YAPClassic: Leila Hormozi, From Six Arrests to $100M Networth by Age 28

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0:01:22 Yap gang gang gang.
0:01:25 What is going on, my Yap BAM?
0:01:31 It is a Yap Classic day and we’re traveling back to 2022 for part one of my two-part interview
0:01:35 with rock star business mogul Leila Hermosi.
0:01:39 This was episode 202 that we did in 2022.
0:01:45 Leila is a first-generation Iranian-American entrepreneur, investor, and philanthropist.
0:01:50 She started her career in fitness and today she’s widely known as a scaling operations
0:01:53 and management expert entrepreneur.
0:01:59 She acquired a net worth of $100 million by the time she was 28 years old.
0:02:06 Now, I should have said 28 years young because damn, that is young and profiting.
0:02:12 But before she was a millionaire, Leila was a rebellious youth who once got arrested six
0:02:15 times in a matter of 18 months.
0:02:20 And in this episode, she shares with us how mentors like Tony Robbins changed her life
0:02:25 and how she met another rock star, her husband, Alex Hermosi, and how we can all make lasting
0:02:29 behavior in order to become the people we want to be.
0:02:34 And speaking of becoming the people we want to be, I remember Leila told me a story about
0:02:36 letting go of her past.
0:02:41 She had a difficult relationship with her mother and her mother was an alcoholic.
0:02:47 And for a long time, she hung on that and she actually learned that your memories are
0:02:52 often really inaccurate and that means that her past with her mother could have been worse
0:02:54 or it could have been better.
0:02:58 So if she doesn’t even know what it was, why is she holding on to memories that might not
0:02:59 even be true?
0:03:03 Now that part of our conversation literally stayed with me.
0:03:07 I’ve thought about it so many times and it’s helped me get over things that have happened
0:03:09 to me in the past.
0:03:13 So I hope this conversation is just as life changing for you.
0:03:19 Let’s jump right into my conversation with Leila Hermosi.
0:03:26 So Leila, when we look at personalities as adults, we can often drive the reasoning behind
0:03:29 our strongest personality traits from our childhood, right?
0:03:34 We can often see the experiences that we had as a childhood sort of shape us as we’re
0:03:35 an adult.
0:03:38 So you are an extraordinary example of an entrepreneur.
0:03:41 So I’d love to understand what were your experiences growing up?
0:03:44 How do you think they shaped you as the entrepreneur that you are today?
0:03:47 I think it’s experiences and also lack of experiences, right?
0:03:53 And so if I look at what I had as a child and what I didn’t have as a child, which I’m
0:03:57 really grateful for because it’s made me who I am today, I didn’t have a very present mother
0:03:59 figure after a certain point in my life.
0:04:02 My parents got divorced when I was young.
0:04:03 They got divorced.
0:04:09 My mother kind of went off the rails into alcohol and drugs and just not down a good path.
0:04:14 And I still continue to live with her during that time because when my parents were married,
0:04:16 my dad was always at work and so I wasn’t really close with him.
0:04:18 And so when the divorce came, it was kind of like you’re in a little with mom because
0:04:20 he was a great mom up until that point in my life.
0:04:22 But at that point, a shift took.
0:04:26 So my sister actually at that point was six years older than me, left the house.
0:04:29 It was time for her to go to college and then my dad left because they were getting divorced.
0:04:31 And so it was me and my mom.
0:04:33 Then her dad died and that really set her off.
0:04:38 And so that was when she went down and not great trajectory into alcohol.
0:04:41 And I witnessed it as a young kid.
0:04:45 There was quite a bit of like a lack of leadership because I went, I would go to my dad’s I think
0:04:50 once every two weeks in the beginning, but I hid what was going on for my dad because
0:04:51 I was afraid that I would have to go live with him.
0:04:55 And at that point I didn’t really have a relationship, which is crazy to say because like now I’m
0:04:56 so close with my dad.
0:04:57 He’s amazing.
0:05:00 But at that point, we didn’t have the closest relationship.
0:05:02 And I was a kid and I just wanted to be near my mom.
0:05:07 And so she kind of continued down the spiral with alcohol and I tried to, I think that
0:05:12 honestly what happened was that I became the parent in the household at a very young age.
0:05:18 And so she kind of turned into or regressed into acting more like a child.
0:05:20 And so I naturally turned into acting more like an adult.
0:05:21 Like I would clean the house.
0:05:24 I would take care of the animals because we had like a ton of animals at that point
0:05:25 time.
0:05:26 I would be trash.
0:05:27 I would make sure there was food.
0:05:28 Like I would take care of myself.
0:05:29 So like I would go to my friend’s houses.
0:05:30 I would get food there.
0:05:32 Like I would make sure like I was taken care of.
0:05:33 I got my homework done on my own.
0:05:34 I went to bed on time.
0:05:37 Like I learned it at a really young age.
0:05:40 I think that was between the ages of with all that happening.
0:05:45 I want to say between nine and then it ended when I was 15, you know, it was a lot of her
0:05:50 not coming home, being gone for days on end when she was home being drunk and not present.
0:05:55 And me having to, during that time, learn to be an adult.
0:05:59 And so I think it really accelerated that process because I actually don’t think that
0:06:02 I would be who I am today if my parents had stayed together.
0:06:03 Wow.
0:06:06 Like I think both of them were very much like they came from the generation that became
0:06:07 helicopter parents.
0:06:12 And so like I think that if they had stayed together, I probably would have been, I don’t
0:06:16 know if I can say bad words on this podcast, I would have been not, I would have been a
0:06:17 pussy.
0:06:18 Honestly, that’s like what comes to mind.
0:06:22 Like I think I just would have been kind of like really like sheltered my whole life.
0:06:27 And so I’m really grateful that it happened because what inspired within me was a motivation
0:06:29 that I don’t think I otherwise would have had.
0:06:34 And I’ll tell you the moment that I had this happen was I was sitting in the office of my
0:06:39 childhood home and my mom, it was like three AM, she had told me she was going to be home
0:06:40 multiple days in a row, wasn’t home.
0:06:41 It’s three AM.
0:06:42 I’m calling her.
0:06:43 I’m like, are you dead?
0:06:44 Like just tell me you’re alive.
0:06:45 Right.
0:06:47 And at that point it was just like, I just want to make sure she was still alive.
0:06:48 That was all it was.
0:06:52 And I was sitting there and I called her like 10 times in a row and I remember I put down
0:06:53 the phone.
0:06:54 I was like, this woman’s not going to answer.
0:06:58 I was like, and I am not going to change this woman and I’m not going to change this
0:06:59 situation.
0:07:02 And like, I get chills every time I think, I’m like 10 years old at this point.
0:07:07 And I remember thinking to myself, there’s nothing I can do to change my mom.
0:07:12 I can’t change my mom, but I can change my current situation and my life.
0:07:17 And in that moment, I remember making a choice, which was one, the rest of my life will make
0:07:18 up for how shitty this is.
0:07:21 Like not having, feeling like you have a parent figure, right?
0:07:24 Like watching them like degrade their lives, like go down the drain.
0:07:25 It sucked.
0:07:28 And I was always stressed and it felt like it was living in a constant state of fear.
0:07:32 And so I remember thinking like, I have to make up for this later on.
0:07:35 And I want to be an inspiration to others who are in similar situations.
0:07:38 And I don’t know where that came from, but it was just the first thought that popped into
0:07:39 my mind.
0:07:45 And then the second thought that came with that was, I will no longer sacrifice my life
0:07:49 for hers, because what I was doing at that point was my whole life revolved around making
0:07:52 sure my mom was still alive, making sure that she doesn’t drink too much, hiding the
0:07:55 bottles, pouring them out, like doing all of that.
0:07:58 And I realized that I couldn’t do that anymore.
0:08:04 And so within, I think a matter of months, she actually kind of went even further and
0:08:07 further down and ended up calling the police one day.
0:08:11 They came and that was the last time I ever lived with my mother.
0:08:12 I went to go live with my dad after that.
0:08:17 So that was after about five or six years of living with just her in that condition.
0:08:21 And it was actually really weird because going to live with my dad was very uncomfortable.
0:08:24 And the reason it was uncomfortable is because I had parents.
0:08:27 And I felt like for those years that I was living with her, you know, I would see my
0:08:31 dad once every two weeks for a day or two, but like I felt like this huge portion of
0:08:36 my childhood, I didn’t have any guides, I didn’t have any parents, I didn’t have anyone
0:08:40 watching over me in the sense that I didn’t feel supported.
0:08:43 It was a very tough transition, you know, I think I rebelled a ton.
0:08:45 It took me into a very angry place.
0:08:49 I had a lot of anger for the fact that one, I felt like I knew how to parent and lead
0:08:53 myself, but now I had to be in this household where I had siblings who I didn’t really know
0:08:54 well.
0:08:55 They’re my step siblings, right?
0:08:56 Not like they’re bad or anything.
0:08:57 They’re just, you know, I’m around them.
0:08:58 I’m the youngest also.
0:08:59 So everyone treats me like a kid.
0:09:03 And I’m thinking to myself, I’ve been taking care of myself for the last five fucking years.
0:09:05 And so it felt very much like in reverse.
0:09:08 Like these things should have happened in the opposite order.
0:09:10 And so it turned me into a very angry teenager.
0:09:15 You know, I started kind of going down the path of just rebelling against anything my
0:09:16 dad wanted me to do.
0:09:20 You know, I’d always been, despite everything with my mother, like a very good student, I
0:09:21 still was a very good friend.
0:09:26 I was like a very, I had a lot of integrity and I kind of started going the opposite direction.
0:09:27 I started drinking.
0:09:28 I started sneaking out.
0:09:31 I started doing a lot of stuff, but it was intermittent because that was during high
0:09:33 school and there’s only so much you can do.
0:09:39 And so I think that it kind of, you know, snowballed when I got into college because
0:09:43 I remember that right after I graduated high school, the feeling of freedom I had, you
0:09:48 know, being like, I now don’t have authority anymore over me and still having this intense
0:09:52 anger inside of me and also anxiety going into college.
0:09:57 And it just manifested in first getting invited to parties and then like going and drinking
0:09:58 too much.
0:10:00 And then going to parties, not just on the weekends, but on week nights.
0:10:03 And then it was like, you’re partying all the time and you’re drinking all the time.
0:10:07 And that led to me getting arrested six times in 18 months and people always ask, what did
0:10:08 you get arrested for?
0:10:11 I’m like, literally just all alcohol is all alcohol related.
0:10:17 And so it put me in a really dark spot because I’d spent the better part of my life up until
0:10:22 then being this almost like hero to my mom, being like the parent figure.
0:10:25 And then it was like the moment that I got out of the house and I went into college and
0:10:28 I had access to all these things.
0:10:34 It was like 18 months of just ruining my body and myself and losing a lot of respect for
0:10:35 myself during that time.
0:10:42 And it got to a point where there was an incident where I think I passed out on someone’s like
0:10:47 deck and the police found me and they took me to my dad’s house and I remember I woke
0:10:52 up in my dad’s house and I was like, Oh, fuck, you know, what did I do?
0:10:53 Right.
0:10:56 I was living on my own at this point and I was like, I’m at my dad’s house right now
0:10:57 and I don’t remember what happened.
0:10:59 I was like, this is not good.
0:11:02 And I came downstairs and my dad was like almost in tears and he sat me down and he
0:11:06 was like, listen, he was like, I’m not going to try and change you and I’m not going to
0:11:10 try and tell you, you shouldn’t do these things like you’re out on your own now.
0:11:14 He’s like, but I’m just telling you, like, I think that you could kill yourself if you
0:11:15 continue with this behavior.
0:11:21 And that was really hard to hear from my dad, who I have so much respect for and, you know,
0:11:22 he’s such a good person.
0:11:24 He’s always tried to be the best parent possible.
0:11:29 And it was in that moment that it was like almost like a flash came in and I was like,
0:11:31 who was that little girl?
0:11:34 Like remember that little girl that was sitting in the office with her, you know, her mom’s
0:11:38 house who just wanted to be a better version of herself, who just wanted to be an inspiration
0:11:39 to others.
0:11:45 And all of that almost seemed to like flood back into me and it fled back again, I think
0:11:49 in the form of anger, which again is interesting, but it’s a theme you’ll see here.
0:11:53 I was angry at myself, but I think that it was a very useful emotion for me at that time
0:11:58 because I was angry of where I let myself go that I’m so smart and knew better and still
0:12:00 went down that path.
0:12:07 And I use that anger to fuel myself to lose 85 pounds, to get good grades in college, to
0:12:13 start pursuing self development, personal development outside of that, you know, start pursuing mentors.
0:12:17 That was really what propelled me to turn my life around was that moment sitting there
0:12:21 with my dad feeling just like, honestly, like a piece of shit.
0:12:22 Yeah.
0:12:25 I could say that, but I just felt like, I felt like a dirt bad, like I just felt so
0:12:26 bad about myself.
0:12:32 And I was like, I have to see out what I said I would do when I was younger.
0:12:33 I want to become that person.
0:12:35 And this doesn’t have to be the end.
0:12:40 Like I was like, I’m young, you know, at that point I’m 19, I’m like, I can turn this around.
0:12:44 I did all that in 18 months, imagine how fast I can go in the opposite direction.
0:12:48 And so it really was that it was channeling some of the same emotions to go in the opposite
0:12:49 direction.
0:12:53 And that was what really propelled me to change my life.
0:12:56 And really, I think I have a strong focus on behavior change because I’ve done it so
0:12:57 much for myself.
0:12:58 Yeah.
0:13:03 And I think a lot of the reason I’m drawn towards leadership is because I think that
0:13:05 I have learned to lead myself over the years.
0:13:08 And I’ve also learned to lead myself out of a bad spot.
0:13:12 And I think that a lot of people, especially nowadays with social media, nobody wants to
0:13:14 talk about their setbacks.
0:13:17 And if they just want to show that they’re perfect, they don’t want to show that they
0:13:18 fucked up.
0:13:22 And I want to share that I’ve fucked up and you can still come out the other side, like
0:13:23 there’s still time.
0:13:24 100%.
0:13:28 I mean, there’s so many lessons to be learned in this story.
0:13:33 And I also was like, party aunt, me and you are both of Middle Eastern descent.
0:13:35 We’re locked up in high school, right?
0:13:39 Like they don’t let us date, do any, I mean, for me at least, like I was locked up during
0:13:40 high school.
0:13:44 When I went to college, I was in party mode, but like you, I ended up turning it around
0:13:47 when I was like 19 and kind of getting back on track.
0:13:48 And it’s not too late.
0:13:52 And I, like I mentioned to you before, we really started recording, most of my listeners
0:13:56 are male, they’re young male listeners.
0:14:00 And I had Scott Galloway on the show, who’s a New York NYU student professor, best-selling
0:14:02 author, huge podcaster.
0:14:06 And he always talks about men are in trouble right now, young men.
0:14:08 And he told me some troubling statistics.
0:14:13 He believes young men are struggling to compete because women and men now have an equal playing
0:14:15 field in terms of education and business.
0:14:19 So soon two women will graduate college for every one man.
0:14:20 Male earnings are declining.
0:14:24 It’s leading to lower marriage rates, lots of other problems.
0:14:29 And in general, I feel cause my young male listeners reach out to me and DM me and send
0:14:34 me voice notes all the time about how they’re so unmotivated, they’re unfocused, they can’t
0:14:40 stop partying, they’re playing too many video games, they’re not joining communities and
0:14:42 they’re just lost.
0:14:46 And I feel like this point in your life, you did turn it around and you did, you know,
0:14:49 go on this self-development journey.
0:14:54 And so I really wanted to unpack what you actually did to catch yourself out of this
0:14:56 party mode and to turn things around.
0:14:57 Yeah.
0:15:01 I started listening to Tony Robbins and Jim Rohn, which now it’s kind of funny.
0:15:03 I think they’re probably outdated at this point and the younger generation doesn’t listen
0:15:04 to them.
0:15:06 But I learned a lot from them.
0:15:11 And one of the first things was, what am I consuming and who am I hanging out with?
0:15:14 And so the first thing that I did was I stopped watching Netflix.
0:15:16 I remember I like got rid of my subscription.
0:15:17 I started watching YouTube.
0:15:22 I started watching like there was different like platforms at that point of online videos.
0:15:23 I started watching Tony Robbins, Jim Rohn.
0:15:25 I started listening to Rich Dad, Poor Dad.
0:15:28 I started pouring myself into education rather than entertainment.
0:15:31 That was the first thing that I did and that was a swap I made in my head.
0:15:36 I was like, no more entertainment, only education for now this season.
0:15:39 Does that mean I can’t watch an episode of something later on?
0:15:40 No.
0:15:42 Now I’ve had so much momentum in the wrong direction.
0:15:46 I need to get momentum in the right direction and Nersha is real.
0:15:48 And so I was like, I need to turn this around immediately.
0:15:53 So I went all in on self development in terms of Tony Robbins, Jim Rohn, Rich Dad, Poor Dad.
0:15:58 So it was a lot of behavioral change mindset and even money beliefs because I felt like
0:16:00 I didn’t have the best beliefs around money.
0:16:06 The second thing I did was looking at all the people I was hanging out with and really
0:16:11 doing an audit of, do these people want me to succeed or are they feeding the bad habits
0:16:12 I have today?
0:16:14 Not because they’re toxic.
0:16:15 I hate that word.
0:16:17 I’m like, when people look they’re toxic, I’m like, fucking, you’d set some boundaries
0:16:18 for adults.
0:16:19 Right?
0:16:20 Like just the boundaries.
0:16:22 And so I was like, here’s my new boundaries.
0:16:25 Some of these people I’m not friends with, some of these people I see once a month, some
0:16:27 of these people I only talk on the phone to.
0:16:30 And I wrote it down in my notebook, what I was going to do with all my friends.
0:16:34 And I don’t even think I’ve told any of them that to this day and a lot of them probably
0:16:37 don’t have the best things to say because I kind of disappeared from the face of the
0:16:38 earth for a while.
0:16:42 But I knew that’s what I needed to do because I just knew that at that point I was such
0:16:43 a people pleaser.
0:16:46 Like I wanted to, it’s almost like you want to excel in anything you did.
0:16:50 I also wanted to be the biggest partier that could drink the most.
0:16:51 That was the coolest.
0:16:52 That could throw the biggest parties.
0:16:54 And so it’s like, I needed to channel that somewhere else.
0:16:58 I need to get around people who didn’t think that that was something that would drive status,
0:17:01 but instead thought that was something like you looked down upon.
0:17:05 And so then I started saying, okay, who are the people that I want to get around.
0:17:07 I realized I didn’t have any at that point.
0:17:13 There was nobody in my inner circle that I felt like would contribute to my growth.
0:17:15 And so this was while I was in college, right?
0:17:17 I was like, I have to move.
0:17:20 Like I can’t right now, I’m going to graduate, but I set my eyes on it.
0:17:21 I was like, I’m moving to California.
0:17:25 I remember I decided at one night when my friends all went to the bar and I went with
0:17:31 them sober and I was like, I’m so fucking over this because I was trying to do some things
0:17:32 with them.
0:17:35 It was like once a month, I’d go out and I’d be the DD or whatever, but I was like, I
0:17:36 hate this.
0:17:40 I would rather be doing something that was driving me towards my goals, not doing something
0:17:43 just to like maintain friendships that are pretty much just surface level now.
0:17:45 And so it was that night.
0:17:48 I remember I told my friends, I said, you guys, I’m moving to California after I graduate.
0:17:49 And they were like, what are you talking about?
0:17:51 I was like, yeah, I’ve just decided.
0:17:53 I like decided in that moment.
0:17:55 And then I told everybody that night, I told everyone I’m moving to California after I
0:17:59 graduate and moving to California after I graduate, like, and then that was it.
0:18:05 And so after I graduated, that was the biggest, that was one of the biggest, if not the most
0:18:10 like the unlock for my personal growth was I moved all the way across the country when
0:18:11 I didn’t know anybody.
0:18:13 I didn’t really have a plan.
0:18:16 I didn’t have anything over there waiting for me.
0:18:18 And I didn’t know how I was going to make money or how I was going to make it work.
0:18:19 And I’m like a young woman.
0:18:25 It’s not like I’m like, I’m 20 when I went over there, I think I was what 21.
0:18:29 And that was what stirred up so much for me because I think a lot of people like, tell
0:18:31 me the books that you read, tell me the stuff.
0:18:36 What I did was I put myself in a situation where my back was against the wall.
0:18:39 And I was insanely uncomfortable, like to the point where like, when I would move there,
0:18:42 I remember on a weekly basis having panic attacks.
0:18:43 I didn’t know anybody.
0:18:44 I didn’t have any support system.
0:18:46 I didn’t know how it’s going to make money.
0:18:47 I mean, it was terrifying.
0:18:52 And not to mention, I bought or I signed a lease for an apartment online that ended up
0:18:55 being like in the ghetto with like, you know, barbed wire on the fence and shit.
0:18:58 So I get there and I’m like, I can’t even walk in my own neighborhood.
0:19:02 It was a really unsettling experience.
0:19:06 And I quickly learned that I had to make it work for myself.
0:19:07 Nobody could do it for me.
0:19:13 No amount of affirmations and mindset work was going to go do the work.
0:19:17 And I think that that is where a lot of people go wrong is it’s great to have positive things
0:19:18 you say to yourself.
0:19:22 It’s important in much of a sense that you talk to yourself like you’re your best friend.
0:19:23 Yes.
0:19:25 But if you take no action, none of that matters.
0:19:28 And I think that a lot of the times nowadays, people are spending so much time in their
0:19:29 heads.
0:19:31 That’s what I feel like this generation is doing.
0:19:35 They spend more time in their heads than they do taking action.
0:19:37 Feelings and beliefs can follow the action.
0:19:41 If you can just get yourself to take action when you are scared shitless, you will change
0:19:42 your thoughts and beliefs.
0:19:45 You can act despite not believing it’s going to work.
0:19:46 And that is exactly what I did.
0:19:48 I didn’t know how I was going to make it work.
0:19:52 And I went and I applied and I worked at, I applied to every gym within walking distance
0:19:54 of my apartment.
0:19:57 And I got accepted all of them, but I was like, they’re like, oh, you have a three month
0:19:58 training program.
0:19:59 You get paid like $9 an hour.
0:20:02 And I was like, fuck, no, I’m not going to not be able to pay my rent.
0:20:07 So I went to the only gym that was like, you can make money immediately, which was 24 hour
0:20:08 fitness.
0:20:09 And that was where I learned how to sell.
0:20:12 But then you have to understand, I went there having only knowledge of like how to lose
0:20:15 weight, nutrition, whatever I learned at college that didn’t really matter.
0:20:18 I go there and they’re like, you need to go sell some shit if you want to make money.
0:20:19 Like you go get your own clients.
0:20:21 And I was like, oh, shit.
0:20:23 Again, my back stands the wall.
0:20:24 I’m like, what do I do?
0:20:26 Like I’m not a salesperson.
0:20:28 I never identified as a salesperson.
0:20:29 I was like the last thing.
0:20:31 It kind of disgusted me in the word.
0:20:35 And I was like, fuck, I have to, there’s, what else am I going to do?
0:20:40 And I remember the first time that I approached them on that, the gym, I was terrified.
0:20:44 And I went up to this woman, they were like, go talk to people on the ellipticals, on the
0:20:47 gyms that you see not doing things right, whatever, go try to get them to your clients.
0:20:49 And I went up to this woman and I was like, excuse me.
0:20:51 And she was like, she looks at me.
0:20:52 She stops.
0:20:53 And she goes, fuck off.
0:20:55 And now it’s my first experience.
0:20:57 There’s just rejection from day one.
0:21:05 So it was really hard, but that feeling of stress and anxiety, I channeled into learning.
0:21:10 I was like, I cannot, I won’t, no amount of thinking is going to get me out of this situation.
0:21:15 I need to learn these skills and I need to become this different person in order to get
0:21:16 out of this situation.
0:21:20 And so I took all that anxiety and all that stress, all that frenetic energy that I had
0:21:23 and I poured it into learning, I poured it into learning sales, I poured it into learning
0:21:27 how to retain customers, I poured it into learning how to become a teammate because I didn’t
0:21:29 even know how to do that.
0:21:31 And that was what I spent a lot of my time doing.
0:21:36 And so I think that a lot of the times when people are asking about self development and
0:21:40 personal development, I think that there’s a piece missing, which is a lot of people
0:21:45 believe you have to have, you have to think a certain way and you have to believe something
0:21:47 before you do it.
0:21:49 And that’s just never been the case in my life.
0:21:51 If you had told me, like, did you believe you were going to make all this money by the
0:21:54 age of, fuck, no, like, no.
0:21:58 And then they’re like, do you believe that acquisition.com is going to become a billion?
0:21:59 No.
0:22:03 But I’m doing it because I know logically that it makes sense and I’m capable.
0:22:04 Yeah.
0:22:05 Does that make sense?
0:22:06 100%.
0:22:08 It’s like this small, consistent action, taking action.
0:22:12 And I see something really similar and I say it when it’s, when it comes to rejection,
0:22:16 I’ve been rejected a lot of times, like I almost had a show on MTV, I got rejected.
0:22:19 I almost was a host on Hot 97, I got rejected, almost got rejected.
0:22:20 It’s serious.
0:22:24 And I always say the reason how I like became successful is I just, every time I got rejected,
0:22:29 I just channeled it into learning something new, just learning a new skill and getting
0:22:30 amazing at it.
0:22:31 You know, and that’s what I did every time.
0:22:34 And it sounds very similar to what you’re saying.
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0:27:35 Let’s move on to your sales skills because you said that you knew nothing about sales
0:27:39 when you went to California, but you ended up being the top selling personal trainer
0:27:42 in your region, I think within a year.
0:27:45 If you didn’t have any sales experience previously, you said you got it from experience.
0:27:49 I guess what would you say your top things that you learned as a salesperson during that
0:27:53 time was because now you’ve carried that skill and used it in multiple ways throughout
0:27:54 your career?
0:27:59 I think that there’s two things because Alex and I, when we met, for example, we both had
0:28:02 sales aptitude, but we sell completely differently.
0:28:05 I know that because we sold side by side for a year with each other.
0:28:09 Our conversations sound completely different and we both had around the same closing rate.
0:28:12 Most people can sell things that they believe in.
0:28:16 I think that a lot of times people are trying to, if you look at the mechanics of sales,
0:28:19 we’re trying to fake belief.
0:28:24 Most people, sales training is often faking belief in the product when I think I found
0:28:29 a product that I believed in, which was personal training, nutrition, losing weight.
0:28:31 I truly believed in that.
0:28:33 That was the first thing, and that’s why I advise a lot of salespeople to reach out to
0:28:34 me.
0:28:35 They’re like, “I’m not getting it.”
0:28:37 I’m like, “Do you believe in the product?”
0:28:38 They’re like, “Fundamentally, no.
0:28:42 I’m actually … It’s like a vegan selling meat or something.”
0:28:45 It fundamentally doesn’t match with their belief systems.
0:28:49 The first step is that you have to make sure that you are being integrist, which means
0:28:52 what you think, what you say, and what you do are all aligned.
0:28:57 For me, the one thing that I realized by speaking with different people, especially, I think
0:28:59 my boss at that time, he was a sales manager.
0:29:00 He was really good.
0:29:01 He was like, “Layla, do you believe in this?”
0:29:02 I was like, “Absolutely.”
0:29:06 He’s like, “Well, then why do you not feel convicted to try and get people to buy it?”
0:29:10 That was the unlock for me, was if you believe in something and you really know it’s the right
0:29:17 option and the best option for somebody, I’m obligated to try and get them to buy it.
0:29:19 I’m like, “What other options do they have?”
0:29:20 Not many.
0:29:22 This is the way that it actually has to go.
0:29:26 It’s the hardest, and it’s the most expensive, but it’s definitely the best.
0:29:31 I think that the first one is having integrity about the product that you’re selling, which
0:29:32 sounds super cheesy.
0:29:34 It’s not tactical at all, but a lot of people are very misaligned.
0:29:37 You’d be surprised when people don’t message me and they say, “I’m just not selling.”
0:29:38 Then I say, “Do you even believe in the thing?”
0:29:41 They switch jobs, and then they’re the top-closer.
0:29:44 That was the first thing for me, was I had done it myself.
0:29:45 I had lost all the weight.
0:29:46 I had seen how it changed my life.
0:29:48 It’s not hard to preach that to other people.
0:29:52 It’s not hard to try and sell someone that, because I would if it wasn’t paid.
0:29:53 Yeah.
0:29:56 You need that conviction so you have the confidence when you’re selling.
0:29:58 Otherwise, people can just see right through you.
0:29:59 100%.
0:30:01 If you really believe in it, the conviction comes naturally.
0:30:03 You don’t have to fake it.
0:30:08 The second thing that I did learn that was a skill was having the right frame for the
0:30:09 conversation.
0:30:15 A lot of people who really believe in a product are still people-pleasing while they’re trying
0:30:16 to sell.
0:30:19 Because they’re trying to get that person to like them rather than trying to get that
0:30:22 person to buy or to make a decision, that’s what they’re really doing right.
0:30:27 They want the person to like them more than they want the person to buy or make a decision.
0:30:28 They’re trying to tiptoe around it.
0:30:32 I had to make that frame shift, and I realized I have to be the authority.
0:30:36 Just like if someone’s the leader in a business, you’re not going to be liked all the time.
0:30:39 It’s important though that you’re able to positively influence people in the business.
0:30:41 Does that mean they’re always going to like you for it?
0:30:42 No.
0:30:43 But will they be better for it?
0:30:44 Yes.
0:30:45 It’s the same in sales.
0:30:49 I had to learn how to develop more confidence and more of an authoritative frame within
0:30:50 myself.
0:30:55 How I spoke, how I led, how I led the conversation, I didn’t let them lead the conversation.
0:30:59 That was the biggest unlock for me was realizing that I have to be the one leading them through
0:31:00 the conversation.
0:31:05 I’m the authority in this conversation, and I should be because I actually give a shit.
0:31:08 Who better to be an authority than someone who actually cares about the person on the
0:31:09 other side?
0:31:10 Yeah.
0:31:13 So it’s like telling them something like the truth, even though it hurts and it’s not
0:31:17 going to make you the most liked person, but it’s going to help them accomplish their
0:31:18 goal.
0:31:20 A man could never say this to a woman during a consultation.
0:31:24 But the amount of times I said, when’s the last time you had sex with the lights on to
0:31:25 a woman?
0:31:28 Because I knew she didn’t because I wouldn’t have either when I was fat.
0:31:29 Nobody wants to see that.
0:31:30 You don’t want to see it yourself.
0:31:35 I was like, when’s the last time that you like put on clothing in front of a mirror?
0:31:36 Wow.
0:31:37 Because they don’t.
0:31:38 And someone’s that overweight?
0:31:39 They don’t even look in a mirror.
0:31:42 It’s those questions that though they hurt and they don’t feel good in the moment, I
0:31:45 was like, that is what’s going to make someone, that’s what’s going to get someone to make
0:31:47 a decision that’s going to better their life.
0:31:50 And I think the difference between manipulation and influence is manipulation is getting someone
0:31:54 to do something that’s detrimental to themselves, whereas influence is getting someone to do
0:31:57 something that is beneficial for themselves and in line with their own personal goals and
0:31:58 autonomy.
0:32:02 That was really the one piece that I needed to succeed in sales was understanding that
0:32:07 I was the authority and I had all the evidence to back that I should be the authority.
0:32:12 And I also had the, the give a shit where it made sense to me to be.
0:32:13 Yeah.
0:32:14 Makes total sense.
0:32:15 Great advice.
0:32:20 So let’s talk about your agenda at one point to find a man, right?
0:32:21 I heard a story.
0:32:25 I’ve heard you say the story that you were doing a bumble date every single weekend because
0:32:28 you realized that dating was sort of a volume game.
0:32:29 And then you met Alex.
0:32:30 I’d love to hear that story.
0:32:31 Yeah.
0:32:36 So I’ll tell you how it started, which was I actually worked at 24 and my boss at that
0:32:41 time, who was a sales manager, he was like, I told him, I was like, I got on Tinder and
0:32:42 bumble.
0:32:45 I was like, Tinder’s disgusting, but bumble seems fine.
0:32:48 And he was, I remember I said, like, you know, I’m going to try and go on a date every
0:32:49 couple of weeks, something, something.
0:32:52 And he said, you know, Layla, he’s like, I think dating is a lot like sales.
0:32:53 I was like, how?
0:32:55 He’s like, well, I think it’s a numbers game.
0:32:58 Like think about how many consults you have to have with somebody in order to get a client.
0:32:59 I was like, yeah.
0:33:02 He’s like, well, how many dates do you think you have to go on in order to get somebody
0:33:04 to be a boyfriend?
0:33:05 Maybe even more.
0:33:06 And I was like, interesting.
0:33:09 And he’s like, and I remember he said this, like, don’t you think that dating would be
0:33:11 very good practice for sales?
0:33:12 And I was like, how so?
0:33:14 He’s like, well, you’re meeting strangers.
0:33:17 You’re having to basically sell yourself to them and you’re in uncomfortable situations.
0:33:19 And I was like, huh.
0:33:22 So he essentially sold me on this concept.
0:33:27 And so I said, okay, well, how do I, how do I work leads right now in my sales job?
0:33:28 Okay.
0:33:31 I don’t know how to do that, but for dating, which was, you know, I had a time set aside
0:33:35 every day where it was like for an hour, I called all the leads and whatever, maybe more
0:33:36 than an hour.
0:33:40 And I would bang the phones and so I said, okay, what can I commit to for dating?
0:33:42 I have my lunch break every day.
0:33:43 It’s minimum 30 minutes.
0:33:47 I will just literally swipe and do nothing but swipe while I eat for 30 minutes.
0:33:48 And so that was what I did.
0:33:50 And that was what I promised myself.
0:33:54 I said, my goal is to get a date a week if I swipe for 30 minutes.
0:33:55 And so that’s what I did.
0:34:00 And I started going on dates and a lot of them sucked.
0:34:03 Like I had one guy try and sneak me into a movie theater, not telling me because he
0:34:04 didn’t want to pay.
0:34:08 I had another guy who took me to a dinner and then told me he wished I wouldn’t talk.
0:34:11 I mean, like I had so many bad dates.
0:34:14 The difference was that I didn’t let it discourage me from going on another one.
0:34:18 And so I talked to a lot of women now and they, they asked me about this.
0:34:20 And they’re like, listen, Layla, I did that for three months.
0:34:23 I’m like, girl, I did that for 18 months.
0:34:29 I’m like, get back to me when you’ve swiped every day for 30 minutes, gone on 60 dates.
0:34:31 And then tell me what you think.
0:34:36 Just like you’re looking for the ideal client if you’re in sales, dating is the same way,
0:34:39 which is, you know, you have your criteria of what you’re looking for and you’re going
0:34:41 on dates, trying to find it.
0:34:44 And it’s just a funnel that you’re trying to continue to work through and through and
0:34:45 through.
0:34:48 And so honestly, I just took the same sales learnings that I had.
0:34:50 I applied them to dating and I just didn’t give up.
0:34:55 I had enough confidence in myself at the time that I was like, there’s somebody out there
0:34:56 for me.
0:34:58 Like, I know I’m a little weird and I’m a little different, you know, like I really
0:34:59 like business.
0:35:00 I really like working.
0:35:03 Like a lot of women at that time, especially in Newport Beach, California, it felt like
0:35:04 did not, right?
0:35:05 They just want like a sugar debt.
0:35:08 But I was like, I will eventually find someone.
0:35:12 And so I think having that, you know, knowing that that was the case and understanding that
0:35:16 it was just a numbers game made it much easier to get through the emotional ups and downs
0:35:19 because I think that if dating is just an emotional game for you, then you’re going to
0:35:22 stop because the moment you have a bad day, you’re like, oh, there’s no boys out there
0:35:23 for me.
0:35:24 I’m like, shut the fuck up.
0:35:26 I’m like, you’re saying that half the population sucks.
0:35:27 Please.
0:35:29 Like I hate when people say that all men are horrible.
0:35:31 I’m like, this is called cognitive bias.
0:35:33 You are over generalizing.
0:35:36 Your brain is saying, I had one bad boyfriend now, all men are bad.
0:35:37 That’s not true at all.
0:35:40 And then the second piece is understanding that I think a lot of people, what they do
0:35:44 is they go on a few dates, maybe they get in with a few people and maybe they date somebody
0:35:48 for like a month or two and then they break up and then they take the same amount of time
0:35:51 that they dated the person to get over the person.
0:35:56 And I think that a lot of that comes from social stigma of, oh, it takes you half the
0:35:59 amount of time that you dated someone to get over them.
0:36:03 I’m like, you know the best way to get over somebody is to go on another date.
0:36:05 Like, what do you do when you lose a client?
0:36:07 You go get another client.
0:36:10 I refuse to believe a lot of the things that society tells us.
0:36:12 So I was like, am I actually upset about this person?
0:36:14 Have I dated for eight weeks?
0:36:15 No.
0:36:17 But I think I’m supposed to be upset and I think that’s what a lot of people do and
0:36:21 I think the reason I was able to go through very quickly and find somebody is because
0:36:26 I didn’t let that stuff stop me or drag me down or make the process take longer.
0:36:27 Yeah.
0:36:28 So smart.
0:36:30 And I have to say, Leila, I love your personality.
0:36:34 You’re so funny and just to give such good advice, I love talking to you.
0:36:36 I think the audience is going to love this conversation.
0:36:38 So you met Alex, right?
0:36:39 Talk to us about that first date.
0:36:41 What was he like and what did you see in him?
0:36:44 I mean, you had all these suitors and you decided on Alex.
0:36:47 Honestly, it was tough because like, I’ll be really real.
0:36:51 You’ve probably had this too or run into this as a woman who’s ambitious.
0:36:53 A lot of guys didn’t like that.
0:36:54 Yeah.
0:36:55 100%.
0:36:57 Like a lot of men just wanted me to be a housewife.
0:37:01 They wanted to have kids very soon and all these things and I was like, that’s just not
0:37:02 in the cards for me, man.
0:37:05 Or they think they want it and then the real is like, oh, she’s going to be more successful
0:37:06 than me.
0:37:07 I don’t know if I want it.
0:37:08 100%.
0:37:10 So if it wasn’t, oh, I don’t want you to do this thing.
0:37:13 It was, oh, I’ll try and suppress you so that I’m better than you.
0:37:15 Which, listen, I don’t have anything against people who do that.
0:37:18 I just don’t want to be in a relationship with them.
0:37:25 When I met Alex, it was interesting because we matched on Bumble and then Alex, I messaged
0:37:26 him because it had to be the girl.
0:37:27 I don’t even remember what I said.
0:37:29 It probably was, I was so bad at it, I was like, hey, what’s up?
0:37:30 Like I never said anything cool.
0:37:31 I was kind of nerdy.
0:37:34 So I was like, hey, you know, how’s it going or something like that?
0:37:35 And he messaged me.
0:37:36 He was like, fuck this app.
0:37:37 Let’s get off this app.
0:37:38 Can I call you?
0:37:39 And I was like, I like that.
0:37:43 Like somebody who’s like serious about this, who takes it like literally, so we get on
0:37:44 the phone.
0:37:47 And the first thing he said, he was like, listen, he’s like, this is basically like
0:37:48 a first date.
0:37:51 So what we’re doing right now is we can have our first date now on the phone.
0:37:54 And then later when we actually have a first date, we don’t need to talk about all this
0:37:55 stuff because we’ve never talked about it.
0:37:57 It’ll be a base for our second date.
0:38:01 And I was like, this guy’s efficient, which I liked because that’s how I was running it
0:38:02 as well.
0:38:04 So I was like, this is a good match.
0:38:07 And I remember feeling like, I don’t really know, like this guy’s kind of like blunt to
0:38:08 the point harsh.
0:38:11 He’s not really flirty, but I appreciated it.
0:38:15 And so we meet for Froyo for our first date because it’s low commitment.
0:38:17 So we could leave if we didn’t like each other.
0:38:18 That was the agreement.
0:38:24 And we go and I’m sitting there waiting for him and he comes up from behind me.
0:38:27 And I remember he was like, okay, like not smiling.
0:38:31 I was like, why is this guy not even smiling at me?
0:38:35 Turns out, so what some people don’t know is I have an entire back piece and I was wearing
0:38:41 a tank top dress and he saw I have angel wings on my back when I was 18 and getting drunk.
0:38:44 And he saw them and I guess like he really doesn’t like tattoos.
0:38:49 And so for the first like 15 minutes of the day, he just didn’t even look at me.
0:38:50 Like we go in line for Froyo.
0:38:52 He’s not really looking, making eye contact.
0:38:54 I’m like, not knowing what’s going on.
0:38:58 And then finally we sit down, we start talking and I just start asking about his business
0:38:59 because he owned some gyms at the time.
0:39:01 And then it was like he lit up.
0:39:06 And then from that point on in the conversation, we talked for I think four and a half hours.
0:39:09 We went on a walk, walked like, I don’t even know how many miles.
0:39:10 It was insane.
0:39:15 And by the end of it, I just remember thinking like the one thought I had was like, I just
0:39:16 want to keep talking to him.
0:39:19 Like I don’t even care if we’re dating or not.
0:39:24 I just like finally feel like I found somebody who sees reality the same way as me.
0:39:28 I felt like he wanted the same things from life and was looking for the same things.
0:39:32 And it was just, it was like a breath of fresh air to talk to anybody, you know, female or
0:39:34 male that actually felt that way.
0:39:38 Honestly, from that point on, it was, we hung out every day.
0:39:42 I think he had to go to like a dinner later that night and then he called me after we
0:39:44 talked to like 2am.
0:39:48 And then the next day he came to my work during my lunch break and then I went to his house
0:39:52 after and then it was just like from that point on, but we weren’t working together
0:39:53 at that point.
0:39:57 You know, we were just dating and I want to say like two weeks in, he was like, you should
0:39:59 really just work for me.
0:40:02 And I was like, because he knew that what I was trying to decide of is like, am I going
0:40:05 to start my own gym or am I going to have an online training business?
0:40:07 And I had opportunities on both sides.
0:40:08 I wasn’t sure what to do.
0:40:11 And I was telling him about this decision and he was like, I think you should do neither
0:40:12 of those things.
0:40:15 And instead, you should come do this with me and we’ll make way more money than either
0:40:16 of those things.
0:40:19 And I was like, yeah, but then I’m, I’m working for you.
0:40:20 Like this is weird.
0:40:21 We’re like dating right now.
0:40:23 He was like, whatever, we’ve only been dating two weeks.
0:40:29 I remember he said that and I was like, true point, you know, it hasn’t been that long.
0:40:34 And I was really torn, but at the same time I was like, all right, let me look at all
0:40:37 the decisions I’ve made that have been the best decisions in life, putting my back against
0:40:43 a wall, putting myself into a situation where most people would fail or falter and putting
0:40:46 myself into situations that there’s risk.
0:40:49 I was like, there’s really no better time that if I were to do something like this than
0:40:51 to do it now because I’m young.
0:40:54 And so I talked to a few mentors.
0:41:00 I did a lot of thinking and I was like, I think after, after he went and he did a launch
0:41:03 on his own for gym launch, what was to become gym launch?
0:41:05 And I saw that it actually worked.
0:41:07 And a lot of people, by the way, they give me shit for this because I was like, I saw
0:41:10 that he made a hundred thousand dollars launching this gym.
0:41:12 Of course I want to see that he made money.
0:41:13 I was making plenty of money on my own.
0:41:16 I’m not going to go stop to go do something with somebody who hasn’t made any money or
0:41:17 proven a concept.
0:41:19 I’m like, I have my own shit, my own business going on.
0:41:23 And so once I saw that it worked, I was like, okay, this makes sense for me financially.
0:41:25 So it makes sense to take this risk.
0:41:30 And that was when I think the next week I talked to all of my clients.
0:41:36 I talked to the gym that I was working at the time and I just got rid of everything.
0:41:41 And I had a week between getting rid of everything and flying out to the first gym to do the
0:41:44 launch for this idea, for this company gym launch.
0:41:50 And that was really the beginning of not our relationship, but our partnership.
0:41:53 And so if you really think about it, like we only had, I don’t know, six weeks that
0:41:57 we weren’t working together, like in our entire relationship now, which has been seven years.
0:42:02 And the rest of it was, from that point on, it was learning how to navigate being in a
0:42:07 new relationship with somebody that you’re also building a new business with while losing
0:42:12 money, living out of motels, basically eating shit every day, and it was really hard.
0:42:15 So that was, I was like, I just realized where I was going with that.
0:42:16 I was like, that’s the story of our relationship.
0:42:18 I mean, it’s so interesting.
0:42:21 And now you guys are such a powerful couple.
0:42:27 And I’m sure starting a business and able to have you guys bond together, but also spending
0:42:31 that much time together probably was really tough and maybe felt like you guys needed
0:42:34 your own experiences and things like that.
0:42:35 So I guess how did you deal with that?
0:42:40 How did you deal with keeping it romantic still, even though your business partners?
0:42:42 Oh God, it wasn’t romantic at all for the first two years.
0:42:43 It was not.
0:42:44 It was no romance.
0:42:50 It’s funny because people ask that stuff and I’m like, no, the first two years were us
0:42:51 trying to not be poor.
0:42:55 Like we were just trying to not go bankrupt at that point.
0:42:58 Our relationship was not in the forefront of mind.
0:43:01 So it was really the first year.
0:43:05 I think that what we did learn by necessity was how to communicate with each other.
0:43:06 I learned how Alex works.
0:43:09 A lot of people get really intimidated by Alex because what you’ll learn if you get
0:43:10 close to him is like, he likes one word answers.
0:43:14 Like he’ll be like, okay, if you’re like, you write him a whole novel, he’s like thumbs
0:43:15 up.
0:43:16 Yeah.
0:43:17 I thought Alex hated me after.
0:43:18 I was like, why does he hate me?
0:43:19 Most people do that.
0:43:20 Right?
0:43:21 Yeah.
0:43:24 He’s just like not, he’s not like you bubbly sweet, like not like that at all.
0:43:25 No.
0:43:26 It took me time to learn too.
0:43:27 You know, I joke with everyone that’s on our team.
0:43:31 I’m like, listen, I thought he hated me too when we first worked together and then we
0:43:32 got married.
0:43:33 So apparently he didn’t.
0:43:36 It was really learning how to communicate with each other, learning like what are my
0:43:37 nuances?
0:43:38 Like how does Layla behave?
0:43:39 And then how does Alex behave?
0:43:41 And like, how do we behave together?
0:43:43 The hardest part was that.
0:43:46 And I think when you get into any relationship and you’re under stress because we were under
0:43:54 intense stress those first couple of years, it was learning how to use that to our advantage
0:43:59 to become better versions of ourselves because being around somebody else in close quarters
0:44:04 exposes you when you’re under stress of where your flaws are or where your weaknesses are.
0:44:09 And I know for me, like one of the best lessons that Alex taught me early on by just pointing
0:44:14 it out was I was very cold and I think that I have substantially warmed up.
0:44:18 I think that if people meet me now, I seem pretty warm in the beginning anyways.
0:44:19 And I was not that way.
0:44:20 I was scared.
0:44:21 I was stressed.
0:44:22 And I would just shut down.
0:44:27 And I remember one time we were sitting in the car and I shut down on him because there
0:44:30 was something that he said and I was upset about it, but I didn’t want to tell him.
0:44:33 And he looked at me and he was like, I just want to let you know that if you keep doing
0:44:36 this cold thing, this relationship won’t work.
0:44:41 But it was funny because what I actually thought in that moment, I wasn’t angry.
0:44:42 I wasn’t defensive.
0:44:48 I was like, you know what, any relationship I have in my life, this will be a problem.
0:44:50 Why not solve it now?
0:44:51 He’s right.
0:44:52 I am cold.
0:44:54 And I remember that was like the switch for me.
0:44:57 And that was the biggest thing that I had to work on the beginning of our relationship.
0:45:02 And on the other hand, for Alex, his was probably ego or temper.
0:45:07 He used to get angry pretty easily and I think under stress even more so.
0:45:09 And typically when someone’s angry, it’s like, are they angry at themselves?
0:45:11 You, the situation, you don’t really know.
0:45:15 But he would get angry and then I would shut down because he was angry and I was scared.
0:45:20 And so we had to learn that about each other, talk about it, and then learn how to speak
0:45:21 each other’s language.
0:45:25 You know, like if Alex is angry, I know how to de-escalate him.
0:45:29 If I’m stressed, Alex knows how to de-escalate me because we’ve learned and we’ve talked
0:45:33 about it enough that I’ve said what I need and he has said what he needs.
0:45:34 It’s a conversation that we have.
0:45:35 It’s not like I’m guessing.
0:45:36 You know what I mean?
0:45:37 I’m not overly like, what do you want me to do?
0:45:39 You know, like trying to figure out what he wants me to do when he’s angry.
0:45:42 I’m just like, Hey, when you’re angry, what do you want me to do?
0:45:45 And I think that’s been the biggest blessing of our relationship is the same way that you
0:45:47 would talk with a business partner.
0:45:48 How do we do this in the business?
0:45:52 We’ve taken that into our relationship, which is there’s nothing that’s not talked about
0:45:55 like anything to a very high degree.
0:45:57 We talk about every problem, everything we notice.
0:45:59 If we’re like, Hey, we feel pretty distant right now.
0:46:00 Do you feel distant?
0:46:01 He’s like, Yeah.
0:46:02 And we’re like, Okay, let’s work on that.
0:46:04 Or if we’re like, Hey, I feel like we need some space.
0:46:06 Like I’m just feeling like we are way too close right now.
0:46:08 Like we’ve had way too much time together.
0:46:09 I just need like a breathing room.
0:46:11 We’re like, Okay.
0:46:16 And so that’s been, I think what’s been a huge contributor to the success of our relationship
0:46:18 would just be that, you know, taking those same principles that you were talking about
0:46:22 that you would apply to any productive relationship inside of a workplace and using it in our
0:46:23 marriage.
0:46:24 Yeah.
0:46:25 That’s so healthy.
0:46:30 Like I know a lot of relationships, they do not feel that open in terms of the communication.
0:46:34 Like they just feel so scared to tell each other how they actually feel about things.
0:46:36 So it’s so great that you can work through that.
0:46:38 Also, I would say this.
0:46:39 Yeah.
0:46:43 You can either be scared to communicate something to your partner, or you can be scared of losing
0:46:44 yourself in the relationship.
0:46:48 And it’s like, you get one or the other, which is if you’re constantly living in fear
0:46:51 of what your partner will think, you lose yourself.
0:46:53 And so I have always kept that forefront of mind.
0:46:58 I will not compromise, nor will Alex, who I am and who he is.
0:47:02 I always, and we both really accept each other for who we are, but it’s one thing that I’m
0:47:03 very adamant about.
0:47:06 If there’s something that’s happening that I need to communicate how I feel about it,
0:47:10 or I’m dissatisfied with and same with him, we will do it, even if it hurts our partner’s
0:47:16 feelings, because we both know that we have to put ourselves and what is true to us, forefront
0:47:17 of mind.
0:47:19 Otherwise, our relationship will never work in the long run.
0:47:22 It might feel good in the short term to avoid that thing, but in the long run, you’re setting
0:47:23 yourself up for dysfunction.
0:47:24 Yeah.
0:47:26 100% and total failure.
0:47:27 So smart.
0:47:30 We’ll be right back after a quick break from our sponsors.
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0:52:26 So I feel like this is a really good segue into behavioral change because you mentioned,
0:52:30 and Alex mentioned this on the show, that you are the fastest person he knows in terms
0:52:32 of changing your behavior.
0:52:37 And so from my research, I found out you used to be afraid of public speaking, and now you
0:52:41 essentially do that probably every day as a part of your career.
0:52:43 You also thought you would never be a good manager, and that’s literally what you’re
0:52:46 known for now in terms of like your management styles.
0:52:51 So how do you continually adapt and change your behavior in order to succeed?
0:52:56 I think that when a lot of people talk about behavior change, what they’re really asking
0:53:01 for is belief or thought change, because if you think about changing behavior, that’s not
0:53:02 very complicated.
0:53:03 It’s like, don’t eat the cookie.
0:53:07 And I think a lot of people want to know, well, how do I not want to eat the cookie?
0:53:08 That’s what they want to know.
0:53:09 Because people are like, how do I lose weight?
0:53:10 I just can’t lose weight.
0:53:12 And no, you can’t be hungry.
0:53:14 You don’t know how to tolerate hunger.
0:53:15 That’s why you can’t lose weight.
0:53:20 And so it’s not that I lack anxiety, stress, nervousness.
0:53:23 When we got on this podcast, I was like, my heart was racing.
0:53:24 Really?
0:53:26 Happens every time with every podcast.
0:53:30 If I go up to speak the last speech I did, I got on the stage and I couldn’t, my mouth
0:53:31 was so dry.
0:53:33 I thought I was like, I was like, the words for sure won’t come out.
0:53:37 Like, I’m terrified because I care because I want to make sure that I do a good job.
0:53:40 I want to feel like I give value to the audience, right?
0:53:44 But what I’ve learned is to, one, not judge myself for that.
0:53:46 And two, I can be nervous.
0:53:47 I can be scared.
0:53:50 I can be anxious and I can still act like I’m not.
0:53:54 And that’s the biggest thing that was the unlock for me with behavior change.
0:53:57 And what has always been was, I don’t need to eliminate feelings.
0:54:00 I just need to change my relationship with them.
0:54:03 Most people, what they do is they think, oh, I feel anxious.
0:54:04 I feel scared.
0:54:05 I feel nervous.
0:54:10 I need to rid myself of this feeling so I can act in accordance with my values.
0:54:11 And with the behavior that I would like to have.
0:54:13 But that’s not the case at all.
0:54:17 I need to learn how to befriend these feelings, how to live with these feelings, how to manage
0:54:23 these feelings, and be okay with these feelings and still take, you know, steps forward anyways.
0:54:28 And so for me, it’s always been, if I’m feeling stressed or anxious or whatever and I’m trying
0:54:31 to change a behavior, I just remind myself, you have to level up.
0:54:32 It’s above the situation.
0:54:35 It’s not about grabbing the cookie or not grabbing the cookie.
0:54:37 It’s about what’s my relationship with hunger.
0:54:39 And so it’s for somebody who’s dieting.
0:54:40 It’s not that you’re hungry.
0:54:41 It’s not that you need the cookie.
0:54:43 It’s not that it’s that you don’t know how to be hungry.
0:54:47 You can’t tolerate the feeling of hunger in your body for people who get stressed with
0:54:49 public speaking.
0:54:50 It’s not that you can’t public speak.
0:54:54 It’s that you cannot tolerate the feeling of nervousness in your body before you go on
0:54:55 stage.
0:55:01 So what I do, despite not wanting to, is I force myself into situations where I know
0:55:06 that those feelings will be provoked and I practice like visualizing ahead of time.
0:55:07 The thing’s going to happen.
0:55:08 I’m going to feel like I’m nervous.
0:55:09 I’m going to feel like I’m going to throw up.
0:55:13 I’m going to feel like I’m going to panic, like whatever it may be.
0:55:16 How will I act despite feeling that way?
0:55:21 So for example, if I’m public speaking, I visualize myself having a panic attack on
0:55:23 stage before I’m on stage.
0:55:26 And then I walk through, what would I really do?
0:55:29 Because a lot of people just go, jeez, I’d have a panic attack on stage.
0:55:30 And that’s it.
0:55:31 That’s it for me, right?
0:55:32 I’m done.
0:55:35 Or I’m like, okay, say I have a panic attack on stage.
0:55:36 Then what?
0:55:40 If I only last for like two minutes, what’s going to happen the next two minutes?
0:55:41 I could make a joke about it.
0:55:45 I could use it as an example for resilience for everybody else that’s watching.
0:55:47 Like I could make fun of myself.
0:55:51 There’s so many things that I could do next to actually make that an opportunity, turn
0:55:54 that challenge into an opportunity, and then I could continue and give my speech.
0:55:55 Yeah.
0:55:58 So like if the worst thing happened, what would I do?
0:55:59 And how would I turn that around?
0:56:02 Then it makes it not that scary because then you’re like, well, if something bad happens,
0:56:04 this is my escape plan.
0:56:05 Right.
0:56:06 But here’s what I will say.
0:56:08 It’s not even that because that’s reassuring ourselves.
0:56:12 That’s saying, okay, well, even if the worst happens, I’ll figure, okay, but what if you
0:56:13 don’t figure it out?
0:56:16 Because that’s the other route, which is like, you know, I talked to business owners and
0:56:17 they’re like, well, what if my business does die?
0:56:20 And I’m like, okay, then your business dies.
0:56:21 Then what?
0:56:23 They’re like, well, I’m like, okay, you’ve like millions of dollars in the banks.
0:56:24 What are you going to do after that?
0:56:26 And then they’re like, well, I guess I would start another business.
0:56:29 And I’m like, okay, so let’s talk about the steps.
0:56:33 And so I think it’s one talking about what I would do if the worst case scenario happened.
0:56:40 And then also making peace with the fact that sometimes when the worst case scenario happens,
0:56:43 we don’t act in accordance with what our plans were.
0:56:48 And visualizing that and visualizing how I would get over it, that it would be okay.
0:56:49 So what?
0:56:53 I expect that at some point in my career, giving a speech or something, like I’m sure
0:56:56 at some point I’ll like, nobody will know, but I will have a panic attack on stage because
0:56:57 I can get through it now.
0:57:00 I can talk through those things, but I’m sure it will happen.
0:57:04 And when it does, I’ve visualized it enough times that I’ll be okay with it.
0:57:05 I’m not going to judge myself for it.
0:57:09 And I hopefully can use it as a lesson for other people to show them that you can do
0:57:11 things and be scared at the same time.
0:57:12 And that’s really been like my whole life.
0:57:15 Like, you’re like, how do you get rid of the anxiety and all that?
0:57:17 I’m like, it’s never gone away.
0:57:20 Like hang it out next to me all day, every day.
0:57:25 But I’ve just learned how to live with it and really act despite feeling a certain way.
0:57:29 And I think that if you’re not constantly trying to get out of a feeling, the feeling
0:57:30 will naturally go away anyways.
0:57:31 Yeah.
0:57:35 But when you’re constantly trying to rid yourself of a feeling, what happens is that
0:57:36 feeling sticks.
0:57:39 But if you’re not trying to rid yourself of it, it is much more likely to fade away.
0:57:44 So I want to stick on something that you lightly mentioned, which was being uncomfortable, right?
0:57:49 And I know that you say that one of the things that holds back our younger generations is
0:57:52 that they don’t want to be uncomfortable.
0:57:54 I had Wim Hof on the show.
0:57:55 He’s the ice man.
0:57:58 He said something similar, but he talks about like being physically uncomfortable in the
0:58:01 importance of that, that we all wear clothes.
0:58:03 We have the temperature control on.
0:58:05 We don’t even want to be cold.
0:58:07 That’s how far we go with it.
0:58:08 And then we don’t even unlock the power of our bodies.
0:58:09 It’s hard to work out.
0:58:10 So we don’t work out.
0:58:13 But I think you take it more from like also a mental perspective.
0:58:19 So I’d love to hear from you in terms of why it’s so important to be uncomfortable sometimes.
0:58:20 Yeah.
0:58:24 I do actually think that the physical aspect is useful in many ways.
0:58:26 I don’t go to the extreme with it.
0:58:30 Like I lift and I lift really heavy and hard and I’ve done that for a while.
0:58:33 And that taught me a lot in life, which is you make the most progress when you’re in
0:58:35 a lot of pain under the bar.
0:58:41 But I think that it’s important because what feels good is often not good for us.
0:58:46 And I think that I’ve learned that early on in my life, which is most of the things that
0:58:48 feel good for us are not.
0:58:50 But if you, this is what a lot of people think.
0:58:53 They think, well, gosh, I don’t want to be uncomfortable all of the time.
0:58:59 But here’s the thing is that those things that are uncomfortable, if done, repeated
0:59:01 enough times become comfortable.
0:59:05 And so if you do it in enough areas of your life, it’s ironic because then actually everything
0:59:07 that is uncomfortable becomes comfortable.
0:59:11 And so I think it’s just breaking through, getting yourself to take that first step because
0:59:14 our brains don’t like unpredictability.
0:59:19 And so the reason anything the first time is so hard is because we can’t predict what
0:59:20 happens next.
0:59:24 But the moment we do do that thing, our brain has a new association, it has a memory it’s
0:59:25 going to make, right?
0:59:28 And most of the time it’s not as bad as we think.
0:59:32 And so I think that it’s almost a practice in the sense of I try to do things that are
0:59:33 uncomfortable with me every day.
0:59:34 I try to push myself.
0:59:38 I try to not lean into my feelings, not because I don’t want to.
0:59:43 I want to, like today, for example, like had a not great night last night and then didn’t
0:59:47 sleep well because one thing or another that happened at work and then woke up had calls
0:59:48 at six AM was going.
0:59:49 I was like, I feel like absolute ass.
0:59:50 I was like, but you know what?
0:59:53 I’m going to fucking show up here and I’m going to crush it and I’m going to crush my
0:59:54 meetings later.
0:59:55 I’m going to crush my interviews later.
1:00:00 And I think that every time we do that, what we do is we build confidence within ourselves
1:00:05 so that every other thing in our life that’s uncomfortable is easier to accomplish.
1:00:07 And so I think it’s just a matter of building momentum.
1:00:10 You know, a lot of people are like, well, I just lay, I have a really hard time getting
1:00:11 uncomfortable.
1:00:13 I’m like, but you’ve made a habit of being comfortable.
1:00:14 So you know how to make a habit.
1:00:16 Now we just got to make a habit in the other direction.
1:00:17 Yeah.
1:00:20 It’s funny, but it’s really like you have the power of inertia on your side once you
1:00:23 start doing it, which is if you start leaning into comfort more and more and more, I have
1:00:25 a friend that wrote a book called The Comfort Crisis.
1:00:29 You start to do everything in your life in accordance with the comfort and it’s called
1:00:30 the comfort creep.
1:00:32 That’s why he named it versus the opposite direction.
1:00:36 You start to do everything uncomfortably and it’s discomfort creep.
1:00:39 You start to notice that in every area of your life, you start to make yourself a little
1:00:43 more uncomfortable and you start achieving more and more because achieving things comes
1:00:48 from like the only reason that accomplishments feel good is because we did something that
1:00:49 was uncomfortable.
1:00:53 And often people think I have to rid myself of this discomfort to do this thing.
1:00:57 But no, accomplishments without the discomfort don’t actually feel good.
1:01:00 And so the reason that successful people are so confident isn’t because they didn’t have
1:01:01 discomfort and did something.
1:01:04 It’s because they had so much discomfort and did it anyways.
1:01:08 And so I think for me, it’s just always been, I encourage people to get uncomfortable.
1:01:13 I encourage people to also be aware of how to make themselves uncomfortable in a way
1:01:14 that they can manage.
1:01:16 It might be, let’s try some small steps first.
1:01:17 Okay.
1:01:20 If you’re terrified of public speaking and you’re going to throw up when you get on stage,
1:01:22 let’s do some podcast interviews online first, right?
1:01:26 Like maybe let’s make some YouTube videos and then let’s get a stage maybe six months
1:01:27 down the road.
1:01:31 And I think that you can stair step your way up to your greatest fears or your greatest
1:01:35 discomforts and we all have to know ourselves and know what works best.
1:01:38 Some people can throw themselves in the fire and just like go straight into the most uncomfortable
1:01:40 situation and come out great.
1:01:43 Some people that wouldn’t work too well and they have to stair step their way into something
1:01:44 that’s uncomfortable.
1:01:47 I think it’s a matter of figuring out what works for you.
1:01:48 Yeah.
1:01:49 So I love this topic.
1:01:51 I kind of want to stay here for a little while.
1:01:55 I love the topic of motivation because I feel like a lot of my listeners reach out to me
1:01:58 telling me like they don’t know how to find their motivation and they feel like it’s this
1:02:04 external thing and they always feel like they need to have the feeling of motivation to get
1:02:05 something done.
1:02:09 And I know that you have said in the past that you don’t always stay motivated.
1:02:12 You don’t do things just because of the way that you feel.
1:02:14 So I’d love to learn a little bit more about that.
1:02:20 I think that most people don’t have motivation because they don’t have enough responsibility.
1:02:25 Go look at the single mom who is raising four kids.
1:02:26 Does she lack motivation?
1:02:27 No.
1:02:28 She has responsibility.
1:02:33 And so I think a lot of people when they’re talking about motivation, what it really is
1:02:35 is that they lack responsibility.
1:02:38 I am responsible for all of the people that work at my company.
1:02:41 I am responsible for all of the companies that are on portfolio.
1:02:44 I am responsible for an audience that supports me.
1:02:46 That’s what I think in my mind.
1:02:50 So am I going to take the selfless action of doing the thing I want to do, or am I going
1:02:53 to take the action of doing the thing that’s better for all of them?
1:02:58 And I think that what a lot of people do is they avoid responsibility, which then decreases
1:02:59 motivation.
1:03:03 You don’t feel like doing something when you don’t have a big enough reason.
1:03:08 Create enough reasons, which is usually people, and you have more motivation to do things.
1:03:12 So it’s not that I feel motivation every day, but I have a responsibility to the people
1:03:14 whose lives I have influence over.
1:03:17 And so every day when I wake up and I have to make the decision, am I going to do this,
1:03:20 am I going to do this, am I going to do that, am I going to do that, that’s what I’m thinking
1:03:21 with.
1:03:25 And so I think that for those people who are asking, you know, I just don’t have the motivation,
1:03:27 take on more responsibility.
1:03:32 You won’t even have time to think about how you feel because you’ve just got to do it
1:03:34 because you’re responsible for other people.
1:03:37 And I think that we live in a day and age where people lack responsibility.
1:03:41 I mean, if you even look like the family construct in this country, it’s like completely different
1:03:43 than it was a long time ago.
1:03:46 And so we have less pressure to do well.
1:03:50 We have less pressure to stick with our commitments, and we have less pressure to get uncomfortable.
1:03:54 But if you’re the person that’s responsible for many other people’s lives, you’ll have
1:03:57 the motivation much more than you wouldn’t.
1:03:58 Does that make sense?
1:04:00 Oh, it totally does.
1:04:01 I align so much with this.
1:04:05 I even wrote down some thoughts about this, and it’s like we’re very close in terms of
1:04:08 what we were saying our approach would be.
1:04:11 So for example, you were saying before this interview, you kind of felt like crap.
1:04:14 You didn’t really want to do it, but you showed up, right?
1:04:15 Me too.
1:04:17 I almost broke up with my boyfriend last night.
1:04:19 I had a terrible night.
1:04:23 I was like, oh God, like I have to be, I have my game face on.
1:04:27 But at the end of the day, we have to show up because that’s why we’re successful.
1:04:31 Because we show up even when we don’t feel like showing up.
1:04:35 And like you, I zoom out, and I think if I don’t show up here, I’m putting my employees
1:04:36 at jeopardy.
1:04:39 If I don’t show up today, I’m putting my, my fans aren’t going to have an episode.
1:04:41 Layla gets a lot of money to talk.
1:04:44 I’m not going to cancel and like ruin my reputation with Layla.
1:04:48 It’s like all these things to your point, like you hit the nail on the head.
1:04:51 I’m responsible for a lot of things.
1:04:55 So the only way I’m canceling an interview is I literally have strep throat and I can’t
1:04:56 talk.
1:05:00 And the other thing I think about is like, if I’m physically able to do the show, if
1:05:05 something actually does happen, that’s bad to me down the line, at least I did the actions
1:05:07 that I could to get myself as far as I could.
1:05:12 And then when I actually am sick, I can be like, all right, I deserve to be sick.
1:05:13 I can cancel this interview, you know?
1:05:15 So I think we’re aligned there.
1:05:16 I love that.
1:05:17 So interesting.
1:05:18 All right.
1:05:20 Let’s talk about the GSD muscle.
1:05:23 You talk about this get shit done muscle.
1:05:25 How can we build and develop that muscle?
1:05:26 Yeah.
1:05:32 I think this muscle comes from having a low thought to action threshold.
1:05:35 If I could put it in the right terms, which is if you think a thought and then you take
1:05:41 action on that thought, a lot of people don’t get shit done because they spend way more
1:05:44 time in the thought and less time in the action.
1:05:49 Now I know how to think, but a lot of the times what I need to do is go take action.
1:05:52 And I think that a lot of the times, and this is like what we were talking about earlier,
1:05:55 it’s just a theme that I’ve noticed, which is people are staying in their heads so much
1:05:56 now.
1:05:59 It’s overthinking, overanalyzing, you know, stuff like you got to build the get shit done
1:06:02 muscle, which the only way you do that is if the moment that you think about something
1:06:05 you own your power by taking action immediately.
1:06:10 The way that you get more power is you take action on a thought faster than others, faster
1:06:13 than you used to, faster than you did five days ago.
1:06:19 And so for a lot of people, it’s that, that paired with being able to face the discomfort.
1:06:22 I mean, like we just talked about, I think that if you want to get shit done, you’re
1:06:23 going to be uncomfortable.
1:06:29 And I think that you build that muscle faster when you put it under tension on a more frequent
1:06:30 basis.
1:06:32 And so when I think about the get shit done muscle, it’s like any other muscle.
1:06:36 Which is you’ve got to go to the gym and you’ve got to put a time under tension, right?
1:06:39 It doesn’t matter if you’re doing higher reps, low reps, weight on the bar, like it’s time
1:06:41 under tension that builds a muscle.
1:06:44 It’s the same for the get shit done muscle, which is the moment that you realize that
1:06:47 it’s okay, thought to action threshold.
1:06:49 How many more times can you do that and how many situations?
1:06:52 And so what I like to do for myself when I’m trying to instill that when maybe I feel
1:06:56 like I’m in a season where I’ve something happened and, you know, didn’t go my way or
1:07:00 I’m scared or I’m stressed or something’s happening, I write down what are those things
1:07:02 on a daily basis that I can do.
1:07:05 I read it at the beginning of the day and I’m like, these are the small things I’m going
1:07:09 to do to build that muscle today to do my time under tension.
1:07:11 It might be a hard conversation with a coworker.
1:07:14 It might be that I have to have a hard conversation with a portfolio company.
1:07:18 It might be, you know, I start asking myself, what are these things that maybe I’m avoiding
1:07:23 or could avoid that if I were to do today would make me stronger tomorrow.
1:07:25 And that is what the get shit done muscle is.
1:07:30 And I think that a lot of people don’t have it or it’s atrophied because they’re okay
1:07:32 living with the pink elephant in the room.
1:07:35 I think that if you have a very strong get shit done muscle, you don’t have a lot of
1:07:36 dirty laundry.
1:07:40 Whereas if you do have a very strong get shit done muscle, there’s nothing like there’s
1:07:41 no pink elephant in the room.
1:07:42 Like there’s nothing there.
1:07:43 Like you have a clear conscience.
1:07:45 That’s how I keep my headspace clear.
1:07:49 I don’t like having to think about a lot of situations that are like, I want to say like
1:07:51 not complete, not resolve.
1:07:52 Open loops.
1:07:53 Yeah.
1:07:54 Open loops.
1:07:55 Like I don’t like having that.
1:07:57 I don’t like having, if anything bothers me, I feel like there’s anything off with a teammate.
1:07:59 I just address it immediately.
1:08:02 And so I think that that’s really where the muscle is and what it comes from.
1:08:04 And it’s just like anything else.
1:08:06 Any other muscles, like time under tension is how you’re going to build it.
1:08:07 I love that.
1:08:08 Okay.
1:08:12 So last question to close this part of the interview out.
1:08:17 What would you give advice to people in their teens and their twenties upcoming generations
1:08:21 who want to achieve the level of success that you did by your thirties?
1:08:24 What’s your main piece of advice for them?
1:08:28 I would say learn to act despite how you feel.
1:08:29 Yeah.
1:08:30 Big theme of today’s episode.
1:08:31 Yeah.
1:08:34 I think it’s just learn how to act despite what you feel because you’re not going to
1:08:37 feel good most of the time when you’re making progress towards your goals.
1:08:41 You know, people congratulate me all the time on the success of the companies that we sold
1:08:42 and the success that we’re having now.
1:08:46 And I’m like, yeah, but all the success is propelled by things that are painful, right?
1:08:47 Yeah.
1:08:48 There’s experiences that we’ve been through.
1:08:49 Right.
1:08:53 And so understand that you, you just have to learn to act despite how you feel.
1:08:57 And feelings are something to acknowledge, but they’re not directives in terms of how
1:08:58 to live our life.
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