Have a P.L.A.N. For Difficult Conversations

Although the episode focuses on interrogation scenarios, most of the advice and techniques are applicable to pretty much any communication.

Summary of:
Secret Service Agent: Never Label Someone A Narcissist! This Habit Makes People Hate Talking To You!

11:19 PLAN Framework

The PLAN framework is designed for navigating difficult conversations:

• P is for Purpose: Understand why you’re there and what your goal is. Your mission drives your tactics and keeps you on track when conversations get emotional or derail.
• L is for Listen: Active listening is cognitively demanding. You must narrow your cognitive bandwidth to stay engaged, watch both verbal and nonverbal behavior, and avoid just waiting for your turn to talk. Controlling conversations comes from listening, not talking.
• A is for Ask: Show you’re actively listening by asking questions. Don’t assume you understand; empathy accuracy shows we’re only 40% accurate with significant others, and even lower during emotional conversations.
• N is for Next Steps: Determine how to resolve the situation and move forward. Ask the other person what resolution looks like rather than imposing your solution.

21:52 Be a Better Listener

Listening is harder than it seems. While your internal dialogue runs at 800-1,000 words per minute, you speak at 120-150 words per minute. Simultaneously, you’re processing theory of mind (reading the other person) and editing what you say. The listener can process 400-600 words per minute, creating excess cognitive bandwidth that causes people to drift or become convinced rather than curious. You must practice cognitive inhibition to stay fully engaged.

24:08 Controlling Comes From Listening, Not Talking

True control in conversations comes from listening, not dominating the dialogue. When you listen actively, you gain information and understanding that allows you to guide the conversation more effectively than talking ever could.

24:33 Asking Questions

Asking questions deepens conversations and demonstrates active listening. Empathy accuracy research shows we understand strangers at 20%, friends at 30%, and significant others at only 40%. During emotional conversations, this drops to 15% because we become defensive. The power of asking questions helps bridge this gap and shows curiosity and openness.

33:38 What if They Start Insulting You

Stay focused on your purpose. Call out the behavior specifically; don’t just say “you’re being rude,” but identify exactly what they said or did. Ask them to explain their behavior: “You’ve called me an asshole. Can you explain specifically why?” Make them back up their emotions. Address it directly without returning insults. Show you’re not afraid to confront the behavior while remaining professional.

35:31 How to Keep Your Emotions in Check

In the heat of the moment, there’s no time for breathwork. The key is understanding your purpose before entering the conversation. If someone insults you to avoid giving information, and you insult them back, you’ve fallen into their strategy. Ask them why they’ve become aggressive rather than matching their energy. Show competence and confidence, not just strength.

37:07 How to Stay in Control

If you lose your cool, you lose control. The investigator’s job is to maintain composure, not the subject’s. By keeping your emotions in check while asking good questions, you demonstrate power—not power over someone, but power in self-control and awareness. This matters more than winning an argument.

40:11 Me Me Me Syndrome

People focus too much on themselves and fail to consider that others experience the world differently. Even in shared experiences (like a parent’s death), each person codes different details based on their perspective. The best negotiators spend more than half their time thinking about the other person. If you want genuine, deep relationships, don’t make everything about you—practice outward reflection, not just self-reflection.

44:08 How to Get Someone to Open Up

Share your own experiences authentically when appropriate. If it’s honest and fits the conversation, revealing something about yourself can build bridges. However, it must be genuine. If you’re lying or manipulating to create false common ground, that becomes manipulation rather than influence.

46:30 The Difference Between Manipulation and Influence

Influence is nudging someone in a direction that’s beneficial for both you and them. Manipulation is nudging someone in a direction that’s good for you but not for them. The key difference is lying; when you take shortcuts through dishonesty, you move from influence to manipulation. True influence comes from honesty, clarity, and transparency.

48:49 Influencing People

Real influence comes from being honest, clear, and transparent. It’s about who you are, not the tactics you employ. If people don’t trust you, no influence techniques will work. Lower your cognitive load by being yourself, people will see your authenticity and respond to it. Focus on helping people based on what they need, not on manipulating them to get what you want.

51:27 How to Build Trust

Trust is built through vulnerability and openness. Start with self-trust, trust yourself to make good decisions and be accountable. Next is a small circle of unconditional trust (family, close friends). Everyone else should earn conditional trust. Don’t give trust away freely. If trust is broken, it’s extremely hard to rebuild, it requires accountability, time, and consistent demonstration that you’re trustworthy.

1:07:39 Building Rapport

Rapport isn’t about being overly kind or talking about the weather. It’s about understanding someone’s values and presence, making them feel seen, heard, and understood. Read the room, if someone is emotional or upset, address that before your agenda. Ask what’s wrong and how you can help. Follow through on commitments. Show empathy, listen actively, and be authentic. That’s real rapport.

1:13:33 Don’t Tell People You Understand

Stop telling people “I understand.” You can understand their words, but you’ll never fully understand their headspace or specific experience. When you say “I understand,” you’ve made it about you and taken away their moment. Instead, acknowledge their feelings: “That sounds tough” or “That seems to really be on your mind.” Ask questions to show you’re trying to understand rather than claiming you already do. This keeps you curious rather than convinced.