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  • EXTRA: The Downside of Disgust (Update)

    AI transcript
    0:00:06 Hey there, it’s Stephen Dubner.
    0:00:11 We just finished publishing our series on Rats, which reminded me of an episode from
    0:00:13 the archives that I thought you might like to hear.
    0:00:18 You will understand within the first few seconds why I was reminded of this episode.
    0:00:24 It was first published in early 2021, although we began making this episode in early 2020
    0:00:26 and put it aside when the pandemic struck.
    0:00:29 Anyway, we have updated facts and figures as necessary.
    0:00:31 I hope you enjoy it.
    0:00:39 As always, thanks for listening.
    0:00:45 If you sat down at my kitchen table and I put an insect in front of you, maybe a cricket
    0:00:48 or a grasshopper, would you eat it?
    0:00:53 If you answered no, and I guess you did, then why not?
    0:00:59 Your answer likely has something to do with disgust, but have you ever wondered why eating
    0:01:01 an insect is disgusting?
    0:01:05 Have you ever wondered why disgust exists?
    0:01:07 And what else do you find disgusting?
    0:01:11 Are there any universal disgusts?
    0:01:15 Fecal material, for example, is inherently disgusting.
    0:01:21 Every person on the planet, with a few strange exceptions, finds fecal material something
    0:01:22 they want to stay away from.
    0:01:27 But once you get past poop, absolutes are hard to find.
    0:01:30 There are enormous variations in disgust.
    0:01:34 Consider, for instance, the animals we eat and don’t eat.
    0:01:38 I’m a massive dog lover, but I would eat dog out of curiosity.
    0:01:44 In California, you cannot eat horse, whereas in many European countries, you have horse
    0:01:45 butcheries.
    0:01:50 I’ve never eaten roadkill, but I would eat human flesh.
    0:01:54 From an evolutionary standpoint, disgust has often served us well.
    0:01:59 There is good reason to not eat poop, as well as other disgusting things that might harm
    0:02:00 us.
    0:02:03 There’s this real moment.
    0:02:09 But what if I told you that disgust is also holding us back, that it prevents us from
    0:02:14 pursuing strategies that could improve the environment, the economy, even our health?
    0:02:15 Just try them.
    0:02:18 They’re not as disgusting as they look.
    0:02:23 Today on Freakonomics Radio, we will explore the roots and types of disgust.
    0:02:26 There’s basically six different types of disgust.
    0:02:29 How incentives may change your disgust threshold?
    0:02:32 I brought buckets and tissues.
    0:02:35 I was afraid that somebody might throw up.
    0:02:40 We look into what psychologists call the mere exposure effect.
    0:02:45 Medical students are disgusted by cadavers, but after they dissected a cadaver, they’re
    0:02:47 much less disgusted.
    0:02:50 And we ask what it might take to overcome.
    0:03:07 When in doubt, cover it with chocolate.
    0:03:12 This is Freakonomics Radio, the podcast that explores the hidden side of everything with
    0:03:21 your host, Stephen Dubner.
    0:03:25 We begin with someone who is an elder statesman and a pioneer.
    0:03:28 Nobody studied disgust 50 years ago.
    0:03:32 I did sort of start the modern interest in disgust.
    0:03:35 I mean, Darwin wrote about disgust quite a bit.
    0:03:37 That’s Paul Rosen.
    0:03:39 R-O-Z-I-N.
    0:03:41 People call me Rosen, but that’s not right.
    0:03:45 Rosen is one of two scholars of disgust we’ll be hearing from today.
    0:03:49 He is a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania.
    0:03:55 Much of my work is about how humans relate to food from anthropological, evolutionary,
    0:03:57 and psychological perspectives.
    0:04:03 It was Rosen who we heard say in the open of this episode that there are enormous variations
    0:04:04 in disgust.
    0:04:07 You have people who have almost no disgust.
    0:04:12 They certainly would need feces, but they’re not really disgusted by seeing animal feces
    0:04:13 or something like that.
    0:04:19 And there are other people who will not blow their nose in a brand new piece of toilet
    0:04:20 paper.
    0:04:23 Because, you know, the poop association.
    0:04:30 As for Paul Rosen’s personal disgust levels, I’m probably in the 20% of people who are
    0:04:31 least disgusted.
    0:04:37 Are there things that you are particularly disgusted by that aren’t the common ones?
    0:04:39 Yeah, and I’m puzzled by it.
    0:04:42 I don’t like really stinky cheese.
    0:04:46 Rosen calls himself a partial vegetarian.
    0:04:49 I do not eat mammals or birds.
    0:04:52 However, I have a whole bunch of exceptions.
    0:04:54 For example, I will eat bacon.
    0:04:59 I will eat rejected food so if someone’s in a restaurant with me and they eat a hamburger
    0:05:01 and they only eat half of it.
    0:05:04 I, in principle, will eat it because it’s going to go in the garbage.
    0:05:10 I will eat calves liver, which I love in the United States because it’s waste products.
    0:05:12 Nobody kills a calf for the liver.
    0:05:18 It was also Rosen who noted in the open of this episode that he would eat dog, roadkill,
    0:05:20 even human flesh.
    0:05:24 I’m curious what it tastes like, whether I’d be disgusted by it.
    0:05:27 I don’t think so, but I could be.
    0:05:31 I’ve always wondered what parts of the human do you think would make for the best eating?
    0:05:34 Well, we in the United States only eat muscle.
    0:05:38 In other countries, they eat liver, they eat a lot of the viscera.
    0:05:41 I don’t terribly like eating brain, though I have eaten brain in them.
    0:05:43 It doesn’t taste bad.
    0:05:47 I have eaten the ashes of one of my dear persons.
    0:05:48 That’s the idea of endocannibalism.
    0:05:55 You love somebody and if they die, you want to keep them in some sense in your body.
    0:05:59 Whereas exocannibalism, which is very different, is eating your enemies.
    0:06:04 Would you like to see endocannibalism as you’ve just described it become more popular?
    0:06:09 I have no desire for that, but if a religion practiced it, I don’t think any current major
    0:06:10 religion does.
    0:06:15 I would think that’s okay.
    0:06:18 Disgust doesn’t exist in a vacuum.
    0:06:19 It has ramifications.
    0:06:24 People who are very high on the disgust scale often have comorbidities with other sorts
    0:06:26 of neuroticisms.
    0:06:31 We found, for example, that people who are high on disgust are also high on sex disgust
    0:06:35 and they make it very hard to make a lasting bond in a relationship.
    0:06:39 That is the other scholar of disgust we’ll be hearing from today.
    0:06:41 I’m Professor Val Curtis.
    0:06:43 I’m a disgustologist.
    0:06:49 In Curtis’s case, that means a background in engineering, public health, and evolutionary
    0:06:50 anthropology.
    0:06:55 I work on hygiene, sanitation, and water at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical
    0:06:56 Medicine.
    0:07:00 How does one become a disgustologist and is that a large field?
    0:07:02 There are very few disgustologists in the world.
    0:07:07 Surprisingly, there are not hordes of people screaming to study the science of disgust,
    0:07:10 but there are a growing number.
    0:07:13 What got you into the disgust racket?
    0:07:19 It was a long journey, but there was a eureka moment that got me traveling this route.
    0:07:25 I’ve been working on trying to understand behaviors that made people sick, mostly in developing
    0:07:29 countries, trying to understand why people were hygienic or weren’t hygienic.
    0:07:34 For example, we’ve done interviews in lots of different countries and I was asking people,
    0:07:36 “When would you wash your hands?”
    0:07:38 They would say, “Well, when they feel sticky and disgusting.”
    0:07:41 I go, “Well, what do you mean disgusting?”
    0:07:46 I kept coming up with these lists of things that people all around the world found disgusting.
    0:07:48 It was a motley collection of things.
    0:07:52 I couldn’t figure out what connected that all together, but then a colleague asked me
    0:08:00 to explain the cause of a strange parasitic disease and I looked it up in a book about
    0:08:04 communicable diseases and suddenly I realized all these things that people found disgusting
    0:08:09 were sitting in the index to this book and I’m going, “Hang on, vomit.”
    0:08:10 People find that disgusting.
    0:08:11 It makes you sick.
    0:08:12 Fallen hairs.
    0:08:13 People find that disgusting.
    0:08:16 Well, it’s a cause of ringworm.
    0:08:21 Food that’s gone off, that can cause typhoid, can cause diarrheal diseases and the more
    0:08:24 I looked into it, the more I realized that there was a very obvious pattern here that
    0:08:29 the things that everyone around the world seemed to regard as disgusting, they were all things
    0:08:33 that might harbor parasites and pathogens and so might make us sick.
    0:08:39 So being an evolutionarily minded sort of person, I saw that this was basically an adaptation,
    0:08:45 something we have in our brain to make us behave in ways that avoid us getting sick.
    0:08:47 Paul Rosen agrees.
    0:08:54 The core of disgust is almost certainly originally derived from a system to avoid pathogens which
    0:08:58 are usually part of animal food, not plant food.
    0:09:01 And that’s what led to his interest in disgust.
    0:09:07 What got me interested is that the meat is the most favorite food of humans, that also
    0:09:09 the most tabooed food.
    0:09:14 So I got curious why we should have such a strong negative emotion about a food that
    0:09:18 is highly nutritious and highly favored.
    0:09:21 Can you quickly define disgust for me?
    0:09:27 Disgust was originally defined as a rejection or offense at the oral incorporation of an
    0:09:28 offensive substance.
    0:09:35 We added to that definition the fact that that substance is usually contaminating.
    0:09:39 That is, if it touches a otherwise desired food, it renders it inedible.
    0:09:43 So when a cockroach touches your Sunday, that’s the end of the Sunday.
    0:09:47 It turns out there are different categories of things that might make us sick that we
    0:09:49 find disgusting.
    0:09:51 Six categories.
    0:09:56 There’s disgust about hygiene, there’s disgust related to certain types of animals and insects,
    0:10:04 there’s disgust related to sex, disgust related to people who are atypical in their appearance,
    0:10:10 deformed or not normal tends to unfortunately evoke a sense of disgust.
    0:10:15 If you meet somebody with a lesion, with an infected wound, people do tend to find that
    0:10:16 disgusting.
    0:10:20 Types of food, particularly food that smells funny or has gone off.
    0:10:25 So those are the six disgust categories.
    0:10:28 So those are the categories of things that generate disgust.
    0:10:30 What about our responses?
    0:10:33 We’ll start with the physical ones.
    0:10:35 The first is called the disgust face.
    0:10:38 There are actually two disgust faces.
    0:10:42 One of them is a jaw drop, sometimes with the tongue sticking out, which is an oral
    0:10:45 ejection and maybe a closing of the nostrils.
    0:10:46 Okay?
    0:10:52 There’s another one which is primarily raising of the upper lip and that overlaps a little
    0:10:54 with the anger expression.
    0:10:57 And then there are the verbal expressions of disgust.
    0:11:02 So I’ve got a collection of the words from all over the world and it’s quite surprising
    0:11:07 how many use this onomatopoeic bruch or yich or ug.
    0:11:09 It does seem to be almost a universal language.
    0:11:11 It’s to do with the gorge rising.
    0:11:16 It’s to do with this idea that your body is preparing itself for the ingestion of something
    0:11:18 that might make it sick.
    0:11:23 So you’re saying that that blech or blech or whatever is literally a pre-vomit sound,
    0:11:24 yes?
    0:11:25 Yes.
    0:11:28 And everybody would understand it wherever you were in the world.
    0:11:33 But beyond the physical expressions of disgust, there is an emotional component which goes
    0:11:36 beyond the things we put in our mouths.
    0:11:40 So my definition of disgust is a system that evolved in the first place to help us avoid
    0:11:42 parasites and pathogens.
    0:11:47 But when you’ve got a system like that that is so useful and we use the same neurons to
    0:11:52 detect social disgust and moral disgust as we do to detect pathogen disgust, I think
    0:11:55 it’s reasonable to call it the same thing.
    0:11:57 That area is not as well-defined.
    0:12:03 And so there’s a big discussion now in moral psychology of the extent to which disgust
    0:12:06 is really a moral emotion.
    0:12:11 When someone says that they are “disgusted” by another person’s actions, something they
    0:12:17 consider immoral or unethical, maybe cruel, is that something that you consider disgust
    0:12:22 an extension of the food disgust or is it more in your view metaphorical?
    0:12:28 Well, that’s the big issue whether it’s metaphorical use of disgust or it’s actual disgust.
    0:12:33 And one critical issue there is whether the same brain area is involved for which there
    0:12:37 is some evidence and also whether some of the other features of disgust, even a little
    0:12:40 sense of nausea, is involved.
    0:12:46 It does seem that when moral violations are called “disgusting,” they often have a bodily
    0:12:51 component to them, like an axe murderer or not a bank robber.
    0:12:57 But what if I say I’m disgusted by the actions of, let’s say, a politician?
    0:12:59 What he did disgusts me.
    0:13:04 I can’t imagine there’s actual nausea attached to that, for instance.
    0:13:08 Well, I would say that’s a more metaphorical use of disgust.
    0:13:14 When we say someone who steals, someone who’s corrupt is disgusting, that’s a little different
    0:13:18 from saying that someone who, say, burns the American flag is disgusting.
    0:13:22 So disgust is but one of a functional set of motives that make us do the things that
    0:13:24 were good for our ancestors.
    0:13:28 And they’re there in all of us all the time and they drive a huge amount of what we do.
    0:13:32 And it’s very poorly recognized that that is the complete and necessary set of motives
    0:13:34 you need to be a human being.
    0:13:39 You’ve noted that people are much less disgusted by the notion of eating rotten food when they’re
    0:13:45 very hungry also that people are less disgusted by certain sexual matters when they’re aroused.
    0:13:49 So how malleable is our disgust system?
    0:13:52 Our motives compete for our attention at every moment.
    0:13:55 And the one which is the strongest is the one that’s going to win.
    0:14:00 So if it’s been a long time since you’ve had a, what am I allowed to say on the radio?
    0:14:01 Anything.
    0:14:03 Since you’ve had a shag, can you say that?
    0:14:06 We don’t say that, but you can, sure.
    0:14:10 So if it’s a long time since you’ve had a shag, you’re going to be much more likely
    0:14:17 to be attracted by the somewhat smelly, greasy hunk who’s proposing himself to you than
    0:14:19 if you had a good one the day before.
    0:14:22 So it’s not your level of disgust is going up and down.
    0:14:24 It’s the trade-off that you’re making that’s going up and down.
    0:14:29 If you haven’t eaten for weeks, the sandwich that has got mold on it, you might scrape
    0:14:33 the mold off, but you’re going to eat it.
    0:14:39 Okay, what have Val Curtis and Paul Rosenthal taught us so far?
    0:14:44 Disgust is driven by biological and quite likely evolutionary factors.
    0:14:47 It’s got strong emotional components.
    0:14:51 It’s also malleable and variable among individuals and cultures.
    0:14:56 The next question is, how useful can disgust be?
    0:15:00 Considering it is an ancient force and that we’re living in a modern world, should we
    0:15:05 learn to dial down the disgust in some cases and are there other cases where we might want
    0:15:07 to turn up the disgust?
    0:15:11 This is one of the most effective hand-washing campaigns ever.
    0:15:15 And can you incentivize someone to look past their disgust?
    0:15:21 The way the experiment works is people made decisions in five rounds and each round was
    0:15:23 associated with one species of insect.
    0:15:25 That’s coming up after the break.
    0:15:28 I’m Stephen Dubner and this is Freakonomics Radio.
    0:15:42 We have been hearing that disgust can be a powerful deterrent to steer people away from
    0:15:48 negative behaviors or substances, but can it also push them toward positive ones?
    0:15:51 So yeah, it is a double-edged sword.
    0:15:55 That’s Val Curtis, the London disgustologist we heard from earlier.
    0:16:00 So globally, some of the biggest killers are infectious diseases.
    0:16:05 As the COVID pandemic has reminded us, hand hygiene is an excellent weapon against infectious
    0:16:06 disease.
    0:16:11 We’ve been working in programs all over the world trying to get people to wash their hands.
    0:16:17 But let’s be honest, the benefits of hand hygiene have been known for a long time now.
    0:16:23 Some people just aren’t very diligent, so Curtis got to wondering if she could apply
    0:16:26 what she had been learning about disgust.
    0:16:30 We used disgust to promote hand hygiene in Ghana.
    0:16:34 We did it not by talking about germs, not by talking about disease, but by making a
    0:16:41 very attractive little video where a rather well-dressed but typical Ghanaian woman came
    0:16:45 out of the toilet and you notice that she doesn’t wash her hands.
    0:16:50 And then she prepares food for her kids and you see her kneading this pounded yam and you
    0:16:55 see stains of something indeterminate on the pounded yam.
    0:16:58 And then you see her feeding a piece of it to her child.
    0:17:05 And there’s this real moment as moms watch this ad, they realize basically that the feces
    0:17:09 that she was dealing with in the toilet have actually got into the mouths of the kids.
    0:17:13 So it’s a really powerful disgust message.
    0:17:15 OK, so powerful I’m buying.
    0:17:16 Was it effective?
    0:17:17 Did it change behavior?
    0:17:21 This is one of the most effective hand-washing campaigns ever.
    0:17:25 The rates of hand-washing more than doubled and they were still high several years after
    0:17:26 the campaign.
    0:17:31 So that’s a case where dialing up the disgust was fruitful.
    0:17:37 Another example, those horribly graphic anti-cigarette ads you may have seen with rotten teeth and
    0:17:39 blackened lungs.
    0:17:42 But let’s now consider the flip side.
    0:17:47 Other than exploiting disgust in order to promote a certain behavior change, are there
    0:17:52 other behavior changes that are best promoted by reducing disgust?
    0:17:54 The answer is yes.
    0:17:56 Paul Rosen again.
    0:18:02 For example, a lot of people will not drink recycled water, which is water which goes from
    0:18:08 sewage to pure water in a matter of minutes by being forced through a membrane that only
    0:18:09 passes water.
    0:18:15 So it’s pure water, but people are disgusted by it because they know it was in contact
    0:18:16 with feces.
    0:18:22 Now that disgust is a barrier to acceptance of this, which is a very efficient way of
    0:18:23 delivering water.
    0:18:28 So that’s a case where there could be large environmental and economic gains from ratcheting
    0:18:34 down the disgust, maybe even geopolitical gains, considering that water scarcity is a
    0:18:37 source of great friction in many places.
    0:18:43 There is another disgust related mission that Paul Rosen is even more enthusiastic about,
    0:18:46 getting people to eat more insects.
    0:18:51 Especially in the developing world where there’s short of protein, insects are a great source
    0:18:52 of protein.
    0:18:56 And though more than a billion people eat insects regularly, there are many who could use that
    0:19:00 protein who don’t, and they’re disgusted by insects.
    0:19:05 As with recycled water, you can imagine the various gains from increasing the consumption
    0:19:11 of protein-rich insects, especially compared with meat, which is incredibly resource-intensive
    0:19:12 to produce.
    0:19:19 In 2013, the UN’s Food and Agricultural Organization published a report promoting insect eating
    0:19:26 as an especially relevant issue in the 21st century due to the rising cost of animal protein,
    0:19:32 food insecurity, environmental pressures, population growth, and increasing demand for protein
    0:19:34 among the middle classes.
    0:19:37 And how would these insects be consumed?
    0:19:39 There are generally two philosophies here.
    0:19:44 One is to make flour, which is a high animal protein flour that replaces, say, wheat or
    0:19:45 corn flour.
    0:19:48 At low levels, you wouldn’t even taste it.
    0:19:52 So that’s one approach, as it were, sneak it in, and the other approach is to say, “No,
    0:19:54 here are insects.”
    0:20:00 As Rosen notes, more than a billion people around the world already eat insects.
    0:20:02 And they don’t typically make flour.
    0:20:07 They will typically cook the insects, maybe on a grill, or they’ll mix them in with other
    0:20:10 foods, but the insects are usually apparent.
    0:20:13 What are the most popular insects?
    0:20:19 Often beetles, things like mealworms, larvae of insects, and grasshoppers.
    0:20:22 So in Mexico, chapulines is what they’re called.
    0:20:29 You can get a taco filled with grasshoppers.
    0:20:35 But a billion people eating insects leaves another seven billion not eating insects.
    0:20:39 At least, we think we’re not eating insects.
    0:20:40 You already do eat insects.
    0:20:43 You’re allowed to have five insect legs in a Hershey bar.
    0:20:44 I’ve heard that.
    0:20:45 Yeah, look it up.
    0:20:46 We did look it up.
    0:20:48 That, again, was Val Curtis, by the way.
    0:20:52 And according to the Food and Drug Administration, there’s actually an average of eight insect
    0:20:55 fragments per chocolate bar.
    0:21:02 Eating up to 60 fragments per 100 grams is acceptable, as is a small amount of rodent
    0:21:04 hair.
    0:21:10 And have you ever eaten a salad or peanut butter or canned tomatoes?
    0:21:13 Have you ever had a beer or glass of wine?
    0:21:19 If so, then you have been routinely ingesting your fair share of insect all along.
    0:21:26 That said, most of us do not knowingly eat insects, especially in Toto, because they
    0:21:27 disgust us.
    0:21:34 So insects are one of the types of things that we tend to find disgusting in as much
    0:21:37 as how closely they’re connected with disease.
    0:21:42 Curtis, you will recall, is a professional disgustologist with a background in public
    0:21:44 health and anthropology.
    0:21:49 I got to wondering whether the field of economics had anything worthwhile to say about disgust.
    0:21:52 Economists don’t usually think about disgust.
    0:21:56 That’s Sandro Ambul, an economist at the University of Zurich.
    0:22:03 They think, if anything, about moral repugnance, because that puts limits on what can be traded
    0:22:05 in markets.
    0:22:10 Repugnance would seem at least moderately linked to disgust as it often centers around
    0:22:11 the human body.
    0:22:16 For instance, it limits how much you can pay people to participate in medical trials or
    0:22:19 surrogate motherhood or human egg donation and so forth.
    0:22:24 There’s limits on the incentives that you can provide for these kinds of transactions.
    0:22:29 But is it true that incentives lead to worse decision making?
    0:22:32 We have all these laws that are based on this hunch.
    0:22:38 Laws against, for instance, compensating kidney donors or even offering compensation for breast
    0:22:39 milk?
    0:22:43 It’s something that is empirically testable, but hasn’t been empirically tested.
    0:22:46 So that’s the main question that I want to answer.
    0:22:51 He set out to answer this question with a set of experiments.
    0:22:56 Even though Ambul says he was thinking about repugnance, he plainly understands disgust
    0:23:00 because he built his experiments around the eating of insects.
    0:23:02 Yeah, that’s right.
    0:23:06 He used college students, of course, as his research subjects.
    0:23:12 The way the experiment works is people made decisions in five routes and each round was
    0:23:14 associated with one species of insect.
    0:23:19 He used mealworms and silkworm pupae and a variety of crickets.
    0:23:24 House crickets, field crickets, and maybe the most disgusting ones are mole crickets.
    0:23:26 They are really nasty.
    0:23:33 In the beginning, I brought buckets and tissues because I was afraid that somebody might throw
    0:23:34 up.
    0:23:36 It turns out that didn’t happen.
    0:23:40 Maybe because the people who knew they’d throw up were the ones who opted out of eating
    0:23:45 insects during the experiment because you were given that choice.
    0:23:48 In one experiment, for instance, there’s two groups of people.
    0:23:53 If you’re in the first group, you’ll learn that you’re going to be given $3 if you decide
    0:23:56 to eat five mealworms.
    0:24:01 If you’re in the second group, you’ll learn that you’re going to be given $30 if you agree
    0:24:04 to eat five mealworms.
    0:24:09 Now, after you learn how much money you’re given, but before you make a decision, you
    0:24:15 can choose between two videos to watch to inform yourself about what eating these things
    0:24:16 is going to be like.
    0:24:20 One video is called “Why You May Want to Eat Insects.”
    0:24:23 The other video is called “Why You May Not Want to Eat Insects.”
    0:24:28 Ambul wanted to measure how both financial and informational incentives affected the
    0:24:31 decisions that his research subjects made.
    0:24:35 There was a separate experiment to see how much he’d have to pay students to eat a whole
    0:24:36 scorpion.
    0:24:41 So, these are really large scorpions that are as big as your hand.
    0:24:47 It takes about $200 to $300 to make college students eat those, or to make some college
    0:24:49 students eat those.
    0:24:55 In the interest of scientific equity, Ambul ate one of these scorpions himself.
    0:25:00 Take a plastic spoon, put a small shrimp on it, season it with some motor oil, and then
    0:25:03 eat everything, including the spoon.
    0:25:05 That’s about what eating a scorpion is like.
    0:25:09 What was Ambul trying to learn with this kind of experiment?
    0:25:14 I wanted to know if I offer incentives to somebody, what do I do with their quality
    0:25:16 of decision making?
    0:25:21 This goes back to the idea of whether financial incentives might skew someone’s judgment
    0:25:25 towards selling their kidneys or eggs.
    0:25:30 What I’m interested in is whether if I pay people a larger amount of money, are they
    0:25:35 going to be more interested in watching the positive video than the negative video?
    0:25:38 But it turns out the answer to that question is yes.
    0:25:43 In other words, the bigger incentive increases their appetite to persuade themselves that
    0:25:47 what they’re about to do is a good idea.
    0:25:52 Among the research subjects who were offered just $3 to eat the insects, around a third
    0:25:55 decided to do it, even without access to a video.
    0:26:00 Among the subjects who were offered $30, nearly 60% decided to eat the insects without video
    0:26:07 access and more than 70% after watching the video about why eating insects is a good idea.
    0:26:10 So, what did this tell Ambul?
    0:26:15 This result looks like incentives are causing bad decisions.
    0:26:21 But if you’re an economist, as Ambul is, these are in fact good decisions.
    0:26:22 How so?
    0:26:27 If I offer you very little for doing something you might not like, well, what you want to
    0:26:30 make sure is that you don’t say yes by mistake.
    0:26:34 You’re okay with saying no because there’s not much to gain.
    0:26:40 Now if I offer you a lot of money saying no by mistake, all of a sudden it’s quite expensive.
    0:26:44 And so you become more interested in learning about the upsides rather than the downsides
    0:26:45 of the transaction.
    0:26:52 Now, how does this apply to Paul Rosin’s mission of getting people to eat more insects?
    0:26:57 Well, economists, of course, love financial incentives, but there’s a problem.
    0:27:03 If you pay people to eat insects, they’re less likely to engage with it after you remove
    0:27:04 the payment.
    0:27:09 The fact that they’re being bribed to eat something may actually block getting to like
    0:27:10 it.
    0:27:12 Now, we don’t know how people get to like things.
    0:27:14 We still don’t know that.
    0:27:20 But it does seem that imposed incentives may block it sometimes, but on other occasions
    0:27:21 they may not.
    0:27:26 In other words, as all researchers like to say always, further research is needed.
    0:27:32 But with the incentives unclear, where does that leave you if your mission is to get people
    0:27:33 to eat more insects?
    0:27:37 In psychology, there’s this phenomenon called the mere exposure effect.
    0:27:42 And what it says is just as you are exposed to something over longer and longer time periods,
    0:27:44 you start liking it.
    0:27:49 And Ambul had noticed as he ran his insect experiments that the mere exposure effect
    0:27:51 was working on him.
    0:27:55 So I was sitting there for a large number of hours putting insects into little plastic
    0:27:56 containers.
    0:28:02 I started snacking voluntarily on the house crickets.
    0:28:05 Rosin has seen several examples of the mere exposure effect.
    0:28:11 If you drink recycled water for a while, not too long, just maybe a week, you won’t even
    0:28:13 think about it anymore.
    0:28:17 The problem is getting over the disgust hump because people don’t realize they’ll cease
    0:28:20 to be disgusted once they get used to something.
    0:28:26 You’ve shown that medical students are disgusted by cadavers, but after they’ve dissected
    0:28:30 a cadaver for a month or two, they’re much less disgusted.
    0:28:32 And Val Curtis has seen the effect.
    0:28:38 In Uganda, we used to eat the flying ants that flew out once a year and we’d catch them
    0:28:39 and fry them.
    0:28:42 They don’t really have much disease connection.
    0:28:46 And once you’ve fried them and salted them and you’re having them with a few beers, the
    0:28:50 wriggly, sticky, gooey nature of insects is rather forgotten.
    0:28:56 So basically people will eat insects that don’t have too strong a connection with disease.
    0:28:59 And the more you can distance them from a connection with disease, the more likely they
    0:29:00 are to eat them.
    0:29:06 We know that if people eat insects for a while, not for too long, maybe even 10 times, they’ll
    0:29:08 get used to it and they won’t be disgusted.
    0:29:13 They don’t taste like meat, but they can be crunchy and a little nutty tasting.
    0:29:17 But so the taste won’t put you off once you don’t find it disgusting.
    0:29:23 What started is that small companies are making insects and they package them.
    0:29:25 One person I know puts them in dog food.
    0:29:29 So that’s one way to get people to eat it is to have their pets eat it first.
    0:29:32 We’re looking at these various roots that we can use.
    0:29:38 A lot of Americans will try a cookie if you say it’s 20% insect flower.
    0:29:45 The biggest problem with getting insects more into the world is cost because they’re not
    0:29:47 mass produced.
    0:29:55 If we mass produced insects like a Pepsi Cola or a craft or somebody made a serious attempt
    0:29:59 to do this, they would produce insects on a large scale that use all the tricks they
    0:30:04 use with cows to make it cheap to breed better insects.
    0:30:09 So one of the problems is to convince a big company to say we’re going to get down this
    0:30:16 road because there’s a lot of business and potential public health.
    0:30:21 Coming up after the break, will one of the world’s biggest food companies make that leap?
    0:30:25 So when you say insects, the first thing I want to know is what kind of insects?
    0:30:29 And the second thing I want to know is, do you have to see the insect?
    0:30:30 Can the insect be hidden?
    0:30:37 I’m Stephen Dubner, this is Freakonomics Radio, we’ll be right back.
    0:30:52 I got to wondering, what would it take to persuade a big food manufacturer to get into
    0:30:55 the business of edible insects?
    0:30:59 My name is Emily Kimmons and I’m the senior manager of the sensory and consumer science
    0:31:02 team for Kraft Heinz.
    0:31:05 Since we spoke with Kimmons in 2020, she has a new job title.
    0:31:11 She is now the R&D lead for sensory and consumer science at Kraft Heinz, which is one of the
    0:31:13 world’s biggest food and beverage companies.
    0:31:20 They make Kraft mac and cheese, Philadelphia cream cheese, Oscar Mayer hot dogs and dozens
    0:31:23 of other products you have likely run across.
    0:31:28 So I’m in charge of the taste test for any new innovations that are coming out across
    0:31:30 all the brands in U.S. and Canada.
    0:31:34 This means managing the company’s professional tasters.
    0:31:39 We can only ask our professional tasters to work for two hours because even though we
    0:31:43 use them as analytical instruments, they really are just human.
    0:31:49 So if you ask them to taste more than let’s say 10 to 12 macaroni and cheeses in a two
    0:31:52 hour period, it all starts to taste the same.
    0:31:55 And then we’ll do outside consumer panels in the evening.
    0:31:57 All we ask consumers to do is react.
    0:31:58 Just do you like it?
    0:31:59 Do you not like it?
    0:32:04 Kimmons says that simply surveying consumers about a potential new product, something with
    0:32:07 insects maybe, isn’t useful.
    0:32:13 Consumers need something physical to touch and taste and hold on to to tell you what
    0:32:14 they like and what they don’t like.
    0:32:18 And the more different things you can give them, the richer your information is going
    0:32:19 to be.
    0:32:23 So when it comes to new food ideas, volume is important.
    0:32:28 Because it’s usually only about 10% that ends up making it out on the market.
    0:32:32 They may be really good ideas, but there’s something that gets in the way.
    0:32:34 There’s ingredients that aren’t available.
    0:32:37 It’s just too expensive to manufacture it.
    0:32:41 There’s consumers that are really interested, but not enough consumers to really make sense
    0:32:43 as a business.
    0:32:44 Okay.
    0:32:50 So when we say insects, Emily Kimmons of Kraft Heinz says what?
    0:32:54 So when you say insects, the first thing I want to know is what kind of insects?
    0:32:58 And the second thing I want to know is, do you have to see the insect?
    0:32:59 Can the insect be hidden?
    0:33:01 What form is the insect in?
    0:33:08 Maybe a worm can look happy and be, maybe worms are okay, but cockroaches never okay.
    0:33:14 And is it cricket flower or am I eating a physical big old cricket?
    0:33:16 All of those things matter.
    0:33:19 And it also matters what we’re used to.
    0:33:24 So depending on where you live in the world, eating insects might be completely fine.
    0:33:25 Already part of my diet.
    0:33:26 No big deal.
    0:33:27 Give me some more insects.
    0:33:30 Have you heard about the insect cheeses?
    0:33:33 That again is the economist, Sondro Ambul.
    0:33:38 There’s two somewhat well-known insect cheeses, and I think Sicily they eat what’s called
    0:33:40 Casa Marzu.
    0:33:43 Actually it’s Sardinia where they eat Casa Marzu.
    0:33:49 Which is a cheese that they let sit and then flies come and lay their eggs into the cheese,
    0:33:55 and then you have the maggots crawling around and people eat that cheese with the maggots.
    0:34:00 In some parts of Germany, meanwhile, the Germans have mite cheese.
    0:34:02 So they have living mites in the cheese.
    0:34:06 Before you turn up your nose at the notion of eating insect cheese, especially if you’re
    0:34:13 an American, do you know what beef cattle raised in the U.S. are often fed?
    0:34:14 It’s chicken litter.
    0:34:21 So the feces of chicken are processed and are then fed to cattle, and then you eat the
    0:34:24 cattle that have been fed on chicken shit.
    0:34:30 All of this may or may not make the transition to insects more palatable for a company like
    0:34:31 Kraft Heinz.
    0:34:36 If we’re talking U.S. and Canada, yeah, the biggest concern is the ick factor.
    0:34:41 You need to understand how you can overcome the ickiness of the thought behind I’m going
    0:34:44 to be eating some insects.
    0:34:45 That’s the biggest thing.
    0:34:48 We have to make sure we can get it into people’s mouths before they can judge whether they
    0:34:50 actually like it or don’t like it.
    0:34:56 One of the biggest tricks that we have is blending familiar with unfamiliar.
    0:34:59 So if you can blend it with something that they already know, they already like, you
    0:35:05 have a better chance of getting new flavors into their repertoire, like new fruits combined
    0:35:06 with strawberries.
    0:35:13 You’ll see strawberry kiwi, you see strawberry goji berries, strawberry asaii berry because
    0:35:17 well I like strawberries so I’m willing to try whatever the other new thing is as long
    0:35:19 as it’s still with strawberries.
    0:35:22 And of course not all consumers think alike.
    0:35:26 So there are classic consumers that say don’t touch my product.
    0:35:27 I love it.
    0:35:28 I want it exactly the way it is.
    0:35:32 I want it the same every time I get it, everywhere in the world.
    0:35:34 For instance?
    0:35:35 That’s a Heinz ketchup.
    0:35:37 I want Heinz ketchup to always taste the same.
    0:35:38 It’s familiar.
    0:35:39 It’s comforting.
    0:35:40 It’s trusting.
    0:35:44 So we probably shouldn’t expect Heinz to be slipping any insects in their ketchup, at
    0:35:45 least knowingly.
    0:35:50 Then you have other consumers that might be more adventurous, even Philadelphia cream
    0:35:51 cheese.
    0:35:53 They might be more adventurous consumers.
    0:35:55 They’re dipping stuff in it.
    0:35:56 Cricket cream cheese.
    0:35:57 It could be a thing.
    0:36:02 Does Kimmons really think insects are viable even for a big mainstream company like Kraft
    0:36:04 Heinz?
    0:36:11 We asked her to rate the probability with one being definitely and 10 being no way.
    0:36:17 I think for the general food world, it’s probably about a five because there are people
    0:36:19 in the world that eat it.
    0:36:20 It is available.
    0:36:23 There are products that I can buy on the internet right now.
    0:36:25 It’s not that inconceivable.
    0:36:27 I think for Kraft Heinz it would be a little bit harder.
    0:36:32 I think it would be at least a seven, but still possible.
    0:36:33 Yeah.
    0:36:34 It’s possible.
    0:36:37 You’re not wasting your time if you use a different language too, like, oh, this came
    0:36:42 from Japan, like edamame, you know, those are soybeans.
    0:36:43 Well, it’s edamame.
    0:36:44 It sounds fancy.
    0:36:48 I think that might be a actually brilliant way to do it.
    0:36:49 Make it sound exotic.
    0:36:52 Make it sound adventurous.
    0:36:55 Insect in Japanese, by the way, is kanchu.
    0:36:56 It sounds great.
    0:36:59 A kanchu brownie sounds delicious.
    0:37:02 And of course, there is this classic move.
    0:37:05 When in doubt, cover it with chocolate.
    0:37:06 It always helps.
    0:37:10 It’s also worth keeping in mind how tastes change over time.
    0:37:16 I have my great grandmother’s recipe book and there’s a whole section on squirrels.
    0:37:23 And I would never think of making squirrel or serving it to my children today, but my
    0:37:26 mother and grandmother ate it all the time.
    0:37:32 So what we find repugnant in one era may be standard in another.
    0:37:38 This concept holds not just for what we eat, but what we believe, how we behave.
    0:37:44 Slavery, for instance, was for centuries treated like a standard business practice.
    0:37:49 On the other hand, consider life insurance until the middle of the 19th century.
    0:37:55 It was considered, as the sociologist Viviana Zelizer once wrote, a profanation which transformed
    0:38:00 the sacred event of death into a vulgar commodity.
    0:38:05 If we are capable of making such big shifts in matters like these, can it really be so
    0:38:08 hard to make insects appealing?
    0:38:14 In 2021, the European Union’s Food Safety Authority ruled that mealworms are safe for
    0:38:15 human consumption.
    0:38:21 Two years later, the EU approved the sale of insect proteins in powdered and dried forms
    0:38:22 for human consumption.
    0:38:25 But what about human demand?
    0:38:27 Here again is Sandro Ambul.
    0:38:34 I mean, judging from my own reaction and the reaction of many people I have seen, I do
    0:38:40 think it’s going to be very, very hard to convince even a sizable minority of the population
    0:38:42 to consume insects on a regular basis.
    0:38:47 I mean, no one thinks of kiwi or mango as being this very unusual food.
    0:38:51 But 50 years ago, they seemed very odd and very scary.
    0:38:58 So will crickets and mealworms and things like that eventually become mainstream partly
    0:38:59 if they taste good?
    0:39:04 I mean, they’re not as disgusting as you’d think, but they’re just not very good.
    0:39:10 I think it’s much more likely that everybody would become a vegetarian than it is that
    0:39:13 people would start eating insects on a broad scale.
    0:39:19 But I do need to say, I think sushi was at a similar point in the US a couple of decades
    0:39:20 ago.
    0:39:25 People tend to start in restaurants first and then filter their way down from fine dining
    0:39:29 to casual restaurants to fast food and then end up in retail.
    0:39:33 There’s always going to be adventurous people that are willing to try lots of different
    0:39:34 things.
    0:39:38 And then if it tastes good and they’re willing to say, “Hey, try this, it tastes good.”
    0:39:43 Okay, so we have the guacamole.
    0:39:44 We add some insects.
    0:39:47 We add grasshoppers or black ants.
    0:39:48 Right on top?
    0:39:49 Yeah.
    0:39:50 They go on top.
    0:39:51 Oh boy.
    0:39:52 Wow.
    0:39:54 Just try them.
    0:39:56 They’re not as disgusting as they look.
    0:40:00 If people didn’t know what they were eating, I just tried this.
    0:40:02 They think it was pretty good.
    0:40:08 I met up with Paul Rosin, the Penn psychologist, scholar of disgust, insect advocate at the
    0:40:13 Black Ant, a modern Mexican restaurant in Manhattan’s East Village.
    0:40:14 Are you hungry?
    0:40:16 I can eat.
    0:40:19 The chef is Ileana Cermano.
    0:40:25 We also have the chapulinas dish, which is the grasshoppers with avocado and fresh cheese.
    0:40:34 We also have the chapulinas croquettes, which we mix the croquettes and baby grasshoppers.
    0:40:35 Can I prepare you one, Paul?
    0:40:36 Sure.
    0:40:39 I’m going to give you a little bit bigger dose of ant than I…
    0:40:42 How many ants are you giving me?
    0:40:44 That looks to be about a hundred ants.
    0:40:46 Wouldn’t you say maybe?
    0:40:47 They’re pretty small.
    0:40:48 Yeah.
    0:40:54 This may be a good percentage of my total ant.
    0:40:56 I can’t keep my hands off the grasshoppers.
    0:40:57 They’re addictive.
    0:40:59 They’re like cocktail peanuts.
    0:41:04 You can buy these in stores, just dried grasshoppers.
    0:41:08 They won’t be seasoned as well.
    0:41:10 I’m going to grab one, too.
    0:41:11 They have good texture.
    0:41:14 No, you have a little salt in there, right?
    0:41:15 Mm-hmm.
    0:41:16 What else?
    0:41:17 Some chili and garlic.
    0:41:20 You’re a creative chef.
    0:41:23 Thank you.
    0:41:28 So do you personally feel it’s your mission to make insect eating more acceptable or
    0:41:30 you just happen to land here?
    0:41:31 Yes.
    0:41:32 I do like grasshoppers.
    0:41:38 You go through Mexico streets and you can grab a pound of grasshoppers and sit in it
    0:41:39 while you walk.
    0:41:43 It’s healthier than chips and stuff like that.
    0:41:47 Is there any advice you could give generally on the idea of making insects more palatable
    0:41:49 to people?
    0:41:54 So when they come for a first time, I try to give them the croquettes.
    0:41:56 It’s a little bit more soft.
    0:41:57 They’re delicious.
    0:42:00 They have cheese, a more similar taste.
    0:42:05 Then if they want to feel more adventurous, I will send like a whole dish of croquettes
    0:42:07 or grasshoppers.
    0:42:11 I try to push it a little bit at a time.
    0:42:14 Our thing right now is black soldier flies.
    0:42:20 Black soldier fly larvae are the best because they are, it’s not that they taste better,
    0:42:22 but they have a short life cycle.
    0:42:24 They’re great for the future.
    0:42:32 So you’ll take the ants and the grasshoppers and the ant flecked guacamole home.
    0:42:33 Thank you very much.
    0:42:34 It was a great meal.
    0:42:35 Oh yeah, sure.
    0:42:36 Thank you.
    0:42:37 All right.
    0:42:39 If I come back, I’ll bring you some black soldier flies.
    0:42:46 I have 10 pounds of them because that’s the smallest amount I could get.
    0:42:50 That meal I shared with Paul Rosin at the Black Ant was in February of 2020.
    0:42:53 I’m sorry to report that the Black Ant closed last year.
    0:42:59 I’m even more sorry to report that Val Curtis, the British hygiene scholar we interviewed,
    0:43:02 died in October of 2020.
    0:43:03 She was 62.
    0:43:11 The cause was cancer.
    0:43:15 I hope you enjoyed this bonus episode from the Freakonomics Radio Archives.
    0:43:17 We will be back soon with a brand new episode.
    0:43:19 Until then, take care of yourself.
    0:43:24 And if you can, someone else to Freakonomics Radio is produced by Stitcher and Renbud Radio.
    0:43:29 This episode was produced by Matt Hickey with help from Daphne Chen and updated by Dalvin
    0:43:31 Abouaji.
    0:43:35 The Freakonomics Radio network staff includes Alina Coleman, Augusta Chapman, Eleanor Osborne,
    0:43:40 Ellen Frankman, Elsa Hernandez, Gabriel Roth, Greg Rippin, Jasmine Klinger, Jeremy Johnston,
    0:43:45 John Schnarrs, Morgan Levy, Neil Coruth, Sarah Lilly, Teo Jacobs, and Zac Lipinski.
    0:43:51 You can find our entire archive on any podcast app also at Freakonomics.com where we publish
    0:43:53 transcripts and show notes.
    0:43:59 Our theme song is Mr. Fortune by the Hitchhikers, and our composer is Luis Guerra.
    0:44:23 As always, thank you for listening.
    0:44:27 [MUSIC PLAYING]

    It’s a powerful biological response that has preserved our species for millennia. But now it may be keeping us from pursuing strategies that would improve the environment, the economy, even our own health. So is it time to dial down our disgust reflex?  You can help fix things — as Stephen Dubner does in this 2021 episode — by chowing down on some delicious insects.

     

    • SOURCES:
      • Paul Rozin, professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania.
      • Val Curtis, late disgustologist at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine.
      • Sandro Ambuehl, economist at the University of Zurich.
      • Emily Kimmins, R&D lead for the sensory and consumer-science team for Kraft Heinz.
      • Iliana Sermeno, former chef at The Black Ant.

     

     

  • #217 Josh Wolfe: Human Advantage in the World of AI

    AI transcript
    0:00:02 Look at AI right now.
    0:00:03 Billions of dollars being spent.
    0:00:07 The flurry of all of this benefits us as consumers,
    0:00:08 always and everywhere.
    0:00:10 Just wait and they’ll compete and compete
    0:00:12 and it will accrue to us as users.
    0:00:15 How do we create an unfair advantage in a world of AI?
    0:00:18 I think the limits to human intelligence
    0:00:20 are rooted in our biology.
    0:00:23 AI’s over time will understand us in many ways better
    0:00:25 than we understand ourselves.
    0:00:27 We can still be computers and chess, done.
    0:00:29 We can still be them and go, done.
    0:00:30 We can be them and video games, done.
    0:00:32 Okay, but we still have creativity, done.
    0:00:34 All these things have been trained
    0:00:38 on the sum total of all human creation.
    0:00:40 And now they’re being trained on the sum total
    0:00:42 of human creation plus artificial creation.
    0:00:46 I’m absolutely convinced that we are going to have machines
    0:00:48 doing science 24/7.
    0:00:50 I just think it’s gonna be part of the total overture
    0:00:55 over of creation and I think it’s a beautiful thing.
    0:00:57 (upbeat music)
    0:01:00 (upbeat music)
    0:01:11 Welcome to The Knowledge Project.
    0:01:13 I’m your host, Shane Parish.
    0:01:15 In a world where knowledge is power,
    0:01:18 this podcast is your toolkit for mastering the best
    0:01:20 what other people have already figured out.
    0:01:22 If you want to take your learning to the next level,
    0:01:24 consider joining our membership program
    0:01:27 at fs.log/membership.
    0:01:29 As a member, you’ll get my personal reflections
    0:01:32 at the end of every episode.
    0:01:35 Early access to episodes, no ads, including this,
    0:01:38 exclusive content, hand edited transcripts,
    0:01:39 and so much more.
    0:01:42 Check out the link in the show notes for more.
    0:01:44 While others ask what’s trending,
    0:01:48 Josh Wolf asks, what seems impossible today?
    0:01:51 He’s built a career betting on scientific breakthroughs
    0:01:53 that most people don’t believe can happen.
    0:01:55 As co-founder of Lux Capital,
    0:01:57 he’s backed companies cleaning up nuclear waste
    0:02:00 and building brain computer interfaces.
    0:02:02 But here’s the contradiction.
    0:02:03 Despite investing in technology
    0:02:05 that could make humans obsolete,
    0:02:09 Josh is profoundly optimistic about human potential.
    0:02:12 His thinking challenges conventional wisdom.
    0:02:15 While most see AI as automation and threats to humanity,
    0:02:19 Josh sees it as a catalyst for human achievement.
    0:02:22 In this conversation, we explore this paradox,
    0:02:25 diving deep into how technological evolution
    0:02:28 can amplify rather than diminish what makes us human.
    0:02:30 From geopolitical power shifts
    0:02:32 to the future of human creativity,
    0:02:35 Josh reveals the exact frameworks he uses
    0:02:36 for seeing what others miss
    0:02:39 and betting on the seemingly impossible future.
    0:02:42 It’s time to listen and learn.
    0:02:48 – Start with what you’re obsessed with today.
    0:02:49 What’s on your mind?
    0:02:52 – Well, first and foremost, kids and family.
    0:02:54 Trying to be a good dad, good husband.
    0:02:57 Technologically obsessed with so many different things.
    0:02:59 We were just in a partnership meeting.
    0:03:01 And probably the most interesting thing at the moment
    0:03:05 is thinking about the speed of certain technologies,
    0:03:06 like the actual physical technologies
    0:03:08 and where the bottlenecks are.
    0:03:12 So in biology, you’ve got all kinds of reactions,
    0:03:14 nature figured out, evolution figured out,
    0:03:15 enzymes and catalysts and things
    0:03:16 that can speed up reactions.
    0:03:20 But you can move faster than the speed of biology.
    0:03:22 Now you think about AI, total different field,
    0:03:26 but the same sort of underlying philosophical principle.
    0:03:31 If you’ve tried ChatGPT operator,
    0:03:35 it can only move at the speed of the web.
    0:03:37 And at that it’s sort of with latency a little bit slow.
    0:03:40 So we’re thinking about what are the technologies
    0:03:41 that can accelerate these things
    0:03:43 that have these natural almost physics limits.
    0:03:46 And even if those limits are biological or digital.
    0:03:48 So that is something that at the moment I’m obsessed with
    0:03:50 in part because I have ignorance about it.
    0:03:51 And when I have ignorance about it,
    0:03:53 my competitive spirit says,
    0:03:54 how do I get smart about this?
    0:03:56 How do I get some differentiated insight?
    0:03:57 How do I know what everybody else thinks
    0:04:00 and then find the sort of white space answer?
    0:04:03 So that’s one big thing, obsessed with geopolitics.
    0:04:08 It is the great game, everything from US-China competition
    0:04:14 to Iran, Israel, access of religious conflict,
    0:04:17 the Sahel and Maghreb in Africa,
    0:04:19 which is not an area that a lot of people
    0:04:21 talk about or think about that I believe
    0:04:26 with low probability, super high magnitude import
    0:04:28 is going to become the next Afghanistan,
    0:04:30 that that region in the Sahel,
    0:04:34 all these coups and cascades of these coups of failed states
    0:04:36 where you have Russian mercenaries,
    0:04:39 violent extremists, Chinese CCP coming in
    0:04:42 with infrastructure and influence,
    0:04:45 European colonial powers being kicked out
    0:04:48 against this backdrop of brilliant scientists
    0:04:51 and engineers and technologists that went to HBS or Stanford
    0:04:53 and worked at Metta and Google and are going back
    0:04:57 and particularly in like Ghana and Kenya and Nigeria
    0:04:58 or building businesses.
    0:05:03 So that continent is going to be a truly contested space
    0:05:07 for future in progress and for utter chaos and terrorism.
    0:05:09 So yeah, it’s a widespread of stuff
    0:05:11 that I’m probably currently obsessed with.
    0:05:12 – Let’s talk about all those things.
    0:05:14 Let’s start with sort of diving in.
    0:05:16 You mentioned chat, GBT operator.
    0:05:16 – Yes.
    0:05:18 – And the limitations sort of being,
    0:05:19 we’re moving at the speed of the web.
    0:05:21 At what point do you think that we’re,
    0:05:24 those systems are all designed for humans?
    0:05:26 At what point do they become designed for AI first
    0:05:27 and then humans are using them
    0:05:30 or do we just have two simultaneous interfaces?
    0:05:31 – I think it’s going to be both.
    0:05:34 I think that there’s always this like ignorance arbitrage
    0:05:37 where somebody figures out that there’s an opportunity
    0:05:39 to take advantage and improve a system
    0:05:41 while people don’t understand it.
    0:05:42 And so I think that there are people
    0:05:46 that are probably going to launch redesign businesses
    0:05:48 where they say we will optimize your web pages
    0:05:50 just like people did for search engine optimization
    0:05:53 when Google rose that you had to be more relevant
    0:05:54 because Google was so important.
    0:05:56 Google was influencing whether or not people would see you
    0:05:57 or discover you.
    0:06:00 And so if there are certain tasks like open table
    0:06:02 or restaurants or shopping,
    0:06:05 they are now going to start to shift their user interface
    0:06:08 not just for the clicks of a human,
    0:06:09 but for the clicks of an AI
    0:06:11 that’s doing research on the best product.
    0:06:14 And the way that those are going to negotiate
    0:06:17 and in some cases influence or trick the judgment
    0:06:20 and the reasoning of the AI is really interesting.
    0:06:23 So I think that that is probably the next domain
    0:06:25 where those things are going to get better, faster,
    0:06:27 they’re going to have more compute,
    0:06:29 but then people are going to be redesigning
    0:06:31 some of these experiences, not for us
    0:06:33 and the user interface of humans, but machine to machine.
    0:06:35 And you’re already starting to see this
    0:06:36 where there was one element of like
    0:06:39 in instantiation of R1 communicating with another
    0:06:41 in R1, but the language that they were commuting
    0:06:43 was not English or Chinese or even traditional code.
    0:06:45 It was like this weird almost alien language.
    0:06:48 And so I think you can see a bunch of that.
    0:06:49 There’s another adjacent theme
    0:06:51 which I think is also really interesting,
    0:06:54 which is AI portends the death of APIs.
    0:06:58 So APIs allow Meta with their Metaglasses or Orion
    0:07:03 to be able to communicate with Uber and Spotify
    0:07:04 through the backend, through software.
    0:07:07 But increasingly those things are complicated,
    0:07:09 they’re hard to negotiate, there’s a lot of legal,
    0:07:11 there’s API calls, there’s restrictions,
    0:07:13 there’s privacy, there’s controls.
    0:07:14 But if you’re one of these companies that are like,
    0:07:16 I don’t want to go through all of that.
    0:07:19 Can I just use AI to pretend that I’m a user?
    0:07:20 And in fact, I had this experience
    0:07:22 where I was using Operator
    0:07:25 and I had this moral dilemma for a split second.
    0:07:28 Do I click to confirm that I’m not a bot
    0:07:29 because I had to take control over it
    0:07:30 because the bot actually was trying
    0:07:32 to do my research on behalf of me.
    0:07:36 And so you see a world where APIs
    0:07:39 that have been the plumbing of everything in SAS
    0:07:41 and software and negotiating behind the scenes
    0:07:44 may start to lose influence and power to AIs
    0:07:47 that are able to basically just negotiate on the front end
    0:07:48 as though they were a user.
    0:07:50 So I think that that whole domain
    0:07:54 is going to very rapidly evolve in like a quarter or two.
    0:07:57 – You mentioned sort of the limitations
    0:07:59 like biology moves at a certain speed.
    0:08:01 There’s a couple of subset of questions here,
    0:08:04 but one is where’s the limitation in AI growth right now?
    0:08:07 It seems like we have energy as a key input.
    0:08:10 We have compute as a key input.
    0:08:13 And then we have data slash algorithms
    0:08:15 as like the next key input.
    0:08:16 What am I missing?
    0:08:18 What’s the limitation on those?
    0:08:20 – Well, start with conventional wisdom
    0:08:21 which has heretofore been correct,
    0:08:23 which is you need more compute,
    0:08:26 you need more capital, scaling laws for AI,
    0:08:29 just throw more GPUs and processors and money
    0:08:31 and ultimately energy to support that
    0:08:33 and you will get better and better breakthroughs.
    0:08:35 The counter to that, which you’re seeing in some cases
    0:08:37 with open source or people that have now trained
    0:08:38 on some of the large models
    0:08:41 is that there’s gonna be a shift towards model efficiency.
    0:08:43 And so that’s number one,
    0:08:44 that people are gonna figure out
    0:08:46 how do we do these more efficiently with less compute.
    0:08:49 Number two, which is a big sort of contrary thesis
    0:08:53 that I have is that a significant portion of inference.
    0:08:55 So, you know, if you break down training,
    0:08:57 you still need large 100,000 ish clusters
    0:08:59 of each 100 top performing chips.
    0:09:00 It’s expensive.
    0:09:03 Only the hyperscalers, heretofore have been able to do that.
    0:09:04 You can do some training
    0:09:06 if you’re using things like together compute
    0:09:08 in some of our companies without having to do that yourself.
    0:09:12 Sort of like going back to on-prem versus colo
    0:09:15 versus cloud transition 15 years ago.
    0:09:17 But I think that you’re gonna end up doing
    0:09:20 a lot of inference on device.
    0:09:22 Meaning instead of going to the cloud
    0:09:25 and typing a query, like 30 to 50% of your inference
    0:09:27 may be on an Apple or an Android device.
    0:09:29 And if I had to bet today,
    0:09:32 it’s Android because of the architecture over Apple.
    0:09:33 But if Apple can do some smart things,
    0:09:35 maybe they can catch up to this,
    0:09:37 but some of the design choices and the closed aspects
    0:09:40 which have been great for privacy as a feature
    0:09:42 may hurt them in this wave.
    0:09:44 And you could already see like perplexity
    0:09:46 can actually be an assistant on my Android device.
    0:09:49 I carry both so I can understand both operating systems.
    0:09:51 You can’t do that yet on iOS and Apple.
    0:09:52 But here’s the insight.
    0:09:56 If 30 to 50% of my inference is my cached emails
    0:09:59 and my chats and my WhatsApp
    0:10:01 and all the stuff that I keep on my device,
    0:10:04 my photos, my health data, my calendar,
    0:10:08 then the memory players may play a much bigger role.
    0:10:10 So now you have Samsung, SK Hynex, Micron
    0:10:12 that are important here.
    0:10:15 If I had to come up with somewhat pejorative analogy,
    0:10:18 I think Samsung is going to be more like Intel.
    0:10:20 I think that they’re just a little bit sclerotic
    0:10:22 and bureaucratic and slow moving
    0:10:24 and it’s gonna sort of ebb and decline.
    0:10:27 I think Micron is a US company
    0:10:30 which is going to be more constrained
    0:10:33 by restrictions that are put on export control.
    0:10:35 And I think SK being a Korean company
    0:10:37 is gonna be able to skirt those
    0:10:40 in the same way that Nvidia has with distribution
    0:10:42 to China through Singapore and Indonesia and Malaysia,
    0:10:43 which is now being investigated.
    0:10:47 But the memory players are likely to be ascendant.
    0:10:49 And so what Here2For was a bottleneck on compute
    0:10:52 could shift attention, talent, money
    0:10:55 into new architectures where memory plays a key role
    0:10:58 on small models on device for inference.
    0:11:00 – I’ve always thought of memory as like a commodity.
    0:11:02 It doesn’t matter if I have a M-U chip
    0:11:03 or a scan desk of Samsung.
    0:11:05 – And that’s what people thought about CPUs back in the day
    0:11:08 and then GPUs for just traditional video graphics.
    0:11:11 And then the AI researchers came and said,
    0:11:12 “Well, wait a second.
    0:11:14 We can run these convolutional neural nets on these GPUs.”
    0:11:17 And they reached into somebody else’s domain
    0:11:19 of PlayStation and Xbox and pulled them in
    0:11:22 and suddenly it lit up this phenomenon
    0:11:25 that turned Nvidia from 15 billion
    0:11:27 to two and a half or three trillion.
    0:11:31 Do you think Nvidia has got a long runway?
    0:11:34 – I think that their ability with that market capitalization
    0:11:36 and that cash and the margin that they have,
    0:11:38 they can reinvent and buy a lot of things.
    0:11:41 So I think Jensen is a thoughtful capital allocator.
    0:11:44 I think he’s benefited and caught lightning in a bottle
    0:11:45 over the past 10 years.
    0:11:47 And now just particularly the past six,
    0:11:49 I would not count Nvidia out.
    0:11:52 Now, what’s the upside from two and a half or three trillion
    0:11:53 to five trillion or 10 trillion?
    0:11:56 Or do they go back down to, I have no idea.
    0:11:58 So that’s more of a fundamental valuation
    0:11:59 based on the speculation.
    0:12:01 But if you have 90, 95% margins
    0:12:04 and your chips are $30,000,
    0:12:07 could you shrink them down and sell for $3,000
    0:12:09 and take small margins but get more volume?
    0:12:12 And this was some of the debate that I think happened
    0:12:14 with the release of DeepSeq where you had Satya
    0:12:16 basically talking about Jeven’s paradox
    0:12:19 that any one thing might get more efficient
    0:12:21 but the result is not that you have less demand.
    0:12:24 In aggregate, you have much more demand.
    0:12:26 The classic example of this is like refrigerators.
    0:12:29 Single refrigerator back in the day was an energy hog.
    0:12:32 All of a sudden you make these things more efficient
    0:12:33 and what happens, it becomes much cheaper.
    0:12:37 So if something’s cheaper, you’re gonna buy more of it
    0:12:39 and they shrunk refrigerators down.
    0:12:41 And so now everybody had one in their garage
    0:12:44 and in their office and in their basement.
    0:12:46 And so the aggregate demand for electricity
    0:12:49 and then for all the components and coils and refrigerant
    0:12:50 went up, not down.
    0:12:52 Same thing with bandwidth.
    0:12:56 If you have a 56K Bod modem, which was like my first modem,
    0:12:58 you know, dial up internet and all that kind of stuff
    0:13:01 on CompuServe and, you know, then you go to a T3
    0:13:03 and fiber optic, you know, at the speed of light,
    0:13:06 it is way more efficient but your usage now is just huge.
    0:13:09 You’re streaming 4K videos and watching Netflix
    0:13:11 and trading on Bloomberg.
    0:13:14 Whereas if you actually want to decrease use,
    0:13:17 the non-obvious thing that you would wanna do
    0:13:18 is actually slow down speed.
    0:13:20 I mean, put me on a 56K Bod modem today
    0:13:22 and just like pull out my hair and never use it.
    0:13:23 You couldn’t even use Gmail on that.
    0:13:24 – Right, exactly. – Exactly.
    0:13:26 Where do you think intelligence
    0:13:28 is the limiting factor of progress?
    0:13:30 – Human intelligence?
    0:13:34 I think that the great thing about us is that we are,
    0:13:36 I don’t know, 60 or 70% predictable
    0:13:41 in that so many of the foibles and virtues and vices
    0:13:45 of man and woman are Shakespearean.
    0:13:46 You know, there are hundreds of, I mean,
    0:13:48 tens of thousands of years old from modern evolution,
    0:13:52 but with that we are still irrational.
    0:13:53 You know, Danny Kahneman was a friend.
    0:13:56 Danny passed last year, just an amazing guy,
    0:13:58 but he could document all the heuristics
    0:14:01 and all the biases which you study and write about.
    0:14:04 And he’s like, I’m still a victim of them.
    0:14:06 Even knowing them doesn’t really insulate me
    0:14:08 from falling to them.
    0:14:09 It’s just like an optical illusion.
    0:14:11 You can know it’s an optical illusion,
    0:14:13 but you still see it and you still fall for it.
    0:14:17 So I think the limits to human intelligence
    0:14:19 are rooted in our biology.
    0:14:22 And we have all of these embodied intelligence
    0:14:26 that have sort of been externalized in calculators
    0:14:29 and in computers that help us to overcome that.
    0:14:32 And I certainly feel today that a significant portion
    0:14:35 of my day that might be spent with a colleague
    0:14:36 riffing on something.
    0:14:39 And sometimes that’s like great for a muse
    0:14:41 or tapping into information or intelligence
    0:14:43 or some tidbit or a piece of gossip
    0:14:45 or an experience that they had.
    0:14:47 And that’s why like the diversity of cognitive diversity
    0:14:49 is really important.
    0:14:51 I’m complimenting that with all day chats
    0:14:54 with perplexity and Claude and open AI
    0:14:58 and any number of LLMs that might hallucinate
    0:15:01 just like a friend and might be wrong about something,
    0:15:03 but might give me some profound insight.
    0:15:05 – I think what I’m interested in is
    0:15:08 at what point will machines like if intelligence
    0:15:10 is the limiting factor on progress
    0:15:12 in certain domains or areas.
    0:15:15 It strikes me that in the near future,
    0:15:19 the machines will be able to surpass human intelligence.
    0:15:20 – For sure.
    0:15:21 – And if that’s the case,
    0:15:25 then those areas are rife for either disruption
    0:15:26 or rapid progress.
    0:15:30 – Well, I think, you know what Peter Drucker never imagined
    0:15:32 when he was talking about knowledge workers
    0:15:33 in the shift from like blue collar workers
    0:15:35 to white collar workers was that machines
    0:15:38 would actually most threaten those professions.
    0:15:42 And so you take some of the most elite professions, doctors.
    0:15:46 The ability to do a differential diagnosis today.
    0:15:47 I take my medical records as soon as I get them
    0:15:50 from top doctors and I still put them into LLMs
    0:15:52 to see what did they miss?
    0:15:55 And sometimes it unearths some interesting correlations.
    0:15:58 Is there a scientific paper from the past 10 years
    0:16:00 that might have bearing on this particular finding
    0:16:01 or something in a blood test?
    0:16:03 So that is really interesting.
    0:16:07 Lawyers, languages, code, multi-billion dollar lawsuits
    0:16:09 sometimes come down to the single placement
    0:16:11 and interpretation by a human of a word.
    0:16:13 One of the things that Danny Kahneman recognized
    0:16:16 and he published this in his last book Noise
    0:16:19 was that the same case, the same information,
    0:16:21 the same facts presented to the same judge
    0:16:23 at different times of day
    0:16:25 or to presented to different judges.
    0:16:26 They are not objective.
    0:16:29 And he actually thought that for justice and fairness
    0:16:31 that you would want the human intelligence
    0:16:34 applied to these situations with their biases
    0:16:36 to be either complimented or replaced by AIs
    0:16:38 that had a consistency and a fidelity
    0:16:40 in how they made decisions.
    0:16:42 So those are all high paying jobs
    0:16:44 with lots of training, lots of time
    0:16:47 to gain the experience, the reasoning, the intelligence.
    0:16:50 And many of those things are at risk.
    0:16:54 Government itself, the ability to legislate, make decisions.
    0:16:55 You wanna be able to capture
    0:16:56 and express the will of the people.
    0:16:59 But increasingly we have social media
    0:17:00 that’s able to do that, it could be corrupted
    0:17:02 but there’s mechanisms to figure out
    0:17:05 how do you really surface what does the populace care about?
    0:17:07 And some in Europe have tried to do these things.
    0:17:11 The key thing is always like what’s the incentive
    0:17:13 and what’s the vector where somebody can come in
    0:17:15 and corrupt these things?
    0:17:18 But interestingly, I actually think that the people
    0:17:21 whose jobs are like most protected in this new domain
    0:17:23 are blue collar workers.
    0:17:26 A robot today can’t really fully serve a meal
    0:17:28 and they cannot effectively even though
    0:17:32 every humanoid robot tries to do folding laundry
    0:17:36 and there’s still basic jobs that are not low paying
    0:17:38 but they’re arguably safer than ever.
    0:17:40 And this ties into immigration and technology
    0:17:44 and human replacement, but people that are doing maintenance,
    0:17:46 people that are plumbers, many of these things
    0:17:49 are standardized systems, but it’s like the old joke
    0:17:52 about the plumber that comes in and he comes in
    0:17:55 and he taps a few things and suddenly the pipes are fixed
    0:17:57 and he says how much is it, it’s 1,000 bucks.
    0:18:00 1,000 bucks for that, he’s like it was a $5 party.
    0:18:03 He’s like yeah, the par was $5 but 995 was knowing
    0:18:05 where to tap and where to put it.
    0:18:07 And so I think that there’s still a lot
    0:18:10 of this like tacit knowledge and craft and maintenance
    0:18:13 that is gonna be protected against the rise of the machines
    0:18:15 that are gonna replace most of the white collar
    0:18:16 intelligence and knowledge workers.
    0:18:19 – Do you believe, I think it was Zaku who came out
    0:18:22 and said by mid this year, 2025,
    0:18:26 that AI would be as good as a mid-level engineer.
    0:18:27 – Encoding.
    0:18:28 – Encoding.
    0:18:29 – Yeah, for sure.
    0:18:30 – What are the implications of that?
    0:18:34 Walk me through like the next 18 months if that’s true.
    0:18:36 – Well, again, if you take this in the frame
    0:18:38 of Jevons Paradox, then a lot more people are going
    0:18:41 to be able to code in ways that they never have.
    0:18:44 And in fact, I think it was like Andre Caparthi
    0:18:46 who was on Twitter a day or two ago
    0:18:49 talking about who he himself as a coder
    0:18:51 was basically just talking in natural language
    0:18:52 and having the AI, and I forget which one
    0:18:55 he was particularly using, generate code.
    0:18:58 And then if it tweaks something and he wanted to change
    0:19:01 a design and make a particular sidebar
    0:19:02 a little bit thicker or thinner,
    0:19:04 he would just say make the sidebar and it was able
    0:19:05 to do that.
    0:19:08 So I think the accessibility for people who never coded,
    0:19:11 never programmed to be able to come up with an idea
    0:19:12 and say, “Oh, I wish there was an application
    0:19:14 “that could do X, Y and Z to be able to quickly do that.”
    0:19:15 Is great.
    0:19:17 For the big companies who employ many coders
    0:19:20 that are competing at an ever faster speed.
    0:19:21 You know, you have somebody like Mark Benioff
    0:19:23 who’s saying that they’re not hiring any more coders
    0:19:25 at the same time that he’s still talking about
    0:19:27 the primacy of SAS, which is this weird contradiction.
    0:19:30 But I would suspect that maybe you lose 10 to 30%
    0:19:33 of the people that you normally would have hired,
    0:19:35 but the people that are there are still like
    0:19:38 these 10 X coders and now they have a machine
    0:19:40 that’s helping them be like 20 to 100 X.
    0:19:42 Do you think margins go up then
    0:19:43 for a lot of these companies?
    0:19:44 I don’t know.
    0:19:46 I always feel like margins are always fleeting in the sense
    0:19:48 because it’s like a fallow safe composition.
    0:19:50 One company stands up a little bit higher
    0:19:52 and then everybody else is on their tippy toes.
    0:19:54 So I think it just changes the game,
    0:19:57 but I don’t think that you have some like permanent margin.
    0:19:59 The only time you get really large margins
    0:20:02 is when you truly have like a monotonic NVIDIA today.
    0:20:03 Until there’s an alternative,
    0:20:06 whether in architecture or algorithms or in something else,
    0:20:07 you know, they’ve got dominant margins
    0:20:10 because they can charge super high prices
    0:20:12 because there is no alternative.
    0:20:15 So when you have that, there is no alternative,
    0:20:19 but in many domains, given enough time,
    0:20:21 there’s an alternative and then margins just resettle
    0:20:24 and look at cars, you know, the average margin on cars.
    0:20:27 Cars today are 10,000 times better
    0:20:29 by every measure of fuel efficiency,
    0:20:33 comfort, air conditioning, satellite radio,
    0:20:35 but those margins never persisted
    0:20:37 as being like permanently high.
    0:20:38 I always come back to sort of buff it
    0:20:40 in the ’60s with the loom, right?
    0:20:42 I always relate everything to the loom
    0:20:43 ’cause everybody was coming to him
    0:20:44 when he first took control and they’re like,
    0:20:45 “Oh, we got this new technology.”
    0:20:47 And he’s like, “Yeah, but all the benefits
    0:20:49 “gonna go to the customer, it’s not gonna go to me.”
    0:20:52 I mean, look at AI right now.
    0:20:54 Billions of dollars being spent.
    0:20:56 All the foundation models, all the competition,
    0:20:57 the second that deep seat comes out,
    0:21:00 it suddenly accelerated the internal strategic decisions
    0:21:02 from open AI of when are we gonna release models?
    0:21:06 And so the flurry of all of this benefits us as consumers,
    0:21:07 always and everywhere.
    0:21:11 And so we were looking at internally
    0:21:13 installing some new AI system
    0:21:16 to surface all of our disparate documents.
    0:21:17 And there’s a bunch of these.
    0:21:22 And our Gmail, our Slack, our Google Docs,
    0:21:23 our PDFs, our legal agreements
    0:21:25 and just have a repository with permissions
    0:21:28 and all this, and it’s expensive
    0:21:29 in part because going back to that
    0:21:31 Univerance arbitrage, somebody could charge us
    0:21:33 a lot of money to do that implementation.
    0:21:35 And my default was just wait.
    0:21:36 Why don’t we wait six months?
    0:21:37 Because this is gonna be available
    0:21:40 from all of the major LLM providers today
    0:21:42 that want to get the enterprise accounts.
    0:21:44 And let’s just wait and they’ll compete and compete
    0:21:46 and it will accrue to us as users.
    0:21:47 – Talk to me about all these models.
    0:21:50 People are spending hundreds of billions,
    0:21:52 if not trillions of dollars around the globe,
    0:21:54 competing on a model.
    0:21:56 Do you think that’s the basis of competition
    0:21:57 or how does that play out?
    0:22:00 And then you have Zaku’s trying to open source it
    0:22:03 and he spent, I don’t know what 60 to a hundred billion
    0:22:07 probably by the end of June this year, open sourcing it.
    0:22:08 So he’s basically like,
    0:22:09 I wouldn’t say he’s doing it for free,
    0:22:11 but what’s the strategy there?
    0:22:14 – First you have just straight head-to-head competition,
    0:22:15 you know, Anthropic and Claude
    0:22:18 and Chajapiti and opening AI and others.
    0:22:20 Then you have sovereign models.
    0:22:21 So there are countries that are saying
    0:22:24 we don’t want to be beholden to the US or to China.
    0:22:27 We find a company in Japan called Sakana.
    0:22:27 This is one of the lead authors
    0:22:30 from the Google Transformer and a guy, David Ha
    0:22:32 and just incredible team.
    0:22:34 And they are actually trying to do
    0:22:37 these super efficient novel architecture.
    0:22:37 So they’re not trying to treat
    0:22:39 in these multi-hundred thousand clusters.
    0:22:40 Their latest model,
    0:22:42 which was based on this evolutionary technique
    0:22:45 was like eight GPUs, which was wild.
    0:22:46 So that’s one trend.
    0:22:48 But on the strategic question for Zaku,
    0:22:50 I actually think that he’s probably playing
    0:22:52 at the smartest of everybody, which is,
    0:22:53 and he’s been open about this.
    0:22:56 We’re going to open source the models with Lama
    0:22:58 and we’re going to let people develop on them.
    0:23:01 Why? Because the real value is going to be
    0:23:04 in the repository of data.
    0:23:06 Longitudinal data, deep data.
    0:23:07 If you go back 10, 15 years,
    0:23:09 like the number one thing in tech was big data,
    0:23:10 big data, big data, okay?
    0:23:12 Well, now if you actually have big data,
    0:23:14 you want to use whatever models are out there
    0:23:16 to run on your proprietary silo of data.
    0:23:18 So the people that I think are going to be advantaged,
    0:23:19 Meta, why?
    0:23:21 They’ve got all my WhatsApp messages.
    0:23:23 Apple doesn’t, Meta does.
    0:23:25 They’ve got all my Instagram likes and preferences
    0:23:27 and every detail of how long I spend
    0:23:29 and linger on something and what I post
    0:23:30 and all of that content.
    0:23:32 My Facebook, which I don’t really use anymore
    0:23:34 other than when Instagram, you know, cross posts to it.
    0:23:36 But that is super valuable.
    0:23:39 And they care about that in part
    0:23:43 because Zaku needs to route around both Apple and Google.
    0:23:44 He does not have a device.
    0:23:47 I mean, you’ve got Oculus and MetaQuest and whatnot,
    0:23:48 but that’s not the one.
    0:23:51 This Orion with the neural band
    0:23:53 from the company control labs that we funded,
    0:23:55 which was for the non-invasive brain machine interface
    0:23:57 to be able to use free gestures,
    0:23:59 which is an absolute directional arrow of progress, right?
    0:24:02 Disintermediating the control surfaces you have,
    0:24:03 remote controls and all that kind of stuff
    0:24:05 and just being able to gesture, map a device
    0:24:08 to your human body is absolutely the trend.
    0:24:10 But he’s thinking about how do I route around these devices
    0:24:12 and how do I have a long repository
    0:24:13 of everybody’s information
    0:24:15 and use the best model that’s out there.
    0:24:16 And the great thing about open source
    0:24:18 is it’ll continue to improve over time.
    0:24:20 So I think that that’s a winning strategy.
    0:24:22 I think the people that are continuing
    0:24:23 to develop ever better models
    0:24:25 unless they have proprietary data
    0:24:27 are gonna be sort of screwed.
    0:24:28 Bloomberg should do really well.
    0:24:31 I mean, the huge amount of proprietary information,
    0:24:33 all the acquisitions that they’ve done over time,
    0:24:36 being able to normalize merger data
    0:24:37 and historic information
    0:24:40 and the longitude of price information
    0:24:42 and correlations between different asset classes,
    0:24:46 being able to run AI on top of that is like a quant’s dream.
    0:24:50 So I think that people that have hospital systems
    0:24:52 arguably some governments have used efficiently,
    0:24:55 but anybody that has a proprietary source of information,
    0:24:57 clinical trials, failed experiments
    0:24:59 inside of pharma companies,
    0:25:02 being able to do that is the real gold.
    0:25:05 And the large language models are effectively like,
    0:25:07 over time, I think going to trend towards zero
    0:25:09 in a commodity excavator of that data.
    0:25:11 So the mode is really in the data.
    0:25:12 I think so.
    0:25:14 Because everything will be sort of comparable
    0:25:15 running on top of that.
    0:25:17 The data sitting by itself is like an oil well
    0:25:20 that isn’t mined, you know, we’re not gas finding,
    0:25:21 that is in fact.
    0:25:23 So it needs to be extracted.
    0:25:25 And I think that most likely open source,
    0:25:27 but in some cases enterprise partnerships
    0:25:29 between anthropic or open AI
    0:25:32 with some of these siloed data sets
    0:25:34 will unleash a lot of value.
    0:25:35 – So aside from meta,
    0:25:38 what counterintuitive sort of public companies
    0:25:42 would you say have like really interesting data sources?
    0:25:43 – Ah, that’s a good question.
    0:25:45 I haven’t really spent a lot of time on that
    0:25:49 to figure out who’s got crazy amounts of proprietary data.
    0:25:50 Pharma would be a good one
    0:25:52 because obviously they’re, you know,
    0:25:54 tracking both their successful
    0:25:56 but their unsuccessful clinical trials.
    0:25:59 There’s a lot of information in the unsuccessful data,
    0:26:01 like the things that fail that you can learn from.
    0:26:02 You could argue that Tesla, of course,
    0:26:04 who I’m very publicly critical of,
    0:26:05 like if they truly are collecting
    0:26:09 a ton of road user data from,
    0:26:11 you know, every Tesla that’s being driven,
    0:26:12 that would be valuable.
    0:26:14 Anything where there’s a collection,
    0:26:17 a set of sensors, a repository of information
    0:26:19 that is owned by them.
    0:26:21 Anything that we’ve signed off on that, you know,
    0:26:25 your data is free for us to use, like meta.
    0:26:26 – You think of Tesla,
    0:26:28 they should have the best mapping software in the world.
    0:26:32 They literally like drive millions of miles every day.
    0:26:33 They can update everything.
    0:26:34 They can locate police.
    0:26:36 They can locate speed cameras.
    0:26:37 They can get real time traffic.
    0:26:38 – Weather patterns, yeah, totally.
    0:26:39 – Yeah.
    0:26:41 – But okay, the flip side of that though, right?
    0:26:45 Taking sort of like the opposite view for a moment, Netflix.
    0:26:46 Netflix has all of our viewing data.
    0:26:47 They know what we like.
    0:26:48 They know what you like.
    0:26:50 They can make a perfect set of channels for you.
    0:26:53 And the recommendations are reasonably good approximations
    0:26:55 of adjacencies to things that you liked,
    0:26:57 but they haven’t been successful,
    0:27:01 nor has the human algorithm at say HBO in the past,
    0:27:04 of like perfectly creating the next show
    0:27:06 that you really want to see.
    0:27:09 And what’s interesting about that is,
    0:27:11 they’ve put a lot of money into this,
    0:27:14 but it hasn’t yielded the recipe maker
    0:27:16 for like the next perfect show.
    0:27:18 And oftentimes the thing that you want to see
    0:27:20 is almost something that’s orthogonal
    0:27:22 from what you’ve been watching.
    0:27:27 Like I heard Anthony Mackie, who’s in the latest Marvel movie
    0:27:29 talking about an expectation that he’ll be,
    0:27:30 somebody was like, how long do you think
    0:27:32 you’ll be doing Marvel movies?
    0:27:34 And he’s like, oh, I think probably like the next 10 years.
    0:27:37 And I’m like, probably two or three,
    0:27:38 because people are just bored of this stuff after a while.
    0:27:41 Like nobody wants to see another,
    0:27:42 I don’t want to see another Marvel movie.
    0:27:45 I like the adjacency of like The Boys,
    0:27:47 which was like the dark superhero kind of movie.
    0:27:50 And I think trying to find groups
    0:27:52 that have proprietary data
    0:27:56 that have some predictive value,
    0:27:58 the most value probably for society,
    0:28:00 I don’t know if it’ll be entirely captured by companies,
    0:28:03 is just all the scientific information that we have.
    0:28:04 Because I’m absolutely convinced
    0:28:09 that we are going to have machines doing science 24/7.
    0:28:10 – Well, so talk to me a little bit about,
    0:28:12 I want to come back to Tesla in a sec,
    0:28:13 but let’s go down the science that,
    0:28:16 why has nobody sort of taken every study published
    0:28:19 in a domain say Alzheimer’s research,
    0:28:22 popped it into GPT and be like, where are we wrong?
    0:28:25 What studies have been fabricated or proven not true
    0:28:27 that we’re investing research in, right?
    0:28:29 Like, ’cause studies get built on studies and studies.
    0:28:32 And so if something from the 80s came out
    0:28:33 and it’s like completely false,
    0:28:37 we’ve probably spent $20 billion down this rabbit hole.
    0:28:39 And what’s the next most likely thing to work?
    0:28:41 Is anybody doing that?
    0:28:43 – I have to imagine they are because deep research
    0:28:46 came out today or in the past 24 hours from OpenAI,
    0:28:48 which is sort of their model with a better engine,
    0:28:50 so to speak, than Google’s deep research,
    0:28:51 which itself was impressive,
    0:28:53 both because of its ability to search many sources
    0:28:55 and then the ability to sort of,
    0:28:57 I think it was either there or through Nopakellum
    0:28:58 to conjure the podcast,
    0:29:01 which at first was a static presentation
    0:29:03 of near human quality voice,
    0:29:04 but now you can interrupt it like a radio call,
    0:29:05 which is super cool.
    0:29:10 But you can say go through the past 15 years of PNAS papers,
    0:29:14 or science and nature papers around this particular topic
    0:29:16 and find correlations between papers
    0:29:18 that do not cite each other
    0:29:20 or tell me any spurious correlations.
    0:29:21 And the beauty of all of that
    0:29:24 on sort of the information or informatics side
    0:29:27 is eventually you will have a materials
    0:29:29 and methods output of that,
    0:29:32 that you can feed into something like bench-ling
    0:29:35 or some of the automated lab players
    0:29:37 to actually say like run the experiment.
    0:29:40 So I’m absolutely convinced, like high-certitude,
    0:29:42 I don’t know exactly which company will do it.
    0:29:44 We’ve invested in some, they haven’t worked,
    0:29:46 we’ll invest in more, hopefully they will.
    0:29:49 But this directional hour of progress of the idea
    0:29:54 by analogy of machines doing science 24/7 automated
    0:29:55 is going to happen.
    0:29:56 I’ll give you one or two analogies.
    0:30:00 If you were a musician back in the day,
    0:30:01 you know, if you and I were starting a band,
    0:30:04 we would have to go and get studio time here in New York City
    0:30:05 or Electric Ladyland or whatever,
    0:30:07 you bring your instruments, okay,
    0:30:09 maybe you could rent the instruments there
    0:30:12 and then GarageBand and Logic and Pro Tools pops up.
    0:30:15 And now we don’t have to be in the same physical space.
    0:30:17 My instrument is virtualized.
    0:30:20 I can create a temporal sequence of notes.
    0:30:22 I can layer them in, you could play drums,
    0:30:23 you could do vocals, blah, blah, blah, okay.
    0:30:25 Science is the same thing.
    0:30:26 I can be on the beach in the Bahamas
    0:30:28 and conjure a hypothesis
    0:30:31 and use one of the AIs to test the hypothesis
    0:30:34 and look at past literature searches,
    0:30:36 see freedom to operate, see if there’s white space
    0:30:39 and then tell one of these cloud labs
    0:30:41 that is literally like sending something to AWS
    0:30:44 back in the day and say, run this experiment.
    0:30:46 And the beauty of this is the robot will do the,
    0:30:48 well, here’s the beauty, the virtue of the vice.
    0:30:49 The robot will do the experiment
    0:30:51 and it should do it perfectly because it’s digital
    0:30:54 and it’s high fidelity.
    0:30:56 The vice is so much scientific breakthrough
    0:30:59 has often happened because of serendipitous screw ups.
    0:31:02 And so you want almost to engineer
    0:31:04 like a temperature on an AI model,
    0:31:06 a little bit of stochastic randomness
    0:31:08 so that the machine can sort of screw it up
    0:31:09 to see what might happen because, you know,
    0:31:13 penicillin and Viagra and rubber and Vulcan,
    0:31:15 all these things happen by like random processes
    0:31:17 and then post-fact, we’re like, huh, that’s funny.
    0:31:19 And then, you know, you run with it.
    0:31:22 But then the machine will say, here’s the results.
    0:31:23 And it will then reverse prompt you
    0:31:25 and say, do you want to run the experiment again
    0:31:27 but changing the titration of this
    0:31:28 to 10 milliliters instead of five?
    0:31:30 And you just click a button from the beach
    0:31:31 and you’re like, yes, and the robots run it.
    0:31:35 Whoever ends up creating and building that,
    0:31:36 I think is going to make a fortune.
    0:31:37 – Well, you don’t even have to decide.
    0:31:39 The robots could decide, yes, right?
    0:31:40 – Totally.
    0:31:41 – And you’re sort of out of the loop
    0:31:42 and it just outputs science.
    0:31:43 – Totally.
    0:31:45 – That would be so interesting.
    0:31:46 Before we get to that point,
    0:31:47 we’ll probably get to the point
    0:31:49 where models make themselves better.
    0:31:51 Is that the point where it really starts
    0:31:54 to go like parabolic almost?
    0:31:55 – I don’t know.
    0:31:58 I definitely see that models can improve
    0:32:01 ’cause you can even argue like deep seeks R1
    0:32:03 is a model that was improving upon outputs
    0:32:06 from chat GPT and so on.
    0:32:08 So I definitely think that there will be
    0:32:10 this recursive improvement,
    0:32:14 but you’re still going back to being rate limited by time
    0:32:17 and biological or chemical reactions.
    0:32:20 You still need to instantiate this
    0:32:21 into a physical experiment.
    0:32:23 And so you can model and simulate all you want,
    0:32:26 but then you actually have to like do the thing
    0:32:27 and make the compound.
    0:32:31 And so those still take steps and organic chemistry
    0:32:33 and there’s like 20 reaction steps
    0:32:36 and people optimize to like reduce them down to six.
    0:32:38 And you still need the physical reagents
    0:32:41 and the right temperature and the experimental design.
    0:32:43 So I still think that that’s gonna be the bottleneck,
    0:32:46 but for sure like the ideation and experimental design
    0:32:49 is gonna, that’s just gonna absolutely explode.
    0:32:52 And then you’ll have these automated labs
    0:32:53 with lots of different instruments
    0:32:55 where robots will be able to take out
    0:32:57 a sample from a centrifuge and put it into the next thing.
    0:33:00 And like you don’t need humans to do that
    0:33:02 any more than you need humans to assemble
    0:33:04 sophisticated iPhones.
    0:33:05 I mean, we still have very cheap labor
    0:33:06 and Foxconn factories in China
    0:33:08 and Vietnam and elsewhere now doing that,
    0:33:11 but there’s no reason for that over time.
    0:33:12 Isn’t that low hanging fruit though?
    0:33:15 Just like look at all the work that we’ve done so far
    0:33:17 and tell us where we’re on the right track
    0:33:19 and where we’re sort of like we’re going astray.
    0:33:21 And like there’s nothing preventing that
    0:33:22 from happening today.
    0:33:24 I mean, it’s very like David Doi chains.
    0:33:25 Like if it obeys the laws of physics,
    0:33:27 that should be possible, there’s nothing about this
    0:33:29 that is like totally speculative and fantastical
    0:33:31 that it doesn’t obey the laws of physics.
    0:33:33 – The other project that I wanted to,
    0:33:35 I was thinking about sort of doing
    0:33:38 is just calling like a prior art.org or something
    0:33:41 and having AI read through all the patents
    0:33:44 and make the next adjacent sort of like patent like
    0:33:46 improvement and then just publish it
    0:33:47 ’cause then there’s prior art.
    0:33:48 – Right.
    0:33:50 Well, yeah, there will for sure be AI patent trolls
    0:33:52 if you put it negatively.
    0:33:53 – This would dissuade that.
    0:33:55 I mean, in a sense, it would sort of be making
    0:33:59 prior art for as much as you can 24/7.
    0:34:01 – There are companies that do this
    0:34:02 where they have creative patent filers
    0:34:04 for continuations in part so that they can keep
    0:34:06 sort of the life of this going.
    0:34:10 But the rise of agentic AI,
    0:34:13 you can have some crazy idea, some brain fart it,
    0:34:15 you know, 9/30, 10 o’clock a night.
    0:34:17 And you just had, you know, cocktail with friends.
    0:34:20 You’re like, oh, like imagine, you know, if that exists.
    0:34:22 Well, do the research, does this exist?
    0:34:25 And if it doesn’t exist, can you, you know, write a patent
    0:34:27 and sketch a diagram for me and file it
    0:34:29 and starting incorporate a company.
    0:34:31 Now, all those things have to go at the speed
    0:34:33 of like certain processes,
    0:34:35 but all of that could be done overnight
    0:34:36 where you literally wake up
    0:34:39 and there are multiple agents working on your behalf
    0:34:42 that have filed a patent, created a design,
    0:34:45 incorporated a company, possibly even put it out
    0:34:48 to some group and raised money for it overnight
    0:34:49 that have opted into it.
    0:34:52 And I don’t know if there was like successful enough
    0:34:53 and it hit a bunch of criteria.
    0:34:57 I might allocate some capital into an account
    0:35:01 to allow a robot AI to actually receive pitches,
    0:35:03 respond to it and create a small portfolio
    0:35:04 to allocate as an experiment.
    0:35:07 So you can see this whole thing is just like a human idea
    0:35:10 or maybe one inspired by interactions with an AI
    0:35:13 that by the time you wake up, you have a company started
    0:35:17 and the basis for people to actually do work.
    0:35:20 Like that in 10 or 20 years, people look back
    0:35:23 and be like, how did we not see that coming?
    0:35:24 And look at all the jobs that are being created
    0:35:27 because every single person is now creating
    0:35:29 and has like six virtual companies.
    0:35:31 – The future is gonna be wild.
    0:35:32 – Yeah.
    0:35:34 – Talk to me, let’s go back to Tesla for a second.
    0:35:36 Why the hate on Tesla?
    0:35:40 – Let me say, I think Elon is amazing at certain things.
    0:35:45 Elon is arguably the greatest storyteller fundraiser
    0:35:50 inspiration for anybody in the past, maybe in all time.
    0:35:53 Truly, I think his relationship with the truth
    0:35:55 has been questionable.
    0:35:58 And so in Tesla particularly, I think there was a time
    0:36:01 where the short sellers started to identify things
    0:36:03 not because they just hated the company
    0:36:04 or hated the future or any of this.
    0:36:06 And he was able to very shrewdly weaponize
    0:36:08 the us versus them.
    0:36:10 They’re trying to kill us, right?
    0:36:11 Most short sellers that I know
    0:36:13 happen to be very disaffected people
    0:36:15 and they have a chip on their shoulder.
    0:36:19 And to me, the motivating force
    0:36:21 and the incentive for them is not that
    0:36:25 they just want to make money, but they want to be right.
    0:36:27 And they want to be right because they’ve identified
    0:36:30 somebody that they think is intentionally doing wrong.
    0:36:32 It’s the same thing as an investigative journalist.
    0:36:36 It’s the same thing as a opposition research
    0:36:37 for a politician.
    0:36:38 It’s the same thing for somebody
    0:36:43 that is trying to debunk a Sunday preacher charlatan
    0:36:46 that basically is almost intellectually competitive
    0:36:49 to say you are trying to pull the wool
    0:36:52 over these people’s eyes and I know what you’re doing
    0:36:54 and I’m going to call you out on it.
    0:36:58 And so for me with Tesla, I think that they got away
    0:37:00 with accounting fraud on warranty reserves
    0:37:02 and a whole bunch of other things.
    0:37:04 I think there was a lot of presided digitization
    0:37:07 and magic of look over here while we’re doing this.
    0:37:10 And today it doesn’t matter because they got away with it.
    0:37:14 But I think that there was not the same kind of honesty
    0:37:18 that I would ascribe to Jeff Bezos in how he built Amazon
    0:37:21 and raised a few hundred million dollars of equity.
    0:37:22 You could look at stock-based compensation.
    0:37:24 You could look at debt as capitalization,
    0:37:29 but created this monster that is profitable cashflow positive
    0:37:31 and never raised another dollar of equity.
    0:37:33 And Elon raised north of $50 billion,
    0:37:38 took out $50 billion, treated it like an ATM,
    0:37:40 said I’m never selling a share and sold lots of shares.
    0:37:43 And then whether he had to do it to buy Twitter or whatever.
    0:37:46 I just, I don’t feel it was done as honestly
    0:37:48 as other entrepreneurs that I greatly admire.
    0:37:51 Now that said, SpaceX, I have no issue with.
    0:37:53 I think SpaceX is an extraordinary company.
    0:37:57 I think it’s an incredibly important American company.
    0:37:59 I think without it, we would be at a massive disadvantage.
    0:38:01 I think it is truly a national treasure,
    0:38:03 run by Gwynne Shotwell, incredible engineers.
    0:38:05 We’ve backed a bunch of these engineers
    0:38:07 that have come out from Tom Mueller
    0:38:10 to that I just, I think the world of.
    0:38:13 I’ve just, yeah, I’ve been much more critical
    0:38:15 about Elon’s relationship with the truth
    0:38:17 as it came to Tesla and in many ways,
    0:38:19 I felt like the whole thing was unnecessary.
    0:38:21 – Do you think those are one-time things
    0:38:23 or they’re systemic and they crop up
    0:38:24 every few months or something?
    0:38:25 – In his personality?
    0:38:26 – Yeah.
    0:38:27 – He’s past the stratosphere now.
    0:38:32 Like it’s, you know, he’s proximate to power in ways
    0:38:34 that people can’t compete with.
    0:38:39 If you’re an investor in or you’re Sam Altman in open AI,
    0:38:40 you’re not only worried about competition,
    0:38:42 you’re worrying about a personal grudge
    0:38:44 from somebody who has the ear of the president
    0:38:48 that can weaponize all kinds of systems of power
    0:38:51 from the DOJ to the FTC to the FBI.
    0:38:54 And I would be very nervous
    0:38:56 being an adversary with that kind of power.
    0:38:57 So.
    0:38:58 – Altman came out and said he didn’t think
    0:39:01 Elon would use that power against him.
    0:39:03 – Which is a nice and smart thing
    0:39:06 and a necessary thing to say publicly.
    0:39:07 And I think that Elon has even said like,
    0:39:09 I won’t use that, but.
    0:39:11 – What’s the saying, power corrupts?
    0:39:12 – Yeah, an absolute power corrupts, absolutely.
    0:39:15 But I don’t know, like you’re in a position
    0:39:20 of power at DOJ and OMB and Office of Personnel
    0:39:23 and are you, and you have influence
    0:39:26 and you can shut some of these things down.
    0:39:27 Does Elon love the SEC?
    0:39:31 You know, he’s been pretty vocal about that institution.
    0:39:35 Does he love the National Highway Transit Safety?
    0:39:37 So if these things are gutted, you know,
    0:39:39 I think you’ve got more free reign
    0:39:41 to shut down criticism.
    0:39:43 You know, you’ve got similarly the best entrepreneurs
    0:39:47 when short sellers are like, you know, saying something,
    0:39:48 they don’t want to ban short selling.
    0:39:50 They don’t want short sellers to be arrested.
    0:39:52 They just prove them wrong.
    0:39:53 And so.
    0:39:55 – My favorite story about that was Brad Jacobs
    0:39:59 and his, the short report came out at the stop draw.
    0:40:04 Precipitously, he borrowed $2 billion, bought back shares.
    0:40:06 – Yeah, this is big skin in the game, right?
    0:40:07 – Right, totally.
    0:40:09 – We’re gonna double down and go forward.
    0:40:12 I think he turned that two into 10 or eight or something.
    0:40:13 Like it was just crazy.
    0:40:15 – So for me, I don’t know, 13 or so,
    0:40:19 like after I was bar mitzvah, I became atheist.
    0:40:22 And I just wouldn’t, I would see like these preachers
    0:40:24 exploiting people.
    0:40:26 It just like irked me and it irked me in this.
    0:40:28 It wasn’t in some, I reflected on this over the years.
    0:40:32 It wasn’t in some virtuous holier than now kind of thing.
    0:40:33 It was intellectually competitive.
    0:40:35 It’s like, I see what you’re doing.
    0:40:38 You’re running a con and I wanna call it out.
    0:40:41 And it wasn’t rooted in like self virtue
    0:40:43 of like pursuit of truth.
    0:40:45 The real thing when I like thought about it is,
    0:40:48 no, I wanna show that you’re cheating people.
    0:40:50 – Short sellers are necessary to a well-functioning market,
    0:40:51 right? – I think so.
    0:40:52 – We need to hear both sides of the story
    0:40:54 and make our own judgments and decisions.
    0:40:56 What point do you think that computers
    0:40:58 are gonna really make most of the investing decisions?
    0:41:02 – Well, you could argue today they are,
    0:41:04 not because they’re doing reasoning and analysis
    0:41:06 and fundamental work, but because the structure
    0:41:11 of the market is so dominated by passive indexation.
    0:41:13 And that is effectively an algorithm.
    0:41:18 And that algorithm says $1 in buy, $1 out sell.
    0:41:21 And in both cases, indiscriminately.
    0:41:24 And so you just have a flood of money
    0:41:27 that goes into the market and these indices buy everything.
    0:41:29 And it becomes this massive market cap weighted,
    0:41:32 accelerant and then people say sell
    0:41:33 and then the money just comes out.
    0:41:36 So the past, I don’t know, 10 plus years
    0:41:37 where this has really become the case
    0:41:40 with Fidelity and BlackRock and State Tree
    0:41:42 and others that the ETFs, which were well-intentioned,
    0:41:44 you know, you go and listen to Buffett back in the day.
    0:41:46 It’s like, just put it in the market, right?
    0:41:49 It’s hard for active managers to out-compete.
    0:41:52 Definitely the case for the past 10 or 15 years.
    0:41:55 But I do think that we will see a return
    0:41:59 to active managers that are able to discriminate
    0:42:01 true fundamentals in part because I think
    0:42:03 that the cost of capital is just going to rise
    0:42:06 and all the funny money of the past 10 years
    0:42:07 is going to wash out.
    0:42:09 – Two questions, two rabbit holes.
    0:42:09 I want to go down here.
    0:42:11 One, at what point do you think active managers
    0:42:14 and analysts is replaced by AI in the same way
    0:42:17 that Zuck is saying an engineer at Metta
    0:42:19 is going to be replaced by AI?
    0:42:23 – Already, there are AIs that can not only go through Qs
    0:42:27 and Ks, 10 Qs and 10 Ks and can listen
    0:42:30 to quarterly earnings reports and CEOs
    0:42:33 that are talking at conferences or on podcasts
    0:42:35 and can get an emotional sentiment,
    0:42:37 can see where they’re varying their language
    0:42:40 in ways that only the subtlest of analysts in the past
    0:42:42 or portfolio manager could do.
    0:42:44 And I think the most valuable thing that AI is going to do
    0:42:47 when you ask it questions and it comes up with the answers
    0:42:49 and assuming those answers are accurate
    0:42:51 and cross-correlated and double-checked,
    0:42:55 they actually say, here’s the five questions you didn’t ask.
    0:42:58 And so that is going to unleash real insight.
    0:43:00 Now, there is still this human aspect
    0:43:03 of being able to look at somebody and decide,
    0:43:05 do I trust them or not?
    0:43:10 And I think that the best analysts are able to say,
    0:43:12 very Buffett-like or Joel Greenblatt-like,
    0:43:14 is this a good business?
    0:43:15 And there’s ways to measure that,
    0:43:17 like a fundamentally good business,
    0:43:18 even if an idiot was running it,
    0:43:21 and then do I think it’s had a good price
    0:43:23 and is therefore my expected return going to be high
    0:43:25 and do I trust the people that are running it
    0:43:27 because ultimately I am allocating capital to them
    0:43:29 in the same way that somebody allocates capital to us.
    0:43:31 I like the virtue of our private markets
    0:43:34 because I am less, we’re still beholden,
    0:43:37 but far less beholden to a day-to-day market,
    0:43:42 Mr. Market, fluctuation of manic depressive positivity
    0:43:44 or pessimism.
    0:43:46 We have 10-year locked funds.
    0:43:48 We’re able to make long-term bets.
    0:43:50 It’s arguably this great source of time arbitrage
    0:43:52 when everybody else is looking and discounting back a year
    0:43:54 or 18 months or two years.
    0:43:57 But you think about the three main sources of edge
    0:43:58 and we’ve talked about this in the past,
    0:44:01 but informational, analytical, and behavioral.
    0:44:04 Informational advantage used to exist a long time ago,
    0:44:08 regulations like Reg FD and avoidance of insider trading
    0:44:12 and information that tried to equalize the playing field
    0:44:15 in addition to a huge influx of really brilliant people
    0:44:19 that are able to use cutting edge data tools.
    0:44:21 Having an information advantage is really hard.
    0:44:23 Having an analytic advantage where AI can play a role
    0:44:26 in that, let’s assume we all have the same information
    0:44:28 and I don’t have any better intel or information.
    0:44:30 Like for example, just inside on the information advantage,
    0:44:33 there was a hedge fund, which I won’t name,
    0:44:36 which was very cleverly going and actually buying stuff
    0:44:38 online from Adobe.
    0:44:41 Every time they did, they got a piece of legal
    0:44:45 inside information, which is Adobe’s web URL,
    0:44:49 actually, when you made a purchase for Creative Cloud,
    0:44:52 would tell you 4,723 or whatever.
    0:44:54 And then like six hours later, they would go,
    0:44:56 and it was like 4,000,000, and so they could infer
    0:45:00 and extrapolate what the sales were based on this
    0:45:02 because when they bought it six days later
    0:45:04 or six hours later or whatever they saw
    0:45:07 where they were in the queue and you can sort of extrapolate.
    0:45:10 That was legal to do, but once that signal leaks out
    0:45:11 and somebody’s like, oh, that’s a clever way
    0:45:15 to figure that out, then it rapidly erodes.
    0:45:17 So informational advantage, hard analytical advantage,
    0:45:20 brilliant people combined with brilliant technology,
    0:45:22 really hard, and then it goes into this last one,
    0:45:25 which is the behavioral, and that, to me,
    0:45:27 is the persistent thing.
    0:45:30 Now, AIs over time will understand us in many ways better
    0:45:32 than we understand ourselves.
    0:45:35 Google already arguably knows more about you
    0:45:37 than the closest people in your life based on the things
    0:45:40 that you search for, search in private for,
    0:45:41 and AI will as well.
    0:45:44 And already there’s an eerie moment that I appreciate
    0:45:47 because I’ve given myself over to the information gods.
    0:45:51 There’s a required energy to try to maintain privacy,
    0:45:53 and I just feel like it’s not worth it.
    0:45:55 We can talk about privacy ’cause most people basically
    0:45:57 just wanna keep private, their sex life,
    0:46:00 their bathroom time, and how much money they have,
    0:46:03 unless you are super rich or super poor.
    0:46:05 Because if you’re super rich, you broadcast.
    0:46:08 You’re on the Forbes 100, 400.
    0:46:09 You’re showing the house you just bought,
    0:46:11 the art you just bought, you’re signaling your wealth.
    0:46:14 And if you’re broke, then you’re really poor.
    0:46:15 There’s people that are on Twitter like,
    0:46:17 I’m dead ass broke, I have no money,
    0:46:19 and they literally, it’s the people that are in the middle
    0:46:21 that are middle class, but want people to think
    0:46:23 that they’re upper class, or people that, you know.
    0:46:26 And so everything else for privacy,
    0:46:27 I think is like out the window.
    0:46:30 But the reason I was saying this is,
    0:46:32 I’ve given myself over to the information gods,
    0:46:35 and when I go to ChatGPT, because it has memory,
    0:46:36 and it’s constantly updating it,
    0:46:38 there are times where I remember this thing,
    0:46:39 and I’m like, how did you know that?
    0:46:41 And I forgot that it was like from a search three months ago
    0:46:43 where I mentioned something about my kids,
    0:46:44 and a place that I like to vacation.
    0:46:46 And part of me actually appreciates
    0:46:48 that that repository is compounding,
    0:46:51 but it does sort of scare you
    0:46:54 because I remember the things that we talked about.
    0:46:56 And then if you were like, oh, like I heard you went to that,
    0:46:57 I’d be like, well, who’d you hear that from?
    0:47:00 But now if I asked the AI, who’d you hear that from?
    0:47:01 It would be like, you, you told me that.
    0:47:04 – You told me, wait ’til it gets on your device.
    0:47:05 – Exactly.
    0:47:07 – And then, okay, well, let’s go back up this rabbit hole
    0:47:11 a little bit here, back to passive indexation.
    0:47:13 So the rise of this is really post 2010, right?
    0:47:16 The mass rise of passive indexing.
    0:47:20 We’ve never seen, well, we did during COVID,
    0:47:22 but there was so much money thrown into the system.
    0:47:25 What do you think the second, third order effects of this
    0:47:28 will be, especially in terms of volatility
    0:47:30 or something unforeseen?
    0:47:34 – Well, you saw this a little bit with just how quickly
    0:47:38 the market reacted with a single largest one day loss
    0:47:41 of five, six, 700 billion dollars within video,
    0:47:43 just because of the fear over deep seek.
    0:47:47 The fear was a cascading, traditional information cascade.
    0:47:49 Oh my gosh, what does this mean for the expectations
    0:47:53 we have about demand for compute and CAPEX
    0:47:54 and the expenditures that people are gonna have?
    0:47:57 Do we need to rethink this mental model?
    0:48:00 And so I think that there’ll be things like that,
    0:48:03 that whipsaw and shock people.
    0:48:05 – Did they become reflexive at some point?
    0:48:08 Like maybe at 500 million or 500 billion,
    0:48:12 it didn’t, but had that hit 700 or 800 or a trillion,
    0:48:16 like does it then start the auto selling and the,
    0:48:17 – That’s a good question.
    0:48:18 I don’t know.
    0:48:21 Obviously systems where there are significant leverage
    0:48:23 in the system are ones that are most prone to that,
    0:48:25 these sort of Minsky moments where, you know,
    0:48:26 things are going fine, going fine,
    0:48:28 and then suddenly they just collapse.
    0:48:30 And usually that’s where you have a lot of leverage
    0:48:31 in the system.
    0:48:32 And sometimes it’s hidden leverage.
    0:48:34 I don’t know other than some of the two extra,
    0:48:39 three X lever ETFs that that’s the case in traditional market.
    0:48:42 But where does this go from here?
    0:48:45 – I’m not sure on the passive active piece,
    0:48:50 what will break this other than if you were to have
    0:48:53 widespread news reports of a handful of active managers
    0:48:56 that are suddenly beating the market, you know, decisively,
    0:48:59 and they’re pointing to the structure of the market.
    0:49:02 And so there’s a rebalancing where people start
    0:49:04 to shift out of these things.
    0:49:05 On the volatility piece,
    0:49:08 what’s interesting is over the past five, six, seven years,
    0:49:10 maybe five especially,
    0:49:14 a lot of LPs, allocators have gone into private credit,
    0:49:16 have gone into private equity,
    0:49:20 in part because they are mechanisms of muting volatility
    0:49:22 and the vicissitudes of the market
    0:49:24 because you don’t have daily market to market.
    0:49:28 And so there’s been a little bit of this perverse incentive,
    0:49:30 but as Buffett says, you know,
    0:49:32 what the wise do in the beginning, the fool does in the end,
    0:49:33 and then these things get overdone.
    0:49:37 And so I’m actually worried about some of those asset classes
    0:49:39 where private credit in particular,
    0:49:43 I think was wise to do a few years ago and now is overdone.
    0:49:45 You have another phenomenon,
    0:49:47 which is every major sophisticated,
    0:49:51 large private equity firm, Apollo, KKR, Carlisle, et cetera,
    0:49:53 are all starting to think about,
    0:49:56 or are actively thinking about both permanent capital
    0:49:58 in the form of insurance vehicles like Apollo
    0:50:01 and accessing retail in a huge way.
    0:50:04 That many people see retail being the next wave of this.
    0:50:05 – And when you say retail,
    0:50:07 you actually just mean normal day-to-day consumers.
    0:50:10 – Individual investors that might’ve been on Robinhood
    0:50:13 and could never hear before access Apollo or Carlisle,
    0:50:16 but in aggregate, you’re talking about
    0:50:18 trillions of dollars of investor money.
    0:50:21 And so I think that they’re gonna be tapped,
    0:50:22 they’re gonna be into these vehicles.
    0:50:27 That will present new interesting financial vehicles
    0:50:29 because you’re gonna have to find ways
    0:50:31 to give people liquidity for these things.
    0:50:34 And so I’ve heard about some interesting things,
    0:50:36 actually from a friend, Mike Green,
    0:50:39 who I think is a really smart practitioner
    0:50:42 and student of markets.
    0:50:45 He was one of the earliest to this passive active piece.
    0:50:46 He was one of the earliest to understanding
    0:50:49 the mechanisms behind the scenes for the SPAC movement.
    0:50:53 He’s early now to this idea of Uniswap,
    0:50:58 which has a certain mechanism that provides liquidity
    0:51:01 by having, let’s say like 80 or 90% in treasuries
    0:51:03 and 10% in some underlying.
    0:51:07 And you’re able to swap out some illiquid thing
    0:51:09 for effectively some liquid pool up to some point,
    0:51:11 there’s some repricing.
    0:51:14 And he’s been thinking about
    0:51:17 something that like Apollo is doing with State Street
    0:51:19 and that this portends a movement
    0:51:22 into these almost artificial,
    0:51:23 like if I would have talked about ETF 20 years ago,
    0:51:25 people would be like, “What is it?
    0:51:26 Don’t we have mutual funds already?”
    0:51:28 And they’re like, “No, but they’re gonna go super low fee
    0:51:31 and you’ll be able to trade them on a daily basis.”
    0:51:34 There’s something here to watch about the flood
    0:51:38 of retail money that will go into illiquid alts,
    0:51:39 private equity in particular,
    0:51:42 and new vehicles that are formed
    0:51:45 to be able to provide liquidity because of that.
    0:51:48 And I think that that’s both gonna be really interesting
    0:51:49 and potentially to your point,
    0:51:53 creates something that sets up some massive blow up.
    0:51:55 – The other thing that I wanna come back to
    0:51:58 in the rabbit hole here is you mentioned
    0:52:01 persistent advantage is behavioral.
    0:52:02 – Yes.
    0:52:04 – Talk about that in the context of humans
    0:52:06 and how do we create an unfair advantage
    0:52:08 in a world of AI for humans?
    0:52:10 Like what are the ways that we can,
    0:52:12 like your kids, like how are you teaching them
    0:52:15 to navigate this in a way that gives them–
    0:52:16 – In advantage.
    0:52:18 – An advantage, a behavioral advantage.
    0:52:21 – So you go back some years and it was like,
    0:52:26 okay, we can still be computers in chess, done.
    0:52:27 We can still beat them and go, done.
    0:52:28 We can beat them in video games, done.
    0:52:31 Okay, but we still have creativity, done.
    0:52:34 Now, of course, human creativity is not dead,
    0:52:37 but every day I am doing something creative on AIs
    0:52:37 that I can’t do.
    0:52:40 I cannot paint, I cannot draw, I cannot conjure.
    0:52:43 I like taking photographs and I like the composition of that.
    0:52:46 But I can engineer prompts,
    0:52:48 which itself is an act of creativity
    0:52:52 and get the most inspiring muses and results.
    0:52:54 And I can take works of art that I like
    0:52:56 and put them in and ask it to describe it
    0:52:59 and do it six times, particularly in like mid-journey,
    0:53:04 and recreate from the prompt some alternative of it.
    0:53:05 There was even an artwork that I loved,
    0:53:09 which was this mixed mash of superheroes
    0:53:11 that looked like it was put through a blender.
    0:53:12 And I was gonna buy the artist’s work
    0:53:15 and then I couldn’t describe it to Lauren, my wife.
    0:53:18 And so I put it into mid-journey and described it.
    0:53:19 And then I just clicked a button
    0:53:21 and it made four versions of it.
    0:53:23 I guess 16 versions ’cause each one was four.
    0:53:25 And it was insane.
    0:53:26 And I was like, why am I gonna buy this?
    0:53:30 ‘Cause I just recreated it and I felt morally bad
    0:53:31 ’cause I wasn’t copying.
    0:53:33 But I had a perfect description of the style.
    0:53:36 And so I thought that that was pretty wild.
    0:53:40 So these are tools that I think kids should be using.
    0:53:40 They should be learning.
    0:53:42 It’s just like a language.
    0:53:45 And I think they need to be versed with it,
    0:53:49 in part to understand the domains to avoid
    0:53:54 because they’re gonna be not void of emotional
    0:53:58 or aesthetic or moral value, but you’re not gonna make money.
    0:54:01 And so my wife and I debate this all the time about dance.
    0:54:03 Dance is amazing.
    0:54:09 We started dating and she took me to this dance thing.
    0:54:12 I was really not into dance at all at Parsons Theater.
    0:54:15 It was this guy, David Parsons at the Joyce.
    0:54:18 And he has this performance called “Caught.”
    0:54:20 And me being into science and technology,
    0:54:21 I’m watching a bunch of people dance.
    0:54:22 I’m not really into it.
    0:54:27 All of a sudden, it’s a weird ambient sound,
    0:54:29 very electronic, very tron-like.
    0:54:33 And there’s a guy in white pants and that’s it.
    0:54:35 And then a strobe light goes on.
    0:54:37 Anyway, and the strobe starts flashing.
    0:54:42 And all you see as a viewer is this person floating in the air.
    0:54:45 But behind the scenes, what they’re really doing is
    0:54:47 jumping, jumping, jumping, jumping perfectly timed
    0:54:49 to the choreography of the strobe.
    0:54:51 So you see them caught,
    0:54:54 but they’re doing this crazy kinetic athletic thing.
    0:54:56 And I was just like, that’s super cool, right?
    0:54:58 Everybody should see this, right?
    0:54:59 And it’s just like inspiring.
    0:55:02 Now that said, we had this debate afterwards
    0:55:04 because she’s like, you know, these dancers make no money.
    0:55:06 And I’m like, well, market forces would say
    0:55:09 that there’s too many dancers or there’s not enough demand.
    0:55:12 And they collect unemployment insurance for half the year
    0:55:14 because they have to work other jobs
    0:55:15 and they don’t have this and it’s just wild.
    0:55:18 And so we got into a debate about,
    0:55:20 what is the societal value of this?
    0:55:22 Now, I found it valuable and I would go
    0:55:24 and I would pay money and be a patron,
    0:55:26 but I wouldn’t want my kids to go and pursue that
    0:55:28 unless it was that they were solving for
    0:55:32 just the aesthetic passion that they had.
    0:55:35 But I think that there’s very few crevices
    0:55:38 where AI will not creep in
    0:55:41 and either be able to do the thing nearly as good,
    0:55:45 including, you think about the compression
    0:55:47 that we all enjoy of a Game and Throne’s episode,
    0:55:51 the compression algorithm of all of that talent,
    0:55:55 set design, special effects, screenwriting,
    0:55:57 a lifetime of acting and performing,
    0:55:59 you know, just swish down.
    0:56:01 One of our companies Runway ML.
    0:56:04 You can, and there’s others that you can conjure.
    0:56:06 Today it’s 10 seconds, but tomorrow it’ll be two minutes
    0:56:09 and full feature films with no key grips, no lighting,
    0:56:12 no costume design, no set design, no actors.
    0:56:15 And voice is entirely generated by AI.
    0:56:20 And so does that strip this art of its soul kind of thing?
    0:56:23 I don’t think so.
    0:56:26 I think it just creates a new form of art, just like Pixar.
    0:56:27 You know, for all the people that were doing
    0:56:29 Disney Mickey animations by hand,
    0:56:31 and then suddenly we get this 3D rendered graphics
    0:56:34 and incredible storytelling, that will be timeless,
    0:56:35 but the tools that we will use
    0:56:38 will very rapidly replace these things.
    0:56:41 So I think our kids should be embracing
    0:56:43 and using all of these tools.
    0:56:45 The only tool that I restrict them from is TikTok,
    0:56:48 but otherwise, and that’s for a variety of bad influence
    0:56:50 and Chinese Communist Party.
    0:56:54 But otherwise I want them learning how to use every tool
    0:56:57 as they would every appliance in a kitchen.
    0:56:58 Outside of those tools,
    0:57:01 where do you think the advantage comes from?
    0:57:03 It is like a networking advantage
    0:57:05 in who you know become more pronounced.
    0:57:07 I think it’s this.
    0:57:08 I think it’s human to human.
    0:57:10 I think that if you always can frame things
    0:57:12 as like what’s abundant and what’s scarce,
    0:57:16 in a world where there’s gonna be an abundance of access
    0:57:18 to information and abundance of access
    0:57:22 to creative construction of things,
    0:57:26 art and literature and movies and just by the way,
    0:57:30 as an aside, I also will take boring PTA messages
    0:57:33 from our school and I will put them into large language
    0:57:35 models and send them to my wife where I’m like,
    0:57:36 do this in the style of Matt Levine,
    0:57:38 the Bloomberg deli writer,
    0:57:39 or do this in the style of Shane Parrish,
    0:57:43 or do this in the style of Al Swearingen from Deadwood.
    0:57:45 And it’s just, it’s absolutely entertaining and brilliant.
    0:57:48 It takes something that’s so boring
    0:57:52 and cliched and hackneyed and like just brings it to life,
    0:57:52 right?
    0:57:53 – I do the same thing.
    0:57:54 – So it’s a lot of fun, right?
    0:57:55 It actually makes this stuff interesting,
    0:58:00 but the advantage is gonna come in,
    0:58:01 what do I do with that when I output it?
    0:58:04 I enjoy it for a second, but then I share it.
    0:58:05 And so all of these things, all the value,
    0:58:07 all the market capitalization of all social media
    0:58:09 is about sharing.
    0:58:10 And I still think that we’re gonna produce,
    0:58:13 we’re gonna share and what becomes scarce is this,
    0:58:17 is like human connection, because we are still human
    0:58:18 and we still want that.
    0:58:20 We wanna be hugged and we want intimacy
    0:58:22 and we wanna laugh with each other.
    0:58:25 I mean, I’ll share just a quick aside from this,
    0:58:27 like two or three months before Danny Kahneman
    0:58:29 died last year.
    0:58:31 Lauren and I went over with a filmmaker
    0:58:35 and another woman and we had a dinner with Danny
    0:58:39 and his partner, Barbara Tversky, it was Amos, his wife.
    0:58:44 And we were talking about aging and getting older
    0:58:46 and memories and Danny had this great point about
    0:58:49 that the pleasure of pleasurable things
    0:58:53 got less pleasurable,
    0:58:57 but less than the pain of painful things got less painful.
    0:59:01 So for him, the loss of a friend,
    0:59:03 you became a little bit anesthetized to it.
    0:59:05 The first time you lose a friend, it’s tragic,
    0:59:07 but when all your friends are dropping dead,
    0:59:10 it’s like, ah, this is just happening.
    0:59:12 The first person you know gets divorced
    0:59:14 and all these things over time,
    0:59:17 the half-life of the pain just decreases.
    0:59:19 You’re still losing the pleasurable things.
    0:59:21 So food didn’t taste as good and wine didn’t taste as good
    0:59:24 and music didn’t sound as good and sleep wasn’t as good
    0:59:26 and sex wasn’t as good and all these pleasurable things.
    0:59:29 But he thought that the pain was less painful
    0:59:32 than the pleasure was less pleasurable.
    0:59:33 And so I thought that was interesting inside.
    0:59:35 Barbara had a different view
    0:59:36 and she’s still alive
    0:59:37 and I’m taking some license to share her view.
    0:59:42 But she said, no, it’s still painful.
    0:59:45 And the main reason she said that pain is painful
    0:59:48 is that these memories I have of Amos
    0:59:52 or I shared that moment with this person.
    0:59:55 And the great human feeling is commiserating
    0:59:57 about the thing that we experienced together
    1:00:00 or the memory and laughing hysterically
    1:00:02 which I still do with my childhood friends
    1:00:04 of this shared moment.
    1:00:06 And AI will never get that.
    1:00:08 Another person won’t get the inside joke.
    1:00:11 And so to your question about the advantage,
    1:00:13 the advantage is in that human connection
    1:00:16 because we are still human and we want that, we pine for it.
    1:00:18 And so I thought that was a really profound counter
    1:00:22 to Danny’s view, which is that when you lose these people
    1:00:27 you lose the partner to amplify that emotion,
    1:00:28 a good one or a bad one.
    1:00:31 And I think that being able to have like uniquely human
    1:00:34 experiences, understand each other, support each other,
    1:00:36 that that is still gonna be an advantage.
    1:00:38 – A lot of the things you said,
    1:00:41 what sort of common thread with them in my mind
    1:00:45 is we feel part of something larger than just ourselves.
    1:00:46 – Yes.
    1:00:48 – Like relate this to working remotely
    1:00:52 or and how this interacts with other things, right?
    1:00:55 Where we might not feel part of something larger
    1:00:57 than ourselves and remote work is a great example
    1:01:00 where you sort of, the ability is there
    1:01:02 whether you do part-time or full-time
    1:01:05 to shut off your laptop and the world looks like you.
    1:01:05 – Right.
    1:01:06 – You’re not forced to interact with people
    1:01:08 with different political views,
    1:01:10 different socioeconomic status.
    1:01:13 You surround yourself so you don’t feel a part
    1:01:15 of something bigger than, and that changes how you vote.
    1:01:18 It changes a whole bunch of things in your life,
    1:01:18 I would imagine.
    1:01:21 I’m speculating here, but I’m sort of like thinking out loud.
    1:01:22 – No way.
    1:01:25 I think a lot of your values, a lot of our values.
    1:01:28 And again, I’m gonna invoke Danny here in a conversation
    1:01:32 before he passed away, was that you may think
    1:01:36 you think the things you think because you analyzed
    1:01:37 and you reasoned or whatever, but no.
    1:01:38 The reason you think the thing you think
    1:01:41 is because of the five or six most important people
    1:01:44 around you and they sort of believe something
    1:01:45 and you believe them.
    1:01:47 And so again, an information contagion
    1:01:48 and you will tell yourself that you believe it
    1:01:50 because you really thought deeply about it
    1:01:52 and you reasoned through this.
    1:01:53 But no, the reality is you believe things
    1:01:55 just because there’s the social phenomenon.
    1:02:00 So working from home versus working in person,
    1:02:02 there are so many, everybody is here Monday
    1:02:04 through Friday now.
    1:02:05 You know, at first it was Monday through Thursday,
    1:02:07 take Friday, now I’m like, look, if you need to leave,
    1:02:10 you go to family first, it’s a principle here,
    1:02:13 never miss a concert or recital, a science fair,
    1:02:15 but we need to be together.
    1:02:16 Why?
    1:02:17 Because there’s so many interstitial moments.
    1:02:20 There’s a chance serendipity moment
    1:02:21 because I come out of a meeting
    1:02:24 and I’m able to introduce you to Grace
    1:02:26 or Brandon is meeting with somebody and every day,
    1:02:27 hey, do you have a minute?
    1:02:28 You know, knock, knock,
    1:02:29 and then somebody’s making an introduction
    1:02:30 and you just never know what it unlocks.
    1:02:33 That never happens on Zoom or on calls, it just doesn’t.
    1:02:35 The structure of that doesn’t allow for that serendipity
    1:02:37 and those sort of human connections.
    1:02:41 The ability to really feel when somebody swallows
    1:02:43 when you ask them a question and they’re feeling nervous
    1:02:46 or like, hey, like something going on, you know,
    1:02:47 and they’re, because everybody’s fighting
    1:02:50 some epic battle, you know, they’ve got relationship issues,
    1:02:53 they got parents issues, they got a sick person, like,
    1:02:55 and we are just, we’re still human.
    1:03:00 So I feel deeply that we should all be connected in person.
    1:03:01 And I do think that that’s an advantage
    1:03:05 in a world of abundant AI and sort of cold sterile,
    1:03:08 even if it has the simulacrum of,
    1:03:10 and again, a lot of people will use AI
    1:03:13 as a beneficial way to share things
    1:03:14 that they might not even be comfortable sharing
    1:03:18 with a person and have a consultant therapist to tell them.
    1:03:20 But I’ll give another example,
    1:03:24 which is another colleague here moved from one city
    1:03:27 to another and he happens to be religious observant,
    1:03:29 but as an atheist, okay?
    1:03:32 But he moved to this new city and he found a tribe
    1:03:35 that he’s like, I immediately plugged in.
    1:03:37 Like we didn’t know anybody, we didn’t have any friends,
    1:03:40 but by being part of this religion,
    1:03:42 we instantly had friends and peers.
    1:03:45 And I was like, not that it’s cynical or selfish
    1:03:49 or, you know, we could put a valence of meaning behind it,
    1:03:51 but really at the end of it is like,
    1:03:52 will you help me?
    1:03:53 Is there reciprocity?
    1:03:56 And that’s this like ancient sense
    1:04:00 of whether it’s transactional or not, it’s over or not,
    1:04:02 you’re signaling the depth of the sacrifices
    1:04:03 that you would make for the group.
    1:04:06 This idea that something is bigger than yourself,
    1:04:10 belonging is arguably like the most pleasurable thing,
    1:04:11 having friendships, you know, you do all these,
    1:04:13 look at all these studies of people that age
    1:04:15 and what was meaningful to them in leading a good life
    1:04:18 and being ostracized or feeling rejected
    1:04:20 or left as like the most painful thing.
    1:04:23 So I think that that’s a timeless human truth.
    1:04:26 And I certainly feel like,
    1:04:28 and I encourage this with my kids, by the way,
    1:04:31 I don’t want them just to have a group of friends in school,
    1:04:34 because just like the diversity that you need in a portfolio,
    1:04:35 you need to have hedges and all these other things
    1:04:37 because maybe something is not going right
    1:04:37 in that friend group.
    1:04:41 And then you are more at risk of catastrophizing
    1:04:43 that, oh my God, like nobody likes me.
    1:04:47 And you know, and so if you’re in a soccer team
    1:04:51 and you go to a religious group or you’re in Hebrew school
    1:04:52 or you’re on a dance team
    1:04:54 and you have a neighborhood group of friends
    1:04:56 and my kids are in like six different things
    1:04:58 outside of school each
    1:05:00 and they then can bring these people together,
    1:05:01 which itself adds this feeling of like,
    1:05:04 oh, I connected people and I’m this node
    1:05:08 and it sort of cements the network in a way
    1:05:12 that is profound and meaningful and comforting.
    1:05:13 I like that.
    1:05:15 I want to come to aging a little bit here.
    1:05:17 I don’t want to do it.
    1:05:18 I don’t want to age.
    1:05:19 – Talk to me about this
    1:05:23 because I feel like based on the research happening now,
    1:05:25 the amount of money going into this,
    1:05:27 the progress that we seem to be making
    1:05:31 at least on biomarkers that we understand,
    1:05:33 we seem to be able to dramatically slow
    1:05:36 at best our aging process.
    1:05:37 You think we’re going to make a quantum leap
    1:05:40 and in term of average lifespan for humans,
    1:05:44 maybe adding 10 or 15 or 20 good years in the next 10 years?
    1:05:48 – I think that’s possible, 10 or 15 or 20, not doubling.
    1:05:51 I mean, we did that, you know, in a few generations,
    1:05:53 you know, people would die at 40 years old or 50 years old
    1:05:56 and people now regularly until their 70s or 80s.
    1:05:57 You know, this is an interesting thing
    1:06:01 because we don’t fund longevity work here
    1:06:05 and I’m personally not invested in any of these things.
    1:06:10 I will go to my doctor and I will get my blood tests
    1:06:13 and he will suggest that I take some supplements
    1:06:14 because I’m low in iron or this or that
    1:06:16 and that’s entirely reasonable
    1:06:19 just to maintain sort of homeostatic function.
    1:06:22 But I don’t go absolutely crazy and intense,
    1:06:24 but I appreciate the people, Brian Johnson and others
    1:06:27 that are self-hacking and doing this in pursuit
    1:06:29 and Ray Kurzweil was doing it back in the day.
    1:06:32 Nobody has really seen Ray out that much, you know?
    1:06:34 He was taking like, I don’t know, 100 supplements a day
    1:06:35 or something like that.
    1:06:38 And last I saw, I think he had a two-pay
    1:06:40 and like, it was like a messy situation,
    1:06:43 but I’m glad that these people are doing it
    1:06:46 both in pursuit of staving off their own mortality
    1:06:49 and a public service either interpreted as
    1:06:50 I can’t believe you go to these extremes
    1:06:52 and I’m not gonna do that ’cause it’s super stressful
    1:06:54 or maybe you’re going to unearth something
    1:06:57 and we’re all gonna be on metformin and all these,
    1:07:00 but there are this timeless pursuit of avoiding death.
    1:07:03 It’s very human.
    1:07:07 It is and it goes back like the first form
    1:07:09 of avoiding death was I’m not gonna die.
    1:07:12 So the search for the fountain of youth and Ponce de Leon,
    1:07:15 today modern pharmaceuticals and drugs and supplements
    1:07:16 and lifestyle changes.
    1:07:20 The second form was fine, I’m gonna die,
    1:07:22 but I’m gonna come back.
    1:07:25 And so reincarnation and maybe that was
    1:07:26 the spiritual or religious sense.
    1:07:29 And then today’s version of that would be Alcor
    1:07:32 or any of these cryo, I’m gonna freeze my brain
    1:07:35 so that when they figure this out, they’ll bring me back.
    1:07:37 The third was, okay, fine, I’m gonna die,
    1:07:39 but I am more than my physical self.
    1:07:41 There’s an ethereal soul.
    1:07:42 The modern technological version
    1:07:44 would be the ghost in the machine,
    1:07:46 endless sci-fi movies about people uploading themselves
    1:07:49 and their likeness, which by the way,
    1:07:51 are sort of a really interesting phenomenon
    1:07:54 and how we deal with loss and the ability,
    1:07:57 if there is an AI that is totally trained on my voice
    1:07:59 and my likeness and everything I’ve ever said,
    1:08:03 which I have done, that my kids would actually have a dad AI
    1:08:05 and maybe they can consult it for questions
    1:08:07 or is that a good thing or a bad thing?
    1:08:10 I don’t know, but it is going to be a thing.
    1:08:12 Then you have, okay, I’m gonna die,
    1:08:13 but I’m gonna live on through my progeny,
    1:08:15 through my children, through my genes,
    1:08:17 which is the evolutionary impetus.
    1:08:20 And I’m gonna live on through my works
    1:08:23 and you won’t be there to experience either of those things
    1:08:25 unlike the first three where you’re not gonna die
    1:08:26 or you’re gonna come back.
    1:08:28 And so I think about the people that,
    1:08:30 whether it’s where I grew up in Coney Island, Brooklyn,
    1:08:31 they put graffiti on the wall
    1:08:33 and they put themselves up until it gets washed away
    1:08:36 or if you’re Dave Rubenstein or Steve Schwartzman,
    1:08:37 you put your graffiti etched in stone
    1:08:39 on the New York public library
    1:08:40 or but it’s really no different,
    1:08:42 just $100 million instead of free
    1:08:44 and the potential for being jailed.
    1:08:47 And then it’s through your children.
    1:08:49 And I think there it’s very Buffett-like,
    1:08:54 the moral sort of mandate would be like he described
    1:08:57 Don Keough of Coke that when you do die,
    1:08:59 you want them to say what they said about him,
    1:09:01 which was everybody loved him.
    1:09:03 I don’t have that, like not everybody loves me,
    1:09:05 but my kids is most important.
    1:09:07 – I think the theory was the people
    1:09:09 that you want to love you, love you.
    1:09:10 – Which is interesting because the people
    1:09:13 that we celebrate the most, if you think about Steve Jobs
    1:09:16 and even Elon, like are the people that are closest to him.
    1:09:19 I don’t mean millions of fans that don’t actually know him,
    1:09:20 but I used to have this debate
    1:09:22 with one of my best friends about Steve Jobs,
    1:09:26 like the world loves Steve Jobs, but like–
    1:09:29 – People in his orbit didn’t always love Steve Jobs.
    1:09:32 – He’s like terrible, you know, like he’s so mean or like,
    1:09:33 so I think that’s really interesting.
    1:09:36 But going back, the common thing amongst all the people
    1:09:39 that have tried to defeat death,
    1:09:40 from the people that weren’t gonna die
    1:09:42 through found of youth or modern biotech,
    1:09:43 the people that were gonna upload themselves,
    1:09:45 the people that were gonna come back,
    1:09:48 the people that leave it to their kids or to their works,
    1:09:51 the common thing amongst all them is that they’re dead.
    1:09:53 You know, nobody has beaten death.
    1:09:57 And so the mental model that I like on this is,
    1:09:58 okay, take a piece of paper
    1:10:00 and put the day you were born on the front
    1:10:01 and then the day you’re gonna die,
    1:10:03 roughly plus 80 years on the back.
    1:10:06 And the only thing that you may have control over in part
    1:10:09 is the story that you write between these two pages.
    1:10:11 And my brother-in-law passed when he was early 40s,
    1:10:14 stomach cancer, you know, he lived a tragic short-term,
    1:10:16 you know, relative to others.
    1:10:18 And, but maybe you get to live this epic tone
    1:10:19 and it’s like, how do you write it?
    1:10:20 And who do you spend your time with?
    1:10:22 And nobody’s gonna look back and say, you know,
    1:10:24 I wish I would have taken that extra meeting
    1:10:26 or done that extra business trip or something.
    1:10:28 It’s like, I’m really glad that I was there
    1:10:30 for my kids or my spouse.
    1:10:32 And yet you work really hard.
    1:10:35 Yeah, and I always prioritize my kids.
    1:10:38 Like, I think about all the time, like their judgment,
    1:10:40 you know, some people are like, meet their maker
    1:10:41 or they, you know, because I don’t believe,
    1:10:43 I care deeply.
    1:10:46 Well, they say my dad was there for everything.
    1:10:47 And in part for me,
    1:10:49 because my father was not present in my life,
    1:10:51 my parents split when I was super young.
    1:10:53 It’s my little guy who’s, I have two daughters and a son,
    1:10:55 but my son, who’s nine,
    1:10:58 always wants me to have a play date with my dad, you know?
    1:11:01 And we’re, we’re civil and we speak a few times a year.
    1:11:03 But I’m like, it’s just not that relationship.
    1:11:04 I’m not gonna have that, you know?
    1:11:06 And he’s like, yeah, but I really want you guys to,
    1:11:09 and I’m like, no, I get to be the dad that I am to you
    1:11:11 because I didn’t really have that.
    1:11:12 And I’m making up for it now.
    1:11:14 And this is what it is.
    1:11:18 And then I worry that if they see such a present father,
    1:11:19 do they take that for granted?
    1:11:20 Oh, dude.
    1:11:21 And then do they screw it up in the next generation?
    1:11:22 You know, and so.
    1:11:23 I have the same thoughts.
    1:11:25 I actually talked to a therapist who had this
    1:11:27 because I was like, am I too present in their lives?
    1:11:29 Like they need some space, you know?
    1:11:30 I’m home and they get home from after school.
    1:11:34 And my wife and I talk about this like my parents split.
    1:11:37 My father was married four times.
    1:11:40 All I wanted was a stable nuclear family.
    1:11:42 But if my kids grow up in a stable nuclear family,
    1:11:42 do they take it for granted?
    1:11:44 And does like one of them become a cheater
    1:11:46 and infidelitus and all this kind of stuff because they,
    1:11:48 and I have no idea.
    1:11:50 But, but I know for me what is meaningful
    1:11:51 and what makes me feel good.
    1:11:55 And it’s a totally selfish thing that is about solving
    1:11:55 for what I want.
    1:11:58 Selflessly, I think it ends up being virtuous.
    1:12:01 So what would your top like three or four priorities be then
    1:12:03 if you were to outline them?
    1:12:06 My kids and my wife call it family number one.
    1:12:07 I mean, you know, you think about like the people
    1:12:09 that have lost everything physically and materialistically
    1:12:12 in the fires recently in LA.
    1:12:14 Like family is like, you know,
    1:12:15 and I don’t care over time as they grow up
    1:12:17 and where they are and they’re, you know,
    1:12:19 but that to me is like the most important thing.
    1:12:22 And number two is purpose and meaning.
    1:12:23 I think this is a universal thing,
    1:12:26 but I feel lucky that I enjoy what I do.
    1:12:28 It’s an intellectual puzzle.
    1:12:32 There’s times of like great fierce competition.
    1:12:34 We’re losing to, you know, I don’t like to lose.
    1:12:38 We’re losing out to another firm that’s got an entrepreneur.
    1:12:40 I like the intellectual gratification
    1:12:41 of being right when other people are wrong.
    1:12:43 I’m very intellectually competitive that way
    1:12:46 and discovering something that people haven’t discovered.
    1:12:49 I always talk about Linus Pauling, the double Nobel laureate
    1:12:51 who wanted for both chemistry and peace.
    1:12:54 And he has this quote about science,
    1:12:56 which I just absolutely love.
    1:13:00 And this is like, I hope until I’m 90 or 100 or 110
    1:13:02 or whatever modern science lets me live till
    1:13:04 that I continue to have this
    1:13:05 ’cause it’s an addictive feeling,
    1:13:08 which is that I know something that nobody else knows
    1:13:11 and they won’t know until I tell them.
    1:13:14 And I love that discovering a legal secret
    1:13:17 and knowing that this is going to be announced
    1:13:18 at the scientific breakthroughs coming
    1:13:19 and nobody else knows about it yet.
    1:13:21 So that to me is like meaning and purpose.
    1:13:24 It’s intellectually competitive
    1:13:27 and I understand the intellectual competitiveness.
    1:13:27 I wanna be right.
    1:13:29 I wanna make money.
    1:13:31 I want the credit for it,
    1:13:32 but it really is about like the status
    1:13:33 ’cause otherwise you would just do these things
    1:13:34 in private and totally in quiet.
    1:13:37 But I like that feeling of that,
    1:13:42 even if it’s being glorious and ego and all vanity.
    1:13:43 So family, that sense of purpose
    1:13:46 driven by this intellectual competitiveness.
    1:13:49 And then I think I didn’t appreciate this as much,
    1:13:51 but it’s sort of adjacent to the first.
    1:13:54 There’s a handful of people who I imagine myself
    1:13:56 like retiring with or like guy friends
    1:13:58 and people that I enjoy spending time with
    1:14:00 that have the same sort of values
    1:14:02 and they’re very family driven.
    1:14:05 And so my cousin in particular,
    1:14:07 this amazing guy, Jason Redless,
    1:14:09 one of my wife’s best friends,
    1:14:10 this woman, Molly Carmel.
    1:14:12 They’re both, we call it family.
    1:14:13 They’re like friends and family.
    1:14:15 But yeah, it’s a powerful thing
    1:14:16 that I don’t wanna ever lose.
    1:14:18 – That’s awesome.
    1:14:20 You process a ton of information.
    1:14:24 What’s that workflow like for information to get to you?
    1:14:27 How are you using technology to filter?
    1:14:29 How are you filtering information?
    1:14:31 – So I typically go to bed between 12 and 12 30,
    1:14:36 wake up around seven kids before they leave for school,
    1:14:38 about 40 minutes.
    1:14:39 I do a lot of physical activity,
    1:14:42 usually three days a week between working out,
    1:14:44 trainer, jujitsu, all kinds of interesting stuff.
    1:14:47 But probably about an hour to an hour and a half
    1:14:50 in the mornings of reading through
    1:14:53 something like 40 different papers now.
    1:14:54 It used to be like seven,
    1:14:56 but then when I start to travel internationally,
    1:14:57 if I went to the mid-east,
    1:15:00 I would find an English version of some of the key papers,
    1:15:01 same thing in Japan and elsewhere.
    1:15:03 And so now I read a lot of international papers.
    1:15:07 And when I say read, I use an app called PressReader.
    1:15:09 It has the digital replica of the specific version,
    1:15:10 which I really value.
    1:15:11 And I know we’ve talked about this in the past,
    1:15:14 but I like to know what the editor put on C22.
    1:15:17 That’s not as visible on the website
    1:15:20 because there’s meta information that the editor is saying,
    1:15:21 this is not important to be on the front page,
    1:15:24 but if I disagree and I think that there’s a magnitude
    1:15:25 of informational importance,
    1:15:28 that to me is like some sort of edge.
    1:15:30 Then I will take screenshots of those.
    1:15:34 And so I will sort of call it scout and scour
    1:15:35 through all these papers,
    1:15:37 take screenshots in some cases,
    1:15:41 I may even take those screenshots and put them into an AI.
    1:15:43 And basically say, give me a summary of this article
    1:15:46 or give me the three key quotes that really matter.
    1:15:50 And so I’ll go down all kinds of like rabbit holes with that.
    1:15:50 So that’s the first,
    1:15:54 which is just like call it 24 hours worth of information
    1:15:56 that is basically put into editorial decree.
    1:15:59 You can usually get the FT in New York time
    1:16:01 like four, five, six PM Eastern time.
    1:16:03 And so you have a little bit of information edge
    1:16:05 because most people don’t get the FT
    1:16:06 for another 12 or 14 hours,
    1:16:08 but they don’t know that they could get it online,
    1:16:10 but that is valuable.
    1:16:11 And I care about all those things,
    1:16:14 including not the sophisticated newspapers,
    1:16:16 but like the less sophisticated ones like USA Today,
    1:16:18 and I wanna know what is the average person going to read
    1:16:19 when they wake up in a Marriott
    1:16:20 and get the paper delivered under their door
    1:16:22 and that kind of stuff.
    1:16:25 Then Twitter, I have all kinds of lists that I follow.
    1:16:25 And at any given time,
    1:16:28 it might be something that is geopolitical
    1:16:29 and war related where I’m going down to deep hole
    1:16:31 or sometimes it’s AI and technology,
    1:16:32 sometimes it’s my team
    1:16:34 and what they’re posting and reading about,
    1:16:35 but a lot on Twitter,
    1:16:37 which I find truly invaluable.
    1:16:38 I mean, I know a lot of people say
    1:16:40 it’s like this dark cesspool of whatever,
    1:16:42 but you can just filter through and cut out the people.
    1:16:44 I’m muting and blocking people all the time.
    1:16:46 And I’m discovering all kinds of
    1:16:47 just absolutely incredible people.
    1:16:49 It has been, as you know,
    1:16:50 from one of our first conversations,
    1:16:52 like this idea of randomness and optionality,
    1:16:54 it is this huge randomness generator,
    1:16:56 this huge optionality generator and the accessibility.
    1:16:58 And I just, I absolutely love it.
    1:17:01 So that’s another thing where I’m really rooting for Elon
    1:17:03 in the continued success of X
    1:17:05 because I’ll continue to pay a lot of money for it.
    1:17:07 And I pay more money for it,
    1:17:10 but I find it super valuable and it’s real time pulse.
    1:17:12 And I’m excited for GROC to continue
    1:17:15 ’cause I think that GROC and X just continue to sort of,
    1:17:16 I mean, that’s a repository.
    1:17:18 We talked about that before, repository of information.
    1:17:21 – One of the first things Elon did was cut off access
    1:17:23 to Google from the data. – Totally.
    1:17:25 And I think that’s the right move, right?
    1:17:28 This is our platform, same way as Meta has.
    1:17:31 So I think that that repository of everybody’s tweets
    1:17:33 and retweets and likes and the comments that they’ve made,
    1:17:34 you can already go on and do this
    1:17:37 in sort of a relatively superficial way
    1:17:39 where you can say roast me.
    1:17:40 And it will basically off your past,
    1:17:43 I don’t know, like 25 or 30 tweets sort of roast you
    1:17:45 based on what you’ve tweeted about,
    1:17:47 but they’re a longitudinal access of people
    1:17:50 that have 10,000, 100,000 tweets
    1:17:53 is an amazing pastiche of like, you know what,
    1:17:55 there’s an interesting thing here
    1:17:58 which we were just riffing on internally,
    1:17:59 which I’ll come back to.
    1:18:00 Just remind me on sort of wrapping yourself
    1:18:04 in this information mosaic and breaking free from it.
    1:18:07 But papers in the morning, Twitter, internal Slack,
    1:18:11 emails, texts, you know, just like processing
    1:18:15 all this information, I use rewind on my Mac,
    1:18:18 which is effectively doing nonstop screen capture.
    1:18:20 And there will be other tools like this in part
    1:18:21 because I do not remember the source
    1:18:22 when I saw the information.
    1:18:24 It’s sort of the same thing of like,
    1:18:26 if you see a show and you were to ask me today,
    1:18:28 like where did you, I don’t know, it was on Apple TV,
    1:18:29 like was it on Paramount?
    1:18:30 Was it on CBS?
    1:18:31 Was it on Netflix?
    1:18:33 Like I have no idea, right?
    1:18:35 And in fact, usually when I do the Apple search
    1:18:37 and it doesn’t show up, it means it’s on Netflix
    1:18:39 ’cause it can search Netflix, right?
    1:18:42 Yeah, just huge information omnivore, everything.
    1:18:46 And then there’s some random writer that I follow
    1:18:48 that’s like Catherine Schultz at the New Yorker,
    1:18:51 Adam Gopnik and people whose style of writing
    1:18:53 and the selection of their subjects.
    1:18:54 I find really interesting
    1:18:56 and then I’ll go deep into some of their themes.
    1:18:58 – So you use rewind, press reader.
    1:19:00 What are the other like technological tools
    1:19:01 that you’re finding super valuable?
    1:19:05 – Every AI, I might take an essay, read it,
    1:19:08 ask it to summarize the key points,
    1:19:10 ask it to put it in different voices,
    1:19:12 take two different essays and say,
    1:19:13 where do these things agree or disagree?
    1:19:16 And so yeah, like just nonstop.
    1:19:21 I’m on AI easily more than Google now,
    1:19:23 but I don’t know, two, three hours a day.
    1:19:24 – What have you learned about prompting
    1:19:27 that would help everybody get better results?
    1:19:31 – Usually very specific, like I give it a priming thing,
    1:19:34 like you are the world’s, it’s a neuroscience paper.
    1:19:36 You are the world’s greatest expert in neuroscience.
    1:19:39 You have read every paper that has been published.
    1:19:43 You have both a skeptical eye to new claims,
    1:19:47 but you are also open-minded to interesting correlations
    1:19:48 that might not have been considered.
    1:19:53 Read this paper and give me the three most provocative,
    1:19:56 non-obvious points and give me the three cliches.
    1:19:57 And so just, and by the way,
    1:20:01 I will put them into three different models at the same time.
    1:20:03 So I will open three different browsers,
    1:20:05 arrange them and put it into chat GPT,
    1:20:06 put it into Claude, put it into one of the perplexing models
    1:20:08 that’s not running on those two.
    1:20:11 And sometimes I’ll mix and match them.
    1:20:12 – I love that.
    1:20:15 – It’s sort of like a pallet of mixing.
    1:20:18 We have not yet done this as a partnership,
    1:20:21 but we’ve talked about it, having an AI partner.
    1:20:25 There’s still a behavioral discomfort
    1:20:26 about recording conversations.
    1:20:28 You and I are recording our conversation now.
    1:20:30 But every partnership discussion we have,
    1:20:34 we were confident that it was protected and encrypted
    1:20:37 because we might say things that could be harmful.
    1:20:38 – You don’t want them coming at.
    1:20:40 – We could insult somebody or like,
    1:20:42 or we have a piece of intel that we don’t want out.
    1:20:45 But if we were comfortable that it was perfectly private,
    1:20:48 which is a hard thing to promise, but if it was,
    1:20:50 you would have a repository of every conversation
    1:20:53 we’ve ever had over the past X number of years,
    1:20:55 the decisions that we wrestled with,
    1:20:57 you would be able to have somebody to advise us,
    1:20:59 an AI to advise us,
    1:21:02 where are we showing biases in consistency
    1:21:04 between a decision we made three months ago and this?
    1:21:06 What is different this time?
    1:21:08 Which voices are not speaking up?
    1:21:09 And you can already get this in some cases
    1:21:11 with like certain Zoom calls or other recording things
    1:21:14 where it’ll tell you who spoke for how long.
    1:21:18 And then you could run like a Bayesian analysis of,
    1:21:20 okay, given that we’re looking at these two companies,
    1:21:21 give me the outside view,
    1:21:24 the base rate of success historically,
    1:21:25 which in venture honestly doesn’t matter,
    1:21:27 but and then give me a Kelly criterion
    1:21:28 of how you might size this
    1:21:30 based on the projected internal confidence.
    1:21:31 And so there’s all kinds of things
    1:21:34 that we could internally do to use these tools,
    1:21:37 which I think over time we’ll probably experiment with.
    1:21:40 But the biggest thing is basically having like
    1:21:41 a capture of everything, you know,
    1:21:43 everything that you see, everything that you hear,
    1:21:46 everything that my, I’ve already given over again
    1:21:48 to the privacy gods, everything that my screen sees.
    1:21:51 And so I trust that that siloed on my device,
    1:21:52 it’s not going to the cloud,
    1:21:53 but it’s super helpful when I’m trying to search
    1:21:55 for something I’m like, was that a Gmail?
    1:21:56 Was that a text?
    1:21:57 Was that a thing on Twitter?
    1:21:58 Was that a PDF I read?
    1:21:59 Where did I see that?
    1:22:03 And the ability to DVR my life is super valuable.
    1:22:04 If I could do that with my conversations,
    1:22:06 like who said that the other day?
    1:22:08 In fact, Lauren and I just had somebody over,
    1:22:10 you know, we host people at our house
    1:22:12 and we couldn’t remember who told us this thing.
    1:22:14 And we were like, I had to go through my calendar
    1:22:15 to see who was over on Thursday or Friday.
    1:22:17 Oh yeah, okay, it was, you know,
    1:22:20 but being able to search your life instantly,
    1:22:23 I think it’s going to be a generational change
    1:22:25 in the same way that people were not comfortable,
    1:22:26 you know, posting on Facebook.
    1:22:28 And then they were comfortable.
    1:22:30 And then like now people are like posting themselves
    1:22:34 in swimsuits and bikinis and it just doesn’t matter.
    1:22:36 That to me is going to be a big step change.
    1:22:38 I want to come back to the info mosaic,
    1:22:40 but one thing we never talked about YouTube
    1:22:43 being like such a huge data source.
    1:22:43 Incredible.
    1:22:45 Closed and slightly open, I guess.
    1:22:46 Yeah.
    1:22:47 In some ways.
    1:22:49 Yeah, like, well, I love that moment
    1:22:52 when I think it was Mira from OpenAI was asked,
    1:22:54 like, you know, so did you train?
    1:22:56 And she was like, but you didn’t want to answer.
    1:22:57 Crickets.
    1:22:58 Yeah.
    1:23:02 Okay, the info mosaic and breaking free from sort of like,
    1:23:04 one thing I do love about acts is that
    1:23:07 it shows you views that are contrary to your own,
    1:23:09 like the algorithms gotten pretty good at.
    1:23:10 Yes.
    1:23:12 And there are, what is it, ground news
    1:23:13 that you can sort of do this
    1:23:16 where it will actually give you a bias on, you know,
    1:23:18 certain things and it’ll give you both sides of the view.
    1:23:19 So if you truly are objective
    1:23:21 and like truly knowledge seeking,
    1:23:23 then you would want to experience that.
    1:23:24 And I feel like that will be an option
    1:23:26 that you just click and enable feature
    1:23:28 and you know, it’s able to identify some of the biases
    1:23:29 and whatnot.
    1:23:30 This idea of the information mosaic
    1:23:33 was a recent conversation I was having with my colleague,
    1:23:34 Danny Crichton, who runs like our risk gaming stuff
    1:23:36 where we’re coming up with all kinds of crazy scenarios
    1:23:39 and imagining these low probability, high magnitude events.
    1:23:42 And the idea was that over time,
    1:23:46 this perfect simulacrum of Shane or of Josh
    1:23:47 is going to exist.
    1:23:49 Everything that I’ve ever said on every podcast,
    1:23:50 everything I’ve ever written publicly,
    1:23:51 forgetting all my private thoughts,
    1:23:53 but just everything that I’m out there publicly,
    1:23:54 my voice, my tone, okay.
    1:23:58 And so I almost imagined it like this matrix like mosaic,
    1:24:01 like a Spider-Man costume that’s like form fitting.
    1:24:04 It’s me or a close approximation of me.
    1:24:06 But what if you want to break free from that?
    1:24:08 In a sense, if I said,
    1:24:10 give me something in the style of Shane Parish,
    1:24:11 it might conjure something in the style of Shane Parish,
    1:24:13 but in the style of Josh Wolf
    1:24:17 or in the style of David Milch or Christopher Hitchens,
    1:24:20 you know, I actually love invoking dead voices,
    1:24:22 you know, to sort of bring them back from the dead, right?
    1:24:24 And have them opine on the topic.
    1:24:25 What would Christopher Hitchens say
    1:24:27 about this article, blah, blah, blah.
    1:24:30 But what if I wanted to break free stylistically?
    1:24:35 If I said, give me a image of a horse in Tribeca
    1:24:37 in the style of Wes Anderson.
    1:24:40 You know, I can imagine the pastel palettes
    1:24:42 that it would conjure and you could imagine that too
    1:24:45 with the, you know, rectilinear framing and whatever.
    1:24:48 But what if Wes Anderson suddenly had like a new
    1:24:51 stylistic change in his over and wanted to just shift?
    1:24:53 Like he’d be constrained, you know,
    1:24:56 in the same way that people hate when, you know,
    1:24:57 I don’t know, maybe when Dylan went electric
    1:25:00 or like, you know, somebody else changes their style
    1:25:01 or their genre.
    1:25:05 And so there’s this aspect where AI constrains you.
    1:25:10 And they’re just sort of playing with this idea of,
    1:25:12 you know, how do you break free in the same way
    1:25:15 that there might be like the right to be forgotten
    1:25:16 that maybe you want to change your style.
    1:25:19 The great virtue of college for most people
    1:25:22 is this quartet of years where you can break free
    1:25:25 from who you were for the past four years.
    1:25:27 And nobody knows who you were and what you cared about.
    1:25:31 And maybe you were into heavy metal,
    1:25:34 but you were in like the band, you know,
    1:25:35 and you couldn’t break free or maybe you were gay
    1:25:38 and nobody knew or all these things that you can just
    1:25:41 suddenly like be yourself and explore new things.
    1:25:45 And there’s this element where the great virtue of college
    1:25:48 is self-expiration against the constraints of high school,
    1:25:51 but could AI be this constraining force?
    1:25:53 Because the more content that you put into it,
    1:25:55 the more it knows you,
    1:25:59 the more you may have trouble varying from it.
    1:26:01 And so there’s something interesting there.
    1:26:02 – I like that a lot.
    1:26:05 Let’s talk military and technology
    1:26:08 and you guys are big investors in Antrol.
    1:26:10 Where’s that going in the future?
    1:26:13 – Well, there’s gonna be a lot more brilliant minds,
    1:26:16 I think that feel comfortable, motivated,
    1:26:20 not only by a sense of purpose, patriotism,
    1:26:23 but also principle and capital making that they see,
    1:26:25 the things that they doubted early on,
    1:26:26 like why is this time different
    1:26:29 in another defense company of which there weren’t very many,
    1:26:32 but seeing Andrew’s ascendancy and valuation
    1:26:34 and success and program wins,
    1:26:35 I think has inspired a lot of people
    1:26:37 like wait, there’s something going on here.
    1:26:39 We went from 50 primes down to five,
    1:26:42 you’re seeing the rise of these neoprimes.
    1:26:44 I deeply believe that Antrol in the next few years
    1:26:48 will be a $30 to $50 billion publicly traded business,
    1:26:52 doing single digit mid billions of revenue
    1:26:53 with software like margins
    1:26:55 that are not like these cost plus margins.
    1:26:57 So that is gonna usher in a big wave
    1:26:59 and they’re buying companies,
    1:27:00 they’re acquiring smaller businesses,
    1:27:03 but you’ll continue to see that sort of evolution
    1:27:05 in a world that people realize
    1:27:07 is not kumbaya peace and safety.
    1:27:12 There are bad actors that when we take a step back
    1:27:15 or on our back foot or a little bit permissive
    1:27:18 that they arm up, it happened with Iran.
    1:27:21 And I think the prior administrations from Obama and Biden
    1:27:24 were well-intentioned in trying to bring them
    1:27:28 into the Western world, but it was a sort of ruse
    1:27:29 from Iran standpoint.
    1:27:33 Same thing with Gaza and Israel and Russia
    1:27:35 and who thought that we were gonna see a land war
    1:27:38 in the 21st century where Russia would invade Ukraine
    1:27:43 and China and Taiwan and North Korea
    1:27:45 and the African continent,
    1:27:47 if we talked about in the Sahel Maghreb,
    1:27:49 infiltration of a lot of these groups into South America.
    1:27:52 I mean, there’s just lots of conflict waiting
    1:27:57 and the best way to avoid conflict is to have deterrence.
    1:28:00 And if Ukraine had nuclear weapons,
    1:28:01 Putin wouldn’t have invaded.
    1:28:03 Most of the West and NATO really said,
    1:28:04 “Don’t worry, we got your back.”
    1:28:06 And even though you’re not part of NATO
    1:28:08 and they never nuclearized,
    1:28:13 I think the world, timelessly through all of human history,
    1:28:18 is gonna face enormous conflict, resource wars,
    1:28:20 water may be next.
    1:28:24 I think there’s something like 1,900 active conflicts
    1:28:26 around the world, around water rights.
    1:28:28 You look at China and Pakistan, control of the water.
    1:28:32 I mean, there’s just like a lot of resources.
    1:28:36 You look at disrupting undersea cables,
    1:28:38 sabotage efforts.
    1:28:40 You look at deep sea mining.
    1:28:42 You look at space as another frontier.
    1:28:46 There’s just a lot of opportunities for zero-sum conflict.
    1:28:49 And when you can’t reconcile those conflicts
    1:28:52 through diplomacy or negotiations or agreement,
    1:28:54 it goes to violence.
    1:28:58 And the people that can bring or effect or export violence
    1:28:59 typically have the upper hand.
    1:29:03 And part of what has made this country great
    1:29:05 and made it powerful and made it the economic juggernaut
    1:29:10 is that it is allowing for the low entropy system,
    1:29:14 even though the country at times seems chaotic,
    1:29:16 that allows for the high entropy production
    1:29:20 of entrepreneurial ideas and free market capitalism
    1:29:23 and booms and busts is that we have
    1:29:25 the most powerful military on the planet.
    1:29:28 You could argue that that didn’t just benefit the United States.
    1:29:31 It benefited Canada, Europe, it benefited a lot of–
    1:29:32 Mexico are allies for sure.
    1:29:34 You can watch many fictional movies
    1:29:36 that have run these counterfactuals
    1:29:38 of what would have happened if Nazi Germany had won
    1:29:43 or the Russians had landed for all mankind
    1:29:45 before we did in the moon.
    1:29:48 But we’re getting away from an era
    1:29:53 of like, here’s a trillion dollar boat effectively.
    1:29:56 It depends who you talk to, if shouldn’t we?
    1:29:58 Like, I mean, if that boat can be taken out
    1:30:01 by a $3,000 drone, how effective is it?
    1:30:03 Yes, for sure, the asymmetry of a threat
    1:30:08 of an aircraft carrier against a large fleet of drones.
    1:30:10 It is very much, if you talk to Sam Paparo,
    1:30:11 who’s the head of Indo-Pakarm,
    1:30:13 he will say it is all about mass on target.
    1:30:18 There’s certain things that automation cannot do.
    1:30:19 And he wants what he calls,
    1:30:20 which I guess is a technical term,
    1:30:24 a hellscape in that region, the Taiwan Straits
    1:30:29 and South China Sea, so that you make it really impossible
    1:30:32 for them to have any military dominance.
    1:30:36 But it is an era where it’s about,
    1:30:38 you saw this again with Iran and Israel and Gaza
    1:30:42 and Syria’s missiles and counter missiles
    1:30:44 and rockets and intercontinental ballistic missiles
    1:30:47 and hypersonics and space weapons.
    1:30:50 It is just about going back to almost like
    1:30:53 Planet of the Apes, one ape through another,
    1:30:56 a rocket another or a twig or a stroller.
    1:30:58 The weapons get more powerful,
    1:30:59 but the behavior doesn’t change.
    1:31:01 We’re back to throwing projectiles at each other,
    1:31:03 and it’s just they’re automated,
    1:31:07 they’re at speeds or at levels of
    1:31:10 a treatable, overwhelming defensive forces
    1:31:12 that that is the battlefield.
    1:31:15 Do you think values become a disadvantage in some ways then?
    1:31:18 Like for example, if the United States were,
    1:31:21 we need a human operator to pull the trigger
    1:31:22 and another country was no,
    1:31:24 it could be completely automated.
    1:31:24 For sure.
    1:31:26 And therefore in a dogfight,
    1:31:28 we’re likely to more win.
    1:31:31 Look, this is already happening in the information space
    1:31:35 where we have certain and in the autonomous space.
    1:31:40 I was in the Pacific region with SOCOM,
    1:31:43 and there’s a drone operator who’s flying the drone.
    1:31:44 There’s another drone operator
    1:31:48 who’s piloting the weapon system,
    1:31:49 and there’s two lawyers.
    1:31:51 So they’re helping the commander
    1:31:54 who is effectively given like a God shot of,
    1:31:57 how many combatants and civilians can be killed
    1:32:00 and what ratio, and sometimes it’s like five to one
    1:32:03 or 10 to one, but there’s lawyers that can authorize
    1:32:06 because we have a certain rule of engagement
    1:32:09 that frankly gives these military personnel
    1:32:13 the ethical comfort that this is a superior system.
    1:32:15 But for sure, if there are people that don’t have
    1:32:17 that same moral code, in some cases,
    1:32:20 they can be at least temporarily advantaged.
    1:32:22 – Well, you can think of that through AI too,
    1:32:23 not just military, right?
    1:32:26 If we restrict, we put restrictions on any technology
    1:32:28 and another country doesn’t,
    1:32:31 sometimes that can cause an advantage to another country.
    1:32:34 – China has the 50 cent army.
    1:32:37 These people are getting 50 cents for every tweet
    1:32:38 and information they put out.
    1:32:40 The State Department, when they want to tweet something out
    1:32:43 through groups, there’s literally like a disclaimer
    1:32:45 that says, and it’s like one woman in Tampa
    1:32:48 that’s doing this, like this was sponsored by the state.
    1:32:50 So we have these ethical restrictions,
    1:32:54 which definitely tie our hands behind our back
    1:32:55 in some cases.
    1:32:57 And our enemies will always try to weaponize this.
    1:32:59 So, I mean, you can look at many vectors today
    1:33:01 that don’t seem like they’re threat vectors,
    1:33:03 but they have been weaponized.
    1:33:05 Social media information, we know.
    1:33:09 And the best fix for that is identifying the bad actors
    1:33:11 and also inoculating people with a heightened degree
    1:33:13 of skepticism, but the vast majority
    1:33:15 of the American population will not be inoculated.
    1:33:17 They will see the things that they want to see.
    1:33:19 They will follow the accounts that they want to follow.
    1:33:22 And then occasionally those accounts will start to pepper
    1:33:24 in other information that they want people to believe.
    1:33:27 And that’s how information cascades can go.
    1:33:29 We have open systems, immigration.
    1:33:31 You’re seeing a lot of the rise
    1:33:34 of the populist anti-immigrant movement in part
    1:33:37 because in some cases it’s a result of good intentions
    1:33:40 of providing sanctuary cities and wanting to help people
    1:33:43 and provide amnesty and help immigrants come here
    1:33:44 because that’s what our country was built on.
    1:33:46 And then you want those people to assimilate.
    1:33:48 And when they’re not assimilating,
    1:33:50 but then you also have bad actors like Putin
    1:33:52 who has weaponized immigration and put migrants
    1:33:54 on people’s borders to create pressures
    1:33:56 so that you can get a political movement
    1:33:58 from inside the country that will be sympathetic
    1:33:59 to the nationalist sensibilities
    1:34:02 and he’s orchestrated that very well.
    1:34:05 And so infiltration into our university systems,
    1:34:08 which accept foreign capital and you see Qatar
    1:34:12 that has influenced very massively domestic US universities.
    1:34:13 China doesn’t allow that.
    1:34:16 US is not able to come in and sponsor Chinese universities.
    1:34:18 TikTok, of course, a huge one, right?
    1:34:20 We banned it years ago,
    1:34:23 right when it had become TikTok for musically,
    1:34:24 in part because at the time,
    1:34:26 I seemed like a conspiratorial nuts saying,
    1:34:28 I don’t trust this with the Chinese Communist Party
    1:34:29 having control over this.
    1:34:32 And then behind the scenes myself and many others
    1:34:35 have played a role in helping to orchestrate what I hope
    1:34:38 will not be thwarted by Trump to see this divested.
    1:34:41 I have no problem with people using TikTok,
    1:34:44 but it should not be in the hands of the algorithm
    1:34:46 and control of the Chinese Communist Party.
    1:34:48 And it’s on a lot of government phones.
    1:34:49 It’s insane.
    1:34:50 It’s really interesting.
    1:34:52 Why haven’t we seen more isolated attacks
    1:34:54 that are cheap and using technology?
    1:34:56 And what I mean by that is,
    1:34:59 nefarious actor can probably for two or three grand
    1:35:03 effectively plot an assassination.
    1:35:04 I guess the question would be to what end?
    1:35:07 And so you still have to realize that many people,
    1:35:09 even if they’re like evil geniuses,
    1:35:12 have an objective in mind.
    1:35:14 And do they just want to sow chaos
    1:35:15 and create distrust in the system
    1:35:17 and have people scrambling?
    1:35:19 Whereas they’re an opportune time to strike.
    1:35:24 Think about the Israel operation with the Beeper plan.
    1:35:25 This was 10 years in the making.
    1:35:27 Now they could have done it at any point in time
    1:35:30 five years ago, but they waited until a precise moment.
    1:35:32 And so being able to do the thing
    1:35:34 and deciding when you do the thing
    1:35:36 are two different decisions.
    1:35:39 But I think that we’ve been warned for a very long time
    1:35:41 about hacking and infiltration
    1:35:44 into our physical infrastructure, for sure.
    1:35:46 Somebody could shut down air traffic control.
    1:35:47 And what we saw just recently
    1:35:49 between the Black Hawk helicopter
    1:35:52 and this regional plane from, was it Kansas City?
    1:35:54 You know, crash in Washington, DC.
    1:35:58 You could see the FAA shutdown and have a glitch.
    1:36:01 You can have infiltration into our banking system
    1:36:03 and just like the Sony hack, right?
    1:36:05 The big thing with the Sony hack
    1:36:07 was not that the systems were disabled.
    1:36:09 It’s that information was revealed.
    1:36:10 You want to create civil war in this country.
    1:36:13 Just reveal everybody’s emails for the past year.
    1:36:15 The things that we’ve said about each other, you know.
    1:36:17 I mean that like reveal truth in a sense, right?
    1:36:18 It was the great irony.
    1:36:21 So the obfuscation of these things in private
    1:36:23 helped to create a civil society.
    1:36:26 Our water systems, our infrastructure, our traffic lights,
    1:36:27 you know, I mean, all the things that you’ve seen
    1:36:31 in sci-fi movies when like things just start breaking,
    1:36:36 I’m actually amazed that our infrastructure globally,
    1:36:39 but you know, even in New York City, even in this office,
    1:36:42 there’s a million skews in this office.
    1:36:44 You know, above our heads right now,
    1:36:45 there’s an HVAC system.
    1:36:46 Like the fact that we trust this system
    1:36:49 and it’s not gonna fall and explode or blow up like,
    1:36:52 and then we’re shocked when these things do,
    1:36:54 but I’m constantly amazed that the entropy,
    1:36:57 the forces of entropy are constrained
    1:36:59 by either really good engineering
    1:37:02 or inspection of systems or whatever it might be,
    1:37:03 the maintenance of systems,
    1:37:05 which is another really interesting thing.
    1:37:07 This idea of maintenance.
    1:37:11 Like the past 10 years have been all about growth,
    1:37:12 growth, growth, growth.
    1:37:15 You go to financial statement on CapEx,
    1:37:16 you’ve got growth and you’ve got maintenance.
    1:37:19 And I think in a world where rising cost of capital
    1:37:21 keeps going up for a variety of reasons.
    1:37:22 I think there’s a ton of dry powder
    1:37:24 and venture capital and private equity,
    1:37:25 but a lot of it I call wet powder
    1:37:27 because this money is basically reserved
    1:37:29 for companies and people don’t realize.
    1:37:32 Reshoring, all of these things, you know,
    1:37:33 tariffs, they’re gonna be inflationary,
    1:37:35 they’re gonna be a rising cost of capital.
    1:37:37 If you have a rising cost of capital,
    1:37:40 if you are a CFO or you’re on a board
    1:37:41 and you’re thinking about good governance
    1:37:43 and capital allocation,
    1:37:44 we’re not buying the next new hot thing
    1:37:46 unless we really have to like AI today.
    1:37:47 – Yeah.
    1:37:49 – We’re thinking about how do we maintain
    1:37:50 the existing assets we have?
    1:37:52 And those assets could be satellites up in space,
    1:37:54 they could be military installations,
    1:37:56 they could be our telecom infrastructure,
    1:37:59 our bridges, our waterways, sanitation, processing,
    1:38:01 our HVAC systems, our industrial systems,
    1:38:03 all those things that need to be maintained.
    1:38:06 So I’m increasingly interested in new technologies.
    1:38:08 This could be software, services, sensors,
    1:38:12 all kinds of things that can help apply to old systems
    1:38:12 to maintain them for longer,
    1:38:15 depreciate them for longer, let them last for longer.
    1:38:16 I think there’s gonna be increasing demand
    1:38:18 for maintenance of systems.
    1:38:20 But I’m amazed that everything around us
    1:38:21 is just not constantly breaking.
    1:38:24 It truly is like miraculous.
    1:38:25 – It is when you think about it, right?
    1:38:26 Yeah.
    1:38:28 What do you think of Doge?
    1:38:30 – The currency or the initiative?
    1:38:32 – The initiative, no talk crypt.
    1:38:36 I think it’s a virtuous thing because
    1:38:39 it’s shining a spotlight on a lot of things
    1:38:40 that were just done because they were done
    1:38:42 and you get this bloat.
    1:38:45 Or in some cases there was like overt obfuscation.
    1:38:48 So I think sunlight heals all and putting a spotlight
    1:38:52 on ridiculous spending or ridiculous inefficient things.
    1:38:56 I will say I grew up sort of a center left Democrat
    1:38:57 my entire life.
    1:38:59 The first time you go to the DMV,
    1:39:00 you become a Republican.
    1:39:04 Like it’s just like you want systems that have competition
    1:39:06 because competition makes things better
    1:39:08 because if you have a monopoly on something
    1:39:10 you don’t have to improve.
    1:39:12 If there’s one regional carrier for an airline,
    1:39:14 if there’s one restaurant,
    1:39:17 if there’s one place you have to go to for your passport,
    1:39:19 you don’t want that sort of centralized control
    1:39:20 because the service is going to suck
    1:39:22 because they don’t have to do any better.
    1:39:26 So I think if you can put a spotlight on excess
    1:39:29 and waste and bureaucracy and at least begin
    1:39:32 the conversations at a bare minimum of wait,
    1:39:34 we’re spending how much money on what?
    1:39:36 I think that that’s a virtuous thing.
    1:39:39 Whether or not these things will be effective
    1:39:42 at really reducing costs, TBD,
    1:39:44 but it actually seems quite positive
    1:39:46 that they may hit some of their targets
    1:39:49 of trying to reach what is it a billion a day or more.
    1:39:52 And if that could end up reducing the deficit by 10%
    1:39:54 or 20% let alone 50% going from two trillion
    1:39:56 to a trillion would be incredible.
    1:39:59 So whatever the motivation,
    1:40:00 I don’t believe it’s patriotism.
    1:40:02 It could be intellectually competitive.
    1:40:03 It could be power.
    1:40:04 Whatever the motivation,
    1:40:07 I think that the means to the end,
    1:40:09 I think the end is a virtuous pursuit.
    1:40:12 If you were to take over a country effectively
    1:40:15 and you were in charge of policies and regulations,
    1:40:17 what would you do to attract capital
    1:40:21 and become competitive over the next 20 or 30 years?
    1:40:22 What sort of things would you implement?
    1:40:25 What would you get away from and not do?
    1:40:27 Well, I have an adjacent answer
    1:40:29 of if I were Secretary of State or Secretary of Defense
    1:40:31 for the day, which I’ll give you first,
    1:40:34 which is I would really put priority on Africa
    1:40:36 as a continent and particularly that Sahel Maghreb
    1:40:38 because I do believe between violent extremists,
    1:40:41 Russian mercenaries, China infrastructure,
    1:40:43 you are one terror event away projected into Europe
    1:40:45 that creates the next Afghanistan
    1:40:48 and suddenly NATO and the US are in there dealing with ISIS.
    1:40:50 You’re already seeing the first authorized strike
    1:40:53 by Trump on ISIS in Somalia.
    1:40:58 And so you’ve got Sudan, Chad, Mali, Niger,
    1:41:00 like it is just a hotbed of people
    1:41:02 that were coming from Syria and Afghanistan,
    1:41:05 Islamic extremists, it is a bad situation.
    1:41:07 And I think that we should be proactive there
    1:41:08 before we have to be reactive
    1:41:10 and it’s a lot more costly in lives and money
    1:41:12 and blood and treasure.
    1:41:12 The second thing I would do is a
    1:41:15 hemispheric hegemony declaration.
    1:41:19 I just went to Nicaragua, Nicaragua for a variety of reasons.
    1:41:20 We went instead of Costa Rica,
    1:41:22 but I feel much safer in Costa Rica.
    1:41:23 And I was worried that I was not gonna be able
    1:41:24 to leave Nicaragua and we went with a friend
    1:41:26 who happens to be a prominent journalist.
    1:41:28 He was not allowed entry into the country.
    1:41:31 So it really through our family vacation,
    1:41:35 his family of five, my family of five for a wrench
    1:41:39 because the government is trying to take over
    1:41:42 the banking system and they don’t want it to be covered
    1:41:43 by financial journalists and these kinds of things.
    1:41:46 And you look at who is in there
    1:41:48 and you literally have presence from Hezbollah,
    1:41:51 from China, CCP, from Iran.
    1:41:52 It’s a bad situation.
    1:41:58 The places that we think in most of Central America’s,
    1:42:01 Caribbean, South America are vacation spots
    1:42:04 where we get our coffee and we go on a nice vacation,
    1:42:06 massive infiltration from adversaries.
    1:42:09 And so I think we are losing the game
    1:42:11 and I would declare almost like a new monorail doctrine
    1:42:15 kind of thing where we say the entire Western hemisphere,
    1:42:17 you’ve got a billion people,
    1:42:21 both ability to project into the Pacific and the Atlantic.
    1:42:24 You’ve got mostly English and Spanish speaking people
    1:42:25 safer Brazil with Portuguese.
    1:42:27 You’ve got a ton of resources,
    1:42:30 a ton of brilliant educated doctors and whatnot.
    1:42:31 And I would just shore up this hemisphere,
    1:42:33 particularly against a crink,
    1:42:34 you know, China, Russia, Iran, North Korea
    1:42:36 and their influence.
    1:42:38 If we were worried about like Cuba
    1:42:39 and the Cuba missile crisis
    1:42:43 and things proximate 90 miles or what from Florida,
    1:42:47 I think that China is doing very smart strategic things.
    1:42:48 So us going back in and saying,
    1:42:52 we’re gonna reclaim the Panama Canal and our influence on it,
    1:42:55 like forgetting about provocations of Mexico,
    1:42:58 of like the Gulf of America versus Gulf of Mexico.
    1:43:00 But I think that having influence in that region
    1:43:01 is really important.
    1:43:03 So those would be the two things as sect F or sect state
    1:43:06 that I would do is declare a hemispheric hegemony
    1:43:07 and make sure that we shore up our allies in the region
    1:43:10 and get out our adversaries and their presence in part
    1:43:11 because there’s so much commerce
    1:43:13 and money and infrastructure that’s going in
    1:43:15 and then focus on the Sahel and Maghreb in Africa.
    1:43:18 For country competition, brain drain,
    1:43:19 you want the best and the brightest.
    1:43:21 You need to fund basic research and basic science.
    1:43:22 It should be undirected.
    1:43:24 That’s the serendipity and the randomness
    1:43:26 and the optionality that leads to great breakthroughs.
    1:43:29 You want capital markets to be these low entropy carriers
    1:43:32 for high entropy entrepreneurial surprise.
    1:43:35 So predictable rules and regulations.
    1:43:37 I would lower, I don’t know why we don’t have a flat tax.
    1:43:38 I mean, I know why we don’t,
    1:43:42 but I would just have a flat tax, make it super simple.
    1:43:43 Rich people are gonna scout around
    1:43:45 and figure out how to get around the tax system anyway
    1:43:47 and poor people are burdened by it.
    1:43:49 I get progressive versus regressive,
    1:43:53 but I would just simplify our tax scheme massively.
    1:43:55 Anybody that is coming here
    1:43:56 and getting an education in this country,
    1:43:58 I would staple a visa as long as they stay here,
    1:44:01 work for American company for at least five years,
    1:44:03 let them become, we want the best and the brightest here.
    1:44:06 We are, as an example again,
    1:44:07 and I don’t mean to make this like all China,
    1:44:09 but they are our most dominant adversary,
    1:44:13 50% of all AI undergrads in the world today
    1:44:15 are being graduated by China.
    1:44:17 In our own country in the United States,
    1:44:22 38% of researchers in AI are from China.
    1:44:24 So we’re outnumbered even domestically, it’s a big deal.
    1:44:27 And we used to attract something like 23%
    1:44:31 of all foreign graduates here, that’s down to 15%.
    1:44:32 People are either going to other countries
    1:44:33 or staying in their own country.
    1:44:37 And so we need that, that’s what won us World War II.
    1:44:40 You know, if Einstein would have stayed in Germany or…
    1:44:43 – What causes that to happen is that the tax rate,
    1:44:45 is it opportunities available?
    1:44:46 Is it housing costs?
    1:44:49 Like what are the factors that go into people leaving?
    1:44:51 – Well, start with the attracting part.
    1:44:53 You know, as Walter Riston said,
    1:44:54 people go where they’re welcome
    1:44:56 and stay where they’re well treated.
    1:44:58 So we should be welcoming.
    1:44:59 Now there’s a debate about immigration
    1:45:03 and we should distinguish between the bad people
    1:45:05 and like brilliant people and we should want them here.
    1:45:08 – That just comes down to like basic batting.
    1:45:10 – Right, but you know, some of that is exploited.
    1:45:13 You know, a lot of these consultants with Wipro
    1:45:16 and some of the Indian business processes,
    1:45:20 BPO is the business processes operations, or outsourcing.
    1:45:23 Housing is a difficult one, but people can always figure out,
    1:45:24 New York City is expensive,
    1:45:26 but you can live in Long Island City
    1:45:27 and Brooklyn and Queens.
    1:45:33 But I think, yeah, housing availability,
    1:45:35 we have, I mean, our cities are so rich
    1:45:36 and filled with culture and people.
    1:45:37 And particularly if you’re a young person,
    1:45:39 you want to be around the density of that
    1:45:41 because you’re trying to find peers and a mate
    1:45:44 and all of that, even if you’re from another country,
    1:45:45 you go to New York, you can find your enclave
    1:45:48 of Korean or Chinese or Russian or Ukrainian
    1:45:52 or Israeli and Caribbean, it’s all here.
    1:45:54 So, yeah, I think just having a culture
    1:45:57 that embraces this and encourages it,
    1:45:59 you already have a robust venture capital system
    1:46:00 of risk taking, many other countries don’t have that.
    1:46:02 So that’s another thing.
    1:46:05 But if you were to design the system from scratch,
    1:46:08 you want openness with security.
    1:46:10 So some means of vetting.
    1:46:12 You want a great education system that can attract people
    1:46:15 that view it as a status to have graduated
    1:46:17 from that particular school.
    1:46:18 And people want to be around people,
    1:46:20 whether this is in a company or in a country
    1:46:21 that are like them, that are competitive
    1:46:24 and highly intellectual, that they respect or admire,
    1:46:25 want to compete with.
    1:46:26 So that’s number two.
    1:46:29 Their work, something that we did in the 1980s,
    1:46:31 I think it was in 1980 was the Bidol Act,
    1:46:33 where government funding for research
    1:46:36 would allow the university and the principal investigator
    1:46:38 to actually own the intellectual property
    1:46:39 that became an asset.
    1:46:42 That asset could be licensed to a company.
    1:46:45 It absolutely opened the floodgates for venture capital
    1:46:46 to be able to commercialize that.
    1:46:49 That happened to coincide with Orissa
    1:46:52 and allowing retirement plans to go into venture capital.
    1:46:54 So now you have a pool of risk capital,
    1:46:58 which you need for taking risk on unseasoned people
    1:46:59 and unseasoned companies.
    1:47:02 And then you need a robust capital market system
    1:47:04 to be able to continue to allocate money.
    1:47:05 But again, capital goes where it’s welcome,
    1:47:06 stays where it’s well treated,
    1:47:09 true of human capital, true of financial capital.
    1:47:12 And so a rules-based system, a strong military,
    1:47:13 if you were starting a country from scratch,
    1:47:14 you’re not gonna have that.
    1:47:17 But you need great allies then, think about Singapore.
    1:47:19 Yeah, I think that’s a phenomenal model.
    1:47:20 Singapore is a great model.
    1:47:21 – That’s awesome.
    1:47:23 I hope some of the government people we have
    1:47:25 are listening to this.
    1:47:27 I wanna come to IP for a second and copyright
    1:47:29 and then wrap it up here.
    1:47:33 So do you think that AI should be able to create IP
    1:47:34 or copyrighted material?
    1:47:36 Like if I tell AI to write a book,
    1:47:38 is should that be copyrightable?
    1:47:41 And who owns the copyright, the AI or me for the prompt?
    1:47:44 – It’s super complicated because the first debate
    1:47:45 about this, which is the great irony, right?
    1:47:48 Because open AI investors and stakeholders were up in arms
    1:47:50 that are one stole from open AI.
    1:47:51 But you can make the argument that open AI
    1:47:53 is trained on the repository of like the public internet
    1:47:56 and every art that’s ever been produced and whatnot.
    1:47:59 Now, if you were an art student and you went to the Louvre
    1:48:03 or to the Met or to MoMA and you sat there and studied it
    1:48:04 or took a picture of it.
    1:48:07 And then we learned through copying.
    1:48:09 We learned through symmetry and imitation
    1:48:11 and we remixed these things.
    1:48:14 And there’s this great, what is his name?
    1:48:17 Kirby who did everything as a remix.
    1:48:18 I just sent it to a friend,
    1:48:20 but it was like updated last year.
    1:48:24 And it’s so brilliant in its compilation
    1:48:29 of every facet of culture that you love from books
    1:48:33 to your Tarantino movie, to the Beatles, to art,
    1:48:34 to scenes and movies.
    1:48:37 Like it was all copied from something, you know?
    1:48:40 And you’re like, wait a second.
    1:48:42 That riff came from this 1940 song
    1:48:44 from this African American blues guitarist
    1:48:47 that John Leonard or Paul McCartney stole.
    1:48:50 And you’re like, and so everything was sort of stolen
    1:48:52 from somebody.
    1:48:54 It was imitated, tweaked slightly.
    1:48:56 And by the way, that’s what we are, right?
    1:48:58 I mean, you get two people who exist.
    1:49:00 And then there’s this genetic recombination
    1:49:02 of their source material.
    1:49:03 And every one of my kids are different,
    1:49:04 but they came from the,
    1:49:09 and so remixing is like how everything happens.
    1:49:12 And it’s like Matt Ridley said, ideas having sex.
    1:49:15 And so to your core question, yes,
    1:49:18 I think that if I do a calculation
    1:49:20 and I’m using a calculator instead of like
    1:49:22 doing math by pencil,
    1:49:25 that calculation is still an input into my output.
    1:49:29 If I’m using AI to generate art
    1:49:33 and it’s my prompt instead of the gesture of my brush
    1:49:35 and the strokes of my hand,
    1:49:37 then I think it should still be mine.
    1:49:41 Even if it was trained like a great art student was
    1:49:44 by staring and learning and studying and then emulating.
    1:49:45 And then these things evolve.
    1:49:47 You look at Picasso through all the different phases
    1:49:49 of his style of art,
    1:49:54 from like realism and portraiture to cubism and abstract.
    1:49:57 These things are just evolved until you find the white space
    1:49:59 that defines you.
    1:50:01 And that goes back to like,
    1:50:03 if I train all my AI and everything I’ve ever wrote,
    1:50:06 but then like my voice is,
    1:50:08 a new voice is rare and hard to create.
    1:50:13 So I actually think we should probably worry more about
    1:50:16 how do you break free from this constraints of these things?
    1:50:20 Then, should they be copyrightable?
    1:50:22 – Well, that goes back to our earlier conversation.
    1:50:24 Do we just end up in this lane that we can’t get out of?
    1:50:26 Or we don’t even recognize we’re in a lane, I guess.
    1:50:27 – Right.
    1:50:29 – In some ways, even more devastating.
    1:50:31 – And the brilliance of all of this, again,
    1:50:33 like I’m a big believer that we make our fictions
    1:50:35 and our fictions make us.
    1:50:37 And if you’ve watched Westworld,
    1:50:38 I don’t know if you’ve-
    1:50:40 – Watched an episode or two, yeah.
    1:50:41 – The first episode, you know,
    1:50:44 you have a guest who comes to the park
    1:50:46 and he’s sort of squinty-eyed looking at the host
    1:50:48 who’s actual robot that you learn later on,
    1:50:50 but he doesn’t know at the time.
    1:50:52 And he’s like looking at her and she goes,
    1:50:53 you want to ask, so ask.
    1:50:55 And she knew what he was going to ask her.
    1:50:56 And he goes, are you real?
    1:50:57 – Yeah.
    1:51:00 – And she goes, well, if you have to ask, does it matter?
    1:51:03 And, you know, I’m going to sort of spoiler alert
    1:51:04 on Westworld.
    1:51:08 It’s all about these hosts interacting with the guests
    1:51:10 and they’re there to serve the guests.
    1:51:12 But in fact, it’s the opposite
    1:51:14 because every host is watching and learning
    1:51:17 every small nuance, every gesture,
    1:51:18 every inflection of your voice,
    1:51:21 every cadence of your speech.
    1:51:24 And it’s learning you so that it can basically create
    1:51:25 a perfect simulacrum of you
    1:51:28 and 3D print biologically, a version of you.
    1:51:32 And so it’s a really profound philosophical question
    1:51:34 about how we’re interacting with these things.
    1:51:37 But all these things have been trained
    1:51:41 on the sum total of all human creation.
    1:51:42 And now they’re being trained
    1:51:43 on the sum total of human creation
    1:51:45 plus artificial creation.
    1:51:47 And some of that is done with human prompts
    1:51:49 and some of it is going to be done automatically.
    1:51:50 But I just think it’s going to be part
    1:51:54 of the total overture of creation.
    1:51:56 And I think it’s a beautiful thing.
    1:51:59 So does anything about this scare you?
    1:52:02 About AI, like the direction we’re heading?
    1:52:06 I think in the near term, the thing that scared me
    1:52:10 is what again, scarcity and abundance,
    1:52:13 what becomes abundant is people’s ability
    1:52:14 to use AI to produce content.
    1:52:17 And I don’t know if I’m getting an email from somebody.
    1:52:20 Did an AI ride it or optimize it
    1:52:23 or was it really a thoughtful note from John?
    1:52:26 This young college student who’s persistent,
    1:52:28 was it really them?
    1:52:31 And can I infer something about their persistence
    1:52:32 and their style of writing?
    1:52:34 Or did they put it into an AI and know
    1:52:37 from the repository of what influences me
    1:52:39 and what I’ve talked about and what I care about
    1:52:40 that they, you know, so many people are like,
    1:52:41 oh, I heard you on this podcast
    1:52:43 and I felt compelled to write you
    1:52:46 because I too care deeply about family
    1:52:46 and you know, blah, blah, blah, right?
    1:52:48 I mean, those are surface level stuff
    1:52:51 but somebody that’s more nuanced about it.
    1:52:53 Am I being manipulated by them or by the AI?
    1:52:55 And if it’s them, there’s a cleverness to it
    1:52:56 that I might admire.
    1:52:59 If it’s just the AI, I feel suddenly more vulnerable.
    1:53:02 So what becomes abundant is the sort of,
    1:53:04 not just information, misinformation or whatever
    1:53:05 but the production of it,
    1:53:08 what becomes scarce is veracity and truth.
    1:53:13 And that to me was less scary
    1:53:16 but more you need to be inoculated
    1:53:18 and immunized, vaccinated
    1:53:19 and you’re almost going to become
    1:53:21 a little bit more distrusting
    1:53:24 but like your reactions right now,
    1:53:25 I might say something and you might say,
    1:53:28 oh, and maybe you actually thought it was profound
    1:53:30 or maybe you’re like, this is not interesting at all
    1:53:32 but there’s something authentic, right?
    1:53:35 About this and we are reading each other
    1:53:36 and reacting to each other.
    1:53:38 That to me is going to become ever more valuable.
    1:53:43 So our humanity, the interactions are the scarce thing.
    1:53:48 Even if and as through other mediums, it’s hard to tell.
    1:53:50 I love that.
    1:53:51 I always love talking to you too.
    1:53:55 So I get so much energy and ideas out of our conversations
    1:53:56 and I’ll be chewing on this for weeks.
    1:53:59 I know we always end with, what is success for you?
    1:54:00 You’ve answered this before,
    1:54:02 I’m curious to see how it changes.
    1:54:05 It really is the eyes of my kids.
    1:54:07 It is for me, them saying my dad did that
    1:54:10 or my dad made that or my dad was present for me.
    1:54:13 And I think it’s the story I tell myself
    1:54:16 about my own life and my relationship with my father
    1:54:17 and wanting to invert that.
    1:54:22 And so for me, success is like them saying I’m proud.
    1:54:24 He was my dad, he was a great father
    1:54:26 and I’m proud that he does all these things.
    1:54:30 And when we find a company or like some of these secrets
    1:54:33 that I talked about, I share them with my kids.
    1:54:35 And so I was taking my middle daughter
    1:54:37 to my oldest place tennis, my middle does soccer.
    1:54:40 My little guy plays basketball like 10 days a week.
    1:54:42 He’s better at nine years old than I was at 19
    1:54:44 and I was reasonably good.
    1:54:47 And I like sharing these stories.
    1:54:49 So I’m like, you know, next week there’s a story
    1:54:52 that’s gonna come out about this particular thing.
    1:54:55 And nobody knows about it except the company and now you.
    1:54:57 And they’re like, oh my God, really?
    1:54:58 And I’m like, yeah.
    1:54:59 And like, you can’t tell anybody, you know?
    1:55:01 And I just, I love that feeling.
    1:55:02 – That’s awesome.
    1:55:03 – And I do it in part.
    1:55:05 Not because I want them to learn about it,
    1:55:06 but I want them to be proud of me
    1:55:09 as selfish and Vainglorious as that is.
    1:55:11 And to be like, oh, my dad’s cool, you know?
    1:55:12 So that’s a success.
    1:55:13 – I think you’re cool.
    1:55:15 You’re not my dad, but man.
    1:55:17 – I’ll tell you, my 15-year-old daughter
    1:55:19 definitively does not think I’m cool.
    1:55:21 She says, you are so cringe.
    1:55:24 – And I think everybody’s kids say that, right?
    1:55:25 It’s the same with my kids.
    1:55:26 Like, instead of telling them something,
    1:55:28 all sometimes they might be listening to this,
    1:55:31 but I’ll get my friends to tell them.
    1:55:32 And then all of a sudden it holds weight.
    1:55:35 But if I tell them the same thing, like, yeah, whatever.
    1:55:37 – Same thing with our spouses and that, yeah.
    1:55:38 – Thank you very much.
    1:55:40 – She ain’t always great to do with you.
    1:55:43 I admire what you’ve built and the repository
    1:55:46 and compendium of the ideas and the minds
    1:55:46 that you’ve assembled.
    1:55:48 It’s like a great thing for the world.
    1:55:49 Thank you.
    1:55:50 – Thank you.
    1:55:52 Thank you for listening and learning with me.
    1:55:54 If you’ve enjoyed this episode,
    1:55:56 consider leaving a five-star rating or review.
    1:55:58 It’s a small action on your part
    1:56:00 that helps us reach more curious minds.
    1:56:03 You can stay connected with Furnham Street on social media
    1:56:06 and explore more insights at fs.blog,
    1:56:08 where you’ll find past episodes,
    1:56:11 our mental models, and thought-provoking articles.
    1:56:13 While you’re there, check out my book, “Clear Thinking.”
    1:56:16 Through engaging stories and actionable mental models,
    1:56:20 it helps you bridge the gap between intention and action.
    1:56:24 So your best decisions become your default decisions.
    1:56:25 Until next time.
    1:56:27 you
    1:56:29 you

    While Silicon Valley chases unicorns, Josh Wolfe hunts for something far more elusive: scientific breakthroughs that could change civilization. As co-founder and managing partner of Lux Capital, he’s looking for the kind of science that turns impossible into inevitable. Josh doesn’t just invest in the future—he sees it coming before almost anyone else. 

     

    In this conversation, we explore: 

    • The rapid evolution of AI and potential bottlenecks slowing its growth 
    • The geopolitical battle for technological dominance and rise of sovereign AI models 
    • How advances in automation, robotics, and defence are shifting global power dynamics 
    • Josh’s unfiltered thoughts on Tesla and Elon Musk 
    • AI’s revolution of medical research 
    • Parenting in a tech-dominated world 
    • How AI is forcing us to rethink creativity, intellectual property, and human intelligence itself 
    • Why the greatest risk isn’t AI itself—but our ability to separate truth from noise 

     

    Despite the challenges ahead, Josh remains profoundly optimistic about human potential. He believes technology isn’t replacing what makes us human—it’s amplifying it. This episode will challenge how you think about innovation, risk, and the forces shaping our future. If you want to stay ahead of the curve, you can’t afford to miss it. 

     

    Josh Wolfe co-founded Lux Capital to support scientists and entrepreneurs who pursue counter-conventional solutions to the most vexing puzzles of our time. He previously worked in investment banking at Salomon Smith Barney and in capital markets at Merrill Lynch. Josh is a columnist with Forbes and Editor for the Forbes/Wolfe Emerging Tech Report. 

    (00:00:00) Introduction

    (00:01:42) Interview with Josh Wolfe

    (00:02:46) Current Obsessions

    (00:05:11) AI and its Limitations

    (00:10:58) Memory Players in AI

    (00:13:27) Human Intelligence as a Limiting Factor

    (00:15:38) Disruption in Elite Professions

    (00:17:15) AI and Blue-Collar Jobs

    (00:18:29) Implications of AI in Coding

    (00:19:40) AI and Company Margins

    (00:25:48) AI in Pharma

    (00:26:44) AI in Entertainment

    (00:28:04) AI in Scientific Research

    (00:30:24) AI in Scientific Research

    (00:33:31) AI in Patent Creation

    (00:34:49) AI in Company Creation

    (00:35:33) Discussion on Tesla and Elon Musk

    (00:40:54) AI in Investment Decisions

    (00:42:20) AI in Analyzing Business Fundamentals

    (00:45:27) AI, Privacy, and Information Gods

    (00:53:04) AI and Art

    (00:56:43) AI and Human Connection

    (00:58:22) AI, Aging, and Memory

    (01:00:46) The Impact of Remote Work on Social Dynamics

    (01:03:18) The Role of Community and Belonging

    (01:05:44) The Pursuit of Longevity

    (01:11:58) The Importance of Family and Purpose

    (01:14:18) Information Processing and Workflow

    (01:23:00) AI and Personal Style

    (01:26:03) Investment in Military Technology

    (01:28:09) Global Conflict and Military Deterrence

    (01:31:28) Information Warfare

    (01:32:32) Infiltration and Weaponization of Systems

    (01:37:06) Infrastructure Maintenance and Growth

    (01:38:27) DOGE Initiative

    (01:40:09) Attracting Capital and Global Competitiveness

    (01:43:16) Attracting Talent and Immigration

    (01:45:42) Designing a System from Scratch

    (01:47:30) AI and Intellectual Property

    (01:51:56) The Fear of AI

    (01:53:57) Defining Success

    (01:55:38) Closing Remarks

     

    Newsletter – The Brain Food newsletter delivers actionable insights and thoughtful ideas every Sunday. It takes 5 minutes to read, and it’s completely free. Learn more and sign up at fs.blog/newsletter

    Upgrade — If you want to hear my thoughts and reflections at the end of the episode, join our membership: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠fs.blog/membership⁠⁠ and get your own private feed.

    Watch on YouTube: @tkppodcast

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  • Raging Moderates: The Real Housewives of the Oval Office (Feat. Anthony Scaramucci & Gov. JB Pritzker)

    AI transcript
    0:00:02 Support for Prop G comes from better help.
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    0:00:36 That’s betterhelphlp.com/provg.
    0:00:40 – I always thought anxiety and worry were the same thing,
    0:00:42 but worry is actually, it’s a behavior.
    0:00:44 It’s almost like a self-soothing behavior.
    0:00:46 And people who are very anxious
    0:00:48 think that if you just worry enough,
    0:00:50 you won’t be anxious anymore.
    0:00:53 But instead, worry can make you more anxious,
    0:00:56 like you’re never gonna get to the end of the worrying.
    0:00:58 If it’s a behavior, why not change it?
    0:01:01 This week on “The Gray Area,”
    0:01:04 I talked to Olga Hazan about our personalities
    0:01:05 and whether we can change them.
    0:01:07 Listen to “The Gray Area” with me, Sean Elling.
    0:01:10 New episodes every Monday, available everywhere.
    0:01:14 – Support for property comes from Viori.
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    0:01:55 (upbeat music)
    0:01:59 – Welcome to “Raging Moderates.”
    0:02:00 I’m Jessica Tarlev.
    0:02:01 Scott is off today,
    0:02:03 but I’ve got the great Anthony Scaramucci on the show.
    0:02:05 Anthony, welcome.
    0:02:06 How are you doing?
    0:02:07 Thank you for joining me.
    0:02:10 – Well, it’s very sweet of you to bring me on.
    0:02:12 And I haven’t seen you in the flesh in a long time.
    0:02:15 We used to work at Fox together.
    0:02:17 People forget that, ’cause it’s probably a decade now,
    0:02:20 but I hosted Wall Street Week for Fox Business.
    0:02:22 And we used to be able to share the set together
    0:02:25 on the Fox News channel and also Fox Business.
    0:02:26 So it’s great to be with you.
    0:02:27 – Yeah, those were,
    0:02:30 I can’t believe how long ago that is,
    0:02:33 but also how long I’ve been there.
    0:02:35 Like, when I want to ask about it,
    0:02:38 I’m like, it’s my entire media life has been at Fox,
    0:02:39 but that was great.
    0:02:40 And Wall Street Week was such a great,
    0:02:43 and I don’t want to say serious.
    0:02:44 It was obviously serious.
    0:02:45 There was some levity to it,
    0:02:47 but it was so substantive.
    0:02:48 That’s the word that I’m looking for.
    0:02:50 Wall Street Week was so substantive.
    0:02:52 And look, Maria Bartiromo, a very good friend of mine,
    0:02:53 is still doing that show.
    0:02:55 She calls it Maria Bartiromo’s Wall Street.
    0:02:58 And so the show had legs,
    0:03:01 and I got the education of my lifetime
    0:03:05 ’cause I left Fox to join the Trump administration.
    0:03:08 And so it’s been the education of my life.
    0:03:10 – Well, we still talk about your tenure there,
    0:03:15 Scare Mucci’s, or Oscar Mucci is a…
    0:03:16 I don’t want to say daily use.
    0:03:18 I mean, certainly on the internet, it’s a daily use,
    0:03:19 but we think about it.
    0:03:21 But you have a unique perspective.
    0:03:23 – Yeah, listen, I’m just glad that the president,
    0:03:25 when the president goes after me
    0:03:29 on his Truth Social account, he does use 11 days.
    0:03:30 And I think he should be the official scorer
    0:03:33 because some of these journalists that don’t like me,
    0:03:35 they use 10 days, and that hurts my feelings, Jess.
    0:03:38 I don’t want to have my feelings hurt, right?
    0:03:41 Why chip me at a 9.1% of my federal career?
    0:03:43 – No, it’s interesting that he’s the one
    0:03:45 that’s more generous about it, though.
    0:03:48 – Yeah, yeah, well, I mean, he knows, he knows.
    0:03:49 – He knows exactly.
    0:03:50 There are some things he does know,
    0:03:52 and he knows exactly how long someone worked for him.
    0:03:55 – Exactly, he lies about a lot of things,
    0:03:57 but he’s got my employment tenure, correct.
    0:03:59 – All right, well, I’m always searching
    0:04:00 for positive things to say about him.
    0:04:02 So now you’ve given me one.
    0:04:04 – Yeah, well, I could say other positive things about him.
    0:04:05 – Yeah, well, wait for the show, I was kidding.
    0:04:07 I have some good things.
    0:04:09 I have a list that I always go back to.
    0:04:12 I talk about the Abraham Accords, we’ll always do that.
    0:04:14 But he’s not always the most generous.
    0:04:18 He has tweeted and then post getting kicked off Twitter,
    0:04:19 he has truth socialed about me,
    0:04:23 but he never gives me an extra 9.1% of anything.
    0:04:25 It’s always pretty brutal,
    0:04:28 but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
    0:04:31 – Hey, at least you’re in the space, you know?
    0:04:34 I want to be in Trump’s headspace,
    0:04:36 and I want to be one of his irritants.
    0:04:38 – I think you’re pretty effectively doing that,
    0:04:40 but let’s hope that we can continue
    0:04:42 to push that goal forward in today’s episode.
    0:04:45 So we are going to be talking about Trump’s explosive
    0:04:47 meeting with Zelensky, the state of the free press
    0:04:48 and free speech in the White House.
    0:04:50 And later on, I have an interview with Governor Pritzker
    0:04:52 to talk about how he’s standing up
    0:04:54 to the Trump administration.
    0:04:55 So Anthony, let’s get into it.
    0:04:58 Last week, I think saying it got heated
    0:05:01 as an understatement of what went on in the Oval Office.
    0:05:02 Donald Trump and Zelensky’s meeting turned
    0:05:04 into a full blown shouting match.
    0:05:06 Trump aerated the Ukrainian leader
    0:05:08 while Vice President JD Vance questioned
    0:05:10 whether Zelensky had shown enough gratitude
    0:05:11 for U.S. support.
    0:05:14 Zelensky left early, the press conference was scrapped,
    0:05:16 and Trump later posted that Zelensky can return
    0:05:19 when he is, quote, “ready for peace.”
    0:05:22 Where do you think this leaves U.S.-Ukraine relations?
    0:05:24 And what’s your general response?
    0:05:26 I’ve seen some of your posts on social media,
    0:05:28 but for our audience, can you just talk about, you know,
    0:05:30 your gut reaction to what happened
    0:05:32 and where you think we are now?
    0:05:35 – Well, first of all, I maintain that that was a setup.
    0:05:39 And I maintain that the way JD Vance,
    0:05:42 Vice President Branson, went after President Zelensky
    0:05:45 was a setup and it was contrived.
    0:05:48 And I, you know, I watched it now several times.
    0:05:51 I think the one thing that President Zelensky did,
    0:05:54 which I wish he didn’t do was he said, you know,
    0:05:55 you’re protected by this ocean,
    0:05:58 but you’ll see what will happen.
    0:06:00 And that obviously antagonized Trump.
    0:06:03 But the outcome of that would have been the same.
    0:06:07 If Zelensky was Mother Teresa in that meeting,
    0:06:10 and he was the combination of Keir Starmer and Macron
    0:06:14 and other people that have been lauded by the press
    0:06:16 for doing well with Trump,
    0:06:18 it’s still that would have been the outcome.
    0:06:20 They were trying to get that outcome.
    0:06:22 They were trying to eject him.
    0:06:25 For some reason, they’ve aligned themselves
    0:06:26 with the Kremlin.
    0:06:28 They use Kremlin talking points
    0:06:30 when they’re talking about the Ukrainian situation
    0:06:33 and the country, Ukraine.
    0:06:35 And that’s fine.
    0:06:37 I don’t agree with it, but that’s them, right?
    0:06:39 So they went hard at them.
    0:06:41 Trump is a television producer.
    0:06:44 He even admitted that this is good TV
    0:06:46 and reality television,
    0:06:49 which Trump was a star of for many years.
    0:06:50 You need conflict.
    0:06:53 And so this is the conflict set up.
    0:06:56 It was sort of like watching the real housewives
    0:06:58 of the Oval Office when they were doing this
    0:07:00 to President Zelensky.
    0:07:03 And I think it has real ramifications
    0:07:04 for the United States.
    0:07:05 I just want to give you this analogy.
    0:07:08 And I want your viewers and listeners to think about this.
    0:07:10 Let’s say you have a blue collar kid
    0:07:12 and he rises in his family.
    0:07:14 He’s got a lot of poor people in his family
    0:07:17 and he rises and he’s wealthy now.
    0:07:18 And so maybe he buys a few cars
    0:07:21 or maybe he helps out with some tuitions
    0:07:23 or plays some emergency medical expenses.
    0:07:25 That’s one family.
    0:07:28 And then the other family, the same thing happens.
    0:07:29 And the person builds this big, beautiful mansion
    0:07:31 with a swimming pool.
    0:07:32 And then they say to their family members,
    0:07:35 okay, you can come over to my swimming pool today
    0:07:38 on a Saturday, but I’m gonna charge you admission
    0:07:40 into my swimming pool.
    0:07:43 And America has to understand something about itself,
    0:07:44 whether they like it or not.
    0:07:47 The world sees America very different
    0:07:49 than Americans see America.
    0:07:51 And so how does the world, at least when I was growing up
    0:07:54 in the world, the world saw America
    0:07:56 as a benevolent country generally.
    0:08:01 The world saw America as a peacekeeping country generally.
    0:08:03 Not that we didn’t have failures in Vietnam
    0:08:06 or Afghanistan and so forth, but in general,
    0:08:09 we were trying to provide a security umbrella
    0:08:11 for the free world.
    0:08:13 And Trump doesn’t understand this
    0:08:15 and I tried to explain it to him in 2016,
    0:08:17 but he dismissed me.
    0:08:20 Eisenhower didn’t want them to spend the 2%.
    0:08:23 Eisenhower was the first head of NATO
    0:08:27 and he told Marshall, don’t let him get to that threshold.
    0:08:30 The less military spending around the world,
    0:08:34 the better, we’re a benevolent democracy, we’ll spend.
    0:08:39 He didn’t want Germany to rearm back in the 1940s and ’50s.
    0:08:42 And so Trump wants them to, okay, world has changed,
    0:08:46 I accept all of that, but let’s not pretend
    0:08:49 that we didn’t have a thought process involved.
    0:08:51 Yes, we unevened the trading system
    0:08:54 with the general agreement of trade and tariffs.
    0:08:54 Why did we do that?
    0:08:57 We were 2% of the world’s population,
    0:09:00 65% of the world’s output in the late ’40s,
    0:09:03 and we were trying to create rising living standards.
    0:09:07 So we accepted goods into our country unfettered
    0:09:10 and we were willing to accept some form of tariffs
    0:09:13 on our goods to protect those labor markets
    0:09:16 so that we could protect freedom around the world.
    0:09:19 Trump now wants to go to reciprocal tariffs everywhere.
    0:09:24 A lot of his trade specialists,
    0:09:27 I won’t go into which ones ’cause they’ll be mad at me,
    0:09:28 don’t like it.
    0:09:32 They think a more surgical approach would be better.
    0:09:35 And so now he wants to hijack Zelensky.
    0:09:38 Zelensky’s country was invaded.
    0:09:43 1994, we entered into a security guarantee with Ukraine.
    0:09:46 They had the sixth largest nuclear arsenal.
    0:09:50 We’re trying to end nuclear proliferation.
    0:09:54 Now we’re trying to increase nuclear proliferation.
    0:09:55 We know that that can’t go well,
    0:09:58 so we’re trying to slow it down.
    0:10:01 And so then we had something called Operation Porcupine
    0:10:04 where we were providing all this anti-ballistic missile
    0:10:07 defense, anti-tank defense.
    0:10:09 Trump slows down the arm shipments.
    0:10:11 He creates space for Putin.
    0:10:13 Look, we’ve got to be fair, right?
    0:10:15 We’re raging moderates on there.
    0:10:19 Biden mishandled the 2022 situation.
    0:10:20 He mishandled it.
    0:10:22 They’re too surgical.
    0:10:24 They should have said to Putin, look, I’m sorry.
    0:10:28 That is a neighbor you’re trespassing on their land.
    0:10:29 You’re gonna get hit like what happened
    0:10:31 with Bosnia and Herzegovina.
    0:10:34 We’re not gonna hit you in your sovereign territory,
    0:10:38 but as your troops cross into their sovereign territory,
    0:10:39 you’re gonna get hit.
    0:10:41 That’s our security guarantee.
    0:10:43 So if you wanna negotiate something
    0:10:45 and you wanna have a 10-year impasse on NATO,
    0:10:48 or by the way, you wanna try to get back into the G8,
    0:10:51 no problem, but you can’t come into that territory.
    0:10:54 And he could have made a speech like Roosevelt made.
    0:10:55 Remember when Roosevelt said,
    0:10:58 well, I’m gonna lend, my neighbor’s house is on fire.
    0:11:00 I’m gonna lend them my garden hose.
    0:11:01 And then the people of the United States said,
    0:11:04 okay, that’s Len Lise, we’re good with it.
    0:11:06 Biden should have said, hey, look, I’m sorry,
    0:11:08 they’re trespassing on our neighbor’s yard.
    0:11:10 That goes well in Texas, by the way.
    0:11:12 You know, you’re trespassing on your yard.
    0:11:14 We’re gonna take the gun out and shoot the guy.
    0:11:16 Okay, no problem.
    0:11:18 Okay, but we didn’t do that.
    0:11:21 And we set the seed for this equivocation.
    0:11:24 And what we’ve done with our military the last 60 years
    0:11:25 is exactly that.
    0:11:28 We take measured steps, measured steps,
    0:11:30 and measured steps never work.
    0:11:32 And now we’ve got a good portion
    0:11:35 of Ukrainian territory taken by the Russians.
    0:11:38 And we have an American leader now that wants to,
    0:11:39 I guess, let that happen.
    0:11:43 I don’t know, but I’m against it.
    0:11:47 And I think we have to get backbone in the country.
    0:11:49 We have to get organized descent.
    0:11:50 And we have to explain to the American people
    0:11:52 why we’re against that.
    0:11:56 We’re against that because we are for freedom.
    0:12:00 We’re against that because 5.7 billion people live
    0:12:02 under totalitarianism.
    0:12:04 We’re against that because we understand our history
    0:12:09 and we know if we band together, we can protect ourselves.
    0:12:09 So we’re against that.
    0:12:11 But if you’re telling me now, Trump wants a sphere
    0:12:16 of influence and he’s gonna, I guess, annex Canada
    0:12:21 and take back Panama Canal and buy or annex Greenland.
    0:12:24 And he’s gonna have a North American sphere of influence
    0:12:27 and Putin’s gonna have a partial Eurasian sphere
    0:12:30 of influence with the Chinese.
    0:12:32 And we’re going to be indifferent to Europe
    0:12:35 and Eastern Europe and the Western European democracies.
    0:12:36 Okay.
    0:12:39 But if we’re doing that, we gotta litigate that, Jess.
    0:12:44 We can’t just say, okay, we’re gonna let that happen.
    0:12:46 How are we gonna let that happen?
    0:12:47 – I agree with you.
    0:12:51 I just also happen to think that the last few years,
    0:12:52 we just had the third anniversary
    0:12:54 of Russia’s invasion of Ukraine,
    0:12:57 there’s been ample time for people on both sides of the aisle
    0:12:59 who feel the same way that we do
    0:13:04 about protecting democracies and giving Ukraine the chance,
    0:13:05 not only to be a sovereign nation,
    0:13:09 but to even get into NATO and to be part of this group with us
    0:13:11 have had the opportunity to litigate that
    0:13:12 to the American public, right?
    0:13:15 There have been, you know, everyone, you know,
    0:13:18 high up on either side, the Chuck Schumer’s of the world,
    0:13:20 Mitch McConnell’s of the world, President Biden,
    0:13:23 President Trump used to be speaking a lot more fondly
    0:13:24 about Ukraine, certainly than he has been
    0:13:26 in the last couple of weeks.
    0:13:29 It seems like some sort of switch has flipped,
    0:13:33 but the American public is not as open to that argument
    0:13:36 anymore, obviously Republicans more than Democrats,
    0:13:38 but over 40% of the American public thinks
    0:13:40 we just give too much aid to Ukraine.
    0:13:44 And we are in an enormously selfish phase
    0:13:47 in American history where people are saying,
    0:13:49 well, what about me?
    0:13:50 What about my life here?
    0:13:52 And that’s a result of the fact
    0:13:54 that our leadership has never been able
    0:13:58 to properly explain why USAID is a good thing,
    0:14:02 why it makes sense to keep people safe and fed abroad,
    0:14:05 because it pumps money back into our economy anyway,
    0:14:07 but being in a safer, more prosperous world
    0:14:11 is better for a safer and more prosperous America.
    0:14:14 And I fear that it is too late for that.
    0:14:17 I was particularly struck by the scenes
    0:14:20 out of the meeting in London on Sunday
    0:14:23 with all the European leaders and the NATO leaders.
    0:14:27 And you think while we were a major topic of conversation,
    0:14:29 the US and getting us back to the table
    0:14:32 and that maybe Zelensky just has to sign
    0:14:36 that minerals rights deal, which seems like a big loser
    0:14:39 for him since it has no security allowances,
    0:14:43 but you see the rest of the world or our friends
    0:14:44 or who I thought were our friends
    0:14:46 going about their business without us.
    0:14:49 And it doesn’t feel like at least for the next three
    0:14:51 and a half years that the US is going
    0:14:54 to want back on that ramp, right?
    0:14:55 We are choosing a different path in it.
    0:14:58 So do you actually think it’s possible
    0:15:02 to make that argument to an American electorate
    0:15:04 that doesn’t seem that interested in it?
    0:15:08 – Okay, so I think you’re making a brilliant analysis
    0:15:09 of what’s happening. – That’s why I invited you
    0:15:12 on this podcast, Anthony, thank you.
    0:15:13 – Well, but– – Just say I was brilliant.
    0:15:16 – Okay, okay, I do think it’s a brilliant analysis
    0:15:18 and I just want to go back a little bit
    0:15:21 and I want to get your reaction to what I’m about to say.
    0:15:26 So I think our failure has to do with political service
    0:15:31 and public service indifference born
    0:15:34 from the laxity of getting reelected.
    0:15:35 And just hear me out for a second.
    0:15:39 So Ross Perot enters the race in 1992.
    0:15:43 He gets 19.9% of the vote as a third party,
    0:15:47 scares the life out of the Republicans and the Democrats.
    0:15:50 They strengthen the duopoly, they strengthen it.
    0:15:51 How do they do that?
    0:15:55 Tougher restrictions for third parties,
    0:15:58 tougher operational procedures, more signatures,
    0:16:02 lots more money, can’t form a third party the last three
    0:16:03 decades.
    0:16:06 Secondly that happens is they go after the gerrymandering
    0:16:08 with a vengeance, both sides do.
    0:16:10 And I submit to you, are we in a real democracy
    0:16:12 if the politicians are picking the voters?
    0:16:15 I thought the voters are supposed to pick the politicians.
    0:16:19 And so now we have a 14% approval rating for the Congress,
    0:16:21 just above Kim Il-Jung,
    0:16:26 but we have a 95% plus re-election rate for the incumbent.
    0:16:29 So it’s almost like having a chef
    0:16:32 got horrific yelp ratings for the restaurant,
    0:16:34 but the chef is still employed
    0:16:37 because it’s the only restaurant in town.
    0:16:40 And so what ends up happening is they become very lax,
    0:16:41 very complacent.
    0:16:44 Third thing that happens is Citizens United.
    0:16:46 Lots of money gushes into these people
    0:16:50 from big business, oligarchs, big pharma.
    0:16:51 Go look at the legislative agenda
    0:16:53 over the last 15 years.
    0:16:57 January 2010 was Citizens United decision.
    0:16:59 It’s all skewed towards them.
    0:17:01 It’s not skewed towards a little guy.
    0:17:03 And then let me weave in one more thing.
    0:17:05 And Bush would tell you this,
    0:17:06 George Bush made a mistake.
    0:17:11 Nine, in 2008, we made a decision
    0:17:16 to put a trillion dollars of tarp money into the banks.
    0:17:18 What Bush would tell you is
    0:17:21 he accidentally created Occupy Wall Street
    0:17:23 and he accidentally created the Tea Party Movement
    0:17:26 because there was nothing in there for the little guy.
    0:17:29 So the little guy said, what the hell is going on?
    0:17:31 You’re saving the banking executive’s job,
    0:17:33 I’m losing my house.
    0:17:37 And then those two movements morphed
    0:17:38 into the MAGA movement.
    0:17:40 What about me?
    0:17:44 I was once in a blue collar aspirational family,
    0:17:45 over 30 years of bad policy.
    0:17:49 I’m now in a blue collar, despirational family.
    0:17:53 Okay, and so everything you just said
    0:17:54 at the top line is true,
    0:17:57 but we have to understand how we got there.
    0:18:01 Okay, and this is a politician’s laps.
    0:18:03 You know, you’re raging moderates
    0:18:07 who used to vote for Jack Kennedy,
    0:18:09 Lyndon Johnson, their grandparents,
    0:18:11 or their great grandparents, Frank LaRusaville.
    0:18:15 There was nobody there, nobody there to help them.
    0:18:19 And so in comes Donald Trump in 2016 with his message
    0:18:22 and they’re like, hey, I’m a white, lower income voter.
    0:18:24 No one’s speaking to me anymore.
    0:18:27 He is, I’m with him whether he shoots somebody
    0:18:28 on Fifth Avenue.
    0:18:33 So unless you’re telling me you’re gonna find a leader
    0:18:35 that can go to the American people,
    0:18:38 explain to them what happened,
    0:18:42 and then tell them why where we are now is wrong.
    0:18:44 And we have to reset the table for ourselves
    0:18:48 and reset the table for our lower and middle income people,
    0:18:51 but also stay integrated into the world.
    0:18:54 You know, we got a problem because Trump doesn’t care.
    0:18:56 He’s very transactional.
    0:19:00 Trump is using Putin’s talking points.
    0:19:01 Why is he doing that?
    0:19:02 Okay, I don’t know.
    0:19:05 I’m not gonna say that he’s an agent for Vladimir Putin,
    0:19:07 but he acts like one.
    0:19:09 So why is he doing that?
    0:19:12 And then what you’re saying is absolutely true.
    0:19:16 50% of the country says, I’m done helping the world.
    0:19:18 I need help in my own backyard.
    0:19:21 And my response to those people is you’re right, you do,
    0:19:26 but we also need to help the world
    0:19:27 because if we don’t help the world
    0:19:29 and a fire breaks out somewhere in the world,
    0:19:31 we’re gonna get drawn into it.
    0:19:33 You know, USAID, you mentioned that.
    0:19:35 Let me just point this out.
    0:19:39 When we were pumping USAID into Guatemala
    0:19:42 and into the lower part of the Yucatan Peninsula,
    0:19:43 we had less border traffic
    0:19:47 because it’s like an ounce of prevention
    0:19:50 is worth more than a pound of cure.
    0:19:52 You put one, two, three billion dollars
    0:19:55 into those economies and people have jobs
    0:19:58 and they have some satisfactory living standards.
    0:20:00 They don’t run with their newborn baby
    0:20:03 800 miles to the border, right?
    0:20:06 But we’re now gonna cut the USAID
    0:20:10 and so you’re gonna cause more problems, more stress.
    0:20:13 But by the way, if you’ve got medical illnesses
    0:20:16 and you’ve got viral activity in Africa
    0:20:18 or other place parts in the world,
    0:20:20 are we breathing the same air?
    0:20:21 Jessica, are we?
    0:20:22 I think we are.
    0:20:24 So what’s gonna happen?
    0:20:25 What’s gonna happen?
    0:20:28 You don’t wanna stop the illnesses in Africa.
    0:20:31 You want them to transfer to everybody around the world.
    0:20:32 Is that what you wanna do?
    0:20:36 Okay, but again, it’s the rich mansion holder.
    0:20:38 Is he gonna help the world
    0:20:41 or is he gonna charge them to go to a swimming pool?
    0:20:43 You gotta make a decision
    0:20:45 and you gotta educate your people.
    0:20:47 Yes, yes, we left you out.
    0:20:51 We left you out due to our ignorance and our apathy,
    0:20:52 but we’ve gotta integrate you back in.
    0:20:53 Well, that brings me to a point
    0:20:57 that Scott has been making for the last couple of weeks,
    0:21:00 is that this all has to be framed around economics.
    0:21:02 Everyone is sick of the moral argument.
    0:21:03 They’re done with it.
    0:21:05 They’re not interested in like, well, we’re nice guys, right?
    0:21:06 And this is what nice guys do.
    0:21:08 They see something terrible
    0:21:10 and they wanna go and help someone.
    0:21:13 You have to hear about the brass tacks of what’s going on,
    0:21:17 like how our farmers are benefited by those USAID contracts.
    0:21:18 And a lot of Republican senators
    0:21:21 have been standing up and making those arguments.
    0:21:24 Senator Wicker, Senator Moran, for instance.
    0:21:25 Though I am in complete agreement
    0:21:28 and you said so many things that were interesting to me
    0:21:30 and I’m sure that I’m forgetting some of them,
    0:21:35 but I wanted to add to the Occupy Wall Street
    0:21:38 and Tea Party having a baby and we ended up with MAGA.
    0:21:41 And you said, we need someone who can speak to this.
    0:21:43 And I’ve been thinking a lot about Bernie Sanders
    0:21:47 who I have never been a supporter of in 2016.
    0:21:49 I was a big Hillary person.
    0:21:51 That was who the base wanted.
    0:21:53 The base of the Democratic Party
    0:21:55 has consistently been black voters.
    0:21:58 Bernie Sanders has never appealed to black voters
    0:22:00 in any sort of consistent or large way.
    0:22:04 But when you look at how the coalition got scrambled
    0:22:05 in this election,
    0:22:08 you say like white working class people like Donald Trump,
    0:22:10 well, look at the 2024 results.
    0:22:14 Now it’s black, Latino and white working class people
    0:22:16 and some Asian as well,
    0:22:18 liked what Donald Trump was selling.
    0:22:21 Now, do I think that they are permanently Republicans?
    0:22:25 No, I think Donald Trump is an incredibly special talent
    0:22:28 and has an appeal that cannot be replicated.
    0:22:30 But obviously they are open to someone
    0:22:33 that is going to be making an argument along the lines
    0:22:35 of the one, frankly, that Bernie Sanders is making.
    0:22:37 And he has been out there.
    0:22:41 He’s on and fighting oligarchy tour.
    0:22:45 Packing arenas, his spillover rooms are sometimes even bigger
    0:22:48 than the main room that he’s speaking in.
    0:22:51 And you see, he’s going to Republican states as well,
    0:22:54 that people are hankering to hear this message
    0:22:56 from someone who isn’t Donald Trump.
    0:22:59 There is an understanding that Donald Trump
    0:23:03 has conflicts of interest built into him inherently
    0:23:04 by being a business person.
    0:23:07 Not to mention the fact that his grift is so obvious
    0:23:09 and we’re going to get into this crypto strategic fund
    0:23:11 later on in the conversation.
    0:23:14 But people are very open to someone
    0:23:17 who has that economic populism to the way that they speak.
    0:23:18 Bernie is filling that void at the moment,
    0:23:21 but Bernie Sanders is not a sustainable option
    0:23:22 for the Democratic Party.
    0:23:25 He’s 83 years old and he’s already tried this
    0:23:25 a couple of times.
    0:23:29 So I’m very focused on who can possibly fill that void.
    0:23:31 And a very smart friend of mine
    0:23:35 who works in Democratic politics wrote an op-ed
    0:23:37 over the weekend that he put on Fox,
    0:23:38 which I appreciated because you should be talking
    0:23:40 to people who disagree with you.
    0:23:43 And he’s arguing for us to stop talking
    0:23:45 about rebuilding the Obama coalition.
    0:23:46 He’s like, it’s done.
    0:23:49 We have to find a growth strategy at this point
    0:23:52 and looking backwards to what worked
    0:23:55 for a generational talent in 2008
    0:23:58 is not going to get us anywhere in 2028
    0:24:01 when we have to fight this fight again.
    0:24:03 Oh, using the Kremlin talking points,
    0:24:08 I cannot even imagine how good they feel in Moscow.
    0:24:12 Right now you see Dmitry Peskov, Putin’s spokesperson
    0:24:17 out saying, the rapidly changing US foreign policy
    0:24:19 configurations coincides with our vision.
    0:24:22 You had Medvedev saying something similar,
    0:24:25 Putin probably thinking, how did I get this lucky?
    0:24:29 And you’ve said, I don’t know why he’s doing it,
    0:24:33 but I need someone to be able to tell me why, honestly.
    0:24:37 I get it that he wants to pick on the small guys.
    0:24:41 He thinks he can control Canada and Greenland and Panama
    0:24:45 has, I think more respect for the big powers in this,
    0:24:49 you know, China and Russia, Iran, maybe North Korea,
    0:24:51 but it feels as if we are now living
    0:24:53 in a full on gangster state
    0:24:55 where there is no moral code to it.
    0:24:57 And I look at someone like Marco Rubio
    0:25:00 and he has been a meme many times before,
    0:25:05 but now that picture of him sunk into the couch, right?
    0:25:07 During the meeting with Zelensky,
    0:25:10 his suit boxing up basically over his head
    0:25:13 where you think, has a man ever wanted to disappear
    0:25:16 from somewhere more than what’s going on with Marco Rubio?
    0:25:20 And then you hear reporting that he and Mike Walts,
    0:25:22 who has a similar view of the world,
    0:25:24 the National Security Advisor were the ones
    0:25:28 that executed the kicking Zelensky out of the White House,
    0:25:31 right, and essentially saying we’re done for the day
    0:25:32 on all of this.
    0:25:34 And what do you think has happened
    0:25:38 to these traditional neo-conservatives
    0:25:40 that have found their way into the Trump administration?
    0:25:42 Because I do not believe, and I know some of them,
    0:25:46 that they have just wiped the slate clean
    0:25:48 of everything that they have believed for decades.
    0:25:50 Some of them who sacrificed, you know,
    0:25:53 have veterans that have gone to fight for us
    0:25:55 and protect this New World Order.
    0:25:57 I don’t think that they had a lobotomy.
    0:26:01 So what is going on with the people who are working for him?
    0:26:06 And do you think there’s anyone that is going to stand up,
    0:26:08 like there was in the first administration?
    0:26:10 – Okay, so there’s so much to unpack there,
    0:26:15 but let’s talk about Trump and the Russians for a second.
    0:26:20 So Curtis Jarvan, who is a philosopher out on the West Coast,
    0:26:24 who believes that the democracy is obsolete,
    0:26:29 and Curtis Jarvan believes that we should no longer
    0:26:30 have a democratic process.
    0:26:35 There should be some type of oligarchic monarchy.
    0:26:37 Very smart people should run everything
    0:26:39 and leave everybody out.
    0:26:40 And obviously you may remember this
    0:26:42 from the remains of the day, right?
    0:26:43 There was an allegory there
    0:26:45 where they were asking Anthony Hopkins
    0:26:46 to Butler questions.
    0:26:48 He didn’t know the answers.
    0:26:51 And then the aristocrats scoffed at him
    0:26:53 and said, well, why would we give him the vote?
    0:26:55 In the meantime, they’re bringing the Nazis
    0:26:56 into the front door, right?
    0:26:59 And the allegory was, even though you may be rich
    0:27:00 and think you’re smarter than Anthony Hopkins,
    0:27:04 the mundane Butler, you need everybody.
    0:27:07 You need the democracy to have this sort of wisdom
    0:27:08 of the collective crowd, right?
    0:27:11 So there was a allegory, there was a warning there.
    0:27:14 But let’s give Trump the benefit of the doubt.
    0:27:16 This is a Curtis Jarvan thing.
    0:27:19 This is Peter Thiel, Acolyte of Jarvan.
    0:27:21 J.D. Vance, Acolyte of Jarvan.
    0:27:25 Elon Musk, the same, a follower of Jarvan.
    0:27:28 And Trump, who’s less organized than them,
    0:27:32 more transactional, they’ve bandied together with him
    0:27:35 and they wrote something called Project 2025.
    0:27:38 And they’re gonna dismantle and weaken
    0:27:40 the checks and balances in the system
    0:27:45 and expand the executive power due to this ideology
    0:27:48 that the democracy is obsolete and Thiel’s publicly said
    0:27:49 that to people.
    0:27:52 So that could be the best case.
    0:27:55 The worst case is that they’ve laundered money through Trump
    0:27:58 and they’ve laundered money through the Trump Organization
    0:28:02 and he’s tied to the Russians and he owes the Russians
    0:28:06 something and he’s trying to deliver to them what they want.
    0:28:07 That’s the worst case.
    0:28:09 Okay, so that’s Trump.
    0:28:11 As it relates to Walsh and Rubio,
    0:28:15 I understand that perfectly ’cause I lived that.
    0:28:18 And it doesn’t reflect well on me as a human being,
    0:28:19 but I did live that.
    0:28:23 I was a George Bush, Mitt Romney,
    0:28:25 Garden Variety Establishment Republican.
    0:28:28 Actually, more to it than that.
    0:28:30 Jess, I was a Rockefeller Republican.
    0:28:33 I was agnostic to social issues
    0:28:36 and I helped Andrew Cuomo with the gay marriage initiative
    0:28:40 in 2008, but I was sort of a right of center Republican
    0:28:43 as it came to business and free markets.
    0:28:47 And so now Trump wins or Trump is about to win
    0:28:49 and people like winning.
    0:28:53 And so I start to shade myself to accept Trump’s point of view.
    0:28:56 Trump is messaging something to blue collar people.
    0:28:58 I grew up in a blue collar family.
    0:29:00 I relate to that.
    0:29:04 And then Trump wins and then six months into his office,
    0:29:08 he offers me a job and then my ego kicks in.
    0:29:11 And my ego and my pride, my wife hates Trump
    0:29:13 almost as much as Melania hates him.
    0:29:16 And I’m telling you, that’s like way up here, okay?
    0:29:20 And she begged me not to do it, but I did it.
    0:29:24 Okay, and that was ego-based.
    0:29:25 That was egocentrism.
    0:29:27 That was pride-based.
    0:29:30 And Marco Rubio wants to be the secretary
    0:29:33 of state of the United States,
    0:29:36 second or third most important job in the world
    0:29:38 or most important job in the country.
    0:29:42 Mike Walt wants to be the national security advisor.
    0:29:46 He served in the US military and he wants to be that.
    0:29:47 And so what ends up happening,
    0:29:50 you start shifting your views
    0:29:55 because you want the power over your principles.
    0:29:57 I did it.
    0:29:59 I’m embarrassed to admit that to you.
    0:30:02 Now, we were fighting in the White House.
    0:30:05 I got summarily fired.
    0:30:06 I remember there was one day
    0:30:09 and I got fired about 24 hours after that,
    0:30:12 Trump called me a deep stator and I laughed.
    0:30:14 And I said, “I haven’t even been to Washington
    0:30:16 on a field trip from like elementary school.
    0:30:18 I mean, how could I be a deep stator?”
    0:30:20 But he was implying because I was saying to him,
    0:30:24 “Hey, we work for the Constitution.”
    0:30:26 You know, he told Paul Ryan that he worked for him.
    0:30:27 Paul Ryan looked at him and said,
    0:30:28 “I don’t work for you.
    0:30:33 I’m in a totally separate article of the Constitution
    0:30:35 and these checks and balances are in place
    0:30:39 to preserve the sanctity of the system.
    0:30:42 It’s the reason why we’re so free and prosperous.”
    0:30:43 Trump didn’t want to hear it.
    0:30:47 And so Rubio and Walsh are now there.
    0:30:50 They’re now there, they are in the barrel
    0:30:53 and they are going over the waterfall.
    0:30:58 Now they could say, “Hey, my personal power,
    0:31:01 my personal ego, I’m going to subordinate that
    0:31:03 to the greater good and I’m going to get out
    0:31:06 and denounce what Donald Trump is doing
    0:31:09 or I’m going to twist myself into a pretzel.
    0:31:12 I’m going to speak to Caitlin Collins on CNN
    0:31:15 and my tongue is going to come out like a twisted bow tie
    0:31:18 and I’m going to lie on behalf of Donald Trump.
    0:31:19 That’s what I’m going to do.”
    0:31:21 And they have to make a decision if they want to do that.
    0:31:24 Now, if you’re telling me Rubio in eight years
    0:31:27 is completely morphed into Donald Trump light,
    0:31:29 I don’t believe that.
    0:31:33 But I believe that he is selling pieces of his soul.
    0:31:37 McCarthy did it, McCarthy wasn’t there.
    0:31:39 But McCarthy said, “You know, I got to be
    0:31:41 the speaker of the house.”
    0:31:44 He lasted 24.5 Scaramuchis.
    0:31:45 That’s it.
    0:31:48 But I got to be the speaker of the house.
    0:31:51 Uber Alice, it doesn’t matter.
    0:31:54 Okay, no, we should, he was calling Trump
    0:31:56 and saying, “What the hell are you doing?
    0:31:57 We need help up here.
    0:32:00 There’s an insurrection that you premeditated.”
    0:32:03 McConnell and McCarthy could have impeached
    0:32:06 and convicted Donald Trump.
    0:32:09 They blinked and McCarthy told his buddies,
    0:32:10 “Well, he’s finished, he’s finished.
    0:32:13 After a fiasco like this, he’s finished.
    0:32:14 We don’t need to do that.
    0:32:17 Let’s stay in our partisan bucket.”
    0:32:19 Did Barry Goldwater do that?
    0:32:21 Did Bob Dole do that?
    0:32:22 No, they didn’t ’cause they were
    0:32:23 from the World War II generation
    0:32:26 and the Constitution was more important to them.
    0:32:30 These guys’ power is way more important
    0:32:31 than the principle.
    0:32:35 And by the way, I get it because I did it.
    0:32:39 I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
    0:32:44 I moved my principles to serve Donald Trump.
    0:32:46 And then I said, “Okay, that’s a bridge too far.
    0:32:50 I have to tell people the truth about what I’m seeing.
    0:32:52 And I have to explain to people.”
    0:32:54 Now, will Rubio do that?
    0:32:55 I don’t know, but he’s a politician.
    0:32:58 Politicians want power.
    0:32:59 You remember what Jack Kennedy said
    0:33:00 about the profiles of courage?
    0:33:02 They said to him, “Congratulations,
    0:33:03 you won the Pulitzer Prize.
    0:33:07 Yo, thank you, but the book is so thin,”
    0:33:08 Senator Kennedy.
    0:33:10 Why is the book so thin?
    0:33:14 He said, “Well, there’s not a lot of courage out there.
    0:33:18 I could only find 10 or 14 situations.
    0:33:20 The book profiles of cowardice
    0:33:23 would have been the Encyclopedia Britannica.
    0:33:25 But I could only find a few stories
    0:33:27 and that’s why the book is so slim.”
    0:33:28 I love that, and I didn’t know that.
    0:33:30 I wanted to pick up on something
    0:33:33 ’cause you mentioned the separation of powers, right?
    0:33:36 And Paul Ryan, essentially being told
    0:33:39 that he worked for Trump.
    0:33:43 And what’s going on with Elon Musk and Doge
    0:33:45 and watching that cabinet meeting play out,
    0:33:48 where you could tell that at least half of the people
    0:33:53 in that room were doing a dying Marco Rubio inside,
    0:33:56 watching Musk parade around in the tech support shirt
    0:33:59 and having an understanding
    0:34:03 that not only do the American people not want this,
    0:34:05 they want waste, fraud, and abuse cut,
    0:34:09 but they don’t want an unelected billionaire
    0:34:12 serving himself over serving the American people,
    0:34:16 but that they might not be able to do anything about it,
    0:34:20 which I think is folks who have gotten into public service
    0:34:23 that should at least be part of the concoction
    0:34:24 of what motivates you to do it,
    0:34:28 even if you are someone like a Linda McMahon,
    0:34:31 or Howard Lutnick, et cetera.
    0:34:36 I think that they understand that public service,
    0:34:38 at least in its prior form,
    0:34:42 used to be about making the country as good as possible
    0:34:45 for the widest amount of, the largest amount of people.
    0:34:50 And so where do you think the Musk of it all shakes out?
    0:34:52 People say they’re gonna have some huge fight,
    0:34:53 they’re gonna break up,
    0:34:56 Trump doesn’t like not being in the spotlight,
    0:34:59 and it feels like Musk is increasingly taking it
    0:35:02 as someone who was on the inside of all of this.
    0:35:03 How are you viewing it?
    0:35:06 – Well, so I have this contrarian view on the situation
    0:35:09 because Musk is the richest person in the world
    0:35:13 and lit Trump up with $300 million during the campaign,
    0:35:18 and he has a $44 billion megaphone known as Twitter or X
    0:35:21 or whatever you wanna call it.
    0:35:24 And I think Trump is afraid of Musk,
    0:35:26 if I’m just being brutally honest.
    0:35:28 You can even see it in the tentativeness
    0:35:29 when he talks to Musk.
    0:35:32 Now, he wants Musk to burn out.
    0:35:34 He’s told people inside his inner circle
    0:35:36 who I still speak to that Musk will get bored
    0:35:40 and Musk will burn out and go back to his job.
    0:35:42 Let’s let him burn out on his own
    0:35:44 without us pushing him out.
    0:35:46 And Trump, I know his personality well
    0:35:48 was projecting in the cabinet room.
    0:35:50 Anybody that doesn’t like Musk,
    0:35:54 speak out or forever holds your peace, that’s him.
    0:35:55 He don’t like Musk.
    0:35:58 He’s trying to tell you that with his projection.
    0:36:01 And so Musk will burn out.
    0:36:04 You’ll find that the doge thing may save some money
    0:36:06 here or there.
    0:36:08 A lot of that USAID will get restored
    0:36:11 in a follow-up democratic administration.
    0:36:13 It’ll have to be because it’s just good sense
    0:36:14 for the American people,
    0:36:17 the American people have to understand it.
    0:36:18 But Musk will flame out.
    0:36:23 He’ll return to Tesla and X and SpaceX, et cetera.
    0:36:28 And Trump will not have a Pyrrhic debacle with him
    0:36:33 like he had with me or Kelly or Mattis or Mark Esper.
    0:36:38 He won’t because he’s afraid of him.
    0:36:42 He’ll want it and it’s in their mutual best interests
    0:36:43 not to do that.
    0:36:44 You see what I’m saying?
    0:36:45 Yeah.
    0:36:48 But that will end and I predict it’ll end quickly.
    0:36:50 I see Musk as Bannon.
    0:36:53 And Bannon was President Bannon.
    0:36:56 Bannon was co-president with Donald Trump.
    0:36:58 And Bannon lasted eight months.
    0:37:02 He actually got fired on the same day that I did.
    0:37:03 He’s such a baby.
    0:37:05 He didn’t want to leave the White House with me.
    0:37:06 So he asked General Kelly,
    0:37:09 could he spend two more weeks in the White House
    0:37:11 before he walked out the front door?
    0:37:14 And so I think that this will fizzle
    0:37:17 sometime by Labor Day,
    0:37:19 Musk will be back at his job.
    0:37:23 And Musk has hurt himself here.
    0:37:24 He hasn’t helped himself.
    0:37:27 He’s hurt himself because by inserting yourself in pop,
    0:37:29 by the way, I’ve hurt myself.
    0:37:30 This is your job.
    0:37:31 So this hasn’t hurt yourself.
    0:37:32 I’ve hurt myself.
    0:37:32 You insert yourself.
    0:37:36 Warren Buffett was on CBS Sunday Morning News this week
    0:37:38 and they asked some political questions.
    0:37:40 He said, “I’m sorry, diplomatically,
    0:37:42 “I’m not gonna answer those.”
    0:37:44 Okay, George W. Bush said, “Hey, no, I’m good.”
    0:37:45 Yeah.
    0:37:46 Okay, so you hurt yourself
    0:37:49 because if you tell somebody what you think,
    0:37:50 50% of the people don’t like you,
    0:37:54 they stop buying your sneakers, quote, Michael Jordan.
    0:37:55 Right, but Musk is hurting himself
    0:37:58 because people are slowing down their Tesla sales
    0:38:00 or doing certain things now
    0:38:02 because of his political leanings.
    0:38:06 And so I believe this ends, it doesn’t end purically.
    0:38:10 And Doge, like the Grace Commission under Reagan,
    0:38:15 like the something under Obama, it was a,
    0:38:18 you know the guys, it was a Alan Simpson bulls,
    0:38:20 it was a Simpson bulls.
    0:38:22 Okay, it didn’t go anywhere.
    0:38:24 Okay, this won’t go anywhere.
    0:38:27 It turns out we do have some fat and double spend
    0:38:30 and maybe even possibly some fraud in the government.
    0:38:32 There’s possibly some Medicare or Medicaid fraud.
    0:38:33 I get it.
    0:38:36 There’s fraud in lots of different things
    0:38:40 and we can trim it and maybe we will trim it.
    0:38:42 But the best thing we could do
    0:38:45 is to go back to what Bush and Clinton did,
    0:38:46 which was pay as you go.
    0:38:48 We had pay as you go legislation in place,
    0:38:50 the regard rails put up.
    0:38:52 This is the amount of money you can spend.
    0:38:54 If you’re going to attack somebody, that’s fine.
    0:38:55 You got to cut spending.
    0:38:57 If you’re going to increase social expenditures,
    0:38:59 you got to raise taxes.
    0:39:01 And if we do that and we hold the line,
    0:39:04 the economy will outgrow the deficit.
    0:39:06 Okay, Bush and Clinton adhere to that.
    0:39:10 We were running a budget surplus by the end of 2000.
    0:39:13 George W. Bush unclipped us from pay as you go
    0:39:16 because of what happened with the Iraqi war.
    0:39:20 And by the way, he cut taxes in March Bush
    0:39:22 and we went to war in October.
    0:39:24 It was the first time in US history
    0:39:27 that we went to war without a tax increase.
    0:39:30 In fact, we had a tax cut
    0:39:33 and that really started the wild trajectory
    0:39:35 of deficit spending.
    0:39:38 So, it’s all healable, it’s all solvable
    0:39:40 but you need a long-term approach.
    0:39:43 You need a 15 or 20 year plan to right size the deficit.
    0:39:46 You’re not going to do it in two minutes.
    0:39:50 Okay, but your points are Musk is there.
    0:39:52 It’s a good idea to cut things.
    0:39:54 It’s a good idea to cut waste
    0:39:58 but the way they’re going about it is hurtful.
    0:40:00 It’s not going to help anybody.
    0:40:02 It’s that Trump was right about the border.
    0:40:04 I know this is raging moderates.
    0:40:06 Trump was right about the border
    0:40:10 but he did it in such a vicious way
    0:40:12 that it turned off a lot of Democrats.
    0:40:16 So, when Biden got the job, he reversed the decisions.
    0:40:19 We’re not Trump, we’re more humane than Trump
    0:40:22 but it was wrong and the people poured over the border
    0:40:23 and the Americans got upset.
    0:40:24 Go look at the exit point.
    0:40:25 Yeah.
    0:40:27 Okay, so we got to be very careful.
    0:40:28 Like they talk about crypto.
    0:40:31 If it’s a Trump crypto reserve,
    0:40:34 then when the next Democrat gets in,
    0:40:36 they’re going to rip it up and throw it out.
    0:40:38 It’s got to be bipartisan.
    0:40:40 And we got to stop with the left and the right
    0:40:42 and look at what’s right or wrong.
    0:40:46 And just say, okay, is this right or wrong for our society?
    0:40:50 And what Trump is doing right now with the UK is wrong.
    0:40:53 It’s wrong for our society.
    0:40:55 It’s wrong for the average American.
    0:40:57 Well, why is it wrong?
    0:41:00 It weakens the cause of freedom
    0:41:02 and liberality around the world.
    0:41:05 It’s bad for our markets.
    0:41:06 It’s bad for the risk profile
    0:41:10 of the American capital market system.
    0:41:12 It’s wrong.
    0:41:16 We don’t want to live in an imperialist world.
    0:41:17 We don’t want to do it.
    0:41:22 Living in an imperialist world will lead to a disaster.
    0:41:24 And what have we learned about the imperialists?
    0:41:28 Great Britain got hurt, India got hurt,
    0:41:30 Africa got hurt.
    0:41:32 Nobody benefits from colonialism.
    0:41:35 Trump wants to take Canada and Greenland.
    0:41:37 Okay, let’s take Canada and Greenland.
    0:41:39 Let’s see how that goes for the United States.
    0:41:43 I think you are already hearing it at the hockey games
    0:41:46 about how it’s going to go for the United States.
    0:41:48 No, it’s absurd, Jess.
    0:41:51 And so for me, I get it.
    0:41:53 Got a lot of riled people.
    0:41:55 Your network does a good job at riling those people.
    0:41:59 There’s a good chant about nationalism and us first.
    0:42:01 And we’re tired of carrying the world.
    0:42:03 But whether you like it or not,
    0:42:05 Roosevelt said it better than anybody.
    0:42:06 We’re integrated with the world,
    0:42:08 whether we like it or not.
    0:42:10 We are integrated.
    0:42:12 It’s connected.
    0:42:15 It’s the rich person with the house.
    0:42:18 You’re going to charge people to come into the swimming pool
    0:42:21 or you’re going to help them with their college tuitions.
    0:42:24 Which family is going to do better?
    0:42:27 Well, what about your son here in the United States?
    0:42:28 Can you help?
    0:42:30 Yes, we have to help him too.
    0:42:31 But we have to think like that.
    0:42:34 We’re 4% of the world’s population,
    0:42:36 26% of the world’s output.
    0:42:41 Okay, the more benevolent we are,
    0:42:42 the better it’s going to be.
    0:42:46 When I was growing up, when I was in Europe in the 1980s,
    0:42:48 people were buying me drinks.
    0:42:53 Ask American servicemen in Germany in the 1980s, Ramsted.
    0:42:55 They were getting drinks for them.
    0:42:57 Thank you for helping us.
    0:43:01 Thank you for being part of the cause of freedom
    0:43:02 and protecting us.
    0:43:04 Now you go to Europe and say,
    0:43:07 are you guys okay over there?
    0:43:09 Why have you lost your minds?
    0:43:14 Why have you flipped into this proto authoritarianism?
    0:43:16 Why have you done that?
    0:43:20 And the answer is, well, we have shitty democratic leaders
    0:43:23 and we had a really bad intergenerational transfer
    0:43:25 of leadership.
    0:43:28 And so the orange man bad,
    0:43:29 but a lot of people held their nose
    0:43:32 and voted for orange man
    0:43:34 because of what the Democrats were doing.
    0:43:36 You gave this poor woman 107 days
    0:43:38 to try to figure it out.
    0:43:42 You know, Joe Biden and Barack Obama caused this.
    0:43:45 Barack Obama said to Joe Biden, no,
    0:43:48 you can’t run against Hillary Clinton in the primary.
    0:43:51 Okay, so Hillary Clinton wins.
    0:43:53 She doesn’t go to Wisconsin.
    0:43:56 She goes one time to Michigan, twice to Pennsylvania.
    0:44:00 Trump outworks her and beats her in the electoral college.
    0:44:03 Okay, now we’re gonna let Joe Biden run.
    0:44:06 Okay, he beats the sitting president,
    0:44:09 but he’s 78 years old, not 78 years young.
    0:44:12 He needs to drop out in September of 2020.
    0:44:17 Joe Biden is the Marco Rubio of the Democratic Party.
    0:44:18 You say, well, what do I mean by that?
    0:44:20 He let his ego get to him.
    0:44:22 I got the job and wanna stay in the job.
    0:44:25 Lady Macbeth, Shakespeare.
    0:44:28 Well, Joe, you can’t remember people.
    0:44:30 If Jessica Tarlov walks into your office,
    0:44:31 you don’t remember her.
    0:44:32 Okay, well, that’s okay.
    0:44:35 I wanna stay in the job anyway.
    0:44:39 Okay, and so they embarrass themselves with the June debate.
    0:44:41 Now the party’s in flummox.
    0:44:45 They could have resolved that in September of 2023,
    0:44:47 had a formal primary process
    0:44:50 and had a young he or she Democratic candidate
    0:44:52 wipe the floor with Donald Trump.
    0:44:54 Think about how close that election was.
    0:44:55 I know, yeah.
    0:45:00 Okay, and it was, they had an unmitigated disaster
    0:45:01 in terms of intergeneralism.
    0:45:04 So when I’m in Europe, we got two things going on.
    0:45:07 Yes, we have a Bozo movement of proto-fascism
    0:45:09 that we need to put down
    0:45:11 and we need to just help people economically.
    0:45:13 Galloway is right, Professor Galloway.
    0:45:16 It’s an economic thing and we need to make sure
    0:45:19 that these people feel restored and aspirational
    0:45:21 and then they won’t care about fascism.
    0:45:24 And we need to fix the democracy.
    0:45:28 We need to end gerrymandering, end Citizens United,
    0:45:30 right size to deficit,
    0:45:33 do really smart, powerful things
    0:45:34 to help the American people.
    0:45:37 I’m totally with you and I, you know,
    0:45:38 I was young during the nineties,
    0:45:40 but I talk a lot about the Clinton years
    0:45:44 and how it feels like we are ripe
    0:45:45 for something like that to happen again.
    0:45:47 If there is a charismatic leader
    0:45:50 with that kind of common sense approach to everything.
    0:45:53 I just want to say, and I want to move to a conversation
    0:45:54 about the free press,
    0:45:58 but what you’re describing as what happened here in America,
    0:46:01 which it certainly did is happening all over the world.
    0:46:04 I mean, the liberal order is failing, you know,
    0:46:08 across Europe, far right parties are getting larger shares
    0:46:09 than I certainly ever envisioned.
    0:46:14 I lived in London from 2006 to 2012.
    0:46:18 So, you know, peak Obama years was there to your point
    0:46:21 about, you know, during the Bush era,
    0:46:23 everyone kind of banding together, but thinking,
    0:46:25 you know, you guys need somebody else.
    0:46:28 I was there on election night in ’08
    0:46:31 and London was as jazzed about Obama being elected
    0:46:33 as they were back home, but something has shifted.
    0:46:37 I know the AFD underperformed what Elon Musk and JD Vance
    0:46:38 wanted in the German elections,
    0:46:40 but they still got a bigger share.
    0:46:43 And this conversation specifically about immigration
    0:46:44 is really what’s fueling it
    0:46:47 because everyone has lost any semblance of an idea
    0:46:49 of what borders or national character
    0:46:51 means to the average person.
    0:46:54 And while they might be benevolent in so far as thinking
    0:46:58 that we’re pro-immigration and that people should, you know,
    0:47:01 have rights to some goods and services,
    0:47:05 we all basically laid down and just said, you know,
    0:47:09 come on in, that will be Angela Merkel’s legacy,
    0:47:11 which is sad for her and everything
    0:47:12 that was accomplished during that time.
    0:47:13 But that’s what I’ll be remembered from.
    0:47:16 And you just have to look at what the CDU looks like now
    0:47:19 to understand how badly she messed that up
    0:47:22 and the lessons that that sent through Europe.
    0:47:26 But we need to take a quick break, so stay with us.
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    0:50:05 Welcome back.
    0:50:07 I wanted to quickly talk to you about the state
    0:50:10 of the White House press and free speech
    0:50:11 under the Trump administration.
    0:50:15 You were there for your 11 days during his first term
    0:50:17 and we need your inside sources.
    0:50:19 The AP filed a lawsuit against the White House
    0:50:22 after restricting access to the Oval in Air Force One.
    0:50:23 Following this, the White House announced
    0:50:25 that they’ll choose which journalists
    0:50:26 have access to the press room.
    0:50:28 All of this is happening while Jeff Bezos
    0:50:30 told the Washington Post staffers
    0:50:31 that he’ll be making changes to the publication
    0:50:34 that align more with the right leading
    0:50:37 to opinion editor, David Shiffley’s resignation.
    0:50:39 What do you think is happening
    0:50:42 with the free press issue vis-a-vis this White House?
    0:50:44 I’ve heard people on both sides of it.
    0:50:46 Fox News has been steadfast in standing up
    0:50:48 in support of keeping things the way that they have been
    0:50:52 with the traditional press pool and with the AP.
    0:50:54 But what do you think the game is here
    0:50:56 for the Trump administration?
    0:50:57 – Chill the press.
    0:51:00 Trump hates it and chill the press.
    0:51:03 You know, we were talking about Victor Orban
    0:51:06 and J.D. Vance has a love affair with Victor Orban.
    0:51:08 He was very happy with the way Victor Orban
    0:51:11 took over the schools and the press.
    0:51:13 And they want to chill the press
    0:51:16 and they want to intimidate people into not speaking.
    0:51:17 And you have Cash Patel has openly said
    0:51:18 he has an enemies list.
    0:51:21 A lot of the enemies are the press.
    0:51:25 I got into trouble with Donald Trump in April of 2019.
    0:51:27 I wrote an op-ed for the Hill
    0:51:29 and I said it was an open letter to the president.
    0:51:31 I said, dear Mr. President,
    0:51:34 the press is not the enemy of the people.
    0:51:35 And obviously I went into the rendition
    0:51:38 of it being the forced state and checking people in power.
    0:51:41 But there’s something else that’s elemental
    0:51:43 to the free press and that’s our economy.
    0:51:46 We teach our second graders to speak and think freely.
    0:51:50 They go on to think creatively and they create Facebook
    0:51:54 and Apple computer and they create things like Bitcoin
    0:51:58 and other technology and great ideas and entrepreneurship.
    0:52:00 If you tell somebody in the second grade
    0:52:03 that they can’t talk about certain things
    0:52:05 and you’ll put them in a reeducation camp,
    0:52:08 if they talk badly about dear leader,
    0:52:09 then they can’t create.
    0:52:11 They got to steal our intellectual property.
    0:52:13 And so I said the press is very important.
    0:52:16 Trump called me on Easter Sunday, 2019.
    0:52:18 Last time I spoke to him,
    0:52:19 I thought he was calling me to wish me happy Easter.
    0:52:22 He was not, he was calling me to berate me.
    0:52:24 And he said that I was wrong.
    0:52:26 The press is the enemy of the people
    0:52:28 and he wants to chill the press.
    0:52:32 My first meeting as White House Communications Director
    0:52:36 in the Oval Office was, can we break up Amazon?
    0:52:37 Excuse me?
    0:52:40 Well, you went to law school, can we break up Amazon?
    0:52:43 I hate Jeff Bezos and I hate the Washington Post.
    0:52:44 – Thought anymore.
    0:52:46 – I don’t want to break up Amazon, okay?
    0:52:46 And I looked at him and said,
    0:52:48 actually you can’t break up Amazon.
    0:52:50 It doesn’t meet the checklist
    0:52:52 that’s in the Sherman Anti-Trust Act.
    0:52:55 Not the thing that he wanted to hear.
    0:52:57 So he don’t like the free press
    0:53:00 and his team doesn’t like the free press
    0:53:01 and follow Victor Orban.
    0:53:05 What Victor Orban is doing, Trump would like to do.
    0:53:09 And so now you’ve got guys like Bezos
    0:53:12 who, you know, Khashoggi got lost at the Washington Post.
    0:53:14 Democracy dies in darkness.
    0:53:18 Something that Bezos’s team came up with that he sponsored.
    0:53:20 And he’s like, wait a minute.
    0:53:22 These guys could threaten my lifestyle.
    0:53:23 They could threaten me.
    0:53:25 They could threaten my family.
    0:53:27 And you know, there’s threats going on everywhere
    0:53:28 in Washington.
    0:53:29 You’re not, you’re part of the press.
    0:53:32 So you know that the senators are getting threatened
    0:53:33 if they don’t vote for certain cabinet members
    0:53:34 and stuff like that.
    0:53:35 – Right.
    0:53:36 – And so Bezos, I got a great life
    0:53:37 and we’re $200 billion.
    0:53:39 What the hell am I doing?
    0:53:42 Let me lock and load on Trump and spend some money on him.
    0:53:44 Let me show up at the inaugural, have dinner with him
    0:53:46 and let me tone down the Washington Post.
    0:53:48 I don’t need this headache.
    0:53:51 And so, but that’s the reason why he’s a billionaire.
    0:53:52 And that’s the reason why you and I
    0:53:53 are never going to be billionaires.
    0:53:57 Okay, because, because, you know, he’s transactional
    0:54:00 and he’s decided that the principles of the democracy,
    0:54:05 not dying in darkness are not as important as him
    0:54:07 maintaining his lifestyle and keeping himself free.
    0:54:08 – But then why doesn’t he sell it?
    0:54:09 – Oh, maybe.
    0:54:11 – Because I mean, he has enough money
    0:54:13 and it doesn’t make money for him, right?
    0:54:14 And subscriptions are way down.
    0:54:17 So there are plenty of people who want to buy it.
    0:54:18 Why doesn’t he get rid of it
    0:54:21 versus compromising his principles to this level?
    0:54:23 – Well, maybe he will, but maybe he won’t.
    0:54:26 And maybe, maybe, you know, people are,
    0:54:27 people are funny in their own brains.
    0:54:30 You know, when I was compromising my principles
    0:54:31 to work for Donald Trump,
    0:54:35 do you think I thought I was compromising my principles?
    0:54:36 You know, maybe in his own–
    0:54:37 – Maybe like, in your, you know,
    0:54:38 like in the shower, right?
    0:54:39 When you’re standing there
    0:54:41 and you’re like doing your deepest thoughts.
    0:54:41 – No, no, no, no, no.
    0:54:43 I was, I was bullshitting myself.
    0:54:45 Let’s just be honest about it, okay?
    0:54:47 And maybe Jeff St himself,
    0:54:50 I’ve really had a change of heart politically
    0:54:52 and the woke-ism.
    0:54:53 – That’s a huge piece of this though.
    0:54:58 I mean, the, the reaction to the left going too far left
    0:55:00 has been massive.
    0:55:03 The amount of times in regular conversations with my friends
    0:55:05 we’re all pretty normie Democrats,
    0:55:08 where they talk about the Charlemagne the God ad, right?
    0:55:10 About, you know, she’s for they, them, I’m for you.
    0:55:13 And all the stuff that Bill Maher is talking about
    0:55:16 all the time, you know, that’s pretty deeply felt.
    0:55:18 – Yeah, you know, Bill, you should get him on your show.
    0:55:20 He, Bill is a raging Maher.
    0:55:22 – That’s where Scott and I met Bill Maher.
    0:55:23 That’s our meat cute.
    0:55:25 Bill, you know, I’m a huge fan.
    0:55:27 I’ve been on a show many times
    0:55:29 and I would say that Bill gets it.
    0:55:33 And I would say that, look, if I were the Democrats,
    0:55:35 I’m not, and they would never accept this,
    0:55:37 ’cause again, it’s all ego-based,
    0:55:40 but I would team up with the former Republicans.
    0:55:42 I would, I would go to the Christie’s
    0:55:43 and the Kissinger’s and the Cheneys.
    0:55:44 – Isn’t that what we did though?
    0:55:46 I mean, we’re sitting there with Liz Cheney, you know,
    0:55:49 Kamala’s with her the day before the election or whatever.
    0:55:50 – They really haven’t though,
    0:55:53 because the hard left didn’t accept it.
    0:55:54 They derided it.
    0:55:56 And there were certain trips
    0:55:58 that were supposed to be on the campaign plane.
    0:56:01 And the hard left was says NFW can’t bring Christie’s
    0:56:03 or can’t bring this person or he can’t bring Paparazzi.
    0:56:05 You know that and I know that.
    0:56:08 But what I would say is that democracy is at stake.
    0:56:13 So let’s have a pro-American, pro-democratic,
    0:56:18 pro-democracy party and let’s expand the tent.
    0:56:20 And even though you may not like Chris Christie,
    0:56:22 I do, I was one of his donors.
    0:56:24 But even though you may not like Liz Cheney,
    0:56:28 hold your nose and even if you don’t like AOC,
    0:56:32 hold your nose, get in the boat together
    0:56:34 and take out the Whig Party.
    0:56:36 Let’s go over to who the Whigs were.
    0:56:41 The Whigs were taken out by a new party formed in 1856
    0:56:44 known as the Republicans.
    0:56:48 And they went after the abolitionists in the Whig Party
    0:56:49 and they went after the abolitionists
    0:56:51 in the Democratic Party
    0:56:53 and they formed a new party
    0:56:58 and their first Republican elected president was Abraham Lincoln
    0:57:00 and they destroyed the Whig Party.
    0:57:04 They weakened it to the point where it disintegrated.
    0:57:07 You could do that to the MAGA party.
    0:57:10 You know, this party known as the Republicans
    0:57:14 was a hostile takeover by an insurgent third party
    0:57:16 known as MAGA or Trumplicans.
    0:57:18 They call themselves the Republicans.
    0:57:20 See, Trump couldn’t run as a third party
    0:57:22 because he knew he couldn’t win
    0:57:26 but he had to take over one of the two traditional parties
    0:57:27 which he did.
    0:57:29 There’s been a full decapitation
    0:57:33 and a full hostile takeover of that party.
    0:57:36 But the other people, the Lincoln pride,
    0:57:40 whatever they are, merged them into the other party.
    0:57:42 They’re all pro-democracy people.
    0:57:45 They all understand that the Constitution
    0:57:48 and that the democracy is more important
    0:57:50 than any one individual policy.
    0:57:53 I may disagree with AOC on XYZ
    0:57:56 or the Amazon situation along on Island City.
    0:57:57 I may disagree with her.
    0:57:58 But so what?
    0:58:00 She’s pro-democracy.
    0:58:02 I’m pro-democracy.
    0:58:05 Let’s team up like we did in the 1850s
    0:58:07 and knock these guys out of the boxing ring.
    0:58:08 – I like it.
    0:58:09 That’s a good slogan.
    0:58:11 Let’s make the 1850s cool again.
    0:58:12 – Well, maybe.
    0:58:13 – No, maybe.
    0:58:14 Listen, I’ve always felt that way.
    0:58:15 – The 1850s were a terrible time.
    0:58:18 James, listen, James Buchanan, terrible president.
    0:58:20 It caused a civil war.
    0:58:21 A lot of things could have happened
    0:58:23 to not have that happen.
    0:58:26 You know, we could kill 600,000 Americans.
    0:58:31 The backlash, the John Wilkes Booth assassination,
    0:58:34 totally botched the reconstruction.
    0:58:38 I mean, we’ve gone through very tough times in this country
    0:58:39 as we’re reordering the country
    0:58:43 to try to make it a more perfect union.
    0:58:46 But you know, so this time we’re going through right now,
    0:58:48 pales in comparison to the civil war
    0:58:50 or the advent of the Second World War.
    0:58:52 But let’s fix it.
    0:58:54 But we gotta stomach each other.
    0:58:56 Oh, I can’t work with Anthony.
    0:58:58 He was once with Trump.
    0:59:00 You know, my 32-year-old son has a great line.
    0:59:03 He’s like, hey, Dad, you’re killing me.
    0:59:05 Republicans hate you because you left Trump.
    0:59:06 The Democrats will never accept you
    0:59:08 because you were with Trump.
    0:59:11 You’re just killing my networking opportunities, Dad.
    0:59:14 Oh, maybe I’m getting close to the truth, you know?
    0:59:16 – And I would say, I feel like the Democrats
    0:59:19 are very happy to have you talking the way
    0:59:22 that you’re talking about being pro-democracy.
    0:59:24 – They don’t put me in their tent.
    0:59:26 Trust me, they won’t put me in their tent.
    0:59:29 They let me help Vice President Harris on the debate
    0:59:30 ’cause I understood Trump
    0:59:33 and I was able to get some fun lines into the debate.
    0:59:36 But they won’t bring me in
    0:59:38 because I’m not a Democrat.
    0:59:42 – Well, I used to even have that much so less
    0:59:44 since I started co-hosting the five,
    0:59:46 but Democrats are suspicious of me
    0:59:48 because I work at Fox.
    0:59:48 – Right, exactly.
    0:59:51 – Like it makes no difference what I’m saying
    0:59:53 or to how large of an audience.
    0:59:56 – You’re helping Fox prosper.
    1:00:01 But by the way, I applaud Fox for supporting AP.
    1:00:03 I applaud them for that.
    1:00:06 And again, there’s opinion people at Fox,
    1:00:11 there’s journalists at Fox, and that’s a point of view.
    1:00:13 And we should have that point of view
    1:00:16 and we should have a healthy, rigorous debate about it.
    1:00:20 But the Trump stuff has taken it to a different level.
    1:00:22 Trump thinks like a Victor Orban.
    1:00:26 He doesn’t think like a traditional American president.
    1:00:29 Okay, the president since Roosevelt
    1:00:32 were grounded in some bipartisanship
    1:00:35 and grounded in some Democratic principles
    1:00:40 and were committed to the idea of containment
    1:00:43 and the promotion of freedom
    1:00:46 and raising living standards around the world.
    1:00:50 Okay, they weren’t, hey, it’s my swimming pool
    1:00:53 and I’m now gonna charge you to come into the swimming pool.
    1:00:56 – Yeah, I think the defining distinction
    1:00:58 between what’s going on right now and in the past,
    1:01:00 and I’m certainly not combing this
    1:01:04 to the way that we were split during the Civil War,
    1:01:07 but is the information game in all of this
    1:01:08 and the disinformation. – No question.
    1:01:13 – Because it used to be people looked at maybe one paper
    1:01:15 and odds are that you and your neighbor
    1:01:17 were looking at the same thing.
    1:01:22 And today people are living in diametrically opposed
    1:01:24 information cesspools.
    1:01:27 And we do not have a common language
    1:01:30 as to what truth is, what right or wrong is.
    1:01:33 Is the sky blue?
    1:01:36 I got 10 people within 50 feet of me
    1:01:38 who feel differently about that.
    1:01:40 – And to compound that our adversaries
    1:01:41 are doing that to us.
    1:01:43 – Oh, they’re thrilled by it
    1:01:44 and they’re doing it to their own people.
    1:01:45 You know, they’ve got a plan for us.
    1:01:46 – They’ve dumped in lots of disinformation.
    1:01:48 Yup, 100%.
    1:01:50 – Thank you so much for joining me.
    1:01:51 – No, I appreciate it.
    1:01:53 You’re great to have me on.
    1:01:55 Please give Professor Galloway my love.
    1:01:57 You know, I’m a huge fan of his as well.
    1:01:58 – I will.
    1:01:59 – Thank you.
    1:02:00 – Okay, after the break,
    1:02:01 my conversation with Governor Pritzker.
    1:02:08 Support for the show comes from Polly AI.
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    1:02:11 can feel like more trouble than it’s worth.
    1:02:13 Most automated voice assistants
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    1:02:18 that’s too complicated for the menu options
    1:02:20 so people end up sitting on hold for ages.
    1:02:23 Well, now there’s a way to make phone support
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    1:02:26 and your customers.
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    1:03:12 That’s Polly.AI/PROVG.
    1:03:19 We’re taking Box Media Podcast on the road
    1:03:20 and heading back to Austin
    1:03:22 for the South by Southwest Festival,
    1:03:24 March 8th to the 10th.
    1:03:26 What a thrill.
    1:03:28 We’ll be doing special live episodes
    1:03:29 of hit shows, including Pivot.
    1:03:32 That’s right, that dog’s going to the great state of Texas.
    1:03:34 Where should we begin?
    1:03:35 With Esther Perel,
    1:03:38 a Touch More with Sue Bird and Megan Rapinoe,
    1:03:41 not just football with Cam Hayward and more,
    1:03:43 presented by Smartsheet.
    1:03:46 The Box Media Podcast stage at South by Southwest
    1:03:49 is open to all South by Southwest badge holders.
    1:03:51 We hope to see you at the Austin Convention Center soon.
    1:03:56 Visit voxmedia.com/sxsw to learn more.
    1:04:00 That’s voxmedia.com/sxsw.
    1:04:04 This week on ProfG Markets, we speak with Mike Moffitt,
    1:04:06 founding director of the University of Ottawa’s
    1:04:07 Missing Middle Initiative
    1:04:10 and a former economic advisor to Justin Trudeau.
    1:04:12 We dive into the state of Canadian politics
    1:04:15 and we get his take on the biggest challenges
    1:04:16 facing Canada’s economy.
    1:04:19 Canada’s economy is like three oligopolies
    1:04:20 in a trench coat.
    1:04:22 We have a lot of inequality that way.
    1:04:26 We have high levels of market concentration
    1:04:29 because we have this tension in Canada
    1:04:32 where we want things to be Canadian.
    1:04:33 We want Canadian ownership.
    1:04:35 But when you do that, you create a moat.
    1:04:38 And whenever you create barriers to entry,
    1:04:42 you’re going to naturally create oligopolies.
    1:04:43 You can find that conversation
    1:04:46 exclusively on the ProfG Markets podcast.
    1:04:52 Today, we’ve got Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker with us.
    1:04:53 He’s been waking up in the morning
    1:04:56 with Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker with us.
    1:04:58 He’s been waking waves, pushing for more jobs,
    1:04:59 affordable health care,
    1:05:01 and taking on Trump’s immigration policies.
    1:05:03 He’s also sounding the alarm on what he calls
    1:05:05 the GOP’s growing authoritarian streak
    1:05:07 and even joined a multi-state lawsuit
    1:05:11 to block Trump’s federal funding freeze last month.
    1:05:13 Plus, he’s backing a screen-free schools plan,
    1:05:16 which I love, to ban cell phones in classrooms.
    1:05:17 We’ve got a lot to cover.
    1:05:19 Governor Pritzker, welcome to the show.
    1:05:21 – Thanks for having me.
    1:05:23 – No, it’s so great to have you.
    1:05:25 You have been one of the strongest democratic voices
    1:05:27 against Trump in general,
    1:05:30 but certainly since he won reelection.
    1:05:32 But there are some people who are saying
    1:05:34 that the party is still not pushing back hard enough.
    1:05:36 What do you think is the right strategy?
    1:05:38 Should we just be on offense all the time?
    1:05:40 Is there a risk of overplaying it?
    1:05:42 How are you thinking about this?
    1:05:45 – Well, first of all, I think we ought to be focused, right?
    1:05:47 It’s clear they’re trying to flood the zone.
    1:05:49 They want us to pay attention to Greenland
    1:05:52 and Panama Canal and all these things
    1:05:53 that really don’t have anything to do
    1:05:56 with the lives of ordinary Americans every day.
    1:05:59 And so at least we Democrats ought to be focused on,
    1:06:01 frankly, what we auto have been focused on
    1:06:04 in the last election too, which is affordability
    1:06:07 and just making life a little easier for people.
    1:06:11 How about healthcare where Democrats have the right solutions
    1:06:12 and the Republicans are just trying
    1:06:14 to take healthcare away from people?
    1:06:17 So I think we should talk a lot about that
    1:06:18 and focus on that.
    1:06:21 But I think you can’t overlook the fact
    1:06:24 that they’re tearing down the institutions of our government,
    1:06:27 the institutions that have been established
    1:06:28 under the Constitution.
    1:06:31 And it’s vitally important to all of us
    1:06:33 that we preserve those things.
    1:06:35 But again, average folks out there,
    1:06:40 if you knocked on 100 doors and talk to people at the doors
    1:06:42 and I’ve knocked on a lot of doors,
    1:06:45 nobody’s gonna say, oh yeah, democracy,
    1:06:46 that’s the number one issue.
    1:06:50 Even though it is something that is,
    1:06:53 affecting people’s daily lives,
    1:06:54 it just doesn’t feel like that.
    1:06:56 It’s when you buy your groceries,
    1:06:58 when you go to buy your automobile,
    1:07:02 as soon as these tariffs go in with Canada and Mexico,
    1:07:04 which make no sense at all to me,
    1:07:07 unless you’re trying to provide a large tax cut
    1:07:10 to the wealthiest Americans, of course.
    1:07:12 But ’cause they’re trying to collect
    1:07:14 from the American public those tariffs,
    1:07:15 that’s who’s gonna pay.
    1:07:17 So anyway, we’ve got a lot of work to do
    1:07:19 to make sure that we’re communicating
    1:07:21 with the public in the right way.
    1:07:24 But sounding the alarm is something
    1:07:25 that I think is hugely important.
    1:07:26 It’s what I’ve tried to do.
    1:07:31 It’s why I gave the speech that I gave last week,
    1:07:34 talking about the death of a constitutional republic.
    1:07:37 And I wish more people were out there
    1:07:41 and out front, raising attention.
    1:07:43 – Why do you think that they aren’t?
    1:07:46 – Because it was a very clear message on November 5th
    1:07:48 that that type of messaging did not work, right?
    1:07:50 The Liz Cheney’s of the world
    1:07:52 did not compel that many people,
    1:07:56 or really compelled the same percentage of moderates
    1:07:57 that voted for Biden in 2020.
    1:08:01 It was a mirror image, essentially in 2024.
    1:08:03 So there are a lot of Democrats who are concerned
    1:08:05 about adopting that strategy,
    1:08:08 but you seem fairly unconcerned.
    1:08:10 – Well, you mean the strategy of which–
    1:08:13 – Going out there when you talked about comparisons
    1:08:16 to 1930s Germany in your state of the state?
    1:08:18 – Yeah, but that wasn’t a campaign message.
    1:08:20 I mean, that is my personal belief.
    1:08:21 I helped to build a Holocaust museum.
    1:08:24 I’m Jewish, I’ve been fighting anti-Semitism.
    1:08:26 Well, it seems like my whole life now.
    1:08:30 And so I really felt compelled to talk about
    1:08:32 what’s happening in the country broadly.
    1:08:37 It wasn’t about what I think the message for 2026
    1:08:39 ought to be or 2028.
    1:08:42 And that’s why I really think we ought to be focused.
    1:08:44 If you want to talk messaging,
    1:08:49 it needs to be around the challenges
    1:08:52 that people are facing every single day.
    1:08:55 Going to the grocery store and can’t afford eggs
    1:08:59 or tomatoes or avocados or anything else
    1:09:01 that you’re looking to buy,
    1:09:02 knowing that you want to go buy a car
    1:09:03 and now prices are going up.
    1:09:06 And by the way, they promised
    1:09:09 that they were going to lower prices on day one.
    1:09:10 That’s what they said.
    1:09:13 I don’t know how they intended to get that done on day one,
    1:09:15 but that’s what they said they would do.
    1:09:19 We’re on day 39 now and prices have only gone up, not down.
    1:09:22 And they’re making it worse with the tariffs,
    1:09:25 which again are taxes on middle-class Americans
    1:09:27 and working-class Americans.
    1:09:29 So I think that’s the message.
    1:09:32 If you want to talk about what matters to people,
    1:09:34 it’s their daily lives.
    1:09:37 Can I send my kid to college affordably?
    1:09:38 Can I save for retirement?
    1:09:42 Is there a way to get a better wage and a better job?
    1:09:43 That’s another one.
    1:09:44 Let’s talk wages.
    1:09:48 You want to start contrast between the two parties?
    1:09:53 We Democrats, we think $7.25 as a minimum wage
    1:09:56 and $14,000 a year, that’s what that yields,
    1:09:57 isn’t enough to live on.
    1:09:59 And we’re for raising the minimum wage.
    1:10:04 Republicans, they’re either okay with the $7.25 minimum wage
    1:10:06 or some of them want to do away
    1:10:08 with a minimum wage altogether.
    1:10:11 I’d like to fight that fight in 2026.
    1:10:13 I think that ought to be a central focus
    1:10:16 of at least one part of the economic message.
    1:10:19 So that’s what I think we ought to be talking about.
    1:10:24 Meanwhile, as you know, I do think that many of us
    1:10:27 need to, as leaders, remind people
    1:10:29 that the institutions of government
    1:10:32 are why you’re able to get the things that matter to you.
    1:10:34 And when they get torn down, in other words,
    1:10:35 if you care about healthcare,
    1:10:37 if you care about veteran services,
    1:10:40 if you care about being able to get a rise
    1:10:41 in the minimum wage,
    1:10:43 you need a representative democracy
    1:10:45 that actually is representative.
    1:10:49 And you need to make sure that the courts
    1:10:53 are forcing the administration and the Congress
    1:10:55 and everybody else to follow the law.
    1:10:59 But if the administration ignores the courts,
    1:11:01 then boy, we’re all done for in this country.
    1:11:03 We’re not gonna have a democracy
    1:11:05 two or four years from now.
    1:11:08 – That does seem to be the main vulnerabilities so far
    1:11:13 in the first 39, 40 days of the Trump administration,
    1:11:15 which is centered around what Doge is doing,
    1:11:17 the kind of cuts that they’re making.
    1:11:18 There have been several judges that have said,
    1:11:19 “This is illegal.”
    1:11:22 Elon Musk’s popularity has been plummeting.
    1:11:23 Well, Trump’s gone down a little bit,
    1:11:25 but not nearly the change that we’ve seen with Musk.
    1:11:28 Voters two to one aren’t comfortable
    1:11:29 with what Doge is doing.
    1:11:31 Do you think that that is a central point of focus
    1:11:35 where Democrats can play it safe in opposing Trump
    1:11:37 without seeming like they’re out of step with their voters?
    1:11:40 – Yeah, I was asked this earlier today
    1:11:45 at a press conference, what should we do to amplify this?
    1:11:48 Look, it’s happening on its own.
    1:11:52 I can tell you that we’ve seen polling data
    1:11:57 in the state of Illinois where back in December and January,
    1:12:00 voters out there wanted leaders in Illinois
    1:12:04 to work with Donald Trump to get things done.
    1:12:07 We’re now a month and a half after that.
    1:12:10 And I’ve seen polling data very recently
    1:12:12 that says, actually, instead,
    1:12:15 now they want you to resist Donald Trump.
    1:12:18 So that’s the beginning of the fall of his numbers,
    1:12:23 and it’s gonna be a challenging, I think, spring and summer
    1:12:26 for him because people’s lives are being affected
    1:12:27 in a negative way.
    1:12:30 I do think that one of the things
    1:12:32 that we need to be doing is talking about
    1:12:34 not only preserving important institutions
    1:12:37 that preserve people’s way of life.
    1:12:39 By the way, do you wanna get on an airplane
    1:12:42 and know that there aren’t air traffic controllers
    1:12:44 in the tower that can do the job?
    1:12:48 Elon Musk letting go air traffic controllers,
    1:12:51 and then, I think, yesterday tweeting,
    1:12:54 oh no, we need hundreds of them to come back, please.
    1:12:58 The Ebola scientists that they fired and then discovered,
    1:13:00 oh, I guess we do need to actually react
    1:13:04 when there’s a deadly disease that needs to be addressed.
    1:13:08 So those institutions, and NOAA,
    1:13:09 I don’t know if you’ve heard about the,
    1:13:13 they’re shutting down the National Oceanic
    1:13:15 and Atmospheric Administration.
    1:13:17 Remember, that’s the thing that helps you know
    1:13:20 whether the hurricane is coming to Florida
    1:13:23 or to Georgia or to Texas.
    1:13:25 And so these are the things,
    1:13:27 they tear all that down.
    1:13:29 Your daily life is gonna be affected,
    1:13:30 and that’s what’s happening now.
    1:13:32 So what should we be doing?
    1:13:36 Well, first we need to highlight what they’re tearing down.
    1:13:39 Medicaid, if we’re not talking about Medicaid
    1:13:42 and healthcare for people, we’re missing the boat
    1:13:45 because seniors, children in my state,
    1:13:49 half of children are on Medicaid, half.
    1:13:54 And seniors, you know, everybody either has a grandma
    1:13:57 or has a friend with a grandma who’s in a nursing home
    1:14:00 because she has Medicaid and won’t be in the nursing home
    1:14:02 if she loses her Medicaid.
    1:14:04 So these are the things I think, again,
    1:14:06 that we ought to be focusing on.
    1:14:09 And I think that’s why you’re gonna see
    1:14:10 those poll numbers dropping.
    1:14:13 You are right about Elon Musk.
    1:14:16 Those numbers have been dropping like a rock.
    1:14:20 And it’s certainly a feature of talking points
    1:14:23 to point at this person who is literally
    1:14:26 the wealthiest person in the world
    1:14:30 and who is now essentially running the US government.
    1:14:31 You know, it used to be that government
    1:14:34 was actually the check on too much power.
    1:14:36 And particularly, you know,
    1:14:40 remember Teddy Roosevelt and antitrust laws.
    1:14:42 You know, that’s why there are antitrust laws.
    1:14:45 You don’t want any one company or any one person
    1:14:48 to have too much economic power in this country.
    1:14:52 You’re absolutely free to go out and earn like heck
    1:14:55 and become a millionaire and a billionaire.
    1:14:57 But you shouldn’t be put in charge
    1:15:00 of the reins of government,
    1:15:04 which are supposed to be regulating your business.
    1:15:07 – Well, especially if you don’t even have a real role.
    1:15:09 And I think all of us were a little bit surprised
    1:15:11 to hear that Amy Gleason is actually
    1:15:12 the administrator of Doge.
    1:15:15 I think she was on Mexican vacation
    1:15:17 when she heard about that one.
    1:15:18 But I do agree with you that that seems
    1:15:20 to be the soft spot in all of this.
    1:15:21 And you brought up Medicaid,
    1:15:24 which I wanted to talk to you about this spending bill
    1:15:26 that the Republicans have pushed through narrowly
    1:15:27 through Congress.
    1:15:30 Looks a bit dead on arrival in the Senate.
    1:15:33 Even hardcore conservatives like Josh Hawley
    1:15:34 are saying they are not going to sign anything.
    1:15:38 That cuts Medicaid, like that 21% of his constituents
    1:15:40 are on Medicaid.
    1:15:44 But you’ve seen Hakeem Jeffries centering his messaging
    1:15:46 around these cuts specifically to Medicaid.
    1:15:51 What will Illinois do to protect Medicaid beneficiaries
    1:15:53 if these cuts do come through?
    1:15:54 Or are you guys going to back them up
    1:15:56 and make sure that they still have their healthcare
    1:15:59 or what can people do on an individual state basis?
    1:16:01 – Well, let me be clear up front
    1:16:03 that I believe in universal healthcare.
    1:16:06 And that doesn’t mean that we have to have one system
    1:16:08 that covers everybody.
    1:16:10 It does mean that we’ve got to have systems
    1:16:12 that cover everybody.
    1:16:15 And Medicaid is part of that patchwork of systems
    1:16:16 that we want to put together.
    1:16:21 But Medicaid, I mean, I can’t even tell you
    1:16:25 how important it is that we preserve that
    1:16:28 and that that’s a central part of a message.
    1:16:31 But what will we do in the state of Illinois?
    1:16:33 Well, let me make clear what we’re talking about.
    1:16:37 If they do away even just with the expansion of Medicaid,
    1:16:39 and I expect based on the budget that was passed
    1:16:42 in the house, if that were to become law somehow,
    1:16:43 the only way they could make that work
    1:16:45 is to cut Medicaid even further
    1:16:48 than just the Affordable Care Act.
    1:16:49 But let’s talk just about the Affordable Care Act.
    1:16:54 770,000 people in my state would lose healthcare.
    1:16:58 And if we were to try to make that up,
    1:17:01 it would be $7.4 billion.
    1:17:04 Now, our whole budget for the state is $55 billion.
    1:17:07 That’s what I proposed, $55 billion.
    1:17:09 We don’t have $7 billion to try to make up
    1:17:12 for the federal government, not sending us those dollars.
    1:17:15 So it would be devastating.
    1:17:17 And what would we do?
    1:17:18 Well, we’d have to, first of all,
    1:17:22 we’d lose our rural hospitals and our safety net hospitals,
    1:17:24 rural hospitals across most of my state,
    1:17:27 safety net hospitals in Chicago.
    1:17:29 And we can’t afford to lose those.
    1:17:32 So we would have to shore up those hospitals.
    1:17:36 We’d have to make sure that there’s as much free care
    1:17:40 as we could provide, which, without having $7.5 billion,
    1:17:43 it’s gonna be very difficult to do.
    1:17:47 But the $700 million, $750 million
    1:17:51 that the state provides as part of that Medicare expansion,
    1:17:53 we would probably have to turn that
    1:17:57 into subsidies for hospitals and for clinics.
    1:17:59 So it’s not good enough.
    1:18:01 Honestly, I mean, it’s what we would be able to do,
    1:18:03 but it’s not good enough.
    1:18:05 And that’s why we’ve gotta go out all of us
    1:18:06 and fight like heck.
    1:18:09 One more thing, the people who will lose their healthcare
    1:18:11 as a result of what they’re trying to do
    1:18:15 in the House budget, many of them are Republicans.
    1:18:18 Indeed, I think about half in Illinois.
    1:18:21 And we’re not a 50/50 Democrat-Republican state,
    1:18:23 but half the people who would lose Medicaid
    1:18:25 as a result of that would be people
    1:18:27 who live in Republican districts.
    1:18:30 And they’re, typically, they are Republicans.
    1:18:35 Rural Americans who have most often voted for Donald Trump
    1:18:38 didn’t know when they voted for him this last time
    1:18:41 that they’d be losing their healthcare.
    1:18:43 So I don’t know what to say.
    1:18:45 I mean, I’m frustrated as heck by this
    1:18:47 because if I had the resources available,
    1:18:49 of course I would put that back in place
    1:18:52 and make sure that people are not harmed
    1:18:54 by what the Congressional Republicans
    1:18:56 and Donald Trump are doing.
    1:18:59 Last thing on this topic, which is, or at least for me,
    1:19:02 Donald Trump says, he keeps saying,
    1:19:05 “Oh no, he’s not gonna hurt,
    1:19:08 he’s not gonna cut Medicaid, Medicare,
    1:19:09 or Social Security.”
    1:19:12 Well, meanwhile, indeed,
    1:19:16 he endorsed the Republican plan in the House
    1:19:18 that would cut Medicaid.
    1:19:21 So he’s lying.
    1:19:22 I mean, I don’t think that’s a surprise
    1:19:24 to a lot of people, he’s lying.
    1:19:26 But if he’s lying about Medicaid,
    1:19:30 is he lying about Medicare and Social Security?
    1:19:31 Probably, we don’t know yet,
    1:19:35 but you ought to be awfully suspicious.
    1:19:36 – Absolutely.
    1:19:39 I think that they often rely on the fact
    1:19:41 that some of their own supporters
    1:19:43 aren’t necessarily going to actually look
    1:19:45 at the language of the bill or connect the dots for them.
    1:19:47 But I think the Democrats have actually done
    1:19:49 a very good job of drawing that line
    1:19:51 straight to the Medicaid pot.
    1:19:54 And I’m glad to hear that you do have a backup plan,
    1:19:57 though obviously these things will not be adequate
    1:19:58 to compensate for it.
    1:20:00 And it’s a tough position to be in,
    1:20:03 to be championing what the federal government
    1:20:04 is doing for you.
    1:20:06 ‘Cause I think people, generally speaking,
    1:20:09 are suspicious of it or aren’t taking account
    1:20:10 of the things in their daily lives
    1:20:12 that are from the government.
    1:20:14 But it seems like the smartest way forward with us
    1:20:16 to say there are inefficiencies,
    1:20:19 but you get a hell of a lot out of the federal government.
    1:20:21 – Yeah, and I think it’s okay
    1:20:23 to talk about the inefficiencies.
    1:20:23 – Yes.
    1:20:26 – I admit that government, listen, I’ve seen it,
    1:20:29 I was in business before I became governor.
    1:20:31 I, now I’m in charge of a government.
    1:20:34 And I can tell you that there are inefficiencies everywhere
    1:20:37 and waste fraud and abuses people like to talk about it.
    1:20:41 It exists for sure and we’re always trying to root it out.
    1:20:44 But unlike using a chainsaw,
    1:20:46 the way that Elon Musk talks about
    1:20:50 and just cutting programs entirely,
    1:20:52 instead what you need to do,
    1:20:54 and this is the hard work of governing by the way,
    1:20:56 is you need to go into the agencies
    1:20:59 and task the people who are running the agencies
    1:21:04 with finding the areas of inefficiency and ineffectiveness.
    1:21:07 And I wanna focus on that last part
    1:21:10 because effectiveness is the important part
    1:21:11 of these programs.
    1:21:14 People need healthcare, they want efficiency,
    1:21:17 but most of all, they wanna deliver it effectively to them.
    1:21:20 And that involves efficiency.
    1:21:23 So I say that because delivering,
    1:21:27 making our institutions work is really important
    1:21:30 for reinstilling trust that people have in government.
    1:21:33 ‘Cause I get it, people don’t trust government.
    1:21:36 And you know, I’m, again, I came from outside of government.
    1:21:39 I can tell you, you know, when I saw, for example,
    1:21:43 that in Illinois, when I showed up,
    1:21:47 my predecessor, the Republican who preceded me,
    1:21:52 had left 140,000 Medicaid applications
    1:21:53 that they hadn’t looked at.
    1:21:55 And they were basically just delaying
    1:21:56 giving people their healthcare
    1:21:59 because he didn’t wanna pay for it, right?
    1:22:02 That’s ineffective and inefficient.
    1:22:03 You need people to get healthcare,
    1:22:06 otherwise they’re gonna end up in an emergency room,
    1:22:07 it’ll cost you a lot more.
    1:22:09 And then there are a whole lot of things
    1:22:12 that happen in government that take too long.
    1:22:14 And so we’ve gotta just acknowledge those things
    1:22:17 and recognize that, of course, there’s inefficiency.
    1:22:18 If people are all excited about,
    1:22:20 oh, a department of government efficiency,
    1:22:22 that sounds great.
    1:22:25 But I have to say, not if they’re taking away
    1:22:26 the things that really matter to you,
    1:22:30 like childcare, like meals on wheels, like Medicaid.
    1:22:31 – Absolutely.
    1:22:32 I wanna switch gears a little bit
    1:22:34 and talk about immigration,
    1:22:36 which was such a central piece
    1:22:38 of the presidential election, obviously.
    1:22:42 And what happened under the Biden administration
    1:22:45 hurt candidate Biden and then candidate Harris,
    1:22:49 a lot more than maybe some expected it to.
    1:22:51 You have discussed the fact that you will cooperate
    1:22:53 with ICE and so far as they are coming
    1:22:56 to pick up convicted criminals.
    1:22:58 Tom Homan has shown up, the borders are,
    1:23:02 in Chicago is talking about rounding up people.
    1:23:03 Where does all of that stand?
    1:23:05 And what are you doing in Illinois to make sure
    1:23:08 that you can be responsive to the way that people voted
    1:23:11 and that they believe there is a migrant crisis going on
    1:23:13 and also protecting people?
    1:23:14 – Yeah.
    1:23:16 Well, we’ve gotta have an immigration policy
    1:23:18 that actually makes some sense.
    1:23:23 They showed up in Chicago, Tom Homan did,
    1:23:26 and ICE with Dr. Phil in tow.
    1:23:30 – What do you have against Dr. Phil?
    1:23:34 – It’s, listen, I think everybody in government
    1:23:38 could use a therapist, but the fact is that showing up
    1:23:41 with a television personality, I mean,
    1:23:45 it really tells you it’s all for show.
    1:23:49 And they want to parade in front of the cameras,
    1:23:53 the undocumented immigrants that they’re finding.
    1:23:55 When it turns out that first of all,
    1:23:58 quite a number of the people that they rounded up
    1:24:00 are actually US citizens.
    1:24:03 And they just didn’t, like none of us,
    1:24:05 walk around with our citizenship papers, right?
    1:24:10 That sounds an awful lot like Germany in the 1930s.
    1:24:13 And that’s not something that,
    1:24:16 so people got rounded up and taken to Guantanamo
    1:24:19 and you’ve read some of the stories about that.
    1:24:25 So it’s been a terrible show for everybody
    1:24:29 first of all.
    1:24:32 And second of all, you have to have a coherent policy.
    1:24:33 You can’t just say we’re going
    1:24:36 after all the undocumented immigrants.
    1:24:38 Let’s start with the most violent,
    1:24:41 the people who’ve been convicted of a crime.
    1:24:44 I think none of us out here, governors,
    1:24:47 anybody believes that someone who’s been convicted
    1:24:49 of a violent crime who’s undocumented
    1:24:51 deserves to stay in this country.
    1:24:53 So fine, come get ’em.
    1:24:54 That’s great.
    1:24:57 We’ve always wanted help trying to arrest people
    1:24:59 who are violent criminals.
    1:25:01 But they’re not showing up at our prisons
    1:25:06 and our jails with warrants from a court,
    1:25:08 which is all you need, right?
    1:25:10 And it would be easy to get to say
    1:25:13 this person’s undocumented, we should deport them.
    1:25:14 Why aren’t they doing it?
    1:25:15 It’s one of two things.
    1:25:18 Either they’re smart enough to recognize
    1:25:22 that if you take people who are undocumented
    1:25:26 out of prison and then deport them and let them free,
    1:25:28 that they might end up coming back
    1:25:30 to the United States, these are violent criminals.
    1:25:34 We caught them, we convicted them, we put them in prison.
    1:25:38 So you don’t really wanna let them go.
    1:25:42 That’s, perhaps they understand that, perhaps.
    1:25:44 But they’re not showing up at our prisons
    1:25:47 and our jails with warrants to take them away.
    1:25:51 The second thing I think just to point out
    1:25:54 is that there are a lot of undocumented people
    1:25:58 who live in Illinois and all across the country
    1:26:03 who are law-abiding citizens or residents, rather,
    1:26:06 who hold down jobs, they pay taxes.
    1:26:08 They’re actually pillars of their community.
    1:26:10 There are neighbors and our friends often.
    1:26:12 And these are the very people
    1:26:15 that if you had a good immigration policy,
    1:26:16 you’d want to come into the country.
    1:26:17 So if they’re already here,
    1:26:20 how about we give them a path to staying here?
    1:26:23 Again, these are people, law-abiding good people,
    1:26:26 some of them own businesses or they’ve been,
    1:26:28 they’ve started businesses in this country.
    1:26:31 So, and then the last point I’ll make is that,
    1:26:33 ’cause again, I’m a business person,
    1:26:35 I, you look at the Fortune 500,
    1:26:40 46% of Fortune 500 companies were founded by immigrants
    1:26:42 or their children, their first generation children.
    1:26:44 We want immigration in this country.
    1:26:46 It’s good for our economy.
    1:26:49 It’s good for the future of the country.
    1:26:50 And with birth rates going down,
    1:26:52 we’re the one country in the world
    1:26:56 that is founded in many ways on immigration.
    1:26:58 And so we ought to take advantage of that
    1:27:01 when you look at all the other wealthy countries in the world.
    1:27:04 We’re the one that really has the opportunity
    1:27:06 to take advantage of our history
    1:27:08 and our belief in immigration
    1:27:11 to help ourselves in the world economy.
    1:27:14 – I agree with you on the point, the larger point,
    1:27:18 but I can’t escape the fact that here I’m in New York City,
    1:27:20 people in Chicago felt exactly the same way
    1:27:22 that the migrant crisis got wildly out of control
    1:27:25 and that we essentially had an open border policy.
    1:27:27 And then once some Republican governors
    1:27:31 started busing migrants up to our cities,
    1:27:34 that we realized what life is like in Eagle Pass, Texas
    1:27:36 for our fellow Americans there.
    1:27:39 And there were a number of city council meetings in Chicago
    1:27:40 that were widely covered.
    1:27:43 We did here at Fox where residents were showing up
    1:27:45 and talking about how their resources
    1:27:48 were being diverted to people who were here illegally
    1:27:50 and that that wasn’t okay,
    1:27:52 that it had to be in this sense, America first.
    1:27:53 And that’s been a key contributor
    1:27:57 to Mayor Brandon Johnson’s low approval rating.
    1:28:00 I believe it was 6% in an M3 poll that came out
    1:28:02 earlier this week.
    1:28:06 What can be done about that to make sure that,
    1:28:08 people who love the cities that they live in,
    1:28:11 who love immigrants the way that you’re talking about,
    1:28:13 but feel like we’re not on there,
    1:28:16 or people in elected office are not on their side,
    1:28:19 feel like they’re more responsive to them.
    1:28:23 – Well, I was a critic of the Biden administration’s policy.
    1:28:27 In fact, I reluctantly, I wrote a public letter,
    1:28:30 I sent it to the president and made it public
    1:28:33 about the mistakes that I think were being made
    1:28:35 at the border and the ways in which
    1:28:37 the federal government needed to step up
    1:28:40 and do a better job on immigration,
    1:28:42 particularly around the migrants.
    1:28:44 Meanwhile, just to be clear,
    1:28:45 and I know there were a lot of people,
    1:28:47 not just in Chicago, but around the country,
    1:28:50 who were upset about migrants showing up
    1:28:54 in their communities, and it cost our state
    1:28:57 quite a lot of money in our city of Chicago.
    1:29:01 But let me be clear, this was a humanitarian crisis
    1:29:02 from my perspective.
    1:29:06 I didn’t create the crisis, but all of a sudden,
    1:29:07 as you’re pointing out, buses showed up
    1:29:09 and they were aimed at Chicago.
    1:29:12 It wasn’t like people just naturally decided
    1:29:14 in the middle of winter, they’re gonna get on a bus
    1:29:18 from Texas and go to Chicago, and indeed,
    1:29:20 people showed up here with t-shirts
    1:29:22 and sandals on when they arrived.
    1:29:26 So it was an enormous challenge.
    1:29:31 The policy wasn’t right, but when people show up,
    1:29:35 we’re Americans, at that moment,
    1:29:38 when someone is without shelter,
    1:29:42 without the proper clothing and needing to be fed,
    1:29:44 you do all those things, and we did those things
    1:29:46 because it was the right thing to do.
    1:29:48 But yeah, the policy was wrong,
    1:29:53 and we need to have border security,
    1:29:57 and I love, by the way, that Ruben Gallego,
    1:29:59 I think, says it best.
    1:30:03 You don’t have a country if you don’t have a secure border.
    1:30:04 So let’s have a secure border,
    1:30:08 but let’s also have robust immigration,
    1:30:10 and immigration that isn’t just about people
    1:30:12 who are willing to pay $5 million,
    1:30:15 or have $5 million to pay for a gold card
    1:30:17 to get into the country and take advantage of
    1:30:19 whatever tax breaks they might be given,
    1:30:23 but also immigration that allows people like my family,
    1:30:27 who came here three generations ago, and had nothing.
    1:30:29 We were refugees from Ukraine,
    1:30:31 would have been killed had they stayed,
    1:30:35 as many Jews were, and were allowed to come
    1:30:38 into this country and had nothing,
    1:30:42 but the most driven people that are in our country
    1:30:43 are often the people who show up
    1:30:46 from somewhere else escaping something,
    1:30:49 wanting to make a better life for them themselves
    1:30:52 and their families, and so that’s the,
    1:30:54 it’s a challenge, there’s no doubt,
    1:30:57 but it doesn’t seem, frankly, all that complicated
    1:31:01 if you secure the border, which we can do.
    1:31:03 It seems like it’s happening now,
    1:31:05 but you can secure the border,
    1:31:07 but also think about the economic future,
    1:31:09 the country is dependent upon
    1:31:11 having more immigration at less.
    1:31:14 – Absolutely, I want to stick on Chicago for a second
    1:31:17 and talk about the public school education problem,
    1:31:19 which is not just an issue for Chicago,
    1:31:20 it’s happening nationally,
    1:31:22 but particularly pronounced there,
    1:31:26 bad testing rates, you have low enrollment,
    1:31:27 kids not showing up to school,
    1:31:30 teachers unions want a new contract.
    1:31:31 How do you think we can revive
    1:31:33 the American public school system?
    1:31:36 – Yeah, invest in it, let’s begin with that.
    1:31:41 But also I’d like to just challenge
    1:31:44 at least a couple of notions you put forward.
    1:31:47 The NAEP scores, which are the English,
    1:31:52 the reading and math scores that are done nationally,
    1:31:55 these are the tests that are given all across the nation,
    1:32:00 just came out and our eighth graders in Illinois
    1:32:02 came in second in the nation,
    1:32:03 number one was Massachusetts,
    1:32:05 number two was Illinois.
    1:32:10 Our eighth graders in math came in fifth in the nation.
    1:32:12 So we’re actually doing pretty well,
    1:32:15 I’m talking about the state of Illinois
    1:32:18 is doing reasonably well.
    1:32:20 There are always challenges in big cities
    1:32:23 versus other places like suburbs, for example,
    1:32:26 but that doesn’t mean we got to give up on those kids
    1:32:29 or give up on investing in those schools,
    1:32:31 but they do need to be managed well
    1:32:33 and we do need to attract teachers.
    1:32:37 We don’t have enough teachers and we’re gonna need more
    1:32:41 and we have put in programs I have to attract teachers
    1:32:45 to provide signing bonuses to help them get housing
    1:32:47 and so on and we have the ability to attract them
    1:32:50 because we pay reasonably well
    1:32:52 if you wanna be a teacher in Chicago
    1:32:54 or anywhere in the state of Illinois.
    1:32:56 So it’s an attractive place to teach,
    1:33:00 but we got to invest in these schools.
    1:33:03 We’re not fully invested in the state of Illinois,
    1:33:04 we’re trying really hard.
    1:33:09 I inherited a fiscal situation that was terrible in 2019
    1:33:13 when I came into office and we’ve gotten nine credit upgrades
    1:33:15 and we’ve finally got a rainy day fund
    1:33:18 and we’ve increased funding for education
    1:33:21 by more than $2 billion since I came into office
    1:33:23 and we’re continuing that with the proposed budget
    1:33:25 I put in place.
    1:33:30 But the fact is that our kids are worth investing in
    1:33:36 and I would say the wraparound services
    1:33:38 that you need for their families
    1:33:42 is also hugely important in order for our kids
    1:33:43 to get ahead.
    1:33:46 Last point I’ll make on this, early childhood education,
    1:33:49 I’ve been involved in this arena for 25 years
    1:33:50 long before I was governor,
    1:33:54 is perhaps the most important arena for us to invest in.
    1:33:57 It’s a universal preschool,
    1:34:02 but it’s also everything from early intervention services
    1:34:06 which can make the difference between a child growing up
    1:34:09 with challenges and autism their whole life
    1:34:14 or perhaps being able to actually join a classroom
    1:34:19 in a public school and graduate and go to college.
    1:34:21 Those early intervention investments
    1:34:25 make a big difference, so do home visitation programs.
    1:34:29 We’ve seen that nurses or professionals showing up
    1:34:31 and helping parents do a better job
    1:34:33 and answer questions for them
    1:34:38 and providing them a healthcare check.
    1:34:39 Makes a big difference.
    1:34:42 So I mentioned all that because I think people think
    1:34:46 that well, children are not doing well in school
    1:34:47 if our school isn’t doing well.
    1:34:50 Well, maybe we ought to divest from schools
    1:34:51 and just let it kind of happen
    1:34:53 on its own private market.
    1:34:55 And the reality is that public education
    1:34:57 is the foundation of our democracy
    1:35:01 and we need to invest in it, not divest.
    1:35:01 – Yeah.
    1:35:04 I wanted to, as an extension of the school conversation,
    1:35:06 could you talk a little bit about your push to ban
    1:35:09 cell phones in school and some of what you’re hearing
    1:35:11 also from concerned parents
    1:35:12 that they won’t be able to reach their kids
    1:35:14 if, God forbid, there’s an emergency.
    1:35:15 – Yeah.
    1:35:18 And that was a very important thing that I considered
    1:35:19 as I put the policy together.
    1:35:25 First, we need kids to be focused in class.
    1:35:29 We need teachers to not have to fight the fight
    1:35:35 with students about their devices in class.
    1:35:39 And if you ask teachers and ask most parents,
    1:35:42 and I have done that.
    1:35:45 I’ve talked to an awful lot of people about this.
    1:35:47 Most parents will tell you they would rather
    1:35:50 their kids didn’t have those devices in class.
    1:35:52 They do want them to have them in school though.
    1:35:54 They want, in other words, it’s okay with them
    1:35:56 if it’s in their locker
    1:35:58 or if they check them in outside the classroom.
    1:36:01 They want their kids though to be able to focus in class
    1:36:03 and they want their teachers to be able
    1:36:05 to focus on their kids in class.
    1:36:09 So parents, generally speaking, very much in favor.
    1:36:14 How do we take care of the problem where their parents,
    1:36:17 remember, there are some kids who actually need
    1:36:21 to have a device because there are a variety of reasons why,
    1:36:24 but one is just anxiety.
    1:36:28 So that’s just one example.
    1:36:30 But what we’ve done is proposed a policy
    1:36:34 where the schools get to work on their individual policies,
    1:36:37 but they’re designed to have exceptions.
    1:36:39 Again, there are also health needs.
    1:36:42 I mentioned a mental health need and anxiety,
    1:36:43 but there are other health needs,
    1:36:45 diabetes, for example.
    1:36:50 And we’ve got automatic readers for people who have diabetes.
    1:36:51 So these are all things
    1:36:52 that are taken into account in this policy.
    1:36:56 Broadly speaking though, this is hugely popular.
    1:36:57 There’s just no doubt about it.
    1:36:58 And it’s the right thing to do.
    1:37:01 And I have kids who graduated just two, three,
    1:37:06 four years ago, two of them from high school.
    1:37:09 And I went and asked them about how distracting is it?
    1:37:14 And also, did your friends experience cyberbullying
    1:37:16 in classes?
    1:37:18 And the answer is yes.
    1:37:21 That there was that going on just in a single classroom.
    1:37:23 People are getting bullied on their device.
    1:37:28 So I think the trade-off is actually a really positive one.
    1:37:31 Just leave the device outside the door.
    1:37:34 There’s a way to lock them up.
    1:37:37 And you can get it when you leave class.
    1:37:40 And for the most part, it’s not gonna be a problem
    1:37:43 and schools get to make those decisions for themselves.
    1:37:46 – Last thing, and I do this with all of our guests.
    1:37:49 What’s one thing that makes you rage?
    1:37:49 And what’s one thing
    1:37:52 that you think we should all just calm down about?
    1:37:53 – Yeah.
    1:37:57 You know, one thing that makes me rage is,
    1:37:59 and this is a funny thing to say in the context
    1:38:04 of that question is I watch our public officials
    1:38:06 and what’s happening in our political life.
    1:38:11 And it’s like people have forgotten how to be kind.
    1:38:13 And it seems to me that the whole purpose
    1:38:17 of public service is to deliver
    1:38:18 what people need to make their lives better.
    1:38:21 And that seems like a part of the answer
    1:38:24 to the question of how can you be kind?
    1:38:26 And we ought to be kind to one another.
    1:38:29 And what makes me rage is to look at the political arena
    1:38:33 and see that that seems to have gone out the window.
    1:38:36 And so it drives me crazy.
    1:38:38 It’s not something, I’m not a person
    1:38:40 who will rage in public,
    1:38:43 but you saw the speech that I gave.
    1:38:44 – Yeah.
    1:38:48 – About the death of a constitutional Republican.
    1:38:51 And obviously my experience,
    1:38:55 my own family escaped the pogroms in Ukraine.
    1:38:57 I helped to build a Holocaust museum.
    1:39:00 So you can imagine that watching our constitutional democracy
    1:39:05 be torn apart is enraging to me.
    1:39:07 – Absolutely, and calm down about something?
    1:39:10 Or should we just stay?
    1:39:12 – I’m not sure what to calm down about right now.
    1:39:15 That’s an answer, I totally get it.
    1:39:18 – But I do think we’ve got a lot of work
    1:39:21 to do, all of us to refocus ourselves
    1:39:23 on the direction of the country.
    1:39:27 And again, on the most vulnerable people in our society,
    1:39:30 working-class Americans, middle-class Americans,
    1:39:32 that’s where we ought to be focusing.
    1:39:34 And not letting the richest man in the world
    1:39:37 dictate the policies of the US government.
    1:39:39 – Amen to that.
    1:39:40 All right, Governor Pritzker,
    1:39:41 thank you so much for your time.
    1:39:43 I left getting to interview.
    1:39:44 – Appreciate you.
    1:39:47 – Thank you all for listening to “Raging Moderates.”
    1:39:50 Our producers are David Toledo and Shanayne Onike,
    1:39:52 our technical director is Drew Burroughs.
    1:39:53 You can now find “Raging Moderates”
    1:39:55 on its own feed every Tuesday.
    1:39:56 That’s right, its own feed.
    1:39:58 And there you’ll get exclusive interviews
    1:39:59 with smart voices and politics.
    1:40:01 Please follow us wherever you get your podcasts.
    1:40:02 Thanks.
    1:40:05 (upbeat music)

    Jessica Tarlov gets the inside scoop from Anthony Scaramucci—the man who lasted 11 wild days in the Trump White House—on where Trump fumbled in his meeting with Zelensky, what really went down during his short but chaotic tenure, and why Elon Musk’s growing influence in government should have all of us paying attention. Then, Illinois Governor JB Pritzker joins the conversation to break down the creeping authoritarianism in the GOP and make the case for why Democrats need to get back to basics—like fixing the economy—if they want to win big.

    Follow Jessica Tarlov, @JessicaTarlov

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  • Grok 3 vs Claude 3.7 vs GPT-4.5: Which Update is The Best?

    AI transcript
    0:00:01 [MUSIC PLAYING]
    0:00:03 Hey, welcome back to the Next Wave Podcast.
    0:00:04 I’m Matt Wolf.
    0:00:05 I’m here with Nathan Lanz.
    0:00:08 And there has been an absolute ton of AI news
    0:00:10 that came out recently, especially in the world
    0:00:11 of large language models.
    0:00:12 We got GROC 3.
    0:00:14 We got GPT 4.5.
    0:00:16 We got Claude 3.7.
    0:00:21 Just so many new big foundation models have been released.
    0:00:23 And so for this episode, we wanted
    0:00:26 to deep dive into what each one is good at
    0:00:28 and what each one is not good at.
    0:00:29 So for that, we brought on our good friend
    0:00:33 Matthew Berman, who is probably the best person we know
    0:00:35 to really compare them all.
    0:00:37 Because he deep dives and tests every single one
    0:00:40 of these models way deeper than we test them.
    0:00:44 So let’s go ahead and just dive right in with Matthew Berman.
    0:00:46 Thanks so much for joining us, Matthew.
    0:00:48 It’s great to have you back on the show.
    0:00:48 Thanks for having me.
    0:00:51 I’ve been telling people for a long time–
    0:00:53 I think I even mentioned this to you last time we had you
    0:00:53 on the show–
    0:00:55 that when it comes to large language models
    0:00:59 and trying to compare them and talk about which model is best
    0:01:01 at this and which model is best at that.
    0:01:03 I don’t even do that on my YouTube channel anymore.
    0:01:05 I just point people to your channel.
    0:01:07 I’m like, yeah, Matthew’s going to test this.
    0:01:09 And he’s going to tell you which models do what better
    0:01:10 than others.
    0:01:12 So you’re like my go-to now when it comes
    0:01:15 to comparing large language models.
    0:01:17 I appreciate that.
    0:01:17 That’s awesome.
    0:01:18 Thanks for having me again.
    0:01:21 I had a great time last time, so I’m excited to chat again.
    0:01:22 Yeah, likewise.
    0:01:23 So this will be fun.
    0:01:26 I’m trying to figure out where the best place to dig in
    0:01:28 is because so much has come out.
    0:01:29 Here’s kind of the timeline of events
    0:01:31 that I feel are the important events, right?
    0:01:32 We got Grock 3.
    0:01:36 And then a few days later, we got Claude Sonnet 3.7.
    0:01:40 And then a few days after that, we got GPT 4.5, which
    0:01:43 actually happens to be the day that we’re recording this episode
    0:01:45 is the day that GPT 4.5 came out.
    0:01:49 So we’ve all had that news in our heads for three hours now.
    0:01:51 And that’s about it.
    0:01:53 But maybe we start with Grock.
    0:01:56 Matt, what have your thoughts been on Grock 3 so far?
    0:01:57 Like how much have you played with it?
    0:02:00 And what have you found it’s like really good at so far?
    0:02:03 Yeah, so if I could show you my bookmarks bar in Chrome,
    0:02:07 you will see that Grock now has a prominent placement
    0:02:10 right next to chat GPT and right next to perplexity.
    0:02:12 So the answer is I use it a lot.
    0:02:16 And it has really become my go-to large language model.
    0:02:16 Oh, really?
    0:02:17 Yeah.
    0:02:17 Same here.
    0:02:20 Look, I have been a pretty die-hard chat GPT user.
    0:02:21 There’s really two reasons.
    0:02:23 Number one is speed, right?
    0:02:26 I think speed of these models, speed of the response
    0:02:29 is really underappreciated by a lot of people.
    0:02:32 But it’s the same reason why you converted a higher rate
    0:02:34 when a web page loads faster.
    0:02:37 It just builds trust and you just get the answer more quickly.
    0:02:39 And then it’s also the real time information.
    0:02:43 Having access to all of the news on X in real time
    0:02:45 is such a killer feature.
    0:02:47 And of course, it’s a good model.
    0:02:49 So I think those two factors, plus it just
    0:02:53 being a fantastic model, that has made it my go-to model.
    0:02:54 But that might change now that 4.5 is out,
    0:02:55 but we’ll get there.
    0:02:56 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
    0:02:57 One thing I would say, too, is they
    0:02:59 say that they’re really improving the model really fast.
    0:03:02 And I believe it, because their team actually reached out to me.
    0:03:03 And they’re like, what’s your feedback?
    0:03:05 And I’ve been going back and forth with them,
    0:03:07 giving them my thoughts on what they should be doing.
    0:03:08 Oh, that’s cool.
    0:03:08 Yeah.
    0:03:10 And sorry if Aravind or anyone from Perplexity
    0:03:12 hears this, but I’m like, this has replaced Perplexity for me.
    0:03:14 And I think you guys should double down on that.
    0:03:15 That’s what I was telling them.
    0:03:17 I think you guys should be replacing Google,
    0:03:19 replacing Wikipedia, replacing Perplexity.
    0:03:21 Any question I have, I should be going to GROC.
    0:03:23 They’re combining search and X data.
    0:03:25 Like, no one has that, and no one ever will have that.
    0:03:26 Yeah.
    0:03:29 Nathan, does that make you a high-taste tester?
    0:03:30 Oh, yeah.
    0:03:32 Because like, I’m certainly not.
    0:03:33 I get no previews at all.
    0:03:34 Yeah.
    0:03:35 I don’t either.
    0:03:37 I don’t seem to get any early access
    0:03:41 to any of the anthropic models, the open AI models,
    0:03:42 the X models, none of them.
    0:03:47 So yeah, I think Nathan probably has the best ins right now.
    0:03:49 I was a low-level member of a lot of the different Silicon
    0:03:51 Valley mafias.
    0:03:52 I was not a high-level member, but I
    0:03:55 was the low level of several of them.
    0:03:59 The gaming one, the social media one, the crypto one,
    0:04:02 the Taiwanese mafia.
    0:04:04 I was kind of a member of all of those.
    0:04:06 And some of the YC people, as well, I know a lot of them.
    0:04:07 A lot of them, too.
    0:04:10 You know, I personally think that GROC’s biggest hurdle
    0:04:11 is just Elon.
    0:04:14 I’m sure you’ve seen this, Matthew, on your YouTube channel,
    0:04:16 because you’ve made a couple videos about GROC now.
    0:04:18 When GROC came out, I made a news video about it.
    0:04:21 And overwhelmingly, all of the comments about GROC are like,
    0:04:24 I’m never going to touch anything Elon makes.
    0:04:27 And so I almost think that, like, so many people
    0:04:29 are throwing the baby out with the bathwater
    0:04:32 when it comes to actually using and trying GROC
    0:04:35 just because it’s Elon’s name attached to it.
    0:04:39 Yeah, so whatever I post anything about GROC on X,
    0:04:43 if it’s negative about GROC or Elon, I get flamed.
    0:04:47 If it’s positive, everybody cheers it, shares it,
    0:04:48 everything.
    0:04:50 The opposite is true on YouTube.
    0:04:53 I made a video about GROC 3 being really good,
    0:04:54 because it is.
    0:04:57 So many people commented, they won’t touch it just like you,
    0:04:58 won’t touch it.
    0:05:03 Elon’s AI model, bias, conservative, right wing.
    0:05:04 I’m apolitic.
    0:05:06 I’m trying to stay out of it as much as I can in the videos.
    0:05:09 But anytime I mention anything having
    0:05:16 to do with Elon X, GROC, I get the meanest comments on YouTube.
    0:05:17 It’s wild.
    0:05:20 I think so many people are just going to not experience
    0:05:24 probably what is the best model available right now
    0:05:27 just because of the Elon factor.
    0:05:29 Now, when it comes to code, I don’t necessarily
    0:05:31 think GROC is the best.
    0:05:31 I don’t know.
    0:05:34 I actually honestly haven’t tested GROC with code
    0:05:36 because I mostly do code with cursor.
    0:05:39 And I don’t believe GROC 3 has pushed its API out yet.
    0:05:40 I don’t think.
    0:05:41 I don’t think so.
    0:05:43 So I’ve been mostly playing with 3.7.
    0:05:44 I’ve tested it.
    0:05:46 I’ve tested it a little bit.
    0:05:46 It’s weird.
    0:05:48 It’s not very consistent.
    0:05:49 There’s sometimes where it’s amazing at code.
    0:05:52 You’re like, oh, wow, that’s like a really creative solution.
    0:05:53 And it’s doing something better than Claude
    0:05:55 in some very limited circumstances.
    0:05:57 But then other times, it just won’t follow my instructions
    0:05:58 as well for code.
    0:06:01 In terms of reliability, when Claude 3.7 came out,
    0:06:03 that’s by far the best now for coding.
    0:06:05 But it feels like there is something there.
    0:06:07 I wouldn’t discount them forever.
    0:06:08 They could improve that.
    0:06:10 And all of a sudden, GROC 3 could be the best at coding.
    0:06:11 Right.
    0:06:12 Matthew, I’m curious.
    0:06:14 So when it comes to GROC 3, I know
    0:06:17 you have your own internal benchmarks
    0:06:20 that you’ve been using on some of these tools.
    0:06:22 What have you found GROC 3 is really good at?
    0:06:25 And are there any things GROC 3 is just not
    0:06:26 going to be your go-to for?
    0:06:28 Well, let me say something first.
    0:06:30 I had to throw my benchmarks out.
    0:06:32 Because they were completely saturated.
    0:06:35 They were absolutely annihilated by every single model
    0:06:36 that comes out nowadays.
    0:06:37 So I threw them out.
    0:06:42 I’m currently in the process of creating a new set of benchmarks
    0:06:43 and questions.
    0:06:46 GROC, again, the thing I go to it for
    0:06:49 is real-time information as quickly as I need it.
    0:06:51 And that it’s awesome at.
    0:06:53 I’ve tested it on some other things,
    0:06:56 like quick coding challenges, some math challenges.
    0:06:57 And it does really well.
    0:07:00 But those aren’t the everyday use cases for me.
    0:07:02 So there’s only so much I can test with it.
    0:07:05 I’ll just prompt it with one of my benchmark questions,
    0:07:05 see if it’s right.
    0:07:07 It’s like, OK, yeah, it’s right or no, it’s wrong.
    0:07:09 But overall, what I care about and I
    0:07:12 think what most people care about is day-to-day usage.
    0:07:15 Is it going to solve my problems?
    0:07:16 And it does.
    0:07:17 GROC3 is great at that.
    0:07:21 And typically, I was using GPT-40.
    0:07:24 And now GROC3 with thinking kind of replaces that,
    0:07:26 although I don’t really need the thinking.
    0:07:28 Yeah, it’s just really good at the day-to-day stuff
    0:07:29 that I would use it for.
    0:07:33 So I’m kind of split between GROC3, perplexity, and chat
    0:07:34 GPT.
    0:07:35 And now 4.5 came out.
    0:07:37 I would say I tested it right before we got on here.
    0:07:39 And I would say, OK, 4.5 has a better
    0:07:41 vibe for general chat.
    0:07:42 But it’s slower.
    0:07:43 Oh, it’s about the vibes.
    0:07:44 But when you get the response back,
    0:07:46 the liked response is better, actually.
    0:07:47 So that’s impressive.
    0:07:50 It’s writing is better, but it’s slower.
    0:07:51 So there’s a huge trade up there.
    0:07:53 It feels like 4.5 is going to serve
    0:07:57 something maybe for creative writing or creative work.
    0:07:59 It’s probably the best for now.
    0:08:01 But it is interesting that the cost is so much higher.
    0:08:02 Really?
    0:08:04 Yeah, I think it was 70 per million input tokens,
    0:08:06 half of that for cashed input.
    0:08:08 It’s funny, Nathan, that you bring up writing.
    0:08:12 That is honestly something that I want to use AI for much more
    0:08:15 often than I do, but it is so bad.
    0:08:16 It’s so bad at writing.
    0:08:20 And I haven’t had enough time to test 4.5 for writing,
    0:08:21 but I really hope that it’s good.
    0:08:22 It’s better.
    0:08:25 Because then that’s going to be able to help me with a lot
    0:08:26 of things that I do day to day.
    0:08:28 I don’t script my videos, but sometimes I
    0:08:31 want help writing the bullet points for them.
    0:08:34 Or sometimes I want a tweet thread,
    0:08:35 the initial drafts created for me.
    0:08:38 I gave it probably, I don’t know,
    0:08:40 over 100 pages of different notes about my game,
    0:08:43 including the story and things like that and the game mechanics.
    0:08:46 And it took a long time to respond, actually, like a very long.
    0:08:47 I was kind of surprised.
    0:08:49 This feels like a one pro when you hit into a lot of stuff.
    0:08:50 4.5?
    0:08:50 4.5.
    0:08:52 Took a long time to respond.
    0:08:52 I was surprised.
    0:08:53 Like very long.
    0:08:54 It was very slow.
    0:08:56 Like three minutes to respond or something to all that.
    0:08:59 But then its notes on the story were perfect.
    0:09:02 It gave me amazing critiques of like, I love this part.
    0:09:06 And it even had little emojis having color coatings.
    0:09:10 It had green, orange, blue, and red and different ones.
    0:09:11 It was like, like, green’s good.
    0:09:12 Love this part.
    0:09:14 This part probably could be tweaked.
    0:09:15 This part don’t like it.
    0:09:16 Here’s why.
    0:09:17 And these parts are interesting.
    0:09:19 Maybe you keep them, maybe you don’t.
    0:09:20 The feedback was good.
    0:09:21 Like it was solid.
    0:09:22 So I do want to test it more for writing.
    0:09:23 But my first impression is,
    0:09:26 yeah, it is probably the best model for writing now.
    0:09:27 That’s great.
    0:09:27 Yeah.
    0:09:29 Well, going back to Grock for a second,
    0:09:31 have you guys played with the voice mode yet?
    0:09:34 I’ve used advanced voice mode a little bit.
    0:09:37 I don’t find it to be like super useful throughout my day.
    0:09:39 If I’m driving, if I’m walking,
    0:09:41 if there’s just not a screen in front of me,
    0:09:42 maybe I’ll use it.
    0:09:45 But what I found specifically with ChatGPT advanced voice mode
    0:09:49 is you’ll ask a question and there’s that delay.
    0:09:51 And then sometimes it repeats it and then stops
    0:09:53 and then repeats it again.
    0:09:56 It’s just such a high friction experience.
    0:09:58 It’s not great yet.
    0:10:00 I do use voice on perplexity.
    0:10:01 I’m a big baseball fan.
    0:10:03 Spring Training just started with baseball.
    0:10:04 They’ve introduced some like new rules
    0:10:06 that I didn’t realize existed.
    0:10:08 I was watching one of the Spring Training games.
    0:10:09 I opened up perplexity and I’m like,
    0:10:11 “Hey, is there a new rule that I didn’t know about?”
    0:10:13 And I just will talk to perplexity and ask it questions
    0:10:15 and it will like do all the research,
    0:10:17 figure out the new rules that are going on in baseball
    0:10:19 and then give them back to me.
    0:10:21 And I found that pretty helpful.
    0:10:24 I still find myself typing my questions more often
    0:10:25 than speaking them.
    0:10:27 But every once in a while, I’ll be feeling lazy.
    0:10:29 I’ll hit the voice button and just ask my question.
    0:10:30 I find that helpful.
    0:10:34 I know Nathan, you kind of almost use some of the voice modes,
    0:10:36 especially advanced voice and ChatGPT
    0:10:38 for like journaling, right?
    0:10:40 I’m a big believer in it long-term,
    0:10:41 but I have been kind of disappointed
    0:10:42 like in advanced voice mode.
    0:10:44 Like the demo they showed seemed amazing
    0:10:45 and it seemed like they removed
    0:10:46 so many different parts of it.
    0:10:47 And some of the things they demoed
    0:10:48 when you tried them in real life,
    0:10:51 they don’t work as well as in the demos.
    0:10:52 My wife’s Japanese.
    0:10:53 My Japanese is getting better,
    0:10:54 so I don’t have to use it as much,
    0:10:56 but for like really hard topics,
    0:10:58 we haven’t tried to use it to do translation.
    0:11:01 And it just gets confused so easily.
    0:11:02 Like as soon as you go from one language to the other,
    0:11:04 like sometimes it’ll translate it properly.
    0:11:06 So like, “Okay, cool, it worked in that use case.”
    0:11:07 But okay, when then she talks back to me,
    0:11:09 then sometimes it just totally gets confused.
    0:11:10 And instead of translating,
    0:11:13 sometimes it’ll like start talking versus translating.
    0:11:15 It’ll start saying its own stuff
    0:11:16 versus doing a translation.
    0:11:18 And it’s like, “Okay, that’s super annoying.”
    0:11:19 And then we just turn it off
    0:11:21 every single time that’s ever happened.
    0:11:23 – Yeah, I know Sam Holtman’s even talked about,
    0:11:25 he wants the AIs in the future
    0:11:28 to be more in line with your own beliefs, right?
    0:11:31 So like, it knows your religious beliefs,
    0:11:32 your political beliefs.
    0:11:34 – So bring your own bias.
    0:11:35 – Yeah, your own bias.
    0:11:36 It will actually learn your bias
    0:11:38 and sort of lean into your bias more
    0:11:40 to give you more of what you want.
    0:11:42 And I think that’s a really, really scary thing.
    0:11:44 There was a little bit of word
    0:11:45 about this happening on like Facebook, right?
    0:11:49 Where Facebook was using like AI bots in the feed
    0:11:52 that people didn’t even realize were AI bots.
    0:11:54 And so people would post stuff on Facebook.
    0:11:56 They would get like a bunch of responses
    0:11:57 from these AI bots,
    0:11:59 not even realize that they’re AI.
    0:12:00 And they’re going, “Oh, cool,
    0:12:02 I get great engagement on Facebook.”
    0:12:04 And it keeps on bringing them back to Facebook
    0:12:06 over and over and over again,
    0:12:08 because Facebook’s where they get engagement
    0:12:09 and they’re not even realizing
    0:12:10 that they’re talking to AIs.
    0:12:12 I think that’s going to be a bigger
    0:12:13 and bigger problem as well,
    0:12:17 where social media is all about getting dopamine hits, right?
    0:12:20 We post our tweets because we want to get those likes.
    0:12:21 We want to get those retweets.
    0:12:22 We want to get those comments.
    0:12:23 Every time we see one of those,
    0:12:25 we get a little dopamine hit
    0:12:27 and we keep on coming back for more.
    0:12:30 Well, if AI gets really, really, really good
    0:12:33 at giving us those dopamine hits every time we want them,
    0:12:36 we’re going to go to wherever we get the most dopamine hits
    0:12:38 at the highest frequency.
    0:12:41 I think that’s what’s really sort of worries me
    0:12:41 about the future.
    0:12:44 And it ties into like the whole population collapse as well.
    0:12:46 I think it gets to that point
    0:12:47 where people communicate with other humans
    0:12:49 less and less and less and less,
    0:12:51 because they’re getting their dopamine hits
    0:12:53 from fake people on social media.
    0:12:55 They’re getting their conversational needs
    0:12:57 met by unhinged voice chats
    0:13:00 that have the same bias as me.
    0:13:04 They love Trump and their, you know, the MAGA girl.
    0:13:05 And I can talk to the MAGA girl
    0:13:07 who has the same belief system that I have
    0:13:09 or whatever, I’m not saying that’s my belief system.
    0:13:11 I’m just, you know, for example.
    0:13:13 And so it’s very, very concerning.
    0:13:14 Like, I think you and me, Matthew,
    0:13:16 are pretty much on the same page
    0:13:19 where we generally lean optimistic on this stuff,
    0:13:21 but there’s still quite a few things
    0:13:23 that actually do scare me about this as well.
    0:13:26 I’m not like the whole accelerationist
    0:13:28 where I’m just like push forward as fast as possible.
    0:13:30 I’m like, maybe there’s some things
    0:13:32 we shouldn’t push forward as fast as possible on.
    0:13:34 And that’s definitely one of those areas.
    0:13:37 (upbeat music)
    0:13:38 – Hey, we’ll be right back to the show.
    0:13:40 But first I want to have another podcast
    0:13:41 I know you’re gonna love.
    0:13:43 It’s called Entrepreneurs on Fire
    0:13:45 and it’s hosted by John Lee Dumas
    0:13:47 available now on the HubSpot Podcast Network.
    0:13:49 Entrepreneurs on Fire stokes inspiration
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    0:14:00 And really, you know, if you like fast paced
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    0:14:05 this is the show for you.
    0:14:07 And recently they had a great episode
    0:14:10 about how women are taking over remote sales
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    0:14:13 It was a fantastic episode.
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    0:14:19 wherever you get your podcasts.
    0:14:22 (upbeat music)
    0:14:24 – Yeah, you know, Elon had said with Grock,
    0:14:27 which I find kind of promising hopefully is that, you know,
    0:14:29 they want to be maximum truth seeking,
    0:14:30 which sounds a lot better to me
    0:14:32 than when I’m hearing from open AI
    0:14:33 of like bring your own bias.
    0:14:35 Like we’re gonna allow you to pick your bias
    0:14:38 and we’re just gonna serve you up information based on that
    0:14:40 because all truth is subjective or whatever.
    0:14:41 But I worried that, you know,
    0:14:45 as obviously Elon has his own bias now as well, you know,
    0:14:47 and, you know, I’m probably more right wing
    0:14:48 than anyone on this podcast right now.
    0:14:50 I’m not super right wing, but, you know,
    0:14:52 after living in San Francisco for a long time,
    0:14:53 that kind of did that to me.
    0:14:55 And I do worry that he’ll go too far with it.
    0:14:58 Grock will become like a right wing AI.
    0:15:00 I do think it needs to be unbiased.
    0:15:02 I’m not sure how you do that
    0:15:03 ’cause there’s bias in everything.
    0:15:04 Like if you pull up facts online
    0:15:06 or you pull up something from the Wall Street Journal
    0:15:09 or CNN or whatever, there’s bias in all of this.
    0:15:11 And so since all the models are trained on that,
    0:15:15 I’m just not sure how you get around the bias, you know?
    0:15:17 – By the way, this is the part where I start
    0:15:20 to get flabbed on Twitter and YouTube,
    0:15:22 but for completely opposite reasons,
    0:15:23 but I’m still gonna share anyways,
    0:15:26 this is not reflective of my political opinion
    0:15:29 or anything like that, but here’s a couple of things.
    0:15:34 Yeah, Elon has said, “Maximally truth seeking for Grock 3.”
    0:15:37 And great, like in theory, that makes a lot of sense.
    0:15:39 But how do you do that?
    0:15:43 Ultimately, you have to create systems
    0:15:46 and maybe you’re able to create them or maybe you’re not,
    0:15:48 but those systems are created by humans.
    0:15:51 The original training data is created by humans.
    0:15:55 The post-training techniques are created by humans.
    0:15:58 The reinforcement learning is also set up by humans.
    0:16:00 So there’s like a human in the loop.
    0:16:04 So what he claims to be completely maximally truth seeking
    0:16:06 is just what he believes.
    0:16:08 And maybe not necessarily him,
    0:16:09 but he’s trying to give a different perspective,
    0:16:10 which, you know, fine.
    0:16:13 But did you see what happened just a few days ago?
    0:16:17 Grock 3 was caught having custom instructions that said,
    0:16:20 don’t cite any sources that say Elon Musk
    0:16:23 and Donald Trump are spreaders of disinformation.
    0:16:25 And they were caught doing this.
    0:16:28 And so I reported on it and of course,
    0:16:30 flamed from both sides, but fine.
    0:16:33 But the point is, yeah, it’s as simple as somebody
    0:16:36 submits a PR and it has a little line
    0:16:38 in the system prompt saying, don’t do this.
    0:16:40 And then all of a sudden, fingers on the scale, right?
    0:16:42 So it’s very possible.
    0:16:44 It’s not only possible, it’s happening.
    0:16:47 And it doesn’t matter if it’s from OpenAI or Grock
    0:16:50 or Google or Anthropic, they all have bias.
    0:16:53 I can’t imagine a world in which the bias
    0:16:55 is removed completely, although I hope it does.
    0:16:58 I just, I don’t see a path towards that.
    0:17:00 – Yeah, I mean, I honestly don’t understand
    0:17:02 how it’s possible.
    0:17:04 Like you guys said, it’s all trained on data
    0:17:05 that was created by humans.
    0:17:09 It’s all basically a scraping of the entire internet,
    0:17:11 which just inherently has bias.
    0:17:14 Like I just, I don’t understand how it’s possible, honestly.
    0:17:16 And how do you determine what is the truth
    0:17:17 and what is not?
    0:17:18 – That’s the question.
    0:17:20 – I don’t know, maybe if the models get really smart
    0:17:22 and can do like real reasoning
    0:17:24 and that they can look at both sides of anything,
    0:17:25 they can kind of find the middle ground
    0:17:27 where there’s some truth, where there’s actual truth,
    0:17:30 hopefully, but then some people will perceive
    0:17:32 that real truth is not truth.
    0:17:34 It’s like, well, people will perceive it to have bias
    0:17:35 even if it ends up not having bias.
    0:17:38 – No, but I feel like you’re getting into like this world
    0:17:40 where now we’re letting AI decide what is
    0:17:42 and what isn’t like ethical, right?
    0:17:45 Like now we’re letting like AI sort of decide
    0:17:49 what is like philosophically correct and what is not.
    0:17:50 And to me, that seems weird
    0:17:53 to let machines do that for humans, you know?
    0:17:55 – Yeah, and, you know, it’s funny you say that,
    0:17:58 I mentioned the same thing and Dave Shapiro,
    0:18:01 another fellow YouTuber talking about AI said,
    0:18:04 you know, actually, I would rather just completely
    0:18:07 give it over to AI to make ethical decisions.
    0:18:10 I think that’s what he was saying, but it’s interesting.
    0:18:12 I can see both sides of it.
    0:18:15 If there was a system that was completely unbiased,
    0:18:18 assuming, right, yeah, okay, let them decide,
    0:18:20 but how do you make that, as you said?
    0:18:23 – I think you can’t allow AI to make that decision.
    0:18:24 If you allow AI to make that decision,
    0:18:26 I mean, that goes towards like eugenics
    0:18:27 and crazy things like that.
    0:18:30 Like you can’t allow AI to optimize based on
    0:18:33 human performance or some crazy metric like that.
    0:18:35 That would just lead to, you know, horrible things.
    0:18:37 I think I totally disagree with that.
    0:18:39 – Yeah, yeah.
    0:18:42 Let’s shift over to Claude, ’cause Claude 3.7 came out
    0:18:46 a couple of weeks ago and that one has proven to be
    0:18:48 really, really good at code, it seems, right?
    0:18:50 It seems like it didn’t make huge improvements
    0:18:54 in almost any other areas, but it got a lot better at code.
    0:18:56 From what I’ve seen so far, I mean, Matt,
    0:18:58 you might have some different experiences with it.
    0:19:00 I’m using cursor to write code
    0:19:04 and it’s definitely gotten better at coding for me.
    0:19:06 I’ve definitely noticed things that it would run
    0:19:08 into these like loops where it wouldn’t write the code,
    0:19:10 wouldn’t write the code, couldn’t figure out what
    0:19:14 the problem was, 3.7, one prompt was 3.7,
    0:19:16 now it figures out a problem that I had gone back
    0:19:18 and forth 10 times prior.
    0:19:21 So to me, it seems like it got a lot better at code,
    0:19:24 but from most other people’s experiences,
    0:19:26 it seems like it didn’t really improve
    0:19:29 in almost any other areas other than code.
    0:19:30 – Yeah, when I think about coding,
    0:19:31 I think about Claude, right?
    0:19:35 Claude 3.5 was the go-to model for a lot of coders
    0:19:37 using AI assistance to help them code.
    0:19:40 Yeah, cursor plus Claude, WinSurf plus Claude,
    0:19:41 that was the model.
    0:19:43 Now we had this huge upgrade and I agree,
    0:19:44 it is a huge upgrade.
    0:19:46 It also has the thinking capabilities.
    0:19:49 So I’ve been doing stuff, vibe coding, right?
    0:19:51 So I’m using some kind of IDE,
    0:19:55 whether cursor or WinSurf plus I’m using 3.7 thinking
    0:19:57 and it’s fantastic, right?
    0:19:58 It is fantastic.
    0:20:01 Now I’ll bring it back to what I said earlier,
    0:20:03 the real world use cases,
    0:20:05 the stuff that I want to use it for day to day,
    0:20:08 one is coding, but a lot of other things are not coding.
    0:20:11 And here’s the thing, it’s not that fast
    0:20:12 and it doesn’t have web search.
    0:20:14 It has no real time information.
    0:20:19 So it’s essentially unusable for me outside of coding.
    0:20:21 Although it’s fantastic at coding, I’ll give you that.
    0:20:23 – Well, the nice thing is if you are using something
    0:20:26 like cursor, cursor can actually do the web search for you
    0:20:28 and then give that additional context.
    0:20:31 So it’s almost like cursor will actually kind of do
    0:20:33 like the perplexity thing, right?
    0:20:35 Where if it needs to figure something out,
    0:20:37 cursor itself goes and does the search
    0:20:39 and then provides that information to Claude.
    0:20:41 At least when I’ve been using it,
    0:20:44 it seems to actually search the web when using cursor.
    0:20:48 – Yeah, and Claude 3.7 Sonnet is available in perplexity,
    0:20:49 I’ll just mention quickly.
    0:20:51 By the way, perplexity just adds
    0:20:53 the latest models all the time for free.
    0:20:56 And I’ve not been paid by them at all.
    0:20:58 I’m just a huge fan of their product.
    0:21:00 So yeah, so if you wanted to try any of these new models,
    0:21:03 you could go try it if you already have a perplexity account.
    0:21:05 – Yeah, and their deep research is really good.
    0:21:08 If we’re talking about good things about perplexity,
    0:21:10 if we’re praising perplexity,
    0:21:12 they just threw deep research in there as well,
    0:21:13 and it’s really good.
    0:21:15 – But yeah, web search is critical.
    0:21:17 – Yeah, I wanted to say about Claude Sonnet.
    0:21:19 Like my feeling is, you know, before it was released,
    0:21:21 Claude was my go-to for just like general chat
    0:21:23 for like discussing anything, right?
    0:21:25 Like even like my game design document,
    0:21:27 I would share that with Claude and that was my favorite.
    0:21:28 Then Grock replaced that,
    0:21:30 but Claude was pretty good at code.
    0:21:33 Like you said, most engineers were using Claude Sonnet,
    0:21:35 but not all, like I was using O1 Pro
    0:21:37 and actually it was better, but way slower, right?
    0:21:38 And you had to give it tons of context.
    0:21:41 You could use something like repo prompt or something else.
    0:21:42 But it seems like in this update,
    0:21:44 they really doubled down on being the best at coding.
    0:21:46 ‘Cause in terms of like general chat,
    0:21:47 I feel like it actually stepped backwards.
    0:21:49 Like when I use it now to chat with them,
    0:21:51 like it actually got worse in this release like that.
    0:21:53 I don’t like its responses as much.
    0:21:55 They seem less human like, but it’s way better at coding.
    0:21:57 So it feels like we’re starting to see
    0:21:59 that all the AI models are finding their own like specialties
    0:22:02 or at least that’s what Anthropics doing now with Claude.
    0:22:04 And I do kind of wonder if all the models
    0:22:05 are gonna have to do that.
    0:22:06 You know, when I talked to the people at XAI,
    0:22:09 I told them double down on having the best data.
    0:22:11 ‘Cause you got the real-time data with X,
    0:22:13 you got it with, you know, the search, double down on that.
    0:22:15 And I think you’ll probably see that
    0:22:16 where like these different models
    0:22:17 will be the best at a thing.
    0:22:21 But it seems like Chat2P is still trying to go more broad.
    0:22:23 There’s trying to be like the best overall model.
    0:22:26 And I’m kind of curious to see how all that ends up playing out.
    0:22:27 – Yeah.
    0:22:28 – It’s interesting, you know, quickly.
    0:22:31 So I just pulled up the Claude 3.7 Sonnet blog post,
    0:22:32 the announcement blog post.
    0:22:35 And everybody knows Claude is great at coding
    0:22:38 and they made this huge jump in coding.
    0:22:41 But if you read it, it says,
    0:22:42 in developing our reasoning models,
    0:22:44 we’ve optimized somewhat less for math
    0:22:46 and computer science competition problems.
    0:22:50 And instead shifted focus toward real-world tasks
    0:22:52 that better reflect how businesses actually use LLMs.
    0:22:54 You know, now that I’m reading that,
    0:22:57 maybe they met like these kind of benchmarky
    0:23:00 computer science problems versus real-world coding problems.
    0:23:02 But it just sounds like,
    0:23:05 hey, we’re not focused as much on math and coding anymore,
    0:23:07 more real-world stuff.
    0:23:09 But it still is fantastic at that.
    0:23:11 – Yeah.
    0:23:12 – Did you guys see that they’re also,
    0:23:15 it seems to be that they’re gonna be competing with cursor?
    0:23:18 – Oh yeah, ’cause they released that code feature, right?
    0:23:20 – Yeah, Claude code, all the top engineers,
    0:23:21 I know they’ve tried it.
    0:23:23 It’s very expensive to use,
    0:23:24 but my understanding is like in some ways
    0:23:25 it’s better than cursor.
    0:23:27 So like, I’m not sure exactly how it works,
    0:23:28 but I think you use it in the terminal,
    0:23:31 you get full access to your entire code base,
    0:23:33 and then it can just change stuff for you.
    0:23:34 – Yeah, I tried it out.
    0:23:35 It’s pretty cool.
    0:23:35 That is interesting.
    0:23:37 I think they really are doubling down on code.
    0:23:38 – Yeah.
    0:23:39 – I believe when I mentioned the benchmarks stuff,
    0:23:40 I think they were probably talking about
    0:23:42 more real-world coding versus like–
    0:23:43 – I think you’re right.
    0:23:44 – Benchmark coding, you know?
    0:23:46 – Yeah, I think they know that most people
    0:23:48 are using Claude mostly for coding.
    0:23:49 – So it kind of sucks for cursor,
    0:23:51 ’cause like right now everyone uses cursor to use Claude,
    0:23:54 and now it’s roughly basically going to try to kill them.
    0:23:55 – I don’t know.
    0:23:57 I think people will probably still use cursor a lot,
    0:23:59 because cursor and Windsor, if I believe,
    0:24:02 are both forks of Visual Studio code.
    0:24:02 – Yeah, they must be saying like,
    0:24:04 oh, most of our usage is in cursor,
    0:24:07 like why would we not like just be cursor then?
    0:24:08 – Yeah, but I don’t know.
    0:24:11 Like Visual Studio code is like pretty universal.
    0:24:13 Like people use it for coding a lot,
    0:24:15 and it’s what’s familiar to people.
    0:24:18 So I think trying to get people to switch to a new IDE
    0:24:21 might be a tough ask, unless Claude themselves goes
    0:24:24 and makes their own fork of Visual Studio code.
    0:24:25 So like unless Claude goes
    0:24:28 and makes their own fork of Visual Studio code,
    0:24:31 I have a hard time seeing like people switch over
    0:24:34 to like a new IDE that’s like completely different.
    0:24:36 – It’s also not an IDE.
    0:24:38 It’s literally just sitting in the terminal.
    0:24:41 So, you know, some people prefer that.
    0:24:44 I prefer seeing the code more visually
    0:24:46 and have like a nice interface to deal with.
    0:24:49 So I’ve tried both cursor and Windsurf,
    0:24:50 and they’re both great.
    0:24:51 – Yeah, yeah.
    0:24:53 To me, they feel very same-ish.
    0:24:54 Like I have a hard time saying which one’s better.
    0:24:56 They feel very, very similar to me.
    0:24:59 – I’ve had more success with Windsurf
    0:25:03 when trying to iterate on a whole code base.
    0:25:05 Now cursor, I think just released,
    0:25:08 they’re kind of just updated their agent feature,
    0:25:09 which makes it a little bit easier
    0:25:11 to operate on the whole code base.
    0:25:15 And your AI coding assistant agent is able to grok
    0:25:17 and search through the code and do different things.
    0:25:20 That helps it work on the code base as a whole.
    0:25:21 But yeah, you know what?
    0:25:22 Competition’s always good.
    0:25:23 – Yeah, agreed.
    0:25:25 I’m trying to look for some other like really cool examples
    0:25:27 here of stuff that people made with Claude.
    0:25:28 I mean, these are all really cool examples.
    0:25:31 We can spend 30 minutes looking at all these examples.
    0:25:32 So I’m looking for the best ones right now.
    0:25:35 I mean, lots and lots of really cool examples
    0:25:37 of stuff that Claude just did in one shot.
    0:25:38 Lots of snake games.
    0:25:39 Lots and lots of snake games.
    0:25:41 – I made a snake game, yeah.
    0:25:43 Of course I did, and then I had–
    0:25:44 – First thing I did when I tested Claude
    0:25:46 was make a snake game, I still always do.
    0:25:47 – Yeah.
    0:25:49 – But did you guys see the actually good snake game?
    0:25:50 The one where it’s like having a mental breakdown
    0:25:51 as it’s escaping?
    0:25:52 Did you see that?
    0:25:54 – I think you were just showing that, yeah.
    0:25:54 Self-aware, there you go.
    0:25:56 – Oh, this one, yeah, yeah, yeah.
    0:25:58 So the self-aware snake escape?
    0:26:00 – Yeah, so that’s the one, yeah.
    0:26:01 It’s like freaking out.
    0:26:02 (laughing)
    0:26:04 – It just said your brain will struggle with this,
    0:26:07 and then the little text pops up on the screen
    0:26:08 as the snake is moving around.
    0:26:10 – Yeah, it’s like, what’s the snake thinking
    0:26:11 as it’s trying to break out?
    0:26:13 And it starts freaking out that it can’t break out.
    0:26:14 (laughing)
    0:26:16 – It says this was done with one prompt
    0:26:19 plus a request to make special things happen faster.
    0:26:21 So I don’t totally know what that means,
    0:26:25 but that was apparently one-shotted to get that pretty wild.
    0:26:27 Yeah, probably using the agent feature.
    0:26:29 Actually Cursor, they tested the new Claude model,
    0:26:31 and they suggested to use the agent feature.
    0:26:33 And I tested it, it is pretty amazing.
    0:26:35 I tried it on my game and it fixed a problem
    0:26:37 I’d been trying to solve with O1 Pro
    0:26:38 and hadn’t been able to,
    0:26:39 but then it broke like two things.
    0:26:40 So I’m like…
    0:26:41 (laughing)
    0:26:43 And then it was unable to fix the things that it broke.
    0:26:46 So it’s like, there’s still serious limitations with this.
    0:26:47 – Yeah, yeah.
    0:26:52 – Yeah, I’m building a 2D turn-based strategy game right now.
    0:26:54 And I’m a few hours in,
    0:26:56 and now that I’m a few hours in
    0:26:58 and a few thousand lines of code in,
    0:27:00 it’s a little harder, right?
    0:27:03 It takes longer for each iteration to add features.
    0:27:05 There are more bugs popping up
    0:27:07 if it changes one thing over here or something else changes.
    0:27:09 Like I’ll ask it to change something
    0:27:12 and then the entire game will look different
    0:27:13 on the next turn,
    0:27:14 even though I didn’t say anything about that.
    0:27:17 So yeah, of course, there are some limitations.
    0:27:18 We’re gonna get better,
    0:27:20 especially as context windows grow.
    0:27:22 That’s why I actually think maybe Google’s,
    0:27:24 two million token context window models
    0:27:26 are quite appropriate for coding.
    0:27:29 I just, I don’t think anybody uses them for coding.
    0:27:31 I could be wrong about that though.
    0:27:32 – Well, I’ve tried using it
    0:27:35 ’cause you can switch to Google’s models,
    0:27:37 like their Gemini or their Gemma models
    0:27:39 inside of Cursor, I believe.
    0:27:40 And when I tried Google’s models,
    0:27:42 they just didn’t perform as well as Claude.
    0:27:45 So I always find myself going back to Claude.
    0:27:46 I tried 01.
    0:27:48 I haven’t really done a lot of coding with 01 Pro
    0:27:49 because there’s no API, so…
    0:27:51 – 01 Pro is the best in that situation right now.
    0:27:52 Like, if you have a lot of context,
    0:27:54 like my game project,
    0:27:56 even if I remove a lot of other files
    0:27:57 and just get to the basic scripts,
    0:27:59 it’s like 100K of context.
    0:28:00 – Yeah, but they don’t have an API yet.
    0:28:02 So you can’t just use it straight in Cursor.
    0:28:04 You have to use something like,
    0:28:05 what’s it called, Repo Prompt?
    0:28:07 – Repo Prompt, and there’s a few other things too
    0:28:09 where you can combine your files into a file
    0:28:10 that you just copy and pasted.
    0:28:12 – Yeah, but I mean, I’ve got a PC,
    0:28:13 Repo Prompt’s only on Mac,
    0:28:15 so I can’t even use Repo Prompt if I wanted to.
    0:28:18 But I mean, I could, I have a Mac, I just never use it.
    0:28:21 So like, I can’t even use something like Repo Prompt for 01.
    0:28:23 The other really good thing about the Google models
    0:28:24 is like, I think they’re pretty much
    0:28:26 the most inexpensive models.
    0:28:27 So if you’re looking for like as cheap
    0:28:29 as you can get, Google’s probably there.
    0:28:31 I mean, Lama might even be a little bit cheaper,
    0:28:34 but Google’s pretty damn cheap.
    0:28:36 – Yeah, the people that I really trust,
    0:28:38 their opinions on AI stuff,
    0:28:40 they are telling me I’m missing out
    0:28:42 by not using the Gemini models.
    0:28:44 So there’s something there.
    0:28:47 I just, you know, there’s only so much time in the day.
    0:28:48 I haven’t really had a chance
    0:28:50 to extensively test the Gemini models,
    0:28:53 but I really should and I really need to get in there.
    0:28:55 – I’m gonna give you guys a sneak peek real quick here
    0:28:57 of what I’ve been building.
    0:29:00 I’m building my video producer app.
    0:29:02 Basically what I do is I load
    0:29:04 all of these like various like interviews in here.
    0:29:05 I’ve made these folders.
    0:29:08 So like you’ve got like this interviews folder here
    0:29:10 with just like tons of interviews.
    0:29:13 Like here’s Rowan who’s interviewed Mark Zuckerberg
    0:29:16 and Logan and Mustafa Solomon and Demis Hassabis.
    0:29:19 I’ve basically scraped a whole bunch of like interviews
    0:29:23 and panels and launch videos and keynotes
    0:29:24 and, you know, Lex Friedman interviews
    0:29:26 and all sorts of like interviews
    0:29:29 with various like AI leaders and stuff, right?
    0:29:31 And inside of each one of these,
    0:29:33 I actually use OpenAI’s Whisperer
    0:29:35 and it transcribes the whole thing for me.
    0:29:37 So I have like the entire transcription,
    0:29:39 but then I also have like videos
    0:29:41 that don’t have any audio in them.
    0:29:43 Like I’ve got like some B roll footage and stock footage.
    0:29:46 Like here’s stock footage of like a robot.
    0:29:48 And for this one, I actually use Google Gemini
    0:29:50 and Gemini watches the whole video for me
    0:29:52 and writes up a description of everything
    0:29:53 that’s going on in the video.
    0:29:57 And the idea being I just have this giant database
    0:29:59 of videos where I throw the video in
    0:30:02 and then I can search out anything I want.
    0:30:04 So anytime like Sam Altman is mentioned in a video,
    0:30:06 I can search out Sam Altman.
    0:30:07 It’ll pull up all of the videos
    0:30:09 that either have Sam Altman in them
    0:30:10 or they mentioned Sam Altman.
    0:30:13 And then I could quickly find exactly in the transcript
    0:30:14 where he’s talked about.
    0:30:15 – You’re building this yourself?
    0:30:18 – All with cursor and Claude 3.7.
    0:30:20 Dude, I would totally use this.
    0:30:23 I’m using Notion for the almost same thing.
    0:30:25 I’m basically just anytime I find a clip
    0:30:26 that I would find useful in the future,
    0:30:27 I’ll throw it in there.
    0:30:29 And I just have to remember where it is
    0:30:30 and what the context was.
    0:30:32 This is super useful, man.
    0:30:33 I would pay to use this.
    0:30:35 – Yeah. So I’ve got like B roll that I shot.
    0:30:37 This is actually B roll that you’re probably
    0:30:39 in the background of if you look closely enough
    0:30:41 ’cause this is at the NVIDIA event here,
    0:30:43 the, you know, the little digits box.
    0:30:44 I threw this video in here
    0:30:46 and you can see it wrote this description.
    0:30:47 This short video showcases
    0:30:49 the NVIDIA project digits prototype
    0:30:50 to compact computing device.
    0:30:53 The video primarily focuses on the physical device itself.
    0:30:55 So it goes into all of this detail
    0:30:59 from a 31 second video of like me getting B roll digits.
    0:31:00 So now if I ever, I’m like,
    0:31:03 “Oh, what was that video I made that had digit in?”
    0:31:04 And I need to pull that up really quick.
    0:31:05 I could just search up digits, right?
    0:31:08 And it’ll pull up this video as the top video.
    0:31:11 So this is like sort of phase one of what I’m building here.
    0:31:14 Phase two is I want to toss all of this
    0:31:17 into like a rag like retrieval augmented generation model
    0:31:20 where I can say, “Hey, I want to make a video
    0:31:21 about Sam Altman.
    0:31:23 Compile everything we know about Sam Altman
    0:31:25 from all of these videos
    0:31:27 and have it actually write like an outline for me
    0:31:29 based on all the information that’s in these videos.”
    0:31:30 – That’s so cool.
    0:31:32 – So that’s what I’ve been building.
    0:31:34 And this again, I’ve been working on for about two weeks now
    0:31:37 and it uses like seven different APIs.
    0:31:40 It’s using like the OpenAI whisper API.
    0:31:42 It’s using the Gemini API
    0:31:44 ’cause that can actually watch videos
    0:31:46 and tell you what’s going on in the video.
    0:31:49 It’s using Google’s cloud intelligence API
    0:31:52 that’s actually able to like OCR any text in the video.
    0:31:54 So if you’re watching like a slide presentation,
    0:31:56 it can actually OCR any of the text
    0:31:58 that’s in the slide presentation.
    0:32:01 But yeah, it’s been a fun project to build.
    0:32:03 But I run into the same kinds of stuff that Matthew,
    0:32:05 you mentioned where I will go and ask it
    0:32:07 to change like one feature.
    0:32:09 I’ll be like, “Hey, the search isn’t working quite right.”
    0:32:10 And it’ll be like, “Okay, I just fixed it.
    0:32:11 I refreshed the page.”
    0:32:13 And it changes the entire styling.
    0:32:15 And I’m like, I didn’t ask you to touch the CSS at all.
    0:32:17 I just wanted to change how the search functions.
    0:32:19 Like what the hell?
    0:32:21 But other than those little things,
    0:32:22 I use GitHub a lot too.
    0:32:25 It’s like every time a little change works,
    0:32:27 I push it to GitHub so I know I can bring it back
    0:32:28 if I need to.
    0:32:29 – Oh, that’s smart, yeah.
    0:32:31 – But yeah, it’s been fun.
    0:32:35 And I’ve made less YouTube videos that I normally make.
    0:32:37 I’ve only been putting out one YouTube video a week
    0:32:38 for the past like month
    0:32:40 because I’ve gotten so addicted
    0:32:42 to playing around with AI coding.
    0:32:43 It’s so fun.
    0:32:44 Like I’m working on the game now.
    0:32:46 I’m just like shocked that I can like build a game by myself.
    0:32:48 It’s like, you know, in the past,
    0:32:50 I never could imagine like one person could build a game
    0:32:52 or now you’re building your own software product.
    0:32:55 And Matt, you’re kind of like a no-code guy, right?
    0:32:59 Now you’re using, you went from no-code to using AI to code
    0:33:00 and you’re actually able to build a whole product.
    0:33:02 I mean, it’s just, everything’s changing.
    0:33:03 – Yeah.
    0:33:05 And I mean, the thing is I’m learning as I go too, right?
    0:33:07 ‘Cause like when you use these models,
    0:33:10 it’ll explain to you what it did, what it changed.
    0:33:12 You know, why something broke.
    0:33:14 3.7 has been really, really good at that.
    0:33:16 I don’t know if it’s 3.7
    0:33:18 or if it’s like the agent feature inside of cursor.
    0:33:21 But when it fixes stuff, it’ll explain the problem.
    0:33:23 It’ll say you were running into this problem
    0:33:24 because this, this and this was happening
    0:33:26 or there was a conflict with this and this
    0:33:29 or you know, it was sending the wrong information
    0:33:30 through the API or whatever, right?
    0:33:32 It gives you that information.
    0:33:34 So although I don’t actually know
    0:33:36 how to like type out the code myself,
    0:33:39 I’m getting a lot better at troubleshooting
    0:33:42 why problems are happening within the code.
    0:33:45 I don’t know how to like actually change the code.
    0:33:48 Like I don’t know what to write to make it work myself,
    0:33:50 but I’m starting to pick up on like,
    0:33:52 oh, I think this might conflict with this
    0:33:54 as a result of learning
    0:33:56 as it explains to me all of these problems.
    0:33:59 So anyway, that’s what I’ve been working on.
    0:34:01 But there is one last topic I do wanna shift in.
    0:34:02 – Let’s talk about it.
    0:34:04 – I wanna shift over to GPT 4.5
    0:34:08 because as of today’s recording, GPT 4.5 came out.
    0:34:10 Before we hit record, I asked Matt,
    0:34:11 I’m like, what were your thoughts on that launch today?
    0:34:13 And he’s like, I’ll save it for the recording.
    0:34:15 I was like, all right, let’s save it for the recording.
    0:34:16 So let’s start there.
    0:34:20 What are your thoughts on the GPT 4.5 launch?
    0:34:21 – So I think it looks cool.
    0:34:24 I haven’t obviously tested it extensively.
    0:34:25 It came out just a handful of hours ago,
    0:34:28 not even since recording.
    0:34:30 So Nathan, you mentioned it’s really good at writing.
    0:34:32 So I’m excited to test that out.
    0:34:34 But let me just talk about a couple of things
    0:34:37 that I noticed from the live stream.
    0:34:40 So one, it’s the largest model that they’ve ever made.
    0:34:44 And it took new innovations on both the pre-training
    0:34:47 as well as the serving of it, the inference,
    0:34:48 to actually be able to serve this model.
    0:34:51 And if you use it, it is pretty slow, right?
    0:34:53 So I found that pretty interesting.
    0:34:55 It’s a world knowledge model,
    0:34:58 meaning it is not a thinking model,
    0:35:00 but in terms of just questions and answers
    0:35:02 that you would use kind of day to day,
    0:35:03 it’s really good at that.
    0:35:05 And it’s much better than GPT 4.0.
    0:35:07 And then the last thing,
    0:35:08 and I think this flew under the radar a bit,
    0:35:10 and I wanna get your guys’ thoughts on this.
    0:35:13 They said that it was such a massive model
    0:35:17 that they actually trained it across multiple data centers,
    0:35:19 not in a singular location.
    0:35:21 So when you think of the GROC model,
    0:35:24 it’s the Colossus data center, 100,000,
    0:35:27 something like 200,000 GPUs in a single place.
    0:35:28 They didn’t have that.
    0:35:29 They being open AI, they don’t have that.
    0:35:32 And so they had to split it up.
    0:35:35 And I don’t think any other company has done
    0:35:38 parallel training across multiple data centers
    0:35:40 at this level before.
    0:35:42 I think that it really flew under the radar
    0:35:44 and unlocks the ability for companies
    0:35:49 that don’t have the money or resources that an XAI does
    0:35:51 to go out and spread their model out
    0:35:53 and still get a massive model trained.
    0:35:55 And I thought that was just fascinating.
    0:35:57 – Yeah, I didn’t catch that.
    0:35:58 I mean, it’s not something that I picked up on
    0:36:00 until you just mentioned it.
    0:36:02 So I mean, that is really interesting.
    0:36:05 So you’re saying that like, basically,
    0:36:07 there was separate physical locations
    0:36:09 where the training was happening simultaneously
    0:36:11 in separate locations.
    0:36:15 – Yeah, ’cause they probably literally could not get
    0:36:19 a large enough data center to train this one model
    0:36:23 in a concentrated location like Colossus with GROC3.
    0:36:26 So they had to split it up and do it in parallel.
    0:36:28 And again, that really hadn’t been done before
    0:36:30 at this level.
    0:36:31 – Yeah, well, I mean,
    0:36:33 we’ve got Project Stargate coming as well.
    0:36:34 That’s gonna be the data center
    0:36:36 where eventually they’ll be able to do it all
    0:36:38 from one data center, I believe.
    0:36:40 But yeah, no, that’s really, really interesting.
    0:36:43 I personally found the actual presentation
    0:36:45 a little bit underwhelming.
    0:36:48 They didn’t really show off any sort of capabilities
    0:36:51 that were like, oh, we’ve never seen that before.
    0:36:53 – Considering this was like hyped up for like a year
    0:36:55 of like, oh, Orion’s coming.
    0:36:57 – Well, and then also Sam Altman,
    0:36:59 he posted on Twitter a couple of days ago
    0:37:02 that a lot of people who have used GPT 4.5
    0:37:05 have gotten that feel the AGI moment from it, right?
    0:37:08 But anybody really feel an AGI moment from their demo.
    0:37:10 I don’t know, I’m reading into it a little too much.
    0:37:13 But the other thing I realized too is like,
    0:37:15 you can always tell when OpenAI doesn’t see it
    0:37:16 as that big of an announcement,
    0:37:18 when Sam doesn’t show up for the announcement.
    0:37:19 – Right.
    0:37:22 You know, I think there’s more there than people realize.
    0:37:25 And so many people accuse me of being overly optimistic.
    0:37:28 So bear with me, or at least take what I’m gonna say
    0:37:29 with a grain of salt.
    0:37:30 I really do think that there’s more there.
    0:37:34 First of all, this is the first version, right?
    0:37:35 And we’re gonna get lots of different upgrades over time.
    0:37:37 We’re gonna get a turbo version.
    0:37:40 But I think in terms of just a baseline model,
    0:37:42 it’s a lot better at the kind of general Q and A.
    0:37:45 And so from that, when you have all of that world knowledge
    0:37:47 baked into this model,
    0:37:49 how do you think the thinking versions,
    0:37:52 the O1s, the O3s, how do you think those are the created?
    0:37:54 It’s taking that foundation model,
    0:37:56 using reinforcement learning,
    0:37:59 and then kind of eliciting that thinking behavior from it.
    0:38:02 So now we’re gonna have this incredible foundation model
    0:38:05 to build the thinking models on top of.
    0:38:07 Maybe that’s what O3 Pro is.
    0:38:09 – And it’ll be crazy expensive.
    0:38:11 – Oh, that’s another thing is the cost, yeah.
    0:38:11 – You combine those two.
    0:38:13 It’s like, okay, this model is already very expensive
    0:38:15 before you do the thinking.
    0:38:17 And so when you do, it’s like, it makes me wonder,
    0:38:20 is that gonna lead to like the $2,000 a month plan
    0:38:22 or something like this?
    0:38:23 You know, there’s also another angle to think of it,
    0:38:26 which is, it’s all about the vibes, right?
    0:38:28 That was like a huge theme of the announcement of the vibes.
    0:38:30 It’s a warm model.
    0:38:32 It’s a high EQ model.
    0:38:33 – They were trying to compete with Claude.
    0:38:34 – Right, and so–
    0:38:35 – You know, ’cause before Claude, everyone said like,
    0:38:38 Claude had a better vibe than chat to BT, you know?
    0:38:40 – Right, and so like, if you think about it
    0:38:42 from that perspective,
    0:38:44 they’re really positioning this model
    0:38:48 to be a true kind of AI personal assistant.
    0:38:50 And I emphasize the word personal.
    0:38:53 It is there to help you.
    0:38:55 It is there to know you.
    0:38:58 And I think this is really more interesting
    0:39:00 than people are giving it credit for.
    0:39:03 Because when you think about systems like Siri,
    0:39:04 what it could be,
    0:39:08 it’s probably based on something like this type of model.
    0:39:10 – Yeah.
    0:39:11 – One thing I just wanted to point out too
    0:39:13 is I don’t know if you guys caught this tweet,
    0:39:16 but he basically said that the new model
    0:39:18 is a giant expensive model,
    0:39:19 and they really wanted to launch it,
    0:39:21 but they ran out of GPUs, right?
    0:39:24 And this kind of comes back to Matthew’s point earlier
    0:39:26 of how they had to like train it, you know,
    0:39:30 in separate locations with this parallel processing.
    0:39:33 They’re literally like reaching the end
    0:39:36 of the available GPUs to be able to process this stuff.
    0:39:38 And I just found that really, really interesting.
    0:39:39 So I wanted to share that real quick.
    0:39:41 – Open AI is GPU poor.
    0:39:45 – Yeah, I mean, they’ve got SoftBank now behind them.
    0:39:47 – Who would have thought?
    0:39:48 – I want to share two things that kind of show
    0:39:50 that there is something special here.
    0:39:52 So here’s something I saw that’s pretty interesting
    0:39:55 from a professor or he’s a biomedical scientist.
    0:39:56 He said, “It appears to be remarkable
    0:39:57 in medical imaging diagnosis.
    0:40:00 It was the only model that perfectly diagnosed
    0:40:01 this ultrasound image.”
    0:40:03 So like in terms of like looking at ultrasound,
    0:40:06 apparently it’s by far the best model out there.
    0:40:08 So there probably are things that we’re going to find
    0:40:09 about this model that are special
    0:40:12 that when you first use it are not apparent.
    0:40:13 – Yeah, good point.
    0:40:13 No, I agree.
    0:40:15 I’m sure it’s a lot better model
    0:40:18 than I feel like their presentation led on to be.
    0:40:20 Part of the problem was like,
    0:40:22 we all watched the live stream, I’m sure.
    0:40:25 They seemed like they were kind of nervous.
    0:40:26 They were kind of uncomfortable.
    0:40:29 Sam wasn’t on the live stream this time.
    0:40:31 I just don’t think it was presented very well, honestly.
    0:40:32 I think that was probably the problem.
    0:40:34 – Yeah, here’s another thing I saw
    0:40:35 that was super interesting.
    0:40:37 Like the hallucination rate is like way lower
    0:40:38 with like 4.5.
    0:40:42 So it’s like 37.1% hallucination rate
    0:40:45 versus 4.0 being 61%, you know,
    0:40:47 0.3 mini being 80.3%.
    0:40:48 It’s like dramatically lower.
    0:40:50 So that’s a, yeah, that’s step forward.
    0:40:51 ‘Cause like obviously for big companies,
    0:40:53 one of the big problems with using AI models
    0:40:55 is hallucinations, right?
    0:40:56 So yeah.
    0:40:56 – Yeah, absolutely.
    0:40:57 That’s crazy.
    0:41:01 0.3 mini on simple QA has an 80% hallucination rate.
    0:41:03 That seems insane to me.
    0:41:04 – Seems right.
    0:41:05 ‘Cause like 0.3 mini is like really fast,
    0:41:07 but I’ve seen it make lots of weird mistakes.
    0:41:09 Like when I tried to use it for coding and stuff,
    0:41:10 it’s like, oh, you’re a genius.
    0:41:12 And the next I’m like, oh, you’re a total moron.
    0:41:15 It’s just like, it’s responses are like all over the place.
    0:41:16 – I don’t quite understand that benchmark.
    0:41:19 I feel like an 80% hallucination rate
    0:41:21 just makes, would make something unusable.
    0:41:23 I mean, if you’re only getting accurate information
    0:41:25 20% of the time, I don’t know.
    0:41:28 I don’t totally understand how this one is come to, I guess.
    0:41:29 – I think we would have to see what the actual questions
    0:41:33 are in the simple QA benchmark to understand the context
    0:41:34 of why it’s scored so poorly.
    0:41:36 But then, but then just, you know,
    0:41:40 I guess maybe remember it’s mostly for math, science,
    0:41:42 like basically STEM, right?
    0:41:44 Things that have verifiable answers.
    0:41:45 – Absolutely.
    0:41:46 – I think it’s cool.
    0:41:47 I think it’s a good start.
    0:41:49 – Yeah, no, I’m excited about it.
    0:41:51 I mean, like, hey, for content creators like us,
    0:41:53 all this news is amazing, right?
    0:41:54 ‘Cause we get to talk about it.
    0:41:56 We get to, you know, keep on sharing what’s coming out.
    0:41:59 We get to play with it all and get access to it
    0:42:01 and show what it’s capable of
    0:42:03 and put it through its motions and stress test it.
    0:42:06 And I think, you know, I could speak for myself.
    0:42:07 I think I could speak for Matthew.
    0:42:08 That’s what we love doing, right?
    0:42:10 Like we love playing with the stuff and stress testing it
    0:42:12 and figuring out what it really can do.
    0:42:15 And that’s what’s most exciting to me, I think.
    0:42:19 You know, GPT-5 is probably only six, eight weeks away.
    0:42:22 I mean, it’s not that far off, apparently.
    0:42:24 So this is just the beginning.
    0:42:27 It’s been a crazy couple of weeks.
    0:42:28 – Absolutely.
    0:42:28 – So who won?
    0:42:29 Who won the last week?
    0:42:30 – I don’t know.
    0:42:33 I mean, they all have different pros and cons, I guess.
    0:42:34 Right?
    0:42:35 – I was most surprised by Grock.
    0:42:36 Right, like out of all the three,
    0:42:39 like I feel slightly disappointed by 4.5.
    0:42:40 I would say it would be my general feeling.
    0:42:42 Not like majorly disappointed,
    0:42:43 but like Orion’s not as big of a deal
    0:42:45 as I was hoping it was going to be.
    0:42:45 – Yeah.
    0:42:47 – Grock really impressed me.
    0:42:50 Anthropic Clawd, you know, 3.7, amazing.
    0:42:52 Kind of what I expected in terms of improvement.
    0:42:54 So I would say Grock’s the biggest surprise
    0:42:55 out of all the three.
    0:42:56 – Yeah.
    0:42:57 – I mean, personally, I’ve gotten the most use
    0:43:01 out of Clawd 3.7 because I’ve been really, really going
    0:43:03 down the coding rabbit hole lately,
    0:43:05 but that’s just a very like anecdotal thing for me, right?
    0:43:08 Like that’s the use case that I’ve found the most valuable
    0:43:10 in the moment is I’m doing a lot of coding
    0:43:12 and 3.7 is great for that for me right now
    0:43:14 in this moment in time.
    0:43:18 – Yeah, with the caveat that I haven’t tested GPT 4.5 much,
    0:43:20 I gotta give the crown to Grock 3
    0:43:23 over this last wave, these last couple of weeks.
    0:43:25 It went from I never used Grock 2
    0:43:28 to now it is my go-to model for a lot
    0:43:30 of use cases on my day-to-day tasks.
    0:43:32 So definitely have to give it to Grock 3 there.
    0:43:33 – Yeah.
    0:43:35 Now we just need that damn API.
    0:43:36 – Yes, yeah.
    0:43:37 Then we’ll really–
    0:43:38 – It’ll be interesting to benchmark it
    0:43:39 when the API comes out, right?
    0:43:41 Like see how it actually compares
    0:43:42 to all these other models.
    0:43:43 – Yeah, yeah.
    0:43:44 Well, cool, Matthew.
    0:43:45 This has been amazing.
    0:43:47 You know, anybody listening, make sure you check out
    0:43:50 Matthew’s YouTube channel over at MatthewBurman.
    0:43:51 You’ve got an amazing newsletter.
    0:43:52 I’m subscribed to it.
    0:43:54 It’s the forward future newsletter, I believe.
    0:43:55 – Forward future.
    0:43:57 – Everybody needs to go check those out anywhere else.
    0:44:00 You want people to go check you out and follow you online?
    0:44:04 – Yeah, come check me out on Twitter @MatthewBurman.
    0:44:07 Come flame me for my opinions on politics,
    0:44:08 even though I don’t share them.
    0:44:08 – All right, you’re asking for it?
    0:44:09 – Yeah, yeah.
    0:44:10 – Well, you called it Twitter.
    0:44:11 That’s like, you’re kind of like your DM.
    0:44:12 – All right, you’re right.
    0:44:13 I already offended one side.
    0:44:15 – So like, look, I’m on your side, guys.
    0:44:16 – Well, cool.
    0:44:17 This has been super, super fun.
    0:44:19 – Thank you for having me, guys.
    0:44:19 Thank you.
    0:44:20 – Great having you back.
    0:44:23 I’m sure you’ll be back on if you want to be.
    0:44:24 We’d love to have you again.
    0:44:26 It’s always fun to chat with you
    0:44:29 and really appreciate you spending the time with us today.
    0:44:30 – Yeah, thank you, guys.
    0:44:33 (upbeat music)
    0:44:35 (upbeat music)
    0:44:38 (upbeat music)
    0:44:40 (upbeat music)
    0:44:43 (upbeat music)
    0:44:46 (upbeat music)

    Episode 48: How do the latest updates to large language models stack up against each other? Matt Wolfe (https://x.com/mreflow) and Nathan Lands (https://x.com/NathanLands) are joined by Matthew Berman (https://x.com/MatthewBerman), an expert in deep-diving and testing the nuances of large language models.

    In this episode, the trio discusses the recent releases of Grok 3, Claude 3.7, and GPT-4.5, analyzing their strengths, weaknesses, and unique features. Tune in to learn which model might be best for your needs, from coding and real-time information to creative writing and unbiased truth-seeking.

    Check out The Next Wave YouTube Channel if you want to see Matt and Nathan on screen: https://lnk.to/thenextwavepd

    Show Notes:

    • (00:00) Exploring New AI Models
    • (05:35) Inconsistent AI Code Performance
    • (06:26) Redesigning Benchmarks for Modern Models
    • (11:33) AI Bias Amplification on Social Media
    • (15:11) AI Bias and Human Oversight
    • (17:49) Claude 3.7: Improved Coding Abilities
    • (20:30) Claude Update: Better Code, Worse Chat
    • (23:19) Resistance to Switching IDE from VS Code
    • (28:05) Video Producer App Preview
    • (29:55) Showcasing Nvidia Digits Prototype
    • (34:00) GROK Model’s Distributed Training
    • (36:31) Optimistic Perspective on Future Upgrades
    • (40:59) Excited for GPT-5 Launch
    • (42:08) Claude 3.7 Excels in Coding

    Mentions:

    Get the guide to build your own Custom GPT: https://clickhubspot.com/tnw

    Check Out Matt’s Stuff:

    • Future Tools – https://futuretools.beehiiv.com/

    • Blog – https://www.mattwolfe.com/

    • YouTube- https://www.youtube.com/@mreflow

    Check Out Nathan’s Stuff:

    The Next Wave is a HubSpot Original Podcast // Brought to you by The HubSpot Podcast Network // Production by Darren Clarke // Editing by Ezra Bakker Trupiano

  • We invited 3 sweaty startup founders to ask us anything

    AI transcript
    0:00:01 All right, today we’re trying something new.
    0:00:03 We have three high school students, ninth graders,
    0:00:05 10th graders, 11th graders, that all are running
    0:00:07 their own business while they’re in school.
    0:00:09 And not just like, oh, here’s my idea.
    0:00:10 These guys have real revenue,
    0:00:12 tens of thousands of dollars in profit
    0:00:15 that they’re making as, you know, 14 year olds.
    0:00:16 It’s crazy.
    0:00:17 And so we invited them in.
    0:00:18 We’re doing office hours with them.
    0:00:20 So they bring us their biggest problem
    0:00:22 and we try to help them solve it in like 10 minutes.
    0:00:24 And whether you’re a high school or college student
    0:00:25 or you’re just running your own business,
    0:00:26 I think there’s gonna be something in this for everybody
    0:00:29 because there’s a beauty in these kids
    0:00:31 who they’re like, ah, I just don’t know anything
    0:00:32 but they’re crushing it.
    0:00:32 – Yeah.
    0:00:34 There’s a lot of people who listen to this podcast
    0:00:37 that wanna start something and they overthink it.
    0:00:39 And there’s a beauty to being ignorant
    0:00:41 and these kids are ignorant.
    0:00:43 And because of that, they create amazing stuff.
    0:00:46 And I think that you should steal that attitude.
    0:00:48 ♪ I feel like I can rule the world ♪
    0:00:51 ♪ I know I could be what I want to ♪
    0:00:53 ♪ I put my all in it like no days off ♪
    0:00:56 ♪ On the road, let’s travel never looking back ♪
    0:00:57 – All right, we’re doing something fun today.
    0:01:01 We have high school students who have existing businesses.
    0:01:01 They’re running businesses.
    0:01:03 They’re making a lot of revenue.
    0:01:06 They’re making money and they’re here for office hours.
    0:01:10 And this is all part of our buddy Anand who’s here with us.
    0:01:13 He’s running this new thing called the formidable fellows.
    0:01:15 And I think Anand, this is like a precursor.
    0:01:16 You wanna launch a school someday,
    0:01:18 a new school for entrepreneurship.
    0:01:20 And this is kinda your MVP, is that right?
    0:01:21 You started giving out grants
    0:01:23 to middle and high school students.
    0:01:25 – Yeah, so we’re building a national network
    0:01:26 of schools of entrepreneurship.
    0:01:28 It takes a while to build physical schools.
    0:01:31 So my friend Raj and I started something
    0:01:33 called the formidable fellowship.
    0:01:36 And yeah, we kinda, I think like Gen Z
    0:01:39 is probably gonna be the most entrepreneurial generation.
    0:01:42 And we saw a lot of them out there.
    0:01:46 And so we started a nonprofit with 500K.
    0:01:48 We’re giving $1,000 grants
    0:01:50 to middle and high school entrepreneurs.
    0:01:53 And so kind of I just had our first class.
    0:01:55 I had 23 grantees.
    0:01:58 You’ll meet three of the great ones today.
    0:02:01 And yeah, kind of along the way,
    0:02:03 other awesome entrepreneurs,
    0:02:05 they’re Mesh from HubSpot,
    0:02:07 Sean Griffey from IndustryDive.
    0:02:09 A bunch of other folks have been contributors.
    0:02:12 So now we’ve got even more capital
    0:02:14 to give out to these young entrepreneurs.
    0:02:16 – This is like your second mountain.
    0:02:18 So basically you started a company called CB Insights
    0:02:21 that is in the range of $100 million in revenue
    0:02:22 or something like that.
    0:02:24 Now, is this like your,
    0:02:26 this is what you do after you’ve made a bunch of money
    0:02:28 and you wanna impact the world positively
    0:02:32 besides creating, you know, business intelligence tools?
    0:02:34 – Yeah, it’s the second mountain.
    0:02:36 I think that’s a good way of putting it, right?
    0:02:38 I think like if you could build a system
    0:02:40 that increases human potential,
    0:02:43 like that’s a pretty tremendous thing to do.
    0:02:46 And I think we can do it in a way that will make money
    0:02:48 and eventually rival the public school system.
    0:02:49 That’s our goal.
    0:02:52 – All right, well, 500K,
    0:02:53 and how did you find these kids?
    0:02:55 So they reached out, you reached out to them.
    0:02:57 How’d you find all these founders?
    0:03:00 – Yeah, we reached out to
    0:03:03 a lot of entrepreneurship teachers at schools.
    0:03:05 And that was, I think primarily the way,
    0:03:07 a little bit of social media,
    0:03:09 some parents who found us on Twitter and LinkedIn.
    0:03:11 But yeah, I think a lot of them just, you know,
    0:03:12 word of mouth.
    0:03:14 And so yeah, we got a few hundred applicants
    0:03:15 to first go around, you know,
    0:03:18 qualifications where you had to have revenue.
    0:03:20 So that was kind of a hard filter we had.
    0:03:22 There’s a lot of folks who have sort of a dream
    0:03:23 where they’re starting something
    0:03:25 to burnish a college application.
    0:03:26 And we didn’t want that.
    0:03:29 We wanted people who were actually building.
    0:03:32 And so, yeah, we narrowed it down pretty quickly
    0:03:32 and found some-
    0:03:33 – Sam, did you have any revenue
    0:03:34 in middle school or high school?
    0:03:37 I barely had facial hair.
    0:03:38 – Yeah, it’s pretty insane.
    0:03:41 Like when I was a kid in grade school,
    0:03:43 it was like make a business plan
    0:03:46 and like fake present it to a board of directors.
    0:03:47 And you think that like, like, you know what I mean?
    0:03:49 Like dear board of directors.
    0:03:50 And it was nonsense.
    0:03:51 And I’m seeing their bios.
    0:03:55 This is so much more interesting than what we were doing.
    0:03:56 What were you, I mean, at 14,
    0:03:58 I don’t even think I knew
    0:04:00 what that word entrepreneur meant.
    0:04:01 – Yeah, definitely didn’t.
    0:04:03 My business plan was like mac and cheese,
    0:04:04 but with double the cheese.
    0:04:06 That was the whole thing.
    0:04:12 – Do you guys remember when marketing was fun?
    0:04:14 When you had time to be creative
    0:04:16 and connect with your customers?
    0:04:18 With HubSpot, marketing can be fun again.
    0:04:22 Turn one piece of content into everything you need.
    0:04:24 Know which prospects are ready to buy
    0:04:26 and see all your campaign results in one place.
    0:04:29 Plus it’s easy to use helping HubSpot customers
    0:04:31 double their leads in just 12 months,
    0:04:34 which means you have more time to, you know,
    0:04:35 enjoy marketing again.
    0:04:39 Visit HubSpot.com to get started for free.
    0:04:42 – All right, so we’re gonna do this.
    0:04:44 We’re gonna see what we got.
    0:04:46 They’re calling in literally from school, by the way,
    0:04:47 which is hilarious.
    0:04:49 Someone came on and they’re lunch,
    0:04:52 they’ll bell for like recess came on or something.
    0:04:53 That was amazing.
    0:04:54 All right, so let’s try this out.
    0:04:56 Let’s go, Lincoln.
    0:04:57 – All right, my name is Lincoln Snyder.
    0:04:59 I’m a senior at Lake Dallas High School.
    0:05:01 My business is Sunshine Exteriors.
    0:05:04 So we clean windows, gutters, power wash,
    0:05:06 fence staining and holiday lighting.
    0:05:09 We’re located in Denton, Texas.
    0:05:10 The main goal is to help the homeowners
    0:05:11 protect their investment.
    0:05:14 Obviously I have a clean home year round.
    0:05:16 My business is two years old.
    0:05:18 Last year we did $60,000 in revenue
    0:05:21 at about just above 50% margin.
    0:05:23 – Hold on, pause real quick.
    0:05:24 Sam, you know why he’s good?
    0:05:25 Did you hear what he did there?
    0:05:27 That was some sophisticated,
    0:05:30 high level stuff he just did, where he goes.
    0:05:32 He’s talking about cleaning gutters.
    0:05:35 And he goes, we help homeowners protect their investment.
    0:05:38 He didn’t say we clean your gutters.
    0:05:40 What’s the biggest investment in your life, your home?
    0:05:41 Wouldn’t you want to protect it?
    0:05:43 Wow, Lincoln, I’m already impressed.
    0:05:44 Continue.
    0:05:46 – Yeah, so last year we did $60,000
    0:05:48 at just above 50% margins.
    0:05:53 This year I plan to grow about 150% to $150,000.
    0:05:56 – So you made $30,000 as a junior in high school.
    0:05:57 Is that about right?
    0:05:58 – I was a senior.
    0:06:00 It was this year.
    0:06:01 – This year, okay.
    0:06:03 – Well, well, but yeah.
    0:06:05 – School year, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
    0:06:07 Wow, all right, that’s wild.
    0:06:09 – Just to recap, you go to homeowners,
    0:06:11 you’ll power wash, you’ll clean their gutters,
    0:06:12 you’ll clean the windows,
    0:06:13 you’ll put up Christmas lights,
    0:06:15 whatever you got to do, home services,
    0:06:18 and you did $60,000 last year as a high school senior,
    0:06:20 and you think you’re going to do $150,000 this year.
    0:06:21 That’s the summary. – Correct.
    0:06:23 – Correct. – All right.
    0:06:24 – Yes.
    0:06:27 And then, so it’s me and I have two 1099 subcontractor
    0:06:30 employees, so right now I’m completely off the field,
    0:06:32 so that means that they’re doing all the jobs
    0:06:34 and I’m the one in charge of booking, scheduling,
    0:06:36 finding the clients.
    0:06:37 – And how do you do that, Lincoln?
    0:06:39 How do you get customers?
    0:06:43 – So, primary acquisition source right now is Nextdoor.
    0:06:46 It’s a neighbor platform with surrounding communities.
    0:06:49 – Hey, look, we complain about stuff all the time
    0:06:51 on Nextdoor, you don’t need to explain.
    0:06:55 – Yeah, so yeah, I kind of go on there.
    0:06:58 My angle is I’m a local high school student.
    0:06:59 I own a window cleaning, brush washing.
    0:07:01 We do those services.
    0:07:03 If you’d like a free estimate, check out our website.
    0:07:05 We’d be happy to give you a quote.
    0:07:06 – And Lincoln, how do you do that?
    0:07:08 ‘Cause my understanding is you can’t post on Nextdoor
    0:07:10 unless you’ve been verified as having an address
    0:07:13 or you got a postcard that shows you live in the neighborhood.
    0:07:15 They don’t want people from outside the neighborhood
    0:07:16 messaging, how do you do that?
    0:07:17 Is that a new feature or am I just out of the loop?
    0:07:20 – So, I post in just my neighborhood.
    0:07:24 So I guess in that area, I am confined to my neighborhood
    0:07:29 on that app, but it’s been enough homes to keep me busy.
    0:07:32 I think we got maybe 90 customers last year
    0:07:35 off of Nextdoor just between March and September.
    0:07:37 – Dude, if you’re listening, how many people have we had
    0:07:40 on this pod saying, I don’t have an idea.
    0:07:42 I don’t have this, you know, this doesn’t scale.
    0:07:44 All this bullshit.
    0:07:45 He’s 18 years old.
    0:07:47 He made 30 grand and it was from posting on Nextdoor
    0:07:48 in his neighborhood-
    0:07:50 – In his own personal neighborhood.
    0:07:52 Yeah, that’s insane.
    0:07:54 – That’s, by the way, how did you hear about, you know,
    0:07:57 Anand is a tech guy in New York City.
    0:08:00 How does someone in Texas who does power washing
    0:08:02 hear about this internet shit?
    0:08:04 Like what’s he doing? – I was very fortunate.
    0:08:06 So there is a teacher who’s a part of a teacher blog
    0:08:09 and I’m not well known, but some of the people
    0:08:11 at my school know that I own my own business
    0:08:13 and do a kind of power washing window cleaning
    0:08:14 things like that.
    0:08:15 And so she told me about it
    0:08:17 and then I submitted my application and-
    0:08:18 – Wow.
    0:08:19 This is cool, dude.
    0:08:21 Okay, so what’s your question?
    0:08:23 Before I start brainstorming ’cause I’m fired up.
    0:08:26 – All right, so it’s a pretty deep question.
    0:08:29 I’m trying to figure out how to reliably acquire customers
    0:08:30 through paid advertising.
    0:08:34 My current struggle is advertising on a small budget
    0:08:36 and not having the skills.
    0:08:38 My question for you guys is,
    0:08:40 should I pay to acquire those skills
    0:08:41 through paid courses?
    0:08:44 So far what I’ve been doing
    0:08:46 is kind of trying to learn on YouTube.
    0:08:49 I don’t think that it’s in depth enough to learn fully.
    0:08:52 So I think that I might get more out of paid courses
    0:08:56 and content, seminars, whatever that might be.
    0:08:58 Or do you think that it would be smarter
    0:09:03 to just allocate a semi-large budget to paid advertising
    0:09:06 and learn the skill on my own
    0:09:08 and kind of have to figure it out as I go?
    0:09:10 – All right, I got a bunch of opinions.
    0:09:11 Sam, you wanna go first?
    0:09:12 Do you want me to go?
    0:09:12 – I have a bunch of opinions.
    0:09:15 I think yes to all, basically.
    0:09:17 Yeah, do all.
    0:09:19 I don’t know what your definition of a large budget is.
    0:09:20 The best way to learn is to do it.
    0:09:23 And a lot of people will shit on online courses.
    0:09:24 I think that’s nonsense.
    0:09:26 Most of what I’ve learned in this internet world
    0:09:28 has been buying an online course.
    0:09:30 I bought a copywriting course that changed my life.
    0:09:32 I would suggest you do that.
    0:09:34 I don’t know what the course offerings are,
    0:09:39 but if there is a local services paid marketing course,
    0:09:41 100% do it.
    0:09:43 I don’t know what a lot of money for you is,
    0:09:45 but if you have to spend up to $2,000,
    0:09:48 as long as it has good reviews, do it.
    0:09:49 – By the way, I think if you emailed anybody
    0:09:52 who runs that course, you say, “Hey, I’m 18 years old.
    0:09:53 I badly wanna learn this.
    0:09:55 I don’t have the cash to be able to put that up.”
    0:09:57 Or, “I’m willing to pay it kind of next year
    0:09:58 using the profits of this,
    0:10:01 and I’ll be your best testimonial for you.”
    0:10:04 I think you can get those courses for free out of Goodwill.
    0:10:06 So I wouldn’t even let cost be a barrier.
    0:10:07 But like Sam said,
    0:10:09 I think learning is an attack on all fronts.
    0:10:10 So you’ve done the right thing.
    0:10:12 You figured out what to learn.
    0:10:14 And if you’re committed to being obsessed with it,
    0:10:16 it’s do it yourself.
    0:10:18 Then it’s watch free YouTube stuff.
    0:10:22 Then it’s do a paid course of some kind, buy a book,
    0:10:23 whatever.
    0:10:25 And then the last one you didn’t mention that I would do
    0:10:27 is what helped me when I went into e-commerce.
    0:10:29 So five years ago,
    0:10:32 I had never done an e-commerce physical brand before.
    0:10:34 And I had never done paid ads before.
    0:10:35 And fast forward to now,
    0:10:39 I’ve probably run $40, $50 million of paid ads
    0:10:40 and gotten pretty good at it.
    0:10:42 And so what was the learning curve?
    0:10:44 One thing that really helped me was
    0:10:46 instead of just going straight to a course,
    0:10:47 I started doing it myself.
    0:10:50 So I had my bearings and I knew what I didn’t know
    0:10:51 on a very low scale budget.
    0:10:53 And then what I did was I found somebody
    0:10:55 who already was winning with that method.
    0:10:57 So I found either a friend or somebody nearby.
    0:11:01 And I said, “Hey, I really think what you’re doing is great.
    0:11:02 I’m young, I wanna learn.”
    0:11:03 And I basically went and I said,
    0:11:04 “Can I come by for the day?”
    0:11:07 And I just wanna ask you a couple of questions about paid ads.
    0:11:08 And they’re like, “Yeah, sure, come over.”
    0:11:10 And then you come over and then you end up
    0:11:12 opening up their Facebook ad account with them
    0:11:13 and you start asking them questions.
    0:11:14 And if you do it right
    0:11:16 and if you’re an earnest, genuine person,
    0:11:19 you’re likable, like it seems like you are,
    0:11:20 you’ll find somebody who will also give you
    0:11:24 that kind of like real-world, real-time type of mentorship.
    0:11:26 And they’ll just tell you the ins and outs
    0:11:27 and they’ll also tell you,
    0:11:30 “Oh, your ad account got shut down.
    0:11:32 Email this guy,” or, “Hey, that’s normal.
    0:11:33 Here’s what happens.”
    0:11:34 So they’ll tell you stuff that you can’t find
    0:11:36 just generically on the internet.
    0:11:37 So I would also do that.
    0:11:39 But it’s a war on all fronts when it comes to learning.
    0:11:40 You should be doing all of them.
    0:11:42 And then the ones that are giving you
    0:11:43 a more rapid rate of learning,
    0:11:45 do more of those and less of the others as you go.
    0:11:47 You’ll figure out what’s gonna work for you.
    0:11:49 – I would also suggest, so I’m looking up Nextdoor.
    0:11:51 Nextdoor is not a big company.
    0:11:53 If I had to guess, they have 1,000 employees or less.
    0:11:57 I would Google Nextdoor account manager
    0:12:00 or I would go to the top, Google Nextdoor CMO
    0:12:03 or Nextdoor Director of Marketing,
    0:12:06 something VP or above.
    0:12:08 And I would email them and I would explain,
    0:12:09 this is what I did.
    0:12:13 I just built a business that is doing six figures
    0:12:15 as a senior in high school.
    0:12:17 I’m gonna advertise on Nextdoor.
    0:12:20 Do you have any type of first-time customer credits?
    0:12:21 And I would bet a lot of money
    0:12:24 that they will give you $1,000 to $2,000 in ad credits
    0:12:27 on Nextdoor to learn their platform.
    0:12:28 And then I would do the same thing for,
    0:12:30 what’s the other one, Sean,
    0:12:34 that the guy who started Athena started, Thumbtack.
    0:12:35 I would do the same.
    0:12:36 I would do Nextdoor, Thumbtack.
    0:12:39 I would email as high a person as you can in marketing.
    0:12:41 Probably start with CMO.
    0:12:42 – Have you run Nextdoor ads?
    0:12:46 – Yeah, so that was kind of part of my question.
    0:12:48 What I did last year for Christmas light installation,
    0:12:52 I ran ads. – Oh, you do that too?
    0:12:53 – I do.
    0:12:54 If you need Christmas lights, hey,
    0:12:57 I can fly out if the price works out.
    0:13:00 But yeah, so I ran the ads and they did it extremely well,
    0:13:03 which kind of, it’s almost frustrating to see
    0:13:06 that it worked and then now I can’t get it working again,
    0:13:08 but I think that’s kind of with paid ads.
    0:13:09 It doesn’t work for a while,
    0:13:11 but when it does work, it explodes.
    0:13:13 – Paid ads is a constant game of cat and mouse.
    0:13:15 It’s constant iteration, constantly trying things,
    0:13:17 constantly goes up and then goes down.
    0:13:20 That is completely normal for paid ads,
    0:13:22 but you just have to zoom out and say,
    0:13:23 wow, this is a magic money machine.
    0:13:26 I’m putting in a dollar and I’m getting three back out
    0:13:27 every day, this is incredible.
    0:13:28 How do I do more of that?
    0:13:30 And so that’s totally normal.
    0:13:32 Yeah, I think Sam’s idea of like,
    0:13:34 reach out to their marketing team and find their account rep
    0:13:36 and be like, hey, I’m a kid, I got this great story.
    0:13:38 I want to learn this, who would I learn from?
    0:13:39 Who’s the smartest at this?
    0:13:40 How can you help me?
    0:13:41 Do you guys have ad credits available?
    0:13:43 I would love to be a testimonial for it,
    0:13:44 the same sort of thing.
    0:13:46 Again, use your assets to try to get it to make it happen.
    0:13:47 If you need help, by the way,
    0:13:48 I think I know people at Nextdoor
    0:13:50 that I might be able to connect you with.
    0:13:51 So, okay, so that’s-
    0:13:54 By the way, hold on, before we move on from that,
    0:13:56 don’t do what we’re saying first.
    0:13:57 The first thing you should do
    0:13:59 is you should type out a letter
    0:14:03 and you print 1,000 copies on your printer at home
    0:14:07 and you want to make this look not professional.
    0:14:08 I don’t want this to be professional.
    0:14:10 I want it to be a typed letter from you that’s signed.
    0:14:13 – It should be like a paper clipped photo of you,
    0:14:14 like on the thing.
    0:14:15 Or like-
    0:14:16 – Do not act like a big company.
    0:14:18 Act like a senior in high school.
    0:14:20 Act like a mature senior in high school
    0:14:23 and print it out, fold it up, put it in an envelope
    0:14:26 and go and put that in 1,000 homes.
    0:14:30 – And I want you to Google the Gary Halpert dollar letter.
    0:14:33 So it’s the, there’s a famous copywriter, Gary Halpert.
    0:14:34 And he wrote this letter
    0:14:37 and he stapled or paper clipped a dollar bill
    0:14:38 to the top of it.
    0:14:39 And that was very attention getting.
    0:14:40 People had to pick, what is this?
    0:14:42 Why is there a dollar on this thing?
    0:14:43 One dollar, right?
    0:14:44 One dollar took his like open rate
    0:14:49 and his read rate from zero to 95% type of thing.
    0:14:50 And then he wrote this letter.
    0:14:52 You could do your version of the dollar letter.
    0:14:54 I think that would be tremendously successful.
    0:14:56 So I think Sam’s idea is great here.
    0:14:58 But I think there’s even a thing you do before that,
    0:15:00 which is you already have something working.
    0:15:02 We’re giving you new ideas.
    0:15:02 Why don’t you advertise?
    0:15:05 Why don’t you go do Yelp ads, Craigslist, whatever.
    0:15:06 You already figured out
    0:15:09 that you could go into a community’s next door,
    0:15:12 type something and what was this?
    0:15:14 $60,000 came out the other side.
    0:15:16 So how do you just do that again
    0:15:17 in the neighborhood next to yours?
    0:15:19 Can you find a friend or a kid in that neighborhood
    0:15:22 and say, I will pay you $100
    0:15:24 and you’re gonna type this message in your next door
    0:15:27 on this sequence ’cause they can post
    0:15:28 ’cause they live there, right?
    0:15:32 And so go activate basically your brand reps,
    0:15:34 your affiliates to just clone the script you did
    0:15:37 in your neighborhood in the two neighborhoods next to you
    0:15:40 and see if that gives you another 60K per neighborhood.
    0:15:42 Yeah, so I’m doing something similar.
    0:15:46 I’m not sure that I would say it exactly the way I’m doing it
    0:15:48 because I’m not sure that’s really the right way to do it
    0:15:49 ’cause I know that next door,
    0:15:51 you’re really supposed to be a neighbor in the community,
    0:15:56 but to your point, I am doing–
    0:15:58 Hey, this hat is gray, my friend, this hat is gray.
    0:16:00 I’m good with that.
    0:16:01 I’m apt out of region.
    0:16:02 I’m kind of going by radius
    0:16:04 of different next door neighborhood communities
    0:16:05 and going from there.
    0:16:07 Yeah, you’re hacking the system, that’s good.
    0:16:08 You’re hacking the system.
    0:16:11 Can we just become your angel investor real quick
    0:16:12 and like– Absolutely.
    0:16:14 I kind of wanna see where the story goes
    0:16:15 over the next two years.
    0:16:16 This is gonna be kind of insane.
    0:16:18 Lincoln, have you heard of,
    0:16:20 do you know a guy named Brian Scudamore?
    0:16:21 Have you ever heard that name?
    0:16:22 Sounds familiar, but I don’t know.
    0:16:24 You should Google this guy.
    0:16:26 He started very similar to you.
    0:16:29 It took him years and years to get traction,
    0:16:31 10 years to get traction.
    0:16:33 Now, his company is called 1-800-GOT-JUNK
    0:16:38 and he wholly owns it and it does a billion in sales a year.
    0:16:39 So he’s a billionaire.
    0:16:43 You should write him, or I can introduce you.
    0:16:45 He’s a friend of mine and he will absolutely talk to you,
    0:16:49 but you just gotta shut up and do this for about 20 years
    0:16:52 and the results are gonna be pretty great.
    0:16:54 Yeah, that’s how this business works, right?
    0:16:56 You just kinda put your head down and you just get after it.
    0:16:58 Yeah, but the beauty is you don’t know
    0:16:59 it’s 20 years at the beginning.
    0:17:01 You just think it’s just right around the corner
    0:17:02 and you just think it’s right around the corner
    0:17:03 for the next 20 years.
    0:17:06 Well, you’re gonna get rich as you go
    0:17:07 if you own the whole thing.
    0:17:10 Like these companies can be great if you do it right.
    0:17:11 Are you going to college?
    0:17:12 Sounds like you graduated now
    0:17:14 or you’re about to graduate.
    0:17:15 I’m about to graduate.
    0:17:20 I’m going to college, yes.
    0:17:24 Is that maybe Michigan is the goal?
    0:17:27 I got introduced through Formidable Fellowship
    0:17:29 to someone at Michigan
    0:17:31 who’s kinda gonna introduce me to people on campus.
    0:17:35 And so that’ll be, they have a good business school.
    0:17:37 Like chicks or what are you talking about?
    0:17:38 Who are you trying to meet on campus?
    0:17:39 What are you talking about?
    0:17:42 Like some professors, some deans, some people,
    0:17:43 ’cause I haven’t gotten accepted yet.
    0:17:44 It’s still in.
    0:17:45 Do they need their gutters cleaned?
    0:17:46 I don’t understand.
    0:17:48 Why do you care about the professors and deans?
    0:17:51 (laughing)
    0:17:52 I have good grades and everything
    0:17:55 but the kind of what it takes to get out of state
    0:17:57 and to that good of a school.
    0:17:58 What do your parents do?
    0:18:00 Do you have like a teal fellowship part of this
    0:18:02 where you just pay people to drop out once you realize
    0:18:05 that they should just keep going as an entrepreneur?
    0:18:06 Yeah, I mean, I could probably pay one person
    0:18:09 but bank on that.
    0:18:14 My parents, my dad is a VP at Spectrum.
    0:18:16 So not, no entrepreneurship
    0:18:19 but he does kinda in the business realm.
    0:18:20 My mom’s a nurse.
    0:18:23 Do they criticize, not criticize,
    0:18:24 they probably don’t criticize you.
    0:18:25 Do they say, you know.
    0:18:26 Do they put respect on your name?
    0:18:27 Yes.
    0:18:29 (laughing)
    0:18:30 Yeah, like.
    0:18:31 Do you get to sit at the head of the table now at dinner?
    0:18:35 No, do they, are they like, like, this is a fun hobby
    0:18:37 but you know, maybe you should consider
    0:18:39 something more serious or do they,
    0:18:41 you don’t disrespect your parents publicly
    0:18:44 but or are they like, hey, you got a gift,
    0:18:46 this is working, keep going?
    0:18:47 They’re very traditional in the way
    0:18:49 that they want me to go to college
    0:18:51 and they think that it’s a fun thing to do.
    0:18:53 I’m in high school, but yeah.
    0:18:55 Anon, do you have a service
    0:18:57 where you talk to these kids’ parents?
    0:18:58 No, we don’t.
    0:19:01 You know, I think, so yeah,
    0:19:04 I posted about Lincoln getting into you, Michigan
    0:19:07 and I guess luckily some people have reached out, right?
    0:19:08 ‘Cause that’s where he wants to go.
    0:19:11 I mean, any of these guys probably could skip college
    0:19:13 and just go pro in business,
    0:19:17 but you know, I gotta respect what they wanna do, of course.
    0:19:20 But yeah, no, obviously if any of them wanted to,
    0:19:21 I’m not sure they would, you know,
    0:19:25 they could be formidable, you know, without college for sure.
    0:19:27 Lincoln, just to put it in perspective real quick,
    0:19:29 you said you did 60K last year,
    0:19:32 you’ll do 150K this year of revenue.
    0:19:34 You’re gonna make more money than your professors.
    0:19:39 Yeah, exactly, roughly 50% profit margin, 40, 50%.
    0:19:41 Yeah, so last year it was 30,000,
    0:19:43 it’s a little over 30,000 profit.
    0:19:45 Let’s say you can roughly hold that.
    0:19:48 You’re getting close to having a million dollar business
    0:19:50 already.
    0:19:52 So let’s say you’re doing 100K,
    0:19:53 you’re a profit right now,
    0:19:55 growth and you basically 2X the business.
    0:19:58 Arguably that could be, you know,
    0:20:00 somewhere between a $400,000 business
    0:20:01 to a million dollar business.
    0:20:03 Yeah, it’s like one more year for that
    0:20:04 and you’re a million there.
    0:20:05 Exactly, exactly.
    0:20:07 Just to put that perspective of like the opportunity
    0:20:09 and I guess like want to make sure,
    0:20:11 I wouldn’t have known that when I was your age.
    0:20:13 Well, I wouldn’t have known how to do any of the shit you did,
    0:20:15 but even if I was there,
    0:20:16 I wouldn’t have really had that perspective
    0:20:19 because you kind of, as a business owner,
    0:20:20 as a small business owner,
    0:20:21 you sort of value your business
    0:20:23 just on what you eat at the end of the day.
    0:20:25 So you’re like, oh, I made $30,000.
    0:20:27 I did a whole bunch of work.
    0:20:28 That’s great, but you know,
    0:20:31 that doesn’t pay for one year of college.
    0:20:33 Whereas you look at it like I’m one year away
    0:20:34 from being a millionaire.
    0:20:37 If I just literally get two more neighborhoods on board
    0:20:40 or one more neighborhood to do the same thing
    0:20:41 that I just did, right?
    0:20:45 So you are very close to a very meaningful size business
    0:20:48 and I hope you continue that as your new angel investor.
    0:20:52 Yeah, like I don’t think people truly grasp this
    0:20:54 that if you do, this is a huge generalization.
    0:20:59 If you do roughly 300 grand of seller earnings,
    0:21:02 or sorry, of business owner earnings,
    0:21:07 ballpark in most cases, you are worth $1 million.
    0:21:09 And I think that if people understood
    0:21:12 that they would probably keep going a lot harder.
    0:21:14 And I would bet that a lot of the people
    0:21:17 teaching business at Michigan, some percentage of them,
    0:21:19 you would be richer than them
    0:21:21 before you graduate college.
    0:21:23 Yeah, and I definitely understand what you guys are saying
    0:21:25 ’cause the way I think about it as I compare,
    0:21:27 okay, a $30,000 salary,
    0:21:28 which is what I made last year
    0:21:31 is like an entry level job anywhere,
    0:21:34 but going to the point of doubling it every year.
    0:21:36 Which you’re not going to do.
    0:21:37 You’re not gonna double it every year,
    0:21:40 but you’re gonna double it for a few more years maybe.
    0:21:43 You honestly, based on what you just described to us,
    0:21:46 you actually have a path where you could probably forex
    0:21:47 this business in one year
    0:21:51 because you’ve done all of this in a single neighborhood.
    0:21:54 And guess what, a lot of businesses are like this
    0:21:55 where they’re what I call pond businesses.
    0:21:58 It works in one pond, it’ll work in all ponds.
    0:22:01 Businesses like any app that takes over a high school
    0:22:03 will actually be able to take over every high school.
    0:22:06 So Snapchat, for example, when Snapchat got hot,
    0:22:09 it got hot in two LA high schools.
    0:22:12 And investors who are smart knew right away that,
    0:22:15 sure on the surface that only looks like a few thousand users,
    0:22:17 but if it works in one high school and two high schools,
    0:22:19 it’s gonna work in 14,000 other high schools
    0:22:21 because all high schools are the same.
    0:22:24 In the same way that your neighborhood is probably similar
    0:22:27 to a thousand other neighborhoods or more
    0:22:28 across the country.
    0:22:30 And you should be able to sell local services
    0:22:33 using the same exact blueprint and model
    0:22:35 that you’re doing in those neighborhoods.
    0:22:38 And so I think that what you haven’t done yet
    0:22:39 is just replicate it.
    0:22:42 So like, you know, do it in another neighborhood yet.
    0:22:45 But you said that your next door ads were working
    0:22:48 and you said that you’re starting to be able to post
    0:22:49 in new neighborhoods.
    0:22:53 I would actually be surprised if you can’t triple this business
    0:22:55 just doing that properly.
    0:22:58 – Yeah, so, I mean, the next door ads from last year,
    0:23:00 I’ll kind of run through the numbers.
    0:23:03 There was a $9 cost per lead, $30 customer acquisition costs
    0:23:07 and a $650 average transaction value.
    0:23:09 So 21 to one row ads.
    0:23:12 So I think that just based on 21 to one,
    0:23:13 by the end of this year,
    0:23:16 if I just pump as much as I can into those ads,
    0:23:17 I think I’ll be.
    0:23:18 – And look, it’ll go down.
    0:23:20 It won’t stay 21 to one, but it doesn’t matter.
    0:23:21 Three to one, you’re laughing.
    0:23:24 So you make a huge margin of safety.
    0:23:26 – I thought you said you didn’t know what you were doing.
    0:23:27 – Yeah.
    0:23:28 – Like you said.
    0:23:29 – The Christmas lights, I guess,
    0:23:31 but window cleaning, I don’t know, I guess.
    0:23:33 – Well, the Christmas lights is because there’s a time,
    0:23:34 there’s an urgency on that.
    0:23:36 So that’s why it’s such an easy sale.
    0:23:38 But your website’s great.
    0:23:40 Have you seen his website, Sean?
    0:23:40 – No.
    0:23:46 – HHH, I think, HHHpressureCleanings.com.
    0:23:47 You’re also funky.
    0:23:48 – You need to work on the domain.
    0:23:50 – Yeah, but the website’s great.
    0:23:54 – Welcome to Sunshine Exteriors.
    0:23:56 Okay, why not SunshineExteriors.com?
    0:23:59 – I have a Sunshine Exteriors, Texas,
    0:24:01 but it’s saying I need six months
    0:24:02 before I can transfer the domain
    0:24:05 ’cause I just bought it on a different hosting platform
    0:24:08 ’cause I needed emails with a branded domain.
    0:24:10 – You could definitely transfer a domain faster,
    0:24:12 whatever, that part’s not right.
    0:24:13 Doesn’t take six months, but okay, great.
    0:24:14 Let me ask a different question.
    0:24:15 Do people come back?
    0:24:16 Do they do it again?
    0:24:18 Have you been in business long enough
    0:24:19 to know the repeat rate?
    0:24:23 – Yeah, so didn’t do a great job of tracking it
    0:24:25 and not quite enough to know the repeat rate.
    0:24:27 I’ll start seeing the repeat rate this year
    0:24:29 ’cause most of my customers were from last year.
    0:24:31 But from first year to second year,
    0:24:35 I would say it’s probably close, it’s low, probably 10%.
    0:24:37 – Okay, wow, this is great.
    0:24:42 – My friends, if you like MFM,
    0:24:44 then you’re gonna like the following podcast.
    0:24:46 It’s called Billion Dollar Moves.
    0:24:47 And of course, it’s brought to you
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    0:25:26 All right, back to the episode.
    0:25:31 – Okay, congratulations.
    0:25:33 Anything else, Lincoln, before we let you go?
    0:25:35 ‘Cause this was kind of great.
    0:25:36 – One question.
    0:25:39 So if you guys were in my position, right,
    0:25:42 and you were going to, against your parents’ judgment,
    0:25:45 not go to college, what advice do you have
    0:25:46 for someone in that position?
    0:25:48 – All right, so the pitch is like this.
    0:25:49 You’re gonna sit them down and you’re gonna say,
    0:25:53 “Mom and Dad, let me show you the potential outcome.”
    0:25:57 So what’s, you’re near A&M, maybe?
    0:25:58 I don’t know where you, okay.
    0:26:00 – That’s another college, yeah.
    0:26:02 – I would say, look, the average salary
    0:26:06 that a graduate in the business administration school is this.
    0:26:09 I don’t know what it’s going to be, probably 80 grand.
    0:26:11 I’m already going to make that.
    0:26:16 And if you go to, what’s the broker that we like, Sean?
    0:26:17 Quiet Light Brokerage.
    0:26:19 You go to quietlightbrokerage.com
    0:26:22 and you say, here’s how much these businesses sell for.
    0:26:26 In one year, I’m going to already be well above the average
    0:26:31 in terms of earnings for a first, second,
    0:26:34 and third year post-graduate A&M business admin,
    0:26:35 graduate or whatever.
    0:26:37 I’m gonna be already out earning that.
    0:26:40 All I’m asking for is one year.
    0:26:42 You don’t need to support me financially.
    0:26:43 All I need is your blessing.
    0:26:45 I just want you to say, get after it.
    0:26:46 Go and achieve your dreams.
    0:26:49 Because look, if you look at all of the change in the world,
    0:26:52 it all, a lot of it is due to someone who just went out
    0:26:53 and got after it and made a lot of money.
    0:26:55 And I’m trying to do that.
    0:26:57 And if it doesn’t work after one year,
    0:26:59 I’ll do what you asked me to, which is go to a great school,
    0:27:01 but just give me 12 months to make this happen.
    0:27:02 And I don’t want anything
    0:27:04 except for your emotional support.
    0:27:06 How’s that, pitch, Sean?
    0:27:07 Is that good enough?
    0:27:08 – It’s great.
    0:27:09 That’s exactly right.
    0:27:12 I’m gonna ask for the gap year, not the full four.
    0:27:16 So you don’t have to make this like longterm,
    0:27:18 life-altering decision.
    0:27:20 Just say, hey, I’d like to basically,
    0:27:23 I wanna take a gap year and really give this my all.
    0:27:24 I think I’m gonna learn a lot.
    0:27:25 I’m already learning a lot.
    0:27:28 And I think this can really grow into something.
    0:27:31 And after school, school is about learning
    0:27:34 so that the way, hey, school’s great,
    0:27:35 but in education it’s more important.
    0:27:37 Like the thing I would go to school for
    0:27:37 is to learn about business.
    0:27:40 I’m already learning a ton about business this way.
    0:27:41 And I’m gonna learn so much more
    0:27:43 if I just take this year and focus on it.
    0:27:45 And hey, at the end of this year,
    0:27:47 you know what, maybe I will actually, you know,
    0:27:49 decide, hey, college is the right move.
    0:27:51 I wanna be around friends and I wanna do all that.
    0:27:54 And in which case, no harm done, one gap year.
    0:27:56 And if this really takes off and we reassess at the end,
    0:27:57 you know, I can go the other way
    0:27:59 and actually maybe continue on this path.
    0:28:00 But I wanna take a year.
    0:28:02 And I think I would start with that.
    0:28:05 So I think the ask is a year, not to never go to college.
    0:28:08 And then you let ’em know that like the reasons why
    0:28:10 and how you’re thinking this through
    0:28:12 and that you want their support that they believed in you,
    0:28:13 you know, up until this point,
    0:28:15 you just want them to keep believing in you.
    0:28:16 And you see how that lands.
    0:28:18 So you got your little emotional manipulation.
    0:28:19 You have your puppy dog clothes.
    0:28:21 You got it all under the hood.
    0:28:22 We got a lot of stuff going on there,
    0:28:24 but that’s what you wanna do.
    0:28:25 And then you see how that goes.
    0:28:27 But at the end of the day, like, look,
    0:28:29 sometimes just, you know, it might come to this.
    0:28:30 I hope it doesn’t, but it might come to this
    0:28:31 where they say, no, you gotta do this.
    0:28:33 This is, you don’t know what you’re talking about.
    0:28:34 Blah, blah, blah.
    0:28:36 You may have to decide for you what’s most important, right?
    0:28:38 That’s the coming of age, that’s 18-year-old thing.
    0:28:40 And there are plenty of stories of people who do it.
    0:28:42 And then years later, their parents are like,
    0:28:44 you know, holy crap, I didn’t know,
    0:28:46 I didn’t understand at the time, you know,
    0:28:48 they come around to it.
    0:28:49 You at the end of the day, you gotta take control
    0:28:51 of kind of like what you want for your life.
    0:28:53 But I think that the one you’re asked should land.
    0:28:56 I think you got like a 50 to 70% success rate with that.
    0:28:57 All right, all right.
    0:29:02 – The median salary of an accountant student at A&M
    0:29:05 is $60,000.
    0:29:05 – Yeah.
    0:29:07 – You’re gonna beat that this year.
    0:29:11 That’s gotta be the numbers that you present to them.
    0:29:12 – All right, well, they might not,
    0:29:14 it might not only be about that, you know, people,
    0:29:16 parents ultimately, they just want your good, right?
    0:29:18 So they’re like, we want you to have this education.
    0:29:19 You have your degree.
    0:29:22 That’s just like safety and that idea.
    0:29:24 Plus we want you to have that experience or young,
    0:29:25 blah, blah, blah.
    0:29:26 So there’s like other factors too.
    0:29:28 So I wouldn’t, I would try to understand.
    0:29:30 So like, let’s say they say, no, you gotta do this.
    0:29:31 Before you start arguing with them,
    0:29:33 just ask them, get curious.
    0:29:35 Be like, okay, so like, you know,
    0:29:37 it seems like school’s got a couple different parts, right?
    0:29:38 There’s like the learning part,
    0:29:39 which I think I’m getting a lot of here.
    0:29:41 There’s friends and social life.
    0:29:42 And then there’s like, you know,
    0:29:43 the safety net of having your degree.
    0:29:44 Like which one is it for you?
    0:29:46 Why do you feel like it’s so important?
    0:29:48 What is the part that really, you know,
    0:29:50 let me help you understand.
    0:29:51 And they’ll let them articulate it.
    0:29:53 And then, you know, exactly what you need to smack down
    0:29:55 ’cause they’ve served it up to you
    0:29:56 about what the reason is that they think
    0:29:58 you gotta go to college.
    0:29:59 – That’ll work.
    0:30:00 That’ll work.
    0:30:02 We’re gonna try, Ayan, let’s give you a shot.
    0:30:04 Let’s see if your audio video’s working.
    0:30:05 So Anand, you wanna do an intro for him?
    0:30:08 You wanna be his Bruce Buffer, his Dana White here?
    0:30:13 – Yeah, so Ayan is a ninth grader.
    0:30:15 Fun fact, went to the same high school as me.
    0:30:17 Has built an awesome baking business,
    0:30:19 but I think he’ll fill you in.
    0:30:21 He’s a phenomenal entrepreneur.
    0:30:22 – Yeah, all right.
    0:30:25 Hi, my name is Ayan, like Alon said.
    0:30:27 I’m a freshman in Hunterton Central High School
    0:30:29 in Ringo’s, New Jersey.
    0:30:33 So I’m the founder and CEO of Teens to Table.
    0:30:36 We sell homemade baked goods to local establishments
    0:30:39 across New Jersey and school suppliers as well.
    0:30:42 So my business is one year old,
    0:30:44 and last year I did 4K in revenue.
    0:30:47 This year I expect to grow over 600%
    0:30:52 and aim to do at least $25,000, which is really exciting.
    0:30:54 So in addition to my business,
    0:30:57 I am also a competitive chess player.
    0:30:59 And so right now I’m trying to figure out
    0:31:02 how to hire people to help with my production
    0:31:06 while also maintaining both efficiency and quality.
    0:31:08 And so currently I bake everything myself
    0:31:09 from cookies to brownies.
    0:31:11 And that really ensures my consistency,
    0:31:14 but I’m considering bringing a small team
    0:31:18 to keep with the growing demand that I’m currently gaining.
    0:31:20 – So Ayan, before we go into your question,
    0:31:22 let’s just get a little more context on the business.
    0:31:25 So it’s baked goods, you sell it to who?
    0:31:28 You said classes, a teacher, or who are you selling to?
    0:31:30 – Yeah, so I sell it to local establishments.
    0:31:32 So bakeries, ice cream shops,
    0:31:34 and I also sell it to schools.
    0:31:37 So when schools serve food and lunch,
    0:31:40 there’s usually my cookie on the shelf as well.
    0:31:41 – Okay, gotcha.
    0:31:43 You’re making all the cookies right now.
    0:31:44 You’re going and you’re selling to them.
    0:31:45 How are you getting that sale?
    0:31:46 You’re going and you’re knocking on doors.
    0:31:47 What’s the pitch?
    0:31:51 – Yeah, so the pitch right now is I usually either
    0:31:54 go to the bakeries and go to the ice cream shops
    0:31:56 and just go in person or on the phone.
    0:31:58 And I say, “Hey, I’m 14 years old.”
    0:32:00 And this is actually something that astonishes
    0:32:04 a lot of people and I really find that interesting.
    0:32:05 So I say, “I’m 14 years old,
    0:32:07 I’m the founder of teens to table.”
    0:32:09 And I pretty much tell them what I do.
    0:32:12 Usually when I go in, I bring samples of my cookies
    0:32:15 just to make sure they like it and everything’s good.
    0:32:16 That I start with the pitch either,
    0:32:19 can I sell and put a table up
    0:32:20 or can I put it on your shelves?
    0:32:22 – Gotcha, okay.
    0:32:24 And you said you’re going to grow the business 600%.
    0:32:27 So how are you going to go from 4,000 to 25,000?
    0:32:29 Is it just knock on more doors
    0:32:31 or is there something more to it?
    0:32:34 – Yeah, so now it’s more into the school suppliers.
    0:32:37 So I’m supplying currently to Machos and Pomtonian,
    0:32:40 which are two school suppliers in my local area.
    0:32:44 So I’m hoping to get more districts and more schools.
    0:32:46 So currently I just got an order for 700 cookies
    0:32:48 between the two suppliers.
    0:32:51 And I’m in contact with two other suppliers,
    0:32:55 Aramark and another supplier in the local area for my school.
    0:32:59 So both of these plus Machos and Pomtonian
    0:33:02 should hopefully get me to $25,000, yeah.
    0:33:05 – And why do you have a bunch of some type of like curry
    0:33:07 and other pizza and stuff on your website?
    0:33:11 Is that just a stock images that are placeholders for now
    0:33:13 or are you actually going to bake more stuff?
    0:33:15 – Oh, so that’s actually the future goal to bake more stuff.
    0:33:18 So those are the things I’ve made so far.
    0:33:20 Along from baking, I love to cook.
    0:33:23 So I love to cook like Mediterranean food,
    0:33:25 Indian food, Mexican food.
    0:33:26 So apart from the baking,
    0:33:28 that’s just another one of my passions.
    0:33:31 And hopefully as I go later on to my business,
    0:33:33 I can incorporate those as well.
    0:33:36 – Have you thought about putting cookies on your website?
    0:33:39 – I believe, are there not cookies on there?
    0:33:41 – There’s a lot of Italian food.
    0:33:46 – Tomatoes and avocados and a cookie would definitely be cool.
    0:33:51 – All right, so sounds like you are,
    0:33:53 you’re going full break and bad, dude.
    0:33:54 You’re going up the supply chain,
    0:33:56 you’re finding the distributors.
    0:33:57 How good are these cookies, by the way?
    0:34:00 I need to know, what are we dealing with here?
    0:34:02 – So the cookies, they’re really big.
    0:34:06 Have you ever guys tried Levain cookies from New York?
    0:34:08 – Yes. – That’s how they are.
    0:34:10 So that was my goal to design those recipes.
    0:34:12 And I think I cracked the code there.
    0:34:15 So that’s how the cookies taste.
    0:34:17 – How much money do you have in the bank?
    0:34:18 – You did 40k last year.
    0:34:20 I imagine you’re just doing checking account.
    0:34:21 – Not 40k, 4k.
    0:34:23 – 4k, that’s what I said, 4k.
    0:34:25 And you’re doing checking account accounting,
    0:34:26 which is basically just like,
    0:34:28 is my bank account going up?
    0:34:31 How much do you have in your bank account?
    0:34:36 – So in my bank account, I have around 2.1k, I’d say.
    0:34:37 – All right, cool, understood.
    0:34:40 That’s pretty good.
    0:34:42 – Okay, and so now your question was something around
    0:34:43 scaling up or hiring, right?
    0:34:44 What was the question?
    0:34:47 – Right, yeah, so right, I’m trying to hire people
    0:34:50 because with the new school suppliers that I’m getting
    0:34:52 and then Machios and Pomtonian,
    0:34:55 it’s really hard to just do this myself now,
    0:34:57 especially since it’s gonna be around,
    0:35:01 hopefully projected 1,000 to 2,000 cookies per week.
    0:35:03 So I’m considering bringing on a small team
    0:35:05 to keep up with the growing demand.
    0:35:07 And so my biggest concern for this
    0:35:08 is I use a commercial kitchen
    0:35:11 ’cause I can’t do this really in my house.
    0:35:13 So they charge by hour.
    0:35:16 So if I hire people to work,
    0:35:19 am I gonna lose my profits and all of my money
    0:35:22 because they’re not gonna be as efficient as me
    0:35:23 when I bake the cookies?
    0:35:24 And then at the same time,
    0:35:27 I worry that the quality of the cookies could suffer
    0:35:30 because the people I hire might not follow
    0:35:31 the exact same process.
    0:35:33 And if they add one more teaspoon,
    0:35:35 let’s say a baking powder that might skew off
    0:35:36 the whole recipe.
    0:35:37 – Wait, so you said that you’re doing
    0:35:41 50,000 cookies a week, so 52,000 a year.
    0:35:42 And how much in revenue?
    0:35:46 – So revenue, it’s gonna be around 25K.
    0:35:47 So projected.
    0:35:51 – Okay, so cheap, right?
    0:35:53 – Yes, with the cookies, since they’re bulk ordering,
    0:35:56 I don’t make a lot of profit off of them right now.
    0:35:57 – Let’s walk through that.
    0:35:58 You get an order.
    0:36:00 Typical order will be how much?
    0:36:01 How many cookies?
    0:36:04 – So a typical order is around 600 cookies.
    0:36:05 – Great, 600 cookies.
    0:36:07 On that 600 cookies, what are you charging
    0:36:10 that end customer or not the,
    0:36:11 let’s assume it’s not going straight to the customer,
    0:36:14 but it sounds like you’re selling to the school district
    0:36:17 or the bakery or the wholesale relationship.
    0:36:20 So how much are you charging wholesale for that?
    0:36:23 – Right, so for wholesale, it’s 80 cents per cookie.
    0:36:27 So between 700 and 800,
    0:36:29 I make around $400 in revenue.
    0:36:31 – Okay, and then what does it cost you
    0:36:33 to make those cookies?
    0:36:35 – Yep, so I make two cookies.
    0:36:36 I make an oatmeal chocolate chip
    0:36:38 and I make a chocolate chip both.
    0:36:41 The oatmeal costs 27 cents to make
    0:36:43 and the chocolate chip costs 28 cents to make.
    0:36:45 – Okay, gotcha.
    0:36:50 So you’re basically 66% gross margins on the cookie itself
    0:36:54 and that includes the kitchen cost and everything
    0:36:56 or that’s literally just the ingredients?
    0:36:57 – Yeah, so that includes everything
    0:36:59 from packaging to the commercial kitchen
    0:37:00 and to the ingredients.
    0:37:02 – And do you have like your Excel file
    0:37:04 that basically kind of shows your unit cost
    0:37:06 and your percentages and when you do that,
    0:37:10 what do you see when you add in the labor?
    0:37:11 Do you see that the profits go to zero
    0:37:13 or ’cause that was your question.
    0:37:14 You’re like, well, my profits go away.
    0:37:16 That’s kind of an Excel question,
    0:37:18 not a Sean and Sam question really, right?
    0:37:20 So what does the Excel tell you?
    0:37:24 – So it really depends just based on minimum wage,
    0:37:26 say $15 or $16 per hour.
    0:37:30 It depends on how many actual people are higher.
    0:37:33 So right now I’ve been trying to experiment with two or three
    0:37:35 and see if that works in the spreadsheet.
    0:37:39 And right now my profits are going pretty much to zero.
    0:37:43 So I’m making like $20 to $30 per order.
    0:37:46 So I just wanted to see if there was a better
    0:37:48 or more efficient way to do this
    0:37:50 without like choking all my profits.
    0:37:52 – Raise your prices, that’s the easiest way.
    0:37:54 – So basically I think there’s like only two or three ways
    0:37:55 to grow a business, right?
    0:37:58 You sell more of what you already have.
    0:38:01 You sell the same stuff to the current customers,
    0:38:02 but you get them to buy more,
    0:38:05 whether a larger quantity or more often,
    0:38:07 or you raise prices.
    0:38:09 So those are like, so, you know,
    0:38:10 there’s a great book called
    0:38:13 Getting Everything You Have on Everything You Got.
    0:38:15 And it just walks through like,
    0:38:16 those are the only three options.
    0:38:18 Sounds like you’re selling a lot more stuff
    0:38:20 if you’re gonna grow 600%,
    0:38:24 but you probably should charge more, I would think.
    0:38:25 I don’t know anything about the cookie business,
    0:38:29 but I think that sounds really cheap, right?
    0:38:30 How hard is the sale?
    0:38:31 Is the sale really easy?
    0:38:33 If the sale is really easy, you should charge more.
    0:38:35 How often are you turned down
    0:38:38 when you’re asking these people to buy your stuff?
    0:38:39 – So it’s quite a bit.
    0:38:41 So right now with Machios and Pomtony,
    0:38:43 I signed a contract with them.
    0:38:45 So that’s pretty much going till the end of the school year
    0:38:47 for me, so till June.
    0:38:51 So with them, Pomtony is actually only taking 40 cents
    0:38:52 per cookie.
    0:38:55 So to me, that’s like, that’s a really cheap thing
    0:38:58 ’cause I’m really making 12 or 13 cents of profit per cookie.
    0:39:01 So with them, I’m making like a total of
    0:39:02 barely anything for profit.
    0:39:06 With Machios, on the other hand, I make 80 cents,
    0:39:07 so they charge it for a week.
    0:39:09 – I hope they’re not listening to this.
    0:39:11 Uh-oh, we’re giving out all the leverage.
    0:39:15 – So I make around 80 cents from them
    0:39:18 as they charge me for a dollar.
    0:39:20 So I feel like in my question, like a follow-up
    0:39:23 is if I raise the prices, do you think there’s,
    0:39:26 they would say we don’t want for you
    0:39:30 to put your products anymore, or is that a possibility?
    0:39:31 – Well, it’s definitely a possibility,
    0:39:32 but it’s one you gotta figure out.
    0:39:34 So there’s two ways to figure this out.
    0:39:35 You can go to your existing customers,
    0:39:37 assume you have a good relationship with them,
    0:39:39 assume they’re happy, and you could tell them.
    0:39:42 You could be like, hey, how’s this going for you?
    0:39:44 They’re like, oh, it’s great, like awesome.
    0:39:46 I really love working with you.
    0:39:49 You know, I’m 14 years old, I’m figuring this out as I go.
    0:39:50 And one thing I’m learning is that
    0:39:52 I’m providing you guys 500,000 cookies.
    0:39:54 Right now I cook all of these by myself.
    0:39:55 I need to bring somebody in.
    0:39:57 If I do that, I’m not gonna make any profit.
    0:40:01 And so I was wondering, would it be possible,
    0:40:02 like for us to raise the price here
    0:40:05 and go to a dollar cookie or 95 cents a cookie,
    0:40:08 whatever it is, that way I’m not losing money
    0:40:09 providing you business.
    0:40:10 And see what they say.
    0:40:12 They might look at you and your puppy dog guys
    0:40:13 and they’ll just say yes.
    0:40:15 They might say no, and you’ll find out, right?
    0:40:17 And then when you go to that next bakery,
    0:40:19 you’re gonna go cold test them,
    0:40:20 and they’re never even gonna know about the 80 cents.
    0:40:22 You just go to them straight away
    0:40:23 and you say it’s a dollar, 10, a cookie.
    0:40:25 And then you say these cookies are amazing.
    0:40:28 This is an, have you ever been to the bakery in New York?
    0:40:31 This is a New York City cookie that I’m bringing to you, right?
    0:40:34 So you have to up the perceived value of the cookie
    0:40:35 through your packaging, through your story,
    0:40:38 through the benefits that they get working with you.
    0:40:41 And you could say, hey, I am gonna be able to, you know,
    0:40:42 tell everybody in our local community
    0:40:44 that you guys support, you know,
    0:40:45 this young entrepreneurs, blah, blah, blah.
    0:40:48 So you gotta find a way to be able to charge a higher price.
    0:40:49 And so that, I think that’s your easiest lever
    0:40:52 because you’re not gonna be able to get labor
    0:40:53 for that much cheaper,
    0:40:55 but you can get more margin out of every cookie
    0:40:57 that you sell.
    0:40:58 And you don’t wanna grow broke.
    0:41:00 So if you have the wrong model, right?
    0:41:02 You have the wrong cost structure today,
    0:41:04 and let’s say you do go get these bigger contracts
    0:41:06 and you’re cooking 10 times more cookies,
    0:41:08 well, you’re just literally gonna grow broke
    0:41:09 if you do that, right?
    0:41:12 ‘Cause you’re gonna have to hire to fulfill those orders,
    0:41:13 but if you don’t have the margin to support it,
    0:41:15 you will go out of business.
    0:41:17 And so, and by the way, I think you could test these things.
    0:41:19 So you first you test it in Excel,
    0:41:21 then you bring on one other person,
    0:41:23 and you can always cut bait with that person
    0:41:27 if it turns out that you’re not able to optimize them fully
    0:41:30 to get the costs out, to get the benefits out of it.
    0:41:32 But you just go sort of one step at a time.
    0:41:33 I wouldn’t go get two or three people.
    0:41:35 I’d start with one and move to two, move to three
    0:41:37 as you figure out that model.
    0:41:41 Right, okay, yeah, that makes perfect sense, thank you.
    0:41:44 Yeah, you might also wanna try to sell to a richer customer.
    0:41:47 So who is gonna be less price sensitive, right?
    0:41:48 If you go to local businesses,
    0:41:51 you go to real estate, the guy who’s killing it
    0:41:53 in real estate down there, you go to the dentists,
    0:41:57 you go to people who are themselves local entrepreneurs
    0:41:59 that are making enough money where they don’t care
    0:42:01 if it’s 80 cents a cookie, a dollar a cookie,
    0:42:03 or two dollars a cookie really.
    0:42:04 They like the story, they like you,
    0:42:06 and they wanna be supportive.
    0:42:07 I think that might be helpful
    0:42:09 versus going to somebody like Airmark.
    0:42:11 Airmark I think literally provides food
    0:42:13 to like prisons and school cafeterias, right?
    0:42:16 It’s gonna be harder to get wiggle room with them
    0:42:19 than it is to get the local dentist to say sure thing.
    0:42:22 Yeah, or local car dealerships, things like that.
    0:42:24 That story is so much better
    0:42:27 when you have your face on it with the story
    0:42:28 and then your stuff right there.
    0:42:30 You should maybe, do you have like a sign
    0:42:32 so that let’s say I am the car dealership
    0:42:34 and I do carry your cookies.
    0:42:36 Like they could just give away a free cookie
    0:42:37 to every customer who walks in.
    0:42:39 By the way, they’re selling cars.
    0:42:41 I think a pretty known sales tactic is you know,
    0:42:42 Sam used to do this, right?
    0:42:43 You go negotiate with somebody off Craigslist.
    0:42:45 What’s the first thing Sam brings?
    0:42:47 Oh yeah, it’s called the rule of reciprocity.
    0:42:50 So basically I do something nice to someone,
    0:42:52 whether it’s something really small.
    0:42:55 Like I go, hey, you know, I was gonna meet you
    0:42:57 to look at this car.
    0:42:58 I just bought a Coke.
    0:42:59 I went and bought a Coke.
    0:43:01 You want a Coke, a Coca-Cola as well.
    0:43:03 And then the rule of reciprocity states
    0:43:04 that when you do something nice to someone,
    0:43:07 they will always or almost always do something nice back.
    0:43:09 And it’s oftentimes not in proportion
    0:43:11 to the gift that you gave them.
    0:43:13 So you do one little small things nice.
    0:43:16 They’ll do something a lot bigger in return
    0:43:18 because you always wanna just be even.
    0:43:20 Right, okay.
    0:43:24 Yeah, so I would go to like a local car dealer
    0:43:26 and just say, hey, I wanna provide you guys cookies every week
    0:43:28 that you guys can just give out to customers
    0:43:29 and they come in.
    0:43:32 Trust me, have you ever heard of the rule of reciprocity?
    0:43:34 People are much more likely to wanna buy
    0:43:36 when they’re eating a delicious cookie
    0:43:38 and they feel taken care of.
    0:43:39 And this thing’s gonna cost you a dollar.
    0:43:43 But if you close even one more sale this whole year,
    0:43:45 this whole year, right?
    0:43:48 You know, that’s a $35,000 sale for you.
    0:43:50 You know, this pays itself back in spades.
    0:43:52 And so you can make a pitch like that
    0:43:54 and you can go get actually like contracts
    0:43:55 with people who are willing to pay more, right?
    0:43:57 So simple rule of business is,
    0:43:58 sell to the people who have money.
    0:44:01 Dude, I wanna see you give like a speech,
    0:44:03 like a waffle wall street where it just like ends
    0:44:07 with like sign on the dotted line for Christ.
    0:44:07 You know what I mean?
    0:44:10 Like I wanna see him like pitch these hard.
    0:44:13 Yeah, actually that is one piece of advice I’d give you,
    0:44:15 which is that, look, this probably won’t be
    0:44:17 your last business.
    0:44:18 This is the first business.
    0:44:19 This is your starter business
    0:44:21 and you’re gonna learn a whole bunch.
    0:44:24 You’re gonna get more value out of the story you’re creating
    0:44:26 than the cookies that you sell.
    0:44:28 My first business was a sushi business.
    0:44:32 We probably made, I don’t know, $14,000 of profit
    0:44:33 in the one year of operations
    0:44:35 that we were working on that thing.
    0:44:38 But the story that I told about how we cold called
    0:44:41 a food network chef and how I went door to door
    0:44:44 selling sushi, how we, you know, reverse engineer
    0:44:46 the POS systems to figure out all the sales
    0:44:49 of all Chipotle stores in the Colorado area.
    0:44:52 Those stories got me bigger and bigger opportunities
    0:44:53 as I went.
    0:44:54 They got me speaking opportunities.
    0:44:56 They got me into accelerators.
    0:44:57 They got me other doors open.
    0:45:01 And so one tip for you is while you sell the cookies,
    0:45:03 you should be building the story.
    0:45:05 So the story of, yeah, I went into the car dealership
    0:45:07 and I gave a talk called how you can increase sales
    0:45:09 by 600% like me.
    0:45:11 And I talked to the car salesman about the rule
    0:45:15 of reciprocity and how they became customers of my cookies.
    0:45:17 Even if it’s not a lot of cookies, it’s an awesome story.
    0:45:19 And putting yourself in those positions will build
    0:45:20 your skill and build your story,
    0:45:22 which ultimately is going to be a lot more valuable
    0:45:24 than the cookies that you sell, I believe.
    0:45:29 – New York City founders, if you’ve listened
    0:45:30 to my first million before, you know,
    0:45:31 I’ve got this company called Hampton.
    0:45:34 And Hampton is a community for founders and CEOs.
    0:45:36 But a lot of the stories and ideas that I get
    0:45:39 for this podcast, I actually got it from people
    0:45:40 who I met in Hampton.
    0:45:42 We have this big community of a thousand plus people
    0:45:43 and it’s amazing.
    0:45:46 But the main part is this eight person core group
    0:45:47 that becomes your board of advisors for your life
    0:45:50 and for your business and it’s life changing.
    0:45:52 Now, to the folks in New York City,
    0:45:56 I’m building a in real life core group in New York City.
    0:45:59 And so if you meet one of the following criteria,
    0:46:01 your business either does three million in revenue
    0:46:03 or you’ve raised three million in funding
    0:46:04 or you’ve started and sold the company
    0:46:08 for at least $10 million, then you are eligible to apply.
    0:46:11 So go to joinhampton.com and apply.
    0:46:13 I’m gonna be reviewing all of the applications myself.
    0:46:16 So put that you heard about this on MFM.
    0:46:17 So I know to give you a little extra love.
    0:46:19 Now, back to the show.
    0:46:23 – Okay, yeah, that sounds really great.
    0:46:25 And definitely for the car dealership,
    0:46:27 that’s a great thing to put in mind for me.
    0:46:29 Even though I have these suppliers,
    0:46:31 I think it’s good to start advancing
    0:46:32 and thinking about more places to sell.
    0:46:35 So I think that’s really helpful advice, yeah.
    0:46:38 – All right, thank you, man.
    0:46:40 You’re killing it, keep going.
    0:46:43 Just, it’s amazing how far you are at 14.
    0:46:47 All right, next, Abigail, where you at, Abigail?
    0:46:48 – Hi.
    0:46:50 – Where are you from?
    0:46:52 – I’m from Odessa, Missouri.
    0:46:55 – Oh, nice, I’m from Missouri too.
    0:46:59 Hey, Sean, I posted Abigail’s Instagram.
    0:47:00 I want you to click it.
    0:47:02 And I want you to look at what her hobby is.
    0:47:04 So scroll down, you’re gonna see like,
    0:47:05 it looks like some prom photos,
    0:47:07 but keep on scrolling down.
    0:47:10 And you’re gonna see that in her free time,
    0:47:11 she’s a race car driver.
    0:47:13 – What?
    0:47:15 – Yes.
    0:47:16 – Okay, triple threat.
    0:47:17 – Yeah.
    0:47:20 – Student, entrepreneur, Sprint car driver.
    0:47:24 How did she get into that, Abigail?
    0:47:26 – So actually I’m a third generation Sprint car driver.
    0:47:30 So my grandpa drove race cars,
    0:47:31 and my dad has driven race cars.
    0:47:34 And then I kind of just passed it on down to me.
    0:47:36 – That is awesome.
    0:47:38 – Amazing.
    0:47:39 – Okay, so Abigail,
    0:47:42 how old are you and what’s your business?
    0:47:45 – I am a senior at Odessa High School.
    0:47:46 I’m 17 years old,
    0:47:49 and my business is growing and selling chrysanthemums.
    0:47:51 So like mums, which is like something you’d put
    0:47:56 on your front porch during like the fall season in Halloween.
    0:47:58 So that’s what I do right now.
    0:47:59 My business is two years old.
    0:48:02 Last year I made 15, or this past summer,
    0:48:05 I guess I made 15,000 in revenue.
    0:48:07 And this year I expect to grow by 100%
    0:48:10 and aim to do at least 30,000 in revenue.
    0:48:13 – God damn.
    0:48:14 Okay, so explain us the business.
    0:48:16 So where do the flowers come from?
    0:48:17 Who do you sell them to?
    0:48:21 – So how my business works is I actually order the mums,
    0:48:24 which we call plugs, ’cause they’re like about this big.
    0:48:27 And I order them from a company in North Carolina.
    0:48:31 I also have to order fertilizer
    0:48:35 so we can make sure the plants get nutrients
    0:48:36 that they need.
    0:48:39 I have to order the soil and then the pots for it.
    0:48:41 So that all goes into the price for the mums.
    0:48:43 And then we have about a two week long process
    0:48:45 of putting it all together
    0:48:46 ’cause we have to mix the soil.
    0:48:48 And then we put them into color blocks
    0:48:51 and then put the mums in the color block.
    0:48:54 It’s a really, really long and tedious process.
    0:48:58 And then we put them on our, what we call runs.
    0:49:01 And they’re like big tarps with watering lines.
    0:49:04 And for the next like three to four months,
    0:49:06 I spend watering.
    0:49:08 And then after it’s, they’re ready to go
    0:49:10 and they’re fertilized and watered.
    0:49:13 And they’re grown to about as big as they can get.
    0:49:17 We market them to schools and fundraisers.
    0:49:20 And I also do retail at my own house.
    0:49:23 So I try to post that on social media
    0:49:26 and try to hand out flyers to like local towns
    0:49:28 and post them at local businesses.
    0:49:31 – Wow, that is a lot of work.
    0:49:35 I’m looking at this picture, which is just like a field
    0:49:37 or like these like long, long rows
    0:49:40 of these potted plants with the watering system.
    0:49:41 Is this, where do you do this?
    0:49:43 Is this your backyard or what is going on?
    0:49:46 – So I live on 40 acres.
    0:49:51 And about 30 acres is leased out for farmland.
    0:49:55 And the rest of it is for my mums pretty much.
    0:49:57 So anywhere we can put them on the yard,
    0:49:59 we pretty much put them there.
    0:50:02 And right now we’re in the process of building a greenhouse.
    0:50:04 So from my profit with my mums,
    0:50:06 I’ve been able to buy a greenhouse
    0:50:09 so that I can have a place to start my mums.
    0:50:11 And also a greenhouse is a good place to have
    0:50:14 a steady revenue for the other six months out of the year
    0:50:16 where I’m not growing mums.
    0:50:17 – So you, sorry.
    0:50:19 So I missed the part of you you’re selling.
    0:50:22 So you’re selling to, you said school fundraisers,
    0:50:25 businesses, and you’re handing out flyers, you said.
    0:50:27 So who’s the core customer?
    0:50:29 Who’s the main customer?
    0:50:32 – So right now we’re trying to do wholesale
    0:50:35 as our core customer so that it’s like,
    0:50:37 what we do is I’m in FFA.
    0:50:39 So FFA chapters will sell it for a fundraiser.
    0:50:41 – Shawn doesn’t know what the FFA is.
    0:50:43 You gotta spell this out.
    0:50:48 – Okay, so FFA used to stand for Future Farmers of America
    0:50:50 but we’ve kind of veered away from that
    0:50:53 because we don’t want it to be the stereotypical
    0:50:56 about cows and like farming.
    0:50:58 What we really do right now is we promote youth
    0:51:01 in agriculture and leadership in agriculture.
    0:51:03 And we’re pretty much growing the next generation
    0:51:04 of agriculture at least.
    0:51:09 – So Shawn, if you grew up in a more rural environment,
    0:51:12 if you’re in high school, like you kind of by default
    0:51:14 joined the FFA, there’s millions and millions
    0:51:15 and millions of members.
    0:51:17 And it was kind of like a thing, like instead of boy scouts
    0:51:19 or girl scouts, maybe not instead of,
    0:51:21 but it’s similar to that in rural areas.
    0:51:24 You join the FFA and you get like your FFA jacket
    0:51:26 and they’re like pretty, they’re pretty famous.
    0:51:27 – What do you do once you join?
    0:51:29 You go out and-
    0:51:33 – So for me, I currently serve as my local chapter president
    0:51:34 in area six Sentinel
    0:51:38 and I’m running for a Missouri FFA state office.
    0:51:43 So what I really do is I do public speaking events
    0:51:44 and stuff like that.
    0:51:47 So it’s really shaped me into who I am
    0:51:50 because right now talking to you like I’m not nervous
    0:51:52 and I know that my freshman year,
    0:51:53 I would have been completely nervous
    0:51:55 ’cause I never did public speaking.
    0:51:58 And it kind of just shapes you to get those like life skills
    0:52:00 that you need in the long run.
    0:52:03 – Okay, college acceptance letter.
    0:52:06 All right, that was a great, great essay.
    0:52:09 So you, okay, so sorry.
    0:52:11 So you said your core customers wholesale.
    0:52:11 What does that mean?
    0:52:13 Who’s the buyer?
    0:52:15 – So right now we’re trying to do contracts
    0:52:19 with like hardware stores around us.
    0:52:24 So we have a couple like hometown kind of hardware stores
    0:52:27 and then some bigger ones that are all across Missouri.
    0:52:30 And right now we’re just kind of focused on Missouri
    0:52:33 because delivering my product
    0:52:34 is kind of one of the hardest parts.
    0:52:37 So we actually get to use my Sprint car trailer
    0:52:38 to deliver all of the mums.
    0:52:43 So that’s kind of funny how it clashes.
    0:52:46 – And how much profit did you do?
    0:52:49 – This last year we did 15,000.
    0:52:52 – And you did 15,000 in revenue, I thought you said.
    0:52:53 – Yeah.
    0:52:54 – How much in profit?
    0:52:59 – So our profit was about, I think seven to eight.
    0:53:02 – Wow, all right, that’s good.
    0:53:05 – Just because of like each year it fluctuates
    0:53:06 like how much the soil is gonna cost
    0:53:08 or how much the pots are gonna cost.
    0:53:13 And really our big cost this year was making those runs.
    0:53:14 And now we already have those.
    0:53:16 So it’s something that we can pack away
    0:53:18 for like the fall and the winter time.
    0:53:19 And then we can put them out next year
    0:53:22 and that’s another cost we don’t have to pay for.
    0:53:24 – So Abigail, let me ask you a question.
    0:53:28 If you wanted to sell 10 times more mums,
    0:53:29 how would you do that?
    0:53:32 Like not, you said you’re gonna double your sales.
    0:53:35 What if you wanted to go 10 times bigger, what would you do?
    0:53:38 – I think that right now that’s kind of what I’m like.
    0:53:42 My question to you guys was gonna be just because
    0:53:44 I like to do the wholesale part of it,
    0:53:46 but I also know that I can’t grow
    0:53:49 how much I wanna grow just doing wholesale.
    0:53:51 But I think really right now my biggest thing
    0:53:55 is going to be just getting my company out there
    0:53:58 and like promoting it better to other companies
    0:54:01 so that they would possibly sign a contract for us
    0:54:02 so we can have that fixed amount
    0:54:04 that we’re gonna sell to them.
    0:54:06 – Like, you know, I went to Farmcon,
    0:54:09 which was this conference that Santa told me about.
    0:54:12 It was actually in Kansas City.
    0:54:14 And, you know, there was like 5,000 people there.
    0:54:15 They’re all farmers.
    0:54:18 If they had heard your story on stage,
    0:54:20 I think a lot of people would have handed you a card
    0:54:21 and said, hey, let me know how I can help.
    0:54:23 Love what you’re doing.
    0:54:28 I’m so excited that somebody in this next generation
    0:54:30 is excited about agriculture.
    0:54:31 It’s great to see it.
    0:54:32 I wanna support that.
    0:54:33 I think there’s a lot of that goodwill.
    0:54:37 And I wonder if maybe the faster way to 10x your sales
    0:54:42 would be like who’s the CEO of whatever Home Depot
    0:54:45 or whatever the whole sale story is
    0:54:46 that’s gonna carry your stuff.
    0:54:47 – Or Ace Hardware or something like that.
    0:54:47 – Ace Hardware.
    0:54:50 Like how do you go to them and be like,
    0:54:53 hey, I wanna be in your store.
    0:54:54 Like that is my goal.
    0:54:56 That is my dream.
    0:54:58 And I wanna get my moms on your shelves.
    0:54:59 How do I make that happen?
    0:55:03 And you just, I think if you hustled more to the top,
    0:55:06 you could actually get more growth faster
    0:55:07 than going bottoms up in this case
    0:55:10 because your story is your asset, right?
    0:55:12 Yeah, the flowers might be great,
    0:55:13 but your story is the real differentiator.
    0:55:16 How many other people are there with your story?
    0:55:17 This is zero.
    0:55:20 And so how are you using your story
    0:55:21 to unlock the growth is what I would be doing.
    0:55:24 Whether it’s telling your own story on TikTok,
    0:55:27 it’s getting on stage at places like FarmCon
    0:55:30 or the FFA annual, whatever event.
    0:55:34 Or it’s getting that sending cold emails every single day
    0:55:39 to the CEOs of all of the major distributors or retailers
    0:55:40 until one of them takes your meeting
    0:55:42 and puts you on their shelves.
    0:55:44 If you listened, we did this episode with Nick Mowbray.
    0:55:46 He was this guy in New Zealand,
    0:55:49 literally like on the other side of the earth
    0:55:51 making toys by himself.
    0:55:54 And he was like, I emailed every retailer
    0:55:57 in every country, every single day.
    0:55:58 And he’s like, I just kept doing that
    0:55:59 until they finally cracked.
    0:56:01 And they would tell me, no, I’m not interested,
    0:56:02 not interested.
    0:56:02 And one day they would be like,
    0:56:05 can I see a sample or hey, are you gonna be at that show?
    0:56:06 I’m going to the show.
    0:56:08 If you’re there, I’ll take 15 minutes to meet with you.
    0:56:10 And he would fly there and make it happen.
    0:56:12 And I think if you 10X your approach
    0:56:15 towards getting the major distributor,
    0:56:18 I think you might leapfrog into a much bigger space.
    0:56:19 Because otherwise, the way you describe this,
    0:56:22 like I’m tired just hearing how you grow these things.
    0:56:26 Like it is so much work to just get the product made
    0:56:30 that I feel like you, it’s only worth doing that
    0:56:32 if you’re going to be able to have like,
    0:56:35 land some like major sales versus then it’s also
    0:56:37 double the work to go sell to every school
    0:56:39 for a fundraiser and mom and pops.
    0:56:41 I think that’s just like too much work.
    0:56:43 – There’s also, for all you all,
    0:56:45 there’s a small window that you have
    0:56:47 where you’re like this prodigy.
    0:56:49 – Young and lovable.
    0:56:50 – Yeah, that’s gonna go away.
    0:56:55 But you’ve got this like two to maybe six year window
    0:57:00 where you being pestering, that’s just cute and awesome.
    0:57:02 And then in a few years, it’s gonna be annoying and weird.
    0:57:07 And so while that window is open, take it, you know,
    0:57:09 take that opportunity.
    0:57:12 – We have a friend who was 18 and they got written up
    0:57:15 in Tech Crunch as like the young hotshot prodigy.
    0:57:18 He’s 23 now and he’s like, he feels washed up.
    0:57:20 He’s like, I can’t use my store.
    0:57:22 Like my entire stick was that I was young.
    0:57:25 He’s like, nobody wants to hear about a 23 year old prodigy.
    0:57:28 There’s no such thing and you’re not a phenom anymore.
    0:57:30 – Yeah, it’s like a blind painter, you know?
    0:57:33 Like you got to use everything you can use that story.
    0:57:36 Like, you know, you can get away with a lot right now.
    0:57:38 And the same stuff that you’re gonna be able
    0:57:41 to get away with now, you’re not going to be in the future.
    0:57:44 And so I would definitely do exactly as Sean’s saying,
    0:57:47 which is go hard on going to the top.
    0:57:52 And you’re not really annoying when you’re 18 doing this.
    0:57:54 – Yeah, Abigail, in the next 30 days,
    0:57:56 do you think you could get a meeting with the CEO
    0:57:59 of either Ace Hardware or Home Depot?
    0:58:01 – I think, I don’t know.
    0:58:04 I think that that is something that like,
    0:58:05 just sounds crazy to me.
    0:58:08 Like I feel like I probably could just because
    0:58:12 I’d like to say I’m a very well-spoken person
    0:58:14 and very like good with my words.
    0:58:18 But right now I just have like a lot of other things going on.
    0:58:21 So it’s hard to like focus all of my time on my business
    0:58:23 ’cause I am a senior this year.
    0:58:26 So that’s just like kind of hard.
    0:58:29 – That’s the only time I think that this excuse is valid.
    0:58:31 I would say, okay, that is the only time
    0:58:33 that I will accept that excuse.
    0:58:34 I want to give everyone listening
    0:58:37 and you guys a little bit of feedback that I learned
    0:58:38 when I was a little bit younger,
    0:58:41 which is the most powerful people on earth
    0:58:43 are one cold email away.
    0:58:46 And because of email and because of Instagram,
    0:58:47 which you guys have grown up on
    0:58:50 and everything else on social media,
    0:58:53 you would be shocked at how small the world is.
    0:58:56 And it sounds insane to say,
    0:58:59 email the CEO of this large billion dollar plus
    0:59:01 multi tens of billions of dollar company.
    0:59:02 That sounds insane.
    0:59:04 But I think that you are literally,
    0:59:05 I wouldn’t say one email.
    0:59:09 I would say your one email and 20 follow-ups away
    0:59:12 from just about everyone on earth.
    0:59:14 And there’s been times where we,
    0:59:16 I even emailed them, jeff@amazon.com.
    0:59:18 And I think I followed up like 20 times
    0:59:20 and I gotta know thank you.
    0:59:24 But it’s just proof that you are much closer
    0:59:26 than you think to just about every single person
    0:59:30 you wanna reach, particularly some type of executive.
    0:59:31 – All right, I’m gonna show you something
    0:59:34 real quick Abigail before fifth period starts here.
    0:59:36 So just check this out.
    0:59:38 All right, there’s this guy on Twitter right now.
    0:59:41 His name’s Sonith, he’s Twitter handle Sonith.
    0:59:42 He’s building ZFellows,
    0:59:44 which is another young student program.
    0:59:45 I think it’s a Stanford.
    0:59:47 But just check out this.
    0:59:49 There’s a cold email that my friend Niko,
    0:59:51 who’s now a famous venture capitalist.
    0:59:53 He invests in Snapchat really early on.
    0:59:55 Again, off a cold email.
    0:59:56 Okay, you might not be able to read this.
    0:59:56 I’ll read it to you.
    0:59:59 It’s him emailing Elon Musk.
    1:00:02 Okay, so I’m giving you the CEO of Home Depot
    1:00:03 and Ace Hardware.
    1:00:05 This guy emailed Elon Musk and he goes,
    1:00:08 “Dear Mr. Musk, Ace says I’m a graduate student
    1:00:10 “at Stanford and taking this class, blah, blah, blah.
    1:00:12 “I’m writing a paper about Tesla strategy
    1:00:14 “because I think you’re such an innovative company
    1:00:17 “and we’re gonna put together our recommendations
    1:00:19 “on the future of your corporate strategy.
    1:00:21 “Since you’re the chairman of Tesla,
    1:00:22 “I thought it’d be great if we could do a short interview
    1:00:25 “with you in person over the next few weeks
    1:00:26 “to talk about your strategy.
    1:00:28 “I’m aware that you receive dozens of similar requests
    1:00:29 “on a daily basis.
    1:00:30 “That’s why I’ll do my best to make this
    1:00:32 “not only useful but an entertaining experience
    1:00:34 “for you and your company’s execs.
    1:00:35 “Hopefully we’re able to contribute
    1:00:36 “first-class recommendations.
    1:00:38 “I’m happy to sign an NDA, blah, blah, blah.
    1:00:39 “I look forward to hearing from you.
    1:00:40 “I would be grateful if you would participate
    1:00:41 “in our research.”
    1:00:43 Niko, and then Elon writes back,
    1:00:44 “Okay, if you can limit the meeting to 20 minutes
    1:00:46 “or schedule for late in the evening.”
    1:00:48 And this was Niko as a student.
    1:00:50 There’s another email of him.
    1:00:51 – By the way, that’s not even a good email.
    1:00:52 That’s not even a good email.
    1:00:54 – That was not, and let me show you another one.
    1:00:55 I just saw it literally today.
    1:00:56 So the cool thing about following this guy Twitter
    1:01:00 is every day he’s tweeting out us cold emails somebody sent.
    1:01:02 So this is Corey Levy who runs ZFellows now.
    1:01:04 He’s, so this is him emailing Andy Roddick,
    1:01:05 the tennis player’s mom.
    1:01:07 So he’s not Andy Roddick, his mom.
    1:01:08 So he finds his mom’s email address
    1:01:10 and he goes, “Dear Mrs. Roddick.”
    1:01:13 Because as you already know from my previous emails,
    1:01:15 my name is Corey Levy from Houston, Texas.
    1:01:19 I’m 12 turning 13 and I’m a big fan of your son Andy.
    1:01:20 I know Andy’s playing this tournament in Houston.
    1:01:22 I was wondering if I could meet him
    1:01:23 or hit with him before.
    1:01:25 I’ve been dying to hit with him for the last two years.
    1:01:27 Please email me back, Corey.
    1:01:29 And then she says, “Corey, thanks for the note.
    1:01:30 Andy’s gonna be at Houston.
    1:01:32 As the tournament gets closer, reach out again.
    1:01:34 I’ll definitely make arrangements for you to meet him.
    1:01:36 Can’t promise you’ll hit with him, but I’ll try.
    1:01:37 Please keep a touch and keep playing tennis.
    1:01:39 It’s a great sport.”
    1:01:41 – Turns out Corey was like 34 when he wrote that email though.
    1:01:43 So it was kind of weird when he showed up.
    1:01:44 (laughing)
    1:01:46 – He’s still got a baby face actually.
    1:01:48 So Abigail, I say all that to say this,
    1:01:50 which is one, you should follow this guy.
    1:01:53 Cause if you see every day a cold email that works,
    1:01:57 it’ll go from that sounds crazy to this is perfectly normal.
    1:01:58 And that’s one of the reasons probably people
    1:01:59 should listen to this podcast.
    1:02:00 It’s one of the reasons why you should follow people
    1:02:01 on Twitter who are inspiring.
    1:02:04 Cause they will make the crazy seem normal.
    1:02:05 And that’s all you need is to delude yourself
    1:02:08 into believing it’s normal to actually make it happen.
    1:02:10 The second thing I’ll say is you describe the process
    1:02:15 of like a multi month potting and moving and arranging
    1:02:18 and watering and kissing and touching the flowers
    1:02:20 to make them all work.
    1:02:21 And then I was like, hey, can you send a cold email?
    1:02:24 And he’s like, I don’t know, I got a lot of class coming up.
    1:02:26 So I challenge you, which is I think this email
    1:02:28 is going to be the least of your worries.
    1:02:30 I think sending a cold email every day will take you
    1:02:32 literally no, no more than 10 minutes.
    1:02:33 And I think you’ve got that 10 minutes.
    1:02:36 I think so because you just showed me your 10 acre farm
    1:02:37 you’re doing by yourself.
    1:02:42 So, so what happens is that familiar work feels comfortable
    1:02:46 and feels easy, unfamiliar work feels hard.
    1:02:47 And you sort of talk yourself out of it.
    1:02:49 You tell yourself a story about why it’s your senior year.
    1:02:50 You don’t have time.
    1:02:52 In reality, the thing I’m telling you is a lot easier
    1:02:53 than the stuff you already do it.
    1:02:55 So that’s my challenge to you,
    1:02:56 whether you choose to accept it.
    1:02:59 Pick 100 people who you want to reach, okay?
    1:03:03 Spend only 30 minutes a day for the next month
    1:03:06 and follow up with each of them 10 times
    1:03:08 until they say no thank you or yes.
    1:03:11 And your reply rate, if you’re any interesting
    1:03:13 or any good is going to be about 10%.
    1:03:15 So most everyone’s going to say no or not going to reply,
    1:03:18 but I promise you 10% out of 100 is going to be awesome.
    1:03:20 It’s going to change your life.
    1:03:23 – One more thing, go Google Sampar cold email.
    1:03:25 Go read Sam’s cold emails he sent
    1:03:28 to recruit speakers to HustleCon.
    1:03:30 This like, you know, random conference that he was starting
    1:03:32 and the follow-ups is where the magic is.
    1:03:33 So there’s the initial email,
    1:03:36 which a few brave people are willing to do.
    1:03:38 Then there’s the four follow-ups that Sam was sending
    1:03:39 that nobody’s willing to do.
    1:03:41 I would go read those.
    1:03:44 The other thing is there’s a great story of Tim Ferriss.
    1:03:46 Abigail, do you know Tim Ferriss?
    1:03:47 – I don’t believe so.
    1:03:49 – Wow, that’s amazing.
    1:03:50 She knows us, she doesn’t know Tim Ferriss.
    1:03:51 Holy shit.
    1:03:54 – Dude, our heroes are their grandparents.
    1:03:55 You know what I mean?
    1:03:58 – All right, so Tim has this great source.
    1:04:00 Tim wrote this book called “The Four Hour Workweek”
    1:04:01 and he’s this great guy who’s going to read podcasts.
    1:04:04 So he has a story where he went
    1:04:05 to a Stanford Business School course
    1:04:07 and he offered a challenge.
    1:04:10 He said, “I will give a round the world ticket.”
    1:04:12 So an all expense paid round the world plane ticket
    1:04:16 to anybody here who can get in touch with the,
    1:04:18 whoever could cold email and get in touch
    1:04:21 with the highest kind of most hard to reach person.
    1:04:24 So the whole class reach out to whoever you want,
    1:04:25 whoever gets the person highest on the food shade
    1:04:27 gets around the world ticket.
    1:04:31 And he, by the end of the class,
    1:04:32 I’ll butcher the exact story, you can go read it,
    1:04:36 but by the end of the class, he’s like, okay,
    1:04:38 so who got who?
    1:04:41 And I think one person got like, I don’t know,
    1:04:42 Bill Clinton or something like that.
    1:04:43 And he’s like, oh, amazing.
    1:04:44 Who else did other people get?
    1:04:47 And most people, like, I think of the class,
    1:04:49 only four or five people got anybody.
    1:04:51 And he asked, he’s like, what was the difference?
    1:04:52 Was it your cold email script?
    1:04:54 And it was basically that like 85% of the class,
    1:04:56 90% of the class didn’t even try.
    1:04:58 They just perceived it to be too hard.
    1:05:00 Anybody that tried reached somebody.
    1:05:02 And then within that group of people,
    1:05:04 some people literally reached like a former sitting president.
    1:05:07 And so I think that there’s a lesson in there,
    1:05:09 which is that like most people just won’t even try.
    1:05:11 And this is something that sounds hard,
    1:05:12 but it’s actually not that hard,
    1:05:15 especially when you have your type of story.
    1:05:17 I think it will actually be trivially easy for you.
    1:05:18 You’ll be surprised.
    1:05:21 The CEO of Ace Hardware, if you emailed him,
    1:05:23 you will be the most interesting email he got that day.
    1:05:24 ‘Cause guess what?
    1:05:27 There’s not a lot of other 18 year old Spritcar drivers,
    1:05:29 young entrepreneurs who are selling,
    1:05:31 or who are interested in agriculture,
    1:05:32 who are actually out there doing it
    1:05:34 and not even just talking about it.
    1:05:36 There’s only a couple and nobody’s emailing him.
    1:05:39 So I think it’s gonna be a lot easier than you think.
    1:05:40 – It’s something I’ll definitely give it,
    1:05:42 have to give it a try.
    1:05:44 – All right.
    1:05:45 I’ll take that.
    1:05:46 – Hey, thank you.
    1:05:47 – Thank you.
    1:05:49 – You’re fantastic.
    1:05:51 – I’m gonna keep cold email you every day
    1:05:53 until you cold email them, all right?
    1:05:54 I think that’s so far enough.
    1:05:56 – That’s okay, it’d be a good reminder.
    1:05:58 – And you’ll have to invite us to Odessa.
    1:05:59 I wanna watch one of your races.
    1:06:00 I wanna drive the damn thing.
    1:06:01 – No, definitely.
    1:06:02 Definitely.
    1:06:04 Did you say you’re from Missouri?
    1:06:05 – I’m from St. Louis.
    1:06:06 Yeah, I’m from St. Louis.
    1:06:07 – You’re from St. Louis.
    1:06:08 Yeah, I’m from Odessa,
    1:06:12 which is just a little bit east of Kansas City.
    1:06:14 – Yeah, where a lot of people,
    1:06:16 like if you told Sean that he wouldn’t know anything,
    1:06:19 but the difference between KC and St. Louis
    1:06:20 is like LA and SF, Sean.
    1:06:21 So not that similar.
    1:06:23 – Yeah, pretty much.
    1:06:25 – But all right, who we got next?
    1:06:28 – By the way, Recap, Abigail, shoot your shot,
    1:06:31 cold email, use your story to go to the top
    1:06:32 and think about how you could 10X your business
    1:06:33 instead of twoX your business.
    1:06:35 – And follow up until you die.
    1:06:36 – Yeah.
    1:06:38 Sam cold emailed his way out of Missouri and you can too.
    1:06:39 All right.
    1:06:41 (laughing)
    1:06:43 – Anand, thank you for bringing these folks to us.
    1:06:45 – Yeah, absolutely.
    1:06:47 Let me just plug real quick.
    1:06:48 March 14th is our next deadline.
    1:06:51 So for mittablefellowship.org.
    1:06:53 And I think for just generally,
    1:06:56 this has given me like an amazing amount of hope
    1:06:57 in like the next generation.
    1:06:59 ‘Cause I think the stories you hear,
    1:07:01 like, you know, everybody’s just scrolling away on TikTok,
    1:07:03 ruining, wasting away their life.
    1:07:05 And like we see honestly hundreds
    1:07:06 of like amazing young people.
    1:07:07 You met just three of them today.
    1:07:11 So yeah, so, you know, if you’d like what these guys do,
    1:07:15 please support them by cookies, by mums.
    1:07:17 – Are you just doing good in the world now?
    1:07:18 Is that what’s happened?
    1:07:19 You’re just doing good?
    1:07:22 – No, I mean, no, this is, I mean, this is fun.
    1:07:23 This is a lot of fun.
    1:07:26 – Well, he puts a lot of wind in my sails.
    1:07:28 – He put up about 500 grand or something
    1:07:29 of you and your partner’s money.
    1:07:30 – That’s what I’m saying.
    1:07:31 He’s just doing good.
    1:07:32 This is amazing.
    1:07:32 – Yeah, we did.
    1:07:33 – It’s called the second mountain.
    1:07:34 This is what you do.
    1:07:35 When you–
    1:07:38 – We got 700 grand with donations now.
    1:07:39 So I mean, we got lots of money for grants.
    1:07:41 So if there’s young entrepreneurs,
    1:07:43 if parents are hearing this, you know,
    1:07:45 we’ve had a lot of parents who’ve reached out saying,
    1:07:47 this inspired their kids to start a business.
    1:07:50 So hopefully we’ll see them in six or 12 months.
    1:07:52 So yeah, and I mean, it’s pretty dope,
    1:07:54 like what has started to happen.
    1:07:55 And we’re only four and a half months in.
    1:07:57 So we’re still super loving.
    1:07:58 – Sean, why aren’t you doing this?
    1:07:59 That’s a great question.
    1:08:00 That’s what I’m asking myself.
    1:08:02 This is amazing.
    1:08:04 – All right, Sean, there’s a few of these.
    1:08:06 – We can just join us, Sean.
    1:08:06 It’s all right.
    1:08:07 All the infrastructure is set up.
    1:08:08 That took the longest.
    1:08:09 So just–
    1:08:10 – Do you need like a hype man?
    1:08:11 ‘Cause that’s kind of my skill.
    1:08:12 – Yeah, here we go.
    1:08:13 – I don’t really have much else, but.
    1:08:15 – Yeah, yeah, we need a hype man for sure.
    1:08:16 (laughing)
    1:08:18 So no, but these guys, you know, these guys are great.
    1:08:21 You know, if you need to buy mom’s cookies,
    1:08:24 you need your, you know, you want your home beautified
    1:08:25 and to protect that asset.
    1:08:28 As Lincoln said, you know where to go.
    1:08:30 – Dude, it’s also awesome not to hear about AI.
    1:08:31 Do you know what I mean?
    1:08:33 Like, which is great, which is great.
    1:08:36 But like, it’s like, you know,
    1:08:37 these guys are actually doing the damn thing,
    1:08:40 like in real life and it sounds awesome
    1:08:42 to hear different stuff.
    1:08:43 – Yeah, I think the other thing,
    1:08:46 we have like a podcast with these guys called Future Titans
    1:08:48 and like Ion goes through a story of like emailing
    1:08:51 and going door to door like a hundred times
    1:08:53 and getting rejected, right?
    1:08:56 And so I think like the things that they learn
    1:08:58 out of building their businesses are phenomenal.
    1:09:02 You know, Abigail walks through this like horticulture issue
    1:09:04 which is like way above my pay grade
    1:09:06 where like the moms were getting over watered in one area
    1:09:09 and like just the problem solving they’re doing
    1:09:12 is unreal compared to like anything they might do
    1:09:13 like in an academic setting.
    1:09:16 So yeah, no, it’s super.
    1:09:18 – I’m gonna send you guys a copy of our boy Nick,
    1:09:20 the Huber’s book, the sweaty startup.
    1:09:22 How to get rich doing boring things
    1:09:23 ’cause you guys are all doing sweaty startups.
    1:09:24 This is great.
    1:09:26 I’ll send you guys, get us your addresses.
    1:09:27 I’ll send you guys a copy.
    1:09:30 – And thanks for coming to guys.
    1:09:34 You’re way ahead of the curve and you know, we’ll joke
    1:09:36 and we’ll tease you guys and give you hard time
    1:09:38 but you’re doing amazing stuff
    1:09:40 and I hope you’re proud of yourselves
    1:09:41 and thanks for coming on the pod.
    1:09:42 All right, that’s it.
    1:09:44 ♪ I feel like I can rule the world ♪
    1:09:47 ♪ I know I could be what I want to ♪
    1:09:49 ♪ I put my all in it like no days off ♪
    1:09:52 ♪ On a road let’s travel never looking back ♪
    1:10:02 [BLANK_AUDIO]

    Episode 682: Sam Parr ( https://x.com/theSamParr ) and Shaan Puri ( https://x.com/ShaanVP ) talk to three high school founders about their biggest business problems.  

    Show Notes: 

    (0:00) Intro

    (5:02) Sunshine Exteriors

    (29:16) Teens2Table

    (45:53) Totally Mums

    Links:

    • Formidable Fellows – http://formidablefellowship.org/ 

    • Sunshine Exteriors – https://www.hhpressurecleanings.com/ 

    • Teens2Table – https://www.teens2table.com/ 

    • Totally Mums – https://www.instagram.com/abigayle_lett 

    • “Getting Everything You Can Out of Everything You’ve Got” – https://tinyurl.com/4rb9z8jd 

    • How to Cold Email Like a Boss – https://copywritingcourse.com/heres-how-to-cold-email-like-a-boss/ 

    • Gary Halbert Letter – https://swiped.co/file/famous-dollar-letter-by-gary-halbert/ 

    • Sonith on X – https://x.com/sonith__/highlights 

    • NextDoor – https://nextdoor.com/ 

    • 1-800-Got-Junk – https://www.1800gotjunk.com/ 

    • “The Sweaty Startup” – https://tinyurl.com/2eftpkv6 

    • Quiet Light Brokerage – https://quietlight.com/ 

    • Future Titans – https://www.youtube.com/@future_titans 

    Check Out Shaan’s Stuff:

    Need to hire? You should use the same service Shaan uses to hire developers, designers, & Virtual Assistants → it’s called Shepherd (tell ‘em Shaan sent you): https://bit.ly/SupportShepherd

    Check Out Sam’s Stuff:

    • Hampton – https://www.joinhampton.com/

    • Ideation Bootcamp – https://www.ideationbootcamp.co/

    • Copy That – https://copythat.com

    • Hampton Wealth Survey – https://joinhampton.com/wealth

    • Sam’s List – http://samslist.co/

    My First Million is a HubSpot Original Podcast // Brought to you by The HubSpot Podcast Network // Production by Arie Desormeaux // Editing by Ezra Bakker Trupiano

  • How to change your personality

    AI transcript
    0:00:01 [MUSIC PLAYING]
    0:00:05 Support for the gray area comes from Atio.
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    0:00:44 Thumbtack presents the ins and outs of caring for your home.
    0:00:48 Out, indecision, overthinking, second guessing,
    0:00:50 every choice you make.
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    0:01:06 In, knowing what to do, when to do it, and who to hire.
    0:01:09 Start caring for your home with confidence.
    0:01:11 Download Thumbtack today.
    0:01:18 I think all of us, at some point,
    0:01:21 have wondered why we are the way we are.
    0:01:24 Maybe you’re a little neurotic, a worrier,
    0:01:28 or maybe you’re a tad abrasive, confrontational,
    0:01:30 or a bit evasive.
    0:01:32 Maybe you don’t think enough about others,
    0:01:35 or maybe you do, but just a little too much.
    0:01:38 We see our faults as faults.
    0:01:41 But aren’t they really just our personalities?
    0:01:43 And what is that exactly?
    0:01:45 A personality.
    0:01:46 Is it something we’re born with?
    0:01:49 Does it shift over time?
    0:01:51 Can we think and act our way into being a different and,
    0:01:53 hopefully, better person?
    0:01:59 I’m Sean Elling, and this is “The Gray Area.”
    0:02:07 Today’s guest is Olga Hazan.
    0:02:08 She’s a staff writer at The Atlantic
    0:02:11 and the author of the book “Me But Better–
    0:02:14 The Science and Promise of Personality Change.”
    0:02:17 The book is a joy to read, full of ideas,
    0:02:19 but also personal in the sense that Olga documents
    0:02:22 her year-long effort to change things
    0:02:24 she doesn’t like about her own personality.
    0:02:28 Along the way, she does a nice job of weaving in the science
    0:02:31 and marking the limits of what we know and don’t know.
    0:02:35 It’s honest, curious, and reflective.
    0:02:37 And so, it turns out, is Olga.
    0:02:39 So I invited her on the show.
    0:02:47 Olga Hazan, welcome to the show.
    0:02:48 Thanks so much for having me.
    0:02:51 So let’s start with the basics here,
    0:02:55 because personality is one of those concepts
    0:03:00 that we all intuitively understand what it signifies,
    0:03:01 at least loosely.
    0:03:04 But it is pretty tricky to define.
    0:03:06 You’ve now written a book on it, so give me
    0:03:10 your neatest, clearest definition.
    0:03:16 Yeah, personality is the consistent thoughts and behaviors
    0:03:18 that you have every day.
    0:03:21 And some researchers think that, in addition
    0:03:24 to just having those thoughts and feelings and behaviors,
    0:03:26 they also help you achieve your goals.
    0:03:29 So depending on what your goals are,
    0:03:32 your personality kind of helps you get there.
    0:03:34 An example of this would be the personality
    0:03:38 trait of agreeableness, which helps you make friends
    0:03:39 and social connections.
    0:03:42 So people who tend to be more agreeable also
    0:03:45 tend to value friendships and connections
    0:03:47 and achieve more of those.
    0:03:50 You use the word consistent there.
    0:03:54 To what extent is personality just a performance?
    0:03:57 And to what extent is it something much more concrete?
    0:04:02 So personality is, in some ways, a performance.
    0:04:05 Let’s say you describe yourself as an introvert,
    0:04:07 but you have to give a big talk.
    0:04:09 And it’s very important to your career
    0:04:12 that this talk go well, right?
    0:04:16 You are probably going to perform, to a certain extent,
    0:04:17 extraversion.
    0:04:20 Or let’s say you’re going into a room full of investors,
    0:04:22 and you have to raise money for your startup,
    0:04:25 but you’re just a very introverted coder guy who just
    0:04:28 wants to code all day and not talk to anyone.
    0:04:31 You’re going to perform extraversion in that situation,
    0:04:33 too, because it’s very important for you
    0:04:37 to get whatever is at the end of that performance.
    0:04:39 The money or the professional accolades
    0:04:42 or whatever comes with it, it doesn’t have to be financial.
    0:04:45 It could be going on a first date is kind of a performance
    0:04:46 as well.
    0:04:50 So we do all perform elements of these traits
    0:04:52 every single day.
    0:04:54 But what most researchers think is
    0:04:57 that there is sort of a tendency that we all
    0:05:03 have toward a certain pattern of behaviors and thoughts that
    0:05:06 are more or less consistent, especially if we don’t try
    0:05:08 to change them in any meaningful way,
    0:05:11 that you kind of get up and you have these little patterns
    0:05:12 that you fall into.
    0:05:14 And that’s sort of like your, quote, unquote,
    0:05:16 “natural” personality.
    0:05:22 So we have what people call the big five personality traits–
    0:05:25 neuroticism, extraversion, agreeableness,
    0:05:28 which you just mentioned, openness to experience,
    0:05:31 and conscientiousness.
    0:05:33 Are these categories generally accepted
    0:05:38 in the field of psychology, and how useful do you find them?
    0:05:40 They are generally accepted.
    0:05:43 That’s now, if you read a personality study,
    0:05:46 it will be most likely based on the big five.
    0:05:48 So things like Ania Graham and Myers-Briggs
    0:05:51 are not generally accepted.
    0:05:54 That said, they are imperfect.
    0:05:57 There are some cultures that have traits
    0:05:59 that are very important in those cultures
    0:06:02 that the big five doesn’t really pick up as much.
    0:06:06 Meanwhile, things like openness, it’s sort of a catch-all.
    0:06:12 It doesn’t really map very cleanly onto someone’s personality
    0:06:14 as other people would observe it.
    0:06:15 So yeah, it is valid.
    0:06:16 It has weaknesses.
    0:06:22 But personality is so hard to measure and kind of scientifically
    0:06:24 get your head around that it’s sort of the best
    0:06:25 that we have right now.
    0:06:29 Well, part of the inspiration for this project
    0:06:36 is that you wanted to change some things about yourself.
    0:06:37 So what did you want to change?
    0:06:40 And why don’t you love yourself, Olga?
    0:06:42 Don’t you know you’re good enough and smart enough
    0:06:43 and people like you?
    0:06:45 Why do you want to change?
    0:06:47 Yeah, so I did want to change.
    0:06:50 And I also love myself.
    0:06:53 The two are not mutually exclusive.
    0:06:55 Though I know that it can feel that way,
    0:06:58 that if you admit that you want to change,
    0:07:01 that it can feel like you’re saying that you don’t love
    0:07:02 yourself.
    0:07:05 But I think that’s where the idea of personality traits
    0:07:07 as tools to help you achieve your goals
    0:07:09 can be really helpful.
    0:07:11 Because we all have goals we want to achieve,
    0:07:14 even if we all like our lives and ourselves.
    0:07:17 And for me, what I realized is that things were going well.
    0:07:20 I had a pretty nice life.
    0:07:21 Nothing was seriously wrong.
    0:07:26 But my reactions to situations were not benefiting me.
    0:07:31 They were kind of undermining me and making me not
    0:07:32 able to enjoy my life.
    0:07:37 So I start the book out with this actually great sounding
    0:07:41 now as a new parent of this great sounding day in Miami,
    0:07:43 where honestly, all that happened
    0:07:46 is that I got a bad haircut, then immediately
    0:07:48 had to get professional photos taken,
    0:07:51 then got stuck in traffic, and then
    0:07:57 had this weird debacle with a grocery store shopping cart.
    0:08:02 And honestly, just because of my high neuroticism at the time,
    0:08:05 the accumulation of all of those small things
    0:08:09 made me have this epic meltdown when I got back to my hotel.
    0:08:13 And I realized that that happened a lot in various ways.
    0:08:17 Small things would happen that would make me not
    0:08:19 able to appreciate the big picture or not
    0:08:23 able to just be happy with what I have or be grateful.
    0:08:25 And so that’s really what I wanted to work on
    0:08:27 is appreciating my life for what it was.
    0:08:31 And also just outside of neuroticism,
    0:08:34 I was feeling the COVID social isolation.
    0:08:38 And I wanted to deepen my social connections as well.
    0:08:40 So that’s why I wanted to change.
    0:08:45 Would you say that you had or have a tendency to catastrophize?
    0:08:46 Because I do.
    0:08:48 And I don’t know if that’s a function of neuroticism
    0:08:51 or something else, but I would say that is the one thing
    0:08:55 that I’m trying most aggressively to stop.
    0:08:58 Is that tendency part of neuroticism?
    0:09:00 Or is it a little more complicated than that?
    0:09:04 Yeah, it’s definitely part of neuroticism.
    0:09:06 Neuroticism is sort of the trait that’s–
    0:09:09 so to kind of simplify it, it’s associated
    0:09:10 with depression and anxiety.
    0:09:15 And basically, all those are just like a feeling of threat.
    0:09:19 Like you just constantly see threats everywhere.
    0:09:21 The reason you’re catastrophizing
    0:09:24 is not because you’re silly or because you’re not realistic,
    0:09:27 but because you kind of can see the threats coming
    0:09:29 from every direction.
    0:09:32 And you’re like, how do I prevent those from happening?
    0:09:35 And that’s what makes people who are high in neuroticism
    0:09:36 so miserable.
    0:09:38 Well, I like the–
    0:09:41 I think it was Jud Brewer argument
    0:09:45 that you talk about in the book that anxiety is a habit loop
    0:09:51 where anxiety triggers the behavior of worry, which
    0:09:53 feels like it’s a temporary relief,
    0:09:56 but really it just makes us more anxious in the long run.
    0:09:57 And this is something–
    0:10:01 this is something neurotic people do by default, right?
    0:10:04 I mean, it’s just the first instinct.
    0:10:05 Oh, yeah.
    0:10:08 I always thought anxiety and worry were the same thing.
    0:10:09 But worry is actually–
    0:10:10 it’s a behavior.
    0:10:13 It’s almost like a self-soothing behavior.
    0:10:15 And people who are very anxious think
    0:10:19 that if you just worry enough, you won’t be anxious anymore.
    0:10:21 But instead, worry kind of sometimes
    0:10:23 can make you more anxious.
    0:10:25 Like you’re never going to get to the end of the worrying.
    0:10:28 Well, it’s also about the discomfort with uncertainty,
    0:10:29 right?
    0:10:30 You talk about the neurotic person
    0:10:34 is the one who gets the have a second–
    0:10:37 do you have a second slack from your boss and freaks out?
    0:10:38 I’m the type.
    0:10:40 If I get that, do you have a second out of nowhere
    0:10:41 from the boss?
    0:10:46 I’m filing for food stamps before lunch.
    0:10:49 It’s just my mind just goes there.
    0:10:51 OK, this is becoming too much about me already.
    0:10:52 No, it’s OK.
    0:10:52 Yeah, I know.
    0:10:53 I’m right there with you.
    0:10:55 But uncertainty is wrapped up with this, right?
    0:11:01 It’s just– it’s an uneasiness about what the future might
    0:11:04 hold and our ability to control or not control.
    0:11:08 And so you’re just anxious about the world.
    0:11:13 And I mean, I’m sure there’s evolutionary utility in that.
    0:11:15 But boy, past a certain point, it just
    0:11:18 becomes pathological, really.
    0:11:21 Yeah, I mean, that’s a huge part of it.
    0:11:23 Neuroticism is all intertwined with a feeling
    0:11:27 of wanting control, of really fearing uncertainty.
    0:11:29 In the modern world, it’s all about learning
    0:11:33 how to live with uncertainty and accept
    0:11:37 that there is uncertainty in the world without letting
    0:11:40 it rule you, basically, this fear of uncertainty.
    0:11:41 What about agreeableness?
    0:11:43 Agreeableness sounds pretty agreeable.
    0:11:48 I mean, nobody wants to be called disagreeable, I don’t think.
    0:11:51 But is agreeableness more complicated than that?
    0:11:53 I mean, how much agreeableness is too much?
    0:11:57 When do we need to be a little disagreeable?
    0:12:02 Yeah, agreeableness was one of the ones that I was working on.
    0:12:07 And it’s basically like warmth and empathy toward others
    0:12:09 and also trust.
    0:12:13 And that element of agreeableness can be really good.
    0:12:15 And it can deepen your relationships
    0:12:18 and give you more fulfilling friendships.
    0:12:22 Where some people say that they’re actually too agreeable
    0:12:25 and they want to pair back is when they feel like they’re
    0:12:27 being people-pleasers.
    0:12:30 And they feel like people walk all over them
    0:12:32 or they don’t know how to say no.
    0:12:34 So part of agreeableness is learning
    0:12:38 how to communicate boundaries, how to make friends,
    0:12:40 but also not just by saying yes to everything
    0:12:42 that your friends ask of you.
    0:12:46 And to still have your own boundaries and your own things
    0:12:48 that you’re willing and not willing to do.
    0:12:52 So for your year-long personality transformation
    0:12:55 project, you did focus on all five of these traits
    0:12:57 to varying degrees.
    0:13:01 Which did you find was the hardest to tweak in any direction?
    0:13:05 So neuroticism was the hardest by far for me.
    0:13:11 It is because the way to improve on neuroticism
    0:13:15 is meditation or any kind of mindfulness practice.
    0:13:23 It can be yoga, not core power, like slow contemplative yoga.
    0:13:26 It can be different forms of mindfulness,
    0:13:28 but it’s basically mindfulness.
    0:13:30 And I found that really challenging.
    0:13:33 I am not a natural meditator.
    0:13:37 I kind of have a loop of ongoing concerns and worries
    0:13:42 and to-do list when I’m not thinking about anything.
    0:13:45 I don’t like it when people are too relaxed.
    0:13:48 I find that irritating.
    0:13:48 Really?
    0:13:50 Why?
    0:13:52 I just– I think it was a little bit hard for me
    0:13:54 to let go of my anxiety.
    0:13:58 Because on some level, I think–
    0:13:59 and I still sometimes kind of think this–
    0:14:04 I think that anxiety is protective, at least for me.
    0:14:07 It forces me to do things.
    0:14:07 And it helps me.
    0:14:10 It is like the fire under me.
    0:14:14 And I think at times, I was a little bit like, oh, sure.
    0:14:17 This is fine for people who don’t have a lot going on,
    0:14:19 but I need my anxiety.
    0:14:21 How long did you try meditating?
    0:14:24 I mean, did you ultimately find it to be helpful?
    0:14:30 Did you score less neurotic at the end of that practice?
    0:14:32 I think I did meditation really, really seriously
    0:14:34 for about six months of this.
    0:14:39 And it did work in the sense that my neuroticism went down.
    0:14:44 But when I said that neuroticism is depression and anxiety,
    0:14:47 it was actually mostly my depression score that went down.
    0:14:49 So I became less depressed.
    0:14:54 And my anxiety also went down, but it was still quite high.
    0:14:56 It was not as high as it had been,
    0:14:59 but it didn’t go away completely.
    0:15:02 But I think one reason why I became less depressed
    0:15:06 is that the class that I took, which was called MBSR–
    0:15:08 it was the meditation class that I took–
    0:15:12 had a lot of Buddhist teachings that were part of it.
    0:15:14 So one of the things that my meditation teacher said
    0:15:18 was things happen that we don’t like.
    0:15:21 And for me, even though obviously things
    0:15:23 happen that we don’t like, I realized
    0:15:26 that I was someone who, when things would go wrong,
    0:15:29 I would start to blame myself very intensely.
    0:15:32 And I would have this very intense self-blame that would
    0:15:36 be very hard to break out of, even if it was something that
    0:15:37 was clearly not my fault.
    0:15:42 It was like an act of God or really awful traffic
    0:15:46 or just something that had nothing to do with me.
    0:15:48 I would start to be like, well, I should have left earlier.
    0:15:50 I should have, blah, blah, blah, I should have predicted this.
    0:15:54 And I think just this reminder that things happen that we don’t
    0:15:56 like and that everyone has things that happen in their life
    0:15:57 that they would rather not happen.
    0:16:00 And we all have to deal with that.
    0:16:03 I don’t know, that was weirdly very helpful to me.
    0:16:06 What is the scientifically best personality?
    0:16:09 And look, there is a part of my philosophical soul
    0:16:12 that shudders, even at asking this question,
    0:16:14 because I don’t think science can make these kind of value
    0:16:15 judgments.
    0:16:19 But what I’m getting at is, what does the research
    0:16:21 on happiness and personality tell us
    0:16:25 about what kinds of traits tend to be most correlated
    0:16:29 with happiness and well-being and a flourishing life?
    0:16:32 If your goal is happiness, which I am not saying that it has
    0:16:34 to be, there’s more life than happiness.
    0:16:38 But as far as happiness, well-being, longevity,
    0:16:42 all those goodies, it’s basically being high but not
    0:16:45 too high on all of the five traits.
    0:16:48 So being pretty extroverted, pretty agreeable,
    0:16:53 pretty open to experiences, quite very conscientious,
    0:16:57 and then very emotionally stable.
    0:17:00 You say in the book that extroverts are happier, in part,
    0:17:05 because they interpret ambiguous stimuli more positively.
    0:17:06 How true is this?
    0:17:08 I mean, I’m sure there are some people out there
    0:17:11 who might find this kind of claim a little crude.
    0:17:15 So how clear is the evidence on this?
    0:17:19 How confident are we that extroverts in general are happier?
    0:17:22 I mean, they certainly look like they’re having more fun,
    0:17:24 but that’s anecdotal.
    0:17:26 So the evidence that extroverts are happier
    0:17:28 is pretty consistent.
    0:17:31 It’s been replicated quite a few times,
    0:17:33 including by researchers who weren’t connected
    0:17:36 to the original studies and were dubious,
    0:17:39 and they replicated it.
    0:17:41 And the one researcher who did that, who I talked to,
    0:17:43 is himself an introvert.
    0:17:44 So it is pretty clear.
    0:17:47 The reasons why are less clear.
    0:17:49 So as you mentioned, one interpretation
    0:17:52 is that they walk into a room full of people,
    0:17:56 and they’re all strangers, and they don’t immediately
    0:17:57 get a smile out of anyone.
    0:18:01 It’s just kind of a straight-faced kind of people
    0:18:03 are like, what are you doing here?
    0:18:05 I, an introvert, would be like, oh, my god.
    0:18:07 I’m not supposed to be here.
    0:18:09 Nobody likes me.
    0:18:12 I need to leave kind of just like flea, flea, flea.
    0:18:13 It’s that self-talk, right?
    0:18:15 All that self-chat-er.
    0:18:16 Right, right, right.
    0:18:19 An extrovert would be like, oh, awesome.
    0:18:21 I just need to introduce myself around.
    0:18:24 And pretty soon, people will warm up to me.
    0:18:27 They just have a different interpretation of events
    0:18:30 that helps them be happier.
    0:18:32 They are more active.
    0:18:34 They’re just always out and doing things,
    0:18:36 like the people who are signed up for a million clubs
    0:18:39 and things are extroverts.
    0:18:43 And they have more social connections, not just friends.
    0:18:46 They also have more weak ties, more acquaintances,
    0:18:49 just people they talk to throughout the day.
    0:18:52 And that helps them feel happier.
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    0:22:38 (upbeat music)
    0:22:55 – Well, let’s talk about change,
    0:22:58 the science of personality change.
    0:23:02 As you say in the book, there is this idea
    0:23:07 that at around 30, our personalities are set like plaster.
    0:23:11 How true is that?
    0:23:15 I mean, how fixed is our personality?
    0:23:20 – So that idea is sort of not considered
    0:23:23 totally true anymore.
    0:23:25 There’s been quite a bit of research that shows
    0:23:29 that even when people don’t try to change,
    0:23:31 they actually end up changing
    0:23:33 over the course of their lives.
    0:23:37 So one example is that people get less neurotic
    0:23:38 as they get older.
    0:23:40 They also tend to get less open to experiences.
    0:23:44 So if you ever notice that people get more conservative
    0:23:45 as they get older, that could be
    0:23:48 because openness to experiences goes down.
    0:23:49 In studies where they follow people
    0:23:52 over decades and decades, most of those people
    0:23:55 in those studies change on at least one personality trait
    0:24:00 from young adulthood to late adulthood, their 60s.
    0:24:04 So it’s true, you’re not gonna be like unrecognizable
    0:24:08 probably, but people do change over time
    0:24:09 just kind of naturally.
    0:24:12 But what kind of the heart of my book is about
    0:24:15 is about changing your personality intentionally,
    0:24:18 which is sort of an even newer branch of research
    0:24:20 where they actually ask people
    0:24:22 if they would like to change their personalities,
    0:24:24 give them activities that are meant
    0:24:26 to help change their personalities
    0:24:29 and then kind of measure their personalities after the fact.
    0:24:33 And so then your personality would change even more.
    0:24:34 – This part of it is so interesting to me.
    0:24:37 I mean, I’ve had psychologists on the show
    0:24:40 before people like Paul Bloom who I love.
    0:24:42 I think he’s just fantastic.
    0:24:47 And I may be bastardizing his argument here.
    0:24:49 So if you’re listening, Paul, you can write in and tell me.
    0:24:52 But he always says something to the effect,
    0:24:55 not necessarily that we look, you are your brain
    0:24:56 and that’s it.
    0:25:01 But he does suggest that by the time you’re pretty young,
    0:25:04 five, six, seven, eight, whatever,
    0:25:08 somewhere around there, your personality is kind of clear
    0:25:09 and it’s kind of constant.
    0:25:11 You kind of are what you are.
    0:25:12 You can tinker a little bit at the margins
    0:25:14 and the environment matters.
    0:25:15 Of course, it always matters,
    0:25:19 but you really are sort of, you kind of are what you are,
    0:25:22 which isn’t to say that you can’t change anything,
    0:25:24 but you kind of are what you are.
    0:25:27 I mean, do you think that is a little overstated?
    0:25:29 – Yeah, I mean, I think,
    0:25:30 so there is a little bit of truth to that.
    0:25:34 So part of personality is inherited, right?
    0:25:36 It is genetic.
    0:25:39 So like, in some ways you start to see
    0:25:41 someone’s personality emerge in childhood
    0:25:45 and like they’re gonna be kind of like that.
    0:25:47 You know, probably for the rest of their lives,
    0:25:51 like, you know, barring anything major.
    0:25:53 But when you talk about tinkering at the margins,
    0:25:56 like that is actually like quite important.
    0:26:00 Like a lot of therapy is basically
    0:26:02 just tinkering at the margins.
    0:26:05 Like one of the books that I read kind of
    0:26:08 in reporting out my book is 10% happier.
    0:26:11 And that was Dan Harris meditating every day
    0:26:16 for like an hour a day, just to become 10% happier.
    0:26:18 – That’s a lot though.
    0:26:18 10% is a lot.
    0:26:19 – Yeah, yeah.
    0:26:21 I mean, but that’s, so like it kind of is,
    0:26:22 it depends on how you look at it.
    0:26:26 Like, I was a really anxious kid and I’m an anxious adult.
    0:26:30 You know, does that mean that I am exactly the same
    0:26:31 as I was when I was seven?
    0:26:34 I mean, you know, I’m recognizable,
    0:26:39 but I also think that I have knowledge and tools now
    0:26:44 to like control my anxiety a lot better obviously
    0:26:47 than I did when I was a kid or a teen, even a young adult.
    0:26:48 So I don’t know.
    0:26:51 I think that’s true, but also the margins
    0:26:53 are really important.
    0:26:56 – Yeah, no, there’s a lot of difference in that.
    0:26:58 Little tweaks here and there do matter.
    0:27:01 So, you know, thoughts and behaviors
    0:27:02 are these two elements of personality.
    0:27:05 I mean, how much power do we really have
    0:27:08 to alter our behavior by consciously,
    0:27:11 deliberately altering our thoughts?
    0:27:13 I mean, how clear is that relationship?
    0:27:16 Because if it is fairly clear that that is,
    0:27:19 seems like one of the more reliable ways to go about,
    0:27:23 you know, making some of these tweaks.
    0:27:25 – The traits where it’s all behavioral
    0:27:28 are definitely the easiest to change.
    0:27:31 So conscientiousness is a good example of this.
    0:27:34 It’s the one that’s all about being organized
    0:27:37 and on time, eating healthy, you know, exercising.
    0:27:40 What they’ve found is basically that
    0:27:43 you don’t have to like really want it
    0:27:45 in order to become more conscientious.
    0:27:47 You just kind of have to do the stuff
    0:27:49 associated with conscientiousness.
    0:27:51 So like making the to-do list,
    0:27:53 making the calendar reminders,
    0:27:57 leaving, you know, whatever, 10 minutes earlier,
    0:27:58 you know, decluttering your closets.
    0:28:01 Like if you do enough of that stuff,
    0:28:03 kind of regularly and consistently,
    0:28:06 that is conscientiousness.
    0:28:07 Like you will become more conscientious.
    0:28:10 You will get stuff done and like achieve your goals
    0:28:14 and have a higher level of conscientiousness.
    0:28:16 With some of the other ones like neuroticism
    0:28:18 or even agreeableness,
    0:28:21 like the reason why they’re harder to change
    0:28:23 is that you have to really want it.
    0:28:26 And it is kind of more about your thought processes
    0:28:29 and like challenging your thoughts
    0:28:33 and, you know, thinking about situations differently.
    0:28:37 Like if I was to revisit that day in Florida,
    0:28:39 now or in Miami,
    0:28:42 I wouldn’t necessarily like do anything differently.
    0:28:44 I would just think about it differently.
    0:28:47 And I would be less anxious
    0:28:49 as a result of how I was thinking about it.
    0:28:52 But like that is obviously harder
    0:28:53 than like making a to-do list.
    0:28:58 – Well, I did, I like that quote from Jerome Brunner
    0:28:59 in the book.
    0:29:01 You more likely act yourself into feeling
    0:29:05 than feel yourself into action,
    0:29:07 which kind of just feels like, you know, fake it
    0:29:08 till you make it.
    0:29:10 – So Nate Hudson, who’s like the main researcher
    0:29:12 that does the personality change research
    0:29:15 is I think my quote from him was like,
    0:29:18 fake it till you make it is a reasonable way
    0:29:21 to do personality change.
    0:29:24 And that’s because a lot of this is sort of like
    0:29:26 the actions kind of make you think
    0:29:27 about things differently.
    0:29:31 So one example for me was with Extraversion,
    0:29:34 where I really did not want to go to all the stuff
    0:29:35 that I signed up for.
    0:29:38 So I signed up for like improv class
    0:29:41 and I just really dreaded it every single time.
    0:29:43 I did not really want to go,
    0:29:46 but I kind of found that if I like made myself go,
    0:29:47 it would make me happier.
    0:29:50 And I did have a good time and I enjoyed it,
    0:29:54 but it just like my thought process around improv
    0:29:55 was I’m not good at it.
    0:29:56 I’m not going to have fun.
    0:29:57 I don’t like this.
    0:29:58 I’m an introvert.
    0:30:01 So that was like sort of the clearest example of how
    0:30:04 sometimes you just kind of have to do something
    0:30:07 and the thoughts will follow from there.
    0:30:09 – I want to talk more about improv.
    0:30:11 I’ve always wanted to do it.
    0:30:12 But again, I’m an introvert.
    0:30:15 And I feel like I would just be paralyzed up there.
    0:30:18 But tell me about how long you did that
    0:30:21 and how transformative it was.
    0:30:24 – Improv was probably one of the best things I did.
    0:30:26 And also the scariest.
    0:30:30 I did that for about a year kind of like,
    0:30:32 but it was like several sessions of improv
    0:30:35 that I guess altogether was about a year of a year’s worth.
    0:30:40 And I was at times so afraid that I froze up
    0:30:44 and like didn’t know what to say next.
    0:30:47 But something that’s really cool about improv is that like,
    0:30:50 it’s all about learning that other people
    0:30:54 can supply part of the interaction, right?
    0:30:57 Like you’re not responsible for everything
    0:30:59 going right in improv.
    0:31:04 It’s okay if things are just kind of chaotic and strange
    0:31:06 and not going perfectly.
    0:31:08 And I don’t know, it’s like a good lesson
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    0:34:56 – Well, look, there’s a,
    0:34:59 I think a very important question you posed near the end.
    0:35:01 And I wanna ask it here.
    0:35:07 How do you know when to keep trying to change?
    0:35:09 I mean, how do you know when you’ve tried enough?
    0:35:12 I mean, isn’t there some point at which
    0:35:15 you do more harm by resisting who you are?
    0:35:19 And would be better off just making peace with that.
    0:35:19 – Yeah.
    0:35:21 I mean, this is like, you know,
    0:35:25 it’s not gonna be a hard and fast rule for everyone.
    0:35:28 But what I found is that when I was doing things
    0:35:31 that were like no longer enjoyable on any level
    0:35:36 and were not getting me any closer to like what I valued
    0:35:37 or like what I actually wanted
    0:35:40 is sort of when I would give up on them.
    0:35:44 So the big example of this is that I led a meetup group
    0:35:48 for a while based around foreign films, which is my hobby.
    0:35:53 And I just like didn’t really enjoy it.
    0:35:54 I just don’t like running meetings.
    0:35:58 I do moderate professionally for work,
    0:36:01 but like I just don’t like to do it in my free time.
    0:36:05 I guess I just, and it kind of like wasn’t, you know,
    0:36:07 I didn’t have that high afterward,
    0:36:09 like I did after improv where I was like,
    0:36:10 yes, that was so fun.
    0:36:13 I kind of felt just like, oh, thank God that’s over.
    0:36:14 And to me, that was like a sign
    0:36:16 that it was maybe just time to wrap up
    0:36:19 and like hand it over to someone else.
    0:36:20 And I think that’s okay.
    0:36:22 Like you don’t, you know,
    0:36:23 trying something doesn’t mean you’re like stuck with it
    0:36:25 for life.
    0:36:27 – Yeah, and look, I ask this in part
    0:36:31 because I am sympathetic to the idea that,
    0:36:36 you know, being a little maladapted to a world
    0:36:39 that’s actually pretty shitty in lots of ways
    0:36:40 isn’t the worst thing.
    0:36:43 And our society has a way of conspiring
    0:36:47 to make good and honest people feel weird and unlikeable.
    0:36:50 And that’s a society problem, not a you problem,
    0:36:53 but also it is generally healthy to be well adjusted.
    0:36:56 So I don’t want to gloss over that either.
    0:37:00 – Yeah, and I mean, even things like neuroticism,
    0:37:03 you know, in small amounts or in certain situations
    0:37:05 can have some benefits.
    0:37:08 Like, I mean, I never did away with my anxiety completely.
    0:37:10 It’s now like at more manageable levels,
    0:37:12 but it’s not like gone.
    0:37:17 And, you know, in the last chapter,
    0:37:19 I interviewed Tracy Dennis Tawari,
    0:37:22 who is a psychologist.
    0:37:25 And she talks about how anxiety can have
    0:37:27 some positive elements.
    0:37:32 And when her son was born, he had like a heart condition.
    0:37:35 And she talks about how anxiety really helped her
    0:37:38 prioritize like finding the right specialists,
    0:37:40 you know, getting him the right treatment,
    0:37:42 coming up with a good treatment plan,
    0:37:44 you know, all of the things that are involved
    0:37:46 in caring for a sick child.
    0:37:49 It would be hard to do that stuff
    0:37:51 if you were completely not anxious,
    0:37:53 like if you just didn’t care about anything.
    0:37:56 Like anxiety is in some ways a way of caring.
    0:38:00 So, you know, I think it’s fine to like find ways
    0:38:03 of living with your anxiety,
    0:38:06 but to not like do away with it entirely.
    0:38:10 – Well, what are the most concrete,
    0:38:14 practical interventions you discovered along the way
    0:38:17 that people might find useful in their own efforts
    0:38:22 to improve or align their values and actions?
    0:38:23 – Sure, I will just toss some out
    0:38:25 that I found worked really well for me.
    0:38:27 I would sign up for something.
    0:38:30 Don’t just tell yourself you’re gonna go out
    0:38:33 to drinks with your friends more.
    0:38:37 Like sign up for a thing that like requires you to be there.
    0:38:40 With improv, you couldn’t miss more than two classes.
    0:38:43 So you had to go, even if you didn’t feel like going.
    0:38:44 – Accountability, right?
    0:38:45 There’s some accountability.
    0:38:46 – Yeah, like that’s what I would do for extroversion
    0:38:48 is I would sign up for a thing.
    0:38:51 For conscientiousness,
    0:38:54 I would actually start by decluttering.
    0:38:57 Like if you feel like you’re really disorganized
    0:39:01 before trying to like quote unquote get organized,
    0:39:04 I would just throw away as much stuff as possible.
    0:39:07 That was like the loud and clear thing
    0:39:09 that all the professional organizers told me
    0:39:13 is that like it’s all about just like having less stuff
    0:39:14 in your life.
    0:39:16 And that can be like, you know, commitments too
    0:39:19 and like sort of extraneous stuff that you’re doing.
    0:39:25 And I honestly would take a meditation class
    0:39:27 for anyone who’s interested in, you know,
    0:39:30 reducing their neuroticism to whatever degree.
    0:39:32 Even if not, like it’s just like an interesting
    0:39:38 intellectual exercise and, you know,
    0:39:39 possibly an emotional exercise.
    0:39:44 – Yeah, I found the ACT acronym, the ACT acronym,
    0:39:48 pretty handy actually.
    0:39:51 It’s, you know, accept your negative feelings,
    0:39:55 commit to your values and take action.
    0:39:57 And you can say anything you like about that,
    0:40:02 but certainly the acceptance part seems really fundamental.
    0:40:04 I mean, one thing that comes across
    0:40:07 in a lot of the stories you tell in the book
    0:40:10 is that it doesn’t matter who you are,
    0:40:12 what you do, where you are,
    0:40:15 you’re going to have negative feelings all the damn time.
    0:40:19 And we add so much unnecessary suffering to our lives
    0:40:22 when we resist those feelings.
    0:40:25 Anyway, I’ll let you say anything you want about that.
    0:40:26 – Yeah, absolutely.
    0:40:28 Yeah, I thought that’s so helpful.
    0:40:31 And that was really how a lot of the people who
    0:40:34 I talked to who did change their personalities
    0:40:36 kind of muddled through
    0:40:39 because those first few attempts at, you know,
    0:40:41 being extroverted or, you know,
    0:40:43 even being conscientious can feel really uncomfortable.
    0:40:45 Like getting up at, you know,
    0:40:47 5 a.m. to go for a run is uncomfortable.
    0:40:49 And so they really were just like,
    0:40:51 I’m going to feel uncomfortable.
    0:40:53 Like I’m not going to like this at first,
    0:40:54 but it’s important to me that I keep doing this.
    0:40:57 And so I’m going to take action and actually do it.
    0:40:58 And I don’t know.
    0:41:01 I think that’s like a good little rule to live by
    0:41:03 for things that matter to you.
    0:41:08 – How important is it to really believe in your own agency?
    0:41:12 Is that a fundamental precondition of any kind of change?
    0:41:14 To believe that it’s possible
    0:41:18 that you have the freedom and the will to do that?
    0:41:21 – The argument that I always get into with people is like,
    0:41:24 some people think that like people never change, right?
    0:41:26 And kind of the extension of that is like,
    0:41:29 I will never change because people never change.
    0:41:31 And if that’s truly what you think,
    0:41:33 you probably aren’t going to try to change
    0:41:35 and you probably won’t change.
    0:41:38 There does have to be like some fundamental openness
    0:41:42 to change in order to even like embark on something like this,
    0:41:45 because it takes a lot of like energy and courage
    0:41:46 to do some of this stuff.
    0:41:50 And you can’t follow through on it
    0:41:53 if you think that like it’s not going to work.
    0:41:54 – All right.
    0:41:57 Once again, the book is called “Me but Better,
    0:42:00 the Science and Promise of Personality Change.”
    0:42:03 Olga Hazan, this was fun.
    0:42:03 Thank you.
    0:42:05 – Yeah, thanks so much for having me.
    0:42:06 This was great.
    0:42:09 (upbeat music)
    0:42:14 – All right, I hope you enjoyed this episode.
    0:42:16 I know I did.
    0:42:18 Personality change is something I thought about a lot
    0:42:21 over the years in part because I’m constantly trying
    0:42:24 to fix things about myself.
    0:42:27 This book and this conversation gave me
    0:42:29 some useful perspective on that,
    0:42:31 both that it’s completely cool
    0:42:33 to want to improve things about yourself,
    0:42:36 but also it’s important to make peace with who you are
    0:42:39 and not make yourself miserable fighting that.
    0:42:43 But as always, I want to know what you think.
    0:42:46 So drop us a line at the grayarea@box.com
    0:42:49 or leave us a message on our new voicemail line
    0:42:53 at 1-800-214-5749.
    0:42:54 And once you’re finished with that,
    0:42:56 please go ahead, rate and review
    0:42:58 and subscribe to the podcast.
    0:43:01 This episode was produced by Beth Morrissey,
    0:43:05 edited by Jorge Just, engineered by Christian Ayala,
    0:43:08 fact checked by Melissa Hirsch,
    0:43:10 and Alex Ovington wrote our theme music.
    0:43:12 New episodes of the grayarea drop on Mondays,
    0:43:14 listen and subscribe.
    0:43:16 The show is part of Vox,
    0:43:18 support Vox’s journalism by joining
    0:43:19 our membership program today.
    0:43:23 Go to vox.com/members to sign up.
    0:43:25 And if you decide to sign up because of this show,
    0:43:26 let us know.
    0:43:38 – All right, Sean, you can do this promo
    0:43:41 talking about all the great Vox media podcasts
    0:43:43 that are gonna be on stage live
    0:43:45 at South by Southwest this March.
    0:43:48 You just need a big idea to get people’s attention,
    0:43:53 to help them keep them from hitting the skip button.
    0:43:53 I don’t know.
    0:43:56 I’m gonna throw it out to the group chat, Kara.
    0:43:57 Do you have any ideas?
    0:44:00 – In these challenging times, we’re a group of mighty hosts
    0:44:02 who have banded together to fight disinformation
    0:44:04 by speaking truth to power,
    0:44:06 like the Avengers, but with more spandex.
    0:44:07 What do you think, Scott?
    0:44:10 – I’m more of an X-man fan myself.
    0:44:12 Call me professor.
    0:44:13 Can I read minds?
    0:44:14 I can’t really read minds,
    0:44:17 but I can empathize with anyone having a mid-life crisis,
    0:44:20 which is essentially any tech leader, so.
    0:44:24 – Mines are important, Scott, but we’re more than that.
    0:44:29 I think that you can’t really separate minds from feelings.
    0:44:31 And we need to talk about our emotions
    0:44:33 and explore the layers of our relationships
    0:44:37 with our partners, coworkers, our families, neighbors,
    0:44:39 and our adjacent communities.
    0:44:41 I just wanna add a touch more.
    0:44:43 From sports and culture to tech and politics,
    0:44:46 Vox Media has an All-Star lineup of podcasts
    0:44:49 that’s great in your feeds, but even better live.
    0:44:51 – That’s it, All-Stars.
    0:44:55 Get your game on, go play, come see a bunch of Vox Media
    0:44:59 All-Stars, and also me at South by Southwest
    0:45:01 on the Vox Media podcast stage,
    0:45:04 presented by Smartsheet and Intuit.
    0:45:06 March 8th through 10th in Austin, Texas.
    0:45:11 Go to voxmedia.com/sxsw.
    0:45:13 You’ll never know if you don’t go.
    0:45:15 You’ll never shine if you don’t glow.

    If you could change anything about your personality, anything at all, what would it be?

    And why would you want to change it?Writer Olga Khazan spent a year trying to answer those questions, and documented the experience in her new book Me, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change.

    In this episode Sean speaks with Olga about the science of personality change, the work it takes to change yourself, and what makes up a personality, anyway.

    Host: Sean Illing (@SeanIlling)

    Guest: Olga Khazan, author of Me, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change.

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  • Prof G Markets: Nvidia Earnings are the Super Bowl of Business + Trump’s $5 Million Gold Card

    AI transcript
    0:00:02 >> Support for this show comes from Indeed.
    0:00:06 Indeed’s sponsored jobs can help you stand out and hire fast.
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    0:00:33 Indeed.com/voxca.
    0:00:35 Terms and conditions apply.
    0:00:38 Hiring Indeed is all you need.
    0:00:42 >> Thumbtack presents the ins and outs of caring for your home.
    0:00:45 Out. Procrastination.
    0:00:46 Putting it off.
    0:00:48 Kicking the can down the road.
    0:00:49 In.
    0:00:54 Plans and guides that make it easy to get home projects done.
    0:00:57 Out. Carp it in the bathroom.
    0:00:59 Like why.
    0:01:05 In. Knowing what to do, when to do it, and who to hire.
    0:01:08 Start caring for your home with confidence.
    0:01:11 Download Thumbtack today.
    0:01:14 >> It might be enticing to try and sleep through the next four years.
    0:01:17 But if you’re wondering how to survive a second Trump term while
    0:01:21 staying fully conscious, Pod Save America is here to help you
    0:01:24 process what’s happening now and what comes next.
    0:01:27 Every Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, John Lovett, Tommy Veter,
    0:01:31 John Favreau, and Dan Pfeiffer weighed hip deep into the week’s
    0:01:34 political news and fish out some political analysis you can trust.
    0:01:36 Yes, Tommy’s shoes get ruined.
    0:01:41 Yes, he’ll do it again tomorrow because the endeavor is worth it.
    0:01:43 And so is your sanity.
    0:01:48 Tune into Pod Save America wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube.
    0:01:51 >> Today’s number, $49 million.
    0:01:54 That’s how much New York City’s congestion pricing tolls brought in
    0:01:55 during the program’s first month.
    0:01:57 This is an actual true story.
    0:02:00 And when I first moved to New York, my first date was with a woman
    0:02:04 named Martha who took me to, no joke, a sex club.
    0:02:06 And one of us had sex and it wasn’t me, Ed.
    0:02:19 >> That’s a true story.
    0:02:20 >> That’s not a true story.
    0:02:21 >> No, it’s a true story.
    0:02:24 The club was called Trapeze.
    0:02:25 >> You’re going to have to elaborate.
    0:02:27 It’s the final part that I’m really intrigued in.
    0:02:30 >> I met this woman, a really interesting woman, nice.
    0:02:31 It was a very attractive tour.
    0:02:34 And I had this big duck.
    0:02:37 I lived at one Greenwich and I had basically this like 700-foot apartment
    0:02:41 with a 3,000 square foot duck, see above single and desperate.
    0:02:45 And I used to have parties and people and I met this woman super hot,
    0:02:47 seemed super cool.
    0:02:51 Yeah, passed her out, kept asking her out.
    0:02:53 And finally I’m like, I’m getting nothing back here.
    0:02:54 And she’s like, I have something I think you’re going to like.
    0:02:56 And she showed up and said, I’m going to handle everything.
    0:03:01 And we went to this place with the Westfield or so, going to ground.
    0:03:04 It’s like 300 bucks for the dude and nothing for the woman.
    0:03:06 I’m like, well, that’s going to be interesting.
    0:03:09 And they give you a towel and she changed into a towel.
    0:03:12 And anyway, she ended up making out and fooling around with a woman.
    0:03:13 >> That is crazy.
    0:03:16 >> That was my big New York story.
    0:03:20 NYU professor, would you let your kid take class with me?
    0:03:23 Yeah, you didn’t do anything wrong.
    0:03:26 I mean, you shouldn’t have pursued this woman specifically, clearly.
    0:03:27 >> Oh, I was so excited.
    0:03:36 I think I still probably text her, saying she’s going to be another shot of trapeze.
    0:03:40 >> What happened in the basement, water under the bridge, let’s start over.
    0:03:46 >> Actually, also my other New York joke, New York is just full of rats.
    0:03:51 I made actually friends with this rat, and this ridiculously hot woman walked by.
    0:03:52 I’m like, did you see the ass on that woman?
    0:03:57 He said, well, actually, I’m a tit rat myself.
    0:03:59 >> I prefer the real stories.
    0:04:01 >> That’s why you come here.
    0:04:03 This isn’t CNBC.
    0:04:03 >> Agreed.
    0:04:06 >> Let’s start with our weekly review of market vitals.
    0:04:12 [MUSIC]
    0:04:17 >> The S&P 500 declined, the dollar rose, Bitcoin fell, and the yield on 10-year
    0:04:20 treasuries hit its lowest level since December.
    0:04:21 Shifting to the headlines.
    0:04:25 Tessa’s market cap has fallen below $1 trillion,
    0:04:28 erasing nearly all of the stock’s post-election gains.
    0:04:31 Shares are down more than 25% so far this year,
    0:04:36 as investor concerns mount to overgrown competition and Elon Musk controversies.
    0:04:41 Warren Buffett announced that Berkshire Hathaway paid nearly $27 billion in taxes
    0:04:46 in 2024, that is the largest tax bill ever paid by a U.S. company,
    0:04:51 accounting for roughly 5% of all corporate income taxes collected in the country that year.
    0:04:56 And finally, BP announced it is shifting back to fossil fuels and
    0:04:59 scaling down investments in green energy.
    0:05:03 The company plans to spend around $10 billion a year on oil and gas to win
    0:05:07 back investors after its fourth quarter profit hit a four-year low.
    0:05:12 Despite that move, BP shares closed down about one and a half percent.
    0:05:17 Scott, we’ll start with Tesla and I’m bracing myself for your victory lap here.
    0:05:20 You predicted on February 13th.
    0:05:23 I can’t help it.
    0:05:25 I’m a broken clock here.
    0:05:26 Tesla’s imploding.
    0:05:29 I think the stock is below $200 in the next six months.
    0:05:32 It was trading at $356 a share then.
    0:05:37 We’re not below $200, but we’re now at $286.
    0:05:41 So it’s down 20% since your prediction.
    0:05:41 Take it away.
    0:05:43 I hate this motherfucker.
    0:05:45 I really, I don’t know if you’ve sensed that.
    0:05:46 Really? Yeah.
    0:05:49 I have no emotional distance here.
    0:05:50 I’m changing my prediction.
    0:05:52 I think this thing goes below 150.
    0:05:53 Oh, keep it.
    0:05:54 Keep the original.
    0:05:55 I can’t help it.
    0:06:01 It’s at a P of 180 and its sales are off 75% in Germany.
    0:06:03 And across Europe, they’re off dramatically.
    0:06:06 I think the car line is really stale.
    0:06:08 To be fair, the stock is still up 50%
    0:06:10 over the last 12 months, right?
    0:06:12 It had a huge run up.
    0:06:15 And the market, you could say, you could also make this,
    0:06:17 you could also steel man and be a weak steel man
    0:06:20 and be more like an Ironman or a Heyman.
    0:06:22 It’s clear his activities have really hurt him
    0:06:24 in Europe and in California,
    0:06:28 but probably the market was looking for an excuse
    0:06:29 to take this stock down.
    0:06:32 I think what will be the real interesting test here
    0:06:35 in terms of the association or affiliation
    0:06:39 of an individual’s brand and their company
    0:06:43 is if Starlink starts to have contracts canceled.
    0:06:44 What do you make of this ad?
    0:06:47 Yeah, I mean, I think the question that we’ve been trying
    0:06:51 to ask is like, what started this slide with Tesla stock?
    0:06:54 I mean, it’s pretty dramatic what happened.
    0:06:58 It’s down around 20% in five straight days
    0:07:00 falling below a trillion dollars.
    0:07:02 It’s now down 34% since its peak in December.
    0:07:04 I think the thing that really triggered this
    0:07:07 is this data that came out from Europe.
    0:07:12 Teslas vehicle sales are down almost 50% across Europe.
    0:07:15 Meanwhile, overall EV sales across Europe
    0:07:17 are up almost 40%.
    0:07:19 So clearly people just hate Teslas
    0:07:22 and it’s not very surprising why.
    0:07:25 I mean, you just look at the UK, for example,
    0:07:28 where, you know, Elon is talking about how he wants
    0:07:31 to put the British Prime Minister Kierstahmer in jail.
    0:07:33 Like it’s not very surprising
    0:07:34 that the British public is now saying,
    0:07:36 hey, we’re down with electric vehicles,
    0:07:38 but we’re not gonna buy Teslas anymore.
    0:07:42 And so it’s finally being reflected in Tesla’s financials.
    0:07:45 I think the thing that I’ve been thinking about a lot
    0:07:48 when it comes to Elon and when it comes to Tesla,
    0:07:53 I’ve been waiting for what I would call his Wellington moment
    0:07:55 and I’ll explain what I mean by that.
    0:07:57 As I’ve said to you before,
    0:07:59 I think the similarities between Elon Musk
    0:08:01 and Napoleon Bonaparte,
    0:08:03 and you’re gonna call me a history nerd, but I don’t care.
    0:08:04 Just a nerd.
    0:08:07 I think the similarities are very striking
    0:08:08 in that you have Napoleon,
    0:08:12 who was this like miraculously successful guy
    0:08:16 who took over all of Europe and tried to take over the world.
    0:08:20 And at the same time was also pretty universally disliked.
    0:08:21 But people never really did anything about it
    0:08:24 because they thought, you know, this guy is so talented.
    0:08:25 He’s so powerful.
    0:08:28 He conquered the Russians and the Prussians and the Spanish.
    0:08:30 He installed himself into office.
    0:08:32 He crowned himself emperor.
    0:08:35 Like, how could we ever bet against Napoleon?
    0:08:37 You never bet against Napoleon.
    0:08:39 And that’s basically why people went along with this guy
    0:08:44 who was acting, honestly, very irrationally and kind of insane.
    0:08:47 But it was only when he suffered this crushing defeat
    0:08:50 at Waterloo against the Duke of Wellington
    0:08:51 that people realized, actually,
    0:08:54 maybe this guy isn’t untouchable.
    0:08:56 Actually, maybe he isn’t a god.
    0:09:00 And the whole world turned on him at the exact same time,
    0:09:02 including the French, by the way,
    0:09:05 and he was banished to this remote island
    0:09:07 where he died sad and alone.
    0:09:11 And I believe that that moment is coming for Elon.
    0:09:15 I believe it’s going to take some big loss.
    0:09:18 And suddenly all of this mystique and this intrigue
    0:09:23 and all of our glorification of his leadership abilities
    0:09:25 and his character and his genius,
    0:09:28 it’s all just going to disintegrate in a second.
    0:09:33 And at that moment, I think the citizens start to turn on him.
    0:09:35 We’ve seen that happening already.
    0:09:37 But more importantly,
    0:09:39 I think the markets will turn on him too.
    0:09:41 – I think that moment happened 48 hours ago.
    0:09:43 I think it was Bill Burr.
    0:09:44 He’s probably my favorite comedian.
    0:09:46 I think the guy’s just a genius and he’s fearless.
    0:09:47 And he’s been known for being
    0:09:49 just incredibly politically incorrect.
    0:09:52 And he’s a favorite of what I’ll call
    0:09:54 sort of the intelligent manosphere.
    0:09:56 And that is he just mocks the shit
    0:09:59 out of Democrats and political correctness.
    0:10:02 And basically every viewer of MSNBC
    0:10:04 was grabbing their pearls every time they watched
    0:10:06 a Bill Burr clip.
    0:10:07 And he was just totally unafraid
    0:10:09 to be totally politically incorrect.
    0:10:11 And he went on a rant and we should play that.
    0:10:12 We’ll find the clip now.
    0:10:13 – I’ll tell you it was funny.
    0:10:16 I made fun of the fucking Twitter guy
    0:10:18 for fucking Seag Highling, not once but twice.
    0:10:20 And I never look at my emails.
    0:10:21 I was scrolling through my emails
    0:10:24 and it said my Twitter account had been flagged
    0:10:26 for InterPro, I don’t even tweet anymore.
    0:10:29 It had been flagged for what?
    0:10:30 What a fucking baby.
    0:10:33 Just like Hitler, a fucking baby.
    0:10:33 ‘Cause that’s another thing.
    0:10:35 All of these people that are into fucking Hitler,
    0:10:36 you know what I mean?
    0:10:39 And like, look at this guy,
    0:10:40 like he was some sort of fucking hero.
    0:10:43 The guy was one of the biggest fucking cowards ever.
    0:10:46 All the pain and all the suffering that that guy’s caused
    0:10:49 and the war crimes the allies had to commit
    0:10:53 firebombing fucking cities to get that motherfucker.
    0:10:57 When it came time for him to pay the price
    0:10:59 for all the suffering he caused,
    0:11:02 millions and millions and millions of people.
    0:11:05 Did he face the music?
    0:11:09 Nope, he gave himself a nice, quick, painless fucking death.
    0:11:13 That’s your fucking hero?
    0:11:15 – I think the worm has turned against this guy.
    0:11:17 I think that moment you were describing
    0:11:19 happened 48 hours ago.
    0:11:22 – I still think people think he’s invincible.
    0:11:22 – There’s no such thing.
    0:11:25 – Agreed, but this is what people believe
    0:11:27 and this is what the markets believe.
    0:11:28 And so this is what I mean.
    0:11:30 I think you need a moment.
    0:11:32 You need to see that the God fall from grace.
    0:11:34 You realize he’s mortal.
    0:11:37 You realize that actually he’s not all he was chalked up to be.
    0:11:40 And suddenly that’s when the world collapses in on itself.
    0:11:42 But we’ve been talking about Elon
    0:11:44 for way longer than we should have.
    0:11:45 So let’s just move on to our second headline here,
    0:11:50 which is Berkshire Hathaway paying $27 billion in taxes
    0:11:52 in the last year.
    0:11:54 I think the thing that’s interesting
    0:11:57 is what Warren Buffett said about this tax bill.
    0:12:00 Specifically, he was talking in his shareholder letter
    0:12:03 in his annual letter to Berkshire Hathaway shareholders.
    0:12:08 He was explaining how proud he was of paying this tax bill
    0:12:12 and contributing this revenue to the US government.
    0:12:16 And I’ll just quote one part of this
    0:12:18 because I’m supportive of what he said,
    0:12:20 but I also take some issue with it.
    0:12:24 So in the letter, he’s describing the beginnings
    0:12:25 of Berkshire Hathaway
    0:12:27 and how they were struggling at the beginning.
    0:12:29 And then he says, quote, fast forward 60 years
    0:12:31 and imagine the surprise at the treasury
    0:12:32 when that same company,
    0:12:35 still operating under the name of Berkshire Hathaway,
    0:12:37 paid far more in corporate income tax
    0:12:41 than the US government had ever received from any company,
    0:12:43 even the American tech titans
    0:12:46 that commanded market values in the trillions.
    0:12:50 So he’s basically saying, look how far we’ve come.
    0:12:53 Look what we’re contributing to the government.
    0:12:57 But at the same time, he’s kind of taking a shot at big tech
    0:12:59 and accusing them of not paying taxes,
    0:13:04 which is true and fair and I agree with it.
    0:13:06 But I do find it a little bit rich
    0:13:08 coming from Warren Buffett,
    0:13:10 who has done a very good job of avoiding taxes himself.
    0:13:14 I mean, if you look at the history of Berkshire Hathaway,
    0:13:17 they have a long list of tax avoidance strategies
    0:13:20 and they’ve had no problem taking full advantage of them.
    0:13:23 We could go through some of those examples,
    0:13:25 but what I would summarize this as,
    0:13:28 I respect the point,
    0:13:31 but I don’t love this holier than thou attitude
    0:13:32 from Warren Buffett,
    0:13:36 who’s kind of presenting himself as like the Jesus of taxes,
    0:13:39 which isn’t necessarily true,
    0:13:42 but let’s hear what you think of this.
    0:13:43 I assume you’re a supporter of this.
    0:13:44 – Yeah, but you got to write.
    0:13:47 Like, fine, they paid a lot of taxes.
    0:13:49 If she wants to take a victory lap for it
    0:13:50 and make a point, good for him.
    0:13:51 And he has said for a long time,
    0:13:53 there’s no reason I should pay a lower tax rate
    0:13:55 than my assistant,
    0:13:57 but his obligation to a Swiss shareholder
    0:13:59 is no one’s going to disarm unilaterally.
    0:14:01 I believe tax rates should go up,
    0:14:02 but I engage in tax avoidance.
    0:14:04 So I’m constantly thinking about strategies
    0:14:06 to minimize my tax bill.
    0:14:08 And there’s a ton of ways you can do it legally
    0:14:10 when you’re rich.
    0:14:12 And what we’ve seen as a tax code go from
    0:14:15 something like 400 pages to 7,000,
    0:14:17 and those incremental 6,600 pages
    0:14:19 are there basically to fuck people of your generation
    0:14:21 and transfer more wealth to my generation
    0:14:22 and to corporations.
    0:14:26 And cruise lines have weaponized various loopholes.
    0:14:29 They pay less than 2% for old tax rates.
    0:14:33 General Motors in 2023 paid a tax rate of 5%.
    0:14:36 T-Mobile, which I would think was a very profitable company,
    0:14:40 pays an effective tax rate of 0.4%.
    0:14:41 Every company’s going to do the best they can
    0:14:42 to pay as little as they can.
    0:14:43 That’s their job.
    0:14:44 We’re not doing our job.
    0:14:46 And that is there have been so many loopholes
    0:14:49 stuffed into the tax code.
    0:14:50 And what the misdirect is,
    0:14:51 people think it’s about tax rates.
    0:14:54 It’s not, it’s about the tax code.
    0:14:57 And I believe that as a percentage of GDP taxes
    0:15:02 or corporations are paying the lowest taxes since like 1938.
    0:15:04 And at some point you got to fund the government.
    0:15:05 And there’s two things to do.
    0:15:08 There’s either deficits, right?
    0:15:10 Or you got to charge more
    0:15:13 in different types of consumption taxes.
    0:15:14 And I’ve said this for a long time.
    0:15:16 There’s some mythology in the tax code.
    0:15:18 The bottom half pays almost no federal income tax.
    0:15:20 They pay a lot of consumption and sales tax,
    0:15:22 but almost no federal income tax.
    0:15:24 The people who get most screwed in our tax system
    0:15:29 are actually most of the people who work at property media.
    0:15:31 And that is, you guys make very good livings,
    0:15:32 but it’s all current income.
    0:15:35 And you live in a high tax domain, New York City.
    0:15:36 So even as young as you are,
    0:15:38 you make exceptionally good livings for people your age,
    0:15:40 even though you may not feel that way.
    0:15:44 You’re probably paying 30 to 40% tax rates at this point.
    0:15:46 That’s a lot of money for a young person.
    0:15:48 And, but once you make the jump to light speed
    0:15:49 and get really rich,
    0:15:51 you can leverage all these different loopholes,
    0:15:55 whether it’s 1031 exchanges
    0:15:56 where you can take real estate
    0:15:59 and roll it into a new investment,
    0:16:00 a new real estate investment
    0:16:01 without incurring a capital gain,
    0:16:04 triggering a capital gain.
    0:16:06 Even thinking of yourself as a stock,
    0:16:09 you produce, I have stocks that produce,
    0:16:12 say a hundred grand a year in dividends or growth.
    0:16:14 That gets to grow on the dividends,
    0:16:16 but the growth, gross tax deferred.
    0:16:18 Whereas if you’re an individual making $100,000,
    0:16:21 you lose 20% of it every year at least.
    0:16:24 So the tax code has basically said,
    0:16:26 all right, the bottom 99,
    0:16:28 we’re gonna basically fund the government
    0:16:32 with the kind of 50 to 99th percentile.
    0:16:34 And then once you get above the 99th,
    0:16:36 your tax rates plummet.
    0:16:37 And the reason why America puts up with it
    0:16:39 is that we’re so optimistic
    0:16:41 that people believe at some point
    0:16:43 they’re gonna be in the 0.1%.
    0:16:47 But corporations, I mean, we just have two choices here.
    0:16:49 We either need to cut spending and raise taxes
    0:16:52 or have massive deficits, which are,
    0:16:54 and it’s important that we communicate this to people,
    0:16:56 nothing but taxes on you and Claire
    0:16:57 and the rest of the young people of this organization
    0:17:00 just kind of laying in wait.
    0:17:02 So I find the whole,
    0:17:05 I think taxes are a really important conversation.
    0:17:07 I would like to see the best solution
    0:17:09 would be an AMT and alternative minimum tax
    0:17:12 on corporations and the rich.
    0:17:14 And that is if you make over say $10 million,
    0:17:18 we want you to pay a 50% AMT.
    0:17:20 Whatever loopholes you can come up with, great,
    0:17:21 but you’re paying at least 50%, you know,
    0:17:23 well, that’s a lot, Scott.
    0:17:27 It’s not because every psychiatrist and psychologist
    0:17:28 and Daniel Kahneman specifically
    0:17:30 has shown that above a certain amount of money,
    0:17:31 you lose no happiness.
    0:17:35 Any more money doesn’t make you any happier,
    0:17:37 so having a higher tax rate doesn’t make you any less happy.
    0:17:40 And also these tax rates are lower than they were
    0:17:43 in the 50s, 60s, 70s and even in the 80s
    0:17:44 at those income levels.
    0:17:48 So I think tax rates could actually come down
    0:17:52 if you forced everyone to pay those tax rates.
    0:17:55 And that is you could lower the top tax rates on people
    0:17:57 if everyone paid them.
    0:17:59 You could lower corporate tax rates
    0:18:02 if everyone paid that rate.
    0:18:04 – I also think that there is something to be learned
    0:18:08 from Warren Buffett just being happy to pay his taxes.
    0:18:10 Like that’s just on a personal emotional level.
    0:18:11 I think if we can, you know,
    0:18:13 we clearly need to raise more tax revenue.
    0:18:18 If there is any way for Americans or people anywhere
    0:18:22 really to feel a little bit less resentful
    0:18:24 when they make their tax payments
    0:18:28 and to feel that feeling of actually having pride
    0:18:29 and it being a bragging point,
    0:18:32 how much you contributed to the US government,
    0:18:33 which it seems like that’s, you know,
    0:18:35 everyone who pays their taxes is like, fuck this,
    0:18:37 I don’t want to pay my taxes.
    0:18:39 But I do like that Warren Buffett
    0:18:41 is kind of changing the sentiment there.
    0:18:43 And I will also shout out Andrew Yang,
    0:18:45 who one of his great policy proposals
    0:18:46 when he was running for president
    0:18:50 was that we should basically have the government send out
    0:18:55 videos, including local governments to taxpayers,
    0:18:57 telling them, here’s everything we did
    0:19:00 with your money this week or this month or this year.
    0:19:04 And I think if you could sort of just change the mentality
    0:19:06 when it comes to paying taxes,
    0:19:08 I mean, it’s a little bit of a soft point,
    0:19:11 but I do appreciate that Warren Buffett
    0:19:14 is leading that movement of, okay,
    0:19:17 paying a lot in taxes is not necessarily a bad thing.
    0:19:20 You’re doing a service to your country.
    0:19:23 I guess you have to start off believing in your country
    0:19:24 and liking your country to begin with,
    0:19:27 which is becoming rarer and rarer in America.
    0:19:30 Now, let’s talk about BP.
    0:19:33 They’re deciding to shift away from renewables,
    0:19:35 investing more in oil and gas.
    0:19:37 I guess the first question I had reading this headline
    0:19:40 is how much did Elliott management,
    0:19:41 the activist investment firm,
    0:19:43 how much did Elliott have to do with this?
    0:19:47 Because two weeks ago it was leaked
    0:19:51 that they had this stake in BP, roughly 5%.
    0:19:54 They wanted to clearly address BP’s underperformance.
    0:19:56 It’s down 8% in the past year.
    0:19:58 Meanwhile, Shell is up 7%
    0:20:00 and all the other energy companies are doing a lot better.
    0:20:02 And then suddenly two weeks later,
    0:20:04 we see this turnaround in strategy.
    0:20:07 So I guess my first question for you, Scott,
    0:20:10 to what extent do you think this was Elliott’s doing?
    0:20:11 – Oh, Elliott, they’re smart people.
    0:20:14 And Jessica, when he runs our activist group,
    0:20:15 is a really smart guy.
    0:20:16 And marketing is important,
    0:20:18 but be clear, this is all marketing.
    0:20:20 I’m not sure, I think BP was actually,
    0:20:23 so I ran a brand strategy firm called Profit.
    0:20:25 And I think BP was a client.
    0:20:29 And the running joke around the office was beyond petroleum.
    0:20:32 And they’d like, the ad team would hire an Asian dude,
    0:20:34 put him in a jacket and run a commercial talking
    0:20:37 about how algae is gonna fuel the future automobile.
    0:20:40 – Can 100,000 people in 100 countries come together
    0:20:43 to build a new brand of progress for the world?
    0:20:45 We think so.
    0:20:48 And now BP, Amaco, Arco and Castrol have come together
    0:20:51 to try beyond petroleum.
    0:20:53 – They never spent a lot of money.
    0:20:56 I think right now, what is the research you guys did
    0:21:00 that basically BP is allocating somewhere
    0:21:03 between 3% and 5% of their total cap extra renewables.
    0:21:05 That’s just not a lot.
    0:21:08 They were never not in oil and gas.
    0:21:11 And this is basically saying, okay, get rid of all of it,
    0:21:14 stop pretending, stop running the ads beyond petroleum.
    0:21:16 Just say petroleum, it’s here.
    0:21:17 – Sorry, you think that,
    0:21:20 you basically think that they believe
    0:21:22 that the world wanted them to be a renewable company.
    0:21:24 So they said, oh, we’re a renewable company.
    0:21:26 And now the world wants them to be an oil and gas company.
    0:21:28 So they’re saying we’re an oil and gas company.
    0:21:29 – Yeah, there’s no substance here.
    0:21:33 This is them pretending for two decades,
    0:21:37 deciding that the big sunflower beyond petroleum
    0:21:38 would make them see warm and cuddly
    0:21:41 as they were belching more carbon into the air
    0:21:44 than anyone but maybe Exxon and Chevron.
    0:21:46 Because there is nothing,
    0:21:49 there is nothing like the arbitrage you get
    0:21:52 from fossil fuels in terms of the ability to do work,
    0:21:56 move earth, create different substances
    0:21:59 based on this incredibly cheap supply
    0:22:03 where you get a barrel, an absolute barrel of this shit
    0:22:05 that can be made into almost anything
    0:22:07 or providing energy to make almost anything
    0:22:09 and the barrel costs 70 bucks.
    0:22:11 I mean, it’s just so cheap.
    0:22:16 And these guys, these companies are just cash juggernauts.
    0:22:19 And basically Elliot said, stop the bullshit,
    0:22:22 stop the virtue signaling, stop the posturing.
    0:22:25 You’re a petroleum company, you always have been.
    0:22:27 – They are putting $10 billion a year
    0:22:29 additionally into oil and gas.
    0:22:33 So I think, I mean, I think I’m sort of half with you
    0:22:35 and that this is probably what they thought
    0:22:38 the market wanted because the way that the pendulum
    0:22:41 is sort of swinging back away from ESG.
    0:22:43 But I would also put forward the possibility
    0:22:47 that a lot of this has to do with AI
    0:22:48 and just the fact that they couldn’t really predict
    0:22:51 what was gonna happen in terms of how AI
    0:22:54 was gonna explode over the next few years.
    0:22:55 And you’ve got billions of dollars
    0:22:57 being plowed into these data centers,
    0:23:00 which are already one of the biggest strains
    0:23:02 on power in our economy.
    0:23:04 And it’s expected to double in just a couple of years,
    0:23:07 quintuple in maybe the next 10.
    0:23:08 So I do think at the same time,
    0:23:10 I’m sure there’s probably a marketing element to it.
    0:23:11 I think at the same time,
    0:23:15 these energy companies are realizing like shit,
    0:23:17 we’ve been investing in these renewables,
    0:23:21 which are probably pretty exciting over the long term,
    0:23:23 but the short-term demands of AI
    0:23:25 are way higher than we thought.
    0:23:27 And the reality is these renewables
    0:23:29 that we’ve been investing in, they won’t cut it.
    0:23:31 And if we wanna meet demand,
    0:23:33 we do need more oil and we do need more gas,
    0:23:36 especially gas, liquid natural gas
    0:23:38 is like ideal for data centers.
    0:23:41 So I think I’m like sort of half with you there,
    0:23:43 but I do think there is some substance here
    0:23:46 in the fact that power demand is just going up.
    0:23:48 And we’re not gonna power these data centers
    0:23:50 with windmills and solar panels.
    0:23:52 We’re gonna do it with oil and gas.
    0:23:53 And so if you’re not investing in that,
    0:23:55 or at least maybe to your point,
    0:23:58 showing Wall Street that you’re trying to invest in that
    0:23:59 and that you’re being realistic
    0:24:02 about the demands of AI in the next few years,
    0:24:03 then you’re gonna get punished.
    0:24:06 And that’s why we’ve seen BP down
    0:24:10 or at least kind of flat over the past year or so.
    0:24:12 It’s up 37% in the past five years,
    0:24:14 Chevron’s up 109%.
    0:24:16 Exxon is up 183%.
    0:24:19 So they have been getting crushed.
    0:24:24 And I don’t like to be the big energy guy,
    0:24:25 but I do support this move.
    0:24:29 – We saw a lot of those energy stocks crash with deep seek
    0:24:30 when all of a sudden people thought,
    0:24:32 oh, we might not need as much energy.
    0:24:34 And what you’re saying is that was a bit of a headache.
    0:24:37 We’re still gonna need a massive amount of energy.
    0:24:41 And I met with a guy who’s an energy guy
    0:24:43 and he said, you got nuclear wrong.
    0:24:46 He said, and Mia kind of confirmed this in her notes
    0:24:51 that the lag to bring energy capacity nuclear online
    0:24:54 is five, 10 years out at a minimum.
    0:24:58 And that the real play is liquid natural gas, LNG.
    0:25:00 And that you wanna be looking at that space.
    0:25:03 And it’ll be very interesting to see the other,
    0:25:05 there’s the side note that really fascinated me.
    0:25:06 I don’t know if you’ve saw,
    0:25:10 the number one producer of wind power now is Texas.
    0:25:12 And we should do a deeper dive at some point
    0:25:16 on the economics of wind power
    0:25:18 because it’s politically, quote unquote, incorrect
    0:25:21 or politically sober, whatever the term you wanna use this,
    0:25:25 Texas is, the economics of wind have made it such that
    0:25:28 it is now in many ways a better bet
    0:25:30 than these dirty fossil fuels.
    0:25:32 – We’ll be right back after the break
    0:25:33 with a look at Nvidia.
    0:25:34 If you’re enjoying the show so far
    0:25:35 and you haven’t subscribed,
    0:25:37 be sure to give Prof2Market to follow
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    0:29:13 – We’re back with ProfG Markets.
    0:29:15 NVIDIA reported fourth quarter earnings
    0:29:18 that beat expectations with revenue up 78%
    0:29:19 from a year earlier.
    0:29:20 The company also forecasted
    0:29:23 higher than expected first quarter revenue
    0:29:26 with the CFO confident in a quote significant ramp
    0:29:28 in sales of Blackwell,
    0:29:30 which is its next generation AI chip.
    0:29:33 However, NVIDIA also warned that profit margins
    0:29:34 would be tighter than expected
    0:29:37 as it accelerates the rollout of the Blackwell chip.
    0:29:40 After fluctuating between gains and losses,
    0:29:44 the stock actually fell slightly in extended trading.
    0:29:47 Scott, just your headline initial reactions
    0:29:48 to NVIDIA’s fourth quarter earnings
    0:29:51 and perhaps the market’s reaction to those earnings.
    0:29:53 – You had it, you summarized it perfectly, Ed.
    0:29:56 And that is the market is so used to
    0:29:59 these companies blowing away expectations
    0:30:00 that when they don’t beat expectations,
    0:30:03 they don’t meet expectations.
    0:30:07 And NVIDIA beat expectations on the top and bottom line.
    0:30:08 And I think the stock’s off today.
    0:30:10 I mean, it’s not off hugely,
    0:30:12 but you summarized it perfect.
    0:30:15 Expectations have become such that you’re expected
    0:30:18 to massively blow away expectations,
    0:30:21 but I didn’t take a ton away from this.
    0:30:22 Do you have any thoughts?
    0:30:26 – I think what the market wants from NVIDIA now
    0:30:30 is they need a home run to be fine.
    0:30:33 They need to consistently hit a home run.
    0:30:36 And only if they knock the ball literally out of the park
    0:30:38 will they get a bump in the stock.
    0:30:40 But we can just look at the numbers here.
    0:30:44 So sales up 80% to 39.3 billion,
    0:30:48 net income up 80% to 22.1 billion,
    0:30:49 beat on revenue by 3%,
    0:30:52 beat on guidance by 5%.
    0:30:54 I think the most important stat here
    0:30:56 is their data center revenue beat.
    0:31:00 They beat data center revenue expectations by 6.3%.
    0:31:01 And that’s, as we know,
    0:31:03 the most important thing for Wall Street right now.
    0:31:08 I think they did $115 billion in data center revenue in 2024.
    0:31:10 It’s just unbelievable.
    0:31:12 So it was a great quarter.
    0:31:15 But as you say, great isn’t good enough.
    0:31:17 And so they kind of flatlined.
    0:31:22 But in my book, that’s kind of a win for NVIDIA.
    0:31:24 I think a lot of people are expecting at this point
    0:31:28 that NVIDIA, they’re looking for anything
    0:31:29 to bring the stock down.
    0:31:32 And so the fact that they were able to maintain themselves
    0:31:33 is kind of impressive.
    0:31:36 We should probably talk about Deepseek
    0:31:38 and what Jensen Huang said about Deepseek.
    0:31:41 He mentioned it pretty much first thing on the call.
    0:31:43 He said, I’ll just quote what he said.
    0:31:47 He said, “Models like OpenAI, Grock 3 and Deepseek R1,
    0:31:49 are reasoning models that apply inference time-scaling
    0:31:53 and reasoning models can consume 100 times more compute.”
    0:31:56 So he kind of sounded bullish on Deepseek in a way.
    0:31:59 He then went on to say that Deepseek is quote,
    0:32:02 “An excellent innovation, but even more importantly,
    0:32:05 it has open sourced a world-class reasoning model.
    0:32:09 Nearly every AI developer is applying R1 or techniques
    0:32:12 like R1 to scale their models performance.”
    0:32:16 So if I were to translate what he’s saying about Deepseek,
    0:32:20 it’s that Deepseek can only be good for Nvidia.
    0:32:23 He says, you know, it can consume more computing power.
    0:32:26 And I’m not totally sure about that.
    0:32:29 And I don’t really believe him given what we saw
    0:32:30 in the research paper where Deepseek said,
    0:32:32 “No, we consume less compute.”
    0:32:36 But he also said that it’s democratizing AI,
    0:32:39 which will ultimately lead to even more demand
    0:32:40 for computing power.
    0:32:43 And on that point, I do agree with him.
    0:32:46 I think that, you know, if Deepseek can make this stuff
    0:32:50 more accessible, then we’re gonna see more people
    0:32:53 accessing it and more people using this stuff,
    0:32:56 which is only gonna lead to more demand for compute,
    0:32:58 which can only benefit Nvidia.
    0:33:00 This is, we’ve talked about this before.
    0:33:02 I think this is Jevyn’s paradox.
    0:33:03 A lot of tech bros talk about this.
    0:33:06 This paradox that the cheaper and more efficient
    0:33:10 a product gets, the more it is consumed in the real economy.
    0:33:12 And so Jensen’s comments at the start of the call were,
    0:33:14 “This is what’s gonna happen.
    0:33:15 It’s more accessible.
    0:33:17 It can only benefit us.”
    0:33:18 I’m sort of with him.
    0:33:20 I think the 100 times more compute power comment
    0:33:22 was probably a little bit misleading.
    0:33:25 But, you know, I look at this and I think,
    0:33:28 okay, Nvidia’s crushing it, keep going.
    0:33:30 – It’s great IR, it’s great investor relations
    0:33:33 to turn a bug into a feature, right?
    0:33:36 That A, confronting it head on,
    0:33:38 let’s talk about Deepseek.
    0:33:41 And this is why Deepseek is good for us.
    0:33:42 – It’s a very well-run company.
    0:33:44 He’s an outstanding CEO.
    0:33:47 I think Josh Brown said that it’s up a hundred acts.
    0:33:49 And Josh, I guess Josh has owned it for 10 years.
    0:33:52 – Yeah, I couldn’t believe when he said that.
    0:33:53 By the way, we were wondering,
    0:33:54 how much do you think he put in?
    0:33:57 – I have no idea, but I know I met Josh
    0:33:59 through his partner, Barry Ritholtz,
    0:34:00 who’s also a very smart guy.
    0:34:03 And they’re trying to be sort of a hybrid
    0:34:07 between a hedge fund and their business model and Vanguard.
    0:34:09 And that is every time their AUM goes up,
    0:34:11 they charge us money, but they’re very,
    0:34:13 they’re not stock pickers.
    0:34:14 Well, I guess they’re stock pickers to a certain extent,
    0:34:15 but they’re very much–
    0:34:16 – They’re sober about it.
    0:34:18 – Yeah, they’re one of the few funds
    0:34:20 I’ve ever thought investing in an even bank fees
    0:34:23 because they’re just very sober kind of level-headed guys
    0:34:26 and they give it kind of, give it to you straight.
    0:34:27 And oh yeah, those guys are like fun to go out
    0:34:29 and eat beef and drink bourbon with.
    0:34:32 They’re such like long island guys.
    0:34:34 Like I don’t even like basketball.
    0:34:35 – Which is the most important thing
    0:34:37 in the wealth management business.
    0:34:37 You need to be–
    0:34:40 – 100%, but if I was gonna go to a next game with anybody
    0:34:43 and then go have a big steak, it’d be those guys.
    0:34:44 – 100%.
    0:34:46 – Look, it’s an incredible company.
    0:34:48 I’m pissed off, I never owned it.
    0:34:50 I have a difficult time seeing where it goes from here
    0:34:55 based on how just expensive it has become, but–
    0:34:55 – It was interesting.
    0:35:00 I mean, I was watching CNBC the night before the earnings
    0:35:05 and CNBC had probably every single analyst on their roster
    0:35:09 come on to talk about this topic
    0:35:13 and specifically to make a big, bold prediction about it.
    0:35:15 And it was really interesting
    0:35:17 seeing all of these analysts getting so fired up.
    0:35:19 – Investors are awaiting the most anticipated report
    0:35:22 of the whole earnings season just a couple hours from now.
    0:35:24 – The bottom line is if they can beat $38 billion
    0:35:26 in sales for the quarter, it’s gonna be a great quarter.
    0:35:27 – What they’re gonna report,
    0:35:29 this quarter is gonna be fantastic.
    0:35:31 – You know, this does remind me of the bubble,
    0:35:32 but it’s on steroids.
    0:35:35 I mean, there is a data point, a podcast, a rumor
    0:35:36 every five minutes.
    0:35:39 By the way, they had Aswath demotorin on
    0:35:42 and his prediction was Nvidia’s going to beat,
    0:35:44 but the stock’s gonna come down a little bit.
    0:35:48 Aswath absolutely nailed it as he often does.
    0:35:51 But I guess the big takeaway for me from watching that
    0:35:53 and from seeing all of the memes online
    0:35:55 on Twitter, on Instagram, on threads,
    0:36:00 this is basically like the Super Bowl for nerds now,
    0:36:01 for business nerds.
    0:36:02 – That’s a new sport, 100%.
    0:36:05 – And there was this great data from the team.
    0:36:08 Google search volume four Nvidia beat out
    0:36:10 at 4 p.m. the day of the earnings.
    0:36:12 It beat out searches for the New York Times,
    0:36:17 for Wikipedia, for Instagram, and for chat GBT.
    0:36:20 So this really is like, yeah, it’s the business Super Bowl.
    0:36:23 It’s one of those moments where the entire business community
    0:36:25 is coming together and they’re making predictions
    0:36:27 and it’s a ton of fun.
    0:36:29 It’s a ton of fun for CNBC too.
    0:36:32 And as someone who’s trying to make business news
    0:36:34 more interesting, I kind of love it.
    0:36:36 – You know what would be a total gangster move
    0:36:39 is if Elliot convinced Nvidia to become a petroleum company.
    0:36:42 (laughing)
    0:36:43 That’d be a test.
    0:36:44 – I think you should become an activist
    0:36:46 and maybe you can pitch that next time.
    0:36:47 – There you go.
    0:36:50 – We’ll be right back after the break
    0:36:52 with a look at the new American Gold Card.
    0:36:55 If you’re enjoying the show so far, hit follow
    0:36:57 and leave us a review on Proficy Markets.
    0:36:59 (upbeat music)
    0:37:10 – We’re taking Vox Media Podcast on the road
    0:37:11 and heading back to Austin
    0:37:13 for the South by Southwest Festival,
    0:37:14 March 8th through the 10th.
    0:37:19 What a thrill, chicken fajitas, queso, strawberry margarita,
    0:37:20 extra shot of tequila.
    0:37:22 There you’ll be able to see special live episodes
    0:37:25 of hit shows, including our show Pivot.
    0:37:27 Where should we begin with Esther Perrell?
    0:37:29 A touch more with Sue Bird and Megan Rapinoe.
    0:37:31 Not just football with Cam Hayward
    0:37:35 and more presented by Smartsheet.
    0:37:38 The Vox Media Podcast stage at South by Southwest
    0:37:41 is open to all South by Southwest badge holders.
    0:37:43 We hope to see you at the Austin Convention Center soon.
    0:37:44 I’m not joking.
    0:37:46 I love South by Southwest.
    0:37:47 The people are a ton of fun.
    0:37:49 It’s a great time.
    0:37:51 If you do come up and say hi,
    0:37:55 visit voxmedia.com/sxsw to learn more.
    0:37:59 That’s voxmedia.com/sxsw.
    0:38:05 We’re taking Vox Media Podcast on the road
    0:38:06 and heading back to Austin
    0:38:10 for the South by Southwest Festival, March 8th through the 10th.
    0:38:11 What a thrill.
    0:38:14 We’ll be doing special live episodes of hit shows,
    0:38:15 including Pivot.
    0:38:16 That’s right.
    0:38:18 That dog’s going to the great state of Texas.
    0:38:21 Where should we begin with Esther Perrell?
    0:38:24 A touch more with Sue Bird and Megan Rapinoe.
    0:38:27 Not just football with Cam Hayward and more,
    0:38:29 presented by Smartsheet.
    0:38:32 The Vox Media Podcast stage at South by Southwest
    0:38:35 is open to all South by Southwest badge holders.
    0:38:37 We hope to see you at the Austin Convention Center soon.
    0:38:42 Visit voxmedia.com/sxsw to learn more.
    0:38:46 That’s voxmedia.com/sxsw.
    0:38:52 This week on ProfG Markets,
    0:38:53 we speak with Mike Moffitt,
    0:38:55 Founding Director of the University of Ottawa’s
    0:38:57 Missing Middle Initiative
    0:39:00 and a former economic advisor to Justin Trudeau.
    0:39:02 We dive into the state of Canadian politics
    0:39:04 and we get his take on the biggest challenges
    0:39:06 facing Canada’s economy.
    0:39:10 Canada’s economy is like three oligopolies in a trench coat.
    0:39:12 We have a lot of inequality that way.
    0:39:16 We have high levels of market concentration
    0:39:19 because we have this tension in Canada
    0:39:21 where we want things to be Canadian.
    0:39:23 We want Canadian ownership.
    0:39:25 But when you do that, you create a moat.
    0:39:28 And whenever you create barriers to entry,
    0:39:31 you’re going to naturally create oligopolies.
    0:39:33 You can find that conversation
    0:39:36 exclusively on the ProfG Markets podcast.
    0:39:45 We’re back with ProfG Markets.
    0:39:48 Trump is launching a new gold card program,
    0:39:50 offering residency and a path to citizenship
    0:39:51 for wealthy investors.
    0:39:54 But it comes with a steep price.
    0:39:56 Participants will need to pay $5 million
    0:39:58 directly to the US government
    0:40:01 with the funds going toward paying down the federal deficit.
    0:40:04 The program set to launch in just two weeks
    0:40:07 will replace the existing EB-5 visa program
    0:40:09 which grants visas to foreign investors
    0:40:11 who finance US projects.
    0:40:13 However, immigration experts argue
    0:40:16 that Congress must approve this change first.
    0:40:19 Scott, I’d like to just quickly start off
    0:40:22 by clearing something up on this EB-5 thing.
    0:40:24 The Trump administration is saying
    0:40:27 that this is no different from the EB-5 program,
    0:40:30 which was set up in around 1990, I believe.
    0:40:32 And this is a program where you pay a million dollars
    0:40:33 to get a green card.
    0:40:35 They’re saying, well, this is the same.
    0:40:38 It’s just five million, not quite.
    0:40:40 The EB-5 visa is actually quite different
    0:40:42 because it’s a conditional visa
    0:40:45 that is dependent on your ability to prove
    0:40:48 after two years that you have created
    0:40:51 an invested in a legitimate American business
    0:40:53 and you have to prove that you have created
    0:40:57 at least 10 full-time jobs for Americans.
    0:40:58 So it’s different in the fact
    0:41:01 that it requires actual real investment,
    0:41:04 not just your money, but your time
    0:41:06 and your effort and real commitment.
    0:41:08 And I think to me, that is the crucial difference here.
    0:41:11 This gold card is very simply pay-to-play.
    0:41:15 You hand over the cash, you get the visa, one and done.
    0:41:17 And I think when it comes to citizenship,
    0:41:20 that is an important thing to recognize
    0:41:23 is you’re actually investing your time
    0:41:24 and your effort and your commitment
    0:41:25 versus just your money.
    0:41:27 – Well, this isn’t anything new.
    0:41:29 Europe has a bunch of these programs.
    0:41:32 They get, I think they garner
    0:41:34 or different countries in Europe garner
    0:41:36 about three billion in euros each year
    0:41:38 from selling different visas.
    0:41:42 I’m on a tech talent visa here in the UK
    0:41:44 where I convinced them that I would bring unique skills
    0:41:46 and they gave me a five-year visa.
    0:41:48 But there was a similar program,
    0:41:50 I think in the first Trump administration
    0:41:52 where if you purchased a certain amount of real estate,
    0:41:53 maybe it was for people out of China,
    0:41:55 and the Canada has these programs.
    0:41:56 I mean, this isn’t anything new.
    0:42:00 What’s different about this is the price point.
    0:42:03 And at $5 million, that’s just exceptional.
    0:42:06 And someone did some analysis and said that
    0:42:10 if you’re gonna pay $5 million for a visa,
    0:42:14 it means you’re worth at least $25 million.
    0:42:16 They’re just not that many people
    0:42:17 that could afford this thing.
    0:42:22 So this bullshit that we might raise $5 to $50 trillion.
    0:42:24 I don’t have a problem with it.
    0:42:27 The only thing is at this price point,
    0:42:30 if you can’t figure out a way to get into America
    0:42:33 or another Western country for a lot less than this,
    0:42:37 it means you’re on the run from the tax authorities
    0:42:39 or you’re pretty shady.
    0:42:41 I mean, there’s some analogies here.
    0:42:44 So one of my, when people asked me,
    0:42:46 by the way, I spoke at the Royal Academy of Arts last night.
    0:42:47 Ed, I don’t know if you heard
    0:42:48 if you heard about it in the press.
    0:42:52 – I did hear, a friend of mine said he met you, this guy.
    0:42:55 – Oh, the former Golden guy came up to me and he was like,
    0:42:57 I know Ed Elson, I’m like, well, I’m good for you.
    0:43:00 You’re a nice man.
    0:43:01 – Very cool that Royal Academy is very cool.
    0:43:03 – Yeah, it was like a London highlight for me.
    0:43:06 Anyway, it’s been, people always asking Q and A,
    0:43:10 how would you distinguish the US from America?
    0:43:14 And I say, look, my sense is unfortunately in the UK,
    0:43:16 most of the people I know, including the people in this room
    0:43:18 was room of very successful people.
    0:43:22 Their servicing wealth built or made somewhere else.
    0:43:26 And effectively some form of this was a huge,
    0:43:29 a hugely successful program for Britain.
    0:43:30 And that is, I think it was in the 90s,
    0:43:33 Tony Blair or the odds put in place
    0:43:35 really strict private property laws.
    0:43:36 And that, as he said,
    0:43:38 I don’t care if you’re an African warlord
    0:43:40 or a Russian oligarch,
    0:43:41 if you bring $100 million in the UK
    0:43:45 and you buy a $30 million house in Mayfair,
    0:43:48 they can’t come for it.
    0:43:50 I mean, they meaning any other government
    0:43:52 can’t come and take your shit away.
    0:43:53 Once you have private property here in the UK
    0:43:57 or you have money in our banks, no one can come for it.
    0:43:59 And people would argue it attracted
    0:44:01 some unsavory characters.
    0:44:02 At the same time, the majority of the capital
    0:44:04 and the majority of people attracted
    0:44:06 were just very successful people.
    0:44:08 And over the last 30 or 40 years,
    0:44:09 and I know this firsthand,
    0:44:11 having come to the UK once or twice a year
    0:44:13 for the last 40 years,
    0:44:15 London just got a dramatic facelift
    0:44:18 because it attracted so much capital.
    0:44:21 The US attracts people who want to make money.
    0:44:24 The UK and a lot of these places attract people
    0:44:27 who want to spend their money or shelter it.
    0:44:31 And I wonder what kind of person are we gonna attract
    0:44:35 if they have to spend $5 million to get into the US?
    0:44:38 One, it’s gonna be someone very rich
    0:44:42 who quite frankly is a little bit in a hurry.
    0:44:45 And why are they, okay, they’re rich
    0:44:47 and they’re in a hurry
    0:44:50 and willing to give $5 million to get into the US.
    0:44:53 That says to me like, okay,
    0:44:58 the local tax authorities or the local law enforcement
    0:45:00 is circling, right?
    0:45:02 And they’re closing in on me
    0:45:05 and I need to get out and get to America.
    0:45:08 And so it’ll be really interesting.
    0:45:10 First off, this just isn’t gonna raise that much money
    0:45:12 ’cause I just don’t think there’s that many people.
    0:45:15 The total adjustable market here is not that big.
    0:45:17 The most interesting thing about this
    0:45:19 will be some great investigative journalist
    0:45:21 will get a source on the inside
    0:45:24 and he or she will get the names of the 100 people
    0:45:26 that do this, the first 100.
    0:45:28 And it’s gonna be really interesting
    0:45:30 to profile those people.
    0:45:32 And in one way or another,
    0:45:35 what this is is people on the run would be my guess.
    0:45:40 People who wanna get out of the reach of tax authorities
    0:45:43 or law enforcement in their host nation
    0:45:47 because there are cheaper ways to get to America
    0:45:49 than a $5 million.
    0:45:53 This is sort of like giving the Trump administration
    0:45:55 or in the Clinton and Clinton did this too,
    0:45:58 a huge donation hoping for a pardon.
    0:46:01 To me, this is like effectively a $5 million.
    0:46:04 You’re buying a pardon, if you will, from another nation.
    0:46:08 ‘Cause I wonder if, especially with the Trump administration,
    0:46:09 if part of the wink-wink around this
    0:46:13 is you can’t be extradited by another country.
    0:46:16 – I just wanna emphasize the numbers here.
    0:46:18 I mean, you mentioned how the total adjustable market
    0:46:19 is not that big.
    0:46:22 I just wanna get concrete here.
    0:46:25 So Trump said, he had this press conference
    0:46:27 with the cabinet.
    0:46:30 He said, “If a million people buy the Golden Visa,
    0:46:33 “that’s $5 trillion to pay down our debts.”
    0:46:35 Then he said, “If 10 million people buy, quote,
    0:46:38 “which is possible, that’s $50 trillion.”
    0:46:40 Let’s just be very clear here.
    0:46:42 Credit Suisse did this analysis
    0:46:45 of ultra-high net worth individuals across the world.
    0:46:47 So that’s people worth $50 million or more.
    0:46:52 There are only 264,000 ultra-wealthy people in the world.
    0:46:56 And by the way, 150,000 of those people are American.
    0:47:00 So that only leaves you with 114,000 people left over
    0:47:02 and only those people would even consider
    0:47:04 getting this Golden Visa.
    0:47:06 I think at most this generates maybe a couple hundred
    0:47:09 billion dollars, more likely, I think,
    0:47:11 would be just a few billion dollars.
    0:47:15 So I just wanna be clear about the numbers here.
    0:47:19 As you said, your instinct was it doesn’t make sense.
    0:47:22 I’m looking at the numbers, it does not make sense.
    0:47:25 Now the price we pay for that tiny little bit
    0:47:30 of additional revenue to me is very high.
    0:47:34 And I hate this and I’m surprised you don’t hate it
    0:47:37 as much as I do because what this is basically saying
    0:47:39 is that citizenship in America is now for sale.
    0:47:42 – Well, it has been for a while, just to be clear.
    0:47:43 If you have money, you’ve been able to get into the US
    0:47:44 for a while.
    0:47:47 – Not with this level of swiftness.
    0:47:48 I mean, I don’t like this.
    0:47:51 And I look at you, I think London is the great comparison.
    0:47:53 I look at what’s happened to London.
    0:47:56 When you go to Knightsbridge, yeah, it’s wealthy,
    0:47:57 but it’s also a ghost town
    0:48:00 because you’ve got hundreds of these ultra-luxury apartments.
    0:48:04 With no one in them because it’s just a vehicle
    0:48:05 for these Russian billionaires
    0:48:07 who want to park their money somewhere safe.
    0:48:10 Usually that money was made in very ugly ways.
    0:48:14 And so they buy these giant apartments at One Hyde Park.
    0:48:16 And so America has decided, oh yeah, we like that.
    0:48:17 Let’s do that.
    0:48:20 But I need to get your official,
    0:48:23 your official where you land on this gold visa thing.
    0:48:26 What I’m hearing from you is this is stupid,
    0:48:29 but it’s not that problematic
    0:48:31 because America has always been for sale.
    0:48:33 – Every Western nation at one point or another
    0:48:34 has been selling visas.
    0:48:37 Has been basically, we live in a capitalist economy.
    0:48:38 If you have money, you can figure out a way
    0:48:42 to become a citizen of almost any nation with enough money.
    0:48:43 And a lot of people would argue
    0:48:47 the Trump administration is doing what the government’s
    0:48:48 always done and Democrats have always done.
    0:48:51 They’re just more transparent and more brazen about it.
    0:48:53 I’ve engaged in this arbitrage.
    0:48:56 And that is Claude de Jocas,
    0:48:58 arguably one of the two or three most talented people
    0:48:59 I’ve ever worked with.
    0:49:02 Canadian, went to Yale, a gymnast,
    0:49:07 just so impressive, great presence, hardworking,
    0:49:09 working at L2, brings me, asks,
    0:49:09 “What can I speak to you?”
    0:49:10 Brings me the comments from,
    0:49:13 “I’m really sorry, but I just got a message or a letter
    0:49:16 from the INS saying I have to return to Canada.”
    0:49:18 And I’m like, “Fuck that.”
    0:49:19 I’m like, “Don’t worry about it.”
    0:49:22 I’m like, “I can figure this out, I’ve got money.”
    0:49:25 And you know, stay put, don’t worry about it.
    0:49:26 And we’ll figure this out.
    0:49:28 I lawyer it up with immigration attorneys
    0:49:31 and Claude has never left the U.S.
    0:49:32 – Oh, really?
    0:49:34 ‘Cause I have a lot of talented friends
    0:49:36 who are having issues with this.
    0:49:37 I have a Canadian friend.
    0:49:40 – It’s gotten much worse the last couple of years.
    0:49:41 The last two or three years,
    0:49:43 basically since the first Trump administration,
    0:49:45 and this is just shooting ourselves in the foot,
    0:49:48 that we’re heavy-handed with the wrong people.
    0:49:50 We need to have borders.
    0:49:54 We need to be, I’m all for deported criminals.
    0:49:57 I’m all for, the whole immigration debate,
    0:50:00 and we’re going way past here, but going to the low end,
    0:50:03 if you wanted to solve this illegal immigration problem,
    0:50:04 all you would do is find employers.
    0:50:06 But no one wants to do that.
    0:50:09 But at the high end, this is just,
    0:50:11 it’s again another distraction.
    0:50:12 It’s not gonna raise that much money.
    0:50:15 The most interesting thing is that casted characters,
    0:50:19 it’s gonna draw, who actually are willing to pay $5 million
    0:50:21 so they can camp out.
    0:50:22 It almost feels like
    0:50:24 the most expensive witness protection program in history.
    0:50:26 (laughing)
    0:50:27 – That’s good.
    0:50:30 All right, let’s take a look at the week ahead.
    0:50:32 We’ll see the unemployment rate for February,
    0:50:36 as well as earnings from Costco, Broadcom, and CrowdStrike.
    0:50:38 Scott, do you have any predictions for us?
    0:50:40 – I was reading that, essentially,
    0:50:43 if you look at the history of different sectors
    0:50:45 or categories of stocks,
    0:50:48 and 100 being the most expensive they’ve ever been,
    0:50:50 and zero being, or one being the least expensive
    0:50:51 they’ve ever been,
    0:50:54 US growth stocks are at 98 right now,
    0:50:57 meaning that only 2% of the time in history
    0:50:59 have they been trading at higher multiples on earnings.
    0:51:03 At the same time, European value stocks
    0:51:08 are trading at 2%, meaning 98% of the time
    0:51:09 they have traded at higher multiples
    0:51:13 throughout economic history, or modern economic history.
    0:51:15 And so this isn’t a prediction, but this is what I’m doing.
    0:51:20 I am starting to sell down some of my US tech stocks,
    0:51:22 Apple, Amazon, and some others,
    0:51:27 and rotating into these very boring European value ETFs.
    0:51:29 – Good luck.
    0:51:31 – But that’s what I love about this strategy,
    0:51:34 ’cause about the time everybody throws in the towel,
    0:51:35 I remember, probably the best investment,
    0:51:39 I would say, in terms of a lack of volatility,
    0:51:44 is in 2010, I started buying homes,
    0:51:45 actually my partner, I can’t take credit,
    0:51:48 buying homes out of foreclosure in Florida.
    0:51:53 And nobody wanted Florida real estate.
    0:51:56 And it didn’t seem like it was ever gonna get fixed.
    0:51:58 That’s when you invest.
    0:52:01 And I feel like just your reaction,
    0:52:05 that means it’s time to invest in European value companies.
    0:52:06 And there’s still some great companies,
    0:52:11 Nestle, L’Oreal, British Petroleum, Shell, Mercedes.
    0:52:16 Anyway, so I think this rotation is about to happen,
    0:52:20 or it might be three months, it might be three years.
    0:52:23 I think over, if you have a 10 year time horizon,
    0:52:26 I think you trim out of US growth
    0:52:28 and you trim into Florida real estate,
    0:52:30 which right now is European value.
    0:52:35 – This episode was produced by Claire Miller
    0:52:37 and engineered by Benjamin Spencer.
    0:52:39 Our associate producer is Allison Weiss.
    0:52:40 Mia Silverio is our research lead.
    0:52:43 Isabella Kinsell is our research associate.
    0:52:45 Drew Burrows is our technical director.
    0:52:47 And Katharine Dillon is our executive producer.
    0:52:49 Thank you for listening to ProfG Markets
    0:52:51 from the Vox Media Podcast Network.
    0:52:54 Join us on Thursday for our conversation
    0:52:57 with Jonathan Cantor, only on ProfG Markets.
    0:53:03 ♪ Lifetimes ♪
    0:53:11 ♪ You help me ♪
    0:53:16 ♪ In kind reunion ♪
    0:53:23 ♪ As the world turns ♪
    0:53:28 ♪ And the dark lights ♪
    0:53:31 ♪ And love, love, love ♪
    0:53:33 (soft music)

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    Scott and Ed open the show by discussing Tesla’s shrinking market cap, Berkshire Hathaway’s record-breaking tax bill, and BP’s pivot back to fossil fuels. Then they break down Nvidia’s earnings, explaining why investors weren’t impressed even though the company surpassed expectations. Ed shares why he still sees it as a win, despite Nvidia’s stock dipping slightly. They also discuss Trump’s new gold card visa program and explain why demand is more limited than the president thinks. Scott warns that the program could attract shady characters trying to buy their way into America.

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  • Ashley Lemieux: How Entrepreneurs Can Overcome Loss, Heal, and Build a Thriving Business | E340

    AI transcript
    0:00:04 Today’s episode of YAP is sponsored in part by Microsoft Teams,
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    0:01:09 Build stronger customer relationships and respond faster with shared numbers, AI, and automations.
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    0:01:22 Get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com/profiting.
    0:01:24 Terms and conditions apply.
    0:01:30 As always, you can find all of our incredible deals in the show notes or at youngandprofiting.com/deals.
    0:01:39 We experienced a very unexpected contested adoption and we ended up losing the kids.
    0:01:46 The lack of purpose that I felt in my life is something that made it really hard for me to get out of bed in the morning.
    0:01:52 Until I got to the point where I was like, I have to figure out what my intention for my life is now.
    0:01:55 And so I started with one simple question every single morning.
    0:02:01 And that question was, so that’s when the concept of clarity mapping really started.
    0:02:06 How did you get over the shame of starting a company and shutting it down?
    0:02:12 We get scared of this idea of starting over, but you’re not starting over, you can’t.
    0:02:18 You have so much knowledge now, and so you get to now apply all of that into the next thing.
    0:02:24 Do you feel like entrepreneurs deal with grief and stress differently than other people?
    0:02:28 Something that is very common among entrepreneurs is…
    0:02:52 Yeah, fam, if you’ve ever struggled with grief, loss, trauma, feeling stuck, or just the occasional bout of seasonal depression,
    0:02:55 then today’s episode is just what the doctor ordered.
    0:03:00 My guest today is Ashley Lemieux, she’s the founder and CEO of The Shine Project,
    0:03:05 the author of books like Born to Shine and I Am Here, and the host of the Healing Her podcast.
    0:03:13 Ashley is an expert on grief and trauma recovery and has devoted her life to helping others reignite the light within themselves.
    0:03:18 Today, she’s going to teach us how we can all learn to shine even through some of life’s darkest moments.
    0:03:21 Ashley, welcome to Young and Profiting Podcast.
    0:03:25 Hey, thank you so much for having me. I’m so excited to be here.
    0:03:30 Thanks for joining me today, so I’m going to just jump right into it.
    0:03:35 For a lot of us entrepreneurs, our businesses grow out of something that we’ve struggled with in our own lives,
    0:03:38 and I feel like this has been especially the case for you.
    0:03:45 You’ve had a bunch of dark moments in your life, so why don’t we start off with the first one that I learned about when I was researching your story.
    0:03:50 It was in your 20s, you unexpectedly became the mother of two children,
    0:03:55 and then you had some traumatic experiences around that. Can you tell us what happened?
    0:04:00 Yeah, so in our mid-20s, I was actually building my first company also.
    0:04:07 We were newly married, and we didn’t have kids at all in our radar at that time.
    0:04:12 And overnight, we became permanent guardians of two kids.
    0:04:18 And for the next four years, we were a family in every sense of the word,
    0:04:23 and everything that we did revolved around raising the kids,
    0:04:27 giving them the opportunities that, as a parent, you want them to have.
    0:04:34 And all of us were under the impression that we would be together forever, for always.
    0:04:41 And during the final steps of the adoption process, we experienced a very unexpected contested adoption.
    0:04:46 And during that time, we ended up being in court for two years.
    0:04:50 I just remember the life inside of me.
    0:04:55 It felt like someone had taken a vacuum and just sucked it all out.
    0:04:59 We were in court all the time, depositions, high stress.
    0:05:05 No one knew what was going to happen. And we ended up losing the kids.
    0:05:08 I was actually on the other side of the country for work.
    0:05:12 And it happened fast. I didn’t even get to come home and say goodbye to them.
    0:05:16 And that was almost eight years ago now.
    0:05:25 And it rocked our world in a way that I did not know how to come back from,
    0:05:30 or if I even wanted to figure out how to come back from it, to be honest.
    0:05:35 Can you help us understand how you ended up with these kids in your 20s?
    0:05:41 And then are they now back in your family, or the court took them away and you just never saw them again?
    0:05:46 Yeah. So there’s parts of our story that we just don’t share all the full details of.
    0:05:51 But they were placed with us through someone we knew.
    0:05:57 And we have not had contact with them since we lost them almost eight years ago.
    0:06:04 I’m so sorry to hear that. And I know that you guys decided to move after this happened.
    0:06:09 What did that teach you about grief when you decided to move?
    0:06:10 Were you able to run away from your grief?
    0:06:17 I wanted to. We were like, okay, what can we do that will help us not feel this
    0:06:24 hell, this weight that feels like it has buried every aspect of our life.
    0:06:28 And it was really hard to be in the home that we had raised the kids in.
    0:06:33 All of our friends were friends because our kids were friends from school.
    0:06:37 We were doing things in the community altogether or sports teams and whatever.
    0:06:43 And my husband and I were like, if there’s any shot of us making it after this,
    0:06:44 we got to get away for a little while.
    0:06:48 So we ended up moving to Nashville, Tennessee.
    0:06:50 I actually had had some employees there.
    0:06:56 And everything about Nashville is very different than it is in Phoenix.
    0:06:59 And so we just said, peace out, let’s go.
    0:07:04 But then once we got to Nashville and settled in the adrenaline of a new city,
    0:07:10 of new opportunities, of the excitement of, okay, what are we going to explore?
    0:07:11 What is waiting for us here?
    0:07:15 Once that started to kind of wear off and the grief was still there,
    0:07:19 we were then like, okay, how much farther can we run?
    0:07:23 So we actually ended up packing carry-on suitcases.
    0:07:29 And we went to Europe with pretty much no plans for almost two months,
    0:07:34 hoping maybe that that would help ease the pain in that acute stage of grief
    0:07:40 when everything is just new and raw and you don’t know how to take your next breath.
    0:07:44 And again, after a while, that wore off.
    0:07:49 And so we found ourselves really having to dig deep of answering the questions,
    0:07:53 what is it that we want from our lives now?
    0:07:58 And how do we rebuild so that we can participate in our life
    0:08:01 and not regret not living it because we were too sad?
    0:08:04 We’re going to touch on this much deeper later,
    0:08:08 but you talk about this concept in your book called clarity mapping.
    0:08:11 So was this one of the first instances of you starting to get clarity
    0:08:13 around your life and what you wanted?
    0:08:16 Yeah. So what was really hard for me?
    0:08:21 And I think a lot of people can relate to this in whatever role you are in.
    0:08:27 Let’s say you identify with your role of motherhood or as a wife or a partner
    0:08:32 or your role at work or whatever that thing is that really shapes your identity.
    0:08:39 If that is taken away from you and is no longer a part of your daily world,
    0:08:41 you don’t have to base your decisions around it anymore.
    0:08:45 Your actions aren’t based off of doing that thing because it is gone.
    0:08:52 The lack of purpose that I felt in my life no longer being a physical mother
    0:08:57 is something that made it really hard for me to get out of bed in the morning.
    0:09:03 I didn’t know how to focus my time and my energy anymore.
    0:09:07 It didn’t matter at that point because my business was running.
    0:09:10 It was okay for me to step away for a little bit.
    0:09:14 It did not matter if I got out of bed or not.
    0:09:17 There was no one I needed to feed breakfast to or to get to school
    0:09:20 or to pay that night or to tuck in.
    0:09:26 And I stayed in bed for a long time until I got to the point where I was like,
    0:09:30 I have to figure out what my intention for my life is now.
    0:09:33 And so I started with one simple question every single morning.
    0:09:37 And that question was, what is my intention today?
    0:09:42 Because today, right now in this moment, was all I could focus on.
    0:09:46 So that’s when the concept of clarity mapping really started.
    0:09:53 I became a series of five questions that I answered every single day
    0:09:57 to help give me purpose and direction and clarity on who I was
    0:10:01 and what it is that I wanted to be rebuilding
    0:10:06 so that I could create tangible steps forward to start building that thing.
    0:10:11 And one of those tangible steps was that you decided to have your own children.
    0:10:15 And so you and your husband started to try for a baby.
    0:10:18 And that led to another traumatic experience.
    0:10:20 Are you comfortable to share that with us?
    0:10:25 Yeah, we waited, I think it was about four years
    0:10:27 after the loss of the older two kiddos
    0:10:34 to feel like we were at a place where we were ready to continue to try to grow our family.
    0:10:39 I didn’t want to go back into motherhood feeling as broken as I felt
    0:10:42 because I knew that that would impact the next child
    0:10:45 that we were to bring into our family.
    0:10:49 And I had so much healing that I needed to do in order to be ready for that.
    0:10:55 So we were so intentional about what the next steps of growing our family look like.
    0:11:00 And we decided the end of 2019 that it was time to grow our family.
    0:11:03 So that is when we moved from Nashville back to Phoenix.
    0:11:07 We were like, OK, we’re ready to go back home.
    0:11:08 We want to be by my family.
    0:11:14 We want solid roots there so that when we have more kids, we’re close to family
    0:11:18 and they get that experience of growing up around cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles.
    0:11:24 So we moved home and right when we moved home, we found out that we were pregnant.
    0:11:31 And obviously we were so excited and it just felt like for the first time in several years
    0:11:39 that there was this new breath of life being breathed into our lives again
    0:11:43 and that there was forward movement and the grief was still there.
    0:11:50 But also now there was joy and hope and an opportunity to keep living our lives.
    0:11:53 And I know no one likes to talk about this time.
    0:11:59 But I feel like 2020 was a great equalizer for all of us because we can say 2020.
    0:12:03 And everyone’s like, yeah, that year freaking sucked for me, right?
    0:12:05 And it sucked for all of us for various reasons.
    0:12:11 And for us, we moved into our home in March of 2020 the same week
    0:12:14 that the pandemic had shut everything down.
    0:12:19 And so that also meant that doctors appointments when you were pregnant,
    0:12:20 everything kind of changed.
    0:12:26 And so it kind of felt scary for a moment to leave the house being pregnant.
    0:12:34 I got really sick one day and we couldn’t figure out what was wrong because I had felt fine.
    0:12:37 But then by the end of the night, I was screaming in pain.
    0:12:38 I couldn’t get out of bed.
    0:12:40 I spiked a fever.
    0:12:41 I had never felt anything like that.
    0:12:44 So my husband called the ambulance.
    0:12:49 They took me to the hospital and immediately they checked the baby.
    0:12:50 Baby was OK.
    0:12:52 And I’m like, OK, I can get through anything if my baby is OK.
    0:12:56 And we found out that I had gone septic.
    0:12:58 I didn’t really know what that meant.
    0:13:01 But I now know the sepsis is a blood infection.
    0:13:05 So whatever infection you have enters your bloodstream.
    0:13:09 And it started causing kidney failure for me.
    0:13:14 So that had to be treated immediately because it’s very life threatening.
    0:13:19 And in that moment, they told us you’re going to be admitted to the hospital
    0:13:21 for an indefinite amount of time.
    0:13:25 But today is also the first day that we are shutting down outside visitors.
    0:13:27 So your husband cannot come with you.
    0:13:30 You’re going to have to come by yourself.
    0:13:35 And I just remember feeling that was the loneliest I think I have ever felt.
    0:13:39 And I remember being wheeled back, just sobbing, saying goodbye to my husband,
    0:13:41 neither of us knowing what was going to happen.
    0:13:47 Later the next day, there was a moment where they called a rapid response,
    0:13:50 which means a whole team of doctors was surrounding me
    0:13:51 because I was really struggling breathing.
    0:13:56 And everything felt like all the pain had just spiked.
    0:14:01 And I remember looking at a tech who was giving a scan on my heart, an EKG.
    0:14:04 And I remember asking him, am I going to die right now?
    0:14:07 Because I felt like I was going to.
    0:14:11 And I knew that whatever was happening in my body,
    0:14:15 there was no way it was going to keep me and my baby alive.
    0:14:20 I just felt it in my gut that something was drastically changing right then.
    0:14:23 So after I was stable a couple of hours later,
    0:14:26 I had them give me another ultrasound.
    0:14:30 And that’s when they found out that we had lost our baby boy.
    0:14:35 And I ended up delivering him alone the next morning.
    0:14:40 And it sent me again into this part of life where you’re like,
    0:14:45 well, I thought that we had gone through the hard thing, right?
    0:14:49 Like I thought that this was our first step back of trusting life again.
    0:14:54 And now what am I supposed to do?
    0:15:01 And so that entered the next journey of really finding clarity again
    0:15:04 in my life for what does this look like now to move forward?
    0:15:06 Well, thank you for sharing that with us.
    0:15:09 I know that’s probably very difficult to relive.
    0:15:15 For other people who are in the moment feeling really stuck,
    0:15:18 that they’ve gone through a lot of pain,
    0:15:21 they had a lot of traumatic experience, maybe a loss.
    0:15:26 What advice do you have for them in terms of the steps to take next?
    0:15:32 I think this is such a good question because when we are in those moments,
    0:15:36 it really feels like we are the only one in those moments.
    0:15:38 Grief and trauma can feel so isolating.
    0:15:42 And so the very first thing that I would say is that I’m so sorry.
    0:15:50 And I want you to be able to know that what you’ve been through, it can’t be fixed.
    0:15:52 It’s not supposed to be fixed.
    0:15:54 There’s not a band-aid that can be put on it.
    0:15:57 I think that there’s platitudes that people like to say.
    0:16:01 Everything happens for a reason or time heals all wounds.
    0:16:04 And I’m going to be the first one to say that none of those things are true.
    0:16:08 And so it’s okay to feel exactly how you feel.
    0:16:11 The one thing that we know about grief and trauma
    0:16:18 is that most people spend their entire lives avoiding the reality of the pain.
    0:16:22 And the one thing that if all of us did in this area of our life
    0:16:26 where we feel grief, that would change the trajectory
    0:16:29 of what we’re able to do next is acknowledgement.
    0:16:33 We have to acknowledge what we’ve been through
    0:16:35 and also what it feels like inside of us.
    0:16:37 And it might sound so simple to say that,
    0:16:41 but having it be simple doesn’t mean it’s easy,
    0:16:44 which is why the majority of people never get to this place
    0:16:46 where they’re able to acknowledge it.
    0:16:52 So if we can start there, then that allows us to have more freedom
    0:16:55 in acknowledging what has happened and has caused us
    0:17:00 so that we can stop avoiding it and then create a plan
    0:17:07 that feels safe for us to heal and to be able to experience the world again
    0:17:12 in a way that feels safe so that we can create forward steps.
    0:17:19 And I know that for you, you’ve shared your story on podcasts like this,
    0:17:21 on your own podcast, you wrote a memoir.
    0:17:26 How did actually sharing, like you were just eluding to it now,
    0:17:28 how did actually sharing your story help you heal?
    0:17:33 I think that for so many of us, we carry these stories.
    0:17:36 Sometimes there’s shame attached to it.
    0:17:38 Sometimes there’s so much pain attached to it.
    0:17:44 But what we know is that when our pain can leave our bodies,
    0:17:47 whether it’s writing our story down and no one else even reads it,
    0:17:51 we know that that helps facilitate healing.
    0:17:58 So many of us suffer in darkness and our stories just need to be brought to light,
    0:18:01 to be acknowledged, to be received, to be validated.
    0:18:09 And as I’ve been able to share my story, what has been so beautiful,
    0:18:13 and I think is the greatest privilege of the work that I do,
    0:18:18 is that it helps give other people permission to share and acknowledge their stories.
    0:18:23 So I get so many stories sent to me by other women who have gone through really hard things,
    0:18:29 who are like, “I’ve seen your story and it’s given me courage now
    0:18:32 to be able to share mine and walk through what that means for me.”
    0:18:37 And what we know is that healing happens fastest in community.
    0:18:41 And so when we can create communities that understand each other
    0:18:48 and have shared respect and validation for the pain that other people go through,
    0:18:50 we’re able to heal faster.
    0:18:54 Let’s hold that thought and take a quick break with our sponsors.
    0:19:02 Young Improfiters, I know so many of you are in your grind season.
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    0:20:32 Hey, Young and Profiters.
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    0:22:18 Yeah, BAM. It’s 2025, and a new year means new opportunities.
    0:22:19 For a lot of you out there,
    0:22:22 I know you’ve been thinking about one thing over the holidays,
    0:22:25 and that’s starting your own business or side hustle.
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    0:22:28 How do I get started?
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    0:24:03 You have created a whole business
    0:24:07 around helping people with their grief.
    0:24:08 And as entrepreneurs,
    0:24:10 one of the best ways that we can start businesses
    0:24:14 is by actually solving the pains that we once had
    0:24:16 and providing those solutions to people
    0:24:18 who are in the place that we once were.
    0:24:22 So what steps did you take to become more qualified
    0:24:25 and become more prepared to take on the role
    0:24:27 to help other people with their trauma and grief?
    0:24:31 I love this question because part of my journey
    0:24:34 has started even before I stepped
    0:24:36 into helping people more in their grief.
    0:24:40 I’ve had a personal brand online for, oh my gosh,
    0:24:43 it’s probably been 14 years now
    0:24:46 before Instagram even existed.
    0:24:48 And I had a blogspot.com.
    0:24:50 I’ve always wanted to be a writer.
    0:24:53 I’ve always wanted to help move people through their emotions.
    0:24:57 So I was doing that even before these life experiences.
    0:25:01 But after these life experiences,
    0:25:05 I wrote my first book and I was in the middle of my edits
    0:25:07 for my most recent book.
    0:25:10 I am here when we lost our son, Jace.
    0:25:15 And after that, I really felt like my next steps
    0:25:17 in finding clarity for my life.
    0:25:19 And I didn’t know exactly what it was going to look like,
    0:25:21 but I knew that I needed to go back to school
    0:25:24 to get my master’s degree specifically
    0:25:25 in mental health and wellness
    0:25:28 with an emphasis in grief and bereavement.
    0:25:31 And that’s probably the least sexy thing
    0:25:34 that you could tell someone that you are an expert in.
    0:25:36 It’s like, what do you study, Ashley?
    0:25:37 What do you teach on?
    0:25:39 Well, I teach on grief and bereavement.
    0:25:45 Everyone’s like, oh, there’s nothing sexy
    0:25:46 about talking about that.
    0:25:51 But it is the one thing that every single person
    0:25:53 in this world is going to experience
    0:25:55 at some point in their life.
    0:25:57 And my life experiences,
    0:26:00 I felt very much qualified me to help others.
    0:26:06 And I then wanted the paper, the education behind it
    0:26:09 so that I could take everything I had already learned
    0:26:11 and really just propel myself forward.
    0:26:15 So at the age of what was I, 34,
    0:26:18 I went back to school to get my master’s degree.
    0:26:23 And what’s funny about it is that about four weeks later
    0:26:25 after starting this intensive program,
    0:26:26 we got pregnant again.
    0:26:33 So I ended up graduating and finishing with a four-month-old.
    0:26:35 I was pumping out my graduation.
    0:26:39 It was the first time I had left my baby for any amount of time.
    0:26:42 And it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
    0:26:45 But I knew that I needed that for myself
    0:26:47 and then to be able to help other people.
    0:26:49 I love that for you.
    0:26:51 I love the fact that you were able to do that
    0:26:54 even with a young child.
    0:26:57 And you’ve been able to grow your career so successfully.
    0:26:59 Your podcast is very popular now.
    0:27:02 You’ve got two books, so it’s awesome.
    0:27:04 And you actually started as an entrepreneur
    0:27:09 even before you started teaching other people about grief
    0:27:10 and being an author.
    0:27:13 You had a successful jewelry business,
    0:27:15 but then you pivoted and you decided
    0:27:17 you wanted to become an expert on grief.
    0:27:20 So how did you decide to make that change?
    0:27:22 What was the thought process behind that?
    0:27:25 I’ve got a lot of entrepreneurs tuning in.
    0:27:27 You are probably product-based entrepreneurs.
    0:27:29 And what kind of differences did you see
    0:27:31 between having a product-based business
    0:27:34 to now having more of a personal brand business
    0:27:35 and an audience-based business?
    0:27:40 I had an audience during the time of my jewelry company.
    0:27:45 And I still was writing to them through blog posts,
    0:27:46 through Instagram.
    0:27:48 We would do meetups in person.
    0:27:50 I was speaking a lot.
    0:27:54 And something that all product entrepreneurs know
    0:27:56 is that it is a freaking grind.
    0:28:00 You are grinding so hard to meet your bottom line.
    0:28:02 We were doing shows all the time,
    0:28:04 wholesale trade shows, holiday trade shows.
    0:28:07 And when we moved to Nashville,
    0:28:10 I reached this point where I was like,
    0:28:13 this isn’t how I want to be spending the rest of my life.
    0:28:15 I want to be writing.
    0:28:17 And it’s really hard to be founder-CEO
    0:28:21 of a product-based company that was on the trajectory
    0:28:22 that we were on.
    0:28:26 And then also be able to do the other work
    0:28:28 that I really wanted to do.
    0:28:31 And so I had to make some really difficult decisions.
    0:28:33 But at the end of the day,
    0:28:35 what I’ve always wanted is to help people.
    0:28:38 So whether that was through jewelry
    0:28:43 or now through writing and podcasting and my personal brand,
    0:28:46 I knew that I had to make a pivot.
    0:28:49 So I started writing more.
    0:28:51 And my first step was getting a book agent,
    0:28:53 which– and I’m such a believer.
    0:28:56 And when you are in alignment with that next step,
    0:29:00 sometimes things happen to help facilitate that step.
    0:29:02 So once I made that decision,
    0:29:05 I literally opened my inbox the next day.
    0:29:09 And I had an email from one of the top literary agents
    0:29:12 in the country asking me if I’d ever thought
    0:29:14 about writing a book before.
    0:29:20 And I was like, OK, if this isn’t my sign for the next step,
    0:29:22 I don’t know what it’s going to be.
    0:29:28 But there also was this grief of closing the chapter
    0:29:30 on my jewelry business.
    0:29:34 We were sold in large department stores like Hallmark.
    0:29:39 And we had a large headquarters in downtown Phoenix.
    0:29:42 And so that also meant I felt like I had to let other people
    0:29:46 down because my course was changing.
    0:29:51 But looking back, I can’t imagine not making that decision.
    0:29:53 That was going to be my next question,
    0:29:56 because there’s a lot of entrepreneurs out there tuning
    0:29:59 in that might not have a business that either fits
    0:30:02 their life goals, where they’re feeling burnt out.
    0:30:04 They don’t even like working on their business anymore.
    0:30:06 Or their business is just not successful.
    0:30:08 It’s just not taking off.
    0:30:09 99% of startups fail.
    0:30:13 But a lot of entrepreneurs, we’ve got an ego where we feel
    0:30:15 like, well, we already put it out to the world.
    0:30:16 Everybody knows me for this.
    0:30:19 What are people going to think if I shut it down?
    0:30:23 I had a blog in my 20s that became really popular.
    0:30:25 And I shut it down because I wanted to change paths.
    0:30:27 I wanted to go into marketing and all this other stuff.
    0:30:30 I wanted to go into corporate for a period of time.
    0:30:31 And I’m an entrepreneur again.
    0:30:32 I have a media company.
    0:30:34 But I shut down my company.
    0:30:38 And everybody who worked for me, at the time I had volunteers,
    0:30:42 it was kind of a blog that I basically trained bloggers.
    0:30:45 And we were all just young, just doing it for fun.
    0:30:47 And so they were all mad at me.
    0:30:48 And I lost all my friends.
    0:30:50 And I felt a little ashamed.
    0:30:53 But I could imagine being older and having a real company
    0:30:57 with customers and products, that would be really hard.
    0:31:02 So I guess, how did you get over the shame of starting a company
    0:31:03 and shutting it down?
    0:31:07 You know what’s interesting is that when you hit rock bottom
    0:31:11 in your life, which for me was losing the kids,
    0:31:15 there’s nowhere else to go but up.
    0:31:18 And so I think that I was in a place in my life
    0:31:23 where I was at such rock bottom that I just freaking didn’t care anymore.
    0:31:28 And I had to do things to get the life back inside of me.
    0:31:29 I had to.
    0:31:33 I describe it as feeling like I was dead, but I was alive.
    0:31:36 I was just a zombie through my life.
    0:31:41 And so at that point, honestly, I don’t know if it’s a good thing,
    0:31:43 but for that moment it was because I don’t know
    0:31:46 what else would have forced me to do this.
    0:31:49 But it was the only way for me.
    0:31:50 And I had nothing to lose.
    0:31:53 And I think a lot of times we get afraid of hitting rock bottom
    0:31:57 or what if it doesn’t work out or what will I do?
    0:32:01 And honestly, sometimes it’s the best thing
    0:32:07 because you finally make decisions off of what you actually want
    0:32:11 because you can’t lose anything more than you already have.
    0:32:15 So that’s what that looked like for me.
    0:32:19 And like I said, there was grief, there was sadness to it.
    0:32:24 And I also started to feel excited about something again
    0:32:26 for the first time in a long time.
    0:32:29 And so I just kept following that feeling.
    0:32:32 And I feel like for other people tuning in,
    0:32:36 what I want them to understand is that nobody really cares that much.
    0:32:40 We put all this pressure about what is everybody else going to think?
    0:32:41 What are my friends going to think?
    0:32:42 What is my family going to think?
    0:32:45 Even people who are lawyers and doctors
    0:32:47 and who don’t want to be lawyers and doctors anymore
    0:32:49 who are so afraid of making a change.
    0:32:51 It’s like, yes, it’s going to be hard in the moment.
    0:32:54 But as soon as you figure out the next thing
    0:32:57 and you’ve got the next thing to talk about and feel proud of,
    0:32:59 no one’s even going to remember or care
    0:33:02 if anything people are going to be inspired from you.
    0:33:04 And it’s just getting over that initial hump.
    0:33:06 Absolutely.
    0:33:10 And I think we get scared of this idea of starting over.
    0:33:11 I’ve put in so much time.
    0:33:13 I’ve put in so much money, so much resources.
    0:33:14 I don’t want to start over.
    0:33:19 But that destroys our next step when we look at things like that.
    0:33:20 You’re not starting over.
    0:33:21 You can’t.
    0:33:25 You have so much knowledge now that has gotten you to this place.
    0:33:28 And so you get to now apply all of that into the next thing.
    0:33:32 And I think the place where we fail the most as entrepreneurs
    0:33:35 is we stay in the wrong place for too long
    0:33:37 because our ego gets in the way of it.
    0:33:41 And we miss out on really what could take off for us
    0:33:46 and feel in just such alignment that would not only help us,
    0:33:49 but other people to be able to serve others more
    0:33:53 because we are on a path that actually is working.
    0:33:58 And so that’s something now I actually help women
    0:34:01 in their own clarity maps, in high-level entrepreneurs.
    0:34:03 Because this is one of the things I love so much
    0:34:06 is how do we help you pivot when you are in this season
    0:34:08 of having no idea what to do next?
    0:34:12 How do you find that clarity and the confidence
    0:34:17 and the strategy to support it so that you can move forward?
    0:34:19 This is a great segue to talk about your latest book.
    0:34:22 So your first book was a memoir, it’s called Born to Shine.
    0:34:24 And your next book is called I Am Here,
    0:34:26 and that’s more designed to help others navigate
    0:34:29 their own experiences of grief and trauma.
    0:34:31 Clarity mapping is a big part of that.
    0:34:33 Hopefully going to dive deep into that later on in the conversation.
    0:34:37 But first, you say the biggest life lesson
    0:34:41 that has come to your life has been the phrase of three simple words,
    0:34:44 I Am Here, which is the title of your book.
    0:34:46 Why are those words so meaningful to you?
    0:34:50 They’re meaningful to me because for so long I didn’t want to be here.
    0:34:56 And I did everything to try to avoid the feeling of being here,
    0:34:59 whether that was numbing out with social media or food
    0:35:02 or traveling or spending money or working too much
    0:35:05 or being in bad relationships.
    0:35:09 Whatever that thing was to distract me from the other pain
    0:35:12 is what I latched onto.
    0:35:15 And once I got to this point,
    0:35:19 we were actually in Europe on one of our runaway escapades
    0:35:21 of trying to escape it.
    0:35:23 And I remember being in Milan
    0:35:27 and next to me sat a mom and a daughter
    0:35:28 and she had just lost her tooth.
    0:35:33 And she was about the age of the daughter who we had lost
    0:35:34 in the contested adoption.
    0:35:38 And I remember watching the joy between the mother
    0:35:40 and the daughter over this lost tooth.
    0:35:43 And I just started sobbing.
    0:35:46 Any composure I had left, it was gone.
    0:35:50 I wanted those own moments with this human that I loved so much
    0:35:52 that I knew I was never going to have again.
    0:35:54 And so I remember I got up from my spot
    0:35:59 and I started running towards this little apartment
    0:36:00 that we were staying at.
    0:36:04 And it was as if someone put a brick wall in front of me
    0:36:10 and was like, “Stop. You can’t keep running like this.
    0:36:12 You can’t. You have to face these feelings.”
    0:36:16 And I probably look like a crazy American tourist,
    0:36:17 which I totally was.
    0:36:20 But in the middle of this square there,
    0:36:24 I threw up my arms and I yelled, “I am here.
    0:36:26 I am here.”
    0:36:27 And I just started crying.
    0:36:30 And I just, that became this mantra for me
    0:36:34 that I still hold onto of, “I don’t want to run away anymore.
    0:36:36 I want to be here. I am here.”
    0:36:39 And so now what does that look like?
    0:36:42 And how can I support myself to be able to get through these things
    0:36:47 so that I don’t keep running away from this life that I’ve been given?
    0:36:50 That’s a really powerful story.
    0:36:53 I can just imagine you in the street just having that moment.
    0:36:57 And then now, years later, you’ve written a book with that title
    0:36:58 to try to help other people.
    0:37:03 Do you feel like entrepreneurs deal with grief
    0:37:06 and stress differently than other people?
    0:37:10 Or do they have certain personality types
    0:37:13 that enable them to get over things more quickly, potentially?
    0:37:17 Something that is very common among entrepreneurs
    0:37:22 is that they’re very high-achieving people they want to achieve.
    0:37:26 And one of the ways that we can cope with grief
    0:37:28 is called a maladaptive coping mechanism.
    0:37:31 So there’s two types of mechanisms that we can use to cope.
    0:37:34 Adaptive, which adaptive is something that is positive,
    0:37:37 that actually helps your grief.
    0:37:38 And the other is maladaptive,
    0:37:40 meaning it’s not good for you,
    0:37:42 but we do it anyway because we don’t know what else to do.
    0:37:45 One of the maladaptive coping mechanisms
    0:37:48 that a lot of us have and a lot of entrepreneurs have
    0:37:51 is work and working too much.
    0:37:55 And so I see a lot of entrepreneurs who throw themselves
    0:37:59 even deeper into work to avoid their feelings.
    0:38:01 And they can become really successful from doing that.
    0:38:04 And it’s something that the world praises
    0:38:07 and we look at as a huge success.
    0:38:10 While meanwhile, there can be these layers of emotions
    0:38:17 that are hurting them, that’s driving this really unsustainable work.
    0:38:24 But that can make it really, really hard to get to this healing place.
    0:38:27 Something else that’s really interesting that we know
    0:38:29 is the difference between men and women,
    0:38:31 the way that we move through grief.
    0:38:34 So a lot of men, and obviously when I say this,
    0:38:37 I’m not saying every man and every woman,
    0:38:39 this is just an average across the board.
    0:38:42 There’s going to be people who don’t fit into these buckets, of course.
    0:38:48 But what we know about men is that men often throw themselves into work.
    0:38:52 They talk less about how they are feeling
    0:38:57 and they want to spend more time in the action of staying busy.
    0:39:01 Whereas women, we want to talk about it.
    0:39:04 We want you to sit and listen and we want to talk about it
    0:39:07 because that’s our way of processing,
    0:39:09 of retelling the story,
    0:39:12 trying to help ourselves understand what has happened.
    0:39:15 And so then if you are in a relationship
    0:39:18 where both of you are grieving so differently from the other,
    0:39:24 we can see a lot of marital or partnership conflict because of that.
    0:39:29 So I don’t know if entrepreneurs,
    0:39:33 if there’s a specific grief style for entrepreneurs,
    0:39:34 but men and women for sure.
    0:39:37 But then for the group of entrepreneurs
    0:39:42 who we know just love the work and the achievement,
    0:39:48 I would base my best guess on what I know about grief on,
    0:39:52 they are probably a lot of them throwing themselves even deeper into work,
    0:39:57 meaning that they are not facing what is actually going on in their life.
    0:39:59 It’s a dangerous combination.
    0:40:03 Yeah, and I can relate to that even for myself.
    0:40:07 When I started my business, I started it in 2020.
    0:40:11 And I started it while my dad was in the hospital battling COVID
    0:40:13 and I wasn’t allowed to visit him.
    0:40:15 And he passed away after a month in the hospital.
    0:40:17 It was the most devastating thing.
    0:40:20 I literally watched him die on Zoom
    0:40:24 and wasn’t able to even see him until he passed away.
    0:40:26 And it was very traumatic.
    0:40:30 He was buried with his clothes on and his shoes on and his cell phone.
    0:40:31 It was like just the most traumatic thing.
    0:40:36 And for years, I just worked and worked and worked.
    0:40:42 So I’m better now because I actually hired my business partner, Jason.
    0:40:46 And now I’m able to just have a life and everything like that.
    0:40:49 But for years, I really did just throw myself into work.
    0:40:52 I’m so sorry to hear that.
    0:40:54 I didn’t know about your father.
    0:40:58 And you opening up about that is so beautiful and so hard.
    0:41:04 And I think that where we are at now, going into 2025,
    0:41:09 a lot of people aren’t realizing what happens around the fifth year of grief.
    0:41:14 So if we go back to 2020, we all had these moments where we’re in a pandemic,
    0:41:18 but then we’re all also experiencing these personal losses, the loss of your father,
    0:41:24 the loss of my baby, the loss of what other people have gone through, right?
    0:41:28 So then the past couple of years, we’re like, I don’t know how to cope
    0:41:31 and no one is teaching me how to cope.
    0:41:34 So I’m going to do what I think is going to help me best.
    0:41:38 And because of my personality, because of what I want to build,
    0:41:40 I’m going to throw myself into work.
    0:41:43 And then you’re like, oh my gosh, this company I just started is doing well.
    0:41:44 It’s growing.
    0:41:45 It’s great.
    0:41:49 And you can kind of run on that adrenaline high for a moment
    0:41:56 until you start reaching these achievements that once the novelty of it starts wearing off,
    0:42:02 you can find yourself in this place of, I accomplished what I wanted to.
    0:42:06 I thought that this was going to feel differently than it does.
    0:42:11 And that is a very common feeling that a lot of entrepreneurs find themselves in
    0:42:14 is I won the award.
    0:42:16 I hit the financial goal.
    0:42:17 I have the growth of the company.
    0:42:22 I thought that I was going to feel differently than this.
    0:42:24 What is wrong?
    0:42:31 And what is wrong is, is that we have this grief that can’t be pacified
    0:42:36 by these external validations in our lives that we think are going to pacify them.
    0:42:43 And so now as we head into 2025, which is five years after this major traumatic event
    0:42:49 for most people in the world, year five is the year where you take a pause
    0:42:55 and you start really looking around and being like, where do I fit into life right now?
    0:42:58 And how do I want it to go moving forward?
    0:43:02 It’s one of the first years that you really begin to take a breath
    0:43:06 because there’s a little more time and space between now and then.
    0:43:11 But as a result of that, a lot of emotions can start coming up
    0:43:16 as you realize that your life has continued to move on.
    0:43:21 But emotionally, parts of you still feel like they are stuck in the past.
    0:43:24 And so so many people right now are burnt out.
    0:43:26 They’re burnt out on work.
    0:43:27 They don’t know what to do next.
    0:43:32 And it’s because we never gave ourselves the opportunity to slow down
    0:43:36 and sit with our grief for as long as we needed to.
    0:43:38 It’s so true.
    0:43:42 And it’s like so bittersweet because I’m so happy that I did all this.
    0:43:45 My company is going to hit eight figures next year.
    0:43:47 You know, like I built this crazy company.
    0:43:49 Yeah, it’s amazing.
    0:43:50 Thank you.
    0:43:54 Like I built this awesome company and I have an awesome team and I love my life.
    0:43:57 But to your point, there was a period of time where I was like,
    0:44:01 I can’t just keep running on fumes and I need help.
    0:44:02 I need a business partner.
    0:44:05 I need to kind of delegate and have some balance
    0:44:07 because you just can’t do that forever.
    0:44:11 And I do think sacrifice is important, but you can’t do it forever.
    0:44:13 Yeah, it’s not sustainable.
    0:44:16 So then how do we create a sustainable way
    0:44:20 where we can build what we want and love it
    0:44:25 while also acknowledging what it is that we’ve been through
    0:44:27 and what does that dance look like for my life
    0:44:28 and what is it that I’m needing?
    0:44:33 And part of that part of your gift of grief that probably came
    0:44:37 was your ability to grow this company to what it is now.
    0:44:43 But now part of what might come next is, okay, I’ve built this.
    0:44:48 And so does that mean that there’s a little bit more of a buffer for me
    0:44:51 to have some space and some resources
    0:44:55 to really make sure that I’m filled up inside
    0:45:00 so that my insides match all of my external accomplishments?
    0:45:02 And that’s something that was really hard for me
    0:45:04 over the past couple of years.
    0:45:06 I remember I would tell my therapist,
    0:45:08 I’m a huge advocate for therapy.
    0:45:09 I’m like, everyone should have a therapist.
    0:45:12 So I love talking about it to just help people
    0:45:14 know it is so normal to go to therapy.
    0:45:19 But something that I would often tell my therapist is my insides
    0:45:21 don’t match my outsides.
    0:45:22 Like what is happening around me?
    0:45:25 What I have in my life is so beautiful.
    0:45:31 But inside I feel like there’s this just chaotic exhaustion
    0:45:36 that never goes away and it feels so out of alignment
    0:45:39 with everything that I see externally in my life.
    0:45:42 And I need those to start matching up with each other.
    0:45:45 And so my hope is that going into 2025,
    0:45:49 a lot of entrepreneurs are going to kind of hit this pause button
    0:45:53 where we can all get a little bit more in alignment
    0:45:55 so that our insides match our outsides.
    0:45:58 But when that happens, moving forward,
    0:46:02 we are able to serve and grow even exponentially
    0:46:05 from what we’ve gotten to to this point
    0:46:07 because we’re going to have the sustainability,
    0:46:09 the internal resources to be able to do so.
    0:46:13 We’ll be right back after a quick break from our sponsors.
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    0:50:55 So one of the things that you talk about in your book
    0:50:57 is that we need to reframe our thoughts.
    0:51:00 First, I want to get clarity on what thoughts actually are.
    0:51:03 Do you mean our current beliefs and current thoughts
    0:51:05 or are you talking about memories
    0:51:07 or those two different things?
    0:51:09 Talking about our current thoughts.
    0:51:10 So what we know about our thoughts
    0:51:13 is we have somewhere around 90,000 thoughts a day.
    0:51:16 And out of those thoughts,
    0:51:21 somewhere around 80, 85% are negative.
    0:51:25 And the majority of those negative thoughts are reoccurring.
    0:51:29 So then these negative reoccurring thoughts
    0:51:31 that we have every single day
    0:51:34 are creating this belief system, this internal world
    0:51:36 where if we say, “I’m not good enough,”
    0:51:41 or “I’m never going to get out of this situation,”
    0:51:44 or “Man, I make stupid decisions,”
    0:51:46 or “I don’t like how I look in the mirror.”
    0:51:48 Whatever those stories are,
    0:51:51 become truly what we believe about ourselves
    0:51:53 and the world around us.
    0:51:57 Now, of course, it is impossible
    0:51:58 to live in an internal world
    0:52:00 where we don’t have negative thoughts.
    0:52:01 We’re human.
    0:52:03 That’s part of how our brain works
    0:52:04 is we assess danger
    0:52:07 and we try to figure out where we fit into things
    0:52:08 and how we feel about things
    0:52:10 to try to keep ourselves safe.
    0:52:14 But what we can do is start acknowledging those thoughts
    0:52:16 and then start reframing them
    0:52:19 so that we can create different habits
    0:52:20 and thought patterns
    0:52:24 that allow us to have a different internal world.
    0:52:27 So for me, that’s one of the reasons
    0:52:29 I started using “I am here”
    0:52:31 because I was just conditioned to be like,
    0:52:33 “I want to leave. How do I get out of here?
    0:52:35 I want to escape. I want to escape.”
    0:52:38 So then my belief had to come,
    0:52:40 “I’m here. I’m here right now.
    0:52:42 I’m safe to be here.”
    0:52:46 That was then. This is now.
    0:52:50 And really becoming your biggest advocate
    0:52:53 for helping yourself reframe your thoughts.
    0:52:57 So walk us through how we can keep tabs
    0:52:58 on what are the negative thoughts
    0:53:00 that we actually have
    0:53:03 and then how do we uncover their positive roots.
    0:53:05 I love this.
    0:53:07 One thing that I always suggest
    0:53:09 to my clients that I work with
    0:53:12 is just for even if it’s an hour out of your day,
    0:53:13 a whole day would be amazing.
    0:53:15 But even if you only had an hour,
    0:53:17 take out the notes up on your phone
    0:53:19 or have just a little journal with you
    0:53:21 and any time you notice
    0:53:24 that you have a negative thought come into your head,
    0:53:25 I just want you to write it down.
    0:53:28 And I don’t want you to have any judgment on it.
    0:53:30 I don’t want you to judge your thoughts, right?
    0:53:32 Because then we can get into the cycle of,
    0:53:34 “Oh my gosh. I’m so dumb for thinking that.”
    0:53:35 Or, “What’s wrong with me?”
    0:53:39 Or, “No, we’re just going to be observers
    0:53:41 of the thoughts that are going through our head.”
    0:53:43 And once we have all of those down,
    0:53:46 what I like to then do
    0:53:49 is try to get to the root of where those thoughts came from.
    0:53:52 A lot of times thoughts that we have right now
    0:53:56 came from things that we heard when we were little,
    0:53:59 things we began to believe about ourselves
    0:54:01 from when we were really small.
    0:54:04 Sometimes the origin of the thought
    0:54:05 doesn’t even come from us.
    0:54:08 So if you’re able to sit with it
    0:54:11 and really be able to go back to the first time
    0:54:13 that you can remember hearing it
    0:54:15 or feeling it or thinking it,
    0:54:19 a lot of times you can bridge that gap
    0:54:23 and realize that that did not even come from you.
    0:54:25 So once we do that,
    0:54:28 being able to sit with,
    0:54:30 “Okay, this is what I believe,
    0:54:34 but this is what I would like to believe instead.
    0:54:36 This is my current thought,
    0:54:40 but this is what I would like to believe instead.”
    0:54:42 And I keep it as simple as that
    0:54:46 and as gentle as that as we are working through these
    0:54:48 and being able to write down
    0:54:51 what we would like to believe instead.
    0:54:53 Then being able to be mindful,
    0:54:56 whether it’s then the next hour after that,
    0:54:58 after you have the thought come in,
    0:55:00 whether it’s, “I’m not good enough.”
    0:55:02 Being able to call it out,
    0:55:05 “Okay, I understand that right now,
    0:55:07 I’m believing I’m not good enough.”
    0:55:08 And I acknowledge that.
    0:55:11 But what I would really like to believe instead
    0:55:14 is X, Y, and Z.
    0:55:17 And that helps us create a pattern
    0:55:20 where we can help ourselves get out of this routine
    0:55:22 of having these thoughts
    0:55:24 that we don’t even realize are happening.
    0:55:27 And we can stop them and call them out.
    0:55:28 And then we just gently tell ourselves
    0:55:30 what we would like to believe instead
    0:55:33 so that that becomes something that we begin
    0:55:34 to start thinking about.
    0:55:35 Does it take time?
    0:55:36 Of course it does.
    0:55:40 But after those two hours,
    0:55:42 I promise you you are going to experience
    0:55:43 a shift in feelings
    0:55:47 that you might not have felt for a really long time
    0:55:50 and uncover thoughts
    0:55:53 that you might not even know that you have.
    0:55:55 Like you can reach the end of the day.
    0:55:56 Sometimes a lot of my clients
    0:55:59 be like, “I don’t know why I feel this bad.
    0:56:00 I just do.
    0:56:01 I don’t know where it comes from.
    0:56:05 I don’t know why I feel so lost
    0:56:07 in the roles in my life.”
    0:56:08 And we do this exercise.
    0:56:11 And after an hour of them writing down
    0:56:13 everything they’ve been thinking,
    0:56:15 they’re like, “I didn’t realize
    0:56:17 that I’m so hard on myself.
    0:56:19 I didn’t realize that these are the things
    0:56:21 I’m consistently telling myself.”
    0:56:23 So that’s a really good place to start.
    0:56:29 And are there common thoughts that people have
    0:56:31 and what would be the positive reframing
    0:56:33 just so people have examples?
    0:56:36 One that is really common
    0:56:40 that I would argue the majority of people struggle with
    0:56:44 is I’m not enough or I’m not good enough.
    0:56:47 So for that one,
    0:56:50 it’s really important for us to do some work
    0:56:51 on where did this come from?
    0:56:54 When did I start feeling this way?
    0:56:56 Why did I start feeling this way?
    0:56:58 Did it come from me?
    0:57:01 Is this something I picked up on from someone else?
    0:57:03 And then being able to answer the question,
    0:57:06 well, what would it even mean to be good enough?
    0:57:10 And what areas of my life do I feel like
    0:57:13 I’m not good enough that I can begin to focus on?
    0:57:17 So one of the ways that I like to reframe
    0:57:19 I’m not good enough is I am enough
    0:57:24 for all of the needs that my life has of me in this moment.
    0:57:27 I am enough to take care of all of the needs
    0:57:30 that my life has for me in this moment.
    0:57:33 And again, being able to find evidence,
    0:57:36 something about our brains that I think is really cool
    0:57:38 is that our brains look for evidence
    0:57:40 that what we are doing is working.
    0:57:42 That’s why journaling can be so powerful
    0:57:45 because we need to see something is written down.
    0:57:47 So when we write down our thoughts
    0:57:49 and then what we would like to believe instead
    0:57:53 but then kind of keep a log to see our progress of,
    0:57:57 oh my gosh, today I only thought about this 10 times
    0:58:01 instead of 20 or whatever that is, it signals to our brain,
    0:58:02 hey, this thing is working.
    0:58:05 This is a good path for us to continue to go down,
    0:58:09 which is another reason why I recommend writing things down.
    0:58:11 Another one that’s really common is anger.
    0:58:14 And anger can show up in a lot of ways in our lives,
    0:58:15 especially when you’re grieving
    0:58:19 because anger is easier to feel than sadness.
    0:58:25 A lot of times anger is a mask for sadness
    0:58:27 because we’re too afraid to feel sad
    0:58:30 or we haven’t been taught or culturally,
    0:58:34 as some people aren’t allowed to show their emotions
    0:58:36 or men versus women with gender
    0:58:39 and what’s expected of us in the society.
    0:58:44 Anger can be something that masks a lot of other feelings.
    0:58:47 So something that I always think about with anger
    0:58:52 is what do I love so much that I’m trying to protect
    0:58:56 that is making me so angry right now
    0:58:59 because I feel like I’ve lost control of it?
    0:59:04 So for that one, I think that a lot of times
    0:59:07 the root for anger is actually love.
    0:59:12 I’m angry that I lost my kids because I love them so much.
    0:59:16 I’m angry that this person hurt you
    0:59:20 because I have deep respect for you as a human being.
    0:59:23 Whatever that is, a lot of times it goes back to love.
    0:59:26 So if I can start reframing my anger,
    0:59:28 allow myself to feel it,
    0:59:31 but then understand it’s coming from a place of love.
    0:59:34 How then can I fuel that love?
    0:59:36 Anger is needing action.
    0:59:39 It’s signaling to us that there are alarm bells going off.
    0:59:41 We want to be in control of something
    0:59:42 that we don’t have control of.
    0:59:46 So then how can we take control to bring action to it?
    0:59:50 Who do you love? What do you love that’s causing the anger?
    0:59:52 And then how can you show up for them?
    0:59:54 Or how can you be a part of that cause?
    0:59:57 Or how can you use your voice to help them?
    1:00:01 So helping do that can help shift our anger
    1:00:04 to actually have action behind it.
    1:00:05 That’s so good.
    1:00:07 So basically whenever you’re angry,
    1:00:09 there’s actually something that you love
    1:00:12 and you’re really passionate about behind that.
    1:00:15 If you can figure that out and lean into the love part
    1:00:18 instead of the anger part, that’s really great.
    1:00:20 Yeah. And sometimes though,
    1:00:22 healing requires you to get pissed, right?
    1:00:25 There are people who probably have wronged you
    1:00:28 and you have every reason to be upset at it.
    1:00:31 You have every reason to just be so pissed off.
    1:00:34 And so I say, let yourself be pissed off.
    1:00:38 But at some point that has to move through you,
    1:00:43 otherwise the one who becomes the most affected by it is you.
    1:00:46 And sometimes it’s a love for yourself, right?
    1:00:49 So it might be just pouring into yourself
    1:00:50 because you love yourself.
    1:00:51 How about trauma?
    1:00:55 How do you reframe thoughts and memories related to trauma?
    1:01:00 I want to first explain the difference between grief and trauma
    1:01:01 just so that everyone’s on the same page.
    1:01:07 So you can experience grief without experiencing trauma.
    1:01:09 So you can have grief, but there’s no trauma attached to it.
    1:01:13 But all trauma has grief attached to it.
    1:01:14 Does that make sense?
    1:01:17 Kind of. How do you experience grief with no trauma?
    1:01:18 Like, what’s an example?
    1:01:22 So me and you could go through the exact same situation.
    1:01:25 Let’s say we were at the exact same event
    1:01:27 and something really bad happened.
    1:01:30 Based off of my life experiences,
    1:01:34 how I’m wired psychologically, my previous trauma,
    1:01:38 my previous grief, that event could be something
    1:01:40 that completely traumatized me.
    1:01:44 Whereas perhaps that event didn’t traumatize you at all,
    1:01:46 but just gave you grief.
    1:01:51 So a person can go through the same exact thing,
    1:01:55 but not have trauma while the other person does have trauma.
    1:01:58 And so there’s no definition of,
    1:01:59 well, this is what trauma is.
    1:02:01 This is what it isn’t.
    1:02:02 It’s your reaction.
    1:02:05 Trauma is your reaction to an event.
    1:02:08 So as you’re trying to process through trauma,
    1:02:10 we all need different things.
    1:02:14 And this is where I say you need the help of a professional.
    1:02:18 Because so often our brains are like,
    1:02:21 if you broke your arm right now, where would you go?
    1:02:22 The hospital.
    1:02:24 You go to the hospital, like no question.
    1:02:26 I’m gonna go to the hospital.
    1:02:31 Well, if your brain is feeling this brokenness
    1:02:34 because of trauma, so often we feel shame
    1:02:36 and we don’t get help.
    1:02:39 But we should also be going to a professional
    1:02:43 that knows how to help us be able to heal our brains.
    1:02:45 So there’s things like EMDR,
    1:02:48 which literally helps you heal your brain.
    1:02:52 There’s psychiatrists, there’s support groups,
    1:02:58 there’s places where you can feel safe to go get that help.
    1:03:01 Because it is really difficult to get through trauma
    1:03:06 on your own and a lot of times it’s so hard to
    1:03:09 that it carries with you throughout your whole life.
    1:03:12 I think right now a lot of people at least online
    1:03:15 have been starting to talk more about generational trauma
    1:03:18 and why things are passed down
    1:03:20 from one generation to the next.
    1:03:24 And it’s because trauma literally physically changes your DNA.
    1:03:28 And when no one is taking a breath to be like,
    1:03:31 I want this to end with me or how do I heal?
    1:03:35 Continues to be passed down through habits,
    1:03:36 through our reactions,
    1:03:40 through what we then teach our children,
    1:03:42 how we treat them.
    1:03:46 And so I always recommend professional help for trauma.
    1:03:47 Makes sense.
    1:03:50 And I agree, I think it’s really important for everyone
    1:03:52 to try to heal themselves,
    1:03:54 especially in this fifth year, like you were saying,
    1:03:57 we all went through stuff in 2020.
    1:03:58 And by the time this airs,
    1:04:00 it’s going to be right at the start of the year.
    1:04:04 So it’s a perfect time to start thinking about this.
    1:04:08 So something else that you talk about in your book is fear.
    1:04:11 Fear is something that I think a lot of entrepreneurs
    1:04:16 go through, especially we work in very uncertain areas.
    1:04:19 Most of the time we don’t really know what’s going to happen next.
    1:04:20 So how do we reframe fear?
    1:04:22 What do we need to know about that?
    1:04:26 I don’t know about you, but for me in entrepreneurship,
    1:04:30 fear can show up in so many different ways.
    1:04:35 But I realize I’m not actually afraid of that thing happening.
    1:04:38 I’m afraid of something totally unrelated,
    1:04:43 but I have attached fear as the label to the current problem
    1:04:48 because it’s masking something else that I just haven’t dealt with.
    1:04:53 One of the ways, though, that can help us reframe fear
    1:04:56 is by doing the thing that we’re afraid of.
    1:05:01 Our anxiety doesn’t go away when we avoid the things that we’re anxious about.
    1:05:07 Our fear doesn’t go away when we avoid doing the things that we are fearful of.
    1:05:09 In fact, it just continues to feed it.
    1:05:14 So a lot of times we need proof,
    1:05:17 our brains need proof that it’s not something we need to be afraid of,
    1:05:21 and we need confidence that it’s something that we can handle
    1:05:25 or walk through or that if things really do go south,
    1:05:30 I have confidence in myself that I’m still going to be able to figure it out
    1:05:31 because that’s what life is, right?
    1:05:35 No one’s life goes exactly according to plan.
    1:05:36 That’s not what life is.
    1:05:38 It’s what we want it to be.
    1:05:45 But then when we find ourselves shying away from doing what we really want to be doing
    1:05:51 or really leaning into the areas of our lives that we know would light us up,
    1:05:58 but we are afraid of it not working out or us doing it wrong or losing everything,
    1:06:00 that fear just keeps getting bigger.
    1:06:03 So the only way that we can start reframing that
    1:06:07 is by taking action on the things that we’re afraid of.
    1:06:12 And when it comes to action, a lot of people are afraid of failure,
    1:06:15 but as we all know, failure and growth kind of go hand in hand.
    1:06:17 You have this awesome quote.
    1:06:21 “You talk about dirt as a fine place to start growing.”
    1:06:22 I love that.
    1:06:24 So can you elaborate on what you mean by that?
    1:06:28 I think that so many of us were afraid of getting knocked down.
    1:06:31 We’re afraid of falling flat on our faces.
    1:06:36 But it is in that dirt when your nose hits the ground,
    1:06:40 the only way back is up.
    1:06:49 And a lot of times that is the best place for us to be able to really start our growing journey.
    1:06:55 I cannot think of one entrepreneur who has not experienced a significant setback
    1:07:02 or failure that then also helped them lead to the next steps of their career.
    1:07:11 How could you expect to know exactly what to do if you never learned what not to do
    1:07:13 or if you never learned what didn’t work?
    1:07:16 Of course, we have to fail.
    1:07:18 And no one wants to feel it.
    1:07:24 But it’s also in those moments where we can really get a jump start on,
    1:07:27 “Okay, I figured this out the hard way.
    1:07:33 And now I’m going to do X, Y, and Z and have a clearer path forward this way.”
    1:07:39 Honestly, I feel like people who are willing to fail, they’re just so much smarter.
    1:07:44 I meet so many people and the most successful people that I know just go for things.
    1:07:47 And they do it and it fails and it works and it doesn’t work.
    1:07:48 And they just keep trying and trying and trying.
    1:07:53 And then they just get so much experience and they’re such a well-rounded, skilled person.
    1:07:58 And then you’ve got other people who are just afraid of making any sort of change.
    1:08:03 They stay in the same sort of mundane job where they don’t learn anything new and then they’re stuck.
    1:08:06 And they don’t really move in life.
    1:08:14 And they stay stuck and then the next year, because I hear from a lot of women who are like,
    1:08:17 “I feel stuck here, but I don’t know what to do, so I’m just going to stay here.”
    1:08:22 And then a year goes by and you still feel that feeling.
    1:08:28 And to me, that’s way more uncomfortable than trying something that doesn’t work out
    1:08:33 so that then I can find something that does rather than feeling like I’m on this hamster wheel
    1:08:37 that’s not getting me anywhere and I know what’s not getting me anywhere.
    1:08:44 I would much rather be the person that fails a million times to figure out where I actually
    1:08:51 really want to be than the one who just feels like I’m stuck on Groundhog’s Day
    1:08:52 every day that I wake up.
    1:08:53 Totally.
    1:08:56 And so I think a great way to close out this interview,
    1:09:00 which also ties to what we’re just saying, which is figuring out what you want to do with your life,
    1:09:03 is learning how to do a clarity map, which you talk about in your book.
    1:09:07 So first off, tell us about the five daily questions.
    1:09:11 You mentioned that you have five daily questions that you came up with years ago.
    1:09:17 What are these questions and how do they help us identify what matters before we move on to the next step?
    1:09:22 So the five questions you can do in as little amount of time or as much time as you want
    1:09:23 every single morning.
    1:09:27 So the very first one is, what is my intention today?
    1:09:30 The second one is, why am I worthy?
    1:09:34 There are so many of us who, when things are going good in our lives,
    1:09:39 we can start sabotaging ourselves because we feel like we’re not deserving of it.
    1:09:42 We are afraid of life feeling good again.
    1:09:43 We’re not good enough to receive it.
    1:09:49 And so being able to sit with, why am I worthy for this is actually really helpful to allow yourself
    1:09:53 to keep moving forward in a positive way in your life.
    1:09:55 The third question is, who can I serve today?
    1:09:58 Sometimes it’s going to be yourself.
    1:10:03 This is a really good place to check in of, are there needs that I’m not meeting for myself?
    1:10:05 Or how are my employees today?
    1:10:09 How is that stranger behind me in the grocery store doing?
    1:10:10 What about my partner?
    1:10:12 When’s the last time that we had to check in?
    1:10:15 That’s a really beautiful place to figure that out.
    1:10:20 The next one is, what can I set down today or what can I let go of?
    1:10:26 You guys, we carry so much heaviness throughout our day, whether that’s the fear,
    1:10:31 whether that’s a responsibility for something that is completely off out of our hands,
    1:10:36 whether that’s sadness for something that we can’t control.
    1:10:41 But what can you just set down for that day so that you have energy to do these other things?
    1:10:48 And then the very last question is, how does the truest version of me show up today?
    1:10:53 I used to ask myself, how does the best version of me show up today?
    1:10:56 But then I realized I would change my answer based off of, well,
    1:10:59 what is the best version of a mom?
    1:11:01 Or what’s the best version of an employer?
    1:11:03 Or what’s the best version of a partner?
    1:11:08 And I realized my answers were based off of what I thought other people needed and wanted from me.
    1:11:16 So I changed it and I now ask, who is the truest version of me today so that I can show up
    1:11:23 as her and lead from that place of authenticity and give the world who I am
    1:11:26 instead of letting the world dictate who I am.
    1:11:29 So those are the five questions I start with.
    1:11:31 Love that.
    1:11:35 So as we close out this interview, what should we be doing when it comes to making
    1:11:40 lasting change and working through grief, depression, trauma, loneliness?
    1:11:41 I love this.
    1:11:43 This is one of my very favorite things.
    1:11:48 I set intentions and I base my year and how I’m going to move forward
    1:11:51 based off of how I want to feel inside.
    1:11:55 And a lot of us haven’t checked in internally for a long time.
    1:11:57 Like, how do I actually want to feel?
    1:11:59 Do I want more peace in my life?
    1:12:00 Do I want more clarity?
    1:12:04 Do I want to feel like love is driving my decisions?
    1:12:05 What is that feeling?
    1:12:11 And I write that on a piece of paper and then around that I draw four boxes for the different
    1:12:20 areas of my life for emotional development, spiritual development, finances or business,
    1:12:22 and then my relationships.
    1:12:28 And in those four boxes, I then set intentions for each of those four categories
    1:12:34 that match my overall life intention so that I can have a strategy in those four life
    1:12:40 areas to move forward in a way that’s going to support how I am feeling right now in my life.
    1:12:44 And if that’s something you want more of, we do a challenge about it.
    1:12:48 I talk more about it in my book and in my podcast, but check in with your feelings
    1:12:55 and then map out a life that supports your feelings instead of starting with your goals.
    1:12:59 And that will help you feel more fulfilled once you bring everything to life.
    1:13:01 That’s great advice.
    1:13:03 I think that’s fantastic.
    1:13:06 So really just focusing on your intentions, not your goals.
    1:13:10 So Ashley, I had such a great conversation with you today.
    1:13:13 I end my show with two questions that I ask all of my guests.
    1:13:16 The first one is, what is one actionable thing our young and
    1:13:19 profitors can do today to become more profitable tomorrow?
    1:13:22 Ooh, this is such a good one.
    1:13:24 I would say invest in your mental health.
    1:13:32 There’s that return of being able to really understand who you are and why you are,
    1:13:37 how you are, is going to profit you more than anything else in the long run and
    1:13:39 help you build a sustainable business.
    1:13:43 And this one can go beyond business and finance.
    1:13:46 What is your secret to profiting in life?
    1:13:50 Wow, this is a good one.
    1:13:53 Okay, I’m like, what is my secret to profiting in life?
    1:13:58 My secret is to create peace as my priority.
    1:14:01 We didn’t get to talk about this.
    1:14:02 This is so important.
    1:14:08 Yeah, being able to live with peace as my decision maker and as the feeling that
    1:14:14 surrounds me, that has allowed me to profit in every area of my life more than
    1:14:17 anything else that I have ever tried to do.
    1:14:23 And so I base every decision off of, is this going to invite peace in my life?
    1:14:28 Or is it going to be something that prevents me from feeling peace?
    1:14:35 And that’s the thing, is pursuing peace to have a profitable life in all of the
    1:14:37 areas that you want to feel it in.
    1:14:41 And when you say peace, because I didn’t get a chance to ask you about this,
    1:14:45 and I actually really love this, when you say peace, what is peace to you?
    1:14:49 Peace to me is the feeling that can’t be bought.
    1:14:52 It can’t be mimicked by anything else.
    1:14:55 It can’t be something that someone else gives you.
    1:15:04 Peace is this internal feeling that comes when you are in alignment with your life,
    1:15:09 with who you believe your higher power to be.
    1:15:16 And when you are able to make decisions that invite in more peace,
    1:15:22 whether that is setting types of boundaries or whether that is letting things go that
    1:15:27 make you kind of feel chained, peace to me feels a lot like freedom.
    1:15:32 And there’s a lot of things that can chain us that make us lose it,
    1:15:38 whether that’s we feel chained to our job or to social media or to comparison
    1:15:46 or to toxic relationships or to these habits we just can’t get out of the cycle of doing because
    1:15:50 they’ve just become a part of who we are because that’s what helped us cope for a long time,
    1:15:52 but now it’s not serving us anymore.
    1:15:57 There’s so many chains in our life that we can have that prevent us from experiencing more peace.
    1:16:07 And so to me, peace is something that you cannot receive from any other outside source or thing.
    1:16:12 So good. I feel like that’s my favorite advice from the whole episode.
    1:16:17 That whole conversation was amazing, but that really spoke to me in terms of
    1:16:21 making decisions based on what brings you peace and not.
    1:16:24 Is this going to bring me peace or is this going to make me feel unaligned?
    1:16:26 And it’s so simple.
    1:16:33 It’s so simple. And honestly, you can make faster decisions and decisions that support you more
    1:16:40 based off of that answer of doing the gut check of, is this going to bring me peace or not?
    1:16:44 And that’s how I base every decision now, and it’s changed my life and my business
    1:16:46 and my family’s life.
    1:16:47 Yeah, I love that.
    1:16:49 Ashley, this has been amazing.
    1:16:51 Where can everybody learn more about you and everything that you do?
    1:16:54 Gosh, thank you so much, first of all, for having me.
    1:16:57 And I would love to meet all of your young and proffereders.
    1:17:00 You can come find me on Instagram @ashleykailamu.
    1:17:03 We love hanging out over there every day.
    1:17:05 You can also come and listen to my podcast.
    1:17:06 It’s called Healing Her.
    1:17:10 And if you are wanting more support on your journey,
    1:17:14 you can go to my website to see what that looks like at AshleyLamu.com.
    1:17:16 Amazing.
    1:17:19 Ashley, thank you so much for joining us on Young and Profiting Podcast.
    1:17:21 Thanks for having me.
    1:17:26 Yeah, bam.
    1:17:31 Well, that was such a deep and therapeutic episode with Ashley.
    1:17:34 And I think a lot of entrepreneurs, including yours truly,
    1:17:39 handle grief and stress by sinking our energies deeper into our work.
    1:17:40 And it might work for a while.
    1:17:45 You may even grow your company, hit your targets, achieve some great things.
    1:17:48 But still, such a strategy is not sustainable.
    1:17:49 We all know that.
    1:17:53 And we are really only delaying coming to terms with our pain and fear.
    1:17:58 As Ashley put it, grief can only be pacified by work or achievement.
    1:18:01 And at some point, you’re going to have to confront that grief
    1:18:04 and give yourself the space to sit with it.
    1:18:09 You can’t run a business on fumes or by running away from your own problems.
    1:18:13 But one of the good things about success is that it can be a wonderful buffer.
    1:18:17 Having resources should give you the time and space you need to ensure
    1:18:20 that your internal development matches your external achievements.
    1:18:23 You just need to eventually take that time.
    1:18:25 And once you do take that time,
    1:18:28 you can start observing your own thoughts and reframing the negative ones
    1:18:30 to be less impactful.
    1:18:33 You can be open about your own anger and frustrations
    1:18:35 and even find a silver lining there.
    1:18:39 Remember that a lot of our anger comes from a place of passion and love.
    1:18:41 And you just have to figure out how to lean
    1:18:44 into the more constructive power of that passion.
    1:18:48 And sometimes this also means coming to terms with our failures,
    1:18:52 realizing that we’ve hit rock bottom and need to start over.
    1:18:55 I really believe that the best entrepreneurs have to fall flat on our faces
    1:18:58 from time to time in order to really succeed.
    1:19:01 But when you do, just remember that, like Ashley said,
    1:19:04 the dirt is a fine place to start growing.
    1:19:08 Thanks for listening to this episode of Young and Profiting Podcast.
    1:19:11 If you listen learned and profited from this conversation
    1:19:13 with the insightful Ashley Lemieux,
    1:19:17 then please help us grow it by sharing with somebody that you know.
    1:19:19 And if you enjoyed the show and you learned something,
    1:19:22 then drop us a five star review on Apple, Spotify, Cast Box,
    1:19:24 wherever you listen to the show.
    1:19:25 I want to hear from you.
    1:19:27 I love to read your reviews.
    1:19:30 I read them every single day, and it makes me so happy to see them.
    1:19:33 So drop us a review if you listen to the show.
    1:19:37 If you’re new to the show, maybe you found me from Funnel Hacking Live,
    1:19:38 and now you’re following the show.
    1:19:39 Welcome to the YAP BAM.
    1:19:43 I’m so happy to have you guys as new subscribers.
    1:19:45 And if you prefer to watch your podcasts
    1:19:47 and you like watching your podcasts on YouTube,
    1:19:48 all of our videos are on YouTube.
    1:19:50 I do everything on video.
    1:19:52 I’ve got a lot more in-person content.
    1:19:55 I just interviewed Mel Robbins in person, Gary Vee in person.
    1:19:57 So all that is on there.
    1:20:00 You can also find me on Instagram @yapwithhalla or LinkedIn.
    1:20:02 Just search my name, Hala Taha.
    1:20:06 I of course want to give a big shout out to my YAP production team.
    1:20:08 I have an agency, YAP Media,
    1:20:10 and I’ve got the best team in the world.
    1:20:12 Thank you guys for all your hard work.
    1:20:14 This is your host, Hala Taha,
    1:20:16 aka the Podcast Princess, signing off.
    1:20:20 [MUSIC PLAYING]
    1:20:23 [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
    1:20:26 [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
    1:20:30 [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
    1:20:40 [BLANK_AUDIO]

    Ashley Lemieux’s journey is a masterclass in navigating grief as an entrepreneur. She became a mother overnight, only to lose the children she raised in a contested adoption. Years later, she was pregnant and hopeful, but a battle with sepsis led to the devastating loss of her baby boy. After years of running from grief, Ashley finally reached a breaking point. One day, she broke down, threw up her hands, and screamed, “I am here!” That mantra became a powerful reminder to stay mindful. In this episode, Ashley shares how the Clarity Mapping framework helped rebuild her life and teaches us how to shine, even through life’s darkest moments.

    In this episode, Hala and Ashley will discuss: 

    (00:00) Introduction

    (01:11) Unexpected Parenthood and Loss

    (05:46) Clarity Mapping: A Guide for Self-Healing

    (07:56) Surviving a Health Crisis and Pregnancy Loss

    (11:01) The Power of Storytelling in Healing

    (16:33) Shutting Down a Successful Business

    (22:25) The Fear of Pivoting in Entrepreneurship

    (27:09) “I Am Here”: A Mindfulness Mantra

    (29:33) How Entrepreneurs Deal with Grief

    (36:54) Building a Sustainable Life and Business

    (38:57) Reframing Negative Thoughts and Habits

    (49:00) Distinguishing Grief from Trauma

    (52:08) Overcoming Fear in Entrepreneurship

    (56:58) The Five Daily Questions for a Growth Mindset

    (1:01:43) Why Mental Health and Inner Peace Matter

    Ashley Lemieux is a wellness coach, bestselling author, and founder and CEO of The Shine Project, an online community that provides women with support and motivation. Having overcome profound grief and loss, she developed Clarity Mapping, a tool for finding purpose, making mindset shifts, and gaining clarity. Through her podcast Healing Her, she helps others rebuild their lives after loss.

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    Resources Mentioned:

    Ashley’s Book, Born to Shine: amzn.to/437SVEY 

    Ashley’s Book, I Am Here: amzn.to/417DzNR 

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  • How to Achieve Inner Peace & Healing | Dr. Richard Schwartz

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    AI transcript
    0:00:04 Welcome to the Huberman Lab Podcast, where we discuss science and science-based tools
    0:00:07 for everyday life.
    0:00:14 I’m Andrew Huberman, and I’m a professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford
    0:00:15 School of Medicine.
    0:00:17 My guest today is Dr. Richard Schwartz.
    0:00:22 Dr. Richard Schwartz is the founder of Internal Family Systems Therapy, which is a unique
    0:00:27 form of therapy that’s less centered on your relationship to other people, but instead
    0:00:31 focuses mainly on identifying the parts of yourself and your personality that tend to
    0:00:36 emerge in different situations and that tend to create anxiety, resent, or depression.
    0:00:40 Another key feature of Internal Family Systems Therapy is that it’s not just focused on
    0:00:45 fixing challenges within us; it also teaches you how to grow your confidence, openness,
    0:00:46 and compassion.
    0:00:50 Now, today’s episode is different than any other episode of the podcast that we’ve
    0:00:52 done before, and that’s for two reasons.
    0:00:57 First, Dr. Schwartz takes me through a brief session of IFS therapy, so you can see exactly
    0:01:02 what it looks like in practice, and then he takes you, the listener, through it as well.
    0:01:06 So as you’ll soon observe end experience, Internal Family Systems Therapy allows you
    0:01:10 to work through challenging sticking points, basically the parts or feelings within you
    0:01:14 that you don’t like to have, and then it shows you how to convert those feelings into
    0:01:16 more functional aspects of yourself.
    0:01:20 So as you’ll soon see, Internal Family Systems Therapy is both super interesting and it’s
    0:01:23 an incredibly empowering practice.
    0:01:27 It’s also a form of therapy that’s now been studied and for which there’s a lot of peer-reviewed
    0:01:29 science to support its efficacy.
    0:01:33 By the end of today’s episode, Dr. Dick Schwartz will have shown you that a lot of the negative
    0:01:37 reactions that we tend to have with different people and things tend to originate from a
    0:01:42 few basic patterns that once we understand, we can really transmute into more positive
    0:01:43 responses.
    0:01:45 It’s a really interesting practice.
    0:01:49 It’s one that you can apply today during the episode and that you can return to in order
    0:01:52 to apply going forward in your life.
    0:01:55 Before we begin, I’d like to emphasize that this podcast is separate from my teaching
    0:01:57 and research roles at Stanford.
    0:02:01 It is, however, part of my desired effort to bring zero-cost to consumer information
    0:02:04 about science and science-related tools to the general public.
    0:02:08 In keeping with that theme, this episode does include sponsors.
    0:02:11 And now for my discussion with Dr. Richard Schwartz.
    0:02:13 Dr. Dick Schwartz, welcome.
    0:02:15 Thank you, Andrew.
    0:02:17 It’s a delightful to be with you.
    0:02:24 I’ve heard so much about you and your work and internal family systems models.
    0:02:28 I’ve had the opportunity to do a little bit of that work.
    0:02:32 To be honest, I don’t know whether or not the person I did that work with was formally
    0:02:33 trained in it.
    0:02:40 So I’d like to start off by just asking you what is internal family systems and what are
    0:02:42 the different components?
    0:02:46 And as we do that, I’m sure people are going to be thinking about these various components
    0:02:49 for their own life and the people in their lives.
    0:02:50 Right.
    0:02:55 Well, originally, I developed it as a form of psychotherapy, which is probably the way
    0:03:03 it’s used most now, but it’s also become a kind of life practice and just a paradigm
    0:03:09 for understanding the human mind is an alternative to the culture’s paradigm.
    0:03:17 So that’s saying a lot, and it’s been quite a journey.
    0:03:23 I know Freudian psychoanalysis, I know of any number of different branches of psychology
    0:03:25 that have a clinical slant to them.
    0:03:28 There’s cognitive behavioral therapy.
    0:03:31 What are the core components of internal family systems?
    0:03:32 Yeah.
    0:03:39 So one basic assumption is that the mind isn’t unitary, that actually we’re all multiple
    0:03:47 personalities, not in the diagnostic sense, but we all have these what I call parts, other
    0:03:54 systems call subpersonalities, ego states, things like that, and that it’s the natural
    0:04:01 state of the mind to be that way, that we’re born with them because they’re all very valuable
    0:04:08 and have qualities and resources to help us survive and thrive.
    0:04:18 But trauma and what’s called attachment injuries and the slings and arrows we suffer force
    0:04:25 these little naturally valuable parts into roles that can be destructive.
    0:04:32 And they don’t like it all, but because they’re frozen often in time during the trauma and
    0:04:38 they live as if it’s still happening, they’re in these protective roles that can be quite
    0:04:41 extreme in interfering your life.
    0:04:49 And yeah, so I just stumbled on the phenomena of a 40, now I think it’s 41 years ago and
    0:04:52 it’s been an amazing ride.
    0:04:56 So at the time were you already practicing as a clinical psychologist?
    0:04:59 Actually I have a PhD in Maryland family therapy.
    0:05:05 So I was part of the movement in family therapy away from intracyclic work.
    0:05:10 There was a polarization and we thought we could reorganize families and heal all these
    0:05:13 symptoms just by doing that.
    0:05:15 We didn’t have to muck around in the inner world.
    0:05:22 And I went to prove that and this was about 1983 by getting a group of bulimic kids together
    0:05:28 in their families and tried to reorganize the families just the way the book said to
    0:05:30 and failed.
    0:05:36 The kids didn’t realize they’d been cured and they kept binging and purging.
    0:05:41 So out of frustration I began asking why and they started talking this language of parts
    0:05:47 and they would say some version of when something bad happens in my life, it triggers this critic
    0:05:52 who’s calling me all kinds of names inside and that goes right to the heart of a part
    0:05:56 that feels empty and alone and worthless.
    0:06:01 And that’s so distressing to feel that the binge part comes in and takes me out, takes
    0:06:07 me away from all that pain, but the critic comes in and attacks me for the binge and
    0:06:13 then the criticism goes right to the heart of that worthless part.
    0:06:19 So to me as a family therapist, this sounded like what I’d been studying in external families,
    0:06:21 these circular sequences of interaction.
    0:06:26 So I just got curious and just started to explore.
    0:06:30 Are these different parts that exist within each and all of us?
    0:06:36 Are they represented by a clear and distinct voice from the other or do people typically
    0:06:39 experience them as just the self?
    0:06:47 Like my inner critic, you’ll give us the other names and titles or is this happening typically
    0:06:50 below people’s conscious awareness?
    0:06:51 Some of both.
    0:06:59 So most people are aware they’re a critic, but other times you’re not aware of these
    0:07:04 parts we call exiles that you’ve locked away because you didn’t want to feel their feelings.
    0:07:08 They’re stuck in these bad trauma scenes.
    0:07:12 And to survive in your life, you had to push them away.
    0:07:18 And so with those parts, a lot of people aren’t really consciously aware of them until these
    0:07:23 protected parts give space and open the door to the exiles.
    0:07:27 I’d like to take a quick break and acknowledge our sponsor, BetterHelp.
    0:07:31 BetterHelp offers professional therapy with a licensed therapist carried out entirely
    0:07:32 online.
    0:07:35 Now, I personally have been doing therapy weekly for well over 30 years.
    0:07:40 In fact, I consider doing regular therapy just as important as getting regular exercise,
    0:07:41 which of course I also do every week.
    0:07:44 There are essentially three things that great therapy provides.
    0:07:48 First of all, it provides a good rapport with somebody that you can trust and talk to about
    0:07:50 pretty much any issue with.
    0:07:55 Second of all, it can provide support in the form of emotional support and directed guidance.
    0:07:58 And third, expert therapy can provide useful insights.
    0:08:02 These that allow you to better not just your emotional life and your relationship life,
    0:08:06 but of course also the relationship to yourself and your professional life and to all sorts
    0:08:07 of goals.
    0:08:11 BetterHelp makes it very easy to find an expert therapist with whom you resonate with and
    0:08:15 that can provide you those three benefits that come from effective therapy.
    0:08:19 Also because BetterHelp allows for therapy to be done entirely online, it’s super time
    0:08:21 efficient and easy to fit into a busy schedule.
    0:08:26 If you’d like to try BetterHelp, you can go to betterhelp.com/huberman to get 10% off
    0:08:27 your first month.
    0:08:31 Again, that’s betterhelp.com/huberman.
    0:08:33 Today’s episode is also brought to us by David.
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    0:08:41 It has 28 grams of protein, only 150 calories and zero grams of sugar.
    0:08:46 That’s right, 28 grams of protein and 75% of its calories come from protein.
    0:08:48 This is 50% higher than the next closest protein bar.
    0:08:51 David protein bars also taste amazing.
    0:08:52 Even the texture is amazing.
    0:08:56 My favorite bar is the chocolate chip cookie dough, but then again I also like the new
    0:08:59 chocolate peanut butter flavor and the chocolate brownie flavor.
    0:09:01 Basically, I like all the flavors a lot.
    0:09:02 They’re all incredibly delicious.
    0:09:06 In fact, the toughest challenge is knowing which ones to eat on which days and how many
    0:09:07 times per day.
    0:09:10 I limit myself to two per day, but I absolutely love them.
    0:09:15 With David, I’m able to get 28 grams of protein in the calories of a snack, which makes it
    0:09:19 easy to hit my protein goals of one gram of protein per pound of body weight per day.
    0:09:23 And it allows me to do so without ingesting too many calories.
    0:09:27 I’ll eat a David protein bar most afternoons as a snack and I always keep one with me when
    0:09:29 I’m out of the house or traveling.
    0:09:33 They’re incredibly delicious and given that they have 28 grams of protein, they’re really
    0:09:36 satisfying for having just 150 calories.
    0:09:40 If you’d like to try David, you can go to davidprotein.com/huberman.
    0:09:45 Again, that’s davidprotein.com/huberman.
    0:09:51 Definitely want to go into what the various protector roles or titles are, labels, excuse
    0:09:53 me, and the exiles.
    0:09:57 Before we do that, since you brought up the topic of trauma, and this is a topic that
    0:10:05 I think many, many people are interested in, I’m just curious, how do you define a trauma?
    0:10:14 And why do you think it is that traumas tend to lock us into a state that was representative
    0:10:16 of an earlier time?
    0:10:20 Why is it that it’s so linked to this thing of time perception?
    0:10:25 Yeah, the why question I can’t totally answer, but it definitely is.
    0:10:28 And for me, traumas aren’t necessarily traumatizing.
    0:10:31 So something bad happens to you.
    0:10:39 And if you can access what you and Martha Beck were calling the self, the capitalist,
    0:10:44 and you go to the part of you that got hurt by what happened instead of pushing it away
    0:10:50 and locking it up, and you embrace it, and you bring it closer to you, which means going
    0:10:55 to your suffering, which is counter to what most of us try to do.
    0:11:00 But if you were to do that, and you could help it unload the feelings it got from the
    0:11:04 trauma, then you’re not traumatized.
    0:11:09 What’s traumatizing is something bad happens.
    0:11:14 These more vulnerable parts of us, the most sensitive parts of us get hurt or feel worthless
    0:11:18 because of what happened or get terrified.
    0:11:23 And then we lock them away because we don’t want to feel that feeling anymore.
    0:11:29 And everybody around us tells us to just let it go, just move on, don’t look back.
    0:11:36 And so we wind up exiling our most sensitive parts simply because they got hurt.
    0:11:41 And then when you have a lot of exiles, you feel more delicate.
    0:11:45 The world seems more dangerous because anything could trigger that.
    0:11:48 And when they get triggered, they’ll blow up, they’ll take over.
    0:11:54 So it’s like these flames of raw emotion come popping out.
    0:12:01 So other parts are forced into these manager roles or these protective roles.
    0:12:05 And some of them are trying to manage your life so that you don’t get triggered anymore,
    0:12:11 so that, for example, nobody gets close enough to you to trigger any of that.
    0:12:17 Or so you look really good so you don’t get rejected or perform at a really high level
    0:12:20 to counter the worthlessness.
    0:12:25 Many of those become the critics because in their effort to try to get you to look good,
    0:12:32 they’re yelling at you to try and behave and do what they want so you look better.
    0:12:37 And then there are other what we call manager protectors that are, for some people, particularly
    0:12:42 women, these massive caretaking parts that don’t let them take care of themselves and
    0:12:44 take care of everybody else.
    0:12:45 So I can go on and on.
    0:12:49 There’s a lot of common manager roles.
    0:12:53 And I want to make clear as I’m talking about this that these are not the essence of the
    0:12:58 parts, and that’s a big mistake that most of the field has made is to assume the critic
    0:13:05 is just an internalized, critical, parent voice instead of listening to it and hearing
    0:13:08 that it’s desperately trying to protect you.
    0:13:10 So none of these are what they seem.
    0:13:11 That’s the role they’ve been forced into.
    0:13:19 And the analogy, again, is to an external family, like kids in dysfunctional families
    0:13:23 are forced into these extreme roles that aren’t who they are.
    0:13:27 It’s the role they get forced into by the dynamics of the family.
    0:13:30 They’re the same as true with this internal family.
    0:13:35 So most of us have a lot of what we call managers.
    0:13:36 They got us here.
    0:13:45 They help us in our careers, and other systems would call them the defenses or the ego.
    0:13:49 And in spirituality, they get vilified, too.
    0:13:59 But their whole MO is keep everything under control, please everybody, and you’ll survive.
    0:14:03 The world has a way of breaking through those defenses, triggering an exile.
    0:14:08 When that happens, it’s a big emergency because, again, these flames of raw emotion are going
    0:14:15 to overwhelm you and make you have trouble functioning or even getting out of bed.
    0:14:20 So there are other parts that immediately go into action to deal with that emergency.
    0:14:27 And in contrast to these managers, they’re impulsive, reactive, dam the torpedoes.
    0:14:32 I don’t care about the collateral damage to your body, to your relationships.
    0:14:38 I just got to get you higher than those flames or douse them with some substance or distract
    0:14:40 you till they burn themselves out.
    0:14:41 So we call those firefighters.
    0:14:45 And again, these are just the roles.
    0:14:50 When released from these roles, they’ll transform into being something very valuable.
    0:14:59 So the inner firefighter role is one of the exiles that surfaces under conditions of a
    0:15:01 lot of emotion.
    0:15:06 This is a beautiful description, and I’m completely on board this idea that we have multiple aspects
    0:15:09 of self or selves inside.
    0:15:10 Jung said that too, I think, right?
    0:15:11 Yeah.
    0:15:13 Jung had all this a long time ago.
    0:15:14 Yeah.
    0:15:20 And what I like about this, protectors/managers versus, again, not versus because they’re
    0:15:28 combated, but as a distinct category, the exiles is, just feels very true to me.
    0:15:31 And I like the directness of the language.
    0:15:37 So maybe we could just create a mental grid for people.
    0:15:42 Like if, let’s say I came to you as a patient, and I said, “Listen, I’ll just be direct.
    0:15:43 I’ll be honest.
    0:15:44 Why not do it?”
    0:15:45 Let’s do it.
    0:15:48 Secretly, I brought you here to get therapy.
    0:15:49 No.
    0:15:55 But, okay, so I’m somebody who, for a very long time, has been able to organize his life.
    0:16:02 I tend to have smooth interactions with my coworkers, great friendships.
    0:16:06 I now have a very good relationship with my immediate family.
    0:16:07 Very good, in fact.
    0:16:14 I’m still working on a few things with a few people, but I’m living in a mode of great
    0:16:16 joy and appreciation these days.
    0:16:22 However, I’m not going to give the details of this for sake of privacy, but the other
    0:16:24 day I was in a discussion with a family member.
    0:16:30 They had a grievance with me that I thought we had already addressed, and it became a
    0:16:36 very high-friction conversation very quickly to the point where we tabled as an idea that
    0:16:42 maybe we just take some serious space, which was not reflective of how deeply I love this
    0:16:43 person or they love me.
    0:16:52 It was just a feeling of both of us just being in this high-tension place, and fortunately,
    0:16:59 the conversation ended well with a path forward that involved more contact, not less, that
    0:17:06 both of us feel really good about, but in that moment where I’m feeling overwhelmed and
    0:17:09 they’re feeling overwhelmed.
    0:17:10 What’s going on there?
    0:17:11 We’re both adults.
    0:17:13 So, overwhelmed with anger at each other?
    0:17:14 Frustration.
    0:17:15 Frustration.
    0:17:16 Yeah.
    0:17:17 Frustration.
    0:17:27 Like that previous conversations, I felt I hadn’t … I was saying things.
    0:17:31 They were saying things, but I feel like there was so much underlying tension based on a
    0:17:41 history of poor communication nested on top of an intensity of emotion that we both tend
    0:17:48 to carry, and somehow we just couldn’t parse things from that state.
    0:17:53 So I sat in my chair and I just told myself, “Okay, I’m going to not say anything for five
    0:17:55 minutes because I know myself.”
    0:18:00 It’s not that I thought I would say something really barbed wire, but I just thought, “This
    0:18:01 is not going to work.
    0:18:04 Like I’m slamming my head against a wall.
    0:18:05 They’re not hearing me.
    0:18:08 I’m clearly not hearing them.”
    0:18:13 And the thing that helped me through that was just because it was what was taught to me,
    0:18:16 I just decided to surrender.
    0:18:21 And the word surrender used to mean to me letting go of truth, and it felt really scary
    0:18:26 because when you say surrender, it’s almost like saying, “One context is surrender means
    0:18:27 you’re right, no matter.”
    0:18:28 And you’re right.
    0:18:29 I was just going to say that’s right.
    0:18:33 But I’ve come to realize that surrender to me is just surrender in the moment so that
    0:18:40 I can get better optics, internal and external optics.
    0:18:48 So to me, the thing of embracing surrender in those types of moments, very uncomfortable,
    0:18:55 but I now have learned it’s a great way to get perspective.
    0:18:59 But even as I describe it, the whole situation was so heavy.
    0:19:03 I came out of that call even though it ended well and was like, “Ugh.”
    0:19:04 Yeah.
    0:19:05 Like, “Ugh.”
    0:19:10 That was like, I’d never run a marathon, but I’d rather run a marathon than do two
    0:19:11 of those a week.
    0:19:12 Totally agree.
    0:19:13 Yeah.
    0:19:14 I had one of those with my wife a few days ago.
    0:19:15 Okay.
    0:19:16 All right.
    0:19:17 Well.
    0:19:22 We were just caught that part and said, “Okay.
    0:19:25 Let’s just let it go for now and we’ll talk later.”
    0:19:31 So I could give you my take on what happened, but if you wanted to, we could just go in
    0:19:33 and do a little exploring.
    0:19:34 Sure.
    0:19:35 Yeah?
    0:19:36 Yeah.
    0:19:37 Sure.
    0:19:38 Okay.
    0:19:39 Should we start with the frustrated angry part?
    0:19:40 Sure.
    0:19:41 All right.
    0:19:42 You ready?
    0:19:43 I believe so.
    0:19:44 Yeah.
    0:19:45 Okay.
    0:19:52 So remember that feeling and then focus on it and find it in your body or around your
    0:19:53 body.
    0:19:54 Okay.
    0:19:59 Where do you find that?
    0:20:05 Between the middle of my midsection and like right behind my forehead, like there’s pressure.
    0:20:06 It’s great.
    0:20:07 Both places.
    0:20:08 It’s great.
    0:20:09 You have such clarity about it.
    0:20:15 As you focus there, how do you feel toward this part of you?
    0:20:17 I don’t know.
    0:20:18 It’s very unpleasant.
    0:20:20 So you don’t like it?
    0:20:21 No.
    0:20:22 I don’t like it.
    0:20:23 Yeah.
    0:20:29 Which makes sense because it does, you know, sometimes escalate things with your friend
    0:20:32 and doesn’t leave you feeling good.
    0:20:37 So I understand why you don’t like it, but we’re going to ask the parts that don’t like
    0:20:43 it to give us the space to just get curious about it and see if that’s possible.
    0:20:45 Okay.
    0:20:48 Okay.
    0:20:50 So how do you feel toward it now?
    0:20:56 A little bit of relaxation in the head part of it.
    0:20:59 Yeah.
    0:21:02 It’s funny how when you ask me to localize it, it’s so clear.
    0:21:04 It’s like this thing inside me.
    0:21:07 It’s like this about the size of like a teddy bear that’s just like, but it’s not a friend.
    0:21:08 It’s not a good thing.
    0:21:10 It’s like pushed up there.
    0:21:14 But then when you said to get curious about it, it feels like it kind of drops down a
    0:21:17 little bit and kind of moves in a little, maybe softens a little bit.
    0:21:19 So you do feel curious toward it?
    0:21:20 Yeah.
    0:21:21 All right.
    0:21:25 So go ahead and ask it what it wants you to know about itself.
    0:21:26 Silently.
    0:21:29 Up to you, either way, whichever is more comfortable.
    0:21:34 Well, since this is a podcast and none of this is comfortable anyway for me to do in
    0:21:37 public, if I’m quite honest.
    0:21:38 Just ask inside.
    0:21:39 Sure.
    0:21:41 No, I’ll do it out loud.
    0:21:42 Okay.
    0:21:45 So what do you want me to know about you?
    0:21:46 Yeah.
    0:21:47 And just wait for the answer.
    0:21:48 Don’t think.
    0:21:53 I know you’ve got a big cognitive part, so we’re going to ask that one to relax and
    0:21:58 just whatever comes in terms of the answer, just wait for it.
    0:22:04 Well, my answer is based on the feeling that occurred immediately after asking it, which
    0:22:11 was the answer was I can dissipate and then I kind of felt it dissipate.
    0:22:12 Okay.
    0:22:19 So it feels like an energy that when condensed sucks, but when I look at it, softened a little
    0:22:23 bit and then asked the question you asked and then it feels like it just kind of went
    0:22:29 into the rest of my body, but not poisoning the rest of my body, just kind of mixing in
    0:22:35 with, of course we’re speaking in completely, in mystical terms here.
    0:22:40 So it relaxed, it may not have dissipated in the way we think about that, it might have
    0:22:48 just relaxed more, but just keep asking it, what’s it afraid would happen if in that context
    0:22:51 it didn’t try to take over in the way that it did?
    0:22:53 Just ask that question.
    0:22:54 If it didn’t try to take over.
    0:22:55 Yeah.
    0:22:59 What’s it afraid would happen if it hadn’t tried to take over?
    0:23:00 Just wait for the answer.
    0:23:01 Yeah.
    0:23:02 That’s a good question.
    0:23:03 Okay.
    0:23:10 So what would happen if you didn’t take over my system that way, condense from my stomach
    0:23:12 to my head when I’m feeling that way?
    0:23:13 Yeah.
    0:23:16 Don’t think, yeah.
    0:23:22 The answers are coming really quick that I wouldn’t be able to discern the truth.
    0:23:23 Okay.
    0:23:26 So the truth is really important to this part of you.
    0:23:27 Yeah.
    0:23:28 Yeah.
    0:23:35 So it’s to surface when I’m hearing something that I believe to be fundamentally untrue
    0:23:39 typically about my thoughts or feelings, right?
    0:23:44 I’ve come maybe with age, I’ve come to the conclusion that two people can look at the
    0:23:49 same interaction or same thing and have two very different versions of it.
    0:23:51 I’m okay with that.
    0:23:55 The part that I’m very, very sensitive to, people in my life know this, is when someone
    0:24:00 else tells me how I feel, what my motives are or how I feel.
    0:24:09 That to me is like, that’s a kind of a hard, fast way to engage this thing.
    0:24:10 Okay.
    0:24:11 So just stay with this thing.
    0:24:12 Just stay with that.
    0:24:13 Okay.
    0:24:14 And let it know you get that.
    0:24:20 That having people misinterpret your motives is really, really hard for it.
    0:24:23 And ask it more about that.
    0:24:29 Again, don’t think, but ask why that’s so hard, why does that bother it so much?
    0:24:33 And what sort of fright would happen if it let that go?
    0:24:34 Yeah.
    0:24:42 So why are you afraid to, why do you have to step in when that happens?
    0:24:48 My answer is not going to be very satisfying for the listeners or for me.
    0:25:01 But it’s saying, because if you can’t hold on to your truth, then nothing will make sense.
    0:25:06 So there’s something about making sense or not, nothing making sense that it’s really
    0:25:07 scared of.
    0:25:08 Is that right?
    0:25:09 Yeah.
    0:25:17 I mean, I decided to become a biologist and to try and understand the meat inside our heads
    0:25:22 and body that is the nervous system because I felt, and I still feel that it can reveal
    0:25:30 some fundamental facts or truths as understanding reality as it were is really important to
    0:25:43 me because I feel like humans, including myself, of course, are so prone to misinterpretation.
    0:25:51 So like the truth as a thing out there, I’m willing to let go of completely, like completely.
    0:25:59 The truth as it exists for knowing for certain what my motivations were, what did or didn’t
    0:26:01 happen, but typically it’s about motivation.
    0:26:07 What did or didn’t happen, you usually can parse with somebody.
    0:26:10 That’s something I feel I need to protect at all costs.
    0:26:11 Yeah.
    0:26:15 So making a protect, and so this is a protector part, right?
    0:26:20 Ask it if it’s protecting other parts of you that are vulnerable and get hurt when someone
    0:26:25 misattunes to what your motive is.
    0:26:26 Just ask that question.
    0:26:28 Don’t think.
    0:26:31 That’s an easy, that’s a fast one, not easy, but it’s a fast one.
    0:26:32 Yeah.
    0:26:45 For me that feels injured by that is the fact that I believe that I at least at the beginning
    0:26:50 and throughout most of a relationship and even if a relationship ends for whatever reason
    0:27:00 that I know it’s my nature to try and imagine as much goodness in the intent of the other
    0:27:01 person as possible.
    0:27:09 So if I were to let go of this response, keep going, in my mind I’m going like this, it’s
    0:27:18 like a titanium teddy bear shaped thing, but it’s not like a titanium block there.
    0:27:27 I would potentially move into a mode of judgment of them.
    0:27:32 It’s interesting because there are many people from my past and maybe even a few from my
    0:27:39 present that people close to me who are pretty well qualified tell me that I should dislike
    0:27:48 them or cut them out of my life and there are a few, maybe one or two instances of people
    0:27:54 I’ve cut out of my life, but it’s my inclination always to just try and see what can exist.
    0:27:58 So that part feels important to me, I don’t know why it’s important now that I’ve come
    0:27:59 to think about it.
    0:28:08 Well, we can ask, so what I’m hearing is this guy, this titanium guy is keeping at bay another
    0:28:11 part that can be very judgmental of the other person.
    0:28:14 Yeah, I don’t like feeling that.
    0:28:20 It feels energetically wasteful and it feels, more than that, it feels incredibly sad.
    0:28:30 I think to accept that part of myself is to give up on some fantasy, which is probably
    0:28:36 an unrealistic fantasy, which is what I’m calling it a fantasy, I realize.
    0:28:43 Because I look at, and I always have since I was a kid, I look at people as we are among
    0:28:47 the animals, we’re the curators of the earth because we’re good at technology development,
    0:28:54 aside from that, and just like you wouldn’t, I can’t imagine that a raccoon looks at another
    0:29:02 raccoon and it’s like, that’s a bad raccoon, it’s just a rabid raccoon, and they just,
    0:29:09 I yearn for the same sensitivity to our own species.
    0:29:10 I get that.
    0:29:11 Yeah.
    0:29:12 Like I don’t hate anybody.
    0:29:15 Well, there might be parts of you that do.
    0:29:17 I hate behaviors.
    0:29:23 I hate things that people have said or done, certainly mostly to other people, not to me,
    0:29:32 but yeah, being really being angry at someone in a pervasive way, not just in the moment,
    0:29:35 is something that’s very difficult for me.
    0:29:41 But what I’m hearing, what we heard from this part, it’s afraid if it doesn’t do this,
    0:29:50 a part that judges the other probably in a not-so-nice way would be released, does that
    0:29:51 sound right?
    0:29:52 Yeah.
    0:29:53 So there is that part in there.
    0:29:56 It’s just that you’ve been able to kind of exile it.
    0:29:57 Yes.
    0:29:58 Okay.
    0:29:59 Yeah.
    0:30:04 I’m comfortable with the idea that you take the appropriate amount of distance, could
    0:30:10 be zero, or could be near infinite, but that I should take the appropriate amount of distance
    0:30:16 from things and people so that I can be in the most loving stance toward them or that.
    0:30:17 Yeah.
    0:30:20 I’m not trying to sound technical here with all the parallel constructions, but I’ve thought
    0:30:21 this through a lot.
    0:30:28 Like there’s some people that I, there’s no limit to the extent to which I want to interact
    0:30:29 with them.
    0:30:32 You know, we have other things to do and I can spend all our time together.
    0:30:37 Then there are other people that I love them, but I know that I have to keep a certain amount
    0:30:40 of distance in order to continue to love them.
    0:30:42 This is the same thing.
    0:30:47 So in that moment, it’s almost like, but it’s coming up without my conscious thing.
    0:30:52 It’s not like saying, listen, that’s the kind of person I can talk to like once a month
    0:30:53 or something.
    0:30:59 And I’ll just add, you know, in professional settings, not now, but in the distant past,
    0:31:03 when I was in a very hierarchical structure of, I’m still in academia, I still teach,
    0:31:06 but not running research anymore formally.
    0:31:14 You know, like I had a couple senior colleagues that I really loved and respected, but that
    0:31:20 they, they would say or do things that I thought were frankly unethical to other people.
    0:31:23 And to me, that I felt them as kind of abrasive.
    0:31:29 So I might like the physical manifestation of this is I would make it a point to like
    0:31:32 walk past their office door quickly so that they didn’t say, hey, because I don’t want
    0:31:33 to interact.
    0:31:37 And I don’t, I’m not familiar with cutting people out of my life.
    0:31:38 Right.
    0:31:39 I’m just not familiar with doing that.
    0:31:42 I don’t, I sort of don’t believe in it as a value.
    0:31:43 Let’s pause for a second.
    0:31:46 I’ll give you a little overview where we are.
    0:31:51 So we started with this guy who came up with your friend and is trying to protect that
    0:31:59 relationship because if you continue to be misunderstood in terms of your motives, it
    0:32:00 would have an impact.
    0:32:01 Does that sound right?
    0:32:02 Yeah.
    0:32:03 Yeah.
    0:32:04 As a family member.
    0:32:05 Yeah.
    0:32:06 Not that matters.
    0:32:07 But close family member.
    0:32:08 Got it.
    0:32:09 Yeah.
    0:32:17 And in exploring this part, asking what it’s afraid would happen if it didn’t do that.
    0:32:22 So there’s this other part that might come out that would be very judgmental of that
    0:32:29 family member and really might have a bad influence on your relationship with that person.
    0:32:30 Does that sound right?
    0:32:31 That’s correct.
    0:32:32 Okay.
    0:32:38 So we have these two, well, we have you who’s noticing all this, which we should talk more
    0:32:39 about.
    0:32:46 And then we have these two parts that are sort of polarized, but one, the judgmental one,
    0:32:48 you really don’t like.
    0:32:53 And so you really go to lengths to keep it bay.
    0:33:01 And you kind of admire this guy, and, but you also know that he can get in the way at
    0:33:02 times too.
    0:33:03 Does all that sound right?
    0:33:04 Yeah.
    0:33:05 That’s right.
    0:33:09 Because I’m describing a recent situation where the presence of this titanium teddy
    0:33:15 bear, sorry, I don’t know why that’s amusing to me to say that.
    0:33:19 The shape of a teddy bear, I’m not seeing a teddy bear in there, but roughly that size
    0:33:20 and shape.
    0:33:25 It creates a protection, but a pressure internally that’s super uncomfortable.
    0:33:29 It’s actually taken me a couple of days to dissipate this.
    0:33:38 And I do think somewhat counter to the way I’m describing it.
    0:33:41 It doesn’t prevent me from saying something.
    0:33:47 It actually, if it’s too much, it’s almost like that’s when words start coming out and
    0:33:49 they’re not kind.
    0:33:55 So it’s not a real protector in the sense like it’s preventing me from a course of action
    0:33:57 I don’t want to take.
    0:34:00 It’s more like, it feels like it’s kind of extruding all this stuff.
    0:34:03 And obviously I’m responsible for my words and actions.
    0:34:08 I know that, but it does feel like it, it creates kind of a, it takes over.
    0:34:09 Yeah.
    0:34:10 That’s the way to put it.
    0:34:13 So let’s, let’s go through that again.
    0:34:23 So I’m so grateful that you’re willing to be this vulnerable and expose these parts.
    0:34:31 So this guy, actually they’re both probably what we call firefighters and very reactive.
    0:34:38 There’s maybe some other very vulnerable part that is involved here we haven’t heard about.
    0:34:44 But if I were to be continued, we continue to work together, I would work to get permission
    0:34:48 to go to the judgmental guy too.
    0:34:52 And what you would find is he’s a protector too.
    0:34:56 He’s not just a bunch of negative thoughts about people.
    0:35:04 And as I was hearing earlier, you spent a lot of time in your life trying to be fair
    0:35:08 to people and to not judge them and to see them.
    0:35:14 What they do is just their behaviors and not who they are, which is great.
    0:35:19 But in the process of doing that, sometimes we wind up having to push away the parts that
    0:35:24 want to judge and want to hate and so on.
    0:35:32 And what I find is if we can go there and get to know them, they’re just protectors
    0:35:43 too and they’re young and they are able to unload the hate they might carry and the judgment,
    0:35:45 they’ll transform.
    0:35:51 So this is a model of transformation in that sense and there are no bad parts.
    0:35:59 You go to everybody in there, regardless of how you think, how bad they are, and you get
    0:36:03 curious about them and you learn how they’re trying to protect.
    0:36:08 And then we help them out of their protective roles and help them trust.
    0:36:13 There’s a you who you talked about with Martha who can run things.
    0:36:19 They don’t have to do it because most of them are young and get them to trust this you to
    0:36:26 handle your family member rather than they have to take over or try to take over in the
    0:36:27 way they did.
    0:36:28 Does this make any sense?
    0:36:29 Yeah.
    0:36:30 It makes total sense.
    0:36:35 You know what you said at the beginning, permission to go to the judgmental part.
    0:36:47 I was just in my mind when I hear that flits to two possibilities, one’s a novel possibility,
    0:36:48 one’s a familiar possibility.
    0:36:56 The familiar possibility is if I were to really feel the disappointment that I’m feeling
    0:37:03 when this pattern in the other person shows up again, because at least it seems to, I’m
    0:37:11 very familiar with the pattern, then it would fundamentally change the way that I feel about
    0:37:12 them.
    0:37:13 That’s right.
    0:37:15 Like I’m trying to hold on to the goodness in that right.
    0:37:20 But of course, I want to be very clear, not just for anyone listening, but for myself
    0:37:30 too, that clearly the protecting role of this titanium teddy bear has created something
    0:37:37 where the times when things have broken through from my side, they’re not kind.
    0:37:45 And or they’re spoken in a way that just is not constructive.
    0:37:53 So yeah, and then the second possibility is that I hadn’t considered this possibility,
    0:38:02 but that the second possibility is that were I to let myself feel that disappointment, that
    0:38:03 maybe the relationship could persist.
    0:38:11 Like I’ve been looking at those things as mutually exclusive.
    0:38:20 And as I say all this, I also realized that, well, the honest disclaimer is like, I don’t
    0:38:24 want to give the impression that I don’t judge people, I’m human and I certainly do.
    0:38:29 I’m just saying that when there’s a relationship that I wish to maintain, I’ll go to great
    0:38:35 lengths to push aside knowledge of my own experience and/or just judgment.
    0:38:41 I’ve made this, I’ve engaged in this pattern in ways that work ended up being extremely
    0:38:47 destructive to me by completely like putting the blinders onto things that were right in
    0:38:48 front of me.
    0:38:49 And that’s what I’m talking about.
    0:38:50 Consciously.
    0:38:51 That’s what I’m talking about.
    0:38:56 Because I adored the person so much in other dimensions, like that, you know, and you know,
    0:39:00 it’s not a lack of a better word, a holistic way to approach things.
    0:39:07 But I also will say that in contrast to the old types of relationships, the relationships
    0:39:13 where the titanium tender is not required feel to me.
    0:39:19 So like by comparison, but also in the absolute scale, feel to me like the best possible relationships
    0:39:20 one could have.
    0:39:23 They’re like pinch me type of relationships, like friendships, some of my relationships
    0:39:28 to family, like my coworkers and there are others too.
    0:39:33 I had romantic relationships like that, relationships, my relationship to my dog as trivial as people
    0:39:39 might think that seems that the contrast of that, like where there’s no need for this
    0:39:48 protector part, it’s like the best thing because it feels completely safe and uninhibited.
    0:39:53 I never have to worry that I’m going to be taken over from the inside, nor do I ever
    0:39:57 worry that I’m going to like really screw up.
    0:40:03 And I hope that if I do screw up, they’ll tell me, but like it’s, it’s the complete absence
    0:40:04 of fear.
    0:40:11 So let me check it out and just see how this has been to discuss and focus and so on.
    0:40:17 What’s it been like to do this process?
    0:40:27 It’s a lot in the sense that I don’t like feeling that titanium thing teddy bear.
    0:40:28 It’s been very informative.
    0:40:31 So it’s balanced by that.
    0:40:38 And maybe that’s why I went into a little riff about the pleasant relationships and how
    0:40:40 outsized positive they are for me.
    0:40:48 They’re like a salve and an elixir for me that maybe I gave myself a little like wash
    0:40:51 over with that because it’s pretty uncomfortable.
    0:40:56 But it’s been, it’s really informative and it also tells me that the internal family
    0:41:00 systems work that I did with someone else was an attempt at this, but so very different,
    0:41:04 which makes sense because this is your art and science.
    0:41:05 So I’m grateful.
    0:41:06 Yeah, so.
    0:41:07 Yeah, it feels good.
    0:41:12 What I was saying earlier is if we were to pursue it, we could get to the point where
    0:41:20 the teddy bear guy could unload the feelings he carries that makes it so uncomfortable
    0:41:21 and he would transform.
    0:41:25 How would I, how would we go about doing that?
    0:41:27 He would focus on them again.
    0:41:31 We would explore more of what he’s protecting.
    0:41:35 Either we would go to the guy he’s trying to keep at bay that would ruin a relationship
    0:41:41 or often these parts are protecting something much more vulnerable from your past.
    0:41:47 Some young part that stuck somewhere in the past that has a big issue about being misunderstood
    0:41:50 in terms of motives or something.
    0:41:51 Yeah.
    0:41:59 And I’m not that I need clarity on this right now, but it’s more that it protects the possibility
    0:42:00 of a relationship at all.
    0:42:01 Yeah, I get that.
    0:42:06 I think the fear is like, if I were to look through my lens of truth at what’s happened
    0:42:11 or is happening in the moment, if I were a quote unquote better boundary person, it’d
    0:42:13 be done yesterday.
    0:42:17 But so it’s sort of like a desire to live out a fantasy.
    0:42:18 Got it.
    0:42:25 I mean, if I’m honest, so that would be the part that we would go to that it protects
    0:42:32 that has this fantasy of what a relationship should be or could be who might be stuck somewhere
    0:42:34 in the past.
    0:42:39 And we would, we would witness, you know, you talk to Martha about compassionate witness,
    0:42:44 we would witness where he stuck and what was happening back then.
    0:42:49 And then I would have you go in and get him out of that time period, then we’d have him
    0:42:58 unload the desire for that fantasy that keeps you getting hurt.
    0:43:02 And then I would have you have the teddy bear see it doesn’t have to protect him anymore.
    0:43:08 And then we would help the teddy bear unload the feelings he carries.
    0:43:13 And then he could relax and they would all start to trust you, which we should talk about
    0:43:14 a little bit now.
    0:43:17 Who was you who was separate from these others?
    0:43:21 And for the record, I never owned a teddy bear as a kid.
    0:43:22 I had a stuffed frog.
    0:43:23 I had a teddy bear.
    0:43:27 Well, I’m not embarrassed to, I had a stuffed frog that I love is afraid of the frog.
    0:43:33 And but so I don’t know where the teddy bear thing came up, but it was the shape is so
    0:43:34 very clear.
    0:43:41 But let me, let me just elaborate on what I was just saying, because when you separated
    0:43:47 from him and you found him here, and I asked you how you felt toward him, and you had an
    0:43:53 attitude about him at first, remember, we got that to relax and got curious about him.
    0:43:58 Then you started to access more of what I call yourself with a capital S.
    0:44:04 So it comes through curiosity comes, well, start often starts with curiosity.
    0:44:07 And just to backtrack a little bit.
    0:44:14 So when I would have these clients in the early days, starting to work with these parts,
    0:44:17 like the critic and so on.
    0:44:21 And I once I got hip to the fact they weren’t what they seem that they deserve to be listened
    0:44:23 to rather than fought with.
    0:44:29 So I would, I would help the parts that hated them step out and clients could do that pretty
    0:44:30 readily.
    0:44:36 So and then I was a now how do you feel toward this critic and spontaneously people would
    0:44:41 say I’m just curious about why it calls me names on there, or even would say I feel
    0:44:45 sorry for it that it has to do this, I’m going to help it.
    0:44:53 And when they were in that state, and I would ask what part of you is that that’s great,
    0:44:54 let’s keep that around.
    0:44:58 They’d say that’s not a part like these others, that’s me, that’s my essence, or that’s my
    0:44:59 self.
    0:45:05 So I came to call that the self of the capital S. 40 years later, thousands of people doing
    0:45:12 this all over the world, turns out that that self is in everybody.
    0:45:16 Just beneath the surface of these parts so that when they open space, you can access
    0:45:21 it quickly, and has all these great qualities, what I call the eight C’s.
    0:45:34 So curious, but also calm, confident, compassionate, courageous, clear, creative, and connected.
    0:45:39 And that person knows how to heal these parts.
    0:45:44 So once I get somebody in a lot of what we call self, I’ll just say, okay, what do you
    0:45:48 want to say to this part, and how does it react, and now what do you want to do with
    0:45:49 a part?
    0:45:51 I can kind of get out of the way.
    0:45:57 And one of the hallmarks of IFS as opposed to a lot of other therapies is that it’s not
    0:46:03 so much about me becoming that, you know, good attachment figure to these hurting parts
    0:46:07 of you, these inner children, you become that.
    0:46:13 You become the good attachment figure yourself, or the good inner parent, or the good internal
    0:46:20 leader for these parts, and they come to trust you as a leader, and then you get into it
    0:46:24 with your family member, and you just remind the part, no, I can handle this.
    0:46:27 Just let me, let me stay.
    0:46:34 And now when that happens with my wife, sometimes not on a good day, I can stay in the C word
    0:46:41 qualities and have a totally different conversation with her, than if that protector took over.
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    0:49:33 I’m struck by a couple of things that I think people will be, if I may, wise to think about.
    0:49:43 One is, in the classic psychodynamic or CBT model of therapy, it’s clear that the client
    0:49:49 or patient, sometimes it’s called a patient therapist relationship, is one where it takes
    0:49:55 on certain components that exist in the outside world with other people.
    0:50:04 It’s always slightly bothered me/concerned me that that’s the structure.
    0:50:13 As you said, in IFS, internal family systems, you become your own therapist, if you will,
    0:50:20 for lack of a better way to put it, I like that because there’s so much discussion nowadays
    0:50:26 about parenting yourself and this kind of thing and learning to mother yourself and
    0:50:27 father yourself.
    0:50:28 I actually think there’s great value in that.
    0:50:32 I learned by living alone how to cook for myself and clean for myself.
    0:50:38 These are, I’m mapping to stereotypes here, but also to protect myself and to organize
    0:50:44 myself and be very, very disciplined and actually running a laboratory was a great teaching
    0:50:49 there because you’re basically a single academic parent to all these people.
    0:50:56 You quickly realize where you lack maternal instincts and where you may lack or overemphasize
    0:50:57 or have hypertrophy.
    0:51:03 Maternal instincts, so that was a good forum to see my weaknesses and hopefully some strengths,
    0:51:04 too.
    0:51:11 I like this idea that one can play those roles for oneself.
    0:51:16 How is IFS typically done if somebody doesn’t have access to a therapist who’s expert in
    0:51:20 it or is that really the only proper gateway into it?
    0:51:21 No.
    0:51:28 Because I’m sitting here with the master, the founder, and I’m very grateful, by the
    0:51:30 way, for the work we just did.
    0:51:31 Thank you.
    0:51:32 It feels good.
    0:51:33 As a privilege.
    0:51:34 Thank you.
    0:51:35 Yes.
    0:51:42 But most people won’t have direct one-on-one access to you.
    0:51:47 It’s very experiential.
    0:51:51 I imagine in books and courses, people can learn how to do this, and by the way, this
    0:51:56 was not preconceived as a pitch for books and courses, but I’m wondering, can somebody
    0:51:59 do this on their own the very first time?
    0:52:00 Yeah.
    0:52:01 That’s what I want to know.
    0:52:09 So for a long time, I resisted trying to take this directly to the public because I learned
    0:52:14 the hard way that some systems, particularly people with huge amounts of trauma, are quite
    0:52:15 delicate.
    0:52:22 And if you start going to the part we talked about that’s vulnerable inside, that has this
    0:52:30 view of relationships, this kind of idealized view of relationships of yours, would be what
    0:52:40 I call an exile, that if we were to go to it, and we won’t today because it requires a
    0:52:46 lot of vulnerability, but if we were to, a lot of extreme protectors might come out,
    0:52:49 and then people start to get scared.
    0:52:58 So it took a long time to figure out how we might bring it to the public in a safer way.
    0:53:04 And so we just put out a workbook for people, and it doesn’t involve necessarily going to
    0:53:09 those places, but there’s a huge amount you can do just by working the way we started
    0:53:14 to with these protectors and getting to know them and know that they’re not you, they’re
    0:53:18 just a part trying their best, and know it’s not anything negative.
    0:53:25 That judgmental part you’ve got such an attitude about or fear of, if you were just to begin
    0:53:31 getting curious about it and getting to know it a bit, you’d find out that it’s very valuable
    0:53:37 part that has a lot of discernment, like you said, and wants desperately to keep you from
    0:53:44 getting in these relationships where you get hurt, and it’s so judgmental because you don’t
    0:53:45 listen to it.
    0:53:48 Do you follow what I’m saying?
    0:53:49 I do.
    0:53:53 In fact, something pops to mind, maybe I could just ask you about it.
    0:53:59 My mind’s right on what you’re saying, but something occurred to me as you said it, which
    0:54:06 is, if I were to, for instance, really feel the feeling of, hey, that’s really screwed
    0:54:12 up or actually feel the disappointment or judgment that this titanium teddy bear is
    0:54:20 trying to protect against, I realize it leads to a lot of role confusion and identity confusion.
    0:54:21 That’s right.
    0:54:26 It’s probably not the best thing to do on a podcast, but I’m going to do it anyway,
    0:54:29 which is, this is how I feel about modern politics.
    0:54:36 I see things on the left that make sense to me, and things that are to me just absolutely
    0:54:41 ludicrous, inappropriate, and offensive, and just badly wrong.
    0:54:47 I see things on the right that make a ton of sense to me, and also things that are inappropriate,
    0:54:48 offensive, and wrong.
    0:54:55 As a consequence, I’m trying to see the goodness in both sides and just create this Swiss cheese
    0:55:00 model of the world, talking about politics, because it’s just simpler to do, and people
    0:55:06 at least know what the groups we’re talking about, but then it leaves me in a place of
    0:55:11 no affiliation, and I’m then between one of two stances, one of just standing there being
    0:55:17 like, yeah, well, there’s no real position in the middle that is an official position
    0:55:24 in the middle, but it also makes me just want to put up the middle finger to both, and say
    0:55:29 I’m a double hater, but of course, I’m an adult and a citizen who cares about people
    0:55:36 in the country, and so I feel like to be an adult, I can’t opt out, but I feel unaffiliated.
    0:55:42 I feel like there’s no option for me, and this maps pretty well to, I think, the identity
    0:55:50 and role confusion that I feel when I place my, again, understanding the truth is a complicated
    0:55:56 thing, but my judgment on things and people is like, well, then what is my role as a son?
    0:55:59 What is my role as a partner?
    0:56:01 What is my role if this thing is true?
    0:56:07 And so it’s a way I’m realizing of protecting the simplicity of a role.
    0:56:11 And I did grow up in a home where the roles were like, you know, your son, you do certain
    0:56:18 things, like, you know, you do, you know, and so, but I also have a rebellious side
    0:56:19 to me.
    0:56:28 So the role confusion is something that I imagine a lot of people are familiar with.
    0:56:34 And when one, and I also believe that when you just really say, well, they did something
    0:56:40 bad, therefore, all bad, therefore, I’m part of the opposite team, that to me is an unlived
    0:56:41 life.
    0:56:43 So it’s like, it’s a, but I see a lot of people do it.
    0:56:48 And actually sometimes I’m envious of people that have that ability because they seem so,
    0:56:51 they’re seem so unconflicted.
    0:56:55 So it’s a tough thing to be a thinking, feeling person at the level of nuance.
    0:56:57 It kind of sucks sometimes.
    0:57:07 I’d rather do that than, than be a double hater or just cleanly opt in.
    0:57:08 Does that make sense?
    0:57:09 It probably makes sense.
    0:57:10 Okay.
    0:57:16 And what I’m hearing is that when you’re looking at a person or a political party or issue
    0:57:22 in the world, you hear from these conflicted parts, they each have perspective just like
    0:57:27 our country now, here’s from these conflicted parts.
    0:57:33 And but they’re, you don’t have a lot of access to what I’m calling self in those contexts.
    0:57:35 Because C, one of the C words is clarity.
    0:57:41 So again, as I was listening to you and Martha, you were talking about how there are times
    0:57:46 where you, you just have this sense in your body of what’s right or what’s true.
    0:57:54 That’s what I’m calling self, self has that clarity and self sees injustice and self,
    0:58:02 some of those C words are courage, confidence and clarity.
    0:58:09 So there’s a impulse also to act, to correct imbalance, to correct injustice too.
    0:58:13 So self isn’t a kind of passive witness as it is in a lot of spiritual traditions in
    0:58:15 IFS.
    0:58:19 It’s an act of interleader, it’s an act of external leader.
    0:58:25 And too often our actions are driven by these protective parts.
    0:58:29 And that’s true in our politics now too.
    0:58:38 So one of my goals is to try to bring more self leadership to the world, to these conflicts.
    0:58:44 But to do that, people have to unburden, they have to release these extreme beliefs and
    0:58:47 emotions they got from their traumas in the past.
    0:58:51 We have a concept we call legacy burdens.
    0:58:57 So many people have inherited these extreme beliefs and emotions that came down through
    0:59:05 their ancestors and drive their parts, drive their extremes.
    0:59:10 And many conflicts in the world are driven by these legacy burdens.
    0:59:13 And we’ve gotten good at helping people unload these things.
    0:59:15 And we’ve seen this in the Middle East recently.
    0:59:16 Totally.
    0:59:19 And we’re doing a lot of work in the Middle East.
    0:59:23 So we have training programs there.
    0:59:29 And one of my visions is to have large scale legacy unburdenings, where large groups of
    0:59:34 people come together and we help them unload the Holocaust legacy burdens on the one side
    0:59:40 and the 1941 legacy burdens on the Palestinian side.
    0:59:44 And have more self accessible to each side.
    0:59:51 And when we do couples therapy, we do other kinds of negotiated conflict.
    0:59:55 If people’s parts start getting into it, we’ll just say time out.
    0:59:59 You sort of did this on your own with your family member.
    1:00:03 Just say time out, want both of you to go inside, find the parts that have been doing
    1:00:04 the speaking.
    1:00:10 Don’t come back until you can speak for them, but not from them.
    1:00:14 And come back in these C word qualities and that state of self.
    1:00:20 If we can hold people in that, it’s really easy to get out of the conflict.
    1:00:27 If their protectors are going at it all the time, conflicts never change.
    1:00:39 Do you think that people who have the reflex or the ability to kind of somaticize a bit?
    1:00:44 I don’t think of myself as somebody who’s psychosomatic, I don’t have stomach aches
    1:00:49 and headaches and stuff unless I’ve caught a virus, but I can feel where certain things
    1:00:54 are in my body pretty quickly and always have.
    1:01:04 Do you think that IFS lends itself better to people who feel things somatically versus
    1:01:07 people that are really cognitive and in their head?
    1:01:10 Because I have that component too, I can actually feel the switch.
    1:01:14 Like I do it through, I’ll go into like a narrative and then I start to see the structure
    1:01:19 like up here and… Yeah, that happens several times when we’re
    1:01:21 working together.
    1:01:26 Like I would have you stay with something and then the narrator part would kick in and
    1:01:30 then I would try to refocus you.
    1:01:36 But I lived in Boston for 10 years, so I worked with lots of cognitive people who didn’t know
    1:01:43 their bodies who just were in that rat race to try and get tenure and so on.
    1:01:44 In there.
    1:01:45 Yes, me too.
    1:01:46 Yeah.
    1:01:52 Ten years nice, but one should tend to their emotional cells while they’re pursuing it.
    1:01:57 But just to answer your question, they can do it, but we first have to start with that
    1:02:04 thinking part and get it on board and get it to step out and just to stay out long enough
    1:02:06 that they can feel their bodies.
    1:02:14 So yeah, it lends itself to anybody, but with people like that, it takes a while for that
    1:02:20 thinking part to trust that it’s safe to let them into their bodies.
    1:02:25 So we were to just step back for a moment and do sort of a top contour summary of the
    1:02:30 process.
    1:02:37 Someone brings forward a memory, a recent or distant memory of some thing that made them
    1:02:44 feel not good and you try and localize some sensation in the body, get a sense of its
    1:02:45 location.
    1:02:46 Let me pause there.
    1:02:47 I’ll tell you why.
    1:02:48 Yeah.
    1:02:52 Because if they find it in their body and they direct the question there and they wait for
    1:02:56 the answer to come from there, they’re less likely to be in their head.
    1:03:02 So it’s sort of a short circuits that thinking part and so many people come to therapy and
    1:03:05 that thinking part thinks it’s supposed to do the therapy.
    1:03:13 It’s CBT or whatever, even a lot of the more, not experiential, but a lot of the more psychodynamic
    1:03:19 therapies, the thinking part is really trying to explain why they feel stuff.
    1:03:26 So this is getting them out of that and getting them to actually listen inside into what they
    1:03:31 think is their body, but it’s really these parts that live down there that they haven’t
    1:03:35 had access to because the thinking part is running things so much.
    1:03:36 Got it.
    1:03:42 And then one places some attention from the stance of curiosity, they were like, “What’s
    1:03:43 there?
    1:03:44 What’s it trying to say?”
    1:03:45 Exactly.
    1:03:51 And then you start to reveal the underlying layers of what’s it protecting, what are those
    1:03:53 things that are protective trying to say?
    1:03:54 Yeah.
    1:03:58 It’s not even you’re trying to reveal, it’s just that you’re asking these questions and
    1:03:59 the answers start coming.
    1:04:00 I see.
    1:04:04 Oh, I love this because I’m a big believer in seeding the unconscious mind and then letting
    1:04:14 things surface either in sleep or in meditative states or has internal family systems been
    1:04:20 combined with some of the therapies that are now getting tested still in clinical trial
    1:04:24 stage around psychedelics?
    1:04:25 Yeah.
    1:04:32 In fact, two days ago, we just completed an IFS and ketamine retreat.
    1:04:33 Oh, wow.
    1:04:35 So we had, and we’re doing it more and more.
    1:04:39 Like I said, I’m trying to bring this more out of the psychotherapy world.
    1:04:47 So we invited 32 leaders to come of various kinds and had three days where they do ketamine
    1:04:49 and then do IFS.
    1:04:55 The nice thing about psychedelics is it puts those manager parts to sleep somehow a lot
    1:04:56 of the time.
    1:04:57 Yeah.
    1:05:00 I’ve been open about the fact and I always have to provide the disclaimer.
    1:05:02 I don’t just say this to protect me.
    1:05:09 I say this to protect listeners that I do think young people should avoid psychedelics.
    1:05:12 Their brain is already in a psychedelic state.
    1:05:16 The amount of plasticity, and this is really tremendous.
    1:05:21 And this is coming from somebody who regrets it, but I did psychedelics recreationally
    1:05:22 as a kid.
    1:05:23 Me too.
    1:05:24 And I regret it.
    1:05:31 I returned to them later in a clinical setting and derived a lot of benefit, I think, from
    1:05:32 them.
    1:05:35 Namely, high-dose psilocybin and MDMA.
    1:05:39 But both of those are still very much illegal.
    1:05:43 You can get into a lot of trouble for taking them and/or certainly for selling them.
    1:05:46 So that’s the cautionary note there.
    1:05:50 And the clinical trials are really impressive, in my opinion, spectacularly impressive, especially
    1:05:54 for MDMA and for the treatment of PTSD.
    1:06:01 But the FDA this last year did not approve MDMA as a treatment for PTSD.
    1:06:06 I think going forward in the new administration, it’s likely that it will get approved, but
    1:06:07 who knows?
    1:06:08 Who knows?
    1:06:14 So anyway, that’s a bunch of pseudo legalese jargon, but it’s sincere.
    1:06:20 If I were an 18 or 19-year-old person or 30-year-old person listening to a conversation about psychedelics
    1:06:25 and how they can be helpful, I would want to also know that there are instances where
    1:06:30 people take them and they don’t have the appropriate guidance in and through it and out of it.
    1:06:31 And it leads to serious problems.
    1:06:36 So this is a real thing that we’re talking about.
    1:06:41 That’s why these caramene clinics where they just hand them the drugs and medicine and just
    1:06:44 leave them on their own are scary to me.
    1:06:51 I’m proud to say that IFS has been adopted as one of the primary models for psychedelics
    1:06:52 now.
    1:06:53 Great.
    1:06:54 Because it’s a really nice fit.
    1:07:00 As I was saying earlier that what I see happening often, not always, is these manager parts
    1:07:05 go offline and that releases a lot of self.
    1:07:12 So you start to just feel those C-word qualities emerging.
    1:07:18 And that’s a big invitation to all these exiled parts to come and get attention.
    1:07:24 And so as people come out of the caramene experience, I can work with them for 15 minutes
    1:07:30 and do something that would take maybe five sessions because they can get access to parts
    1:07:35 that they couldn’t get or it would take a long time to convince their protectors to
    1:07:42 let us go to and we can unburden those exiles and then bring back their protectors.
    1:07:48 So I love it and caramene is the legal one, so that’s why we do it.
    1:07:53 And the other nice thing, and I don’t know as a scientist how much you would go with
    1:08:03 this, but caramene, again, because it opens the door with these protectors, you can also
    1:08:06 taste what I call the big self.
    1:08:13 You taste this what they call non-dual state that can be quite blissful and some people
    1:08:22 go God and then as you come back, you have this sense of I’m much more than this little
    1:08:27 body and this little ego that there is something much bigger and that’s why they’re using
    1:08:35 it with end of life and why it did and psilocybin has such a big impact on depression and because
    1:08:41 it sort of lifts you out of this little box your protectors have you in to know that there’s
    1:08:42 something much more.
    1:08:49 Interesting, I’ve never tried caramene a few years ago and I’ve talked about this publicly
    1:08:50 as well.
    1:08:59 I started developing a pretty deep relationship to spirituality and God and mostly through
    1:09:05 the path of giving up control.
    1:09:11 Breaking news folks, you can’t control everything and you can control certain things, but most
    1:09:14 things no.
    1:09:21 The way you describe caramene is very interesting because as a dissociative anesthetic it works
    1:09:28 in such a fundamentally different way than say MDMA which is an empathogen which makes
    1:09:35 people feel so much more, I mean I sort of have half joke that the aside from the safety
    1:09:43 legality stuff that the concern I have about MDMA is that if one is not in the eye mask,
    1:09:48 if you don’t have somebody guiding you through it and taking some notes, if you listen to
    1:09:54 a piece of jazz or classical music or your favorite rock and roll album or you’re there
    1:09:59 with your dog or cat or plants, I mean you can spend the entire four hours bonding with
    1:10:00 the plant.
    1:10:05 You’re not going to run off and get married to a plant, you’re not going to try and fornicate
    1:10:18 with a plant, but it’s a very precious but very labile situation because it’s such a
    1:10:24 strong empathogen that whatever you direct your attention to, internal or external, is
    1:10:31 going to hypertrophy, so you just have to be really careful.
    1:10:36 And given that the neurotoxicity issues seem worked out in that if it’s actually MDMA and
    1:10:42 isn’t other things, by the way the big study that showed neurotoxicity of MDMA in non-human
    1:10:47 primates turned out they were injecting methamphetamine, yeah that paper was retracted, it was published
    1:10:50 in Science, we’ll provide a link to the paper and the retraction.
    1:10:57 The retraction was not as publicized, methylene dioxide, methamphetamine, MDMA has not been
    1:11:03 shown to be neurotoxic provided that’s what people are taking and not taking some combination
    1:11:04 of other things.
    1:11:11 Yeah, it’s a real tragedy the way that retractions don’t get nearly the kind of popular press
    1:11:16 coverage that initial studies do, regardless of whether or not the initial study was positive
    1:11:18 or negative.
    1:11:23 In any case, I do believe there are other routes to calming down the forebrain in the
    1:11:27 context of doing this kind of work that I just like your thoughts on.
    1:11:33 When I first wake up in the morning, I’m in kind of a liminal state, but the thing that
    1:11:40 I don’t want to think about comes to my brain, I can’t avoid it, it’s just like the protectors
    1:11:44 are not available, they’re still asleep, so that seems valuable.
    1:11:47 I’ve tried recently to keep my eyes closed, sometimes I’ll get up and use the bathroom,
    1:11:57 but keep my eyes closed, stay in that still state and explore the contours of that thing.
    1:12:02 Provided it’s done safely and not anywhere near water, cyclic hyperventilation breathwork
    1:12:12 done for a few minutes or cycles, we think can change the brain activities of the forebrain
    1:12:14 kind of comes off of line a bit.
    1:12:18 All these things, just put managers to sleep.
    1:12:19 Put managers to sleep.
    1:12:23 Like when you go to sleep, your managers go to sleep and then you have these weird dreams
    1:12:28 and that’s because your exiles have access to your mind now and they’re trying to give
    1:12:31 you signals about what they want.
    1:12:38 The other thing I’ll say about psychedelics and the breathing too is that as your managers
    1:12:47 go to sleep and your exiles start coming in, it can seem really terrifying because these
    1:12:53 parts are stuck in horrible places often with a lot of terror and so what’s called bad
    1:12:56 trips is them trying to get attention.
    1:13:00 So they’ll come in and they’ll totally take over and you look like you’re having a panic
    1:13:01 attack.
    1:13:07 But what we’ve learned and this happened a few times last week is instead of thinking
    1:13:16 of it as a panic attack or a bad trip to welcome it, here’s a part that needs a lot of attention.
    1:13:19 It’s taken over entirely.
    1:13:25 But if I were to say, “Okay, Andrew, I see you’re really scared, but how do you feel
    1:13:28 toward this really scared part that’s here now?”
    1:13:32 And I could get you to say, “Well, I feel sorry for it.”
    1:13:36 Then I would have you start to get to know it and work with it and comfort it rather
    1:13:38 than have a panic attack.
    1:13:48 You would access calm and those sea words and then it becomes a hugely useful healing
    1:13:53 of something that’s in you that’s stuck in a terrified place.
    1:13:58 I’d like to take a quick break and acknowledge one of our sponsors, Function.
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    1:15:03 To blood testing is vitally important.
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    1:15:47 What is so striking to me is that, and Martha taught me this practice of when we think about
    1:15:55 the things that create shame for ourselves, if we’re able to go up and really look at
    1:16:00 those and own them, not from the perspective of, I’m proud of them, but own them as in
    1:16:11 us and not of us, that it’s incredibly freeing, and indeed, it is so freeing.
    1:16:20 If there were a secret to life, it would at least include that because-
    1:16:30 Let me rip up about Christianity, just as an example, I’ve done workshops where I have
    1:16:37 people work with their racism, you’re speaking of something very shameful, and a lot of people
    1:16:43 say, “I’m not a racist, I don’t have any racism,” but if I really convince them to
    1:16:48 look inside and check, they’ll find there’s a little part of there that does spout racist
    1:16:55 things when they meet somebody of a different skin color, has these white supremacy beliefs,
    1:16:57 and they’re really ashamed of it.
    1:17:02 If I were to have you focus on that racist voice in there, you would have to get a lot
    1:17:06 of the parts that are ashamed of it to step out, and then I would have you get curious
    1:17:14 about it rather than ashamed of it, and ask it about where it picked up these beliefs.
    1:17:21 It could tell you, and then I would ask, “Do you like having to carry this racist stuff?”
    1:17:27 Usually they’ll say, “No, if it’s ready to unload it, we can just unload it.”
    1:17:34 So one of the key things to know is these parts are not the burdens they carry.
    1:17:35 They’re all good.
    1:17:43 The little guy who’s got the racist rant is a part that got stuck with these beliefs,
    1:17:49 and when he releases those beliefs, he transforms into being a good, and the mistake our culture
    1:17:58 makes, the mistake that most psychotherapies make is to assume that he is that racist rant
    1:18:05 and to try to exile him, but it’s a different way of understanding even very seemingly evil
    1:18:12 people that they’re dominated by these protectors, and they’re so afraid of their exiles, and
    1:18:17 they relate inside in the same way they relate outside.
    1:18:21 So if they hate parts themselves, they’ll hate people who resemble those parts of them.
    1:18:25 They’ll try to dominate those people.
    1:18:26 Do you follow what I’m saying?
    1:18:32 Yeah, and I’d like to really go into this a bit because we hear all the time that when
    1:18:39 we’re upset about something, it’s something in ourselves that we’re really upset about.
    1:18:43 But for me, that isn’t always true, but that’s sometimes true.
    1:18:51 So if I’m upset about the intolerance of good ideas from people in opposite groups of each
    1:19:01 other’s good ideas, this logic would say that I’m really just disapproving of that aspect
    1:19:05 of myself that is like black and white judgmental.
    1:19:08 Which we already established.
    1:19:09 Got me.
    1:19:13 You’re the therapist, so right.
    1:19:16 So is this always true?
    1:19:17 Not always.
    1:19:18 Okay.
    1:19:20 But a lot of the time.
    1:19:26 So if you can come to have compassion for that judgmental part of you and not being battled
    1:19:32 with it and actually see it as desperately trying to help you, being more discerning,
    1:19:34 and help it unburden and get out of this role that it’s in.
    1:19:37 Because in the role that it’s in, it can be destructive.
    1:19:43 We’re not trying to minimize that or say, when I say all parts, there are no bad parts.
    1:19:48 There are no bad parts, but they can get into very destructive roles and they can carry
    1:19:54 these burdens from the past that can drive them to be harmful.
    1:20:00 But part of my work is to help all that change.
    1:20:06 So if you were to start a new relationship with that judgmental part of you, then you
    1:20:12 would see past the judgmental parts of other people and you could see the exiles that drive
    1:20:17 those protectors and you would have compassion for them.
    1:20:23 It wouldn’t mean you wouldn’t stop them or stand up to them, but you would do it with
    1:20:29 compassion rather than from these hateful protectors.
    1:20:37 I think it’s important that people hear that, namely, that if we get in touch with these
    1:20:45 parts of ourselves that are protectors, that it makes us less vulnerable, not more vulnerable,
    1:20:54 both to “attack,” but that also, I guess, put simply that in understanding of ourselves
    1:20:58 and compassion for ourselves, one develops understanding and compassion for others, but
    1:21:05 that doesn’t mean that you’re opening yourself up for harm and the opposite is actually true.
    1:21:11 The opposite is actually true because these protectors will generate often what they fear.
    1:21:18 So by being so protective, they’ll create protectors in the other that will attack,
    1:21:26 whereas if they could stay in self, self can be very protective with those C-word qualities,
    1:21:30 very forceful, sometimes fierce.
    1:21:40 This idea, I’m definitely following that we will sometimes create in others what we fear
    1:21:44 because it allows us to engage in this unhealthy dynamic.
    1:21:47 It seems so counterintuitive, right?
    1:21:52 Maybe we take a kind of classic set of examples that I think are pretty common, a person who’s
    1:22:00 codependent, with somebody who’s a substance abuse addict, or somebody who’s very timid
    1:22:04 and always wants to pacify, and somebody who’s very dominant.
    1:22:10 When I zoom out from the second case, it actually makes me chuckle how crazy that is because
    1:22:18 if you think about it, a person who is very dominant doesn’t need somebody very timid
    1:22:20 in order to feel dominant, right?
    1:22:25 They could probably feel whatever power it is they need to feel with somebody who is
    1:22:27 less timid, and maybe the relationship would be healthier.
    1:22:32 But that’s not how people tend to other select, it’s kind of interesting.
    1:22:35 So it raises perhaps a bigger question.
    1:22:41 Why do people select people that are fundamentally bad for them?
    1:22:48 Okay, so I did a book called You’re the One You’ve Been Waiting For, and in it, I talked
    1:22:51 about this whole issue.
    1:23:00 So for a lot of people, you get hurt by your parent, and there are parts that want to protect
    1:23:05 you from your parent, but there are other parts who are desperate, who took on the worthlessness
    1:23:09 from being rejected by your parent, and are desperate for redemption.
    1:23:12 Do you follow this?
    1:23:21 And so as you leave and you’re looking for a partner, that part from a subconscious place
    1:23:27 can influence your decision to find somebody who resembles that parent in their effort
    1:23:29 to be redeemed again.
    1:23:36 Is this anything like the sort of repetition compulsion that we tend to repeat a pattern
    1:23:42 over and over again as an attempt to resolve, not just a manifestation of dysfunction?
    1:23:45 That’s a version of what I’m talking about.
    1:23:50 And so you find somebody who does resemble that person, that parent, and unfortunately
    1:23:55 they do resemble that parent, and so they’ll hurt you in the same way.
    1:23:58 And then your protectors go into one of four modes.
    1:24:04 They’ll say, “I’ve got to change that person back into who they’re supposed to be, so
    1:24:11 they’ll try to change the person’s behavior,” or they’ll say, “I’ve got to change myself,
    1:24:17 so they’ll be who they’re supposed to be,” or they’ll say, “Oh, this wasn’t the Redeemer
    1:24:22 after all, and they’ll go looking for the real Redeemer who’s still out there.”
    1:24:24 And it’s always inside.
    1:24:28 And yeah, that’s what I try to do, is to help them see that that Redeemer is inside of them
    1:24:32 itself.
    1:24:37 If we can go to that exile who’s got this thing for this parent-like person and help
    1:24:46 it connect to self and help it unburden, that whole repetition compulsion disappears because
    1:24:50 now they can take care of themselves.
    1:24:51 They trust self to do it.
    1:24:56 They don’t need that from some other person like that.
    1:25:01 And so when we’re working with couples and you always find some version of that in couples,
    1:25:07 if we can get each of them to become their own good attachment figure, good caretaker
    1:25:16 inside, that frees up the partner because when this exile is leading the relationship,
    1:25:22 your partner feels a lot of sort of demands or feels a lot like your partner has to take
    1:25:26 care of that young part of you and can’t, can’t fully do it.
    1:25:33 So there’s always this sense of a burden, you know what I’m saying?
    1:25:34 Yeah.
    1:25:39 It’s so interesting how romantic relationships are where these patterns get repeated.
    1:25:45 And at the same time, numerous examples in my life of healthy relationships.
    1:25:50 Is that usually the case because people have done the work before or because they had a
    1:25:53 minimum of trauma in their upbringing?
    1:25:54 Yeah.
    1:25:55 Yeah.
    1:26:03 What percentage of kids, adults as well, do you think had a minimum of trauma are just
    1:26:07 because of the way they’re wired and the way the stuff is organized within them that they
    1:26:12 naturally attach to a good partner and are pretty healthy?
    1:26:15 Is it like 25%, 30%?
    1:26:19 I really can’t say because my sample is very skewed.
    1:26:25 I’m working with psychotherapy patients who always have a lot of trauma.
    1:26:29 So I really can’t say, I mean, I’m very biased.
    1:26:37 Well, half of the marriages in this country and in divorce and presumably of the ones
    1:26:49 that don’t, I’m guessing somewhere between a half and a quarter of those people are really
    1:26:50 unhappy.
    1:26:54 Sounds so pessimistic, but if you just look at the numbers and I’m an optimist, I already
    1:26:58 acknowledge that I don’t like to think about bad stuff.
    1:27:07 Yeah, I’m guessing that a lot of people repeat these patterns, but it seemed as if maybe
    1:27:13 20, 30 years ago because these ideas weren’t discussed really.
    1:27:22 So many fewer people were in any kind of analysis or personal exploration work that
    1:27:28 as a society we defaulted to just sort of role execution.
    1:27:33 You’re a father and a husband, so you do certain things and you don’t do certain things.
    1:27:37 You’re a wife and a mother, so you do certain things and you don’t do certain and so on.
    1:27:45 And I think nowadays there’s a lot of discussion about is there a resurgence of organized religion
    1:27:49 because we’ve drifted so far from these kind of core structures.
    1:27:52 I mean, love your thoughts on that.
    1:27:57 And also what you think doing this kind of internal work on oneself without requiring
    1:28:02 any input or participation from another, what the value of that is.
    1:28:07 It sounds like there’s tremendous value to just doing this work for oneself.
    1:28:09 Maybe with someone trained in IFS.
    1:28:15 Yeah, I mean, like I was saying, there’s a lot you can do with working with your protectors
    1:28:19 and helping them get to know self.
    1:28:27 Like we didn’t do it, but had you asked that titanium teddy bear how old it thought you
    1:28:34 were and just really waited for the answer, most people will get a single digit.
    1:28:40 It still thinks you’re very young and it still thinks it has to protect you the way it did
    1:28:42 when you were very young.
    1:28:49 And just even updating it creates a huge amount of relief with these protectors.
    1:28:53 So there’s a lot that can be done just by working with protectors, introducing them
    1:28:58 to self, helping them see they don’t have to keep doing us all the time.
    1:29:03 Some protectors, it’s very hard for them to totally drop their weapons until what they
    1:29:06 protect has been healed.
    1:29:09 So that’s where the therapist comes in.
    1:29:17 So there are coaches doing this work, for example, and they’ll work with some executive
    1:29:24 and they’ll do great and then they’ll get to an exile and then they’ll have the person
    1:29:31 see an IFS therapist for a couple of sessions to heal the exile and then come back because
    1:29:34 coaches aren’t trained as therapists.
    1:29:45 So yeah, there’s still need for therapists, but yeah, but you can do a lot on your own.
    1:29:51 I’m struck by how experiential it is as opposed to just conceptual, I mean obviously the concepts
    1:29:58 are important, but I think internal family systems who was described for me previously
    1:30:02 kind of mapped out for me on paper, I got a sense of it actually with some objects placed
    1:30:12 out and it was helpful, but I think just having done a little bit of it today, the only by
    1:30:17 actually feeling the sensations in the body associated with it does actually really make
    1:30:18 sense to me.
    1:30:21 I mean, it made sense cognitively, but that’s so very different.
    1:30:22 It’s very removed.
    1:30:24 Yeah, it’s like me telling people, you know, get out and get sunlight in your eyes in the
    1:30:27 morning and set your circadian rhythm, like you can know that, you can know the underlying
    1:30:33 mechanisms, the neurons, the pathways, the hormones, et cetera, but at some level until
    1:30:38 you experience what that’s like for two or three days in a row, you might as well be
    1:30:44 reading about, I don’t know, titanium teddy bears, you know, yeah.
    1:30:49 Exactly, and that’s why I’m so grateful to you that you were willing to try it and because
    1:30:54 it’s true as I describe it to people, they don’t really get it until they actually feel
    1:31:00 it, experience it, and it is very different from many other therapies which are much more
    1:31:07 cognitively based because we’re trying to bypass that and actually get to this raw stuff
    1:31:08 in here.
    1:31:13 In order to be deliberately repetitive, I wonder if it would be useful to the listeners
    1:31:20 to, would it be possible to just pose the questions to them as an exercise that they
    1:31:22 could do in real time?
    1:31:23 Totally, yeah.
    1:31:24 Thank you so much.
    1:31:29 I think that would be tremendously valuable, so I’m going to have to erase myself here.
    1:31:36 For once, I’m going to be quiet for a little while, folks, and you are the lucky patient
    1:31:43 that gets to talk to Dr. Schwartz here, and he’s going to pose a series of questions and
    1:31:48 we’ll allow some moments of break or silence for you to be able to tap into the answers
    1:31:50 to these in real time.
    1:31:55 That way, you don’t have to create a parallel construction of what we did earlier.
    1:32:04 Yeah, and let me lead by saying, please don’t do this if you have fear about doing it, but
    1:32:15 if you’re interested in some inner exploration, then I’ll lead you through some of the steps.
    1:32:21 As you’ve been listening to our conversation, I’m speaking to listeners, you may be thinking
    1:32:28 about some of your own parts, particularly your own protectors, and if you can’t think
    1:32:33 of any, most people have a kind of critic inside or part that makes them work too hard
    1:32:43 or a part that takes care of too many people, so I’m going to invite you to pick a protective
    1:32:50 part to try to get to know for a few minutes.
    1:33:00 Just notice that inner voice or that emotion, that thought pattern, that sensation, just
    1:33:10 focus on it exclusively for a second, and as you do that, notice where it seems to be located
    1:33:17 in your body or around your body, and just take a second with that.
    1:33:23 Some people don’t find a location, some people think still sense it, but it’s not clear where
    1:33:31 it seems to be located, but if you do find it in or around your body, then just focus
    1:33:52 on it there, and as you focus on it, notice how you feel toward it, and by that I mean,
    1:34:04 do you dislike it and want to get rid of it? Are you afraid of it? Do you resent how it
    1:34:21 dominates? Do you depend on it? So you have a relationship with this part of you. And
    1:34:28 if you feel anything except a current of openness or curiosity or willingness to get to know
    1:34:37 it, then that’s coming from other parts that have been trying to deal with it. And we’re
    1:34:46 just going to ask those other parts of you to relax back for just a few minutes so you
    1:34:52 can get to know it. We’re not going to have it take over more, we’re just going to get
    1:35:00 to know it better. So see if they’re willing to let you open your mind to it, and if they’re
    1:35:08 not, then we’re not going to pursue this, and you can just get to know their fear about
    1:35:18 letting you get to know this target part. But if you do get to that point of just being
    1:35:27 curious about it, without an agenda, then ask it what it wants you to know about itself,
    1:35:34 just a kind of nice open-ended question. And don’t think of the answer, just wait and
    1:35:41 see what comes from that place in your body. And don’t judge what comes, just whatever
    1:35:52 comes will go with it. What does it want you to know about itself? And what’s it afraid
    1:36:07 would happen if it didn’t do this inside of you? And if you got an answer to that question
    1:36:14 about the fear, then it was telling you something about how it’s been trying to protect you.
    1:36:25 And if that’s true, then extend some appreciation to it for at least trying to keep you safe,
    1:36:31 even if it backfires or it doesn’t work. Let it know you appreciate that it’s trying to
    1:36:47 protect you, and see how it reacts to your appreciation. And then ask if you could go
    1:36:57 to what it protects and heal or change that so it didn’t need to protect you so much.
    1:37:03 What might it like to do instead inside of you if it was released from this role? I’ll
    1:37:12 repeat that. If you could go to what it protects and heal or change that so it was liberated
    1:37:30 from this protective role, what might it like to do instead inside of you? And then ask
    1:37:38 it this kind of odd question, how old does this part think you are? Not how old is it,
    1:37:49 but how old does it think you are? And again, don’t think, just wait and see what comes.
    1:38:18 And if it got your age wrong, then go ahead and update it and see how it reacts.
    1:38:33 And the last question for this part is, what does it need from you going forward? What
    1:38:56 does it need from you? And again, just wait for the answer. And when the time feels right,
    1:39:02 thank your parts for whatever they let you do in this. And then begin to shift your focus
    1:39:14 back outside and maybe take some deep breaths as you do that.
    1:39:20 Thank you for that. That was awesome. I also was able to get some, I think, good work done
    1:39:21 in that.
    1:39:22 Is that true?
    1:39:33 Totally different location, totally different set of dynamics. Even though what you just
    1:39:39 took us through is very experiential, what, if any, value do you think there is to writing
    1:39:41 down sort of key takeaways?
    1:39:52 Yeah, so it’s great to do the work session or this exercise, but ideally it’s the beginning
    1:39:59 of a new relationship with this part. And that takes work on your own. So what I advise
    1:40:06 people is as you get that ball rolling in that good direction, it’ll reverse if you
    1:40:13 don’t stay with it for a while. So every day, like you were saying, you wake up rather than
    1:40:18 what am I going to do today or what problems do I have in my life? How’s that part of me
    1:40:23 doing that I’ve been starting to work with? What does it need from me today? What does
    1:40:32 it want me to know? Is it still feeling better? Do I still have compassion for it or appreciation
    1:40:40 for it? So this, like I said earlier, this kind of becomes a life practice. So I do that
    1:40:41 every morning.
    1:40:42 Every morning?
    1:40:43 Not every, not every, not a…
    1:40:50 Well, you’re very familiar with these parts. And to clarify for people, when Dr. Schwartz
    1:40:56 is saying parts, he’s saying these, these part, these personalities within us, not necessarily
    1:41:00 the body part where it manifests, but maybe that, but that provides a physical anchor
    1:41:01 to look to.
    1:41:09 Exactly right. So, so yeah, I’ll, I’ll check in. Not with all my parts, because I’ve met
    1:41:15 many, many, but the ones I’ve been working with just to see how they’re doing. And as
    1:41:21 I go through the day, I’ll notice, am I in those C-word qualities? Is my heart open?
    1:41:31 Is my mind curious? Do I have a big agenda? Anything, any departures from that is some
    1:41:36 protector usually. And I’ll just have a little eternal board meeting and say, I get, you
    1:41:42 feel like, like in preparing to come and be on this podcast, I had to work with the parts
    1:41:50 of a nervous and, you know, I have, my father was a big scientist, a big endocrinology researcher.
    1:41:51 Oh, cool.
    1:41:52 Yeah.
    1:41:53 Great field.
    1:42:02 My brother is a big shot endocrinology researcher. So I have some, some issues put that way.
    1:42:04 I hope I didn’t reinforce the negative ones.
    1:42:11 Well, I was, that was my part’s worries coming in. And so I, I worked on it and, and said,
    1:42:15 okay, just, but just, I get it. I get you’re scared. I could feel them in my hands when
    1:42:17 I was taking a drink earlier.
    1:42:18 Interesting.
    1:42:23 But I just kept, okay, I get that. I get you’re scared, but just trust me. Just step
    1:42:29 back, just relax. And then I, I feel this shift, a literal shift.
    1:42:35 And then I feel those seawards flooding. And then we have a much different kind of conversation.
    1:42:42 So it’s, it’s a life practice in that sense of that. Thanks for sharing that. I didn’t
    1:42:51 detect any anxiety whatsoever. Neither pre recording nor during this, this, this discussion.
    1:42:58 If you don’t mind, could you describe, or maybe even just list off some of the other
    1:43:04 labels of parts that people might encounter, if they do this kind of work. So you describe
    1:43:10 them as protectors that manage, and then the exiles, which are the parts of us that the
    1:43:12 protectors and managers are protecting.
    1:43:13 Yeah.
    1:43:15 Correct. Okay. Those are two different things, right?
    1:43:24 Yes. So the big distinction is between parts that by dint of simply being hurt or terrified
    1:43:31 or made to feel ashamed and worthless. And usually those are our most sensitive parts.
    1:43:38 They’re the young inner children. They get stuck with those burdens of worthlessness,
    1:43:43 terror and emotional pain. And then we don’t want anything to do with them because they
    1:43:48 can overwhelm us. And so we lock them away and everybody tells us to do that. So those
    1:43:55 are the exiles. And when you have a lot of exiles, you have to, these other parts are
    1:44:01 forced to become protectors. So there are two classes of protectors. One are the managers
    1:44:10 we’ve been talking about, and the other are the firefighters. So, you know, we mentioned
    1:44:17 a number of manager common roles, but there’s just lots and lots of them. Firefighter common
    1:44:31 roles include, you know, addictions, excuse me, dissociating, the kind of judgmental,
    1:44:43 rageful parts. I could go on, but anything that is reactive, impulsive, and is designed
    1:44:53 to protect those vulnerable parts, but in an impulsive way, as opposed to the managers
    1:45:01 who are all about control and pleasing. These firefighters are all about, if I don’t get
    1:45:07 you away from these feelings right now, you’re going to die. A lot of them believe that.
    1:45:17 And some of them, it’s true. So there’s often a kind of hierarchy of firefighter activities.
    1:45:21 The first one doesn’t work. You go to the next one, if that doesn’t work, the top of
    1:45:31 the hierarchy for most people is suicide. If things get painful enough, there’s this
    1:45:38 exit strategy. It’s actually very comforting to lots of people, and here we come along
    1:45:43 and get really scared of these suicidal parts. So this is, again, it’s one of the hallmarks
    1:45:48 of the difference of IFS. If you were to say you’ve got a suicidal part, say, let’s go
    1:45:54 get to know it. I would have you find it and, you know, all those steps, and I would have
    1:45:58 you, what are you afraid would happen if you didn’t kill Andrew? What do you think the
    1:46:03 answer to that is most of the time? That it would just feel like too much to bear?
    1:46:04 Yeah.
    1:46:06 Again, this couldn’t take it anymore.
    1:46:07 Exactly.
    1:46:11 Which, of course, is a crazy statement, because it’s not like my brain would explode.
    1:46:12 These parts believe it.
    1:46:15 Yeah. They’re not grounded in logic.
    1:46:23 So my response to that part is, if we could unload the pain that you’re so afraid would
    1:46:27 overwhelm, would you have to kill them?
    1:46:28 No.
    1:46:30 And would you let us do that?
    1:46:37 Well, fortunately, I don’t feel suicidal, but the answer would be yes.
    1:46:43 Okay. So because we can prove to you that we can unload that pain, and if we could do
    1:46:50 that, what would you like to do instead of being the suicidal part?
    1:46:55 I mean, I have to imagine that if somebody, forgive me for going into my head about this,
    1:46:58 but if I have to imagine, it’s just hard for me to imagine being suicidal.
    1:46:59 Oh, that’s okay.
    1:47:04 Yeah. But if I have to imagine that if somebody is feeling suicidal in order to protect themselves
    1:47:10 against the like enormity of the feelings that they would otherwise feel, and then they
    1:47:16 are offered the opportunity to work, to be released from those feelings, I think the
    1:47:23 scary part would be like the first, it’s like wading into really cold water.
    1:47:25 You know, I always feel that way about negative feelings.
    1:47:30 Once you get past your kind of waist or so, you get your shoulders under.
    1:47:31 That’s a good analogy.
    1:47:32 It’s a heck of a lot easier.
    1:47:34 It’s a really nice analogy, yeah.
    1:47:38 Because you realize there’s an upper limit to this stuff and you passed it a little while
    1:47:39 ago.
    1:47:40 Yeah.
    1:47:50 Yeah. So that suicidal part often transforms into part that wants to help you live, actually.
    1:47:54 They’re often in the role that’s opposite of who they really are.
    1:47:59 So as you can hear, this is a totally different approach to suicide, for example.
    1:48:03 And we do the same with addictive firefighters.
    1:48:05 Find that part that makes you so high.
    1:48:07 How do you feel toward, I hate it.
    1:48:11 I want to, you know, I want to be in recovery.
    1:48:13 I want to just lock it up.
    1:48:18 Let’s get all that to step out and just get curious about and ask it what is afraid would
    1:48:22 happen if it didn’t get you high all the time.
    1:48:24 Same answer.
    1:48:29 If we could heal all that pain or that shame, and would you have to get a mile a time?
    1:48:31 No, but I don’t think you can do that.
    1:48:34 Would you give us a chance to prove we can?
    1:48:39 Whatever approach to all these problems?
    1:48:42 Something comes to mind for a number of years, not now, fortunately.
    1:48:50 I mean, I still work a lot, but I work like, you know, I don’t want to, well, I’ll share
    1:48:54 the numbers, but it’s not a goal that no one should try and exceed this.
    1:48:58 I mean, there were times in graduate school where I, no joke, worked 80, 85 hours a week,
    1:49:02 slept under my desk, like I lived in my office as a junior professor.
    1:49:06 My students can attest to that, brush my teeth and we’re not every night, but you know, if
    1:49:11 I had deadlines, it was just all in with mind, body, heart, everything.
    1:49:12 It’s not healthy, right?
    1:49:16 And at some point I had to take a look at it because it’s not conducive to a lot of
    1:49:17 things.
    1:49:18 It brings a lot.
    1:49:20 You can get a lot done.
    1:49:21 I won’t lie.
    1:49:22 You can get a lot done.
    1:49:23 You can get a lot of degrees.
    1:49:28 You can get a lot of knowledge and you can accomplish a lot.
    1:49:34 But I decided to take a look at it, you know, like what would happen if I, I don’t know,
    1:49:38 published five awesome papers in the year instead of 10 or something like great, you
    1:49:42 know, I just started looking at it and it just, it seems crazy now.
    1:49:46 But I remember the genuine fear of backing off.
    1:49:51 And I started to realize that I loved what I did, but that some of the work came from
    1:49:58 a desire to compete out other feelings.
    1:50:00 It’s a form of dissociation.
    1:50:05 And then what happened was I was able to adjust my hours, really pick the projects that held
    1:50:08 the most meaning for me, and then really savor them and enjoy them.
    1:50:11 And that’s how I approached the podcast and other things I’m doing.
    1:50:17 So it was a tremendously useful exploration, but it was terrifying.
    1:50:20 I didn’t have to go to 12 step for work addiction or anything.
    1:50:23 I mean, it wasn’t at that level, but…
    1:50:25 But you’re giving an example of exactly what we do.
    1:50:30 When we go to that workaholic part, what do you afraid would happen if you didn’t do
    1:50:31 this to them?
    1:50:32 Yeah.
    1:50:37 So what I came to, it’s interesting, was the, it was literally a fear of annihilation,
    1:50:38 of disappearing.
    1:50:42 And then I thought, well, then you, you parsed it a little bit further, disappearing to who?
    1:50:45 It’s not like there was an absence of positive feedback.
    1:50:50 So it wasn’t actually to avoid disappearing from the outside world, because I’ll tell you,
    1:50:55 when you’re working 80, 85 hours a week, you’re already gone.
    1:50:58 You know, you just don’t realize it.
    1:51:05 It was actually some way of avoiding this thing that I’ve now come to really love.
    1:51:08 I learned it from my bulldog.
    1:51:14 I used to have this assumption that slow is low, like to slow down is depressive.
    1:51:17 I mean, now I love slowing down.
    1:51:19 And I did learn that from my bulldog.
    1:51:25 Then a few people came into my life and their dogs as well, and I learned like to really
    1:51:32 savor slow, and not just so that I can bounce back into work, that too, admittedly.
    1:51:37 But also to just, and it came through, I just would like your thoughts on this.
    1:51:44 I realized right as I would go into or come out of a meditation, or what I call non-sleep
    1:51:48 deep rest, this kind of yoga-needra-like deep relaxation thing that listeners of this podcast
    1:51:55 will be familiar with hearing about, that there’s this really terrifying moment where
    1:52:01 I realize someday, assuming I’m awake when it happens, or it’s not an accident, or I
    1:52:06 don’t get involved in an accident, I’m going to take my last breath.
    1:52:09 And it’s absolutely terrifying, that concept.
    1:52:12 And I realized that the fear of disappearing is actually a fear of death.
    1:52:16 And what I was really afraid of was death.
    1:52:21 And I was using work, so it was a long way from working 60 hours or 40 hours a week,
    1:52:24 instead or 30, whatever, but people choose as opposed to 85.
    1:52:29 But what I realized, what I was running from was the fear of my own mortality.
    1:52:31 And I didn’t have to use any substances to realize this.
    1:52:35 I just had to keep peeling back the layers of like, what are you really afraid of?
    1:52:39 And now I come to the conclusion that most addiction, having talked to a lot of addicts
    1:52:45 with process addictions and substance addictions, et cetera, that deep down everyone, addict
    1:52:47 or no, is terrified of death.
    1:52:51 It’s just that some people are in touch with that terror and have like, worked through
    1:52:52 it.
    1:52:53 Yeah.
    1:52:58 Well, you remember what I was saying earlier, when we talked to these addict parts, what
    1:53:01 are you afraid would happen if you didn’t make them high?
    1:53:02 He would die.
    1:53:06 So that’s a really common answer.
    1:53:11 And basically what you just described is you were doing IFS without knowing it, asking
    1:53:14 those questions, what are you really afraid of?
    1:53:15 What are you really afraid of?
    1:53:19 Did you get to the key answer?
    1:53:24 And then I don’t know how you help that part that feared death, but somehow you helped it
    1:53:25 relax more.
    1:53:26 Yeah.
    1:53:35 I think if I, for better or worse, if I see or experience something that scares me a lot,
    1:53:41 I have to explore the contours of it.
    1:53:47 It’s been a dangerous part of my life and it’s been a helpful part of my life, too.
    1:53:54 The ability to suppress one’s reflex to avoid fear is such a complicated thing because on
    1:53:57 the one hand, it’s necessary to navigate life.
    1:54:01 On the other hand, if people always say, “What would you tell your younger self if you could
    1:54:03 tell your younger self anything?”
    1:54:09 And I would have said, “Hey dude, listen, if something makes you anxious, get out of
    1:54:10 there.”
    1:54:14 Because my reflex has always been that if something gives me anxiety, okay, here’s a
    1:54:15 test of myself.
    1:54:16 I see.
    1:54:17 I need to overcome it.
    1:54:18 Okay.
    1:54:19 That’s another part.
    1:54:20 Protecting.
    1:54:21 Yeah.
    1:54:22 So in any case, some people are the opposite.
    1:54:23 Yeah.
    1:54:29 I’ve tended to touch the hot stove three times when it should have been one trial learning
    1:54:32 and it hurt, excuse me, the first time.
    1:54:33 But that’s just me.
    1:54:37 I mean, everyone’s got these things, but what I’m discovering certainly through what
    1:54:44 you’re telling us today, but also that the exploration of these things is that so much
    1:54:49 of life is structured, especially nowadays with the phone, love the phone, love social
    1:54:57 media, but so much of life is structured to fill all the space between activities.
    1:55:06 And I do want your thoughts on what you see in terms of things that are active impediments
    1:55:12 to doing good work of the sorts of work that you’re describing today, self-work.
    1:55:17 I would never ask, I guess, to be disparaging of the world just for its own sake.
    1:55:23 But I think people are now starting to develop an awareness of how certain technologies and
    1:55:30 lifestyle habits that are unique to the last five or 10 years are really exacerbating our
    1:55:35 problems as they relate to ourselves, not just interpersonal dynamics.
    1:55:39 And you seem to be thinking about the big picture a lot, so I’m curious what your thoughts
    1:55:40 are.
    1:55:46 Yeah, so all these little machines we have and all the ways we have of never spending
    1:55:55 any time by ourselves or alone or thinking, just feed these protective parts, these distractors
    1:56:00 and leave in the dust more and more these exiled parts.
    1:56:09 So a lot of people’s fear of not having something to do is because when they don’t, if they’re
    1:56:16 not working in your case, then these exiled parts start to come forward, they’re not being
    1:56:17 distracted from.
    1:56:26 In my case, I mentioned my father, I’m the oldest of six boys, I was supposed to be a
    1:56:33 physician like him and a researcher and I was spared that fate because I had a undiagnosed
    1:56:42 ADD and wasn’t a good student and three of my brothers were physician research types.
    1:56:50 But I was the oldest, so he was really hard on me in terms of lazy and worthless and so
    1:56:51 on.
    1:57:00 So I came out of my family with a lot of worthlessness and actually, the model wouldn’t exist if
    1:57:06 I didn’t have that because I had this part that had to prove him wrong and drive me,
    1:57:10 not to the extent you’re talking about, we’re sleeping in the office or anything, but would
    1:57:20 drive me to find this model and then take it in the face of a lot of attack to where
    1:57:22 it is now.
    1:57:27 And if I wasn’t working on it and if I wasn’t getting the accolades, then that worthlessness
    1:57:36 would crop up and then I’d have other firefighters to try and deal with that.
    1:57:43 And I had not only the workaholic part, but I had a part that could close my heart and
    1:57:49 make me not care what people think because I was attacked by traditional psychiatry and
    1:57:50 so on.
    1:57:52 For developing internal family systems?
    1:57:53 Yeah.
    1:57:59 I was humiliated at Grand Rounds a couple of times and I was in the Department of Psychiatry.
    1:58:01 What is with the field of psychiatry?
    1:58:02 That’s a good question.
    1:58:12 So, point being that I was dominated as I developed this by these protectors and it got me through
    1:58:17 all that, but it didn’t serve me as a leader of a community and I was lucky to have some
    1:58:24 students who would confront my parts and would just say, “You can’t keep going on like this
    1:58:26 if you’re going to be in a use to us.”
    1:58:33 And I listened and I worked with that worthlessness and now I don’t have it.
    1:58:35 I don’t have to work.
    1:58:43 It’s just I feel free because I’m not so afraid of that bubbling up if I’m not distracted.
    1:58:46 And now we have more distractions than ever as we’re saying.
    1:58:52 Right, the pain point can potentially become the source of tremendous growth and value
    1:58:58 to the world based on what you’ve developed.
    1:59:03 Keep in mind I learned about your work not just through Martha Beck, although Martha as
    1:59:12 well, but several incredibly talented psychologists, scholars in the field of research psychology
    1:59:14 and actually a psychiatrist as well.
    1:59:16 Yeah, there are some good psychiatrists.
    1:59:23 Maybe I’ll just share so a psychiatrist that I think the world of said to me, I won’t reveal
    1:59:28 who it is, but they said, “Do you know why there’s so many lousy psychiatrists?”
    1:59:32 This isn’t a joke actually, even though it sounds like a set up for a joke.
    1:59:33 I said, “No, why?”
    1:59:41 And they said, “Well, because if you’re a cardiothoracic surgeon and 30% of your patients
    1:59:46 die, you’re considered a pretty terrible cardiothoracic surgeon.”
    1:59:52 If you’re a psychiatrist, unless your patients kill themselves on a frequent basis, you can
    2:00:00 have a pretty “successful career” and no one ever questions whether or not you’re good
    2:00:02 at your job or not.
    2:00:09 Because the field A has a dearth of tools, B, the assumption is that a lot of things
    2:00:13 don’t get better, and on and on, and they listed off all these reasons why the field
    2:00:20 of psychiatry is so replete with what they described as lousy psychiatrists.
    2:00:26 So I do believe there are some excellent psychiatrists out there, research and clinical and both.
    2:00:28 I don’t know if that does anything.
    2:00:32 It sounds like you worked through your relationship to psychiatrists on your own.
    2:00:34 You don’t need my statements.
    2:00:37 I agree with you entirely, yeah.
    2:00:43 And I tried to stay in psychiatry and just kept hitting the brick wall, and so I went
    2:00:48 past roots for 30 years, and now it’s starting to come around into psychiatry.
    2:00:51 So it feels good that way.
    2:00:55 It’s interesting how timing in a field is so important, and not just an academic field,
    2:00:59 but a clinical field, and the ethos.
    2:01:07 If anyone is interested in understanding where we are in the arc of medicine and culture,
    2:01:13 I highly recommend reading Oliver Sacks’ book on the move.
    2:01:18 He’s an obviously neurologist and writer, but he describes coming up through medicine
    2:01:21 and being in these various fields.
    2:01:22 He worked on headache for a while.
    2:01:24 That’s pretty interesting.
    2:01:29 He wrote a book about migraine.
    2:01:33 He worked on with kids on the autism spectrum and a bunch of different fields, and in every
    2:01:41 single one of those fields was vehemently attacked by some individual for whatever reason, usually
    2:01:44 a superior, kicked out of universities, moved to another one.
    2:01:46 Now, he did have his own issues.
    2:01:47 Right.
    2:01:49 You know, it was a time he was a methamphetamine addict and things like that, but he got over
    2:01:53 that and became the great Oliver Sacks that he was.
    2:01:58 But you know, he describes these fields as having a culture at the time of really trying
    2:02:01 to suppress new ideas and holding people down.
    2:02:06 And then toward the end of his career, several of the universities that essentially had fired
    2:02:13 him earlier, hospitals and universities, were trying to recruit him back with multiple appointments,
    2:02:19 because now he was this famous guy who had written a movie or worked on the movie Awakenings.
    2:02:25 It revealed the hypocrisy of these big institutions, and so it made me chuckle and also realized
    2:02:29 that for those of us who are doing public health education at any level, and certainly
    2:02:39 on these more non-traditional things, approaches, that the time is right for sharing them, and
    2:02:41 on the good news is nobody lives forever.
    2:02:44 So you know, the old guard dies or retires, you know.
    2:02:48 That’s true, and I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for that Department of Psychiatry
    2:02:50 to invite me back.
    2:02:53 I won’t ask which one it was.
    2:02:55 We can have an offline discussion about that.
    2:02:56 They just might.
    2:02:57 Sure.
    2:03:02 A couple of more questions.
    2:03:09 First of all, going back to this thing about the larger context of culture, I love the
    2:03:18 optimism that’s threaded through your view that we could get, God willing, Democrats
    2:03:26 and Republicans to come to some sort of common ground around the most important issues, that
    2:03:33 we potentially could eradicate destructive racism, racism of all kinds.
    2:03:38 But given the way you described it, certainly its implementation in the world is the first
    2:03:42 thing that needs to be dealt with, right?
    2:03:48 If people can see those parts of themselves, and work with them, that we stand a chance
    2:03:50 to do that.
    2:03:56 And given that trauma is near ubiquitous, right, that people can start to address their
    2:04:00 own traumas so that they can induce fewer and other people.
    2:04:07 I guess that’s basically the ultimate goal of humanity.
    2:04:15 And I, like so many people lately, not just, by the way, not just in the last year or so,
    2:04:20 but like for the last 10 years have just been developing the sense like, goodness, it just
    2:04:25 seems like the number of problems has just seems to be expanding exponentially.
    2:04:27 How do we get our heads around this?
    2:04:31 And there’s so much blame game going on of, well, it’s because of this and it’s because
    2:04:32 of that.
    2:04:34 And that’s not a solution at all.
    2:04:39 So I love your sense of optimism, that it’s possible.
    2:04:47 And then my question is, how do we get that going to be direct?
    2:04:52 Yeah, well, that’s what I’ve been working on the last several years.
    2:04:59 And what I can say is, for example, I spent 20 years, like, you know, I worked with Bulimia,
    2:05:05 like I said, and I thought, okay, this really works with that population.
    2:05:09 You got people who are bulimic to essentially not be bulimic any longer.
    2:05:10 Yeah.
    2:05:11 Wow.
    2:05:19 And then I thought, okay, well, let’s see if no bad parts is really true.
    2:05:22 And so I went to the toughest populations I could find.
    2:05:26 So for 20 years, I worked with DID and I worked with…
    2:05:27 DID, sorry.
    2:05:28 Yeah.
    2:05:34 dissociative identity disorder, like multiple personality disorder, and I worked with what’s
    2:05:36 called borderline personality clients and…
    2:05:38 Yeah, very common, right?
    2:05:39 Yeah.
    2:05:44 Before when you talked about bulimia, bulimia is notoriously difficult to treat, let alone
    2:05:45 cure.
    2:05:48 It’s because people fight with the symptoms, they try to get rid of the symptoms instead
    2:05:53 of listening to the part that’s making them binge about what that’s about.
    2:05:58 Coming from the one-on-one therapy model to a model where people can do this work on their
    2:06:02 own as well as in groups.
    2:06:08 But if I’m correct in thinking this, it seems like getting the work done with oneself is
    2:06:10 the first real step.
    2:06:11 Yeah.
    2:06:12 There’s no replacement for that.
    2:06:13 Yeah.
    2:06:14 Yeah.
    2:06:15 And you know, there’s…
    2:06:20 In the activist world, there’s always been a kind of…
    2:06:30 You’re wasting your time, but there’s been a polarization between being in the activist
    2:06:36 mindset of really trying to change things in the outside world versus sitting around
    2:06:40 and just focusing inside and not being an activist.
    2:06:49 But I’m working with a lot of the people you would recognize in terms of activists.
    2:06:53 And when they came to me, they were doing their activism from the sort of righteous,
    2:06:56 judgmental part.
    2:07:03 And if we can get that one to step back and have them do their activism from self, they
    2:07:05 have a totally different impact.
    2:07:10 People are willing to listen to them, whereas when they’re in that righteous place, nobody
    2:07:15 wants to listen to the shaming that does, it needs to be both.
    2:07:22 People need to do their work, access self, and then start to try to change the outside
    2:07:27 world, or not one before the other, but at least simultaneously.
    2:07:29 Fantastic.
    2:07:31 No, really fantastic.
    2:07:40 I don’t think we’ve ever done a podcast like this where the audience had a chance
    2:07:44 to do self-work in real time.
    2:07:46 Really appreciate you giving me the opportunity.
    2:07:52 Yeah, I don’t know that I’ve ever heard a discussion like it, to be honest, which is
    2:07:58 just a testament to you and your bravery.
    2:08:04 It’s very clear that your decision not to go into endocrinology was one that we all
    2:08:05 are grateful for.
    2:08:07 It wasn’t a decision.
    2:08:14 My endocrinologist friends will have to just accept that we’ve got a lot of good endocrinologists.
    2:08:26 We needed you, Dr. Dick Schwartz, to find yourself in this business of discovering and
    2:08:35 creating a truly novel approach to therapy and self-work that goes all the way up to
    2:08:37 the potential to change culture, change the world.
    2:08:38 That’s the goal.
    2:08:41 Yeah, those aren’t just words.
    2:08:50 Those are real aspirational, possible things that could be accomplished if people do this
    2:08:51 work.
    2:08:56 And in coming here today and sharing with us the structure of internal family systems
    2:09:04 and a demonstration of how it can work and offering people the opportunity to do it themselves
    2:09:10 in real time and giving us your perspective about the things that are around it as well
    2:09:20 as in it with incredible clarity and just a real beautiful sense of care for people
    2:09:22 that comes through.
    2:09:26 But also, I like the concreteness of it so very much.
    2:09:27 It’s very concrete.
    2:09:28 Right?
    2:09:33 It’s not abstract, and I really appreciate that, and I’m certain that everyone else does
    2:09:34 this as well.
    2:09:37 So, I want to thank you for coming here today.
    2:09:42 For sharing this, we will provide links to places where people can learn more through
    2:09:49 books and courses and other resources that you’ve created, and also just for the work
    2:09:50 that you’ve done and for being you.
    2:09:55 It’s been a real pleasure, and I’m so very glad we did it.
    2:09:56 Me too.
    2:09:57 Oh, my God.
    2:10:02 My little nervous parts are giving me a lot of trouble, but once we got going, I just
    2:10:09 felt connected, and I felt your appreciation and interest, and so we could have this kind
    2:10:14 of self-to-self exchange, which I love.
    2:10:16 I just love spending time and that energy.
    2:10:17 Yeah, likewise.
    2:10:21 And you’re a great interviewer too, so yeah.
    2:10:22 Thank you.
    2:10:30 Well, this whole thing is a labor of love and a free fall through just curiosity.
    2:10:31 Yeah.
    2:10:32 It’s clear.
    2:10:33 I’m sure.
    2:10:34 Yeah.
    2:10:35 I hope to continue the conversation.
    2:10:36 We’d love to.
    2:10:37 Wonderful.
    2:10:38 Thanks so much.
    2:10:39 Thank you so much.
    2:10:42 Thank you for joining me for today’s discussion with Dr. Richard Schwartz.
    2:10:46 To learn more about his work and to find links to his many excellent books, please see the
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    Chào mừng đến với podcast Huberman Lab, nơi chúng ta thảo luận về khoa học và các công cụ dựa trên khoa học cho cuộc sống hàng ngày.
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    Một tính năng chính khác của liệu pháp Hệ thống Gia đình Nội bộ là nó không chỉ tập trung vào việc sửa chữa các thách thức bên trong chúng ta; nó còn dạy bạn cách phát triển sự tự tin, sự cởi mở và lòng từ bi.
    Bây giờ, tập hôm nay khác với bất kỳ tập nào khác của podcast mà chúng ta đã thực hiện trước đây, và có hai lý do cho điều đó.
    Đầu tiên, Tiến sĩ Schwartz sẽ dẫn dắt tôi qua một phiên trị liệu IFS ngắn gọn, vì vậy bạn có thể thấy chính xác nó trông như thế nào trong thực tế, và sau đó ông cũng sẽ dẫn dắt bạn, người nghe, qua đó.
    Như bạn sẽ sớm quan sát và trải nghiệm, liệu pháp Hệ thống Gia đình Nội bộ cho phép bạn làm việc qua những điểm khó khăn, về cơ bản là những phần hoặc cảm xúc bên trong bạn mà bạn không thích có, và sau đó nó cho bạn thấy cách chuyển đổi những cảm xúc đó thành những khía cạnh chức năng hơn của chính bạn.
    Vì vậy, như bạn sẽ thấy, liệu pháp Hệ thống Gia đình Nội bộ vừa rất thú vị vừa là một thực hành mang lại sức mạnh vô cùng to lớn.
    Nó cũng là một hình thức liệu pháp đã được nghiên cứu và có nhiều nghiên cứu được đồng nghiệp đánh giá hỗ trợ cho tính hiệu quả của nó.
    Cuối tập hôm nay, Tiến sĩ Dick Schwartz sẽ cho bạn thấy rằng nhiều phản ứng tiêu cực mà chúng ta thường có với những người và sự vật khác nhau thường xuất phát từ một số mẫu cơ bản mà một khi chúng ta hiểu rõ, chúng ta có thể thực sự chuyển hóa thành những phản ứng tích cực hơn.
    Đây là một bài thực hành rất thú vị. Đây là một bài mà bạn có thể áp dụng ngay hôm nay trong tập này và bạn có thể quay lại để áp dụng trong cuộc sống của mình sau này.
    Trước khi bắt đầu, tôi muốn nhấn mạnh rằng podcast này độc lập với vai trò giảng dạy và nghiên cứu của tôi tại Stanford.
    Tuy nhiên, nó là một phần trong nỗ lực của tôi để mang lại thông tin không tính phí cho người tiêu dùng về khoa học và các công cụ liên quan đến khoa học đến với công chúng.
    Theo chủ đề đó, tập này có bao gồm các nhà tài trợ.
    Và bây giờ, hãy cùng tôi thảo luận với Tiến sĩ Richard Schwartz.
    Tiến sĩ Dick Schwartz, chào mừng.
    Cảm ơn bạn, Andrew.
    Tôi rất vui khi được ở đây cùng bạn.
    Tôi đã nghe rất nhiều về bạn và công việc của bạn cũng như mô hình hệ thống gia đình nội bộ.
    Tôi đã có cơ hội thực hiện một chút công việc đó.
    Thành thật mà nói, tôi không biết người mà tôi đã làm việc cùng có được đào tạo chính thức về điều đó hay không.
    Vì vậy, tôi muốn bắt đầu bằng cách hỏi bạn hệ thống gia đình nội bộ là gì và các thành phần khác nhau của nó là gì?
    Và khi chúng ta làm điều đó, tôi chắc chắn rằng mọi người sẽ suy nghĩ về các thành phần này cho chính cuộc sống của họ và những người trong cuộc sống của họ.
    Đúng vậy.
    Về cơ bản, tôi đã phát triển nó như một hình thức tâm lý trị liệu, mà có lẽ là cách mà nó được sử dụng nhiều nhất hiện nay, nhưng nó cũng đã trở thành một loại thực hành trong cuộc sống và chỉ là một khuôn mẫu để hiểu tâm trí con người như một sự thay thế cho khuôn mẫu văn hóa.
    Vì vậy, nói như vậy là nhiều, và đó là một hành trình tuyệt vời.
    Tôi biết về phân tâm học Freud, tôi biết về nhiều nhánh khác nhau của tâm lý học có hướng lâm sàng.
    Có trị liệu hành vi nhận thức.
    Các thành phần cốt lõi của hệ thống gia đình nội bộ là gì?
    Đúng vậy.
    Một giả định cơ bản là tâm trí không phải là một thể đơn nhất, mà thực ra chúng ta đều là những nhân cách đa dạng, không theo nghĩa chẩn đoán, mà chúng ta đều có những gì tôi gọi là các phần, các hệ thống khác gọi là tiểu nhân cách, trạng thái cái tôi, những thứ như vậy, và đó là trạng thái tự nhiên của tâm trí để tồn tại như vậy, chúng ta được sinh ra với chúng vì chúng đều rất quý giá và có những phẩm chất và tài nguyên để giúp chúng ta sống sót và phát triển.
    Nhưng chấn thương và những gì được gọi là thương tổn liên kết và những cú đánh mà chúng ta phải chịu đựng buộc những phần quý giá nhỏ bé này vào những vai trò có thể phá hoại.
    Và chúng không thích điều đó, nhưng bởi vì chúng thường bị đóng băng theo thời gian trong suốt chấn thương và chúng sống như thể mọi thứ vẫn đang xảy ra, chúng ở trong những vai trò bảo vệ có thể rất cực đoan can thiệp vào cuộc sống của bạn.
    Và đúng vậy, tôi đã tình cờ phát hiện ra hiện tượng này cách đây 40 năm, giờ tôi nghĩ là 41 năm trước và đó là một hành trình tuyệt vời.
    Vậy lúc đó bạn đã thực hành như một nhà tâm lý học lâm sàng chưa?
    Thực ra tôi có bằng tiến sĩ trong liệu pháp gia đình Maryland.
    Vì vậy, tôi đã là một phần của phong trào trong liệu pháp gia đình rời khỏi công việc nội tâm.
    Có một sự phân cực và chúng tôi nghĩ rằng mình có thể tổ chức lại các gia đình và chữa lành tất cả những triệu chứng này chỉ bằng cách làm điều đó.
    Chúng tôi không cần phải lục lọi trong thế giới nội tâm.
    Và tôi đã thử chứng minh điều đó và điều này xảy ra khoảng năm 1983 bằng cách tập hợp một nhóm trẻ em mắc chứng ăn uống vô độ cùng với gia đình của chúng và cố gắng tổ chức lại các gia đình theo cách mà sách đã hướng dẫn và đã thất bại.
    Các em không nhận ra rằng mình đã được chữa khỏi và vẫn tiếp tục ăn uống vô độ và nôn ọe.
    Vì vậy, từ sự thất vọng, tôi đã bắt đầu hỏi tại sao và họ bắt đầu nói về ngôn ngữ của các phần và họ sẽ nói một phiên bản nào đó rằng khi có điều gì xấu xảy ra trong cuộc sống của tôi, nó kích hoạt một người phê bình trong tôi đang gọi tôi bằng đủ loại tên bên trong và điều đó thẳng đến trái tim của một phần cảm thấy trống rỗng và cô đơn và vô giá trị.
    Và cảm giác đó thật khó chịu đến mức phần ăn uống vô độ xuất hiện và mang tôi đi, dẫn tôi xa khỏi tất cả nỗi đau đó, nhưng người phê bình lại xuất hiện và chỉ trích tôi vì sự ăn uống vô độ và sau đó sự chỉ trích đó lại chạm thẳng vào trái tim của phần vô giá trị đó.
    Vì vậy, đối với tôi, như một nhà trị liệu gia đình, điều này nghe giống như những gì tôi đã nghiên cứu trong các gia đình bên ngoài, những chuỗi tương tác vòng tròn này.
    Vì vậy, tôi đã trở nên tò mò và bắt đầu khám phá.
    Các phần khác nhau này có tồn tại trong mỗi người chúng ta không? Chúng có được thể hiện bằng một giọng nói rõ ràng và khác biệt với nhau hay mọi người thường trải nghiệm chúng chỉ như một bản thân? Giống như những người chỉ trích bên trong của tôi, bạn sẽ cho chúng tôi những tên gọi và danh hiệu khác hay điều này thường xảy ra dưới nhận thức của mọi người? Có một chút cả hai. Hầu hết mọi người đều nhận ra họ là một người phê bình, nhưng đôi khi bạn không nhận ra những phần mà chúng tôi gọi là những kẻ lưu đày mà bạn đã khóa chặt vì bạn không muốn cảm nhận cảm xúc của chúng. Chúng đã bị mắc kẹt trong những cảnh hội chứng chấn thương xấu. Và để tồn tại trong cuộc sống của bạn, bạn đã phải đẩy chúng ra xa. Vì vậy, với những phần này, rất nhiều người không thực sự nhận thức về chúng cho đến khi những phần được bảo vệ đó nhường chỗ và mở cánh cửa cho những kẻ lưu đày. Tôi muốn tạm dừng một chút và ghi nhận nhà tài trợ của chúng ta, BetterHelp. BetterHelp cung cấp liệu pháp chuyên nghiệp với một nhà trị liệu có giấy phép được thực hiện hoàn toàn trực tuyến. Bản thân tôi đã tham gia liệu pháp hàng tuần trong hơn 30 năm. Thực tế, tôi coi việc tham gia liệu pháp thường xuyên quan trọng như việc tập thể dục đều đặn, điều mà tôi cũng làm mỗi tuần. Thực ra có ba điều mà liệu pháp tuyệt vời cung cấp. Thứ nhất, nó cung cấp một mối quan hệ tốt với một người mà bạn có thể tin tưởng và trò chuyện về hầu như bất kỳ vấn đề nào. Thứ hai, nó có thể cung cấp sự hỗ trợ dưới dạng hỗ trợ cảm xúc và hướng dẫn có định hướng. Và thứ ba, liệu pháp chuyên gia có thể cung cấp những cái nhìn sâu sắc hữu ích. Những điều này giúp bạn cải thiện không chỉ đời sống cảm xúc và đời sống quan hệ của bạn, mà còn cả mối quan hệ với chính bản thân bạn, đời sống nghề nghiệp và tất cả các loại mục tiêu. BetterHelp làm cho việc tìm kiếm một nhà trị liệu chuyên gia mà bạn có thể cộng hưởng trở nên rất dễ dàng và có thể cung cấp cho bạn ba lợi ích mà liệu pháp hiệu quả mang lại. Bên cạnh đó, vì BetterHelp cho phép liệu pháp diễn ra hoàn toàn trực tuyến, nên nó cực kỳ tiết kiệm thời gian và dễ dàng phù hợp với một lịch trình bận rộn. Nếu bạn muốn thử BetterHelp, bạn có thể truy cập betterhelp.com/huberman để nhận 10% giảm giá cho tháng đầu tiên của bạn. Một lần nữa, đó là betterhelp.com/huberman. Tập hôm nay cũng được mang đến cho chúng ta bởi David. David tạo ra một thanh protein không giống bất kỳ cái nào khác. Nó có 28 gram protein, chỉ 150 calo và không có gram đường nào. Đúng vậy, 28 gram protein và 75% calo của nó đến từ protein. Điều này cao hơn 50% so với thanh protein gần nhất. Thanh protein David cũng có vị cực kỳ tuyệt vời. Ngay cả kết cấu cũng tuyệt vời. Thanh yêu thích của tôi là vị bánh quy sô cô la chip, nhưng tôi cũng thích hương vị sô cô la và bơ đậu phộng mới cũng như vị bánh brownie sô cô la. Về cơ bản, tôi thích tất cả các hương vị. Tất cả đều rất ngon. Thực tế, thử thách khó khăn nhất là biết nên ăn loại nào vào những ngày nào và bao nhiêu lần mỗi ngày. Tôi tự giới hạn mình ở hai thanh mỗi ngày, nhưng tôi thực sự yêu thích chúng. Với David, tôi có thể nhận được 28 gram protein trong calo của một món ăn nhẹ, điều này giúp tôi dễ dàng đạt được mục tiêu protein là một gram trên mỗi pound trọng lượng cơ thể mỗi ngày. Và nó cho phép tôi làm điều đó mà không phải nạp quá nhiều calo. Tôi sẽ ăn một thanh protein David vào hầu hết các buổi chiều như một món ăn nhẹ và tôi luôn mang theo một thanh khi ra ngoài hoặc đi du lịch. Chúng cực kỳ ngon và vì chúng có 28 gram protein, nên chúng thực sự thỏa mãn với chỉ 150 calo. Nếu bạn muốn thử David, bạn có thể truy cập davidprotein.com/huberman. Lần nữa, đó là davidprotein.com/huberman. Chắc chắn chúng ta muốn đi vào những vai trò hoặc danh hiệu bảo vệ khác nhau là gì, xin lỗi, và các kẻ lưu đày. Trước khi chúng ta làm điều đó, vì bạn đã đề cập đến chủ đề chấn thương, và đây là một chủ đề mà tôi nghĩ nhiều, nhiều người quan tâm, tôi chỉ tò mò, bạn định nghĩa thế nào về một chấn thương? Và tại sao bạn nghĩ rằng các chấn thương có xu hướng khóa chúng ta trong một trạng thái đại diện cho một thời điểm trước đó? Tại sao nó lại liên quan chặt chẽ đến điều này của nhận thức về thời gian? Vâng, câu hỏi tại sao tôi không thể trả lời hoàn toàn, nhưng nó chắc chắn có. Đối với tôi, các chấn thương không nhất thiết gây chấn thương. Vậy nên một điều xấu xảy ra với bạn. Và nếu bạn có thể tiếp cận phần mà bạn và Martha Beck gọi là bản thân, người tư bản, và bạn đến với phần của bạn bị tổn thương bởi những gì đã xảy ra thay vì đẩy nó ra xa và khóa nó lại, và bạn ôm lấy nó, và bạn đưa nó lại gần bạn, điều này có nghĩa là bạn đang tiến gần tới nỗi đau của mình, điều này trái ngược với điều mà hầu hết chúng ta cố gắng làm. Nhưng nếu bạn làm như vậy, và bạn có thể giúp nó giải phóng những cảm xúc mà nó đã tích lũy từ chấn thương, thì bạn sẽ không bị chấn thương. Điều gây chấn thương là khi điều xấu xảy ra. Những phần nhạy cảm hơn của chúng ta, những phần nhạy cảm nhất của chúng ta bị tổn thương hoặc cảm thấy vô giá trị vì những gì đã xảy ra hoặc bị hoảng sợ. Và rồi chúng ta khóa chúng lại vì chúng ta không muốn cảm thấy cảm giác đó nữa. Và mọi người xung quanh chúng ta bảo chúng ta chỉ cần buông bỏ, chỉ cần tiến lên, không nhìn lại. Và vì vậy, chúng ta kết thúc với việc lưu đày những phần nhạy cảm nhất của mình chỉ đơn giản vì chúng đã bị tổn thương. Và khi bạn có nhiều kẻ lưu đày, bạn cảm thấy mỏng manh hơn. Thế giới có vẻ nguy hiểm hơn bởi vì bất cứ điều gì cũng có thể kích hoạt điều đó. Và khi chúng bị kích hoạt, chúng sẽ bùng nổ, chúng sẽ chiếm lấy. Vì vậy, điều đó giống như những ngọn lửa của cảm xúc thô bạo xuất hiện. Các phần khác bị buộc phải chuyển sang những vai trò quản lý hoặc vai trò bảo vệ này. Và một số trong chúng đang cố gắng quản lý cuộc sống của bạn để bạn không bị kích hoạt nữa, để, chẳng hạn, không ai đến gần đủ để kích hoạt bất kỳ điều gì đó. Hoặc để bạn trông thật tốt để không bị từ chối hoặc biểu diễn ở mức độ cao để đối phó với cảm giác vô giá trị. Nhiều trong số đó trở thành những người chỉ trích vì trong nỗ lực của chúng để cố gắng khiến bạn trông tốt, chúng đang quát mắng bạn để cố gắng cư xử và làm những gì chúng muốn để bạn trông tốt hơn.
    Và rồi có những gì chúng tôi gọi là những người bảo vệ quản lý, mà đối với một số người, đặc biệt là phụ nữ, là những phần chăm sóc khổng lồ mà không cho phép họ chăm sóc bản thân và phải chăm sóc người khác.
    Vì vậy, tôi có thể nói mãi về điều này. Có rất nhiều vai trò quản lý thông thường. Và tôi muốn làm rõ khi tôi nói về điều này rằng đây không phải là bản chất của các phần, và đó là một sai lầm lớn mà hầu hết mọi người trong lĩnh vực này đã mắc phải là giả định rằng nhà phê bình chỉ là một giọng nói của cha mẹ phê phán nội tâm thay vì lắng nghe và hiểu rằng nó đang cố gắng bảo vệ bạn một cách tuyệt vọng.
    Vì vậy, không phần nào trong số này là những gì chúng dường như. Đó là vai trò mà chúng đã bị buộc phải đảm nhận. Ẩn dụ, một lần nữa, là một gia đình bên ngoài, giống như những đứa trẻ trong các gia đình không chức năng thường bị ép vào những vai trò cực đoan không đúng với bản chất của chúng. Đó là vai trò mà chúng bị ép buộc bởi động lực của gia đình. Chúng cũng giống như vậy với gia đình nội tâm này.
    Vì vậy, hầu hết chúng ta đều có rất nhiều thứ mà chúng tôi gọi là các bạn quản lý. Chúng đã đưa chúng ta đến đây. Chúng giúp chúng ta trong sự nghiệp và các hệ thống khác gọi chúng là những phòng thủ hoặc cái tôi. Và trong tinh thần học, chúng cũng bị hiểu lầm và phê phán. Nhưng mục đích chính của chúng là giữ mọi thứ trong vòng kiểm soát, làm hài lòng mọi người, và bạn sẽ sống sót. Thế giới có cách để phá vỡ những phòng thủ đó, kích hoạt một phần lưu đày. Khi điều đó xảy ra, đó là một tình huống khẩn cấp lớn bởi vì, một lần nữa, những ngọn lửa của cảm xúc thô bạo sẽ áp đảo bạn và làm cho bạn gặp khó khăn trong việc hoạt động hoặc thậm chí là ra khỏi giường.
    Vì vậy, có những phần khác ngay lập tức đi vào hành động để đối phó với tình huống khẩn cấp đó. Và trái ngược với những người quản lý này, chúng có thể bốc đồng, phản ứng nhanh chóng, như thể nói rằng “không quan tâm điều gì khác”. Tôi không quan tâm đến những thiệt hại phụ cho cơ thể bạn, cho các mối quan hệ của bạn. Tôi chỉ cần đưa bạn lên cao hơn những ngọn lửa đó hoặc dập tắt chúng bằng một thứ gì đó hoặc làm bạn mất tập trung cho đến khi chúng tự hết.
    Vì vậy, chúng tôi gọi những phần đó là những người lính cứu hỏa. Và một lần nữa, đây chỉ là những vai trò. Khi được giải phóng khỏi những vai trò này, chúng sẽ chuyển mình thành những điều rất quý giá.
    Vì vậy, vai trò của người lính cứu hỏa nội tâm là một trong những phần lưu đày xuất hiện trong điều kiện có nhiều cảm xúc. Đây là một mô tả tuyệt vời, và tôi hoàn toàn đồng ý với ý tưởng rằng chúng ta có nhiều khía cạnh của bản thân hoặc những cái tôi bên trong. Jung cũng đã nói điều đó từ rất lâu rồi, đúng không?
    Vâng. Jung đã có tất cả điều này từ lâu.
    Và điều tôi thích ở đây, những người bảo vệ/ quản lý so với những phần lưu đày, cảm thấy rất đúng với tôi. Và tôi thích sự trực tiếp của ngôn ngữ.
    Có thể chúng ta có thể tạo ra một lưới suy nghĩ cho mọi người. Như thể nếu, giả sử tôi đến gặp bạn như một bệnh nhân, và tôi nói, “Nghe này, tôi sẽ nói thẳng. Tôi sẽ thành thật. Tại sao không làm điều đó?” Hãy làm thôi. Bí mật là, tôi đã đưa bạn đến đây để trị liệu. Không. Nhưng, được rồi, tôi là người đã có thể tổ chức cuộc sống của mình trong một thời gian rất dài. Tôi có xu hướng có những tương tác mượt mà với các đồng nghiệp, có những tình bạn tuyệt vời. Bây giờ tôi có mối quan hệ rất tốt với gia đình gần gũi của mình. Thực tế rất tốt. Tôi vẫn đang làm việc về một vài điều với một vài người, nhưng dạo này tôi đang sống trong một tâm trạng rất vui vẻ và biết ơn.
    Tuy nhiên, tôi không muốn cung cấp chi tiết về điều này vì lý do riêng tư, nhưng hôm nọ tôi đã có một cuộc thảo luận với một thành viên trong gia đình. Họ có một phàn nàn với tôi mà tôi nghĩ chúng tôi đã giải quyết rồi, và cuộc trò chuyện trở thành rất căng thẳng một cách nhanh chóng đến mức chúng tôi đã tạm dừng và đưa ra ý tưởng rằng có thể chúng tôi chỉ cần có một khoảng không gian nghiêm túc, điều này không phản ánh tình yêu mà tôi dành cho người này hay tình yêu mà họ dành cho tôi. Đó chỉ là cảm giác của cả hai chúng tôi đều đang ở trong một trạng thái căng thẳng cao, và may mắn thay, cuộc trò chuyện đã kết thúc tốt đẹp với một con đường phía trước liên quan đến nhiều sự liên lạc hơn, không phải ít hơn, mà cả hai chúng tôi đều cảm thấy rất tốt về điều đó, nhưng trong khoảnh khắc đó, khi tôi cảm thấy bị áp đảo và họ cũng cảm thấy bị áp đảo.
    Chuyện gì đang diễn ra ở đó? Chúng tôi đều là người lớn. Vậy, bị áp đảo bởi sự tức giận đối với nhau? Sự thất vọng. Sự thất vọng. Vâng. Sự thất vọng. Như cuộc trò chuyện trước đó, tôi cảm thấy tôi đã không… Tôi đang nói những điều. Họ đang nói những điều, nhưng tôi cảm thấy có rất nhiều căng thẳng ẩn sâu dựa trên một lịch sử giao tiếp kém được lồng ghép lên trên một cường độ cảm xúc mà chúng tôi đều có xu hướng mang theo, và bằng cách nào đó chúng tôi không thể phân tích mọi thứ từ trạng thái đó.
    Vì vậy, tôi ngồi trên ghế của mình và chỉ bảo với bản thân, “Được rồi, tôi sẽ không nói gì trong năm phút bởi vì tôi biết mình.” Không phải tôi nghĩ tôi sẽ nói điều gì đó thực sự châm chọc, nhưng tôi chỉ nghĩ rằng, “Điều này sẽ không hiệu quả. Tôi như đang đụng đầu vào một bức tường. Họ không nghe tôi. Rõ ràng là tôi không nghe họ.”
    Và điều đã giúp tôi vượt qua điều đó chính là… vì đó là điều đã được dạy cho tôi, tôi chỉ quyết định buông bỏ. Và từ buông bỏ trước đây có nghĩa với tôi là từ bỏ sự thật, và nó thật sự cảm thấy đáng sợ bởi vì khi bạn nói buông bỏ, nó gần như giống như nói, “Một bối cảnh của việc buông bỏ có nghĩa là bạn đúng, bất chấp mọi điều.” Và bạn đúng. Tôi chỉ định nói rằng điều đó đúng. Nhưng tôi đã nhận ra rằng buông bỏ với tôi chỉ đơn giản là buông bỏ trong khoảnh khắc để tôi có thể có cái nhìn tốt hơn, cái nhìn nội tâm và bên ngoài.
    Vì vậy, đối với tôi, việc giữ lấy sự buông bỏ trong những khoảnh khắc như vậy rất không thoải mái, nhưng tôi hiện nay đã học được đây là một cách tuyệt vời để có được cái nhìn. Nhưng ngay cả khi tôi miêu tả điều này, toàn bộ tình huống rất nặng nề. Tôi ra khỏi cuộc gọi đó dù nó kết thúc tốt đẹp và cảm thấy như, “Ugh.” Vâng. Như, “Ugh.” Điều đó giống như tôi chưa bao giờ chạy marathon, nhưng tôi thà chạy marathon còn hơn là làm hai cuộc như vậy một tuần. Thật sự đồng ý. Vâng. Tôi đã có một trong những điều đó với vợ tôi vài ngày trước. Được rồi. Tốt. Chúng tôi chỉ dừng lại ở phần đó và nói, “Được rồi. Chúng ta hãy để nó đi một thời gian và chúng ta sẽ nói sau.” Vì vậy, tôi có thể đưa ra ý kiến của mình về những gì đã xảy ra, nhưng nếu bạn muốn, chúng ta có thể chỉ cần đi vào và khám phá một chút. Chắc rồi. Vâng? Vâng.
    Chắc chắn rồi.
    Được rồi.
    Chúng ta nên bắt đầu với phần cảm thấy thất vọng và tức giận không?
    Chắc chắn.
    Được rồi.
    Bạn sẵn sàng chưa?
    Tôi nghĩ là có.
    Ừ.
    Được rồi.
    Vậy hãy nhớ cảm giác đó và tập trung vào nó, và tìm nó trong cơ thể hoặc xung quanh cơ thể bạn.
    Được rồi.
    Bạn tìm thấy nó ở đâu?
    Ở giữa phần thân và ngay sau trán, cảm thấy có áp lực.
    Thật tuyệt.
    Cả hai chỗ đó.
    Thật tuyệt.
    Bạn có sự rõ ràng về nó.
    Khi bạn tập trung vào đó, bạn cảm thấy thế nào về phần này của bản thân?
    Tôi không biết.
    Nó rất khó chịu.
    Vậy bạn không thích nó?
    Không.
    Tôi không thích nó.
    Ừ.
    Điều đó cũng hợp lý, vì nó đôi khi làm mọi thứ leo thang với bạn bè và không khiến bạn cảm thấy tốt.
    Vì vậy, tôi hiểu tại sao bạn không thích nó, nhưng chúng ta sẽ yêu cầu những phần không thích nó tạo cho chúng ta một không gian để chỉ tò mò về nó và xem liệu điều đó có khả thi không.
    Được rồi.
    Vậy bây giờ bạn cảm thấy thế nào về nó?
    Có một chút thư giãn ở phần đầu.
    Ừ.
    Thật buồn cười khi khi bạn yêu cầu tôi xác định nó, thì nó rõ ràng đến vậy.
    Nó giống như một thứ gì đó bên trong tôi.
    Nó như kích thước của một con gấu bông nhưng không phải là một người bạn.
    Nó không phải là điều tốt.
    Nó giống như bị đẩy lên đó.
    Nhưng khi bạn bảo tôi tò mò về nó, tôi cảm thấy như nó hạ xuống một chút và có vẻ như hơi mềm mại hơn.
    Vậy bạn có cảm thấy tò mò về nó không?
    Ừ.
    Được rồi.
    Vậy hãy hỏi nó xem nó muốn bạn biết điều gì về bản thân nó.
    Im lặng.
    Tùy bạn, theo cách nào thoải mái hơn.
    Chà, vì đây là một podcast và không có điều này nào thoải mái đối với tôi khi làm điều này ở nơi công cộng, nếu tôi thật sự thành thật.
    Chỉ cần hỏi bên trong.
    Chắc chắn.
    Không, tôi sẽ hỏi lớn.
    Được rồi.
    Vậy bạn muốn tôi biết điều gì về bạn?
    Ừ.
    Và chỉ chờ câu trả lời.
    Đừng suy nghĩ.
    Tôi biết bạn có phần nhận thức lớn, vì vậy chúng ta sẽ yêu cầu phần đó thư giãn và cứ để bất cứ điều gì đến với câu trả lời, chỉ cần chờ nó.
    Chà, câu trả lời của tôi dựa trên cảm giác xuất hiện ngay sau khi tôi hỏi, đó là câu trả lời rằng tôi có thể tan biến, và rồi tôi cảm thấy nó tan biến.
    Được rồi.
    Vậy nó giống như một năng lượng mà khi cô đọng lại thì thật tệ, nhưng khi tôi nhìn vào nó, nó hơi mềm mại hơn một chút và rồi hỏi câu hỏi mà bạn đã hỏi, và rồi cảm giác như nó đi vào phần còn lại của cơ thể tôi, nhưng không đầu độc phần còn lại của cơ thể, chỉ hòa trộn vào, tất nhiên là chúng ta đang nói hoàn toàn bằng những thuật ngữ huyền bí ở đây.
    Vì vậy, nó đã thư giãn, nó có thể không tan biến theo cách chúng ta nghĩ về điều đó, nó có thể chỉ thư giãn hơn, nhưng cứ tiếp tục hỏi nó, nó sợ điều gì sẽ xảy ra nếu trong bối cảnh đó nó không cố gắng chiếm lấy theo cách mà nó đã làm?
    Chỉ cần hỏi câu hỏi đó.
    Nếu nó không cố gắng chiếm lấy.
    Ừ.
    Nó sợ điều gì sẽ xảy ra nếu nó không cố gắng chiếm lấy?
    Chỉ cần chờ câu trả lời.
    Ừ.
    Đó là một câu hỏi hay.
    Được rồi.
    Vậy điều gì sẽ xảy ra nếu bạn không chiếm lấy hệ thống của tôi theo cách đó, cô đọng từ bụng lên đầu của tôi khi tôi cảm thấy như vậy?
    Ừ.
    Đừng suy nghĩ, ừ.
    Câu trả lời đến rất nhanh rằng tôi sẽ không thể phân biệt sự thật.
    Được rồi.
    Vậy sự thật là điều rất quan trọng đối với phần này của bạn.
    Ừ.
    Ừ.
    Vậy nó xuất hiện khi tôi nghe thấy điều gì mà tôi tin là hoàn toàn không đúng về những suy nghĩ hoặc cảm xúc của tôi, đúng không?
    Có thể với tuổi tác, tôi đã đến kết luận rằng hai người có thể nhìn vào cùng một tương tác hoặc cùng một thứ và có hai phiên bản hoàn toàn khác nhau về nó.
    Tôi không sao với điều đó.
    Phần mà tôi rất, rất nhạy cảm, mọi người trong cuộc sống của tôi biết điều này, là khi ai đó nói với tôi tôi cảm thấy thế nào, động cơ của tôi là gì hoặc tôi cảm thấy thế nào.
    Đối với tôi, đó là một cách khá cứng nhắc để đối mặt với điều này.
    Được rồi.
    Vậy hãy giữ lại điều này.
    Chỉ cần giữ lấy điều đó.
    Được rồi.
    Và hãy để nó biết rằng bạn hiểu điều đó.
    Rằng việc mọi người hiểu sai động cơ của bạn là rất, rất khó khăn với nó.
    Và hãy hỏi nó thêm về điều đó.
    Một lần nữa, đừng nghĩ, mà hãy hỏi tại sao điều đó lại khó khăn như vậy, tại sao điều đó lại làm phiền nó nhiều như vậy?
    Và liệu có sự sợ hãi nào xảy ra nếu nó để điều đó đi?
    Ừ.
    Vậy tại sao bạn sợ phải, tại sao bạn phải bước vào khi điều đó xảy ra?
    Câu trả lời của tôi có thể không đủ thuyết phục cho những người nghe hoặc cho tôi.
    Nhưng nó nói rằng, bởi vì nếu bạn không thể giữ vững sự thật của mình, thì không điều gì sẽ có ý nghĩa.
    Vì vậy có điều gì đó về việc tạo ra ý nghĩa hay không, không có gì có ý nghĩa mà nó rất sợ hãi.
    Có đúng không?
    Ừ.
    Ý tôi là, tôi đã quyết định trở thành nhà sinh物 học và cố gắng hiểu chất thịt bên trong đầu và cơ thể của chúng ta, đó là hệ thần kinh, bởi vì tôi cảm thấy, và tôi vẫn cảm thấy rằng nó có thể tiết lộ một số sự thật hoặc thực tế cơ bản về việc hiểu thực tại như nó vốn có thực sự quan trọng đối với tôi, bởi vì tôi cảm thấy con người, bao gồm cả bản thân tôi, dĩ nhiên, rất dễ bị hiểu sai.
    Vì vậy, như sự thật như một thứ ở ngoài kia, tôi sẵn sàng hoàn toàn từ bỏ, hoàn toàn.
    Sự thật như nó tồn tại để biết chắc chắn những gì động cơ của tôi là gì, điều gì đã xảy ra hay không xảy ra, nhưng thường thì nó liên quan đến động cơ.
    Điều gì đã xảy ra hay không xảy ra, bạn thường có thể phân tích cùng ai đó.
    Đó là điều mà tôi cảm thấy tôi cần bảo vệ bằng mọi giá.
    Ừ.
    Vậy việc tạo ra một người bảo vệ, và vì vậy đây là một phần bảo vệ, đúng không?
    Hãy hỏi nó liệu nó có đang bảo vệ những phần khác của bạn đang dễ bị tổn thương và bị tổn thương khi ai đó không điều chỉnh đúng động cơ của bạn không.
    Chỉ cần hỏi câu hỏi đó.
    Đừng nghĩ.
    Đó là một câu hỏi dễ, đó là một câu hỏi nhanh, không dễ, nhưng là một câu hỏi nhanh.
    Ừ.
    Đối với tôi điều mà cảm thấy bị tổn thương bởi điều đó là thực tế rằng tôi tin rằng ít nhất vào lúc bắt đầu và trong phần lớn của một mối quan hệ, và ngay cả khi một mối quan hệ kết thúc vì lý do nào đó, tôi biết rằng bản chất của tôi là cố gắng tưởng tượng càng nhiều điều tốt đẹp trong ý định của người khác càng tốt.
    Dưới đây là bản dịch tiếng Việt của đoạn văn bạn đã cung cấp:
    Vậy nên nếu tôi buông bỏ phản ứng này, tiếp tục đi, trong tâm trí tôi cứ nghĩ như thế này, nó giống như một thứ hình dạng gấu teddy làm bằng titan, nhưng không giống như một khối titan ở đó. Tôi có thể sẽ chuyển sang một chế độ phán xét họ. Điều này thú vị bởi vì có rất nhiều người từ quá khứ của tôi và có thể một vài người trong hiện tại mà những người gần gũi với tôi, những người khá có trình độ, nói rằng tôi nên không thích họ hoặc cắt họ ra khỏi cuộc sống của tôi và có một vài, có thể một hoặc hai trường hợp của những người tôi đã cắt ra khỏi cuộc sống của mình, nhưng tôi luôn có khuynh hướng chỉ cố gắng xem cái gì có thể tồn tại. Vì vậy phần đó cảm thấy quan trọng đối với tôi, tôi không biết tại sao nó lại quan trọng bây giờ khi tôi đã nghĩ về điều đó.
    Chúng ta có thể hỏi, vậy điều tôi nghe được là người này, người đàn ông titan này đang giữ một phần khác mà có thể rất phán xét về người kia ở xa. Ừ, tôi không thích cảm giác đó. Nó cảm thấy lãng phí năng lượng và hơn thế nữa, nó cảm thấy cực kỳ buồn. Tôi nghĩ chấp nhận phần đó của bản thân có nghĩa là từ bỏ một vài ảo tưởng, mà có lẽ là những ảo tưởng không thực tế, chính là điều tôi gọi là một ảo tưởng, tôi nhận ra. Bởi vì tôi nhìn vào, và tôi luôn nhìn vào điều đó từ khi tôi còn nhỏ, tôi nhìn mọi người như chúng ta ở giữa bầy thú, chúng ta là những người bảo quản trái đất vì chúng ta giỏi trong phát triển công nghệ, bên cạnh đó, và cũng như bạn không thể tưởng tượng rằng một con gấu trúc nhìn một gấu trúc khác và nghĩ, đó là một con gấu trúc xấu, đó chỉ là một con gấu trúc điên cuồng, và chúng chỉ… tôi khao khát có cùng sự nhạy cảm đối với loài của chính chúng ta. Tôi hiểu điều đó.
    Ừ. Tôi không ghét ai cả. Vâng, có thể có những phần trong bạn lại có cảm giác đó. Tôi ghét những hành vi. Tôi ghét những điều mà mọi người đã nói hoặc đã làm, chắc chắn chủ yếu là đối với người khác, không phải với tôi, nhưng đúng vậy, thật khó để tôi thật sự nổi giận với ai đó một cách triền miên, không chỉ trong khoảnh khắc. Nhưng điều tôi nghe được, điều mà chúng ta đã nghe từ phần này, nó sợ rằng nếu nó không làm điều này, một phần khác phán xét người khác có thể sẽ được giải phóng, có đúng không? Ừ. Vậy nên có phần đó bên trong. Chỉ là bạn đã có thể tạm thời lưu đày nó. Vâng. Đúng. Tôi cảm thấy thoải mái với ý tưởng rằng bạn có thể giữ khoảng cách phù hợp, có thể là không có khoảng cách nào, hoặc có thể là gần như vô hạn, nhưng tôi nên giữ khoảng cách thích hợp với mọi thứ và mọi người để tôi có thể ở trong tư thế yêu thương nhất đối với họ hoặc điều đó.
    Ừ. Tôi không cố gắng nghe có vẻ kỹ thuật ở đây với tất cả các cách diễn đạt song song, nhưng tôi đã nghĩ rất nhiều về điều này. Như có một số người mà tôi, không có giới hạn nào đối với mức độ tương tác mà tôi muốn có với họ. Bạn biết đấy, chúng ta còn những việc khác để làm và tôi không thể dành tất cả thời gian của mình cho nhau. Rồi có những người khác mà tôi yêu họ, nhưng tôi biết rằng tôi phải giữ một khoảng cách nhất định để tiếp tục yêu họ. Điều này là như nhau. Vì vậy, trong khoảnh khắc đó, gần như là, nhưng nó xuất hiện mà không có ý thức của tôi. Chả phải là nói, hãy nghe đây, đó là kiểu người mà tôi có thể nói chuyện một lần trong tháng hay cái gì đó. Và tôi chỉ muốn thêm rằng, bạn biết đấy, trong các tình huống chuyên nghiệp, không phải bây giờ, nhưng trong quá khứ xa, khi tôi còn trong một cấu trúc rất phân cấp, tôi vẫn còn trong học thuật, tôi vẫn giảng dạy, nhưng không còn quản lý nghiên cứu nữa một cách chính thức. Bạn biết đấy, tôi đã có vài đồng nghiệp cao cấp mà tôi thực sự yêu thích và tôn trọng, nhưng họ, họ thường nói hoặc làm những điều mà tôi nghĩ là thực sự không đạo đức đối với những người khác. Và đối với tôi, tôi cảm thấy họ khá thô lỗ. Vì vậy, có thể thể hiện vật lý của điều này là tôi sẽ cố gắng để đi nhanh qua cửa văn phòng của họ để họ không nói, chào, vì tôi không muốn tương tác. Và tôi không quen với việc cắt người ra khỏi cuộc sống của mình. Đúng. Tôi không quen với việc làm đó. Tôi không, tôi có vẻ không tin vào điều đó như một giá trị.
    Hãy tạm dừng một chút. Tôi sẽ cung cấp cho bạn một cái nhìn tổng quát về chúng ta đang ở đâu. Vậy chúng ta bắt đầu với người này, người đã xuất hiện với bạn, và đang cố gắng bảo vệ mối quan hệ đó bởi vì nếu bạn tiếp tục bị hiểu lầm về động cơ của mình, nó sẽ có ảnh hưởng. Có đúng không? Ừ. Ừ. Như một thành viên trong gia đình. Ừ. Không có gì quan trọng. Nhưng là một thành viên gia đình gần gũi. Đã hiểu. Ừ. Và khi khám phá phần này, hãy hỏi về điều nó sợ sẽ xảy ra nếu nó không làm như vậy. Vậy nên có phần khác có thể xuất hiện sẽ rất phán xét về thành viên gia đình đó và thực sự có thể có ảnh hưởng xấu đến mối quan hệ của bạn với người đó. Có đúng không? Đúng. Vậy nên chúng ta có hai, để nói đúng, thì có bạn đang nhận thức tất cả những điều này, mà chúng ta nên nói nhiều hơn về. Và sau đó, chúng ta có hai phần này mà có vẻ đang đối lập, nhưng một trong số đó, phần phán xét, bạn thực sự không thích. Và vì thế bạn thật sự cố gắng giữ nó ở xa. Và bạn cũng thán phục người này, nhưng bạn cũng biết rằng anh ta có thể cản trở đôi khi. Tất cả những điều đó nghe có đúng không? Ừ. Đúng vậy. Bởi vì tôi đang miêu tả một tình huống gần đây nơi sự hiện diện của con gấu teddy titan này, xin lỗi, tôi không biết tại sao điều đó khiến tôi cảm thấy thú vị khi nói điều đó. Hình dạng của một con gấu teddy, tôi không nhìn thấy một con gấu teddy ở đó, nhưng khoảng kích thước và hình dạng đó. Nó tạo ra một sự bảo vệ, nhưng cũng tạo ra một áp lực bên trong rất khó chịu. Thực sự tôi đã mất vài ngày để dẹp bỏ nó. Và tôi nghĩ rằng có phần nào đó ngược lại với cách tôi đang miêu tả điều này. Nó không ngăn cản tôi nói điều gì đó. Thực tế là nếu nó quá nhiều, thì gần như đó là lúc mà những từ ngữ bắt đầu phát ra và chúng không tốt. Vì vậy, nó không phải là một người bảo vệ thực sự theo nghĩa là nó ngăn cản tôi khỏi một hành động mà tôi không muốn thực hiện. Nó giống như, cảm giác như nó đang đẩy ra hết những thứ này. Và dĩ nhiên tôi có trách nhiệm về lời nói và hành động của mình. Tôi biết điều đó, nhưng nó thực sự cảm giác như nó chiếm lấy.
    Sure, here is the translation of the text into Vietnamese:
    Vâng.
    Đó là cách để diễn đạt điều đó.
    Vậy hãy, hãy cùng xem lại điều đó.
    Tôi rất biết ơn rằng bạn sẵn lòng trở nên dễ bị tổn thương như vậy và phơi bày những phần này.
    Chàng trai này, thực ra cả hai người họ có thể được gọi là những người lính cứu hỏa và rất phản ứng.
    Có thể còn một phần rất dễ bị tổn thương khác có liên quan ở đây mà chúng ta chưa nghe nói đến.
    Nhưng nếu tôi tiếp tục, chúng ta tiếp tục làm việc cùng nhau, tôi sẽ cố gắng xin phép để tiếp cận người đàn ông phán xét đó nữa.
    Và điều bạn sẽ thấy là anh ấy cũng là một người bảo vệ.
    Anh ấy không chỉ là một đống suy nghĩ tiêu cực về người khác.
    Và như tôi đã nghe trước đó, bạn đã dành rất nhiều thời gian trong cuộc sống của mình để cố gắng công bằng với mọi người và không phán xét họ, và để nhìn nhận họ.
    Điều mà họ làm chỉ là hành vi của họ và không phải là những gì họ thực sự là, điều đó thật tuyệt.
    Nhưng trong quá trình làm như vậy, đôi khi chúng ta buộc phải đẩy lùi những phần muốn phán xét và muốn căm ghét và v.v.
    Và điều tôi nhận thấy là nếu chúng ta có thể đến đó và tìm hiểu về chúng, chúng cũng chỉ là những người bảo vệ và chúng còn trẻ, và nếu chúng có thể giải tỏa được sự căm ghét và sự phán xét mà chúng có thể mang theo, chúng sẽ biến đổi.
    Vì vậy, đây là một mô hình biến đổi theo nghĩa đó và không có phần nào là xấu.
    Bạn đi đến từng người trong đó, bất kể bạn nghĩ như thế nào về họ, hay họ xấu như thế nào, và bạn tìm hiểu về họ và bạn học cách họ đang cố gắng bảo vệ.
    Và sau đó chúng ta giúp họ ra khỏi vai trò bảo vệ và giúp họ tin tưởng.
    Có một bạn mà bạn đã nói đến với Martha có thể điều hành mọi việc.
    Họ không cần phải làm điều đó vì hầu hết họ còn trẻ và hãy để họ tin tưởng vào bạn để xử lý thành viên trong gia đình của bạn thay vì họ phải tiếp quản hoặc cố gắng tiếp quản theo cách mà họ đã làm.
    Điều này có hợp lý không?
    Vâng.
    Nó hoàn toàn hợp lý.
    Bạn biết những gì bạn đã nói ở đầu, xin phép để tiếp cận phần phán xét.
    Tôi chỉ ở trong đầu mình khi tôi nghe thấy điều đó bay đến hai khả năng, một là một khả năng mới lạ, một là một khả năng quen thuộc.
    Khả năng quen thuộc là nếu tôi thực sự cảm thấy sự thất vọng mà tôi đang cảm thấy khi mẫu hình này ở người khác lại xuất hiện, vì ít nhất nó dường như như vậy, tôi rất quen thuộc với mẫu hình, thì nó sẽ thay đổi một cách căn bản cách mà tôi cảm thấy về họ.
    Đúng rồi.
    Giống như tôi đang cố gắng giữ lại điều tốt đẹp trong đó.
    Nhưng tất nhiên, tôi muốn làm cho rõ ràng, không chỉ cho bất kỳ ai nghe mà cho chính tôi nữa, rằng rõ ràng vai trò bảo vệ của con gấu bông titan này đã tạo ra điều gì đó mà ở những thời điểm khi mọi thứ đã vỡ ra từ phía tôi, chúng không tử tế.
    Và hoặc chúng được nói theo cách mà không mang tính xây dựng.
    Vì vậy, vâng, và sau đó khả năng thứ hai là tôi chưa xem xét khả năng này, nhưng khả năng thứ hai là nếu tôi để mình cảm nhận được sự thất vọng đó, thì có thể mối quan hệ có thể tiếp tục.
    Giống như tôi đã nhìn vào những điều đó như thể chúng là loại hình loại trừ nhau.
    Và khi tôi nói tất cả điều này, tôi cũng nhận ra rằng, ừm, lời tuyên bố trung thực là như, tôi không muốn tạo ấn tượng rằng tôi không phán xét mọi người, tôi là con người và tôi chắc chắn có.
    Tôi chỉ đang nói rằng khi có một mối quan hệ mà tôi muốn duy trì, tôi sẽ cố gắng rất nhiều để gạt bỏ kiến thức về kinh nghiệm của bản thân và/hoặc chỉ đơn giản là phán xét.
    Tôi đã tham gia vào mẫu hình này theo những cách mà công việc đã trở nên cực kỳ hủy hoại đối với tôi bằng cách hoàn toàn như đặt bẫy cho những điều ở ngay trước mắt tôi.
    Và đó là điều mà tôi đang nói đến.
    Có ý thức.
    Đó là điều mà tôi đang nói đến.
    Bởi vì tôi rất yêu mến người đó ở nhiều phương diện khác nhau, như vậy, bạn biết đấy, và bạn biết, không có từ nào tốt hơn, một cách tiếp cận toàn diện đối với mọi thứ.
    Nhưng tôi cũng sẽ nói rằng, trái ngược với những loại mối quan hệ cũ, những mối quan hệ mà không cần đến người bảo vệ titan đó cảm thấy với tôi.
    Vì vậy, như một sự so sánh, nhưng cũng trên thang tuyệt đối, cảm thấy với tôi như những mối quan hệ tốt nhất mà người ta có thể có.
    Chúng giống như những mối quan hệ khiến tôi muốn tự xác nhận, như tình bạn, một số mối quan hệ của tôi với gia đình, như với đồng nghiệp của tôi và cũng có những người khác.
    Tôi đã từng có những mối quan hệ lãng mạn như vậy, các mối quan hệ, mối quan hệ của tôi với chó của tôi, dù có thể người ta nghĩ rằng điều đó có vẻ tầm thường, nhưng sự tương phản của điều đó, như nơi không cần đến phần bảo vệ này, đó thật sự là điều tốt nhất bởi vì nó cảm thấy hoàn toàn an toàn và không bị cản trở.
    Tôi không bao giờ phải lo lắng rằng mình sẽ bị kiểm soát từ bên trong, cũng như tôi không bao giờ lo lắng rằng mình sẽ làm hỏng điều gì đó thực sự.
    Và tôi hy vọng rằng nếu tôi thực sự làm hỏng, họ sẽ nói với tôi, nhưng giống như, sự vắng mặt hoàn toàn của nỗi sợ hãi.
    Vì vậy, hãy để tôi kiểm tra và chỉ xem điều này đã diễn ra như thế nào để thảo luận và tập trung và v.v.
    Thực hiện quá trình này như thế nào?
    Nó rất nhiều theo nghĩa là tôi không thích cảm thấy con gấu bông titan đó.
    Nó đã rất thông tin.
    Vì vậy, nó được cân bằng bởi điều đó.
    Và có thể đó là lý do tại sao tôi đã đi vào một chút về những mối quan hệ dễ chịu và cách mà chúng rất tích cực đối với tôi.
    Chúng giống như một loại thuốc và một loại tinh chất cho tôi mà có thể tôi đã dành cho bản thân một chút như một cách rửa sạch điều đó vì nó khá khó chịu.
    Nhưng nó đã, nó thật sự thông tin và nó cũng cho tôi biết rằng công việc hệ thống gia đình nội tâm mà tôi đã làm với người khác là một nỗ lực vào điều này, nhưng rất khác biệt, điều này có ý nghĩa vì đây là nghệ thuật và khoa học của bạn.
    Vì vậy, tôi rất biết ơn.
    Vâng, vậy.
    Vâng, cảm thấy tốt.
    Những gì tôi đã nói trước đó là nếu chúng tôi tiếp tục, chúng tôi có thể đạt đến điểm mà chàng trai gấu bông có thể giải tỏa những cảm xúc mà anh ấy mang theo khiến mọi thứ thật khó chịu và anh ấy sẽ biến đổi.
    Làm thế nào tôi, làm thế nào chúng tôi có thể làm điều đó?
    Anh ấy sẽ tập trung vào chúng một lần nữa.
    Chúng tôi sẽ khám phá thêm những gì anh ấy đang bảo vệ.
    Hoặc chúng tôi sẽ đến với người mà anh ấy đang cố gắng giữ lại, người có thể phá hủy một mối quan hệ hoặc thường thì những phần này đang bảo vệ một điều gì đó dễ bị tổn thương hơn nhiều từ quá khứ của bạn.
    Một phần trẻ con nào đó đã mắc kẹt ở đâu đó trong quá khứ, có một vấn đề lớn về việc bị hiểu lầm liên quan đến động cơ hoặc điều gì đó. Đúng rồi. Và tôi không phải là người cần sự rõ ràng ngay bây giờ, nhưng điều này giống như bảo vệ khả năng tồn tại của một mối quan hệ. Đúng, tôi hiểu điều đó. Tôi nghĩ nỗi sợ hãi là nếu tôi nhìn từ góc độ sự thật của mình về những gì đã xảy ra hoặc đang xảy ra trong khoảnh khắc này, nếu tôi là một người có ranh giới tốt hơn, thì mọi thứ đã xong từ ngày hôm qua. Nhưng nó giống như một khao khát để sống trong một giấc mơ. Hiểu rồi. Ý tôi là, nếu tôi thành thật, thì đó sẽ là phần mà chúng ta sẽ đến để bảo vệ, phần có giấc mơ về việc một mối quan hệ nên như thế nào hoặc có thể như thế nào mà có thể mắc kẹt ở một đâu đó trong quá khứ. Và chúng ta sẽ, chúng ta sẽ chứng kiến, bạn biết đấy, bạn nói với Martha về việc làm chứng từ bi, chúng ta sẽ chứng kiến nơi anh ấy mắc kẹt và những gì đã xảy ra lúc đó. Rồi tôi sẽ để bạn vào trong và đưa anh ấy ra khỏi khoảng thời gian đó, sau đó chúng ta sẽ cho anh ấy tháo bỏ khao khát về giấc mơ đó mà khiến bạn bị tổn thương. Sau đó, tôi sẽ để bạn cho gấu teddy thấy rằng nó không cần phải bảo vệ anh ấy nữa. Và sau đó, chúng ta sẽ giúp gấu teddy tháo bỏ cảm xúc mà nó mang theo. Rồi anh ấy có thể thư giãn và họ sẽ bắt đầu tin tưởng bạn, điều mà chúng ta nên nói một chút bây giờ. Ai là bạn, người tách biệt khỏi những người khác này? Và để ghi chú, tôi thực sự chưa từng sở hữu một con gấu teddy nào khi còn nhỏ. Tôi có một con ếch nhồi bông. Tôi có một gấu teddy. À, tôi không cảm thấy xấu hổ, tôi có một con ếch nhồi bông mà tôi rất yêu thích và tôi sợ ếch. Nhưng tôi không biết tại sao lại nói về gấu teddy, nhưng hình dạng của nó thật rõ ràng. Hãy để tôi giải thích thêm về điều tôi vừa nói, bởi vì khi bạn tách biệt khỏi anh ấy và bạn tìm thấy anh ấy ở đây, và tôi đã hỏi bạn cảm thấy thế nào với anh ấy, và lúc đầu bạn có một thái độ về anh ấy, nhớ rằng chúng tôi đã khiến điều đó thư giãn và bạn đã trở nên tò mò về anh ấy. Sau đó, bạn bắt đầu tiếp cận nhiều hơn về những gì tôi gọi là bản thân của bạn với chữ S viết hoa. Vì vậy, nó đến từ sự tò mò, và thường bắt đầu từ sự tò mò. Và chỉ cần quay ngược lại một chút. Vì vậy, khi tôi có những khách hàng này ở những ngày đầu, bắt đầu làm việc với những phần này, chẳng hạn như phần chỉ trích và vân vân. Một khi tôi nhận ra rằng chúng không giống như vẻ bề ngoài, rằng chúng xứng đáng được lắng nghe thay vì bị chiến đấu. Vì vậy, tôi đã giúp những phần ghét chúng bước ra và khách hàng có thể làm điều đó tương đối dễ dàng. Và sau đó tôi sẽ hỏi, bây giờ bạn cảm thấy thế nào với phần chỉ trích này và tự nhiên, mọi người sẽ nói tôi chỉ tò mò về lý do nó gọi tên tôi hoặc thậm chí sẽ nói tôi cảm thấy tiếc cho nó vì nó phải làm điều này, tôi sẽ giúp nó. Và khi họ ở trong trạng thái đó, tôi sẽ hỏi phần nào của bạn là điều đó, điều đó tuyệt vời, hãy giữ lại. Họ sẽ nói đó không phải là một phần như những phần khác, đó là tôi, đó là bản chất của tôi, hoặc đó là bản thân của tôi. Vì vậy, tôi đã đặt tên cho điều đó là bản thân với chữ S viết hoa. 40 năm sau, hàng nghìn người làm điều này trên khắp thế giới, hóa ra bản thân đó có trong mọi người. Chỉ cần dưới bề mặt của những phần này, vì vậy khi họ mở ra không gian, bạn có thể tiếp cận nó nhanh chóng, và chúng có tất cả những phẩm chất tuyệt vời, mà tôi gọi là tám chữ C. Vì vậy, tò mò, nhưng cũng bình tĩnh, tự tin, từ bi, dũng cảm, rõ ràng, sáng tạo và kết nối. Và người đó biết cách chữa lành những phần này. Vì vậy, một khi tôi đưa ai đó vào nhiều những gì mà chúng tôi gọi là bản thân, tôi sẽ chỉ nói, được rồi, bạn muốn nói gì với phần này, và nó phản ứng ra sao, và bây giờ bạn muốn làm gì với phần đó? Tôi có thể bước ra một bên. Và một trong những dấu ấn của IFS so với nhiều liệu pháp khác là nó không phải chỉ về việc tôi trở thành, bạn biết đấy, nhân vật gắn bó tốt cho những phần tổn thương của bạn, những đứa trẻ bên trong này, bạn trở thành điều đó. Bạn trở thành nhân vật gắn bó tốt chính bạn, hoặc người cha nội tâm tốt, hoặc nhà lãnh đạo nội tâm tốt cho những phần này, và họ bắt đầu tin tưởng bạn như một nhà lãnh đạo, và sau đó bạn sẽ vào cuộc với thành viên trong gia đình của bạn, và bạn chỉ cần nhắc nhở phần đó, không, tôi có thể xử lý điều này. Chỉ cần để tôi ở lại. Và bây giờ khi điều đó xảy ra với vợ tôi, đôi khi không phải vào ngày tốt, tôi có thể giữ được những phẩm chất của chữ C và có một cuộc trò chuyện hoàn toàn khác với cô ấy, hơn là nếu người bảo vệ kiểm soát. Tôi muốn tạm dừng một chút và cảm ơn nhà tài trợ của chúng ta, AG1. AG1 là một thức uống vitamin khoáng probiotic tất cả trong một với adaptogens. Tôi đã uống AG1 hàng ngày từ năm 2012, vì vậy tôi rất vui mừng khi họ tài trợ cho podcast này. Lý do tôi bắt đầu uống AG1, và lý do tôi vẫn uống AG1 là vì nó là chất bổ sung dinh dưỡng nền tảng chất lượng cao nhất và đầy đủ nhất. Điều đó có nghĩa là AG1 đảm bảo rằng bạn nhận được tất cả các vitamin, khoáng chất và các vi chất dinh dưỡng cần thiết để tạo ra một nền tảng vững chắc cho sức khỏe hàng ngày của bạn. AG1 cũng có probiotics và prebiotics hỗ trợ một hệ vi sinh đường ruột khỏe mạnh. Hệ vi sinh đường ruột của bạn bao gồm hàng triệu vi sinh vật trải dài trên đường tiêu hóa của bạn và ảnh hưởng đến những thứ như tình trạng hệ miễn dịch, sức khỏe trao đổi chất, sức khỏe hormone, và nhiều hơn nữa. Vì vậy, tôi đã liên tục nhận thấy rằng khi tôi uống AG1 hàng ngày, tiêu hóa của tôi được cải thiện, hệ miễn dịch của tôi mạnh mẽ hơn, và tâm trạng cũng như sự tập trung tinh thần của tôi ở mức tốt nhất. Thực tế, nếu tôi có thể chỉ uống một loại bổ sung, thì đó sẽ là AG1. Nếu bạn muốn thử AG1, bạn có thể truy cập drinkag1.com/huberman để nhận ưu đãi đặc biệt. Họ sẽ tặng bạn năm gói du lịch miễn phí cộng với một năm cung cấp vitamin D3K2 với đơn hàng của bạn về AG1. Một lần nữa, hãy truy cập drinkag1.com/huberman để nhận ưu đãi đặc biệt. Tập hôm nay cũng được mang đến cho chúng ta bởi Wealthfront. Tôi đã sử dụng Wealthfront cho việc tiết kiệm và đầu tư của mình gần một thập kỷ, và tôi thực sự yêu thích nó. Vào đầu mỗi năm, tôi đặt ra những mục tiêu mới, và một trong những mục tiêu của tôi cho năm 2025 là tập trung vào việc tiết kiệm tiền.
    Kể từ khi tôi sử dụng Wealthfront, tôi sẽ giữ khoản tiết kiệm đó trong tài khoản tiền mặt của Wealthfront, nơi tôi có thể kiếm được 4% lợi suất hàng năm trên số tiền gửi của mình, và bạn cũng có thể như vậy. Với Wealthfront, bạn có thể kiếm được 4% APY trên tiền mặt của bạn từ các ngân hàng đối tác cho đến khi bạn sẵn sàng chi tiêu số tiền đó hoặc đầu tư vào nó. Với Wealthfront, bạn cũng nhận được giao dịch rút tiền nhanh miễn phí đến các tài khoản đủ điều kiện hàng ngày, ngay cả trong cuối tuần và ngày lễ. Lãi suất 4% APY không phải là một tỷ lệ khuyến mãi và không có giới hạn về số tiền bạn có thể gửi và kiếm được. Thậm chí bạn còn có thể nhận được bảo vệ lên đến 8 triệu đô la thông qua bảo hiểm FDIC được cung cấp qua các ngân hàng đối tác của Wealthfront. Wealthfront cung cấp cho bạn các giao dịch rút tiền nhanh miễn phí, nơi chỉ mất vài phút để chuyển tiền của bạn đến các tài khoản bên ngoài đủ điều kiện. Nó cũng chỉ mất vài phút để chuyển tiền mặt của bạn từ tài khoản tiền mặt sang bất kỳ tài khoản đầu tư tự động nào của Wealthfront khi bạn sẵn sàng đầu tư. Hiện đã có một triệu người sử dụng Wealthfront để tiết kiệm nhiều hơn, kiếm nhiều hơn và xây dựng tài sản lâu dài. Hãy kiếm 4% APY trên tiền mặt của bạn hôm nay. Nếu bạn muốn thử Wealthfront, hãy truy cập Wealthfront.com/Huberman để nhận khoản thưởng 50 đô la miễn phí với khoản tiền gửi 500 đô la vào tài khoản tiền mặt đầu tiên của bạn. Đó là Wealthfront.com/Huberman để bắt đầu ngay bây giờ. Đây là một bài giới thiệu được trả phí của Wealthfront. Wealthfront không phải là một ngân hàng. APY có thể thay đổi. Để biết thêm thông tin, xem mô tả tập phim.
    Tôi bị ấn tượng bởi một vài điều mà tôi nghĩ mọi người, nếu tôi có thể, nên suy nghĩ. Một điều là, trong mô hình tâm lý học động lực học cổ điển hoặc mô hình CBT, rõ ràng rằng mối quan hệ giữa khách hàng hoặc bệnh nhân, đôi khi được gọi là mối quan hệ bệnh nhân-therapist, là một mối quan hệ mà nó tiếp nhận những thành phần nhất định tồn tại trong thế giới bên ngoài với những người khác. Nó luôn khiến tôi cảm thấy hơi bận tâm/lo lắng về cấu trúc đó. Như bạn đã nói, trong IFS (Hệ thống Gia đình Nội tâm), bạn trở thành nhà trị liệu của chính mình, nếu bạn muốn, để nói một cách giản dị, tôi thích điều đó bởi vì có rất nhiều cuộc thảo luận ngày nay về việc nuôi dạy bản thân và những thứ tương tự như vậy và học cách chăm sóc bản thân. Tôi thực sự nghĩ rằng điều đó rất có giá trị. Tôi đã học cách nấu ăn và dọn dẹp cho bản thân khi sống một mình. Những điều này, tôi đang liên kết đến những khuôn mẫu, nhưng cũng để bảo vệ bản thân và tổ chức bản thân và rất, rất kỷ luật, thực sự việc điều hành một phòng thí nghiệm là một bài học rất lớn ở đó vì bạn về cơ bản là một bậc phụ huynh học thuật đơn lẻ cho tất cả những người này. Bạn nhanh chóng nhận ra nơi bạn thiếu bản năng làm mẹ và nơi bạn có thể thiếu hoặc nhấn mạnh quá mức hoặc có tình trạng phát triển quá mức. Bản năng làm mẹ, vì vậy đó là một diễn đàn tốt để thấy những điểm yếu của tôi và hy vọng cũng có một số điểm mạnh. Tôi thích ý tưởng rằng một người có thể đóng những vai trò đó cho chính mình.
    IFS thường được thực hiện như thế nào nếu ai đó không có quyền truy cập vào một nhà trị liệu chuyên gia về nó, hoặc đó có phải là cách duy nhất chính xác để tiếp cận nó không? Không. Bởi vì tôi ngồi đây với bậc thầy, người sáng lập, và tôi rất biết ơn, nhân tiện, cho công việc mà chúng tôi vừa thực hiện. Cảm ơn bạn. Nó cảm thấy tốt. Như một đặc quyền. Cảm ơn bạn. Vâng. Nhưng hầu hết mọi người sẽ không có quyền truy cập trực tiếp một đối một với bạn. Nó rất trải nghiệm. Tôi tưởng tượng trong các cuốn sách và khóa học, mọi người có thể học cách làm điều này, và nhân tiện, đây không phải là một ý tưởng được dự kiến trước như một lời giới thiệu cho các cuốn sách và khóa học, nhưng tôi đang tự hỏi, liệu ai đó có thể làm điều này một mình lần đầu tiên không? Vâng. Đó là điều tôi muốn biết. Vì vậy, trong một thời gian dài, tôi đã kháng cự việc cố gắng tiếp cận điều này trực tiếp đến công chúng vì tôi đã học được theo cách khó khăn rằng một số hệ thống, đặc biệt là những người có lượng chấn thương lớn, rất khó khăn. Và nếu bạn bắt đầu đi đến phần mà chúng ta đã nói là mong manh bên trong, có cái nhìn về các mối quan hệ, cái nhìn lý tưởng hóa về mối quan hệ của bạn, sẽ là điều mà tôi gọi là một kẻ bị lưu đày, nếu chúng ta đi đến điều đó, và hôm nay chúng ta sẽ không vì nó yêu cầu rất nhiều sự mong manh, nhưng nếu chúng ta thực sự làm như vậy, rất nhiều người bảo vệ cực đoan có thể xuất hiện, và sau đó mọi người bắt đầu cảm thấy sợ hãi. Vì vậy, đã mất rất nhiều thời gian để tìm ra cách chúng tôi có thể mang điều này đến công chúng một cách an toàn hơn. Và vì vậy, chúng tôi vừa mới phát hành một cuốn sách hướng dẫn cho mọi người, và nó không nhất thiết phải đi đến những nơi đó, nhưng có rất nhiều điều bạn có thể làm chỉ bằng cách làm việc theo cách mà chúng tôi đã bắt đầu làm với những người bảo vệ này và làm quen với họ và biết rằng họ không phải là bạn, họ chỉ là một phần đang cố gắng tốt nhất, và biết rằng đó không phải là một điều gì tiêu cực. Phần phán xét mà bạn có thái độ về hoặc lo sợ, nếu bạn chỉ bắt đầu trở nên tò mò về nó và làm quen với nó một chút, bạn sẽ phát hiện rằng đó là một phần rất quý giá, có nhiều sự thấu đáo, như bạn đã nói, và khao khát mạnh mẽ để giữ bạn khỏi những mối quan hệ như vậy mà bạn sẽ bị tổn thương, và nó rất phán xét vì bạn không lắng nghe nó. Bạn có theo những gì tôi đang nói không? Tôi có. Trên thực tế, có điều gì đó xuất hiện trong đầu tôi, có thể tôi có thể hỏi bạn về điều đó. Tâm trí tôi đúng về những gì bạn đang nói, nhưng có điều gì đó đã xảy ra khi bạn nói nó, đó là, nếu tôi thực sự cảm nhận được cảm giác, ơi, điều đó thật sự khá tồi tệ hoặc thực sự cảm thấy sự thất vọng hoặc phán xét mà chú gấu titan này đang cố gắng bảo vệ, tôi nhận ra điều đó dẫn đến rất nhiều sự nhầm lẫn về vai trò và sự nhầm lẫn về danh tính. Đúng vậy. Có lẽ không phải là điều tốt nhất để làm trong một podcast, nhưng tôi sẽ làm điều đó anyway, đó là, đây là cách tôi cảm nhận về chính trị hiện đại. Tôi thấy những điều bên trái mà làm tôi thấy hợp lý, và những điều với tôi thật sự là vô lý, không phù hợp và xúc phạm, và thực sự sai lầm. Tôi thấy những điều bên phải mà làm tôi thấy hợp lý, và cũng có những điều không thích hợp, xúc phạm và sai lầm.
    Kết quả là, tôi đang cố gắng để nhìn thấy điều tốt đẹp ở cả hai phía và chỉ tạo ra một mô hình phô mai Thụy Sĩ về thế giới, nói về chính trị, vì nó đơn giản hơn để làm như vậy, và ít nhất mọi người biết những nhóm mà chúng tôi đang nói đến, nhưng điều đó khiến tôi ở trong một vị trí không thuộc về ai cả, và tôi thì đứng giữa hai thái độ, một thái độ chỉ đứng đó như kiểu, vâng, thì không có vị trí thực sự nào ở giữa mà là một vị trí chính thức ở giữa, nhưng nó cũng khiến tôi chỉ muốn giơ ngón giữa cả hai bên, và nói rằng tôi là một người ghét cả hai, nhưng tất nhiên, tôi là một người trưởng thành và là một công dân quan tâm đến mọi người trong đất nước này, vì vậy tôi cảm thấy để trở thành một người trưởng thành, tôi không thể rút lui, nhưng tôi cảm thấy không thuộc về ai cả. Tôi cảm thấy như không có lựa chọn nào cho mình, và điều này phù hợp khá tốt với những gì tôi nghĩ về sự nhầm lẫn trong danh tính và vai trò mà tôi cảm thấy khi tôi đặt tư tưởng của mình, một lần nữa, hiểu sự thật là một điều phức tạp, nhưng phán xét của tôi về mọi việc và con người như kiểu, vậy thì vai trò của tôi với tư cách là một người con là gì? Vai trò của tôi với tư cách là một người bạn đời là gì? Vai trò của tôi nếu điều này là đúng? Và vì vậy, đây là một cách mà tôi nhận ra để bảo vệ tính đơn giản của một vai trò. Và tôi đã lớn lên trong một ngôi nhà mà các vai trò như kiểu, bạn là con trai, bạn làm những điều nhất định, như kiểu, bạn biết đấy, bạn làm, bạn biết đấy, và vì vậy, nhưng tôi cũng có một phần nổi loạn bên trong mình. Vậy nên sự nhầm lẫn vai trò là điều mà tôi hình dung có rất nhiều người quen thuộc. Và khi một người, tôi cũng tin rằng khi bạn thực sự nói, ừ, họ đã làm một điều xấu, vì vậy, tất cả đều xấu, do đó, tôi là một phần của đội ngược lại, thì đối với tôi, đó là một cuộc sống không được sống. Vậy nên điều đó giống như một tình huống gay go, nhưng tôi thấy nhiều người làm điều đó. Và thực sự đôi khi tôi ghen tị với những người có khả năng đó vì họ dường như rất không gặp xung đột. Vì vậy, thật khó khăn khi là một người biết suy nghĩ, cảm nhận ở mức độ tinh vi. Đôi khi nó thật tồi tệ. Tôi thà làm điều đó hơn là trở thành một người ghét cả hai hoặc chỉ đơn giản là quyết định tham gia. Điều đó có ý nghĩa không? Nó có lẽ có ý nghĩa. Được rồi. Và điều tôi nghe được là khi bạn nhìn vào một người hoặc một đảng chính trị hay một vấn đề nào đó trong thế giới, bạn nghe từ những phần mâu thuẫn này, họ mỗi người đều có một quan điểm giống như đất nước của chúng ta bây giờ, cũng nghe từ những phần mâu thuẫn đó. Nhưng bạn không có nhiều quyền truy cập vào điều mà tôi đang gọi là bản thân trong những bối cảnh đó. Vì vậy, một trong những từ C mà tôi đang nói đến là sự rõ ràng. Vậy nên một lần nữa, khi tôi lắng nghe bạn và Martha, bạn đang nói về việc có những lúc bạn chỉ cảm nhận được trong cơ thể mình những gì đúng hay những gì thật. Đó là điều mà tôi gọi là bản thân, bản thân có sự rõ ràng và bản thân thấy bất công và bản thân, một số từ C đó là sự can đảm, tự tin và sự rõ ràng. Vậy nên có một động lực cũng để hành động, để điều chỉnh sự mất cân bằng, để điều chỉnh bất công cũng vậy. Bản thân không phải là một loại nhân chứng thụ động như trong nhiều truyền thống tâm linh và IFS. Đó là một hành động của lãnh đạo bên trong, là một hành động của lãnh đạo bên ngoài. Và quá thường xuyên, hành động của chúng ta bị điều khiển bởi những phần bảo vệ này. Và điều đó đúng trong chính trị của chúng ta bây giờ. Một trong những mục tiêu của tôi là cố gắng mang lại nhiều sự lãnh đạo bản thân hơn cho thế giới, cho những xung đột này. Nhưng để làm được điều đó, mọi người phải gỡ bỏ gánh nặng, họ phải thả lỏng những niềm tin và cảm xúc cực đoan mà họ nhận được từ những chấn thương trong quá khứ. Chúng tôi có một khái niệm mà chúng tôi gọi là gánh nặng di sản. Có rất nhiều người đã thừa hưởng những niềm tin và cảm xúc cực đoan này, chúng đã được truyền từ tổ tiên của họ và điều khiển các phần của họ, thúc đẩy sự cực đoan của họ. Và nhiều xung đột trong thế giới được thúc đẩy bởi những gánh nặng di sản này. Và chúng tôi đã trở nên thành thạo trong việc giúp mọi người gỡ bỏ những điều đó. Và chúng tôi đã thấy điều này ở Trung Đông gần đây. Hoàn toàn đúng. Và chúng tôi đang làm nhiều công việc ở Trung Đông. Vì vậy, chúng tôi có các chương trình đào tạo ở đó. Và một trong những tầm nhìn của tôi là thực hiện những sự gỡ bỏ di sản quy mô lớn, nơi các nhóm lớn người tụ họp lại và chúng tôi giúp họ gỡ bỏ những gánh nặng di sản của Holocaust ở một bên và gánh nặng di sản năm 1941 ở phía bên Palestine. Và có nhiều bản thân hơn có thể tiếp cận về mỗi bên. Và khi chúng tôi làm liệu pháp đôi, chúng tôi thực hiện các loại xung đột được thương lượng khác. Nếu các phần của mọi người bắt đầu tham gia vào nó, chúng tôi sẽ chỉ nói tạm dừng. Bạn đã làm điều này một mình với một thành viên trong gia đình của bạn. Chỉ cần nói tạm dừng, muốn cả hai bạn vào bên trong, tìm những phần mà đã nói chuyện. Đừng quay lại cho đến khi bạn có thể nói thay cho chúng, nhưng không từ chúng. Và quay lại với những phẩm chất từ C này và trạng thái của bản thân. Nếu chúng tôi có thể giữ mọi người trong điều đó, thật dễ dàng để thoát khỏi xung đột. Nếu các phần bảo vệ của họ liên tục đối đầu, xung đột sẽ không bao giờ thay đổi. Bạn có nghĩ rằng những người có phản xạ hoặc khả năng hơi somatic hóa một chút không? Tôi không nghĩ mình là một người có tâm lý soma, tôi không bị đau bụng và đau đầu và những thứ tương tự trừ khi tôi bị mắc virus, nhưng tôi có thể cảm nhận rất nhanh nơi mà một số thứ đang diễn ra trong cơ thể mình và luôn như vậy. Bạn có nghĩ rằng IFS phù hợp hơn với những người cảm nhận mọi thứ somatic hơn là với những người thực sự trí thức và chỉ nằm trong đầu của họ không? Bởi vì tôi cũng có yếu tố đó, tôi thực sự có thể cảm nhận được sự chuyển đổi. Tôi làm điều đó qua việc, tôi sẽ vào một câu chuyện, và sau đó tôi bắt đầu thấy cấu trúc như ở đây, và… Vâng, điều đó xảy ra nhiều lần khi chúng ta làm việc cùng nhau. Như tôi sẽ có bạn ở lại với một cái gì đó và sau đó phần người kể chuyện sẽ xuất hiện và sau đó tôi sẽ cố gắng định hình lại bạn. Nhưng tôi đã sống ở Boston trong 10 năm, vì vậy tôi đã làm việc với rất nhiều người trí thức không biết cơ thể của họ, những người chỉ đang chạy đua để cố gắng đạt được vị trí trường và như thế. Ở đó. Có, tôi cũng vậy. Vâng. Mười năm thật tuyệt, nhưng người ta nên chăm sóc các tế bào cảm xúc của họ khi họ theo đuổi điều đó. Nhưng chỉ để trả lời câu hỏi của bạn, họ có thể làm được, nhưng trước tiên chúng tôi cần bắt đầu với phần suy nghĩ đó và làm cho nó tham gia và để cho nó bước ra và chỉ ở ngoài đủ lâu để họ có thể cảm nhận cơ thể của mình.
    Vâng, điều đó phù hợp với bất kỳ ai, nhưng với những người như vậy, cần một khoảng thời gian để phần tư duy tin tưởng rằng an toàn khi cho phép họ vào cơ thể của họ.
    Vì vậy, chúng ta chỉ cần lùi lại một chút và thực hiện một tóm tắt khái quát về quá trình này.
    Một người mang đến một ký ức, có thể là ký ức gần đây hoặc xa xôi, về một điều gì đó khiến họ cảm thấy không tốt và bạn cố gắng xác định một cảm giác nào đó trong cơ thể, để cảm nhận vị trí của nó.
    Hãy để tôi tạm dừng ở đây.
    Tôi sẽ cho bạn biết lý do.
    Vâng.
    Bởi vì nếu họ tìm thấy cảm giác đó trong cơ thể của mình và họ hướng câu hỏi đến đó và chờ đợi để nhận được câu trả lời từ đó, họ sẽ ít có khả năng bị cuốn vào suy nghĩ.
    Vì vậy, nó như thể rút ngắn phần tư duy lại và nhiều người đến liệu pháp vì phần tư duy nghĩ rằng nó phải làm liệu pháp.
    Đó là CBT hay bất kỳ cái gì khác, thậm chí cả nhiều liệu pháp tâm lý không thực nghiệm, nhưng là nhiều liệu pháp tâm lý động, phần tư duy thực sự cố gắng giải thích lý do tại sao họ cảm thấy những điều đó.
    Vì vậy, điều này giúp họ ra khỏi điều đó và thực sự lắng nghe bên trong những gì họ nghĩ là cơ thể của họ, nhưng thực ra là những phần này sống ở dưới đó mà họ chưa có quyền truy cập vì phần tư duy đang điều hành mọi thứ quá nhiều.
    Hiểu rồi.
    Và sau đó, một người đặt một chút sự chú ý từ góc độ tò mò, họ như thể, “Có gì ở đó? Nó đang cố gắng nói gì?”
    Đúng rồi.
    Và sau đó bạn bắt đầu tiết lộ các lớp ẩn sâu bên dưới mà nó đang bảo vệ, những điều nào đang cố gắng nói ra?
    Vâng.
    Ngay cả khi bạn không cố gắng tiết lộ, chỉ là bạn đang hỏi những câu hỏi này và các câu trả lời bắt đầu xuất hiện.
    Tôi thấy rồi.
    Ôi, tôi thích điều này vì tôi là một người tin tưởng lớn vào việc gieo hạt giống cho tâm vô thức và sau đó để mọi thứ nổi lên, có thể trong giấc ngủ hoặc trong các trạng thái thiền định, hoặc có phải là hệ thống gia đình nội tâm đã kết hợp với một số liệu pháp hiện đang được thử nghiệm trong giai đoạn thử nghiệm lâm sàng xung quanh các chất thần kinh hay không?
    Vâng.
    Trên thực tế, hai ngày trước, chúng tôi vừa hoàn thành một khóa retreat IFS và ketamine.
    Ôi, tuyệt vời.
    Vì vậy, chúng tôi đã mời 32 nhà lãnh đạo thuộc đủ loại đến, và có ba ngày họ sử dụng ketamine và sau đó làm IFS.
    Điều tuyệt vời về các chất thần kinh là nó khiến các phần quản lý đó ngủ thiếp đi một cách nào đó khá nhiều lần.
    Vâng.
    Tôi đã cởi mở về thực tế và tôi luôn phải cung cấp thông tin miễn trừ.
    Tôi không chỉ nói điều này để bảo vệ bản thân.
    Tôi nói điều này để bảo vệ những người nghe rằng tôi thực sự nghĩ rằng người trẻ nên tránh xa các chất thần kinh.
    Bộ não của họ đã ở trong một trạng thái thần kinh.
    Mức độ dẻo của nó, và điều này thực sự rất tuyệt vời.
    Và đây là từ một người mà tôi hối tiếc, nhưng tôi đã dùng các chất thần kinh một cách giải trí khi còn là một đứa trẻ.
    Tôi cũng vậy.
    Và tôi hối tiếc.
    Tôi đã trở lại với chúng sau đó trong một môi trường lâm sàng và tôi nghĩ đã nhận được rất nhiều lợi ích từ chúng.
    Cụ thể, psilocybin liều cao và MDMA.
    Nhưng cả hai đều vẫn rất nhiều là bất hợp pháp.
    Bạn có thể gặp rất nhiều rắc rối khi sử dụng chúng và/hoặc chắc chắn là với việc bán chúng.
    Vì vậy, đó là lưu ý cảnh báo ở đó.
    Và các thử nghiệm lâm sàng thực sự rất ấn tượng, theo ý kiến của tôi, cực kỳ ấn tượng, đặc biệt là với MDMA và trong điều trị PTSD.
    Nhưng FDA năm ngoái đã không phê duyệt MDMA như một phương pháp điều trị cho PTSD.
    Tôi nghĩ rằng trong tương lai dưới chính quyền mới, có khả năng nó sẽ được phê duyệt, nhưng ai mà biết được?
    Ai mà biết?
    Vì vậy, đó là một đống từ ngữ pháp lý, nhưng nó là chân thành.
    Nếu tôi là một người 18 hoặc 19 tuổi hoặc 30 tuổi đang nghe một cuộc trò chuyện về các chất thần kinh và cách chúng có thể hữu ích, tôi cũng muốn biết rằng có những trường hợp mà người ta sử dụng chúng mà không có sự hướng dẫn phù hợp trong và qua nó và ra khỏi nó.
    Và điều đó dẫn đến những vấn đề nghiêm trọng.
    Vì vậy, đây là một điều thực sự mà chúng ta đang nói đến.
    Đó là lý do tại sao những phòng khám caramene nơi họ chỉ đưa cho họ thuốc và liệu pháp và để họ tự mình là điều đáng sợ đối với tôi.
    Tôi tự hào nói rằng IFS đã được áp dụng như một trong những mô hình chính cho các chất thần kinh hiện nay.
    Tuyệt quá.
    Bởi vì nó thực sự rất phù hợp.
    Như tôi đã nói trước đó, điều tôi thường thấy xảy ra, không phải lúc nào cũng vậy, là những phần quản lý này tạm ngừng hoạt động và điều đó giải phóng rất nhiều bản thân.
    Vì vậy, bạn bắt đầu cảm nhận những phẩm chất C này đang nổi lên.
    Và đó là một lời mời lớn đến tất cả những phần lưu đày này để đến và nhận sự chú ý.
    Và vì vậy khi mọi người trở ra từ trải nghiệm caramene, tôi có thể làm việc với họ trong 15 phút và làm một điều mà có thể mất đến năm phiên, vì họ có thể tiếp cận những phần mà họ không thể tiếp cận hoặc sẽ mất nhiều thời gian để thuyết phục những người bảo vệ của họ cho phép chúng tôi đi đến và chúng tôi có thể giải tỏa những người lưu đày đó và sau đó đưa các người bảo vệ của họ trở lại.
    Vì vậy, tôi yêu thích điều đó và caramene là loại hợp pháp, đó là lý do tại sao chúng tôi thực hiện nó.
    Và điều tốt đẹp khác, và tôi không biết với tư cách là một nhà khoa học bạn sẽ đi bao xa với điều này, nhưng caramene, một lần nữa, vì nó mở cánh cửa với những người bảo vệ này, bạn cũng có thể nếm thử điều mà tôi gọi là cái tôi lớn.
    Bạn nếm thử điều mà họ gọi là trạng thái không nhị nguyên có thể rất hạnh phúc và một số người hướng đến Chúa và sau đó khi bạn quay trở lại, bạn cảm nhận mình hơn nhiều so với cơ thể nhỏ bé này và cái tôi nhỏ bé này, rằng có một điều gì đó lớn lao hơn và đó là lý do tại sao họ đang sử dụng nó trong những giờ phút cuối của cuộc đời và lý do mà psilocybin có tác động lớn đến trầm cảm, vì nó như thể kéo bạn ra khỏi cái hộp nhỏ mà những người bảo vệ của bạn đang giam giữ bạn để bạn biết rằng có điều gì đó lớn hơn nhiều.
    Thú vị quá, tôi chưa bao giờ thử caramene vài năm trước và tôi đã nói về điều này công khai như vậy.
    Tôi bắt đầu phát triển một mối quan hệ khá sâu sắc với tâm linh và Chúa, chủ yếu thông qua con đường từ bỏ kiểm soát.
    Tin tức nóng hổi, các bạn ạ, bạn không thể kiểm soát mọi thứ và bạn có thể kiểm soát một số thứ, nhưng hầu hết các thứ thì không.
    Cách bạn mô tả caramene rất thú vị bởi vì như một loại thuốc gây mê phân ly, nó hoạt động theo cách hoàn toàn khác so với MDMA, một loại empathogen khiến mọi người cảm thấy nhiều hơn. Tôi có thể nửa đùa nửa thật rằng, ngoài những vấn đề về an toàn và tính hợp pháp thì mối quan tâm của tôi về MDMA là nếu bạn không sử dụng mặt nạ mắt, không có ai hướng dẫn bạn qua trải nghiệm và ghi chép lại, nếu bạn nghe một bản nhạc jazz, nhạc cổ điển hoặc album rock and roll yêu thích của bạn, hay bạn ở đó với chó, mèo hoặc cây cỏ của bạn, thì tôi nghĩ bạn có thể dành cả bốn giờ để kết nối với cây cỏ.
    Bạn không có khả năng chạy đi và kết hôn với một cái cây, bạn sẽ không cố gắng giao hợp với một cái cây, nhưng đó là một tình huống rất quý giá nhưng cũng rất dễ bị biến đổi vì nó là một empathogen mạnh đến mức bất kể bạn tập trung vào điều gì, nội tâm hay bên ngoài, đều sẽ bùng nổ. Vì vậy, bạn phải thật sự cẩn thận. Và với việc các vấn đề về neurotoxicity có vẻ như đã được giải quyết, nếu thật sự là MDMA và không phải là những chất khác, mà theo đó, nghiên cứu lớn cho thấy neurotoxicity của MDMA ở linh trưởng không người đã phát hiện ra họ đang tiêm methamphetamine, đúng vậy, bài báo đó đã bị thu hồi, nó được công bố trong tạp chí Science, chúng tôi sẽ cung cấp liên kết tới bài báo và thông tin về việc thu hồi đó.
    Việc thu hồi không được quảng bá như những nghiên cứu ban đầu, methylene dioxide, methamphetamine, MDMA không được chứng minh là neurotoxic, miễn là đó là những gì mọi người đang sử dụng và không phải là sự kết hợp với những chất khác. Đúng là một bi kịch thực sự khi những việc thu hồi không nhận được sự quan tâm từ truyền thông phổ biến như các nghiên cứu ban đầu, bất kể nghiên cứu ban đầu có tích cực hay tiêu cực.
    Dù sao đi nữa, tôi tin rằng có những cách khác để làm dịu não trước trong bối cảnh thực hiện loại công việc này mà tôi rất muốn biết ý kiến của bạn về. Khi tôi mới tỉnh dậy vào buổi sáng, tôi ở trong một trạng thái liminal, nhưng điều mà tôi không muốn nghĩ đến lại cứ hiện lên trong tâm trí, tôi không thể tránh khỏi, giống như các người bảo vệ không có mặt, họ vẫn đang ngủ, vì vậy điều đó có vẻ quý giá.
    Gần đây, tôi đã cố gắng giữ cho mắt nhắm lại, đôi khi tôi sẽ dậy và đi vào nhà vệ sinh, nhưng vẫn giữ mắt nhắm, ở trong trạng thái tĩnh lặng đó và khám phá những đường nét của điều đó. Miễn là nó được thực hiện một cách an toàn và không ở gần nước, bài tập thở hyperventilation theo chu kỳ được thực hiện trong vài phút hoặc chu kỳ có thể thay đổi hoạt động não của não trước, có thể làm lệch một chút.
    Tất cả những điều này đều làm cho các người quản lý ngủ. Khi bạn đi ngủ, các người quản lý sẽ đi ngủ và sau đó bạn sẽ có những giấc mơ kỳ quái, và đó là vì các người bị đày đã có quyền truy cập vào tâm trí của bạn và họ đang cố gắng đưa cho bạn tín hiệu về những gì họ muốn.
    Một điều khác mà tôi sẽ nói về psychedelics và việc thở cũng là khi các người quản lý của bạn đi ngủ và các người bị đày bắt đầu vào cuộc, nó có thể có vẻ thực sự đáng sợ vì những phần này thường bị mắc kẹt ở những nơi khủng khiếp với rất nhiều nỗi sợ hãi, vì vậy cái gọi là trip tồi tệ là chúng đang cố gắng thu hút sự chú ý. Họ sẽ vào và hoàn toàn chiếm ưu thế, và bạn có vẻ như đang có một cơn hoảng sợ. Nhưng điều chúng tôi đã học được và điều này đã xảy ra vài lần vào tuần trước là thay vì nghĩ nó như một cơn hoảng sợ hoặc một trip tồi tệ, hãy chào đón nó, đây là một phần cần rất nhiều sự chú ý. Nó đã chiếm hoàn toàn. Nhưng nếu tôi nói, “Được rồi, Andrew, tôi thấy bạn đang rất sợ hãi, nhưng bạn cảm thấy như thế nào về phần rất sợ hãi này đang ở đây bây giờ?”
    Và tôi có thể khiến bạn nói, “À, tôi cảm thấy thương hại cho nó.” Sau đó, tôi sẽ hướng dẫn bạn bắt đầu làm quen với nó và làm việc cùng nó và an ủi nó thay vì có một cơn hoảng sợ. Bạn sẽ tiếp cận được sự bình tĩnh và các từ ngữ đơn giản, và sau đó nó trở thành một liệu pháp hữu ích lớn cho điều gì đó trong bạn bị mắc kẹt ở nơi sợ hãi.
    Tôi muốn nghỉ một chút và công nhận một trong những nhà tài trợ của chúng tôi, Function. Năm ngoái, tôi đã trở thành thành viên của Function sau khi tìm kiếm phương pháp xét nghiệm toàn diện nhất. Function cung cấp hơn 100 xét nghiệm lab tiên tiến, đưa ra cái nhìn tổng quan về toàn bộ sức khỏe cơ thể của bạn. Cái nhìn tổng quan này cung cấp cho bạn thông tin về sức khỏe tim mạch, sức khỏe hormone, chức năng miễn dịch, mức dinh dưỡng, và nhiều hơn nữa.
    Họ cũng gần đây đã bổ sung các xét nghiệm cho các độc tố như tác động của BPA từ nhựa độc hại và các xét nghiệm cho PFAS hoặc hóa chất vĩnh viễn. Function không chỉ cung cấp thử nghiệm của hơn 100 biomarkers quan trọng đến sức khỏe thể chất và tinh thần của bạn, mà còn phân tích các kết quả này và cung cấp những thông tin từ các bác sĩ hàng đầu có chuyên môn trong các lĩnh vực liên quan.
    Ví dụ, trong một trong những xét nghiệm đầu tiên của tôi với Function, tôi đã biết rằng mình có nồng độ thủy ngân cao trong máu. Function không chỉ giúp tôi phát hiện điều đó mà còn cung cấp thông tin về cách tốt nhất để giảm nồng độ thủy ngân của tôi, trong đó có việc hạn chế lượng cá ngừ tiêu thụ, đồng thời nỗ lực ăn nhiều rau xanh hơn và bổ sung NAC và acetylcystine, cả hai đều có thể hỗ trợ việc sản xuất glutathione và giải độc.
    Tôi nên nói rằng, bằng cách thực hiện một xét nghiệm Function thứ hai, cách tiếp cận đó đã có hiệu quả. Xét nghiệm máu là vô cùng quan trọng. Có rất nhiều điều liên quan đến sức khỏe tâm thần và thể chất của bạn chỉ có thể được phát hiện qua xét nghiệm máu. Vấn đề là, xét nghiệm máu luôn rất tốn kém và phức tạp. Ngược lại, tôi đã rất ấn tượng với sự đơn giản và mức chi phí của Function. Nó rất phải chăng.
    Vì vậy, tôi đã quyết định gia nhập hội đồng tư vấn khoa học của họ, và tôi rất vui mừng vì họ đang tài trợ cho podcast này. Nếu bạn muốn thử Function, bạn có thể truy cập vào functionhealth.com/huberman. Function hiện đang có danh sách chờ hơn 250.000 người, nhưng họ đang cung cấp quyền truy cập sớm cho các thính giả podcast của Huberman. Một lần nữa, đó là functionhealth.com/huberman để có quyền truy cập sớm vào Function.
    Điều khiến tôi cảm thấy nổi bật là, và Martha đã dạy cho tôi thực hành này rằng khi chúng ta nghĩ về những điều tạo ra sự xấu hổ cho chính mình, nếu chúng ta có khả năng đi lên và thực sự nhìn nhận những điều đó và chấp nhận nó, không từ góc độ là, “Tôi tự hào về điều đó,” mà chấp nhận nó như một phần của chúng ta nhưng không phải hoàn toàn là chúng ta, thì điều đó thật sự giải phóng, và thực sự, nó vô cùng tự do. Nếu có một bí mật của cuộc sống, ít nhất nó sẽ bao gồm điều đó vì—
    Cho phép tôi nói về Kitô giáo như một ví dụ, tôi đã tiến hành các hội thảo nơi mà tôi để mọi người làm việc với nỗi phân biệt chủng tộc của họ, bạn đang nói đến một cái gì đó rất đáng xấu hổ, và nhiều người thường nói, “Tôi không phải là kẻ phân biệt chủng tộc, tôi không có sự phân biệt chủng tộc nào,” nhưng nếu tôi thực sự thuyết phục họ nhìn sâu vào bên trong và kiểm tra, họ sẽ tìm thấy rằng có một phần nhỏ bên trong họ thực sự phát ngôn những điều phân biệt chủng tộc khi họ gặp ai đó có màu da khác, có những niềm tin về ưu thế da trắng, và họ thực sự cảm thấy xấu hổ về điều đó.
    Nếu tôi yêu cầu bạn tập trung vào tiếng nói phân biệt chủng tộc đó bên trong, bạn sẽ phải để nhiều phần xấu hổ về điều đó bước ra, và sau đó tôi sẽ khiến bạn cảm thấy tò mò về nó hơn là xấu hổ về nó, và hỏi nó về nơi nó đã tiếp nhận những niềm tin này. Nó có thể cho bạn biết, và sau đó tôi sẽ hỏi, “Bạn có thích phải mang theo những thứ phân biệt chủng tộc này không?” Thông thường họ sẽ nói, “Không, nếu đã sẵn sàng để bỏ nó thì chúng ta có thể dễ dàng bỏ nó.”
    Vì vậy, một trong những điều quan trọng cần biết là những phần này không phải là gánh nặng mà chúng mang theo. Tất cả chúng đều tốt. Cái cậu bé có thuyết phân biệt chủng tộc là một phần bị mắc kẹt với những niềm tin này, và khi cậu ấy phát hành những niềm tin đó, cậu ấy sẽ biến thành một người tốt, và sai lầm mà văn hóa của chúng ta mắc phải, sai lầm mà hầu hết các liệu pháp tâm lý mắc phải là giả định rằng cậu ấy là tiếng nói phân biệt chủng tộc đó và cố gắng lưu đày cậu ấy, nhưng đó là một cách hiểu khác về những người dường như rất xấu xa rằng họ bị chi phối bởi những người bảo vệ này, và họ rất sợ những người lưu đày của họ, và họ tương tác bên trong theo cách tương tự như cách họ tương tác bên ngoài.
    Vì vậy, nếu họ ghét những phần của chính mình, họ sẽ ghét những người giống như những phần đó của họ. Họ sẽ cố gắng thống trị những người đó. Bạn hình dung ra điều tôi đang nói không?
    Vâng, và tôi thực sự muốn đi sâu vào điều này một chút vì chúng ta thường nghe rằng khi chúng ta khó chịu về điều gì đó, đó là điều gì đó bên trong chúng ta mà chúng ta thực sự khó chịu. Nhưng đối với tôi, điều đó không luôn đúng, nhưng đôi khi đúng.
    Vì vậy, nếu tôi khó chịu về sự không khoan dung đối với những ý tưởng tốt từ những người trong các nhóm đối lập với những ý tưởng tốt của nhau, logic này sẽ nói rằng tôi thực sự chỉ đang không chấp nhận khía cạnh đó của chính mình mà giống như sự phán đoán trắng đen. Điều mà chúng ta đã thiết lập rồi.
    Hiểu rồi. Bạn là nhà trị liệu, đúng rồi. Vậy điều này có đúng mọi lúc không?
    Không phải lúc nào cũng vậy.
    Được rồi. Nhưng thường thì đúng.
    Vì vậy, nếu bạn có thể có lòng từ bi đối với phần phán xét của bạn và không chiến đấu với nó và thực sự nhìn thấy nó đang cố gắng giúp bạn một cách tuyệt vọng, trở nên discerning hơn, và giúp nó gỡ bỏ gánh nặng và thoát khỏi vai trò mà nó đang đảm nhận. Bởi vì trong vai trò đó, nó có thể gây hại. Chúng tôi không cố gắng giảm thiểu điều đó hay nói rằng, khi tôi nói tất cả các phần, không có phần nào xấu. Không có phần nào xấu, nhưng chúng có thể rơi vào những vai trò rất hủy diệt và họ có thể mang những gánh nặng từ quá khứ khiến họ trở nên có hại.
    Nhưng phần công việc của tôi là giúp tất cả điều đó thay đổi. Vì vậy, nếu bạn bắt đầu một mối quan hệ mới với phần phán xét của bạn, sau đó bạn sẽ nhìn thấy qua những phần phán xét của người khác và bạn có thể thấy những người lưu đày điều khiển những người bảo vệ đó và bạn sẽ có lòng từ bi đối với họ. Điều này không có nghĩa là bạn sẽ không ngăn họ hoặc đứng lên chống lại họ, nhưng bạn sẽ làm điều đó một cách từ bi thay vì từ những người bảo vệ căm thù này.
    Tôi nghĩ điều quan trọng là mọi người nghe thấy điều đó, cụ thể là nếu chúng ta chạm vào những phần bảo vệ của chính mình, điều đó khiến chúng ta ít dễ bị tổn thương hơn, không nhiều hơn, cả về “tấn công,” nhưng điều đó cũng, tôi đoán, đơn giản mà nói rằng trong sự hiểu biết về bản thân và lòng từ bi cho chính mình, một người phát triển sự hiểu biết và lòng từ bi cho người khác, nhưng điều đó không có nghĩa là bạn đang mở lòng ra để bị tổn hại và điều ngược lại thực sự là đúng.
    Điều ngược lại thực sự là đúng vì những người bảo vệ này sẽ thường tạo ra những gì họ sợ. Vì vậy, bằng việc quá bảo vệ, họ sẽ tạo ra những người bảo vệ khác bên ngoài mà sẽ tấn công, trong khi nếu họ có thể ở trong bản ngã, bản ngã có thể rất bảo vệ với những phẩm chất C, rất mạnh mẽ, đôi khi quyết liệt.
    Ý tưởng này, tôi hoàn toàn theo dõi rằng đôi khi chúng ta sẽ tạo ra ở người khác những gì chúng ta sợ vì điều đó cho phép chúng ta tham gia vào mô hình không lành mạnh này. Điều đó nghe có vẻ trái ngược, đúng không?
    Có thể chúng ta lấy một số ví dụ cổ điển mà tôi nghĩ là khá phổ biến, một người phụ thuộc, với ai đó là một người nghiện chất kích thích, hoặc ai đó rất nhút nhát và luôn muốn làm hòa, và một người rất thống trị. Khi tôi nhìn ra từ trường hợp thứ hai, thực sự khiến tôi bật cười vì nó kỳ cục như thế nào vì nếu bạn nghĩ về điều đó, một người rất thống trị không cần một người rất nhút nhát để cảm thấy thống trị, đúng không?
    Họ có thể cảm thấy bất kỳ sức mạnh nào mà họ cần cảm thấy với một người ít nhút nhát hơn, và có thể mối quan hệ sẽ lành mạnh hơn. Nhưng đó không phải là cách mà mọi người thường chọn người khác, điều này thật thú vị.
    Vì vậy, điều này đặt ra có lẽ một câu hỏi lớn hơn. Tại sao mọi người lại chọn những người mà xét về bản chất lại không tốt cho họ?
    Được rồi, tôi đã viết một quyển sách có tên là “Bạn Là Người Mà Bạn Đã Chờ Đợi,” và trong đó, tôi đã nói về toàn bộ vấn đề này. Đối với nhiều người, bạn bị tổn thương bởi cha mẹ của bạn, và có những phần muốn bảo vệ bạn khỏi cha mẹ của bạn, nhưng có những phần khác thì tuyệt vọng, đã tiếp nhận sự vô giá trị từ việc bị cha mẹ từ chối, và đang tuyệt vọng cho sự cứu chuộc.
    Bạn có theo dõi điều này không? Và khi bạn rời đi và đang tìm kiếm một đối tác, phần này từ một nơi tiềm thức có thể ảnh hưởng đến quyết định của bạn trong việc tìm một ai đó có vẻ giống như người cha/mẹ đó trong nỗ lực được cứu chuộc trở lại. Điều này có giống với kiểu cưỡng chế lặp đi lặp lại mà chúng ta thường gặp, khi cố gắng lặp lại một mô hình nhiều lần như một cách để giải quyết, không chỉ là sự biểu hiện của sự rối loạn chức năng? Đó là một phiên bản của những gì tôi đang nói đến. Và vì vậy, bạn tìm thấy một ai đó thực sự giống người đó, người cha/mẹ đó, và không may là họ giống với người cha/mẹ đó, và do vậy, họ sẽ làm tổn thương bạn theo cách tương tự.
    Sau đó, những người bảo vệ của bạn sẽ vào một trong bốn chế độ. Họ sẽ nói, “Tôi phải thay đổi người đó trở lại thành những gì họ nên là, vì vậy họ sẽ cố gắng thay đổi hành vi của người đó,” hoặc họ sẽ nói, “Tôi phải thay đổi chính mình, để họ trở thành những gì họ nên là,” hoặc họ sẽ nói, “Ôi, đây không phải là Đấng Cứu Rỗi sau tất cả, và họ sẽ đi tìm Đấng Cứu Rỗi thực sự vẫn còn ở đâu đó.” Và nó luôn nằm bên trong. Và đúng vậy, điều tôi cố gắng làm là giúp họ thấy rằng Đấng Cứu Rỗi đó nằm bên trong chính họ.
    Nếu chúng ta có thể quay về với người bị đày đọa mà có điều gì đó với người cha/mẹ giống như vậy và giúp nó kết nối với bản thân và giúp nó thoát khỏi gánh nặng, thì toàn bộ sự cưỡng chế lặp đi lặp lại đó sẽ biến mất vì giờ đây họ có thể tự chăm sóc cho bản thân. Họ tin tưởng bản thân để làm điều đó. Họ không cần điều đó từ một người khác giống như vậy.
    Và vì vậy, khi chúng ta làm việc với các cặp đôi và bạn luôn tìm thấy một phiên bản nào đó của điều đó trong các cặp đôi, nếu chúng ta có thể khiến mỗi người trở thành hình mẫu gắn bó tốt của riêng họ, người chăm sóc tốt bên trong, thì điều đó giải phóng đối tác vì khi người bị đày đọa này dẫn dắt mối quan hệ, đối tác của bạn cảm thấy rất nhiều yêu cầu hoặc cảm thấy như đối tác của bạn phải chăm sóc cho phần trẻ con đó của bạn mà không thể, không thể làm điều đó hoàn toàn được.
    Vì vậy, luôn có cảm giác gánh nặng, bạn biết tôi đang nói gì không? Vâng. Thật thú vị làm sao mà các mối quan hệ lãng mạn lại là nơi mà những mẫu hình này được lặp lại. Và cùng lúc đó, có rất nhiều ví dụ trong cuộc sống của tôi về các mối quan hệ lành mạnh. Có phải thường là như vậy vì mọi người đã làm việc trước đó hoặc vì họ đã có ít nhất là một ít chấn thương trong quá trình trưởng thành của họ? Vâng. Vâng. Bạn nghĩ tỷ lệ trẻ em, cả người lớn nữa, có ít chấn thương là do cách họ được lập trình và cách mà mọi thứ được sắp xếp bên trong họ mà họ tự nhiên gắn bó với một đối tác tốt và khá lành mạnh là bao nhiêu phần trăm? Có phải khoảng 25%, 30%? Tôi thực sự không thể nói vì mẫu của tôi rất lệch.
    Tôi đang làm việc với các bệnh nhân tâm lý học thường có rất nhiều chấn thương. Vì vậy, tôi thực sự không thể nói, ý tôi là, tôi rất thiên lệch. Vâng, một nửa số cuộc hôn nhân ở đất nước này kết thúc trong ly hôn, và có lẽ với những cuộc hôn nhân không kết thúc trong ly hôn, tôi đoán có khoảng từ một nửa đến một phần tư trong số những người đó thực sự không hạnh phúc. Nghe có vẻ rất bi quan, nhưng nếu bạn chỉ nhìn vào các con số thì tôi là người lạc quan, tôi đã thừa nhận rằng tôi không thích suy nghĩ về những điều xấu.
    Vâng, tôi đoán rằng nhiều người lặp lại những mẫu hình này, nhưng có vẻ như có thể khoảng 20, 30 năm trước, vì những ý tưởng này không thực sự được thảo luận. Rất ít người tham gia bất kỳ loại phân tích hoặc công việc khám phá bản thân nào mà như một xã hội, chúng ta đã mặc định chỉ thực hiện vai trò. Bạn là một người cha và một người chồng, vì vậy bạn làm những việc nhất định và bạn không làm những việc nhất định. Bạn là một người vợ và một người mẹ, vì vậy bạn làm những việc nhất định và bạn không làm những việc nhất định khác, và cứ như vậy.
    Và tôi nghĩ ngày nay có rất nhiều thảo luận về việc liệu có phải có sự hồi sinh của tôn giáo có tổ chức vì chúng ta đã trôi dạt quá xa khỏi những cấu trúc cốt lõi này. Tôi rất thích ý kiến của bạn về điều đó. Và cũng như bạn nghĩ việc thực hiện loại công việc nội tâm này đối với bản thân mà không cần bất kỳ sự đóng góp hay tham gia nào từ người khác, giá trị của điều đó là gì. Nghe có vẻ như có giá trị to lớn từ việc chỉ làm công việc này cho chính mình. Có thể với một ai đó được đào tạo trong IFS.
    Vâng, ý tôi là, như tôi đã nói, có rất nhiều điều bạn có thể làm khi làm việc với những người bảo vệ của mình và giúp họ hiểu về bản thân. Như chúng tôi đã không làm điều đó, nhưng nếu bạn hỏi gấu bông titanium đó nghĩ bạn bao nhiêu tuổi và thực sự chờ đợi câu trả lời, hầu hết mọi người sẽ nhận được một số đơn. Nó vẫn nghĩ bạn rất trẻ và vẫn nghĩ rằng nó phải bảo vệ bạn theo cách mà nó đã làm khi bạn còn rất nhỏ. Và chỉ cần cập nhật nó thì tạo ra một lượng lớn sự nhẹ nhõm với những người bảo vệ này.
    Vì vậy, có rất nhiều điều có thể thực hiện chỉ bằng cách làm việc với những người bảo vệ, giới thiệu họ với bản thân, giúp họ thấy rằng họ không cần phải liên tục làm mọi thứ cho chúng ta. Một số người bảo vệ thì rất khó để họ có thể hoàn toàn bỏ vũ khí cho đến khi những gì họ bảo vệ được chữa lành. Vì vậy, đó là lúc mà nhà trị liệu xuất hiện. Có những người huấn luyện viên làm công việc này, ví dụ, và họ sẽ làm việc với một giám đốc điều hành và họ sẽ làm rất tốt, sau đó họ sẽ gặp một người bị đày đọa và sau đó họ sẽ đưa người đó gặp một nhà trị liệu IFS trong vài buổi để chữa lành người bị đày đọa và sau đó trở lại, vì các huấn luyện viên không được đào tạo như một nhà trị liệu.
    Vì vậy, vâng, vẫn có nhu cầu cho các nhà trị liệu, nhưng vâng, nhưng bạn có thể làm rất nhiều điều một mình. Tôi cảm thấy rất ấn tượng với sự trải nghiệm của nó so với chỉ khái niệm, ý tôi là hiển nhiên rằng các khái niệm là quan trọng, nhưng tôi nghĩ hệ thống gia đình nội tâm được mô tả cho tôi trước đây loại đã được vạch ra cho tôi trên giấy tờ, tôi đã có cảm giác nó thực sự với một số đối tượng được đặt ra và điều đó có ích, nhưng tôi nghĩ chỉ cần thực hiện một chút điều đó hôm nay, chỉ bằng cách cảm nhận những cảm giác trong cơ thể gắn liền với nó thì thực sự làm tôi hiểu rõ hơn.
    Ý tôi là, nó đã làm cho tôi hiểu rõ về mặt nhận thức, nhưng điều đó thật sự rất khác. Nó rất xa vời.
    Vâng, nó giống như việc tôi nói với mọi người, bạn biết đấy, hãy ra ngoài và để ánh sáng mặt trời chiếu vào mắt bạn vào buổi sáng và thiết lập nhịp sinh học của bạn, bạn có thể biết điều đó, bạn có thể biết những cơ chế cơ bản, những tế bào thần kinh, các đường dẫn, hormone, v.v., nhưng ở một cấp độ nào đó cho đến khi bạn trải nghiệm điều đó trong hai hoặc ba ngày liên tiếp, thì bạn cũng giống như đang đọc về, tôi không biết, những con gấu teddy làm bằng titan, bạn biết đấy, vâng. Chính xác, và đó là lý do tại sao tôi rất biết ơn bạn vì bạn đã sẵn sàng thử nghiệm điều đó, vì đúng như tôi mô tả với mọi người, họ không thực sự hiểu cho đến khi họ thực sự cảm nhận và trải nghiệm nó, và nó rất khác biệt so với nhiều phương pháp điều trị khác dựa trên nhận thức nhiều hơn, vì chúng tôi đang cố gắng bỏ qua điều đó và thực sự đi đến những điều nguyên thủy ở đây.
    Để có thể lập lại một cách có chủ đích, tôi tự hỏi liệu có thể hữu ích cho người nghe nếu chỉ đơn giản đặt câu hỏi cho họ như một bài tập mà họ có thể thực hiện ngay trong thời gian thực không? Hoàn toàn đồng ý, vâng. Cảm ơn bạn rất nhiều. Tôi nghĩ điều đó sẽ rất có giá trị, vì vậy tôi sẽ phải xóa đi bản thân mình ở đây. Đối với một lần, tôi sẽ im lặng một chút, mọi người, và bạn là bệnh nhân may mắn có cơ hội nói chuyện với Tiến sĩ Schwartz ở đây, và ông ấy sẽ đặt ra một loạt câu hỏi và chúng tôi sẽ cho phép một vài phút tạm dừng hoặc im lặng để bạn có thể nắm bắt được các câu trả lời trong thời gian thực. Bằng cách đó, bạn không cần phải tạo ra một cấu trúc song song của những gì chúng ta đã làm trước đó. Vâng, và để tôi dẫn dắt bằng cách nói, xin đừng làm điều này nếu bạn có cảm giác sợ hãi khi thực hiện nó, nhưng nếu bạn quan tâm đến một số khám phá nội tâm, thì tôi sẽ dẫn bạn thông qua một số bước.
    Khi bạn đang lắng nghe cuộc trò chuyện của chúng tôi, tôi đang nói với người nghe, bạn có thể đang nghĩ về một số phần của riêng bạn, đặc biệt là những người bảo vệ của bạn, và nếu bạn không thể nghĩ ra bất kỳ phần nào, hầu hết mọi người đều có một loại người phê phán bên trong hoặc phần khiến họ làm việc quá chăm chỉ hoặc một phần chăm sóc quá nhiều người, vì vậy tôi sẽ mời bạn chọn một phần bảo vệ để cố gắng hiểu biết trong vài phút. Chỉ cần chú ý đến giọng nói bên trong đó hoặc cảm xúc đó, mô hình suy nghĩ đó, cảm giác đó, chỉ tập trung vào nó một cách độc quyền trong một giây, và khi bạn làm điều đó, hãy chú ý đến nơi nó dường như đang ở trong cơ thể bạn hoặc xung quanh cơ thể bạn, và chỉ cần dành một giây với điều đó. Một số người không tìm thấy một vị trí, một số người vẫn cảm nhận được nhưng không rõ nơi nó dường như đang ở, nhưng nếu bạn tìm thấy nó trong hoặc xung quanh cơ thể bạn, thì hãy tập trung vào nó ở đó, và khi bạn tập trung vào nó, hãy chú ý đến cảm giác của bạn với nó, và điều đó có nghĩa là, bạn không thích nó và muốn loại bỏ nó? Bạn có sợ hãi nó không? Bạn có cảm thấy bực bội vì nó chi phối? Bạn có phụ thuộc vào nó không? Vì vậy, bạn có một mối quan hệ với phần này của bạn. Và nếu bạn cảm thấy bất cứ điều gì ngoài một luồng sự mở lòng hoặc sự tò mò hay sự sẵn lòng để tìm hiểu nó, thì điều đó đến từ những phần khác đã cố gắng giải quyết nó. Và chúng tôi sẽ chỉ yêu cầu những phần khác của bạn lùi lại trong vài phút để bạn có thể hiểu nó. Chúng tôi không muốn nó chi phối nhiều hơn, chúng tôi chỉ muốn hiểu nó tốt hơn. Vì vậy, hãy xem chúng có sẵn lòng để bạn mở lòng với nó không, và nếu không, thì chúng tôi sẽ không theo đuổi điều này, và bạn có thể chỉ cần hiểu nỗi sợ hãi của chúng về việc để bạn hiểu phần mục tiêu này. Nhưng nếu bạn đạt đến điểm chỉ tò mò về nó, mà không có chương trình nào, thì hãy hỏi nó những gì nó muốn bạn biết về bản thân nó, chỉ là một câu hỏi mở rộng dễ thương. Và đừng nghĩ đến câu trả lời, chỉ chờ và xem điều gì đến từ nơi đó trong cơ thể bạn. Và đừng phán xét những gì đến, chỉ cần để mọi thứ đến rồi đi. Nó muốn bạn biết điều gì về bản thân nó? Và nó sợ điều gì sẽ xảy ra nếu nó không làm điều này bên trong bạn? Và nếu bạn nhận được câu trả lời cho câu hỏi đó về nỗi sợ, thì nó đang nói với bạn điều gì đó về cách nó đã cố gắng bảo vệ bạn. Và nếu điều đó đúng, thì hãy bày tỏ sự trân trọng của bạn đối với nó vì ít nhất nó đã cố gắng giữ bạn an toàn, ngay cả khi nó phản tác dụng hoặc không hoạt động. Hãy để nó biết rằng bạn đánh giá cao rằng nó đang cố gắng bảo vệ bạn, và xem nó phản ứng như thế nào với sự trân trọng của bạn. Và sau đó hỏi nó liệu bạn có thể đi đến điều mà nó bảo vệ và chữa lành hoặc thay đổi điều đó để nó không cần phải bảo vệ bạn nhiều như vậy. Nó sẽ thích làm gì bên trong bạn nếu nó được giải phóng khỏi vai trò này? Tôi sẽ lặp lại. Nếu bạn có thể đi đến điều mà nó bảo vệ và chữa lành hoặc thay đổi điều đó để nó được giải phóng khỏi vai trò bảo vệ này, nó sẽ thích làm gì bên trong bạn? Và sau đó hỏi nó về câu hỏi hơi kỳ lạ này, phần này nghĩ bạn bao nhiêu tuổi? Không phải nó bao nhiêu tuổi, mà nó nghĩ bạn bao nhiêu tuổi? Và một lần nữa, đừng nghĩ, chỉ chờ và xem điều gì đến. Và nếu nó đoán sai tuổi của bạn, thì hãy cập nhật nó và xem nó phản ứng như thế nào.
    Và câu hỏi cuối cùng cho phần này là, nó cần gì từ bạn trong tương lai? Nó cần gì từ bạn? Và một lần nữa, chỉ cần chờ câu trả lời. Và khi thời gian cảm thấy đúng, hãy cảm ơn các phần của bạn vì bất cứ điều gì chúng cho phép bạn làm trong điều này. Sau đó, hãy bắt đầu chuyển sự chú ý của bạn trở lại bên ngoài và có thể hít thở sâu trong khi bạn làm điều đó. Cảm ơn bạn vì điều đó. Điều đó thật tuyệt vời. Tôi cũng đã có thể làm một số công việc, tôi nghĩ, tốt trong đó. Có phải vậy không?
    Hoàn toàn khác biệt về vị trí, hoàn toàn khác biệt về tập hợp các động lực. Mặc dù những gì bạn vừa dẫn dắt chúng tôi qua là rất thực nghiệm, giá trị của việc viết ra những điểm chính là gì? Vâng, vì vậy thật tuyệt khi thực hiện buổi làm việc hoặc bài tập này, nhưng lý tưởng là nó bắt đầu cho một mối quan hệ mới với phần này. Và điều đó cần công việc ở phía bạn. Vì vậy, những gì tôi khuyên mọi người là khi bạn bắt đầu lăn cầu bóng theo hướng tốt, nó sẽ đảo ngược nếu bạn không tiếp tục với nó trong một thời gian.
    Vì vậy, mỗi ngày, như bạn đã nói, bạn thức dậy không phải để tự hỏi hôm nay mình sẽ làm gì hay có những vấn đề gì trong cuộc sống, mà là: Phần nào trong tôi mà tôi đã bắt đầu làm việc cùng đang cảm thấy như thế nào? Nó cần gì từ tôi hôm nay? Nó muốn tôi biết điều gì? Nó có cảm thấy tốt hơn không? Tôi có còn lòng trắc ẩn hay sự biết ơn dành cho nó không? Như tôi đã nói trước đó, điều này trở thành một thực hành trong cuộc sống. Vì vậy, tôi làm điều đó mỗi sáng.
    Mỗi sáng?
    Không phải tất cả, không phải lúc nào cũng vậy…
    Chà, bạn rất quen thuộc với những phần này. Và để làm rõ cho mọi người, khi Tiến sĩ Schwartz nói về những phần, ông ấy đang nói về những phần, những nhân cách bên trong chúng ta, không nhất thiết là những phần của cơ thể nơi nó thể hiện, nhưng có thể là như vậy, nhưng nó cũng cung cấp một chỗ dựa vật lý để nhìn vào.
    Chính xác. Vì vậy, tôi sẽ kiểm tra. Không phải với tất cả các phần của tôi, vì tôi đã gặp rất nhiều, nhưng với những phần mà tôi đã làm việc cùng để xem chúng đang như thế nào. Và khi tôi đi qua ngày, tôi sẽ nhận thấy, liệu tôi có đang ở trong những phẩm chất mà mình gọi là C không? Trái tim tôi có mở không? Duy tâm tôi có tò mò không? Tôi có một kế hoạch lớn không? Bất kỳ sự lệch lạc nào từ đó thường là của một người bảo vệ. Và tôi chỉ có một cuộc họp hội đồng thường trực nhỏ và nói, tôi hiểu, bạn cảm thấy như thế nào, như khi chuẩn bị đến đây để tham gia podcast này, tôi đã phải làm việc với những phần lo lắng, và bạn biết đấy, cha tôi là một nhà khoa học lớn, một nhà nghiên cứu nội tiết học.
    Ôi, tuyệt quá.
    Vâng.
    Lĩnh vực tuyệt vời.
    Anh trai tôi là một nhà nghiên cứu nội tiết học nổi tiếng. Vì vậy, tôi có một số vấn đề theo cách đó. Tôi hy vọng tôi không củng cố những vấn đề tiêu cực đó.
    Vâng, đó là những lo lắng của phần tôi khi bước vào. Vì vậy, tôi đã làm việc để giải quyết chúng và nói, được rồi, tôi hiểu, bạn lo sợ. Tôi có thể cảm nhận được chúng trong tay tôi khi tôi đang uống nước lúc trước.
    Thú vị thật.
    Nhưng tôi đã giữ tinh thần, được rồi, tôi hiểu bạn sợ hãi, nhưng chỉ cần tin tưởng tôi. Hãy lùi lại, thư giãn. Và sau đó, tôi cảm nhận được sự chuyển mình, một sự thay đổi thực sự.
    Và sau đó, tôi cảm thấy những phẩm chất C đang tràn ngập. Và sau đó chúng tôi có một cuộc trò chuyện hoàn toàn khác. Vì vậy, đó là một thực hành trong cuộc sống theo nghĩa đó. Cảm ơn bạn đã chia sẻ điều đó. Tôi không cảm nhận thấy bất kỳ sự lo lắng nào. Cũng không phải trước khi ghi âm hay trong cuộc thảo luận này. Nếu bạn không phiền, có thể bạn mô tả hoặc thậm chí chỉ liệt kê một số nhãn khác của các phần mà mọi người có thể gặp nếu họ thực hiện công việc này. Bạn đã mô tả chúng như là những người bảo vệ, quản lý, và sau đó là những kẻ lưu đày, là những phần trong chúng ta mà những người bảo vệ và quản lý đang bảo vệ.
    Đúng vậy.
    Chính xác. Vậy đó là hai điều khác nhau, đúng không?
    Vâng. Sự phân biệt lớn là giữa những phần đơn giản chỉ vì bị tổn thương hoặc bị sợ hãi hoặc bị xấu hổ và cảm thấy mình vô giá trị. Và thường thì đó là những phần nhạy cảm nhất trong chúng ta. Chúng là những đứa trẻ bên trong tâm hồn. Chúng bị mắc kẹt với những gánh nặng vô giá trị, sợ hãi và nỗi đau emosional. Và sau đó chúng ta không muốn liên quan đến chúng vì chúng có thể áp đảo chúng ta. Và vì vậy, chúng ta khóa chúng lại và mọi người bảo chúng ta làm như vậy. Vì vậy, đó là những kẻ lưu đày. Và khi bạn có quá nhiều kẻ lưu đày, những phần khác buộc phải trở thành những người bảo vệ. Vì vậy, có hai lớp người bảo vệ. Một là những người quản lý mà chúng ta đã nói đến, và lớp còn lại là những lính cứu hỏa. Chúng ta đã đề cập đến một số vai trò quản lý thông thường, nhưng có rất nhiều vai trò khác. Các vai trò thông thường của lính cứu hỏa bao gồm, bạn biết đó, nghiện, xin lỗi, không liên kết, những phần phán xét, tức giận. Tôi có thể tiếp tục, nhưng bất kỳ điều gì phản ứng, bốc đồng, và được thiết kế để bảo vệ những phần dễ bị tổn thương, nhưng theo cách bốc đồng, trái ngược với những người quản lý, những người mà luôn tập trung vào việc kiểm soát và làm hài lòng. Những lính cứu hỏa này hoàn toàn nghĩ rằng, nếu tôi không giúp bạn tránh xa những cảm xúc này ngay bây giờ, bạn sẽ chết. Nhiều phần trong số họ tin điều đó. Và một số thì đúng. Vì vậy, thường có một loại thứ bậc trong các hoạt động của lính cứu hỏa. Nếu phương pháp đầu tiên không hiệu quả, bạn chuyển sang cái tiếp theo, và nếu cái đó cũng không hiệu quả, điểm cao nhất trong thứ bậc cho hầu hết mọi người là tự tử. Nếu mọi thứ trở nên đủ đau đớn, có một chiến lược thoát ra. Trên thực tế, nó rất an ủi đối với nhiều người, và ở đây chúng tôi đến và rất sợ hãi với những phần tự tử này. Vì vậy, đây lại là một trong những dấu hiệu phân biệt của IFS. Nếu bạn nói bạn có một phần tự tử, hãy nói, hãy đến và tìm hiểu về nó. Tôi sẽ để bạn tìm thấy nó và, bạn biết đấy, tất cả những bước đó, và tôi sẽ hỏi bạn, bạn sợ điều gì sẽ xảy ra nếu bạn không giết Andrew? Bạn nghĩ rằng câu trả lời cho điều đó thường là gì? Rằng nó sẽ chỉ cảm thấy quá sức chịu đựng?
    Vâng.
    Một lần nữa, điều này không thể chịu đựng thêm nữa.
    Chính xác.
    Mà, tất nhiên, đó là một tuyên bố điên rồ, bởi vì không phải như não của tôi sẽ nổ tung. Những phần này tin điều đó.
    Vâng. Chúng không dựa vào logic.
    Vì vậy, phản ứng của tôi với phần đó là, nếu chúng ta có thể tháo gỡ nỗi đau mà bạn rất sợ sẽ áp đảo, bạn có cần phải giết họ không?
    Không.
    Và bạn có muốn chúng tôi làm điều đó không?
    À, may mắn thay, tôi không cảm thấy muốn tự tử, nhưng câu trả lời sẽ là có.
    Được rồi. Bởi vì chúng tôi có thể chứng minh cho bạn rằng chúng tôi có thể tháo gỡ nỗi đau đó, và nếu chúng tôi có thể làm điều đó, bạn muốn làm gì thay vì trở thành phần tự tử?
    Ý tôi là, tôi phải tưởng tượng rằng nếu ai đó, xin lỗi vì đã lấn sâu vào suy nghĩ của mình về điều này, nhưng nếu tôi phải tưởng tượng, thật khó cho tôi để hình dung việc tự tử.
    Ôi, không sao đâu.
    Vâng. Nhưng nếu tôi phải tưởng tượng rằng nếu một ai đó cảm thấy tự tử để bảo vệ mình khỏi cảm giác khổng lồ mà họ sẽ cảm thấy, và sau đó được mời gọi để làm việc, để được giải phóng khỏi những cảm xúc đó, tôi nghĩ điều đáng sợ sẽ là như lần đầu tiên, giống như lội vào nước lạnh.
    Bạn biết đấy, tôi luôn cảm thấy như vậy về những cảm xúc tiêu cực.
    Một khi bạn qua khỏi phần eo hoặc hơn một chút, bạn sẽ có vai và vai của bạn ở dưới.
    Đó là một phép so sánh tốt.
    Đó thực sự là một phép ẩn dụ rất hay, đúng không?
    Bởi vì bạn nhận ra rằng có một giới hạn trên cho những thứ này và bạn đã vượt qua nó một thời gian trước đây.
    Đúng vậy.
    Đúng vậy. Vì vậy, phần tự sát đó thường biến đổi thành phần muốn giúp bạn sống, thực sự.
    Thường thì chúng đóng vai trò ngược lại với những gì mà chúng thực sự là.
    Như bạn có thể nghe, đây là một cách tiếp cận hoàn toàn khác với tự sát, chẳng hạn như.
    Và chúng tôi cũng làm điều tương tự với những người có nghiện lao động.
    Tìm kiếm phần khiến bạn cảm thấy phấn khích.
    Bạn cảm thấy thế nào về điều đó? Tôi ghét nó.
    Tôi muốn, bạn biết đấy, tôi muốn hồi phục.
    Tôi chỉ muốn khóa nó lại.
    Hãy để tất cả ra ngoài và chỉ cần tò mò về điều đó và hỏi nó rằng nó sợ sẽ xảy ra điều gì nếu nó không khiến bạn phấn khích mọi lúc.
    Câu trả lời giống nhau.
    Nếu chúng ta có thể chữa lành tất cả nỗi đau hoặc sự xấu hổ đó, thì bạn có phải trải qua từng bước một không?
    Không, nhưng tôi không nghĩ bạn có thể làm điều đó.
    Bạn có cho chúng tôi một cơ hội để chứng minh rằng chúng tôi có thể không?
    Bất kì cách tiếp cận nào đối với tất cả những vấn đề này?
    Một điều gì đó xuất hiện trong tâm trí tôi trong một số năm, không phải bây giờ, may mắn thay.
    Ý tôi là, tôi vẫn làm việc rất nhiều, nhưng tôi làm việc như, bạn biết đấy, tôi không muốn, à, tôi sẽ chia sẻ số liệu, nhưng đó không phải là một mục tiêu mà không ai nên cố gắng vượt qua.
    Ý tôi là, đã có những lúc trong trường sau đại học mà tôi, không đùa đâu, đã làm việc 80, 85 giờ mỗi tuần, ngủ dưới bàn của tôi, như thể tôi sống trong văn phòng của mình với tư cách là một giảng viên trẻ.
    Sinh viên của tôi có thể xác nhận điều đó, đánh răng và không phải mỗi tối, nhưng bạn biết đấy, nếu tôi có thời hạn, tôi chỉ đơn giản là toàn tâm toàn ý với tâm trí, cơ thể, trái tim, mọi thứ.
    Điều đó không lành mạnh, đúng không?
    Và vào một thời điểm nào đó, tôi đã phải xem xét điều đó vì nó không phù hợp với nhiều thứ.
    Nó mang lại nhiều điều. Bạn có thể hoàn thành rất nhiều.
    Tôi không nói dối. Bạn có thể hoàn thành rất nhiều.
    Bạn có thể có rất nhiều bằng cấp.
    Bạn có thể có nhiều kiến thức và bạn có thể đạt được nhiều điều.
    Nhưng tôi đã quyết định xem xét điều đó, bạn biết đấy, như, điều gì sẽ xảy ra nếu tôi, tôi không biết, xuất bản năm bài báo tuyệt vời trong một năm thay vì mười, hay điều gì đó như vậy, bạn biết đấy, tôi chỉ bắt đầu nhìn nhận điều đó và dường như bây giờ thật điên rồ.
    Nhưng tôi nhớ nỗi sợ hãi thực sự khi lùi lại.
    Và tôi bắt đầu nhận ra rằng tôi yêu thích những gì tôi làm, nhưng một số công việc đến từ mong muốn cạnh tranh với những cảm xúc khác.
    Đó là một hình thức phân ly.
    Và sau đó điều gì xảy ra là tôi có thể điều chỉnh giờ làm việc của mình, thực sự chọn những dự án có ý nghĩa nhất đối với tôi, và sau đó thực sự tận hưởng và thưởng thức chúng.
    Đó là cách tôi tiếp cận podcast và những điều khác mà tôi đang làm.
    Vì vậy, đó là một cuộc khám phá vô cùng hữu ích, nhưng cũng rất đáng sợ.
    Tôi không cần phải tham gia vào 12 bước cho nghiện công việc hoặc bất cứ điều gì.
    Ý tôi là, nó không ở mức đó, nhưng…
    Nhưng bạn đang đưa ra một ví dụ chính xác những gì chúng tôi làm.
    Khi chúng tôi đến với phần nghiện công việc đó, bạn sợ điều gì sẽ xảy ra nếu bạn không làm điều này cho họ?
    Đúng vậy.
    Vì vậy, điều mà tôi đã đến, thật thú vị, là, đó thực sự là nỗi sợ hãi bị hủy diệt, bị biến mất.
    Và sau đó tôi nghĩ, tốt, vậy thì bạn hãy phân tích kỹ hơn một chút, biến mất với ai?
    Không phải là không có phản hồi tích cực.
    Vì vậy, thực sự không phải là để tránh biến mất khỏi thế giới bên ngoài, vì tôi sẽ nói với bạn, khi bạn làm việc 80, 85 giờ mỗi tuần, bạn đã biến mất rồi.
    Bạn biết đấy, bạn chỉ không nhận ra điều đó.
    Thực sự đó là một cách để tránh điều mà bây giờ tôi thực sự yêu thích.
    Tôi đã học điều đó từ chú chó bulldog của mình.
    Tôi từng có giả định rằng chậm lại là thấp hơn, như việc chậm lại sẽ là suy nhược.
    Ý tôi là, bây giờ tôi yêu thích việc chậm lại.
    Và tôi đã học điều đó từ chú bulldog của tôi.
    Sau đó, một vài người đã đến trong cuộc sống của tôi cùng với những chú chó của họ, và tôi đã học cách thực sự thưởng thức sự chậm rãi, và không chỉ để có thể nhanh chóng quay lại với công việc, việc đó cũng thế, nhưng cũng để chỉ là, và điều đó đã đến với tôi, tôi muốn nghe ý kiến của bạn về điều này.
    Tôi nhận ra rằng ngay khi tôi đi vào hoặc ra khỏi một buổi thiền, hoặc cái mà tôi gọi là nghỉ ngơi sâu không phải ngủ, loại thư giãn sâu như yoga nidra mà người nghe podcast này sẽ quen thuộc, có một khoảnh khắc thật đáng sợ khi tôi nhận ra rằng một ngày nào đó, giả sử tôi tỉnh táo khi điều đó xảy ra, hoặc không phải là một tai nạn, hoặc tôi không gặp phải một tai nạn, tôi sẽ thở hơi thở cuối cùng.
    Và khái niệm đó thật tuyệt đối đáng sợ.
    Và tôi nhận ra rằng nỗi sợ biến mất thực sự là nỗi sợ cái chết.
    Và điều mà tôi thực sự sợ hãi là cái chết.
    Và tôi đã sử dụng công việc, vì vậy đó là một khoảng cách dài từ việc làm việc 60 giờ hoặc 40 giờ mỗi tuần, thay vào đó là 30, bất cứ điều gì mà mọi người chọn trái ngược với 85.
    Nhưng điều mà tôi nhận ra, điều tôi đang chạy trốn là nỗi sợ hãi về sự hữu hạn của chính mình.
    Và tôi không cần phải sử dụng bất kỳ chất kích thích nào để nhận ra điều này.
    Tôi chỉ cần tiếp tục gỡ bỏ các lớp như, bạn thật sự sợ điều gì?
    Và bây giờ tôi đến kết luận rằng hầu hết các nghiện, sau khi đã nói chuyện với rất nhiều người nghiện từ các nghiện về quy trình và các nghiện chất kích thích, v.v., sâu bên trong mọi người, nghiện hay không, đều sợ cái chết.
    Chỉ có điều là một số người tiếp xúc với nỗi sợ này và đã như, làm việc qua nó.
    Đúng vậy.
    À, bạn còn nhớ những gì tôi đã nói trước đó không, khi chúng tôi nói chuyện với những phần nghiện này, bạn sợ điều gì sẽ xảy ra nếu bạn không khiến chúng phấn khích?
    Chúng sẽ chết.
    Vì vậy, đó là một câu trả lời rất phổ biến.
    Và về cơ bản những gì bạn vừa miêu tả là bạn đang làm IFS mà không biết, hỏi những câu hỏi, bạn thật sự sợ điều gì?
    Bạn thật sự sợ điều gì?
    Bạn có đến được câu trả lời then chốt không?
    Và sau đó tôi không biết bạn giúp phần đó sợ cái chết như thế nào, nhưng bằng cách nào đó bạn đã giúp nó thư giãn hơn.
    Đúng vậy.
    Tôi nghĩ nếu tôi, tốt hơn hay tệ hơn, nếu tôi thấy hoặc trải nghiệm điều gì đó mà khiến tôi sợ hãi rất nhiều, tôi phải khám phá những đường nét của nó.
    Đó đã là một phần nguy hiểm trong cuộc sống của tôi và cũng là một phần hữu ích trong cuộc sống của tôi.
    Khả năng kiềm chế phản xạ của một người để tránh sợ hãi là một điều rất phức tạp vì một mặt, nó cần thiết để điều hướng cuộc sống.
    Mặt khác, nếu mọi người luôn hỏi: “Bạn sẽ nói gì với bản thân trẻ hơn nếu bạn có thể nói bất cứ điều gì với chính mình lúc nhỏ?”
    Tôi sẽ nói: “Này, bạn à, hãy lắng nghe, nếu có điều gì khiến bạn lo lắng, hãy ra khỏi đó.”
    Bởi vì phản xạ của tôi luôn là nếu có điều gì khiến tôi lo lắng, được rồi, đây là một bài kiểm tra cho bản thân tôi.
    Tôi thấy. Tôi cần phải vượt qua nó.
    Được rồi. Đó là một phần khác.
    Bảo vệ.
    Vâng.
    Vì vậy, trong mọi trường hợp, một số người lại hoàn toàn ngược lại.
    Vâng.
    Tôi đã có khuynh hướng chạm vào bếp lửa nóng ba lần trong khi lẽ ra chỉ nên là một lần học hỏi, và thật sự nó đã đau, xin lỗi, lần đầu tiên.
    Nhưng đó chỉ là tôi.
    Ý tôi là, ai cũng có những điều này, nhưng điều tôi đang khám phá, chắc chắn qua những gì bạn đang chia sẻ với chúng tôi hôm nay, nhưng cũng như việc khám phá những điều này là rằng rất nhiều khía cạnh của cuộc sống được cấu trúc, đặc biệt là ngày nay với điện thoại, yêu thích điện thoại, yêu thích mạng xã hội, nhưng rất nhiều khía cạnh trong cuộc sống được cấu trúc để lấp đầy mọi khoảng trống giữa các hoạt động.
    Và tôi muốn có suy nghĩ của bạn về những điều mà bạn thấy là những trở ngại chủ động đối với việc thực hiện những công việc tốt mà bạn đang mô tả hôm nay, công việc tự thân.
    Tôi sẽ không bao giờ yêu cầu, tôi đoán, để coi thường thế giới chỉ vì mục đích của chính nó.
    Nhưng tôi nghĩ mọi người giờ đây đang bắt đầu nhận ra cách mà một số công nghệ và thói quen lối sống đặc trưng cho năm năm hoặc mười năm qua thực sự đang làm trầm trọng thêm vấn đề của chúng ta liên quan đến bản thân, không chỉ là động lực giữa các cá nhân.
    Và bạn có vẻ đang suy nghĩ về bức tranh lớn rất nhiều, vì vậy tôi rất tò mò về suy nghĩ của bạn.
    Vâng, vì vậy tất cả những chiếc máy nhỏ này mà chúng ta có và tất cả các cách mà chúng ta không bao giờ dành thời gian nào cho bản thân hoặc ở một mình hay suy nghĩ, chỉ tiếp tục nuôi dưỡng những phần bảo vệ này, những sự phân tâm này và để lại càng nhiều hơn những phần bị lưu đày.
    Vì vậy, nỗi sợ hãi của rất nhiều người khi không có gì để làm là vì khi họ không làm việc, trong trường hợp của bạn, thì những phần bị lưu đày này bắt đầu tiến lên, không bị phân tâm khỏi chúng.
    Trong trường hợp của tôi, tôi đã đề cập đến cha tôi, tôi là anh cả trong sáu người con trai, tôi đã được mong đợi trở thành một bác sĩ như ông và một nhà nghiên cứu và tôi đã thoát khỏi số phận đó bởi vì tôi có ADD không được chẩn đoán và không phải là một sinh viên giỏi, và ba trong số các em trai tôi là những bác sĩ nghiên cứu.
    Nhưng tôi là đứa lớn nhất, vì vậy ông đã thực sự khắt khe với tôi về việc lười biếng và vô giá trị và những thứ tương tự.
    Vì vậy, tôi đã ra khỏi gia đình của mình với rất nhiều cảm giác vô giá trị và thực sự, mô hình này sẽ không tồn tại nếu tôi không có điều đó vì tôi có một phần phải chứng minh ông sai và thúc đẩy tôi, không đến mức mà bạn đang nói, chúng ta ngủ trong văn phòng hay bất cứ điều gì, nhưng đã thúc đẩy tôi tìm kiếm mô hình này và sau đó phải chịu đựng rất nhiều phản đối để đưa nó đến vị trí hiện tại.
    Và nếu tôi không làm việc về điều đó và nếu tôi không nhận được những lời khen ngợi, thì cảm giác vô giá trị đó sẽ trồi lên và sau đó tôi sẽ phải đối phó với những “tin chữa cháy” khác để xử lý điều đó.
    Và tôi không chỉ có phần nghiện làm việc, mà còn có một phần có thể đóng cửa trái tim và khiến tôi không quan tâm đến những gì người khác nghĩ vì tôi đã bị tấn công bởi tâm lý học truyền thống và những thứ tương tự.
    Để phát triển các hệ thống gia đình nội tâm?
    Vâng.
    Tôi đã bị xấu hổ tại Grand Rounds vài lần và tôi đã ở trong Khoa Tâm lý học.
    Chuyện gì đang xảy ra với lĩnh vực tâm lý học?
    Đó là một câu hỏi hay.
    Để nói rằng tôi đã bị chi phối khi tôi phát triển điều này bởi những người bảo vệ này và nó đã giúp tôi vượt qua tất cả, nhưng nó không phục vụ cho tôi trong vai trò lãnh đạo một cộng đồng và tôi đã may mắn có một số sinh viên dám đối đầu với những phần của tôi và chỉ đơn giản nói: “Bạn không thể tiếp tục như thế này nếu bạn muốn có ích cho chúng tôi.”
    Và tôi đã lắng nghe và làm việc với cảm giác vô giá trị đó và bây giờ tôi không còn nữa.
    Tôi không cần phải làm việc.
    Chỉ là tôi cảm thấy tự do vì tôi không còn sợ hãi điều đó sẽ nổi lên nếu tôi không bị phân tâm.
    Và bây giờ chúng ta có nhiều sự phân tâm hơn bao giờ hết như chúng ta đang nói.
    Đúng, điểm đau có thể trở thành nguồn gốc của sự trưởng thành và giá trị to lớn đối với thế giới dựa trên những gì bạn đã phát triển.
    Hãy nhớ rằng tôi đã biết về công việc của bạn không chỉ qua Martha Beck, dù sao Martha cũng vậy, mà còn qua nhiều nhà tâm lý học tài năng và học giả đáng kinh ngạc trong lĩnh vực tâm lý nghiên cứu và thực tế là một bác sĩ tâm thần nữa.
    Vâng, có một số bác sĩ tâm thần tốt.
    Có thể tôi sẽ chỉ chia sẻ, một bác sĩ tâm thần mà tôi rất coi trọng đã nói với tôi, tôi sẽ không tiết lộ ai là người này, nhưng họ đã nói: “Bạn có biết tại sao có nhiều bác sĩ tâm thần kém như vậy không?”
    Đây không phải là một trò đùa thực sự, mặc dù nghe như một trò khởi đầu cho một trò đùa.
    Tôi đã nói: “Không, tại sao?”
    Và họ đã nói: “Vì nếu bạn là một bác sĩ phẫu thuật tim ngực và 30% bệnh nhân của bạn chết, bạn bị coi là một bác sĩ phẫu thuật tim ngực khá tệ.”
    Nếu bạn là một bác sĩ tâm thần, trừ khi bệnh nhân của bạn tự sát thường xuyên, bạn có thể có một “sự nghiệp thành công” và không ai bao giờ nghi ngờ liệu bạn có giỏi công việc của mình hay không.
    Bởi vì lĩnh vực A đang thiếu công cụ, B, giả định rằng có rất nhiều thứ không được cải thiện, và cứ như vậy, và họ đã liệt kê ra tất cả những lý do khiến lĩnh vực tâm lý học tràn ngập những gì họ mô tả là bác sĩ tâm thần kém.
    Vì vậy, tôi thực sự tin rằng có một số bác sĩ tâm thần xuất sắc ở ngoài kia, như nghiên cứu và lâm sàng và cả hai.
    Tôi không biết điều đó có ảnh hưởng gì không.
    Nghe có vẻ như bạn đã tự vượt qua mối quan hệ của mình với các bác sĩ tâm thần.
    Bạn không cần những phát biểu của tôi.
    Tôi hoàn toàn đồng ý với bạn, vâng.
    Và tôi đã cố gắng ở lại trong tâm lý học và cứ va phải bức tường gạch, vì vậy tôi đã đi qua nhiều năm không thành công trong 30 năm, và bây giờ nó bắt đầu quay lại với ngành tâm lý học.
    Vì vậy, điều đó cảm thấy tốt theo cách đó.
    Thật thú vị khi thấy thời điểm trong một lĩnh vực là rất quan trọng, không chỉ là một lĩnh vực học thuật, mà còn là một lĩnh vực lâm sàng và cả về tinh thần.
    Nếu ai đó quan tâm đến việc hiểu nơi chúng ta đang ở trong trường phái y học và văn hóa, tôi rất khuyến nghị đọc cuốn sách “On the Move” của Oliver Sacks.
    Ông ấy rõ ràng là một nhà thần kinh học và tác giả, nhưng ông mô tả về việc bước vào y học và hoạt động trong các lĩnh vực khác nhau. Ông đã làm việc về chứng đau đầu một thời gian. Điều đó khá thú vị. Ông đã viết một cuốn sách về chứng migraine. Ông làm việc với trẻ em trong phổ tự kỷ và nhiều lĩnh vực khác, và trong từng lĩnh vực đó, ông đều bị một số cá nhân tấn công mạnh mẽ vì lý do nào đó, thường là từ cấp trên, bị đuổi khỏi các trường đại học, rồi lại chuyển sang trường khác. Thật ra, ông cũng đã gặp phải một số vấn đề của riêng mình. Đúng vậy. Thời điểm đó, ông là một người nghiện ma túy methamphetamine và những thứ như vậy, nhưng ông đã vượt qua và trở thành Oliver Sacks vĩ đại như ông đã trở thành. Nhưng ông mô tả những lĩnh vực này có một nền văn hóa lúc đó thực sự cố gắng kiềm chế những ý tưởng mới và kìm hãm mọi người lại. Và rồi vào cuối sự nghiệp, một số trường đại học mà thực chất đã sa thải ông trước đó, các bệnh viện và trường đại học, đang cố gắng dụ ông quay lại với nhiều vị trí khác nhau, vì giờ đây ông là một người nổi tiếng đã viết một bộ phim hoặc làm việc trong bộ phim “Awakenings.” Điều đó đã tiết lộ sự giả dối của những cơ quan lớn này, và điều đó khiến tôi cười nhưng cũng nhận ra rằng đối với những người trong chúng ta đang làm giáo dục sức khỏe cộng đồng ở bất kỳ cấp độ nào, và chắc chắn trong những cách tiếp cận không truyền thống này, thì thời điểm này là đúng để chia sẻ chúng, và tin tốt là không ai sống mãi mãi. Vì vậy, bạn biết đấy, những người cũ sẽ chết đi hoặc nghỉ hưu, đúng không? Điều đó là đúng, và tôi sẽ không ngồi chờ đợi bộ phận tâm thần học mời tôi quay lại. Tôi sẽ không hỏi bộ phận nào. Chúng ta có thể có một cuộc thảo luận bên ngoài về điều đó. Họ có thể sẽ làm như vậy. Chắc chắn rồi. Còn một vài câu hỏi nữa. Đầu tiên, trở lại vấn đề về bối cảnh văn hóa lớn hơn, tôi yêu sự lạc quan được lồng ghép trong quan điểm của bạn rằng chúng ta có thể, nếu Chúa cho phép, giúp đảng Dân chủ và đảng Cộng hòa tìm được một số điểm chung xung quanh những vấn đề quan trọng nhất, rằng chúng ta có thể xóa bỏ chủ nghĩa phân biệt chủng tộc hủy diệt, mọi hình thức phân biệt chủng tộc. Nhưng với cách bạn đã mô tả, thì việc thực thi điều đó trong thế giới là điều đầu tiên cần phải xử lý, đúng không? Nếu mọi người có thể nhìn thấy những phần đó của chính mình, và làm việc với chúng, thì chúng ta có khả năng làm được điều đó. Và với việc chấn thương gần như tồn tại khắp nơi, đúng không, thì mọi người có thể bắt đầu giải quyết chấn thương của chính họ để họ có thể gây ra ít chấn thương hơn cho những người khác. Tôi đoán đó về cơ bản là mục tiêu cuối cùng của nhân loại. Và tôi, như rất nhiều người gần đây, không chỉ trong năm ngoái mà thực tế trong suốt 10 năm qua, đã có cảm giác rằng, ôi trời, dường như số lượng vấn đề chỉ đang tăng lên theo cấp số nhân. Làm thế nào để chúng ta có thể hiểu được điều này? Và có quá nhiều trò đổ lỗi đang diễn ra, kiểu như, chuyện này là do cái này, chuyện kia là do cái kia. Và đó hoàn toàn không phải là một giải pháp. Vì vậy, tôi yêu sự lạc quan của bạn, rằng điều đó là có thể. Và câu hỏi của tôi là, làm thế nào để chúng ta bắt đầu điều đó? Ừ, vâng, đó là điều tôi đã làm việc trong vài năm qua. Và những gì tôi có thể nói là, ví dụ, tôi đã dành 20 năm, như bạn biết đấy, tôi đã làm việc với chứng Bulimia, như tôi đã nói, và tôi nghĩ, được rồi, điều này thực sự hiệu quả với nhóm đối tượng đó. Bạn có những người bị bulimia để về cơ bản không còn bị bulimia nữa. Vâng. Wow. Rồi tôi nghĩ, được đấy, hãy xem liệu không có phần xấu có thực sự đúng hay không. Và tôi đã đến với những nhóm đối tượng khó khăn nhất mà tôi có thể tìm thấy. Trong 20 năm, tôi làm việc với DID và tôi làm việc với… DID, xin lỗi. Vâng. rối loạn danh tính phân ly, như rối loạn nhân cách đa dạng, và tôi làm việc với những bệnh nhân được gọi là rối loạn nhân cách biên giới và… Vâng, rất phổ biến, đúng không? Vâng. Trước đây, khi bạn nói về bulimia, bulimia nổi tiếng là rất khó điều trị, chưa nói đến việc chữa khỏi. Đó là bởi vì mọi người chiến đấu với các triệu chứng, họ cố gắng loại bỏ triệu chứng thay vì lắng nghe phần bên trong khiến họ ăn uống thái quá và điều đó là do đâu. Đến từ mô hình liệu pháp một kèm một đến một mô hình mà mọi người có thể tự làm việc này cả ở nhà lẫn trong các nhóm. Nhưng nếu tôi đúng khi nghĩ vậy, dường như việc hoàn thành công việc với chính mình là bước đi đầu tiên thực sự. Vâng. Không có gì có thể thay thế cho điều đó. Vâng. Vâng. Và bạn biết đấy, trong thế giới hoạt động, luôn có một loại… Bạn đang lãng phí thời gian của mình, nhưng đã có sự phân cực giữa việc ở trong tư duy của người hoạt động, thực sự cố gắng thay đổi những thứ trong thế giới bên ngoài so với việc chỉ ngồi im và chỉ chú tâm vào bên trong mà không làm một nhà hoạt động. Nhưng tôi đang làm việc với nhiều người mà bạn sẽ nhận ra trong vai trò nhà hoạt động. Và khi họ đến với tôi, họ đang làm hoạt động của mình từ phần chính nghĩa, phán xét. Nếu chúng ta có thể giúp họ lùi lại một bước và thực hiện hoạt động từ cái tôi của họ, họ sẽ có tác động hoàn toàn khác. Mọi người sẵn lòng lắng nghe họ, trong khi khi họ ở trong trạng thái chính nghĩa đó, không ai muốn lắng nghe sự xấu hổ mà điều đó mang lại; nó cần phải là cả hai. Mọi người cần làm công việc của họ, tiếp cận cái tôi và sau đó bắt đầu cố gắng thay đổi thế giới bên ngoài, hoặc không trước cái này rồi sau đó đến cái kia, nhưng ít nhất là đồng thời. Tuyệt vời. Không, thực sự tuyệt vời. Tôi không nghĩ rằng chúng ta đã từng thực hiện một podcast nào như thế này, nơi khán giả có cơ hội thực hiện self-work ngay lập tức. Rất cảm ơn bạn đã cho tôi cơ hội này. Vâng, tôi không biết rằng tôi đã từng nghe một cuộc thảo luận nào như vậy, thành thật mà nói, điều đó chỉ là minh chứng cho bạn và sự dũng cảm của bạn. Rất rõ ràng rằng quyết định của bạn không theo đuổi ngành nội tiết là một quyết định mà tất cả chúng tôi đều cảm ơn. Đó không phải là một quyết định. Những người bạn tôi là bác sĩ nội tiết sẽ phải chấp nhận rằng chúng tôi có rất nhiều bác sĩ nội tiết tốt. Chúng tôi cần bạn, Tiến sĩ.
    Dick Schwartz, để tìm thấy bản thân trong lĩnh vực khám phá và tạo ra một phương pháp trị liệu và tự làm việc thực sự mới mẻ, có khả năng thay đổi văn hóa, thay đổi thế giới. Đó là mục tiêu. Vâng, đó không chỉ là những từ ngữ. Đó là những điều thực sự khát vọng, có thể đạt được nếu mọi người làm công việc này.
    Và khi đến đây hôm nay, chia sẻ với chúng tôi cấu trúc của các hệ thống gia đình nội tâm và một buổi trình diễn về cách nó có thể hoạt động, cũng như cung cấp cho mọi người cơ hội để tự thực hiện nó trong thời gian thực, và cho chúng tôi cái nhìn của bạn về những điều xung quanh cũng như bên trong với sự rõ ràng tuyệt vời và một cảm giác yêu thương chân thành dành cho mọi người. Nhưng tôi cũng thích tính cụ thể của nó rất nhiều. Nó rất cụ thể. Đúng không? Nó không phải là trừu tượng, và tôi thực sự đánh giá cao điều đó, và tôi chắc chắn rằng mọi người khác cũng cảm thấy như vậy.
    Vì vậy, tôi muốn cảm ơn bạn vì đã đến đây hôm nay. Để chia sẻ điều này, chúng tôi sẽ cung cấp các liên kết đến những nơi mà mọi người có thể tìm hiểu thêm qua sách, khóa học và các tài nguyên khác mà bạn đã tạo ra, và cũng chỉ vì công việc mà bạn đã làm và vì chính bạn. Thật là một niềm vui thực sự, và tôi rất vui vì chúng ta đã thực hiện điều này.
    Tôi cũng vậy. Ôi, trời ơi. Những phần lo lắng nhỏ của tôi đang gây rắc rối cho tôi rất nhiều, nhưng một khi chúng ta bắt đầu, tôi cảm thấy kết nối, và tôi cảm nhận được sự đánh giá và sự quan tâm của bạn, vì vậy chúng ta có thể có một kiểu trao đổi từ tự thân, điều tôi yêu thích. Tôi thực sự thích dành thời gian và năng lượng đó.
    Đúng vậy. Và bạn cũng là một người phỏng vấn tuyệt vời nữa, nên, ừ. Cảm ơn.
    Thực ra, tất cả điều này là một công việc xuất phát từ tình yêu và một sự rơi tự do từ sự tò mò.
    Vâng. Điều đó rất rõ ràng. Tôi chắc chắn.
    Tôi hy vọng sẽ tiếp tục cuộc trò chuyện.
    Chúng tôi rất mong muốn. Tuyệt vời. Cảm ơn rất nhiều.
    Cảm ơn bạn rất nhiều. Cảm ơn bạn đã tham gia buổi thảo luận hôm nay với Tiến sĩ Richard Schwartz. Để tìm hiểu thêm về công việc của ông và để tìm các liên kết đến nhiều cuốn sách tuyệt vời của ông, vui lòng xem phần ghi chú của chương trình. Nếu bạn đang học hỏi từ và/hoặc thưởng thức podcast này, vui lòng đăng ký kênh YouTube của chúng tôi. Đó là một cách hỗ trợ tuyệt vời mà không tốn phí.
    Ngoài ra, vui lòng nhấn theo dõi podcast trên cả Spotify và Apple, và trên Spotify lẫn Apple, bạn có thể để lại cho chúng tôi đánh giá tối đa là năm sao. Nếu bạn có câu hỏi cho tôi hoặc nhận xét về podcast hoặc chủ đề mà bạn muốn tôi xem xét cho podcast Huberman Lab, vui lòng đặt chúng trong phần bình luận trên YouTube. Tôi đọc tất cả các bình luận.
    Vui lòng kiểm tra các nhà tài trợ được đề cập ở đầu và xuyên suốt tập hôm nay. Đó là cách tốt nhất để hỗ trợ podcast này.
    Đối với những ai chưa biết, tôi có một cuốn sách mới sắp phát hành. Đó là cuốn sách đầu tiên của tôi. Nó có tiêu đề “Protocols and Operating Manual for the Human Body.” Đây là cuốn sách mà tôi đã làm việc trong hơn năm năm và dựa trên hơn 30 năm nghiên cứu và kinh nghiệm, và nó bao gồm các giao thức cho mọi thứ từ giấc ngủ đến tập thể dục đến các giao thức kiểm soát căng thẳng liên quan đến sự tập trung và động lực.
    Và tất nhiên, tôi cung cấp các chứng minh khoa học cho các giao thức được bao gồm. Cuốn sách hiện đã có sẵn để đặt trước tại protocallsbook.com. Tại đây bạn có thể tìm các liên kết đến các nhà cung cấp khác nhau, bạn có thể chọn cái bạn thích nhất. Một lần nữa, cuốn sách có tên là “Protocols and Operating Manual for the Human Body.”
    Nếu bạn chưa theo dõi tôi trên mạng xã hội, tôi là Huberman Lab trên tất cả các nền tảng mạng xã hội. Nên đó là Instagram, X formerly known as Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn và Threads. Và trên tất cả các nền tảng đó, tôi thảo luận về khoa học và các công cụ liên quan đến khoa học, một số nội dung có sự giao thoa với nội dung của podcast Huberman Lab, nhưng phần lớn thì khác biệt với nội dung trên podcast Huberman Lab.
    Một lần nữa, đó là Huberman Lab trên tất cả các nền tảng mạng xã hội. Và nếu bạn chưa đăng ký bản tin mạng nơ-ron của chúng tôi, bản tin mạng nơ-ron là một bản tin hàng tháng miễn phí hoàn toàn bao gồm tóm tắt podcast cũng như những gì chúng tôi gọi là giao thức dưới dạng PDF từ một đến ba trang bao gồm mọi thứ từ cách tối ưu hóa giấc ngủ của bạn, cách tối ưu hóa dopamine, sự tiếp xúc lạnh có chủ ý, chúng tôi có một giao thức thể dục cơ bản bao gồm huấn luyện tim mạch và huấn luyện sức đề kháng. Tất cả những điều đó đều có sẵn hoàn toàn miễn phí. Bạn chỉ cần vào hubermanlab.com, vào tab menu ở góc trên bên phải, cuộn xuống bản tin và nhập email của bạn. Và tôi nên nhấn mạnh rằng chúng tôi không chia sẻ email của bạn với bất kỳ ai.
    Cảm ơn một lần nữa vì đã tham gia buổi thảo luận hôm nay với Tiến sĩ Richard Schwartz. Và cuối cùng nhưng không kém phần quan trọng, cảm ơn bạn đã quan tâm đến khoa học.
    歡迎收聽 Huberman 實驗室播客,這裡我們討論科學及基於科學的日常生活工具。
    我是 Andrew Huberman,斯坦福醫學院的神經生物學和眼科教授。
    今天的嘉賓是 Richard Schwartz 博士。
    Richard Schwartz 博士是內部家庭系統治療(Internal Family Systems Therapy,IFS)的創始人,這是一種獨特的治療形式,與他人關係的中心性較低,而是主要專注於識別自己和個性中在不同情境中傾向出現的部分,這些部分通常會產生焦慮、怨恨或憂鬱。
    內部家庭系統治療的另一個重要特徵是,它不僅專注於修復我們內心的挑戰;它還教你如何提升自信、開放性和同理心。
    今天的集數與我們之前的播客有所不同,這有兩個原因。
    首先,Schwartz 博士帶我進行了一段簡短的 IFS 治療的過程,使你能夠看到它在實踐中的具體樣子,然後他也會引導你這位聽眾進行這一過程。
    所以,正如你將很快看到並體驗的那樣,內部家庭系統治療讓你能夠克服挑戰性的困擾點,基本上是你內心不喜歡的部分或感受,然後它會教你如何將這些感受轉化為你自己更有功能的面向。
    因此,正如你將很快看到的那樣,內部家庭系統治療既非常有趣,又是一種令人難以置信的賦權實踐。
    這也是一種目前已經被研究過的治療形式,並且有大量同行評審的科學支持其有效性。
    在今天的集數結尾,Dick Schwartz 博士將向你展示,我們與不同人和事物之間所傾向的許多負面反應往往源於一些基本模式,一旦我們理解它們,我們就能將其真正轉化為更積極的反應。
    這是一個非常有趣的實踐。
    這是你可以在今天的集數中應用的,並且能夠在未來生活中回顧並應用的。
    在開始之前,我想強調這個播客與我在斯坦福的教學和研究角色是分開的。
    然而,這是我希望向公眾提供零成本科學和科學相關工具信息的努力的一部分。
    遵循這一主題,本集包括贊助商。
    接下來是我與 Richard Schwartz 博士的討論。
    Dick Schwartz 博士,歡迎您。
    謝謝你,Andrew。
    能與你在一起真是太愉快了。
    我聽了很多關於你和你的工作及內部家庭系統模型的事情。
    我有機會做了一點這方面的工作。
    坦白說,我不知道我進行這項工作的對象是否經過正式訓練。
    所以我想先問你,什麼是內部家庭系統,這些不同的組成部分是什麼?
    在我們這樣做的過程中,我相信人們會考慮這些不同的組成部分如何與他們自己的生活和他們生活中的人相關。
    是的。
    最初,我將其開發為一種心理治療方法,這大概是現在最常用的方式,但它也成為了一種生活實踐,以及一種理解人類心智的範式,作為對文化範式的替代。
    這言之甚重,這是一段奇妙的旅程。
    我了解佛洛伊德的精神分析,了解許多不同的臨床心理學分支。
    有認知行為療法。
    那內部家庭系統的核心組成部分是什麼?
    是的。
    一個基本假設是心智不是單一的,實際上我們都是多重人格,這不是診斷意義上的,而是我們都有我稱之為的部分,其他系統稱之為副人格、我狀態等,這是心智的自然狀態,因為我們天生就有這些因為它們都是非常有價值的,並且擁有幫助我們生存和繁榮的品質和資源。
    但創傷和所謂的依附損傷以及我們所承受的各種衝擊,迫使這些自然有價值的小部分進入可能會毀滅的角色。
    而且它們並不喜歡這樣,但因為它們在創傷期間常常被凍結在時間中,並且仍然活在仿佛仍在發生的情況下,所以它們以極端的保護角色干擾你的生活。
    是的,所以我在 40 年前,現在我想是 41 年前,偶然發現了這個現象,這是一段驚人的旅程。
    那時你已經在臨床心理學上執業了嗎?
    實際上,我在馬里蘭州獲得了家庭治療的博士學位。
    所以我是家庭治療運動的一部分,從靜態工作中跳出來。
    有一種極化,我們認為可以通過重新組織家庭來治癒所有這些症狀,只需這樣做即可。
    我們不必在內心世界中糾結。
    我去證明這一點,這大約是在 1983 年,通過將一群有厭食症的孩子及其家庭聚集在一起,並試圖按照書中所說的方式重新組織家庭,但失敗了。
    孩子們並沒有意識到自己已經被治癒了,他們仍然繼續暴食和催吐。
    所以出於沮喪,我開始詢問為什麼,他們開始使用部分這個語言,他們會說,當我生活中發生不好的事情時,它觸發了這個批評者,他在裡面叫我各種各樣的名字,這直接觸及到一個感到空虛、孤獨和毫無價值的部分。
    而這樣的感受是如此令人痛苦,以至於暴食部分會進來並把我帶走,讓我遠離所有的痛苦,但批評者進來並攻擊我因暴食而受到的影響,然後這種批評直接擊中了那個毫無價值部分的心。
    所以對我這個家庭治療師來說,這聽起來像我在外部家庭中研究過的那些循環互動序列。
    所以我就感到好奇,開始探索。
    這些是否是存在於每個人心中的不同部分?它們是否由清晰且明確的聲音來表達,還是人們通常只是體驗它們作為自我?就像我的內在批評者一樣,你會給我們其他的名稱和頭銜,還是這些通常是在人的意識下運作的部分?兩者皆有。大多數人都意識到自己是一個批評者,但有時你並不意識到這些我們稱之為“被流放者”的部分,因為你不想感受它們的情感。它們被困在這些糟糕的創傷場景中。為了在生活中生存,你不得不將它們推開。因此,對於這些部分,很多人並不真正意識到它們,直到這些受到保護的部分給出空間,並為被流放者打開大門。
    我想先稍作休息,並感謝我們的贊助商 BetterHelp。BetterHelp 提供由持證治療師進行的專業心理治療,完全在線進行。實際上,我個人已有超過三十年的時間每週接受治療。事實上,我認為定期進行心理治療與定期運動同樣重要,當然,我每週也會進行運動。卓越的治療提供三樣東西。首先,它提供一個你可以信任並可以與之談論幾乎所有問題的良好關係。其次,它可以提供情感支持和定向指導的支持。第三,專家的治療可以提供有用的見解。這些見解不僅有助於改善你的情感生活和人際關係,當然還有你對自己的關係以及你的職業生涯和各種目標。BetterHelp 讓你很容易找到一位與你共鳴的專家治療師,並能提供來自有效治療的三種好處。此外,由於 BetterHelp 允許完全在線進行治療,這使得它在忙碌的日程中非常高效且容易適應。如果你想嘗試 BetterHelp,可以訪問 betterhelp.com/huberman 以獲得你第一個月的 10% 折扣。再次提醒一下,那是 betterhelp.com/huberman。
    今天的節目還由 David 赞助。David 的蛋白棒與其他任何產品都不同。它含有 28 克蛋白質,只有 150 卡路里,且不含糖。沒錯,28 克蛋白質,其中 75% 的卡路里來自蛋白質。這比第二接近的蛋白棒高出 50%。David 的蛋白棒味道也很棒,質地更是令人驚豔。我最喜歡的口味是巧克力餅乾麵糰,不過我也喜歡新的巧克力花生醬口味和巧克力布朗尼口味。基本上,我非常喜歡所有的口味,它們都非常美味。事實上,最困難的挑戰是知道在什麼日子吃哪些口味,以及每天吃幾次。我限制自己每天吃兩根,但我實在是太喜歡它們了。藉由 David,我可以在零食的卡路里中攝取 28 克蛋白質,這使我能夠輕鬆達到每天每磅體重 1 克蛋白質的目標,而且不會攝入過多的卡路里。我通常在下午作為零食吃一根 David 的蛋白棒,每當我外出或旅行時,總是會隨身帶著一根。它們非常美味,考慮到有 28 克蛋白質,它們在 150 卡路里中相當滿足。如果你想嘗試 David,可以訪問 davidprotein.com/huberman。再次提醒一下,那是 davidprotein.com/huberman。
    當然,我們想深入探討各種保護者角色或頭銜,以及被流放者。在此之前,由於你提到了創傷這個話題,而這是一個我認為許多人都感興趣的主題,我很好奇,你是如何定義創傷的?你為什麼認為創傷往往會將我們鎖定在代表早期時期的狀態中?為什麼這與時間感知這件事如此密切相關?嗯,對於為什麼的問題我不能完全回答,但這確實是。對我來說,創傷不一定是創傷性的。當不好的事情發生在你身上時。如果你能夠接觸到你和瑪莎·貝克所稱的自我,即資本家,並轉向你受傷的部分,而不是將其推開和鎖起來,並擁抱它,將它靠近你,這意味著面對你的痛苦,這與我們大多數人所試圖做的相反。但如果你這樣做,你可以幫助它釋放從創傷中獲得的感受,那麼你就不會受到創傷。創傷性的是不好的事情發生。這些我們更脆弱的部分,最敏感的部分因為所發生的事受到傷害或感到毫無價值,或者感到恐懼。然後我們將它們鎖起來,因為我們不想再感受那些情感,而我們身邊的每個人都告訴我們放手,往前走,不要回頭。因此,我們最終流放了我們最敏感的部分,僅僅因為它們受傷。當你有很多被流放者時,你的感覺會更加脆弱。世界似乎更加危險,因為任何事情都可能觸發它們。而當它們被觸發時,它們會爆發並接管。因此,這些原始情感的火焰就會噴湧而出。所以其他部分被迫擔任這些管理者或保護者角色。其中一些試圖管理你的生活,以便你不再被觸發,以便例如,沒有人能夠接近你以觸發任何那些。或者讓你看起來很好,以免被拒絕,或在很高的水準上表現出來,以抵消那種毫無價值的感覺。許多這些部分成為了批評者,因為在他們努力讓你看起來好的過程中,他們在對你大喊,希望你表現得更好,讓你看起來更好。
    然後還有其他我們稱之為管理者保護者的部分,對某些人,特別是女性來說,這些龐大的照顧角色讓她們無法照顧自己,而只能照顧其他人。所以我可以繼續說下去。管理角色的共同特徵有很多。我想要澄清的是,當我討論這些時,這些並不是這些部分的本質,這是大多數領域所犯的一個大錯誤,即假設批評者只是內化的、批判性的父母聲音,而不是傾聽和理解它正拼命試圖保護你。因此,這些部分並不如它們表面上所顯示的那樣。這是它們被迫進入的角色。再舉個類比,外部家庭中,像功能失調家庭中的孩子被迫進入這些極端的角色,而這些角色並不是他們的本來面貌。這是他們因為家庭的動力學而被迫進入的角色。這種情況在內部家庭中也一樣。因此,我們大多數人都有很多我們所稱的管理者。他們讓我們來到這裡,幫助我們在事業上,其他系統會稱之為防衛或自我。而在靈性上,它們也受到指責。然而,它們的整個運作模式是將一切保持在控制之下,取悅所有人,你就能生存。這個世界有一種方式會突破這些防衛,觸發流亡者。當這種情況發生時,這是一個重大緊急情況,因為,這些原始情感的火焰將會壓倒你,讓你難以正常運作,甚至無法起床。因此,還有其他部分會立即啟動以應對這種緊急情況。與這些管理者相比,它們是衝動的、反應性的,不顧一切。我不在乎身體或人際關係上造成的附帶損害。我只需要把你帶到那火焰之上,或者用某種物質將其撲滅,或分散你的注意力,直到它們自行熄滅。因此,我們稱這些為消防員。此外,這只是角色的名稱。一旦從這些角色中解放出來,它們會轉變成非常有價值的東西。因此,內在消防員的角色是流亡者在情感高漲的情況下浮現出來的一種表現。這是一個美麗的描述,我完全支持這個想法:我們內心擁有多重自我或自我面向。榮格也這麼說過,我想,對吧?是的,榮格早在很久以前就提出過這些。我喜歡這一點,保護者/管理者與流亡者的區別,並不是對立的,因為它們並沒有抵觸,而是一個不同的類別,這對我來說很真實。我喜歡這種直白的語言。也許我們可以為人們建立一個心理網格。例如,假設我來找你作為病人,我說:“聽著,我會直接一點,我會誠實。我為什麼不這麼做呢?”讓我們來做吧。其實,我秘密地把你帶來這裡是為了療法。不。好吧,我是一個很久以來能夠組織好自己生活的人。我與我的同事們有順利的互動,也有很好的友誼。我現在與直系家庭的關係也非常好。事實上,非常好。我仍然在與一些人處理一些事情,但這幾天我在過著充滿喜悅和感激的生活。然而,我不會為了隱私而提供這些細節,但前幾天我和一位家庭成員有過一次討論。他們對我有抱怨,我以為我們已經解決了這個問題,結果變成了一場充滿摩擦的對話,迅速升級到我們得出了不如就此給彼此一些認真空間的提議,這並不反映出我有多深愛這個人,或者他們對我的愛。這只是我們兩個人都處於這種高壓的狀態,幸運的是,這場談話最後以一條涉及更多接觸的前進方向結束,這都讓我們感到很好,但在我們都感到不知所措的那一刻,發生了什麼事?我們都是成年人。那麼,互相憤怒的不知所措嗎?挫折。挫折。是的,挫折。就像前面的對話,我感覺我沒有……我在說話,他們在說話,但我覺得有太多潛在的緊張情緒,基於不良溝通的歷史,這在我們雙方都攜帶的強烈情感之上,以至於我們無法從那個狀態中解析事情。因此,我坐在椅子上告訴自己:“好吧,我決定五分鐘內不說任何話,因為我了解自己。”並不是因為我認為我會說出什麼尖銳的話,而是因為我只是覺得:“這樣不行。我就像在牆上撞頭。他們聽不見我。我顯然也沒有聽見他們。”幫助我度過這一切的是,基於我所學到的,我決定放下。而“放下”這個詞對我來說曾經意味著放棄真相,這讓我感到非常害怕,因為當你說放下時,幾乎就像在說:“在某種情境下,放下意味著無論如何你都是對的。”而你是對的。我本來要說的,對的。不過我已經開始意識到,對我來說的放下只是瞬間的放下,這樣我才能獲得更好的視野,無論是內在還是外在的視野。對我來說,在這種情況下擁抱放下的感覺非常不舒服,但我現在學會了這是一種獲得觀點的好方法。但即使當我描述這一切時,整個情況也都如此沉重。儘管結局良好,我卻像是來自那通電話後,“唉。”是的。就像,“唉。”那就像我從未跑過馬拉松,但我寧願去跑一次馬拉松,也不想每週經歷兩次這樣的情況。完全同意。是的,幾天前我和我妻子有一個這樣的對話。好的。好吧。我們當時只是換了個話題,說:“好吧,現在就讓它過去,我們稍後再談。”所以我可以告訴你我對發生的事情的看法,但如果你願意,我們可以進一步探索一下。當然。是嗎?是的。
    當然。
    好的。
    我們應該從挫折和憤怒的那一部分開始嗎?
    當然。
    好的。
    你準備好了嗎?
    我相信是的。
    對。
    好的。
    所以,記住那種感覺,然後專注於它,找出它在你的身體裡或周圍的地方。
    好的。
    你在哪裡找到它?
    在我腹部的中間與額頭後方之間,就在那裡有壓力。
    很棒。
    兩個地方。
    很棒。
    你對這個部分有如此清晰的認識。
    當你專注在這裡時,你對這部分感覺如何?
    我不知道。
    這感覺非常不舒服。
    所以你不喜歡它?
    不。
    我不喜歡它。
    對。
    這是有道理的,因為這確實有時會加劇你和朋友之間的事情,而你不會感覺很好。
    所以我理解為什麼你不喜歡它,但我們會請那些不喜歡它的部分給我們一些空間,讓我們只是對它產生好奇,看看這是否可能。
    好的。
    那麼你現在對它感覺如何?
    頭部稍微放鬆一點。
    對。
    有趣的是,當你要求我本土化它時,這樣是如此清晰。
    這就像是我內心的一個東西。
    就像是差不多有一隻毛絨熊那麼大,但它不是朋友。
    這不是好事。
    就像被推到了那裡。
    但當你說要對它好奇時,它似乎有點下沉了,並稍微內縮,也許稍微柔和了一些。
    所以你確實對它感到好奇?
    是的。
    好的。
    那麼請你問問它,它想讓你知道關於它的什麼。
    靜靜地。
    由你決定,無論哪種方式,自己感覺更舒服。
    好吧,既然這是個播客,對我來說在公共場合做這些事情根本不是舒服的,說實話。
    就內心詢問吧。
    當然。
    不,我會大聲說出來。
    好的。
    所以你想讓我知道關於你的什麼?
    對。
    然後等待答案。
    不要思考。
    我知道你有一個強大的認知部分,所以我們會請那部分放鬆,只需等待答案的出現。
    好吧,我的答案是基於提問後立即發生的感受,答案是我可以消散,然後我確實感覺到它消散了。
    好的。
    所以它感覺像是一種能量,當壓縮時感覺糟糕,但當我看著它時,它有點柔和,然後問了你問的問題,然後它感覺就像融入了我身體的其餘部分,但並沒有毒害我的身體,其實只是與之混合,當然我們在這裡完全是用神秘的術語在交流。
    所以它放鬆了,它可能沒有以我們所想的那種方式消散,也可能只是變得更放鬆,但只需繼續問它,在那樣的情境中如果沒有試圖以那種方式接管,它會害怕什麼會發生?
    只需問這個問題。
    如果它不試圖接管。
    對。
    如果它沒有試圖接管,它害怕什麼會發生?
    只需等等答案。
    對。
    這是一個好問題。
    好的。
    所以如果你不以那種方式接管我的系統,從我的胃到我的頭,就在我感覺那樣的時候,會發生什麼?
    對。
    不要思考,是的。
    答案來得很快,會讓我不能分辨真相。
    好的。
    所以真相對你這部分來說非常重要。
    對。
    對。
    因此,當我聽到某些我認為基本上不真實的事情時,它會浮現出來,通常與我的思想或感受有關,對吧?
    也許隨著年齡的增長,我得到了結論:兩個人可以看著同一個互動或同一件事,卻有兩個非常不同的版本。
    我對此感到可以接受。
    我非常非常敏感的一部分,人們在我的生活中都知道這一點,就是當其他人告訴我我感覺如何,我的動機是什麼或我感覺如何時。
    對我來說,那就像是與這種東西互動的一種硬性方式。
    好的。
    所以只需停留在這件事上。
    只需停留在那裡。
    好的。
    並讓它知道你明白。
    讓人們誤解你的動機對它來說真的非常困難。
    並請它多聊聊這一點。
    再一次,不要思考,但要問為什麼這麼困難,為什麼這讓它如此困擾?
    如果它放手,會發生什麼事情,它又會恐懼什麼?
    對。
    所以為什麼當這種事發生時你會害怕,為什麼你必須介入?
    我的答案對於聽眾或我自己來說都不會很滿意。
    但它說,因為如果你無法堅持住你的真相,那麼什麼都不會有意義。
    所以有一些關於意義的東西,或者沒有意義的東西,它是非常害怕的。
    對嗎?
    對。
    我的確,因為我決定成為一名生物學家,試圖理解我們大腦和身體裡的神經系統的肉,因為我覺得,並且我仍然覺得,這可以揭示一些基本的事實或真相,因為理解現實就像是對我來說非常重要,因為我覺得人類,包括我自己,當然,都是如此容易被誤解的。
    所以,真相作為外在的一種東西,我願意完全放手,像徹底地放手一樣。
    那個作為了解確切的我的動機或發生了什麼事情的真相,但通常其實是關於動機。
    什麼發生了或並沒有發生,通常可以與某人解析。
    這是我感覺需要不惜一切代價去保護的東西。
    對。
    所以這是一個保護者的部分,是吧?
    問問它是否在保護你其他脆弱的部分,當其他人對你的動機產生誤解時,它們會受傷。
    只需問那個問題。
    不要思考。
    這是一個簡單的,這是一個快速的問題,雖然不容易,但它是快速的。
    對我來說,被這樣傷害的事實是,我相信我在關係的開始和大部分時間裡,即使關係因為任何原因結束,我知道我本性上會儘量想象對方意圖中的最大的善意。
    如果我讓這個反應消散,繼續下去,在我心中,我會想像成這樣,就像是一個鈦金屬的泰迪熊形狀的東西,但它並不像一塊鈦金屬塊。我有可能會進入對他們的判斷模式。這很有趣,因為在我過去的生活中,甚至在目前的生活中,有很多人靠近我,還有一些相當合格的人告訴我,我應該不喜歡他們或將他們剔除在我的生活之外,而我確實有幾個,也許一兩個例子是我已經剔除的,但我總是傾向於嘗試看看有什麼是可以存在的。因此,那部分對我來說感覺重要,我不知道現在想起它為什麼重要。
    好吧,我們可以問一下,我聽到的是,這個鈦金屬的家伙正在壓制另一個可能對其他人非常抱有評價的部分。是的,我不喜歡這種感覺。感覺上是能量上的浪費,而且,更重要的是,感覺非常悲傷。我認為接受自己這部分是放棄一種幻想,這很可能是一種不切實際的幻想,這就是為什麼我稱之為幻想,我意識到的。因為我從小就這麼看人,我把人類視為動物之中的一部分,我們是地球的保護者,因為我們擅長技術發展,除了這一點,正如你不會,我無法想像浣熊會看另一隻浣熊說,那是一隻壞浣熊,它只是一隻狂犬病浣熊,而它們只是,我渴望對自己物種能有同樣的敏感度。我明白了。
    對,我不恨任何人。好吧,你裡面可能有一些部分是這樣的。我恨行為。我厭惡人們所說或所做的事情,當然大多數是對其他人,而不是對我,但是的,在某種廣泛的方式上對某人真的憤怒,不僅僅是那一刻,對我來說是非常困難的。但我聽到的是,這部分害怕如果不這樣做,對其他人進行評判的一部分可能會在不太友好的方式中釋放出來,這聽起來正確嗎?是的,因此裡面有這部分。只不過你們能夠把它有點放逐。
    是的。好吧。我對於你採取適當的距離感到舒適,距離可以是零,或者幾乎無限,但我應該對事物和人保持適當的距離,這樣我才能對他們保持一種最有愛的姿態。是的。我不是想在這裡聽起來很技術性,使用所有的平行結構,但我真的思考了很多。就像有些人,我無限想與之互動。你知道,我們還有其他事情要做,我們可以一起花所有的時間。但還有其他人,我愛他們,但我知道我必須保持一定的距離才能繼續愛他們。這是同樣的事情。
    所以在那一刻,幾乎就像是,但它是自動出現的,沒有我的意識參與。這不是說,聽著,這種人我可以每個月談一次之類的。我還想補充一下,您知道,在專業環境中,不是在現在,而是在遙遠的過去,當時我在一個非常層級的結構裡,我仍然在學術界,我仍然教書,但不再正式運行研究。你知道,我有幾位我非常愛和尊敬的高級同事,但他們會說或做一些我認為對其他人來說是非常不道德的事。而對我來說,我覺得他們有些刺人。所以我可能會有意識地快速走過他們的辦公室門口,以免他們說,「嘿」,因為我不想互動。而且我不熟悉把人剔除於我的生活。對。我就是不熟悉這樣做。我有點不相信這種做法作為一種價值。
    讓我們暫停一下。我給你一個小概述,告訴你我們的進展。我們從這個出現的家伙開始,與你的朋友一起,試圖保護這段關係,因為如果你繼續被誤解關於你的動機,那將會有影響。這聽起來正確嗎?是的。作為一個家庭成員。是的,這很重要。但親密的家庭成員。明白了。好的。在探索這一部分時,問它如果不這樣做,會擔心什麼事情發生。因此,有另一部分可能會出現,對那個家庭成員非常評判,真的可能對你與那個人的關係有壞影響。這聽起來正確嗎?正確。
    所以我們有這兩個,嗯,我們有你在注意所有這些,這我們應該多談談。然後我們有這兩個有些對立的部分,但有一部分是評判的部分,你真的不喜歡。因此你會非常努力去壓制它。你也有點欣賞這個家伙,但你也知道他有時會妨礙到你。一切聽起來都正確嗎?是的。沒錯。因為我在描述一個最近的情況,其中這個鈦金屬泰迪熊的存在,抱歉,我不知道為什麼說這個會讓我覺得好笑。它的形狀像是一隻泰迪熊,我在那裡沒有看到一隻泰迪熊,但大約是那個大小和形狀。它創造了一種保護,但在內部造成了一種非常不舒服的壓力。這實際上花了我幾天才消散。我確實認為這與我描述的方式有些相悖。它並不阻止我說出某些話。事實上,如果壓力太大,幾乎就是這樣的情況,當言辭開始出現時,它們並不友好。因此,這不算是真正的保護者,像是阻止我採取我不想採取的行動。更像是,它感覺上像是正在擠出所有的東西。而且顯然我對我的言辭和行動負責。我知道這一點,但確實感覺到,它在某種程度上佔據了我。
    好的。
    這樣表達是很恰當的。
    那我們再一次來回顧一下。
    我非常感謝你願意這麼脆弱,並揭示這些部分。
    這個人,其實他們兩個都可以稱為「消防員」,非常反應強烈。
    可能還有一些其他很脆弱的部分參與在其中,但我們還沒有聽到它們的聲音。
    不過如果我繼續我們的合作,我會努力獲得權限去接觸那位評判的人。
    你會發現他,也是個保護者。
    他不僅僅是一些對人的負面想法。
    正如我之前聽到的,你在生活中花了很多時間努力對人公平,
    讓自己不去評斷他們,見到他們的所作所為只是他們的行為,而不是他們的本質,這是非常棒的。
    但在這個過程中,有時我們不得不推開那些想要評判和仇恨的部分。
    我發現如果我們能去接觸這些部分,去了解他們,他們也是保護者,而且很年輕,能夠卸下他們可能背負的仇恨和評判,他們就能轉變。
    所以在某種意義上,這是一個轉變的模式,裡面沒有壞的部分。
    你去接觸裡面每一個部分,無論你認為他們有多壞,對他們保持好奇,並學習他們是如何保護的。
    然後我們幫助他們擺脫保護角色,幫助他們信任。
    有一個你,從你提到的瑪莎那裡可以運作事情。
    他們不需要去做這件事情,因為大多數都是年輕的,讓他們信任這個你來處理你的家庭成員,而不是他們必須像之前那樣接管或嘗試接管。
    這樣說有意義嗎?
    是的。
    這完全有意義。
    你剛才說的,去接觸那個評判部分的允許。
    當我聽到這句話,我的腦海中閃過兩種可能性,一個是新穎的可能性,一個是熟悉的可能性。
    熟悉的可能性是如果我真的去感受當這種模式再次出現在那個人身上時的失望,因為它至少看起來又回來了,我對這個模式非常熟悉,那會從根本上改變我對他們的感受。
    沒有錯。
    就像我試圖堅持那種善良,但當然,我想非常清楚地表達,不僅僅是對任何聽眾,還是對我自己,這個鈦合金泰迪熊的保護角色明顯創造了一種情況,當我這邊有突破時,它們並不友好,或者是以完全不具建設性的方式表達。
    是的,然後第二個可能性是我之前沒有考慮過的,但是第二個可能性是如果我讓自己去感受那種失望,那麼這段關係可能會持續。
    就像我一直把這些事看作是互相排斥的。
    在我講這一切的同時,我也意識到,誠實的聲明是,我不想給人印象我不評判他人,我是人類,我當然會評判。
    我只是說,當有一段我希望維持的關係時,我會不遺餘力地推開自己過去的經驗和/或評判的知識。
    我在這個模式中參與過的方式,最終對我來說是極其具破壞性的,因為我完全把盲目貼在眼前的事物上。
    這就是我所說的。
    有意識地。
    這就是我所提到的。
    因為我在其他維度中如此熱愛這個人,就像那樣,你知道的,這並不是缺乏更好字眼的情況,是一種全面的方法來處理事情。
    但我也會說,相對於舊類型的關係,那些不需要鈦合金保護者的關係對我來說感覺,
    所以比較之下,但也以絕對的標準來看,對我來說就像是最理想的關係之一。
    它們就像是“捏我一下”的關係,像友誼,我對家庭的某些關係,像我的同事,還有其他人。
    我也有過那樣的浪漫關係,與我狗的關係,即使人們覺得那似乎無關緊要,但那種對照,像是不需要這個保護者部分的情況,是最美好的,因為它真的感覺完全安全,無拘無束。
    我從不擔心會被內部接管,也不擔心自己會真正搞砸。
    我希望如果我搞砸了,他們會告訴我,但這完全是缺乏恐懼的。
    那麼讓我確認一下,看看討論和專注的狀況是怎樣的。
    這個過程怎麼樣?
    整體來說,我不喜歡那種鈦合金泰迪熊的感覺。
    這非常有資訊性。
    所以這是兩者的平衡。
    也許這就是為什麼我會稍微談論那種愉快的關係,以及它們對我來說的巨大正面影響。
    它們對我來說就像是一種膏藥和甘露,人的確也許就是讓我有點潤澤,因為這不是很舒服。
    但這真的很有資訊性,也告訴我,我之前與另一些人所做的內部家庭系統工作,是一次嘗試,但與此截然不同,這很有道理,因為這是你的藝術和科學。
    所以我很感激。
    是的,所以。
    是的,感覺很好。
    我早前提到的是如果我們深入這方面,我們可以達到這個泰迪熊男子能卸下他所承擔的情緒,讓他感到不適,然後他會轉變。
    我們要如何做到呢?
    他會再次專注於這些情緒。
    我們將探索他所保護的更多內容。
    無論我們是去接觸他想要保持距離的那個會毀掉關係的人,還是這些部分通常是在保護一些更脆弱的、來自你過去的東西。
    有一部分年輕的自己卡在過去,對於被誤解的動機或其他方面有很大問題。
    是的。
    我並不是說我現在需要對這一點有更清晰的理解,而是這樣做更能保護任何關係的可能性。
    我明白了。
    我覺得那份恐懼就是,如果我用我的真實視角去看發生的事情,或者當下正在發生的事情,如果我是一個所謂的更好的邊界感人,那麼這些事情早就應該結束了。
    但這有點像是一種渴望去實現幻想。
    明白了。
    我的意思是,如果我誠實地說,這就是我們會去的那部分,它保護著對於關係應該是什麼或可能是什麼的幻想,而且可能卡在某個過去的地方。
    我們會見證,像你和馬莎談到的同情見證,我們會見證他被卡住的地方和過去所發生的事情。
    然後我會讓你去把他從那個時期帶出來,然後讓他卸下那種渴望,因為這種渴望讓你受到傷害。
    然後我會讓你讓那隻泰迪熊明白不必再保護他了。
    接著我們會幫助泰迪熊卸下他承載的情感。
    然後他可以放鬆下來,他們都會開始信任你,這點我們現在可以稍微談談。
    你是誰,你和其他人有什麼不同?
    而且為了澄清,我小時候從來沒有擁有過泰迪熊。
    我有一隻填充的青蛙。
    我有一隻泰迪熊。
    嗯,我不覺得這很尷尬,我有一隻我很愛的填充青蛙,但是我害怕青蛙。
    所以我不知道為什麼會提到泰迪熊,但它的形狀非常清楚。
    但讓我再進一步解釋一下我剛才所說的,因為當你與他分開時,你在這裡找到他,我問你對他的感受時,你一開始對他是有些態度的,記得嗎?我們讓那份態度放鬆,然後對他感到好奇。
    然後你開始接觸到更多我所稱之為大寫的“自己”的部分。
    所以這是透過好奇心來實現的,好奇心往往是開始的起點。
    稍微回溯一下。
    在我早期的客戶裡,我開始與這些部分合作,比如那個批評者等等。
    一旦我明白它們並不是看起來那樣,值得被傾聽而不是對抗。
    我會幫助那些討厭它們的部分走出來,客戶能夠相對輕鬆地做到這一點。
    然後我會問你現在對這個批評者的感受如何,隨應而來的,人們會自發地說我只是對它為何叫我名字感到好奇,或者甚至會說我對它感到遺憾,因為它不得不這樣做,我要去幫助它。
    當他們處於那種狀態下,我會問你這是你哪一部分,不錯,讓我們保持這感覺。
    他們會說那不是像這些其他部分那樣的部分,那是我,那是我的本質,或者那是我的自我。
    所以我開始稱那個為大寫的“自我”。40年後,全球有成千上萬的人在做這些,結果發現這個自我在每個人身上都存在。
    就在這些部分的表面之下,當它們打開空間時,你可以迅速接觸到它,並擁有這些出色的特質,我稱之為“八個C”。
    即好奇,但也冷靜、自信、同情、勇敢、清晰、有創造力和連接。
    而那個人知道如何治療這些部分。
    所以一旦我讓某人接觸到我們所稱的自我,我會說,好的,你想對這個部分說什麼?它如何反應,現在你想對這個部分做什麼?
    我可以有點讓開。
    IFS的一個顯著特點與其他許多療法相比,不是我成為那個對於你這些受傷部分的好依附人物,或者這些內心兒童的好依附對象,而是你自己成為那個。
    你成為你自己對於這些部分的良好依附人物,或者是對於這些部分的好內心父母,或是好的內部領導者,然後他們開始信任你作為領導者,接著你開始與你的家庭成員進行互動,你只是提醒那個部分,不,我可以處理這個。
    只要讓我來,讓我留下來。
    當我和我的老婆發生這種情況時,有時候在好的一天,我可以保持在這些C字特質中,與她進行完全不同的對話,而不是讓那個保護者接管。
    我想快速休息一下,感謝我們的贊助商AG1。
    AG1是一款集維生素、礦物質、益生菌和適應原於一體的飲品。
    自2012年以來,我每天都在服用AG1,所以我很高興他們贊助這個播客。
    我開始服用AG1的原因,以及至今仍在服用AG1的原因,是因為它是最高質量和最完整的基礎營養補充劑。
    這意味著AG1確保你獲得所有必要的維生素、礦物質和其他微量營養素,為你的日常健康打下堅實的基礎。
    AG1還含有支持健康腸道微生物群的益生菌和益生元。
    你的腸道微生物群由千萬微生物組成,它們排列在你的消化道內,並影響你的免疫系統狀態、代謝健康、激素健康等等。
    所以我一直發現,當我每天服用AG1時,我的消化功能得到改善,我的免疫系統更加強壯,而我的情緒和注意力達到最佳狀態。
    事實上,如果我只能服用一種補充劑,那種補充劑會是AG1。
    如果你想試試AG1,可以前往drinkag1.com/huberman以獲取特別優惠。
    他們會在你訂購AG1時送你五包免費的旅行包和一年的維生素D3K2供應。
    再次重申,前往drinkag1.com/huberman以獲取特別優惠。
    今天的節目也由Wealthfront贊助。
    我近十年來一直在使用Wealthfront進行儲蓄和投資,我非常喜歡這個平台。
    每年初,我會設立新的目標,2025年我的一個目標是專注於儲蓄。
    由於我擁有 Wealthfront,我會將這筆儲蓄存放在我的 Wealthfront 現金帳戶中,在那裡我可以從存款中獲得 4% 的年百分比收益,您也可以。透過 Wealthfront,您可以從合作銀行那裡賺取 4% 的年百分比收益,直到您準備好花費這筆錢或投資它為止。
    使用 Wealthfront,您還可以每天以即時提取的方式免費將資金轉至符合條件的帳戶,即使在週末和假日期間也可以。這 4% 的年百分比收益並不是促銷利率,您可以存入和賺取的金額沒有上限。
    您甚至可以通過 Wealthfront 的合作銀行獲得最高 800 萬美元的 FDIC 保險保障。 Wealthfront 提供免費的即時提取,只需幾分鐘即可將您的資金轉到符合條件的外部帳戶。
    當您準備投資時,從現金帳戶轉移到 Wealthfront 的任何自動投資帳戶也只需幾分鐘的時間。目前已有百萬人正在使用 Wealthfront 來儲蓄更多、獲得更多並建立長期財富。今天就開始在您的現金上賺取 4% 的年百分比收益。
    如果您想嘗試 Wealthfront,請訪問 Wealthfront.com/Huberman,透過在您的第一個現金帳戶中存入 500 美元獲得 50 美元的免費獎金。那就是 Wealthfront.com/Huberman,立即開始。
    這是一則 Wealthfront 的有償見證。 Wealthfront 經紀公司不是銀行。 年百分比收益可能會有所變化。 欲了解更多資訊,請參見本集說明。
    有幾件事情我認為人們,如果我可以這樣說,明智地去考慮。一個是,在經典的心理動力學或認知行為療法模型中,顯然客戶或病人,有時稱為病人療法的關係,是一種與其他人存在於外部世界中的某些組件相似的結構。這種結構一直讓我略感不安。正如您所說,在內部家庭系統中,您成為您自己的治療師,若無更好的表達方式,我喜歡這種說法,因為當今有大量關於自我養育這種事情的討論,以及學會如何做自己的母親和父親。
    我實際上認為這其中的價值是巨大的。我通過獨自生活學會了如何為自己做飯和清潔。這些我這裡要引用刻板印象,但也是為了保護自己,以及組織自己並非常自律,實際上經營實驗室的經驗讓我學到了很多,因為您基本上是這些人的單身學術父母。您會迅速意識到您在哪些方面缺乏母性本能,以及在哪些方面可能會缺乏或過度強調或有肥大。
    這是個很好能讓我看到自己的弱點,也是希望能有一些優勢的論壇。我喜歡這個觀點,即一個人可以為自己扮演這些角色。如果某人沒有機會接觸到熟練的治療師,IFS 通常是如何進行的,或者這真的是唯一正確的入口嗎?不。因為我坐在這裡和大師、創始人交談,順帶一提,我非常感謝我們剛剛所做的工作。謝謝。這是種榮幸。謝謝。是的。
    但大多數人不會直接一對一地與您接觸。這是非常實驗性的。我想在書籍和課程中,人們可以學會如何做到這一點,順便提一下,這並不是預設的書籍和課程推銷,但我想知道,某人能否自己首次就做到這一點?是的。這是我想了解的。所以很長一段時間以來,我一直在抵制將這直接帶給公眾,因為我以艱難的方式學會了某些系統,尤其是有大量創傷的人,非常脆弱。如果您開始觸及我們所談論的那些脆弱的部分,即對於您的關係的這種理想化看法,我所稱的放逐者,若我們去觸及那部分,而我們今天不會這樣做,因為這需要很大的脆弱性,但如果我們去做,許多極端的保護者可能會出現,然後人們會開始感到恐懼。所以花了很長時間才搞清楚如何以更安全的方式將其帶給公眾。因此,我們剛剛為人們發佈了一本工作手冊,它無需去那些地方,但您可以通過以我們開始的方式與這些保護者互動,了解它們並知道它們不是您,而只是努力做到最好的一部分,而這並不意味著什麼負面。
    那種您對其有著如此態度或恐懼的評判部分,如果您只是開始對它保持好奇心,並稍微了解它,您會發現它是一個非常有價值的部分,擁有許多洞察力,正如您所說,並渴望幫助您避免進入那些會受傷的關係,而它有如此強的評判力是因為您不聽從它。您是否跟得上我所說的?我跟得上。事實上,有些東西在我腦海中浮現,也許我可以問問您。我的思維正好與您所說的相符,但您這麼說時,我意識到,如果我(例如)真的去感受那種“嘿,這實在是太糟糕了”或實際上感受到這隻鈦製泰迪熊試圖保護的失望或評判,我意識到這會導致角色混淆和身份混淆。
    正確。這也許不是在播客上做的最佳選擇,但我會這樣做,這是我對當代政治的感受。我看到左派的某些事情對我來說是合理的,但也有一些對我來說簡直是荒謬、不合適且冒犯的,完全錯誤。我看到右派的某些事情對我來說是非常有意義的,還有一些不恰當的、冒犯的和錯誤的事情。
    由此,我試圖在雙方中找到善良,並建立這種瑞士奶酪的世界模型,談論政治,因為這樣做更為簡單,而人們至少知道我們在談論哪些群體,但這也讓我處於沒有歸屬感的狀態,然後我就陷入兩種立場之間,一種是只是站在那裡,說,對啊,中間並沒有真正的官方立場,但這也讓我想對雙方豎起中指,說我是一個雙重反感者,但當然,我是一個關心國內人們的成年人和公民,因此我覺得作為一個成年人,我不能選擇不參加,但我感到與眾不同。我覺得對我來說沒有選擇,這與我在理解真相時感受到的身份和角色困惑相符,我再次強調,理解真相是一件複雜的事情,但我對事物和人們的判斷就像,嗯,那麼我作為一個兒子的角色是什麼?作為伴侶我的角色是什麼?如果這件事情是真的,我的角色又是什麼?所以,這讓我意識到我在保護角色的簡單性。而我確實在一個角色分明的家庭中長大,這裡的角色明確,比如你是兒子,你該做某些事情,但我內心也有叛逆的一面。所以角色混亂是我想像中許多人都感到熟悉的事情。當一個人,我同時相信,當你真的說,嗯,他們做了壞事,因此,他們都是壞的,因此,我屬於對立的一方,這對我來說就是一種未生活的生活。所以這就像是一種矛盾,但我看到很多人都這樣做。實際上,有時我對擁有那種能力的人感到嫉妒,因為他們似乎看起來毫無衝突。所以在這個細微的層面上,成為一個有思想、有感情的人是一件艱難的事情。有時候真的很糟糕。我寧願這樣做,而不是成為一個雙重反感者,或者乾脆選擇一邊。這樣說有道理嗎?這可能有道理。好的。我所聽到的是,當你在觀察一個人或一個政黨或世界上的某個議題時,你聽到這些矛盾的部分,他們各自都有視角,就像我們現在的國家,來自這些矛盾的部分。但在這些情境中,你沒有太多接觸到我所說的自我的能力。因為C,C字之一就是清晰。所以當我在聽你和Martha的對話時,你們談到有些時刻你們在身體裡有這種對於正確或真實的感覺。那就是我所稱的自我,自我擁有那種清晰感,自我能夠看到不公正,自我,其中一些C字是勇氣、自信和清晰。因此也有一種衝動去行動,以糾正不平衡,糾正不公正。所以自我並不是像許多精神傳統中和IFS裡的那種被動見證者,而是一種與內心領袖的行動,是一種外在領袖的行動。而我們的行動往往受這些保護部分的驅動。在我們現在的政治中也是如此。因此,我的目標之一是試圖將更多自我領導的力量帶入這個世界,帶入這些衝突中。但要做到這一點,人們必須釋放,他們必須卸下來自過去創傷中的極端信念和情緒。我們有一個概念叫遺產負擔。許多人繼承了這些極端的信念和情緒,這些都是通過他們的祖先傳下來的,並驅動著他們的部分,驅動著他們的極端。世界上的許多衝突受到這些遺產負擔的推動。我們已經在幫助人們卸下這些東西方面變得很出色。我們最近在中東也看到了這一點。完全正確。我們在中東做了很多工作。我們那裡有培訓計劃。我的一個願景是進行大規模的遺產卸載,讓大群人聚在一起,幫助他們卸下猶太人大屠殺的遺產負擔,還有1941年巴勒斯坦那邊的遺產負擔。並讓每一方的自我更容易接觸到。當我們進行夫妻治療、其他類型的協商衝突時,如果人們的部分開始涉及其中,我們就會說暫停。你們自己和家人一同做過這個。就直接說暫停,希望你們兩個都回去,找到已經在發言的部分。直到你們能夠代表他們發言,但不是代表他們的立場再回來。然後帶著這些C字特色和自我的狀態回來。如果我們能夠把人們保持在這種狀態,真的很容易解決衝突。如果他們的保護者一直在爭鬥,衝突就永遠不會改變。你認為那些具有反應或能力的人能稍微身心體驗一下嗎?我不認為自己是那種心理身心合一的人,除非我感染了病毒,否則我不會有胃痛和頭痛之類的,但我能很快感覺到某些東西在我體內的所在,一直都是這樣。你覺得IFS是否更適合那些身心感受強烈的人,而不是那些真的在腦中思索的人呢?因為我也有這一部分,我實際上能感覺到那個開關。就像我通過敘事進入狀態,然後我開始看到結構,就像在這裡。當我們一起工作時,這樣的事情發生好幾次。就像我會讓你專注於某些事情,然後敘述者部分會進來,我會試圖重新引導你。但我在波士頓生活了十年,所以我和很多不認識自己身體的認知型人一起工作,他們只是在追求終身職的競跑中。是的,我也是。十年不錯,但人在追求時應該關注自己的情感需求。至於回答你的問題,他們能這樣做,但我們首先必須從那思維部分開始,讓它加入並站出來,只讓它呆在那裡足夠長的時間,以便他們能夠感受到自己的身體。
    所以,是的,這個過程適合任何人,但對於這樣的人來說,思考的部分需要一段時間才能信任讓他們進入自己的身體是安全的。因此我們稍微後退一下,對這個過程做一個概述性總結。有人提出了一個記憶,無論是最近的還是遙遠的,這個記憶讓他們感到不舒服,你試著在身體裡定位某種感受,感受它的位置。讓我在這裡暫停一下。我告訴你為什麼。是的。因為如果他們在身體裡找到它,並將問題指向那裡,然後等著答案從那裡出現,他們就不太可能在腦海裡。所以這有點像是短路了那個思考的部分,很多人來療法時,思考的部分認為它應該負責療法。像認知行為療法(CBT)或者其他很多不是體驗性的,而是很多更具心理動力學的療法,思考的部分真的在試圖解釋他們為什麼會有這些感受。因此這是在讓他們脫離這種狀態,實際上去聆聽內部的感受,去了解他們所認為的身體,其實是那些住在裡面的部分,他們之前因為思考的部分運作過頻而無法接觸到的。
    明白了。然後,從好奇的角度集中一些注意力,他們可能會想:“那裡有什麼?它想說什麼?”沒錯。然後你開始揭示出保護下的潛在層面,那些保護的事物想要表達的是什麼?是的。這甚至不是你在試圖揭示,而是你在提問,答案開始浮現出來。我明白了。哦,我喜歡這點,因為我堅信在潛意識中播種,然後讓事物在睡眠或冥想狀態中浮現出來,或者內部家庭系統是否與現在仍在臨床試驗階段的某些療法結合在一起,尤其是與迷幻劑相關的?是的。實際上,兩天前,我們剛完成了一次IFS和氯胺酮的靜修。哦,哇。因此我們邀請了32位來自不同領域的領導者,舉辦了三天的氯胺酮靜修,然後進行IFS。迷幻劑的好處在於,它能在很多時候讓那些管理者的部分睡著。是的。我一直對此持開放態度,並且始終需要提供聲明。我不是僅僅為了保護我自己而這麼說,我這麼說是為了保護聽眾,我確實認為年輕人應該避免使用迷幻劑。他們的大腦已經處於迷幻狀態。這種可塑性程度,實在是驚人。而我這是來自於一個懷有遺憾的人,我小時候曾經以娛樂性使用過迷幻劑。 我也是。我也後悔。我在臨床環境中再次接觸它們,並從中獲益良多,我想,特別是高劑量的迷幻菇和MDMA。但這兩者依然是非常非法的。使用或販賣它們都可能涉及嚴重的法律問題。所以這是一個警示的音符。在我看來,臨床試驗真的令人印象深刻,尤其是對MDMA以及PTSD的治療。但FDA去年並沒有批准MDMA作為PTSD的療法。我認為隨著新一屆政府的上台,它可能會獲得批准,但誰知道呢?誰知道呢?所以總之,這是一堆假法律術語,但這是誠心的。如果我是一個18或19歲的人,或者是一個30歲的人,聽到關於迷幻劑及其怎麼可能有幫助的對話時,我也會想知道有些情況下人們使用它們卻沒有得到適當的指導,這會導致嚴重的問題。所以我們所談論的是真實的事情。這就是為什麼這些只把藥物和藥品發給他們,然後就讓他們獨自面對的卡拉美診所讓我感到害怕。我驕傲地說,IFS現在已經被採納為迷幻劑的主要模型之一。太好了。因為這是一個非常合適的搭配。正如我之前所說,我經常看到這些管理者部分的下線運作,這釋放了很多自我。因此你開始感受到那些“C”字開頭的特質浮現出來。這是一個向所有這些流亡的部分發出的邀請,邀請它們來獲得關注。因此,當人們從卡拉美經驗中出來時,我可以和他們一起工作15分鐘,做一些本來需要五個會話才能完成的事情,因為他們能接觸到以前無法接觸到的部分,或者需要很長時間來說服他們的保護者讓我們進去,我們可以解除那些流亡部分的負擔,然後再重新帶回他們的保護者。所以我喜歡這個,而卡拉美是合法的,這就是為什麼我們這麼做的原因。另外一個好處,我不知道作為一個科學家你會怎麼看這一點,但卡拉美,因為它打開了與這些保護者的交流,你也能品嚐到我所謂的“大自我”。你可以品嚐到這種非雙重狀態,這可能非常愉悅,有些人甚至會感受到神聖,然後當你回來之後,你會有一種我遠不止於這個小小的身體和小小的自我,還有更大的東西的感覺,這就是為什麼它們在生命結束時使用它,為什麼它所帶來的效果以及迷幻菇對抑鬱症影響如此深遠,因為它會讓你從保護者限制的那個小立方體中升起,知道還有更大的東西存在。 有趣的是,我幾年前也從未嘗試過卡拉美,我在公開場合也談過這個。我開始建立一種與靈性和上帝相當深的關係,主要是通過放棄控制而獲得的。重大消息,伙計們,你不能控制所有事情,你可以控制某些事情,但大多數事情不能控。
    你描述 caramene 的方式非常有趣,因為作為一種解離性麻醉劑,它的運作方式與比如說 MDMA 這種使人感受到更多情感的同情劑截然不同。我半開玩笑地說,除了安全和合法性方面的考量,我對 MDMA 的擔憂在於,如果一個人沒有眼罩,或者沒有人陪伴指導並記錄過程的話,如果你聆聽一段爵士樂或古典音樂,或者你喜歡的搖滾專輯,或者你和你的狗、貓或植物一起在那裡,你可以花整整四小時與植物建立聯繫。你不會突然去和植物結婚,也不會試圖和植物發生關係,但這是一種非常珍貴卻同時又非常不穩定的情況,因為它是一種強效的同情劑,你的注意力無論指向內部還是外部,會變得異常強烈,因此你必須非常小心。
    再者,神經毒性問題似乎已經得到了解決,如果它其實是 MDMA,而不是其他東西。順便提一下,那項顯示 MDMA 在非人類靈長類動物中具有神經毒性的重大研究,結果顯示他們注射的是甲基苯丙胺,對,該論文被撤回了,發表於《科學》雜誌,我們會提供該論文及其撤回的鏈接。撤回並沒有得到公眾高度關注,二甲基醚、甲基苯丙胺,MDMA 若確實是人們所服用的,並且不是與其他物質的組合,並沒有顯示出神經毒性。的確,撤回的研究並沒有得到與初步研究同樣的媒體關注,無論該研究的結果是正面還是負面。在任何情況下,我相信在進行這類工作的過程中,還有其他方式可以讓大腦前部放鬆,我只是想聽聽你的想法。
    當我早上第一次醒來時,我處於一種邊緣狀態,但我不想考慮的事情總是會進入我的腦海,我無法避免,就像保護者不在,他們仍然在睡覺,因此這似乎很有價值。我最近試著保持閉眼,有時會起來上廁所,但仍然保持眼睛閉上,保持那種靜止的狀態,探索那件事情的輪廓。只要安全進行,不要在水邊,幾分鐘或幾個循環的周期性過度通氣練習,我們認為可以改變大腦前部的活動,讓它稍微脫離正常的運行。所有這些事情,都是讓管理者進入睡眠。讓管理者進入睡眠。當你入睡時,你的管理者也入睡,然後你會有那些奇怪的夢,因為你的流亡者現在能夠進入你的意識,他們正在試圖給你信號,告訴你他們想要什麼。
    我還想提到關於迷幻劑和呼吸的另一件事,就是當你的管理者進入睡眠狀態,流亡者開始進入時,這可能會讓人感到非常恐懼,因為這些部分經常被困在可怕的地方,承受著很多恐懼,因此所謂的壞旅行其實是他們試圖吸引注意。於是他們會進來徹底接管,讓你看起來像是在經歷恐慌發作。但是我們從上週學到的幾次經驗是,與其把它視為恐慌發作或壞旅行,不如歡迎它,這是一個需要很多關注的部分。它完全接管了。如果我問你,”好吧,安德魯,我看到你真的很害怕,但你對這個現在在這裡的非常害怕的部分感覺如何?”然後我鼓勵你說,”我為它感到難過。”那麼我會讓你開始認識它,與它合作並安慰它,而不是發生恐慌發作。你會接觸到平靜和那些令人安心的感受,然後這會變成對你內心中被困在恐懼狀態下的某種東西的一種非常有用的療癒。
    我想稍作休息,提到我們的一位贊助商 Function。去年,我在尋找最全面的實驗室測試方法後成為了 Function 的會員。Function 提供超過 100 種先進的實驗室測試,為你提供整體身體健康的關鍵快照。這個快照向你提供心臟健康、荷爾蒙健康、免疫功能、營養水平等多方面的見解。他們最近還新增了檢測毒素的測試,比如來自有害塑膠的 BPA 接觸,以及 PFASs 或永恆化學物質的測試。Function 不僅提供超過 100 種對你身心健康至關重要的生物標記檢測,還分析這些結果並提供來自相關領域頂級醫生的見解。
    例如,在我使用 Function 的首次測試中,我發現自己血液中的汞水平升高。Function 不僅幫助我檢測到這一點,還提供了如何最好地降低汞水平的建議,這包括限制我使用金槍魚,並努力多吃綠葉蔬菜,同時補充 NAC 和乙酰半胱氨酸,這兩者都可以支持谷胱甘肽的生成和排毒。我必須說,通過進行第二次 Function 測試,這個方法是有效的。血液檢測是至關重要的。有很多與你的心理和身體健康相關的問題只能通過血液檢測來檢測。問題在於,血液檢測一直非常昂貴且複雜。相比之下,我對 Function 的簡單和經濟印象深刻,非常實惠。因此,我決定加入他們的科學顧問團隊,我很高興他們贊助這個播客。如果你有興趣嘗試 Function,你可以訪問 functionhealth.com/huberman。Function 目前有超過 250,000 人的等待名單,但他們為 Huberman 播客的聽眾提供提前訪問。再次強調,你可以訪問 functionhealth.com/huberman 獲得 Function 的提前訪問權限。
    對我來說,最引人注目的是,馬莎教我這個練習,就是當我們想到那些讓自己感到羞恥的事情時,如果我們能夠真正面對並擁有它們,而不是以「我對這些感到自豪」的角度去看待,而是以「這些事情是我們的一部分,而不是我們的全部」的方式擁有它們,那麼這是非常解放的,事實上,這是非常解放的。如果生活有秘密,那至少會包括這一點——
    讓我以基督教為例,舉一個例子,我曾經做過一些工作坊,讓人們處理自己的種族主義,你所說的那是非常羞恥的事情,很多人會說:「我不是種族主義者,我沒有任何種族主義的想法。」但如果我真的說服他們向內檢視,他們會發現自己在面對不同膚色的人時,心底裡會流露出一點種族主義的想法,持有這些白人至上主義的信念,而他們對此感到非常羞愧。
    如果我讓你關注內心的那個種族主義聲音,你就得讓許多對此感到羞愧的部分站出來,然後我會讓你對它產生好奇,而不是感到羞愧,並詢問它這些信念是從哪裡來的。它可能會告訴你,然後我會問:「你喜歡背負這些種族主義的東西嗎?」通常他們會說:「不,如果準備好卸下這些,我們可以直接卸掉。」
    所以要知道的一個關鍵點是,這些部分並不是它們所承擔的負擔。它們都是好的。那個嘴裡說著種族主義者言論的小傢伙是一個被這些信念困住的部分,當他釋放這些信念時,他就轉變成一個好的人,而我們文化所犯的錯誤,大多數心理治療所犯的錯誤,就是假設他就是那個種族主義者的言論,並試圖將他逐出,但這是一種不同的理解方式,甚至對於看似邪惡的人來說,他們受到這些保護者的主宰,對其流亡者感到恐懼,他們內心的關係方式跟外部的關係方式是一樣的。
    因此,如果他們恨自己某些部分,他們就會恨那些與自己部分相似的人。他們會試圖支配那些人。你明白我的意思嗎?是的,我想深入這一點,因為我們經常聽到當我們對某件事情感到不安時,其實是對自己某方面的不安。但對我來說,這並不總是正確的,但有時是正確的。所以如果我對彼此意見相左的那些好主意的無知感到不安,這個邏輯會說我其實是對自己那個判斷黑白分明的方面感到不滿。
    這點我們已經確定了。明白了。你是治療師,是的。那這總是正確的嗎?不總是。好吧,但很多時候。因此,如果你能對你那個批判性的部分產生同情,而不是與它作戰,而是實際上將它視為在拼命嘗試幫助你,更具識別能力,並幫助它卸下負擔,走出它所扮演的角色。
    因為在它所處的角色中,它可能會造成破壞。我們並不是試圖將其最小化或說,當我說所有部分時,是沒有壞的部分。這些部分沒有壞的部分,但它們可能會陷入非常具破壞性的角色,並能承襲過去的負擔,這可能驅使它們去傷害別人。但我工作的部分就是幫助所有這些改變。因此,如果你開始與那個批判性的部分建立新的關係,那麼你就能看透其他人的批判性部分,並能看到驅動那些保護者的流亡者,並對他們產生同情。這並不意味著你不會制止他們或與他們對抗,但你會以同情的方式而不是憎恨的保護者的身份來做。
    我認為人們聽到這一點很重要,即如果我們能接觸到自己這些保護者的部分,這會讓我們變得不那麼脆弱,而不是更脆弱,既不會因為「受到攻擊」而變得脆弱,而是我想,簡單來說,在理解自己和對自己有同情心的過程中,會發展出對他人的理解與同情,但這並不意味著你在開放自己去受傷,而實際上恰恰相反。實際上,正好相反,因為這些保護者往往會生成他們所害怕的東西。
    所以通過過度保護,他們會在他人中創造出會攻擊的保護者,而如果他們能夠保持自我,自我可以非常善於保護,擁有那些「C」字特質,非常強勢,有時甚至是兇猛的。這個想法,我肯定跟上了,我們有時會在他人身上創造出我們所害怕的東西,因為這讓我們能夠參與這種不健康的動態。這似乎是悖論,對吧?
    也許我們舉一組經典的例子,我認為這是相當普遍的,一個依賴他人的人,和一個有物質濫用問題的人,或一個非常膽怯、總是想要安撫的人,和一個非常主導的人。當我從第二種情況退後觀察時,實際上讓我發笑,因為如果你想想,一個非常主導的人並不需要一個非常膽怯的人來感覺自己是主導的,對吧?他們或許可以靠一個不那麼膽怯的人來感受到他們所需要的力量,也許這種關係會更健康。
    但人們往往不是這樣選擇的,這有點有趣。因此,這或許提出了一個更大問題。為什麼人們會選擇那些對自己基本上有害的人?好的,那麼我曾經寫過一本書,叫做《你就是你一直在等待的人》,在裡面我討論了整個議題。因此對於很多人來說,你受到父母的傷害,內心有一些部分想要保護你不受父母的傷害,但還有其他一些部分是非常絕望的,它們接受了來自父母的拒絕而感到無價值,並渴望得到救贖。
    你明白這個嗎?當你離開並尋找伴侶的時候,潛意識中的那個部分會影響你找到一個與你父母相似的人,這是出於想要再次被拯救的努力。這是不是和重複強迫有點類似,我們往往會不斷重複這種模式,以圖解決,而不僅僅是一種功能失調的表現?這就是我所談論的版本。因此你找到了某個與那位父母相似的人,不幸的是,他們確實像那位父母,因此他們會以相同的方式傷害你。
    然後,你的保護者進入四種模式之一。他們可能會說:「我必須把那個人變回他應該是的樣子,所以他們會試圖改變這個人的行為」,或他們會說:「我必須改變自己,讓他們能成為他們應該是的樣子」,又或者他們會說:「哦,畢竟這不是救世主,他們會去找那個仍然在外面的真正救世主。」而這一切總是在內心。我所嘗試做的,就是幫助他們看到那個救世主其實就在他們內心深處。
    如果我們能夠去關照那個對像父母般的人懷有特殊情感的流亡者,幫助他與自我連結並幫助他卸下負擔,這整個重複強迫就會消失,因為現在他們可以照顧自己。他們信任自己能做到。這樣他們就不需要從其他人那裡得到這些。
    當我們與伴侶合作時,你總能在伴侶之間發現某種模式。如果我們能讓他們每個人都成為自己內心良好的依附對象,良好的照顧者,那麼伴侶就會因此獲得自由,因為當這個流亡者主導著這段關係時,你的伴侶會感受到許多要求,或者感覺他必須照顧你年輕的一部分,卻無法完全做到。因此,總是有一種負擔的感覺,你明白我在說什麼嗎? 是的。
    有趣的是,浪漫關係是這些模式重複的地方。與此同時,我生活中卻有許多健康的關係。是否一般來說,由於人們在此之前已經做過工作或因為他們在成長過程中有最低限度的創傷,才會如此? 是的。
    你認為有多少百分比的孩子以及成人都有最低限度的創傷,因為他們的神經系統運作方式以及內在事物的組織方式,使得他們自然地與健康的伴侶建立聯繫呢?像是25%、30%?我真的無法說,因為我的樣本非常偏頗。我正在工作的是有很多創傷的心理治療病人。因此我無法說,我是非常有偏見的。
    嗯,根據這個國家的婚姻情況,離婚率大約是50%,而我推測在那些不離婚的人當中,至少有一半到四分之一的人是非常不快樂的。這聽起來很悲觀,但如果你看看數字,而我是個樂觀主義者,我已經承認我不喜歡去思考糟糕的事情。是的,我猜許多人重複這些模式,但似乎在20、30年前,這些想法並不流行。當時進行分析或個人探索工作的人要少得多,因此在社會上,我們基本上是遵循角色去行動。
    你是一個父親和丈夫,你就必須做某些事情,而不做其他事情。你是一個妻子和母親,因此你也必須做某些事情,而不做其他事情,等等。我覺得現在人們對於組織宗教的復興有許多討論,因為我們已經遠離了這些核心結構。我很想聽聽你對此的看法。
    另外,你認為進行這種不需要其他人參與或介入的內在工作,這樣做的價值是什麼呢?聽起來單純為自己進行這項工作就有巨大的價值。或許可以有被IFS訓練過的人陪伴。
    是的,正如我所說,與你的保護者合作並幫助他們認識自我,有很多事情可以做。我們沒有做到,但如果你問那隻鈦合金的泰迪熊認為你幾歲,並真正等著回答,大多數人會得到一個單數的回答。它仍然認為你很年輕,還認為它必須像過去一樣保護你。而僅僅是讓它更新,就能為這些保護者帶來大量的解脫。因此,通過與保護者合作,介紹他們認識自我,幫助他們看到他們不必一直做我們的工作,有很多事情可以完成。
    對於一些保護者來說,直到他們所保護的部分治癒之前,他們非常難以完全放下武器。這就是心理治療師的角色所在。例如,有些教練正在做這項工作,他們會陪伴某些高管並獲得很好的成效,然後他們會遇到一個流亡者,接著會讓這個人去看幾次IFS治療師以治癒那個流亡者,再回來,因為教練並未接受過心理治療的訓練。因此,是的,仍然需要心理治療師,但你可以獨自做很多事情。
    我被這種經驗性所震撼,而不僅僅是概念性的,顯然這些概念很重要,但我認為內部家庭系統以前為我描述的那些在紙上列出的內容,通過一些物件的擺放讓我產生了實際的感覺,這是有幫助的,但我覺得今天做了一點,它只靠感受與這個有關的身體的感覺,其實對我來說真的很有意義。這在認知上是有意義的,但那是如此之不同。這是真的很抽離的。
    好的,就像我告訴人們,在早上走出去讓陽光照射到眼睛,設定你的生理時鐘,你可以知道這個過程的基本機制、神經元、通路、荷爾蒙等等,但在某種程度上,直到你連續體驗兩三天,你可能像是在閱讀一些,我不知道,鈦製的泰迪熊一樣,對吧。
    沒錯,這就是我對你充滿感激的原因,因為你願意嘗試。因為當我把這些告訴別人的時候,他們實際上感受不到,直到他們親自體驗。而且這和許多其他療法非常不同,因為那些療法通常更依賴於認知,而我們試圖繞過這一點,直接接觸到內心的原始部分。
    為了故意重複,我想知道對於聽眾來說,是否會有用,可以直接把問題給他們,作為他們可以即時進行的練習?
    完全可以,對的。
    非常感謝你。我認為這將非常有價值,所以我得暫時讓自己沉默一下。這次,我會安靜一小會,大家好運,有幸能與Schwartz博士交流,他會提出一系列問題,我們會給你一些喘息或靜默的時間,讓你能夠即時找到這些問題的答案。這樣一來,你就不必建立一個與我們之前所做的平行結構。
    是的,讓我先說,請不要在感到害怕的情況下這麼做,但如果你對內心探索感興趣,那麼我將帶領你完成一些步驟。
    在你聆聽我們的對話時,我是在對聽眾說話,你也許會想到你自己的某些部分,特別是你自己的保護者。如果你想不出任何來,幾乎每個人心中都有一種批評者,或令他們過度工作的一部分,或者照顧過多人的一部分,所以我邀請你選擇一個保護性的部分,試著更了解它幾分鐘。
    只是注意那個內心的聲音、情緒、思考模式或感覺,專注於它一秒鐘。當你這麼做時,注意它似乎位於身體的哪裡或者身體周圍,然後稍作停頓。有些人找不到具體位置,但有些人仍然能感受到,只是來源不明,但如果你確實在你的身體內部或周圍找到它,那麼就專注於那裡,當你專注於它時,注意你對它的感受,我的意思是,你是否不喜歡它並想要擺脫它?你害怕它嗎?你是否對它的主導感到不滿?你依賴它嗎?所以你與這部分的關係是什麼。如果你除了開放、好奇或願意了解它之外感受到任何其他情緒,那就來自試圖處理它的其他部分。我們只會請這些其他部分讓步幾分鐘,讓你可以更好地了解它。 我們不會讓它再主導,只想更好地了解它。所以看看它們是否願意讓你打開心靈去接觸它,如果不願意,那麼我們就不會追求這個,你可以更了解它們對於你認識這個目標部分的恐懼。但如果你達到那個只對它感到好奇的點,沒有任何議程,那麼就問它想讓你了解它的什麼,這是一個開放式的問題。不要思考答案,只需等待,看看你的身體裡面出現了什麼。不用評判所出現的內容,無論如何出現的都是可以接受的。它想讓你了解它的什麼?如果它不這樣做,你覺得它害怕會發生什麼?如果你得到了這個關於恐懼的答案,那麼它告訴你一些關於它試圖保護你的事情。如果是真的,那就感謝它,因為它至少在試著保持你的安全,即使有時會失敗或無法奏效。讓它知道你欣賞它的努力,看看它對你的感激有何反應。然後問一下,如果你能去接觸它所保護的部分,治療或改變那一部分,以不需要這麼多保護,那它可能想做什麼?我再重複一遍。如果你能去接觸它所保護的東西,並治療或改變那樣的情況,使它不必這麼多地保護你,那麼它可能在內心中想做什麼?然後問它這個有點奇怪的問題,這部分認為你幾歲?不是問它幾歲,而是問它認為你幾歲?同樣,不要思考,只需等待,看看會出現什麼。如果它的答案錯誤,那就更新它,看看它有什麼反應。
    這部分的最後一個問題是,未來它需要你提供什麼?再次等待答案。到了感覺合適的時候,感謝你的各個部分讓你在這方面做了什麼。然後將你的注意力轉回外部,或許在過程中深呼吸幾次。
    謝謝你,這真是太棒了。我也能在這方面做到一些,我認為是好的工作。
    這是真的嗎?
    完全不同的情境,完全不同的動力組合。儘管你剛剛帶我們經歷的是非常體驗性的,但你認為寫下關鍵要點的價值是什麼?是否有任何價值?
    是的,做這次工作會議或者這個練習很好,但理想上這是與這部分建立新關係的開始。而這需要你自己的努力。所以我建議人們,一旦你開始朝著好的方向推進,那麼如果不持續投入一段時間,它會逆轉。
    每天早上,就像你所說的,你會醒來,而不是在想今天要做什麼或者我生活中有什麼問題。那個我正在開始努力工作的部分過得怎麼樣?今天它需要我什麼?它想讓我知道什麼?它的感覺還好嗎?我對它仍然有同情心或感激嗎?所以,正如我之前所說的,這種做法成為了一種生活實踐。我每天早上都這樣做。
    每天早上?
    不是每一天,不是每一天…
    嗯,你對這些部分非常熟悉。為了澄清一下,當施瓦茨博士提到部分時,他指的是我們內心中的不同人格,而不僅僅是表現出來的身體部分,也許是的,但這提供了一個物理的錨點來依賴。
    沒錯。所以,是的,我會去檢查一下。不是和我所有的部分交流,因為我遇到過很多很多,但我會和我一直在工作的那些部分交流,看看它們過得怎麼樣。當我日常生活時,我會注意我是否在那些C字頭的品質中?我的心是否敞開?我的頭腦是否好奇?我是否有大的日程?任何偏離這些標準的行為通常都是某個保護者出現。我會舉行一個小小的永恆董事會會議,說,我理解你感到害怕。在準備來參加這個播客時,我不得不和那些緊張的部分一起工作,我的父親是一位大科學家,一位重要的內分泌學研究者。
    哦,酷。
    是的。
    這是一個很棒的領域。
    我的兄弟也是一位內分泌學的專家。因此,我有些問題是從這方面來的。我希望我沒有強化那些消極的一面。
    嗯,那是我部分的擔憂。所以,我努力去克服它,說,好吧,我明白我明白你很害怕。我在喝水時能感覺到它們在我手裡。
    有趣。
    但我一直在保持,好的,我明白,你很害怕,但請相信我。退後一點,放鬆一下。然後我感覺到這個轉變,真的是一種轉變。
    然後我感覺那些C字頭的特質湧現出來。然後我們進行了一種截然不同的對話。所以,從這個意義上說,這是一種生活實踐。謝謝你分享這個。我沒有察覺到任何焦慮,不論在錄製前或這次討論中。
    如果你不介意的話,可以描述一下,或者甚至列舉一些其他人們在進行這種工作時可能遇到的部分標籤。你將它們描述為管理者和保護者,而被保護的則是那些被保護者和管理者所保護的部分。
    對。
    正確的。這兩者是不同的東西,對嗎?
    是的。所以主要區分是那些因為受傷、害怕,或者被迫感到羞愧和毫無價值的部分。通常這是我們最敏感的部分。它們就是內在的孩子,因為那些無價值、恐懼和情感痛苦的負擔而被困住。我們不想與它們有任何關係,因為它們可能會讓我們不堪重負。因此,我們將它們鎖起來,所有人都告訴我們要這麼做。所以這些就是流亡者。而當有很多流亡者時,這些其他的部分就被迫成為保護者。
    所以保護者有兩類。一類是我們之前談到的管理者,另一類是消防員。我們提到了許多常見的管理者角色,但有很多很多不同的角色。消防員的常見角色包括,嗯,成癮,對不起,解離,那種評判性的、憤怒的部分。我可以繼續說下去,但任何那些反應性的、衝動的部分都是為了保護那些脆弱的部分,但方法是衝動的,而不是像管理者那樣全然控制和取悅。這些消防員的主要思想是,如果我現在不讓你遠離這些感覺,你就會死。許多消防員如此相信。
    而且有些人,這確實是事實。所以通常會有一種消防員活動的層次結構。第一步不奏效,就轉到下一步。如果那也無效,對大多數人來說,最高層的選擇就是自殺。如果事情變得夠痛苦,這就是一種逃生策略。對於很多人來說,這實際上非常安慰,而我們的到來卻讓這些自殺的部分感到非常害怕。所以,這又是IFS的特點之一。如果你說你有一個自殺的部分,那就讓我們去了解它。我會讓你找到它,然後一步一步地去探討,我會讓你去想,你最害怕什麼會發生,如果你不去殺了安德魯?你覺得大多數情況下的答案是什麼?那就是感覺會變得太難以承受?
    是的。
    再一次,這無法再忍受。
    正確。
    當然,這是一個瘋狂的說法,因為我腦子不會爆炸。這些部分相信這一點。
    是的。它們並不基於邏輯。
    所以我對那個部分的回應是,如果我們能夠減輕那種你如此害怕會壓垮的痛苦,你還需要去殺它們嗎?
    不需要。
    那你會讓我們這麼做嗎?
    好吧,幸運的是,我現在不覺得自己有自殺的想法,但答案會是肯定的。
    好的。所以因為我們可以證明給你看,我們可以減輕那種痛苦,那麼如果我們能做到這一點,你想做什麼,而不是成為那個自殺的部分?
    我想我得想像,如果有人,原諒我在這方面的思考,但如果我想像,對於一個人來說,為了保護自己免受他們本該感受的巨大情感,他們感到自殺然後得到機會去釋放那些感情,我想最可怕的部分就像是第一次走入非常冷的水中。
    你知道,我對消極情感總是有這樣的感覺。
    一旦過了腰部,甚至到肩膀下方,
    這是一個很好的比喻。
    這真是一個很好的比喻,是的。
    因為你意識到這些事物有一個上限,而且你不久前已經超過了這個上限。
    是的。
    所以那個自殺的部分經常會轉變成想要幫助你生活的部分,實際上。
    它們經常扮演著與真實自我相反的角色。
    所以如你所聽到的,這是一種完全不同的對待自殺的方法,例如。
    我們對於成癮的「消防員」也這樣做。
    找到那個讓你那麼亢奮的部分。
    你對它的感覺如何?我討厭它。
    我想要,你知道,我想要康復。
    我想要把它鎖起來。
    讓我們把所有這些部分帶出來,對此感到好奇,並詢問它如果不讓你一直亢奮,會害怕發生什麼。
    同樣的答案。
    如果我們能治癒所有那些痛苦或羞恥,難道你就不需要每次都亢奮嗎?
    不,不過我不認為你能做到。
    你會給我們一個機會來證明我們可以嗎?
    對於所有這些問題的任何解決方法?
    有些東西在我心中浮現,這些年來,一直到現在,幸運的是。
    我的意思是,我仍然工作很多,但我的工作方式是,你知道,我不想,嗯,我會分享數字,但這不是一個沒有人應該超越的目標。
    我的意思是,在研究生院的時候,我不是開玩笑,每週工作80、85小時,睡在我的桌子底下,就像我是初任教授時住在我的辦公室裡一樣。
    我的學生可以作證,我不是每晚都刷牙,但你知道,如果我有截止日期,那就是全心投入,心思、身體、心靈、所有一切。
    這並不健康,對吧?
    在某個時刻,我不得不審視它,因為這對很多事情並不有利。
    它帶來了很多,你可以做很多事情。
    我不會說謊,你可以做很多事情。
    你可以獲得很多學位。
    你可以獲得很多知識,你可以完成很多事情。
    但我決定去審視它,你知道,如果我,我不知道,發表五篇出色的論文而不是十篇或其他什麼,這樣也不錯,你知道,我開始看看這一切,現在看起來似乎很瘋狂。
    但是我記得撤退時的真正恐懼。
    我開始意識到我熱愛自己所做的,但其中一些工作來自於對其他情感的競爭渴望。
    這是一種解離的形式。
    然後發生的事情是我能夠調整我的工作時間,真正挑選出對我最有意義的項目,然後真正品味和享受它們。
    這就是我對待播客和我正在做的其他事情的方式。
    所以這是一個非常有用的探索,但也是令人恐懼的。
    我不必去12步計劃來處理工作成癮或任何東西。
    我的意思是,它並沒有到那個程度,但……
    但你給出的例子正是我們所做的。
    當我們去接觸那個工作狂的部分時,你最害怕的事情是如果你不這樣做會發生什麼?
    是的。
    所以我來到的點,這頗有趣,這字面上是對消失的恐懼,對被毀滅的恐懼。
    然後我想,那麼你再細分一下,消失對誰而言?
    並不是說沒有正面的反饋。
    所以其實並不是為了避免從外部世界消失,因為我告訴你,當你每週工作80、85小時時,你已經消失了。
    你知道,你只是沒有意識到罷了。
    這實際上是某種避免這樣的東西,我現在確實喜歡的東西。
    我從我的鬥牛犬那裡學到的。
    我曾經有這樣的假設,慢就是低,像是慢下來就是抑鬱。
    我的意思是現在我喜歡慢下來。
    我確實是從我的鬥牛犬那裡學到的。
    然後幾個人進入了我的生活,他們的狗也是,我學會了真正享受慢,而不僅僅是為了能夠迅速回到工作中,這也承認了。
    但也是為了,就像,這個過程中,我想知道你對此的想法。
    我發現,當我進入或離開冥想,或我所稱之為非睡眠深度休息時,這種瑜伽式的深度放鬆,這個播客的聽眾會熟悉的東西,會有這個非常可怕的時刻。
    我意識到有一天,假設我在那發生的時候是清醒的,或不是意外,或者我沒有參與事故,我將吸入我的最後一口氣。
    這種概念絕對是令人恐懼的。
    我意識到對消失的恐懼實際上是對死亡的恐懼。
    而我真正害怕的是死亡。
    而我一直在使用工作,所以這真的離60小時或40小時週工作不遠,取而代之的是30,無論怎麼選擇,而不是85。
    但我意識到我逃避的其實是對自己死亡的恐懼。
    而且我不需要使用任何物質來意識到這一點。
    我只需要不斷剝離層次,去問自己:你究竟害怕什麼?
    現在我得出的結論是,大多數成癮問題,與許多有過程成癮和物質成癮的人交談後,我發現深層次的每個人,無論是成癮者還是非成癮者,都對死亡感到恐懼。
    只是有些人與這種恐懼有接觸,並已經處理過它。
    是的。
    好吧,你還記得我之前說的,當我們與這些成癮部分交談時,你害怕如果不讓他們亢奮會發生什麼?
    他會死。
    所以這是一個非常常見的回答。
    基本上你剛才描述的就是你在不知情的情況下進行IFS,問這些問題:你真的害怕什麼?
    你真的害怕什麼?
    你得到了關鍵的答案嗎?
    然後我不知道你如何幫助那個害怕死亡的部分,但不知怎麼的,你幫助它更加放鬆。
    是的。
    我想,如果好的或壞的,如果我看到或經歷一些讓我非常害怕的事情,我必須探索它的邊界。
    這一直是我生活中危險的一部分,同時也是幫助我的一部分。
    壓抑遏制回避恐懼的本能是如此複雜的一件事,因為一方面,這是生活中的必要技能。
    另一方面,如果人們總是問:「如果你能告訴年輕的自己任何事情,你會告訴他什麼?」我會說:「嘿,老兄,聽著,如果有什麼讓你感到焦慮,那就趕快離開那裡。」因為我的反應一直是,如果有什麼讓我感到焦慮,好的,這是對我的一種考驗。我明白了。我需要克服它。好吧。這是另一部分。保護。是的。所以無論如何,有些人則正好相反。是的。我傾向於觸碰燙爐三次,而這本應該是一次的學習,第一次就讓我受傷,對不起。但這就是我。我的意思是,每個人都有這些事情,但我發現,無論是通過你今天告訴我們的內容,還是探索這些事情,生活的很多方面是結構化的,尤其是現在有手機,我喜歡手機,喜歡社交媒體,但生活中的很多方面都是為了填滿活動之間的所有空間。我真的想聽聽你對於阻礙做好你今天所描述的自我工作這些障礙的看法。我想我不會要求你貶低這個世界,只是為了貶低而貶低。但我覺得人們現在開始察覺到某些技術和過去五年或十年中獨特的生活習慣,實際上正在加劇我們與自身相關的問題,而不僅僅是人際關係的動態。你似乎一直在思考大局,所以我很好奇你的想法。是的,這些小機器,以及我們從不單獨花時間、獨處或思考的各種方式,都在滋養這些保護性部分和這些分心的東西,越來越拋在腦後這些被流亡的部分。因此,很多人害怕沒有事情可做,因為當他們不工作的時候,這些被流亡的部分就開始浮現出來,因為他們並沒有被分心。在我的情況下,我提到過我的父親,我是六個男孩中最年長的,我本來應該像他一樣成為一名醫生和研究人員,但我因為未診斷的注意力不足過動症被拯救了,並不是一名好學生,三個兄弟則是醫生和研究類型。但我是最年長的,所以他對我非常嚴苛,總是說我懶惰和一無是處。因此,我在家庭中感受到很多的無價值,事實上,如果我沒有那種感覺,這個模型就不會存在,因為我有這部分必須證明他是錯的,驅使我去尋找這個模型,然後面對很多攻擊,將其發展到現在的程度。如果我不在工作,如果我沒有得到讚賞,那種無價值感就會浮現出來,我就會有其他的「消防員」去試著處理這個問題。我不僅有工作狂的部分,還有一個可以讓我閉上心扉、使我不在乎別人看法的部分,因為我受到傳統精神醫學的攻擊等等。是為了發展內部家庭系統嗎?是的。我在大報告上被羞辱了幾次,而我在精神科部門。精神醫學領域怎麼了?這是一個好問題。因此,重點是,在我發展這一過程中,我被這些保護者主導,這幫助我度過了所有這些,但對於一個社區領袖來說並沒有提供服務,我很幸運有一些學生會挑戰我的部分,並告訴我,「如果你想成為我們有用的人,就不能這樣繼續下去。」我聽了,並且我與這種無價值感一起工作,現在我不再有它。我不需要再工作。因為如果我不被分心,我就不再那麼害怕這個感覺浮現出來了。現在,如你所說,我們有比以往更多的分心。對,痛點可能成為基於你所開發的東西對世界產生巨大增長和價值的來源。記住,我是通過瑪莎·貝克了解到你的工作的,雖然瑪莎也是,但還有幾位在研究心理學領域中非常有才華的心理學家和學者,實際上還有一位精神科醫生。是的,確實有一些不錯的精神科醫生。也許我應該分享一位我非常欽佩的精神科醫生曾告訴我的話,我不會透露她的身份,但她說:「你知道為什麼有這麼多糟糕的精神科醫生嗎?」這其實不是開玩笑,雖然聽起來像是要講笑話的開場白。我說:「不知道,為什麼?」她說:「嗯,因為如果你是一位心胸外科醫生,30%的病人死了,那你會被認為是一位相當糟糕的心胸外科醫生。如果你是一位精神科醫生,除非你的病人經常自殺,否則你可以有一個相當「成功的職業生涯」,也沒有人質疑你是否擅長這份工作。因為這個領域A缺乏工具,B假定很多事情是沒有改善的,等等,他們列舉了許多為什麼精神醫學領域充斥著她所描述的糟糕精神科醫生的原因。因此,我確實相信有一些優秀的精神科醫生,包括研究和臨床的。我不知道這是否有幫助。聽起來你已經自行處理了對精神科醫生的關係。你不需要我說的話。我完全同意你的說法,是的。我嘗試留在精神醫學領域,但不斷撞上磚牆,因此我過去了30年的根基,現在開始回到精神醫學領域。因此,這樣感覺很好。有趣的是,時間在一個領域中是如此重要,不僅是學術領域,還有臨床領域,以及它的精神。如果有人有興趣了解我們在醫學和文化的歷程中所處的位置,我強烈建議閱讀奧利弗·薩克斯的《在路上》一書。
    他顯然是一位神經科醫生和作家,但他描述了通過醫學的成長過程,以及他在這些不同領域的經歷。他曾經研究過頭痛,這相當有趣。他寫了一本關於偏頭痛的書,還和自閉症譜系的孩子們合作,涉獵了許多不同的領域。在這些領域中,他都遭到了某些個人的激烈攻擊,通常是上級,最終被大學開除,轉到其他學校。
    他確實有自己的問題。對,他曾經是一名甲基苯丙胺癮君子,但後來他克服了這一點,成為偉大的奧利弗·薩克斯。可是,他描述這些領域的文化時,提到那時真的在壓制新想法,壓制人才。到了他職業生涯的末期,那些曾經開除他的幾所大學,醫院和大學,卻試圖以多個職位挽留他,因為如今他已經成為一位名人,並寫了一部電影或參與了電影《喚醒》(Awakenings)的製作。這揭示了這些大型機構的虛偽,讓我不由得想笑,也讓我意識到,對於我們這些在任何層面進行公共衛生教育的人,尤其是在這些非傳統方法上,分享這些的時機到了。好消息是,沒有人能永遠活著。所以,舊的守舊派會死去或退休,這是真的,我不會屏息等待那個精神病學部門邀請我回去。我不會問是哪一個部門的,我們可以私下討論這個問題。他們確實有可能這樣做。
    當然,還有幾個問題。首先,再回到文化的更大背景上,我喜歡你所持的樂觀態度,認為上帝保佑,民主黨和共和黨有可能在最重要的議題上達成某種共識,我們有潛力根除破壞性種族主義,各種形式的種族主義。但根據你的描述,實施的過程才是第一個需要處理的問題,對嗎?如果人們能看到自己內心的那些部分並與之合作,我們就有機會做到這一點。考慮到創傷幾乎無處不在,人們可以開始面對自己的創傷,這樣他們才能影響更少的其他人。我想這基本上是人類的終極目標了。近來,我和許多人一樣,這不僅僅是過去一年的事,而是過去十年來,我一直在發展一種感覺,這種感覺就是,天哪,問題的數量似乎在指數級增長。我們該怎麼應對呢?而且這之中有太多的責任推卸,比如,這是因為這個、那個原因。根本就不是解決方案。所以我喜歡你對樂觀的看法,認為這是有可能的。我想問的是,我們該如何讓這一點成為現實?
    是的,這正是我在過去幾年裡一直在努力的方向。我可以說,例如,我花了20年時間,像,我曾與暴食症共事,正如我所提到的,我認為這在該人群中確實有效。你讓那些有暴食症的人不再暴食。哇,然後我想,好的,那麼我們來看看「沒有壞部分」是否真的成立。因此,我去了我能找到的最艱難的群體。這20年裡,我一直在與解離性身份障礙(DID)共事,還有我工作過的,所謂的邊緣人格客戶,對吧?是的,非常常見,對吧?在你談及暴食症時,暴食症顯然是非常難以治療的,更不用說治癒了。因為人們與症狀鬥爭,他們試圖擺脫這些症狀,而不是傾聽驅使他們暴食的內心部分。從一對一的治療模式轉向人們可以自行或在小組中一起進行的工作模式。如果我沒錯,似乎與自我合作是第一個真正的步驟。對,沒有什麼能取代這一點。
    在激進分子的世界裡,總有一種…你在浪費時間的感覺,但一直存在著一種對立,即試圖在外部世界中改變事物的激進主義心態與坐下來專注內心而不做激進主義者之間的對立。但我正在與你會認識的許多激進分子合作,當他們來找我的時候,他們的激進主義來自一種正義的、評判的部分。如果我們能讓這部分退後一步,讓他們從自我出發進行激進行動,他們的影響將會截然不同。人們願意傾聽他們,而當他們處於那種正義的境地時,沒有人願意聽取羞辱的聲音,這是雙向的。人們需要做好自己的工作,接觸自我,然後開始嘗試改變外部世界,雖然不一定要先後進行,但至少要同時進行。
    太棒了。不,真的太棒了。我想我們從未進行過這樣的播客,觀眾有機會實時做自我工作。非常感謝你給我這個機會。是的,說實話,我不確定我是否聽過這種討論,這完完全全是對你和你的勇氣的證明。很明顯,你決定不進入內分泌學是我們所有人感激的決定。這不是一個決定。我的內分泌學朋友得接受我們有很多優秀的內分泌學家。 我們需要你,醫生。
    迪克·施瓦茨,讓自己置身於這個發掘和創造真正新穎療法和自我工作的方法的行業中,這樣的方法可以徹底改變文化、改變世界。這就是目標。是的,這不僅僅是空話。這些是真正的雄心壯志和可能實現的事情,如果人們做這份工作,就能夠達成。而今天來到這裡,與我們分享內在家庭系統結構的展示以及如何實踐的示範,並給予人們即時動手體驗的機會,還有您對於周圍事物及其內部的看法,這些都以令人難以置信的清晰度與對人們的真摯關懷展現出來。此外,我也非常喜歡這一切的具體性。這是非常具體的,對吧?而且我真的很感激,並且我相信其他人也同樣如此。因此,我想感謝您今天來到這裡。感謝您分享這些,我們將提供鏈接,讓大家能夠通過您創建的書籍、課程和其他資源學習更多,還有您所做的工作,感謝您就是您自己。這是一個真正的愉快經歷,我非常高興我們有這樣的交流。 我也是。哦,我的天啊。我的一些緊張的小部分讓我困擾不已,但一旦我們開始,我就感覺到彼此的聯繫,感受到您的讚賞和興趣,因此我們能夠進行這種自我交流,我非常喜愛這樣的互動。我喜歡花時間和那樣的能量。是的,同樣。您也是一位出色的訪談者,謝謝。這整個過程是一份愛的勞動,通過好奇心自由地探索。是的,這很明顯。我很確定。是的。我希望能夠繼續這個對話。我們很樂意。太好了。非常感謝。非常感謝您。感謝您參加今天與理查德·施瓦茨博士的討論。想了解更多他的工作並查找links他多本優秀書籍的鏈接,請參見節目筆記的標題。如果您喜歡這個播客,請訂閱我們的YouTube頻道。這是一個零成本支持我們的絕佳方式。此外,請在Spotify和Apple上點擊關注,您也可以在Spotify和Apple上給我們留下最多五顆星的評價。如果您對我有問題、對播客或者您希望我考慮在Huberman Lab播客中討論的主題有意見,請在YouTube的評論區留言。我會閱讀所有評論。請查看今天節目開始以及中間提到的贊助商。這是支持我們播客的最佳方式。對於那些還不知道的人,我有一本新書要出版。這是我第一本書,名為《人體的協議與操作手冊》。這本書我已經花費了五年以上的時間來撰寫,根據三十多年的研究和經驗,涵蓋了從睡眠到運動,還有與專注和動機相關的壓力控制協議。當然,我提供了包括的協議的科學依據。這本書現在可透過presale@protocallsbook.com預購。在那裡,您可以找到各種供應商的鏈接,您可以選擇最喜歡的。再次強調,這本書的名稱是《人體的協議與操作手冊》。如果您還沒有在社交媒體上關注我,我在所有社交媒體平台上都是Huberman Lab。所以,無論是Instagram、X(前稱Twitter)、Facebook、LinkedIn還是Threads。我在所有這些平台上討論科學和與科學相關的工具,其中部分內容與Huberman Lab播客的內容重疊,但很多內容與Huberman Lab播客的內容是不同的。再次強調,在所有社交媒體平台上都是Huberman Lab。如果您還沒有訂閱我們的神經網絡通訊,神經網絡通訊是一份零成本的每月通訊,涵蓋播客摘要以及我們所稱的以一到三頁的PDF形式呈現的協議,涵蓋從如何優化睡眠、如何優化多巴胺到刻意冷暴露,我們還有一個基礎健身協議,涵蓋心血管訓練和阻力訓練。所有內容都是完全免費的。您只需訪問hubermanlab.com,點擊右上角的菜單標籤,向下滾動至通訊並輸入您的電子郵件。我應該強調,我們不會與任何人分享您的電子郵件。再次感謝您參加今天與理查德·施瓦茨博士的討論。最後,但同樣重要的是,感謝您對科學的興趣。
    [音樂播放]
    (吉他音樂)

    My guest is Dr. Richard Schwartz, Ph.D., therapist, author, and founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. We discuss how IFS views the mind as a collection of parts, each shaped by different life experiences—both good and bad, including trauma. To demonstrate how IFS works, Dr. Schwartz guides Dr. Huberman and you, the listener, through an example IFS session. We also explore how IFS and body awareness can help break harmful thought and behavior patterns, promote emotional healing, and build healthier relationships.

    Read the full episode show notes at hubermanlab.com.

    Thank you to our sponsors

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    This experience may not be representative of the experience of other clients of Wealthfront, and there is no guarantee that all clients will have similar experiences. Cash Account is offered by Wealthfront Brokerage LLC, Member FINRA/SIPC. The Annual Percentage Yield (“APY”) on cash deposits as of December 27,‬ 2024, is representative, subject to change, and requires no minimum. Funds in the Cash Account are swept to partner banks where they earn the variable‭ APY. Promo terms and FDIC coverage conditions apply. Same-day withdrawal or instant payment transfers may be limited by destination institutions, daily transaction caps, and by participating entities such as Wells Fargo, the RTP® Network, and FedNow® Service. New Cash Account deposits are subject to a 2-4 day holding period before becoming available for transfer.

    Timestamps

    00:00:00 Dr. Richard Schwartz

    00:02:11 Internal Family Systems (IFS), Self & Parts

    00:07:23 Sponsors: BetterHelp & David Protein

    00:09:44 Trauma & Parts: Exiles, Roles, Critic, Managers, Firefighters

    00:15:32 Frustration & Anger, Surrender & Perspective

    00:19:35 Feelings, Curiosity & Self-Exploration, Protecting Other Parts

    00:29:35 Exploration of Inner Frustration, Judgement, Firefighters, Protectors

    00:40:04 Titanium Teddy Bear, The Self & Curiosity, Tool: The 8 C’s & Self

    00:46:41 Sponsors: AG1 & Wealthfront

    00:49:24 IFS Therapy, Self-Exploration

    00:53:47 Role Confusion, Conflict, Self & Clarity; Legacy Burdens

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  • Clinical Social Worker: Hidden Dangers Of Daycare, It Might Be Causing Future Issues For Your Kid! Birth Rates Are Plummeting & Its Terrifying! Dr Erica Komisar

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    0:00:04 One in five children will not leave childhood without developing a serious mental illness.
    0:00:11 Anxiety, depression, ADHD, behavioral problems, and what pisses me off is that we’re not really
    0:00:14 educating or telling parents the truth, as to why.
    0:00:17 Why is it that what you say is so troubling for some people?
    0:00:23 Sometimes facts are an inconvenient truth, but everything I’m going to say is supported by research.
    0:00:28 Erica Camusar is a parenting expert and psychoanalyst who uses over 30 years of research
    0:00:32 to challenge the societal norms on parenting and early child development.
    0:00:36 There’s some myths that really have to be debunked about how to raise a healthy child.
    0:00:40 And the first is daycare is good for children for socialization.
    0:00:45 No, it’s so bad for their brain and it’s been known to increase aggression, behavioral problems,
    0:00:50 attachment disorders because babies need their mothers to spend the first three years for emotional security.
    0:00:51 Can a father do that?
    0:00:54 So fathers are important in a different way, and I’ll go through all of that.
    0:00:59 But they’re both critical because if you’re raised without one, you are missing a piece.
    0:01:01 And then there’s quality versus quantity time.
    0:01:08 If you need to be there a quality of time as well as a quantity of time, you can’t have a fabulous career
    0:01:11 and then come home and be present for your child on your time.
    0:01:13 It needs to be on their time and there’s more.
    0:01:18 And we’re going to go through all of them, but are there any areas of privilege that you need to acknowledge?
    0:01:23 Maybe someone who doesn’t have a partner there or someone who is in an extremely difficult economic situation.
    0:01:28 I do, but there are ways to creatively deal with it and I’ll go through each of them.
    0:01:29 So there’s…
    0:01:36 I want to keep The Diary of a CEO free and not behind any kind of paywall or subscription model forever.
    0:01:41 And the way that we do that is that you guys choose to follow and subscribe to this show.
    0:01:44 So if you’re listening to the show right now, you might have been sent the episode,
    0:01:47 you might have listened to a couple before, can you do me a favor?
    0:01:51 And if you do me this favor, I promise that I’m going to fight every turn over the next 10 years
    0:01:56 to keep this show completely free without paywalls and without any kind of cost to the user.
    0:01:58 Can you hit the follow button?
    0:02:01 The follow button will be on whatever app you’re listening to now.
    0:02:02 It might be Spotify or Apple or something like that.
    0:02:07 But hitting that follow button, which is usually in the corner of the app or a little tick,
    0:02:11 is the reason this show will stay free forever, forever.
    0:02:13 Thank you so much. If you do that for me, thank you so much.
    0:02:15 I really appreciate it. Back to the episode.
    0:02:23 Erica, you’re clearly on a mission.
    0:02:28 And I get that energy from you that there’s really an idea that you believe
    0:02:34 that much of the world doesn’t believe or is struggling to accept in some way.
    0:02:36 But it’s an important idea.
    0:02:39 What is the mission that you’re on?
    0:02:45 I like to think of it as three P’s, presence, prioritization and prevention.
    0:02:48 And I’ll go through each of them.
    0:02:55 My mission is to educate parents and policymakers and clinicians and educators
    0:03:02 about the fact that for children to be mentally healthy in the future,
    0:03:07 you have to be physically and emotionally present for them throughout childhood,
    0:03:10 but particularly in the two critical periods of brain development,
    0:03:14 which are zero to three and nine to 25, which is adolescence.
    0:03:21 So in those two critical periods of brain development, particularly zero to three,
    0:03:26 much of a child’s development depends on their environment and you are their environment.
    0:03:29 So I run around the world talking about the importance of physical
    0:03:32 and emotional presence, attachment security.
    0:03:37 Attachment security is the foundation for future mental health.
    0:03:42 Prioritization, we prioritize everything today other than our children.
    0:03:48 We prioritize our work, our careers, our material success,
    0:03:53 our personal desires and pleasures, but what we’re not prioritizing is children.
    0:03:59 And that’s a problem because if we don’t prioritize them, they break down.
    0:04:03 They may break down at three, they may break down at eight,
    0:04:08 or they may not break down till they’re in adolescence, but eventually they break down.
    0:04:11 And prevention, there’s so much that we can do.
    0:04:15 We have a mental health crisis now in the world.
    0:04:17 It varies to a certain degree in America.
    0:04:21 One in five children will not leave childhood without breaking down at some point,
    0:04:28 without developing a serious mental illness, anxiety, depression, ADHD,
    0:04:32 behavioral problems, suicidal thoughts.
    0:04:34 So we have a problem in the UK.
    0:04:35 It’s one in six in America.
    0:04:38 It’s one in five around the world.
    0:04:40 It’s about one in five.
    0:04:41 That is a shocking figure.
    0:04:47 And so, and the truth is we can do a great deal to prevent that.
    0:04:55 The idea that we are trying to put out fires without talking about what is the origin of these issues.
    0:04:59 The way that the mental health care system works now, it’s like what I call cutting the grass.
    0:05:03 Children are medicated, which is basically just pain management.
    0:05:09 They’re given CBT therapy, which again is just pain management.
    0:05:11 But why aren’t we asking the important questions?
    0:05:15 Which is where does emotional regulation originate?
    0:05:16 Where does it come from?
    0:05:19 When does it start?
    0:05:24 How do we foster development in children from a very young age to promote resilience,
    0:05:27 to stress and adversity in the future?
    0:05:29 And so those are my three missions.
    0:05:34 And for someone who doesn’t know your work and isn’t aware of you,
    0:05:39 they might be thinking, how would you know, Erica?
    0:05:40 How would you know the answer?
    0:05:42 So I’m a psychoanalyst.
    0:05:44 I’m also a social worker.
    0:05:47 I started out as a social worker and then became a psychoanalyst.
    0:05:52 I’m also an author of books on parent guidance and parent education.
    0:05:55 And I’ve been in practice seeing patients.
    0:05:58 So the majority of my work is still seeing patients.
    0:06:01 I have a full time job of seeing patients.
    0:06:05 And as someone who is also a parent, I have three children of my own.
    0:06:14 And so as a parent, as a clinician, as an author who has for the past 20 years
    0:06:20 been researching, and what I did is I collected research in epigenetics
    0:06:26 and attachment theory and neuroscience and wrote my first book, Being There.
    0:06:32 Because what happened is I was seeing this uptick in mental illness in children.
    0:06:33 And this is really how I got into it.
    0:06:40 About 30 years ago, I started practicing about 36 years ago.
    0:06:46 But I was probably five years into my practice and I was seeing that the families that were
    0:06:50 coming to see me had younger and younger children that were being diagnosed
    0:06:55 with very serious mental illnesses and being medicated at a very young age,
    0:06:57 basically silencing their pain.
    0:07:04 And what I was observing in my practice is that those children who were doing the least well
    0:07:09 were the ones whose mothers were the least present in their lives.
    0:07:14 So their primary attachment figures were the least present in their lives.
    0:07:16 And so then I started looking at the research.
    0:07:20 I looked at all the neuroscience research since the 90s and all of the new,
    0:07:22 new research that had come out.
    0:07:26 I looked at the old attachment theories, which have been around since the 60s.
    0:07:29 And I looked at the epigenetic research, which was rather new too.
    0:07:36 And I saw this trend, I saw that we were abandoning our children
    0:07:42 for our own desires, for our careers, for material success.
    0:07:48 And there was a great deal of misunderstanding about the irreducible emotional needs of children.
    0:07:51 We’re going to go through all of that today.
    0:07:53 I’m very excited to learn more about all of this.
    0:07:54 I’m not a parent myself.
    0:08:00 From all the investigative research we’ve done, you have three very well adjusted children.
    0:08:02 So congratulations for that.
    0:08:05 And I hope to have successful children myself one day.
    0:08:09 But I’m also just really interested in understanding myself through the work that you’ve done
    0:08:12 and the work that you continue to do, because we’re all at one point children.
    0:08:15 And much of the fingerprints of the early experience still exists in us today.
    0:08:20 So I’m keen to understand how things that might have happened to me or anyone listening today,
    0:08:25 when we were younger, may have shaped us in pro-social or anti-social ways,
    0:08:27 or productive or unproductive ways.
    0:08:31 You mentioned that you still see clients and patients today.
    0:08:34 What kind of patients do you see?
    0:08:36 What are they struggling with?
    0:08:37 And who are they?
    0:08:39 Are you seeing the parents, the kids, both?
    0:08:45 Well, I have a very large parent guidance practice because of the books that I write.
    0:08:50 In the articles I write, I also write for The Wall Street Journal and other newspapers.
    0:08:56 So I, you know, people find me through my writing and then they reach out for help.
    0:09:01 And so I have, the parent guidance basically means people come to see me,
    0:09:06 either both parents or one parent, because they have questions about their child’s development
    0:09:07 or something’s going wrong.
    0:09:13 Their child’s starting to develop symptoms and they don’t want to medicate them.
    0:09:18 And they want to understand what’s really at the root cause of the issue.
    0:09:21 And so that’s a good portion of my practice.
    0:09:24 But I also see individual patients for depression and anxiety.
    0:09:28 And I see couples and, you know, the joke about psychoanalysis,
    0:09:30 we’re all specialists in depression and anxiety.
    0:09:36 But yeah, so I see individuals and couples, but a lot of parent guidance work.
    0:09:41 And they come to you typically because they’re noticing something is not right with their child?
    0:09:45 Sometimes they’ll come preventatively because they want to raise a healthy child.
    0:09:48 And there’s so much white noise in society.
    0:09:50 There’s so much of misinformation.
    0:09:54 Our instincts are to lean into our children.
    0:10:01 Our evolutionary drive is to create a feeling of safety and security for our children
    0:10:06 and to be as present as possible and to soothe them when they’re in distress
    0:10:08 and to be there to teach them our values.
    0:10:13 But society took a turn.
    0:10:19 It took a turn in the, I suppose you could say going back to the industrial revolution.
    0:10:22 If I really want to go back, I’ll say the industrial revolution was a time when
    0:10:27 women were forced into the workplace into factories and cities, you know,
    0:10:30 they were separated from children for the first time.
    0:10:35 But really the turn that society took that I think has a lot to do with what’s happening today
    0:10:39 is the me movement of the 60s and also the feminist movement.
    0:10:45 Both of those movements, which had a tremendously positive impact on society in one way,
    0:10:48 also had a tremendously negative impact on society.
    0:10:57 When women decided that it was cool to go to work and to work full time out of the home,
    0:11:02 you know, everybody cheered and said, great, you know, women have the same rights as men
    0:11:07 and now everybody can be in the workforce and be independent and make money and do their own thing.
    0:11:08 Me, me, me, me, me.
    0:11:12 The problem is that children were dropped.
    0:11:20 They were abandoned and their needs, which are not needs that are going to shift because society
    0:11:25 shifts because they have irreducible neurological emotional needs.
    0:11:30 So we know that babies are born neurologically and emotionally fragile.
    0:11:34 And so what that means is they’re not born resilient.
    0:11:41 And today what’s being projected onto babies is they can handle a lot.
    0:11:42 They can handle stress.
    0:11:44 They can handle separation.
    0:11:49 They can handle you going back to work after six weeks or three months and leaving them
    0:11:54 in daycare with strangers or, you know, and from an evolutionary perspective,
    0:12:01 babies have always needed the physical skin to skin contact with their mothers for the first year.
    0:12:04 Most parts of the world babies are worn on their mother’s bodies
    0:12:10 because mothers perform a number of really important functions for babies that are biological
    0:12:17 functions based on our evolutionary need to provide our babies with what we call attachment security.
    0:12:24 So, you know, society took a turn and it’s caused a lot of damage.
    0:12:30 I mean, this mental health crisis in children, I saw coming 30 years ago.
    0:12:37 And it was already, you know, so, you know, I have friends and colleagues like Jonathan
    0:12:39 Hyde who says, “Oh, well, it didn’t start till social media.”
    0:12:43 And that’s false because I was seeing this uptick.
    0:12:49 And if you really look, there was an uptick in mental illness in children going back decades.
    0:12:55 And it had everything to do with the shift in society towards self-centeredness,
    0:12:59 towards narcissism, towards individualism, towards me, me, me.
    0:13:04 And so, you know, and I always say that you don’t have to have children, period,
    0:13:06 to have a satisfying life.
    0:13:12 But if you’re going to have children, you need to be equipped to care for them.
    0:13:17 Because having children alone without really understanding what it means to care for them
    0:13:22 and being prepared to take on that responsibility is causing our children to break down.
    0:13:26 Why do you mention mothers and not fathers in that?
    0:13:29 Because you seem to have an emphasis on the role that a mother plays,
    0:13:34 and it seems to be more important in your view than the role that a father plays,
    0:13:37 or maybe even a nanny or some other caregiver could play.
    0:13:42 And I noticed that on your first book, which was written in 2017, being there,
    0:13:49 on the cover, it says, “Why prioritizing motherhood in bigger letters in the first three years matters?”
    0:13:52 Scientifically, evolutionarily, with studies and research,
    0:13:57 how can you make the case to me to make me believe that the role of the mother in particular
    0:14:00 is essential versus a father or other caregiver?
    0:14:06 So in fact, in the book, it talks about the difference between mothers and fathers,
    0:14:07 because that’s an important question.
    0:14:13 And the reason I wrote about mothers is not because fathers are unimportant,
    0:14:15 but fathers are important in a different way.
    0:14:21 So there’s a whole debate in society about this kind of idea of gender neutrality,
    0:14:23 that mothers and fathers are interchangeable.
    0:14:27 But actually, from an evolutionary perspective, as mammals, they’re not interchangeable.
    0:14:29 They serve different functions.
    0:14:34 And those roles and those behaviors are connected to nurturing hormones.
    0:14:40 So mothers are really important for what we call sensitive empathic nurturing
    0:14:42 when children are infants and toddlers.
    0:14:48 That means that when children are in distress, mothers soothe babies
    0:14:52 and therefore regulate their emotions from moment to moment.
    0:14:58 Every time a mother soothes a baby with skin-to-skin contact and eye contact,
    0:15:03 and the soothing tone of her voice, she’s leaning into that baby’s pain,
    0:15:05 and she is regulating that baby’s emotions.
    0:15:09 And the way I like to think about it is that when babies are born,
    0:15:14 they’re born emotionally disjointed.
    0:15:17 Think about sailing in the Atlantic.
    0:15:18 This is how babies’ emotions go.
    0:15:22 They’ll go from zero to 60 in three seconds with their emotions.
    0:15:28 And where we want to get babies is to sailing in the Caribbean.
    0:15:29 Not flatlining.
    0:15:31 But we want them to be able to regulate their emotions,
    0:15:33 but they’re not born that way.
    0:15:39 And so mothers, because they soothe the baby from moment to moment,
    0:15:42 when they’re physically and emotionally present enough in the first three years,
    0:15:46 they help a baby to learn how to regulate their emotions.
    0:15:51 So by three years of age, 85% of the right brain is developed.
    0:15:54 And by three years of age, babies can then start to internalize
    0:15:56 the ability to regulate their own emotions.
    0:16:01 Now if mothers aren’t present as the primary attachment figures
    0:16:08 to do that mirroring of emotion, to do that soothing of their emotions,
    0:16:10 then babies don’t learn how to regulate their emotions.
    0:16:14 The other thing that’s important that mothers do is they buffer babies from stress
    0:16:17 by wearing them on their body for the first year.
    0:16:21 And then by being as present as possible for three years,
    0:16:26 they actually protect babies’ brains from cortisol, the stress hormone.
    0:16:30 So there is a hormone called oxytocin.
    0:16:35 It’s the love hormone, and it is protective against cortisol.
    0:16:38 The more a mother nurtures with sensitive, empathic nurturing,
    0:16:42 meaning when the baby cries, the mother goes, “Oh, sweetheart,
    0:16:45 let me see the boo boo. Let me kiss the boo boo.”
    0:16:49 That actually raises the oxytocin in the baby’s brain,
    0:16:53 which then protects the baby from cortisol.
    0:16:54 Can a father do that?
    0:16:57 So now fathers, why are fathers important?
    0:17:04 So fathers also produce oxytocin, but it has a different effect on their brain.
    0:17:08 So for mothers, oxytocin makes mothers sensitive, empathic nurtures,
    0:17:10 very vigilant to the baby’s distress.
    0:17:15 When fathers produce oxytocin, it comes from a different part of their brain,
    0:17:20 and it makes them more what we call playful tactile stimulators of babies.
    0:17:22 What does that sound like to you?
    0:17:25 Playful tactful stimulators of babies.
    0:17:27 Throwing the baby up in the air and tippling the baby,
    0:17:30 and running after the baby, and rough housing.
    0:17:33 And so that’s important for a variety of reasons.
    0:17:39 First, it encourages things like exploration and risk taking.
    0:17:40 It encourages separation.
    0:17:44 And fathers do this really important thing,
    0:17:48 which is they help the baby to learn to regulate certain emotions.
    0:17:53 So mothers help to regulate sadness, fear, distress.
    0:17:56 Fathers help to regulate excitement and aggression.
    0:17:59 So when fathers aren’t in the house,
    0:18:02 when there are single mothers raising children without a father,
    0:18:05 often little boys develop behavioral problems,
    0:18:09 is what we’re seeing, that they can’t regulate their aggression.
    0:18:11 Because fathers help little boys in particular,
    0:18:14 but little girls too, to regulate aggression.
    0:18:17 So when fathers aren’t around, you’ll often see little boys
    0:18:21 who are more impulsive, who are more aggressive.
    0:18:26 So the answer is, fathers and mothers are both critical
    0:18:27 to the development of children,
    0:18:30 which is a very controversial thing to say today,
    0:18:34 because if you’re raised without one, you are missing a piece.
    0:18:37 But they’re not the same.
    0:18:41 And they’re not the same because our hormones dictate they’re not the same.
    0:18:45 So fathers produce a hormone in great quantities called vasopressin.
    0:18:49 Vasopressin is the protective aggressive hormone.
    0:18:50 And what does it do?
    0:18:53 It helps fathers to protect their family.
    0:18:57 There was a study that was done where mothers and fathers lay in bed.
    0:19:00 And the baby cries.
    0:19:02 It was out of the UK, this study.
    0:19:03 The baby cries.
    0:19:07 And the father sleep through the baby’s distress cries.
    0:19:09 But the mothers wake up right away.
    0:19:14 Okay. But with the rustling of leaves outside the window,
    0:19:17 the mothers sleep through it, and the fathers wake up right away.
    0:19:21 Because the fathers are attuned to predatorial threat.
    0:19:25 So our nurturing hormones make us different.
    0:19:31 I mean, the fact that we can say that there are many things that are similar
    0:19:33 between women and men, of course, we’re both intelligent.
    0:19:35 We can both be ambitious.
    0:19:43 But I think the idea that we want to kind of make everything the same
    0:19:45 when it’s just not factual.
    0:19:50 It is the inconvenient truth that mothers and fathers nurturing hormones
    0:19:55 dictate that if they are healthy and they’ve been raised in a healthy environment,
    0:19:56 they are different.
    0:20:00 Now, does that mean that a father can’t raise a child and be a sensitive empathic nurture?
    0:20:03 It doesn’t mean he can’t take on that role.
    0:20:07 But if as a society, we can’t acknowledge the differences,
    0:20:11 then a father can’t learn to be a sensitive empathic nurture.
    0:20:14 Meaning these are instinctual behaviors.
    0:20:19 And so that infant, if that father is going to stay home with that baby,
    0:20:25 acknowledging the differences allows that father then to become a sensitive empathic nurture.
    0:20:31 So interesting because these aren’t the ideas that are socially accepted,
    0:20:33 or at least the ideas you see on social media.
    0:20:35 And funnily enough, as you were speaking,
    0:20:38 I recorded everything you said and I ran it through AI.
    0:20:43 And AI said the core ideas that you shared are well supported by evolutionary psychology
    0:20:48 and neuroscience, which is quite surprising because usually AI argues with people.
    0:20:52 I mean, so the thing is, none of the books I write are based on opinion.
    0:20:57 So I’m very skittish about saying anything that isn’t backed up with research.
    0:21:06 So it’s everything that I write about and speak about is supported by research.
    0:21:09 Why is it that what you say is so troubling for some people?
    0:21:11 You know why, right?
    0:21:14 Because it makes us confront a set of realities that…
    0:21:17 It’s an inconvenient truth to quote Al Gore.
    0:21:18 It’s an inconvenient truth.
    0:21:22 Sometimes facts are an inconvenient truth.
    0:21:25 Just like climate change is an inconvenient truth.
    0:21:27 This is an inconvenient truth.
    0:21:29 It inconveniences people.
    0:21:31 It also makes people feel guilty.
    0:21:35 So I don’t believe that guilt is a bad feeling.
    0:21:37 I don’t believe that guilt is a bad thing.
    0:21:42 Guilt is a sign that your ego is functioning.
    0:21:47 It’s a sign that the part of you, the part of your ego called the superego,
    0:21:50 can identify something that feels right and wrong.
    0:21:55 So if you look at a baby who’s crying, who’s your baby and you feel nothing,
    0:21:59 that means that there’s a part of you that is dead inside.
    0:22:04 There’s a part of you that is unempathic towards your own young.
    0:22:07 And we would say that that doesn’t make that person a bad person.
    0:22:13 It makes that person someone who probably had some early trauma themselves, right?
    0:22:16 It means that they probably have some kind of attachment disorder
    0:22:21 where they can’t be attuned to their baby’s pain, right?
    0:22:25 So when you are guilty, it means you have internal conflict.
    0:22:28 It means two parts of you are struggling with each other.
    0:22:31 The part of you that wants to do whatever you want to do.
    0:22:32 I want to go out to work.
    0:22:33 I want to make money.
    0:22:35 I want to be free, you know?
    0:22:37 And the other part of you that says, “Wait a second.
    0:22:41 But my baby, my baby needs me.
    0:22:42 Look at my vulnerable baby.
    0:22:43 Look how sad.
    0:22:47 Look at the distress that my absence is causing that baby.”
    0:22:52 So if we don’t feel guilt, then our species is lost.
    0:22:53 We’re lost.
    0:22:56 Now, excessive guilt is another thing.
    0:23:00 If you’re a good enough mother or a good enough father
    0:23:03 and you still feel guilty, then we call it anxiety.
    0:23:09 But for the most part, what I say makes a lot of women and men feel guilty.
    0:23:12 And again, I don’t see that as a bad thing.
    0:23:19 And I think when we tell parents to turn away from their guilt instead of turning toward it,
    0:23:22 when we turn towards our internal conflicts,
    0:23:25 we tend to make better decisions for ourselves,
    0:23:27 for our children, for our families.
    0:23:31 But when we turn away from those conflicts,
    0:23:33 we tend not to make good decisions.
    0:23:36 And those tend to have long-term consequences.
    0:23:39 What exactly are you inconveniencing with your truth?
    0:23:42 What are the ideas that you’re–
    0:23:47 That you have to sacrifice time and money and freedom.
    0:23:52 That if you want to raise healthy children,
    0:23:56 it’s going to require discomfort and frustration and sacrifice.
    0:24:00 And what’s interesting is that what’s also happened is,
    0:24:04 because we’re raising our children in such a selfish, self-centered environment,
    0:24:08 young people are more fragile.
    0:24:10 They are more emotionally fragile.
    0:24:13 More of them have attachment disorders.
    0:24:15 They can’t bear frustration.
    0:24:16 They can’t bear pain.
    0:24:19 They can’t bear sleeplessness.
    0:24:21 The idea that you have to get a baby nurse
    0:24:25 because you can’t get up in the middle of the night with your own baby.
    0:24:29 And that’s become the norm in certain socioeconomic circles.
    0:24:37 So women and men always raised children in history,
    0:24:39 in extended family circles.
    0:24:43 They weren’t isolated.
    0:24:45 And today, parents are very isolated.
    0:24:48 So you would have your mother staying with you,
    0:24:50 or you’d have your sister staying with you,
    0:24:53 or you’d live in a big house and there’d be people to support you.
    0:25:01 I started a nonprofit recently because I found that so many mothers–
    0:25:03 It’s called attachment circles.
    0:25:06 So many mothers feel so isolated
    0:25:12 that dealing with the pain and the discomfort of mothering alone is too much for them.
    0:25:13 So there is that.
    0:25:16 So we live in a very strange society
    0:25:19 where people are separate from one another
    0:25:21 and their own house is in apartments
    0:25:23 and they don’t depend on one another
    0:25:25 because dependency is a bad word.
    0:25:32 But there is also this issue of how are we producing such fragile youth
    0:25:36 that even the discomfort and the frustration
    0:25:38 of raising children is too much for them.
    0:25:42 There’s a big economic component to this as well, right?
    0:25:45 Because if you’re raising children in isolation,
    0:25:48 the probability that you have disposable income
    0:25:52 or at least enough money to be able to just stay at home and raise the kids
    0:25:56 and still maintain any quality standard of life
    0:25:59 is lower if you’re not doing it with a big extended family
    0:26:03 that can support and pay for some of those costs.
    0:26:07 Interestingly, yes and no to your question.
    0:26:17 People who have less economic resources are in general less isolated
    0:26:20 but they are also isolated today.
    0:26:23 You have a lot of single mothers raising children,
    0:26:27 not in an apartment with other family members
    0:26:30 who’ve had to move to other cities or countries
    0:26:33 to make a living who are really isolated.
    0:26:39 You know, again, I think it crosses socioeconomic lines.
    0:26:44 But with wealthier people, more affluent people,
    0:26:50 they’re opting for isolation, many of them.
    0:26:52 They’re buying big houses, they’re living in the suburbs
    0:26:56 or they’re not wanting to lean on anyone, right?
    0:27:00 So we have what I call a family diaspora.
    0:27:05 It’s really what it is, which is that people will move away
    0:27:09 from their families of origin when they have children,
    0:27:11 which is very bizarre and anti-instinctual.
    0:27:14 So the world’s become a global place
    0:27:15 and we can move wherever we want.
    0:27:19 But doesn’t it make common sense, isn’t it a reasonable clause
    0:27:23 that you would want to move closer to your extended family
    0:27:27 even if there are pain in the neck unless they’re abusive?
    0:27:31 Because it provides you with support.
    0:27:33 It provides you with extended family support,
    0:27:35 but that’s not what’s happening.
    0:27:39 People are choosing to live geographically distant
    0:27:41 from their families of origin.
    0:27:44 And so it’s making it harder for families.
    0:27:46 It’s making it harder for women.
    0:27:49 It’s making them feel more isolated.
    0:27:52 They’ve got their own career, they’ve got their own passions.
    0:27:54 There are things that they love doing
    0:27:57 and that means that they have to be working in a major city
    0:28:01 or they have to be traveling to pursue those things.
    0:28:02 You just said it.
    0:28:05 What if they have passions?
    0:28:07 What if they have a career?
    0:28:12 The problem is children do best in extended family situations.
    0:28:15 So you can have a fabulous career
    0:28:16 and move far away from your family.
    0:28:18 And when you’re young and single,
    0:28:21 and I even call it single when you’re married
    0:28:23 but don’t have children, you’re still really single.
    0:28:26 You know what I say to parents is that
    0:28:30 your life won’t be so fabulous if you have children
    0:28:32 and you’re not present for them.
    0:28:36 Physically and emotionally, particularly in the early years
    0:28:38 because what happens is they break down
    0:28:42 and the expression goes that a parent is only as happy
    0:28:44 as their least happy child.
    0:28:48 And so there is no fabulous life
    0:28:49 if your children are breaking down.
    0:28:51 And that’s what families are learning
    0:28:54 is that all of that freedom
    0:28:59 and all that fabulous me time comes at a cost
    0:29:00 if you have children.
    0:29:03 So one would say then, “Well, I just won’t have children then.”
    0:29:06 And that would be fine.
    0:29:09 And so there are a lot of people that are saying today,
    0:29:12 “I don’t see the value in being responsible
    0:29:13 for another human being.”
    0:29:16 And what they’re missing out on is the deep
    0:29:21 and rewarding emotional connection to your children.
    0:29:23 It’s a love like no other love.
    0:29:28 But if you’ve had trauma as a child,
    0:29:32 if you’ve had parents who were narcissistic
    0:29:39 or resented parenting or were distracted or mentally ill,
    0:29:44 you may already have had that trauma
    0:29:49 that implies that later it’s harder to connect.
    0:29:52 So those attachment disorders that I was referring to earlier,
    0:29:55 there’s three kinds of attachment disorders.
    0:29:58 There’s the avoidant attachment disorder.
    0:29:59 So what does that mean?
    0:30:01 So a healthy attachment looks like this.
    0:30:08 When you return home, your child feels so securely attached to you.
    0:30:12 I mean, you’ve gone out for an hour or two for dinner with your spouse.
    0:30:17 You come home and your baby is happy to see you
    0:30:19 and the reunion, what we call the reunion,
    0:30:20 is a beautiful reunion.
    0:30:22 The baby is joyful and happy.
    0:30:25 And that’s healthy attachment.
    0:30:28 It means that you’ve made your baby feel so safe and secure
    0:30:29 because you are there primarily
    0:30:32 and have prioritized them the majority of the time
    0:30:34 as the primary attachment figure
    0:30:37 that when you come home, your baby welcomes it.
    0:30:40 But what we’re seeing is more and more children
    0:30:42 developing attachment disorders
    0:30:45 because their parents are pushing the limits
    0:30:48 of how much they can leave those babies
    0:30:51 and putting them in things like institutional care
    0:30:53 and leaving them for long hours at a time
    0:30:56 and traveling for their fabulous careers
    0:30:58 than their fabulous lives at ages
    0:31:01 when babies really can’t tolerate that kind of separation.
    0:31:05 When a parent comes, when the primary attachment figure,
    0:31:07 usually the mother comes home
    0:31:09 and the baby turns away from you
    0:31:14 and turns toward the babysitter or just turns away,
    0:31:16 that baby has the beginning
    0:31:18 of what’s called an avoid an attachment disorder.
    0:31:23 Now that’s correlated later on with things like depression
    0:31:26 and difficulty forming attachments later on.
    0:31:31 The next kind of attachment disorder
    0:31:33 is called an ambivalent attachment disorder.
    0:31:35 And the mother then comes home
    0:31:39 and the baby clings to the mother for dear life
    0:31:42 because the internal voice in that baby
    0:31:44 is my mommy’s going to leave me again.
    0:31:45 So I have to hold on to her.
    0:31:48 Now that baby is fractious and can’t be soothed
    0:31:53 and will not let go of that mother holding on for dear life.
    0:31:55 What I call like the Reese’s monkeys did
    0:31:56 to the wire cages, right?
    0:32:01 And that’s correlated later on with anxiety in youth.
    0:32:06 The disorganized attachment disorder
    0:32:07 is different than the other two
    0:32:10 in that the other two have a strategy.
    0:32:13 So think of an attachment disorder as a strategy,
    0:32:16 a child who’s left for too many hours by their parent
    0:32:18 or whose parent is physically present
    0:32:19 but emotionally checked out.
    0:32:23 That baby has to cope, has to have a strategy.
    0:32:26 Turning away from the mother is a strategy.
    0:32:29 And the internal narrative is my mommy isn’t present for me,
    0:32:32 isn’t here for me, won’t be there for me.
    0:32:34 I can’t trust my environment.
    0:32:38 And that baby says, “And I’m going to have to cope on my own.”
    0:32:41 What we call learned helplessness.
    0:32:44 The ambivalent attachment disorder,
    0:32:47 that baby is the strategy is,
    0:32:51 I’m going to hold on because if I don’t hold on,
    0:32:52 she’s going to leave again.
    0:32:56 Disorganized attachment disorder is the hardest to treat
    0:32:59 because the baby has no strategy.
    0:33:02 So the baby cycles through many strategies.
    0:33:06 The baby will go from clinging to avoiding
    0:33:09 to being enraged and even slapping or hitting the mother
    0:33:11 and then cycling through again.
    0:33:16 And that baby that develops a disorganized attachment disorder,
    0:33:19 those babies, it’s correlated later
    0:33:21 with borderline personality disorder.
    0:33:26 And we’re seeing a huge rise in borderline personality disorders.
    0:33:28 And those are the kids who are cutting themselves,
    0:33:30 who are trying to commit suicide.
    0:33:34 We have a mental illness crisis,
    0:33:37 the likes of which we’ve never seen in history.
    0:33:40 And it has everything to do with how we’re raising our children.
    0:33:43 You seem pissed off under that calm demeanor.
    0:33:43 Pissed off?
    0:33:46 Yes, I suppose I am.
    0:33:48 I’m not pissed off at the people.
    0:33:52 I’m pissed off at a society that is lying
    0:33:55 or not really educating or telling parents the truth.
    0:33:59 So there’s four attachment disorders.
    0:34:03 Avoidant, secure, ambivalent, disorganized.
    0:34:05 Well, one secure isn’t a disorder.
    0:34:08 So there’s secure and then there’s three attachment disorders.
    0:34:10 Avoidant, ambivalent, disorganized.
    0:34:10 Yes.
    0:34:13 How does that manifest when you’re an adult?
    0:34:16 So how would I know, because I can relate to some of these,
    0:34:18 and I’m wondering how that would then manifest
    0:34:19 in my relationships with my life as an adult
    0:34:24 outside of the obvious mental health situations.
    0:34:26 So an avoidant attachment disorder
    0:34:33 would be someone who can’t form meaningful and deep connections,
    0:34:36 can’t commit, has difficulty committing,
    0:34:39 has difficulty trusting in the intimacy
    0:34:43 and the depth of intimacy in a relationship.
    0:34:45 An ambivalent attachment disorder
    0:34:49 would be someone who’s highly, highly anxious,
    0:34:53 someone who clings to you, calls you,
    0:34:56 maybe a woman you’ve dated in the past
    0:34:59 who called you five times a day to check on you
    0:35:01 and was worried that you’d be the little fish that swam away
    0:35:03 and suffocate.
    0:35:05 They suffocate the people they love
    0:35:06 because they’re afraid to let go.
    0:35:11 Disorganized attachment, borderline personality disorders,
    0:35:14 they tend to be very emotionally volatile.
    0:35:17 There’s a lot of anger there,
    0:35:21 and there’s a lot of self-harm, self-harming behavior there.
    0:35:27 Do they end up attracting a certain attachment style?
    0:35:30 So if I’m an avoidant, do I then end up attracting avoidance,
    0:35:34 or do I, is there any research on that, on how we then date?
    0:35:36 I’m guessing secures go for secures.
    0:35:38 Yeah, secures, well, if you’re healthy,
    0:35:41 you’re attracted to reciprocally healthy relationships
    0:35:42 and you trust your environment,
    0:35:45 so you trust in loving relationships.
    0:35:51 And avoidance sometimes are attracted to avoidant people
    0:35:53 because there’s no conflict there.
    0:35:55 So in other words, someone who can’t commit
    0:35:57 with someone also who can’t commit,
    0:36:01 that can break down those at some point.
    0:36:04 So remember that these are pathological defenses.
    0:36:07 So we use the word defense because it means to protect one.
    0:36:13 And defenses help us until they no longer help us.
    0:36:16 And so we say attachment disorders are pathological defenses,
    0:36:19 meaning they don’t usually last a lifetime.
    0:36:21 They break down at some point.
    0:36:25 And so you might be with another avoidant attachment
    0:36:30 disordered person, but at some point one of you breaks down
    0:36:32 and then realizes that you need the other.
    0:36:36 And then you’re with in a relationship
    0:36:37 with someone who can’t give back.
    0:36:41 So yeah, as we say, like levels of water meet.
    0:36:46 So people will be attracted to one another often of the same ilk,
    0:36:49 but it isn’t necessarily a healthy relationship.
    0:36:52 And of all these four attachment styles,
    0:36:55 who do you think, which attachment style,
    0:36:57 from in your opinion and from your observations
    0:36:58 and the people that you’ve seen,
    0:37:01 is most likely to have a successful
    0:37:03 and then also unsuccessful relationship?
    0:37:07 Oh, well, secure attachment will have a successful,
    0:37:10 I mean, secure people with secure attachment
    0:37:16 will be drawn to healthy reciprocal loving deep connections
    0:37:19 because they’ve had a deep and loving connection
    0:37:20 with their mother.
    0:37:23 So remember, I said that it’s only after three years of age
    0:37:26 that you internalize the feeling of security.
    0:37:29 And where you internalize the feeling
    0:37:32 that the world is a safe place
    0:37:34 and you can trust the people in it.
    0:37:37 And you can trust to love another person.
    0:37:41 And so, you know, we throw that word trust around,
    0:37:42 but we don’t realize that it comes
    0:37:44 from the very beginnings of our development.
    0:37:47 When we don’t trust others,
    0:37:51 it’s generally because we couldn’t trust those
    0:37:54 that we were to depend upon
    0:37:56 when we were at our most vulnerable stage.
    0:37:58 And what about the other, the alternative?
    0:38:01 So if, which of these attachment styles
    0:38:04 is least likely to have successful relationships?
    0:38:06 That’s disorganized.
    0:38:06 Okay.
    0:38:09 They have a very hard time forming relationships,
    0:38:10 holding onto relationships.
    0:38:13 Yeah, I would say it’s,
    0:38:16 they’re the most complicated to treat.
    0:38:19 And they’re also the most complicated in terms of,
    0:38:23 you know, being able to have successful relationships
    0:38:23 in the future.
    0:38:25 I was wondering as you were speaking,
    0:38:27 whether if I have more kids,
    0:38:29 so if I have 10 young kids,
    0:38:33 is there a higher probability that I’ve neglect in those kids?
    0:38:34 Because if I’m a mother,
    0:38:37 I just don’t have time for all of these kids at the same time.
    0:38:39 They can’t all be on my chest at the same time.
    0:38:41 Yeah, it’s a good question.
    0:38:43 Well, there’s something in the developing world
    0:38:45 called maternal depletion syndrome,
    0:38:46 which is that mothers can actually die
    0:38:49 in the developing world of having too many children
    0:38:50 in too short a period of time.
    0:38:52 They get depleted physically,
    0:38:54 but they also get depleted emotionally.
    0:38:56 I’m going to say it right now,
    0:38:58 so everybody can hear who’s watching this.
    0:39:01 Having children is stressful.
    0:39:03 It is frustrating.
    0:39:06 It does require that you are sleepless
    0:39:08 for the first five years.
    0:39:10 It requires that you can tolerate
    0:39:12 a lot of discomfort and frustration.
    0:39:15 So if there was a job description,
    0:39:18 first it would say the most joyful,
    0:39:23 enriching thing you can do in your entire life.
    0:39:27 But what comes with that to foster
    0:39:29 healthy development is frustration,
    0:39:33 lack of sleep, stress, discomfort.
    0:39:35 And so that should be part of the job description.
    0:39:38 Yeah, it seems to be such an important
    0:39:40 principle for life generally
    0:39:42 that everything has a trade-off.
    0:39:44 And I think it was Einstein that said,
    0:39:47 “For every force has an equal and opposite
    0:39:49 counter-force or something to that effect.”
    0:39:53 And a lot of people are choosing not
    0:39:54 to make the decision to have kids.
    0:39:56 I was looking at some stats around this.
    0:39:57 The European Union witnessed
    0:40:00 only 3.8 million births in 2022,
    0:40:03 nearly half the number recorded six decades ago,
    0:40:06 marking one of the lowest birth rates in history.
    0:40:08 France, for example,
    0:40:10 known for its robust family policies,
    0:40:14 has seen a decrease from 830,000 children
    0:40:19 born in 2010 to just 670,000 in 2023,
    0:40:21 the lowest since World War II.
    0:40:24 And this is a huge global trend
    0:40:27 across especially countries that have a lot of money.
    0:40:27 It is.
    0:40:29 So I speak at a big conference called
    0:40:32 the Alliance for Responsible Citizenship,
    0:40:35 and they talk about a lot of these alarming,
    0:40:37 dropping birth rates.
    0:40:40 The truth is, though, that as countries become
    0:40:41 more developed,
    0:40:44 birth rates do decline to a certain degree.
    0:40:47 That has to do with economics, some of it.
    0:40:48 But there is a trend that’s happening
    0:40:51 that’s worse than this, which is people,
    0:40:53 it’s not that they’re having less children,
    0:40:58 which actually everybody has their own limits
    0:41:02 in terms of their capacity to give and to love.
    0:41:05 And so for some people, maybe one child is enough.
    0:41:07 For other people, five children isn’t enough,
    0:41:10 meaning they have so much inside of them to give.
    0:41:14 But the alarming thing for me
    0:41:17 isn’t the dropping birth rates due to economics.
    0:41:20 So maybe people aren’t having 10 children,
    0:41:21 like they used to.
    0:41:24 They’re having three children or two children, right?
    0:41:28 The alarming thing for me is that people
    0:41:29 are not having children.
    0:41:32 That’s more alarming to me,
    0:41:35 because that’s more a sign, not of a country developing,
    0:41:41 but of a country and a society, of a modern society,
    0:41:48 which does not see the value in raising children
    0:41:53 and having deep and loving relationships be a priority in your life.
    0:41:54 Those people would say,
    0:41:57 “I have deep and loving relationships with my partner,
    0:42:01 with my dog, with my uncle, auntie, friends, etc.”
    0:42:02 It’s different.
    0:42:03 And why is it different?
    0:42:04 It’s a good question.
    0:42:07 It’s different because in the end,
    0:42:10 your relationship with your partner or with your auntie
    0:42:14 or with your dog isn’t the same level of dependency.
    0:42:18 The ability to care for another human being,
    0:42:23 to allow another human being to be dependent on you,
    0:42:25 to devote to that human being,
    0:42:30 is a growing, transforming experience for human beings.
    0:42:31 One would say that,
    0:42:35 I’m not sure I completely buy this fully because,
    0:42:38 but Jordan Peterson, I think, has said,
    0:42:39 I think it was Jordan who said that,
    0:42:44 “You can’t fully become an adult if you don’t have a child.”
    0:42:46 Now, I’m not sure I would go that far
    0:42:48 because there are some people who can’t have children,
    0:42:51 but I do think that there is something
    0:42:55 in terms of developmentally on an adult development level
    0:42:58 that transforms you,
    0:43:01 that is meant to transform you
    0:43:03 in being generative and having children.
    0:43:05 Again, it’s not for everyone.
    0:43:11 And I do say this that I’m not part of the pro-natality movement
    0:43:12 where I say everybody should have children.
    0:43:15 I don’t think everybody should have children,
    0:43:18 but I do think that if you’re going to have children,
    0:43:24 then you need to look deeply at your own upbringing
    0:43:27 and your own losses and your own early traumas
    0:43:29 before you bring them into this world.
    0:43:33 So you can repair whatever it is you need to repair
    0:43:38 and not create what we call generational expression
    0:43:41 of things like attachment disorders and mental illness.
    0:43:44 Because a lot of people are struggling now to have kids,
    0:43:45 even those that want to.
    0:43:47 It’s looking at some stats,
    0:43:49 and there’s a global prevalence of infertility.
    0:43:52 Approximately 18% of adults worldwide,
    0:43:56 about 1 in 6, experience infertility at some point in their lives.
    0:43:59 Between 2015 and 2019,
    0:44:03 about roughly 15% of US women aged 15 to 49
    0:44:04 experienced impaired fertility.
    0:44:07 And in the UK, research indicates that 1 in 8 women
    0:44:10 listening to this now and 1 in 10 men aged 16 to 74
    0:44:12 have experienced infertility,
    0:44:15 which is defined as unsuccessfully attempting pregnancy
    0:44:16 for a year or longer.
    0:44:19 And I’ve spoken to a lot of people, actually,
    0:44:23 that have tried to have kids for years, two years.
    0:44:25 It’s very sad when people want children
    0:44:26 and they can’t have children.
    0:44:28 It is incredibly sad.
    0:44:30 When you think about what’s contributing to that,
    0:44:33 how do you diagnose that infertility challenge?
    0:44:34 There are a lot of theories.
    0:44:36 Some are environmental.
    0:44:39 Some are the fact that we’re delaying having children.
    0:44:42 We’re lying to women and to men.
    0:44:44 We’re telling them, “Freeze your eggs.”
    0:44:46 In fact, this is a little disturbing.
    0:44:47 I’ll tell you about this.
    0:44:52 That law firms now are paying for the freezing
    0:44:55 of their young female associates’ eggs.
    0:44:57 I find that disturbing.
    0:45:01 Saying, “Freeze your eggs.
    0:45:02 Work really hard for us.
    0:45:04 Yeah, you can have children later.”
    0:45:07 And the truth is, a lot of them can’t.
    0:45:12 Because when you freeze eggs, it’s not a guarantee of fertility.
    0:45:15 It’s not a guarantee that those eggs will turn into embryos.
    0:45:19 It’s not a guarantee that those embryos will turn into babies.
    0:45:20 So there’s the age piece.
    0:45:24 There is also, and there’s the environmental piece,
    0:45:28 there is also the stress piece, which we are not talking about.
    0:45:33 There’s a component to getting pregnant that is about stress.
    0:45:37 We have more stress on both men and women.
    0:45:41 It used to be that men died sooner because they had more stress.
    0:45:43 But now, I think it’s evened out the odds.
    0:45:46 I think women may die sooner because they have the stress
    0:45:48 of working and raising children for the most part.
    0:45:56 But the point is that the stress that young adults face
    0:45:57 because they’re trying to…
    0:46:00 We should talk about some of the other myths.
    0:46:01 What’s another myth?
    0:46:03 We’ll weave it through the stock.
    0:46:08 Another myth is you can do everything all at the same time
    0:46:09 and do it well.
    0:46:12 Myth, that’s a big myth.
    0:46:12 You can’t.
    0:46:18 You can’t have a fabulous career working full time
    0:46:23 and traveling and being fabulous and raise healthy children.
    0:46:25 The good news is life is long.
    0:46:28 You may live till 120 like Moses.
    0:46:31 And I think of your generation, you’re younger than me.
    0:46:35 But I think you probably will live well over 100.
    0:46:41 And so what that means is you have many, many, many, many, many, many years
    0:46:45 to have a fabulous career when your children don’t need you so much.
    0:46:52 But you have a very small window to create that emotional security
    0:46:54 for your children that will be the core of them.
    0:46:57 We talk a lot about your physical core and core training.
    0:46:59 This is your emotional core.
    0:47:03 This is the emotional core of human beings.
    0:47:07 Attachment security and a feeling of safety
    0:47:11 that you can rely on the people who you need most in the world
    0:47:13 to be there when you need them.
    0:47:15 That is your emotional core.
    0:47:19 How did you manage your mother of three?
    0:47:22 You’ve raised three very wonderful well-adjusted children.
    0:47:23 But you’re also successful.
    0:47:25 You have books.
    0:47:27 You’re traveling around the world, you said.
    0:47:29 So I’m a good example.
    0:47:40 I had a career when I was in my 20s and I met my husband when I was 27.
    0:47:44 And I got married when I was just shy of 30 or I was 30.
    0:47:49 And then we had children in our 30s.
    0:47:52 So before we had children, I was working.
    0:47:55 I was seeing something like 40 hours of patients a week.
    0:47:59 And I was working into the wee hours of the night.
    0:48:02 I would work to 11 o’clock at night, coming home exhausted.
    0:48:03 Then we had children.
    0:48:07 But it was an agreement that we had that when we had babies,
    0:48:12 I would take a good long period off and then really go back
    0:48:14 very, very, very minimally.
    0:48:19 And I had the kind of career by choice that I could have control over
    0:48:22 and it could be flexible and I could control it.
    0:48:26 And so I took six months off with each child.
    0:48:32 And then after six months, only went back to work an hour and a half a day,
    0:48:33 five days a week.
    0:48:36 So just that we had an agreement, my husband and I,
    0:48:40 which is it would be just enough to pay a mother’s helper, a nanny.
    0:48:44 And we did without in those years.
    0:48:45 We did without vacations.
    0:48:48 We did without second homes.
    0:48:50 We did without fancy clothes.
    0:48:55 We did without the other things that many of our peers were getting
    0:48:56 and traveling and doing.
    0:49:01 We said, what’s important to us is that we pare down, not expand now.
    0:49:03 This is we’re expanding as parents.
    0:49:05 So we want to pare down materially.
    0:49:09 Life is long and you can have a successful career.
    0:49:13 Some of the women that I interview for my book are women
    0:49:17 who didn’t even start their careers until they were in their 40s
    0:49:19 after they had children that were older.
    0:49:22 Could it have worked if your husband stayed home instead of you?
    0:49:25 In your view, because I’m trying to understand if you’re saying
    0:49:29 that dads don’t need to be as their present as much as the mother.
    0:49:32 They have to be there in a different way.
    0:49:36 In the early days, men don’t breastfeed.
    0:49:37 So that’s the first thing.
    0:49:42 Unless you can show me a man who has grown breasts and can actually breastfeed.
    0:49:43 Maybe it’s coming.
    0:49:43 I don’t know.
    0:49:49 But for now, women’s bodies connect them to their babies.
    0:49:51 They connect them through birth.
    0:49:53 They connect them through breastfeeding.
    0:50:00 There is a physical component and a hormonal component to infancy and motherhood.
    0:50:05 And there really is a difference in the way that mothers respond to babies
    0:50:07 and fathers respond to babies.
    0:50:10 Now, when the fathers become really important,
    0:50:15 it’s not that the father isn’t important to give the mother a break
    0:50:18 or to bond with the baby or to bathe the baby.
    0:50:22 But what that baby needs is that attachment security
    0:50:24 to that primary attachment figure.
    0:50:26 So the mother, usually the mother.
    0:50:28 Sometimes it’s the father, but usually the mother.
    0:50:32 Fathers, with their playful tactile stimulation,
    0:50:36 they become really important when children become mobile.
    0:50:44 When children start to crawl and toddle, when they’re around 18 months to two years old,
    0:50:47 fathers become incredibly exciting.
    0:50:49 And they’re really important.
    0:50:51 So when fathers aren’t around in those days,
    0:50:55 when children are starting to explore the world,
    0:50:58 those children have a harder time separating from mothers.
    0:51:01 So it’s really important to have what we said, the yin and the yang.
    0:51:09 What we are doing now is we are not prioritizing attachment security,
    0:51:12 which is the foundation for then healthy separation.
    0:51:16 And when healthy separation starts, fathers are critical.
    0:51:21 When you have another child, a second child, fathers are critical.
    0:51:23 Because fathers seduce the older child.
    0:51:25 They say, come on, let’s go out and play.
    0:51:27 Let’s go kick the soccer ball.
    0:51:28 Let’s go to the swing set.
    0:51:31 And they give a space to the mother with the next baby.
    0:51:34 They help the older children to grow up.
    0:51:36 Early on, you mentioned a study that I read about
    0:51:39 when I was studying psychology once upon a time,
    0:51:43 which is the rhesus monkey study with the wire mother.
    0:51:45 For anybody that’s never heard about that study,
    0:51:48 I think it’s quite important to understand the profound impact that touch and…
    0:51:52 Well, that was an attachment study.
    0:51:55 Yeah, what’s touch called in the science world?
    0:51:56 Skin to skin.
    0:51:57 Skin to skin.
    0:52:00 Can you give me an overview of that study and what it showed
    0:52:02 for people that aren’t aware of it?
    0:52:05 Well, they took these baby rhesus monkeys,
    0:52:08 and they let some be with the mothers.
    0:52:10 And the mothers nurtured those babies,
    0:52:14 and those babies became healthily attached and secure,
    0:52:17 and those were the emotionally healthy babies.
    0:52:22 Then they gave another subset of monkeys
    0:52:29 a wire mother covered with a piece of cloth or fur or something.
    0:52:32 And those babies became very neurotic,
    0:52:34 but at least they were clinging.
    0:52:37 They became like the ambivalent attachment babies
    0:52:38 because there was no response from the mother,
    0:52:41 but at least they were holding on to this mother.
    0:52:44 And then they gave, and these babies became very neurotic,
    0:52:47 and then they gave the subset of babies nothing.
    0:52:52 And those babies literally lost their minds.
    0:52:57 And I mean, there are other studies which are more recent than that.
    0:52:58 That’s quite an old study.
    0:53:01 There is a researcher named Michael Meany.
    0:53:03 He did a study on licking and grooming.
    0:53:06 Animals who lick and groom their young,
    0:53:08 meaning are nurturing skin to skin, lick and groom.
    0:53:13 In human terms, that would be holding, touching, loving, skin to skin.
    0:53:17 Those, if a mother licked and groomed her young,
    0:53:23 that baby would become more resilient to stress in the future.
    0:53:26 The babies who were not licked and groomed by their mothers
    0:53:30 became less resilient to stress in the future.
    0:53:34 In addition, the babies who were more resilient to stress,
    0:53:36 because their mothers had licked and groomed them,
    0:53:41 passed down generationally the ability to lick and groom the next generation.
    0:53:44 What happened to the babies who weren’t licked and groomed?
    0:53:45 Guess what happened?
    0:53:47 They didn’t pass it down.
    0:53:48 Right.
    0:53:51 And that’s what’s happening to humans today.
    0:53:54 If we don’t lick and groom our babies,
    0:53:59 I mean, take it for whatever, if we don’t lick and groom our babies,
    0:54:04 we don’t pass on resilience to stress and adversity,
    0:54:08 but we also don’t pass on the desire to lick and groom your babies.
    0:54:12 Your story, going back to your story, which we’re talking about,
    0:54:15 are there any areas of privilege that you need to acknowledge
    0:54:16 that someone else listening to this now goes,
    0:54:18 “Yeah, but that’s all right for you.”
    0:54:22 Because maybe someone who didn’t have a partner there,
    0:54:29 or someone who is in a difficult economic situation,
    0:54:31 extremely difficult economic situation,
    0:54:35 living in the projects in Harlem or something.
    0:54:37 I really want to, I’m saying this because…
    0:54:40 Well, it’s not the mothers in the projects in Harlem,
    0:54:42 because I’ll tell you, the mothers in the projects in Harlem
    0:54:45 stay home with their babies.
    0:54:46 That’s what’s interesting.
    0:54:48 Very poor people in America.
    0:54:52 So let me just say, I love America, America sucks.
    0:54:55 And I’ll tell you why America sucks from my perspective.
    0:54:56 And I say this internationally.
    0:54:59 I go around the world saying America sucks,
    0:55:00 and I’m going to tell you why.
    0:55:04 We are the only country in the world,
    0:55:05 other than Papua New Guinea,
    0:55:08 who does not have a paid parental maternity leave.
    0:55:11 We do not have paid maternity leave.
    0:55:13 Nobody cares about children.
    0:55:17 They care about the GDP and the bottom line,
    0:55:19 and the people who are out there talking about this stuff
    0:55:23 are economists saying women have to work, work, work
    0:55:23 for the economy.
    0:55:25 Nobody cares about children,
    0:55:27 because if we cared about children,
    0:55:32 our tax money would be in paid leave,
    0:55:35 not for three months, not for six months,
    0:55:36 for at least a year.
    0:55:38 In Hungary, they have three years.
    0:55:42 Slovenia, Slovakia, Estonia has three years.
    0:55:45 Hungary, I think, has two years of paid leave.
    0:55:47 Sweden, I have some issues with Sweden,
    0:55:49 but Sweden has 14 months.
    0:55:51 Sweden, after 14 months,
    0:55:53 makes women go back to work full, full, full time
    0:55:54 and put them in institutional care,
    0:55:56 and all those babies are breaking down.
    0:55:59 So 14 months isn’t even enough.
    0:56:02 So, but if we could even get to a civilized place
    0:56:05 of one year of paid leave in this country,
    0:56:08 and then the next two years,
    0:56:12 some way that parents could be complimented,
    0:56:14 so they could work part-time, supplemented,
    0:56:15 so they could work part-time.
    0:56:20 You know, I’m a reasonable, realistic person.
    0:56:21 I know this country is never going to go
    0:56:23 for three years of paid leave,
    0:56:24 even though I would love them to.
    0:56:27 I also know that this country isn’t going to go
    0:56:30 for an entitlement called paid leave,
    0:56:31 because that’s the kind of country we are.
    0:56:32 We talk a big game,
    0:56:34 but we don’t want to put our money where our mouth is.
    0:56:36 There is the possibility,
    0:56:38 now that the Republicans are in,
    0:56:41 of a creative solution,
    0:56:46 which is potentially using things like social security
    0:56:48 in advance,
    0:56:50 borrowing from your social security.
    0:56:50 So I’m a mom,
    0:56:55 and I say, “Ah, to stay home,
    0:56:58 I can borrow from my social security for a year,
    0:57:04 and then work a year or two longer in my life.”
    0:57:06 Wouldn’t you say that most women
    0:57:08 who wanted to stay home with their babies would say,
    0:57:10 “I’ll work longer so I can stay home with my baby.”
    0:57:13 There are ways to creatively deal with it.
    0:57:15 From my perspective,
    0:57:16 this is what’s going on.
    0:57:18 People on the left will not compromise.
    0:57:22 They’ll only do an entitlement called paid leave,
    0:57:25 but they only are asking for it for three to six months.
    0:57:27 After that, they want women back in the workforce
    0:57:29 and institutional daycare.
    0:57:30 So I’m not on the left.
    0:57:34 People on the right talk a lot about family.
    0:57:36 They’re the party of the family now,
    0:57:39 but they do not want tax dollars to go into paid leave.
    0:57:41 They don’t like the entitlements that already exist,
    0:57:43 and they don’t want to add anymore.
    0:57:45 And so the only way they’re going to give it to women
    0:57:49 and men is if they put skin in the game.
    0:57:52 This is the country we live in.
    0:57:53 Again, I’m a realist.
    0:57:58 I think in any way that we can give families
    0:58:01 the choice to care for their own children,
    0:58:03 particularly in the early years,
    0:58:07 we will create a population of healthier children.
    0:58:11 How do we know that more paid leave equals better children,
    0:58:13 less strain on the healthcare system
    0:58:15 in terms of mental health, mortality, whatever it might be,
    0:58:18 how do you make a statistical or a science or research-backed
    0:58:22 case that if we had three years of paid leave
    0:58:25 in the United States or in the UK or Australia or Canada
    0:58:28 or wherever, that it would be a net positive for society
    0:58:30 outside of it just being an opinion?
    0:58:34 Well, the research shows the longitudinal
    0:58:36 attachment research shows that children
    0:58:39 who are insecurely attached at 12 months of age,
    0:58:42 20 years later are insecurely,
    0:58:45 80% of them are insecurely attached
    0:58:46 and suffer from mental disorders.
    0:58:50 That’s what the longitudinal attachment research says.
    0:58:56 So we now have decades of basically children
    0:58:58 were followed from when they were infants.
    0:59:00 And the ones who were securely attached,
    0:59:03 20 years later are still securely attached and doing great.
    0:59:05 And the ones who were insecurely attached,
    0:59:07 most still insecurely attached.
    0:59:11 And it’s tied and correlated to all of these mental illness
    0:59:11 conditions.
    0:59:14 So there’s a lot of research to show
    0:59:17 what attachment security does for children in the long run.
    0:59:21 So you’re asking a question about,
    0:59:25 I mean, I suppose you could take your paid leave
    0:59:29 and go play soccer in the park and go play tennis.
    0:59:31 And I don’t know, like play cards with your friends.
    0:59:34 I mean, how can I say how people are going to use
    0:59:35 their paid leave?
    0:59:37 But if your paid leave is being used to be home
    0:59:40 with your child, then it’s going to benefit your child.
    0:59:43 So many of the guests that I speak to on this podcast,
    0:59:46 especially those that become incredibly successful,
    0:59:49 athletes, entrepreneurs, whoever,
    0:59:53 they often have some form of neglect in their past.
    0:59:56 Richard Williams, Serena and Venus Williams’ father,
    1:00:00 he was very intense with them from a very young age.
    1:00:02 And he’s raised two of the greatest tennis players in history.
    1:00:06 Joe Jackson was strict and often controversial with Michael,
    1:00:07 who went on to become the King of Pop.
    1:00:09 Earl Woods, who was Tiger Woods’ father,
    1:00:13 was very intense in his coaching and mentoring style,
    1:00:15 which led him to become great.
    1:00:17 And obviously, Beyoncé is the other example I gave,
    1:00:20 who Matthew managed, Matthew, which is Matthew and Tina,
    1:00:22 who were parents to Beyoncé,
    1:00:25 managed Destiny’s Child and Beyoncé’s solo career,
    1:00:27 meticulously shaping them into a global superstar.
    1:00:32 So parents think, you know, I want to raise kids that are superstars.
    1:00:34 I want my kids to be great.
    1:00:36 Okay, so I’m going to say right now,
    1:00:38 I don’t recommend that as a professional.
    1:00:39 Okay.
    1:00:41 I’m just saying.
    1:00:43 So I can’t comment on a lot of those people,
    1:00:45 because I could get in a lot of trouble
    1:00:46 for commenting on a lot of those people.
    1:00:49 But I will say that amongst those people,
    1:00:52 there is controversy,
    1:00:56 meaning at least one of those parents,
    1:00:59 and I don’t know the history of the others, was abusive.
    1:01:04 And so you could say that narcissism is abusive to children.
    1:01:09 When we project our needs and desires and likes,
    1:01:12 and who we are onto our children,
    1:01:15 we’re not letting them authentically be themselves.
    1:01:17 The greatest gift you can give your child
    1:01:21 is to see your child as an authentic individual
    1:01:25 who is an individual and themselves,
    1:01:27 and not to see them as a mini-me.
    1:01:32 When you start architecting their life,
    1:01:36 there’s a good chance you’re going to lose that child emotionally
    1:01:36 at some point.
    1:01:37 They’re either going to hate you.
    1:01:41 They may be successful in their careers.
    1:01:44 They may have terrible personal lives.
    1:01:47 They may be narcissistic parents themselves.
    1:01:51 So I don’t recommend that school of thought.
    1:01:54 What I do recommend is if your child shows promise
    1:01:59 in something that they also seem to love
    1:02:01 and have a drive to be good at,
    1:02:03 then you can support that drive.
    1:02:07 Just make sure to keep yourself in check along the way
    1:02:11 to make sure that they are driving it, not you.
    1:02:12 ADHD.
    1:02:13 Yeah, okay.
    1:02:16 I don’t feel like I don’t even have to ask a question here,
    1:02:18 but just to set the stage,
    1:02:20 the reason why I’m so compelled by this is just this,
    1:02:25 I have to say it, the shocking rise in diagnosis
    1:02:29 and prescriptions over the last 10 years.
    1:02:34 Between 2000 and 2018, ADHD diagnoses in the UK
    1:02:36 rose approximately 20-fold.
    1:02:36 Yes.
    1:02:40 Among boys aged 10 to 16 diagnosis increased from 1%
    1:02:43 roughly to about 3.5% in 2018.
    1:02:46 And in men aged 18 to 29,
    1:02:50 there was a nearly 50-fold increase in ADHD prescriptions
    1:02:51 during the same period.
    1:02:53 And the same applies to the United States,
    1:02:56 where an estimated 15.5 million adults in the US
    1:02:58 have been diagnosed with ADHD,
    1:03:01 approximately one in nine US children
    1:03:03 have been diagnosed with ADHD at some point
    1:03:06 with 10.5% having a current diagnosis.
    1:03:09 I don’t know where ADHD was,
    1:03:11 but the conversation around it, the prescriptions,
    1:03:14 the diagnosis seemed to have really surged into culture
    1:03:15 in a really, really big way.
    1:03:17 What’s going on?
    1:03:19 So ADHD was one of the factors
    1:03:21 that drove me to write being there,
    1:03:25 because I was seeing this huge uptick in ADHD diagnosis
    1:03:28 and children being medicated so, so early.
    1:03:31 Do you know what the fight-or-flight reaction is?
    1:03:35 That’s when the sympathetic nervous system
    1:03:38 starts to kick into action.
    1:03:39 Yes.
    1:03:42 So well, it’s basically our evolutionary response
    1:03:44 to a predatory threat.
    1:03:48 So if a sable-toothed tiger was chasing you,
    1:03:52 you either stood and fought, fight,
    1:03:56 or you ran for your life, flight.
    1:04:00 So when our children are under stress,
    1:04:04 they go into fight-or-flight.
    1:04:09 So one of the first signs that a child is under stress
    1:04:11 that they cannot manage
    1:04:14 is when they become aggressive in school.
    1:04:17 They hit, they bite, they throw chairs.
    1:04:20 They have trouble, you know,
    1:04:26 socially in daycare or preschool or even in school.
    1:04:30 Or they become distracted,
    1:04:32 which is the flight part of fight-or-flight.
    1:04:36 So what’s happening is their nervous systems,
    1:04:38 the stress-regulating part of their brain,
    1:04:40 is getting turned on.
    1:04:43 So we say that the stress-regulating part of their brain
    1:04:46 has to do with a little almond-shaped part of the brain
    1:04:47 called the amygdala.
    1:04:48 It’s a very primitive part of the brain,
    1:04:49 very old part of the brain.
    1:04:53 And it regulates stress throughout our lives.
    1:04:54 It helps us to manage it.
    1:04:57 What we know is that part of the brain
    1:04:59 is supposed to remain offline
    1:05:02 for the first year to three years,
    1:05:05 which is why mothers wear babies on their bodies.
    1:05:08 It’s why babies stay close to their mothers
    1:05:09 in the first three years.
    1:05:12 To keep the amygdala quiet
    1:05:16 and only incrementally, incrementally exposed children
    1:05:19 to stress and frustration that they can manage.
    1:05:22 So imagine taking small bites of it
    1:05:23 so you can digest it, right?
    1:05:27 And your mother’s there to help you digest the stress.
    1:05:31 What we’re doing now by separating mothers and babies,
    1:05:34 by putting babies into daycare with strangers,
    1:05:37 is by sleep training babies,
    1:05:40 all these weird things that we’re doing to babies
    1:05:42 is we’re turning the amygdala on.
    1:05:48 We’re making it active precociously too early.
    1:05:51 What happens when the amygdala is activated too early
    1:05:54 is it becomes very active and very large very quickly.
    1:06:00 The problem is then it shrivels up and burns out also,
    1:06:05 because it cannot manage that kind of stress so early.
    1:06:07 When it ceases to be functional,
    1:06:10 it ceases to be functional for a lifetime.
    1:06:14 And so it’s very important to protect,
    1:06:16 you know, what’s the expression?
    1:06:19 The family jewels, these are the family jewels
    1:06:20 in the brain of a baby.
    1:06:23 This is the jewel, the amygdala.
    1:06:26 You want to keep the stress to an absolute minimum
    1:06:29 in the first year, which is why sleep training is dangerous.
    1:06:32 It’s why letting babies cry it out.
    1:06:34 It’s why putting babies into daycare.
    1:06:36 It’s why leaving babies for hours on end
    1:06:41 when they’re so, so very fragile is so bad for their brains.
    1:06:43 Because it gets the cortisol flowing,
    1:06:45 which is the stress hormone,
    1:06:47 but it makes this part of the brain very active,
    1:06:49 so it grows, grows, grows, and then pfft,
    1:06:53 and ceases to be functional in the future.
    1:06:55 Like a PTSD response.
    1:06:59 So what we know is that these children
    1:07:02 are in hyper-vigilant states of stress.
    1:07:03 ADHD children.
    1:07:07 ADHD children, hyper-vigilant states of stress.
    1:07:12 If you stay in a hyper-vigilant state of stress long enough,
    1:07:15 you go into a hypo-vigilant state of stress,
    1:07:17 which then causes depression.
    1:07:22 So what we have now are not disorders.
    1:07:27 So there was a whole movement to take the D off of ADHD,
    1:07:29 because it’s not a disorder.
    1:07:32 It is a stress response.
    1:07:34 And instead of asking the right questions,
    1:07:37 which are, okay, what’s causing the stress?
    1:07:39 How do we make sure that our children
    1:07:41 are not exposed to this kind of stress,
    1:07:43 because they’re going into fight or flight?
    1:07:46 So the nervous system, as you said,
    1:07:49 the brain has an on switch and an off switch.
    1:07:51 The on switch to stress is the amygdala,
    1:07:53 the hippocampus is the off switch.
    1:07:57 And you’d say the stress response is,
    1:08:00 in a negative feedback loop, it’s actually important.
    1:08:03 Like in other words, if a sable tooth tiger is chasing you,
    1:08:05 they’re important that you can activate,
    1:08:06 right, and run or fight.
    1:08:10 So the stress response is supposed to be short term.
    1:08:12 It’s supposed to be not,
    1:08:14 it’s supposed to be acute rather than chronic.
    1:08:17 So we can kind of manifest it.
    1:08:20 We can activate it.
    1:08:22 But then it’s supposed to be turned off
    1:08:24 by the turnoff switch, the hippocampus.
    1:08:26 What we’re seeing in children’s brains
    1:08:29 is that the amygdala is growing
    1:08:31 very precociously large,
    1:08:33 and the hippocampus, which is the off switch,
    1:08:35 is very small.
    1:08:37 So we have this problem.
    1:08:39 As we say, Houston, we have a problem.
    1:08:41 We have an on switch going full speed,
    1:08:44 gas, no brakes, and no off switch.
    1:08:49 And that’s causing ADHD, behavioral problems
    1:08:53 that are hugely rising in children in school,
    1:08:55 a lot of aggression and violence.
    1:08:57 And so that’s what’s happening.
    1:08:58 This is a stress response.
    1:09:01 And again, instead of asking the right questions,
    1:09:03 like where is this coming from?
    1:09:04 What’s causing the stress?
    1:09:07 Instead, we silence the children’s pain.
    1:09:10 We tell parents we’ll medicate it
    1:09:12 and we’ll just relieve the symptoms.
    1:09:14 For me, that’s malpractice.
    1:09:18 The way we treat ADHD is malpractice.
    1:09:22 A child develops, goes into fight or flight
    1:09:23 when they are under stress.
    1:09:26 It could be psychosocial stressors at home,
    1:09:27 in the family.
    1:09:28 It could be at school.
    1:09:30 It could be with their friends.
    1:09:32 It could be a learning disability.
    1:09:34 There’s so many things that can cause kids stress.
    1:09:36 So instead of medicating them,
    1:09:38 why don’t we figure out
    1:09:40 what’s happening to that child deeply
    1:09:43 that’s causing them to go into fight or flight?
    1:09:45 Isn’t that point of view,
    1:09:46 I’ve got two questions here.
    1:09:48 The first is, how do you know that it’s stress?
    1:09:50 And the second is, if it is stress,
    1:09:54 then the problem, or at least the inconvenient truth
    1:09:59 that then creates is that the parent is responsible.
    1:10:01 Yes, that’s the, there’s the inconvenient truth.
    1:10:02 For their child’s ADHD.
    1:10:03 Yes, yes.
    1:10:05 That’s the inconvenient truth.
    1:10:07 It’s not so simple.
    1:10:10 Sometimes it’s the families.
    1:10:11 Usually it’s the family,
    1:10:12 particularly with small children.
    1:10:14 But when children get to school,
    1:10:16 it could be social.
    1:10:17 As I said, you know,
    1:10:19 you can’t control whether your children
    1:10:22 are exposed to social issues or bullying
    1:10:25 or there’s many things that can cause stress in children.
    1:10:26 But when they’re very little,
    1:10:28 you are their environment.
    1:10:30 So the inconvenient truth is that
    1:10:33 when your child gets an ADHD diagnosis,
    1:10:34 the first thing you should do
    1:10:35 is go to a therapist
    1:10:37 who will do parent guidance with you.
    1:10:41 Don’t rush that child to a psychiatrist
    1:10:42 to medicate them.
    1:10:44 You go with your partner or spouse
    1:10:47 and talk to a parent guidance expert
    1:10:50 about what could be causing this child
    1:10:52 to feel such stress.
    1:10:54 And look at the psychosocial stressors.
    1:10:56 Look at the influences and the dynamics
    1:10:59 in this child’s life that would be causing them
    1:11:02 to go into a state of stress like this.
    1:11:03 Give me some examples of the type of stresses
    1:11:06 the everyday stresses that we’re now exposing children to
    1:11:09 that are leading to ADHD in your opinion.
    1:11:11 Well, again, let’s start at home.
    1:11:14 At home, the stresses might be that they were
    1:11:19 handed over to a daycare center at an early age,
    1:11:22 which turned that amygdala response on,
    1:11:24 which turned the stress regulating part
    1:11:26 of their brain on too early.
    1:11:29 Now you have that hypervigilant reaction
    1:11:31 and they can’t turn it off, right?
    1:11:36 It could be a divorce situation, 50% of couples divorce,
    1:11:39 which means that divorce is an adversity.
    1:11:40 You know, I have a book coming out in a year
    1:11:43 about how to divorce and mitigate
    1:11:44 the impact of the divorce on the child,
    1:11:47 but no matter what, a divorce is an adversity on a child
    1:11:53 and a stress when parents fight dramatically in the home.
    1:11:57 If there’s tremendous sibling rivalry issues in the home,
    1:12:00 if there’s the birth of another child, it’s stressful, right?
    1:12:02 If you have a sibling, believe it or not,
    1:12:04 that’s a very stressful thing.
    1:12:07 If parents are sensitive about that, then it can be mitigated.
    1:12:10 But if parents are insensitive about the birth of a second child
    1:12:13 and the feelings that your first child may have,
    1:12:14 that can cause stress.
    1:12:16 Moving can cause stress.
    1:12:19 Illness or mental illness in a parent can cause stress.
    1:12:22 Alcoholism, any kind of addiction can cause stress.
    1:12:25 A grandparent or uncle or aunt or even a parent
    1:12:27 getting sick and dying can cause stress.
    1:12:31 I mean, there are so many things that can cause stress,
    1:12:35 but the point is that stress can be regulated,
    1:12:39 but it can only be regulated if parents are introspective
    1:12:43 and self-aware and willing to look at their part in it.
    1:12:46 If parents hand a child over to a psychiatrist
    1:12:48 and say, “Fix my child.”
    1:12:52 Of course, psychiatrists will cooperate with you
    1:12:54 and silence your child’s pain,
    1:12:56 but is that really what you want to be doing?
    1:13:01 Because in the end, you’re just putting your finger in a dike,
    1:13:02 you’re putting your finger in a dam,
    1:13:05 and eventually that dam is going to burst.
    1:13:08 What do you say to some of the evidence around
    1:13:12 there being a link to a hereditary component in twin studies?
    1:13:15 They found that ADHD is about 74 to 80% heritable,
    1:13:18 making one of the most genetically influenced psychiatric conditions.
    1:13:20 Let me tell you a different study
    1:13:22 that will help you to understand that study,
    1:13:28 which is that we know that there is no genetic precursor to mental illness.
    1:13:31 There is no genetic precursor to ADHD.
    1:13:34 There is no genetic precursor to depression
    1:13:37 and no genetic precursor to anxiety.
    1:13:38 What do you mean by precursor?
    1:13:40 Meaning there’s no genetic connection.
    1:13:42 You don’t get it in your genes.
    1:13:44 If your father or your mother were depressed,
    1:13:46 you get it by something called the inheritance
    1:13:48 of acquired characteristics.
    1:13:50 If you’re raised by a depressed parent,
    1:13:53 you’re more likely to become depressed.
    1:13:54 It’s the nature nurture argument.
    1:13:56 Okay, but what they did find.
    1:14:01 Now, schizophrenia has a genetic connection by polar disorder.
    1:14:04 Those have genetic, but the rest do not.
    1:14:06 Anxiety, depression, ADHD, no genetics.
    1:14:11 What they did find is a genetic tie
    1:14:13 to something called the sensitivity gene.
    1:14:17 It’s a short allele on the serotonin receptor,
    1:14:23 and serotonin, as we know, is used to regulate happy emotions,
    1:14:25 to regulate emotions, right?
    1:14:27 So when you have a short allele,
    1:14:31 it means that you have a harder time picking up the serotonin,
    1:14:36 but it also means that you are more sensitive to stress.
    1:14:40 Now, those children who are born with this gene,
    1:14:43 this short allele on the serotonin receptor gene,
    1:14:48 they are more prone to mental illness later on
    1:14:50 because of that sensitivity to stress.
    1:14:55 What the study shows is if those children
    1:14:58 who are born with that gene for sensitivity
    1:15:03 are provided with emotionally and physically present
    1:15:06 attachment security in the first year,
    1:15:10 it neutralizes the expression of that gene.
    1:15:12 So epigenetics means that we’re born with genes,
    1:15:15 like you might have a gene for rheumatoid arthritis,
    1:15:16 or you might have a gene for cancer,
    1:15:18 but it never gets expressed.
    1:15:19 Well, we all have genes for something,
    1:15:22 but they don’t necessarily get expressed.
    1:15:23 That’s what epigenetics is.
    1:15:26 It means the environment has to turn on the gene to make it,
    1:15:28 let’s rock and roll, right?
    1:15:33 What it showed in this study is that the children
    1:15:35 who were born with this genetic precursor,
    1:15:37 the sensitivity to stress,
    1:15:40 if they had sensitive, empathic, nurturing,
    1:15:42 and present parents in the first year,
    1:15:45 it neutralized the expression of that gene.
    1:15:49 So those children could be as healthy
    1:15:50 as children born without that gene.
    1:15:55 If, however, children born with that sensitivity gene
    1:15:58 were neglected, abandoned,
    1:16:01 not provided with sensitive, empathic, present nurturing,
    1:16:03 it exacerbated that gene.
    1:16:06 So we know that that sensitivity gene is tied
    1:16:09 and correlated to mental illness later on,
    1:16:14 unless the sensitive, empathic, nurturing mitigates that gene.
    1:16:17 And what do you say to people that point to MRI scans?
    1:16:24 FMRIs, and yeah, there’s all kinds of neurological tests now
    1:16:27 where we can see the brain in action.
    1:16:28 So it’s not a static thing.
    1:16:31 We can actually see the blood flow to the brain.
    1:16:34 We can see the electrical activity in the brain.
    1:16:36 It’s amazing, actually.
    1:16:37 But some people say that this proves
    1:16:39 that it’s the way your brain is.
    1:16:41 And lots of my friends that have ADHD,
    1:16:43 when they talk about their ADHD or the way that they are,
    1:16:45 they say, “My brain works like this.”
    1:16:48 No, it’s not correct.
    1:16:50 Their brain is sensitive to stress.
    1:16:55 Someone with ADHD is more sensitive to stress.
    1:16:57 So you could ask them questions like this.
    1:17:01 You could say, “Are you a more sensitive person?
    1:17:04 Are you more sensitive to noise, to smells,
    1:17:06 to touch when you were a child?
    1:17:07 Did you not like itchy things?
    1:17:09 Did you cry more?
    1:17:10 Were you more sensitive
    1:17:11 when your parents would go out for the night?
    1:17:12 Were you more sensitive
    1:17:13 when your mom would go to work?
    1:17:14 Or were you more sensitive
    1:17:16 when you were left at nursery school?”
    1:17:19 And they’re probably going to say yes.
    1:17:22 But if they say no and they still have an ADHD diagnosis.
    1:17:24 I would guarantee, almost guarantee,
    1:17:25 they wouldn’t say no.
    1:17:29 Because people with ADHD are people who are sensitive.
    1:17:33 Sensitivity is an amazing strength
    1:17:36 if it’s met with sensitivity.
    1:17:38 If you have a sensitive child,
    1:17:39 so what does a sensitive child look like?
    1:17:42 If you have multiple children,
    1:17:44 then you know,
    1:17:45 because the first thing I’ll do
    1:17:46 when I give a public talk is I’ll say,
    1:17:47 okay, everybody here,
    1:17:49 who has a sensitive child?
    1:17:51 And I describe, okay, sensitive child is a child
    1:17:54 who cries more, is harder to soothe,
    1:17:59 is more clingy, doesn’t like you leaving them,
    1:18:02 is harder, has a harder time separating,
    1:18:04 has a harder time going to sleep
    1:18:05 and being left to sleep on their own,
    1:18:09 is sensitive to things like noise and smells
    1:18:10 and touch and…
    1:18:14 If you grew up in an environment that was stressful,
    1:18:15 and again, you’ve identified that stress
    1:18:16 can come in many forms.
    1:18:17 It could be arguing parents,
    1:18:19 it could be a neighbor or whatever,
    1:18:21 some environmental factor that caused that stress.
    1:18:23 You were sensitive, you developed ADHD,
    1:18:25 you become an adult,
    1:18:28 you get diagnosed at 30 years old as having ADHD.
    1:18:31 You’re offered medication, you take the medication,
    1:18:33 the medication makes you much more functional
    1:18:35 in your career, in your relationships, in your life.
    1:18:38 It’s a stimulant.
    1:18:42 And so what stimulants do is they can cause great anxiety,
    1:18:45 they can cause panic attacks in adolescence,
    1:18:48 they can cause growth issues.
    1:18:51 So I have patients who come to me,
    1:18:53 young men who didn’t grow,
    1:18:56 because they were put on stimulants when they were young.
    1:19:02 So in terms of the consequences of using stimulants,
    1:19:03 the jury is still out,
    1:19:05 but we know that they cause growth issues,
    1:19:06 they cause panic attacks,
    1:19:08 they cause anxiety disorders,
    1:19:09 they cause depression.
    1:19:11 They’re quite life-saving,
    1:19:12 they’re quite life-saving for some people
    1:19:13 in terms of having a-
    1:19:15 They can be, they can be.
    1:19:20 So what I would say is if you have tried everything
    1:19:22 to uncover what the stress is
    1:19:24 that’s causing you to react this way,
    1:19:27 and you still are feeling that way,
    1:19:29 then sometimes medication can be a lifesaver.
    1:19:32 The problem is that we turn to medication
    1:19:36 in adolescents and children and young adults,
    1:19:38 we turn to it as a performance drug,
    1:19:42 because there’s so much stress in modern life
    1:19:45 and there’s such a need for people to perform
    1:19:47 and be successful in their careers
    1:19:49 and in school and get good grades.
    1:19:51 There’s so much pressure on kids.
    1:19:56 So I’m 60 and we didn’t have this kind of pressure growing up.
    1:20:01 And so the generations that follow have so much pressure.
    1:20:06 That pressure makes children literally go off the rails.
    1:20:08 We could talk about the academic pressure,
    1:20:12 the competitiveness, the perfectionism.
    1:20:17 So ADHD is a bucket.
    1:20:19 It’s a bucket which you throw people in
    1:20:23 who have anxiety that has never been treated.
    1:20:25 And so, and there’s different ways
    1:20:27 of thinking about treatment too.
    1:20:30 So we’re a society that likes superficial quick fixes.
    1:20:33 We like drugs, we like CBT therapy.
    1:20:37 The truth is that this is not a quick fix.
    1:20:41 Figuring out relationally, dynamically,
    1:20:43 what happened to you as a child,
    1:20:46 what your losses were, what your traumas were,
    1:20:50 what caused you to feel so anxious,
    1:20:54 what’s caused you to go into fight or flight is hard work.
    1:20:56 It requires frustration.
    1:20:58 It requires commitment.
    1:21:01 It requires going to someone who can think very deeply with you.
    1:21:06 You know, I want to define what anxiety is
    1:21:08 because I think it’s really important
    1:21:12 because we rarely define depression and anxiety.
    1:21:17 Depression is preoccupation with past losses.
    1:21:25 Anxiety is preoccupation with future losses that may never occur.
    1:21:28 What do they have in common?
    1:21:30 It’s all about losses.
    1:21:31 All about loss.
    1:21:35 And you could say the generations now
    1:21:38 are very preoccupied with loss.
    1:21:43 Loss of status, achievement,
    1:21:47 but because we’re also very preoccupied with gain.
    1:21:52 Well, we’re preoccupied with what I say the,
    1:21:54 you know, I don’t want to judge,
    1:21:56 but I want to say the unimportant things in life.
    1:21:58 What are the important things in life?
    1:22:05 Relationships, love, connection, health, right?
    1:22:07 You would say objectively, family.
    1:22:09 These are the important things in life.
    1:22:15 But we’ve become very preoccupied with material success, money,
    1:22:19 career achievement, fame.
    1:22:23 I think there was a study that interviewed teenagers
    1:22:28 and it was really discouraging because they said
    1:22:31 that the thing they wanted more in life than anything
    1:22:33 was to be famous.
    1:22:35 And so we’re preoccupied with the wrong things.
    1:22:38 On this point of stress and the link with ADHD,
    1:22:41 looking at some research from the
    1:22:46 injury.com research education group.
    1:22:47 It says that children with an ACE score,
    1:22:50 which is the trauma-based score,
    1:22:52 where I think it goes up to 10 different sort of questions,
    1:22:54 with an ACE score of four or more.
    1:22:57 So four experiences of trauma or more have nearly four times,
    1:23:03 which is 400% more chance of having parent-reported ADHD
    1:23:04 compared to children with no ACEs.
    1:23:07 And some of the factors that have big impact
    1:23:10 is socioeconomic hardship increases your probability
    1:23:15 of having ADHD by 40%, parental divorce by 35%,
    1:23:18 familial mental illness or a parent having a mental illness
    1:23:21 increases it up to almost 60%, 55%, I believe,
    1:23:24 and neighborhood violence almost 50%, familial incarceration.
    1:23:27 So if a parent goes to prison,
    1:23:29 then that increases your probability of ADHD
    1:23:31 by about 40% as well.
    1:23:35 And that’s published by the, I think it’s the New England.
    1:23:36 Yeah.
    1:23:38 What is, or the National Library of Medicine,
    1:23:39 National Center of Biological Information.
    1:23:41 Yeah, so remember what I said,
    1:23:44 that you can’t control everything that happens to your child.
    1:23:47 Divorces do happen and adversities happen to children.
    1:23:50 Health issues happen to children.
    1:23:55 What you can control is you can control the first three years
    1:23:58 and be as present as possible for your child.
    1:24:01 So if my kids start screaming in a supermarket,
    1:24:06 one of the prevailing pieces of advice says just walk off
    1:24:09 or start screaming yourself as the parent to show them.
    1:24:11 Do, am I supposed to just ignore my child
    1:24:13 when it’s screaming and throwing a tantrum?
    1:24:16 Am I meant to drop what I’m doing and go and cater to them?
    1:24:17 What am I meant to do in these situations?
    1:24:19 You’re going to have me on speed dial, Stephen.
    1:24:21 You be careful, because if you make a promise like that,
    1:24:24 I promise, I promise, I’ll be on speed dial.
    1:24:27 You only want to drop your career and focus on raising my children.
    1:24:28 No, you can, no, but you can call me.
    1:24:30 I’ve got this on a video.
    1:24:31 That’s legally binding.
    1:24:32 No, you can have me on speed dial.
    1:24:33 How much?
    1:24:35 Yeah, you can, as much as you want.
    1:24:38 So the deal is, you don’t yell at your children.
    1:24:41 An emotionally regulated parent,
    1:24:43 a healthy parent produces a healthy child.
    1:24:45 So what is a healthy parent?
    1:24:48 A healthy parent is a parent who feels good about themselves,
    1:24:51 who has authentically good self-esteem,
    1:24:54 not grandiosity, but really feels good about themselves,
    1:24:56 knows their strengths and limitations,
    1:24:59 and overall, as a whole person, feels good about themselves.
    1:25:03 They have the capacity to regulate their emotions,
    1:25:06 to keep their emotions from going too high and too low.
    1:25:08 Remember, sailing in the Caribbean,
    1:25:10 meaning they can stay calm in a storm,
    1:25:14 is sensitive and empathic as a nurture.
    1:25:18 These are signs of health in a parent.
    1:25:22 So if my kid says, “I want that pack of sweets,”
    1:25:25 and I go, “You can’t have that pack of sweets.”
    1:25:27 Well, first you have to, so before you discipline,
    1:25:30 you always want to be empathic first.
    1:25:33 So I always say that if you are going to discipline a child,
    1:25:37 first you have to recognize how they feel.
    1:25:41 I mean, recognizing how children feel is important anyway,
    1:25:44 meaning when you recognize a child’s feelings,
    1:25:46 if they’re sad, you mirror their sadness.
    1:25:49 If they’re angry, you say, “I can see you’re angry.”
    1:25:51 If they’re happy, you look happy with them.
    1:25:56 That kind of reflection is the way that your child knows
    1:26:01 that you acknowledge them, that they’re a person to you,
    1:26:03 that they’re a separate person to you.
    1:26:05 It’s how they feel valuable.
    1:26:07 So when you acknowledge their feelings,
    1:26:11 that’s the first critical, you’d say, parenting 101.
    1:26:13 Acknowledge your child’s feelings.
    1:26:16 So I would turn to my child and say, “You want sweets or you’re hungry?”
    1:26:19 Yeah, you can say, “I can see that you really want that pack of sweets.
    1:26:22 I can see how hard it is because you really want it,
    1:26:24 but you know you can’t have it before dinner.
    1:26:25 You know that’s the rule.”
    1:26:27 And then they start screaming and crying.
    1:26:29 And then they start screaming and you say,
    1:26:31 “You broken record is a communication style,”
    1:26:35 where you say, “Oh, I can see it’s really hard for you,
    1:26:37 but you still can’t have the sweets.”
    1:26:41 And you stay with them and you keep empathizing
    1:26:44 and then setting structure, empathizing structure, empathizing structure.
    1:26:49 The mistake that parents make is that they go right into the no word.
    1:26:52 They don’t use empathy, they don’t bring empathy in.
    1:26:55 And the truth is that even as an adult,
    1:27:00 if somebody just says no without first recognizing how you feel,
    1:27:04 you feel very unsatisfied, right?
    1:27:06 For a child, it’s critical.
    1:27:09 It’s critical that even when you have to say no,
    1:27:10 and particularly if you have to say no,
    1:27:13 that you first recognize how they feel.
    1:27:16 I mean, that’s what all the relationship experts on the show tell me.
    1:27:18 They say if you want to be successful in a romantic relationship,
    1:27:21 then you first must make your partner feel heard and understood.
    1:27:22 That’s right.
    1:27:24 Even if you disagree in an argument,
    1:27:26 first acknowledge what they said, maybe repeat it back to them,
    1:27:28 and then they’ll feel heard and understood
    1:27:30 and it kind of stops the broken record.
    1:27:32 Do you think that I’m a traumatized child?
    1:27:34 I don’t know.
    1:27:36 I haven’t heard about your traumatized background.
    1:27:37 If so, if you have a trauma,
    1:27:40 I would say we’re all, so let me say this,
    1:27:42 there’s this word trauma is used a lot.
    1:27:44 Can I just talk about it for a moment?
    1:27:47 There’s something called big T trauma, right?
    1:27:52 Big T trauma is like I was in a car accident and I lost my legs,
    1:27:58 or I lost my parents, my mother died of brain cancer,
    1:28:01 or my father was an alcoholic and beat me,
    1:28:06 or there are things that are more concrete
    1:28:09 that you can hold on to, things that happen to people.
    1:28:13 Yeah, I was raped, or you know, those are big T trauma.
    1:28:20 But believe it or not, probably fewer people suffer from big T trauma
    1:28:23 and more people suffer from little T trauma.
    1:28:27 And little T trauma is more nuanced.
    1:28:35 It requires looking with a finer tooth comb at the issues.
    1:28:36 It’s more relational.
    1:28:41 It’s more, I was subtly neglected by my mother.
    1:28:43 My mother wasn’t a good listener.
    1:28:46 My mother loved me, but my father loved me,
    1:28:47 but he never understood me.
    1:28:51 My parents were narcissistic and very self-centered.
    1:28:55 They were never around, you know,
    1:28:57 and so people will come into my office
    1:28:59 and sit down, individuals for therapy,
    1:29:02 and they’ll say, you know, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
    1:29:06 I had two parents who stayed together.
    1:29:09 I had all the material wealth that I could need.
    1:29:11 I never wanted for stuff.
    1:29:13 You know, my parents stayed together,
    1:29:15 and I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
    1:29:17 And so I say, okay, so you’re telling me nothing
    1:29:20 big and traumatic happened to you in your life.
    1:29:23 Now let’s talk about the nuance.
    1:29:26 And we’re not very nuanced anymore,
    1:29:29 so we don’t want to look at what causes most forms
    1:29:32 of mental illness, depression, anxiety.
    1:29:37 Even ADHD are the relational nuances of a family.
    1:29:40 And what do you mean by the relational nuances?
    1:29:41 It could be the…
    1:29:42 Neglect.
    1:29:43 Neglect.
    1:29:46 Being ignored, having a mentally ill parent
    1:29:47 that no one knows about.
    1:29:50 Maybe a depressed mother who sleeps in in the morning
    1:29:52 and doesn’t get up and feed you.
    1:29:54 You know, you get up and feed yourself,
    1:29:57 or maybe you’re a latchkey kid who comes home
    1:29:59 and you’re isolated and alone.
    1:30:05 And there are things that people can’t see, but you see.
    1:30:06 And so that’s why people,
    1:30:09 I would say most people go into therapy,
    1:30:12 not for big tea traumas, believe it or not,
    1:30:14 even though the ACEs study says, you know,
    1:30:16 alcoholism, drug addiction, of course,
    1:30:17 those are big tea traumas.
    1:30:23 Most people come into therapy for little tea trauma.
    1:30:29 And the reason why it’s quite difficult
    1:30:32 for those people is there’s not a lot of reinforcement
    1:30:34 from society that those are also traumas.
    1:30:36 But in fact, they are traumas.
    1:30:39 Attachment trauma, you know, if you were put in daycare.
    1:30:42 And so I have patients who come to me and say,
    1:30:45 I can remember being put in daycare.
    1:30:48 And you know, you’re not supposed to remember things
    1:30:49 until the age of four or five.
    1:30:53 But some patients can remember flashes of memory under five.
    1:30:55 And they’ll say, I was put into daycare.
    1:30:58 I just, all I can remember is screaming my lungs out
    1:30:59 for my mommy.
    1:31:01 You’re not a fan of daycare, are you?
    1:31:02 No.
    1:31:04 What’s wrong with daycare?
    1:31:09 Daycare raises salivary cortisol levels in children.
    1:31:13 The studies show, meaning those babies are put
    1:31:16 into stressful states at a very young age
    1:31:17 when their brains are developing.
    1:31:21 Daycare has been known to increase aggression
    1:31:25 and anxiety and behavioral problems in school,
    1:31:26 in the school years.
    1:31:28 And those children are more likely
    1:31:30 to develop attachment disorders.
    1:31:32 Remember those first three years
    1:31:35 when children are so very fragile and vulnerable,
    1:31:40 taking them away from your body as a primary attachment figure
    1:31:42 and handing them over to strangers
    1:31:46 and leaving them there for hours on end
    1:31:51 will cause your child to have to develop pathological defenses.
    1:31:53 And that’s what those children are forced to do.
    1:31:57 So it is the least good option of child care.
    1:31:59 So let’s talk about what are the better options of child care
    1:32:01 if you have to use child care.
    1:32:07 You know how we say breast is best, and it is for a variety of reasons.
    1:32:10 But the best is your primary attachment figure
    1:32:13 for the first three years, as much as possible.
    1:32:16 Primary attachment, attachment figure, you mean the mother?
    1:32:18 Well, no, it can be the father.
    1:32:24 It’s the go-to person who’s a sensitive empathic nurture.
    1:32:28 So when that baby’s in distress, that baby gets their emotional needs met.
    1:32:29 It can be the father.
    1:32:31 It can be the father,
    1:32:33 but first the father has to learn how to be a sensitive.
    1:32:36 It doesn’t come naturally to most men.
    1:32:39 With rare exception, I have known some patients
    1:32:44 where the husband, the father, was more sensitive than the mother.
    1:32:45 It’s possible.
    1:32:49 But in general, instinctually,
    1:32:51 fathers are not sensitive empathic nurturers
    1:32:54 because it’s against their evolutionary instinct.
    1:32:55 Their evolutionary instinct,
    1:32:58 if you were an animal on the plains of Africa,
    1:33:03 you’re an impala.
    1:33:05 You’re a daddy impala.
    1:33:09 Your baby is born and it comes out running because they are.
    1:33:11 They’re like born and you’re all running together.
    1:33:14 You get behind that baby and you’re like,
    1:33:17 get going buddy, you better get going
    1:33:19 or you’re going to be lunch for that lion.
    1:33:22 That’s a father’s instinct is to protect.
    1:33:23 It’s protective aggression.
    1:33:27 That’s different than the baby impala falls down
    1:33:29 and the mother comes over and licks the baby and says,
    1:33:31 are you okay honey?
    1:33:32 Can I give you a hug?
    1:33:34 Can you, you know, if impala could talk.
    1:33:37 So it’s a different instinct.
    1:33:40 So fathers can be taught to be primary attachment figures,
    1:33:42 but this is why I say it’s so very important
    1:33:45 that we recognize the difference between men and women.
    1:33:47 If we just think they’re exactly the same
    1:33:50 and we put it, throw a father into the mix with an infant
    1:33:53 and the mother’s going out and the father’s staying home,
    1:33:56 if we don’t talk about this stuff
    1:33:59 and talk about it openly and say,
    1:34:02 when the baby cries, you have to mirror the baby’s emotions.
    1:34:04 You have to do skin to skin.
    1:34:06 You have to soothe the baby,
    1:34:10 not encourage resilience, not distract the baby,
    1:34:12 not use discrepant emotions with the baby.
    1:34:15 If the baby’s crying, don’t go, oh, you’re okay.
    1:34:16 You’ll be fine.
    1:34:17 No, no.
    1:34:18 So it’s really important
    1:34:20 if the father’s going to stay home
    1:34:21 that he learns how to be a mother.
    1:34:24 You know, sometimes gay couples will come to me
    1:34:27 and I’ll say, you know, two gay men will come.
    1:34:29 I’ll say, which one of you is going to be the mother?
    1:34:32 Now that may seem politically incorrect,
    1:34:33 but someone’s got to play that role.
    1:34:36 You cannot have two fathers for a child.
    1:34:37 A child needs a mother and a father.
    1:34:39 If you’re going to have two men,
    1:34:41 then one of them has to play that sensitive empathic role.
    1:34:44 The other has to play the playful tactile stimulation role.
    1:34:46 Same with two women who are raising children.
    1:34:49 It’s better to have a father and a mother than two mothers.
    1:34:51 So which of you is going to be the dad?
    1:34:54 Which of you is going to roughhouse and play basketball
    1:34:56 and roll the rounds on the ground and tickle the baby
    1:35:00 and encourage exploration and risk taking and-
    1:35:01 Can’t you both do half each?
    1:35:03 No, no, no.
    1:35:04 And I’ll tell you why.
    1:35:06 It’s very confusing to children.
    1:35:11 When parents say, I’m both mother and father to my child,
    1:35:14 I say, no, no, it’s very confusing to children.
    1:35:18 They need to have a mother figure and a father figure.
    1:35:20 And I say that knowing today’s politics
    1:35:22 and knowing today’s social situation,
    1:35:26 you can have a mother figure who’s not a mother.
    1:35:28 Maybe it’s a nanny.
    1:35:29 Maybe it’s a grandmother.
    1:35:31 You need a mother figure.
    1:35:35 And you need that mother figure to be around a lot.
    1:35:38 If that mother figure is the one who provides
    1:35:40 the sensitive empathic nurturing.
    1:35:42 So some of this can be taught,
    1:35:45 but it can’t be taught unless you first acknowledge
    1:35:46 that there are differences.
    1:35:50 If we cannot, as a society, acknowledge the inconvenient
    1:35:51 truth that men and women are different
    1:35:53 in terms of their nurturing behaviors,
    1:35:55 then we can’t teach anybody anything.
    1:35:59 I’m looking at some stats here in front of me on a graph,
    1:36:00 which I was just reading as you’re explaining that,
    1:36:02 because it seems to be quite relevant.
    1:36:06 And it shows that in 1960, one in 10 mothers
    1:36:09 were the sole primary breadwinner.
    1:36:11 Now it’s almost at half.
    1:36:12 It’s on its way to half.
    1:36:13 I know.
    1:36:16 Almost half of mothers are the sole or primary breadwinner
    1:36:18 in 2016.
    1:36:23 So I mean, these mothers can’t just quit their jobs.
    1:36:29 So it’s a good question.
    1:36:32 I get a lot of people coming to me and saying,
    1:36:34 and this is very common,
    1:36:37 I want to quit my job.
    1:36:39 I want to downscale.
    1:36:41 I want to work part-time.
    1:36:44 But my husband won’t support it
    1:36:47 because I made a promise
    1:36:50 that I would be the primary breadwinner.
    1:36:53 And now I want to switch, and he won’t switch,
    1:36:56 or he doesn’t support me giving up my high-paying job.
    1:36:59 But I feel this transformation of being with my baby,
    1:37:01 and I don’t want to leave my baby.
    1:37:04 The problem with young people is they promise each other.
    1:37:06 They make promises to each other
    1:37:08 that they probably should not make.
    1:37:09 Do not promise your spouse
    1:37:12 that nothing will change when you have a baby.
    1:37:14 Say to your spouse,
    1:37:17 let’s prepare for everything to change.
    1:37:22 Let’s believe that anything is possible,
    1:37:25 and let’s prepare.
    1:37:26 Let’s strategize.
    1:37:30 Let’s say, what if I want to stay home with the baby?
    1:37:33 What if I, I may not feel like that now,
    1:37:34 but what if I see this baby,
    1:37:35 and I fall in love with this baby,
    1:37:36 and I want to stay home,
    1:37:38 and I’m the mother, and I want to breastfeed,
    1:37:39 and I don’t want to go back to work for a while.
    1:37:43 And so then you say, what would that scenario look like?
    1:37:45 What could we do?
    1:37:47 What could we downscale in terms of our material life
    1:37:52 and our lifestyle that makes it possible for me to stay home?
    1:37:55 And I don’t think we do that.
    1:37:58 Instead, women say, nothing’s going to change,
    1:38:00 and men say, nothing’s going to change.
    1:38:02 And then they have babies,
    1:38:06 and they’re not prepared for the changes that occur.
    1:38:07 Changes occur in men, too.
    1:38:08 It’s not just women.
    1:38:13 I mean, fathers also can have this transformation, right?
    1:38:16 Where they also want to work less,
    1:38:19 or sometimes the transformation comes in the form
    1:38:21 of wanting to work less and being home.
    1:38:24 Sometimes it comes in the form of wanting to go out
    1:38:26 and take on the world so they can provide for their family.
    1:38:30 But it does, it does stimulate something.
    1:38:34 It stimulates some evolutionary response in men and women.
    1:38:38 The hardest thing I find is when men and women compete.
    1:38:41 It was much easier in the olden days.
    1:38:43 Now, not everything was good in the olden days,
    1:38:47 but you would say the idea that roles were defined
    1:38:52 meant that men and women didn’t compete over their roles.
    1:38:57 Now, what I think is causing a lot of these divorces
    1:38:59 and what’s causing a lot of marital conflict
    1:39:02 is that men and women compete over everything.
    1:39:05 They compete over who’s going to make more money.
    1:39:08 They compete over who’s going to care for the baby.
    1:39:13 And so it’s like you’re a CEO of a company,
    1:39:14 you had your own company.
    1:39:17 So you can’t have co-CEOs.
    1:39:19 I mean, I don’t know if you did, but it doesn’t work.
    1:39:21 I mean, anybody that I’ve ever treated
    1:39:25 that says we’re going to do co-CEOs, it always falls apart.
    1:39:27 You can have a CEO, you can have a president,
    1:39:29 you can have the head of marketing, you can have a CFO,
    1:39:30 you can have a CEO.
    1:39:31 These are different roles.
    1:39:34 And they don’t compete with one another.
    1:39:35 They work as a team.
    1:39:39 Parenting is a team sport, not a competitive sport.
    1:39:42 And so what’s happening today,
    1:39:45 because of all this gender neutrality
    1:39:46 and we’re as good as you
    1:39:48 and you’re as good as me and we’re the same,
    1:39:51 it means that couples are competing with one another.
    1:39:53 And that’s causing so much tension
    1:39:57 because what’s best is when couples complement each other.
    1:40:02 When their differences mean that as a team,
    1:40:05 they work well to care for a child.
    1:40:07 And I would say the secret to success in a marriage
    1:40:11 is save your competition for the tennis court,
    1:40:15 for the basketball court, for running in the park.
    1:40:17 But don’t compete over child rearing.
    1:40:19 Who’s going to take care of the children?
    1:40:21 Don’t compete over who makes more money.
    1:40:25 Find a way to complement each other and be a team.
    1:40:28 There’s so many mothers listening now
    1:40:30 that are very career-driven.
    1:40:33 And you may be causing some existential crises.
    1:40:36 You may be reaffirming a lot of what they believe and think
    1:40:38 and what they feel intuitively.
    1:40:43 Are you saying then that for those women
    1:40:47 that are pursuing high-octane careers and leadership roles,
    1:40:51 that also want to have children, that it’s one or the other?
    1:40:56 No, I’m saying that there are certain careers realistically.
    1:40:59 Here’s the inconvenient truth again, a bunch of inconvenient truths.
    1:41:08 There are certain careers that are harder to be a good mother.
    1:41:10 Period.
    1:41:13 I’m saying that I know it’s a harsh toke, but there it is.
    1:41:16 There are certain careers that are too demanding
    1:41:19 to be present for your children, whether you’re a mother or a father.
    1:41:24 You think if you’re a father who’s a CEO who’s traveling around the world
    1:41:26 and misses your children’s birthday
    1:41:28 and misses your children’s soccer games
    1:41:30 and misses your children’s piano concerts
    1:41:32 and isn’t there to pick them up at school
    1:41:35 or have breakfast with them or have dinner at the end of the day,
    1:41:39 you think that child is going to have a healthy relationship with that parent?
    1:41:41 Another myth.
    1:41:42 Here we are.
    1:41:43 I told you I was going to weave the myths in.
    1:41:46 Quality versus quantity time.
    1:41:50 You cannot be there for your children.
    1:41:56 On your own time, you have to be there on their time.
    1:42:00 Meaning quality time is a narcissistic fantasy.
    1:42:03 I can be there on my time.
    1:42:08 So my child sits at home and is like a vase on the counter
    1:42:09 waiting for me to come home.
    1:42:14 And then I come home and there I can be present for my child.
    1:42:16 Your child has needed you all day long.
    1:42:21 And when you come home, that’s on your time.
    1:42:27 You need to be there a quality of time as well as a quantity of time.
    1:42:31 I always say to people that you can be physically present
    1:42:32 but be emotionally checked out.
    1:42:35 But you can’t be emotionally present if you’re not physically there.
    1:42:36 Enough of the time.
    1:42:38 And that’s just a reality.
    1:42:40 So what are the careers that are really good
    1:42:43 for whoever’s going to be the primary attachment figure?
    1:42:46 Service fields.
    1:42:49 Fields where you have your own business
    1:42:52 and you can make your own schedule around your children.
    1:42:56 Your children don’t work around you.
    1:42:57 You work around your children.
    1:43:04 Physical therapy, psychotherapy, speech therapy, consulting maybe.
    1:43:06 Anything that’s entrepreneurial.
    1:43:08 Anything that is a service field.
    1:43:10 CEO, podcaster, investor, entrepreneur.
    1:43:12 No, I’m going to disagree with you.
    1:43:14 I’m going to say you can.
    1:43:18 But you have to be willing to set limits with yourself.
    1:43:22 So you have to be willing to say, do you know Monet, the painter?
    1:43:22 Yeah.
    1:43:24 He was famous in his own life.
    1:43:27 Now most painters have to be dead to be famous.
    1:43:33 And he painted on a very modest schedule.
    1:43:35 Get up in the morning to catch the light
    1:43:38 and then he’d be done by like three or four o’clock in the afternoon.
    1:43:39 He’d have dinner with his family.
    1:43:44 We are the architects of our own lives.
    1:43:45 Kind of.
    1:43:47 No, not kind of.
    1:43:51 I’m representing the opinion of some people who might be listening.
    1:43:52 I obviously this.
    1:43:55 Okay, so who are the people who can architect their own lives?
    1:43:57 You want to be a, who do you think?
    1:43:59 I would say hedge fund managers.
    1:44:00 Okay, let me tell you that.
    1:44:02 So I was 18 years old, dropped out of university.
    1:44:05 Probably had sex that year.
    1:44:11 So if I had sex that year and had a baby and then I became a single parent.
    1:44:13 At the time I was, I had two CCJs.
    1:44:16 I was broke or shoplifting, food to feed myself.
    1:44:18 I’d printed off the doll forms and I hadn’t, I never sent them in,
    1:44:21 but the forms where you get, you know, like government assistance.
    1:44:25 And I was working in call centers, working night shifts
    1:44:29 because that was the best job I could get to pay for the rent that I had every month.
    1:44:31 If I’d had a baby at that exact moment in time,
    1:44:37 I didn’t think I would be, it wouldn’t, it wouldn’t resonate with me
    1:44:39 what you’re saying about being the architect of my destiny
    1:44:41 because there is like immediate emergencies.
    1:44:43 I can’t, I can’t feed myself, let alone a kid.
    1:44:44 So I’ll tell you.
    1:44:46 And I also didn’t have any family within hours.
    1:44:49 My mom had basically disowned me because I dropped out of university.
    1:44:50 I was alone.
    1:44:52 Did you have a baby at 18?
    1:44:53 No, I haven’t had kids yet.
    1:44:54 I’m hoping to.
    1:44:59 Okay, so first of all, it’s a good reason to use birth control
    1:45:01 and not have a baby at 18.
    1:45:03 But okay, let’s put that aside for a second.
    1:45:04 Let’s put that aside for a second.
    1:45:10 Let’s say that what we should be promoting in this world,
    1:45:11 I’m going to say this, it’s controversial,
    1:45:15 is that whoever is the primary attachment figure
    1:45:20 has a career that they have control over and flexibility.
    1:45:21 Maybe the other person does it.
    1:45:24 Maybe the other person works for someone or whatever.
    1:45:27 But in my book, I interview a lot of different women
    1:45:29 from a lot of different socioeconomic backgrounds.
    1:45:32 And one of the women that I interviewed was a nanny.
    1:45:36 And she said, she had three children.
    1:45:41 And she said that the way that I raised my children
    1:45:44 because I was a single mother raising three children,
    1:45:46 I had to work to pay the rent.
    1:45:51 She said, but I made sure that I didn’t work past five o’clock.
    1:45:53 I never worked past five o’clock.
    1:45:54 I’d come home at five o’clock.
    1:45:56 I didn’t go out at night.
    1:45:58 People would say, let’s go.
    1:46:02 I said, no, my children, this is my time with my children.
    1:46:03 So I don’t go out at night.
    1:46:05 I don’t go out on weekends.
    1:46:08 I’m with, when I’m not working, I am with my children.
    1:46:11 And my children knew that I had to work.
    1:46:16 But the way I used my free time was very carefully.
    1:46:19 She also said to me–
    1:46:22 and again, there are a number of interviews in there–
    1:46:26 she also said that the people who she left her children with,
    1:46:27 she never used daycare.
    1:46:32 She had extended family watch her child.
    1:46:35 So her neighbor, who was her dear friend,
    1:46:37 she paid to watch her child.
    1:46:42 And so that person was Auntie, and that person was like family,
    1:46:45 and was in that child’s life forever.
    1:46:50 So what I say about childcare is there are different levels of importance.
    1:46:53 So the best is your primary attachment figure.
    1:46:57 Your next best is kinship bonds, family or extended family.
    1:47:00 Someone who has a similar investment to that child as you do.
    1:47:03 Even if the kid’s going to be raised alone at that early age,
    1:47:07 so versus going to daycare, they’ll be around other kids.
    1:47:10 No, no, children don’t need other kids until the age of three.
    1:47:13 They do something called parallel play.
    1:47:15 What they need is one-on-one connection.
    1:47:17 They need attachment security,
    1:47:22 and they need their emotional needs met by one person, one-on-one.
    1:47:25 After three, then, the beginning of preschool,
    1:47:28 then they start to actually interact with one another.
    1:47:30 Until then, they’re not playing together.
    1:47:32 They’re just doing parallel play.
    1:47:33 So that’s another myth.
    1:47:37 The myth that daycare is good for children for socialization.
    1:47:41 No, children don’t need socialization before three,
    1:47:43 unless their mother’s with them.
    1:47:46 So what I say is do play dates, do play groups,
    1:47:51 but be within eye gaze or ear shot of a child,
    1:47:55 meaning there’s something called rapprochement,
    1:47:57 which is emotional refueling.
    1:47:59 So when children start to explore,
    1:48:01 when you’ve given them emotional security,
    1:48:03 and they feel so secure that you’re going to be there,
    1:48:07 then they start to take chances.
    1:48:08 They start to take risks.
    1:48:09 They start to tattle off.
    1:48:12 That’s where the word toddler came from.
    1:48:15 They tattle away, but guess what they do for emotional security?
    1:48:19 They look back, and they say, “Oh, she’s there.
    1:48:20 It’s okay.”
    1:48:21 And then they keep playing.
    1:48:25 Or they run back and get a hug, and then they run off again.
    1:48:29 You are their touchstone of security.
    1:48:32 And that’s how children become courageous.
    1:48:36 That’s how they develop the ability to explore and still feel secure.
    1:48:39 Your gut and my gut is the home of our digestion,
    1:48:41 and it’s also a gateway to better health.
    1:48:43 But it can be hard to know what’s going on in there.
    1:48:45 Zoe, who sponsors this podcast,
    1:48:48 has one of the largest microbiome databases on the planet,
    1:48:51 and one of the world’s most advanced at-home gut health tests.
    1:48:52 Their blood sugar sensor,
    1:48:54 which I have in this box in front of me,
    1:48:55 goes on your arm so you can see
    1:48:57 how different foods impact your blood sugar.
    1:48:59 Then there’s the at-home blood sample,
    1:49:02 which is really easy and analyzes your body’s blood fat.
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    1:49:12 Oh, and I can’t forget, there’s also a poo sample,
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    1:49:20 your body’s response to different foods.
    1:49:22 Using your results, Zoe’s app
    1:49:25 will also create a personalized nutrition plan for you.
    1:49:27 And this is exactly why I invested in the business.
    1:49:30 So my question to you is how healthy is your gut?
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    1:49:42 As you guys know, Woop is one of my show sponsors.
    1:49:45 It’s also a company that I have invested in,
    1:49:47 and it’s one that you guys ask me about a lot.
    1:49:49 The biggest question I get asked is why I use Woop
    1:49:51 over other wearable technology options.
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    1:49:54 but I think it really comes down
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    1:49:59 It’s non-invasive nature.
    1:50:01 When everything in life seems to be competing
    1:50:03 for my attention, I turn to Woop
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    1:50:07 And Will Armed, the CEO who came on this podcast,
    1:50:09 told me the reason that there’s no screen,
    1:50:11 because screens equal distraction.
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    1:50:15 my Woop doesn’t demand my attention.
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    1:50:35 Let me know how you get on.
    1:50:39 You keep mentioning, but three years old.
    1:50:39 Yes.
    1:50:40 Why three years old?
    1:50:43 And there’s kind of like two segments
    1:50:45 to this question that I was keen to understand.
    1:50:48 Is there an element of neuroplasticity
    1:50:51 that makes the age of three so important?
    1:50:53 And the other kind of sub question
    1:50:54 I was trying to figure out in my head was,
    1:50:58 is the damage we do before three years old to a child
    1:51:01 inadvertently at all reversible?
    1:51:01 Okay.
    1:51:02 And is it damage?
    1:51:06 So plasticity, there are certain what we call
    1:51:10 critical periods of right or social emotional brain development.
    1:51:13 One is zero to three, and it’s the most important,
    1:51:15 because what’s happening is something called neurogenesis.
    1:51:17 So it’s the growth of cells.
    1:51:24 And your presence as a parent who provides safety and security,
    1:51:27 buffers your child from stress, regulates their emotions,
    1:51:32 is critical to them growing that right brain.
    1:51:36 Because 85% of their right brain is developed by three.
    1:51:37 Crazy, right?
    1:51:37 85%.
    1:51:43 And you being there changes the architecture of that brain.
    1:51:45 That’s how important you are.
    1:51:47 Like people come up to me in cocktail parties,
    1:51:50 and they’ll say to me, “Ah, I don’t have to be there.
    1:51:53 My baby’s just sleeping and pooping, and you know,
    1:51:54 they don’t need me.
    1:51:56 I’m going to be around when they’re talking and walking.”
    1:51:59 I’m like, “No, I’m like, you got it wrong.”
    1:52:02 I’m like, “You have to be here now,
    1:52:05 because now is when the cell growth is happening.
    1:52:09 Every time a baby snuggles and takes the breast
    1:52:13 and looks at you with their eyes and you sing to them,
    1:52:17 thousands, millions of synapses are firing.”
    1:52:19 Okay, so you have, think of a garden.
    1:52:24 By three years of age, you’re growing a garden.
    1:52:27 I know because I just started a garden where I have vegetables
    1:52:28 and flowers, and it’s abundant.
    1:52:31 It’s an abundant, I love my garden.
    1:52:35 This is an abundant garden of brain tissue, okay?
    1:52:40 If you do it right, it grows, it overgrows.
    1:52:43 You know, the flowers, the vegetables, it’s growing crazy.
    1:52:46 Okay, now they go into childhood.
    1:52:49 After three years old, they go into childhood.
    1:52:54 And from three years old till about nine years old,
    1:52:59 it’s still growing, but it’s not growing at the same pace.
    1:53:01 So say that it’s still growing a little.
    1:53:06 Like the garden grows in one big burst and then little bursts.
    1:53:10 So from three to nine, it’s still growing, right?
    1:53:13 But not to the same degree as the first critical period
    1:53:14 of brain development.
    1:53:16 Now adolescence comes, nine to 25.
    1:53:20 And now you have to prune back the garden,
    1:53:23 because if you don’t prune back the cells you don’t need,
    1:53:28 it’s as damaging to the brain as if you didn’t grow them to begin with.
    1:53:33 So in these two critical windows, the environment dictates,
    1:53:35 do the cells grow?
    1:53:36 Do they get pruned?
    1:53:41 And when they’re really little, you’re their environment.
    1:53:43 You’re it, tag, you’re it.
    1:53:47 When they’re in adolescence, you’re a very important part of the environment,
    1:53:49 but not all of their environment.
    1:53:52 They have friends, they have school, they have activities, right?
    1:53:57 And so it’s very important if you can get to the first window to get there,
    1:53:59 because you don’t know what’s going to happen to them
    1:54:02 and you want to fortify them, right?
    1:54:05 You want to fortify them so when they get to adolescence,
    1:54:08 which is really painful and hard and a struggle,
    1:54:13 that they have the inner resources to cope with adolescence,
    1:54:15 because it’s so hard adolescence, right?
    1:54:19 And it offers such adversity, social adversity, academic adversity, right?
    1:54:24 Social media, so both of these periods are important.
    1:54:27 If you miss the first window.
    1:54:29 What, zero to three?
    1:54:32 Yes, the tile of my second book.
    1:54:35 It’s called “Chicken Little.”
    1:54:40 The sky isn’t falling, raising resilient adolescents in the new age of anxiety.
    1:54:44 If that isn’t a mouthful, do you know what the title of the book was supposed to be?
    1:54:47 It was supposed to be “Second Chances.”
    1:54:51 Okay.
    1:54:55 And the title of being there was supposed to be called “The Lost Instinct.”
    1:54:57 So if you mess up your kids, you get a second chance to fix it.
    1:54:59 You get a second chance.
    1:55:00 And what do you do?
    1:55:04 I want people to read the book because it’s more nuanced than what I’m saying.
    1:55:09 A lot of what you should have done in the first three years, you got to be there.
    1:55:11 You got to be there in a different way.
    1:55:13 You’re not going to, I mean, they’re not little, little so,
    1:55:21 but when they come home from school, if you are not there, when the door swings open,
    1:55:25 everybody knows the teenagers close their doors if they have doors.
    1:55:30 And that’s their way of saying, “My defenses are up, go away.”
    1:55:36 If parents work really hard and then they come home and they go, “Knock, knock, knock.
    1:55:38 I’m here to spend time with you.
    1:55:39 How was your day?”
    1:55:41 That door’s closed.
    1:55:43 Closed, baby, closed.
    1:55:50 If you aren’t there when the door opens on its own, on their terms.
    1:55:53 If you’re not there when they’re coming out to get a snack or to take a pee
    1:55:56 or to take a break from their studying.
    1:56:00 If you are not there then and open for business, for communication,
    1:56:01 the door closes again.
    1:56:09 So it goes back to this idea that children need you when they need you,
    1:56:13 not when you’re personally available.
    1:56:17 And if you miss that window, it’s not the end of the world
    1:56:20 because you can, a word that we use is to repair.
    1:56:28 You can repair a lot of the damage, but to repair the damage, you can’t go back,
    1:56:30 sort of like going to a confessional if you’re Catholic.
    1:56:36 You go in and you say, “Oh, Father, I murdered somebody today.”
    1:56:39 And the priest says, “Well, say 12 Hail Marys.”
    1:56:43 I don’t know, I’m not Catholic, but you can’t go out and murder again.
    1:56:50 So if you’re going to repair, it means that whatever happens between you and your child,
    1:56:52 you’re trying to be a better parent.
    1:56:54 You’re trying to do things differently.
    1:57:02 You can’t take advantage of their good graces and keep pushing them away, pushing them.
    1:57:06 But repair is possible because the brain is plastic
    1:57:09 and it’s always growing and shrinking until it’s not.
    1:57:13 What if I’m 30 years old, for example, and I had a traumatic upbringing?
    1:57:19 Can I repair myself from the childhood trauma that I experienced between the ages of zero and 10?
    1:57:25 The way that I would put it is it takes a relationship to cause the trauma
    1:57:27 and it takes another relationship to repair it.
    1:57:33 So the thing that most people don’t understand about therapy
    1:57:39 and why I really recommend psychodynamic psychotherapy,
    1:57:42 some people would say psychoanalytic therapy,
    1:57:50 but a more in-depth kind of therapy that lasts longer is because you develop a relationship.
    1:57:56 It’s not that you are healed from some pithy thing that the therapist says.
    1:57:59 I mean, I wish I was so smart that I could say this and, you know,
    1:58:03 everybody would say you’re a genius and pay me millions of dollars.
    1:58:04 It doesn’t work like that.
    1:58:10 Therapy requires the consistency of a relationship with the therapist
    1:58:16 because it’s through that therapist seeing you through the ups and downs of your life,
    1:58:22 reflecting your feelings. It’s a kind of emotionally reparative experience,
    1:58:26 but it’s not what the therapist says as much as the relationship,
    1:58:28 the long-standing relationship with the therapist.
    1:58:34 So what’s healing is the relationship rather than the interpretations.
    1:58:38 And can that be a romantic relationship that then, of course, corrects you in some regard?
    1:58:46 Okay, so the idea is that to really heal, it requires relationships and those relationships
    1:58:49 sometimes can be people that you love.
    1:58:53 The problem with people that you love is that you end up burdening those people
    1:59:01 with, you can overburden the people that you love with your conflicts, your internal losses.
    1:59:07 So, you know, if you find yourself using the people that you love like therapists,
    1:59:14 if you find that you’re using the people that you love to deal with past losses,
    1:59:17 I would say it can corrupt the relationship.
    1:59:19 So you have to be careful.
    1:59:23 So the reason to go to a therapist would be to preserve the relationship.
    1:59:25 It’s not that you don’t share with the person that you love,
    1:59:29 but you don’t want to overburden your friends or your lovers
    1:59:32 with the burdens of your childhood trauma, right?
    1:59:36 So I always say that therapy becomes like a safe container.
    1:59:39 You go to therapy, you talk to your therapist,
    1:59:47 you develop this trusting relationship where everything is left there, so to speak,
    1:59:50 in that container until you come back.
    1:59:52 But therapy is not for everyone.
    1:59:53 It requires laying down your defenses.
    1:59:58 It requires the ability to be open and talk about your feelings.
    2:00:02 There are types of therapies that you can go to if you can’t talk about your feelings,
    2:00:05 things like DBT or CBT.
    2:00:10 But for the most part, healing therapy requires being open.
    2:00:11 It requires trusting.
    2:00:16 You must encounter a lot of people that are in denial about their childhood trauma
    2:00:17 and the role it’s played in shaping who they are.
    2:00:19 Because you’ll have people come to you, I’m sure,
    2:00:24 that are exhibiting adult symptoms like maybe they can’t form relationships very well.
    2:00:28 Maybe they’ve got other forms of emotional erratic behavior.
    2:00:32 And there must be occasions where you have a suspicion
    2:00:34 that it’s linked to some early experience.
    2:00:36 And they’re in denial.
    2:00:42 So I’m just thinking about people that I know that have presenting symptoms in their life,
    2:00:44 really chronic presenting symptoms.
    2:00:47 But if you were to ask them if their childhood played a role,
    2:00:49 they’re almost defensive of their childhood.
    2:00:52 So defenses are important.
    2:00:55 Defenses protect us.
    2:00:59 And people also have a misunderstanding of what therapy is about.
    2:01:00 The kind of therapy.
    2:01:01 I’m a psychoanalyst.
    2:01:05 So people think you go to therapy and they take your defenses away from you.
    2:01:08 I would never take someone’s defenses away,
    2:01:13 unless I could help them to replace them with healthier defenses.
    2:01:15 So what we do is an exchange.
    2:01:19 But you don’t take your foot off a landmine unless you have a really big rock to put in its place.
    2:01:23 So if you’re going to let go of one defense,
    2:01:25 you have to trust the person you’re working with,
    2:01:28 you’ll find a better, healthier defense to protect you.
    2:01:29 Give me an example.
    2:01:34 If you used anxiety in childhood,
    2:01:39 if you used the anxiety to get attention,
    2:01:42 what if you complained as a child,
    2:01:46 and you went around and said, “Oh, I’m worried about this.”
    2:01:49 And so in a way, it serves a purpose.
    2:01:54 That anxiety, that complaining, that expression of emotion,
    2:01:56 it gets the attention from your parents.
    2:02:01 And suddenly, and I do believe that there’s a lot of this going on,
    2:02:04 a lot of kids are breaking down and saying, “I’m anxious, I’m depressed.”
    2:02:07 I do think many of them are,
    2:02:12 but I also think that many of them need their parents to understand them.
    2:02:17 So that would be what I call, it’s a defense,
    2:02:22 but it’s an unhealthy defense because what ends up happening is that the parents
    2:02:27 stop being able to hear them because they complain,
    2:02:30 and the anxiety starts to grade on the parents, and the parents pull away.
    2:02:36 And so what would be a better defense for that child is to learn
    2:02:40 how to express what they need from their parents,
    2:02:43 instead of just saying, “I feel anxious,” or “I feel depressed,”
    2:02:46 but to actually say, “You know, Mom and Dad,
    2:02:49 you don’t really spend any time with me.
    2:02:51 You don’t really, and when you’re home, you’re distracted,
    2:02:54 and you’re on your computer and your iPads,
    2:02:58 and you don’t really seem that interested in me.”
    2:03:03 And so that’s a better way of going about getting the attention that they need.
    2:03:05 So you’re never taking something away from someone,
    2:03:08 unless you have something better to give them.
    2:03:10 And that’s a myth of therapy, right?
    2:03:15 So people feel that they’re going to go into therapy and be left defenseless.
    2:03:19 Now defensiveness, which you mentioned, is a different thing entirely.
    2:03:27 When someone is defensive, it means that it’s an unhealthy defense.
    2:03:29 It means that you hit something.
    2:03:31 So when you say to your friends, “Do you have any childhood trauma?”
    2:03:33 and they say, “Absolutely not. What are you doing?”
    2:03:37 That defensiveness, as opposed to someone who says,
    2:03:43 “You know, I can’t think of any. I, maybe, maybe, you know.”
    2:03:47 So the ability to introspect about the good and the bad
    2:03:50 and integrate the good and the bad is a healthy sign.
    2:03:54 If you have a friend who can’t talk about the sadness of their childhood,
    2:03:57 or a friend who can’t talk about the happiness,
    2:04:01 who can’t integrate the good and the bad of their childhood,
    2:04:02 you know something happened there.
    2:04:05 And if you have a friend who won’t talk at all,
    2:04:07 then you really know something happened there.
    2:04:10 You hit a sensitive spot.
    2:04:12 Are daddy issues real?
    2:04:14 Because the term is thrown around in culture like,
    2:04:15 “Oh, she has daddy issues.”
    2:04:17 It’s typically she has daddy issues, isn’t it?
    2:04:20 Right. So there’s something called “edible development,”
    2:04:23 which is sexual development.
    2:04:25 It’s really relational development, but it’s sexual development,
    2:04:31 which is that all little boys fall in love romantically with their mothers
    2:04:32 and want to marry them.
    2:04:36 So all little boys say, “I want to marry you, mommy. Daddy get lost.”
    2:04:37 It’s sort of like that.
    2:04:40 And all little girls want to be daddy’s little princess
    2:04:42 and marry daddy and want mommy to get lost.
    2:04:49 And it’s this period of about, oh, three to six, three to six years old.
    2:04:52 And I always prepare parents for this.
    2:04:56 Fathers need to reinforce themselves and feel secure enough.
    2:04:58 So when they’re little boys who have been their buddies
    2:05:01 and who have loved them, when their little boys say,
    2:05:05 “Bye-bye, daddy. Get lost,” they don’t react.
    2:05:07 They don’t go into a deep depression.
    2:05:10 They just, they hold it and they say, “Oh, I get it. You love mommy.”
    2:05:13 That’s okay. Same with little girls.
    2:05:19 If their mothers overreact, become angry at them, reject them,
    2:05:21 say, “Oh, you just love your daddy.”
    2:05:27 But if daddy’s are not present enough for little girls,
    2:05:31 it does inform, so our first romantic relationships
    2:05:33 are with our opposite sex parent.
    2:05:36 So as a little boy, your first romantic relationships
    2:05:37 with your mother as a little girl,
    2:05:39 your first romantic relationships with your father.
    2:05:44 If your opposite sex parent is not present at all,
    2:05:46 there’s a loss there.
    2:05:53 So sometimes what can happen is if you don’t have a present father,
    2:05:55 or if your father is really just absent,
    2:05:59 or if he’s physically present but emotionally absent,
    2:06:03 you spend your life looking for that kind of edible connection,
    2:06:06 that kind of admiration, that kind of love,
    2:06:10 that kind of, you know, for someone to love you
    2:06:13 in the way that a father loves a little girl.
    2:06:14 But with distrust built in?
    2:06:17 Well, not necessarily.
    2:06:19 I mean, sometimes it’s too much trust.
    2:06:24 I mean, if you are hungry and somebody offers you scraps,
    2:06:26 you’ll take the scraps, right?
    2:06:28 If you’re hungry and somebody says,
    2:06:32 “Here’s some crumbs of a muffin,” so the problem is that-
    2:06:35 But what if they offered me the scraps,
    2:06:37 and sometimes the scraps,
    2:06:40 as I went to reach for them walked out and didn’t come back?
    2:06:42 Then I might develop a relationship
    2:06:45 that it’s not safe to trust the scraps because-
    2:06:48 So that’s a father who’s negligent.
    2:06:50 But it still leaves that little,
    2:06:52 it still can leave that little girl
    2:06:56 with a strong desire to be loved in that way.
    2:07:00 So it’s like a missing, there’s a missing piece, right?
    2:07:02 So you’d say the romantic relationship
    2:07:04 with the opposite sex parent
    2:07:08 is a very important part of our sexual development
    2:07:10 and our relational development.
    2:07:13 And so it becomes a missing piece for that child
    2:07:15 who then grows into that adult.
    2:07:20 If a father was abusive to a little girl,
    2:07:23 then, you know, that little girl may do
    2:07:24 what we call a neurotic repetition,
    2:07:26 which is she seeks out abusive men,
    2:07:29 because that’s the only kind of love that she knew
    2:07:31 or understood.
    2:07:35 So you have to remember that children perceive
    2:07:38 of the relationship with their parent as loving,
    2:07:39 no matter what the parent does to them.
    2:07:41 I used to work when I was a young social worker
    2:07:42 in foster care.
    2:07:47 And the children who were physically abused
    2:07:50 by their parents and neglected terribly
    2:07:53 still wanted to be with their mothers and fathers.
    2:07:55 They didn’t want to be taken away
    2:07:58 because that was their mother and father,
    2:07:59 and they perceived of that as love.
    2:08:03 So however we’re raised, we perceive of that as love.
    2:08:05 The problem is if it’s not healthy love,
    2:08:08 then we can neurotically repeat
    2:08:09 or repeat that in our adult lives.
    2:08:13 Men, young boys and men.
    2:08:16 I was looking at some stats early around that said
    2:08:19 there’s been increased sexual inactivity
    2:08:21 amongst young men, which is an interesting stat.
    2:08:23 It’s risen to almost 31% of men
    2:08:26 between the ages of 18 and 24 reporting
    2:08:28 no sexual activity in the past year.
    2:08:32 So that’s almost doubled in about the space of 18 years.
    2:08:33 Here’s an interesting stat.
    2:08:35 Highest suicide rates amongst men.
    2:08:38 Men account for nearly 80% of all suicides in the US.
    2:08:42 The highest rate observed among 45 to 64 year olds globally.
    2:08:45 Suicide is the leading cause of death amongst young men.
    2:08:47 And a survey conducted in the UK found that
    2:08:52 an increasing amount of men feel hopeless and worthless
    2:08:55 and that are struggling with finding meaning
    2:08:56 and purpose in the world.
    2:08:59 The plight of young men,
    2:09:01 you talk in your books and in your work about
    2:09:04 how the role of a man has changed
    2:09:07 and how that this might not be necessarily productive
    2:09:09 for the health and well-being of a man.
    2:09:11 Yeah, we’ve taken away their purpose.
    2:09:13 When you take a human being’s purpose away.
    2:09:18 I remember the purpose for men was to protect their family.
    2:09:24 It was to hunt in the old days, feed their families,
    2:09:26 but it was also to protect their families.
    2:09:29 It was to provide for their families.
    2:09:33 And what we’ve done in reversing everything
    2:09:36 is although we raised up women,
    2:09:40 and there are certainly positive things about raising up women,
    2:09:44 but when we raised up women, we denigrated men.
    2:09:47 And I have two sons, so this is very personal for me.
    2:09:53 And I also see a lot of young men in my practice, young adult men.
    2:09:57 And what I’ll say is that they feel discouraged,
    2:10:01 they feel purposeless, they feel diminished.
    2:10:06 Yeah, and there has been something vengeful, I think,
    2:10:13 about, so the feminist movement was meant to give women choice
    2:10:17 and to balance off what was imbalanced in society.
    2:10:19 But there’s something vengeful about it.
    2:10:22 I think at moments I feel like there’s something vengeful
    2:10:26 about the modern feminist movement, which is let’s get them,
    2:10:30 let’s diminish them, let’s take over, let’s push them out,
    2:10:34 let’s beat them up, let’s show them who’s–
    2:10:36 I mean, something really vengeful.
    2:10:41 So for me, the feminist movement was meant to create balance.
    2:10:48 It wasn’t meant to set into play this other kind of imbalance.
    2:10:53 And more than, I think, 60% of universities are women now,
    2:10:55 as well as graduate schools.
    2:10:58 And so that means– and the studies show that men
    2:11:02 will marry at their educational level or below.
    2:11:06 Women will only marry at their educational level or above.
    2:11:13 And by diminishing men so much in terms of our education
    2:11:18 and professions, we’ve basically taken men’s purpose away.
    2:11:19 They feel purposeless.
    2:11:22 And the other thing is, and I’m going to say,
    2:11:26 when men stay home to nurture their children–
    2:11:29 now, remember, as mammals, we have defined roles.
    2:11:32 That is not instinctual for men to stay home and nurture their young.
    2:11:35 It’s just– it’s a reverse of something.
    2:11:40 And the issue there is that there is an inverse relationship
    2:11:44 between oxytocin and testosterone.
    2:11:49 The higher the oxytocin, guess what?
    2:11:50 Don’t know the testosterone.
    2:11:50 Yes.
    2:11:54 So if we’re staying at home bonding–
    2:11:55 There’s a reason for that.
    2:12:00 So mammals, when they are nurturing their young,
    2:12:03 they don’t want somebody mating with them.
    2:12:04 Go away, right?
    2:12:09 So the idea is that when a female nurtures,
    2:12:11 she doesn’t want to have sex.
    2:12:13 She doesn’t want to, right?
    2:12:18 So the investment in nurturing pushes away the investment in mating.
    2:12:20 And this is why I’ve read so many stats
    2:12:24 around men’s testosterone dropping when they become fathers.
    2:12:29 I couldn’t believe that was true when I read it.
    2:12:30 It’s true.
    2:12:34 There were some studies to talk about how women’s testosterone goes up.
    2:12:36 Women have testosterone.
    2:12:39 When they’re out in the work world fighting like men,
    2:12:41 that their testosterone goes up.
    2:12:43 And men’s testosterone, when they stay home, goes down.
    2:12:45 Now, what that’s doing for sex lives–
    2:12:47 there’s some research about–
    2:12:53 that is the next wave, which is what does it do to sex lives?
    2:12:55 Because men have to perform.
    2:12:57 They have to get it up to be crude.
    2:12:59 Tell me about it.
    2:13:02 And so if your testosterone is low,
    2:13:03 you’re not going to get it up, right?
    2:13:08 Which is why there’s all this viagra and these patches and supplements.
    2:13:13 Because it’s not instinctually normal for husbands
    2:13:15 to stay home and nurture their children.
    2:13:17 And that’s the inconvenient truth.
    2:13:21 How that affects men’s and women’s sex life?
    2:13:24 When women come home from their banking jobs and their law jobs,
    2:13:30 do their husbands not want to have sex with them?
    2:13:32 And is that breaking up something?
    2:13:38 So I think this is the next wave of we’ve reversed things societally so fast.
    2:13:45 And then we hope that our evolutionary bodily responses
    2:13:49 are just going to catch up in merely a century.
    2:13:52 And evolution doesn’t work like that.
    2:13:55 It takes hundreds, if not thousands of years,
    2:13:59 to change our bodily evolutionary responses, right?
    2:14:01 Our instinctual responses.
    2:14:04 So this is, you know, it’s problematic.
    2:14:08 And also when men’s testosterone goes down, they get depressed.
    2:14:11 So they don’t perform sexually well.
    2:14:12 They get depressed.
    2:14:13 They feel purposeless.
    2:14:18 They can’t do what they’re instinctually supposed to do,
    2:14:21 which is provide, protect, hunt.
    2:14:24 You know, we talk about DEI.
    2:14:29 I mean, why aren’t we talking about DEI when it comes to men?
    2:14:32 And women, why aren’t we talking about balancing the scales,
    2:14:33 giving men purpose again?
    2:14:38 And honestly, we should be talking about what happens to men
    2:14:40 when they actually do stay home and nurture their young.
    2:14:45 Is there stats to support the idea that if you’re at home raising your kids as a man,
    2:14:47 you have, you struggle in the bedroom?
    2:14:51 So there was some research I know that was going on about that,
    2:14:53 how it affects sex drive.
    2:14:56 But when your testosterone goes down, it does affect sex drive.
    2:14:58 We’re just not talking about it.
    2:15:01 So I have anecdotal patience.
    2:15:07 I have a patient whose wife was a hardcore woman in finance.
    2:15:13 And, you know, he couldn’t, he lost interest in her.
    2:15:18 He had to go out of the marriage and have affairs with women who were more feminine,
    2:15:24 who were more, so he could feel as if he could play that masculine role.
    2:15:25 He couldn’t do that in his marriage.
    2:15:33 And so are we going to see kind of a shift in society as a result of this?
    2:15:34 We’re already seeing it.
    2:15:37 I mean, the other thing that we’re doing is to young boys.
    2:15:39 Let’s talk about what we’re doing to young boys.
    2:15:41 This starts very young.
    2:15:49 We basically educate young boys in a way that really favors girls.
    2:15:53 You know, from a very young age, we talk about being able to sit quietly
    2:15:57 and regulate your emotions and not be aggressive and not be impulsive.
    2:16:00 And these little boys are being diagnosed with ADHDs,
    2:16:02 many of them just for being little boys.
    2:16:04 Little boys need to run around.
    2:16:06 They have a lot of physical energy.
    2:16:07 They have tons of testosterone.
    2:16:11 When you’re like between three and six, you have a surge of testosterone.
    2:16:14 And all you want to do is run and jump and play and be outside.
    2:16:17 And what we’re doing, we’re putting them in school,
    2:16:18 making them sit in circle time.
    2:16:21 So we marginalize them.
    2:16:22 We label them.
    2:16:23 We say they have a problem.
    2:16:27 We say that they have ADHD and they have behavioral problems.
    2:16:30 And in many of them, the stress that I talked about
    2:16:33 is the stress of making little boys be more like little girls.
    2:16:36 And that’s where it starts.
    2:16:38 And so then they go into childhood.
    2:16:43 And again, the educational system favors the way girls learn,
    2:16:45 not the way boys learn.
    2:16:46 How do boys learn?
    2:16:51 Boys have attention spans for very short periods of time.
    2:16:54 And then they need lots of physical activity.
    2:16:58 So ideally, if you go to look at the boys’ schools, what do they do?
    2:17:02 They run the boys like running the dogs in the park.
    2:17:05 They sit for 45 minutes or half an hour,
    2:17:08 but then the boys get time off to run around.
    2:17:11 And then they’ll sit another half an hour and then they’ll run around.
    2:17:13 I mean, they have like four Reese’s periods a day.
    2:17:16 And so that’s really better for boys.
    2:17:21 And little girls have more of a capacity to sit quietly in circle time
    2:17:25 and sort of, you know, they don’t have as much testosterone.
    2:17:27 They don’t have that need to run and jump and play
    2:17:29 to the same degree that little boys do.
    2:17:31 They do need to play.
    2:17:33 We’re not letting our kids play boys and girls
    2:17:37 because we’re trying to force left-brain development on them too early.
    2:17:42 But we are forcing little boys into this box.
    2:17:45 And they’re not doing well in that box.
    2:17:46 And then they’re labeled.
    2:17:49 They’re labeled as having behavioral problems, ADHD,
    2:17:54 and that label then follows them through childhood,
    2:17:57 sometimes into middle school, into high school.
    2:17:59 Yeah.
    2:18:00 What would you change?
    2:18:03 I make you prime minister of the world, president of the world,
    2:18:05 and you can fix this issue.
    2:18:10 Oh, I would have little boys educated separately than little girls in the early years.
    2:18:13 In the early years, I would have boys schools and girls schools
    2:18:14 because little girls learn differently.
    2:18:18 And also, there’s been a lot of evidence to show that in the early years,
    2:18:24 when you do single gender education, little girls will try things,
    2:18:27 will take risks with things that they wouldn’t in front of little boys.
    2:18:31 And little boys will try things that they wouldn’t take risks in front of little girls.
    2:18:34 Like little boys are more likely to try art and painting and music.
    2:18:39 Little girls are more likely to try STEM and math and all these things
    2:18:41 that we talk about little girls should do.
    2:18:47 So the idea is that single gender education in the early years
    2:18:50 is better for little kids because they learn differently.
    2:18:52 What about as it relates to men?
    2:18:56 What would you change to fix the issues you were talking about with testosterone
    2:18:58 and those kinds of issues?
    2:19:01 Talk about it.
    2:19:02 We should be talking about it.
    2:19:04 We don’t talk about this issue.
    2:19:07 How many times have you heard what I just said?
    2:19:12 People don’t talk about the fact that if we’re going to flip this around
    2:19:16 and have men be the nurturers, they’re going to have pretty low testosterone.
    2:19:20 You’re going to have to supplement their testosterone.
    2:19:27 And also, you take their purpose away evolutionarily and they get depressed.
    2:19:31 Women have many sources of self-esteem.
    2:19:36 They have work, they have children, they’re relational.
    2:19:42 And for the most part, historically, men found their self-esteem
    2:19:46 from meaningful and purposeful work and also from protecting their families.
    2:19:50 So what we’ve done is we’ve taken their purposeful work outside the home away.
    2:19:53 We’ve made their purposeful work staying home with children.
    2:19:57 And we’ve lowered the testosterone.
    2:20:00 So if you look at it and say we’re trying to switch,
    2:20:02 it’s like a social experiment.
    2:20:07 We’re trying to change something that’s taken thousands of years of evolution
    2:20:11 to create in just less than 100 years.
    2:20:13 And it’s problematic.
    2:20:16 So what would I do?
    2:20:17 I would talk about it.
    2:20:18 I would have couples talk about it.
    2:20:22 I think they need to talk about the competitiveness.
    2:20:27 I think they need to talk about the envy and the jealousy
    2:20:30 and even the disappointment.
    2:20:34 I mean, a woman who comes home and sees her husband caring for the children,
    2:20:37 on one hand, she might say, “Oh, my husband’s so sweet and lovely
    2:20:38 and I love that he cares for my children.”
    2:20:41 And on the other hand, she says to her friends,
    2:20:46 “I wish he was bringing in more money and I wish he was taking care of me.”
    2:20:48 So it’s problematic.
    2:20:52 There was a longitudinal study done in the Philippines that followed 624 men
    2:20:55 over almost five years and found that those who became fathers
    2:20:58 experienced a significant decline in testosterone levels.
    2:21:01 Specifically newly-partnered fathers had a medium decrease
    2:21:06 of almost 30% in morning testosterone and 35% in evening testosterone,
    2:21:10 which was significantly greater than the declines observed in single non-fathers.
    2:21:15 Moreover, fathers who reported spending three or more hours daily in child care
    2:21:20 had lower testosterone levels compared to those less involved in caregiving.
    2:21:22 And there’s also an impact on co-sleeping,
    2:21:25 where research indicates that fathers who co-sleep with their children
    2:21:27 exhibit lower testosterone levels than those who do not.
    2:21:31 This suggests that close proximity during sleep may further influence
    2:21:34 hormonal changes associated with parental caregiving.
    2:21:38 One of the arguments I’ve heard before as to why men’s testosterone dips
    2:21:43 if they’re new fathers is because it’s an evolutionary reason
    2:21:45 to make us not go out and cheat on our partner and take care of our kids.
    2:21:47 Well, it’s investment in it.
    2:21:51 So either you’re invested in mating or you’re invested in caring.
    2:21:52 Yes, it’s a good plan.
    2:21:58 Yes, and no, because you still need to have testosterone to have a relationship
    2:22:01 with your wife, a satisfying relationship.
    2:22:06 So, and unfortunately, that doesn’t stop men from going out and cheating on their wives,
    2:22:12 because a healthy man would say, you know, well, we used to have sex twice a day every day,
    2:22:16 and now that we have a baby, we only have sex once or twice a week,
    2:22:17 because the baby’s so small.
    2:22:19 And a healthy man would say, that’s enough.
    2:22:21 I can compartmentalize.
    2:22:27 I can write a less healthy man might say, I’m going to go out and get it someplace else,
    2:22:28 because I can’t get it here.
    2:22:33 So, yeah, I mean, there’s nuance to all the questions you’re asking.
    2:22:37 But what I would say is that testosterone going down a little bit
    2:22:39 when you have a baby in the bed is fine.
    2:22:43 But the kind of testosterone we’re talking about going down when you stay home and nurture,
    2:22:47 we’ll see.
    2:22:48 It could be problematic.
    2:22:51 My last question is about devices and technology.
    2:22:54 There’s been a lot of books written recently and a lot of conversation around the impact
    2:22:58 that screen, social media, mobile phones have on children.
    2:23:02 What is your thoughts and philosophy towards raising healthy kids in a world of technology?
    2:23:09 Well, I think it’s the American Pediatric Association says no technology under the age of two,
    2:23:10 for good reason.
    2:23:14 No iPhones, no iPads, right?
    2:23:22 You want to sit and watch a Mr. Rogers when their baby is two together,
    2:23:25 a rerun of Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood, that’s fine.
    2:23:26 But no technology.
    2:23:30 After that, you want to really regulate that technology.
    2:23:31 Now, why is that important?
    2:23:37 Because technology raises dopamine levels in your brain,
    2:23:39 which is why adults get addicted to it too.
    2:23:39 It’s very addictive.
    2:23:43 And the problem is that with adults,
    2:23:49 when you look at technology, it does raise your dopamine,
    2:23:56 but there was some research to show that technology raises a dopamine in an adolescent’s
    2:24:02 brain, tenfold to that of, so in other words, it would be like if you smoked a joint,
    2:24:05 it would make you high.
    2:24:09 If an adolescent smoked the same joint, it would make them 10 times higher.
    2:24:17 It has to do with the sensitivity of the brain to dopamine and the lack of regulation.
    2:24:22 So the prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that regulates emotions,
    2:24:25 and it’s not fully developed till about 25.
    2:24:28 So all that dopamine that has to be regulated
    2:24:31 is more easily regulated in an adult than an adolescent.
    2:24:34 So it’s not good because it leads to addiction.
    2:24:39 Okay, it’s not good because particularly social media, but all kinds of technology,
    2:24:42 they get the amygdala going.
    2:24:46 Remember that little almond-shaped stress-regulating part of the brain?
    2:24:51 It turns on the stress reaction, which you don’t want to do chronically.
    2:24:53 There’s lots of problems with that.
    2:24:59 And in the case of social media with adolescents, particularly adolescent girls,
    2:25:01 it takes advantage.
    2:25:05 I mean, you have to say that this was invented to take advantage.
    2:25:07 It’s not a coincidence.
    2:25:15 It’s manipulatively created because the reason that it’s so bad for teenage girls’ brains
    2:25:20 is because the self-consciousness, the perfectionism,
    2:25:27 is all the brain in a hyper-alert state of stress and fear.
    2:25:35 You’re putting those girls and boys into a hyper-vigilant state of fear and stress, right?
    2:25:37 I have to be perfect.
    2:25:38 I don’t look as good as them.
    2:25:41 My dress isn’t as pretty.
    2:25:47 So you’re putting children into a fear state, and then they can’t separate from the device.
    2:25:48 It’s like they get…
    2:25:56 There was a movie, I think it was called Inception, where you could get stuck in a paradigm.
    2:26:01 You could get stuck in this fantasy and a virtual reality.
    2:26:10 In a way, they get trapped in this paradigm of perfectionism, social isolation, self-consciousness,
    2:26:15 which is all the brain in a hyper-vigilant state of stress.
    2:26:22 So not good at all, not good for adults, much worse for adolescent brains.
    2:26:26 What is the most important thing we should have talked about today that we didn’t talk about so far?
    2:26:34 I think we talked about a lot, but I think what I would say is that
    2:26:42 presence is just so critical to children, and there’s no replacement.
    2:26:47 This idea that we have as a society that caregiving of children
    2:26:54 is something that can be generically assigned to others, that you can delegate,
    2:26:59 Delegate other things to others. Delegate your accounting. Delegate your laundry. Delegate your
    2:27:06 cooking. If you’re a CEO, delegate everything you can, but spend time with your children.
    2:27:15 Your relationship with them, their mental health depends upon it. And that’s not something we say.
    2:27:20 We say, work, work, work, work, make more money, everybody work, work, work, work, work, and your
    2:27:25 children will be just fine. Well, clearly our children are not just fine. What do I do as an
    2:27:30 employer? I employ lots of people and I’m thinking, shit, do I need to give people three years off
    2:27:37 when they have a kid? Is that the… Well, in my opinion, give them as much time off as you
    2:27:43 possibly can. Men and women? Men and women, whoever is the primary attachment figure. I would say
    2:27:50 whoever’s going to really be responsible for caring for that child. But then give them options.
    2:27:56 Give them choices of how to work in the years that their children are very young. Give them
    2:28:04 options to work part-time or to share a job or to work from home half of the week so they don’t
    2:28:11 have to leave their child and still they can work. Give them choices and options that allow them for
    2:28:18 some flexibility and control. If you know that an employee has young children, accept the fact that
    2:28:24 they may need to leave early and not stay as late as other people who don’t have children,
    2:28:29 and that’s going to make the people who don’t have children angry. And you know what? Tough,
    2:28:36 because that’s what those children need. Life isn’t fair. It’s not always fair. And if you want to
    2:28:44 have a child, you too could have that. But the idea of exact parity, tough, because that’s what
    2:28:49 society needs. It needs healthy children. If you’re going to have a child and you need to leave
    2:28:56 every day at four, so you’re home for your children. So flexibility, control, options,
    2:29:01 as much time off in the beginning as possible. You realize that some of the things you say are
    2:29:08 controversial? Almost all of them. Yeah. Why do you say them anyway? Because somebody has to.
    2:29:13 Because they’re the inconvenient truths that are stopping us from having
    2:29:21 healthy children who grow into unhealthy adults. And so somebody has to say these things.
    2:29:28 And if you’re too worried about people liking you, then you don’t sometimes say what needs to be said.
    2:29:33 And fortunately, I don’t care if people like me, but I do care
    2:29:36 that people like their children and want to be with their children.
    2:29:41 So that’s why I say these things. Why is it so personal to you? I can see it in your face.
    2:29:47 Well, then you’d have to ask me about my own personal story. My personal story,
    2:29:52 just to wrap it up quickly, is that my own mother was a very loving mother,
    2:30:00 but could dissociate. And by dissociate, she had a lot of trauma as a child. And I think she
    2:30:06 managed it by emotionally, she was like a little girl. She’s very sweet, but she was like a little
    2:30:13 girl. And so I couldn’t always feel her. I couldn’t, she was like sand that slipped through my
    2:30:18 fingers. So I can remember the pain, but she was, she was there physically, but I could remember
    2:30:26 the pain of the absence of her mind. And she could feel for me, which is why I have such compassion.
    2:30:32 But she couldn’t think about me. So there’s two things parents have to be able to do for children.
    2:30:38 They have to be able to feel for them. They have to feel empathy for their pain, for their distress.
    2:30:43 They cannot look away from their children’s pain and distress. You cannot look away. You do not
    2:30:49 have the luxury of looking away from your children’s distress, but you also have to be able to think
    2:30:55 about them and be able to think about who they are. My mother could feel for me, but she couldn’t
    2:31:01 think about me because she would dissociate. So my own personal pain is having had a loving mother
    2:31:09 who had some limitations. And so it made me want to be a better mother, but it also made me want to
    2:31:15 treat people who want to be better mothers and fathers. What were the symptoms that that had on
    2:31:23 you as a young woman growing up as an adolescent? I struggled socially and I struggled with my
    2:31:31 identity and personally and self-esteem, I would say. And it wasn’t until I went into therapy.
    2:31:40 Oh, I tried a lot of things in my 20s. I worked in television production. I worked on Capitol Hill.
    2:31:47 I worked in many public relations. And in the end, I found myself sitting in my therapist’s
    2:31:54 office one day and looking around and saying, “This is where I want to be. I want to be.
    2:31:59 I want to do what she does. And I want to help people the way she’s helped me.”
    2:32:05 So that relationship with my first therapist and then my second therapist and, you know,
    2:32:12 as psychoanalysts, we have to be in treatment for many, many, many years because the point is
    2:32:20 we have to work on ourselves so deeply that we don’t do harm to patients inadvertently
    2:32:24 with our own issues. So we have to be very, as we say, very organized as a person.
    2:32:32 But yeah, so that’s my personal story and why mothering is so important to me and the vulnerability
    2:32:38 of babies is so important to me. Erika, we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the
    2:32:42 last guest leaves a question for the next guest not knowing who they are leaving it for.
    2:32:50 And the question that has been left for you is, “What does your obituary say?”
    2:33:00 Oh my gosh. I’m going to know who left that. You’re going to tell me after. Oh boy, what does my
    2:33:17 obituary say? Kind, generous, compassionate, fervent in her beliefs, stubborn as hell,
    2:33:26 a good friend, a good mother, a wonderful wife. Yeah.
    2:33:36 I think it will. I certainly think it will. And I think there’ll also be
    2:33:41 an additional couple of sentences there that speak to the value that you’ve given to the world
    2:33:44 through the work that you do. Now, people might not agree with everything you say because people
    2:33:51 have lots of different opinions on these subjects, but I’m of the opinion that people who are willing
    2:33:56 to deliver their thoughts, their truth based on the science that they’ve experienced and that
    2:34:00 they’ve read and what they’ve studied and the experiences that they’ve had, the clients that
    2:34:05 they’ve seen is so unbelievably important because I think if we look back through history, progress
    2:34:10 has occurred when people have dissented from the accepted narrative. In fact, I probably wouldn’t
    2:34:15 be able to sit here in America as a black man if it wasn’t for people who had the courage of their
    2:34:20 convictions to dissent from certain narratives. And so I’ve always, I think, have had it hardwired
    2:34:27 into me that disagreement is productive, especially when it’s well meaning. And that’s exactly
    2:34:34 how I see your work. I think that you’re challenging a narrative, bringing evidence and a new opinion
    2:34:38 to the table, a different perspective that I think is very, very important for so many. And
    2:34:42 it’s been so interesting for me because I’ve struggled, you know, I’m approaching that season
    2:34:47 of life where I become a father and I’m reading all this stuff about leave your kid to cry on the
    2:34:54 floor in the supermarket or put them in timeout or… Oh, I am so giving you my number. Yeah.
    2:34:59 I’ve been trying to wade through this storm of like parenting advice and bullshit and stuff. And
    2:35:04 it’s really wonderful to hear your perspective because it is a counter perspective. It’s the
    2:35:10 perspective that nobody really wants to say out loud. And therefore, for me, it’s useful.
    2:35:12 Thank you, Erica. Thank you so much for your time and generosity today. I really,
    2:35:16 really appreciate it. And please continue to do the work you do. And I’m very excited for
    2:35:22 your upcoming book. I think it’s next year, isn’t it? It is. About divorces. If anyone wants to find
    2:35:26 more of your work, we’ve got these two exceptional books here, Being There, Why Prioritising Motherhood
    2:35:30 is the first in the first three years matters, which is a wonderful book that was published in
    2:35:34 2017, I believe. And then this one here, Chicken Little, The Sky Isn’t Falling, Raising Resilient
    2:35:40 Adolescents in the New Age of Anxiety, which was published in ’21, I believe. I’ll link both of these
    2:35:44 below. I highly recommend you read these books if you’re interested in these subjects like I am.
    2:35:55 But where else can people find you? www.komisar.com. And also at Attachment Circles, the website should
    2:36:03 be up and running soon. If you’re looking for community and education, come to Attachment
    2:36:07 Circles. Great. I’ll link both of those below wherever you’re listening to this now. Erica,
    2:36:11 thank you. Thank you for having me. Some of the most successful, fascinating and insightful people
    2:36:15 in the world have sat across from me at this table. And at the end of every conversation,
    2:36:20 I asked them to leave a question behind in the famous diary of a CEO. And it’s a question
    2:36:24 designed to spark the kind of conversations that matter most, the kind of conversations that can
    2:36:30 change your life. We then take those questions and we put them on these cards. On every single card,
    2:36:36 you can see the person who left the question, the question they asked. And on the other side,
    2:36:41 if you scan that barcode, you can see who answered it next. Something I know a lot of you’ve wanted
    2:36:46 to know. And the only way to find out is by getting yourself some conversation cards,
    2:36:49 which you can play at home with friends and family, at work with colleagues,
    2:36:53 and also with total strangers on holiday. I’ll put a link to the conversation cards in the
    2:36:57 description below. And you can get yours at thediary.com.
    2:37:19 [Music]
    2:37:21 (upbeat music)
    Một trong năm trẻ em sẽ không rời bỏ tuổi thơ mà không phát triển một căn bệnh tâm thần nghiêm trọng. Sự lo âu, trầm cảm, ADHD, các vấn đề hành vi, và điều khiến tôi bực bội là chúng ta không thực sự giáo dục hoặc nói với cha mẹ sự thật về lý do tại sao. Tại sao những gì bạn nói lại gây lo ngại cho nhiều người? Đôi khi, sự thật là một sự thật bất tiện, nhưng mọi điều tôi sắp nói đều có sự hỗ trợ từ nghiên cứu.
    Erica Camusar là một chuyên gia nuôi dạy trẻ và nhà phân tích tâm lý, người đã sử dụng hơn 30 năm nghiên cứu để thách thức các chuẩn mực xã hội về nuôi dạy trẻ và sự phát triển trẻ nhỏ. Có nhiều huyền thoại cần phải được bác bỏ về cách nuôi dạy một đứa trẻ khỏe mạnh. Và huyền thoại đầu tiên là nhà trẻ tốt cho trẻ em vì mục đích xã hội hóa. Không, điều đó rất tồi tệ cho não của trẻ và đã được biết đến là làm tăng sự bạo lực, các vấn đề hành vi, và rối loạn gắn bó, bởi vì trẻ sơ sinh cần mẹ của chúng dành ba năm đầu đời để có được sự an toàn cảm xúc.
    Cha có thể làm điều đó không? Vì vậy, những người cha cũng quan trọng theo những cách khác, và tôi sẽ giải thích tất cả điều đó. Nhưng cả cha và mẹ đều rất quan trọng, bởi vì nếu bạn lớn lên mà không có một trong hai, bạn sẽ thiếu một phần. Và còn có chất lượng so với thời gian số lượng. Bạn cần có mặt một khoảng thời gian chất lượng cũng như thời gian số lượng, bạn không thể có một sự nghiệp tuyệt vời và rồi về nhà và có mặt cho con cái theo ý của mình. Nó cần phải diễn ra theo thời gian của chúng và còn nhiều hơn nữa.
    Chúng ta sẽ đi qua tất cả những điều đó, nhưng có bất kỳ lĩnh vực đặc quyền nào mà bạn cần phải thừa nhận không? Có thể là một ai đó không có bạn đời bên cạnh hoặc một ai đó đang ở trong tình huống kinh tế cực kỳ khó khăn. Tôi có, nhưng có nhiều cách để xử lý sáng tạo vấn đề và tôi sẽ đi qua từng điều một.
    Tôi muốn giữ cho The Diary of a CEO miễn phí và không bị rào cản thanh toán hay mô hình đăng ký mãi mãi. Và cách chúng tôi làm điều đó là bạn chọn theo dõi và đăng ký chương trình này. Vì vậy, nếu bạn đang nghe chương trình ngay bây giờ, có thể bạn đã nhận được tập này, có thể bạn đã nghe một vài tập trước đó, bạn có thể làm ơn cho tôi một ân huệ? Và nếu bạn làm điều này cho tôi, tôi hứa rằng tôi sẽ chiến đấu trong từng giai đoạn trong 10 năm tới để giữ cho chương trình này hoàn toàn miễn phí, không có rào cản thanh toán và không có bất kỳ loại chi phí nào cho người sử dụng. Bạn có thể nhấn nút theo dõi không? Nút theo dõi sẽ ở trên ứng dụng mà bạn đang nghe ngay bây giờ. Có thể là Spotify, Apple hoặc một cái gì đó tương tự. Nhưng việc nhấn nút theo dõi, thường nằm ở góc của ứng dụng hoặc một cái tick nhỏ, là lý do mà chương trình này sẽ ở lại miễn phí mãi mãi, mãi mãi. Cảm ơn rất nhiều. Nếu bạn làm điều đó cho tôi, cảm ơn rất nhiều. Tôi thực sự trân trọng điều đó. Quay trở lại với tập phim.
    Erica, bạn rõ ràng đang trên một sứ mệnh. Và tôi nhận được năng lượng từ bạn rằng thực sự có một ý tưởng mà bạn tin rằng nhiều người trên thế giới không tin hoặc đang gặp khó khăn trong việc chấp nhận theo một cách nào đó. Nhưng đó là một ý tưởng quan trọng. Sứ mệnh của bạn là gì? Tôi thích nghĩ về nó như ba chữ P, sự hiện diện, ưu tiên và phòng ngừa. Và tôi sẽ đi qua từng điều một.
    Sứ mệnh của tôi là giáo dục các bậc phụ huynh, các chính sách và những người làm nghề lâm sàng và giáo dục về sự thật rằng để trẻ em có được sức khỏe tâm thần trong tương lai, bạn phải hiện diện cả về thể chất và cảm xúc cho chúng suốt thời thơ ấu, nhưng đặc biệt trong hai giai đoạn phát triển não bộ quan trọng, đó là từ 0 đến 3 và từ 9 đến 25, giai đoạn vị thành niên.
    Vì vậy, trong hai giai đoạn phát triển não bộ quan trọng này, đặc biệt là từ 0 đến 3, phần lớn sự phát triển của một đứa trẻ phụ thuộc vào môi trường của chúng và bạn là môi trường của chúng. Vì vậy, tôi chạy khắp nơi trên thế giới nói về tầm quan trọng của sự hiện diện thể chất và cảm xúc, an toàn gắn bó. An toàn gắn bó là nền tảng cho sức khỏe tâm thần sau này.
    Về sự ưu tiên, hôm nay chúng ta ưu tiên mọi thứ khác ngoài các con của mình. Chúng ta ưu tiên công việc, sự nghiệp, thành công vật chất, mong muốn và thú vui cá nhân, nhưng điều mà chúng ta không ưu tiên là trẻ em. Và đó là một vấn đề bởi vì nếu chúng ta không ưu tiên cho chúng,m chúng sẽ sụp đổ. Chúng có thể sụp đổ ở tuổi ba, chúng có thể sụp đổ ở tuổi tám, hoặc chúng có thể không sụp đổ cho đến khi chúng ở tuổi vị thành niên, nhưng cuối cùng chúng cũng sẽ sụp đổ.
    Còn về phòng ngừa, có rất nhiều điều mà chúng ta có thể làm. Chúng ta đang đối mặt với một cuộc khủng hoảng sức khỏe tâm thần ngay bây giờ trên toàn thế giới. Nó thay đổi đến một mức độ nhất định ở Mỹ. Một trong năm trẻ em sẽ không rời bỏ tuổi thơ mà không sụp đổ ở một thời điểm nào đó, mà không phát triển một căn bệnh tâm thần nghiêm trọng, sự lo âu, trầm cảm, ADHD, các vấn đề hành vi, suy nghĩ tự sát. Vậy chúng ta có một vấn đề ở Vương Quốc Anh. Tỷ lệ là một trong sáu ở Mỹ. Tỷ lệ là một trong năm trên toàn cầu. Khoảng một trong năm. Đó là một con số gây sốc. Và sự thật là chúng ta có thể làm rất nhiều để ngăn chặn điều đó.
    Ý tưởng rằng chúng ta đang cố gắng dập tắt những đám cháy mà không nói về nguồn gốc của những vấn đề này. Cách mà hệ thống chăm sóc sức khỏe tâm thần hoạt động hiện nay giống như điều mà tôi gọi là cắt cỏ. Trẻ em thì được kê đơn thuốc, điều này cơ bản chỉ là quản lý cơn đau. Chúng được cho điều trị CBT, mà một lần nữa chỉ là quản lý cơn đau. Nhưng tại sao chúng ta không đặt ra những câu hỏi quan trọng? Đó là nơi mà sự điều chỉnh cảm xúc bắt nguồn từ đâu? Nó đến từ đâu? Khi nào thì nó bắt đầu? Làm thế nào chúng ta có thể thúc đẩy sự phát triển của trẻ em từ rất nhỏ để tăng cường sức đề kháng, chống lại căng thẳng và khó khăn trong tương lai?
    Và đó là ba sứ mệnh của tôi. Và đối với những ai không biết về công việc của bạn và không nhận ra bạn, họ có thể đang nghĩ, làm thế nào bạn biết, Erica? Làm thế nào bạn biết câu trả lời? Tôi là một nhà phân tích tâm lý. Tôi cũng là một nhân viên xã hội. Tôi bắt đầu với tư cách là một nhân viên xã hội và sau đó trở thành một nhà phân tích tâm lý. Tôi cũng là tác giả của các cuốn sách về hướng dẫn nuôi dạy trẻ và giáo dục phụ huynh. Và tôi đã thực hành trong việc khám bệnh. Vậy phần lớn công việc của tôi vẫn là khám bệnh. Tôi có một công việc toàn thời gian trong việc khám bệnh. Và là một người cũng là cha mẹ, tôi có ba đứa trẻ riêng của mình.
    Và vì vậy, với tư cách là một bậc phụ huynh, một chuyên gia lâm sàng, một tác giả đã nghiên cứu trong suốt 20 năm qua, tôi đã thu thập các nghiên cứu về di truyền biểu sinh, lý thuyết gắn bó và neuroscience, và viết cuốn sách đầu tiên của mình, “Đứng Bên Nhau”. Bởi vì những gì đã xảy ra là tôi đã thấy sự gia tăng bệnh tâm thần ở trẻ em. Đây thực sự là lý do tôi bước vào lĩnh vực này.
    Khoảng 30 năm trước, tôi bắt đầu hành nghề, khoảng 36 năm trước. Nhưng có lẽ tôi đã hành nghề được 5 năm và tôi nhận thấy rằng những gia đình đến gặp tôi có những đứa trẻ ngày càng nhỏ tuổi hơn được chẩn đoán mắc các bệnh tâm thần rất nghiêm trọng và được điều trị bằng thuốc từ rất sớm, về cơ bản là để im lặng nỗi đau của chúng. Và những gì tôi quan sát thấy trong thực hành của mình là những đứa trẻ không phát triển tốt nhất là những trẻ có mẹ ít hiện diện nhất trong cuộc sống của chúng. Vậy nên, những người gắn bó chính của chúng là những người ít có mặt nhất trong cuộc sống của chúng.
    Vì thế, tôi bắt đầu tìm hiểu các nghiên cứu. Tôi đã xem xét tất cả các nghiên cứu neuroscience từ những năm 90 và tất cả các nghiên cứu mới… các nghiên cứu mới đã được công bố. Tôi đã xem xét các lý thuyết gắn bó cũ, đã tồn tại từ những năm 60. Và tôi cũng xem xét nghiên cứu di truyền biểu sinh, cũng khá mới mẻ. Và tôi thấy một xu hướng, tôi nhận ra rằng chúng ta đã từ chối trẻ em của mình vì những mong muốn của chính mình, vì sự nghiệp, vì thành công vật chất. Và có rất nhiều sự hiểu lầm về những nhu cầu cảm xúc không thể giảm thiểu của trẻ em. Hôm nay chúng ta sẽ đi qua tất cả những điều đó. Tôi rất hào hứng để tìm hiểu thêm về tất cả điều này.
    Tôi không phải là một bậc phụ huynh. Từ tất cả các nghiên cứu mà chúng tôi đã thực hiện, bạn có ba đứa trẻ rất điều chỉnh tốt. Vì vậy, chúc mừng bạn về điều đó. Và tôi hy vọng một ngày nào đó tôi cũng sẽ có những đứa trẻ thành công. Nhưng tôi cũng thực sự quan tâm đến việc hiểu chính bản thân mình thông qua công việc mà bạn đã làm và công việc mà bạn tiếp tục thực hiện, vì tất cả chúng ta đều từng là trẻ em. Và nhiều dấu ấn của những trải nghiệm đầu đời vẫn còn tồn tại trong chúng ta ngày nay. Vì vậy, tôi rất muốn hiểu cách mà những điều có thể đã xảy ra với tôi hoặc bất kỳ ai đang lắng nghe hôm nay, khi chúng tôi còn trẻ, có thể đã hình thành chúng tôi theo những cách tiến bộ xã hội hoặc chống đối xã hội, hoặc theo những cách có ích hoặc không hữu ích.
    Bạn đã đề cập rằng bạn vẫn gặp gỡ khách hàng và bệnh nhân hôm nay. Bạn gặp loại bệnh nhân nào? Họ đang phải đối mặt với vấn đề gì? Và họ là ai? Bạn có đang gặp gỡ các bậc phụ huynh, trẻ em, hay cả hai không? Ồ, tôi có một thực hành tư vấn phụ huynh rất lớn vì những cuốn sách mà tôi viết. Trong các bài viết của tôi, tôi cũng viết cho The Wall Street Journal và các tờ báo khác. Vì vậy, bạn biết đấy, mọi người tìm thấy tôi qua các bài viết của tôi và sau đó họ liên lạc để tìm sự giúp đỡ. Và vì vậy, việc tư vấn phụ huynh về cơ bản có nghĩa là mọi người đến gặp tôi, có thể cả hai bậc phụ huynh hoặc một bậc phụ huynh, vì họ có câu hỏi về sự phát triển của đứa trẻ hoặc có điều gì đó đang không đúng. Đứa trẻ bắt đầu phát triển các triệu chứng và họ không muốn cho chúng dùng thuốc. Họ muốn hiểu những gì thực sự là nguyên nhân gốc rễ của vấn đề. Và đó là một phần lớn trong thực hành của tôi.
    Nhưng tôi cũng gặp gỡ các bệnh nhân cá nhân về chứng trầm cảm và lo âu. Và tôi gặp cặp đôi và, bạn biết đấy, có một câu đùa về phân tâm học, tất cả chúng ta đều là những chuyên gia về trầm cảm và lo âu. Nhưng đúng vậy, tôi gặp cá nhân và cặp đôi, nhưng có rất nhiều công việc tư vấn phụ huynh. Và họ đến với bạn thường vì họ nhận thấy có điều gì đó không đúng với đứa trẻ của họ? Đôi khi họ sẽ đến một cách phòng ngừa vì họ muốn nuôi dạy một đứa trẻ khỏe mạnh. Và có quá nhiều tiếng ồn trắng trong xã hội. Có quá nhiều thông tin sai lệch. Bản năng của chúng ta là cần phải gần gũi với trẻ. Thúc đẩy tiến hóa của chúng ta là tạo cảm giác an toàn và bảo mật cho trẻ em và phải hiện diện nhiều nhất có thể, và xoa dịu chúng khi chúng gặp khó khăn, và có mặt để truyền đạt cho chúng những giá trị của chúng ta.
    Nhưng xã hội đã chuyển hướng. Nó đã chuyển hướng từ, tôi cho rằng bạn có thể nói rằng trở về cuộc cách mạng công nghiệp. Nếu tôi thực sự muốn quay trở lại, tôi sẽ nói rằng cuộc cách mạng công nghiệp là một thời điểm khi phụ nữ bị buộc phải vào nơi làm việc trong các nhà máy và thành phố, bạn biết đấy, họ đã bị tách rời khỏi trẻ em lần đầu tiên. Nhưng thực sự, sự chuyển hướng mà xã hội đã đổi mới mà tôi nghĩ có nhiều liên quan đến những gì đang xảy ra hôm nay là phong trào “tôi” của những năm 60 và phong trào nữ quyền. Cả hai phong trào đó, mặc dù có tác động tích cực đáng kể đến xã hội theo một cách nào đó, cũng có tác động tiêu cực đáng kể đến xã hội. Khi phụ nữ quyết định rằng việc đi làm và làm việc toàn thời gian ngoài nhà là điều tuyệt vời, bạn biết đấy, mọi người đã hoan nghênh và nói, tuyệt quá, bạn biết đấy, phụ nữ có cùng quyền lợi như nam giới và bây giờ mọi người có thể tham gia vào lực lượng lao động, trở nên độc lập, kiếm tiền và làm điều mà họ muốn. Tôi, tôi, tôi, tôi, tôi.
    Vấn đề là trẻ em bị bỏ lại. Chúng bị bỏ rơi và những nhu cầu của chúng, vốn không phải là những nhu cầu có thể thay đổi vì xã hội thay đổi vì chúng có các nhu cầu cảm xúc thần kinh không thể giảm thiểu. Vì vậy, chúng ta biết rằng trẻ sơ sinh được sinh ra với sự dễ bị tổn thương về thần kinh và cảm xúc. Và điều đó có nghĩa là chúng không sinh ra với khả năng hồi phục. Và ngày nay, điều đang được dự đoán cho trẻ sơ sinh là chúng có thể chịu đựng được nhiều thứ. Chúng có thể chịu đựng được căng thẳng. Chúng có thể chịu đựng được việc tách biệt. Chúng có thể chịu đựng việc bạn quay lại làm việc sau sáu tuần hoặc ba tháng và để chúng ở nhà trẻ với những người lạ hoặc, bạn biết đấy, từ góc độ tiến hóa, trẻ sơ sinh luôn cần sự tiếp xúc da kề da với mẹ trong năm đầu tiên. Ở hầu hết các phần của thế giới, trẻ sơ sinh được bế trên cơ thể của mẹ vì các bà mẹ thực hiện một số chức năng rất quan trọng cho trẻ sơ sinh, đó là những chức năng sinh học dựa trên nhu cầu tiến hóa của chúng ta để cung cấp cho trẻ sơ sinh những gì chúng ta gọi là sự an toàn gắn bó. Vì vậy, bạn biết đấy, xã hội đã chuyển hướng và đã gây ra rất nhiều thiệt hại. Tôi có nghĩa là, cuộc khủng hoảng sức khỏe tâm thần ở trẻ em, tôi đã thấy điều này 30 năm trước.
    Và thực sự, bạn biết đấy, tôi có những người bạn và đồng nghiệp như Jonathan Hyde, người nói: “Ồ, nó không bắt đầu cho đến khi có mạng xã hội.” Và đó là sai bởi vì tôi đã thấy sự gia tăng này. Nếu bạn thật sự nhìn vào, đã có sự gia tăng bệnh tâm lý ở trẻ em từ nhiều thập kỷ trước. Nó liên quan đến sự thay đổi trong xã hội theo hướng tự mãn, theo hướng ích kỷ, theo hướng cá nhân chủ nghĩa, theo tôi, tôi, tôi. Và vì vậy, tôi luôn nói rằng bạn không cần phải có con, nói chung, để có một cuộc sống thoả mãn. Nhưng nếu bạn dự định có con, bạn cần phải chuẩn bị để chăm sóc chúng. Bởi vì việc chỉ có con mà không thực sự hiểu điều đó có nghĩa là chăm sóc chúng và không chuẩn bị để đảm nhận trách nhiệm đó đang khiến trẻ em của chúng ta suy sụp. Tại sao bạn lại đề cập đến mẹ mà không phải cha trong điều đó? Bởi vì bạn dường như nhấn mạnh vào vai trò mà một người mẹ chơi, và theo quan điểm của bạn thì điều đó dường như quan trọng hơn vai trò của một người cha, hoặc có thể thậm chí là của một người giúp việc hoặc một người chăm sóc khác. Và tôi nhận thấy điều đó trong cuốn sách đầu tiên của bạn, viết vào năm 2017, trên bìa có ghi: “Tại sao việc ưu tiên mẹ lại quan trọng trong ba năm đầu tiên?” Về mặt khoa học, tiến hóa, với các nghiên cứu và tài liệu, bạn có thể lập luận với tôi để khiến tôi tin rằng vai trò của người mẹ đặc biệt là thiết yếu so với một người cha hoặc người chăm sóc khác không? Thực tế, trong cuốn sách, nó nói về sự khác biệt giữa mẹ và cha, vì đó là một câu hỏi quan trọng. Và lý do tôi viết về các bà mẹ không phải vì các ông bố là không quan trọng, mà vì các ông bố quan trọng theo cách khác. Vậy nên có một cuộc tranh luận to lớn trong xã hội về loại ý tưởng trung lập giới tính này, rằng các bà mẹ và các ông bố có thể hoán đổi cho nhau. Nhưng thực sự, từ góc độ tiến hóa, như những loài động vật có vú, họ không thể hoán đổi cho nhau. Họ đảm nhiệm những chức năng khác nhau. Và những vai trò và hành vi đó liên quan đến các hormone nuôi dưỡng. Vì vậy, các bà mẹ thực sự rất quan trọng cho những gì chúng ta gọi là chăm sóc nhạy cảm và đồng cảm khi trẻ em còn là trẻ sơ sinh và trẻ nhỏ. Điều đó có nghĩa là khi trẻ em gặp khó khăn, các bà mẹ xoa dịu trẻ con và do đó điều chỉnh cảm xúc của chúng từ khoảnh khắc này sang khoảnh khắc khác. Mỗi lần một người mẹ xoa dịu một em bé bằng tiếp xúc da và ánh mắt, và với giọng nói êm dịu của mình, cô ấy đang tập trung vào nỗi đau của em bé đó, và cô ấy đang điều chỉnh cảm xúc của em bé. Cách tôi thích nghĩ về điều đó là khi em bé ra đời, chúng được sinh ra với cảm xúc rời rạc. Hãy tưởng tượng như là buồm ra biển Đại Tây Dương. Cảm xúc của em bé đi như thế này. Chúng sẽ tăng từ 0 lên 60 trong vòng ba giây với cảm xúc của chúng. Và nơi mà chúng ta muốn đưa em bé đến là buồm ra biển Caribe. Không phải là phẳng lì. Nhưng chúng ta muốn chúng có thể điều chỉnh cảm xúc của mình, nhưng chúng không được sinh ra theo cách đó. Và vì vậy, các bà mẹ, vì họ xoa dịu em bé từ khoảnh khắc này sang khoảnh khắc khác, khi họ có mặt cả về thể chất lẫn cảm xúc đủ trong ba năm đầu tiên, họ giúp em bé học cách điều chỉnh cảm xúc của mình. Vì vậy, đến ba tuổi, 85% não bên phải đã được phát triển. Và đến ba tuổi, em bé có thể bắt đầu nội tâm hóa khả năng điều chỉnh cảm xúc của chính mình. Bây giờ nếu các bà mẹ không có mặt như là những nhân vật gắn bó chính để thực hiện việc phản chiếu cảm xúc đó, để làm dịu những cảm xúc của chúng, thì em bé không học được cách điều chỉnh cảm xúc. Điều khác quan trọng mà các bà mẹ làm là họ bảo vệ em bé khỏi căng thẳng bằng cách đeo chúng trên cơ thể trong năm đầu tiên. Và sau đó bằng việc có mặt nhiều nhất có thể trong ba năm, họ thực sự bảo vệ não của em bé khỏi cortisol, hormone căng thẳng. Vậy có một hormone gọi là oxytocin. Đó là hormone tình yêu, và nó bảo vệ khỏi cortisol. Càng nhiều, một người mẹ nuôi dưỡng với chăm sóc nhạy cảm và đồng cảm, có nghĩa là khi em bé khóc, người mẹ sẽ nói, “Ôi, cưng, để mẹ xem cái boo boo. Để mẹ hôn cái boo boo.” Điều đó thực sự làm tăng lượng oxytocin trong não của em bé, nhằm bảo vệ em bé khỏi cortisol. Một người cha có thể làm điều đó không? Vậy hiện giờ, tại sao các ông bố lại quan trọng? Các ông bố cũng sản xuất oxytocin, nhưng nó có ảnh hưởng khác đến não của họ. Đối với các bà mẹ, oxytocin làm cho các bà mẹ trở thành những người nuôi dưỡng nhạy cảm và đồng cảm, rất cảnh giác với sự khổ sở của em bé. Khi các ông bố sản xuất oxytocin, nó đến từ một phần khác trong não của họ, và nó làm cho họ giống như những người tạo ra sự vui chơi, kích thích cho em bé. Điều đó nghe như thế nào với bạn? Những người tạo ra sự vui chơi cho em bé. Ném em bé lên không trung và chụp em bé, và chạy theo em bé, và vui đùa. Và điều đó quan trọng vì nhiều lý do. Đầu tiên, nó khuyến khích những điều như sự khám phá và sự chấp nhận rủi ro. Nó khuyến khích sự tách biệt. Và các ông bố thực hiện một điều thực sự quan trọng, đó là họ giúp em bé học cách điều chỉnh một số cảm xúc nhất định. Vì vậy, các bà mẹ giúp điều chỉnh nỗi buồn, nỗi sợ, sự khổ sở. Các ông bố giúp điều chỉnh sự phấn khích và sự hung hăng. Vì vậy, khi các ông bố không có trong nhà, khi có những bà mẹ đơn thân nuôi dạy con cái mà không có người cha, thường thì những cậu bé phát triển các vấn đề hành vi, đó là điều mà chúng tôi đang thấy, rằng họ không thể điều chỉnh sự hung hăng của mình. Bởi vì các ông bố giúp đỡ những cậu bé, đặc biệt, nhưng cả những cô bé nữa, để điều chỉnh sự hung hăng. Vì vậy, khi các ông bố không có mặt, bạn thường thấy những cậu bé có hành vi bốc đồng hơn, có phần hung hăng hơn. Vậy câu trả lời là, cả cha và mẹ đều rất quan trọng đối với sự phát triển của trẻ em, điều này là một điều rất gây tranh cãi để nói vào ngày nay, vì nếu bạn lớn lên mà thiếu một trong hai người, bạn đang thiếu một phần. Nhưng họ không giống nhau. Và họ không giống nhau vì hormone của chúng ta quy định rằng họ không giống nhau. Vì vậy, các ông bố sản xuất một hormone với số lượng lớn gọi là vasopressin. Vasopressin là hormone bảo vệ và hung hăng.
    Và nó có tác dụng gì?
    Nó giúp các ông bố bảo vệ gia đình của họ.
    Có một nghiên cứu được thực hiện ở đó, các bà mẹ và các ông bố nằm trên giường.
    Và em bé khóc.
    Nghiên cứu này được tiến hành ở Anh.
    Em bé khóc.
    Và người cha ngủ say trong tiếng khóc của em bé.
    Còn các bà mẹ thì tỉnh dậy ngay lập tức.
    Được rồi. Nhưng với tiếng lá xào xạc ở bên ngoài cửa sổ,
    các bà mẹ vẫn ngủ say, còn các ông bố thì tỉnh dậy ngay lập tức.
    Bởi vì các ông bố nhạy cảm với mối đe dọa từ kẻ săn mồi.
    Vì vậy, hormone nuôi dưỡng của chúng ta khiến chúng ta khác biệt.
    Ý tôi là, thực tế là chúng ta có thể nói rằng có nhiều điều tương đồng
    giữa phụ nữ và nam giới, tất nhiên, chúng ta đều thông minh.
    Cả hai chúng ta đều có thể có tham vọng.
    Nhưng tôi nghĩ ý tưởng rằng chúng ta muốn biến mọi thứ giống nhau
    khi mà thực tế nó không như vậy.
    Đó là sự thật không thoải mái mà hormone nuôi dưỡng của các bà mẹ và ông bố
    quy định rằng nếu họ khỏe mạnh và được nuôi dưỡng trong một môi trường lành mạnh,
    họ sẽ khác nhau.
    Bây giờ, điều đó có nghĩa là một người cha không thể nuôi dạy một đứa trẻ và làm một người chăm sóc nhạy cảm, đồng cảm không?
    Điều đó không có nghĩa là anh ấy không thể đảm nhận vai trò đó.
    Nhưng nếu như xã hội không thể thừa nhận sự khác biệt,
    thì một người cha không thể học được cách trở thành một người chăm sóc nhạy cảm, đồng cảm.
    Có nghĩa là đây là những hành vi bản năng.
    Và vì vậy đứa trẻ, nếu người cha quyết định ở nhà với em bé đó,
    việc thừa nhận sự khác biệt cho phép người cha trở thành một người chăm sóc nhạy cảm, đồng cảm.
    Thật thú vị vì đây không phải là những ý tưởng được xã hội chấp nhận,
    hoặc ít nhất là những ý tưởng bạn thấy trên mạng xã hội.
    Và thật hài hước, khi bạn đang nói,
    tôi đã ghi âm mọi điều bạn nói và cho nó chạy qua AI.
    Và AI nói rằng những ý tưởng cốt lõi mà bạn chia sẻ được hỗ trợ tốt bởi tâm lý học tiến hóa
    và khoa học thần kinh, điều này khá bất ngờ bởi vì thông thường AI tranh cãi với con người.
    Ý tôi là, thực tế là, không có cuốn sách nào tôi viết dựa trên ý kiến.
    Vì vậy, tôi rất ngần ngại khi nói bất cứ điều gì không được hỗ trợ bởi nghiên cứu.
    Vì vậy, mọi thứ tôi viết và nói đều được nghiên cứu hỗ trợ.
    Tại sao những điều bạn nói lại gây khó chịu cho một số người như vậy?
    Bạn biết tại sao mà, đúng không?
    Bởi vì nó khiến chúng ta phải đối mặt với một loạt thực tế mà…
    Đó là một sự thật không thoải mái, để trích dẫn Al Gore.
    Đó là một sự thật không thoải mái.
    Đôi khi sự thật là một sự thật không thoải mái.
    Giống như biến đổi khí hậu cũng là một sự thật không thoải mái.
    Đây là một sự thật không thoải mái.
    Nó làm phiền lòng mọi người.
    Nó cũng khiến mọi người cảm thấy tội lỗi.
    Vì vậy, tôi không tin rằng cảm giác tội lỗi là một cảm giác xấu.
    Tôi không tin rằng cảm giác tội lỗi là một điều xấu.
    Cảm giác tội lỗi là dấu hiệu cho thấy cái tôi của bạn đang hoạt động.
    Nó là dấu hiệu cho thấy phần của bạn, phần cái tôi gọi là siêu cái tôi,
    có thể nhận ra điều gì đúng và sai.
    Vì vậy, nếu bạn nhìn vào một em bé đang khóc, đó là em bé của bạn và bạn không cảm thấy gì,
    điều đó có nghĩa là có một phần của bạn đã chết bên trong.
    Có một phần của bạn không có sự đồng cảm đối với con cái của chính mình.
    Và chúng ta sẽ nói rằng điều đó không khiến người đó trở thành một người xấu.
    Nó khiến người đó có thể là một người đã trải qua một số chấn thương từ nhỏ, đúng không?
    Điều đó có nghĩa là họ có thể có một số loại rối loạn gắn bó
    mà họ không thể đồng cảm với nỗi đau của em bé, đúng không?
    Vì vậy, khi bạn cảm thấy tội lỗi, điều đó có nghĩa là bạn có xung đột nội tâm.
    Điều đó có nghĩa là hai phần của bạn đang đấu tranh với nhau.
    Phần của bạn muốn làm bất cứ điều gì bạn muốn làm.
    Tôi muốn ra ngoài làm việc.
    Tôi muốn kiếm tiền.
    Tôi muốn tự do, bạn biết không?
    Và phần khác của bạn nói, “Đợi đã.
    Nhưng em bé của tôi, em bé của tôi cần tôi.
    Hãy nhìn em bé dễ tổn thương của tôi.
    Hãy nhìn xem nó buồn như thế nào.
    Hãy nhìn xem sự vắng mặt của tôi đang gây ra nỗi đau cho em bé đó.”
    Vì vậy, nếu chúng ta không cảm thấy tội lỗi, thì loài của chúng ta đã mất.
    Chúng ta đã mất.
    Bây giờ, cảm giác tội lỗi thái quá là một chuyện khác.
    Nếu bạn là một người mẹ đủ tốt hoặc một người cha đủ tốt
    và bạn vẫn cảm thấy tội lỗi, thì chúng tôi gọi đó là lo âu.
    Nhưng, hầu hết, những gì tôi nói khiến nhiều phụ nữ và nam giới cảm thấy tội lỗi.
    Và một lần nữa, tôi không coi đó là điều xấu.
    Và tôi nghĩ rằng khi chúng ta bảo các bậc cha mẹ tránh xa cảm giác tội lỗi thay vì hướng về nó,
    khi chúng ta đối mặt với những xung đột nội tâm của mình,
    chúng ta có xu hướng đưa ra những quyết định tốt hơn cho chính mình,
    cho con cái, cho gia đình.
    Nhưng khi chúng ta quay lưng lại với những xung đột đó,
    chúng ta thường không đưa ra những quyết định tốt.
    Và những điều đó có xu hướng có hậu quả lâu dài.
    Bạn đang gây khó chịu bằng sự thật của bạn về điều gì?
    Những ý tưởng mà bạn–
    Rằng bạn phải hy sinh thời gian, tiền bạc và tự do.
    Rằng nếu bạn muốn nuôi dạy những đứa trẻ khỏe mạnh,
    nó sẽ đòi hỏi sự khó chịu, sự bực bội và hy sinh.
    Và điều thú vị là điều đã xảy ra là,
    vì chúng ta đang nuôi dạy con cái trong một môi trường ích kỷ, tự mãn như vậy,
    thì những người trẻ tuổi ngày càng trở nên mong manh hơn.
    Họ trở nên dễ tổn thương về mặt cảm xúc hơn.
    Nhiều người trong số họ có rối loạn gắn bó.
    Họ không thể chịu đựng sự bực bội.
    Họ không thể chịu đựng nỗi đau.
    Họ không thể chịu đựng việc không ngủ.
    Ý tưởng rằng bạn phải thuê một y tá chăm sóc trẻ em
    bởi vì bạn không thể dậy giữa đêm với chính em bé của mình.
    Và điều đó đã trở thành chuẩn mực trong một số lĩnh vực kinh tế xã hội nhất định.
    Vì vậy, phụ nữ và nam giới luôn nuôi dạy trẻ em trong lịch sử,
    trong các vòng gia đình mở rộng.
    Họ không bị cô lập.
    Và ngày nay, các bậc cha mẹ thì rất cô độc.
    Vì vậy, bạn sẽ có mẹ của bạn ở cùng bạn,
    hoặc chị gái của bạn ở cùng bạn,
    hoặc bạn sống trong một ngôi nhà lớn và có người để hỗ trợ bạn.
    Tôi đã bắt đầu một tổ chức phi lợi nhuận gần đây vì tôi nhận thấy rằng rất nhiều bà mẹ–
    Nó được gọi là các vòng gắn bó.
    Rất nhiều bà mẹ cảm thấy rất cô độc
    đến mức việc đối phó với nỗi đau và sự khó chịu khi làm mẹ một mình là quá sức đối với họ.
    Như vậy, có điều đó.
    Chúng ta sống trong một xã hội rất kỳ lạ
    nơi mọi người tách biệt khỏi nhau
    và nhà của họ là những căn hộ
    và họ không phụ thuộc vào nhau
    bởi vì sự phụ thuộc là một từ xấu.
    Nhưng cũng có vấn đề này là làm thế nào chúng ta đang sản xuất ra những thế hệ trẻ mong manh đến mức mà ngay cả sự khó chịu và sự thất vọng trong việc nuôi dưỡng trẻ con cũng trở nên quá sức với họ. Có một yếu tố kinh tế lớn trong vấn đề này, đúng không? Bởi vì nếu bạn đang nuôi con một cách cô lập, xác suất bạn có thu nhập khả dụng hoặc ít nhất là đủ tiền để ở nhà và nuôi dạy trẻ con, đồng thời vẫn duy trì một tiêu chuẩn sống nào đó sẽ thấp hơn nếu bạn không làm điều đó với một gia đình mở rộng lớn có thể hỗ trợ và chi trả cho một số chi phí đó. Thú vị là câu trả lời cho câu hỏi của bạn có thể là có và không. Những người có ít nguồn lực kinh tế về tổng thể thì ít cô lập hơn, nhưng họ cũng đang bị cô lập ngày nay. Có rất nhiều bà mẹ đơn thân nuôi con, không sống trong căn hộ cùng các thành viên khác trong gia đình đã phải chuyển đến các thành phố hoặc quốc gia khác để kiếm sống, họ thực sự rất cô lập. Bạn biết đấy, tôi lại nghĩ rằng điều này vượt qua cả ranh giới kinh tế xã hội. Nhưng đối với những người giàu có hơn, nhiều người trong số họ đang chọn sự cô lập. Họ mua những ngôi nhà lớn, họ sống ở vùng ngoại ô hoặc họ không muốn dựa dẫm vào bất kỳ ai, đúng không? Vì vậy, chúng ta có cái mà tôi gọi là “diaspora gia đình”. Đó thực sự là như vậy, rằng người ta sẽ rời bỏ các gia đình gốc của mình khi có con, điều này thật kỳ lạ và chống lại bản năng. Thế giới đã trở thành một nơi toàn cầu và chúng ta có thể di chuyển đến bất kỳ đâu chúng ta muốn. Nhưng chẳng phải là điều hợp lý hay sao, rằng bạn sẽ muốn di chuyển gần hơn đến gia đình mở rộng của mình, ngay cả khi họ có thể gây khó chịu trừ khi họ bị ngược đãi? Bởi vì điều đó sẽ cung cấp cho bạn sự hỗ trợ. Nó cung cấp cho bạn sự hỗ trợ từ gia đình mở rộng, nhưng đó không phải là những gì đang diễn ra. Người ta đang chọn sống xa gia đình gốc của mình. Và điều đó đang làm cho các gia đình gặp khó khăn hơn. Nó làm cho phụ nữ gặp khó khăn hơn. Nó làm cho họ cảm thấy cô lập hơn. Họ có sự nghiệp riêng, họ có đam mê riêng của mình. Có những điều mà họ yêu thích làm và điều đó có nghĩa là họ phải làm việc ở một thành phố lớn hoặc phải đi du lịch để theo đuổi những điều đó. Bạn vừa nói. Thế nếu họ có đam mê? Thế nếu họ có sự nghiệp? Vấn đề là trẻ con sẽ phát triển tốt hơn trong những tình huống có gia đình mở rộng. Vậy nên bạn có thể có một sự nghiệp tuyệt vời và sống xa gia đình của mình. Và khi bạn còn trẻ và độc thân, và tôi thậm chí gọi là độc thân khi bạn đã kết hôn nhưng không có con, bạn vẫn thực sự độc thân. Bạn biết điều tôi nói với các bậc phụ huynh là cuộc sống của bạn sẽ không tuyệt vời đến thế nếu bạn có con và không có mặt cho chúng. Về mặt thể chất và tinh thần, đặc biệt là trong những năm đầu đời, bởi vì điều gì xảy ra là chúng sẽ bị suy sụp và câu nói thường được nhắc đến là một bậc phụ huynh chỉ hạnh phúc như đứa trẻ kém hạnh phúc nhất của họ. Và vì vậy không có cuộc sống tuyệt vời nào nếu con bạn đang suy sụp. Và đó là điều mà các gia đình đang học được rằng mọi tự do đó và mọi thời gian tuyệt vời cho bản thân đều có một cái giá nếu bạn có con. Vậy nên một người có thể nói, “Chà, tôi sẽ không có con.” Và điều đó là bình thường. Và vì vậy có rất nhiều người hôm nay đang nói, “Tôi không thấy giá trị trong việc phải chịu trách nhiệm cho một con người khác.” Và những gì họ đang bỏ lỡ là sự kết nối cảm xúc sâu sắc và phong phú với con cái của họ. Đó là một tình yêu không giống như bất kỳ tình yêu nào khác. Nhưng nếu bạn đã trải qua chấn thương khi còn là một đứa trẻ, nếu bạn đã có cha mẹ là người tự kỷ hoặc cảm thấy chán nản trong việc nuôi dạy trẻ hoặc bị phân tâm hoặc bệnh tâm thần, có thể bạn đã có chấn thương đó mà đều có thể làm cho việc kết nối sau này trở nên khó khăn hơn. Vì vậy, những rối loạn gắn bó mà tôi đã đề cập trước đó, có ba loại rối loạn gắn bó. Có rối loạn gắn bó trốn tránh. Thế điều đó có nghĩa là gì? Một gắn bó khỏe mạnh sẽ như thế này. Khi bạn trở về nhà, đứa trẻ của bạn cảm thấy gắn bó một cách an toàn với bạn. Ý tôi là, bạn đã ra ngoài ăn tối với người phối ngẫu trong một hoặc hai giờ. Bạn trở về nhà và đứa bé vui vẻ khi thấy bạn và cuộc hội ngộ, mà chúng tôi gọi là cuộc hội ngộ, là một cuộc hội ngộ đẹp. Đứa bé vui tươi và hạnh phúc. Và đó là gắn bó khỏe mạnh. Nó có nghĩa là bạn đã làm cho đứa bé cảm thấy rất an toàn và chắc chắn bởi vì bạn có mặt chủ yếu và đã ưu tiên cho chúng phần lớn thời gian như là người gắn bó chính, đến nỗi khi bạn trở về nhà, đứa bé chào đón bạn. Nhưng những gì chúng tôi đang thấy là càng ngày càng nhiều trẻ em phát triển các rối loạn gắn bó vì cha mẹ của chúng đang đẩy giới hạn của việc họ có thể rời xa những đứa trẻ đó, và đưa chúng vào những thứ như chăm sóc ở cơ sở và để chúng lại trong nhiều giờ và đi du lịch cho sự nghiệp tuyệt vời của họ. Điều này xảy ra ở độ tuổi mà trẻ sơ sinh thực sự không thể chịu đựng được loại sự xa cách đó. Khi một bậc phụ huynh đến, khi người gắn bó chính, thường là mẹ, trở về nhà và đứa bé quay mặt đi khỏi bạn và quay về phía người giữ trẻ hoặc chỉ quay đi, thì đứa bé đó bắt đầu có dấu hiệu đầu tiên của rối loạn gắn bó trốn tránh. Bây giờ điều đó liên quan đến những thứ như trầm cảm và khó khăn trong việc hình thành mối gắn bó sau này. Loại rối loạn gắn bó tiếp theo được gọi là rối loạn gắn bó mâu thuẫn. Và người mẹ sau đó trở về nhà và đứa bé bám vào mẹ rất chặt vì tiếng nói nội tâm trong đứa bé đó là “Mẹ sẽ bỏ rơi mình một lần nữa.” Vì vậy, tôi phải bám chặt lấy bà. Bây giờ đứa bé này trở nên khó chịu và không thể được dỗ dành và sẽ không buông tay mẹ ra, bám chặt như thể cho cuộc sống quý giá. Tôi gọi đó giống như những con khỉ Reese đã làm với những cái lồng thép. Và điều đó liên quan đến những điều như lo âu ở tuổi thanh thiếu niên sau này. Rối loạn gắn bó không có tổ chức thì khác với hai loại còn lại ở chỗ hai loại kia có một chiến lược. Vậy hãy nghĩ về một rối loạn gắn bó như một chiến lược, một đứa trẻ bị bỏ lại quá nhiều giờ bởi cha mẹ của chúng hoặc cha mẹ của chúng có mặt về thể chất nhưng không quan tâm về cảm xúc. Đứa bé đó phải đối phó, phải có một chiến lược.
    Quay lưng lại với mẹ là một chiến lược. Và câu chuyện bên trong là “mẹ tôi không hiện diện cho tôi, không ở đây vì tôi, sẽ không ở đó cho tôi.” Tôi không thể tin tưởng môi trường của mình. Và đứa trẻ nói: “Và tôi sẽ phải tự đối phó một mình.” Chúng ta gọi đó là sự bất lực học hỏi. Rối loạn gắn bó đa cảm, đứa trẻ đó có chiến lược là, “Tôi sẽ bám chặt vì nếu tôi không bám chặt, cô ấy sẽ lại bỏ đi.” Rối loạn gắn bó không tổ chức là khó điều trị nhất vì đứa trẻ không có chiến lược. Vì vậy, đứa trẻ sẽ trải qua nhiều chiến lược. Đứa trẻ sẽ từ việc bám chặt đến việc tránh né đến việc giận dữ và thậm chí là đánh hoặc tát mẹ và rồi lại lặp lại vòng tròn đó. Và những đứa trẻ phát triển rối loạn gắn bó không tổ chức, những đứa trẻ đó, có mối tương quan sau này với rối loạn nhân cách biên giới. Và chúng ta đang thấy một sự gia tăng lớn ở các rối loạn nhân cách biên giới. Và đó là những đứa trẻ đang tự cắt mình, đang cố gắng tự tử. Chúng ta đang có một cuộc khủng hoảng về bệnh tâm thần, chưa từng thấy trong lịch sử. Và tất cả những điều đó liên quan đến cách chúng ta nuôi dạy con cái. Bạn có vẻ tức giận dưới vẻ bề ngoài bình tĩnh đó. Tức giận? Vâng, tôi đoán là có. Tôi không tức giận với mọi người. Tôi tức giận với một xã hội đang nói dối hoặc không thực sự giáo dục hoặc nói sự thật với các bậc phụ huynh. Vậy có bốn loại rối loạn gắn bó: Tránh né, an toàn, đa cảm và không tổ chức. Ồ, loại an toàn không phải là một rối loạn. Vậy có loại an toàn, và sau đó là ba loại rối loạn gắn bó: Tránh né, đa cảm và không tổ chức. Đúng vậy. Nó biểu hiện như thế nào khi bạn là người lớn? Vậy tôi biết như thế nào, vì tôi có thể liên hệ với một số điều này, và tôi đang tự hỏi nó sẽ biểu hiện như thế nào trong các mối quan hệ của cuộc đời tôi như một người lớn ngoài những tình huống rõ ràng về sức khỏe tâm thần. Vì vậy, một rối loạn gắn bó tránh né sẽ là một người không thể hình thành các kết nối có ý nghĩa và sâu sắc, không thể cam kết, gặp khó khăn trong việc cam kết, gặp khó khăn trong việc tin tưởng vào sự gần gũi và độ sâu của sự gần gũi trong một mối quan hệ. Rối loạn gắn bó đa cảm sẽ là một người rất, rất lo âu, người bám chặt bạn, gọi bạn, có thể là một người phụ nữ mà bạn đã hẹn hò trong quá khứ, người đã gọi bạn năm lần một ngày để kiểm tra xem bạn như thế nào và lo lắng rằng bạn sẽ là con cá nhỏ bơi đi và bị mềm. Họ làm nghẹt thở những người mà họ yêu thương vì họ sợ hãi khi phải buông tay. Gắn bó không tổ chức, rối loạn nhân cách biên giới, họ có xu hướng rất biến động về cảm xúc. Có rất nhiều cơn giận dữ ở đó, và có rất nhiều hành vi tự hại ở đó. Liệu họ có thu hút một loại gắn bó nhất định nào đó không? Vậy nếu tôi là người tránh né, thì tôi có thu hút những người tránh né không, hay có nghiên cứu nào về điều đó hay không, về cách mà chúng ta hẹn hò? Tôi đoán những người an toàn sẽ tìm kiếm những người an toàn. Vâng, những người an toàn, nếu bạn khỏe mạnh, bạn sẽ bị thu hút vào những mối quan hệ lành mạnh và tương xứng và bạn tin tưởng vào môi trường của bạn, vì vậy bạn tin tưởng vào những mối quan hệ yêu thương. Và những người tránh né đôi khi bị thu hút bởi những người tránh né khác vì không có xung đột ở đó. Nói cách khác, một người không thể cam kết với một người cũng không thể cam kết, điều đó có thể sẽ sụp đổ ở một thời điểm nào đó. Vì vậy, hãy nhớ rằng đây là những cơ chế phòng vệ bất thường. Chúng tôi sử dụng từ phòng vệ vì nó có nghĩa là bảo vệ một người. Và các cơ chế phòng vệ giúp chúng ta cho đến khi chúng không còn giúp nữa. Và vì vậy, chúng tôi nói rằng rối loạn gắn bó là những cơ chế phòng vệ bệnh lý, có nghĩa là chúng thường không kéo dài suốt đời. Chúng sẽ sụp đổ ở một thời điểm nào đó. Và vì vậy bạn có thể ở với một người khác cũng có rối loạn gắn bó tránh né, nhưng ở một thời điểm nào đó một trong hai người sẽ sụp đổ và rồi nhận ra rằng mình cần người kia. Và rồi bạn ở trong một mối quan hệ với một người không thể đáp lại. Vậy nên, như chúng ta nói, các cấp độ nước gặp nhau. Vì vậy, mọi người sẽ thường bị thu hút bởi những người cùng loại, nhưng điều đó không nhất thiết phải là một mối quan hệ lành mạnh. Và trong bốn loại gắn bó này, bạn nghĩ phong cách gắn bó nào, theo ý kiến của bạn và quan sát của bạn đối với những người mà bạn đã thấy, có khả năng nhất để có một mối quan hệ thành công và cũng như thất bại? Ồ, thì, gắn bó an toàn sẽ có một mối quan hệ thành công, ý tôi là, những người an toàn với gắn bó an toàn sẽ bị thu hút vào các kết nối yêu thương lành mạnh và tương xứng vì họ đã có một kết nối sâu sắc và yêu thương với mẹ của họ. Vì vậy, hãy nhớ, tôi đã nói rằng chỉ sau ba tuổi bạn mới nội tâm hóa được cảm giác an toàn. Và nơi bạn nội tâm hóa được cảm giác rằng thế giới là một nơi an toàn và bạn có thể tin tưởng vào những người trong đó. Và bạn có thể tin tưởng để yêu một người khác. Vì vậy, bạn biết đấy, chúng ta thường sử dụng từ tin tưởng, nhưng chúng ta không nhận ra rằng nó xuất phát từ những khởi đầu rất đầu tiên trong quá trình phát triển của chúng ta. Khi chúng ta không tin tưởng vào người khác, thường là vì chúng ta không thể tin tưởng những người mà chúng ta phải phụ thuộc khi chúng ta ở giai đoạn dễ bị tổn thương nhất. Còn về những cái khác, cái thay thế? Vậy, nếu, trong các phong cách gắn bó này, cái nào ít có khả năng có được những mối quan hệ thành công nhất? Đó là không tổ chức. Được rồi. Họ gặp rất nhiều khó khăn trong việc hình thành mối quan hệ, giữ chặt các mối quan hệ. Vâng, tôi sẽ nói rằng, họ là những người phức tạp nhất để điều trị. Và họ cũng là phức tạp nhất về mặt, bạn biết đấy, trong việc có thể có những mối quan hệ thành công trong tương lai. Tôi đã tự hỏi khi bạn đang nói, liệu nếu tôi có thêm nhiều đứa trẻ, nếu tôi có 10 đứa trẻ nhỏ, thì có khả năng cao hơn rằng tôi sẽ bỏ bê những đứa trẻ đó không? Bởi vì nếu tôi là một người mẹ, tôi chỉ không có thời gian cho tất cả những đứa trẻ này cùng lúc. Không thể tất cả đều ở trên ngực tôi cùng một lúc. Vâng, đó là một câu hỏi hay. Vâng, có một thứ trong thế giới đang phát triển gọi là hội chứng kiệt quệ của mẹ, tức là các bà mẹ có thể thực sự chết trong thế giới đang phát triển vì có quá nhiều con trong quá thời gian quá ngắn. Họ bị kiệt sức về thể chất, nhưng họ cũng bị kiệt sức về cảm xúc.
    Tôi sẽ nói ngay bây giờ, để mọi người có thể nghe thấy ai đang xem điều này. Việc có con thật sự gây áp lực. Nó rất bực bội. Nó yêu cầu bạn phải thiếu ngủ trong năm năm đầu tiên. Nó đòi hỏi bạn phải chịu đựng nhiều sự khó chịu và b frustration. Vì vậy, nếu có một mô tả công việc, thì đầu tiên nó sẽ nói rằng đó là điều vui vẻ và bổ ích nhất mà bạn có thể làm trong toàn bộ cuộc đời của bạn. Nhưng những gì đi kèm theo việc đó để thúc đẩy sự phát triển khỏe mạnh là sự bực bội, thiếu ngủ, căng thẳng, khó chịu. Và điều đó nên là một phần của mô tả công việc. Vâng, có vẻ điều này là một nguyên tắc rất quan trọng cho cuộc sống nói chung rằng mọi thứ đều có sự đánh đổi. Và tôi nghĩ có lẽ là Einstein đã nói, “Mỗi lực đều có một lực phản kháng bằng và ngược lại” hoặc điều gì đó tương tự như vậy. Và rất nhiều người đang chọn không quyết định có con. Tôi đã xem một số thống kê về vấn đề này. Liên minh Châu Âu chỉ ghi nhận 3,8 triệu ca sinh vào năm 2022, gần bằng một nửa số lượng được ghi nhận cách đây sáu thập kỷ, đánh dấu một trong những tỷ lệ sinh thấp nhất trong lịch sử. Pháp, ví dụ, nổi tiếng với các chính sách gia đình mạnh mẽ của mình, đã chứng kiến sự suy giảm từ 830.000 trẻ sơ sinh vào năm 2010 xuống chỉ còn 670.000 vào năm 2023, mức thấp nhất kể từ Thế chiến II. Và đây là một xu hướng lớn toàn cầu, đặc biệt ở những quốc gia có nhiều tiền. Thực sự là như vậy. Vì vậy, tôi đã nói tại một hội nghị lớn có tên là Liên minh cho Công dân Có trách nhiệm, và họ đã nói về nhiều tỷ lệ sinh giảm đáng báo động này. Nhưng sự thật là, khi các quốc gia phát triển hơn, tỷ lệ sinh giảm xuống đến một mức độ nào đó. Điều này có liên quan đến kinh tế, một phần nào đó. Nhưng có một xu hướng đang xảy ra tồi tệ hơn điều này, đó là mọi người không phải là không có con ít hơn, mà thực ra mọi người đều có giới hạn của riêng mình về khả năng cho đi và yêu thương. Và với một số người, có thể một đứa trẻ là đủ. Đối với những người khác, năm đứa trẻ lại không đủ, có nghĩa là họ có rất nhiều điều bên trong để cho đi. Nhưng điều đáng báo động đối với tôi không phải là tỷ lệ sinh giảm xuống do kinh tế. Có thể mọi người không sinh ra 10 đứa trẻ như trước đây. Họ có thể chỉ có ba hoặc hai đứa trẻ, đúng không? Điều đáng báo động hơn đối với tôi là rất nhiều người không có con. Điều đó đáng báo động hơn, bởi vì đó là dấu hiệu không phải của một quốc gia đang phát triển, mà là của một quốc gia và một xã hội, một xã hội hiện đại, không thấy giá trị trong việc nuôi dạy trẻ em và coi những mối quan hệ sâu sắc và yêu thương là ưu tiên trong cuộc sống của bạn. Những người đó sẽ nói, “Tôi có những mối quan hệ sâu sắc và yêu thương với đối tác của mình, với mèo, với chú, dì, bạn bè, v.v.” Nó khác biệt. Và tại sao lại khác biệt? Đó là một câu hỏi tốt. Nó khác biệt bởi vì cuối cùng, mối quan hệ của bạn với đối tác hoặc với dì của bạn hoặc với mèo của bạn không cùng một mức độ phụ thuộc. Khả năng chăm sóc cho một sinh linh khác, cho phép một sinh linh khác phụ thuộc vào bạn, dành cho sinh linh đó, là một trải nghiệm đang lớn lên, đang biến đổi đối với con người. Một người có thể nói rằng, tôi không chắc mình hoàn toàn đồng ý với điều này, nhưng tôi nghĩ Jordan Peterson đã nói, tôi nghĩ là Jordan đã nói rằng, “Bạn không thể hoàn toàn trở thành một người trưởng thành nếu bạn không có một đứa trẻ.” Bây giờ, tôi không chắc tôi sẽ đi xa đến như vậy, bởi vì có những người không thể có con, nhưng tôi nghĩ rằng có điều gì đó trong phát triển ở cấp độ trưởng thành của người lớn đang biến đổi bạn, điều đó được định sẵn để biến đổi bạn trong việc tạo ra và có con. Một lần nữa, điều này không dành cho tất cả mọi người. Và tôi cũng nói rằng tôi không phải là một phần của phong trào pro-natality nơi tôi nói mọi người nên có con. Tôi không nghĩ rằng mọi người đều phải có con, nhưng tôi nghĩ rằng nếu bạn sẽ có con, thì bạn cần phải nhìn sâu vào việc nuôi dạy của chính mình và những mất mát và những chấn thương sớm của riêng bạn trước khi đưa chúng vào thế giới này. Để bạn có thể sửa chữa bất kỳ điều gì bạn cần phải sửa chữa và không tạo ra cái mà chúng tôi gọi là sự biểu hiện thế hệ của những điều như rối loạn attachment và bệnh tâm thần. Bởi vì rất nhiều người hiện đang gặp khó khăn để có con, ngay cả những người muốn có. Nhìn vào một số thống kê, có một tỷ lệ vô sinh toàn cầu. Khoảng 18% người lớn trên thế giới, khoảng 1 trong 6, trải qua vô sinh vào một thời điểm nào đó trong đời. Giữa năm 2015 và 2019, khoảng 15% phụ nữ Mỹ từ 15 đến 49 tuổi đã trải qua tình trạng sinh sản bị suy giảm. Và ở Vương quốc Anh, nghiên cứu cho thấy rằng 1 trong 8 phụ nữ đang lắng nghe điều này và 1 trong 10 đàn ông từ 16 đến 74 tuổi đã trải qua vô sinh, được định nghĩa là không thành công trong việc thử có thai trong một năm hoặc dài hơn. Và tôi đã nói chuyện với rất nhiều người, thực sự, đã cố gắng có con trong nhiều năm, hai năm. Thật sự rất buồn khi mọi người muốn có con nhưng không thể có. Thật sự rất buồn. Khi bạn nghĩ về những gì góp phần vào điều đó, làm thế nào để bạn chẩn đoán thách thức vô sinh đó? Có rất nhiều lý thuyết. Một số là do môi trường. Một số là thực tế là chúng ta đang hoãn việc có con. Chúng ta đang lừa dối phụ nữ và đàn ông. Chúng ta đang nói với họ, “Đông lạnh trứng của bạn.” Thực tế, điều này hơi disturbing. Tôi sẽ nói với bạn về điều này. Rằng các công ty luật hiện đang chi trả cho việc đông lạnh trứng của các cộng sự nữ trẻ tuổi của họ. Tôi thấy điều đó không được tốt cho lắm. Nói rằng, “Đông lạnh trứng của bạn. Làm việc thật chăm chỉ cho chúng tôi. Vâng, bạn có thể có con sau.” Và sự thật là, rất nhiều người trong số họ không thể. Bởi vì khi bạn đông lạnh trứng, đó không phải là một bảo đảm cho khả năng sinh sản. Nó không đảm bảo rằng những trứng đó sẽ trở thành phôi thai. Nó không đảm bảo rằng những phôi thai đó sẽ trở thành trẻ sơ sinh. Vì vậy, có yếu tố tuổi tác. Cũng có, và có yếu tố môi trường, còn có yếu tố căng thẳng, điều mà chúng ta chưa nói đến. Có một yếu tố liên quan đến việc mang thai liên quan đến căng thẳng. Chúng ta có nhiều căng thẳng hơn cả nam lẫn nữ.
    Ngày xưa, nam giới chết sớm hơn vì họ có nhiều căng thẳng. Nhưng bây giờ, tôi nghĩ rằng mọi thứ đã trở nên cân bằng hơn. Tôi nghĩ rằng phụ nữ có thể chết sớm hơn vì họ phải gánh chịu căng thẳng từ công việc và việc nuôi dạy trẻ em phần lớn thời gian. Nhưng điều quan trọng là căng thẳng mà người trưởng thành trẻ phải đối mặt vì họ đang cố gắng… Chúng ta nên nói về một số huyền thoại khác. Một huyền thoại khác là bạn có thể làm mọi thứ cùng một lúc và làm điều đó thật tốt. Đó là một huyền thoại lớn. Bạn không thể. Bạn không thể có một sự nghiệp tuyệt vời khi làm việc toàn thời gian, đi du lịch, sống thật tuyệt vời và nuôi dạy những đứa trẻ khỏe mạnh. Tin tốt là cuộc sống rất dài. Bạn có thể sống đến 120 tuổi như Moses. Và tôi nghĩ về thế hệ của bạn, bạn trẻ hơn tôi. Nhưng tôi nghĩ bạn có thể sống khỏe hơn 100 tuổi. Điều đó có nghĩa là bạn có rất nhiều năm để có một sự nghiệp tuyệt vời khi con bạn không còn cần bạn nhiều như trước. Nhưng bạn có một khoảng thời gian rất nhỏ để tạo ra sự an toàn về mặt cảm xúc cho con bạn, điều sẽ là cốt lõi của chúng. Chúng ta nói rất nhiều về cốt lõi thể chất và đào tạo cốt lõi của bạn. Đây là cốt lõi cảm xúc của bạn. Đây là cốt lõi cảm xúc của con người. Sự an toàn về sự gắn bó và cảm giác an toàn rằng bạn có thể dựa vào những người mà bạn cần nhất trong thế giới này sẽ có mặt khi bạn cần họ. Đó là cốt lõi cảm xúc của bạn. Bạn đã làm thế nào để quản lý là mẹ của ba đứa trẻ? Bạn đã nuôi dạy ba đứa trẻ tuyệt vời, hòa nhập tốt. Nhưng bạn cũng thành công. Bạn có những cuốn sách. Bạn đang đi du lịch khắp thế giới, bạn đã nói. Vì vậy, tôi là một ví dụ tốt. Tôi đã có một sự nghiệp khi tôi 20 tuổi và tôi gặp chồng tôi khi tôi 27 tuổi. Tôi kết hôn khi tôi chưa đến 30 tuổi hoặc tôi đã 30. Và sau đó chúng tôi có con trong độ tuổi 30. Trước khi chúng tôi có con, tôi đã làm việc. Tôi đã gặp khoảng 40 bệnh nhân mỗi tuần. Và tôi làm việc vào những giờ khuya. Tôi thường làm việc đến 11 giờ tối, về nhà mệt mỏi. Sau đó chúng tôi có con. Nhưng chúng tôi đã có một thỏa thuận rằng khi có em bé, tôi sẽ nghỉ một khoảng thời gian dài và sau đó thực sự quay trở lại làm việc rất, rất ít. Tôi đã có một sự nghiệp kiểu mà tôi có thể kiểm soát và nó có thể linh hoạt và tôi có thể điều khiển được nó. Vì vậy, tôi đã nghỉ 6 tháng với mỗi đứa trẻ. Và sau 6 tháng, tôi chỉ quay lại làm việc một tiếng rưỡi mỗi ngày, năm ngày một tuần. Chúng tôi đã có một thỏa thuận, chồng tôi và tôi, đó là sẽ chỉ đủ để trả tiền cho một người giúp việc, một b babysitter. Và trong những năm đó, chúng tôi đã sống mà không có. Chúng tôi đã không có kỳ nghỉ. Chúng tôi đã không có nhà thứ hai. Chúng tôi đã không có quần áo đẹp. Chúng tôi đã sống mà không có những thứ khác mà nhiều bạn đồng trang lứa của chúng tôi đang có, đang đi du lịch và làm. Chúng tôi đã nói, điều quan trọng với chúng tôi là giảm bớt, không mở rộng bây giờ. Điều này là chúng tôi đang mở rộng với tư cách là cha mẹ. Vì vậy, chúng tôi muốn giảm bớt vật chất. Cuộc sống rất dài và bạn có thể có một sự nghiệp thành công. Một số phụ nữ mà tôi phỏng vấn cho cuốn sách của mình là những người đã không bắt đầu sự nghiệp của họ cho đến khi họ ở tuổi 40, sau khi họ có những đứa trẻ lớn hơn. Liệu nó có thể hoạt động nếu chồng bạn ở nhà thay vì bạn? Theo quan điểm của bạn, vì tôi đang cố gắng hiểu nếu bạn đang nói rằng các ông bố không cần hiện diện nhiều như các bà mẹ. Họ cần có mặt theo cách khác. Trong những ngày đầu, các ông bố không cho con bú. Đó là điều đầu tiên. Trừ khi bạn có thể cho tôi thấy một người đàn ông đã phát triển vú và có thể thực sự cho con bú. Có thể điều đó sẽ đến. Tôi không biết. Nhưng hiện tại, cơ thể của phụ nữ kết nối họ với em bé. Họ kết nối qua việc sinh nở. Họ kết nối qua việc cho con bú. Có một thành phần thể chất và một thành phần hormone trong thời kỳ sơ sinh và làm mẹ. Và thực sự có sự khác biệt trong cách mà các bà mẹ phản ứng với em bé và các ông bố phản ứng với em bé. Bây giờ, khi các ông bố trở nên thực sự quan trọng, không phải là ông bố không quan trọng để cho bà mẹ nghỉ ngơi hay để gắn bó với em bé hoặc tắm cho em bé. Nhưng điều mà em bé cần là sự an toàn về sự gắn bó đối với hình mẫu gắn bó chính. Vì vậy, thường là bà mẹ. Đôi khi là ông bố, nhưng thường là bà mẹ. Các ông bố, với sự kích thích xúc giác chơi đùa, họ trở nên rất quan trọng khi trẻ em di chuyển. Khi trẻ em bắt đầu bò và đi loạng choạng, khi chúng khoảng 18 tháng đến 2 tuổi, các ông bố trở nên cực kỳ thú vị. Và họ thực sự quan trọng. Vì vậy, khi các ông bố không có mặt trong những ngày đó, khi trẻ em bắt đầu khám phá thế giới, trẻ em sẽ gặp khó khăn hơn trong việc tách rời khỏi mẹ. Vì vậy, việc có những gì chúng tôi đã nói là âm và dương là rất quan trọng. Những gì chúng tôi đang làm bây giờ là không ưu tiên sự an toàn về sự gắn bó, điều là nền tảng cho sự tách rời lành mạnh. Và khi sự tách rời lành mạnh bắt đầu, các ông bố là rất cần thiết. Khi bạn có một đứa trẻ khác, một đứa thứ hai, các ông bố là rất cần thiết. Vì các ông bố thu hút đứa trẻ lớn hơn. Họ nói, đi nào, hãy ra ngoài chơi. Hãy đi đá bóng. Hãy đến sân chơi. Và họ tạo không gian cho bà mẹ với đứa bé tiếp theo. Họ giúp các trẻ lớn hơn trưởng thành. Ngay từ đầu, bạn đã đề cập đến một nghiên cứu mà tôi đã đọc khi tôi học tâm lý học một thời gian, đó là nghiên cứu về khỉ rhesus với mẹ dây. Đối với bất kỳ ai chưa từng nghe về nghiên cứu đó, tôi nghĩ điều đó rất quan trọng để hiểu tác động sâu sắc của sự tiếp xúc và… Vâng, đó là một nghiên cứu về sự gắn bó. Vâng, sự tiếp xúc trong thế giới khoa học được gọi là gì? Da tiếp da. Da tiếp da. Bạn có thể cho tôi một cái nhìn tổng quát về nghiên cứu đó và những gì nó cho thấy đối với những người chưa biết không? Vâng, họ đã lấy những con khỉ rhesus con này, và họ cho một số ở cùng với các bà mẹ. Và các bà mẹ đã chăm sóc những đứa trẻ đó, và những đứa trẻ đó đã trở nên gắn bó lành mạnh và an toàn, và đó là những đứa trẻ khỏe mạnh về mặt cảm xúc.
    Sau đó, họ đã cho một tập hợp nhỏ khác của những con khỉ một bà mẹ bằng dây điện được che phủ bởi một miếng vải hay lông, hoặc cái gì đó tương tự. Và những con khỉ con đó trở nên rất lo âu, nhưng ít nhất chúng đã bám víu. Chúng trở nên giống như những đứa trẻ có gắn bó mâu thuẫn, vì không có phản ứng từ bà mẹ, nhưng ít nhất chúng vẫn bám vào người bà mẹ này. Sau đó, họ cho một nhóm các con khỉ con không có gì cả. Và những con khỉ con đó thực sự mất trí. Ý tôi là, có những nghiên cứu khác gần đây hơn thế. Đó là một nghiên cứu khá cũ. Có một nhà nghiên cứu tên là Michael Meany. Ông đã thực hiện một nghiên cứu về việc liếm và chải chuốt. Những con vật liếm và chải chuốt con cái của chúng, có nghĩa là nuôi dưỡng, da tiếp xúc với da, liếm và chải chuốt. Trong ngôn ngữ con người, điều đó có thể hiểu là ôm ấp, chạm vào, yêu thương, da tiếp xúc với da. Những con khỉ con, nếu mẹ của chúng liếm và chải chuốt chúng, sẽ trở nên kiên cường hơn trước áp lực trong tương lai. Những con khỉ con không được mẹ liếm và chải chuốt sẽ trở nên kém kiên cường hơn trước áp lực trong tương lai. Ngoài ra, những con khỉ con kiên cường hơn trước áp lực, bởi vì mẹ của chúng đã liếm và chải chuốt chúng, sẽ truyền lại khả năng liếm và chải chuốt cho thế hệ tiếp theo. Vậy điều gì đã xảy ra với những con khỉ con không được liếm và chải chuốt? Đoán xem điều gì đã xảy ra? Chúng không truyền lại. Đúng. Và đó là những gì đang xảy ra với con người ngày nay. Nếu chúng ta không liếm và chải chuốt những đứa trẻ của mình, ý tôi là, xem như thế nào đi nữa, nếu chúng ta không liếm và chải chuốt những đứa trẻ của mình, chúng ta không truyền lại sức mạnh đối phó với áp lực và khó khăn, nhưng chúng ta cũng không truyền lại mong muốn liếm và chải chuốt những đứa trẻ của chúng ta. Câu chuyện của bạn, quay lại câu chuyện của bạn mà chúng ta đang nói tới, có những lĩnh vực nào về đặc quyền mà bạn cần phải thừa nhận không, mà có ai đó đang nghe điều này bây giờ sẽ nói, “Ừ, nhưng điều đó thì tốt cho bạn.” Bởi vì có thể có người không có bạn đời bên cạnh, hoặc ai đó đang ở trong tình huống kinh tế khó khăn, cực kỳ khó khăn, sống ở các dự án ở Harlem hoặc gì đó. Tôi thực sự muốn, tôi nói điều này vì… À, không phải là những bà mẹ ở các dự án ở Harlem, vì tôi sẽ nói với bạn, những bà mẹ ở các dự án ở Harlem ở nhà cùng với những đứa trẻ của họ. Đó là điều thú vị. Những người rất nghèo ở Mỹ. Vì vậy, để tôi chỉ nói, tôi yêu nước Mỹ, nhưng nước Mỹ cũng có nhiều vấn đề. Và tôi sẽ cho bạn biết tại sao nước Mỹ có vấn đề từ quan điểm của tôi. Và tôi nói điều này ở cấp độ quốc tế. Tôi đi khắp thế giới nói rằng nước Mỹ có vấn đề, và tôi sắp cho bạn biết lý do tại sao. Chúng ta là quốc gia duy nhất trên thế giới, ngoài Papua New Guinea, không có chế độ nghỉ hưởng lương cho thai sản. Chúng ta không có nghỉ thai sản có trả lương. Không ai quan tâm đến trẻ em. Họ quan tâm đến GDP và lợi nhuận, và những người đang nói về những vấn đề này là các nhà kinh tế nói rằng phụ nữ phải làm việc, làm việc, làm việc cho nền kinh tế. Không ai quan tâm đến trẻ em, vì nếu chúng ta quan tâm đến trẻ em, tiền thuế của chúng ta sẽ được đầu tư vào nghỉ phép có trả lương, không phải ba tháng, không phải sáu tháng, mà ít nhất là một năm. Tại Hungary, họ có ba năm. Slovenia, Slovakia, Estonia có ba năm. Hungary, tôi nghĩ, có hai năm nghỉ có trả lương. Thụy Điển, tôi có một số vấn đề với Thụy Điển, nhưng Thụy Điển có nghỉ thai sản 14 tháng. Thụy Điển, sau 14 tháng, bắt phụ nữ quay lại làm việc toàn thời gian và cho họ vào các cơ sở chăm sóc tập trung, và tất cả những đứa trẻ đó đang gặp vấn đề. Vì vậy, 14 tháng cũng không đủ. Nhưng nếu chúng ta có thể đến một nơi văn minh hơn với ít nhất một năm nghỉ phép có trả lương tại quốc gia này, và sau đó hai năm tiếp theo, bằng cách nào đó để các bậc phụ huynh có thể được hỗ trợ, để họ có thể làm việc bán thời gian, được bổ sung. Bạn biết không, tôi là một người có lý trí và thực tế. Tôi biết quốc gia này sẽ không bao giờ chấp nhận ba năm nghỉ phép có trả lương, mặc dù tôi rất muốn. Tôi cũng biết rằng quốc gia này sẽ không chấp nhận một quyền được gọi là nghỉ phép có trả lương, bởi vì đó là loại quốc gia mà chúng ta đang sống. Chúng ta nói rất lớn, nhưng không muốn đặt tiền vào nơi mà miệng chúng ta phát ra. Có khả năng, bây giờ thì phe Cộng hòa đang nắm quyền, với một giải pháp sáng tạo, có thể sử dụng những thứ như an sinh xã hội trước, vay từ quỹ an sinh xã hội của bạn. Vì vậy, tôi là một bà mẹ, và tôi nói, “À, để ở nhà, tôi có thể vay từ quỹ an sinh xã hội của mình trong một năm, và rồi làm việc thêm một hoặc hai năm trong cuộc đời của tôi.” Bạn có nghĩ rằng hầu hết phụ nữ nào muốn ở nhà với con của họ sẽ nói, “Tôi sẽ làm việc lâu hơn để tôi có thể ở nhà với con của mình”? Có những cách để xử lý vấn đề này một cách sáng tạo. Từ quan điểm của tôi, đây là những gì đang diễn ra. Những người cấp tiến sẽ không nhượng bộ. Họ chỉ muốn một quyền được gọi là nghỉ phép có trả lương, nhưng họ chỉ yêu cầu điều đó trong ba đến sáu tháng. Sau đó, họ muốn phụ nữ quay trở lại lực lượng lao động và gửi trẻ vào nhà trẻ nhà nước. Vì vậy, tôi không thuộc bên cánh tả. Những người ở bên cánh hữu nói rất nhiều về gia đình. Họ hiện đang là đảng của gia đình, nhưng họ không muốn tiền thuế được sử dụng cho nghỉ phép có trả lương. Họ không thích những quyền lợi đã tồn tại, và họ không muốn thêm quyền lợi nào nữa. Vì vậy, cách duy nhất để họ cung cấp quyền lợi cho phụ nữ và đàn ông là nếu họ có cam kết tham gia. Đây là quốc gia mà chúng ta đang sống. Một lần nữa, tôi là một người thực tiễn. Tôi nghĩ rằng bằng bất kỳ cách nào mà chúng ta có thể trao cho các gia đình quyền chọn để chăm sóc cho chính con cái của họ, đặc biệt trong những năm đầu đời, chúng ta sẽ tạo ra một dân số trẻ em khỏe mạnh hơn.
    Chúng ta biết như thế nào rằng việc có nhiều ngày nghỉ phép có lương đồng nghĩa với việc trẻ em khỏe mạnh hơn, giảm áp lực lên hệ thống chăm sóc sức khỏe về mặt sức khỏe tâm thần, tỷ lệ tử vong hay bất cứ điều gì khác? Làm thế nào bạn có thể đưa ra một trường hợp dựa trên thống kê, khoa học hay nghiên cứu rằng nếu chúng ta có ba năm nghỉ phép có lương ở Hoa Kỳ, Vương quốc Anh, Úc, Canada hay bất kỳ đâu, thì đó sẽ là một điều tích cực cho xã hội, ngoài việc đó chỉ là một ý kiến? Nghiên cứu cho thấy rằng nghiên cứu về sự gắn bó kéo dài cho thấy những đứa trẻ có sự gắn bó không an toàn ở độ tuổi 12 tháng, 20 năm sau vẫn không an toàn, 80% trong số đó là gắn bó không an toàn và mắc các rối loạn tâm thần. Đó là những gì nghiên cứu về sự gắn bó kéo dài nói. Vậy bây giờ chúng ta có hàng thập kỷ nghiên cứu, trẻ em được theo dõi từ khi chúng còn nhỏ. Và những đứa trẻ gắn bó an toàn, 20 năm sau vẫn đang gắn bó an toàn và phát triển tốt. Còn những đứa trẻ gắn bó không an toàn, hầu hết vẫn gắn bó không an toàn. Và điều đó liên quan và tương quan đến tất cả các tình trạng bệnh tâm thần này. Vì vậy, có rất nhiều nghiên cứu cho thấy sự an toàn trong việc gắn bó mang lại lợi ích gì cho trẻ em trong lâu dài.
    Vì vậy, bạn đang đặt câu hỏi về… Tôi có thể cho rằng bạn có thể lấy nghỉ phép có lương của mình và đi chơi bóng đá ở công viên, hoặc đi đánh tennis. Và tôi không biết, như chơi bài với bạn bè. Tôi không thể nói mọi người sẽ sử dụng ngày nghỉ có lương của họ như thế nào. Nhưng nếu ngày nghỉ phép của bạn được sử dụng để ở nhà với con bạn, thì điều đó sẽ có lợi cho con bạn. Rất nhiều khách mời mà tôi trò chuyện trên podcast này, đặc biệt là những người trở nên thành công rực rỡ, là vận động viên, doanh nhân hay bất kỳ ai, họ thường có một số hình thức bị bỏ rơi trong quá khứ. Richard Williams, cha của Serena và Venus Williams, ông rất nghiêm khắc với họ từ rất sớm. Và ông đã nuôi dưỡng hai trong số những tay tennis vĩ đại nhất trong lịch sử. Joe Jackson rất nghiêm khắc và thường gây tranh cãi với Michael, người đã trở thành Vua của nhạc Pop. Earl Woods, cha của Tiger Woods, rất nghiêm khắc trong cách huấn luyện và hướng dẫn, điều này đã giúp ông trở thành vĩ đại. Và rõ ràng, Beyoncé là ví dụ khác mà tôi đưa ra, người mà Matthew đã quản lý, Matthew, người mà là cha mẹ của Beyoncé, đã quản lý Destiny’s Child và sự nghiệp solo của Beyoncé, một cách tỉ mỉ để biến cô thành một siêu sao toàn cầu.
    Vì vậy, các bậc phụ huynh nghĩ, bạn biết đấy, tôi muốn nuôi dạy những đứa trẻ trở thành siêu sao. Tôi muốn con tôi trở nên vĩ đại. Được rồi, vậy tôi sẽ nói ngay bây giờ, tôi không khuyên bạn nên điều đó với tư cách là một chuyên gia. Được rồi. Tôi chỉ đang nói. Vì vậy, tôi không thể bình luận về nhiều người trong số đó, vì tôi có thể gặp rắc rối nếu bình luận về nhiều người trong số đó. Nhưng tôi sẽ nói rằng giữa những người đó, có sự tranh cãi, nghĩa là ít nhất một trong số những bậc phụ huynh đó, và tôi không biết lịch sử của người khác, đã lạm dụng. Và vì vậy bạn có thể nói rằng chủ nghĩa Narcissism gây hại cho trẻ em. Khi chúng ta chiếu những nhu cầu, mong muốn và sở thích của mình, và con người của chúng ta lên con cái, chúng ta không để chúng thực sự là chính mình. Món quà lớn nhất mà bạn có thể dành cho con mình là nhìn nhận con bạn như một cá nhân chân thật, là một cá nhân và là chính mình, chứ không phải là một phiên bản thu nhỏ của bạn. Khi bạn bắt đầu thiết kế cuộc sống của chúng, có khả năng cao là bạn sẽ mất kết nối cảm xúc với đứa trẻ đó vào một thời điểm nào đó. Chúng có thể sẽ ghét bạn. Chúng có thể thành công trong sự nghiệp. Chúng có thể có cuộc sống cá nhân tồi tệ. Chúng có thể trở thành những bậc phụ huynh có tính Narcissism. Vì vậy, tôi không khuyên bạn nên theo đuổi đường lối suy nghĩ đó.
    Điều tôi khuyên là nếu con bạn cho thấy tiềm năng trong một lĩnh vực mà chúng cũng có vẻ yêu thích và có động lực để giỏi, thì bạn có thể hỗ trợ động lực đó. Chỉ cần chắc chắn rằng bạn kiểm soát bản thân trong suốt quá trình để đảm bảo rằng chúng đang dẫn dắt, chứ không phải bạn. ADHD. Vâng, được rồi. Tôi cảm thấy như mình thậm chí không phải hỏi một câu hỏi nào ở đây, nhưng chỉ để làm rõ, lý do mà tôi bị cuốn hút bởi điều này là, tôi phải nói, sự gia tăng gây sốc trong chẩn đoán và kê đơn trong 10 năm qua. Giữa năm 2000 và 2018, chẩn đoán ADHD ở Vương quốc Anh tăng lên khoảng 20 lần. Vâng. Trong số các bé trai từ 10 đến 16 tuổi, tỷ lệ chẩn đoán đã tăng từ khoảng 1% lên khoảng 3,5% vào năm 2018. Và ở những người đàn ông từ 18 đến 29 tuổi, đã có sự gia tăng gần 50 lần trong việc kê đơn ADHD trong cùng khoảng thời gian đó. Và điều tương tự cũng xảy ra ở Hoa Kỳ, nơi ước tính có 15,5 triệu người lớn ở Hoa Kỳ đã được chẩn đoán mắc ADHD, khoảng một trong chín trẻ em Mỹ đã từng được chẩn đoán mắc ADHD tại một thời điểm nào đó, với 10,5% đang có chẩn đoán hiện tại. Tôi không biết ADHD bắt nguồn từ đâu, nhưng cuộc trò chuyện xung quanh nó, việc kê đơn, các chẩn đoán dường như đã thực sự bùng nổ vào văn hóa theo cách rất lớn. Có chuyện gì đang xảy ra vậy? ADHD là một trong những yếu tố đã thúc đẩy tôi viết cuốn sách “Being There”, vì tôi đã thấy sự gia tăng lớn về chẩn đoán ADHD và trẻ em bị kê đơn thuốc quá sớm. Bạn có biết phản ứng chiến đấu-hành động là gì không? Đó là khi hệ thống thần kinh giao cảm bắt đầu hoạt động. Vâng. Thực chất, đó là phản ứng tiến hóa của chúng ta đối với một mối đe dọa xâm lược. Vậy nếu một con hổ kiếm răng sắc bén đang đuổi bạn, bạn hoặc đứng lại và đánh nhau, chiến đấu, hoặc chạy để cứu mạng mình, hành động. Vì vậy, khi trẻ em của chúng ta phải đối mặt với căng thẳng, chúng sẽ vào trạng thái chiến đấu-hành động. Một trong những dấu hiệu đầu tiên cho thấy một đứa trẻ đang gặp căng thẳng mà chúng không thể quản lý là khi chúng trở nên hung hãn ở trường học. Chúng đánh, chúng cắn, chúng ném ghế. Chúng gặp khó khăn trong việc giao tiếp xã hội, ở nhà trẻ hay mẫu giáo hoặc ngay cả ở trường. Hoặc chúng có thể trở nên bị phân tâm, mà đó là phần hành động của phản ứng chiến đấu-hành động. Vậy điều đang xảy ra là hệ thống thần kinh của chúng, phần não điều chỉnh căng thẳng của chúng, đang hoạt động. Chúng tôi nói rằng phần não điều chỉnh căng thẳng của chúng liên quan đến một phần nhỏ hình hạnh nhân của não gọi là amygdala.
    Đây là một phần rất nguyên thủy của não bộ, phần rất cổ xưa của não. Nó điều chỉnh căng thẳng trong suốt cuộc đời chúng ta. Nó giúp chúng ta quản lý nó. Những gì chúng ta biết là phần này của não bộ được cho là không được hoạt động trong từ một đến ba năm đầu đời, vì vậy các bà mẹ thường bế trẻ sơ sinh trên cơ thể mình. Đó là lý do tại sao trẻ sơ sinh ở gần mẹ trong ba năm đầu tiên. Để giữ cho amygdala (hạch hạnh nhân) im lặng và chỉ từ từ, từ từ tiếp xúc trẻ với căng thẳng và thất vọng mà trẻ có thể quản lý. Hãy tưởng tượng việc lấy một chút nhỏ để bạn có thể tiêu hóa nó, đúng không? Và mẹ bạn ở đó để giúp bạn tiêu hóa căng thẳng. Những gì chúng ta đang làm bây giờ bằng cách tách mẹ và trẻ sơ sinh, bằng cách đưa trẻ vào nhà trẻ với người lạ, bằng việc huấn luyện giấc ngủ cho trẻ sơ sinh, tất cả những điều kỳ quặc mà chúng ta đang áp dụng cho trẻ sơ sinh đang kích hoạt amygdala. Chúng ta đang làm cho nó hoạt động quá sớm. Điều gì xảy ra khi amygdala trở nên hoạt động quá sớm là nó trở nên rất hoạt động và rất lớn một cách nhanh chóng. Vấn đề là sau đó nó co lại và bị đốt cháy, vì nó không thể quản lý loại căng thẳng đó quá sớm. Khi nó không còn chức năng, nó sẽ không còn chức năng trong suốt cuộc đời. Vì vậy, việc bảo vệ, bạn biết đó, có một câu nói như vậy? Những viên ngọc quý của gia đình, đây là những viên ngọc quý trong não của một đứa trẻ. Đây là viên ngọc, amygdala. Bạn muốn giữ cho căng thẳng là tối thiểu tuyệt đối trong năm đầu đời, đó là lý do tại sao huấn luyện giấc ngủ là nguy hiểm. Đó là lý do tại sao để trẻ khóc một mình. Đó là lý do tại sao đưa trẻ vào nhà trẻ. Đó là lý do tại sao để trẻ ở một mình trong nhiều giờ khi chúng rất, rất yếu ớt là rất xấu cho não bộ của chúng. Bởi vì như vậy sẽ làm tăng cortisol, hormone căng thẳng, nhưng đồng thời làm cho phần này của não trở nên rất hoạt động, khiến nó phát triển, phát triển, phát triển, rồi bùm, và không còn chức năng trong tương lai. Như một phản ứng PTSD. Vì vậy, những gì chúng ta biết là những đứa trẻ này đang trong trạng thái căng thẳng cực độ. Trẻ em ADHD. Trẻ em ADHD, trạng thái căng thẳng cực độ. Nếu bạn ở trong trạng thái căng thẳng cực độ đủ lâu, bạn sẽ rơi vào trạng thái căng thẳng thiểu năng, điều này sẽ dẫn đến trầm cảm. Những gì mà chúng ta có bây giờ không phải là rối loạn. Có một phong trào hoàn toàn để bỏ chữ D khỏi ADHD, vì nó không phải là một rối loạn. Đó là một phản ứng căng thẳng. Và thay vì đặt ra những câu hỏi đúng, như là, được rồi, cái gì đang gây ra căng thẳng này? Làm thế nào để chúng ta đảm bảo rằng những đứa trẻ của chúng ta không bị tiếp xúc với loại căng thẳng này, vì chúng đang đi vào chế độ chiến đấu hoặc chạy trốn? Vì vậy, như bạn đã nói, hệ thần kinh, não bộ có một công tắc bật và một công tắc tắt. Công tắc bật cho căng thẳng là amygdala, hippocampus là công tắc tắt. Và bạn có thể nói rằng phản ứng căng thẳng là, trong một vòng phản hồi tiêu cực, thực sự rất quan trọng. Nói cách khác, nếu một con hổ răng sabre đang đuổi theo bạn, thật quan trọng để bạn có thể kích hoạt, đúng, và chạy hoặc chiến đấu. Vì vậy, phản ứng căng thẳng phải là ngắn hạn. Nó không nên, nó phải là cấp tính hơn là mãn tính. Vì vậy, chúng ta có thể hình thành nó. Chúng ta có thể kích hoạt nó. Nhưng sau đó nó phải được tắt đi bởi công tắc tắt, hippocampus. Những gì chúng ta thấy trong não bộ của trẻ em là amygdala đang phát triển rất lớn một cách sớm, trong khi hippocampus, là công tắc tắt, thì rất nhỏ. Vì vậy, chúng ta có vấn đề này. Như chúng ta đã nói, Houston, chúng ta có một vấn đề. Chúng ta có một công tắc bật hoạt động ở tốc độ tối đa, ga, không có phanh, và không có công tắc tắt. Và điều đó đang gây ra ADHD, những vấn đề hành vi mà đang tăng lên lớn lao ở trẻ em trong trường học, rất nhiều sự hung hăng và bạo lực. Và đó là những gì đang diễn ra. Đây là một phản ứng căng thẳng. Và một lần nữa, thay vì đặt ra những câu hỏi đúng, như là điều này đến từ đâu? Cái gì đang gây ra căng thẳng? Thay vào đó, chúng ta làm im lặng nỗi đau của trẻ. Chúng ta nói với các bậc phụ huynh rằng chúng ta sẽ cho thuốc và chỉ cần giảm nhẹ triệu chứng. Đối với tôi, điều đó là sai lầm trong y học. Cách mà chúng ta điều trị ADHD là sai lầm trong y học. Một đứa trẻ phát triển, đi vào chế độ chiến đấu hoặc chạy trốn khi chúng chịu căng thẳng. Nó có thể là những yếu tố căng thẳng tâm lý xã hội ở nhà, trong gia đình. Nó có thể là ở trường. Nó có thể là với bạn bè của chúng. Nó có thể là một khuyết tật học tập. Có rất nhiều điều có thể gây ra căng thẳng cho trẻ em. Vì vậy, thay vì cho chúng uống thuốc, tại sao chúng ta không tìm hiểu sâu về điều gì đang xảy ra với đứa trẻ đó đang khiến chúng rơi vào trạng thái chiến đấu hoặc chạy trốn? Quan điểm đó phải không, tôi có hai câu hỏi ở đây. Câu hỏi đầu tiên là, làm thế nào bạn biết rằng đó là căng thẳng? Và câu hỏi thứ hai là, nếu đó là căng thẳng, thì vấn đề, hoặc ít nhất là sự thật không thoải mái mà nó tạo ra là phụ huynh phải chịu trách nhiệm. Đúng vậy, đó là sự thật không thoải mái. Về ADHD của con họ. Vâng, vâng. Đó là sự thật không thoải mái. Không đơn giản như vậy. Đôi khi là do gia đình. Thường thì là gia đình, đặc biệt là với những đứa trẻ nhỏ. Nhưng khi trẻ em đến trường, nó có thể là xã hội. Như tôi đã nói, bạn biết đấy, bạn không thể kiểm soát việc trẻ của bạn có bị tiếp xúc với các vấn đề xã hội hoặc bị bắt nạt hay có nhiều điều có thể gây căng thẳng cho trẻ em. Nhưng khi chúng còn rất nhỏ, bạn là môi trường của chúng. Vì vậy, sự thật không thoải mái là khi con bạn nhận được chẩn đoán ADHD, điều đầu tiên bạn nên làm là tìm đến một nhà trị liệu sẽ hướng dẫn cha mẹ bạn. Đừng vội vàng đưa đứa trẻ đó đến bác sĩ tâm thần để cho thuốc. Bạn hãy cùng người bạn đời hoặc vợ/chồng của mình nói chuyện với một chuyên gia hướng dẫn cha mẹ về điều gì có thể đang gây ra cho đứa trẻ này cảm thấy căng thẳng đến mức này. Hãy xem xét các yếu tố căng thẳng tâm lý xã hội. Hãy xem xét các ảnh hưởng và động lực trong cuộc sống của đứa trẻ này có thể đang khiến chúng đi vào trạng thái căng thẳng như vậy. Hãy cho tôi một số ví dụ về loại căng thẳng, những căng thẳng hàng ngày mà chúng ta hiện đang để trẻ em phải đối mặt đang dẫn đến ADHD theo ý kiến của bạn. Vâng, một lần nữa, hãy bắt đầu từ nhà.
    Tại nhà, những căng thẳng có thể đến từ việc họ được gửi đến trung tâm trẻ em từ khi còn nhỏ, điều này kích hoạt phản ứng amygdala, khiến phần não điều chỉnh căng thẳng hoạt động quá sớm. Giờ đây, bạn đã có phản ứng cảnh giác thái quá và họ không thể tắt nó đi, đúng không? Có thể là tình huống ly hôn; 50% các cặp vợ chồng ly hôn, điều này có nghĩa là ly hôn là một nghịch cảnh. Bạn biết không, tôi có một cuốn sách sẽ ra mắt trong một năm tới về cách thức ly hôn và giảm thiểu tác động của ly hôn đến trẻ em, nhưng không có gì thay đổi, ly hôn vẫn là một nghịch cảnh đối với trẻ em và là một áp lực khi cha mẹ tranh cãi kịch liệt trong nhà. Nếu trong nhà có những vấn đề về cạnh tranh giữa các anh chị em, hoặc nếu có sự ra đời của một đứa trẻ khác, thì điều đó cũng gây căng thẳng, đúng không? Nếu bạn có một anh chị em, dù bạn có tin hay không, điều đó là một điều rất căng thẳng. Nếu cha mẹ nhạy cảm về điều đó, thì có thể giảm thiểu được. Nhưng nếu cha mẹ không nhạy cảm về sự ra đời của đứa trẻ thứ hai và những cảm xúc mà đứa trẻ đầu lòng có thể có, thì điều đó có thể gây ra căng thẳng. Việc chuyển nhà có thể gây căng thẳng. Bệnh tật hay bệnh tâm thần ở một bậc phụ huynh có thể gây căng thẳng. Chứng nghiện rượu hay bất kỳ loại nghiện nào cũng có thể gây căng thẳng. Việc ông bà, chú, dì hoặc thậm chí là cha mẹ bị ốm và qua đời có thể gây ra căng thẳng. Ý tôi là, có rất nhiều điều có thể gây ra căng thẳng, nhưng điểm mấu chốt là căng thẳng có thể được điều chỉnh, nhưng chỉ có thể được điều chỉnh nếu cha mẹ tự suy ngẫm và tự nhận thức và sẵn sàng nhìn nhận vai trò của mình trong đó. Nếu cha mẹ gửi một đứa trẻ đến bác sĩ tâm thần và nói: “Hãy cứu chữa con tôi.” Tất nhiên, các bác sĩ tâm thần sẽ hợp tác với bạn và làm giảm sự đau khổ của con bạn, nhưng đó có phải là điều bạn thực sự muốn làm không? Bởi vì cuối cùng, bạn chỉ đang dùng ngón tay của mình chặn một cơn lũ, bạn đang chặn một con đê, và cuối cùng cái đê đó sẽ vỡ. Bạn sẽ nói gì về một số bằng chứng cho thấy có mối liên hệ với thành phần di truyền trong các nghiên cứu về sinh đôi? Họ đã phát hiện rằng ADHD có tính di truyền khoảng 74 đến 80%, khiến nó trở thành một trong những tình trạng tâm thần có ảnh hưởng di truyền cao nhất. Để tôi kể cho bạn một nghiên cứu khác sẽ giúp bạn hiểu về nghiên cứu đó, đó là chúng ta biết rằng không có tiền tố di truyền nào cho bệnh tâm thần. Không có tiền tố di truyền nào cho ADHD. Không có tiền tố di truyền nào cho trầm cảm, cũng không có tiền tố di truyền nào cho lo âu. Bạn có nghĩa là gì khi nói về tiền tố? Nghĩa là không có kết nối di truyền. Bạn không nhận được nó từ gen của mình. Nếu cha hoặc mẹ của bạn bị trầm cảm, bạn nhận được nó từ một cái gì đó gọi là sự kế thừa các đặc điểm đã có. Nếu bạn được nuôi dưỡng bởi một bậc phụ huynh bị trầm cảm, bạn có khả năng cao hơn để trở thành người bị trầm cảm. Đó là lập luận về bản chất và nuôi dưỡng. Được rồi, nhưng những gì họ đã phát hiện. Bây giờ, tâm thần phân liệt có liên quan di truyền đến rối loạn lưỡng cực. Những điều đó có tính di truyền, nhưng những điều còn lại thì không. Lo âu, trầm cảm, ADHD, không có di truyền. Những gì họ đã phát hiện là có sự gắn kết di truyền với một cái gọi là gen nhạy cảm. Đó là một alen ngắn trên thụ thể serotonin, và như chúng ta biết, serotonin được sử dụng để điều chỉnh cảm xúc tích cực, để điều chỉnh cảm xúc, đúng không? Vậy khi bạn có một alen ngắn, có nghĩa là bạn gặp khó khăn hơn trong việc tiếp nhận serotonin, nhưng cũng có nghĩa là bạn nhạy cảm hơn với căng thẳng. Giờ đây, những đứa trẻ sinh ra với gen này, cái alen ngắn trên gen thụ thể serotonin, chúng có khả năng cao hơn về bệnh tâm thần sau này do sự nhạy cảm với căng thẳng. Nghiên cứu cho thấy rằng nếu những đứa trẻ sinh ra với gen nhạy cảm này được cung cấp sự gắn bó bảo mật và hiện diện về mặt cảm xúc và thể chất trong năm đầu đời, điều đó làm trung hòa sự biểu hiện của gen đó. Vì vậy, di truyền học biểu sinh có nghĩa là chúng ta sinh ra với các gen, như bạn có thể có một gen cho bệnh viêm khớp dạng thấp, hoặc bạn có thể có một gen cho ung thư, nhưng nó chưa bao giờ được biểu hiện. Chà, tất cả chúng ta đều có gen cho điều gì đó, nhưng chúng không nhất thiết phải được biểu hiện. Đó là những gì di truyền học biểu sinh. Nó có nghĩa là môi trường phải kích hoạt gen để làm cho nó hoạt động, hãy cùng tổ chức nào nhé? Những gì nó cho thấy trong nghiên cứu này là những đứa trẻ sinh ra với tiền tố di truyền này, nhạy cảm với căng thẳng, nếu chúng có cha mẹ nhạy cảm, đồng cảm, nuôi nấng và hiện diện trong năm đầu đời, điều đó đã trung hòa sự biểu hiện của gen đó. Vậy những đứa trẻ này có thể khỏe mạnh như những đứa trẻ sinh ra mà không có gen đó. Tuy nhiên, nếu những đứa trẻ sinh ra với gen nhạy cảm này bị bỏ rơi, bị bỏ mặc, không được cung cấp sự nuôi nấng nhạy cảm, đồng cảm và hiện diện, điều đó sẽ làm trầm trọng thêm gen đó. Vì vậy, chúng ta biết rằng gen nhạy cảm đó có liên quan và tương quan với bệnh tâm thần sau này, trừ khi sự nuôi nấng nhạy cảm, đồng cảm, nuôi dưỡng có thể làm giảm tính chất của gen đó. Và bạn sẽ nói gì với những người chỉ ra các quét MRI? FMRIs, và vâng, có rất nhiều bài kiểm tra thần kinh bây giờ mà chúng ta có thể thấy não hoạt động. Vì vậy, nó không phải là một cái gì đó tĩnh. Chúng ta thực sự có thể thấy dòng máu đến não. Chúng ta có thể thấy hoạt động điện trong não. Thực sự rất tuyệt vời. Nhưng một số người nói rằng điều này chứng minh rằng đó là cách não của bạn hoạt động. Và rất nhiều bạn bè của tôi có ADHD, khi họ nói về ADHD của họ hoặc cách mà họ là, họ nói: “Não của tôi hoạt động như thế này.” Không, điều đó không đúng. Não của họ nhạy cảm với căng thẳng. Một người có ADHD nhạy cảm hơn với căng thẳng. Vì vậy, bạn có thể hỏi họ những câu hỏi như thế này. Bạn có thể nói: “Bạn có phải là người nhạy cảm hơn không? Bạn có nhạy cảm hơn với tiếng ồn, với mùi vị, với cảm giác khi bạn còn là trẻ nhỏ không? Bạn có không thích những điều ngứa không? Bạn có khóc nhiều hơn không? Bạn có nhạy cảm hơn khi cha mẹ bạn ra ngoài vào ban đêm không? Hay bạn có nhạy cảm hơn khi mẹ bạn đi làm? Hay bạn có nhạy cảm hơn khi bạn được để lại ở trường mẫu giáo?” Và họ có lẽ sẽ trả lời có. Nhưng nếu họ nói không và họ vẫn có chẩn đoán ADHD, tôi sẽ đảm bảo, gần như đảm bảo rằng họ sẽ không nói không. Bởi vì những người có ADHD là những người nhạy cảm.
    Cảm xúc là một sức mạnh tuyệt vời nếu nó được đáp lại bằng sự cảm thông. Nếu bạn có một đứa trẻ nhạy cảm, vậy thì một đứa trẻ nhạy cảm sẽ như thế nào? Nếu bạn có nhiều đứa trẻ, thì bạn biết, bởi vì điều đầu tiên tôi sẽ làm khi tôi có một buổi nói chuyện công khai là tôi sẽ hỏi, được rồi, mọi người ở đây, ai có một đứa trẻ nhạy cảm? Và tôi mô tả, được rồi, đứa trẻ nhạy cảm là một đứa trẻ hay khóc hơn, khó an ủi hơn, hay bám víu hơn, không thích bạn rời bỏ chúng, khó khăn hơn trong việc tách ra, khó khăn hơn trong việc đi ngủ và để ngủ một mình, nhạy cảm với những thứ như tiếng ồn, mùi hương và cảm giác…
    Nếu bạn lớn lên trong một môi trường căng thẳng, và một lần nữa, bạn đã xác định rằng căng thẳng có thể đến từ nhiều hình thức. Nó có thể là cha mẹ cãi vã, có thể là hàng xóm hoặc bất kỳ yếu tố môi trường nào gây ra căng thẳng đó. Bạn nhạy cảm, bạn phát triển ADHD, bạn trở thành người lớn, bạn được chẩn đoán ở tuổi 30 là mắc ADHD. Bạn được đề nghị dùng thuốc, bạn uống thuốc, thuốc làm cho bạn hoạt động hiệu quả hơn trong sự nghiệp, trong các mối quan hệ, trong cuộc sống của bạn. Đó là một chất kích thích. Vì vậy, những gì chất kích thích làm là chúng có thể gây ra lo âu rất lớn, có thể gây ra cơn hoảng loạn ở tuổi thiếu niên, có thể gây ra vấn đề tăng trưởng. Vì vậy, tôi có những bệnh nhân đến với tôi, những người trẻ không phát triển, vì họ đã được cho dùng chất kích thích khi còn nhỏ.
    Về mặt hậu quả của việc sử dụng chất kích thích, hội đồng vẫn chưa đưa ra phán quyết, nhưng chúng ta biết rằng chúng gây ra các vấn đề tăng trưởng, gây ra cơn hoảng loạn, gây ra rối loạn lo âu, gây ra trầm cảm. Chúng khá cứu sống, chúng cứu sống nhiều người trong việc có một- Chúng có thể là như thế. Vì vậy, điều tôi muốn nói là nếu bạn đã thử mọi cách để tìm ra nguyên nhân căng thẳng gây ra phản ứng của bạn như vậy, và bạn vẫn cảm thấy như vậy, thì đôi khi thuốc có thể là một biện pháp cứu sống. Vấn đề là chúng ta thường tìm đến thuốc cho thanh thiếu niên, trẻ em và người lớn trẻ, chúng ta coi nó như một loại thuốc tăng cường hiệu suất, bởi vì có quá nhiều căng thẳng trong cuộc sống hiện đại và có nhu cầu lớn cho mọi người phải hoạt động và thành công trong sự nghiệp và trong trường học và đạt điểm tốt. Có quá nhiều áp lực lên trẻ em.
    Tôi 60 tuổi và chúng tôi không có áp lực như vậy khi lớn lên. Và thế hệ tiếp theo phải chịu áp lực rất lớn. Áp lực đó khiến trẻ em thực sự mất kiểm soát. Chúng ta có thể nói về áp lực học tập, tính cạnh tranh, sự hoàn hảo. ADHD là một thùng chứa. Đó là một thùng chứa bạn bỏ những người bị lo âu chưa bao giờ được điều trị vào. Và có nhiều cách để suy nghĩ về điều trị nữa. Chúng ta là một xã hội thích những giải pháp bề mặt nhanh chóng. Chúng ta thích thuốc, chúng ta thích liệu pháp CBT. Sự thật là đây không phải là một giải pháp nhanh chóng. Việc tìm hiểu một cách mối quan hệ, động lực, những gì đã xảy ra với bạn khi còn là một đứa trẻ, những mất mát của bạn là gì, những chấn thương của bạn là gì, điều gì đã khiến bạn cảm thấy lo âu như vậy, điều gì đã khiến bạn phải chiến đấu hoặc chạy trốn là một công việc khó khăn. Nó đòi hỏi sự thất vọng. Nó đòi hỏi sự cam kết. Nó đòi hỏi việc đến với một người có thể suy nghĩ thật sâu với bạn.
    Bạn biết đấy, tôi muốn định nghĩa điều gì là lo âu vì tôi nghĩ điều đó thực sự quan trọng bởi vì chúng ta hiếm khi định nghĩa trầm cảm và lo âu. Trầm cảm là sự lo lắng về những mất mát trong quá khứ. Lo âu là sự lo lắng về những mất mát trong tương lai có thể không bao giờ xảy ra. Điều gì chung giữa chúng? Tất cả đều liên quan đến mất mát. Tất cả đều là về mất mát. Và bạn có thể nói rằng các thế hệ hiện tại rất lo lắng về mất mát. Mất mát về địa vị, thành tựu, nhưng vì chúng ta cũng rất lo lắng về việc có được thứ gì. Chà, chúng ta lo lắng về những thứ mà tôi gọi là, bạn biết đấy, tôi không muốn phán xét, nhưng tôi muốn nói là những thứ không quan trọng trong cuộc sống. Những điều quan trọng trong cuộc sống là gì? Các mối quan hệ, tình yêu, kết nối, sức khỏe, đúng không? Bạn có thể nói một cách khách quan, gia đình. Đây là những điều quan trọng trong cuộc sống. Nhưng chúng ta đã trở nên rất lo lắng về thành công vật chất, tiền bạc, thành tựu nghề nghiệp và sự nổi tiếng. Tôi nghĩ đã có một nghiên cứu phỏng vấn thanh thiếu niên và kết quả rất đáng thất vọng vì họ nói rằng điều họ muốn nhất trong cuộc sống là nổi tiếng. Và vì vậy, chúng ta đang lo lắng về những điều sai lầm.
    Về vấn đề căng thẳng và mối liên hệ với ADHD, nhìn vào một số nghiên cứu từ nhóm giáo dục nghiên cứu injury.com. Nó nói rằng trẻ em có điểm ACE, điểm dựa trên chấn thương, mà tôi nghĩ là có tới 10 câu hỏi khác nhau, với một điểm ACE từ bốn trở lên. Vì vậy, bốn trải nghiệm chấn thương trở lên có gần bốn lần, tức là 400% nhiều khả năng có ADHD được cha mẹ báo cáo so với trẻ em không có ACE. Và một số yếu tố có ảnh hưởng lớn là khó khăn kinh tế gia tăng khả năng bạn có ADHD lên 40%, ly hôn của cha mẹ 35%, bệnh tâm thần trong gia đình hoặc một cha mẹ mắc bệnh tâm thần làm tăng lên gần 60%, 55%, tôi tin rằng, và bạo lực trong khu phố gần 50%, giam giữ trong gia đình. Vì vậy, nếu một cha mẹ vào tù, thì điều đó cũng tăng khả năng bạn có ADHD khoảng 40%. Và điều này được công bố bởi, tôi nghĩ là New England. Vâng. Hoặc Thư viện Quốc gia Y tế, Trung tâm Thông tin Sinh học Quốc gia. Vâng, vì vậy hãy nhớ những gì tôi đã nói, rằng bạn không thể kiểm soát mọi thứ xảy ra với con bạn. Ly hôn có xảy ra và khó khăn xảy ra với trẻ em. Vấn đề sức khỏe xảy ra với trẻ em. Những gì bạn có thể kiểm soát là bạn có thể kiểm soát ba năm đầu tiên và có mặt càng nhiều càng tốt cho con bạn. Vì vậy, nếu con tôi bắt đầu la hét trong một siêu thị, một trong những lời khuyên phổ biến nói rằng chỉ cần rời đi hoặc bắt đầu la hét chính bạn như một bậc phụ huynh để cho chúng thấy.
    Tôi có phải chỉ bỏ qua con mình khi nó khóc và gây rối không?
    Có phải tôi nên dừng những gì tôi đang làm và đi quan tâm đến nó không?
    Tôi phải làm gì trong những tình huống này?
    Bạn sẽ gọi điện cho tôi thường xuyên, Stephen.
    Bạn hãy cẩn thận, vì nếu bạn hứa như vậy, tôi hứa, tôi hứa, tôi sẽ nằm trong danh bạ của bạn.
    Bạn chỉ muốn bỏ nghề và tập trung vào việc nuôi dạy con cái của tôi.
    Không, bạn có thể làm điều đó, không, nhưng bạn có thể gọi cho tôi.
    Tôi đã ghi lại điều này trên video.
    Điều đó có giá trị về mặt pháp lý.
    Không, bạn có thể gọi cho tôi thường xuyên.
    Bao nhiêu?
    Vâng, bạn có thể, bao nhiêu cũng được.
    Vậy thỏa thuận là, bạn không la mắng con cái của bạn.
    Một bậc phụ huynh biết điều chỉnh cảm xúc,
    một bậc phụ huynh khỏe mạnh sẽ tạo ra một đứa trẻ khỏe mạnh.
    Vậy một bậc phụ huynh khỏe mạnh là gì?
    Một bậc phụ huynh khỏe mạnh là người có cảm giác tốt về bản thân,
    có lòng tự trọng chân thật,
    không phải kiêu ngạo, nhưng thực sự cảm thấy tốt về bản thân,
    biết rõ điểm mạnh và hạn chế của mình,
    và tổng thể, là một con người hoàn chỉnh, cảm thấy tốt về bản thân.
    Họ có khả năng điều chỉnh cảm xúc của mình,
    giữ cho cảm xúc của họ không bị quá cao hoặc quá thấp.
    Hãy nhớ, chèo thuyền ở Caribbean,
    nghĩa là họ có thể giữ bình tĩnh trong bão,
    nhạy cảm và đồng cảm như một người nuôi dưỡng.
    Đây là những dấu hiệu của sự khỏe mạnh ở một bậc phụ huynh.
    Vậy nếu con tôi nói, “Con muốn gói kẹo đó,”
    và tôi nói, “Con không thể có gói kẹo đó.”
    Chà, trước tiên bạn phải, vì trước khi bạn kỷ luật,
    bạn luôn muốn đồng cảm trước.
    Vì vậy tôi luôn nói rằng nếu bạn sẽ kỷ luật một đứa trẻ,
    trước tiên bạn phải nhận ra cảm xúc của chúng.
    Ý tôi là, nhận ra cảm xúc của trẻ em là quan trọng ở mọi lúc,
    nghĩa là khi bạn nhận ra cảm xúc của trẻ,
    nếu chúng buồn, bạn phản ánh nỗi buồn của chúng.
    Nếu chúng tức giận, bạn nói, “Tôi thấy bạn đang tức giận.”
    Nếu chúng hạnh phúc, bạn nhìn thấy chúng và cảm thấy hạnh phúc cùng với chúng.
    Loại phản chiếu đó là cách mà con bạn biết
    rằng bạn công nhận chúng, rằng chúng là một người với bạn,
    rằng chúng là một người riêng biệt với bạn.
    Đó là cách chúng cảm thấy có giá trị.
    Vì vậy khi bạn công nhận cảm xúc của chúng,
    đó là điều quan trọng đầu tiên, bạn có thể nói, cha mẹ 101.
    Công nhận cảm xúc của con bạn.
    Vì vậy tôi sẽ quay sang con mình và nói, “Con muốn kẹo hay con đói?”
    Vâng, bạn có thể nói, “Tôi thấy rằng bạn thực sự muốn gói kẹo đó.
    Tôi thấy thật khó khăn vì bạn thực sự muốn nó,
    nhưng bạn biết rằng bạn không thể có nó trước bữa tối.
    Bạn biết đó là quy tắc.”
    Và rồi chúng bắt đầu la hét và khóc.
    Và rồi chúng bắt đầu la hét và bạn nói,
    “Bạn đang sử dụng phương thức giao tiếp lập đi lập lại,”
    nơi bạn nói, “Ồ, tôi thấy điều này thật khó khăn cho bạn,
    nhưng bạn vẫn không thể có kẹo.”
    Và bạn ở bên chúng và tiếp tục đồng cảm
    và sau đó thiết lập cấu trúc, đồng cảm cấu trúc, đồng cảm cấu trúc.
    Sai lầm mà các bậc phụ huynh mắc phải là họ ngay lập tức nói không.
    Họ không sử dụng sự đồng cảm, họ không đưa sự đồng cảm vào.
    Và sự thật là ngay cả khi là một người lớn,
    nếu ai đó chỉ nói không mà không nhận ra cảm xúc của bạn trước,
    bạn cảm thấy rất không thỏa mãn, đúng không?
    Đối với một đứa trẻ, điều này là rất quan trọng.
    Điều này rất quan trọng là ngay cả khi bạn phải nói không,
    và đặc biệt nếu bạn phải nói không,
    bạn trước tiên phải công nhận cảm xúc của chúng.
    Ý tôi là, đó là điều mà tất cả các chuyên gia về mối quan hệ trong chương trình nói với tôi.
    Họ nói nếu bạn muốn thành công trong một mối quan hệ lãng mạn,
    thì trước tiên bạn phải làm cho đối tác của bạn cảm thấy được lắng nghe và hiểu.
    Đúng vậy.
    Ngay cả khi bạn không đồng ý trong một cuộc cãi vã,
    trước tiên hãy công nhận những gì họ đã nói, có thể lặp lại lại cho họ,
    và rồi họ sẽ cảm thấy được lắng nghe và hiểu
    và điều đó thì sẽ dừng cái việc lập đi lập lại.
    Bạn có nghĩ rằng tôi là một đứa trẻ bị chấn thương không?
    Tôi không biết.
    Tôi chưa nghe về quá khứ bị chấn thương của bạn.
    Nếu đúng vậy, nếu bạn có một chấn thương,
    tôi sẽ nói chúng ta đều vậy, nên cho phép tôi nói điều này,
    có một từ gọi là chấn thương lớn được sử dụng khá nhiều.
    Tôi có thể nói về nó một chút không?
    Có điều gì đó gọi là chấn thương lớn, đúng không?
    Chấn thương lớn giống như tôi đã bị tai nạn xe và mất chân,
    hoặc tôi mất cha mẹ, mẹ tôi qua đời vì ung thư não,
    hoặc cha tôi là người nghiện rượu và đánh tôi,
    hoặc có những điều cụ thể hơn
    mà bạn có thể nắm giữ, những điều xảy ra với con người.
    Vâng, tôi đã bị cưỡng hiếp, hoặc bạn biết đấy, đó là chấn thương lớn.
    Nhưng tin hay không, có lẽ ít người phải chịu đựng chấn thương lớn
    và nhiều người phải chịu đựng chấn thương nhỏ.
    Và chấn thương nhỏ thì tinh tế hơn.
    Nó đòi hỏi việc nhìn nhận kỹ hơn vào các vấn đề.
    Nó mang tính mối quan hệ nhiều hơn.
    Nó là, tôi bị mẹ tôi bỏ rơi một cách tinh tế.
    Mẹ tôi không phải là một người lắng nghe tốt.
    Mẹ tôi yêu tôi, nhưng cha tôi yêu tôi,
    nhưng ông chưa bao giờ hiểu tôi.
    Bố mẹ tôi có tính tự mãn và rất ích kỷ.
    Họ không bao giờ có mặt, bạn biết đấy,
    và vì vậy mọi người sẽ vào văn phòng của tôi
    và ngồi xuống, những cá nhân để trị liệu,
    và họ sẽ nói, bạn biết đấy, tôi không biết có gì sai với tôi.
    Tôi có hai bậc phụ huynh sống bên nhau.
    Tôi có tất cả của cải vật chất mà tôi cần.
    Tôi không bao giờ thiếu thốn vật chất.
    Bạn biết đấy, cha mẹ tôi sống bên nhau,
    và tôi không biết có gì sai với tôi.
    Và vì vậy tôi nói, được rồi, vậy bạn đang nói với tôi rằng không có
    điều gì lớn lao và chấn thương đã xảy ra với bạn trong cuộc sống.
    Bây giờ hãy nói về sự tinh tế.
    Và chúng ta không còn tinh tế nữa,
    vì vậy chúng ta không muốn nhìn vào những nguyên nhân gây ra hầu hết các dạng
    bệnh tâm thần, trầm cảm, lo âu.
    Ngay cả ADHD cũng là những gì liên quan đến những mối quan hệ trong gia đình.
    Và bạn nghĩa là gì với những mối quan hệ tinh tế?
    Có thể là…
    Sự bỏ rơi.
    Sự bỏ rơi.
    Bị bỏ qua, có một bậc phụ huynh bị bệnh tâm thần mà không ai biết đến.
    Có thể là một người mẹ trầm cảm ngủ dậy muộn vào buổi sáng
    và không dậy cho bạn ăn.
    Bạn biết đấy, bạn dậy và tự lo cho bản thân,
    hoặc có thể bạn là một đứa trẻ tự lập có chìa khóa trở về nhà
    và bạn bị cô lập và một mình.
    Và có những điều mà mọi người không thể nhìn thấy, nhưng bạn thì thấy.
    Và đó là lý do tại sao mọi người,
    tôi sẽ nói hầu hết mọi người tham gia trị liệu,
    không phải vì những chấn thương lớn, tin hay không tin,
    mặc dù nghiên cứu ACEs cho thấy, bạn biết đấy,
    nghiện rượu, nghiện ma túy, tất nhiên,
    đó là những chấn thương lớn.
    Hầu hết mọi người đến trị liệu vì những chấn thương nhỏ.
    Và lý do mà điều đó khá khó khăn
    cho những người đó là không có nhiều sự củng cố
    từ xã hội rằng đó cũng là chấn thương.
    Nhưng thực tế, chúng là chấn thương.
    Chấn thương gắn bó, bạn biết đấy, nếu bạn từng bị gửi vào nhà trẻ.
    Và tôi có những bệnh nhân đến với tôi và nói,
    Tôi có thể nhớ được việc được gửi vào nhà trẻ.
    Và bạn biết đấy, bạn không nên nhớ những điều
    cho đến khi được bốn hoặc năm tuổi.
    Nhưng một số bệnh nhân có thể nhớ những mảnh ký ức dưới năm tuổi.
    Họ sẽ nói, tôi đã bị gửi vào nhà trẻ.
    Tất cả những gì tôi có thể nhớ là đã hét lên hết sức mình
    vì mẹ tôi.
    Bạn không thích nhà trẻ, phải không?
    Không.
    Có gì sai với nhà trẻ?
    Nhà trẻ làm tăng mức cortisol nước bọt ở trẻ em.
    Các nghiên cứu cho thấy, điều đó có nghĩa là những đứa trẻ đó bị đưa vào
    các trạng thái căng thẳng khi còn rất nhỏ
    khi não của chúng đang phát triển.
    Nhà trẻ đã được biết là làm tăng sự hung hăng
    và lo âu cũng như các vấn đề hành vi ở trường,
    trong những năm học.
    Và những đứa trẻ đó có khả năng
    phát triển rối loạn gắn bó cao hơn.
    Hãy nhớ ba năm đầu tiên
    khi trẻ em rất mong manh và dễ bị tổn thương,
    việc lấy chúng ra khỏi cơ thể bạn như một hình mẫu gắn bó chính
    và giao chúng cho người lạ
    và để chúng ở đó hàng giờ sẽ khiến con bạn phải phát triển những phòng vệ bệnh lý.
    Và đó là điều mà những đứa trẻ đó buộc phải làm.
    Vì vậy, đây là lựa chọn kém nhất về chăm sóc trẻ em.
    Vậy hãy nói về những lựa chọn chăm sóc trẻ em tốt hơn
    nếu bạn phải sử dụng chăm sóc trẻ em.
    Bạn biết chúng ta thường nói sữa mẹ là tốt nhất, và đúng là vậy vì nhiều lý do.
    Nhưng tốt nhất là hình mẫu gắn bó chính của bạn
    trong ba năm đầu tiên, càng nhiều càng tốt.
    Hình mẫu gắn bó chính, bạn nghĩa là mẹ?
    Chà, không, có thể là cha.
    Đó là người mà bạn có thể hướng tới và là người chăm sóc nhạy cảm, đồng cảm.
    Vì vậy, khi đứa bé gặp khó khăn, đứa bé sẽ được đáp ứng nhu cầu tình cảm.
    Có thể là cha.
    Có thể là cha,
    nhưng trước tiên cha phải học cách trở thành một người nhạy cảm.
    Điều này không tự nhiên đối với hầu hết đàn ông.
    Với những trường hợp hiếm hoi, tôi đã biết một số bệnh nhân
    nơi chồng, người cha, nhạy cảm hơn cả mẹ.
    Điều đó là khả thi.
    Nhưng nhìn chung, theo bản năng,
    các ông bố không phải là những người chăm sóc nhạy cảm, đồng cảm
    vì đó là điều đi ngược lại với bản năng tiến hóa của họ.
    Bản năng tiến hóa của họ,
    nếu bạn là một con vật ở đồng cỏ châu Phi,
    bạn là một con impala.
    Bạn là một con impala cha.
    Con của bạn vừa được sinh ra và nó chạy ra ngoài vì chúng vậy.
    Chúng giống như được sinh ra và bạn đang chạy cùng nhau.
    Bạn đứng sau con bé và nói,
    đi nào bạn nhỏ, bạn tốt nhất là đi đi
    nếu không bạn sẽ trở thành bữa trưa cho con sư tử.
    Đó là bản năng của một người cha là bảo vệ.
    Đó là sự hung hăng bảo vệ.
    Điều đó khác với việc con impala con ngã xuống
    và mẹ nó chạy lại liếm con và nói,
    bạn có ổn không, cưng?
    Tôi có thể ôm bạn không?
    Nếu con impala có thể nói.
    Vì vậy, đó là bản năng khác nhau.
    Vì vậy, các ông bố có thể được dạy để trở thành hình mẫu gắn bó chính,
    nhưng đó là lý do tôi nói rằng thật sự quan trọng
    là chúng ta nhận ra sự khác biệt giữa đàn ông và phụ nữ.
    Nếu chúng ta chỉ nghĩ rằng họ hoàn toàn giống nhau
    và chúng ta đưa một người cha vào tình huống cùng với một đứa trẻ sơ sinh
    còn mẹ thì ra ngoài và cha ở nhà,
    nếu chúng ta không nói về những điều này
    và nói về nó một cách công khai và nói,
    khi đứa bé khóc, bạn phải phản chiếu cảm xúc của đứa bé.
    Bạn phải làm da kề da.
    Bạn phải xoa dịu đứa bé,
    không khuyến khích sự kiên cường, không làm phân tâm đứa bé,
    không sử dụng cảm xúc không đồng nhất với đứa bé.
    Nếu đứa bé khóc, đừng nói, ôi, con ổn mà.
    Bạn sẽ ổn thôi.
    Không, không.
    Vì vậy, thật sự quan trọng
    nếu người cha ở nhà
    thì anh ta phải học cách trở thành một người mẹ.
    Bạn biết đấy, đôi khi các cặp đôi đồng tính sẽ đến với tôi
    và tôi sẽ nói, bạn biết đấy, hai người đàn ông đồng tính sẽ đến.
    Tôi sẽ nói, ai trong số các bạn sẽ là người mẹ?
    Bây giờ điều này có vẻ không đúng chính trị,
    nhưng ai đó phải đảm nhận vai trò đó.
    Bạn không thể có hai người cha cho một đứa trẻ.
    Một đứa trẻ cần có mẹ và cha.
    Nếu bạn có hai người đàn ông,
    thì một trong số họ phải đóng vai trò nhạy cảm, đồng cảm.
    Người còn lại phải đảm nhận vai trò gia tăng cảm giác vui vẻ, kích thích.
    Cũng giống như với hai người phụ nữ đang nuôi dạy trẻ.
    Tốt hơn là có một người cha và một người mẹ còn hơn hai người mẹ.
    Vậy ai trong số các bạn sẽ là người cha?
    Ai trong số các bạn sẽ chơi đùa và chơi bóng rổ
    và lăn lộn trên mặt đất và làm trò với đứa bé
    và khuyến khích sự khám phá và chấp nhận rủi ro –
    Bạn không thể chia sẻ vai trò đó sao?
    Không, không, không.
    Và tôi sẽ nói với bạn lý do.
    Điều đó rất gây nhầm lẫn cho trẻ em.
    Khi cha mẹ nói, tôi vừa là mẹ vừa là cha của con tôi,
    tôi nói, không, không, điều đó rất gây nhầm lẫn cho trẻ em.
    Chúng cần có một hình mẫu mẹ và một hình mẫu cha.
    Và tôi nói điều này với việc biết bối cảnh chính trị ngày nay
    và biết tình hình xã hội hiện tại,
    bạn có thể có một hình mẫu mẹ mà không phải là mẹ.
    Có thể là một người giúp việc.
    Có thể là một người bà.
    Bạn cần có một hình mẫu mẹ.
    Và bạn cần hình mẫu mẹ đó có mặt nhiều.
    Nếu hình mẫu mẹ đó là người cung cấp
    sự chăm sóc nhạy cảm và đồng cảm.
    Vì vậy, một số điều này có thể được dạy,
    nhưng không thể được dạy trừ khi bạn trước tiên công nhận
    rằng có sự khác biệt.
    Nếu chúng ta không thể, như một xã hội, công nhận sự thật không thoải mái
    rằng đàn ông và phụ nữ khác nhau
    về hành vi chăm sóc của họ,
    thì chúng ta không thể dạy bất kỳ ai điều gì.
    Tôi đang nhìn vào một số thống kê ở đây trước mặt tôi trên một đồ thị,
    điều mà tôi vừa đọc trong khi bạn giải thích,
    vì nó có vẻ khá phù hợp.
    Và nó cho thấy rằng vào năm 1960, một trong mười người mẹ
    là người kiếm tiền chính duy nhất.
    Bây giờ con số đó gần đạt tới một nửa.
    Nó đang trên đường đến nửa.
    Tôi biết.
    Gần một nửa số bà mẹ là người kiếm sống chính hoặc duy nhất vào năm 2016. Vì vậy, ý tôi là, những bà mẹ này không thể đơn giản bỏ việc. Đây là một câu hỏi hay. Tôi nhận được nhiều người đến với tôi và nói, và điều này rất phổ biến, tôi muốn bỏ việc. Tôi muốn thu nhỏ lại. Tôi muốn làm việc bán thời gian. Nhưng chồng tôi không ủng hộ điều đó vì tôi đã hứa rằng tôi sẽ là người kiếm sống chính. Và giờ tôi muốn thay đổi, nhưng anh ấy không sẵn sàng thay đổi, hoặc anh ấy không ủng hộ tôi từ bỏ công việc có mức lương cao. Nhưng tôi cảm thấy sự chuyển mình khi ở bên con tôi, và tôi không muốn rời xa con. Vấn đề với những người trẻ là họ hứa hẹn với nhau. Họ đưa ra những lời hứa mà có lẽ họ không nên làm. Đừng hứa với người phối ngẫu của bạn rằng mọi thứ sẽ không thay đổi khi bạn có con. Hãy nói với người phối ngẫu của bạn, hãy chuẩn bị cho mọi thứ sẽ thay đổi. Hãy tin rằng mọi thứ đều có thể xảy ra, và hãy chuẩn bị. Hãy lập chiến lược. Hãy nói, nếu tôi muốn ở nhà với đứa trẻ thì sao? Nếu tôi, có thể bây giờ tôi không cảm thấy như vậy, nhưng nếu tôi nhìn thấy đứa trẻ này, và tôi yêu đứa trẻ này, và tôi muốn ở nhà, và tôi là mẹ, và tôi muốn cho con bú, và tôi không muốn trở lại làm việc trong một thời gian? Và sau đó bạn nói, kịch bản đó sẽ như thế nào? Chúng tôi có thể làm gì? Chúng tôi có thể thu nhỏ những gì trong cuộc sống vật chất và lối sống của mình để tôi có thể ở nhà? Và tôi không nghĩ chúng ta làm điều đó. Thay vào đó, phụ nữ nói, không có gì sẽ thay đổi, và đàn ông cũng nói không có gì sẽ thay đổi. Và rồi họ có con, và họ không chuẩn bị cho những thay đổi xảy ra. Thay đổi cũng xảy ra ở đàn ông. Không chỉ phụ nữ. Ý tôi là, các ông bố cũng có thể có sự chuyển mình này, đúng không? Họ cũng muốn làm việc ít hơn, hoặc đôi khi sự chuyển mình xảy ra khi họ muốn làm việc ít hơn và ở nhà. Đôi khi, nó xảy ra ở chỗ muốn ra ngoài và đối mặt với thế giới để họ có thể nuôi sống gia đình. Nhưng điều đó thực sự kích thích một điều gì đó. Nó kích thích một phản ứng tiến hóa nào đó ở cả đàn ông và phụ nữ. Điều khó khăn nhất mà tôi thấy là khi đàn ông và phụ nữ cạnh tranh với nhau. Ngày xưa thì dễ hơn nhiều. Bây giờ, không phải mọi thứ đều tốt trong những ngày xưa, nhưng bạn có thể nói rằng ý tưởng về các vai trò đã được xác định có nghĩa là đàn ông và phụ nữ không cạnh tranh về vai trò của mình. Bây giờ, điều đang gây ra nhiều cuộc ly hôn này và gây ra nhiều mâu thuẫn trong hôn nhân là đàn ông và phụ nữ cạnh tranh về mọi thứ. Họ cạnh tranh về ai sẽ kiếm nhiều tiền hơn. Họ cạnh tranh về ai sẽ chăm sóc đứa trẻ. Và vì vậy, giống như bạn là giám đốc điều hành của một công ty, bạn có công ty riêng của mình. Vì vậy, bạn không thể có đồng giám đốc điều hành. Ý tôi là, tôi không biết nếu bạn có, nhưng nó không hoạt động. Ý tôi, bất cứ ai mà tôi đã từng điều trị và nói rằng chúng tôi sẽ làm đồng giám đốc điều hành, nó luôn bị sụp đổ. Bạn có thể có một giám đốc điều hành, bạn có thể có một chủ tịch, bạn có thể có người đứng đầu marketing, bạn có thể có một giám đốc tài chính, bạn có thể có một giám đốc điều hành. Đây là những vai trò khác nhau. Và họ không cạnh tranh với nhau. Họ làm việc như một đội. Làm cha mẹ là một môn thể thao đồng đội, không phải một môn thể thao cạnh tranh. Và vì vậy, điều đang xảy ra ngày hôm nay, vì tất cả sự trung lập về giới và chúng ta cũng tốt như bạn và bạn cũng tốt như tôi và chúng ta là như nhau, có nghĩa là các cặp vợ chồng đang cạnh tranh với nhau. Và điều đó đang tạo ra rất nhiều căng thẳng vì điều tốt nhất là khi các cặp đôi bổ sung cho nhau. Khi sự khác biệt của họ có nghĩa là như một đội, họ làm việc tốt để chăm sóc cho một đứa trẻ. Và tôi sẽ nói rằng bí quyết thành công trong hôn nhân là hãy giữ cho sự cạnh tranh của bạn ở sân quần vợt, ở sân bóng rổ, khi chạy trong công viên. Nhưng đừng cạnh tranh về việc nuôi dạy trẻ. Ai sẽ chăm sóc cho bọn trẻ? Đừng cạnh tranh về ai kiếm nhiều tiền hơn. Hãy tìm cách để bổ sung cho nhau và trở thành một đội. Có rất nhiều bà mẹ đang lắng nghe bây giờ rất hướng tới sự nghiệp. Và bạn có thể đang gây ra một số khủng hoảng tồn tại. Bạn có thể đang khẳng định nhiều điều mà họ tin tưởng và nghĩ và cảm thấy một cách trực giác. Bạn có đang nói rằng đối với những người phụ nữ theo đuổi sự nghiệp cao và vai trò lãnh đạo, mà cũng muốn có con, thì đó là một trong hai? Không, tôi đang nói rằng có những nghề nghiệp nhất định mà thực tế là. Đây là sự thật không thoải mái một lần nữa, một loạt những sự thật không thoải mái. Có một số nghề nghiệp mà rất khó để trở thành một người mẹ tốt. Chấm hết. Tôi đang nói rằng tôi biết đó là một câu nói khó nghe, nhưng đó là sự thật. Có những nghề nghiệp nhất định yêu cầu quá nhiều để có thể hiện diện cho con bạn, bất kể bạn là mẹ hay bố. Bạn nghĩ nếu bạn là một người bố là giám đốc điều hành đang đi khắp thế giới và bỏ lỡ sinh nhật của con, và bỏ lỡ trận bóng đá của con, và bỏ lỡ buổi hòa nhạc piano của con, và không có mặt để đón chúng ở trường hoặc ăn sáng cùng chúng hoặc ăn tối vào cuối ngày, bạn nghĩ đứa trẻ đó sẽ có một mối quan hệ lành mạnh với người đó? Một huyền thoại khác. Ở đây chúng ta. Tôi đã nói với bạn rằng tôi sẽ kết hợp các huyền thoại vào. Thời gian chất lượng so với thời gian số lượng. Bạn không thể ở đó cho con cái của bạn. Vào thời gian của riêng bạn, bạn phải ở đó vào thời gian của chúng. Có nghĩa là thời gian chất lượng là một ảo tưởng vị kỷ. Tôi có thể ở đó vào thời gian của mình. Vì vậy, đứa trẻ của tôi ngồi ở nhà như một cái bình trên kệ chờ tôi về nhà. Và sau đó tôi về nhà và ở đó tôi có thể có mặt cho con tôi. Đứa con của bạn đã cần bạn suốt cả ngày. Và khi bạn về nhà, đó là vào thời gian của bạn. Bạn cần có mặt với cả chất lượng và số lượng thời gian. Tôi luôn nói với mọi người rằng bạn có thể hiện diện về mặt thể chất nhưng lại không có mặt về mặt cảm xúc. Nhưng bạn không thể có mặt về mặt cảm xúc nếu bạn không có mặt về mặt thể chất. Đủ thường xuyên. Và đó chỉ là một thực tế. Vậy những nghề nào thực sự tốt cho người sẽ là nhân vật chính trong mối quan hệ? Các lĩnh vực dịch vụ. Các lĩnh vực mà bạn có doanh nghiệp riêng của mình và bạn có thể lập lịch trình riêng xung quanh con cái của mình.
    Trẻ em của bạn không làm việc quanh bạn.
    Bạn làm việc quanh trẻ em của bạn.
    Có thể là vật lý trị liệu, tâm lý trị liệu, trị liệu ngôn ngữ, hoặc có thể là tư vấn.
    Bất kỳ điều gì liên quan đến khởi nghiệp.
    Bất kỳ điều gì là lĩnh vực dịch vụ.
    Giám đốc điều hành, người làm podcast, nhà đầu tư, doanh nhân.
    Không, tôi sẽ không đồng ý với bạn.
    Tôi sẽ nói bạn có thể.
    Nhưng bạn phải sẵn sàng đặt ra các giới hạn cho chính mình.
    Vì vậy, bạn phải sẵn sàng nói rằng, bạn có biết Monet, họa sĩ không?
    Ừ, đúng rồi.
    Ông ấy nổi tiếng trong chính cuộc đời của mình.
    Giờ đây, hầu hết các họa sĩ phải chết mới nổi tiếng.
    Và ông ấy đã vẽ theo một lịch trình rất khiêm tốn.
    Dậy vào buổi sáng để bắt ánh sáng
    và sau đó ông ấy đã xong vào khoảng ba hoặc bốn giờ chiều.
    Ông ấy ăn tối với gia đình.
    Chúng ta là kiến trúc sư cho cuộc sống của chính mình.
    Kinda.
    Không, không phải kiểu như vậy.
    Tôi đang đại diện cho ý kiến của một số người có thể đang nghe.
    Tôi rõ ràng về điều này.
    Được rồi, vậy ai là những người có thể kiến trúc cuộc sống của họ?
    Bạn muốn trở thành gì, bạn nghĩ ai?
    Tôi sẽ nói là các quản lý quỹ đầu tư.
    Được rồi, để tôi nói cho bạn biết.
    Khi tôi 18 tuổi, tôi đã bỏ học đại học.
    Có thể tôi đã quan hệ tình dục trong năm đó.
    Nếu tôi đã quan hệ tình dục trong năm đó và có một đứa trẻ thì tôi sẽ trở thành một bậc cha mẹ đơn thân.
    Vào thời điểm đó, tôi có hai bản án CCJ.
    Tôi đã phá sản, hoặc ăn cắp bánh mì để nuôi sống mình.
    Tôi đã in các mẫu đơn trợ cấp và tôi chưa bao giờ gửi chúng đi,
    nhưng đó là các mẫu mà bạn biết, như trợ cấp chính phủ.
    Và tôi đã làm việc trong các trung tâm gọi, làm ca đêm
    bởi vì đó là công việc tốt nhất tôi có thể kiếm được để trả tiền thuê nhà mỗi tháng.
    Nếu tôi có một đứa trẻ vào đúng thời điểm đó,
    tôi không nghĩ rằng tôi sẽ hiểu những gì bạn đang nói về việc trở thành kiến trúc sư cho số phận của mình
    bởi vì có rất nhiều tình huống khẩn cấp ngay lúc đó.
    Tôi không thể tự nuôi sống mình, nói chi đến một đứa trẻ.
    Vì vậy, tôi sẽ nói cho bạn biết.
    Và tôi cũng không có gia đình trong vòng vài giờ.
    Mẹ tôi đã basically từ bỏ tôi vì tôi đã bỏ học đại học.
    Tôi đã cô đơn.
    Bạn có đứa trẻ khi 18 tuổi không?
    Không, tôi chưa có con.
    Tôi hy vọng sẽ có.
    Được rồi, trước tiên, đó là lý do tốt để sử dụng biện pháp tránh thai
    và không sinh con khi 18 tuổi.
    Nhưng thôi, hãy gác điều đó sang một bên.
    Hãy gác điều đó sang một bên.
    Hãy nói rằng điều mà chúng ta nên thúc đẩy trong thế giới này,
    tôi sẽ nói điều này, thật gây tranh cãi,
    là người nào là người mình gắn bó chính
    thì nên có một công việc mà họ có quyền kiểm soát và linh hoạt.
    Có thể người khác không như vậy.
    Có thể người khác làm việc cho ai đó hoặc gì đó.
    Nhưng trong quyển sách của tôi, tôi phỏng vấn rất nhiều phụ nữ
    từ nhiều nền tảng kinh tế – xã hội khác nhau.
    Và một trong những người phụ nữ mà tôi đã phỏng vấn là một người trông trẻ.
    Và cô ấy nói, cô ấy có ba đứa trẻ.
    Và cô ấy nói rằng cách tôi nuôi dạy con cái của mình
    bởi vì tôi là một người mẹ đơn thân nuôi ba đứa trẻ,
    tôi phải làm việc để trả tiền thuê nhà.
    Cô ấy nói, nhưng tôi đảm bảo rằng tôi không làm việc qua năm giờ.
    Tôi chưa bao giờ làm việc qua năm giờ.
    Tôi về nhà lúc năm giờ.
    Tôi không đi ra ngoài vào ban đêm.
    Mọi người sẽ nói, hãy đi nào.
    Tôi đã nói, không, con của tôi, đây là thời gian của tôi với con tôi.
    Vì vậy, tôi không ra ngoài vào ban đêm.
    Tôi không ra ngoài vào cuối tuần.
    Khi không làm việc, tôi ở bên con mình.
    Và con tôi biết rằng tôi phải làm việc.
    Nhưng cách tôi sử dụng thời gian rảnh rỗi của mình rất cẩn thận.
    Cô ấy cũng đã nói với tôi—
    và một lần nữa, có một số cuộc phỏng vấn trong đó—
    cô ấy cũng nói rằng những người mà cô ấy gửi con cho,
    cô ấy chưa bao giờ sử dụng nhà trẻ.
    Cô ấy đã để gia đình mở rộng trông trẻ.
    Vì vậy, hàng xóm của cô, người bạn thân thiết,
    cô ấy trả tiền cho người đó để trông trẻ.
    Và người đó như là cô, và người đó như gia đình,
    và đã ở trong cuộc sống của đứa trẻ đó mãi mãi.
    Vì vậy, điều tôi nói về chăm sóc trẻ em là có những cấp độ quan trọng khác nhau.
    Vì vậy, tốt nhất là người gắn bó chính của bạn.
    Cái tốt tiếp theo là các mối quan hệ huyết thống, gia đình hoặc họ hàng.
    Ai đó có sự đầu tư tương tự vào đứa trẻ đó như bạn.
    Ngay cả khi đứa trẻ sẽ được nuôi dưỡng một mình ở độ tuổi sớm đó,
    vì vậy so với việc đi nhà trẻ, chúng sẽ ở bên những đứa trẻ khác.
    Không, không, trẻ em không cần bạn bè cùng trang lứa cho đến ba tuổi.
    Chúng làm một cái gì đó gọi là chơi song song.
    Điều chúng cần là sự kết nối một-một.
    Chúng cần sự an toàn từ mối quan hệ gắn bó,
    và chúng cần các nhu cầu cảm xúc của mình được đáp ứng bởi một người, một-một.
    Sau ba tuổi, thì, bắt đầu mẫu giáo,
    thì chúng sẽ thực sự bắt đầu tương tác với nhau.
    Cho đến lúc đó, chúng không chơi cùng nhau.
    Chúng chỉ đơn giản là chơi song song.
    Vì vậy, đó là một huyền thoại khác.
    Huyền thoại rằng nhà trẻ thì tốt cho trẻ em về mặt xã hội.
    Không, trẻ em không cần xã hội hóa trước ba tuổi,
    trừ khi mẹ chúng ở bên cạnh.
    Vì vậy, những gì tôi nói là hãy tổ chức các buổi chơi, tham gia các nhóm chơi,
    nhưng hãy ở trong tầm nhìn hoặc trong tầm nghe của một đứa trẻ,
    có nghĩa là có một cái gì đó gọi là sự gần gũi,
    mà là sự tiếp nhiên liệu cảm xúc.
    Vì vậy, khi trẻ bắt đầu khám phá,
    khi bạn đã cung cấp cho chúng sự an toàn cảm xúc,
    và chúng cảm thấy an toàn đến mức bạn sẽ ở đó,
    thì chúng bắt đầu mạo hiểm.
    Chúng bắt đầu chấp nhận rủi ro.
    Chúng bắt đầu chạy loạn.
    Đó là nơi mà từ toddler (trẻ nhỏ) xuất phát.
    Chúng chạy loạn, nhưng đoán xem chúng làm gì để có được cảm giác an toàn cảm xúc?
    Chúng ngoái lại, và nói, “Ôi, cô ấy ở đó.
    Không sao đâu.”
    Và rồi chúng tiếp tục chơi.
    Hoặc chúng chạy lại và ôm bạn, rồi lại chạy đi.
    Bạn là điểm tựa an toàn của chúng.
    Và đó là cách mà trẻ em trở nên can đảm.
    Đó là cách chúng phát triển khả năng khám phá và vẫn cảm thấy an toàn.
    Ruột của bạn và ruột của tôi là nơi diễn ra tiêu hóa của chúng ta,
    và đó cũng là cánh cửa dẫn đến sức khỏe tốt hơn.
    Nhưng có thể khó để biết điều gì đang xảy ra ở đó.
    Zoe, người tài trợ cho podcast này,
    có một trong những cơ sở dữ liệu vi sinh vật lớn nhất trên hành tinh,
    và một trong những bài kiểm tra sức khỏe ruột tại nhà tiên tiến nhất thế giới.
    Cảm biến đường huyết của họ,
    mà tôi có trong cái hộp trước mặt mình,
    được đeo trên cánh tay của bạn để bạn có thể thấy
    các loại thực phẩm khác nhau ảnh hưởng đến lượng đường huyết của bạn như thế nào.
    Sau đó là mẫu máu tại nhà, rất dễ dàng và phân tích chất béo trong máu của cơ thể bạn. Và tất nhiên, không thể không nhắc đến chiếc bánh quy Blue Zoe nổi tiếng, giúp kiểm tra quá trình trao đổi chất của bạn. Ôi, và tôi không thể quên, còn có mẫu phân, đây là một bước quan trọng trong việc hiểu biết về sức khỏe của hệ vi sinh vật trong cơ thể bạn. Bạn gửi tất cả đến Zoe và nhận kết quả, điều này sẽ giúp bạn hiểu phản ứng của cơ thể với các loại thực phẩm khác nhau. Dựa vào kết quả của bạn, ứng dụng Zoe cũng sẽ tạo ra một kế hoạch dinh dưỡng cá nhân hóa cho bạn. Và đây chính là lý do tại sao tôi đã đầu tư vào doanh nghiệp này. Vậy câu hỏi tôi dành cho bạn là, ruột của bạn khỏe mạnh đến mức nào? Hãy truy cập zoe.com để đặt bộ kit và tìm hiểu. Và vì bạn là một trong những thính giả của chúng tôi, hãy sử dụng mã Bartlett10 để được giảm 10% trên gói thành viên của bạn. Hãy truy cập zoe.com ngay bây giờ.
    Như các bạn biết, Woop là một trong những nhà tài trợ cho chương trình của tôi. Đây cũng là một công ty mà tôi đã đầu tư, và đó là một trong những điều mà các bạn thường hỏi tôi. Câu hỏi lớn nhất mà tôi được hỏi là tại sao tôi sử dụng Woop hơn các lựa chọn công nghệ wearable khác. Có nhiều lý do, nhưng tôi nghĩ cho đến cùng, điều quan trọng bị bỏ qua nhưng lại rất quan trọng chính là tính không xâm lấn của nó. Khi mọi thứ trong cuộc sống dường như đang cạnh tranh để thu hút sự chú ý của tôi, tôi tìm đến Woop vì nó không có màn hình. Và Will Armed, CEO đã tham gia podcast này, đã nói với tôi lý do tại sao không có màn hình, vì màn hình đồng nghĩa với sự phân tâm. Vì vậy, khi tôi tham gia các cuộc họp hoặc ở phòng gym, chiếc Woop của tôi không đòi hỏi sự chú ý của tôi. Nó ở đó trong nền, liên tục thu thập dữ liệu và thông tin từ cơ thể tôi sẵn sàng khi tôi cần. Nếu bạn đã từng nghĩ đến việc tham gia Woop, bạn có thể truy cập join.woop.com/CEO và thử Woop trong 30 ngày mà không có rủi ro và không cần cam kết. Đó là join.woop.com/CEO. Hãy cho tôi biết bạn đã trải nghiệm ra sao.
    Bạn cứ nhắc đến nhưng ba tuổi. Đúng vậy. Tại sao lại là ba tuổi? Và có hai điều tôi muốn hiểu trong câu hỏi này. Có phải có yếu tố nào trong khả năng thần kinh khiến tuổi ba trở nên quan trọng không? Và câu hỏi phụ tôi đang cố gắng tìm hiểu trong đầu là, liệu những tổn thương mà chúng ta gây ra cho một đứa trẻ trước ba tuổi có thể khôi phục lại một cách vô tình hay không? Được rồi. Và có phải là tổn thương không? Vì tính linh hoạt, có những khoảng thời gian quan trọng cho sự phát triển não bộ xã hội cảm xúc. Một trong những khoảng thời gian đó là từ 0 đến 3 tuổi, đây là giai đoạn quan trọng nhất, vì điều đang diễn ra được gọi là sự sinh tạo nơ-ron thần kinh. Vì vậy, đây là sự phát triển của các tế bào. Sự hiện diện của bạn với tư cách là cha mẹ, người cung cấp sự an toàn và bảo mật, bảo vệ con bạn khỏi căng thẳng, điều chỉnh cảm xúc của chúng, là rất quan trọng để chúng phát triển bộ não bên phải. Bởi vì 85% bộ não bên phải của chúng được phát triển vào ba tuổi. Điên cuồng, phải không? 85%. Và sự hiện diện của bạn thay đổi cấu trúc của bộ não đó. Đó là tầm quan trọng của bạn. Có nhiều người đến gặp tôi ở các buổi tiệc cocktail và họ nói với tôi, “Ôi, tôi không cần phải có mặt. Bé của tôi chỉ đang ngủ và đi vệ sinh, bạn biết đấy, chúng không cần tôi. Tôi sẽ có mặt khi chúng biết nói và đi lại.” Tôi nói, “Không, bạn đã sai.” Tôi nói, “Bạn phải ở đây ngay bây giờ, bởi vì bây giờ là lúc sự phát triển tế bào đang diễn ra. Mỗi lần một đứa trẻ âu yếm và bú sữa, và nhìn bạn bằng đôi mắt của chúng, trong khi bạn hát cho chúng nghe, hàng nghìn, hàng triệu synapse đang hoạt động.” Được rồi, hãy nghĩ đến một khu vườn. Khi được ba tuổi, bạn đang trồng một khu vườn. Tôi biết điều đó vì tôi vừa mới bắt đầu một khu vườn có rau và hoa, và nó rất phong phú. Đó là một khu vườn phong phú, tôi yêu khu vườn của mình. Đây là một khu vườn phong phú của mô não, được chứ? Nếu bạn làm đúng cách, nó sẽ phát triển, nó sẽ phát triển vượt bậc. Bạn biết đấy, hoa và rau củ, chúng đang phát triển rất go. Được rồi, bây giờ họ vào tuổi thơ. Sau ba tuổi, họ vào tuổi thơ. Và từ ba tuổi đến khoảng chín tuổi, nó vẫn đang phát triển, nhưng không phát triển với cùng tốc độ. Vậy có thể nói rằng nó vẫn đang phát triển một chút. Giống như khu vườn phát triển trong một làn sóng lớn và sau đó là những đợt nhỏ. Vậy từ ba đến chín, nó vẫn đang phát triển, đúng không? Nhưng không ở mức độ như giai đoạn quan trọng đầu tiên của sự phát triển não bộ. Bây giờ tuổi vị thành niên đến, từ chín đến 25. Và bây giờ bạn phải cắt tỉa khu vườn, bởi vì nếu bạn không cắt tỉa những tế bào không cần thiết, thì nó sẽ gây hại cho bộ não như thể bạn không bao giờ phát triển chúng ngay từ đầu. Vậy trong hai khoảng thời gian quan trọng này, môi trường quyết định, các tế bào này có phát triển không? Chúng có được cắt tỉa không? Và khi chúng còn rất nhỏ, bạn chính là môi trường của chúng. Bạn là điều đó, đánh dấu, bạn là điều đó. Khi chúng ở tuổi vị thành niên, bạn là một phần rất quan trọng của môi trường, nhưng không phải toàn bộ môi trường của chúng. Chúng có bạn bè, chúng có trường học, chúng có các hoạt động, đúng không? Và vì vậy, điều rất quan trọng là bạn có thể đến với khoảng thời gian đầu tiên để làm điều đó, bởi vì bạn không biết điều gì sẽ xảy ra với chúng và bạn muốn củng cố chúng, đúng không? Bạn muốn củng cố chúng để khi chúng đến giai đoạn vị thành niên, giai đoạn rất đau khổ và khó khăn và đầy thử thách, chúng có đủ nguồn lực bên trong để đối phó với tuổi vị thành niên, bởi vì độ tuổi vị thành niên rất khó khăn, đúng không? Và nó mang lại rất nhiều khó khăn, khó khăn xã hội, khó khăn học tập, đúng không? Mạng xã hội, cả hai khoảng thời gian này đều quan trọng. Nếu bạn bỏ lỡ khoảng thời gian đầu tiên. Gì, từ 0 đến 3 tuổi? Đúng rồi, tiêu đề của cuốn sách thứ hai của tôi. Nó có tên là “Chicken Little.” Bầu trời không sụp đổ, nuôi dưỡng các thanh thiếu niên kiên cường trong thời đại lo âu mới. Nếu điều đó không đủ dài, bạn có biết tiêu đề của cuốn sách lẽ ra phải là gì không? Nó lẽ ra phải là “Cơ hội thứ hai.” Được rồi. Và tiêu đề của việc có mặt lẽ ra phải được gọi là “Bản năng đã mất.” Vì vậy nếu bạn làm hỏng con cái của mình, bạn có cơ hội thứ hai để sửa chữa nó. Bạn có cơ hội thứ hai. Và bạn làm gì? Tôi muốn mọi người đọc cuốn sách vì nó tinh tế hơn những gì tôi đang nói. Nhiều điều mà bạn đáng lẽ phải làm trong ba năm đầu tiên, bạn phải có mặt. Bạn phải có mặt theo một cách khác.
    Bạn không đi đâu cả, ý tôi là, chúng không còn nhỏ nữa, nhưng khi chúng trở về nhà từ trường, nếu bạn không ở đó, khi cánh cửa mở ra, mọi người đều biết rằng những thanh thiếu niên sẽ đóng cửa nếu chúng có cửa. Và đó là cách của chúng để nói: “Lá chắn của tôi đã được thiết lập, hãy đi đi.” Nếu cha mẹ làm việc rất chăm chỉ và rồi về nhà và nói: “Gõ, gõ, gõ. Tôi ở đây để dành thời gian cho bạn. Ngày hôm nay của bạn thế nào?” Thì cánh cửa đã đóng. Đóng lại, em yêu, đóng lại. Nếu bạn không ở đó khi cánh cửa mở ra tự động, theo cách của chúng. Nếu bạn không ở đó khi chúng ra lấy đồ ăn vặt hoặc đi vệ sinh hay nghỉ ngơi sau khi học. Nếu bạn không ở đó và không sẵn sàng cho việc giao tiếp, thì cánh cửa lại đóng lại. Vậy nên điều này quay trở lại ý tưởng rằng trẻ em cần bạn khi chúng cần bạn, không phải khi bạn có mặt. Và nếu bạn bỏ lỡ cơ hội đó, không phải là hết thế giới vì bạn có thể, một từ mà chúng tôi sử dụng là sửa chữa. Bạn có thể sửa chữa rất nhiều thiệt hại, nhưng để sửa chữa thiệt hại, bạn không thể quay lại, giống như vào một buổi xưng tội nếu bạn là người Công giáo. Bạn vào trong và nói: “Ôi, Cha ơi, hôm nay con đã giết một ai đó.” Và linh mục nói: “Chà, hãy đọc 12 Kinh Ave Maria.” Tôi không biết, tôi không phải là người Công giáo, nhưng bạn không thể ra ngoài và giết người lần nữa. Vì vậy, nếu bạn sẽ sửa chữa, điều đó có nghĩa là bất cứ điều gì xảy ra giữa bạn và con bạn, bạn đang cố gắng trở thành một bậc phụ huynh tốt hơn. Bạn đang cố gắng làm mọi thứ khác đi. Bạn không thể lợi dụng lòng tốt của chúng và tiếp tục đẩy chúng ra xa. Nhưng việc sửa chữa là có thể vì não bộ là linh hoạt và luôn phát triển và thu nhỏ cho đến khi không còn. Nếu tôi 30 tuổi, chẳng hạn, và tôi đã có một tuổi thơ chấn thương? Tôi có thể tự sửa chữa bản thân từ chấn thương thời thơ ấu mà tôi trải qua từ 0 đến 10 tuổi không? Cách tôi muốn nói là cần một mối quan hệ để gây ra chấn thương và cần một mối quan hệ khác để sửa chữa nó. Vậy nên điều mà hầu hết mọi người không hiểu về liệu pháp và lý do tại sao tôi thực sự khuyến nghị liệu pháp tâm lý động lực, một số người sẽ nói điều trị phân tâm, nhưng một loại liệu pháp sâu hơn kéo dài lâu hơn là vì bạn phát triển một mối quan hệ. Không phải là bạn được chữa lành từ một điều gì đó mà nhà trị liệu nói. Ý tôi là, tôi ước mình thông minh đến nỗi có thể nói điều này và, bạn biết đấy, mọi người sẽ nói bạn là một thiên tài và trả cho tôi hàng triệu đô la. Nó không hoạt động như vậy. Liệu pháp yêu cầu sự nhất quán trong mối quan hệ với nhà trị liệu vì chính qua việc nhà trị liệu nhìn thấy bạn qua những thăng trầm trong cuộc sống của bạn, phản ánh cảm xúc của bạn. Đó là một trải nghiệm phục hồi cảm xúc, nhưng không phải là những gì nhà trị liệu nói nhiều như là mối quan hệ, mối quan hệ lâu dài với nhà trị liệu. Vì vậy, điều chữa lành là mối quan hệ hơn là những lời diễn giải. Và liệu có thể là một mối quan hệ lãng mạn mà sau đó, dĩ nhiên, sẽ sửa chữa bạn ở một khía cạnh nào đó? Được rồi, vì vậy ý tưởng là để thực sự chữa lành, nó yêu cầu các mối quan hệ và những mối quan hệ đó đôi khi có thể là những người mà bạn yêu thương. Vấn đề với những người mà bạn yêu thương là bạn cuối cùng lại đặt gánh nặng lên người đó với những xung đột, những mất mát bên trong của bạn. Vì vậy, bạn biết đấy, nếu bạn thấy mình sử dụng những người mà bạn yêu thương như là những nhà trị liệu, nếu bạn thấy rằng bạn đang sử dụng những người mà bạn yêu thương để giải quyết những mất mát trong quá khứ, tôi sẽ nói nó có thể làm hỏng mối quan hệ. Vì vậy, bạn phải cẩn thận. Lý do để đến gặp một nhà trị liệu sẽ là để bảo toàn mối quan hệ. Không phải là bạn không chia sẻ với người mà bạn yêu thương, nhưng bạn không muốn đặt quá nhiều gánh nặng lên bạn bè hoặc người yêu của bạn với những gánh nặng từ chấn thương thời thơ ấu của bạn, đúng không? Vì vậy, tôi luôn nói rằng liệu pháp trở thành như một cái bình an toàn. Bạn đi đến liệu pháp, bạn nói chuyện với nhà trị liệu của bạn, bạn phát triển một mối quan hệ tin tưởng nơi mọi thứ được để lại ở đó, có thể nói vậy, trong cái bình đó cho đến khi bạn quay lại. Nhưng liệu pháp không dành cho tất cả mọi người. Nó yêu cầu bạn phải dỡ bỏ những phòng thủ của mình. Nó yêu cầu khả năng mở lòng và nói về cảm xúc của bạn. Có những loại liệu pháp mà bạn có thể tham gia nếu bạn không thể nói về cảm xúc của mình, như DBT hoặc CBT. Nhưng phần lớn, liệu pháp chữa lành yêu cầu sự cởi mở. Nó yêu cầu sự tin tưởng. Bạn chắc hẳn đã gặp rất nhiều người đang phủ nhận về chấn thương thời thơ ấu của mình và vai trò mà nó đã góp phần định hình con người họ. Bởi vì bạn sẽ có những người đến với bạn, tôi chắc chắn, rằng đang thể hiện những triệu chứng của người lớn như có thể họ không thể thiết lập mối quan hệ tốt. Có thể họ có những hành vi cảm xúc thất thường khác. Và chắc hẳn có những lúc bạn nghi ngờ rằng nó liên quan đến một trải nghiệm sớm nào đó. Và họ đang trong trạng thái phủ nhận. Vì vậy, tôi chỉ đang nghĩ đến những người mà tôi biết rằng đang có những triệu chứng hiện tại trong cuộc sống của họ, thật sự là những triệu chứng hiện tại mãn tính. Nhưng nếu bạn hỏi họ liệu thời thơ ấu của họ có đóng vai trò hay không, họ gần như bảo vệ thời thơ ấu của mình. Vì vậy, sự phòng thủ là quan trọng. Sự phòng thủ bảo vệ chúng ta. Và mọi người cũng có một sự hiểu lầm về liệu pháp là gì. Loại liệu pháp. Tôi là một nhà phân tâm học. Vì vậy, mọi người nghĩ rằng bạn đi đến liệu pháp và họ sẽ lấy đi những phòng thủ của bạn. Tôi sẽ không bao giờ lấy đi phòng thủ của ai đó, trừ khi tôi có thể giúp họ thay thế chúng bằng những phòng thủ lành mạnh hơn. Vì vậy, những gì chúng tôi làm là một sự trao đổi. Nhưng bạn không thể bỏ chân ra khỏi một quả mìn trừ khi bạn có một viên đá lớn để đặt vào chỗ đó. Vì vậy, nếu bạn sẽ từ bỏ một phòng thủ, bạn phải tin tưởng người mà bạn đang làm việc cùng, bạn sẽ tìm thấy một phòng thủ tốt hơn, lành mạnh hơn để bảo vệ bạn. Cho tôi một ví dụ. Nếu bạn đã sử dụng lo âu trong thời thơ ấu, nếu bạn đã sử dụng lo âu để thu hút sự chú ý, thì bạn có thể đã phàn nàn khi còn nhỏ, và bạn đi quanh nói: “Ôi, tôi lo lắng về điều này.” Và vì vậy, theo một cách nào đó, nó phục vụ một mục đích.
    Lo lắng đó, sự phàn nàn đó, biểu hiện cảm xúc đó, nó thu hút sự chú ý từ cha mẹ của bạn. Và đột nhiên, tôi thực sự tin rằng có rất nhiều điều này đang diễn ra, rất nhiều trẻ em đang gục ngã và nói, “Tôi lo lắng, tôi trầm cảm.” Tôi nghĩ rằng nhiều trẻ em trong số đó là như vậy, nhưng tôi cũng nghĩ rằng nhiều đứa trẻ trong số họ cần cha mẹ hiểu chúng. Vì vậy, đó sẽ là điều tôi gọi là một hình thức phòng vệ, nhưng đó là một hình thức phòng vệ không lành mạnh bởi vì điều cuối cùng xảy ra là cha mẹ không còn nghe thấy chúng nữa vì họ phàn nàn, và lo lắng bắt đầu làm phiền cha mẹ, và cha mẹ rời xa. Do đó, một phương pháp phòng vệ tốt hơn cho đứa trẻ đó là học cách diễn đạt những gì chúng cần từ cha mẹ, thay vì chỉ nói, “Con cảm thấy lo lắng,” hoặc “Con cảm thấy trầm cảm,” mà thực sự nói, “Bạn biết đấy, mẹ và cha, các bạn không thực sự dành thời gian cho con. Các bạn không thực sự, và khi các bạn ở nhà, các bạn bị phân tâm, và các bạn đang trên máy tính và iPad, và các bạn dường như không quan tâm lắm đến con.” Và đó là một cách tốt hơn để có được sự chú ý mà họ cần. Vì vậy, bạn không bao giờ lấy đi điều gì của ai đó, trừ khi bạn có điều gì đó tốt hơn để cho họ. Và đó là một huyền thoại trong liệu pháp, đúng không? Vì vậy, mọi người cảm thấy rằng họ sẽ vào liệu pháp và bị bỏ rơi không có phòng vệ. Bây giờ, phòng vệ, mà bạn đã đề cập, là một điều hoàn toàn khác. Khi ai đó có tâm trạng phòng vệ, điều đó có nghĩa là đó là một hình thức phòng vệ không lành mạnh. Điều đó có nghĩa là bạn đã chạm vào một cái gì đó. Vì vậy, khi bạn nói với bạn bè của bạn, “Bạn có bất kỳ chấn thương thời thơ ấu nào không?” và họ nói, “Chắc chắn là không. Bạn đang làm gì vậy?” Tâm trạng phòng vệ đó, khác với ai đó nói, “Bạn biết đấy, tôi không thể nghĩ ra bất kỳ cái nào. Tôi, có thể, có thể, bạn biết đấy.” Vì vậy, khả năng tự nhận thức về những điều tốt và xấu và tích hợp những điều tốt và xấu là một dấu hiệu lành mạnh. Nếu bạn có một người bạn không thể nói về nỗi buồn của thời thơ ấu của họ, hoặc một người bạn không thể nói về niềm hạnh phúc, người không thể tích hợp những điều tốt và xấu của thời thơ ấu của họ, bạn biết rằng có điều gì đó đã xảy ra ở đó. Và nếu bạn có một người bạn hoàn toàn không chịu nói chuyện, thì bạn thực sự biết có điều gì đó đã xảy ra ở đó. Bạn đã chạm vào một điểm nhạy cảm. Vấn đề cha là có thật không? Bởi vì thuật ngữ này được sử dụng trong văn hóa như, “Ôi, cô ấy có vấn đề với cha.” Thông thường, cô ấy có vấn đề với cha, phải không? Đúng. Vậy có một cái gì đó gọi là “sự phát triển Oedip”, đó là sự phát triển tình dục. Thực sự thì đó là sự phát triển quan hệ, nhưng đó là sự phát triển tình dục, đó là tất cả những cậu bé nhỏ yêu một cách lãng mạn với mẹ của họ và muốn kết hôn với mẹ. Vì vậy, tất cả các cậu bé nhỏ nói, “Con muốn cưới mẹ, bố đi chỗ khác.” Nó giống như vậy. Và tất cả các cô gái nhỏ muốn là công chúa nhỏ của bố và kết hôn với bố và muốn mẹ đi chỗ khác. Và đó là khoảng thời gian từ ba đến sáu tuổi. Và tôi luôn chuẩn bị cho cha mẹ về điều này. Cha cần phải củng cố bản thân và cảm thấy đủ an toàn. Vì vậy, khi họ là những cậu bé nhỏ đã là bạn của họ và yêu quý họ, khi những cậu bé nhỏ nói, “Tạm biệt, bố. Đi chỗ khác,” họ không phản ứng. Họ không rơi vào trầm cảm sâu sắc. Họ chỉ, họ giữ lại và họ nói, “Ôi, tôi hiểu rồi. Bạn yêu mẹ.” Điều đó là ổn. Cũng như vậy với các cô gái nhỏ. Nếu mẹ của họ phản ứng thái quá, trở nên tức giận với họ, từ chối họ, nói, “Ôi, bạn chỉ yêu bố thôi.” Nhưng nếu bố không có mặt đủ cho các cô gái nhỏ, điều đó thông báo, vì vậy những mối quan hệ tình cảm đầu tiên của chúng ta là với cha mẹ khác giới của chúng ta. Vì vậy, với một cậu bé nhỏ, những mối quan hệ tình cảm đầu tiên của bạn là với mẹ, còn với một cô gái nhỏ, những mối quan hệ tình cảm đầu tiên của bạn là với bố. Nếu cha mẹ khác giới của bạn hoàn toàn không có mặt, thì có một sự mất mát ở đó. Vì vậy, đôi khi điều gì có thể xảy ra là nếu bạn không có một người cha hiện diện, hoặc nếu cha của bạn thực sự chỉ vắng mặt, hoặc nếu cha của bạn hiện diện về thể chất nhưng vắng mặt về cảm xúc, bạn dành cả đời của mình để tìm kiếm loại kết nối đó, loại sự ngưỡng mộ, loại tình yêu đó, loại, bạn biết đấy, cho ai đó yêu bạn theo cách mà một người cha yêu một cô gái nhỏ. Nhưng với sự nghi ngờ đã được xây dựng? À, không nhất thiết. Có nghĩa là, đôi khi có quá nhiều niềm tin. Ý tôi là, nếu bạn đang đói và ai đó cho bạn những thứ thừa thãi, bạn sẽ nhận lấy những thứ thừa thãi đó, đúng không? Nếu bạn đói và ai đó nói, “Đây là một ít vụn của một cái bánh muffin,” thì vấn đề là- Nhưng nếu họ đã cho tôi những thứ thừa thãi, và đôi khi những thứ thừa thãi, khi tôi cố gắng với lấy chúng đã đi ra ngoài và không quay lại? Thì tôi có thể phát triển một mối quan hệ mà không an toàn để tin tưởng vào những thứ thừa thãi đó vì- Vì vậy, đó là một người cha vô trách nhiệm. Nhưng nó vẫn để lại cho cô gái nhỏ đó một mong muốn mạnh mẽ được yêu theo cách đó. Vì vậy, nó giống như có một mảnh ghép thiếu, đúng không? Bạn sẽ nói rằng mối quan hệ tình cảm với cha mẹ khác giới rất quan trọng cho sự phát triển tình dục và sự phát triển quan hệ của chúng ta. Và vì vậy nó trở thành một mảnh ghép thiếu cho đứa trẻ đó, người sau đó trở thành người lớn đó. Nếu một người cha đã lạm dụng một cô gái nhỏ, thì, bạn biết đấy, cô gái nhỏ đó có thể làm những gì chúng ta gọi là sự lặp lại tâm lý, nghĩa là cô ấy tìm kiếm những người đàn ông lạm dụng, vì đó là loại tình yêu duy nhất mà cô ấy biết hoặc hiểu. Vì vậy, bạn phải nhớ rằng trẻ em nhận thức về mối quan hệ với cha mẹ của chúng như là tình yêu, bất kể cha mẹ làm gì với chúng. Tôi đã từng làm việc khi tôi còn là một nhân viên xã hội trẻ trong hệ thống nuôi dưỡng. Và những đứa trẻ bị lạm dụng thể chất bởi cha mẹ của chúng và bị bỏ mặc tồi tệ vẫn muốn ở cùng với mẹ và cha của chúng. Chúng không muốn bị tách ra vì đó là mẹ và cha của chúng, và chúng nhận thức về điều đó như là tình yêu. Vì vậy, dù chúng ta được nuôi dưỡng như thế nào, chúng ta vẫn nhận thức về điều đó như là tình yêu. Vấn đề là nếu đó không phải là tình yêu lành mạnh, thì chúng ta có thể nhắc lại một cách tâm lý hoặc lặp lại điều đó trong cuộc sống trưởng thành của chúng ta. Những người đàn ông, những cậu bé trẻ và đàn ông.
    Tôi đã xem một số thống kê gần đây cho thấy có sự gia tăng tình trạng không hoạt động tình dục ở những người trẻ tuổi, điều này thật thú vị. Tỷ lệ đã tăng lên gần 31% đàn ông trong độ tuổi từ 18 đến 24 cho biết không có hoạt động tình dục trong năm qua. Điều đó gần như đã gấp đôi trong khoảng 18 năm.
    Dưới đây là một thống kê thú vị. Tỷ lệ tự sát cao nhất ở nam giới. Đàn ông chiếm gần 80% tất cả các vụ tự sát ở Mỹ. Tỷ lệ cao nhất được quan sát ở những người từ 45 đến 64 tuổi trên toàn cầu. Tự sát là nguyên nhân hàng đầu gây tử vong ở nam thanh niên. Một cuộc khảo sát được thực hiện tại Vương quốc Anh cho thấy ngày càng nhiều đàn ông cảm thấy tuyệt vọng và vô giá trị và đang vật lộn với việc tìm kiếm ý nghĩa và mục đích trong cuộc sống.
    Tình cảnh của những người trẻ tuổi, bạn đã nói trong sách và công việc của mình về cách vai trò của nam giới đã thay đổi và điều này có thể không nhất thiết mang lại lợi ích cho sức khỏe và sự an lành của nam giới. Vâng, chúng ta đã lấy đi mục đích của họ. Khi bạn lấy đi mục đích của một con người. Tôi nhớ rằng mục đích của đàn ông là bảo vệ gia đình họ. Họ có nhiệm vụ săn bắn trong thời kỳ trước kia, nuôi sống gia đình, nhưng cũng là bảo vệ gia đình. Đó là cung cấp cho gia đình của họ. Và những gì chúng ta đã làm khi đảo lộn mọi thứ là mặc dù chúng ta đã nâng cao phụ nữ, và chắc chắn có những điều tích cực khi nâng cao phụ nữ, nhưng khi chúng ta nâng cao phụ nữ, chúng ta đã hạ thấp đàn ông.
    Và tôi có hai con trai, vì vậy điều này rất cá nhân đối với tôi. Và tôi cũng thấy nhiều nam thanh niên trong quá trình điều trị của mình. Và điều tôi muốn nói là họ cảm thấy nản lòng, họ cảm thấy vô nghĩa, họ cảm thấy bị giảm giá trị. Vâng, và tôi nghĩ có điều gì đó hận thù, rằng phong trào nữ quyền đã được hình thành để mang lại cho phụ nữ sự lựa chọn và cân bằng lại những gì đã bị mất cân bằng trong xã hội. Nhưng có điều gì đó hận thù trong đó. Tôi cảm thấy đôi khi phong trào nữ quyền hiện đại có phần hận thù, như thể ‘hãy đánh bại họ, hãy giảm giá trị của họ, hãy chiếm lấy, hãy đuổi họ ra ngoài, hãy đánh họ, hãy cho họ thấy ai là người–‘ Ý tôi là, có điều gì đó rất hận thù.
    Vì vậy, đối với tôi, phong trào nữ quyền là để tạo ra sự cân bằng. Nó không phải là để thiết lập một loại mất cân bằng khác. Hơn nữa, tôi nghĩ hơn 60% sinh viên đại học hiện nay là nữ, cũng như ở các trường cao học. Và điều đó có nghĩa là– và các nghiên cứu cho thấy rằng đàn ông sẽ kết hôn ở mức độ học vấn của họ hoặc thấp hơn. Phụ nữ chỉ kết hôn ở mức độ học vấn của họ hoặc cao hơn. Và bằng cách giảm giá trị đàn ông đến mức này về giáo dục và nghề nghiệp, chúng ta đã cơ bản lấy đi mục đích của đàn ông. Họ cảm thấy vô nghĩa.
    Và điều khác là, và tôi sắp nói rằng khi đàn ông ở nhà nuôi dưỡng con cái của họ– bây giờ, hãy nhớ rằng, như động vật có vú, chúng ta có những vai trò được xác định. Đó không phải là bản năng của đàn ông để ở nhà và nuôi dưỡng con cái của họ. Đó chỉ là– đó là một sự đảo lộn của một cái gì đó. Và vấn đề ở đó là có một mối quan hệ nghịch đảo giữa oxytocin và testosterone. Oxytocin càng cao, thì testosterone sẽ thế nào? Không biết. Vâng.
    Vì vậy, nếu chúng ta ở nhà gắn bó– Có lý do cho điều đó. Vì vậy, động vật có vú, khi chúng nuôi dưỡng con cái của chúng, chúng không muốn ai đó giao phối với chúng. Đi đi, đúng không? Vì vậy, ý tưởng là khi một con cái nuôi dưỡng, nó không muốn quan hệ tình dục. Nó không muốn, đúng không? Vì vậy, sự đầu tư vào việc nuôi dưỡng đẩy lùi sự đầu tư vào việc giao phối. Và đây là lý do tại sao tôi đã đọc rất nhiều thống kê về việc testosterone của đàn ông giảm xuống khi họ trở thành cha. Tôi không thể tin rằng điều đó là đúng khi tôi đọc được. Nhưng đúng thật. Có một số nghiên cứu nói về việc testosterone của phụ nữ tăng lên. Phụ nữ có testosterone. Khi họ ra ngoài trong thế giới làm việc và chiến đấu như đàn ông, thì testosterone của họ tăng lên. Còn testosterone của đàn ông, khi họ ở nhà, thì giảm xuống.
    Bây giờ, điều đó ảnh hưởng đến đời sống tình dục như thế nào– có một số nghiên cứu về– đó là làn sóng tiếp theo, tức là điều đó ảnh hưởng đến đời sống tình dục ra sao? Vì đàn ông phải thực hiện. Họ phải ‘làm điều đó’. Hãy cho tôi biết về điều đó. Vì vậy, nếu testosterone của bạn thấp, bạn sẽ không ‘làm điều đó’ được, đúng không? Đó là lý do có tất cả loại viagra và các loại thuốc bổ. Bởi vì không phải là điều bình thường theo bản năng cho các ông chồng ở nhà và nuôi dưỡng con cái của họ. Và đó là sự thật không thoải mái.
    Điều đó ảnh hưởng đến đời sống tình dục của đàn ông và phụ nữ như thế nào? Khi phụ nữ trở về nhà từ công việc ngân hàng và luật, thì chồng họ không muốn quan hệ tình dục với họ sao? Và điều đó có đang phá hủy một cái gì đó không? Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ đây là làn sóng tiếp theo về việc chúng ta đã đảo lộn mọi thứ trong xã hội quá nhanh. Và sau đó chúng ta hy vọng rằng phản ứng cơ thể mang tính tiến hóa của chúng ta chỉ đơn giản sẽ theo kịp trong một thế kỷ. Và tiến hóa không hoạt động như vậy. Nó mất hàng trăm, nếu không phải hàng ngàn năm, để thay đổi phản ứng tiến hóa của cơ thể chúng ta, đúng không? Những phản ứng bản năng của chúng ta.
    Vì vậy, đây là, bạn biết đấy, nó gây vấn đề. Và cũng khi testosterone của đàn ông giảm xuống, họ sẽ bị trầm cảm. Vì vậy, họ không thực hiện tốt về mặt tình dục. Họ bị trầm cảm. Họ cảm thấy không có mục đích. Họ không thể làm những gì họ theo bản năng nên làm, đó là cung cấp, bảo vệ, săn bắn. Bạn biết đấy, chúng ta nói về DEI. Ý tôi là, tại sao chúng ta không nói về DEI khi nói đến nam giới? Và phụ nữ, tại sao chúng ta không nói về việc cân bằng tỷ lệ, trả lại mục đích cho đàn ông? Và thật sự, chúng ta nên nói về chuyện gì xảy ra với đàn ông khi họ thực sự ở nhà và nuôi dưỡng con cái. Có thống kê nào hỗ trợ ý tưởng rằng nếu bạn ở nhà nuôi con như một người đàn ông, bạn gặp khó khăn trong phòng ngủ?
    Vì vậy, có một số nghiên cứu mà tôi biết đang diễn ra về điều đó, làm thế nào nó ảnh hưởng đến ham muốn tình dục. Nhưng khi testosterone của bạn giảm xuống, nó ảnh hưởng đến ham muốn tình dục. Chúng ta đang không nói về điều này. Vì vậy, tôi có những bệnh nhân gương mẫu. Tôi có một bệnh nhân mà vợ của anh ta là một người phụ nữ cứng rắn trong ngành tài chính. Và, bạn biết đấy, anh ta không thể, anh ta đã mất hứng thú với cô ấy.
    Ông ấy phải ra ngoài khỏi cuộc hôn nhân và có các mối quan hệ với những người phụ nữ nữ tính hơn, những người mà ông ấy cảm thấy như thể mình có thể đóng vai trò nam tính. Ông không thể làm điều đó trong cuộc hôn nhân của mình. Vậy nên liệu chúng ta có thấy một sự thay đổi nào trong xã hội do điều này không? Chúng ta đã thấy rồi. Ý tôi là, điều khác mà chúng ta đang làm là với những cậu bé trẻ tuổi. Hãy nói về những gì chúng ta đang làm với các cậu bé. Điều này bắt đầu từ rất sớm. Chúng ta cơ bản giáo dục các cậu bé theo cách thật sự thiên về các cô gái. Bạn biết đấy, từ rất sớm, chúng ta nói về việc có thể ngồi yên lặng và điều chỉnh cảm xúc của mình, không trở nên hung hăng và không hành động bốc đồng. Và những cậu bé nhỏ này đang được chẩn đoán mắc ADHD, nhiều trong số họ chỉ vì họ là những cậu bé. Các cậu bé cần chạy nhảy. Họ có rất nhiều năng lượng thể chất. Họ có hàng tấn testosterone. Khi bạn ở độ tuổi từ ba đến sáu, bạn có một sự gia tăng testosterone. Và tất cả những gì bạn muốn làm là chạy, nhảy, chơi và ở bên ngoài. Và điều chúng ta đang làm là đưa họ vào trường học, bắt họ ngồi trong thời gian vòng tròn. Vậy là chúng ta đã làm họ bị gạt ra bên lề. Chúng ta gán cho họ một cái nhãn. Chúng ta nói họ có vấn đề. Chúng ta nói rằng họ có ADHD và họ có vấn đề hành vi. Và trong nhiều trường hợp, căng thẳng mà tôi đã nói đến là sự căng thẳng trong việc khiến các cậu bé nhỏ này trở nên giống các cô bé nhỏ hơn. Và đó là nơi mọi thứ bắt đầu. Sau đó, họ vào tuổi thơ. Và một lần nữa, hệ thống giáo dục thiên về cách các cô gái học, không phải cách các cậu bé học. Các cậu bé học như thế nào? Các cậu bé có khoảng chú ý rất ngắn. Và sau đó, họ cần rất nhiều hoạt động thể chất. Vậy lý tưởng là, nếu bạn xem xét các trường học dành cho các cậu bé, họ làm gì? Họ để các cậu bé chạy quanh như chạy chó ở công viên. Họ ngồi trong 45 phút hoặc nửa giờ, nhưng sau đó các cậu bé sẽ có thời gian để chạy nhảy. Sau đó, họ sẽ ngồi thêm nửa giờ nữa và rồi lại chạy nhảy. Ý tôi là, họ có khoảng bốn khoảng thời gian chơi trong một ngày. Và như thế thì thực sự tốt hơn cho các cậu bé. Còn các cô bé nhỏ thì có khả năng ngồi yên tĩnh trong thời gian vòng tròn hơn và, bạn biết đấy, họ không có nhiều testosterone. Họ không có nhu cầu chạy nhảy và chơi ở mức độ như các cậu bé. Họ cũng cần chơi. Chúng ta không để cho trẻ em của chúng ta chơi, cả các bé trai lẫn các bé gái, vì chúng ta đang cố gắng ép buộc sự phát triển não trái lên chúng quá sớm. Nhưng chúng ta đang buộc các cậu bé nhỏ vào cái hộp này. Và họ không làm tốt trong cái hộp đó. Và sau đó họ bị gán nhãn. Họ bị gán nhãn là có vấn đề hành vi, ADHD, và cái nhãn đó theo họ suốt thời thơ ấu, đôi khi đến trung học cơ sở, đến trung học phổ thông. Vâng. Bạn sẽ thay đổi điều gì? Tôi làm bạn là thủ tướng thế giới, tổng thống của thế giới, và bạn có thể khắc phục vấn đề này. Ôi, tôi sẽ cho các cậu bé được giáo dục riêng biệt với các cô gái trong những năm đầu. Trong những năm đầu, tôi sẽ có các trường dành cho các cậu bé và các trường dành cho các cô gái vì các cô gái nhỏ học khác. Và cũng có rất nhiều bằng chứng cho thấy rằng trong những năm đầu, khi bạn thực hiện giáo dục theo giới tính đơn, các cô gái nhỏ sẽ thử nghiệm những thứ mà họ sẽ không làm trước mặt các cậu bé nhỏ. Và các cậu bé sẽ thử những thứ mà họ sẽ không dám thử trước mặt các cô gái nhỏ. Như các cậu bé có khả năng cao hơn để thử nghệ thuật, hội họa và âm nhạc. Các cô gái nhỏ có khả năng cao hơn để thử STEM và toán học và tất cả những thứ mà chúng ta nói rằng các cô gái nhỏ nên làm. Vì vậy, ý tưởng là rằng giáo dục theo giới tính đơn trong những năm đầu là tốt hơn cho trẻ nhỏ vì họ học theo cách khác nhau. Còn với đàn ông thì sao? Bạn sẽ thay đổi điều gì để khắc phục những vấn đề mà bạn đã nói về testosterone và những loại vấn đề đó? Hãy nói về nó. Chúng ta nên nói về điều đó. Chúng ta không nói về vấn đề này. Bạn đã nghe bao nhiêu lần những gì tôi vừa nói? Người ta không nói về thực tế rằng nếu chúng ta sẽ thay đổi điều này và để đàn ông trở thành những người chăm sóc, thì testosterone của họ sẽ ở mức khá thấp. Bạn sẽ phải bổ sung testosterone cho họ. Và ngoài ra, bạn lấy đi mục đích của họ một cách tiến hóa và họ sẽ bị trầm cảm. Phụ nữ có nhiều nguồn tự trọng. Họ có công việc, họ có trẻ em, họ có mối quan hệ. Và trong phần lớn trường hợp, lịch sử, đàn ông tìm thấy tự trọng của họ từ công việc có ý nghĩa và có mục đích và cũng từ việc bảo vệ gia đình. Vậy những gì chúng ta đã làm là lấy đi công việc có mục đích của họ bên ngoài ngôi nhà. Chúng ta đã biến công việc có mục đích của họ thành việc ở nhà với trẻ em. Và chúng ta đã giảm testosterone. Vậy nên nếu bạn nhìn nhận điều đó và nói rằng chúng ta đang cố gắng chuyển đổi, nó giống như một thí nghiệm xã hội. Chúng ta đang cố gắng thay đổi điều gì đó mà đã mất hàng ngàn năm tiến hóa để tạo ra chỉ trong chưa đầy 100 năm. Và điều đó là vấn đề. Vậy tôi sẽ làm gì? Tôi sẽ nói về điều đó. Tôi sẽ cho các cặp đôi nói về điều đó. Tôi nghĩ họ cần nói về tính cạnh tranh. Tôi nghĩ họ cần nói về lòng ghen tị và cả sự thất vọng. Tôi có nghĩa một người phụ nữ về nhà và thấy chồng mình chăm sóc cho trẻ em, một mặt, cô ấy có thể nói, “Ôi, chồng tôi thật đẹp và đáng yêu và tôi yêu rằng anh ấy chăm sóc cho con của tôi.” Còn mặt khác, cô ấy nói với bạn bè của mình, “Tôi ước anh ấy kiếm được nhiều tiền hơn và tôi ước anh ấy chăm sóc cho tôi.” Vậy nên điều đó là vấn đề. Có một nghiên cứu theo chiều dọc được thực hiện ở Philippines đã theo dõi 624 người đàn ông trong gần năm năm và phát hiện ra rằng những người trở thành cha trải qua một sự sụt giảm đáng kể về mức testosterone. Cụ thể, những người cha có bạn đời mới có sự giảm trung bình gần 30% testosterone vào buổi sáng và 35% vào buổi tối, điều này lớn hơn đáng kể so với sự giảm mức testosterone quan sát thấy ở những người cha không có bạn đời. Hơn nữa, những người cha báo cáo dành ba giờ trở lên mỗi ngày trong việc chăm sóc trẻ em có mức testosterone thấp hơn so với những người ít tham gia vào việc chăm sóc trẻ em.
    Và cũng có một ảnh hưởng đến việc ngủ chung, nơi mà các nghiên cứu chỉ ra rằng những người cha ngủ chung với con cái của họ có mức testosterone thấp hơn so với những người không làm vậy. Điều này gợi ý rằng sự gần gũi trong lúc ngủ có thể tác động hơn nữa đến những thay đổi hormone liên quan đến việc chăm sóc cha mẹ. Một trong những lý do mà tôi từng nghe về việc tại sao testosterone của đàn ông giảm nếu họ là cha mới là vì đó là lý do tiến hóa để khiến chúng ta không ra ngoài và phản bội bạn đời mà chăm sóc cho con cái. Chà, đó là sự đầu tư vào điều đó. Vậy hoặc là bạn đầu tư vào việc giao phối, hoặc là bạn đầu tư vào việc chăm sóc. Đúng, đó là kế hoạch tốt. Đúng, và không, vì bạn vẫn cần có testosterone để duy trì một mối quan hệ hài lòng với vợ của bạn. Thật không may, điều đó không ngăn cản được đàn ông ra ngoài và phản bội vợ của họ, bởi vì một người đàn ông khỏe mạnh sẽ nói, bạn biết đấy, chúng tôi đã từng quan hệ hai lần một ngày mỗi ngày, và giờ khi có em bé, chúng tôi chỉ quan hệ một hoặc hai lần một tuần vì em bé còn nhỏ. Và một người đàn ông khỏe mạnh sẽ nói, như vậy là đủ. Tôi có thể chia nhỏ. Tôi có thể viết rằng một người đàn ông kém sức khỏe hơn có thể nói, tôi sẽ ra ngoài và tìm kiếm ở nơi khác, vì tôi không thể nhận được điều đó ở đây. Vì vậy, đúng vậy, có rất nhiều sắc thái trong tất cả những câu hỏi bạn đang hỏi. Nhưng điều tôi muốn nói là mức testosterone giảm chút ít khi bạn có một em bé trên giường là điều bình thường. Nhưng loại testosterone mà chúng ta đang nói về việc giảm khi bạn ở nhà và nuôi dưỡng, chúng ta sẽ xem xét. Nó có thể gây ra vấn đề. Câu hỏi cuối cùng của tôi là về thiết bị và công nghệ. Có rất nhiều cuốn sách được viết gần đây và nhiều cuộc trò chuyện xoay quanh tác động mà màn hình, mạng xã hội, điện thoại di động có lên trẻ em. Bạn nghĩ gì về việc nuôi dạy trẻ khỏe mạnh trong một thế giới công nghệ? Tôi nghĩ rằng Hiệp hội Nhi khoa Hoa Kỳ nói không nên sử dụng công nghệ cho trẻ dưới hai tuổi, vì lý do chính đáng. Không có iPhone, không có iPad, đúng không? Nếu bạn muốn ngồi xem Mr. Rogers khi con bạn hai tuổi, một tập phim phát lại của khu phố Mr. Rogers, cũng được. Nhưng không có công nghệ. Sau đó, bạn thực sự nên điều chỉnh công nghệ. Tại sao điều đó lại quan trọng? Bởi vì công nghệ làm tăng mức dopamine trong não của bạn, đó là lý do tại sao người lớn cũng bị nghiện nó. Nó rất gây nghiện. Và vấn đề là ở người lớn, khi bạn nhìn vào công nghệ, nó làm tăng dopamine của bạn, nhưng đã có nghiên cứu cho thấy rằng công nghệ làm tăng dopamine trong não của thanh thiếu niên gấp mười lần. Nói cách khác, nếu bạn hút thuốc lá, nó sẽ khiến bạn say. Nếu một thanh thiếu niên hút cùng một điếu thuốc đó, nó sẽ khiến họ say gấp mười lần. Nó liên quan đến độ nhạy cảm của não đối với dopamine và sự thiếu hụt điều tiết. Vùng vỏ trước là phần của não điều tiết cảm xúc, và nó chưa phát triển hoàn toàn cho đến khoảng 25 tuổi. Tất cả dopamine đó cần được điều tiết dễ dàng hơn ở một người trưởng thành so với một thanh thiếu niên. Vì vậy, điều đó không tốt vì nó dẫn đến nghiện ngập. Được rồi, điều đó không tốt vì đặc biệt là mạng xã hội, nhưng tất cả các loại công nghệ, chúng kích thích vùng amygdala. Nhớ rằng phần não nhỏ hình hạt hạnh nhân điều tiết stress đó? Nó kích hoạt phản ứng stress, mà bạn không muốn làm thường xuyên. Có rất nhiều vấn đề với điều đó. Và trong trường hợp mạng xã hội với thanh thiếu niên, đặc biệt là các cô gái trẻ, nó tận dụng. Ý tôi là, bạn phải nói rằng điều này được tạo ra để tận dụng. Đó không phải là sự ngẫu nhiên. Nó được tạo ra một cách thao túng vì lý do mà điều này rất xấu cho não bộ của các cô gái tuổi teen là vì sự tự ý thức, sự hoàn hảo, tất cả đều khiến não bộ trong một trạng thái stress và sợ hãi siêu nhạy cảm. Bạn đang đưa những cô gái và cậu bé vào một trạng thái sợ hãi và stress siêu cảnh giác, đúng không? Tôi phải hoàn hảo. Tôi không nhìn đẹp bằng họ. Cái đầm của tôi không xinh đẹp như vậy. Vì vậy, bạn đang đặt trẻ em vào trạng thái sợ hãi, và sau đó họ không thể tách biệt khỏi thiết bị. Giống như họ bị… Có một bộ phim, tôi nghĩ gọi là Inception, nơi bạn có thể bị mắc kẹt trong một mô hình. Bạn có thể bị mắc kẹt trong một ảo tưởng và thực tế ảo. Theo một cách nào đó, họ bị mắc kẹt trong mô hình của sự hoàn hảo, sự cô lập xã hội, sự tự ý thức, tất cả đều khiến não bộ trong một trạng thái stress siêu cảnh giác. Vì vậy, điều đó hoàn toàn không tốt, không tốt cho người lớn, còn tệ hơn cho não bộ của thanh thiếu niên. Điều quan trọng nhất mà chúng ta nên nói đến hôm nay mà chúng ta chưa bàn luận là gì? Tôi nghĩ chúng ta đã nói về rất nhiều điều, nhưng tôi muốn nói rằng sự hiện diện thực sự rất quan trọng đối với trẻ em, và không có gì có thể thay thế được. Ý tưởng mà chúng ta có như một xã hội rằng việc chăm sóc trẻ em là điều có thể giao cho người khác, rằng bạn có thể ủy thác, Ủy thác những thứ khác cho người khác. Ủy thác kế toán của bạn. Ủy thác việc giặt giũ của bạn. Ủy thác việc nấu ăn của bạn. Nếu bạn là giám đốc điều hành, hãy ủy thác mọi thứ bạn có thể, nhưng hãy dành thời gian với trẻ em của bạn. Mối quan hệ của bạn với chúng, sức khỏe tâm thần của chúng phụ thuộc vào điều đó. Và đó không phải là điều chúng ta nói. Chúng ta nói, làm việc, làm việc, làm việc, kiếm thêm tiền, mọi người làm việc, làm việc, làm việc và trẻ em của bạn sẽ ổn thôi. Rõ ràng là trẻ em của chúng ta không ổn. Tôi nên làm gì như một nhà tuyển dụng? Tôi thuê rất nhiều người và tôi đang nghĩ, chà, liệu tôi có cần cho mọi người nghỉ ba năm khi họ có con không? Có phải đó là… Chà, theo ý kiến của tôi, hãy cho họ nghỉ càng nhiều thời gian càng tốt. Đàn ông và phụ nữ? Đàn ông và phụ nữ, bất cứ ai là người chăm sóc chính. Tôi muốn nói rằng bất cứ ai thực sự có trách nhiệm chăm sóc cho đứa trẻ đó. Nhưng sau đó hãy cho họ nhiều lựa chọn. Cho họ lựa chọn về cách làm việc trong những năm mà con cái họ còn rất nhỏ. Hãy cho họ lựa chọn làm việc bán thời gian hoặc chia sẻ công việc hoặc làm việc tại nhà nửa tuần để họ không phải rời xa con cái mà vẫn có thể làm việc.
    Cung cấp cho họ những lựa chọn và phương án cho phép họ có một chút linh hoạt và kiểm soát. Nếu bạn biết rằng một nhân viên có những đứa trẻ nhỏ, hãy chấp nhận thực tế rằng họ có thể cần rời đi sớm và không ở lại lâu như những người khác không có con cái, và điều đó sẽ khiến những người không có con cái tức giận. Và bạn biết không? Điều đó thì khó khăn, vì đó là những gì những đứa trẻ cần. Cuộc sống không công bằng. Nó không phải lúc nào cũng công bằng. Và nếu bạn muốn có một đứa trẻ, bạn cũng có thể có điều đó. Nhưng ý tưởng về sự công bằng hoàn toàn thì thật khó khăn, vì đó là những gì xã hội cần. Nó cần những đứa trẻ khỏe mạnh. Nếu bạn sẽ có một đứa trẻ và bạn cần rời đi mỗi ngày vào lúc bốn giờ, để bạn có thể về nhà với những đứa trẻ của bạn. Vì vậy, hãy linh hoạt, kiểm soát, lựa chọn, càng nhiều thời gian nghỉ ngơi càng tốt trong giai đoạn đầu. Bạn có nhận ra rằng một số điều bạn nói là gây tranh cãi không? Hầu như tất cả trong số đó. Vâng. Tại sao bạn vẫn nói chúng? Bởi vì ai đó phải nói. Bởi vì đó là những sự thật bất tiện đang cản trở chúng ta có những đứa trẻ khỏe mạnh trở thành những người trưởng thành không khỏe mạnh. Và vì vậy, ai đó phải nói những điều này. Nếu bạn quá lo lắng về việc mọi người có thích bạn hay không, thì đôi khi bạn không nói những gì cần phải nói. Và may mắn thay, tôi không quan tâm liệu mọi người có thích tôi hay không, nhưng tôi quan tâm rằng mọi người yêu thích con cái của họ và muốn ở bên con cái của họ. Đó là lý do tại sao tôi nói những điều này. Tại sao điều này lại mang tính cá nhân đến vậy với bạn? Tôi có thể thấy điều đó trên khuôn mặt của bạn. Vậy thì bạn sẽ phải hỏi tôi về câu chuyện cá nhân của tôi. Câu chuyện cá nhân của tôi, để nhanh chóng tóm tắt, là mẹ của tôi là một người mẹ rất yêu thương, nhưng bà có thể tách biệt. Và bằng cách tách biệt, bà đã phải trải qua nhiều chấn thương khi còn nhỏ. Và tôi nghĩ bà đã kiểm soát điều đó bằng cách cảm xúc, bà giống như một cô bé. Bà rất ngọt ngào, nhưng bà giống như một cô bé. Vì vậy, tôi không thể luôn luôn cảm nhận được bà. Tôi không thể, bà giống như cát trôi qua các ngón tay của tôi. Vì vậy, tôi có thể nhớ nỗi đau, nhưng bà vẫn ở đó về mặt thể chất, nhưng tôi có thể nhớ nỗi đau của sự vắng mặt trong tâm trí của bà. Và bà có thể cảm nhận cho tôi, đó là lý do tại sao tôi có lòng đồng cảm rất lớn. Nhưng bà không thể nghĩ về tôi. Vì vậy, có hai điều mà cha mẹ phải có khả năng làm cho con cái. Họ phải có khả năng cảm nhận cho con cái. Họ phải cảm nhận sự đồng cảm với nỗi đau của con cái, với sự khổ sở của con cái. Họ không thể nhìn đi chỗ khác trước nỗi đau và sự khổ sở của con cái. Bạn không thể nhìn đi chỗ khác. Bạn không có điều kiện xa xỉ để bỏ qua sự khổ sở của con cái. Nhưng bạn cũng phải có khả năng suy nghĩ về chúng và suy nghĩ về những ai chúng là. Mẹ tôi có thể cảm nhận cho tôi, nhưng bà không thể nghĩ về tôi vì bà sẽ tách biệt. Vì vậy, nỗi đau cá nhân của tôi là khi có một người mẹ yêu thương nhưng có một số giới hạn. Và điều đó đã khiến tôi muốn trở thành một người mẹ tốt hơn, nhưng cũng khiến tôi muốn đối xử tốt với những người muốn trở thành những người mẹ và người cha tốt hơn. Những triệu chứng đó đã ảnh hưởng đến bạn như thế nào khi bạn lớn lên trong thời teen? Tôi gặp khó khăn trong việc giao tiếp xã hội và tôi vật lộn với danh tính của mình và cá nhân và lòng tự trọng, tôi muốn nói. Và cho đến khi tôi bước vào trị liệu. Ôi, tôi đã thử rất nhiều thứ trong những năm 20 của mình. Tôi đã làm việc trong sản xuất truyền hình. Tôi đã làm việc trên đồi Capitol. Tôi đã làm việc trong nhiều lĩnh vực quan hệ công chúng. Và cuối cùng, tôi thấy mình ngồi trong văn phòng của nhà trị liệu một ngày nào đó và nhìn xung quanh và nói, “Đây là nơi tôi muốn ở. Tôi muốn là người làm những gì cô ấy làm. Và tôi muốn giúp mọi người theo cách mà cô ấy đã giúp tôi.” Vậy nên mối quan hệ đó với nhà trị liệu đầu tiên và sau đó là nhà trị liệu thứ hai của tôi, và, bạn biết đấy, như những nhà phân tâm học, chúng tôi phải trải qua trị liệu trong nhiều năm, bởi vì điểm mấu chốt là chúng tôi phải làm việc trên chính mình sâu sắc đến mức không gây hại cho bệnh nhân một cách vô tình với những vấn đề của chính chúng tôi. Vì vậy, chúng tôi phải rất, như chúng tôi nói, rất tổ chức như một con người. Nhưng vâng, vậy nên đó là câu chuyện cá nhân của tôi và lý do tại sao việc nuôi dạy trẻ lại quan trọng với tôi và sự dễ bị tổn thương của các em bé lại rất quan trọng với tôi. Erika, chúng ta có một truyền thống kết thúc trong podcast này, nơi khách mời cuối cùng sẽ để lại một câu hỏi cho khách mời kế tiếp mà không biết họ sẽ để lại cho ai. Và câu hỏi đã được để lại cho bạn là, “Điều gì trong điếu văn của bạn?” Ôi trời ơi. Tôi sẽ biết ai đã để lại điều đó. Bạn sẽ cho tôi biết sau. Ôi, điều gì trong điếu văn của tôi? Tử tế, hào phóng, đầy lòng từ bi, nhiệt tình trong những niềm tin của mình, cứng đầu như cái địa ngục, một người bạn tốt, một người mẹ tốt, một người vợ tuyệt vời. Vâng. Tôi nghĩ điều đó sẽ có. Tôi chắc chắn nghĩ điều đó sẽ có. Và tôi nghĩ sẽ còn có thêm một vài câu nữa nói về giá trị mà bạn đã mang lại cho thế giới thông qua công việc mà bạn làm. Bây giờ, có thể mọi người sẽ không đồng ý với mọi điều bạn nói, vì mọi người có rất nhiều ý kiến khác nhau về các vấn đề này, nhưng tôi tin rằng những người sẵn sàng truyền đạt suy nghĩ của họ, sự thật của họ dựa trên khoa học mà họ đã trải nghiệm, đã đọc và đã nghiên cứu và những kinh nghiệm mà họ đã có, những khách hàng mà họ đã gặp là điều vô cùng quan trọng, vì tôi nghĩ nếu chúng ta nhìn lại lịch sử, sự tiến bộ đã xảy ra khi mọi người bất đồng quan điểm với những narative được chấp nhận. Trên thực tế, có thể tôi sẽ không thể ngồi đây ở Mỹ như một người đàn ông da đen nếu không có những người đã có勇气 của niềm tin để bất đồng với một số narative nhất định. Và vì vậy, tôi luôn, tôi nghĩ đã được lập trình sẵn rằng sự bất đồng là có tính xây dựng, đặc biệt khi nó có ý nghĩa tốt. Và đó chính xác là cách tôi nhìn thấy công việc của bạn. Tôi nghĩ rằng bạn đang thách thức một narative, mang đến bằng chứng và một quan điểm mới, một góc nhìn khác mà tôi nghĩ là rất, rất quan trọng đối với rất nhiều người. Và điều đó đã rất thú vị với tôi vì tôi đã gặp khó khăn, bạn biết đấy, tôi đang tiến tới giai đoạn của cuộc đời mà tôi trở thành một người cha và tôi đang đọc tất cả những điều này về việc để con bạn khóc trên sàn nhà trong siêu thị hoặc để chúng vào thời gian tạm ngừng hoặc… Ôi, tôi thực sự sẽ đưa cho bạn số điện thoại của tôi. Vâng.
    Tôi đã cố gắng vượt qua cơn bão của những lời khuyên về việc nuôi dạy con cái và những điều tầm phào. Và thật tuyệt vời khi nghe được quan điểm của bạn vì nó là một góc nhìn khác. Đó là góc nhìn mà không ai thực sự muốn nói ra. Và vì vậy, đối với tôi, điều đó rất hữu ích. Cảm ơn bạn, Erica. Cảm ơn bạn rất nhiều vì thời gian và sự hào phóng của bạn hôm nay. Tôi thực sự, thực sự trân trọng điều đó. Và xin hãy tiếp tục công việc mà bạn đang làm. Tôi rất hào hứng với cuốn sách sắp tới của bạn. Tôi nghĩ nó sẽ ra mắt vào năm sau, đúng không? Đúng vậy. Về ly hôn. Nếu ai đó muốn tìm hiểu thêm về công việc của bạn, chúng tôi có hai cuốn sách xuất sắc ở đây: “Being There, Why Prioritising Motherhood is the First in the First Three Years Matters,” một cuốn sách tuyệt vời được xuất bản vào năm 2017, theo tôi nhớ. Và cuốn này, “Chicken Little, The Sky Isn’t Falling, Raising Resilient Adolescents in the New Age of Anxiety,” được xuất bản vào năm 2021, theo tôi nhớ. Tôi sẽ liên kết cả hai cuốn này bên dưới. Tôi rất khuyên bạn nên đọc những cuốn sách này nếu bạn quan tâm đến những chủ đề này như tôi. Nhưng còn nơi nào khác mọi người có thể tìm thấy bạn? www.komisar.com. Và cũng tại Attachment Circles, trang web sẽ sớm hoạt động. Nếu bạn đang tìm kiếm cộng đồng và giáo dục, hãy đến với Attachment Circles. Tuyệt vời. Tôi sẽ liên kết cả hai nơi này bên dưới ở bất kỳ đâu bạn đang nghe điều này. Erica, cảm ơn bạn. Cảm ơn bạn đã mời tôi. Một số người thành công, hấp dẫn và sâu sắc nhất trên thế giới đã ngồi đối diện với tôi tại bàn này. Và vào cuối mỗi cuộc trò chuyện, tôi đã yêu cầu họ để lại một câu hỏi trong cuốn nhật ký nổi tiếng của một CEO. Đó là một câu hỏi được thiết kế để kích thích những cuộc trò chuyện quan trọng nhất, những cuộc trò chuyện có thể thay đổi cuộc đời bạn. Sau đó, chúng tôi lấy những câu hỏi đó và đặt chúng lên những tấm thiệp này. Trên mỗi tấm thiệp, bạn có thể thấy người đã để lại câu hỏi, câu hỏi họ đã hỏi. Và ở phía bên kia, nếu bạn quét mã vạch đó, bạn có thể thấy ai đã trả lời câu hỏi tiếp theo. Một điều mà tôi biết nhiều bạn muốn biết. Và cách duy nhất để tìm hiểu là mua cho mình một số thẻ trò chuyện, mà bạn có thể chơi ở nhà với bạn bè và gia đình, tại nơi làm việc với đồng nghiệp, và cũng với những người lạ hoàn toàn trong kỳ nghỉ. Tôi sẽ để liên kết đến các thẻ trò chuyện trong mô tả bên dưới. Và bạn có thể mua của mình tại thediary.com.
    [Nhạc]
    (Âm nhạc vui vẻ)
    每五個孩子中就有一個會在不離開童年之前發展出嚴重的心理疾病。焦慮、抑鬱、注意力不集中症(ADHD)、行為問題,讓我感到憤怒的是,我們並沒有真正教育或告訴父母這些問題的真相。為什麼你所說的會讓某些人感到困擾?有時事實是一個不方便的真相,但我將要說的每一句話都有研究支持。Erica Camusar 是一位育兒專家和精神分析師,她利用超過 30 年的研究挑戰育兒和幼兒發展的社會常規。有些關於如何養育健康孩子的神話需要被揭穿。首先,大家會認為托兒所對孩子的社交化有好處。其實,這對他們的大腦是非常有害的,已知會增加攻擊性、行為問題、依附障礙,因為嬰兒需要其母親在前三年提供情感安全的陪伴。父親能做到嗎?父親在不同的方面也很重要,我會詳述這一點。父母雙方都是至關重要的,因為如果缺少其中一方,你就會缺少一個片段。還有質量與數量的時間問題。如果你需要在質量和數量上都要在那裡,你不能擁有絢麗的職業,然後在自己的時間裡回到家中陪伴孩子。這需要在他們的時間上安排,還有更多。我們會逐一討論這些,但是否有任何特權領域是你需要承認的?也許是某位沒有伴侶的人,或者處於非常困難的經濟狀況的人。我有,但有很多方法可以創造性地應對,我會逐一介紹。那麼… 我希望《CEO日記》永遠免費,不會背後有任何類型的付費牆或訂閱模式。我們做到這一點的方法是你們選擇關注並訂閱這個節目。因此,如果你現在正在收聽這個節目,你可能是被發送了這集,你之前也許聽過幾集,你能幫我一個忙嗎?如果你能幫我這個忙,我保證在接下來的十年裡,會為能讓這個節目完全免費而努力,不再有付費牆,也不會對用戶產生任何成本。你能點擊關注按鈕嗎?關注按鈕會在你現在收聽的任何應用上。可能是 Spotify、Apple 或其他類似的應用。點擊那個通常在應用角落的小勾勾,就是這個節目將永遠免費的原因,永遠。非常感謝。如果你能幫我這個忙,真的非常感謝。我非常感激。回到節目內容。Erica,你顯然有一個使命。我從你身上感受到這種能量,似乎你有一個人們大多數不相信或在某種程度上難以接受的想法。但這是一個重要的想法。你現在的使命是什麼?我喜歡把它稱為三個 P:存在、優先考量和預防。我會逐一說明。我的使命是教育父母、政策制定者、臨床醫生和教育工作者,告訴他們,要讓孩子們未來心理健康,必須在整個童年期間,尤其是在兩個重要的腦部發展時期,即零至三歲和九至二十五歲(青春期),在身體和情感上始終陪伴他們。因此,在這兩個重要的腦部發展時期,特別是零至三歲,孩子的發展在很大程度上取決於他們的環境,而你就是他們的環境。因此,我在全世界奔走呼籲,強調身體和情感上的存在、依附的安全性。依附的安全性是未來心理健康的基礎。優先考量,我們今天優先考慮的一切,除了孩子。我們優先考慮工作、事業、物質上的成功、個人的慾望與樂趣,但我們沒有優先考慮孩子。這是個問題,因為如果我們不優先考慮他們,他們會崩潰。他們可能在三歲時崩潰,可能在八歲時崩潰,或許等到青春期才會崩潰,但最終他們會崩潰。而在預防方面,我們可以做很多事情。我們目前正面臨全球的心理健康危機。這在美國有一定的變化。每五個孩子中就有一個在童年期間會有某個時刻崩潰,或發展出嚴重的心理疾病,如焦慮、抑鬱、注意力不集中症(ADHD)、行為問題、甚至自殺念頭。所以在英國我們也面臨問題。在美國,這是六分之一;在全世界,約是五分之一的比例。這是一個驚人的數字。因此,事實是我們可以做很多事情來預防這種情況。這種觀念就像我們試圖撲滅火災,但卻不談論這些問題的根源。當前的心理健康照護體系,就像我所說的修剪草坪。孩子們被用藥,基本上只是痛苦管理。他們接受認知行為療法(CBT),這同樣只是痛苦管理。但我們為什麼不提問一些重要的問題?情感調節的源頭在哪裡?它從哪裡來?什麼時候開始?我們如何從非常小的年齡促進孩子的發展,以促進未來面對壓力和逆境的韌性?這就是我的三個使命。對於那些不了解你工作和不熟悉你的人,他們可能會想,Erica,你怎麼會知道?你怎麼會知道答案?所以我是一名精神分析師,兼任社會工作者。我最初是做社會工作的,然後成為了一名精神分析師。我也是育兒指導和教育書籍的作者。我一直在執業,接待病人。因此,我的主要工作仍然是接待病人。我全職的工作就是看病人。作為一名父母,我也有三個自己的孩子。
    作為一位父母、一名臨床醫生,以及一位過去20年來專注於研究的作者,我所做的就是收集關於表觀遺傳學、依附理論和神經科學的研究,並寫下了我的第一本書《在場》。因為我發現兒童心理疾病的增加。這也是我進入這個領域的原因。
    約30年前,我開始執業,大約在36年前。但我進入臨床工作約五年後,我注意到前來看診的家庭其孩子的年紀越來越小,卻已被診斷出非常嚴重的心理疾病,並在很小的年紀就開始服藥,基本上是壓抑他們的痛苦。我觀察到,在我的診所中,那些情況最糟的孩子,往往是那些母親在他們生活中最缺席的孩子。因此,他們的主要依附對象在他們的生活中最不現身。
    於是,我開始研究相關文獻。我查閱了自90年代以來的所有神經科學研究以及各種新興的研究。我也查看了自60年代以來流傳的舊有依附理論,還有相對較新的表觀遺傳學研究。我看到了這一趨勢,認識到我們正在為了自己的欲望、職業和物質成功而拋棄我們的孩子。對於孩子不可減少的情感需求有著很多誤解。
    今天我們將逐一探討這些。我對於了解這一切感到非常興奮。我自己並不是一位父母。但根據我們所做的研究,你有三位心理適應良好的孩子,所以我祝賀你。我希望有一天自己也能有成功的孩子。但我對於透過你所做的工作以及你持續進行的研究來理解自己也充滿興趣,因為我們每個人都曾經是孩子。而早期經歷的許多指紋至今仍在我們身上存在。
    我想了解一下,發生在我或在場的任何人身上的事情,如何可能以促進社會或反社會的方式,或以生產性或非生產性的方式形塑我們。你提到你今天仍然在看診。你遇到什麼類型的患者?他們面臨怎樣的困難?他們是誰?你是看父母、孩子,還是兩者都看?
    我有一個非常龐大的父母指導實踐,這都是因為我所寫的書籍。還有我為《華爾街日報》和其他報紙撰寫的文章。所以,你知道,人們透過我的寫作找到我,然後主動尋求幫助。基本上,父母指導的意思是,無論是雙親來看我,還是一位父母,因為他們對孩子的發展有疑問或碰到了問題。他們的孩子開始出現一些症狀,但不想給孩子服藥。他們想要理解問題的根本原因。所以這是我診所中一大部分的工作。
    但我也看個別患者,處理憂鬱和焦慮的問題。我也接待夫妻。關於精神分析的笑話是,我們都是處理憂鬱和焦慮的專家。因此,我見到個人和夫妻,但很多都是針對父母指導的工作。他們通常是因為注意到孩子有些不對勁而來找你嗎?
    有時他們會因為想要培養出健康的孩子而提前來找我。社會上充斥著如此多的噪音,錯誤資訊也很多。我們的本能是要投入孩子的生活。我們的進化驅動是為孩子創造安全感,盡可能地陪伴他們,當他們感到痛苦時安慰他們,並教導他們我們的價值觀。
    但社會發生了變化。可以追溯到工業革命。我如果真的要追溯,我會說工業革命是女性首次被迫進入工廠和城市工作的時期,她們與孩子分離。但我認為,社會真正發生轉變的是60年代的我運動及女性主義運動。這兩個運動在某種程度上對社會產生了極為正面的影響,但同時也對社會造成了極大負面的影響。
    當女性決定去工作,並全職離開家時,大家都在歡呼,認為這很好,女性與男性享有同樣的權利,而現在每個人都可以進入勞動力市場,獨立賺錢,做自己的事情。可問題是,孩子們卻被遺棄了。他們的需求是不會因為社會的變化而改變的,因為他們有著不可減少的神經情感需求。
    我們知道寶寶天生在神經和情感上都是脆弱的。因此,這意味著他們並不是天生具有韌性。今天社會對寶寶的期待是他們能夠承受很多壓力,能夠應對分離,能夠在六週或三個月後回去工作而把他們留在托兒所與陌生人一起。從進化的角度來看,寶寶在最初的一年裡一直需要與母親的皮膚接觸。在大多數地方,寶寶是被抱著的,因為母親為寶寶提供了很多生物學上重要的功能,這是基於我們進化的需求來為寶寶提供所謂的依附安全感。
    所以,社會發生了變化,這造成了不少傷害。我看到,這場兒童心理健康危機在30年前就已經顯露出端倪。
    而且其實早已如此,你知道,我有朋友和同事,比如喬納森·海德,他說,「哦,這一切都是社交媒體開始的。」這是不對的,因為我早就看到了這樣的上升趨勢。如果你仔細看看,幾十年來兒童精神疾病的上升與社會向自我中心、自戀、個人主義等的轉變有很大關係,讓人們變得愈加自私。我一直在說,其實你根本不需要有孩子,也能擁有令人滿意的生活。但如果你要有孩子,就需要具備照顧他們的能力。因為單單生孩子而不真正理解照顧他們的意義,以及沒有準備好承擔這份責任,會導致我們的孩子出現問題。
    為什麼你提到母親而不提父親?因為你似乎強調母親所扮演的角色,在你看來,母親的角色似乎比父親、保姆或其他照顧者的角色更重要。我在你2017年出版的第一本書中注意到了這一點,書的封面上寫著「為什麼優先考慮母愛在前三年如此重要?」從科學和進化的角度,以及研究結果,你怎麼能說服我相信母親的角色比父親或其他照顧者的角色更為重要呢?
    其實在書中討論了母親和父親之間的差異,因為這是一個重要的問題。我寫母親的原因並不是因為父親不重要,而是因為父親的重要性在於另一種方式。社會上存在著關於性別中立的討論,認為母親和父親是可以互換的,但從進化的角度來看,作為哺乳動物,他們並不可以互換。母親和父親各自有不同的功能,而這些角色和行為與養育荷爾蒙有關。
    當孩子還是嬰兒和幼兒時,母親在所謂的敏感同理心養育中至關重要。這意味著當孩子們感到痛苦時,母親會安撫嬰兒,並因此不斷調節他們的情緒。每一次母親用皮膚接觸、眼神交流以及柔和的聲音安撫嬰兒時,她都在感知這個嬰兒的痛苦,並調節這個嬰兒的情緒。我的理解是,當嬰兒出生時,他們的情緒是分離的。可以想像一下在大西洋航行,嬰兒的情緒就是這樣的,他們情緒波動很大,而我們希望他們能在加勒比海航行,而不是情緒平穩,但是我們希望他們能夠調節自己的情緒,但他們不是天生會這樣。
    因為母親能夠在三年的早期時期中,即身體和情感上都很充足地安撫嬰兒,這幫助嬰兒學會了如何調節自己的情緒。到三歲時,85%的右腦已經發展完成。到三歲時,嬰兒便能開始內化調節自身情緒的能力。如果母親不在,作為主要的依附對象,無法做情緒的映照和安撫,那麼嬰兒就無法學會如何調節自己的情緒。
    母親還有一項重要的功能,就是通過在嬰兒身上抱著他們來幫助他們緩解壓力,特別是在第一年。通過在前三年裡儘量保持陪伴,她們實際上保護了嬰兒的大腦免受皮質醇,即壓力荷爾蒙的影響。還有一種荷爾蒙叫催產素,這是情感的荷爾蒙,對抗皮質醇。當母親以敏感、同情心的方式養育嬰兒,即當嬰兒哭時,母親會說:「哦,親愛的,讓我看看受傷的地方,讓我親吻一下。」這樣實際上會提高嬰兒大腦中的催產素,從而保護嬰兒免受皮質醇的傷害。
    父親能做到這些嗎?所以父親為什麼重要呢?父親也會產生催產素,但對他們大腦的影響不同。對母親而言,催產素使母親變得敏感,充滿同理心,隨時警惕嬰兒的痛苦。而對父親來說,催產素來自他們大腦的不同部分,讓他們變成玩耍的、刺激嬰兒的角色。你覺得這聽起來怎麼樣?玩耍的、敏感刺激嬰兒的角色。把嬰兒往空中拋,逗弄嬰兒,追著嬰兒,玩耍吵鬧。所以這樣的重要性有很多原因。首先,它鼓勵探索和冒險,促進分離。而且父親做一件非常重要的事情,就是幫助嬰兒學會調節某些情緒。母親幫助調節悲傷、恐懼和痛苦,而父親幫助調節興奮和攻擊性。
    所以當父親不在家裡,當單身母親在沒有父親的情況下抚養孩子時,經常會看到小男孩出現行為問題,因為他們無法調節自己的攻擊性。因為父親特別幫助小男孩(而且小女孩也會)調節攻擊性。所以當父親不在時,通常會看到小男孩更加衝動、更加具攻擊性。因此答案是,父親和母親對孩子的發展都是至關重要的,這在今天是一個非常有爭議的說法,因為如果一個人是在沒有某一方的環境下長大的,那麼他們會缺少一部分。但他們不是一樣的,因為我們的荷爾蒙決定了他們不是一樣的。父親產生大量的荷爾蒙叫抗利尿激素,這是保護性的攻擊性荷爾蒙。
    這個東西是做什麼的?
    它幫助父親保護他們的家庭。
    有一項研究,母親和父親躺在床上。
    寶寶在哭。
    這項研究來自英國。
    寶寶在哭。
    而父親則在寶寶痛苦的哭聲中沉沉入睡。
    但母親卻馬上醒來。
    好吧。但是當窗外樹葉沙沙作響時,
    母親仍然能睡著,而父親卻馬上醒來。
    因為父親會對捕食者的威脅敏感。
    所以我們的養育荷爾蒙讓我們不同。
    我的意思是,我們可以說在女性和男性之間有很多相似之處,
    當然,我們都是聰明的。
    我們都可以雄心勃勃。
    但我覺得我們想要讓所有事情變得一樣的想法,
    其實並不是事實。
    這是一個不方便的真相,母親和父親的養育荷爾蒙
    決定了如果他們健康並且在健康的環境中成長,
    他們就是不同的。
    那麼,這是否意味著父親不能撫養孩子,無法成為敏感的共情者?
    這並不意味著他不能擔任那個角色。
    但如果作為一個社會,我們不能承認這些差異,
    那麼父親就無法學會成為一個敏感的共情者。
    這意味著這些是本能的行為。
    所以那個嬰兒,如果父親要和他待在一起,
    承認差異可以使父親成為敏感的共情者。
    這是非常有趣的,因為這些觀念在社會上並不被接受,
    或至少不是你在社交媒體上看到的觀點。
    有趣的是,當你講話時,
    我錄下了你所說的一切,然後用人工智慧分析了一遍。
    人工智慧說你分享的核心觀點得到了演化心理學和神經科學的良好支持,
    這相當令人驚訝,因為通常人工智慧會和人爭辯。
    我的意思是,我所寫的書沒有基於意見。
    所以我對不以研究為依據的任何事物都相當謹慎。
    我所寫的和講的所有內容都是有研究支持的。
    你所說的為何會讓一些人如此困擾?
    你知道為什麼,對吧?
    因為這讓我們面對一系列的現實…
    這是一個不方便的真相,引用阿爾·戈爾的話。
    這是不方便的真相。
    有時事實是個不方便的真相。
    就像氣候變化是一個不方便的真相。
    這是一個不方便的真相。
    它讓人感到不便。
    它也讓人感到內疚。
    所以我不認為內疚是一種壞感覺。
    我不認為內疚是一件壞事。
    內疚是你自我運作的指標。
    它表明你自我的一部分,名為超我,
    能識別出感覺正確和錯誤的東西。
    所以如果你看著一個哭泣的寶寶,那是你的寶寶,而你卻感到無動於衷,
    那就意味著你內心的某部分是死去的。
    你有一部分對自己的孩子缺乏同理心。
    我們會說,這並不意味著那個人是一個壞人。
    這可能意味著那個人自己經歷過某種早期創傷,對吧?
    這意味著他們可能有某種附著障礙,
    無法感知到寶寶的痛苦,對吧?
    所以當你感到內疚時,這意味著你內心存在衝突。
    這意味著你內心的兩個部分在互相掙扎。
    你想做自己想做的事情的部分。
    我想去工作。
    我想賺錢。
    我想要自由,你知道嗎?
    而你內心的另一部分則說:“等等。
    但我的寶寶,我的寶寶需要我。
    看看我脆弱的寶寶。
    看他多麼傷心。
    看看我缺席對寶寶造成的痛苦。”
    所以如果我們不感到內疚, 那麼我們的物種就會迷失。
    我們迷失了。
    現在,過度的內疚是另一回事。
    如果你是一個足夠優秀的母親或父親
    而你仍然感到內疚,那麼我們稱之為焦慮。
    但在大多數情況下,我所說的讓許多女性和男性感到內疚。
    再一次,我不認為這是一件壞事。
    我覺得當我們告訴父母要遠離他們的內疚,而不是面對它的時候,
    當我們面對內心的衝突時,
    我們往往會為自己、為孩子、為家庭做出更好的決策。
    但當我們逃避這些衝突時,
    我們通常不會做出好的決策。
    這些往往會有長期的後果。
    你究竟用你的真相令什麼感到不便?
    你具體有哪些觀念—
    你必須犧牲時間、金錢和自由。
    如果你想要撫養健康的孩子,
    這將需要不適、挫折和犧牲。
    有趣的是,還有一件事情發生了,
    因為我們在如此自私、自我中心的環境中撫養孩子,
    年輕人變得更加脆弱。
    他們的情感更為脆弱。
    更多的人有附著障礙。
    他們無法忍受挫折。
    他們無法忍受痛苦。
    他們無法忍受失眠。
    有這種觀念,認為你必須雇一個嬰兒護理師
    因為你無法在半夜起來照顧自己的寶寶。
    這在某些社會經濟圈子中已經成為常態。
    所以歷史上,男性和女性總是共同撫養孩子,
    在擴展家庭中成長。
    他們並不是孤立的。
    而今天,父母非常孤立。
    所以你會希望你的母親和你住在一起,
    或者你的姐妹會和你住在一起,
    或者你住在一個大房子裡,會有其他人來支持你。
    我最近創立了一個非營利機構,因為我發現很多母親—
    這個機構叫做“依附圈”。
    很多母親感到非常孤立,
    面對獨自撫養的痛苦和不適對她們來說太沉重了。
    所以就有這樣的情況。
    因此,我們生活在一個非常奇怪的社會裡,
    人們彼此分開,
    他們自己的家是公寓,
    而他們不依賴彼此,
    因為依賴是個壞詞。
    但我們還有這樣一個問題:為什麼我們會培養出如此脆弱的年輕人,以至於撫養孩子的任何不適和挫折對他們來說都是太多了?這其中有一個很大的經濟因素,對吧?因為如果你在孤立的環境中撫養孩子,你擁有可支配收入的概率,或者至少有足夠的錢能夠留在家中撫養孩子並仍然維持一定的生活品質的可能性會降低,尤其是在沒有一個大家庭可以支持和支付一些費用的情況下。 有趣的是,對於你的問題,答案是「有」和「沒有」。通常而言,經濟資源較少的人更少孤立,但今天他們也很孤立。你會看到很多單身母親在撫養孩子,她們並不是和其他家庭成員一起住在一個公寓裡,而是不得不搬到其他城市或國家謀生,這樣她們真的很孤立。你知道,我認為這不僅是經濟階層的問題。對於富裕的人來說,更富有的人,他們中的許多人選擇孤立。他們購買大房子,住在郊區,或者不想依賴任何人,對吧?所以我稱之為家庭散佈。實際上就是這樣,當人們有了孩子時,他們會遠離原生家庭,這是非常奇怪且違反本能的。因此,世界已經成為一個全球化的地方,我們可以隨意移動。但這不是常識嗎?難道這不是一個合理的理由,要求你想要更靠近你的大家庭,即使他們有時令人厭煩,除非他們是虐待者?因為這能給你支持。它為你提供了擴大家庭的支持,但這並不是目前發生的情況。人們選擇地理上遠離其原生家庭。這使得家庭生活變得更加困難,尤其是對女性。這使她們感到更加孤立。她們有自己的事業,有自己的熱情。她們有自己熱愛的事情,這意味著她們必須在大城市工作,或者必須出差來追尋這些事情。你剛才說了。如果她們有熱情呢?如果她們有事業呢?問題是孩子在大家庭環境中最茁壯成長。所以你可以有一份很棒的事業,搬得遠離你的家庭。當你年輕且單身,我甚至可以說,當你已婚但沒有孩子時,你仍然非常單身。你知道我對父母說的是,如果你有孩子而不陪伴他們,你的生活不會那麼美好。尤其在早期,因為發生的事情是他們會崩潰,而有一種說法是父母的快樂程度只與他們最不快樂的孩子有關。因此,如果你的孩子正在崩潰,你的生活就不存在「美好」一說。家庭正在學到的是,那些自由和那些美好的個人時間,若你有孩子,都是要付出代價的。因此有人會說:「好吧,那我就不生孩子了。」那也沒問題。因此,如今有很多人說:「我不覺得有責任照顧另一個人類的價值。」而他們錯過的是與孩子之間的深厚而有意義的情感聯繫。這是一種無與倫比的愛。但如果你小時候遭遇過創傷,或是有自戀的父母,或者對育兒心懷怨恨,或者分心或心理生病,你可能已經經歷過那種創傷,這意味着後來你更難與人建立連結。因此,我之前提到的那些依附障礙,有三種依附障礙。第一種是回避性依附障礙。那是什麼意思呢?健康的依附應該是這樣的。當你回到家時,你的孩子會感到非常安全地依附在你身上。我的意思是,你和配偶外出吃飯一兩個小時。你回到家,寶寶很高興見到你,而我們所謂的重聚,也是美好的重聚。寶寶是快樂而滿足的。這就是健康的依附。這意味著你讓你的寶寶感到如此安全和可靠,因為你主要在那裡,而且在大多數時間裡把他們放在第一位,作為主要的依附人物,以至於當你回家時,寶寶會歡迎你。然而,我們看到越來越多的孩子正在發展依附障礙,因為他們的父母在推動離開寶寶的極限,將他們放在像機構護理這樣的環境中,並長時間離開,去追求他們的美好事業或美好生活,而在這些年齡,寶寶實際上無法忍受那種分離。當母親,就是主要的依附人物回到家時,如果寶寶轉向保姆或只是轉過去,那麼那個寶寶就開始發展所謂的回避性依附障礙。這種情況在以後常常與憂鬱症和形成依附的困難有關。下一種依附障礙叫做矛盾性依附障礙。母親回到家,寶寶緊緊依附在母親身上,因為那個寶寶內心的聲音是「我媽媽會再次離開我」。所以我必須緊緊抱住她。現在這個寶寶變得煩躁,無法安撫,並且不會放開那位母親,拼命地抱著她。就像了不起的猴子緊緊地抓住鐵絲籠一樣。這在以後與青少年中的焦慮有關。而無組織的依附障礙則與另外兩者不同,因為其他兩者都有一種策略。所以把依附障礙想成是一種策略,孩子被父母留置過久或父母雖然身體在場但情感上卻退縮。那寶寶必須應對,必須有策略。
    轉身背棄母親是一種策略。
    內心的敘述是:我媽媽對我不存在,對我不在這裡,也不會在我身邊。
    我無法信任我的環境。
    然後那個嬰兒會說:「我必須自己應對。」
    這就是我們所稱的學習無助。
    矛盾依附障礙,那個嬰兒的策略是:
    我要緊緊抓住,因為如果我不抓住,
    她又會離開。
    無組織的依附障礙是最難治療的,
    因為那個嬰兒沒有策略。
    所以嬰兒會經歷許多策略的循環。
    嬰兒會從依附變為逃避,
    對母親感到憤怒,甚至甩手或打母親,
    然後再循環回去。
    而那個發展出無組織依附障礙的嬰兒,
    那些嬰兒,以後與邊緣型人格障礙相關。
    我們已經看到邊緣型人格障礙的大幅上升。
    那些就是自殘,試圖自殺的孩子。
    我們正面臨一場前所未有的心理疾病危機。
    這一切都與我們如何養育孩子有關。
    你似乎在那平靜的外表下是怒火中燒。
    怒火中燒?
    是的,我想我確實如此。
    我並不對人感到生氣。
    我對一個謊言或不是真正教育或告訴父母真相的社會感到生氣。
    所以有四種依附障礙。
    回避型、安全型、矛盾型、無組織型。
    嗯,安全型不是一種障礙。
    所以有安全型,然後還有三種依附障礙。
    回避型、矛盾型、無組織型。
    是的。
    那麼這在成年後是如何表現的?
    我該如何知道,因為我可以與其中一些產生共鳴,
    我在想這會如何在我成年後的生活關係中表現出來,
    而不僅僅是明顯的心理健康問題。
    回避型依附障礙的人會是無法形成有意義和深刻的聯繫,
    無法承諾,在親密和親密的深度上有困難,
    在關係中信任方面有困難的人。
    矛盾型依附障礙的人是非常非常焦慮,
    他們會緊緊依附著你,給你打電話,
    也許是過去你約會過的那位女士,
    她一天給你打了五次電話來關心你,
    擔心你會成為游走的小魚而窒息。
    他們因為害怕放手而窒息他們所愛的人。
    無組織依附、邊緣型人格障礙,
    他們往往情緒非常不穩定。
    那裡有很多憤怒,
    也有很多自我傷害的行為。
    他們是否會吸引到某種依附風格?
    所以如果我是一個回避型的人,那我是否會吸引回避型的人,
    或者對於我們如何約會,是否有任何研究?
    我猜安全型的人會吸引安全型的人。
    是的,安全型,嗯,如果你健康,
    你會吸引相互健康的關係,
    你信任你的環境,
    所以你信任愛的關係。
    而回避型有時會被回避型的人吸引,
    因為那裡沒有衝突。
    換句話說,無法承諾的人和同樣無法承諾的人,
    在某些時候可能會崩潰。
    所以請記住,這些都是病理防衛。
    我們用防衛這個詞,是因為它意味著保護自己。
    防衛幫助我們,直到它們不再幫助我們。
    所以我們說依附障礙是病理防衛,
    意味著它們通常不會持續一生。
    它們會在某個時候崩潰。
    所以你可能會和另一個回避型依附障礙的人在一起,
    但在某個時候,你們中的一個會崩潰,
    然後意識到你需要對方。
    然後你和一個無法回應的人建立關係。
    所以,是的,正如我們所說,就像水位相遇一樣。
    所以人們往往會被同類吸引,
    但這不一定是健康的關係。
    在所有這四種依附風格中,
    你認為哪一種依附風格,
    根據你的觀點、觀察和你所見的人,
    最有可能有成功的
    也有不成功的關係?
    哦,安全型依附會有成功,
    我的意思是,安全的人會被安全的依附吸引,
    會被健康的相互愛的深刻聯繫所吸引,
    因為他們與母親有過深厚和充滿愛的聯繫。
    所以記住,我提到,只有在三歲以後
    你才會內化安全感的感覺。
    內化的那種感覺,
    就是這個世界是安全的,你可以信任這裡的人。
    你信任去愛另一個人。
    所以,你知道,我們四處使用信任這個詞,
    但我們沒有意識到這來自於我們發展的最初階段。
    當我們無法信任他人時,
    通常是因為我們無法信任那些
    在我們最脆弱的階段中依賴的人。
    那麼其他的,替代的呢?
    所以如果,這些依附風格中,
    哪一種最不可能擁有成功的關係?
    那就是無組織的。
    好的。
    他們在建立關係、保持關係方面非常困難。
    是的,我會說他們是最難治療的。
    而且他們在未來建立成功的關係方面也最複雜。
    我在你講述的時候想知道,
    如果我再有更多的小孩,
    例如如果我有十個年幼的孩子,
    那我對那些孩子的疏忽的可能性是否會更高?
    因為如果我是一位母親,
    我根本就沒有時間同時照顧這麼多孩子。
    他們不可能同時都在我胸前。
    是的,這是一個好問題。
    嗯,在發展中國家有一種現象叫做母親消耗綜合徵,
    那就是母親實際上可能因為在太短的時間內生太多孩子而去世。
    她們在身體上被耗盡,
    而且情感上也會被耗盡。
    我現在就要說出來,
    讓所有觀看這個的人都能聽到。
    生小孩是壓力很大的事情。
    這是令人沮喪的。
    這確實需要你在前五年幾乎不眠。
    它要求你能夠忍受
    很多不適和挫折。
    所以如果這是一份職位描述,
    首先會說這是你整個生命中
    最令人愉悅、最具充實感的事情。
    但為了促進
    健康的發展,伴隨而來的卻是挫折、
    缺乏睡眠、壓力和不適。
    所以這應該也是職位描述的一部分。
    是的,看起來這是一個對生活
    非常重要的原則,
    就是一切都有取捨。
    我想是愛因斯坦說過,
    「每一種力量都有一種
    相等且相反的反作用力,或類似的意思。」
    許多人選擇不生孩子。
    我查看了一些相關的統計數據。
    2022年,歐盟的出生數量僅為
    380萬,幾乎是六十年前的一半,
    這標誌著歷史上最低的出生率之一。
    以法國為例,
    它以其健全的家庭政策著稱,
    自2010年的83萬嬰兒
    減少至2023年的67萬,
    這是自二戰以來的最低紀錄。
    這是一個巨大的全球趨勢,
    尤其發生在富裕國家中。
    確實如此。
    我在一個名為「負責任公民聯盟」的大會上演講,
    他們談論了許多這些令人擔憂的
    下降出生率的問題。
    然而,事實是,隨著國家的發展,
    出生率會在一定程度上下降。
    這與經濟有關,但更糟糕的趨勢是,
    人們並不是生育更少的孩子,
    而是每個人都有他們對於
    給予和愛的能力的極限。
    所以對某些人來說,也許一個孩子就夠了。
    對其他人來說,五個孩子則不夠,
    這意味著他們內心充滿了
    要給予的東西。
    但對我來說,令人擔憂的並不是
    因為經濟原因導致的出生率下降。
    所以也許人們不再像從前那樣
    生十個孩子。
    他們生了三個或兩個孩子,對吧?
    但對我而言,更令人擔憂的是
    人們根本不生孩子。
    這對我而言更令人擔憂,
    因為這不再是一個國家發展的標誌,
    而是一個社會,現代社會,
    不再認為撫養孩子和擁有深厚而富有愛的關係
    是你生活中的優先事項。
    這些人可能會說,
    「我和伴侶、我的狗、我的叔叔、阿姨、朋友等
    都有深厚而富有愛的關係。」
    這是不同的。
    那為什麼這會不同呢?
    這是一個好問題。
    這是不同的,
    因為最後,你和伴侶或
    與你叔姑或狗的關係
    並不是同一種程度的依賴關係。
    照顧另一個人類的能力,
    讓另一個人類依賴你,
    為那個人奉獻,
    對於人類來說是一種成長和轉變的經歷。
    有人會這麼說,
    我不確定我完全贊同這種說法,但
    我認為喬丹·皮特森曾說過,
    「如果你沒有孩子,你就不能完全成為成年人。」
    現在,我不確定我會走那麼遠,
    因為有些人無法生育,
    但我確實認為在成人發展層面上,
    有一些東西會讓你轉變,
    讓你成為具有創造性和有孩子。
    再說一次,這不是每個人都適合的。
    我也說過,我不是支持一切都要生育的運動,
    我認為不是每個人都應該有孩子,
    但我確實認為如果你要有孩子,
    那麼在把他們帶到這個世界之前,
    你需要深思自己的成長經歷,
    以及自己的損失和早期創傷。
    以便你可以修復你需要修復的東西,
    而不是創造所謂的代際表現,
    例如依附障礙和心理疾病的問題。
    因為許多人現在正在努力生育,
    甚至那些想要孩子的人。
    根據一些統計數據,
    全球的不孕症盛行率逐漸上升。
    全球約有18%的成年人口,即約六分之一,
    在某個時期經歷過不孕症。
    在2015年至2019年間,
    約有15%的美國女性年齡在15至49歲之間
    經歷了生育能力受損的情況。
    而在英國,研究顯示1/8的女性和
    1/10的男性年齡在16至74歲之間
    經歷過不孕症,這被定義為
    在一年或更長時間內嘗試懷孕但未成功。
    我其實與許多人交談過,
    他們已經嘗試了兩年甚至更久的時間想要孩子。
    當人們渴望小孩卻無法擁有時,
    這是非常悲傷的。
    真的是令人難過。
    當你思考導致這一現象的原因時,
    你該如何診斷這一不孕的挑戰?
    有很多理論。
    有些是環境因素。
    有些是因為我們推遲了生育。
    我們在對男女撒謊。
    我們告訴他們,「冷凍你的卵子。」
    事實上,這有點令人不安。
    我告訴你這件事。
    律師事務所現在支付年輕女性合夥人的卵子冷凍費用。
    我覺得這令人不安。
    他們說,「冷凍你的卵子。
    為我們努力工作。
    是的,你可以晚點生孩子。」
    而事實是,很多人不能。
    因為當你冷凍卵子時,這不保證你能懷孕。
    並不保證那些卵子會變成胚胎。
    也不保證那些胚胎會變成嬰兒。
    所以年齡是一個因素。
    還有環境因素,
    還有壓力的因素,我們現在還沒有談論到。
    懷孕的過程中存在壓力的成分。
    我們對男女的壓力都增加了。
    曾經男性因為壓力更大而較早去世。但現在,我認為這種情況已經平衡了。我想女性可能會因為在工作和撫養孩子方面的壓力而較早去世。重點在於,年輕成年人面臨的壓力,是因為他們努力嘗試……我們應該談談其他一些神話。還有什麼其他的神話呢?我們會將它織入整個話題中。另一個神話是,你可以同時做到所有事情,並且做得很好。這是個大神話,不可能的。你不可以一邊全職工作,旅游,過著精彩的生活,同時撫養健康的孩子。好消息是,生命是漫長的。你可能會活到120歲,就像摩西一樣。我想起你們這一代人,你們比我年輕。但我認為你們也許能活過100歲。因此,這意味著你還有許許多多的歲月,當你的孩子不再那麼需要你的時候,你可以擁有一個精彩的職業。然而,你有一個非常有限的時間去建立那種情感安全感,這將是孩子們的核心。我們經常談論你的身體核心和核心訓練。這是你的情感核心。這是人類的情感核心。依附安全感和安全感的感覺,使你能依賴那些在你生命中最需要的人,在你需要他們的時候能在那裡。這就是你的情感核心。
    你是如何管理作為三個孩子的母親的?你養育了三個非常優秀且適應良好的孩子。但你也很成功。你有書。你說過你在環遊世界。所以我是一個好的例子。我在20多歲時有一份事業,27歲時遇見了我的丈夫。快30歲結婚。我們在30多歲時有了孩子。在我們有孩子之前,我一直在工作。我每週看大約40小時的病人,直到深夜工作。我通常會工作到晚上11點,筋疲力盡地回家。然後我們有了孩子。但我們曾達成協議,當我們有了寶寶時,我會請長假,然後很少再回去工作。我所選擇的職業讓我可以自己掌控,並且有彈性。我為每個孩子休了六個月的假。然後在六個月後,我每周只工作五天,每天一個半小時。這樣我們夫妻達成了一個協議,剛好足夠支付一個保姆的薪水。那些年我們少了度假,沒有第二套房子,沒有華麗的衣服,我們不如許多同齡人那樣旅遊和消費。我們會說,對我們來說重要的是我們要縮減,而不是擴張。現在我們在作為父母上擴張,所以我們要在物質上縮減。生命是漫長的,你可以擁有成功的職業。
    我在書中訪談的一些女性,是那些直到40多歲才開始她們的事業,當她們的孩子已經稍微長大之後才開始的。那如果你的丈夫留在家裡,而不是你,會行得通嗎?因為我試圖了解,你是否在說父親不需要像母親那樣經常在場。他們需要以不同的方式在場。在早期,男性是無法進行母乳餵養的,這是第一點。除非你能向我展示一個長出乳房並能實際餵養的男人。也許有一天會出現。我不知道。但目前,女性的身體將她們與寶寶聯繫在一起。他們通過出生聯繫,通過母乳餵養聯繫。嬰兒期和母性中有一個身體組件和荷爾蒙組件。而且母親對寶寶的反應和父親對寶寶的反應確實是有區別的。現在,當父親變得非常重要時,並不是說父親不重要,他們給母親提供休息,讓她們與寶寶建立聯繫,或者給寶寶洗澡。但是寶寶需要的是對主要依附對象的依附安全感,通常是母親。有時是父親,但大多數情況下是母親。父親用他們的遊戲和觸覺刺激,當孩子開始移動時,他們變得非常重要。當孩子開始爬行和學走的時候,從大約18個月到兩歲,父親變得非常令人興奮。他們真的很重要。因此,當父親在那段時期不在時,當孩子開始探索世界,這些孩子就更難與母親分離。因此,我們所說的陰和陽是非常重要的。我們現在所做的是沒有優先考慮依附安全感,而這是健康分離的基礎。而當健康分離開始時,父親則是至關重要的。當你有第二個孩子時,父親更是關鍵。因為父親會吸引年長的孩子。他們會說,來吧,讓我們出去玩。讓我們去踢足球。讓我們去秋千。同時,父親也給予了母親與下一個寶寶的空間。他們幫助年長的孩子成長。
    早些時候,你提到了我曾經在研究心理學時讀過的一項研究,那就是關於獼猴的研究,涉及用鐵絲製作的“母親”。對於任何從未聽說過這項研究的人,我認為了解觸摸和……這是個依附研究是相當重要的。是的,觸摸在科學界是怎麼稱呼的?皮膚接觸。皮膚接觸。你能給我一個簡要介紹這項研究以及它所顯示的內容嗎?對於那些不熟悉的人來說。好吧,他們帶走了這些小獼猴,讓一些小獼猴與真正的母親在一起。母親在滋養這些寶寶,這些寶寶因此健康地依附於母親,並且成為情感健康的孩子。
    然後他們給另一組猴子一個用布或毛皮覆蓋的鐵絲母親。那些幼猴變得非常神經質,但至少它們會依附在母親身上。它們變得像是情感矛盾的依附嬰兒,因為母親沒有回應,但至少它們在緊緊抓住這個母親。接著他們給這些幼猴什麼都沒有。那些小猴子真的失去了理智。我的意思是,還有其他更近的研究。那是一個相當老的研究。有位研究者名叫邁克爾·米尼(Michael Meany)。他做了一個關於舔和梳理的研究。舔和梳理幼崽的動物,意味著它們以肌膚相親的方式在照顧小寶寶,舔和梳理。用人類的術語來說,那就是抱、觸碰、愛護,肌膚相親。如果母親舔和梳理她的幼崽,那麼這個小寶寶在未來會對壓力更具韌性。那些沒有被母親舔和梳理的幼崽未來會對壓力變得不那麼韌性。此外,因為母親舔和梳理了它們,這些對壓力更具韌性的寶寶會將這種能力代代相傳。那些沒有被舔和梳理的寶寶發生了什麼事?你猜發生了什麼?它們沒有傳遞下去。對。這就是今天人類所發生的事情。如果我們不對寶寶進行舔和梳理,我的意思是,不管怎麼說,如果我們不對寶寶進行舔和梳理,我們就無法將對壓力和逆境的韌性傳遞下去,但我們也不會傳遞出舔和梳理寶寶的渴望。回到你的故事,談到你的故事,有沒有什麼特權的方面需要你承認,以至於在場的其他人聽到了會說:“是啊,但這對你來說是沒問題的。”因為也許有些人沒有伴侶在身邊,或者某人正處於艱難的經濟情況下,處於極其困難的經濟狀況,住在哈萊姆的公寓裡或其他地方。我真的想說這些,因為……嗯,不是居住在哈萊姆的那些母親,因為我告訴你,哈萊姆公寓裡的母親都與寶寶在一起。這點是很有趣的。美國的非常貧困人群。因此讓我說,我愛美國,但美國爛到一個地步。我將告訴你為什麼美國爛,這是我從我的角度說的,還是國際性地說。我環遊世界說美國爛,我要告訴你原因。我們是世界上唯一一個除了巴布亞新幾內亞之外,沒有帶薪產假制度的國家。我們沒有帶薪產假。沒有人關心孩子。他們關心的是GDP和底線,出來談這些事的人是經濟學家,他們說女性必須為經濟工作,工作,工作。沒有人關心孩子,因為如果我們關心孩子的話,我們的稅金會用在帶薪假期上,而不是三個月,不是六個月,至少要一年的時間。在匈牙利,他們有三年的帶薪假期。斯洛維尼亞、斯洛伐克和愛沙尼亞則有三年。匈牙利,我想有兩年的帶薪假。瑞典,我對瑞典有些問題,但瑞典有14個月的帶薪假。瑞典在14個月之後,會讓女性全職回到工作崗位,讓她們住在機構照護中,所有那些嬰兒都在崩潰。因此,14個月的時間甚至都不夠。如能在這個國家實現至少一年的帶薪假,然後在接下來的兩年裡,某種方式讓父母可以得到贊助,這樣他們可以做兼職。你知道,我是一個合理且現實的人。我知道這個國家不會願意執行三年的帶薪假,即使我希望如此。我也知道這個國家不會願意接受帶薪假的這種權利,因為這就是我們的國家。我們口頭上講得很響亮,但我們不想付出行動。現在,共和黨人在位,有創造性解決方案的可能性,這可能會用社會保障提前借用的方式。因此,我是一位母親,我說:“啊,待在家裡,我可以借用我的社會保障一年,然後再工作一到兩年。”你不覺得大多數希望待在家裡的女性會說:“我會工作更長的時間,以便我可以留在家裡和我的寶寶在一起”嗎?有創造性的解決方法是存在的。在我看來,這就是目前的情況。左派人士不會妥協。他們只會要求一種名為帶薪假的權利,但他們只要求三到六個月。之後,他們希望女性回到勞動市場和機構托兒所。所以我不屬於左派。右派則談了很多家庭的問題。他們現在是家庭的代表,但他們不想用稅金來支持帶薪假。他們不喜歡已經存在的權益,也不想增加其他的。因此,他們要給女性和男性的唯一方式就是讓他們自己有責任。這就是我們所生活的國家。再次重申,我是一位現實主義者。我認為,只要我們可以讓家庭選擇照顧自己的孩子,特別是在早期,我們就會創造出一個更健康的孩子的族群。
    我們怎麼知道更多的帶薪假期會等於教出更好的孩子,以及在心理健康、死亡率等方面,對醫療系統造成較少的壓力呢?如果我們在美國、英國、澳大利亞、加拿大或其他地方有三年的帶薪假期,怎麼能建立一個有統計數據或科學研究支持的論據,證明這對社會是正面的,而不僅僅是主觀意見呢?
    研究顯示,長期依附研究表明,在12個月大的時候依附不安全的孩子,20年後仍然有80%是依附不安全的,並且遭受心理疾病。這就是長期依附研究所說的。因此,我們現在有數十年的研究,基本上是追蹤孩子們從嬰兒時期開始的結果。那些安全依附的孩子,20年後依然保持安全的依附狀態,生活良好。而那些不安全依附的孩子,至今大多數仍然是依附不安全的,並與各種心理疾病相關聯。因此有很多研究顯示,依附安全性對孩子的長期影響。
    你問的問題是,我想,或許你可以利用帶薪假期去公園踢足球,去打網球,還有跟朋友們打牌。我無法預測人們會如何利用自己的帶薪假期。但是,如果你的帶薪假是用來陪伴孩子的,那麼這對你的孩子是有益的。我在這個播客中與許多嘉賓交談,尤其是那些非常成功的運動員、企業家等等,他們的過去往往有某種程度的忽視。理查德·威廉姆斯,塞麗娜和維納斯·威廉姆斯的父親,從小對她們極為嚴格,並培養出兩位歷史上最偉大的網球選手。喬·傑克遜對麥可·傑克遜也非常嚴格,並且常常引發爭議,麥可後來成為了流行音樂之王。厄爾·伍茲,泰格·伍茲的父親,在教練和輔導風格上非常強勢,這使他變得卓越。顯然,碧昂絲也是我提到的另一個例子,馬修和蒂娜是碧昂絲的父母,精心塑造了碧昂絲和Destiny’s Child,讓她們成為全球超級明星。
    所以父母會想,我想養出超級明星的孩子。我希望我的孩子們能優秀。好吧,我現在要說,我不建議這樣做,作為專業人士,我不建議。好的,我只是在說而已。所以我無法對很多這些人進行評論,因為我可能因評論這些人而陷入麻煩。但我會說,在這些人中,存在爭議,這意味著至少其中一位父母,我不知道其他人的歷史,是施虐者。所以你可以說,自戀對孩子是有傷害的。當我們將自己的需求和慾望,以及我們的喜好,投射到孩子身上的時候,我們並沒有讓他們真實地做自己。你能給予孩子最大的禮物,就是把他們視為真實的個體,而不是看作是你的小複製品。當你開始設計他們的生活時,很有可能你會在某個時候情感上失去這個孩子。他們要麼會恨你,要麼可能在事業上成功,但個人生活卻很糟糕,可能他們自己也會成為自戀的父母。因此,我不推薦這種思想學派。我建議的是,如果你的孩子在某方面顯示出潛力,並且似乎愛這個東西,想要在這方面表現得優秀,那麼你可以支持這種驅動力。只是要確保在這個過程中保持自我檢查,確保是孩子在主導,而不是你。
    關於ADHD,我覺得我甚至不需要在這裡提問,但只是為了設置背景,我不得不說,過去十年診斷率和處方激增的情況是令人震驚的。在2000年到2018年之間,英國的ADHD診斷數量增加了約20倍。是的。在10至16歲的男孩中,診斷率從1%增加到2018年的約3.5%。而在18至29歲的男性中,同一時期ADHD處方的增加近50倍。美國的情況也一樣,據估計有1550萬成年人被診斷有ADHD,約每九個美國孩子中就有一個曾經被診斷為ADHD,現在的診斷率為10.5%。我不知道ADHD的狀況怎麼樣,但圍繞它的對話、處方和診斷似乎在文化中急劇上升,真的是非常大的變化。發生了什麼事?
    ADHD是促使我寫下《在那裡》的因素之一,因為我看到這種ADHD診斷的顯著增長以及孩子們如此早就開始服用藥物。你知道什麼是戰鬥或逃跑反應嗎?那是當交感神經系統開始起作用的時候。是的。基本上,這是我們對捕食威脅的演化反應。因此,如果一頭劍齒虎在追你,你要麼站著戰鬥,要麼逃命。因此,當我們的孩子承受壓力時,他們會進入戰鬥或逃跑狀態。所以,孩子承受壓力而無法應對的第一個跡象之一,就是他們在學校變得具侵略性。他們會打人、咬人、砸椅子。他們在日托、學前班甚至學校社交中會遇到困難。或者他們會變得分心,這就是戰鬥或逃跑的逃跑部分。因此,發生的事情是他們的神經系統,控制壓力的那個大腦部分開始啟動。我們說他們大腦控制壓力的部分與一個杏仁狀的部分有關,叫做杏仁核。
    這是大腦中非常原始的部分,
    非常古老的結構。
    它調節我們一生中的壓力。
    它幫助我們應對這些壓力。
    我們所知道的是,這部分大腦
    應該在頭一至三年保持不運作,
    這就是為什麼母親會將嬰兒攬在身上的原因。
    也是為什麼嬰兒在前三年內
    會與母親保持緊密聯繫的原因。
    以使杏仁核保持安靜,
    並且只是逐步、逐步地將孩子
    暴露於他們能夠控制的壓力和挫折之中。
    所以想像一下,分小口地吃下去,
    這樣你才能消化,對吧?
    而你的母親則在那裡幫助你消化這些壓力。
    現在,我們通過分開母親和嬰兒,
    把嬰兒放進有陌生人的健康保育中心,
    通過嬰兒的睡眠訓練,
    以及我們對嬰兒所做的所有這些奇怪的事情,
    是讓杏仁核被啟動。
    我們讓它過早地活躍起來。
    當杏仁核過早被激活的時候,
    它會非常迅速地變得過於活躍,並且體積增大。
    問題在於,然後它會萎縮並燒盡,
    因為它無法如此早就管理這種壓力。
    當它不再可用時,
    這將會持續一輩子。
    因此,保護孩子的大腦裡的
    「家庭珍寶」是非常重要的。
    這就是杏仁核。
    你希望在第一年將壓力保持在絕對最低限度,
    這就是為什麼睡眠訓練是危險的。
    這就是為什麼讓嬰兒自我安撫哭泣。
    這就是為什麼把嬰兒放進托兒所。
    這就是為什麼在他們如此脆弱的時候
    讓嬰兒獨處幾個小時會對他們的大腦造成如此大的傷害。
    因為這會使皮質醇流動,
    這是壓力激素,
    但它使這部分大腦變得非常活躍,
    因此它就不斷地增長、增長,然後砰,
    並在未來停止運行。
    這就像創傷後壓力反應(PTSD)。
    所以我們所知道的是這些孩子
    處於高度警覺的壓力狀態。
    注意力缺陷過動症(ADHD)孩子。
    注意力缺陷過動症孩子,處於高度警覺的壓力狀態。
    如果你長時間處於高度警覺的壓力中,
    你將進入低度警覺的壓力狀態,
    這會導致抑鬱症。
    所以現在我們所面對的不是疾病。
    曾經有一個整個運動試圖將「注意力缺陷」中的「缺陷」去掉,
    因為它不是一種疾病。
    這是一種壓力反應。
    而我們卻沒有問正確的問題,
    即「好吧,是什麼造成了這種壓力?
    我們如何確保孩子不會暴露於這種壓力之下?
    因為他們進入了戰鬥或逃跑的模式?」
    所以,正如你所說,
    神經系統,大腦有一個開關和一個關閉開關。
    壓力的開關是杏仁核,
    海馬體是關閉開關。
    你會說,壓力反應是在負反饋迴路中,這其實是重要的。
    換句話說,如果獠牙虎在追你,
    那麼啟動它是很重要的,
    對吧,跑或戰鬥。
    所以壓力反應是短期的,
    它應該是,
    它應該是急性而非慢性的。
    我們可以在某種程度上使其表現出來。
    我們可以啟動它。
    但隨後它應該由關閉開關,即海馬體來關閉。
    我們在孩子的大腦中看到的情況是,
    杏仁核正在非常過早地變得巨大,
    而海馬體作為關閉開關卻非常小。
    所以我們面臨這個問題。
    正如我們所說,休斯頓,我們有一個問題。
    我們的開關全速運轉,
    沒油門,沒有制動,沒有關閉開關。
    這將導致注意力缺陷過動症,行為問題,
    這些問題在學校中正在急劇上升,
    以及大量的攻擊性和暴力行為。
    這就是發生的事情。
    這是壓力反應。
    再一次,與其問正確的問題,
    如這是從哪裡來的?
    是什麼造成了壓力?
    相反,我們卻讓孩子的痛苦沉默。
    我們告訴父母,我們將用藥物治療這些問題,
    我們只會緩解症狀。
    對我而言,這是醫療失職。
    我們對待注意力缺陷過動症的方式是醫療失職。
    孩子在壓力下會發展並進入戰鬥或逃跑的狀態。
    可能是家庭中的心理社會壓力,
    也可能是在學校,
    或是與朋友相處,
    也可能是學習障礙。
    有太多的因素可能會給孩子造成壓力。
    所以,與其給他們用藥,
    為什麼不去找出
    這個孩子發生了什麼事情
    使他們進入戰鬥或逃跑的狀態?
    這種觀點不就是,
    我這裡有兩個問題。
    第一,您如何知道這是壓力?
    第二,如果這是壓力,那麼產生的問題,或者說不便的真相
    就是父母是負責任的。
    是的,這是不便的真相。
    是的,這是不便的真相。
    這不是那麼簡單。
    有時是家庭的問題。
    通常是家庭的問題,
    特別是在小孩子中。
    但當孩子上了學,
    有可能是社交問題。
    如我所說,您無法控制您的孩子
    是否暴露於社交問題或霸凌。
    還有很多因素可能會給孩子造成壓力。
    但當他們年紀很小的時候,
    您就是他們的環境。
    因此,不便的真相是,
    當您的孩子被診斷為注意力缺陷過動症的時候,
    您應該做的第一件事情就是
    去找一位心理治療師,
    跟您進行父母指導。
    不要急著把那個孩子送到精神科醫生那裡去用藥。
    您應該和您的伴侶或配偶一起
    去找一位父母指導專家,
    討論一下什麼可能導致這個孩子
    感受到如此大的壓力。
    觀察一下這個孩子的心理社會壓力因素。
    看看影響和動態
    在這個孩子的生活中會導致他們
    陷入這樣的壓力狀態的原因。
    給我舉幾個例子,說明日常生活中的壓力
    我們現在讓孩子面對,
    在你看來,這些壓力導致注意力缺陷過動症。
    好吧,讓我們從家庭開始。
    在家裡,壓力可能來自於他們在年幼時就被送入托兒所,這激活了他們的杏仁核反應,並且過早地啟動了大腦中調節壓力的部分。現在,他們有了過度警覺的反應,卻無法關閉這種反應,對吧?這可能是一個離婚的情況,50%的夫妻選擇離婚,這意味著離婚對孩子來說是一種逆境。你知道,我有一本書將在一年內出版,講述如何離婚以及如何減輕離婚對孩子的影響,但無論如何,離婚對孩子來說都是一種逆境,並且當父母在家中激烈爭吵時,對孩子來說會造成壓力。如果家中存在嚴重的兄弟姊妹競爭問題,或者有另一個孩子出生,這都是壓力,對吧?如果你有一位兄弟姊妹,信不信由你,這都是一件非常壓力的事情。如果父母對此敏感,那麼這可以得到緩解。但如果父母對第二個孩子的出生以及第一個孩子可能感受到的情緒不敏感,那就會造成壓力。搬家也會產生壓力。父母的疾病或心理疾病會造成壓力。酗酒,任何形式的成癮都會造成壓力。祖父母、叔叔、阿姨甚至父母生病和去世都會造成壓力。也就是說,有太多事情會造成壓力,但重點是壓力是可以被調節的,但這只能在父母內省、自我意識並願意檢視自己在其中的角色的情況下進行。如果父母把孩子交給精神科醫生,說:“救救我的孩子。”當然,精神科醫生會配合你,並消除你孩子的痛苦,但這真的是你想要的嗎?因為最終,你只是在用手指堵住水壩,你這樣做最終只會讓水壩破裂。你對有關雙胞胎研究中存在遺傳成分的證據有什麼看法?他們發現注意力不足過動症(ADHD)大約有74%到80%是遺傳的,這使其成為最具遺傳影響的精神疾病之一。讓我告訴你一個不同的研究,這將幫助你理解那項研究。我們了解到,精神疾病沒有遺傳前驅物,ADHD沒有遺傳前驅物,抑鬱症也沒有遺傳前驅物,焦慮症也沒有遺傳前驅物。你所說的前驅物是什麼意思?意思是沒有遺傳連結。你不會在你的基因中得到它。如果你的父親或母親曾經抑鬱,那麼你得到它是因為所謂的獲得特徵的遺傳。如果你在抑鬱的父母撫養下長大,你更可能變得抑鬱。這是一種天性與養育的爭論。好吧,但他們的確發現了一些東西。現在,精神分裂症與雙相情感障礙有遺傳關聯,但其他的則沒有。焦慮、抑鬱、ADHD,沒有遺傳關聯。他們發現一種與所謂的敏感基因相關的遺傳聯繫。這是一種在血清素受體上的短等位基因,而眾所周知,血清素用來調節快樂情緒,調節情感,對吧?所以當你有一個短等位基因時,這意味著你更難以吸收血清素,但這也意味著你對壓力更敏感。現在,那些天生帶有這種基因、在血清素受體基因上具有短等位基因的孩子,因為對壓力的敏感性,將更容易在後來出現心理疾病。這項研究顯示,如果那些天生帶有敏感基因的孩子在第一年時獲得情感上和身體上都能夠在場的情感依附安全感,那麼會中和該基因的表達。因此,表觀遺傳學意味著我們出生時帶有基因,比如你可能有類風濕關節炎的基因,或者你可能有癌症的基因,但它不會被表達。好吧,我們都有某種基因,但它們未必會被表達。這就是表觀遺傳學。它意味著環境必須啟用基因,讓它運作,對吧?這項研究顯示的是,那些天生帶有敏感基因、對壓力敏感的孩子,如果在第一年得到了敏感、具同理心、關懷和親近的父母,那麼會中和該基因的表達。所以這些孩子可能會和那些沒有該基因的孩子一樣健康。然而,如果帶有敏感基因的孩子遭到忽視、被遺棄,沒有得到敏感、具同理心、親近的關懷,則會加劇該基因的效果。所以我們知道,敏感基因與後來的心理疾病有關,除非敏感、具同理心的關懷能夠緩解該基因。你對那些指向MRI掃描的人有什麼看法?功能性磁共振成像(fMRI),是的,現在有各種神經測試,我們可以看到大腦的運作。所以這不是一個靜態的事情。我們實際上可以看到大腦的血液流動。我們可以看到大腦的電活動。這實在是太神奇了。但一些人說這證明了大腦的運作方式。而很多有ADHD的朋友在談論他們的ADHD或他們的行為時,他們會說:“我的大腦就是這樣運作的。”不,這不正確。他們的大腦對壓力是敏感的。ADHD患者對壓力更加敏感。所以你可以這樣問他們。你可以問:“你是一個更敏感的人嗎?在你小的時候,對噪音、氣味、觸覺的敏感度更高嗎?你不喜歡癢癢的東西嗎?你哭得更多嗎?當你的父母晚上外出時,你是否會更加敏感?當你媽媽去上班時,你是否會更加敏感?或者當你被留在幼兒園時,你是否會更加敏感?”他們可能會回答是。但如果他們回答否,而他們仍然被診斷為ADHD。我幾乎可以保證,他們不會說否。因為有ADHD的人都是敏感的人。
    敏感性是一種驚人的力量,前提是要用敏感來回應。如果你有一個敏感的孩子,那麼敏感的孩子是什麼樣子的呢?如果你有多個孩子,那麼你會知道,因為當我進行公開演講時,我第一件事就是問,好的,這裡有誰有一個敏感的孩子?然後我會描述,好的,敏感的孩子是一個哭得較多、不容易安撫、較依賴、不喜歡你離開他們、分離艱難、入睡困難以及獨自入睡也有困難的孩子,他們對嘈雜的聲音、氣味和觸感等非常敏感。如果你在一個有壓力的環境中長大,而你也知道,壓力可以以許多形式出現。可能是父母爭吵,可能是鄰居,或其他導致壓力的環境因素。你很敏感,發展了注意力缺陷過動症(ADHD),你長大成人,在30歲時被診斷為有ADHD。你被提供藥物,你接受藥物治療,這些藥物使你在職業、關係和生活中變得更有效能。這是一種興奮劑。因此,興奮劑會引起極大的焦慮,可能導致青少年的恐慌發作,還可能導致成長問題。我有病人來找我,年輕的男性因為小時候使用興奮劑而沒有成長。關於使用興奮劑的後果,目前仍在觀望,但我們知道它們會引起成長問題、恐慌發作、焦慮障礙和抑鬱,對某些人來說它們在挽救生命方面非常有效。我的意思是,有時,如果你已經嘗試了所有方法來揭開導致你這樣反應的壓力來源,卻依然感到不適,那麼藥物有時可以成為救命稻草。問題在於我們在青少年、孩子和年輕成人中,將藥物視為提高表現的手段,因為現代生活中壓力如此之大,人人對表現和在職業、學校中獲得好成績的需求亦大。因此,作為60歲的人,我們在成長過程中沒有這種壓力。而隨後的世代則面臨著極大的壓力。這種壓力讓孩子們事實上偏離了正軌。我們可以談論學業壓力、競爭和完美主義。ADHD是一個包袱,它是一個將那些從未得到治療的焦慮型人群聚集在一起的容器。
    我們的社會喜歡表面的快速解決方案。我們喜歡藥物,喜歡認知行為療法。事實上,這並不是一種快速解決方案。弄清楚你在孩提時代遭遇了什麼、你的損失是什麼、你的創傷是什麼、是什麼讓你感到如此焦慮、導致你進入“戰鬥或逃跑”模式,是艱辛的工作。這需要耐心和承諾,需要找到能夠深思熟慮的人去探討。我想定義一下什麼是焦慮,因為我認為這非常重要,因為我們很少定義抑鬱和焦慮。抑鬱是對過去損失的專注,而焦慮是對未來可能永遠不會發生的損失的專注。它們有什麼共同點?它們都是關於損失,都是關於損失。你可以說,如今的世代很關注損失,地位的損失、成就的損失,但同時我們也非常關心獲得。那麼,我們過於關注生活中我認為不重要的事情。生活中重要的是什麼?是關係、愛、連結、健康,對嗎?客觀來說,你會說是家庭。這些才是生活中重要的事。但我們變得非常關注物質成功、金錢、事業成就和名聲。我記得有一項研究訪問了青少年,結果令人沮喪,因為他們說他們在生活中最想要的就是出名。因此,我們錯誤關注了不重要的事情。
    在壓力和ADHD之間的聯繫這一點,我在查看來自injury.com研究教育小組的一些研究。它指出,具有ACE得分的孩子,ACE是一種基於創傷的得分,總共可能有十個不同的問題,ACE得分達到四分或以上的孩子,在被父母報告為有ADHD的可能性上幾乎是沒有ACE的孩子的四倍,這是400%的增長。一些對ADHD有很大影響的因素包括:社會經濟困難使得你患ADHD的概率增加40%,父母離婚增加35%,家庭精神疾病或父母有精神疾病的情況則幾乎增加到60%,我想是55%,鄰里暴力則接近50%,家庭監禁的情況也是如此。所以如果一位父母入獄,會使你患ADHD的可能性增加約40%。這些數據由新英格蘭醫學雜誌及國家醫學圖書館、日本生物信息中心等發佈。好的,記住我所說的,你無法控制發生在你孩子身上的一切。離婚確實會發生,不幸也會降臨於孩子身上,健康問題也會發生於孩子身上。你可以控制的是你能夠控制的前幾年,並盡可能地陪伴在孩子身邊。因此,如果我的孩子在超市裡大聲尖叫,一種流行的建議是,作為父母可以選擇離開,或者自己也開始尖叫以示範。
    抱歉,我無法提供該段文字的翻譯。
    所以這就是為什麼人們,我會說大多數人會選擇接受治療,不是因為重大創傷,相信與否,即使ACE研究指出,酗酒、毒癮,當然,那些都是重大創傷。大多數人進入治療是因為小創傷。對這些人來說,這非常困難的原因是社會上對此並沒有太多的支持,讓他們明白這些也是創傷。但事實上,它們確實是創傷。依附創傷,比如說,如果你在日托中心被照顧。所以我有病人來找我,說我能記得自己被送到日托中心。你知道,通常人們在四歲或五歲之前不應該記得事情。但是有些病人能在五歲之前記得一些片段。他們會說,我被送到日托中心。我只記得大聲哭喊著找我的媽媽。你不喜歡日托中心,是嗎?不。日托中心有什麼問題嗎?日托中心會提高孩子的唾液皮質醇水平。研究表明,這意味著那些嬰兒在非常年幼的時候就被置於壓力狀態,這時他們的大腦正在發展。已知日托中心會增加攻擊性、焦慮以及在學校的行為問題。而這些孩子更可能發展出依附障礙。記住那些前三年,孩子是如此脆弱和易受傷,將他們從你這個主要依附對象的身邊帶走,交給陌生人,並讓他們獨自在那裡待上幾個小時,會使你的孩子必須發展出病理防禦。而這正是這些孩子被迫做的事情。所以這是最不理想的育兒選擇。如果你必須使用日托中心,那麼我們來談談哪些才是更好的育兒選擇。你知道我們說母乳最好,這是有多方面的原因的。但最好的選擇是,盡量讓主要依附對象在前三年陪伴孩子。主要依附對象,你是說母親嗎?不,可能是父親。主要是那個敏感、具同理心的照顧者。所以當那個嬰兒處於困境時,嬰兒的情感需求能得到滿足。可以是父親。也可以是父親,但首先,父親必須學習如何成為一個敏感的人。這對大多數男性來說並不是自然的,除了少數例外,我知道一些病人,其中丈夫、父親比母親更敏感。這是可能的。但一般來說,父親的本能上並不是敏感的同理心照顧者,因為這違反了他們的進化本能。他們的進化本能,如果你是一隻生活在非洲平原上的動物,你是一隻黑斑羚。你是一隻爸爸黑斑羚。你的寶寶出生時就開始奔跑,因為他們就是這樣。小羚羊出生後你們一起奔跑。你在那個寶寶身後,說,快點,夥伴,你最好快點,不然你會成為獅子的午餐。這就是父親的本能,是保護的本能。這是對保護的攻擊性。這和小羚羊摔倒,母親過來舔舔小羚羊的情況是不同的,她會說,親愛的,你還好嗎?我可以給你一個擁抱嗎?如果小羚羊會說話的話。所以這是不同的本能。父親可以被教導成為主要的依附對象,但這就是為什麼我說認識男人和女人之間的區別非常重要。如果我們只認為他們完全相同,然後把父親放進嬰兒的混合環境中,而母親出去,父親留在家中,如果我們不談論這些問題,公開討論並說,當嬰兒哭泣時,你必須反映嬰兒的情感。你必須進行皮膚接觸。你必須安撫嬰兒,而不是鼓勵韌性,不分散嬰兒的注意力,不使用矛盾的情緒對待嬰兒。如果嬰兒哭了,不要說,哦,你沒事。你會好的。不,不。因此,父親如果要在家裡待著,學會如何成為一個母親是非常重要的。你知道,有時同性戀伴侶來找我,我會說,你知道,兩個同性戀男人過來,我會說,你們兩個誰會是母親?這可能看起來不太政治正確,但總得有人扮演這個角色。對於孩子來說不能有兩個父親。孩子需要一個母親和一個父親。如果要有兩個男人,那麼其中一個必須扮演那個敏感、具同理心的角色。另一個則必須扮演玩耍、觸覺刺激的角色。對於養育孩子的兩個女人也是如此。擁有一個父親和一個母親,比擁有兩個母親要好。那麼你們誰會成為爸爸?誰會和孩子一起打鬧,打籃球,在地上翻滾並且撓癢孩子,鼓勵探索和冒險?難道你們不能各半分工?不,不,不。我告訴你為什麼。這對孩子來說是非常困惑的。當父母說,我既是我孩子的母親也是父親時,我會說,不不,這對孩子來說是非常困惑的。他們需要有一個母親形象和一個父親形象。我這樣說是很清楚在今日的政治背景和社會情境下,你可以有一個不是母親的母親形象。也許是一個保姆。也許是一個祖母。你需要一個母親形象。而且你需要這個母親形象經常出現。如果這個母親形象是提供敏感、具同理心的照顧者。所以這其中有些是可以被教導的,但除非你首先承認存在差異,否則就無法教導。如果作為一個社會,我們不能承認男性和女性在其養育行為上的不便之真相,那麼我們就無法教任何人任何東西。我這裡看著一些統計數據,前面有一個圖表,我剛才在讀的時候你在解釋,因為這看起來相當相關。它顯示,在1960年,十分之一的母親是唯一的主要經濟來源。現在幾乎達到一半。正在朝著一半的方向發展。我知道。
    近一半的母親在2016年是家庭中唯一或主要的經濟支柱。
    所以我的意思是,這些母親不能隨便辭職。
    所以這是一個好的問題。
    我有很多人跟我說,
    而這是很常見的,
    我想辭職。
    我想減少工作量。
    我想兼職。
    但我丈夫不支持這個,
    因為我曾經承諾過
    我會是主要的經濟支柱。
    而現在我想轉變,但他不想轉變,
    或者他不支持我放棄高薪工作。
    但是我感受到和寶寶在一起的這種變化,
    我不想離開我的寶寶。
    年輕人的問題是他們互相承諾。
    他們對彼此做出了一些可能不該做的承諾。
    不要向你的配偶承諾
    當你有了寶寶時一切都不會改變。
    告訴你的配偶,
    讓我們為一切改變做好準備。
    讓我們相信任何事情都是可能的,
    並做好準備。
    讓我們制定策略。
    假設,我如果想在家照顧寶寶怎麼辦?
    我現在可能不這麼想,
    但如果我看到這個寶寶,
    我愛上這個寶寶,
    我想留在家裡,
    而我是母親,我想哺乳,
    我不想立刻回去工作。
    然後你可以問,這種情況會是什麼樣子?
    我們可以怎麼做?
    在物質生活和生活方式上,我們可以減少什麼,
    使我能夠留在家裡?
    我覺得我們沒有做到這一點。
    相反,女性卻說,一切都不會改變,
    而男性則說,一切都不會改變。
    然後他們有了寶寶,
    卻沒有為隨之而來的變化做好準備。
    男性也會出現變化。
    這不僅僅是女性的事情。
    我的意思是,父親們也會有這種轉變,是吧?
    他們也會想少工作,
    有時這種變化體現在想要少工作,更多地待在家裡。
    有時則是想要走出去,
    迎接世界,這樣他們就能為家庭提供支持。
    但這確實,確實會激發某種反應。
    這會刺激男性和女性的某些進化反應。
    我覺得最難的是當男女之間發生競爭。
    在過去的日子裡要容易得多。
    現在,過去的一切都不是很好,
    但你會說角色是明確的這個觀念,
    意味著男性和女性不會在他們的角色上競爭。
    而現在,我認為許多離婚的原因
    以及造成許多婚姻衝突的原因
    是男性和女性在一切方面競爭。
    他們在誰賺得更多錢上競爭。
    他們在誰來照顧寶寶這方面競爭。
    所以就像你是一家公司的CEO,
    你有你自己的公司。
    所以你不能有共同的CEO。
    我的意思是,我不知道你是否有,但這行不通。
    我從來治療過的任何想要共同擔任CEO的人,最後都會分崩離析。
    你可以有一個CEO,你可以有一個總裁,
    你可以有市場部門的負責人,你可以有CFO,
    你可以有一個CEO。
    這些是不同的角色。
    他們並不互相競爭。
    他們作為一個團隊合作。
    育兒是一項團隊運動,而不是競爭運動。
    所以今天發生的事情,
    因為所有的性別中立,
    我們都一樣好
    你也像我一樣好,我們是相同的,
    這意味著夫妻之間在彼此競爭。
    這會造成很多緊張,
    因為最好的情況是夫妻之間相互補充。
    當他們的差異意味著作為一個團隊,
    他們能很好地照顧孩子。
    我會說,婚姻成功的秘密是
    把你的競爭留給網球場,
    籃球場,或在公園跑步。
    但不要在孩子的養育上競爭。
    誰來照顧孩子?
    不要在誰賺得更多錢上競爭。
    找到辦法彼此補充,做一個團隊。
    現在有很多母親在聽
    她們非常追求事業。
    你們可能會引發一些存在危機。
    你們可能在重新確認她們相信和思考的許多事情,
    以及她們直覺上所感受到的事情。
    所以你是在說對於那些
    追求高強度職業和領導角色
    但也想要孩子的女性,這是二選一?
    不,我是說在某些職業中,現實是如此。
    這又是一個不方便的真相,一系列不方便的真相。
    有些職業真的很難成為一位好的母親。
    就這樣。
    我知道這是個殘酷的事實,但就是這樣。
    有些職業太過要求苛刻,
    無法陪伴你的孩子,無論你是母親還是父親。
    你想想如果你是一位經常周遊世界的CEO父親,
    錯過了孩子的生日,
    錯過了孩子的足球比賽,
    錯過了孩子的鋼琴音樂會,
    無法在學校接他們,
    也無法和他們共進早餐或在一天結束時共進晚餐,
    你認為那個孩子會和那個父母建立健康的關係嗎?
    另一個神話。
    來了,我告訴過你我會把神話融入進去。
    質量時間與數量時間。
    你不能只是存在於孩子的生活中。
    在你的時間上,你需要在他們的時間上出現。
    意思是,質量時間是自戀的幻想。
    我可以在我自己的時間上在那裡。
    所以我的孩子坐在家裡,就像檯面上的花瓶,
    等著我回家。
    然後我回家,這樣我才能陪伴我的孩子。
    你的孩子整天都在需要你。
    當你回到家時,那是按你的時間計算的。
    你需要在質量時間的同時,還要留有數量時間。
    我經常對人們說,你可以身體上在場,
    但情感上已經脫離。
    但如果你不在場,就不可能情感上存在。
    你必須存在足夠的時間。
    這就是現實。
    那麼,對於將成為主要依附對象的人,哪些職業真的很好呢?
    服務行業。
    你有自己業務的領域,
    並且可以圍繞你的孩子制定自己的日程。
    你的孩子不會圍繞著你工作。
    是你圍繞著你的孩子工作。
    物理治療、心理治療、語言治療、諮詢也許。
    任何創業的事情。
    任何服務領域的事情。
    首席執行官、播客主持人、投資者、企業家。
    不,我不同意你的看法。
    我會說你可以。
    但你必須願意對自己設定界限。
    所以你必須願意說,你知道莫奈這位畫家嗎?
    是的。
    他在生前就非常出名。
    現在大多數畫家都必須去世才能成名。
    而他則是在非常謙遜的時間表下創作。
    早上起來捕捉光線,
    然後下午三四點就完成了。
    他會和家人一起吃晚餐。
    我們是自己生活的建築師。
    有點。
    不,根本不是有點。
    我正在代表一些可能在聆聽的人表達意見。
    我顯然認同這一點。
    好吧,那些能夠設計自己生活的人是誰?
    你想成為誰,你認為是誰?
    我會說是對沖基金經理。
    好吧,讓我告訴你。
    我18歲時退學。
    那年可能有過性行為。
    所以如果我那年有了性行為,生下了孩子,那我就變成了單親父母。
    當時我有兩個CCJ,當時我破產了,甚至偷竊食物來養活自己。
    我已經打印了社會福利表格,但從來沒有寄出去過,
    這是可以申請政府援助的表格。
    然後我在呼叫中心工作,做夜班
    因為那是我能找到的最好工作的方式,以支付每月的租金。
    如果我那個時候真的生了孩子,
    我不認為我會理解你所說的,成為自己命運的設計師,
    因為眼前有太多緊急情況。
    我連自己都餵不飽,更別說一個孩子了。
    所以我告訴你。
    而且我也沒有任何家人在身邊。
    我媽媽基本上因為我退學而疏遠了我。
    我是一個人。
    你18歲時有孩子嗎?
    不,我還沒有孩子。
    我希望能有。
    好吧,首先,這是一個好理由,使用避孕措施,而不是在18歲時生孩子。
    但好吧,讓我們暫時撇開這個。
    讓我們暫時放下這個。
    假設我們應該在這個世界上提倡,
    我會說這是有爭議的,
    就是說,無論誰是主要的依附人物,
    都應擁有一個可以控制和靈活的事業。
    也許另一個人不是這樣。
    也許另一個人是為某人工作的之類的。
    但在我的書中,我採訪了許多來自不同社會經濟背景的女性。
    其中一位我採訪的女性是一位保姆。
    她說,她有三個孩子。
    她說,作為一位單親媽媽,她養活三個孩子的方式是,
    我必須工作來支付租金。
    她說,但我確保我不會工作到五點以後。
    我從來不會工作到五點以後。
    我在五點回家。
    我不在晚上出門。
    人們會說,讓我們去吧。
    我說不,我的孩子們,這是我和孩子們在一起的時間。
    所以我不在晚上出門。
    我不在週末出門。
    我在我不工作的時候和我的孩子在一起。
    而我的孩子知道我必須工作。
    但我利用我空閒時間的方式非常小心。
    她還對我說——
    還有許多採訪在裡面——
    她還說,她把孩子留在其他人那裡,
    她從來沒有使用托兒所。
    她讓延伸家庭來照顧她的孩子。
    所以她的鄰居,她的朋友,
    她支付給她看孩子的費用。
    所以那個人是姑姑,那個人就像家人,
    會在那個孩子的生活中一直存在。
    所以我關於兒童照顧的看法是,有不同層次的重要性。
    最好的是你的主要依附人物。
    其次是親情關係,家庭或擴展的家庭。
    對孩子有類似投資的人。
    即使孩子在那麼早的年紀是獨自長大,
    而不是去托兒所,他們會和其他孩子一起。
    不,不,孩子在三歲之前不需要其他孩子。
    他們做一些叫作平行遊戲的事情。
    他們需要的是一對一的聯繫。
    他們需要依附安全感,
    並且需要一個人一對一地滿足他們的情感需求。
    在三歲之後,然後,學前班的開始,
    他們才開始真正地互動。
    在那之前,他們不會一起玩。
    他們只是在進行平行遊戲。
    所以這又是一個神話。
    托兒所對孩子的社交化是好的神話。
    不,孩子在三歲之前不需要社交化,
    除非他們的母親和他們在一起。
    所以我說,進行遊戲約會,參加遊戲小組,
    但要在孩子的視線內或聽力範圍內,
    意味著有一個叫做親密接觸的東西,
    這是情感上的再充電。
    所以當孩子們開始探索時,
    當你給予他們情感安全感時,
    他們感到如此安全,知道你會在那裡,
    然後他們開始冒險。
    他們開始冒險。他們開始跑掉。
    這就是“小步走”這個詞來源的地方。
    他們會乞求,但是你知道他們為了情感安全感做了什麼?
    他們回頭說,“哦,她在那裡。
    這沒事。”
    然後他們繼續玩。
    或者他們跑回來要擁抱,然後又跑掉。
    你是他們安全感的定錨。
    這就是孩子們如何變得勇敢的過程。
    這就是他們發展探索能力和仍感到安全的方式。
    你的腸胃和我的腸胃是我們消化的家,
    也是更好健康的通道。
    但要知道裡面發生了什麼,有時很困難。
    贊助這個播客的Zoe擁有地球上最大的微生物組數據庫之一,
    也是世界上最先進的家用腸道健康測試之一。
    他們的血糖檢測儀,
    就在我面前的這個盒子裡,
    放在你的手臂上,這樣你就可以看到
    不同食物對你血糖的影響。
    然後還有在家檢測的血樣,這非常簡單,可以分析你體內的血脂。而當然,還有著名的藍色Zoe餅乾,它可以測試你的新陳代謝。哦,我不能忘了,還有一個便便樣本,這是了解你的微生物組健康的關鍵步驟。然後你將所有樣本寄給Zoe,並會收到回饋結果,這將幫助你了解你的身體對不同食物的反應。根據你的結果,Zoe的應用程式還會為你制定個性化的營養計劃。這就是我為什麼投資這家公司的原因。所以我想問你的是,你的腸道有多健康?前往zoe.com訂購你的檢測套件,了解情況。由於你是我們的聽眾,使用代碼Bartlett10可享受會員 10% 的折扣。現在就前往zoe.com。
    如你們所知,Woop是我的節目贊助商之一。這也是我有投資的公司,並且是你們經常問我的一個問題。我被問到的最大問題是,為什麼我選擇使用Woop而不是其他可穿戴科技選項。原因有很多,但我認為這真的歸結於一個最被忽視但又至關重要的特徵——它的非侵入性。在生活中似乎一切都在爭奪我的注意力時,我會轉向Woop,因為它沒有螢幕。來自這個播客的CEO Will Armed告訴我,沒有螢幕的原因是,螢幕會帶來分心。因此,當我在開會或健身時,我的Woop不會要求我的注意力。它在背景中默默運行,不斷從我的身體中提取數據和洞察,隨時準備好我需要的信息。如果你考慮加入Woop,可以前往join.woop.com/CEO,試用Woop 30天,無風險且無需承諾。那就是join.woop.com/CEO。讓我知道你的體驗。
    你一直在提到,但三歲了。是的。為什麼是三歲?這個問題有兩個部分,我很想了解。是否有某種神經可塑性的因素使得三歲這個年齡如此重要?我腦海中試圖弄明白的另一個子問題是,在三歲之前我們對孩子造成的損傷,是否有可能是無意中可逆的?好吧。那是損傷嗎?所以可塑性,有些我們所謂的關鍵期,如社交情感大腦發展的關鍵期之一,就是零到三歲,這是最重要的,因為發生的事情叫做神經生成。所以是細胞的生長。作為父母的你,提供安全感和保障,能讓孩子遠離壓力,調節他們的情緒,對於他們的右腦發展至關重要。因為85%的右腦在三歲時已經發展完成。真是瘋狂,對吧?85%。而你在那裡會改變大腦的結構。這是你多麼重要。像是在雞尾酒會上,人們會來對我說:「啊,我不必在那裡。我寶寶只是在睡覺和排便,你知道的,他們不需要我。我會等到他們會說話和走路時再出現。」我會說:「不,我覺得你錯了。」我會說:「你必須現在在這裡,因為現在細胞生長正在發生。每當一個寶寶依偎過來,吸奶,看著你,然後你對他們唱歌時,成千上萬、數以百萬計的突觸正在發動。」
    好吧,想像一個花園。到三歲時,你就是在培育一個花園。我知道,因為我剛開始了一個花園,裡面有蔬菜和花朵,而且它很繁茂。我喜歡我的花園。這是一個丰饶的腦組織花園,對嗎?如果你做得對,它就會成長,過度生長。你知道,花朵、蔬菜,它們長得瘋狂。好吧,然後他們進入童年。三歲過後,他們進入童年。從三歲到大約九歲,仍然在增長,但增長的速度並不相同。所以可以說仍然在慢慢增長。就像花園一開始大暴漲,然後又是小的增長。所以從三歲到九歲,是仍在增長的,對吧?但沒有第一個關鍵期的程度那麼高。
    現在青春期來臨,九到二十五歲。而且現在你必須修剪花園,因為如果你不修剪不需要的細胞,對大腦的損害與根本就不生長這些細胞是同樣的。因此,在這兩個關鍵時期,環境影響細胞是否生長和是否修剪。當他們還是幼小的時候,你就是他們的環境。你就是了,標籤,你就是。當他們進入青春期時,你是環境中非常重要的一部分,但並不是他們的整個環境。他們有朋友、有學校、有活動,對吧?所以,如果你能夠抓住第一個時間窗口去影響他們,這是非常重要的,因為你不知道將來會發生什麼,因此你希望加強他們的能力,對吧?你希望加強他們,以便他們在進入青春期時,能夠應對那段真正困難且充滿挑戰的時期,因為青春期是如此艱難,對吧?而且會面臨如此多的艱苦挑戰,社交挑戰、學業挑戰,對吧?社交媒體,因此這兩個時期都很重要。如果你錯過了第一個窗口。
    零到三歲?是的,我第二本書的標題。它叫「小雞小雞」。天空并沒有崩塌,讓我們在焦慮的新時代中培養有韌性的青少年。如果那還不夠冗長,你知道這本書的標題原本應該是什麼嗎?它應該是「第二次機會」。好吧。而且「存在」的標題本來應該叫做「失落的本能」。所以如果你弄壞了你的孩子,你還會有第二次機會去修正它。你會有第二次機會。而你該怎麼辦?我希望人們閱讀這本書,因為它比我所說的要更細緻複雜。許多你在前三年應該做的事情,你必須以不同的方式在那裡。
    你不會的,我是說,他們不是那種小小的孩子,
    但當他們從學校回家,如果你不在那裡,當門自動打開時,
    每個人都知道,青少年如果有門,會關上自己的門。
    這是他們表達「我的防禦心態很強,請走開」的方式。
    如果父母努力工作,然後回到家,說:「敲敲敲。
    我來是為了和你共度時光。
    你今天過得怎麼樣?」
    那扇門就關上了。
    關上了,寶貝,關上了。
    如果當門在他們的條件下自動打開時你不在,
    如果當他們出來拿小吃、上廁所或從學習中休息時你不在。
    如果你那時不在,並且準備好進行溝通,
    那扇門又會關上。
    所以這回到了這個觀念,即孩子需要你時是因為他們需要你,
    而不是因為你個人有空。
    如果你錯過了那個時機,這並不是世界的末日,
    因為你可以,用我們所說的一個詞,是去修復。
    你可以修復很多損傷,但如果要修復傷害,你無法回到過去,
    就像天主教徒去懺悔一樣。
    你進去說:「哦,父親,我今天殺了人。」
    神父會說:「好吧,說12次聖母瑪利亞的祈禱。」
    我不知道,我不是天主教徒,但你不能再出去殺人。
    所以如果你想修復,這意味著你和孩子之間所發生的任何事情,
    你都在努力成為一個更好的父母。
    你在努力以不同的方式行事。
    你不能利用他們的待人之道,並不斷推開他們。
    但修復是可能的,因為大腦是可塑的,
    始終在增長和縮小,直到它不再。
    假設我已經30歲,並且我有一個創傷的成長背景,
    我能否修復從零歲到十歲所經歷的童年創傷呢?
    我會這樣說,造成創傷需要一段關係,
    而修復則需要另一段關係。
    所以,大多數人不明白的事情就是治療的本質,
    以及為什麼我非常推薦心理動力學心理治療,
    有些人會說心理分析治療,
    但一種更深入、持久的治療,是因為你發展了一種關係。
    並不是因為治療師說了一些淺顯的話而讓你痊癒。
    我的意思是,我希望我聰明到可以這樣說,然後,
    每個人都說你是天才,給我幾百萬美元。
    事情不是這樣的。
    治療需要與治療師建立持續的關係,
    因為正是通過治療師在你生活的起伏中看著你,
    反映你的情感。這是一種情感上的修復經驗,
    但這不僅僅是治療師所說的,還包括與治療師之間的長期關係。
    所以,治療的關鍵在於關係,而不是解釋。
    因此,這是否可以是一段浪漫的關係,當然,能在某種程度上修正你呢?
    好的,所以這個想法是,要真正治癒,就需要關係,
    而這些關係有時是你愛的人。
    與你愛的人相處的問題在於,你最終會將自己的衝突和內心的喪失加諸於他們身上,
    所以,如果你發現自己在利用你愛的人作為治療師,
    如果你發現自己在使用你愛的人來處理過去的喪失,
    我會說這可能會破壞你們的關係。
    所以你必須小心。
    所以,去找治療師的原因在於保護這段關係。
    這不是說你不與你愛的人分享,
    但你不想把自己童年創傷的負擔施加在你的朋友或愛人身上,對吧?
    所以我總是說,治療就像是一個安全的容器。
    你去治療,和你的治療師交談,
    你發展出這種信任的關係,所有的一切都留在那裡,可以這麼說,
    在那個容器裡,直到你回來。
    但治療並不適合每個人。
    它需要放下你的防禦。
    它需要開放的能力,談論你的感受。
    如果你無法談論自己的感受,也有其他類型的治療可以選擇,例如DBT或CBT。
    但大多數情況下,治療需要開放。
    它需要信任。
    你一定會遇到許多對自己童年創傷及其在塑造他們性格中的角色處於否認狀態的人。
    因為我相信你會遇到一些人,他們表現出成年人症狀,如可能很難建立關係。
    也許他們有其他形式的不穩定情感行為。
    而你的某些時候可能懷疑,
    這與某些早期經歷有關。
    而他們處於否認狀態。
    所以我只是在想我所認識的那些生活中有持續症狀的人。
    但如果你問他們童年是否有影響,
    他們幾乎會為他們的童年辯護。
    因此,防禦是重要的。
    防禦保護我們。
    人們對於治療的理解也常常出現誤解。
    這種治療。
    我是一名精神分析師。
    所以人們認為,你去治療時他們會剝奪你所有的防禦。
    我絕不會剝奪某人的防禦,
    除非我能幫助他們用更健康的防禦取而代之。
    所以我們做的是一種交換。
    但你不會在地雷上移開你的腳,除非你能放一塊很大的石頭來替代它。
    所以如果你要放下一種防禦,
    你必須信任與之合作的人,
    以便找到一種更好、更健康的防禦來保護自己。
    給我一個例子。
    如果你在童年時期使用焦慮,
    如果你用焦慮來獲取注意,
    那如果你在小時候抱怨,
    並到處說:「哦,我擔心這個。」
    在某種程度上,那是有目的的。
    那種焦慮、抱怨和情感的表達,會吸引父母的注意。突然之間,我確信這種情況很多,很多孩子開始崩潰並說:「我感到焦慮,我感到沮喪。」我確實相信他們中有很多人是這樣的,但我也認為他們中的許多人需要父母理解他們。因此,我稱之為一種防禦,但這是一種不健康的防禦,因為最後的結果是父母聽不進去他們的聲音,因為他們抱怨,而焦慮也開始讓父母感到厭煩,父母開始疏遠孩子。因此,對於這個孩子來說,更好的防禦方式是學會表達他們對父母的需求,而不僅僅是說「我感到焦慮」或「我感到沮喪」,而是實際上說:「你知道嗎,爸爸媽媽,你們真的沒有花多少時間跟我在一起。你們真的沒有,而當你們在家時,你們是分心的,你們在用電腦和iPad,對我似乎不太感興趣。」這樣的方式更能讓他們得到所需的關注。因此,除非你有更好的東西給別人,否則你永遠不要從某人那裡奪走什麼。這是治療的一個迷思,對嗎?所以人們覺得他們進入治療會變得毫無防備。你提到的防禦性卻是完全不同的事情。當某人表現出防禦時,這意味著這是一種不健康的防禦。這意味著你觸碰到了某種東西。因此,當你對朋友說:「你有童年創傷嗎?」而他們回答「絕對沒有,你在幹嗎?」那種防禦性,與那些說「你知道嗎,我想不出來。我,也許,可能,你知道。」的人的反應截然不同。能夠內省自己童年中的好與壞,並整合這些好與壞,這是一個健康的標誌。如果你有一個朋友無法談論自己童年的悲傷,或者無法談論快樂,無法整合自己童年中的好與壞,那麼你就知道那裡發生了某些事情。如果你有個朋友完全不願意談論,那麼你就真的知道那裡發生了什麼。你觸碰到了敏感的地方。
    父親的問題是否真實存在?因為這個詞在文化中就像是「哦,她有父親問題。」通常是說女性有父親問題,不是嗎?對的。所以有一種叫做「戀父情結」的發展,這是性發展。這實際上是關係發展,但它涉及的是性發展,所有的小男孩都會浪漫地愛上自己的母親,並想娶她。因此所有的小男孩都會說:「我想嫁給你,媽媽。爸爸去死。」大概就是這樣。所有的小女孩都想成為爸爸的小公主,嫁給爸爸,然後希望媽媽消失。這是一個大約三到六歲的時期。我總是提前告訴父母這些。父親需要加強自身並感到足夠安全。因此當他們的小男孩說「再見,爸爸。讓你消失」時,父親不會反應過度。他們不會陷入深深的憂鬱。他們只是吸收這些,並說:「哦,我明白了。你愛媽媽。」這樣也可以。小女孩也是如此。如果她們的母親過度反應,對她們發怒,拒絕她們,說「哦,你只是愛你的爸爸。」如果父親對小女孩不夠在場,那麼這會影響到她們,所以我們的第一段浪漫關係是與我們異性父母的關係。所以身為一個小男孩,你的第一段浪漫關係是和母親,而身為小女孩,你的第一段浪漫關係是與父親。如果你的異性父母完全不在場,那麼這是一種損失。因此,有時發生的情況是,如果你沒有一位在場的父親,或者你的父親真的是缺席的,或者他在身體上在場但情感上卻缺席,你可能會用一生在尋找那種戀父情結那樣的連結,渴望那種讚賞、愛與某人像父親愛小女孩的那種方式愛你。
    但是帶著內心的不信任?嗯,未必。我是說,有時候是過度信任。我是說,如果你很餓,有人給你剩飯,你會接受剩飯,對吧?如果你餓了,有人說「這裡有些鬆餅的碎屑」,那麼問題就在於——但如果他們把剩飯給我,有時候在我伸手去拿時卻走了,然後不回來了?那麼我可能會發展出一種關係,讓我覺得不安全去信任這些剩飯,因為——所以這是一位粗心的父親。但這仍然會留下那個小女孩對被這樣愛的渴望。因此就像是一個缺失的部分,對吧?所以你會說與異性父母的浪漫關係是我們性發展和關係發展中非常重要的一部分。因此,這成為那個孩子缺失的一部分,然後長大成為成年人。如果一位父親對小女孩施加虐待,那麼,你知道,那個小女孩可能會進行所謂的神經性重複,也就是她會尋找虐待她的男人,因為那是她所知道或理解的唯一愛。因此你必須記住,孩子們對與父母的關係的感知是愛的,無論父母對他們做了什麼。我曾經在年輕社會工作者的時候,從事養護工作。那些受到父母身體虐待和嚴重忽略的孩子,仍然想和他們的母親和父親在一起。他們不想被帶走,因為那是他們的父母,而他們把它看作愛。因此,無論我們怎麼成長,我們都把它視為愛。問題是如果這不是健康的愛,那麼我們可能會在成人生活中重複這種神經性重複。男人、年輕男孩和男人。
    我早些時候看到一些統計數據,顯示年輕男性的性活動減少,這是一個有趣的數據。報告顯示,年齡在18到24歲之間的男性中,有近31%的人在過去一年內沒有性活動。這幾乎是18年前的兩倍。這裡有一個有趣的統計數據:男性的自殺率最高。在美國,男性幾乎佔所有自殺案例的80%。全球在45到64歲的年齡段中自殺率最高。自殺是年輕男性的主要死因。而在英國進行的一項調查發現,越來越多的男性感到絕望和無價值,並且在尋找生活的意義和目標上感到掙扎。年輕男性的困境,你在你的書中和工作中提到,男性的角色已經改變,而這對男性的健康和幸福感未必是有利的。是的,我們奪走了他們的目標。當你奪走一個人的目標時,我記得男性的目的是保護家庭。在遠古時期,他們的任務是狩獵、養活家庭,但同樣也是保護家庭、提供家庭所需。而我們所做的一切卻是相反的,儘管我們提升了女性,在提升女性的過程中,卻貶低了男性。我有兩個兒子,所以這對我來說非常個人。我在診所裡也見到了很多年輕男性,年輕的成年男性。我想說的是,他們感到氣餒、無目標,感到自己被貶低。是的,我認為有一種復仇的情緒,這樣,女權運動是為了給予女性選擇的權利,平衡社會中的不平衡。但這個運動中有一種復仇的情緒。我時常覺得現代的女權運動有些復仇的意味,似乎是想要打擊男性、貶低男性、取代男性、把男性排擠出去、打擊他們,讓他們知道誰才是強者——我意思是,這真的有些復仇。因此,對我來說,女權運動應該是為了創造平衡,而不是創造這種不平衡。此外,現在超過60%的大學和研究生院都是女性。因此這意味著,根據研究,男性通常會和自己的教育程度相當或更低的女性結婚,而女性只會和自己的教育程度相當或更高的男性結婚。通過如此貶低男性的教育和職業地位,我們基本上奪走了男性的目標。他們感到無目標。另一點是,當男性留在家中照顧孩子時——請記住,作為哺乳動物,我們有明確的角色。留在家中照顧孩子並不是男性的本能行為。這只是對某些事情的反轉。這裡的問題是,催產素和睾酮之間存在反比關係。催產素越高,猜猜睾酮會怎麼樣?不知道。是的。所以如果我們在家裡建立情感聯繫——這是有原因的。哺乳動物在照顧幼崽時,不希望有人與他們交配。走開,對吧?所以當雌性哺乳動物照顧幼崽時,她並不想要性。她其實並不想要,所以在照料中所付出的投資會推開交配的需求。這也是為什麼我看到很多數據顯示,男性在成為父親後睾酮下降。我看到這一點時簡直不敢相信,但事實就是如此。有些研究談到女性的睾酮會上升。女性在工作中和男性一樣奮鬥的時候,她們的睾酮會上升;而當男性留在家中時,睾酮則會下降。現在,這對性生活有什麼影響——有一些研究討論了這個問題,那是下一個浪潮,這會對性生活造成什麼影響?因為男性必須表現出來。他們必須勃起,直接了當的說。告訴我你的看法。因此,如果你的睾酮低的話,你不會勃起,對吧?這就是為什麼有這麼多的威而鋼、透皮貼片和補充劑。因為讓丈夫留在家中照顧孩子並不是本能上的正常行為。這是令人不便的真相。這將如何影響男性和女性的性生活?當女性從銀行或法律工作中回家時,她們的丈夫不想和她們發生性行為嗎?這是否會影響到某些事情?所以我認為這是未來的一個新的問題,我們在社會上如此迅速地逆轉了一切。然後,我們希望我們的進化生理反應能在短短一百年內就能趕上。而進化並不是這樣運作的。改變我們的生理進化反應需要幾百年,甚至幾千年,對吧?我們的本能反應。因此,這是個問題。而且當男性的睾酮下降時,他們會感到沮喪。他們在性方面表現不好。他們會感到沮喪。他們感到無目標。他們無法做他們本能上應該做的事情,即提供、保護和狩獵。我們談論DEI(多元性別、平等和包容),那麼為什麼不談論DEI時關於男性的問題呢?為什麼不談論平衡天平、再次賦予男性目標的問題?老實說,我們應該談論當男性留在家中照顧孩子時發生什麼事情。是否有統計數據支持這個觀點,即如果你作為男性在家中養孩子,會在臥室中感到困難?我知道有一些研究在探討這個問題,看看它如何影響性慾。但當你的睾酮下降時,它確實會影響性慾。我們只是沒有在談論這個問題。因此,我有一些轶事的例子。我有一位病人的妻子是一位工作非常拼命的金融女強人,而他則失去了對她的興趣。
    他不得不在婚姻之外尋求與更具女性特質的女性交往,以便能夠感受到自己的男性角色。他在婚姻中無法做到這一點。因此,我們會看到社會因為這個原因而發生某種變化嗎?我們已經看到了。我是說,我們對年輕男孩所做的事情也很重要。讓我們談談我們對年輕男孩的影響。這一切從很小的時候就開始。我們基本上教育年輕男孩的方式是非常偏向女孩的。你知道,從很小的年紀開始,我們就談論要靜靜地坐著、調節情緒,不要具攻擊性,也不要衝動。而這些小男孩被診斷為注意力不足過動症(ADHD),許多只不過是因為他們是小男孩。小男孩需要四處跑動。他們有很多的身體能量,擁有大量的睾酮。在三到六歲的時候,睾酮會突然上升。你只想跑、跳、玩、在外面活動。而我們所做的是,把他們放進學校,讓他們坐在圓圈時間裡。因此我們邊緣化了他們,給他們貼上標籤。我們說他們有問題,說他們有ADHD和行為問題。而在許多小男孩的身上,我之前提到的壓力,就是讓小男孩變得更像小女孩的壓力,這就是它的起點。然後他們進入童年,再次,教育系統偏向女孩的學習方式,而不是男孩的學習方式。男孩是怎麼學習的呢?男孩的注意力持續時間非常短,然後他們需要大量的身體活動。所以理想情況下,如果你去看男孩學校,他們會怎麼做?他們像在公園裡放狗一樣讓男孩們跑動。他們坐45分鐘或半小時,但之後男孩們會有時間四處跑。然後他們再坐半小時,然後再跑。我的意思是,他們每天有四次課間。這對男孩來說真的更好。而小女孩則能更安靜地坐在圓圈時間裡,因為她們沒有那麼多睾酮。她們對於跑、跳和玩耍的需求不如小男孩那麼強烈。她們確實需要玩耍。我們不讓我們的孩子,無論是男孩還是女孩,去玩,因為我們試圖過早強迫發展左腦。但我們正在把小男孩逼進這個框框裡,而他們在這個框框裡表現得並不好,然後他們被標籤。被標籤為有行為問題、ADHD,這個標籤然後將伴隨著他們度過童年,有時甚至到中學、高中。對。你會改變什麼?如果我讓你成為世界首相、世界總統,讓你來解決這個問題?哦,我會讓小男孩在早期與小女孩分開教育。在早期,我會有男孩學校和女孩學校,因為小女孩的學習方式不同。此外,已有很多證據表明,在早期的單性別教育中,小女孩會嘗試一些小男孩面前不願意嘗試的事情,並且小男孩會嘗試小女孩面前不願意冒險的事情。比如小男孩更可能嘗試藝術、繪畫和音樂;而小女孩則更有可能嘗試STEM(科學、技術、工程和數學)和數學等我們所說的小女孩應該做的事情。這個觀點是,單性別的早期教育對小孩來說是更好的,因為他們的學習方式不同。那麼關於男性呢?你會改變什麼來解決你所說的睾酮及這些問題?談論一下。我們應該來談論這個問題。我們不談這個問題。你有多少次聽到我剛剛說過的話?人們不談論,如果我們想讓男性成為撫育者,他們的睾酮會降得相當低。你將不得不補充他們的睾酮。此外,假如你剝奪了他們的進化目的,他們會感到沮喪。女性擁有許多自尊的來源,她們有工作、有孩子,她們是關係導向的。在大多數情況下,歷史上男性的自尊來自有意義和有目的的工作,以及保護家庭。因此,我們所做的就是取消了他們在家外的目的性工作,讓他們的目的性工作變成了照顧孩子。我們降低了睾酮水平。所以如果你看看這種情況,我們試圖轉變,這就像是一次社會實驗。我們試圖在不到100年的時間裡改變數千年的進化所造成的東西,這是相當有問題的。那麼我會做什麼?我會談論這個問題。我會讓伴侶們去討論這個問題。我認為他們需談論競爭性, envy 和嫉妒,甚至失望。我是說,一位女性回到家看到自己的丈夫在照顧孩子,她一方面可能會說,“哦,我的丈夫真好,真可愛,我愛他照顧我的孩子。”但另一方面,她又告訴她的朋友,“我希望他能賺更多的錢,我希望他能照顧我。”這是有問題的。在菲律賓做過一項縱向研究,對624名男性進行跟蹤,持續近五年,發現那些成為父親的人睾酮水平顯著下降。具體來說,新伴侶的父親在早晨的睾酮中有近30%的中度下降,而晚上則下降了35%,這比單身非父親的下降要大得多。此外,每天在孩子照顧上花費三小時或更多的父親,睾酮水平也低於那些在照顧工作中參與較少的人。
    這段文字的繁體中文翻譯如下:
    而且共睡也有影響,研究顯示,與孩子共睡的父親其睾酮水平比那些不共睡的父親低。這意味著在睡眠期間的親密接觸可能進一步影響與父母照顧相關的荷爾蒙變化。我之前聽過的一個關於為何新做父親的男性睾酮水平會下降的論點,是因為這是一種進化上的原因,讓我們不會去外面出軌,而是去照顧孩子。這是一種投入。因此,無論你是投入於交配還是投入於照顧。是的,這是一個好的計畫。是的,也不是,因為你仍然需要有睾酮才能與妻子建立一段滿意的關係。不幸的是,這並不能阻止男性出軌,因為健康的男性會說,你知道,我們以前每天都會有兩次性生活,但現在我們有了寶寶,只有每週一到兩次,因為寶寶太小了。而健康的男性會說,這已經夠了。我可以進行情境切換。相比之下,一名較不健康的男性可能會說,我要去外面找別的地方滿足因為我在這裡得不到。是的,我的意思是,你問的所有問題都有其細微之處。但我想說的是,當你在床上有寶寶時,睾酮下降一些是可以的。但是,我們所談論的在家中培養時的睾酮下降,這要看情況。這可能會有問題。
    我最後一個問題是關於設備和技術的。最近有很多書籍和討論圍繞螢幕、社交媒體和手機對孩子的影響。你對在技術世界中撫養健康孩子的看法和哲學是什麼?我認為美國兒科學會說,兩歲以下不應接觸技術,有其良好的理由。不要使用 iPhone,不要使用 iPad,對吧?當他們兩歲時,你要坐下來一起看《羅杰斯先生的鄰居》的重播也很好。但就是不應有技術。在那之後,真的要控制技術。那麼,為什麼這很重要呢?因為技術會提高你大腦中的多巴胺水平,這也是成年人會對其上癮的原因。這是非常上癮的。問題在於,對於成年人來說,使用技術的時候確實會提高你的多巴胺,但有研究表明,技術在青少年大腦中提升多巴胺的效果是成年人十倍,因此換句話說,如果你抽一根大麻,會讓你嗨。如果青少年抽同樣的煙,會讓他們嗨十倍。這和大腦對多巴胺的敏感性以及缺乏調節有關。因此,前額皮層是調節情緒的大腦部位,而這個部位直到大約25歲才完全發育。因此,所有需要調節的多巴胺,成年人比青少年更能輕易地進行調節。這不好,因為會導致上癮。好的,這不好,特別是社交媒體,但所有的技術都會刺激杏仁核。記得那個杏仁形狀的調節壓力的大腦部分嗎?它啟動了壓力反應,這種反應不希望長期存在。這會有很多問題。尤其是對於青少年,尤其是青少年女孩的社交媒體,它利用了這一點。我是說,你必須說這是為了利用而創造的。這不是巧合。這是操控性地創造的,因為這對青少年女孩的大腦如此糟糕的原因是因為自我意識、完美主義,都是大腦在高警覺的壓力和恐懼狀態下。你把那些女孩和男孩置於一個高度警覺的恐懼與壓力狀態中,對吧?我必須完美。我看起來沒有他們那麼漂亮。我的衣服沒有那麼好看。因此,你把孩子們置於恐懼狀態中,然後他們無法與設備分離。就像他們被困在一個範式中。我想有部電影叫《全面啟動》,你可以被困在一個範式中。你可以被困在這個完美主義、社會孤立、自我意識的幻想和虛擬現實中,這都是大腦在高警覺的壓力狀態中。因此,這對成年人來說不好,對青少年大腦來說更糟。
    今天我們應該討論的最重要的事情是什麼,而我們到目前為止還沒有談到的?我認為我們談了很多,但我想我會說的是,存在感對孩子是非常關鍵的,這是沒有替代的。社會上我們有一種觀念認為,孩子的照護是可以簡單地交給他人的,可以委託的。可以委託給其他人做其他事情。委託你的會計。委託你的洗衣。委託你的烹飪。如果你是 CEO,可以委託所有能委託的事情,但要花時間和孩子在一起。你與他們的關係,他們的心理健康都依賴於此。而這不是我們所說的。我們說,工作,工作,工作,賺更多錢,大家工作,工作,工作,工作,而你的孩子會很好。好吧,很明顯,我們的孩子並不好。我作為一名雇主該怎麼做?我雇了很多人,我在想,糟糕,我是否需要在他們有孩子時給他們三年假?這是不是…… 在我看來,給他們盡可能多的假期。無論男女?男性和女性,無論誰是主要的依附人物。我會說,無論誰真正負責照顧那個孩子。但然後給他們選擇。在孩子非常小的幾年中,給他們如何工作的選擇。給他們選擇,讓他們可以兼職工作、共享工作,或是每週在家工作一半的時間,這樣他們就不必離開孩子,仍然可以工作。
    給他們選擇和選項,讓他們擁有某種靈活性和控制權。如果你知道某位員工有年幼的孩子,要接受他們可能需要提前離開,無法像其他沒有孩子的人一樣待到很晚的事實,而這會使那些沒有孩子的人感到憤怒。你知道嗎?這沒關係,因為孩子們需要這樣的安排。生活不公平,不總是公平的。如果你想要小孩,你也可以擁有這樣的選擇。但精確平等的想法就很難做到,因為社會需要的是健康的孩子。如果你要生小孩,每天需要四點離開,以便能回家陪伴孩子,那麼就需要靈活性、控制權和選項,並在最開始的時候盡可能多休息。你意識到你所說的一些話是有爭議的嗎?幾乎所有都是。為什麼你還是要這樣說?因為總得有人這樣做。因為這些是不便利的真相,阻礙我們培養健康孩子,讓他們成長為健康的成年人。因此,必須有人說出這些話。如果你太擔心別人會喜歡你,那麼有時候你就不會說出有必要說的話。而且幸運的是,我不在乎別人是否喜歡我,但我在乎的是人們喜歡自己的孩子,並希望與孩子在一起。這就是為什麼我說這些話。為什麼對你來說這麼個人?我能在你臉上看出來。那麼,你得問我自己的個人故事。我的個人故事,簡單起來就是,我的母親是一位非常有愛的母親,但她有時會脫離現實。所謂脫離現實,就是她在童年時經歷了很多創傷,我想她是透過情感上保持像小女孩一樣來應對。她非常甜美,但實際上像一個小女孩。因此,我並不總是能感受到她的存在,感覺就像沙子從我指尖滑過。我能記得當時的痛苦,但她在身體上是存在的,但我能感受到心靈上她的缺席帶來的痛苦。她能為我感受,這就是我有如此同情心的原因。但她無法真正思考我。因此,父母為孩子所需做的兩件事是:他們必須能夠為孩子感受,對他們的痛苦、困擾感同身受。他們不能對孩子的痛苦和困擾視而不見。你不能視而不見。你沒有奢侈的空間去忽視孩子的困擾,但你也必須能思考他們,能夠思考他們是誰。我母親可以為我感受,但她無法思考我,因為她會脫離現實。所以我個人的痛苦在於有一位關愛的母親,但她有一些限制。這使我想成為一位更好的母親,但也促使我想去對待那些想當更好母親和父親的人。這對你作為一名年輕女性,青少年時期產生了什麼影響?我在社交上掙扎,在身份和自我價值感上也很掙扎。我要說,這一切直到我進入治療後才有所改變。哦,我在20多歲時嘗試了很多事情。我曾在電視製作領域工作,在國會工作過,還在許多公共關係公司工作過。最後,我發現自己有一天坐在治療師的辦公室裡,環顧四周,說:“這就是我想待的地方。我想要成為她那樣,我想要像她幫助我一樣幫助別人。”所以我與我的第一位治療師之間的關係,然後是我的第二位治療師,你知道,作為精神分析師,我們必須在很多年內接受治療,因為關鍵是我們必須在自己身上進行深刻的工作,這樣我們才不會因自己的問題無意中對病人造成傷害。因此,我們必須非常組織化。這就是我的個人故事,以及為什麼母親的角色對我如此重要,嬰兒的脆弱性對我也如此重要。Erika,我們在這個播客上有一個結尾傳統,上位嘉賓會給下一位嘉賓留一個問題,卻不知他們是留給誰的。而留給你的問題是:“你的訃告寫著什麼?” 哦,我天,我想我會知道是誰留的。你之後會告訴我。哦,天呐,我的訃告寫著什麼呢?善良、慷慨、有同情心、堅定信念、倔強的好朋友、好母親、好妻子。是的。我想它會這樣寫。我確實認為會有這樣的描述。而且我認為還會有幾句額外的話來表述你通過自己的工作給世界帶來的價值。現在,人們可能不會同意你所說的每一句話,因為對這些問題,人們的看法各不相同,但我認為願意基於他們經歷的科學、他們所閱讀到的東西、他們學習的知識以及所見的經歷來傳達自己的想法和真實感受的人是極其重要的。因為我認為如果我們回顧歷史,當人們反對被接受的敘事時,才會出現進步。事實上,如果不是那些勇於堅持自己信念而反對某些敘事的人,我可能無法坐在美國這裡,作為一個黑人男性。因此,我一直認為,反對意見是有益的,尤其是當它們是出於良好意圖的。而這正是我對你的工作的看法。我認為你挑戰了某種敘事,為桌子帶來了證據和新觀點,這是我認為對許多人來說非常重要的不同視角。而且對我來說,這一切都非常有趣,因為我掙扎著,你知道,我正在邁向成為父親的生命階段,而我正在閱讀所有關於讓孩子在超市裡哭或者讓他們進行暫停的資料……哦,我真的是要給你我的電話號碼。是的。
    我一直在試圖穿越這一片充滿育兒建議和無稽之談的風暴。聽到你的觀點真是太好了,因為這是一種對立的觀點。這是沒有人真正想大聲說出來的觀點。因此,對我來說,這是很有用的。謝謝你,艾莉卡。非常感謝你今天的時間和慷慨。我真的非常感激。請繼續做你正在做的工作。我對你即將出版的書感到非常興奮。我想是明年出版,對吧?是的,關於離婚。如果有人想找到你更多的作品,這裡有兩本優秀的書:《在場:為什麼在前三年優先考慮母職是重要的》,這是一本我相信在2017年出版的精彩書籍。然後這本《小雞小鴨:天塌不下來,在新焦慮時代培養韌性的青少年》,我相信是2021年出版的。我會在下面鏈接這兩本書。如果你對這些主題感興趣,我強烈建議你閱讀這些書。不過,還可以在哪裡找到你?www.komisar.com。還有在Attachment Circles,網站應該很快就會啟用。如果你在尋找社區和教育,歡迎來到Attachment Circles。太好了,我會在你現在收聽的地方下面鏈接這兩個網站。艾莉卡,謝謝你。謝謝你讓我來到這裡。世界上一些最成功、最迷人且最具洞察力的人坐在我面前的這張桌子上。在每次談話結束時,我會要求他們在著名的《CEO 日記》中留下問題。這是一個旨在引發最重要對話的問題,這種對話能夠改變你的生活。我們然後將這些問題放在這些卡片上。在每一張卡片上,你都可以看到留下問題的人和他們提出的問題。卡片的另一邊,如果你掃描那個條碼,你可以看到下個回答問題的是誰。很多人想知道的事情,而唯一的方式就是獲得一些對話卡片,你可以在家裡和朋友和家人一起玩,在工作中與同事一起,還可以與假期中的陌生人一起。我會在下面的描述中放一個鏈接到對話卡片,你可以在thediary.com上獲得你的卡片。
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    Erica Komisar is a clinical social worker, psychoanalyst, and parent guidance expert with over 30 years of private practice experience. She is the author of books such as, ‘Chicken Little the Sky Isn’t Falling: Raising Resilient Adolescents in the New Age of Anxiety’.  

    In this conversation, Erica and Steven discuss topics such as, how the mental health crisis is impacting children, how attachment disorders are created in childhood, the dangers of the falling birth rate, and how daycare may cause future issues for your kid. 

    00:00 Intro

    02:21 Erica’s Mission

    08:12 Who Are Erica’s Patients?

    09:35 How Have Social Changes Influenced Parenting?

    13:00 Is the Role of a Mother More Important Than That of a Father?

    16:30 Why Are Fathers Important From a Biological Level?

    23:20 Erica’s Unpopular Ideas About Parenting

    25:17 Family Diaspora: Raising Children Without Extended Family

    27:31 Can Raising Children Away From Extended Family Be Justified?

    28:30 Voluntary Childlessness

    29:25 Attachment Disorders

    33:40 How Do Attachment Disorders Manifest in Adulthood?

    34:54 Choosing a Partner Based on Attachment Styles

    36:20 Predicting Relationship Success Based on Attachment Styles

    37:53 Does Having More Children Correlate With Neglect?

    39:19 Decline in Birth Rates

    41:23 What Is Unique About Relationships With Your Own Children?

    43:12 What Contributes to Growing Infertility Among People?

    46:45 How Did Erica Manage to Balance Work and Motherhood?

    48:48 Should Fathers Be the Stay-at-Home Parent?

    51:18 Harlow’s Study on Rhesus Monkeys

    53:38 The Challenge of Motherhood in Poor Socioeconomic Conditions

    57:36 Does More Paid Leave Equal Better Childcare?

    59:10 Connection Between Upbringing and Success in Adult Life

    01:01:40 ADHD: Why Has It Risen So Much in the Past Decade?

    01:07:40 We’re Medicating ADHD Wrong

    01:09:26 The Top Stressors We’re Exposing Our Children To

    01:11:29 Is ADHD Hereditary?

    01:16:50 What’s Wrong With Medicating Children?

    01:21:15 The Link Between Stress and ADHD

    01:22:23 What to Do if a Kid Screams in a Supermarket

    01:25:54 The Different Types of Trauma

    01:32:43 Same-Sex Couples Taking Roles

    01:38:50 What Should Career-Driven Mothers Do?

    01:42:08 Not Everyone Can Do This Stuff

    01:45:25 Children Don’t Need Other Kids Until the Age of 3

    01:47:00 Ads

    01:48:59 What’s So Important at 3 Years Old?

    01:55:32 Can I Repair My Trauma and Brain Past My 30s?

    01:58:44 Our Pain and Trauma Are Rooted in Childhood

    02:02:33 Is “Daddy Issues” a Thing?

    02:06:33 Are We Taking Men’s Purpose Away?

    02:10:42 Men’s Testosterone Drops When They Become Fathers

    02:13:03 What Happens When Men Become the Primary Caregiver?

    02:16:22 Should We Split Schools Into Genders?

    02:19:11 Testosterone Decrease

    02:21:12 Raising Healthy Kids in a World of Technology

    02:24:45 The Importance of Being Present With Your Child

    02:25:48 What Should Employers Do?

    02:27:22 Do You Realise How Controversial the Things You Say Are?

    02:28:02 The Reason All of This Is So Personal to You

    02:30:58 What Does Your Obituary Say?

    Follow Erica: 

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    Twitter – https://g2ul0.app.link/2EKsgfB0lRb 

    Website – https://g2ul0.app.link/OPtiA4a8lRb 

    Erica’s book – https://g2ul0.app.link/7rANACv0lRb

    The The Diary Of A CEO Conversation Cards here: https://g2ul0.app.link/f31dsUttKKb 

    Follow me:

    https://g2ul0.app.link/gnGqL4IsKKb

    Sponsors:

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