When the Plan Falls Apart: Finding Yourself in Change with Maya Shankar

It’s one of life’s great paradoxes: people often emerge from the hardest moments—illness, loss, sudden injury—with a deeper sense of gratitude and a wiser version of themselves than they ever imagined possible. Cognitive scientist and former Obama advisor Maya Shanker explores this transformation in her book The Other Side of Change, drawing from her own abrupt end to a violin career (after a hand injury and studies under Itzhak Perlman) and her interviews with others who’ve faced profound disruptions. She argues that while no one would choose these upheavals, they can act as a catalyst for revealing our core values and reshaping our identities in unexpectedly positive ways.

Central to the conversation is the distinction between anchoring our identity to what we do versus why we do it. When Shanker lost her ability to play violin, she realized her passion wasn’t merely for the instrument itself, but for the deep emotional connection it fostered. This “why”—the desire to connect with and move others—became a portable core identity that guided her into cognitive science, podcasting, and writing. This framework helps build resilience; if one role or ability is taken away, your fundamental purpose can still find expression in new avenues.

The discussion also tackles the messy, non-linear reality of navigating change. Shanker rejects simplistic platitudes about controlling your reactions, emphasizing instead practical strategies for coping with the uncertainty and loss of identity that accompany life’s curveballs. Importantly, she acknowledges that her book highlights stories of growth but does not sugarcoat suffering—the changes are never wished for, and the outcomes often include unresolved hardship. The goal isn’t necessarily happiness, but the chance to “feel and think differently,” finding agency and perhaps even gratitude amid the turmoil.

Surprising Insights

• Denial can be beneficial in the short term. Contrary to common self-help advice, Shanker points to research suggesting that denial can serve a protective function immediately after a shock, allowing the psyche time to adjust.
• We prefer certainty over probability, even if the certainty is bad. Studies show people experience more stress when told they have a 50% chance of receiving an electric shock than when told it’s 100% certain, highlighting our deep aversion to ambiguity.
• A personal “apocalypse” can lead to revelation. The word “apocalypse” stems from the Greek apocalypsis, meaning “revelation.” Shanker uses this to reframe catastrophic change as a moment that can uncover hidden truths about our beliefs, values, and self-identity.
• Change can forcibly reset our long-held beliefs. The book shares the story of a woman with amnesia who re-encountered her indigenous family history without the shame she’d previously learned, illustrating how disruptions can strip away subconscious, inherited biases and allow for a reevaluation of core beliefs.

Practical Takeaways

• Identify your portable “why.” Ask yourself what fundamental passion or value is behind your current roles (e.g., “I thrive on human connection” versus “I am a violinist”). Anchoring your self-worth to this core “why” makes it more resilient to life’s disruptions.
• Diversify your identity portfolio. Avoid putting all your self-esteem eggs in one basket, like your job title or a single skill. Cultivate multiple aspects of your identity (e.g., caregiver, creator, community member) so that if one is threatened, others remain.
• Use change as a belief audit. When a major disruption occurs, use it as a prompt to consciously examine your long-held beliefs and values. Ask: “Why do I feel this way? Does this belief still serve me?”
• Normalize the messy process. Understand that there are no official “stages” of grief or change that everyone follows neatly. Allow yourself grace if your reaction to a new challenge is different from how you’ve handled past ones.