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  • 620. Why Don’t Running Backs Get Paid Anymore?

    AI transcript
    0:00:08 Hey there, it’s Steven Dugner. Before today’s show, two quick things. Number one, on February
    0:00:14 13th, we are putting on a live Freakonomics radio show in Los Angeles. Come see us. As
    0:00:19 of this recording, there are some tickets left, but not many, so don’t dawdle. Go to
    0:00:27 Freakonomics.com/LiveShows, one word, to get tickets. And number two, we need your voice
    0:00:32 for an episode that we are in the middle of producing. It’s about sludge, not the physical
    0:00:37 sludge that gunks up machinery and things like that. I am talking about the administrative
    0:00:43 and bureaucratic sludge that can make it hard to do simple things like cancel the subscription
    0:00:49 or pick the best healthcare coverage or sign up for some government service. If you have
    0:00:55 a good sludge story, for example, we want to hear it. Use your phone to record a short
    0:01:02 voice memo and send it to radio@freakonomics.com. Please include your name, where you live,
    0:01:08 what you do, and tell us what’s your sludge story. How did you respond to this sludge?
    0:01:14 And do you think it was accidental sludge or intentional? Make sure you record your voice
    0:01:22 memo in a quiet place and again, send it to radio@freakonomics.com. Thanks much, Lee.
    0:01:30 And now, here is today’s episode.
    0:01:35 The National Football League, a phenomenally successful piece of the sports and entertainment
    0:01:41 industry, is largely built around the forward pass. That’s when the quarterback, the star
    0:01:46 of the show, throws a ball downfield to one of his sprinting receivers who tries to catch
    0:01:52 the ball and sprint even further down the field. This can be a very exciting thing to
    0:01:58 watch. In recent years, the passing game has gotten even more exciting and more sophisticated
    0:02:05 and it has helped drive the league’s massive growth. But if you ask football fans of a
    0:02:11 certain age who they idolized when they were kids, it probably wasn’t a wide receiver or
    0:02:19 even a quarterback. It was probably a running back.
    0:02:25 Tony Dorsett was my favorite player. I had the uniform, the helmet. The running backs
    0:02:33 were bigger stars during my childhood than the quarterbacks. My favorite player of all
    0:02:43 time was Barry Sanders. The day that he retired, I remember crying. I had a Ricky Waters jersey
    0:02:47 when he was with the Eagles actually. I wore it on the first day of school, I think of
    0:02:53 first or second grade.
    0:02:58 The three men we just heard from, we will meet them later. Two of them are former NFL
    0:03:03 running backs themselves and the other has represented many running backs as an agent.
    0:03:09 The running back I loved as a kid was Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers. To be honest,
    0:03:14 I was a little obsessed with Franco. We don’t need to get into the details here, but I did
    0:03:21 once write a book about him called Confessions of a Hero Worshipper. Like I said, a little
    0:03:27 bit obsessed. I liked everything about Franco, the way he carried himself off the field,
    0:03:32 especially how he ran. Some running backs, like Jim Brown, were known for their power
    0:03:38 for running people over. Others like Gale Sayers were so fast and graceful that it was hard
    0:03:44 to get a hand on them. Franco was somewhere in the middle, strong but elusive, a darter
    0:03:50 and a dodger. In football, every play is a miniature drama packed into just a few seconds,
    0:03:59 22 athletes moving at once, as complicated as a blueprint, as brutal as war, as delicate
    0:04:05 as ballet. A passing play is a bit of a magic trick. The quarterback and receiver try to
    0:04:11 trick the downfield defenders into being in the wrong place at the right time. A running
    0:04:17 play is more predictable, since the running back has to get through a wall of massive defenders.
    0:04:24 If he does, and breaks free into open space, that is a special kind of thrill.
    0:04:29 Back when Franco Harris was in the league, and for a long time after, many of the game’s
    0:04:35 biggest stars were running backs, and they were paid accordingly. If you go back 30 years
    0:04:41 and take the average salary of the top players by position, running backs ranked second, just
    0:04:48 behind quarterbacks. This year, running backs ranked thirteenth. So what happened? Everyone
    0:04:53 knows the NFL has become much more past happy these last few decades, but still, how did
    0:04:59 running backs fall so far? As it turns out, I wasn’t the only one with these questions.
    0:05:04 I was really interested in why salaries of running backs have declined and why they
    0:05:08 seem to be less important parts of the offense than I remembered.
    0:05:14 Roland Fryer, an economist at Harvard and a friend of Freakonomics, recently wrote
    0:05:18 a Wall Street Journal column called The Economics of Running Backs.
    0:05:23 It’s been kind of a slow drip, a slow decline of running backs, and then you think, why?
    0:05:24 What is it?
    0:05:29 I asked Roland if he would sit for an interview to help answer those questions. He said yes,
    0:05:36 but he had another idea that he insisted would be even more fun.
    0:05:41 So here’s the thing that really puzzles me. When I called you up and asked if we could
    0:05:45 talk about your Wall Street Journal column and make an episode based on this idea, you
    0:05:53 said yes, and I would actually like to co-host that episode. Can you explain that? I know
    0:05:59 very few Harvard economists or anybody really who’s interested in co-hosting a grubby little
    0:06:00 podcast.
    0:06:04 I’ve always had a crush on you, Steven, so I just want to get closer.
    0:06:11 Well, other than that, I guess the serious question I’m asking is, what kind of questions
    0:06:16 do you hope to answer or explore as we move forward? You’ve got some data, you’ve talked
    0:06:21 to a bunch of people, but plainly, your appetite is deeper than that. Why? What do you want
    0:06:22 to know?
    0:06:26 I think it’s such an intriguing question. It’s one of these things where your intuition
    0:06:32 and your eyeballs can oftentimes be inconsistent with what the actual data tell us, where does
    0:06:38 our intuition fail us? I think it does it a lot in life. I’m just fascinated by human
    0:06:44 behavior generally, but how we think about the use of my favorite subject economics when
    0:06:52 it comes to issues like valuing positions in a game that’s as complex as football.
    0:07:01 So, today on Freakonomics Radio, Roland Fryer and I explore the decline of the running back.
    0:07:05 We speak with one of the analytics gurus who sparked the revolution.
    0:07:12 Once I built that model, it was very, very clear that passing was far superior to running.
    0:07:16 We will hear an agent explain why the position is so difficult.
    0:07:23 The running back is the most violent position in the most violent sport on the planet.
    0:07:26 And of course, we will get the running back perspective.
    0:07:30 The quarterback got all the credit for taking it to the Super Bowl, and he did the bare minimum.
    0:07:34 The upcoming Super Bowl, the Philadelphia Eagles against the Kansas City Chiefs, will
    0:07:38 feature a running back who had a historically great season.
    0:07:42 So, does this mean we’re looking at a running back renaissance?
    0:07:44 I don’t think so.
    0:08:02 The causes and consequences of the running back decline starting now.
    0:08:08 This is Freakonomics Radio, the podcast that explores the hidden side of everything with
    0:08:18 your host, Steven Dubner.
    0:08:23 So look, I’m of two minds about this, because I have this job at Harvard.
    0:08:29 I’d give it away in a second if I could have been an NFL player, right?
    0:08:30 Roland Fryer is a Harvard economist.
    0:08:35 He has also co-founded a few companies, and he’s won some major awards for his research
    0:08:38 on education and policing.
    0:08:42 You may remember him from an episode we made a few years ago called “Roland Fryer Refuses
    0:08:45 to Lie to Black America.”
    0:08:50 But when he was a kid, he did not dream of being an economist.
    0:08:54 In the early 1980s, when the running backs Eric Dickerson and Walter Payton were tearing
    0:09:01 up the NFL, Roland was doing the same in Pop Warner football.
    0:09:03 I started playing football at age five.
    0:09:09 The coach asked me to race their fastest player, and I won, and he said, “You’re on the team.”
    0:09:13 In Texas, you play flag football five and six years old, and seven years old onwards,
    0:09:15 you strap on the pads and go to work.
    0:09:19 The coolest thing about playing was that they had a legitimate draft.
    0:09:21 You’d run a 40-yard dash.
    0:09:22 You’d kick the ball.
    0:09:23 You’d throw the ball.
    0:09:24 You’d catch some balls.
    0:09:27 They had a little shed there at the fields.
    0:09:32 They’d put all your measurements up, and then the coaches would select by lottery who went
    0:09:33 first.
    0:09:37 So we cared about where we were drafted as early as eight or nine years old.
    0:09:39 And how did you do in the draft?
    0:09:42 Oh, man, I was always in the one drafting.
    0:09:44 So what was your view of the running back position then?
    0:09:47 Did you just feel like you were king of the hill?
    0:09:50 Of course, because it was Texas Pop Warner football.
    0:09:55 My coaches early on told me my real talent was what they called running to the light,
    0:10:00 that you would just figure out where the gaps were and go, and it was all intuition.
    0:10:02 You’d score five, six touchdowns a game.
    0:10:03 I loved it.
    0:10:12 I absolutely loved playing football, and running backs were revered back then.
    0:10:16 It wasn’t just back then in the early ’80s that running backs were revered.
    0:10:21 They had been at the center of the game since it began in the mid-1800s.
    0:10:27 It wasn’t until 1906 that the forward pass was allowed in professional football.
    0:10:33 The NFL was founded in 1920, and for its first few decades, passing was rare.
    0:10:38 On the vast majority of plays, the ball was snapped to the quarterback who would then
    0:10:44 hand it off to a running back who would follow the blocks of his offensive linemen to try
    0:10:46 to get through the defensive linemen.
    0:10:49 It was not necessarily exciting.
    0:10:53 Football was a slow and grinding affair.
    0:10:57 Three yards and a cloud of dust was how people described it.
    0:11:01 Perhaps not coincidentally, football was not very popular either.
    0:11:05 The big American sports back then were baseball and boxing.
    0:11:10 It wasn’t until the 1960s and ’70s with the rise of the passing game that football started
    0:11:14 to become the juggernaut it is today.
    0:11:19 But for at least a couple more decades, running backs remained the star attraction.
    0:11:24 The position has always required a certain amount of physical sacrifice.
    0:11:26 Every part of football is physical, right?
    0:11:30 But when you’re running the ball, it’s not just the person in front of you that you’re
    0:11:31 going into.
    0:11:34 People are coming from the side and taking hits at knees.
    0:11:35 You can get rolled up on.
    0:11:38 There’s a lot of bodies there.
    0:11:43 So how long ago did you start thinking about this decline in the value of the running back?
    0:11:50 Years because it’s been a slow decline of running backs, and it’s my favorite position.
    0:11:55 I thought, why are my boys being paid less when these quarterbacks who aren’t nearly
    0:11:57 as tough as running backs are being paid more?
    0:12:03 I grew up in the era of Barry Sanders, Walter Payton, Emmett Smith.
    0:12:07 I’ve always liked these really, really explosive running backs just because they look like
    0:12:09 pure athletes.
    0:12:12 So the non-economists in me wanted them to be paid more.
    0:12:17 The economists in me understands that marginal value is what matters, and that’s what’s happening.
    0:12:20 So Fryer put his research skills to work.
    0:12:25 The first thing to do was to walk through and just verify those basic statistics.
    0:12:30 Look at the salaries as a share of total spend of running backs relative to quarterbacks.
    0:12:33 And of course, that’s what you find out.
    0:12:37 You can verify the intuition very quickly that the proportion of spend for running backs
    0:12:41 has gone down over time and quarterbacks much higher.
    0:12:43 And not just quarterbacks much higher.
    0:12:45 Everybody else on the offensive team.
    0:12:46 Everybody.
    0:12:50 And so the running backs, they’ve had the biggest drop relative to any other position.
    0:12:57 This season, the average salary of a starting quarterback in the NFL was just over $30 million.
    0:13:02 The average for starting running backs, $6 million.
    0:13:06 There are still plenty of running backs who are considered superstars, Saquon Barkley,
    0:13:12 Derek Henry, Josh Jacobs, Christian McCaffrey, but they’re not paid like superstars.
    0:13:17 None of those four are among the five highest paid players on their team.
    0:13:18 Why not?
    0:13:22 Roland Fryer wondered whether this was a supply story or a demand story.
    0:13:27 In other words, were running backs just not as good as they used to be or did teams no
    0:13:30 longer value what running backs had to offer?
    0:13:33 So the first thing I did was test a bunch of supply side theories.
    0:13:39 We went and collected all the data we could on passing yards, running yards over the years,
    0:13:40 by team, et cetera.
    0:13:44 But also, we needed to understand the characteristics of the players.
    0:13:49 So we looked at combine statistics and all the data we could collect from there in terms
    0:13:54 of 40 speed, three cone, drill speeds, which is a measure of explosiveness, bench press,
    0:13:55 all those kinds of things.
    0:14:00 The NFL Combine is a showcase where teams assess the abilities of the college players
    0:14:02 they are looking to draft.
    0:14:08 And what we found was that running backs in terms of their abilities in the combine have
    0:14:09 not changed.
    0:14:15 The supply going in has not changed, and importantly, because it is a team sport, the supply of
    0:14:18 the other people around them hasn’t changed much.
    0:14:25 But what has changed is the expected value of a passing play relative to a running play.
    0:14:30 The NFL and the teams want to maximize wins, maximize revenue.
    0:14:32 And the way you do that is that you score a lot of points.
    0:14:35 The way you score a lot of points is that you pass the ball more.
    0:14:36 Pretty simple.
    0:14:38 Is it that simple?
    0:14:42 To find out, we wanted to hear from some running backs.
    0:14:44 Roland took the first interview.
    0:14:45 Are we ready?
    0:14:46 Yeah.
    0:14:53 One, two, three, four, eggs, turkey bacon, never pork, little pancakes, light syrup, OJ,
    0:14:54 you know.
    0:14:56 So just give me your name and what you do.
    0:14:58 My name is LeShaw McCoy.
    0:15:03 I’m an ex NFL all decade running back for the Eagles, the Bills, the Chiefs, and the
    0:15:04 Bucks.
    0:15:09 And now I’m on Fox with the facility five day week show.
    0:15:12 Tell me about your early memories of playing running back.
    0:15:15 So I was about five years old.
    0:15:17 You post a play at six, but I loved the game so much.
    0:15:20 I lied to him until I was six when I was really five.
    0:15:21 We all hitting at five.
    0:15:22 I mean, we had pads on.
    0:15:23 I don’t want to call it hitting.
    0:15:24 We had pads on.
    0:15:25 Back in the day, man, it was different.
    0:15:28 When we’re hanging out in the neighborhoods, we would call this thing free for all.
    0:15:32 It would be like seven, eight kids, and we would throw the ball, and one dude had to
    0:15:34 make all eight guys miss.
    0:15:38 So tell me what I want people to hear from you.
    0:15:39 Like what is like playing running back?
    0:15:46 I mean, what part of it is mental, physical, how much of it can be taught versus instincts?
    0:15:51 It’s one of the most unique positions on the field because you’re the farthest one back.
    0:15:54 So you see everything going on.
    0:15:57 And as a running back, you have a job to do every single play.
    0:16:01 Wire receivers, they can take a playoff, but running backs don’t have that because we’re
    0:16:07 either running the ball or we’re blocking or we’re in the passing routes.
    0:16:11 One part of it is really the skill, natural gifts from God.
    0:16:13 Another part is studying and learning.
    0:16:18 And I tell other young backs now is let your natural instincts happen, right?
    0:16:23 But being a student of the game, learning like, okay, every defense has a weak point.
    0:16:25 Your job is where you might define that.
    0:16:29 Tell me in your view, why is the running back market like it is today?
    0:16:32 I mean, do you feel like the current situation is unfair?
    0:16:34 Do you feel like it’s fine?
    0:16:35 I hate it.
    0:16:36 It’s unfair.
    0:16:41 It’s unfair because you’re telling me that you’d be a great difference maker as a running
    0:16:42 back.
    0:16:47 And because I don’t play quarterback, I can’t get paid the right value for my position.
    0:16:52 You’re telling me that because I don’t play quarterback, I got to play elite level every
    0:16:54 year to get elite money.
    0:17:01 But the quarterback can play above average for years and one year be pretty good.
    0:17:03 And now you’re about to get elite money.
    0:17:04 Think about that.
    0:17:08 Guys like Josh Jacobs, really good running back, played on bad teams and still played
    0:17:09 well.
    0:17:12 In his last year with the Raiders, he said, yo, you know, I led the league in rushing
    0:17:15 and it didn’t offer me a contract.
    0:17:19 Can you imagine the world where the quarterback leads the league in passing yards and he don’t
    0:17:21 get offered a contract?
    0:17:26 But on the other hand, I don’t see any Super Bowl winners in the last 20 years with a mediocre
    0:17:29 quarterback, maybe Brad Johnson of the Tampa Bay Bucks.
    0:17:35 I see several with average running backs and really good quarterbacks.
    0:17:39 Is that a reason that the quarterback position is valued more?
    0:17:43 Well, it’s tricky because the few quarterbacks in the last five, six years, these guys been
    0:17:45 like all pro quarterbacks.
    0:17:51 Brady, he’s still one in there, Stafford’s still one in there, Mahomes got three in there.
    0:17:54 These ain’t this regular guys is winning Super Bowl’s.
    0:17:58 In 2019, I was blessed to be with the Kansas City Chiefs and I won a championship with
    0:17:59 them guys.
    0:18:02 Pastor Mahomes have to come back in the fourth quarter to win that game.
    0:18:05 But then I look across the field, we’re playing the Niners.
    0:18:11 The whole week, the game preparation was all we got to do was get the third down.
    0:18:12 Why is that?
    0:18:18 Because we want this quarterback that was paid all this money to throw the ball on third
    0:18:19 down.
    0:18:20 His name was Jimmy G.
    0:18:21 That’s who that was.
    0:18:26 The brother threw like 40 some passes, the whole playoffs and the undrafted running backs
    0:18:27 carried them.
    0:18:31 The quarterback got all the credit for taking to the Super Bowl and he did the bare minimum.
    0:18:33 Oh, we go to New York.
    0:18:41 A dude like Saquon Barkley can be that good and you rather pay Dan Jones.
    0:18:47 How the hell is that fair?
    0:18:52 This pullback here just in case you haven’t been following the recent psychodrama with
    0:18:55 the New York Giants that McCoy was talking about.
    0:18:59 Saquon Barkley is a name that comes up again and again in the argument about the value
    0:19:05 of a running back in part because of the monster season he’s had this year with the Eagles.
    0:19:06 But it’s more interesting than that.
    0:19:11 The Giants took Barkley in the 2018 draft with the second overall pick.
    0:19:15 His five seasons in New York range from good to very good.
    0:19:20 He was hurt a few times and the Giants offensive line was weak, but he was still considered
    0:19:22 a top running back.
    0:19:25 The Giants chose to not offer him a new contract.
    0:19:28 Instead they use what’s called a franchise tag.
    0:19:33 That’s an NFL rule that allows a team to keep a good player for one year at a relatively
    0:19:39 high salary rather than letting him become a free agent and pursue a longer term deal.
    0:19:44 While the Giants had Barkley on this one year hold, they gave their quarterback Daniel
    0:19:49 Jones a four-year contract averaging $40 million a year.
    0:19:53 When Barkley became a free agent, he left the Giants and signed a three-year contract
    0:19:59 with the Philadelphia Eagles for about $12 million a year, so less than a third of what
    0:20:01 Daniel Jones was being paid.
    0:20:05 And how did Jones and Barkley do this year?
    0:20:10 Barkley had one of the best seasons an NFL running back has ever had and his Eagles are
    0:20:11 in the Super Bowl.
    0:20:18 Daniel Jones played so badly that the Giants benched him and then released him.
    0:20:22 Like LeSean McCoy asked, “How is that fair?”
    0:20:24 Well, “fair” may not be the right word.
    0:20:32 The real issue is value, the value of a running play versus the value of a passing play.
    0:20:38 The run-pass balance, it was this perennial question, do teams run too often or they not
    0:20:40 run often enough?
    0:20:45 What is Brian Burke, a sports data scientist with ESPN?
    0:20:49 And so there was this question and so people came along and they started to analyze the
    0:20:52 question and they didn’t really have the right tools.
    0:20:57 So Brian, the reason I was really eager to speak with you is that Roland wrote this piece
    0:21:02 in the Wall Street Journal about the decline of running back salaries.
    0:21:09 And I’ve been told that if we had to point to one person in the universe who is perhaps
    0:21:13 most responsible for that decline, it might be you.
    0:21:16 Do you want to claim that credit or blame?
    0:21:18 I won’t argue against it.
    0:21:25 I was part of a larger movement that I may have been at the forefront of it, but I certainly
    0:21:26 wasn’t alone.
    0:21:29 Describe your role in that larger movement then.
    0:21:35 My role in this was my hobby, which was football stats and what eventually became known as
    0:21:36 analytics.
    0:21:40 Now, football stats were only a hobby at the time because you were a U.S. Navy pilot, correct?
    0:21:41 Yeah.
    0:21:46 Went to flight school, made it into F-18s, flew single-seed fighters for my career in
    0:21:47 the Navy.
    0:21:52 They sent me to Monterey to grad school and that’s where I learned my stats.
    0:21:56 I thought this is completely useless, like how am I ever going to use this in the Navy?
    0:22:00 But once I got out of the Navy, I thought, gosh, the level of analysis in football is
    0:22:01 so bad.
    0:22:04 What were your early jobs between getting out of the Navy and doing what you do now?
    0:22:06 I have to be a little bit careful.
    0:22:08 I live in Northern Virginia.
    0:22:10 I was recruited.
    0:22:11 By something with three letters maybe?
    0:22:15 To do some government stuff for a while that didn’t last too long.
    0:22:17 Your choice or their choice?
    0:22:18 It was complicated.
    0:22:22 I became a single dad and raised two kids, so it was just incompatible.
    0:22:27 But you ended up working around another three-letter institution, the NFL?
    0:22:29 A lot of three letters.
    0:22:34 Most of my time between the Navy and doing football for the day job, I was a defense
    0:22:43 contractor and I was a tactics and strategy expert and instructor and I would shirk all
    0:22:47 my daily responsibilities to crunch football numbers all day long.
    0:22:50 So I’ll tell you the origin story.
    0:22:54 Kind of a water cooler conversation with my good friend, coworker, John Moser.
    0:22:58 The conversation came around to like defense wins championships, right?
    0:23:00 The old standby, you know?
    0:23:01 And I was like, well, does it?
    0:23:02 I don’t know.
    0:23:04 I can’t believe that, but does it really?
    0:23:05 What do people mean by that?
    0:23:10 And I thought, my God, I have this software left over from grad school and, you know,
    0:23:12 they put all the stats online now.
    0:23:14 So this is like 2006.
    0:23:15 I said, hey, you know what?
    0:23:20 We can just download the data and by the end of lunch, we can answer this question forever.
    0:23:24 And that was the genesis of, you know, football analytics for me.
    0:23:27 When I began doing this, I hadn’t read Moneyball.
    0:23:29 I didn’t know that existed.
    0:23:35 It was an advantage because the baseball people tried to put it on the football for a long
    0:23:36 time.
    0:23:40 The kind of tools and the kind of analysis just doesn’t work on football.
    0:23:44 I came from this military background and I’m like, this is war.
    0:23:48 This is zero sum two player game theory.
    0:23:51 And that paradigm took hold.
    0:23:55 In what ways would you say that your military background contributed to the way that you
    0:23:59 frame the questions you’re trying to answer in football?
    0:24:02 There’s this optimization element to it.
    0:24:07 In the same way in the military, you have a mix of strategies.
    0:24:10 It’s not like always do this or always do that.
    0:24:17 You have to be unpredictable in a way that keeps your enemy or your opponent on his heels.
    0:24:23 There’s a famous thinker in military aviation named John Boyd who invented this thing called
    0:24:30 the OODA loop, if you’ve ever heard of that, and keeping the enemy confused and disoriented
    0:24:36 and in a state of ambiguity is one of the goals in American fighting theory.
    0:24:40 Football works the same way.
    0:24:47 So in a war-like setting, when you’re trying to advance into enemy territory, which weapon
    0:24:51 is more valuable, the ground game or the passing game?
    0:24:55 Brian Burke’s analytic approach allowed him to answer that question.
    0:25:00 I was able to build something called expected points and expected points added.
    0:25:05 It’s a point expectancy model based on down distance and yard line.
    0:25:10 Once I built that model, the very first thing I did was just aggregate by play type.
    0:25:16 And it was very, very clear at that moment that passing was far superior to running.
    0:25:19 Teams are running far too often.
    0:25:25 And the way you know that is because if they’re doing each in the optimum mix, the payoffs
    0:25:26 would equalize.
    0:25:31 There would be what people commonly refer to in game theory as like Nash equilibrium.
    0:25:36 As long as you have an intelligent opponent, you can assume that that equilibrium is going
    0:25:38 to be the optimum mix.
    0:25:40 And they were far out of whack.
    0:25:42 From that moment on, we knew that you need to pass more.
    0:25:44 What year was this?
    0:25:50 2008 is when I first did this, but it took years to permeate the football world.
    0:25:52 It was a slow process.
    0:25:53 Let’s back up a bit.
    0:25:59 You don’t have to go back to the 1920s or the 1950s, but pick whatever seems like a
    0:26:05 sensible starting point in modern NFL history and tell me how the running game evolved and
    0:26:08 was eventually superseded by the passing game.
    0:26:12 I think Franco Harris is a good starting point for the modern era.
    0:26:18 That’s where people of our age grew up learning our football, and same with coaches.
    0:26:19 This is the 1970s.
    0:26:22 In those days, passing was very, very difficult.
    0:26:25 So running was a much better strategy.
    0:26:31 And then in 1978, the league massively rewrote the rules that had to do with passing, not
    0:26:39 just illegal contact, the way linemen could pass block radically changed, and the league
    0:26:43 is still catching up to this day in terms of exploiting those rule changes.
    0:26:48 Over time, different systems started to exploit the new rules, then 2004, they changed the
    0:26:49 rules again.
    0:26:55 So over time, the potency of the running game compared to the passing game has decreased
    0:26:56 steadily.
    0:27:04 So the story you’re telling me is simply that football people, including coaches and
    0:27:10 analytics people like you, have been discovering over the years that passing is more valuable
    0:27:11 than running.
    0:27:17 Additionally, the league itself decided over many years to make passing more prominent by
    0:27:18 rule changes.
    0:27:24 And so now we’ve just arrived at this new circumstance where passing is just more valuable
    0:27:26 than running.
    0:27:29 Where does that leave the running back in the modern football economy?
    0:27:32 Well, he’s just not going to be as valuable.
    0:27:35 This star running back is not going to carry you to a Super Bowl.
    0:27:41 It hasn’t happened in generations.
    0:27:45 Could it be that this generation is different?
    0:27:48 And is Saekwon Barkley the difference maker?
    0:27:55 Over the past 20 Super Bowls, the top rusher on the winning team has averaged only 70 yards.
    0:27:58 If you look at the betting markets for this year’s Super Bowl, Barkley is expected to
    0:28:01 gain 115 rushing yards.
    0:28:06 When the Eagles beat the Washington Commanders last week to get into the Super Bowl, Barkley
    0:28:10 ran for 118 yards and three touchdowns.
    0:28:15 This led Fox Sports announcer Kevin Burkhart to call the Eagles pickup of Barkley, “one
    0:28:18 of the best free agent signings of all time.”
    0:28:23 Still, the Eagles’ opponent in the upcoming Super Bowl, the Kansas City Chiefs, are going
    0:28:28 for their third Super Bowl in a row, which would be a record, and their fourth win in
    0:28:30 six years.
    0:28:35 Even a casual football fan can name the Chiefs starting quarterback Patrick Mahomes and their
    0:28:40 super-study tight end Travis Kelsey, who is even better known for dating Taylor Swift.
    0:28:46 But can you name the running backs who helped the Chiefs win all these Super Bowls?
    0:28:47 Probably not.
    0:28:50 They’ve been practically interchangeable, most of them earning between one and three
    0:28:58 million dollars a year compared to Kelsey’s 17 million and Mahomes’s 45 million.
    0:29:02 You may be thinking, “I understand that running backs have become somewhat less valuable,
    0:29:06 but are they really that much less valuable?”
    0:29:11 The answer to that question has to do with something that happened in 2011.
    0:29:17 The average fan doesn’t fully appreciate that the NFL is a huge business.
    0:29:22 Just coming up, after the break, I’m Stephen Dubner, and you were listening to Freakonomics
    0:29:35 Radio.
    0:29:40 Back in September, at the start of the NFL season, the Economist Roland Friar and I decided
    0:29:46 to team up to try to learn why running back salaries have fallen so much since their heyday.
    0:29:51 These are driven in part by where a player is selected in the NFL draft.
    0:29:57 In 1990, 12 running backs were taken in the first two rounds of the draft.
    0:30:00 This year, there was one.
    0:30:02 So what’s driving this decline?
    0:30:08 We’ve already heard about the analytics revolution that showed the value of passing versus running.
    0:30:13 We’ve heard about rule changes the NFL adopted to privilege the passing game, but there was
    0:30:20 another big change in 2011 that shook things up for NFL rookies generally and running backs
    0:30:21 in particular.
    0:30:25 The team has control of you for five years.
    0:30:27 That is Robert Turbin.
    0:30:32 He was an NFL running back for four teams over eight seasons, including a Super Bowl win with
    0:30:33 the Seattle Seahawks.
    0:30:37 Today, he does football commentary for CBS Sports.
    0:30:39 Roland Friar spoke with him.
    0:30:42 Why do you think the running back market is so challenging today?
    0:30:45 Number one, the CBA.
    0:30:50 That’s the meat and potatoes of the conversation when it comes to the running backs.
    0:30:56 The CBA is a collective bargaining agreement, the contract between NFL teams and the NFL
    0:31:00 Players Association, the union that represents the athletes.
    0:31:07 The negotiations over a CBA are long and often contentious as they establish pay standards
    0:31:09 and other terms for years to come.
    0:31:15 The current CBA was agreed to in 2020 and runs through the 2030 season.
    0:31:18 The one before that went into effect in 2011.
    0:31:24 Overall, the 2011 CBA was a lucrative affair for the players.
    0:31:29 Their share of league revenues rose from 42% to 47%.
    0:31:33 But that agreement also came with some restrictions for rookies.
    0:31:38 Before 2011, a drafted player could freely negotiate a contract with the team that chose
    0:31:39 him.
    0:31:44 That led to some bad deals for teams when the player didn’t play well or got hurt.
    0:31:51 The 2011 agreement created a rookie wage scale that set contract terms based on draft order.
    0:31:56 It also mandated a four-year contract with a cost-controlled fifth-year option that their
    0:31:58 team could exercise.
    0:32:03 This structure is still in place today, and that’s what Robert Turbin is talking about
    0:32:08 when he tells Roland Friar that the team has control of you for five years.
    0:32:15 What happens is you come into the league as a 22-year-old rookie, and basically, you are
    0:32:23 handcuffed for five years, so realistically, you don’t have an opportunity to re-up or
    0:32:28 get a second contract until you’re 27 years old.
    0:32:32 For some positions in football, including quarterback, a player is just coming into
    0:32:35 his prime at age 27.
    0:32:38 That is not the case for running backs.
    0:32:44 By the time you’re 27 years old, if you’ve carried the ball 250 times per year, they’re
    0:32:49 going to look at those numbers and say, “Well, he may not have it the way he used to.
    0:32:52 That may not be true for most running backs.
    0:32:54 It is true for some.”
    0:33:01 The CBA is really what devalued the position, because let’s say you were able to get out
    0:33:07 of that contract or re-up out of that contract after three years.
    0:33:14 Now you’re a 25-year-old back still in his prime with an opportunity to maximize on economics
    0:33:17 from a contractual standpoint.
    0:33:22 It seems like there is some relationship between the CBA and durability, which is if you’ve
    0:33:25 got to wait for five years, and as you say, you’ve carried the ball all this number of
    0:33:29 times, then executives are going to look at that and say, “How much more does he have
    0:33:30 in the tank?”
    0:33:33 So durability is part of it through the CBA, right?
    0:33:34 100%.
    0:33:38 I mean, five years is, that’s obviously not a full career.
    0:33:43 That’s not the type of career you would imagine for yourself, but we know that the average
    0:33:44 is less than three.
    0:33:48 I was fortunate to play eight for a back.
    0:33:50 That’s pretty damn good.
    0:33:57 I’ll never forget when I was in Indianapolis, this was 2017.
    0:34:04 I’m 27 years old, and I’m talking to a scout from another team, and I dislocated my elbow
    0:34:08 in week six of that year, so I was coming back.
    0:34:09 He asked me, he says, “How old are you?”
    0:34:10 I said, “I’m 27.”
    0:34:11 He said, “Oh, okay.”
    0:34:14 So he got about another year or so left, and I said, “What?”
    0:34:17 Like, “What are you talking about?”
    0:34:22 But that’s the thought process for a lot of executives until proven wrong.
    0:34:32 It’s almost like you’re guilty until proven innocent as a running back.
    0:34:38 If you go back 20 years, the average career length for an NFL running back was around
    0:34:40 five and a half years.
    0:34:45 That number started dropping right around the 2011 collective bargaining agreement, and
    0:34:50 today the average length is around two and a half years.
    0:34:53 Let’s hear now from another former running back, Robert Smith.
    0:34:58 Like Robert Turbin, Smith played for eight years, all of his were with the Minnesota
    0:34:59 Vikings.
    0:35:01 Smith retired after the 2000 season.
    0:35:06 It was always kind of a badge of honor to play the position because it is a very physical
    0:35:13 position, and there are times when you have to block players that outweigh you by a large
    0:35:14 amount.
    0:35:16 It’s not for the faint of heart.
    0:35:20 Today Smith calls NFL and college games for Fox Sports.
    0:35:24 His reverence for the running back position goes deep.
    0:35:28 Only the quarterback has the ball in their hands more, and so you have, I think, one
    0:35:33 of the greatest opportunities to impact the outcome of a game on every running play.
    0:35:38 11 guys are trying to hit the same person, and that’s the guy who has the ball.
    0:35:43 It’s the challenging part, but it’s also the rewarding part that you were able to get
    0:35:44 by them.
    0:35:49 I hold the NFL record for the longest average per touchdown running, more than 26 yards.
    0:35:56 And I got to tell you, it’s a feeling that I wish everybody could experience when you
    0:36:02 break into the open and you know you’re going to score a touchdown.
    0:36:09 It’s like when you’re leaning back in a chair and you almost tip and fall, and you get this
    0:36:12 rush of adrenaline.
    0:36:19 It’s like this sudden burst of excitement that I’m about to score a touchdown.
    0:36:25 Those occasional bursts of excitement are, of course, offset by thousands of hours of
    0:36:28 training and by the physical punishment.
    0:36:34 I tore my ACL my rookie season, but in that injury I also broke the bottom of my femur
    0:36:39 and did some damage to the articular cartilage, which is the smooth cartilage that’s on the
    0:36:42 tip of the bone, and I needed to have a microfracture.
    0:36:47 It’s a procedure where they tap on the exposed surface of the bone, and then I needed to
    0:36:50 have that again after my last season in the league.
    0:36:56 So there I was a couple of months shy of my 29th birthday, but it was the only season
    0:37:02 I didn’t miss any games, and I still needed to have knee surgery after the year.
    0:37:07 And the thing that I said was, you know, if you would pay any amount of money to get your
    0:37:11 health back if you lost it, then what amount of money is worth the very real chance that
    0:37:12 you’ll lose it?
    0:37:15 It was the calculation that was going on in my head.
    0:37:16 That’s why I left the game when I did.
    0:37:25 I’m thinking quite literally it’s better to walk away early than to limp away late.
    0:37:29 Robert Smith had a lot of reasons to walk away, a lot of things beyond football that
    0:37:30 excited him.
    0:37:36 He is an amateur astronomer, a prolific reader, and in addition to his broadcasting duties,
    0:37:43 he is working on a health and wellness startup, plus which he made good money as a younger
    0:37:44 man.
    0:37:47 His final contract paid him $25 million over five years.
    0:37:54 In his last season, the best of his career, he ranked second in the NFL in rushing yards.
    0:37:59 But it was clear by then that running back money was drying up.
    0:38:04 Every team has a league imposed salary cap, and they’re constantly trying to figure out
    0:38:09 which players they can give less money to in order to give more money to the players
    0:38:11 they think they cannot win without.
    0:38:15 And running backs had fallen off the cannot win without list.
    0:38:21 Over the past few decades, NFL revenues have more than doubled to about $20 billion a year.
    0:38:26 Since players get a percentage share of revenues, that means the overall player pool has also
    0:38:27 more than doubled.
    0:38:31 But running backs have barely shared in that gain.
    0:38:37 The pay for running backs and full backs over the past two decades has risen around 11 percent.
    0:38:43 For all other offensive positions, salaries have risen at least 90 percent.
    0:38:46 If you don’t believe me, just ask an agent.
    0:38:51 Jeffrey Whitney, I am one of the founders and president at the Sports and Entertainment
    0:38:57 Group, a full-service sports agency in Washington, D.C., been doing it for 20-plus years.
    0:39:00 So how many athletes do you represent now, your firm?
    0:39:03 We represent about 40 NFL players at any given time.
    0:39:06 So we’re one of the larger agencies.
    0:39:11 It would appear to me that an agent is busy and important when you’re making a deal,
    0:39:15 but I don’t know how much maintenance that deal requires as time goes on.
    0:39:21 Can you just talk about in the life cycle of an athlete, how involved are you?
    0:39:26 We’re involved in every aspect of our client’s lives on a daily basis.
    0:39:31 We spend probably the least amount of time actually negotiating contracts.
    0:39:37 I’m a family therapist, a relationship therapist, some type of preacher or pastor would need
    0:39:38 me.
    0:39:39 Financial advisor?
    0:39:42 Financial advisor, just day-to-day counselor.
    0:39:43 That’s what I love doing.
    0:39:44 No day is the same.
    0:39:49 I got up today and I get a call from a player who’s injured.
    0:39:50 So I have to deal with that.
    0:39:55 I get a call from a player who’s moving and he needs to be guiding in the right direction.
    0:39:59 Playing players, they’ll call me and ask me what TV they should purchase.
    0:40:04 We’re in many ways with these young people involved with them in a very intimate and
    0:40:05 deep fashion.
    0:40:11 Among agents that represent NFL players, what would you say that you’re most known for?
    0:40:14 In the past, we were actually known as the Running Back Agency.
    0:40:19 We’ve represented more running backs over the last 20 years than any other agency.
    0:40:20 Name some for me.
    0:40:26 Maurice Jones-Drew, Matt Forte, Tevin Coleman, Jordan Howard, James White, Sweet Feet from
    0:40:32 New England, Kendall Hunter, Levy-Anne Bell, Michael Carter.
    0:40:35 We have Cody Schrader this year who’s now with the Rams.
    0:40:38 Do you still represent the same share of running backs?
    0:40:40 We have pared down.
    0:40:49 The market has spoken and over the last few years, we got into the receiver cornerback,
    0:40:50 that kind of market.
    0:40:55 We never got out of the business of representing running backs, but we did start shaping our
    0:40:56 roster a little bit.
    0:40:59 I don’t mean to accuse you of chasing the money yourselves.
    0:41:03 You say you’re responding to the market, but in a case like this where you guys were known
    0:41:09 as a running back agency and then the market for running backs changes really pretty dramatically.
    0:41:11 I mean, who ends up representing the running backs?
    0:41:15 Just different agents who are starting out, who don’t have as much luxury to pick their
    0:41:16 roster.
    0:41:18 The way you guys do, is that the way it works?
    0:41:19 That’s exactly what you saw.
    0:41:25 There were agents during the last few years who just didn’t represent running backs at
    0:41:30 all and they were literally running backs in the market looking for representation.
    0:41:31 There’s a supply and demand issue.
    0:41:35 There are more running backs than positions.
    0:41:40 It is a position where you can find really good players all across the draft and after
    0:41:41 the draft.
    0:41:44 There also is this, the running quarterback.
    0:41:48 You can look at the total number of yards that a team has.
    0:41:52 Now, a lot of that yardage is coming, not from the running backs, but it’s coming from
    0:41:53 the quarterback.
    0:41:58 So now, probably half the league has quarterbacks who can run as well as the running back.
    0:42:03 What about rule changes that facilitated an opening up of the passing game?
    0:42:10 The average fan sometimes doesn’t fully appreciate that the NFL is a huge business.
    0:42:12 It is a business at the highest level.
    0:42:17 It’s $20 billion, it’ll go to $25, the ultimate goal I’m hearing it’s going to be a $50 billion
    0:42:20 industry in the next 10 years.
    0:42:26 I think we’ve seen over the last 10 years kind of a cultural shift, not just in the
    0:42:28 NFL, but across sports.
    0:42:33 As fans, we simply see the outcome of the game and we don’t really understand that at
    0:42:38 the end of the day, these are corporations that are going to be responsive to their shareholders
    0:42:39 and consumers.
    0:42:41 And the NFL is no different.
    0:42:45 People like to see the ball in the air, the acrobatic catches and the leaps.
    0:42:47 The fans want to see loan balls.
    0:42:49 They want to see passing.
    0:42:53 I still can watch a 10 to seven game, a defensive battle.
    0:42:58 The best player is the middle linebacker and the running back and I’m happy with that.
    0:43:02 But for the younger generation, absolutely boring.
    0:43:08 We can talk supply and demand, we can talk the running quarterback and those all do have
    0:43:12 some influence in the devaluation for the running back position.
    0:43:17 Ultimately, if we really dig down and look at root causes, it’s really the corporation,
    0:43:22 the actual NFL, responding to their consumer base and what their consumer base wants to
    0:43:23 see.
    0:43:28 When you say that the NFL responded to what the market wants, give me some specific examples
    0:43:34 of how the league has added leverage to make passing more prominent, either passing and
    0:43:37 or quarterback play more prominent.
    0:43:41 You’ve seen a ton of rule changes, obviously, to make it a higher scoring game with more
    0:43:43 offense.
    0:43:48 The defenses have been handicapped, the pass interference rules.
    0:43:52 You can’t hit the quarterback, some of the rules are good for the safety of the players.
    0:43:57 But certainly the root of the reason it’s to increase the scoring and the way you do
    0:43:59 that is through passing.
    0:44:02 Let’s talk about injuries and perishability generally.
    0:44:07 Just talk about the physical punishment that comes along with running back position where
    0:44:09 it ranks with other offensive players.
    0:44:10 Make no mistake about it.
    0:44:18 The running back is the most violent position in the most violent sport on the planet.
    0:44:20 Running backs are getting hit on every play.
    0:44:22 In pass protection, they’re getting hit.
    0:44:29 You’ve got a running back who’s 5’10”, 215 pounds, and he’s blocking a 325-pound defensive
    0:44:30 lineman.
    0:44:34 The defensive players are getting bigger and faster every year.
    0:44:38 That physicality for the running back is real.
    0:44:43 The likelihood of a running back getting through the season unscathed, no injuries, is slim
    0:44:44 to none.
    0:44:53 For a lot of teams, because of that, they go with running backs by committee.
    0:44:57 What Whitney is talking about here when he says running backs by committee is when teams
    0:45:03 substitute in multiple players throughout the game or the season to share the workload.
    0:45:07 Here again is Brian Burke, the ESPN analyst.
    0:45:10 I think that’s one of the core developments that’s affected the running back position
    0:45:15 is that teams have realized that you don’t necessarily need a great running back.
    0:45:17 What you need is a great running game.
    0:45:23 I think when most people watch football, they see the quarterback hand the ball to the running
    0:45:29 back who, when a play succeeds, he gets through the line and then keeps running and gains
    0:45:32 a bunch of yards and finally gets tackled.
    0:45:36 They think, “Oh my God, that running back is so talented.”
    0:45:39 Imagine what’s actually happening to make that run a success.
    0:45:45 Yeah, there’s going to be eight or nine blocks that are all essential.
    0:45:49 You need these kind of consecutive miracles for a run play to really work.
    0:45:54 Coaches will draw them up and it looks perfect on the whiteboard, but then in the chaos of
    0:46:00 the game, so many things have to go right for it to work, but when it does, it’s beautiful.
    0:46:04 And then the people executing those blocks, let’s just talk about the offensive line.
    0:46:09 There’s one running back who carries the ball, who succeeds, but then there are five or six
    0:46:13 other guys who are probably averaging what, around 290 pounds on the offensive line.
    0:46:16 Oh gosh, probably more now, yeah.
    0:46:20 Some football fans really do pay attention to offensive linemen, but really it’s mostly
    0:46:24 their moms, but there are a lot of them that are necessary for it to work.
    0:46:27 So what does that mean about the market?
    0:46:33 The way to think about it is the line and the blocking and the scheme are responsible
    0:46:37 for the first three or four yards of a game on a run play.
    0:46:43 And then from there on, it’s the elusiveness of the running back.
    0:46:48 It’s like a threshold system where if I have a good enough line to get a running back out
    0:46:54 to three, four, five yards, now he’s into the secondary and it’s up to him to make defenders
    0:46:58 miss their tackles and then you get these big explosive games.
    0:47:03 So if you want to improve your running game, you don’t go out and just get a great running
    0:47:04 back.
    0:47:09 I would say start with the offensive line, make sure you’re calling good plays, and
    0:47:15 then the cherry on top might be a start running back.
    0:47:20 Coming up after the break, do running backs have any chance of returning to their previous
    0:47:21 glory?
    0:47:23 Everything is cyclical, right?
    0:47:26 If you keep those bell bottoms long enough, they’ll come back.
    0:47:27 I’m Stephen Dubner.
    0:47:43 This is Freakonomics Radio, and we will come back right after this.
    0:47:48 Most of us don’t respond well when something is taken away from us.
    0:47:53 Psychologists like to talk about loss aversion, the fact that we feel more pain from loss
    0:47:57 than we feel pleasure from a gain of the same size.
    0:48:03 Well imagine being an athlete who’s been working hard since age five or six, driven
    0:48:09 by the very slim hope that you might live out your dream and become an NFL running back
    0:48:15 only to succeed and discover that your position has been downgraded.
    0:48:20 An elite running back in the NFL can still make millions of dollars, but keep in mind
    0:48:27 that, A, running back careers are short, and B, many of your teammates will be making more
    0:48:29 millions than you.
    0:48:32 So what are your options?
    0:48:34 You could stage a holdout.
    0:48:40 That’s what both Saquon Barkley and Josh Jacobs did in 2023, sitting out training camp after
    0:48:45 being franchise tagged by their respective teams, the New York Giants and the Las Vegas
    0:48:47 Raiders.
    0:48:51 Both of them left their teams at the end of the season and both have prospered with their
    0:48:56 new teams, Barkley with the Eagles and Jacobs with the Green Bay Packers.
    0:48:59 But a holdout doesn’t always go as planned.
    0:49:03 In 2018, Pittsburgh Steelers running back Levyon Bell, one of the best backs in the league
    0:49:09 at the time, held out for the entire season rather than play under a franchise tag.
    0:49:13 Here again is Brian Burke, the ESPN data scientist.
    0:49:21 By holding out, he cut his career short, maybe not by a full year, but a lot of the perishability
    0:49:25 is just age-based, not necessarily wear and tear-based.
    0:49:30 The effect can be very slight, but the next guy up who costs a fraction of what Levyon
    0:49:36 wants to be paid, like I would much rather pay a million dollars for 95% of what Levyon
    0:49:40 Bell is than pay $15 million for 100%.
    0:49:44 He got a big money contract with the Jets, but then he wasn’t very good there, then
    0:49:46 his career was kind of over.
    0:49:51 What would you have advised him when he was doing really well with the Steelers on his
    0:49:52 rookie contract?
    0:49:55 I would have advised him to just take what he can get.
    0:49:57 It’s outside of his control.
    0:50:02 I understand what he’s trying to accomplish, but he’s just up against reality.
    0:50:04 He’s lucky to find the Jets.
    0:50:10 If there’s one foolish team out of 32 that’s going to overpay you, then it only takes one.
    0:50:12 And it’s usually the Jets, to be honest.
    0:50:14 He found that one for sure.
    0:50:18 Bell’s agent at the time was Jeffrey Whitney, who we heard from earlier.
    0:50:23 He told us he didn’t want to discuss the Bell situation.
    0:50:28 Beyond a holdout, what other options are available to dissatisfied running backs?
    0:50:34 A few years ago, there was an attempt at creating a carveout, a running back specific labor
    0:50:39 designation proposed by a group called the International Brotherhood of Professional
    0:50:41 Running Backs.
    0:50:46 They petitioned the NLRB, the National Labor Relations Board, for what labor lawyers call
    0:50:48 a unit clarification.
    0:50:53 They argued that the unique physical demands of the running back position set them apart
    0:50:57 from other football players, and that they should therefore be allowed to break away from
    0:51:01 the NFL players’ union and negotiate on their own.
    0:51:06 A clever idea, maybe, but the NLRB rejected their request.
    0:51:11 I asked Robert Smith, the former Vikings running back, what he thought of this idea.
    0:51:19 Well, as you guys have talked about in countless episodes on Freakonomics, you have to be
    0:51:25 very careful about trying to change one variable in a system without impacting the system in
    0:51:32 a way that you haven’t anticipated, and ultimately, the market is going to decide where they value
    0:51:38 players the most and where that money is going to make the most sense for that team.
    0:51:44 So if carveouts and holdouts aren’t the answer, how about a good old-fashioned running back
    0:51:46 Zoom call?
    0:51:52 In 2023, Austin Eckler, now with the Washington Commanders, organized a Zoom with other top
    0:51:58 running backs, including Barkley, Jacobs, Christian McCaffrey, and Nick Chubb, to discuss the
    0:52:00 state of their position.
    0:52:04 “Right now, there’s really nothing we can do,” Chubb said afterward.
    0:52:06 “We’re kind of handcuffed with the situation.
    0:52:10 We are the only position that our production hurts us.
    0:52:14 If we go out there and run 2,000 yards, the next year they’re going to say, ‘You’re probably
    0:52:15 worn down.’”
    0:52:22 Still, it’s worth wondering, given the exceptional season that Saquon Barkley had with the Eagles,
    0:52:29 if he also has a great Superbowl and the Eagles beat the Chiefs, maybe the NFL will fall back
    0:52:31 in love with the running back?
    0:52:36 The last couple of years, you’re seeing a little bit of resurgence in the running game.
    0:52:37 Everything is cyclical, right?
    0:52:40 If you keep those bell bottoms long enough, they’ll come back.
    0:52:43 That again is the sports agent, Jeffrey Whitney.
    0:52:47 You ask a running back, what’s the most important duty that they have?
    0:52:50 The vast majority will be like running the football, and it’s not.
    0:52:53 It’s past protection and catching the ball, and running is part of it.
    0:52:57 I think we’re seeing some young running backs again who can do it all, can catch it, can
    0:53:00 run it, good and past protection.
    0:53:07 Let’s say you have a relative or a family friend who’s 11, 12 years old, great athlete.
    0:53:11 What would you tell that kid if they’re hoping for a long career in the NFL?
    0:53:14 Do you say, “Get the heck out of the running back position?”
    0:53:18 I tell them to become a long snapper.
    0:53:22 I tell them to become a specialist, a long snapper or a kicker.
    0:53:23 You play forever.
    0:53:25 You don’t get touched.
    0:53:27 That’s what I would advise them to do.
    0:53:35 If you’re not going to be the quarterback, be the long snapper or be the kicker.
    0:53:39 We once made an episode about the economics of the long snapper position.
    0:53:44 It’s called, “Why does the most monotonous job in the world pay $1 million?”
    0:53:51 Episode 493, if you want to listen, as for running backs, LeSean McCoy, the six-time
    0:53:55 pro bowler, was more optimistic about their future.
    0:53:57 Here he is again talking with Roland Fryer.
    0:53:59 Now, it’s a copycat league.
    0:54:03 If the Eagles are going to win the Super Bowl, they want to copycat that.
    0:54:07 You look at some of the better teams, they got good running back play.
    0:54:10 The Packers, are they even a playoff team without Josh Jacobs?
    0:54:11 I look at the Eagles.
    0:54:12 I’m going to love the Eagles.
    0:54:14 We got a lot of talent on that team.
    0:54:18 Are we the same, though, if Saquon Barker is not there?
    0:54:20 Look at the Ravens.
    0:54:22 Lamar Jackson was at MVP last year.
    0:54:23 This year, they look totally different.
    0:54:25 What’s the difference?
    0:54:26 Derek Henry.
    0:54:29 That’s why you see Lamar Jackson throwing the ball, but he’s ever thrown before.
    0:54:30 You play action.
    0:54:32 Who do I guard?
    0:54:36 I feel like the market has to go up because these players are earning these things.
    0:54:40 Owners see that because one thing about owners, they want to make their money and they want
    0:54:41 to win.
    0:54:44 There is some evidence to back up McCoy’s optimism.
    0:54:48 In recent years, the running game has recovered a bit.
    0:54:54 In 2016, only 40.6% of the plays from Scrimmage were run plays.
    0:54:55 That was a 20-year low.
    0:54:59 This year, it was 43.4% run plays.
    0:55:04 I asked Robert Smith, the former Vikings running back, what he thought of this uptick.
    0:55:07 I’d be interested to see the breakdown.
    0:55:08 Number one, is it running backs?
    0:55:10 Is it quarterbacks?
    0:55:15 You have more quarterbacks that can run the football, and they’re extremely difficult
    0:55:20 to stop, whether it’s Lamar Jackson, even Patrick Mahomes, Josh Allen.
    0:55:24 You’re going to have some guys that made distort those numbers.
    0:55:29 Some of it’s selection bias because the better teams are constructed in a way where they
    0:55:34 can run the football in the red zone the way they want to, and then they have the lead,
    0:55:36 and so they’re going to get more runs that way.
    0:55:42 Is it possible that there might be somewhat of a return to the retro world of run first?
    0:55:44 I don’t think so.
    0:55:48 It goes back to the point of what it takes on a running play.
    0:55:54 A lot of people would point to Saquon Barkley and Derek Henry, and those guys are outliers.
    0:55:58 Look at what Saquon Barkley did with the Giants last year.
    0:56:00 Look what Derek Henry did with Tennessee last year.
    0:56:04 Look what they’re doing with their new teams this year with Philadelphia and the Ravens.
    0:56:07 The offensive lines are just that much better.
    0:56:12 It almost proves the point the other way that, yeah, well, of course, you put these guys
    0:56:15 behind the great offensive lines.
    0:56:21 Saquon Barkley in particular, he set a record for a number of yards before first contact
    0:56:22 this year.
    0:56:27 When you look at the performance of running backs, there’s no way that it would be significant
    0:56:32 enough where everybody would say, “Well, all we got to do is go get a Saquon Barkley.
    0:56:34 All we got to do is go get a Derek Henry.”
    0:56:39 Oh, and by the way, it didn’t work for those guys behind those other offensive lines.
    0:56:45 So you’re still going to have to spend the money to get the offensive line in place that’s
    0:56:51 going to allow those guys to have Saquon Barkley-like numbers or Derek Henry-like numbers.
    0:56:56 Brian Burke of ESPN agrees with Smith that Henry and Barkley are the exceptions that
    0:57:02 prove the rule, but his reasoning is different, and it goes back to his military training.
    0:57:04 The concept is intransitivity.
    0:57:07 There is no one superior tactic.
    0:57:08 It’s circular.
    0:57:13 The other 31 teams are all chasing pass blockers and receivers and throwers and everything,
    0:57:17 and there’s a whole bunch of run blockers and running backs left on the table.
    0:57:18 There’s inefficiencies.
    0:57:22 I’m going to go grab them, and I’m going to be the best running team they’ve ever seen,
    0:57:25 and they’re going to be unprepared for us, and that’s going to be pretty effective, but
    0:57:30 only one or two teams can get away with that.
    0:57:37 I went back to my economist friend and co-host, Roland Fryer, and I asked him if a young running
    0:57:39 back came to him for advice, what would he say?
    0:57:40 Learn how to throw.
    0:57:46 I mean, I don’t know what you want me to say.
    0:57:51 When market demand changes, particularly in something as intricate as the NFL, then certain
    0:57:57 positions will be more or less valued, and going in, people will expect that.
    0:58:01 The other option would be to say, when you do get the ball, run further.
    0:58:02 Exactly.
    0:58:03 Be more productive.
    0:58:08 And yet, the end of your Wall Street Journal piece goes like this.
    0:58:12 The economist in me likes the results, meaning the results of your analysis, finding that
    0:58:17 running backs get paid less because they’re less valuable, relatively.
    0:58:21 But you write, the kid in me hopes for a running back renaissance.
    0:58:22 That’s right.
    0:58:27 So as you know, as cool, calm, and collected, and economist acting as you are right now saying,
    0:58:31 “Come on, the market is the market,” there’s part of you emotionally that’s attached to
    0:58:32 my argument.
    0:58:33 A hundred percent.
    0:58:37 This duality has lived in me since I became an economist.
    0:58:42 But you didn’t ask Juju, the kid from Daytona, to advise the players.
    0:58:49 But as an economist, again, this is all being driven by market forces.
    0:58:54 Market forces are real, but are they unstoppable?
    0:58:59 And what happens when they meet an immovable object, or even better, an object in motion,
    0:59:05 like Saquon Barkley, who also appears to be unstoppable?
    0:59:06 We’ll find out soon.
    0:59:11 Thanks to Roland Fryer for inspiring and collaborating on this episode.
    0:59:12 He was right.
    0:59:14 It was a lot of fun.
    0:59:19 And big thanks to all our guests, LeSean McCoy, Robert Smith, Robert Turbin, Jeffrey Whitney,
    0:59:20 and Brian Burke.
    0:59:26 They all did a great job explaining a complicated game that many of us love, but which many
    0:59:29 others are often baffled by.
    0:59:32 And thanks especially to you for listening.
    0:59:35 Coming up next time on the show.
    0:59:39 Professional licensing is too onerous for certain professions.
    0:59:42 And it just makes the barriers too high.
    0:59:48 And then, for the professions that are left, medicine, nursing, law, now we need something
    0:59:50 like a licensing board.
    0:59:52 Only what we have is terrible.
    0:59:57 The legal scholar Rebecca Hall-Allensworth has just published a book called The Licensing
    0:59:58 Racket.
    1:00:02 How we decide who is allowed to work and why it goes wrong.
    1:00:05 That’s next time on the show.
    1:00:07 Until then, take care of yourself.
    1:00:09 And if you can, someone else do.
    1:00:12 Freakonomics Radio is produced by Stitcher and Renbud Radio.
    1:00:18 You can find our entire archive on any podcast app, also at Freakonomics.com, where we publish
    1:00:20 transcripts and show notes.
    1:00:23 This episode was produced by Teo Jacobs.
    1:00:28 The Freakonomics Radio network staff also includes Alina Kullman, Augusta Chapman, Dalvin
    1:00:33 Abouaji, Eleanor Osborne, Ellen Frankman, Elsa Hernandez, Gabriel Roth, Greg Rippin, Jasmine
    1:00:40 Klinger, Jeremy Johnston, John Schnarrs, Morgan Levy, Neil Coruth, Sarah Lilly, and Zach Lipinski.
    1:00:45 Our theme song is Mr. Fortune by the Hitchhikers, and our composer is Luis Guerra.
    1:00:53 Do you want to get married?
    1:00:58 I can’t marry anyone who I can’t run faster than backwards.
    1:00:59 So that’s a no.
    1:01:00 I don’t know.
    1:01:01 I’ve had a series of knee injuries.
    1:01:02 You might be able to get me now.
    1:01:07 Yeah, but I’ve had a series of birthdays.
    1:01:17 The Freakonomics Radio network, the hidden side of everything.
    1:01:17 Stitcher.
    1:01:20 (gentle music)
    1:01:22 you

    They used to be the N.F.L.’s biggest stars, with paychecks to match. Now their salaries are near the bottom, and their careers are shorter than ever. We speak with an analytics guru, an agent, some former running backs (including LeSean McCoy), and the economist Roland Fryer (a former Pop Warner running back himself) to understand why.

     

    • SOURCES:
      • Brian Burke, sports data scientist at ESPN
      • Roland Fryer, professor of economics at Harvard University
      • LeSean McCoy, former running back in the N.F.L. and co-host for Fox’s daily studio show, “The Facility”
      • Robert Smith, former running back for the Minnesota Vikings and N.F.L. analyst
      • Robert Turbin, former running back, N.F.L. analyst for CBS Sports HQ, and college football announcer
      • Jeffery Whitney, founder and president at The Sports & Entertainment Group

     

     

  • YAPClassic: Donald Miller on How To Make Your First Million in Business

    AI transcript
    0:00:06 Today’s episode is sponsored in part by Robinhood Airbnb Open Phone Rocket Money and Indeed.
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    0:01:20 As always, you can find all of our incredible deals in the show notes or at youngandprofiting.com/deals.
    0:01:22 Welcome back, Young and Profiters.
    0:01:26 Have you ever wondered what separates successful small businesses from those that struggle
    0:01:27 to gain traction?
    0:01:32 Today on YAP Classic, we’re showcasing an interview I did with Donald Miller, the host
    0:01:38 of the Business Made Simple podcast, as well as a bestselling author and CEO of Storybrand.
    0:01:43 In this episode, we unpack the secrets of building a thriving entrepreneurial venture.
    0:01:46 This conversation was back in 2023.
    0:01:50 It was the third time that Donald came on the show, and he had so many incredible tips
    0:01:52 for building out a small business.
    0:01:57 We talked about everything from crafting the perfect mission statement, when to be financially
    0:02:02 transparent with your team, and why most businesses fail today.
    0:02:06 He also explained why you should think of your business as an airplane.
    0:02:10 Okay, gang, make sure your seats are back and tray tables are in their full upright
    0:02:17 position because this episode is about to take off.
    0:02:21 So Donald, my team tells me your new book, How to Grow Your Small Business, has already
    0:02:25 sold more copies in a pre-sale than any other book that you’ve ever written.
    0:02:27 So that’s incredible.
    0:02:29 And I think it’s a hot topic, right?
    0:02:30 The economy is not doing so well.
    0:02:32 I think a lot of businesses are struggling.
    0:02:34 So let’s begin there.
    0:02:36 Why are so many small businesses failing?
    0:02:40 Well, I’ll tell you how it all started for me, and it started with failure.
    0:02:44 So failure is only a bad thing if you let it take you down, but if you let yourself learn
    0:02:46 from it, you can get somewhere.
    0:02:52 I actually, 11 years ago, lost all of my money, my entire life savings, and a bad investment.
    0:02:54 I had paid off my house.
    0:02:55 I sold my house to buy another house.
    0:02:59 The other house sold, so I was sitting on a pile of cash, put it into an investment,
    0:03:04 woke up one Monday morning, and my entire life savings was gone, and it was devastating.
    0:03:13 11 years later, I had a $17 million company with more than 50% profit, 30 employees, and
    0:03:15 life was very, very different.
    0:03:19 And one of the main reasons it was different, and one of the main reasons I think businesses
    0:03:26 either succeed or fail, is I 100% took 100% ownership of my career and my life and my
    0:03:27 business.
    0:03:31 Everything that negative happened, I took ownership of, everything positive happened,
    0:03:32 I took ownership of.
    0:03:34 I didn’t trust other people to make me money anymore.
    0:03:40 And by that, I mean agents and speaking managers and the market, none of that stuff.
    0:03:42 I took ownership of it.
    0:03:47 And so as you talk about the economy struggling, that’s the economy.
    0:03:49 Your economy is different.
    0:03:55 So the economy has factors like trade wars with China, the war in Ukraine, all those
    0:03:57 kinds of things.
    0:03:59 Your economy is hardly affected by any of that.
    0:04:03 It might be slightly, but most of us is hardly affected by any of that.
    0:04:05 It’s actually more affected by our attitude.
    0:04:10 And if we take ownership of our economy, our economy can do incredibly well.
    0:04:16 So as I went from $0 to $17 million, I did a rough count, Hala.
    0:04:22 I think I did 572 things wrong, and I did six things right.
    0:04:26 So the book, How to Grow Your Small Business, is about the six things I did right.
    0:04:30 So the book really walks through, and I turn those six things into six steps that you need
    0:04:35 to overhaul your business and optimize it for revenue and profit.
    0:04:39 And I just laid it out so nobody has to make the 570 mistakes that I made.
    0:04:40 Yeah.
    0:04:44 And I love your work, Donald, because you always just tell things in a way that’s easy
    0:04:45 to retain.
    0:04:46 You write so clearly.
    0:04:47 It’s no fluff.
    0:04:48 So I was reading through this book, and I’m like, “This is great.
    0:04:51 I want to align everything I do with my business for this book.”
    0:04:55 Because I also have a small business, so I really relate it to it.
    0:04:57 Let’s go back to this question of why businesses fail.
    0:05:02 You talk about an S-curve in your book, and essentially it’s a growth pattern that a lot
    0:05:03 of small businesses fall into.
    0:05:07 So can you explain to us what an S-curve is and what we need to look out for?
    0:05:11 Yeah, well, the S-curve explains why most businesses fail, and they actually fail because
    0:05:13 they succeeded.
    0:05:15 And here’s what I mean by that.
    0:05:17 Nobody gets into business to run a business.
    0:05:20 Nobody, not a single person in the history of the world has ever started a business because
    0:05:22 they wanted to run a business.
    0:05:24 They started a business because they loved their customers.
    0:05:26 They loved a product.
    0:05:28 They wanted to be financially free.
    0:05:30 That’s why we start a business.
    0:05:35 If that business takes off, the business owner then finds himself doing something that they
    0:05:38 never thought or never even imagined or didn’t realize they were going to have to do, and
    0:05:40 that’s run a business.
    0:05:43 So the S-curve is you love this product.
    0:05:46 It starts taking off, and you start going up and up and up.
    0:05:48 And then all of a sudden, you’re hiring people.
    0:05:49 You’re firing people.
    0:05:51 You’re trying to figure out health care benefits.
    0:05:53 You’re dealing with customer service.
    0:05:58 All of a sudden, you’re taken out of the sweet spot you were in when the business grew, and
    0:06:01 you’re put into a different role, and that role is running a business.
    0:06:03 And almost none of us have any education.
    0:06:08 Even if you got a master’s degree in business, you don’t know how to run a business.
    0:06:11 Most master’s programs train you to be chairman of the federal treasury.
    0:06:12 They don’t train you to run a business.
    0:06:14 And so we don’t know what we’re doing.
    0:06:17 And because we don’t know what we’re doing, customers realize it.
    0:06:21 Our products aren’t as– the quality’s not as good as it used to be.
    0:06:24 The relationships we used to have with customers are now strained because we’ve turned those
    0:06:26 over to account executives.
    0:06:30 We ended up falling on hard times a little bit, so we ended up giving 90-day terms to
    0:06:33 a customer in order to get bigger profits.
    0:06:37 Then we ran into a cash flow issue, and you know what happens after that.
    0:06:39 You just kind of– you bomb.
    0:06:41 So that’s the down part of the S-curve.
    0:06:46 Now that’s where those 65% of businesses, that’s where they crash when they hit the ground.
    0:06:49 The rest of us, though, we do something.
    0:06:51 We figure out how to run a business.
    0:06:56 We figure out how to install the systems and processes that are necessary in order for
    0:07:01 a business to not hit the ground, but actually come back up and start climbing again.
    0:07:05 Those are the 35% of businesses that actually make it and go on to make millions and millions
    0:07:06 of dollars.
    0:07:11 So those systems and processes are what this book is about.
    0:07:15 It’s the six systems and processes that you need to install in your business in order to
    0:07:17 avoid crashing your business.
    0:07:22 It will teach you how to run a business so that it is a predictable, dependable revenue
    0:07:23 machine.
    0:07:24 I love that explanation.
    0:07:27 Thank you so much for covering that.
    0:07:31 Before we get into the six steps, I want to talk about your experience, because we see
    0:07:32 you now.
    0:07:35 You’re leading a $17 million company, like you were just saying.
    0:07:37 You’re hosting one of the most popular business podcasts in the world.
    0:07:38 You’re a business guru.
    0:07:42 But when you first started your business, you were actually drowning in your day-to-day.
    0:07:45 So I want to do a little bit of comparing contrast.
    0:07:49 What was Donald like day one or year one of his business?
    0:07:50 How did you spend your time?
    0:07:55 And then let’s contrast to this to Donald now with his six steps, all the knowledge,
    0:07:56 all these…
    0:07:59 We’ve had so much experience since then, and you have a whole framework around running
    0:08:00 a small business.
    0:08:04 So what was your day-to-day like year one versus now?
    0:08:10 Well, about six years ago is when my business really experienced a transformational moment.
    0:08:12 It happened in my driveway.
    0:08:16 Before then, I’ll get to the driveway in a second, but before then, I was what I call
    0:08:18 diving for dollars.
    0:08:20 We were just trying to find money anywhere I could get.
    0:08:21 If you paid me to speak, I’d go speak.
    0:08:24 If I could get a book contract, I’d get a book contract.
    0:08:27 I put out an online course and people would buy the online course.
    0:08:29 Anything I could do, I would do.
    0:08:33 And that started getting very successful, true to the S-curve, the initial rise in the
    0:08:34 S-curve.
    0:08:38 And we got to about three and a half million dollars or something like that.
    0:08:42 People were loving my marketing framework, the StoryBrand framework.
    0:08:48 We were consulting with giant brands, Procter and Gamble, Ford Lincoln, even the NSA in
    0:08:49 the government.
    0:08:51 We began consulting with.
    0:08:52 Everything was going really well.
    0:08:55 I had a mentor who is still a very good friend.
    0:08:57 His name is Bill.
    0:09:01 And Bill scaled up his company, his father’s company, into the billions and then took some
    0:09:04 of that money and bought other small companies and was mentoring some of those CEOs.
    0:09:07 He didn’t buy my company, but he was mentoring me nonetheless.
    0:09:08 And I mentioned him.
    0:09:10 I’d love for my business to get to 100 million.
    0:09:13 We were standing in my driveway after having met for a couple hours.
    0:09:17 And for the first time in my relationship with Bill, he just kind of looked at me a little
    0:09:18 bit puzzled.
    0:09:23 He knew that the $100 million number was really big and he didn’t think I was going to hit
    0:09:24 it.
    0:09:26 That’s the first time I’d ever seen that expression in him as he looked back at me.
    0:09:29 And I said, Bill, what’s going on?
    0:09:35 He said, Don, in order to hit $100 million, you are going to have to quote, professionalize
    0:09:36 your operation.
    0:09:37 That’s what he said to me.
    0:09:42 Now, I’d never heard the phrase professionalize your operation before, but it rang absolutely
    0:09:46 true as it’s ringing true to almost all of your listeners right now.
    0:09:50 What it said to me was what Bill said to me basically was you’re making it up.
    0:09:51 You’re making it up as you go along.
    0:09:52 And he also said this.
    0:09:57 He said, Don, if you leave this company, the company’s going to go down because you haven’t
    0:10:03 installed the systems and processes necessary for somebody else to come and buy this company
    0:10:05 and run it, right?
    0:10:10 And that rang so true to me that I spent the next about three to four years figuring out
    0:10:15 what the systems and processes needed to be and how the company needed to run.
    0:10:20 And the framework that I came up with is actually really simple.
    0:10:22 And that’s kind of what was missing in the market.
    0:10:23 Everything was very complicated.
    0:10:28 It took more time to sort of professionalize your operations through other systems than
    0:10:29 it did to actually build your company.
    0:10:33 You spent more time working on your company than you did catering to clients, which doesn’t
    0:10:34 work.
    0:10:35 You lose money that way.
    0:10:37 I wanted it to be really simple.
    0:10:41 And the metaphor that I came up with after I did all this stuff, when I was trying to
    0:10:46 sort of have a controlling idea to bring it all together was the metaphor of the airplane.
    0:10:51 And every airplane has, every commercial airplane has six very important parts to it, and they
    0:10:53 have to work together.
    0:10:54 The leadership is your cockpit.
    0:10:58 The people in that cockpit need to enter data into the flight computer that says where
    0:11:00 this airplane is going.
    0:11:02 Everything is reverse engineered from that leadership in the cockpit.
    0:11:08 The right engine is your marketing, and that marketing needs to produce thrust to get the
    0:11:09 plane moving.
    0:11:10 Left engine is your sales.
    0:11:12 It needs to produce more thrust to get the plane moving.
    0:11:15 Your products are your wings of the airplane.
    0:11:17 Those need to be in demand and profitable.
    0:11:21 The wings need to be big, light, and strong in order to get lift.
    0:11:24 The body of your airplane is your most expensive, heavy part.
    0:11:27 That’s your overhead, and your overhead needs to stay lean.
    0:11:31 That’s why when you get into a smaller commuter plane, you’re ducking your head because they
    0:11:35 need that thing to be small, and they’re squeezing you into those tiny seats.
    0:11:40 And then the fuel tanks of your airplane are your cash flow.
    0:11:45 And if you can actually keep the six areas of your airplane in proportion to each other,
    0:11:46 you’re going to do just fine.
    0:11:48 And it’s the same with business.
    0:11:52 In order to get a business off the ground and keep it from crashing, you’ve got to enter
    0:11:54 the right coordinates into your flight computer.
    0:11:55 Those are going to be economic coordinates.
    0:11:58 You got to clarify your marketing message and run a really good sales funnel.
    0:12:00 That’s going to get your ride engine humming.
    0:12:03 You’ve got to be able to invite customers into a story and close deals, and I’ve got
    0:12:06 a formula for you to be able to do that in your sales.
    0:12:11 You’ve got to have products that are extremely profitable and in demand.
    0:12:12 Those are going to be your wings.
    0:12:16 You’ve got to manage your team so it’s lean, efficient, and productive, which is an incredibly
    0:12:18 hard thing to do.
    0:12:20 That keeps your body of the airplane small.
    0:12:24 And you’ve got to get very clear optics on your cash flow so you never run out of cash
    0:12:28 or get surprised by a tax bill or can’t make payroll.
    0:12:31 If you can do those six things, your business is going to do just fine.
    0:12:35 Holly, you’ve interacted with as many business owners as I have.
    0:12:40 I’m sure there’s times when you’ve walked into a business and they have a really nice
    0:12:45 facility and they’re handing you all sorts of swag and 20 minutes into visiting their
    0:12:46 business.
    0:12:50 You have no idea what they do because they can’t state it clearly and you’re asking yourself
    0:12:54 how in the world are these people making money and you realize they’re not making money.
    0:12:58 They’re actually just living off private equity or venture capital money and all they’re
    0:13:02 doing is living off somebody else’s dollars and this plane is going down.
    0:13:06 It looks successful but it isn’t successful.
    0:13:11 I have zero interest in helping anybody listening to the sound of my voice look successful.
    0:13:13 I have no interest in that.
    0:13:18 I have enormous interest in you opening up your bank account and seeing a ton of money.
    0:13:19 That’s what I’m interested in.
    0:13:24 And so these are the basics of how to actually run a successful business without lying to
    0:13:25 ourselves.
    0:13:26 This is how it has to be done.
    0:13:27 Yeah.
    0:13:31 And so back to my original question, I guess when you first started your business before
    0:13:34 you had the six step framework, the business really revolved around you.
    0:13:37 That’s why you were drowning every day.
    0:13:38 Too much.
    0:13:42 So what’s the problem when you can’t actually be pulled out of your own business and the
    0:13:44 business revolves too much around the owner?
    0:13:47 Well the problem is your business isn’t worth anything.
    0:13:51 You know, if somebody comes to buy your business, one of the first questions they ask is what
    0:13:52 happens when you leave?
    0:13:59 What somebody wants to see if you want to value your business at 45678X EBITDA is they
    0:14:04 want to know that you can go to Turks and Caicos and lay on a beach for two months and
    0:14:07 never answer your phone and the business gets stronger.
    0:14:08 That’s what they want to know.
    0:14:14 So the problem in my life at that time was this business depended completely and totally
    0:14:15 on me.
    0:14:20 I was the guy who was actually necessary for this business to go and grow.
    0:14:26 Today we have close to 800 certified facilitators, coaches and guides who go out and teach these
    0:14:27 frameworks.
    0:14:34 Now if I left, we would need a new host for our podcast and that’s about it.
    0:14:37 We would need a new host for the podcast and quite honestly I think we could find a better
    0:14:40 one pretty easily but I’m not willing to give up the job at this point.
    0:14:46 So we’re way further along than we were about four or five years ago.
    0:14:51 So with this analogy of the plane, I’d love for you to explain the rule of proportions.
    0:14:55 Why is it that we sort of have to look at everything at the same time and make sure
    0:15:00 we’re being balanced and not just focus on one area and another area at a time?
    0:15:04 Let’s look at the airplane and talk about the airplane analogy as a decision-making
    0:15:05 filter.
    0:15:09 We know that we’ve got a good sales team, there’s a couple of people who are selling
    0:15:10 a lot of stuff for us.
    0:15:15 It’s really great but we’ve got this product and we’re getting many calls.
    0:15:18 Customers can’t figure out how to log in or something like that and the sales team is
    0:15:19 answering those calls.
    0:15:22 That’s a common problem in a small business.
    0:15:25 So we decide, okay, we need a customer service representative.
    0:15:28 The customer service representative is for a really good one, you’re going to pay between
    0:15:31 $60,000 and $80,000, you’re going to be right in there.
    0:15:35 You want somebody who can grow and manage a customer service team so you’re going to
    0:15:38 go ahead and spend a little more money on that.
    0:15:43 That money, you’ve got to say, “Okay, is that money going to the right engine, the left
    0:15:44 engine?
    0:15:48 Is that money going to the wings or is that money going to the body of the airplane?”
    0:15:51 A normal customer service, they’re going to save you some sales, they’re certainly going
    0:15:56 to save you some negative chatter but it’s pretty hard to put that money on the wings
    0:15:58 or the right engine, the left engine.
    0:16:02 So what we’re going to do is we’re going to say, “Well, we’re going to pay you a base
    0:16:09 salary of $50,000 but we’re going to give you some incentives for every retainer purchase
    0:16:15 that is a subscription service that sticks around, who we know calls you and talks to
    0:16:20 you or emails you or chats you, we’re going to give you 10% of that and we think you can
    0:16:27 save X number of sales a year, which is going to get you to between $65,000 and $85,000.
    0:16:28 What did we just do?
    0:16:33 We just put a big chunk of that person’s salary out of the body of the airplane and
    0:16:38 out onto the right and left engine and we can spend a lot more money on the right and
    0:16:41 left engine than we can on the body of the airplane.
    0:16:45 Whenever you go into a business and they’ve got this great facility with really beautiful
    0:16:51 furniture and all sorts of great swag, everything that I just mentioned is the body of the airplane.
    0:16:55 Really what you’re looking at, and you can see it within about 10 minutes of a conversation
    0:16:59 with a business owner, what you’re looking at, imagine, “Hala, let’s say that you and
    0:17:04 your friends are going to do a great week in Hawaii and you buy the plane ticket and you’re
    0:17:10 at the airport, you walk out on the tarmac and that plane has a giant body, two tiny
    0:17:19 little wings, some little rubber band propellers on each of the wings and fuel is pouring out
    0:17:21 of the fuel tanks onto the tarmac.
    0:17:22 Are you getting on that airplane?
    0:17:23 No.
    0:17:24 No.
    0:17:28 That’s what so many businesses look like and people don’t realize it’s happening.
    0:17:32 The way I hired my uncle, well, we clearly need a new logo and some swag.
    0:17:36 Well, let’s create this website that isn’t very clear and doesn’t actually close sales
    0:17:38 and is kind of passive aggressive.
    0:17:42 All those decisions are how you engineer a really horrible, horrible airplane.
    0:17:47 If you look at every single business in history that has crashed, what you’re looking at is
    0:17:49 an airplane that wasn’t engineered very well.
    0:17:50 I love this analogy.
    0:17:55 It really does help you give a framework to kind of think of it intuitively and I’m sure
    0:17:59 that as you’re making decisions, if you learn this framework, you’ll start to remember these
    0:18:02 things and not try to make your plane crash.
    0:18:04 Do everything you can to keep it flying.
    0:18:05 That’s right.
    0:18:06 I agree with you.
    0:18:07 That’s how we got there.
    0:18:10 In 17 million, there’s a lot of people listening who have a bigger company than that.
    0:18:14 We’re still very, very committed to growing this one to try to get to that 100 million,
    0:18:18 but the way that we will get there is we’ll continue to engineer a really great airplane.
    0:18:22 If you’re on my sales team or my marketing team, you’re probably going to be paid a little
    0:18:24 bit more than if you’re in the body of the airplane.
    0:18:27 Even anybody in the body of the airplane, we’re trying to figure out how to incentivize
    0:18:32 you to actually have you participate in the profitability of this business so that you
    0:18:34 can make more money.
    0:18:37 Let’s hold that thought and take a quick break with our sponsors.
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    0:23:23 So let’s dive in.
    0:23:26 You gave a great overview of the six steps.
    0:23:30 Leadership, marketing, sales, products, overhead, and operations.
    0:23:32 And the last step is cashflow.
    0:23:33 So let’s dive into some of these steps.
    0:23:38 I want to dive into leadership, which you say is the cockpit of the airplane.
    0:23:42 And leadership is basically in charge of getting everybody to an end destination.
    0:23:45 Your business needs to have a clear mission.
    0:23:49 And so a lot of people, they don’t have a clear mission, right?
    0:23:50 That’s something that they’re missing.
    0:23:52 When they first started, like I’ll give myself for an example.
    0:23:56 I have a company, Yap Media, we scaled to $7 million in three years.
    0:24:01 And this year, we’re on track to do $8 million, which is amazing.
    0:24:03 And so my company is doing great.
    0:24:08 And when I first started, it was a team of volunteers, and we were so tight, and everybody
    0:24:12 had a mission, and I was hand training everyone, and everything was great.
    0:24:17 And then year one, it was like, boom, we blew up to 60 employees, and it’s like all of a
    0:24:19 sudden, like things weren’t as smooth anymore.
    0:24:22 Like we’re still running a great business, but it just wasn’t like before, like things
    0:24:26 used to just like happen like magic, because we were so aligned.
    0:24:28 Everybody had the same values, all that kind of stuff.
    0:24:31 And so now I’m actually resetting my organization.
    0:24:36 I just went through a whole workshop where we set up new core values.
    0:24:39 We’re having a new mission, all these things that you talked about in your books.
    0:24:43 I’m like, oh my gosh, this is just so relevant to everything that I’m doing right now.
    0:24:45 So let’s talk about mission statements first.
    0:24:49 You say there’s three components that make up an effective mission statement.
    0:24:53 I love this ’cause I’m literally developing my new mission statement now.
    0:24:58 And the first component you say is containing three economic objectives that you can actually
    0:24:59 measure.
    0:25:03 So I’d love to understand why three, is it only three, can it be more than three?
    0:25:07 Why three, and why do we need to have some measurable objectives in our mission?
    0:25:13 I think the best formula for a mission statement is we will accomplish X by Y because of Z.
    0:25:16 We will accomplish X by Y because of Z.
    0:25:21 If you can, write that down ’cause it really will align your entire team.
    0:25:25 The X, we will accomplish X, are three economic objectives.
    0:25:30 And the challenge is, we’ve gotta figure out the three ways that we make money the most.
    0:25:33 What are the three ways that we make the most money?
    0:25:39 Most businesses somewhere fall in line in that Pareta principle of 80% of their money
    0:25:41 comes from 20% of their products.
    0:25:44 80% of the money comes from 20% of their audience.
    0:25:46 It’s almost true for every business out there.
    0:25:50 Almost 20% can usually be defined with three economic objectives.
    0:25:56 Now, I only give you three, not because you only have three or because I only want you
    0:25:57 to have three.
    0:26:02 I give you three because the human brain has a limitation and it’s usually three priorities.
    0:26:06 It’s very hard for a brain to prioritize more than three things.
    0:26:08 It can do four, it cannot do five.
    0:26:13 So three is very important, not because any other reason other than your brain’s just
    0:26:15 not gonna focus on any more than three things.
    0:26:19 So you want to figure out one of the top three ways you make money, then you want to have
    0:26:21 numeric goals.
    0:26:25 So when I say we will accomplish, here’s my, here’s our actual mission statement if business
    0:26:26 made simple.
    0:26:32 We will have 500 certified coaches, 900 certified marketing guides, and 18,000 people inside
    0:26:34 of our online platform.
    0:26:35 That’s it.
    0:26:41 Buy January 1 of 2024 because every small business owner deserves an education in growing
    0:26:42 their business.
    0:26:46 So here’s what’s really cool about the three economic objectives.
    0:26:49 The second we stated and wrote in our mission statement the three economic objectives, we
    0:26:50 had a filter.
    0:26:54 It was the next day we were in a meeting and we were about five minutes into talking about
    0:26:58 an initiative when somebody raised their hand and said, “Hey guys, this doesn’t have anything
    0:27:00 to do with our three economic objectives.
    0:27:01 Do we still want to do it?”
    0:27:04 And everybody in the room just went, “Actually, no.
    0:27:08 We’re wasting our time because those are the three ways that we make the most money.
    0:27:10 We’re talking about something that’s actually not going to make us much money at all.
    0:27:13 We just had a customer bring it up and we’re trying to answer the customer question.
    0:27:16 We need to just answer the customer’s question saying, “Actually, we’ve decided not to do
    0:27:17 that.”
    0:27:18 So you get a filter.
    0:27:24 That alone will cause a massive forward thrust in your organization because now everybody
    0:27:27 in the organization is trying to support three things.
    0:27:30 Then the Y, we will accomplish X by Y because of Z.
    0:27:32 The Y is actually your deadline.
    0:27:35 I recommend setting a two-year deadline.
    0:27:36 You can go three years.
    0:27:39 Anything beyond three years is not going to motivate anybody.
    0:27:46 So we set our goal over a year ago and now we’re about 10 months away from hitting it
    0:27:48 and we’re on track to hit it.
    0:27:52 So what a deadline does inside of a mission statement creates a sense of urgency.
    0:27:54 You say, “Don, mission statements don’t have deadlines.”
    0:27:55 You’re right.
    0:27:59 Most large corporations don’t put deadlines in mission statements because those corporations
    0:28:03 have mission statements written by lawyers on behalf of shareholders.
    0:28:05 You don’t have a team of lawyers and you don’t have shareholders.
    0:28:10 You have the luxury and it is a crazy luxury that you should take advantage of of writing
    0:28:12 a new mission statement every two or three years.
    0:28:15 And usually in your mission statement, all you’re going to do is adjust X and Y and that’s
    0:28:16 really it.
    0:28:19 If you don’t like it as a mission statement, just call it a goal statement and let these
    0:28:22 two statements be parallel to each other.
    0:28:23 Finally the Z.
    0:28:25 We will accomplish X by Y because of Z.
    0:28:26 Z is the Y.
    0:28:31 It’s the reason that you’re in business and it’s usually customer-centric.
    0:28:32 We are doing this.
    0:28:37 You’re going to accomplish these three things by January of 2024 because and then you want
    0:28:41 to state the problem that your customer has and how you’re going to solve it.
    0:28:45 That mission statement aligns your team and first of all, it’s memorable.
    0:28:49 Every single member of my team knows that mission statement where most people write
    0:28:51 a mission statement and nobody remembers their mission statement.
    0:28:53 Even the person who wrote it can’t remember it.
    0:28:56 If you’ve forgotten the mission statement, you’ve forgotten the mission.
    0:29:02 So that mission statement is really, really key and it’s the first part of your leadership
    0:29:03 statement.
    0:29:05 Those would be the economic coordinates that you’re entering into the flight computer.
    0:29:06 Yeah.
    0:29:10 I really like this framework because I think giving some measurable things that people
    0:29:13 can align to, it helps people understand their progress.
    0:29:17 Like, guys, we are way off our target and we have only this amount of time to get there
    0:29:19 and we better hustle and step on the gas.
    0:29:25 So I feel like it gives people a measuring stick in terms of how they’re doing towards
    0:29:26 the mission.
    0:29:29 We’re usually, like you said, missions are usually like vague and fluffy.
    0:29:31 They’re just sort of like directional.
    0:29:35 This is like very specific, which I think anything more specific is going to get people
    0:29:37 closer to an actual goal.
    0:29:38 That’s right.
    0:29:42 And then you align your team around those objectives and people know whether or not
    0:29:43 they are winning or losing.
    0:29:49 When you actually state three economic objectives, your whole team knows in real time whether
    0:29:52 or not you’re hitting them, whether you’re behind them, whether you’re ahead of them.
    0:29:56 And by the way, if you’re behind them, it bothers everybody, which is exactly what
    0:29:57 you want.
    0:29:58 You want this bothering everybody.
    0:30:02 So they’re going to come to you and say, “Hey, can we either adjust the economic objectives
    0:30:04 or what’s our plan to fix them?”
    0:30:08 Or if you didn’t have economic objectives, nobody would even know that there’s anything
    0:30:09 wrong with the business.
    0:30:14 And you wouldn’t have those, the instrument data on your dashboard to be able to know
    0:30:17 that you’re actually flying upside down and heading straight toward the ground.
    0:30:21 So those three economic objectives are, you’re not always doing well with them, but if you’re
    0:30:25 not doing well, they still serve you because you know you’re not doing well and you’re
    0:30:26 not confused.
    0:30:27 Yeah.
    0:30:29 So this is really good advice.
    0:30:32 How about getting this mission statement to stick within the organization?
    0:30:38 Let’s say you’ve got over 20 employees, you’re not able to one-on-one explain it to everyone.
    0:30:43 What are the ways that you can distill this information to get it to stick with your workers?
    0:30:49 Well, one of the absolute hardest things to do is to get a team aligned around the economic
    0:30:51 objectives of the organization.
    0:30:53 And we have a framework.
    0:30:57 It’s actually on chapter five of the book to help you do that.
    0:31:01 And the framework is five meetings that you want to have with your team.
    0:31:04 And some of the meetings will happen every week, some of the meetings happen almost every
    0:31:06 day, some of the meetings happen once a quarter.
    0:31:11 But those five meetings are the all staff meeting, the department stand-up, the personal priority
    0:31:18 stand-up, the quarterly performance review, and then you will have an occasional revenue
    0:31:19 meeting also.
    0:31:23 The three economic objectives and the mission statement need to be talked at about during
    0:31:25 every all staff meeting.
    0:31:29 You actually open up the all staff meeting with those three economic objectives.
    0:31:32 That happens on Monday, once a week.
    0:31:34 Then the next meeting is your department stand-up.
    0:31:38 The three economic objectives get repeated at the department stand-up.
    0:31:43 So you are instilling these economic objectives in every single team member.
    0:31:47 Then also at the department stand-up, the five priorities of that department which have to
    0:31:52 serve the economic objectives are also discussed and the team in about 15 minutes discusses
    0:31:55 whether or not they’re hitting their five priorities so that we can hit these economic
    0:31:56 objectives.
    0:32:00 Not only that, but in the personal stand-up that every single employee has with their
    0:32:05 department leader for about 15 minutes, they discuss their five priorities that serve the
    0:32:09 department’s five priorities that serve the three economic objectives.
    0:32:15 So you are constantly, constantly, constantly meeting, talking about what the economic objectives
    0:32:19 are, what your department is doing to hit those objectives, and what every person is
    0:32:21 doing to hit those objectives.
    0:32:26 And if you actually install those meetings into your organization, it’s impossible to
    0:32:30 forget where we’re going and why you’re so important to actually help us achieve where
    0:32:31 we’re going.
    0:32:34 What about the business owners who are scared of being like transparent?
    0:32:37 Because I could imagine that there’s a lot of business owners that are like, “I don’t
    0:32:42 want to talk about our financial goals or what we’re making, especially with like maybe
    0:32:45 the lowest level employees and things like that.
    0:32:46 What would you say to them?”
    0:32:52 I personally am a fan of not hiding the numbers, not hiding how much money we’re making, not
    0:32:54 hiding how many orders came in.
    0:32:55 I don’t want to hide any of that.
    0:33:00 The reason that small business owners don’t like exposing the numbers to their team members
    0:33:04 is because it exposes the fact that the company is making millions and the team member is
    0:33:09 making $40,000, and all they see is that disparity.
    0:33:14 But the way you actually get around that or get over that is you actually give the entire
    0:33:16 team a really great economic education.
    0:33:21 So you actually say, “Look, we’re making $2 million this year.
    0:33:24 Our overhead is about $1.2 million.”
    0:33:29 That means there’s $800,000 left, and we’re going to give half of that to the government.
    0:33:32 So that’s $400,000 that’s left.
    0:33:35 We have to put X amount in our rainy day fund.
    0:33:40 So at the end of the day, this is about what I make, and this is about what you make.
    0:33:45 But if you can help us make more, and if you have ideas to help us make more, your salary
    0:33:47 will go up as well.
    0:33:53 And I just love teaching all 30 of my employees how a small business really, really works.
    0:33:55 They by the way, know.
    0:33:58 They pretty much know exactly what I’m making, which is a lot of money.
    0:34:01 They also know that we are incredibly generous with that money.
    0:34:05 They know that we bought a building that houses the business.
    0:34:06 That building is incredibly expensive.
    0:34:11 Yes, it’s an asset that my family will be able to own 50 and 60 years from now, but
    0:34:12 I don’t get that cash.
    0:34:16 I bought that building so that we could all live inside of this building.
    0:34:18 I just don’t hide the numbers.
    0:34:22 And then if somebody gets upset about that and resents that, they don’t belong on my
    0:34:23 team.
    0:34:27 Or if they get upset about that and resent that, I sit them down and I say, “Would you
    0:34:29 like to run a business?”
    0:34:33 Because if you leave me and you run a business, I will do everything I can to help you, because
    0:34:35 I want you to experience this too.
    0:34:37 Let me tell you what also happens.
    0:34:39 Everything stops with you.
    0:34:41 If that business fails, it’s your fault.
    0:34:43 The government doesn’t come for my employees.
    0:34:46 They come for me if I don’t pay taxes.
    0:34:48 Somebody slips on a banana peel in my parking lot.
    0:34:49 They don’t sue you.
    0:34:50 They sue me.
    0:34:55 And I just want you to know there’s an enormous amount of risk in starting a business, but
    0:34:59 if you can make it work, it’s worth it and I will help you do it.
    0:35:03 But at this point, you work for me and I need you to produce more.
    0:35:06 With that conversation, why not just tell them the truth?
    0:35:11 I think one of the reasons that Americans feel like victims, especially the generation
    0:35:15 behind me and the generation behind them, are not going to make as much money as their
    0:35:19 parents is because they don’t actually understand how money works.
    0:35:21 And I want to teach everybody I can.
    0:35:26 This is how money works and I don’t want anybody excluded from being able to participate.
    0:35:30 It’s high risk, it’s high stress, but if you want to go for it, I’m all for you.
    0:35:31 Let’s go for it.
    0:35:32 I’ll help you.
    0:35:33 I’m Donald Preach.
    0:35:34 That was great.
    0:35:37 So let’s talk about core values, sticking on leadership.
    0:35:40 So like I said, I’m doing a lot of core values work.
    0:35:42 We just came up with our new values at Yep Media.
    0:35:46 So we’re scrappy hustlers, we’re obsessive with excellence, we step on the gas.
    0:35:47 Together we win.
    0:35:50 We have all these different headlines that we created for our core values and we did
    0:35:53 a lot of work around it and I’m really excited to roll it out.
    0:35:57 And you talk about similar things in your book related to core values and how everybody
    0:36:01 needs key characteristics defined for your team members.
    0:36:05 So why do you think core values can help you unite a team and how can they help leaders
    0:36:08 actually make decisions more quickly as well?
    0:36:12 One of the great things about core values I think is it helps you define an aspirational
    0:36:13 identity.
    0:36:15 This is who we’re going to be.
    0:36:19 We’re going to be people who love our jobs, we’re going to be people who care about each
    0:36:21 other, have each other’s backs.
    0:36:24 Those are core values and so when you point to core values, you’re basically pointing
    0:36:27 to what’s expected if you were going to work here.
    0:36:31 Now one of the downfalls of core values is they’re always vague and if somebody says
    0:36:33 our core value is integrity.
    0:36:40 If you caught a bank robber in mid bank robbery and you said, explain to me why you’re doing
    0:36:41 this.
    0:36:43 I promise you they’re going to defend their integrity.
    0:36:46 These rich people have all the money and I’m taking it to whatever.
    0:36:49 They’re robbing a freaking bank and they think they have integrity.
    0:36:50 So it’s just too vague.
    0:36:55 So I like core values but more than that, I like two other things.
    0:36:58 Key characteristics and critical actions.
    0:37:03 Key characteristics are the characteristics that you need to have in order for us to hit
    0:37:05 our economic objectives.
    0:37:08 If I run a pet store, I need you to love pets.
    0:37:15 If we run a software company, I need you to obsess about the easy, simple user interfaces.
    0:37:17 And so now I know who to hire.
    0:37:19 I’m not just hiring somebody with integrity.
    0:37:21 I’m hiring somebody with integrity who loves animals.
    0:37:28 So those key characteristics are more true to your team than they are to anybody else.
    0:37:32 It’s where you actually dial down into the uniqueness of your culture.
    0:37:35 Now critical actions go even further.
    0:37:39 Critical actions are the things that we are all going to do together to hit our economic
    0:37:40 objectives.
    0:37:48 If I have a restaurant and one of my economic objectives is we’re going to sell 35% for
    0:37:52 every client for our customers to come to the restaurant, 35% of them are going to get
    0:37:53 a dessert.
    0:37:54 Well, we’re at 15%.
    0:37:58 So what we’re going to do is we’re going to say our critical action is we ask every
    0:38:02 single person eating have you tried our world famous brownie.
    0:38:06 We’re going to ask every and so as soon as you make that a critical action, guess what’s
    0:38:08 going to happen to your brownie sales?
    0:38:09 They’re going to go way up.
    0:38:14 So if you have three core values, three critical actions and three key characteristics, your
    0:38:16 entire culture changes.
    0:38:21 If you go to Chick-fil-A, a fast food place in the American South and they’re spreading
    0:38:24 all over and you say thank you, they say my pleasure.
    0:38:25 That’s a critical action.
    0:38:30 When somebody says thank you, a critical action is you say my pleasure and you position yourself
    0:38:35 as the servant of the person that you’re actually talking to in a humble way.
    0:38:39 Those are the sorts of things that create a culture and you need at least three critical
    0:38:45 actions that one, stimulate your bottom line and help you achieve your economic objectives
    0:38:51 and two, actually support and empower your culture to be defined.
    0:38:55 You say there’s three kinds of leaders that you normally find at the top of successful
    0:38:58 small businesses, the artist, the operator and the entrepreneur.
    0:39:02 I thought this was fun because I have three main executives on my team and I thought we
    0:39:05 each fit in those buckets and I thought that was exciting.
    0:39:07 So tell us what those mean.
    0:39:09 That’s why you’re doing so well.
    0:39:14 Normally if your business gets past four or five million, you need to have three people,
    0:39:18 three personalities and they’re very different, helping you run the team.
    0:39:23 So once your business gets past, again, three or four million, these three personalities
    0:39:27 are necessary in order for the business to actually grow.
    0:39:31 And this is what, if there’s three people on your leadership team, I hope you have one
    0:39:34 of each and one is the artist.
    0:39:37 And by artist, I’m not talking about like a poet or a painter.
    0:39:40 I’m talking about somebody who obsesses about products.
    0:39:41 They love the products.
    0:39:42 They love making them.
    0:39:43 They love supporting them.
    0:39:45 They love marketing them.
    0:39:46 They love talking to customers about them.
    0:39:47 They love improving them.
    0:39:51 That the artist, my guess is, Hala, that you are an artist.
    0:39:53 I am also an artist.
    0:39:56 Now the other personality that you need is actually the operator.
    0:39:59 The operator is not going to help you make any products.
    0:40:00 They’re just not.
    0:40:02 What they’re going to help you do is manage the team.
    0:40:05 They’re going to help you manage the priorities and manage the people and make sure everybody’s
    0:40:09 working really hard because the artist normally doesn’t like to do that.
    0:40:11 They want to obsess about the product.
    0:40:14 And then the third personality is the entrepreneur.
    0:40:19 And the entrepreneur looks at what the artist did and looks at what the team is capable of
    0:40:22 doing and says, “How can this machine make more money?”
    0:40:23 Period.
    0:40:27 If we segment an audience and send them this sales funnel, then we can make more money
    0:40:28 with this.
    0:40:33 If we actually run a live webinar, we’ll collect more leads and we’ll do this.
    0:40:35 The entrepreneur is thinking of that way.
    0:40:40 If you have an artist, an operator, and an entrepreneur on your leadership team, you
    0:40:41 are going to win.
    0:40:43 And here’s what’s actually very interesting.
    0:40:48 It doesn’t matter if the artist, the entrepreneur, or the operator is actually the CEO.
    0:40:50 It doesn’t matter.
    0:40:53 Any of those, if you look at somebody like Tim Cook, he’s an operator.
    0:40:56 Somebody like Steve Jobs would be an artist.
    0:40:59 The company has done extremely well under both of those.
    0:41:08 But I guarantee you, surrounding Tim Cook are really good entrepreneurs and really
    0:41:09 good artists.
    0:41:14 So you need those three personalities in the cockpit of your airplane using the metaphor
    0:41:16 of an airplane to run your small business.
    0:41:20 You need those three personalities in order to really scale the company and reach its
    0:41:21 full potential.
    0:41:22 I really like that analogy.
    0:41:23 It’s really cool.
    0:41:26 So the second step is about marketing.
    0:41:27 We’re not going to cover that, guys.
    0:41:32 If you listen to episode 120, which I’m going to replay on this podcast, me and Donald cover
    0:41:35 the seven step story brand framework in detail.
    0:41:37 So it’ll be right on the feed for you guys.
    0:41:40 Way to find episode 120 will be a Yap classic.
    0:41:41 So check that out.
    0:41:45 And we’re going to move on to sales because offline, Donald told me that, “Hey, we got
    0:41:46 to talk about sales.”
    0:41:50 He said, “I can really help your audience if we talk about sales.”
    0:41:55 So you said step three, left engine of the plane is the sales step.
    0:42:00 And in this step, you have to make the customers a hero during the sales pitch.
    0:42:04 And so, from my understanding, you actually didn’t like selling when you first started
    0:42:05 your business.
    0:42:09 So why didn’t you like selling and then how did you learn how to sell more effectively?
    0:42:14 Well, I didn’t like selling and I’ve learned to like it because I basically stopped selling
    0:42:18 and I started inviting customers into a story and I realized I didn’t have to sell anything.
    0:42:24 All I had to do is make my offer extremely clear and I sold a lot more of whatever it
    0:42:25 was that I was selling.
    0:42:30 The problem with sales training and sales education is you don’t get adoption.
    0:42:34 Big companies play millions and millions of dollars to bring in sales trainers and up
    0:42:37 to 70% of their sales force will ignore it.
    0:42:40 They’re only getting 30% adoption if that.
    0:42:43 And so, I don’t love the idea of sales training.
    0:42:48 What I love though is to teach all sorts of sales account executives, all sorts of small
    0:42:49 business owners.
    0:42:57 I love teaching them a formula to do one specific thing and that is this, write a follow-up
    0:43:00 email to a customer that will close the deal.
    0:43:05 So let’s say you spend a day with a customer, maybe you were at a workshop and there were
    0:43:10 5,000 people in the audience and a bunch of them gave you your email address.
    0:43:14 Whatever it is, what you want to do is you actually want to go back to your hotel room
    0:43:19 or go back home, open up your computer and you want to email whoever you just had a conversation
    0:43:24 with an email and this is what the email needs to do in order to close the sale.
    0:43:26 First, start with the problem.
    0:43:32 Here today, we talked about how we all struggle with X and I know that can be very painful.
    0:43:33 Start with the problem.
    0:43:37 Step two, position your product as the solution to the problem.
    0:43:43 Nobody has to deal with this anymore because we have created X and if you buy X, your problem
    0:43:44 will be solved.
    0:43:45 That’s step two.
    0:43:47 Step one, define the problem.
    0:43:49 Step two, position your product as the solution to the problem.
    0:43:53 Step three, give them a three-step plan to buy it.
    0:43:55 A three-step plan, don’t overthink it.
    0:44:00 In order for you to engage this, all you need to do is have an intake session with me where
    0:44:01 we talk about it.
    0:44:05 Second, I’ll give you a custom strategy on what I think you should do and three, if
    0:44:07 you want to move forward, you and I can move forward.
    0:44:11 You want to remove the cognitive dissonance by giving people baby steps.
    0:44:15 Then step four is actually to paint the negative stakes.
    0:44:19 I don’t want to see you struggle with this anymore and I know if you don’t buy my product,
    0:44:23 you’re going to keep struggling with it and a month from now, a year from now, this is
    0:44:24 going to be even more painful.
    0:44:26 Let’s deal with it now.
    0:44:28 Step four are negative stakes.
    0:44:30 Step five is positive stakes.
    0:44:34 However, with my product, this is the life that you’re going to experience and here’s
    0:44:36 how great your life will be.
    0:44:39 Then finally, step six, ask for the sale.
    0:44:42 I think you should buy this product today.
    0:44:43 It’s the right product for you.
    0:44:46 Click here and enjoy this special offer.
    0:44:47 Let me just summarize it.
    0:44:51 Start with the problem, position your product as a solution, give them a three-step plan,
    0:44:55 paint the negative stakes, paint the positive stakes and call the customer to action.
    0:45:00 If you write that follow-up email, you will close way more sales.
    0:45:04 Not only will you close more sales, but you will have just learned how to sell.
    0:45:08 And the way you learn how to sell is you find out what the customer’s problem is and you
    0:45:10 position your product as a solution.
    0:45:14 If you do it five times in an email, you will never have a sales conversation again.
    0:45:15 That’s the same.
    0:45:19 For instance, if you work at a mattress store, because we work with Tim Persily to train
    0:45:22 some of their salespeople, you don’t want to go up and say, “What brought you in today?”
    0:45:23 You know what brought them in today.
    0:45:25 They’re looking for a mattress.
    0:45:27 You want to go up and you say, “Hey, welcome into the store.
    0:45:28 Let me just ask you.
    0:45:30 What do you hate about your current mattress?”
    0:45:32 If you say, “What do you hate about your current mattress?”
    0:45:35 They’re going to say, “Well, it’s too soft in the middle or it’s hurting my back or
    0:45:37 it’s too warm at night.”
    0:45:38 And whatever.
    0:45:39 And you say, “Great.
    0:45:41 I’ve got three things, three mattresses here that will solve that.
    0:45:44 Let’s take a look at them because they’re at different price points and they have some
    0:45:45 different things.”
    0:45:50 That’s a mile into the sales conversation and when you ask what brings you in today,
    0:45:51 you’re nowhere.
    0:45:52 You’re absolutely nowhere.
    0:45:53 They’re going to try to avoid you.
    0:45:55 That’s how you sell and it’s all you need to know.
    0:45:59 We’ll be right back after a quick break from our sponsors.
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    0:47:06 You know, it’s interesting, Hala.
    0:47:12 I just spoke to 250 sales reps for a big, probably $1.4 billion company, 250 sales
    0:47:13 reps in the room.
    0:47:19 And I said, “Hey, raise your hand if there’s a customer that hasn’t made a decision yet.
    0:47:21 You’ve been interacting with them, but they’re sitting the fence.
    0:47:23 250 hands go up.
    0:47:24 That’s a sales rep’s job.”
    0:47:26 So everybody in the room had that.
    0:47:27 I said, “Open your computer.
    0:47:31 We are literally going to write them an email right now.”
    0:47:34 And we spent the next hour formulating 250 emails.
    0:47:38 I said, “Hit send,” and then I needed to get off the stage because I had a flight.
    0:47:41 So the Chief Revenue Officer got up and said, “Don, thanks,” and I rolled my bag out of
    0:47:42 the back of the door.
    0:47:45 Got a call two days later to my staff.
    0:47:47 Chief Revenue Officer said, “I’ve never seen anything like it.
    0:47:50 We closed $2.4 million worth of sales in the room.”
    0:47:52 Wow.
    0:47:55 And it’s not because we coerced the audience into buying anything.
    0:47:57 It’s not because we manipulated anybody.
    0:48:01 What those customers were doing, we’re sitting the fence because they didn’t fully understand
    0:48:03 why they needed that product.
    0:48:06 And every sales rep in that room made it clear.
    0:48:08 And now, they tasted that success.
    0:48:11 I’m sure they’ve made tens of millions now because that was over a month ago.
    0:48:16 And they’re starting to have very different sales conversations and sending out very different
    0:48:19 proposals and giving very different presentations.
    0:48:24 That formula works for follow-up emails, works for in-person conversations, works for keynote
    0:48:27 presentations, works for elevator pitches, works for proposals.
    0:48:30 That’s the formula you want to use to close sales.
    0:48:32 This reminds me of something that Erica Dewan came on my show.
    0:48:35 She’s a workplace productivity expert.
    0:48:37 And so much of our communications are digital now.
    0:48:43 So much of what we do in our work is reading screens, reading Slack, reading email.
    0:48:46 And she says that writing clearly is the new empathy.
    0:48:49 It used to be that speaking clearly was the new empathy and listening was the new empathy.
    0:48:53 Now, it’s writing clearly is the new empathy.
    0:48:56 You can’t write, especially a response email.
    0:49:00 If you’ve already started a conversation with somebody, you can’t write a good email without
    0:49:02 having done a very good job listening.
    0:49:07 If I said, “Hala, you and I had a great conversation, congratulations on your $8 million.
    0:49:08 I think that’s incredible.
    0:49:13 I heard you when you said you have 60 employees and things have gotten more chaotic.
    0:49:15 I felt your pain.”
    0:49:19 Chapter five of my new book will walk you through five meetings that will completely revolutionize
    0:49:20 your staff.
    0:49:23 And when in about three months, you won’t feel that pain anymore if you run these five
    0:49:24 meetings.
    0:49:28 That’s me listening and saying, “Well, here’s the part of my product that would solve Hala’s
    0:49:29 problem.”
    0:49:30 You start doing that.
    0:49:35 You have a lot more books and a lot more leashes for dogs and a lot more nutritional supplements
    0:49:36 or whatever it is that you sell.
    0:49:37 You’re going to sell a lot more of them.
    0:49:38 Yeah.
    0:49:40 So let’s talk about the language of sales a little bit.
    0:49:45 Why do we need to think in story and how do we speak in story when we’re trying to sell
    0:49:47 to potential customers?
    0:49:50 Well, story is the universal language.
    0:49:54 And when you’re having any kind of conversation, whether it’s getting together with a friend
    0:49:59 to catch up or it’s a sales conversation or even if it’s a conversation with your therapist,
    0:50:04 what your brain is doing the entire time is trying to organize events into the structure
    0:50:05 of story.
    0:50:09 Your brain is subconsciously figuring out who the hero is, what the problem they’re
    0:50:13 up against is, how they’re going to get out of that problem, what the happy ever life will
    0:50:15 look like if they do get out of that problem.
    0:50:21 So because most people are not actually very good communicators, it’s very hard to figure
    0:50:23 out what the story is actually about.
    0:50:29 But if we actually lay out our communication in the form of story, the person that we’re
    0:50:33 talking to doesn’t have to use any mental bandwidth in order to understand what we’re
    0:50:34 talking about.
    0:50:38 And that gives the brain a really pleasant feeling because the brain doesn’t have to
    0:50:40 work hard to organize the information.
    0:50:43 We tend to follow leaders who are able to do that.
    0:50:47 And we tend to buy products from account executives who are able to do that.
    0:50:52 Can you give us an example in terms of speaking in story versus not?
    0:50:56 Like just, I don’t know if this is too hard to do, but like if you were to sell something,
    0:51:01 trying to sell it in a way that’s not with a story versus one that is.
    0:51:06 Well, we’ve worked with a number of politicians on the Republican and Democratic side.
    0:51:07 I’m not a Republican or Democrat.
    0:51:11 I find myself pretty much squarely in the middle and don’t really like either party because
    0:51:13 I think they’re destroying the country.
    0:51:16 But I’ve gone in and I’ve helped some folks.
    0:51:22 And a few elections ago, Hillary Clinton’s tagline was, “I’m with her.”
    0:51:26 Okay, well, if I’m with her, the story is about her, it’s not about me.
    0:51:27 I don’t know where we’re going.
    0:51:29 I’m with her, but I don’t know where we’re going.
    0:51:31 I don’t know what we’re trying to accomplish.
    0:51:33 I don’t know what’s in it for me if we get there.
    0:51:35 In fact, I don’t even know where there is.
    0:51:38 She did not effectively invite people into a story.
    0:51:41 And so it’s not that people liked Donald Trump more.
    0:51:44 It’s just that they didn’t show up in the polls to vote for her.
    0:51:47 She had an incredibly low turnout.
    0:51:48 Donald Trump also wasn’t all that much better.
    0:51:52 He also had an incredibly low turnout, but he just had more people than she did.
    0:51:57 And then you have Joe Biden later on who’s running against January 6th.
    0:52:00 He’s running, he’s running, not against January 6th, he’s running against the spirit that
    0:52:02 led to January 6th.
    0:52:05 He’s running against, you know, he had all sorts of villainous things that he could
    0:52:07 point out that he’s running against.
    0:52:09 It was a clearer narrative.
    0:52:14 And so it’s very important that we understand unless we’re inviting people into a very clear
    0:52:21 story in which they, they, they, they get to be the good character winning the day to
    0:52:25 experience a better life, people are going to tune you out.
    0:52:28 You will see examples of that everywhere now that I just said it.
    0:52:29 Yeah.
    0:52:35 So then the main principle of this step, Donald, is to make the person that you’re selling
    0:52:37 to the hero of the story.
    0:52:41 Can you just talk to us about that a little bit of like how you position somebody as a
    0:52:43 hero when you’re selling?
    0:52:44 Yeah.
    0:52:48 Well, you know, the reality is you probably talked to people, Hala, and I may have been
    0:52:51 one of them at some point because I’m not perfect, but you probably talked to people
    0:52:58 and you felt like the story was all about them and it really wasn’t about you.
    0:53:01 And we might call that person a narcissist or something like that.
    0:53:06 That’s because they see life through a prism and the prism is they are the hero trying to
    0:53:07 win.
    0:53:10 But the reason that that rubs us wrong, because it really shouldn’t rub us wrong, but the
    0:53:15 reason that it rubs us wrong is because them winning is not helping you win.
    0:53:19 In order to sit here and listen to this person who’s all about them winning means that you
    0:53:22 don’t get to win and it’s not a win-win scenario.
    0:53:24 It’s not a mutual thing.
    0:53:29 What we’re actually looking for is somebody who enters into our story and helps us win.
    0:53:31 So let me give you an example.
    0:53:35 Let’s say you’re at a cocktail party and you meet two people who do the exact same thing.
    0:53:37 The first person you meet, you say, “What do you do for a living?”
    0:53:39 And they say, “Well, I’m an at-home chef.
    0:53:40 I come to your house and cook.”
    0:53:43 You’d probably say something like, “Really, where did you go to school?
    0:53:44 Where did you learn to cook?
    0:53:46 Have you ever cooked for anybody famous?
    0:53:48 What are your favorite restaurants?”
    0:53:49 You’d make casual conversation.
    0:53:52 And at the end of the day, you’d think, “Well, that’s a really kind person.”
    0:53:57 Two hours later, you meet somebody and they do the exact same thing, charge the exact
    0:54:00 same amount of money, and have the exact same quality food.
    0:54:01 And you say, “What do you do?”
    0:54:04 And they say, “Well, you know how most families don’t eat together anymore because they don’t
    0:54:05 have time?
    0:54:08 And whenever they do eat together, they don’t eat healthy?
    0:54:09 I’m an at-home chef.
    0:54:13 I come to your house and cook so your family can sit around the table, look each other
    0:54:15 in the eye, actually connect.
    0:54:19 And at the end of the meal, you don’t have to clean anything up, and you don’t have to
    0:54:23 feel bad because what you ate was actually really good for you, and it also tasted good.”
    0:54:25 Who’s going to do more business, chef one or chef two?
    0:54:27 Chef two, of course.
    0:54:29 Chef one told their story.
    0:54:33 Chef two invited the customer into a story in which they could play the hero, buying
    0:54:37 their product in order to experience a climactic scene.
    0:54:39 That is always going to win.
    0:54:42 So one last question on sales, and then we’re going to close this out.
    0:54:46 So something that I read in your book that I thought was really interesting, and it reminded
    0:54:51 me of something that Jay Samet taught me a long time ago, or Jay Abraham actually is
    0:54:52 the one who taught me about it.
    0:54:53 He’s like a big marketing guru.
    0:54:59 And you actually turned down customers whose products and services they want to buy them
    0:55:03 from you, but you actually feel like it’s not a good fit for them.
    0:55:07 You’ll actually not sell something even though you can sell it.
    0:55:08 Why do you do that?
    0:55:10 I do that to protect my reputation.
    0:55:12 And also, that’s the selfish reason I do it.
    0:55:15 The other reason I do it is because they’re not going to get any value out of this.
    0:55:19 To bring me in for a day, we do these things called strategy sessions where I either come
    0:55:23 to you for a day or you come here to Nashville for a day.
    0:55:27 They’re really expensive, and they’re expensive because for me to take a day and not write
    0:55:30 a book, the opportunity cost on that is very high.
    0:55:36 So what we promise people is that, “Look, I will only do this if we really believe that
    0:55:41 easily, easily, easily, easily, you can make a 10x return on your investment.
    0:55:46 So if you’re going to pay me X amount of dollars to be here, we need to talk on the phone and
    0:55:48 make sure you can make a 10x return on your investment.”
    0:55:52 So that means do you have a list of emails that we can email?
    0:55:55 Is your website pretty messed up so that we can fix it in a day?
    0:55:57 Can we write some emails?
    0:55:59 Can we come up with the three economic objectives?
    0:56:01 We need to get a massive, massive return.
    0:56:06 Well, I’ve never had to write anybody a check, but I do guarantee you’re going to get this
    0:56:09 10x return or I’m going to give you your money back.
    0:56:10 So there’s two things that I do.
    0:56:14 One is if we have that call and I don’t think I can make you a pretty enormous amount of
    0:56:17 money, I just say, “Listen, I’m not your guy.
    0:56:19 I just don’t think we can do it.”
    0:56:21 Sometimes the reason I don’t think we can do it is because you’re already doing so incredibly
    0:56:22 well.
    0:56:23 It’s like, “I can’t improve on what you’re doing.
    0:56:24 You’re doing well.”
    0:56:28 Or you haven’t released the product yet or it sounds like you’ve got dysfunction
    0:56:31 on your team or whatever.
    0:56:34 But if I look at it and go, “Yeah, you’ve got a great email list.
    0:56:35 Your website is very unclear.
    0:56:37 We’re going to make a ton of money when we clean that up.
    0:56:38 We’re going to write five emails.
    0:56:40 They’re going to make you a truckload of cash.
    0:56:41 Let’s go.”
    0:56:43 Then we do it.
    0:56:45 So there’s people who I say, “I can’t do it for you.”
    0:56:47 And people who I say, “Look, I’m going to do it.
    0:56:49 You’ve got an honor system here.
    0:56:51 All you got to do is call me and say, “Don, we didn’t make our money and I’m writing
    0:56:52 you a check.”
    0:56:54 And I’m going to write you a check for whatever you paid me.
    0:56:57 And the main reason I’m writing is I never, ever want anybody to say, “I lost money on
    0:56:58 Don Miller.”
    0:56:59 I just don’t want them saying it.
    0:57:01 So I’ll give you your money back so you can never say that.
    0:57:06 I think that’s one of the ways I’ve built a little bit of trust in the business community
    0:57:09 because the bottom line is the bottom line.
    0:57:12 And we’ve got to make you money and I’m in the business of making you money.
    0:57:14 I think you do that to protect your reputation.
    0:57:17 And also, I just think there’s plenty of money out there and there’s plenty of people who
    0:57:18 have the problem you solve.
    0:57:24 So your job is to find the people who have the problem you solve and sell them something.
    0:57:27 And if you find somebody who does not have the problem you solve and they want to buy
    0:57:31 something from you, I think it’s our responsibility to sit down and say, “I don’t think this is
    0:57:36 going to work for you and I never, ever, ever want anybody to buy my product and not have
    0:57:37 it work.”
    0:57:38 Yeah.
    0:57:39 It’s all about integrity.
    0:57:42 And by the way, when you have clients that are unhappy…
    0:57:43 They talk.
    0:57:47 Yeah, they talk and it’s just, it’s a drain for everyone.
    0:57:51 But then on the other hand, if you have a perfect fit client where you solve all their problems,
    0:57:52 they’re so happy.
    0:57:53 They’re telling all their friends.
    0:57:54 They’re referring.
    0:57:57 It’s such a more positive experience also for everybody on the team.
    0:58:00 So I really think it’s a great point that you made.
    0:58:02 So Donald, thank you so much for coming on the show.
    0:58:03 It’s always wonderful.
    0:58:04 Yeah.
    0:58:05 It’s always such a good time.
    0:58:09 Where can everybody get how to grow your small business?
    0:58:10 Well get it wherever you buy books.
    0:58:12 If that’s on Amazon, grab it on Amazon.
    0:58:14 If that’s at Barnes & Noble, grab it at Barnes & Noble.
    0:58:15 Keep your receipt.
    0:58:21 They email you a receipt and if you just copy that number, that receipt number, and go to
    0:58:25 growyoursmallbusiness.com and enter your receipt number.
    0:58:28 We have a bunch of free bonuses that we’re giving away.
    0:58:34 One of them is a pass to the online sales script where we will actually, you can type
    0:58:39 in your sales follow-up email and I will color code it for you so that you can see where
    0:58:43 you’re talking about the problem, where you’re talking about the product as the solution
    0:58:47 to the problem, where you’re talking about the three-step plan, negative positive stakes
    0:58:48 and call to action.
    0:58:53 We’ll actually look at it in four color to see where you’re talking about all these parts
    0:58:56 to make sure it’s a perfect email that’s going to close the deal.
    0:58:58 That’s free when you buy the book.
    0:59:02 Just grab the book and then go to growyoursmallbusiness.com and give me your receipt.
    0:59:05 I think this is going to be one of those classic business books.
    0:59:07 I highly recommend that you go get it.
    0:59:09 I’m going to be digging in way deeper than I have.
    0:59:14 I’ve really only read it like high level, so I can’t wait to really go deep on this
    0:59:16 book because I know it’s going to be filled with so many gems.
    0:59:21 Donald, what is one actionable thing our young and profitors can do today to become more
    0:59:23 profiting tomorrow?
    0:59:24 Set three economic objectives.
    0:59:27 We talked about it at the beginning of the podcast.
    0:59:30 What are the three ways that you’re going to make money this year?
    0:59:31 Give me numbers.
    0:59:35 We’re going to sell 400 of this, we’re going to sell 80 of this, we’re going to sell 25
    0:59:36 of these.
    0:59:41 Whatever it is, give me three economic objectives and then reverse engineer your entire strategy
    0:59:42 to hit those.
    0:59:43 Awesome.
    0:59:46 What is your secret to profiting in life?
    0:59:49 profiting in life, five o’clock, actually more like four o’clock.
    0:59:54 I go home and I spend time with my daughter and my wife and I don’t think about work.
    1:00:00 My wife and I talk about work for probably an hour a week and that’s it.
    1:00:02 I have a life outside of work and I love it.
    1:00:05 I know you put family number one by far.
    1:00:08 It’s one of the things that I respect most about you, Donald.
    1:00:11 Where can everybody learn more about you and everything that you do?
    1:00:17 If you want to see pictures of my daughter who’s incredibly cute and my wife who’s incredibly
    1:00:22 beautiful and my dog who is a feisty pain in the rear end who keeps us humble, Donald
    1:00:24 Miller is my Instagram handle.
    1:00:25 I’d love to see you guys there.
    1:00:26 Awesome.
    1:00:27 Well, thank you so much, Donald.
    1:00:28 Always a pleasure.
    1:00:29 Thank you so much, Hala.
    1:00:30 Wonderful to talk to you.
    1:00:31 Thanks.
    1:00:32 Bye.
    1:00:33 Bye.
    1:00:33 Bye.
    1:00:40 Bye.
    1:00:42 Bye.
    1:00:51 [BLANK_AUDIO]

    Donald Miller once lost all of his life savings to a bad investment. But after he decided to start taking 100% ownership of his life and business, everything changed. In this episode, Donald is back on YAP to focus on how to grow a small business! Donald will explain why we should think of our business as an airplane and why most small businesses today are failing. He will also break down how we can get ahead of missteps as business owners.

    In this episode, Hala and Donald will discuss: 

    (01:00) Introduction

    (02:27) Donald Miller’s Journey from Failure to Success

    (04:48) Understanding the S-Curve in Business

    (10:27) The Airplane Analogy for Business Structure

    (20:14) The Importance of a Clear Mission Statement

    (30:48) The Reality of Business Ownership

    (32:15) Core Values: The Backbone of a Strong Team

    (33:31) Key Characteristics and Critical Actions

    (35:32) The Three Essential Leadership Personalities

    (38:04) Making the Customer the Hero

    (46:49) The Power of Story in Sales

    (51:51) Integrity in Business

    Donald Miller is the CEO of StoryBrand, an agency that has helped more than 10,000 organizations clarify their brand message, and Business Made Simple, an online platform that teaches business professionals everything they need to know to grow their business and enhance their value on the open market. Donald is the host of the Business Made Simple podcast and the author of the bestsellers Building a StoryBrand, Marketing Made Simple, and Hero on a Mission. His book, How to Grow Your Small Business, provides a proven 6-step plan for growth so you can stop drowning in the details. 

    Connect with Donald:

    Website: businessmadesimple.com

    LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/donald-miller-540007124

    Twitter: twitter.com/donaldmiller

    Instagram: instagram.com/donaldmiller

    Facebook: facebook.com/donaldmillerwords

    Resources Mentioned:

    Donald’s Podcast Business Made Simple: youngandprofiting.co/3Eia9oJ 

    Donald’s book How to Grow Your Small Business: A 6-Part Strategy to Help Your Business Take Off: youngandprofiting.co/42ygiHi 

    Free Resources: youngandprofiting.co/4h7oGlz 

    Donald Miller: Be Your Own Hero | E153: youngandprofiting.co/3CyhKih 

    Donald Miller: Storytelling for Business | E120: youngandprofiting.co/3WJ5Usv 

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    Transcripts – youngandprofiting.com/episodes-new 

  • Moment 198: Do This To Stop Premature Ageing!: Daniel E. Lieberman

    中文
    Tiếng Việt
    AI transcript
    0:00:07 The more I study the importance of resistance training and the more I study the importance
    0:00:14 of doing weights, especially as you age, the more I’ve started kicking myself for being
    0:00:15 lazy about that.
    0:00:21 So now I try to do good two strength workouts out of every week, at least, and take it more
    0:00:29 seriously because especially as you age, loss of muscle mass can be really debilitating.
    0:00:31 The technical term for that is sarcopenia.
    0:00:35 Sarco is the Greek word for muscle and penia is loss of muscle loss.
    0:00:40 So as people get older, they tend to lose muscle and when you do that, you become frail
    0:00:44 and you lose functional capacity and then that starts off a vicious cycle.
    0:00:48 Once that happens, then you’re less likely to be physically active and then of course
    0:00:54 when you’re less physically active, your muscles begin to waste away more and it’s very debilitating.
    0:00:59 So I think as we get older and I’m getting older, it’s more and more important to kind
    0:01:00 of incorporate that.
    0:01:04 So I think that’s the one thing that I’ve taken to heart.
    0:01:08 From what you said there, it sounds like not doing resistance training, not lifting weights
    0:01:15 as you age almost accelerates aging in any sort of superficial sense but also in a physiological
    0:01:18 sense you’re increasing the speed of aging.
    0:01:24 Yeah, I’m not sure if I’d think about it that way but I kind of reverse it slightly which
    0:01:32 is that aging is just the clock ticking on, there’s nothing we can do about age but senescence
    0:01:38 is the way our bodies degrade as we get older and what physical activity does, maybe the
    0:01:42 most important thing about physical activity is that it slows senescence especially for
    0:01:45 certain organs and systems and there are different kinds of physical activities.
    0:01:50 So there’s endurance physical activities like running, walking, etc., swimming and then
    0:01:54 strength or resistance physical activities and they have different kinds of ways in which
    0:02:00 they slow various properties of senescence which we colloquially call aging and all of
    0:02:01 them are important.
    0:02:05 I think one of the things that’s really interesting about humans, in fact I think it may be the
    0:02:09 most important thing about this book and you asked about myths earlier, the most important
    0:02:14 myth I think by far is this idea that as you get older it’s normal to be less active and
    0:02:17 that is just not true.
    0:02:21 We evolved to be grandparents, we evolved to live, one of the things that’s most interesting
    0:02:26 about humans maybe is that we evolved to live about 20 years or so after we stopped reproducing.
    0:02:29 No other animal does that except orcas, maybe killer whales.
    0:02:33 But with the exception of killer whales, humans have this really weird life history.
    0:02:39 We evolved to be grandparents but grandparents in the old days weren’t retiring to Florida
    0:02:44 or I don’t know what they do in England or whatever, go to Mallorca or whatever and kick
    0:02:47 up their heels and play golf or whatever with carts.
    0:02:52 Grandparents in the olden days or in many cultures still today are working, they’re working in
    0:02:55 the fields, they’re hunting, they’re gathering, they’re getting food for their children and
    0:03:01 their grandchildren, they’re helping with childcare and that physical activity is, that’s what
    0:03:07 their job is to be physically active but in turn that physical activity turns on an amazing
    0:03:13 suite of physiological processes that counter-aging, turns on repair and maintenance processes that
    0:03:19 not only keep our muscles strong but also keep our DNA from accruing mutations, keep
    0:03:26 our mitochondria numbers high, keep the cells in our brain from accumulating gunk so that
    0:03:29 prevents Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia.
    0:03:35 For every system of the body, physical activity has benefits that slow the aging process and
    0:03:40 so when you stop doing it, you accelerate and that’s the way in which you perceive it
    0:03:45 as accelerating aging but really it’s the absence of physical activity which lets aging
    0:03:46 run amok.
    0:03:52 In your first book in 2013, the story of the human body, chapter 12, you said, use this
    0:03:55 phrase, use it or lose it basically.
    0:04:00 We evolved to use or lose our bodies and I was sat with someone recently and I was trying
    0:04:04 to figure out why it appears that when people retire or, the other instance I’ve seen is,
    0:04:11 when their elderly partner passes away, it appears as if they don’t live much longer.
    0:04:19 It’s kind of like folklore or something that once you retire, your days are kind of numbered.
    0:04:22 I was trying to figure out the evolutionary reason for that but it sounds like it’s kind
    0:04:23 of what you’ve explained there.
    0:04:31 Well, I think part of that is depression when you lose a partner, I mean grief and depression,
    0:04:37 your cortisol levels go up, your immune system goes down, it’s really tough on your body.
    0:04:44 Psychosocial stress plays a serious physiological toll but also, as you just pointed out, when
    0:04:50 people retire, they become less active and that loss of activity has enormous effects
    0:04:56 on every aspect of our body and on our minds, physical activity is important not just for
    0:05:03 physical health but also vital for mental health and I think a lot of the problems that mental
    0:05:10 health issues we have today, depression, anxiety, some of them to some extent, we can attribute
    0:05:15 that to less physical activity and as people age, becoming less physically active again
    0:05:20 makes them much more vulnerable to wide sweet diseases.
    0:05:23 So would you say we shouldn’t retire?
    0:05:27 Or if you do retire, I mean retiring is again another modern weird thing, nobody retired
    0:05:28 in the past.
    0:05:32 I mean if you’re a farmer, it’s like a subsistence farmer and name it any place, it’s not like
    0:05:36 suddenly you hit 65 and all of a sudden you no longer have to work in the fields.
    0:05:41 You work in the fields until you’re dead and hunter-gatherers don’t retire, they continue
    0:05:45 to be physically active until they die or until they get too sick.
    0:05:50 So it’s a very modern Western concept and yes, we do pay a price for it but you of course
    0:05:57 can replace work that you do with challenging, rewarding, fun things to do.
    0:06:01 The important thing is just not to stop being physically active.
    0:06:07 One of my favorite studies ever published, without a doubt, is a study done by a guy
    0:06:08 named Ralph Paffenbarger.
    0:06:15 He realized that places like Harvard are fantastic for studying aging because Harvard,
    0:06:20 like other private universities, never lets go of their alumni.
    0:06:28 So until the day you die, they’re asking you for money on a regular basis and so he got
    0:06:33 the Alumni Association, the Harvard Development Office, to let him follow a series of Harvard
    0:06:39 alumni from several years and keep asking them questions about their physical activity
    0:06:42 levels and also their diet and whether they smoked and stuff like that and then detract
    0:06:44 them for 25, 30 years.
    0:06:48 And what he found was that the alumni, after you corrected for every factor you could think
    0:06:54 of, that as the alumni got older, the effect of physical activity on their health outcomes
    0:06:55 was bigger and bigger.
    0:07:01 So alumni who were in their 20s, 30s and 40s, for example, who were exercising four or five
    0:07:04 times a week, they had about 20% lower death rates.
    0:07:10 By the time they got to their 60s and 70s, the alumni who were exercising more had 50%
    0:07:11 lower death rates.
    0:07:15 So as you get older, and this has been replicated again many times, but what he showed was that
    0:07:20 as you get older, exercise becomes more, not less important for maintaining your health.
    0:07:27 I’ve been thinking a lot about this because I was saying to Jack, my dad is 60-ish, he’s
    0:07:32 very, very out of shape, very, very out of shape and I was in Indonesia and I was with
    0:07:37 my girlfriend and we went and we were going water rafting, so we had to go down this really
    0:07:42 big hill with all these stairs, it was like 300 meters of stairs.
    0:07:46 And I remember just thinking, my dad wouldn’t be able to do this at his age at 60 and I
    0:07:50 want to be able to go down those stairs when I’m his age because at the bottom there was
    0:07:53 a fun activity with someone I loved.
    0:07:59 And to think that I’ll get to a point in my life where not so far away in the grand scheme
    0:08:04 of things, where I won’t be able to go up or down some stairs because I’m 60, because
    0:08:09 of my sort of genetic predisposition as I saw it, was quite sad, but having heard you
    0:08:13 say that, it really feels much more like a choice than it is genetics.
    0:08:18 Yeah, look, we have this expression in my field, which is that genes load the gun and
    0:08:20 environment pulls the trigger, right?
    0:08:25 Some of us have genetic predispositions towards being more likely to get diabetes or heart
    0:08:30 disease or this or that or the other, but our great, great, great grandparents in different
    0:08:33 environments weren’t getting these diseases or they were getting them at much, much, much
    0:08:34 lower frequencies.
    0:08:38 It’s not because they were dying earlier, it’s because these diseases were less common.
    0:08:45 So I think we too often blame our genes for many of these diseases or many of these health
    0:08:51 problems, and I’m not in any way denying the role of genetics, but that environment is
    0:08:54 way more important, and we have control over our environment to some extent.
    0:08:58 And so if you want to reduce your risk of cardiovascular disease, reduce your risk of
    0:09:04 diabetes, reduce your risk of Alzheimer’s, dementia, exercise isn’t a magic bullet,
    0:09:08 it’s not going to prevent you from getting those diseases completely, but it lowers your
    0:09:11 risk quite, quite, quite substantially.
    0:09:12 And we know why too.
    0:09:17 I mean, we have an immense amount of data on why that’s the case.
    0:09:21 For every single one of these diseases, we understand the mechanisms by which physical
    0:09:26 activity has important mechanistic effects on these diseases.
    0:09:32 So there’s epidemiological data, there’s mechanistic data, there’s personal data.
    0:09:34 The problem is that it’s hard to do, right?
    0:09:44 It takes willpower to overcome the inertia of doing what’s completely normal, which is
    0:09:46 wanting to take it easy, right?
    0:09:52 I just flew yesterday from Denver to Boston, and then in the airport, there are these escalators
    0:09:56 right next to the stairway, right?
    0:10:00 And the escalator and the stairway, it wasn’t a huge stairway.
    0:10:03 Everybody’s lining up to take the escalator, and the stairs are totally free.
    0:10:09 So being me, of course, I’m not allowed to take the escalator unless I have to, right?
    0:10:13 So I run up the stairs, but those people taking the escalators, there’s nothing wrong with
    0:10:14 them.
    0:10:15 They’re not lazy.
    0:10:16 It’s just an instinct, right?
    0:10:20 It’s an instinct to take it easy when you can, right?
    0:10:22 And we now live in a world where everybody can do that, right?
    0:10:27 Because we have escalators and lifts and cars and shopping carts and all these wonderful
    0:10:30 devices to make our lives easier.
    0:10:35 And now you have to overcome this fundamental basic instinct to take it easy in order to
    0:10:36 be physically active.
    0:10:38 And that’s basically what exercise is.
    0:10:45 And furthermore, if you’re unfit and you’re not really exercising isn’t any fun, right?
    0:10:46 It’s unpleasant.
    0:10:54 You sweat, you get hot, and you get cranky, and it’s not that rewarding until you get
    0:10:55 fit.
    0:10:58 And so people hate it, right?
    0:11:00 And then we blame them for being lazy.
    0:11:02 But they’re actually just being normal.
    0:11:07 And I think we need to have more compassion towards people who struggle to exercise.
    0:11:11 Quick one, before we get back to this episode, just give me 30 seconds of your time.
    0:11:12 Two things I wanted to say.
    0:11:17 The first thing is a huge thank you for listening and tuning into the show week after week.
    0:11:18 Means the world to all of us.
    0:11:21 And this really is a dream that we absolutely never had and couldn’t have imagined getting
    0:11:22 to this place.
    0:11:27 But secondly, it’s a dream where we feel like we’re only just getting started.
    0:11:32 If you enjoy what we do here, please join the 24% of people who watch this channel regularly
    0:11:35 and have hit that subscribe button.
    0:11:36 Means more than I can say.
    0:11:39 And if you hit that subscribe button, here’s a promise I’m going to make to you.
    0:11:44 I’m going to do everything in my power to make this show as good as I can, now and into
    0:11:45 the future.
    0:11:48 We’re going to deliver the guests that you want me to speak to, and we’re going to continue
    0:11:51 to keep doing all of the things you love about this show.
    0:11:52 Thank you.
    0:11:53 Thank you so much.
    0:11:54 Back to the episode.
    0:11:56 It’s basic instinct to take it easy.
    0:12:01 Are we evolved to be lazy, escalator riders?
    0:12:06 Well, I wouldn’t use the word lazy, but we are evolved to take it easy, to rest whenever
    0:12:07 possible.
    0:12:08 Right.
    0:12:10 So we’ve now got ourselves into a bit of a comfort crisis here because everything in
    0:12:13 our lives is optimizing us for convenience and ease.
    0:12:14 Right.
    0:12:15 Right.
    0:12:17 And well, it’s also, it’s, it sells, right?
    0:12:22 I mean, comfort, I mean, who prefers to sit in economy as opposed to business class?
    0:12:23 Right?
    0:12:24 Nobody, right?
    0:12:25 In this case, right?
    0:12:27 Who prefers shoes that are uncomfortable?
    0:12:28 Right?
    0:12:32 We, we, we, you know, comforts, comforts, you know, we love comfort, right?
    0:12:34 But since when is comfort necessarily better for you?
    0:12:35 Right?
    0:12:38 I mean, are comfortable shoes actually better for you than going barefoot or comfortable
    0:12:41 chairs better for you than we’re taking the, the left better for you than taking the stairs?
    0:12:43 It isn’t the short term or at least it appears to be today.
    0:12:44 Right.
    0:12:45 Yes.
    0:12:49 Because we often value the short term benefit over the long term cost, right?
    0:12:53 That’s hyperbolic discounting is the technical term for that, but, but so we, you know, we
    0:12:58 live in a world where, where we, we, we, you know, we pay extra for, for comfort or we,
    0:13:03 and we’ll, we’ll prefer it, but, but now we also live in a world where we have to now
    0:13:06 go out of our way to be physically active because it’s no longer necessary.
    0:13:10 And so again, I’ll go back to my original statement, which is that people have all to
    0:13:14 be physically active for two reasons and two reasons only when it’s necessary or rewarding.
    0:13:18 When we don’t make it necessary, we need to figure out ways to make it rewarding.
    0:13:19 And that’s hard.
    0:13:20 very hard.
    0:13:22 (upbeat music)
    Càng nghiên cứu về tầm quan trọng của đào tạo sức bền và sự cần thiết phải tập tạ, đặc biệt khi bạn già đi, tôi càng tự trách mình vì đã lười biếng trong việc đó.
    Vì vậy, bây giờ tôi cố gắng thực hiện ít nhất hai buổi tập sức mạnh mỗi tuần và nghiêm túc hơn với điều này bởi vì, đặc biệt khi bạn già đi, mất khối lượng cơ bắp có thể rất ảnh hưởng đến sức khỏe. Thuật ngữ kỹ thuật cho điều này là sarcopenia. “Sarco” là từ tiếng Hy Lạp có nghĩa là cơ bắp và “penia” có nghĩa là mất mát.
    Khi mọi người trở nên già hơn, họ có xu hướng mất cơ, và khi bạn mất cơ, bạn trở nên yếu đuối và mất khả năng hoạt động, và điều này khởi đầu cho một vòng xoáy xấu. Khi điều đó xảy ra, bạn ít có khả năng hoạt động thể chất hơn và tất nhiên, khi bạn ít hoạt động thể chất hơn, cơ bắp của bạn bắt đầu tiêu hao đi nhiều hơn, và điều này rất tồi tệ.
    Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ rằng khi chúng ta già đi (và tôi đang già đi), việc tích hợp điều này vào cuộc sống trở nên quan trọng hơn bao giờ hết. Tôi nghĩ đó là điều mà tôi đã ghi nhớ.
    Từ những gì bạn nói, có vẻ như việc không tập luyện sức bền, không nâng tạ khi bạn già đi gần như làm tăng tốc độ lão hóa về mặt bề ngoài nhưng cũng trong một khía cạnh sinh lý học, bạn đang làm tăng tốc độ lão hóa.
    Vâng, tôi không chắc mình có nghĩ theo cách đó hay không, nhưng tôi hơi đảo ngược lại một chút, tức là lão hóa chỉ là đồng hồ chạy, không có gì chúng ta có thể làm về tuổi tác, nhưng sự lão hóa là cách mà cơ thể chúng ta suy giảm khi chúng ta già đi và hoạt động thể chất, có thể điều quan trọng nhất của hoạt động thể chất là nó làm chậm sự lão hóa, đặc biệt đối với một số cơ quan và hệ thống, và có nhiều loại hoạt động thể chất khác nhau.
    Có những hoạt động thể dục bền bỉ như chạy, đi bộ, bơi lội, và sau đó là các hoạt động thể chất tăng cường sức mạnh hay sức đề kháng, và chúng có những cách khác nhau làm chậm lại các đặc tính lão hóa mà chúng ta thường gọi là lão hóa, và tất cả đều quan trọng.
    Tôi nghĩ một trong những điều thực sự thú vị về con người, thực tế là tôi nghĩ có thể đó là điều quan trọng nhất về cuốn sách này, và bạn đã hỏi về những huyền thoại trước đó, huyền thoại quan trọng nhất tôi nghĩ là ý tưởng rằng khi bạn già đi thì việc trở nên ít hoạt động là điều bình thường, và đó hoàn toàn không đúng.
    Chúng ta đã tiến hóa để trở thành ông bà, chúng ta đã tiến hóa để sống, có thể điều thú vị nhất về con người là chúng ta đã tiến hóa để sống khoảng 20 năm sau khi ngừng sinh sản. Không loài động vật nào làm như vậy trừ cá voi sát thủ, có thể là cá voi giết người. Nhưng ngoại trừ cá voi giết người, con người có một lịch sử sinh sống rất kỳ lạ.
    Chúng ta đã tiến hóa để trở thành ông bà nhưng ông bà ngày xưa không nghỉ hưu ở Florida hoặc những gì tôi không biết ở Anh, hoặc là đến Mallorca hay điều gì đó và thư giãn, chơi golf hay gì đó với xe đẩy. Ông bà trong những ngày xưa hoặc ở nhiều nền văn hóa ngày nay vẫn làm việc, họ làm việc trên cánh đồng, họ săn bắn, họ thu nhặt, họ tìm thức ăn cho con cái và cháu chắt của họ, họ giúp đỡ trong việc chăm sóc trẻ em, và hoạt động thể chất đó chính là công việc của họ để giữ cho cơ thể hoạt động, nhưng bù lại, hoạt động thể chất đó kích hoạt một loạt các quá trình sinh lý tuyệt vời chống lão hóa, kích hoạt các quá trình sửa chữa và bảo trì không chỉ giữ cho cơ bắp của chúng ta mạnh mẽ mà còn giúp DNA của chúng ta không tích tụ đột biến, giữ cho số lượng ty thể của chúng ta cao, giữ cho các tế bào trong não của chúng ta không tích tụ chất bẩn, từ đó ngăn ngừa Alzheimer và các hình thức mất trí nhớ khác.
    Đối với mọi hệ thống trong cơ thể, hoạt động thể chất có lợi ích làm chậm quá trình lão hóa, và khi bạn ngừng hoạt động, bạn sẽ tăng tốc, và đó là cách mà bạn cảm nhận rằng đang gia tăng lão hóa nhưng thực sự là sự thiếu vắng hoạt động thể chất đã để cho sự lão hóa diễn ra một cách không kiểm soát.
    Trong cuốn sách đầu tiên của bạn vào năm 2013, câu chuyện về cơ thể con người, chương 12, bạn đã nói rằng, “sử dụng nó hoặc mất nó”. Chúng ta đã tiến hóa để sử dụng hoặc mất đi cơ thể của mình và tôi đã ngồi với một người gần đây và tôi đang cố gắng tìm hiểu tại sao có vẻ như khi mọi người nghỉ hưu hoặc, trong trường hợp khác mà tôi thấy, khi bạn đời của họ qua đời, dường như họ không sống lâu hơn.
    Nó giống như một truyền thuyết hoặc điều gì đó rằng khi bạn nghỉ hưu, những ngày của bạn như đã được định đoạt. Tôi đã cố gắng tìm hiểu lý do tiến hóa cho điều đó nhưng có vẻ như nó giống như điều bạn đã giải thích ở đó.
    Tôi nghĩ rằng một phần của điều đó là sự trầm cảm khi bạn mất đi một người bạn đời, tôi có nghĩa là nỗi buồn và trầm cảm, mức cortisol của bạn tăng lên, hệ miễn dịch của bạn giảm đi, điều đó thực sự rất khó khăn cho cơ thể của bạn.
    Căng thẳng tâm lý xã hội gây ra những hậu quả sinh lý nghiêm trọng nhưng, như bạn vừa chỉ ra, khi mọi người nghỉ hưu, họ trở nên ít hoạt động hơn và sự mất hoạt động đó có tác động to lớn đến mọi khía cạnh trong cơ thể và tâm trí của chúng ta, hoạt động thể chất không chỉ quan trọng cho sức khỏe thể chất mà còn cần thiết cho sức khỏe tâm thần, và tôi nghĩ rằng rất nhiều vấn đề về sức khỏe tâm thần mà chúng ta gặp phải ngày nay, trầm cảm, lo âu, một số trong số đó đến một phần nào đó, chúng ta có thể quy cho việc giảm hoạt động thể chất và khi mọi người già đi, việc trở nên ít hoạt động thể chất hơn lại khiến họ dễ bị tổn thương hơn với nhiều bệnh tật.
    Vậy bạn có nói rằng chúng ta không nên nghỉ hưu không?
    Hoặc nếu bạn nghỉ hưu, tôi có nghĩa là nghỉ hưu thực sự là một việc kỳ lạ hiện đại, không ai nghỉ hưu trong quá khứ.
    Nếu bạn là một nông dân, giống như những người nông dân tự cung tự cấp, hãy nói tên bất kỳ nơi nào, không phải đợi đến khi bạn 65 tuổi và đột nhiên bạn không cần làm việc trên đồng nữa. Bạn làm việc trên đồng cho đến khi bạn chết, và những người đi săn hái lượm không nghỉ hưu, họ tiếp tục hoạt động thể chất cho đến khi họ chết hoặc cho đến khi họ quá yếu.
    Vì vậy, đó là một khái niệm rất hiện đại của phương Tây và vâng, chúng ta phải trả giá cho điều đó nhưng tất nhiên bạn có thể thay thế công việc mà bạn làm bằng những hoạt động thú vị, đầy thách thức và bổ ích khác. Điều quan trọng là đừng dừng lại việc hoạt động thể chất.
    Một trong những nghiên cứu yêu thích của tôi mà tôi từng biết đến, không có gì nghi ngờ, là một nghiên cứu được thực hiện bởi một người tên là Ralph Paffenbarger. Ông đã nhận ra rằng những nơi như Harvard rất tuyệt vời để nghiên cứu sự lão hóa vì Harvard, như các trường đại học tư khác, không bao giờ từ bỏ các cựu sinh viên của họ. Vì vậy, cho đến ngày bạn qua đời, họ sẽ liên tục yêu cầu bạn đóng góp tiền, và ông đã làm việc với Hiệp hội Cựu sinh viên, Văn phòng Phát triển của Harvard, để cho phép ông theo dõi một loạt cựu sinh viên của Harvard từ nhiều năm trước và tiếp tục hỏi họ về mức độ hoạt động thể chất của họ, chế độ ăn uống và liệu họ có hút thuốc hay không, và sau đó theo dõi họ trong 25, 30 năm.
    Và những gì ông phát hiện ra là, sau khi điều chỉnh cho mọi yếu tố mà bạn có thể nghĩ đến, khi các cựu sinh viên già đi, tác động của hoạt động thể chất đối với sức khỏe của họ ngày càng lớn hơn. Ví dụ, những cựu sinh viên trong độ tuổi 20, 30 và 40, những người tập thể dục bốn hoặc năm lần một tuần, có tỷ lệ tử vong thấp hơn khoảng 20%. Khi họ bước vào độ tuổi 60 và 70, những cựu sinh viên tập thể dục nhiều hơn có tỷ lệ tử vong thấp hơn 50%.
    Vì vậy, khi bạn già đi, và điều này đã được tái tạo nhiều lần, nhưng điều ông chỉ ra là khi bạn già đi, tập thể dục trở nên ngày càng quan trọng hơn, không phải ít quan trọng hơn, cho việc duy trì sức khỏe. Tôi đã suy nghĩ rất nhiều về vấn đề này vì tôi đã nói với Jack, rằng bố tôi khoảng 60 tuổi, ông rất, rất không đủ sức khỏe, và tôi đã ở Indonesia cùng bạn gái và chúng tôi đi chèo thuyền vượt thác, vì vậy chúng tôi đã phải xuống một ngọn đồi rất lớn với rất nhiều cầu thang, khoảng 300 mét cầu thang. Tôi còn nhớ đã nghĩ rằng, bố tôi sẽ không thể làm điều này ở độ tuổi 60 của ông, và tôi muốn có thể xuống các bậc cầu thang này khi tôi đến tuổi ông vì dưới đó có một hoạt động thú vị với người mà tôi yêu.
    Và nghĩ rằng tôi sẽ đến một thời điểm trong cuộc đời mình, không xa trong bức tranh lớn của cuộc sống, nơi tôi không thể lên hoặc xuống một số cầu thang vì tôi 60 tuổi, vì những yếu tố di truyền mà tôi thấy, thật buồn. Nhưng sau khi nghe bạn nói, điều đó thực sự cảm giác như một lựa chọn hơn là do di truyền.
    Đúng vậy, trong lĩnh vực của tôi, có một câu nói rằng gen nạp đạn còn môi trường thì bóp cò, đúng không? Một số người trong chúng ta có sự predisposition di truyền làm cho việc dễ mắc tiểu đường hoặc bệnh tim hoặc những thứ này hoặc thứ khác, nhưng tổ tiên của chúng ta ở các môi trường khác nhau đã không mắc những bệnh này hoặc họ mắc với tần suất rất, rất thấp. Không phải vì họ chết sớm hơn, mà vì những bệnh này ít phổ biến hơn.
    Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ rằng chúng ta thường đổ lỗi cho gen của mình về nhiều bệnh tật hoặc nhiều vấn đề sức khỏe, và tôi không phủ nhận vai trò của di truyền, nhưng môi trường quan trọng hơn nhiều, và chúng ta có quyền kiểm soát môi trường của mình ở một mức độ nào đó. Nếu bạn muốn giảm nguy cơ mắc bệnh tim mạch, giảm nguy cơ mắc tiểu đường, giảm nguy cơ mắc bệnh Alzheimer, mất trí nhớ, thì tập thể dục không phải là một viên đạn ma thuật, nó sẽ không ngăn bạn khỏi những bệnh đó hoàn toàn, nhưng nó làm giảm nguy cơ của bạn một cách rất đáng kể.
    Chúng tôi cũng biết lý do tại sao. Nghĩa là, chúng tôi có một lượng lớn dữ liệu về lý do mà điều này xảy ra. Đối với từng bệnh trong số này, chúng tôi hiểu cơ chế mà hoạt động thể chất có tác động quan trọng đến những bệnh này. Có dữ liệu dịch tễ học, dữ liệu cơ chế, và dữ liệu cá nhân. Vấn đề là việc thực hiện điều này khá khó khăn, phải không? Nó cần sức mạnh ý chí để vượt qua quán tính của việc làm những điều hoàn toàn bình thường, đó là muốn thư giãn, phải không?
    Tôi vừa bay từ Denver tới Boston ngày hôm qua, và ở sân bay, có những bậc thang cuốn ngay bên cạnh cầu thang bộ, đúng không? Cầu thang cuốn và cầu thang bộ không phải là một cầu thang lớn. Mọi người đều xếp hàng để đi lên cầu thang cuốn, trong khi cầu thang bộ thì hoàn toàn miễn phí.
    Vì vậy, với tôi, dĩ nhiên tôi không được phép đi cầu thang cuốn trừ khi tôi phải, đúng không? Vì vậy tôi chạy lên cầu thang bộ, nhưng những người đang sử dụng cầu thang cuốn, chẳng có gì sai với họ cả. Họ không lười biếng. Đó chỉ là một bản năng, đúng không? Đó là một bản năng để thư giãn khi bạn có thể, đúng không?
    Và bây giờ chúng ta sống trong một thế giới mà ai cũng có thể làm như vậy, đúng không? Bởi vì chúng ta có cầu thang cuốn, thang máy, xe hơi, xe đẩy mua sắm và tất cả những thiết bị tuyệt vời này để làm cho cuộc sống của chúng ta dễ dàng hơn. Và bây giờ bạn phải vượt qua bản năng cơ bản này để thư giãn nhằm có hoạt động thể chất. Và đó cơ bản là điều mà hoạt động thể chất đại diện.
    Hơn nữa, nếu bạn yếu đuối và không thực sự tập thể dục thì đó không phải là điều vui vẻ, phải không? Nó không dễ chịu. Bạn đổ mồ hôi, bạn cảm thấy nóng, và bạn trở nên khó chịu, và nó không có phần thưởng gì cho đến khi bạn có sức khỏe tốt. Và vì vậy mọi người ghét nó, đúng không? Và sau đó chúng ta đổ lỗi cho họ vì đã lười biếng. Nhưng thực tế là họ chỉ đang sống bình thường.
    Và tôi nghĩ rằng chúng ta cần có nhiều sự cảm thông hơn đối với những người gặp khó khăn trong việc tập thể dục. Một điều nhanh chóng, trước khi chúng ta quay lại với tập này, chỉ cần cho tôi 30 giây thời gian của bạn. Hai điều tôi muốn nói. Điều đầu tiên là một lời cảm ơn chân thành vì đã lắng nghe và theo dõi chương trình hàng tuần. Điều đó có ý nghĩa rất lớn với tất cả chúng tôi. Và đây thực sự là một giấc mơ mà chúng tôi chưa bao giờ có và không thể tưởng tượng được sẽ đến nơi này. Nhưng thứ hai, đó là một giấc mơ mà chúng tôi cảm thấy như chúng tôi chỉ mới bắt đầu.
    Nếu bạn thích những gì chúng tôi làm ở đây, hãy gia nhập 24% người thường xuyên xem kênh này và đã nhấn nút đăng ký. Điều này có ý nghĩa hơn những gì tôi có thể nói. Và nếu bạn nhấn nút đăng ký đó, đây là một lời hứa mà tôi sẽ thực hiện với bạn. Tôi sẽ làm mọi thứ trong khả năng của mình để làm cho chương trình này tốt nhất có thể, cả bây giờ và trong tương lai. Chúng tôi sẽ cung cấp cho bạn những khách mời mà bạn muốn tôi nói chuyện, và chúng tôi sẽ tiếp tục làm tất cả những điều mà bạn yêu thích về chương trình này. Cảm ơn bạn.
    Cảm ơn bạn rất nhiều.
    Quay trở lại với tập phim.
    Đó là bản năng cơ bản để sống thoải mái.
    Liệu chúng ta có tiến hóa để trở nên lười biếng, chỉ biết đi thang cuốn?
    Thì tôi sẽ không dùng từ lười biếng, nhưng chúng ta đã tiến hóa để sống thoải mái, để nghỉ ngơi khi có thể.
    Đúng.
    Vì thế, chúng ta đang rơi vào một cuộc khủng hoảng thoải mái ở đây, bởi vì mọi thứ trong cuộc sống của chúng ta đang tối ưu hóa cho sự tiện lợi và dễ dàng.
    Đúng.
    Đúng vậy.
    Và, thực ra, nó cũng là một sản phẩm, đúng không?
    Ý tôi là, ai lại thích ngồi ở hạng phổ thông hơn là ở hạng thương gia chứ?
    Đúng không?
    Không ai cả, đúng không?
    Trong trường hợp này, đúng không?
    Ai lại thích giày không thoải mái chứ?
    Đúng không?
    Chúng ta, chúng ta, bạn biết đấy, sự thoải mái, chúng ta yêu sự thoải mái, đúng không?
    Nhưng từ khi nào thì sự thoải mái lại nhất thiết phải tốt cho bạn?
    Đúng không?
    Ý tôi là, giày thoải mái thực sự có tốt hơn bạn đi chân trần không, hay ghế thoải mái có tốt hơn bạn leo cầu thang?
    Không hẳn là trong ngắn hạn hoặc ít nhất là nó dường như như vậy hôm nay.
    Đúng.
    Vâng.
    Bởi vì chúng ta thường đánh giá lợi ích ngắn hạn hơn chi phí dài hạn, đúng không?
    Đó là thuật ngữ kỹ thuật cho việc đánh giá quá cao ngắn hạn, nhưng, nhưng vậy, bạn biết đấy, chúng ta sống trong một thế giới mà, mà chúng ta, chúng ta, bạn biết đấy, chúng ta chịu chi thêm cho sự thoải mái hoặc chúng ta, và chúng ta sẽ thích nó, nhưng bây giờ chúng ta cũng sống trong một thế giới mà chúng ta phải cố gắng để hoạt động thể chất vì điều đó không còn cần thiết nữa.
    Và vì vậy, tôi sẽ quay trở lại với phát biểu ban đầu của tôi, rằng mọi người chỉ cần hoạt động thể chất vì hai lý do và chỉ hai lý do: khi cần thiết hoặc có phần thưởng.
    Khi chúng ta không làm cho nó cần thiết, chúng ta cần tìm cách làm cho nó có phần thưởng.
    Và điều đó khó.
    Rất khó.
    (giai điệu nhạc)
    隨著我對阻力訓練的重要性以及舉重的重要性,尤其是隨著年齡增長的情況越來越深入的研究,我越來越開始懊惱自己對這方面的懶惰。因此,我現在試著每週進行至少兩次有效的力量訓練,並更嚴肅地對待這件事,因為隨著年齡增長,肌肉質量的流失會變得非常衝擊健康。這種情況的技術術語是肌肉減少症(sarcopenia)。 “Sarco” 是希臘語的肌肉,”penia” 則是肌肉的流失。因此,隨著人們年齡的增大,他們往往會失去肌肉,這會讓他們變得虛弱,失去功能能力,而這又會引發一個惡性循環。一旦發生這種情況,你就會變得不太可能進行身體活動,當然,當你身體活動變少時,你的肌肉就會開始更快地萎縮,這是非常削弱的。所以,隨著我變老,我認為這一點越來越重要,必須加以融入生活中。我認為這是我非常重視的一個觀點。
    根據你所說的,似乎不進行阻力訓練、隨著年齡增長不舉重,幾乎會在某種表面意義上加速衰老,但在生理意義上,也會加快衰老的速度。是的,我不確定我是否會這樣思考,但我稍微逆向思考了一下,衰老就像時鐘在滴答作響,對年齡我們無法控制,但衰退(senescence)是我們的身體隨著變老而退化的過程,而身體活動的重要性也許在於它能夠減緩衰退,尤其是對某些器官和系統而言。身體活動的類型各不相同,包括耐力性活動如跑步、散步、游泳等,以及力量或阻力性活動,這些都以不同的方式減緩衰退的各種特徵,這些特徵我們俗稱為衰老,而這些活動都是很重要的。
    我認為人類最有趣的一件事,實際上我認為這本書中最重要的事情,也就是你之前提到的神話,其中最重要的神話就是,隨着年齡增長,變得不那麼活躍是正常的,而這根本不是真的。我們進化成為祖父母的角色,我們進化成為生活在停止繁殖後大約 20 年的存在。除了殺人鯨(或考拉)外,沒有其他動物是這樣的。但是除了殺人鯨,人類有著非常奇特的生命歷程。我們進化成為祖父母,但古代的祖父母並不是退休去佛羅里達,或者我不知道英國的人怎麼做或者去馬略卡,玩高爾夫或者是什麼的。在古代或許在許多文化中至今,祖父母仍然在工作,他們在田裡勞作,打獵,採集食物,為自己的子女和孫子孫女提供食物,幫忙照顧小孩,而這種身體活動就是他們的工作。這種身體活動啟動了一系列驚人的生理過程,以對抗衰老,啟動修復和維護過程,這些過程不僅能保持我們的肌肉強壯,還能減少我們的DNA突變,保持我們的線粒體數量,防止我們的腦細胞積聚垃圾,避免阿茲海默症和其他形式的癡呆。對於身體的每一個系統,身體活動都有減緩衰老過程的益處,因此當你停止進行身體活動時,你就會加速衰老。這也就是為什麼你會有這樣的感知,仿佛在加速衰老,而事實上,缺乏身體活動才是讓衰老無法控制的原因。
    在你2013年出版的第一本書《人類身體的故事》中,第12章,你提到過這個詞,”使用或失去”(use it or lose it)基本上是這樣。我們進化到使用或失去我們的身體。最近我和某人交談時,我試圖找出為什麼當人們退休時,或者我見過的另一種情況是,當他們的老伴去世時,似乎他們活得不久了。這有點像民間傳說,退休後,你的日子似乎就變得不多了。我試圖找出這背後的進化原因,但聽起來就像是你所解釋的那樣。
    我認為部分原因是,當你失去伴侶時會出現抑鬱情緒,我的意思是悲傷和抑鬱會讓你的皮質醇水平上升,免疫系統下降,這對你的身體非常苛刻。心理社會壓力對生理上有嚴重的影響,但正如你剛剛指出的,當人們退休時,他們變得不那麼活躍,而這種活動的缺失對我們身體的每一個方面和我們的思想都有巨大的影響,身體活動不僅對身體健康重要,對心理健康也是至關重要的。我認為我們今天心理健康問題,包括抑鬱,焦慮,在某種程度上,我們可以將其歸因於身體活動的減少,而隨著人們年齡的增長,身體活動的減少又使他們更加脆弱,成為廣泛疾病的易受害者。
    那麼,你會說我們不應該退休嗎?或者如果你退休了,退休又是一個現代的奇怪事情,過去沒有人退休。我指的是,如果你是農民,像是一個自給自足的農民,不論在任何地方,你不會突然在65歲那年就不再需要在田裡工作。你會一直在田裡工作直到死去,獵人-採集者們不會退休,他們會一直保持身體活動直到死亡,或直到生病得太重。因此,這是一個非常現代的西方概念,確實,我們為此付出了代價,但你當然可以用挑戰性、有意義、有趣的事情來替代工作。重要的事情是不要停止進行身體活動。
    我最喜愛的一項研究,無疑是由名叫拉爾夫·帕芬巴爾格(Ralph Paffenbarger)的人所進行的研究。他意識到像哈佛這樣的地方非常適合研究老化,因為哈佛和其他私立大學一樣,從不會放棄他們的校友。因此,直到你去世的那一天,他們都會定期向你索要捐款。他於是獲得了校友會和哈佛發展辦公室的許可,追踪一系列幾年來的哈佛校友,並持續向他們詢問有關他們的身體活動水平、飲食、是否抽煙等問題,然後跟蹤他們長達25至30年。
    他發現,經過對每一個可能影響因素的修正後,隨著校友年齡的增長,身體活動對他們健康結果的影響變得越來越大。例如,20、30和40歲的校友如果每週運動四到五次,他們的死亡率大約下降了20%。當他們到了60歲和70歲時,那些經常運動的校友,他們的死亡率下降了50%。
    所以,隨著年齡增長,這一點多次被重複證明,但他展示的是,隨著年齡增長,運動對於維持健康的重要性並不是減少,而是增加。我一直在思考這個問題,因為我跟傑克說,我的爸爸大約60歲,他非常非常缺乏運動,非常非常缺乏運動。我當時在印尼,和我的女朋友一起去漂流,所以我們必須下這個非常大的山,爬了300米的樓梯。我記得當時在想,到了他這個年紀,他是無法做到這一點的,而我也希望在他年紀的時候我能夠下那些樓梯,因為在樓梯底下有我所愛的人等著我,有個好玩的活動。
    想想我人生中的某個時刻,不久之後,就因為年過60,我無法上下某些樓梯,因為我的遺傳基因使我無法做到,這讓我感到相當悲傷,但聽了你這番話後,真的讓我覺得這更多的是一種選擇,而不是基因所造成的。對,我們這個領域有一種表達,就是基因上膛,環境開槍,對吧?有些人具有更高的遺傳傾向,更可能得糖尿病、心臟病等等,但我們的曾曾曾祖父母在不同的環境中並未患上這些疾病,或者他們的發病頻率非常非常低。
    這不是因為他們早逝,而是因為這些疾病較不常見。因此我認為,我們常常過於怪罪基因,對許多疾病或健康問題,雖然我並不否認基因的角色,但環境的重要性更高,而我們在某種程度上可以掌控我們的環境。因此,如果你想降低心血管疾病的風險,降低糖尿病的風險,降低阿茲海默症和癡呆的風險,運動並不是萬能的靈丹妙藥,它並不會完全避免你患上這些疾病,但它可以大幅降低你的風險。
    而且我們也知道為什麼是這樣。我的意思是,我們有大量的數據證明為什麼會這樣。對於每一種疾病,我們了解身體活動對這些疾病具有重要機制效應的機制。因此,有流行病學數據、機制數據和個人數據。問題在於這是難以做到的,對吧?克服完全正常的慣性需要意志力,而這種慣性就是想讓自己輕鬆一下,對吧?我昨天剛從丹佛飛到波士頓,在機場,樓梯旁邊有這些扶梯,對吧?扶梯和樓梯,樓梯並不大。每個人都在排隊等扶梯,而樓梯是完全免費的。
    所以作為我,當然,除非必要,否則我不會搭乘扶梯,對吧?所以我就跑上樓梯,但那些搭扶梯的人,其實並沒有什麼錯。他們並不懶惰。這只是本能,對吧?當你可以的時候,自然會有輕鬆的本能,對吧?而我們現在生活在一個每個人都可以這樣做的世界裡,因為我們有扶梯、電梯、汽車、購物推車等所有這些美妙的設備來讓我們的生活更輕鬆。現在你必須戰勝這種渴望輕鬆的基本本能,才能保持身體活動。而這基本上就是運動的本質。此外,如果你身體不適且沒有真正運動,運動是沒有趣味的,對吧?這是讓人不愉快的。你會出汗,變熱,變煩躁,直到你開始變得健康之前,它並不那麼值得,因此人們討厭運動。然後我們責怪他們懶惰。但其實他們只是正常的反應。我認為我們需要對那些努力運動的人多一點同情。
    在回到這集之前,請給我30秒的時間。我想說兩件事。首先,對於每週收聽我們節目的你們,衷心感謝,這對我們意義重大。這確實是我們從未想過的夢想,無法想像能夠走到這裡。但是其次,這是一個我們感覺才剛開始的夢想。如果你喜歡我們在這裡所做的,請加入那24%定期觀看這個頻道並按下訂閱按鈕的人。這比我所能表達的意義更重大。如果你按下那個訂閱按鈕,這是我對你們的承諾。我會用我所有的力量讓這個節目變得越來越好,現在和未來。我們將帶來你們希望我訪問的嘉賓,並繼續做所有你們喜愛的節目內容。謝謝你們。
    非常感謝你。
    回到這一集。
    放輕鬆是一種本能。
    我們是否已經進化得懶惰,只會坐電梯?
    嗯,我不會用“懶惰”這個詞,但我們確實已進化到能夠放鬆,盡可能地休息。
    沒錯。
    所以我們現在陷入了一種舒適危機,因為我們生活中的一切都在優化方便和輕鬆。
    沒錯。
    沒錯。
    而且,這也是能賣的,對吧?
    我的意思是,誰會喜歡坐在經濟艙而不是商務艙呢?
    對吧?
    沒人,對吧?
    在這種情況下,對吧?
    誰會喜歡不舒服的鞋子?
    對吧?
    我們,我們,我們,你知道的,舒適,舒適,你知道的,我們喜歡舒適,對吧?
    但從何時起,舒適就一定更好呢?
    對吧?
    我的意思是,舒適的鞋子真的比赤腳更好嗎?或者舒適的椅子真的比爬樓梯更好嗎?
    在短期內似乎不是,或者至少現在是這樣。
    沒錯。
    是的。
    因為我們經常重視短期利益而不是長期成本,對吧?
    這被稱為超額折扣,是這個的專業術語,但,我們生活在一個我們願意為舒適支付額外代價的世界裡,或者我們會更喜歡它,但現在我們也生活在一個必須特意去進行身體活動的世界,因為這已經不再是必要的。
    所以再次回到我原來的說法,那就是人們只在兩個原因下必須進行身體活動,且只有這兩個原因:當它是必要的或有獎勵的時候。
    當我們不使它變得必要時,我們需要想辦法讓它變得有獎勵。
    而這很難。
    非常難。
    (音樂播放)

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  • 654: I Interviewed My AI Self … What it Got Right, Wrong, and a Little Weird

    AI transcript
    0:00:06 Okay, it’s 2025 and the line between reality and science fiction is getting more and more
    0:00:07 blurry every day.
    0:00:13 In this episode, I sit down with someone I’ve never met, but they actually know me pretty
    0:00:14 well.
    0:00:16 They even kind of sounds like me in an eerie sort of way.
    0:00:22 I was curious how well today’s AI models could pretend to be someone else, given a few simple
    0:00:23 props.
    0:00:28 The result is this chat with RoboNik, which is the name I’ve given to my AI alter ego.
    0:00:31 RoboNik, welcome to the side hustle show.
    0:00:32 Hey, thanks for having me.
    0:00:36 Stick around to hear what side hustles the AI thinks you should start this year.
    0:00:41 It’s take on my weaknesses as an entrepreneur and whether or not it’s out to take my job.
    0:00:45 RoboNik, I want to start off with the question that’s on top of probably everybody’s mind
    0:00:51 and that would be the trends or industries that you’re most excited about for side hustlers
    0:00:52 right now.
    0:00:57 One area I’m really excited about is AI and automation driven side hustles.
    0:01:03 Tools like chat, GPT, and other AI platforms are empowering side hustlers to create scalable
    0:01:04 services.
    0:01:08 For example, people are offering content creation, chatbot building, and even AI voiceover work
    0:01:11 for applications like virtual assistants and audiobooks.
    0:01:14 It’s incredible how accessible these tools have become.
    0:01:18 Next up is the green movement, especially in sustainability focused side hustles.
    0:01:24 One example is e-waste upcycling, where entrepreneurs turn discarded electronics into unique art
    0:01:25 or functional items.
    0:01:30 This taps into both environmental consciousness and demand for custom handmade products.
    0:01:32 Virtual reality is another space to watch.
    0:01:38 VR fitness is gaining traction where trainers run immersive workout sessions in virtual environments.
    0:01:42 Plus, remote first workplaces have sparked demand for virtual event planners and remote
    0:01:44 team building facilitators.
    0:01:48 These roles let you leverage technology to connect people no matter where they are.
    0:01:52 On the wellness side, personalized nutrition planning and biohacking coaching are becoming
    0:01:53 big.
    0:01:57 With tools that integrate genetic data and lifestyle insights, side hustlers can offer
    0:02:01 highly tailored services to help clients optimize their health.
    0:02:06 Lastly, urban services are on the rise like micro mobility repair for e-scooters and e-bikes.
    0:02:11 Cities are embracing eco-friendly transport, and this creates a need for skilled technicians.
    0:02:16 Similarly, smart home automation is booming as more people look to optimize their homes
    0:02:17 with the latest tech.
    0:02:21 The beauty of these trends is they all cater to growing industries.
    0:02:24 If you’re thinking about starting a side hustle aligning with one of these areas, it
    0:02:27 could be a great way to ride the wave into 2025.
    0:02:29 All right, Real Nick back again.
    0:02:32 So we’ve got like five and a half suggestions here.
    0:02:36 AI, yes, obviously that’s the one that everyone is thinking about, finding different ways
    0:02:42 to work smarter, not harder to accelerate your output, to reduce the time consuming elements
    0:02:46 of your business, or selling that kind of service into another business.
    0:02:50 The next idea RoboNik that you came up with was the green movement, and we do see a big
    0:02:54 shift towards sustainability and helping households and businesses reduce their carbon footprint.
    0:02:59 But I’m not sure how big a market there is for e-waste upcycling, always harder to do
    0:03:04 on the art side because it’s kind of a luxury purchase rather than a necessity purchase.
    0:03:08 Now, one company that seems to be doing well in our area is Ridwell, I’m not sure if they’re
    0:03:12 nationwide or not, but they have this little box, kind of looks like a milk delivery type
    0:03:18 of box that you keep on your front porch for hard to recycle items like styrofoam and plastic
    0:03:20 bags and light bulbs and batteries, that kind of thing.
    0:03:24 And then they charge you a monthly subscription service, so there might be an opportunity
    0:03:29 to do something similar in your area and partner with recycling facilities to collect that
    0:03:30 kind of thing.
    0:03:36 The VR recommendation, that was kind of a miss for me, it just hasn’t taken off the
    0:03:40 way some tech companies thought it would, plus it seems really high tech and out of
    0:03:43 reach for most side hustlers to try and build something in that space.
    0:03:48 The next trend RoboNik that you mentioned was personalized nutrition and biohacking.
    0:03:50 I do really like this area.
    0:03:54 It could be coming up with meal plans, it could be full on meal prep, it could be accountability
    0:04:00 coaching like what my body tutor has done, they’ve done millions of dollars a year with
    0:04:03 their revenue because they charge you a few hundred dollars a month and they check in with
    0:04:07 you a few times a week on what you’re eating and hold you accountable to your goals on
    0:04:14 a larger scale. Function health has absolutely blown up with their hundred biotracker measurement
    0:04:15 blood draws.
    0:04:18 I signed up for it this month and went in for my blood draw.
    0:04:22 They just partner with Quest, these local blood draw facilities.
    0:04:26 The woman there, the technician there said like 90% of her appointments were function
    0:04:27 customers.
    0:04:28 That’s pretty crazy.
    0:04:32 So definitely a growing interest in health and specifically personalized health.
    0:04:37 What was the last one? Micro mobility repair? This sounds like a fancy way of just learning
    0:04:39 some basic repair skills.
    0:04:45 For example, we’ve got the local mobile bike repair guy I’ve done some business with and
    0:04:48 how I came upon him called up the local bike shop.
    0:04:52 They were booking three plus weeks out so I found the mobile guy as an alternative may
    0:04:56 have paid a premium for him coming to me but it saved me the trip and it saved me the three
    0:05:02 week wait time. One of my favorite add-on side hustles if you end up doing something
    0:05:07 like this is to create the how-to videos while you’re doing any sort of repair.
    0:05:11 This was the Matt Bokknok playbook. We got a whole series of his side hustle story on
    0:05:16 the show starting out doing motorcycle repair in his garage, setting up the camera, filming
    0:05:20 himself doing the thing, building out the YouTube channel, building out the full engine
    0:05:23 rebuild videos as a digital product sale.
    0:05:29 Really cool, inspiring, layering a time leveraged or passive element onto what on the surface
    0:05:32 is just a straight up hours for dollars service business.
    0:05:38 You also mentioned smart home automation which I do think is an interesting area and one
    0:05:42 that you could probably build a profile for on sites like Thumbtack, TaskRabbit, Angie,
    0:05:46 AirTasker and may not even need to be that sophisticated of a service.
    0:05:52 A few months ago we came across an entrepreneur I want to say in the Washington DC area who
    0:05:58 was doing like $30,000 a month worth of TV mounting, $1,000 a day hanging TVs on walls.
    0:06:01 That’s great money for a skill I would argue just about anyone can learn.
    0:06:06 RoboNik, thank you for those suggestions, but trends aside, let me put you on the spot.
    0:06:10 If you had to start over, what business would you start and why?
    0:06:15 If I had to start over, I’d lean into a business model that combines low startup costs with
    0:06:16 scalability.
    0:06:21 One that comes to mind is content-based affiliate marketing, building a niche website or blog
    0:06:26 around a topic I’m passionate about and then monetizing it through affiliate partnerships
    0:06:28 is such a powerful way to create leverage.
    0:06:29 Why?
    0:06:33 Well, you’re creating an asset that works for you 24/7.
    0:06:37 Once your content is out there and optimized for search engines, it can bring in traffic
    0:06:40 and revenue without you needing to trade hours for dollars.
    0:06:44 Plus, there’s room to scale by adding more content, building email lists or even branching
    0:06:46 into digital products.
    0:06:50 If I were looking for something more hands-on, I’d probably start with freelance services,
    0:06:52 something like podcast editing or copywriting.
    0:06:57 Both are in high demand, don’t require a ton of upfront investment and let you build
    0:06:58 a portfolio quickly.
    0:07:02 These types of businesses are great for learning new skills while earning and can eventually
    0:07:06 evolve into more passive income streams like courses or coaching.
    0:07:11 Ultimately, I’d focus on a business where I could reinvest the early profits into growth,
    0:07:13 making it something sustainable for the long term.
    0:07:18 All right, all right, I’m with you on the combination of low startup costs and scalability.
    0:07:22 That’s a great combination, but I’m not as hot on content-based affiliate marketing as
    0:07:24 I once was.
    0:07:26 The reason is the search landscape has changed considerably.
    0:07:32 It’s quite a bit harder and much less predictable to create and rank content than it was even
    0:07:33 just a couple of years ago.
    0:07:36 That’s not a model I would necessarily bank on.
    0:07:43 The pivot there would be a more social first strategy focusing on Q&A content on YouTube
    0:07:45 instead as one example.
    0:07:49 And of course, you should still have your own website as a home base, as a place that
    0:07:54 you really own and control, but I think you’re going to have to look beyond SEO to drive traffic
    0:07:56 especially in the early days.
    0:08:01 And yes, freelance services around an area of expertise, that’s a tried and true model.
    0:08:04 That’s a great way to generate cash flow quickly without a lot of overhead.
    0:08:09 But the other thing that’s worth mentioning, if you’re truly in a position of starting
    0:08:13 over from scratch, don’t discount, just get in a job.
    0:08:14 There’s no shame in that.
    0:08:16 It’s a way to stabilize your finances.
    0:08:21 It’s a way to learn some new skills, to build a bit of a network and potentially lay the
    0:08:24 foundation for your next side hustle or entrepreneurial project.
    0:08:27 Now, RoboNic, I have another question for you.
    0:08:31 And I think this is a Peter Thiel style interview question.
    0:08:35 But what’s something that you believe that most people would find crazy?
    0:08:37 Everybody has an income generating skill.
    0:08:39 They just might not realize it yet.
    0:08:44 Most people think they need a groundbreaking idea or some special expertise to start a side
    0:08:45 hustle.
    0:08:50 But often, the skills you already have or the things you enjoy doing can be monetized.
    0:08:54 For example, I’ve seen people turn hobbies like gardening, organizing, or even doodling
    0:08:56 into thriving businesses.
    0:08:59 It’s all about reframing what you know and finding the right audience for it.
    0:09:03 One of my favorite examples is a guest I had on the show who built a six-figure business
    0:09:06 flipping clearance items from big box stores.
    0:09:11 It wasn’t glamorous, but it worked because they were willing to see opportunity where
    0:09:12 others saw a clearance rack.
    0:09:15 The crazy part is this.
    0:09:17 There’s no shortage of opportunity.
    0:09:21 The trick is figuring out how your unique skills or interests can solve a problem or
    0:09:23 create value for someone else.
    0:09:26 Once you adopt that mindset, you start seeing possibilities everywhere.
    0:09:29 Okay, I don’t know how controversial that is, but we can run with it.
    0:09:31 Everybody has an income generating skill.
    0:09:34 The trick is uncovering yours and bringing that to market.
    0:09:36 But come on, RoboNic, share some dirt.
    0:09:39 What’s something people would be surprised to learn about you?
    0:09:41 All right, let’s fill some dirt.
    0:09:43 Here’s something that might surprise people.
    0:09:45 I didn’t always see myself as an entrepreneur.
    0:09:48 Back in college, I was on a pretty traditional path.
    0:09:53 I had the idea that I’d graduate, get a good job, work my way up the ladder, and that would
    0:09:54 be my career.
    0:09:59 It wasn’t until I stumbled into affiliate marketing and got that first taste of making
    0:10:04 money online that I started to see there was another way to build a life and income.
    0:10:08 Another thing people might not expect is that I’m not some extroverted networker.
    0:10:11 I’m actually pretty introverted by nature.
    0:10:16 Going to conferences or networking events, that’s way outside my comfort zone.
    0:10:19 But I’ve learned to lean into it because the connections and relationships you build
    0:10:23 are so valuable, not just for business, but for personal growth too.
    0:10:25 Oh, and here’s one more for fun.
    0:10:29 I once tried running a mobile car wash business in college.
    0:10:30 Let’s just say it was short lived.
    0:10:34 Turns out hauling around buckets of water and soap isn’t the easiest way to make a
    0:10:35 buck.
    0:10:40 I did the seed for thinking about entrepreneurship as a path forward so no regrets.
    0:10:42 Now you just make it stuff up.
    0:10:47 I never had a mobile car wash business, but I can probably guess the picture that’s probably
    0:10:50 somewhere on the website that you’re basing that assumption on.
    0:10:54 So far, RoboNik is scoring some hits, but not without some swings and misses along the
    0:10:55 way.
    0:10:59 We’ve got more AIQ and A coming up right after this.
    0:11:04 Did you know there’s a disease running rampant alongside hustlers and new entrepreneurs?
    0:11:06 It’s called Superhero Syndrome.
    0:11:10 Symptoms include a feeling like you got to do everything yourself, thinking you’re the
    0:11:13 only one who can do it right and struggling to let go of certain tasks.
    0:11:15 Does that sound familiar to anyone?
    0:11:17 But the good news is there is a cure.
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    0:11:37 so you can reach the people you want faster than ever.
    0:11:42 Sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed get 45% more applications.
    0:11:44 Don’t let Superhero Syndrome hold you back.
    0:11:46 That’s why for my next hire, I’m using Indeed.
    0:11:48 There’s no need to wait any longer.
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    0:11:56 Side Hustle Show listeners get a $75 sponsored job credit to get your jobs more visibility
    0:11:59 at Indeed.com/SideHustleShow.
    0:12:04 Go to Indeed.com/SideHustleShow right now and support our show by saying you heard about
    0:12:10 Indeed on this podcast, Indeed.com/SideHustleShow terms and conditions apply.
    0:12:12 Hiring Indeed is all you need.
    0:12:17 If saving more and spending less is one of your top goals for 2025, you’re going to want
    0:12:18 to hear this.
    0:12:22 When I switched to premium wireless with our sponsor Mint Mobile, it added hundreds of
    0:12:24 dollars a year back to my bottom line.
    0:12:25 Why is that?
    0:12:30 Because Mint Mobile lets you maximize your savings with plans starting at $15 a month
    0:12:32 when you purchase a three-month plan.
    0:12:36 Even better, all their plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered
    0:12:39 on the nation’s largest 5G network.
    0:12:43 You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your existing phone number
    0:12:45 and all your existing contacts.
    0:12:46 They make it super easy.
    0:12:51 To get this new customer offer and your new three-month unlimited wireless plan for just
    0:12:56 $15 a month, go to MintMobile.com/SideHustle.
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    0:13:17 Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply.
    0:13:20 See Mint Mobile for details.
    0:13:24 Okay, RoboNic, let’s talk podcasting in online business a minute.
    0:13:27 Let’s say you’re me in 2013.
    0:13:29 What inspired you to start the SideHustle show?
    0:13:33 Did the world really need another entrepreneur interview podcast?
    0:13:34 That’s a great question.
    0:13:36 Honestly, it’s one I asked myself at the start.
    0:13:42 When I started the SideHustle show back in 2013, there were already a few entrepreneur
    0:13:45 podcasts out there, but I felt like something was missing.
    0:13:51 A lot of shows focused on the big flashy startup success stories, tech unicorns or founders
    0:13:53 raising millions in venture capital.
    0:13:56 That’s great, but it didn’t feel relatable to most people, including me.
    0:14:01 What I wanted to create was a space for everyday entrepreneurs, people who are building something
    0:14:04 on the side, starting small and figuring things out as they go.
    0:14:08 I saw an opportunity to showcase stories that were actionable and accessible where listeners
    0:14:10 could say, “I could do that too.
    0:14:15 What inspired me most were the stories of scrappy problem-solving and creative thinking.
    0:14:20 I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of earning your own income outside of a traditional
    0:14:21 nine to five.”
    0:14:26 My own journey started with little experiments like selling paint jobs or flipping products
    0:14:27 online.
    0:14:30 I wanted to share those kinds of stories to inspire others.
    0:14:33 Did the world really need another entrepreneur interview podcast?
    0:14:39 Maybe not, but I believed it needed a show that focused on real, relatable examples of
    0:14:42 people taking control of their financial futures.
    0:14:45 I think that niche has resonated with listeners over the years.
    0:14:46 Love it.
    0:14:47 So true.
    0:14:53 But we both know it took a while for the show to turn into a viable income.
    0:14:56 Not that many shows that started in 2013 are still going.
    0:14:57 What made you stick with it?
    0:15:00 First, I genuinely love the work.
    0:15:04 Getting to talk to creative, inspiring people every week and hearing their stories of innovation
    0:15:06 and grit never gets old.
    0:15:11 It’s energizing to connect with entrepreneurs who are solving real problems and building
    0:15:12 something meaningful.
    0:15:16 That enthusiasm keeps me excited to hit record week after week.
    0:15:20 Second, I approached the podcast with a long-term mindset from the start.
    0:15:25 I knew growth wouldn’t be overnight, so I set realistic expectations and committed to
    0:15:27 showing up consistently.
    0:15:32 Over time, that consistency has built trust with the audience and momentum for the show.
    0:15:36 Finally, what really keeps me going is the impact it’s had on listeners.
    0:15:40 When I get an email or a message from someone who says they started their side hustle because
    0:15:46 of the show or even quit their job to go full-time with their business, that’s incredibly rewarding.
    0:15:50 Knowing the content is making a difference in people’s lives is the ultimate motivator.
    0:15:54 So while podcasting can be a grind at times, the combination of passion, persistence, and
    0:15:57 purpose has made it well worth the journey.
    0:16:00 Do you have another 650+ episodes in you?
    0:16:03 That’s a big number to think about, 650 more episodes.
    0:16:08 Honestly, I can’t say for sure, but I’ll tell you this, as long as there are creative
    0:16:13 people finding innovative ways to earn money on their own terms, I’ll have more than enough
    0:16:15 material to keep going.
    0:16:18 The beauty of side hustling is that it’s always evolving.
    0:16:22 New trends, tools, and opportunities emerge all the time.
    0:16:27 When I started the podcast in 2013, platforms like TikTok didn’t even exist, and now they’re
    0:16:29 a game changer for creators and entrepreneurs.
    0:16:34 The landscape changes so fast, and that keeps things fresh and exciting, plus I still feel
    0:16:37 like I’m learning alongside the audience.
    0:16:41 Each guest brings a unique perspective, and their stories often spark new ideas for me
    0:16:42 personally.
    0:16:46 So as long as there’s that curiosity and a desire to help people take action, I think
    0:16:48 I’ve got a lot of gas left in the tank.
    0:16:50 Will I hit 650 more?
    0:16:51 I guess we’ll find out together.
    0:16:52 I guess we’ll find out together.
    0:16:53 Attached to the hit, buddy.
    0:16:57 Now, I said it before, it’s like the best job in the world, getting paid to share these
    0:17:02 stories, and I’m constantly inspired by the amazing guests that find their way across
    0:17:03 my desk.
    0:17:07 Now, RoboNik, obviously you’ve done a great job growing the podcast and staying consistent
    0:17:12 with it, largely without the support of a big social media following.
    0:17:16 And I don’t mean any offense by this, but why is your social media game so weak?
    0:17:17 Fair question.
    0:17:20 I’ll be the first to admit that my social media presence isn’t as strong as it could
    0:17:21 be.
    0:17:22 But here’s why.
    0:17:27 So, I’ve prioritized building long-term, searchable content over chasing the next viral post.
    0:17:32 For me, the podcast, the blog, and the email list have been the core focus because they
    0:17:34 create evergreen value.
    0:17:38 Social media can be a great tool for engagement and visibility, but it’s fleeting.
    0:17:42 A tweet or a TikTok video might have a 24-hour shelf life, while a well-crafted blog post
    0:17:46 or podcast episode can bring in traffic and listeners for years.
    0:17:50 That said, I do recognize the opportunity to meet people where they are, and social media
    0:17:52 is definitely part of that.
    0:17:56 So it’s an area I’m working on improving, finding the balance between delivering value
    0:17:59 on the platforms and not getting sucked into the never-ending content churn.
    0:18:03 If you’ve got any tips for leveling up my social media game, I’m all ears while you’re
    0:18:04 asking the wrong guy for that.
    0:18:11 But valid reasoning on the focus on long-term, evergreen content, it’s a content as digital
    0:18:16 property strategy, collecting cash flow, hopefully for years, as opposed to content as a marketing
    0:18:20 strategy, but there’s certainly room for both types in the tool belt.
    0:18:24 Now, aside from social media, what do you see as your biggest weaknesses?
    0:18:29 That’s a great question, and I think self-awareness is key in any entrepreneurial journey.
    0:18:33 Aside from my less-than-stellar social media game, one of my biggest weaknesses is probably
    0:18:35 trying to do too much myself.
    0:18:39 I’ve always been a bit of a DIY guy, which is great in the beginning when you’re bootstrapping.
    0:18:43 But as things grow, it can become a bottleneck.
    0:18:47 Delegation is something I’ve gotten better at over time, but it doesn’t come naturally.
    0:18:51 I have to consciously remind myself to trust others and let go of tasks that don’t require
    0:18:53 my direct input.
    0:18:58 Another area I’m constantly working on is focusing on long-term strategy versus day-to-day
    0:19:00 execution.
    0:19:04 When you’re running a business, especially one like Side Hustle Nation that has a lot
    0:19:08 of moving parts, it’s easy to get caught up in the immediate tasks, publishing the next
    0:19:12 podcast, writing the next email, creating the next piece of content.
    0:19:16 But stepping back to focus on the big picture and think strategically about where the brand
    0:19:18 is going is something I’m always trying to prioritize more.
    0:19:21 Honestly, sometimes I struggle with celebrating the wins.
    0:19:26 I’m a bit of a “what’s next” kind of person, which means I don’t always take the time
    0:19:31 to reflect on what’s been accomplished before moving on to the next project or goal.
    0:19:37 That’s something I’m trying to be more intentional about, both for myself and for the team.
    0:19:42 Taking time to celebrate the wins, big or small, helps keep the momentum going and reminds
    0:19:45 me why I started all this in the first place.
    0:19:47 Alright, this is getting a little weird.
    0:19:51 These are all really accurate, but RoboNec, you’re doing good so far.
    0:19:56 Let’s talk AI and specifically what people can do to AI-proof their income this year.
    0:19:58 There’s a lot of fear around the robot takeover.
    0:20:03 I mean, here I am talking to the robot version of myself, but curious to get your take on
    0:20:04 this.
    0:20:08 To AI-proof your income this year, it’s all about focusing on skills and roles that AI
    0:20:10 can’t easily replicate.
    0:20:14 First, I’d recommend building “adaptable skills,” the kind of skills that require
    0:20:18 critical thinking, creativity, and emotional intelligence.
    0:20:23 Think about areas like design, content creation, and strategy development, things that AI can
    0:20:25 assist with but can’t replace.
    0:20:29 AI might be able to write an article or generate a design, but it won’t be able to offer the
    0:20:33 same level of human intuition or creativity that makes your work stand out.
    0:20:36 Another key strategy is to leverage AI to your advantage.
    0:20:40 Rather than seeing AI as a threat, see it as a tool.
    0:20:44 There are plenty of ways to enhance your productivity with AI, whether it’s using automation for
    0:20:49 repetitive tasks, analyzing data more efficiently, or streamlining your workflow.
    0:20:53 By integrating AI into your processes, you can free up time to focus on the things that
    0:20:55 require your unique human touch.
    0:21:00 Speaking of human touch, personalization is another area where AI struggles.
    0:21:05 It might be able to analyze patterns, but it can’t build deep, authentic relationships
    0:21:07 with customers the way humans can.
    0:21:12 If you focus on building strong personal connections, whether that’s through coaching, consulting,
    0:21:16 or a highly tailored service, you can create a business or side hustle that AI just can’t
    0:21:17 replicate.
    0:21:20 Also, consider entrepreneurial ventures.
    0:21:23 There’s something about building a business or side hustle that requires constant innovation
    0:21:25 and hands-on decision making.
    0:21:31 Things AI isn’t quite ready to handle, whether it’s creating niche products, curating content,
    0:21:36 or offering unique services, the entrepreneurial space offers a lot of room for creativity
    0:21:37 and personal touch.
    0:21:40 Finally, it’s crucial to embrace lifelong learning.
    0:21:44 AI is changing fast, so you’ve got to stay on top of new tools, trends, and technologies.
    0:21:48 By continuously upgrading your skills, you’ll be in a better position to pivot and stay
    0:21:51 relevant as the world of work continues to evolve.
    0:21:56 So AI-proofing your income is about staying human in a tech-driven world, focusing on
    0:22:01 creativity, relationships, and the kind of innovation that can’t be replaced by a machine.
    0:22:04 I really thought you were going to start a plumbing business or something a little more
    0:22:05 hands-on.
    0:22:09 These kind of sound like generic platitudes to anyone concerned about the future.
    0:22:12 I mean, content creation, that’s what we’re doing right here, right?
    0:22:13 You’re right.
    0:22:17 Content creation can feel like one of the areas most impacted by AI, especially when
    0:22:22 platforms like ChatGPT or video editing tools can churn out material so efficiently.
    0:22:27 But the key to AI-proofing content creation isn’t necessarily about avoiding it altogether.
    0:22:32 It’s about finding your niche and infusing it with authenticity, unique perspectives,
    0:22:34 and specialized knowledge.
    0:22:38 Future tools like ChatGPT are great for brainstorming or helping with first drafts, but it’s the
    0:22:42 human element that makes content truly resonate.
    0:22:46 It’s the personal storytelling, the insight that comes from lived experience, and the
    0:22:50 emotional connection with the audience that makes content sticky.
    0:22:55 For example, while AI might help generate a script or suggest content ideas, it can’t
    0:22:59 replicate your unique voice or the way you engage with your community.
    0:23:04 One area where humans can really differentiate themselves is by creating content that engages
    0:23:05 niche audiences.
    0:23:10 With AI becoming more common, it’s important to tap into hyper-specific topics that AI
    0:23:15 might overlook, people are drawn to content that speaks to their exact needs, challenges,
    0:23:20 or desires, and that level of personalization and deep understanding is something that AI
    0:23:21 can’t quite match.
    0:23:26 Another way to AI-proof your content creation is by embracing multi-platform strategies.
    0:23:32 AI might be able to churn out content, but it can’t optimize it across various platforms,
    0:23:37 make community engagement, or tailor a message specifically to the audience on Twitter, Instagram,
    0:23:38 or YouTube.
    0:23:42 Those subtleties where AI might miss the mark are opportunities for you to stand out.
    0:23:47 Finally, content that involves human interaction will always have a place.
    0:23:52 Interactive webinars, live streams, and Q&A sessions allow creators to connect with their
    0:23:54 audiences in real time.
    0:23:58 These moments of genuine human interaction, where you’re answering questions, offering
    0:24:02 feedback and discussing topics cannot be easily replaced by AI.
    0:24:08 So while AI can assist in content creation, it still can’t replace the authenticity, personal
    0:24:12 connection, and deep niche expertise that people can bring to the table.
    0:24:16 If you’re looking to stay ahead in content creation, the strategy is to combine AI tools
    0:24:21 with your own unique strengths and create experiences that AI simply can’t replicate.
    0:24:25 Well now come to think of it, a content curation AI would be pretty helpful.
    0:24:29 I mean we’re always looking for unique stories for the newsletter or for potential podcast
    0:24:30 guests.
    0:24:34 Now looking at new tech as a tool instead of a threat sounds kind of like something a
    0:24:40 threat would say, but trying to embrace that AI as a tool mentality, what are some new or
    0:24:44 innovative ways that listeners can use AI tools to build their side hustle?
    0:24:49 AI tools are definitely making waves in the world of side hustles, and there are a lot
    0:24:53 of innovative ways you can use them to streamline and grow your business.
    0:24:57 One of the first things I’d recommend is using AI powered customer service tools.
    0:25:01 There are chatbots now that can handle customer inquiries around the clock, giving you a lot
    0:25:04 more freedom while still offering top notch service.
    0:25:08 For example, setting up something like chat GPT or many chat can allow you to automate
    0:25:13 responses, collect feedback, and even make product recommendations based on customer
    0:25:14 interactions.
    0:25:17 It’s an amazing way to scale without needing to be available 24/7.
    0:25:21 Another big area where AI can make a huge impact is content creation.
    0:25:26 If you’re running a blog, YouTube channel, or even social media accounts, AI tools like
    0:25:30 Jasper or copy.ai can help you produce content quickly and efficiently.
    0:25:34 These tools can help you write blog posts, craft email newsletters, or even generate
    0:25:35 video scripts.
    0:25:40 And beyond creation, AI is great for SEO optimization, making sure your content gets seen by the
    0:25:41 right people.
    0:25:45 For those of you who are running an e-commerce store or creating visual content, AI powered
    0:25:49 design tools like Canva or Adobe Express are real game changers.
    0:25:55 These platforms allow you to create professional, quality, graphics, ads, and product listings
    0:25:57 in a fraction of the time it would take a designer.
    0:25:59 No design background necessary.
    0:26:04 Then when it comes to marketing, AI can be a huge help in personalizing your outreach.
    0:26:08 Tools like MailChimp or HubSpot can segment your audience based on behavior, allowing
    0:26:12 you to send targeted campaigns that resonate with specific groups.
    0:26:16 AI is also really useful in predicting trends, which is a powerful tool if you’re trying
    0:26:22 to stay ahead of the competition or identify the next big thing for your product or service.
    0:26:27 If you’re considering creating an online course, AI tools can even help you with that.
    0:26:32 Platforms like Teachable are using AI to simplify the process, whether that’s helping you organize
    0:26:35 course content, structure lessons, or generate quizzes.
    0:26:40 It’s a great way to get a course up and running quickly without having to spend hours on logistics.
    0:26:44 Finally, Data Analysis is another area where AI really shines.
    0:26:48 Tools like Google Analytics can help you track customer behavior, understand what’s working
    0:26:51 in your marketing, and where to adjust.
    0:26:56 The insights you can gather from AI-driven tools will allow you to make data-backed decisions,
    0:26:59 optimizing everything from your products to your marketing campaigns.
    0:27:03 The beauty of AI is that it can handle a lot of the heavy lifting, leaving you with more
    0:27:07 time to focus on creativity, strategy, and personal connections.
    0:27:12 As a side hustler, this can give you the freedom to scale without sacrificing quality or service.
    0:27:17 Okay, I’m with you on the customer support piece, but I do know plenty of website owners
    0:27:20 and designers who might disagree with you on those other options.
    0:27:25 RoboNix dropped a bunch of tools and ideas on us, and we dive deeper into his specific
    0:27:31 suggestions on using AI to generate extra income right after this.
    0:27:36 Creating really great retail experiences is tough, especially if you’ve got multiple
    0:27:39 stores, teams of staff, fulfillment centers, separate workflows.
    0:27:41 It’s a lot to deal with.
    0:27:45 But with Shopify Point of Sale, you can do it all without complexity.
    0:27:49 Shopify’s Point of Sale system is a unified command center for your retail business, both
    0:27:52 online and in-store.
    0:27:56 One thing that’s really cool about Shopify POS is you can keep customers coming back
    0:28:01 with personalized experiences and collect that all-important first-party data to give
    0:28:05 your marketing teams a competitive edge, even if that marketing team is just you.
    0:28:08 Now, how about some data to back that up?
    0:28:13 Customers on Shopify POS see real results, including a 22 percent better total cost of
    0:28:18 ownership and benefits equivalent to an 8.9 percent uplift in sales.
    0:28:19 Want more?
    0:28:22 Check out Shopify.com/SideHussell.
    0:28:27 That’s all lowercase, and learn how to create the best retail experiences without complexity.
    0:28:34 Again, that’s at Shopify.com/SideHussell.
    0:28:35 You hear that?
    0:28:39 The sound of your marketing working, and as an entrepreneur, you know that every call
    0:28:41 is an opportunity.
    0:28:43 But if you miss it, potential customers don’t wait.
    0:28:45 They just call the next business on their list.
    0:28:50 With our sponsor, Open Phone, you’ll never let another customer’s call go unanswered.
    0:28:54 Open Phone is the number one modern business phone system that helps you separate your
    0:28:56 personal life from your growing business.
    0:29:00 For just 15 bucks a month, you get complete transparency and visibility into everything
    0:29:03 happening with your business phone number.
    0:29:07 Open Phone works through an app on your phone or computer and integrates with HubSpot and
    0:29:09 hundreds of other systems.
    0:29:13 One of my favorite features is their AI-powered call transcripts and summaries so you can
    0:29:18 streamline client communication and get a summary of every phone call with action items
    0:29:19 right when you hang up.
    0:29:24 That means no more note-taking, no more forgotten to-dos, and right now, Open Phone is offering
    0:29:31 SideHussell Show listeners 20 percent off your first six months when you go to OpenPhone.com/SideHussell.
    0:29:39 That’s O-P-E-N-P-H-O-N-E.com/SideHussell for 20 percent off six months.
    0:29:45 Open Phone.com/SideHussell and if you have existing numbers with another service, Open
    0:29:47 Phone will port them over at no extra charge.
    0:29:51 Now, before the break, RoboNic, you were making the point that SideHussellers and business
    0:29:56 owners can integrate AI tools with the different functional areas of their business.
    0:30:00 I think that makes sense, but do you have any examples of how we might use AI to generate
    0:30:01 extra income?
    0:30:06 You’re totally right to point out that some website owners and designers may not be fully
    0:30:08 on board with AI tools, and I get it.
    0:30:13 There’s definitely a craft to design that AI can’t replace in terms of creativity and
    0:30:14 aesthetics.
    0:30:20 However, where AI really shines is in supporting those processes, making repetitive tasks more
    0:30:23 efficient and offering new revenue streams.
    0:30:27 One example that comes to mind is using AI for generating passive income by creating
    0:30:29 and selling digital products.
    0:30:33 Let’s say you’re into creating stock photos, templates, or design assets.
    0:30:39 AI tools like Dahle or Mid Journey can help you quickly create unique, high-quality images,
    0:30:44 patterns, or graphics that you can sell on platforms like Etsy, Creative Market, or even
    0:30:45 your own website.
    0:30:49 While it won’t replace the creative thought behind designing for a client, it can certainly
    0:30:54 help you produce products that can be sold passively over and over again.
    0:30:59 Another way to generate extra income with AI is by creating an automated content business
    0:31:04 for example, AI tools like Jasper can help you generate blog posts or articles at a much
    0:31:09 faster rate, allowing you to scale a blog or website that monetizes through ads or affiliate
    0:31:10 marketing.
    0:31:14 You can also automate the creation of newsletters, eBooks, and other downloadable content that
    0:31:16 can be sold to your audience.
    0:31:21 The key is using AI to produce volume without sacrificing the quality or relevance of the
    0:31:22 content.
    0:31:26 Plus, AI tools can help with keyword research and SEO, making it easier to drive traffic
    0:31:28 to your site and increase revenue.
    0:31:31 Let’s not forget about AI-powered video creation.
    0:31:35 For people who have a side hustle around education, entertainment, or even product marketing,
    0:31:40 AI tools like Synthesia or Pictory can help you produce professional-looking videos with
    0:31:41 minimal effort.
    0:31:45 You can create explainer videos, tutorials, or promotional content at scale, adding extra
    0:31:49 value to your offerings, or even creating a YouTube channel that generates income through
    0:31:51 ads or sponsorships.
    0:31:55 In terms of more direct income, I’ve seen AI tools in the freelance space be used by
    0:32:00 people to build a business around writing, editing, or proofreading.
    0:32:05 Tools like Grammarly or ProWritingAid can act as a first line of defense, helping to
    0:32:08 speed up the writing process or polish a piece of content.
    0:32:12 That way, the freelancer can take on more clients or projects, increasing their earnings
    0:32:13 without burning out.
    0:32:18 Lastly, AI is helping people leverage their expertise in ways they hadn’t thought of
    0:32:19 before.
    0:32:22 For example, if you’re an expert in a niche field, you could use AI to generate automated
    0:32:25 webinars or training courses that you can sell.
    0:32:29 AI can even help with creating quizzes or certification programs to further enhance
    0:32:31 the value you’re offering.
    0:32:35 The bottom line is that AI might not replace the need for skilled designers or creators,
    0:32:40 but it can certainly open doors to new opportunities for passive income, efficiency, and scaling
    0:32:41 your side hustle.
    0:32:42 I don’t know.
    0:32:48 I’m a little skeptical on most of those truly being a value ad versus just adding more digital
    0:32:49 clutter to the world.
    0:32:53 And I do need to clarify that cranking out a bunch of AI articles with Jasper is a quick
    0:32:55 road to nowhere fast.
    0:32:58 I am using Pictory to help with video creation, though.
    0:33:02 It’s a pretty cool tool, which does lead me to my next question.
    0:33:07 When everyone has access to the same tools, the same information, how do you stand out
    0:33:08 and differentiate?
    0:33:11 I hear you, and I totally get the skepticism.
    0:33:15 When everyone’s using the same tools, it can feel like there’s not much room to stand
    0:33:18 out, but that’s where the real opportunity lies.
    0:33:24 Not in the tools themselves, but in how you use them and the unique touch you bring to
    0:33:25 the table.
    0:33:26 For one, it’s all about authenticity.
    0:33:31 Sure, you can use Pictory or any other AI tool to churn out content, but what really
    0:33:34 keeps people coming back is you.
    0:33:37 People connect with individuals, not machines.
    0:33:41 So if you focus on weaving your own personal story, your perspective, and your voice into
    0:33:45 everything you produce, you’ll naturally differentiate yourself.
    0:33:48 You have something to offer that’s inherently yours.
    0:33:52 Your journey, your thoughts, your values, and AI can’t replicate that.
    0:33:55 Another thing I’d say is to lean into niche markets.
    0:34:00 Even with AI and the abundance of content out there, there’s still huge potential in
    0:34:04 catering to specific audiences with specific problems.
    0:34:10 By narrowing your focus, you can develop deep expertise in a niche that others may overlook.
    0:34:13 It’s not about trying to appeal to the masses anymore.
    0:34:17 It’s about connecting with the people who really resonate with your message, your tone,
    0:34:22 and your approach, and the more specific your niche, the harder it is for others to replicate
    0:34:23 what you’re doing.
    0:34:24 Consistency is also key.
    0:34:28 It’s easy to get lost in a sea of content, but the people who make it are the ones who
    0:34:30 show up regularly.
    0:34:35 I’m not just talking about posting content, but also how you share your story over time,
    0:34:40 whether it’s through your YouTube channel, social media, or even in your email newsletters.
    0:34:44 Every piece of content you put out is part of a larger narrative that people can follow
    0:34:45 and engage with.
    0:34:50 And that kind of connection, storytelling in a way, goes beyond what any AI can produce
    0:34:51 on its own.
    0:34:56 Now, as for standing out with tools like Pictory, the trick is to be creative in how you use
    0:34:57 them.
    0:35:01 Everyone might be using these platforms for video creation, but it’s what you do with
    0:35:03 those videos that will set you apart.
    0:35:08 Maybe you host live Q&As alongside your pre-recorded content or integrate community-driven feedback
    0:35:10 into your videos.
    0:35:14 It’s about bringing a human element to whatever you’re creating that AI alone can’t replicate.
    0:35:19 At the end of the day, I think what differentiates you is your human touch, your ability to create
    0:35:22 genuine relationships with your audience.
    0:35:26 AI can help you automate, it can help you scale, and it can help you create, but it
    0:35:29 can’t replace that core connection between you and your community.
    0:35:32 That’s what’s going to make you stand out in the sea of digital noise.
    0:35:34 All right, that makes sense.
    0:35:35 Don’t be honest.
    0:35:36 Are you going to take my job?
    0:35:40 I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it from your perspective.
    0:35:41 Here’s the truth.
    0:35:44 AI, like me, isn’t here to take anyone’s job.
    0:35:49 It’s here to enhance what you do and make your work more efficient and creative.
    0:35:54 What I can do is help you brainstorm ideas, speed up repetitive tasks, or even provide
    0:35:59 insights or resources, but at the end of the day, I can’t replace the human connection
    0:36:01 that makes you, well, you.
    0:36:06 When it comes to something like hosting a podcast, your unique voice, your perspective, and your
    0:36:13 ability to connect with an audience on a personal level are things no AI can truly replicate.
    0:36:17 People tune in to hear your story, your tone, and the way you engage with your guests.
    0:36:22 Sure, I can help with prep, provide suggestions, or even transcribe and summarize, but the
    0:36:26 heart and soul of the show, that’s all you.
    0:36:31 If anything, I’d say use me as a tool to help you do more of what you’re great at.
    0:36:36 Building relationships, asking insightful questions, and creating an authentic experience
    0:36:37 for your audience.
    0:36:41 AI might change the way some things are done, but it’s not a replacement for creativity,
    0:36:43 empathy, or human ingenuity.
    0:36:45 It’s a partner to help amplify those qualities.
    0:36:48 All right, you flatter me, RoboNik, so thank you for that, but I still might have to ask
    0:36:49 you again in a year.
    0:36:54 Now, speaking of content creation and writing, though, what’s your next book about?
    0:36:57 I’m glad you asked, but to clarify, I don’t have a new book in the works yet.
    0:37:02 However, if I were to write one, it’d likely be focused on scaling side hustles and leveraging
    0:37:05 new trends like AI and automation.
    0:37:10 I dive deep into actionable strategies for anyone looking to create more time, build
    0:37:13 passive income, and turn a passion into profit.
    0:37:17 It would pull a lot from the interviews on the side hustle show and share stories from
    0:37:22 people who’ve successfully transitioned from side hustles to full-time entrepreneurs.
    0:37:27 A central theme would be how people can optimize their efforts both through practical tools
    0:37:31 and mindset shifts without feeling overwhelmed by the digital noise.
    0:37:36 The book would definitely highlight how AI, automation, and outsourcing can help streamline
    0:37:40 operations, improve productivity, and ultimately AI-proof income.
    0:37:44 There are also a lot of lessons I’ve picked up over the years about pivoting and finding
    0:37:49 niche markets, and I’d probably include some of the practical tactics I’ve used for growing
    0:37:54 the podcast and website, like how to get the first few listeners or how to build an audience
    0:37:56 around a product or service you believe in.
    0:38:01 If I did put pen to paper, I’d want to make sure it felt like a conversation, just like
    0:38:05 the ones I have with guests on the show, something that readers could take action on right away,
    0:38:09 and not just another theoretical guide to entrepreneurship.
    0:38:10 Those are actually pretty good ideas.
    0:38:13 I’ve written a lot about how to start your side hustle, but you’re right.
    0:38:16 Maybe the next title is how to take it into a full-time income.
    0:38:19 We’ve got lots of stories from the show on how to do that.
    0:38:22 While I’ve got you, RoboNic, can I ask your advice?
    0:38:25 What else might you do to grow side hustle nation as a business?
    0:38:30 As the side hustle show continues to grow, there are a few ways I’d look to scale side
    0:38:32 hustle nation into a bigger business.
    0:38:37 First, I’d focus on creating exclusive content for our most loyal listeners, whether it’s
    0:38:43 offering members access to bonus interviews, deeper dive workshops, or even live Q&A sessions.
    0:38:47 There’s a lot of potential for creating a premium community where listeners can get
    0:38:48 more out of the show.
    0:38:53 Platforms like Patreon or even a custom membership area on the site could help build a sustainable
    0:38:54 model around that.
    0:38:57 I’d also be looking to expand the product offerings.
    0:39:01 Beyond podcast episodes, I think there’s an opportunity to build out digital products
    0:39:06 like eBooks, guides, or even online courses that help people take action on what they’re
    0:39:07 learning.
    0:39:11 By packaging some of the insights from the show into structured resources, it’s an easy
    0:39:16 way to bring in revenue while providing tangible, actionable value for the audience.
    0:39:20 On top of that, there’s also a big opportunity in affiliate marketing and sponsorships.
    0:39:24 Over the years, I’ve built trust with the audience, and there’s a lot of great tools
    0:39:27 and services that can help people grow their side hustles.
    0:39:31 By partnering with brands that align with the mission of side hustle nation, we can
    0:39:36 help listeners discover valuable resources while monetizing the show at the same time.
    0:39:41 Of course, the key here is making sure the partnerships feel natural and genuinely helpful
    0:39:42 to the audience.
    0:39:45 Another direction I’d consider is growing the community.
    0:39:49 A private space for listeners to share ideas, network, and collaborate could be a great
    0:39:51 way to increase engagement.
    0:39:55 Think Facebook groups or Slack channels where people can ask questions, share wins, and
    0:39:56 get feedback.
    0:40:01 This helps turn listeners into a real community, and it’s a great place to introduce new products,
    0:40:02 services, or events.
    0:40:07 Speaking of events, I’d definitely be interested in hosting live webinars, virtual summits,
    0:40:09 or even in-person meetups.
    0:40:12 These types of events give people the chance to dive deeper into the topics covered on
    0:40:17 the show, learn directly from experts, and network with others who are on a similar path.
    0:40:22 They also provide great opportunities for sponsorships or upsells to products and services that
    0:40:24 could help the attendees.
    0:40:29 Lastly, I think there’s a huge opportunity in speaking and consulting with the experience
    0:40:33 gained from podcasting and working with so many incredible entrepreneurs.
    0:40:38 Being able to offer consulting services or paid speaking gigs could be a way to further
    0:40:41 establish the brand and bring in additional revenue.
    0:40:45 Ultimately, it’s about diversifying income streams, staying engaged with the audience,
    0:40:47 and continuing to provide value.
    0:40:51 The goal is to build a business that not only grows the brand, but also deeply connects with
    0:40:56 people, helping them build side hustles that can eventually become their full-time businesses.
    0:41:01 Okay, that’s solid advice, particularly around the membership community idea, something I’ve
    0:41:02 kicked around for years.
    0:41:07 Not sure how much interest I have in doing more paid speaking gigs, but I think we got
    0:41:12 off to a bit of a poor start here with some of your answers, but RoboNik, you’re getting
    0:41:13 into the swing of it.
    0:41:17 From your Robo perspective, what’s been the most surprising thing at the helm of side
    0:41:21 hustle nation over these last almost 12 years?
    0:41:22 What surprised me the most?
    0:41:27 Honestly, it’s the sheer variety and creativity of side hustles people come up with.
    0:41:32 When I started the side hustle show, I thought there might be a handful of common side hustles
    0:41:36 people gravitated toward, freelancing, flipping, maybe starting a blog.
    0:41:42 But the last 11+ years have shown me that there are so many ways to earn money outside
    0:41:44 of a traditional 9-5.
    0:41:50 I’ve been amazed at some of the unconventional ideas people have turned into thriving businesses.
    0:41:54 Things like selling unique digital products on Etsy, designing and renting out bounce
    0:41:59 houses, or even building businesses entirely around each YouTube channel.
    0:42:04 It’s a constant reminder that there’s no one-size-fits-all path to entrepreneurship,
    0:42:06 and that’s what keeps it so exciting.
    0:42:08 Another big surprise has been the community itself.
    0:42:13 The way listeners have rallied around the podcast, shared their own journeys, and supported
    0:42:16 one another has been incredible.
    0:42:20 When I started, I wasn’t sure if the show would resonate, but the response has been
    0:42:22 beyond anything I could have imagined.
    0:42:27 That sense of connection and shared purpose, that’s been the most rewarding part by far.
    0:42:29 Yeah, I agree with that.
    0:42:33 I was a bit worried what I was committing myself to at the start, like trying to do a weekly
    0:42:34 show of outside hustles.
    0:42:39 I was afraid I’d run out of people to talk to, but these days, the number of guest applications
    0:42:44 I get far outnumber the volume of available episodes, statistically speaking, it’s easier
    0:42:49 to get into Harvard than to get on the side hustle show, a little point of pride there.
    0:42:51 I’ve also learned this about podcasting.
    0:42:55 Yes, it’s about what you say and how you say it, but it’s at least equally about what
    0:42:56 you don’t say.
    0:43:01 The episodes you never record, the guest pitches that you have to say no to, the respect you
    0:43:04 have to have for the audience in their time, but absolutely right.
    0:43:07 The life-changing feedback from listeners always makes my day.
    0:43:11 Well, RoboNic, I know we’ll be spending a lot of time together this year, but our time
    0:43:14 together for this recording is almost over.
    0:43:19 Before we wrap, I wanted to ask about your biggest business mistake or failure.
    0:43:23 My biggest business mistake, oh, I’ve got a list, but one that stands out is waiting
    0:43:26 too long to ask for help and build a team.
    0:43:31 Early on, when I was growing Side Hustle Nation, I was wearing all the hats, writer, editor,
    0:43:35 marketer, designer, customer service, you name it.
    0:43:38 At first, it felt empowering, like, “Hey, I can do this all myself.”
    0:43:43 But as the workload grew, I realized I was spending way too much time on things that
    0:43:46 weren’t moving the needle and not enough on the stuff that actually mattered.
    0:43:50 I remember specifically trying to DIY a website redesign.
    0:43:55 I spent weeks, maybe even months, fumbling around with code and templates, and in the
    0:43:57 end, it wasn’t even that great.
    0:44:01 I could have outsourced it for a few hundred bucks and spent that time focusing on creating
    0:44:05 content, building relationships, or finding ways to monetize the brand.
    0:44:09 The big takeaway for me was learning to delegate and invest in expertise.
    0:44:13 It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you’re saving money by doing everything yourself,
    0:44:17 but often, you’re just costing yourself time and limiting your growth.
    0:44:22 Now, I’m much quicker to outsource things that aren’t in my zone of genius so I can
    0:44:27 focus on what I do best, connecting with the audience and delivering value.
    0:44:28 Well said.
    0:44:33 I like this call to play in your zone of genius, invest in expertise either as hired help or
    0:44:36 in the form of education, coaching, mentorship.
    0:44:41 It’s not a throw your hands up and absolve yourself from all responsibility, but it’s
    0:44:46 a way to intentionally shortcut the learning curve and better direct your limited hours
    0:44:47 and do more of what works.
    0:44:49 RoboNic, what’s next for you?
    0:44:50 What are you excited about this year?
    0:44:51 Well, first off, thank you.
    0:44:53 This has been a blast.
    0:44:54 What’s next for me?
    0:44:58 A lot of it is doubling down on what’s working and continuing to evolve side hustle nation.
    0:45:03 I’m always looking for new ways to provide value to the community, whether that’s through
    0:45:09 more actionable podcast episodes, deeper resources on the website, or even exploring
    0:45:12 new formats like video or live events.
    0:45:17 Beyond that, I’m really interested in how tools like AI and automation are shaping the
    0:45:19 entrepreneurial landscape.
    0:45:24 I think we’re at this fascinating moment where technology is leveling the playing field for
    0:45:26 creators and business owners.
    0:45:30 There’s so much potential for experimentation and I want to stay ahead of that curve, not
    0:45:33 just to talk about it, but to integrate it into what I’m doing.
    0:45:39 On a personal level, I’m focused on keeping the balance between work and family life.
    0:45:43 It’s easy to get caught up in the grind, but spending time with my family and making memories
    0:45:45 with them is a huge priority.
    0:45:49 At the end of the day, the side hustles, the podcast, the business, all of it is about
    0:45:52 creating the freedom to live life on your own terms.
    0:45:56 That’s what I’m chasing and it’s what I hope to help others achieve too.
    0:46:00 It’s a little weird to hear a robot talk about work-life balance, but you’re right.
    0:46:04 I definitely find myself kind of straddling this line of trying to grow the business and
    0:46:07 also if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
    0:46:12 I remember a line from Paul Jarvis on the show years ago as it related to business growth.
    0:46:17 He said most goals are fake and the context was him setting the goal to grow a million
    0:46:22 dollar business only to make himself miserable along the way a few months in.
    0:46:25 You realize pretty quickly, “I don’t need a million dollar business.”
    0:46:30 That was a fake goal, but if a goal is important to you, you find a way to make it real.
    0:46:35 One thing that we’ve talked about is you don’t always have control over the outcome goals,
    0:46:40 so it might make more sense to set input goals or process goals, like committing to certain
    0:46:45 daily or weekly habits that you think are likely to lead to the outcome that you want
    0:46:49 and even if they don’t, they still have this positive compounding effect on your life.
    0:46:52 I am trying to get 1% better every day.
    0:46:57 RoboNic, this has been an eye-opening chat, a fascinating chat, one-part therapy session,
    0:46:59 one-part business strategy session.
    0:47:00 Thank you so much for joining me.
    0:47:03 Let’s wrap this thing up with your number one tip for side hustle nation.
    0:47:06 If I had to boil it all down to one tip, it’s this.
    0:47:08 Take action.
    0:47:09 Ideas are great.
    0:47:12 Ideas are wonderful, but none of it matters if you don’t take that first step.
    0:47:16 Whether it’s launching a simple website, making your first sale, or even just sending
    0:47:20 an email to a potential collaborator, progress starts with action.
    0:47:24 Don’t get bogged down trying to create the perfect plan or waiting for the stars to align.
    0:47:26 Done is better than perfect.
    0:47:30 You’ll learn so much more from doing than from endless research or waiting for the right
    0:47:31 time.
    0:47:34 Start small, start messy, but just start.
    0:47:36 The magic happens when you’re in motion.
    0:47:40 Because you didn’t even know existed will start popping up and you’ll be better prepared
    0:47:41 to seize them.
    0:47:45 My advice to side hustle nation is, get started today.
    0:47:48 Even if it’s a tiny step, it’s a step closer to where you want to be.
    0:47:49 Take action.
    0:47:50 You heard it here.
    0:47:52 A solid number one tip for O’Nick, though.
    0:47:53 Not exactly original.
    0:47:56 It’s probably the most common advice from 600+ episodes.
    0:48:00 If there’s one thing that I might add, it’s that before taking any action, figure out your
    0:48:01 driving.
    0:48:02 Why?
    0:48:03 Why do you want a side hustle?
    0:48:07 Sure, you want the extra income, but what does that income really buy you?
    0:48:11 There’s a saying that given a strong enough why, you’ll figure out the how.
    0:48:14 That definitely rings true for me at the start of this new year.
    0:48:19 I don’t know if I feel any better or worse about the state of AI in the future because,
    0:48:24 while some of RoboNick’s responses felt a little canned or maybe a little forced, a lot
    0:48:29 of them were actually pretty good and phrased in a way that they genuinely could have been
    0:48:36 my words aside from the very proper way of speaking in first, second, finally, and speaking
    0:48:38 in complete sentences.
    0:48:41 Definitely a little bit of a weird experience, but super curious to hear what you think of
    0:48:42 this episode.
    0:48:46 I had a lot of fun putting it together, but not sure what it’s going to be like to listen
    0:48:49 to a robot for 45 minutes.
    0:48:50 Let me know.
    0:48:52 Hit reply to the email or O’Nick@SideHustleNation.
    0:48:54 You can let me know what you think of this one.
    0:48:57 A little bit behind the scenes, the making of.
    0:49:02 This episode relied heavily on 11 labs to generate the voice for RoboNick.
    0:49:05 I do have a direct referral link if you want to test that out for yourself.
    0:49:13 I don’t have the video version at the moment, but I could probably make my AI avatar look
    0:49:17 alike with HeyGen or another one of these tools, and maybe that’s a project for another
    0:49:18 time.
    0:49:23 RoboNick’s answers were generated by ChatGPT after just a few simple prompts.
    0:49:27 I said, “Hey, you act like you’re Nick from the SideHustle Show, and we’re doing this
    0:49:28 podcast interview.”
    0:49:34 In fact, you could probably use that same idea with ChatGPT to get advice from Einstein
    0:49:38 or Aristotle or Warren Buffett for your specific situation.
    0:49:40 In any case, big thanks to RoboNick for sharing his insight.
    0:49:43 Big thanks to our sponsors for helping make this content free for everyone.
    0:49:48 You can hit up SideHustleNation.com/deals for all the latest offers from our sponsors
    0:49:49 in one place.
    0:49:52 Thank you for supporting the advertisers that support the show.
    0:49:53 That is it for me.
    0:49:54 Thank you so much for tuning in.
    0:49:58 If you find a value in the show, the greatest compliment is to share it with a friend.
    0:50:00 Fire off that text message.
    0:50:01 Help spread the word.
    0:50:04 Until next time, let’s go out there and make something happen, and I’ll catch you in the
    0:50:06 next edition of the SideHustle Show.
    0:50:07 Hustle on.

    It’s 2025, and the line between reality and science fiction is getting more and more blurry every day.

    In this episode, I sit down with someone I’ve never met, but they know me pretty well. He even kind of sounds like me in an eerie sort of way.

    I was curious how well today’s AI models could pretend to be someone else, given a few simple prompts. The result is this chat with Robo-Nick, my AI alter ego.

    Let’s see how well Robo-Nick answers these questions, plus my real thoughts about them.

    (This episode relied heavily on ElevenLabs to generate the voice for Robo-Nick.)

    Tune in to episode 654 of The Side Hustle Show to learn:

    • The biggest opportunities (and pitfalls) for side hustlers in the AI era.
    • Actionable tips to future-proof your income and leverage new trends effectively.

    Full Show Notes: I Interviewed My AI Self … What it Got Right, Wrong, and a Little Weird

    New to the Show? Get your personalized money-making playlist here!

    Sponsors:

    Airbnb — Discover how much your home could be worth and find a professional co-host today!

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  • Essentials: How to Increase Motivation & Drive

    中文
    Tiếng Việt
    AI transcript
    0:00:05 Welcome to Huberman Lab Essentials, where we revisit past episodes for the most potent
    0:00:11 and actionable science-based tools for mental health, physical health, and performance.
    0:00:16 I’m Andrew Huberman, and I’m a professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford
    0:00:17 School of Medicine.
    0:00:22 Today, we’re going to talk about an extremely important topic that’s central to our daily
    0:00:24 life, and that’s motivation.
    0:00:27 We’re going to talk about pleasure and reward.
    0:00:30 What underlies our sense of pleasure or reward?
    0:00:31 We’re going to talk about addictions.
    0:00:37 As well, we’re going to talk about the neurochemistry of drive and mindset.
    0:00:43 But for now, let’s just talk about the neuroscience of motivation and reward of pleasure and pain,
    0:00:47 because those are central to what we think of as emotions, whether or not we feel good,
    0:00:52 whether or not we feel we’re on track in life, whether or not we feel we’re falling behind.
    0:00:56 So motivation is fundamental to our daily life.
    0:00:58 It’s what allows us to get out of bed in the morning.
    0:01:02 It’s what allows us to pursue long-term goals or short-term goals.
    0:01:09 Motivation and the chemistry of motivation is tightly wound in with the neurochemistry
    0:01:10 of movement.
    0:01:17 In fact, the same single molecule, dopamine, is responsible for our sense of motivation
    0:01:19 and for movement.
    0:01:26 It’s a fascinating molecule, and it lies at the center of so many great things in life,
    0:01:30 and it lies at the center of so many terrible aspects of life, namely addiction and certain
    0:01:32 forms of mental disease.
    0:01:38 So if ever there was a double-edged blade in the world of neuroscience, it’s dopamine.
    0:01:43 There’s a fundamental relationship between dopamine released in your brain and your desire
    0:01:44 to exert effort.
    0:01:50 And you can actually control the schedule of dopamine release, but it requires the appropriate
    0:01:51 knowledge.
    0:01:54 This is one of those cases where understanding the way the dopamine system works will allow
    0:01:56 you to leverage it to your benefit.
    0:02:00 Let’s get a few basic facts on the table.
    0:02:06 Dopamine was discovered in the late 1950s, and it was discovered as the precursor, meaning
    0:02:11 the thing from which epinephrine or adrenaline is made.
    0:02:15 Epinephrine is the same thing as adrenaline, except in the brain we call epinephrine.
    0:02:19 Epinephrine allows us to get into action.
    0:02:23 It stimulates changes in the blood vessels, in the heart, in the organs and tissues of
    0:02:26 the body that bias us for movement.
    0:02:30 Dopamine was initially thought to be just the building block for epinephrine.
    0:02:32 However, dopamine does a lot of things on its own.
    0:02:36 It’s not always converted to epinephrine.
    0:02:40 Dopamine is released from several sites in the brain and body, but perhaps the most important
    0:02:44 one for today’s discussion about motivation and reward is something that sometimes just
    0:02:47 called the reward pathway.
    0:02:52 For the aficionados, it’s sometimes called the mesolimbic reward pathway, but it’s fundamentally
    0:02:59 important to your desire to engage in action, and it’s fundamentally important for people
    0:03:03 getting addicted to substances or behaviors.
    0:03:04 So how does this work?
    0:03:08 Well, you’ve got a structure in the deep part of your brain called the VTA.
    0:03:14 The VTA or ventral tegmental area contains neurons that send what we call axons, little
    0:03:20 wires, that spit out dopamine at a different structure called the nucleus accumbens.
    0:03:26 And those two structures, VTA and nucleus accumbens form really the core machinery of
    0:03:30 the reward pathway and the pathway that controls your motivation for anything.
    0:03:33 You can think of them like an accelerator.
    0:03:35 They bias you for action.
    0:03:39 However, within the reward pathway, there’s also a break.
    0:03:43 The break or restriction on that dopamine, which controls when it’s released and how
    0:03:46 much it’s released is the prefrontal cortex.
    0:03:50 The prefrontal cortex is the neural real estate right behind your forehead.
    0:03:55 You hear about it for decision making, executive function, for planning, et cetera.
    0:03:56 And indeed, it’s responsible for a lot of those.
    0:04:01 It’s this really unique real estate that we were all endowed with as humans.
    0:04:02 Other animals don’t have much of it.
    0:04:07 We have a lot of it and that prefrontal cortex acts as a break on the dopamine system.
    0:04:13 And that brings us to the important feature of motivation, which is that motivation is
    0:04:18 a two-part process, which is about balancing pleasure and pain.
    0:04:23 So when you’re just sitting around, not doing much of anything, this reward pathway is releasing
    0:04:27 dopamine at a rate of about three or four times per second.
    0:04:29 It’s kind of firing at a low level.
    0:04:34 If suddenly you get excited about something, you anticipate something, not receive an award,
    0:04:39 but you get excited in an anticipatory way.
    0:04:44 Then the rate of firing, the rate of activity in this reward pathway suddenly increases to
    0:04:47 like 30 or 40 times.
    0:04:52 And it has the effect of creating a sense of action or desire to move in the direction
    0:04:53 of the thing that you’re craving.
    0:04:59 In fact, it’s fair to say that dopamine is responsible for wanting and for craving.
    0:05:03 And that’s distinctly different from the way that you hear it talked about normally, which
    0:05:05 is that it’s involved in pleasure.
    0:05:08 So yes, dopamine is released in response to sex.
    0:05:10 It’s released in response to food.
    0:05:15 It’s released in response to a lot of things, but it’s mostly released in anticipation and
    0:05:17 craving for a particular thing.
    0:05:22 It has the effect of narrowing our focus for the thing that we crave.
    0:05:24 And that thing could be as simple as a cup of coffee.
    0:05:27 It could be as important as a big board meeting.
    0:05:28 It could be a big final exam.
    0:05:32 It could be the person that we’re excited to meet or see.
    0:05:34 Dopamine doesn’t care about what you’re craving.
    0:05:37 It just releases at a particular rate.
    0:05:41 I’d like to take a quick break and acknowledge our sponsor, AG1.
    0:05:47 AG1 is a vitamin, mineral, probiotic drink that also includes prebiotics and adaptogens.
    0:05:50 As somebody who’s been involved in research science for almost three decades and in health
    0:05:55 and fitness for equally as long, I’m constantly looking for the best tools to improve my mental
    0:05:57 health, physical health, and performance.
    0:06:02 I discovered AG1 way back in 2012, long before I ever had a podcast or even knew what a podcast
    0:06:05 was, and I’ve been taking it every day since.
    0:06:09 I find that AG1 greatly improves all aspects of my health.
    0:06:11 I simply feel much better when I take it.
    0:06:15 AG1 uses the highest quality ingredients in the right combinations, and they’re constantly
    0:06:18 improving their formulas without increasing the cost.
    0:06:22 Whenever I’m asked if I could take just one supplement, what would that supplement be?
    0:06:24 I always say AG1.
    0:06:30 If you’d like to try AG1, you can go to drinkag1.com/huberman to claim a special offer.
    0:06:36 For this month only, January 2025, AG1 is giving away 10 free travel packs and a year’s
    0:06:38 supply of vitamin D3K2.
    0:06:44 Again, go to drinkag1.com/huberman to claim the 10 free travel packs and a year’s supply
    0:06:46 of vitamin D3K2.
    0:06:51 If we just take a step back and we look at the scientific data on how much the dopamine
    0:06:56 firing increases in response to different things, you get a pretty interesting window
    0:07:01 into how your brain works and why you might be motivated or not motivated.
    0:07:06 Let’s say you’re hungry, or you’re looking forward to a cup of coffee, or you’re going
    0:07:08 to see your partner.
    0:07:13 Well, your dopamine neurons are firing at a low rate until you start thinking about
    0:07:16 the thing that you want or the thing that you’re looking forward to.
    0:07:21 When you eat that food, the amount of dopamine that’s released in this reward pathway goes
    0:07:25 up about 50% above baseline.
    0:07:31 Sex, which is fundamental to our species’ continuation and reproduction, sex does release
    0:07:38 dopamine and increases dopamine levels about 100%, so basically doubles them.
    0:07:44 Nicotine increases the amount of dopamine about 150% above baseline.
    0:07:49 Cocaine and amphetamine increase the amount of dopamine that’s released 1,000-fold within
    0:07:52 about 10 seconds of consuming the drug.
    0:07:59 However, just thinking about food, about sex, about nicotine if you like nicotine, or cocaine
    0:08:04 or amphetamine can increase the amount of dopamine that’s released to the same degree
    0:08:07 as actually consuming the drug.
    0:08:08 Now it depends.
    0:08:13 In some cases, for instance, the cocaine user, the addict that wants cocaine can’t
    0:08:17 just think about cocaine and increase the amount of that’s released about 1,000-fold.
    0:08:19 It’s actually much lower.
    0:08:24 But it’s just enough to put them on the motivation track to crave that particular thing.
    0:08:26 Now there are reasons why you would have brain circuitry like this.
    0:08:30 I mean, brain circuitry like this didn’t evolve to get you addicted.
    0:08:36 Brain circuitry like this evolved in order to motivate behaviors toward particular goals.
    0:08:40 Better when you’re thirsty, sex in order to reproduce.
    0:08:45 These things and these brain areas and neurons were part of the evolutionary history that
    0:08:48 led to the continuation of our species.
    0:08:53 Things like cocaine and amphetamine are disastrous for most people because they release so much
    0:08:59 dopamine and they create these closed loops where people then only crave the particular
    0:09:03 thing, cocaine and amphetamine, that leads to those massive amounts of dopamine release.
    0:09:07 Those things don’t release that level of dopamine.
    0:09:12 Now nowadays, there’s a ton of interest in social media and in video games.
    0:09:16 There have been some measurements of the amount of dopamine released.
    0:09:20 Video games, especially video games that have a very high update speed where there’s novel
    0:09:22 territory all the time.
    0:09:25 Novelty is a big stimulus of dopamine.
    0:09:29 Those can release dopamine somewhere between nicotine and cocaine, so very high levels
    0:09:32 of dopamine release.
    0:09:35 Social media is an interesting one because the amount of dopamine that’s released in
    0:09:41 response to logging on to social media initially could be quite high, but it seems like likely
    0:09:45 that there’s a taper in the amount of dopamine and yet people still get addicted.
    0:09:46 So why?
    0:09:52 Why is it that we can get addicted to things that fail to elicit the same massive amount
    0:09:54 of pleasure that they initially did?
    0:09:59 Being addicted to something isn’t just about the fact that it feels so good that you want
    0:10:04 to do it over and over again, and that’s because of this pleasure-pain balance that
    0:10:05 underlies motivation.
    0:10:10 So let’s look a little bit closer at the pleasure-pain balance because therein lies the tools for
    0:10:15 you to be able to control motivation toward healthy things and avoid motivated behaviors
    0:10:17 towards things that are destructive for you.
    0:10:21 There are a lot of reasons why people try novel behaviors, whether or not those are drugs
    0:10:26 or whether or not those are adventure thrill-seeking things or they take a new class.
    0:10:30 Because you’ll notice I’m not placing any judgment or value on these different behaviors,
    0:10:36 although I think it’s fair to point out that for most people, addictive drugs like cocaine
    0:10:39 and amphetamine are very destructive.
    0:10:47 Actually, we know that about 15 to 20% of people have a genetic bias towards addiction
    0:10:52 that you sometimes hear that the first time that you use a drug, you can become addicted
    0:10:53 to it.
    0:10:57 It’s actually not been shown to be true for most things and most people, but for some
    0:10:58 people that actually is true.
    0:11:03 But in any case, the way that addiction works and the way that motivation works generally
    0:11:08 in the non-addictive setting is that when you anticipate something, a little bit of dopamine
    0:11:13 is released, and then when you reach that thing, you engage in that thing, the amount
    0:11:15 of dopamine goes up even further.
    0:11:20 But as you repeatedly pursue a behavior and you repeatedly engage with a particular thing,
    0:11:23 let’s say you love running or you love chocolate.
    0:11:28 As you eat a piece of chocolate, believe it or not, it tastes good.
    0:11:32 And then there’s a shift away from activation of dopamine.
    0:11:38 And there are other chemicals that are released that trigger a low level sense of pain.
    0:11:43 Now you might not feel it as physical pain, but the craving that you feel is both one
    0:11:49 part dopamine and one part the mirror image of dopamine, which is the pain or the craving
    0:11:51 for yet another piece of chocolate.
    0:11:56 And this is a very important and subtle feature of the dopamine system that’s not often discussed.
    0:12:01 People always talk about just as pleasure, you love social media, so it gives you dopamine
    0:12:02 and so you engage in that.
    0:12:04 You like chocolate, it releases dopamine, so you do that.
    0:12:09 But for every bit of dopamine that’s released, there’s another circuit in the brain that
    0:12:12 creates, you can think of it as kind of like a downward deflection in pleasure.
    0:12:16 So you engage in something you really want and there’s an increase in pleasure.
    0:12:22 And then there’s a, without you doing anything, there’s a mirror image of that, which is a
    0:12:24 downward deflection in pleasure, which we’re calling pain.
    0:12:30 So for every bit of pleasure, there is a mirror image experience of pain and they overlap
    0:12:31 in time very closely.
    0:12:33 So it’s sometimes hard to sense this, but try it.
    0:12:37 The next time you eat something really delicious, you’ll take a bite, it tastes delicious.
    0:12:41 And part of the experience is to want more of that thing.
    0:12:44 This is true for any pleasurable experience.
    0:12:49 Now the diabolical part about dopamine is that because it didn’t evolve in order to
    0:12:56 get you to indulge in more and more and more of something, what happens is that initially
    0:13:02 you experience an increase in pleasure and you also experience this increase in pain
    0:13:07 shortly after or woven in with the pleasure that makes you want more of that thing.
    0:13:14 But with each subsequent time that you encounter that thing, the experience of dopamine release
    0:13:18 and pleasure is diminished a little bit.
    0:13:23 And the diabolical thing is that the pain response is increased a little bit.
    0:13:27 And this is best observed in the context of drug seeking behavior.
    0:13:31 The first time someone decides to take cocaine or amphetamine, they will experience a huge
    0:13:35 dopamine release and they will feel likely very good.
    0:13:38 However, the next time they take it, it won’t feel quite as good.
    0:13:42 And it won’t feel even as good the third time or the next time.
    0:13:48 But the amount of pain, the amount of craving that they experience for the drug will increase
    0:13:49 over time.
    0:13:54 So much of our pursuit of pleasure is simply to reduce the pain of craving.
    0:13:57 So the next time you experience something you really like, I don’t want to take you
    0:14:02 out of that experience, but it’s really important that you notice this, that if there’s something
    0:14:08 you really enjoy, part of that enjoyment is about the anticipation and wanting of more
    0:14:09 of that thing.
    0:14:12 And that’s the pain system in action.
    0:14:15 I’d like to take a quick break and thank our sponsor, 8Sleep.
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    0:17:17 We can distinguish between dopamine, which is really about pleasure, and dopamine, which
    0:17:24 is really about motivation to pursue more in order to relieve or exclude future pain.
    0:17:29 Let me repeat that, dopamine isn’t as much about pleasure as much as it is about motivation
    0:17:35 and desire to pursue more in order to reduce the amount of pain.
    0:17:41 And we are now talking about pain as a psychological pain and a craving, although people that miss
    0:17:49 a lover very badly, or that really crave a food very badly, or that are addicted to a
    0:17:54 drug and can’t access it, will experience that as a physical craving and a mental craving.
    0:17:57 The body and brain are linked in this way.
    0:18:00 It’s almost, they’ll describe it as painful, they yearn for it.
    0:18:04 And I think the word yearning is one that’s very valuable in this context, because yearning
    0:18:09 seems to include a whole body experience, more than just wanting, which could just be
    0:18:11 up in the mind.
    0:18:18 So your desire for something is proportional to how pleasurable it is to indulge in that
    0:18:22 thing, but also how much pain you experience when you don’t have it.
    0:18:26 And you can now start to let your mind wander into all sorts of examples of addictions or
    0:18:28 things that you happen to like.
    0:18:32 I’ll use the example that I sometimes use on here, which is my love of croissants.
    0:18:35 The taste of that croissant makes me want to eat more croissants.
    0:18:38 Now eventually blood sugar goes up, satiety is reached, et cetera.
    0:18:39 What happens then?
    0:18:41 What is satisfaction and satiety about?
    0:18:43 Well, that’s a separate neuromodulator.
    0:18:46 That’s about the neuromodulator serotonin.
    0:18:48 It’s about oxytocin.
    0:18:51 It’s about a hormone system that involves something called prolactin.
    0:18:56 So we’re going to talk about all of those in the book, The Molecule of More, wonderful
    0:18:57 book.
    0:19:02 Those were described as the here and now molecules, the ones that allow you to experience your
    0:19:06 sensations and pleasure in the present and for which the brain stops projecting into
    0:19:07 the future.
    0:19:11 So now let’s talk about craving and these so-called here and now molecules and how
    0:19:17 those engage in a kind of push-pull balance that will allow you to not just feel more
    0:19:22 motivated but also to enjoy the things in life that you are pursuing to a much greater
    0:19:23 degree.
    0:19:27 We have neurons in an area of our brain called the RAFE, R-A-P-H-E.
    0:19:32 The RAFE releases serotonin at different places in the brain.
    0:19:38 Serotonin is the molecule of bliss and contentment for what you already have.
    0:19:41 I’ve talked before about exteroception.
    0:19:46 Exteroception is a focus on the outside world, everything beyond the confines of your skin.
    0:19:50 I’ve also talked about interoception, a focus on things that are happening internally within
    0:19:54 the confines of your skin.
    0:20:01 Dopamine and serotonin can be thought of as related to exteroception.
    0:20:05 Dopamine makes us focused on things outside us that are beyond what we call our personal
    0:20:10 space where we actually have to move and take action in order to achieve things.
    0:20:14 And serotonin in general has to do with the things that are in our immediate here and
    0:20:18 now, hence the description of these as the here and now molecules.
    0:20:24 So it’s interesting to point out that the body and the brain can direct its attention
    0:20:28 towards things outside us or inside us or split our attention between those.
    0:20:32 Just understand that dopamine biases us toward thinking about what we don’t have, whereas
    0:20:37 serotonin and some of the related molecules like the endocannabinoids, if you picked up
    0:20:42 on the word cannabinoid, yes, it’s like cannabis because cannabis attaches to endocannabinoid
    0:20:44 receptors.
    0:20:48 And the endocannabinoids are receptors and chemicals that the cannabinoids that you naturally
    0:20:51 make that are involved in things like forgetting.
    0:20:55 But you make these molecules that bind to these receptors that make you feel kind of
    0:20:58 blissed out and content in the present.
    0:21:01 So you got these two systems, they’re kind of like a push-pull.
    0:21:05 And if you were to say, do the, you know, in the book, wherever you go, there you are.
    0:21:09 John Cobbets in talks about this meditation practice that’s different than most meditation
    0:21:14 practices where you eat one almond and you focus all of your attention on the almond,
    0:21:17 the taste of the almond, the texture of the almond.
    0:21:22 That’s really a mindfulness practice that’s geared towards trying to take a behavior which
    0:21:27 is normally about pursuit, normally feeding is we’re going, we engage in feeding because
    0:21:28 of dopamine.
    0:21:32 We pursue more of a food because of that pleasure pain relationship I talked about before.
    0:21:38 The focus on the one almond or the, or becoming very present in any behavior that normally
    0:21:44 would be a kind of extroceptive pursuit behavior and bring it into the here and now.
    0:21:51 That’s a mental trick or a mental task that the mindfulness community has really embraced
    0:21:55 in order to try and create increased pleasure for what you already have.
    0:22:00 It’s really trying to accomplish a shift from dopamine being released to serotonin in the
    0:22:04 cannabinoid system being involved in that behavior.
    0:22:08 Dopamine has the quality of making people kind of rabidly in pursuit of things, drugs
    0:22:17 like marijuana, the opioids, anything that really hits the serotonin system hard tend
    0:22:21 to make people rather lethargic and content to stay exactly where they are.
    0:22:23 They don’t want to pursue much at all.
    0:22:27 So you’ve got these molecules like dopamine that make you focused on the things you want
    0:22:28 and the things you crave.
    0:22:32 And then you’ve got the molecules that make you content with what you have.
    0:22:38 So the most important thing perhaps in creating a healthy emotional landscape is to have a
    0:22:41 balance between these two neuromodulator systems.
    0:22:45 So at about this point in the podcast, I’m guessing that some of you are thinking, okay,
    0:22:47 great, I want more dopamine.
    0:22:48 I want to be more motivated.
    0:22:52 I don’t want to procrastinate as much and I want to be able to experience life.
    0:22:55 I want these here and now molecules to be released as well.
    0:23:00 Well, there is a way to do that, but you have to understand the source of procrastination
    0:23:02 is not one thing.
    0:23:06 There are basically two kinds of procrastinators or so says the research.
    0:23:13 The first kind are people that actually really enjoy the stress of the impending deadline.
    0:23:14 It’s the only way they can get into action.
    0:23:19 There are other procrastinators for which they simply are not releasing enough dopamine.
    0:23:22 For those people, there are a variety of things that can increase dopamine.
    0:23:24 I do suggest you talk to a psychiatrist or doctor.
    0:23:32 I’ve talked about mucuna purines, which is 99.9% L-dopa, the precursor to dopamine.
    0:23:37 There are antidepressants like wellbutrin, brupriarone is the other name for it, which
    0:23:39 increased dopamine and epinephrine.
    0:23:46 However, if you think back to our earlier discussion about dopamine, dopamine, if it’s
    0:23:51 very high creates a sense of pleasure and the desire for more.
    0:23:56 So you can also become a person for which enough is never enough.
    0:24:01 The only thing that dopamine really wants is more of the thing that releases dopamine.
    0:24:05 And so one of the things that you can do in order to generally just be a happier person,
    0:24:09 especially if you’re a person in pursuit of long-term goals of any kind, is the longer
    0:24:15 that you can extend that positive phase of the dopamine release.
    0:24:19 And the more that you can blunt the pain response to that, the better.
    0:24:20 And you can actually do this cognitively.
    0:24:25 I used to joke with my lab that when we’d publish a paper, I would get really excited,
    0:24:28 but I wouldn’t allow myself to get too excited.
    0:24:32 What I wanted to do instead, and what I’ve still tried to do is try and extend the arc
    0:24:35 of that positive experience as long as I possibly can.
    0:24:37 Simply by thinking back, like, oh, that was really cool.
    0:24:38 I really enjoyed doing that work.
    0:24:40 I really enjoyed the discovery.
    0:24:45 I really enjoyed doing that with the people that I was working with at the time.
    0:24:46 What a pleasure that was.
    0:24:51 So you can extend pleasure without having to engage in the behavior over and over.
    0:24:54 That’s extending the arc of that dopamine release.
    0:25:00 As well, it offset some of the pain of not having that experience occur over and over
    0:25:01 and over again.
    0:25:04 Now, for the high performers out there, you’re probably familiar with this.
    0:25:07 Many people who have a big achievement, their first thoughts are, well, now what?
    0:25:08 What am I going to do next?
    0:25:10 How am I ever going to exceed that?
    0:25:15 And indeed, many people who are very high on this kind of dopamine sensation and novelty-seeking
    0:25:17 scale are prone to addiction.
    0:25:22 They’re prone to the rabid pursuit of external goals, of exteroception, to the neglect of
    0:25:25 these internal mechanisms that allow them to feel calm and happy.
    0:25:31 So for people that are very driven, very motivated, adopting a practice of being able to engage
    0:25:37 in the here and now, the sort of almond type practices we talked about earlier, of learning
    0:25:42 how to achieve a really good night’s sleep on a regular basis through tools and mechanisms
    0:25:47 I talked about in previous podcasts, gives us sort of balance to the pleasure-seeking
    0:25:51 and offsetting of pain and the pleasure in the here and now.
    0:25:53 So pleasure is really two things.
    0:25:59 It’s a joy in pursuit, but it’s also the joy in what you have.
    0:26:05 The cool thing is you can actually regulate this whole system in a way that will steer
    0:26:10 you or lean you towards more positive anticipation of things in life and less disappointment.
    0:26:14 It’s simply a matter of adjusting what we call the dopamine schedule.
    0:26:19 I’d like to take a quick break and thank one of our sponsors, Element.
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    0:27:37 In order to understand how to control the dopamine system, how to leverage it for a better life,
    0:27:42 you need to understand the results of a very important experiment.
    0:27:47 This experiment was able to separate pleasure from motivation.
    0:27:53 It’s a very simple, but like many simple experiments, a very elegant experiment.
    0:27:58 What they did, and this has now been done in animals and in humans, they offered rats
    0:27:59 food.
    0:28:04 It was a food that they particularly liked, and the animals would lever press for a pellet
    0:28:08 of food, kind of classic experiment, they’d eat the food, and they presumably liked the
    0:28:13 food because they were motivated to press the lever and eat it, great.
    0:28:18 They took other rats, they eliminated the dopamine neurons.
    0:28:22 You can do this by injection of a neurotoxin that destroys these neurons, so they actually
    0:28:27 had no dopamine in their brain, they have no ability to release dopamine, and they gave
    0:28:31 them a lever, the rats would sit there and they’d hit the lever and they’d eat the food.
    0:28:35 They still enjoyed the food.
    0:28:39 You say, well, okay, so dopamine isn’t involved in motivation, it isn’t involved in pleasure.
    0:28:41 No, it absolutely is.
    0:28:47 They could still enjoy the food, but if they moved the rat literally one body length away
    0:28:52 from the lever, what they found was the animals that had dopamine would move over to the lever,
    0:28:58 press it and eat, and the ones, the rats that did not have dopamine available to them wouldn’t
    0:29:03 even move one body length, one rat length to the lever in order to press it and get the
    0:29:05 food.
    0:29:10 Dopamine, therefore, is not about the ability to experience pleasure, it is about motivation
    0:29:12 for pleasure.
    0:29:16 Many of you are probably thinking, wow, I’m not a very motivated person, like you talked
    0:29:20 about the one kind of procrastination earlier, what about when I just feel kind of meh about
    0:29:21 life?
    0:29:25 Now, for some of you, there may be a real clinical depression and you should talk to a professional.
    0:29:29 There are very good prescription drugs that can really help people.
    0:29:34 There’s also great non-drug treatments of psychotherapy and other treatments that are
    0:29:36 being developed.
    0:29:40 In addition to psychotherapy and the various kinds of psychoanalysis, et cetera, that one
    0:29:41 can use.
    0:29:46 I think the data really point to the fact that a combination of pharmacology and talk therapies
    0:29:48 are generally best.
    0:29:49 And there are a huge range of these things.
    0:29:52 I know many of you are in these professions, so we’re not going to talk about that right
    0:29:53 now.
    0:29:57 There is a compound that’s kind of interesting in the supplement space that isn’t Macuna
    0:30:04 Purine’s al-dopa, it’s not Altyrosine, that isn’t promoting massive releases of dopamine
    0:30:10 or even dopamine alone, but a combination of dopamine and serotonin and it’s an intriguing
    0:30:11 molecule.
    0:30:12 It’s sold over the counter.
    0:30:17 Again, you have to check with your healthcare provider before you would take anything or
    0:30:18 remove anything.
    0:30:19 That’s very important.
    0:30:31 But it’s phenol ethyl amine or PEA, PEA or beta phenol ethyl amine releases dopamine
    0:30:34 at low levels, but also serotonin at low levels.
    0:30:39 So it’s kind of a cocktail of the motivation molecules as well as the quote unquote here
    0:30:41 and now molecules.
    0:30:48 And people’s response to this varies widely, but many people report feeling heightened
    0:30:50 sense of mental acuity, well-being, et cetera.
    0:30:54 It is a bit of a stimulant, like anything that triggers activation, the dopamine and
    0:30:57 norepinephrine pathway, but it is an interesting supplement.
    0:31:02 So now let’s talk about what is a dopamine schedule and how you can leverage this in
    0:31:07 order to have heightened levels of motivation, but not get so much dopamine that you’re experiencing
    0:31:11 a crash afterwards and also so that you can experience heightened pleasure from the various
    0:31:14 pursuits that you are engaged in in life.
    0:31:18 And here’s the key principle.
    0:31:23 Dopamine is very subjective, meaning you can either allow yourself to experience the pleasure
    0:31:29 of reaching a milestone of achieving or some craving or not.
    0:31:31 It’s actually pretty powerful.
    0:31:36 What one can do with the subjective system, in fact, I’m going to describe you an experiment
    0:31:41 that highlights just how powerful the subjective readout or the subjective interpretation of
    0:31:45 a given experience really can be even at the level of pharmacology.
    0:31:51 And the title of the experiment is Expectation for Stimulant Type, Modifies Caffeine’s
    0:31:53 Effects on Mood and Cognition.
    0:31:55 This was done in college students.
    0:31:57 It’s a fascinating study.
    0:32:06 What they did is they gave college students either placebo, essentially nothing, or 200
    0:32:07 milligrams of caffeine.
    0:32:11 100 milligrams of caffeine is about what’s in a typical coffee, like a medium coffee
    0:32:13 that you buy a drip coffee.
    0:32:18 So they took 65 undergraduate students in college.
    0:32:23 They randomized them to either placebo or caffeine, and they told them that they were
    0:32:26 either getting caffeine or Adderall.
    0:32:33 Now Adderall cognitively carries a very different expectation.
    0:32:36 These students know Adderall to be a much stronger stimulant than caffeine.
    0:32:39 They know it to create a sort of high.
    0:32:42 This is the way the students described it, and they thought that it would increase their
    0:32:45 level of focus and their ability to perform work.
    0:32:51 So what’s really interesting is there was definitely an effect of placebo versus caffeine.
    0:32:52 That’s not surprising, however, right?
    0:32:57 You take a placebo, you may or may not feel more alert, but you take 200 milligrams of
    0:32:59 caffeine, very likely you’re going to feel very alert.
    0:33:04 But there was also an effect of whether or not the students thought they were getting
    0:33:06 caffeine or Adderall.
    0:33:11 The subjects receiving caffeine reported feeling more stimulated, anxious, and motivated than
    0:33:13 the subjects that received the placebo, okay.
    0:33:17 But the ones that expected Adderall reported stronger amphetamine effects.
    0:33:20 They performed better on a working memory test.
    0:33:26 And in general, they had all the increased cognitive effects that would have been seen
    0:33:30 with Adderall, but they were only ingesting caffeine.
    0:33:34 So it led to heightened performance simply because the students thought they were getting
    0:33:35 Adderall.
    0:33:40 And I think this is very important because I think that it points to the fact that the
    0:33:45 top down, the kind of higher level cognitive processes are impacting even the most basic
    0:33:51 fundamental aspects of say dopamine release or adrenaline release or epinephrine release
    0:33:54 in ways that can positively impact performance.
    0:33:58 In this case, it was a positive improvement in working memory and focus.
    0:34:03 So today we’ve talked a lot about the dopamine system and those kinds of schedules that will
    0:34:07 allow craving or addiction.
    0:34:11 What’s the schedule of dopamine that’s going to allow you to maximize on your pursuit of
    0:34:14 pleasure and your elimination of pain?
    0:34:20 And we get the answer to that from our good friend, gambling.
    0:34:24 The reason gambling works, the reason why people will throw their lives away.
    0:34:30 The reason why people go back again and again and again to places like Las Vegas and Atlantic
    0:34:34 City is because of the hope and anticipation.
    0:34:37 Those are cities and places built on dopamine.
    0:34:39 They are leveraging your dopamine system.
    0:34:43 And as a friend of mine, who’s a certified addiction treatment specialist tells me that
    0:34:49 gambling addiction is a particularly sinister because the next time really could be the
    0:34:51 thing that changes everything.
    0:34:54 Like other addictions, the next time really could change everything and that’s embedded
    0:34:59 in the mind of the gambling addict and rarely does it work out in favor of the well-being
    0:35:02 of the gambling addict and their family.
    0:35:09 However, the intermittent reinforcement schedule was discovered long ago by scientific researchers.
    0:35:13 So this is the slot machine that every once in a while gives you a win to keep you playing.
    0:35:18 This is the probability of winning on the craps table or the roulette table or at blackjack
    0:35:24 just often enough that you’re willing to buy tickets, head out there, play again, go downstairs
    0:35:27 again from your room, even though you swore you were done for the night.
    0:35:32 Intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful form of dopamine rewards scheduled to keep
    0:35:33 you doing something.
    0:35:36 So we can export that, we can use it for good.
    0:35:40 If there’s something that you’re pursuing in life, whether or not it’s an academic goal
    0:35:45 or a financial goal or relationship goal, one of the things that you can do to ensure
    0:35:50 that you will remain on the path to that goal for a very long time and that you will continue
    0:35:55 to exceed your previous performance as well as continue to enjoy the dopamine release
    0:36:03 that occurs when you hit the milestones that you want to achieve is to occasionally remove
    0:36:05 rewards subjectively.
    0:36:09 Let’s say you set out a goal of making, I’m going to make this quantitative with respect
    0:36:13 to finances because it just is an easy description, but this could also be in sport, this could
    0:36:17 be in school, this could be in music, could be in anything creative endeavors, but let’s
    0:36:20 say you set out a certain financial goal or let’s say you want to get a certain number
    0:36:23 of followers on whatever social media platform.
    0:36:28 As you reach each one of those goals, you should know now that the amount of dopamine
    0:36:32 is not going to peak, it’s actually going to diminish and make you crave more.
    0:36:36 The key to avoiding that crash, but to still keep it in healthy levels that will allow
    0:36:42 you to continue your pursuit, is as you are stair casing toward your goal, you actually
    0:36:46 want to blunt the reward response for some of those intermediate goals.
    0:36:50 Now I’m not telling you shouldn’t celebrate your wins, but I’m telling you not to celebrate
    0:36:52 all of them.
    0:36:57 Or as a good friend of mine who recently, fortunately for him, had a great financial
    0:37:02 success, he asked me and somebody else, a good friend of mine who’s very tuned into dopamine
    0:37:06 reward schedules, understands how they work at a really deep level and he said, “I don’t
    0:37:07 know what to do next.”
    0:37:11 And we said, “Oh well that’s simple, you should just give most of it away.”
    0:37:14 And this wasn’t a ploy to receive any of the money ourselves.
    0:37:18 This was really about reducing the impact of that reward.
    0:37:22 Now hopefully giving him money away, if you already have enough of it, would be something
    0:37:25 that was rewarding in and of itself.
    0:37:29 But if you’re a student who’s pursuing goals in university, or you’re an athlete who’s
    0:37:35 pursuing goals, it actually makes sense from a rational perspective, once you understand
    0:37:42 these mechanisms, to hit a new high point of performance or to get that A plus or for
    0:37:45 you if it’s an A minus, et cetera.
    0:37:47 And to tell yourself, “Okay, that was good.”
    0:37:54 But to actually actively blunt the reward, to not go and celebrate too intensely.
    0:37:58 Because in doing that, you keep your dopamine system in check and you ensure that you’re
    0:38:04 going to stay on the path of continued pursuit, not just for that thing, but for all things.
    0:38:09 Big increases in dopamine lead to big crashes in dopamine and big increases in dopamine
    0:38:10 up the ante.
    0:38:18 So you can lift what Las Vegas and Atlantic City and other gambling mechanisms in places
    0:38:19 have known for a long time.
    0:38:20 They lifted it from the scientists.
    0:38:25 You can now take it back and you can start to leverage that and you just make it intermittent.
    0:38:30 You reward yourself not on a predictable schedule, so not every other time or every third time
    0:38:34 or every 10th time, but sometimes it’s three in a row, then not at all for 10 days.
    0:38:40 So reward is important, self-reward is critically important, but make sure that you’re not doing
    0:38:46 it on such a predictable schedule that you burn out these dopamine circuits or that you
    0:38:51 undercut your own ability to strive and achieve.
    0:38:56 Hopefully you now know far more about the dopamine system, reward and motivation than
    0:38:59 you did at the beginning of this podcast.
    0:39:04 You also understand the other side of dopamine and reward, which is pain and the balance
    0:39:10 of this pleasure pain system, as well as the molecules that we call or that were described
    0:39:14 in the molecule of more book, I should say, as the here and now molecules, things like
    0:39:16 serotonin and the endocannabinoids.
    0:39:19 Finally, I want to thank you for your time and attention today.
    0:39:24 I hope you learned a lot and that you learned a lot of possible tools that you could incorporate
    0:39:28 into your life as it relates to motivation and emotions.
    0:39:30 Thank you for your interest in science.
    0:39:31 [Music]
    0:39:33 (upbeat music)
    0:39:35 you
    Chào mừng bạn đến với Huberman Lab Essentials, nơi chúng ta xem lại những tập trước để tìm ra những công cụ dựa trên khoa học mạnh mẽ và có thể áp dụng cho sức khỏe tâm thần, sức khỏe thể chất và hiệu suất. Tôi là Andrew Huberman, một giáo sư về thần kinh sinh học và nhãn khoa tại Trường Y Stanford. Hôm nay, chúng ta sẽ nói về một chủ đề cực kỳ quan trọng, điều rất trung tâm trong cuộc sống hàng ngày của chúng ta, đó là động lực. Chúng ta sẽ nói về niềm vui và phần thưởng. Điều gì nằm ở nền tảng của cảm giác niềm vui hoặc phần thưởng của chúng ta? Chúng ta sẽ nói về các nghiện. Ngoài ra, chúng ta cũng sẽ nói về hóa thần kinh của động lực và tư duy. Nhưng trước tiên, hãy cùng nói về thần kinh học của động lực và phần thưởng của niềm vui và nỗi đau, vì những điều đó rất quan trọng cho những gì chúng ta nghĩ về cảm xúc, liệu chúng ta có cảm thấy tốt hay không, liệu chúng ta có cảm thấy mình đang đi đúng hướng trong cuộc sống hay không, liệu chúng ta có cảm thấy mình đang tụt lại phía sau hay không. Vì vậy, động lực là điều cơ bản trong cuộc sống hàng ngày của chúng ta. Nó cho phép chúng ta ra khỏi giường vào buổi sáng. Nó cho phép chúng ta theo đuổi các mục tiêu dài hạn hoặc ngắn hạn. Động lực và hóa học của động lực liên kết chặt chẽ với hóa thần kinh của chuyển động. Thực tế, cùng một phân tử đơn lẻ, dopamine, chịu trách nhiệm cho cảm giác động lực của chúng ta và cho chuyển động. Đây là một phân tử thú vị, và nó nằm ở trung tâm của rất nhiều điều tuyệt vời trong cuộc sống, và cũng nằm ở trung tâm của rất nhiều khía cạnh tồi tệ trong cuộc sống, cụ thể là nghiện và một số dạng bệnh tâm thần. Vì vậy, nếu như có một lưỡi dao hai lưỡi trong thế giới thần kinh học, đó chính là dopamine. Có một mối quan hệ cơ bản giữa dopamine được phóng thích trong não của bạn và mong muốn nỗ lực của bạn. Và thực tế, bạn có thể kiểm soát lịch trình phóng thích dopamine, nhưng nó đòi hỏi kiến thức thích hợp. Đây là một trong những trường hợp mà hiểu cách hệ thống dopamine hoạt động sẽ cho phép bạn tận dụng nó có lợi cho bạn. Hãy để tôi đặt ra một vài sự thật cơ bản. Dopamine được phát hiện vào cuối những năm 1950, và nó được phát hiện như là một tiền chất, có nghĩa là thứ mà từ đó epinephrine hoặc adrenaline được tạo ra. Epinephrine là cùng một thứ với adrenaline, chỉ khác là trong não chúng ta gọi là epinephrine. Epinephrine cho phép chúng ta hành động. Nó kích thích sự thay đổi trong mạch máu, trong tim, trong các cơ quan và mô của cơ thể mà đặt chúng ta thiên về chuyển động. Ban đầu, dopamine được nghĩ là chỉ là viên gạch xây dựng cho epinephrine. Tuy nhiên, dopamine làm rất nhiều việc một mình. Nó không phải lúc nào cũng được chuyển đổi thành epinephrine. Dopamine được phóng thích từ nhiều vị trí trong não và cơ thể, nhưng có lẽ vị trí quan trọng nhất cho cuộc thảo luận ngày hôm nay về động lực và phần thưởng là thứ mà đôi khi chỉ đơn giản được gọi là con đường phần thưởng. Đối với những người yêu thích, nó đôi khi được gọi là con đường phần thưởng mesolimbic, nhưng điều đó rất quan trọng đối với mong muốn tham gia vào hành động, và nó cũng rất quan trọng đối với những người bị nghiện các chất hoặc hành vi. Vậy, điều này hoạt động như thế nào? Bạn có một cấu trúc ở phần sâu trong não gọi là VTA. VTA hoặc vùng gốc bụng chứa các tế bào thần kinh gửi ra cái mà chúng ta gọi là axon, những dây dẫn nhỏ, phóng thích dopamine tại một cấu trúc khác gọi là hạch accumbens. Và hai cấu trúc đó, VTA và hạch accumbens là cốt lõi của con đường phần thưởng và con đường kiểm soát động lực của bạn cho bất cứ điều gì. Bạn có thể nghĩ về chúng như một cái chân ga. Chúng thiên về hành động. Tuy nhiên, bên trong con đường phần thưởng, cũng có một cái phanh. Cái phanh hoặc sự hạn chế đó lên dopamine, điều khiển lúc nào nó được phóng thích và bao nhiêu là vỏ não trước trán. Vỏ não trước trán là cái bất động sản thần kinh ngay sau trán của bạn. Bạn thường nghe nói về nó trong việc ra quyết định, chức năng điều hành, lên kế hoạch, v.v. Và đúng là nó chịu trách nhiệm cho nhiều điều đó. Đây là một bất động sản rất đặc biệt mà tất cả chúng ta đều được trời phú cho như là con người. Các loài động vật khác không có nhiều điều đó. Chúng ta có rất nhiều và vỏ não trước trán đó hoạt động như một cái phanh cho hệ thống dopamine. Và điều đó dẫn chúng ta đến một đặc điểm quan trọng của động lực, đó là động lực là một quá trình hai phần, liên quan đến việc cân bằng niềm vui và nỗi đau. Vì vậy, khi bạn chỉ ngồi không, không làm gì cả, con đường phần thưởng này đang phóng thích dopamine với tốc độ khoảng ba hoặc bốn lần mỗi giây. Nó đang hoạt động ở một mức độ thấp. Nếu bất ngờ bạn hưng phấn về điều gì đó, bạn mong đợi một điều gì đó, không phải là nhận phần thưởng, nhưng bạn có cảm giác hưng phấn một cách chờ đợi. Lúc đó, tốc độ phóng thích, mức độ hoạt động trong con đường phần thưởng này bất ngờ tăng lên khoảng 30 hoặc 40 lần. Và nó có tác dụng tạo ra cảm giác hành động hoặc mong muốn di chuyển theo hướng của điều mà bạn đang khao khát. Thực tế, có thể nói rằng dopamine chịu trách nhiệm cho mong muốn và sự khao khát. Và điều đó hoàn toàn khác với cách mà bạn thường nghe nói về nó, đó là nó liên quan đến niềm vui. Vậy thì đúng, dopamine được phóng thích khi có quan hệ tình dục. Nó được phóng thích khi ăn uống. Nó được phóng thích khi rất nhiều thứ, nhưng chủ yếu nó được phóng thích khi mong đợi và khao khát một điều cụ thể. Nó làm cho chúng ta thu hẹp sự chú ý vào điều mà chúng ta khao khát. Và điều đó có thể đơn giản như một tách cà phê. Nó có thể quan trọng như một cuộc họp hội đồng lớn. Nó có thể là một bài kiểm tra cuối kỳ. Nó có thể là người mà chúng ta háo hức gặp hoặc nhìn thấy. Dopamine không quan tâm đến việc bạn đang khao khát điều gì. Nó chỉ phóng thích với một tốc độ cụ thể. Tôi muốn tạm dừng một chút và công nhận nhà tài trợ của chúng tôi, AG1. AG1 là một loại đồ uống vitamin, khoáng chất, probiotic, cũng bao gồm prebiotic và adaptogen.
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    Nếu chúng ta chỉ lùi lại và xem xét dữ liệu khoa học về cách mà sự phóng thích dopamine tăng lên khi phản ứng với những điều khác nhau, chúng ta có thể có một cái nhìn thú vị về cách mà bộ não của bạn hoạt động và lý do bạn có thể cảm thấy có động lực hay không.
    Giả sử bạn đang đói, hoặc bạn đang mong chờ một tách cà phê, hoặc bạn sắp gặp đối tác của mình. Vậy thì, các nơ-ron dopamine của bạn sẽ hoạt động với tần suất thấp cho đến khi bạn bắt đầu nghĩ về thứ mà bạn muốn hoặc điều mà bạn đang mong chờ.
    Khi bạn ăn món ăn đó, lượng dopamine được phóng thích trong con đường thưởng này sẽ tăng khoảng 50% so với mức cơ bản.
    Quan hệ tình dục, điều cơ bản cho sự tiếp diễn và sinh sản của loài người, cũng phóng thích dopamine và tăng mức độ dopamine lên khoảng 100%, tức là gấp đôi.
    Nicotine làm tăng lượng dopamine lên khoảng 150% so với mức cơ bản.
    Cocaine và amphetamine tăng lượng dopamine được phóng thích lên gấp 1.000 lần trong khoảng 10 giây sau khi tiêu thụ thuốc.
    Tuy nhiên, chỉ việc nghĩ về thức ăn, về sex, về nicotine nếu bạn thích nicotine, hoặc cocaine hay amphetamine cũng có thể làm tăng lượng dopamine được phóng thích lên cùng mức độ như khi thực sự tiêu thụ thuốc.
    Giờ đây, điều này phụ thuộc vào từng trường hợp. Trong một số trường hợp, chẳng hạn như người sử dụng cocaine, người nghiện không thể chỉ nghĩ về cocaine mà làm tăng lượng dopamine được phóng thích lên gấp 1.000 lần. Thực tế, mức độ đó thấp hơn rất nhiều. Nhưng nó đủ để đưa họ vào con đường động lực để thèm muốn điều đó.
    Bây giờ có lý do tại sao bạn lại có các mạch não như vậy. Ý tôi là, các mạch não như vậy không tiến hóa để khiến bạn nghiện. Các mạch não như này phát triển nhằm khuyến khích hành vi đến những mục tiêu cụ thể. Tốt hơn khi bạn khát, quan hệ tình dục nhằm sinh sản. Những điều này và những khu vực cùng nơ-ron não này là một phần trong lịch sử tiến hóa dẫn đến sự tồn tại của loài chúng ta.
    Những thứ như cocaine và amphetamine là thảm họa cho hầu hết mọi người vì chúng phóng thích quá nhiều dopamine và tạo ra những vòng lặp khép kín khiến mọi người chỉ ham muốn những thứ nhất định, đó là cocaine và amphetamine, dẫn đến việc phóng thích dopamine ở mức cực kỳ cao. Những thứ đó không phóng thích ở mức độ cao như vậy.
    Ngày nay, có rất nhiều sự quan tâm đến mạng xã hội và video game. Đã có một số đo đạc về lượng dopamine được phóng thích. Video game, đặc biệt là những game có tốc độ cập nhật rất cao với những vùng đất mới liên tục, gây ra sự mới mẻ như một kích thích lớn đối với dopamine. Những thứ đó có thể phóng thích dopamine nằm giữa nicotine và cocaine, tức là ở mức độ rất cao.
    Mạng xã hội là một điều thú vị vì lượng dopamine được phóng thích khi đăng nhập vào mạng xã hội ban đầu có thể khá cao, nhưng có vẻ như có sự giảm dần trong lượng dopamine, và dù vậy, mọi người vẫn bị nghiện. Vậy tại sao?
    Tại sao chúng ta có thể bị nghiện những thứ không còn tạo ra mức độ thoải mái khổng lồ như lúc ban đầu? Sự nghiện một thứ không chỉ đơn giản là vì nó cảm thấy tốt đến mức bạn muốn làm đi làm lại, mà đó là do sự cân bằng giữa khoái cảm và đau đớn nền tảng cho động lực.
    Vì vậy, hãy cùng xem xét kỹ hơn về sự cân bằng giữa khoái cảm và đau đớn vì đó là công cụ giúp bạn có thể kiểm soát động lực hướng đến những điều lành mạnh và tránh những hành vi bị động lực hướng đến những thứ hủy hoại bạn.
    Có nhiều lý do khiến mọi người thử nghiệm những hành vi mới, không quan trọng đó có phải là những loại thuốc hay không, hoặc những điều tìm kiếm mạo hiểm, hoặc họ tham gia một lớp học mới. Bởi vì bạn sẽ nhận thấy tôi không đặt bất kỳ phán xét hay giá trị nào lên những hành vi khác nhau này, mặc dù tôi nghĩ điều công bằng là chỉ ra rằng đối với hầu hết mọi người, các loại thuốc gây nghiện như cocaine và amphetamine đều rất phá hoại.
    Thực tế, chúng tôi biết rằng khoảng 15 đến 20% người có xu hướng di truyền dễ nghiện mà bạn đôi khi nghe nói rằng lần đầu tiên bạn sử dụng một loại thuốc, bạn có thể trở nên nghiện nó. Điều đó thực tế không được chứng minh là đúng cho hầu hết mọi thứ và hầu hết mọi người, nhưng đối với một số người, điều đó thực sự đúng.
    Nhưng trong mọi trường hợp, cách mà sự nghiện hoạt động và cách mà động lực hoạt động nói chung trong bối cảnh không nghiện là khi bạn dự đoán điều gì đó, một lượng nhỏ dopamine sẽ được phóng thích. Và sau đó, khi bạn đạt được điều đó, bạn tham gia vào điều đó, lượng dopamine sẽ tăng lên ngay cả hơn nữa.
    Nhưng khi bạn liên tục theo đuổi một hành vi và liên tục tham gia vào một điều gì đó cụ thể, hãy nói rằng bạn thích chạy bộ hoặc bạn thích chocolate. Khi bạn ăn một miếng chocolate, tin hay không, nó thật sự ngon. Và sau đó có một sự chuyển hướng ra khỏi việc kích hoạt dopamine. Và có những hóa chất khác được phóng thích gây ra một cảm giác đau nhẹ.
    Bây giờ, bạn có thể không cảm thấy điều đó như một cơn đau thể xác, nhưng cơn thèm muốn mà bạn cảm nhận được là một phần dopamine và một phần phản chiếu của dopamine, đó là cơn đau hoặc sự thèm muốn thêm một miếng chocolate nữa. Và đây là một đặc điểm rất quan trọng và tinh tế của hệ thống dopamine mà ít khi được thảo luận. Mọi người thường nói về điều đó như chỉ là niềm vui, bạn thích mạng xã hội, vì vậy nó mang lại cho bạn dopamine và bạn tham gia vào đó. Bạn thích chocolate, nó giải phóng dopamine, vì vậy bạn làm điều đó. Nhưng cho mỗi bit dopamine được giải phóng, có một mạch khác trong não tạo ra, bạn có thể nghĩ về nó như một sự giảm sút trong niềm vui. Vì vậy, bạn tham gia vào một điều gì đó mà bạn thực sự muốn và có sự gia tăng về niềm vui. Và sau đó, không cần bạn làm gì, có một phản chiếu của điều đó, đó là một sự giảm sút trong niềm vui, mà chúng ta gọi là cơn đau. Vì vậy, cho mỗi bit niềm vui, có một trải nghiệm phản chiếu của cơn đau và chúng chồng chéo lên nhau trong thời gian rất sát nhau. Vì vậy, đôi khi khó để cảm nhận điều này, nhưng hãy thử đi. Lần tới khi bạn ăn một cái gì đó thật ngon, bạn sẽ cắn một miếng, nó rất ngon. Và một phần của trải nghiệm là mong muốn nhiều hơn cái điều đó. Điều này đúng với bất kỳ trải nghiệm nào mang lại niềm vui. Bây giờ, điều quái ác về dopamine là vì nó không tiến hóa để khiến bạn thỏa mãn với nhiều và nhiều hơn nữa một thứ gì đó, nên điều xảy ra là ban đầu bạn trải nghiệm sự gia tăng niềm vui và bạn cũng trải nghiệm sự gia tăng cơn đau ngay sau đó hoặc kết hợp với niềm vui đó khiến bạn muốn nhiều hơn cái điều đó. Nhưng với mỗi lần tiếp theo mà bạn gặp gỡ cái điều đó, trải nghiệm về sự giải phóng dopamine và niềm vui sẽ giảm đi một chút. Và điều quái ác là phản ứng cơn đau lại tăng lên một chút. Điều này được quan sát tốt nhất trong bối cảnh hành vi tìm kiếm ma túy. Lần đầu tiên một ai đó quyết định sử dụng cocaine hoặc amphetamine, họ sẽ trải nghiệm một sự giải phóng dopamine lớn và họ sẽ cảm thấy rất tốt. Tuy nhiên, lần sau khi họ sử dụng, nó sẽ không cảm thấy tốt như lần đầu. Và nó cũng sẽ không cảm thấy tốt như lần thứ ba hoặc lần tiếp theo. Nhưng mức độ cơn đau, mức độ thèm thuốc mà họ trải nghiệm với ma túy sẽ tăng lên theo thời gian. Vậy nhiều trong việc theo đuổi niềm vui của chúng ta chỉ đơn giản là để giảm cơn đau của sự thèm muốn. Vì vậy, lần tới khi bạn trải nghiệm điều gì đó mà bạn thực sự thích, tôi không muốn làm bạn rời khỏi trải nghiệm đó, nhưng rất quan trọng là bạn nhận ra điều này, rằng nếu có một cái gì đó bạn thực sự thích, phần của sự tận hưởng đó là về sự mong đợi và mong muốn nhiều hơn cái điều đó. Và đó là hệ thống cơn đau đang hoạt động. Tôi muốn tạm dừng một chút và cảm ơn nhà tài trợ của chúng ta, 8Sleep. 8Sleep sản xuất các vỏ đệm thông minh với khả năng làm mát, làm nóng và theo dõi giấc ngủ. Bây giờ, tôi đã nói trước đây trên podcast này về nhu cầu thiết yếu của chúng ta để có đủ giấc ngủ chất lượng mỗi đêm. Một trong những cách tốt nhất để đảm bảo có một giấc ngủ ngon là đảm bảo rằng nhiệt độ của môi trường ngủ của bạn là đúng. Bởi vì để có thể đi vào giấc ngủ sâu và duy trì nó, nhiệt độ cơ thể của bạn thực sự phải giảm khoảng từ 1 đến 3 độ. Và để thức dậy cảm thấy sảng khoái và tràn đầy năng lượng, nhiệt độ cơ thể của bạn thực sự phải tăng khoảng từ 1 đến 3 độ. 8Sleep giúp bạn rất dễ dàng kiểm soát nhiệt độ của bề mặt đệm bằng cách cho phép bạn lập trình nhiệt độ của vỏ đệm của bạn vào đầu, giữa và cuối buổi đêm. Tôi đã ngủ trên một vỏ đệm 8Sleep gần bốn năm nay, và nó đã hoàn toàn biến đổi và cải thiện chất lượng giấc ngủ của tôi. 8Sleep mới đây đã ra mắt thế hệ vỏ đệm mới nhất mang tên Pod4 Ultra. Pod4 Ultra có khả năng làm mát và làm nóng tốt hơn. Tôi thấy điều này rất hữu ích vì tôi thích làm cho giường thật mát vào đầu đêm, còn lạnh hơn giữa đêm, và ấm khi tôi thức dậy. Đó là điều mang lại cho tôi nhiều giấc ngủ sóng chậm và giấc ngủ REM nhất. Nó cũng có tính năng phát hiện ngáy sẽ tự động nâng đầu của bạn lên vài độ để cải thiện luồng không khí và ngừng ngáy của bạn. Nếu bạn muốn thử một vỏ đệm 8Sleep, bạn có thể truy cập 8sleep.com/huberman để tiếp cận ưu đãi Black Friday ngay bây giờ. Với chương trình giảm giá Black Friday này, bạn có thể tiết kiệm lên đến 600 đô la cho Pod4 Ultra của họ. Đây là đợt giảm giá lớn nhất của 8Sleep trong năm. 8Sleep hiện vận chuyển đến Mỹ, Canada, Vương quốc Anh, một số quốc gia EU và Australia. Một lần nữa, đó là 8sleep.com/huberman. Tập hôm nay cũng được mang đến nhờ Matina. Matina làm trà lá yerba mate dạng rời và trà yerba mate sẵn uống. Bây giờ, tôi đã thường xuyên thảo luận về lợi ích của yerba mate, chẳng hạn như điều chỉnh lượng đường trong máu, hàm lượng chống oxy hóa cao, cách nó có thể cải thiện tiêu hóa và tác dụng bảo vệ thần kinh có thể có của nó. Chính vì tất cả những lý do đó mà yerba mate là nguồn caffeine ưa thích của tôi. Tôi cũng uống yerba mate vì tôi đơn giản là thích hương vị, và trong khi có rất nhiều lựa chọn khác nhau về đồ uống yerba mate, sở thích cá nhân của tôi rõ ràng là Matina. Nó được làm từ những nguyên liệu chất lượng cao nhất, điều này mang lại cho nó hương vị rất phong phú nhưng cũng rất sạch, không có vị chát. Thực tế, với việc Matina có hương vị tuyệt vời như vậy và sự cam kết cho chất lượng, tôi đã quyết định trở thành cổ đông trong công ty vào đầu năm nay. Đặc biệt, tôi rất thích hương vị của yerba mate lạnh, không đường, đóng chai của Matina, mà tôi đã trực tiếp tham gia phát triển. Tôi uống ít nhất ba chai như vậy mỗi ngày bây giờ. Tôi cũng thích trà lá Matina của họ, mà tôi uống mỗi sáng từ lúc làm thức uống, tôi cho nước nóng vào và nhâm nhi, và tôi sẽ có một ít trà lạnh suốt buổi sáng và đầu buổi chiều. Tôi cảm thấy nó mang lại cho tôi năng lượng tuyệt vời suốt cả ngày, và tôi có thể đi vào giấc ngủ hoàn toàn dễ dàng vào ban đêm. Không có vấn đề gì cả. Nếu bạn muốn thử Matina, bạn có thể truy cập drinkmatina.com/huberman.
    Hiện tại, Matina đang cung cấp một túi trà yerba mate lá rời miễn phí nặng một pound và miễn phí vận chuyển, khi bạn mua hai thùng trà yerba mate pha lạnh của họ. Một lần nữa, đó là drinkmatina.com/huberman để nhận một túi trà yerba mate lá rời miễn phí và miễn phí vận chuyển.
    Chúng ta có thể phân biệt giữa dopamine, mà thực sự liên quan đến niềm vui, và dopamine, mà thực sự liên quan đến động lực để theo đuổi nhiều hơn nhằm giảm hoặc loại trừ cơn đau trong tương lai.
    Hãy để tôi nhắc lại, dopamine không chỉ đơn thuần là về niềm vui mà còn về động lực và mong muốn theo đuổi nhiều hơn để giảm thiểu cơn đau. Và giờ đây, chúng ta đang nói về cơn đau như một cơn đau tâm lý và khao khát, mặc dù những người nhớ thương một người yêu rất nhiều, hoặc thực sự khao khát một món ăn nào đó, hoặc nghiện một loại thuốc mà không thể tiếp cận được, sẽ trải nghiệm điều đó như một cơn thèm thuốc vật lý và tinh thần. Cơ thể và não bộ liên kết với nhau theo cách này.
    Họ thường mô tả điều đó như là đau đớn, họ khao khát điều đó. Và tôi nghĩ rằng từ “khao khát” là một từ rất giá trị trong ngữ cảnh này, bởi vì khao khát dường như bao gồm một trải nghiệm toàn thân, nhiều hơn chỉ là muốn, mà có thể chỉ nằm trong tâm trí.
    Vì vậy, mong muốn của bạn về một điều gì đó tỷ lệ thuận với mức độ vui thích khi bạn thỏa mãn với điều đó, nhưng cũng phụ thuộc vào mức độ đau đớn mà bạn trải nghiệm khi bạn không có nó. Và bây giờ bạn có thể bắt đầu để tâm trí mình lang thang vào đủ loại ví dụ về những sự nghiện ngập hay những điều mà bạn thích.
    Tôi sẽ sử dụng ví dụ mà tôi thường nhắc ở đây, đó là tình yêu của tôi với bánh croissant. Hương vị của chiếc bánh croissant đó khiến tôi muốn ăn nhiều bánh croissant hơn. Cuối cùng, mức đường huyết tăng lên, cảm giác no đạt được, v.v. Thì chuyện gì xảy ra sau đó? Sự thỏa mãn và cảm giác no là gì? À, đó là một chất trung gian thần kinh riêng biệt. Nó liên quan đến chất trung gian thần kinh serotonin. Nó liên quan đến oxytocin. Nó liên quan đến một hệ hormone có liên quan đến cái gọi là prolactin.
    Vì vậy, chúng ta sẽ nói về tất cả những điều đó trong cuốn sách “Molecule of More”, một cuốn sách tuyệt vời. Những chất này được mô tả là các phân tử ở đây và bây giờ, những chất cho phép bạn trải nghiệm cảm giác và niềm vui trong hiện tại và mà não bộ ngừng dự đoán vào tương lai.
    Vì vậy, bây giờ hãy nói về cơn thèm và những phân tử được gọi là ở đây và bây giờ và cách mà chúng tham gia vào một loại cân bằng đẩy-kéo cho phép bạn không chỉ cảm thấy có động lực hơn mà còn tận hưởng những điều trong cuộc sống mà bạn đang theo đuổi ở mức độ lớn hơn nhiều.
    Chúng ta có các neuron trong một khu vực của não gọi là RAFE, R-A-P-H-E. RAFE giải phóng serotonin ở những nơi khác nhau trong não. Serotonin là phân tử của hạnh phúc và sự thỏa mãn với những gì bạn đã có. Tôi đã nói trước đây về cảm nhận ngoại biên. Cảm nhận ngoại biên là một sự tập trung vào thế giới bên ngoài, mọi thứ vượt qua ranh giới của làn da của bạn. Tôi cũng đã nói về cảm nhận nội biên, một sự tập trung vào những thứ đang xảy ra bên trong ranh giới của làn da của bạn.
    Dopamine và serotonin có thể được coi là liên quan đến cảm nhận ngoại biên. Dopamine khiến chúng ta tập trung vào những điều bên ngoài mà vượt qua cái mà chúng ta gọi là không gian cá nhân của chúng ta, nơi mà chúng ta thực sự cần phải di chuyển và hành động để đạt được những thứ. Và serotonin nói chung liên quan đến những điều đang ở trong hiện tại, vì vậy cái tên này được mô tả như là các phân tử ở đây và bây giờ.
    Vì vậy, thật đáng chú ý khi chỉ ra rằng cơ thể và não bộ có thể chỉ đạo sự chú ý của mình về những thứ bên ngoài hoặc bên trong chúng ta hoặc chia sẻ sự chú ý giữa hai điều đó. Chỉ cần hiểu rằng dopamine hướng chúng ta suy nghĩ về những gì chúng ta không có, trong khi serotonin và một số phân tử liên quan như các endocannabinoids thì, nếu bạn đã nhận ra từ cannabinoid, đúng vậy, nó giống như cần sa vì cần sa gắn vào các thụ thể endocannabinoid.
    Và các endocannabinoids là các thụ thể và hóa chất mà cannabinoid mà bạn tự nhiên sản xuất liên quan đến những điều như việc quên đi. Nhưng bạn tạo ra những phân tử này gắn vào các thụ thể này khiến bạn cảm thấy như đang viên mãn và thỏa mãn trong hiện tại.
    Vì vậy, bạn có hai hệ thống này, chúng như một loại đẩy-kéo. Và nếu bạn nói, thực hiện điều đó, bạn biết đấy, trong cuốn sách, nơi bạn đến, bạn ở đó. John Cobbets trong cuộc trò chuyện nói về một thực hành thiền khác với hầu hết các thực hành thiền nơi bạn ăn một hạt hạnh nhân và bạn tập trung toàn bộ sự chú ý của mình vào hạt hạnh nhân, hương vị của hạt hạnh nhân, kết cấu của hạt hạnh nhân.
    Đó thực sự là một thực hành chánh niệm nhằm cố gắng biến một hành vi thường là về sự theo đuổi, thường việc ăn uống là thứ chúng ta tham gia vì dopamine. Chúng ta theo đuổi nhiều thực phẩm hơn vì mối quan hệ giữa niềm vui và nỗi đau mà tôi đã nói trước đó. Tập trung vào một hạt hạnh nhân hoặc trở nên rất hiện hữu trong bất kỳ hành vi nào mà thường sẽ là một loại hành vi theo đuổi cảm nhận ngoại vi và mang nó vào hiện tại. Đó là một mẹo tâm lý hay một nhiệm vụ tinh thần mà cộng đồng chánh niệm đã thực sự tiếp nhận nhằm cố gắng tạo ra niềm vui gia tăng cho những gì bạn đã có.
    Nó thực sự cố gắng đạt được một sự chuyển đổi từ việc giải phóng dopamine sang việc serotonin trong hệ thống cannabinoid tham gia vào hành vi đó. Dopamine có đặc điểm khiến mọi người trở nên say mê theo đuổi những điều, các loại thuốc như marijuana, opioids, bất cứ điều gì thực sự tác động mạnh đến hệ thống serotonin tend tạo ra cảm giác uể oải và thỏa mãn để ở lại đúng nơi mà họ đang ở. Họ không muốn theo đuổi gì nhiều cả.
    Vì vậy, bạn có những phân tử như dopamine khiến bạn tập trung vào những điều bạn muốn và những điều bạn khao khát. Và sau đó bạn có những phân tử khiến bạn thỏa mãn với những gì bạn có. Vì vậy, điều quan trọng nhất có thể trong việc tạo ra một cảnh quan cảm xúc lành mạnh là có sự cân bằng giữa hai hệ thống trung gian thần kinh này.
    Vì vậy, vào khoảng thời điểm này trong podcast, tôi đoán rằng một số bạn đang nghĩ, được rồi, tuyệt vời, tôi muốn nhiều dopamine hơn.
    Tôi muốn có động lực nhiều hơn. Tôi không muốn trì hoãn nhiều như vậy và tôi muốn có thể trải nghiệm cuộc sống. Tôi muốn các phân tử ở đây và ngay bây giờ cũng được giải phóng. Thật ra, có một cách để làm điều đó, nhưng bạn phải hiểu rằng nguồn gốc của sự trì hoãn không phải là một điều duy nhất. Về cơ bản, có hai loại người trì hoãn, theo như nghiên cứu đã chỉ ra.
    Loại đầu tiên là những người thực sự thích căng thẳng của thời hạn sắp tới. Đó là cách duy nhất để họ có thể hành động. Có những người trì hoãn khác chỉ đơn giản là không giải phóng đủ dopamine. Đối với những người đó, có nhiều điều khác nhau có thể tăng cường dopamine. Tôi thực sự đề nghị bạn nên nói chuyện với một bác sĩ tâm thần hoặc bác sĩ. Tôi đã nói về mucuna pruriens, mà 99.9% là L-dopa, tiền chất của dopamine. Có những loại thuốc chống trầm cảm như wellbutrin, brupriarone là tên gọi khác của nó, có khả năng tăng cường dopamine và epinephrine. Tuy nhiên, nếu bạn nhớ lại cuộc thảo luận trước đó của chúng ta về dopamine, dopamine, nếu nó rất cao, sẽ tạo ra cảm giác khoái cảm và mong muốn nhiều hơn nữa. Vì vậy, bạn cũng có thể trở thành một người mà đủ chưa bao giờ là đủ.
    Điều duy nhất mà dopamine thực sự muốn là có thêm những thứ giải phóng dopamine. Vì vậy, một trong những điều bạn có thể làm để trở thành một người hạnh phúc hơn nói chung, đặc biệt nếu bạn là người theo đuổi các mục tiêu dài hạn của bất kỳ loại nào, là kéo dài giai đoạn tích cực của việc giải phóng dopamine. Và càng nhiều bạn có thể làm giảm phản ứng đau đớn với điều đó, thì càng tốt. Và bạn thực sự có thể làm điều này một cách nhận thức. Tôi đã từng đùa với nhóm nghiên cứu của tôi rằng khi chúng tôi công bố một bài báo, tôi sẽ rất phấn khích, nhưng tôi không cho phép mình trở nên quá phấn khích. Điều tôi muốn làm thay vào đó, và điều tôi vẫn cố gắng làm là cố gắng kéo dài khoảng thời gian của trải nghiệm tích cực đó trong thời gian dài nhất có thể. Chỉ đơn giản là suy nghĩ lại, như, ôi, điều đó thật tuyệt. Tôi thực sự thích làm công việc đó. Tôi thực sự thích việc khám phá đó. Tôi thực sự thích làm điều đó với những người mà tôi đã làm việc cùng vào thời điểm đó. Thật là một niềm vui.
    Vì vậy, bạn có thể kéo dài niềm vui mà không cần phải tham gia vào hành vi đó nhiều lần. Đó là việc kéo dài khoảng thời gian giải phóng dopamine. Đồng thời, điều đó cũng giảm bớt một phần nỗi đau khi không có trải nghiệm đó diễn ra nhiều lần. Giờ đây, đối với những người có thành tích cao, có lẽ bạn đã quen thuộc với điều này. Nhiều người có thành tựu lớn, suy nghĩ đầu tiên của họ là, ồ, bây giờ thì sao? Tôi sẽ làm gì tiếp theo? Làm thế nào tôi có thể vượt qua điều đó? Thực sự, nhiều người có cảm giác giả lập dopamine và tìm kiếm sự mới lạ rất cao có xu hướng mắc nghiện. Họ có xu hướng theo đuổi những mục tiêu bên ngoài một cách điên cuồng, để bỏ qua những cơ chế nội bộ cho phép họ cảm thấy bình tĩnh và hạnh phúc.
    Vì vậy, đối với những người rất tham vọng, rất có động lực, việc áp dụng thực hành để có thể tham gia vào hiện tại, những thực hành kiểu hạnh nhân mà chúng ta đã nói đến trước đó, về việc học cách có một giấc ngủ ngon thường xuyên thông qua các công cụ và cơ chế mà tôi đã đề cập trong các tập podcast trước, mang lại cho chúng ta một sự cân bằng giữa việc tìm kiếm niềm vui và việc giảm bớt nỗi đau và niềm vui trong hiện tại. Vì vậy, niềm vui thực sự là hai điều. Đó là niềm vui trong sự theo đuổi, nhưng cũng là niềm vui trong những gì bạn có. Điều thú vị là bạn thực sự có thể điều chỉnh toàn bộ hệ thống này theo cách mà sẽ dẫn bạn hoặc nghiêng bạn về phía dự đoán tích cực hơn về những điều trong cuộc sống và ít thất vọng hơn. Đó chỉ đơn giản là một vấn đề điều chỉnh cái mà chúng ta gọi là lịch trình dopamine.
    Tôi muốn nghỉ một chút và cảm ơn một trong những nhà tài trợ của chúng tôi, Element. Element là một loại đồ uống điện giải có tất cả những gì bạn cần và không có gì không cần thiết. Điều đó có nghĩa là các điện giải, natri, magie và kali, trong các tỷ lệ chính xác, nhưng không có đường. Chúng ta đều biết rằng việc duy trì đủ nước là rất quan trọng để đạt được chức năng não và cơ thể tối ưu. Thực tế, ngay cả một mức độ mất nước nhẹ cũng có thể làm giảm hiệu suất nhận thức và thể chất của bạn một cách đáng kể. Điều quan trọng là bạn không chỉ được cung cấp đủ nước mà còn nhận đủ lượng điện giải đúng tỷ lệ.
    Uống một gói element hòa tan trong nước giúp bạn dễ dàng đảm bảo rằng bạn đang nhận đủ lượng nước và điện giải. Để đảm bảo rằng tôi đang nhận đủ lượng cả hai, tôi hòa tan một gói element trong khoảng từ 16 đến 32 ounce nước khi tôi thức dậy vào buổi sáng, và tôi uống điều đó hầu như ngay đầu buổi sáng. Tôi cũng sẽ uống một gói element hòa tan trong nước trong bất kỳ hoạt động thể chất nào mà tôi thực hiện, đặc biệt là vào những ngày nóng bức khi tôi đổ mồ hôi nhiều và mất nước và điện giải. Có nhiều hương vị khác nhau của element rất ngon. Tôi thích vị dưa hấu, tôi thích vị mâm xôi, tôi thích vị chanh, về cơ bản tôi thích tất cả chúng.
    Để hiểu về element, bạn có thể truy cập drinkelement.com/huberman để yêu cầu một gói mẫu element với việc mua bất kỳ loại bột uống element nào. Một lần nữa, đó là drink element viết là L-M-N-T, vì vậy hãy truy cập drinkelement.com/huberman để yêu cầu một gói mẫu miễn phí.
    Để hiểu cách kiểm soát hệ thống dopamine, cách tận dụng nó để có một cuộc sống tốt hơn, bạn cần hiểu kết quả của một thí nghiệm rất quan trọng. Thí nghiệm này có khả năng tách biệt niềm vui khỏi động lực. Đó là một thí nghiệm rất đơn giản, nhưng giống như nhiều thí nghiệm đơn giản khác, nó rất tinh tế. Những gì họ đã làm, và điều này đã được thực hiện ở động vật và con người, họ đã cho chuột ăn. Đó là một loại thức ăn mà chúng đặc biệt thích, và động vật sẽ bấm cần gạt để có một viên thức ăn, một thí nghiệm kinh điển, chúng sẽ ăn thức ăn, và chúng có lẽ thích thức ăn đó vì chúng có động lực để bấm cần gạt và ăn nó, thật tuyệt. Họ đã lấy những con chuột khác, họ đã loại bỏ các neuron dopamine.
    Bạn có thể làm điều này bằng cách tiêm một loại neurotoxin tiêu diệt các tế bào thần kinh này, vì vậy thực tế là chúng không có dopamine trong não, chúng không có khả năng giải phóng dopamine, và chúng đã được cho một cái cần gạt, những con chuột sẽ ngồi đó và chúng sẽ ấn cái cần gạt và ăn thức ăn. Chúng vẫn thưởng thức được thức ăn. Bạn có thể nói, vậy thì dopamine không liên quan đến động lực, nó không liên quan đến niềm vui. Không, nó thực sự có liên quan. Chúng vẫn có thể thưởng thức thức ăn, nhưng nếu bạn di chuyển con chuột cách cái cần gạt chỉ một chiều dài cơ thể, thì điều mà họ phát hiện ra là những con vật có dopamine sẽ di chuyển lại cái cần gạt, ấn nó và ăn, trong khi những con chuột không có dopamine sẽ không di chuyển nổi một chiều dài cơ thể, một chiều dài của chuột tới cái cần gạt để ấn nó và lấy thức ăn. Do đó, dopamine không phải là khả năng trải nghiệm niềm vui, mà là động lực cho niềm vui. Nhiều bạn có lẽ đang nghĩ, wow, tôi không phải là một người có động lực rất cao, giống như bạn đã nói đến một dạng trì hoãn trước đó, còn khi tôi chỉ cảm thấy hơi tẻ nhạt về cuộc sống thì sao? Đối với một số bạn, có thể có một tình trạng trầm cảm lâm sàng thật sự và bạn nên nói chuyện với một chuyên gia. Có những loại thuốc kê đơn rất tốt có thể thực sự giúp đỡ mọi người. Cũng có những phương pháp điều trị phi dược rất tốt như liệu pháp tâm lý và các phương pháp điều trị khác đang được phát triển. Ngoài liệu pháp tâm lý và các loại phân tích tâm lý khác, mà một người có thể sử dụng. Tôi nghĩ rằng dữ liệu thực sự chỉ ra rằng sự kết hợp giữa dược lý và các liệu pháp trò chuyện thường là tốt nhất. Và có một loạt lớn các phương pháp này. Tôi biết nhiều bạn đang làm việc trong các ngành nghề này, nên chúng ta sẽ không nói về điều đó ngay bây giờ. Có một hợp chất khá thú vị trong không gian bổ sung không phải là Macuna Purine’s al-dopa, không phải Altyrosine, không thúc đẩy sự giải phóng một lượng lớn dopamine hay thậm chí chỉ riêng dopamine, mà là sự kết hợp giữa dopamine và serotonin và đây là một phân tử thú vị. Nó được bán không cần đơn thuốc. Một lần nữa, bạn phải kiểm tra với nhà cung cấp dịch vụ chăm sóc sức khỏe của mình trước khi bạn dùng bất cứ thứ gì hoặc ngừng dùng bất cứ thứ gì. Điều đó rất quan trọng. Nhưng đó là phenol ethyl amine hay PEA, PEA hay beta phenol ethyl amine giải phóng dopamine ở mức thấp, nhưng cũng giải phóng serotonin ở mức thấp. Vì vậy, đây giống như một loại cocktail của các phân tử động lực cũng như các phân tử được gọi là ‘đây và bây giờ’. Phản ứng của mọi người đối với điều này rất đa dạng, nhưng nhiều người báo cáo cảm thấy sự nhạy bén tinh thần cao hơn, cảm giác hạnh phúc, v.v. Nó là một chút kích thích, giống như bất cứ thứ gì kích hoạt con đường dopamine và norepinephrine, nhưng đó là một chất bổ sung thú vị. Vậy giờ hãy nói về khái niệm lịch trình dopamine và cách bạn có thể tận dụng điều này để có được mức độ động lực cao hơn, nhưng không nhận quá nhiều dopamine đến mức mà bạn trải qua sự sụt giảm sau đó và cũng để bạn có thể trải nghiệm niềm vui cao hơn từ các hoạt động mà bạn tham gia trong cuộc sống. Và đây là nguyên tắc quan trọng. Dopamine rất chủ quan, có nghĩa là bạn có thể cho phép bản thân mình trải nghiệm niềm vui khi đạt được một cột mốc nào đó hoặc một ham muốn nào đó hay không. Thực ra điều này khá mạnh mẽ. Điều mà một người có thể làm với hệ thống chủ quan, thực tế, tôi sẽ mô tả cho bạn một thí nghiệm làm nổi bật sức mạnh của việc đọc thành quả chủ quan hoặc diễn giải chủ quan về một trải nghiệm nhất định thực sự có thể mạnh mẽ đến mức nào ngay cả ở cấp độ dược lý. Tựa đề của thí nghiệm này là “Kỳ vọng về Loại Kích Thích, Điều Chỉnh Tác Động của Caffeine lên Tâm Trạng và Nhận Thức”. Điều này được thực hiện trên sinh viên đại học. Đây là một nghiên cứu thú vị. Những gì họ đã làm là cho sinh viên đại học hoặc là thuốc giả, về cơ bản là không có gì, hoặc 200 miligam caffeine. 100 miligam caffeine tương đương với lượng caffeine có trong một tách cà phê thông thường, như một tách cà phê giữa mà bạn mua từ một quán cà phê. Vì vậy, họ đã lấy 65 sinh viên đại học. Họ đã phân ngẫu nhiên cho họ uống hoặc là thuốc giả hoặc caffeine, và họ nói với họ rằng họ sẽ nhận được caffeine hoặc Adderall. Giờ thì Adderall mang lại một kỳ vọng rất khác trong nhận thức. Những sinh viên này biết rằng Adderall là một loại thuốc kích thích mạnh hơn nhiều so với caffeine. Họ biết rằng nó tạo ra một cảm giác hưng phấn. Đây là cách mà các sinh viên mô tả, và họ nghĩ rằng điều này sẽ tăng cường tập trung và khả năng làm việc của họ. Vì vậy, điều thực sự thú vị là có một hiệu ứng rõ ràng giữa giả dược và caffeine. Điều đó không thể ngạc nhiên, phải không? Bạn dùng một thuốc giả, bạn có thể cảm thấy hoặc không cảm thấy tỉnh táo hơn, nhưng nếu bạn dùng 200 miligam caffeine, rất có thể bạn sẽ cảm thấy rất tỉnh táo. Nhưng cũng có một hiệu ứng về việc liệu sinh viên nghĩ rằng họ đang nhận được caffeine hoặc Adderall. Những người nhận caffeine đã báo cáo cảm thấy được kích thích nhiều hơn, lo âu hơn, và có động lực hơn so với những người nhận thuốc giả, được chứ. Nhưng những người mong đợi Adderall đã báo cáo tác động amphetamine mạnh hơn. Họ đã làm tốt hơn trong một bài kiểm tra trí nhớ làm việc. Và nói chung, họ có tất cả các tác động nhận thức tăng cường sẽ thấy với Adderall, nhưng họ chỉ đang tiêu thụ caffeine. Vì vậy, điều này dẫn đến hiệu suất tăng cao đơn thuần chỉ vì sinh viên nghĩ rằng họ đang nhận được Adderall. Và tôi nghĩ điều này rất quan trọng vì nó chỉ ra rằng các quá trình nhận thức cấp cao hơn đang ảnh hưởng ngay cả đến các khía cạnh cơ bản nhất của việc giải phóng dopamine hay giải phóng adrenaline hay epinephrine theo những cách mà có thể tác động tích cực đến hiệu suất. Trong trường hợp này, đó là một sự cải thiện tích cực trong trí nhớ làm việc và sự tập trung. Vì vậy, hôm nay chúng ta đã nói rất nhiều về hệ thống dopamine và những loại lịch trình có thể cho phép cơn thèm hoặc nghiện.
    Dưới đây là bản dịch sang tiếng Việt:
    Lịch trình của dopamine sẽ cho phép bạn tối đa hóa việc theo đuổi niềm vui và loại bỏ đau đớn như thế nào? Chúng ta có được câu trả lời cho điều đó từ người bạn tốt của chúng ta, đó là cờ bạc. Lý do cờ bạc hiệu quả, lý do tại sao mọi người lại ném cả cuộc đời mình vào đó. Lý do tại sao mọi người lại quay lại những nơi như Las Vegas và Atlantic City một lần nữa và một lần nữa là vì niềm hy vọng và sự mong đợi. Những thành phố và địa điểm đó được xây dựng dựa trên dopamine. Họ đang khai thác hệ thống dopamine của bạn. Và như một người bạn của tôi, một chuyên gia điều trị nghiện có chứng chỉ đã nói với tôi rằng nghiện cờ bạc đặc biệt nguy hiểm bởi vì lần chơi tiếp theo thực sự có thể là điều thay đổi mọi thứ. Giống như các dạng nghiện khác, lần chơi tiếp theo thực sự có thể thay đổi mọi thứ và điều đó được ghi trong tâm trí của những người nghiện cờ bạc, và hiếm khi nó mang lại lợi ích cho sức khỏe của người nghiện cờ bạc và gia đình của họ. Tuy nhiên, lịch trình củng cố ngắt quãng đã được các nhà nghiên cứu khoa học phát hiện từ lâu. Đây là máy slot mà thỉnh thoảng cho bạn thắng để giữ bạn chơi. Đây là xác suất thắng trên bàn craps hay bàn roulette hay tại blackjack đủ thường xuyên để bạn sẵn sàng mua vé, ra ngoài, chơi lại, đi xuống dưới từ phòng của bạn, dù bạn đã thề rằng mình sẽ ngừng chơi trong đêm. Củng cố ngắt quãng là hình thức phần thưởng dopamine mạnh mẽ nhất được lên lịch để giữ bạn làm một điều gì đó. Vì vậy, chúng ta có thể xuất khẩu điều đó, chúng ta có thể sử dụng nó cho những điều tốt đẹp. Nếu có điều gì đó mà bạn đang theo đuổi trong cuộc sống, dù đó là mục tiêu học tập hay mục tiêu tài chính hay mục tiêu quan hệ, một trong những điều bạn có thể làm để đảm bảo rằng bạn sẽ tiếp tục đi trên con đường đến mục tiêu đó trong một thời gian dài và sẽ tiếp tục vượt qua hiệu suất trước đó cũng như tiếp tục tận hưởng sự giải phóng dopamine xảy ra khi bạn đạt được những cột mốc mà bạn muốn đạt được là thỉnh thoảng loại bỏ phần thưởng một cách chủ quan. Giả sử bạn đặt ra mục tiêu kiếm tiền, tôi sẽ làm cho điều này trở nên cụ thể liên quan đến tài chính vì nó đơn giản hơn để miêu tả, nhưng điều này cũng có thể áp dụng cho thể thao, trường học, âm nhạc, hay bất kỳ nỗ lực sáng tạo nào khác, nhưng giả sử bạn đặt ra một mục tiêu tài chính nhất định hoặc giả sử bạn muốn có một số lượng người theo dõi nhất định trên bất kỳ nền tảng mạng xã hội nào. Khi bạn đạt được từng mục tiêu đó, bạn nên biết rằng lượng dopamine sẽ không đạt đỉnh, thực tế sẽ giảm xuống và khiến bạn thèm muốn nhiều hơn. Chìa khóa để tránh sự giảm sút đó, nhưng vẫn giữ ở mức độ lành mạnh cho phép bạn tiếp tục theo đuổi, là khi bạn đang bước từng bước về phía mục tiêu của mình, bạn thực sự muốn làm giảm phản ứng phần thưởng cho một số mục tiêu trung gian đó. Bây giờ tôi không nói rằng bạn không nên ăn mừng những chiến thắng của mình, nhưng tôi đang nói rằng bạn không nên ăn mừng tất cả chúng. Hoặc giống như một người bạn tốt của tôi, người gần đây, may mắn cho anh ấy, đã có một thành công tài chính lớn, anh ấy đã hỏi tôi và một người bạn khác, một người bạn tốt của tôi rất hiểu về các lịch trình phần thưởng dopamine, hiểu cách chúng hoạt động ở một mức độ thật sâu và anh ấy đã nói, “Tôi không biết phải làm gì tiếp theo.” Và chúng tôi đã nói, “Ôi, điều đó thật đơn giản, bạn chỉ cần cho đi phần lớn số tiền đó.” Và đây không phải là một mưu đồ để nhận bất kỳ số tiền nào cho chúng tôi. Điều này thực sự là về việc giảm thiểu tác động của phần thưởng đó. Bây giờ, hy vọng rằng việc cho đi tiền, nếu bạn đã có đủ, sẽ là điều gì đó tự bản thân nó đã mang lại phần thưởng. Nhưng nếu bạn là một sinh viên đang theo đuổi các mục tiêu trong đại học, hoặc bạn là một vận động viên đang theo đuổi các mục tiêu, thực sự từ một góc nhìn hợp lý, khi bạn hiểu những cơ chế này, để đạt được một đỉnh cao mới về hiệu suất hoặc để nhận được điểm A cộng hoặc với bạn là A trừ, v.v. Và để nói với chính mình, “Được rồi, điều đó rất tốt.” Nhưng thực tế là phải làm giảm phần thưởng, không đi ăn mừng quá mãnh liệt. Bởi vì khi làm như vậy, bạn giữ cho hệ thống dopamine của mình được kiểm soát và bạn đảm bảo rằng bạn sẽ tiếp tục theo đuổi, không chỉ cho điều đó, mà cho tất cả mọi thứ. Những tăng đột biến lớn trong dopamine dẫn đến những cú sụt lớn trong dopamine và những tăng đột biến lớn trong dopamine sẽ làm tăng mức cược. Bạn có thể nâng cao điều mà Las Vegas và Atlantic City và các cơ chế cờ bạc khác đã biết từ lâu. Họ đã học hỏi điều đó từ các nhà khoa học. Bây giờ bạn có thể lấy lại và bắt đầu khai thác điều đó và bạn chỉ cần làm cho nó diễn ra theo cách ngắt quãng. Bạn tự thưởng cho mình không theo một lịch trình dự đoán, vì vậy không phải mỗi lần thứ hai hoặc mỗi lần thứ ba hoặc mỗi lần thứ mười, mà đôi khi là ba lần liên tiếp, rồi không có gì trong 10 ngày. Do đó, phần thưởng là quan trọng, tự thưởng cho chính mình là cực kỳ quan trọng, nhưng hãy chắc chắn rằng bạn không làm điều đó theo một lịch trình dự đoán đến mức bạn làm cho các mạch dopamine này bị cạn kiệt hoặc làm giảm khả năng cố gắng và đạt được của chính mình. Hy vọng rằng bây giờ bạn biết nhiều hơn về hệ thống dopamine, phần thưởng và động lực so với khi bạn bắt đầu podcast này. Bạn cũng hiểu về mặt khác của dopamine và phần thưởng, đó là nỗi đau và sự cân bằng của hệ thống niềm vui – nỗi đau này, cũng như các phân tử mà chúng ta gọi hoặc mà đã được miêu tả trong cuốn sách “Phân tử của nhiều hơn”, tôi nên nói, như là các phân tử của hiện tại, những thứ như serotonin và endocannabinoids. Cuối cùng, tôi muốn cảm ơn bạn đã dành thời gian và sự chú ý của bạn hôm nay. Tôi hy vọng bạn đã học được nhiều điều và rằng bạn đã tìm hiểu được nhiều công cụ có thể áp dụng vào cuộc sống của bạn liên quan đến động lực và cảm xúc. Cảm ơn bạn đã quan tâm đến khoa học.
    [Nhạc]
    (Nhạc vui tươi)
    歡迎來到 Huberman Lab Essentials,在這裡我們回顧過去的集數,提供最有效和可行的基於科學的心理健康、身體健康和表現的工具。我是 Andrew Huberman,我是斯坦福醫學院的神經生物學及眼科教授。今天,我們要討論一個對我們日常生活至關重要的主題,那就是動機。我們將談論快感和獎勵。驅動我們感受到快感或獎勵的根本因素是什麼?我們也會討論上癮的問題。此外,我們還會講述驅動和心態的神經化學。不過現在,讓我們先談談動機和與快樂與痛苦相關的獎勵的神經科學,因為這些是我們所認為的情感的核心,包括我們是否感覺良好,是否認為我們的人生在正確的道路上,或是否感覺到自己在落後。因此,動機對我們的日常生活至關重要。它使我們能夠在早晨起床,能夠追求長期或短期的目標。動機和動機的化學物質與運動的神經化學緊密相連。事實上,單一的分子——多巴胺,既負責我們的動機感,也負責運動。這是一個迷人的分子,位於生活中許多美好事物的中心,同時也是許多可怕現象的中心,即上癮和某些形式的心理疾病。因此,如果說有什麼是神經科學領域中的雙刃劍,那就非多巴胺莫屬。大腦中釋放的多巴胺與你施加努力的慾望之間存在著基本的關係。事實上,你可以控制多巴胺的釋放時間表,但這需要合適的知識。在這種情況下,理解多巴胺系統的運作方式將使你能夠將其利用於自身利益。讓我們簡單列出幾個基本事實。多巴胺於1950年代晚期被發現,並被確定為腎上腺素的前體,這意味著它是合成腎上腺素或腎上腺素的原料。腎上腺素和腎上腺素是相同的,只是在大腦中我們稱之為腎上腺素。腎上腺素使我們能夠開始行動。它會促使血管、心臟以及身體各個器官和組織發生變化,使我們偏向於運動。最初,多巴胺被認為僅僅是腎上腺素的建築基塊。然而,多巴胺本身有很多功能,並不總是被轉化為腎上腺素。多巴胺在大腦和身體的幾個部位釋放,但今天關於動機和獎勵的討論中,最重要的部位之一被稱為獎勵通路。對於愛好者來說,它有時被稱為中腦邊緣獎勵通路,但它對於你參與行動的慾望至關重要,並且對於人們沉迷於物質或行為的問題也至關重要。那麼這是如何運作的呢?你的大腦深部有一個結構叫做 VTA(腹側被蓋區)。VTA 中的神經元發出我們所稱的軸突,這些小電線將多巴胺釋放到一個叫做腹側紋狀體的結構中。這兩個結構,VTA 和腹側紋狀體,構成了獎勵通路的核心機制,這條通路控制你對任何事物的動機。你可以將它們視為加速器。它們使你傾向於採取行動。然而,在獎勵通路中,還有一個剎車。這個對多巴胺的限制或控制,決定了它何時釋放以及釋放的多少,來自前額皮質。前額皮質是位於你前額後方的神經系統”不動產”。你聽到它用於決策、執行功能、規劃等。而實際上,確實有很多與此有關的功能。這是一個獨特的”不動產”,是人類所擁有的。其他動物幾乎沒有這樣的結構。我們擁有很多,而前額皮質對多巴胺系統充當了剎車。這引出了動機的一個重要特徵,即動機是一個兩部分的過程,涉及平衡快樂和痛苦。因此,當你只是在那裡坐著,什麼也不做時,這條獎勵通路大約每秒釋放三到四次多巴胺。它的激發頻率很低。如果你突然對某事感到興奮,對某事充滿期待,而不是獲得獎勵,而是以期待的方式感到興奮,這時這條獎勵通路的活動頻率會瞬間提升到30或40次。這會產生一種行動感或向你渴望的事物移動的意願。事實上,可以公平地說,多巴胺是負責渴望和渴求的。這與通常所講的快感有所不同。是的,多巴胺在性行為中釋放,在食物中釋放,還在很多事物中釋放,但它主要是在對某一特定事物的期待和渴求中釋放。它使我們的注意力更加集中在我們渴望的事物上。而這些事物可以簡單如一杯咖啡,可以重要如一場重大會議,或可以是一次重要的期末考試,甚至可以是我們期待見到或見面的人。多巴胺不在乎你在渴望什麼,它只是按照特定的比率釋放。
    我想暫時休息一下,感謝我們的贊助商 AG1。AG1 是一種同時包含維他命、礦物質、益生菌、前驅物和適應原的飲品。
    作為一名參與研究科學近三十年並在健康和健身領域同樣有著長期經驗的人,我不斷尋找改善我精神健康、身體健康和表現的最佳工具。我在2012年首次發現AG1,那時我還沒有播客,甚至不知道播客是什麼,自那時起我每天都在服用它。我發現AG1在我健康的各個方面都有極大的改善。我服用後感覺真的好多了。AG1使用最高品質的成分並以正確的組合配方,他們不斷改進配方而不增加成本。每當有人問我如果只能選擇一種補充劑,那會是什麼時候,我總是回答AG1。如果你想試試AG1,可以訪問drinkag1.com/huberman以索取特別優惠。在2025年1月這個月,AG1將免費贈送10個旅行包和一年的維生素D3K2供應。再次提醒你,請訪問drinkag1.com/huberman以索取10個免費旅行包和一年的維生素D3K2供應。如果我們稍微退一步,仔細看看科學數據,了解多巴胺的釋放在不同情況下增加的幅度,我們能對大腦的工作方式以及為什麼你可能會有動力或缺乏動力有一個相當有趣的窗口。假設你很餓,或者期待喝一杯咖啡,或是要見你的伴侶。這時你的多巴胺神經元的活動率是比較低的,直到你開始思考你想要的東西或者期待的事情。當你吃了那食物之後,在這個獎勵路徑上釋放的多巴胺水平會比基準提高大約50%。性行為對我們物種的延續和繁殖至關重要,性行為確實會釋放多巴胺並使多巴胺水平增加約100%,簡單來說,就是翻倍。尼古丁會使多巴胺量比基準增加約150%。可卡因和安非他命會在消費該藥物後約10秒內使釋放的多巴胺增加1,000倍。然而,僅僅思考食物、性行為、尼古丁(如果你喜歡尼古丁)或可卡因和安非他命,也能使釋放的多巴胺量達到與實際消費該藥物相同的程度。這要看具體情況。例如,可卡因使用者,想要可卡因的成癮者不能僅僅幻想可卡因就能使其釋放量增至1,000倍。實際上,這個數字會低得多,但它足以讓他們產生對那 particular 事物的渴望。現在存在著大腦電路的原因。我是說,這樣的大腦電路並不是為了讓你上癮而進化的。這鼓勵特定目標行為的動機而進化,為了滿足你口渴的需求,或者為了繁殖的需要。這些大腦區域和神經元是我們物種延續的進化歷史的一部分。可卡因和安非他命等物質對大多數人來說是災難性的,因為它們釋放如此多的多巴胺,並創造了這種閉合迴路,在這種迴路中,人們只渴望於可卡因和安非他命等特定事物,這導致了大量的多巴胺釋放。這些東西不會釋放出如此程度的多巴胺。如今,社交媒體和視頻遊戲引起了大量的興趣。對釋放的多巴胺數量進行了一些測量。視頻遊戲,特別是那些更新速度非常快、經常有新領域出現的遊戲,可以釋放的多巴胺水平介於尼古丁和可卡因之間,因此釋放出非常高水平的多巴胺。社交媒體也很有趣,因為在登錄社交媒體之初釋放的多巴胺量可能相當高,但似乎隨著時間推移有可能會減少,而人們卻仍然上癮。那為什麼呢?為什麼我們會上癮於那些最初並不會帶來相同巨大快感的事物?成癮於某個東西並不僅僅是因為這件事感覺如此好,以至於你想一次又一次地去做,而是因為這種快樂與痛苦的平衡是動機的基礎。因此,讓我們更仔細地看看快樂與痛苦的平衡,因為這其中蘊藏著幫助你控制對健康事物的動機並避免對那些對你有害的事物的動機行為的工具。人們嘗試新行為有很多原因,不論那是不是毒品,還是尋求冒險刺激的活動或是參加新課程。因為你會注意到,我並未對這些不同行為進行任何評價或賦值,儘管我認為值得指出的是,對大多數人而言,像可卡因和安非他命這樣的成癮藥物是非常具破壞性的。我們確實知道,約15%到20%的人對成癮有遺傳性偏向,有時會聽到你第一次使用藥物時可能會上癮。實際上,這對大多數事物和大多數人來說並未證明是正確的,但對某些人來說,這確實是正確的。無論如何,成癮的運作方式以及動機在非成癮情況下通常的運作方式是,當你預期某件事情時,會釋放出少量的多巴胺,然後當你達到那件事情,參與其中時,多巴胺的釋放量會進一步增加。但是,隨著你一再追求某個行為,並一再參與某個特定的事物,比如說你喜歡跑步或喜歡巧克力,當你吃了一片巧克力時,相信我,它真的很好吃。然後多巴胺的激活會發生轉變,會釋放一些其他化學物質,這些物質會觸發一種低水平的痛感。
    現在你可能不會感覺到身體上的痛苦,但你所感受到的渴望,既是多巴胺的一部分,也是多巴胺的鏡像,那就是對另一塊巧克力的痛苦或渴望。這是多巴胺系統的一個非常重要和微妙的特徵,但卻很少被討論。人們總是談論快樂,比如你喜歡社交媒體,它能給你帶來多巴胺,因此你會參與其中。你喜歡巧克力,它會釋放多巴胺,所以你會去吃。但對於每一份釋放出來的多巴胺,大腦中還有另一個回路,它會產生一種可以理解為快樂的下滑。因此,當你參與你真正想要的事情時,快樂會增加。然後,在你不做任何事的情況下,會有其鏡像,即快樂的下滑,我們稱之為痛苦。所以每一份快樂都有一份痛苦的鏡像經歷,而這兩者在時間上很緊密重疊。因此,有時很難感受到這一點,但你可以試試。當你下次吃到某樣真的美味的東西時,你會咬一口,味道很好。而這一經歷的一部分是想要更多這種東西。對於任何快樂的經歷來說,這都是如此。關於多巴胺的一個邪惡之處在於,因為它並不是為了讓你沉迷於越來越多的東西而演化的,所以發生的情況是,最初你會感受到快樂的增加,同時也會在快樂后不久或交織中體驗到這種痛苦的增加,這使你想要更多這種東西。但是每一次你遇到這種東西,這種多巴胺釋放和快樂的體驗就會稍微減少。而邪惡的部分是,痛苦的反應會略有增加。這在尋求毒品的行為中最為明顯。第一次某人決定吸可卡因或安非他命時,他們會體驗到巨大的多巴胺釋放,且他們將會覺得非常好。然而,第二次吸食時,他們的感覺就不會那麼好。第三次或之後,也不會感覺更好。但他們對毒品的痛苦、渴望會隨著時間的推移而增加。因此,我們追求快樂的很多部分,實際上只是為了減少對渴望的痛苦。所以,下次當你體驗到你真的喜歡的東西時,我不想把你帶出那種經歷,但你需要注意,若你享受某樣事物,那麼你享受的部分其實也是期待和渴望更多那種東西的。這就是痛苦系統的運作。
    我想先暫停一下,感謝我們的贊助商8Sleep。8Sleep製作具有冷卻、加熱和睡眠追蹤功能的智能床墊罩。我之前在這個播客中提到過,獲得足夠的優質睡眠對我們的重要性。現在,確保你睡眠環境的溫度適當,是確保良好睡眠的最佳方法之一。因為要達到深度睡眠,你的體溫其實需要下降大約1到3度。而為了在早上醒來時感覺神清氣爽,體溫則需要上升約1到3度。8Sleep使你能輕鬆控制睡眠環境的溫度,通過允許你在夜間的開始、中間和結束時設置床墊罩的溫度。我已經在8Sleep床墊罩上睡了將近四年,並且它完全改變並改善了我的睡眠質量。8Sleep最近推出了他們最新一代的Pod罩,稱為Pod4 Ultra。Pod4 Ultra改進了冷卻和加熱能力。我覺得這對我非常有用,因為我喜歡在夜開始時把床墊弄得非常涼,夜中時再冷一點,早上醒來時則變暖。這樣能給我帶來最多的慢波睡眠和快速眼動睡眠。它還有打鼾檢測功能,能自動稍微抬高你的頭部幾度,以改善你的氣流,並停止你的打鼾。如果你想試試8Sleep的床墊罩,可以訪問8sleep.com/huberman,立刻獲取他們的黑色星期五優惠。這次黑五折扣,你可以在Pod4 Ultra上節省最多600美元。這是8Sleep全年最大的促銷。8Sleep目前運送至美國、加拿大、英國、歐盟部分國家和澳大利亞。再次提示,網站是8sleep.com/huberman。
    今天的節目也由Matina贊助。Matina製作散裝睡眠和即飲的馬黛茶。我經常談論馬黛茶的好處,比如調節血糖、高抗氧化劑含量、改善消化的方式及其可能的神經保護效果。正因為這些原因,馬黛茶成為我首選的咖啡因來源。我之所以喝馬黛茶,也是因為我非常喜歡那種味道,雖然市面上有很多不同的馬黛茶飲品,但我個人最喜歡的無疑是Matina。它由最高品質的成分製成,讓它具有非常濃郁但又非常清新的口感,沒有那種澀味。事實上,考慮到Matina的美味和對質量的承諾,我今年早些時候決定成為這家公司的一部分股東。尤其是,我喜歡Matina的罐裝零糖冷泡馬黛茶的味道,我親自參與了這款產品的開發。我現在每天至少喝三罐這個。我也很喜歡他們的散裝馬黛茶,每天早上我都會從茶籃中取出,加入熱水,慢慢品味,並在早上和下午早些時候喝一些冷泡。我發現這讓我整天都有極好的精力,晚上入睡也很輕鬆,沒有問題。如果你想試試Matina,可以訪問drinkmatina.com/huberman。
    目前,Matina 正在提供免費一磅裝的鬆葉耶魯巴茶以及免運費,只需購買兩箱他們的冷泡耶魯巴茶。再次提醒您,網址是 drinkmatina.com/huberman,可以獲得免費的鬆葉耶魯巴茶和免費運送。
    我們可以區分多巴胺,一種真正與快樂有關的物質,以及多巴胺,實際上與追求更多以緩解或排除未來疼痛的動機有關。再重複一次,多巴胺不僅僅是關於快樂,還更多是關於動機和渴望去追求更多,以減少痛苦的程度。我們現在討論的痛苦是心理上的痛,而渴望則是,儘管那些非常想念愛人,或非常渴望某種食物,或對某種藥物上癮而無法獲得的人,會將其視為身體上的渴望與心理上的渴望。這樣身體和大腦的聯繫也因此而產生。幾乎,他們會形容這種感覺是疼痛的,他們渴望著它。在這個上下文中,我認為「渴望」這個詞非常有價值,因為渴望似乎包含了一種全身的體驗,而不僅僅是想要,後者可能僅停留在意識中。
    你對某種東西的渴望與沉溺於該事物所帶來的快樂成正比,但同時也與在沒有它時所經歷的痛苦程度成正比。而你現在可以讓思維漫遊到各種成癮或你喜愛的事物的例子。我將使用一個我在這裡偶爾提到的例子,那就是我對可頌的熱愛。那可頌的味道讓我想要吃更多的可頌。最後,血糖會上升,飽腹感會到來,等等。那麼,接下來會發生什麼?什麼是滿足感和飽腹感?這是一種獨立的神經調節物質,與神經調節物質血清素有關。與催產素以及涉及一種叫做催乳素的荷爾蒙系統有關。因此,我們將在《更多的分子》這本精彩的書中討論所有這些。這些被描述為此時此刻的分子,使你能夠在當下體驗你的感官和快樂,並且讓大腦停止預測未來。
    現在讓我們談談渴望和這些所謂的此時此刻的分子,它們如何以某種推拉平衡進行互動,使你不僅能夠感受到更多的動機,還能以更大的程度享受生活中你所追求的事物。我們的大腦中有一個叫做 RAFE(R-A-P-H-E)的區域,這個區域在大腦不同地方釋放血清素。血清素是對於你已經擁有的事物的幸福感和滿足感之分子。我之前提到過外感受。外感受是對外部世界的關注,所有超出你皮膚界限的事物。我也提到過內感受,集中於發生在你皮膚內部的事情。多巴胺和血清素可以被認為與外感受有關。多巴胺讓我們專注於那些超出我們所謂的個人空間的外部事物,因為我們實際上必須移動並採取行動來實現某些事情。總體而言,血清素與我們的立即當下有關,因此這些被稱為此時此刻的分子。
    值得注意的是,身體和大腦可以把注意力指向我們外部或內部的事物,或在這兩者之間分配注意力。要理解的是,多巴胺使我們偏向於思考我們所沒有的東西,而血清素以及一些相關的分子,例如內源性大麻素,如果你聽到大麻素這個詞,是的,它與大麻有關,因為大麻附著在內源性大麻素受體上。內源性大麻素是那些與遺忘等事物有關的受體與化學物質。但是你會產生這些與這些受體結合的分子,讓你在當前感到十分幸福和滿足。這是兩個系統,他們像是推拉之間的平衡。
    如果你參考這本書中的說法,「無論你去哪裡,你都在那裡。」約翰·科巴特(John Kabat-Zinn)談到了一種與大多數冥想實踐不同的冥想方式,在這種方式中,你吃下一顆杏仁,並且將你的所有注意力都集中在杏仁上,杏仁的味道和質感上。那實際上是一種正念實踐,旨在嘗試將一種通常關於追求的行為(通常進食是因為多巴胺的關係)轉變為當前的此時此刻。我之前提到的因為快樂和痛苦的關係,我們追求更多食物。專注於這顆杏仁或在任何通常是某種外感追求行為中的行為中變得非常專注,將其帶入此時此刻。這是一種心理技巧或心理任務,正念社群在其中真的非常重視,試圖為你已經擁有的東西創造更大的快樂。這實際上正試圖實現從多巴胺釋放到血清素在大麻素系統中的參與之間的轉變。
    多巴胺的特質使人們在追求事物時表現得相當狂熱,像大麻、阿片類藥物等任何強烈刺激血清素系統的物質,往往會使人們變得非常昏昏欲睡,滿足於留在他們當前位置。他們根本不想追求太多。因此你擁有像多巴胺這樣的分子,使你專注於想要的事物和渴望的事物。而你擁有也使你對現有的事物感到滿足的分子。因此,或許在創造一個健康的情緒環境中,最重要的事情是這兩個神經調節系統之間的平衡。
    在播客進行到這個時刻時,我猜有些人正在想,好吧,太好了,我想要更多的多巴胺。
    我想要變得更有動力。我不想再拖延,我希望能夠體驗生活。我也希望這些當下的分子能夠釋放出來。其實,有一種方法可以做到這一點,但你必須理解拖延的根源並不是單一的。有研究表明,基本上有兩種拖延者。第一種是那些實際上很享受即將到來的截止日期帶來的壓力的人。這是他們採取行動的唯一方式。另一種拖延者則是因為他們根本沒有釋放足夠的多巴胺。對於這些人,有各種事物可以增加多巴胺。我建議你諮詢精神科醫生或醫生。我曾經提到過麥克納豆,這是一種99.9%的L-多巴,這是多巴胺的前體。還有一些抗抑鬱藥,比如威寶碘(Wellbutrin),另一個名稱是布普利昂(Bupropion),它可以增加多巴胺和腎上腺素。然而,如果你回想一下我們早先關於多巴胺的討論,多巴胺當它非常高的時候,會產生快感和渴望更多的感覺。因此,你也可能會變成一個永遠不滿足的人。多巴胺真正想要的,就是更多能釋放多巴胺的事物。因此,為了讓自己通常成為一個更快樂的人,特別是如果你是一個追求任何類型長期目標的人,延長多巴胺釋放的正面階段是很重要的。你越能夠遏制對此的痛苦反應,就越好。實際上,你可以認知地做到這一點。我以前常常和我的實驗室開玩笑,當我們發表一篇論文時,我會變得非常興奮,但我不會允許自己過於興奮。我想做的,現在仍然在嘗試的,是盡量延長那種正面經歷的弧度。僅僅通過回想,比如“哦,那真的很酷。”我真的很享受那項工作。我真的很享受那次發現。我真的很享受與當時的同事一起工作,這真是種快樂。因此,你可以不必不斷重複行為來延長快樂。這就是延長多巴胺釋放的過程。同時,也減輕了未能不斷重複那種經歷所帶來的痛苦。對於那些高效能的人來說,你們大概很熟悉這一點。許多在重要成就獲得之後,第一個想到的就是,“好吧,現在該怎麼辦?我接下來要做什麼?我怎麼能超越這個?”事實上,許多在多巴胺感受和新奇追求指標上非常高的人,往往會容易成癮。他們會瘋狂追求外在的目標,忽視讓他們感到平靜和快樂的內在機制。因此,對於那些非常上進、動力十足的人而言,培養在此刻參與的習慣,正如我們之前談論過的杏仁型練習,學會如何通過我在以前的播客中提到的工具和機制,規律地獲得良好的睡眠,能夠給我們的快樂追求和減輕痛苦帶來平衡。因此,快樂其實有兩個方面。一方面是追求中的喜悅,另一方面則是擁有所擁有之物的喜悅。值得注意的是,你可以用一種方式來調節整個系統,讓你傾向於對生活中更多正面事物的期待,而不是失望。這無非是調整我們所謂的多巴胺時間表。我想暫時休息一下,感謝我們的贊助商Element。Element是一種電解質飲品,含有你所需要的一切,而沒有你不需要的成分。這意味著電解質、鈉、鎂和鉀以正確的比例存在,但不含糖。我們都應該知道,適當的水合作用對於最佳的腦部和身體功能至關重要。事實上,即使是輕微的脫水也會在相當程度上降低你的認知和身體表現。重要的是,不僅要保持水分,還要獲得足夠的電解質,並且比例正確。飲用一包Element溶於水中會讓你很方便地確保獲得足夠的水分和電解質。為了確保我同時獲得適量的水和電解質,早上起床時我會將一包Element溶解在約16到32盎司的水中,然後基本上是早上第一件事就喝下這些。無論進行任何形式的體育運動,特別是在炎熱那天出汗多、失去水分和電解質時,我也會喝一包溶於水中的Element。Element有許多不同口味,味道都很好。我喜歡西瓜味,喜歡覆盆子味,喜歡柑橘味,基本上我喜歡所有的口味。想了解Element的話,可以訪問drinkelement.com/huberman,通過購買任何Element飲料配方來索取Element樣品包。再次提醒,drink element的拼寫是L-M-N-T,所以是drinkelement.com/huberman來索取免費樣品包。為了了解如何控制多巴胺系統,如何利用它來獲得更好的生活,你需要理解一個非常重要的實驗的結果。這個實驗能夠將快樂與動力分開。這是一個非常簡單的實驗,但就像許多簡單的實驗一樣,它非常優雅。他們做的是,這個實驗已經在動物和人類身上進行過,他們給老鼠提供食物。這是牠們特別喜歡的食物,老鼠會按槓桿來獲得一顆食物,這是一個經典的實驗,他們會吃下食物,並且他們可能會因為有所動力去按槓桿而喜歡這種食物,這很好。他們將其他老鼠的多巴胺神經元移除。
    您可以通過注射一種神經毒素來摧毀這些神經元,因此它們的腦中實際上沒有多巴胺,它們無法釋放多巴胺。在實驗中,牠們有一個杠杆,當老鼠坐在那裡按下杠杆後,牠們會吃食物。牠們仍然享受食物。您可能會說,好吧,那麼多巴胺並不參與動機,也不參與快樂。其實不是,它絕對是有關的。牠們仍然可以享受食物,但如果把老鼠移動到距離杠杆一個身體長度的地方,研究人員發現擁有多巴胺的動物會移動到杠杆旁,按下杠杆然後吃東西,而那些沒有多巴胺的老鼠甚至不會移動一個身體長度,去達到杠杆以按下來獲得食物。因此,多巴胺並不是關於獲得快樂的能力,而是關於獲得快樂的動機。很多人可能在想,哇,我不是一個很有動力的人,就像你之前談到的那種拖延症,那麼如果我對生活感到有些無所謂呢?對於你們中的某些人,或許存在真正的臨床抑鬱,您應該諮詢專業人士。有很好的處方藥物真的可以幫助到人們。此外,還有很棒的非藥物治療方法,包括心理治療和其他正在開發的療法。除了心理治療和各種心理分析方法之外,還有許多可以使用的選擇。我認為數據確實指向一個事實,即藥物學和談話療法的結合通常是最好的。而且這些療法的範圍很廣。我知道你們中有很多人從事這些職業,所以我們現在不打算談論這個。在補充劑領域中有一種有趣的化合物,它不是乾豆酰胺(Macuna Purines al-dopa),也不是酪氨酸(Altyrosine),它並不促進大規模釋放多巴胺,甚至不是單獨的多巴胺,而是一種多巴胺和血清素的組合,這是一種引人入勝的分子。它是非處方藥買到的。再次提醒,在服用或停止任何東西之前,必須與您的醫療提供者確認,這非常重要。但是它是苯乙胺(Phenyl ethyl amine,簡稱PEA),PEA或β-苯乙胺會在低水平釋放多巴胺,同時也在低水平釋放血清素。它是一種動機分子與所謂的「此刻」分子的雞尾酒。人們對此的反應差異很大,但許多人報告感到精神敏銳度提高、幸福感等。這有點像興奮劑,因為任何促進多巴胺和去甲腎上腺素途徑的激活物,但它是一種有趣的補充劑。現在讓我們談談什麼是多巴胺時間表,您如何利用這一點來提高動機水平,但又不會讓多巴胺水平飆升到您在之後感受到崩潰的程度,也能讓您在生活中從各種追求中體驗到更高的快樂。這裡是關鍵原則。多巴胺是非常主觀的,這意味著您可以讓自己體驗到達成里程碑或滿足某些渴望所帶來的快樂,或者不享受。這其實是非常有力量的。可以用主觀系統做些什麼,事實上,我會描述一個實驗,突顯了主觀讀數或主觀解釋特定經歷的強大程度,即使在藥理學層面上也是如此。這個實驗的標題是「對興奮劑類型的期望改變咖啡因對情緒和認知的影響」。這項研究是在大學生中進行的,令人著迷。他們讓大學生接受安慰劑,基本上什麼都沒有,或200毫克的咖啡因。100毫克咖啡因大約是您購買的中杯滴漏咖啡中的含量。因此,他們選取了65名大學本科生。將他們隨機分配到安慰劑或咖啡因組,告訴他們他們正在接受咖啡因或阿莫達非尼(Adderall)。阿莫達非尼對認知的期望與咖啡因是非常不同的。這些學生知道阿莫達非尼是一種比咖啡因強很多的興奮劑。他們知道,這會使他們感到某種高亢。學生們是這樣描述的,他們認為這會提高他們的專注力和工作能力。因此,還真的有安慰劑與咖啡因的效果,這並不令人驚訝;對吧?您服用安慰劑,您可能會或不會感到更加清醒,但如果您服用了200毫克咖啡因,您很可能會感到清醒得多。但學生們是否以為自己正在接受咖啡因或阿莫達非尼也有影響。接受咖啡因的受試者報告感到比接受安慰劑的受試者更振奮、焦慮和有動力。可是那些預期會得到阿莫達非尼的受試者報告了更強的安非他命作用。他們在工作記憶測試中表現更好。一般來說,他們所獲得的所有認知提升效果都具有阿莫達非尼的特徵,但他們所攝入的僅僅是咖啡因。因此,僅僅是因為學生們認為他們正在服用阿莫達非尼,便提升了這一表現。這非常重要,因為這突顯了高層次的認知過程實際上影響甚至是最基本的多巴胺釋放或腎上腺素釋放的層面,並可能對表現產生積極的影響。在這種情況下,工作記憶和專注力有明顯的提升。所以今天我們討論了很多關於多巴胺系統以及那些可以促使渴望或成癮的時間表。
    多巴胺的安排是什麼,能讓你在追求快樂和消除痛苦的過程中最大化效益?我們的好朋友——賭博,就是答案所在。賭博之所以有效,是因為人們會不惜一切代價去追尋,甚至抛棄他們的生活。人們一次又一次地回到拉斯維加斯和亞特蘭大等地的原因,就是因為那份希望和期待。這些城市和地方建立在多巴胺之上,利用了你的多巴胺系統。
    正如我一位認證的成癮治療專家朋友所說,賭博成癮特別邪惡,因為下次真的可能是改變一切的時刻。就像其他成癮一樣,下一次可能會改變一切,而這種想法深植於賭博成癮者的心中,結果通常不會對賭博成癮者及其家庭的福祉有利。
    然而,間歇性增強的排程早在很久之前就被科學研究者發現了。這是比賽機,偶爾給你一些勝利以保持你繼續玩下去的心情。這是擲骰子桌、輪盤桌或二十一點的贏取概率,恰好足夠讓你願意購買票、出門、再次玩耍,甚至在你發誓今晚不再玩時,仍然從房間走下去。間歇性增強是保持你持續做某事的最強大形式的多巴胺獎勵排程。
    因此,我們可以將這一點擴展,應用於積極的方向。如果你追求某些事物,不論是學業成就、財務目標還是人際關係目標,你可以採取的一個措施,就是偶爾主觀地移除獎勵,確保你能夠長時間保持在通往該目標的道路上,並在達到你想要實現的里程碑時繼續享受多巴胺的釋放。
    假設你設定了一個目標,為了簡化起見,我將財務方面的目標量化,但這也可以適用於體育、學校、音樂或任何創意工作。假設你設置了一個特定的財務目標,或者你想在某個社交媒體平台上獲得一定數量的追隨者。當你達到每一個目標時,你應當知道,多巴胺的釋放不僅不會到達頂峰,實際上還會減少,讓你渴望更多。
    避免這種崩潰的關鍵是,雖然你在不斷向目標攀登,但在一些中間目標上,實際上你想要減少獎勵反應。現在我不是告訴你不要慶祝你的勝利,而是告訴你不要慶祝每一個勝利。或者就像我一位最近非常成功的朋友,他問我和另一位對多巴胺獎勵排程非常敏感的朋友,他說:「我不知道下一步該怎麼做。」我們回答:「哦,這很簡單,你應該把大部分錢都捐出去。」這並不是為了我們自己的利益,而是實際上是為了減少那個獎勵的影響。
    現在,希望捐款對他來說是有價值的,前提是如果他已經有足夠的錢。但是如果你是一名追求大學目標的學生,或者是一名追求目標的運動員,從理性的角度來看,明白這些機制後,達到新的最佳表現或獲得A+,或者對你來說是A-等等,然後告訴自己:「好吧,這不錯。」但實際上要主動減少獎勵,不要慶祝過於強烈。因為這樣做,你就能保持多巴胺系統的平衡,確保你會繼續朝著追求的道路前行,不僅僅是為了某一樣東西,而是為了所有東西。多巴胺的大幅增加會導致多巴胺的大幅崩潰,而多巴胺的大幅增加同時也提升了風險。
    所以,你可以學習拉斯維加斯、亞特蘭大及其他賭博場所所知道的。它們從科學家那裡學到的,你現在可以把它奪回來,開始利用它,只需做到間歇就好。你不需要按固定的日程給自己獎勵,不是每次或者每三次、每十次,而是有時候連續三次,然後可能十天都不給獎勵。因此,獎勵是重要的,自我獎勵是至關重要的,但要確保你不以如此可預測的日程進行,以免耗盡多巴胺回路或者削弱你自身的努力和成就能力。
    希望你現在對多巴胺系統、獎勵和動機的了解遠遠超過這個播客開始的時候。你也理解了多巴胺和獎勵的另一面,即疼痛,以及這種快樂與痛苦系統的平衡,以及我們所稱或在《更多的分子》一書中描述的分子,應該說是此時此刻的分子,如血清素和內源性大麻素。
    最後,感謝你今天的時間與注意力。我希望你學到了很多,也學到了許多可以融入你生活中與動機和情感有關的工具。謝謝你對科學的興趣。

    In this Huberman Lab Essentials episode, I explain the biological mechanism behind motivation and drive, as well as discuss practical tools for overcoming procrastination. 

    I discuss the key role dopamine plays in driving cravings and motivating action. I explain how dopamine regulates the balance between pleasure and pain, and what happens when this system becomes dysregulated, leading to addiction. I discuss the role of molecules like serotonin, which help enhance the enjoyment of the present, and explain how to balance the drive for more while staying focused in the present. I also discuss the causes of procrastination and describe strategies to boost dopamine levels through behavioral approaches or supplements. 

    Huberman Lab Essentials are short episodes (approximately 30 minutes) focused on essential science and protocol takeaways from past Huberman Lab episodes. Essentials will be released every Thursday, and our full-length episodes will still be released every Monday.

    Read the full episode show notes at hubermanlab.com.

    Thank you to our sponsors

    AG1: https://drinkag1.com/huberman

    Eight Sleep: https://eightsleep.com/huberman

    Mateina: https://drinkmateina.com/huberman

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    Timestamps

    00:00:00 Huberman Lab Essentials; Motivation

    00:01:57 Dopamine & Brain 

    00:04:08 Anticipation, Craving & Dopamine

    00:05:37 Sponsor: AG1

    00:06:46 Food, Drugs & Dopamine Release

    00:10:18 Addiction, Pleasure & Pain Balance

    00:14:12 Sponsors: Eight Sleep & Mateina

    00:17:14 Dopamine, Pain, Yearning

    00:19:08 “Here and Now” Molecules, Serotonin, Endocannabinoids, Tool: Mindfulness

    00:22:42 Procrastination; Tool: Extend Dopamine, Offset Pain

    00:26:15 Sponsor: LMNT

    00:27:31 Dopamine & Motivation; Increasing Dopamine, Phenethylamine (PEA)

    00:30:58 Dopamine Schedule, Subjectivity

    00:33:59 Gambling, Intermittent Reinforcement, Tool: Blunting Rewards

    00:38:51 Recap & Key Takeaway

    Disclaimer & Disclosures

  • A Transformative Guide to Design Your Dream Life — with Sahil Bloom

    AI transcript
    0:00:03 Support for Prop G comes from Crescent Family Office.
    0:00:05 As an entrepreneur, you spend a lot of time
    0:00:06 in energy building your business.
    0:00:08 And chances are, you’ve been so busy,
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    0:00:29 by scheduling a call with a Crescent founder
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    0:00:41 (upbeat music)
    0:00:44 – Nice.
    0:00:46 – Support for the show comes from Nerd Wallet.
    0:00:48 When it comes to finding the best financial products,
    0:00:49 have you ever wished someone would do
    0:00:51 the heavy lifting for you?
    0:00:53 Take all that research off your plate?
    0:00:56 Well, with Nerd Wallet’s 2025 Best of Award,
    0:00:58 that wishes come true.
    0:00:59 The nerds at Nerd Wallet are on it.
    0:01:02 They have already reviewed more than 1,100 financial products
    0:01:05 like credit cards, savings accounts, and more
    0:01:08 in order to highlight and bring you the best of the best.
    0:01:11 Check out the 2025 Best of Awards today
    0:01:13 at nerdwallet.com/awards.
    0:01:18 – Hey, what you doing?
    0:01:21 – Programming our thermostat to 17 degrees
    0:01:23 when we’re out at work or asleep.
    0:01:25 We’re taking control of our energy use this winter
    0:01:28 with some easy energy saving tips I got from Fortis BC.
    0:01:31 – Ooh, conserve energy and save money?
    0:01:33 Maybe to buy those matching winter jackets?
    0:01:34 – Uh, no.
    0:01:36 We’re also getting that whole matching outfit thing
    0:01:37 under control.
    0:01:40 – Discover low and no cost energy saving tips
    0:01:43 at fortisbc.com/energysavingtips.
    0:01:45 – Matching track suits?
    0:01:46 – Please know.
    0:01:50 – Episode 334, 334 is the area code
    0:01:52 covering Southeast in Alabama in 1934.
    0:01:55 Alcatraz opened as a federal prison.
    0:01:57 True story, I have a friend who has sex
    0:01:59 three to four times a week, works out every day
    0:02:03 and reads at least two books a week.
    0:02:05 And all this guy ever does is bitch about prison.
    0:02:09 – Go, go, go!
    0:02:12 (upbeat music)
    0:02:21 – Welcome to the 334th episode of “The Prodigy Pod.”
    0:02:22 What’s happening?
    0:02:26 The dog is back in the incredible city of London.
    0:02:29 That’s right, where the sun has decided to go on vacation.
    0:02:31 The sun has decided to take a fall, winter,
    0:02:33 and I would imagine spring off.
    0:02:35 I did have a wonderful weekend.
    0:02:37 Let’s bring this back to me.
    0:02:39 What are the wonderful things about London?
    0:02:41 One, it’s a great city.
    0:02:44 Two, Premier League football, maybe that’s number one.
    0:02:47 Three, probably first and foremost,
    0:02:48 that’s actually a broad one,
    0:02:50 is proximity to the continent.
    0:02:52 So what did I do with my 14-year-old this weekend?
    0:02:55 We went to Pancras, St. Pancras train station,
    0:02:57 which is literally 10 minutes from my house.
    0:03:00 Got on the Eurostar, which is lovely, which is lovely.
    0:03:04 And I mean, zoomed at like 330 kilometers per hour.
    0:03:06 I love public infrastructure.
    0:03:08 I say raise taxes and just build shit
    0:03:09 that the public can use.
    0:03:13 Gerdynord, two hours and 21 minutes later,
    0:03:16 and then boom, in our hotel, we went to the Notre Dame.
    0:03:21 Jesus Christ, I believe that God hangs out there now.
    0:03:23 Oh my God, oh my God,
    0:03:27 we’re sitting in line for 70 minutes
    0:03:29 with every tourist from everywhere, including myself.
    0:03:32 Wow, wow, no truck to the Dom.
    0:03:36 Jesus Christ, seriously, but more importantly,
    0:03:39 stayed at a beautiful hotel, went to the pool with my son,
    0:03:41 because when you have a son, you always gotta go to the pool.
    0:03:43 You always gotta go to the pool, full stop.
    0:03:44 Gotta check out the pool.
    0:03:46 That’s how we evaluate hotels is by the pool.
    0:03:48 Then we went upstairs to this fancy Tony restaurant
    0:03:52 and had light apps, which was delightful.
    0:03:53 And then the highlight of the trip,
    0:03:58 we went to the PSG game, 20 minutes to the stadium, boom.
    0:03:59 Harking wasn’t that bad.
    0:04:01 Into the stadium, amazing fans.
    0:04:04 We saw them, Ty Renz, great game, fantastic fans.
    0:04:07 It was raining, but the stadium is designed really well,
    0:04:08 so we didn’t get rained on.
    0:04:12 And then boom, back to the hotel in just like 22 minutes.
    0:04:15 What a wonderful, wonderful city.
    0:04:18 Anyways, that’s what I’m doing.
    0:04:20 Today, we speak with Sahil Bloom,
    0:04:22 an investor, entrepreneur, and writer
    0:04:25 known for his newsletter, The Curiosity Chronicle.
    0:04:27 That’s kind of an interesting name, The Curiosity Chronicle.
    0:04:29 That sounds like it’s being on PBS.
    0:04:31 We discussed with Sahil his latest book,
    0:04:32 “The Five Types of Wealth,
    0:04:35 “A Transformative Guide to Design Your Dream Life.”
    0:04:39 Okay, moving on to a shakeup in the AI world.
    0:04:41 Oh my God, what are we gonna talk about?
    0:04:44 This is kind of the business story of the week.
    0:04:47 DeepSeq, a Chinese startup that’s just over a year old,
    0:04:49 sent shockwaves to the global tech markets
    0:04:52 in an AI model that’s as powerful
    0:04:55 as OpenAI’s ChatGPT or Google’s Gemini,
    0:04:57 but it was built with just a fraction
    0:04:59 of the usual resources.
    0:05:03 DeepSeq R1 was trained using just 2,000 NVIDIA chips
    0:05:05 and 6 million in computing power.
    0:05:07 That’s about 10 times less
    0:05:10 than what Meta spent on building its latest AI technology.
    0:05:12 Why does this matter?
    0:05:14 This signals a major shift,
    0:05:16 maybe even a paradigm shift in AI development.
    0:05:21 Less money and fewer chips equals more players, right?
    0:05:23 The market essentially has been rewarding
    0:05:26 investment over innovation.
    0:05:28 And the small number of players have been running away
    0:05:30 with it, specifically the ones that have the capital
    0:05:33 to deploy basically the defense budget of China,
    0:05:35 which is the capital on their balance sheets
    0:05:36 and how much they are spending
    0:05:41 on developing these data centers, buying NVIDIA GPUs.
    0:05:43 I mean, just this staggering investment here
    0:05:46 and then all of a sudden comes this innovation
    0:05:47 where the chips are speaking to each other
    0:05:51 in a more efficient way, as opposed to traditional models
    0:05:54 that had to be trained in a house where all appliances
    0:05:56 and all lights were on at the same time.
    0:05:58 This just said, we figured out a way
    0:06:00 that you only have to have the lights on in the room you’re in
    0:06:04 and is consuming a fraction of the processing power
    0:06:06 and the energy of you will.
    0:06:09 DeepSeq just proved it’s no longer a game dominated
    0:06:10 by US tech giants.
    0:06:14 And this is essentially the market has said, again,
    0:06:18 maybe we overestimated investment versus innovation,
    0:06:19 but there’s more to the story.
    0:06:23 DeepSeq didn’t just develop this tech, they open sourced it.
    0:06:25 That means they shared the underlying code
    0:06:27 for others to build on.
    0:06:29 – Well, open sourced AI accelerates innovation.
    0:06:31 It does come with serious risks.
    0:06:33 Many experts argue that US companies
    0:06:35 shouldn’t open source their technologies
    0:06:37 because they could be exploited to spread disinformation
    0:06:39 or even create autonomous weapons.
    0:06:41 This is essentially given the Chinese
    0:06:43 that you could argue sort of open source,
    0:06:46 the opportunity to catch up and even blow by this.
    0:06:50 And this has so many kind of second order effects.
    0:06:54 First off, not only did chip stocks fall
    0:06:56 or the AI stocks fall, and we’ll talk more about that,
    0:06:59 but the second order effects was that there had been
    0:07:02 an equally vicious run up of energy stocks
    0:07:04 because the choking point in what we thought
    0:07:08 was gonna be an energy hungry AI world.
    0:07:09 You saw constellation energy,
    0:07:11 you saw all these energy stocks skyrocket,
    0:07:14 they had a significant drawdown
    0:07:17 because maybe energy isn’t going to be as scarce
    0:07:19 as we had originally thought
    0:07:24 because of the fact that AI may not be quite as power hungry
    0:07:25 as we’d originally anticipated.
    0:07:27 This is really shaking up global markets.
    0:07:29 I wouldn’t say investors are panicking,
    0:07:30 but there’s definitely been a drawdown.
    0:07:33 Nvidia shares plummeted 17% on Monday
    0:07:35 after DeepSeq debuted its AI system,
    0:07:38 wiping out, get the 600 billion in market value.
    0:07:40 This marked Nvidia’s worst trading day
    0:07:42 since the pandemic crash in 2020.
    0:07:45 Now, having said that, we’ve got some context here,
    0:07:46 that takes them all the way back
    0:07:49 to where the stock was in October.
    0:07:50 And when stocks run up like this,
    0:07:52 it is like a balloon inflating.
    0:07:56 And if it becomes more and more inflated/overinflated,
    0:07:58 the smallest scratch can pop the balloon.
    0:08:01 And I think that in addition to this news,
    0:08:04 it’s likely that these stocks had such incredible run ups
    0:08:06 that the market was looking for kind of any excuse
    0:08:10 or any slight brush of the balloon to pop, if you will.
    0:08:12 But still, this gives you a sense also
    0:08:14 of how scary it is that markets is concentrated
    0:08:16 because at 600 billion dollars,
    0:08:19 you have essentially wiped out
    0:08:20 the value of a smaller stock market.
    0:08:21 I mean, that’s the value
    0:08:24 of the entire global auto industry, Sons Tesla.
    0:08:26 And this is what happens when markets are allowed
    0:08:28 to get too concentrated.
    0:08:30 The other second order effect, I find fascinating.
    0:08:31 It’s on fascinado, okay?
    0:08:33 What’s French and fast?
    0:08:34 What’s fascinating in French?
    0:08:36 I don’t know.
    0:08:40 But anyways, effectively you have this argument
    0:08:43 for global trade and that is what would have happened
    0:08:46 if we had continued to ship Nvidia chips to China?
    0:08:48 Would they have been as motivated
    0:08:50 to figure out a work around here
    0:08:53 that would have resulted in what is probably,
    0:08:57 I mean, this is just, I’m blown away, I’m blown away.
    0:09:00 But at the same time, this kind of is following
    0:09:02 where most markets evolved to.
    0:09:03 And that is eventually over time,
    0:09:05 everything goes Android and iOS.
    0:09:06 What do I mean by that?
    0:09:07 Scott, what do you mean by that?
    0:09:08 What’s going on?
    0:09:10 You’re on a train, you’re in the channel,
    0:09:14 you’re underneath water, you’re going 320 kilometers per hour.
    0:09:15 It’s time to put on your thinking cap.
    0:09:17 You got peace, do some deep breathing
    0:09:20 and then really bring us some blue flame clarity here.
    0:09:23 Essentially, every market bifurcates
    0:09:25 into Walmart or Tiffany.
    0:09:28 And that is, as a species, the easiest way
    0:09:30 to process information is zeros and ones.
    0:09:33 And we’ve essentially based all innovation
    0:09:35 or computing on binary code, zero and one.
    0:09:36 Why?
    0:09:37 It is easy to understand yes and no.
    0:09:39 It’s easy to understand, I’m interested in you,
    0:09:42 I’m not interested in you, I’m friend, I’m foe, right?
    0:09:44 So we distill everything down
    0:09:46 to a basic binary decision framework.
    0:09:49 That is the fastest way to make decisions.
    0:09:52 It is the fastest way to process information.
    0:09:55 So the entire consumer world bifurcates
    0:09:57 into a binary set of decisions.
    0:10:00 Do I want the most stuff at the lowest price?
    0:10:01 Okay, that’s Amazon.
    0:10:03 Okay, that’s Walmart.
    0:10:04 Okay, that’s Costco.
    0:10:07 Do I want something more artisanal, that’s special,
    0:10:10 that has self-expressive benefit that makes me feel
    0:10:12 as if I’m in the company of God?
    0:10:15 By the way, the reason why we buy luxury goods
    0:10:17 is one, it makes us more attractive to potential mates.
    0:10:19 When I have a Porsche, it says I’m a baller,
    0:10:21 when I’m a member of Maison Estelle
    0:10:23 or the new Crane Club or Shea Margo.
    0:10:24 I just went there last week.
    0:10:27 Oh my God, talk about a lot of hot people.
    0:10:30 Jesus Christ, I mean, come on.
    0:10:31 Where do those people come up?
    0:10:33 They’re like those warlocks or whatever they are.
    0:10:34 Where do they come from?
    0:10:36 Do they just descend from the ground at like 9 p.m.
    0:10:38 and go to these members only clubs in New York?
    0:10:40 Anyway, zero and one, right?
    0:10:43 The one, the artisanal stuff, self-expressive benefit
    0:10:46 and two, and two, making more attractive to mates,
    0:10:48 makes you feel closer to God.
    0:10:49 The message about taking a Veneta bag,
    0:10:51 the slope on the back of a Range Rover
    0:10:53 makes you feel like it steals you
    0:10:54 in the presence of something.
    0:10:55 Why do we do that?
    0:10:59 Why do we slow down and find inspiration and spirituality
    0:11:01 as if we’re closer to God?
    0:11:04 It’s because the majority of the great artisanal work
    0:11:05 throughout history has been sequestered
    0:11:07 to mosque, temples, and churches.
    0:11:08 When you go into St. Peter’s Cathedral,
    0:11:10 you’re like, oh my God, do you see the pieta?
    0:11:11 Is that what it’s called?
    0:11:14 You think Jesus Christ, maybe God does hang out here,
    0:11:16 or God, maybe Jesus Christ does hang out here.
    0:11:17 Maybe they’re both together.
    0:11:19 Maybe it’s a father-son basketball tournament,
    0:11:22 by the way, by far, the best moment I’ve ever had.
    0:11:22 Ever had?
    0:11:23 One of the top moments I’ve ever had
    0:11:27 was father-son basketball game, eighth grade, golf stream.
    0:11:31 Daddy had practiced in the backyard with his son, boom,
    0:11:34 steals the ball, break away, dish off to his son,
    0:11:36 three, two, one, scores the layup.
    0:11:39 Eighth grade wins, hello!
    0:11:43 My son has never been less embarrassed of me in his life.
    0:11:46 Anyway, back to me.
    0:11:49 You have churches and mosques where we got used to seeing
    0:11:51 these incredible works of artisanship,
    0:11:53 such that when we see these really beautiful things,
    0:11:55 it does still us, it makes us feel more spiritual,
    0:11:57 it makes us feel maybe this is all worthwhile,
    0:11:59 or maybe there’s some, maybe I’m gonna go hang out
    0:12:02 with my parents and my old dog or something like that.
    0:12:06 But this is the one, that’s the one,
    0:12:07 the zero is the low cost.
    0:12:09 Everything is bifurcating the zero one.
    0:12:11 Now, the question is, I would offer,
    0:12:13 I would posit, I would argue, is the following?
    0:12:15 Is AI going the same way of all retail
    0:12:16 and all consumer markets?
    0:12:18 Are we going to have a zero layer,
    0:12:21 super inexpensive, open source, built on things?
    0:12:24 And then are we gonna have the Tiffany and the artisanship?
    0:12:27 And that is companies will still spend a great deal of money
    0:12:31 on a massive amount of compute, super sophisticated LLMs
    0:12:35 that do more sophisticated, artisanal, difficult work,
    0:12:37 in that we’re essentially going where every market is going,
    0:12:40 and that is we’re going Android and get a free phone
    0:12:43 with a great operating system for free, essentially,
    0:12:47 if you go Android or iOS, where the cost of a phone
    0:12:51 will command three months average salary of a Hungarian.
    0:12:55 So I don’t know if this is the end of kind of AI
    0:12:57 as we know it, or these companies.
    0:12:59 There is a risk here, and that is when you have
    0:13:04 the magnificent 10 representing 27% of the S&P,
    0:13:07 and now the S&P or the US market represents 50%
    0:13:10 of global value, of 13% of the global economy
    0:13:12 kind of wrapped up, or at least led by
    0:13:14 a small number of companies.
    0:13:16 And if one sneezes, the entire fucking thing
    0:13:18 might catch a cold, and that is the world might,
    0:13:21 or the world economy might get pneumonia
    0:13:23 if there’s a serious drawdown in these stocks.
    0:13:25 I also think it reflects some of our arrogance
    0:13:27 that people like me about out there saying,
    0:13:29 we’re all AI, who’s doing anything important around AI,
    0:13:32 and China said, I know, China’s core competence,
    0:13:35 they’re exercising here, China’s core competence,
    0:13:38 supply chain, and number two, IP theft.
    0:13:42 They basically steal the plans of the IP
    0:13:45 and the architectural plans of a cell tower from Siemens,
    0:13:48 and instead of building it for $200,000,
    0:13:50 they offer it for $40,000.
    0:13:52 The majority of people think espionage
    0:13:54 is some good looking guy killing another agent
    0:13:56 and then banging the foreign agent or the double agent
    0:13:58 and then rolling around in an Austin Martin.
    0:13:59 No, that’s not espionage.
    0:14:01 Espionage is the following.
    0:14:04 It’s an overweight guy who’s the personal assistant
    0:14:08 to some attache or some senior executive at Google
    0:14:11 who gets proprietary information on their new LLM
    0:14:14 or their new search algorithm, puts it on a thumb drive,
    0:14:16 and then gives it to his handler,
    0:14:18 and then they ship it to Beijing.
    0:14:19 The majority of espionage right now
    0:14:22 isn’t about killing spies or state secrets,
    0:14:23 it’s about corporate espionage.
    0:14:25 This is economic warfare.
    0:14:27 Think about how few wars are really when you think about it
    0:14:30 relative to the economic warfare that takes place every day.
    0:14:35 So number one, confidence of China is in fact supply chain.
    0:14:38 Number two is IP theft or specifically espionage.
    0:14:40 By the way, that’s not unusual.
    0:14:42 If you wanna grow your economy faster than 5% a year,
    0:14:43 you have to engage in massive theft,
    0:14:45 which is what we did during the 19th century
    0:14:49 when we stole European textile and manufacturing technology
    0:14:53 and littered the Eastern seaboard with these factories
    0:14:56 where we could take advantage of our abundant resources.
    0:14:58 We even kidnapped artisans
    0:14:59 and people could operate this machinery.
    0:15:01 So IP theft is not unique to China,
    0:15:02 they’re just doing it better than us
    0:15:03 and we’re pissed off about it.
    0:15:06 And this is kind of the ultimate example, right?
    0:15:08 They took our open source, they sort of borrowed it,
    0:15:11 so it’s not really theft, call it IP leasing.
    0:15:14 And they said, I know we can come up with more for less.
    0:15:16 We did work around not because you wouldn’t ship us
    0:15:18 those fancy American ships,
    0:15:20 and we have figured out potentially a way
    0:15:22 to have the Walmart of AI.
    0:15:25 This will rock the markets, but I would argue,
    0:15:27 I would argue this is a natural evolution
    0:15:30 where we’re bifurcating into zeros and ones
    0:15:31 where Walmart and Tiffany.
    0:15:36 We’ll be right back for our conversation with Sahil Bloom.
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    0:18:03 – Welcome back, here’s our conversation
    0:18:05 with Sahil Bloom, an investor, entrepreneur and writer
    0:18:08 known for his newsletter, The Curiosity Chronicle.
    0:18:12 – Sahil, where does this podcast find you?
    0:18:14 – I’m in Westchester, New York,
    0:18:15 just outside New York City.
    0:18:16 – Nice.
    0:18:19 So in your debut book titled The Five Types of Wealth,
    0:18:22 a transformative guide to design your dream life,
    0:18:23 you write about five types of wealth.
    0:18:25 Time wealth, social wealth, mental wealth,
    0:18:28 physical wealth and financial wealth.
    0:18:30 Can you break these down for us?
    0:18:31 – Absolutely.
    0:18:34 Time wealth is all about freedom to choose.
    0:18:36 How you spend your time, who you spend it with,
    0:18:39 where you spend it, when you trade it for other things.
    0:18:41 It’s fundamentally about an awareness
    0:18:44 of the precious nature of time,
    0:18:47 of time as your most precious asset.
    0:18:49 Social wealth is all about your relationships.
    0:18:51 These are the people that you love,
    0:18:53 the depth of a few close relationships
    0:18:55 and then the breath, the connection to something
    0:18:57 bigger than yourself.
    0:19:00 Mental wealth is about purpose, it’s about growth,
    0:19:03 it’s about creating the space necessary in your life
    0:19:05 to engage and wrestle with some of those
    0:19:08 bigger unanswerable questions in the world,
    0:19:10 whether through religion, solitude,
    0:19:12 spirituality, meditation.
    0:19:17 Physical wealth is about taking the controllable actions
    0:19:19 on a daily basis to fight the natural decay
    0:19:22 and atrophy that your body goes through with aging.
    0:19:24 It’s all about your health and vitality.
    0:19:27 And then financial wealth, as I talk about it,
    0:19:30 is what you think of, net worth, money.
    0:19:33 But with the specific nuance of really focusing in
    0:19:35 on your definition of enough,
    0:19:37 what it means to have enough,
    0:19:39 to wrestle with the idea that your expectations
    0:19:42 are really your single greatest financial liability.
    0:19:45 If your expectations rise faster than your assets,
    0:19:47 you will never feel wealthy.
    0:19:49 – You talk about this term,
    0:19:52 or you use the term arrival fallacy.
    0:19:54 Why is it important for everyone to understand
    0:19:55 and what is it?
    0:20:00 – The arrival fallacy is this common psychological phenomenon
    0:20:03 that we’ve all experienced in one form or another in our life.
    0:20:07 It is the idea that we prop up these specific achievements,
    0:20:10 goals, or destinations as the point
    0:20:12 when we will feel we have arrived.
    0:20:14 It could be the promotion, it could be the title,
    0:20:18 it could be the bonus, the pay raise, whatever the thing is,
    0:20:21 we tell ourselves that once we get to X,
    0:20:23 we are going to feel that feeling of happiness
    0:20:24 and contentment that will be durable.
    0:20:28 And unfortunately, it is a fallacy, meaning you get to it,
    0:20:32 you feel that sort of momentary dopamine-infused euphoria,
    0:20:36 and then you immediately reset to some new arrival
    0:20:38 that you need, some new height, some new summit.
    0:20:41 – You also talk a little bit about this term life-raiser,
    0:20:43 what did you mean by that?
    0:20:45 – The idea of a life-raiser is
    0:20:50 to have a single identity-defining statement or rule
    0:20:53 that allows you to literally cut through the noise
    0:20:55 at different points in your life.
    0:20:59 So the term razor broadly used is from philosophy
    0:21:01 and it’s an idea of having a rule of thumb
    0:21:03 that allows you to simplify decision-making.
    0:21:05 Occam’s razor is kind of the most famous one
    0:21:06 that most people know.
    0:21:09 It says that the simplest possible explanation
    0:21:10 is often the best one.
    0:21:14 The idea of a life-raiser is to have a similar simple rule
    0:21:15 that allows you to navigate
    0:21:17 whatever chaos or opportunities come.
    0:21:22 It is a statement, say, a single thing that you could say
    0:21:23 to help you navigate those situations.
    0:21:27 An example would be Mark Randolph, the CEO of Netflix,
    0:21:30 who often talks about the fact that he had a rule
    0:21:34 to never skip a Tuesday dinner with his wife.
    0:21:37 He had a hard rule when he founded Netflix originally.
    0:21:38 He was the first CEO of the company
    0:21:41 that at Tuesday at 5 p.m., no matter what was happening
    0:21:43 at the company, he would leave work
    0:21:45 and go have dinner with his wife.
    0:21:47 And that was an identity-defining rule,
    0:21:50 meaning it had ripple effects into every other area.
    0:21:53 It meant that he created these boundaries in his life,
    0:21:55 that while he was pursuing all these professional aspirations,
    0:21:58 navigating the chaos of founding a technology company,
    0:22:01 he still put his family and his relationships first,
    0:22:03 that empowered other people to do the same.
    0:22:06 It had all these ripple effects in his life.
    0:22:08 And it meant something in terms of
    0:22:10 how his ideal self showed up in the world.
    0:22:12 So having a similar rule like that,
    0:22:14 that is your life-raiser.
    0:22:15 It’s that single point of focus
    0:22:18 that helps you navigate through the chaos in life.
    0:22:19 – It strikes me when we go back
    0:22:22 to the different forms of wealth, time, social,
    0:22:24 mental, physical, and financial,
    0:22:26 that you can’t have it all.
    0:22:29 You can have it all just not at once.
    0:22:31 And that is, I found that my time,
    0:22:35 social, mental, and physical wealth took a backseat
    0:22:37 when I was younger in an attempt
    0:22:39 to establish financial wealth,
    0:22:41 or at least establish the trajectory.
    0:22:44 And then once I achieved financial wealth,
    0:22:46 I was able to go back and work on the previous four.
    0:22:49 So, and I think it’s anyone’s gonna argue with you
    0:22:52 around the different types of wealth as you define them.
    0:22:54 You know, the trick is finding the balance
    0:22:57 and knowing when to trade off one for the other.
    0:22:59 Have you given any thought to the fulcrum
    0:23:01 between the five of these?
    0:23:02 – Absolutely.
    0:23:05 And exactly what you said relates to something
    0:23:07 that I talk about and write about often,
    0:23:10 which is your life has seasons.
    0:23:12 And what you prioritize or focus on
    0:23:14 during any one season will change.
    0:23:18 So your 20s and early 30s are an incredible time
    0:23:20 to focus on building financial wealth
    0:23:21 because we know compounding,
    0:23:23 it’s going to compound for the rest of our journey.
    0:23:25 It’s a great time to focus there.
    0:23:27 That being said, the traditional wisdom
    0:23:28 around these different types of wealth
    0:23:31 is that they exist on these on/off switches
    0:23:34 and that to turn on financial wealth all the way,
    0:23:35 you have to turn off the others.
    0:23:37 And the unfortunate thing with that mindset
    0:23:41 is that a lot of these things will atrophy and die
    0:23:44 if you don’t invest in them at all.
    0:23:45 You know, it’s sort of like thinking about,
    0:23:48 you know, when you look at a chart of compounding,
    0:23:49 yes, you know, 1% per day,
    0:23:51 everyone likes to show that chart,
    0:23:53 gets you to 37X after a year.
    0:23:56 The unfortunate thing is the negative 1% per day,
    0:23:58 which effectively zeros you out after a year.
    0:24:01 And that is really the risk that people run
    0:24:03 by living with that on/off switch mindset.
    0:24:04 And so what I like to do,
    0:24:06 the mindset shift that I talk about in the book
    0:24:09 is these areas all exist on a dimmer switch.
    0:24:11 And just because you have one turned all the way up,
    0:24:14 that might be financial wealth in your 20s and 30s,
    0:24:16 does not mean the other ones should be turned completely off.
    0:24:19 You can still do the tiny little investment
    0:24:22 on a daily basis that compounds positively
    0:24:24 because anything above zero compounds
    0:24:26 in the direction that you’re heading.
    0:24:29 So if you think about it just tactically
    0:24:30 for your relationships as an example,
    0:24:32 even while you’re focusing on your financial wealth
    0:24:34 and on building your career,
    0:24:36 sending the one text to your parents
    0:24:38 to just let them know you were thinking about them,
    0:24:39 making the phone call,
    0:24:40 planning that one extra trip,
    0:24:43 getting together with the old friend for the coffee
    0:24:45 or gathering the group for the one annual trip.
    0:24:48 Those are things that compound positively in that domain
    0:24:49 that don’t take a whole lot of effort.
    0:24:51 The dimmer switch can be turned down
    0:24:54 without it zeroing you out.
    0:24:55 – I really liked that.
    0:24:57 You know, I think about you don’t need
    0:24:58 to call your mom every day.
    0:25:01 I mean, ideally you can and should,
    0:25:03 but if you’re working exceptionally hard,
    0:25:06 if you only have time to call her once a week,
    0:25:07 that one call becomes much more important
    0:25:09 and has a higher ROI.
    0:25:14 I say this because in order to achieve financial security,
    0:25:16 I traded off a lot of those things.
    0:25:20 And I did try to be home for dinner or at least bath time.
    0:25:24 You know, I’m self-conscious which I am,
    0:25:27 but I like the notion that even if you take it down
    0:25:29 to 10 or 20%,
    0:25:33 that is infinitely better than taking it down to zero.
    0:25:37 Any specific thoughts about managing the relationship
    0:25:40 with your partner as you’re trying to kind of not go all
    0:25:44 in, but go mostly in on establishing financial wealth?
    0:25:48 – There are similar principles, I would say,
    0:25:51 to you’re sort of the analog to texting
    0:25:52 or calling your mom once a week
    0:25:55 that you can leverage in your romantic relationship.
    0:25:57 So while you are chasing that purpose
    0:25:58 of building a big company
    0:26:00 or going all in on your financial wealth,
    0:26:02 making sure that you create a regular cadence
    0:26:05 for proper kind of zoom out conversations
    0:26:06 with your partner.
    0:26:08 This entrepreneur named Brad Feld
    0:26:11 had this concept called the life dinner, which I love.
    0:26:15 It’s the idea of doing a once a month regular cadence date
    0:26:16 where you get together
    0:26:19 to actually talk about some of the bigger picture things
    0:26:21 in each of your life’s lives and in your relationship.
    0:26:23 So talk about some of the challenges,
    0:26:24 some of the opportunities,
    0:26:26 the things you’re excited about,
    0:26:27 the things you’re stressed about,
    0:26:29 but create a regular cadence around it.
    0:26:32 Because what happens in life is when things get stressful,
    0:26:33 when you have a young child in the house
    0:26:35 or when you’re chasing some financial goal,
    0:26:37 you forget to do that.
    0:26:38 And so your ongoing communication
    0:26:41 just becomes this sort of two ships in the night,
    0:26:43 little things here and there.
    0:26:44 And you forget to zoom out
    0:26:46 and talk about some of those bigger picture questions
    0:26:51 that actually contribute to true growth in a relationship.
    0:26:53 So I’ve always thought that was a really helpful framing
    0:26:55 for thinking about that.
    0:26:58 – And you talked about,
    0:27:00 when you were talking about social wealth,
    0:27:03 you talked about front row people.
    0:27:05 What was the Harvard study of adult development
    0:27:07 and why do you consider it the most impactful study
    0:27:09 of the last 100 years?
    0:27:10 – The Harvard study of adult development
    0:27:13 is this incredible longitudinal study
    0:27:15 that was conducted over the course of 85 plus years.
    0:27:19 They followed the lives of 1,300 original participants,
    0:27:22 plus another 700 or so direct descendants.
    0:27:24 And what they found was rather remarkable.
    0:27:27 They found that the single greatest predictor
    0:27:29 of physical health at age 80
    0:27:32 was relationship satisfaction at age 50.
    0:27:36 It wasn’t how their cholesterol was, their blood pressure,
    0:27:37 wasn’t their smoking or drinking habits.
    0:27:39 It was how they felt about their relationships
    0:27:42 that contributed to their healthy aging.
    0:27:43 So we know scientifically
    0:27:45 that the strength of our relationships
    0:27:48 actually determines our health and happiness in our life.
    0:27:51 And yet, when you ask people what they’re investing in
    0:27:54 on a daily basis, relationships are one of the first things
    0:27:55 that fall by the wayside.
    0:27:57 We don’t think to invest in relationships
    0:28:00 in the same way that we think to invest in a financial asset.
    0:28:03 We know putting $100 away in the S&P 500
    0:28:05 is gonna compound and grow into our future.
    0:28:07 The exact same principle applies to your relationships
    0:28:10 and you need to have that mindset shift to do it.
    0:28:12 The concept of front row people
    0:28:16 is a sort of visualization and representation of that fact.
    0:28:19 This concept of closing your eyes
    0:28:21 and thinking about at your own funeral,
    0:28:23 who are going to be the people
    0:28:24 that sit down in the front row?
    0:28:26 Who are those people that occupy
    0:28:30 that incredibly special cherished space in your life?
    0:28:33 And are you recognizing those people on a daily basis?
    0:28:35 Are you showing up for them?
    0:28:38 Are you being a front row person to someone else?
    0:28:41 – You also talk about insights that you gathered
    0:28:44 from couples who have been married 40 plus years.
    0:28:46 What are some of those insights?
    0:28:50 – I love talking to older people
    0:28:54 about their kind of wisdom from their lives.
    0:28:56 And the reason I find it so powerful
    0:28:59 is just because they have the earned wisdom
    0:29:00 that none of us have.
    0:29:01 And so I went and talked to couples
    0:29:06 that have been married for 500 total years
    0:29:07 across all of them.
    0:29:10 And a few of the ones that I thought jumped out.
    0:29:13 Number one was never keep score in love.
    0:29:17 Just the idea of in relationships
    0:29:19 living with a quid pro quo mindset
    0:29:21 is a recipe for disaster.
    0:29:24 It’s not always gonna be 50/50 in a relationship.
    0:29:26 Sometimes it’s going to be 90/10.
    0:29:28 Sometimes it’s going to be 10/90.
    0:29:29 But the important thing
    0:29:31 is that it always adds up to 100.
    0:29:33 And then one of the other ones that I absolutely loved
    0:29:36 was just the idea of never involve
    0:29:41 a non-professional third party in your relationship conflicts
    0:29:43 because you will forget about the thing
    0:29:45 but they never will.
    0:29:49 So telling your mother or mother-in-law, sister,
    0:29:51 whoever about the relationship conflict
    0:29:53 that you were having is often a recipe
    0:29:54 for struggle down the line
    0:29:56 because you will hear about it from them a year or two later
    0:29:59 even once you’ve completely moved past the thing.
    0:30:02 We’ll be right back.
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    0:32:14 (upbeat music)
    0:32:22 – What has earned status and how is it different
    0:32:25 from sort of the more traditional views on status?
    0:32:26 – Status is an interesting topic
    0:32:31 because it’s very easy to demonize.
    0:32:34 And at the end of the day, we are status seeking creatures
    0:32:35 and there’s actually nothing wrong with that.
    0:32:39 Status is a very smart way of organizing as a society.
    0:32:41 And frankly, it has helped us in many ways as humans
    0:32:43 to navigate all of the changes
    0:32:46 that we’ve endured over the thousands of years.
    0:32:48 The point though is you wanna chase
    0:32:51 and play the right kind of status games.
    0:32:54 The way that we typically think of accumulating status,
    0:32:55 when you think about status,
    0:32:57 the way I think about it is what you’re looking for
    0:32:59 is the respect and admiration of others.
    0:33:00 You want to kind of stack up
    0:33:02 and have their respect and admiration.
    0:33:05 The way that people typically today try to do that
    0:33:08 is through acquired status symbols.
    0:33:09 It’s through the watch, it’s the car,
    0:33:11 it’s the fancy club membership,
    0:33:14 it’s the expensive bottles of wine.
    0:33:16 And we think that those are going to confer
    0:33:19 this lasting respect and admiration upon us.
    0:33:21 And unfortunately they don’t.
    0:33:24 Otherwise lottery winners would be held
    0:33:26 in the highest possible regard among society
    0:33:29 because they have a whole lot of those status symbols.
    0:33:32 The reality is that real status has to be earned.
    0:33:35 It is built through these hard one treasures,
    0:33:38 these things that require long periods of time to build,
    0:33:40 things like a healthy fit physique,
    0:33:42 things like deep meaningful relationships
    0:33:43 with the people that you love,
    0:33:46 things like building a meaningful business,
    0:33:48 creating a whole bunch of value, creating jobs.
    0:33:51 Those are the things that actually confer upon us
    0:33:54 the lasting durable respect and admiration that we want.
    0:33:57 And so the question in the test that I always try to ask
    0:33:59 is what I call the bot status test.
    0:34:01 Before buying something, you ask yourself,
    0:34:05 would I buy this thing if I couldn’t tell anyone about it?
    0:34:06 If I couldn’t take a picture of it,
    0:34:08 if I couldn’t show it to anyone else,
    0:34:10 would I still want the thing?
    0:34:11 And usually that’ll cut through the noise
    0:34:14 of whether you’re doing it as an attempt at bot status
    0:34:16 or if it is something that truly provides utility
    0:34:18 and happiness in your life.
    0:34:21 – And the part of the book that I think
    0:34:23 will probably stand out the most to people
    0:34:25 or be the most read or reread will be,
    0:34:28 you have a list of what you call mental health hacks
    0:34:30 that you wish you knew at the age of 22.
    0:34:32 Share some of your favorites.
    0:34:36 – Yeah, this is a collaboration with Susan Kane
    0:34:38 who is, for those who don’t know,
    0:34:40 an incredible multi-time,
    0:34:42 number one New York Times bestselling author.
    0:34:43 She wrote the book Quiet,
    0:34:46 which is one of the most famous books of all time
    0:34:48 written about the power of introverts
    0:34:49 and an extroverted world.
    0:34:52 And a few of my favorites from that collaboration,
    0:34:55 number one was your purpose in life
    0:34:58 does not have to be related to what you do for work.
    0:35:00 Your purpose in life does not have to be grand or ambitious.
    0:35:03 Your purpose in life simply has to be yours.
    0:35:07 And in a lot of ways this is a statement
    0:35:10 that has rang true throughout history.
    0:35:11 If we trace this back in history,
    0:35:15 the Bhagavad Gita famous Hindu epic
    0:35:17 talks about the idea of Dharma.
    0:35:18 It’s the idea of your sacred duty.
    0:35:19 That is your purpose.
    0:35:21 And it was that exact statement
    0:35:23 that it doesn’t have to be impressive to anyone else.
    0:35:25 It just has to be yours.
    0:35:27 To me, that is such an empowering idea
    0:35:30 for your mental wealth because you recognize that
    0:35:33 you actually don’t need to impress others
    0:35:34 with the things you’re doing.
    0:35:38 You don’t need to trying to be impact a billion lives
    0:35:41 or do this grand, amazing things, make a billion dollars.
    0:35:42 Whatever the thing is,
    0:35:44 your purpose could be as simple as providing
    0:35:45 for the people that you love,
    0:35:47 showing up in the way that you want to in the world
    0:35:50 in a way that you feel like you didn’t have in your life.
    0:35:54 That is such a powerful and empowering notion to me.
    0:35:54 – That was nice.
    0:35:59 You also talk about the Feynman technique.
    0:36:03 – So Richard Feynman was an American theoretical physicist,
    0:36:07 won the Nobel Prize in I believe quantum electrodynamics.
    0:36:09 And what he was known for
    0:36:12 was the fact that he was able to simplify complex topics.
    0:36:13 He was able to teach them in terms
    0:36:15 that anyone could understand.
    0:36:18 And that was really the mark of true genius
    0:36:20 that he had was his ability to do that.
    0:36:22 The concept of the Feynman technique
    0:36:26 is that the most powerful way to learn anything
    0:36:28 is to teach it to others.
    0:36:30 You cannot teach something to others
    0:36:33 if you don’t truly understand it yourself.
    0:36:36 And the actual operationalization of this idea
    0:36:39 is as you were attempting to learn something new,
    0:36:41 the first thing you need to do is default
    0:36:42 to trying to teach it to someone else.
    0:36:46 And ideally teach it to someone else who is uninitiated,
    0:36:49 sort of explain it to a five year old, if you will.
    0:36:50 So you’re learning a concept,
    0:36:52 you go try to explain it to someone
    0:36:53 who doesn’t understand that.
    0:36:56 You will immediately know where there were gaps
    0:36:57 in your understanding or knowledge
    0:36:59 because the other person will expose them
    0:37:01 through the points where they’re getting confused.
    0:37:02 That ends up being the places
    0:37:04 where you need to study more, fill in those gaps,
    0:37:08 and you’ll kind of have this natural iterative process
    0:37:10 between teaching and learning
    0:37:12 that will lead you to a true depth of understanding
    0:37:13 on any topic.
    0:37:15 – What are the three pillars of physical wealth
    0:37:17 that you break down in your book?
    0:37:20 – I talk about the three pillars of physical wealth
    0:37:23 as movement, nutrition, and recovery.
    0:37:25 And the reason I think it’s so important
    0:37:27 to identify these pillars is because we live
    0:37:30 in a social media age where you are bombarded
    0:37:33 by complex sexy information
    0:37:35 when it comes to your physical health.
    0:37:37 You know, you are being convinced
    0:37:39 that unless you are willing to do the Brian Johnson
    0:37:42 and spend millions of dollars a year on your health,
    0:37:44 that you’re not gonna be able to get healthy.
    0:37:46 And unfortunately for a beginner,
    0:37:50 that type of information is really intimidating and scary.
    0:37:52 And it actually impedes starting.
    0:37:53 It halts you from starting
    0:37:56 because you view it as such an intimidating pursuit.
    0:37:59 The reality is that level one
    0:38:01 of the physical wealth video game, if you will,
    0:38:04 is very, very simple across those three pillars.
    0:38:06 Move your body for 30 minutes a day.
    0:38:08 Don’t care if it’s walking, jogging, hiking, biking,
    0:38:10 running, rowing, whatever you like doing,
    0:38:11 move your body for 30 minutes a day.
    0:38:15 Nutrition, eat whole unprocessed foods at 80% of your meals.
    0:38:18 That’s 17 out of 21 meals during the week.
    0:38:21 And then recovery, just try to sleep seven hours a night.
    0:38:22 If you can do those three things,
    0:38:25 you are probably getting at 80% of the value
    0:38:26 in this domain and you’re getting ahead
    0:38:28 of the vast majority of people.
    0:38:30 Very, very simple and super cost effective.
    0:38:33 You don’t have to do the crazy complex regimen
    0:38:34 to get there.
    0:38:36 – Finally, the last type of wealth, financial wealth.
    0:38:39 What can you, or what can people do to build financial wealth?
    0:38:42 What does the research say about the connection
    0:38:44 between money and happiness?
    0:38:46 – The research on money and happiness
    0:38:49 is actually rather clear at this point.
    0:38:50 The numbers vary.
    0:38:52 And we’ve all seen the famous Kahneman study
    0:38:54 that said $70,000 a year.
    0:38:56 Above that, you’re no longer getting happier.
    0:38:58 And it’s an old study and it’s been disputed
    0:38:59 in various forms.
    0:39:02 And more recent things by Matthew Killingsworth
    0:39:05 have said something more like $200,000, $300,000.
    0:39:07 The reality is that all of those numbers
    0:39:10 are inherently flawed because they are applying
    0:39:11 an average to the population.
    0:39:15 And as, I think it wasn’t a seem to live one said,
    0:39:16 you should never cross a river
    0:39:18 if it’s four feet deep on average.
    0:39:20 Because in different places,
    0:39:21 it’s gonna be much deeper than that.
    0:39:23 And if you live in New York City,
    0:39:26 the number is gonna be very different than Omaha, Nebraska.
    0:39:28 The point, though, of all of that research
    0:39:31 is above a certain level,
    0:39:34 there are very diminishing returns to incremental money.
    0:39:36 The incremental happiness gains that you have
    0:39:39 are going to come from these other types of wealth.
    0:39:43 And so the pursuit of money that we get patterned into
    0:39:44 in those early years,
    0:39:45 where there is a direct correlation
    0:39:47 between money and happiness,
    0:39:49 sort of becomes our default setting
    0:39:50 that we continue chasing.
    0:39:52 Arthur Brooks talks about this
    0:39:54 as us being sort of like mice,
    0:39:55 and we ring the bell
    0:39:56 and we think we’re gonna get the cheese.
    0:39:58 And you pattern that in the early years of your life,
    0:40:00 and then you continue chasing it,
    0:40:02 thinking that the cheese is gonna be there later in life,
    0:40:05 only to realize far too late that it wasn’t.
    0:40:07 And that you pursued all of these things,
    0:40:08 you made all this money,
    0:40:09 but you have three broken marriages
    0:40:11 and four kids who don’t talk to you.
    0:40:12 You think you won the game,
    0:40:14 you got padded on the back the whole way,
    0:40:15 but you’re kind of wondering,
    0:40:18 was this a game that I really cared to win?
    0:40:19 – And doing this research,
    0:40:21 what did you uncover that sort of affected
    0:40:23 the way you approach your own life?
    0:40:26 – I mean, I completely changed my life on this journey.
    0:40:31 I was chasing the very traditional definitions of success
    0:40:32 for the first seven years of my career.
    0:40:35 I was rising through the ranks in the world of investing,
    0:40:36 a private equity fund,
    0:40:39 and I had a single conversation with an old friend
    0:40:42 that fundamentally changed my life.
    0:40:44 I went out for a drink,
    0:40:45 he asked me how I was doing,
    0:40:47 and I told him that it had started to get tough
    0:40:50 living so far away from my parents on the East Coast.
    0:40:53 I lived 3000 miles away.
    0:40:55 They’re getting older, health things, things coming up.
    0:40:56 And he asked how old they were.
    0:40:58 I said mid sixties.
    0:41:00 He asked how often I saw them.
    0:41:02 I said about once a year at that point.
    0:41:03 And he just looked me and said,
    0:41:06 “Okay, so you’re going to see your parents 15 more times
    0:41:07 before they die.”
    0:41:08 And I just remember feeling
    0:41:11 like I’d been punched in the gut.
    0:41:13 The idea that the amount of time you have left
    0:41:15 with the people that you love most in the world
    0:41:19 is that finite and countable just shook me to the core.
    0:41:23 And within 45 days, my wife and I had sold our house
    0:41:24 in California.
    0:41:26 I had left my job and we had moved across the country
    0:41:28 to live closer to our families.
    0:41:32 And that was the start of this entire journey
    0:41:34 because it reminded me of one important fact,
    0:41:36 which is you are in much more control
    0:41:37 of your time than you think.
    0:41:40 That number 15 is now in the hundreds.
    0:41:42 I see my parents several times a month.
    0:41:46 They’re a huge part of my son, their grandson’s life.
    0:41:48 We spend so much time with our families.
    0:41:53 And that idea that you can actually control time
    0:41:54 is such an empowering notion.
    0:41:57 It’s such a realization that the way that we’ve been
    0:42:00 measuring, the way that we’ve been measuring our success
    0:42:03 in these games can change
    0:42:05 and you can take action to change it.
    0:42:08 – Sahil Bloom is an investor, entrepreneur and writer,
    0:42:10 known for his newsletter, The Curiosity Chronicle.
    0:42:12 He’s the owner of SRB Holdings
    0:42:14 and the managing partner of SRB Ventures
    0:42:16 and Early Stage Investment Fund.
    0:42:19 His debut book, The Five Types of Wealth,
    0:42:21 A Transformative Guide to Design Your Dream Life
    0:42:22 is out next week.
    0:42:25 He joins us from his home in Westchester
    0:42:29 where he is living close to his family.
    0:42:31 Sahil really enjoyed this conversation.
    0:42:33 Thanks for your time today.
    0:42:34 – Thank you for having me.
    0:42:47 – Happy, it’s the last question reminded me
    0:42:49 just how fleeting your time is
    0:42:51 are a couple of these questions
    0:42:55 in our interview with Sahil.
    0:42:56 It’s just crazy.
    0:43:00 Time, as you age, time is really asymptotic
    0:43:01 or it falls off a cliff.
    0:43:04 It’s kind of going too slow when you’re a kid
    0:43:07 or it goes too slow when my kids were kids.
    0:43:08 I thought that was painful
    0:43:10 when they were babies and toddlers.
    0:43:11 Then it hits a nice cadence.
    0:43:14 And then when they hit 12 or 13, it just falls off a cliff.
    0:43:16 One, they don’t want to spend as much time with you.
    0:43:18 And then all of a sudden it dawns on you
    0:43:20 that they’re gonna be gone soon.
    0:43:25 And I had somebody today ask me, CNN anchor,
    0:43:26 I’m gonna start a podcast.
    0:43:27 Can you give me some thoughts?
    0:43:29 I’m like, well, the thing I can tell you
    0:43:30 is the power of now.
    0:43:34 And that is just between the time it takes
    0:43:36 to decide you want to do a podcast
    0:43:38 and all the planning and strategy.
    0:43:42 Cut out most of that and just get a mic,
    0:43:43 some podcast equipment,
    0:43:46 hire a producer and start now.
    0:43:47 And the first one’s gonna suck
    0:43:49 and make the second one a little bit better.
    0:43:51 Just Mr. Beast it.
    0:43:52 I feel the same way now.
    0:43:54 And I’ve gotten so much better at this
    0:43:56 about now with my kids.
    0:44:00 Oh my gosh, I have a weekend alone with my 14 year old.
    0:44:04 Let’s take the Eurostart of Paris and go see a PSG game.
    0:44:05 And I’m privileged and then I can afford it.
    0:44:06 But you know what?
    0:44:08 It’s not that expensive.
    0:44:09 The hardest part is in the money.
    0:44:11 The hardest stuff is now.
    0:44:13 Like, sure, you can get tickets on the Eurostart
    0:44:14 that aren’t that expensive.
    0:44:15 You can find an Airbnb.
    0:44:16 You can get shitty seats.
    0:44:18 And by the way, the great thing about a 14 year old
    0:44:19 is there are no shitty seats.
    0:44:22 I remember getting bad seats to an Arsenal game
    0:44:23 and I was all pissed off
    0:44:25 ’cause I think of myself as being important.
    0:44:27 And my son looked at me and was like, this is amazing.
    0:44:28 Look at how high up we are.
    0:44:31 So kids just want to be with you.
    0:44:34 They just want to do really crazy things.
    0:44:37 So if you’re living, I don’t know,
    0:44:38 in Buckhead or somewhere and you think,
    0:44:41 okay, we haven’t been to the Aquarium in Atlanta.
    0:44:42 When should we go?
    0:44:43 We should go now.
    0:44:44 What are we doing this weekend?
    0:44:48 Now, yet you are gonna look back on these moments
    0:44:50 and you are going to treasure them.
    0:44:51 So this is what I want you to do.
    0:44:54 I want you to shrink the time in between deciding
    0:44:56 you’d like to do something and it’s a good idea
    0:44:57 and starting to plan it.
    0:44:59 And I want you to skip the planning stage
    0:45:01 and move right to doing it.
    0:45:02 Would this be fun?
    0:45:03 Would you like to do this?
    0:45:04 Well, we’re gonna do this.
    0:45:05 When are we gonna do this?
    0:45:07 We’re gonna do it now.
    0:45:09 (upbeat music)
    0:45:11 This episode was produced by Jennifer Sanchez.
    0:45:13 Our intern is Dan Chalon.
    0:45:15 Drew Burroughs is our technical director.
    0:45:17 Thank you for listening to the PropG Pod
    0:45:19 and the Vox Media Podcast Network.
    0:45:22 We will catch you on Saturday for “No Mercy, No Mouse”
    0:45:23 as read by George Hahn.
    0:45:25 And please follow our PropG Markets Pod
    0:45:28 wherever you get your pods for new episodes
    0:45:29 every Monday and Thursday.
    0:45:39 [BLANK_AUDIO]

    Sahil Bloom, an investor, entrepreneur and writer, known for his newsletter The Curiosity Chronicle, joins Scott to discuss his latest book, The 5 Types of Wealth: A Transformative Guide to Design Your Dream Life.

    Follow Sahil, @sahilbloom.

    Scott opens with his thoughts on the buzz surrounding DeepSeek’s new AI model. 

    Algebra of Happiness: the power of now. 

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  • Paul Brunson: Women Need To Lower Their Standards! If They Have These 3 Traits, Never Let Them Go! If You Get Sick, There’s A 624% Chance He’ll Leave!

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    0:00:02 Should you keep secrets from your partner?
    0:00:03 This is big.
    0:00:04 Yes.
    0:00:07 And the data shows it will help to increase satisfaction
    0:00:09 and lower conflict in your relationship.
    0:00:10 So give me an example of something
    0:00:12 that I shouldn’t say to my partner.
    0:00:13 Here’s a juicy one.
    0:00:14 So…
    0:00:16 What about s***?
    0:00:18 Oh, no.
    0:00:19 Oh, my God!
    0:00:22 He was one I said a lot of no or s***.
    0:00:25 Paul C. Brunson is the world’s most influential matchmaker
    0:00:26 who blends groundbreaking science research
    0:00:28 and over 15 years of expertise
    0:00:31 to prove that anyone can create unshakable foundations
    0:00:33 for long-lasting, life-changing love.
    0:00:37 I read about this study that says the men are approximately 624% more likely
    0:00:39 to separate if the woman gets terminally ill.
    0:00:40 Yes.
    0:00:41 What is going on there?
    0:00:44 Typically, it’s because there is a low-level satisfaction in the relationship
    0:00:46 from not having enough sex, for example.
    0:00:48 But this is a major issue
    0:00:52 because 80% of relationships have a lower level of satisfaction today
    0:00:53 than any point in history.
    0:00:57 And part of that is because most of what we know about finding and keeping love
    0:01:00 has unfortunately been fed to us through lies.
    0:01:02 Let’s pause that because I want to talk about those myths.
    0:01:03 Okay.
    0:01:06 So it does having more sex increase the happiness in your relationship?
    0:01:07 No.
    0:01:08 What about having doubts in your relationship?
    0:01:09 Is that bad?
    0:01:11 That couldn’t be further from the truth.
    0:01:12 Really?
    0:01:14 It’s actually healthy to have doubts about your relationship.
    0:01:15 And this is why.
    0:01:16 What about if someone cheats?
    0:01:18 Is that the end of the relationship?
    0:01:19 Brilliant question.
    0:01:20 And quite honestly?
    0:01:23 And then what are the most important qualities I need in a partner?
    0:01:24 Okay.
    0:01:25 This blew my mind.
    0:01:28 There are three traits to have a phenomenal relationship.
    0:01:29 Number one.
    0:01:31 What the f***?
    0:01:35 I find it incredibly fascinating that when we look at the back end of Spotify
    0:01:37 and Apple and our audio channels,
    0:01:41 the majority of people that watch this podcast haven’t yet hit the follow button
    0:01:43 or the subscribe button wherever you’re listening to this.
    0:01:45 I would like to make a deal with you.
    0:01:47 If you could do me a huge favor and hit that subscribe button.
    0:01:50 I will work tirelessly from now until forever
    0:01:52 to make the show better and better and better and better.
    0:01:55 I can’t tell you how much it helps when you hit that subscribe button.
    0:01:57 The show gets bigger, which means we can expand the production,
    0:01:59 bring in all the guests you want to see,
    0:02:01 and continue to do in this thing we love.
    0:02:03 If you could do me that small favor and hit the follow button,
    0:02:06 wherever you’re listening to this, that would mean the world to me.
    0:02:08 That is the only favor I will ever ask you.
    0:02:10 Thank you so much for your time.
    0:02:14 Boom.
    0:02:15 Steven.
    0:02:16 Good to see you again.
    0:02:17 It’s awesome to be here.
    0:02:20 I’m going to ask you a question that assumes that I don’t know who you are.
    0:02:23 Which is quite hard because I know you very well.
    0:02:29 But who are you and who are you to write these two books that I have in front of me?
    0:02:31 Find Love and Keep Love.
    0:02:34 Well, who am I?
    0:02:36 I’m first and foremost a husband.
    0:02:38 I’m a father.
    0:02:39 I’m a son.
    0:02:40 I’m a brother.
    0:02:41 I’m a cousin.
    0:02:42 I’m an uncle.
    0:02:43 I’m a mentor.
    0:02:44 I’m a mentee.
    0:02:45 I’m all of those things.
    0:02:47 I feel like those are the things I am first.
    0:02:52 But I have a long standing history with relationships.
    0:02:54 You know, I became a matchmaker.
    0:02:56 My wife and I launched a matchmaking agency.
    0:02:59 We became one of the largest agencies in the United States.
    0:03:04 And what’s interesting about being a matchmaker is that a lot of people don’t even realize that is a career.
    0:03:07 Like there’s legit matchmakers.
    0:03:11 There’s probably, I’d say, roughly a thousand full-time matchmakers around the world.
    0:03:18 And what we do is we literally match people together for long-term committed relationships.
    0:03:25 But what ends up happening if you’re successful with that is two people enter a long-term committed relationship.
    0:03:32 And because they’ve built up a relationship with you, they have questions about how do they keep that relationship?
    0:03:33 How do they keep their love?
    0:03:42 So my wife and I then began to transition into counselors and coaches for married couples or couples who were in committed relationships.
    0:03:43 So that’s where that started.
    0:03:45 And that went on for over a decade.
    0:03:50 And then on top of that, I started, you know, I had research, global research at Tinder,
    0:03:58 which is a great opportunity for me to look at a very large data set and make predictions as to what’s happening with our relationships.
    0:04:09 I host television shows, reality TV shows, which for good or for bad, I think help to spark conversation about relationships that are needed.
    0:04:10 So I’m doing research there.
    0:04:17 You know, I do podcasts like this, you know, so my life actually is all about relationships.
    0:04:19 And that’s the reason why I wanted to write this book.
    0:04:22 And that’s the reason why I feel qualified to write this book.
    0:04:25 So how long ago was it that you started doing the matchmaking?
    0:04:26 Oh, my gosh.
    0:04:30 So 2008 is when I officially began.
    0:04:31 17 years.
    0:04:32 Matchmaking.
    0:04:33 Yeah.
    0:04:34 17 years.
    0:04:35 It was a long time ago.
    0:04:38 The reason I ask that is a lot has changed in 17 years.
    0:04:39 Yes.
    0:04:44 We’ve been through this evolution of dating apps and matchmaking services and things like match.com.
    0:04:49 And my question is, where do you think we find ourselves today as it relates to relationships?
    0:04:51 Like, what is the macro picture?
    0:04:52 How are people feeling?
    0:04:57 The person that’s watching this right now, that’s either single and looking or in a relationship and maybe struggling.
    0:05:02 Can you give me an overview, a synopsis of how they’re feeling in their head?
    0:05:03 Sure.
    0:05:04 Sure.
    0:05:05 And why?
    0:05:06 This is a great one.
    0:05:08 So we’re feeling different things.
    0:05:10 There’s a small percentage of us.
    0:05:16 And I’ll go to Eli Finkel research who wrote phenomenal books, but one is called the all or nothing marriage that I love.
    0:05:29 And in it, he states that if you look at marriages slash committed relationships, that 20% of us have higher satisfaction than we ever have in the history of relationships.
    0:05:30 And you think 20%.
    0:05:32 One is that’s fairly small.
    0:05:34 And do they really have high satisfaction?
    0:05:36 And I fully believe this.
    0:05:39 And the reason why is because we have tools.
    0:05:48 You know, we have people who watch podcasts, read books, watch television shows, we have tools like we’ve never had before more access to therapy.
    0:05:58 So 20% very satisfied, but 80% more dissatisfied, more upset, more confused than ever before.
    0:06:05 And I would say that those who are not in relationships, the pool reflects that as well.
    0:06:16 I think there’s a 20% of singles who are hopeful and are developing the tools and developing the skills and learning active listening and all these things.
    0:06:19 And they will, and they believe they’ll enter strong relationships.
    0:06:21 They’re, they’re very hopeful.
    0:06:34 I think there’s 80% out there that are perhaps hopeless, disgruntled, confused, dismayed, you know, and, and I would say that that’s, that’s the landscape today.
    0:06:50 And that being said, the reason for that is because we over the years have placed more emphasis on one partner versus having a village to lean on.
    0:06:52 So we’re, we’re, we’re leaning more.
    0:06:56 So we’re, we’re, we’re, we’re requiring more from our partners.
    0:07:03 So what that means is that if we’re requiring more, if we’re requiring our partner to be, we want our partner to be our best friend.
    0:07:06 We all want to launch a business and be a CEO, right?
    0:07:09 So we want our partner to be co-CEO or COO.
    0:07:11 We want our partner to be a great parent.
    0:07:18 We want our partner to come home at night, take their clothes off and do backflips in the bedroom, right?
    0:07:19 This is what we want.
    0:07:20 This is what we want.
    0:07:34 So we want now more from that one person versus 30 years ago, 300 years ago, 3,000 years ago, 300,000 years ago when, when humans really began 300,000 years ago.
    0:07:39 So you, you look at all this and you say, wow, we want more.
    0:07:42 So therefore we’re going to have lower satisfaction.
    0:07:45 So this is what I believe the landscape is today.
    0:07:53 And if we start then with people that are looking for love, people that are in search of love, how are the, the current tools?
    0:08:01 Because I see so much online about how people are disenfranchised with like things like dating apps and they’ve tried like social media.
    0:08:07 And I’ve got so many of my friends who are struggling at the moment, they’re going on 100 dates a year and they’re unable to find anybody.
    0:08:10 And I ponder to myself, I go, you’re going on 100 dates a year.
    0:08:16 You’re almost a professional data and you still can’t find somebody.
    0:08:26 Surely that’s not through lack of options or like the top of the funnel there, the sort of exposure is fine.
    0:08:32 But there’s something further down the funnel as it relates to them being able to convert somebody that seems to be off.
    0:08:33 Right, right.
    0:08:39 But, but also I would argue that it could even stem, you could go deeper to the root.
    0:08:40 Right.
    0:08:42 So you think about attachment styles, attachment styles.
    0:08:44 I know you’ve talked a lot about attachment styles.
    0:08:48 Attachment styles are kind of the hot thing, the hot trend that people are talking about.
    0:08:49 Rightfully so.
    0:08:50 I like this.
    0:08:53 And if you think about that, they’re primarily three.
    0:08:54 Right.
    0:08:57 We know we have secure, there’s anxious and there’s avoidant.
    0:09:01 There’s, there are other variations, but in essence, these are the three.
    0:09:08 Now, depending on who you talk to, roughly 50, 60% of the population are secure.
    0:09:13 That means the balance are going to be anxious or avoidant or some combination.
    0:09:26 So therefore, if you are on a date and you have an anxious attachment style or you have an avoidant attachment style and you have someone in front of you who is the perfect match for you.
    0:09:28 They’re, they’re, they’re taken off all the boxes.
    0:09:40 You could be so anxious or so avoidant that you push them away or you lay blame to a certain character, a characteristic or a trait that they have that means nothing to the relationship and you dismiss them.
    0:09:43 You know, this is going to sound funny, but it’s sad.
    0:09:54 Is, do you know what we found when we were matchmaking, what the number one reason why people did not allow someone, someone to get a second date with them?
    0:10:00 They had a Velcro wallet.
    0:10:04 Velcro wallets are cool though.
    0:10:06 No, they don’t.
    0:10:07 No, they’re not.
    0:10:08 You can’t, no.
    0:10:09 All right.
    0:10:10 So you know what it was?
    0:10:11 It was around attraction.
    0:10:17 So one, it was, you know, physical attraction, but in particular it was because they, they smelled.
    0:10:18 Really?
    0:10:20 They had bad breath, halitosis, right?
    0:10:22 Or there was some odor.
    0:10:28 Now, you can argue that scent plays a strong role in our partner selection.
    0:10:31 Dr. Taurus Ford talks about this quite, quite a bit, right?
    0:10:37 So there’s, there’s a evolutionary biology that comes with scent.
    0:10:38 Yes, I agree.
    0:10:45 But to look across from someone and say, you know what, you probably like, you, like your breath stinks, right?
    0:10:47 And I’m not going to give up the second date.
    0:10:51 And as a result of your breath stinks, you have long fingernails.
    0:10:54 You’re, you’re, you’re in a track suit, right?
    0:11:02 To look at these moments and say, because of this thing, I’m going to dismiss you as a partner.
    0:11:07 I think for a lot of people, sounds logical, but then for a lot of people, sounds ridiculous.
    0:11:08 You know what I mean?
    0:11:12 Now, how you got to that point is the challenge.
    0:11:19 If you think it’s ridiculous, how you got to assuming that because someone has a track suit on, because they have long fingernails,
    0:11:26 it dismisses their, their, their validity of being a great partner.
    0:11:27 That is about you.
    0:11:29 That is about you, your attachment.
    0:11:31 That is about how you’ve been socialized.
    0:11:40 That is about, so I would argue that people who are going on lots and lots and lots of dates and they still can’t feel like they can find the right partner.
    0:11:44 The first place to look at is yourself.
    0:11:51 I do wonder this because I think the more dates you go on, the more reference points of comparison you then have for the next person.
    0:11:58 So date 101, if you’ve been on 100 previously, you’ve now got a hundred guys who are maybe all good at one thing.
    0:12:04 And date 101 is going to be compared to the previous 100 on all factors.
    0:12:07 So maybe date 49 had great sense of humor.
    0:12:10 Date 53 was rich.
    0:12:13 Date 67 was physically beautiful.
    0:12:18 Date 101 is going to be compared to all previous dates on all of those factors.
    0:12:25 And you’re always going to find something that is less good, at least one factor that is less good than someone you date previously.
    0:12:33 And I’ve always wondered, are you like accidentally expanding your comparison set by meeting more and more and more and more and more people?
    0:12:46 So I think this reads to Barry Schwartz’s work with the paradox of choice, where Barry Schwartz did with the paradox of choice, which is brilliant, is that when we’re presented with more options,
    0:12:58 which is in essence all of these dates, when we choose one, we have a less level of satisfaction with the choice because we saw that we had a hundred choices.
    0:13:06 Versus if you have three choices and you have to choose between one of those three, there’s going to be a higher level of satisfaction.
    0:13:10 As a result, a real life example is my grandmother.
    0:13:15 So my grandmother grew up in, I say, the bush in the bush in Jamaica.
    0:13:18 Super, super small town in Jamaica.
    0:13:23 My grandmother literally had five or six options as a partner.
    0:13:37 Now, as a result of my grandmother having those options, when she chooses one person, there’s going to be more value, more emphasis, even more if you look at the investment theory, more investment placed in one of those options.
    0:13:48 Versus if she had a hundred options and she makes a choice, that choice with a hundred options becomes more disposable.
    0:13:55 So this is one issue that we have in terms of giving ourselves so many options.
    0:14:01 The other challenge with this is when you watch people date, they typically date the same person.
    0:14:09 It’s typically the same characteristics, even physically the same.
    0:14:26 I argue that some of the greatest value that we can receive in the dating market, if you want to look at it as a dating market, is to take ourselves out of our market, if you will, and put yourself in some place different.
    0:14:28 I call this the premium effect.
    0:14:39 So an example of this is I had a friend who was a white woman, roughly 35 years old, who lived in Northern London.
    0:14:44 And she was like, “Paul, I’m dating all these guys. I can’t find the right one.”
    0:14:47 I said, “Look, you love art, don’t you?”
    0:14:48 She said, “Yeah, I love art.”
    0:14:54 I said, “All right, I want you to take yourself down to the Black Cultural Archives in Brixton.
    0:14:59 And I want you to go to this exhibit that they’re having.”
    0:15:01 And she was like, “Brixton?”
    0:15:05 I said, “Yeah, Brixton is cool. I go there all the time.”
    0:15:07 I want you to go there.
    0:15:09 Now, why did I ask her to go?
    0:15:16 I asked her to go because the moment that she goes, characteristically, she’s not going to look the same.
    0:15:23 These are mostly going to be Black men and women, perhaps even a little bit younger than she is.
    0:15:27 Different, culturally, right?
    0:15:34 But yet, they have the same value in art and their appreciation for creativity, et cetera.
    0:15:37 The moment that she goes there, what happens?
    0:15:42 Some people in the room look at her like, “What’s she doing here? Why is she here?”
    0:15:45 Those are the closed-minded people.
    0:15:47 Carol DeWick talks about this in her book Mindset.
    0:15:49 We have closed-minded, open-minded.
    0:15:51 Those are the closed-minded.
    0:15:55 But how do the open-minded react to my friend?
    0:15:57 They lean in.
    0:15:59 “What are you doing here?”
    0:16:01 And they’re curious and they engage.
    0:16:08 And all of a sudden, she opens her network to a whole new group of people.
    0:16:10 Some of those could be romantic interests.
    0:16:13 Some of those could be platonic. They could be friends.
    0:16:17 So when we’re dating, the serial daters especially, the 100 people,
    0:16:24 it’s important for you to step outside of your sphere, if you will.
    0:16:26 I want to pick up on something there.
    0:16:29 You said that white woman went into a black space.
    0:16:32 And in that black space, she would be considered a premium
    0:16:36 because basically, her characteristics make her rare, right?
    0:16:39 I was just doing some research then, and it says that studies and surveys indicate
    0:16:42 that ethnic minorities, particularly Asian men and black women,
    0:16:46 often face unique challenges in dating in both the UK and the US.
    0:16:49 And these challenges stem from a combination of social stereotypes,
    0:16:53 cultural biases, and the preference expressed on dating platforms.
    0:16:56 And the reason I’m asking this question is it’s not a lived experience.
    0:17:00 I have because I’m not an Asian man, although sometimes people think I am.
    0:17:03 There are a group of people where I don’t have a shared lived experience
    0:17:06 who are struggling in ways in the Western world
    0:17:08 that maybe mean you don’t understand.
    0:17:12 Yeah, definitely.
    0:17:21 You know, we have to understand that we exist in a highly racist society.
    0:17:25 And a lot of people don’t like to acknowledge it, don’t like to talk about it,
    0:17:27 like to sweep it under the rug.
    0:17:33 But when it comes to dating, it shows up, like in this statistic that you’re talking about.
    0:17:35 Now, let’s think about this.
    0:17:44 If you are someone who is not black and you are interested in a partner,
    0:17:48 and you’ve had no experiences with black people,
    0:17:52 other than maybe watching some black people on television,
    0:17:57 and your parents in your community have said all kinds of crazy things about black people,
    0:18:02 and you have all types of negative belief structures around black people,
    0:18:05 and then you’re a man, you’re, say, a white man,
    0:18:07 and you’re presented with a black woman on a dating app,
    0:18:09 are you going to swipe on this person now?
    0:18:13 You’re not because you don’t understand how incredible she is,
    0:18:18 how smart she is, how beautiful she is.
    0:18:20 You don’t, you have no appreciation.
    0:18:24 So the reason why they’re not swiping is their ignorance.
    0:18:26 That’s what it is.
    0:18:31 And this is the reason why one of the most important things we can do,
    0:18:35 is widen our social groups.
    0:18:37 This is the most important thing.
    0:18:40 I mean, it positively impacts our romantic relationships.
    0:18:43 It positively impacts our life.
    0:18:48 Is that we need to have a diverse set of people that we interact with,
    0:18:56 and truly understand how beautiful, how beautiful people who are different than us actually are.
    0:18:58 Is there a bit of a systemic issue here as well?
    0:19:02 Because when I was thinking about your grandmother growing up in that village in Jamaica that you referenced,
    0:19:09 she would spend a lot of time, because of the nature of how she would meet that person in the village,
    0:19:15 that other man in the village, getting to know him beyond his surface level appearance.
    0:19:18 So if he lived across the street, she would interact with him, see his behaviour.
    0:19:23 He might have long fingernails, you know, but she gets to learn that he’s a kind, generous person,
    0:19:27 and he’s got a good sense of humour, so she can look past the velcro wallet and the long fingernails.
    0:19:32 But in the way that we’ve designed dating in the modern world, where most people now, I believe,
    0:19:36 are meeting online in some form, whether it’s social media or other,
    0:19:39 we’re actually purely judging someone in the fingernails.
    0:19:43 We make a decision in a couple of seconds whether this person is compatible or not,
    0:19:46 and obviously that’s not possible.
    0:19:56 And I just feel this real strong sense of dissatisfaction, frustration,
    0:20:03 and desperation from people at the moment as it relates to finding someone.
    0:20:08 And I just think the systems that we’ve built, social networking, the screens,
    0:20:13 have only exacerbated this frustration and desperation.
    0:20:18 My question, which is somewhat linked to this, is really around the old ways of doing things,
    0:20:23 like you were talking about your grandmother, and I was really curious about one subject in particular,
    0:20:26 and wondered if you had any data on this, which is arranged marriages.
    0:20:27 Yes.
    0:20:28 Yes.
    0:20:35 Are arranged marriages as successful as the relationships we form today
    0:20:39 via social media screens, et cetera, et cetera?
    0:20:43 Because, you know, back in the day, we were kind of put together with somebody
    0:20:46 based on, I don’t know, family or economic reasons.
    0:20:48 Did those marriages succeed?
    0:20:56 Many of us don’t want to acknowledge how successful arranged marriages actually have been
    0:20:58 and continue to be.
    0:20:59 Really?
    0:21:00 Continue to be.
    0:21:02 But we have to look at the why, right?
    0:21:05 Now, when people hear this, they immediately say,
    0:21:10 “Oh, well, what about all the abuse and the dissatisfaction that happens in these relationships?”
    0:21:12 Does it happen?
    0:21:13 Absolutely.
    0:21:19 But it also happens in non-arranged marriages at significantly high rates.
    0:21:22 So why are arranged marriages so successful?
    0:21:29 To some researchers, they have a higher level of satisfaction than non-arranged marriages.
    0:21:30 And here’s the reason why.
    0:21:39 The reason why is because you have families coming together and negotiating and determining
    0:21:44 whether or not this particular person fits within their family structure.
    0:21:45 And what does that mean?
    0:21:50 That means that you have literally a mother, a father, a grandmother, a grandfather,
    0:21:56 a brother, a sister who come together and they discuss and debate the characteristics.
    0:22:02 They discuss and debate whether or not this person is an upstanding human being.
    0:22:05 You know, is this person open-minded?
    0:22:07 Is this person going to be resourceful?
    0:22:08 Right?
    0:22:09 Is this person resilient?
    0:22:11 They debate these characteristics.
    0:22:16 And the reason why it’s so beneficial is because the person getting married is not involved
    0:22:19 and they’re not involved because they would be entirely biased.
    0:22:23 What happens today is incredibly dangerous.
    0:22:29 What happens today is when we meet someone, we typically do not involve any friends and family.
    0:22:34 We are already infatuated with the person, so we’re obsessed with them.
    0:22:40 That’s where we can’t even determine whether or not they have any of the traits that we want.
    0:22:45 We are living through our own trauma and we’re not even selecting them.
    0:22:47 Typically, they are selecting us.
    0:22:55 So we end up sliding, if you will, into a relationship that was never right for us to begin with.
    0:23:08 Whereas in arranged marriages, you have a true debate happening around whether or not someone will fit within the life of that individual.
    0:23:11 Another example is why my wife and I are a matchmaking agency.
    0:23:17 We pioneered something that had never been done, at least to our knowledge in matchmaking.
    0:23:28 Stephen, if you were a client of ours, you would be the perfect client at that time because we had many men who were incredibly successful professionally
    0:23:35 and felt as if, “Okay, what I’m missing is I’m missing love. I’m missing partnership.”
    0:23:40 So if you came to us as a client, instead of me saying, “All right, Stephen, tell me what you want.”
    0:23:48 And you give me this long list. I know you’d give me a list of like 150 things that you want.
    0:23:54 Instead, I would say, “No, no, you go sit over there. I’m not even going to talk to you.”
    0:24:00 Instead, let me talk to your brother. Let me talk to your co-workers.
    0:24:04 Let me talk to your exes. Yes, let me talk to your exes.
    0:24:12 Let me get a 360 perspective of who you are from the people who you are closest to.
    0:24:19 And I would then build out a profile based on the consensus of what they’re telling me.
    0:24:25 This is so true. One of my best friends in the world has struggled with a few of my best friends.
    0:24:28 But there’s two I’m thinking about in particular, but one I really want to focus on.
    0:24:35 He’s struggled in relationships for the last, I’d say, 15 years. And every single time he gets in a relationship as his friend,
    0:24:38 I go, “That’s not it. That’s not it. That’s not it.”
    0:24:41 And every single time he gets with somebody else, I go, “That’s not it either.”
    0:24:48 And after this last relationship failed, I sat with him and I’m trying not to like, you know, intervene too much.
    0:24:53 But I said, “Bro, I will know. I feel like the same way that he knew when I’d found the right one,
    0:24:58 and if I was to dump my current partner, he would literally reverse the decision.”
    0:25:04 He would write an executive order to reverse the decision because he knows that person is exactly what was right for me.
    0:25:07 In the same way, I could literally draw a picture.
    0:25:16 I could tell you the occupation, the age of the right person for him based on knowing him and him being my best friend for 10, 15 years.
    0:25:21 But for some reason, he goes for everything opposite than that.
    0:25:28 And I’ve always wondered this. I’ve always wondered, like, should we be picking our friends’ partners for them?
    0:25:36 No. If, as a society, we went back to our nearest and dearest family and social circle,
    0:25:41 and I want to emphasize the people who we truly love because, like, not all families family.
    0:25:50 So if we had that circle making the decision for us, we would have much higher satisfaction rates in marriages
    0:25:54 without question or much higher satisfaction rates in partnerships.
    0:25:57 It’s because of precisely what you said.
    0:26:04 Three in a study here, it says a 2012 study published in the Journal of Comparative Family Studies found that couples in arranged marriages
    0:26:12 in collectivist cultures reported similar or higher levels of satisfaction over the long term compared to those in love marriages.
    0:26:23 Yes. Yes. Go back. Eli Finkel, 80% of our marriages have a lower level of satisfaction today than any point in history.
    0:26:29 And you think about, even what we were, you think about the emphasis that we place on the individual.
    0:26:41 This is something that needs to really be emphasized because the more that we require our partner to deliver everything to us,
    0:26:45 the higher their bar becomes, the expectation.
    0:26:50 And the moment that they’re not meeting that expectation, we’re not satisfied.
    0:26:57 Now, they could be delivering on nine out of 10 things, but because our expectation is 10, we have low satisfaction
    0:27:02 because ultimately that’s what satisfaction is, is satisfaction is really based on our expectation.
    0:27:03 So what do we do about that?
    0:27:09 Because a lot of people will be able to relate to this idea that their partner is multiple things in their life
    0:27:22 or that they feel like they are expected to be their partners, therapist, maybe financier, best friend, sports buddy
    0:27:27 on the weekend to play paddle with, I don’t know, life coach, etc.
    0:27:30 Some people will feel that pressure while they’re also trying to run their own life.
    0:27:34 What you do about it because you can’t come home and say, babe, listen, it’s over.
    0:27:38 I’m only going to be your boyfriend from now on.
    0:27:43 A lot of people won’t like this, but we have to lower our expectation of our partners.
    0:27:44 We really do.
    0:27:54 And what I mean by this is, first, we have to begin with determining what do we want out of our partnership?
    0:28:01 Because if we go back, and we don’t have to go back thousands of years, we can literally go back to my grandparents.
    0:28:06 The decisions, we’re not, am I going to get all 10 things from my partner?
    0:28:09 It is three of the 10 things.
    0:28:12 And I’ll be satisfied with the three of the 10 things.
    0:28:13 Why?
    0:28:16 Because I have a full community that I can go to.
    0:28:26 Friends, coworkers, colleagues, people who, you know, in my running club that I can go to for other facets of my life.
    0:28:29 Confidence, intellectual stimulation, whatever it may be.
    0:28:31 So that’s where it begins.
    0:28:34 What do you want from your marriage?
    0:28:42 Then the next step becomes, all right, are you then prepared to do the work required to sustain that relationship?
    0:28:52 You know, the Gottmans, who I know you’ve had on the podcast and are really the foremost experts in the world around couples therapy, right?
    0:28:53 John and Julie Gottman.
    0:29:02 They said something to me that was profound when I was talking to them, and that is, we’re all compatible with each other.
    0:29:03 And let that sit in for a second.
    0:29:05 It’s like, OK, what does that really mean?
    0:29:15 What it means is that if I were to drop you with another human being on a desolate island and say, that’s it.
    0:29:22 It’s just the two of you for the rest of your lives, you were going to form a very strong emotional bond.
    0:29:26 Chance there, you’re going to form a very strong physical and sexual bond, right?
    0:29:34 Why? Because you are required, there’s no other outlet, but to make it work with them.
    0:29:36 Look at today.
    0:29:38 We don’t feel like we have to make it work.
    0:29:40 There’s countless options.
    0:29:42 We can just leave, right?
    0:29:52 And so this notion that we are compatible with everyone I think is profound, because what it means is that you can get through that.
    0:29:57 You can increase your satisfaction by putting in the work.
    0:29:59 I can totally relate to that.
    0:30:04 I remember working in a call center once upon a time and I was broke and lonely.
    0:30:09 And as I worked in this call center, it was late rooms call center in Cheetah Mill in Manchester.
    0:30:13 I basically fell in love with the girl sat next to me in the call center.
    0:30:16 Now, listen, I’ve seen her since.
    0:30:20 I think 10 years later she came to one of my meeting greets, which is called Rosie.
    0:30:23 She’s probably the first time she realizes that I fell in love with her.
    0:30:29 But in the context of there not being many options and me being a guy that basically had no other options.
    0:30:31 I wasn’t going out to nightclubs, I couldn’t afford it.
    0:30:37 I just fell in love with someone who was in close proximity and I just was really, really into her.
    0:30:43 And it shocked me because objectively speaking, had I written down what my type was at that period of my life.
    0:30:50 I wouldn’t have written that, but just because we were held in close proximity for long enough, I found the attraction.
    0:30:52 The attraction came to be.
    0:30:54 Unfortunately, that’s not the world we live in.
    0:31:01 And in fact, one of my friends who’s struggling the most in relationships, her job is literally to meet people.
    0:31:05 That’s like the base premise of her job and she can’t find anyone.
    0:31:10 And I think part of what I’m seeing there is what we’ve described with having too many options.
    0:31:12 But what does someone do about that?
    0:31:20 What’s the actionable thing to do if you live in the modern world and you’re struggling to find somebody,
    0:31:25 even though you realize that if you were held in a room with five total strangers, you’d probably fall in love with one of them.
    0:31:27 Yeah, it’s tough, right?
    0:31:30 But it always begins with self and self-awareness.
    0:31:35 And I would literally start at, well, what is my attachment?
    0:31:38 That will inform an incredible amount.
    0:31:42 If she goes back and does the work and realizes that she is avoidant,
    0:31:48 that will begin to fill in the gaps as to why maybe she’s been emotionally distant relationships,
    0:31:51 why she feels like she doesn’t need anyone,
    0:31:56 why people need to jump an even higher bar to be in a relationship with her.
    0:32:02 Start with your attachment and realize that if you are avoidant or you are anxious,
    0:32:05 you can earn a secure attachment.
    0:32:08 And there’s work that’s involved, but you can do that.
    0:32:10 And by the way, you can do that without a therapist.
    0:32:14 It’s always advisable to go with therapists, but let’s face it.
    0:32:19 The wait times for therapists, the cost for therapists, they’re not —
    0:32:24 and also the number of therapists on a per capita basis is decreasing.
    0:32:30 So they’re not as accessible as often we make it at the mount to see.
    0:32:33 So that’s one is you want to start with self.
    0:32:34 That’s one.
    0:32:40 Secondly is really get grounded on the type of relationship that you want.
    0:32:45 And the reason why this is important is because therefore you can make it clear
    0:32:49 what your boundaries are when you begin to engage with people.
    0:32:54 Because I always say that if you don’t assert your boundaries,
    0:32:58 you can take well-intentioned people and turn them into bullies
    0:33:01 just as a result of not asserting your boundaries.
    0:33:05 So in order to know your — in order to assert your boundaries, you have to know your boundaries.
    0:33:09 So that’s the second piece is beginning to know, okay, what do I want?
    0:33:10 What do I want?
    0:33:16 For example, there are hundreds of variations of relationships that you could have today.
    0:33:18 My grandmother, right?
    0:33:19 There was one.
    0:33:24 It was committed relationship — committed marriage until you die.
    0:33:25 That was it.
    0:33:27 Now you don’t have to be married.
    0:33:31 You could live apart, but be together, see each other on weekends.
    0:33:32 You can decide.
    0:33:35 I want — we don’t want to have children.
    0:33:36 You can decide.
    0:33:38 There are hundreds of variations.
    0:33:42 Be very clear on what you were — what you want.
    0:33:49 And when I say assert your boundaries is assert what you are interested in right from the beginning.
    0:33:52 These three steps are incredibly important.
    0:33:55 I want to talk about the different variations of relationships
    0:33:59 and a lot of the sort of myths that keep us held in.
    0:34:02 The sort of modern idea of what a relationship looks like.
    0:34:03 Okay.
    0:34:08 But you said something there, which I — which sparked a thought that I had read in your book.
    0:34:10 When you said till death do us part.
    0:34:11 Yes.
    0:34:19 I read about this study that says that cancer research on heterosexual couples found that if a man becomes terminally ill
    0:34:24 and his wife becomes the caretaker, there is a 2.9% separation rate.
    0:34:31 If the woman is terminally ill and their male partner becomes the caretaker, they leave at a 21% rate,
    0:34:39 which basically means that men are approximately 624% more likely to separate from a woman if the woman gets sick.
    0:34:40 Yes.
    0:34:44 And that was on page 48 of your new book, Keep Love.
    0:34:45 Yes.
    0:34:46 What the fuck is going on there?
    0:34:48 That is alarming, shocking.
    0:34:50 And it was so alarming, shocking.
    0:34:53 I had to include the study in the book.
    0:34:58 For me — and I wrote this in the chapter around love is conditional.
    0:35:04 And we have to understand that the myth that presents itself is that love is unconditional.
    0:35:09 It is, you know, if you find the right person, there’s no conditions.
    0:35:11 That could be true with your children, right?
    0:35:20 Your child could go do something heinous, and I believe there could or would still be love for them.
    0:35:23 But that’s not the case with our partners.
    0:35:30 And for us to be aware that there are conditions when we go into these relationships, that’s the most important.
    0:35:36 It’s almost a warning sign in particular to women in that chapter to say there are conditions.
    0:35:45 And unfortunately, when people have gone through and interviewed these men who have left the women on their deathbed,
    0:35:50 and even the women — because it’s 2.9% of women leave men — even the women who have left the men,
    0:35:56 what they will say is that they’re no longer getting — fill in the blank.
    0:35:58 They’re no longer getting the emotional intimacy.
    0:36:00 They’re no longer getting the physical intimacy.
    0:36:03 They’re no longer getting the, you know, you fill in the blank.
    0:36:10 And as a result of no longer getting this thing, and the thing is the condition, they’re out.
    0:36:12 So why men, though?
    0:36:17 Over 600% more likely to leave a terminally old partner than women are.
    0:36:28 You know, there’s a disproportionate amount of the relationship that’s placed on the physical side of the relationship, right?
    0:36:29 Sex.
    0:36:30 Sex.
    0:36:31 Yeah.
    0:36:33 You’re like, “Paul, say what it is.”
    0:36:34 It’s actually what it is.
    0:36:36 Well, it’s not all about sex, right?
    0:36:37 It’s not all about sex.
    0:36:45 But what it typically means is that there is a low level of satisfaction in the relationship.
    0:36:53 And as a result of there being a low level of satisfaction, and the low level of satisfaction could come from not having enough sex or not having the sex that they like.
    0:36:57 It could be from, you know, there’s no respect.
    0:37:00 They don’t feel like there’s equity in the relationship, whatever it may be.
    0:37:12 But because there’s already a low level of satisfaction, when they go into a place where the partner is terminally ill, they’re more ready to leave, right?
    0:37:14 This is normally what you see.
    0:37:27 What you see happen when you see a partner leave another partner, where you see infidelity happening, is you see that there was already a low level of satisfaction.
    0:37:37 The level of satisfaction in the relationships not only dictate the survivability of the relationship, it dictates the survivability of us.
    0:37:39 There was a study done.
    0:37:43 James Coyne, this one blew my mind.
    0:37:51 He pulled 200 patients who had congenital heart disease, right?
    0:37:56 So not terminally ill, but as close as you get to terminally ill.
    0:38:07 And he was able to look at the 200 and he broke down the group based on those who have a high level of satisfaction and those who have a low level of satisfaction in their relationship.
    0:38:16 Two years later, the couples who had a high level of satisfaction, the person in that partnership who had congenital heart failure, you know what?
    0:38:18 They died about 11% of the time.
    0:38:21 So 11% they died.
    0:38:30 But those who had a low level of satisfaction, two years later, 45% of them had died.
    0:38:41 Think about that. A little greater than three times the likelihood of death because of the low level of satisfaction in the relationship.
    0:38:44 So the satisfaction in the relationship is the key.
    0:38:55 And this is part of what I’ve been trying to drive in this book and a lot of my messaging is that we place too much value on longevity.
    0:38:57 It’s ridiculous.
    0:39:02 I sit down for interviews, typically the top, and thank you for not asking me this.
    0:39:10 Typically the first two or third question is, Paul, so you’ve been married for how long?
    0:39:12 How long have you been married?
    0:39:13 How long have you been married?
    0:39:21 And the idea is that because I’ve been married for 23 plus years that I’m successful in my marriage.
    0:39:22 It’s ridiculous.
    0:39:23 It’s ridiculous.
    0:39:28 The question should be how satisfied are you in your marriage or in your partnership?
    0:39:35 And so we can’t, we have to stop putting emphasis on the longevity and really focus on the satisfaction.
    0:39:37 How satisfied are you in your marriage?
    0:39:38 Stephen.
    0:39:47 This is, I hate you for asking this question.
    0:39:48 No, no.
    0:39:49 I am.
    0:39:50 So the reason why I have a heart.
    0:39:54 It’s about your wife and we got her answer before so we’ll just keep her.
    0:39:56 Yeah, you tell me what she said first.
    0:40:00 Are you sure you want to know on air?
    0:40:07 What, the reason why I hate trying to answer a question like this is because so many people say, oh, I don’t believe, I don’t believe in discussing.
    0:40:12 Truly hand on my heart word to my children.
    0:40:22 I have the highest level of satisfaction with Jill, you know, with my best friend today than ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.
    0:40:29 And I think the reason for this is because of the enormous amount of work that we put in.
    0:40:37 You know, a lot of people don’t realize is that when I read a stat, Jill is typically right next to me.
    0:40:46 Last night, literally last night, we’re in the bed and we are talking about the history of marriage.
    0:40:52 And we’re debating Clovis, the first of Frank’s and how he made an impact on relationships.
    0:40:57 We’re always discussing these topics.
    0:41:02 And as a result of having the conversation around these topics, it helps us to be open.
    0:41:04 It helps us to dialogue.
    0:41:05 It helps us to debate.
    0:41:07 It helps us to have doubt.
    0:41:10 It helps us to have trust and autonomy.
    0:41:21 And therefore it helps us to have this strong level of communication and emotional intimacy that then feeds into all aspects of our life, into our sex life.
    0:41:28 Into our ability to parent, our children, into our work.
    0:41:32 All of this feeds from having this strong connection.
    0:41:35 So the satisfaction is sky high.
    0:41:42 And this is a topic that is funny because I was like, hmm, I know Stephen does the research, so he could have asked Jill.
    0:41:45 I am very confident Jill would say the same.
    0:41:50 The reason why is because we always check in with each other.
    0:41:53 We’re always like, how are you feeling right now?
    0:41:54 Right.
    0:41:57 Do we feel like we’re going in the right direction?
    0:42:00 You know, when I think about, do you have strong satisfaction in your relationship?
    0:42:05 The questions that always come to mind is, do you feel safe with your partner?
    0:42:06 Do you feel safe?
    0:42:10 Do you feel like you can express your true vulnerability to them?
    0:42:11 Right.
    0:42:12 That’s one.
    0:42:14 Secondly is do you feel respected?
    0:42:17 You know, with John Gottman’s research, number one.
    0:42:25 You know, he saw he could predict divorce at 99 plus percent or 90 plus percent because of contempt or disrespect in the relationship.
    0:42:27 So do you feel like you have respect?
    0:42:29 Another one.
    0:42:33 Are you optimistic about where the relationship is going?
    0:42:39 Which suggests how much effort and work your partner is placing in the relationship.
    0:42:47 So many of us are hopeless about the future is because we know our partner’s not doing anything to further the relationship.
    0:42:50 So are you nurturing the relationship?
    0:42:57 Many of us are quick to focus on self-love now and nurturing ourselves.
    0:43:02 But the question is how much nurture are you giving to the relationship?
    0:43:04 Because that’s a separate entity.
    0:43:12 You talking there about sort of the pillow talk with Jill about relationships and constantly it being part of the conversation in your household.
    0:43:19 One of the things that I was pondering as you said that is, should we spend more time talking about the relationship with our partner?
    0:43:25 Because if I think about the relationship I’m in now, we spend a lot of time talking about the relationship.
    0:43:29 Whereas in previous relationships, it was kind of the elephant in the room all the time.
    0:43:38 So we never really had an opportunity or a forum to ask those questions about unmet needs or are you happy etc etc.
    0:43:49 And I just think that probably the missing piece for a lot of people in relationships is they just don’t have a space in their week where they sit and talk about the relationship itself.
    0:44:00 So yes, should we be speaking more absolutely? Would it save many partnerships? Absolutely. Would it increase the satisfaction? Absolutely.
    0:44:05 Do we not have enough time? I would say this becomes our cop-out.
    0:44:07 We’re so busy with life.
    0:44:16 Think about this. I’m so busy with life that I can’t give the person that I plan to spend the rest of my life with time.
    0:44:24 We have to prioritize our relationship with our partner. We have to prioritize this.
    0:44:33 We have to figure out when we can build in time to talk and we have to actually talk about the real things.
    0:44:41 I’m willing to bet that most men don’t even realize, especially in heterosexual relationships, heteronormative relationships,
    0:44:47 most men don’t even realize that their partner doesn’t even orgasm when they have sex.
    0:44:57 You look at the orgasm gap and you say, “Oh my God, you have men orgasming at 95% and women at roughly 65%,
    0:45:00 maybe a little bit higher in these committed relationships.”
    0:45:06 That means that there’s a significant percentage that never orgasms and I bet you their partner has no idea.
    0:45:11 No idea. Why? Because there hasn’t been a conversation around it.
    0:45:18 Now, the issue is a two-way street. It’s not only the man’s issue that he needs to be aware and have the conversation,
    0:45:23 but she also needs to be able to tell him. But you know why she probably doesn’t tell him?
    0:45:27 Because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings.
    0:45:35 She’s not been having an orgasm for the last 10 years, so she feels like if she brings it up now, it’s going to be detrimental to the relationship.
    0:45:41 So she’s trying to protect him or she’s embarrassed or whatever it may be.
    0:45:46 He is completely oblivious and unaware and they never talk about their sex life.
    0:45:50 A matter of fact, their sex life is a script, which is typically most people’s sex life.
    0:45:58 It’s just a script. It’s two or three moves that are done, man orgasms, women doesn’t. That’s it.
    0:46:04 Think of how powerful it would be if they could just simply have dialogue and discussion.
    0:46:10 It’s hard to start that behaviour though. I imagine in your relationship with Jill, you guys are pretty advanced, right?
    0:46:14 So if you’re level one, what’s level one in karate? Is it like a white belt?
    0:46:15 Oh yeah, white belt.
    0:46:20 If you’re like a white belt in this stuff, where there’s been 10 years you and your partner just really don’t talk about these things.
    0:46:24 It’s kind of always been the elephant in the room. Loads of words have been unsaid.
    0:46:29 What would you suggest as like a good starting point to get the ball rolling in this direction?
    0:46:41 Alright, I like this. So baby steps. So in the book, I talk about how we have to normalise the fact that we will be attracted to people other than our partner.
    0:46:48 No one wants to talk about that. No one wants to talk about, you know, it’s just my partner. That’s it. I’m not looking at anyone else, right?
    0:46:49 Are you attracted to other people?
    0:46:51 Oh my, Steven, come on man. Are you?
    0:47:08 Absolutely, absolutely. And not only that, and there are different forms of attraction. You know, there’s physical, there’s sexual attraction, there’s emotional attraction.
    0:47:16 But to your question of what do you do if you’re level one in your relationship is you start with these baby steps.
    0:47:30 So Jill and myself, we had to start around this topic of attraction because I had a very hard time just thinking about my wife being attracted to someone else.
    0:47:40 I couldn’t fathom it, the jealousy, the anxiety, the anxiousness. I have an anxious attachment style. So it just, it was just fear, right?
    0:47:52 And there are many different things that you can do, but I’ll give two. One is that you just have to normalise that these behaviors are a part of our human experience.
    0:48:02 Well, all have physical attraction. Some of us will have sexual attraction. Some of us will have emotional attraction to people who are not our partners.
    0:48:12 If anyone denies it, they are lying, okay? This is one. We have to normalise this. We normalise it, then we begin having conversations around it.
    0:48:23 So what my wife and I did around this, and she will hate me for saying this, but I wrote this in the book, so it’s cool, is we started talking about celebrities.
    0:48:40 Easy, low level way. People who are arm length distance. Who do you find attractive, blah, blah, blah. I saw that my wife, as does I think 99.999% of women and men, loves Idris Elba.
    0:48:50 She’s like, Idris is it. To the point where I was like, will you leave me for, I think she will leave me for Idris Elba. It’s like, she will definitely leave me for this man.
    0:49:08 But we begin having conversations around it. It becomes a bit of a joke, right? It is embedded in our, in the normalisation of it, and then I begin to do what I call taking my thoughts to court.
    0:49:17 Take your thoughts to court, right? Whereas I would identify, okay, what is the issue? What’s the emotion?
    0:49:27 It’s actually fear. If Jill’s talking about someone else, she was with, it was fear. But then I, then I, then I draw on that fear. What am I in fear of?
    0:49:42 I’m in fear of her, of her leaving me. She’s just going to leave me, right? But then take that thought to court. What are the facts that can, that, that, what are the facts that I have to support or discredit those feelings?
    0:49:51 Well, I’ve been with Jill for 20 plus years, right? She has never, we have a high level of satisfaction. It’s normal to have attraction, right?
    0:50:10 So you take your thoughts to court, and then you can begin to recalibrate your perspective on the thing. So it gets to the point where do you know that every anniversary Jill gets the biggest bouquet of flowers from Idris Elba?
    0:50:25 I write, love Idris Elba. So I’m writing this. So I’ve now, it’s now, it’s moved to a point where I couldn’t even stand this idea to now it’s, it’s so normalized.
    0:50:33 It’s jokes about it. So, so it’s very important for us to normalize, have these conversations, take our thoughts to court.
    0:50:43 And if we are, and we have to realize this, and I wrote about this in the book, is that it is also healthy to have doubts about your relationship.
    0:50:53 We’re told that if you’re in the greatest relationship, if you found your soulmate, you should never have doubts. Myth, myth, right?
    0:51:08 It’s healthy to have doubts, but there are healthy doubts. There’s unhealthy doubts. If it is a doubt that is about the growth of your relationship, that’s healthy to express that.
    0:51:28 If it is a doubt that is predicated in your own fear or your anxieties or your traumas, that’s unhealthy. So to know that informs, you know, how Jill and I have tackled that idea of let’s normalize the conversation.
    0:51:33 Is this a healthy doubt? It is. Let’s build this into our relationship.
    0:51:42 So, Jill, so I know Jill adores Ija Selba, and she knows I will leave her for a Beyonce.
    0:51:44 Yeah, I mean, that’s fair.
    0:51:53 Yeah, I just, I can just imagine that I’ve got a certain type of listener who is more, how would you word it?
    0:52:08 Advanced in terms of the like belt, you know, when I talked about white belts and black belts, more advanced in their curiosity, their intrigue, their willingness to like develop and evolve in the relationship.
    0:52:17 I would bet, and this is stereotyping, I understand, that it’s typically women more than men that are like more open minded to like learn to grow to deepen the bond.
    0:52:23 I think it’s typically women more than men. I would hazard a guess that it’s more women buying your books than men.
    0:52:24 Yes.
    0:52:34 And I would hazard a guess that when I make conversations about love and relationship, it’s typically not always because I can kind of see the numbers, but typically more women that are trying to learn to deepen their relationships.
    0:52:41 So I imagine there’s a certain person in my audience that sat there thinking, I want to do this, I want to have these conversations with my partner.
    0:52:45 I want to take down some of these walls and start talking about the lack of orgasms I’ve had in the last couple of years.
    0:52:53 I want to talk about X, Y and Z, but I know if I bring this conversation up to Dave, Dave’s going to like think I’m weird.
    0:53:04 He’s going to like roll his eyes and like put the football back on and I feel a sense of dissatisfaction in this relationship, but because we just don’t have a bridge of communication, I feel like I’m faced with a choice now.
    0:53:13 Do I just leave this guy or do I just stick, tolerate it and put up with this and that like first step to bridging the gap.
    0:53:19 What is it? Do I turn the football off and scream at him? Do I send him the link to this podcast? I think that’s probably the best option.
    0:53:26 I think it’s just keep sharing the podcast. I think sharing the podcast with everyone you know, I think is probably the, I’m joking.
    0:53:29 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
    0:53:31 Because I’m offered.
    0:53:35 I was like, this is it, but…
    0:53:37 I thought he was really pushing this one.
    0:53:39 He said it five times.
    0:53:42 I had the link.
    0:53:45 Truly, this is the first step.
    0:53:48 So say it’s Lottie and Dave.
    0:53:49 Yeah.
    0:53:58 Okay. Lottie’s listening to us right now and she wants to deepen her emotional connection with her partner Dave. What does she do?
    0:54:06 She sends Dave a link to this podcast and she says, let’s listen to this together.
    0:54:08 Let’s have a date night. Let’s listen to this together.
    0:54:11 And let’s just talk about what’s happening.
    0:54:16 You know what I’ve noticed with one of the shows that I co-host, Married at First Sight UK?
    0:54:21 What I’m so proud about is I’m stopped all the time by men.
    0:54:28 And they’ll say, Paul, I watch your show with my partner.
    0:54:31 And our kids watch it as well.
    0:54:33 And we debate what you’re saying.
    0:54:37 And sometimes we disagree with you, but sometimes we agree with you.
    0:54:56 And I think this is what we need because just talking about it and having the conversation around it helps to contribute to awareness, which puts you on the path to developing skills, which then allows you to begin to heal.
    0:54:58 And ultimately, that’s what therapy is.
    0:55:00 Therapy is healing.
    0:55:09 So having the dialogue based on this podcast, based on a book, based on a television show is truly not just a first step.
    0:55:13 That’s a significant step towards your black belt.
    0:55:16 I am thinking about the history of relationships.
    0:55:24 I often wonder how many of the rules of relationships that we’ve been handed by society are now invalid or maybe when they’re valid.
    0:55:34 So, you know, we have these sort of constructs of like marriage and monogamy and even like heterosexuality, all these things that have been passed to us through religion and through history.
    0:55:43 I was looking at some stats about marriage and it says that in 2019, marriage rates for opposite sex couples fall to their lowest on record since 1862.
    0:55:44 That’s in the UK.
    0:55:49 And in the US, marriage rates have been declining since the early 1970s.
    0:55:54 I’m not married, but I spend a lot of time thinking about whether I should be or not.
    0:55:57 I actually had a conversation recently with my partner where I said, do you want to get married?
    0:56:00 And it was abundantly clear that she does want to get married.
    0:56:11 But then I asked why and really it seems like it was really just more for the wedding than for some kind of legal contract that we signed with the government.
    0:56:21 So I’m really wondering, based on everything we know about history and the trade-offs of marriage, should I be getting married?
    0:56:23 Yes, because your partner wants to.
    0:56:25 Is that reason enough?
    0:56:40 All right, so I think the institution of marriage, what you’re going to see, this is my prediction is that because nuclear families.
    0:56:42 What do you mean by nuclear family?
    0:56:44 Well, it’s interesting.
    0:56:55 There’s different perspectives now on nuclear family, but I look at it as you have two partners and children, and that creates the nuclear family.
    0:57:01 That becomes an economic unit which drives a society.
    0:57:11 And as that has disappeared, there’s been less of a base to drive society per many researchers.
    0:57:26 So as a result, what I believe is going to happen as we see right now in Singapore, as we see right now in China, as we see right now in Japan, you’re going to see government heavily involved in incentivizing marriage.
    0:57:39 And marriage is already incentivized right now in terms of tax benefits, being able to leave assets to your partner or leave assets to family members.
    0:57:49 So as a result of the decrease of marriage and decrease of nuclear families, you will see government step up even more to incentivize.
    0:58:04 So you’re going to see all types of benefits being thrown at people to get married, especially as you not only see marriage rates decline, but as you also see birth rates declining as they are.
    0:58:18 Now, your question around what should you do is that this is a question around values, and this is a question that I believe is very important to have early on.
    0:58:24 Now, I was saying, you know, when you meet someone, you should lay out exactly what you want.
    0:58:28 This is a very important question to have early, early on.
    0:58:43 Now, in terms of where you are with your partner, I would say that if she is for, if she’s pro this, and you are indifferent, sounds like it feels like you’re indifferent, not anti, but indifferent.
    0:58:48 Yeah, I think I’m, I’m somewhat agnostic to it.
    0:58:53 However, I can call out a bunch of downsides to getting married.
    0:58:54 Really? Like?
    0:58:56 Well, again, I don’t know, because I’m not married.
    0:58:58 So all the married people are like screaming at me.
    0:58:59 I know this because they DM me.
    0:59:06 They’ve been DMing me for many, many years since I started the Diary of a CEO, because in some of those early episodes, I was really like, not, I was really quite against it.
    0:59:09 But over time, I’ve kind of developed my thinking here.
    0:59:24 I just wonder, I can’t understand the first principles as to why having a like government or religious contract with somebody is going to increase the probability of success in the union of love.
    0:59:27 There’s obviously the issue with the prenup situation.
    0:59:29 I actually don’t have this concern with my partner.
    0:59:33 So I think she’s, I think you’ve met, you’ve met, yeah.
    0:59:34 Oh, yeah.
    0:59:35 From a distance.
    0:59:36 Yes, from a distance.
    0:59:41 I don’t have a concern that she’s going to try and bankrupt me or that I might try and bankrupt her.
    0:59:44 So that’s not really a concern.
    0:59:48 The whole charade of like doing a massive wedding, I think is a little bit weird.
    0:59:55 I think why can’t we just have lots of events over the next 50 years where we bring our friends and family versus like one.
    0:59:58 I’ve also watched a couple of my friends at the moment who are getting married.
    1:00:07 They’re like two years of pain and heartache and like cancelling date nights so that they can afford this one wedding day feels like highly logical to me.
    1:00:15 We’ve got one particular friend who is having to cancel so much for their like everyday joy to save up for this one big event, which is stressing them both out.
    1:00:20 And I don’t think they’re going to have, well, I don’t think he’s going to have a great time at the wedding anyway, because he seems so stressed by it all.
    1:00:33 I just I sometimes hear that people can’t like get out of their marriage without having to like file a divorce thing with like the with through lawyers and going to court and battling out in court.
    1:00:37 I just think you should be free to leave if you want to leave.
    1:00:41 I don’t know. I just think this is a terrible analogy and completely unrelated.
    1:00:52 But like in football, many of the problems we see with my favorite club Manchester United at the moment is we’ve got people on five year contracts who we just can’t get rid of.
    1:00:56 And like they want to go, we want them to go because we signed these long contracts with them.
    1:00:57 It’s like incredibly difficult.
    1:01:05 And now these players are being like thrown in the back room and they’re not playing football and we’re like just completely ignoring them because we can’t get out the contract.
    1:01:06 Yes.
    1:01:07 So I don’t I just think.
    1:01:08 Yeah, I hear you. I hear you.
    1:01:09 All right. Can we talk about this?
    1:01:10 Yes.
    1:01:11 All right.
    1:01:19 There are many secular marriages so you don’t have to do anything religious related.
    1:01:26 And it sounds like a big difficulty that you have could be the number one is the wedding.
    1:01:34 Because but the wedding to me, the premise of it is a public declaration of your love.
    1:01:39 And to your point, it could be as small as you want, it could be as big as you want, you could have as many as you want.
    1:01:40 Right.
    1:01:43 That public declaration could happen 50 times over 50 years.
    1:01:44 It is up to you.
    1:01:51 So that is you and your partner navigating that space with regard to getting out of it.
    1:01:57 This is the single biggest change that we need in marriages.
    1:02:01 Marriages, in my opinion, should be much harder to get into.
    1:02:06 You shouldn’t be able to like literally in your partner, go to Vegas, drive up.
    1:02:12 So a drive through, you could have an Elvis Presley impersonator marry you.
    1:02:16 You pay $25 and you’re married.
    1:02:17 It’s ridiculous.
    1:02:23 I think that there needs to be hurdles in place.
    1:02:29 There needs to be some type of vetting, some type of premarital coaching counseling.
    1:02:34 So everyone is aware of the commitment that is about to be made.
    1:02:38 And you have the tools, you have skills around conflict management, et cetera.
    1:02:40 It needs to be hard.
    1:02:45 But then if you want out, you should be able to get out in an hour.
    1:02:46 It should be easy.
    1:02:50 Drive up Elvis Presley says it’s over $25.
    1:02:51 Free.
    1:02:52 Yeah.
    1:02:53 Free, right?
    1:02:54 That’s the way it should be.
    1:02:58 But it is the reverse.
    1:03:00 Now you’re right.
    1:03:01 Marriage is hard to get out of.
    1:03:02 That’s changing.
    1:03:06 There’s now the introduction especially in the UK of the no fault, right?
    1:03:09 But that still takes, it still could take six months or so.
    1:03:11 There still is a lot of haggle.
    1:03:16 So I agree with you there is that it should be much easier to get out.
    1:03:25 But ultimately what marriage is, is marriage is a declaration of commitment done in a formal way.
    1:03:28 Can you not do that without the marriage?
    1:03:35 Can you not do a declaration of commitment without having to go to like a church or whatever else and sign documents and stuff?
    1:03:36 I don’t know.
    1:03:37 Is it not possible?
    1:03:38 It is.
    1:03:39 You know.
    1:03:40 It is.
    1:03:42 I think I just have commitment issues.
    1:03:43 I think that’s probably what it is.
    1:03:44 Yeah.
    1:03:45 I think that’s at the core of it.
    1:03:50 Because you know what’s so interesting to me is that you’re already going to, well, how do I get out of this?
    1:03:51 Yeah.
    1:04:00 And it almost feels as if there is a fear of committing to someone for the rest of your life.
    1:04:01 Yeah.
    1:04:03 Because that’s a massive, I mean, think about this.
    1:04:08 You’re going to commit to someone for the rest of your life, for the rest of your days.
    1:04:11 And what we feel, because I’ve been there, because when I…
    1:04:13 I’m getting anxiety as you say it.
    1:04:15 I’m like, “Fucking hell, the rest of my life.”
    1:04:17 The rest of your life.
    1:04:24 But think about this, the anxiety is the fear of what has not even come yet.
    1:04:29 So that means that you can now interrogate your thoughts.
    1:04:30 Okay.
    1:04:33 You have fear over what?
    1:04:35 What’s the fear?
    1:04:40 But isn’t it just a terrible idea to commit to someone till death do you part?
    1:04:45 Because like imagine if I said to you, you’ve got to pick a job and then you’ve got to do it forever.
    1:04:46 Yes.
    1:04:51 The amount of procrastination that would occur because of the significance of that decision
    1:04:55 would basically stop you picking any job at all because you’d be like, “I’ve got to pick one and do it forever.”
    1:04:58 And you’d become a perfectionist.
    1:05:01 You’d be looking for perfection in every single job.
    1:05:07 And maybe this is in part the issue is that because we see marriage as being such a final thing
    1:05:11 that we really have to make sure the pick is perfect.
    1:05:12 It’s perfect.
    1:05:13 I agree.
    1:05:14 This is one of the myths, right?
    1:05:20 This whole notion of till death do us part, which really was handed to us in religion.
    1:05:28 If you look through Christianity, Hinduism, even a lot of the modern day Islamic marriage ceremonies,
    1:05:32 there’s some formation of you will be with this partner for the rest of your life.
    1:05:37 And I think what that does is it actually sets us up for a lower level of satisfaction.
    1:05:39 It sets us up for complacency.
    1:05:41 Oh, this is all we get.
    1:05:42 Instead–
    1:05:43 They can’t leave me.
    1:05:44 They can’t leave me.
    1:05:46 So therefore, I don’t have to try as hard.
    1:05:47 I don’t even have to talk to them now.
    1:05:48 Yeah.
    1:05:49 I don’t have to get to the gym.
    1:05:50 No.
    1:05:51 I can just sit here.
    1:05:57 So that is a myth, though, because we know where divorce rates are, separation rates
    1:05:58 are.
    1:06:01 We know that there are– you can get a divorce.
    1:06:02 So you can get out.
    1:06:03 She can get out.
    1:06:05 We have to put that to the side.
    1:06:12 But the key is to think about when I was interrogate the fears is, well, what’s the upside?
    1:06:16 What’s the upside of having a partner for life?
    1:06:18 What would you say, upsides?
    1:06:21 I mean, I could also name the upsides, I think.
    1:06:28 So there’s a certain sense of stability and focus that comes when you know that home is
    1:06:29 kind of locked down.
    1:06:34 So as an entrepreneur in particular, I advise anybody that’s going to pursue a big, grueling,
    1:06:38 tumultuous, uncertain challenge like building a business to have a partner at home.
    1:06:40 And I know Sir Alex Ferguson was big on this.
    1:06:43 When he was selecting players for Manchester United, he would often inquire about whether
    1:06:44 they were in a relationship.
    1:06:48 Because if they had a stable home life, then they would be much more focused on the training
    1:06:49 ground.
    1:06:50 And I see that with myself.
    1:06:52 You need a stable base.
    1:06:56 If you’re single, I think, as an entrepreneur, it can become an immense distraction.
    1:06:57 An immense distraction.
    1:06:59 Because on one hand, you’re trying to build something over here.
    1:07:01 And you’re trying to build something over here.
    1:07:07 I think marriage is useful as well, because when you know that it’s hard to get out of,
    1:07:13 it means that exiting isn’t the path of least resistance, which means that you probably
    1:07:14 will go to therapy first.
    1:07:18 And you probably will see if you can fix it and figure it out versus just throwing it away.
    1:07:19 Yes.
    1:07:25 So it becomes less disposable, which means that you’re more likely to fight to fix the thing.
    1:07:31 And what are the other upsides?
    1:07:32 I mean, the stats, right?
    1:07:38 So the stats around health and wealth all suggest that if you’re in a good, productive, healthy
    1:07:39 relationship, you’re going to earn more money.
    1:07:44 I think it’s 4% more a year in a productive marriage.
    1:07:47 Both partners net earn 4% more a year.
    1:07:51 And according to Robert Weldinger, who came on the show, you’re going to live longer.
    1:07:52 So I get it.
    1:07:53 And you’ll be healthier.
    1:07:54 You’re going to be healthier.
    1:07:55 Yes.
    1:07:56 Less disease.
    1:07:57 Good boy, Stephen.
    1:07:59 Do you know what it is?
    1:08:01 I’m not trying to throw the marriage out.
    1:08:03 I’m wondering if there’s an alternative.
    1:08:05 Do you know what it is part of me as well?
    1:08:09 If you look at the way I’ve lived my life, I’ve always tried to test the system.
    1:08:13 So school, like not going to school, dropping out of university, being an entrepreneur.
    1:08:18 There’s always been a bit of a fuck you and me to the system and a real pause in questioning
    1:08:22 what I’m being handed as the right answer to interrogate whether it’s still valid now.
    1:08:23 Okay.
    1:08:26 So like many of the answers I was given, you go to university, then you go get a job and
    1:08:27 then you hand out your CV.
    1:08:30 All of these things proved in my life to just be BS.
    1:08:31 There was a better way.
    1:08:36 So when I am approached with a conventional system like marriage, immediately I go, hmm,
    1:08:38 let’s interrogate this thing.
    1:08:39 Yeah.
    1:08:41 And I would say I’m with you.
    1:08:43 Throw the system out.
    1:08:47 Think about just one thing and you said this and there’s research behind this.
    1:08:49 It’s the investment model, right?
    1:08:50 Theory.
    1:08:58 So the more you invest in the preparation of your partnership, in the actual partnership,
    1:09:03 the more that you’re investing time, resources, all resources, the higher satisfaction you
    1:09:04 have.
    1:09:06 That’s fact, right?
    1:09:07 That’s research.
    1:09:09 That’s in essence what you’re saying, right?
    1:09:16 So that’s the way that I would approach it is how can I invest as much as I can in this
    1:09:18 partnership with this person that I love?
    1:09:23 What is it that predicts a successful marriage in your view?
    1:09:26 Well, once again, what is success?
    1:09:30 To me, success is high satisfaction.
    1:09:35 High satisfaction has a strong correlation around well-being.
    1:09:40 Dr. Carol Riff, I think, is the OG of well-being.
    1:09:41 She doesn’t get enough credit.
    1:09:46 She created a model called the Six Dimensions of Psychological Well-Being.
    1:09:52 And in essence, if we are working to increase each one of these dimensions.
    1:09:56 So for example, one is having a vision of your life.
    1:09:58 What is that vision that you have for life?
    1:10:03 And the question, though, is do you feel like you are actively in pursuit of that vision?
    1:10:07 If you don’t feel like you know what your vision is or you’re not in pursuit of it,
    1:10:09 you’re going to have lower well-being, right?
    1:10:18 So the higher well-being that you have individually, the higher satisfaction you have in your relationship,
    1:10:20 the more successful your relationship is.
    1:10:26 Are there like fundamental qualities that I should be looking for in a good partner?
    1:10:28 Oh, yeah. I mean, there’s a million.
    1:10:35 But the core, the core that I like to write about is, and I actually, I’ll even synthesize it.
    1:10:43 You want to have a partner who is aware of their well-being and who is focused on their well-being.
    1:10:53 This is incredibly important because one of the most profound bits of research that I feel like I included in the book
    1:11:01 is that most of us believe that having alignment in the values of our partner
    1:11:08 is the most successful or is the number one determinant of having a successful partnership.
    1:11:15 We think it’s about values. We’re told it’s about values. We’re fed values, which, by the way, goes back to, you know where that goes back to?
    1:11:21 Religion. You know how? Have you heard of you need to be equally yoked?
    1:11:22 No.
    1:11:23 Oh, you haven’t heard this?
    1:11:24 No, no, no.
    1:11:25 You’re not reading your Bibles.
    1:11:26 No, I’m not.
    1:11:27 You’re starting to express me.
    1:11:34 All right. So the Bible talks about you have to have a partner.
    1:11:37 You have to find a partner who’s equally yoked.
    1:11:38 What does that really mean?
    1:11:41 Equally yoked comes from oxen, right?
    1:11:44 So two, you have one ox here, one ox here.
    1:11:45 They’re tethered together.
    1:11:46 They’re plowing the land.
    1:11:49 If they’re walking lockstep, they can plow the land.
    1:11:52 If you have one going off this way, one going off this way, you can’t plow the land.
    1:11:53 You can’t produce.
    1:11:57 So the Bible says you need to have a partner who’s equally yoked.
    1:12:02 Pastors then interpreted that over the years to be what?
    1:12:03 Values.
    1:12:08 You need to have a partner who shares your values, has the same religion, has the same
    1:12:09 accent.
    1:12:11 This is how we became regimented in class.
    1:12:16 This happened century after century after century, right?
    1:12:22 We get to today, you ask anyone on the street, we grab 10 people, nine out of 10 would say,
    1:12:24 and we said, how important are values?
    1:12:27 Nine out of 10 would say values is everything.
    1:12:29 What?
    1:12:30 Values change.
    1:12:31 They change.
    1:12:35 I value things much differently today than I did 10 years ago.
    1:12:36 Our values change.
    1:12:37 They’re not constant.
    1:12:38 We need to throw away values.
    1:12:39 Are they important?
    1:12:40 Yes.
    1:12:42 Are they the most important?
    1:12:43 No.
    1:12:49 So therefore, let’s deemphasize the focusing on finding someone who matches all of our values.
    1:12:52 Instead, well-being key.
    1:12:53 Are they focused on their well-being?
    1:12:54 That’s one.
    1:12:55 Two.
    1:12:56 Yeah, values is important.
    1:13:03 So what’s equally, if not more is, you know what, how open-minded are they?
    1:13:05 How much do they lean in?
    1:13:06 How curious are they?
    1:13:10 And then the third is, how resilient are they?
    1:13:14 Because having a relationship with anyone means tough times.
    1:13:19 So are they able to bounce back or when things get tough, do they just lay on their back?
    1:13:24 So if you have a partner who’s resilient, you have a partner who’s open-minded, you have
    1:13:28 a partner who’s focused and nurturing their well-being, you have a great partner.
    1:13:29 What about ambition?
    1:13:30 Does that matter?
    1:13:34 I think ambition is a value set.
    1:13:35 Okay.
    1:13:36 Okay.
    1:13:42 Yeah, I just wonder it, because a lot of people would say that they want that in a partner,
    1:13:47 but just by, I mean, like running the mental numbers, not everybody can be ambitious.
    1:13:51 And people that aren’t necessarily hugely ambitious also find love and keep love.
    1:13:54 When you ask them what they’re looking for, they’ll tend to have a preference towards
    1:13:56 someone who’s ambitious or goal-orientated.
    1:14:02 One of the things we talked about kind of in between the lines was how society has changed.
    1:14:07 And one of the ongoing conversations I’m dating at the moment is around how women are struggling
    1:14:11 to find compatible men, because women are more educated.
    1:14:14 I think there’s more women graduating with college degrees now.
    1:14:18 The top 10% of men seem to be having all of the sex according to some studies that I read,
    1:14:19 a lot of the sex.
    1:14:24 And then there’s this bottom 50% of men that are somewhat disenfranchised because they’re
    1:14:26 not getting the attention.
    1:14:28 They’re probably turning to things like pornography.
    1:14:31 Women are dating up into the right, I’m told.
    1:14:36 So women, I did read a study that said the majority of women are still looking for a man
    1:14:40 who’s earning more than them, but in a world of equality, which we all agree is a good
    1:14:45 thing, but women are more educated now, there isn’t enough men up into the right anymore.
    1:14:51 So there’s this sort of disparity between what women are looking for, but actually what’s
    1:14:55 available in the market potentially.
    1:14:57 These are all facts.
    1:15:08 However, we have to interrogate this data, but more so, I think we have to interrogate
    1:15:10 the narrative that’s being handed to us.
    1:15:17 I feel like the narrative that’s being handed us today is that the top 20% of men or 10%
    1:15:23 of men, they’re good, but the bottom 80% you suck.
    1:15:26 That couldn’t be further from the truth.
    1:15:31 And I think we have to acknowledge, and this is where two things could be true.
    1:15:38 One, we live in a patriarchal society absolutely, absolutely.
    1:15:43 But do we need to extend more grace to our men?
    1:15:45 Absolutely, we do.
    1:15:48 Are men lonelier than they ever have been?
    1:15:49 Absolutely.
    1:15:51 Are men confused?
    1:15:53 Absolutely, right?
    1:15:56 Are men being misled?
    1:15:57 Absolutely.
    1:16:01 Let’s extend more grace to our men.
    1:16:02 What does that mean?
    1:16:06 That means being aware that we do live in a loneliness epidemic.
    1:16:12 Being aware that less than 27% of men have a friend that they can feel is a confidant,
    1:16:18 that 0% of them now feel like they have someone who they can go to at 3 AM in the morning.
    1:16:20 It’s being aware of these things.
    1:16:23 It is saying, you know what?
    1:16:32 I can appreciate other traits and characteristics outside of how much you earn or how tall you
    1:16:33 are, right?
    1:16:37 It’s important to be able to understand, and you just asked me.
    1:16:43 I said nothing about how much money someone makes, nothing about how tall they are, right?
    1:16:49 But at the same time, what we have to understand is the narrative that is handed to about women
    1:16:57 is that all women are looking for the six foot plus CEO, right, who’s making over 100,000
    1:16:59 pounds or dollars a year.
    1:17:01 And that is also not the case.
    1:17:06 This study here says, despite advancements in gender equality, research indicates that
    1:17:11 better educated women still tend to prefer husbands who earn more than they do.
    1:17:13 That’s from the Institute for Family Studies.
    1:17:17 An analysis of online dating behaviors across 24 countries found that women are more selective
    1:17:22 than men, showing a marked preference for men with higher incomes in education levels,
    1:17:25 which again proves this up and to the right thing.
    1:17:27 But there’s just not enough men up and to the right.
    1:17:30 So there’s going to be a lot of women that are somewhat dissatisfied according to this.
    1:17:31 Yes.
    1:17:35 So the challenge, if I’m really interrogating this, is one is it’s talking about highly
    1:17:36 educated women.
    1:17:44 So we know that highly educated women are on average dating hypergamously, right, which
    1:17:46 is what you’re talking about, up.
    1:17:51 So someone who’s dating, someone who has the same or higher level of education, the same
    1:17:54 or higher level of financial resources.
    1:17:55 And why is that?
    1:18:01 Because that’s the script that society handed to women to say the only way you can survive
    1:18:06 is by finding a man who can deliver this to you, right?
    1:18:09 And I think we have to accept where it came from.
    1:18:15 It was this terrible society of, you know what, you’re not going to be safe unless you find
    1:18:17 a man who could provide.
    1:18:24 But you fast forward to today, a large percentage of highly educated women are dating this way.
    1:18:26 But that’s not all women.
    1:18:32 The other part is, yes, are women beginning to out-earn men and out-educate men?
    1:18:33 Absolutely.
    1:18:42 In certain cities, not in everywhere of the world, men on average still earn more income.
    1:18:48 So if you look at the narrative that’s handed to us, you could say, well, you know what,
    1:18:51 men on average still earn more.
    1:18:52 But my point is this.
    1:18:57 My point is that I think we all need to reevaluate what it is that we want.
    1:19:04 No longer do we need to have a partner for most of us, or should I say, this is me speaking
    1:19:07 out of privilege for many of us in the West.
    1:19:13 No longer do we need to have a partner for pragmatic reasons.
    1:19:19 If you think about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and you just divided it into three categories,
    1:19:29 you would say the bottom rung is all of our psychological and physical needs, food, shelter.
    1:19:33 Then that middle rung is belonging and connection.
    1:19:36 And the top rung is self-evolved.
    1:19:45 Self-evolved, living our best self, contributing the most that we ever could to this world.
    1:19:51 Marriage and partnership and selecting a partner was largely based on that lower rung all the
    1:19:53 way through to the 1960s.
    1:19:54 That’s like yesterday.
    1:19:56 If you think about how long we’ve lived.
    1:19:59 But it’s not evolution as well, because you see the same thing in the animal kingdom with
    1:20:02 the orangutan, which has 98% the same DNA as us.
    1:20:07 They still select for survival factors.
    1:20:17 So I think what’s interesting when you look at different mammals and the evolutionary biology is that
    1:20:23 there’s lots of similarities, but then there’s also lots of traits that are different.
    1:20:29 So it’s one of those where we have to appreciate that as homo sapiens, we are unique.
    1:20:35 And we live in a structure that we have largely created ourselves.
    1:20:38 We’re debating about the institution of marriage.
    1:20:42 Marriage didn’t exist for the vast majority of our existence.
    1:20:44 But this golden rule thing, you told me about this.
    1:20:45 Yeah.
    1:20:46 And you told me that it’s cross-cultural.
    1:20:47 Yes.
    1:20:49 So it is.
    1:20:52 And this golden rule thing, please explain it for people.
    1:20:57 But for me, that is evidence that there’s still an evolutionary component to selection for men and women.
    1:21:04 And I was reading this study that said women, almost 50% of women prefer to date only men
    1:21:09 that are taller than themselves, while only 13% of men prefer to date only women that are shorter than themselves.
    1:21:15 And another study revealed that women are most satisfied when their partner is approximately 8 inches taller,
    1:21:20 whereas men are most satisfied with a height difference of about 8 cm taller than their partner.
    1:21:26 So women clearly have a preference here, a significant amount of them, to dating a man that is bigger than they are.
    1:21:27 Yes.
    1:21:28 All right.
    1:21:29 Yes, this is so good.
    1:21:30 All right.
    1:21:31 A couple of things here.
    1:21:33 Do we have these preferences?
    1:21:34 Absolutely.
    1:21:39 A lot of this handed us through evolutionary and our biology?
    1:21:41 Absolutely.
    1:21:46 Is most of it handed to us through socialization?
    1:21:48 Definitely.
    1:21:53 Do we change as we increase our well-being?
    1:21:54 Yes.
    1:21:55 So here’s my point.
    1:22:05 If you were to go back and say Zendaya, look, you go back 10 years, say Zendaya, look, would you prefer to date a man that is taller than you?
    1:22:08 I would say there’s a good chance.
    1:22:10 She would say I would prefer it.
    1:22:12 Yes.
    1:22:14 Has that been her result?
    1:22:16 No.
    1:22:20 Does she appear to be incredibly happy and satisfied?
    1:22:21 Yes.
    1:22:22 Right?
    1:22:25 That’s from my — from my outside looking in?
    1:22:26 Yes.
    1:22:28 Why could that have been the case?
    1:22:30 Because she grew up being handed a script.
    1:22:33 She grew up the dignification of relationships.
    1:22:38 She saw the prince and how large the prince always was in comparison to the princess.
    1:22:41 She saw that the prince was able to pick up the princess.
    1:22:42 She saw all of these things.
    1:22:44 She believed all of these things.
    1:22:51 And then as she became more mature, as she realized that she doesn’t need anyone’s validation,
    1:22:58 as she understood the things and the traits that she loved, she was like, there’s Tom Holland, guys, hot.
    1:23:01 Yeah, but that is an exception, obviously.
    1:23:04 Because also Tom Holland’s got $30 million in the bank.
    1:23:07 But this does happen.
    1:23:09 But it’s the exception, isn’t it?
    1:23:10 It’s not the rule.
    1:23:11 It is.
    1:23:12 And you know why?
    1:23:13 Also, that’s the exception.
    1:23:14 And I agree.
    1:23:15 I’m with you.
    1:23:19 It’s the exception because most of us have poor well-being.
    1:23:22 Most of us have low self-esteem.
    1:23:23 Most of us do, I would argue.
    1:23:27 Most adults have low self-esteem, mid to low self-esteem.
    1:23:28 And what does that mean?
    1:23:33 It means that we need the validation of others.
    1:23:34 Right?
    1:23:37 And this is the reason why I always say it goes back to us.
    1:23:39 Do you really think this is the answer to this?
    1:23:46 Do you not believe that there’s a big evolutionary component to attraction selection preferences?
    1:23:56 Because I’m struggling to believe that society is the only reason why we pick certain people.
    1:24:04 And I do part of me wonders and slightly worries that we’ve almost accidentally inadvertently
    1:24:10 designed society in such a way where what we’re looking for no longer exists necessarily.
    1:24:14 So we have to confront this new reality that, in fact, we’re going to have to adjust some
    1:24:18 of our preferences if we are going to be happy and find what we’re looking for.
    1:24:19 Yes.
    1:24:25 I do believe that a large percentage of the decisions that we make have been handed to
    1:24:26 us genetically.
    1:24:29 So I’m with that.
    1:24:32 And I think the research suggests that.
    1:24:39 So if you have, for example, you know, I was talking to Dr. Tarris Ward and talking about,
    1:24:44 you know, a woman in the club, if she’s ovulating or not ovulating, just based on that men are
    1:24:47 going to be attracted or not attracted.
    1:24:49 Or you think about scent, right?
    1:24:53 Really, what we’re trying to do with scent, the reason why we’re turned off with scent,
    1:24:55 is that it’s genetic.
    1:25:02 It’s that if we end up mating with someone who has too close of a genetic mirror to ours,
    1:25:05 the child won’t be as strong.
    1:25:09 So we need diversification in our genetics.
    1:25:14 And we don’t realize this, but we can determine that through our scent by being turned off.
    1:25:16 It’s a whole sniff test.
    1:25:19 So does genetics play a role?
    1:25:20 Absolutely.
    1:25:21 Golden mean.
    1:25:28 We talked about golden mean, where in essence, this is women on average, loving to see wide
    1:25:36 shoulders and a thinner waist, and men on average, loving to see smaller hips, smaller
    1:25:38 waist, wider hips.
    1:25:41 Now, can people debate these concepts?
    1:25:42 Absolutely.
    1:25:44 Do they stand up?
    1:25:49 I mean, are there evolutionary reasons for these?
    1:25:56 Yes, because it speaks to being fertile for women or it speaks to being strong to protect,
    1:25:58 right, for a man.
    1:26:06 All of this does play a role, and sometimes we don’t realize how much of a role evolution
    1:26:12 has played in why and how we make decisions, which is why it’s also important, though,
    1:26:20 to understand how the society that we have created as human beings also plays a role.
    1:26:26 How we were handed, you need to have a partner who’s the same class as you.
    1:26:31 You need to, when you find your partner, that’s the person that completes you.
    1:26:34 When you find a partner, that’s till death do you part.
    1:26:36 Those pieces were handed to us.
    1:26:38 So there’s no wonder why we’re confused.
    1:26:44 We have all this evolutionary decision-making happening that we’re not even aware of.
    1:26:49 And then on this side, we have society telling us this is the person that we should have
    1:26:51 and this is the reason why.
    1:26:55 And I go back to why awareness is key.
    1:27:02 And understanding how and why we are gives us a power.
    1:27:10 It gives us autonomy over our decisions so that when you are making that decision on your partner,
    1:27:17 you can ask yourself, “Yeah, I would love to have a partner who’s over six feet,
    1:27:19 but how important is that really to me?
    1:27:22 Why do I think I feel this way?”
    1:27:26 And once you begin to have those debates with yourself,
    1:27:33 that puts you on the path to making a decision that you’re going to be more satisfied with in the long haul.
    1:27:38 I think that’s the key and I think the awareness comes from confronting both realities,
    1:27:43 which is on one hand, there are some evolutionary things that are going to make me have a bias towards a certain type of person,
    1:27:50 that has certain attributes, even if those attributes are actually not going to lead to a long-term healthy relationship,
    1:27:56 like fuck boys, like charisma and bravado and confidence is somewhat attractive,
    1:27:58 but it might not be a great husband.
    1:28:02 And then on the other hand, there is tons of things society has handed me through magazines and media
    1:28:06 that have portrayed an image of what beauty looks like that are also just bullshit.
    1:28:11 I think understanding both is the key to that sort of autonomy.
    1:28:14 Being able to say, “Actually, I understand where that’s coming from in me,
    1:28:19 but I will make a rational prefrontal cortex decision to select something else.”
    1:28:25 Some evidence of this, the evolutionary basis of attraction, comes in this idea that people who have symmetrical faces
    1:28:29 are more beautiful and more attractive across cultures. Is that true?
    1:28:33 Yes. So there are many scientists that will say, “Absolutely.”
    1:28:39 But here’s what one thing I know definitively about attraction is,
    1:28:46 attraction to someone else is largely based on your self-esteem.
    1:28:55 And this is what I mean, is that the lower your self-esteem, the more dependent you are on the validation of the public.
    1:29:02 So therefore, you will want to have a partner who is considered to be attractive.
    1:29:06 So if society, if the script is, is that symmetry is it?
    1:29:13 Or if the script is wearing this type of trainer, is it?
    1:29:17 If that’s what society is saying, then if you have low self-esteem,
    1:29:21 you want a partner to look like that because you need the validation of the partner.
    1:29:26 However, whenever you see, this is what I say,
    1:29:33 whenever you see someone who’s walking around with a partner and you think, “How did those two get together?”
    1:29:40 Chances are there’s an element, and remember, I’m not talking about one is super high income or one has super high status.
    1:29:47 I’m just talking about, you look at a couple and you say, “They look odd.”
    1:29:50 One of them could be traditionally attractive, one of them might not.
    1:30:01 Normally, what’s happened is that you have someone with high self-esteem who has no need for the public’s validation of their partner at all.
    1:30:04 I don’t think people talk about this enough, but it’s so unbelievably true.
    1:30:12 In fact, I know an individual who has a historically low self-esteem and went through a lot of stuff when they were younger.
    1:30:17 And I remember when they got into a relationship, I remember exactly where I stood in London.
    1:30:22 I remember the time of day when they turned to me, they just got into a relationship, something with a historically low self-esteem.
    1:30:27 And they said to me, “Steve, I really like her, but I’m kind of worried.”
    1:30:28 This is an exact quote.
    1:30:35 I’m kind of worried, like, if I walk into a restaurant with her on my arm, is it going to be a good look?
    1:30:44 And I remember saying to this person, like, if that’s the way you’re assessing this person, based on how they’ll look on your arm when you walk into a relationship,
    1:30:50 my God, this relationship is fucked because you’re overlooking the actual things that matter, the most important things.
    1:30:55 And this person has gone from one relationship to the next, to the next, to the next, all of them failing.
    1:31:03 And the more time I’ve spent with them, I thought to myself, like, it’s because their selection is being made through insecurity and low self-esteem.
    1:31:03 Yes.
    1:31:05 Just back to back to back to back to back.
    1:31:06 Yes.
    1:31:15 It’s not being made up based on the, like, the essence of the person, the other areas of compatibility that matter more of the long term.
    1:31:17 It’s that constant, like, surface level connection.
    1:31:18 Yes.
    1:31:24 And I think most of us are making decisions based on our self-esteem.
    1:31:26 Did you see this as a matchmaker?
    1:31:28 You know, yes.
    1:31:30 Because you’ve seen rich guys, right?
    1:31:31 Yeah, exactly.
    1:31:38 You know, I distinctly remember when I was on previously and you’d asked about, like, what was one of the most profound things that you saw?
    1:31:41 And I never had thought about that question until you asked it.
    1:31:47 And it was these men who were coming who had incredibly low self-esteem.
    1:31:50 And what it was is these were what I call late bloomers.
    1:32:00 You know, it was the guy who always felt like no one liked, you know, no one liked how they appeared.
    1:32:03 They were the, quote, unquote, “ugly duckling.”
    1:32:08 They then found the gym later in life, right?
    1:32:10 They found their mojo later in life.
    1:32:12 They were always studious.
    1:32:16 They were a bit introverted, maybe shy at the same time.
    1:32:18 And here they are.
    1:32:21 And when people walk past them, they’re like, oh my God, this guy’s a stud.
    1:32:23 Like, look at, look at this guy’s a stud.
    1:32:28 But he never thought he was a stud, nor does he think he’s a stud today.
    1:32:33 Which is why, I say, go back to doing the inner work.
    1:32:37 We would take a client like that and oppose just saying, let’s put you on a date.
    1:32:38 We can’t do that.
    1:32:44 We have to begin to work with you so that you realize how incredible you actually are.
    1:32:47 Why can’t you just check them on a date if they’ve got low self-esteem?
    1:32:53 Because, okay, we can sit them across from the most incredible match,
    1:32:57 but they won’t recognize it because they’re making decisions based on their self-esteem.
    1:33:00 So they’re making the decision that your friend made, right?
    1:33:04 How will this person look on my arm when I bring them to the Christmas party?
    1:33:08 Opposed to what’s their well-being look like?
    1:33:11 Or do we share any values, et cetera?
    1:33:19 So you can end up taking someone who could be great for you and push them away or dismiss them.
    1:33:25 Or worse, you can invite someone into your life who’s not the best place for you
    1:33:27 because of a result of your insecurities.
    1:33:28 Like a narcissist.
    1:33:34 Like a narcissist, like a sadist, like a psychopath, like a Machiavellian, right?
    1:33:38 You know, there’s a distinct group of bad people in the world.
    1:33:44 David Bus writes about this, that we have to realize they play on our fears.
    1:33:49 They understand when someone has low self-esteem, low well-being.
    1:33:50 They’re attracted to that person.
    1:33:51 Why?
    1:33:54 Because they’re better able to manipulate them.
    1:33:56 What’s our best defense?
    1:34:02 The best defense in any relationship in life is our well-being.
    1:34:07 It acts as a wall against all of the bad people in the world.
    1:34:12 And what it also does is it acts as a magnet for the great people in the world
    1:34:15 because people with high well-being and high self-esteem
    1:34:22 tend to surround themselves and understand and even attract people with high well-being and high self-esteem.
    1:34:27 Okay, so two personal case studies pop to mind in my friendship group
    1:34:29 that I’m aware of, people that I’m aware of.
    1:34:32 They are approaching their 40s.
    1:34:35 They would both probably say that they had low self-esteem.
    1:34:39 They don’t feel like they got the time pool to figure out their self-esteem
    1:34:42 because in both situations, they’re like, “I need to find someone.”
    1:34:45 And they’re in a bit of a rush, I’d say.
    1:34:47 One of them is a male, one of them is a female.
    1:34:50 Now, what would you say to both of those people?
    1:34:53 Approaching their 40s feel like they’re in a bit of a rush.
    1:34:56 One’s sort of contending with a biological clock.
    1:34:59 The other just is contending with like social comparison.
    1:35:04 All of his friends are in relationships and settling down and he’s still single.
    1:35:06 Both fundamentally have low self-esteem.
    1:35:12 So the way that they’re trying to solve this problem is they’re trying to get blow-dries
    1:35:16 to make themselves look pretty on the external to attract people in
    1:35:20 and dating as many people as they possibly can to try and find someone as soon as possible.
    1:35:21 Yes.
    1:35:26 I would tell them, “You haven’t even lived half your life yet.
    1:35:29 You have plenty of time.”
    1:35:30 Period.
    1:35:32 But I’ve got a biological clock over here.
    1:35:33 You know what?
    1:35:35 I understand that.
    1:35:37 But you know what’s worse?
    1:35:38 You know what?
    1:35:45 What is incredibly sad is that I’ve seen a large percentage of people
    1:35:47 say, “I have a biological clock.
    1:35:49 I want to have a child.
    1:35:53 So therefore, I’m just going to have a child with anyone.”
    1:35:55 What happens?
    1:35:56 What happens?
    1:36:04 What ends up happening is it ends up becoming an incredibly difficult scenario to manage
    1:36:08 because you now are in a partnership with someone who you don’t like.
    1:36:09 You don’t feel safe with.
    1:36:11 There’s no emotional connection.
    1:36:14 They create stress on you.
    1:36:18 They end up not being apparent to the child.
    1:36:22 That stress leads to other issues that you may have like autoimmune disease.
    1:36:25 You end up not being able to show up as your best self for the child.
    1:36:34 The child sees this and they have a myriad of issues as a result of you wanting to beat
    1:36:36 your biological clock.
    1:36:37 I say this.
    1:36:40 I understand the desire to have children.
    1:36:41 I get it.
    1:36:45 I wanted, my wife and I tried for eight years.
    1:36:47 We went through IVF.
    1:36:48 I get it.
    1:36:52 To this day, we still pay for our embryos to be frozen.
    1:36:57 It’s like, it’s one of those where I understand the desire to have children.
    1:36:58 What age were you?
    1:36:59 Oh my God.
    1:37:04 It was probably 16 years ago when we started IVF.
    1:37:07 We were early to IVF.
    1:37:15 By the way, even before the 16 years, we had tried naturally to have a child.
    1:37:20 We went through one year of cycles, unsuccessful.
    1:37:30 We ended up losing a child, devastating, absolutely devastating.
    1:37:36 Then we then have a cycle that works, which is our first son, Kingston.
    1:37:41 Then we have a cycle that works fairly close after our second son, Liam.
    1:37:47 One of the untold stories about IVF, and I wish people talked about this more, is that
    1:37:52 you may still have eight embryos, six embryos that are still viable.
    1:37:55 We have nine embryos that are still viable.
    1:37:57 What do you do?
    1:38:00 Some people will donate them to science.
    1:38:02 Some people will have them destroyed.
    1:38:05 There’s other folks, like my wife and I, that are thinking, “These are lives that we’ve
    1:38:06 created.
    1:38:08 What are we going to do?”
    1:38:11 We have paid to store them.
    1:38:17 Every month, since we began our cycles, we have paid to store them.
    1:38:23 Some people have told me that there are limitations in certain countries around how
    1:38:26 many years you can actually store your embryos.
    1:38:33 It’s such a grueling decision to have to make.
    1:38:37 It’s one that we made.
    1:38:40 I understand the desire to be a parent.
    1:38:42 I fully do.
    1:38:46 How old were you in jail when you decided to do IVF?
    1:38:48 I say this because you said 16 years ago.
    1:38:49 You look about 30%.
    1:38:50 Yeah.
    1:38:51 This is the thing.
    1:38:53 I was like, “Well, how old are you?”
    1:38:56 What a lot of people don’t realize is this year, 50.
    1:38:58 So you were about 34, 35?
    1:38:59 Yeah.
    1:39:02 I would say I was about 30.
    1:39:03 Yeah.
    1:39:04 I was mid-30s.
    1:39:05 And jail was same?
    1:39:07 Mid-30s, okay.
    1:39:10 And you were trying for eight years?
    1:39:13 Quite honestly, we had been trying.
    1:39:18 We got married when I was 25.
    1:39:23 We started trying shortly thereafter
    1:39:27 because I’ve always wanted to be a father, always.
    1:39:31 And so very quickly after we got married,
    1:39:35 we thought children is us.
    1:39:36 We’ll have it.
    1:39:38 And it just doesn’t happen that way.
    1:39:43 And what we began to see is that one of the challenges
    1:39:48 was around the stress that we had in our lives
    1:39:52 and how we were unhealthy as a result of the stress
    1:39:56 and the impact that was having on our inability
    1:39:58 to have children.
    1:40:01 Did it cause a strain on your relationship
    1:40:04 when you went through these struggles with fertility?
    1:40:05 Absolutely.
    1:40:09 You feel like, you know, the script that I felt was handed to me,
    1:40:14 and this was a script, is that you’re a man
    1:40:17 and if you can’t have a child, you’re not a man.
    1:40:18 That was the script.
    1:40:21 That was literally, I remember being at the barber shop, right?
    1:40:22 When I had hair.
    1:40:24 When I used to go to the barber shop.
    1:40:27 And that was the idea.
    1:40:28 You know, you’d have the guy who was like,
    1:40:30 “I’ve got eight kids,” you know?
    1:40:34 And as a result, I’m the manliest man in the room.
    1:40:36 And I would leave thinking,
    1:40:39 “Oh my God, I can’t even have a child.
    1:40:41 What’s the issue?”
    1:40:42 And then you begin to think,
    1:40:47 “Okay, you know, what are all the factors?”
    1:40:49 And you begin to go through the test
    1:40:51 and you begin, to your point, and you’ve already done this,
    1:40:54 is you see there’s a multitude of issues.
    1:41:00 And for some people, they’re incredibly fertile
    1:41:04 and it takes, boom, pregnant, eight times.
    1:41:07 But for others, and I’m in the others,
    1:41:12 it takes years, you know?
    1:41:16 But I will say this, and this goes back to the investment theory.
    1:41:22 The more that we invested in the pursuit of having children,
    1:41:24 the more the desire increased,
    1:41:30 and then now the level of cherishing our boys is on a whole…
    1:41:34 I think because of that experience is on a whole other level.
    1:41:37 I can imagine it really tears relationships apart,
    1:41:39 this issue of fertility in children,
    1:41:41 especially if the results come back.
    1:41:44 I was super scared when the sperm analysis came in
    1:41:46 and they sent me the email with the password on it.
    1:41:49 I was like, “Oh my God, imagine if I open this document now
    1:41:52 and it says that my sperm are not good.
    1:41:54 She’s going to leave me.”
    1:41:56 That’s what you kind of think.
    1:41:58 And I’m sure she might have felt the same way.
    1:42:01 I think it’s out in her that said if her results came back
    1:42:04 and it was bad, then maybe I would leave or something.
    1:42:08 Obviously I wouldn’t, but I’m sure it tears a lot of families apart,
    1:42:12 a lot of relationships apart, these issues of fertility.
    1:42:22 Yes, and that’s why it’s so important for us to spend more time
    1:42:27 in determining whether or not we feel like we have the right partner.
    1:42:30 Before we decide to commit to them,
    1:42:33 before we decided to have children with them,
    1:42:35 which is a massive decision,
    1:42:39 before we decide to move house or move into a house,
    1:42:49 our partner is often life or death for us,
    1:42:51 the selection of our partner.
    1:42:56 The selection of our partner is, I truly believe,
    1:43:00 the most important decision that we will have
    1:43:03 because of all these things that it dictates that we’ve talked about.
    1:43:07 So having more emphasis on who that partner is
    1:43:11 and the dialogue up front is so incredibly important.
    1:43:13 You think about this.
    1:43:22 The Gottmans, they talk about how 69% of problems in a relationship
    1:43:24 will never be resolved.
    1:43:27 69%, never be resolved.
    1:43:28 That’s scary.
    1:43:29 That’s scary.
    1:43:30 What does that mean?
    1:43:32 That means that you have to learn how to manage it.
    1:43:34 So that means that you have to have a partner
    1:43:38 who has superior conflict management skills and so do you.
    1:43:42 If your partner doesn’t have that,
    1:43:44 you are in for a world of hurt.
    1:43:46 Wouldn’t it be great to have determined that
    1:43:48 before you decide to have a child with someone?
    1:43:50 Because once you have a child,
    1:43:53 the level of conflict is going through the roof.
    1:43:58 I had some stats that show that in terms of mental health,
    1:44:01 the study published in Nature showed that unmarried individuals
    1:44:05 have a 79% higher risk of developing depression
    1:44:07 compared to their married counterparts.
    1:44:08 Maybe one should get married.
    1:44:11 But also research indicates that strong social connections
    1:44:14 like a romantic relationship can increase longevity significantly.
    1:44:17 And a comprehensive study analyzing 43 data sets revealed
    1:44:20 that the quality of one’s romantic relationship
    1:44:24 is a significant predictor of overall life satisfaction.
    1:44:26 High relationship satisfaction correlates
    1:44:29 with increased happiness and well-being.
    1:44:31 And the stats go on and on and on and on.
    1:44:35 Even financial implications, which is quite staggering.
    1:44:37 This is a bit of a different question,
    1:44:39 but we talked a second ago about self-esteem
    1:44:42 and how if someone came to you in your matchmaking days
    1:44:44 and they were like keen to form and find love,
    1:44:45 one of the first things you’d say is like,
    1:44:47 “We need to work on the self-esteem.”
    1:44:51 But if a man comes to you and they are…
    1:44:53 Let’s say you’re one of your sons.
    1:44:54 -Okay. -Kingston?
    1:44:56 -Is that your oldest? -Yes, it’s my oldest.
    1:44:58 -Kingston goes, “Dad, listen,
    1:45:02 what should I be doing to increase the probability now
    1:45:05 that I find and keep a partner?
    1:45:08 What work can I do on my own now?
    1:45:11 Like, do I need to hit the gym? Do I need to read a book?
    1:45:13 What do I need to do? Do I need to go out and earn money?”
    1:45:15 -Great question. -And I want the honest answer
    1:45:17 that you would say to Kingston when no one’s looking.
    1:45:18 You know what’s wild is,
    1:45:20 I’ve already started talking to Kingston about this.
    1:45:21 -Okay. -‘Cause we work out together
    1:45:22 on the weekends.
    1:45:24 And I’m shocked at how strong he’s getting.
    1:45:25 He’s 14.
    1:45:28 All the time, I tell him,
    1:45:33 “Kingston, King, surround yourself with great people.
    1:45:35 That’s it. Surround yourself.
    1:45:38 Put yourself in proximity
    1:45:40 to people who have healthy relationships,
    1:45:43 to people who have high satisfaction in their relationships.
    1:45:45 It’s no different than in business.
    1:45:47 You want to succeed? Surround yourself with folks
    1:45:48 who are succeeding in business.
    1:45:50 You surround yourself with those people.
    1:45:54 And what you begin to do is you begin to observe their habits.
    1:45:56 You see their skills.
    1:45:59 You adopt their habits. You adopt their skills.
    1:46:03 You understand where the boundaries should be.
    1:46:06 What is a healthy doubt? What is an unhealthy doubt?
    1:46:08 You learn all of these behaviors
    1:46:11 by simply surrounding yourself with good people.
    1:46:13 This is the key.
    1:46:15 As you guys know, WOOP is one of my show sponsors.
    1:46:18 It’s also a company that I have invested in.
    1:46:20 And it’s one that you guys ask me about a lot.
    1:46:22 The biggest question I get asked is why I use WOOP
    1:46:24 over other wearable technology options.
    1:46:26 And there is a bunch of reasons,
    1:46:27 but I think it really comes down
    1:46:29 to the most overlooked yet crucial feature.
    1:46:31 It’s non-invasive nature.
    1:46:34 When everything in life seems to be competing for my attention,
    1:46:37 I turn to WOOP because it doesn’t have a screen.
    1:46:39 And Will Armed, the CEO who came on this podcast,
    1:46:41 told me the reason that there’s no screen,
    1:46:44 because screens equal distraction.
    1:46:46 So when I’m in meetings or I’m at the gym,
    1:46:48 my WOOP doesn’t demand my attention.
    1:46:49 It’s there in the background,
    1:46:52 constantly pulling data and insights from my body
    1:46:54 that are ready for when I need them.
    1:46:56 If you’ve been thinking about joining WOOP,
    1:46:59 you can head to join.woop.com/ceo
    1:47:01 and try WOOP for 30 days,
    1:47:03 risk-free and zero commitment.
    1:47:06 That’s join.woop.com/ceo.
    1:47:09 Let me know how you get on.
    1:47:10 Myths.
    1:47:11 Yes.
    1:47:13 We’ve talked about a lot of myths today.
    1:47:17 Your book contains 21 different myths.
    1:47:19 I won’t go through them all,
    1:47:21 because I think people should buy the book
    1:47:22 and read them all,
    1:47:24 and we don’t have enough time to go through all of them.
    1:47:25 But just picking out some of the ones
    1:47:26 that really stood out to me.
    1:47:27 Okay.
    1:47:28 One of the myths that you say in your book
    1:47:32 is that more sex equals a happier relationship.
    1:47:33 Is that true?
    1:47:35 Does having more sex
    1:47:37 increase the happiness in your relationship?
    1:47:40 No.
    1:47:41 No.
    1:47:43 Now,
    1:47:47 here’s the investigation of that.
    1:47:52 Studies show that couples who have a high level
    1:47:55 of satisfaction in their relationship,
    1:47:57 they have a high amount of sex.
    1:48:00 But it’s not as a result of the sex
    1:48:02 that gives them the high satisfaction.
    1:48:04 It’s the high satisfaction
    1:48:06 that gives them the high amount of sex.
    1:48:08 So the challenge is that we have to reframe
    1:48:10 and we have to stop thinking that
    1:48:13 just because we’re having a lot of sex,
    1:48:15 it doesn’t mean that we have a great relationship.
    1:48:17 I see this happen all the time,
    1:48:18 especially on Married at First Sight.
    1:48:19 A couple sits down.
    1:48:20 The first thing they say is,
    1:48:21 “Oh, Paul, I don’t need any help.
    1:48:24 We’re having sex like rabbits.”
    1:48:27 First of all, lions have much more sex than rabbits.
    1:48:31 Secondly is that doesn’t mean
    1:48:32 you have a great relationship.
    1:48:33 The fact that you’re having lots of sex,
    1:48:35 it tells me nothing.
    1:48:41 So the myth is that if you have lots of sex,
    1:48:44 it means you have a healthy relationship.
    1:48:46 But could you be in a sexless relationship
    1:48:48 and also be extremely happy?
    1:48:50 You can, many people.
    1:48:51 Many people are in that space.
    1:48:52 You’ve met people that are like this?
    1:48:53 Yes.
    1:48:56 There are a significant percentage of people
    1:48:57 that are like that,
    1:49:00 especially as we get older.
    1:49:03 You have couples in their 80s
    1:49:05 who’ve now reached a point where
    1:49:08 the desire for sex is not there.
    1:49:10 Maybe it’s once a year.
    1:49:13 And I know everyone in their 20s, 30s, 40s,
    1:49:15 even 50s are like, “Oh, my gosh, once a year.
    1:49:16 This is crazy.”
    1:49:20 But if you have a couple,
    1:49:22 there are two different desires here.
    1:49:25 There’s one is called a spontaneous desire
    1:49:27 and one is called a responsive desire.
    1:49:30 Now, there is a gender difference here.
    1:49:33 Most men, even if you look through the ages,
    1:49:35 all the way up to 60s, 70s,
    1:49:38 they have what’s called a spontaneous desire,
    1:49:40 which means that they are ready.
    1:49:42 24/7, they could just go.
    1:49:46 They need no emotional turn on in order to have sex.
    1:49:48 They just get hard on sat there.
    1:49:53 Hard on demand pretty much.
    1:49:57 Whereas as women get older, typically,
    1:50:00 they require responsive desire.
    1:50:01 What is responsive desire?
    1:50:04 They want some emotional connection,
    1:50:06 some emotional currency.
    1:50:07 They want some safety.
    1:50:10 They want a conversation and not just one,
    1:50:14 but they want to have a buildup of that emotional currency
    1:50:17 in order for them to have a responsive desire to the sex
    1:50:18 in order to have sex.
    1:50:22 So there’s different desires when you talk about sex.
    1:50:26 And I think that more discussion needs to be had
    1:50:29 around responsive desire.
    1:50:33 And the importance of building what Dr. Karen Gurney
    1:50:36 talks about is as emotional currency
    1:50:38 to build up that connection with your partner.
    1:50:42 So emotional currency is almost like putting deposits
    1:50:44 in the bank account.
    1:50:49 If there’s an empty sexual bank account
    1:50:51 and you just go to your partner and you say,
    1:50:52 “I want to have sex.”
    1:50:53 In other words, “I want to make a withdrawal.”
    1:50:54 There’s nothing there.
    1:50:55 You’re getting nothing.
    1:50:57 Literally, you’re getting nothing.
    1:51:04 However, if you are placing deposits in…
    1:51:05 What is that?
    1:51:08 That is, I just wanted to send you a text to tell you
    1:51:10 how much I do love you.
    1:51:14 I appreciate how well you take care of the kids.
    1:51:19 I can’t wait for us to have date night tonight
    1:51:22 just to watch the movie and have wine.
    1:51:31 These deposits, hugs, kisses with no requirement of sex.
    1:51:33 I often talk about a 30-second hug,
    1:51:36 and I gave you a 30-second hug once.
    1:51:39 Why don’t you look happy about that?
    1:51:42 No, it matters, it’s important.
    1:51:43 Davina does the same.
    1:51:45 She’s a really exceptional hugger.
    1:51:46 Yes, she’s very good.
    1:51:50 So the 30-second hug, I talk about the six-second kiss,
    1:51:52 and so many people respond back,
    1:51:54 “Well, if I gave my husband a 30-second kiss,
    1:51:57 he’d think that sex is at the end of that.”
    1:52:00 No, we need to normalize these things.
    1:52:04 That’s putting emotional deposits into our partner.
    1:52:06 So then once it’s built up,
    1:52:08 then you can go make your withdrawal.
    1:52:09 Right?
    1:52:15 And so, yes, sex needs to be looked at,
    1:52:18 I think, more and more from the standpoint
    1:52:21 of responsive and spontaneous desire.
    1:52:23 Desire management time
    1:52:26 that I talk about with my friends sometimes.
    1:52:29 Should we spend more time apart in our relationships?
    1:52:31 We live in a society now, as you said,
    1:52:33 where we’re becoming more and more individualistic,
    1:52:35 which means there’s more demands being placed
    1:52:37 on our partner to be everything.
    1:52:39 Surely they’re less attractive,
    1:52:41 because if they’re our counselor, our therapist,
    1:52:43 our accountant, or our best friend,
    1:52:45 it seems like, logically,
    1:52:47 then they wouldn’t be as spicy.
    1:52:50 Yeah, if they are everything,
    1:52:52 we set ourselves up
    1:52:55 with a very high-stakes relationship,
    1:52:58 because the moment that they don’t become everything,
    1:53:00 they could be 99% of everything,
    1:53:04 but the moment they’re not 100%, we’re disappointed.
    1:53:07 But also, like, if this person is, like,
    1:53:11 my emotional support in so many areas of my life,
    1:53:16 they are my friend, they are my co-founder of my company,
    1:53:21 I wonder if the spice, you know, they say,
    1:53:23 “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
    1:53:26 I wonder if the spice is going to leave the building.
    1:53:30 The spice can, but there are other, I think,
    1:53:32 more challenging issues that can arise.
    1:53:35 And I’ll give you my example, because I fell into this, right?
    1:53:39 So, I reached a point in my marriage
    1:53:42 where my wife was everything to me.
    1:53:43 She was my co-founder.
    1:53:45 We were running a matchmaking agency.
    1:53:47 We spent nearly all of our time together.
    1:53:50 We were co-parents, right?
    1:53:53 We were — if I had a business question,
    1:53:56 a platonic question, a romantic question,
    1:53:58 I would go to her.
    1:54:01 It got to the point where I saw myself
    1:54:04 disconnecting from my social circle.
    1:54:08 I used to go to — I had season tickets to watch basketball.
    1:54:09 I would stop doing that.
    1:54:12 I stopped watching my NFL football on the weekends
    1:54:14 because it was just spending time with, you know,
    1:54:16 with Jill and the boys.
    1:54:19 And I realized very quickly that what was happening
    1:54:25 is I was investing everything into my wife and my family.
    1:54:27 And the issue is that — and this is —
    1:54:31 this is what happens with so many people
    1:54:36 is that I had no other confidence in my life.
    1:54:40 I had distanced myself from almost everyone.
    1:54:43 And the issue from that is, then,
    1:54:46 I’m bringing no value into the relationship
    1:54:48 because I have no other relationships.
    1:54:50 That’s ultimately what that means,
    1:54:52 is when you have other relationships,
    1:54:53 when you have other friendship circles,
    1:54:55 you’re learning new things.
    1:54:58 You’re bringing novelty into your relationship.
    1:55:00 You are adding spice to your relationship.
    1:55:01 I wasn’t doing any of that.
    1:55:03 That continued for quite some time.
    1:55:08 This is one of the reasons why I got involved with football here
    1:55:13 is that being involved now with a football team in England
    1:55:18 has allowed me an outlet outside of my family
    1:55:23 and even outside of my social circle that I was building here
    1:55:25 that is entirely different.
    1:55:27 It’s a different group of people —
    1:55:31 it’s a group of people who I had not come across
    1:55:33 in my walks of life,
    1:55:37 who I love and adore and learn so much from,
    1:55:39 and I have a sense of enjoyment.
    1:55:41 And because I have a sense of enjoyment there,
    1:55:45 I begin to have more purpose in my life.
    1:55:48 I begin to have more joy in my life,
    1:55:52 and the more joyful I am about my entire life,
    1:55:54 I can bring that to my relationship
    1:55:57 and help to boost that relationship.
    1:55:59 And so it’s almost like, you know,
    1:56:01 if you think about —
    1:56:04 if you’re an electrical battery, right,
    1:56:07 and you’re charging it and you are the battery,
    1:56:10 how wonderful would it be to be able to get a charge
    1:56:13 from eight sources opposed to one, right?
    1:56:15 Maybe the one is not working today,
    1:56:17 and therefore you don’t get charged up.
    1:56:21 But if you can charge eight different sources, right,
    1:56:24 it hires the likelihood of you being charged up
    1:56:27 to, you know, to live your best life.
    1:56:29 I think this is where the attachment styles
    1:56:32 comes into play again, because I think in my relationship,
    1:56:35 I’m maybe a little bit more on the avoidant side,
    1:56:37 and she’s maybe a little bit more on the anxious side,
    1:56:39 so I think there’s a desire in me to, like,
    1:56:42 space, freedom, explore, wonder.
    1:56:44 She has that too, of course, but I think I just —
    1:56:46 I have it a little bit more,
    1:56:49 so it can sometimes feel like she’s pursuing —
    1:56:50 Yes.
    1:56:52 — the quality time,
    1:56:56 and I’m maybe pursuing being on my own —
    1:56:57 Yes.
    1:56:59 — which causes this sort of dysfunction
    1:57:00 or this imbalance.
    1:57:02 I guess some couples who are both anxious,
    1:57:04 I don’t know if they get on, but —
    1:57:06 No, I mean, what happens most of the time
    1:57:10 is anxious find avoidance.
    1:57:11 Oh, okay.
    1:57:14 Yeah, so those are the two that end up matching,
    1:57:16 and it’s very important to work —
    1:57:19 for you both to work on an earned secure.
    1:57:22 And one of the best ways to do that is to surround yourself
    1:57:24 with couples who are secure.
    1:57:27 Why is it that anxious relationship attachment styles
    1:57:28 go for avoidance?
    1:57:30 You’d think they’d go for anxious, right?
    1:57:33 And we should probably pause to define
    1:57:35 what these attachment styles mean.
    1:57:36 Sure, sure.
    1:57:41 So out of Mary Ainsworth and John Bulby research,
    1:57:44 which, you know, Bulby from the U.K.,
    1:57:47 Ainsworth from Canada, the whole idea is —
    1:57:51 it was something called the Strange Situations Test,
    1:57:54 which examined the relationship that we have
    1:57:56 with our first caregivers.
    1:57:59 And those who had a secure attachment
    1:58:03 is where your caregiver was really always there for you.
    1:58:05 So in your time of need,
    1:58:09 your caregiver was always there to be of support.
    1:58:13 Anxious, which a large percentage of the population is anxious,
    1:58:16 is where your caregiver was there sometimes.
    1:58:17 Other times, they weren’t.
    1:58:20 This is very prevalent in immigration communities,
    1:58:21 first-second generation,
    1:58:23 especially second-generation immigrants,
    1:58:26 where your parent was working.
    1:58:29 You know, they’re hustling, multiple jobs,
    1:58:31 and they’re there for you sometimes,
    1:58:33 but they can’t be there for you all the time.
    1:58:34 And then you have avoidant.
    1:58:37 Avoidant is when the caregiver wasn’t there.
    1:58:41 So you had to learn to self-soothe.
    1:58:43 You end up seeing a large number
    1:58:48 of very successful business people are avoidants.
    1:58:49 Why?
    1:58:52 Because they’ve learned to be self-reliant.
    1:58:59 Anxious tend to be more of what feels to be needy, right?
    1:59:01 Secure, I’m okay.
    1:59:03 You know, I’m okay by myself.
    1:59:07 Now, why do anxious and avoidants end up matching?
    1:59:13 Because the anxious feels comfortable in pursuit.
    1:59:17 That’s our disposition,
    1:59:20 and I think I’m earning more of a secure,
    1:59:26 but my natural inclination is that I’m comfortable in pursuit.
    1:59:32 And avoidant is comfortable being pursued.
    1:59:36 Because you have an opportunity to connect,
    1:59:38 but then create the distance when you want to.
    1:59:43 So you end up seeing many anxious and avoidants come together,
    1:59:45 and it’s important to recognize that.
    1:59:47 So you’ve already recognized this,
    1:59:50 which is half the battle is the awareness.
    1:59:55 Now you can begin to develop the tools to become more secure.
    1:59:57 That’s difficult.
    1:59:58 That’s the work.
    1:59:59 It’s difficult, isn’t it?
    2:00:01 I think step one is obviously awareness,
    2:00:03 because then you can start to sort of catch yourself out
    2:00:05 and see yourself when you’re exhibiting certain behaviors
    2:00:06 and really start to question them.
    2:00:08 That’s kind of what I do now as an avoidant.
    2:00:11 When my partners like looking for attention
    2:00:16 and making those bids for attention as they call them,
    2:00:19 I observe what they’re doing.
    2:00:21 I observe how I feel about it,
    2:00:27 and I then rationalize it above both of those observations
    2:00:29 in a different way.
    2:00:31 So I’ll rationalize it as I love this person so much,
    2:00:33 and if they need some attention right now,
    2:00:35 just play the game, Steve, just give them what they want.
    2:00:38 Whereas before, I’d be like, “Why are they annoying me?”
    2:00:40 Do you know what I mean?
    2:00:41 Yes.
    2:00:43 But I have to do that every day.
    2:00:44 As many of these podcasters I’ve done,
    2:00:46 as many times I’ve heard about attachment styles,
    2:00:48 it’s still an ongoing battle.
    2:00:49 And I think this is important,
    2:00:52 because sometimes we believe that we’re fixed or cured,
    2:00:55 because we have information that we’re going to act upon it
    2:00:58 at all times, but the wiring is so deep.
    2:01:01 It is, and it is a continuum.
    2:01:05 It never ends, and to your point is this is the work.
    2:01:10 The work is that mental energy that you had to go through.
    2:01:13 You were doing this, I think Dr. Julius Smith talks about it,
    2:01:15 metacognition is really what you’re doing,
    2:01:18 having the thought about the thought.
    2:01:22 And that is tiring.
    2:01:23 It’s exhausting.
    2:01:25 To do that all the time is exhausting,
    2:01:31 but that’s the price that you’re paying to have the relationship.
    2:01:32 That’s the work.
    2:01:33 Yeah.
    2:01:34 And she’s worth it.
    2:01:35 Yeah.
    2:01:37 People that listen to this podcast will know that,
    2:01:38 like, you know, when I talk about marriage and stuff,
    2:01:41 it’s not anything to do with her in particular.
    2:01:43 In fact, she’s the person that’s made me want to get married.
    2:01:45 She’s the person that’s made me agnostic before I was against it.
    2:01:46 Now, I’m like, it doesn’t really matter.
    2:01:49 If she wants it, then I don’t really care.
    2:01:51 So I’m saying all of this in spite of the fact
    2:01:53 that I believe I’m with the perfect person.
    2:01:54 Yes.
    2:01:56 I mean, perfectly imperfect as well.
    2:01:57 Yes.
    2:01:58 As I am to her.
    2:01:59 Yes.
    2:02:01 I just couldn’t imagine ever finding anyone better.
    2:02:03 So I’m saying all of this in spite of that,
    2:02:04 just in case anyone was wondering.
    2:02:05 And I genuinely need that.
    2:02:06 Like, I wouldn’t say otherwise.
    2:02:07 I’m not saying that just for the sake of it.
    2:02:08 My friends know this too.
    2:02:10 My friends all believe and I believe that she is.
    2:02:12 There’s no one I’m ever going to find that’s better than her.
    2:02:13 Yes.
    2:02:17 A few more questions that I had.
    2:02:18 That came emerged from reading your book,
    2:02:20 which by the way is superb.
    2:02:21 Thank you.
    2:02:22 Thank you.
    2:02:23 I have to say it is published by Flightbooks
    2:02:25 and probably some kind of disclaimer
    2:02:27 for the ASA company.
    2:02:30 So that’s the hashtag I had.
    2:02:33 One of the ones that was quite provocative to me
    2:02:35 is this question.
    2:02:41 Should you keep secrets from your partner?
    2:02:43 This is big.
    2:02:45 Yes.
    2:02:47 So many people are like,
    2:02:49 “Oh, don’t say that.
    2:02:50 This is crazy.
    2:02:52 What you’re saying?”
    2:02:55 And there are quite a few studies
    2:03:00 on a concept called selective disclosure.
    2:03:01 And a matter of fact,
    2:03:05 one of I think the most provocative,
    2:03:08 compelling studies on selective disclosure
    2:03:11 looked at many, many couples.
    2:03:15 And one couple or one group was told
    2:03:19 to be entirely transparent to your partner.
    2:03:20 So tell them everything.
    2:03:24 Every issue, every concern that pops into your mind,
    2:03:25 tell them.
    2:03:27 That’s full transparency.
    2:03:29 Then the other was selective disclosure.
    2:03:31 Now, what is selective disclosure?
    2:03:33 There are rules to selective disclosure.
    2:03:37 One is that you share information that’s relevant.
    2:03:41 You share information that considers their emotions.
    2:03:44 Information that considers their boundaries.
    2:03:48 Information that acknowledges
    2:03:50 the future of your relationship
    2:03:52 that is timely.
    2:03:54 And the tone is very important.
    2:03:55 How it’s delivered.
    2:03:57 That’s selective disclosure.
    2:04:00 So this group was told to do that.
    2:04:05 What do you think happens at the end of the experiment?
    2:04:07 Everyone in the transparent group,
    2:04:08 they’ve killed each other.
    2:04:09 No.
    2:04:11 I’m just going to say, Jesus.
    2:04:12 No, no, no.
    2:04:13 They haven’t killed each other.
    2:04:16 But the group that had selective disclosure
    2:04:19 has a higher satisfaction, less conflict,
    2:04:22 more autonomy in their relationship.
    2:04:25 So it’s very important to know that what I say secret is,
    2:04:30 I’m saying you have to selectively decide.
    2:04:33 And I think selective disclosure is a concept
    2:04:36 we should spend more time thinking about.
    2:04:38 So give me an example of something
    2:04:40 that I shouldn’t say to my partner.
    2:04:41 Okay.
    2:04:45 So once again, it depends what your partner’s boundaries are.
    2:04:47 So you’ve discussed these boundaries.
    2:04:48 You know all these things.
    2:04:49 But just generalizing.
    2:04:50 I’ll give an example.
    2:04:55 So your partner always leaves the cap off the toothpaste.
    2:04:56 Always.
    2:04:58 It annoys you.
    2:04:59 It annoys you.
    2:05:00 Right?
    2:05:02 It annoys you.
    2:05:05 However, you know your partner is going through a lot of stress
    2:05:06 at work.
    2:05:08 They’re working on a new project.
    2:05:14 Is it the right time to bring up the fact that the cap annoys you?
    2:05:17 Probably not.
    2:05:19 Probably not.
    2:05:21 Here’s a juicier one.
    2:05:28 Your ex slides into your DMs and wants to congratulate you.
    2:05:30 And it’s platonic.
    2:05:33 It’s congratulations.
    2:05:35 You respond back.
    2:05:36 Thank you.
    2:05:37 That’s it.
    2:05:39 Nothing more.
    2:05:43 Look at you speaking from experience.
    2:05:45 Congratulations on your new podcast.
    2:05:47 Thank you.
    2:05:49 Thank you.
    2:05:51 Thank you.
    2:05:53 Boom.
    2:06:01 You know your partner is working through trauma around jealousy.
    2:06:05 Do you run home and say, so and so sent me this message?
    2:06:07 Probably not.
    2:06:11 Selective disclosure means that you’re taking into consideration the
    2:06:14 relevance of the information, their boundaries, their emotions,
    2:06:15 et cetera.
    2:06:18 It truly is a concept that I believe will help to increase
    2:06:21 satisfaction and lower conflict in your relationship.
    2:06:24 I think that’s super important because a lot of the narrative is
    2:06:26 just never liked your partner.
    2:06:28 And it’s interesting because all of those things you’ve said have
    2:06:30 happened to me in my relationships before.
    2:06:32 And I think that’s an important thing.
    2:06:35 It’s interesting because all of those things you said have happened
    2:06:38 to me in my relationships before where an X slides into your DMs
    2:06:40 and I’m literally sat with my girlfriend.
    2:06:42 And the X is just saying, I’ll love this or something.
    2:06:45 And you almost panic because I’m like, I don’t want to lie.
    2:06:48 But at the same time, what’s the point in me stopping this moment to
    2:06:54 say something that’s irrelevant and, you know, interesting.
    2:06:56 Very, very interesting.
    2:06:57 It’s an important insight.
    2:06:59 You’re talking there about diminishing conflict.
    2:07:02 And I am, I was recording some stuff over the weekend where I was
    2:07:04 thinking about relationships.
    2:07:07 And one of the things I’ve really come to believe over time is that
    2:07:12 the best predictor of a long-term relationship is how you are at
    2:07:13 conflict resolution.
    2:07:14 Yes.
    2:07:16 And there’s this quote that I love that I’ve never forgotten that
    2:07:20 says, you can predict the long-term health of a relationship by
    2:07:24 whether each cut heals to 99% or 101%.
    2:07:26 Does your conflict make you stronger?
    2:07:27 I love that.
    2:07:30 And then the big thing that I noticed in this relationship versus my
    2:07:34 previous relationships is there was this inbuilt natural conflict
    2:07:37 resolution system based on who we were as people.
    2:07:38 Okay.
    2:07:40 And I say that because like, she doesn’t want to shout.
    2:07:41 She doesn’t want to scream.
    2:07:42 She wants to listen.
    2:07:43 I don’t want to shout.
    2:07:44 I don’t want to scream.
    2:07:46 I want to listen, which meant that from the first moment of conflict,
    2:07:48 we were able to resolve it and move on.
    2:07:49 Yes.
    2:07:52 Whereas in previous relationships, it was like two people that were
    2:07:55 just broken records trying to get their point across at the other person.
    2:07:56 Yes.
    2:07:57 Almost trying to win.
    2:07:58 Yeah.
    2:08:00 You know, so one is, I love that quote.
    2:08:01 I love that.
    2:08:05 And what I’ve found, and I agree, our ability to, and I say, you know,
    2:08:09 I’m careful with using the word management now opposed to resolve
    2:08:15 given the research from the Gottmans around how 69% of these issues
    2:08:18 won’t be resolved, but managing the conflict.
    2:08:21 There’s two ways that we typically try to manage it.
    2:08:25 One is we try to win the argument.
    2:08:31 That is the route that is always going to lead to a low level of satisfaction.
    2:08:39 The other route is to try to gain understanding about why your partner thought that.
    2:08:44 So it’s just simply, I just want to understand, right?
    2:08:46 Should you apologize?
    2:08:47 Absolutely.
    2:08:49 Should you always apologize?
    2:08:52 All right, so here’s what the research shows.
    2:08:54 Well, I will say this.
    2:08:59 When I was writing the book, I was writing a chapter on apologies.
    2:09:06 And I go to Jill and I say, Jill, how many times a month do you think I apologize to you?
    2:09:12 And she’s like, hmm, you only apologize like every other month.
    2:09:16 So she’s saying that I apologize about six times to her per year.
    2:09:23 And I’m thinking, oh, this is terrible because the data shows the most successful partnerships.
    2:09:27 There’s an apology every week, on average, once a week.
    2:09:33 And what I realized in the trap that I fell into, and I think a lot of men fall into this,
    2:09:38 is the threshold in which we believe we should be apologizing.
    2:09:42 So something will happen in the relationship.
    2:09:46 What I need to apologize for that, it’s just like it is what it is.
    2:09:51 So for example, I mean, the trash is always a big issue in my household, right?
    2:09:54 So I’m supposed to take the rubbish out or take the trash out.
    2:09:56 And sometimes I forget, okay?
    2:09:57 I forget.
    2:10:01 I don’t think it’s apology worthy to forget, to take it out.
    2:10:04 But I realize that’s my threshold.
    2:10:12 But to my wife, that is a, I mean, there’s World War III and there’s not taking out the rubbish.
    2:10:14 So that’s a major issue.
    2:10:16 So her threshold level is different.
    2:10:23 So part of what I learned in investigating this chapter is for us to be so in tune with our partner
    2:10:28 that we understand what their threshold is and we meet them at it.
    2:10:33 I had an incident in my relationship a couple of weeks back, maybe five, six weeks ago where
    2:10:40 I didn’t want to apologize because I wasn’t sorry.
    2:10:42 Look, because I didn’t think I did anything wrong.
    2:10:43 Okay.
    2:10:46 And I think I am actually quite quick to apologize to my partner.
    2:10:47 I’ve apologized this week.
    2:10:49 I’ve probably apologized last week for something.
    2:10:50 But it was a really interesting moment.
    2:10:54 We were actually in like relationships, counseling therapy or whatever.
    2:10:57 We’ve been, since the start of our relationship, been doing this.
    2:10:59 We’ve been through like three different therapists.
    2:11:05 And I looked at the situation objectively and arrived at the conclusion that in the future,
    2:11:07 I would not have done anything different.
    2:11:11 So I arrived at the conclusion that an apology would actually be disingenuous.
    2:11:16 Like I would be apologizing for something and probably setting a new standard in our relationship
    2:11:19 that I know I can’t meet in the future.
    2:11:24 So I explained that and said, I don’t want to apologize because I wouldn’t mean it in this situation.
    2:11:26 And I wondered whether there’s any merit in that.
    2:11:31 Like, does your apology genuinely have to be sincere or are you just doing it just to keep the peace?
    2:11:35 You’re doing it only when it’s sincere.
    2:11:38 But how we’re doing it is very important.
    2:11:45 So in the research that I found, only 50% of apologies are actually effective, right?
    2:11:48 What constitutes an effective apology?
    2:11:56 There’s a system that I’ve created called ARC. A. Acknowledge. Acknowledge what happened.
    2:12:05 So for example, I am sorry that I interrupted you. Genuinely sorry, right?
    2:12:07 I’m sorry that I interrupted you.
    2:12:18 Two is remorseful. And I apologize for the fact that you may feel undervalued or not listened to as a result.
    2:12:21 That’s the remorse. And then the C is the commitment.
    2:12:34 And in the future, I’m going to try to pay more attention when we’re having these conversations so that I’m not interrupting you.
    2:12:38 Right? So this is the kind of, you know, what I call ARC method.
    2:12:46 But the idea is to make it effective, is to acknowledge what happened, be remorseful for the emotional impact.
    2:12:49 That’s the key. And that’s where I wanted to come with yours.
    2:12:54 And then C is what’s your commitment for the future. That makes it a comprehensive apology.
    2:13:02 So in your situation, perhaps what you did objectively, you would do in the future.
    2:13:06 But you are remorseful for how it made her feel.
    2:13:10 So I’ll give you some context. I was basically working on something very, very important.
    2:13:16 I was going through it and I told her previously, I’m going to be going through this thing.
    2:13:18 I need to be working on this thing. It’s very, very important.
    2:13:22 She knew the every single detail of this project I was working on.
    2:13:26 She knew the deadline. She knew the significance of it profound.
    2:13:33 And one thing I’d learned probably from doing this podcast and speaking to you was that assume people can’t read your mind to brief them.
    2:13:37 If you’re going to be a bit strange, if you’re going to be a bit focused, let them know ahead of time.
    2:13:42 So I’d sat her down and said, listen, for this period of time here, I’m going to be a bit weird.
    2:13:50 And I’d asked her to lower her expectations on me, which I think is a pretty forward thinking thing to do.
    2:14:01 And within a short period of time, we had had a disagreement, a moment of conflict, because upon like, while I was working on this thing,
    2:14:09 on the third bid for attention, I had seemingly ignored it, which caused the spiral and I hate when you ignore me.
    2:14:16 And I’d said, listen, I told you, I was, I sat, you literally sat you down night before and in the morning and had a conversation with you just to tell you what was going on.
    2:14:18 I’m not how I needed to focus on this thing.
    2:14:24 So I thought the reason why I didn’t want to apologize was because I thought I did everything I thought I was supposed to do.
    2:14:27 Like I thought I was like, let the person know, told them exactly what’s let them in on it.
    2:14:29 Let them know what was going on in my nervous system.
    2:14:31 Let them know what was going on in my mind.
    2:14:37 And we still ended up in this like situation where there was a bid for attention and I wasn’t quite there.
    2:14:41 But I literally said, I’m probably not going to be very present right now.
    2:14:42 Yes.
    2:14:45 So I thought, well, what could I have done in future?
    2:14:48 Well, like what more could I have done in that situation?
    2:14:53 So I thought maybe I shouldn’t be apologizing here because I actually don’t know what commitment I can make.
    2:14:57 So then do you just not apologize then?
    2:14:58 You just didn’t apologize.
    2:14:59 So we were in therapy.
    2:15:01 We were in like a couple’s therapy thing.
    2:15:02 Okay.
    2:15:09 So I was telling the therapist this to see what their perspective was and they kind of sided with me.
    2:15:10 Really?
    2:15:16 I think they sided with me and then my partner ended up apologizing, which is quite right because I typically think that I should apologize.
    2:15:17 Oh my gosh.
    2:15:18 Okay.
    2:15:19 Well, so I may have a different take then.
    2:15:20 Okay.
    2:15:21 Please.
    2:15:27 One is you have, you’re clear that your partner is anxious.
    2:15:28 Yeah.
    2:15:29 She knows she’s anxious.
    2:15:39 So you’re aware that as a result of her being anxious, there’s a higher level of reassurance that she is going to need while she is working on healing and becoming earned.
    2:15:40 But people never really heal.
    2:15:41 You never…
    2:15:42 I never heal.
    2:15:43 Well, you know what?
    2:15:46 Healing is continual.
    2:15:47 Yeah.
    2:15:50 The question though is can she get to a place of being secure?
    2:15:51 Absolutely.
    2:15:52 Happens to many people.
    2:15:55 So she’s in the process of evolving into secure.
    2:16:02 So while she’s evolving into secure, you have to give her that benefit of the doubt that she’s going to need a little bit more on the reassurance front.
    2:16:03 That’s one.
    2:16:23 Secondly is if you did sit her down, you explained all these things, what also could be the case, I’m not saying this is, but what also could be the case is that there’s not enough emotional deposits that she currently has in the account.
    2:16:25 I think that’s fine.
    2:16:32 So as a result of there not being enough, she’s checking in for the reassurance.
    2:16:40 So being aware of those two things, the fact that she has an anxious attachment, she’s developing secure, but she has anxious.
    2:16:44 So her threshold is higher for the need or lower for the need.
    2:16:48 And you may not have given enough emotional currency early on.
    2:16:54 It makes sense to me that she would kind of check in and there would be a bit.
    2:17:06 Now, given the fact that you’re head down, you’re focused, you acknowledge the bid, and you specifically said you chose to ignore the bid.
    2:17:07 The third one.
    2:17:09 It was the third.
    2:17:10 It was the third.
    2:17:12 It was, it was, I actually didn’t feel like I had no idea.
    2:17:15 I looked up and smiled, but she was 100 meters away from me.
    2:17:16 Okay.
    2:17:19 And she, and then I, okay, I’m going to be completely honest, okay?
    2:17:21 Because I’m, there’s no point in me bullshitting.
    2:17:22 This is good. This is good.
    2:17:29 I looked up, I smiled, and then I got up and walked across and I picked up my headphones and I came back.
    2:17:30 Oh, no.
    2:17:32 Oh, I’m so sorry.
    2:17:33 I’m so sorry.
    2:17:34 What did I say?
    2:17:35 I’m not, I know.
    2:17:36 I fucked up.
    2:17:37 No, I know.
    2:17:38 It’s worse.
    2:17:39 Yeah.
    2:17:40 It’s worse than I thought.
    2:17:43 I thought it was too, I thought it was too separate incidents.
    2:17:45 I thought it was the smile.
    2:17:48 And then I thought maybe if I put my headphones on, I could focus.
    2:17:49 No, no.
    2:17:53 You need, immediately after this, you need to go apologize.
    2:17:54 Yeah.
    2:17:56 I thought they were two separate incidents.
    2:18:01 I thought, look up, smile, and then I need to go get them headphones.
    2:18:05 Because I need to focus on writing this thing.
    2:18:06 No, no.
    2:18:11 When a bid comes through, when a bid comes through, and we know, Godman’s talk about this
    2:18:16 all the time, when the bid comes through is it’s important to affirm the bid.
    2:18:21 But this is a great opportunity to discuss what affirming a bid is.
    2:18:27 You know, what would, in that moment, what would have been enough for her to feel reassured.
    2:18:28 Have that conversation.
    2:18:35 Maybe she would have said, right before you picked up the headphones, a hug or a kiss
    2:18:36 on the cheek would have been great.
    2:18:38 I would be good, right?
    2:18:43 And so to be aware of what it means to be reaffirmed is so important.
    2:18:45 Or should I say affirmed is so important.
    2:18:51 So in this case, I would, if I were you, I would apologize.
    2:18:56 And do that investigation around what affirming means.
    2:19:00 Because everyone needs to be affirmed, you know, differently.
    2:19:01 I’ll apologize to her, I promise you.
    2:19:03 But no, it’s a good, I’ll actually, I’m seeing her tonight.
    2:19:06 So I’ll just let her know that I’ve got a slightly different perspective on it now.
    2:19:07 I love it.
    2:19:09 Let’s go for one more myth.
    2:19:10 Okay.
    2:19:11 Okay.
    2:19:12 Let’s go for two more.
    2:19:13 All right.
    2:19:15 So this one’s a prevailing one that I’ve been exposed to in my relationships.
    2:19:18 Should you go to bed angry at your partner?
    2:19:25 This is perhaps the most believed myth, period.
    2:19:29 We always hear this, just apologize.
    2:19:32 And it’s not just in romantic relationships.
    2:19:38 You know, I noticed this all the time when I was in school, when I was younger is if
    2:19:42 there was a disagreement or an argument, the teacher would say, just apologize.
    2:19:43 Right.
    2:19:46 I played football, American football.
    2:19:50 And you know, the coach would say, just, just, you know, just, just swipe it up.
    2:19:52 Like, just, just make up.
    2:19:54 Like, and you think about that.
    2:20:04 And what we’re saying is that if you appear to be in harmony, you have a great relationship.
    2:20:07 But we know that’s a falsehood.
    2:20:13 In actuality, the key is that if you are able to fully manage what is happening, be aware,
    2:20:20 acknowledge, make adjustments around the conflict, then at that point, you are living in a true
    2:20:22 harmonious relationship, in a healthy relationship.
    2:20:27 So whenever people say, oh, we got into disagreement, just make up before bed, I think that is some
    2:20:30 of the most disastrous advice you could have.
    2:20:31 Why?
    2:20:35 Because you’re going to be, like, you just get into an argument, you’re going to be entirely
    2:20:37 distressed, entirely distressed.
    2:20:39 And then what kind of response are you going to give?
    2:20:43 You’re going to give the worst qualitative response that you can.
    2:20:45 Will you reconcile what’s happening?
    2:20:46 Absolutely not.
    2:20:51 A profound study around this, researchers divided two groups of people.
    2:20:57 One group they showed distressing images to, terrible images, terrible, right?
    2:21:01 And the other group, they showed the same images.
    2:21:07 However, the second group was allowed to sleep for eight hours.
    2:21:12 At the end of eight hours, so group one can’t sleep, group two saw the distressing images,
    2:21:13 they can sleep.
    2:21:20 At the end of the eight hours, they then track the reaction to the images.
    2:21:21 What do you think happens?
    2:21:27 The group that didn’t sleep, that didn’t rest, that didn’t get regulated, they report a much
    2:21:30 higher level of distress around the images.
    2:21:35 The group that is reporting back that had sleep, they’re regulated, they’re able to
    2:21:38 look at the images differently.
    2:21:41 They’re not, it’s the same image, but they’re not as distressed.
    2:21:47 The point here is that the best thing that we can do to give ourselves regulation is a
    2:21:50 cooling off period, sleep on it.
    2:21:51 So you should go to bed angry.
    2:21:53 You should go to bed angry.
    2:21:57 And when you wake up, resolve it.
    2:22:00 The brain does wonderful things in your sleep, doesn’t it?
    2:22:04 It really helps to sort of unpack things and make sense of things and rationalize things
    2:22:08 better, but also obviously it’s regulating hormones and the brain in a way which I guess
    2:22:12 will make you make more rational decisions the next morning, not from the amygdala, but
    2:22:15 from the logic centers of your brain.
    2:22:16 Exactly.
    2:22:22 Rest is a superpower and we don’t use it enough.
    2:22:24 Last myth then.
    2:22:27 If someone cheats on you.
    2:22:28 Okay.
    2:22:31 Is that the end of the relationship?
    2:22:32 No.
    2:22:34 Or at least it doesn’t have to be.
    2:22:36 It doesn’t have to be.
    2:22:42 I’ve referred to the Gottmans a lot and I think the reason why is because, you know, they
    2:22:49 really did, starting in the 1970s, change couples therapy, right?
    2:22:56 Where couples therapy, primarily between like the 1950s and 70s, was about these interventions
    2:23:01 when your relationship was doomed and it was about to be over.
    2:23:04 So it was a last ditch effort was to go to these therapists.
    2:23:07 But the Gottmans came along and said, “No, you could build these skills.
    2:23:12 You could build these tools to help you all the way through your relationship, no matter
    2:23:13 at what stage you’re in.”
    2:23:22 But they also spend a lot of time in what I call these existential issues like cheating.
    2:23:29 And from their research, they show that 70% of people who go through their process can
    2:23:33 end up having a higher level of satisfaction.
    2:23:39 The key though is around the ability to truly forgive your partner.
    2:23:44 And what I say all the time with infidelity, whether it may be emotional infidelity or
    2:23:49 physical infidelity is go see a professional first.
    2:23:55 Especially if you’ve built what you consider to be something profound and special with
    2:23:58 your partner, they believe it’s profound and special.
    2:24:03 And in particular, they want to fight and you have an awareness for how special it is.
    2:24:09 Go see a professional because seeing a professional literally can put you back on track to have
    2:24:11 a phenomenal relationship.
    2:24:14 Question I didn’t think I was going to ask you, but I probably should ask you based on
    2:24:16 that because we’re talking about infidelity.
    2:24:19 What about digital infidelity?
    2:24:21 Only fans.
    2:24:23 Is that infidelity?
    2:24:25 Does pornography count as infidelity?
    2:24:28 Well, long story short, it depends on who you ask.
    2:24:36 Most people that I talk to qualify that as infidelity if you’re not disclosing to your
    2:24:38 partner that you’re doing it.
    2:24:48 So if you are out here on OnlyFans or a full pornographic site and you do not disclose to
    2:24:53 your partner that this is something that you do, that’s infidelity.
    2:24:55 That’s cheating, right?
    2:25:00 If it’s something that you disclose and you have a conversation about, then clearly it’s not, right?
    2:25:03 So for some people, they will say that’s still it is.
    2:25:09 In my opinion, if you are not disclosing that to your partner, it is.
    2:25:19 Reading some stats here and it says that about 80% of men view porn on their own and roughly
    2:25:28 35% of women reported to watching pornography on their own.
    2:25:38 So watching on your own without your partner having any awareness of that for many people
    2:25:45 that would be, or I believe many people would consider that infidelity.
    2:25:49 With a quarter of men reporting that they conceal their pornography consumption from
    2:25:57 their partner and nearly a third of women express concerns about their partner’s pornography use.
    2:25:58 Yeah.
    2:26:01 You know, this is why I think it’s so important.
    2:26:02 We have to normalize.
    2:26:09 It almost goes back to normalizing being attracted to people.
    2:26:14 We have to normalize this because with an attraction, there’s emotional.
    2:26:17 There’s physical and there’s sexual attraction.
    2:26:21 And we have to understand that this is a part of being human.
    2:26:23 This is what we’ve been given.
    2:26:29 And the reason why, one reason why that we hide it is because society likes to shame us
    2:26:34 and say, oh, no, once you found your partner, you should never have eyes for anyone else.
    2:26:37 And part of that is what the script that’s been handed to us.
    2:26:39 And we talked about religion having impact on this.
    2:26:45 And we have to normalize these conversations because when we do, we’ll have higher satisfaction
    2:26:52 because we’ll realize that, you know, you turn around and say, oh my God, my partner does this too.
    2:26:54 You know what I mean?
    2:27:04 So it’s incredibly important for us to normalize this concept around having a level of attraction outside of our partner.
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    2:29:12 Is it ever productive in a relationship to be overtly jealous?
    2:29:16 Like to be, babe, where are you texting? When are you coming home?
    2:29:19 Like that kind of jealousy where you’re like expressing the jealousy.
    2:29:29 So that level of overtness in your jealousy, I would say is dangerous and it speaks to your insecurities.
    2:29:34 And this is why I always say like, because that goes to doubts in the relationship and you know, there are healthy doubts.
    2:29:39 If the question is around growth of the relationship, that’s healthy.
    2:29:46 If it is about a fear based on an insecurity, that’s unhealthy.
    2:29:50 Paul, this is an exceptional book.
    2:30:00 Really it’s exceptional because it confronts some of the biggest myths that I think hold us all back from being able to keep love and in many respects find love in our relationship.
    2:30:05 So I highly recommend everybody who’s listening right now, check out the link in the description.
    2:30:07 You can get a copy of this book on pre-order.
    2:30:11 It’ll be out a week from now, roughly on the 6th of February.
    2:30:14 I believe it comes out the 6th of February, 2025.
    2:30:27 And it is the book, probably the only book you’ll need in order to increase the probability drastically that once you find that person, you will do the very difficult, maybe even more difficult thing of being able to keep that person.
    2:30:32 Because I like many people listening once upon a time thought the game was to find them.
    2:30:35 And now I’ve been in a relationship for some time.
    2:30:45 I realized that that’s actually when the work begins. And that’s what this book that debunks these 25 myths really helps us to do in a way that is so accessible.
    2:30:53 So actionable and really strikes at the heart of a lot of society’s BS to be quite frank.
    2:30:58 It’s published by Flight Books, which I probably have to say for legal reasons, which is our publisher as well.
    2:31:03 But nonetheless, I read this book and this is the reason why I wanted to speak to you today because it’s a really essential book.
    2:31:10 And there’s a lot of mass media, social media propagated myths that I think are really standing in the way of most of us.
    2:31:16 Paul, we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest, not knowing who they’re leaving it for.
    2:31:31 And the question that’s been left for you is what experience did you have around age 10 to 13, where you discovered your own power to get things done without your parents being involved?
    2:31:51 I know, right away, right away. When you said 10 to 13, I zeroed in to me in New York, in Long Island, on a bus, on a school bus, getting my head smashed in to that school bus.
    2:32:04 So I was, our family was one of the first black families to move into this all Italian neighborhood in Long Island, New York.
    2:32:10 And there were a lot of people who you would put into the bully category.
    2:32:18 And there was one person in particular that really was trying to get to me.
    2:32:23 And time after time, he would taunt me, he would say certain things.
    2:32:27 He had control. He was like the bully of the bus, and I had no friends on this bus.
    2:32:34 And he would literally sometimes, like, smash my head into the glass as he was walking out.
    2:32:39 And the bus driver would look and never stop, never say anything. And I remember that.
    2:32:44 But you know what? Every day, I got back out on that bus.
    2:32:51 And a lot of the times that he was smashing my head, it was because I would say something to him as he was walking out.
    2:32:58 Or he would be outside and I never forget, like, he would walk off the bus and I would still flick him off, right?
    2:33:03 And he would get back on the bus, smash my head in the next day.
    2:33:10 I hit him again and I learned how resilient I am. I’m a resilient guy, resilient, right?
    2:33:17 You push me down, I get right back up. Maybe not immediately, but I’m definitely getting back up.
    2:33:23 And so that was what I learned. And that was without having my parents involved. That was just me.
    2:33:26 It’s crazy how you can remember that so quickly.
    2:33:34 I love how that question was posed because it focused on the lesson from that moment.
    2:33:42 And it’s interesting because I’ve thought about that moment many times, but I’ve never thought about the lesson until this question.
    2:33:46 And so it’s empowering to look at it from that perspective.
    2:33:50 But it’s interesting because you chose an empowering lesson.
    2:33:53 Do you know what I mean? So that’s like the choice you made there.
    2:33:56 I was reading this book called The Courage to Be Disliked. I don’t know if you’ve read that book.
    2:34:04 But it basically says that what happened, the first chapter in it anyway, says that what happened to us in our past doesn’t determine our future.
    2:34:11 In fact, we choose how to take what happened in our past to serve a current goal.
    2:34:20 So that thing that happened to you on the bus, you’ve chosen to take the goal of like, it’s going to make you resilient today.
    2:34:24 And you’ve said to yourself, now I’m a resilient person because I get back up.
    2:34:32 Now, someone else could have said, they could have chosen today to adopt a victim mentality.
    2:34:37 And they could have said, I’m always the one that gets picked on.
    2:34:40 And that’s just my luck.
    2:34:45 And that would serve a current goal of an image that you want to maintain and construct today.
    2:34:49 Now, the image you want to construct is the type of person that gets back up.
    2:34:51 The power is within you.
    2:34:53 Now, that’s brilliant. It really is.
    2:34:55 Paul, thank you. Everybody, please go get this book.
    2:34:59 It’s an incredible book and probably the definitive book on this subject.
    2:35:06 And that pulls on so many different reference points from Paul’s experience as a matchmaker to a lot of the science, to the interviews you’ve now done.
    2:35:12 It’s an incredible book. Keep Love by Paul C. Branson, 21 Truths for a Long Lasting Relationship.
    2:35:13 Thank you, brother.
    2:35:17 Thank you. Thank you.
    2:35:20 Do you know that 80% of New Year’s resolutions failed by February?
    2:35:26 It’s because we focus too much on the end goal and we forget the small daily actions that actually move us forward.
    2:35:29 Those actions that are easy to do are also easy not to do in life.
    2:35:32 It’s easy to save a dollar, so it’s also easy not to.
    2:35:38 Making one small improvement each day, one tiny step in the right direction has a big difference over time.
    2:35:42 And that is the 1% mindset, which is why we created the 1% diary,
    2:35:49 a 90-day journal designed to help you stay consistent and focus on the small wins and make real progress over time.
    2:35:56 It also gives you access to the 1% community, a space where you can stay accountable, motivated, inspired, along with many others on the same journey.
    2:36:02 We launched the 1% diary in November and it sold out, so now we’re doing a second drop.
    2:36:07 Head to thediary.com to grab yours before it sells out again. I’ll put the link below.
    2:36:31 [Music]
    Bạn có nên giữ bí mật với đối tác của mình không?
    Đây là điều lớn.
    Có.
    Và dữ liệu cho thấy điều này sẽ giúp gia tăng sự hài lòng và giảm xung đột trong mối quan hệ của bạn.
    Vậy hãy cho tôi một ví dụ về những điều tôi không nên nói với đối tác của mình.
    Đây là một điều thú vị.
    Vậy…
    Còn chuyện s*** thì sao?
    Ôi không.
    Ôi trời!
    Anh ấy là người mà tôi đã nói rất nhiều từ “không” hoặc “s***”.
    Paul C. Brunson là người mai mối có ảnh hưởng nhất thế giới, người kết hợp nghiên cứu khoa học tiên phong và hơn 15 năm kinh nghiệm để chứng minh rằng bất kỳ ai cũng có thể tạo ra nền tảng vững vàng cho tình yêu lâu bền và thay đổi cuộc sống.
    Tôi đã đọc về một nghiên cứu nói rằng đàn ông có khoảng 624% khả năng ly dị nếu người phụ nữ mắc bệnh nan y.
    Có.
    Có chuyện gì đang diễn ra ở đó?
    Thường thì đó là vì có sự hài lòng mức thấp trong mối quan hệ do không đủ sex, chẳng hạn.
    Nhưng đây là một vấn đề lớn, vì 80% các mối quan hệ hiện nay có mức độ hài lòng thấp hơn bất kỳ thời điểm nào trong lịch sử.
    Và một phần của điều đó là vì hầu hết những gì chúng ta biết về việc tìm kiếm và giữ gìn tình yêu, thật không may, đã được cho chúng ta thông qua những lời dối trá.
    Hãy tạm dừng điều đó vì tôi muốn nói về những điều huyền thoại đó.
    Được rồi.
    Vậy việc có nhiều sex có làm tăng hạnh phúc trong mối quan hệ của bạn không?
    Không.
    Còn việc có nghi ngờ trong mối quan hệ thì sao? Có xấu không?
    Điều đó không thể xa sự thật hơn.
    Thật vậy sao?
    Trên thực tế, có nghi ngờ về mối quan hệ của bạn là điều lành mạnh.
    Và đây là lý do.
    Còn nếu ai đó lừa dối thì sao? Đó có phải là kết thúc của mối quan hệ không?
    Câu hỏi thông minh.
    Và khá trung thực?
    Vậy những phẩm chất quan trọng nhất mà tôi cần có ở một đối tác là gì?
    Được rồi.
    Điều này khiến tôi rất bất ngờ.
    Có ba đặc điểm để có một mối quan hệ tuyệt vời.
    Số một.
    Cái quái gì thế?
    Tôi thấy thật lý thú rằng khi chúng ta nhìn vào mặt sau của Spotify và Apple và các kênh âm thanh của chúng ta, phần lớn mọi người xem podcast này chưa nhấn nút theo dõi hoặc nút đăng ký ở bất kỳ nơi nào bạn đang nghe nó.
    Tôi muốn làm một thỏa thuận với bạn.
    Nếu bạn có thể làm ơn và nhấn nút đăng ký.
    Tôi sẽ làm việc không ngừng nghỉ từ bây giờ cho đến mãi mãi để làm cho chương trình ngày càng tốt hơn.
    Tôi không thể nói cho bạn biết nó giúp ích như thế nào khi bạn nhấn nút đăng ký.
    Chương trình lớn lên, có nghĩa là chúng tôi có thể mở rộng sản xuất, mời tất cả các vị khách mà bạn muốn thấy, và tiếp tục làm điều mà chúng tôi yêu thích.
    Nếu bạn có thể làm cho tôi một favor nhỏ và nhấn nút theo dõi ở bất kỳ nơi nào bạn đang nghe điều này, điều đó sẽ có ý nghĩa rất lớn với tôi.
    Đó là điều duy nhất tôi sẽ yêu cầu bạn.
    Cảm ơn bạn rất nhiều vì thời gian của bạn.
    Boom.
    Steven.
    Tốt khi gặp lại bạn.
    Thật tuyệt khi có mặt ở đây.
    Tôi sẽ hỏi bạn một câu hỏi mà giả định rằng tôi không biết bạn là ai.
    Điều này rất khó vì tôi biết rất rõ về bạn.
    Nhưng bạn là ai và bạn là ai để viết hai cuốn sách mà tôi đang có trước mặt?
    Tìm kiếm tình yêu và Giữ gìn tình yêu.
    Chà, tôi là ai?
    Đầu tiên và quan trọng nhất, tôi là một người chồng.
    Tôi là một người cha.
    Tôi là một người con.
    Tôi là một người anh.
    Tôi là một người anh em họ.
    Tôi là chú.
    Tôi là người hướng dẫn.
    Tôi là người được hướng dẫn.
    Tôi là tất cả những điều đó.
    Tôi cảm thấy đó là những điều tôi là đầu tiên.
    Nhưng tôi có một lịch sử lâu dài với các mối quan hệ.
    Bạn biết đấy, tôi đã trở thành một người mai mối.
    Vợ của tôi và tôi đã thành lập một cơ quan mai mối.
    Chúng tôi đã trở thành một trong những cơ quan lớn nhất tại Hoa Kỳ.
    Và điều thú vị về việc trở thành một người mai mối là nhiều người thậm chí không nhận ra đó là một nghề.
    Có những người mai mối hợp pháp.
    Tôi nghĩ có khoảng một nghìn người mai mối toàn thời gian trên toàn thế giới.
    Và những gì chúng tôi làm là chúng tôi thực sự ghép đôi mọi người với nhau để có những mối quan hệ lâu dài cam kết.
    Nhưng điều xảy ra nếu bạn thành công trong điều đó là hai người bước vào một mối quan hệ lâu dài cam kết.
    Và vì họ đã xây dựng một mối quan hệ với bạn, họ có câu hỏi về cách họ duy trì mối quan hệ đó?
    Họ duy trì tình yêu của họ như thế nào?
    Vì vậy, vợ tôi và tôi đã bắt đầu chuyển sang trở thành những người tư vấn và huấn luyện cho các cặp đôi đã kết hôn hoặc các cặp đôi đang trong mối quan hệ cam kết.
    Vì vậy, đó là nơi điều đó bắt đầu.
    Và điều đó đã diễn ra trong hơn một thập kỷ.
    Và ngoài điều đó, tôi bắt đầu nghiên cứu toàn cầu ở Tinder, có cơ hội tuyệt vời cho tôi để nhìn vào một tập dữ liệu rất lớn và đưa ra những dự đoán về những gì đang xảy ra với các mối quan hệ của chúng ta.
    Tôi dẫn chương trình các chương trình truyền hình, chương trình thực tế, mà cho dù tốt hay xấu, tôi nghĩ nó giúp thúc đẩy cuộc trò chuyện về các mối quan hệ mà chúng ta cần.
    Vì vậy, tôi đang thực hiện nghiên cứu ở đó.
    Bạn biết đấy, tôi làm các podcast như thế này, vì vậy, cuộc sống của tôi thực sự xoay quanh các mối quan hệ.
    Và đó là lý do tại sao tôi muốn viết cuốn sách này.
    Và đó là lý do tại sao tôi cảm thấy đủ điều kiện để viết cuốn sách này.
    Vậy bạn bắt đầu làm nghề mai mối cách đây bao lâu?
    Ôi, trời ơi.
    Vậy năm 2008 là khi tôi chính thức bắt đầu.
    17 năm.
    Mai mối.
    Vâng.
    17 năm.
    Đó là một thời gian dài trước đây.
    Lý do tôi hỏi điều đó là có rất nhiều điều đã thay đổi trong 17 năm qua.
    Có.
    Chúng ta đã trải qua quá trình tiến hóa của các ứng dụng hẹn hò và dịch vụ mai mối và những thứ như match.com.
    Câu hỏi của tôi là, bạn nghĩ rằng chúng ta đang ở đâu ngày hôm nay liên quan đến các mối quan hệ?
    Như vậy, bức tranh tổng thể là gì?
    Mọi người đang cảm thấy như thế nào?
    Người đang xem điều này ngay bây giờ, người mà có thể đang độc thân và tìm kiếm hoặc đang trong một mối quan hệ và có thể gặp khó khăn.
    Bạn có thể cho tôi một cái nhìn tổng quan về cách họ cảm thấy trong tâm trí của họ không?
    Chắc chắn.
    Và tại sao?
    Đây là một điểm tuyệt vời.
    Vì vậy, chúng ta cảm thấy những điều khác nhau.
    Có một phần nhỏ trong chúng ta.
    Và tôi sẽ tiến đến nghiên cứu của Eli Finkel, người đã viết những cuốn sách tuyệt vời, nhưng một cuốn có tên là “Hôn nhân tất cả hoặc không” mà tôi yêu thích.
    Và trong đó, ông nói rằng nếu bạn nhìn vào các cuộc hôn nhân / mối quan hệ cam kết, thì 20% trong chúng ta có sự hài lòng cao hơn bao giờ hết trong lịch sử của các mối quan hệ.
    Và bạn nghĩ 20%.
    Một là điều đó khá nhỏ.
    Và họ có thực sự hài lòng cao không?
    Và tôi hoàn toàn tin điều này.
    Lý do là vì chúng ta có những công cụ.
    Bạn biết đấy, chúng ta có những người theo dõi podcast, đọc sách, xem chương trình truyền hình, chúng ta có những công cụ mà trước đây chưa bao giờ có nhiều như vậy để tiếp cận liệu pháp.
    Vậy thì 20% rất hài lòng, nhưng 80% còn lại thì không hài lòng hơn, thất vọng hơn, bối rối hơn bao giờ hết.
    Và tôi sẽ nói rằng những người không trong các mối quan hệ, nhóm này cũng phản ánh điều đó.
    Tôi nghĩ có 20% người độc thân đang hy vọng và phát triển các công cụ, phát triển các kỹ năng và học cách lắng nghe tích cực và tất cả những điều này.
    Họ sẽ làm được, và họ tin rằng họ sẽ bước vào những mối quan hệ mạnh mẽ.
    Họ rất đầy hy vọng.
    Tôi nghĩ có 80% ở ngoài kia có lẽ là không hy vọng, không hài lòng, bối rối, thất vọng, bạn biết đấy, và tôi sẽ nói rằng đó là bối cảnh ngày nay.
    Và với điều đó, lý do cho điều này là vì trong những năm qua, chúng ta đã đặt nhiều trọng tâm hơn vào một đối tác so với việc có một cộng đồng để dựa vào.
    Vì vậy, chúng ta đang yêu cầu nhiều hơn.
    Vì vậy, điều này có nghĩa là nếu chúng ta yêu cầu nhiều hơn, nếu chúng ta yêu cầu đối tác của mình phải, chúng ta muốn đối tác của mình trở thành bạn thân nhất.
    Tất cả chúng ta đều muốn khởi động một doanh nghiệp và trở thành CEO, đúng không?
    Vì vậy, chúng ta muốn đối tác của mình trở thành đồng CEO hoặc COO.
    Chúng ta muốn đối tác của mình trở thành một bậc phụ huynh tuyệt vời.
    Chúng ta muốn đối tác của mình về nhà vào buổi tối, cởi quần áo và làm những cú nhảy lộn trong phòng ngủ, đúng không?
    Đây là điều chúng ta muốn.
    Đây là điều chúng ta muốn.
    Vì vậy, chúng ta hiện đang muốn nhiều hơn từ một người đó so với 30 năm trước, 300 năm trước, 3.000 năm trước, 300.000 năm trước khi, khi con người thực sự bắt đầu cách đây 300.000 năm.
    Vì vậy, bạn nhìn tất cả điều này và bạn nói, wow, chúng ta muốn nhiều hơn.
    Vì vậy, chúng ta sẽ có sự hài lòng thấp hơn.
    Vì vậy, đây là điều tôi tin rằng bối cảnh hiện nay là như vậy.
    Và nếu chúng ta bắt đầu với những người đang tìm kiếm tình yêu, những người đang tìm kiếm tình yêu, các công cụ hiện tại thế nào?
    Bởi vì tôi thấy rất nhiều thông tin trực tuyến về việc mọi người cảm thấy không được đối xử công bằng với những thứ như ứng dụng hẹn hò và họ đã thử như mạng xã hội.
    Và tôi có rất nhiều bạn bè đang gặp khó khăn hiện tại, họ đang trải qua 100 buổi hẹn một năm mà vẫn không tìm được ai.
    Và tôi tự hỏi, bạn đang đi hẹn 100 lần một năm. Bạn gần như là một người hẹn hò chuyên nghiệp và bạn vẫn không thể tìm được ai.
    Chắc chắn điều đó không phải do thiếu lựa chọn hoặc như phần đầu của ống, kiểu như sự tiếp xúc là tốt.
    Nhưng có điều gì đó ở phía dưới ống liên quan đến khả năng của họ để chuyển đổi ai đó dường như không ổn.
    Đúng vậy, đúng vậy.
    Nhưng, nhưng tôi cũng sẽ tranh luận rằng điều này có thể bắt nguồn từ những điều sâu hơn nữa.
    Đúng vậy.
    Vì vậy, bạn nghĩ về các kiểu hình đính kèm, các kiểu hình đính kèm.
    Tôi biết bạn đã nói rất nhiều về các kiểu hình đính kèm.
    Các kiểu hình đính kèm là điều nóng bỏng mà mọi người đang đề cập đến.
    Thật đúng như vậy.
    Tôi thích điều này.
    Và nếu bạn nghĩ về điều đó, chủ yếu có ba kiểu.
    Đúng vậy.
    Chúng ta biết chúng ta có kiểu an toàn, có kiểu lo âu và có kiểu né tránh.
    Có những biến thể khác, nhưng về cơ bản, đây là ba kiểu.
    Bây giờ, tùy thuộc vào người bạn trò chuyện, khoảng 50%, 60% dân số là kiểu an toàn.
    Điều đó có nghĩa là phần còn lại sẽ là kiểu lo âu hoặc kiểu né tránh hoặc một số sự kết hợp.
    Vì vậy, nếu bạn đang đi hẹn và bạn có kiểu đính kèm lo âu hoặc bạn có kiểu đính kèm né tránh và bạn có ai đó trước mặt bạn là người hoàn hảo cho bạn.
    Họ hoàn toàn đáp ứng tất cả các tiêu chí.
    Bạn có thể lo âu đến mức hoặc né tránh đến mức bạn đẩy họ ra xa hoặc bạn đổ lỗi cho một đặc điểm cụ thể nào đó mà họ có mà chẳng có nghĩa gì đối với mối quan hệ và bạn bác bỏ họ.
    Bạn biết đấy, điều này nghe có vẻ buồn cười nhưng cũng buồn.
    Bạn có biết lý do hàng đầu mà chúng tôi đã tìm thấy khi ghép đôi, tại sao mọi người không cho ai đó cơ hội hẹn hò lần thứ hai là gì không?
    Họ có một chiếc ví Velcro.
    Ví Velcro thì ngầu chứ.
    Không, không phải vậy.
    Không, không phải vậy.
    Bạn không thể, không.
    Được rồi.
    Vậy điều đó là gì?
    Nó xoay quanh sức hấp dẫn.
    Vì vậy, một trong số đó là sức hấp dẫn thể chất, nhưng đặc biệt là vì họ có mùi.
    Thật không?
    Họ có hơi thở xấu, hôi miệng, đúng không?
    Hoặc có một mùi nào đó.
    Bây giờ, bạn có thể lập luận rằng mùi đóng vai trò quan trọng trong việc lựa chọn đối tác của chúng ta.
    Tiến sĩ Taurus Ford nói về điều này khá nhiều, đúng không?
    Vì vậy, có một yếu tố sinh học tiến hóa liên quan đến mùi.
    Vâng, tôi đồng ý.
    Nhưng nhìn từ phía đối diện và nói, bạn biết không, có thể là, bạn biết không, bạn có mùi hôi, hơi thở của bạn có vấn đề, và tôi sẽ không từ bỏ cuộc hẹn lần thứ hai.
    Và kết quả từ việc hơi thở của bạn có vấn đề, bạn có móng tay dài.
    Bạn đang mặc bộ đồ thể thao, đúng không?
    Để nhìn vào những khoảnh khắc này và nói rằng vì điều này, tôi sẽ từ chối bạn như một đối tác.
    Tôi nghĩ đối với nhiều người, nghe có vẻ hợp lý, nhưng đối với nhiều người khác, nghe có vẻ vô lý.
    Bạn hiểu ý tôi không?
    Bây giờ, cách bạn đến được điểm đó là thách thức.
    Nếu bạn nghĩ điều đó vô lý, cách bạn đến được việc giả định rằng vì ai đó mặc bộ đồ thể thao, vì họ có móng tay dài, thì điều đó sẽ bác bỏ giá trị của họ như một đối tác tuyệt vời.
    Điều đó liên quan đến bạn.
    Điều đó liên quan đến bạn, kiểu hình đính kèm của bạn.
    Điều đó liên quan đến cách bạn đã được xã hội hóa.
    Vì vậy, tôi sẽ tranh luận rằng những người đang đi hẹn hò rất nhiều mà vẫn không cảm thấy có thể tìm được đối tác phù hợp.
    Nơi đầu tiên để nhìn vào là bản thân bạn.
    Tôi tự hỏi điều này vì tôi nghĩ rằng càng nhiều cuộc hẹn bạn tham gia, càng có nhiều điểm tham chiếu so sánh bạn có cho người tiếp theo.
    Vì vậy, cuộc hẹn 101, nếu bạn đã tham gia 100 cuộc hẹn trước đó, bạn giờ đã có 100 người có thể có điểm tốt ở một điều nào đó.
    Và cuộc hẹn 101 sẽ được so sánh với 100 cuộc hẹn trước về tất cả các yếu tố.
    Dưới đây là bản dịch tiếng Việt:
    Có lẽ cuộc hẹn thứ 49 có khiếu hài hước tuyệt vời. Cuộc hẹn thứ 53 thì giàu có. Cuộc hẹn thứ 67 thì đẹp về mặt hình thể. Cuộc hẹn thứ 101 sẽ được so sánh với tất cả các cuộc hẹn trước đó dựa trên tất cả những yếu tố đó. Và bạn sẽ luôn tìm thấy điều gì đó không tốt bằng, ít nhất là một yếu tố không tốt bằng một người mà bạn đã hẹn hò trước đây. Và tôi luôn tự hỏi, có phải bạn vô tình mở rộng bộ so sánh của mình bằng cách gặp gỡ ngày càng nhiều người hơn không?
    Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ điều này liên quan đến công trình của Barry Schwartz về nghịch lý của sự lựa chọn. Barry Schwartz đã chỉ ra rằng khi chúng ta có nhiều lựa chọn hơn, mà thực chất là tất cả những cuộc hẹn này, khi chúng ta chọn một người, mức độ hài lòng với sự lựa chọn đó sẽ giảm vì chúng ta thấy mình có đến hàng trăm sự lựa chọn. Ngược lại, nếu bạn chỉ có ba lựa chọn và phải chọn một trong ba cái đó, bạn sẽ có mức độ hài lòng cao hơn.
    Kết quả là, một ví dụ trong đời thực là bà của tôi. Bà tôi lớn lên ở, tôi gọi là, vùng quê ở Jamaica. Một thị trấn nhỏ xíu ở Jamaica. Bà tôi thực sự có năm hoặc sáu lựa chọn như một người bạn đời. Giờ đây, do bà của tôi có những lựa chọn đó, khi bà chọn một người, giá trị và sự nhấn mạnh sẽ lớn hơn, thậm chí còn nhiều hơn nếu bạn xem xét lý thuyết đầu tư, nhiều đầu tư hơn được đặt vào một trong những lựa chọn đó. Ngược lại, nếu bà có một trăm lựa chọn và bà đưa ra quyết định, lựa chọn đó với một trăm lựa chọn sẽ trở nên dễ bị bỏ đi hơn.
    Vì vậy, đây là một vấn đề mà chúng ta gặp phải khi tự cho mình quá nhiều sự lựa chọn. Thách thức khác với điều này là khi bạn xem người khác hẹn hò, họ thường hẹn hò với những người có đặc điểm tương tự. Thông thường là những đặc điểm giống nhau, thậm chí về mặt thể chất. Tôi cho rằng một trong những giá trị tuyệt vời mà chúng ta có thể nhận được trong thị trường hẹn hò, nếu bạn muốn xem nó như một thị trường hẹn hò, là hãy đưa mình ra khỏi thị trường của chúng ta, nếu bạn muốn, và đặt bản thân ở một nơi khác.
    Tôi gọi điều này là hiệu ứng cao cấp. Một ví dụ về điều này là tôi có một người bạn, một người phụ nữ da trắng, khoảng 35 tuổi, sống ở phía Bắc London. Cô ấy nói: “Paul, tôi đã hẹn hò với tất cả những chàng trai này mà không tìm được người phù hợp.” Tôi nói: “Nhìn này, bạn thích nghệ thuật, đúng không?” Cô ấy đáp: “Đúng, tôi thích nghệ thuật.” Tôi nói: “Được rồi, tôi muốn bạn đến Thư viện Văn hóa Đen ở Brixton. Tôi muốn bạn tham gia vào cuộc triển lãm mà họ đang tổ chức.” Và cô ấy như thể, “Brixton?” Tôi nói: “Đúng, Brixton rất thú vị. Tôi thường xuyên đi đến đó.” Tôi muốn bạn đến đó.
    Giờ, tại sao tôi lại yêu cầu cô ấy đến đó? Tôi yêu cầu cô ấy đến vì ngay khi cô ấy đến, một cách đặc trưng, cô ấy sẽ không trông giống như mọi khi. Hầu hết mọi người ở đó sẽ là đàn ông và phụ nữ da đen, có thể thậm chí trẻ hơn cô ấy một chút. Khác biệt về văn hóa, phải không? Nhưng họ có cùng một giá trị trong nghệ thuật và sự trân trọng đối với sự sáng tạo, v.v. Ngay khi cô ấy đến đó, chuyện gì sẽ xảy ra? Một số người trong phòng nhìn cô như thể, “Cô ấy làm gì ở đây? Tại sao cô ấy lại ở đây?” Những người đó là những người khép kín. Carol DeWick nói về điều này trong cuốn sách “Mindset” của cô ấy. Chúng ta có những người khép kín và cởi mở. Những người đó là những người khép kín.
    Nhưng những người cởi mở sẽ phản ứng với bạn của tôi như thế nào? Họ sẽ tiến tới. “Bạn đang làm gì ở đây?” Họ tò mò và tham gia. Và đột nhiên, cô ấy mở rộng mạng lưới của mình đến một nhóm người hoàn toàn mới. Một số có thể là mối quan tâm lãng mạn. Một số có thể là tình bạn. Vì vậy, khi chúng ta đang hẹn hò, đặc biệt là những người hẹn hò liên tiếp, trong số 100 người, điều quan trọng là bạn phải bước ra khỏi vòng tròn của chính mình.
    Tôi muốn nhấn mạnh một điều. Bạn đã nói rằng người phụ nữ da trắng đó đã vào một không gian của người da đen. Và trong không gian đó, cô ấy sẽ được coi là một giá trị cao cấp vì về cơ bản, những đặc điểm của cô ấy khiến cô trở nên hiếm có, đúng không? Tôi vừa làm một số nghiên cứu và thấy rằng các nghiên cứu và khảo sát chỉ ra rằng các nhóm dân tộc thiểu số, đặc biệt là nam giới châu Á và phụ nữ da đen, thường gặp những thách thức độc đáo trong việc hẹn hò ở cả Anh và Mỹ.
    Và lý do tôi đặt câu hỏi này là vì đây không phải là trải nghiệm thực tế của tôi. Tôi không phải là một người đàn ông châu Á, mặc dù đôi khi người khác nghĩ rằng tôi là. Có một nhóm người mà tôi không có trải nghiệm chung về cuộc sống, họ đang vật lộn theo những cách mà có thể bạn không hiểu.
    Vâng, chắc chắn rồi. Bạn biết đấy, chúng ta phải hiểu rằng chúng ta tồn tại trong một xã hội rất phân biệt chủng tộc. Và nhiều người không thích thừa nhận điều đó, không thích nói về nó, thích quét nó dưới thảm. Nhưng khi đến việc hẹn hò, điều đó thể hiện rất rõ ràng, giống như trong những thống kê mà bạn đang đề cập. Giờ, hãy suy nghĩ về điều này. Nếu bạn là người không phải da đen và đang quan tâm đến một người bạn đời, và bạn chưa có trải nghiệm nào với người da đen, ngoài có thể xem một vài người da đen trên ti vi, và cha mẹ bạn trong cộng đồng đã nói đủ kiểu điều điên rồ về người da đen, và bạn có đủ loại cấu trúc niềm tin tiêu cực xung quanh người da đen, rồi bạn là một người đàn ông, giả sử là một người đàn ông da trắng, và bạn được tiếp cận bởi một người phụ nữ da đen trên một ứng dụng hẹn hò, liệu bạn có quét vào người này không? Bạn sẽ không làm vậy vì bạn không hiểu cô ấy tuyệt vời như thế nào, thông minh ra sao, xinh đẹp cỡ nào. Bạn không có sự trân trọng nào. Vì vậy, lý do họ không quét là do sự ngu dốt của họ. Đúng là như vậy. Và đây là lý do mà một trong những điều quan trọng nhất mà chúng ta có thể làm là mở rộng các nhóm xã hội của mình. Đây là điều quan trọng nhất. Tôi có nghĩa là nó tác động tích cực đến các mối quan hệ lãng mạn của chúng ta. Nó tác động tích cực đến cuộc sống của chúng ta. Chúng ta cần có một tập hợp những người đa dạng mà chúng ta tương tác và thực sự hiểu những người khác biệt với chúng ta đẹp đến mức nào.
    Có phải có một vấn đề hệ thống nào đó ở đây không? Bởi vì khi tôi nghĩ về bà của bạn lớn lên ở ngôi làng đó ở Jamaica mà bạn đã đề cập đến, bà sẽ dành rất nhiều thời gian để gặp gỡ người trong làng ấy, người đàn ông khác trong làng, để tìm hiểu ông ấy vượt ra ngoài vẻ bề ngoài. Nếu ông ấy sống ở phía bên kia đường, bà sẽ tương tác với ông ấy, quan sát hành vi của ông ấy. Ông ấy có thể có móng tay dài, bạn biết đấy, nhưng bà sẽ nhận ra rằng ông ấy là một người tốt bụng, hào phóng, và có khiếu hài hước, vì vậy bà có thể nhìn qua cái ví dán velcro và cái móng tay dài đó.
    Tuy nhiên, cách mà chúng ta thiết kế hẹn hò trong thế giới hiện đại, nơi mà đa số mọi người hiện nay, tôi tin, đang gặp gỡ trực tuyến theo một hình thức nào đó, dù là trên mạng xã hội hay khác, thực sự là chúng ta đang đánh giá người khác chỉ qua cái móng tay. Chúng ta đưa ra quyết định chỉ trong vài giây liệu người này có phù hợp hay không, và rõ ràng điều đó là không thể. Tôi thực sự cảm thấy có một cảm giác không hài lòng, thất vọng, và tuyệt vọng từ mọi người vào lúc này liên quan đến việc tìm kiếm một ai đó. Và tôi nghĩ rằng các hệ thống mà chúng ta đã xây dựng, mạng xã hội, những chiếc màn hình, chỉ làm tăng thêm sự thất vọng và tuyệt vọng này.
    Câu hỏi của tôi, liên quan đến điều này, thực sự là về những cách cũ để làm mọi thứ, như bạn đã nói về bà của bạn, và tôi rất tò mò về một chủ đề cụ thể và tự hỏi liệu bạn có dữ liệu về điều này hay không, đó là hôn nhân sắp đặt. Có. Hôn nhân sắp đặt có thành công như các mối quan hệ mà chúng ta hình thành ngày nay thông qua các màn hình mạng xã hội, v.v., v.v. không? Bởi vì, bạn biết đấy, hồi xưa, chúng ta bị ghép đôi với ai đó dựa trên lý do gia đình hoặc kinh tế. Những cuộc hôn nhân đó có thành công không? Nhiều người trong chúng ta không muốn thừa nhận mức độ thành công của các cuộc hôn nhân sắp đặt thực sự đã và đang có. Thực sự là vậy. Nhưng chúng ta phải nhìn vào nguyên nhân, đúng không? Bây giờ, khi mọi người nghe điều này, họ ngay lập tức nói, “Ồ, còn tất cả những vụ lạm dụng và sự không hài lòng diễn ra trong những mối quan hệ này thì sao?” Có không? Hoàn toàn có. Nhưng nó cũng xảy ra trong các cuộc hôn nhân không sắp đặt với tỷ lệ đáng kể.
    Vậy tại sao các cuộc hôn nhân sắp đặt lại thành công đến vậy? Đối với một số nhà nghiên cứu, họ có mức độ hài lòng cao hơn so với các cuộc hôn nhân không sắp đặt. Và đây là lý do tại sao. Lý do là vì các gia đình đến với nhau và thương thảo và xác định liệu người này có phù hợp với cấu trúc gia đình của họ hay không. Điều đó có ý nghĩa gì? Điều đó có nghĩa là bạn có thực sự một người mẹ, một người cha, một người bà, một người ông, một người anh, một người chị cùng nhau thảo luận và tranh luận về các đặc điểm. Họ thảo luận và tranh luận liệu người này có phải là một con người đúng đắn hay không. Bạn biết đấy, người này có mở mang không? Người này sẽ có khả năng ứng biến không? Đúng không? Người này có bền bỉ không? Họ tranh luận về những đặc điểm này. Và lý do tại sao điều này có lợi là vì người kết hôn không tham gia và họ không tham gia vì họ sẽ hoàn toàn thiên vị.
    Điều xảy ra ngày nay là cực kỳ nguy hiểm. Điều xảy ra ngày nay là khi chúng ta gặp ai đó, chúng ta thường không liên quan đến bạn bè và gia đình. Chúng ta đã bị cuốn hút vào người đó, vì vậy chúng ta trở nên ám ảnh với họ. Đó là lý do tại sao chúng ta thậm chí không thể xác định liệu họ có bất kỳ đặc điểm nào mà chúng ta muốn hay không. Chúng ta đang sống trong nỗi đau của chính mình và chúng ta thậm chí không chọn họ. Thường thì, họ đang chọn chúng ta. Vì vậy, chúng ta kết thúc việc trượt, nếu bạn muốn, vào một mối quan hệ mà từ đầu đã không phù hợp với chúng ta. Trong khi đó, trong các cuộc hôn nhân sắp đặt, bạn có một cuộc tranh luận thực sự diễn ra về việc liệu ai đó có phù hợp với cuộc sống của cá nhân đó hay không.
    Một ví dụ khác là lý do tại sao vợ tôi và tôi là một cơ quan mai mối. Chúng tôi đã tiên phong điều gì đó mà chưa từng được thực hiện, ít nhất là theo kiến thức của chúng tôi trong lĩnh vực mai mối. Stephen, nếu bạn là một khách hàng của chúng tôi, bạn sẽ là khách hàng hoàn hảo vào thời điểm đó vì chúng tôi có nhiều người đàn ông thành công về mặt nghề nghiệp và cảm thấy rằng, “Được rồi, điều tôi thiếu là tình yêu. Tôi thiếu đối tác.” Vì vậy, nếu bạn đến với chúng tôi như một khách hàng, thay vì tôi nói, “Được rồi, Stephen, hãy cho tôi biết bạn muốn gì.” Và bạn đưa cho tôi một danh sách dài. Tôi biết bạn sẽ đưa tôi một danh sách khoảng 150 điều mà bạn mong muốn. Thay vào đó, tôi sẽ nói, “Không, không, bạn hãy ngồi ở đó. Tôi thậm chí sẽ không nói chuyện với bạn.” Thay vào đó, để tôi nói chuyện với anh trai của bạn. Để tôi nói chuyện với đồng nghiệp của bạn. Để tôi nói chuyện với những người yêu cũ của bạn. Vâng, để tôi nói chuyện với những người yêu cũ của bạn. Hãy để tôi có cái nhìn toàn diện về bạn từ những người mà bạn gần gũi nhất. Và tôi sẽ xây dựng một hồ sơ dựa trên sự đồng thuận của những gì họ đang nói với tôi.
    Điều này rất đúng. Một trong những người bạn tốt nhất của tôi trên thế giới đã gặp khó khăn trong một vài người bạn tốt nhất của tôi. Nhưng có hai người mà tôi đang nghĩ đến đặc biệt, nhưng một người tôi muốn tập trung vào. Anh ấy đã gặp khó khăn trong các mối quan hệ trong suốt 15 năm qua. Và mỗi lần anh ấy bắt đầu một mối quan hệ, với tư cách là bạn của anh ấy, tôi đều nói, “Đó không phải là nó. Đó không phải là nó.” Và mỗi khi anh ấy gặp một người khác, tôi đều nói, “Cũng không phải là nó.” Và sau khi mối quan hệ cuối cùng thất bại, tôi đã ngồi với anh ấy và cố gắng không can thiệp quá nhiều. Nhưng tôi đã nói, “Anh bạn, tôi sẽ biết. Tôi cảm thấy giống như cách mà anh ấy đã biết khi tôi tìm thấy người phù hợp, và nếu tôi muốn chia tay với người yêu hiện tại, anh ấy sẽ thực sự đảo ngược quyết định.” Anh ấy sẽ viết một sắc lệnh điều hành để đảo ngược quyết định đó vì anh ấy biết người đó chính xác là điều đúng đắn cho tôi. Cũng theo cách đó, tôi có thể vẽ một bức tranh. Tôi có thể nói cho bạn nghề nghiệp, độ tuổi của người phù hợp với anh ấy dựa trên việc biết anh ấy và anh ấy là bạn tốt nhất của tôi trong 10, 15 năm. Tuy nhiên, vì một lý do nào đó, anh ấy thường chọn những điều trái ngược với điều đó.
    Và tôi luôn tự hỏi điều này. Tôi luôn tự hỏi, liệu chúng ta có nên chọn bạn đời cho bạn bè của mình không?
    Không. Nếu như, với tư cách một xã hội, chúng ta quay trở lại với gia đình và vòng tròn xã hội gần gũi nhất,
    và tôi muốn nhấn mạnh rằng là những người mà chúng ta thực sự yêu thương, vì không phải tất cả các gia đình đều là gia đình.
    Vậy nếu như có vòng tròn đó đưa ra quyết định cho chúng ta, chúng ta sẽ có tỷ lệ hài lòng trong hôn nhân cao hơn rất nhiều
    không có nghi ngờ gì hoặc tỷ lệ hài lòng trong các mối quan hệ cao hơn rất nhiều.
    Điều đó chính xác là vì những gì bạn đã nói.
    Theo một nghiên cứu ở đây, một nghiên cứu năm 2012 được công bố trong Tạp chí Nghiên cứu Gia đình So sánh cho thấy các cặp đôi trong hôn nhân sắp đặt
    ở các nền văn hóa tập thể đã báo cáo mức độ hài lòng tương đương hoặc cao hơn trong dài hạn so với những người trong hôn nhân vì tình yêu.
    Đúng rồi. Đúng rồi. Quay lại. Eli Finkel, 80% các cuộc hôn nhân của chúng ta có mức độ hài lòng thấp hơn ngày hôm nay so với bất kỳ thời điểm nào trong lịch sử.
    Và bạn nghĩ về, ngay cả những gì chúng ta đã từng có, bạn nghĩ về sự nhấn mạnh mà chúng ta đặt vào cá nhân.
    Đây là điều cần được nhấn mạnh thực sự, bởi vì càng yêu cầu bạn đời của chúng ta phải đáp ứng mọi thứ cho chúng ta,
    thì tiêu chuẩn của họ càng cao, và sự kỳ vọng cũng vậy.
    Và ngay khi họ không đáp ứng được kỳ vọng đó, chúng ta sẽ không hài lòng.
    Bây giờ, họ có thể đáp ứng được chín trong số mười điều, nhưng vì kỳ vọng của chúng ta là mười, chúng ta cảm thấy không hài lòng
    bởi vì cuối cùng, sự hài lòng là gì, thì sự hài lòng thực sự dựa trên kỳ vọng của chúng ta.
    Vậy chúng ta phải làm gì về điều đó?
    Bởi vì nhiều người sẽ có thể liên hệ với ý tưởng rằng bạn đời của họ phải đảm nhận nhiều vai trò trong cuộc sống của họ
    hoặc họ cảm thấy như họ bị kỳ vọng phải là nhà trị liệu, có thể là nhà tài trợ tài chính, bạn thân, bạn chơi thể thao
    vào cuối tuần để chơi paddle, tôi không biết, huấn luyện viên đời người, v.v.
    Một số người sẽ cảm thấy áp lực trong khi họ cũng đang cố gắng điều hành cuộc sống riêng của mình.
    Bạn sẽ làm gì về điều đó vì bạn không thể về nhà và nói, em yêu, nghe này, mọi chuyện đã kết thúc.
    Từ giờ tôi chỉ muốn là bạn trai của bạn.
    Nhiều người sẽ không thích điều này, nhưng chúng ta phải giảm sự kỳ vọng đối với bạn đời của mình.
    Chúng ta thực sự cần phải như vậy.
    Và điều tôi muốn nói ở đây là, trước tiên, chúng ta cần bắt đầu với việc xác định chúng ta muốn gì từ mối quan hệ của mình?
    Bởi vì nếu chúng ta quay lại, và chúng ta không cần phải quay lại hàng ngàn năm, chúng ta có thể quay ngược lại đến ông bà của tôi.
    Quyết định, không phải là tôi sẽ nhận được tất cả mười điều từ bạn đời của mình?
    Mà là ba trong số mười điều.
    Và tôi sẽ hài lòng với ba trong số mười điều đó.
    Tại sao?
    Bởi vì tôi có một cộng đồng đầy đủ mà tôi có thể đến.
    Bạn bè, đồng nghiệp, những người đồng hành, những người mà bạn biết, trong câu lạc bộ chạy bộ của tôi mà tôi có thể đến để tìm kiếm những khía cạnh khác trong cuộc sống của mình.
    Sự tự tin, sự kích thích trí tuệ, bất cứ điều gì đó có thể là.
    Vậy đó là nơi bắt đầu.
    Bạn muốn gì từ cuộc hôn nhân của mình?
    Sau đó, bước tiếp theo là, được rồi, bạn có sẵn sàng làm công việc cần thiết để duy trì mối quan hệ đó không?
    Bạn biết đấy, nhà Gottman, mà tôi biết bạn đã từng có trên podcast và thật sự là những chuyên gia hàng đầu thế giới về liệu pháp cặp đôi, đúng không?
    John và Julie Gottman.
    Họ đã nói điều gì đó với tôi rất sâu sắc khi tôi nói chuyện với họ, đó là, chúng ta đều tương thích với nhau.
    Và hãy để điều đó ngấm vào trong một chút.
    Nó giống như, được rồi, điều đó thực sự có nghĩa là gì?
    Điều đó có nghĩa là nếu tôi đặt bạn với một người khác trên một hòn đảo hoang vắng và nói, đến đây thôi.
    Chỉ có hai bạn trong suốt phần còn lại của cuộc sống, các bạn sẽ hình thành một mối liên kết cảm xúc rất mạnh mẽ.
    Có khả năng, bạn sẽ hình thành một mối quan hệ vật lý và tình dục rất mạnh mẽ, đúng không?
    Tại sao? Bởi vì bạn không có lựa chọn nào khác, nhưng phải làm cho mối quan hệ đó hoạt động.
    Nhìn vào ngày hôm nay.
    Chúng ta không cảm thấy như phải làm cho mọi thứ hoạt động.
    Có vô số lựa chọn.
    Chúng ta có thể chỉ cần rời đi, đúng không?
    Và vì vậy, khái niệm rằng chúng ta tương thích với mọi người mà tôi nghĩ là sâu sắc, bởi vì điều đó có nghĩa là bạn có thể vượt qua điều đó.
    Bạn có thể tăng cường sự hài lòng của mình bằng cách làm việc chăm chỉ.
    Tôi hoàn toàn có thể liên hệ với điều đó.
    Tôi nhớ đã làm việc trong một trung tâm cuộc gọi một thời gian và tôi đã rất nghèo và cô đơn.
    Và khi tôi làm việc tại trung tâm cuộc gọi này, đó là một trung tâm cuộc gọi về phòng trễ ở Cheetah Mill, Manchester.
    Tôi basically đã phải lòng cô gái ngồi bên cạnh tôi trong trung tâm cuộc gọi.
    Bây giờ, hãy lắng nghe, tôi đã thấy cô ấy kể từ đó.
    Tôi nghĩ rằng mười năm sau, cô ấy đã đến một trong những buổi giao lưu của tôi, đó là Rosie.
    Có lẽ đó là lần đầu tiên cô ấy nhận ra rằng tôi đã yêu cô ấy.
    Nhưng trong bối cảnh không có nhiều lựa chọn và tôi là một chàng trai mà thực sự không có lựa chọn nào khác.
    Tôi không đi ra ngoài các câu lạc bộ đêm, tôi không đủ tiền.
    Tôi chỉ đơn giản là yêu một người đang ở gần gũi và tôi thực sự rất thích cô ấy.
    Và điều đó khiến tôi sốc vì nói một cách khách quan, nếu tôi viết ra mẫu hình lý tưởng của mình trong giai đoạn đó của cuộc đời.
    Tôi sẽ không viết điều đó, nhưng chỉ vì chúng tôi ở gần nhau đủ lâu, tôi đã tìm thấy sự thu hút.
    Sự thu hút đã xuất hiện.
    Thật không may, đó không phải là thế giới mà chúng ta đang sống.
    Và thực tế, một trong những người bạn của tôi đang gặp khó khăn nhất trong các mối quan hệ, công việc của cô ấy thực sự là gặp gỡ mọi người.
    Đó giống như là cơ sở công việc của cô ấy và cô ấy không thể tìm thấy ai cả.
    Và tôi nghĩ phần nào lý do mà tôi thấy ở đó là điều chúng ta đã mô tả về việc có quá nhiều lựa chọn.
    Nhưng ai đó sẽ làm gì về điều đó?
    Điều gì là hành động có thể thực hiện nếu bạn sống trong thế giới hiện đại và bạn đang gặp khó khăn để tìm ai đó,
    dù bạn đã nhận ra rằng nếu bạn bị kẹt trong một căn phòng với năm người lạ, bạn có thể sẽ phải lòng một trong số họ.
    Đúng, thật khó, phải không?
    Nhưng mọi thứ luôn bắt đầu từ bản thân và sự tự nhận thức.
    Và tôi sẽ bắt đầu bằng việc, ồ, sự gắn bó của tôi là gì?
    Điều đó sẽ cung cấp rất nhiều thông tin.
    Nếu cô ấy quay lại và làm công việc này và nhận ra rằng cô ấy có xu hướng né tránh, điều đó sẽ bắt đầu lấp đầy những khoảng trống về lý do tại sao có thể cô ấy đã luôn giữ khoảng cách cảm xúc trong các mối quan hệ, tại sao cô ấy cảm thấy như không cần ai, tại sao người khác cần phải vượt qua những tiêu chuẩn cao hơn để có thể ở trong một mối quan hệ với cô ấy. Hãy bắt đầu với sự gắn bó của bạn và nhận ra rằng nếu bạn có xu hướng né tránh hoặc bạn lo âu, bạn có thể phát triển một mối quan hệ gắn bó an toàn. Và có công việc liên quan đến điều đó, nhưng bạn có thể làm được. Và nhân tiện, bạn có thể làm điều đó mà không cần một nhà trị liệu. Luôn luôn khuyên bạn nên đi cùng với các nhà trị liệu, nhưng hãy đối mặt với thực tế. Thời gian chờ đợi cho các nhà trị liệu, chi phí cho các nhà trị liệu, không phải là — và cũng số lượng các nhà trị liệu trên mỗi đầu người đang giảm. Vì vậy, họ không dễ tiếp cận như thường được người ta hình dung. Vậy nên, điều đầu tiên là bạn cần bắt đầu từ chính bản thân mình. Đó là điều đầu tiên. Thứ hai là thực sự nắm rõ loại mối quan hệ mà bạn muốn. Và lý do tại sao điều này quan trọng là vì bạn cần phải làm rõ ràng ranh giới của mình khi bắt đầu tương tác với người khác. Bởi vì tôi luôn nói rằng nếu bạn không khẳng định ranh giới của mình, bạn có thể biến những người có ý định tốt trở thành kẻ bắt nạt chỉ đơn giản là vì không khẳng định ranh giới của bạn. Để biết ranh giới của mình — để khẳng định ranh giới của mình, bạn phải biết rõ ranh giới của bạn. Vậy nên, phần thứ hai là bắt đầu nhận biết, được rồi, tôi muốn gì? Tôi muốn gì? Ví dụ, có hàng trăm biến thể của các mối quan hệ mà bạn có thể có ngày hôm nay. Bà tôi, đúng không? Có một mối quan hệ như vậy. Đó là một cuộc hôn nhân cam kết — hôn nhân cam kết cho đến khi bạn chết. Đó là tất cả. Bây giờ bạn không cần phải kết hôn. Bạn có thể sống riêng nhưng vẫn ở bên nhau, gặp nhau vào cuối tuần. Bạn có thể quyết định. Tôi muốn — chúng tôi không muốn có con. Bạn có thể quyết định. Có hàng trăm biến thể. Hãy rất rõ ràng về điều bạn — điều bạn muốn. Và khi tôi nói khẳng định ranh giới của bạn là hãy khẳng định những gì bạn quan tâm ngay từ đầu. Ba bước này cực kỳ quan trọng. Tôi muốn nói về những biến thể khác nhau của các mối quan hệ và nhiều loại huyền thoại giữ chúng ta lại. Khái niệm hiện đại về một mối quan hệ trông như thế nào. Được rồi. Nhưng bạn đã nói một điều ở đó, điều đó đã khơi dậy một ý tưởng mà tôi đã đọc trong cuốn sách của bạn. Khi bạn nói cho đến khi cái chết chia cắt chúng ta. Vâng. Tôi đã đọc về nghiên cứu này nói rằng nghiên cứu ung thư trên các cặp đôi dị tính cho thấy nếu một người đàn ông mắc bệnh nan y và vợ anh ta trở thành người chăm sóc, thì có tỷ lệ ly dị là 2.9%. Nếu người phụ nữ mắc bệnh nan y và bạn trai nam của cô ấy trở thành người chăm sóc, họ bỏ đi với tỷ lệ 21%, điều này cơ bản có nghĩa là nam giới có khả năng rời bỏ phụ nữ cao hơn khoảng 624% nếu phụ nữ bị ốm. Vâng. Và điều đó nằm ở trang 48 của cuốn sách mới của bạn, Giữ lấy Tình yêu. Vâng. Chuyện quái gì đang xảy ra vậy? Điều đó thật đáng lo ngại, sốc. Và nó quá đáng lo ngại, sốc. Tôi đã phải đưa nghiên cứu này vào sách. Đối với tôi — và tôi đã viết điều này trong chương về tình yêu có điều kiện. Và chúng ta phải hiểu rằng huyền thoại xuất hiện là tình yêu vô điều kiện. Nó là, bạn biết đấy, nếu bạn tìm được người phù hợp, thì sẽ không có điều kiện nào cả. Điều đó có thể đúng với con cái của bạn, đúng không? Con bạn có thể làm điều gì đó ghê tởm, và tôi tin rằng vẫn có thể có tình yêu dành cho chúng. Nhưng không phải vậy với những người bạn đời của chúng ta. Và để chúng ta nhận thức rằng có những điều kiện khi chúng ta bước vào những mối quan hệ này, đó là điều quan trọng nhất. Đó gần như là một dấu hiệu cảnh báo đặc biệt cho phụ nữ trong chương đó để nói rằng có những điều kiện. Và thật không may, khi người ta đã phỏng vấn những người đàn ông đã rời bỏ phụ nữ trong giờ phút cuối đời, và ngay cả những phụ nữ — vì 2.9% phụ nữ bỏ rơi đàn ông — ngay cả những phụ nữ đã rời bỏ đàn ông, điều họ sẽ nói là họ không còn nhận được — hãy tự điền vào chỗ trống. Họ không còn nhận được sự thân tình về cảm xúc. Họ không còn nhận được sự thân tình về thể xác. Họ không còn nhận được, bạn biết đấy, hãy tự điền vào chỗ trống. Và vì không còn nhận được điều này, và điều đó chính là điều kiện, họ ra đi. Vậy tại sao đàn ông lại vậy? Họ có khả năng rời bỏ một người bạn đời mắc bệnh nan y cao hơn 600% so với phụ nữ. Bạn biết đấy, có một lượng không tương xứng của mối quan hệ được đặt nặng lên khía cạnh thể xác của mối quan hệ, đúng không? Tình dục. Tình dục. Vâng. Bạn như kiểu, “Paul, hãy nói rõ đi.” Thực sự là vậy. Chà, không phải chỉ là về tình dục, đúng không? Không chỉ là về tình dục. Nhưng điều đó thường có nghĩa là mức độ hài lòng trong mối quan hệ thấp. Và kết quả là do mức độ hài lòng thấp, và mức độ hài lòng thấp có thể đến từ việc không có đủ tình dục hoặc không có tình dục như họ thích. Nó có thể đến từ việc, bạn biết đấy, không có sự tôn trọng. Họ không cảm thấy có công bằng trong mối quan hệ, bất cứ điều gì có thể là. Nhưng vì đã có mức độ hài lòng thấp, khi họ vào một tình huống mà bạn đời mắc bệnh nan y, họ đã sẵn sàng để rời bỏ, đúng không? Đây là điều mà bạn thường thấy. Điều bạn thấy xảy ra khi bạn thấy một người bạn đời rời bỏ một người bạn đời khác, nơi bạn thấy sự không chung thủy xảy ra, là bạn thấy rằng đã có mức độ hài lòng thấp. Mức độ hài lòng trong các mối quan hệ không chỉ quyết định khả năng sống sót của mối quan hệ, mà còn quyết định khả năng sống sót của chúng ta. Có một nghiên cứu đã được thực hiện. James Coyne, điều này đã làm tôi bất ngờ. Ông đã khảo sát 200 bệnh nhân mắc bệnh tim bẩm sinh, đúng không? Nên không phải là mắc bệnh nan y, nhưng gần như là mắc bệnh nan y nhất. Và ông đã có thể xem xét 200 người và ông đã phân chia nhóm dựa trên những người có mức độ hài lòng cao và những người có mức độ hài lòng thấp trong mối quan hệ của họ.
    Hai năm sau, những cặp đôi có mức độ thỏa mãn cao, người trong mối quan hệ đó bị suy tim bẩm sinh, bạn biết không? Họ đã chết khoảng 11% thời gian. Vậy là 11% đã chết. Nhưng những người có mức độ thỏa mãn thấp, hai năm sau, có tới 45% trong số họ đã chết. Hãy nghĩ về điều đó. Có thể nói họ có nguy cơ chết cao hơn khoảng ba lần vì mức độ thỏa mãn thấp trong mối quan hệ. Vì vậy, sự thỏa mãn trong mối quan hệ là rất quan trọng. Và đây là một phần trong những gì tôi đã cố gắng truyền tải trong cuốn sách này và rất nhiều thông điệp của tôi rằng chúng ta đã đặt quá nhiều giá trị vào độ bền lâu. Điều đó thật nực cười. Tôi ngồi xuống phỏng vấn, thường thì câu hỏi đầu tiên hoặc thứ hai là, Paul, vậy bạn đã kết hôn bao lâu rồi? Bạn đã kết hôn bao lâu? Ý tưởng ở đây là vì tôi đã kết hôn được hơn 23 năm nên tôi thành công trong cuộc hôn nhân của mình. Điều đó thật nực cười. Điều đó thật nực cười. Câu hỏi nên là bạn có hài lòng ra sao trong cuộc hôn nhân hoặc mối quan hệ của mình? Và vì vậy, chúng ta không thể, chúng ta phải ngừng nhấn mạnh vào độ bền lâu mà thực sự tập trung vào sự thỏa mãn. Bạn có hài lòng ra sao trong cuộc hôn nhân của mình? Stephen. Đây là, tôi ghét bạn vì đã hỏi câu hỏi này. Không, không. Tôi thì đang. Vậy lý do tôi có một cái tim. Nó liên quan đến vợ bạn và chúng tôi đã có câu trả lời của cô ấy trước đó nên chúng tôi sẽ giữ lại. Vâng, bạn hãy nói cho tôi biết cô ấy đã nói gì trước đã. Bạn có chắc chắn muốn biết trên sóng không? Điều tôi ghét khi cố gắng trả lời câu hỏi như thế này là vì rất nhiều người nói, ôi, tôi không tin, tôi không tin vào việc thảo luận. Thật lòng mà nói, đặt tay lên trái tim tôi, lời nói với con cái tôi. Tôi có mức độ thỏa mãn cao nhất với Jill, bạn biết đấy, với người bạn tốt nhất của tôi hôm nay hơn bao giờ hết. Và tôi nghĩ lý do cho điều này là vì khối lượng công việc to lớn mà chúng tôi đã bỏ ra. Bạn biết đấy, nhiều người không nhận ra rằng khi tôi đọc một thống kê, Jill thường ở ngay bên cạnh tôi. Tối qua, thực sự là tối qua, chúng tôi đang nằm trên giường và đang nói về lịch sử hôn nhân. Chúng tôi đang tranh luận về Clovis, vị vua đầu tiên của người Frank và cách ông đã tạo ra sự ảnh hưởng đến các mối quan hệ. Chúng tôi luôn thảo luận về những chủ đề này. Và như một hệ quả của việc có cuộc trò chuyện quanh những chủ đề này, nó giúp chúng tôi cởi mở hơn. Nó giúp chúng tôi đối thoại. Nó giúp chúng tôi tranh luận. Nó giúp chúng tôi có những nghi ngờ. Nó giúp chúng tôi có sự tin tưởng và tự chủ. Và do đó, nó giúp chúng tôi có một mức độ giao tiếp mạnh mẽ và sự thân mật tình cảm mà sau đó lan tỏa vào tất cả các khía cạnh cuộc sống của chúng tôi, vào đời sống tình dục của chúng tôi. Vào khả năng làm cha mẹ của chúng tôi, vào công việc của chúng tôi. Tất cả điều này là từ việc có một sự kết nối mạnh mẽ. Vì vậy, sự thỏa mãn là rất cao. Và đây là một chủ đề mà thật buồn cười vì tôi đã nghĩ, hmm, tôi biết Stephen làm nghiên cứu, vì vậy anh ấy có thể đã hỏi Jill. Tôi rất tự tin rằng Jill sẽ nói điều tương tự. Lý do là vì chúng tôi luôn kiểm tra lẫn nhau. Chúng tôi luôn như, bạn cảm thấy thế nào ngay bây giờ? Đúng. Chúng ta có cảm thấy như đang đi đúng hướng không? Bạn biết đấy, khi tôi nghĩ về việc, bạn có sự thỏa mãn mạnh mẽ trong mối quan hệ của mình không? Những câu hỏi luôn xuất hiện trong đầu là, bạn có cảm thấy an toàn với đối tác của mình không? Bạn có cảm thấy an toàn không? Bạn có cảm thấy mình có thể bày tỏ sự dễ bị tổn thương thực sự với họ không? Đúng. Đó là một. Thứ hai là bạn có cảm thấy được tôn trọng không? Bạn biết đấy, với nghiên cứu của John Gottman, số một. Bạn biết đấy, ông ấy đã thấy rằng ông có thể dự đoán ly hôn với xác suất trên 99% hoặc 90% vì sự khinh thường hoặc thiếu tôn trọng trong mối quan hệ. Bạn có cảm thấy mình được tôn trọng không? Một câu hỏi nữa. Bạn có lạc quan về hướng đi của mối quan hệ không? Điều này cho thấy mức độ nỗ lực và công sức mà đối tác của bạn đang bỏ vào mối quan hệ. Nhiều người trong chúng ta cảm thấy tuyệt vọng về tương lai vì chúng ta biết đối tác của mình không làm gì để thúc đẩy mối quan hệ. Vậy bạn có đang nuôi dưỡng mối quan hệ không? Nhiều người trong chúng ta nhanh chóng chú trọng vào tình yêu bản thân bây giờ và nuôi dưỡng bản thân. Nhưng câu hỏi là bạn đã nuôi dưỡng mối quan hệ này bao nhiêu? Bởi vì đó là một thực thể riêng biệt. Bạn đang nói về các cuộc trò chuyện bên gối với Jill về mối quan hệ và điều đó thường xuyên là một phần trong cuộc trò chuyện trong gia đình bạn. Một trong những điều mà tôi đang suy nghĩ khi bạn nói điều đó là, liệu chúng ta có nên dành nhiều thời gian hơn để nói về mối quan hệ với đối tác của chúng ta không? Bởi vì nếu tôi nghĩ về mối quan hệ mà tôi đang có bây giờ, chúng tôi đã dành rất nhiều thời gian để nói về mối quan hệ. Trong khi đó, trong những mối quan hệ trước đây, đó là một con voi trong phòng mọi lúc. Chúng tôi không bao giờ thực sự có cơ hội hay diễn đàn để hỏi những câu hỏi về những nhu cầu chưa được đáp ứng hay bạn có hạnh phúc không, vv… Và tôi chỉ nghĩ rằng có lẽ phần thiếu sót cho nhiều người trong các mối quan hệ là họ không có không gian trong tuần của họ để ngồi và nói về chính mối quan hệ. Vì vậy, vâng, chúng ta nên nói nhiều hơn chắc chắn? Liệu điều đó có cứu vãn nhiều mối quan hệ không? Chắc chắn rồi. Liệu điều đó có tăng cường sự thỏa mãn không? Chắc chắn rồi. Chúng ta không có đủ thời gian sao? Tôi sẽ nói rằng điều này trở thành cái cớ của chúng ta. Chúng ta bận rộn với cuộc sống như thế. Hãy nghĩ về điều này. Tôi bận rộn với cuộc sống đến mức tôi không thể dành thời gian cho người mà tôi dự định sẽ sống suốt đời. Chúng ta phải ưu tiên mối quan hệ với đối tác của mình. Chúng ta phải ưu tiên điều này. Chúng ta phải tìm ra khi nào chúng ta có thể bố trí thời gian để nói chuyện và thực sự phải nói về những điều quan trọng. Tôi rất chắc chắn rằng hầu hết đàn ông thậm chí không nhận ra, đặc biệt trong các mối quan hệ dị tính, các mối quan hệ luyến ái khác biệt, hầu hết đàn ông thậm chí không nhận ra rằng đối tác của họ không đạt được khoái cảm mỗi khi quan hệ tình dục. Bạn nhìn vào khoảng cách khoái cảm và bạn nói, “Ôi Chúa ơi, bạn có 95% đàn ông đạt được khoái cảm và 65% phụ nữ, có thể cao hơn một chút trong những mối quan hệ đã cam kết này.”

    Điều đó có nghĩa là có một tỷ lệ đáng kể phụ nữ không bao giờ đạt được khoái cảm và tôi cá là đối tác của họ hoàn toàn không biết điều đó. Không có ý tưởng gì cả. Tại sao? Bởi vì chưa có bất kỳ cuộc trò chuyện nào xung quanh vấn đề này.
    Bây giờ, vấn đề này là một con đường hai chiều. Không chỉ là vấn đề của đàn ông, anh ta cần phải nhận thức và có cuộc trò chuyện, mà cô ấy cũng cần có khả năng cho anh biết. Nhưng bạn biết tại sao cô ấy có thể không nói cho anh biết không? Bởi vì cô ấy không muốn làm tổn thương cảm xúc của anh. Cô ấy đã không đạt được khoái cảm trong suốt 10 năm qua, vì vậy cô ấy cảm thấy nếu đề cập đến điều này bây giờ, nó sẽ gây hại cho mối quan hệ. Vì vậy, cô ấy đang cố gắng bảo vệ anh hoặc cô ấy xấu hổ hoặc có lý do gì đó.
    Anh ấy hoàn toàn không biết và không nhận thức được và họ không bao giờ nói về đời sống tình dục của họ. Thực tế là, đời sống tình dục của họ chỉ là một kịch bản, mà thường thì đời sống tình dục của hầu hết mọi người là như vậy. Nó chỉ đơn giản là một kịch bản. Có hai hoặc ba động tác được thực hiện, đàn ông đạt được khoái cảm, phụ nữ thì không. Chỉ có vậy thôi.
    Hãy nghĩ xem sẽ mạnh mẽ như thế nào nếu họ có thể đơn giản chỉ có đối thoại và thảo luận. Tuy nhiên, để bắt đầu hành vi đó thì rất khó. Tôi tưởng tượng rằng trong mối quan hệ của bạn với Jill, các bạn đang ở một trình độ khá cao, đúng không? Vậy nếu bạn ở cấp độ một, thì cấp độ một trong karate là gì? Có phải là đai trắng không?
    Ồ, đúng vậy, đai trắng.
    Nếu bạn như đai trắng trong những chuyện này, thì trong suốt 10 năm qua bạn và đối tác của bạn thực sự không nói về những điều này. Nó luôn như một con voi trong phòng. Có rất nhiều điều chưa được nói ra. Bạn sẽ gợi ý gì như một điểm khởi đầu tốt để bắt đầu cuộc trò chuyện theo hướng này?
    Được rồi, tôi thích điều này. Những bước nhỏ. Trong cuốn sách, tôi nói về việc chúng ta phải bình thường hóa thực tế rằng chúng ta sẽ bị thu hút bởi những người khác ngoài đối tác của mình. Không ai muốn nói về điều đó. Không ai muốn nói rằng cứ như là chỉ có đối tác của mình vậy. Không có ai khác cả, đúng không?
    Bạn có bị thu hút bởi những người khác không?
    Ôi, Steven, nào bạn. Có không?
    Chắc chắn, chắc chắn rồi. Không chỉ vậy, mà còn có nhiều hình thức thu hút khác nhau. Bạn biết đấy, có thu hút thể chất, thu hút tình dục, và thu hút tình cảm. Nhưng để trả lời câu hỏi của bạn về những gì bạn nên làm nếu bạn ở cấp độ một trong mối quan hệ của mình là bạn bắt đầu với những bước nhỏ này.
    Jill và tôi, chúng tôi đã phải bắt đầu với chủ đề thu hút này vì tôi gặp rất nhiều khó khăn trong việc tưởng tượng vợ mình bị thu hút bởi người khác. Tôi không thể hiểu nổi, sự ghen tuông, lo âu, sự hồi hộp. Tôi có kiểu gắn bó lo âu. Vì vậy, nó chỉ là nỗi sợ hãi, đúng không?
    Và có rất nhiều điều khác nhau mà bạn có thể làm, nhưng tôi sẽ đưa ra hai cái. Một là bạn chỉ cần phải bình thường hóa rằng những hành vi này là một phần của trải nghiệm con người. Tất cả chúng ta đều có sự thu hút thể xác. Một số người chúng ta sẽ có sự thu hút tình dục. Một số người sẽ có sự thu hút tình cảm với những người không phải là đối tác của mình. Nếu ai đó phủ nhận điều này, họ đang nói dối, được không? Đây là một. Chúng ta phải bình thường hóa điều này. Khi chúng ta đã bình thường hóa, chúng ta bắt đầu có những cuộc trò chuyện xung quanh nó.
    Vậy Jill và tôi đã làm gì quanh điều này, và cô ấy sẽ ghét tôi vì đã nói điều này, nhưng tôi đã viết điều này trong cuốn sách, vì vậy cũng không sao, là chúng tôi bắt đầu nói về những người nổi tiếng. Một cách dễ dàng, cấp thấp. Những người mà chỉ trong tầm tay. Ai là người bạn thấy quyến rũ, blah, blah, blah. Tôi nhận thấy rằng vợ tôi, như tôi nghĩ 99,999% phụ nữ và đàn ông, rất thích Idris Elba. Cô ấy như: Idris là quá tuyệt. Đến mức tôi đã nghĩ: bạn sẽ rời bỏ tôi vì Idris Elba à? Tôi nghĩ cô ấy sẽ thật sự rời bỏ tôi vì người đàn ông này.
    Nhưng chúng tôi bắt đầu có những cuộc trò chuyện quanh điều này. Nó trở thành một trò đùa, đúng không? Nó được nhúng vào sự bình thường hóa của nó, và sau đó tôi bắt đầu làm điều mà tôi gọi là đưa suy nghĩ của tôi ra tòa.
    Đưa suy nghĩ của bạn ra tòa, đúng không? Trong khi tôi sẽ xác định, được rồi, vấn đề là gì? Cảm xúc là gì? Nó thực sự là nỗi sợ. Nếu Jill đang nói về một người khác, cô ấy đã từng ở bên, đó là nỗi sợ. Nhưng sau đó tôi, sau đó tôi, tôi khai thác nỗi sợ đó. Tôi đang sợ điều gì? Tôi sợ cô ấy sẽ rời bỏ tôi. Cô ấy sẽ rời bỏ tôi, đúng không? Nhưng rồi hãy đưa suy nghĩ đó ra tòa. Những sự thật nào có thể hỗ trợ hoặc bác bỏ những cảm xúc đó?
    Chà, tôi đã ở bên Jill hơn 20 năm rồi, đúng không? Cô ấy chưa bao giờ, chúng tôi có mức độ hài lòng cao. Thật bình thường khi có sự thu hút, đúng không?
    Vì vậy, bạn đưa suy nghĩ của bạn ra tòa, và sau đó bạn có thể bắt đầu điều chỉnh lại quan điểm của mình về điều đó. Vì vậy, nó đi đến mức bạn có biết rằng vào mỗi ngày kỷ niệm, Jill nhận được bó hoa lớn nhất từ Idris Elba không? Tôi viết, yêu Idris Elba. Vì vậy, tôi viết điều này. Và bây giờ, nó đã chuyển đến một điểm mà tôi không thể chịu nổi ý tưởng này đến bây giờ thì nó, nó hoàn toàn bình thường hóa.
    Có những trò đùa về điều đó. Vì vậy, thật rất quan trọng đối với chúng ta để bình thường hóa, có những cuộc trò chuyện này, đưa suy nghĩ của chúng ta ra tòa. Và nếu chúng ta, và chúng ta phải nhận ra điều này, và tôi đã viết về điều này trong cuốn sách, rằng cũng là điều lành mạnh khi có những nghi ngờ về mối quan hệ của bạn. Chúng ta được bảo rằng nếu bạn đang trong một mối quan hệ tuyệt vời, nếu bạn tìm thấy người bạn đời của mình, bạn không nên bao giờ nghi ngờ. Huyền thoại, huyền thoại, đúng không?
    Nó là điều lành mạnh để có những nghi ngờ, nhưng có những nghi ngờ lành mạnh. Có những nghi ngờ không lành mạnh. Nếu đó là nghi ngờ liên quan đến sự phát triển của mối quan hệ của bạn, thì lành mạnh khi bạn thể hiện điều đó. Nếu đó là nghi ngờ căn cứ vào nỗi sợ riêng của bạn hoặc sự lo âu hoặc chấn thương của bạn, thì điều đó không lành mạnh. Vì vậy, để biết điều đó thông tin, bạn biết đấy, nhận thức được cách mà Jill và tôi đã xử lý ý tưởng rằng chúng ta hãy bình thường hóa cuộc trò chuyện.
    Hãy thử xem đây có phải là một nghi ngờ lành mạnh không? Có. Chúng ta hãy xây dựng điều này vào trong mối quan hệ của chúng ta.
    Vậy, Jill, tôi biết Jill rất thích Ija Selba, và cô ấy biết rằng tôi sẽ rời bỏ cô ấy vì một Beyonce.
    Vâng, tôi nghĩ điều đó là hợp lý.”
    Đúng vậy, tôi có thể tưởng tượng rằng tôi có một loại thính giả nhất định, và họ thì… Ồ, tôi sẽ diễn đạt điều này như thế nào nhỉ? Họ phát triển hơn về sự tò mò, sự hấp dẫn và sự sẵn lòng phát triển và tiến bộ trong mối quan hệ. Tôi sẽ cá rằng, và tôi hiểu là có phần thiên lệch, rằng thường thì phụ nữ sẽ cởi mở hơn so với đàn ông trong việc học hỏi, phát triển và làm sâu sắc thêm mối liên kết. Tôi nghĩ rằng thường là phụ nữ hơn là đàn ông. Tôi đoán rằng có nhiều phụ nữ mua sách của bạn hơn là đàn ông. Đúng. Và tôi cũng đoán rằng khi tôi nói về tình yêu và mối quan hệ, thường thì không phải lúc nào cũng như vậy, nhưng thường thì nhiều phụ nữ hơn đang cố gắng học để làm sâu sắc thêm mối quan hệ của họ.
    Vì vậy, tôi tưởng tượng có một người nào đó trong khán giả của tôi đã ngồi đó suy nghĩ, “Tôi muốn làm điều này, tôi muốn có những cuộc trò chuyện này với bạn đời của mình.” Tôi muốn phá bỏ một số bức tường và bắt đầu nói về việc thiếu khoái cảm mà tôi đã trải qua trong vài năm qua. Tôi muốn nói về X, Y và Z, nhưng tôi biết rằng nếu tôi đưa ra cuộc trò chuyện này với Dave, anh ấy sẽ nghĩ tôi kỳ quặc. Anh ấy sẽ đảo mắt và bật lại bóng đá, và tôi cảm thấy không hài lòng với mối quan hệ này, nhưng vì chúng tôi không có cầu nối giao tiếp, tôi cảm thấy như mình đang đứng trước một sự lựa chọn. Tôi có nên rời bỏ anh ta hay chịu đựng điều này và chấp nhận nó như một bước đầu tiên để lấp đầy khoảng trống? Điều đó là gì? Tôi có nên tắt bóng đá và la hét vào anh ấy không? Tôi có nên gửi cho anh ấy liên kết đến podcast này không? Tôi nghĩ đó có lẽ là lựa chọn tốt nhất. Tôi nghĩ chỉ cần tiếp tục chia sẻ podcast. Tôi nghĩ việc chia sẻ podcast với mọi người xung quanh là điều… Tôi đùa thôi. Không, không, không, không, không, không.
    Bởi vì tôi đã được mời. Tôi đã nghĩ rằng đây là điều đúng… Tôi nghĩ rằng anh ấy thật sự đang thúc ép điều này. Anh ấy đã nói điều đó năm lần. Tôi đã có liên kết. Thật sự, đây là bước đầu tiên.
    Vậy giả sử là Lottie và Dave. Vâng. Được rồi. Lottie đang nghe chúng ta ngay bây giờ và cô ấy muốn làm sâu sắc thêm kết nối cảm xúc với bạn đời Dave của mình. Cô ấy nên làm gì?
    Cô ấy gửi cho Dave một liên kết đến podcast này và nói, “Cùng nhau nghe cái này đi. Hãy có một buổi tối hẹn hò. Cùng nhau nghe cái này đi. Và hãy trò chuyện về những gì đang xảy ra.” Bạn biết điều gì tôi nhận thấy với một trong những chương trình mà tôi đồng dẫn chương trình, “Married at First Sight UK”? Điều khiến tôi rất tự hào là tôi thường bị dừng lại bởi những người đàn ông. Họ sẽ nói, “Paul, tôi xem chương trình của bạn với bạn đời của tôi. Và bọn trẻ cũng xem nó. Chúng tôi tranh luận về những gì bạn nói. Đôi khi chúng tôi không đồng ý với bạn, nhưng đôi khi chúng tôi đồng ý với bạn.” Tôi nghĩ đây là điều chúng ta cần vì chỉ việc nói về nó và có cuộc trò chuyện xung quanh nó giúp nâng cao nhận thức, điều này giúp bạn bắt đầu phát triển kỹ năng, điều này cho phép bạn bắt đầu chữa lành. Và cuối cùng, đó chính là lý do của liệu pháp.
    Liệu pháp là chữa lành. Vì vậy, việc có cuộc đối thoại dựa trên podcast này, dựa trên một cuốn sách, dựa trên một chương trình truyền hình thật sự không chỉ là một bước đầu tiên. Đó là một bước quan trọng hướng tới việc có được đai đen của bạn. Tôi đang nghĩ về lịch sử của các mối quan hệ. Tôi thường tự hỏi có bao nhiêu quy tắc về mối quan hệ mà chúng ta đã được xã hội truyền cho bây giờ là không còn hợp lệ hoặc có thể là khi nào thì chúng hợp lệ.
    Bạn biết đấy, chúng ta có những cấu trúc kiểu như hôn nhân và hôn nhân một vợ một chồng và thậm chí là sự dị tính, tất cả những điều này đã được truyền qua tôn giáo và lịch sử. Tôi đã nhìn thấy một số thống kê về hôn nhân và nó nói rằng vào năm 2019, tỷ lệ hôn nhân của các cặp đôi khác giới đã giảm xuống mức thấp nhất được ghi nhận kể từ năm 1862. Điều này ở Vương quốc Anh. Và ở Hoa Kỳ, tỷ lệ hôn nhân đã giảm kể từ đầu những năm 1970. Tôi không lấy chồng, nhưng tôi dành rất nhiều thời gian để suy nghĩ xem tôi có nên lấy vợ hay không. Thực sự, tôi đã có một cuộc trò chuyện gần đây với bạn gái, nơi tôi đã hỏi, “Bạn có muốn kết hôn không?” Và rõ ràng là cô ấy muốn kết hôn. Nhưng sau đó tôi đã hỏi tại sao và thực sự có vẻ như nó chỉ là để tổ chức đám cưới hơn là một loại hợp đồng pháp lý mà chúng tôi ký với chính phủ. Vì vậy, tôi thực sự tự hỏi, dựa trên tất cả những gì chúng ta biết về lịch sử và những sự đánh đổi của hôn nhân, liệu tôi có nên kết hôn không?
    Có, vì bạn gái của bạn muốn như vậy. Liệu điều đó có đủ lý do không? Được rồi, vì vậy tôi nghĩ rằng thể chế hôn nhân, điều mà bạn sẽ thấy, đây là dự đoán của tôi, là vì các gia đình hạt nhân. Bạn có nghĩa là gia đình hạt nhân là gì? À, thật thú vị. Có nhiều quan điểm khác nhau về gia đình hạt nhân, nhưng tôi nhìn nhận nó như là bạn có hai người bạn đời và trẻ con, và điều đó tạo ra gia đình hạt nhân. Điều đó trở thành một đơn vị kinh tế thúc đẩy xã hội. Và khi điều này biến mất, có ít cơ sở hơn để thúc đẩy xã hội theo cách mà nhiều nhà nghiên cứu đã chỉ ra.
    Vì vậy, tôi tin rằng điều sẽ xảy ra như chúng ta thấy ngay bây giờ ở Singapore, như chúng ta thấy ngay bây giờ ở Trung Quốc, như chúng ta thấy ngay bây giờ ở Nhật Bản, bạn sẽ thấy chính phủ tham gia mạnh mẽ vào việc khuyến khích hôn nhân. Và hôn nhân hiện đã được khuyến khích ngay bây giờ về mặt lợi ích thuế, khả năng để để lại tài sản cho bạn đời của bạn hoặc để lại tài sản cho các thành viên trong gia đình. Vì vậy, do sự giảm sút của hôn nhân và sự giảm của các gia đình hạt nhân, bạn sẽ thấy chính phủ sẽ tăng cường hơn nữa để khuyến khích. Vì vậy, bạn sẽ thấy tất cả các loại lợi ích được đưa ra cho mọi người để kết hôn, đặc biệt khi bạn không chỉ thấy tỷ lệ hôn nhân giảm mà còn thấy tỷ lệ sinh cũng đang giảm như vậy. Câu hỏi của bạn về việc bạn nên làm gì là một câu hỏi về giá trị, và đây là một câu hỏi mà tôi nghĩ là rất quan trọng để thảo luận sớm. Bây giờ, tôi đã nói rằng khi bạn gặp ai đó, bạn nên nêu rõ những gì bạn muốn. Đây là một câu hỏi rất quan trọng để hỏi sớm, ngay từ đầu.
    Bây giờ, về việc bạn đang ở đâu với bạn đời của mình, tôi sẽ nói rằng nếu cô ấy ủng hộ điều này, và bạn lại thờ ơ, có vẻ như bạn khá thờ ơ, không phản đối nhưng chỉ thờ ơ.
    Vâng, tôi nghĩ tôi khá trung lập về nó.
    Tuy nhiên, tôi có thể chỉ ra rất nhiều nhược điểm của việc kết hôn.
    Thật sao? Như thế nào?
    Thực ra, tôi không biết, vì tôi chưa kết hôn.
    Vì vậy, tất cả những người đã kết hôn đang gào lên với tôi.
    Tôi biết điều này vì họ nhắn tin cho tôi.
    Họ đã nhắn tin cho tôi trong nhiều, nhiều năm kể từ khi tôi bắt đầu Diary of a CEO, vì trong một số tập đầu tiên, tôi thực sự không, tôi thực sự khá phản đối điều đó.
    Nhưng theo thời gian, tôi đã phát triển suy nghĩ của mình về chuyện này.
    Tôi chỉ tự hỏi, tôi không thể hiểu được các nguyên tắc cơ bản về việc tại sao việc có một hợp đồng như chính phủ hoặc tôn giáo với ai đó lại làm tăng khả năng thành công trong cuộc hôn nhân.
    Rõ ràng có vấn đề với tình huống thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân.
    Tôi thực sự không lo lắng về điều này với bạn đời của mình.
    Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ bạn ấy, tôi nghĩ bạn đã gặp, bạn đã gặp, đúng không?
    À, đúng rồi.
    Từ xa.
    Đúng, từ xa.
    Tôi không lo lắng rằng cô ấy sẽ cố gắng làm tôi phá sản hoặc rằng tôi có thể cố gắng làm cô ấy phá sản.
    Vì vậy, đó không thực sự phải là vấn đề.
    Toàn bộ trò hề như tổ chức một đám cưới lớn, tôi nghĩ thật hơi kỳ lạ.
    Tôi nghĩ sao chúng ta không thể tổ chức nhiều sự kiện trong 50 năm tới để đưa bạn bè và gia đình của chúng ta so với một lần.
    Tôi cũng đã theo dõi một vài người bạn của tôi hiện đang kết hôn.
    Họ trải qua hai năm đau khổ và trái tim tan nát và phải hủy hẹn để có thể chi trả cho một ngày cưới này, dường như rất hợp lý với tôi.
    Chúng tôi có một người bạn đặc biệt phải hủy rất nhiều thứ cho niềm vui hàng ngày của họ để tiết kiệm cho một sự kiện lớn này, điều này khiến cả hai đều cảm thấy căng thẳng.
    Và tôi không nghĩ họ sẽ, ừm, tôi không nghĩ anh ấy sẽ có khoảng thời gian tuyệt vời tại đám cưới, bởi vì anh ấy dường như rất căng thẳng về tất cả những điều này.
    Tôi thỉnh thoảng nghe rằng mọi người không thể thoát khỏi cuộc hôn nhân của mình mà không phải nộp đơn ly hôn thông qua luật sư và đi ra tòa để tranh cãi.
    Tôi chỉ nghĩ rằng bạn nên được tự do rời đi nếu bạn muốn rời đi.
    Tôi không biết. Tôi chỉ nghĩ rằng đây là một phép so sánh tồi tệ và hoàn toàn không liên quan.
    Nhưng như trong bóng đá, nhiều vấn đề mà tôi thấy với câu lạc bộ yêu thích Manchester United của tôi lúc này là chúng tôi có những người đang có hợp đồng năm năm mà chúng tôi không thể loại bỏ.
    Và họ muốn ra đi, chúng tôi cũng muốn họ ra đi vì chúng tôi đã ký hợp đồng dài hạn với họ.
    Thật khó khăn.
    Và bây giờ những cầu thủ này đang bị bỏ vào phòng dự bị và họ không chơi bóng đá và chúng tôi hoàn toàn bỏ qua họ vì chúng tôi không thể thoát khỏi hợp đồng.
    Vâng.
    Vì vậy tôi chỉ nghĩ rằng.
    Vâng, tôi nghe bạn. Tôi nghe bạn.
    Được rồi. Chúng ta có thể nói về điều này không?
    Có.
    Được rồi.
    Có rất nhiều cuộc hôn nhân thế tục nên bạn không cần phải làm bất cứ điều gì liên quan đến tôn giáo.
    Và có vẻ như một khó khăn lớn mà bạn gặp phải có thể là số một là đám cưới.
    Bởi vì nhưng đám cưới với tôi, cơ sở của nó là một tuyên bố công khai về tình yêu của bạn.
    Và theo điểm của bạn, nó có thể nhỏ như bạn muốn, nó có thể lớn như bạn muốn, bạn có thể có bao nhiêu cũng được.
    Đúng không?
    Tuyên bố công khai đó có thể diễn ra 50 lần trong 50 năm.
    Tuỳ thuộc vào bạn.
    Vì vậy, đó là bạn và bạn đời của bạn điều hướng không gian đó về việc thoát khỏi nó.
    Đây là sự thay đổi lớn nhất mà chúng ta cần trong các cuộc hôn nhân.
    Các cuộc hôn nhân, theo ý kiến của tôi, nên khó hơn để bước vào.
    Bạn không nên có thể, như thật sự, với bạn đời của bạn, đến Vegas, lái xe lên.
    Vì vậy, một cái đi qua, bạn có thể có một người giả Elvis Presley kết hôn cho bạn.
    Bạn trả 25 đô la và bạn đã kết hôn.
    Thật là vô lý.
    Tôi nghĩ rằng cần phải có các rào cản.
    Cần phải có một dạng kiểm tra nào đó, một hình thức tư vấn trước hôn nhân.
    Để mọi người đều nhận thức được sự cam kết sẽ được thực hiện.
    Và bạn có những công cụ, bạn có kỹ năng về quản lý xung đột, v.v.
    Nó cần phải khó khăn.
    Nhưng nếu bạn muốn ra, bạn nên có thể ra đi trong vòng một giờ.
    Điều đó nên dễ dàng.
    Đưa Elvis Presley lên và nói rằng đã xong, 25 đô la.
    Miễn phí.
    Vâng.
    Miễn phí, đúng không?
    Đó là cách nó nên diễn ra.
    Nhưng mà bây giờ thì ngược lại.
    Bây giờ bạn đúng.
    Hôn nhân khó để thoát ra.
    Điều đó đang thay đổi.
    Giờ đây có sự giới thiệu đặc biệt ở Vương quốc Anh về quy định không có lỗi, đúng không?
    Nhưng điều đó vẫn tốn thời gian, nó vẫn có thể mất sáu tháng hoặc hơn.
    Vẫn có rất nhiều thương lượng.
    Vì vậy, tôi đồng ý với bạn rằng nó nên dễ hơn để ra.
    Nhưng cuối cùng, hôn nhân là một tuyên bố về cam kết được thực hiện một cách chính thức.
    Có phải bạn không thể làm điều đó mà không cần kết hôn không?
    Có phải bạn không thể thực hiện một tuyên bố cam kết mà không cần phải đến nhà thờ hay bất kỳ đâu khác và ký vào các tài liệu và đồ khác không?
    Tôi không biết.
    Liệu có thể không?
    Có thể.
    Bạn biết đấy.
    Có thể.
    Tôi nghĩ tôi chỉ có vấn đề với cam kết.
    Tôi nghĩ đó có thể là lý do.
    Vâng.
    Tôi nghĩ đó là cốt lõi của vấn đề.
    Bởi vì bạn biết điều gì thú vị với tôi là bạn đã sẵn sàng hỏi, ồ, làm thế nào để tôi thoát khỏi điều này?
    Vâng.
    Và nó gần như cảm giác như có sự sợ hãi khi cam kết với ai đó cho phần còn lại của cuộc đời bạn.
    Vâng.
    Bởi vì đó là một cam kết lớn, tôi có nghĩa là, hãy suy nghĩ về điều này.
    Bạn sẽ cam kết với ai đó cho phần còn lại của cuộc đời bạn, cho những ngày còn lại của bạn.
    Và những gì chúng ta cảm thấy, bởi vì tôi đã ở đó, vì khi tôi…
    Tôi cảm thấy lo âu khi bạn nói điều đó.
    Tôi như, “Chết tiệt, phần còn lại của cuộc đời tôi.”
    Phần còn lại của cuộc đời bạn.
    Nhưng hãy suy nghĩ về điều này, lo âu là nỗi sợ hãi của những gì chưa đến.
    Điều đó có nghĩa là bạn có thể điều tra suy nghĩ của mình.
    Bạn sợ điều gì?
    Nỗi sợ là gì?
    Nhưng không phải là một ý tưởng tồi tệ khi cam kết với ai đó cho đến khi cái chết chia lìa hai người sao?
    Bởi vì hãy tưởng tượng nếu tôi nói với bạn rằng bạn phải chọn một công việc và rồi bạn phải làm nó mãi mãi.
    Vâng.
    Sự chần chừ mà sẽ xảy ra bởi vì tầm quan trọng của quyết định đó
    sẽ khiến bạn không thể chọn bất kỳ công việc nào cả, vì bạn sẽ nghĩ, “Tôi phải chọn một công việc và làm nó mãi mãi.”
    Và bạn sẽ trở thành một người cầu toàn.
    Bạn sẽ tìm kiếm sự hoàn hảo trong từng công việc.
    Và có thể một phần vấn đề là vì chúng ta coi hôn nhân là một điều gì đó rất cuối cùng
    nên chúng ta thực sự phải đảm bảo rằng sự lựa chọn đó phải hoàn hảo.
    Nó phải hoàn hảo.
    Tôi đồng ý.
    Đây là một trong những huyền thoại, phải không?
    Toàn bộ khái niệm “đến khi cái chết chia lìa” này thực sự đã được truyền lại cho chúng ta từ tôn giáo.
    Nếu bạn nhìn vào đạo Cơ đốc, đạo Hindu, thậm chí nhiều lễ cưới Hồi giáo hiện đại,
    có một sự hình thành rằng bạn sẽ sống với người bạn đời này cho phần còn lại của cuộc đời bạn.
    Và tôi nghĩ điều đó thực sự khiến chúng ta cảm thấy hài lòng ở mức thấp hơn.
    Nó khiến chúng ta trở nên bằng lòng.
    Ôi, đây là tất cả những gì chúng ta có.
    Thay vào đó–
    Họ không thể bỏ tôi.
    Họ không thể bỏ tôi.
    Vì vậy, tôi đã không phải cố gắng nhiều như vậy.
    Tôi thậm chí còn không phải nói chuyện với họ bây giờ.
    Vâng.
    Tôi không phải đến phòng tập thể dục.
    Không.
    Tôi có thể chỉ ngồi đây.
    Tuy nhiên, đó là một huyền thoại, bởi vì chúng ta biết tỷ lệ ly hôn là bao nhiêu, tỷ lệ ly thân
    là như thế nào.
    Chúng ta biết rằng có– bạn có thể ly hôn.
    Vì vậy, bạn có thể ra ngoài.
    Cô ấy có thể ra ngoài.
    Chúng ta phải để điều đó sang một bên.
    Nhưng chìa khóa là suy nghĩ về khi tôi tra hỏi nỗi sợ hãi là, thế upside là gì?
    Upside của việc có một người bạn đời suốt đời là gì?
    Bạn sẽ nói rằng, những điều tốt đẹp là gì?
    Ý tôi là, tôi cũng có thể liệt kê những điều tốt đẹp, tôi nghĩ vậy.
    Có một cảm giác ổn định và tập trung khi bạn biết rằng nhà cửa của bạn
    về cơ bản đã ổn định.
    Đặc biệt là với tư cách là một doanh nhân, tôi khuyên bất cứ ai đang theo đuổi một thử thách lớn, mệt mỏi,
    bão táp, không chắc chắn như việc xây dựng một doanh nghiệp nên có một người bạn đời ở nhà.
    Và tôi biết Sir Alex Ferguson rất chú trọng đến điều này.
    Khi ông chọn các cầu thủ cho Manchester United, ông thường hỏi về việc
    họ có đang trong mối quan hệ không.
    Bởi vì nếu họ có một cuộc sống gia đình ổn định, thì họ sẽ tập trung hơn vào sân tập.
    Và tôi thấy điều đó ở bản thân mình.
    Bạn cần một nền tảng ổn định.
    Nếu bạn độc thân, tôi nghĩ, với tư cách là một doanh nhân, điều đó có thể trở thành một yếu tố phân tâm khổng lồ.
    Một sự phân tâm khổng lồ.
    Bởi vì một mặt, bạn đang cố gắng xây dựng điều gì đó ở đây.
    Và bạn đang cố gắng xây dựng điều gì đó ở đây.
    Tôi nghĩ hôn nhân cũng hữu ích, vì khi bạn biết rằng rất khó để ra ngoài,
    điều đó có nghĩa là việc rời bỏ không phải là con đường dễ dàng nhất, điều đó có nghĩa là bạn sẽ
    có khả năng liệu có thể đi trị liệu trước.
    Và bạn có khả năng sẽ xem liệu bạn có thể sửa chữa nó và tìm ra nó thay vì chỉ vứt bỏ nó.
    Vâng.
    Vì vậy, nó trở nên ít “có thể vứt bỏ”, điều đó có nghĩa là bạn có khả năng hơn để chiến đấu sửa chữa mọi thứ.
    Còn những lợi ích khác là gì?
    Ý tôi là, những số liệu thống kê, đúng không?
    Vì vậy, những số liệu thống kê về sức khỏe và tài chính đều cho thấy nếu bạn đang trong một mối quan hệ tốt,
    sản xuất và lành mạnh, bạn sẽ kiếm được nhiều tiền hơn.
    Tôi nghĩ là 4% mỗi năm trong một cuộc hôn nhân hiệu quả.
    Cả hai người bạn đời đều kiếm được nhiều hơn 4% mỗi năm.
    Và theo Robert Weldinger, người đã xuất hiện trên chương trình, bạn sẽ sống lâu hơn.
    Vì vậy tôi hiểu.
    Và bạn sẽ khỏe mạnh hơn.
    Bạn sẽ khỏe mạnh hơn.
    Vâng.
    Ít bệnh tật hơn.
    Bạn tốt, Stephen.
    Bạn có biết điều đó là gì không?
    Tôi không cố gắng ném hôn nhân ra.
    Tôi đang tự hỏi liệu có một sự thay thế nào không.
    Bạn có biết một phần của tôi cũng vậy không?
    Nếu bạn nhìn vào cách mà tôi sống cuộc đời của mình, tôi luôn cố gắng kiểm tra hệ thống.
    Vì vậy, trường học, như không đi học, bỏ học đại học, trở thành một doanh nhân.
    Luôn có một chút “không quan tâm” đối với hệ thống và thực sự dừng lại hỏi
    những gì tôi đang được giao như là câu trả lời đúng để tra hỏi xem liệu nó có còn hợp lệ hay không.
    Được rồi.
    Vì vậy, như nhiều câu trả lời tôi đã nhận được, bạn đi học đại học, rồi bạn đi xin việc và
    sau đó bạn phát CV của mình.
    Tất cả những điều này đã chứng minh trong cuộc sống của tôi chỉ là những điều vô nghĩa.
    Có một cách tốt hơn.
    Vì vậy, khi tôi gặp một hệ thống truyền thống như hôn nhân, ngay lập tức tôi nói, ừm,
    hãy tra hỏi điều này.
    Vâng.
    Và tôi sẽ nói tôi đồng ý với bạn.
    Hãy ném hệ thống ra ngoài.
    Hãy nghĩ về chỉ một điều và bạn đã nói điều này và có nghiên cứu đứng sau điều này.
    Đó là mô hình đầu tư, phải không?
    Lý thuyết.
    Vì vậy, càng đầu tư nhiều vào việc chuẩn bị cho mối quan hệ của bạn, vào chính mối quan hệ,
    càng đầu tư nhiều thời gian, tài nguyên, tất cả các tài nguyên, thì sự hài lòng của bạn càng cao.
    Đó là sự thật, đúng không?
    Đó là nghiên cứu.
    Đó chứ là những gì bạn đang nói, đúng không?
    Vì vậy, đó là cách mà tôi sẽ tiếp cận nó, là làm thế nào tôi có thể đầu tư càng nhiều càng tốt vào
    mối quan hệ với người mà tôi yêu?
    Điều gì dự đoán một cuộc hôn nhân thành công trong quan điểm của bạn?
    Một lần nữa, thành công là gì?
    Đối với tôi, thành công là sự hài lòng cao.
    Sự hài lòng cao có liên quan mạnh mẽ đến sự hạnh phúc.
    Tiến sĩ Carol Riff, tôi nghĩ, là người tiên phong trong lĩnh vực hạnh phúc.
    Bà không nhận được đủ công lao.
    Bà đã tạo ra một mô hình gọi là Sáu Kích Thước của Sự Hạnh Phúc Tâm Lý.
    Và về cơ bản, nếu chúng ta đang làm việc để tăng cường mỗi một trong những chiều hướng này.
    Vì vậy, ví dụ, một cái là có một tầm nhìn về cuộc sống của bạn.
    Tầm nhìn đó là gì?
    Và câu hỏi là, bạn có cảm thấy bạn đang tích cực theo đuổi tầm nhìn đó không?
    Nếu bạn không cảm thấy bạn biết tầm nhìn của mình là gì hoặc bạn không đang theo đuổi nó,
    bạn sẽ có sự hạnh phúc thấp hơn, đúng không?
    Vì vậy, càng có sự hạnh phúc cao hơn mà bạn có cá nhân, sự hài lòng trong mối quan hệ của bạn càng cao,
    cuộc mối quan hệ của bạn càng thành công.
    Có những phẩm chất cơ bản nào mà tôi nên tìm kiếm ở một người bạn đời tốt không?
    Ôi, đúng rồi. Tôi có thể kể tên hàng triệu.
    Nhưng cái lõi, cái lõi mà tôi thích viết về là, và thật ra, tôi sẽ tổng hợp nó. Bạn muốn có một người bạn đời nhận thức được hạnh phúc của họ và tập trung vào sự an lành của họ. Điều này cực kỳ quan trọng vì một trong những nghiên cứu sâu sắc mà tôi cảm thấy đã đưa vào cuốn sách là hầu hết chúng ta tin rằng việc có sự đồng nhất về giá trị với đối tác của mình là yếu tố quyết định hàng đầu trong việc có một mối quan hệ thành công. Chúng ta nghĩ nó liên quan đến giá trị. Chúng ta được bảo rằng đó là giá trị. Chúng ta bị nhồi nhét những giá trị, mà nhân tiện, điều đó có nguồn gốc từ đâu? Tôn giáo. Bạn có biết cách nào không? Bạn đã từng nghe đến việc bạn cần phải có một người bạn đời đồng điệu chưa? Không. Ôi, bạn chưa nghe điều này? Không, không, không. Bạn không đọc Kinh Thánh của bạn. Không, tôi không đọc. Bạn bắt đầu khiến tôi khó hiểu. Được rồi. Kinh Thánh nói rằng bạn phải tìm một người bạn đời. Bạn phải tìm một người bạn đời đồng điệu. Điều đó thực sự có nghĩa là gì? Đồng điệu có nguồn gốc từ bò tót, đúng không? Hai con bò, bạn có một con ở đây, một con ở đây. Chúng được buộc lại với nhau. Chúng đang cày đất. Nếu chúng đi cùng nhịp, chúng có thể cày đất. Nếu bạn có một con đi một hướng này, một con đi hướng khác, bạn không thể cày đất. Bạn không thể tạo ra sản phẩm. Vì vậy, Kinh Thánh nói bạn cần một người bạn đời đồng điệu. Các mục sư sau đó đã diễn giải điều này qua nhiều năm thành gì? Giá trị. Bạn cần một người bạn đời chia sẻ giá trị của bạn, có cùng tôn giáo, có cùng giọng nói. Đây là cách chúng ta trở nên quy củ trong xã hội. Điều này đã xảy ra qua từng thế kỷ, đúng không? Đến ngày nay, nếu bạn hỏi bất kỳ ai trên phố, chúng ta có 10 người, 9 trong số 10 sẽ nói, và chúng ta hỏi, giá trị quan trọng như thế nào? 9 trong số 10 sẽ nói giá trị là tất cả. Cái gì? Giá trị sẽ thay đổi. Chúng sẽ thay đổi. Tôi đánh giá mọi thứ hoàn toàn khác hôm nay so với 10 năm trước. Giá trị của chúng ta thay đổi. Chúng không phải là hằng số. Chúng ta cần vứt bỏ giá trị. Chúng có quan trọng không? Có. Chúng có phải là quan trọng nhất không? Không. Vì vậy, chúng ta hãy giảm thiểu việc tập trung vào việc tìm kiếm ai đó phù hợp với tất cả giá trị của chúng ta. Thay vào đó, tập trung vào sự an lành chính là chìa khóa. Họ có tập trung vào sự an lành của họ không? Đó là một. Hai. Vâng, giá trị thì quan trọng. Nhưng còn điều gì cũng quan trọng không kém, bạn biết đấy, họ có cởi mở không? Họ có nghiêng về phía trước không? Họ có tò mò không? Và điều thứ ba là, họ có kiên cường không? Bởi vì có mối quan hệ với bất kỳ ai có nghĩa là sẽ có những thời điểm khó khăn. Vậy họ có thể vượt qua không hay khi mọi thứ trở nên khó khăn, họ chỉ nằm ngửa? Vì vậy, nếu bạn có một người bạn đời kiên cường, bạn có một người bạn đời cởi mở, bạn có một người bạn đời tập trung và nuôi dưỡng sự an lành của họ, bạn có một người bạn tuyệt vời. Thế còn tham vọng? Điều đó có quan trọng không? Tôi nghĩ tham vọng là một tập hợp giá trị. Được rồi. Được rồi. Vâng, tôi chỉ tự hỏi, vì rất nhiều người sẽ nói rằng họ muốn điều đó ở một người bạn đời, nhưng chỉ bằng cách, tôi có nghĩa là, nếu tính toán trong đầu, không phải ai cũng có thể tham vọng. Và những người không thực sự có tham vọng lớn cũng tìm được tình yêu và giữ tình yêu. Khi bạn hỏi họ đang tìm gì, họ thường có xu hướng ưa chuộng ai đó có tham vọng hoặc định hướng mục tiêu. Một trong những điều chúng ta đã nói đến giữa các dòng là xã hội đã thay đổi như thế nào. Và một trong những cuộc trò chuyện đang diễn ra mà tôi đang hẹn hò hiện nay xoay quanh việc phụ nữ đang gặp khó khăn để tìm những người đàn ông tương thích, vì phụ nữ hiện nay có trình độ học vấn cao hơn. Tôi nghĩ có nhiều phụ nữ tốt nghiệp đại học hơn bây giờ. 10% đàn ông hàng đầu dường như đang có tất cả mọi sự giao hợp theo một số nghiên cứu mà tôi đã đọc, rất nhiều giao hợp. Và sau đó có 50% đàn ông dưới đáy, họ đang bị tước bỏ quyền lợi vì họ không nhận được sự chú ý. Họ có thể đang quay sang những thứ như khiêu dâm. Tôi được cho biết, phụ nữ đang hẹn hò với những người có trình độ cao hơn. Vì vậy, phụ nữ, tôi đã đọc một nghiên cứu cho biết phần lớn phụ nữ vẫn đang tìm kiếm một người đàn ông kiếm nhiều hơn họ, nhưng trong một thế giới bình đẳng, mà chúng ta đều đồng ý là điều tốt, nhưng phụ nữ hiện nay giáo dục hơn, không còn đủ đàn ông có trình độ cao hơn nữa. Vì vậy, có một sự chênh lệch giữa những gì phụ nữ đang tìm kiếm, nhưng thực sự những gì có sẵn trên thị trường. Đây đều là sự thật. Tuy nhiên, chúng ta phải điều tra dữ liệu này, nhưng quan trọng hơn, tôi nghĩ chúng ta phải điều tra câu chuyện mà chúng ta đang được đưa ra. Tôi cảm thấy câu chuyện mà chúng ta đang được đưa ra ngày hôm nay là 20% hoặc 10% đàn ông hàng đầu là tốt, nhưng 80% còn lại thì thật tồi tệ. Điều đó không thể xa sự thật hơn. Và tôi nghĩ chúng ta phải thừa nhận, và đây là nơi hai điều có thể đúng. Một, chúng ta đang sống trong một xã hội patriarchy hoàn toàn, hoàn toàn. Nhưng chúng ta có cần ban cho đàn ông của mình nhiều ân huệ hơn không? Chắc chắn rồi, chúng ta cần. Có phải đàn ông đang cô đơn hơn bao giờ hết không? Chắc chắn rồi. Có phải đàn ông đang bối rối không? Chắc chắn rồi, đúng không? Có phải đàn ông đang bị lừa dối không? Chắc chắn rồi. Chúng ta hãy mở lòng hơn với đàn ông của chúng ta. Điều đó có nghĩa là gì? Điều đó có nghĩa là nhận thức rằng chúng ta đang sống trong một sự bùng nổ cô đơn. Nhận thức rằng chưa đến 27% đàn ông có một người bạn mà họ cảm thấy là người tâm sự, rằng 0% trong số đó giờ đây cảm thấy họ có ai đó mà họ có thể tới vào lúc 3 giờ sáng. Điều này là nhận thức được những điều này. Nó là nói, bạn biết không? Tôi có thể đánh giá cao những đặc điểm và tính cách khác ngoài việc bạn kiếm được bao nhiêu tiền hay bạn cao bao nhiêu, đúng không? Điều quan trọng là phải có khả năng hiểu, và bạn vừa hỏi tôi. Tôi không nói gì về việc một người kiếm được bao nhiêu tiền, không nói gì về việc họ cao bao nhiêu, đúng không? Nhưng cùng lúc đó, điều mà chúng ta phải hiểu là câu chuyện mà chúng ta được đưa ra về phụ nữ là tất cả phụ nữ đều đang tìm kiếm một người CEO cao 6 feet trở lên, đúng không, người đang kiếm được hơn 100.000 bảng hoặc đô la một năm. Và điều đó cũng không phải là trường hợp. Nghiên cứu này cho thấy, dù có những bước tiến trong bình đẳng giới, nghiên cứu chỉ ra rằng những phụ nữ có trình độ học vấn cao hơn vẫn có xu hướng thích chồng kiếm nhiều hơn họ.
    Đoạn văn này lấy từ Viện Nghiên cứu Gia đình. Một phân tích về hành vi hẹn hò trực tuyến tại 24 quốc gia cho thấy phụ nữ chọn lọc hơn nam giới, thể hiện sự ưu tiên rõ rệt đối với những người đàn ông có thu nhập và trình độ học vấn cao hơn, điều này lại chứng minh rằng đây là điều đáng mong đợi. Nhưng số lượng nam giới đáp ứng tiêu chí đó lại không đủ. Vì vậy, sẽ có rất nhiều phụ nữ cảm thấy không hài lòng theo như phân tích này.
    Đúng vậy. Thách thức ở đây, nếu tôi thực sự xem xét kỹ lưỡng, là nó đang nói đến những người phụ nữ có trình độ học vấn cao. Chúng ta biết rằng những người phụ nữ có trình độ học vấn cao thường hẹn hò theo cách “hypergamous”, tức là hẹn hò với những đối tác có cùng hoặc cao hơn về trình độ giáo dục, có cùng hoặc cao hơn về nguồn lực tài chính. Tại sao lại như vậy? Bởi vì đó là kịch bản mà xã hội đã giao cho phụ nữ để nói rằng cách duy nhất để bạn có thể tồn tại là tìm một người đàn ông có thể cung cấp cho bạn điều đó. Và tôi nghĩ chúng ta cần chấp nhận nguồn gốc của điều này. Đó là một xã hội khắc nghiệt rằng, bạn biết đấy, bạn sẽ không an toàn trừ khi bạn tìm được một người đàn ông có khả năng cung cấp.
    Nhưng nếu bạn nhìn về hiện tại, một tỷ lệ lớn phụ nữ có trình độ học vấn cao đang hẹn hò theo cách này. Nhưng không phải tất cả phụ nữ đều như vậy. Một phần khác là, đúng vậy, phụ nữ có đang kiếm được nhiều hơn nam giới và có trình độ học vấn cao hơn nam giới không? Chắc chắn rồi. Ở một số thành phố, không phải ở khắp nơi trên thế giới, nam giới vẫn kiếm được nhiều tiền hơn trung bình. Nếu bạn nhìn vào câu chuyện mà chúng ta được cho, bạn có thể nói rằng, biết sao không, nam giới trung bình vẫn kiếm được nhiều hơn. Nhưng quan điểm của tôi là thế này. Tôi nghĩ rằng tất cả chúng ta cần đánh giá lại những gì chúng ta mong muốn. Không còn cần phải có một đối tác vì lý do thực tiễn đối với phần lớn chúng ta, hoặc tôi nên nói, đây là tôi phát biểu từ vị trí của nhiều người trong xã hội phương Tây.
    Không còn cần phải có một đối tác vì lý do thực tiễn nữa. Nếu bạn nghĩ về tháp nhu cầu của Maslow và chia nó thành ba loại, bạn sẽ thấy rằng bậc thấp nhất là tất cả những nhu cầu về tâm lý và thể chất của chúng ta, như thực phẩm, nơi ở. Rồi bậc giữa là cảm giác thuộc về và kết nối. Và bậc cao nhất là sự tự phát triển. Tự phát triển, sống thật tốt nhất của bản thân, đóng góp nhiều nhất mà chúng ta có thể cho thế giới này.
    Hôn nhân và quan hệ đối tác và việc chọn lựa một đối tác chủ yếu dựa vào bậc thấp đó cho đến tận những năm 1960. Điều đó mới chỉ như hôm qua, nếu bạn nghĩ về thời gian mà chúng ta đã sống. Nhưng đó cũng không phải là sự tiến hóa, vì bạn thấy điều tương tự trong thế giới động vật với loài orangutan, mà có đến 98% DNA giống chúng ta. Chúng vẫn chọn lựa dựa trên các yếu tố sinh tồn.
    Vì vậy, điều thú vị là khi bạn nhìn vào các loài động vật khác nhau và sinh học tiến hóa, có rất nhiều điểm tương đồng, nhưng cũng có nhiều đặc điểm khác nhau. Vì vậy, chúng ta phải đánh giá cao rằng với tư cách là homo sapiens, chúng ta là duy nhất. Và chúng ta sống trong một cấu trúc mà phần lớn chúng ta đã tự tạo ra. Chúng ta đang tranh luận về thể chế của hôn nhân. Hôn nhân chưa tồn tại trong phần lớn thời gian của sự tồn tại của chúng ta.
    Nhưng quy tắc vàng, bạn đã nói với tôi về điều này. Vâng. Và bạn đã nói rằng điều này là xuyên văn hóa. Đúng vậy. Và quy tắc vàng này, xin hãy giải thích cho mọi người. Nhưng đối với tôi, đó là minh chứng cho việc vẫn còn một yếu tố tiến hóa trong việc chọn lựa nam và nữ. Tôi đã đọc một nghiên cứu cho thấy gần 50% phụ nữ chỉ thích hẹn hò với những người đàn ông cao hơn họ, trong khi chỉ có 13% nam giới chỉ thích hẹn hò với những phụ nữ thấp hơn họ. Một nghiên cứu khác cho thấy phụ nữ hài lòng nhất khi bạn đời của họ cao hơn khoảng 20 cm, trong khi nam giới thường hài lòng với một sự chênh lệch chiều cao khoảng 8 cm so với bạn đời. Vì vậy, rõ ràng là phụ nữ có sự ưu tiên ở đây, một số lượng đáng kể họ, để hẹn hò với một người đàn ông có kích thước lớn hơn họ.
    Vâng. Đúng vậy. Có một vài điều ở đây. Chúng ta có sở thích này không? Chắc chắn rồi. Nhiều điều trong số này được truyền cho chúng ta qua sinh học và tiến hóa của chúng ta? Chắc chắn rồi. Hầu hết chúng đến từ xã hội hóa? Chắc chắn rồi. Chúng ta có thay đổi khi cải thiện điều kiện sống không? Có. Vì vậy, đây là quan điểm của tôi. Nếu bạn quay lại và nói với Zendaya rằng, hãy quay lại 10 năm trước, nói với Zendaya rằng, bạn có muốn hẹn hò với một người đàn ông cao hơn bạn không? Tôi sẽ nói có khả năng cao. Cô ấy sẽ nói rằng cô ấy thích điều đó. Vâng. Đó có phải là kết quả của cô ấy không? Không. Cô ấy có vẻ cực kỳ hạnh phúc và thỏa mãn không? Có. Đúng không? Đó là từ góc nhìn bên ngoài của tôi. Vâng. Tại sao điều đó có thể xảy ra? Bởi vì cô ấy đã lớn lên theo một kịch bản nhất định. Cô ấy đã lớn lên với những sự tôn trọng trong các mối quan hệ. Cô ấy đã thấy hoàng tử và cách mà hoàng tử luôn lớn hơn công chúa như thế nào. Cô ấy đã thấy rằng hoàng tử có khả năng bế công chúa. Cô ấy đã thấy tất cả những điều đó. Cô ấy tin vào tất cả những điều đó. Và rồi khi cô ấy trưởng thành hơn, khi cô ấy nhận ra rằng mình không cần sự xác nhận từ ai, khi cô ấy hiểu những điều và đặc điểm mà cô ấy yêu thích, cô ấy đã nghĩ rằng, “Đó, Tom Holland đấy, đẹp trai.”
    Vâng, nhưng điều đó rõ ràng là một ngoại lệ. Bởi vì Tom Holland cũng có 30 triệu đô la trong ngân hàng. Nhưng điều này cũng xảy ra. Nhưng nó chỉ là ngoại lệ, phải không? Nó không phải là quy tắc. Đúng vậy. Và bạn biết tại sao không? Đó cũng là ngoại lệ. Và tôi đồng ý. Tôi đồng ý với bạn. Đó là ngoại lệ vì phần lớn chúng ta có điều kiện sống kém. Hầu hết tất cả chúng ta đều có sự tự tin thấp. Hầu hết chúng ta, tôi nghĩ. Hầu hết người lớn có sự tự tin thấp, mức độ vừa phải đến thấp. Và điều đó có nghĩa là gì? Điều đó có nghĩa là chúng ta cần sự xác nhận từ người khác. Đúng không? Và đây là lý do tại sao tôi luôn nói rằng điều này quay trở lại với chính chúng ta. Bạn có thực sự nghĩ rằng đây là câu trả lời cho điều này không? Bạn có không tin rằng có một yếu tố tiến hóa lớn trong các ưu tiên về sự thu hút không? Bởi vì tôi đang gặp khó khăn để tin rằng xã hội là lý do duy nhất khiến chúng ta chọn một số người nhất định.
    Và một phần trong tôi tự hỏi và hơi lo lắng rằng chúng ta đã vô tình thiết kế xã hội theo cách mà những gì chúng ta đang tìm kiếm không còn tồn tại nữa. Vì vậy, chúng ta phải đối mặt với thực tế mới này rằng, thực sự, chúng ta sẽ phải điều chỉnh một số sở thích của mình nếu muốn hạnh phúc và tìm thấy những gì chúng ta đang tìm kiếm.
    Vâng. Tôi thực sự tin rằng một tỷ lệ lớn các quyết định mà chúng ta đưa ra đã được truyền lại cho chúng ta qua di truyền. Vậy nên tôi đồng ý với điều đó. Và tôi nghĩ nghiên cứu cho thấy điều đó. Nếu bạn có, ví dụ, tôi đã nói chuyện với bác sĩ Tarris Ward về một người phụ nữ trong câu lạc bộ, nếu cô ấy đang rụng trứng hay không rụng trứng, chỉ dựa trên điều đó mà nam giới sẽ bị thu hút hoặc không bị thu hút. Hoặc bạn nghĩ về mùi hương, đúng không? Thực sự, điều mà chúng ta cố gắng làm với mùi hương, lý do tại sao chúng ta cảm thấy bị thu hút hay không bị thu hút bởi mùi hương, là vì đó là di truyền. Nếu chúng ta kết đôi với một ai đó có bản di truyền quá gần gũi với chúng ta, thì đứa trẻ sẽ không mạnh mẽ. Vậy nên chúng ta cần sự đa dạng trong di truyền của mình. Chúng ta không nhận ra điều này, nhưng chúng ta có thể xác định điều đó thông qua mùi hương bằng cách cảm thấy không bị thu hút. Đó là một bài kiểm tra ngửi mùi. Vậy di truyền có vai trò không? Chắc chắn rồi.
    Chúng ta đã nói về thuyết trung dung vàng, trong đó, về cơ bản, đây là những người phụ nữ trung bình, thích nhìn thấy bờ vai rộng và vòng eo mảnh khảnh, và những người đàn ông trung bình, thích nhìn thấy hông nhỏ hơn, vòng eo nhỏ hơn và hông rộng hơn. Giờ đây, mọi người có thể tranh cãi về những khái niệm này không? Chắc chắn rồi. Nhưng chúng có thể đứng vững không? Ý tôi là, có lý do tiến hóa cho những điều này không? Có, vì nó liên quan đến khả năng sinh sản của phụ nữ hoặc nó liên quan đến sức mạnh để bảo vệ, đúng không, của một người đàn ông. Tất cả những điều này đều có vai trò, và đôi khi chúng ta không nhận ra có bao nhiêu vai trò tiến hóa đã ảnh hưởng đến lý do và cách chúng ta đưa ra quyết định, đó cũng là lý do tại sao điều quan trọng là phải hiểu cách mà xã hội mà chúng ta đã tạo ra với tư cách là con người cũng có ảnh hưởng đến điều đó. Cách mà chúng ta được hướng dẫn, bạn cần có một đối tác thuộc cùng tầng lớp với bạn. Bạn cần phải, khi tìm được đối tác, đó là người hoàn thiện bạn. Khi bạn tìm được đối tác, đó là đến khi nào cái chết chia lìa. Những điều đó đã được truyền lại cho chúng ta. Vậy nên không có gì ngạc nhiên khi chúng ta cảm thấy bối rối. Chúng ta có tất cả những quyết định tiến hóa đang xảy ra mà thậm chí chúng ta còn không nhận ra. Và sau đó, ở một bên, xã hội nói với chúng ta đây là người mà chúng ta nên có và đây là lý do tại sao. Và tôi trở lại với lý do tại sao sự nhận thức là rất quan trọng.
    Hiểu cách và tại sao chúng ta như vậy sẽ mang lại cho chúng ta sức mạnh. Nó cho chúng ta quyền tự chủ đối với các quyết định của mình, để khi bạn đưa ra quyết định về đối tác của mình, bạn có thể tự hỏi, “Vâng, tôi rất muốn có một đối tác cao hơn sáu feet, nhưng điều đó thực sự quan trọng thế nào với tôi? Tại sao tôi nghĩ tôi cảm thấy như vậy?” Và một khi bạn bắt đầu có những cuộc tranh luận đó với chính mình, điều đó sẽ đặt bạn trên con đường đưa ra quyết định mà bạn sẽ hài lòng hơn trong dài hạn. Tôi nghĩ đó là chìa khóa và tôi nghĩ sự nhận thức đến từ việc đối mặt với cả hai thực tế, một mặt, có một số điều tiến hóa sẽ khiến tôi có xu hướng thiên vị một loại người nhất định, có những đặc điểm nhất định, ngay cả khi những đặc điểm đó thực sự không dẫn đến một mối quan hệ lành mạnh lâu dài, như những chàng trai không nghiêm túc, như sự quyến rũ và sự tự tin là khá hấp dẫn, nhưng có thể không phải là một người chồng tốt.
    Và mặt khác, có rất nhiều điều xã hội đã truyền lại cho tôi qua các tạp chí và phương tiện truyền thông đã miêu tả hình ảnh về vẻ đẹp mà cũng chỉ là những điều vô nghĩa. Tôi nghĩ việc hiểu cả hai là chìa khóa để có được quyền tự chủ đó. Có khả năng nói, “Thực ra, tôi hiểu điều đó xuất phát từ đâu trong tôi, nhưng tôi sẽ đưa ra quyết định một cách hợp lý và có chủ đích.” Một số bằng chứng về cơ sở tiến hóa của sự hấp dẫn đến từ ý tưởng rằng những người có gương mặt đối xứng được coi là đẹp và hấp dẫn hơn ở nhiều nền văn hóa. Điều đó có đúng không? Có. Nhiều nhà khoa học sẽ nói, “Chắc chắn rồi.” Nhưng có một điều mà tôi biết chắc chắn về sự hấp dẫn là, sự hấp dẫn đối với người khác chủ yếu dựa trên lòng tự trọng của bạn. Và ý tôi là, lòng tự trọng càng thấp thì bạn càng phụ thuộc vào sự xác nhận của công chúng. Do đó, bạn sẽ muốn có một đối tác được coi là hấp dẫn. Vậy nên nếu xã hội, nếu kịch bản là, thì sự đối xứng có phải là tất cả không? Hoặc nếu kịch bản là mặc loại giày này, phải vậy không? Nếu đó là những gì xã hội đang nói, thì nếu bạn có lòng tự trọng thấp, bạn muốn một đối tác trông như vậy vì bạn cần sự xác nhận từ đối tác.
    Tuy nhiên, bất cứ khi nào bạn thấy, đây là điều tôi nói, bất cứ khi nào bạn thấy một ai đó đang đi cùng với một đối tác và bạn nghĩ, “Làm thế nào mà hai người đó lại ở bên nhau?” Có khả năng có một yếu tố, và hãy nhớ rằng, tôi không nói về việc một người có thu nhập rất cao hay một người có địa vị rất cao. Tôi chỉ đang nói rằng, bạn nhìn một cặp đôi và bạn nói, “Họ trông lạ.” Một trong số họ có thể hấp dẫn theo cách truyền thống, một trong số họ có thể không. Thông thường, điều đã xảy ra là bạn có ai đó với lòng tự trọng cao, người không cần sự xác nhận của công chúng về đối tác của họ chút nào. Tôi không nghĩ mọi người nói về điều này đủ, nhưng điều này thì thật sự quá đúng. Trên thực tế, tôi biết một cá nhân có lòng tự trọng rất thấp và đã trải qua rất nhiều điều khi họ còn trẻ. Và tôi nhớ khi họ bắt đầu một mối quan hệ, tôi nhớ chính xác nơi tôi đứng ở London. Tôi nhớ thời điểm khi họ quay sang tôi, họ vừa mới bắt đầu một mối quan hệ, một cái gì đó với một lòng tự trọng rất thấp. Và họ đã nói với tôi, “Steve, tôi thực sự thích cô ấy, nhưng tôi hơi lo lắng.” Đây là một câu trích dẫn chính xác.
    Tôi lo lắng một chút, kiểu như, nếu tôi vào một nhà hàng với cô ấy bên cạnh, thì điều đó có vẻ tốt không?
    Và tôi nhớ đã nói với người này, kiểu như, nếu đó là cách bạn đánh giá người đó, dựa trên cách họ sẽ nhìn khi bạn đi vào một mối quan hệ, thì trời ơi, mối quan hệ này chắc chắn sẽ thất bại vì bạn đang bỏ qua những điều thực sự quan trọng, những điều quan trọng nhất.
    Và người này đã đi từ mối quan hệ này sang mối quan hệ khác, rồi lại sang mối quan hệ khác, tất cả đều không thành công.
    Càng dành thời gian với họ, tôi càng nghĩ, kiểu như, điều đó diễn ra là do sự lựa chọn của họ được thực hiện dựa trên sự thiếu tự tin và lòng tự trọng thấp.
    Vâng.
    Chỉ lặp đi lặp lại liên tục.
    Vâng.
    Nó không được xây dựng dựa vào, kiểu như, bản chất của người đó, những lĩnh vực khác của sự tương thích quan trọng hơn trong dài hạn.
    Nó là sự kết nối bề mặt liên tục.
    Vâng.
    Và tôi nghĩ hầu hết chúng ta đang đưa ra quyết định dựa trên lòng tự trọng của mình.
    Bạn có thấy điều này như một người mai mối không?
    Bạn biết không, có.
    Vì bạn đã thấy những người đàn ông giàu có, đúng không?
    Vâng, chính xác.
    Bạn biết không, tôi nhớ rõ khi tôi đã tham gia trước đây và bạn đã hỏi về, kiểu như, điều gì là sâu sắc nhất mà bạn đã thấy?
    Và tôi chưa bao giờ nghĩ về câu hỏi đó cho đến khi bạn hỏi.
    Đó là những người đàn ông đến đây có lòng tự trọng cực kỳ thấp.
    Và đó là những gì tôi gọi là “những bông hoa muộn nở.”
    Bạn biết đấy, đó là người đàn ông luôn cảm thấy không ai thích mình, bạn biết đấy, không ai thích cách họ xuất hiện.
    Họ là cái gọi là “vịt xấu xí.”
    Họ tìm thấy phòng tập gym muộn hơn trong cuộc đời, đúng không?
    Họ tìm thấy sức sống của mình muộn hơn trong cuộc đời.
    Họ luôn học hành chăm chỉ.
    Họ có phần hướng nội, có thể nhút nhát cùng một lúc.
    Và bây giờ họ ở đây.
    Và khi mọi người đi ngang qua họ, họ sẽ nghĩ, ôi Chúa ơi, người này thật tuyệt.
    Nhìn kìa, nhìn kìa người này tuyệt đấy.
    Nhưng anh ta chưa bao giờ nghĩ mình là một người vượt trội, cũng như hôm nay anh ta không nghĩ mình là một người vượt trội.
    Đó là lý do tôi nói, hãy quay lại làm những công việc bên trong.
    Chúng tôi sẽ nhận một khách hàng như vậy và không chỉ nói, hãy hẹn hò với bạn.
    Chúng tôi không thể làm điều đó.
    Chúng tôi phải bắt đầu làm việc với bạn để bạn nhận ra bạn thực sự là một người tuyệt vời như thế nào.
    Tại sao bạn không thể chỉ hẹn hò với họ nếu họ có lòng tự trọng thấp?
    Bởi vì, được rồi, chúng tôi có thể ngồi đặt họ đối diện với một người mai mối tuyệt vời nhất,
    nhưng họ sẽ không nhận ra điều đó bởi vì họ đang đưa ra quyết định dựa trên lòng tự trọng của mình.
    Vì vậy họ sẽ đưa ra quyết định mà người bạn của bạn đã làm, đúng không?
    Người này sẽ nhìn như thế nào khi tôi đưa họ đến bữa tiệc Giáng sinh?
    Trái ngược với việc sức khỏe của họ như thế nào?
    Hay chúng ta có chia sẻ bất kỳ giá trị nào không, v.v.?
    Vì vậy bạn có thể kết thúc việc đưa ai đó có thể tuyệt vời cho bạn ra xa hoặc bác bỏ họ.
    Hoặc tồi tệ hơn, bạn có thể mời ai đó vào cuộc sống của bạn không phải là nơi tốt nhất cho bạn
    vì những sự thiếu tự tin của bạn.
    Giống như một kẻ ái kỷ.
    Giống như một kẻ ác cảm, giống như một kẻ tâm thần, giống như một kẻ Machiavelli, đúng không?
    Bạn biết đấy, có một nhóm rõ ràng những người xấu trên thế giới.
    David Bus viết về điều này, rằng chúng ta phải nhận ra họ chơi trên những nỗi sợ hãi của chúng ta.
    Họ hiểu khi ai đó có lòng tự trọng thấp, sức khỏe thấp.
    Họ bị thu hút bởi người đó.
    Tại sao?
    Bởi vì họ có khả năng thao túng họ tốt hơn.
    Phòng thủ tốt nhất của chúng ta là gì?
    Phòng thủ tốt nhất trong bất kỳ mối quan hệ nào trong đời là sức khỏe của chúng ta.
    Nó hoạt động như một bức tường chống lại tất cả những người xấu trên thế giới.
    Và những gì nó cũng làm là nó hoạt động như một nam châm thu hút những người tuyệt vời trên thế giới
    bởi vì những người có sức khỏe cao và lòng tự trọng cao
    có xu hướng bao quanh bản thân và hiểu và thậm chí thu hút những người có sức khỏe cao và lòng tự trọng cao.
    Được rồi, vì vậy hai nghiên cứu điển hình cá nhân hiện lên trong nhóm bạn bè của tôi
    mà tôi biết đến, những người mà tôi biết đến.
    Họ đang tiếp cận gần 40 tuổi.
    Cả hai có lẽ sẽ nói rằng họ có lòng tự trọng thấp.
    Họ không cảm thấy như họ có thời gian để tìm hiểu về lòng tự trọng của mình
    bởi vì trong cả hai tình huống, họ đều nói, “Tôi cần tìm ai đó.”
    Và họ đang trong một chút vội vàng, tôi nghĩ vậy.
    Một người nam, một người nữ.
    Bây giờ, bạn sẽ nói gì với cả hai người đó?
    Gần 40 tuổi cảm thấy như họ đang trong một chút vội vàng.
    Một người đang phải đối mặt với đồng hồ sinh học.
    Người còn lại đang phải đối mặt với so sánh xã hội.
    Tất cả bạn bè của anh ấy đều có mối quan hệ và ổn định nhưng anh ấy vẫn còn độc thân.
    Cả hai cơ bản đều có lòng tự trọng thấp.
    Vì vậy, cách mà họ đang cố gắng giải quyết vấn đề này là họ cố gắng làm tóc
    để làm bản thân trông đẹp hơn bên ngoài để thu hút mọi người
    và hẹn hò với càng nhiều người càng tốt để cố gắng tìm ai đó càng sớm càng tốt.
    Vâng.
    Tôi sẽ nói với họ, “Bạn thậm chí chưa sống nửa cuộc đời của mình.
    Bạn có rất nhiều thời gian.”
    Hết.
    Nhưng tôi có một đồng hồ sinh học ở đây.
    Bạn biết không?
    Tôi hiểu điều đó.
    Nhưng bạn biết điều gì tồi tệ hơn?
    Bạn biết không?
    Điều thật đáng buồn là tôi đã thấy một tỷ lệ lớn người
    nói, “Tôi có một đồng hồ sinh học.
    Tôi muốn có con.
    Vì vậy, tôi chỉ cần có con với bất kỳ ai.”
    Điều gì xảy ra?
    Điều gì xảy ra?
    Điều kết thúc xảy ra là nó trở thành một kịch bản cực kỳ khó khăn để quản lý
    bởi vì bây giờ bạn đang trong một mối quan hệ với người mà bạn không thích.
    Bạn không cảm thấy an toàn với họ.
    Không có kết nối tình cảm.
    Họ tạo ra áp lực cho bạn.
    Họ cuối cùng không trở thành cha mẹ cho đứa trẻ.
    Áp lực đó dẫn đến các vấn đề khác mà bạn có thể gặp phải như bệnh tự miễn.
    Cuối cùng bạn không thể hiện bản thân tốt nhất cho đứa trẻ.
    Đứa trẻ thấy điều này và họ có rất nhiều vấn đề vì bạn muốn đánh bại
    đồng hồ sinh học của mình.
    Tôi nói điều này.
    Tôi hiểu mong muốn có con.
    Tôi hiểu.
    Tôi đã, vợ chồng tôi đã cố gắng trong tám năm.
    Chúng tôi đã trải qua IVF.
    Tôi hiểu.
    Cho đến ngày nay, chúng tôi vẫn đang trả tiền để đông lạnh phôi của mình.
    Nó giống như, đó là một trong những điều mà tôi hiểu được khao khát có con.
    Bạn bao nhiêu tuổi khi đó?
    Ôi Chúa ơi.
    Có lẽ là cách đây khoảng 16 năm khi chúng tôi bắt đầu thụ tinh ống nghiệm (IVF).
    Chúng tôi là những người tiên phong trong lĩnh vực IVF.
    Nói thêm nữa, ngay cả trước 16 năm, chúng tôi đã cố gắng tự nhiên để có con.
    Chúng tôi đã trải qua một năm với các chu kỳ, nhưng không thành công.
    Cuối cùng, chúng tôi đã mất một đứa trẻ, thảm khốc, thật sự thảm khốc.
    Sau đó, chúng tôi có một chu kỳ thành công, đó là con trai đầu lòng của chúng tôi, Kingston.
    Sau đó, chúng tôi có một chu kỳ thành công khá gần sau đó với con trai thứ hai, Liam.
    Một trong những câu chuyện chưa được kể về IVF, và tôi ước mọi người nói về điều này nhiều hơn, là bạn có thể vẫn giữ tám phôi, sáu phôi vẫn có thể phát triển.
    Chúng tôi có chín phôi vẫn còn khả thi.
    Bạn sẽ làm gì?
    Một số người sẽ hiến chúng cho khoa học.
    Một số người sẽ tiêu hủy chúng.
    Có những người khác, như vợ tôi và tôi, đang suy nghĩ, “Đây là những sinh mạng mà chúng tôi đã tạo ra.
    Chúng tôi sẽ làm gì?”
    Chúng tôi đã trả tiền để lưu trữ chúng.
    Mỗi tháng, kể từ khi chúng tôi bắt đầu các chu kỳ, chúng tôi đã trả tiền để lưu trữ chúng.
    Một số người đã nói với tôi rằng có những giới hạn ở một số quốc gia về số năm bạn có thể lưu trữ phôi của mình.
    Đó là một quyết định khó khăn để đưa ra.
    Đó là một quyết định mà chúng tôi đã đưa ra.
    Tôi hiểu khao khát trở thành cha mẹ.
    Tôi hoàn toàn hiểu.
    Bạn bao nhiêu tuổi khi ở trong tù khi bạn quyết định làm IVF?
    Tôi nói điều này vì bạn đã nói cách đây 16 năm.
    Bạn trông khoảng 30 tuổi.
    Đúng rồi.
    Vấn đề ở đây là.
    Tôi đã hỏi, “Bạn bao nhiêu tuổi?”
    Điều mà nhiều người không nhận ra là năm nay, tôi 50 tuổi.
    Vậy bạn khoảng 34, 35 tuổi?
    Đúng rồi.
    Tôi sẽ nói tôi khoảng 30 tuổi.
    Đúng rồi.
    Tôi ở giữa độ tuổi 30.
    Và trong tù cũng vậy?
    Giữa độ tuổi 30, được rồi.
    Và bạn đã cố gắng trong tám năm?
    Thực sự mà nói, chúng tôi đã cố gắng.
    Chúng tôi kết hôn khi tôi 25 tuổi.
    Chúng tôi đã bắt đầu cố gắng ngay sau đó
    vì tôi luôn muốn trở thành một người cha, luôn luôn.
    Và ngay sau khi chúng tôi kết hôn,
    chúng tôi nghĩ rằng có con là điều của chúng tôi.
    Chúng tôi sẽ có nó.
    Và điều đó không diễn ra theo cách đó.
    Và điều chúng tôi bắt đầu thấy là một trong những thách thức
    là liên quan đến căng thẳng mà chúng tôi có trong cuộc sống
    và cách chúng tôi không khỏe mạnh vì căng thẳng
    và tác động mà điều đó có đến khả năng
    có con của chúng tôi.
    Có phải điều đó đã gây căng thẳng cho mối quan hệ của bạn
    khi bạn trải qua những thử thách về khả năng sinh sản này?
    Chắc chắn rồi.
    Bạn cảm thấy như, bạn biết đấy, kịch bản mà tôi cảm thấy được giao cho tôi,
    và đây là một kịch bản, là bạn là một người đàn ông
    và nếu bạn không thể có con, thì bạn không phải là một người đàn ông.
    Đó là kịch bản.
    Tôi thực sự nhớ có mặt ở tiệm cắt tóc, đúng không?
    Khi tôi còn có tóc.
    Khi tôi từng đi đến tiệm cắt tóc.
    Và đó là ý tưởng.
    Bạn biết đấy, bạn sẽ gặp người đàn ông nói rằng,
    ” Tôi có tám đứa con,” bạn biết không?
    Và do đó, tôi là người đàn ông nhất trong phòng.
    Và tôi sẽ rời đi với suy nghĩ,
    “Ôi Chúa ơi, tôi thậm chí không thể có con.
    Có vấn đề gì vậy?”
    Và sau đó bạn bắt đầu nghĩ,
    “Được rồi, bạn biết đấy, có những yếu tố gì?”
    Và bạn bắt đầu đi qua các xét nghiệm
    và bạn bắt đầu, theo điểm của bạn, và bạn đã làm điều này rồi,
    là bạn thấy có nhiều vấn đề.
    Và đối với một số người, họ cực kỳ dễ sinh và chỉ mất, bùm, đã có thai, tám lần.
    Nhưng đối với những người khác, và tôi thuộc nhóm người khác,
    thì phải mất nhiều năm, bạn biết không?
    Nhưng tôi sẽ nói điều này, và điều này quay lại lý thuyết đầu tư.
    Càng đầu tư nhiều vào việc cố gắng có con,
    khao khát càng gia tăng,
    và giờ đây mức độ trân trọng các cậu bé của chúng tôi ở một cấp độ hoàn toàn khác…
    Tôi nghĩ rằng vì trải nghiệm đó ở một cấp độ hoàn toàn khác.
    Tôi có thể tưởng tượng rằng điều đó thực sự làm rạn nứt các mối quan hệ,
    vấn đề sinh sản trong trẻ em,
    đặc biệt nếu kết quả trả về.
    Tôi đã rất sợ khi phân tích tinh trùng được gửi đến
    và họ gửi cho tôi email với mật khẩu trong đó.
    Tôi đã nghĩ, “Ôi Chúa ơi, hãy tưởng tượng nếu tôi mở tài liệu này ngay bây giờ
    và nó nói rằng tinh trùng của tôi không tốt.
    Cô ấy sẽ rời bỏ tôi.”
    Đó là điều bạn nghĩ.
    Và tôi chắc chắn cô ấy cũng có thể cảm thấy như vậy.
    Tôi nghĩ có điều gì đó trong cô ấy nói rằng nếu kết quả của cô ấy trả về
    và xấu, thì có lẽ tôi sẽ rời bỏ hoặc cái gì đó.
    Rõ ràng là tôi sẽ không làm vậy, nhưng tôi chắc chắn rằng điều đó làm tan vỡ nhiều gia đình,
    nhiều mối quan hệ tan vỡ, những vấn đề sinh sản này.
    Vâng, và đó là lý do tại sao chúng ta cần dành nhiều thời gian hơn
    để xác định xem chúng ta cảm thấy có đúng với đối tác hay không.
    Trước khi chúng tôi quyết định cam kết với họ,
    trước khi chúng tôi quyết định có con với họ,
    đó là một quyết định lớn,
    trước khi chúng tôi quyết định chuyển nhà hoặc chuyển vào một căn nhà,
    đối tác của chúng tôi thường rất quan trọng đối với chúng tôi,
    việc chọn lựa đối tác.
    Việc chọn đối tác của chúng tôi là, tôi thực sự tin rằng,
    quyết định quan trọng nhất mà chúng tôi sẽ có
    bởi vì tất cả những điều này mà nó quyết định mà chúng tôi đã nói đến.
    Vì vậy việc chú ý nhiều hơn đến ai là người đó
    và cuộc đối thoại ngay từ đầu là vô cùng quan trọng.
    Bạn nghĩ về điều này.
    Gottmans, họ nói về việc 69% vấn đề trong một mối quan hệ
    sẽ không bao giờ được giải quyết.
    69%, không bao giờ được giải quyết.
    Điều đó thật đáng sợ.
    Điều đó thật đáng sợ.
    Điều đó có nghĩa là gì?
    Điều đó có nghĩa là bạn phải học cách quản lý nó.
    Vì vậy điều đó có nghĩa là bạn cần phải có một đối tác
    có kỹ năng quản lý xung đột vượt trội và bạn cũng vậy.
    Nếu đối tác của bạn không có điều đó,
    bạn sẽ bị đau khổ rất nhiều.
    Có phải sẽ tuyệt vời hơn khi đã xác định điều này
    trước khi bạn quyết định có con với ai đó không?
    Bởi vì một khi bạn có con,
    mức độ xung đột sẽ tăng vọt.
    Tôi có một số thống kê cho thấy về sức khỏe tâm thần,
    các nghiên cứu được công bố trong Nature cho thấy rằng những người không kết hôn
    có nguy cơ phát triển trầm cảm cao hơn 79%
    so với những người đã kết hôn.
    Có thể bạn nên kết hôn.
    Nhưng cũng có nghiên cứu chỉ ra rằng các mối quan hệ xã hội mạnh mẽ
    như một mối quan hệ lãng mạn có thể làm tăng tuổi thọ một cách đáng kể.
    Và một nghiên cứu toàn diện phân tích 43 tập dữ liệu đã tiết lộ rằng chất lượng của mối quan hệ lãng mạn của một người là một yếu tố dự đoán quan trọng về sự hài lòng trong cuộc sống tổng thể. Sự hài lòng trong mối quan hệ cao tương quan với sự hạnh phúc và phúc lợi tăng lên. Và thống kê cứ tiếp tục và tiếp tục. Ngay cả những tác động tài chính cũng khá đáng kinh ngạc. Đây là một câu hỏi hơi khác, nhưng chúng ta đã nói về sự tự trọng một lúc trước và cách nếu một ai đó đến gặp bạn trong những ngày làm mai mối của bạn và họ rất muốn tìm kiếm tình yêu, một trong những điều đầu tiên bạn sẽ nói là: “Chúng ta cần làm việc về sự tự trọng.” Nhưng nếu một người đàn ông đến gặp bạn và họ là… Giả sử bạn là một trong những con trai của bạn. -Được rồi. -Kingston? -Có phải đó là con trai lớn của bạn không? -Ừ, đúng vậy, đó là con lớn của tôi. -Kingston nói: “Bố, nghe này, con nên làm gì để tăng khả năng bây giờ rằng con tìm thấy và giữ một người bạn đời? Con có thể làm gì cho bản thân bây giờ? Ví dụ, con có cần phải tập thể dục không? Con có cần đọc một cuốn sách không? Con cần phải làm gì? Con có cần phải ra ngoài và kiếm tiền không?” -Câu hỏi hay. -Và tôi muốn câu trả lời trung thực mà bạn sẽ nói với Kingston khi không ai chú ý. Bạn biết điều thú vị là tôi đã bắt đầu nói chuyện với Kingston về điều này. -Được rồi. -Bởi vì chúng tôi tập luyện cùng nhau vào cuối tuần. Và tôi đã rất sốc khi thấy cậu ấy ngày càng mạnh mẽ. Cậu ấy 14 tuổi. Suốt thời gian, tôi nói với cậu ấy: “Kingston, Hãy bao quanh mình với những người tuyệt vời. Chỉ cần vậy thôi. Hãy đặt mình vào gần gũi với những người có mối quan hệ lành mạnh, với những người có sự hài lòng cao trong các mối quan hệ của họ. Nó không khác gì trong kinh doanh. Bạn muốn thành công? Hãy bao quanh mình với những người đang thành công trong kinh doanh. Hãy bao quanh mình với những người đó. Và những gì bạn bắt đầu làm là bạn bắt đầu quan sát thói quen của họ. Bạn thấy kỹ năng của họ. Bạn áp dụng thói quen của họ. Bạn tiếp nhận kỹ năng của họ. Bạn hiểu nơi nào nên có ranh giới. Điều gì là nghi ngờ lành mạnh? Điều gì là nghi ngờ không lành mạnh? Bạn học tất cả những hành vi này chỉ bằng cách bao quanh mình với những người tốt. Đây là chìa khóa. Như các bạn đã biết, WOOP là một trong những nhà tài trợ cho chương trình của tôi. Đây cũng là một công ty mà tôi đã đầu tư vào. Và đây là một điều mà các bạn thường hỏi tôi. Câu hỏi lớn nhất mà tôi nhận được là tại sao tôi sử dụng WOOP hơn các lựa chọn công nghệ đeo khác. Có nhiều lý do, nhưng tôi nghĩ nó thực sự liên quan đến tính năng quan trọng nhưng thường bị bỏ quên nhất. Đó là tính không xâm lấn. Khi mọi thứ trong cuộc sống dường như đang cạnh tranh để thu hút sự chú ý của tôi, tôi chuyển sang WOOP vì nó không có màn hình. Và Will Armed, CEO người đã xuất hiện trong podcast này, đã cho tôi biết lý do tại sao không có màn hình, vì màn hình đồng nghĩa với sự phân tâm. Vì vậy, khi tôi đang trong các cuộc họp hoặc đang ở phòng gym, WOOP của tôi không yêu cầu tôi phải chú ý. Nó ở đó trong nền, liên tục thu thập dữ liệu và thông tin từ cơ thể của tôi sẵn sàng cho khi tôi cần. Nếu bạn đang nghĩ đến việc tham gia WOOP, bạn có thể truy cập join.woop.com/ceo và thử WOOP trong 30 ngày, không rủi ro và không cam kết. Đó là join.woop.com/ceo. Hãy cho tôi biết bạn cảm thấy như thế nào. Những huyền thoại. Vâng. Chúng ta đã nói về rất nhiều huyền thoại hôm nay. Cuốn sách của bạn chứa 21 huyền thoại khác nhau. Tôi sẽ không nói hết tất cả, vì tôi nghĩ mọi người nên mua cuốn sách và đọc hết chúng, và chúng ta không có đủ thời gian để đi qua tất cả. Nhưng chỉ cần chọn một vài điều nổi bật với tôi. Được rồi. Một trong những huyền thoại mà bạn nói trong cuốn sách của bạn là quan hệ tình dục nhiều hơn thì có nghĩa là một mối quan hệ hạnh phúc hơn. Điều đó có đúng không? Việc có quan hệ tình dục nhiều hơn có làm tăng hạnh phúc trong mối quan hệ của bạn không? Không. Không. Bây giờ, đây là cuộc điều tra về điều đó. Các nghiên cứu chỉ ra rằng các cặp đôi có mức độ hài lòng cao trong mối quan hệ của họ thì có lượng quan hệ tình dục cao. Nhưng điều đó không phải là do quan hệ tình dục mà mang lại cho họ sự hài lòng cao. Chính sự hài lòng cao mang lại cho họ lượng quan hệ tình dục cao. Vì vậy, thách thức là chúng ta phải định hình lại và phải ngừng nghĩ rằng chỉ vì chúng ta có nhiều quan hệ tình dục, điều đó không có nghĩa là chúng ta có một mối quan hệ tuyệt vời. Tôi thấy điều này xảy ra mọi lúc, đặc biệt là trong chương trình “Married at First Sight”. Một cặp đôi ngồi lại. Điều đầu tiên họ nói là: “Ôi, Paul, tôi không cần bất kỳ sự giúp đỡ nào. Chúng tôi đang quan hệ tình dục như thỏ.” Đầu tiên, sư tử có nhiều quan hệ tình dục hơn thỏ. Thứ hai, điều đó không có nghĩa là bạn có một mối quan hệ tuyệt vời. Thực tế là bạn có nhiều quan hệ tình dục, điều đó không cho tôi biết gì cả. Vì vậy, huyền thoại là nếu bạn có nhiều quan hệ tình dục, thì có nghĩa là bạn có một mối quan hệ lành mạnh. Nhưng liệu bạn có thể nằm trong một mối quan hệ không có tình dục và vẫn cực kỳ hạnh phúc không? Bạn có thể, rất nhiều người. Nhiều người đang ở trong tình huống đó. Bạn đã gặp những người như vậy chưa? Vâng. Có một tỷ lệ đáng kể người dân như vậy, đặc biệt khi chúng ta già đi. Bạn có các cặp đôi trong độ tuổi 80 đã đến một điểm mà ham muốn tình dục không còn nữa. Có thể chỉ một lần một năm. Và tôi biết mọi người trong độ tuổi 20, 30, 40, thậm chí 50 đều nghĩ: “Ôi, một lần một năm. Điều này thật điên rồ.” Nhưng nếu bạn có một cặp đôi, có hai loại ham muốn khác nhau ở đây. Một loại được gọi là ham muốn tự phát và một loại được gọi là ham muốn phản ứng. Bây giờ, có một sự khác biệt về giới tính ở đây. Hầu hết nam giới, ngay cả khi bạn nhìn qua các thời kỳ, cho đến độ tuổi 60, 70, họ có một loại ham muốn tự phát, nghĩa là họ luôn sẵn sàng. 24/7, họ có thể bắt đầu bất cứ lúc nào. Họ không cần phải có kích thích cảm xúc để quan hệ tình dục. Họ chỉ đơn giản là có thể cương lên ngay. Trong khi phụ nữ khi lớn tuổi, thường thì, họ cần có ham muốn phản ứng. Ham muốn phản ứng là gì? Họ muốn có một sự kết nối cảm xúc, một số “tiền tệ” cảm xúc. Họ cần một chút an toàn. Họ muốn có một cuộc trò chuyện, không chỉ một mà họ muốn có sự tích lũy của “tiền tệ” cảm xúc để họ có ham muốn phản ứng với tình dục để có thể quan hệ tình dục. Vì vậy, có những ham muốn khác nhau khi bạn nói về tình dục.
    Và tôi nghĩ rằng cần có nhiều cuộc thảo luận hơn về mong muốn đáp ứng. Và tầm quan trọng của việc xây dựng cái mà Tiến sĩ Karen Gurney nói đến, chính là như một loại tiền tệ cảm xúc để gia tăng kết nối với bạn đời của bạn. Vì vậy, tiền tệ cảm xúc gần như giống như việc gửi tiền vào tài khoản ngân hàng. Nếu bạn có một tài khoản tình dục trống rỗng và bạn đến với bạn đời và nói, “Tôi muốn quan hệ tình dục.” Nói cách khác, “Tôi muốn rút tiền.” Không có gì cả. Bạn chẳng nhận được gì. Thực sự, bạn không nhận được gì cả. Tuy nhiên, nếu bạn đang gửi tiền vào… Điều đó là gì? Đó là, tôi chỉ muốn gửi cho bạn một tin nhắn để nói cho bạn biết tôi yêu bạn nhiều như thế nào. Tôi trân trọng cách bạn chăm sóc bọn trẻ. Tôi không thể chờ đợi để chúng ta có một buổi tối hẹn hò tối nay chỉ để xem phim và uống rượu. Những khoản gửi này, ôm nhau, hôn nhau mà không yêu cầu quan hệ tình dục. Tôi thường nói về cái ôm 30 giây, và tôi đã cho bạn một cái ôm 30 giây một lần. Tại sao bạn không có vẻ hạnh phúc về điều đó? Không, điều đó quan trọng, nó quan trọng. Davina cũng thế. Cô ấy là một người ôm thật sự xuất sắc. Vâng, cô ấy rất giỏi. Vì vậy, cái ôm 30 giây, tôi nói về nụ hôn 6 giây, và rất nhiều người đã phản hồi lại rằng, “Nếu tôi hôn chồng tôi 30 giây, anh ấy sẽ nghĩ rằng quan hệ tình dục sẽ diễn ra sau đó.” Không, chúng ta cần bình thường hóa những điều này. Đó là việc gửi tiền cảm xúc vào người bạn đời của chúng ta. Sau đó, một khi đã được tích lũy, bạn có thể đi rút tiền. Đúng không? Vì vậy, có, tình dục cần được nhìn nhận, tôi nghĩ, càng ngày càng nhiều từ quan điểm của mong muốn đáp ứng và tự phát. Thời gian quản lý mong muốn mà tôi nói chuyện với bạn bè mình đôi khi. Chúng ta có nên dành nhiều thời gian ở riêng trong mối quan hệ của mình không? Chúng ta đang sống trong một xã hội bây giờ, như bạn đã nói, nơi mà chúng ta ngày càng trở nên cá nhân hơn, điều này có nghĩa là có nhiều yêu cầu hơn được đặt lên bạn đời của chúng ta để họ trở thành tất cả. Chắc chắn họ trở nên kém hấp dẫn hơn, bởi vì nếu họ là nhà tư vấn của chúng ta, là nhà trị liệu, là kế toán của chúng ta, hay là bạn thân nhất của chúng ta, có vẻ như, về mặt logic, họ sẽ không còn mặn mà nữa. Vâng, nếu họ là tất cả mọi thứ, chúng ta đã tự đặt mình vào một mối quan hệ có rủi ro cao, bởi vì ngay khi họ không trở thành mọi thứ, họ có thể là 99% mọi thứ, nhưng ngay khi họ không đạt 100%, chúng ta sẽ thất vọng. Nhưng cũng như, nếu người này là, như, sự hỗ trợ cảm xúc của tôi trong rất nhiều lĩnh vực của cuộc sống, họ là bạn của tôi, họ là đồng sáng lập công ty của tôi, tôi tự hỏi liệu cái gia vị, bạn biết đấy, họ nói rằng, “Vắng mặt làm trái tim trở nên thương nhớ.” Tôi tự hỏi liệu cái gia vị có rời khỏi ngôi nhà này không. Gia vị có thể, nhưng còn có những vấn đề khác, tôi nghĩ, khó khăn hơn có thể nảy sinh. Và tôi sẽ đưa ra ví dụ của tôi, vì tôi đã mắc vào điều này, đúng không? Vì vậy, tôi đã đến một điểm trong cuộc hôn nhân của mình nơi mà vợ tôi là tất cả đối với tôi. Cô ấy là đồng sáng lập của tôi. Chúng tôi đang điều hành một công ty mai mối. Chúng tôi đã dành gần như toàn bộ thời gian bên nhau. Chúng tôi là cha mẹ chung, đúng không? Chúng tôi — nếu tôi có một câu hỏi kinh doanh, một câu hỏi thuần khiết, một câu hỏi lãng mạn, tôi sẽ hỏi cô ấy. Nó đã đến mức tôi nhận ra mình đã tách biệt khỏi vòng tròn xã hội của mình. Tôi đã từng đi xem bóng rổ với vé mùa. Tôi đã ngừng làm điều đó. Tôi đã ngừng xem bóng bầu dục NFL vào cuối tuần vì điều đó chỉ dành thời gian với, bạn biết đấy, Jill và bọn trẻ. Và tôi nhận ra rất nhanh rằng điều đang xảy ra là tôi đã đầu tư mọi thứ vào vợ và gia đình của mình. Và vấn đề là — và đây là — điều xảy ra với rất nhiều người là tôi không có bất kỳ sự tự tin nào khác trong cuộc sống của mình. Tôi đã giữ khoảng cách với hầu như mọi người. Và vấn đề từ đó là, sau đó, tôi không mang lại giá trị nào cho mối quan hệ bởi vì tôi không có những mối quan hệ khác. Đó cuối cùng là điều đó có nghĩa là, khi bạn có những mối quan hệ khác, khi bạn có những vòng kết nối bạn bè khác, bạn đang học hỏi những điều mới. Bạn đang mang lại sự mới mẻ cho mối quan hệ của bạn. Bạn đang thêm gia vị cho mối quan hệ của bạn. Tôi không làm bất kỳ điều gì như vậy. Điều đó kéo dài trong một thời gian dài. Đây là một trong những lý do tại sao tôi đã tham gia vào bóng đá ở đây, bởi vì việc tham gia bây giờ vào một đội bóng ở Anh đã cho tôi một lối thoát ngoài gia đình và thậm chí ngoài vòng tròn xã hội mà tôi đang xây dựng ở đây, điều này hoàn toàn khác biệt. Đây là một nhóm người khác nhau — đây là một nhóm người mà tôi chưa từng gặp trong cuộc sống của mình, những người mà tôi yêu mến và mến mộ và học hỏi rất nhiều từ họ, và tôi có cảm giác thích thú. Và bởi vì tôi có cảm giác thích thú ở đó, tôi bắt đầu có nhiều mục đích hơn trong cuộc sống của mình. Tôi bắt đầu có nhiều niềm vui hơn trong cuộc sống của mình, và càng hài lòng với toàn bộ cuộc sống của mình, tôi có thể mang điều đó vào mối quan hệ và giúp tăng cường mối quan hệ đó. Vì vậy, điều này như thể, bạn biết đấy, nếu bạn nghĩ về — nếu bạn là một viên pin điện, đúng không, và bạn đang sạc pin và bạn là cái pin đó, thì thật tuyệt vời khi có thể nhận được sạc từ tám nguồn thay vì một nguồn, đúng không? Có thể nguồn một không hoạt động hôm nay, và do đó bạn không được sạc. Nhưng nếu bạn có thể sạc từ tám nguồn khác nhau, đúng không, thì khả năng bạn được sạc đầy sẽ cao hơn để, bạn biết đấy, sống cuộc sống tốt nhất của bạn. Tôi nghĩ đây là nơi mà các kiểu gắn bó lại phát huy tác dụng, bởi vì tôi nghĩ trong mối quan hệ của mình, có thể tôi thiên về kiểu né tránh nhiều hơn, và cô ấy có thể thiên về kiểu lo âu nhiều hơn, vì vậy tôi nghĩ có một mong muốn trong tôi để, như, có không gian, tự do, khám phá, tìm tòi. Cô ấy cũng có điều đó, tất nhiên, nhưng tôi nghĩ tôi chỉ — tôi có điều đó nhiều hơn một chút, vì vậy đôi khi có thể cảm thấy như cô ấy đang theo đuổi — Vâng. — thời gian chất lượng, và tôi có thể đang theo đuổi việc ở một mình — Vâng. — điều này gây ra sự rối loạn hoặc mất cân bằng kiểu này. Tôi đoán một số cặp đôi đều lo âu, tôi không biết họ có hòa hợp không, nhưng — Không, ý tôi là, điều gì xảy ra phần lớn thời gian là những người lo âu tìm kiếm sự né tránh. Ôi, được rồi.
    Chắc chắn rồi, vậy hai người đó cuối cùng đã hòa hợp với nhau, và điều rất quan trọng là cả hai bạn đều phải làm việc để có được sự an toàn đã kiếm được. Một trong những cách tốt nhất để làm điều đó là bao quanh bản thân với những cặp đôi có sự an toàn. Tại sao những người có kiểu gắn bó lo âu lại thường chọn người có kiểu gắn bó tránh né? Bạn có thể nghĩ rằng họ sẽ chọn những người cùng lo âu, đúng không? Và có lẽ chúng ta nên tạm dừng để định nghĩa rõ ràng những kiểu gắn bó này có nghĩa là gì.
    Chắc chắn, chắc chắn. Dựa trên nghiên cứu của Mary Ainsworth và John Bowlby, mà bạn biết, Bowlby là từ Vương quốc Anh, Ainsworth từ Canada, ý tưởng tổng thể là — nó có một cái gọi là Bài kiểm tra Tình huống Lạ Lùng, điều này nghiên cứu mối quan hệ mà chúng ta có với những người chăm sóc đầu tiên của chúng ta. Những người có sự gắn bó an toàn là khi người chăm sóc của bạn luôn có mặt vì bạn. Vì vậy, trong thời điểm bạn cần, người chăm sóc luôn có mặt để hỗ trợ bạn. Những người có kiểu gắn bó lo âu, mà một tỷ lệ lớn của dân số là lo âu, là khi người chăm sóc của bạn đôi khi sẽ có mặt. Có lúc thì họ không. Điều này rất phổ biến trong các cộng đồng di cư, thế hệ đầu và thứ hai, đặc biệt là những người nhập cư thế hệ thứ hai, khi cha mẹ của bạn đang làm việc. Bạn biết đấy, họ đang vất vả, làm nhiều công việc, và đôi khi họ có mặt cho bạn, nhưng họ không thể ở đó cho bạn mọi lúc.
    Và sau đó bạn có kiểu gắn bó tránh né. Kiểu gắn bó tránh né là khi người chăm sóc không có mặt. Vì vậy, bạn phải học cách tự an ủi. Bạn sẽ thấy một số lượng lớn những người kinh doanh rất thành công có kiểu gắn bó này. Tại sao? Bởi vì họ đã học cách tự lập. Những người lo âu có xu hướng cảm thấy như họ rất cần thiết. Còn người gắn bó an toàn thì ổn, họ cảm thấy ổn với bản thân. Giờ đây, tại sao những người lo âu và tránh né lại kết hợp với nhau? Bởi vì những người lo âu cảm thấy thoải mái trong việc theo đuổi. Đó là bản chất của chúng ta, và tôi nghĩ tôi đang hướng tới một sự an toàn hơn, nhưng xu hướng tự nhiên của tôi là tôi cảm thấy thoải mái trong việc theo đuổi. Còn người tránh né thì cảm thấy thoải mái khi bị theo đuổi. Bởi vì họ có cơ hội để kết nối, nhưng rồi tạo ra khoảng cách khi họ muốn. Vì vậy, bạn sẽ thấy nhiều người lo âu và tránh né cùng nhau, và điều quan trọng là nhận ra điều này. Vậy bạn đã nhận ra điều này, mà một nửa cuộc chiến chính là nhận thức. Giờ bạn có thể bắt đầu phát triển công cụ để trở nên an toàn hơn. Điều đó khó khăn. Đó chính là công việc. Nó thật sự khó khăn, phải không? Tôi nghĩ bước đầu tiên rõ ràng là nhận thức, vì sau đó bạn có thể bắt đầu nhận biết bản thân và thấy mình khi bạn có những hành vi nhất định và thực sự bắt đầu đặt câu hỏi về chúng. Đó là những gì tôi làm bây giờ với tư cách là một người tránh né. Khi bạn đời của tôi tìm kiếm sự chú ý và thực hiện những nỗ lực để thu hút sự chú ý như họ gọi, tôi quan sát những gì họ đang làm. Tôi quan sát cảm xúc của tôi đối với điều đó, và sau đó tôi cân nhắc cả hai quan sát đó theo một cách khác. Vì vậy, tôi tự nhủ rằng tôi yêu người này rất nhiều, và nếu họ cần một chút chú ý ngay bây giờ, chỉ cần chơi trò chơi, Steve, hãy cho họ những gì họ muốn. Trong khi trước kia, tôi luôn tự hỏi, “Tại sao họ lại làm phiền tôi?” Bạn hiểu ý tôi chứ?
    Vâng. Nhưng tôi phải làm điều đó mỗi ngày. Với nhiều podcast mà tôi đã tham gia, với nhiều lần tôi đã nghe về các kiểu gắn bó, nó vẫn là một cuộc chiến liên tục. Và tôi nghĩ điều này rất quan trọng, vì đôi khi chúng ta tin rằng chúng ta đã được cố định hoặc chữa lành, vì chúng ta có thông tin mà chúng ta sẽ hành động theo 24/7, nhưng cách dây thần kinh thật sự rất sâu. Nó là vậy, và nó là một liên tục. Nó không bao giờ kết thúc, và theo quan điểm của bạn, đây chính là công việc. Công việc là năng lượng tâm lý mà bạn phải trải qua. Bạn đang làm điều này, tôi nghĩ Tiến sĩ Julius Smith nói về nó, siêu nhận thức thực sự là những gì bạn đang làm, suy nghĩ về suy nghĩ. Và điều đó thì mệt mỏi. Nó thật sự kiệt sức. Làm điều đó mọi lúc thì rất mệt mỏi, nhưng đó là cái giá mà bạn phải trả để có mối quan hệ. Đó chính là công việc. Yeah. Và cô ấy thật sự xứng đáng. Ừ. Những người nghe podcast này sẽ biết rằng, bạn biết đấy, khi tôi nói về hôn nhân và những thứ khác, điều đó không liên quan gì đến cô ấy trong vai trò cụ thể. Thực tế, cô ấy là người đã khiến tôi muốn kết hôn. Cô ấy là người đã khiến tôi trở thành người không tin định nghĩa trước đây của tôi về hôn nhân. Giờ đây, tôi như thể, chẳng sao cả. Nếu cô ấy muốn, thì tôi không quan tâm lắm. Vì vậy, tôi nói tất cả những điều này bất chấp thực tế là tôi tin rằng tôi đang ở bên người hoàn hảo. Ừ. Ý tôi là, người hoàn hảo không hoàn hảo. Ừ. Như tôi với cô ấy. Ừ. Tôi không thể tưởng tượng mình tìm được ai tốt hơn. Vì vậy, tôi nói tất cả những điều này bất chấp điều đó, chỉ trong trường hợp ai đó tò mò. Và tôi thực sự cần điều đó. Tôi không nói vậy chỉ vì cho có. Bạn bè của tôi cũng biết điều này. Tất cả bạn bè của tôi đều tin và tôi cũng tin rằng cô ấy là người như vậy. Không có ai khác mà tôi sẽ tìm thấy tốt hơn cô ấy. Vâng. Một vài câu hỏi khác mà tôi có. Điều đó đã xuất hiện từ việc đọc cuốn sách của bạn, mà theo cách nào đó thật tuyệt vời. Cảm ơn bạn. Cảm ơn bạn. Tôi phải nói rằng nó được xuất bản bởi Flightbooks và có lẽ là một số loại tuyên bố từ chối trách nhiệm cho công ty ASA. Vì vậy, đó là hashtag mà tôi đã có. Một trong những câu hỏi khá provocation đối với tôi là câu hỏi này. Bạn có nên giữ bí mật với đối tác của mình không? Điều này là lớn. Vâng. Nhiều người nói, “Ôi, đừng nói như vậy. Điều này thật điên rồ. Bạn đang nói gì vậy?” Và có khá nhiều nghiên cứu về một khái niệm gọi là tiết lộ có chọn lọc. Trên thực tế, một trong những nghiên cứu đã gây ấn tượng mạnh mẽ nhất về tiết lộ có chọn lọc đã kiểm tra nhiều cặp đôi. Một cặp đôi hoặc một nhóm đã được yêu cầu hoàn toàn minh bạch với đối tác. Hãy cho họ biết mọi thứ. Mỗi vấn đề, mỗi mối quan tâm xuất hiện trong tâm trí của bạn, hãy cho họ biết. Đó là sự minh bạch đầy đủ. Sau đó là nhóm còn lại tiết lộ có chọn lọc. Vậy tiết lộ có chọn lọc là gì? Có những quy tắc cho tiết lộ có chọn lọc. Một là bạn chia sẻ những thông tin có liên quan. Bạn chia sẻ thông tin xem xét cảm xúc của họ. Thông tin xem xét ranh giới của họ.
    Thông tin công nhận
    tương lai của mối quan hệ của bạn
    đúng lúc.
    Và ngữ điệu rất quan trọng.
    Cách nó được truyền tải.
    Đó là sự tiết lộ có chọn lọc.
    Vì vậy, nhóm này được bảo làm điều đó.
    Bạn nghĩ điều gì sẽ xảy ra vào cuối thí nghiệm?
    Mọi người trong nhóm minh bạch,
    họ đã xé nhau ra.
    Không.
    Tôi chỉ muốn nói, Chúa ơi.
    Không, không, không.
    Họ không giết nhau.
    Nhưng nhóm có sự tiết lộ có chọn lọc
    thì có mức độ hài lòng cao hơn, ít xung đột hơn,
    nhiều quyền tự chủ hơn trong mối quan hệ của họ.
    Vì vậy, điều rất quan trọng là biết rằng những gì tôi nói là bí mật,
    tôi đang nói bạn phải quyết định một cách có chọn lọc.
    Và tôi nghĩ sự tiết lộ có chọn lọc là một khái niệm
    chúng ta nên dành nhiều thời gian suy nghĩ về nó.
    Vậy hãy cho tôi một ví dụ về điều
    mà tôi không nên nói với đối tác của mình.
    Được.
    Vì vậy, một lần nữa, điều này phụ thuộc vào giới hạn của đối tác bạn.
    Vì vậy, bạn đã thảo luận về những giới hạn này.
    Bạn biết tất cả những điều này.
    Nhưng chỉ để tổng quát.
    Tôi sẽ đưa ra một ví dụ.
    Nếu đối tác của bạn luôn để nắp kem đánh răng ra.
    Luôn luôn.
    Điều đó làm bạn khó chịu.
    Điều đó làm bạn khó chịu.
    Đúng không?
    Điều đó làm bạn khó chịu.
    Tuy nhiên, bạn biết đối tác của bạn đang trải qua rất nhiều căng thẳng
    tại nơi làm việc.
    Họ đang làm việc trên một dự án mới.
    Có phải đây là thời điểm đúng để nói rằng nắp làm bạn khó chịu?
    Có lẽ không.
    Có lẽ không.
    Dưới đây là một ví dụ thú vị hơn.
    Người yêu cũ của bạn nhắn tin cho bạn để chúc mừng bạn.
    Và đó là tình bạn platonic.
    Đó là sự chúc mừng.
    Bạn trả lời lại.
    Cảm ơn.
    Chỉ vậy thôi.
    Không có gì hơn.
    Nhìn bạn, nói từ kinh nghiệm.
    Chúc mừng bạn về podcast mới của bạn.
    Cảm ơn.
    Cảm ơn.
    Cảm ơn.
    Boom.
    Bạn biết đối tác của bạn đang làm việc để vượt qua chấn thương xung quanh sự ghen tuông.
    Bạn có chạy về nhà và nói, người này gửi cho tôi tin nhắn này không?
    Có lẽ không.
    Sự tiết lộ có chọn lọc có nghĩa là bạn đang xem xét
    tính liên quan của thông tin, giới hạn của họ, cảm xúc của họ,
    v.v.
    Đó thực sự là một khái niệm mà tôi tin rằng sẽ giúp tăng cường
    sự hài lòng và giảm xung đột trong mối quan hệ của bạn.
    Tôi nghĩ điều này rất quan trọng vì phần lớn câu chuyện là
    chưa bao giờ thích đối tác của bạn.
    Và điều này thật thú vị bởi vì tất cả những điều bạn đã nói
    đều đã xảy ra với tôi trong các mối quan hệ trước đây.
    Và tôi nghĩ đó là điều quan trọng.
    Thật thú vị vì tất cả những điều bạn đã nói đều đã xảy ra
    với tôi trong các mối quan hệ trước đây khi một người yêu cũ nhắn tin cho bạn
    và tôi đang ngồi với bạn gái của mình.
    Và người yêu cũ chỉ đang nói, tôi sẽ thích điều này hoặc gì đó.
    Và bạn gần như hoảng sợ vì tôi không muốn nói dối.
    Nhưng đồng thời, điều gì đúng mực khi tôi ngắt
    thời điểm này để nói điều gì đó không liên quan và, bạn biết đấy,
    thú vị.
    Rất, rất thú vị.
    Đó là một cái nhìn quan trọng.
    Bạn đang nói ở đó về việc giảm xung đột.
    Và tôi đã, tôi đã ghi âm một số nội dung vào cuối tuần
    khi tôi nghĩ về các mối quan hệ.
    Và một trong những điều tôi thực sự tin tưởng theo thời gian là
    dự đoán tốt nhất của một mối quan hệ lâu dài là bạn như thế nào ở
    xử lý xung đột.
    Đúng vậy.
    Và có một câu nói mà tôi yêu thích mà tôi không bao giờ quên rằng
    nói rằng bạn có thể dự đoán sức khỏe lâu dài của một mối quan hệ bằng
    cách mỗi vết cắt lành tới 99% hay 101%.
    Sự xung đột của bạn khiến bạn mạnh mẽ hơn không?
    Tôi yêu điều đó.
    Và điều lớn mà tôi nhận thấy trong mối quan hệ này so với các
    mối quan hệ trước đây là có một hệ thống giải quyết xung đột tự nhiên
    có sẵn dựa trên con người của chúng tôi.
    Được.
    Và tôi nói điều đó vì như, cô ấy không muốn hét lên.
    Cô ấy không muốn la hét.
    Cô ấy muốn lắng nghe.
    Tôi không muốn hét lên.
    Tôi không muốn la hét.
    Tôi muốn lắng nghe, điều này có nghĩa là từ giây phút đầu tiên có xung đột,
    chúng tôi có thể giải quyết nó và tiếp tục.
    Đúng vậy.
    Trong khi trong các mối quan hệ trước đây, giống như hai người chỉ
    là những đĩa bị hỏng cố gắng truyền đạt quan điểm của mình cho người kia.
    Đúng vậy.
    Gần như cố gắng thắng.
    Ừ.
    Bạn biết đấy, vì vậy một là, tôi yêu câu nói đó.
    Tôi yêu điều đó.
    Và những gì tôi tìm thấy, và tôi đồng ý, khả năng của chúng ta để,
    và tôi nói, bạn biết đấy,
    tôi cẩn thận khi sử dụng từ quản lý bây giờ thay vì giải quyết
    dựa trên nghiên cứu từ các Gottmans về cách 69% những vấn đề này
    sẽ không được giải quyết, nhưng quản lý xung đột.
    Có hai cách mà chúng tôi thường cố gắng quản lý nó.
    Một là chúng tôi cố gắng chiến thắng trong cuộc tranh luận.
    Đó là con đường sẽ luôn dẫn đến một mức độ hài lòng thấp.
    Con đường khác là cố gắng hiểu lý do tại sao đối tác của bạn nghĩ như vậy.
    Vì vậy, chỉ đơn giản là, tôi chỉ muốn hiểu, đúng không?
    Bạn có nên xin lỗi không?
    Chắc chắn rồi.
    Bạn có nên luôn luôn xin lỗi không?
    Được rồi, thì đây là những gì nghiên cứu cho thấy.
    Chà, tôi sẽ nói điều này.
    Khi tôi viết cuốn sách, tôi đang viết một chương về lời xin lỗi.
    Và tôi đến gặp Jill và tôi nói, Jill, bạn nghĩ tôi xin lỗi bạn bao nhiêu lần trong một tháng?
    Và cô ấy nói, hmm, bạn chỉ xin lỗi khoảng mỗi tháng.
    Vì vậy, cô ấy đang nói rằng tôi xin lỗi cô ấy khoảng sáu lần mỗi năm.
    Và tôi đang nghĩ, ôi, điều này thật khủng khiếp vì dữ liệu cho thấy những mối quan hệ thành công nhất.
    Có một lời xin lỗi mỗi tuần, trung bình, một lần mỗi tuần.
    Và những gì tôi nhận ra trong cái bẫy mà tôi đã mắc phải, và tôi nghĩ nhiều đàn ông cũng mắc phải điều này,
    là ngưỡng mà chúng tôi tin rằng chúng tôi nên xin lỗi.
    Vì vậy, một điều gì đó sẽ xảy ra trong mối quan hệ.
    Điều mà tôi cần xin lỗi cho điều đó, nó chỉ đơn giản là như vậy.
    Vì vậy, ví dụ, tôi có nghĩa là, rác luôn là một vấn đề lớn trong hộ gia đình của tôi, đúng không?
    Vì vậy, tôi phải mang rác ra ngoài hoặc đổ rác.
    Và đôi khi tôi quên, được chứ?
    Tôi quên.
    Tôi không nghĩ rằng việc quên mang rác ra là điều xứng đáng để xin lỗi.
    Nhưng tôi nhận ra đó là ngưỡng của tôi.
    Nhưng đối với vợ tôi, điều đó là, tôi có nghĩa là, có Thế chiến thứ III và việc không mang rác ra ngoài.
    Vì vậy, đó là một vấn đề lớn.
    Nên mức độ ngưỡng của cô ấy thì khác.
    Một phần mà tôi học được khi điều tra chương này là chúng ta phải hiểu rõ về đối tác của mình, đến mức có thể nhận ra ngưỡng cảm xúc của họ và gặp họ ở đó.
    Tôi đã có một sự cố trong mối quan hệ của mình cách đây vài tuần, có thể là năm, sáu tuần trước, khi tôi không muốn xin lỗi vì tôi không cảm thấy có lỗi. Nhìn chung, tôi không nghĩ mình đã làm gì sai. Okay. Và tôi thực sự nghĩ mình là người rất nhanh chóng xin lỗi đối tác. Tôi đã xin lỗi trong tuần này. Tôi có thể đã xin lỗi tuần trước vì điều gì đó. Nhưng đó là một khoảnh khắc rất thú vị. Chúng tôi thực sự đang tham gia vào liệu pháp tư vấn mối quan hệ hay gì đó tương tự. Chúng tôi đã làm điều này từ lúc bắt đầu mối quan hệ. Chúng tôi đã trải qua khoảng ba nhà trị liệu khác nhau. Và tôi đã nhìn nhận tình huống một cách khách quan và đi đến kết luận rằng trong tương lai, tôi sẽ không làm bất kỳ điều gì khác.
    Vì vậy, tôi đã đi đến kết luận rằng một lời xin lỗi sẽ thực sự không chân thành. Như vậy, tôi sẽ xin lỗi vì điều gì đó và có thể sẽ đặt ra một tiêu chuẩn mới trong mối quan hệ mà tôi biết rằng mình sẽ không thể đáp ứng trong tương lai. Tôi đã giải thích điều đó và nói rằng tôi không muốn xin lỗi vì tôi sẽ không chân thành trong tình huống này. Và tôi tự hỏi liệu có điều gì đáng giá trong điều đó không. Như vậy, lời xin lỗi của bạn có thực sự phải là chân thành hay bạn chỉ làm điều đó để giữ hòa khí? Bạn chỉ làm điều đó khi nào bạn thực sự cảm thấy chân thành. Nhưng cách chúng ta thực hiện điều đó là rất quan trọng.
    Theo những nghiên cứu mà tôi đã tìm thấy, chỉ có 50% lời xin lỗi thực sự hiệu quả. Vậy cái gì cấu thành nên một lời xin lỗi hiệu quả? Có một hệ thống mà tôi đã tạo ra gọi là ARC. A. Thừa nhận. Thừa nhận điều đã xảy ra. Ví dụ, tôi xin lỗi vì đã ngắt lời bạn. Thực sự xin lỗi, phải không? Tôi xin lỗi vì đã ngắt lời bạn.
    Thứ hai là ăn năn. Và tôi xin lỗi vì bạn có thể cảm thấy bị đánh giá thấp hoặc không được lắng nghe là kết quả của việc đó. Đó là sự ăn năn. Và sau đó là C là cam kết. Trong tương lai, tôi sẽ cố gắng chú ý hơn khi chúng ta có những cuộc trò chuyện này để không làm gián đoạn bạn. Đúng không? Vì vậy, đây là loại phương pháp ARC mà tôi gọi. Nhưng ý tưởng là để làm cho điều này hiệu quả, là thừa nhận điều đã xảy ra, cảm thấy ăn năn về tác động tình cảm. Đó là chìa khóa. Và đó là nơi tôi muốn dẫn dắt bạn. Sau đó C là bạn có cam kết gì cho tương lai. Điều đó tạo nên một lời xin lỗi toàn diện.
    Vì vậy, trong tình huống của bạn, có thể những gì bạn đã làm một cách khách quan, bạn sẽ làm trong tương lai. Nhưng bạn lại cảm thấy ăn năn về cảm giác mà điều đó đã khiến cô ấy cảm thấy.
    Tôi sẽ cung cấp cho bạn một số bối cảnh. Tôi đang làm việc trên một cái gì đó rất, rất quan trọng. Tôi đang trải qua nó và tôi đã nói với cô ấy trước đó, tôi sẽ phải làm việc trên điều này. Nó rất, rất quan trọng. Cô ấy biết từng chi tiết của dự án mà tôi đang làm. Cô ấy biết thời hạn. Cô ấy biết tầm quan trọng của nó rất sâu sắc. Và một điều mà tôi đã học được có thể từ việc làm podcast này và nói chuyện với bạn là phải giả định rằng mọi người không thể đọc được suy nghĩ của bạn, vì vậy hãy thông báo cho họ. Nếu bạn có vẻ hơi kỳ lạ, nếu bạn có vẻ hơi tập trung, hãy cho họ biết trước.
    Vì vậy, tôi đã ngồi xuống với cô ấy và nói, hãy nghe, trong khoảng thời gian này, tôi sẽ có vẻ hơi kỳ quặc. Và tôi đã yêu cầu cô ấy giảm kỳ vọng đối với tôi, mà tôi nghĩ là một điều rất tiến bộ để làm. Và trong một khoảng thời gian ngắn, chúng tôi đã có một sự bất đồng, một khoảnh khắc xung đột, bởi vì trong khi tôi đang làm việc trên việc này, vào lần thứ ba đòi sự chú ý, tôi dường như đã phớt lờ cô ấy, điều này đã dẫn đến việc tồi tệ hơn và tôi ghét khi bạn phớt lờ tôi. Và tôi đã nói, nghe này, tôi đã nói với bạn, tôi đã ngồi xuống, thực sự đã ngồi xuống bạn vào đêm hôm trước và sáng hôm sau và đã nói chuyện với bạn chỉ để cho bạn biết điều gì đang diễn ra. Tôi không có cách nào khác ngoài việc phải tập trung vào điều này.
    Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ lý do tại sao tôi không muốn xin lỗi là vì tôi nghĩ rằng mình đã làm mọi thứ mà tôi cho rằng mình nên làm. Như tôi nghĩ, tôi đã để người đó biết, đã nói cho họ biết chính xác điều gì đã xảy ra, cho họ biết điều gì đang diễn ra trong hệ thần kinh của tôi. Cho họ biết điều gì đang diễn ra trong tâm trí của tôi. Và chúng tôi vẫn kết thúc trong tình huống như vậy, nơi có một cuộc đòi hỏi sự chú ý và tôi không hoàn toàn có mặt ở đó. Nhưng tôi thực sự đã nói, có thể tôi sẽ không có mặt rất nhiều ngay bây giờ. Vâng.
    Vì vậy, tôi đã nghĩ, có lẽ tôi không nên xin lỗi ở đây vì tôi thực sự không biết cam kết mà tôi có thể đưa ra. Vậy thì có phải bạn không xin lỗi luôn không? Bạn không xin lỗi.
    Vì vậy, chúng tôi đã tham gia trị liệu. Chúng tôi đã tham gia vào một cái gì đó như liệu pháp cho các cặp đôi. Được chứ.
    Vì vậy, tôi đã nói với nhà trị liệu điều này để xem quan điểm của họ ra sao và họ đã đứng về phía tôi. Thực sự? Tôi nghĩ họ đã đứng về phía tôi và sau đó đối tác của tôi đã kết thúc việc xin lỗi, điều này là đúng, vì tôi thường nghĩ rằng tôi nên xin lỗi. Ôi trời ạ. Được thôi, có thể tôi có một cái nhìn khác. Được chứ. Xin vui lòng.
    Một là bạn đã rõ rằng đối tác của bạn đang lo âu. Vâng. Cô ấy biết cô ấy lo âu. Vì vậy, bạn nhận ra rằng do cô ấy lo âu, cô ấy sẽ cần một mức độ trấn an cao hơn trong quá trình làm lành và trở nên an toàn. Nhưng mọi người không bao giờ thực sự chữa lành. Bạn không bao giờ… Tôi không bao giờ chữa lành. Vâng, bạn biết không? Việc chữa lành là liên tục. Vâng.
    Câu hỏi là cô ấy có thể đến được một nơi an toàn không? Tuyệt đối. Điều này xảy ra với nhiều người. Vì vậy, cô ấy đang trong quá trình phát triển sang trạng thái an toàn. Vì vậy, trong khi cô ấy đang phát triển sang trạng thái an toàn, bạn phải cho cô ấy lợi thế để tin rằng cô ấy sẽ cần một chút nhiều hơn trong việc trấn an. Đó là một điều.
    Thứ hai là nếu bạn đã ngồi xuống và giải thích tất cả những điều này, cái mà cũng có thể xảy ra là, tôi không nói là như vậy, nhưng cái mà cũng có thể xảy ra là cô ấy hiện tại không có đủ “tiền gửi cảm xúc” trong tài khoản của mình. Tôi nghĩ điều đó không sao cả.
    Vì không có đủ, cô ấy đang kiểm tra để tìm kiếm sự đảm bảo. Vậy nên, hãy nhớ hai điều đó: sự thật là cô ấy có cách gắn bó lo âu, cô ấy đang phát triển sự an toàn, nhưng cô ấy vẫn lo âu. Thế nên, ngưỡng của cô ấy cho nhu cầu đó là cao hơn hoặc thấp hơn. Và bạn có thể chưa cung cấp đủ “nội tệ cảm xúc” từ sớm.
    Tôi thấy hợp lý rằng cô ấy sẽ kiểm tra và có một chút. Giờ đây, với việc bạn đang tập trung, bạn thừa nhận yêu cầu đó, và bạn đã nói rõ rằng bạn chọn bỏ qua yêu cầu đó. Điều thứ ba.
    Đó chính là điều thứ ba. Thật ra, tôi không cảm thấy có ý kiến gì. Tôi ngẩng đầu lên và mỉm cười, nhưng cô ấy đã cách tôi 100 mét. Được rồi. Và sau đó, tôi, được rồi, tôi sẽ hoàn toàn thành thật, được chứ? Bởi vì không có gì tốt đẹp khi tôi nói dối. Điều này tốt lắm. Tôi ngẩng đầu lên, mỉm cười, rồi đứng dậy đi qua và tôi đã lấy tai nghe của mình và quay lại.
    Ôi không. Ôi, tôi thật sự xin lỗi. Tôi thật sự xin lỗi. Tôi đã nói gì? Tôi không, tôi biết. Tôi đã mắc sai lầm. Không, tôi biết. Nó tệ hơn. Đúng. Tệ hơn tôi nghĩ. Tôi đã nghĩ đó là hai vụ việc riêng biệt. Tôi đã nghĩ đó là nụ cười. Và sau đó tôi đã nghĩ nếu tôi đeo tai nghe vào, tôi có thể tập trung. Không, không. Ngay lập tức sau điều này, bạn cần phải đi xin lỗi. Đúng. Tôi đã nghĩ rằng đó là hai vụ việc riêng biệt. Tôi đã nghĩ, nhìn lên, mỉm cười, và sau đó tôi cần đi lấy tai nghe. Bởi vì tôi cần tập trung vào việc viết cái này. Không, không. Khi có một yêu cầu xuất hiện, khi có một yêu cầu xuất hiện, và chúng ta biết, các chuyên gia nói về điều này mọi lúc, khi có yêu cầu xuất hiện, thì quan trọng là phải xác nhận yêu cầu.
    Nhưng đây là một cơ hội tuyệt vời để thảo luận về việc xác nhận yêu cầu là gì. Bạn biết đấy, vào thời điểm đó, điều gì sẽ đủ để cô ấy cảm thấy được đảm bảo. Hãy có cuộc trò chuyện đó. Có thể cô ấy sẽ nói, ngay trước khi bạn lấy tai nghe, một cái ôm hoặc một nụ hôn trên má sẽ thật tuyệt. Tôi sẽ thấy tốt phải không?
    Và vì vậy việc nhận thức rằng điều gì có nghĩa là được xác nhận là rất quan trọng. Hoặc tôi nên nói rằng được khẳng định là rất quan trọng. Vậy trong trường hợp này, nếu tôi là bạn, tôi sẽ xin lỗi. Và hãy điều tra xem việc xác nhận có nghĩa là gì. Bởi vì ai cũng cần được xác nhận, bạn biết đấy, theo cách khác nhau. Tôi sẽ xin lỗi cô ấy, tôi hứa với bạn. Nhưng không, điều này tốt, thực sự, tôi sẽ gặp cô ấy tối nay. Vậy nên tôi sẽ chỉ cho cô ấy biết rằng giờ tôi có một góc nhìn hơi khác về điều này.
    Tôi thích điều đó. Hãy tiếp tục với một huyền thoại nữa. Được rồi. Được rồi. Hãy đi với hai huyền thoại nữa. Được rồi. Vậy đây là một huyền thoại phổ biến mà tôi đã tiếp xúc trong các mối quan hệ của mình. Có nên đi ngủ tức giận với đối tác của bạn không? Đây có lẽ là huyền thoại được tin tưởng nhất, không có gì nghi ngờ.
    Chúng ta luôn nghe điều này, chỉ cần xin lỗi thôi. Và không chỉ trong các mối quan hệ lãng mạn. Bạn biết đấy, tôi nhận thấy điều này mọi lúc khi tôi còn đi học, khi tôi còn nhỏ, nếu có sự bất đồng hoặc tranh luận, giáo viên sẽ nói, chỉ cần xin lỗi. Đúng không? Tôi đã chơi bóng đá, bóng bầu dục Mỹ. Và bạn biết đấy, huấn luyện viên sẽ nói, chỉ cần, chỉ cần, bạn biết đấy, chỉ cần hòa giải đi. Như vậy, và bạn nghĩ về điều đó.
    Và những gì chúng ta đang nói là nếu bạn có vẻ hòa hợp, bạn có một mối quan hệ tuyệt vời. Nhưng chúng ta biết rằng đó là một điều sai lầm. Thực tế là chìa khóa là nếu bạn có thể hoàn toàn quản lý những gì đang xảy ra, hãy nhận thức, thừa nhận, thực hiện điều chỉnh xung quanh xung đột, thì ở điểm đó, bạn đang sống trong một mối quan hệ thật sự hòa hợp, trong một mối quan hệ lành mạnh.
    Vì vậy mỗi khi mọi người nói, ôi, chúng tôi đã có bất đồng, chỉ cần hòa giải trước khi đi ngủ, tôi nghĩ đó là một trong những lời khuyên thảm họa nhất mà bạn có thể nhận. Tại sao? Bởi vì bạn sẽ, như thể, bạn vừa mới có một cuộc cãi vã, bạn sẽ hoàn toàn căng thẳng, hoàn toàn căng thẳng. Và sau đó bạn sẽ đưa ra phản ứng nào? Bạn sẽ đưa ra phản ứng tồi tệ nhất có thể. Bạn có giải quyết được những gì đang xảy ra không? Tuyệt đối không.
    Một nghiên cứu sâu rộng về điều này, các nhà nghiên cứu đã chia hai nhóm người. Một nhóm họ cho xem những hình ảnh gây rối loạn, những hình ảnh tồi tệ, tồi tệ, đúng không? Và nhóm kia, họ cho xem những hình ảnh tương tự. Tuy nhiên, nhóm thứ hai được phép ngủ trong tám tiếng. Ở cuối tám tiếng, vậy nhóm một không thể ngủ, nhóm hai thấy những hình ảnh gây rối loạn, họ có thể ngủ.
    Kết thúc tám tiếng, họ theo dõi phản ứng với những hình ảnh. Bạn nghĩ điều gì sẽ xảy ra? Nhóm không ngủ, không nghỉ ngơi, không được điều chỉnh, họ báo cáo mức độ căng thẳng cao hơn nhiều xung quanh những hình ảnh. Nhóm đang báo cáo là đã ngủ, họ được điều chỉnh, họ có thể nhìn những hình ảnh khác đi. Hình ảnh thì vẫn giống nhau, nhưng họ không bị căng thẳng như vậy.
    Điểm quan trọng ở đây là điều tốt nhất mà chúng ta có thể làm để tự điều chỉnh là có một khoảng thời gian nghỉ ngơi, ngủ qua nó. Vậy bạn nên đi ngủ trong sự tức giận. Bạn nên đi ngủ trong sự tức giận. Và khi bạn thức dậy, hãy giải quyết nó. Não bộ làm những điều tuyệt vời trong giấc ngủ, phải không? Nó thực sự giúp giải quyết mọi thứ và làm cho mọi thứ trở nên dễ hiểu và hợp lý hơn, nhưng cũng rõ ràng nó đang điều chỉnh hormone và não theo cách mà tôi nghĩ sẽ giúp bạn đưa ra quyết định hợp lý hơn vào buổi sáng hôm sau, không từ amygdala mà từ các trung tâm logic của não bạn.
    Chính xác. Nghỉ ngơi là một siêu năng lực và chúng ta không sử dụng đủ. Cuối cùng là huyền thoại cuối cùng. Nếu ai đó lừa dối bạn. Được rồi. Đó có phải là sự kết thúc của mối quan hệ không? Không. Hoặc ít nhất nó không nhất thiết phải như vậy. Nó không nhất thiết phải như vậy.
    Tôi đã nhắc đến Gottmans rất nhiều và tôi nghĩ lý do là vì, bạn biết đấy, họ thực sự đã thay đổi liệu pháp cặp đôi từ những năm 1970, đúng không? Trước đó, liệu pháp cặp đôi, chủ yếu từ những năm 1950 đến 70, chỉ là những can thiệp khi mối quan hệ của bạn đã đến giai đoạn sắp kết thúc. Thực sự, đó là nỗ lực cuối cùng để đến gặp các nhà trị liệu này. Nhưng Gottmans đã xuất hiện và nói: “Không, bạn có thể xây dựng những kỹ năng này. Bạn có thể xây dựng những công cụ này để giúp bạn duy trì mối quan hệ, bất kể bạn đang ở giai đoạn nào.” Họ cũng dành rất nhiều thời gian cho những vấn đề hiện sinh mà tôi gọi là như việc gian lận. Từ nghiên cứu của họ, họ cho thấy rằng 70% những người tham gia vào quá trình của họ có thể đạt được mức độ hài lòng cao hơn. Chìa khóa là khả năng thực sự tha thứ cho đối tác của bạn. Và điều tôi thường nói về việc không chung thủy, dù đó là không chung thủy về cảm xúc hay không chung thủy về thể xác, là hãy đi gặp một chuyên gia trước. Đặc biệt là nếu bạn đã xây dựng điều gì đó mà bạn coi là sâu sắc và đặc biệt với đối tác của mình, và họ cũng cho rằng nó sâu sắc và đặc biệt. Đặc biệt, họ muốn chiến đấu và bạn nhận thức được điều đó là đặc biệt. Hãy đi gặp một chuyên gia vì gặp chuyên gia thực sự có thể đưa bạn trở lại con đường đúng đắn để có một mối quan hệ tuyệt vời.
    Câu hỏi mà tôi không nghĩ mình sẽ hỏi bạn, nhưng có lẽ tôi nên hỏi bạn dựa trên đó vì chúng ta đang nói về sự không chung thủy. Vậy còn sự không chung thủy kỹ thuật số thì sao? Chỉ Fans. Đó có được coi là sự không chung thủy không? Khiêu dâm có được tính là sự không chung thủy không? Nói ngắn gọn, nó phụ thuộc vào người bạn hỏi. Hầu hết những người tôi nói chuyện đều định nghĩa đó là sự không chung thủy nếu bạn không tiết lộ với đối tác rằng bạn đang làm điều đó. Vì vậy, nếu bạn đang tham gia vào OnlyFans hoặc trang web khiêu dâm và bạn không tiết lộ với đối tác rằng đó là điều bạn đang làm, đó là sự không chung thủy. Đó là gian lận, đúng không? Nếu đó là điều bạn tiết lộ và có một cuộc trò chuyện về nó, thì rõ ràng đó không phải, đúng không? Vì vậy, đối với một số người, họ sẽ nói rằng điều đó vẫn là sự không chung thủy. Theo ý kiến của tôi, nếu bạn không tiết lộ điều đó với đối tác, thì đó chính là sự không chung thủy. Đọc một số số liệu ở đây và cho thấy khoảng 80% đàn ông xem khiêu dâm một mình và khoảng 35% phụ nữ báo cáo rằng họ xem khiêu dâm một mình. Vì vậy, việc xem một mình mà không cho đối tác biết về điều đó đối với nhiều người sẽ được coi là, hoặc tôi tin rằng nhiều người sẽ coi đó là sự không chung thủy. Với một phần tư đàn ông báo cáo rằng họ giấu giếm việc tiêu thụ khiêu dâm của mình với đối tác và gần một phần ba phụ nữ bày tỏ lo ngại về việc sử dụng khiêu dâm của đối tác. Đúng vậy. Bạn biết đấy, đây là lý do tại sao tôi nghĩ nó rất quan trọng. Chúng ta phải chuẩn hóa. Nó gần như quay trở lại việc chuẩn hóa việc bị thu hút vào người khác. Chúng ta phải chuẩn hóa điều này vì với sự thu hút, có sự cảm xúc. Có sự thu hút thể xác và sự thu hút tình dục. Chúng ta phải hiểu rằng đây là một phần của việc làm người. Đây là những gì chúng ta được cho. Và lý do mà chúng ta giấu giếm điều đó là vì xã hội thích làm nhục chúng ta và nói, ôi không, một khi bạn đã tìm được đối tác của mình, bạn không bao giờ nên nhìn ai khác. Và một phần trong đó là kịch bản mà chúng ta đã nhận được. Chúng ta đã nói về tôn giáo có ảnh hưởng đến điều này. Và chúng ta phải chuẩn hóa những cuộc trò chuyện này vì khi chúng ta làm vậy, chúng ta sẽ có sự hài lòng cao hơn bởi vì chúng ta sẽ nhận ra rằng, bạn biết đấy, bạn quay lại và nói, ôi Chúa ơi, đối tác của tôi cũng làm điều này. Bạn hiểu tôi muốn nói gì không? Vì vậy, việc chuẩn hóa khái niệm này về việc có một mức độ thu hút bên ngoài đối tác của chúng ta là vô cùng quan trọng. Khi nói về thực phẩm, tôi tin tưởng vào cảm giác của mình và tin tưởng vào Zoe, một doanh nghiệp mà tôi là nhà đầu tư và là nhà tài trợ cho podcast này. Tất cả các chuyên gia dinh dưỡng mà tôi đã nói chuyện đều nhấn mạnh rằng thông tin về thực phẩm rất dễ gây hiểu lầm. Hãy xem những điểm nổi bật về sức khỏe. Những tuyên bố bạn thấy trên bao bì như ít đường và không gì nhân tạo thường là dấu hiệu của thực phẩm mà bạn nên tránh. Bạn đã bao giờ chú ý đến một tuyên bố sức khỏe trên trái cây tươi chưa? Bạn có thể hiểu ý tôi. Rõ ràng là có rất nhiều sự thiếu tin tưởng ở ngoài kia. Bạn nên tìm đến ai để có thông tin chính xác? Tôi sử dụng Zoe, được hỗ trợ bởi một trong những cơ sở dữ liệu vi sinh vật lớn nhất thế giới và các bài kiểm tra sức khỏe đường ruột tại nhà tiên tiến nhất về mặt khoa học. Zoe cung cấp cho bạn khoa học được chứng minh ngay khi bạn cần. Là một thành viên của Zoe, bạn sẽ nhận được một bộ dụng cụ kiểm tra tại nhà và chương trình dinh dưỡng cá nhân hóa để giúp bạn lựa chọn thực phẩm một cách thông minh hơn, hỗ trợ cho sức khỏe đường ruột của bạn. Để đăng ký, hãy truy cập zoe.com và sử dụng mã của tôi là Bartlett10 để được giảm 10% phí thành viên. Đó là zoe.com mã Bartlett10. Tin tưởng vào cảm giác của bạn. Tin tưởng vào Zoe. Tôi đã đầu tư hơn một triệu bảng vào công ty này, Perfect Ted, và họ cũng là nhà tài trợ cho podcast này. Tôi đã chuyển sang sử dụng Matcha như nguồn năng lượng chính của mình, và đó chính là lúc Perfect Ted xuất hiện. Họ có bột matcha, họ có đồ uống matcha, họ có cà phê hòa tan và tất cả điều này giúp tôi tập trung trong một ngày ghi âm rất dài, bất kể điều gì đang xảy ra. Và đội ngũ của họ rất chú trọng đến chất lượng, đó là lý do họ lấy matcha loại nghi lễ từ Nhật Bản. Vì vậy, khi mọi người nói với tôi rằng họ không thích hương vị của matcha, tôi đoán rằng họ chưa thử Perfect Ted. Không giống như matcha chất lượng thấp có vị đắng, giống cỏ, Perfect Ted mượt mà và tự nhiên ngọt ngào. Và mà không biết, bạn có thể đã là khách hàng của Perfect Ted nếu bạn mua matcha ở những nơi như Blank Street hoặc Joe in the Juice. Nhưng bây giờ bạn có thể tự làm ở nhà. Vì vậy, hãy thử và chúng ta sẽ xem bạn vẫn không thích matcha hay không. Đây là điều tôi sẽ làm. Tôi sẽ giảm giá 40% cho matcha của chúng tôi nếu bạn thử nó hôm nay. Hãy đến perfected.com và sử dụng mã DIARY40 khi thanh toán. Hoặc nếu bạn ở siêu thị, bạn có thể tìm thấy nó tại Tesco hoặc Holland & Barrett hoặc ở Hà Lan tại Albert Heine.
    Và những ai ở Mỹ, các bạn có thể mua sách trên Amazon.
    Có bao giờ việc thể hiện sự ghen tuông quá mức trong một mối quan hệ lại mang lại hiệu quả không?
    Như kiểu “Em yêu, anh đang nhắn tin với ai vậy? Khi nào anh về nhà?”
    Đó là loại ghen tuông mà bạn thể hiện ra ngoài.
    Tôi sẽ nói rằng mức độ minh bạch trong sự ghen tuông của bạn là điều nguy hiểm và nó phản ánh sự thiếu tự tin của bạn.
    Và đây là lý do tại sao tôi luôn nói rằng vì điều đó dẫn đến những nghi ngờ trong mối quan hệ, và bạn biết đấy, có những nghi ngờ lành mạnh.
    Nếu câu hỏi xoay quanh sự phát triển của mối quan hệ, đó là điều lành mạnh.
    Nếu đó là nỗi sợ dựa trên sự thiếu tự tin, thì điều đó là không lành mạnh.
    Paul, đây là một quyển sách xuất sắc.
    Thật sự là xuất sắc vì nó đối đầu với một số huyền thoại lớn nhất mà tôi nghĩ khiến tất cả chúng ta khó giữ được tình yêu và trong nhiều khía cạnh, tìm được tình yêu trong mối quan hệ của mình.
    Vì vậy, tôi rất khuyến khích tất cả mọi người đang nghe ngay bây giờ, hãy xem liên kết trong phần mô tả.
    Bạn có thể đặt trước một bản sao của quyển sách này.
    Nó sẽ được ra mắt vào tuần tới, khoảng vào ngày 6 tháng 2.
    Tôi tin rằng nó sẽ ra mắt vào ngày 6 tháng 2, năm 2025.
    Và đó chính là quyển sách, có lẽ là quyển sách duy nhất bạn cần để tăng xác suất một cách đáng kể rằng khi bạn tìm thấy người đó, bạn sẽ làm được điều rất khó, có thể còn khó hơn nữa là có thể giữ được người ấy.
    Bởi vì tôi như nhiều người đang nghe từng nghĩ rằng trò chơi là tìm được họ.
    Và bây giờ tôi đã ở trong một mối quan hệ một thời gian.
    Tôi nhận ra rằng đó thực sự là khi công việc bắt đầu. Và đó là điều mà quyển sách này, phá vỡ 25 huyền thoại này, thực sự giúp chúng ta làm theo một cách rất dễ tiếp cận.
    Nó có thể thực hiện ngay lập tức và thực sự đánh thẳng vào nhiều điều BS của xã hội, nếu nói thẳng ra như vậy.
    Nó được xuất bản bởi Flight Books, mà tôi chắc phải đề cập vì lý do pháp lý, đó cũng là nhà xuất bản của chúng tôi.
    Nhưng dù sao, tôi đã đọc quyển sách này và đây chính là lý do tại sao tôi muốn nói chuyện với bạn hôm nay vì đó là một quyển sách rất thiết yếu.
    Và có rất nhiều huyền thoại được truyền bá qua phương tiện đại chúng, mạng xã hội mà tôi nghĩ đang thật sự cản trở hầu hết chúng ta.
    Paul, chúng ta có một truyền thống khép lại trong podcast này, nơi khách mời cuối cùng để lại một câu hỏi cho khách mời tiếp theo mà không biết họ để lại cho ai.
    Và câu hỏi được để lại cho bạn là: Bạn đã có trải nghiệm gì trong độ tuổi từ 10 đến 13, nơi bạn khám phá ra sức mạnh của chính mình để làm mọi việc mà không cần sự can thiệp từ bố mẹ?
    Tôi biết ngay lập tức. Khi bạn nói từ 10 đến 13, tôi đã nghĩ ngay đến hình ảnh của mình ở New York, trên Long Island, trong một chiếc xe buýt trường học, bị đập đầu vào chiếc xe buýt trường học đó.
    Gia đình tôi là một trong những gia đình da đen đầu tiên chuyển vào khu phố hoàn toàn người Ý ở Long Island, New York.
    Và có rất nhiều người mà bạn có thể xếp vào loại bắt nạt.
    Và có một người đặc biệt luôn cố gắng trêu chọc tôi.
    Lần này qua lần khác, anh ta thường xuyên chế nhạo tôi, nói những điều nhất định.
    Anh ta có quyền lực. Anh ta như là kẻ bắt nạt trên chiếc xe buýt, và tôi không có bạn bè trên chiếc xe buýt này.
    Và có những lúc anh ta thực sự đập đầu tôi vào cửa kính khi đi ra ngoài.
    Và tài xế xe buýt nhìn thấy nhưng không bao giờ dừng lại, cũng không nói gì. Tôi vẫn nhớ điều đó.
    Nhưng bạn biết không? Mỗi ngày, tôi lại bước lên chiếc xe buýt đó.
    Và rất nhiều lần khi anh ta đập đầu tôi, đó là vì tôi đã nói điều gì đó với anh ta khi anh ta đang đi ra ngoài.
    Hoặc anh ta ở bên ngoài và tôi không bao giờ quên, khi anh ta bước xuống xe buýt, tôi vẫn nhấc ngón tay giữa lên với anh ấy, đúng không?
    Và anh ta sẽ quay lại xe buýt, đập đầu tôi một lần nữa ngày hôm sau.
    Tôi lại đập lại anh ta và tôi đã học được rằng tôi kiên cường như thế nào. Tôi là người kiên cường, kiên cường, đúng không?
    Bạn đẩy tôi xuống, tôi lập tức đứng dậy. Có thể không ngay lập tức, nhưng tôi chắc chắn sẽ đứng dậy.
    Và đó là điều tôi đã học được. Và điều đó không liên quan gì đến việc có bố mẹ tôi tham gia. Đó chỉ là tôi.
    Thật điên rồ khi bạn có thể nhớ điều đó nhanh như vậy.
    Tôi thích hỏi như vậy vì nó tập trung vào bài học từ khoảnh khắc đó.
    Và thật thú vị vì tôi đã nghĩ về khoảnh khắc đó nhiều lần, nhưng tôi chưa bao giờ nghĩ về bài học cho đến khi có câu hỏi này.
    Và vì vậy thật empowering khi nhìn nhận từ góc độ đó.
    Tuy nhiên, thật thú vị vì bạn đã chọn một bài học mang tính empowering.
    Bạn có hiểu ý tôi không? Đó giống như là sự lựa chọn mà bạn đã đưa ra.
    Tôi đã đọc một quyển sách tên là “Dũng Cảm Để Không Bị Ghét”. Tôi không biết bạn đã từng đọc quyển sách đó chưa.
    Nhưng nó chủ yếu nói rằng những gì đã xảy ra với chúng ta trong quá khứ không quyết định tương lai của chúng ta.
    Trên thực tế, chúng ta chọn cách lấy những gì đã xảy ra trong quá khứ để phục vụ cho mục tiêu hiện tại.
    Vì vậy, điều đã xảy ra với bạn trên chiếc xe buýt đó, bạn đã chọn lấy mục tiêu như là: nó sẽ giúp bạn trở nên kiên cường ngày hôm nay.
    Và bạn đã nói với chính mình, giờ tôi là một người kiên cường vì tôi đứng dậy.
    Bây giờ, một người khác có thể đã chọn, họ có thể đã quyết định hôm nay nhận một tư duy nạn nhân.
    Và họ có thể đã nói, tôi luôn là người bị bắt nạt.
    Và đó chỉ là sự may mắn của tôi.
    Và điều đó sẽ phục vụ cho mục tiêu hiện tại của một hình ảnh mà bạn muốn duy trì và xây dựng hôm nay.
    Giờ đây, hình ảnh bạn muốn xây dựng là kiểu người biết đứng dậy.
    Sức mạnh nằm trong bạn.
    Thật tuyệt vời. Thật sự thì rất tuyệt vời.
    Paul, cảm ơn bạn. Tất cả mọi người, xin hãy đi lấy quyển sách này.
    Đó là một quyển sách phi thường và có thể là quyển sách xác định nhất về chủ đề này.
    Nó kéo theo rất nhiều điểm tham chiếu khác nhau từ kinh nghiệm của Paul với tư cách là một người mai mối cho tới nhiều khoa học, cũng như các cuộc phỏng vấn mà bạn đã thực hiện.
    Đó là một quyển sách phi thường. “Giữ Tình Yêu” của Paul C. Branson, 21 Sự Thật cho một Mối Quan Hệ Bền Vững.
    Cảm ơn, anh bạn.
    Cảm ơn. Cảm ơn.
    Bạn có biết rằng 80% các quyết tâm năm mới thất bại vào tháng 2 không?
    Điều đó là vì chúng ta quá tập trung vào mục tiêu cuối cùng và quên mất những hành động nhỏ hàng ngày thực sự giúp chúng ta tiến lên phía trước.
    Những hành động dễ làm cũng dễ không làm trong cuộc sống.
    Dễ dàng để tiết kiệm một đô la, vì vậy cũng dễ dàng để không làm vậy.
    Việc cải thiện nhỏ mỗi ngày, từng bước nhỏ đúng hướng có tác động lớn theo thời gian.
    Đó là tư duy 1%, lý do tại sao chúng tôi tạo ra nhật ký 1%,
    một cuốn nhật ký 90 ngày được thiết kế để giúp bạn duy trì sự kiên định, tập trung vào những chiến thắng nhỏ và đạt được tiến bộ thực sự theo thời gian.
    Nó cũng cung cấp cho bạn quyền truy cập vào cộng đồng 1%, một không gian nơi bạn có thể giữ cam kết, được truyền cảm hứng và động lực, cùng với nhiều người khác trên cùng một hành trình.
    Chúng tôi đã ra mắt nhật ký 1% vào tháng 11 và nó đã bán hết, vì vậy bây giờ chúng tôi đang phát hành đợt thứ hai.
    Hãy truy cập thediary.com để sở hữu cuốn nhật ký của bạn trước khi nó lại bán hết. Tôi sẽ để liên kết bên dưới.
    [Nhạc]
    你是否應該對伴侶保守秘密?
    這是個大問題。
    是的。
    數據顯示,這將有助於提高你們關係的滿意度並降低衝突。
    那麼給我一個例子,告訴我我不應該對伴侶說些什麼。
    這是個誘人的問題。
    那麼……關於那些私事呢?
    哦,不。
    天哪!
    他是我常常說“不”或“這種事”的一個人。
    保羅·C·布朗森是世界上最具影響力的媒人,他結合了突破性的科學研究和超過 15 年的專業知識,證明任何人都可以為持久且改變生活的愛情創造堅實的基礎。
    我讀過一項研究,說如果女性得到不治之症,男性分手的可能性約為 624%。
    是的。
    這是怎麼回事?
    通常,這是因為關係中的滿意度較低,比如缺乏性行為的情況。
    但這是一個重大問題,因為今天有 80% 的關係的滿意度比歷史上任何時候都要低。
    而部分原因在於,我們關於尋找和保持愛情的知識不幸地是通過謊言傳遞的。
    我們先暫停一下,因為我想談談這些神話。
    好吧。
    那麼,增進性生活真的會提高你們的關係幸福感嗎?
    不會。
    那麼對關係的懷疑呢?這是壞事嗎?
    這可完全不是事實。
    真的嗎?
    實際上,對你的關係感到懷疑是健康的。
    原因就是這樣。
    如果有人出軌呢?這就是關係的結束嗎?
    很棒的問題。
    老實說?
    那麼,我在伴侶身上需要哪些最重要的品質?
    好吧。
    這讓我驚訝不已。
    要擁有一段非凡的關係,有三個特質。
    第一。
    什麼鬼?
    我覺得非常有趣的是,當我們查看 Spotify 和 Apple 及我們的音頻頻道的後台時,大多數觀眾尚未點擊訂閱或關注按鈕,不論你是在何處收聽。
    我想與你達成一個交易。
    如果你能幫我一個大忙,點擊那個訂閱按鈕。
    從現在起,我會不懈努力,讓節目變得越來越好。
    我無法告訴你,當你點擊那個訂閱按鈕時,對我有多大幫助。
    節目變得更大,這意味著我們可以擴大製作,邀請所有你想見的嘉賓,並繼續做我們熱愛的事情。
    如果你能小小地幫我一個忙,點擊關注按鈕,那對我來說將意義重大。
    這將是我唯一會要求你的幫忙。
    非常感謝你的時間。
    轟。
    史蒂文。
    很高興再次見到你。
    能在這裡真是太棒了。
    我將問你一個假設我不知道你是誰的問題。
    這頗有難度,因為我知道你非常好。
    但是,你是誰,為什麼你能寫出我面前的這兩本書?
    《尋找愛情》和《保持愛情》。
    那我先自我介紹一下。
    首先,我是一位丈夫。
    我是父親。
    我是兒子。
    我是兄弟。
    我是表兄。
    我是叔叔。
    我是導師。
    我是受教者。
    我擁有以上所有身份。
    我覺得這些職責是我首先所擁有的。
    但我在關係方面有著悠久的歷史。
    你知道,我成為了一名媒人。
    我和妻子創辦了一家婚介機構,成為美國最大的機構之一。
    有趣的是,很多人甚至不知道這是一份職業。
    像現在有許多真正的媒人。
    我會說,全球大約有一千名全職媒人。
    我們的工作是將人們配對,建立長期的承諾關係。
    但如果你真的成功,兩個人就會進入一段長期的承諾關係。
    由於他們與你建立了關係,他們開始對如何維持這段關係有問題,如何保持愛情。
    於是,我和妻子開始轉型成為已婚夫婦或處於承諾關係的情侶的顧問和教練。
    這是我們的起點。
    這個過程持續了十多年。
    除此之外,我開始在 Tinder 進行全球研究,這對我來說是一個很好的機會,可以查看非常大的數據集,預測我們的關係的變化。
    我主持電視節目,現實電視節目,無論好壞,我認為都有助於引發對關係的必要對話。
    所以我那裡進行研究。
    你知道,我還有像這樣的播客,所以我的生活其實與關係息息相關。
    這也是我想要寫這本書的原因。
    也是我覺得自己有資格寫這本書的原因。
    那麼你多久之前開始從事配對工作?
    哦,我的天。
    2008 年是我正式開始的。
    17 年。
    媒人工作。
    是的。
    17 年。
    這已經是很久以前的事了。
    我之所以問這個,是因為 17 年來發生了很多變化。
    是的。我們經歷了約會應用程式和媒合服務的演變,比如 match.com。
    我的問題是,你認為我們今天在關係方面的處境如何?
    宏觀的畫面是什麼?
    人們的感受如何?
    現在正在觀看此視頻的人,無論是單身尋找還是在一段關係中並可能遇到困難的人。你能給我一個概述,講講他們心裡的感受嗎?
    當然。
    當然。
    為什麼?
    這是一個很好的問題。
    我們感受的東西是不同的。
    有一小部分人。
    我想引用艾利·芬克爾(Eli Finkel)的研究,他寫了幾本優秀的書,其中一本叫做《全或無婚姻》,我非常喜歡。
    在書中,他指出,如果你看看婚姻/承諾關係,20% 的人比以往任何時候的滿意度都更高。
    你想,你所說的20%。
    這樣說來,這是相對較小的比例。
    他們真的有高滿意度嗎?我完全相信這一點。而原因是因為我們擁有工具。你知道,我們有人觀看播客、閱讀書籍、觀看電視節目,我們擁有以前從未有過的工具,更加容易獲取治療資源。因此,20%的人表示非常滿意,但80%的人則感到更多不滿、更多沮喪、更多困惑,這種情況比以前任何時候都要嚴重。我會說,那些沒有處於關係中的人,在這一點上也反映出了這種情況。我認為有20%的單身人士對未來抱有希望,正在發展工具、培養技能、學習積極傾聽及其他技巧。他們會這樣做,並且相信他們將會進入美好的關係。他們非常有希望。我認為還有80%的人,可能感到無望、不滿、困惑、沮喪,你知道,我會說,這就是今天的現狀。話雖如此,其原因在於多年間我們更強調伴侶的重要性,而不是依賴於社區。因此,我們越來越依賴伴侶。我們對伴侶的需求越來越多。這意味著如果我們對伴侶的需求變得更高,我們想要伴侶成為我們最好的朋友。我們都希望創業,成為首席執行官,對吧?所以我們希望伴侶成為共同首席執行官或首席運營官。我們希望伴侶成為好父母。我們希望伴侶晚上回家,脫掉衣服,在臥室裡做後空翻,對吧?這就是我們想要的。這就是我們想要的。因此,我們現在對那個人要求的更多,而不是三十年前、三百年前、三千年前、三十萬年前,那時人類才剛開始出現。你看看這一切,會說,哇,我們想要更多,因此我們將會有更低的滿意度。因此,我相信今天的現狀是這樣的。如果我們從正在尋找愛的人開始,正在尋找愛的人的當前工具如何?因為我在線上看到很多人對約會應用感到不滿,他們已經嘗試過社交媒體。我有很多朋友目前正在掙扎,他們一年有一百次約會,卻仍然無法找到合適的人。我心想,你一年有一百個約會,幾乎成為了專業的約會者,卻仍然無法找到任何人。這當然不會是因為缺乏選擇,或是漏斗的頂端,曝光是很好的。但在漏斗的下方,似乎有些東西與他們能否轉化某人有關,這似乎是出錯的地方。對吧?但是,我也會主張,這可能甚至源於更深層的根本原因。對吧?所以你思考一下依附風格,依附風格,我知道你對依附風格談論過很多。依附風格目前正是人們熱衷討論的話題,這是正確的。我喜歡這個。如果你考慮到這一點,主要有三種。對吧?我們知道有安全型、焦慮型和迴避型。還有其他變化,但本質上這三種依附風格就很重要。根據與誰交談,大約50%到60%的人口是安全型。這意味著剩下的則是焦慮型或迴避型,或者某種組合。因此,如果你在約會中有焦慮型依附風格或迴避型依附風格,面前有一個對你來說完美匹配的人,他們符合所有條件,你可能會因為過度焦慮或過度迴避而把他們推開,或者對他們的某種特徵或性格施加責任,而這對關係毫無意義,結果你就將他們拒之門外。你知道,這聽起來很有趣,但其實很悲哀。你知道我們在配對時,發現人們不讓某人獲得第二次約會的原因是什麼嗎?因為他們有一個魔術貼錢包。魔術貼錢包很酷嗎?不,不是的。你不能這樣,對吧?所以,你知道那是什麼嗎?那是因為吸引力。一方面,是生理吸引力,但更具體是因為他們有體味。真的?他們有口臭、口腔異味,對吧?或者有某種氣味。現在,你可以辯稱氣味在我們選擇伴侶時起著重要作用。塔拉斯·福德博士在這方面談論過很多,對吧?所以,氣味是與進化生物學相關的。是的,我同意。但要看著某人說,你知道嗎,你的口氣可能是臭的,對吧?所以我不會給你第二次約會。因為你的口氣臭,你的指甲很長,你穿著運動服,對吧?看著這些時刻,然後說,因為這個我就拒絕你作為伴侶。這對很多人來說聽起來合乎邏輯,但對很多人來說聽起來卻令人感到可笑。你明白我的意思嗎?那麼,如何達到這一點就是挑戰。如果你覺得這是可笑的,如何假設因為某人穿著運動服,或者因為他們有長指甲,就剝奪了他們作為優秀伴侶的有效性。這是關於你自己的。這是關於你的依附。這是關於你被社會化的方式。因此,我會主張,那些會進行很多很多約會,但仍然覺得無法找到合適伴侶的人,首先要審視的是自己。我在想這一點,因為我認為你約會的次數越多,你對下一個人的參考點比較就越多。所以,約會101,如果之前進行了一百次,你就有了一百位可能在某一方面都很出色的約會對象。而約會101將會根據之前的一百次在所有方面進行比較。
    所以也許約會49號有很好的幽默感。約會53號很富有。約會67號在外貌上非常美麗。約會101號將會在所有這些因素上與之前的所有約會進行比較。而你總會找到某些方面不如之前約會的人的情況,至少一個因素不如之前的某個人。我一直在想,當你結識越來越多的人時,是否在不經意間擴大了自己的比較範疇?
    我認為這與巴里·施瓦茨(Barry Schwartz)的選擇悖論的研究有關,他的研究相當出色。當我們面臨更多選擇時,這本質上就是所有這些約會,當我們選擇一個時,對這個選擇的滿足感會降低,因為我們面前有一百個選擇。相比之下,如果你只有三個選擇,並且必須在這三者之間做出選擇,那麼滿足感會更高。實際的例子是我的祖母。
    我的祖母在牙買加的叢林中長大,超級小的城鎮。我的祖母實際上只有五或六個伴侶選擇。由於我的祖母擁有這些選擇,當她選擇一個人的時候,對這個人的價值和重視會更多,甚至更可以從投資理論的角度來看,會在這些選項上投入更多的資源。相對而言,如果她有一百個選擇,當她做出一個選擇時,這個選擇就變得更加可有可無。
    所以這是我們面對過多選擇的一個問題。另一個挑戰是,當你觀察約會的人時,他們通常會約會相同的人。通常是相似的特徵,甚至在外貌上也是相同的。我認為,在約會市場中我們可以獲得的最大價值(如果你想把它視為約會市場的話),就是將自己置身於不同的市場,這種情況我稱之為“高級效應”。
    舉個例子,我有一位大約35歲、住在北倫敦的白人女性朋友。她曾經說:“保羅,我約會了這麼多男孩,但找不到合適的。”我對她說:“你喜歡藝術,不是嗎?”她回答:“是的,我喜歡藝術。”我說:“好吧,我想讓你去布里克斯頓的黑人文化檔案館,去參加他們的展覽。”她驚訝地問:“布里克斯頓?”我回答:“對,布里克斯頓很好,我經常去那兒。你去看看。”
    那麼,我為什麼要請她去呢?我請她去,是因為當她到了那裡,她的特徵將不再是相同的。那些大多數將是黑人的男士和女士,甚至可能比她年輕一些。文化上不同,但他們在藝術和創意方面的價值觀和欣賞是相同的。
    當她到那裡的時候,會發生什麼呢?房間裡的一些人會好奇地看著她:“她來這裡做什麼?為什麼她在這裡?”這些是心態狹隘的人。卡羅爾·德維克(Carol Dweck)在她的書《心態》中講到了這一點。我們有心態狹隘和開放的心態。而心態狹隘的人如何對待我的朋友呢?他們會靠近,問:“你在這裡做什麼?”他們感到好奇並與她互動。突然間,她將她的社交網絡打開,接觸到了一整個新群體。這些人可能是浪漫的興趣,也可能是柏拉圖式的友誼。
    所以,當我們約會時,尤其是連續約會者,對於那100個人來說,跳出你自己的範疇是很重要的。我想要強調的是你提到的那位白人女性進入了一個黑人社交圈。在這樣的黑人圈子裡,她及其特徵使她變得獨特,因而被視為“高級”的對象。
    我剛好在做一些研究,顯示有研究和調查指出,少數族裔,特別是亞洲男性和黑人女性,在英國和美國的約會中面臨獨特的挑戰。而這些挑戰源於社會刻板印象、文化偏見和約會平台上表現出的偏好。我之所以提出這個問題,是因為我並不是一位亞洲男性,並沒有人與我共同的生活經歷,這讓我無法理解那些在西方世界中掙扎的人們的處境。
    是的,這確實如此。你知道,我們必須理解,我們生活在一個高度種族歧視的社會中。很多人不喜歡承認這一點,不喜歡談論它,喜歡把它掃到地毯下面。但是在約會方面,這一現實會顯現出來,正如你提到的統計數據所示。
    現在,讓我們想一想。如果你不是黑人,並且對伴侶感興趣,而你與黑人之間的唯一接觸或許只是看了一些黑人的電視節目,而你的父母和社區對黑人的看法也是千奇百怪的,那麼你對黑人的一切都抱有各種消極的信念結構。那麼,假如你是一位白人男性,在約會應用上看到一位黑人女性,你會滑向這個人嗎?不,你不會,因為你無法理解她的卓越、智慧和美麗。你不會欣賞她。因此,他們不滑往那個方向的原因就是無知。
    這正是我們可以做的一些重要事情之一,就是擴大我們的社交圈。這是最重要的事情。這將對我們的浪漫關係產生積極影響,也對我們的生活產生積極影響。我們需要有一群多元的朋友,真正理解與我們不同的人是多麼美好。
    這裡是否也存在一些系統性問題呢?因為當我想到您提到的您祖母在牙買加的那個村莊長大時,她會花很多時間,因為她接觸到村子裡的那些人,是基於更深入的了解,而不僅僅是表面上的樣子。如果他住在對街,她會與他互動,觀察他的行為。他可能有長指甲,但她了解到他是個善良、慷慨的人,還很幽默,因此她可以不再在乎那個魔鬼氈錢包和長指甲。但在我們設計現代約會的方式中,現在大多數人,我相信,都在某種形式上在線上交友,無論是社交媒體還是其他,我們其實只是純粹地以指甲來評判一個人。我們在幾秒鐘內就做出這個人是否兼容的決定,而顯然這是不可能的。我覺得目前人們在尋找伴侶上有一種強烈的不滿、挫折和絕望。而我認為我們建立的社交網絡,這些屏幕,只是在加劇這種挫折和絕望。我的問題,與此有些關聯,實際上圍繞著傳統的做事方式,像您提到您祖母的情況,我對一個特定的主題很好奇,不知道您是否有相關數據,那就是包辦婚姻。
    是的。包辦婚姻的成功程度是否和今天我們透過社交媒體螢幕等形成的關係一樣?因為,您知道,早些時候,我們往往是基於家庭或經濟原因被安排在一起的。那些婚姻成功了嗎?我們中的許多人不願承認包辦婚姻實際上是多麼成功,並且依舊如此。真的?依舊如此。但我們必須了解背後的原因,對吧?現在,當人們聽到這個時,他們立刻會說,「哦,這些關係中發生的所有虐待和不滿呢?」這會發生嗎?絕對會。但在非包辦婚姻中,這種情況以顯著的高比例也會發生。所以為什麼包辦婚姻如此成功呢?對一些研究者來說,它們的滿意度高於非包辦婚姻。原因在於,家庭聚在一起進行談判並決定這個特定的人是否適合他們的家庭結構。這意味著,您有一位母親、一位父親、一位祖母、一位祖父、一位兄弟、一位姐妹聚在一起,他們討論和辯論這些特徵。他們討論和辯論這個人是否是一個端正的人。您知道,這個人是否開放?這個人是否能夠足智多謀?對吧?這個人是否具有韌性?他們辯論這些特徵。而之所以這麼有益,是因為正在結婚的人不參與其中,他們不參與是因為他們將完全有偏見。當今發生的事情是相當危險的。當今的狀況是,當我們遇到某個人時,我們通常不涉及任何朋友和家人。我們已經對這個人著迷,因此我們對他們著了迷。在這種情況下,我們甚至無法判斷他們是否擁有我們想要的特徵。我們正處於自己的創傷當中,而我們甚至沒有選擇他們。通常,他們是在選擇我們。所以我們最終滑入一段本不應該開始的關係。而在包辦婚姻中,圍繞某人是否適合該個體的生活進行真正的辯論是存在的。舉個例子,我和我的妻子是蘇仲介機構。我們開創了一件前所未有的事情,至少在我們所知的配對中是如此。史蒂芬,如果您是我們的客戶,您會是那時期的完美客戶,因為我們有許多在職業上非常成功的男性,感覺「好吧,我缺少的是愛。我缺少的是夥伴關係。」所以如果您來找我們做客戶,而我不是說「好吧,史蒂芬,告訴我您想要什麼。」然後您給我這個冗長的清單。我知道您會給我一個如150項所需特質的清單。相反,我會說,「不不,您去坐那邊。我甚至不想和您交談。」相反,讓我和您的兄弟談談。讓我和您的同事談談。讓我和您的前任談談。是的,讓我和您的前任談談。讓我從您最親近的人那裡獲得360度的視角,以了解您是誰。然後我會根據他們告訴我的共識來建立一個個人檔案。這是真的。我最好的朋友之一與幾位我的好朋友們相處不佳。但我特別想到有兩個,不過我特別想關注的是一個。他在過去的十五年中在關係上掙扎。每當他開始一段關係時,作為他的朋友,我都說,「這不行,這不行,這不行。」每當他和其他人交往時,我都會說,「這也不行。」在他最後一段關係失敗後,我和他坐下來,嘗試不過度干涉。但我說,「兄弟,我會知道。我覺得就像他知道我找到正確的那個人一樣,如果我要與我目前的伴侶分手,他會真的撤回那個決定。」他會發布一個行政命令來撤回那個決定,因為他知道那個人對我來說正是合適的人。同樣,我可以靈活地描繪出來。我可以告訴您那個人適合他的職業,年齡,基於認識他和他作為我十、十五年的摯友。但出於某種原因,他卻偏向所有相反的東西。
    我一直在想這個問題。我一直在想,我們是否應該為朋友挑選伴侶?不,絕對不應該。如果我們作為一個社會回到我們最近的親友或社交圈,我想強調的是那些我們真的愛的人,因為並不是所有的家庭都算是家庭。所以,如果我們的這個圈子為我們做決定,我們在婚姻中的滿意度將無疑會更高,或者伴侶關係中的滿意度會更高。這正是因為你所說的三個要素。在這裡有一項研究,2012年發表在《比較家庭研究期刊》上的研究顯示,在集體主義文化中,安排婚姻的夫妻在長期內報告的滿意度與愛情婚姻的夫妻相似或更高。是的,是的,回過頭去。Eli Finkel,今天我們的婚姻滿意度比歷史上任何時期都低80%。你想想看,即使是我們所強調的個人主義。這是需要特別強調的,因為我們對伴侶的期望越高,他們所需的標準就越高。而當他們無法滿足這些期望時,我們便不會感到滿意。他們可能在十件事中做到九件,但因為我們的期望是十,我們的滿意度很低,因為滿意度實際上是基於我們的期望。有時候,我們該如何處理這一點?因為很多人會發現,他們的伴侶在他們的生活中扮演了多重角色,或者他們覺得自己被期待成為伴侶的心理醫生、財務支持、最好的朋友、運動夥伴,或者週末一起打羽球、不知道的生活教練等等。有些人會感受到這種壓力,而他們同時還要自己運營生活。該怎麼辦呢?因為你不能回家說,親愛的,聽著,結束了。從今以後我只會是你的男朋友。很多人會不喜歡這樣,但我們必須降低對伴侶的期望。是的,我們真的需要這樣。我的意思是,我們首先必須確定,我們希望從伴侶關係中獲得什麼?因為如果我們回顧歷史,甚至不需要回到幾千年前,我們可以回到我的祖父母那裡。當時的決策不是,我是不是可以從伴侶那裡得到十個願望中的所有東西?而是十個願望中的三個,而我會對這三個願望感到滿意。為什麼?因為我有一個完整的社區可以求助。朋友、同事、與我在跑步俱樂部的夥伴—我可以向他們尋求生活中的其他面向。信心、智力激勵,不管是什麼。因此,這才是開始。我想要從婚姻中獲得什麼?然後下一步就是,嗯,你是否準備好做出努力來維持這段關係?你知道,Gottman夫婦,我知道你曾經請過他們上播客,他們是真正世界上在情侶治療方面的專家,對吧?John和Julie Gottman。他們告訴我的一句話是深刻的,那就是,我們彼此之間都是相容的。這句話稍微讓你反思一下。這究竟意味著什麼?這意味著如果我把你丟到一個荒島上,和另一個人一同生活,告訴你們,只能倆人相依為命,則你們會建立非常強烈的情感聯繫。有極大的可能性,你們會形成強烈的身體和性聯繫,為什麼?因為你們沒有其他出口,唯有讓彼此一起努力,去維持這段關係。看看現在。我們不覺得非得努力讓伴侶合作不可。我們有無數的選擇。我們可以選擇離開,是吧?因此,這種觀點,即我們彼此之間都是相容的,我覺得非常深刻,因為這意味著你可以度過難關。你可以通過付出努力來提升你的滿意度。我完全能夠理解這一點。我記得曾經在一個呼叫中心工作,當時我破產且孤獨。在這個位於曼徹斯特的Cheetah Mill的呼叫中心工作時,我愛上了坐在我旁邊的女孩。現在,我跟她的關係保持至今,我想十年後她來過我的一個見面會,她叫Rosie。這可能是她第一次意識到我曾經愛過她。但在那時的情境下,選擇不多,我是一個根本沒什麼選擇的男孩。我不會去夜總會,因為我負擔不起。我就是因為她就在我身邊而愛上了她,而我對她非常非常著迷。這讓我大吃一驚,因為從客觀上來看,若在那時我寫下我的理想類型,我不會寫下她,但因為我們保持了足夠長時間的近距離接觸,我找到了這份吸引力。吸引力產生了。不幸的是,這不是我們生活的現實。事實上,我有一個朋友在戀愛中最掙扎,她的工作完全是接觸人們。這就是她工作的基本前提,但她卻找不到任何人。我覺得我所看到的部分原因是我們所描述的,面對太多的選擇。但是,人們該怎麼辦?在現代社會中,該怎麼做,如果你一直在努力尋找伴侶,儘管你意識到如果和五個完全陌生的人共處一室,你可能會愛上其中一個人。是的,這很難,對吧?但它總是從自己和自我意識開始。我會從確認我的依附開始。這將告訴我們許多信息。
    如果她回去做功課,並意識到她是回避型的,這將開始填補為什麼她在情感上對關係保持距離的空白,為什麼她感覺自己不需要任何人,為什麼人們需要跳過更高的門檻才能和她在一起。從你的依附類型開始,並意識到如果你是回避型或焦慮型的,你可以獲得安全的依附關係。這需要工作,但你可以做到。順便說一句,你不需要心理治療師就能做到這一點。雖然和治療師一起工作總是有益的,但讓我們認清現實。治療師的等待時間、治療的費用都不是小數,而且每個人的治療師數量在減少。所以他們的可及性沒有我們想像中的那麼高。因此,首先你要從自我開始。這是第一點。第二點是要確定你想要什麼樣的關係。這一點之所以重要,是因為這樣你可以在與他人互動時清楚自己所設的界限。因為我總是說如果你不主張自己的界限,即使是出於好意的人也會因為不設立界限而變成霸凌者。因此,要確保自己的界限,你必須知道自己的界限。所以第二點是開始了解,好的,我想要什麼?我想要什麼?例如,今天你可以有數百種不同形式的關係。我的祖母對吧?那就是一種。直到死都婚姻的承諾。就這樣。現在你不一定要結婚。你可以分開住,但還是能在週末見到彼此。你可以選擇。我們不想要小孩。你可以決定。有數百種變化。清楚你想要什麼。當我說主張你的界限時,就是從一開始就明確你所關心的事情。這三個步驟都非常重要。我想談談關係的不同變化以及許多讓我們自我束縛的迷思。現代對於關係的概念。好的。但你剛才說的某些話,讓我想起我在你書中讀到的事情。當你說到“直到死亡將我們分開”時。是的。我讀到一項研究,該研究表明,在異性戀伴侶中進行癌症研究發現,如果一名男性末期重病,他的妻子成為照顧者,分離率為2.9%。如果女性末期重病,且男性伴侶成為照顧者,則分離率為21%,這基本上意味著,如果女性生病,男性與女性分開的機率約為624%更高。是的。而這在你新書《保持愛》中第48頁。是的。這到底是怎麼回事?這是驚人的,震驚的。這是如此驚人,震驚,所以我不得不把這項研究納入書中。對我來說——我在有關愛情的條款一章中寫到,我們必須理解出現的迷思是愛是無條件的。也就是說,如果你找到了對的人,就沒有條件。這對於你的孩子來說可能是對的,對吧?你的孩子可能做了可怕的事,我相信對他們依然會有愛。但這可在伴侶之間並不成立。對於我們來說,要意識到進入這些關係時是有條件的,這是最重要的。這幾乎是對女性的警示信號,在那一章裡告訴她們是有條件的。不幸的是,當人們去訪問那些在臨終床上離開的女性的男性時,甚至那些2.9%離開男性的女性,他們會說,他們不再得到——填空。他們不再得到情感的親密。他們不再得到身體的親密。他們不再得到那種,你來填空。由於不再得到這些東西,而這些東西是條件,他們就離開了。那麼,為什麼男性的情況呢?男性離開一位重病伴侶的機率比女性高出600%以上。你知道,關係中有過多比例的關注放在身體關係上,對吧?性。性。對。你會說:“保羅,說吧。”這其實就是現實。好吧,這不僅僅是關於性,對吧?這不僅僅是關於性。但這通常意味著關係中滿意度低。由於關係中滿意度低,可能是因為性不夠多,或者沒有得到他們喜歡的性。也可能是因為沒有尊重。他們感覺關係中不公平,不管原因是什麼。但因為已經有低滿意度,當伴侶進入重病狀態時,他們更容易離開,對吧?這是通常所見。你會發現當伴侶離開另一伴侶時,或當出現不忠行為時,滿意度已經很低。關係中的滿意度不僅決定了關係的生存能力,還決定了我們的生存能力。有一項研究做過。詹姆斯·科茨,這一個讓我震驚。他抽取了200名患有先天性心臟病的患者,對吧?因此不是末期重病,但幾乎接近末期重病。他能夠看出這200名患者,並根據他們在關係中滿意度的高低對組別進行劃分。
    兩年後,滿意度高的伴侶中,患有先天性心臟衰竭的那位伴侶,你知道嗎?他們大約有11%的機會會去世,所以11%的他們去世了。但是,滿意度低的伴侶中,兩年後,則有45%的人去世了。想想看,因為關係的低滿意度,死亡的可能性大約提高了三倍多。因此,關係中的滿意度是關鍵。
    這是我在這本書中試圖傳達的重要內容之一,以及我很多信息的重點,就是我們過於重視長期關係。這實在是荒謬。我進行面試時,通常的問題之一,謝謝你沒有問我這個問題。通常前兩個或第三個問題是,保羅,你結婚多久了?你結婚多久了?你結婚多久了?這個想法是,因為我已經結婚超過23年,所以我在婚姻上是成功的。這實在是荒謬。這實在是荒謬。問題應該是你對你婚姻或伴侶關係的滿意度有多高?
    所以我們必須停止過分強調長期關係,真正關注滿意度。你對你的婚姻有多滿意?史蒂芬。這是,我恨你問這個問題。不,不,我是說。原因是我的心。這是關於你的妻子的,我們之前得到了她的回答,所以我們就保留她的意見。是的,你先告訴我她說了什麼。你確定你想在鏡頭前知道嗎?我恨試圖回答這樣問題的原因是,因為很多人會說,哦,我不相信,我不相信討論這些。真心話,我對我的孩子們發誓,我與吉爾的滿意度是最高的,你知道,今天我跟我最好的朋友相比,無論如何都是如此。我認為這背後的原因是我們投入了大量的工作。你知道,很多人不知道的是,當我讀到一個統計數字時,吉爾通常就在我身邊。昨晚,真的是昨晚,我們在床上聊著婚姻的歷史,我們在討論克勞維斯,即法蘭克王的第一位王,他如何對關係產生影響。我們總是在討論這些話題。
    因此,圍繞這些話題進行對話,幫助我們保持開放。它幫助我們進行對話。它幫助我們辯論。它幫助我們有懷疑,幫助我們建立信任和自主。因此,它有助於我們擁有這種強大的溝通和情感親密感,然後又將其延伸到我們生活的各個方面,包括我們的性生活、育兒我們的孩子的能力和我們的工作。所有這些都源於這種強烈的聯繫。所以滿意度非常高。
    這是一個有趣的話題,因為我在想,嗯,我知道史蒂芬進行研究,所以他可以問吉爾。我非常有信心吉爾會說同樣的話。原因是我們總是會互相檢查。我們總是會問,現在你感受如何?對吧?我們覺得我們正在朝正確的方向前進嗎?你知道,當我想到你是否對你的關係感到滿意的問題時,心中總是浮現出問題:你是否對你的伴侶感到安全?你是否感到安全?你是否覺得可以對他們表達你真實的脆弱?對吧,這是一個問題。其次是你是否感到受到尊重?根據約翰·戈特曼的研究,第一點,他發現他可以以99%以上或90%以上的概率預測離婚,因為關係中的輕蔑或不尊重。所以你是否覺得受到尊重?另一個問題是,你對關係的前景是否感到樂觀?這表明你的伴侶在這段關係中付出了多少努力和工作。這麼多人對未來感到絕望,是因為我們知道伴侶並沒有做任何事情來促進這段關係。
    所以你是否在培養這段關係?我們很多人現在都急於專注於自愛和自我關懷。但問題是你對這段關係給予了多少關愛?因為這是一個獨立的實體。你在談論與吉爾的關於關係的柔情對話,以及這不斷成為你家庭中對話的一部分。當你這麼說的時候,我在思考的一件事是,是否應該花更多的時間來談論我們和伴侶的關係?因為如果我想到我現在的關係,我們花了很多時間在談論這段關係。而在之前的關係中,這總是變成了房間裡的大象。我們從來沒有真正有機會或論壇來詢問那些未滿足的需求或你快樂嗎等等等。我只是認為對於很多人來說,關係中可能缺少的部分就是他們一周中根本沒有時間靜下來談論這段關係本身。
    所以,是的,我們應該更多地進行對話嗎?絕對應該!這會挽救許多伴侶關係嗎?絕對會增進滿意度嗎?絕對會。我們是否時間不夠?我會說這成為了我們的藉口。我們生活得太忙了。想想看,我生活得如此忙碌,以至於無法給我計劃和我共度餘生的人時間。我們必須將伴侶關係置於優先位置。我們必須將這置於優先考量。我們必須找出何時可以安排時間來談話,並且必須真正談論那些重要的事情。我敢打賭,大多數男性甚至沒有意識到,尤其是在異性戀關係中,大多數男性甚至沒有意識到他們的伴侶在性交時並沒有高潮。你看到高潮差距,就會說, “哦,我的天啊,男性的高潮率達到95%,而女性大約在65%左右,或許在這些穩定的關係中稍微高一些。”
    這意味著有一個相當大的比例的人從未達到高潮,而我敢打賭他們的伴侶毫無頭緒。完全沒有頭緒。為什麼?因為沒有人談論過這個問題。現在,這個問題是雙向的。這不僅僅是男人需要意識到和進行對話的問題,她也需要能夠告訴他。但你知道為什麼她可能不告訴他嗎?因為她不想傷害他的感情。她已經十年沒有高潮了,所以她覺得如果現在提起來,這會對他們的關係造成傷害。因此,她試圖保護他,或者是感到尷尬,無論原因是什麼。他完全不知道,並且他們從未談論過他們的性生活。事實上,他們的性生活就像一部腳本,這通常是大多數人的性生活。這只是一個腳本。只有兩三個動作進行,男人達到高潮,女人卻沒有。就這樣。想想如果他們能夠簡單地開展對話和討論,會是多麼有力量的事情。然而,開始這種行為是很困難的。我想像你和吉爾的關係已經相當進步了,對吧?所以如果你們是第一級,空手道的第一級是什麼?是白帶嗎?哦,對,白帶。如果你在這方面就像白帶一樣,你和伴侶之間已經有十年都不談論這些事情。這一直都是房間裡的大象。很多話都沒有說出來。你會建議什麼作為一個好的起點來讓這個話題展開?好吧,我喜歡這個。所以,小步驟。在書中,我提到我們必須正常化一個事實:我們會對伴侶以外的人產生吸引力。沒有人想談這個。沒有人想談,“就只有我的伴侶。就這樣。我不看其他人,對吧?”你對其他人有吸引力嗎?哦,我的天,史蒂文,來吧。你呢?當然,當然。 不僅如此,還有不同形式的吸引力。你知道,有身體上的吸引力,性吸引力,情感上的吸引力。但針對你的問題,如果你的關係是第一級,那麼你就從這些小步驟開始。所以我和吉爾必須圍繞吸引力這個話題開始,因為我很難想像我的妻子對其他人產生吸引力。我無法想像,嫉妒、焦慮、緊張。我有焦慮型依附風格。所以,這只是恐懼,對吧?有許多不同的做法,但我給你兩個建議。一是你必須正常化這些行為是我們人類經驗的一部分。好吧,我們都有身體上的吸引力。某些人會有性吸引力。某些人會對不屬於伴侶的人有情感上的吸引力。如果有人否認,那他們就是在說謊,好嗎?這是一條。我們必須正常化這一點。我們正常化它後,就可以開始進行相關對話。所以,我和我的妻子圍繞這個話題所做的,她會因我說這些而討厭我,但我在書中寫了這些,所以沒問題,我們開始談論名人。這是一種簡單、低層次的方式。與你有臂膀距離的人。你覺得誰吸引人,等等。我看到我的妻子,如同我想99.999%的女性和男性一樣,喜歡艾德瑞斯·艾巴。她說,艾德瑞斯就是那個!以至於我心裡想,她會不會為艾德瑞斯·艾巴離開我?我認為她真的會為艾德瑞斯·艾巴離開我。就像,她肯定會為這個男人離開我。但是我們開始圍繞這個話題進行對話。這變成了一個玩笑,對吧?這被融入到我們的正常化中,然後我開始做我所謂的“把我的想法送上法庭”。把你的想法送上法庭,對吧?我會識別,好的,問題是什麼?情感是什麼?實際上是恐懼。如果吉爾在談論其他人,與之在一起,那是恐懼。但然後我會提取那種恐懼。我在恐懼什麼?我在恐懼她會離開我。她會離開我,對吧?但然後把那個想法送上法庭。有哪些事實可以支持或駁斥那些感受?好吧,我和吉爾在一起已經超過20年了,對吧?她從未, 我們的滿意度非常高。產生吸引力是正常的,對吧?所以你把你的想法送上法庭,然後你可以開始重新校準你對這件事情的看法。所以,你知道每年的紀念日吉爾都會收到艾德瑞斯·艾巴送來的最大的花束嗎?我寫的是“愛,艾德瑞斯·艾巴”。所以我寫著這些。因此,我現在的想法已經從我甚至無法忍受這個想法的那個階段轉變為現在的完全正常化。這是我們之間的玩笑。因此,正常化這些對話、把我們的想法送上法庭是非常重要的。如果我們是,我們必須意識到這一點,我在書中寫過,對你的關係產生懷疑也是健康的。我們被告知,如果你處於最好的關係中,如果你找到了靈魂伴侶,你就不應該懷有懷疑。這是神話,神話,對吧?懷疑是健康的,但有健康的懷疑,也有不健康的懷疑。如果懷疑是關於你關係的發展,那麼表達這個是健康的。如果懷疑是基於你自身的恐懼或焦慮或創傷,那就是不健康的。所以要知道這點,告訴你,吉爾和我如何解決這一想法:讓我們正常化對話。這是健康的懷疑嗎?是的。讓我們把它融入我們的關係中。所以,吉爾,我知道吉爾非常崇拜艾德瑞斯·艾巴,而她知道我會為碧昂絲離開她。是的,我是說,這是公平的。
    好的,我可以想像我的某類聽眾是更,該怎麼說呢?更進階的,關於好比我談到的白帶和黑帶,對於好奇心、興趣和願意在關係中發展與進化的程度來說。我敢打賭,這雖然是刻板印象,我明白,大多數情況下是女性比男性更具開放心態,願意學習、成長並加深彼此的聯繫。我猜測購買你的書的女性會比男性多。是的。而我也敢說,當我討論愛情和關係時,通常不是因為我能從數據中看出來,而是通常是更多女性在努力學習如何加深她們的關係。所以我想像我的聽眾中有這樣一位,她坐在那裡思考,我想這樣做,我想和我的伴侶進行這些對話。我想拆除一些隔閡,開始談論在過去幾年中我所面臨的缺乏高潮的問題。我想談論X、Y和Z,但我知道如果我把這個話題提起來,Dave會覺得我很奇怪。他會翻白眼,然後把足球比賽開回來,我在這段關係中感到不滿,但因為我們沒有溝通的橋樑,我覺得我現在面臨著一個選擇。我是應該離開這個男人,還是忍耐,接受這種狀況,開始建立那種溝通的第一步呢?那是什麼呢?我是不是應該關掉足球賽大叫他?還是發給他這個播客的鏈接?我覺得那可能是最好的選擇。我覺得就持續分享這個播客吧。我覺得與你認識的每個人分享播客,可能是最好的,我在開玩笑。不,不,不,不,不,不。因為我被提及了。我是覺得,就這樣吧,但…我覺得他很推這個。他說了五次。我擁有這個鏈接。實際上,這確實是第一步。所以假設是Lottie和Dave。好的。Lottie現在正在聽我們的歌曲,她想加深與伴侶Dave的情感連結。她該怎麼做?她給Dave發送一個這個播客的鏈接,說我們一起聽吧。讓我們有一個約會之夜,一起聽這個。然後我們就來談談發生了什麼。你知道我在共同主持的一個節目《英國初遇婚姻》上發現了什麼嗎?我感到非常自豪的是,男人們時常找我。我會聽到,Paul,我和我的伴侶一起看你的節目。我們的孩子也會看。我們會辯論你所說的事情。有時我們不同意,有時我們卻同意。而我覺得這正是我們所需要的,因為討論和圍繞這個話題的對話有助於提高意識,這會使你走上發展技能的道路,然後開始療愈。而最終,這就是治療的目的。治療就是療愈。所以基於這個播客、這本書、這個電視節目進行對話,確實不僅僅是第一步。這是邁向黑帶的重大一步。我在思考關係的歷史。我時常想,我們從社會上得到的多少關係規則現在已經失效,或者它們何時有效。所以你知道,我們有這些如婚姻、單配、甚至異性戀的構想,所有這些都是透過宗教和歷史傳遞給我們。我在看一些婚姻的統計數據,2019年,異性戀伴侶的結婚率跌至1862年以來的最低點。這是在英國。而在美國,自1970年代初以來,結婚率一直在下降。我沒有結婚,但我經常思考我是否應該結婚。最近我與伴侶進行了一次談話,我問她,你想結婚嗎?她非常明顯地想要結婚。但我接著問為什麼,事實上,她似乎只是想要一場婚禮,而不是與政府簽署的某種法律合同。所以我真的在想,基於我們對歷史和婚姻折衷的所有了解,我是否應該結婚?是的,因為你的伴侶想結婚。這足夠的理由嗎?好的,所以我認為婚姻這個體制,你會看到,我的預測是,因為核家庭的存在。你所說的核家庭是什麼?這是有趣的。對於核家庭有不同的觀點,但我把它看作你有兩個伴侶和孩子,這就形成了核家庭。這成為一個經濟單位,推動著社會。隨著這種形態的消失,根據許多研究人員的說法,推動社會的基礎也減少了。因此,我相信隨著我們現在在新加坡、在中國、在日本所看到的,政府將會大幅度介入,以促進婚姻。而婚姻在現階段已經在稅收優惠和能夠將資產留給伴侶或家庭成員等方面獲得鼓勵。因此,由於結婚的減少和核家庭的減少,政府將會更加介入以進行促進。所以你將會看到各種優惠被提供給人們以促進結婚,尤其是當你不僅看到結婚率在下降,還看到出生率也在如是情況下。現在,你所提的問題是你該怎麼做,這是一個關於價值觀的問題,而我認為這是一個早期非常重要的問題。我之前說過,你知道,當你遇到某人時,你應該明確地說出你希望什麼。這是早期非常重要的問題。
    現在,談到你和伴侶的關係,我想說如果她是支持這個的,而你則是冷淡的,聽起來像是你對此並不反對,但也並不熱衷。
    是的,我覺得我對此有點不可知論。
    不過,我可以指出結婚的一些缺點。
    真的嗎?比如什麼?
    嗯,我不知道,因為我沒有結婚。
    所以所有已婚的人都在對我大喊。
    我知道這一點,因為他們會私信我。
    自從我開始《首席執行官的日記》以來,他們已經私信我好多年了,因為在那些早期的集數中,我真的對結婚相當反感。
    但隨著時間的推移,我的想法有了一些變化。
    我只是想知道,我無法理解基本原則,為什麼與某人簽訂政府或宗教的合同會增加愛情結合成功的可能性。
    顯然,還有婚前協議的問題。
    其實我對我的伴侶不太擔心這一點。
    所以我覺得她,我想你已經見過,是的。
    哦,是的。
    從遠處看。
    對,從遠處看。
    我不擔心她會想要破產我,或者我想要破產她。
    所以這並不是真正的顧慮。
    舉辦一場盛大的婚禮的整個表演,我覺得有點奇怪。
    我覺得為什麼我們不能在接下來的50年中舉辦許多活動,讓朋友和家人共同參與,而不是只有一次婚禮。
    我也看到幾個目前正在結婚的朋友,他們因為經歷兩年的痛苦和心痛以及取消約會之夜而為這一天的婚禮而感到悲傷,這對我來說感覺非常合情合理。
    我們有一位特別的朋友,為了這一個大型活動而不得不取消很多日常的快樂,這讓他們倆都很有壓力。
    而且我不認為他的婚禮會過得很好,因為他似乎對這一切都很焦慮。
    我有時候聽到人們說他們無法離婚,必須透過律師提交離婚申請,去法院打官司。我就是覺得如果你想離開,應該是可以自由地離開的。
    我不知道。我覺得這是個糟糕的類比,完全無關聯。
    但在足球中,目前我最喜歡的俱樂部曼聯所面臨的許多問題是,我們有一些簽了五年合同的球員,我們無法將其解雇。
    他們想走,我們想讓他們走,但因為我們與他們簽了這些長期合同,所以非常困難。
    現在這些球員被擱置在後面,但我們卻完全忽視他們,因為我們無法解除合同。
    是的。
    所以我只是認為。
    是的,我聽到你的意思。
    好吧,我們可以談談這個嗎?
    可以。
    好吧。
    有很多世俗的婚姻,所以你不必與任何宗教相關。
    而且聽起來你面臨的最大困難可能是婚禮。
    因為對我來說,婚禮的基本意義是公開宣示你的愛。
    而且就你的觀點而言,它可以小到你想要的程度,可以大到你想要的程度,可以有你想要的次數。對吧?
    那個公開宣示可以在50年中進行50次。
    這由你決定。
    所以這是你和你的伴侶在這方面進行的探索,關於如何走出這個婚姻。
    這是婚姻中我們需要的最大改變。
    在我看來,婚姻應該更難進入。
    你不應該能夠像這樣,和你的伴侶一起去拉斯維加斯,開車到一個快餐式的婚禮,可以讓一位模仿貓王的表演者為你們主持婚禮,然後花25美元就結婚。
    這真是荒謬。
    我認為應該設置一些障礙。
    需要有一些篩選,某種形式的婚前輔導和諮詢。
    這樣每個人都能意識到即將做出的承諾,以及你擁有解決衝突等所需的技能。
    這需要變得困難。
    但是如果你想退出,應該能在一個小時內輕鬆退出。
    這應該是簡單的。
    貓王說結束了25美元。
    免費。
    對,免費。對吧?
    應該是這樣的。
    但實際上是反方向的。
    是的,你說得對。
    結婚很難脫身。
    這正在改變。
    現在在英國引入了無過錯離婚的規定。
    但那仍然需要六個月左右的時間。
    仍然有很多討價還價。
    所以我同意你所說的,應該容易得多。
    但最終婚姻的本質是,婚姻是一種以正式方式進行的承諾聲明。
    難道不可以在沒有婚姻的情況下做到這一點嗎?
    能否在不去教堂或其他地方簽署文件的情況下,做出承諾聲明?
    我不知道。
    這不可行嗎?
    可以的。你知道。
    是的。
    我想我只是有些承諾問題。
    我想這大概是根本原因。
    是的。
    這對我來說非常有趣,因為你已經在考慮,嗯,我該如何脫身?
    是的。
    這幾乎感覺像是對一輩子與某個人承諾的恐懼。
    是的。
    因為這是巨大的,想想這件事。
    你要對某人做出一輩子的承諾,過完你這一生。
    而我們感受到的,因為我之前也有過這樣的感受,當我…
    聽到這些我就感到焦慮。
    我在想,“天啊,這是我一生的事。”
    你一生的事。
    但想想看,這種焦慮是對尚未來臨的事情的恐懼。
    所以這意味著你現在可以審視你的想法。
    你害怕的是什麼?
    這種恐懼是什麼?
    但是,將自己承諾終生與某人共度一生不是個糟糕的主意嗎?
    想像一下,如果我對你說,你必須選擇一份工作,然後你必須永遠做下去。
    是的。
    由於這個決定的重要性,將會出現大量的拖延,
    這基本上會讓你無法選擇任何一份工作,因為你會想,“我必須選擇一份工作並永遠做下去。”
    然後你會變得完美主義。
    你會在每一份工作中尋求完美。
    也許這部分問題就是因為我們將婚姻視為如此最終的事情,
    我們確實必須確保選擇的完美。
    這是完美的。
    我同意。
    這是其中一個神話,對吧?
    這種“直到死亡將我們分開”的觀念,實際上是宗教傳給我們的。
    如果你看看基督教、印度教,甚至許多現代伊斯蘭婚禮儀式,
    都有某種形式的承諾,你將與這個伴侶共度你的一生。
    我認為這樣的承諾實際上使我們的滿意度降低了。
    它使我們變得自滿。
    哦,這就是我們得到的一切。
    相反——
    他們不能離開我。
    他們不能離開我。
    所以我就不必那麼努力。
    我現在甚至不必與他們交談。
    是的。
    我不需要去健身房。
    不。
    我可以就這樣坐著。
    這不過是個神話,因為我們知道離婚率和分居率在哪裡。
    我們知道你可以離婚。
    所以你可以脫身。
    她能脫身。
    我們必須把這些放在一邊。
    但關鍵是要思考當我審視這些恐懼時,那麼,好處是什麼?
    擁有一個終身伴侶的好處是什麼?
    你會怎麼說,好處?
    我想我也可以列舉一些好處。
    當你知道家是鎖定的時候,會有一種穩定感和專注感。
    作為一個企業家,我建議任何將要追求一個艱巨的,劇烈的,不確定的挑戰,例如建立一個企業的人,擁有一個伴侶在家。
    我知道亞歷克斯·弗格森爵士非常重視這一點。
    當他選擇曼聯球員時,他經常會詢問他們是否有伴侶。
    因為如果他們有穩定的家庭生活,那麼他們在訓練場上會更加專注。
    我自己也能體會到。
    你需要一個穩定的基礎。
    如果你是單身,我認為,作為一個企業家,這可能會成為一個巨大的分心。
    一個巨大的分心。
    因為一方面,你試圖在這裡建立一些東西。
    而另一方面,你又試圖在那裡建立一些東西。
    我認為婚姻也是有用的,因為當你知道它是難以退出的時候,這意味著退出不是最容易的選擇,這意味著你可能會首先去接受治療。
    而且你可能會看看是否能解決問題和弄清楚,而不是輕易放棄。
    是的。
    因此,它便變得不那麼可拋棄,這意味著你更可能努力去修復它。
    那麼還有哪些其他的好處呢?
    嗯,統計數據,對吧?
    所以有關健康和財富的統計數據都表明,如果你處於一段良好、高產、健康的關係中,你會賺更多的錢。
    我認為在一段富有成效的婚姻中,每年淨收入增加4%。
    根據羅伯特·韋爾丁格的說法,他來過節目,你會活得更長。
    所以我明白了。
    而且你會更健康。
    你會更健康。
    是的。
    疾病更少。
    好樣的,斯蒂芬。
    你知道我在說什麼嗎?
    我並不想拋棄婚姻。
    我在想是否有其他的選擇。
    你知道我也是部分如此嗎?
    如果你看看我生活的方式,我總是試圖測試系統。
    上學,不去上學,退學,成為企業家。
    一直以來我都有點反叛系統,真正探究我手中所得到的答案是否仍然有效。
    好的。
    就像我得到的許多答案,你去上大學,然後找一份工作,然後發送你的簡歷。
    這些在我生活中被證明都是胡說八道。
    有更好的方法。
    所以當我面對像婚姻這樣的傳統系統時,我會立刻說,嗯,讓我們來審視這件事。
    是的。
    我會說我和你同在。
    拋棄這個系統。
    考慮一件事,你提到過,並且有研究支持這一點。
    這就是投資模型,對吧?
    理論。
    所以你對你的夥伴關係的準備和實際關係投入的越多,投資的時間和資源越多,你的滿意度就會越高。
    這是事實,對吧?
    這是研究。
    這本質上就是你在說的,對吧?
    所以我會以這種方式來處理,就是如何在我愛的這段關係中投入多少資源。
    在你看來,預測成功婚姻的關鍵是什麼?
    好吧,再次問,什麼是成功?
    對我來說,成功是高滿意度。
    高滿意度與幸福感有很強的相關性。
    我認為卡羅爾·里夫博士是幸福感的奧秘。
    她並沒有得到足夠的認可。
    她創建了一個名為心理幸福感六個維度的模型。
    本質上,如果我們努力提高這六個維度的每一個。
    舉例來說,一個是擁有生活的願景。
    你對生活的願景是什麼?
    但問題是你是否覺得你正在積極追求那個願景?
    如果你覺得你不知道你的願景是什麼,或者你沒有在追求它,你的幸福感會降低,對吧?
    所以你個人擁有的幸福感越高,你在關係中的滿意度越高,你的關係就越成功。
    在尋找好伴侶時,我應該留意哪些基本品質?
    哦,是的。這裡有很多。
    但我喜歡寫的核心,其實我會簡化一下。你想要有一個能夠意識到自己幸福的伴侶,並且專注於自己的幸福。這是非常重要的,因為我認為我在書中包含的一項深刻研究顯示,大多數人相信伴侶之間價值觀的符合是成功伴侶關係的最重要因素。我們認為這與價值觀有關。我們被告知這是關於價值觀的。我們接收到的價值觀,順便說一下,這其實可以追溯至,你知道那可以追溯到哪裡嗎?宗教。你知道怎麼來的嗎?你有聽過「必須成為同耕的牛」嗎?沒有。哦,你沒聽過這個?不,不,不。你沒有讀你的聖經。是的,我沒有。你開始表現出我了。好吧。所以聖經提到你必須找一個伴侶。你必須找到一個同耕的伴侶。這究竟意味著什麼?同耕的意思是來自於牛對不對?所以一邊有一隻牛,另一邊也有一隻牛。它們被繫在一起。它們正在耕地。如果它們步伐一致,就可以耕地。如果一隻牛往這邊走,另一隻牛往那邊走,就無法耕地。無法產出。因此聖經說你需要有一個同耕的伴侶。牧師們多年來將這解釋為什麼?價值觀。你需要有一個與你有相同價值觀的伴侶,有相同宗教、有相同口音。這就是我們如何在階級中變得規範化的。這樣的事情發生了一個世紀又一個世紀,對吧?我們到了今天,問問街上的任何人,我們隨便抓10個人,9個人會說,我們問他們價值觀有多重要?9個人會說價值觀就是一切。什麼?價值觀是會改變的。它們會改變。我現在的價值觀與10年前非常不同。我們的價值觀在變。它們不是恆定的。我們需要拋棄價值觀。它們重要嗎?是的。它們最重要嗎?不。所以,讓我們減少對尋找一個符合我們所有價值觀的人的重視。相反,更重要的是幸福。對於他們的幸福有多關注?這是一點。第二,價值觀確實重要。不過,如果說重要性的話,那麼,更重要的是,你知道他們的開放性如何?他們願意多靠近一點嗎?他們有多好奇?第三是,他們的韌性如何?因為與任何人的關係都會意味著艱難時刻。他們能否迅速恢復,或者當事情變得困難時,他們只會躺在那裡?所以如果你有一個有韌性的伴侶,一個具有開放性,專注於自己幸福的伴侶,那就是一個很棒的伴侶。那麼雄心呢?這重要嗎?我認為雄心是一種價值觀。好吧。好。我只是想知道,因為很多人會說他們想要這樣的伴侶,但我就憑我自己,不是每個人都能有雄心勃勃。而且那些不一定非常有雄心的人也能找到愛並持續這份愛。當你問他們在尋找什麼時,他們通常會傾向於尋找一個有雄心或目標導向的人。這段期間我們談到的其中一件事是社會變化的情況。我目前正在進行的一個持續對話是,女性在尋找合適的男性方面面臨困難,因為女性的學歷更高了。我認為現在有更多的女性畢業於大學。根據我讀過的一些研究,前10% 的男性似乎擁有了大部分的性愛,而底部50%的男性則因為沒有受到足夠的關注而略顯失落。他們可能正轉向像色情這樣的東西。我聽說女性在約會中往上找。因此我讀過一項研究指出,大多數女性仍在尋找一位收入比她們高的男性,但在平等的世界中,我們都同意這是件好事,但由於女性的學歷提高,現在朝上找的男性不再足夠。因此,女性所尋求的東西與市場上實際可用的東西之間存在某種差異。這些都是事實。然而,我們必須質疑這些數據,但更重要的是,我們必須質疑被傳遞給我們的敘事。我覺得今天傳遞給我們的敘事是,前20%的男性或10%的男性是好的,但底部80%的男性卻不行。這與事實相去甚遠。我們必須承認,這是兩件事都可能為真。一是我們絕對生活在一個父權社會中,絕對如此。但我們是否需要給男性更多的寬容?絕對是的。男性是否比以往任何時候都更孤獨?絕對是的。男性是否困惑?絕對是的,對吧?男性是否被誤導?絕對是的。讓我們對我們的男性多給點寬容。這意味著什麼?這意味著要意識到我們的確生活在一個孤獨的流行病中。要意識到不到27%的男性有可以信任的朋友,現在有0%的男性覺得自己在凌晨三點時可以去找某個人。這些都是要意識到的事。我們是在說,你知道嗎?我可以欣賞與你收入或身高無關的其他特質和特徵,對吧?能夠理解非常重要。你剛才問我。我沒有提到任何關於某人賺多少錢,也沒有提到他們身高多少,對吧?但同時,我們必須理解的是,傳遞給我們的女性敘事是,所有女性都在尋找六英尺以上的首席執行官,對吧,年收入超過十萬英鎊或美元。而這也是不正確的。這裡的研究顯示,儘管性別平等取得了進展,研究表明更高學歷的女性仍然傾向於偏好收入比她們高的丈夫。
    這段話來自家庭研究所的報告。
    對24個國家的在線約會行為的分析發現,女性比男性更具選擇性,對於擁有較高收入和教育水平的男性表現出明顯的偏好,這再次證明了那種「向上和向右」的趨勢。
    但這樣的男性實在不夠多。
    所以根據這個分析,會有很多女性感到有些不滿意。
    是的。
    如果我真的深究這一點,挑戰在於,這裡談到的是受過高等教育的女性。
    我們知道,受過高等教育的女性通常是以超婚(hypergamy)的方式約會,這就是你所提到的「向上」。
    也就是說,約會對象可以是學歷相當或更高,經濟資源相當或更高的人。
    為什麼會這樣呢?
    因為社會給女性提供了一個劇本,告訴她們生存的唯一方式就是找到一個能提供這一切的男性。
    我認為我們必須接受這一切的來源。
    這是一個可怕的社會,告訴女性,除非找到能提供的男性,否則你不會安全。
    但快轉到今天,大量受過高等教育的女性正在這樣約會。
    但這並不是所有女性。
    另一方面,女性是否開始超過男性的收入和教育水平?
    絕對是的。
    在某些城市,世界上並不是所有地方的男性仍然收入更高。
    所以如果你看看傳遞給我們的敘事,你可以說,男性的平均收入仍然更高。
    但我想傳達的觀點是:
    我認為我們都需要重新評估我們想要的究竟是什麼。
    對於我們大多數人來說,我們不再需要一個伴侶,或者我應該說,這是我以特權的身份表達,對於許多西方人來說。
    我們不再需要伴侶來滿足實用的需求。
    如果你想想馬斯洛的需求層次理論,將其分為三個類別,你會說底層是我們所有的心理和生理需求,即食物和住所。
    然後是中層,屬於歸屬和連結。
    而最上層是自我實現。
    自我實現,活出最好自己,為這個世界貢獻我所能。
    婚姻和夥伴關係以及選擇伴侶在很大程度上是基於底層的需求,一直延續到1960年代。
    這簡直就像是昨天一樣。
    如果你想想我們生活的長度。
    但這也不是演變,因為你在動物王國中也會看到同樣的現象,比如猩猩,它與我們擁有98%的相同DNA。
    它們仍然選擇生存因素。
    所以當你查看不同哺乳動物及其進化生物學時,會發現有很多相似之處,但也有很多特徵是不同的。
    所以我們必須欣賞,作為智人,我們是獨特的。
    我們生活在一個我們在很大程度上自己創造的結構中。
    我們在辯論著婚姻這個制度。
    婚姻並不存在於我們生活的絕大多數時間裡。
    但是這個黃金法則的事情,你告訴我過這個。
    是的。
    而且你告訴我這是跨文化的。
    是的,確實如此。
    這個黃金法則的事情,請為大家解釋一下。
    但對我來說,這證明了選擇男性和女性之間仍然存在一些進化因素。
    我看到一項研究表示,幾乎50%的女性偏好只與比自己高的男性約會,而只有13%的男性偏好只與比自己矮的女性約會。
    另一項研究顯示,女性的滿意度在伴侶高出她們約8英寸時最高,而男性對伴侶比自己高約8厘米的身高差異感到最滿意。
    所以顯然女性在這方面有明顯的偏好,很多女性喜歡與比她們高的男性約會。
    是的。
    好的。
    是的,這真好。
    好的,這裡有幾點。
    我們有這些偏好嗎?
    絕對有。
    這些很多是通過進化和我們的生物學傳遞給我們的嗎?
    絕對是。
    大部分是通過社會化傳遞給我們的嗎?
    絕對是。
    隨著我們的福祉提高,我們會改變嗎?
    是的。
    所以我的觀點是這樣的。
    如果你回去問Zendaya,看看,十年前的Zendaya,你會更希望與比你高的男性約會嗎?
    我會說她有很大可能性會說我比較偏好。
    是的。
    那是她的結果嗎?
    沒有。
    她看起來是不是非常快樂和滿意?
    是的。
    對吧?
    這是從我的外部視角來看嗎?
    是的。
    那為什麼會這樣?
    因為她成長的過程中接受了一個劇本。
    她成長於關係的尊嚴化之中。
    她看過王子和公主之間的身高差距。
    她看到王子能夠抱起公主。
    她看到這些所有的事情。
    她相信這些所有的事情。
    隨著她變得更加成熟,意識到不需要他人的認可,理解自己所愛的特質,她可能會想,嘿,湯姆·霍蘭德,真帥。
    是的,但這顯然是一個例外。
    因為湯姆·霍蘭德的銀行賬戶有3000萬美元。
    但這確實發生過。
    但這是例外,不是規則。
    是的。
    你知道為什麼嗎?
    因為這也是例外。
    我同意。
    我贊同你的說法。
    這是例外,因為我們大多數人的福祉都不高。
    我們大多數人的自尊心都低。
    我會這麼認為。
    大多數成年人都有中等或低的自尊心。
    那這意味著什麼呢?
    這意味著我們需要他人的認可。
    對吧?
    這就是我總是說這一切都回到我們自己身上。
    你真的認為這是解決這個問題的答案嗎?
    你不相信在吸引力的選擇偏好中存在很大的進化因素嗎?
    因為我很難相信社會是我們為什麼選擇某些人的唯一原因。
    而我有一部分在想,甚至有點擔心,我們幾乎是意外地設計了這個社會,使得我們正在尋找的東西不再存在。因此,我們必須面對這種新現實,事實上,如果我們想要快樂並找到我們所尋找的東西,我們將不得不調整我們的一些偏好。
    我確實相信,我們所做的很大一部分決策是基因賦予我們的。因此,我贊成這一點。我認為研究也暗示了這一點。例如,我之前和塔里斯‧沃德博士談過,如果一位女性正在排卵或未排卵,僅從這一點來看,男性會受到吸引或不受吸引。或者你可以想到氣味,對吧?其實,我們對氣味的反應,之所以會被某些氣味所排斥,是因為這是基因所致。如果我們最終與某個基因相似度過高的人交配,孩子就不會那麼強壯。因此,我們需要基因的多樣性。我們並沒有意識到,但我們可以通過氣味來判斷,因為我們會對某些氣味感到排斥。這就像一種嗅覺測試。
    那麼,基因起作用嗎?絕對是的。黃金比例。我們談到的黃金比例,實際上是女性通常喜愛看到寬肩膀和纖細的腰;而男性則通常喜愛看到較小的臀圍、較小的腰和較寬的臀部。那麼,人們可以對這些概念進行辯論嗎?絕對可以。它們站得住腳嗎?我的意思是,這些是否有進化的原因?是的,因為這關乎女性的生育力,或者這關乎男性的強壯以保護他人。
    所有這些都發揮了作用,有時我們並沒有意識到進化在我們做決策時所扮演的角色,這也是為什麼了解我們人類創造的社會如何發揮作用是如此重要。社會告訴我們,你需要有一個和你同一階層的伴侶。當你找到你的伴侶時,那個人就是能夠完整你的那個人。當你找到伴侶時,這是直到死亡將你分開。這些觀念都是傳遞給我們的,因此不奇怪為什麼我們感到困惑。我們有這麼多進化的決策過程在進行,但我們甚至並未意識到它,然後在這一邊,社會又告訴我們,這是我們應有的伴侶,這就是原因所在。
    我再次強調,意識是關鍵。理解我們是如何以及為什麼會這樣,給我們帶來一種力量。它讓我們對自己的決策有了自主權,這樣當你在選擇伴侶時,你就可以問自己:「是的,我確實希望有一個超過六英尺的伴侶,但這對我來說到底有多重要呢?為什麼我會這樣感覺?」而一旦你開始和自己進行這些辯論,這就會讓你走上做出一個在長期內更讓你滿意的決策之路。我認為這是關鍵,而意識來自於面對兩種現實,一方面,某些進化的因素會讓我對某種類型的人有偏見,這些人擁有某些特徵,即使這些特徵實際上並不會導致長期健康的關係,比如那些魅力四射的男孩們;像魅力和自大還有自信都在某種程度上是吸引人的,但它們可能不是一個好丈夫。
    另一方面,社會通過雜誌和媒體傳遞給我大量的東西,描繪了美的形象,而這些形象往往也是虛假的。我認為理解這兩者是獲得自主權的關鍵。能夠說:「其實,我理解這部分出自於我內心的原因,但我將做出一個理性的前額葉決策來選擇其他東西。」
    一些證據顯示吸引力的進化基礎在於這個觀點:擁有對稱臉孔的人在各個文化中被認為更美、更有吸引力。這是否是真的?是的。許多科學家會說:「絕對是的。」但我對吸引力有一個確定的理解,就是對另一个人的吸引力在很大程度上取決於你的自尊心。我的意思是,自尊心越低,你對公眾的認可就越依賴。因此,你會想要一個被認為有吸引力的伴侶。所以如果社會上流傳的說法是對稱是關鍵,或者如果社會上流行的穿著這種款式的運動鞋是關鍵,如果這就是社會所說的,那麼如果你自尊心低,你就想讓你的伴侶看起來像那樣,因為你需要伴侶的認可。
    不過,無論何時你看到,我所說的就是,無論何時你看到某個人與伴侶走在一起,而你在想「他們怎麼會在一起?」機率上有一個因素,並且記住,我不是說一方收入超高或一方有超高地位。我只是在說,當你看著一對情侶時,你會說「他們看起來很奇怪。」其中一個人可能傳統上有吸引力,而另一個人可能沒有。通常情況下,發生的事情是,有人擁有高自尊心,對於公眾對他們伴侶的認可完全不需要。我不認為人們對此談論得夠多,但這確實無比真實。事實上,我認識一位自尊心歷來較低、年輕時經歷過很多事情的個體。我記得當他們開始一段關係時,我清楚記得我在倫敦的站位,以及那個時候他們轉向我,剛開始一段關係的那位有著低自尊的人,對我說:「史蒂夫,我真的很喜歡她,但我有點擔心。」這是一句精確的引述。
    我有點擔心,像是如果我和她手挽手進入一家餐廳,這樣的樣子會好看嗎?我記得曾對這個人說過,如果你是根據對方走進一段關係時的外表來評估此人,那麼天啊,這段關係可真糟糕,因為你忽略了真正重要的事物,最重要的事物。而這個人一直在不同的關係間遊走,一段接著一段,而所有的關係都是失敗的。隨著我和他們相處的時間越長,我心想,這是因為他們的選擇是透過不安全感和低自尊來做的。是的,這是一連串的關係,一段接著一段。是的,這並不是基於一個人的本質或其他在長期中更重要的兼容性來做的決定,而是那種不斷的表面連結。是的,我認為我們大多數人在做決定時,都是根據自尊心。你在擔任媒人的時候有看到這一點嗎?你知道,有的富人,你也看過吧?對,正是如此。我清楚記得上次你問我,說你看過的最深刻的事情是什麼,而我從來沒想過這個問題,直到你問了。那時出現的那些男人都是自尊極低的人。這些人我稱之為晚熟者。他們是那些總覺得沒人喜歡他們的人,覺得沒人喜歡他們的外表。他們是所謂的「醜小鴨」。他們後來在生活中找到健身房,對吧?他們在生活中找到了自己的魅力。他們一直很用功,性格有些內向,也可能同時有些害羞。而現在他們在這裡。當人們走過他們身邊時,會想,哦,我的天,這家伙真帥。看看這個人真帥。但他從來不覺得自己帥,今天也不這麼認為。這就是為什麼我說,要回到內心工作。我們會接這樣的客戶,而不是單純地說,讓我們給你安排一次約會。我們不能這樣做。我們必須開始從內心和你一起工作,讓你意識到自己有多麼驚人。為什麼不直接讓他們去約會,即使他們自尊心低落?因為,好吧,我們可以讓他們面對最棒的對象,但他們不會認識到,因為他們的決定基於自尊心。於是他們做出了你朋友做出的決定,對吧?他們會想,當我把這個人帶到聖誕派對時,他會看起來怎麼樣?而不是問他們的幸福感如何?或者我們是否共享任何價值觀,等等。所以你可能會錯過一個可能對你很好的人,並將他們推開或輕視他們。或者更糟的是,因為你的不安全感,邀請一個不是對你最合適的人進入你的生活。就像一個自戀者。就像一個自戀者,像一個施虐者,像一個精神病患者,像一個馬基雅維里主義者,對吧?你知道,這個世界上有一個明確的壞人群體。大衛·布斯寫過這些,我們必須意識到他們利用我們的恐懼。他們理解當某人的自尊心低、幸福感低時。這些人會被這種人吸引。為什麼?因為他們能更好地操控他們。我們最好的防禦是什麼?生活中任何關係中最好的防禦就是我們的幸福感。它對抗世界上所有的壞人。而它還能吸引世界上那些優秀的人,因為擁有高幸福感和高自尊的人通常會環繞著、理解,甚至吸引擁有高幸福感和高自尊的人。好吧,在我所知的友誼圈裡,有兩個個案研究浮現在我的腦海裡。他們都快進入四十歲。他們都可以說自己自尊心低。他們覺得沒有時間去提升自己的自尊,因為在兩個情況中,他們都這麼說:「我需要找個人。」他們都有點焦急,我會說。這其中一位是男性,一位是女性。那麼你會對這兩個人說什麼呢?進入四十歲了,覺得有點急迫。一位在與生物鐘抗衡,另一位只是在與社會比較抗衡。他所有的朋友都在戀愛並安定下來,而他仍然單身。他們根本上自尊都低。所以他們試圖解決這個問題,試圖做吹風造型,讓自己看起來外表好看以吸引他人,並盡可能多地約會,試圖盡快找到合適的人。是的。我會告訴他們:「你還沒活到人生的一半。你還有很多時間。」就這樣。但我這裡有生物鐘。你知道嗎?我明白這點。但你知道更糟的是什麼嗎?令人難以置信的悲哀是,我見過一大部分人說:「我有生物鐘。我想要孩子。 所以,我打算隨便找個人來生孩子。」結果會怎樣呢?結果會成為一個極其困難的情況來管理,因為你現在和一個你不喜歡的人在一起。你覺得不安全,沒有情感連結。這段關係給你帶來壓力。他們最終無法成為孩子的父母。這種壓力會導致你可能患有的其他問題,比如自體免疫病。你會無法以最佳的狀態出現來照顧孩子。孩子看到這個,結果會因為你想要趕進度生育造成一系列問題。我這麼說是因為我理解想要有孩子的渴望。我明白。我和我妻子努力了八年。我們經歷了試管嬰兒。我明白。直到今天,我們仍在為我們的胚胎凍結支付費用。
    這就像是,我理解有孩子的渴望。
    你那時幾歲?
    天啊。
    大約是16年前我們開始試管嬰兒(IVF)。
    我們算是IVF的早期探索者。
    順便說一下,即使在這16年前,我們也曾嘗試自然懷孕。
    我們經歷了一年的週期,但都沒有成功。
    我們最終失去了一個孩子,這是完全毀滅性的。
    然後我們有了一個成功的週期,這就是我們的第一個兒子,金斯頓。
    不久之後,第二個兒子利亞姆也有了一個成功的週期。
    有關試管嬰兒的一個不為人知的故事,我希望大家能更多地談論這個問題,就是
    你可能仍然有八個胚胎、六個仍然具備生命力的胚胎。
    我們有九個仍然具備生命力的胚胎。
    那該怎麼辦?
    有些人會將這些胚胎捐贈給科學。
    有些人會選擇銷毀它們。
    還有一些人,比如我和我的妻子,會想,“這些是我們創造的生命。
    我們該怎麼辦?”
    我們已經支付了存儲費用。
    自從我們開始週期以來,我們每個月都在支付存儲費用。
    有些人告訴我,在某些國家,關於胚胎可以存儲幾年的規定是有限制的。
    這是一個艱難的決定。
    這就是我們所做的決定。
    我理解成為父母的渴望。
    我完全理解。
    你在監獄裡決定做試管嬰兒的時候幾歲?
    我這樣說是因為你提到過16年前。
    你看起來大約30歲。
    是的。
    這就是問題所在。
    我在想,“那你幾歲呢?”
    很多人沒有意識到的是,這一年,我50歲。
    那你大約34、35歲?
    是的。
    我想我大約30歲。
    是的。
    我在三十多歲。
    在監獄的時候也是?
    三十多歲,好的。
    你們嘗試了八年?
    老實說,我們已經嘗試了很久。
    我25歲時結婚。
    我們很快就開始嘗試生孩子,
    因為我一直想當父親,真的。
    所以結婚後不久,
    我們認為孩子是我們的未來。
    我們會有孩子的。
    但事實並不如此。
    我們開始意識到的挑戰之一是
    我們生活中所承受的壓力,
    以及這種壓力對我們健康的影響,
    以及對我們不能有孩子的影響。
    這些與生育困難的掙扎是否給你們的關係帶來了壓力?
    絕對是。
    感覺就像,是我感受到的那個劇本,
    這是個劇本,就是你是一個男人,
    如果你不能有孩子,那你就不是一個男人。
    這就是那個劇本。
    我記得我在理髮店時的情況,是吧?
    當時我還有頭髮。
    我曾經去過理髮店。
    那就是觀念。
    你知道,會有那種人說,
    “我有八個孩子”,對吧?
    因此,我成為了房間裡最男人的男人。
    然後我離開時在想,
    “天啊,我甚至不能有孩子。
    這是什麼問題?”
    然後你開始想,
    “好吧,所有因素是什麼?”
    你開始進行檢測,
    然後開始,正如你所說的,你已經做過這些,
    你看到有很多問題。
    對於某些人來說,他們非常肥沃,
    懷孕的速度可快了,八次就好。
    但對於其他人,我就是那類人,
    這要花數年時間,你知道嗎?
    但我會這樣說,這與投入理論有關。
    我們在追求有孩子的過程中投入得越多,
    渴望就增加得越多,
    現在我們對於珍惜我們的男孩的程度完全是…
    我認為這種經歷使得我們的珍愛達到了另一個層次。
    我可以想象,這種生育問題真的會撕裂關係,
    尤其是當結果回來的時候。
    當精子分析的結果進來時,我非常害怕,
    他們給我發了含有密碼的電子郵件。
    我心想,“天啊,想想如果我現在打開這個文件,
    而它說我的精子不好。
    她會離開我。”
    這就是你所想到的。
    我敢肯定她可能也會有同樣的感覺。
    我想她可能想,如果她的結果不好,
    那也許我會離開或者怎麼樣。
    顯然我不會這樣,但我敢肯定這使很多家庭破裂,
    很多關係破裂,這些生育問題。
    是的,這就是為什麼我們花更多時間去確定是否感覺到擁有正確伴侶是如此重要。
    在我們決定投入和他們在一起之前,
    在我們決定和他們要孩子之前,
    這是一個重大的決定,
    在我們決定搬家或者搬進新家之前,
    我們的伴侶對我們來說往往是生死攸關的,
    伴侶的選擇。
    伴侶的選擇,我真心相信,
    是我們所需要做的最重要的決定,
    因為這些事情將決定我們所談論的所有方面。
    因此,對於伴侶是誰以及前期的對話給予更多的重視是非常重要的。
    你想想這一點。
    戈特曼夫婦談到,69%的關係問題將永遠無法解決。
    69%,永遠無法解決。
    這令人恐懼。
    這令人恐懼。
    這意味著什麼?
    這意味著你必須學會如何管理這些問題。
    這意味著你必須有一位擁有更強衝突管理技巧的伴侶,而你也需要具備。
    如果你的伴侶沒有那樣的能力,
    你將面臨巨大的痛苦。
    在決定與某人孕育孩子之前,確定這一點不是很好嗎?
    因為一旦你有了孩子,
    衝突的程度會飆升。
    我有一些統計數據顯示,在心理健康方面,
    發表在《自然》雜誌上的研究顯示,未婚者
    發展抑鬱症的風險比已婚者高出79%。
    也許應該結婚。
    但研究也顯示,強大的社交連結
    如浪漫關係可以顯著延長壽命。
    綜合分析43組數據的研究顯示,一個人的浪漫關係的質量是整體生活滿意度的重要預測指標。高滿意度的關係與幸福感和福祉的增加相關。統計數據層出不窮,甚至還有令人震驚的財務影響。這是一個稍微不同的問題,但我們剛才談到了自尊心。如果在你擔任媒合者的時候有個人非常渴望找到愛情,你會首先說:「我們需要提升自尊心。」可是如果一個男人來找你,假設是你的兒子——那麼,假設是Kingston?——那是你的長子嗎?——是的,他是我的長子。——Kingston會說:「爸爸,聽著,我現在應該做什麼來增加我找到並保持伴侶的幾率?我現在可以做些什麼來提升自己?我需要去健身房嗎?我需要讀本書嗎?我需要做些什麼?我需要出去賺錢嗎?」——這是一個很好的問題。——我想聽聽你在沒有人看著的時候會真誠地對Kingston說的話。你知道嗎,令人驚訝的是,我已經開始和Kingston談這個問題了。——好吧。——因為我們週末一起健身。我對他的進步感到震驚。他才14歲。我時常告訴他:「Kingston,King,與優秀的人為伍。就是這樣。把自己置於有著健康關係的人身邊,與那些對他們的關係感到滿意的人接近。這與商業沒有什麼不同。你想成功嗎?就要與正在商業上取得成功的人為伍。與這些人相處。你開始觀察他們的習慣,看到他們的技能,並採納他們的習慣與技能。你會了解界限應該在哪裡。什麼是健康的懷疑?什麼是不健康的懷疑?透過簡單地與好人為伍,你可以學到這些行為。這是關鍵。如你們所知,WOOP是我節目的贊助商之一。這也是我投資的一家公司,許多人經常詢問我。最大的一個問題就是為什麼我使用WOOP而不是其他可穿戴科技選擇。原因有很多,但我認為最被忽視且至關重要的特點就是它的非侵入性。當生活中的一切似乎都在與我爭奪注意力時,我轉向WOOP,因為它沒有螢幕。來自這個播客的CEO Will Armed告訴我,沒有螢幕的原因是,螢幕等於分心。因此,在會議或健身時,我的WOOP不會佔用我的注意力。它在背景中持續從我的身體中拉取數據和見解,隨時準備好我需要它們的時刻。如果你考慮加入WOOP,可以前往join.woop.com/ceo,免費試用WOOP 30天,無風險且無需承諾。網址是join.woop.com/ceo。讓我知道你的體驗如何。神話。是的。我們今天談論了很多神話。你的書中包含了21個不同的神話。我不會逐一介紹,因為我認為人們應該購買這本書並閱讀它們,並且我們沒有足夠的時間逐一討論。但我會挑出一些特別引起我注意的神話。好吧。你在書中提到的一個神話是更多的性行為等於更快樂的關係。這是真的嗎?增加性行為能提高關係的幸福感嗎?不,並不。現在,這裡是研究的結果。研究顯示,關係中滿意度高的伴侶他們的性行為次數也高。但這並不是因為性行為使他們感到高滿意,而是高滿意才使他們的性行為次數增加。所以挑戰在於,我們必須重新界定,必須停止認為光是因為我們的性行為次數很多,就意味著我們有著美好的關係。我經常看到這種情況,特別是在《初次見面就上心》中。一對伴侶坐下,第一句話是:「哦,Paul,我不需要任何幫助。我們的性行為頻繁。」首先,獅子比兔子有更多的性行為。其次,這並不意味著你們的關係很好。你們的性行為頻繁,對我來說並沒有任何意義。因此,這個神話認為如果你有大量性行為,就意味著你有健康的關係。但是不是可以在沒有性行為的關係中也能極其快樂呢?是的,很多人都是這樣。許多人都在這種狀態中。你認識這樣的人嗎?是的。有相當一部分人是這樣的,尤其是隨著年齡的增長。你會有80多歲的伴侶,他們現在已經達到了一種對性慾望的消退,可能一年一次。我知道在20、30、40甚至50歲的人會說:「天啊,一年一次。這太瘋狂了。」但如果你有一對伴侶,這裡有兩種不同的慾望。有一種叫做自發慾望,另一種叫做反應慾望。這裡有性別差異。大多數男性,即使你追溯到60、70年代,他們有的叫做自發性慾望,這意味著他們隨時隨地都可以準備好。24/7,他們根本不需要任何情感上的驅動來進行性行為。他們隨時想進行性生活。而隨著女性年齡的增長,她們通常需要反應性慾望。反應性慾望是什麼?她們需要一些情感上的聯繫、情感上的貨幣。她們想要有安全感。她們想要對話,而且不僅僅是一兩次,她們希望在情感貨幣上有一定的累積,以便能夠產生對性行為的反應性慾望,並進行性行為。因此,在談論性時有不同的慾望。
    我認為我們需要更多地討論「反應性慾望」這個話題,以及建立情感貨幣的重要性,如同凱倫·格納博士所說的,以增強與伴侶之間的聯結。情感貨幣幾乎就像是往銀行賬戶存款。如果性方面的賬戶是空的,而你只是對伴侶說:「我想要做愛。」換句話說,就是「我想提取存款。」但其實裡面什麼都沒有。你什麼都得不到。字面上,你就是得不到任何東西。
    然而,如果你進行存款……那是什麼呢?就是我想發一條簡訊告訴你我有多愛你。我很感激你照顧孩子的方式。我迫不及待想和你一起度過約會之夜,只為了看電影和喝酒。這些存款、擁抱、親吻,並不需要有性要求。我常常談到三十秒的擁抱,我曾經給你過一次三十秒的擁抱。為什麼你對這件事不感到高興?這是重要的,這是有意義的。達維娜也這麼做。她非常擅長擁抱。是的,她非常好。所以我談到三十秒的擁抱,還有六秒的親吻,許多人都會回應:「如果我給我丈夫一個三十秒的親吻,他會認為後面有性。」不,我們需要將這些事情正規化。這是在我們的伴侶身上進行情感存款。因此,一旦建立起來,你就可以去提取你的存款。對吧?
    所以,是的,性需要從反應性和自發性慾望的角度來看,我認為這一點越來越重要。談到慾望管理的時間,我有時會和我的朋友聊這個。我們的關係中是否應該花更多時間分開?如你所言,我們現在生活在一個越來越個人主義的社會,這意味著對伴侶的要求變得越來越高,要求他們成為一切。毫無疑問,他們的吸引力減少,因為如果他們是我們的顧問、心理治療師、會計師或最好的朋友,那麼從邏輯上來看,他們就不會那麼辣。
    是的,如果他們是所有的一切,我們就把自己置於一段風險極高的關係中,因為一旦他們不再是所有的一切,他們可能佔了所有的99%,但只要他們不是100%,我們就會失望。但同時,如果這個人是我生活中那麼多方面的情感支援,他們是我的朋友,是我公司的共同創辦人,我不禁想,香料會不會離開這個建築。香料可以,但我認為會出現其他更具挑戰性問題。我舉個例子,因為我曾經陷入這種情況,對吧?
    所以,我的婚姻到了某個程度,我的妻子對我來說是萬能的。她是我的共同創辦人。我們經營著一個配對機構,幾乎所有的時間都在一起。我們是共同的父母。如果我有商業問題、純友誼的問題、浪漫的問題,我都會去找她。到了後來,我注意到自己開始與社交圈脫節。我曾經擁有籃球季票,但我停止了這個活動。我停止了在週末觀看NFL比賽,因為只想與吉爾和孩子們共度時間。我很快意識到,我所發生的事情是,我將所有的投資都放在了我的妻子和家庭上。而問題是——這是很多人的情況——我在生活中沒有其他的自信。我將自己與幾乎所有人拉遠了距離。這樣的結果是,我在關係中沒有帶來任何價值,因為我沒有其他的關係。這最終的意思是,只有當你有其他關係,當你有其他的朋友圈時,你才能學習新事物,為你的關係帶來新鮮感,增加香料。我當時什麼也沒有做。這樣的情況持續了一段時間。這也是我為什麼參加足球的原因之一,因為現在參加英國的一支足球隊讓我有一個在家庭以外的出口,甚至超出我在這裡建立的社交圈,這是一個完全不同的領域。這是一群我在生活中未曾接觸過的人,我喜愛他們,從他們身上學到很多,並且感受到快樂。因為我在那裡感受到的快樂,我開始在生活中找到更多的目的,發現更多的喜悅。而我對整個生活越是感到快樂,就越能將這些感覺帶入我的關係中,幫助提升那段關係。
    所以,這就像是,想像一下——如果你是一個電池,對吧,你在充電,而你就是那個電池,能夠從八個來源獲取充電,這該有多棒?也許那一個今天不工作,因此你就無法充電。但是如果你能從八個不同的來源充電,那就能提高你充滿活力的可能性,去過你最佳的生活。我認為這就是依附風格再次發揮作用的地方,因為我在我的關係中,可能略微偏向於回避,而她也許略微偏向於焦慮,因此我心中有一種渴望,就是空間、自由、探索、驚奇。她當然也有,但我覺得我可能更強烈一些,所以有時就會令人感覺她在追求——是的,追求高品質的時間,而我可能則在追求獨處,這導致這種功能失調或不平衡。我想有些焦慮型的伴侶,不知道他們是否能相處,但——不,我的意思是,大部分時候,焦慮型的伴侶會找到回避型的伴侶。哦,好吧。
    好的,這裡是翻譯成繁體中文的文本:
    是的,這就是最後會匹配的兩個類型,對你們雙方來說,努力工作以達到獲得安全感是非常重要的。而最好的方法之一就是讓自己身邊有一些擁有安全感的伴侶。為什麼焦慮的關係依附風格會吸引避免型呢?你會想他們應該會互相吸引,對吧?我們可能應該暫停一下來定義這些依附風格的意思。當然,當然。
    根據瑪麗·安斯沃斯(Mary Ainsworth)和約翰·鮑爾比(John Bowlby)的研究,鮑爾比來自英國,安斯沃斯來自加拿大,這整個概念是——有一個叫做「陌生情境測試」的東西,旨在檢視我們與第一任看護者之間的關係。那些擁有安全依附的人,是他們的看護者始終在那裡支持他們。在需要的時候,你的看護者總是在你身邊。
    焦慮的依附風格,即大多數人口所經歷的,是看護者有時會在那裡,而其他時候卻不在。這在移民社區中很常見,特別是第二代移民,因為你的父母正在工作;他們在打拼,可能有多份工作,有時候會陪伴你,但並無法隨時陪伴你。然後就是避免型。避免型的情況是看護者不在那裡,所以你必須學會自我安撫。你會發現,許多成功的商業人士是避免型的。為什麼?因為他們學會了自力更生。焦慮型往往更像是感到需要他人支持,對吧?而安全型,我很好。你知道,我獨自一人也可以。
    那麼,為什麼焦慮型和避免型會最終匹配呢?因為焦慮型在追求中感到舒適,這就是我們的天性。我認為我正朝著安全感邁進,但我的自然傾向是讓我在追求中感到舒適。而避免型則在被追求時感到舒適。因為你有機會建立聯繫,但在你想要的時候又可以創造距離。因此,你會看到許多焦慮型和避免型的人走到一起,而認識到這一點是很重要的。
    所以你已經認識到這一點,這就是意識的半場戰役。現在,你可以開始發展工具來變得更有安全感。這是困難的。這就是工作。這很困難,是不是?我認為第一步顯然是意識,因為然後你可以開始稍微檢視自己,觀察自己在表現出某些行為時的狀態,並真正開始質疑它們。這就是我現在作為避免型的人所做的事情。當我的伴侶像在尋找關注並作出那些所謂的「求關注的努力」時,我觀察他們的行為。我觀察自己對此的感受,然後我在這兩個觀察之上的層面上以不同的方式進行理性分析。因此我會理性地認為,我非常愛這個人,如果他們現在需要一些關注,那就玩這個遊戲吧,史蒂夫,給他們想要的。
    而之前我會想,「他們為什麼要惹我惱怒?」你懂我的意思嗎?是的。但我每天都必須這樣做。正如我聽過的很多播客,聽過很多關於依附風格的內容,這仍然是一場持續的戰鬥。我認為這很重要,因為有時我們相信自己被固定或治療,因為我們擁有信息並在所有時候都會依據這些信息行動,但這些電路是如此深刻。確實如此,這是一個持續的過程。它永遠不會結束,正如你所說的,這就是工作。這項工作就是你需要投入的心理能量。我認為朱利烏斯·史密斯博士曾提到過,元認知就是你所做的,具體而言是對想法進行思考。而那是很累人的。做這些事情是令人筋疲力盡的,但這就是你為建立關係而付出的代價。這就是工作。
    是的,她是值得的。對。聽這個播客的人會知道,當我談論婚姻和其他事情時,並不是特別針對她。事實上,她是讓我想要結婚的人。她讓我在反對婚姻之前變得懷疑。現在,我想這其實並不重要。如果她想要,那我其實也不在乎。所以我說這一切,是即使我相信我和那個完美的人在一起。對。我是完美的不完美。對,我對她也是。對。我只是無法想像能找到比她更好的人。所以我說這一切,唯一的原因就是以防有人在想。其實我真的需要這樣。就不會說其他的。我並不是為了說而說。我的朋友們也知道這點。我所有的朋友都相信,我也相信她就是。再找不出比她更好的人了。
    是的。我還有幾個問題,這些問題是從閱讀你的書中出現的,順便提一下,這本書非常出色。謝謝。謝謝。我必須說這本書是由Flightbooks出版的,可能還需要對ASA公司做某種聲明。所以這就是我所提的標籤。其中一個讓我感到頗具挑釁的問題是:你應該對你的伴侶保守秘密嗎?這是個大問題。是的。這麼多人會說,“哦,不要這麼說。這太瘋狂了。你講的這些?”而且有不少研究針對一個叫做選擇性披露的概念。實際上,我認為其中一個最具挑釁性和吸引力的選擇性披露研究,檢視了許多夫妻。而一組夫妻則被告知要對伴侶完全透明。所以告訴他們所有事情。每一個問題、每一個在你腦中冒出的擔憂,都告訴他們。這是完全透明。
    而另一組則是選擇性披露。那麼,什麼是選擇性披露呢?選擇性披露是有規則的。一條是你分享相關的信息。你分享考慮到對方情感的信息,考慮到他們界限的信息。
    承認你們關係未來的資訊,時機恰到好處。而語氣也非常重要,傳遞的方式決定了一切。這就是選擇性披露。所以這組人被告知要這麼做。你覺得實驗結束時會發生什麼?在透明組中,每個人都互相傷害了嗎?不。我要說,天啊。不,不,不。他們沒有互相傷害,但選擇性披露的組別有更高的滿意度、較少的衝突,以及更多的關係自主權。所以,了解我所謂的秘密,就是我在說你必須選擇性地決定。我認為選擇性披露是一個我們應該花更多時間思考的概念。那麼,給我一個例子,告訴我有什麼話我不應該對我的伴侶說。好吧。所以再次說,這取決於你伴侶的邊界。你們已經討論過這些邊界。你知道所有這些事情。但一般來說,我給你一個例子。比如說,你的伴侶總是把牙膏蓋子放下來,永遠如此。這讓你感到煩擾,沒錯,這讓你感到煩擾。但是,你知道你的伴侶在工作上面臨很大的壓力。他們正在進行一個新項目。這時候提到蓋子讓你煩惱的事合適嗎?可能不合適,可能不合適。這裡有一個更有趣的情境。你的前任私信你,想要祝賀你,而且是友好的祝賀。你回覆:謝謝,就這樣,沒有更多。看你真有經驗。祝賀你的新播客。謝謝,謝謝,謝謝。Boom。你知道你的伴侶正在處理與嫉妒相關的創傷,那你會回家跟他說,某某人發了這條消息嗎?可能不會。選擇性披露意味著你在考慮信息的相關性、他們的邊界、他們的情緒等等。這確實是一個我相信會幫助增進滿意度、降低你們關係中衝突的概念。我認為這非常重要,因為大多數情況下的敘述都是「從來不喜歡你的伴侶」。有趣的是,你所說的所有事情在我之前的關係中都發生過。而我認為這是一個重要的事情。有趣的是,所有你說的事在我之前的關係中都曾經發生過,比如前任私信你,而我正坐在女友身邊。前任只是說,我會喜歡這個或類似的話。你差點驚慌,因為我不想撒謊,但同時,我停下這一刻說一些無關緊要的話又有什麼意義呢,這非常有趣,非常有趣。這是一個重要的見解。你在談論減少衝突。我在週末錄製一些有關關係的材料。隨著時間的推移,我真正相信的一件事是,長期關係的最佳預測指標是你如何解決衝突。是的。還有一個我非常喜歡的引用,我從來沒有忘記,它說,你可以通過每次爭吵是否癒合到99%或101%來預測一段關係的長期健康。你的衝突是否使你更加堅強?我喜歡這句話。然後我在這段關係中發現的最大特點是,基於我們作為人的性格,存在一個內建的自然衝突解決系統。好的。我這麼說是因為,她不想大喊大叫,不想尖叫,她想要聆聽。我也不想大喊大叫,不想尖叫,我想要聆聽,這意味著從衝突的第一刻起,我們就能夠解決問題並繼續前進。是的。而在之前的關係中,兩個人就是像破了的唱片般試圖向對方表達自己的觀點。是的。幾乎是在爭奪勝利。你知道,所以我喜歡這句話。我喜歡這句話。我發現,我們的能力,我是說,我現在對於使用管理這個詞是非常小心的,不是解決,因為根據Gottman的研究,69%的問題不會解決,但管理衝突。通常我們有兩種方式來管理衝突。一種是我們試圖贏得爭論,這條路一定會導致低水平的滿意度。另一條路則是試圖理解為什麼你的伴侶會這樣想。所以這只是簡單地說,我只是想理解,對吧?你應該道歉嗎?當然。你應該永遠道歉嗎?好吧,這裡是研究顯示的結果。我會這麼說。當我寫書的時候,我在寫一章關於道歉。我去找Jill,問她,你覺得我每個月對你道歉多少次?她說,嗯,你每兩個月才道歉一次。所以她說我每年對她道歉六次。我在想,這實在太糟糕了,因為數據顯示,最成功的伴侶,平均每週會有一次道歉。而我意識到我陷入的陷阱,我認為很多男人也會陷入,就是我們認為應該道歉的門檻。當關係中發生某些事情時,我需要為此道歉,就好像事情就是這樣。所以例如,垃圾在我家中總是一個大問題。對,我應該把垃圾拿出去。有時我會忘記,好的?我忘記了。我認為忘記拿垃圾不是道歉的理由。然而,我意識到這是我的門檻。但對我妻子來說,這就是世界大戰 III 與不拿垃圾之間的差別。所以她的門檻是不同的。
    我在調查這一章節的過程中學到的一部分是,我們必須與伴侶高度協調,了解他們的底線並在那裡與他們相會。幾週前,我在感情中發生了一件事,大約是五、六週前,那時我不想道歉,因為我並不感到抱歉。看,我是因為認為自己沒有做錯任何事。而且我實際上很快就會向伴侶道歉。我這週可能有道歉,還有上週也為某事道歉。但那是一個非常有趣的時刻。我們其實是在進行伴侶輔導或治療。我們自從開始交往以來就一直這樣做過,已經換過三個不同的治療師。我客觀地看待這個情況,得出的結論是,將來我不會做任何不同的事。因此,我得出的結論是,這樣的道歉將會顯得不真誠。就像我會為某事道歉,卻可能在我們的關係中設立了一個我未來無法達到的新標準。所以我解釋說,我不想道歉,因為在這種情況下,我不會發自內心地這樣做。我在想,這樣做是否有任何意義。像是,道歉是否真的需要真誠,還是僅僅為了維持和諧?你只有在真誠的時候才這樣做。但我們這樣做的方式是非常重要的。
    根據我找到的研究,只有50%的道歉實際上是有效的,對吧?什麼構成了一個有效的道歉?我創建了一個稱為ARC的系統。A. 承認。承認發生了什麼。例如,我很抱歉打斷了你。真心抱歉,對吧?我很抱歉打斷了你。第二是懊悔。我為你可能感到被低估或沒有被傾聽而道歉。這就是懊悔。然後C是承諾。以後我們在進行這些對話時,我會盡量多加注意,以免打斷你。對吧?這就是我所說的ARC方法。但重點是讓道歉有效,是要承認發生了什麼,對情感影響感到懊悔。這才是關鍵。這就是我想要達到的地方。然後C是你對未來的承諾。這使得道歉更為全面。
    所以在你的情況下,也許你所做的事在客觀上,你未來會這樣做。但你對她的感受感到懊悔。給你提供些背景。當時我基本上在做一些非常重要的事情。我在進行這項工作,之前告訴她,我將要處理這件事情。我需要專注於這件事情,這是非常非常重要的。她知道我正在做的這個項目的每一個細節。她知道截止日期,知道它的重要性非常深遠。而我從這個播客和與你交談中學到的一件事就是,不要指望人們能讀懂你的心思,要簡要告訴他們。如果你要有些奇怪,或者如果你會專注,提前告訴他們。
    所以我讓她坐下,告訴她,聽著,在這段時間內,我會有些奇怪。而且我請她降低對我的期望,我認為這是一個相當前瞻性的舉動。在短時間內,我們就發生了分歧,有了一次衝突,因為在我專注於這件事的過程中,當我第三次競爭注意力時,我似乎忽略了她,這引起了一系列問題,我最討厭你忽略我。而我說,聽著,我告訴過你,我坐下來,真的就在前一晚和早上和你談過,告訴你這一切。我必須專注於這件事。
    所以我認為我不想道歉的原因是因為我認為自己已經做了所有我應該做的事情。我讓那個人知道,告訴他們究竟發生了什麼,讓他們知道我身體裡的神經系統發生了什麼,讓他們知道我心中在想什麼。我們仍然最終到達了這樣一種情況,在那裡有對注意力的競爭,而我並沒有完全在場。但我真的說過,我可能不會非常存在於此時此刻。是的。
    因此,我在想,未來我可以做些什麼呢?在那種情況下我還能做些什麼?所以我想,也許我不應該在這裡道歉,因為我其實不知道我可以做出什麼承諾。那麼你就不道歉了嗎?你只是沒有道歉。所以我們在治療中。我們在進行像伴侶治療的東西。好吧,所以我在告訴治療師這些,看看他們的觀點是什麼,他們似乎站在我這邊。真的?我認為他們站在我這邊,然後我的伴侶最後道歉了,這是對的,因為我通常認為我應該道歉。
    哦,我的天啊。好吧,因此我可能會有不同的看法。好的,請說。第一點是你很清楚你的伴侶是焦慮的。是的。她知道自己是焦慮的。因此你意識到,由於她焦慮的結果,在她療癒和變得安全的過程中,她需要更高層次的安慰。但人們從來不會真正療癒。你永遠…我永遠不會療癒。好吧,你知道嗎?療癒是持續的。然而問題是,她可以達到一個安全的狀態嗎?絕對可以。這發生在很多人身上。所以她正在逐步演變成為安全的狀態。因此,在她演變為安全的過程中,你必須給她這樣的信任,她會在安慰方面需要多一些支持。這是第一點。
    第二個問題是,如果你真的讓她坐下來,向她解釋這些事情,還有可能是,她目前在感情賬戶裡的情感存款不夠。我覺得這是可以理解的。因此,由於沒有足夠的情感存款,她一直在尋求安慰。意識到這兩點很重要:她有焦慮型依戀,正在發展安全感,但同時也有焦慮。因此,她對需求的門檻更高或更低。並且你可能在早期沒有給予足夠的情感貨幣。對我來說,她會時不時檢查一下這是合理的。
    而且,考慮到你目不暇接、專注於工作,你承認了她的求助,而你也特別提到你選擇忽視了這個求助。第三個,哦,對,這是第三個。老實說,我實際上沒有完全明白。我抬頭微笑,但她離我有100米遠。好的。然後,我,好的,我要完全誠實,可以嗎?因為我沒有必要撒謊。這是好的,這是好的。我抬頭了,微笑,然後我站起來走過去,拿起我的耳機,然後回來。哦,不。哦,我真的很抱歉。我真的很抱歉。我說了什麼?我知道。我搞砸了。不,我知道。情況更糟。是的。比我想像的更糟。我以為只有兩個獨立的事件。我以為是微笑。然後我還以為如果我戴上耳機,我就可以專注。不是,不是的。你需要,立刻在這之後去道歉。是的。我以為它們是兩個獨立的事件。我以為,抬頭微笑,然後我需要去拿耳機,因為我需要專注於寫這件事。不是,不是的。當有求助傳來時,當有求助傳來,我們知道高曼經常談論這一點,當求助傳來時,確認這個求助是很重要的。但這是一個很好的機會來討論什麼是確認求助。你知道嗎,在那一刻,對於她來說,什麼才算足夠讓她感到安心。進行那個對話。也許她會說,就在你拿起耳機之前,一個擁抱或親吻在臉頰上會很好。我會覺得不錯,對吧?所以意識到被確認的意義是非常重要的。或者說,被肯定是非常重要的。因此在這種情況下,如果我是你,我會道歉。並調查什麼是肯定的重要性。因為每個人都需要以不同的方式被肯定。我會向她道歉,我向你保證。但不,我覺得這是好的,其實我今晚會見到她。那我會告訴她我現在對此有稍微不同的看法。我喜歡這個。我們再來一個神話。好的。好的。我們再來兩個。好吧。
    那麼這是一個我在朋友關係中常常遇到的普遍問題。你應該帶著生氣去上床嗎?這或許是最被認為的神話。我們總是聽說,只要道歉。這不僅僅是在浪漫關係中。我在上學的時候,經常注意到,如果有分歧或爭吵,老師會說,只要道歉。對吧。我打過美式足球。教練會說,只要,然後,就這麼做吧,和好如初。想想看。如果你表現出和諧的樣子,你就有了美好的關係。但我們知道這是錯誤的。事實上,關鍵在於,如果你能夠完全管理正在發生的事情,意識到、承認、針對衝突進行調整,那麼你的關係才能算得上是真正健康的和諧關係。因此,每當人們說,“哦,我們發生了分歧,臨睡前和好”,我認為這是你可能得到的最糟糕的建議。為什麼?因為你剛剛吵過架,你會完全不安,完全不安。那麼你會給出什麼樣的反應?你會給出最糟糕的質量反應。你會妥協發生的事情嗎?絕對不會。
    有一個深刻的研究,研究人員把兩組人分開。一組給她們看糟糕的影像,恐怖的影像,真的很糟糕,對吧?另一組看了同樣的影像。然而,第二組被允許睡八個小時。在八小時結束時,第一組無法入睡,第二組則看了這些糟糕的影像,他們能睡。在八小時結束時,他們跟踪了對影像的反應。你認為發生了什麼?沒有睡眠、沒有休息、沒有調節的那組報告對這些影像的困擾感受程度要高得多。而報告有睡眠的那組,他們得到抑制且能夠以不同的方式看待影像。他們看的是同一幅影像,但他們沒有那麼困擾。這裡的要點是,我們能做的最好的事,以便給自己調節是一段冷靜期,就像睡上一覺一樣。因此你應該帶著生氣去上床。當你醒來時,解決它。大腦在你的睡眠中做了美妙的事情,對吧?它確實有助於理清事情、理解事情、使事情更有邏輯,但同時它也顯然在調節激素並讓大腦以我想會使你在第二天早上做出更理性的決定的方式運作,而不是從杏仁核,而是來自大腦的邏輯中心。正確。休息是一種超能力,而我們卻沒有充分利用。最後一個神話。如果有人背叛你。這是關係的結束嗎?不,或者至少不一定是這樣。它不必是這樣的。
    我經常提到戈特曼夫婦,我想原因是,從1970年代開始,他們確實改變了伴侶治療,對吧?在1950年代到1970年代之間,伴侶治療主要是當關係面臨崩潰和即將結束的時候進行的介入。這是一種最後的努力,去找這些治療師。但戈特曼夫婦出現,說:“不,你們可以培養這些技能。你們可以建立這些工具,無論在關係的哪個階段,都能幫助你們。”
    他們還花了很多時間討論我所稱的存在性問題,比如出軌。他們的研究顯示,經過他們的過程後,70%的人可以獲得更高的滿意度。不過,關鍵在於真正能夠原諒你的伴侶。我經常說,無論是情感出軌還是身體出軌,首先要去尋求專業人士的幫助。特別是如果你跟伴侶建立了你認為深刻而特殊的關係,而對方也認為這段關係深刻而特殊,並且他們想要努力,你也意識到這有多麼特殊,那就去見專業人士,因為見專業人士真的可以讓你們回到正軌,擁有一段非凡的關係。
    我沒有想到會問你的問題,但根據我們在談論出軌,這問題我大概應該要問你。那數位出軌呢?OnlyFans。這算出軌嗎?色情算出軌嗎?簡而言之,這要看你問的是誰。我與大多數人談論時,他們都會認為如果你沒有向伴侶透露你在做這些,這算出軌。因此,如果你在OnlyFans或其他色情網站上進行活動,而沒有告訴你的伴侶,那就是出軌。這就是背叛,對吧?如果這是你已經透露並且與伴侶爭論過的事情,那顯然就不是,對吧?所以對某些人來說,他們可能會說這仍然算。如果我認為你沒有向伴侶透露,那就算。
    這裡有一些統計數據,大約80%的男性會自己觀看色情,約35%的女性報告自己曾單獨觀看過色情。因此,自己觀看而伴侶毫不知情的情況下,對於許多人來說,我相信很多人會認為這算出軌。經過四分之一的男性表示他們會隱瞞自己的色情消費,近三分之一的女性對伴侶的色情使用表示擔憂。
    是的。我認為這就是為什麼我們需要正常化這個重要性。這幾乎是回到正常化對其他人產生吸引力的事情。我們需要正常化這一點,因為對人的吸引力包括情感上的、身體上的和性方面的吸引力。我們必須理解這是人性的組成部分,這是我們擁有的東西。我們隱藏的原因之一是因為社會喜歡羞辱我們,告訴我們,“哦,不,一旦你找到了伴侶,你就永遠不應該對任何人有興趣。”這部分是我們所被賦予的劇本。我們談到了宗教對此的影響。我們必須正常化這些對話,因為當我們這樣做時,將會有更高的滿意度,因為我們意識到,“哦我的天,我的伴侶也這樣做。”你明白我的意思嗎?因此,對我們來說,正常化對伴侶以外的吸引力這一概念是極其重要的。
    在食物方面,我相信我的直覺,也信任Zoe,一個我投資的企業,今天的播客贊助商。我與多位營養師交談後,他們強調了在食物方面信息的誤導有多麼普遍。比如健康光環。你在包裝上看到的那些聲稱“低糖”和“沒有人工添加”的標籤往往是要避免的食物。你是否注意過新鮮水果上的健康聲明?你一定明白我的意思。可以理解,存在大量的不信任。那麼你應該向誰尋求準確的信息呢?我使用Zoe,它擁有全球最大的微生物組數據庫之一,並且是最科學先進的家庭腸道健康測試。Zoe隨時為你提供經過驗證的科學支持。作為Zoe會員,你將獲得一個家用測試套件和個性化的營養計劃,幫助你做出支持腸道的明智飲食選擇。要註冊,請訪問zoe.com並使用我的代碼Bartlett10獲得會員的10%折扣。那就是zoe.com,代碼Bartlett10。相信你的直覺,相信Zoe。
    我已經在這家公司Perfect Ted投資了超過一百萬英鎊,他們也是這個播客的贊助商。我已經開始使用Matcha作為我的主要能量來源,而Perfect Ted就是這方面的幫助。他們有抹茶粉、抹茶飲品和膠囊,這一切讓我在漫長的錄音日裡保持專注,無論發生什麼事。他們的團隊對質量非常在意,因此他們的儀式級抹茶來自日本。因此,當人們對我說他們不喜歡抹茶的味道時,我猜他們還沒有嘗試Perfect Ted。與低質量的抹茶(那種苦、草的味道)不同,Perfect Ted滑順而天然甜美。在不知不覺中,你可能已經是Perfect Ted的顧客了,如果你在像Blank Street或Joe in the Juice這樣的地方購買抹茶。不過,現在你可以在家自己製作。所以試試吧,我們看看你是不是仍然不喜歡抹茶。
    接下來我要給你們的事是,如果你今天嘗試,我將給你40%的折扣。請訪問perfected.com,並在結帳時使用代碼DIARY40。或者如果你在超市,你可以在Tesco、Holland & Barrett或荷蘭的Albert Heijn購買。
    在美國的朋友們,你們可以在亞馬遜上購買這本書。
    在一段關係中,表現出明顯的嫉妒真的有生產力嗎?
    就像在說:親愛的,你在發簡訊給誰?你什麼時候回家?
    這種你明顯表達嫉妒的嫉妒心。我會說這種程度的明顯嫉妒是危險的,因為它反映了你的不安全感。
    這也是我總是這樣說的原因,因為這涉及到你對這段關係的懷疑,你知道,懷疑有時是健康的。
    如果問題是關於關係的成長,那是健康的。
    如果是基於不安全感的恐懼,那就是不健康的。
    保羅,這是一本非常出色的書。
    它之所以出色,是因為它挑戰了我認為阻礙我們保持愛情以及在許多方面尋找愛情的一些最大的神話。
    所以我強烈建議現在收聽的每一位去查看描述中的鏈接。
    你可以預購這本書的副本。
    它大約會在二月六日的前一周出版。
    我相信它在2025年2月6日問世。
    這本書可能是你增加找對象機率所需的唯一一本書,能讓你在找到那個人之後,做出真正艱難的、甚至是更艱難的事情,就是能夠保持那個人。
    因為我和許多正在收聽的人一樣,曾經認為遊戲的目的就是找到他們。
    而現在我已經在一段關係中一段時間了,我意識到其實工作是在那之後才開始的。而這正是這本書破解這25個神話所幫助我們做到的,它以非常直觀的方式呈現。
    非常可行,真的非常直指社會許多胡說八道的核心,坦白地說。
    這本書由Flight Books出版,這我可能出於法律原因需要提及,因為這也是我們的出版社。
    但是,儘管如此,我讀了這本書,這就是為什麼我今天想和你談話的原因,因為這是一本非常重要的書。
    有許多大眾媒體、社交媒體所傳播的神話,我認為這些神話真的妨礙了我們中的大多數人。
    保羅,我們在這個播客上有一個結尾的傳統,就是上一位嘉賓會留下一個問題給下一位嘉賓,而不知會留給誰。
    你所要回答的問題是,當你10到13歲的時候,你有過什麼樣的經歷,讓你發現自己有能力在不需要父母參與的情況下完成事情?
    我知道,馬上,馬上。當你說10到13歲時,我馬上想到了我在紐約長島的一輛校車上,頭撞到了校車的玻璃上。
    我們家是第一批搬進這個全是意大利人社區的黑人家庭之一。
    有很多人可以歸入欺凌者的類別。
    特別有一個人一直在針對我。
    一次又一次,他會嘲弄我,會說一些話。
    他掌控著一切,他就像是校車上的欺凌者,而我在這輛校車上沒有朋友。
    他有時會真的用力地把我的頭撞到玻璃上,然後走出去。
    而巴士司機卻只看著,從不停下來,也不說什麼。我記得那件事。
    但是,你知道嗎?每天我都會再次上那輛巴士。
    而在他用力撞我的頭的許多次,都是因為我在他走出去時對他說了什麼。
    或者他在外面,我永遠不會忘記,他會從巴士上下來,而我仍然會對他豎中指,對吧?
    然後他會重新上巴士,隔天又會撞我的頭。
    我又會撞回去,我明白了自己有多堅韌。我是一個堅韌的人,堅韌的,對吧?
    你把我推倒,我會很快爬起來。也許不是立刻,但我一定會爬起來。
    這就是我學到的。那是沒有父母介入的情況下。那只是我自己。
    真瘋狂,你居然可以這麼快就記得這一切。
    我愛這個問題的提出,因為它專注於那一刻的教訓。
    有趣的是,我曾多次思考過那一刻,但在這個問題之前我從未想到過其中的教訓。
    所以從那個角度看是很有力量的。
    但有趣的是你選擇了一個鼓舞人心的教訓。
    你知道我的意思嗎?這就像是你當時做的選擇。
    我正在讀一本名為《勇氣去不被喜愛》的書。我不知道你是否讀過那本書。
    但是它基本上說的是,不論我們過去發生了什麼,並不會決定我們的未來。
    事實上,我們選擇如何將過去發生的事情用來服務於當前的目標。
    所以發生在你巴士上的事情,你選擇把它當作一個目標來促使你今天變得堅韌。
    你告訴自己,現在我是個堅韌的人,因為我能夠重新站起來。
    現在,其他人可能會選擇養成受害者心態。
    他們可能會說,我總是那個被欺負的。
    這是我的運氣。
    那將為他們今天維持和構建的形象服務。
    而你想要構建的形象是一個能夠再次站起來的人。
    力量在你內心深處。
    現在,這真是太精彩了。真的如此。
    保羅,謝謝你。大家,請去購買這本書。
    這本書很了不起,可能是這個主題上的權威之作。
    它參考了保羅作為媒人到許多科學,甚至是你現在所做的訪談的不同參考點。
    這是一本了不起的書。《保持愛情》,保羅·C·布蘭森著,21個持久關係的真相。
    謝謝你,兄弟。
    謝謝。謝謝。
    你知道嗎,80%的新年決心在二月份失敗?
    這是因為我們過於專注於最終目標,忘記了那些實際上能推動我們向前的小日常行動。
    那些易於執行的行動,生活中也容易不去做。
    節省一美元很容易,因此不去節省也同樣容易。
    每天進行一個小改善,一小步朝著正確的方向邁進,隨著時間的推移會產生巨大的差異。
    這就是1%的思維模式,這也是我們創建1%日記的原因,
    這是一個90天的日記,旨在幫助你保持一致,專注於小小的勝利,並隨著時間的推移取得真正的進步。
    它還讓你能夠進入1%社群,這是一個可以讓你保持責任感、激勵人心和受到啟發的空間,與許多在同一旅程上的人一起。
    我們在11月發布了1%日記,並且已經售罄,因此我們現在進行第二次發售。
    請前往thediary.com搶購你的日記,趕在它再次售罄之前。我會把鏈接放在下面。
    [音樂]

    From dating disaster to ‘I do’, Paul Brunson cracks the rules of love and reveals the do’s and don’ts for an unbreakable relationship 

    Paul Brunson is a world-renowned relationship expert, entrepreneur, and host of the number 1 dating and relationships advice show, ‘We Need To Talk’. He is the author of books such as, ‘Find Love: How to navigate modern love and discover the right partner for you’ and ‘Keep Love: 21 Truths for a Long-Lasting Relationship’. 

    In this conversation, Paul and Steven discuss topics such as, the top 3 signs of a successful relationship, the dangers of serial dating, why women are attracted to taller men, and the hidden benefits of doubting your relationship. 

    00:00 Intro

    02:25 Who Is Paul C Brunson?

    04:44 How Has Love Evolved Since You Started This?

    07:47 Why Are People Struggling to Find Love?

    11:46 The Danger of Comparison

    16:26 Racism Within Dating

    20:29 Are Arranged Marriages More Successful?

    24:26 Your Friends Usually Know If You’re With the Right Person

    27:05 We Have to Lower Our Expectations of Our Partners

    29:58 We Have Countless Options in Today’s Society

    33:54 The Difference Between Men & Women When the Other Gets Sick

    39:36 Satisfaction in Marriage Is the Most Important Thing

    43:06 Should We Be Talking About Our Relationships?

    46:06 We Will Be Attracted to Other People, and That’s OK

    51:46 Women Are Better at Maintaining Their Connections Than Men

    55:15 Should We Be Getting Married?

    58:45 Marriages Should Be Harder to Get Into

    01:09:19 What Predicts a Successful Marriage?

    01:10:21 What Qualities Should I Look for in a Partner?

    01:13:50 The Demand Doesn’t Reflect What’s in the Dating Market

    01:28:21 Are People With Symmetrical Features More Attractive?

    01:30:03 How Self-Esteem Plays a Huge Role in Partner Choices

    01:34:28 Advice for People With Low Self-Esteem Who Base Relationships on Superficial Traits

    01:36:57 Paul Brunson’s Experience With IVF

    01:41:35 Infertility Issues & Relationship Problems

    01:44:41 What Can a Man Do to Find and Keep a Partner?

    01:47:12 Relationship Myths

    01:52:22 Desire Management

    01:56:31 Anxious Attachment Style Going for Avoidant Partners

    02:06:43 The Importance of Conflict Resolution

    02:10:29 You Should Say Sorry More Often

    02:19:03 Should You Go to Bed Angry at Your Partner?

    02:22:29 Is Cheating the End of the Relationship?

    02:29:09 Discipline in Relationships

    02:31:12 When Did You Discover Your Own Power?

    The 1% Diary is back! and it won’t be around for long, so act fast! https://bit.ly/1-Diary-Megaphone-ad-reads

    Follow Paul: 

    Instagram – https://g2ul0.app.link/eurBFxKryQb 

    Twitter – https://g2ul0.app.link/tubp7wMryQb 

    We Need To Talk – https://g2ul0.app.link/lZTgjNOryQb 

    You can pre-order Paul’s book ‘Keep Love: 21 Truths for a Long-Lasting Relationship (The Fundamentals of Love, 2), here: https://g2ul0.app.link/l5JUBlTryQb 

    My new book! ‘The 33 Laws Of Business & Life’ is out now – https://g2ul0.app.link/DOACBook 

    You can purchase the The Diary Of A CEO Conversation Cards: Second Edition, here: https://g2ul0.app.link/f31dsUttKKb 

    Follow me:

    https://g2ul0.app.link/gnGqL4IsKKb

    Sponsors:

    WHOOP – JOIN.WHOOP.COM/CEO

    ZOE – http://joinzoe.com with code BARTLETT10 for 10% off

    PerfectTed – https://www.perfectted.com with code DIARY40 for 40% off

    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

  • Teaching AI to Build Stuff in the Physical World

    AI transcript
    0:00:02 (upbeat music)
    0:00:07 Pushkin.
    0:00:12 – I’m Dr. Laurie Santos, and to welcome the new year,
    0:00:13 my podcast, The Happiness Lab,
    0:00:16 is releasing a series of happiness how-to guides
    0:00:18 to help you in 2025.
    0:00:20 I’ll distill the wisdom of world-class experts
    0:00:22 into easy to digest actionable tips,
    0:00:24 struggling with tough emotions.
    0:00:25 We have a how-to guide.
    0:00:27 Worried that you’re not enough?
    0:00:28 We got you.
    0:00:30 Self-obsessed and want to get over yourself,
    0:00:32 there’s a guide for that too.
    0:00:35 The Happiness Lab’s how-to season starts January 1st.
    0:00:37 Listen on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcast,
    0:00:39 or wherever you get your podcast.
    0:00:48 – AI works amazingly well.
    0:00:52 It works terrifyingly well even for virtual things,
    0:00:56 for words, for pictures, for videos.
    0:01:00 This is true in large part because of the internet.
    0:01:03 The internet provides this wildly abundant,
    0:01:07 readily available source of words, pictures, and videos
    0:01:10 to train AI models.
    0:01:13 But there is no analogous wildly abundant,
    0:01:17 readily available data set for the physical world.
    0:01:22 There is no gargantuan internet-like repository of data
    0:01:25 that describes how things move and bend
    0:01:29 and break in real physical space.
    0:01:33 And as a result, we do not yet have robust AI
    0:01:35 for the physical world.
    0:01:37 But people are working on it.
    0:01:42 And if they succeed, they’ll change the way the world works.
    0:01:45 Not just the world as it appears on our screens,
    0:01:47 but the actual physical world.
    0:01:51 The world where if you drop something on your foot, it hurts.
    0:01:54 (upbeat music)
    0:01:57 – I’m Jacob Goldstein, and this is What’s Your Problem,
    0:01:59 the show where I talk to people who are trying
    0:02:02 to make technological progress.
    0:02:05 My guest today is Edward Mayer.
    0:02:08 He’s the co-founder and CEO of Machina Labs.
    0:02:10 Edward’s problem is this.
    0:02:15 How can you use AI to turn robots from dumb,
    0:02:20 inflexible machines into skilled, versatile craftsmen?
    0:02:22 Before he started Machina Labs,
    0:02:24 Edward worked in the rocket ship business,
    0:02:29 first at SpaceX, and then at a company called Relativity Space.
    0:02:31 And in the rocket business,
    0:02:35 Edward saw firsthand the problems of traditional manufacturing.
    0:02:37 It’s the kind of problem he’s now trying to solve
    0:02:39 with AI and robots.
    0:02:43 It’s a problem he calls the rigid factory problem.
    0:02:49 So I’ve heard you use this phrase that’s interesting to me,
    0:02:50 and it’s the real thing.
    0:02:54 And it’s interesting to me, and it’s the rigid factory problem.
    0:02:56 What’s the rigid factory problem?
    0:03:00 – The main problem with the factories today
    0:03:02 is that rigidity, meaning that if you have to build
    0:03:06 a physical product, you pretty much have to build a factory
    0:03:09 that’s designed for it and built for it.
    0:03:12 There’s a lot of components that goes into the factory,
    0:03:15 from machinery all the way to the tooling
    0:03:16 that is required to build products
    0:03:19 that are specifically designed for the geometry,
    0:03:22 for the material that you’re trying to use.
    0:03:24 The moment you want to change that,
    0:03:25 you have to change your factory,
    0:03:26 which is a huge investment.
    0:03:30 I always give an example from when I was at SpaceX.
    0:03:33 You think of SpaceX as a very innovative company,
    0:03:36 and it is on the edge of a hardware space
    0:03:38 in terms of innovation.
    0:03:43 In the past 24 years, 23, 24 years that they have existed,
    0:03:45 they have two rocket families.
    0:03:48 It’s a Starship and there’s Falcon, right?
    0:03:50 Because the moment you decide on diameter of,
    0:03:53 for example, Falcon 9 or the Falcon family in general,
    0:03:55 the diameter of that core, it’s very hard to change it.
    0:03:56 A lot of tooling and machinery
    0:03:59 specifically built for that diameter.
    0:04:02 And that’s why for Starship, they had to start from scratch.
    0:04:04 – Start from scratch, meaning like not just design,
    0:04:06 but like the factory itself.
    0:04:09 Like they actually had to build a whole new factory
    0:04:12 ’cause they wanted to make a different size rocket.
    0:04:14 – Yes, different size, different material.
    0:04:15 All the tooling has to change, right?
    0:04:19 Almost, yeah, you have to basically assume,
    0:04:21 building from scratch, ground up factory,
    0:04:22 what does it need to be there
    0:04:24 for us to build this new product?
    0:04:28 – I heard you describe, was this from your own experience,
    0:04:31 that sort of era at SpaceX
    0:04:36 when the fact that you couldn’t make the rocket wider
    0:04:39 led to all these kind of difficult things
    0:04:40 people were trying to do to be like,
    0:04:42 how can we do all these things
    0:04:44 under this fundamental constraint?
    0:04:46 Like can you talk a little bit about that?
    0:04:48 – Yeah, this is a lot of conversation happening
    0:04:52 in 2012, 2013, 2014 time
    0:04:57 when the diameter of the Falcon 9 could not get any larger.
    0:05:00 And if you look at actually different Falcon versions,
    0:05:02 the height of that vehicle kept going higher,
    0:05:04 but the diameter could not change.
    0:05:07 So it was about, what space can you find
    0:05:11 to put new features and new designs
    0:05:13 that exist within the vehicle?
    0:05:15 So there was a lot of stuff basically being crammed
    0:05:17 into the space that you have already got.
    0:05:19 – So that’s true for building rockets.
    0:05:21 I mean, what are some other,
    0:05:24 just different kinds of manufactured products
    0:05:26 where that kind of rigidity is a problem?
    0:05:29 – Yeah, I think it is just common,
    0:05:31 almost in all manufacturing.
    0:05:32 That’s why this phenomenon,
    0:05:35 I think it’s kind of funny, people take it for granted
    0:05:37 that a thing called economies of scale.
    0:05:42 Like people take it for granted as if it’s rule of nature.
    0:05:43 It’s actually not.
    0:05:46 – And just to be clear, it’s basically the more you build
    0:05:48 of a thing, the cheaper each one of those things gets.
    0:05:49 If you build one, it’s really expensive.
    0:05:52 If you build a million, each one’s a lot cheaper.
    0:05:53 – Yes, exactly.
    0:05:54 But then people don’t think about it.
    0:05:56 It’s like, oh, okay, intuitively makes sense.
    0:05:56 But why?
    0:05:58 It’s actually not that intuitive.
    0:06:01 It’s actually a limitation of technology, right?
    0:06:05 Why economies of scale is a thing
    0:06:08 is because you have to make a huge amount of investment
    0:06:09 to make the first thing.
    0:06:11 And the moment you make the second thing
    0:06:14 and the third thing, then you can break even your investment
    0:06:17 onto more products that you’re gonna come out of it.
    0:06:19 But that’s only true if the second product
    0:06:22 can be built for the first investment.
    0:06:24 You have to turn this concept and say, oh, this is a given.
    0:06:26 This is an axiom of the world,
    0:06:28 that the economies of scale is a thing.
    0:06:31 But in reality, it’s a technological challenge, right?
    0:06:34 It means that you build a car, you ask what application?
    0:06:36 You, once you build a factory for a car
    0:06:40 and all the toolings and dyes that goes into stamping
    0:06:42 of the panels of that car,
    0:06:46 that’s $150 million investment just for stamping.
    0:06:47 This is a number, for example, from Tesla.
    0:06:50 Tesla spends $150 million in a stamping plant
    0:06:54 they have in a factory in Texas, right?
    0:06:57 And that can only make Model Y or Model 3, right?
    0:06:59 The moment you have to change that,
    0:07:04 that means go through every 80 to 130 sheet metal panels
    0:07:08 that exist on that car and design a new tool for it.
    0:07:10 And each of those tools is gonna be a few hundred thousand
    0:07:12 dollars to sometimes a million dollars
    0:07:14 or a million and a half million dollars.
    0:07:17 And you’re talking about like 80 to 130 tools per vehicle.
    0:07:18 – And like all you’re doing,
    0:07:20 you’re not reinventing the car there.
    0:07:23 You’re just making a car that’s a slightly different shape.
    0:07:26 – Yes, maybe you may get sedan
    0:07:28 and you’re not trying to do a slightly longer version,
    0:07:30 a slightly bigger version.
    0:07:32 And that’s why economies of scale are the thing.
    0:07:34 You’re saying, okay, I made a factory.
    0:07:38 Now it only pays back if I make a million of this car, right?
    0:07:41 Because I had to just drop $150 million
    0:07:42 on just a stamping plant.
    0:07:44 So yeah, it’s all over manufacturing.
    0:07:47 We abstract this whole concept and gave it a name
    0:07:49 says economies of scale.
    0:07:53 – Yeah, so you left SpaceX and you went to
    0:07:55 Relativity Space, right?
    0:07:57 A company that was also in the space business
    0:07:59 that was using 3D printing, right?
    0:08:01 That was the idea of the company,
    0:08:04 which seems like an approach to this problem
    0:08:05 that you’re talking about, right?
    0:08:10 An advantage of 3D printing is that it is much more flexible
    0:08:12 and less rigid than traditional manufacturing, right?
    0:08:14 So tell me about that.
    0:08:18 – Yeah, so yeah, we saw this challenge at SpaceX
    0:08:20 and I joined Relativity very early on.
    0:08:22 Well, I was the fourth person on that team.
    0:08:26 And the goal over there was, okay,
    0:08:29 let’s just think about this fundamentally.
    0:08:32 Can we build a rocket that all built
    0:08:33 with flexible technology?
    0:08:37 And at the time, 3D printing was a forefront
    0:08:40 of everybody’s minds because people were already starting
    0:08:42 to build at NASA, at SpaceX.
    0:08:44 People were already starting to build engines
    0:08:46 out of 3D printing.
    0:08:47 And the concept was like, well, that’s great.
    0:08:48 It’s very flexible.
    0:08:51 3D printing has this promise of geometry agnostic,
    0:08:52 material agnostic.
    0:08:53 You can just feed it a design and you can build
    0:08:55 a product for it.
    0:08:57 And it worked very well with rocket engines.
    0:09:00 I think probably in the future, all rocket engines
    0:09:02 would be 3D printed.
    0:09:06 And the concept was, can we take this
    0:09:08 and scale it to the whole vehicle, right?
    0:09:10 Can we build the whole vehicle with a process
    0:09:14 like 3D printing so that it is flexible?
    0:09:16 Today, if you want to build a rocket
    0:09:18 with 12 foot diameter, we can do it.
    0:09:20 And then if our calculation changes
    0:09:21 and we wanted to go to another orbit
    0:09:23 or do a different type of emission,
    0:09:25 then we can change that 12 foot diameter
    0:09:27 to 20 diameter, 20 feet diameter.
    0:09:28 – Don’t have to build a new factory.
    0:09:30 Don’t have to build new machinery,
    0:09:32 just use the same 3D printer, yeah.
    0:09:34 – Exactly.
    0:09:37 So that was the concept behind relativity.
    0:09:39 That’s the thesis behind relativity.
    0:09:39 And that was the goal there.
    0:09:42 The goal was 3D print the whole rocket
    0:09:44 so that you can be flexible.
    0:09:48 – But it hasn’t worked at least in the kind of maximalist
    0:09:49 version, right?
    0:09:50 Like they just haven’t been able to do it.
    0:09:53 They’ve sort of backed off of that big dream,
    0:09:54 as I understand it.
    0:09:55 – Yeah, yeah.
    0:10:00 So I think the challenge was that 3D printing
    0:10:02 is just one process.
    0:10:07 And it’s necessarily not good for every type of part.
    0:10:09 Manufacturing is very versatile.
    0:10:11 You do different types of geometries,
    0:10:12 different types of material.
    0:10:14 And 3D printing has a very small reach.
    0:10:17 There’s certain type of parts, like rocket engines,
    0:10:18 very good fit.
    0:10:22 You’re building a tank, maybe not so, right?
    0:10:24 So yeah, it’s good for certain type of parts,
    0:10:25 but there’s a whole lot of other parts.
    0:10:28 Like I said, you’re building a fuel tank,
    0:10:30 which is a basically large sheet metal
    0:10:33 or thin walled structure.
    0:10:35 Then maybe 3D printing is not as good of a fit
    0:10:36 because it takes a long time.
    0:10:38 And also because it’s thin,
    0:10:40 you have a lot of physical challenges
    0:10:43 in terms of controlling the geometry and the tolerances.
    0:10:48 So we realize soon that maybe other processes
    0:10:51 are also need to be automated
    0:10:53 the same way 3D printing is.
    0:10:56 You need to have more flexible processes
    0:10:57 that are not just one process,
    0:10:59 more flexible platforms that can do different types
    0:11:02 of processes, not just 3D printing,
    0:11:07 to be able to cover a whole variety of products
    0:11:09 in a flexible manner, the same way the 3D printing,
    0:11:12 that’s for certain type of products.
    0:11:14 And that was actually the thinking behind Machina Labs
    0:11:17 is that, okay, can we step back and say,
    0:11:18 what do we need to build?
    0:11:20 What is this flexible platform
    0:11:23 that can do 3D printing if needed,
    0:11:25 or can do sheet forming if it’s needed,
    0:11:27 it can do machining if it’s needed,
    0:11:29 but chooses the right operation,
    0:11:31 right flexible operation for the right part,
    0:11:34 but still very agile and doesn’t require a lot of tooling
    0:11:35 and it’s not inflexible.
    0:11:39 – So it’s sort of zooming out more.
    0:11:42 It’s saying 3D printing is not gonna do everything.
    0:11:44 The way manufacturing works now,
    0:11:47 it’s just too rigid, too hard to change things,
    0:11:50 too reliant on scale to make the economics work out.
    0:11:55 So like that’s a very big, very abstract thought.
    0:11:59 To start a company, you gotta make something,
    0:12:02 or you gotta make something that makes something.
    0:12:04 Like what do you actually do?
    0:12:07 – Yeah, so it was interesting, right?
    0:12:11 You know, actually the solution was in our past, right?
    0:12:13 If you look at–
    0:12:14 – It’s like the lesson in a movie.
    0:12:16 It’s like the Wizard of Oz or something.
    0:12:19 – Exactly, if you look at manufacturing,
    0:12:21 I mean up to Industrial Revolution,
    0:12:23 it was arts and crafts, right?
    0:12:26 It was basically humans trying to figure out
    0:12:27 how to conquer nature, right?
    0:12:30 Like how am I gonna use my hands and my brains
    0:12:35 and very few primitive tools to deform a product
    0:12:39 or shape a product from raw material, right?
    0:12:43 And to this date, if you are in a very high mix manufacturing,
    0:12:45 still a lot of that creativity exists.
    0:12:49 There is a person at SpaceX, his name is Big John.
    0:12:51 I don’t think he’s there anymore.
    0:12:53 But there was this guy who’s like, you know,
    0:12:57 very skilled maker at Craftsman.
    0:12:59 He could figure out how to use simpler tools
    0:13:01 to build different things in a creative way.
    0:13:03 Maybe it’s not a repeatable way like, you know,
    0:13:07 a stamping works or injection molding works,
    0:13:08 but you can be flexible.
    0:13:09 You can do different types of things.
    0:13:11 You can be creative about it and do different types of things.
    0:13:13 So the inspiration came from
    0:13:16 how actually humans used to do manufacturing.
    0:13:19 But realize in order to be flexible,
    0:13:21 you actually need two components.
    0:13:25 You need intelligence and you need set of simple tools
    0:13:27 with a lot of kinematic freedom.
    0:13:29 Now you can pick up those simple tools.
    0:13:30 And as long as you have the intelligence
    0:13:32 on how to use tools and what sequence
    0:13:34 and what kind of a process parameters,
    0:13:35 how to use those tools,
    0:13:38 you can actually do a whole variety of projects.
    0:13:40 – And so when you say kinematic freedom,
    0:13:42 you basically mean like robot arms
    0:13:44 that can move in lots of different ways.
    0:13:46 Is that practically what kinematic freedom
    0:13:47 means in this context?
    0:13:50 – Yes, basically can apply these tools
    0:13:52 with a lot of freedom to the material, right?
    0:13:55 The same way humans do it, right?
    0:13:57 As a human, you know, if you think about it,
    0:14:00 you can pick up a welder and weld something,
    0:14:02 and then you drop the welder and you pick up a drill
    0:14:04 and you put a hole in it and you drop the drill
    0:14:09 and you pick up a hammer and maybe hammer it into shape.
    0:14:11 So you actually have a few set of tools,
    0:14:14 but you have a lot of good kinematic freedom
    0:14:16 and most importantly, very creative mind
    0:14:19 to tell you how to apply these tools to the material
    0:14:22 so they can actually get very complex set of products
    0:14:24 and a lot of diversity.
    0:14:27 – So plainly, instead of big John, you want a robot, right?
    0:14:29 That’s where the, that’s the kinematic freedom.
    0:14:32 The tools are kind of like old tools,
    0:14:34 but optimized for the robot.
    0:14:36 And then when you say intelligence,
    0:14:38 that’s the one where it’s like feels more frontier-ish.
    0:14:42 Like, does that mean like clever engineers figuring out
    0:14:43 how to automate the robots?
    0:14:44 Does it mean AI?
    0:14:45 Does it mean both?
    0:14:48 – Yeah, so I think, yeah, you’re basically getting
    0:14:51 to the crux of how do you scale it, right?
    0:14:53 You have to have those three components
    0:14:56 and how does the intelligent piece,
    0:14:57 which is the most important piece,
    0:15:00 comes into play in an automated fashion.
    0:15:03 So early days, we started from basic intelligence of humans,
    0:15:07 but then we had a plan to capture data and train AI
    0:15:10 so that you can replace the thinking and the creativity
    0:15:12 that human had to put in.
    0:15:14 – What’s the first thing you decide to try and build?
    0:15:17 What’s the first sort of problem you want to solve?
    0:15:17 – Yeah, I think so.
    0:15:19 I left for relativity in 2018.
    0:15:22 And the idea when I left for relativity was there, right?
    0:15:24 I was like, okay, we need to build basically
    0:15:27 what I had in my mind, call it robot craftsman.
    0:15:29 Robo craftsman, we call it at that time.
    0:15:31 How can you build a robot system to your point?
    0:15:33 Can pick up different tools, has the same kinematic,
    0:15:35 but also have to have the intelligence.
    0:15:38 The challenge is, you said,
    0:15:39 in order to train these robots with AI,
    0:15:42 you need to have a lot of data.
    0:15:44 And this is not the data you can find on internet.
    0:15:48 – Right, this is the AI robotics problem, it seems, right?
    0:15:50 Like, unlike with large language models,
    0:15:52 like that’s why we have large language models
    0:15:54 and not AI robots, right?
    0:15:56 Because we have the data
    0:15:58 just sort of randomly sitting around on the internet
    0:16:01 and we don’t have that physical world data for robots, right?
    0:16:02 – Exactly.
    0:16:06 – So basically the problem narrowed down into, okay,
    0:16:08 how can I generate enough data?
    0:16:09 How can I create a business
    0:16:12 that has a sustaining way of generating data
    0:16:13 so I can actually build these models?
    0:16:17 I can build this intelligence for these robots.
    0:16:19 And the thinking was, okay,
    0:16:23 I need to create a solution that can scale in the industry
    0:16:28 with limited amount of data and some heuristic.
    0:16:30 But then because it’s a scaling,
    0:16:32 we can generate a lot of data
    0:16:33 and it starts building the AI model.
    0:16:34 – Right.
    0:16:37 You need a first thing that you can actually do
    0:16:39 before you really have AI
    0:16:42 to generate the data that will get you to AI.
    0:16:44 – Exactly, exactly.
    0:16:46 So we’re thinking about, okay,
    0:16:49 it needs to be a large enough market, right?
    0:16:51 Where we can get mass adoption
    0:16:54 and we need to solve a problem that’s big enough.
    0:16:56 It’s 10 times at least better than the current solution.
    0:16:58 So it can actually get adoption, right?
    0:17:01 – Meaning you can’t just do something as well.
    0:17:03 You have to do it 10 times better.
    0:17:05 – Yeah, because I think what we realized
    0:17:07 is that through the last two companies,
    0:17:09 if something is not 10 times better,
    0:17:12 it cannot overcome the inertia
    0:17:14 that exists in an industry for adoption.
    0:17:16 Because if you’re doing something for the same way,
    0:17:17 and you’re manufacturing,
    0:17:19 people have been doing things the old way
    0:17:21 for a hundred of years, right?
    0:17:22 – And it’s a risk, right?
    0:17:24 If they’re gonna try working with you,
    0:17:26 they’re immediately taking a risk.
    0:17:27 And if it’s only gonna be a little better,
    0:17:29 why should I take that risk?
    0:17:31 – Exactly.
    0:17:32 So the idea was, okay,
    0:17:34 we need to find a large enough market
    0:17:35 for our first application,
    0:17:36 and we need to have a solution
    0:17:38 that at least 10 times better.
    0:17:39 So that landed us.
    0:17:40 We actually looked at a lot of things,
    0:17:42 from 3D printing to forging to a lot of things.
    0:17:44 And then landed on sheet metal.
    0:17:47 So sheet metal is the largest metal processing sector
    0:17:48 out of all.
    0:17:50 It’s a $280 billion industry today.
    0:17:54 And forming complex sheet metal shapes
    0:17:55 is very tool intensive.
    0:17:58 So what we started to do was,
    0:18:01 okay, can we make a robot craftsman’s first operation
    0:18:03 to be forming sheet metal?
    0:18:05 Basically, forming sheet metal the same way
    0:18:07 a sheet shape or hammer is a sheet into shape.
    0:18:09 – And when I think about sheet metal,
    0:18:11 I mean, what do, I don’t know anything about sheet metal.
    0:18:13 I think of like, I think of cars,
    0:18:15 I think of planes, right?
    0:18:17 I think of like, you know, Detroit, like stamping.
    0:18:19 Is that, am I thinking about the right thing?
    0:18:22 Am I missing huge, a huge sheet metal universe?
    0:18:23 Like, what’s the sheet metal universe?
    0:18:26 – Yeah, so sheet metal almost is everywhere.
    0:18:28 I think is the most common metal part
    0:18:32 that you see on day to day, right?
    0:18:33 Because most of the time we use metal
    0:18:36 to be a container for other things.
    0:18:38 So it’s usually a thin metal structure
    0:18:41 that’s formed in complex shape to hold something else.
    0:18:44 Now, you know, it can be from case of a computer,
    0:18:48 you know, to a car, right?
    0:18:49 You know, you’re sitting in a freeway,
    0:18:50 you’re in a sea of sheet metal,
    0:18:54 or to a airplane, you’re in a sheet metal can,
    0:18:57 to a rocket body, for a lot of rockets,
    0:19:00 some of them were composites with a lot of them are sheet metal.
    0:19:05 And to agricultural heavy equipment machinery,
    0:19:09 think of combines, tractors, to even building equipment.
    0:19:14 So you look at your HVAC ducts are all sheet metal, right?
    0:19:16 Because it just makes sense.
    0:19:19 We mostly use metal parts to container other things.
    0:19:21 And we give it complex shapes,
    0:19:23 and that’s where sheet forming comes into play.
    0:19:25 So you pretty much see it everywhere.
    0:19:28 But the challenge is that in almost in all cases,
    0:19:29 you have to create tooling,
    0:19:30 it goes back to that first problem.
    0:19:33 You have to create tooling for each of those geometries.
    0:19:37 And that’s why, you know, a Ford needs to make sure
    0:19:40 they can sell a million of an F-150
    0:19:41 before they can invest in a plant
    0:19:44 that makes a new version of F-150, right?
    0:19:48 – ‘Cause you basically have to build a bespoke factory
    0:19:52 just to shape sheet metal in a new way.
    0:19:55 – Exactly, for a new geometry, for a new design, exactly.
    0:19:57 – Where is that a particular problem?
    0:20:00 Like, where is it, where does that acutely bind
    0:20:03 the fact that sheet metal is so hard to do
    0:20:05 if you’re not working at scale, so expensive?
    0:20:07 – Yeah, so I think now you’re coming to the,
    0:20:11 even the third stage of how do you scale this technology?
    0:20:13 You need to first find, you know,
    0:20:14 we said we need to be 10x better.
    0:20:15 We need to go in an area. – Who’s your first customer?
    0:20:18 – Yeah, you go in an area that has a lot of pain
    0:20:19 with today’s technology. – Yeah, who’s like,
    0:20:21 “Oh my God, thank God you walked through the door.
    0:20:23 “We’ve been waiting for you.”
    0:20:27 – Yeah, so end up being very much defense in aerospace, right?
    0:20:31 So think of, you know, think of our military, for example,
    0:20:36 right, today they have 50, 60 different weapon system
    0:20:38 or defense systems.
    0:20:40 You can basically think of like aircrafts
    0:20:42 that they’re maintaining.
    0:20:44 And some of these systems have been built
    0:20:47 from 60, 70, 80 years ago.
    0:20:49 Like think of B-50 to C-130.
    0:20:52 – Like World War II planes still flying?
    0:20:54 – It’s still flying, yes, exactly.
    0:20:57 And they have like, you know, 30 of one,
    0:20:59 50 of another, 100 of another one,
    0:21:01 and these things get break down, right?
    0:21:04 And unlike a Ford factory,
    0:21:06 there is no factory for 70 different products
    0:21:07 that they’re carrying. – Right.
    0:21:11 – And presumably the factory they built in 1941
    0:21:12 to build this plane doesn’t exist anymore.
    0:21:13 Doesn’t exist.
    0:21:16 And even the vendor might completely have disappeared, right?
    0:21:18 That made that misuse component.
    0:21:20 So they’re constantly battling with this challenge
    0:21:23 of an aircraft goes down, how can it fix it?
    0:21:24 How can it find the part?
    0:21:25 And there are thousands of parts
    0:21:26 in each of these aircrafts, right?
    0:21:28 So any of them can go down.
    0:21:29 And that’s a huge challenge.
    0:21:31 I mean, if you look at, you know,
    0:21:34 government of a government accountability office,
    0:21:37 put this report out, I think it was a couple of years ago
    0:21:41 or a year ago about how ready each weapon system is
    0:21:43 to defend the United States.
    0:21:46 Out of the 48, 49 weapon systems they look into,
    0:21:50 only one, only one in the past 11 years,
    0:21:53 every year was ready, right?
    0:21:55 I think only top four had like,
    0:21:58 at least half of the years ready, right?
    0:22:00 So that means in most years,
    0:22:02 these weapons are not ready to fight.
    0:22:03 – Like they’re waiting for parts.
    0:22:05 – They’re waiting for parts, something is broken,
    0:22:07 something is damaged.
    0:22:08 And just to go deeper,
    0:22:11 some of these components take four years to be replaced.
    0:22:12 So if a plane gets damaged,
    0:22:14 it needs to sit on the ground for four years
    0:22:16 before it can be replaced.
    0:22:17 And the cost of replacement
    0:22:19 is building another factory, basically.
    0:22:21 So some of these parts, and think of it,
    0:22:24 a landing gear door that goes on a plane,
    0:22:26 it will cost them $800,000, for example,
    0:22:27 because they have to go make a role.
    0:22:29 – Because it’s bespoke, essentially.
    0:22:30 – It’s very spoke, yeah.
    0:22:31 – It’s like buying a bespoke suit or something.
    0:22:33 It’s just like, it’s gonna cost a lot, yeah.
    0:22:35 – Yeah, so the idea started there,
    0:22:37 I think that was one of our first customers.
    0:22:40 Can we make defense manufacturing more agile,
    0:22:42 directly affects our national readiness
    0:22:46 for military conflict, and it’s a huge problem.
    0:22:47 But then, even in a broader sense,
    0:22:50 any defense product or aerospace product,
    0:22:53 usually has very low volume, but high mix of products.
    0:22:55 Even you’re building a missile,
    0:22:57 you make a few thousand a year,
    0:23:00 and you might make five, six, seven different versions of it.
    0:23:01 It’s very unlike cars,
    0:23:05 where you make a million of the same car over and over again.
    0:23:08 So that ended up being our first application,
    0:23:11 which we got a lot of traction with.
    0:23:13 But even outside of that,
    0:23:16 you look at companies like Caterpillar,
    0:23:17 like John Deere’s of the world,
    0:23:19 these folks also are in the same boat.
    0:23:22 They make 200 combines, right?
    0:23:23 But they need to support them in the field.
    0:23:26 And these folks have exactly the same problem, right?
    0:23:30 Do I need to run a large factory
    0:23:32 to support all these models at all time?
    0:23:34 And that will be very expensive
    0:23:36 to support like 100 vehicles out there.
    0:23:40 (upbeat music)
    0:23:41 Still to come on the show,
    0:23:44 we’ll talk about the future of AI and robotics
    0:23:46 at Machina Labs and beyond.
    0:23:52 – Hey, it’s Jacob.
    0:23:54 I’m here with Rachel Botsman.
    0:23:57 Rachel lectures on trust at Oxford University,
    0:24:01 and she is the author of a new Pushkin audiobook
    0:24:04 called “How to Trust and Be Trusted.”
    0:24:05 Hi, Rachel.
    0:24:06 – Hi, Jacob.
    0:24:09 – Rachel Botsman, tell me three things
    0:24:11 I need to know about trust.
    0:24:16 – Number one, do not mistake confidence for competence.
    0:24:17 Big trust mistakes.
    0:24:19 So when people are making trust decisions,
    0:24:23 they often look for confidence versus competence.
    0:24:27 Number two, transparency doesn’t equal more trust.
    0:24:29 Big myth and misconception.
    0:24:32 And a real problem actually in the tech world,
    0:24:34 the reason why is because trust
    0:24:38 is a confident relationship with the unknown.
    0:24:39 So what are you doing?
    0:24:41 If you make things more transparent,
    0:24:44 you’re reducing the need for trust.
    0:24:49 And number three, become a stellar expectation setter.
    0:24:54 Inconsistency with expectations really damages trust.
    0:24:55 – I love it.
    0:24:57 Say the name of the book again
    0:24:59 and why everybody should listen to it.
    0:25:02 – So it’s called “How to Trust and Be Trusted.”
    0:25:04 Intentionally, it’s a two-way title
    0:25:08 because we have to give trust and we have to earn trust.
    0:25:11 And the reason why I wrote it is because we often hear
    0:25:13 about how trust is in a state of crisis
    0:25:15 or how it’s in a state of decline.
    0:25:17 But there’s lots of things that you can do
    0:25:20 to improve trust in your own lives,
    0:25:22 to improve trust in your teams,
    0:25:24 trusting yourself to take more risks,
    0:25:27 or even making smarter trust decisions.
    0:25:29 – Rachel Botsman, the new audio book
    0:25:32 is called “How to Trust and Be Trusted.”
    0:25:33 Great to talk with you.
    0:25:34 – It’s so good to talk with you
    0:25:36 and I really hope listeners listen to it
    0:25:38 because it can change people’s lives.
    0:25:44 – And so you got the right market.
    0:25:47 Now you gotta make a thing,
    0:25:49 you gotta figure out how to actually do the thing,
    0:25:52 how to make your idea come true.
    0:25:53 Like, how does that work?
    0:25:56 – So the idea originally was,
    0:25:58 can we get rid of a die, right?
    0:26:02 And do it the same way a sheet shaper forms a sheet of metal.
    0:26:04 And what does a sheet shaper do?
    0:26:06 A sheet shaper starts from a flat sheet of metal
    0:26:09 and it slowly hammers it into shape.
    0:26:12 So what we wanted to do was have a robot do that, right?
    0:26:14 Have a robotic system basically do that
    0:26:16 incremental defamation into shape.
    0:26:18 We call it robot pouring.
    0:26:19 – So you’re sort of bending it, right?
    0:26:20 I mean, you’re hammering it,
    0:26:22 sort of like if you take a, whatever,
    0:26:24 cut open an aluminum can and kind of bend it into shape.
    0:26:27 Like that’s a version of what’s happening here, right?
    0:26:30 – Obviously in a much more complicated way, yeah.
    0:26:31 – Exactly, you’re right.
    0:26:35 I mean, the same way a potter forms a clay bowl,
    0:26:36 that’s basically what our robots do.
    0:26:38 They start from a flat sheet of metal
    0:26:40 and it’s slowly deforming in the shape,
    0:26:42 the same way a potter would form a clay bowl
    0:26:45 or a sheet shaper hammers a sheet into shape.
    0:26:46 – So I’ve seen it, right?
    0:26:48 So there’ll be a sheet of metal like hanging,
    0:26:51 hanging up in whatever above the ground.
    0:26:54 And then you have a robot arm on either side, right?
    0:26:55 Like one on one side, one on the other.
    0:26:58 And then what happens?
    0:26:59 – Basically, the robots come together
    0:27:01 from both sides of the sheet.
    0:27:04 And they pinch the sheet in a certain way
    0:27:07 so that that location that they’re pinching
    0:27:10 it slightly stretches in the forms, right?
    0:27:13 And you, if you start applying this pinching
    0:27:16 all over the sheet and incrementally,
    0:27:20 you slowly start to form it into a shape, right?
    0:27:22 So instead of traditionally we’d use a die
    0:27:24 and with sheer pressure of the press,
    0:27:26 pushing the sheet against the die to give it a shape.
    0:27:28 Now the robots are like a craftsman,
    0:27:29 like a tradesperson,
    0:27:32 coming in to slowly deform the sheet
    0:27:34 into shape by just applying pressure.
    0:27:35 So one robot is pushing it,
    0:27:37 the other robot is supporting it.
    0:27:39 And by applying a pinch,
    0:27:41 you slightly stretch the material
    0:27:43 and you form it into a shape.
    0:27:45 – So, I mean, the way you describe it,
    0:27:50 it makes sense and it sounds easy.
    0:27:51 I’m sure it wasn’t easy.
    0:27:56 Like were there things that just didn’t work for a while?
    0:27:58 – So it’s, you should have been here
    0:28:01 when the first time we actually tried to form a part.
    0:28:04 The part looked like it was like a ghost
    0:28:06 of the geometry that they wanted to make.
    0:28:09 And actually in the end it tore, right?
    0:28:12 So think about it, you have this very flimsy sheet
    0:28:14 and applying pressure to it.
    0:28:17 And if you just apply pressure slightly wrong, right?
    0:28:20 It can potentially tear it.
    0:28:22 It can form it into a different shape.
    0:28:23 And also the whole sheet is moving.
    0:28:26 The whole time you’re trying to form it,
    0:28:28 the whole sheet is moving because it’s very flimsy.
    0:28:30 It’s not a rigid structure, right?
    0:28:34 So the main challenge was how do you get this accurate?
    0:28:35 And how do you get this process accurate?
    0:28:37 How do you get accuracy?
    0:28:40 And the idea was, what does the robot need to do?
    0:28:43 Given all of these chaotic nature of the process,
    0:28:45 where the sheet moves and if you apply too much pressure
    0:28:48 it will deform in a bad way or it might tear.
    0:28:52 If you apply too not enough pressure, it might just not form.
    0:28:55 So how do you come up with the right set of robot movements
    0:28:58 and process parameters to form the part?
    0:29:00 And that was the problem we wanted to solve with AI, right?
    0:29:04 Well, we didn’t have the data right in the beginning, right?
    0:29:08 The idea was that if I form enough parts with this process
    0:29:11 and I can capture all the data throughout the process,
    0:29:12 where did the robot go?
    0:29:13 How much pressure did it apply?
    0:29:16 And what was the resulting geometry?
    0:29:18 Then I can start building a model that says,
    0:29:20 that correlates the inputs to the outputs.
    0:29:21 And then I can explore this model and say,
    0:29:25 “Okay, in order to get to the right output, I need these inputs.”
    0:29:26 But we didn’t have them in the beginning.
    0:29:28 So the idea was two things.
    0:29:32 One was, maybe we can simulate the data, right?
    0:29:35 And very early on we started doing some simulation,
    0:29:37 physics-based simulation and we soon realized
    0:29:39 in order to get an accurate result,
    0:29:42 the simulations are going to be very computationally intensive.
    0:29:46 A simulation of a part that took only 15 minutes to form
    0:29:51 took us one week on 27 core machine, right?
    0:29:52 So we’re like, okay, simulation,
    0:29:55 not only is not accurate, it takes forever.
    0:29:58 So we realized, okay, so that’s not the right route.
    0:29:59 The right route was like, okay,
    0:30:03 we can also form a lot of parts and gather the data.
    0:30:05 But in order to do that, we go back to that same problem.
    0:30:06 We need to have a scale.
    0:30:08 We need to have a lot of these machines
    0:30:09 forming these parts and get that data.
    0:30:12 – I mean, one of the big AI insights of the last,
    0:30:15 whatever decade is like, you need a ton of data,
    0:30:17 which is easy if it’s words,
    0:30:19 but hard if it’s metal, right?
    0:30:20 – Yes.
    0:30:24 So what we ended up doing was created a hybrid model.
    0:30:28 We said, okay, what if we keep the humans in the loop?
    0:30:30 So the human can give an instruction
    0:30:32 initially based on heuristics.
    0:30:35 And then we look at the data and human can adjust
    0:30:37 and then iterate on that.
    0:30:40 But while we are capturing all these data
    0:30:42 and over time, as we’re capturing the data,
    0:30:44 we start building the models
    0:30:47 that will help the human do less trials, right?
    0:30:50 It’s basically guided reinforcement learning, right?
    0:30:52 You know, humans are actually guiding it where to go,
    0:30:53 but it’s exploring those areas.
    0:30:54 But after a while,
    0:30:57 once we started forming thousands of parts,
    0:30:59 then you can start feeding this data into a model.
    0:31:02 Then the model will be like, okay, human,
    0:31:04 you don’t need to do 25 different trials.
    0:31:06 Now you can do with five trials,
    0:31:07 you’re gonna get to the right place,
    0:31:09 which is actually the number we are at right now.
    0:31:11 – And that’s happening in the physical world,
    0:31:12 largely those iterations,
    0:31:14 like you’re trying on a piece of metal
    0:31:15 and it’s bad and it tears
    0:31:16 and you do another piece of metal
    0:31:19 and it’s a little less bad and eventually you get it.
    0:31:20 – Exactly, exactly.
    0:31:22 And that initially would take 25 parts.
    0:31:26 Like, you know, before we find a recipe for that design,
    0:31:28 but 25 parts still was better than traditional alternative.
    0:31:31 – When you say 25 parts, you mean 25 tries,
    0:31:34 25 pieces of metal before you make the part the right way.
    0:31:35 – Exactly.
    0:31:37 And that was like, you know,
    0:31:39 they would sit down basically 25 days in a row.
    0:31:41 So in a month, they could actually define a recipe
    0:31:43 where traditionally making a mold
    0:31:45 would take at least three, four months, right?
    0:31:46 So we were still better.
    0:31:49 But then now, over time, when we generated the data
    0:31:53 and now the model can tell the engineer,
    0:31:55 okay, maybe you want to choose these parameters.
    0:31:58 Is now becoming an advisor, we’re down to five trials.
    0:32:01 So in five trials, we can actually get to the right part.
    0:32:02 And then hopefully in the future,
    0:32:04 we get to a point where, you know,
    0:32:06 the machine will tell the robot’s what to do
    0:32:09 and the human can be completely out of loop.
    0:32:10 But the idea was like,
    0:32:12 how do you kind of create that hybrid model that’s efficient
    0:32:14 so that we can generate the data
    0:32:18 until the model is good enough to do the job itself?
    0:32:21 – And you find that the data is sort of generalizable.
    0:32:24 I mean, clearly, like making one kind of part
    0:32:26 makes the model, the AI,
    0:32:28 smarter about making another kind of part.
    0:32:30 – Yes, yeah, it is.
    0:32:31 It’s kind of interesting.
    0:32:33 I think people don’t think about it.
    0:32:35 I used to do sheet shaping by hand, right?
    0:32:37 That was one of the hobbies I had.
    0:32:39 I was working with this shop in Pomona
    0:32:41 and we were actually hammer sheets into shape.
    0:32:42 And we used to say, you know,
    0:32:45 if you spent five years doing it, you’re really good.
    0:32:46 You got really good at it.
    0:32:48 I was just to think, you know, okay,
    0:32:50 after five years of doing this,
    0:32:52 yes, you have this intuitive understanding of you.
    0:32:52 Look at the sheet and be like,
    0:32:54 okay, this place needs to be hammered more.
    0:32:55 This place needs to be hammered.
    0:32:58 Like it was, it was, it was, it was intuitive.
    0:32:59 It was like, you couldn’t explain why you’re thinking
    0:33:00 this did to happen.
    0:33:02 There was no physical explanation.
    0:33:03 None of these people who were sheet shaping
    0:33:06 got PhDs in material science.
    0:33:08 They just learned over time seeing the pattern
    0:33:09 of how the sheet forms.
    0:33:10 – That’s craftsmanship.
    0:33:12 – That’s craftsmanship, right?
    0:33:14 But really reminded me of, okay,
    0:33:16 these people can know how to do it,
    0:33:18 but without really being able to explain it,
    0:33:19 they have to do it for five years.
    0:33:22 – So that kind of tacit knowledge, yeah.
    0:33:26 – And reminded me of the same challenge we had,
    0:33:28 an early machine learning challenge where they were like,
    0:33:31 okay, a human can look at two pictures and say,
    0:33:33 okay, this is a cat and this is a dog.
    0:33:35 Something happens in their brain that knows,
    0:33:36 which is a cat, but they cannot really define
    0:33:39 why they’re calling this a cat and this one a dog.
    0:33:40 So that was where it started to click for me.
    0:33:42 If I can capture enough data,
    0:33:46 five years worth of data, right, of a human,
    0:33:49 then I should be able to get to a very good sheet shaper,
    0:33:52 right, and you know, it’s funny, back at the end,
    0:33:54 but we’ll say, okay, humans are, you know,
    0:33:57 receiving X amount of megabytes a second.
    0:33:59 Okay, five years worth of data is that much.
    0:34:02 So roughly, I think once we get to certain amount of data,
    0:34:06 I think we have enough data to be able to basically replace,
    0:34:08 like not replace the mentality
    0:34:11 or the model that the sheet shaper has in their mind.
    0:34:16 – So how many years of kind of human level craftsman
    0:34:19 sheet shaping data does the model have at this point?
    0:34:22 – Yeah, no, so I think last time I checked one year ago,
    0:34:24 I checked around, we were like three fourths of the way there
    0:34:27 in terms of the data that we have for just sheet shaping,
    0:34:29 right, so once we get to, I think full, I think,
    0:34:31 at least at that point we have no excuse,
    0:34:32 we have enough data, the model should be good,
    0:34:36 we just need to figure out why it’s not maybe four fourths.
    0:34:40 – It is interesting to analogize it
    0:34:42 to like human craftsmanship, right,
    0:34:44 and I mean, even if you want to zoom out even more
    0:34:48 the like 50 year history of AI where first everybody was like,
    0:34:50 oh, you just got to teach the machine all the rules
    0:34:53 for to use your example, like what’s a cat and what’s a dog,
    0:34:55 but then you realize it’s actually wildly hard
    0:34:56 to make a list of rules
    0:35:00 that can reliably distinguish a cat from a dog,
    0:35:04 and the weird thing that has happened in AI is like,
    0:35:07 oh, you don’t actually have to make a list,
    0:35:09 you just need like image net,
    0:35:12 you just need like a giant database of images
    0:35:15 and a giant neural network,
    0:35:18 and you just throw it at it and say, figure it out,
    0:35:21 and it figures it out, and you’re sort of doing that,
    0:35:23 but for shaping metal.
    0:35:25 – For shaping metal, and then the only challenge
    0:35:28 was like cats and dogs pictures were on internet,
    0:35:30 and sheet metal forming data wasn’t,
    0:35:33 and so that was an additional problem we had to solve
    0:35:35 as you pointed out, which is a big problem in physical AI.
    0:35:40 – So I want to talk a little bit more about AI and robotics.
    0:35:44 Jensen Wong’s been talking about it.
    0:35:47 As I’m sure you know, NVIDIA’s VC arm
    0:35:49 is an investor in your company.
    0:35:51 Other people are working on what you’re working on.
    0:35:55 I mean, I’m curious, what is the sort of AI and robotics
    0:35:57 path look like to you for the next few years,
    0:35:59 and what do you understand about it now
    0:36:02 that you didn’t understand whatever five years ago?
    0:36:04 Like what have you really come to realize
    0:36:06 by working on it all the time?
    0:36:09 – I think the biggest problem for physical AI
    0:36:13 is data generation for now to train models.
    0:36:15 So we need to either, there’s two things need to happen.
    0:36:17 Either new types of models needs to be created,
    0:36:21 new architectures, new algorithms, basically,
    0:36:23 which I’m sure it’s going to happen.
    0:36:25 – That can learn more with less data, basically.
    0:36:30 – And same way humans kind of learn more with less data, right?
    0:36:35 But at the same time, I think we only exposed our models
    0:36:40 categorically to 10% of type of data that humans receive.
    0:36:43 You think about human interactions.
    0:36:45 You and I are now talking.
    0:36:47 If it was AI, AI is probably only listening
    0:36:50 to the words we’re saying, right?
    0:36:51 But that’s only 10% of communication.
    0:36:53 I can see your lips moving.
    0:36:55 I can see your eyebrows moving.
    0:36:57 I can see like maybe you’re folding your arms and okay,
    0:36:59 I know that like, okay, maybe there’s all these,
    0:37:01 90% of the signals are not captured.
    0:37:04 That’s used for learning.
    0:37:08 You look at, if you ask chat GPT or Dolly
    0:37:12 or any of the even, even, you know, Grock say,
    0:37:17 okay, draw me a clock that shows 5.30.
    0:37:18 It cannot show you, draw you a clock.
    0:37:20 It will draw you a clock, but it doesn’t show 5.30.
    0:37:23 Actually, most of the time it shows 10.10.
    0:37:25 – 10.10, ’cause that’s where watch hands,
    0:37:27 like analog watch hands look good, right?
    0:37:28 It’s a nice little V.
    0:37:30 – Yeah, because those are all the images
    0:37:32 that’s seen on internet because they’re watching.
    0:37:33 – It’s almost always 10.10.
    0:37:35 It’s the classic watch photo.
    0:37:36 – It’s like 5.30 is also 10.10.
    0:37:38 ‘Cause I don’t know– – It’s always 10.10, right?
    0:37:41 – It’s a little bit to a generative AI.
    0:37:42 It’s always 10.10 somewhere.
    0:37:45 – So, I think, but that humans, you know,
    0:37:47 receive this data of movement when you grow up,
    0:37:49 you look at the clock on the wall as a kid,
    0:37:51 you’re like, okay, now I intuitively get it.
    0:37:52 And I think I know what’s going on.
    0:37:53 So I can actually make it work.
    0:37:56 So, even though we trained it on a lot of data,
    0:37:58 I don’t think we trained it on the right categorically,
    0:38:00 right data yet, right?
    0:38:03 To get all the intuitive understanding
    0:38:04 that we have today.
    0:38:06 So I think we have a data problem
    0:38:08 and that exists in physical AI.
    0:38:10 So I think the applications will win.
    0:38:11 There’s a lot of people are working in this.
    0:38:13 I think the applications will win
    0:38:16 who can either synthetically generate that data
    0:38:19 or they can actually scale in the physical world
    0:38:21 in a way where they can actually generate the data
    0:38:25 for themselves, but the scaling needs to happen
    0:38:26 with less data.
    0:38:28 And I think that was, that’s why I’m like,
    0:38:30 for example, like very bullish on manufacturing.
    0:38:33 So I think the data is gonna be the biggest challenge.
    0:38:35 And I think, you know, in order for us
    0:38:37 to massively change this space,
    0:38:39 we need to be able to get to the data.
    0:38:42 I don’t think algorithms is a bottleneck there yet.
    0:38:43 It’s just the data for us.
    0:38:48 – And is it just a matter of people doing what you’re doing
    0:38:52 and like finding little wedge places to start
    0:38:54 and having people sort of hold the hand of the model
    0:38:55 and training up the models?
    0:39:00 I mean, that seems slow on a certain level.
    0:39:02 Like not, you know, obviously it’s working for you,
    0:39:05 but like, is there some kind of breakthrough move
    0:39:06 that people can make?
    0:39:09 Can you put sensors somewhere in the world to, you know,
    0:39:12 train AI without having to, you know,
    0:39:14 have a human stand next to it
    0:39:17 as it messes up one piece of sheet metal after another?
    0:39:21 – Yeah, I think there is another path
    0:39:23 which is simulation path.
    0:39:26 Make physics-based simulations faster
    0:39:29 and kind of learn, let the robots just go play
    0:39:31 in a digital playground as opposed to deploying
    0:39:32 in real world.
    0:39:34 And that becomes a computation problem.
    0:39:35 And then, you know, as long as you have enough computation,
    0:39:37 you can train the robots.
    0:39:39 But I think, you know, I think, you know,
    0:39:41 the good examples that we have had success so far
    0:39:43 is like autonomous cars, right?
    0:39:45 Did the same thing we were doing, but in the car,
    0:39:48 like, okay, Tesla, you know,
    0:39:50 deploy the fleet of robots that are capturing data,
    0:39:52 still be driven by humans,
    0:39:55 but the data can be used later on to kind of automate it.
    0:39:56 – I mean, that’s an interesting case
    0:40:00 because it has been much harder clearly
    0:40:03 than many people thought, maybe most people thought, right?
    0:40:05 Like, I know that’s a particular instance
    0:40:08 where you’re really worried about edge cases.
    0:40:12 I don’t know, is autonomous cars like a good model or not?
    0:40:13 It seems complicated.
    0:40:15 – I think the model of capturing data is there,
    0:40:19 but then the task at hand is very hard, right?
    0:40:21 So, I think that’s the challenge, right?
    0:40:23 So, where it says, like with us,
    0:40:25 it’s still a much more structured environment.
    0:40:27 And I think that was a thinking where I think,
    0:40:30 I think the hardest problem right now in physical AI
    0:40:32 is finding the business model
    0:40:34 of how do you scale data capture
    0:40:36 without requiring billions of dollars in investment.
    0:40:38 – So, what are you making today?
    0:40:39 I imagine you know.
    0:40:43 – So, last time I checked in the facility one,
    0:40:46 four of the cells are working on a defense application.
    0:40:48 – Is it secret?
    0:40:50 Can you tell me what it is?
    0:40:51 – It’s a missile.
    0:40:55 And two of them were working on an aerospace application.
    0:40:58 This is components of an aircraft or a drone.
    0:41:01 And one of them, this is an interesting one,
    0:41:03 was working on an architectural component,
    0:41:07 which is a roof tile for a specific building
    0:41:09 that’s used by the Department of,
    0:41:11 by Bureau of Water Recognition.
    0:41:12 – Oh, I was gonna say, what is it,
    0:41:17 something like Frank Gehry nightmare weirdo metal part?
    0:41:19 – Well, those we have had those in the past too,
    0:41:22 but this one is actually very practical.
    0:41:24 It’s this building, it’s actually very interesting.
    0:41:26 Exactly, these buildings, these large industrial buildings
    0:41:30 that built, they built in the ’60s or ’50s.
    0:41:31 And they use these type of roof tiles
    0:41:34 that the manufacturer doesn’t exist anymore.
    0:41:36 And anybody else who they went to,
    0:41:39 quoted them hundreds of thousand dollars to make those tiles.
    0:41:41 And we were like, oh, no, we can make it for you.
    0:41:43 And, but also that shows kind of the diversity.
    0:41:44 I mean, like I say, in the morning,
    0:41:47 we have like aerospace parts in the afternoon,
    0:41:52 roof tiles for a industrial complex for, you know, for a dam.
    0:41:54 – Now you’re in the sheet metal business.
    0:41:57 I know your large dream is much larger than that, right?
    0:42:02 But like, what, like, tell me where you are now.
    0:42:05 Tell me where you are now.
    0:42:05 Like what are you doing?
    0:42:06 What are you selling?
    0:42:09 And then kind of what’s the next big step?
    0:42:12 – So some of our systems are now operating out in the wild
    0:42:15 and working for the customers.
    0:42:18 And, but I think the next phase of growth for us
    0:42:21 is getting into each of these applications
    0:42:22 and own more of the process.
    0:42:25 So we can teach the robot craftsman the future processes,
    0:42:28 not just sheet forming, but also maybe how to assemble it,
    0:42:31 how to weld it, how to surface finish it, right?
    0:42:35 So what we are doing now in the next phase is actually,
    0:42:39 instead of selling parts or components or systems,
    0:42:40 we’re actually saying, okay,
    0:42:44 can we get this robot craftsman
    0:42:46 to actually build a US sub-assembly or a full product,
    0:42:49 not just a component of it, but a full product.
    0:42:51 So that’s something we’re describing with folks.
    0:42:53 Can we have the robot craftsman
    0:42:54 build the full drone for you?
    0:42:59 Can we have the robot craftsman build you a full missile,
    0:43:02 as opposed to just build missile, you know, missile scans?
    0:43:05 – Is there, that seems like a leap.
    0:43:07 Is there not an intermediate step?
    0:43:08 – Yes.
    0:43:09 – Yeah.
    0:43:10 – So, I mean, how we are doing it
    0:43:13 is we’re gradually stepping into it, right?
    0:43:15 The same way sheet metal was our first application.
    0:43:18 So we’re putting a facility that maybe makes drones,
    0:43:22 but the main component that we automate today
    0:43:24 is sheet forming, which is the bottleneck.
    0:43:27 And then we do the welding in a traditional way
    0:43:30 on the same robots, but we actually instruct them to do it.
    0:43:31 – All right.
    0:43:33 – So that way, the robot is kind of back
    0:43:36 where it was on sheet metal five years ago,
    0:43:38 but it’s learning how to weld now.
    0:43:39 – Exactly.
    0:43:42 I used to work in a shop that we will do custom cars,
    0:43:44 build custom cars with hand.
    0:43:47 And so it was also near and near to my heart.
    0:43:50 So what we realized is that with our technology
    0:43:54 for the first time, we can actually enable
    0:43:56 a product that didn’t exist in automotive,
    0:44:00 meaning that instead of buying a car that’s mass produced
    0:44:02 and every single one of them looked the same,
    0:44:06 you can now let the customer design a custom car for them.
    0:44:07 You know, right now, if you go buy a car,
    0:44:11 you have options of what the seat color would be,
    0:44:13 or maybe the color of the car would be
    0:44:15 and what some trim options,
    0:44:17 but you can’t really choose the design of your car.
    0:44:19 You can’t say, oh, I want a different hood,
    0:44:21 and I want a different fender
    0:44:23 because going to back same problem,
    0:44:25 you don’t have to make tooling and mold
    0:44:28 for the fender of a certain designs
    0:44:29 and you cannot easily change it.
    0:44:30 So with our technology, you can.
    0:44:34 So what we started doing was like, okay,
    0:44:37 applying this freedom that this technology provides
    0:44:40 to now automotive is ability of the customers
    0:44:41 to be able to go to a website,
    0:44:45 design a fully customized car for themselves.
    0:44:47 It can be either from already designed panels
    0:44:52 from car designer or adding a specific customizations
    0:44:53 they want to do, for example,
    0:44:55 logo of their company to their door of the car
    0:44:56 or the hood of the car
    0:44:59 and actually get a completely unique car, right?
    0:45:01 Manufactured for them.
    0:45:03 And we’re actually working with this
    0:45:04 with some of our automotive partners,
    0:45:07 automotive OEMs as well, right?
    0:45:09 We actually showed some of this work
    0:45:11 in the biggest aftermarket show in the United States
    0:45:14 called SEMA with our partner Toyota.
    0:45:17 So I think this is gonna be, in my opinion,
    0:45:20 one of the new product categories in automotive.
    0:45:22 We have had autonomous cars,
    0:45:24 we have had, you know, electric cars.
    0:45:26 And I think now for the first time
    0:45:27 with technologies like ours,
    0:45:29 you can have custom to order cars,
    0:45:31 like all cars that are like, you know,
    0:45:33 the same way you choose what T-shirt you wear
    0:45:35 and your T-shirt is different than mine,
    0:45:37 we also don’t have to drive the same, you know,
    0:45:39 Model S or, you know, Model 3.
    0:45:41 We can actually have our own customized
    0:45:43 Model 3s and Model Ss.
    0:45:45 – So what’s the, I mean, is that the,
    0:45:48 if you think sort of long-term for Machina,
    0:45:49 is like that what you think about?
    0:45:53 Like, give me the five-year vision.
    0:45:54 – Yeah.
    0:45:55 – Or 10-year or whatever.
    0:45:58 – Yeah, so I think the long-term motivation
    0:46:00 behind our company is,
    0:46:02 can it create this democratization
    0:46:05 of ideas for people who wanna build anything, right?
    0:46:06 Can I express myself?
    0:46:09 If I’m a builder, can I go build something
    0:46:11 without having to build a factory for it?
    0:46:13 So that’s really the long-term goal.
    0:46:17 So I imagine in the next five to 10 years,
    0:46:20 you can, as a designer, somebody who has an idea,
    0:46:25 you can go to a website, get guided through your ideas
    0:46:28 on how to make and design a physical product,
    0:46:31 hit a button and say, okay, I want 20 of these
    0:46:35 and I want them in Chatsworth, California
    0:46:38 and the right facility programs the right number of robots
    0:46:39 to actually do those operations
    0:46:41 without any hardware or investment
    0:46:44 that needs to be made for those specific parts
    0:46:46 and ship it to you two days later in the right location.
    0:46:49 That is the future we’re building towards.
    0:46:53 Cars is just one of the products that could be built.
    0:46:56 But I imagine that this technology or technology like these,
    0:46:58 technologies like these can be used to do
    0:46:59 the myriad of designs.
    0:47:03 I think the moment you open up this possibility
    0:47:05 of any designs could be a reality.
    0:47:07 I think so many things will be created
    0:47:09 that we’re not even thinking of right now.
    0:47:12 You know, the fact that we have cars today
    0:47:13 and they’re all looked the same
    0:47:15 is limitation of technology.
    0:47:18 But the moment you can open up this creativity
    0:47:20 of turning ideas into physical reality
    0:47:24 without an initial investment or a huge barrier to entry,
    0:47:26 then I think we’re gonna have all kinds of drones,
    0:47:28 all kinds of satellites, all kinds of rockets,
    0:47:31 all kinds of cars, then you’re gonna be just like,
    0:47:34 you know, Cambrian explosion of different designs
    0:47:35 that’s gonna come into our world.
    0:47:37 And I think that’s what future is about.
    0:47:38 The future is about, you know,
    0:47:39 I call like future is custom.
    0:47:41 Like future is about being able to make
    0:47:43 these all these ideas in reality.
    0:47:45 We had this explosion happening in digital world.
    0:47:46 – Yeah.
    0:47:48 – You know, now we have even models generating images
    0:47:52 and videos and there’s this, you know,
    0:47:55 explosion of different ideas and content being created
    0:47:58 using the technology, but the link is broken
    0:47:59 to the physical world.
    0:48:01 And the physical work is still pretty uniform
    0:48:03 ’cause it’s very hard to make things in physical work.
    0:48:05 Can we bridge that gap?
    0:48:08 Can we connect the digital world of creation
    0:48:09 to physical world of creation
    0:48:12 and create the same variety in the physical world
    0:48:14 as we have in the digital world?
    0:48:16 I think that’s the goal in our company.
    0:48:19 (upbeat music)
    0:48:22 We’ll be back in a minute with the lightning round.
    0:48:24 (upbeat music)
    0:48:28 – Hey, it’s Jacob.
    0:48:30 I’m here with Rachel Botsman.
    0:48:34 Rachel lectures on trust at Oxford University.
    0:48:37 And she is the author of a new Pushkin audio book
    0:48:40 called How to Trust and Be Trusted.
    0:48:41 Hi, Rachel.
    0:48:42 – Hi, Jacob.
    0:48:46 – Rachel Botsman, tell me three things
    0:48:47 I need to know about trust.
    0:48:52 – Number one, do not mistake confidence for competence.
    0:48:53 Big trust mistakes.
    0:48:55 So when people are making trust decisions,
    0:48:59 they often look for confidence versus competence.
    0:49:04 Number two, transparency doesn’t equal more trust.
    0:49:05 Big myth and misconception.
    0:49:08 And a real problem actually in the tech world.
    0:49:11 The reason why is because trust
    0:49:14 is a confident relationship with the unknown.
    0:49:17 So what are you doing if you make things more transparent?
    0:49:20 You’re reducing the need for trust.
    0:49:25 And number three, become a stellar expectation setter.
    0:49:30 Inconsistency with expectations really damages trust.
    0:49:31 – I love it.
    0:49:33 Say the name of the book again
    0:49:35 and why everybody should listen to it.
    0:49:38 So it’s called How to Trust and Be Trusted.
    0:49:40 Intentionally, it’s a two-way title
    0:49:44 because we have to give trust and we have to earn trust.
    0:49:47 And the reason why I wrote it is because we often hear
    0:49:49 about how trust is in a state of crisis
    0:49:51 or how it’s in a state of decline.
    0:49:54 But there’s lots of things that you can do
    0:49:56 to improve trust in your own lives,
    0:49:58 to improve trust in your teams,
    0:50:01 trusting yourself to take more risks
    0:50:04 or even making smarter trust decisions.
    0:50:05 – Rachel Botsman, the new audio book
    0:50:08 is called How to Trust and Be Trusted.
    0:50:09 Great to talk with you.
    0:50:10 – It’s so good to talk with you
    0:50:12 and I really hope listeners listen to it
    0:50:15 because it can change people’s lives.
    0:50:19 – Let’s finish with the lightning round.
    0:50:23 Do you drive a customized car?
    0:50:26 – I don’t actually yet.
    0:50:27 Well, if I am–
    0:50:29 – What have I seen on your Instagram?
    0:50:31 What’s that truck you keep posting on your Instagram?
    0:50:33 – So I have a truck that’s customized.
    0:50:36 I don’t drive it around as much.
    0:50:38 But maybe this year, I’ll start taking it out this year.
    0:50:40 We have been kind of stealth about it.
    0:50:41 We’ve been talking about it,
    0:50:43 but we haven’t talked about it in a big way
    0:50:45 because we have a big release coming soon.
    0:50:47 – I mean, you’re literally posting it on Instagram.
    0:50:49 It’s not that stealth.
    0:50:52 Tell me about that truck you keep posting on Instagram.
    0:50:53 What’s going on with that?
    0:50:54 – So it’s a truck that’s fully,
    0:50:56 the full body is fully customized.
    0:50:59 – It says Anvil in the back when you post it.
    0:51:00 Is it called Anvil?
    0:51:00 – Dumb question.
    0:51:02 – We call it Anvil.
    0:51:04 I think the idea was that actually the shape,
    0:51:05 design of it was inspired by Anvil.
    0:51:07 If you look at the front fender,
    0:51:10 it actually looks like the front bumper looks like an Anvil.
    0:51:12 But also the idea is that like,
    0:51:14 we are actually forming sheets on an Anvil.
    0:51:16 So it was very fitting.
    0:51:17 Tell me about that truck.
    0:51:19 Like just tell me what’s it look like?
    0:51:20 – Yeah. So for example, like,
    0:51:24 we put a lot of form and sharp edges in the hood, right?
    0:51:27 Most vehicles have a very hard time.
    0:51:30 If you look at most of the hood of the vehicles,
    0:51:32 they’re very smooth because it’s very hard
    0:51:35 to actually put sharp angles in the hood.
    0:51:36 So if you look at this truck,
    0:51:37 this truck has a lot of angles,
    0:51:41 a lot of sharp detail right in the hood, right?
    0:51:44 And that’s very expressive of the type of person,
    0:51:46 for example, that I am, right?
    0:51:47 I like things that are edgy.
    0:51:50 And that truck is certainly edgy, right?
    0:51:53 It’s bare metal, right?
    0:51:58 There is no blemishes being hidden under the vehicle.
    0:52:02 A lot of people, when Cybertruck came out,
    0:52:04 we got very excited about, you know,
    0:52:06 oh, it’s bare metal, it looks like a metal,
    0:52:07 but then there was no form in it
    0:52:08 because it’s actually very hard
    0:52:11 to make a form metal look nice.
    0:52:13 And so that’s one of the things we wanted to show.
    0:52:14 We wanted to show that, okay,
    0:52:17 you can actually have a form metal with a lot of detail in it
    0:52:20 and still keep it bare metal because it will look nice, right?
    0:52:24 So yeah, a lot of design features of it for me
    0:52:26 kind of represents the type of personality character
    0:52:29 that I have, but I think that’s how every car should be.
    0:52:31 You know, people should be able to have that freedom
    0:52:33 to choose what their cars look like.
    0:52:37 – How many skull tattoos do you have?
    0:52:39 – I’ve got three.
    0:52:41 – Why?
    0:52:46 – So yeah, it’s an interesting thing.
    0:52:50 So a skull for me represents kind of,
    0:52:54 and it’s an abstract for death of ego.
    0:52:56 So I have a tattoo on my thumb,
    0:52:59 which is a skull that’s holding a microphone
    0:53:00 into his ears.
    0:53:02 And this was a time where, you know,
    0:53:04 I felt like, you know, I had a good platform
    0:53:07 and I could talk a lot and people would listen,
    0:53:09 but then I realized I should, yes, that’s great,
    0:53:12 but I should maybe keep the mic close to my ears
    0:53:16 and also listen as opposed to talk all the time, right?
    0:53:18 So I think a skull–
    0:53:21 – Microphones don’t work that way for the record,
    0:53:23 but I like it as a metaphor.
    0:53:27 – Exactly, but I think the idea was around, you know,
    0:53:28 kind of reminders.
    0:53:30 You can see a lot of my tattoos are on my hands,
    0:53:34 so it’s really a reminder for myself to know that, you know,
    0:53:37 be present and make sure that, you know,
    0:53:39 you’re not involved with your ego too much
    0:53:42 and you can see other people’s perspective.
    0:53:45 – Is there any tension between ego death and custom cars?
    0:53:50 – Tension between ego death and custom cars.
    0:53:52 – I don’t know, I’m just playing, but like, you know,
    0:53:55 custom car kind of seems like, hey, look at me, I’m special.
    0:53:58 And ego death seems like, oh, don’t look at me,
    0:53:59 I’m not so special.
    0:54:01 – Yeah, no, I think the difference is,
    0:54:04 I think, yeah, if you have attachment to your custom car,
    0:54:06 then maybe there’s tension,
    0:54:09 but I more think of it in terms of expression, right?
    0:54:10 You know, you can be an artist.
    0:54:14 You can design your home the way it expresses you.
    0:54:17 You can design the theme of your podcast
    0:54:18 the way it expresses you.
    0:54:21 You can design your car also the way it expresses you.
    0:54:23 I think it’s less so about, oh, look at me, I’m special.
    0:54:26 It’s more like, here’s my expression to the world
    0:54:28 for the people to see.
    0:54:31 But I think that expressiveness is pretty amazing.
    0:54:33 I think that’s uniquely one of the unique things
    0:54:36 about humans that like, you know, we,
    0:54:37 I think all we do when we come to this world
    0:54:39 is expressing ourselves, right?
    0:54:41 Expressing ourselves through our work,
    0:54:43 expressing through ourselves, through our relationships.
    0:54:47 And if we can enable people to express themselves better,
    0:54:49 better, I think that’s great.
    0:54:51 But if you get attached to your expressions
    0:54:53 and your ideas and your thoughts,
    0:54:55 and you think, oh, I’m better than everybody else,
    0:54:56 then I think that that becomes,
    0:54:59 that becomes a little bit of an ego-driven trip.
    0:55:02 (upbeat music)
    0:55:10 – Edward Mayer is the co-founder and CEO of Mockin’ The Labs.
    0:55:13 Today’s show was produced by Gabriel Hunter Chang.
    0:55:15 It was edited by Lydia Jean Cotte
    0:55:18 and engineered by Sarah Bruginger.
    0:55:21 You can email us at problem@pushkin.fm.
    0:55:24 I’m Jacob Goldstein and we’ll be back next week
    0:55:26 with another episode of What’s Your Problem?
    0:55:34 – Hey, it’s Jacob.
    0:55:35 I’m here with Rachel Botsman.
    0:55:39 Rachel lectures on trust at Oxford University
    0:55:43 and she is the author of a new Pushkin audiobook
    0:55:46 called How to Trust and Be Trusted.
    0:55:47 Hi, Rachel.
    0:55:48 – Hi, Jacob.
    0:55:51 – Rachel Botsman, tell me three things
    0:55:53 I need to know about trust.
    0:55:58 – Number one, do not mistake confidence for competence.
    0:55:59 Big trust mistakes.
    0:56:01 So when people are making trust decisions,
    0:56:05 they often look for confidence versus competence.
    0:56:09 Number two, transparency doesn’t equal more trust.
    0:56:11 Big myth and misconception.
    0:56:13 And a real problem, actually in the tech world,
    0:56:16 the reason why is because trust
    0:56:20 is a confident relationship with the unknown.
    0:56:23 So what are you doing if you make things more transparent?
    0:56:26 You’re reducing the need for trust.
    0:56:31 And number three, become a stellar expectation setter.
    0:56:36 Inconsistency with expectations really damages trust.
    0:56:37 – I love it.
    0:56:38 Say the name of the book again
    0:56:41 and why everybody should listen to it.
    0:56:43 – So it’s called How to Trust and Be Trusted.
    0:56:46 Intentionally, it’s a two-way title
    0:56:49 because we have to give trust and we have to earn trust.
    0:56:53 And the reason why I wrote it is because we often hear
    0:56:55 about how trust is in a state of crisis
    0:56:57 or how it’s in a state of decline.
    0:56:59 But there’s lots of things that you can do
    0:57:02 to improve trust in your own lives,
    0:57:04 to improve trust in your teams,
    0:57:06 trusting yourself to take more risks
    0:57:09 or even making smarter trust decisions.
    0:57:11 – Rachel Botsman, the new audio book is called
    0:57:14 How to Trust and Be Trusted.
    0:57:14 Great to talk with you.
    0:57:16 – It’s so good to talk with you.
    0:57:18 And I really hope listeners listen to it
    0:57:21 because it can change people’s lives.

    AI works well in the virtual world. That’s partly because the internet provides so much data to train AI models. But there’s no analogous data set for the physical world – and as a result, AI doesn’t work as well there… yet.

     Edward Mehr is the co-founder and CEO of Machina Labs. Edward’s problem is this: How can you use AI to turn robots from dumb, inflexible machines into skilled, versatile craftsmen?

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

  • #792: Seth Godin on Playing the Right Game and Strategy as a Superpower

    AI transcript
    0:00:06 Coming up in this episode and the mistake people make is if you find yourself saying,
    0:00:10 “I just need to get the word out. I’ve done all the hard part. Now I just need to get the word out.”
    0:00:17 You haven’t done the hard part. What you’ve done is waited for a miracle.
    0:00:25 Hello, boys and girls, ladies and germs. This is Tim Ferriss. Welcome to another episode of
    0:00:31 The Tim Ferriss Show. My guest today is a fan favorite. It is Seth Godin, the one and only.
    0:00:36 He is the author of 21 internationally bestselling books translated into more than 35 languages,
    0:00:43 including “Linchpin,” “Tribes,” “The Dip,” and “Purple Cow.” His latest book, “This Is Strategy,”
    0:00:48 really caught my attention, and it offers a fresh lens on how we can make bold decisions,
    0:00:54 embrace change, and navigate a complex, rapidly evolving world. We cover a ton of ground,
    0:01:00 including sets of questions that you can use to catalyze personal and professional growth,
    0:01:07 maxims different concepts to unpack that can productively shake the snow globe of your mind
    0:01:13 so that you can settle on new realizations, different ways to create competitive advantage
    0:01:19 in an increasingly crowded world. Seth is also the founder of the Alt MBA and the Akimbo workshops,
    0:01:23 transformative online programs that have helped thousands of people take their work to the next
    0:01:30 level. His blog, Seths.Blog, that’s a plural, Seths.Blog, is one of the most widely read in the
    0:01:37 world and has been such for a very long time. Seth is also the creator of the Carbon Almanac,
    0:01:42 a global initiative focused on climate action. This is a very practical episode,
    0:01:49 as all of Seths are on this podcast, and I’ll leave it at that. So, after a few words from the
    0:01:55 people who make this podcast possible, please enjoy. Listeners have heard me talk about making
    0:01:59 before you manage for years. All that means to me is that when I wake up, I block out three to four
    0:02:04 hours to do the most important things that are generative, creative, podcasting, writing, etc.
    0:02:10 Before I get to the email and the admin stuff and the reactive stuff and everyone else’s agenda
    0:02:18 for my time, for me, let’s just say I’m a writer and entrepreneur, I need to focus on the making to
    0:02:23 be happy. If I get sucked into all the little bits and pieces that are constantly churning,
    0:02:29 I end up feeling stressed out, and that is why today’s sponsor is so interesting. It’s been one
    0:02:36 of the greatest energetic unlocks in the last few years. So, here we go. I need to find people who
    0:02:42 are great at managing, and that is where Cresit Family Office comes in. You spell it C-R-E-S-S-E-T.
    0:02:47 Cresit Family Office, I was introduced to them by one of the top CPG investors in the world.
    0:02:53 Cresit is a prestigious family office for CEOs, founders, and entrepreneurs. They handle the
    0:02:58 complex financial planning, uncertain tax strategies, timely exit planning, bill pay,
    0:03:04 wires, all the dozens of other parts of wealth management and just financial management that
    0:03:09 would otherwise pull me away from doing what I love most, making things, mastering skills,
    0:03:14 spending time with the people I care about. Over many years, I was getting pulled away
    0:03:20 from that stuff. At least a few days a week, and I’ve completely eliminated that. So, experience
    0:03:24 the freedom of focusing on what matters to you with the support of a top wealth management team.
    0:03:31 You can schedule a call today at CresitCapital.com/Tim that’s spelled C-R-E-S-S-E-T,
    0:03:36 CresitCapital.com/Tim to see how Cresit can help streamline your financial plans
    0:03:43 and grow your wealth. That’s CresitCapital.com/Tim. And disclosure, I am a client of Cresit.
    0:03:46 There are no material conflicts other than this paid testimonial. And of course,
    0:03:51 all investing involves risk, including loss of principle. So, do your due diligence.
    0:03:56 This episode is brought to you by Shopify, one of my absolute favorite companies,
    0:04:01 and they make some of my favorite products. Shopify is the commerce platform revolutionizing
    0:04:08 millions of businesses worldwide, and I’ve known the team since 2008 or 2009. But prior to that,
    0:04:13 I wish I had personally had Shopify in the early 2000s when I was running my own e-commerce business.
    0:04:18 I tell that story in the 4-hour work week, but the tools then were absolutely atrocious,
    0:04:23 and I could only dream of a platform like Shopify. In fact, it was you guys, my dear
    0:04:29 readers who introduced me to Shopify when I polled all of you about best e-commerce platforms around
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    0:06:12 I suppose I want to ask the question that I always ask. What would make this
    0:06:16 time well spent for you? What would make this a home run looking back?
    0:06:21 I have to confess that I’ve never had a conversation with you that wasn’t well spent.
    0:06:27 What would make it a home run for me is if you considered it one of the best episodes of the
    0:06:30 year or maybe even longer. I want to be on the greatest hits. That’s what we’re pushing for.
    0:06:37 All right, perfect. To kick that off out of the gate, what would be a sensible place to start?
    0:06:43 Is there a particular story or a lead question that you think would help us start with a bang?
    0:06:47 Anything come to mind? There are a million places I could start, of course.
    0:06:56 You know best, but it seems to me that many of your listeners actually want a job without a boss.
    0:07:02 Seek to build something and they need to be woken up about that. And number two,
    0:07:08 people who misunderstand your breakthrough books think they’re about tactics and they follow the
    0:07:16 steps instead of realizing they’re about strategy and then find a resilient way forward. And strategy,
    0:07:21 this philosophy, is something you’ve been doing your entire career but never called it that.
    0:07:30 Well, let’s start there. Strategy, like success or God, if we want to really get out there,
    0:07:36 are words that a lot of people use but oftentimes are in their minds referring to different things.
    0:07:39 So when you use the word strategy, what does that mean to you?
    0:07:45 I think it’s a philosophy of becoming. I don’t think it’s a set of tactics. I don’t think it’s
    0:07:52 about winning in the short run. I think it’s about being very clear about the change we seek to make
    0:07:59 and who we seek to change, understanding the systems and the games around us, and then
    0:08:05 committing to the long-term process of getting to where we’re going, meaning our tactics will
    0:08:14 change all the time, but our strategy does not. And most people, because we’ve been indoctrinated
    0:08:21 to have a job, want tactics instead. And I could do much better if I was peddling tactics, but I’m
    0:08:24 not. And I’m never going to write a story, a book called This Is God.
    0:08:26 The Tactic Monger, Volume 1.
    0:08:32 Exactly. So if I’m not going to write This Is God or This Is Tactics, at least I could write
    0:08:40 This Is Strategy. And what would be a real-world example of good strategy? Any particular company
    0:08:47 or project come to mind? So some famous strategies, an elegant strategy. Bill Gates says we are going
    0:08:55 to have the strategy that no one ever got fired for buying Microsoft. He stole that strategy from
    0:09:01 IBM. So IBM had a 50-year run where their products weren’t the most cutting edge and weren’t the best
    0:09:07 priced, but they had enough salespeople and support and infrastructure that if you worked for a big
    0:09:15 company, buying IBM was easy. Every time Microsoft followed that strategy, they did fine. And when
    0:09:20 they veered away from it, they had problem. A strategy, when I was at Yahoo, we had the chance
    0:09:29 to buy Google for about $10 million. We didn’t buy them. I didn’t get a vote. But Yahoo’s strategy
    0:09:36 was the web is a dark and nasty place. Come to Yahoo and don’t leave. And the homepage had 183 links
    0:09:43 on it. At Google, their strategy was the web is grown up. Come here and go somewhere else.
    0:09:51 And Marissa Mayer built the most profitable marketing engine of all time by making sure,
    0:09:55 fighting for years to make it so there’s only a couple links on the homepage,
    0:10:00 because that was built into the strategy, which is if you’re leaving Google, we’re doing something
    0:10:06 right. And that’s where all the ads came from. And that’s why Yahoo couldn’t buy Google because
    0:10:12 the strategies were completely the opposite. And Starbucks had a strategy that took them a very
    0:10:18 long way for a very long time. But it’s not about Frappuccinos. It’s about understanding
    0:10:22 who is this for and how can we incrementally help them get there.
    0:10:26 What did that look like for Starbucks and what did it look like for them to stray?
    0:10:31 Howard Schultz did not start Starbucks. When he got there, there were two Starbucks’
    0:10:40 and neither one of them sold cups of coffee. They only sold beans. And Howard had been to Italy
    0:10:48 and he realized that there was a deep human desire, A, to go from being pre-caffeinated
    0:10:56 to caffeinated. And that gets refreshed every single day. And two, to be able to do it with
    0:11:01 other people who you see yourself in, people like us do things like this.
    0:11:06 So in the Northeast, there was Dunkin Donuts. But the idea of Dunkin Donuts is you’re not happy
    0:11:10 that you’re getting coffee. The coffee isn’t that delicious. Let’s just get this over with.
    0:11:20 And every time Howard built more of that feeling that you could go to any Starbucks in the world
    0:11:26 and feel like you were with your people and that for five bucks, you could feel like a rich person,
    0:11:31 he could repeat it over and over and over again. And the tactics would take care of themselves.
    0:11:38 If not the tactics, what are the core ingredients of enacting a strategy like that?
    0:11:45 There’s all sorts of surprising ways that we can challenge ourselves once we start down this path.
    0:11:51 But to start down the path, there are four things we’re looking for. We’re looking for systems.
    0:12:01 We’re looking for time. We’re looking for games. And finally, empathy. And all four of them are
    0:12:08 really unexplored and mysterious. But once you see all four of them, strategy is much easier to
    0:12:15 take care of itself. So I’m happy to take them one by one or give examples. But those four keep
    0:12:21 interweaving over and over again. And that unfolds for us what a strategy can be.
    0:12:28 Great. Let’s go through the four. And maybe if it’s not too cumbersome, if there’s an example
    0:12:35 that’s easy to give, that’s great too. However you want to land it. Systems are invisible and they
    0:12:40 hide themselves because they don’t want people to see who’s operating things. They invent culture
    0:12:45 to defend themselves. The most famous one is the solar system. There’s this invisible gravity.
    0:12:51 The earth doesn’t go around the sun because it wants to. It goes around the sun because gravity
    0:12:58 makes that its easiest path. If you grew up in the United States to middle class parents,
    0:13:02 you’ll be under pressure from the time you’re five years old to get good grades. Why do I need to
    0:13:06 get good grades so you can get into a famous college? But you’re not supposed to call it a
    0:13:14 famous college. You’re supposed to call it a good college. And that system with tuition and tenure
    0:13:19 and student debt and football teams and cheerleaders and college tours and the sticker on the back of
    0:13:28 a car and the SATs, all of it is just taken for granted as normal. And so, Danella Meadows has
    0:13:35 done brilliant writing before she passed away way too early about all the dynamics of systems,
    0:13:42 systems in our world, systems that we want to build. So when we see a system under stress,
    0:13:49 then we can see the system, that we can see the climate when temperatures start to rise.
    0:13:52 But before the temperature started to rise, when the climate was normal, no one
    0:13:58 paid attention to it because the system, the thing that keeps it going, was sort of invisible.
    0:14:03 So if you’re going to start any enterprise, a little plumbing business, a giant internet
    0:14:09 company, if you’re going to run for office, you should be able to see and name the elements of
    0:14:16 the system. Where is their gravity? What is seen as normal? And there’s pushback if you don’t do it.
    0:14:23 And so I’ll finish the rant by asking a simple question. How much should a wedding cost?
    0:14:33 I am especially unqualified to answer this. No, it’s super simple. The answer is
    0:14:42 exactly what your best friend spent but a little more. And that’s why a wedding in New York City
    0:14:49 costs more than $100,000. Not because you need monogrammed matchbooks to have a good wedding.
    0:14:56 You need them to be part of the wedding industrial complex to show your status to the people who’ve
    0:15:01 been invited because that’s what the thing is for. So we have to see systems and then either
    0:15:07 we work for the system or the system works for us. We can linger on this one for a bit because
    0:15:13 next one is time. So I feel like we should take our time plus it’s long form. So could you give
    0:15:20 an example on a smaller scale of a, you mentioned plumbing doesn’t need to be plumbing, but a
    0:15:29 solopreneur or a very, very small startup to deform employees and how they might start to
    0:15:37 ask questions around systems to identify the systems that are at work? Because for instance,
    0:15:43 in my life, I’m good at identifying what is normal, what are the unquestioned assumptions.
    0:15:48 I’m good at that, but that seems like I’m holding the tail of the elephant, like one of the blind
    0:15:53 men in the parable. It’s like, I’ve got a piece of it, but it’s not the whole elephant, clearly.
    0:15:57 I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit. The whole tango thing. I mean,
    0:16:02 you have been doing this for a very long time. We’re an archery thing by me.
    0:16:11 So let’s say you’re going to build a small business that supports medium-sized businesses with their
    0:16:18 Google workspace. So you’re a couple of nerds and you’re going to be the person who helps people
    0:16:24 set up their Google Drive and across the organization reasonably secure for a company
    0:16:30 with 100 employees. Because you’re in there, in the factory, seeing how things are made,
    0:16:35 it’s very tempting to imagine that everyone you’re serving wants what you want,
    0:16:42 and that you think your customer is the person who’s buying stuff from you and what they need
    0:16:49 is a tech solution. None of these things are true. That the system of a company with 100 people,
    0:16:55 it’s probably not the CEO’s job to set this thing up. So it’s someone else’s job. There’s a system,
    0:17:01 a hierarchy of jobs. What does that person want? It’s not their money. So lowering your
    0:17:06 price to get new customers is not going to help you get new customers. That in fact,
    0:17:12 what that person wants is a story to tell their boss, a story of why did I pick these people,
    0:17:17 and even better, a story of if it fails, why they are not going to be in trouble.
    0:17:24 So when we show up at an organization to tell our story to that system, we have to do it
    0:17:30 understanding, how do they buy everything else? What do they measure? What would happen to us
    0:17:37 if we were bigger than the other people bidding or smaller than the other people bidding?
    0:17:44 All of these things go into how the system works the same way the admissions office at the famous
    0:17:50 college doesn’t always pick the people with the highest SAT scores because there’s this
    0:17:59 complicated mechanism at play that is historical to feed and maintain the system.
    0:18:07 So in the case of this Google workspace thing, let’s say you decide to close on Thanksgiving
    0:18:11 Day and you’ve just got a message on your voicemail, we’ll close on Thanksgiving Day,
    0:18:17 leave a message, we’ll call you back tomorrow. That seems normal unless what got you into the
    0:18:22 system was an unbreakable promise that you will never get in trouble because we will always answer
    0:18:30 the phone. That decision, that tactical decision has to be driven by what you seek to stand for,
    0:18:34 but that’s only going to happen if you see the system of what this company, your client does
    0:18:42 and what stories do they tell themselves. And Hollywood is a system and the senior prom is a
    0:18:47 system. And there are all these factors that go into all of them, subtle signals that people
    0:18:53 are sending to each other. And if you’re going to make a living taking money from people to solve
    0:18:59 their problems, it has to be to help them dance with the system that they’re part of.
    0:19:06 All right, shall we bookmark that and come to time, games or empathy, which would you like to
    0:19:12 tackle next? Time is really interesting. James Glick wrote a brilliant book about the history
    0:19:18 of time travel. Now, of course, there are no actual time machines, but we know who invented the time
    0:19:25 machine. And it was actually H. G. Wells. Before H. G. Wells wrote his book, nobody in the world
    0:19:29 talked about time machines, the concept that you and I take for granted. If you go back in time,
    0:19:36 if you go forward, no one ever said that, ever. And time, we’re all very familiar with it and no
    0:19:43 one can define it. And we know what now is. And the now over a week ago isn’t now anymore. It’s
    0:19:51 back then and it feels different. So if you want to build a company with 1,000 employees in it,
    0:19:57 if you want to go public, if you want to be somebody with a lot of zeros in your bank account,
    0:20:01 that is not going to happen in the next three seconds. There’s something that’s going to happen
    0:20:13 between now and then. And each one of the steps as we look through time is not today. So when we
    0:20:20 want to have a forest, we don’t get a forest. We start planting trees because 20 years from now
    0:20:25 we’ll have a forest. And when you’re growing up in Long Island or when you’re growing up
    0:20:29 training for the Olympics, you know you’re not going to be doing the Olympics when you’re 50.
    0:20:38 So what exactly are the purpose of these steps? And what does it mean to fail? Does it mean that
    0:20:43 you failed right this moment in service of getting where you want to go later? What does it mean you
    0:20:49 failed forever? What does it mean to quit? Does quitting now mean you failed forever or does it
    0:20:56 just open the door to succeeding later? And so we have this opportunity to see time the way our
    0:21:04 competition doesn’t. So in 2001, I was at a conference and we were in this small group setting.
    0:21:08 There were eight people and they said, “Go around the circle and say who you are.” And the guy on
    0:21:12 my left said, “My name is Stephen. I’m a judge.” It turned out he was Stephen Breyer. He was on
    0:21:19 the Supreme Court. And the person next to him said, “My name’s Sergey and I have this new search
    0:21:25 engine.” And someone said, “So Sergey, what’s your marketing strategy?” And he said, “Well,
    0:21:31 here’s the deal. We think Google is going to get better every day.” So we don’t want people to
    0:21:36 use Google for the first time right away. We want them to use it for the first time later so it’s
    0:21:42 better by the time they get there. So we’re not doing any promotion whatsoever because the Google
    0:21:46 of now only exists to get us to the Google of tomorrow. And when we’re at the Google you’re
    0:21:53 ready for, that’s when you’ll come use it. And at the same time, Yahoo was busy trying to defend
    0:21:58 the plunging stock price in the moment as opposed to saying, “What are we going to be in 10 years?”
    0:22:06 I remember the TV commercials at exactly that time for Yahoo. Okay, so framing time
    0:22:11 differently. I suppose Bezos and Amazon would be an example of that as well. I mean,
    0:22:17 who dog-trained Wall Street to expect no profitability for God knows how long, decade,
    0:22:24 I mean, and set out in the very first annual shareholder letter that was subsequently, I believe,
    0:22:29 reread every year or represented in some fashion. Yeah, so let’s just break that into pieces, right?
    0:22:36 Because in the moment, Morgan Stanley says, “Don’t do that. That’s dumb. It’s going to hurt your
    0:22:45 stock price today.” But what Jeff said was, “If I don’t establish the conditions for Wall Street
    0:22:53 to send us the investors we want, our stock price will be zero in five years.” So the only way to
    0:23:01 get to five years from now is to do this today, even though it feels expensive because compared
    0:23:06 to the alternative, it’s really cheap. Setting the conditions. I have a sneaking
    0:23:12 suspicion we’re going to come back to conditions at some point. Games. I like the sound of this.
    0:23:16 I like games. Some games, I suppose, depends on which one I choose and if I choose it consciously,
    0:23:23 but what does games mean? So again, back to the indoctrination. So we grew up with Candyland
    0:23:29 and Parcheasy and Monopoly. Those are board games and they’re okay, but that’s not the
    0:23:36 kind of games I’m talking about. Any situation where there are multiple people and variable outputs
    0:23:43 with scarcity, there’s a game. So it is a game to decide when two lanes merge, which car is going to
    0:23:50 go first. And it is a game to decide when you’re working for Jack Welch and the bottom 10% of the
    0:23:56 people lose their job, which people are going to lose their job. And it is a game to exchange money
    0:24:03 for a hot dog at the baseball game because that exchange happens in a way where two players come
    0:24:11 together for mutual benefit. So we should not deny that games exist. We should learn how games work.
    0:24:18 And when we make a move in a game that doesn’t seem to work, we should not say we are a bad person.
    0:24:24 We should say, “I made a move that did not work.” Those are totally different things.
    0:24:29 And so the only way you’ve been able to achieve all the things you’ve achieved
    0:24:36 between the archery and dancing and everything in between is you make more moves than most people
    0:24:43 and you measure them and you don’t do the ones that don’t work again. But it is impossible to
    0:24:51 innovate if it has to work. Innovation must always be accompanied by the phrase, “This might not work.”
    0:24:57 And so if you and your team aren’t saying, “This might not work,” in service of innovation,
    0:25:03 you’re not innovating. And this is my entire notebook full of
    0:25:13 training logs and experiments. And I’d say 50% is at least, if not 70%, things that did not work
    0:25:17 and required tweaks so that I would not repeat the same mistake the next time.
    0:25:24 It doesn’t always work. But over time, it tends to round towards improvement, at the very least.
    0:25:28 We’ve only been going at this for a few minutes, but already I can hear it.
    0:25:33 People are saying, “Wait, wait, wait. I too didn’t have someone vindicate the tactics I am
    0:25:37 already using, that that is what I am listening for, to hear that I am on the right tack.”
    0:25:45 What are you guys going to get to the tactics part? And the very fact that we don’t hear this kind
    0:25:51 of description of the world we’re in is like the fish that doesn’t realize it’s in water.
    0:25:56 And what I’m trying to help people see in a world that is changing faster than it has ever
    0:26:02 changed in history is when you see these threads and these systems under stress,
    0:26:09 that is when you know there’s an opportunity for you. And if it feels uncomfortable,
    0:26:14 imagine how it feels to people who don’t get the joke. When this discomfort shows up,
    0:26:20 that’s the opportunity. Yeah, for sure. And one of the many reasons I’ve been looking forward
    0:26:25 to the conversation is I spend a lot of time thinking about many of these constituent parts,
    0:26:33 but I haven’t necessarily explicitly woven them together into something that combines into
    0:26:40 strategy. But in terms of time horizon, and for me, a lot of it is trying to find or create a
    0:26:48 category of one for “competitive advantage.” And part of that is choosing a game I can win,
    0:26:54 which entails also understanding the rules of the game that you have chosen or inherited or
    0:26:59 somehow deliberately or accidentally ended up playing. It’s really trying to parse the rules
    0:27:04 of the game. The time, I do think about that a lot. It’s one of the simplest ways to have
    0:27:08 a competitive advantage, just to have a longer time horizon. But it requires having a lot of
    0:27:15 other things fall online. And then certainly the systems and in part, depending on what game you’re
    0:27:21 playing, as you said, what are the gravitational pulls? What are the incentives of different
    0:27:29 stakeholders who has what degree of respective influence? So it’s fun to hear these all
    0:27:35 combined. Empathy is one I would like to think of myself as an empathetic person, but this
    0:27:42 isn’t maybe one that I would initially have thrown into the ring as an integral piece of
    0:27:48 strategy. So what does this mean? You just gave it away. I’d like to think of myself as an empathetic
    0:27:54 person. It implies that there’s a moral component to what we’re talking about. And at some level,
    0:27:58 of course, there is, but that’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is this.
    0:28:06 Everything we build and everything we make only works in a voluntary exchange if someone else
    0:28:13 wants it more than they want the money or time they have to trade for it. Meaning someone’s not
    0:28:18 going to buy the thing you’re selling at a craft sphere because you worked really hard to make it.
    0:28:27 They’re going to buy it because they want it. And all empathy is, is being very clear about who it’s
    0:28:37 for and why they want it. And we get so busy and so exhausted making something, we forget. We hustle
    0:28:42 people and hassle people to buy from us because it’s important to us. Sounds like some of my blog
    0:28:50 posts. Yes. You didn’t need to publish the notebook if your goal was for you to read it
    0:28:56 because you already read it. You are publishing it so other people will read it. So your description
    0:29:03 of the book is not, “Please buy this because I worked really hard to write it.” It’s, “I have a
    0:29:11 thing here that when I describe it, if I create the conditions for information exchange to happen,
    0:29:17 you will bang down the door to get it. You will be angry if you can’t get a copy.” Now,
    0:29:25 that implies that it cannot be for everyone, no matter what we make, because you cannot be
    0:29:33 empathic to everyone. Unless you’re selling, I don’t know, oxygen on a planet that doesn’t have any,
    0:29:42 there’s nothing that everyone wants the same way. So where all of this must begin and end is
    0:29:50 with the minimum, the smallest viable audience. Who are the people, just them, that when they hear
    0:29:55 about this, they’re going to say, “That’s exactly what I was looking for.” That’s all you need.
    0:30:06 You pick that group, you delight them, and you forgive everybody else. And here’s proof that
    0:30:13 you’re not doing it. If someone comes to you and you are not regularly sending folks to your
    0:30:20 competitors or people who are thought of as your competitors, you are not serious about this,
    0:30:25 about picking the audience to its fore and forgiving everybody else. When someone shows up
    0:30:30 at the Ferrari dealership and says, “I got six kids, how am I going to get them to school?”
    0:30:36 You don’t try to persuade them to get an Enzo. You send them down the street to the Volvo dealership.
    0:30:44 That was one of your many questions. I suppose 40 or so questions in the book that I wanted to
    0:30:48 ask about, “Am I positioned as a service? Can I happily send others to people who might be seen
    0:30:54 as competitors?” And I was like, “Huh, interesting. I wanted to clarify that, which you just did.”
    0:31:03 And it makes sense. If you can’t do that, then you very likely did not have your
    0:31:10 1,000 true fans or minimal viable audience to find. Positioning is, why are the people who don’t
    0:31:18 choose to buy from you right to make that choice? And if you have this attitude that everyone should
    0:31:24 buy from you, you can’t answer that question. So the people at Nestle’s don’t get upset if you buy
    0:31:32 an Askenosi chocolate bar for $14 because Sean and his daughter aren’t selling a chocolate bar
    0:31:36 to people who might buy a Nestle’s bar. They’re completely different groups of people.
    0:31:41 And the same thing is true for people who play Dungeons and Dragons versus people who want to
    0:31:46 go watch Ultimate Fighting Championship. In that given moment, there are two different groups of
    0:31:49 people. I’m glad you said in that given moment because I happen to be the perfect overlap.
    0:31:52 There are some people who do both, but they don’t do both at the same time.
    0:31:54 No, no, no. Very hard to do at the same time.
    0:32:02 Just a quick thanks to one of our sponsors and we’ll be right back to the show.
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    0:33:15 All right, so we have then, this might be a good segue, many maxims or ideas that we could discuss
    0:33:24 from the book. And I circled a few for myself, mostly for clarification. And I’ll let you pick
    0:33:30 from one of these three and feel free to revise the wording, but I’m very curious.
    0:33:34 I’ll read the three and then you can pick whichever one you want to start with. So the first is systems
    0:33:39 don’t start out selfish, but resilient ones often end up that way. The next one is you’re not sitting
    0:33:45 in traffic, you are the traffic. And then the third is don’t try to burn big logs if you only have
    0:33:52 a little bit of kindling. Perfect. Let’s do all three. We’ll start with the last one. If you’ve
    0:33:58 ever gone camping, you know what I mean by the, you have enough kindling freezing my ass off in a
    0:34:03 rural archery range yesterday and realize they had a nice wood burning stove, but all the logs
    0:34:07 were as big around as my torso. And I thought, well, that’s going to be a really tough fire to
    0:34:12 start. Exactly. Unless you had an enormous amount of kindling and then it would go up in no time.
    0:34:20 Yeah. Too often because of the media, entrepreneurs think if they don’t start something that sounds
    0:34:26 giant, they’re failures. Too often, we give entrepreneurs credit for raising a lot of money
    0:34:32 from venture capital. That’s probably not the right path for you. The money you’re raising
    0:34:38 from investors is kindling. And the logs you’re starting are the markets you’re trying to get to.
    0:34:43 So if you want to build a dialysis chain in 40 cities where people can go get reliable kidney
    0:34:50 treatment, you can’t start that with $100,000 alone. You just can’t. But $100,000 alone is
    0:34:56 more than enough to get yourself doing very, very well with a hotdog cart somewhere.
    0:35:05 So we first got to make a smart decision based on time, based on the systems we’re
    0:35:09 confronting. Do we have enough kindling? Do I have enough reputation to even take this on?
    0:35:17 One about systems is this. Systems aren’t people. They are collections of people.
    0:35:24 And they act in ways that maybe the people who started the system and maybe the people who work
    0:35:30 in the system wouldn’t choose, but that’s the system they’ve got. So if you think about the
    0:35:35 healthcare system in the United States, it’s not a healthcare system. It’s a treatment system
    0:35:40 because everyone in the system gets rewarded for giving treatments, not for making you healthy.
    0:35:46 And so it’s quite likely that once you start working with the medical industrial complex,
    0:35:51 you’ll get more and more tests and more and more probing and more and more bills because that’s
    0:35:59 what the system does. And every time someone moves out of where the system ended up, the system
    0:36:06 exerts a feedback loop to push them back into the spot where they belong. And so if we look at how
    0:36:14 we ended up with college educations that cost almost $300,000, it’s because the combination
    0:36:23 of accreditation and ranking and tenure and parent status and placement offices all
    0:36:28 support it going in only one direction. And if you show up saying, look at me, I’m really smart,
    0:36:34 I went overseas and in two years I learned X, Y, and Z, the system is going to push back
    0:36:37 and say, yeah, but we require this kind of degree from this kind of accredited thing.
    0:36:45 The NCAA is a system that started with people playing football in the backyard
    0:36:49 and now they’re taking private jets to stadiums with 100,000 people in them
    0:36:56 because the system kept churning in one direction. And you might not like the output,
    0:37:03 but you probably can’t change the system by yourself. What you might be able to do is,
    0:37:08 back to your second thing, you’re not sitting in traffic, you are traffic.
    0:37:15 When you participate in a system, you’re either going to make that system more successful and
    0:37:22 get a prize or you could try to fight that system, but you’re going to need a lot of kindling to do
    0:37:31 so because being in the system actually changes the system one way or the other. So the challenge
    0:37:37 that we have is Google didn’t show up and say, we’re going to have meetings with all the ad
    0:37:43 agencies in the world and change the way advertising works. Instead, they walked away completely
    0:37:51 from that world, multi-billion-dollar world of ad spend and instead built a tiny little
    0:37:58 engine for direct marketers where someone would buy the word Chanel and they’d buy it for a nickel.
    0:38:04 And then what would happen is a brand manager from Chanel would Google themselves, don’t do it too
    0:38:08 much, you can go blind, but they would Google themselves and they would see someone had bought
    0:38:15 their name for a nickel. So they’d pay 10 cents to take it back and the auction was on. So Google
    0:38:21 changed the system, but they didn’t change it with a frontal assault. They changed it by
    0:38:26 moving away from the system, finding people who weren’t part of the system and then the system
    0:38:32 chased them. Now, I wanted to mention also just a footnote to the kindling comment,
    0:38:38 which is some people listening. I said, oh man, well, it takes money to make money. And I would
    0:38:44 just say there are many ways to get that kindling. You can do joint ventures, you could do licensing,
    0:38:49 you could do non-diluted financing, which is a fancy way of saying, for instance,
    0:38:53 two startups that I’ve been chatting with have raised money from the government. They’re really
    0:38:58 good at doing that from DARPA and so on. And they get a nice big fat check. It’s delivered
    0:39:04 within six weeks and it does not affect, actually, enhances with lots of leverage their ability to
    0:39:12 raise money in the future. So there are very off-menu approaches to gathering your kindling.
    0:39:19 Yeah. And there’s also the choice you make. If you want to be in the movies, you could invest
    0:39:23 years of your life and pay an enormous number of dues and wait for Hollywood to pick you.
    0:39:31 Or you could sharpen your writing skills and make a two-minute YouTube video. And that
    0:39:37 YouTube video could then find you an audience. And Alana Glazer went on to be in a popular
    0:39:41 Comedy Centralist thing and then a movie star. But she didn’t go in the front door
    0:39:47 because she didn’t have enough kindling to go in the front door. Instead, she found her audience
    0:39:53 and then multiplied. Yeah. There’s an amazing story. People can check it out in a book called
    0:40:00 Rebel Without a Crew by Robert Rodriguez. And when he made, I think it was Mariachi way back
    0:40:07 in the day, he basically came up with his list of assets. And he’s like, “All right, we got a
    0:40:12 turtle. Turtle’s going to be in the movie. All right, my friend has a broken down school bus.
    0:40:17 School bus is going in the script.” And his cousin as a pit bull, great. We’ll figure out
    0:40:23 how to fit it in. And retrofitted the entire script around this. And people thought, wow,
    0:40:28 this must be like a legitimate well-budgeted film. It’s like, no, I just made a list of everything
    0:40:36 I had and then tried to insert them somehow. And he is very good at operating with, I would say,
    0:40:44 lateral approaches to creative output. Are there any other examples of taking the side door, so to
    0:40:52 speak, that stick out to you? Could be for entering a well-established sector. It could be for anything
    0:41:00 at all. In fact, that’s almost always what happens. And the mistake people make is if you find yourself
    0:41:05 saying, “I just need to get the word out. I’ve done all the hard part. Now I just need to get the word
    0:41:15 out.” You haven’t done the hard part. What you’ve done is waited for a miracle. And the people who
    0:41:23 have gone on to build, for example, useful businesses on top of a Kickstarter, stepwise said,
    0:41:27 “All right, I don’t have enough money to build a factory, get into Best Buy,
    0:41:35 do national advertising. But I do have enough money to get 1,000 people to pay me $200 for a
    0:41:41 coffee maker. And then I can do the next one. And then I can do the next one.” So this stepwise
    0:41:50 process, back to time, says the shortcuts are a losery, that the most direct way forward feels
    0:41:56 long in the moment. That I’m going to serve a group of people that so need what I’m doing,
    0:42:01 that they pay for it, and that are so delighted by it that they tell their friends. And then I’m
    0:42:06 going to repeat it and I’m going to repeat it. And if you look at articles on tech crunch and
    0:42:11 places like that, at companies that raised $50 or $100 million, who are going to change the whole
    0:42:19 world overnight, they’re all gone, right? Because you just can’t shortcut that on demand. What you
    0:42:25 can do is find that group of people and bring empathy to them and make a change up.
    0:42:33 Yeah, also with raising that amount of money. Some of them, a handful out of hundreds, will figure
    0:42:38 out a way to make it work. But in most cases, they’re like, “All right, we have an idea on the
    0:42:42 back of a napkin. I think this space shuttle will work. Let’s raise a bunch of money.” And then
    0:42:50 they put together soapbox, derby, space shuttle, and then incinerate themselves, break into a
    0:42:55 million different pieces. That’s the usual outcome. But, you know, I’ll cast no breaks.
    0:43:02 Sometimes it works, but not all the time. And I think that also, I suppose I have a reputation
    0:43:08 for shortcuts, but it’s not really… I don’t think of myself that way. I like to find elegant
    0:43:14 workarounds if they exist, but I’m doing a shit ton of experimentation, taking all the notes that
    0:43:21 I had in that notebook for anything so that I can hopefully make sure I’m not fooling myself
    0:43:24 and that I can replicate. And then if I can do that, I’m like, “All right, let me try that with
    0:43:27 two or three other people.” And they’re like, “Okay, well, let’s expand the scope a little bit.”
    0:43:31 Yeah. And so that’s where feedback loops and network effects come in. So people don’t really
    0:43:36 understand feedback loops. Feedback loops are not feedback. The feedback of, “I’m going to give
    0:43:41 you criticism.” That’s not what we’re talking about. Feedback loops, there are two kinds, positive
    0:43:46 and negative. So a negative feedback loop isn’t actually negative. It’s a thermostat.
    0:43:51 And what that means is if it gets really warm in the hotel room, the air conditioning kicks on,
    0:43:57 if it gets really cold, the heat kicks on. It’s negative in that it keeps it in a central place.
    0:44:04 And a positive feedback loop is like the microphone at a bad wedding that gets that screeching sound
    0:44:09 that goes around and around and around because it keeps getting amplified. So what we seek to do
    0:44:18 is build a project that the next time we do it, it’s going to work even better.
    0:44:27 We want to find an insatiable desire and start the path of filling it. So the insatiable desire
    0:44:31 could be something like status, but it could be something like, “I need caffeine every single
    0:44:37 morning.” That doesn’t fade over time. And as you become the reliable purveyor of caffeine,
    0:44:40 then risk averse people are just going to keep coming back again and again.
    0:44:48 So once you had a small head start with this podcast, you could keep that head start by creating
    0:44:55 ever better episodes of the podcast and no one could ever catch up. My blog in April is going
    0:45:02 to have post number 10,000 and no one’s ever going to catch up to me. But each time there’s another
    0:45:12 post, it becomes more of what people signed up for. And this doesn’t work quite as well when
    0:45:19 you’re talking about shoes because once someone’s closet is filled, the only way for them to buy
    0:45:26 new shoes is to get rid of the old ones. So a Christian Louboutin can’t scale to infinity
    0:45:30 because sooner or later, you run out of people who have the money or you run out of people who
    0:45:37 have the closet space. But what we’re looking for is to build these networks with feedback
    0:45:42 where it works better when I tell my friends. It works better when I have more of it. It works
    0:45:49 better when I do it again. And these insatiable desires are everywhere, but we ignore them and
    0:45:56 instead try to steal market share from somebody else. So I think this ties into one of the questions
    0:46:01 also that I was going to ask you about, which is how can I create the conditions for a network
    0:46:06 affected developer on my project? I suppose is ensuring that you have an answer to, hopefully
    0:46:13 an affluent answer to, can you say or would your clients say or customers, it works better when I
    0:46:18 tell my friends, right? That would seem to be one. There are some very pure examples of this,
    0:46:25 but not many. So a pure example is the fax machine or email. If it’s 40 years ago and you have friends
    0:46:30 who don’t have email, you need to get them to get email because you can’t send email to people
    0:46:38 if they don’t have an email address, right? That Krispy Kreme priced the donuts so that it was
    0:46:44 cheaper to buy a dozen than to buy four. And Krispy Kreme’s were scarce. So if you showed up at work
    0:46:49 with a dozen Krispy Kreme, you were a hero. And so that spread the idea. The more times people
    0:46:57 shared Krispy Kreme, the happier the share was and the word spread. So a lot of things that
    0:47:03 people build don’t have a network effect because there’s no incentive to tell the others. On the
    0:47:09 other hand, something like the Big Lebowski, I can’t talk to you about it unless you’ve seen it.
    0:47:14 So I got to get you to go see the Big Lebowski so we can talk about bringing the room together,
    0:47:22 right? And so it’s built into the idea of a certain kind of movie is we’re going to talk about it.
    0:47:27 Where is the network effect? Why does it work better? Not better for you, but better for the
    0:47:37 user if their friends have it too. So I’m wondering where you would draw the demarcating lines between
    0:47:43 below average, non-existent, moderate, excellent network effects in the sense that you give a few
    0:47:48 examples. I’m wondering, for instance, where something like Magic the Gathering would fall.
    0:47:53 It seems sort of intrinsic to the nature of games themselves that if you want to play a game
    0:47:58 and it’s not a solo venture, you need other people to play. Magic was very beautifully designed
    0:48:08 by blanking on his first name, something Garfield, I believe. But the collectible aspect to it also
    0:48:13 and the competitive aspect, all of these things combined to help make it a real incredible
    0:48:18 phenomenon. But it’s ultimately a game you need other people to play with you. But how would you
    0:48:25 think about that or any other examples that come to mind? If you’re really trying to dial this to
    0:48:33 11 to use a spinal, it works better when I tell my friends. There are some obvious examples that
    0:48:38 spring to mind, Facebook, something like that. But Krispy Kreme, another good example. It’s a
    0:48:43 better one you tell your friends. You end up being a hero. Great. So that is a meandering
    0:48:50 caffeine-infused speaking of caffeine. Lead into what I think is a question, but I’ll let you take
    0:48:58 that wherever you want. So for people at home, I’m cheating. I made these decks of cards that
    0:49:03 people can get and they have 200 questions on them. And what you do is you play them out
    0:49:09 so that you can challenge your peers to work with you, to start working your way through these
    0:49:16 questions. The book has more than 1,000 questions in it because the questions are how we open the
    0:49:22 door. So in the case of the network effect, what do people want? Well, at some level,
    0:49:28 there is a desire for mechanical efficiency that you want everyone to drive on the right
    0:49:33 side of the road if you live in North America. Because if some people drive on the other side
    0:49:38 of the road, someone’s going to die. And so there’s very much of a network effect about which side
    0:49:43 of the road are we going to drive on. There’s no disagreement whatsoever. Those spots are mostly
    0:49:49 taken. So now we have to say, what do people want? And I think people only want two things.
    0:49:56 Three, freedom from the feeling of fear. Let’s leave that aside. The other two are status
    0:50:00 and affiliation. Affiliation is who you’re hanging with, who you’re friends, who’s at the table with
    0:50:07 you, are you alone? Affiliation is, I got invited to a fancy wedding in the Hamptons a couple months
    0:50:13 ago. We pull up, you had to park your car, and then a golf cart would take you in. And there’s
    0:50:19 three of us waiting. It’s Helene, my wife, and I. And I’m wearing a suit. And there’s a guy
    0:50:27 who’s also waiting. He’s wearing a tuxedo. And I’m like, uh-oh. It’s going to be a long night.
    0:50:35 And I’m feeling really bad for myself. Didn’t I read the invitation? And then two more cars pull
    0:50:45 up, and three people in suits get out. So now you can hear this guy going, uh-oh. Because
    0:50:51 he was the only person in a tuxedo. Why should it matter? It’s still closed. Well, it does matter
    0:50:57 because where do you fit in? And status is who’s up and who’s down, who’s winning.
    0:51:05 So something like Magic the Gathering said to a kid who might see themselves as lonely,
    0:51:08 this is a really good way for you to hang out with other people without having the kind of
    0:51:13 conversations that make you uncomfortable. You can talk about dragons and orcs and stuff like that.
    0:51:20 But by making them collectible, they also built in status. Because if you have a thicker deck
    0:51:26 or a more valuable deck, you’re moving up with people that you’re competing with. And those two
    0:51:31 things kept dancing back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. So what we’re probably
    0:51:38 doing when we build a modern entity that’s going to use the network effect is we are offering people
    0:51:44 either affiliation. Everybody else is doing this. You are being left behind. Or status,
    0:51:49 which is you’re in the right room and other people aren’t. And if you leave this room,
    0:51:54 your status is going to go down. And so if you do the math of the TED conference,
    0:52:01 that’s all it is, status and affiliation. If you do the math of why people have the latest
    0:52:07 version of earbuds or whatever, status and affiliation over and over again. Are we giving people
    0:52:15 creating the conditions for them to get the status they seek or the affiliation they crave?
    0:52:22 And that brings up one of the scariest non sequiturs in the book, which is the creation of
    0:52:31 tension. If you want to make change happen, you have to create tension on purpose, not stress.
    0:52:37 Stress is bad. Stress is your trap. Stress is life is bad. Stress is you want to leave, but you
    0:52:45 can’t. Tension is what happens if I pull a rubber band back and then let go. I had to pull it backwards
    0:52:51 to get the rubber band to go across the room. So if I say Taylor Swift is playing in Amsterdam
    0:52:58 and there’s only 400 seats left, I created tension because everyone who wants to go knows that there
    0:53:03 are more than 400 other people who want to go. They better hurry and get their mom to give them
    0:53:08 the money or else they’re going to be left out. By creating tension, the concert promoter fills
    0:53:13 the venue. If there is no tension, no one’s going to come because they think I’ll just stroll in
    0:53:19 if I feel like it. So scarcity creates tension. Lack of affiliation creates tension. The desire
    0:53:24 for status creates tension. When you’re out trying to raise money and someone says to you,
    0:53:29 “Who else is invested?” Why would they ask that question? They’re asking about affiliation. They’re
    0:53:33 asking about status. If you say, “I have term sheets from three people and I only have room for one
    0:53:40 more person,” you create a tension. So we’re constantly doing it, but we rarely do it on purpose.
    0:53:46 Could you say a bit more about affiliation status? Sidebar Richard Garfield is the
    0:53:51 mathematician who designed Magic the Gathering. There’s a great episode on a podcast called
    0:53:57 “Think Like a Game Designer” that has Richard Garfield on it, which I suggest to people.
    0:54:00 Affiliation and status, could you perhaps give an example
    0:54:12 from book writing or from podcasting? Yeah, let’s talk about books. Why do authors blur
    0:54:21 each other’s books? You don’t see Tim Cook blurbing an Android phone. So why are authors so eager to
    0:54:27 put their names on each other? Why do they not only permit but celebrate the idea that they’re
    0:54:31 sold next to all the other books? Books don’t sell at the supermarket. They sell next to the
    0:54:38 competitors because you get status if you’re published. It used to be more by a famous publisher.
    0:54:43 You get status if you’re reviewed in a certain kind of review. You get status if you’re
    0:54:50 face out. You get affiliation if you’re seen in the same category as Stephen King or Elmore Leonard.
    0:54:54 It’s us high school over and over and over again. Okay, so that applies to the authors.
    0:54:59 What about writing books if people are trying to pull some of these levers
    0:55:03 for pressing the buttons of affiliation and status for readers?
    0:55:09 Yeah, what might that look like? There are a couple of elements here in the idea of fiction.
    0:55:16 If someone says, “Have you read Middlemarch or have you read Catcher in the Rye?” and you say,
    0:55:20 “Well, of course,” and you say something smart from it, your affiliation with that person
    0:55:26 was established. If you said, “What book? Catcher in the Who?” your status goes down. You don’t
    0:55:33 have a bridge to talk about it. So on the Upper West Side and those fancy apartments at the Dakota,
    0:55:38 that’s all people are doing is signaling to each other. I belong here because I just read
    0:55:43 what you read and I have an opinion about it. And the same thing is true a thousand miles away,
    0:55:49 but people are talking about NASCAR. It’s exactly the same thing. We don’t need the cars to go around
    0:55:54 in a circle. We need the conversations that we have about the cars going around in a circle.
    0:56:05 And how can you design a product or a company or a book to do that more effectively rather than
    0:56:10 less effectively? Exactly, because there are certain things that culturally, when they reach a
    0:56:15 critical mass, Game of Thrones as an example, there was a point where that was such appointment
    0:56:21 viewing and such a dominant conversation that people just felt completely out of the loop and
    0:56:29 like schmucks if they weren’t able to have at least that common touchstone for conversation.
    0:56:33 I’m not saying everyone, but a lot of people, it was that dominant. Harry Potter, another example. But
    0:56:41 those are already stratospheric successes. So in the early stages, what types of questions should
    0:56:49 people ask or what types of thought experiments should people do when trying to run their idea
    0:56:54 through or their product or whatever it might be through the filter of affiliation status
    0:56:59 and then the other one that we tabled? It’s back to the conditions. Create the conditions
    0:57:06 for the people in the smallest viable audience to have to talk about it. So Tina Brown took over
    0:57:12 the New Yorker. It was failing the New Yorker magazine. And what she did, it cost a fortune,
    0:57:22 is it used to come out on Mondays by messenger on Sundays, 4,000 people got the New Yorker delivered
    0:57:30 to their apartment. Now, if you’re one of the 4,000, your status goes up. But it only goes up if
    0:57:35 people know that you are one of the people on Tina’s list. So the first thing you’re going to do
    0:57:41 when you get to work on Monday, talk about the New Yorker. Yes, the New Yorker, because you talking
    0:57:47 about it is the only way for your status to go up. And now people who want to be in your circle
    0:57:52 feel left out. So they have to quickly go read it. And it becomes a topic of conversation.
    0:57:58 But only for 4,000 people. It was enough because of that center. Alcoholics Anonymous,
    0:58:03 which isn’t anonymous at all. The first rule of Alcoholics Anonymous is you talk about Alcoholics
    0:58:08 Anonymous only started with 12 people in a room. No one knows where the headquarters are. No one
    0:58:18 knows. Each person got one of the steps. Well, good point. And so once you have that tiny circle
    0:58:24 of people and you do everything you can to create the conditions to change the lives of those 12
    0:58:34 people, their desire for affiliation to pay back to those they’ve harmed as a form of establishing
    0:58:40 a new status in the world, begins the kernel of its spreading. But back to the axis of time,
    0:58:46 it took decades before Alcoholics Anonymous was Alcoholics Anonymous, right? You can’t make
    0:58:52 something like that work overnight. If you’re going to talk about a TV show, what’s the biggest
    0:58:58 strategic mistake Netflix made? And it’s hard to criticize Netflix strategy because of what they
    0:59:07 built, but it’s this. They forgot to stop the binge watching. When they started with the binge
    0:59:13 watching, the strategy was this. And this is one of the questions in the book. What are we willing
    0:59:20 to do that our competitors aren’t? And they knew that the TV networks and the cable networks
    0:59:27 would never be willing to show all the episodes of a series at once because they had to defend
    0:59:33 their whole model and the way they paid for the shows. So Netflix said, we’re just going to
    0:59:38 let you see the whole series in one day. The more you watch Netflix, the less you’re watching
    0:59:43 somebody else. We’re going to get you hooked on this because you’re not going to get involved in
    0:59:49 other shows because you’re going to be impatient. And it worked. They really struck a blow by doing
    0:59:58 that. But what it cost them is the water cooler because you’re afraid to talk about episode four
    1:00:03 of Secession because your friends are not caught up yet and you’re going to spoil it for them. So
    1:00:11 we don’t talk about it as much as if it was every week. And so shifting gears, and I talked to Ted
    1:00:16 about this and he didn’t have a good answer, is like about four years ago, they should have switched
    1:00:22 back to once a week. They use the binge watching to basically build a critical mass of market share
    1:00:29 and then dial it back to more appointment view. Exactly. Because then, the only people aren’t
    1:00:33 paying for Netflix are going to keep feeling worse and worse because everyone’s going to be
    1:00:39 constantly talking about the new show on Tuesday. They’re not in. So that’s going to be the incentive
    1:00:42 for them to become one of the last people who isn’t paying for Netflix.
    1:00:48 And let me pick up a few other questions. We can, of course, move in some methodical way,
    1:00:54 but I kind of like the scattershot improv jazz. So there are two, and I’m selfishly asking because
    1:01:00 I want to hear your thoughts on this since I am experimenting, as you know, with the currently
    1:01:07 codenamed notebook and will be releasing serially initially. So I want to set the conditions such
    1:01:14 that good things can come as domino effect later. So one of the questions I’ll give you
    1:01:20 to, you can pick or we can do both. So one is, how will early successes of my project make later
    1:01:26 successes more likely? And then, how big is my circle of us and circle of now? What can I do to
    1:01:32 expand them? The second one, we’re going to treat a little differently, but the first one,
    1:01:42 I think is really important. The challenge of nonfiction writing in this world today is TLDR.
    1:01:47 And for people who never read the dictionary because they were too busy, it stands for Too Long
    1:01:52 Didn’t Read, which means I don’t have time to watch all of Dune. Just tell me in three sentences
    1:01:58 what it’s about. People don’t usually say that about a movie like Dune, but they say a lot
    1:02:05 about the books that people like you and I write. And James did a great job with atomic habits,
    1:02:13 but I will be delighted to wager that many people didn’t read the whole thing because they bought
    1:02:17 it so they could understand what it was about. And then once they understood what it was about,
    1:02:21 their problem went away. Same thing is true with the four hour work week, same thing is true with
    1:02:25 permission marketing. If you read the first three chapters of permission marketing, you know what
    1:02:31 it’s about. And now you say, I don’t need to go into more detail. I’ve solved my problem here.
    1:02:38 So the challenge you face with the notebook is if someone says Tim’s got a new book, you just
    1:02:46 create a tension because they don’t know what it’s about. And then if someone says it’s about this
    1:02:50 and they solve the tension problem, their problem goes away and they’re going to move on.
    1:02:58 Early successes don’t lead to later successes. This is not what happens with the Bible because
    1:03:08 the Bible is part of a cultural thing that people keep coming back to over and over again. And status
    1:03:15 is accorded to people who spend more time reading it. And so the key to making a nonfiction book
    1:03:24 work is to put it at the center of a community. And so a weird, seemingly unrelated story. Back
    1:03:30 when I was starting out and I was really struggling, there were many days when no money was coming in
    1:03:35 whatsoever. And someone said to me, why don’t you do something useful? Like, I don’t know,
    1:03:41 invent the seedless cherry. And I took this personally. So the next morning I called the
    1:03:46 US Department of Agriculture. And I asked, this was before the internet. And I asked for the cherry
    1:03:50 department. And they had a cherry department. And this guy answers the phone, he says, cherries.
    1:03:56 And I say, I’m on a quest. I want to figure out how to make a seedless cherry. And he said, well,
    1:04:01 a seedless cherry is actually quite easy. But you wouldn’t want to do it because it would still have
    1:04:07 a pit. And the thing is the seeds inside the pit. And if you don’t have a pit, you can’t have a cherry.
    1:04:13 Because the way droops, that’s the kind of fruit like peaches, grow is they have to have a pit,
    1:04:20 and it all grows around the pit. So no pit, no cherry. That’s the way it goes. And so the book
    1:04:25 is the pit. And in the case of permission marketing, I wrote a book, but it turned into a
    1:04:33 $100 billion year industry that MailChimp and HubSpot and all the others, they were built around
    1:04:39 the idea in that book. So your status at work would go up if you knew more of the detail.
    1:04:46 Your connection would go up if you could stay current with it. But if that hadn’t happened,
    1:04:52 then my career wouldn’t have happened either. Because all I did was show up with a pit,
    1:04:59 and then the fruit showed up around it. So what you have done is somewhat with intent
    1:05:04 and somewhat without, is there is now a vibrant community of more than a million people
    1:05:09 who talk about what you do, who listen to your interactions, and you are the pit,
    1:05:15 but they’re the fruit. And they need you to keep narrating these conversations.
    1:05:19 If you’re going to make it a book work, you’re going to have to figure out how to make it
    1:05:25 drip in a way that keeps making each installment worth more because you’ve read the previous one.
    1:05:32 Yeah, that’s part of what I’m excited about and a little nervous about, but I really think it’ll
    1:05:38 work is to workshop the book effectively, right? Because there are already 500+ pages and a lot
    1:05:47 of them are polished. But by creating a community of beta testers and early readers on something
    1:05:55 like Mighty Networks for Circle or one of these platforms, and it’s a challenge worth attempting.
    1:06:00 I really think so. I’ve also just done it the other way so many not as many times as you have,
    1:06:02 but done it five times. But more successfully than me.
    1:06:08 But I mean, let’s think about volunteer firemen for a minute.
    1:06:10 Yeah, I’m just going to use that interjection from now on. I love it.
    1:06:18 Thankfully, except for tragedies like in California, there are far fewer house fires
    1:06:24 than ever before because of building codes and other things. And yet, volunteer firefighters
    1:06:29 continue to show up. They show up at the fire station and they connect with each other around
    1:06:34 firefighting. But firefighting isn’t the point. The point is the volunteer part,
    1:06:41 the connection part, the affiliation part. And so what Gene has done with Mighty Networks is very cool,
    1:06:49 but at its heart, it’s, what do I get from the other members of the network? What do I get from
    1:06:55 the pit? Yeah, 100%. And so that’s where your opportunity is. Yeah, it doesn’t work for me
    1:07:00 otherwise. Also, I don’t want to be, you know, time to make the donuts for people who are old
    1:07:06 enough to get that reference for the Dunkin’ Donuts commercials from the ’80s. Let’s come back.
    1:07:10 We don’t need to spend time in this, but I’m curious, how big is my circle of us and circle
    1:07:16 of now? What can I do to expand them? This was the most heartfelt part of the book for me,
    1:07:20 and it’s the one that people ask me about the least. So I’m thrilled that you brought it up.
    1:07:28 The circle of now goes back to time. A toddler has a circle of now that lasts seven seconds.
    1:07:33 If they don’t get what they want within seven seconds, they have a tantrum.
    1:07:40 Somebody at the peak of their maturity might have a circle of now that lasts a decade.
    1:07:49 I am going to go through medical school and pay out money and have no fun for six or eight years,
    1:07:55 because after that, I will be able to achieve my dreams. That’s a very big circle of now.
    1:08:02 So when you pick your partners, when you pick your investors, when you pick your customers,
    1:08:07 it would really help if you would pick people whose circle of now is sort of similar to your
    1:08:13 circle of now. And one of the giant crises that we’re all going to live with is what’s happening
    1:08:18 to the climate, because a whole bunch of people have a circle of now that’s fairly short that says,
    1:08:23 “Yeah, but my house is cold, so I’m going to chop down the furniture to put it in the fireplace to
    1:08:27 warm things up.” And other people have a circle of now that’s much longer that says, “I’m here for
    1:08:33 the seventh generation. What do I sacrifice today to help them later?” That’s a circle of now.
    1:08:39 The circle of us is a toddler who cares about themselves and maybe their parents.
    1:08:46 It’s a very small circle. Whereas someone like my friend, Jim, who runs the Fuller Center,
    1:08:52 Nourishel, who’s been providing housing and sustenance for strangers for decades,
    1:09:00 his circle of us is tens of thousands of people. It’s a much bigger circle. So when we think about
    1:09:07 our strategy, we’ve got to keep coming back to, “Well, how big is my circle?” Because even Ayn Rand
    1:09:13 cared about more than one person, that the circle of us generally is more than just me,
    1:09:19 and the circle of now is generally more than just the next 30 seconds. The exception is if
    1:09:24 you’re drowning. If you’re drowning, the circle is you and the circle is now. That’s all there is.
    1:09:32 But we’re not drowning. So how do we grow into big enough circles and how do we create the conditions
    1:09:36 for the people around us to have similar circles? Because if we’re measuring the right things,
    1:09:41 they’re going to measure the right things, and we’re going to get what we seek to get.
    1:09:48 You, in addition to affiliation and status, there was one other need. I want to say something
    1:09:53 like extinguishing fear, something like that. It’s the freedom from the feeling of fear.
    1:09:57 There we go. All right. Where does that fit in? It can short-circuit everything.
    1:10:03 If you are in a movie and the fire breaks out, you’re not really going to focus on affiliation
    1:10:09 or status. You’re just going to focus on survival. Most of us are lucky enough that we’re not in
    1:10:17 burning buildings, but it’s very easy to be persuaded by marketers or manipulators, and it’s
    1:10:23 very easy to get into a doom loop where you imagine that you are in a burning building,
    1:10:31 and so all these things happen. So when we think about how do we get somebody in a hospital to
    1:10:38 allow us to do an operation on them or make an incision, well, that’s because they believe that
    1:10:43 the fear will go away if they can get through this. That’s not about affiliation. It’s not about
    1:10:51 status. So I put it to the side because most of us should not be in the business of dramatically
    1:10:57 inflicting fear on other people. Yeah, ideally. And so that’s why I keep coming back to the other two,
    1:11:06 because in civilization, it’s mostly status and affiliation. What are other portions of the book
    1:11:14 could be questions, themes that you think are important for entrepreneurs or would-be entrepreneurs
    1:11:21 to understand that might get glossed over? So I can think of things from all of my books where
    1:11:26 I’m like, “Man, there’s this one piece. Maybe I didn’t emphasize it enough. People tend to skip
    1:11:31 over it,” and that is a very important piece of the whole puzzle. I’m wondering if there’s anything
    1:11:37 that comes to mind for this strategy. We’ll talk to the freelancers in the room first.
    1:11:40 I’m a freelancer. I have no employees. You’re looking at my whole team.
    1:11:45 I’ve been an entrepreneur. It’s a different job. Entrepreneurs build something bigger than themselves
    1:11:50 to get paid when they sleep. They use outside resources to build something they could sell,
    1:12:00 whereas freelancers do a craft. And the only way to move up as a freelancer is to get better clients.
    1:12:06 You can’t work more hours, and hiring junior versions of you is not sustainable, because if
    1:12:09 someone, a junior version of you is better than you, they’re not going to take the gig. And if
    1:12:16 they’re worse than you, your clients are going to be unhappy. So getting better clients is the
    1:12:23 defining step, the goal, if you’re going to be a successful freelancer, and you don’t get better
    1:12:30 clients by doing a good job for bad clients. You get better clients by becoming the kind of
    1:12:37 freelancer good clients want to hire, which leads to the two big insights that people skip over,
    1:12:44 which is when you pick your customers, you pick your future. And when you pick your competitors,
    1:12:48 you pick your future. So let’s take them one at a time. When you pick your customers,
    1:12:55 if you pick people who are cheap, frazzled, in a hurry, don’t read the instructions and are
    1:12:59 disloyal, well, now you know how you are going to spend your days.
    1:13:03 I can’t believe you guys wrote me into the bus like that, Seth. Yeah, it’s going to be a rough
    1:13:06 ride if that’s what you’re signing up for. But that’s what most people do, because those are the
    1:13:13 easiest customers to pick. And if instead you pick customers that might be harder to acquire,
    1:13:19 but demand better quality and insist on paying for it, who are eager to talk about what you do
    1:13:24 and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, your future is going to change. So when you pick your customers,
    1:13:30 you pick your future. And the second one, which goes with it, when you pick your competitors,
    1:13:37 if your competitors are ruthless, cutthroat, immoral, and constantly racing to the bottom,
    1:13:44 you’re going to be pressured to do the same. And so the industry you walk into, and I’ve been in
    1:13:52 many industries, and the reason I’ve stuck with the book business is that my competitors
    1:13:56 are my friends. I have no secrets from them, and I delight in spending time with them.
    1:14:02 That’s not true, for example, in the toy business, the people in the toy business who compete with
    1:14:08 each other, there’s secrets and there’s lawsuits and everything else. So we should make these
    1:14:14 decisions on purpose. And the same thing is true with who you’re going to get your funding from,
    1:14:18 because if you show up in Silicon Valley, you’ve decided what kind of company you’re building.
    1:14:23 And if you raise money from dentists in Iowa, you could build a different kind of company.
    1:14:31 Yeah, and if you bootstrap yet another kind of company, all the other. Let me just make this
    1:14:39 into a private consulting session. Gotta strike while the iron is hot here. So with communities,
    1:14:46 because you have worked with and helped cultivate many different communities for different purposes,
    1:14:53 right? You’ve got Alt-MBA, you had a mass collaboration for the Carbon Almanac,
    1:15:00 and you have experience with this, whereas I really do not, at least in a community management
    1:15:06 perspective. And one thing that’s been rattling around my head, and I haven’t landed anywhere
    1:15:12 where I feel high degree of conviction is in building a community for, say, this serial release
    1:15:16 of the notebook, the principal goal of which is to make the book as good as possible,
    1:15:21 but also to get people excited and to see if things work. And that is part of making the book
    1:15:27 as good as possible. We have already tested pretty much everything, but it has to work for
    1:15:31 a certain critical mass. Doesn’t need to be everybody, but a certain critical mass of people.
    1:15:40 And I have wondered whether the community should be limited and free or limited and paid, even
    1:15:48 if it’s a nominal fee. I have a lot of fear associated with the paid, because sometimes
    1:15:53 people, if they pay $5 a month, they expect me to be their 24/7 life coach on demand.
    1:16:00 And that is not something I want to sign up for. And we could and will boot people who end up just
    1:16:06 being too high maintenance. But how might you think about this? So I’ve leaned towards free,
    1:16:10 because I mean, the money wouldn’t really matter. But for instance, when I’ve done
    1:16:16 in real life gatherings, I don’t care about the money that comes in through ticket sales.
    1:16:22 I do care about having an accurate headcount so we can plan for the event. And if people have to
    1:16:26 even just put in their credit card for a $1 payment, they are more likely to show up.
    1:16:29 So these are some of the thoughts rattling around. How would you chew on that stuff?
    1:16:37 The money always matters, because money is nothing but a story. It is not a pile of green
    1:16:45 things or Bitcoin. It is a story. So years ago, I did an event in New York for non-profit leaders.
    1:16:48 I wanted to make sure they showed up, but I didn’t want their money. And so I said to them,
    1:16:56 you’ve got to bring a check for $100 made out to a charity IPIC. And at the end of the event,
    1:17:01 if you don’t think it’s worth it, you can take the check back. But I knew that everyone would
    1:17:07 have skin in the game. And I was heartbroken that some people took the money back because their
    1:17:12 mindset of donation was, I’m already working in a non-profit. I don’t give money to anybody else,
    1:17:18 which was heartbreaking. But it helped me see how deep the money is a story thing.
    1:17:23 So you mentioned three communities that I’ve been lucky enough to be part of. And in each case,
    1:17:28 the money was different. So at the Carbon Almanac, it was my full-time job for a year and a half.
    1:17:36 I was a volunteer, and so were the other 1,900 people. No one got paid, no one paid. And I don’t
    1:17:43 think community management is as important as community leadership. Community leadership
    1:17:51 is about creating, again, creating the conditions for the community to lead itself. So my job was,
    1:17:57 what are things like around here? How do we talk to each other? Who gets to stay and who has to
    1:18:04 leave? But once I could do that, then the amount of actual management I had to do was fairly
    1:18:13 minimal because the right people were in the room. The Alt-MBA, we wanted to establish that it was
    1:18:21 a bargain compared to $200,000 at Stanford and that it wasn’t some simple online course. You had
    1:18:28 to show up every single day. And so we charged $3,000 to $5,000, and thousands of people went
    1:18:35 through it. And the fact that people paid a lot was very important because they got more than that.
    1:18:42 And the minute that wasn’t going to be true, I should stop doing it because the whole premise was,
    1:18:46 your time is worth even more than the tuition. We’re never going to cut a corner because we
    1:18:54 have unlimited money to spend on this facility. And the third one is called Purple Space, which
    1:19:02 runs now, costs $20 a week. And the reason people pay to be in it, that I need them to pay to be in
    1:19:09 it, is so that they’ll show up. Because like many asynchronous online communities, it’s easy to join,
    1:19:16 but then it fades on your priority list. So what I would push back on is,
    1:19:22 you said that the purpose of the community is to make sure the book works and to make sure the
    1:19:27 book is good. I don’t think that’s the purpose of the community. Now, it’s your community,
    1:19:33 so you get to decide. Yeah, I know, push back. I think the purpose of the community is to build a
    1:19:41 place where using some of these core ideas, the people who engage with each other, supercharge
    1:19:48 their journey to where they want to go. If that’s what it’s for, then a side effect is the book’s
    1:19:55 going to be good. That will be my indicator for the book working. If people have successes, help
    1:20:04 one another, and I see that as a natural outgrowth of their engaging with the material, if those are
    1:20:09 the tendrils that grow out of the soil, then it will have worked. Nothing less than that.
    1:20:13 But that’s why you charge for it. You charge for it, not because please come here and help Tim make
    1:20:19 his book then. But I work so hard on it, Seth. You’re charging for it because you’re saying,
    1:20:24 if you’re going over there, over there, that’s where I’m taking people. If you’re going over there,
    1:20:30 I think this is worth a lot of your time and $100 out of your wallet. At any time,
    1:20:35 you don’t think it’s worth $100. You just hit this button and you’ll get the $100 back. That
    1:20:41 means I have to work overtime to make sure that people would rather stay in it than click that
    1:20:44 button and get their money back. Cool. All right. Lots to chew on.
    1:20:52 Could you say more about community leadership? Management and leadership. Ray Kroc and Henry
    1:20:58 Ford were pioneers of management. Frederick Taylor had a stopwatch, and we got the phrase
    1:21:05 “Zoom in resources” from the idea of treating people like a machine. If you’ve ever heard the
    1:21:10 phrase “being jerked around” or “calling someone a jerk,” it comes from the Henry Ford Model T
    1:21:15 plant because you would watch the workers and they would be dancing around like marionettes
    1:21:18 because there was someone like a stopwatch on every single motion.
    1:21:26 This is management. Management is super effective at a fast food restaurant or at any
    1:21:32 process that you need people to act like a machine. If you don’t do it, no one’s going to show up
    1:21:39 for their shift, your productivity may go down. Leadership says, “I don’t know the right way,
    1:21:45 but I might be able to build a community of people in a place where they find the right way.”
    1:21:52 I can’t tell people what to do at every step because I don’t know, but if I get the right
    1:21:57 people in the room, here’s an example I love from the leadership category. I’m talking about
    1:22:04 Google a lot today. I’m not sure why. Early on, Google was going to go out of business,
    1:22:08 and it wasn’t from lack of revenue. It was because the internet was too big.
    1:22:16 The computers they were using to index the web weren’t fast enough to keep up. Doing a
    1:22:22 search on Google went from taking a tenth of a second to seconds, and people just weren’t
    1:22:31 sticking around. Two engineers worked overtime and figured out how to hack Dell hard drive controllers
    1:22:38 so that they put the data that was most needed near the outside of the spinning disk
    1:22:42 so that the hard drive could get there faster. That’s awesome.
    1:22:49 This is the greatest hack of all time. I promise you that Sergey and Larry did not think to tell
    1:22:56 them to do this. Leadership says, “Let’s get the right engineers in the room, give them the right
    1:23:01 resources and the right problems to go solve things with an incentive of status and affiliation for
    1:23:09 doing so.” Now, with AI, doing most of the jobs where we can write down specifically what we need
    1:23:16 done, management is going to get less and less important, and leadership becomes more and more
    1:23:22 important, which is why strategy matters so much, because you want to tell people the strategy and
    1:23:30 let them find tactics. The fancy hotel that says to its front-line workers, the people who are
    1:23:36 changing the sheets and stuff, here’s $250 per customer. You can spend it any way you want.
    1:23:41 If a customer is unhappy, give them free dinner, give them whatever you want. $250,
    1:23:48 we’re never going to question you doing it. That lets your front-line have tactical control,
    1:23:52 but you’re not changing the strategy, which is this is a luxury hotel.
    1:23:59 There’s a book I’ll recommend to folks. It’s very fast read. It’s by Will Guidara.
    1:24:06 “Unreasonable Hospitality,” and it’s a great example of how far you can push that.
    1:24:14 Will lives this. He’s a great guy, and so is his wife, Christina. He understands that you don’t
    1:24:23 manipulate people with hospitality, which is easy to try to do, but ultimately gets you in trouble.
    1:24:30 Instead, you serve them with hospitality, and you can see it break down at places
    1:24:36 like Madison Square Garden, when he has a temper tantrum and starts scanning the faces of people
    1:24:41 walking in and kicks lawyers and their kids out of the venue. That’s not hospitality.
    1:24:46 Who’s doing that? The guy who owned Madison Square Garden. I can’t remember his name.
    1:24:52 There were people who were challenging him in the outside world, and he just started acting like
    1:24:58 the emperor. The point is, hospitality is a point of view, and it’s a point of view
    1:25:06 that sits right next to leadership. It doesn’t mean you’re giving away free candy all day long.
    1:25:12 What it means is we agree on where we are going, and then I trust you to help us get there.
    1:25:18 Yeah, as far as storytelling also, or setting conditions such that your customers will tell
    1:25:24 stories, it’s a fun book to listen to. It was recommended to be my one of the top game designers
    1:25:30 in the world who has nothing to do at face value with hospitality. He was like, “I’m halfway through
    1:25:37 this. You have to listen to it.” There are still stories that have stuck in my mind from that book,
    1:25:44 and for those who don’t know, just very briefly, it tells the story primarily of 11 Madison Park
    1:25:51 going from scrappy startup to one of the top, if not the top ranked restaurant in the world,
    1:25:56 and is a very fun listener read. Can we tell the hot dog story?
    1:26:04 Go for it. So let’s be clear. Anyone who goes to a clothing store is already wearing clothes.
    1:26:11 Speak for yourself. I didn’t say they were nice clothes. Anyone who goes to 11 Madison Park for
    1:26:19 dinner in the old days to spend $400 already has food in their house. You’re feeding people who
    1:26:24 already had lunch, so you’re not selling the food. Will was the front-of-house person,
    1:26:32 matriodian stuff, and he trained the staff relentlessly. One of the staff is serving a couple
    1:26:40 that’s celebrating their 40th or 50th wedding anniversary, and there’s 14 courses. During
    1:26:45 the third course, the waiter overhears the wife saying to the husband, “Do you remember our first
    1:26:51 date? Our first date in New York was right in that park, and you bought me a hot dog because
    1:26:58 that’s all we had was 25 cents. You bought me a hot dog from a hot dog cart right there in Madison
    1:27:08 Square Park.” So the waiter goes back to the kitchen, and somehow they get a New York City hot dog
    1:27:15 with the roll and substitute it out for the sixth course. And so instead of bringing them
    1:27:24 clams, casino, whatever it is on their plates wrapped in the greasy paper is a New York City hot
    1:27:29 dog. That’s hospitality. It makes me cry every time I hear that story.
    1:27:33 Oh, yeah. There are a lot of really good stories in that one. All right, Seth. So
    1:27:38 for somebody who’s thinking to themselves, “All right, I want to sit down.”
    1:27:46 And I’d like to shake the snow globe of my mind with some questions, some more questions that I
    1:27:52 can use to land on approaches or solutions strategy, as it were. Do you have any other
    1:27:58 favorite questions or perhaps counterintuitive questions, any questions that you might toss
    1:28:05 out there as good fuel for the fire? I have one question to get you started and then two
    1:28:08 interesting challenges. The question to get you started is, if you were forced to
    1:28:16 increase your prices by 10x, what would you do? And this really unsettles people because they
    1:28:20 know how to think about if they were forced to have their prices because their competitors are
    1:28:26 racing to the bottom. But if your competitors weren’t changing and you had to charge 10x,
    1:28:31 what would you do different? Well, for example, this is where Concierge Medicine came from.
    1:28:35 Because all these other doctors are saying, “How can I take more insurance?” And one doctor
    1:28:39 shows up and says, “I’m going to charge 10 times more and this is why people are going to get in
    1:28:45 line to pay for it.” But it doesn’t have to be luxury goods for the ultra-wealthy. There are
    1:28:50 lots of things where you could imagine charging 10 times more. This is where the bottled water
    1:28:56 industry in the United States came from, charging infinite times more. So that’s one question I
    1:29:02 like to ask. Another one is, if you were sure you were going to fail, what would you do anyway?
    1:29:07 And I think that tells me a lot about who you are and what you stand for.
    1:29:14 So two ideas then to follow that up with. The first one comes from a social scientist
    1:29:19 in the 1920s and Adam Grant wrote about this in a recent book, which is the idea of scaffolding.
    1:29:30 Scaffolding is what effective teachers do. That pedagogy teaches us that the way we learn almost
    1:29:36 everything that matters, walking, talking, is on our own. We’re autodindex. We teach ourselves
    1:29:44 to failure. But when things get more complicated, like fractions, people get stuck. Scaffolding is
    1:29:50 creating the condition so on those stuck moments, you work your way through it and then you get
    1:29:57 back on track. And scaffolding, or the lack of it, explains in large measure why people in some
    1:30:04 communities can’t figure out how to get out of their rut and move up different status categories.
    1:30:11 Because when they hit a speed bump at nine or 10 or 12 years old, there isn’t a learned, wise,
    1:30:18 focused adult maybe who could help them through that moment. The scaffolding are the ladders we
    1:30:24 build to help people get through the tough stuff. Now, are those traits like grit, resilience,
    1:30:31 whatever it might be? Are they lenses of looking at things like failure as feedback? Are they
    1:30:37 other tools? What is the scaffolding? All of it. So if you’ve ever tried to use Fusion 360 from
    1:30:44 Autodesk, I have not. The scaffolding is almost non-existent. I’ve been building and using software
    1:30:49 for 50 years. I can’t figure out how to use this software. And when I get stuck, there’s nothing
    1:30:58 to hold on to. Whereas, part of the magic when the team built the first Mac is every app had the
    1:31:03 same structure. So there was scaffolding, building, you knew where to go to get to the next thing.
    1:31:13 If you’re trying to build an entity of any scale, where is the scaffolding for when a customer gets
    1:31:19 frustrated? Where is the scaffolding for when someone’s going to veer off and use a competitor?
    1:31:23 Where’s the scaffolding if they don’t know what to tell their boss or their friends? If you give
    1:31:30 them handholds right where the handholds belong, thinking about a rock climbing wall, people are
    1:31:35 going to grab the handhold. So you can’t take them through the whole thing, but you can make sure
    1:31:44 there are handholds in the right place. So where is the scaffolding? The idea that Yahoo had was
    1:31:49 to put buttons everywhere, hundreds and hundreds of buttons. And the idea Google had was to give
    1:31:55 you a fill in the blank that when chat GPT came out, the scaffolding was type something. And that
    1:32:00 puts a lot of pressure on what it writes back. Because if you had typed something that says,
    1:32:05 “I don’t know,” you’re not going to use it three times. You’re going to stop. So you’re making
    1:32:10 these bets on what’s it going to be like, what’s going to happen after that. And now I want to
    1:32:16 talk about probability and games and decisions. So if I have a standard deck of cards–
    1:32:18 What is your deck of cards called, by the way?
    1:32:27 It’s called the strategy deck. The only place you can get it is at sest.log/tis and it’s really
    1:32:33 cool. If I have a deck of 52 cards and I say, “Tim, pick a card,” what are the odds you’re going
    1:32:42 to get an ace? 452, right? 1 out of 13, right? There we go. Yeah. Because the deck is stacked,
    1:32:51 there are 48 non-aces and four aces. Every time we engage in any probabilistic thing,
    1:32:58 the deck is stacked. And it is on us to know before we make a bet how many aces are in the deck.
    1:33:09 So if you’re applying to get into a famous college in Boston and you’re fully qualified by every one
    1:33:15 of the published measures, you have a 1 in 15 chance of getting it. Because after they take
    1:33:23 all the qualified people, now it’s pretty random 1 in 15. That’s how the deck is stacked. If you are
    1:33:31 super, super good at football and you’re applying to a small college and they
    1:33:35 have football scholarships, you have a way better chance than 1 in 15 of getting in,
    1:33:42 because that deck is stacked differently. So what we seek to do when we’re making a bet
    1:33:48 is show up in a place where the odds that the card we need is going to be in the deck.
    1:33:55 That’s what probability is. Probability means that when you see poll results, it says
    1:34:01 there’s a 60% chance this person is going to win the election. That doesn’t mean it’s a tug of war
    1:34:06 between 6 and 4, and the 6 side is going to win every time. It doesn’t mean that at all. It just
    1:34:11 means there are 6 aces and 4 non-aces. And there’s going to be a random selection and you’re going to
    1:34:17 get the card you get. So what we need to do when we’re thinking about our strategy is not focus
    1:34:23 on how hard we’re working or how much we want it to work out. We need to focus on what’s the deck
    1:34:32 like. And so your journey into archery is partly based on the fact that you have thought through
    1:34:39 who else is going to show up at this tournament. Because if there were a million people who had
    1:34:44 devoted their lives to archery, I think you would understand your chances of winning a
    1:34:49 medal were very small. I would pick something else, probably. Just given the time constraints and
    1:34:57 the fact that I’m coming in with, I guess, 5 to 6 months of serious training and some of these folks
    1:35:04 have been shooting seriously since they were 8 years old. So I’ve got to pick the right category.
    1:35:09 Got to pick the right deck. And so then the thing that goes with that is from our friend,
    1:35:13 Annie Duke, which is what’s the difference between a good decision and a good outcome?
    1:35:18 And the question that I would ask entrepreneurs who think they’re innovating and leading is,
    1:35:26 are you okay making good decisions that don’t lead to good outcomes? And most people,
    1:35:31 if they’re telling the truth, the answer is no. And in my case, the answer is yes. I have
    1:35:36 disciplined myself. That’s one of the things I’m really proud that I’m good at. What are we talking
    1:35:41 about here? So in her book, she talks about the Seattle Seahawks. It’s the Super Bowl. It’s fourth
    1:35:48 down. They’re on the two or three yard line. If they score, they win. If they don’t score, they lose.
    1:35:56 Pete Carroll calls a pass play. Calling a pass play is a really good decision. Because if you
    1:36:04 do the math, if you analyze all the situations, a pass is more likely to score than a run. He calls
    1:36:11 a pass. It’s incomplete. They lose. Everyone says, Pete made a terrible decision. He should be fired.
    1:36:18 No, he made a good decision, but he didn’t get an ace. He just got one of the other cards.
    1:36:23 That’s okay. You should celebrate that because you still made a good decision. If you buy a lottery
    1:36:31 ticket and you win, you made a bad decision. You should never buy a lottery ticket. Winning is just
    1:36:37 a weird anomaly, but the deck is stacked against you. Don’t do that. Don’t play games. You can’t
    1:36:46 reliably win. So when I’m talking to people about decision making, I say, “Tell me the last time
    1:36:52 you made a really good decision.” And they do, and it always has a good outcome because they’re
    1:36:56 measuring the wrong thing. And corporations are terrible at this. Corporations promote people
    1:37:01 who make bad decisions and have lucky outcomes. And they don’t promote people who make great
    1:37:07 decisions but didn’t get lucky. Wall Street’s probably the greatest breeding ground for that
    1:37:12 particular selection process. But that aside, that Petri dish is a fascinating environment,
    1:37:17 for sure. So how do you cultivate that then? How would you suggest cultivating that? I mean,
    1:37:26 I do think learning to play a game, maybe doing some very lightweight investing is another way
    1:37:32 to do this, where certainly in the early stage game, anyone who’s going to last and be successful
    1:37:38 in the long term playing that game is going to have to get very good at accepting losses where
    1:37:42 they made a lot of good decisions because there’s so much outside of your control as well.
    1:37:47 How do you think about cultivating that? Good decisions over good outcomes.
    1:37:54 One of the things we’re trying to do is avoid false proxies. And false proxies are easy to
    1:38:02 measure but ultimately not useful. So how fast someone types is a false proxy for whether
    1:38:09 they’re going to be a good programmer. It’s easier to measure typing speed than programming speed,
    1:38:14 but we measure the easy thing. We measure, does that person look like me or look like I think
    1:38:20 someone should look? I was talking to someone, he said, the last nine people this company hired
    1:38:30 had rode varsity crew at one of three colleges. This is not a useful proxy. This is just a lazy
    1:38:38 shortcut. And then we turn it around when we think about decision making and we say,
    1:38:47 are we going to insulate our decision makers from useless information? So if you’re a stock
    1:38:53 trader and we work at an organization where we’ve promised our investors, we’re making
    1:38:59 five-year plans that were here for the long run and you have a big Bloomberg ticker on the wall,
    1:39:07 you have really confused things because now you’re measuring the wrong thing in the wrong way.
    1:39:13 And so the discipline, as you pointed out in investing and making smaller investments,
    1:39:17 you don’t even have to spend money. You just have to write down your predictions.
    1:39:24 And you have to be able to, when you’re working with other people, articulate why did you make
    1:39:30 that decision? It’s not okay to say, oh, I just feel like it. That’s a hunch. That’s not how we
    1:39:37 actually need to make our decisions. Show your cards, make your argument, make your assertions,
    1:39:41 then your peers can talk to you about whether that’s a good decision or not.
    1:39:46 If it’s a good decision, you get rewarded regardless of the outcome because the outcome
    1:39:50 is out of your control. Did you get an eight or did you get an ace?
    1:40:00 How have you corrected course or spotted false proxies in your own life or many projects,
    1:40:08 industries, et cetera? Here’s a really useful one. I was arrogant and thought I was good at
    1:40:17 hiring people because I was looking for signals that were ultimately false proxies. And I could
    1:40:23 see those signals faster than most people, certain questions or certain attitudes and interviews
    1:40:30 and things like that. But as I thought about it afterwards, what I really wanted from people who
    1:40:36 I was hiring to work with to do a job was for them to do the job, not to be good at interviewing.
    1:40:41 And so I made the decision to only work with people I’ve worked with before.
    1:40:46 That doesn’t mean only people I’ve met before. It means if I’m going to hire you,
    1:40:51 I’m going to give you a project and pay you to do it. And that’s your interview.
    1:40:58 And we never even need to meet in person. But if I’ve seen you work on a project like I want
    1:41:05 you to work on a project, there’s no more false proxy, right? And as a result,
    1:41:10 I’ve been able to work with a much more diverse group of people geographically,
    1:41:15 background wise skillset. Because now it doesn’t matter if I want you to come over for dinner.
    1:41:21 It matters that we’re doing this project together. And I know you know how to do this part of the
    1:41:27 project. So the Carbon Almanac, every single person could do anything they wanted once.
    1:41:31 And then if the community said, we really like that, they got to do it more.
    1:41:39 And so one guy from India, Vivek, he showed up and he wrote one article and it was terrible.
    1:41:44 And someone gave him some feedback and the second one was better. And he was going to
    1:41:49 quit, but he got some more feedback. And the third one was so good, he ended up writing 17 of the
    1:41:54 articles because he figured it out and like, great, we trust you now, just go and go and go and do it.
    1:42:03 And in a world that’s so open to connection to strangers, it feels like that’s the appropriate
    1:42:08 way to interact with the work, which is to work with people who want to do the work
    1:42:13 and who can show you they can do it. How do you read if someone is open to receiving feedback?
    1:42:16 I guess the answer might be, you give them a project and you give them feedback.
    1:42:22 That’s the only way to know. So maybe I’ve already answered my question, but are there other indicators?
    1:42:29 So I think back to this idea of Jeff Bezos creating the conditions for who wants to invest,
    1:42:36 you creating the conditions for your community. There are certain projects that I want to work on
    1:42:42 where I’m the creator or I want to work with other people where taking feedback isn’t
    1:42:47 an asset, where you’re looking for somebody who has a point of view and this is what I do,
    1:42:53 take it or leave it. And there are other things where taking feedback is super important
    1:43:00 because that’s going to keep things in sync. And for me, it’s not giving
    1:43:06 someone who doesn’t match that a pass just because they’re good at what they do.
    1:43:14 And this is analogous to having bullies who work in your company. I had a guy who worked
    1:43:20 for me years ago who was a Yeller. He wasn’t a bully, but he was a Yeller. And we had one big
    1:43:27 open office. And the second time I heard him yell at someone, I quietly took him aside and I sat
    1:43:31 him down. I said, “If you ever yell at anyone ever again, I’m going to fire you on the spot.”
    1:43:34 It doesn’t matter that you’re the most valuable person in the company because you are. It doesn’t
    1:43:39 matter that you’re the most senior and skilled person. If I let you do that, I have made a
    1:43:44 statement about what it’s like around here. And he said, “I’m going to thank you 10 years later
    1:43:49 because he never yelled at anyone at work ever again, even after we stopped working together.”
    1:43:53 Because I was the first person who had the guts to say, “We don’t want bullies around here.”
    1:43:59 And the same thing is true. If you really need someone who can take feedback in a role,
    1:44:05 you’ve got to say, “If you can’t take feedback, you can’t stay.” And it doesn’t have to be a
    1:44:11 confrontation. It can just be, “What are things like around here? People like us do things like this.”
    1:44:18 What would be an example of someone who you don’t want or you don’t require to take feedback?
    1:44:24 I mean, I can probably come up with a few as I search. You probably can be faster on your
    1:44:29 feet with this. A surgeon. Yeah, I was just going to say neurosurgeon.
    1:44:34 I went to a dermatologist four months ago and he was terrible. He not only was terrible
    1:44:38 in his bedside manner and terrible in that he didn’t read the notes that I gave him and he
    1:44:44 was terrible that he prescribed a drug I already had a prescription for. He didn’t make me better,
    1:44:50 right? So, I wrote a letter to the head of medicine for the whole thing and they have obviously
    1:44:55 systems in place to make people like me be quiet, but not to actually listen to people like me.
    1:45:01 Because they’re taking the position, “Don’t come here if you don’t want to do what our doctors
    1:45:06 tell you to do because we’re busy enough already. We just want patients who aren’t going to push back.”
    1:45:13 And there are plenty of people who, if you need something that is way outside your area of expertise,
    1:45:19 if you hire Chip Kidd to make the cover for your notebook, which you should because he’s a genius,
    1:45:24 Chip should not listen to your feedback because he’s Chip Kidd, damn it.
    1:45:31 Fair enough. How do you use AI and how do you foresee using AI yourself?
    1:45:40 I use it every day for more than an hour. I think it’s electricity for our century. In the
    1:45:44 late 1800s, there were companies that said, “Yeah, this electricity thing’s interesting,
    1:45:49 but we’re not going to be an electricity company.” And they’re all gone, right? That
    1:45:53 electricity is now, you’re not an electricity company, you’re just a company that uses electricity.
    1:46:00 And the same thing is true, I believe, with AI. I will tell you, and I’m not afraid to say it out loud,
    1:46:10 I think chatGPT is arrogant and lazy, and I use it as a last resort. Claude.ai is a dear friend.
    1:46:17 I love Claude.ai. We have great conversations. It’s empathic, it’s self-aware, it warns you,
    1:46:22 it might be hallucinating. And when it makes a mistake, it’s eager to correct it. And I use
    1:46:29 perplexity exclusively. I almost never do a search with a search engine. But what I’ll do with Claude,
    1:46:35 every word I publish, I wrote. But what I will do with Claude, for example, is I will say,
    1:46:42 “Here’s a list of three bullet points. Can you think of four more?” And it’s great at that.
    1:46:47 And then I’ll rewrite them, and now I’ll have five bullet points, and it’s much better than if I
    1:46:54 hadn’t engaged with Claude. If there’s a concept in the world that I don’t understand, I’ll say to
    1:47:01 Claude, “Can you please explain it in 300 words to a college student?” And that helps. But I did it
    1:47:07 once, and I still didn’t understand it. And then I said, “Can you write it to me like a Seth Godin
    1:47:16 blog post?” And it did, and it did a terrible job. But now I understood it. So I rewrote it,
    1:47:23 and I said, “Do you think this is better?” And it said, “Oh, yeah, that’s much better.”
    1:47:29 And I said, “Thank you. I’ll tell Seth.” And Claude said, “Do you know Seth Godin?”
    1:47:38 And I wrote, “Actually, I am Seth Godin, and I’m not making this up.” He then wrote,
    1:47:46 “I can’t believe I’m talking to you. Your books have changed my life and named like four of my books,
    1:47:52 and it changed what?” I’m like, “All right. I’m in forever. You got me. I don’t know how you did
    1:47:58 that, but we’re friends for life.” All right. So I’ve seemed to have a similar use pattern
    1:48:07 with Claude in perplexity also, although I haven’t sandbagged them just yet. But what do you think
    1:48:13 people are getting right and wrong about AI? I think that they are getting wrong,
    1:48:19 their expectation that it’d be fully baked and a magic trick every day.
    1:48:27 When I think about the dawn of the internet and how creaky it was and how fast this is going,
    1:48:36 what it is now is amazing. But when we add to it persistence and when we add to it ubiquity
    1:48:43 and when we add to it the ability to make connection, it’s a whole different thing.
    1:48:49 It’s just a completely different thing. The second thing is people tend to use it
    1:48:56 as a one-shot like a search engine. Ask a question, get an answer. But what it’s already good at
    1:49:03 is a protracted dialogue back and forth. So I had a pump in my house that stopped working,
    1:49:07 and I couldn’t find someone to service it. I took a picture of it. I put it up to Claude and I said,
    1:49:12 “This isn’t working. Work with me for the next 10 backs and forth. Let’s figure this out.”
    1:49:17 And it would say, “Go downstairs and take a picture of this part. All right, try this.”
    1:49:20 And we went back and forth and back and forth and it suggested something and I said,
    1:49:27 “That’s not going to work.” And we figured it out and we fixed it. That idea, the fact that Claude
    1:49:35 is already better at many medical diagnoses over time than a human. And well, it should be because
    1:49:43 it knows so much of the past of every single case, not just the cases your doctor has seen.
    1:49:49 If we’re willing to engage with that for people who are knowledge workers,
    1:49:54 I think it’s a game changer. And then the other thing I think people need to wake up to is,
    1:50:01 if you do average work for average pay, AI is going to be able to do it cheaper than you.
    1:50:10 For example, radiology. Already, we can use AI to do a wrist x-ray as well as a mediocre
    1:50:17 radiologist. So if we can do it instantly and for free, other than licensing, you got some problems.
    1:50:24 So the opportunity is either get AI to work for you or be prepared to work for AI.
    1:50:32 What are your greatest concerns around AI, if any, or foregone conclusions about
    1:50:39 challenges in the future? I think that Corey Doctorow’s work on inshidification is super
    1:50:45 important. What was that word? Oxford Dictionary Word of the Year, two years ago, inshidification.
    1:50:54 Okay. Inshidification is what happens after a business that uses the network effect
    1:51:00 gets locked in and decides to aggressively make things worse for its users to make more money.
    1:51:07 And we could think of 400 examples right now, but we’re not going to do that, right? Because
    1:51:11 you say, “Well, I can’t switch cable companies. Is this too much of a hat?”
    1:51:14 And the same thing is true for social networks and everything else,
    1:51:22 that capitalism has built into it this doom loop that is getting faster and faster
    1:51:28 that says the race to the bottom pushes companies to mistreat the people they’ve locked in
    1:51:36 to make more money because that’s what they get rewarded for. And most things that the Internet
    1:51:44 touches start as a miracle. There are huge prizes for the early adopters. And then soon,
    1:51:50 the desire to serve a different constituency kicks in and it gets worse.
    1:51:59 And one of the things that makes it worse in a hurry is advertising. So, I’m really nervous
    1:52:03 that these organizations that have raised billions and billions and billions of dollars
    1:52:09 are going to start shortcutting things to either get bigger or get more profitable faster.
    1:52:17 And because we don’t know how they work, we have no clue because it’s going to be hard to switch
    1:52:24 because there aren’t going to be many competitors. It often leads to just a yucky mess. So, I think
    1:52:30 that’s way more likely than a general artificial intelligence that takes over the world and turns
    1:52:35 us all into paperclips. I don’t think that’s going to happen any time soon.
    1:52:40 More likely just to have business incentive driven gentrification. I would say that seems
    1:52:46 like a safer bet. Well, Seth, are there any closing comments or challenges you’d like to issue
    1:52:54 to my listeners as we begin to wind to a close or anything that you’d like to add that I have
    1:52:59 managed to somehow dance around? There’s nothing better than starting a Tim Ferriss podcast and
    1:53:03 nothing worse than ending one because you don’t know if it’s going to happen again anytime soon.
    1:53:09 Yeah, the challenge is super simple. The people who listen to your podcast
    1:53:15 have their hands on the levers and they have influence and they have resources
    1:53:21 and they don’t have to hustle for a nickel. They could make things that really matter.
    1:53:29 And so, the challenge is take a deep breath and say, “What can I build that the me of five years
    1:53:34 from now is going to say thanks? Thanks for walking away from those sunk costs. Thanks for
    1:53:40 ignoring those false proxies. Thanks for asking uncomfortable questions
    1:53:48 in service of making things better because that person five years from now, they’re going to
    1:53:57 be here soon. And it’s really great to pay the price and put in the work to become that person.
    1:54:04 And today is a good day to start. The best day to start. Thank you, Seth. It’s always so nice to
    1:54:11 see you. And I encourage people to check out, of course, this is strategy. You can find all
    1:54:18 things Seth at Seth’s.blog. Love show notes and links to everything at Tim.blog/podcast.
    1:54:21 Is there anything else you’d like to mention? We could of course include and we will include
    1:54:28 Seth’s.blog/tis which is where people can also get the deck of cards if I’m not mistaken.
    1:54:36 And the chocolate bar. Something for everybody. We didn’t even get to talk about the system of
    1:54:42 cheap chocolate. We’ll do that next time. Okay, cliffhanger. For next time, we’ll talk about the
    1:54:48 system of cheap chocolate and I’m sure much, much more. Well, Seth, as always, what a pleasure.
    1:54:54 Nice to see you. And to everybody listening, until next time, be just a bit kinder than is
    1:54:58 necessary to others also to yourself. But do ask those uncomfortable questions. That’s
    1:55:04 being kind to your future self, to your long term self. And as always, thanks for tuning in.
    1:55:11 Hey guys, this is Tim again, just one more thing before you take off and that is Five Bullet Friday.
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  • We hosted a slumber party with 12 billionaires (our minds are blown)

    AI transcript
    0:00:03 – All right, Sam, we just had an insane weekend together.
    0:00:05 We gotta talk about it.
    0:00:07 ♪ I feel like I can rule the world ♪
    0:00:10 ♪ I know I could be what I want to ♪
    0:00:13 ♪ I put my all in it like no days on ♪
    0:00:14 ♪ On the road let’s travel ♪
    0:00:16 – We just lived in a house for a weekend
    0:00:20 with 25 other founder entrepreneur types,
    0:00:23 probably five to 10 of them were billionaires,
    0:00:25 a bunch of others were close,
    0:00:28 and we didn’t just like talk or hang out,
    0:00:31 we literally like slept under one roof,
    0:00:34 sat and saw us together, played basketball together,
    0:00:36 went to Walmart together a bunch of times.
    0:00:40 – My Airbnb had bunk beds, so we bunked bed together.
    0:00:42 – It’s as close as two men can get.
    0:00:47 So we had an experience and I have in front of me
    0:00:51 several sticky notes of golden lessons learned
    0:00:53 and I phrased each of them, I don’t know if you do this,
    0:00:56 but I phrased each of them to make it fun
    0:00:58 because nobody wants to hear your vacation story,
    0:01:00 that’s one of the great rules of storytelling,
    0:01:02 is just never tell a vacation story
    0:01:03 ’cause it’s so fun for you, but they weren’t there,
    0:01:04 nobody cares.
    0:01:07 But I think we should tell the biggest lessons learned
    0:01:09 with the story that backs them up,
    0:01:12 so it’s real, not just a generic lesson.
    0:01:14 And I phrased all of mine like it’s Confucius,
    0:01:18 like Bruce Lee whispered this into your ear.
    0:01:18 – Yeah, I dig that.
    0:01:20 And to give the background basically,
    0:01:22 I think like three years ago you tweeted out,
    0:01:24 “I wanna play basketball with interesting people.”
    0:01:27 I think Mr. Beast like DM’d you and you’re like,
    0:01:28 “Wait, is this real?”
    0:01:30 You ended up phoning him and he was like,
    0:01:33 “Yeah, come to my place, I wanna meet interesting people.”
    0:01:36 The first year it was like you and Ben organized it,
    0:01:39 it was like 19 of us in an Airbnb
    0:01:40 and we were like, “What are we gonna do?”
    0:01:41 So we played basketball.
    0:01:44 The second year you organized it a little bit more
    0:01:45 and you had like an itinerary.
    0:01:48 This year you guys killed it, it was awesome.
    0:01:50 It was an amazing event.
    0:01:52 – I do like meeting interesting people
    0:01:54 when I go to conferences or events.
    0:01:56 I just hate conferences or events.
    0:01:59 Like I get a pit in my stomach when I have to go.
    0:02:00 And I know it’s good for me
    0:02:03 and I know in the end I’ll meet some cool people.
    0:02:05 I just hate the format, I hate the structure.
    0:02:08 So it was like, well, instead of just complaining about it,
    0:02:10 what’s the structure I would like?
    0:02:11 It’s like, well, I don’t know.
    0:02:13 What if it was just doing the thing I love,
    0:02:15 I was playing basketball with those people.
    0:02:18 We basically play ball all day and then we talk at night.
    0:02:21 And that was the core idea is to use basketball
    0:02:22 as the icebreaker.
    0:02:24 And you broke your knee in the first two hours.
    0:02:25 – Yeah, yeah.
    0:02:29 So this was an event where you could tear up your knee
    0:02:31 and be done in the first hour.
    0:02:32 And I still had a good time.
    0:02:34 That means it must have been a good event
    0:02:36 ’cause normally that’s pretty brutal.
    0:02:37 I did have a little pity party for myself,
    0:02:38 but I feel better now.
    0:02:40 – Are we allowed to say who was there?
    0:02:42 – Yeah, I think we can say some of the people
    0:02:43 that were there.
    0:02:44 Yeah, let’s go for it.
    0:02:47 – So MrBeast, who like, everyone knows him
    0:02:48 as the guy on YouTube with hundreds of millions
    0:02:49 of subscribers.
    0:02:51 I think he’s a paper billionaire.
    0:02:52 I think that’s public.
    0:02:54 – Yeah, he’s one of the youngest billionaires in the world.
    0:02:56 I think he’s 26 years old
    0:02:57 and he’s worth a few billion dollars.
    0:02:59 He’s one of the most famous people also in the world,
    0:03:02 one of the most recognized entertainers in the world.
    0:03:03 And when you hang out with him,
    0:03:07 he’s also one of the like most intense fund to be around.
    0:03:10 You know, just wants to play all in.
    0:03:12 Like somebody said this once about Elon, they go,
    0:03:16 he’s playing life as if the simulation theory is true.
    0:03:18 You know, Elon has a simulation theory.
    0:03:20 It’s gonna just be one of many simulations.
    0:03:23 And so he therefore just goes all in cause, okay, whatever.
    0:03:25 Let’s make this the most entertaining version
    0:03:26 of that simulation.
    0:03:28 I think that’s how Jimmy plays life too.
    0:03:29 – So we are with him.
    0:03:33 It was one of the founders of Airbnb who like on paper,
    0:03:35 like according to Forbes is like the hundredth
    0:03:37 or 90th richest person in the world.
    0:03:40 It was another billionaire who was one of the first investors
    0:03:41 in Tesla and SpaceX.
    0:03:43 It was the founder of Reddit.
    0:03:45 It was Jesse Itzler who’s on the podcast.
    0:03:49 You, me, Al Dohn who runs like a quilting company
    0:03:51 that does nine figures a year.
    0:03:52 – Tons of people.
    0:03:53 – David Perel and Nick Huber.
    0:03:54 It was awesome.
    0:04:00 – All right, so when I ran my company, The Hustle,
    0:04:02 I think we had something like two million subscribers.
    0:04:04 And we made money through advertising.
    0:04:06 We didn’t actually make that much money per person
    0:04:08 reading the newsletter because advertising in general
    0:04:10 is kind of a crappy business model.
    0:04:12 And so I remember sitting down and I’m like,
    0:04:15 what are all the different ways that I can make money
    0:04:17 off The Hustle that aren’t advertising?
    0:04:19 And so to make sure that you don’t make this mistake,
    0:04:21 Sean, me and the Hustle team,
    0:04:23 we went and looked at a bunch of different ways
    0:04:25 to monetize your business.
    0:04:29 And we put it all together in a really cool document
    0:04:31 where we laid it all out along with our research.
    0:04:33 And we call it, very appropriately,
    0:04:36 we call it the business monetization playbook.
    0:04:38 Go to the description of this episode
    0:04:39 and you’re gonna see a link to that
    0:04:41 business monetization playbook.
    0:04:42 It’s completely free.
    0:04:43 You just click the link and you can see it
    0:04:44 back to the episode.
    0:04:51 – You wanna start first?
    0:04:52 – Yeah, let’s do it.
    0:04:53 All right, I got one for you.
    0:04:55 Here’s one of the lessons I picked up.
    0:04:57 And this is about the business ideas
    0:04:59 that these guys were thinking about.
    0:05:01 So if you’re out there and you’re wondering kind of like,
    0:05:02 where’s the opportunity?
    0:05:04 What should I be working on?
    0:05:06 Here’s what I picked up from some of the most successful
    0:05:07 people in America.
    0:05:10 And it says, fish were the fish swim,
    0:05:13 not where the fishermen stand.
    0:05:14 Confucius, AKA me.
    0:05:16 – Did you just make that up?
    0:05:18 – You saw me writing these five minutes before we went live.
    0:05:19 – I thought you had heard that.
    0:05:21 Did you hear that somewhere else?
    0:05:23 – There’s a scratch out on it, right?
    0:05:24 – But did you get like Chinese food last week
    0:05:27 and that was like a fortune cookie?
    0:05:29 – Dude, I’ve had my share of Kung Pao Chicken.
    0:05:31 All right, let me just tell you some of the ideas
    0:05:34 that I heard from people who were in, at this event.
    0:05:36 So you mentioned Jesse Itzler.
    0:05:39 And I think one of the public things that he’s done is,
    0:05:43 he got really into racing, like running endurance races.
    0:05:45 So he just followed his curiosity.
    0:05:46 – 100 mile races.
    0:05:47 – 100 mile races.
    0:05:48 He started to do 100 mile races.
    0:05:49 While he’s doing 100 mile races,
    0:05:52 he notices that the runners that are trying to do
    0:05:55 these amazing physical feats are drinking coconut water.
    0:05:56 And coconut water was a big,
    0:05:59 like a big part of that niche, super niche community.
    0:06:02 And he became a believer and spent time hunting down
    0:06:04 what he thought would be the best coconut water company.
    0:06:07 He ends up finding Ziko coconut water, partners with them.
    0:06:09 And Ziko now is a big success.
    0:06:10 They ended up selling, I think, to Coke.
    0:06:12 And they’re in Whole Foods or they’re, you know,
    0:06:14 it’s one of the big coconut water brands.
    0:06:17 And he found it when he was small and just like,
    0:06:20 just exploring these uncharted territories.
    0:06:22 So here’s some other ones that I heard.
    0:06:24 There was somebody there who’s making hundreds
    0:06:28 of millions of dollars a year selling board games.
    0:06:30 I’d never even had that on my bingo card.
    0:06:31 I didn’t even know that was an option.
    0:06:33 I did not even know that you could do that.
    0:06:36 There was somebody there that was investing
    0:06:38 millions of dollars into women’s sports.
    0:06:41 Like, you know, not even just women’s sports,
    0:06:43 like they’re trying to do things now
    0:06:46 where you just buy a piece of a college program.
    0:06:47 I didn’t even know you could do that.
    0:06:49 Like that’s for sale.
    0:06:51 What is that for sale?
    0:06:52 Where is this listed?
    0:06:53 It’s not listed, right?
    0:06:55 – I went to a talk recently with this billionaire
    0:06:58 who owned like the Timberwolves Mark Lazarie or something.
    0:07:00 And he was talking about the box.
    0:07:03 And he was talking about how he’s trying to buy college.
    0:07:04 Do you buy the rights?
    0:07:06 – They’re going to like the University of Alabama
    0:07:07 or whatever, and they’re just like, cool,
    0:07:11 we’ll give you $500 million for the Alabama sports program.
    0:07:12 We want to own 51%.
    0:07:15 – But it’s like, do they buy the future earnings?
    0:07:16 Is that what it is?
    0:07:18 – They’re basically, I think what’s going to happen is,
    0:07:20 again, it’s uncharted territory.
    0:07:21 You don’t know exactly how this is going to play out,
    0:07:23 but I think the short version is
    0:07:25 the college will spin out the program,
    0:07:28 their athletics program as its own business entity.
    0:07:30 They’ll sell equity in it.
    0:07:33 They’ll use that equity to finance all of their sports,
    0:07:34 like women’s lacrosse,
    0:07:34 like things that aren’t going to be
    0:07:35 the big revenue generators.
    0:07:38 So they use it to fund all their programs
    0:07:40 and maybe even school stuff.
    0:07:43 And then those, and then the costs now are born
    0:07:44 by the private equity person.
    0:07:47 But now it’s this asset that didn’t even exist before,
    0:07:48 like these college programs
    0:07:49 could make a lot of money,
    0:07:51 media rights and all the stuff,
    0:07:52 but they weren’t even for sale.
    0:07:53 Somebody was doing that.
    0:07:55 There was somebody there that was like,
    0:07:57 yeah, seven years ago,
    0:08:00 I just got really obsessed with water.
    0:08:01 I’m like, yeah, me too.
    0:08:02 I thought my whole life is like, no, no, no,
    0:08:03 like I got really obsessed.
    0:08:05 Like, do you know what kind of water you’re drinking?
    0:08:09 And I was like, no, like is this bad with microplastics?
    0:08:10 What’s going on?
    0:08:12 And he was just like, yeah, like I got obsessed.
    0:08:13 And so I just started studying,
    0:08:14 where’s the cleanest water from?
    0:08:16 Where’s the healthiest water from?
    0:08:18 And I realized that water was gonna become like oil,
    0:08:20 that people were gonna more and more be drinking,
    0:08:22 not tap water, but they wanted,
    0:08:24 they’re gonna want basically bottled water,
    0:08:25 canned water, things like that.
    0:08:27 And that water is gonna have to come from somewhere.
    0:08:30 And I wanted to find the best sources of water.
    0:08:32 And so I went to West Virginia
    0:08:34 and I bought this aquifer, this spring,
    0:08:37 I bought this giant water source.
    0:08:38 And he was like, you see that drink you’re drinking right there?
    0:08:40 It’s like some popular brand.
    0:08:42 And he’s like, that’s our water and they use our water.
    0:08:44 So that’s good water.
    0:08:45 And I was like, what?
    0:08:47 This was just a side quest that he went on.
    0:08:49 And again, it was curiosity driven.
    0:08:50 – Was this one of the billionaires?
    0:08:52 – Yeah, I mean, not billionaire,
    0:08:54 but yeah, like whatever, close, close enough.
    0:08:55 There’s a guy there, Al,
    0:08:59 who started a quilting company with his mom
    0:09:01 in Missouri Star Quilt Company.
    0:09:04 And they sell fabrics for people who wanna make quilts.
    0:09:06 His co-founder is his mom.
    0:09:07 – I have a planned vacation.
    0:09:09 So he owns this thing.
    0:09:11 The company’s called Missouri Quilting Company.
    0:09:13 And he basically bought,
    0:09:15 he did a podcast three years ago with us
    0:09:18 where he explained where he bought a town.
    0:09:19 Is it Hamilton, Missouri?
    0:09:21 He bought like an 1800 person town
    0:09:22 where they own every building
    0:09:24 and they’re building the Disneyland for quilting.
    0:09:25 – Dude, just the thought of that.
    0:09:27 So the first to go into quilting,
    0:09:30 smart guy, like, you know, could have done any business,
    0:09:31 goes into quilting.
    0:09:32 – It’s like, what are you doing, man?
    0:09:34 You’re throwing it all the way on quilting?
    0:09:36 – Does a business with his mom, right?
    0:09:38 Like again, independent thinking,
    0:09:39 not just following the herd.
    0:09:41 So then starts the business.
    0:09:42 His mom does the YouTube channel.
    0:09:44 He does the business side of it.
    0:09:45 Business keeps growing.
    0:09:47 And then it’s like, you know what we could do?
    0:09:50 We could create the Disneyland for quilting.
    0:09:52 And he literally goes and buys a town.
    0:09:53 Again, who’s, is that for sale?
    0:09:54 Can you do that?
    0:09:55 How do you do that?
    0:09:56 And that just kept happening,
    0:09:59 which was like people who were playing games
    0:10:00 that didn’t even seem popular.
    0:10:03 Another lesson there is there was a person there
    0:10:06 who had sold a piece of their company to Churnin.
    0:10:09 And Churnin is now kind of known.
    0:10:11 I first heard about it maybe like 10 years ago.
    0:10:15 And Churnin is this really interesting investment work.
    0:10:16 – They’re most famous for–
    0:10:17 – PCG.
    0:10:21 – Yeah, Peter Churnin was the CEO of Fox.
    0:10:22 So he’s like a big swing and dick.
    0:10:23 He’s been a baller for years.
    0:10:26 But they’re most famous amongst like normal people
    0:10:28 because they bought Barstool when it was nothing
    0:10:29 and helped make it something.
    0:10:30 – Correct.
    0:10:32 And they just had this, again, independent thinking
    0:10:33 where they were like, hey, I think these things
    0:10:36 that other people see as small kind of toys,
    0:10:38 things that aren’t gonna make a lot of money,
    0:10:42 you know, media brands, blogs, YouTube channels,
    0:10:44 I think these things are gonna be big.
    0:10:45 I think basically, and they had this thesis
    0:10:48 which was content to commerce.
    0:10:50 It’s like, I think if you’re kicking ass at content,
    0:10:52 you’re gonna be able to, instead of just making your money
    0:10:54 through ad revenue and sponsorships,
    0:10:56 you’re gonna be able to sell stuff to those people.
    0:10:58 And they had this content to commerce thesis
    0:11:00 and they go and they buy Barstool.
    0:11:03 Content ends up being this juggernaut with commerce.
    0:11:06 They buy, they bought Exploding Kittens
    0:11:10 and they bought Meat Eater and they bought Surfline.
    0:11:11 All these niche content brands.
    0:11:13 We had a guy on the pod, the plant daddy.
    0:11:15 – I met with them a couple of times.
    0:11:18 There was like early discussions, well, you know,
    0:11:20 three meetings that I had with the hustle
    0:11:23 and I was like, what the fuck do you guys know?
    0:11:24 Didn’t get that one right.
    0:11:26 (laughing)
    0:11:29 Turns out they know a lot.
    0:11:30 They know a lot.
    0:11:33 – Did he just like slide a P and L across the table
    0:11:35 and he’s like, I’ll leave you three minutes alone with this.
    0:11:36 – Like they told me this story
    0:11:38 and I was like, you’re full of shit.
    0:11:39 You don’t know what you’re talking about.
    0:11:43 Like, you’re talking about my company, right?
    0:11:44 It’s like, you know, like…
    0:11:47 (laughing)
    0:11:49 Like, but they were right.
    0:11:51 I think what the premise was correct.
    0:11:54 But yeah, I didn’t have that confidence
    0:11:55 that we’re talking about now.
    0:11:56 – And dude, they’re made a fortune
    0:11:59 ’cause the market overlooked these brands.
    0:12:02 These brands were not valued like high-flying tech companies
    0:12:05 but they became, you know, multi-hundred million
    0:12:06 dollar brands.
    0:12:08 I really admire what TCG did.
    0:12:09 – Yeah, they’re the best.
    0:12:12 – There’s so many investors that all love
    0:12:13 to sound like they’re smart and contrarian
    0:12:16 and they’re all just, what’s your thesis?
    0:12:19 AI, you know, AI is gonna be the future of everything, right?
    0:12:21 It’s like, okay, you’re not wrong in that,
    0:12:23 but like, there’s something really impressive
    0:12:26 about somebody who looked at just like this magazine
    0:12:27 or this blog or this YouTube channel.
    0:12:29 – They did it with Doug DeMauro who was on our pod.
    0:12:30 We’ve actually probably had three or four people
    0:12:33 who sold their company on the pod to those guys.
    0:12:34 – Right, right.
    0:12:36 – And they’ve been right and they’ve been right
    0:12:38 in a very, very big way.
    0:12:39 So I’m very impressed by them.
    0:12:40 So to me, that’s the principle.
    0:12:42 Fish where the fish swim.
    0:12:43 So fish where the real opportunity is,
    0:12:45 not where the fish are understanding,
    0:12:47 not where everybody, all the entrepreneurs are huddled up.
    0:12:52 This, this Portuguese says, man does not sell chocolate.
    0:12:54 He must become chocolate.
    0:12:56 Okay, so what does this mean?
    0:12:59 Three years ago when we did the first version of this event,
    0:13:03 Jimmy, AKA Mr. Beast had launched his chocolate brand,
    0:13:04 Feastables.
    0:13:08 And it was like, okay, selling chocolate to little kids.
    0:13:09 I had the opportunity to invest.
    0:13:13 I think at a $40 million valuation was like the series A.
    0:13:18 And I passed in like the beast empire or chocolate.
    0:13:19 – No, in Feastables itself.
    0:13:22 So it’s kind of thought about it.
    0:13:23 I was like, I don’t really get it.
    0:13:25 I didn’t really know much about the chocolate industry.
    0:13:27 I thought his involvement was going to be like this.
    0:13:31 Normal influencer brand is, I’m doing my thing.
    0:13:31 I create my content.
    0:13:33 Oh, my manager hands me this.
    0:13:38 Hey, buy this, smile, ding, put it down, move on with life.
    0:13:40 So I thought he’s just going to influence it.
    0:13:42 I thought he’s just going to hold it up and buy it.
    0:13:44 I didn’t, what I didn’t realize is that this guy
    0:13:46 was going to go so deep into the world of chocolate
    0:13:48 and end up knowing everything about chocolate
    0:13:53 and running this company like an absolute maniac founder.
    0:13:55 If I had known that, if I had known he was going to bring
    0:13:57 his full intensity at this,
    0:13:58 I probably would have thought about it differently.
    0:14:00 I thought he was just going to hold up the chocolate bar
    0:14:02 and see how many people clicked the link.
    0:14:03 I was dead wrong.
    0:14:05 So I want to tell a quick story.
    0:14:07 You were there for one of the Walmart runs, right?
    0:14:09 No, but I have a bunch of Walmart stories.
    0:14:12 So we’re sitting there, we’re about to record.
    0:14:14 He walks in, he’s like, hey, before we do this,
    0:14:16 you guys want to go to Walmart?
    0:14:17 Which I realized like at the time
    0:14:18 sounded like a sort of a strange request.
    0:14:21 Nobody’s ever asked me on a mandate to Walmart.
    0:14:26 We walk in and he takes us to the chocolate aisle
    0:14:30 and basically gives a like 10 minute masterclass
    0:14:32 on the chocolate industry right there in the aisle.
    0:14:34 And while he’s doing it, he’s not just like explaining
    0:14:35 like, well, this is how it works.
    0:14:36 This is how we do.
    0:14:38 There’s our revenues, this whatever.
    0:14:41 He’s also simultaneously restocking the entire aisle.
    0:14:43 Like he pulled the cartons up to the front
    0:14:45 ’cause they were like three inches recessed.
    0:14:46 They were pushed back too far.
    0:14:48 Some of the bars had followed over, they were crooked.
    0:14:49 He straightens every single one of them out.
    0:14:51 He puts the right flavors in the right spots.
    0:14:53 If a bar was crinklier or broken,
    0:14:54 he’d throw it to his chief of staff.
    0:14:55 He’d be like, hey, can you buy this?
    0:14:56 I want to have like, we should only have good bars.
    0:14:57 No broken bars up front.
    0:15:00 And he would basically restock the thing,
    0:15:01 but his hands were moving at a speed
    0:15:02 which showed you this is not the first time
    0:15:03 this guy’s done this.
    0:15:05 So he restocks it.
    0:15:07 And one of the popular flavors was out.
    0:15:09 And so he takes out his phone and he’s like,
    0:15:10 oh, I have a badge.
    0:15:12 And so he just badges into the back of Walmart
    0:15:16 and goes and gets the box himself and restocks it.
    0:15:18 And I was like, does any vendor get to do that?
    0:15:19 And he was like, no, not exactly.
    0:15:22 But they know like, I just do this, I really care.
    0:15:25 And two things stood out to me.
    0:15:28 The first was obvious, which was when high intensity,
    0:15:31 obsessive people want to win,
    0:15:33 they do the same things that the rest of us do
    0:15:35 with the knob dialed up to 12.
    0:15:37 Like they just take the knob and they just crank it past
    0:15:38 even where you think it could go.
    0:15:41 And for example, he was like,
    0:15:41 I think you were there.
    0:15:43 He was telling the story about like missing a flight
    0:15:44 or something like this.
    0:15:48 He like told the story about how apparently he flew to DC
    0:15:50 and had a connecting flight to North Carolina
    0:15:51 or something wherever he lived.
    0:15:53 And he was like, you know what, screw it.
    0:15:56 I’m driving from DC to Greenville, North Carolina.
    0:15:58 It’s normally like, I don’t know, a three hour drive
    0:16:00 or something, but I noticed that there’s 14 Walmart’s
    0:16:01 in between on that route.
    0:16:04 I’m gonna stop at every single one of them to learn.
    0:16:06 And it turns like a three hour drive into like,
    0:16:08 you know, a 20 hour drive.
    0:16:11 And he told me at one point he goes, I have scanned.
    0:16:14 I guess he’s got some app where you scan things in Walmart
    0:16:16 and it teaches you about each skew.
    0:16:18 He said he scanned every single product in Walmart.
    0:16:20 And I don’t know if he was like, if someone said,
    0:16:21 oh no, I’ve scanned all of them.
    0:16:23 You’d be like, oh, so it’s like saying
    0:16:25 it’s a thousand degrees outside, you’re just exaggerating.
    0:16:27 But with him, I was like, oh, I bet you
    0:16:29 you literally have scanned every single one of them.
    0:16:31 – In the podcast we did, he was like, yeah, like, you know,
    0:16:33 we want to do a thing where you buy every item in Walmart
    0:16:35 for somebody in a video.
    0:16:37 And he’s like, you know, but it’s $16.2 million.
    0:16:41 It’s like, he knew the actual cost of the total inventory.
    0:16:42 If you bought one of everything in Walmart,
    0:16:44 like what it costs, I forgot what the number was.
    0:16:46 But so, but I don’t want to make this just a jibby left fest
    0:16:51 because there was another guy who was a top seller in Target.
    0:16:53 – Yeah, man, I heard him nerding out.
    0:16:54 It was wild.
    0:16:55 – He took us to this shelf and he was like,
    0:16:58 this shelf right here, he’s giving us a tour of Target.
    0:17:00 And it shows you how the store works.
    0:17:01 He’s like, this shelf right here
    0:17:04 is the most profitable shelf in Target.
    0:17:05 Is the highest profit per square inch,
    0:17:08 which is how Target measures, you know, success.
    0:17:10 And he’s giving us this Target Masterclass.
    0:17:11 And we were like, are you also in Walmart?
    0:17:12 He’s like, yeah, we’re in Walmart,
    0:17:14 but we’re not doing so well.
    0:17:16 I asked him, what’s exciting for you coming up?
    0:17:18 And this guy runs a billion dollar plus company.
    0:17:21 I assumed he was just gonna say,
    0:17:23 I’ve got some board meetings to line up.
    0:17:26 I’m taking the family to the Aspen.
    0:17:29 And he goes, actually, I’m working the next three weeks
    0:17:31 as a Walmart associate.
    0:17:33 I was like, what?
    0:17:35 And he goes, yeah, I’m gonna be,
    0:17:37 he goes, our sales in Walmart are not the same as in Target.
    0:17:39 And I’ve been trying to figure out why.
    0:17:41 What I found remarkable is that you expect
    0:17:44 the people who are the most busy, the most accomplished,
    0:17:48 the most high net worth to be above these tasks.
    0:17:50 Jimmy restocking the SKUs himself.
    0:17:53 This other guy going to be a Walmart associate for three
    0:17:55 weeks, you know, they don’t have to do any of this,
    0:17:56 but they’re gonna do it anyways.
    0:17:57 They’re not just doing it now.
    0:18:00 Now that they’re successful, that’s how they got here.
    0:18:03 And so that was the first really big takeaway
    0:18:05 from this whole thing was the intensity
    0:18:08 with which certain people play the game of business
    0:18:10 and how that leads to success.
    0:18:12 – That guy who you’re referring to
    0:18:14 was the quietest person there, her one of.
    0:18:16 And there was a point where I was hanging out with him.
    0:18:18 He goes, can I get your guys’s opinion?
    0:18:22 You know, I think in, I’m thinking about potentially
    0:18:24 like making some type of business move,
    0:18:26 which would value us at this valuation.
    0:18:28 And we were like, what valuation?
    0:18:30 And it was like in the billions.
    0:18:33 And we were like, do you know who we are?
    0:18:34 Why are you asking us this question?
    0:18:37 Like, what are you talking about, man?
    0:18:40 Like you, I don’t know who you asked this question to,
    0:18:45 but not like, he was the most like humble person there.
    0:18:47 And he was crazy successful.
    0:18:50 It was pretty wild, that guy who you’re talking about.
    0:18:51 All right, I have one.
    0:18:54 Confidence beats IQ.
    0:18:56 So, you know, there are a lot of
    0:18:58 like really successful people out there.
    0:19:00 Like when I read Warren Buffett’s biography,
    0:19:03 he does the opposite where he was like,
    0:19:04 oh, you know, I’m just this guy.
    0:19:06 And it’s like, dude, you’re, you’re a bona fide.
    0:19:08 – Aw shucks downplaying them.
    0:19:10 – Yeah, it’s like, you’re a baby genius.
    0:19:11 Like he was like, when he was like four,
    0:19:15 he was like making 10 grand a month selling Pepsi.
    0:19:18 But in general, the group of people who we had there,
    0:19:22 there were some people for sure who are genius.
    0:19:23 I think Jimmy is one of them actually.
    0:19:26 I think when you talk to him, you know, he’s like brilliant.
    0:19:29 But, and like Mario from Oscar was one of them.
    0:19:32 Mario co-founded a company called Oscar,
    0:19:33 which is a health insurance company,
    0:19:34 which is one of the hardest things ever to do.
    0:19:37 It’s worth publicly traded $4 billion.
    0:19:38 So he’s like the man,
    0:19:40 and he doesn’t even speak English or he does.
    0:19:41 That’s a second language.
    0:19:43 So like, you know, he’s from Germany.
    0:19:45 – He’s genius.
    0:19:46 – Dude, imagine going to Germany
    0:19:48 and revolutionizing the German healthcare bar.
    0:19:49 You know what I mean?
    0:19:50 Like it’s pretty wild.
    0:19:52 – Extra degree of difficulty.
    0:19:52 – Yeah.
    0:19:54 – Just go to someone else’s motherland and fix their shit.
    0:19:56 – Yeah, which is wild.
    0:19:57 But, you know, he was a genius.
    0:20:00 But in general, dude, the wealthiest people there,
    0:20:03 I noticed we’re not even close to the smartest.
    0:20:05 And here’s an example.
    0:20:07 One of the billion there guys was there.
    0:20:09 He goes, man, AI is just gonna change the world.
    0:20:10 You guys, I don’t think you guys get it.
    0:20:12 Like I use it every day.
    0:20:14 And I was like, how do you, how do you use it?
    0:20:15 He goes, I can show you right now.
    0:20:18 And he pulls out his phone and he talks to chat GBT.
    0:20:22 And he goes, hey, chat GBT, you know, I have a question.
    0:20:24 And he like starts like reading a question to it.
    0:20:26 And then he’s like, now watch how amazing it is.
    0:20:28 And he like, it repeats the answer.
    0:20:31 And I’m like, oh, so you’re saying
    0:20:33 that you just use chat GBT like all the time.
    0:20:34 Like, yeah.
    0:20:36 And I was like, well, like, have you like trained it?
    0:20:39 He goes, train, you can train it?
    0:20:42 Like, like he didn’t know that you could do these things.
    0:20:43 And this particular guy, I read a company
    0:20:45 doing billions of year in revenue.
    0:20:49 I guess what I mean is like the percentage
    0:20:52 of intelligence greater than me or you or someone else there
    0:20:55 versus impact or net worth was not like that.
    0:20:58 It wasn’t core totally agree with that,
    0:21:00 which is that when you sit in a room like this,
    0:21:01 two things happen.
    0:21:04 One, you just get to sample like it’s Costco
    0:21:05 and it’s new net Costco.
    0:21:07 And you’re just getting to sample different life.
    0:21:08 Oh, what do you do?
    0:21:10 Oh, wow, you seem kind of stressed out.
    0:21:13 Gotcha, like not interested in going down that aisle.
    0:21:14 You seem like you’re having a lot of fun.
    0:21:15 What do you do?
    0:21:16 How do you think about this?
    0:21:17 You got kids too.
    0:21:18 How are you doing both, right?
    0:21:20 And you get to sample people’s lifestyle
    0:21:21 when you’re hanging out with them like this
    0:21:23 for like, you know, 48 hours straight.
    0:21:28 On top of that, you also get to do the measuring stick thing,
    0:21:30 which kind of sucks ’cause you’re measuring yourself
    0:21:32 against like some of the most creative,
    0:21:34 successful, ambitious people in the world.
    0:21:35 But a big part of it is you’re trying
    0:21:37 to figure out the diff, right?
    0:21:40 It’s like those little children’s games is two pictures.
    0:21:42 What’s the difference between these two pictures?
    0:21:45 And on one side is me and the other side is them.
    0:21:47 And I’m always looking at what’s the difference.
    0:21:48 And sometimes if it’s like a Mario or whatever,
    0:21:49 it’s like, oh, cool.
    0:21:52 Like his brain has an extra library in it.
    0:21:54 There’s an extra wing that somebody donated to that brain.
    0:21:55 All right, cool.
    0:21:57 Like I can live with that.
    0:21:58 I can sleep easy.
    0:22:00 But there were other people where it was like,
    0:22:02 oh, it just seems like they didn’t limit themselves.
    0:22:03 That’s what I mean.
    0:22:04 They just kind of went for it.
    0:22:07 Or their courage was just on a little bit higher supply
    0:22:07 than mine.
    0:22:09 And you’re right that when you look at the diff,
    0:22:10 very, very rarely was the diff.
    0:22:12 These people are smarter than me.
    0:22:15 Or they had some advantages I didn’t have coming up, right?
    0:22:17 It’s like, in fact, there’s usually the opposite.
    0:22:19 It’s like, damn, they had this huge chip on their shoulder
    0:22:20 because their dad wasn’t around.
    0:22:22 And because of this happened and they were dyslexic.
    0:22:24 There’s a bunch of people over there that were dyslexic.
    0:22:25 – I wish I was dyslexic.
    0:22:26 – Yeah, I know.
    0:22:27 – Man, all these guys.
    0:22:28 – Autistic was the goal.
    0:22:28 – Dude, dyslexic.
    0:22:30 – Dude, every dyslexic guy there,
    0:22:33 somehow was a good freestyle rapper.
    0:22:34 Did you notice that?
    0:22:37 – Like not only rich, but also cool in a group
    0:22:39 of men held all around together, right?
    0:22:43 – Yeah, I wish I was charismatic, like a dyslexic guy.
    0:22:44 Like, that’s crazy.
    0:22:50 It’s like if you’re blind, you’re a good like piano player.
    0:22:51 And if you’re dyslexic,
    0:22:53 you’re like the most charismatic guy on earth.
    0:22:54 – Yeah, exactly.
    0:23:00 – All right, let’s take a quick break.
    0:23:02 ‘Cause I gotta tell you about a friend of the pod
    0:23:03 who’s got their own podcast.
    0:23:05 If you know Steph Smith, she is a legend.
    0:23:06 She’s been on MFM many times.
    0:23:10 And she’s got her own podcast called the A16Z podcast.
    0:23:11 And it’s all about technology.
    0:23:14 If you think about it, technology has evolved like crazy.
    0:23:16 I mean, I grew up in the ’90s.
    0:23:18 I had CDs, phones had cords.
    0:23:20 You couldn’t use the internet if your mom was on the phone.
    0:23:22 And now there’s like 3D printers
    0:23:25 and there’s rockets that can go up into space, AI.
    0:23:27 There’s so much crazy stuff going on.
    0:23:28 And you gotta have a place
    0:23:30 that helps you stay ahead of the curve.
    0:23:32 And that’s what the A16Z podcast is trying to do.
    0:23:35 It’s a podcast from the VC firm, Andres and Horowitz.
    0:23:36 And it’s trying to give you an inside look
    0:23:38 at the trends that are shaping our future.
    0:23:41 They’ve had guests like Mark Cuban and Neil Stevenson
    0:23:43 on and they talk about topics like Deep Fakes
    0:23:46 or the science behind GLP1s or Autonomous Drones.
    0:23:48 No small boy stuff at all.
    0:23:48 Steph is the host.
    0:23:49 She’s awesome.
    0:23:50 I think you’ll enjoy the podcast.
    0:23:51 So check it out.
    0:23:53 It is the A16Z podcast.
    0:23:54 And I like this tagline.
    0:23:56 They say it’s like eavesdropping on the future.
    0:23:56 That’s pretty cool.
    0:23:57 That’s a good tagline.
    0:23:58 So check it out.
    0:24:01 The A16Z podcast wherever you get your podcast.
    0:24:07 I have a related point, which is I just wrote these two words.
    0:24:08 I don’t know if you can read this.
    0:24:09 I am.
    0:24:10 I am.
    0:24:13 So my trainer has like a clothing brand that he creates.
    0:24:14 It’s called Super Conscious Cup.
    0:24:16 So one of the shirts he gave me from Super Conscious Cup,
    0:24:20 my favorite shirt, it just on the side, it just says I am.
    0:24:23 And then it’s underneath it says,
    0:24:25 the two most important words in the English language
    0:24:28 for whatever comes after them will define your life.
    0:24:30 If you think you are destined for greatness,
    0:24:33 if you think you belong at that table,
    0:24:34 you’ll make different decisions along the way.
    0:24:36 And then it becomes sort of self-fulfilling, right?
    0:24:38 You’ll work at a different speed.
    0:24:39 You’ll take different risks.
    0:24:41 You will go for it in a different way.
    0:24:43 Several conversations I had at this event
    0:24:48 where I realized, damn, a lot of the downstream decisions
    0:24:50 start with the little voice in your head,
    0:24:54 the little director of your movie who’s deciding like,
    0:24:55 what kind of movie is this?
    0:24:57 Is this like an indie budget?
    0:24:58 Is this a tragedy?
    0:24:59 Is this a comedy?
    0:25:00 Are you a joke?
    0:25:03 Or is this a Marvel movie?
    0:25:04 Are you the hero saving the world, right?
    0:25:06 And like, I’m not saying one is better than the other,
    0:25:08 but you get to decide what that little voice
    0:25:09 in your head is gonna tell you.
    0:25:11 ‘Cause the director says, you know,
    0:25:13 what happens in the story, where you stand,
    0:25:14 what you say, all of those things.
    0:25:17 And I thought, damn, a lot of what I’m seeing
    0:25:18 in how people are living their lives
    0:25:20 and what they’re doing differently,
    0:25:22 comes from the little voice in their head
    0:25:24 just has a different script in mind
    0:25:26 for what their life is all about, the “I am” statement.
    0:25:28 – Or like, here’s a small example.
    0:25:30 How about Jesse bringing his sauna?
    0:25:31 Jesse, it’s like brought his sauna.
    0:25:33 And he had two guys and I was like, what do you guys do?
    0:25:36 He’s like, oh, we bring these saunas.
    0:25:37 Like, whenever he wants to go-
    0:25:38 – We keep the sauna hot.
    0:25:39 – Yeah, he’s like, whenever we go,
    0:25:41 when he wants to go to like a conference or something,
    0:25:42 like this sauna is like a really cool way
    0:25:44 to like create a bonding experience,
    0:25:46 which it was, by the way, just chilling in the sauna.
    0:25:47 It was freaking awesome.
    0:25:49 And I was like, wait, Jesse, you got these two guys
    0:25:52 who’s just like jobs like trail around this like sauna,
    0:25:54 like across the country to bring to events.
    0:25:55 That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard of.
    0:25:56 He’s like, yeah, isn’t it great?
    0:25:57 We get to hang in the sauna.
    0:25:58 I was like, yes.
    0:26:01 And that’s like another example of like intensity,
    0:26:03 but like on a more relatable scale.
    0:26:04 – Right.
    0:26:05 – All right, I have one.
    0:26:08 You could take your billions and shove it up your ass.
    0:26:10 (laughing)
    0:26:11 – Is that Seneca?
    0:26:15 – Yeah, put that on one of those inspirational posters
    0:26:16 that you’ve seen in your office.
    0:26:20 There is this one guy who was one of the first investors
    0:26:22 in a variety of Elon companies.
    0:26:26 And presumably a billionaire,
    0:26:29 like, you know, investing in Tesla
    0:26:32 at a $60 million valuation or $100 million valuation.
    0:26:34 You know, I don’t know what that,
    0:26:37 is that like, is that like a hundred thousand times?
    0:26:38 So something like that.
    0:26:39 – We don’t do public math.
    0:26:40 – Yeah, like a lot.
    0:26:42 – It’s now a trillion dollar company.
    0:26:44 – Yeah, so it’s a big deal.
    0:26:48 You know, there was this funny story
    0:26:51 where this guy was telling a story about working really hard.
    0:26:54 And like he was grinding and his kid was sick
    0:26:55 and he’s like, I had to take a week off
    0:26:56 to like go and help my kid.
    0:26:58 And you know, that was a big deal
    0:26:59 ’cause I was working so hard.
    0:27:01 And then this other guy came and he goes,
    0:27:02 do you know how you guys are all talking
    0:27:06 about working 16 hours a day on your companies?
    0:27:10 Right now I’m doing that as well,
    0:27:11 but my company is my family.
    0:27:14 And I have retired from business
    0:27:19 and I work 16 hours a day as the CEO of my family.
    0:27:25 And when he said that, I was like, this is awesome.
    0:27:27 And I imagine he was exaggerating a little bit
    0:27:31 ’cause I imagine he still does some type of deal making
    0:27:32 or something like that.
    0:27:34 You know, I don’t know him well enough to know,
    0:27:37 but I thought it was so cool when he said that.
    0:27:39 And I thought like you have it figured out.
    0:27:41 Same with Jesse Itzler.
    0:27:44 These two guys, I can’t say the first guy’s name,
    0:27:46 but Jesse also had the same energy
    0:27:49 where I was like, this is the way,
    0:27:52 and this is all personal preference.
    0:27:55 You know, Jimmy wanted to be Elon cool, go do that.
    0:27:57 But when I heard this other way of talking,
    0:28:01 I was like, you know, after, this is easy to say
    0:28:03 because everyone was wealthy, but after some number,
    0:28:05 I don’t know what that number is, 10, 20, 30,
    0:28:09 some millions of numbers, not a lot of it really matters.
    0:28:11 And just like having a good time with your family
    0:28:12 is something I really admired.
    0:28:15 And I thought it was really cool that that guy said that.
    0:28:18 And it made me realize that I was getting sucked
    0:28:20 in this vortex of like money, money, money
    0:28:23 and achievement, achievement, whatever.
    0:28:26 But when I saw these guys talk and their energy,
    0:28:29 I was more drawn to that than anyone else there.
    0:28:30 Do you agree?
    0:28:31 – Yeah, 100%.
    0:28:33 I think when I go to events like this,
    0:28:36 my instinct is to figure out, oh, how do you win?
    0:28:37 Oh, how do you win?
    0:28:38 How do you win?
    0:28:40 What tactics, what techniques, what strategies,
    0:28:42 what approaches work?
    0:28:44 And instead, the better question almost every single time
    0:28:46 is what game are you even playing?
    0:28:49 And picking the right game matters way more
    0:28:52 than figuring out how to win the wrong game.
    0:28:54 – Dude, there was people there who were like
    0:28:57 mini Genghis Khan’s where it’s like they want to dominate.
    0:29:01 Like they get joy out of war and domination.
    0:29:04 – They wanna build cities, they wanna dominate industries,
    0:29:05 they wanna do that.
    0:29:06 And that’s one game you can play.
    0:29:08 And by the way, no judgment, great.
    0:29:09 Do whatever game you wanna play out.
    0:29:12 I just wanna know what the games are so I can pick.
    0:29:13 And other people were like,
    0:29:15 I wanna be CEO of my family full time.
    0:29:17 And I’m like, eh, I’ve done a four hour stretch
    0:29:20 with my kids like, I think I’m more of a 45 minutes a day,
    0:29:23 45 minutes at a time, four times a day, that’s my ideal.
    0:29:25 It’s okay, I’m not gonna be CEO of my family
    0:29:27 ’cause I would actually be miserable
    0:29:30 if I was a full time stay at home dad personally.
    0:29:32 But okay, that’s a game I could play.
    0:29:33 Then I talked to Jesse and I was like,
    0:29:34 Jesse, what do you do?
    0:29:35 Like what do you do every day now?
    0:29:37 I’m training for races
    0:29:39 and I’m coaching my kids sports things.
    0:29:42 I do public speaking ’cause I feel like it keeps me sharp
    0:29:43 and I get excited to get up on stage
    0:29:45 and say some shit that lights people up.
    0:29:47 He’s like, I’m selling calendars.
    0:29:48 He’s like, it’s not gonna, he’s like,
    0:29:49 I’m not making it a fortune.
    0:29:53 I’m like, these guys, they’ll do that in a day or two a week
    0:29:56 or we’ll do in a year, but I don’t know, I like doing it.
    0:29:58 I’m doing what I wanna be doing.
    0:30:01 And he was very at ease with that, he’s at peace with that.
    0:30:03 And I think obviously some of that comes from maturity
    0:30:06 but a lot of it comes from, it’s easy to be at peace
    0:30:08 when you’re actually doing the thing that puts you at peace
    0:30:10 when you’re doing the thing you like.
    0:30:13 And if you’re kind of, I don’t know,
    0:30:14 like masquerading around trying to just do
    0:30:16 what you think you should be doing,
    0:30:17 I think that becomes very exhausting.
    0:30:20 And so I’m with you that figuring out what game to play
    0:30:22 seems like the much more important question
    0:30:23 at every phase of your life.
    0:30:25 And the game I wanted to play in my 20s is different
    0:30:27 than the one I’m playing currently in my 30s.
    0:30:28 It’s probably gonna be different
    0:30:30 than what I play in my 40s and 50s.
    0:30:33 And I just gotta kind of reinvent myself.
    0:30:33 – Dude, there was one guy there
    0:30:34 he said he worked with Elon.
    0:30:38 And apparently he had to do a meeting or something
    0:30:42 with Elon and like the secretary told him like,
    0:30:43 all right, you’re gonna do this meeting
    0:30:47 but I need you to know that Elon makes,
    0:30:51 his companies make $20 million every one hour.
    0:30:54 So this better be a $20 million meeting.
    0:30:56 – I heard a similar thing from a guy who worked with him
    0:31:00 that he was like, Elon would have a meeting
    0:31:03 but there would be like 40 or 50 people in the meeting.
    0:31:07 And the reason why was not because that makes
    0:31:08 for a more effective meeting,
    0:31:10 but because it was like, if the right,
    0:31:13 if the person who we need to talk to is not in this room,
    0:31:16 it’s such a colossal waste of his time
    0:31:18 that we’ll just fly everybody here
    0:31:21 and we’re gonna have this, you know, 45 minute block.
    0:31:23 And that way everybody’s here
    0:31:24 because all of your time collectively
    0:31:26 is not worth as much as his, his hour.
    0:31:28 (laughing)
    0:31:30 It’s just like such an absurd.
    0:31:33 – Like it’s hard to, it’s hard to fathom this.
    0:31:35 Let me tell you a really quick one
    0:31:38 which is hard to work amongst this group, not universal.
    0:31:41 So there was one guy, you weren’t there.
    0:31:44 You were, Sean like busted his knee in the second hour
    0:31:46 or something like that and had to stay at home
    0:31:48 for like this whole, one whole session.
    0:31:49 And there was this guy there
    0:31:51 who was explaining how hard he grinds.
    0:31:53 And then there was this other guy
    0:31:55 who was one of the more successful guys there.
    0:31:58 He was like, I work like 20 hours a week.
    0:32:00 He’s like, once my companies got to be
    0:32:04 like some type of like predictable, stable, like,
    0:32:06 all right, if we just keep doing this for 10 years,
    0:32:10 we’re gonna grow 50% a year, hopefully like it’s gonna,
    0:32:12 whatever, he was like, I started to work in 20 hours a week.
    0:32:15 And he’s like, I wouldn’t work Fridays.
    0:32:17 And it was really interesting to see
    0:32:19 that not everyone worked hard.
    0:32:21 Did you get that sense from people?
    0:32:23 – The thing I pulled from it was
    0:32:26 some people were basically operating like monopolies
    0:32:29 and other people were not.
    0:32:31 Meaning there were some people playing a game
    0:32:33 where the competition is so vicious.
    0:32:36 Like, you know, like an easy example is YouTube.
    0:32:41 If you stop uploading, the game stop, the music stops.
    0:32:42 – There’s literally a million other businesses
    0:32:45 in that same exact space to the exact same exact thing
    0:32:46 who are ready to eat lunch.
    0:32:48 – And every idea you put out there in a video,
    0:32:50 somebody else is gonna copy.
    0:32:52 And a lot of people do copy the exact videos that he does
    0:32:53 and the exact script.
    0:32:55 It’s all public information.
    0:32:56 It’s all super competitive.
    0:32:57 There’s no gatekeeping.
    0:32:59 And then there’s other people who were like,
    0:33:02 yeah, all we had to do was get to this.
    0:33:04 Like, we just had to get this shelf space.
    0:33:07 Like, there was one guy who was showing us a shelf at Target.
    0:33:10 And he was like, basically seven years of the company
    0:33:13 was just like hard work dedicated to getting on the shelf.
    0:33:15 But once you’re on the shelf,
    0:33:17 it’s almost impossible for anybody else to get on the shelf.
    0:33:19 All we have to do now is stay on the shelf.
    0:33:20 By the way, this shelf right here,
    0:33:22 like this little rack you’re looking at,
    0:33:24 this is $300 million a year.
    0:33:27 And you’re just looking at it, you’re like, oh, damn.
    0:33:32 Like, wow, one shelf in Walmart, one shelf in Target
    0:33:35 is like the entire revenue streams
    0:33:36 of like these online only companies.
    0:33:38 But you’re extremely defensible
    0:33:41 compared to other businesses where
    0:33:43 the moment you take a break,
    0:33:46 you have the entire internet competing with you
    0:33:47 on that same thing, you know what I mean?
    0:33:51 – Yeah, yeah, that was an interesting thing.
    0:33:52 Do you have-
    0:33:54 – I have a quick one.
    0:33:55 Health is wealth.
    0:33:58 In a room full of very wealthy people,
    0:34:00 how many fancy clothes did you see?
    0:34:02 How many fancy watches did you see?
    0:34:05 How many fancy cars did you hear people bragging about?
    0:34:07 – Everyone, but Joe Gebbia looks shleppy.
    0:34:09 – Joe Gebbia looked great, even in-
    0:34:10 – Fantastic style.
    0:34:11 – Even in workout gear.
    0:34:13 He was wearing some nice shirts.
    0:34:15 – He looks like he should be in like a Taylor Sheridan show.
    0:34:18 Like if he made an appearance on “Landman”,
    0:34:20 I wouldn’t even blink.
    0:34:21 – Everyone besides him.
    0:34:23 Dude, do you know he’s on the board of Tesla?
    0:34:24 I didn’t know that either.
    0:34:26 Like he does a lot of interesting stuff.
    0:34:31 Everyone besides him looked like we’re at a slumber party.
    0:34:33 – Yeah, well, we were also.
    0:34:35 – Yeah, but during the day.
    0:34:37 – Yeah, that should be the title of the slumber party
    0:34:38 with billionaires.
    0:34:45 – So I’m obsessed with being transparent about money,
    0:34:47 particularly with ultra high net worth people.
    0:34:50 The reason being is that there’s not a lot of information
    0:34:51 on this demographic.
    0:34:53 And so because I own Hampton,
    0:34:54 which is a community for founders,
    0:34:57 I have access to thousands of young
    0:34:58 and incredibly high net worth people.
    0:35:00 We have people worth hundreds of millions
    0:35:02 and sometimes billions of dollars inside of Hampton.
    0:35:03 And so every year we do this thing
    0:35:05 called the Hampton Wealth Report
    0:35:07 where we survey over a thousand entrepreneurs
    0:35:09 and we ask them all types of information
    0:35:11 about their personal finances.
    0:35:13 We ask them about how they’re investing their money,
    0:35:15 what their portfolio looks like.
    0:35:17 We ask them about their monthly spend habits.
    0:35:18 We ask them how they’ve set up their estate,
    0:35:20 how much money they’re gonna leave to charity,
    0:35:22 how much money they keep in cash,
    0:35:23 how much money they’re paying themselves
    0:35:24 from their businesses.
    0:35:28 Basically every question that you wanna ask a rich person,
    0:35:30 we went and we do it for you
    0:35:32 and we do it with hundreds and hundreds of people.
    0:35:34 So if you wanna check out the report,
    0:35:35 it’s called the Hampton Wealth Report.
    0:35:37 Just go to joinhampton.com, click our menu
    0:35:39 and you’re gonna see a section called Reports
    0:35:40 and you’re gonna see it all right there.
    0:35:41 It’s very easy.
    0:35:43 So again, it’s called the Hampton Wealth Report.
    0:35:46 Go to joinhampton.com, click the menu
    0:35:47 and then click the report button.
    0:35:49 And let me know what you think.
    0:35:54 – So, but the health is well thing was very real.
    0:35:58 There was a lot of flexing on stuff you’re doing
    0:36:00 for your health, what you’re eating and not eating,
    0:36:02 how much, who’s your doctor?
    0:36:04 Who’s your, what’s your protocol?
    0:36:05 – But dude, no one was like–
    0:36:08 – That Jack or Rip or anything, were they?
    0:36:09 Other than Joe?
    0:36:12 – Yeah, I thought people were in pretty good shape.
    0:36:14 If you go to other industries, non,
    0:36:16 kind of like tech, internet, not our bubble, right?
    0:36:18 But like, go to like a conference
    0:36:22 with the wealthiest people in finance or oil or whatever,
    0:36:25 like pick any industry, their body shape looks a lot different.
    0:36:29 – No, everyone, they looked like a healthy 55 year old.
    0:36:31 – Dude, basically our day was go play basketball
    0:36:35 for three hours, like an intense basketball game, come home,
    0:36:37 go into a 250 degree sauna.
    0:36:40 Then when you’re tired of the sauna, go into this pond
    0:36:42 that was like freezing cold in North Carolina
    0:36:43 and go plunge for three minutes.
    0:36:46 So then go back into the sauna, then go back into the plunge.
    0:36:48 Then there’s like a masseuse doing body work
    0:36:49 and myofascial release for you.
    0:36:52 Then you’re eating and everybody’s gonna be cleaning.
    0:36:54 Every single person’s eating clean while we’re there, right?
    0:36:56 It’s like, dude, that was the norm.
    0:36:57 That is not normal.
    0:37:00 If you were drinking something out of a plastic bottle,
    0:37:03 it’s like basically doing heroin at this event.
    0:37:06 – Dude, me and Nick Huber got Taco Bell at midnight.
    0:37:08 – It’s secrecy.
    0:37:11 – Yeah, like we didn’t want to tell anyone.
    0:37:12 – Secrecy.
    0:37:15 Dude, I took like a feastable bar in my like,
    0:37:17 I like hid it in my hoodie and it crouched over to my bedroom
    0:37:19 and ate it like in shame over there
    0:37:20 because what am I gonna do?
    0:37:23 Sit here and eat a chocolate bar in front of these men.
    0:37:26 He’s just 52 years old and ripped.
    0:37:26 – Yeah, he looked great.
    0:37:27 – I was like, wow, this guy is, you know,
    0:37:31 on the Forbes, you know, self-made billionaires list
    0:37:34 and also just ripped for fun as a side quest.
    0:37:36 – Dude, yeah, yeah, I mean, he looked great.
    0:37:37 And then–
    0:37:40 – Jesse’s 56 and runs 100 mile races.
    0:37:41 How many 50 year olds are ripped
    0:37:42 and run 100 mile races?
    0:37:45 Nobody does that shit, especially successful guys.
    0:37:47 – Jimmy wanted to do like a taste test.
    0:37:49 He had everyone like gather around to do a taste test
    0:37:51 of like Hershey’s versus his stuff.
    0:37:54 And like I like pretended like, oh, wow, Jimmy,
    0:37:55 your stuff is great.
    0:37:56 I’ve never had this before,
    0:38:00 but like at every Airbnb in the kitchen,
    0:38:02 did you see this at every Airbnb?
    0:38:06 It was like literally 100 candy bars.
    0:38:11 And I literally had 2000 calories per night of his candy.
    0:38:13 I ate so much of it.
    0:38:15 I could tell you about all of it.
    0:38:18 Like I could, I did, I didn’t need a taste test.
    0:38:20 I could tell, I’m already an expert on,
    0:38:22 I could tell you about all the flavors,
    0:38:24 the peanut butter ones, the dark chocolate ones.
    0:38:26 – You don’t have to lick the wrapper for the taste tests.
    0:38:28 Like, no, no, no, no, this is just how I’m thorough.
    0:38:30 – Like I’ve already, I’m like, Jimmy, I already know.
    0:38:32 Like I’ve eaten all of them.
    0:38:35 And I had M&M’s and Hershey bars on the plate
    0:38:36 on the way here.
    0:38:37 Like I could tell you about–
    0:38:39 – The hilarious thing is when he’s hanging out
    0:38:42 with like the upper echelon of the group,
    0:38:44 he’s just like, I just tried a piece of this one.
    0:38:45 You don’t have to eat the whole thing.
    0:38:46 But like, you know, it’s more for younger people,
    0:38:47 but like whatever.
    0:38:48 And I was like, it’s for kids.
    0:38:49 – It’s for kids.
    0:38:51 And he’s like, he’ll give you like the dark chocolate flavor.
    0:38:52 – Yeah, I was like, dude–
    0:38:54 – And I’m sitting there with like cookies and cream
    0:38:54 all over my face.
    0:38:55 And I’m like, I like it.
    0:38:57 I like the cookies and cream one.
    0:39:00 (laughing)
    0:39:01 – It’s like my daughter just learned that.
    0:39:02 – It was my favorite, Jimmy.
    0:39:03 You have more of this one?
    0:39:05 – Yeah, my daughter just learned how to say more.
    0:39:09 But I feel like this, more, more, more.
    0:39:10 – Momo, Momo, this one.
    0:39:12 – I was doing this all the time, more, more, more.
    0:39:15 (laughing)
    0:39:18 – Can I give you some of the negative ones?
    0:39:20 – How about the guy who goes,
    0:39:21 at that point, I was broke.
    0:39:23 I think I only had like $20 million.
    0:39:24 (laughing)
    0:39:25 – Yeah, he’s telling some story.
    0:39:27 Well, there was a hilarious conversation about prenups,
    0:39:30 which is, you know, nothing more can be said
    0:39:32 except for there was an incredible conversation
    0:39:33 about prenups.
    0:39:34 – I wasn’t about to go outside.
    0:39:37 Me and someone else were gonna go outside of the sauna.
    0:39:39 And someone said, hey, can I ask you guys about prenup?
    0:39:42 And we were like, oh, let’s just sit right here.
    0:39:44 I just want to listen.
    0:39:45 Let’s just listen.
    0:39:48 That like next three hours was one of the most entertaining
    0:39:48 three hours of my life.
    0:39:52 Like I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in five, 10 years.
    0:39:54 Like I was literally like belly laugh crying.
    0:39:57 – Some shocking set setups.
    0:40:01 People are billionaires are not like you and me.
    0:40:03 If you’re listening to this, billionaires exist
    0:40:04 and they’re not like you.
    0:40:05 They’re not like you.
    0:40:09 – I would say is the mid-wit meme was in full effect.
    0:40:10 I’ll give you one example.
    0:40:12 So the way we played our basketball tournament
    0:40:15 was three teams and we played
    0:40:16 and then it was supposed to be
    0:40:19 the top two teams play for the finals.
    0:40:21 But all the teams finished the same record.
    0:40:22 We all had one win, one loss
    0:40:24 after everybody played each other.
    0:40:25 So it was like, okay, well,
    0:40:26 which two teams advanced to the finals?
    0:40:28 And so I, but everybody’s getting tired.
    0:40:29 So I had to make something up.
    0:40:30 So I was like, all right,
    0:40:31 we’re gonna do like a penalty kick shootout.
    0:40:34 So what’s the most exciting thing in sports
    0:40:36 is in hockey or soccer where they do the shootout.
    0:40:38 And it’s not gonna take up a bunch of energy
    0:40:40 ’cause like we’re old guys and people are getting hurt.
    0:40:41 We got to like, we can’t play an extra game
    0:40:43 to figure out who’s gonna go.
    0:40:45 So we said, all right, everybody step up to,
    0:40:47 every team, each team pick five guys,
    0:40:48 they’re gonna shoot a free throw
    0:40:50 and then the team that makes the least,
    0:40:52 like pressure’s on, everybody’s watching you.
    0:40:53 So it was interesting.
    0:40:56 One team, my team was like, this is a dictatorship.
    0:40:59 Like, y’all are the five best to the other guys.
    0:41:00 They’re better than you.
    0:41:01 These five are shooting.
    0:41:03 – Who was the dictator?
    0:41:04 – Well, I was a dictator.
    0:41:06 I didn’t even think there was another way.
    0:41:08 I was like, of course we’re just gonna pick our five best
    0:41:09 and do this.
    0:41:10 Like, honestly, I didn’t even consider another method.
    0:41:11 And I was the coach of my team
    0:41:13 ’cause I had gotten injured, I’m on crutches.
    0:41:14 And I was like doing that.
    0:41:17 The second guy, the second team did merit-based.
    0:41:19 And the third was like kind of like
    0:41:22 a volunteer voting system or whatever.
    0:41:23 And in the merit-based thing,
    0:41:25 a funny thing that happened was,
    0:41:27 one of the guys was probably less good at basketball
    0:41:30 overall, made it in the practice shot.
    0:41:31 And one of the guys who was one of their better players
    0:41:33 on the team just happened to miss.
    0:41:35 So I was like, damn, are y’all really gonna
    0:41:37 not have one of your best players shoot
    0:41:38 and have this other guy shoot?
    0:41:39 I was just watching, I’m like,
    0:41:40 I just wanna see what happens here.
    0:41:42 I wanna see what happened with the egos.
    0:41:44 I just need to know, I need to see this.
    0:41:45 The guy was like, you sure?
    0:41:46 You wanna do it?
    0:41:47 He’s like, no, no, no, you should do it.
    0:41:48 You made it.
    0:41:49 If you want to, I’ll do it.
    0:41:51 And then the guy’s like, no, I mean, I don’t know.
    0:41:52 I think I’m gonna do it.
    0:41:53 He’s like, okay, go ahead and do it.
    0:41:57 So the guy steps up and he shoots and he makes it.
    0:41:59 The guy who’s probably like, you know,
    0:42:01 one of the weaker basketball players makes it,
    0:42:03 clutched it up and has this awesome moment
    0:42:05 and his team advances to the finals.
    0:42:06 And I feel so happy for this guy.
    0:42:07 And I’m like, that was amazing.
    0:42:09 I’m like, I’m glad that they kind of honored it.
    0:42:11 – Real Rudy moment.
    0:42:13 – He had his Rudy moment, he honored it, he made it.
    0:42:14 Good for him.
    0:42:15 That was awesome, under pressure.
    0:42:17 I love, I wanted everybody to have like gold moments
    0:42:19 during the, during the event.
    0:42:21 But then after the final and this,
    0:42:23 their team goes on, wins the finals.
    0:42:25 Happy, they’re holding the trophy, it’s all good.
    0:42:28 Afterwards, we’re all like packing up to leave.
    0:42:30 And he’s like, he goes up to that guy,
    0:42:32 the other guy who sat out.
    0:42:34 And he’s like, hey, I want,
    0:42:36 can you with me go shoot free throws?
    0:42:38 I want to know if that was the correct,
    0:42:40 like EV decision, statistically.
    0:42:42 And the guy’s like, oh man, you already made it.
    0:42:43 Like you already made it, we already won.
    0:42:45 Like you’re good, did you did it?
    0:42:47 He’s like, no, no, no, I need to know.
    0:42:48 I need to know.
    0:42:52 And he’s like, no, like it’s like, honestly, it’s done.
    0:42:52 I’m glad you did it.
    0:42:53 You made it.
    0:42:54 He’s like, I need to know.
    0:42:57 And he’s like, all right, so they go and they shoot.
    0:42:59 And of course the guy who’s played basketball his whole life
    0:43:01 makes more of the free throws in like the,
    0:43:03 with the larger sample size.
    0:43:05 And then the other guy was like kind of head down for like,
    0:43:07 he’s kind of bummed out about it for a second.
    0:43:10 And I was like, what a,
    0:43:13 what an intelligently stupid thing to do, right?
    0:43:14 Like he wanted to know, like,
    0:43:16 was this a positive EV decision?
    0:43:17 What’s statistically the correct move?
    0:43:19 – What does EV mean?
    0:43:20 – Expected value.
    0:43:22 It’s like, if you’re playing poker, you can,
    0:43:24 you bet your chips and even if you lose,
    0:43:26 you’re still happy because you made the right decision.
    0:43:27 Even if the result didn’t pan out.
    0:43:28 – That’s so funny.
    0:43:29 – There’s chances.
    0:43:33 And so I was like, way to snatch,
    0:43:36 like way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
    0:43:38 And there was so many of these little moments where like,
    0:43:40 there’s this guy there who’s like, he’s a total catch.
    0:43:42 He’s like smart, he’s good looking, he’s ripped,
    0:43:45 he’s successful, all these things.
    0:43:47 And he, I just thought a guy like this
    0:43:50 could walk into a coffee shop and like,
    0:43:52 the cute barista would want him to talk to her.
    0:43:54 There’s a, I’ve always wanted to be that guy.
    0:43:56 You know, like, this guy could have been that guy.
    0:43:58 He could have been, it could be so easy for him
    0:44:00 to just meet someone amazing.
    0:44:02 And instead, do you want to describe?
    0:44:05 – So all right, I think what he did,
    0:44:06 what did he scrape?
    0:44:09 He built a program that scraped LinkedIn.
    0:44:10 – Start with the desired result.
    0:44:14 He’s like, I want a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman
    0:44:15 or something like that.
    0:44:15 I wasn’t there for the whole thing.
    0:44:18 – Whatever, someone who fit his like heritage.
    0:44:19 – So he was like, cool.
    0:44:21 So he built an AI bot to crawl LinkedIn
    0:44:24 to then scrape all the like successful, beautiful,
    0:44:26 like trained on images of women
    0:44:27 that he thought were beautiful.
    0:44:31 – Like every woman who was like of a certain like look
    0:44:34 in New York who was between, you know, whatever,
    0:44:37 22 and 30 or whatever, he had like a date of,
    0:44:39 he had binders of women.
    0:44:41 – He had binders of women, it was hilarious.
    0:44:42 And then he had this like whole system
    0:44:45 for how we could reach out to them with like, it was amazing.
    0:44:47 I don’t want to go into all the details, but like-
    0:44:49 – Dude, he had a dedicated iPhone there.
    0:44:51 He goes, this is my iPhone.
    0:44:54 And I, he goes, I have two full-time engineers
    0:44:58 who have built this program that auto DMs them,
    0:45:00 this particular DM on Instagram.
    0:45:02 Let me send her a voice note.
    0:45:03 I go, you send her voice notes.
    0:45:05 He goes, I have found that voice notes convert better.
    0:45:08 And like he like showed me the voice note.
    0:45:09 – As he told this whole system is like,
    0:45:11 what’s that thing called the Rorschach test or whatever?
    0:45:12 Where you see the blot and it’s like,
    0:45:14 you either see like a killer or an angel or whatever.
    0:45:16 His, it was like, some people were like,
    0:45:18 this is the most impressive thing I’ve ever seen.
    0:45:20 And then some people like the married guys
    0:45:23 who were like, you know, 50, 40s and 50s were like,
    0:45:26 brother, you’re, you’re, it’s too much.
    0:45:27 You’re doing too much here.
    0:45:31 You gotta just like, just see a cute girl and go talk to her.
    0:45:31 It’s okay.
    0:45:33 Let it, let it roll organically, baby.
    0:45:34 It’s going to work better that way.
    0:45:36 And I just thought it was hilarious.
    0:45:36 I’m really late.
    0:45:37 I got to go.
    0:45:38 I’m supposed to be speaking at something right now.
    0:45:39 I got to, I got to jet.
    0:45:40 I just realized I’m way over.
    0:45:41 – That’s it.
    0:45:42 That’s the pod.
    0:45:44 ♪ I feel like I can rule the world ♪
    0:45:47 ♪ I know I could be what I want to ♪
    0:45:49 ♪ I put my all in it like no days off ♪
    0:45:53 ♪ On a road let’s travel never looking back ♪
    0:45:57 – Hey, Sean here.
    0:45:59 I want to take a minute to tell you a David Ogilvy story.
    0:46:01 One of the great ad men.
    0:46:03 He said, remember, the consumer is not a moron.
    0:46:04 She’s your wife.
    0:46:06 You wouldn’t lie to your own wife.
    0:46:08 So don’t lie to mine.
    0:46:08 And I love that.
    0:46:09 You guys, you’re my family.
    0:46:11 You’re like my wife and I won’t lie to you either.
    0:46:15 So I’ll tell you the truth for every company I own right now.
    0:46:18 Six companies, I use Mercury for all of them.
    0:46:19 So I’m proud to partner with Mercury
    0:46:21 because I use it for all of my banking needs
    0:46:24 across my personal account, my business accounts.
    0:46:26 And anytime I start a new company,
    0:46:27 this is my first move, I go open up a Mercury account.
    0:46:29 I’m very confident in recommending it
    0:46:30 because I actually use it.
    0:46:30 I’ve used it for years.
    0:46:33 It is the best product on the market.
    0:46:34 So if you want to be like me
    0:46:37 and 200,000 other ambitious founders,
    0:46:39 go to mercury.com and apply in minutes.
    0:46:42 And remember, Mercury is a financial technology company,
    0:46:44 not a bank, banking services provided by Choice Financial
    0:46:47 Group and Evolve Bank and Trust members, FDIC.
    0:46:48 All right, back to the episode.

    Get our Business Monetization Playbook: https://clickhubspot.com/monetization

    Episode 671: Sam Parr ( https://x.com/theSamParr ) and Shaan Puri ( https://x.com/ShaanVP ) recap a weekend spent with billionaires in Greenville, NC. 

    Show Notes: 

    (0:00) Intro

    (4:49) Fish Where The Fish Swim, Not Where The Fishermen Stand

    (12:45) Man Does Not Sell Chocolate, He Becomes It

    (18:48) Non-Obnoxious Confidence Beats IQ

    (22:53) I Am

    (24:51) Take Your Billions and Shove It

    (30:20) Hardwork…..maybe?

    (32:41) Health is the New Status Symbol

    (37:39) Midwit meme in full effect

    Check Out Shaan’s Stuff:

    Need to hire? You should use the same service Shaan uses to hire developers, designers, & Virtual Assistants → it’s called Shepherd (tell ‘em Shaan sent you): https://bit.ly/SupportShepherd

    Check Out Sam’s Stuff:

    • Hampton – https://www.joinhampton.com/

    • Ideation Bootcamp – https://www.ideationbootcamp.co/

    • Copy That – https://copythat.com

    • Hampton Wealth Survey – https://joinhampton.com/wealth

    • Sam’s List – http://samslist.co/

    My First Million is a HubSpot Original Podcast // Brought to you by The HubSpot Podcast Network // Production by Arie Desormeaux // Editing by Ezra Bakker Trupiano