Sabrina Zohar: Thrive in Love and Business, A Masterclass on Dating and Relationships for Entrepreneurs

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0:01:24 Burn your fucking checklist.
0:01:26 It’s not getting you anywhere.
0:01:29 Focus on how do I want to feel when I’m with this person?
0:01:31 ‘Cause you could meet someone that doesn’t check those boxes
0:01:33 and go, holy shit, I feel amazing with this person.
0:01:35 Sabrina is huge on TikTok.
0:01:37 She almost has a million followers.
0:01:39 She’s an entrepreneur herself and an expert
0:01:42 in the realm of dating and relationships.
0:01:44 If physicality is important, don’t kid yourself.
0:01:46 You don’t need to do charity work and date someone
0:01:47 ’cause they’re nice to you,
0:01:48 but you don’t even want them to touch you.
0:01:51 Talk to me about Sparks and how we should think about them.
0:01:54 The Spark is just your nervous system,
0:01:56 giving blood to your hands and your feet
0:01:57 so that you could run.
0:01:59 The problem is we see someone attractive and go,
0:02:01 oh my God, it’s a sign.
0:02:03 What we want to look at is,
0:02:05 what do you feel is important
0:02:07 for a sustainable, long-lasting relationship?
0:02:09 Number one, always and forever.
0:02:10 You have to.
0:02:13 (dramatic music)
0:02:19 (soft music)
0:02:22 (soft music)
0:02:30 – Yeah, fam, as entrepreneurs,
0:02:33 we pour our hearts and souls into our businesses,
0:02:36 often leaving little time for love and connection.
0:02:37 But what does it really take
0:02:39 to balance the demands of a thriving business
0:02:42 with the desire for a fulfilling relationship
0:02:43 and personal life?
0:02:45 My guest today, Sabrina Zohar,
0:02:46 is both an entrepreneur herself
0:02:50 and an expert in the realm of dating and relationships.
0:02:52 In addition to her success as a relationship coach,
0:02:55 Sabrina continues to expand her influence
0:02:58 across the entrepreneurial space, fashion and media,
0:03:01 including her hit podcast, The Sabrina Zohar Show.
0:03:03 Today, we’re gonna discuss everything
0:03:05 from her insights into online dating apps
0:03:07 to attachment styles to the unique challenges
0:03:09 of navigating the dating world
0:03:12 while building a successful business.
0:03:14 I’m especially looking forward to this conversation
0:03:17 because I feel like dating in 2024 and beyond
0:03:18 is just so difficult
0:03:22 and we haven’t talked about it on the podcast in a long time.
0:03:23 So without further delay,
0:03:27 here’s my conversation with the incredible Sabrina Zohar.
0:03:30 Sabrina, welcome to Young and Profiting Podcast.
0:03:32 – Oh, Hala, thank you so much for having me.
0:03:33 I’m so excited.
0:03:36 – I love talking about dating.
0:03:37 I’m dating right now.
0:03:41 So this is the perfect episode for me, selfishly,
0:03:42 just to kick us off.
0:03:44 I’ve got a lot of listeners who are entrepreneurs
0:03:46 in their 20s and their 30s right now.
0:03:50 They’re dating, they’re trying to find their life partner,
0:03:52 but they’re also trying to start a business
0:03:55 or they’re already running a really successful business.
0:03:58 So first off, what do you think are the main challenges
0:04:01 for entrepreneurs when it comes to dating?
0:04:04 – Oh God, as somebody who is an entrepreneur,
0:04:07 I have like a clothing line outside of this business
0:04:09 that I built, I can totally understand and commiserate.
0:04:11 And I think the biggest challenge that we see
0:04:14 with entrepreneurs, especially in the dating realm,
0:04:16 is this all or nothing mentality.
0:04:18 It’s like either I have to completely sacrifice my career
0:04:22 to have this family, or I have to be completely alone.
0:04:24 I can’t talk to anybody for 10, 15 years,
0:04:27 and then maybe I can entertain a relationship.
0:04:29 And really where I think that stems from
0:04:31 is we have to really look at,
0:04:32 what are your attachment styles?
0:04:34 What were you taught growing up?
0:04:36 Are we scared of losing our independence?
0:04:38 Is it that we have this mindset that it’s like,
0:04:40 I have to be making this much money
0:04:43 in order for me to attract the right partner, right?
0:04:45 And so I think what we start to see
0:04:47 is it’s really the core beliefs and the narratives
0:04:48 that start to push in its way,
0:04:50 because for me personally,
0:04:53 I met my partner when I was in between businesses.
0:04:56 So my clothing line, I was supposed to do Shark Tank,
0:04:59 got sent home, it was this whole debacle.
0:05:01 And I had been hustling and growing it
0:05:04 and doing everything I could and pouring my life in.
0:05:05 And then I just realized at the end of it,
0:05:07 what did I have to show, right?
0:05:09 Okay, so I had money in the bank and I had this career,
0:05:11 but I didn’t feel fulfilled.
0:05:12 And so when I started this career,
0:05:14 I also met my partner at the same time
0:05:17 and navigating growing a business
0:05:19 and like really scaling a business
0:05:21 while trying to form a relationship.
0:05:22 By no means is it easy,
0:05:24 but it’s absolutely possible
0:05:27 when we understand truly ourselves,
0:05:28 we understand our want needs and desires,
0:05:30 and we understand the boundaries
0:05:31 that we’re willing to place
0:05:33 and have some flexibility, right?
0:05:35 If it’s, I have to get this work done tonight,
0:05:36 I have a deadline,
0:05:38 then it’s having a partner that understands,
0:05:39 hey, I’m so sorry, I can’t make it to dinner,
0:05:41 can I make it up to you?
0:05:43 And it’s really about understanding ourselves,
0:05:44 how we communicate with other people.
0:05:47 It is possible, but I think more often than not,
0:05:49 we think it’s one or the other
0:05:51 and we don’t realize you can have both,
0:05:52 it’s just about balance.
0:05:54 – I know that it’s difficult for entrepreneurs
0:05:58 because we’ve got this whole other relationship
0:06:00 that we’re in, which is our business.
0:06:03 And it’s really hard to just balance work life
0:06:04 and relationships.
0:06:06 I think for entrepreneurs in general,
0:06:09 just finding time for relationships is really difficult.
0:06:12 So for those of us who are in a relationship
0:06:14 with a non-entrepreneur,
0:06:17 how do we effectively communicate that gap
0:06:20 in terms of all the demands that we have in our lives?
0:06:21 – Totally, it’s a great question.
0:06:22 I personally am in a relationship
0:06:23 as I am the entrepreneur,
0:06:25 my partner has always just had a job.
0:06:28 He’s just worked in tech, he’s never owned his own company.
0:06:31 And the one major aspect I think is,
0:06:32 it’s really about the communication.
0:06:34 And it’s important to be very clear
0:06:35 with the person that you’re seeing,
0:06:37 that you’re dating, like, hey,
0:06:39 my priority right now is scaling this business,
0:06:40 getting it to this level,
0:06:42 doing what I need to do in order to get that,
0:06:45 which is going to mean that there are going to be sacrifices
0:06:46 that need to happen.
0:06:48 I had to talk with my partner to explain,
0:06:50 yes, when we wake up in the morning,
0:06:51 I’m probably checking my emails.
0:06:53 I’m making sure that people in other countries,
0:06:55 that brands and things that I’m dealing with
0:06:57 in Switzerland that are 15 hours ahead,
0:07:00 not Switzerland being 15 hours ahead, you know my point,
0:07:01 but these different places, right?
0:07:03 You’re navigating different parts of the world.
0:07:06 And it’s really about being communicative with your partner
0:07:08 and saying like, hey, this is part of the gig, right?
0:07:09 You want the entrepreneur,
0:07:12 you want this person that’s so driven and motivated,
0:07:14 but that’s also going to come with sacrifices
0:07:17 that I’m going to need to make in this relationship.
0:07:20 But I am still 100% committed to us growing together.
0:07:21 And if you’re willing to sit by my side
0:07:23 while we go through this,
0:07:25 I promise to at least communicate along the way.
0:07:28 – I wanna talk about your experience,
0:07:30 because many entrepreneurs,
0:07:32 you ended up in a career where you’re basically
0:07:34 helping who you were in the past.
0:07:37 You’re helping your younger self now,
0:07:39 because you had a lot of issues with your own dating
0:07:42 and a lot of experiences with your dating.
0:07:45 So talk to us about your relationship past,
0:07:47 your rock bottom moment
0:07:50 and how you ended up becoming a relationship coach.
0:07:51 – I was the epitome of a hot mess.
0:07:54 I don’t know how else to say it in a polite way.
0:07:56 For me personally, I grew up with a father
0:07:58 who was an entrepreneur, all of my life, my father owned
0:08:00 businesses, he never worked for anybody else.
0:08:02 And then I had a mom that was a stay-at-home mom.
0:08:05 So it was two very polarizing experiences,
0:08:07 one sacrificing everything to have children
0:08:09 and then the other one sacrificing everything
0:08:10 to have a business.
0:08:13 So I grew up with a lot of core wounds, right?
0:08:14 I’m not good enough, I’m too much,
0:08:16 there’s something wrong with me.
0:08:19 And it doesn’t surprise anybody that I went into sales, right?
0:08:21 I had to sell myself and convince people
0:08:23 and I crushed it as being in sales
0:08:25 and working in wholesale and in fashion.
0:08:26 I lived in New York for 12 years
0:08:29 and I just started to realize I am the epitome of trauma.
0:08:31 I continue to repeat the same patterns,
0:08:32 I continue to date the same people,
0:08:35 I continue to have the same experiences.
0:08:37 And for me, I leaned highly anxious.
0:08:40 So really quick, just for anybody who’s not familiar,
0:08:41 we’ve got the attachment styles.
0:08:43 And the reason I bring up attachment styles
0:08:46 isn’t because I want everyone to start diagnosing
0:08:46 everyone they’re dating.
0:08:49 And attachment styles are just important for us, right?
0:08:53 So off the bat, we’ve got four main attachment styles
0:08:54 depending on who you’re talking to.
0:08:57 We’ve got secure, which means I can give and receive love,
0:09:00 I understand independence and interdependence.
0:09:01 People that are secure grew up in households
0:09:04 where their parents were loving and compassionate
0:09:05 and gave them the needs that they had.
0:09:07 They attuned to their needs.
0:09:09 They taught them how to give and receive, right?
0:09:11 It’s more of a balance.
0:09:12 Then we have the insecure attachments.
0:09:14 We have anxious, which manifests in
0:09:18 constantly needing validation, everything being external.
0:09:21 You tell me I’m okay, I just need to know I’ll be all right.
0:09:23 Then the pendulum swings
0:09:25 and usually the anxious household is in consistency,
0:09:28 abandonment issues, things of caregivers
0:09:30 not being there consistently.
0:09:31 Then we have the avoidant
0:09:33 and the avoidant is the other end of the spectrum, right?
0:09:35 The avoidant is not a bad person.
0:09:36 That just means when triggered,
0:09:38 this person learns to shut down.
0:09:41 So the anxious goes outwards, I need the validation.
0:09:44 The avoidant looks at this as I just need to protect myself.
0:09:45 Feelings aren’t safe.
0:09:46 I don’t want to deal with this.
0:09:48 Too much overload shut down.
0:09:50 So they go inward, right?
0:09:51 And so we see that a lot,
0:09:53 especially with like high powered CEOs, right?
0:09:54 If you’re super avoidant,
0:09:57 you might be just no emotion, everything is factual,
0:09:59 but that doesn’t translate into our relationships
0:10:02 because we do need to hold space for emotions, right?
0:10:05 So oftentimes a lot of business owners
0:10:07 can be more avoidant leaning because they learn,
0:10:09 let me just dump everything into my business.
0:10:11 I don’t need to worry about the rest.
0:10:13 Then we have that disorganized attachment,
0:10:15 which is the amalgamation, if you will,
0:10:17 but it’s really that push pull I want love.
0:10:19 So they have that anxiety of I need it, I need it.
0:10:21 But then when they get it, it’s no, no, no,
0:10:23 I’m scared of it and they run.
0:10:24 So that’s where you’ll see that push pull
0:10:26 where you almost feel like you’re going crazy.
0:10:28 That’s this disorganized attachment.
0:10:30 Those are really prevalent in homes of abuse, right?
0:10:31 You love your caregiver,
0:10:33 but you’re scared of them at the same time.
0:10:35 So it creates that amalgamation.
0:10:37 The reason I bring that up is just to say,
0:10:39 I was the poster child for anxiety, right?
0:10:42 I was constantly seeking external validation,
0:10:43 inclusive of my business, right?
0:10:45 Trying to present myself.
0:10:48 And it was 10 years of doing the same shit,
0:10:50 10 years of dating the same people,
0:10:52 dating the emotionally unavailable,
0:10:54 not understanding what was wrong with me,
0:10:55 feeling so insecure in my business.
0:10:56 When I started software,
0:10:58 it didn’t matter how much money we made.
0:11:02 Every day I was scared, fear, fear was driving the car.
0:11:03 And that’s that anxiety.
0:11:06 And for me, that manifested in my dating relationships,
0:11:08 being shit, I married my father.
0:11:10 I married an exact replica of the man
0:11:12 I was trying to run away from my entire life.
0:11:13 And after that, when I hit rock bottom,
0:11:16 and I just said, I’m a shell of a human.
0:11:17 I don’t have any money.
0:11:18 This was 2018.
0:11:19 And I said, I’m starting therapy.
0:11:21 And that just started to understand,
0:11:23 oh, where did I learn this behavior from?
0:11:24 Oh, wait, what’s coming up for me?
0:11:26 Oh, wow, wait, in my business,
0:11:30 I’m also manifesting as this very anxious person.
0:11:32 And it’s coming out in my relationships, right?
0:11:35 Like used to start to understand how they’re correlating.
0:11:36 Fast forward, 2022.
0:11:37 I moved to LA.
0:11:38 I left New York.
0:11:39 I was running software.
0:11:41 Software during COVID exploded.
0:11:43 We hit a million dollars that year.
0:11:44 And it was just me running everything.
0:11:46 So I was super proud of the business that I’d built.
0:11:50 And the next year, I’m ready to go on Shark Tank.
0:11:52 This is July of 2022.
0:11:54 None of what I have now existed.
0:11:57 I wasn’t a dating coach or relationship coach or anything.
0:12:00 But at the time, I was doing a ton of podcasts and panels
0:12:01 and people were reaching out to me
0:12:02 to coach them for business.
0:12:04 Like, how do you start a business from nothing?
0:12:06 Can you teach me about the mindset and things like that?
0:12:09 So I was coaching people off the beaten path, if you will.
0:12:11 And I was on Shark Tank and I was like, this is it.
0:12:12 This is gonna be my life.
0:12:13 I’m gonna fucking kill it.
0:12:15 I’m gonna get this deal.
0:12:17 This is gonna be it for me.
0:12:19 And after 12 hours of on set, they said,
0:12:20 sorry, we don’t have time for you today.
0:12:21 You gotta go home.
0:12:23 I crashed.
0:12:26 That was the second big breakdown for me.
0:12:28 The first being when my ex left me and my mom got sick
0:12:30 and my life started to transition.
0:12:32 I started my clothing company.
0:12:34 Then this is fast forward five, six years later.
0:12:36 You’re like, it feels like Groundhog’s Day.
0:12:38 You’re like, wait a minute, how can I lose everything again?
0:12:40 A month later, my dog passed away.
0:12:42 I just couldn’t understand what to do.
0:12:43 I had no money.
0:12:45 My business was in shambles.
0:12:47 I broke up with this guy that I was not happy with.
0:12:48 My dog passed away.
0:12:50 My dating life is shit.
0:12:51 And all I kept thinking was,
0:12:53 there’s gotta be other people that are hurting like I am.
0:12:54 And there’s gotta be other people
0:12:56 that are looking at the clickbait on the internet saying,
0:12:57 but this doesn’t resonate with me.
0:12:59 I don’t wanna play these games.
0:13:01 So I started to create my own content.
0:13:03 I just picked up a TikTok one day and said,
0:13:05 let me see if there’s other people that resonate.
0:13:08 And that just mushroomed into, okay, there are.
0:13:10 And people were coming to me like, hey, can we talk?
0:13:11 I want you to coach me.
0:13:12 I wanna work with you.
0:13:15 And I just started to organically build this business on,
0:13:16 okay, supply and demand.
0:13:17 You want me, I’m here.
0:13:19 I’ll do what you need.
0:13:21 But all of that was staying really fucking authentic
0:13:23 to myself and not changing who I am
0:13:25 and not trying to people please.
0:13:26 And ooh, don’t talk as fast
0:13:28 ’cause these people don’t like it.
0:13:30 No, this is who I am and this is how I speak.
0:13:32 And that just allowed me to grow that business
0:13:34 all while I met my partner at the same time.
0:13:37 And my life changed when internally I changed.
0:13:38 As a business owner,
0:13:39 I’ve never been a better business owner
0:13:41 because of the work that I’ve done.
0:13:43 – I love your story so much.
0:13:46 And guys, Sabrina is huge on TikTok.
0:13:49 She almost has a million followers, which is incredible.
0:13:53 She has a podcast that literally came out of nowhere
0:13:55 and has done so well.
0:13:58 It’s called the Sabrina Zohar Show Now.
0:14:01 And just an incredible hats off to you
0:14:05 for following your gut, for sharing your knowledge.
0:14:09 And I love the fact that you didn’t study relationships.
0:14:11 This is not what you went to school for.
0:14:12 This is not even what you thought
0:14:14 you were going to be doing,
0:14:15 but you just went for it.
0:14:16 You saw a path and you’re like,
0:14:17 “Hey, like I’m good at this.
0:14:18 I can keep learning it
0:14:21 and teaching other people in the process.”
0:14:22 – 100%.
0:14:23 For people that are listening,
0:14:24 you’re entrepreneurs, right?
0:14:26 We’re always waiting for the perfect moment.
0:14:27 Oh, I need like, even I’m sure, Halla,
0:14:29 you could have how many experiences where you’re like,
0:14:30 I was waiting, waiting, waiting.
0:14:33 And then you start something and you just, it works, right?
0:14:35 Your podcast growing, expanding.
0:14:36 I could imagine there was prep,
0:14:38 but you just sometimes have to say,
0:14:39 “Let me just go for it.”
0:14:40 And it was the same.
0:14:42 It was seeing a need in the market.
0:14:44 And I think that’s really something that I highlight
0:14:46 with any entrepreneurs that I work with.
0:14:48 What problem are you actually solving, right?
0:14:49 If you have a passion towards something
0:14:52 and you say, “I am the prime demographic
0:14:53 that needs this material.”
0:14:55 Well, then it’s really understanding who my audience is
0:14:58 so that I can resonate more with them.
0:14:59 My mama has always taught me,
0:15:00 you can please some of the people some of the time,
0:15:03 but you can’t please all the people all the time.
0:15:05 And understanding that as a business owner,
0:15:08 I can’t make everybody happy and I’m not trying to.
0:15:11 But by really staying true and just watching the market
0:15:12 and being very aware of,
0:15:13 “Okay, this is what people want.
0:15:15 Great, let me give them more.”
0:15:16 You know what, this isn’t what people want.
0:15:18 I don’t need to put more of my energy into that.
0:15:21 Allowed me to take control of my life,
0:15:22 which is also very reminiscent
0:15:24 of how we can experience our dating life.
0:15:26 I can’t control the outcome.
0:15:27 I can’t control if this is gonna work,
0:15:29 but I can control how I show up
0:15:31 and how I navigate the waters.
0:15:32 – A lot of people don’t realize
0:15:35 that when you start a popular social media account,
0:15:38 you’re really in the business of audiences.
0:15:40 It’s not really about what you sell,
0:15:42 it’s about what your audience wants.
0:15:45 And you can just evolve based on what your audience wants.
0:15:47 And that’s really the future of everything
0:15:49 when it comes to online entrepreneurship.
0:15:52 Okay, so you talked about attachment styles.
0:15:54 And I love the overview that you gave
0:15:55 because I was gonna ask you for it.
0:15:58 So I’m so happy that you did that.
0:15:59 And I wanna dig deeper
0:16:01 because this has become such a hot topic.
0:16:03 I was just on a double date the other day.
0:16:06 And the guy that was on the other date
0:16:09 was basically like, “Oh, like why don’t we go round robin
0:16:11 and everybody share their attachment style?”
0:16:14 And we did it as an icebreaker,
0:16:17 which I see rolling your eyes here
0:16:19 for those who are just listening on audio.
0:16:21 But I thought it was a cool,
0:16:23 I didn’t really know what my attachment style was,
0:16:25 but it was a cool thing to discuss and see.
0:16:27 And even it’s relevant
0:16:29 outside of just romantic relationships.
0:16:31 So it was a cool way to kind of get to know each other
0:16:33 as an icebreaker.
0:16:35 So let me ask you,
0:16:37 you didn’t feel that was appropriate, I guess.
0:16:38 – No, because I’ll be honest,
0:16:40 people are really shitty at self-assessment.
0:16:43 So I hear this every day of like, “I’m secure and I’m this.”
0:16:44 And you’re like, “Really?”
0:16:46 But all of these actions that you’re stating
0:16:48 don’t match secure.
0:16:51 And the reality is that attachment styles are not fixed.
0:16:54 Wait, wait, before I go on, what did he say he was?
0:16:56 – I think he said he was avoidant.
0:16:57 – Right.
0:16:59 And the reality is because then if somebody’s saying,
0:17:00 “Oh, I’m avoidant.”
0:17:02 As the receiving end of that,
0:17:04 as a woman who has leans more anxious, huge red flag.
0:17:08 And the problem is it’s not that he’s a red flag.
0:17:10 It’s not that he being avoidant is a red flag.
0:17:12 It’s because of what we’ve been taught and conditioned.
0:17:14 The minute I hear, “Oh, you’re more avoidant,
0:17:15 “no thanks, I don’t wanna deal with this.”
0:17:18 And what happens is he ends up shooting himself in the foot.
0:17:21 Because he can change that, he can heal through it.
0:17:23 He can say something that would be an interesting topic
0:17:26 is instead of asking somebody what’s your attachment style,
0:17:27 because some people would go,
0:17:30 “I don’t know, I don’t wanna myself identify.”
0:17:31 The response and the question could be,
0:17:33 how do you handle conflict?
0:17:34 Do you shut down
0:17:36 or do you need to talk about something immediately?
0:17:37 That would give me an understanding,
0:17:39 oh, maybe you lean more avoidant.
0:17:41 Okay, well, what’s uncomfortable
0:17:42 about having the conversation?
0:17:45 We can have more depth and understanding
0:17:48 versus if he tells me he’s avoidant and my responsibility,
0:17:49 oh, well, then what are we doing here?
0:17:50 You’re probably not even getting, right?
0:17:53 I’m starting all these preconceived notionally.
0:17:55 I’m curious, how did you feel receive
0:17:56 or how did your friend that was on the date
0:17:57 feel receiving that?
0:18:00 I know that the person that I was on the date with
0:18:01 said that he was also avoided.
0:18:02 And to your point in my head,
0:18:04 I’m like, well, I’m just wasting my time here.
0:18:05 Why the heck am I here?
0:18:07 You know, like, so it wasn’t to your point.
0:18:09 It really did shoot him in the foot.
0:18:10 Right?
0:18:12 Because he could be have more avoidant tendencies,
0:18:14 but maybe that doesn’t come out with you, right?
0:18:17 Maybe you’re significantly more secure for him
0:18:18 and it doesn’t trigger him.
0:18:20 The problem with setting the stages that
0:18:22 is it doesn’t allow growth.
0:18:24 It doesn’t allow you to change and evolve
0:18:25 because the other reality is
0:18:28 I might be super anxious with one person,
0:18:29 but then I meet somebody else
0:18:31 and I’m not as triggered by that person.
0:18:34 So I’m less anxious with them ’cause it’s a spectrum.
0:18:35 And I think that’s the misconception
0:18:37 is we’ve villainized avoidance, right?
0:18:39 I mean, you know, as well as I do,
0:18:41 the content we see on the internet.
0:18:42 And it’s not fair to people.
0:18:44 So I’ll leave it back up.
0:18:45 There is a book called “Attached.”
0:18:46 That’s what started a lot of this.
0:18:49 “Attached” was written by Amir Levine
0:18:50 and this was written, I believe, 2007.
0:18:52 So it’s a minute ago.
0:18:54 And it’s like the number one book in this field.
0:18:57 And Amir Levine has come out now recently saying
0:18:59 I was way too hard on the avoidant in the book.
0:19:01 I didn’t understand them enough
0:19:03 and I really villainized them
0:19:05 because he made them come off as these cold callists.
0:19:06 We don’t care about anything.
0:19:08 We just shut down and remove ourselves.
0:19:11 But that’s not actually how avoidants work, right?
0:19:13 There’s a difference between avoidant personality disorder,
0:19:14 somebody who just avoids everything
0:19:16 because everything makes them uncomfortable
0:19:18 versus an attachment style.
0:19:20 Here’s the thing, you have to be attached
0:19:21 for that to come out.
0:19:23 So I might not be anxious with someone
0:19:24 if I’m not that into them
0:19:28 because I’m not feeling that childhood core wound
0:19:30 being activated.
0:19:32 So it’s not fair for me to say I’m anxious.
0:19:34 No, I have anxious tendencies
0:19:37 and I run a little bit more anxious than the average person.
0:19:38 That allows me space to grow
0:19:40 into a different version of myself.
0:19:41 So good.
0:19:46 Okay, so is there like a good and bad attachment style
0:19:50 because it seems like secure feels like the obvious best one
0:19:51 that we should all try to achieve
0:19:53 is the secure attachment style.
0:19:55 But do anxious attachment styles
0:19:58 or avoidant have any pros to them?
0:20:01 Like, is it really like trying to just become secure?
0:20:03 So when we look at attachment styles
0:20:04 ’cause I think that’s a great question, right?
0:20:06 It’s, we’ve seen, oh, if you’re anxious,
0:20:08 at least you’re expressing yourself
0:20:09 and it’s like, no, you’re not.
0:20:10 You’re just talking.
0:20:11 Talking doesn’t mean communicating, right?
0:20:13 There’s two very different things.
0:20:14 And same with the avoided.
0:20:15 Well, he just pulls away.
0:20:17 Maybe that person needs to process, right?
0:20:19 There are pros and cons to the behavior
0:20:21 depending how we look on it.
0:20:23 The reality is our attachment styles
0:20:25 are not something that we asked for.
0:20:26 So attachment styles form
0:20:28 in the zero to six age of our lives.
0:20:32 So attachment styles are formed very early childhood
0:20:35 dependent on how your caregivers attune to your needs.
0:20:37 So for me, I have that high anxiety
0:20:38 because I came in a household.
0:20:41 I had a narcissistic father constantly dismissed us,
0:20:43 no boundaries, we would get hit a lot.
0:20:46 He was very abusive, very verbally abusive,
0:20:47 leaving all the time.
0:20:50 And then my mother, instead of attuning to our needs
0:20:52 if my father hit us and we’re crying,
0:20:53 she would walk out of the room.
0:20:56 So as a child, I learned no one’s safe.
0:20:57 I have no one I can rely on.
0:20:59 There’s no object permanence.
0:21:02 So that’s what bred this, give me the validation.
0:21:04 Please, please, I need it, I need it.
0:21:06 That doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person in my adult life.
0:21:08 And on the flip side, my partner,
0:21:10 his father was very abusive growing up
0:21:11 and he learned emotions are not safe.
0:21:13 So he learned to shut them down.
0:21:16 Just shut up, don’t say anything and you won’t get hurt.
0:21:19 So as an adult, he really struggles to express himself
0:21:22 because he’d never had a safe space to do so.
0:21:23 When we look at people that are secure,
0:21:26 people that are secure still feel anxiety.
0:21:27 They still have avoidant tendencies.
0:21:30 They can still get overwhelmed and remove themselves.
0:21:33 The difference is people that are secure understand
0:21:35 that part of being in a relationship is co-creating.
0:21:37 I need to be vulnerable and hold space for you
0:21:39 and vice versa.
0:21:42 So the reality is I have gotten to earn secure.
0:21:44 We can get to an earned secure space
0:21:46 and that just means being okay with myself,
0:21:48 being comfortable in my body,
0:21:51 knowing my emotions, understanding where they come from
0:21:53 and being able to clearly express that with my partner
0:21:56 and not take it personally if my partner needs space.
0:21:58 We can all get to these levels,
0:22:00 but let’s say for the anxious person,
0:22:02 there’s a lot of beautiful qualities that they embody.
0:22:04 They’re very empathetic, they’re very sensitive,
0:22:07 they’re very in tune with other people’s emotions.
0:22:08 Could be good or bad, right?
0:22:11 And then same with the avoidant, they know how to process.
0:22:13 Maybe they know how to take some space.
0:22:14 They know how to be independent.
0:22:16 It’s when the pendulum swings
0:22:19 to where the codependency happens with the anxious person
0:22:22 and the hyper independence can happen with the avoidant.
0:22:24 And so we’re just trying to find a balance
0:22:27 between these personalities and this attachment,
0:22:29 but there’s nobody that’s good or bad.
0:22:31 It’s really just a bad, how can I come home to myself
0:22:32 and feel comfortable in my body
0:22:34 so that I can allow someone else to be a human
0:22:36 and show compassion to both of us.
0:22:40 – And when you say that you have an earned secure style,
0:22:42 does that mean that somebody has to earn that from you
0:22:44 or what do you mean by that?
0:22:46 – Meaning I earned it.
0:22:47 I had that anxious attachment.
0:22:51 Doing the work and becoming more secure is like earned secure,
0:22:53 meaning that I wasn’t just born with it, right?
0:22:54 I didn’t have great parents.
0:22:55 I didn’t have that home.
0:22:57 I didn’t have that family unit.
0:22:59 But as an adult, I did the work
0:23:02 to earn that secure title if you will.
0:23:03 And it’s just another way of saying,
0:23:05 you can change and evolve.
0:23:06 You can get to that level,
0:23:08 but I totally understand how that could be confusing.
0:23:10 Yeah, it’s not about your partner earning it.
0:23:13 It’s more just how we do the work for ourselves to show up.
0:23:15 – I recently did a listener survey
0:23:17 and I found out that a majority of my audience
0:23:19 has young kids, which makes sense.
0:23:23 We’ve got a lot of 30, 40 year olds listening to the show.
0:23:27 So talk to me about what we should be doing as parents.
0:23:29 – So when it comes to these attachment styles,
0:23:30 when it comes to that,
0:23:32 so there’s been a lot of studies done
0:23:34 and here’s the good and the bad news.
0:23:36 Where it really has formed is zero to one.
0:23:38 So you have a lot of opportunity
0:23:40 when you have a very young child
0:23:42 because it actually shows in order
0:23:44 to have a secure attachment,
0:23:46 your parent needs to make eye contact with you
0:23:47 30% of the time.
0:23:49 It’s really not that much.
0:23:50 But the way that this is learned,
0:23:52 let’s say for instance, okay, as a kid,
0:23:53 you have a kid, right?
0:23:55 And when you put the kid to bed,
0:23:57 he starts to scream and cry.
0:23:59 You don’t go into the room,
0:24:01 the child shuts down and learns,
0:24:01 what’s the point of yelling?
0:24:03 No one’s gonna come get me.
0:24:05 So they might be more anxious as they get older
0:24:08 because they have to scream to get anyone to look at them.
0:24:09 So if we think about it,
0:24:12 what that really means is understanding that as a parent,
0:24:14 and this is probably not a very fun topic
0:24:16 or a hot take here,
0:24:20 as a parent, your child is meant to inconvenience you.
0:24:21 That’s the point of having a child
0:24:23 is that they need to learn the lay of the land.
0:24:25 So for people that get upset,
0:24:27 like my baby doesn’t stop crying.
0:24:29 Yeah, that’s the point of having a child.
0:24:30 They need to learn the lay of the land.
0:24:32 They need to learn themselves.
0:24:34 It’s called egocentric age from zero to six.
0:24:36 Essentially what that means is from zero to six,
0:24:38 children will internalize everything
0:24:39 as it’s about themselves.
0:24:41 They have to be narcissistic.
0:24:43 That’s how they’re learning the world, right?
0:24:45 I do this, this happens to me.
0:24:48 So right now, if you have a child, wherever it is,
0:24:51 if you start to notice, wow, my kid shuts down,
0:24:54 then maybe that’s the time to create a safe space
0:24:55 to go to your kid and say,
0:24:57 hey, what feels uncomfortable
0:24:59 about expressing yourself to me, are you okay?
0:25:02 Just to be there for your kids so that they learn,
0:25:04 oh, it’s safe for me to express myself.
0:25:05 I’m not gonna get hurt.
0:25:08 Oh, or if your kid feels they get anxious
0:25:09 every time you leave the house,
0:25:11 it’s about asking, hey, what are you scared of happening?
0:25:13 Do you think I’m not gonna come home for you?
0:25:15 I need to let you know I love you and I’m here for you
0:25:16 and I’m not going to leave you.
0:25:19 And anytime you need me to reassure you, I will.
0:25:22 It’s those little things that, I’ll be honest,
0:25:23 I didn’t have that as a kid.
0:25:25 – It makes a lot of sense.
0:25:27 And it makes sense that you can nudge them
0:25:30 to go the other direction if you didn’t do a great job
0:25:31 from zero to one, because let’s face it,
0:25:34 a lot of people probably missed that and didn’t know.
0:25:36 And there’s so much information out there.
0:25:38 It’s hard to know what’s the right thing to do.
0:25:43 So I feel like a lot of my past relationships
0:25:46 have been repeats of my first relationship.
0:25:50 In high school, I had this crazy boyfriend
0:25:53 who was controlling and we’d fight a lot
0:25:57 and it was this really energetic relationship.
0:25:59 And then I found myself taking college
0:26:01 repeating the same relationship.
0:26:04 And then I had a really long 10 year relationship
0:26:05 that was basically a repeat
0:26:07 of that high school relationship, right?
0:26:09 So what are your thoughts around that
0:26:11 and having your first relationship
0:26:14 having an impact on your other relationships?
0:26:15 – Oh, it’s monumental, right?
0:26:17 And because we have to remember
0:26:19 that first relationship was just setting the stage
0:26:21 for how you were already feeling, right?
0:26:23 Because if you came from a household
0:26:26 with two really loving parents that were incredibly secure
0:26:28 that taught you that your self-esteem matters, right?
0:26:31 That you are amazing and you are allowed to set boundaries.
0:26:32 You’re allowed to say no.
0:26:34 Then that behavior, you would have been turned off
0:26:35 and gone, who the fuck are you?
0:26:37 I don’t need to deal with this.
0:26:40 So I look at that saying, okay, so we see a pattern, right?
0:26:41 Okay, there’s volatility.
0:26:43 Your nervous system feels safe
0:26:46 during high highs and low lows.
0:26:47 I have to earn the love and if I lose it,
0:26:48 I have to earn it back.
0:26:51 So what I would look at here is saying, okay,
0:26:54 if we look at how did you feel in your body, right?
0:26:56 Anxious and not uncertain and all that.
0:26:57 My next question would be,
0:26:59 who did that person remind you of from early childhood?
0:27:03 When do you remember feeling that in your dynamics?
0:27:05 So I always dated emotionally unavailable men
0:27:08 because it was, I’m always too much, I’m too needy.
0:27:10 Well, that’s because my father taught me that.
0:27:12 My father was very unavailable.
0:27:15 So I learned there’s something wrong with me, I’m too much.
0:27:18 So it’s a term called repetition compulsion.
0:27:19 It’s a Freudian term.
0:27:23 And it pretty much means that we are going to remimic
0:27:25 the same dynamics that we had growing up
0:27:26 in our adult relationships
0:27:29 because a part of our brain and our psyche believes,
0:27:33 if I can get this guy, then all of the pain goes away.
0:27:35 See, if I can prove to them that I’m not too much,
0:27:38 then I was wrong, my dad was wrong, everyone was wrong.
0:27:39 But what ends up happening?
0:27:41 It just reaffirms your core belief, right?
0:27:43 Because that person’s unavailable.
0:27:45 That person’s not healthy, they’re toxic, right?
0:27:46 They’re familiar.
0:27:49 And so what we have to look at is it’s not conscious.
0:27:51 This doesn’t mean that you’re doing this
0:27:52 in your waking life, walking around.
0:27:54 But what we have to look at is and say,
0:27:55 what feels familiar?
0:27:57 Like I’d be curious, Hala, if you care,
0:27:58 if you want to be.
0:27:59 Oh yeah, 100%.
0:28:00 As you’re saying that, I’m like, oh,
0:28:03 it’s because my parents were strict Arabic parents
0:28:04 that controlled me when I was younger.
0:28:05 You know what I’m saying?
0:28:07 So they would always try to control me.
0:28:08 You can’t do this, you can’t do that.
0:28:10 You can’t go to camp, you can’t do this.
0:28:12 And so then I was, okay, you’re telling me
0:28:15 I can’t go to the gym or I can’t wear leggings?
0:28:17 No problem, I’m used to being controlled, you know?
0:28:20 So that’s it, exactly.
0:28:21 And then we see that.
0:28:23 And so what we hear there is, oh my God,
0:28:24 I have so much compassion.
0:28:27 I have so much empathy for that little Hala
0:28:30 that sees this as, oh my God, but I’m scared, that’s dad.
0:28:31 I don’t want to lose this.
0:28:33 And then what the work starts to lie in
0:28:36 is to re-parent that version of, no,
0:28:38 you’re allowed to say no, you’re allowed to wear leggings,
0:28:40 you’re allowed to be the version of yourself
0:28:42 just because that wasn’t accepted as a kid
0:28:45 doesn’t mean that now as an adult, it won’t be accepted.
0:28:48 But that starts with us accepting that, right?
0:28:50 How am I gonna not feel too much in my partner
0:28:53 if I genuinely still believe I’m too much?
0:28:55 – In terms of who’s attracted to who
0:28:58 with these attachment styles, is it opposites attract?
0:29:00 Can secure people only like secure people?
0:29:01 How does it work?
0:29:04 – Oftentimes what we see is, oh, secure people
0:29:08 can date any attachment style and it depends on the severity.
0:29:10 So we look at attachment styles like a spectrum, right?
0:29:11 And so there’s that severe.
0:29:15 There are people that are so emotionally unavailable
0:29:17 and what that actually means and people misconstrue.
0:29:20 They think only avoidant people are emotionally unavailable.
0:29:22 Anxious folks are emotionally unavailable as well
0:29:24 because the anxious person is only focused on
0:29:25 why are you doing this?
0:29:27 Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?
0:29:28 Why don’t you like me?
0:29:30 Everything is external.
0:29:32 So what that means is you’re self-abandoning.
0:29:33 You’re not actually in touch with,
0:29:35 hey, this doesn’t make me feel good.
0:29:37 I don’t like how I’m feeling.
0:29:39 Then we see the avoidant person,
0:29:40 they are emotionally unavailable.
0:29:41 I don’t wanna deal with this.
0:29:42 Nope, nope, emotions are too heavy.
0:29:44 This is too much, I relieve.
0:29:47 So somebody who’s secure could absolutely date somebody
0:29:50 with a bit of an avoidant or anxious attachment style
0:29:53 because they understand, hey, let me create a safe space.
0:29:55 That person does the work privately
0:29:57 and they’re able to have a beautiful relationship.
0:29:59 Two anxious people don’t normally work
0:30:02 because you have to remember going after someone anxious,
0:30:03 if I come to you and say, oh my God,
0:30:06 I really like you, my core belief is
0:30:07 there’s something wrong with me, I’m not good enough.
0:30:09 So I look at this going, no, this is too easy.
0:30:11 This is boring, I don’t want this, you like me.
0:30:13 There’s no chase.
0:30:16 And then two avoidants, nobody contacts each other.
0:30:19 They’re both so in their own world.
0:30:22 So really where we see the number one draw
0:30:24 is the anxious avoidant trap, right?
0:30:25 When the anxious and avoidant meet,
0:30:29 the anxious person is gregarious, big, outward, right?
0:30:31 They held so much space,
0:30:32 they’re in touch with their emotions on paper
0:30:34 and the avoidant person looks and says, oh my God,
0:30:37 that’s so hot, look how open and loving they are,
0:30:38 look how warm they are.
0:30:41 Then the anxious person sees the avoidant as,
0:30:43 oh my God, they’re so chill, look, they don’t have me,
0:30:46 oh, they’re so independent, that’s so sexy,
0:30:48 I love that about them.
0:30:50 But then as we start to see them, they get triggered,
0:30:52 the anxious person wants more, no, no, come closer.
0:30:54 The avoidant person starts to remove themselves
0:30:56 and say, no, this is too much.
0:30:58 And then we start to see this trap ensue.
0:30:59 They both need each other.
0:31:01 It’s a very codependent relationship
0:31:02 because the anxious and the avoidant
0:31:05 both need each other for this dynamic to play out.
0:31:06 Whereas somebody secure,
0:31:08 if you have someone that’s highly anxious
0:31:09 and you set a boundary,
0:31:11 they’re not gonna keep dating that person
0:31:12 if they disrespect the boundary.
0:31:14 So if I’m super secure
0:31:16 and I’m dating somebody highly anxious
0:31:17 that doesn’t respect my boundaries,
0:31:20 text me 24/7, freaks out if I don’t text them
0:31:23 back in two seconds, demands that I see them 24/7,
0:31:25 the secure person’s gonna say, no, thank you.
0:31:27 That doesn’t work for me and they’ll walk away.
0:31:30 The anxious person, it’s continuing on this trap
0:31:32 of you’re too much, you’re too needy.
0:31:33 They get to remove themselves.
0:31:35 But they know, wait, but I need you to come back.
0:31:36 I want you.
0:31:38 The anxious person removes themselves
0:31:40 and then the avoidant comes closer.
0:31:42 And it’s just this cycle that repeats itself
0:31:45 until somebody says, I’m fucking done.
0:31:46 – Let’s hold that thought
0:31:49 and take a quick break with our sponsors.
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0:36:17 (bell dings)
0:36:24 – Let’s move on to the state of modern dating.
0:36:26 I think the answer is obvious that it’s online,
0:36:30 but how has the way that people meet changed over time?
0:36:32 And what are your thoughts about that?
0:36:33 – Great topic.
0:36:36 So I just recently saw a study done for 2024
0:36:39 that 71% of couples, I think it was 68 or 71,
0:36:43 I can’t remember exact, but anywhere between 68 to 71,
0:36:44 majority meet online.
0:36:46 And it was like a poll and they showed over the years
0:36:49 from the 50s to now how it changed, right?
0:36:51 How everything drastically changed.
0:36:55 So knowing 68 to 71% of people are meeting online,
0:36:57 that’s a huge statistic to look at.
0:36:59 But you know what also is on the rise,
0:37:04 48% increase on event bright for singles events.
0:37:07 So what we’re seeing is, yes, people are still meeting online,
0:37:10 but now we’re getting into a time where people are looking
0:37:11 for human interaction again.
0:37:14 They’re searching for it, they’re hungry for it.
0:37:16 Girl, I can’t tell you in LA how many events I’ve gone to,
0:37:18 where it’s like, it’s a singles night,
0:37:21 it’s a dating event of meeting in person.
0:37:24 We have to look at this as with every pro, there comes a con.
0:37:27 I am so tired of hearing online dating ruined everything.
0:37:29 Well, that’s like saying the internet ruined everything.
0:37:32 No, the internet brought a lot of beauty,
0:37:35 but it also brought a lot of chaos with good comes bad.
0:37:38 And I think what I see is our phones
0:37:39 are little drug machines, right?
0:37:41 It’s a dopamine reward system.
0:37:42 And for anyone who’s not familiar,
0:37:44 dopamine comes in anticipation of.
0:37:47 So our cortisol will spike in stress,
0:37:49 and then our dopamine gets depleted
0:37:52 because the brain needs it for the cortisol that’s happening.
0:37:55 So we’re constantly seeking more, more, more.
0:37:56 It’s a slot machine.
0:37:57 So it’s the same effects that happen
0:37:59 when you walk into a casino.
0:38:02 So what I look at is, I met my partner on hinge.
0:38:04 So who am I to say that dating apps are the enemy?
0:38:06 I’ve had great success on that aspect,
0:38:10 but I’ve also met a ton of terrible people on there.
0:38:11 I think what we have to look at is,
0:38:13 what are the reasons that people don’t want
0:38:14 to try dating online?
0:38:16 What I hear normally, I’m curious what you hear
0:38:18 in your community is, I hate this,
0:38:20 it makes me uncomfortable, I don’t like it.
0:38:23 And my response to them is, then do it.
0:38:24 Because stop trying to avoid things
0:38:25 that make us uncomfortable.
0:38:28 It’s okay that you don’t like how you feel,
0:38:29 but then we have to look and say,
0:38:31 is that because I have expectations on this?
0:38:34 Am I putting way too high of an expectation on a dating app?
0:38:36 It is my life revolving around
0:38:38 if someone chooses me off this app.
0:38:41 It’s just another modality of meeting people
0:38:42 because here’s the other side of the coin.
0:38:45 Okay, fine, you want to meet someone in person, right?
0:38:46 So are you cool with rejection?
0:38:49 Are you cool with someone saying to your face, no thank you?
0:38:50 Are you cool with a girl saying,
0:38:52 I have a boyfriend and walking off?
0:38:54 Are you going to go up and talk to people?
0:38:56 And if your answer is no,
0:38:58 well then the apps are there to help you.
0:39:00 So that’s why I think there is a positive
0:39:02 and negative with every regard.
0:39:05 I see it as you need to be a better buyer.
0:39:07 I’m not gonna blame the apps because they’re shitty people.
0:39:09 That’s not the apps fault that I went on a date
0:39:11 with someone that’s not great
0:39:13 because I didn’t vet this person enough.
0:39:14 So we can only blame the apps.
0:39:17 Of course, listen, are they there to make money?
0:39:20 The casino always wins, but that’s also me.
0:39:21 I do have agency and control
0:39:25 on how I interact with this piece of technology.
0:39:27 – Okay, I want to go deep on this.
0:39:29 I’m in this game right now, you know?
0:39:30 I’m in the game.
0:39:34 So I was with somebody for 10 years
0:39:37 and I missed the whole online dating thing.
0:39:40 And so when I got into online dating,
0:39:42 I didn’t even know how to swipe right, left.
0:39:44 I didn’t know what I was doing.
0:39:47 And at first it was really exciting
0:39:50 and now it’s become like I’m burnt out from it.
0:39:52 So like my experience when I first started
0:39:54 versus being on the apps for a while
0:39:57 has changed very drastically.
0:39:59 Right now, when I go on the apps,
0:40:01 sometimes I feel like it’s so vain.
0:40:03 I’m like, oh, this guy’s not smiling.
0:40:05 His teeth are probably busted.
0:40:08 Next, you know, oh, this guy is five nine.
0:40:11 I can only do five 10 and higher next, you know?
0:40:13 And so I’m just so ruthless.
0:40:16 And I feel like in person, if somebody five nine
0:40:19 came up to me and he was cute and great and successful,
0:40:20 I’d give him a chance.
0:40:21 But because it’s the app, I’m like,
0:40:24 oh, you know, I’d rather have five 10, right?
0:40:25 So talk to us about that.
0:40:29 How can we get out of this vanity cycle
0:40:33 that we’re in on the apps where it’s just a looks contest
0:40:36 and checking all these criteria that really don’t matter?
0:40:37 – Oh, okay.
0:40:38 I’m five eight, so I’m a heightest.
0:40:40 I’m the same, my partner’s six five.
0:40:41 So to me, I’m like,
0:40:44 I think we’re allowed to have some aspects of,
0:40:45 like my partner, he says, he’s like,
0:40:46 I can’t date a girl shorter than five eight
0:40:48 because he’s like, and then it feels very uncomfortable.
0:40:50 My back hurts, I feel like it’s my child.
0:40:52 I don’t really like that.
0:40:55 So I think there is a level of like an 80/20 rule.
0:40:56 What’s the 80% that you need?
0:40:58 So if you’re saying, hey, height is really important.
0:40:59 I’m five eight, I wear heels all the time.
0:41:02 I don’t like my partner being shorter.
0:41:03 You’re allowed to have a need.
0:41:04 You’re allowed to say that’s something
0:41:06 that’s important to me.
0:41:07 But that’s where we have to look and like you,
0:41:10 to your point, am I being so rigid?
0:41:12 And so everything’s giving me an ick
0:41:14 that I’m almost pushing people away, right?
0:41:17 And so what I would look at is,
0:41:20 what I personally did was I needed to find
0:41:22 whether I was gonna say no to someone
0:41:24 or yes to someone, two to three reasons
0:41:25 as to why I would say yes or no.
0:41:28 So if I’m swiping left, if I’m looking and going,
0:41:29 I don’t like their height.
0:41:31 But if that’s it, I’ll go,
0:41:32 okay, that’s not enough of a reason.
0:41:34 Fine, I’ll give this person a try.
0:41:36 But if I say, oh, vice versa.
0:41:38 Ooh, I wanna match with this person.
0:41:39 They’re six, four.
0:41:41 Is there any other reason I wanna match with them?
0:41:43 No, their prompts are stupid.
0:41:44 Other photos look really lame.
0:41:46 Okay, so then what am I matching with this person for?
0:41:49 And I think what it comes to is that self-awareness
0:41:52 of what is it that’s a non-negotiable for me, right?
0:41:53 You’re allowed, fine, you wanna have height
0:41:55 as a non-negotiable, I’ll give it to you.
0:41:57 You wanna have hair color, right?
0:41:58 You’re allowed to have things
0:42:00 that make you feel turned on by somebody.
0:42:03 But we wanna look at and say, am I super rigid?
0:42:05 Is there no flexibility on this?
0:42:08 I’ve dated guys that are five, eight, and they’re fantastic.
0:42:10 There were other reasons it didn’t work out.
0:42:12 And so I think when it comes to apps,
0:42:14 it’s natural that it’s going to be.
0:42:16 The average person makes their decision
0:42:19 within four seconds of an app.
0:42:20 You have all but seconds to decide
0:42:21 if you wanna see somebody.
0:42:24 But I’d argue to say similar in person, right?
0:42:27 I’ve dated in New York where I’d go to a bar.
0:42:29 If I look and go, oh, I’m not attracted.
0:42:29 I walk off.
0:42:31 If this guy tries to talk to me, no, thank you.
0:42:33 I don’t want it.
0:42:35 So I think there is an element of reality
0:42:37 that yes, of course, are there vibe checks?
0:42:38 Like my partner’s not my type.
0:42:40 Not that he’s not attractive.
0:42:42 He’s just not the same guy I always went for.
0:42:44 That’s why I chose him because I said,
0:42:45 oh, what am I saying no to?
0:42:47 I said, oh, just because he’s not my type,
0:42:48 that’s not enough of a reason for me
0:42:49 to say no to this person.
0:42:51 So I matched with him.
0:42:51 And like, here’s the thing.
0:42:54 If you’re unsure, do a FaceTime vibe check, right?
0:42:56 If you’re like, oh, he’s a little short,
0:42:58 but maybe he has a great personality.
0:43:00 I’ll do a FaceTime with him before I go out with him.
0:43:02 You can bucketize people into,
0:43:04 I’ll do FaceTimes with these people,
0:43:06 but I’ll go out with these people.
0:43:07 What we want to look at is,
0:43:09 am I saying no to people because I’m being rigid
0:43:11 or am I saying no to people
0:43:12 because they genuinely don’t align
0:43:15 with what it is that I feel like I want or need?
0:43:17 – I think that makes a lot of sense.
0:43:19 But I think I’m in a different situation.
0:43:21 I’m only five foot, right?
0:43:22 And I…
0:43:24 (laughing)
0:43:26 But all the past guys that I’ve dated
0:43:29 are six, three, six foot over six foot tall.
0:43:32 And so I feel like it’s actually ridiculous
0:43:35 for me to have some sort of height requirement.
0:43:38 So in general, I guess, does that just mean I’m too picky?
0:43:40 Like, what are your thoughts about that?
0:43:42 – What I would say is we would also start
0:43:43 with a little bit of compassion of,
0:43:46 there’s nothing wrong with me that I like these tall men,
0:43:48 but I would be curious then to ask you,
0:43:50 what does their height represent to you?
0:43:53 Is it that you feel safe and secure with somebody?
0:43:54 This is creepy, but is your dad tall?
0:43:56 Like my dad, six, three.
0:43:58 So I always thought that a bigger man
0:44:00 was something I felt more attracted to.
0:44:02 What does the height represent, right?
0:44:04 Is it security, safety?
0:44:05 We have to look at that as,
0:44:07 what am I putting on the height as,
0:44:09 what does that mean to me?
0:44:10 For me personally, it’s because I wear heels.
0:44:13 I don’t wanna be shorter than my partner all the time.
0:44:14 And it made me feel better knowing
0:44:16 that I have a bigger person than me.
0:44:19 That was more attractive to me personally.
0:44:19 But that’s a me thing.
0:44:22 So I’m curious, Hala, for you, when you hear that.
0:44:24 – I mean, my dad wasn’t really tall.
0:44:26 I think it has to do with my first boyfriends.
0:44:27 We’re all very tall.
0:44:29 I’m just used to it.
0:44:31 And I sort of have like Napoleon syndrome
0:44:34 where with heels I’m five, four, five, five,
0:44:36 but I’m a very outgoing person.
0:44:38 I feel five, nine, five, 10.
0:44:39 And when I’m with somebody,
0:44:41 even my girlfriends that are tall,
0:44:43 I feel just as tall as them.
0:44:44 Like I don’t feel shorter than them.
0:44:46 So I think it’s just a little bit
0:44:48 of Napoleon syndrome going on.
0:44:49 – Here’s the thing.
0:44:51 The beauty of the awareness that you have.
0:44:52 Okay, that’s something that I do.
0:44:54 That way, when you’re on the apps,
0:44:55 if you’re gonna say, notice someone and you’re like,
0:44:58 wait, Hala, you’re only doing this ’cause he’s short.
0:44:59 He’s really attractive, he’s cool.
0:45:01 I like a lot about him.
0:45:03 That is how you can start to make different choices
0:45:05 for yourself and say, okay,
0:45:07 me chasing the guys that are above six feet
0:45:08 hasn’t gone anywhere.
0:45:09 Let me give this a try.
0:45:11 If it works cool and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.
0:45:14 That’s that flexibility that we start to incorporate of,
0:45:16 I’m allowed to say I want someone taller than me,
0:45:19 but since I’m five feet, most people are going to be.
0:45:21 That’s, I think, where we can start to look and say,
0:45:22 great, let me try a new experience.
0:45:24 Let’s try matching with someone that’s five, nine
0:45:26 and see how you feel when you go out with them.
0:45:27 Is it their height that bothers you
0:45:29 or are there 40 other things about them you don’t like?
0:45:31 – What do you think about writing a list
0:45:33 about everything that you want in a person
0:45:35 and ranking people based on that?
0:45:38 ‘Cause that’s something that I’ve done as I’ve been dating.
0:45:40 – Not a fan of lists because then that’s rigidity.
0:45:43 What I would suggest, ’cause a lot of people,
0:45:44 my brother’s whole thing has always been
0:45:45 burn your fucking checklist.
0:45:47 He’s like, it’s not getting you anywhere.
0:45:50 What I would suggest is focus on how do I wanna feel
0:45:51 when I’m with this person?
0:45:54 For instance, I wanna feel seen, heard and understood.
0:45:55 What’s that gonna mean, right?
0:45:56 If I wanna feel that with someone,
0:45:57 wow, that feels so secure.
0:46:00 So what I’m looking for is someone that’s compassionate
0:46:02 because for me to feel seen, heard and understood,
0:46:03 I need compassionate empathy.
0:46:06 I need someone that loves access service.
0:46:07 So that’s what I would look at is how I wanna feel
0:46:09 because you could meet someone and go,
0:46:10 they check all my boxes, right?
0:46:12 They’re tall, they’re successful, they’re fun.
0:46:15 They do all of these things, but yet I’m not feeling it.
0:46:16 Well, it could be I’m not feeling it
0:46:18 ’cause I’m so used to dysfunction, right?
0:46:21 I am that when I meet someone that’s secure,
0:46:22 oh, it feels off.
0:46:23 So they check all the boxes,
0:46:26 but I wanna look at how do I wanna feel with this person?
0:46:27 ‘Cause you could meet someone
0:46:28 that doesn’t check those boxes and go,
0:46:31 holy shit, I feel amazing with this person.
0:46:33 That’s what I wanna look at and focus on is,
0:46:35 I wanna feel reciprocated.
0:46:36 I wanna feel consistency.
0:46:40 I wanna feel that this person prioritizes me
0:46:40 in their life, right?
0:46:42 Or that dating is a priority.
0:46:45 That I think is something more concrete
0:46:47 versus I want all of these boxes
0:46:49 that maybe somebody doesn’t have them,
0:46:51 doesn’t mean they’re not still a great match for you.
0:46:54 As I’ve been dating, I’ve got a big company,
0:46:56 I have 60 employees.
0:47:00 It’s so much time to like go through all these matches,
0:47:02 to have all these conversations,
0:47:05 to then go on a first date and maybe a second date.
0:47:08 How do we prioritize our time better?
0:47:10 How do you suggest that we manage
0:47:11 going through our matches?
0:47:15 How do you suggest that we spend time getting to know people
0:47:17 and just making sure that we’re not wasting our time?
0:47:18 Because sometimes I’m on a first date
0:47:20 and in the first 20 minutes,
0:47:21 I’m like, why the hell did I do this?
0:47:23 Like I knew in my gut,
0:47:25 I shouldn’t have come on this date and I regret it.
0:47:27 So talk to us about that.
0:47:27 – Well, that right there,
0:47:29 what you just said is beautiful, my God, right?
0:47:32 It’s listening to that softer voice.
0:47:34 So for me, when I was running software,
0:47:36 I was running a million dollar business alone.
0:47:39 So as you can imagine, I was swamped, right?
0:47:42 What I would do personally is I had
0:47:44 very strict boundaries around my time.
0:47:47 Okay, I allow myself once a week to go out on a date, right?
0:47:49 Or once or twice a week, I have a couple of times
0:47:51 because the point is dating is an addition to your life,
0:47:52 it’s not instead of.
0:47:54 So we do need to open up space.
0:47:56 It can’t be every week where you’re like,
0:47:57 well, I have my girlfriends on Monday,
0:47:58 I have a work meeting Tuesday, Wednesdays,
0:48:00 my bingo night, sorry, I don’t have time.
0:48:02 It’s like, you don’t have time to date, right?
0:48:04 We have to be open and receptive to that.
0:48:06 But at that same token,
0:48:09 we have to also be cognizant of just that.
0:48:10 What is my gut telling me?
0:48:12 What is my reasoning for going out with this person?
0:48:14 If you’re saying, listen, I haven’t gone out on a date,
0:48:17 I just want to get dressed up and go out and go have fun.
0:48:19 But for you, I would say because you’re so swamped,
0:48:22 coffee dates, coffee dates are huge for me.
0:48:24 I love a coffee date because what you could say is,
0:48:26 hey, I’m about to go run an errand.
0:48:27 Why don’t you come meet me for 25 minutes?
0:48:28 Let’s see if we have something here.
0:48:30 If we do, then we could go to dinner, right?
0:48:33 That’s you respecting your time and boundaries
0:48:36 and saying, I just want to do a quick vibe check,
0:48:37 FaceTime vibe check, right?
0:48:38 Let’s have a conversation on FaceTime.
0:48:40 Wow, you’re funny, okay, cool.
0:48:43 I’d like to meet you versus, oh, no, thank you.
0:48:46 I’m not into this because at the end of the day,
0:48:47 you set the boundaries, right?
0:48:50 You prioritize how often you spend on work.
0:48:52 You prioritize how your friendships are.
0:48:53 It’s just another priority.
0:48:55 And if you’re telling me, well, I don’t prioritize that,
0:48:56 it’s like, well, then there you go.
0:48:59 You’re not ready for a relationship, it’s okay.
0:49:02 – Now, I feel like coffee dates aren’t sexy.
0:49:04 I feel like it’s just not sexy.
0:49:06 And I just feel like I don’t think that’s a great way
0:49:10 to kick off a romantic relationship.
0:49:11 – Which is fine.
0:49:12 Listen, you’re allowed to believe anything you want.
0:49:14 I will never try to dissuade you.
0:49:16 But what I would say is then you’re chasing a feeling.
0:49:18 You want, I wanted to feel sexy.
0:49:19 I wanted to feel this.
0:49:21 But the reality is that is gonna fade.
0:49:23 That’s not gonna last forever.
0:49:25 So what we wanna see is if I just show up
0:49:27 in a workout outfit, looking like this,
0:49:30 and you and I have a great fucking conversation over coffee,
0:49:33 that is more important than I got all dressed up.
0:49:34 He took me to this amazing dinner,
0:49:36 but then I never heard from him again
0:49:38 because it’s performative, right?
0:49:39 And so that’s why I would say,
0:49:41 do what feels comfortable for you,
0:49:43 but for me personally, that was me respecting my time.
0:49:44 Hey, I’m gonna go walk the dog.
0:49:45 Why don’t you join me?
0:49:48 Because if I can’t just go on a walk with you
0:49:49 and have a good conversation,
0:49:51 then what relationship are you and I gonna build?
0:49:54 Because if I’m focused on, well, I wanna feel the spark
0:49:56 and I wanna feel this excitement,
0:49:57 that’s the first thing that’s gonna go.
0:49:59 And then all of a sudden, we wonder why people go,
0:50:01 but in my relationship, I’m bored.
0:50:03 Which, how I say this with love,
0:50:05 but given what you shared about earlier,
0:50:07 that high and low, that’s I think why,
0:50:09 is ’cause you wanna feel that excitement
0:50:10 so that it’ll keep going,
0:50:12 but then you notice how eventually it’s gonna come down.
0:50:14 And so we wanna find a baseline,
0:50:17 something that feels just common secure.
0:50:18 The reason I bring up coffee dates
0:50:19 is because of the timing thing.
0:50:21 If you were like, oh, I’m not running a business,
0:50:23 I got plenty of time, I got all these nights,
0:50:24 I could go out to dinner.
0:50:25 Great, do what feels comfortable.
0:50:28 But then we hear the, well, I got ready
0:50:29 and I did my makeup and my hair
0:50:31 and this person never called me back.
0:50:33 It’s like because no one owes you anything.
0:50:36 And so that’s me respecting my time and my boundaries,
0:50:37 saying you don’t owe me anything
0:50:38 and I don’t owe you anything.
0:50:40 Let’s meet at Aero On for 30 minutes.
0:50:41 Let’s have a quick jive.
0:50:42 If we get it, great.
0:50:44 I’d love to go to dinner with you and if not,
0:50:46 that’s cool too, have a good day.
0:50:49 So I made up a rule for myself because I’m really busy
0:50:52 and I found myself going on like four dates in a week
0:50:55 and it just felt really not great
0:50:56 and I was getting burnt out.
0:50:59 And so I was like, okay, I have a new rule.
0:51:03 First dates, I’ll only do on Fridays or Saturdays,
0:51:06 which means that they have to wanna go out on a Friday
0:51:08 and Saturday and reserve those days for me
0:51:09 and same with me.
0:51:12 And it helps me process whether I actually really wanna go
0:51:13 on this first date or not,
0:51:15 that I’m willing to give up a Friday or a Saturday.
0:51:17 And then second, third dates can be during the week
0:51:19 and more casual and stuff like that.
0:51:22 Do you feel like that’s a good idea?
0:51:24 – I think if that helps you feel
0:51:27 like you can manage your schedule, sure.
0:51:28 I think there’s also an element of reality.
0:51:30 I’m sure that you’re not so rigid
0:51:31 that if you met someone that you really liked
0:51:33 and they’re like, hey, I’m so sorry, I can’t do Friday,
0:51:34 could you do Thursday?
0:51:37 You’re like, okay, fine, I can make an exception, right?
0:51:39 Like, especially if there’s somebody really great.
0:51:42 That’s, I think it is really just about feeling
0:51:43 in control of your dating life.
0:51:44 And that’s okay.
0:51:45 If you’re like, hey, I do my first dates
0:51:46 on a Friday or Saturday that way,
0:51:47 I don’t have to worry about work.
0:51:50 Absolutely, that’s a boundary that you’re setting.
0:51:51 The other alternative could be,
0:51:55 I also leave a Tuesday at six o’clock just for me
0:51:56 because I don’t do late nights.
0:51:59 For me, like, I’m up at five a.m. every morning.
0:52:01 I can’t be out, I don’t drink alcohol.
0:52:03 I don’t wanna do that whole thing.
0:52:05 So I am gonna do an earlier date,
0:52:07 but it’s a really great way to see because here’s the beauty
0:52:09 about what I like about what you’re doing
0:52:11 is you’re setting a boundary saying,
0:52:12 hey, I can only go out Friday.
0:52:13 Somebody that respects you will say,
0:52:14 cool, let me make it happen.
0:52:17 Or, hey, Hala, I’m so sorry, can I do Thursday, right?
0:52:18 You can have a conversation.
0:52:21 Versus, if you say that and they’re like, wow,
0:52:24 hi, maintenance, no, thank you, goodbye, right?
0:52:27 You get to see when I scratch the surface a little bit
0:52:30 and I say no to you, how does that person show up?
0:52:32 So something else you alluded to
0:52:35 was not really paying so much attention to the spark.
0:52:37 A lot of people, they’re like, okay,
0:52:41 I need to feel a spark or this is not really it.
0:52:43 And I’m definitely one of those people.
0:52:46 I feel like all my relationships, it’s either like we meet
0:52:48 and then we’re like together for years,
0:52:52 but after the first date, you know, or it’s like we meet,
0:52:54 I don’t feel a spark and I’m out.
0:52:56 So talk to me about sparks
0:52:58 and how we should think about them.
0:53:00 – Totally, okay, so my question back would be,
0:53:01 and how has that worked?
0:53:02 – Yeah, not great.
0:53:06 – So scientifically, right?
0:53:07 This isn’t me just making shit up.
0:53:08 This is an actual study.
0:53:10 If you Google anybody that wants to Google
0:53:11 the spark by Harvard, that’s it.
0:53:13 It had come up to the 2015.
0:53:17 One friend, Scott, he is a doctor, like a psychologist,
0:53:18 and he calls them the trauma tangles
0:53:21 because scientifically what they’ve seen is the spark
0:53:24 is just your nervous system giving blood to your,
0:53:27 I call them the phalanges, but to your hands and your feet
0:53:28 so that you could run.
0:53:30 Because there’s something that your body is recognizing
0:53:32 that feels familiar.
0:53:34 So you felt the spark with these guys and you look back
0:53:36 and you’re like, yeah, they were all abusive
0:53:38 or whatever, not abusive but controlling
0:53:41 or this or that, right, whatever, insert this word
0:53:43 because what ends up happening is, let me ask you this,
0:53:44 the spark, right, you feel that.
0:53:46 If you weren’t attracted to that person,
0:53:48 you’d probably be like, I need to get out of here.
0:53:50 Something feels off, I feel this intensity,
0:53:52 I’m dysregulated, I don’t feel safe here.
0:53:55 The problem is we see someone attractive and go,
0:53:57 oh my God, it’s a sign.
0:53:59 What we wanna look at is we want your nervous system
0:54:01 to feel regulated.
0:54:03 We want your nervous system to feel safe with this person
0:54:05 and that means that the spark isn’t gonna be present.
0:54:07 That doesn’t mean you can’t have attraction.
0:54:09 When I first met my partner, I felt nothing,
0:54:11 no spark, nothing.
0:54:12 And I just thought he’s a nice guy,
0:54:14 I’ll keep getting to know him and we went on a hike.
0:54:15 We went for like three hours
0:54:16 and it was like this beautiful hike
0:54:17 of this neighborhood, whatever, whatever.
0:54:18 And then after he said, listen,
0:54:20 I’d love to take you to dinner.
0:54:22 If you’re open to it, if not totally understand,
0:54:23 we could part ways.
0:54:25 And I said, you know what, let me give him a try.
0:54:27 He didn’t do anything wrong, he’s adorable.
0:54:28 I’m just not feeling it.
0:54:29 And sure enough, we went back to his house
0:54:30 to drop off the dog.
0:54:32 We both got changed and we walked out.
0:54:35 I was like, oh, he’s way cuter than I thought he was.
0:54:39 And he came and kissed me and all of a sudden I felt it.
0:54:41 I was like, oh, I like this.
0:54:45 And we ended up hooking up and fast forward, here we are.
0:54:46 We went to dinner after,
0:54:48 I never have felt the spark with him
0:54:50 because my nervous system has always felt very safe with him
0:54:52 because he’s not inconsistent.
0:54:54 He’s not doing any of those things.
0:54:58 He’s being very upfront, consistent, safe, reciprocal.
0:55:00 He communicates and that’s different for me.
0:55:03 And the thing is the spark often is familiarity.
0:55:05 Notice how you went after all these men
0:55:06 and what did you say earlier?
0:55:07 They reminded me of my dad
0:55:09 because that’s what the spark leads us to
0:55:11 is that people that feel familiar
0:55:14 that are often end up usually hurting us
0:55:15 because we’re chasing a feeling
0:55:18 and when that feeling fades, what do you have left?
0:55:21 – We’ll be right back after a quick break from our sponsors.
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0:57:01 I wanna talk about trends for a bit
0:57:06 and ghosting is something that’s really interesting.
0:57:07 Something that happens a lot.
0:57:09 And I think it’s really the advent of online dating
0:57:13 because when I first got into online dating,
0:57:15 I didn’t understand the ghosting thing.
0:57:16 You know, I’d message somebody,
0:57:19 they wouldn’t message me back, not very often,
0:57:20 but I’d be like, this is so weird.
0:57:21 Why are people like this?
0:57:24 And then now I do the same thing.
0:57:25 I do it all the time.
0:57:27 I’m ghosting everyone all the time.
0:57:31 So talk to us about why you think ghosting is a thing
0:57:34 and do you feel it is wrong to ghost people
0:57:35 even in the early stages?
0:57:37 I just did a video recently of like,
0:57:39 instead of ghosting, say this, one mega viral,
0:57:43 like 11 million, I got thousands of comments polarizing.
0:57:46 One being like, yes, thank you, this is it, maturity.
0:57:47 Yes, please be honest.
0:57:49 And then the other side of the internet,
0:57:51 I’d rather get ghosted, ghosting’s easier.
0:57:53 I don’t owe anybody anything, right?
0:57:55 So we look at the emotional maturity,
0:57:58 but off the bat, let’s talk about what ghosting is.
0:58:01 By definition, ghosting means an abrupt ending
0:58:03 in a relationship.
0:58:04 That’s the key word here.
0:58:07 So that means we have to build some kind of rapport.
0:58:09 To me, the, I haven’t answered on an app,
0:58:10 that’s not ghosting to me.
0:58:12 You don’t know who this person is.
0:58:13 You have never met this person.
0:58:15 You don’t owe these people anything.
0:58:17 And that to me means expectations, right?
0:58:19 If I say, well, what the hell?
0:58:20 This person ghosted me on an app.
0:58:22 It’s like, why are you expecting some stranger
0:58:25 on the internet to owe you anything?
0:58:27 They might not even be real, right?
0:58:29 Catfishing is so huge.
0:58:30 They’re bots, right?
0:58:33 And also there’s a reality that I don’t know who you are.
0:58:35 I’ve talked to you for a day.
0:58:36 I don’t owe you anything.
0:58:37 Maybe you said something that was a huge turnoff
0:58:40 and I was just like, I’m good, I’m out, right?
0:58:42 And so then what I see, the people that are like,
0:58:44 I can’t believe they ghosted and they messaged 1,000 times.
0:58:47 It’s like, that’s probably why this person said, no, thank you.
0:58:48 I’m kind of the same.
0:58:49 Listen, let’s say you have a first date.
0:58:51 No one texts each other after.
0:58:52 That’s not ghosting.
0:58:53 No one said anything.
0:58:55 You move on with your life.
0:58:56 You don’t owe anyone anything.
0:58:59 To me, where the ghosting starts to play in is,
0:59:01 you’ve spent time with this person, right?
0:59:02 You’ve spent time with this person
0:59:05 and they’re texting you like, hey, I’d love to see you again.
0:59:06 You just never hear back.
0:59:09 You could have just said that you’re not interested, right?
0:59:11 But I think you have to have a rapport that’s built
0:59:14 before you can say this person ghosted me.
0:59:16 Because we have to remember too, ghosting,
0:59:18 what does it do to our psyche?
0:59:19 If I’m saying everyone ghosts me,
0:59:21 that means I’m not going to trust people.
0:59:23 I’m going to start to feel, oh, I don’t believe, right?
0:59:26 Then I have a different energy versus they didn’t answer.
0:59:28 Oh, well, thanks for doing me the favor.
0:59:30 I didn’t waste any more of my time.
0:59:33 And so for those of us who have been dating
0:59:35 and feel burnt out from it all,
0:59:37 what advice do you have for us?
0:59:39 What should we be doing in terms of our mindset
0:59:43 or our thoughts to try to get out of being burnt out?
0:59:44 Couple of things.
0:59:46 One, take a break.
0:59:47 You have every right to say,
0:59:48 ugh, I don’t want to date right now.
0:59:49 I need to take a minute.
0:59:50 I’m exhausted, right?
0:59:53 Take some time, but on top of that.
0:59:54 So then we start to go in and say,
0:59:57 let’s start to talk about what’s causing the burnout.
0:59:59 Is it that I say I’m going on a thousand dates
1:00:00 and I’m not getting second dates?
1:00:02 Okay, I need to become a better buyer then
1:00:04 because I’m going on way too many first dates
1:00:07 and not really vetting these people well.
1:00:09 We kind of have to understand where the burnout really lies.
1:00:12 So if it’s that, if it’s I’m just tired of the apps
1:00:14 and feeling disappointed, okay, you know what?
1:00:15 Let me use them passively.
1:00:17 Let me see who tries to match with me
1:00:20 and then I will decide if I want to match with them.
1:00:23 That way, I don’t feel like I’m being rejected as hard.
1:00:25 That’s where I kind of go and say,
1:00:28 start to get curious about what’s the narrative
1:00:30 that’s being associated with the burnout?
1:00:32 Is it that I don’t feel like anyone’s ever gonna like me?
1:00:34 Nobody, oh God, everybody good is taken.
1:00:36 Oh, okay, I have black and white thinking, right?
1:00:39 There’s no facts to back up that every good person is taken.
1:00:41 There’s a lot of good people getting divorced, right?
1:00:43 There’s a lot of good people breaking up too.
1:00:45 There’s an evolution, there’s a cycle.
1:00:47 So we have to look and say, am I being rigid?
1:00:49 Am I having black and white thinking
1:00:51 that’s causing me to reaffirm my core beliefs?
1:00:52 There’s something wrong with me?
1:00:55 Oh, okay, maybe that’s why I’m feeling burnt out.
1:00:56 I’m being so hard on myself.
1:00:58 I’m not having any compassion.
1:01:00 Or is it because, like I said, you’re not being a better buyer.
1:01:02 You’re going out with anybody that gives you the time of day.
1:01:03 Oh, you know what?
1:01:04 I need to have better boundaries.
1:01:05 This doesn’t work for me.
1:01:07 Is it ’cause I’m overgiving, right?
1:01:09 I meet somebody on one date and I’m ready on buying them gifts
1:01:11 and I’m trying to do everything to get them to like me.
1:01:12 I need to pull it back.
1:01:13 That’s exhausting.
1:01:15 I’m not having reciprocity.
1:01:17 So I think it’s about just understanding
1:01:19 where we fall on that, getting curious with ourselves
1:01:21 and then understanding what are boundaries and parameters
1:01:24 I can put so that I feel comfortable.
1:01:26 Coffee dates or one date a week, right?
1:01:29 Those are beautiful boundaries for yourself to say,
1:01:30 I’m going to protect my mental health,
1:01:33 but I’m also still going to remain open and receptive
1:01:34 because I do want a relationship.
1:01:38 I think a lot of people who are single listening to this show
1:01:41 are in their 30s, in their 40s,
1:01:44 and they have specific goals, family goals.
1:01:45 When do you think is the right time
1:01:48 to bring up those types of topics?
1:01:51 First date, first date, because here’s the reality.
1:01:53 I’m not saying first date, you have to start talking about,
1:01:54 okay, I’m going to have six children.
1:01:56 We’re going to have a house in the cottage, in the woods,
1:01:57 and we’re going to, no, no, no, no.
1:01:59 But if I’m going on a date with you,
1:02:01 and I know, okay, I’m 34, right?
1:02:02 Me personally, I’m 34.
1:02:04 If I were dating right now, I don’t want children.
1:02:05 So to me, it’s not an issue.
1:02:07 But if I wanted children, I’d go, okay, Zohar,
1:02:09 you got like two, three more years
1:02:12 before this becomes geriatric, it already is,
1:02:14 before it becomes more dangerous for your health.
1:02:15 So that means on a first date,
1:02:16 the first thing I’m going to say is,
1:02:17 hey, I’m super intentional.
1:02:20 I want marriage and family, does that align with you?
1:02:21 Because if the guy goes, no, I’m good,
1:02:22 I don’t want any more children, great,
1:02:24 I don’t need to hang out with you again, no, thank you.
1:02:27 Right, it’s not about having a checklist
1:02:29 that you’re like, oh, perfect, you aligned with that.
1:02:31 It’s about getting curious with somebody.
1:02:33 I talked to my partner about how’d your last relationship
1:02:35 ended when I did teach you about yourself.
1:02:37 I wanted to see if he took accountability.
1:02:38 I wanted to see if he was going to blame his ex.
1:02:40 Oh, my ex was crazy.
1:02:41 Was she?
1:02:43 Or they, they were crazy, huh?
1:02:44 Tell me more.
1:02:45 That’s an interesting, I want to know,
1:02:46 what are your political views?
1:02:47 Are you super rigid on that?
1:02:49 Because if I’m conservative, you’re a liberal,
1:02:51 or vice versa, we’re only going to have fights,
1:02:53 this is not going to work.
1:02:55 That’s the type of shit because we want to understand
1:02:57 that your time is valuable.
1:02:58 Let me ask you a question.
1:03:00 If you had a client come to you,
1:03:02 you’re going to ask the hard questions off the bat,
1:03:03 right, hey, what’s your budget?
1:03:04 How much do you have, right?
1:03:06 Or whatever, like all of the variables,
1:03:07 because you don’t want to waste your time.
1:03:08 It’s the same with dating.
1:03:10 It makes total sense.
1:03:11 And I love the questions that you brought up
1:03:15 to just understand what their last relationships were like.
1:03:17 And is there any other key questions
1:03:20 that we should ask to check compatibility?
1:03:22 The reason I like how did your last relationship
1:03:24 ended and wanted to teach you about yourself?
1:03:26 We’re not talking about your ex.
1:03:28 So it’s not about saying, oh, well,
1:03:29 my ex was all of these things.
1:03:30 Okay, I didn’t ask you about them.
1:03:31 I asked you how it ended,
1:03:33 and what did you learn about yourself?
1:03:35 So that right there is a great way to see,
1:03:36 do they take accountability?
1:03:36 Are they over their ex?
1:03:37 Have they moved on?
1:03:38 Do they process?
1:03:39 How do they speak about them?
1:03:41 Another question I love to ask is,
1:03:44 how do you normally handle disagreements or arguments?
1:03:45 Are you the type that likes to talk,
1:03:46 or are you somebody that needs space, right?
1:03:48 That’ll give me an understanding of
1:03:51 how do they handle conflict and resolution?
1:03:52 Where do you see yourself in five years?
1:03:54 In a perfect world, how would you like this to play out?
1:03:56 Right, just to understand if they’re like,
1:03:58 oh, I’m living here and I’m doing this,
1:03:59 and you’re like, oh, I don’t want to do that.
1:04:01 I want to live in the country with 10 kids.
1:04:03 Like this doesn’t align with me.
1:04:06 Just asking things that are important to you.
1:04:08 Like what matters to me
1:04:11 is I want to see how emotionally available you are.
1:04:13 I want to see how emotionally intelligent you are.
1:04:14 I’m not going to talk about my family
1:04:15 probably on the first date
1:04:17 because I don’t think it’s appropriate to trauma dump.
1:04:20 So I’m not going to ask you besides anything of like,
1:04:21 so tell me about your relationship with your parents.
1:04:23 Are you guys close?
1:04:25 And if someone says, no, not really, okay, cool.
1:04:26 Well, hey, I’d love to learn more about that
1:04:28 as I get to know you further.
1:04:31 Yeah, and I know that you have green flags
1:04:33 and red flags that you look for in a partner.
1:04:35 Could you break that down for us?
1:04:36 When we look at red flags,
1:04:39 all red flags are is a pattern of behavior
1:04:42 that could indicate turmoil in a relationship.
1:04:43 We hear this all the time.
1:04:44 Oh, that’s a red flag.
1:04:46 And you’re like, what’s a red flag about it?
1:04:47 How is that an indication
1:04:49 that there’s a problem in the relationship?
1:04:50 What’s a red flag?
1:04:51 Someone dismissing me.
1:04:53 Someone discrediting me.
1:04:55 A red flag, all my exes are crazy.
1:04:56 Oh, you don’t take accountability.
1:04:57 Got it, right?
1:04:58 Those are red flags.
1:05:00 They’re like somebody that their words and actions
1:05:01 aren’t aligning.
1:05:02 Look, those are true red flags.
1:05:04 Then we go on to the green flags.
1:05:06 Green flags could be something so minute
1:05:08 as they said they were going to call and they called.
1:05:10 They took me to their favorite restaurant
1:05:11 and introduced me to the staff.
1:05:12 That’s a great wow.
1:05:14 They are trying to bring me part of their life.
1:05:16 We have to look at green flags are what are things
1:05:20 that make me say, hey, this feels safe, secure and good to me.
1:05:20 They’re consistent.
1:05:22 Consistency means their words and actions align.
1:05:24 They’re reliable.
1:05:25 When they say they’re going to do something, they do it.
1:05:28 Or they communicate that they can’t do it.
1:05:31 A green flag that often people is actually a red flag
1:05:34 is like when people say, oh, well, they text me every day.
1:05:35 That’s not actually good.
1:05:38 I don’t want someone that’s constantly texting me.
1:05:39 Good morning.
1:05:40 How are you?
1:05:42 I don’t know, you dude, I spent two hours with you.
1:05:43 Why are you saying good morning to me?
1:05:44 Who are you?
1:05:46 That’s where we have to start to look and differentiate
1:05:49 because green flags, I like to look at it
1:05:51 as a glimmer to your nervous system.
1:05:52 What that means is it’s, yay,
1:05:54 this makes me feel good and safe
1:05:57 versus a red flag is more of a trigger to your nervous system.
1:05:58 Ooh, I don’t like that.
1:05:59 That doesn’t make me feel safe.
1:06:00 This isn’t a good look.
1:06:02 That’s what we want to look at is
1:06:03 when someone tells you something or acts,
1:06:05 how does it make you feel?
1:06:07 That’s how you’ll be able to differentiate between,
1:06:09 is this a red flag for me or a green flag?
1:06:11 How important do you think physical
1:06:16 or sexual chemistry is related to green flags, red flags?
1:06:18 I think it depends on how that fits into your life.
1:06:20 I know people that are asexual.
1:06:22 So to them, they’re like, that doesn’t bother me.
1:06:24 And it’s like, okay, so sex is not a big deal.
1:06:26 Whereas for me, I slept with my partner on the first date
1:06:27 ’cause it is huge for me.
1:06:30 I need that intimacy in my relationship.
1:06:32 So I think, listen, we’ve all, not all of us,
1:06:34 but a lot of us have seen love as blind.
1:06:36 I think we know and acknowledge
1:06:38 that it takes more than just a great personality
1:06:40 for us to feel a connection.
1:06:42 There is also, because for me,
1:06:44 if I don’t have the physical intimacy,
1:06:46 that means that this is my roommate, right?
1:06:47 You’re just a friend of mine.
1:06:48 That’s what differentiates.
1:06:50 But to other people that work.
1:06:53 So, hey, if that works for you, great, that’s fine.
1:06:54 But we also have to look,
1:06:56 ’cause now, I don’t know if you’ve heard this too, Hala,
1:06:57 there’s all these different, like,
1:07:00 demisexual, sapiosexual, all these new things.
1:07:02 I get turned on by your mind.
1:07:04 I get turned on by this.
1:07:05 There’s gonna be something for everybody.
1:07:07 So I think it’s about just being true to yourself.
1:07:10 If physicality is important, don’t kid yourself.
1:07:11 You don’t need to do charity work
1:07:13 and date someone ’cause they’re nice to you,
1:07:15 but you don’t even want them to touch you.
1:07:15 – I love that.
1:07:17 I think that’s really great advice.
1:07:22 So a couple more terms that are, like, hot right now, negging.
1:07:24 Everybody’s talking about negging.
1:07:25 I don’t really understand what it means,
1:07:26 so tell me what it means.
1:07:28 – Did you remember the book, “The Game”?
1:07:29 – No.
1:07:32 – Okay, so, yeah, this was a while ago,
1:07:34 but it was a guy, I’m a little fuzzy on it,
1:07:35 but it was this guy, he wrote a book,
1:07:38 and essentially it’s teaching men
1:07:39 how to get a woman to be obsessed with you.
1:07:42 And so he started hanging out with all these players
1:07:43 and learning their tools.
1:07:46 And then a lot of men now take that book as, like, gospel.
1:07:48 Negging is another part.
1:07:50 So negging is essentially putting you down.
1:07:52 It’s like a backhanded compliment.
1:07:55 So they’re putting you down to make you question yourself.
1:07:56 Negging, for example, could be,
1:07:59 oh, wow, yeah, you actually do look good in white.
1:08:02 And you’re like, thank you, right?
1:08:03 It’s like, it’s a bit of a,
1:08:05 and then it makes you feel a little insecure
1:08:07 ’cause you’re like, oh, they’re putting me down,
1:08:09 but they’re complimenting me.
1:08:12 What that is is it’s giving the other person the control, right?
1:08:14 Then they start to break you down as a person.
1:08:17 Then you’re like, oh, I want your validation.
1:08:18 So do you not like white on me?
1:08:21 Because you said, oh, wow, I actually look good in it.
1:08:22 Do I not normally?
1:08:24 It starts to make you question your own reality
1:08:28 and your own, negging is very common in narcissists a lot,
1:08:30 but it doesn’t have to be somebody who is a narcissist.
1:08:32 Talk about an overused term.
1:08:33 Negging could be someone who’s insecure.
1:08:35 Who thinks if I put her down
1:08:36 and give her a backhanded compliment,
1:08:38 she’s gonna want me even more?
1:08:39 And it’s just not fun.
1:08:40 This is not good shit.
1:08:42 Please don’t neg people,
1:08:44 but it’s just a manipulation tactic
1:08:47 so that you come out where somebody wants you even more.
1:08:50 – I know, and I feel like as women,
1:08:53 especially once we get a little bit older and wiser,
1:08:55 I was in a situation like that
1:08:56 where somebody was putting me down
1:08:59 and I was like, I’m not gonna just stay in this.
1:09:01 And I was out very quickly.
1:09:04 So I think you start to realize it really quickly
1:09:05 if you’re self-aware.
1:09:08 – Exactly, if you are wildly insecure,
1:09:10 oh, that’s just gonna feel probably like your parents, right?
1:09:11 Like, oh, you’re putting me down again.
1:09:13 Yeah, ’cause there’s something wrong with me.
1:09:15 But like you said, when you’ve really done the work,
1:09:16 you’ve come home to yourself and you’re like,
1:09:18 no, I’m pretty awesome.
1:09:19 I don’t know what you’re talking about.
1:09:22 That’s the adult version letting that little you know,
1:09:25 like I’m not gonna let anyone talk to you like this ever again.
1:09:26 You don’t deserve this.
1:09:29 It’s a beautiful act of self-love.
1:09:31 – So another trend that I see bubbling up
1:09:33 is this micro-flirting trend.
1:09:35 What is micro-flirting?
1:09:38 – It’s all those little like sending an emoji on a story,
1:09:39 right?
1:09:42 Like remember back on Facebook when you could poke people?
1:09:45 Micro-flirting is not being as outward about it.
1:09:46 And I think, listen, here’s my thing.
1:09:49 I’m a very blunt, direct go for it type of person.
1:09:51 So to me, I see micro-flirting as like,
1:09:53 it’s a soft blow of rejection.
1:09:55 Oh, I don’t wanna get rejected.
1:09:56 So let me micro-flirt.
1:09:57 And if they don’t give me a sign,
1:09:59 then I don’t have to get rejected.
1:10:00 If that works for you, fine.
1:10:03 But to me, it’s like, I’m either gonna do it or I’m not.
1:10:04 My mama always used to say, she’s like,
1:10:07 “You’re not half pregnant, you either are or you’re not.”
1:10:09 So they call it like tapping on the window on insta
1:10:12 when someone likes all your story, all of your photos.
1:10:14 And you’re like, okay, I’m pretty sure.
1:10:16 They’re not being outward cause they don’t wanna be rejected.
1:10:18 They’re giving just enough to see if you reciprocate
1:10:20 before they go any further.
1:10:23 – This reminds me of there was some guy from high school
1:10:26 that literally likes every single one of my stories.
1:10:26 And then one day I was like,
1:10:29 well, are you gonna ask me out on a date or what?
1:10:30 You know, you’re just gonna keep liking
1:10:32 every story for two years.
1:10:34 – And look at how you receiving that.
1:10:37 You’re like, I’d love for you to just ask me out.
1:10:39 Do it, but his fear of getting rejected
1:10:40 is causing him to micro-flirt.
1:10:41 And you’re like, I don’t want this.
1:10:43 I want someone that’s gonna come and ask me out.
1:10:44 – Exactly, exactly.
1:10:46 Ended up being like a turnoff kind of.
1:10:49 Have you heard of open-hearted masculinity?
1:10:51 – Oh God, okay.
1:10:53 Let’s talk about this.
1:10:55 The feminine masculine.
1:10:57 – Now, does it have a place?
1:10:58 – Yeah, listen, there are feminine qualities.
1:11:01 There’s masculine, that’s a polarity, right?
1:11:03 But this open-hearted masculine, it’s like,
1:11:04 oh, let me guess, you’re just saying,
1:11:07 be vulnerable and open while still being manly.
1:11:08 And it’s like, no, okay.
1:11:10 So then what I would say is who is determining
1:11:12 what’s masculine and feminine, right?
1:11:15 To some people, they’d say masculine men don’t be vulnerable.
1:11:17 But to me, I find that very sexy and masculine.
1:11:18 I think that’s really beautiful
1:11:20 that you’re in touch with yourself.
1:11:23 So that’s my issue with these feminine masculine
1:11:25 conversations, it’s the same with the high value stuff.
1:11:27 It’s like, who are you to determine my value
1:11:30 because I wanna take you to coffee and not dinner?
1:11:32 I’m suddenly, I don’t have any worth.
1:11:36 Masculinity and femininity, to me, come into safety.
1:11:37 Let’s think about this.
1:11:38 I can be feminine.
1:11:40 And what is really feminine is the receiving, right?
1:11:44 I can disarm, I can feel soft, I can be in my receiving.
1:11:46 How am I gonna receive if I don’t feel safe?
1:11:47 I have to feel safe.
1:11:50 And then my partner, he will protect me
1:11:53 and be that masculine figure when he feels safe
1:11:54 in order to do so.
1:11:56 Otherwise, he’s gonna be like, I don’t wanna,
1:11:57 why would I protect you?
1:11:58 You’re not somebody that’s for me.
1:12:01 So I look at it less as I need to be masculine and feminine
1:12:02 and more that I wanna feel safe
1:12:04 so that I can receive and disarm,
1:12:07 but then I can also step in and protect when I need to.
1:12:08 That’s how I would look at it
1:12:10 because open-hearted masculinity,
1:12:12 I think is just trying to tell people.
1:12:13 It’s like saying men wear pink, right?
1:12:15 Like it’s okay to have an open heart
1:12:18 and be vulnerable and transparent and honest and open.
1:12:20 You’re still a man and masculine if you do that.
1:12:22 – Yeah, and I think to your point,
1:12:24 when you were talking about spectrums
1:12:25 with attachment styles,
1:12:28 I think masculine and feminine is a spectrum.
1:12:31 So for example, I’m very masculine in my business,
1:12:33 but I’m really feminine in my relationships
1:12:36 and I don’t wanna be masculine at all
1:12:39 if I feel like it’s the right person.
1:12:41 – I’m the same, I’m very masculine.
1:12:42 And what does that mean?
1:12:44 It’s more outwards, right?
1:12:45 I’m more go-getter.
1:12:46 I’m gonna protect and I’m gonna serve
1:12:49 and I’m gonna be the mama bear, right?
1:12:51 It’s like, but that’s a balance, right?
1:12:52 We do have feminine and masculine.
1:12:55 Every person has that polarity and I’m the same.
1:12:57 In my relationship, I just wanna disarm.
1:13:02 I wanna feel soft and taken care of and loved.
1:13:03 That’s because we find a balance.
1:13:06 And then my partner works for my company.
1:13:08 And so in careers, yeah, he’s a little more feminine.
1:13:10 He has to back down and I’m the one that’s taking reins.
1:13:12 I’m the owner, but in our relationship,
1:13:14 he gets to come in and be the masculine.
1:13:18 The funny thing is people always equate masculine to,
1:13:19 oh, the woman cooks and cleans.
1:13:21 My partner cooks, he cleans,
1:13:23 he takes care of the household, he does all of that.
1:13:25 But he’s protecting me, he’s taken care of me.
1:13:27 And I am the breadwinner, right?
1:13:30 I’m taking care of our salaries, I’m making sure.
1:13:31 But it works for us.
1:13:33 What we wanna look at is what works for you, right?
1:13:36 If you want a more traditional life, great.
1:13:37 That comes with a price.
1:13:39 If I don’t, great, that comes with a price.
1:13:41 What works for you?
1:13:44 – I see more and more of this dynamic nowadays
1:13:46 as women are making more money
1:13:49 that these gender roles are switching.
1:13:53 And I think that we’re in this transitional period
1:13:57 where it’s still a little bit embarrassing in society
1:14:00 or people feel like ashamed of it.
1:14:02 What advice do you have for people?
1:14:03 Because I think there’s a lot more single,
1:14:06 successful women out there because of this.
1:14:09 What is your advice to those women and men
1:14:11 that are finding themselves dating women
1:14:13 who make more money than them?
1:14:17 How can we just be happier?
1:14:18 – I think what we have to look at here
1:14:20 is where does the insecurity lie, right?
1:14:22 Because for me, I totally understand.
1:14:25 It felt like I was this bad ass boss babe.
1:14:27 And you’re like, but why can’t I find a partner
1:14:28 that wants that?
1:14:30 And it all just meant was I just needed to find someone
1:14:32 that was secure with a strong woman, right?
1:14:34 My partner was raised by very strong women.
1:14:37 I’ve met them all and they are incredible powerhouses.
1:14:39 So meeting me was like, oh my God,
1:14:40 this is what I’ve been looking for.
1:14:41 And so I think what it is,
1:14:43 is about owning and acknowledging.
1:14:45 Yeah, Hala, you’re a bad ass.
1:14:47 You are not only gorgeous, not only smart,
1:14:48 not only successful,
1:14:51 you’re gonna be very intimidating to a lot of people.
1:14:53 But that doesn’t mean that you need to water yourself down
1:14:54 in order to have someone.
1:14:56 That means that you stand in your confidence
1:14:59 so that you can have a man that stands in his.
1:15:00 I like to look at it as,
1:15:03 my partner is the frame and I’m the picture, right?
1:15:04 We both can’t be the center of attention.
1:15:06 We both can’t be the painting.
1:15:08 So I get to be this fun, bright, woo,
1:15:11 and he’s the structure that keeps me in place.
1:15:12 Well, I need that balance
1:15:14 and I need as a strong business owner,
1:15:15 I need the support system.
1:15:18 That doesn’t mean I have to date a fellow business owner
1:15:21 because they might be needing those same things.
1:15:22 But I would say really,
1:15:25 embrace the parts of yourself that make you who you are.
1:15:27 That’s what makes you successful and cool
1:15:29 is the fact that you are a go-getter
1:15:30 and there are going to be people out there
1:15:31 that are gonna love that.
1:15:34 Don’t let someone else’s insecurities water you down.
1:15:36 Last question to you.
1:15:38 Let’s say we’re in a relationship.
1:15:40 What do you feel is important
1:15:43 for a sustainable, long-lasting relationship?
1:15:45 What do you think people should be doing?
1:15:48 Communication, number one, always and forever.
1:15:51 A relationship is one giant conversation, right?
1:15:53 You have to have those hard talks.
1:15:55 Anytime you say, oh, I don’t wanna say something,
1:15:56 it’s gonna push them away,
1:15:57 we’ve already lost the relationship.
1:15:59 That’s the number one.
1:16:00 If you have my favorite therapist,
1:16:02 she’s a marriage and family therapist,
1:16:04 her name is Julie Menino
1:16:06 and her stuff is called the Secure Relationship.
1:16:08 And we were talking and she said the one thing
1:16:10 to look at for outside of the communication
1:16:13 is two participants, two people.
1:16:15 I don’t care who they are in this relationship
1:16:17 that say no matter what, we will make it work.
1:16:18 Right, of course, within reason, obviously.
1:16:20 But two people, if you have two people
1:16:23 that are driven to become better versions of themselves,
1:16:24 like when my partner and I have an issue,
1:16:25 anytime there’s an issue,
1:16:27 the first thing I’ll say is, hey, to avoid resentment,
1:16:28 can I share something with you?
1:16:30 He knows when I say that, that it’s time.
1:16:32 Okay, I’m listening, what’s going on?
1:16:33 And same with him.
1:16:35 That way, if I say something and he’ll go, okay,
1:16:36 thank you for letting me know,
1:16:38 I had no idea I impacted you on that.
1:16:40 I’m gonna talk to my therapist about steps that I can take
1:16:42 so that I can make you feel more supported.
1:16:43 That way, I communicate
1:16:45 and then I let my partner do what they need to do.
1:16:47 But you know what the common denominator is?
1:16:50 Both of us are committed to making this work
1:16:51 within our power.
1:16:53 I can’t do the work for him and he can’t do it for me.
1:16:56 But as long as you’re two people that have respect,
1:16:58 that listen, that communicate,
1:17:00 the sky is the fucking limit.
1:17:02 You will go through all the hard times
1:17:03 as long as you remember that you’re a team,
1:17:05 work through your triggers.
1:17:06 Your partner’s gonna trigger you, that’s okay.
1:17:08 It doesn’t mean that everything has to be perfect.
1:17:09 Conflict is part of it.
1:17:12 The repair is what we wanna look at.
1:17:14 Sabrina, this was such an insightful conversation,
1:17:16 a very unique conversation for our show
1:17:18 that I think our listeners are gonna really enjoy.
1:17:20 So I end my show with two questions
1:17:22 that I ask all my guests.
1:17:23 Don’t worry about today’s topic.
1:17:26 This is just answering from your heart.
1:17:29 What is one actionable thing our young and profitors
1:17:32 can do today to become more profitable tomorrow?
1:17:35 Start noticing the sensations in your body.
1:17:36 And the reason I say that is because
1:17:38 when you start to understand yourself,
1:17:40 you are a goddamn superpower.
1:17:42 It is incredible that when you understand,
1:17:44 wait a minute, oh, whoa, this is a sensation in my body.
1:17:46 I can go regulate this.
1:17:48 You will be more profitable the next day
1:17:50 because you’ll make decisions from a clearer head.
1:17:52 You’ll make decisions from a more empowered space
1:17:53 and you’re making decisions for your highest good,
1:17:55 not out of anxiety or fear.
1:17:58 And what would you say is your secret to profiting in life?
1:18:01 And this can go beyond business.
1:18:04 My secret to profiting in life truly
1:18:08 is the unapologetic aspect that I am myself
1:18:09 and I’m not going to change
1:18:10 because if I don’t stand for something,
1:18:11 I fall for everything.
1:18:13 And so authentically accepting myself,
1:18:14 does she curse a lot?
1:18:15 Yep, do I talk a lot?
1:18:16 You bet your ass I do.
1:18:18 Do I have all of these qualities?
1:18:20 Absolutely, but that’s who I am.
1:18:22 That’s what makes me so unique and special.
1:18:25 And I think embracing those aspects of yourself
1:18:27 and not being ashamed, not dismissing yourself,
1:18:29 not discrediting yourself
1:18:32 is truly what makes me feel the most authentic
1:18:33 and powerful in my own life.
1:18:35 And Sabrina, where can everybody learn more
1:18:37 about you and everything you do?
1:18:39 SabrinaZohar.com is my website
1:18:41 or Sabrina.Zohar on TikTok or Instagram
1:18:42 or the SabrinaZohar show.
1:18:44 If you guys want to learn more about like dating,
1:18:47 anxiety and doing the work to heal, I got you.
1:18:49 Amazing, we’ll stick all those links in the show notes.
1:18:51 Sabrina, what an awesome conversation.
1:18:52 Thank you so much.
1:18:53 Thanks for having me.
1:19:00 – Young Improfiters, it can be so challenging
1:19:01 to balance being an entrepreneur
1:19:05 with having a healthy dating life or relationship.
1:19:07 Like Sabrina said, so many of us have
1:19:09 that all or nothing mentality.
1:19:11 And so often our personal lives suffer
1:19:14 as we pursue our work lives 24/7.
1:19:17 Still, there’s plenty of hope for us yet.
1:19:19 We can strive to find the right balance
1:19:21 and to better understand ourselves, our needs,
1:19:24 our attachment styles and the boundaries we need to set.
1:19:26 And hopefully we will find a partner
1:19:29 who can work within those same parameters.
1:19:30 We just need to be as flexible
1:19:33 and as understanding as we can.
1:19:37 And most of all, make sure that we constantly communicate.
1:19:38 Sabrina also helped me understand
1:19:42 how I can better navigate the crazy world of online dating,
1:19:45 which I’ve only recently been starting to experience.
1:19:47 Online dating gets a bad rap today,
1:19:49 but meeting people in person back in the day
1:19:51 was no picnic either.
1:19:54 Like Sabrina said, a dating app is just a tool.
1:19:57 And like the internet or any piece of technology,
1:20:00 it’s only as useful as you make it.
1:20:02 We all have agency and control,
1:20:04 and we can learn to be better buyers
1:20:06 when it comes to the dating market.
1:20:08 In fact, we entrepreneurs should be a lot better
1:20:11 at vetting prospects, weighing pros and cons
1:20:13 and making informed decisions
1:20:15 than the average person on a dating app.
1:20:17 So be smart about it, just like you would
1:20:19 if you were hiring somebody for your company.
1:20:21 Save yourself some time
1:20:23 by doing some early compatibility checks,
1:20:25 whether that’s a quick coffee date, a video call
1:20:29 or a drug question, like how did your last relationship end
1:20:32 and what did it teach you about yourself?
1:20:34 Finally, be kind to yourself.
1:20:36 Take a break from dating if you need to.
1:20:39 Set boundaries that protect your own mental health.
1:20:42 Don’t be afraid to pivot or change course.
1:20:43 In dating, as in business,
1:20:45 you can’t ultimately control the outcome
1:20:47 or if something will work out,
1:20:51 but you can control the process and how you show up for it.
1:20:53 Thanks so much for showing up here today
1:20:56 and listening to this episode of Young and Profiting.
1:20:58 If you listened, learned and profited from this conversation
1:21:00 and think you know somebody who could use
1:21:03 a little dating advice or encouragement,
1:21:04 then send them a link to the show.
1:21:08 Who knows, maybe it will help them find a life partner.
1:21:11 And if you did enjoy the show and you learned something new
1:21:13 and you feel like we’re kind of in a relationship
1:21:16 because you listen to me every single week,
1:21:18 then take a couple of minutes to say thank you
1:21:21 by dropping us a five-star review on Apple Podcasts,
1:21:24 Spotify, or wherever you listen to your podcasts.
1:21:27 I really love to read my reviews every day
1:21:30 and honestly, nothing else makes me happier.
1:21:33 I check my reviews every day.
1:21:35 It’s like a dopamine hit when I get one.
1:21:37 50,000 listens, we get one review.
1:21:41 So be that person, be that person for me.
1:21:43 And if you want to follow me on social media,
1:21:47 you can do so on Instagram @YapwithHalla or LinkedIn
1:21:50 by typing in my name, it’s Halla Taha.
1:21:52 And if you prefer to watch your podcast as videos,
1:21:55 you can find us on YouTube, all of our videos are up there.
1:21:58 You can also find me on Instagram @YapwithHalla
1:22:01 or LinkedIn by searching my name, it’s Halla Taha.
1:22:04 And before we wrap, I of course have to say thank you
1:22:07 to my rock star podcast team.
1:22:10 I mean, guys, I’ve got like the number one podcast team
1:22:12 in the freaking country, I really do.
1:22:14 We have an amazing podcast team,
1:22:17 production team podcast network.
1:22:20 Oh my gosh, I got to just shout everybody out right now.
1:22:22 First of all, I want to shout out Paul.
1:22:25 Congratulations on taking a more advanced role
1:22:26 on the production team.
1:22:29 You’ve been rocking it for years and years now.
1:22:31 I really appreciate you.
1:22:34 I want to shout out Corday for her promotion.
1:22:35 She’s moving off my podcast,
1:22:37 but going to better places in the network.
1:22:39 So shout out to you for doing incredible work.
1:22:41 I want to shout out Sean
1:22:44 for being an incredible researcher and copywriter.
1:22:45 You make my life so much easier.
1:22:50 You make me a better CEO because you give me back my time.
1:22:52 I appreciate you so much.
1:22:55 I want to shout out Greta for all her research support
1:22:55 over the years.
1:22:57 You’ve been doing an incredible job.
1:22:59 I want to shout out Maxi for his audio production.
1:23:02 I want to shout out Raven for her video support
1:23:04 and everything that she’s doing.
1:23:08 I want to shout out Jason, of course, Christina.
1:23:10 Thank you guys so much.
1:23:11 Love you guys.
1:23:15 This is your host, Hala Taha, AKA the Podcast Princess,
1:23:15 signing off.
1:23:18 (upbeat music)
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1:23:23 (upbeat music)
1:23:27 (upbeat music)
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