Orgasm Queen: Do This For 20 Minutes Before Having Sex & Have Sex With Them Like When You First Met! I Never Orgasmed Until He Tried This!

0:00:02 Nobody even knows there’s over 20 kinds of orgasms
0:00:03 that you can have.
0:00:08 There’s a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a.
0:00:10 That’s a one and done.
0:00:22 But then, there’s a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a.
0:00:24 That’s the queen of orgasms.
0:00:27 And to achieve that, there are very specific techniques that work,
0:00:30 and it’s not what you see on porn.
0:00:32 Dr. Susan Bratton is a world-renowned sex specialist
0:00:35 and best-selling author of over 30 books and programs.
0:00:36 And for over two decades,
0:00:38 her expertise has empowered millions to master
0:00:40 pleasuring techniques,
0:00:41 bedroom communication,
0:00:43 and unlock their true sexual potential.
0:00:45 Why did you focus on sex as a career?
0:00:47 Well, I was 12 years into our marriage.
0:00:50 We had a beautiful daughter, gorgeous home,
0:00:52 but I never had an orgasm from intercourse.
0:00:54 And we thought there was something wrong with me.
0:00:57 But this is not unique.
0:01:00 So many of us have had problems with sex.
0:01:02 And once we got some skills,
0:01:06 it just lit our sex life on fire.
0:01:09 So here are 48 of my best sex techniques.
0:01:12 Number one, number two, you have to…
0:01:14 Number three, it’s something that I love to teach men.
0:01:17 And then there’s these toys that I want to show you.
0:01:17 What is that?
0:01:21 This is a device that no one’s ever seen before.
0:01:22 Wow.
0:01:23 Doesn’t that feel so good?
0:01:25 Susan, this is the first time we’ve ever done this.
0:01:28 We reached out to some of our audience to send us their questions.
0:01:29 Okay, let’s unpack this.
0:01:32 And let’s start with…
0:01:34 This has always blown my mind a little bit.
0:01:37 53% of you that listen to this show regularly
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0:01:59 and we’ll continue to do what we do.
0:02:00 Thank you so much.
0:02:09 Susan, what do you do and why do you do it?
0:02:12 Well, I teach Passionate Love making techniques
0:02:16 by publishing books and programs and audios.
0:02:20 And I do it because my passion is passion.
0:02:24 I like to say that my brand of sexual education
0:02:31 is heart connected, conscious, passionate love making,
0:02:33 which is very different than transactional sex
0:02:36 or sex that looks like pornography.
0:02:38 If someone comes to you and they say,
0:02:40 “I’m struggling with my sex life in some way,”
0:02:42 or “I’m not at my sexual potential,”
0:02:43 what can you do for me?
0:02:45 How would you answer that question?
0:02:49 Well, I’d say sex is such a vast landscape
0:02:53 and people enter into it from so many different directions
0:02:56 that often when someone is saying
0:02:59 that their sex life isn’t as good as they want it to be,
0:03:03 I have to ask them what’s it like?
0:03:04 What do they want?
0:03:07 What’s the vision that they’re holding for themselves?
0:03:12 And often, I recently had a young woman come to me
0:03:17 and say, “Well, my friends talk about sex being so great,
0:03:18 but I haven’t experienced that.”
0:03:21 And I wonder if I’m asexual
0:03:23 because it’s just not that good for me.
0:03:28 It just seems like it’s so fast and hurried and I don’t know.
0:03:29 I just don’t, I’m worried.
0:03:31 Maybe something’s wrong with me.
0:03:33 That’s what women think a lot
0:03:36 is they think there’s something wrong with them.
0:03:39 But remember, I’m not a therapist,
0:03:42 so I don’t sit in a room with a client
0:03:47 and unearth all of the issues that they have.
0:03:51 What I do is I author passionate love-making techniques.
0:03:54 I teach you how to have really good bedroom communication,
0:04:00 how to know what you want and ask for it confidently,
0:04:05 have your partner love for you to ask them for what you want,
0:04:09 feel good about it, not like they did anything wrong.
0:04:13 And then know a whole bunch of pleasuring techniques,
0:04:18 how their bodies work, what the possibilities are.
0:04:21 Because if you’re thinking about sexuality,
0:04:25 because sex has been so censored,
0:04:28 nobody even knows what’s possible.
0:04:29 If I say to someone, you know,
0:04:32 there’s over 20 kinds of orgasms that you can have.
0:04:34 They’ll be like, “What?”
0:04:38 And especially men, they think there’s one, maybe two,
0:04:40 where women are like, “There’s 20?”
0:04:43 They are at least aware that there’s more than one or two,
0:04:46 that they could have these different kinds of orgasms.
0:04:50 And so once you understand the communication piece
0:04:53 and you understand the pleasure piece,
0:04:55 then you can understand what’s possible
0:04:57 and then you can begin to try things.
0:05:00 Okay, so you get an email in your inbox
0:05:03 and it’s from a woman.
0:05:07 If you had to bet what that question in that email was
0:05:11 and all you know is that it’s from a lady called Suzanne,
0:05:13 what would your guess be?
0:05:19 My libido is gone and I feel really guilty.
0:05:21 I feel really bad.
0:05:22 I’m not interested in sex.
0:05:27 Or there’s something wrong with me.
0:05:29 I’m unhappy.
0:05:30 I’m unfulfilled.
0:05:32 I don’t feel like what I’m doing is right.
0:05:34 That’s most common with women.
0:05:38 And if the email came in from a guy called David,
0:05:39 what would you think is, before you click the email,
0:05:41 what do you think he’s asking you?
0:05:44 Sexual biohacking, erectile dysfunction,
0:05:47 penis enlargement, male enhancement,
0:05:49 all of those kinds of things.
0:05:53 Guys, a lot of men ask me about,
0:05:55 “I think there’s something wrong with my penis.”
0:05:56 So that would be the number one thing
0:06:00 that would be most likely to be in my inbox.
0:06:06 But the second thing would be something around either,
0:06:10 I have some shame around part of my desire.
0:06:12 Or I’m frustrated with my partner
0:06:15 that I’m not having the kind of sex that I want.
0:06:17 What do I do to fix it?
0:06:19 So fixing, fixing things.
0:06:22 People are writing for fixing things,
0:06:23 whether it’s men or women.
0:06:27 That’s what they reach out with our problems.
0:06:30 Quality and quantity, or one more than the other?
0:06:33 I would say quality generally, more so than quantity.
0:06:36 Quantity you can fix when you fix quality, right?
0:06:41 Quality comes before quantity.
0:06:44 You have a really atypical journey to becoming a sexper.
0:06:45 It’s not something that you’d studied
0:06:47 when you were younger in college or something.
0:06:49 It’s not something that you were,
0:06:50 it’s not sort of an off branch
0:06:52 to some psychology degree you were doing.
0:06:55 You became a sexper at what age?
0:07:00 42 is when I went on my sexual expansion journey
0:07:03 and started my company shortly after that.
0:07:04 Why sex?
0:07:08 Why in your early 40s did you decide to focus on sex
0:07:12 when previously your career had been about many other things?
0:07:13 Did something happen?
0:07:14 Yeah, it did, right?
0:07:17 I was married to Tim, my husband, Sir Tim.
0:07:18 He’s the prince among men.
0:07:22 I’ve been with him for 33 years now.
0:07:24 And we were 12 years into our marriage.
0:07:27 We were a very successful Silicon Valley company.
0:07:33 My husband invented Rhapsody, the first, like the OG Spotify.
0:07:36 So we were both in high tech, having IPOs,
0:07:37 doing incredibly well.
0:07:39 We had a beautiful daughter.
0:07:43 We had a gorgeous home overlooking the entire Silicon Valley.
0:07:49 It was just incredible, but we had become platonic.
0:07:52 Not for my husband’s lack of trying to have sex with me,
0:07:58 but I just, I had sex with him for a dozen years
0:08:01 and I never had an orgasm from intercourse.
0:08:03 I could have an orgasm from a vibrator,
0:08:06 but I couldn’t have one from intercourse.
0:08:09 And I’d had some sexual trauma as a child as well,
0:08:14 which honestly, the majority of people have had sexual trauma,
0:08:21 whether it’s simple repression or actual physical abuse of some kind.
0:08:25 So many of us have had trouble and not just women, men too.
0:08:30 People across the spectrum have had, you know, things happen to them.
0:08:35 And I avoided him for sex.
0:08:39 What did your sexual trauma teach you about sex?
0:08:46 Well, it taught me that I am who I’ve always been inside myself
0:08:51 and that no one can take away who I am and my power and my sovereignty.
0:08:56 I’ve learned that one can move through and heal from trauma
0:09:03 and that it takes both talk therapy and empathy from someone
0:09:09 as well as somatic release, physical body release,
0:09:13 and that often our greatest wound can become our greatest gift,
0:09:17 which is what that trauma did for me.
0:09:22 The trauma itself, what did that traumatic experience
0:09:24 convince you that sex was or wasn’t?
0:09:29 I always liked sex and I refused to let that trauma hurt my sex life,
0:09:33 but the problem was that I ended up doing something called dissociating,
0:09:35 during intimacy.
0:09:41 And so if you kind of leave the scene emotionally and you’re just there physically,
0:09:45 you really don’t get that thing, that heart connection.
0:09:48 You don’t find your humanity in your lover.
0:09:52 You can’t really touch source through your connection.
0:09:54 Can you explain that to me, dissociation?
0:09:58 Because I think I’ve heard people tell me privately
0:10:01 that that’s the issue that they had in their sex life for many, many years,
0:10:03 that they were basically disassociated from it.
0:10:04 What is that?
0:10:07 It’s where you kind of, you just check out.
0:10:09 You just, you go through the motions physically,
0:10:13 but you’re not emotionally there.
0:10:18 It’s protection against being hurt again.
0:10:21 So once I learned that that’s what I was doing,
0:10:22 my husband would help me.
0:10:28 Tim would help me come back to him, come back to him, come back to him.
0:10:30 And then we started going to sex workshops.
0:10:34 We went beyond therapy and we started going to sex workshops.
0:10:36 And we learned how to have sex.
0:10:40 And by sex, I don’t necessarily just mean intercourse.
0:10:42 We learned all kinds of things.
0:10:43 We went to taunter workshops.
0:10:47 We went to sex love and intimacy from the Human Awareness Institute.
0:10:48 We did ecstatic loving.
0:10:50 We did orgasmic meditation.
0:10:52 We did all kinds of things.
0:10:59 And it just lit our sex life on fire once we got some skills.
0:11:01 We were the blind leading the blind.
0:11:03 Everybody’s the blind leading the blind.
0:11:04 Everybody.
0:11:10 We don’t see any good examples of heart connected, passionate love making.
0:11:12 We don’t see them in film in the movies.
0:11:14 We don’t see them in pornography.
0:11:24 All of that is male patriarchal, religiously repressed styles of sex.
0:11:31 Rather than female focused, heart connected, blissful,
0:11:38 slow, pleasurable sex, highly orgasmic sex.
0:11:45 So I think what happened for us was we had such good sex so easily
0:11:50 once someone told us what to do that we said, oh, well, he’s already, you know,
0:11:53 sending MP3s all over the internet.
0:11:56 And I’m already sending video all over the internet with cable modems.
0:11:58 Why don’t we bring all these courses online?
0:12:03 Because very few people are going to go to a sex workshop.
0:12:03 Number one, it costs money.
0:12:05 Number two, you have to be able to do it.
0:12:07 Number three, it’s scary.
0:12:10 It’s really scary to take off all your clothes and go to a sex workshop
0:12:13 and do hands-on techniques in a room full of sweaty people.
0:12:16 You know, there’s a lot to it, right?
0:12:18 And so we said, why don’t we put this on the internet?
0:12:19 Because that’s what we’re good at.
0:12:25 Let’s put programs on the internet that people can access from anywhere in the world
0:12:31 and learn how to make love together, learn orgasm techniques and communication skills
0:12:35 and pleasuring how the body works in ways that will take them to places
0:12:38 they never even imagined were possible.
0:12:41 Zooming in on that moment where you and Tim are struggling in the bedroom.
0:12:44 How long had it been since you had sex?
0:12:46 Or how often were you having sex at that point?
0:12:47 Well, it petered out over time.
0:12:50 So when we first met, we had great new relationship energy.
0:12:52 We were having sex.
0:12:56 But it was the kind of sex that I would call these days.
0:12:59 Grab a boob and stick it in.
0:13:03 Very intercourse focused.
0:13:15 I know exactly like and, you know, I love intercourse.
0:13:24 I teach intercourse skills because what you see modeled is really, oh, man,
0:13:29 it’s like kindergarten, what you see out in the market out in the world.
0:13:37 And so how do you have this massively, exquisitely, orgasmic, mutually pleasurable intercourse?
0:13:39 You just need to learn a couple of things.
0:13:40 That’s the great thing about sex.
0:13:46 It’s like, have you ever heard that phrase, a little hinge that swings a big door?
0:13:49 It’s like, it’s like an example of leverage, right?
0:13:54 One little hinge and a giant door and how does that little hinge swing that giant door?
0:13:57 That’s what sex actually is if somebody tells you what to do.
0:14:02 Because, I mean, my operating system and your operating system are like everybody’s operating systems, right?
0:14:05 The human body works the way the human body does.
0:14:09 And so women who are walking around going, I’m broken.
0:14:11 I can’t have an orgasm from intercourse.
0:14:15 And her husband’s like, well, I guess you can’t, but we’re still going to have intercourse anyway.
0:14:17 I say to them, yes, you can.
0:14:20 You just need to learn how you just need to cross the gasm.
0:14:29 Close that orgasm gap. And so if I can get more people to understand that if something isn’t good,
0:14:39 that they just haven’t had it good yet, that’s, I think, one of the biggest messages I can give to your audiences.
0:14:42 Just keep learning, keep learning new skills.
0:14:45 But don’t miss all the other things.
0:14:50 I’ll give you an example of something in sex that really chaps my lips.
0:14:55 And that is this idea that there’s foreplay and sex.
0:14:58 That comes right out of religious repression.
0:15:03 Because sex is for procreation only so the only thing matters is sex and sex is intercourse.
0:15:07 Heck no. Sex is everything. Sex is a hot make out.
0:15:09 Sex is rubbing our bodies together.
0:15:14 Sex is words of appreciation, adoration, encouragement.
0:15:22 It’s languorous kissing. It’s stroking each other. It’s oral pleasuring.
0:15:26 It’s intercourse. It’s playing with toys. It’s sex in new locations.
0:15:33 It’s, you know, filming yourselves and watching it while you’re holding each other later and going,
0:15:35 oh, you know what the best moment for me was?
0:15:41 No, tell me, the best moment for me was XYZ and you’re like, are you, that was your best moment?
0:15:43 Yeah, what was your best moment?
0:15:49 My best moment? I mean, those are the things that make sex great, that make you want to have it again.
0:15:53 In that moment when you and Tim hadn’t been having sex, sex had completely dried up.
0:16:00 I really avoided him as much as I possibly could. I was giving him what I now call mercy sex.
0:16:01 What is that mercy sex?
0:16:08 Well, it’s like, well, he’s going to be a miserable man if I don’t throw him a bone once in a while.
0:16:10 And how often was once in a while?
0:16:15 Oh, God, like a couple of times a month at the worst.
0:16:16 Yeah.
0:16:18 A couple of times a month at the worst once every other week?
0:16:22 Yeah, like every week or 10 days, I’d be like, all right, I got to throw it again.
0:16:24 And how did you feel at the time of our sex?
0:16:28 I felt guilty. And he was like, I wonder if I married a lesbian.
0:16:31 Like, I couldn’t believe I didn’t want to have sex.
0:16:34 But at the start of the relationship you did, or you were just kind of…
0:16:39 The problem is the new relationship energy wears off and when you have absolutely no skill,
0:16:41 neither of you know what you’re doing and it’s not good for her.
0:16:44 How long is she going to want to keep doing it?
0:16:45 You know what’s funny?
0:16:50 I have one of the programs that I wrote really early on is a program called Revive Her Drive.
0:16:54 And it’s a sneaky little name because guys will buy it.
0:16:59 And I say to them, this program won’t help you if sex has never been good.
0:17:01 You need a therapist.
0:17:06 But if sex used to be good and now it’s not, you can fix it.
0:17:09 And so they buy it thinking they’re going to revive her drive.
0:17:10 They’re going to fix her.
0:17:15 And then they’re like, oh, you sneaky little devil, you fixed me.
0:17:16 It was me.
0:17:17 I just was treating…
0:17:23 I was like trying to have sex with my wife like she’s a dude.
0:17:28 And now I understand what her body wants and now I know what she needs for me.
0:17:31 And she loves sex now.
0:17:34 So that is very, very common.
0:17:37 But you had to fix your trauma as well in your situation.
0:17:38 I did.
0:17:40 And how did you go about fixing that?
0:17:42 I did a number of things.
0:17:46 The first thing that I did was I worked with a sexual trauma therapist.
0:17:55 And I also worked with someone who does more of a little bit of a different method called the circling method.
0:18:01 And I also worked with some somatic therapists over the years.
0:18:03 It was pretty quick for me.
0:18:06 I’m very lucky.
0:18:11 And I don’t want to say that it’s as easy for other people as it is for me.
0:18:15 I’m a fast changer.
0:18:21 I have a lot of behavioral flexibility and I’m very comfortable in discomfort.
0:18:26 I’m very comfortable crossing a chasm, very comfortable in uncertainty.
0:18:32 I think because I grew up in Silicon Valley, my career in my 20s and 30s was Silicon Valley.
0:18:33 And it’s always changing.
0:18:36 It’s always like, you know, oh, we’re doing this now.
0:18:39 You know, it’s always, so.
0:18:49 And also a lot of people have trouble because of their genetic snips because they have serotonin pathways
0:18:58 where when they’ve experienced trauma, every time they think about it, it feels like a raw wound.
0:19:04 They can’t get over it because every time they think about it, it’s like it’s a fresh cut.
0:19:05 That’s not me.
0:19:11 So I was able to move through things and mostly what helped me was being able to say,
0:19:19 I remember one of the things I had to do was I had to write down every single sexual trauma,
0:19:27 injustice, frustration, wound, hurt, pain that I’d ever experienced.
0:19:31 And I thought, oh, this is really gonna make me sick.
0:19:37 And my therapist said, it won’t, it won’t, don’t worry, just get it out.
0:19:43 I want you to come back on our next appointment and I want you to tell me every single thing.
0:19:45 I want to witness it.
0:19:47 I want to know what you’ve been through.
0:19:50 I want you to remember it all and we’re going to put it behind you.
0:19:53 And that was very, very helpful for me.
0:19:59 Finally, someone heard everything that I had gone through and all the things that had been done to me
0:20:05 and all the injustices that had happened to me and it really helped me move through it.
0:20:08 But not, that’s not the right therapy for anyone.
0:20:11 People need different types of therapy.
0:20:13 And remember, I’m not a therapist.
0:20:18 So what I do is I deal in the, how do you have hot sex?
0:20:20 Not in the, let me fix your problem.
0:20:23 I had to fix my problems to learn about it.
0:20:30 But once I did, I was like, tell, I want to know all about how to have the best sex that keeps getting better.
0:20:31 What does that take?
0:20:34 And that’s been my decades of study.
0:20:36 How did you know you had a problem?
0:20:39 And how did you know you had something that needed to be healed?
0:20:41 And it wasn’t just that, you know, Tim’s a little bit.
0:20:46 I’m just not attracted to Tim anymore or maybe I just don’t like sex.
0:20:54 How did you know, how did you have the awareness to even go to a therapist?
0:21:00 Because we thought there was something wrong with me.
0:21:05 And so we went to a therapist and she said, okay, well, tell me what your sex is like.
0:21:11 And I started telling her and she said, okay, let’s unwind this, let’s unpack this, let’s heal all of this.
0:21:17 And how did you get to the point that you knew that the trauma was at the heart of many of these challenges?
0:21:20 All she had to do was ask me what my sex life had been like and what I’d gone through.
0:21:26 And I told her all the injustices and the horrible things that had happened to me, which are not unique.
0:21:30 I, the thing about me is that I’m pretty much just like everybody else.
0:21:33 I’m not special in any way.
0:21:38 The only thing that’s special about me is that I have the courage to talk about things that a lot of people don’t.
0:21:39 They feel embarrassed.
0:21:40 That’s just my, I don’t know.
0:21:47 When you say sexual injustice and trauma, give me a, give me a menu of things that someone at home
0:21:51 who’s trying to understand if those things might have had an impact on their sex drive.
0:21:52 Sure.
0:22:00 It can be anything from never knowing how your parts work or what the names of them are
0:22:03 or understanding how your body works.
0:22:10 It could be that you, that sex is bad or shaming.
0:22:15 It could be, and this is something that many people struggle with.
0:22:23 And that is my parents never told me about sex and they never showed that they were sexual.
0:22:32 I feel like I came from a very stoic, repressed family and it’s impacted my sex life.
0:22:39 And one of the things that I often have to say to people is your mom and your dad did the best they could do.
0:22:41 They didn’t know anything.
0:22:45 They were probably kids themselves and they loved you.
0:22:48 They just weren’t equipped to help you with this.
0:22:51 Not only that, but it’s not really their job.
0:22:55 Your sexuality and your sex life is your job.
0:23:04 And when you take it on as something that’s a part of what you have to learn, like the things you do for your career or the things that you do to support your family.
0:23:11 And when you put it in that bucket and you let go of the victim mindset and the victim mentality
0:23:13 and you say, okay, what do I need to do?
0:23:14 What is right?
0:23:16 What is possible?
0:23:17 Then you get into the fun parts.
0:23:19 You can move through the trauma.
0:23:21 So it could be abuse.
0:23:22 It could be repression.
0:23:23 It could be shame.
0:23:29 It could be lack of knowledge, which lack of knowledge creates fear.
0:23:32 Fear is the enemy of pleasure.
0:23:42 So once you start teaching people about their bodies, about pleasure, but we know that there’s nature and there’s nurture around sexuality too.
0:23:46 The nature is how my parts work versus your parts work.
0:23:51 And I’d really like to talk to you about that because I think that’s one of those little hinges that swings big doors.
0:23:59 Once you start to understand the difference between male and female arousal, you can begin to have much better sex together.
0:24:06 Because when you don’t understand, you’re doing, you know, you know the golden rule, do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.
0:24:07 That’s what most people do in sex.
0:24:10 They treat their partner the way they want to be treated.
0:24:13 Instead of treating their partner the way their partner needs to be treated.
0:24:15 That’s the platinum rule.
0:24:20 So we’ve just got two more questions on this point before we move on to some of these real specific things we’ve been talking about.
0:24:22 I read that Tim cheated on you at the time.
0:24:23 He was having an affair.
0:24:26 I don’t even like that word.
0:24:26 Really?
0:24:37 No, because I actually, I remember when I found out that Tim was having a relationship with a woman who was also in a sexless marriage.
0:24:41 And we were in what was basically a sexless marriage at the time.
0:24:42 How did you find out?
0:24:43 He told me.
0:24:49 He came clean and he told me and I remember the shame.
0:24:56 And I felt like it was my fault that I’d not been a good wife.
0:25:02 When I look back at it, what I realized was that he was just trying to cope.
0:25:12 He loved me and he loved our family and he, he just wanted to feel pleasure and connection.
0:25:14 And he wasn’t getting that from me.
0:25:21 And for some reason it is just easier for women to give up their sexuality than for men generally.
0:25:25 I want to say one thing about everything I’m going to say on your show.
0:25:29 And that is that sex is a bell curve.
0:25:32 There are people at one end of the spectrum and the other.
0:25:38 But I’m almost always just talking to the big bell curve in the middle, the average dude and his lady.
0:25:41 That’s, that’s where my sweet spot is.
0:25:50 So when he, when he was having that affair, all he was trying to do was stay in the marriage and not be miserable.
0:25:54 And once I got right with that and I realized he didn’t do anything to me and I didn’t even look at it.
0:25:55 I don’t even look at it as cheating.
0:25:58 I literally look at it as that man was still trying to stay married to me.
0:26:00 He loved me.
0:26:04 And so it was, it was our mutual problem, which was a lack of knowledge.
0:26:06 He didn’t understand how my body worked.
0:26:08 I didn’t understand how my body worked.
0:26:19 Once we learned that, we learned technique and I was able to stay present and connected with him and not leave my body in worry that something bad was going to happen.
0:26:25 When it started to be pleasurable instead of me just servicing my husband.
0:26:28 Did you separate when he told you that or did you stay together?
0:26:36 Well, there was a moment where in the beginning when he told me that he was seeing someone else.
0:26:40 I thought maybe it’s best that we stop being together.
0:26:53 And I remember that he had packed up his things and he was driving out of our house and I was standing at the doorway of my big beautiful Silicon Valley mansion in the height of my career.
0:26:59 My little daughter, our little daughter was standing there six years old and she had this little blankie that she loved.
0:27:04 You know how kids love their blankies and she had it had this little soft satin border on it.
0:27:11 And she would rub it on her lip to kind of soothe herself and she was holding my hand and she was rubbing that blanket on her lip.
0:27:19 And daddy drove around to the side to the front of the house and he stopped and he was looking out the window and he was waving goodbye.
0:27:25 And she said, but this gets me every time I do every time I even think about this moment in my life.
0:27:37 She’s like, but will you still be my daddy? I’m always like, oh, what am I doing?
0:27:41 I love this guy. How did we get here? I can’t ruin her.
0:27:47 I can’t. I could never do better than Sir Tim. I could never do better than him.
0:27:56 He’s an amazing human being. My God, Stephen, he’s been the wind beneath my wings for more than half my life.
0:27:59 I’ve known him for longer than I haven’t now.
0:28:08 He’s the solid, you know, person I sit on top of that get allows me to be out here in the world,
0:28:15 giving people hope and instructions on how to have what I have, which is amazing.
0:28:22 And so when I when she said that, I said, turn around, come back, we got to fix it.
0:28:27 And I had seen all of our friends were getting divorced and it wasn’t money because we were all making money.
0:28:30 It was Silicon Valley in the dot com era.
0:28:36 And so he came back and we said, what are we going to do about it?
0:28:39 And we started therapy and then we started going to sex workshops.
0:28:46 And within months, it sorted itself out and we started having great sex.
0:28:51 Did your sex life change in terms of the dynamics of it?
0:28:53 Are you in a monogamous relationship?
0:29:00 We were in a monogamous relationship for many years, but we opened our relationship.
0:29:04 When we got really good in bed together, we were like, hey, this is so much fun.
0:29:10 Let’s have some sex with some other people. And so we did.
0:29:12 And it was not without its challenges.
0:29:18 It’s never without its challenges when you go beyond the scope of monogamy.
0:29:22 But I don’t regret any of it, even the bad parts.
0:29:23 And what is that called?
0:29:26 Because there’s all these names for different relationship dynamics.
0:29:27 Do you have a name for it?
0:29:33 Well, if you think about it as a tree, it’s non-monogamy as the tree.
0:29:36 It could be called ethical non-monogamy or consensual non-monogamy.
0:29:40 There’s polyamory. There’s open relationships.
0:29:43 There’s lifestyles and swingers and the pineapple people.
0:29:45 There’s all kinds of things.
0:29:49 And then there’s my latest favorite flavor, which is kind of a new flavor.
0:29:54 And that is because I’ve been in an open relationship with my husband for over two decades now.
0:29:59 So for 20 years, 20 out of 33 years, we’ve been open longer than we’ve been closed.
0:30:06 And we were shepherded by people who are now in their 70s and 80s
0:30:07 who are still in their open relationships.
0:30:11 And they taught us a lot about what to do to keep ourselves safe,
0:30:16 both physically and emotionally, which is something interesting.
0:30:22 And the one that I’m enjoying right now is relationship anarchy.
0:30:23 That’s what you call that?
0:30:26 That’s what people call it. Some people call it that.
0:30:31 And that’s one of the branches on the tree of non-monogamy.
0:30:35 And the thing that I want to say about non-monogamy, whatever flavor you like,
0:30:38 is that two things.
0:30:44 Number one, I’m not here to tell anyone that what I do is better than what they do.
0:30:48 I am not a polyamorous proponent or any of those things.
0:30:49 It’s just what I do.
0:30:52 But Steve, I mean, I’m a sexpert.
0:30:59 I stand up here telling you that I can teach you how to be better in bed than you are.
0:31:04 If I only had one partner, how much could I know?
0:31:11 Every single partner I’ve ever had, I’ve had them safely using safe sex techniques,
0:31:20 which I love to explain to you, and I’ve had so many incredible experiences.
0:31:23 Who initiates that conversation in your relationship?
0:31:27 Because I think this is the first challenge in most relationships is figuring out like,
0:31:31 how do you go about having that conversation with someone without them budding your head off potentially?
0:31:32 Well, here’s an interesting thing.
0:31:35 One of the things that really helped us save our marriage.
0:31:40 At the time that we went to the therapists and we went to the sex workshops,
0:31:43 we did another thing.
0:31:54 We did, one of our friends was a coach for Brad Blanton and he wrote a book called Radical Honesty.
0:31:58 And we said, Tim and I said, look, we just have to be totally honest with each other.
0:32:05 We’ve been pussy-footing, sugar-coating, withholding, you know, for 12 years now, 14 years.
0:32:08 We’ve got to be honest if we’re going to save our marriage.
0:32:13 And so we started the practice of telling the truth,
0:32:16 because my God, when you start actually trying to tell the truth,
0:32:24 you realize how societally embedded not telling the truth is.
0:32:30 What was the most painful truth he told you?
0:32:37 Maybe just the one that he was with someone else.
0:32:40 Might have been the worst one and I felt so much shame about that, like I’d done something wrong.
0:32:47 But nothing, it turns out the truth is juicy, exciting, interesting.
0:32:48 Offensive?
0:32:55 No, no, because if it’s said with love, if honesty doesn’t have to be mean,
0:33:03 honesty is just your truth, your boundaries, your desires, your foibles, your, you know.
0:33:09 What’s the most offensive, like someone turns to, my partner turns to me and goes,
0:33:12 “Listen, you are out of shape and I’m just not feeling it.”
0:33:14 Yeah, well why wouldn’t your partner turn to you and say,
0:33:17 “First of all, you’re not, you’re absolutely gorgeous.”
0:33:17 No, thank you.
0:33:23 But if in fact you feel like your partner is not taking care of themselves,
0:33:29 it would be more kind to say, “I’m worried about your health.
0:33:33 I don’t think you’re taking care of yourself well enough and I love you,
0:33:34 and I want you to do a better job.
0:33:36 How can I support you?”
0:33:37 You know what?
0:33:44 You can love me more fully if you know exactly who I am and where my boundaries and edges are
0:33:47 and you get to honor and respect those.
0:33:52 Then you know you’re loving me exactly the way I want you to love me.
0:33:53 Or I can decide I don’t love you, I guess.
0:33:56 Yeah, you could decide you don’t love me.
0:33:57 Yeah, that’s okay.
0:34:02 Hey, I’m not for everyone and I’m okay with that too.
0:34:05 So, how did you come to be polyamorous?
0:34:07 Polyamorous, right.
0:34:12 Well, we started to have experiences with people.
0:34:14 Was it your idea or his idea?
0:34:21 It was our mutual idea because we had gone to workshops where we had experienced light
0:34:22 with groups of people.
0:34:27 Like, I remember one time I was at a workshop and there were four of us paired together
0:34:31 and Tim was in a different group and we were doing like sensation play
0:34:36 where one person would lie down and receive sensation
0:34:38 and the other three people would give it to them.
0:34:42 And at the same time that they were giving them sensation, like, oh, rubbing your feet,
0:34:48 playing with your boobs, you know, whatever, kissing or stroking your hair or whatever.
0:34:51 And then they would also give you an angel shower.
0:34:57 They would tell, all at the same time, they would tell you things they loved about you,
0:34:59 things that they thought were really attractive about you
0:35:01 or things that they’d noticed about you.
0:35:08 And when you get an angel shower from a group of people, you can’t negate it.
0:35:13 It goes in because there’s so much kindness coming at you
0:35:16 that you’re defenseless against it.
0:35:19 And so you kind of take it in instead of going, oh, no, no, that’s not true.
0:35:19 That’s not true.
0:35:21 That’s what people are taught to do.
0:35:28 It’s like one of my favorite games that I like to teach people is a game called Three Things I Love About You.
0:35:32 And Tim and I have been playing it for decades now.
0:35:36 And whenever I want, I say to him, can you tell me three things that you love about me?
0:35:39 And I particularly like it when we start our love making dates
0:35:46 because I notice that I really need that reassurance that I’m loved and appreciated.
0:35:50 And so I’ll want him to tell me three things that he loves about me.
0:35:54 And we have this little, the little part of our game is never say the same thing twice.
0:36:02 So for decades, we’ve been telling each other what we love about each other and not repeating things.
0:36:07 And when you really start to get good at offering up love
0:36:15 and noticing what you love about someone, you just, you’re in love more.
0:36:16 You’re just in love with people more.
0:36:20 You’re in love instead of in judgment.
0:36:26 We reached out to some of our audience ahead of this conversation and we asked them to send us their questions.
0:36:30 And then my team sat down with some of these individuals.
0:36:36 We masked them through using some actors and got them to say,
0:36:39 we got them to talk about some of the problems they have in their lives.
0:36:40 This is the first time we’ve ever done this.
0:36:44 So I wanted to play to you some of the challenges that they have,
0:36:49 especially I’m going to play one that kind of overlaps with the experience you went through with Tim.
0:36:50 Yeah.
0:36:51 My name is Eliza.
0:36:54 I am in my forties.
0:36:58 I’m a mother of two lovely little girls.
0:37:09 And that big question I have is how can I find that intimacy again
0:37:17 with someone that has just been so disconnected.
0:37:20 So is she saying that her partner is disconnected
0:37:23 and she wants to find her way back to intimacy with her partner?
0:37:25 I’m going to play you a few more from Eliza
0:37:31 because I think this will help sort of feel the jigsaw puzzle a little bit.
0:37:35 There’s another one here.
0:37:40 Work, doctor’s appointments.
0:37:43 And yeah, we get very little time together, the two of us.
0:37:53 And I think it’s really easy to just pass like ships in the night.
0:37:57 And it’d be nice to have a conversation that wasn’t about what’s for dinner
0:38:07 or, you know, what the kids have going on the next day.
0:38:12 I really miss having real conversations.
0:38:16 I don’t remember the last time we had one.
0:38:18 Is that a familiar situation?
0:38:25 Yeah, especially during the time of children raising.
0:38:31 You think about your sexuality and eras generally your 20s.
0:38:34 You don’t own nothing from nothing and it’s all new and exciting.
0:38:39 And, you know, you’re just finding out what it’s like and experimenting.
0:38:42 In your 30s, if you’re going to have your children,
0:38:46 that’s typically when most people are having them now.
0:38:50 And, you know, all of a sudden you have no sleep, you’re exhausted.
0:38:55 Those kids are just like draining you and you can barely keep up.
0:39:01 And your relationship head south, your sexual relationship head south.
0:39:05 By the time you’re in your 40s, you’re like, wait a minute.
0:39:07 I’ve got to fight for my sex life now.
0:39:09 I mean, like I can’t let it go.
0:39:17 You begin to realize that you’ve missed a lot and you want more in your 50s.
0:39:22 You think to yourself, oh, I better get it now because I’m going to get old and you’re 60s.
0:39:24 You go, oh, I’m still alive.
0:39:27 And I did get some good sex and I it is really good.
0:39:30 And I’m looking forward to my 70s and my 80s too.
0:39:35 You know, so if you keep your body in good shape.
0:39:41 I mean, that’s quite a pertinent point because one of the things Eliza said is this.
0:39:51 I think one thing that I wasn’t prepared for at all was how much my body was going to change.
0:40:03 I mean, everything changed like my it got to the point where I didn’t recognize.
0:40:06 I don’t recognize my own body anymore.
0:40:10 I don’t feel comfortable.
0:40:15 My body doesn’t feel like it’s mine.
0:40:24 And I’ve really fallen out of love with me and with my body.
0:40:31 Estrogen is a molecule, a hormone of protection because women are prey and men are predators
0:40:33 in the general scheme of things.
0:40:35 We have to be very, very careful.
0:40:39 And so estrogen protects us in many, many ways.
0:40:42 And one of the ways that it does is it makes us judgmental, makes us judgy.
0:40:46 And one of the ways that spills over is that we become judgy about ourselves and we become
0:40:48 very judgy about our bodies.
0:40:53 We have body image issues that we fight against.
0:41:00 And Eliza is probably beautiful, but she doesn’t think she is.
0:41:05 She thinks that she doesn’t look good anymore and then she thinks that makes her less desirable.
0:41:10 Her husband likely is working very hard and kind of has thrown himself into work.
0:41:14 And he’s probably in overwhelm as well trying to do all of this.
0:41:16 And he feels disconnected from her.
0:41:20 And so he’s probably feeling pretty lost and he doesn’t know how to get back to her either.
0:41:23 He doesn’t have the skills to do that.
0:41:31 And one of the things that I often say to women especially is that sex is a mindfulness practice.
0:41:37 You just have to keep bringing yourself back to connection, to your heart.
0:41:41 You have to bring yourself back to your husband.
0:41:44 Nobody cares what your body looks like.
0:41:47 It’s your cell bag.
0:41:49 You’ve got 72 trillion cells.
0:41:50 There they are.
0:41:51 Take good care of them.
0:41:52 You’ve got only so much time.
0:41:54 Enjoy your life.
0:41:59 When you’re stressed and you’re producing cortisol and adrenaline and you’re exhausted,
0:42:03 this is when you need to say, I really need to have some good orgasms.
0:42:06 I really need to be held by my husband.
0:42:12 On these body image issues, is it usually the person saying they’re unhappy with their own body?
0:42:16 Or is it the partner saying they’re unhappy with their partner’s body?
0:42:20 It’s almost always the woman saying she doesn’t think she looks good.
0:42:25 And I would say the large majority of the partners say she looks great to me.
0:42:27 I picked her because I like the way she looks.
0:42:28 She still looks good to me.
0:42:31 Is it ever the guy saying he doesn’t like how he looks?
0:42:34 Not that often.
0:42:38 Because testosterone has rose-colored lenses.
0:42:43 Testosterone makes you the warrior, the single-minded focus.
0:42:47 You know how if a guy is doing something, you can’t interrupt him with another thing
0:42:50 because he’s on the task and women are multitaskers.
0:42:53 Their eyes and ears are on everything.
0:42:55 That’s the difference between testosterone and estrogen.
0:43:01 So he thinks he looks better than he does and she thinks she looks worse than she does.
0:43:06 If they now feel like two ships passing in the night as Eliza said in that video.
0:43:08 What is step one?
0:43:13 Yeah, step one is often just holding each other.
0:43:17 One of the techniques, I have these two techniques that come from one of my books.
0:43:22 One of my most popular books is a book called “Sexual Soulmates”
0:43:28 because sexual soulmates are not out there waiting for you.
0:43:32 You co-create your connection with your partner.
0:43:36 And even if you’ve lost that connection, you can have many renaissance
0:43:38 in your relationship throughout the years.
0:43:42 You can come back together and it can be better than ever again.
0:43:47 And there are two techniques out of that book that I think are kind of like a foundation.
0:43:49 One of them is called the sexual soulmate pact.
0:43:54 And that pact is an agreement between partners where I can say anything I want to you
0:43:59 and you’re going to be happy I told you and you’re not going to take it as criticism
0:44:01 or you did anything wrong.
0:44:06 You’re going to be hungry for me to tell you what I have an appetite for,
0:44:08 what I want, how I’m feeling.
0:44:10 Am I a kitty cat?
0:44:12 Do you need to hold me in your arms?
0:44:13 Do you need to pet me?
0:44:18 Do you need to let me release and calm down and get some things off my chest?
0:44:22 Do you just need to provide that holding?
0:44:25 Or am I a lioness?
0:44:27 Do I want you to ravish me?
0:44:29 Do I want to be pounced on?
0:44:33 Do I want you to carry me to the bedroom and throw me down on the bed
0:44:38 and rip my clothes off and tell me how gorgeous I am and eat me up?
0:44:42 We want those things in that range all the time.
0:44:47 But what couples forget is to start with holding and being held.
0:44:50 Because when we do that, we generate oxytocin.
0:44:55 And the oxytocin is kind of like the antidote to all the cortisol.
0:44:59 We’re pumping out constantly with the kids and the school and the stress
0:45:05 and the job and the politics and the, you know, all this crazy stuff.
0:45:08 We need to be held and to hold.
0:45:11 So step one, then, is have the conversation.
0:45:16 And step two is to just hold, essentially, hold each other.
0:45:18 You don’t even need to have a conversation.
0:45:20 You can just go crawl into your partner’s arms and say,
0:45:22 and this is something that I love to teach men.
0:45:28 I love to teach men how to run a woman a menu of small offers.
0:45:33 So the problem is that they’re both feeling, Eliza and her husband are likely both.
0:45:35 They’re dissatisfied, they feel disconnected.
0:45:37 They’re not speaking about it.
0:45:39 They’re not speaking about it.
0:45:44 And she feels like we should be having sex, but we’re not, right?
0:45:46 I should be having sex.
0:45:48 What is sex? Intercourse.
0:45:50 Well, she’s not turned on.
0:45:52 She hasn’t had sex in God knows how long.
0:45:55 She’s not ready to be penetrated.
0:45:58 She needs to get warmed up.
0:46:02 You know, it’s very, very slow, the female arousal system.
0:46:09 And it takes 15, 20, 30 minutes when it’s been a long time between love-making sessions
0:46:13 to get out of your head, into your body, calmed down.
0:46:18 Because arousal, it’s not, “I’m going to push your buttons and I’m going to spin your dials,”
0:46:20 which is what guys try to do.
0:46:24 They’re like, “I’ve got a goal. I’ve got to give her an orgasm. Let’s go. I’m full speed ahead.”
0:46:30 Where in reality, it’s, “Oh, I need to hold her. I need to grab her up in my big, muscly arms
0:46:36 and I need to just let her calm down and relax.”
0:46:43 Remember what she loved about you and how much she loves you and how good you smell
0:46:47 and how good you feel and how safe she feels right in this moment.
0:46:49 You used the word “should.”
0:46:50 “Should” is such a–
0:46:51 What did I say?
0:46:52 Grossive.
0:46:54 When you were saying, “We should be having.”
0:46:55 Right.
0:46:58 How often, how much harm do you think “should” does?
0:47:01 As in, when I say “should,” I really mean it’s a social comparison.
0:47:03 It’s like an external comparison.
0:47:06 I’ve watched this movie. I spoke to my friend. They’re doing it this often.
0:47:10 They’re doing it like this, so we should be doing it like them.
0:47:12 How much harm do you think that does?
0:47:14 I’ve seen it in all my relationships.
0:47:15 Guilt, guilt, guilt.
0:47:18 Yeah, like the comparison to other people who are just not you.
0:47:20 It can do so much harm.
0:47:24 And I think in my current relationship, we’ve basically banned comparison.
0:47:29 So we’ve banned each other speaking about our unmet needs through the lens of other people
0:47:31 or our past relationships.
0:47:32 And I think it really helps.
0:47:34 Yeah, I do too.
0:47:43 I think that if Eliza stopped feeling guilty and said, “Okay, I’m just going to start small.”
0:47:48 And if her husband, if she said to her husband, “I just want to start small again.
0:47:54 Let’s crawl and then walk and then run back to love making when we can.”
0:48:00 Let’s acknowledge that we’re in the time of our relationship when the kids make it really hard.
0:48:04 Let’s acknowledge that we want to have more intimacy together.
0:48:07 And let’s start with small offers.
0:48:14 And then if he starts saying to her, “How about Thursday night, I bring home some Chinese.
0:48:15 We get the kids in the bath.
0:48:16 We get them in bed.
0:48:17 We divide and conquer.
0:48:18 We put them down.
0:48:19 I’ll go in.
0:48:20 Take a quick shower.
0:48:22 I’ll set up the bedroom.
0:48:23 I’ll set up the nest.
0:48:24 I’ll light a candle.
0:48:25 I’ll lay out some fresh towels.
0:48:27 I’ll get your favorite lube.
0:48:30 I’ll put on the sexy playlist that you like.
0:48:33 And all I want you to do is relax.
0:48:37 There’s no pressure to do anything.
0:48:40 I won’t be mad if we don’t have intercourse.
0:48:42 What I’m going to do is I’m going to hold you.
0:48:43 I’m going to get my hands on you.
0:48:45 I’m going to rub whatever hurts.
0:48:47 I’m going to tell you how much I love you.
0:48:49 I’m going to snuggle you.
0:48:51 I might kiss you if you want to kiss me.
0:48:52 We’ll see how it goes.
0:48:53 No pressure.
0:48:54 Why?
0:48:55 Why no pressure?
0:49:01 Because if she has pressure, then she’s going to feel stressed.
0:49:05 And if she feels stressed, she can’t get into arousal.
0:49:11 As soon as you take the pressure off and let her just see what happens,
0:49:19 then her body will go into arousal and connection and feel safe and relaxed.
0:49:23 And she’ll start to let down and get that turn on going.
0:49:28 I guess the starting point then, as you said, is the communication part, right?
0:49:31 Because you can’t even get to that point if you’re in a situation.
0:49:39 I’ve been in that situation once in my sexual history where it was so awkward that it just gets…
0:49:43 The awkwardness just compounds where you’re not even speaking about something.
0:49:44 And so you’re getting in bed.
0:49:45 It’s a hot potato.
0:49:47 You’re just kind of like laying in silence.
0:49:49 And oh my God, he’s thinking about it and I’m thinking about it.
0:49:50 Right.
0:49:53 She’s thinking about it and I hope he doesn’t ask me and I’ll pretend to sleep and all of that stuff.
0:49:54 I’ve been there.
0:49:55 Yeah.
0:49:58 And really what broke it was the two things you said.
0:50:00 The first thing was you got to talk about it.
0:50:05 And the second thing was removing the pressure and the blame and the judgment.
0:50:10 And if you can get there, and I think much of the reason why people don’t want to talk about it sometimes,
0:50:15 is because they might have a little bit of a risk that if they’re honest about how they’re feeling,
0:50:23 that the other person might leave or they might be mad or they might not hang around long enough for you to fix it together.
0:50:24 You know?
0:50:25 And also you don’t know how to fix it.
0:50:27 So it’s difficult sometimes in life to say,
0:50:30 “I’ve got a problem, but I have no idea what the solution is.”
0:50:31 You know?
0:50:32 Yeah.
0:50:36 This is one of the reasons that I like erotic play dates so much.
0:50:37 What’s that?
0:50:39 Erotic play dates are so…
0:50:40 All right.
0:50:42 I’ve written hundreds of sex techniques.
0:50:47 I’ve written dozens of communication skills.
0:50:53 And what people really want, they don’t necessarily just want a technique or a skill.
0:50:54 They just want to have fun.
0:50:57 They want erotic adventure.
0:51:00 I just want to have fun having sex with you.
0:51:05 I don’t want it to be like, “I’m going to be finding your, you know, tree spot,” or whatever.
0:51:06 Like, that’s fun.
0:51:07 That’s fun.
0:51:08 That could be one of the things you want to do.
0:51:10 That could be one of your erotic play dates.
0:51:12 It’s like, “Let’s find our G-spot.
0:51:13 Let’s try this sex toy.
0:51:15 Let’s do a lingerie photo shoot.
0:51:18 Let’s have sex on the dining room table when the kids are away.
0:51:20 Let’s do whatever.”
0:51:27 When you start to think about your sexuality, not as, “Oh, we have to grab a boob and stick it in.”
0:51:29 We have to have intercourse.
0:51:34 And when you move away from that and you take the pressure off, you have a lot more intercourse.
0:51:36 Because you start having fun.
0:51:38 You start trying things.
0:51:42 And when you try things, you have new relationship energy.
0:51:46 Sex is an equation.
0:51:48 It is two things.
0:51:53 Good sex is, half of it is safety and security.
0:51:55 I trust this person.
0:51:57 They’re not going to give me STIs.
0:52:00 You know, they’re going to be fun.
0:52:01 I like them.
0:52:02 They smell good.
0:52:03 They taste good.
0:52:06 You know, they’re going to be good to have sex with.
0:52:19 But if you, you just have that, you know, it’s like that’s the death knell for your sex life is when it’s just safe.
0:52:20 Boring.
0:52:21 Sounds so boring.
0:52:30 So variety, novelty, erotic adventures, erotic play dates, learning new things together.
0:52:39 When you have this seat, this foundation of trust and safety and good communication.
0:52:45 I can say anything I want to you and you’re going to love me and you’re going to appreciate that I’m telling you what I need all the time.
0:52:49 When you have that and then you add all the novelty.
0:52:54 Ooh, did you hear about that heated sex toy or that one that blows up in your vagina?
0:53:01 It inflates with that like, or, oh, let’s find your peace spot or let’s try this penis ring or whatever it might be.
0:53:06 Once you start doing those things, then not only that, but you have something to look forward to.
0:53:07 You’re like, okay.
0:53:14 So one of the things that I like to offer people is, is understanding what’s on your sex life bucket list.
0:53:23 So what I did was I took 48 of my best sexy ideas and I made a sex life bucket list with all 48 of them.
0:53:27 And then it’s basically this little printout here, I’ll just give you one.
0:53:28 For me?
0:53:29 Yeah.
0:53:31 Or for Tim.
0:53:33 This is for you.
0:53:38 So what’s interesting about the sex life bucket list is that I give you a video and I give you a printout.
0:53:45 And if you both do the printout and you watch the video and you go through and I tell you what all 48 ideas are.
0:53:53 And then when you do that, you go, okay, well, these are my A’s. I definitely want to do a lingerie photo shoot with you.
0:53:59 My B’s are, I mean, I’d find your peace spot with you and I’m happy to do it, but it wouldn’t be like on my A list.
0:54:02 And you’re a prostate, you’re a peace spot.
0:54:03 Is that your bum?
0:54:04 Yeah, up your bum.
0:54:05 Okay.
0:54:17 And C’s are, it’s not for me right now, never say never because as you mature, if you think about your sexual development like your personal development, it’s just one more thing you’re learning.
0:54:20 You get better and better and you increment your skills.
0:54:23 And so what you used to look at it and go, why would anybody want to be spanked?
0:54:26 Now you’re like, oh my God, I want to be spanked.
0:54:40 I’ve been there in my sexual history where I was with a partner and I remember first introducing the idea of using sex toys and my partner responded at the time many, many years ago saying that, no, that’s for 50 year old people.
0:54:42 And I was like, what?
0:54:47 And that was, I found it really disappointing because I thought I was, I was in search of novelty in the bedroom.
0:54:53 So I was looking to try new things and I’d heard of like my best friend was doing all sorts of like bondage and whips and stuff.
0:54:55 So I was like, I’ll get involved in that.
0:54:57 And they just kind of shut it down.
0:54:58 Uh-huh.
0:55:08 And what is someone supposed to do in such a situation where they’ve proposed something which is in line with their sort of their sex language, but their partner has shut it down, dismissed it, mocked it, ridiculed it, whatever.
0:55:09 What are they supposed to do?
0:55:10 Yeah.
0:55:21 First of all, I cannot wait to do my Susan’s sexy show and tell with you today because I have brought you some things that I’ve never shown anyone before.
0:55:26 I have brand new things that no one’s ever seen in the whole world for you today.
0:55:28 So I’m excited about that.
0:55:34 The second thing is that understanding that your girlfriend was afraid, she’s just afraid.
0:55:37 It was lack of knowledge makes fear.
0:55:39 So how can you educate her?
0:55:44 Say, you know, I think you’d really enjoy us playing with a toy together.
0:55:50 You know, I’d love to be inside you while you have a toy on the outside.
0:55:52 And I think you’d really enjoy it.
0:55:54 And it might give you some different kinds of orgasms.
0:56:00 So why don’t we have a date and I’ll take you to a store and we can look at them.
0:56:02 And she goes, no, I’m not interested in that.
0:56:04 I don’t like it.
0:56:06 Say, well, tell me what it is you don’t like about it.
0:56:10 Is it something where you think that it might do what?
0:56:13 You think I’d be worried about being replaced?
0:56:16 I don’t think it’s good for us, I think that we’re better doing it naturally.
0:56:19 And I think that that’s for people that are 50.
0:56:20 That’s what she said to me.
0:56:22 She said, I think that’s for people that are 50.
0:56:26 Well, we at the time must have been early 20s or something.
0:56:31 I mean, I use an electric toothbrush and an oral irrigator and I drive a car
0:56:36 and I have a mobile device and I use laptop and I use all kinds of tools.
0:56:39 So these are tools of pleasure.
0:56:43 And all I think is that we might experiment with some fun things.
0:56:48 But if the toys aren’t of interest to you right now, let’s talk about what else might be of interest.
0:56:52 Let’s do this sex life bucket list and see what does sound good to you.
0:56:55 And let’s just start with your A’s.
0:57:00 I’m perfectly willing to meet you where you are with the things that might be on your bucket list.
0:57:04 Let’s knock a few of those things off and try some fun new things together.
0:57:06 It’s interesting because I asked what you were speaking.
0:57:10 I was reflecting on that sentence that this former partner said many years ago
0:57:13 about I think it’s for people that are 50 because A, when I’m 50,
0:57:15 I still want to be having the best sex in my life.
0:57:20 And I spoke into 50-year-olds and they’re having a great time.
0:57:26 But C, it also comes back to this idea of like should, which is again a comparative measure.
0:57:38 So, you know, like this expectation and this how stereotypes can be so corrosive for like sexual exploration and an openness.
0:57:43 The other thing I was thinking about is what if you want to try something with your partner?
0:57:50 You have a fantasy and it is opposed to their fantasy.
0:57:54 So like, I think we talk about love languages a lot, but what about like sex languages?
0:57:58 Is it possible to have the opposite sex language to your partner?
0:58:04 For example, you might want to be, you might want to feel really safe,
0:58:10 but your partner wants to tie you up and dominate.
0:58:11 Yeah.
0:58:13 And that’s like, and that’s maybe that’s their thing.
0:58:14 Yeah.
0:58:16 And you, but you want to be really, you want to feel really safe.
0:58:18 So that’s like diametrically opposed.
0:58:20 So there’s a couple of things.
0:58:27 The first is that Jaya’s erotic blueprints are a good place to start.
0:58:32 She’s come up with five different archetypes, sexual archetypes.
0:58:40 And I think that’s wonderful, but it’s very similar also to the love languages where it’s like, well, Steve,
0:58:46 I want you to love me in all five ways, like making me think I have a love language.
0:58:54 It’s also a starting with the erotic blueprint that you have is great, but maybe you are really enjoying being passive.
0:58:58 But then why not try and be a little switchy?
0:59:04 Why not learn and become more confident in your sexuality and learn how to take control?
0:59:09 Or maybe you are the one that’s always dominant and it’s time for you to learn how to surrender.
0:59:23 I think that you can start in one place with your comfort zone, but begin to learn more things so that you get out of your comfort zone and you start trying new things.
0:59:24 How often?
0:59:27 You said safety plus novelty equals desire.
0:59:33 So the novelty part, I mean, if you live 100 years, that’s a lot of new ideas you’re going to need.
0:59:36 I have not run out of ideas.
0:59:44 As a matter of fact, Sir Tim, I joke that his like epitaph on his gravestone, which he’s like, I don’t even need a gravestone.
0:59:45 I don’t care about that.
0:59:49 But I always joke that his epitaph is up for anything.
0:59:53 Like I can’t come up with something that guy wouldn’t be willing to try with me.
0:59:56 And I keep coming up with stuff and he keeps being a yes.
1:00:01 And it’s really, really fun when you’re with a partner like that or when the two of you have ideas.
1:00:09 And a lot of times when we have a date, we’ll sit down and and or if we have a date with a third person.
1:00:12 So I have a boyfriend as well.
1:00:19 And the three of us make love and we’ll get together for our date and we’ll watch is that.
1:00:20 No, we were all together.
1:00:27 They’re straight, but we all make love together and we’ll sit down and we’ll be like, OK, what do you guys feel like?
1:00:31 And they’ll throw out some ideas and all throw out some ideas and then we’ll decide what we want to start with first.
1:00:34 And then we’ll come up with a game plan and then we’ll start that game plan.
1:00:36 But then I’ll be like, oh, no, you know what I want to do?
1:00:38 I want to do this instead.
1:00:41 And they’re like, OK, we’ll do that instead.
1:00:48 So you can just get to the point where you’re so comfortable that you can listen to your animal.
1:00:59 One of the reasons I use the word homo sapien when I talked to you earlier is that we can’t forget that we are part of if you think about the tree of life.
1:01:05 We’re on the branch with the bonobos and the great apes.
1:01:07 We are homo sapien.
1:01:10 We are part of the great apes.
1:01:12 And so we’re an animal.
1:01:16 We are subject to the vagaries of how much sugar we’ve eaten.
1:01:18 Have we been drinking?
1:01:19 Have we been sad?
1:01:21 Have we been stressed out, et cetera?
1:01:23 Have we been working out or not?
1:01:41 And so every time you enter into an experience together, every time you begin a lovemaking date, to not have some prescribed thing that you’re going to do, but to see what your appetite, what your animal desires, what he or she is in the mood for.
1:01:42 I’m the kitty cat.
1:01:43 I’m the lioness.
1:01:44 Where am I?
1:01:45 I want to try a new toy.
1:01:48 I want to have sex in a different location, whatever it might be.
1:01:49 What am I in the mood for?
1:01:51 What does she want?
1:01:53 I’ve got another question.
1:01:54 So this is from a young man.
1:01:55 Okay.
1:01:56 Who is a dirovisia listener.
1:01:59 And this is his situation.
1:02:14 I feel like when, whenever I am having sex with someone, that she’s not really having as good of a time.
1:02:17 As she’s acting like.
1:02:23 And the reason that I think so is because I only last like two or three minutes in bed.
1:02:31 And I just don’t think that that’s enough time for her to, you know, for her to get off also.
1:02:37 And this has been an issue dating back to my first relationship.
1:02:38 Yeah.
1:02:40 This is very, very common.
1:02:42 So Kit, you are not alone.
1:02:51 One in four men of all ages suffer from what some people call premature ejaculation or performance anxiety.
1:02:58 But one of the things that I have been doing is working with Jim Benson.
1:03:03 I publish his program called multi orgasmic lover for men.
1:03:09 And basically what it does is it helps men attain something called ejaculatory choice.
1:03:15 And that is essentially you get to ejaculate when you want to, not because you can’t help it.
1:03:19 So for the guys that are coming too fast, it slows them down.
1:03:23 It’s essentially a technique called the me breath M E.
1:03:30 And it is a way to use three things in your body.
1:03:32 It’s a body based technique.
1:03:36 It’s very similar to like learning how to swing a golf club or learning how to drive a car.
1:03:40 Where you, you know, when you’re driving a car, you’re gassing, you’re breaking,
1:03:43 you’re looking into the rear of your mirror, you’re looking out the front, you’re steering,
1:03:45 you might even be shifting.
1:03:50 And golf swing, you know, you’re setting it up, you get the head tilted right,
1:03:53 you’re doing your swing, your pullback and all these kinds of things.
1:03:55 The me breath uses three things.
1:04:00 It uses a squeeze of the PC muscle, the pubo coxegious muscle.
1:04:02 It’s like the kegaly area.
1:04:05 It uses a breath that is called a cool draw.
1:04:08 This comes from Taoist techniques for semen retention,
1:04:12 but it’s not a semen retention technique, but it’s leverages that.
1:04:19 And it uses what we call a thrust or a pelvic rock to relax guys.
1:04:25 Guys end up often with intercourse kind of doing like, like a piston.
1:04:29 They think about the vagina as like an inside out penis.
1:04:32 And it’s just this friction that’s supposed to feel good to her.
1:04:35 The vagina is a vast cavern of pleasure.
1:04:39 It is not an inside out penis and it likes all kinds of other things.
1:04:46 But when they end up with that friction and they’re stiff and they’re not relaxed,
1:04:49 it accelerates ejaculation.
1:04:55 So when they learn the squeeze, the breathe and the thrust and they do them during masturbation,
1:05:04 often men who come before they want to are suffering from kind of almost training themselves to come too fast.
1:05:09 Like they’ve masturbated in ways that gets them off quickly.
1:05:15 Often they don’t have privacy or they just don’t have leisurely time for masturbation.
1:05:22 So you practice the me breath during masturbation and it teaches your body to gas and break your arousal
1:05:24 so you can slow down.
1:05:31 And the other component is the mental component, which is that you get really nervous.
1:05:34 You’re going to do it again and then that makes you do it again.
1:05:44 And so there are some somatic techniques that allow you to be present right here, right now.
1:05:50 Because a lot of guys, guys say to me all the time, I don’t really care about my own pleasure.
1:05:51 I’m just in it for her.
1:05:53 I’m like, well, that’s a lot of pressure for her, dude.
1:05:55 It would be nice if you showed your pleasure too.
1:06:01 Like always just trying to make her have an orgasm is not really what you want to do either.
1:06:04 You need to get out of your head and into your body.
1:06:06 You got to slow down.
1:06:08 You got to get present.
1:06:12 Because if you’re thinking about something that happened in the past, oh, I’m going to come too fast again.
1:06:14 Or, oh my God, what if I come too fast?
1:06:16 You’re not with me.
1:06:24 And so if he stops trying to make her have fun, if he stops worrying, he practices the me breath at home.
1:06:31 And then when he’s making love to her, he knows how to breathe and rock his hips.
1:06:37 And by the way, that pelvic rock feels really good and intercourse for her.
1:06:39 So that’s nice too.
1:06:43 If I was to try and relate to our friend here, Kitt.
1:06:52 I think for the first sort of season of my sexual journey, I thought of sex as this thing where you kind of climb on.
1:06:54 And it needs to be like as quick as you can.
1:07:01 And in fact, because you watch pornography when you’re young, you think that the faster and harder you go, the better the job you’re doing.
1:07:02 Oh my gosh, I know.
1:07:06 I think in my wisdom, I’ve learned that there’s no rush.
1:07:10 And also, you know, I get off by watching my partner get off.
1:07:20 So this is where a lot of the things you have on this table come in because it wasn’t until later in my sexual journey that I started using these kind of things, these toys that you’ve brought.
1:07:26 I mean, you’ve brought 720 of them, but I recognize a couple of them.
1:07:28 Which ones are like a fan favorite?
1:07:36 If you’re a guy and you’re looking to pleasure your partner, which one of these is like, you know, easy money is like, is going to hit the spot.
1:07:37 Yeah.
1:07:38 Well, there’s a couple of different ones.
1:07:42 One of the things that I think is really important is yoni massage.
1:07:44 Do you know what a yoni is?
1:07:45 I do.
1:07:46 Good for you.
1:07:47 Because my.
1:07:48 A plus student.
1:07:56 My partner has told me what yoni massages are and she was in Bali for many years doing, she’s done Tantra training and I’ve been with her and stuff.
1:07:57 So yeah.
1:07:58 Great.
1:07:59 Yoni means vagina.
1:08:03 It really means, you know, the vagina is just the internal.
1:08:04 Oh yeah.
1:08:06 The vagina is the internal.
1:08:12 And the vulva is just the external facing tissue, like the outside and the inside.
1:08:14 And so vagina is not technically accurate.
1:08:16 And vulva is not technically accurate.
1:08:17 The whole thing.
1:08:18 The whole thing.
1:08:19 The whole thing.
1:08:20 Right.
1:08:23 But it’s not because the vagina is just the internal.
1:08:31 So I like the word yoni because it’s comprehensive and it’s also reverential.
1:08:32 Which means.
1:08:38 That you are not looking at it as like, this is just a thing that I’m sticking my penis in.
1:08:41 This is actually connected to this woman.
1:08:44 This is her, the seat of her passion.
1:08:46 This is the seat of her creativity.
1:08:51 This is, she is a goddess and I will pleasure every part of her.
1:09:03 And so I think that’s the number one thing that’s important to, when I, when I use the word yoni, I’m really thinking about it in a very loving, gentle, kind and pleasurable perspective.
1:09:15 And so if you want to do a good job for a yoni, the best thing that you can do is give it a massage before you make love to it.
1:09:21 And so toys that I would recommend for that are lay on toys.
1:09:25 This is a pretty burgeoning category of, of toys.
1:09:27 And I think about them as tools.
1:09:28 I don’t even think they’re toys.
1:09:32 I feel like toys is like, okay, yeah, that’s fine, but they’re, they’re tools.
1:09:33 What’s a lay on toy?
1:09:35 So here are two lay on tools.
1:09:37 This is called the pulse queen.
1:09:39 And this one actually has a vibrating plate.
1:09:41 Let, let me turn it on for you.
1:09:43 Actually, you’d probably figure it out right away.
1:09:46 Hold the middle button down for a minute and it’ll, it’ll go on.
1:09:47 There you go.
1:09:56 This pulse plate technology actually penetrates the vulva, the outside of her yoni.
1:09:59 And it feels great on the clitoral structures.
1:10:01 It feels great on the moms.
1:10:03 It’s a headache.
1:10:08 It feels great on the outer labia and the inner labia and the vestibule.
1:10:09 So what it does.
1:10:10 Wow.
1:10:11 Yeah.
1:10:13 It, it’ll, there’s plenty of power.
1:10:14 Here’s another one.
1:10:15 That’s called the vibe.
1:10:18 And that’s also a lay on tool.
1:10:25 And they send penetrating, pulsating pleasure into the yoni.
1:10:28 And what’s nice about that is that here’s my banana.
1:10:33 So if you imagine this banana is a penis, that’s pretty easy.
1:10:34 You can do that.
1:10:39 And half of your penis sticks out of your body and half of it actually goes down and
1:10:40 in towards your testicles.
1:10:45 So it’s a double, almost double what you see sticking out, fully erect.
1:10:47 It’s twice that size.
1:10:55 And inside it is erectile tissue, spongy tissue, and that spongy tissue holds blood.
1:11:01 So remember when I was talking about being held and holding and how women need to get
1:11:04 out of their head and they need to slow down?
1:11:05 Yeah.
1:11:08 If a lot of guys say to me, what’s the number one sex technique I need to know?
1:11:10 And I’m like, okay, well, there’s a lot of them.
1:11:14 But the number one sex technique you need to know is slowed down, turn around and come
1:11:16 back and get us because you’re ready to go.
1:11:20 And we’re not because your erection happens in a minute or two.
1:11:25 You can usually get a hard on because this spongy tissue in your penis has these three
1:11:28 straight shoots and the blood runs right in there.
1:11:31 You see the boob and you get an erection.
1:11:32 Boom.
1:11:34 But not a female body.
1:11:41 A female body has the same amount of erectile tissue as is inside your penis only.
1:11:43 And I’m doing a little demo here.
1:11:50 If you’re listening to us, I’m stretching this erectile tissue from the penis into this
1:11:52 little teardrop shape.
1:11:57 The vagina is in here and the urethral canal, which is what’s called the G spot, but it’s
1:11:58 not a spot.
1:11:59 It’s a long tube.
1:12:00 So here is the vagina.
1:12:05 It is wrapped in the same amount of erectile tissue that’s in your penis.
1:12:11 But it’s in these little arms, little legs, little shaft, little sponge, little sponge.
1:12:18 And so it takes about 20 minutes for her to achieve her clitoral erection.
1:12:20 So we’ll start with her first then.
1:12:21 Right.
1:12:28 So yoni massages are fantastic because you’re going to get that blood flowing into her vulva
1:12:34 so that all this tissue gets nice and plump so she gets an erection.
1:12:37 Because how does sex feel if you’re flaccid?
1:12:38 Not great.
1:12:40 It feels great when you’re erect.
1:12:47 And that’s because it has more surface area that sends more signals to your biggest sex
1:12:49 organ, your brain.
1:12:55 And so when women are rushed for sex, which has been almost all the time because everything
1:12:56 you see in the movies, what is it?
1:12:57 What’s a typical movie scene?
1:13:02 We get together, we kiss, you rip off my shirt, my bra is still on.
1:13:06 You haven’t even touched my boobs, which are one of the three, not you.
1:13:07 You’re perfect.
1:13:13 But he hasn’t even touched her boobs and he’s ripped her pants off and he’s plunged inside
1:13:14 her.
1:13:15 She’s not ready.
1:13:16 She doesn’t have a lady boner.
1:13:18 She’s not ready to go.
1:13:24 That tissue needs to be filled up with blood so that it feels as good to her so it sends
1:13:25 the signals to her brain.
1:13:30 So all those women who are like, I’m just the kind of woman who can’t have an orgasm
1:13:31 from intercourse.
1:13:33 I’m like, girl.
1:13:35 Yeah, you can.
1:13:39 You can basically have orgasms the entire time you’re having intercourse.
1:13:45 If you get enough pleasuring before you’re penetrated.
1:13:48 You said there’s multiple types of orgasms.
1:13:49 20.
1:13:50 20 different types.
1:13:51 20 plus.
1:13:54 One is wildcard because I’m always leaving opportunity open for more orgasms.
1:13:57 I read this quantum orgasm.
1:13:58 Quantum orgasm.
1:13:59 Yeah.
1:14:00 What’s that?
1:14:01 Sounds nice.
1:14:09 Of the 20 kinds of orgasms, there are locations to touch, clitoral, vaginal, anal, breast
1:14:13 gasms, nipple gasms, throat gasms, et cetera.
1:14:16 And then there are techniques to use.
1:14:23 So for female ejaculation, which all women can do, there are very specific techniques
1:14:26 and it’s not what you see on porn.
1:14:30 And then there’s expanded orgasm techniques as well.
1:14:34 And an expanded orgasm or like a quantum orgasm is this.
1:14:37 So, and then there are tools of desire.
1:14:39 So there’s three different types of orgasm.
1:14:40 I’ll finish that sentence.
1:14:46 So there’s locations to touch, techniques to use, and tools or objects of desire.
1:14:54 Because who’s to say that that crop that spanks your bottom isn’t an object of desire to give you orgasms.
1:14:56 It is too.
1:14:58 But the quantum gasm.
1:15:04 So a regular orgasm is, okay, it’s very similar to what men think about an orgasm being.
1:15:11 Like, I’m going to, and this is like the 1960s, you know, Masters and Johnson style almost 80 years ago.
1:15:14 We have moved on from the style of orgasm.
1:15:15 This is just one kind.
1:15:22 But it’s the, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
1:15:23 And you have the orgasm.
1:15:24 That’s a one and done.
1:15:29 And often women who say, or, and a lot of men complain about this to me.
1:15:31 After she has an orgasm, she doesn’t want me to touch her.
1:15:32 It’s over.
1:15:33 She’s done.
1:15:35 And I’m like, you’re driving her too hard.
1:15:37 You haven’t given her enough engorgement.
1:15:44 If you go slower, she’ll be able to have multiple orgasms because you haven’t driven her nervous system so hard.
1:15:46 To get the first one done.
1:15:57 So slow down, lighter touch, more engorgement, more foreplay, make out, play with her boobs, stroke her body, tell her she’s beautiful, all of these things.
1:16:00 And then she can move into multiple orgasms.
1:16:08 She can do that, right?
1:16:11 But then there’s extended orgasms.
1:16:16 So this is where she starts being able to sit in sensation.
1:16:20 And this is back to sex as a mindfulness practice.
1:16:22 Now she’s right there.
1:16:24 She’s in the orgasm.
1:16:37 And now she’s like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
1:16:38 That’s the sound.
1:16:40 That’s a crowd, please.
1:16:41 Yeah, I recognize that.
1:16:42 Right?
1:16:43 That’s an extended orgasm.
1:16:48 Now she’s taken that moment of time and she’s stretched it out like caffeine.
1:16:49 Right?
1:16:51 So now she’s in the orgasm.
1:16:52 Right?
1:16:54 And she’s starting to ride a big wave.
1:16:57 But then there’s an expanded orgasm.
1:17:02 And that’s the king, the queen of orgasms.
1:17:05 And that is, now I’m a big wave rider.
1:17:07 You’re towing me out.
1:17:08 You’re stroking me.
1:17:11 You’re pleasuring me.
1:17:12 It’s feeling good.
1:17:16 You get me up in that wave and I’m riding that wave.
1:17:21 And I just ride and ride and ride and ride that wave and you tow me back out.
1:17:23 And a big set just came in.
1:17:26 And now you tow me into a bigger wave.
1:17:27 It’s more intense.
1:17:29 It lasts even longer.
1:17:35 And I am just coming and coming and coming and you just keep delivering.
1:17:39 And you’re delivering it to me with the lightest of touch.
1:17:46 Because now I’m so good at orgasming that all you barely have to do is stroke a little finger
1:17:51 on all that delicious, plump, juicy tissue
1:17:55 that’s now sending massive amounts of signals to my brain.
1:18:02 And I am coming for 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes.
1:18:07 Now I’m going to come with you until I can’t anymore.
1:18:09 Let’s see how long we can go.
1:18:13 And you start having orgasms that keep getting bigger and better
1:18:16 until you’re just tired.
1:18:17 You need to stop.
1:18:19 You have to get some water.
1:18:21 You need to recover.
1:18:25 And I remember when I was learning the expanded orgasm technique.
1:18:27 This was from my mentor, Dr. Patti Taylor.
1:18:31 And I called her one day when I had one of those hour-long orgasms with Tim.
1:18:33 And I was like, let’s see how long it can come.
1:18:35 How hard it can come and how much it can come.
1:18:42 And so I came and came and came and I thought, oh man, I’m at this precipice.
1:18:44 And I’m afraid to let go.
1:18:49 Like I’m riding the waves, but there’s more and it’s out there.
1:18:50 But I’m afraid.
1:18:53 And I called Patti and I was like, what do I do?
1:18:57 And she goes, step off, go, go out there.
1:19:01 When I stepped off, I touched Source.
1:19:02 I touched God.
1:19:03 I felt Gaia.
1:19:05 I felt my connection.
1:19:07 I felt what connects us all.
1:19:11 That’s why sex is repressed.
1:19:17 That’s why people hold you away from sexuality and shame you.
1:19:23 Because if you felt God in your love-making, why would you need to go to God in a church?
1:19:24 He’s Ethan.
1:19:25 He’s far away from God.
1:19:30 My girlfriend and I just moved in together about a year ago.
1:19:35 We’ve been together for two years and we’re looking down the barrel of a dry bedroom.
1:19:41 And things have gotten real mechanical, especially in the last several months.
1:19:43 And I’m just afraid of where it’s going to go.
1:19:45 And I want to help us.
1:19:47 Good.
1:19:49 It’s not good for her.
1:19:51 She’s not enjoying it.
1:19:53 He’s bummed out.
1:19:55 So he’s probably doing…
1:20:01 I mean, how can you blame anyone for not knowing when there’s…
1:20:03 My work’s always censored.
1:20:07 I teach passionate love-making techniques.
1:20:10 But I can’t advertise.
1:20:12 I can’t advertise expanded orgasm practice.
1:20:16 If you’re trying to teach Ethan how to have an expanded orgasm with his partner…
1:20:17 Yeah.
1:20:19 How’d you go about that?
1:20:20 I just give him the program.
1:20:22 It’s 21 erotic play dates.
1:20:23 You learn the…
1:20:25 It’s a five-stroke technique.
1:20:29 But I would say start with sex life bucket list.
1:20:31 Start with trying some toys.
1:20:33 Start with yoni massages.
1:20:35 If you had to recommend one toy for Ethan, then.
1:20:38 One that’s just going to blow her mind.
1:20:41 Which one is the favorite?
1:20:44 Of all these toys, there’s more over there as well.
1:20:48 There’s got to be one that’s most popular amongst women.
1:20:49 It depends.
1:20:52 I would say that if he wants to have partnered sex with her,
1:20:58 then one could be a double vibrating penis ring that he could put on her.
1:21:00 And she could ride him.
1:21:06 And then she could put her clitoral structure up against the…
1:21:07 Here, let me help you with it.
1:21:08 No, I’ve got it, don’t worry.
1:21:09 You do?
1:21:10 Oh, good for you.
1:21:11 I might try to open a bottle with it.
1:21:12 I know.
1:21:13 It’s on the bottom.
1:21:14 You have to turn it on the bottom.
1:21:17 Hold the button on the bottom and hold it for just a second and it’ll go on.
1:21:18 And there you go.
1:21:19 And then you can press it again.
1:21:20 Press the button at the top again.
1:21:21 At the top.
1:21:22 Oh, I’m sorry, at the bottom.
1:21:23 The same one.
1:21:24 Press it again.
1:21:25 There it goes on.
1:21:29 Okay, so that vibrates on their clitoris while it’s attached to your penis.
1:21:32 Yes, actually, your penis and your testicles go through there.
1:21:33 And your testicles?
1:21:35 Yeah, all your junk goes through there.
1:21:40 And then you get perineal pleasure while she gets clitoral pleasure.
1:21:44 So you could try that, or you could give her something like this.
1:21:45 This is called the digit.
1:21:47 And this is like a little ring pop.
1:21:50 So that if you have lube all over your hands, you don’t lose it.
1:21:51 It’s not hard to hold on to.
1:21:56 And this will dance like a little hummingbird on her clitoral structure while you’re penetrating her.
1:21:57 That’s a good idea.
1:21:58 I love this one.
1:21:59 This one’s great because sometimes-
1:22:00 Give a girl a digit.
1:22:03 I’m messing around trying to hold on to this thing and it’s riding around.
1:22:04 Exactly.
1:22:05 So that’s fantastic.
1:22:06 You just got to rest it there.
1:22:07 That’s fantastic.
1:22:08 Yes.
1:22:13 So I’d say introduce her to toys, but also start giving her yoni massages.
1:22:16 Just really lay her down, get out the oil.
1:22:18 I’d like to tell you about this.
1:22:20 I brought these for you.
1:22:23 So this is for you.
1:22:26 And this is my pleasure protocol.
1:22:28 And there are three components to it.
1:22:31 The first is this.
1:22:33 Put a melt.
1:22:37 Have your partner put a melt inside her vagina.
1:22:40 This is cocoa butter, botanicals.
1:22:43 But people that can’t see, what have you just handed me?
1:22:47 I’ve handed you just a little, a little cocoa butter.
1:22:51 It’s like a little fingertip of cocoa butter that goes up inside the vagina.
1:22:57 To me, it looks like a double-sized tablet is inside here.
1:22:58 Yeah.
1:22:59 That’s reasonable.
1:23:02 And you can take one, open it up and take one out.
1:23:03 Yeah.
1:23:07 And the cocoa butter melts up in there with CBD and botanicals.
1:23:09 There you go.
1:23:10 Doesn’t it smell good?
1:23:11 Oh my gosh.
1:23:14 It smells like dark chocolate.
1:23:16 It’s cocoa.
1:23:18 Cocoa butter is from cacao.
1:23:19 It is chocolate.
1:23:20 Oh my God.
1:23:25 It’s the fat of chocolate, which is an aphrodisiac, right?
1:23:26 Doesn’t it smell good?
1:23:28 It smells, it smells like cacao, yeah.
1:23:29 Yeah, it’s so nice.
1:23:31 So she puts that inside her.
1:23:32 She pops it right in.
1:23:38 It melts almost immediately and it makes her vagina feel like velvety and luscious.
1:23:42 And then this is the intimacy, this is the awakened arousal oil.
1:23:48 So when you take this home for your girlfriend, I want you to just put a few drops in your
1:23:49 hand.
1:23:54 And then I want you to coat it on the outside, on the vulva, on her mons, her outer labia,
1:24:00 her inner labia, her clitoral shaft and tip, and the vestibule, the inside between the
1:24:01 two labia.
1:24:02 I wonder what I’m doing.
1:24:04 Doesn’t that smell so good?
1:24:10 And then when you want more slide and glide, you just put as much of the sex oil on as
1:24:11 you want.
1:24:14 So you’ve got summons, you’ve got the melt on the inside, you’ve got the arousal, the
1:24:18 awakening, which is going to be like, it essentially makes your yoni.
1:24:25 When you put the arousal oil on the awakening, it makes your yoni go, like that.
1:24:27 It’s so good.
1:24:30 And then this is, oh, I need more slide.
1:24:32 I need more glide.
1:24:34 And then this I absolutely love.
1:24:39 I used to think, I used to not really like my breasts.
1:24:40 And I’ve got great boobs.
1:24:44 And I didn’t think I did because I’m a woman and we think there’s something wrong with
1:24:45 us.
1:24:47 Everybody in the world wants to get their hands on my boobs, but I didn’t think they would
1:24:48 look good.
1:24:51 It’s ridiculous what we women do to ourselves.
1:25:00 So when I discovered nipple gasms, I was like, oh, have I been missing out?
1:25:05 And I love having orgasms from my breasts being pleasured.
1:25:08 It is so nice.
1:25:14 And I’ve done an AB split test, one nipple with and one nipple without this breast oil.
1:25:18 And nipple A loves this breast oil.
1:25:22 So when you play with your girlfriend, take little droppers full of this and have her
1:25:28 hold her boobs up and dribble it on her boobs and then spread it around and play with her
1:25:34 breasts and nipples, maybe while you’re making out or a lot of times what I like to do is
1:25:39 I like to have Tim lean up against the back of the bed, the headboard.
1:25:44 And then I put a pillow on his belly and I lean back against him.
1:25:51 And he gives me breast pleasuring with the breast oil while I tell him about my day and
1:25:55 we talk about things and we just connect with each other.
1:25:56 I think Kit had something to say about this.
1:25:57 Tell me.
1:25:59 I mean, I probably need to get better at oral sex.
1:26:04 I think oral sex is probably expected at this point.
1:26:07 So I guess I would want to learn more about that.
1:26:12 And I would want to learn more about like, this is going to sound so crazy, but like,
1:26:15 what are you supposed to do with nipples?
1:26:17 I don’t know.
1:26:20 I don’t know any other way to say that, but it’s like, you know, does it feel good to
1:26:28 like how long should I like suck on them for a while or should I like tweak them or like
1:26:33 what’s, you know, it just seems like awkward.
1:26:36 So I guess I’m more awkward than I should be.
1:26:42 And I think if someone could tell me some some things that I could do that are not awkward,
1:26:45 then I would feel so much better about everything.
1:26:48 Yeah, everybody feels like that.
1:26:51 This is just a process of learning what to do.
1:26:55 And I’m so glad that he wants to and he’s aware that he wants to learn some things.
1:26:58 I think having great oral techniques is so good.
1:27:02 Everybody that says to me, I just don’t like oral sex.
1:27:05 I’m like, because you haven’t had good oral sex.
1:27:11 Oral sex is incredible, highly orgasmic, amazing all on its own.
1:27:16 And a lot of people say, oh, I don’t like 69, which is mutual oral pleasuring.
1:27:18 And I’m like, they’re like, I can’t concentrate.
1:27:20 I’m like, you don’t have to concentrate.
1:27:26 You can just sometimes be giving and sometimes be receiving, but being connected like that,
1:27:32 being, think about the energy you’re circulating and the pleasure that you’re creating.
1:27:36 Practice makes perfect with sex.
1:27:38 Chuck me that perfected.
1:27:42 One of the things that I think about all the time, because my life is quite hectic and
1:27:44 busy is how to manage my energy load.
1:27:47 And as a podcast, you kind of have to manage your energy in such a way that you can have
1:27:52 these articulate conversations with experts on subjects you don’t understand.
1:27:54 And this is why perfected has become so important in my life.
1:27:58 Because previously, when it came to energy products, I had to make a trade-off that I
1:27:59 wasn’t happy with.
1:28:02 Typically, if I wanted the energy, I had to deal with high sugar.
1:28:06 I had to deal with jitters and crashes that come along with a lot of the mainstream energy
1:28:07 products.
1:28:10 And I also just had to tolerate the fact that if I want energy, I have to put up with a
1:28:14 lot of artificial ingredients, which my body didn’t like.
1:28:18 And that’s why I invested in perfected and why they’re one of the sponsors of this podcast.
1:28:20 It has changed not just my life, but my entire team’s life.
1:28:24 And for me, it’s drastically improved my cognitive performance, but also my physical
1:28:25 performance.
1:28:28 So if you haven’t tried perfected yet, you must have been living under a rock.
1:28:30 Now is the time.
1:28:34 You can find perfected at Tesco and Waitrose, or online, where you can enjoy 40% off with
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1:28:55 It’s not easy to struggle with substance use, but with the help and support you need, it
1:29:06 doesn’t have to be quite so hard.
1:29:15 And does the people’s libidos drop when they go into menopause?
1:29:19 It depends on so many factors.
1:29:24 Some people say that they’re having the best sex of their life through menopause.
1:29:28 And some people say that they’re libido flat lines.
1:29:29 Everybody’s so different.
1:29:30 There’s genetics.
1:29:31 There’s diets.
1:29:33 There’s belief systems.
1:29:36 And whether your sex life is already good or not, so many things.
1:29:39 Does low testosterone equal low libido, typically?
1:29:41 It can, yes.
1:29:44 And I want to explain libido desire and arousal, because they’re really three different things,
1:29:46 but people use them interchangeably.
1:29:48 Libido is your health.
1:29:49 How healthy are you?
1:29:54 One of the most common things that happens to couples is someone becomes ill, emotionally,
1:29:55 physically, or both.
1:29:59 And then they can’t have intercourse, so they think their sex life is over, and they stop
1:30:02 even touching each other.
1:30:04 And so what you have to do is you have to have that.
1:30:07 I like to say I’m like a Timex watch.
1:30:11 I can take a licking and keep on ticking, right?
1:30:16 Anything that happens to me, I just find a way to fix it, work around it, take care of
1:30:17 it.
1:30:23 I just don’t want to succumb to old age and atrophy and all of those things.
1:30:30 So I do all kinds of this sexual biohacking in these sexual regenerative therapies.
1:30:34 And then desire is how do you feel about yourself?
1:30:40 Just like Eliza, where she feels like she’s not desirable anymore.
1:30:48 You have to really work with those body issues and love yourself and get over those things
1:30:52 and bring yourself back to the pleasure and the connection and the joy that you create
1:30:54 and not hold yourself up to some perfect thing.
1:30:55 You’ve had kids.
1:30:56 You’re aging.
1:30:57 Okay.
1:31:01 But that doesn’t mean you can’t have really great sex with your husband that makes you
1:31:05 both so, so happy and makes your kids happy because they’re growing up in a household
1:31:07 where their parents aren’t all stressed out and disconnected.
1:31:11 They’re growing up in a household where mommy and daddy are going to go in the other room
1:31:17 and you need to watch Barney for a while or whatever.
1:31:22 And then arousal is this notion that men get erect very quickly and they’re ready to go.
1:31:28 They’ll drop trow at a moment’s notice and have sex anywhere anytime and women need relaxation
1:31:30 to begin to climb the arousal ladder.
1:31:32 They need that blood flow to come in.
1:31:40 That takes 20 or 30 minutes depending on frequency of engorgement and so we need that too.
1:31:45 I wanted to ask another question for one of my listeners.
1:31:49 It was a guy and we had this question come in quite a lot from our audience.
1:31:50 Good.
1:31:52 It’s about routine.
1:31:53 Where is it?
1:31:54 This one here.
1:31:55 This is Ethan.
1:31:56 Okay.
1:31:57 Yeah.
1:32:00 It’s just, it’s just, it’s just the same thing over and over again.
1:32:09 It’s, oh, we can, we can pretty much do one, maybe two, you know, positions and, and yeah,
1:32:18 it’s got to be night time, bed, same, same day, you know, every, every fucking Saturday.
1:32:21 I finally get it.
1:32:22 Yippee.
1:32:23 Yeah.
1:32:31 I can, I just feel the frustration in his voice and it, it breaks my heart and this is
1:32:38 probably a woman who has one pathway that she’s found to orgasm and that’s her comfortable
1:32:47 pathway and so she wants a sure thing and she needs it to be the same every time so she
1:32:48 can have that.
1:32:56 So what I would say to him is that again, his partner is working without a lot of knowledge
1:33:03 so she has much more fear and so the control that she’s putting onto her sex life, like
1:33:07 it’s only this way, it’s only in the dark, it’s only this day, it’s, you know, that’s
1:33:09 her, that’s her groove.
1:33:15 She’s found her groove and that’s fine but it would be, what I would want her to know
1:33:18 is that there’s 20 kinds of orgasms.
1:33:20 There’s so many pathways.
1:33:23 Try orgasmic cross-training.
1:33:30 So start with the thing that you know works and then add something else in and when you
1:33:35 are working on that one thing that works and then you add the new thing in, let’s try,
1:33:36 let’s try breast play, okay.
1:33:42 So I’m going to do what you want to do but I’m also going to stimulate your breasts and
1:33:43 nipples.
1:33:44 I’m going to slowly trace my fingers.
1:33:45 I’m going to put on some breast oil.
1:33:50 I’m going to pleasure you pretty soon.
1:33:55 That at first might not feel good to her.
1:34:01 It might make her feel, this is, if you touch a woman on her breasts, on her nipples, on
1:34:06 her vulva, on her clitoris, in her opening to her vagina which is called her entroidal
1:34:12 sphincter which is a little round muscle, inside her vagina, on her labia, all these
1:34:14 are in places and you ask her what do you feel.
1:34:18 All different women will say basically four things.
1:34:29 The first thing they’ll say is it hurts, it feels painful, it feels numb, I feel shame
1:34:31 or I feel pleasure.
1:34:39 All that’s standing between the pain, the shame, the numbness and the pleasure is orgasmic
1:34:40 activation.
1:34:49 It’s being touched in a loving way that feels safe so that you can begin to start those
1:34:52 neural pathways to the brain.
1:34:57 I’m back to the biggest sex organ again which is the third time you touched me in a loving
1:35:03 way on my labia, it actually started to not feel numb.
1:35:10 It started to feel good, great, let’s do it some more and so when you bring all the
1:35:17 sensation online, when you get all those core puzzles and nerve endings and all of that
1:35:24 tissue thrumming with pleasure, your orgasms become so easy.
1:35:30 So I would recommend for him, offer Yoni massages without intercourse on a separate
1:35:36 day of the week to begin to activate that tissue so she’s not so reliant on the pathway
1:35:41 that works for her and she begins to understand how beautiful her vulva is to him, how much
1:35:49 he loves to give her pleasure, how to relax and stay in sensation because women have a
1:35:52 lot of time staying in their body and staying in sensation.
1:36:02 One of the number one things that a sex therapist will do is teach you how to stay in sensation
1:36:04 and feel it.
1:36:07 People are disconnected from their sensation.
1:36:11 Where does masturbation and pornography fit into all of this?
1:36:13 Is that a good thing for a relationship?
1:36:14 Is it a good thing to be doing it alone?
1:36:16 Is it something that’s full of shame?
1:36:21 We had a conversation on this podcast recently about pornography and one of the really surprising
1:36:28 things that came off the back of it was women messaging me privately saying that we didn’t
1:36:34 talk about women who have an addiction to pornography, which was quite surprising to
1:36:39 me because it’s not in keeping with the stereotype, so I hadn’t crossed my mind, but I wanted
1:36:43 to give that a little bit of airtime because it’s something I didn’t talk about last time.
1:36:46 Is that something, how do you think about pornography and masturbation?
1:36:49 Is it good, bad, indifferent, shameful?
1:36:54 Oh, you’re talking to the lady that likes hard-connected, passionate love-making and
1:36:56 most pornography is just friction.
1:37:04 I like to transform friction into connection, and so I’m not against pornography.
1:37:12 It’s just not in my realm of what I like to help people with because I want to teach you
1:37:16 how to have much better sex than the stuff you’re seeing on porn.
1:37:18 What’s the harm of the stuff we see on porn?
1:37:20 I’m not saying that it’s harmful.
1:37:24 I’m just saying why live someone else’s agenda?
1:37:26 Why not live your own agenda?
1:37:31 Have your own life, have your own fantasies, have your own sexuality, have your own experiences.
1:37:32 Have you met a woman addicted to pornography?
1:37:33 No, I have not.
1:37:37 Have you met a man addicted to pornography?
1:37:38 Many.
1:37:39 Yeah.
1:37:43 And they have to go off at cold turkey and they go through withdrawal, and it’s fricking
1:37:48 hard, so I feel badly for people who do get addicted to it.
1:37:51 Do you think it ruins the real thing?
1:37:54 I do because I don’t even want to watch it.
1:38:01 First of all, Time magazine had an article that said that there was a study that randomly
1:38:08 sampled something like 340 clips of porn, and then they looked at them and they said
1:38:15 96% of them were degrading to women in some way, and that’s what we’re raising generations
1:38:17 to think is sex.
1:38:27 What I like to teach is passionate, erotic, sensual, heart-connected, ecstatic, orgasmic
1:38:28 bliss.
1:38:32 What about masturbation without the pornography?
1:38:34 Masturbation is fantastic.
1:38:43 It helps activate all of the tissue, it helps you have pleasure and fantasy, so my recommendation
1:38:49 is fantasy, although there are some new interesting things that are coming up, too.
1:38:54 For example, two of these toys that I want to show you.
1:38:57 These are really interesting new technology.
1:39:01 One of them heats up, so it gets warm.
1:39:06 There’s nothing better than sticking a nice warm thing in your vagina.
1:39:07 And I love that.
1:39:08 Try this one.
1:39:09 I don’t know if you tried that one yet.
1:39:11 These are from Satisfire.
1:39:14 And this one, check this out, man.
1:39:17 This is so interesting.
1:39:23 This particular vibrator gets a balloon and it blows up.
1:39:25 Look, I’m blowing it up.
1:39:32 For anyone that can’t see, it’s like a normal vibrator, but the end is swelling.
1:39:33 Look at that.
1:39:39 And then, if you want to let it out, you just press it, whoops, uh-oh.
1:39:41 And all the air goes out.
1:39:47 If you put this inside your vagina, it feels incredible to have that blowing up inside
1:39:50 there and filling up all that tavern of space.
1:39:57 These now are app-connected and you can listen to fantasy or music.
1:40:01 And the music will take you on an orgasmic journey.
1:40:07 The fantasies will read you stories in time with the vibrations and sensations that come
1:40:09 from the devices.
1:40:13 So if you want to watch pornography, do it.
1:40:19 For me, personally, I would rather you have a couple of hot lovers and great fun.
1:40:23 And you know, a lot of women are like, “Well, I don’t have a boyfriend.”
1:40:25 And I’m like, “Well, take a lover.
1:40:27 Why do you need someone who checks off all the boxes?
1:40:31 Why not just get a hot side piece and have great sex with them?”
1:40:34 And they’re like, “Oh my God, I never thought of that.”
1:40:36 I’m like, “Girl, stick with me.”
1:40:38 And I recommend that for anyone.
1:40:40 You don’t have to wait for the be-all and end-all.
1:40:46 You can just have great sex as long as you do STI testing, which is one of the last things
1:40:48 I wanted to talk to you about.
1:40:50 Oh, looks like I spilled a little oil on this.
1:40:51 I’m sorry.
1:40:55 This is so interesting because this is basis DX.
1:41:01 Now I have to say, full disclosure in this particular thing, I’m their chief advocacy
1:41:02 officer.
1:41:12 So because I work with people who are in poly groups and who go to sex parties and, you
1:41:17 know, I’m encouraging people to have sex, I cannot do it without the caveat that one
1:41:24 must do STI testing before they go any further than kissing or hands on a body.
1:41:29 So you can keep a couple of STI kits at home, and then if you meet your hot lover, you can
1:41:30 do your STI tests.
1:41:33 And when you get him back, then you know you’re safe.
1:41:34 Everything’s OK.
1:41:40 Because there’s a lot of long-term downstream negative effects from getting STIs.
1:41:45 It’s not as simple as, “Oh, just take an antibiotic and you’re done.”
1:41:48 Some of these things last forever and you can never get rid of them.
1:41:51 What is the most important thing that we haven’t talked about?
1:41:55 And really there I’m asking for the audience, what is the question that they’re probably
1:41:59 sat home saying, “Steve, you didn’t ask the bloody question, which I’ve got a huge issue
1:42:03 with here at home in my bedroom with my love life, with my partner?”
1:42:09 Well, we’ve talked a lot about how the body works and slowing down.
1:42:17 We’ve talked a lot about creating your own experiences, that sex is a lifetime journey
1:42:23 of pleasure and learning, that ignorance creates fear.
1:42:26 So learning solves that problem.
1:42:29 And the best way to learn is to try new things.
1:42:34 We’ve talked about so many different things that you can try.
1:42:38 We’ve talked about the fact that if you have no path to orgasm, you can get one.
1:42:39 Then you can get two.
1:42:40 Then you can get three.
1:42:43 By the way, all bodies can have over 20 kinds of orgasms.
1:42:46 You can have as many orgasms as I can.
1:42:49 We have the same parts, they’re just an in and out-y.
1:42:55 So men think they have one ejaculatory orgasm and they’re done or maybe a short refractory
1:42:59 period, but no, you have so many kinds of orgasms waiting to come out.
1:43:05 They’re all in there waiting for you to let them exist in your life.
1:43:06 So we’ve talked about that.
1:43:08 How do you know when to leave?
1:43:11 How do you know when to walk away?
1:43:18 There are so many good sex therapists out there now that you have to try that first
1:43:19 before you leave.
1:43:28 You can afford to seek therapy and you have a mismatch in your style, desire, libido,
1:43:34 whatever it might be, there’s been trauma, whatever it might be.
1:43:36 What if they don’t want to see one?
1:43:38 What if you propose the idea and they say, “No, I’m not going to therapy”?
1:43:45 Because talking about the bedroom to a total stranger is not the easiest of things to do.
1:43:47 I think I would say especially for a man.
1:43:48 I’m not saying just for men.
1:43:49 Therapists are good at that.
1:43:51 They know what they’re doing.
1:43:52 They can help you with that.
1:43:55 They can open you to the discussions.
1:43:59 I went to a therapist with my partner and we talked about a lot of big range of things
1:44:02 and we still go to couples therapy all the time.
1:44:06 It’s more of like a preventative measure, but it’s just nice to have a dedicated space.
1:44:09 And even in that, especially the first couple of times that I went, I was like, “I fucking
1:44:10 hate this.”
1:44:11 I was like, “It was embarrassing.
1:44:12 I didn’t want to say anything.
1:44:17 I was hoping she wasn’t going to say anything.”
1:44:28 Because you feel like the stranger is judging you, but also, yeah, it’s not.
1:44:35 But the reason why it’s a good thing is because in your relationship, knowing that there’s
1:44:39 a space where you’re going to get to be honest with each other and you’re going to get to
1:44:45 vocalize it makes the other 6.9 days, the other like the rest of the week much more
1:44:49 enjoyable because you know where the space is for these things.
1:44:52 You know when we’re going to sit down and have this sort of dedicated conversation.
1:44:55 So it makes the rest of the relationship better.
1:44:59 And also, I think men have a bias where we’re not typically the ones to initiate these kinds
1:45:01 of things.
1:45:06 Sometimes we might seem like resentful or reserved, but over time, even though my partner initiates
1:45:11 these kind of conversations about unmet needs and sex life and all these kinds of things,
1:45:15 over time and in hindsight, thank God she did.
1:45:21 Because I think women are sometimes better at ringing the alarm.
1:45:23 Well we’re generally more articulate.
1:45:28 So men, how they say I’m a man a few words, men are like that.
1:45:31 Partially it’s nature and partially it’s nurture.
1:45:36 And so guys don’t feel like they can, they feel like it’s not a level playing field when
1:45:39 they have to have a conversation about things with their female partner.
1:45:42 I feel like she’s going to be able to talk circles around them.
1:45:46 So it is dangerous to navigate, which is why it’s nice to have a therapist to help you
1:45:49 navigate really difficult issues.
1:45:52 And you know that old phrase, happy wife, happy life.
1:45:54 It’s a cliche, it’s a stereotype, whatever.
1:45:59 But there is a hint of truth in where that stereotype comes from.
1:46:05 And I think it originates from this idea that men are quite simple in what they express that
1:46:07 their needs are.
1:46:14 And women are more articulate, are more complex, they’re more like aware of unmet needs.
1:46:19 So they vocalise them more often, typically not always.
1:46:22 Which means that there’s this dynamics form, which the man sometimes thinks his job is
1:46:25 just to keep her happy and if I keep her happy then we’re happy.
1:46:31 But in hindsight, I’ve come to learn that it’s a really good thing that she does sound
1:46:32 the alarm.
1:46:36 But she is sensitive to unmet needs because unmet needs for her are probably unmet needs
1:46:37 for me.
1:46:39 I just can’t see them yet.
1:46:40 I’m just unaware of it.
1:46:45 So I’m just saying that to men who might feel the same way that I’ve often felt where,
1:46:47 oh my God, another problem or whatever.
1:46:52 And I’ve just come to be so grateful for the fact that my partner is very aware of these
1:46:53 unmet needs.
1:46:54 Good early warning system.
1:46:55 Yeah, very good.
1:46:56 Because I would never.
1:46:57 I’m so busy.
1:46:58 She’s smiling, I’m fine.
1:47:03 And you know this, you come to learn this because the things that when she sounds the
1:47:07 alarm, the things that it ends up solving make the relationship better, makes me happier.
1:47:11 And that’s the goal at the end of the day.
1:47:14 So reviewing everything we’ve talked about, the other thing we talked about was making
1:47:21 her small offers, filling her up with orgasms, giving her yoni massages, slowing down.
1:47:23 Those are very important, holding her.
1:47:28 It makes you feel as good to hold your woman as it does for her to be held.
1:47:30 That’s a very symbiotic thing.
1:47:34 Not thinking that sex is just intercourse, right?
1:47:40 Learning more skills, having more experiences together, doing your sex life bucket list,
1:47:44 and keeping your body in good shape, right?
1:47:48 So making sure you’re getting your exercise and your sleep and all those things so you
1:47:52 can go the distance and that sex keeps getting better your whole life long.
1:47:55 So I think we’ve covered a lot of terrain.
1:47:58 But we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for
1:48:03 the next guest, not knowing who they’re leaving it for, and the question left for you.
1:48:07 If you could go back and tell your 20-year-old self something, something that would have
1:48:12 made you happier, healthier, more successful, if you’d heard it, if it was whispered injury
1:48:18 at 20 years old, what would you tell your 20-year-old self?
1:48:21 Play full fucking out.
1:48:25 Never compromise all of your gifts and your talents.
1:48:27 Never play small.
1:48:32 It is not your job to make other people feel comfortable.
1:48:35 Of course, you can bring your heart to everyone.
1:48:40 But it is your job to live the best, most amazing life that you possibly can.
1:48:42 I have a question for you.
1:48:43 What’s that?
1:48:48 What are you going to do differently now that I’ve had this conversation with you?
1:48:49 What shifted for you?
1:48:52 There’s quite a few things.
1:48:58 The first is I have this new set of toys that I’m going to be bringing home, which is interesting.
1:49:02 I learned actually a lot about the limbic system, which we didn’t actually talk about
1:49:05 today from reading through your work and the implications that I have for our relationship
1:49:06 and our feeling of connection.
1:49:10 I learned a lot about Tantra from reading through your work as well, which again we
1:49:13 didn’t talk about today.
1:49:19 I think for my audience, one of the things that I think is really critical is to remove
1:49:27 pressure, which is, I remember a phase of my life where sex had become like the elephant
1:49:28 in the room.
1:49:32 I’m sorry, the lack of sex had become the evident elephant in the room and the pressure
1:49:35 to fix it made it worse.
1:49:39 So your approach to that is to schedule these like play dates.
1:49:40 Yeah.
1:49:41 Not try to get sex.
1:49:49 There’s no like penetrative intercourse guaranteed on the menu and just to start from the foundations
1:49:50 of being connected.
1:49:54 And then the other thing, of course, is just the importance of novelty in sex, which is
1:49:58 something that I’m five, six years into my relationship now, so it’s something I think
1:49:59 about a lot.
1:50:02 I think about keeping it fresh and stuff like that.
1:50:03 And I talk to my friends a lot about this a lot.
1:50:08 I call it desire management, which is how you manage desire so it doesn’t fade out.
1:50:13 And I like a flame that needs the right amount of oxygen, too much oxygen and it’s going
1:50:16 to blow out, but just like the right amount of oxygen.
1:50:21 When I say too much oxygen, I mean, what’s that in the analogy that I’d be like, I guess
1:50:29 it would be too much distance, like, and a lack of safety, whereas just the right amount
1:50:33 of oxygen is like the right amount of safety and the right amount of novelty.
1:50:38 The way I look at it is like if you took a handle and you put one of these things over
1:50:39 it, it would go out.
1:50:40 And that’s okay.
1:50:44 In that analogy, what you’ve done there is there’s no novelty, there’s routine, you’re
1:50:48 there all the time, they see you when they wake up, you never leave the house, you’re
1:50:50 attached to each other.
1:50:54 And then there’s like a little bit of oxygen in, but not too much that it’s going to blow
1:51:02 out, which is, you know, keep yourself high desire, maybe go on work trips every once
1:51:08 in a while, be away from each other, miss each other, go to new places, wear new things,
1:51:09 bring new toys.
1:51:10 Yeah.
1:51:11 You know, so I think about that a lot.
1:51:14 That’s such a simple equation.
1:51:17 I learned that from Dossi Eaton.
1:51:25 She wrote the ethical slut and she was the one that taught me safety and variety equals
1:51:26 desire.
1:51:27 Interesting.
1:51:28 Yeah.
1:51:31 I’ve come to come to learn that maybe from watching my friends and my friends have taken
1:51:32 all these different approaches.
1:51:35 My one friend, he knows who he is, he listens to this and always sends me the clips.
1:51:38 He like stifles a lot of the women that he ends up with.
1:51:39 Yeah.
1:51:40 Insecurity.
1:51:41 He will move in.
1:51:44 Honestly, in two situations, he moved in with them on either the first or the second
1:51:45 day.
1:51:46 Was it?
1:51:47 Oh, wow.
1:51:48 The second day twice.
1:51:51 And they became his girlfriends that lasted about a month, one of them lasted about two
1:51:52 years.
1:51:57 But just the fact that he’s moving in on the second day was like problematic in both situations.
1:51:58 One of them was COVID.
1:52:02 One of them was, she just lived in a faraway land, so she had to fly over and then where
1:52:04 she’s going to live, she lived with him.
1:52:06 And then I’ve seen my other friends play in other ways.
1:52:09 I’ve seen the long distance and how that can fade out if it’s too far away.
1:52:10 It’s hard.
1:52:13 And I’ve always thought there’s a sweet spot somewhere in the middle there.
1:52:14 Definitely.
1:52:15 But again, this is subjective.
1:52:16 Yeah.
1:52:18 It’s probably different for me as it is for you and Tim.
1:52:19 Thank you.
1:52:24 I want to say the work you’re doing is helping a huge, huge amount of people sort of demystify
1:52:28 these subjects, which are so stigmatized and seem to be so elusive and mysterious in so
1:52:29 many people’s lives.
1:52:33 The reason why I have these conversations on the podcast and invite people like you on
1:52:35 is because I’m trying to say the quiet part out loud.
1:52:38 This is going to be the dire of a CEO and what would be in your diary.
1:52:40 It wouldn’t just, it wouldn’t be P&Ls and spreadsheets.
1:52:43 It would be worries about erectile dysfunction.
1:52:45 It would be, I’m not having sex with my partner.
1:52:47 It would be, how do I improve my sex life?
1:52:48 What the fuck do I do with nipples?
1:52:49 Like you said.
1:52:50 It would be these kinds of things.
1:52:52 And that’s what you do in your work and you do it better than anybody.
1:52:53 Thank you.
1:52:55 Honestly, you’re doing something really amazing for a lot of people.
1:52:57 A lot of people you’ll never even get to see.
1:53:00 So on behalf of all of them and me, thank you for what you do.
1:53:04 Thank you so much for giving me the light so that I could help people.
1:53:09 I appreciate that.
1:53:12 I’m going to let you into a little bit of a secret and you’re probably going to think
1:53:14 that I’m a little bit weird for saying this.
1:53:20 But our team, our team, because we absolutely obsess about the smallest things even with
1:53:21 this podcast.
1:53:24 When we’re recording this podcast, we measure the CO2 levels in the studio because if it
1:53:28 gets above a thousand parts per million, cognitive performance dips.
1:53:32 This is the type of 1% improvement we make on our show and that is why the show is the
1:53:33 way it is.
1:53:38 By understanding the power of compounding 1%, you can absolutely change your outcomes
1:53:39 in your life.
1:53:43 It isn’t about drastic transformations or quick wins.
1:53:48 It’s about the small, consistent actions that have a lasting change in your outcomes.
1:53:52 So two years ago, we started the process of creating this beautiful diary and it’s truly
1:53:53 beautiful.
1:53:57 Inside, there’s lots of pictures, lots of inspiration and motivation as well, some
1:53:58 interactive elements.
1:54:04 And the purpose of this diary is to help you identify, stay focused on, develop consistency
1:54:07 with the 1% that will ultimately change your life.
1:54:10 We’re only going to do a limited run of these diaries, so if you want one for yourself or
1:54:15 for a friend or for a colleague or for your team, then head to the diary.com right now.
1:54:37 I’ll link it below.
1:54:40 (upbeat music)