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  • I dropped out of high school…Now I’m building the SpaceX of airplanes

    AI transcript
    0:00:02 I look in the mirror and I’m like fat and dumb.
    0:00:05 And I’m like, if I want to have any chance of doing this, I have to go to the startup
    0:00:07 CEO equivalent of the gym.
    0:00:10 At that point, I don’t think I could have sold a dollar bill for 50 cents.
    0:00:13 And I didn’t know jack about airplanes.
    0:00:15 And so I’m like, OK, like I need to become that person.
    0:00:18 I feel like I can rule the world.
    0:00:20 I know I could be what I want to.
    0:00:24 I put my all in it like my days off on the road.
    0:00:26 Let’s travel never looking back.
    0:00:30 So how does a guy who’s slaying coupons on the Internet become the founder of a supersonic
    0:00:31 jet company?
    0:00:36 Which, by the way, the one liner of what you’re making is a commercial jet that flies 1300 miles
    0:00:38 an hour versus 500 miles an hour.
    0:00:39 Right.
    0:00:42 It takes you from it would take you from where to where and how much time like just.
    0:00:44 Yeah, that’s what actually matters.
    0:00:44 Right.
    0:00:49 It take you from New York to London and just over three and a half hours, Tokyo to Seattle
    0:00:52 and four and a half, L.A., Sydney, about eight and a half.
    0:00:53 And that’s version one.
    0:00:54 We want to go faster after that.
    0:00:55 Amazing.
    0:01:00 So my back story was I’ve loved airplanes since I was a kid, but because there was basically
    0:01:03 no innovation happening in aerospace, it never occurred to me to have a career there.
    0:01:06 You know, so I sort of fell in love with computers, with the Internet.
    0:01:10 My first job out of school was Amazon in 2001.
    0:01:15 My parents didn’t understand it because that was they were like, hey, we got you a computer
    0:01:16 science degree.
    0:01:17 Why do you want to work at a bookstore?
    0:01:20 But it was an amazing time to be there.
    0:01:24 After that, I was part of one of the very early mobile app companies.
    0:01:26 And then I wanted to do my own startup.
    0:01:31 And so I looked at my resume and said, I know e-commerce and I know mobile, so I should work
    0:01:32 on mobile e-commerce.
    0:01:34 And surely there’ll be something there.
    0:01:40 And we built this like barcode scanning game, which is like if you make a list of like the
    0:01:43 most important thing in the universe, the least important, you have to like dig a deeper
    0:01:47 hole to find where barcode scanning game goes.
    0:01:50 And I would get up in the morning working on that thing.
    0:01:52 And I was just like, I was super depressed.
    0:01:55 And I would think I’m going to screw this thing up.
    0:01:57 All the investors are going to lose their money.
    0:01:59 No one’s ever going to hire me again.
    0:02:02 I was like really afraid of failure.
    0:02:04 And I’m looking at what we’re building.
    0:02:08 And it’s like, wait a minute, I’m building an app for people who shop in stores.
    0:02:09 And I’m an e-commerce nerd.
    0:02:10 I don’t even like stores.
    0:02:12 What am I doing?
    0:02:17 And so when we had a chance to kind of go acqui-hire the company to Groupon and investors
    0:02:23 got a return and I got a little money and I got to like get out of, you know, I basically
    0:02:26 got my escape fantasy out of this business that I didn’t love.
    0:02:27 It was a huge win.
    0:02:32 And I kind of spent my couple of years at Groupon reflecting on that and thinking about
    0:02:33 what I learned.
    0:02:37 And, you know, one thing I knew was, you know, I definitely wanted to found again.
    0:02:40 You know, I’d started my first company in my parents’ basement in high school.
    0:02:46 And there’s, you know, the founder bug had bit me, but I hated that waking up in the
    0:02:50 morning thinking about, you know, what am I doing and wishing I’d never started.
    0:02:53 And I never wanted to do that again.
    0:03:00 And a thing I knew about myself is no matter what I was doing as a founder, I was going
    0:03:01 to push myself to my personal red line.
    0:03:07 And that red line is the maximum I’m capable of, and it’s going to feel the same no matter
    0:03:07 what I’m doing.
    0:03:12 But what won’t feel the same is what I’m doing and how motivated I am by it.
    0:03:19 And I wanted to pick a startup idea where I would never regret starting, no matter how
    0:03:19 hard the day was.
    0:03:25 And so it led me to sort of organize all my ideas by how happy I would be if they worked.
    0:03:27 And I’d had such a passion for flight.
    0:03:29 At this point, I’d gotten my pilot’s license.
    0:03:33 You know, there’s kind of all I knew about airplanes as to how to fly a single engine one
    0:03:33 for fun.
    0:03:37 And I never understood why no one had picked up where Concord had left off.
    0:03:42 And I felt like, okay, I got to look at that and get it out of my system and then move on
    0:03:43 to the next thing.
    0:03:50 So before we tell that the boom story, what were the other ideas on that brainstorm of making
    0:03:52 a list of possible things to go do?
    0:03:55 We asked Palmer Luckey this question before he started Anderil, and he was talking about
    0:03:59 how he was going to make like the food version of Diet Coke.
    0:04:00 He’s just going to make like calories.
    0:04:04 You could just like calories that things that tasted good, but had no calories.
    0:04:05 And he was working on like synthetic food.
    0:04:07 He’s like, uh, actually, all right, never mind.
    0:04:08 I’m gonna make weapons.
    0:04:11 Well, his other idea was actually pretty amazing.
    0:04:12 It was a prison.
    0:04:17 It was a private prison where you only get paid if the inmate gets out of prison and never
    0:04:18 comes back.
    0:04:19 Right.
    0:04:21 And so it was like, Ooh, that’s actually a good idea.
    0:04:22 I like that one.
    0:04:25 It’s like the stuff on the cutting room floor is pretty good too.
    0:04:25 Yeah.
    0:04:27 So like, it was like three.
    0:04:31 And then, you know, the third one was Anderil, but it was like three, like pretty epic things.
    0:04:36 And by the way, his brainstorming process, he said he had like a house where he created
    0:04:40 like a padded room where he could just like build things that had like, would like explode.
    0:04:40 And he’s like, cool.
    0:04:42 This is just walls that can take explosions.
    0:04:47 So I’d love to hear, you know, your process might not be quite as crazy, but what were the other
    0:04:49 ideas and how did you actually brainstorm them?
    0:04:54 Well, the, um, looking back, I think the, the alternate ideas I had then are not as good
    0:04:55 as the alternate ideas I have now.
    0:05:00 Uh, like, I think I had something that was like a rental car company that would pick you
    0:05:00 up like an Uber.
    0:05:06 Um, you know, I still sort of wish that existed, but I don’t, you know, but I don’t, but I don’t
    0:05:07 think that thing has long legs.
    0:05:08 Right.
    0:05:11 I don’t think it’s actually a good idea, even though the small number of times I want a rental
    0:05:12 car, I really wish I had that.
    0:05:19 Um, the, uh, you know, I think the, the other, one of my general premises, uh, especially
    0:05:25 I’ve been reflected on the boom story is there are a lot of great unsolved problems that are
    0:05:27 hiding in plain sight that nobody’s working on.
    0:05:30 And I think it’s, I think it’s an artifact of the bystander effect.
    0:05:35 And so if it, for anybody who doesn’t know that term, that the bystander effect is this
    0:05:39 effect that like, uh, let’s say someone falls over having a heart attack on the street and
    0:05:40 you’re the only one around.
    0:05:44 You’re highly likely to run over, call 9-1-1, take care of them, make sure it’s okay.
    0:05:45 Be there until the ambulance comes.
    0:05:46 That’s what people do.
    0:05:52 Uh, but if the street’s crowded, everyone tends to think, I’m sure the people who need
    0:05:55 to know already know, and it gets ignored.
    0:06:00 And, and the paradoxical effect is there can be a hundred people and the guy having a heart
    0:06:01 attack is completely ignored.
    0:06:08 And, um, I think this plays out in, in the business world, like in the Valley, like we tend
    0:06:13 to get told if your idea is any good, there are already other, several other good teams working
    0:06:13 on it.
    0:06:17 And, and if there, no one else is working on it, there’s probably something wrong with
    0:06:17 the idea.
    0:06:22 But if you, if you really play that thinking out, what it, what it means is unique things,
    0:06:26 um, tend to get left hiding in plain sight.
    0:06:30 And actually the more compelling they are, the more likely they are to be ignored because
    0:06:33 the more everybody assumes that somebody else would already be doing it if it were possible.
    0:06:35 Like supersonic flight is like this.
    0:06:37 Supersonic flight would obviously be good.
    0:06:39 Nobody’s doing it.
    0:06:42 It must be impossible or a bad idea, you know?
    0:06:44 And there are other things in that category, like traffic.
    0:06:49 I don’t think I am unaware of anybody attacking traffic in the right way.
    0:06:51 And it’s a very solvable problem.
    0:06:52 It could be a trillion dollar company.
    0:06:56 It’s funny because, uh, the only other person that the person who comes to mind who I think
    0:06:59 attacks these problems hidden in place site is Elon.
    0:07:00 Yeah.
    0:07:03 Um, you know, I was talking to an investor who knows Elon and he was like, you know, the
    0:07:09 thing I always admired about Elon was that he, he just saw the trillion dollar idea on
    0:07:11 the floor that the rest of us were walking by.
    0:07:16 Very similar to what you described with the, he goes, he goes, any of us, a lot of people
    0:07:18 who grew up like fascinated with space.
    0:07:23 The idea of, of rockets that go to Mars was not a secret.
    0:07:27 It wasn’t a, it wasn’t something nobody had ever thought of, but we all just sort of were
    0:07:28 blind to it.
    0:07:31 We assumed either it must be somebody else must be doing it.
    0:07:33 You know, NASA must be doing it or it’s too hard.
    0:07:33 It’s too expensive.
    0:07:35 Either can’t be done.
    0:07:36 He’s like, we all just ignored it.
    0:07:41 And, uh, Elon also has a sort of bone to pick with traffic with the, I think he’s doing,
    0:07:44 he’s trying to do with the boring company, which sounds like you might disagree with the
    0:07:45 approach there.
    0:07:48 How would, how would you approach the traffic problem?
    0:07:52 I think boring company solves half the problem, but there’s another half the problem.
    0:07:58 And, uh, so imagine for a second, if grocery stores work like roads do, meaning you pay for
    0:07:59 them with your taxes.
    0:08:05 And once you’ve paid your taxes, you feel you’re entitled to use it whenever you want,
    0:08:06 as much as you want.
    0:08:08 So what would happen to grocery stores?
    0:08:14 There’d always be a line out the door and the shelves would always be empty, right?
    0:08:16 That’s what we’ve done with roads.
    0:08:21 We pay for them once with our taxes, and then we feel entitled to use them as much as we
    0:08:22 want, whenever we want.
    0:08:24 So they’re always oversubscribed.
    0:08:29 What you need for roads is a price system and you need a dynamic price system.
    0:08:32 Like I think there’s a, there’s a technology element of this, which I think is about smart
    0:08:37 traffic lights, uh, and the ability to actually do smart routing such that, you know, imagine
    0:08:42 you open up your phone and you open, you know, the maps app and, uh, you put in your
    0:08:46 destination and not, not only are there sort of different routes and different times, there’s
    0:08:50 basically different times and different prices and you can have fast and expensive or slow
    0:08:50 and cheap.
    0:08:55 And I think what we’ve seen, you know, New York did like a baby experiment with this and
    0:08:59 like the, you know, the simplest way where they put like a, you know, eight or $9 fee
    0:09:00 to go into Manhattan.
    0:09:02 Are you, are you familiar with that, Sean?
    0:09:05 I heard about, I heard they were doing, this was recent, right?
    0:09:06 It’s pretty recent.
    0:09:06 It was super controversial.
    0:09:08 I’m here right now.
    0:09:11 And so basically I think it’s $12.
    0:09:17 So I think it’s between the streets of 60th on down and it actually shows you the map on
    0:09:18 Google.
    0:09:21 So if you type in like, you know, if you’re on 70th street and you got to get somewhere
    0:09:22 to 50th street, it would say, here’s the threshold.
    0:09:26 And right when you cross through, boom, you’re billed $12.
    0:09:28 And I’m walking around here downtown right now.
    0:09:31 It is so much quieter than it ever was.
    0:09:34 It’s so much quieter and there’s so much less traffic.
    0:09:38 Like the other day, like the day after it happened, I was downtown and I remember like standing
    0:09:40 in the middle of the street and I’m like, where is everyone?
    0:09:41 Right.
    0:09:42 Like it’s so much better.
    0:09:47 So I feel like this would be so effective, but also I would have guessed this is really
    0:09:51 unpopular to implement, but once it’s implemented, maybe people see the benefits of it.
    0:09:52 Was that, who got that through?
    0:09:56 That’s kind of amazing to me that nobody’s talking about this really important experiment
    0:10:00 happening in New York, not some fringe, like tier five city.
    0:10:01 Was that unpopular?
    0:10:04 Oh, it’s, it’s, it’s, what’s hugely controversial.
    0:10:07 It’s even Trump was like, you’re not going to do this.
    0:10:09 It was just, it was kind of like, dude, you’re like the president.
    0:10:12 You can’t, you don’t really, I don’t know why you’re getting involved in New York city,
    0:10:14 but like Trump was like, we’re, we’re yanking this.
    0:10:16 The governor got into involved in this.
    0:10:16 Yeah.
    0:10:17 It’s a huge ordeal.
    0:10:18 That’s right.
    0:10:21 And I think that, I think the reason it’s struggling is because they, they kind of solved
    0:10:23 half the problem, but not the other half.
    0:10:27 And they also did a very, like the most coarse grained way you could possibly do it.
    0:10:34 Uh, they, they put in place a usage fee, but they didn’t rebate the other taxes.
    0:10:38 And so there’s a whole argument that says, hang on, I paid for the roads already.
    0:10:39 Why are you charging me twice?
    0:10:40 This is a tax increase.
    0:10:46 And, uh, especially as the world kind of moves to EVs and some roads are paid for with like
    0:10:49 licensing fees and some roads are paid for with gas taxes.
    0:10:53 It’s like, now is the perfect time to fix this, to make, you know, to go to, go to usage-based
    0:10:55 pricing, but you got to get rid of the other taxes.
    0:11:00 Otherwise you’ve given, you know, every populace in the world, a good reason to say no to it.
    0:11:03 And the, the other, the other sort of mindset, you know, I did think a bit about how you would
    0:11:04 sell this.
    0:11:07 I think the go-to-market challenges are way bigger than the, the product challenges.
    0:11:12 There’s some fun, like AI things about how you build AI traffic lights and how you optimize
    0:11:14 a network and don’t need a bunch of traffic engineers to do it.
    0:11:15 It should be fun.
    0:11:19 I think it’s way easier, the self-driving way more impactful, but the, uh, I think the
    0:11:22 go-to-market matters, you know, cause it’s like, you know, it’s like, there’ll be this
    0:11:25 envy element of like, oh, all the rich people are passing me.
    0:11:32 But I think what you could do is basically rebate money from the people who are paying for fast
    0:11:34 to the people who want cheap.
    0:11:40 And so, you know, so think, think, think of it as like that asshole Elon cut me off, but
    0:11:41 every time he does it, he has to pay me.
    0:11:43 Right.
    0:11:49 So, so I, I think there’s a way to, you know, effectively there’s like cashflow from the
    0:11:54 people who want, who are willing to pay for the highest access to the roads to the people
    0:11:57 who actually value the cheapest access to the roads.
    0:12:00 And then there’s a technology layer, there’s an operating layer on this.
    0:12:05 And then the, you know, the, the, whoever builds the system should get the 10% off the
    0:12:06 top for building it and running it.
    0:12:08 And that ends up being an enormous business.
    0:12:12 By the way, if somebody wants to start this, I will like be your advisor.
    0:12:13 I will be your champion.
    0:12:14 I will help raise money for it.
    0:12:16 Like I desperately want someone to build this.
    0:12:18 So you, so, all right.
    0:12:20 So boom has raised $700 million.
    0:12:26 You guys are, uh, I think you just had a flight, you know, in the past year where you built one
    0:12:28 of your, one of your engines broke the sound very huge deal.
    0:12:34 And so, you know, we, we’ve had a few people like you, but you’re like a legend potentially
    0:12:35 in the making.
    0:12:37 Take, take us, take us back.
    0:12:39 Like, what was the original question in your mind?
    0:12:41 Like why, what, why isn’t there a supersonic flight?
    0:12:45 What was the actual initial question in the first couple of weeks?
    0:12:47 So it was like, why did Concord fail?
    0:12:49 And what would you have to do for it not to have failed?
    0:12:52 But were you on Wikipedia and you just came across that or you’re just a flying fan?
    0:12:57 Well, if I was a flying fan and then, yeah, you know, I could go to Wikipedia and I read stuff
    0:13:00 and, you know, the extensively it’s okay.
    0:13:01 The facts make it obvious.
    0:13:07 Here’s, here’s a, um, 100 seat airplane with a hundred uncomfortable seats and adjusted for
    0:13:10 inflation at $20,000 fare and you can’t fill the seats.
    0:13:11 You can’t make any money.
    0:13:12 Okay.
    0:13:13 That’s obvious.
    0:13:17 So the next, the next question was, this turned out to be like the key question.
    0:13:19 Why was Concord so expensive?
    0:13:21 The answer is poor fuel economy.
    0:13:26 And that kicked off a vicious cycle that led to high fares that led to the low utilization,
    0:13:28 the lower utilization, the higher the fares have to be.
    0:13:29 There’s a whole vicious cycle to it.
    0:13:32 But, uh, but the root of it was, was poor fuel economy.
    0:13:37 And the next question was, well, how much would you have to beat Concord’s 1960s technology
    0:13:42 by in order to match the fuel economy of a flatbed in business class?
    0:13:46 The thought was, well, eventually it’d be great to do this for everybody, but as a starting
    0:13:51 point, business class is huge and you don’t need the bed if the flight’s not long.
    0:13:53 You can have a better bed, the one at home.
    0:13:55 And so how much do you have to beat Concord by?
    0:14:01 And it turned out the answer was like less than 10% to, to match the total economics of
    0:14:03 a flatbed in business class.
    0:14:04 And I was like, what?
    0:14:05 Like head explode emoji.
    0:14:10 Like, I don’t really know anything about airplanes, but can we really not do 10% better than 1960s?
    0:14:13 Give people a point of reference.
    0:14:19 How much did you know about planes and calculating the fuel economy and all of that when you started
    0:14:19 this idea?
    0:14:20 Yeah.
    0:14:22 Aren’t you a high school dropout?
    0:14:24 Yeah, I’m a high school dropout.
    0:14:28 I did actually graduate from college, but my degree is in computer science and the closest
    0:14:30 thing I had to an aviation credential is a pilot’s license.
    0:14:34 But this is, this stuff isn’t actually that complicated at this level.
    0:14:39 Like the fuel burn data is all in Wikipedia and you can calculate fuel burn per seat mile,
    0:14:41 which turns out to be like the key metric.
    0:14:45 And, and says, okay, what was Concord’s fuel burn per seat mile?
    0:14:48 What’s the fuel burn per seat mile of a flatbed in business class?
    0:14:52 And again, you can just go pull on seat guru and you can see the map.
    0:14:56 You can like measure on your screen, how much of its business class, how many seats are there,
    0:14:59 how, how much floor areas in their whole airplane allocated out.
    0:15:01 And then, and then it was like, oh, great.
    0:15:05 You’d have to, you have to do about 10% better than Concord to match the total economics.
    0:15:08 If you wanted to match the fuel burn per seat mile, it’s a bit more than that, but there
    0:15:12 are all these other, you know, utilization benefits from speed.
    0:15:16 And, and then the next question was, well, how much better is Boeing’s latest airplane
    0:15:17 versus the one that came before it?
    0:15:20 And the answer was something like 20%.
    0:15:21 I’m like, wait a minute.
    0:15:24 You can’t find, you can’t find 10% over 50 years.
    0:15:29 Like, I don’t, you know, I don’t know anything about the details of the technology at this point,
    0:15:32 but it seemed, it seemed plausible in the face of it.
    0:15:33 And so at this point I was like, okay, hang on.
    0:15:37 You said there’s a, there’s a fact here that, that has caught my attention.
    0:15:38 That’s right.
    0:15:42 I’m probably, I’m going to spend a bunch of sleepless nights questioning this.
    0:15:43 Yeah.
    0:15:47 Well, or actually I’m going to spend a lot of days trying to get smart on it.
    0:15:51 And so I was like, this, this seems plausible in the face of it, but I’m on the far left
    0:15:53 side of the Dunning-Kruger curve.
    0:15:54 I don’t even know what I don’t know.
    0:16:00 And, and so I, I sort of imagined myself, I imagined in the future, it’s 2050.
    0:16:01 I’m like retired.
    0:16:03 I’m sitting on the beach.
    0:16:03 I’m sipping Mai Tais.
    0:16:07 I had nothing to do with supersonic flight, but I’m just reading the aviation history
    0:16:07 books.
    0:16:08 And what do I think they say?
    0:16:12 You know, do they say, you know, we’re still flying subsonic?
    0:16:13 I really hope not.
    0:16:17 Hopefully they say we’re going supersonic now and they tell the story of how it happened.
    0:16:20 And how do, how do I think that story goes?
    0:16:24 Does it go after 150 years of not building a supersonic jet, Boeing finally did?
    0:16:28 Like no, business history never goes like that, right?
    0:16:32 Like this is a big, big companies don’t suddenly get enlightened and build disruptive things.
    0:16:36 So what, what, what’s the more plausible history, more plausible history is it was a startup
    0:16:42 that did it, the, the startup founder would not have come from the entrenched industry where
    0:16:45 everybody believed it was impossible or a bad idea.
    0:16:46 They have to be an outsider.
    0:16:49 And what would that outsider have to look like in order to be successful?
    0:16:51 They, they, they’d have to have built a dream team.
    0:16:55 So that to be really good at attracting great people, they’d have to be able to be a great
    0:16:56 storyteller.
    0:16:57 They’d be great at persuasion.
    0:17:01 They’d have to be technically deep in order to be credible with all the audiences that would
    0:17:02 matter.
    0:17:03 And I sort of look in the mirror.
    0:17:04 I’m like, is that me?
    0:17:08 I’ve got the, like outside the industry box, but like the rest of it’s no.
    0:17:13 Um, and so I’m like, you’re like, what would it take to attract this?
    0:17:17 Like 10 out of 10, like the smoke show, like they probably need to be good looking.
    0:17:19 They probably need to have a great personality.
    0:17:20 They need to be funny.
    0:17:22 They probably should have like really nice teeth.
    0:17:23 That’s right.
    0:17:24 That’s me.
    0:17:25 I can do that.
    0:17:29 I mean, so I, I, I look at the mirror and I’m like fat and dumb.
    0:17:32 And I’m like, if I want to have any chance of doing this, I have to go to the startup
    0:17:34 CEO equivalent of the gym.
    0:17:38 Cause I don’t, at that point, I don’t think I could have sold a dollar bill for 50 cents.
    0:17:41 And I didn’t know Jack about airplanes.
    0:17:43 And so I’m like, okay, like I need to become that person.
    0:17:48 My mental model for myself is, you know, we’ve probably seen those, like how it’s made videos
    0:17:51 with pasta and there’s like pasta extruders.
    0:17:56 And there’s this like big mound of dough in this gigantic, like press that’s pushing the
    0:17:57 dough through this tiny little hole.
    0:18:00 There’s like noodle, it gets extruded out the other side of the hole.
    0:18:01 I’m like, okay, I’m the dough.
    0:18:06 There’s this hole and I need to like extrude myself into the right shape to actually be able
    0:18:07 to do this.
    0:18:11 And, and so I went back and I started taking remedial calculus and physics because I hadn’t
    0:18:12 had any since high school.
    0:18:16 And I, and I didn’t know how to get through an aerodynamics textbook without way more math
    0:18:17 and physics.
    0:18:20 And then I read the aerodynamics textbooks and I did the problem sets.
    0:18:23 And if I couldn’t figure them out, I threw them out and I got a different book and did
    0:18:23 those problem sets.
    0:18:25 You were not working at this point.
    0:18:26 Is that right?
    0:18:27 You had left Groupon.
    0:18:31 How long was that not working time and how much money were you able to save up in order
    0:18:32 to kind of do that?
    0:18:35 Were you like rich, rich, or you’re like, I got two years where I don’t have to have
    0:18:35 a job.
    0:18:37 I had one year where I didn’t have to have a job.
    0:18:37 Okay.
    0:18:39 So you had what, like $250,000?
    0:18:41 It was a little bit better than that.
    0:18:47 I had sort of, in my mind, I had budgeted for like two failed startups before I would have
    0:18:49 to go get a big company job.
    0:18:52 I was like, let me give, I’ve got two shots on goal before I’m working for the man again.
    0:18:54 You’re like, cool.
    0:18:55 So I’ll definitely fail on the plane thing.
    0:18:58 And then I’ll try to do that, that mobile app.
    0:19:00 And then I’ll go give up, give up and go back and get a job.
    0:19:02 That was kind of the thought process.
    0:19:06 And I budgeted like, here’s, you know, here’s my salary replacement money.
    0:19:10 And, um, here’s, here’s the, the seed money that I would put in the company myself.
    0:19:15 And I had, I had, I had enough savings to do that twice before I needed a job.
    0:19:22 And, you know, at the time I was married, I had three young kids, um, like three under
    0:19:22 18 months.
    0:19:23 Oh my God.
    0:19:24 Yeah.
    0:19:26 I got to do some math, huh?
    0:19:27 Oh, you have some twins?
    0:19:27 What are you, what are you doing here?
    0:19:28 I had twins, yeah.
    0:19:30 Okay.
    0:19:33 And then did you, what, would you like kiss your kids goodbye in the morning?
    0:19:34 And you’re like, all right, I got to go read.
    0:19:36 And you just go, go into the other room.
    0:19:38 You just, you just go with them to school.
    0:19:40 You just go to the library with them, the lunchbox.
    0:19:41 It’s funny.
    0:19:42 No, I mean, you, you say that tongue in cheek.
    0:19:43 That’s kind of how it went.
    0:19:48 Like, you know, I had a, I had a office in the basement and I, I, I’d give them hugs
    0:19:52 and kisses and I’d go downstairs and I’d sit at my desk and I, and I’d read and do problem
    0:19:53 sets all day.
    0:19:58 And you’re, you were telling your friends for that year, they’re like, what are you working
    0:19:58 on?
    0:20:02 And you’re like, I’m kind of toying with this idea of launching a commercial jet company.
    0:20:03 Right.
    0:20:05 And you could just watch the eyeballs roll back.
    0:20:06 Yeah.
    0:20:07 This was 2014.
    0:20:11 My, my wife said, okay, honey, you’ve got a year to screw around with this.
    0:20:12 And then I expect you to get a job.
    0:20:13 Yeah.
    0:20:17 Um, by the way, this is like before startups were cool.
    0:20:20 Like now, if you say you’re working on like that, you can just go on Twitter and post about
    0:20:22 it and people are like, oh, that’s awesome.
    0:20:28 And 2014, that it still was a little bit, uh, uh, startups were cool then, but, but not hard
    0:20:29 tech startups.
    0:20:32 Like there were no, there were no hard tech startups to a first order.
    0:20:34 Like there was SpaceX and that was it.
    0:20:38 That was like the era of like Airbnb for blank Uber for this.
    0:20:39 That’s right.
    0:20:40 That’s right.
    0:20:40 Yeah.
    0:20:43 And like the, the only, the only thing that was out there as a reference point for anything
    0:20:44 like this was SpaceX.
    0:20:46 And it was still pretty early.
    0:20:50 Like SpaceX had gotten to orbit and they were working on the Falcon nine.
    0:20:55 And I remember thinking like, wow, you know, that guy went from PayPal to rockets, rockets,
    0:20:56 you know, rockets sound harder than airplanes.
    0:20:58 So this must be possible.
    0:21:03 Uh, it turns out, it turns out I think actually airplanes are harder than rockets, uh, because
    0:21:08 of, because of, you have to have, uh, I guess safety is an issue from day one versus
    0:21:12 rockets, you can blow them up and iterate and you can’t, you can’t do that to an airplane
    0:21:13 with a person on board.
    0:21:16 So, but I didn’t, I didn’t, I was, you know, what, what’s that old phrase?
    0:21:21 Like, I’m not doing this because it was easy, but because I thought it would be easy when
    0:21:21 I started.
    0:21:22 Yeah.
    0:21:24 The best motivational poster of all time.
    0:21:25 Right.
    0:21:30 And I didn’t actually think it was going to be easy, but, um, and people, people often ask
    0:21:33 me, like, if I knew how hard it was going to be, would I still start?
    0:21:34 And they assume the answer is no.
    0:21:36 The answer is definitely yes.
    0:21:40 Uh, I still would have started even knowing how hard it turned out to be.
    0:21:43 So how do you describe this way of thinking?
    0:21:47 Because, you know, you, you talked about this, the pasta dough and the whole, and you’re like,
    0:21:51 what kind of, what noodle do I need to, I need to shove myself through that hole to make myself
    0:21:52 the noodle that I want to be.
    0:21:53 Um, it is.
    0:21:58 So there’s, you have that and you talked about like, I, I just imagined I worked backwards from
    0:21:59 the end.
    0:21:59 I’m retired.
    0:22:01 I’m reading a book about the history of flight.
    0:22:03 And what does that say?
    0:22:05 Does it say nobody invented fast planes?
    0:22:06 No.
    0:22:10 Uh, does it say that Boeing invented the fast plane after showing no evidence of wanting
    0:22:10 to do so?
    0:22:11 No.
    0:22:12 What do you call this?
    0:22:17 Like, I guess, like, do you have a frame or a phrase for that way of thinking?
    0:22:19 Because I think that’s very, sounds simple, but it’s very rare.
    0:22:20 I don’t do that.
    0:22:21 And I want to do more of that.
    0:22:22 So I’ll teach me about that.
    0:22:24 It’s, it’s first principles thinking.
    0:22:26 Um, it’s super, super important.
    0:22:29 And it’s like the most, I think there are two mental skills that are really valuable.
    0:22:31 One is first principles thinking.
    0:22:34 And the other is knowing when you’re confused versus when you’re clear.
    0:22:37 And if you have, if you have both of those, you can do anything.
    0:22:39 Explain both of them.
    0:22:39 Yeah.
    0:22:44 So, so first principles thinking is like looking to get, um, you know, it, it, let’s take a
    0:22:45 math analogy here.
    0:22:50 You know, are there a bunch of data points and I’m going to like draw a line through them
    0:22:51 and extrapolate?
    0:22:56 Or am I going to go understand the equation that led to those data points being where they
    0:22:56 are?
    0:22:59 Am I pattern matching or am I understanding causality?
    0:23:03 And, uh, and going to causality is really important.
    0:23:06 And most people don’t do it.
    0:23:09 They operate on rules of thumb and rules of thumb are fine.
    0:23:13 So long as you’re like doing things that have already been done before or not too far from
    0:23:14 them.
    0:23:17 Uh, but if you want to do anything new or different, or if you want to break from conventional wisdom,
    0:23:19 you have to understand what’s really happening.
    0:23:23 You know, you know, so for example, the pattern matching is Concorde failed.
    0:23:27 People weren’t willing to pay more for supersonic flight like on Concorde.
    0:23:28 Therefore, it doesn’t work.
    0:23:29 It was an economic failure.
    0:23:31 And you could find that in a zillion articles on the internet.
    0:23:34 And, but like, hang on, what was really going on?
    0:23:36 What were the actual economics?
    0:23:38 What’s the actual passenger preference?
    0:23:43 Um, what, you know, what would people, there’s a whole, like, don’t accept a qualitative answer
    0:23:44 to a quantitative question here.
    0:23:49 And, and, and so along, as I was doing this, I saw you say that quote, by the way, I actually
    0:23:53 think that that quote is kind of more profound than the time that you just gave it.
    0:23:55 What exactly does that mean?
    0:23:59 People make all kinds of claims about issues that are measurable without measuring anything
    0:24:08 like it was to pull on this example, people, supersonic flight costs more passengers prefer
    0:24:09 cheaper flights.
    0:24:15 You have to solve sonic boom to be able to fly over land in order for the market to be
    0:24:16 big enough.
    0:24:17 Therefore, you can’t do any of this.
    0:24:23 And like every single thing in there is some qualitative claim about a thing that’s actually
    0:24:24 measurable.
    0:24:26 Well, okay, supersonic flight costs more.
    0:24:26 Well, how much?
    0:24:30 What would the fares have to be?
    0:24:32 How many people are already paying those fares?
    0:24:34 I mean, like, obviously people it’s paid to save time.
    0:24:37 Well, how much do they have to pay and how much time is saved?
    0:24:41 And, you know, okay, is there a market without supersonic flight over land?
    0:24:41 I don’t know.
    0:24:47 Go get the traffic data, build a freaking database and like start to make some assumptions about
    0:24:49 costs and time savings and look at how big the market is.
    0:24:50 That’s what I did in 2014.
    0:24:53 I had a spreadsheet and some JavaScript code that went and did all that.
    0:24:58 And it turned out the actual answers were not what anybody claimed they were because nobody
    0:24:59 else had done the math.
    0:25:02 Yeah, it seems like my dad taught me this thing.
    0:25:04 He goes, he’s an Indian dad.
    0:25:07 He likes to ask for discounts and somebody would say no and he would ask again.
    0:25:08 Yeah.
    0:25:10 And I’d be like, they said no, dad.
    0:25:11 And he’d be like.
    0:25:14 Didn’t your dad, didn’t you say your dad just goes, no, you’re going to give me this.
    0:25:15 Well, yeah.
    0:25:18 Sometimes he’ll just be like, so we’ll get a discount, right?
    0:25:20 And he’ll do that type of thing instead of even asking for the discount.
    0:25:23 But when he’s, when somebody says no, he would ask again or he’d ask somebody else.
    0:25:27 And he would tell me, he would say, don’t take no from a person who didn’t have the power
    0:25:29 to say yes in the first place.
    0:25:30 Right.
    0:25:31 That’s a great phrase.
    0:25:32 She couldn’t have said yes.
    0:25:33 So why do I care if she said no?
    0:25:36 Like she didn’t have the authority to say, to give me the discount.
    0:25:39 So I’m just going to keep asking until I get to the person who at least could say yes.
    0:25:40 Let’s start that.
    0:25:43 And what you’re saying is like, don’t accept a qualitative answer.
    0:25:46 Don’t take a narrative when numbers would be there.
    0:25:49 And I see this all the time in my companies.
    0:25:51 It’s like, yeah, those didn’t perform well.
    0:25:52 Well, how well?
    0:25:53 How bad was it?
    0:25:54 What is that?
    0:25:54 How does that compare?
    0:25:59 Are we sure that that, you know, and once you start to dig in, you realize people are
    0:26:00 not operating from a place of fact.
    0:26:03 And definitely a team is not operating from the same set of facts.
    0:26:06 But how do you get people, Sean, not to think like that, though?
    0:26:11 Well, I’ll tell you how I do, but I would like to hear maybe Blake do it because it sounds
    0:26:13 like he’s probably a little further ahead on the curve there.
    0:26:14 Go ahead.
    0:26:16 I just get very blunt about it, but go ahead.
    0:26:17 Yeah.
    0:26:18 I mean, I ask a lot of questions.
    0:26:22 Like if it’s a, if it’s an engineering thing, if someone’s telling me something’s not possible
    0:26:25 and they can’t explain it in terms of Newtonian mechanics, I just don’t believe it.
    0:26:27 The other thing is-
    0:26:28 That was Sean’s answers.
    0:26:29 That was his answer too.
    0:26:33 I got a C in physics, by the way.
    0:26:35 I had to retake it during the summer at Duke.
    0:26:39 So I’ll give you two little tips that have worked for me.
    0:26:41 And I stole these from when I worked at Twitch.
    0:26:45 Emmett, the founder of Twitch, and now the CEO, Dan, they both had these great ways of
    0:26:46 doing this.
    0:26:50 So both of them, I think, wanted this.
    0:26:55 They wanted people to give more substantiated, dug in, detailed answers that were based on fact
    0:26:59 rather than either opinion or hearsay or just narratives in the company, whatever.
    0:27:03 And so what they would do is they would say things like, hang on, I just want to make sure
    0:27:04 I understand this.
    0:27:08 Rather than saying, I don’t think you understand this, which would make the person feel of text.
    0:27:09 Hang on, wait, wait, wait.
    0:27:12 Sorry, I need to ask you this question because I want to make sure I understand this.
    0:27:12 Yes.
    0:27:13 You said this.
    0:27:16 Is that because blah, blah, blah.
    0:27:17 And so then they would break it down that way.
    0:27:19 They would kind of take them off the defensive.
    0:27:20 And Dan did this great thing.
    0:27:23 He would say, he said, oh, you said something interesting there.
    0:27:26 What he really meant was, you said some bullshit.
    0:27:30 And then he would say, you said that this didn’t work.
    0:27:32 Now, explain this to me.
    0:27:38 It could be that this didn’t work because A, or it could be that we measured this and we
    0:27:40 saw this and it could be B.
    0:27:41 Is it A or B?
    0:27:46 And then people would have to walk through their logic and they would see where their own logic
    0:27:51 had potholes, where they would take huge leaps of assumptions or they’d say, I’d have to
    0:27:55 go look it up and then he would, he would either pause and be like, let’s see if we can get
    0:27:56 that data.
    0:27:58 Can you think you’d get that data in the next two minutes?
    0:28:01 And he would, he’d be like, cause if we just continue talking without that data, then I
    0:28:02 guess the data didn’t really matter.
    0:28:05 Or he’d say, let’s come back with that, with that data.
    0:28:09 And what I’d be really curious of is A, B, C, D, and E.
    0:28:12 And it’d be the logic chain that he wants them to go, to go do.
    0:28:15 And you do that two or three times, you undress people sort of two or three times this
    0:28:19 way, they start to anticipate it and they come into the meeting now with that because
    0:28:22 they know he’s always going to pause me.
    0:28:25 I can’t just, I can’t get away with just saying some bullshit in here.
    0:28:26 I can’t just say it well.
    0:28:29 It doesn’t matter if you say it well, it’s what are you actually saying?
    0:28:30 That’s right.
    0:28:31 So I think that’s brilliant.
    0:28:33 And we built it into our interview process.
    0:28:37 Like my, my favorite interview question is teach me something.
    0:28:41 And it starts a conversation exactly like what you’re describing.
    0:28:44 So the hang on, I didn’t understand what you said.
    0:28:44 Why is that?
    0:28:46 Can you walk me through that?
    0:28:52 Like a story about this, at one point I was interviewing for like a head aerodynamicist
    0:28:58 and like aerodynamics is like the super hard, very mathy, very techie end of aerospace.
    0:29:02 It’s the hardest, you know, technically the hardest part.
    0:29:08 And this guy shows up and he’s got this star-studded resume and he, you know, claims to be an expert
    0:29:10 in hypersonic engine intakes.
    0:29:11 And I’m like, teach me something.
    0:29:12 He’s like, oh, like what?
    0:29:13 I’m like, I don’t know.
    0:29:15 Your resume says, you know, about hypersonic intakes.
    0:29:16 Like I barely know what hypersonic is.
    0:29:17 Teach me.
    0:29:23 And he launches into this thing and he’s like, oh yeah, you really want to use a stream trace
    0:29:25 design because that minimizes the cow lip angle.
    0:29:28 And I’m like, hang on, slow down.
    0:29:29 You went way over my head.
    0:29:30 What’s the cow?
    0:29:31 What’s the cow lip?
    0:29:33 What angle are you talking about?
    0:29:34 And why does any of that matter?
    0:29:38 And it turned out the answer was, I don’t know, right?
    0:29:40 But he had a soundbite that turned out to be true.
    0:29:41 And we had this whole conversation.
    0:29:46 And by the end of it, I felt like I had actually been able to reverse engineer some understanding.
    0:29:47 It was very obvious he didn’t have it.
    0:29:51 And the thing I love about that question is, even if you know it’s, I don’t mind sharing
    0:29:54 this on podcasts because you can’t cheat on the question.
    0:29:58 Even if you know it’s coming, you have to actually understand something.
    0:30:04 Well, you know, what’s funny is back when you were getting going in like 14 and 16 and 18,
    0:30:09 I don’t know about Sean, but like, I was definitely up and coming and I didn’t have like a lot
    0:30:09 of money.
    0:30:11 I didn’t have like enough money to make angel investments.
    0:30:15 And for some reason, like I got sent your deal.
    0:30:17 Not like, you know, I wasn’t in anybody.
    0:30:20 It was just like, you know, this crazy guy has started this thing.
    0:30:25 And it was almost as if I’m like, well, if I’m seeing this, then that must mean that all
    0:30:27 like the cool guys have passed on this.
    0:30:28 Right.
    0:30:31 And I remember like reading about this company, boom.
    0:30:34 And I’m like, oh, this guy, this person’s insane.
    0:30:38 Like why, how is this, how has anyone taken this seriously?
    0:30:41 And obviously that’s how a lot of great ideas start.
    0:30:45 But it didn’t seem like you had an easy going when it came to the fundraising.
    0:30:50 If like a guy like me was even able to come across the deck.
    0:30:51 Oh, it was definitely not easy.
    0:30:54 But by the way, notice, you know, unpack the thinking there.
    0:30:57 That’s an example of bystander thinking implied to investing.
    0:30:58 Sure.
    0:31:00 That’s why I’m not, that’s why I didn’t invest in it.
    0:31:02 And that’s why a bunch of my really smart friends did.
    0:31:07 Yeah, no, I mean, the, the, the fundraising piece of this has been extremely difficult.
    0:31:11 The, you know, I think some people have said there’s no venture in venture capital and it’s,
    0:31:12 it’s kind of true.
    0:31:16 And what didn’t work for us is going to VCs and trying to raise money.
    0:31:19 And, um, I think there are a bunch of reasons for that.
    0:31:23 The superficial reasons are like, oh, that the timelines for this are longer.
    0:31:28 It doesn’t, it’s not a natural fit for, um, kind of fund life cycles where you want to show
    0:31:31 a mark quickly and then use that mark to raise the next fund.
    0:31:35 You know, so anybody who’s focused on that is going to run from a, a business like boom,
    0:31:40 you know, but, but I think the bigger dynamic is like a principal agent type dynamic.
    0:31:46 And it took me a long time to realize this is like, I, I sort of naively thought VCs are
    0:31:49 the people with money and their job is to invest it to make more money.
    0:31:51 But that’s actually not what VCs are.
    0:31:53 VCs are money managers.
    0:31:57 You remember that thing that would go around the Valley, like 10 years ago about Facebook
    0:31:58 being free.
    0:32:02 And people would say, if the product is free, then you’re the product.
    0:32:06 But by the way, if the product gives you money, then you are definitely the product.
    0:32:08 Right.
    0:32:13 And like VCs are in the business of selling startups as an investment class to LPs.
    0:32:16 And, but, and who are the LPs?
    0:32:20 Many times they’re some, if you’re lucky, those are wealthy people who have their own money.
    0:32:23 But many times it’s like the endowment fund of Harvard.
    0:32:28 And it’s like, by the, by the time you trace that dollar back to anybody who actually owns
    0:32:30 it, you have to go many, many levels back.
    0:32:36 And, and the dynamics, like the incentive dynamics in that money, in that sort of like chain of
    0:32:43 money managers is to, to be able to like raise the next fund and keep going relative, you
    0:32:49 know, at a relatively short time period relative to the investment payoff of, of most startups.
    0:32:55 And so what it does is it drives a, there’s an incentive to, to, to, to go invest in things
    0:32:57 that look to LPs like smart investments quickly.
    0:33:01 And, uh, boom might actually be an amazing investment.
    0:33:04 I think, you know, not, there’s no guarantee of this.
    0:33:08 We could totally, you know, at this point we’re big, we’ve done enough stuff that impact is
    0:33:08 guaranteed.
    0:33:13 You know, I just really don’t want it to be a crater, but you know, in, in success, this
    0:33:14 is going to be a trillion dollar company.
    0:33:17 Cause like people are going to fly more when flights are supersonic than subsonic.
    0:33:19 This has to be bigger than Boeing if it works.
    0:33:24 So it could be a great return, but it will take a long time for it to be clear that it’s
    0:33:25 going to be a great return.
    0:33:31 Uh, which means any, anybody whose career is based on raising the next fund from their
    0:33:32 LPs, isn’t going to like it.
    0:33:37 And I wish somebody had been an Oracle and whispered that to my ear in 2014.
    0:33:39 I could have saved myself an enormous amount of pain.
    0:33:40 You did end up raising money.
    0:33:46 And I remember the first time that I heard about you guys, it was, hey, a YC demo day.
    0:33:51 Some guy got on stage and he waved a piece of paper and basically said, we have a hundred
    0:33:57 million dollars or something of LOIs or pre-orders for our supersonic airplanes that we’re going
    0:34:00 to build from, uh, from, uh, from I think Virgin and one other company.
    0:34:01 Yeah.
    0:34:03 It was actually 5 billion in LOIs.
    0:34:06 Um, 5 billion, 5, 5, $5 billion.
    0:34:11 I still remember like Sam Altman’s tweet is that, you know, boom, had $5 billion at LOIs
    0:34:14 at demo day as a record that probably won’t be passed soon.
    0:34:14 Well, exactly.
    0:34:16 So how the hell, how does that happen?
    0:34:16 Is that bullshit?
    0:34:17 Yeah.
    0:34:21 No, I mean, so, so I’ll tell you the story and it involves the story about bullshit.
    0:34:28 Um, the, uh, so we, we do YC and like Sam had been in our seed round and he had sort
    0:34:31 of like, you know, this is back when Sam was running YC and he had sort of like been telling
    0:34:32 me I need to do YC.
    0:34:36 And I’m like, well, isn’t YC for like mobile social, you know, I don’t know that it’s
    0:34:36 for supersonic jets.
    0:34:38 And he kept saying, you have to do it.
    0:34:38 You have to do it.
    0:34:43 And eventually I was like, okay, my biggest risk is I never raised enough money to actually build
    0:34:44 anything.
    0:34:46 YC claims that they’ll help with that.
    0:34:52 I’d, I’d rather try it and it wasn’t useful than, than not try it and fail and not having
    0:34:54 given it every chance to succeed.
    0:34:59 So I did, did YC and early on the group partners like, well, you need to show up with demo day
    0:35:00 at, with sales.
    0:35:06 And I’m like, this is like a 10 person company that just moved out of my basement.
    0:35:11 Like I’d be lucky to, my customer pipeline is like Lufthansa United.
    0:35:15 I’d be lucky to sell airplanes in eight years, let alone eight weeks.
    0:35:16 And what am I going to do?
    0:35:19 And so I was like, okay, there are two things that are possibilities here.
    0:35:21 One, one possibility is a startup airline.
    0:35:26 But if I look at an established airline, the only one that could conceivably do this quickly
    0:35:27 is Virgin.
    0:35:29 And only if I get to Richard.
    0:35:34 And so I went, I went after both of those paths and we actually got a startup airline to do
    0:35:34 it.
    0:35:41 We got them to, there was a startup called Odyssey was going to do an all business class service
    0:35:44 from New York to London city airport.
    0:35:45 And I was like, this is great.
    0:35:48 They’re doing the, you know, flying to London city, which is like the little airport in the
    0:35:48 center of London.
    0:35:50 That’s the best thing you can do short of being supersonic.
    0:35:52 These guys probably get speed.
    0:35:59 And so I met with a guy and he was willing to like, give me an LOI on like actually a different
    0:36:00 corporate entity letterhead.
    0:36:01 And I’m like, woohoo.
    0:36:04 And now this, this LOI was for 15 airplanes at $200 million each.
    0:36:06 So it’s a $3 billion LOI.
    0:36:12 Explain what an LOI means in this context is LOIs can range from non-binding.
    0:36:13 Hey, sure.
    0:36:14 Sure.
    0:36:19 I’m interested in taking a look to a binding LOI with hard money.
    0:36:19 Right.
    0:36:20 There’s, there’s a range.
    0:36:20 That’s what I was saying.
    0:36:23 When you’re talking LOI, what were you talking at this time?
    0:36:25 So this LOI was a piece of paper.
    0:36:28 And, you know, he started asking questions about it.
    0:36:31 It’s from a startup airline, which by the way, hasn’t flown any airplanes yet.
    0:36:36 Like, like this, you know, this was a PDF and it wasn’t worth the paper.
    0:36:36 It was printed on.
    0:36:38 This was the equivalent of, I have a girlfriend.
    0:36:39 She just goes to another school.
    0:36:40 Trust me.
    0:36:43 It’s, it’s, you know, basically.
    0:36:47 And, and so I’m, I’m, I’m doing the practice demo day pitches and like Michael Siebel, bless
    0:36:48 his heart.
    0:36:52 That guy’s got the, I think one of the brilliant things about PG is he’s built a culture at
    0:36:53 YC where people just tell you what they really think.
    0:36:55 It’s one of the best things about YC.
    0:37:02 Um, and so I’m doing practice demo day and, uh, Michael Siebel looks at my slides and my
    0:37:04 pitch and he’s like, Blake, do you have anything that’s real?
    0:37:06 Cause you sound like you’re completely full of shit.
    0:37:12 Um, and it, you know, it was bitter, it was bitter tasting medicine, but it’s what I needed.
    0:37:17 And, um, and so I kept working on retooling the pitch to be focused on what hardware we really
    0:37:18 had at that point in time.
    0:37:21 And also trying to figure out this customer thing.
    0:37:22 Cause I knew that LOI was flimsy.
    0:37:26 And so we’ve been working on Virgin and there’s a whole other set of stories I could tell at
    0:37:29 length about how I got to Branson, but, um, but I did get to Branson.
    0:37:32 Well, tell us, we like the hustle stories.
    0:37:32 Give us one.
    0:37:40 So, so Mark Kelly, who is now Senator Mark Kelly, um, uh, shuttle commander, um, you know,
    0:37:44 human extraordinaire in a bunch of ways, uh, astronaut Mark Kelly, astronaut Mark Kelly.
    0:37:44 Yes.
    0:37:50 Um, was on our advisory board and, uh, he hung out with Richard.
    0:37:55 Um, and I sort of discovered I could ghostwrite emails from Mark Kelly to Richard Branson and
    0:37:56 he would send them.
    0:38:06 Um, and so I did, and this was, so this was like February, March of, um, 2016.
    0:38:11 So Virgin Galactic is about to roll out their second generation spaceship.
    0:38:14 Branson’s going to be in the Mojave desert for that event.
    0:38:19 Uh, my chief engineer had actually gotten invited to go cause he was connected to those circles.
    0:38:20 I hadn’t been invited.
    0:38:27 And, uh, and so the, the, the pitch to Branson from Mark was the, Hey, the boom guys are going
    0:38:29 to be in Mojave for your spaceship rollout.
    0:38:30 You should really meet with them while you’re there.
    0:38:33 And, uh, and he said, okay.
    0:38:38 And so we got a 15 minute meeting and it was me and my chief engineer and Richard and Richard’s
    0:38:39 mom.
    0:38:41 Uh, I actually never got invited to the rollout.
    0:38:43 I had to crash the rollout.
    0:38:46 Um, but I met it, I managed to talk my way into it.
    0:38:50 Uh, and, and I had this 15 minutes with Richard and he kind of, you know, uh, he’s
    0:38:52 he asked us if we want anything to drink.
    0:38:54 And I said, no, I’ve already had lots of coffee.
    0:38:56 And I realized a couple of minutes into the pitch, he’s drinking scotch.
    0:38:59 Um, it’s very early in the morning.
    0:39:00 Um, I love Richard.
    0:39:02 You, you, you, you failed the cool guy test.
    0:39:03 Yeah.
    0:39:06 Apparently, apparently I, I mean, maybe, maybe the pitch would have gotten better if I had
    0:39:09 more scotch, but, uh, but at any rate, he’s like, guys, this is brilliant.
    0:39:11 Like, I love what you’re doing.
    0:39:12 This all makes sense.
    0:39:17 And then he kind of leans back on his chair and he’s like, Oh, but I’m already doing Virgin
    0:39:17 Galactic.
    0:39:19 And that’s a lot.
    0:39:22 And I don’t, I don’t know if I’ve got two of these things in me.
    0:39:26 And I, and I said, Richard, we’re not asking you for money.
    0:39:32 We’re asking if when this works, if you’d like the first few airplanes to be for Virgin, if
    0:39:33 you want them.
    0:39:37 Because if you’ll raise your hand and say, I want these, the product makes sense, then
    0:39:38 I’ll go get all the money elsewhere.
    0:39:42 Uh, and that turned out to be the thing that worked.
    0:39:47 How did you think to, to say, instead of saying, uh, you know, invest in us or advise us or
    0:39:50 whatever, just say, do you want the first ones to say Virgin on the tail?
    0:39:53 Or do you want them to say Lufthansa?
    0:39:56 Because the world is a lot cooler place if we write Virgin on the tail.
    0:39:57 It was really, it was really Virgin versus BA.
    0:40:02 And if you know him with a history of Virgin, you know that Richard, he hates BA, right?
    0:40:05 What is Richard, what Richard cares about PR and he hates BA.
    0:40:09 And when he tried to buy Concords, which he did, he tried to buy BA as Concords when they
    0:40:12 were shutting it down and they wouldn’t sell it to him because they want to get embarrassed.
    0:40:13 So what does this like?
    0:40:17 Basically, Sean, I don’t know if you ever read his book or the listener, BA and Virgin, British
    0:40:22 airlines, they had a battle in the nineties and early 2000s where BA was trying to shut
    0:40:23 down Virgin.
    0:40:24 And so he went on this whole campaign.
    0:40:28 I think he brought like, is this when he brought a tank through London where any like rolled over
    0:40:30 like a fake model plane?
    0:40:34 Like it was like a whole PR campaign of the little guy Virgin versus the big guy BA.
    0:40:35 Oh, it’s great.
    0:40:36 The stories are great, right?
    0:40:41 And he very specifically tried to beat BA with Supersonic and he lost, right?
    0:40:46 And so, so he wants to do this and he cares about PR and he cares about his brand.
    0:40:50 And so I’m like, why don’t I let you stick it to BA?
    0:40:55 So it turned out, you know, so then the meeting ends and there’s no deal.
    0:41:01 And I’m sort of like working it through my friends at Virgin Galactic at this point, trying
    0:41:02 to get something done.
    0:41:07 Um, at this point, uh, YC, the way YC was structured, demo day was spread across two
    0:41:13 days and the company might not exist if we hadn’t been on day two because it’s so like
    0:41:18 what happened, what happened that week is so, so Wednesday is our demo day, demo day two.
    0:41:24 Monday, we were like launching the company out of stealth mode and we’d gotten, um, Ashley
    0:41:26 Vance to write the launch article for Bloomberg.
    0:41:29 And if you don’t know Ashley, he was like Elon’s first biographer.
    0:41:33 We’d let him and the Bloomberg team come out to Denver and interview me and take all the
    0:41:34 pictures they wanted to take.
    0:41:39 And in my head, this is brilliant because the story is going to be boom is the SpaceX of
    0:41:39 airplanes.
    0:41:43 But we, I had no self-awareness about how darn early we were.
    0:41:49 And I let the photographers take a picture of me on a plastic orange chair, climbing into
    0:41:50 a cardboard mock-up of an airplane.
    0:41:56 And Ashley actually wrote a nice story, but his editor picked the picture and wrote the
    0:41:56 headline.
    0:42:01 And the headline said something like this Colorado company thinks it can build a supersonic jet.
    0:42:05 And then there’s my like fat ass climbing into a cardboard mock-up.
    0:42:08 Um, and so that’s Monday.
    0:42:12 I know it’s so bad.
    0:42:12 So bad.
    0:42:17 And it’s, and then it’s, and then it’s at the top of Hacker News and the comment, and the
    0:42:19 comment, like photoshopped, like a helmet on your head.
    0:42:22 Oh, I mean, it was so, it was so awful.
    0:42:25 The comments are like, you know, what an idiotic company.
    0:42:27 Don’t they know airplanes aren’t made out of cardboard?
    0:42:31 And you know, what, what idiot runs marketing at that company?
    0:42:33 Cause who would name a supersonic jet company?
    0:42:33 Boom.
    0:42:36 Um, and it’s brutal.
    0:42:38 It’s just have, and I’m like, we are so screwed.
    0:42:41 Like we’re just, we’re going to be the laughingstock at demo day.
    0:42:47 And so that’s Monday, Tuesday, I’m sitting at my desk, working on the slides and up pops
    0:42:51 this email from Virgin that says we’re in for the first 10 airplanes.
    0:42:52 You can announce it tomorrow.
    0:42:56 And I like read the email like three times.
    0:43:00 Cause I’m like, there is, there’s like no way there’s, there’s like no way this says
    0:43:01 what I think it says.
    0:43:05 So we’re like, we’re like in San Jose in an Airbnb prepping for demo day.
    0:43:05 Right.
    0:43:09 And, uh, and so I’m like, I think, I think I just went from the biggest loser to the biggest
    0:43:10 winner.
    0:43:13 And I called up the team at YC and I’m like, I need to relaunch my startup.
    0:43:15 Um, how do I do this?
    0:43:20 And so I think I stayed up to midnight that night, redoing press pitches under embargo.
    0:43:26 We relaunched the morning of demo day, uh, with a $2 billion LOI from Virgin done on an email.
    0:43:32 Um, and, uh, and, and then we’re back at the top of hacker news again.
    0:43:39 And the comments are like Monday, my, my favorite comments were like one, what genius runs marketing
    0:43:42 at boom that the one, two punch, that’s how you launch a company.
    0:43:48 And if there was another one that was like Monday, colon, ha ha Wednesday, colon.
    0:43:49 Oh shit.
    0:43:56 Uh, and, uh, you know, but by, by the grace of Richard Branson, we would have died that week.
    0:44:02 You seem to have a lot of these stories that are, uh, what our buddy George Mack likes to
    0:44:03 call high agency.
    0:44:06 So you were a high school dropout yet.
    0:44:10 You got into college and you, I think you high agencyed your way into college.
    0:44:13 As I understand that you didn’t just work at Amazon.
    0:44:16 I think you like kicked ass at Amazon and some, you got the job in an interesting way.
    0:44:18 And I think you kicked ass in an interesting way.
    0:44:23 This whole idea of like, I didn’t take at face value while the Concord failed.
    0:44:28 And I kind of like taught myself the physics and calculus I needed to like diligence the
    0:44:29 idea initially.
    0:44:34 Um, it seems like you have a lot of these, what’s your favorite version of those stories that
    0:44:41 you think, you know, it’s that I think your meter might be like, you don’t have the, what’s
    0:44:41 it called?
    0:44:47 Like the, um, like the thing that stops a car from going at a certain speed, like an artificial
    0:44:50 governor, yeah, you removed your governor.
    0:44:55 And so you’re willing to go further than the average person would when it looks like the
    0:44:57 default answer is no, no, no for you.
    0:44:58 Yeah.
    0:45:01 Um, well, I want to understand, I guess a couple of things.
    0:45:03 One is I want to understand things for myself.
    0:45:06 Um, and maybe that’s the most important thing.
    0:45:13 Like I don’t, um, funny side story as, as I was like going through a divorce and like fighting
    0:45:16 with my ex-wife, uh, over like custody.
    0:45:21 And I had to go through this like weird psychological exam and, uh, I’m going through, you know,
    0:45:24 these like multi-choice questions where they ask you, you know, this random thing.
    0:45:29 Like I could tell, uh, there were questions like, I think the experts are wrong and I know
    0:45:29 better.
    0:45:33 And I’m like, I think they’re testing for delusions of grandeur.
    0:45:37 So I’m not going to, I’m not going to answer this one honestly, but that’s actually what
    0:45:38 I think.
    0:45:40 I think the experts are wrong all the time.
    0:45:42 Anybody who bothers to think about it can figure out differently.
    0:45:46 And, and so, so I have that premise, but I also, I don’t know.
    0:45:48 I feel like I have a complicated relationship with my own ego.
    0:45:53 It was a really weird decision for me psychologically to start this company.
    0:45:58 It was like, I look in the mirror and I’m like, totally don’t look like the guy to do
    0:45:58 this.
    0:46:02 And it was very bizarre to tell my friends, I’m going to go build supersonic jets.
    0:46:05 It’s like, I didn’t look like the person to do it.
    0:46:07 I didn’t actually believe on the inside I was going to succeed.
    0:46:08 I just didn’t want to not try.
    0:46:12 Um, and I, and I really struggled with that.
    0:46:14 And I remember thinking about, you know, who my business heroes were.
    0:46:18 And I thought of, you know, I especially, I thought of a lot, but I especially thought of
    0:46:24 Bill Gates because Gates had said, I think during the seventies that his goal for Microsoft
    0:46:30 was to put a personal computer in every home and on every desk running Microsoft software.
    0:46:34 And he said that in the seventies, right?
    0:46:35 And then he actually went and did it.
    0:46:42 Uh, and then some, and, and what was, what was it like to be Bill when Bill said that?
    0:46:45 Like he didn’t have a resume for it either.
    0:46:50 He could have flamed out and like, because he didn’t flame out, we know who Bill Gates
    0:46:52 is and we have those computers.
    0:46:56 But if, you know, so I’m like, okay, there must be a couple of categories of entrepreneurs.
    0:47:01 So the people who like go after these big missions and they succeed and we all know their names
    0:47:04 because it is Bill and it’s Steve.
    0:47:07 And back in the day, it’s Thomas Edison and, you know, the greats of the great, right?
    0:47:13 And then there’s probably like the dark matter of founders and the dark matter of founders
    0:47:16 are the people who go for big things, who set big goals, but it doesn’t work.
    0:47:24 And, um, would I rather be in the dark matter of founders or would I rather be in the like,
    0:47:29 I didn’t try and I just had a job or I started another mobile apps company.
    0:47:33 And I made the conscious decision that I’d rather be a dark matter founder.
    0:47:36 That’s pretty badass.
    0:47:38 Basically, you were willing to lose.
    0:47:40 I had to be willing to lose.
    0:47:46 I mean, another, another turn of phrase here is, um, oh boy, I’ll tell this through my story
    0:47:46 of my daughter.
    0:47:52 Um, she was, uh, when she turned 10, which is a few years ago now, uh, I took her out to
    0:47:55 ice cream and it was, it was one of these like low moments where like I didn’t know how the
    0:47:56 company was going to survive.
    0:48:02 And, and by the way, we have one of those like every year, um, like with like regularity,
    0:48:03 there’s like a life and death crisis every year.
    0:48:07 Um, and I, I didn’t know, I didn’t know how we were going to get through this particular
    0:48:07 one.
    0:48:09 And I was feeling pretty down about it.
    0:48:13 And like, you know, in my, I had this self-talk that was like, man, my daughter for her entire
    0:48:17 conscious life, all her dad has been doing is saying he’s going to build supersonic jets.
    0:48:21 And, you know, and it could totally, the first prototype might never fly.
    0:48:26 Um, and you know, what the hell is my identity to my children?
    0:48:31 Uh, and it’s just not really a great question, but I had that question.
    0:48:35 Um, and I, you know, so she’s in the back of the car, we’ve just had ice cream.
    0:48:40 And I said, Ada, like, what would you think if I failed at boom?
    0:48:45 And I’m going to tear up as I say this, she didn’t miss a beat.
    0:48:48 And, and she said, I’d be proud of you for trying.
    0:48:52 And, uh, that speaks to me very deeply.
    0:48:58 And, uh, that’s the view I try to have for my, myself, you know, do things I’d be proud
    0:49:01 to try, but do things I’d be proud to fail at.
    0:49:05 And I’ve always told the team, like, there’s no guarantee of success here.
    0:49:07 We might fail, but if we fail, we’re going to fail honestly.
    0:49:10 And we’re going to fail having given it our all.
    0:49:12 And we’re not going to give up.
    0:49:19 And when the, uh, when, when XB1, which is, that’s our prototype airplane, the, you know,
    0:49:24 the first startup to ever break the sound barrier with that airplane, you know, when it landed
    0:49:29 earlier this year for the last time, um, and I was standing outside the airplane with
    0:49:32 the team of 50 people that had built it and flown it.
    0:49:39 Um, and I said to the team, the reason, the reason we get to be here today is we didn’t
    0:49:39 give up.
    0:49:43 We got here because we’re the team that did not give up.
    0:49:44 It took a whole lot of not giving up.
    0:49:46 Other reasonable people would have given up.
    0:49:48 A bunch of reasonable people did give up.
    0:49:53 And to get, to get over to our airliner flying, that’s going to require a lot more of not
    0:49:53 giving up.
    0:49:59 So pick something you’d be proud to fail at and don’t give up.
    0:50:03 New York city founders.
    0:50:06 If you’ve listened to my first million before, you know, I’ve got this company called Hampton
    0:50:09 and Hampton is a community for founders and CEOs.
    0:50:13 A lot of the stories and ideas that I get for this podcast, I actually got it from people
    0:50:15 who I met in Hampton.
    0:50:17 We have this big community of a thousand plus people and it’s amazing.
    0:50:22 But the main part is this eight person core group that becomes your board of advisors for
    0:50:23 your life and for your business.
    0:50:31 Now, to the folks in New York city, I’m building a in real life core group in New York city.
    0:50:35 And so if you meet one of the following criteria, your business either does 3 million in revenue
    0:50:40 or you’ve raised 3 million in funding, or you’ve started and sold a company for at least $10
    0:50:42 million, then you are eligible to apply.
    0:50:45 So go to joinhampton.com and apply.
    0:50:48 I’m going to be reviewing all of the applications myself.
    0:50:50 So put that you heard about this on MFM.
    0:50:53 So I know to give you a little extra love now back to the show.
    0:50:57 That’s a great story.
    0:51:01 I also think that, um, you know, I’m not in your industry at all.
    0:51:08 Um, Sean’s, uh, and I make internet stuff and I remember seeing this Elon Musk video where
    0:51:12 his, the, the, the rocket, I don’t, I don’t remember what it did, but it was some threshold
    0:51:15 that they had never accomplished before where it got to space, something like that.
    0:51:21 And you see him looking up and you hear the launch control, like freaking out.
    0:51:23 And he actually, I think he like cries.
    0:51:24 It looks like he’s about to cry.
    0:51:24 Yeah.
    0:51:30 He’s like looking up and he’s like, it, it, it almost felt like he was even in awe or impressed
    0:51:32 where he was like, I can’t believe it.
    0:51:37 It worked and the whole crew, you know, a thousand employees are just freaking out.
    0:51:37 Yeah.
    0:51:42 And I remember thinking like, uh, you know, I don’t want to something like that seems so
    0:51:43 challenging, man.
    0:51:44 I couldn’t do it.
    0:51:46 It took 15 years, 20 years to get there.
    0:51:49 And then you see that video and you’re like, wow, that’s totally worth it.
    0:51:51 And I, and I’m a little envious.
    0:51:54 It’s sort of like someone like running a marathon and at the end of the marathon, their family
    0:51:58 is there and they’re freaking out or doing some type of like crazy physical task where it takes
    0:52:00 decades or years to work towards.
    0:52:04 And then you have this like moment where it’s like, you know, there’s a very beginning and
    0:52:05 a middle and an end to the journey.
    0:52:07 And I’m very envious of that.
    0:52:11 And it’s really cool that you had that, you know, recently, uh, it happened like six months
    0:52:11 ago.
    0:52:13 I forget that you guys like had your first flight.
    0:52:14 Yeah, it was three.
    0:52:15 It was like three months ago.
    0:52:16 It was recent.
    0:52:16 Yeah.
    0:52:17 Three, three months ago.
    0:52:19 And I remember having, I’m like, I have nothing to do with you, but I had this,
    0:52:22 this sense of pride just for you.
    0:52:26 Uh, and I remember seeing Paul Graham, who isn’t like a very, Paul Graham doesn’t seem
    0:52:27 like a very excitable person.
    0:52:30 And he seemed very excited about this.
    0:52:31 And I was like, this is amazing.
    0:52:34 And it almost felt, it felt very patriotic.
    0:52:38 Uh, you know, that had nothing to, I don’t know if there was no like, it’s team ambition
    0:52:40 instead of team America, right?
    0:52:45 It’s, uh, yeah, I think there’s a part of all of us that wonders what’s the version of
    0:52:48 me if I did the most ambitious thing.
    0:52:51 If I did my version of supersonic jets, right?
    0:52:53 And when I was little, I wasn’t a flight enthusiast.
    0:52:54 I didn’t have my pilot success.
    0:53:00 I, your thing is your thing, but I think everybody has a little version of that in them.
    0:53:05 There’s some version of that in you, the most ambitious thing, the most you thing you could
    0:53:05 possibly do.
    0:53:08 And you probably fail and it’d probably be super hard.
    0:53:12 And you could probably, if you’re smart, you have a lot of easier options if you decided
    0:53:12 to choose.
    0:53:14 And it could be small even like, that’s right.
    0:53:18 Be a standup comedian or do a show all the way to go to space.
    0:53:22 It’s the, it’s the biggest ambition rolled up to someone’s actual frame and their actual
    0:53:23 values.
    0:53:28 Like imagine going back to your five-year-old self and saying, let me tell you, I’m gonna
    0:53:29 tell you what you’re going to get to do.
    0:53:30 Here it is.
    0:53:34 And like, what makes that five-year-old self just like tickled pink?
    0:53:35 Like, wait a minute.
    0:53:36 I get to do that?
    0:53:40 Blake, have you ever read the Pixar rules of storytelling?
    0:53:47 They have this thing called the 22 rules and the 22 rules, rule number one, the most important
    0:53:51 rule, this is Pixar, Pixar who, if anybody knows how to move people, they know how to move people
    0:53:52 emotionally.
    0:53:56 Rule number one is you admire the character more for trying than for their successes.
    0:54:03 And so, you know, the hallmark of every Pixar movie is not the happy ending, right?
    0:54:06 It’s how the character approached the obstacles.
    0:54:11 And this sounds like super, super obvious, but the reality is like, that’s also what,
    0:54:13 you know, moves founders.
    0:54:17 It’s also what inspires people is not the success.
    0:54:18 Cause yes, it’s amazing.
    0:54:21 That’s like Elon story with the rockets landing.
    0:54:21 Wow.
    0:54:22 That’s so cool.
    0:54:25 The rockets landing on their synchronized in the middle of the ocean.
    0:54:26 That is amazing.
    0:54:30 But it’s like 10 times more amazing when you know that the first three rockets blew up and
    0:54:34 that he went all in and that, you know, and that nobody was going to do this if he didn’t,
    0:54:39 if he didn’t push forward and continue on in the face of like almost certain failure.
    0:54:39 Right.
    0:54:43 So I think that’s like one of the most important rules for founders.
    0:54:45 Cause it’s what will inspire your team.
    0:54:46 It’ll inspire, you know, customers.
    0:54:47 It’ll inspire the audience.
    0:54:48 It’ll inspire investors.
    0:54:54 In the end is that you admire the character, how the character tries rather than their success.
    0:54:55 I think that’s right.
    0:54:59 One of our OG boom people has a metaphor for this that I found really useful.
    0:55:05 He calls it the emotional piggy bank and he’s like, every time you’re struggling with a
    0:55:11 problem and you push through, you’re putting a quarter in the piggy bank and when you finally
    0:55:16 succeed, you get to break open the emotional piggy bank and the harder it was to get there,
    0:55:17 the more joyous the victory.
    0:55:19 Right.
    0:55:22 And I think, I think he used to, this guy’s been a boom for nine years.
    0:55:24 He’s one of the few early people that stuck it out.
    0:55:29 Now he runs our engine program and, and, uh, I think he, I think he was using that with
    0:55:33 himself a lot, but I’ve, you know, I’ve tried to broadcast it to the team.
    0:55:35 Cause I think it’s really, I think it’s really true.
    0:55:38 When do you think you guys are going to be mainstream?
    0:55:40 When are you going to be, when are people going to be flying?
    0:55:44 Cause right now you’re at this point in the company where it’s like, all right, you’ve
    0:55:44 raised 700 million.
    0:55:51 So obviously you’re a big deal, but you’re not to the point where it’s like, uh, this is
    0:55:52 a thing, this is going to work.
    0:55:56 Uh, when do you think that that’s going to cross this?
    0:56:00 Or, and, uh, I guess it’s been 15 years, uh, or 12 years.
    0:56:00 Yeah.
    0:56:04 Uh, 11, uh, we’ll turn 11 on paper in September.
    0:56:04 Yeah.
    0:56:07 11, 11 years ago, I was in my basement reading textbooks.
    0:56:07 Wow.
    0:56:08 So not that long ago.
    0:56:11 And now when, what’s the next chapter of the story?
    0:56:15 So you got through a bunch of chapters, you got through the crazy guy in his bed, bedroom
    0:56:16 to, Oh, okay.
    0:56:19 This is kind of interesting to, Oh my God, he made a prototype.
    0:56:22 This is actually, this is actually potentially serious.
    0:56:25 Now the next chapter, what’s that going to be?
    0:56:27 And when is it going to be, uh, when are we going to read it?
    0:56:33 You know, one way to look at this is like, you know, progressive overturning of the skeptics.
    0:56:36 Um, that’s not how I see it on the inside, but it’s one way to look at it.
    0:56:42 You know, the skeptics said a startup could never sell airplanes to airlines.
    0:56:45 Oh, we did United bought them, made a deposit.
    0:56:46 American did.
    0:56:47 Japan airlines did a pre-order.
    0:56:48 Okay.
    0:56:48 That happened.
    0:56:51 Uh, a startup can never build a supersonic jet.
    0:56:53 Um, Oh, we did that.
    0:56:54 Okay.
    0:56:58 The next thing skeptics say is, um, we’re never going to succeed at building our own jet engine.
    0:57:02 Like there’s a whole class of people who are just like convinced that only big companies
    0:57:03 can build jet engines.
    0:57:07 And, uh, we’re going to find out pretty soon who’s right.
    0:57:12 It was the end of this year, our full scale jet engine prototype, you know, should be running.
    0:57:15 And then next year we’ll start building the first airplane.
    0:57:22 And our, our goal is to roll the first one off the line in 27, uh, fly it in 28 and be ready
    0:57:23 for passengers in 29.
    0:57:28 And there’s a good chance that like it could take longer than that, but those are, those
    0:57:29 are the goals.
    0:57:34 And I, and I, I believe in, uh, we’ve got a lot, uh, gotten a lot of learnings along the
    0:57:37 way about how you set goals and how you set schedules, which I can talk about.
    0:57:44 But my, my conclusion is ambitious schedules result in the fastest actual execution.
    0:57:46 And so that’s, those are our targets.
    0:57:51 You know, it’s a cliche that I say this at the end of the podcast, you know, it gets to
    0:57:52 the point where someone says something amazing.
    0:57:54 I go, man, you’re, you’re the man.
    0:58:01 Uh, uh, and so I’ve overused that phrase, but I think that, um, of the people who I look
    0:58:07 up to are, it’s almost, you’re potentially going to be an American hero.
    0:58:09 And I, and I think that like, we’re honored to talk to you.
    0:58:14 And I think that, that, um, I hope that you are, because it would be really fun to have
    0:58:14 you win.
    0:58:17 It would be, it would give us all a huge sense of pride to watch you win.
    0:58:20 And, and, and I think the, the jet thing is cool.
    0:58:25 The, but the cooler thing is that you’ve had, you had a crazy vision and it might actually
    0:58:26 come to fruition.
    0:58:30 You know, I appreciate your saying that it’s a weird, and again, I have a weird relationship
    0:58:34 with my ego on this, but I think back to like my days in college and I was reading my favorite
    0:58:35 book, which is Atlas Shrugged.
    0:58:43 And my, my favorite character in Atlas Shrugged is this guy, Hank Reardon, uh, who is this sort
    0:58:49 of combination business technology hero, um, who like invented a new kind of metal.
    0:58:55 Um, and, uh, and I, but I remember crying and thinking like, man, I don’t have it to be
    0:58:56 somebody like him.
    0:59:01 And, uh, you know, I always wanted to be, but I didn’t think I could be.
    0:59:07 And along the way, someone, someone told me that this, the things we admire in other people
    0:59:09 are actually our own strengths.
    0:59:11 And at first that made no sense to me.
    0:59:17 Uh, but as I start to pattern match about it, like, like my own weaknesses are the things
    0:59:20 that annoy me the most in other people and my own strengths are the things I admire most
    0:59:20 in other people.
    0:59:23 It’s very paradoxical, but it seems to actually be true.
    0:59:30 And, uh, and so there’s this like weird thing where I think we could actually become our heroes.
    0:59:35 Um, and, and my, you know, of all the various random things that were said about me after
    0:59:40 we broke the sound barrier, the one that spoke to me the most was where someone who I’d never
    0:59:42 met, never heard of compared me to Hank Reardon.
    0:59:44 Oh, that’s awesome.
    0:59:45 Yeah, that’s amazing.
    0:59:49 I always say, if you spot it, you got it both on the good and bad.
    0:59:52 If something bothers you about some other people, it’s because there’s a part of you
    0:59:54 that recognizes that behavior.
    0:59:58 Um, and same thing, if something inspires you, there’s a part of you that identifies with that
    0:59:59 behavior, right?
    1:00:01 You are what you admire.
    1:00:05 And, and I think that that, once you realize that you start to get, actually, you start to
    1:00:08 pay some attention to what you choose, what you’re choosing to admire because you’re actually
    1:00:10 pointing your little compass in that direction.
    1:00:14 Um, and you know, then there’s just a question of, are you going to remove the governor?
    1:00:16 Are you going to leave it in and not actually go chase it all the way?
    1:00:17 I love this.
    1:00:18 That’s the, that’s the happy side of it.
    1:00:22 And then the unhappy side of it is the things that drive me crazy and other people, holy shit,
    1:00:24 I need to have a dog with myself because I’m probably doing it too.
    1:00:25 Right.
    1:00:27 I like this quote that you have.
    1:00:30 You said, if every founder worked on the most ambitious thing they could get their head
    1:00:34 around, everyone would be happier and more great things would get built.
    1:00:37 You know, there’s probably going to be somewhere between half a million and a million people
    1:00:39 who listen to this episode.
    1:00:44 Um, like, I guess if you were going to leave here making your case for that, for why, why
    1:00:46 founders should work on the most ambitious thing.
    1:00:48 Um, what’s your case?
    1:00:58 Can’t lose if you win, obviously it’s great, but I think the, I think it’s a mistake to
    1:01:01 start from your resume and it’s a mistake to start from what you think you can do.
    1:01:08 is I think the only way to find out what you can do is to pick the most motivating thing
    1:01:10 in the world and, and run at it.
    1:01:15 Something that’s so motivating that the goal matters more than your own insecurities, that
    1:01:20 you could do that thing where you extrude yourself into the noodle of the right shape.
    1:01:22 That’s the only way you find your limits.
    1:01:28 By the way, you were really young and I think I read that you reported directly to Jeff Bezos.
    1:01:30 I can’t let you leave without asking you.
    1:01:31 Do you have any good Bezos stories?
    1:01:32 Oh, I’ve got a bunch.
    1:01:33 I did not report directly to Bezos.
    1:01:39 The, one of the most annoying things that happens as the, uh, as you go through these journeys
    1:01:42 is like little bits of bio get turned into better soundbites.
    1:01:46 And then I feel embarrassed because like, like people claim I was an executive at Amazon and
    1:01:50 I was not like, well, someone was like, what actually, oh, he, uh, he worked at Amazon.
    1:01:51 Oh, so he works for Jeff Bezos.
    1:01:53 Yeah, he, he, he worked for Jeff Bezos.
    1:01:54 Oh, he worked for Jeff Bezos.
    1:01:55 Right.
    1:01:57 So sort of every hourly worker in the warehouse.
    1:02:00 Now I did get, I did get able to do something that Jeff cared about.
    1:02:02 So I got to work with him a bit.
    1:02:07 Um, but that meant that like, I was updating him once a quarter and, you know, and if I
    1:02:10 screwed up really badly, like Jeff would hand my ass to me.
    1:02:13 And, and the, by the way, there’s no better early career experience than to be like 22
    1:02:15 working on something that Jeff happens to care about.
    1:02:17 And when I screw it up, he tells me.
    1:02:21 And so I found out later that I was the youngest ever manager at Amazon.
    1:02:26 I don’t think I knew that at the time, but I got to build the, um, uh, the thing I got to
    1:02:29 do was basically do Amazon’s first ad buy from Google.
    1:02:35 And this, you know, and build the system that was, I think the first automated ad buying
    1:02:35 system on the internet.
    1:02:41 This was before the, the, we were buying AdWords before there was an AdWords API with like screen
    1:02:44 scrapers that were like automatically clicking buttons in the background with Perl scripts.
    1:02:49 And, uh, it was, my experience of it was, it was like standing next to a rocket and then
    1:02:54 the rocket took off and like my like jacket got caught on the rocket and I kind of was along
    1:02:54 for the ride.
    1:03:01 Uh, but at some, at some point this thing was, was driving 7% of Amazon sales and 7% of Google
    1:03:03 sales all at the same time.
    1:03:10 Um, and, and somehow I just, you know, I, I, my experience of it was I was like on the precipice
    1:03:12 of failing and they were about to fire me and replace me with somebody who actually knew
    1:03:13 what they were doing.
    1:03:17 Um, and, and I was like right at that line and never quite crossed it.
    1:03:22 Um, but it was a, it was a great first go build something from scratch gig.
    1:03:26 And, uh, and I got to learn a lot from that experience and I got to know, got to know Jeff
    1:03:28 a little bit, but like, I didn’t work directly for him.
    1:03:31 I was like, what’s he like and what’d you pick up from him?
    1:03:34 Oh, I really admire Jeff.
    1:03:38 The stories they get told about CEOs tend to be the ones about how they lose their cool and
    1:03:40 yell at people and fire people in the elevators and whatnot.
    1:03:45 And one of my favorite things, and I would watch Jeff lose it from people a couple of
    1:03:49 times, but what I found is he never lost it with me so long as I took accountability.
    1:03:55 And I remember the very first time I was presenting to Jeff, we had just launched like the MVP of
    1:03:56 this thing I was describing.
    1:03:59 And I’m like telling Jeff how he built it and why.
    1:04:03 And I’m like nervous AF cause I’m like 22 or 23 presenting to like this God.
    1:04:07 And we get partly through the presentation and it’s going well.
    1:04:09 And then he says, well, why didn’t you do X?
    1:04:10 And he’s got this idea.
    1:04:12 And I said, well, we didn’t think of that.
    1:04:16 And, and, and he starts laughing, right.
    1:04:19 He starts laughing the big famous Jeff Bezos laugh.
    1:04:21 And he says, that’s a great answer.
    1:04:24 It’s true all the time, but nobody’s willing to say it.
    1:04:31 And, and so what I found was like, you know, whenever I just told Jeff the truth and took
    1:04:34 accountability, like there was another time I was in front of the old executive team and
    1:04:36 the temperatures going up in the room.
    1:04:39 I was like, why did we do this when this other thing was a higher priority?
    1:04:43 And you can just, everyone’s get progressively more pissed off that we’ve misprioritized.
    1:04:46 And I just spoke up and said, that was my call.
    1:04:47 I got it wrong.
    1:04:48 I misprioritized.
    1:04:49 I won’t do it again.
    1:04:51 And, and the tone of the room was okay.
    1:04:53 And the conversation moved on.
    1:04:59 And obviously I couldn’t do that every single time on every single thing, but Jeff, Jeff rewarded
    1:05:00 straight shooters.
    1:05:02 Jeff rewarded accountability.
    1:05:06 Jeff rewarded knowing, knowing your own business, like the back of your hand.
    1:05:09 And he was, he was tremendously forgiving for learning on the job.
    1:05:11 And I, I have huge respect for it.
    1:05:14 The other thing is like, I’d go in to talk to him once a quarter and you’d like, you know,
    1:05:19 and I felt like I knew my shit and he would hand me like a novel insight in five minutes.
    1:05:21 I’m the thing that I did every day.
    1:05:26 And I think that goes to like being really smart, but also that first principles thing.
    1:05:28 As you go to first principles, you can actually get to novel insights.
    1:05:30 That’s exactly what Emmett said.
    1:05:32 Amazon bought Twitch for like a billion dollars, whatever.
    1:05:33 So he reported to Jeff.
    1:05:36 And so he would go, I think twice a year, three times a year, go meet him.
    1:05:38 And he said the same thing.
    1:05:40 He’s like, he wants you to know your business.
    1:05:44 He’s like, but then within five minutes of sort of reading the document, he’s like, without
    1:05:48 fail, he would give me one thing that I thought was kind of impossible.
    1:05:54 I think about this business 24 seven and he gives me an idea or an angle or perspective,
    1:05:57 like a novel perspective or novel idea that I didn’t have.
    1:06:00 And he’s like, that’s amazing.
    1:06:03 That is a, you know, that shows kind of the level that that guy’s at.
    1:06:07 He’s super smart and he’s very first principles.
    1:06:11 And if you put those two things together, that’s what actually, I think that’s what makes my
    1:06:12 experience and Emmett’s experience possible.
    1:06:15 And it’s the thing that enables other leaders to do the same thing.
    1:06:20 The thing I try to challenge myself to do is at any given like management review or working
    1:06:23 with a team, I try to ask myself, what’s the most important question?
    1:06:27 And many, many times what I find is no one’s asked the most important question.
    1:06:29 It’s actually not hard to find it and not hard to ask it.
    1:06:30 That’s pretty brilliant.
    1:06:32 What’s it, could you just give us an example of that?
    1:06:36 Like a situation where you, you asked that question and it shifted the convo?
    1:06:37 I got one from yesterday.
    1:06:38 That’s sort of an example.
    1:06:43 I called the Overture leadership team together on a Sunday.
    1:06:48 My spidey sense was firing that we weren’t aligned about development philosophy.
    1:06:52 And we start talking about when to insource and when to vertically integrate.
    1:06:56 And, you know, the conversation in the room started, I was like, oh, vertical integrations
    1:06:57 is a goal.
    1:06:59 So we’ll eventually do all these things.
    1:07:03 And I tried to get the conversation to like, no, it’s not.
    1:07:07 Like what we need is the winning strategy.
    1:07:11 What we need to decide is when do we want suppliers and when do we want to do things ourselves?
    1:07:14 And what are the principles by which we make those decisions?
    1:07:17 And then, so I went to the whiteboard and the room started like trying to answer those
    1:07:20 questions, like how do we know whether we should do something ourselves or outsource it?
    1:07:24 And I don’t think we’ve completely cracked the nut on that, but we at least brought the
    1:07:29 team’s focus not to like, what are the answers, but how are the principles by which we make
    1:07:30 those decisions?
    1:07:34 And I think if we pull, I think we’ll keep pulling on that thread and ultimately the answer
    1:07:38 to that question will be part of our success story as a company, because we’ll have understood
    1:07:39 how to think about it.
    1:07:43 And we’ve got the team on a set of principles that will then, if they won’t need to make every,
    1:07:46 bring every supplier decision to me, they’ll like, they’ll, they’ll,
    1:07:50 they’ll like, look, understand the principles and make great independent decisions.
    1:07:51 Dude, Blake, you’re awesome, man.
    1:07:53 You’re a, you’re a very unique founder.
    1:07:55 Met a lot of founders.
    1:07:56 You’re a very unique guy.
    1:07:57 And what you’re doing is awesome.
    1:07:58 I really appreciate you coming on.
    1:08:02 And I hope you, I hope my keyboard wasn’t making too much noise because I kept writing
    1:08:06 down these little quotables that I thought were pretty, pretty great for me.
    1:08:10 The best episodes, Blake, the best episodes, you’ll either, you’ll see Sean and I do two
    1:08:11 things.
    1:08:16 You’ll see us do this and we like are gazing or the other thing that I, that we do is we
    1:08:17 just, you see us do this.
    1:08:21 You see us just lean back and cross our arms and like classes in session.
    1:08:22 Uh, well, thank you.
    1:08:24 I had a lot of fun.
    1:08:24 Yeah.
    1:08:26 Where should people follow you or follow the journey?
    1:08:29 Where do you want to direct people who want to kind of stay in touch here?
    1:08:31 Um, I’m pretty active on X.
    1:08:35 So I’m at B-Scholl, B-S-C-H-O-L-L.
    1:08:39 Um, that’s the, uh, that’s probably the best place to follow along.
    1:08:42 I, I try to give people like an inside view on what’s going on at boom.
    1:08:44 And then I, I mouth off about other random things in the world.
    1:08:44 So.
    1:08:45 All right, man.
    1:08:47 Well, I look forward to flying everywhere in half the time.
    1:08:49 Thank you for, uh, for coming on.
    1:08:50 Thank you for doing it.
    1:08:51 And, uh, all right, that’s it.
    1:08:52 That’s the pod.
    1:08:54 I feel like I can rule the world.
    1:08:58 I know I could be what I want to put my all in it.
    1:09:00 Like no day’s off on the road.
    1:09:01 Let’s travel.
    1:09:02 Never looking back.
    1:09:09 Hey everyone, a quick break.
    1:09:12 My favorite podcast guest on my first million is Dharmesh.
    1:09:13 Dharmesh founded HubSpot.
    1:09:14 He’s a billionaire.
    1:09:16 He’s one of my favorite entrepreneurs on earth.
    1:09:22 And on one of our podcasts recently, he said the most valuable skill that anyone could have
    1:09:25 when it comes to making money in business is copywriting.
    1:09:29 And when I say copywriting, what I mean is writing words that get people to take action.
    1:09:32 And I agree, by the way, I learned how to be a copywriter in my twenties.
    1:09:34 It completely changed my life.
    1:09:36 I ended up starting and selling a company for tens of millions of dollars.
    1:09:40 And copywriting was the skill that made all of that happen.
    1:09:45 And the way that I learned how to copyright is by using a technique called copywork,
    1:09:49 which is basically taking the best sales letters and I would write it word for word.
    1:09:52 And I would make notes as to why each phrase was impactful and effective.
    1:09:55 And a lot of people have been asking me about copywork.
    1:09:56 So I decided to make a whole program for it.
    1:09:57 It’s called Copy That.
    1:09:59 CopyThat.com.
    1:10:00 It’s only like 120 bucks.
    1:10:04 And it’s a simple, fast, easy way to improve your copywriting.
    1:10:06 And so if you’re interested, you need to check it out.
    1:10:07 It’s called Copy That.
    1:10:10 You can check it out at CopyThat.com.

    Episode 704: Sam Parr ( https://x.com/theSamParr ) and Shaan Puri ( https://x.com/ShaanVP ) talk to Blake Scholl ( https://x.com/bscholl ) about he went from high school dropout to Groupon to the founder of a supersonic jet startup. 

    Show Notes:

    (0:00) Find your red line

    (4:29) Problems hidden in plain sight

    (13:00) The making of Boom Supersonic

    (23:00) No rules of thumb

    (29:13) Blake’s favorite interview question

    (34:22) Demo Day at YC

    (38:13) Selling Richard Branson

    (47:46) Being a dark matter founder

    (52:14) What does the most ambition of yourself look like?

    (55:51) Progressively overturning of the skeptics

    (1:01:06) Working with Jeff Bezos at Amazon

    Links:

    • Boom – https://boomsupersonic.com/ 

    Check Out Shaan’s Stuff:

    Need to hire? You should use the same service Shaan uses to hire developers, designers, & Virtual Assistants → it’s called Shepherd (tell ‘em Shaan sent you): https://bit.ly/SupportShepherd

    Check Out Sam’s Stuff:

    • Hampton – https://www.joinhampton.com/

    • Ideation Bootcamp – https://www.ideationbootcamp.co/

    • Copy That – https://copythat.com

    • Hampton Wealth Survey – https://joinhampton.com/wealth

    • Sam’s List – http://samslist.co/

    My First Million is a HubSpot Original Podcast // Brought to you by HubSpot Media // Production by Arie Desormeaux // Editing by Ezra Bakker Trupiano

  • Do You Really Know Your ICP? Why It Matters and How to Find Out

    AI transcript
    0:00:05 ICP is the central nervous system of the entire customer journey.
    0:00:10 Conversion rates, expansion rates, the length of your sales cycles.
    0:00:15 If you look at those, they’re almost all telling you something about your ICP at all times.
    0:00:19 If you’re like, “We sell to everyone, we build to everyone for everyone,”
    0:00:22 maybe you’re not so on to anybody yet.
    0:00:28 It not only shows who you need to target and what you need to target the customer with,
    0:00:33 but also why the customer would need your product.
    0:00:37 Your ideal customer profile, or ICP, is the lodestar of your company.
    0:00:41 It defines who you’re building, marketing, and selling your products to.
    0:00:45 And most growth stage founders think they know who their ICP is
    0:00:47 because they found product market fit after all.
    0:00:50 I don’t know that you necessarily have found product market fit.
    0:00:55 Sometimes you just get really lucky and I call that the curse of early success.
    0:01:02 And here’s the thing: very few can define and refine their ICP well enough to keep the company focused on it as they grow.
    0:01:06 This lack of clarity can open a Pandora’s box of problems across the org.
    0:01:09 Pipeline not getting filled? Chances are it’s an ICP problem.
    0:01:12 Product roadmap stalling out? ICP problem.
    0:01:15 Marketing spend through the roof? ICP problem.
    0:01:18 You could be missing a huge market opportunity if you misidentify your ICP.
    0:01:24 In this first episode of A16Z Growth’s New Company Scaling Series, The A16Z Guide to Growth,
    0:01:29 we take a step back and explain why understanding your ICP should be a company-wide effort
    0:01:33 and why getting this right is even more important in the AI era.
    0:01:38 As soon as you have a successful product, there will absolutely be competition in the market.
    0:01:45 A16Z Growth Partner Emma Janoski sits down with Growth General Partner and former CRO of Segment, Joe Morrissey,
    0:01:52 but also A16Z Partners Michael King, who was at Gartner before building full-stack marketing teams at companies like GitHub and VMware,
    0:01:57 and Mark Reagan, who was most recently the VP of RevOps at Segment.
    0:02:03 Together, they dive into what truly makes a great ICP, including what it is, but also what it isn’t.
    0:02:08 Is it meaningfully different than the way you might talk about segmentation or a psychographic or firmographic,
    0:02:12 or is it a constellation of all of those things put together?
    0:02:20 They also tackle how you know if you’ve outgrown your existing ICP and how and when to define but also redefine it as you scale.
    0:02:25 They touch on how to make some hard decisions when you’re implementing a new ICP, like saying no to customers,
    0:02:28 and how it shows up in the business when you get it right.
    0:02:33 The first voice is Emma’s, then we have Michael, Mark, and then finally, Joe.
    0:02:35 Let’s get started.
    0:02:44 As a reminder, the content here is for informational purposes only, should not be taken as legal, business, tax, or investment advice,
    0:02:50 or be used to evaluate any investment or security, and is not directed at any investors or potential investors in any A16Z fund.
    0:02:56 Please note that A16Z and its affiliates may also maintain investments in the companies discussed in this podcast.
    0:03:03 For more details, including a link to our investments, please see A16Z.com/disclosures.
    0:03:08 Why are we talking about ICP?
    0:03:13 If I am a growth stage founder, I found product market fit.
    0:03:15 I probably know my ICP, right?
    0:03:16 I’m growing, I’m scaling.
    0:03:17 Why do I need to care about this?
    0:03:21 I don’t know that you necessarily have found product market fit.
    0:03:26 Sometimes you just get really lucky, and I call that the curse of early success.
    0:03:33 Sometimes you just have such a compelling product, or you sometimes just have such a compelling story around the product that people gravitate towards you.
    0:03:35 And you don’t necessarily have to have an ICP.
    0:03:38 You’re just selling to anybody who will come through the front door.
    0:03:40 And if that’s successful, you’re like, “Great.
    0:03:41 I’ve nailed my ICP.
    0:03:42 It’s everybody.”
    0:03:50 But when you start to refine your sales process, you start to bring in more people to sell the product, it starts being not led by a founder.
    0:03:58 When a conversation is led by a salesperson, or perhaps an SDR, or perhaps someone else like that, all of a sudden, that ICP becomes a lot more important.
    0:04:00 You’ve got to scale a marketing program.
    0:04:01 You’ve got to scale a sales team.
    0:04:03 You’ve got to scale a bunch of other things like that.
    0:04:05 All of a sudden, you’ve really got to know who you’re talking to.
    0:04:06 Why are they buying?
    0:04:07 What are they buying?
    0:04:09 How are they selling it internally?
    0:04:24 Before I came into this role, when I was an operator in the companies I had been in before in revenue operations, I don’t think I had enough respect for just to what extent the ICP is the central nervous system of the entire customer journey.
    0:04:39 Almost every KPI that everybody is familiar with today, when you think of conversion rates, expansion rates, the length of your sales cycles, any of these things that normally would signal to you, “Oh, we have a pipeline issue,” or “We need more SDRs,” and things like this.
    0:04:44 The truth is, if you look at those, they’re almost all telling you something about your ICP at all times.
    0:04:53 So, for example, there are some companies I’ve been working with over the past couple of years where, over time, they start to see declining pipeline conversion rates.
    0:04:59 And you start to circle around that and look for things you can do better tactically in that, “Well, we need a little bit better messaging here.
    0:05:04 We have this laggy process where there’s too much time where leads are in this or that queue.”
    0:05:07 And those things still could be true.
    0:05:16 But in almost every one of those cases, what you usually find is that you have your sales force often talking to the wrong people with the wrong message.
    0:05:30 And it goes all the way back to that continuous alignment and always being relevant and targeting the best possible customers and the best personas within those customers with the best messaging and relevancy around how your product is going to solve pain.
    0:05:35 And then when you get that right, all of those indicators will tell you whether you have it right or not.
    0:05:36 They’re not going to lie to you.
    0:05:41 If they’re hitting the targets you want, you’re doing a pretty good job of operationalizing your ICP.
    0:05:49 But I think that focus on the customer journey is the reason why it’s so hard to diagnose an ICP problem because you’re looking at, “Oh, I’ve got an onboarding problem.
    0:05:51 I’ve got a marketing problem.
    0:05:52 I’ve got a sales problem.”
    0:05:59 I think to your point, Mark, you’ve got to look at the entire customer journey from first touch through when they’re a million dollar customer.
    0:06:06 And if you start to see issues anywhere along the way, first make sure you’ve got your ICP correct.
    0:06:10 And then start to look at, “Okay, maybe I do have a customer support issue.”
    0:06:16 Because if your ICP is missing, you can throw a lot more dollars at marketing or change your marketing mix up or do whatever you want.
    0:06:20 And if you still got your ICP wrong, those are still going to be dollars you’ll spend.
    0:06:26 If you’re like, “We sell to everyone, we bill to everyone for everyone,” maybe you’re not selling to anybody yet.
    0:06:34 And I think the biggest downstream negative consequence is actually one where it’s missed opportunity.
    0:06:37 So the biggest risk often is opportunity cost.
    0:06:45 So when you’re chasing the wrong profile, your ideal customers might be adopting a competitor’s product or simply unaware of your solution.
    0:06:49 And so you could be missing a huge market opportunity if you misidentify your ICP.
    0:06:51 Let’s just even take a step back.
    0:06:53 What is an ICP?
    0:06:54 What counts as an ICP?
    0:06:57 What does a good ICP look like?
    0:06:59 What does a bad ICP look like?
    0:07:09 An ICP should tell you not only who you should target, but also why those customers should need you.
    0:07:17 So broadly defined, an ICP is a detailed description of the ideal set of customers for your product.
    0:07:27 And it typically should include firmographic details, behavioral traits of those companies, and it should be as narrowly defined as you can get it.
    0:07:43 A good example of that would be global B2C multinational corporations that are multi-brand, multi-product, and want to use data to go direct to consumer.
    0:07:44 Yeah.
    0:07:58 So you’re not only getting a sense of the type of company and the vertical and the industry that they’re playing in, but why they need your product, what the unique value for your product is.
    0:08:01 It’s actually got to include defensible differentiation.
    0:08:05 And so you think about what is defensible differentiation.
    0:08:06 It comes in three forms.
    0:08:08 One, there’s unique differentiation.
    0:08:15 There’s the things that your product does and the pains that your product solves that your competitors can’t.
    0:08:23 And then there’s holistic differentiation, there’s the things that your product does and your competitors’ product does, but maybe you do them better.
    0:08:25 And then there’s holistic differentiation.
    0:08:29 There’s the things about you as a company or your solution that are very different.
    0:08:36 You might be the best funded or you may have the most experience in this particular domain.
    0:08:52 And I think that is so critical in determining what your ICP is because you’ve not just got to look and identify those customers that have the biggest pain points that you can solve, but also the ones where you have the most defensible differentiation versus your competitors.
    0:08:53 I agree with you 100%.
    0:08:58 I think the more narrow you can define it at first, the better off you are.
    0:09:02 The ICP should be, I’ll call them searchable metrics.
    0:09:15 In other words, like if you define your ICP as companies that have these specific characteristics around how they think about customers and their buying patterns and things like that, how are you going to find them?
    0:09:23 But if you say it is a customer with international capabilities of a certain size and a certain dollar percentage, then you can target them from a market.
    0:09:35 Now, marketing data has gotten a lot better and customer data has gotten a lot better, but you still can’t describe in flowery language what you think this company might be feeling and thinking because you’re not going to be able to market to that, right?
    0:09:40 You’re not going to be able to find them online or at conferences or any other places, right?
    0:09:41 You need those objective qualities.
    0:09:42 You need those objective qualities.
    0:09:44 Those objective measurable qualities.
    0:09:49 I think Gong was a great example of a very, very narrow customer focus.
    0:09:56 Like they focused on B2B software companies selling, you know, at a certain amount of dollars with a certain amount of employees selling over Zoom.
    0:10:01 And it narrowed it down to, I think the number was 5,000 total companies in their ICP.
    0:10:03 And then they built from that base up.
    0:10:09 I think the customer success platform I was talking about has done a really, really good job at narrowing down.
    0:10:10 This is Pylon.
    0:10:13 And what they’ve done is they’ve done a great job at narrowing down.
    0:10:23 We sell to B2B software companies that are supporting enterprise companies with highly complex support flows and customer success teams and multiple teams involved.
    0:10:30 So I think that narrow focus early on, particularly in competitive spaces, is really, really good.
    0:10:38 I mean, I’m hearing all of this and it sounds like, yeah, you want to get pretty granular, but I think there are a lot of different ways to slice the question of who is your customer.
    0:10:46 And so does the ICP, is it meaningfully different than the way you might talk about segmentation or a psychographic or firmographic?
    0:10:50 Or is it a constellation of all of those things put together?
    0:11:04 The ICP gives you a place to focus, whereas the personas give you a who to focus on and who to build value statements for and who to market to directly and sell to directly.
    0:11:08 One is more about focusing, one’s a little bit more about building an audience.
    0:11:09 You need them both, though.
    0:11:18 So segmentation is really about identifying the groups of customers that would be interested in your product.
    0:11:23 So you could say this is SaaS companies or telco companies.
    0:11:37 ICP is much more narrow, and so you’re explicitly defining the type of company, the size of the company, the pain points that that company has, why they need your product.
    0:11:40 And then personas are something different, right?
    0:11:46 So personas are the individuals within those companies that own the pains that your product solves.
    0:11:52 That can, in many cases, influence the choice to buy your product.
    0:11:59 And very often are the folks who are actually going to make the decision to buy the product in the end.
    0:12:02 Yeah, I mean, that encapsulates a lot of how I think about it.
    0:12:06 I think your ICP has everything to do with the type of company that you’re selling to.
    0:12:14 I think your persona does have to be very, very different because the persona is oftentimes encompassing a buying circle, not a single buyer.
    0:12:17 Sometimes you have a single buyer, and that’s fine.
    0:12:22 But oftentimes you have multiple buyers or multiple stakeholders in the buying process.
    0:12:23 You have a security team.
    0:12:24 You have an IT team.
    0:12:25 You have a champion.
    0:12:26 You have users.
    0:12:28 You have influencers within that.
    0:12:31 And I think you do need to separate those two out.
    0:12:34 Is there a gut test that we could give to founders?
    0:12:37 Like, a couple questions they should ask themselves.
    0:12:39 Do you know who your ICP is?
    0:12:40 I have five questions I ask.
    0:12:41 Love it.
    0:12:42 Let’s hear them.
    0:12:47 So the first one is, which of your current customers makes the most out of your products and services?
    0:12:48 Who uses it the most?
    0:12:50 Who are your best users, your biggest users?
    0:12:53 What traits do those customers have in common?
    0:12:59 What reoccurring objections do you see when you lose an opportunity or when people churn?
    0:13:02 Which customers are the easiest to upsell and why?
    0:13:07 And what do the customers of your closest competitors have in common?
    0:13:12 If they can answer all of those questions, then they typically will know their ICP very, very well.
    0:13:17 Now, again, I have a list if they can answer all the questions, company size, industries,
    0:13:22 have problems, company specifics, unique buying behaviors, type of business, all those types of things.
    0:13:24 They can answer all those, then they’ve got that.
    0:13:29 If they can’t, they’ll use those first five questions to find out what the ICP is.
    0:13:30 That’s a great framework.
    0:13:38 And I think it also alludes to one of the challenges you have when you’re working with startup companies or when you’re in a startup,
    0:13:45 when a lot of what you’re trying to do there is you’re taking your best educated guesses at the answers to all those questions, right?
    0:13:50 And it is something at first where you just don’t have a lot of feedback in the market.
    0:13:52 You still don’t have a lot of customers yet.
    0:14:12 You don’t have a lot of signals from all the different segments, the geographies, the individual personas, especially the earlier stage that we run into because you want to go as broad as possible because you’re trying to actually explore that product market fit that you have and start to express your growth in a bunch of different directions through that.
    0:14:18 And you don’t want to bargain against yourself by becoming too precise too early.
    0:14:24 However, I think if we’re all being honest with ourselves, usually focus is the problem, right?
    0:14:43 It is usually the case that if you went and arbitrarily picked five different companies and looked at the way they are defining their ICP and going to market and operationalizing that ICP, they’re nearly always not as focused as they could be and thus not nearly as effective as they could be exploiting that.
    0:15:12 And what happens over time is you have the ability to gather those and harness those and start to create a feedback loop that allows you to answer Michael’s questions, both in terms of the things you know and the things you believe as hopefully a leader in your space, but also due to what’s coming back from the interactions your sales force is having with prospects, what your customer success managers are having with your customers, which customers are expanding and why.
    0:15:19 Why you have all of these signals out there that you can start to harness and bring into the answers to the questions in that framework.
    0:15:25 Yeah, I think this is actually a pitch why you need a strong RevOps practice in your organization early.
    0:15:33 And again, this is maybe a pitch for you, Mark, but I think you do need to have it because otherwise you’re taking the few customer conversations that you’ve had and that’s providing bias.
    0:15:44 You need a standardized methodology of looking at these interrogating these and applying the right amount of recency bias to the organizations that you are interacting with most regularly.
    0:15:49 I love, Mark, you were saying this is kind of like the central nervous system of your whole org.
    0:15:53 The word that occurred to me was root cause of a lot of issues, right?
    0:15:56 But if it’s so important, who’s responsible for defining it?
    0:15:59 I think it’s really a company-wide responsibility, right?
    0:16:04 I think in the early stages, for sure, it’s got to come from the founders, right?
    0:16:08 And so there are kind of different stages of finding ICP.
    0:16:17 So I would say pre-product market fit, you’ve actually got to be pretty open-minded about what ICP will end up looking for because you haven’t found it yet.
    0:16:26 But once you have hit product market fit, I think it’s really incumbent on the founders to pay close attention to how they think this is going to evolve.
    0:16:30 And then throughout the company’s journey, there are a couple of inflection points.
    0:16:40 Certainly when you move from founder-led sales to a more repeatable motion, typically like around the series A, then you’re bringing in a sales team and it’s scaling, right?
    0:16:48 And so you start to see sales leaders become very closely involved in defining and refining the ICP.
    0:16:54 As you’re moving up market or down market, that has a massive impact on how your ICP changes.
    0:17:04 Just ultimately, I think you very often see the responsibility for ICP, at least the growth stage, being shared at the executive team level.
    0:17:05 I’d agree with that.
    0:17:11 I think everybody has to own it, if you will, and everybody should have input to it.
    0:17:14 Your sales team, they’re looking at six to 12 months.
    0:17:17 The marketing team, they’re looking at 18 to 24 months.
    0:17:18 Your product team, they’re looking at…
    0:17:22 So I think the different kind of viewpoints are important to bring to the table.
    0:17:27 But each of them are going to have input to that ICP.
    0:17:33 And your customer success team is going to have all historical data of which customers have been successful, which have not, which have churned off, all those things like that.
    0:17:40 And so again, that refinement process is going to occur if you continue to ask questions.
    0:17:42 Well, why are these customers successful?
    0:17:44 Well, how does the product service these?
    0:17:45 To steal Joe’s line.
    0:17:48 You keep asking why until you get to the root of the problem.
    0:17:58 The other thing I would look at, and I think one of the rough sketches that I’ll do, is when I’ll put together an ICP, I’ll take a look at the TAM of that ICP.
    0:18:03 And I’ll understand what is my fair percentage, what is my unfair percentage.
    0:18:08 And if I’m capturing an unfair percentage of that TAM, then I know that’s probably a really good ICP for me.
    0:18:16 If I’m unable to capture even my fair share, then maybe there’s not really good alignment between my use cases and that particular ICP.
    0:18:19 Wait, and how would you be able to tell what percentage you can capture?
    0:18:23 Is it because of the alignment of use cases with their pain points?
    0:18:26 Correct. Use cases with their pain points and what the total TAM is, right?
    0:18:30 And if you’re like, hey, if I’m alone in this market, then I should be able to win 80% of my deals on it.
    0:18:34 If I’m one of four players, then, you know, maybe I should get 25% of that marketplace.
    0:18:41 I’m wondering about the sort of product intuition, vision and mission here, which is kind of an X factor, right?
    0:18:46 Where I can imagine founders getting a bunch of data saying like, this should be our ICP.
    0:18:50 And founders thinking, that’s not really what I’m building or like, that’s not really what my mission is.
    0:18:59 And so I’m curious if any of you have seen companies that have maybe gotten some data back and thought, actually, that’s not what I really want to build.
    0:19:02 And I’ve gone on to do something else and been successful.
    0:19:07 I’ve seen the opposite thing. I worked with a founder who was from the security world.
    0:19:10 And they were building what they thought was a security product.
    0:19:16 And they built it and they talked to a number of security buyers and none of the security buyers bit on it.
    0:19:21 But what they noticed is that every single time they had a conversation with a security buyer, they brought in a platform ops people.
    0:19:25 They brought in basically the platform operations people to either validate or have the conversation.
    0:19:31 And eventually, after a couple of these conversations, the founder and I were talking and he said, you know,
    0:19:34 I don’t think I’m building a security product. I think I’m building a DevOps product.
    0:19:37 And we went through it and we said, well, who’s going to benefit from it? Who’s going to use it?
    0:19:42 So I’ve seen that opposite problem where the product intuition and their history took them one direction.
    0:19:47 But in reality, the customer feedback took them to the right ICP eventually.
    0:19:52 What’s the outcome from an ICP exercise? Does your ICP fit on one page of a Google Doc?
    0:19:58 They go through, Michael, they ask some of your questions, they work backwards from existing customer data.
    0:20:00 What’s the thing everybody creates?
    0:20:15 In my opinion, the ICP is a list of qualities and differentiators and firmographic and typographic information that then your marketing team, your sales team, your product team can all action on.
    0:20:18 Should be probably less than a page in my opinion.
    0:20:31 I think that’s right. It not only shows you who you need to target and what you need to target the customer with, but also why the customer would need your product specifically.
    0:20:41 And who owns the pain within those organizations, as Michael said before, who are the champions, who are the influencers, who are the economic buyers.
    0:20:48 And as the RevOps guy, I’m going to say that it is having the data and technology to support that, right?
    0:21:03 There are a lot of very good companies that will work with people like Michael or have people like Michael and they put together this pristine, amazing, elegant ICP on slides and it’s great, right?
    0:21:05 And that’s definitely part of it.
    0:21:23 But how are you pulling information back into the process that the people in your marketing organization and your product organization and your sales enablement organization, et cetera, how are you getting all that information and then making that part of the way you’re defining your ICP?
    0:21:28 There are a lot of companies that aren’t doing that very well and they’re still operating from theory.
    0:21:39 And what they’ll find is they will eventually fall out of alignment with the market and they will see all these leading indicators that start to tell them that’s the issue.
    0:21:46 And it’s because they’re still operating from a position of a little too much hubris and a little too much of an echo chamber.
    0:21:48 I kind of want to throw out some examples.
    0:21:53 I’m thinking of ICPs in the context of a company like OpenAI.
    0:21:54 Do they have an ICP?
    0:21:56 It’s ChatGPT all the way down.
    0:21:57 It’s ChatGPT and you’ve got some APIs.
    0:22:03 It’s the same product regardless if you’re a consumer or you’re working in the enterprise.
    0:22:11 And I’m wondering if with this sort of new generation of products coming out, is the idea of an ICP still useful?
    0:22:16 Make no mistake, those companies are also doing what we’re talking about here internally.
    0:22:26 Obviously, if you are in the AI space right now and you are selling generative AI platforms and large language models and things like that, it’s a good time, right?
    0:22:42 But you still need some way to be able to distribute and go after your market in a way that is prioritized like that in order to practically have all these great things like great conversion rates and expansion rates.
    0:22:54 All these kind of lagging indicators that tell you you’re selling it and expand the market well, but are also leading indicators that are truly indicative of how well you’ve set up your ICP and operationalized it.
    0:23:03 Yeah, I think if you have a product that has no competitors and is a brand new product and is an incredibly effective product.
    0:23:06 And I mean, that was the early open AI days, right?
    0:23:07 I think absolutely.
    0:23:09 I mean, do you have to do it?
    0:23:12 No, you’re kind of like, look, the product trumps all.
    0:23:19 But the problem with that is that as soon as you have a successful product, there will absolutely be competition in the market.
    0:23:32 And so you will have to eventually, even if you don’t do it at the very, very beginning, like you will have to segment the market, you will have to find your use cases, you will have to find the ICPs for those use cases, all of those pieces like that.
    0:23:42 So you may see early success in a pure, like we’ve got the very best product out there and everybody’s just going to use this product, but that will not last.
    0:23:45 It never has, at least in the 28 years that I’ve been doing this.
    0:23:49 Like, as soon as you have a rockin’ product that’s selling well, guess what?
    0:23:50 You have competition.
    0:23:51 Totally.
    0:23:53 The rubber meets the road eventually, right?
    0:23:55 And you’ve got to figure out ways to sustainable growth.
    0:23:58 No, I think that sustainable growth is the piece right there.
    0:24:04 Like, you can get to one place, but in order to grow from that one place, you’ve got to double down on these best practices.
    0:24:17 I think when you’re in the growth stages, maybe you’ve got the elusive product market fit for one kind of customer, but you need to, for platform companies, serve multiple personas with an org, or maybe you want to go a little more vertical.
    0:24:24 And so how do you balance that question as you’re scaling, needing to find more customers?
    0:24:25 Do you want to go more vertical?
    0:24:27 Do you want to go more horizontal?
    0:24:37 Eleven Labs is a great example of this, where they are selling an excellent platform, which can appeal to a lot of different potential buyer groups.
    0:24:47 They’ve defined over a dozen different cuts of their ICP, but they are very clear on which ones they are most focused on right now.
    0:24:48 And what that really means, right?
    0:24:49 And what that really means, right?
    0:25:01 How they are thinking about product innovation, building content, target accounts that they are assigning out to their sellers, where they’re putting salespeople geographically.
    0:25:19 Even if they have ICPs that they know really well and they’re reporting on that data, they might have those, comparatively speaking, deprioritized in order to remain focused, but still have an approach to those companies that are a little bit more out on the fringe of their capabilities.
    0:25:31 And the other point about this is, they’re also a very good example of a company that is clearly listening to customers on how mature their product is in certain areas.
    0:25:33 And they’re not overselling past that.
    0:25:56 They’re being really careful about making sure that the ICPs that they’ve targeted are where they know their product is going to be an absolute grand slam versus the areas where they plan to go to and they have some capabilities, but they know that they still need to develop it out a little further there before they really go hard at that particular area.
    0:26:01 So they have a sort of stack ranked ICPs, it sounds like.
    0:26:07 The group of companies that they know, this is a slam dunk, I can like really go long on solving this use case.
    0:26:15 But then it sounds like maybe it’s opportunistic ICPs, places where they can expand and that they know, yeah, we can build into that.
    0:26:20 And I would even add really good focus is more of an exercise in stratification.
    0:26:28 It’s the way you’re segmenting the market and the best possible companies is this small circle.
    0:26:37 That is where we’re going to be hyper focused because we know we get tremendous yield, expansion, just great things happen there in the center of that.
    0:26:52 Then it’s these concentric circles out of that, where you have others that are still very good fits, but they are maybe not as quick to expand or a little bit more of a grind to actually convert those into customers, they expand a little more slowly.
    0:26:56 And then you eventually fall out into lesser and lesser fit.
    0:26:59 And it’s like proceed with caution on some of these over here, right?
    0:27:00 Right.
    0:27:05 So it’s a very prudent way to go about it, very mature way to go about it, where you know you’re going to go there.
    0:27:10 But at the moment, you’re being careful because you want to be responsible in the market and the way you’re growing.
    0:27:14 You want to be able to make sure your product is doing the things you say it’s going to do and that you’re meeting commitments.
    0:27:22 Because if you do that really well, then those ICPs will be absolutely open and ready for you as your product evolves towards that.
    0:27:25 Michael, I feel like this is entirely in your wheelhouse.
    0:27:28 I feel like this is what you do day in and day out.
    0:27:29 That’s exactly it.
    0:27:35 I mean, I think no matter how general the tool is, you have to narrow your marketing and sales efforts.
    0:27:47 And I think focusing down on those use cases and those ICPs gives you an ability to spend marketing dollars in the right place, spend sales efforts in the right places, supporting the right customers.
    0:27:52 And sometimes at the same time, like not support, not market to, not sell to other customers.
    0:27:58 It’s really hard when someone waves a handful of cash and says, I want to buy your product, but you’re not my ICP.
    0:28:00 It’s really hard to say no to that.
    0:28:05 But sometimes I think you need to say no to that because you can get pulled off track with customer requirements.
    0:28:14 You can get pulled off track with a customer sales effort that’s going to lead you down what might be a cash rich place, but not necessarily a strategy rich place.
    0:28:21 In other words, it won’t necessarily net you the next customer and the customer after that and the customer after that, which is way more important than the one customer you just landed.
    0:28:27 I think we’ve talked a lot about use cases and focusing on the pain point or problem that you solve.
    0:28:36 But what I want to figure out and we started talking about this when Michael was like, yeah, this is why you got to have a great RevOps program is let’s say you get this ICP.
    0:28:42 How do you know whether it’s working and how often do you need to continue refining it?
    0:28:46 ICP is definitely not a set and forget thing, right?
    0:28:47 It does evolve over time.
    0:28:53 It certainly evolves when you go from founder led sales into repeatable into scaling up.
    0:28:58 And very often that happens when you’re moving market segment.
    0:29:04 So many companies start out in SMB, they move to mid market, they then move to enterprise.
    0:29:06 The ICP needs to change.
    0:29:08 They expand geographically.
    0:29:11 The ICP may be different in different markets.
    0:29:14 Pricing and packaging changes happen.
    0:29:19 Competitive pressures and external events in the market impact ICP.
    0:29:21 So it does evolve over time.
    0:29:27 For me, at least the critical thing is you’ve got to create a very tight feedback loop with the market.
    0:29:32 So there needs to be a tight feedback loop between sales and product.
    0:29:44 And I think it’s also super critical that founders, CEOs, executives at every level, customer success, product management, engineering, that they’re also out in front of customers.
    0:29:53 That they’re listening to customers, they’re engaging with customers, they’re understanding how they’re using the product, where the gaps are, where they want to go next.
    0:29:58 Because that’s super important as you sort of evolve the product roadmap over time.
    0:30:00 And then everything else follows from that.
    0:30:04 So therein lies the problem with ICPs in the real world.
    0:30:09 There is a constant evolution out there in terms of buyer interests and the nature of the problems that they have.
    0:30:11 Your competitors are constantly changing.
    0:30:21 Everybody you compete with is trying to do the same thing you’re doing, which is get better and better at all of these things like their conversion rates, expansion rates, and all these other good signals that tell you’re doing a good job.
    0:30:30 Joe and I went through this experience when we first joined Segment, for instance, where you go and you have this big project of setting the market.
    0:30:36 three, six months later, that has started to lose precision, right?
    0:30:39 It’s not practical to run these projects constantly, though.
    0:30:45 And so the challenge has been, how do you do it where you have a practical feedback loop and practical revision of that?
    0:30:54 You’re not continuously just thrashing your sales force with new pivots in the way that they’re supposed to be selling and talking to the things.
    0:30:57 And hey, you know what, these were the accounts we assigned you in your territory.
    0:31:01 We’re going to continuously change that every couple of weeks because of the ICP.
    0:31:04 No one’s going to like that, right?
    0:31:08 I do think there are indicators when you nail an ICP.
    0:31:12 I mean, I think you start to see the cost of your CPLs go down.
    0:31:15 I think you start to see your sales efficiency go up.
    0:31:17 You start to see higher renewals.
    0:31:22 You start to see those indications that you’ve got it right.
    0:31:24 I agree with Mark, though, 100 percent on this.
    0:31:25 You can’t flip flop it.
    0:31:31 What I tell folks all the time is with messaging and with targeting, like the minute you’re getting sick of it, you’ve got to double down on it, right?
    0:31:34 Oh, I was going to say, what’s the threshold? Yeah.
    0:31:35 Yeah, yeah.
    0:31:46 So when you’re getting sick of hearing your same messaging or you’re getting sick of being focused on the same customers, that means it’s time to double down on it because it takes the customers a lot longer to input the messaging.
    0:31:49 It takes the customers a lot longer to understand the use cases.
    0:31:52 It takes them a lot longer than it takes you because you’re living in it day and day.
    0:31:57 Tell us to founders all the time, like you think about your product 24 out of the 24 hours of the day.
    0:32:01 Your customer thinks about your product maybe 10, 15 minutes a quarter.
    0:32:04 You just got to keep hammering it and hammering it.
    0:32:09 I think what actually is really interesting to me, though, is how is this going to change now in the era of AI?
    0:32:14 Fundamentally, the question of what is our ideal customer is a perpetual strategic one.
    0:32:23 But AI, I think, actually offers huge promise to be able to continually evolve that and really micro segment ICPs.
    0:32:36 So you think about ICP evolving from a static document into a living data powered model that lives in your CRM where you can do continuous refinement on it.
    0:32:43 It helps you discover better ICPs, but you still need to make decisions on where you steer the business.
    0:32:52 And then ultimately, founders and executive teams are going to have to make decisions on where they invest and then how much they invest.
    0:33:05 The companies that I’m working with right now are plotting these AI based roadmaps, instrumenting the central nervous system with all of this signal detection that gets pulled back in to both product and marketing,
    0:33:20 which then gets almost immediately disseminated into the materials that are being created, the sales enablement that’s going on, the way that you can go and present the next accounts to call on as a rep, who to talk to, what to talk to them about.
    0:33:30 And the revolution that’s coming with this is a matter of being able to do this very, very quickly and very, very precisely, continuously.
    0:33:36 And we’re going to be wondering, well, why didn’t everybody do this? And the truth is, it’s available to all of them, but it’s a mindset.
    0:33:43 It is definitely the culture of your organization that’s going to determine if you’re able to take advantage of it with those new capabilities there.
    0:33:54 If you take AI out of the picture again and go back to the companies that have been doing this, the best companies that have done this best for years, they are tremendously well aligned across marketing and product and sales and customer success.
    0:34:06 It’s an amazing, just cohesive approach to how to think about the ICP, how to innovate your product in that direction, how to go and prospect and sell and expand your customers usage.
    0:34:11 If you have that mindset and you’re willing to put in the work, you could be really good at this.
    0:34:17 The piece that people have been doing already is the actual collecting of this information, right?
    0:34:41 So whether it’s like gong calls or the precision in which you can measure your marketing spend and your marketing effectiveness and everything else like that, or the customer success platforms that are recording all of the information, all of those information sources gives you the raw materials for an AI to come in or to an AI products to come in and really understand what is successful throughout the entire customer journey.
    0:34:48 I think we’ve done a great job as an industry, collecting all this information and unfortunately it’s lived in silos or individual people.
    0:34:53 But I think we now have the opportunity with AI, what does AI do really, really well? Large pattern recognition.
    0:34:58 So across the entire customer journey, understanding where your ICPs are landing and where they’re not.
    0:34:59 That’s exciting to me.
    0:35:01 As a marketer, I get really fired up about that.
    0:35:15 I love that because the sheer amount of data collection feels perhaps unique to the moment, but the decision to relentlessly collect, pursue, analyze and operationalize the data has been around for ages.
    0:35:24 All right, that is all for today. If you did make it this far, first of all, thank you.
    0:35:32 We put a lot of thought into each of these episodes, whether it’s guests, the calendar Tetris, the cycles with our amazing editor, Tommy, until the music is just right.
    0:35:41 So if you like what we’ve put together, consider dropping us a line at ratethispodcast.com/a16z and let us know what your favorite episode is.
    0:35:44 It’ll make my day and I’m sure Tommy’s too.
    0:35:46 We’ll catch you on the flip side.

    Your ideal customer profile (ICP) is the north star for your entire company: it determines who you’re building for and selling to. Though most growth-stage founders think they know who their ICP is, very few know how to update and refine it to keep the company focused as they grow—which can lead to a lot of headaches down the road.

    In this debut episode of a16z Growth’s new company scaling podcast, the a16z Guide to Growth, a16z’s Joe Morrissey (General Partner, a16z Growth), Michael King (Partner, Go-to-Market Network), and Mark Regan (Partner, a16z Growth) break down why ICP misalignment is often the hidden cause of common problems across the entire company, from pipeline gaps and bloated marketing spend to stalled product roadmaps—and dive deep on how to fix it.

    They offer tactical advice for defining (and refining!) your ICP as you scale, explain why getting it right requires company-wide alignment, and how to navigate the “precision paradox” when implementing it. Plus, why ICPs matter even more in the AI era, and how a well-executed ICP shows up across the business when it’s working.

     

    Resources: 

    Read more on sales and go-to-market on our Growth Content Compendium

    Find Joe on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/morrisseyjoe/

    Find Mark on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mregan178/

    Find Michael on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/michael-king-62258/

    Find Emma on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/emmajanaskie/

     

    Stay Updated: 

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    Please note that the content here is for informational purposes only; should NOT be taken as legal, business, tax, or investment advice or be used to evaluate any investment or security; and is not directed at any investors or potential investors in any a16z fund. a16z and its affiliates may maintain investments in the companies discussed. For more details please see a16z.com/disclosures.

  • Lifestyle Arbitrage, Balancing Ambition and Relationships, and What Gives Scott Hope

    AI transcript
    0:00:02 Support for Prop 3 comes from Viori.
    0:00:04 Oh my God, true story.
    0:00:08 I am wearing, totally coincidentally, guess what?
    0:00:09 Viori shorts.
    0:00:12 Viori’s high quality gym clothes are made to be versatile
    0:00:14 and stand the test of time.
    0:00:17 They sent me some to try out and here I am.
    0:00:20 For our listeners, Viori is offering 20% off
    0:00:21 your first purchase.
    0:00:24 Plus, you have free shipping on any US orders
    0:00:26 over $75 in free returns.
    0:00:27 Get yourself some of the most comfortable
    0:00:30 and versatile clothing on the planet.
    0:00:31 Viori.com slash Prop G.
    0:00:35 That’s V-U-O-R-I dot com slash Prop G.
    0:00:37 Exclusions apply.
    0:00:40 Visit the website for full terms and conditions.
    0:00:50 Finding your personal style isn’t easy
    0:00:52 and the fashion powers that be
    0:00:54 aren’t making it any easier on us.
    0:00:56 The best way to make sure they move a lot of units
    0:01:01 is to make stuff that is, to put it indelicately,
    0:01:01 sort of boring.
    0:01:03 This week on Explain It To Me,
    0:01:05 how to cut through the noise
    0:01:07 and make sense of your own fashion sense.
    0:01:09 New episodes every Sunday morning,
    0:01:11 wherever you get your podcasts.
    0:01:17 People of many different ideologies,
    0:01:18 when taken to the extreme,
    0:01:20 actually start to resemble each other.
    0:01:23 Although you might be feeling like you’re fighting
    0:01:24 for completely different missions,
    0:01:28 you’re psychologically engaged in a very similar process.
    0:01:30 So what is that process?
    0:01:33 This week on The Gray Area,
    0:01:36 we’re talking about how our psychology
    0:01:37 affects our ideology.
    0:01:41 New episodes of The Gray Area drop every Monday,
    0:01:42 everywhere.
    0:01:48 Welcome to Office Hours with Prof. G.
    0:01:49 This is the part of the show
    0:01:50 where we answer your questions
    0:01:52 about business, big tech, entrepreneurship,
    0:01:53 and whatever else is on your mind.
    0:01:56 Today, we’ve got two great listener questions lined up,
    0:01:57 and then after the break,
    0:01:59 we’ve got the Reddit hotline,
    0:02:01 where we pull questions straight from Reddit.
    0:02:04 If you’d like to submit a question for next time,
    0:02:05 you can send a voice recording
    0:02:06 to officehourswithprofgmedia.com,
    0:02:08 or if you prefer to ask on Reddit,
    0:02:11 post your question on the Scott Gallery subreddit,
    0:02:14 and we just might feature it in our next episode.
    0:02:15 First question.
    0:02:19 Hi, Prof. G.
    0:02:21 I’m a solopreneur in my late 30s,
    0:02:23 running a modestly successful online business.
    0:02:26 My partner and I have deep ties in the U.S.,
    0:02:28 but work independently and could live anywhere.
    0:02:30 As we consider having kids
    0:02:32 and the life we would want them to have,
    0:02:34 we also discuss moving abroad for three main reasons.
    0:02:36 Lifestyle arbitrage,
    0:02:38 a more supportive environment for children,
    0:02:41 and as a hedge against U.S. instability.
    0:02:42 Given your recent thoughts
    0:02:44 on diversifying your investments globally
    0:02:47 and your current residency in the U.K.,
    0:02:48 do you think younger Americans
    0:02:51 should be diversifying their residency options
    0:02:51 when possible?
    0:02:54 If so, which countries would you look into
    0:02:57 that still offer some of the economic opportunities
    0:02:58 that the U.S. currently does?
    0:03:00 Thanks for all the great content and advice.
    0:03:02 I love this question.
    0:03:04 According to a Harris poll released in March,
    0:03:06 roughly 40% of Americans have considered
    0:03:08 or are actively planning to move abroad.
    0:03:09 The number one reason?
    0:03:10 Cost of living.
    0:03:12 More than half of Americans say they believe
    0:03:14 they’d have a higher quality of life abroad.
    0:03:16 Among those that planned on leaving,
    0:03:20 their top choice destinations were Canada,
    0:03:21 the U.K., and Australia.
    0:03:23 As for non-English-speaking countries,
    0:03:25 Americans indicated they were eyeing moves
    0:03:27 to countries including France, Italy, Japan,
    0:03:28 Mexico, Spain, and Germany.
    0:03:30 Countries ranked among the most receptive
    0:03:33 to digital nomads are Spain,
    0:03:35 the UAE, Montenegro, and the Bahamas.
    0:03:39 Okay, so in sum, I love a lifestyle arbitrage.
    0:03:40 And you want to lean into your strengths.
    0:03:42 And if your strengths are you have a career
    0:03:44 that is not location-dependent
    0:03:45 or geographically dependent,
    0:03:48 then you want to do the lifestyle arbitrage.
    0:03:52 The key is to make a urban city-like salary
    0:03:55 without having urban city-like costs
    0:03:56 unless you’re in love with cities.
    0:03:58 And then, okay, some people,
    0:03:59 I know some people who are like,
    0:04:01 I am leaving New York feet first.
    0:04:02 And I don’t care what it costs.
    0:04:04 I don’t care what sacrifices I have to make.
    0:04:06 Most people, by the time they have kids in New York,
    0:04:09 peace out because it just gets prohibitively expensive.
    0:04:12 And the lifestyle is just tough.
    0:04:13 I remember walking around with my boys in Manhattan
    0:04:15 and thinking I always had to have their hands
    0:04:17 for fear they’d run out into the middle of traffic.
    0:04:20 So 100%, I would say,
    0:04:22 really be thoughtful about the lifestyle arbitrage.
    0:04:25 My general assumption or general reductive analysis
    0:04:27 after having molested the earth for the last 30 years
    0:04:29 is that America is the best place to make money
    0:04:31 and Europe is the best place to spend it.
    0:04:32 So if you can make an American salary and live in Europe,
    0:04:34 that’s a decent arbitrage.
    0:04:37 Also think about different places in the U.S.
    0:04:40 And that is there’s a lot of cities in the South,
    0:04:41 quite frankly, that I think are just a great,
    0:04:45 so for me, arbitrage is one,
    0:04:47 I think college towns are great arbitrages,
    0:04:50 whether it’s Charlottesville or Ann Arbor or Chapel Hill.
    0:04:53 These cities typically, if you can call them cities or towns,
    0:04:54 typically bring this great peanut butter
    0:04:57 and chocolate combination of a bourbon sensibility
    0:05:00 with rural beauty and hopefully rural pricing.
    0:05:02 And you can have a great quality of life in a college town.
    0:05:05 I also think there’s a lot of cities in the South right now
    0:05:07 that offer what I think is a great lifestyle arbitrage,
    0:05:08 specifically the weather,
    0:05:11 that aren’t as expensive as some of the blue cities
    0:05:13 in the North.
    0:05:15 In some, if you were to look at migration patterns in the U.S.,
    0:05:18 it’s driven by two things, low taxes and sunshine.
    0:05:21 And I would also think about, you know,
    0:05:23 think about this a lot, but the tax arbitrage.
    0:05:25 By moving to Florida from New York,
    0:05:27 and you have to move, you can’t fake it.
    0:05:29 You have to spend 183 days there and enroll your kids there.
    0:05:30 You really, you can’t fake it.
    0:05:31 You legitimately have to move.
    0:05:34 The 13% swing, I reinvested purposely
    0:05:37 that entire 13% over 10 years,
    0:05:38 and it helps have a bull market.
    0:05:43 But basically, you know, my cars, my housing,
    0:05:45 my kids’ school were paid for in that tax swing
    0:05:46 because I make really good money,
    0:05:48 but a lot of it was current income,
    0:05:50 so 13% of that, then you invest it.
    0:05:52 If you make $300,000,
    0:05:53 you’re not saving $39,000.
    0:05:56 You’re saving, you have $39,000 in capital
    0:05:59 that should grow to 78 or 100, 150 10 years on.
    0:06:01 And you do that every year, you wake up,
    0:06:04 and you might have seven figures in additional wealth
    0:06:06 that you didn’t have had you not moved.
    0:06:07 So I love a lifestyle arbitrage.
    0:06:09 Some cities that I think
    0:06:12 offer incredible lifestyle arbitrages at the moment.
    0:06:14 By the way, it used to be Florida.
    0:06:15 When I moved to Delray Beach,
    0:06:18 our first home that we rented there
    0:06:19 was on the water, on the intracoastal,
    0:06:21 and cost us $4,500 a month.
    0:06:24 It no longer costs $4,500 a month.
    0:06:25 Word is out about Florida.
    0:06:27 That lifestyle arbitrage has been starched out
    0:06:29 as they usually are starched out.
    0:06:31 Some cities I would consider.
    0:06:35 If you were single and male,
    0:06:37 I would think about Cape Town.
    0:06:40 I think the crime there is a factor.
    0:06:43 But if you can make a Western salary in Cape Town,
    0:06:45 you’re just gonna have an extraordinary quality of life.
    0:06:47 I love Cape Town.
    0:06:49 I’ve been there several times now.
    0:06:51 And I can’t get over how good the food is,
    0:06:52 how deep the culture is,
    0:06:54 and how inexpensive everything is.
    0:06:55 Now, crime is an issue.
    0:06:58 So I wonder if it’s a place for a family.
    0:07:00 I’m sure other people will weigh in.
    0:07:02 But I think in terms of just pure raw beauty,
    0:07:05 colliding with an incredible city
    0:07:06 and incredible food, incredible culture
    0:07:08 at an incredibly low cost,
    0:07:09 that is really hard to beat.
    0:07:12 Madrid, or somewhere in Spain.
    0:07:14 I just think the Spanish get it
    0:07:16 in terms of being able to get a great bottle of wine
    0:07:19 for $8, walking around fairly safe,
    0:07:21 incredible culture, history,
    0:07:24 proximity to other great cities in Europe.
    0:07:26 I think Spain offers an incredible lifestyle arbitrage
    0:07:27 and pretty good weather.
    0:07:30 The other city I would consider is Mexico City.
    0:07:32 And I’m assuming it kind of likes cities.
    0:07:34 Maybe you just want to do a rural arbitrage.
    0:07:36 By the way, move everywhere but Connecticut
    0:07:38 or some suburb or Tiburon where it’s beautiful,
    0:07:40 but it’s the same.
    0:07:42 I’ve never understood anyone that lives in the Northeast
    0:07:43 and doesn’t live in Manhattan.
    0:07:44 I just don’t get it.
    0:07:46 It’s like all the cold, all the bullshit,
    0:07:48 and all the taxes and expenses.
    0:07:49 If you’re going to live in the forest somewhere,
    0:07:52 move to a place with low taxes
    0:07:54 and low rent and low housing costs and good schools.
    0:07:55 Anyway, it’s not easy to find.
    0:07:58 But I think Mexico City right now
    0:07:59 is an incredible lifestyle arbitrage.
    0:08:00 It’s safer than people think.
    0:08:02 The food’s amazing, great art scene,
    0:08:05 and I would say kind of 30 to 60% of the price
    0:08:06 of, say, Los Angeles.
    0:08:10 I think it’s a fantastic strategy,
    0:08:11 a lifestyle arbitrage strategy.
    0:08:13 Jesus Christ, Floripa.
    0:08:16 I think Sao Paulo is incredible right now.
    0:08:19 I think there’s just a ton of really interesting cities
    0:08:22 that are coming up and offer somebody with nomad
    0:08:25 or digital nomad skills the ability to arbitrage.
    0:08:28 Even a place like Tokyo with the yen as weak as it is right now,
    0:08:30 if you like that culture,
    0:08:32 Tokyo is the most different yet the most sane place,
    0:08:35 and that is it’s capitalist, it’s democratic,
    0:08:37 incredibly safe, incredibly…
    0:08:39 The thing that struck me also, though,
    0:08:41 it’s so similar in terms of their systems and democracy,
    0:08:42 their rights,
    0:08:44 their focus on capitalism growth,
    0:08:46 but it’s also the place that’s most similar
    0:08:47 while being the most different.
    0:08:49 I went to what is their Times Square,
    0:08:51 and it’s entirely quiet.
    0:08:53 Everyone’s just so respectful and so quiet,
    0:08:55 and no one jaywalks,
    0:08:56 and the food’s incredible,
    0:08:58 and the relentless pursuit of perfection
    0:08:59 is a tagline for Lexus,
    0:09:01 but it should be a tagline for Japan
    0:09:02 because everything they do,
    0:09:04 they take such pride in the symmetry
    0:09:07 and the design and the beauty of everything.
    0:09:09 So if you really wanted something
    0:09:10 a bit off the beaten path,
    0:09:11 another great city in Asia, Bangkok.
    0:09:13 Oh, my God.
    0:09:15 What a cosmopolitan city with great food, great people.
    0:09:18 And again, I would bet about a third of the cost
    0:09:20 of living in an L.A. or New York.
    0:09:20 So where do you move?
    0:09:21 No, that’s not the question.
    0:09:23 The question is where do you not move?
    0:09:26 I would look at time zones as it relates to your work,
    0:09:28 where you think you can find human capital
    0:09:29 to scale your business,
    0:09:31 where your partner’s excited about moving,
    0:09:33 if you’re planning on having kids,
    0:09:34 where you can find a decent education,
    0:09:37 proximity to the people you love
    0:09:38 in terms of direct flights,
    0:09:40 and where you want to kind of explore and adventure.
    0:09:42 Some people are more cut out for Europe.
    0:09:43 Some people are more cut out for Asia.
    0:09:45 Some people like to be more adventurous,
    0:09:47 a place like Latin America or South Africa.
    0:09:48 But my brother,
    0:09:50 this is what you call a good problem.
    0:09:52 A good problem.
    0:09:54 Email us and let us know what you decide.
    0:09:56 Thanks so much for the question.
    0:09:57 Question number two.
    0:09:59 Hey, Scott.
    0:10:01 I’ve been struggling with your perspective on work-life balance,
    0:10:03 or the lack thereof,
    0:10:04 in your 20s and 30s.
    0:10:08 You often frame those years as a time for relentless ambition,
    0:10:10 even at the cost of relationships,
    0:10:11 health,
    0:10:13 and personal well-being.
    0:10:17 I’m particularly curious about how you discuss your first marriage.
    0:10:21 You emphasize that meaningful relationships are the key to happiness,
    0:10:26 yet also seem to suggest that sacrificing them is necessary for success.
    0:10:29 That feels like a contradiction, no?
    0:10:32 If you could go back,
    0:10:34 would you do anything differently to preserve those relationships?
    0:10:37 For context, I’m 28,
    0:10:39 putting everything into a new business,
    0:10:42 and dating an incredible woman I hope to spend my life with.
    0:10:45 Should I expect to lose my partner
    0:10:47 and friends to succeed,
    0:10:49 or is there a better way?
    0:10:51 Thanks for your time
    0:10:53 and for the impact you have on young men like me.
    0:10:55 Thanks for the question.
    0:10:56 You sound awfully serious.
    0:10:58 So first off,
    0:10:59 I can’t blame
    0:11:02 the dissolution of my first marriage
    0:11:03 on my ambition or my career.
    0:11:06 I say that my
    0:11:08 relentless focus on work
    0:11:09 took a toll on me physically
    0:11:10 and my relationships,
    0:11:10 and it did.
    0:11:12 But the bottom line is,
    0:11:13 without violating privacy,
    0:11:15 is the end of my first marriage
    0:11:17 was a function of my immaturity.
    0:11:20 And the fact that I was working around the clock
    0:11:22 probably didn’t help in terms of stressors,
    0:11:25 but I can’t just lay it at the feet of my career.
    0:11:26 I want to be clear.
    0:11:28 My way was to do nothing
    0:11:30 but pretty much work from the age of 22
    0:11:30 to kind of
    0:11:33 my late 40s, early 50s.
    0:11:35 That was my way,
    0:11:36 but I’m not sure it’s the right way.
    0:11:38 And I have some proximity bias,
    0:11:39 and that is the people I
    0:11:41 am close to
    0:11:43 are mostly other very ambitious,
    0:11:44 economically ambitious people
    0:11:46 that want to be successful
    0:11:47 and live in places like LA and New York
    0:11:49 where you have to make a shit ton of money
    0:11:50 to have the lifestyle we want,
    0:11:52 and also MBA students.
    0:11:54 And when I survey my MBA students,
    0:11:56 about 70, 80% of them
    0:11:57 expect to be in the top 1%
    0:11:58 income-earning households
    0:11:59 by the time they’re 35.
    0:12:01 And what I suggest is that
    0:12:04 if you are that ambitious economically,
    0:12:06 or from an influence or relevant standpoint,
    0:12:07 you just have an honest conversation
    0:12:09 around the trade-offs and the sacrifices,
    0:12:10 you might decide
    0:12:12 that you want the trade-off
    0:12:13 on the other end of the spectrum,
    0:12:15 that you’re going to move to St. Louis
    0:12:18 and have a nice life and work,
    0:12:20 but you’re going to work to live,
    0:12:21 not to live to work.
    0:12:22 And there’s absolutely
    0:12:24 nothing wrong with that.
    0:12:26 And you can maintain healthy relationships,
    0:12:27 you know,
    0:12:28 coach Little League,
    0:12:30 work a reasonable amount of hours,
    0:12:32 have your church or country club
    0:12:34 or whatever it is
    0:12:35 that gives you spiritual
    0:12:37 or relationship reward
    0:12:38 and have a wonderful relationship
    0:12:40 with your partner and your kids.
    0:12:40 I don’t,
    0:12:42 I think that’s possible.
    0:12:42 Unfortunately,
    0:12:43 I think it’s less possible.
    0:12:44 What we’ve seen is
    0:12:45 than it used to be.
    0:12:46 What we’ve seen is
    0:12:47 the majority of cities
    0:12:48 have brought up their prices
    0:12:48 because of inflation.
    0:12:51 So I think in a capitalist society,
    0:12:52 the cruel truth is
    0:12:53 you need a certain level
    0:12:54 of economic security.
    0:12:55 but if you’ve decided
    0:12:56 you don’t want to work
    0:12:58 40 hours a week,
    0:12:58 not 60,
    0:13:00 and that you’re going to
    0:13:01 prioritize your relationships
    0:13:02 and your health
    0:13:03 and your fitness
    0:13:04 and the pursuit of other
    0:13:05 outside interests,
    0:13:06 more power to you.
    0:13:07 I don’t,
    0:13:08 I get it.
    0:13:08 I get it.
    0:13:09 But you also have to recognize
    0:13:11 that means you probably
    0:13:12 aren’t going to make
    0:13:13 a million,
    0:13:14 two million bucks a year
    0:13:15 and live in LA or Manhattan.
    0:13:16 You’re just not going to get there
    0:13:17 doing,
    0:13:18 you know,
    0:13:19 an ordinary amount of sacrifice
    0:13:20 around your career.
    0:13:21 So what I would say is
    0:13:23 it’s a spectrum
    0:13:24 and that is you have to decide
    0:13:25 and get alignment
    0:13:26 with your partner
    0:13:27 around where on that spectrum
    0:13:28 you want to be.
    0:13:30 And I’ve always assumed
    0:13:31 that the majority of people
    0:13:32 I come in contact with,
    0:13:33 and maybe that’s incorrect,
    0:13:35 but actually it’s not.
    0:13:36 The majority of the young people
    0:13:36 I meet,
    0:13:38 where they fall flat is
    0:13:39 they get used to
    0:13:41 these Instagram life
    0:13:41 and the algorithms
    0:13:42 that they’re going to be
    0:13:43 on a jet
    0:13:44 and vacationing
    0:13:46 at the Allman
    0:13:46 in Utah,
    0:13:48 partying in St. Barts
    0:13:49 or Saint-Tropez
    0:13:51 and that they’re going to get there
    0:13:52 at a very young age
    0:13:53 and just,
    0:13:53 you know,
    0:13:54 they’ll find a job
    0:13:55 that’ll carry them there
    0:13:55 or they’ll find
    0:13:56 the right cryptocurrency
    0:13:57 that’ll carry them there.
    0:13:58 No,
    0:13:59 that involves
    0:14:00 a lot of luck
    0:14:03 and working your ass off,
    0:14:04 which comes at a sacrifice.
    0:14:07 So I think that’s where
    0:14:08 what I’ll call
    0:14:10 the dissonance is,
    0:14:10 is that people,
    0:14:11 a lot of people
    0:14:13 don’t recognize
    0:14:14 the sacrifice.
    0:14:15 A lot of people
    0:14:15 on the other end say,
    0:14:15 well,
    0:14:16 you can make that sacrifice
    0:14:18 and still not get there,
    0:14:19 which is also true
    0:14:20 because luck plays
    0:14:20 a big role.
    0:14:21 So why would I make
    0:14:22 that trade
    0:14:24 when I can just be
    0:14:24 a good citizen,
    0:14:26 work relatively hard,
    0:14:27 find a good partner
    0:14:28 and just enjoy life?
    0:14:30 I also want to acknowledge
    0:14:30 that I’m more,
    0:14:32 I wouldn’t say I’m more,
    0:14:34 not as materialistic,
    0:14:36 but I’m very economically driven
    0:14:36 because I didn’t have money
    0:14:37 growing up
    0:14:38 and it was very stressful
    0:14:38 for me.
    0:14:39 So I’ve always been
    0:14:40 focused on it.
    0:14:41 So I probably
    0:14:42 over-focus on it
    0:14:43 and also
    0:14:44 the fact that I’m around
    0:14:45 people who are all
    0:14:46 very ambitious.
    0:14:47 but the thing
    0:14:48 I can’t stand
    0:14:51 is very successful people
    0:14:51 when they give me
    0:14:52 this bullshit
    0:14:53 that when they’re
    0:14:53 in front of a crowd,
    0:14:53 well,
    0:14:54 I never thought
    0:14:54 much about money.
    0:14:55 Yeah,
    0:14:55 fuck you.
    0:14:56 You think about money
    0:14:57 every minute
    0:14:58 and I think
    0:14:59 if you want to be
    0:15:01 financially very successful,
    0:15:01 you need to be
    0:15:03 somewhat financially literate
    0:15:04 and really know
    0:15:05 your budget,
    0:15:06 know how much
    0:15:06 you’re making,
    0:15:07 know taxes,
    0:15:09 really understand this stuff.
    0:15:09 I don’t think
    0:15:09 you can be great
    0:15:10 at tennis or anything
    0:15:11 without thinking
    0:15:12 about it a lot
    0:15:13 and talking about it a lot
    0:15:14 and one of those
    0:15:15 conversations
    0:15:18 is to get alignment
    0:15:18 with your partner
    0:15:19 and say,
    0:15:20 where do we expect
    0:15:21 to be economically?
    0:15:22 What is the lifestyle
    0:15:23 we want to have
    0:15:24 and what are the trade-offs
    0:15:24 we’re willing to make
    0:15:25 and where on that spectrum
    0:15:27 are we comfortable
    0:15:28 and getting alignment
    0:15:29 with your partner
    0:15:29 because I think
    0:15:30 what creates a lot
    0:15:30 of tension
    0:15:31 in relationships
    0:15:33 is that sometimes
    0:15:34 one,
    0:15:35 it’s not that they’re
    0:15:36 not making a lot of money,
    0:15:36 it’s just that they
    0:15:37 don’t have alignment.
    0:15:38 One person would be,
    0:15:40 would rather they work
    0:15:40 less hard
    0:15:41 and spend more time
    0:15:42 with each other
    0:15:42 and their kids
    0:15:44 and not be a member
    0:15:45 of the Tony Country Club
    0:15:46 or have the fancy car
    0:15:47 and the other
    0:15:48 does not want that,
    0:15:50 wants to work really hard
    0:15:51 and have the accoutrements
    0:15:52 of wealth and relevance.
    0:15:53 So I think the key
    0:15:55 is getting just alignment
    0:15:55 with your partner
    0:15:57 and then making sure
    0:15:59 your expectations
    0:16:00 foot to the reality
    0:16:01 of the situation
    0:16:03 in terms of where you live,
    0:16:03 your lifestyle,
    0:16:04 your spending patterns.
    0:16:05 But my brother,
    0:16:07 I’m not suggesting
    0:16:08 my way is the only way.
    0:16:09 Everyone’s got to find
    0:16:10 their own route here.
    0:16:11 Thanks for the question.
    0:16:13 We have one quick break
    0:16:13 and when we’re back,
    0:16:15 we’re diving into the depths
    0:16:17 of the ocean of Reddit.
    0:16:24 Support for the show
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    0:16:27 Oh my God!
    0:16:29 I love Panerai.
    0:16:30 A lot of people
    0:16:31 just rely on their phones
    0:16:32 to keep track of time.
    0:16:33 But for those of us
    0:16:33 who are interested
    0:16:34 in something more timeless
    0:16:35 and luxurious,
    0:16:36 you can’t go wrong
    0:16:37 with a gorgeous
    0:16:38 mechanic timepiece
    0:16:40 from a legacy watchmaker
    0:16:42 like Panerai.
    0:16:43 Giovanni Panerai
    0:16:44 opened his first boutique
    0:16:46 in Florence in 1860
    0:16:47 and since then,
    0:16:48 the brand has been perfecting
    0:16:49 its watchmaking expertise.
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    0:17:14 I have seven watches,
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    0:17:47 Whatever it is,
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    0:17:50 with Masterclass.
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    0:18:48 One of the hardest parts
    0:18:49 about B2B marketing
    0:18:50 is reaching the right audience.
    0:18:51 It would be like
    0:18:51 selling sailboats
    0:18:52 in the Sahara Desert
    0:18:53 or winter jackets
    0:18:54 in South Beach.
    0:18:55 Not really the audience
    0:18:56 you’re looking for.
    0:18:57 So when you want
    0:18:59 to reach the right professionals,
    0:19:00 use LinkedIn ads.
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    0:19:47 Welcome back.
    0:19:48 Let’s bust right into it.
    0:19:53 Our question today
    0:19:54 comes from Captain Athens.
    0:19:55 They ask,
    0:19:56 Prop G,
    0:19:58 what gives you hope?
    0:20:01 Huh.
    0:20:01 Okay.
    0:20:02 I just interviewed
    0:20:04 the historian Timothy Snyder
    0:20:05 and he’s really inspired
    0:20:05 by some of these
    0:20:07 protests or marches
    0:20:08 in the United States.
    0:20:09 I like that.
    0:20:10 You see hundreds of thousands
    0:20:11 of people protesting.
    0:20:12 That makes me feel,
    0:20:13 it makes me feel hopeful.
    0:20:14 There’s this wonderful graph
    0:20:15 showing that
    0:20:16 not in the U.S.,
    0:20:17 but globally,
    0:20:18 people are spending more time
    0:20:19 volunteering time
    0:20:20 to help people
    0:20:21 they will never meet.
    0:20:22 so more people
    0:20:23 are planting trees
    0:20:24 the shade of which
    0:20:26 they will never sit under.
    0:20:27 That’s very hopeful.
    0:20:28 I’m hopeful that the EU binds
    0:20:29 together to push back
    0:20:30 on Ukraine.
    0:20:32 I think we’re starting
    0:20:33 to pay more attention
    0:20:34 to the struggles
    0:20:35 of young men,
    0:20:36 mostly led by the concerns
    0:20:37 and recognition
    0:20:38 of these struggles
    0:20:39 by their mothers.
    0:20:41 I love that we’re beating
    0:20:42 back Putin.
    0:20:42 I love,
    0:20:43 you know,
    0:20:45 there’s a lot of things
    0:20:46 I’m excited about.
    0:20:47 A certain amount
    0:20:47 of drug discovery.
    0:20:49 I’m,
    0:20:50 you know,
    0:20:51 I am fairly hopeful.
    0:20:53 It sounds very passe.
    0:20:54 My boys give me hope.
    0:20:55 I just think they’re
    0:20:57 funny and nice
    0:20:58 and interesting
    0:20:59 and,
    0:21:00 you know,
    0:21:01 and beautiful.
    0:21:02 Everyone thinks their boys
    0:21:02 are the most beautiful thing
    0:21:03 in the world.
    0:21:04 And I like seeing
    0:21:06 life through the lens
    0:21:08 of what they see.
    0:21:09 my youngest son
    0:21:10 is starting to get
    0:21:11 into fashion.
    0:21:12 I just think it’s hilarious
    0:21:13 what he finds fashionable
    0:21:14 and he wants me
    0:21:15 to buy him a chain.
    0:21:16 And we were looking
    0:21:16 at chains together
    0:21:18 and just what he finds
    0:21:19 interesting and cool.
    0:21:19 And I used to do
    0:21:20 a college tour
    0:21:21 with my oldest
    0:21:22 and we got to
    0:21:23 this one university.
    0:21:25 We did eight universities
    0:21:26 in six days
    0:21:26 and then we got
    0:21:27 to this one university
    0:21:28 and it was like a dog
    0:21:28 off a leash
    0:21:29 running ahead of me.
    0:21:30 And I’m just trying
    0:21:30 to figure out
    0:21:31 what is it about
    0:21:31 this university
    0:21:32 or this environment
    0:21:33 that all of a sudden
    0:21:34 he’s decided
    0:21:35 this is the college
    0:21:36 he wants to go to.
    0:21:37 So kids give me hope.
    0:21:39 But I think
    0:21:40 there’s a lot
    0:21:41 to be hopeful around.
    0:21:43 So also dogs.
    0:21:45 Dogs give me hope.
    0:21:45 Anyways,
    0:21:46 hope that’s enough.
    0:21:47 Thanks for the question.
    0:21:56 This episode was produced
    0:21:57 by Jennifer Sanchez.
    0:21:59 Our intern is Dan Shallon.
    0:22:00 Drew Burroughs
    0:22:01 is our technical director.
    0:22:02 Thank you for listening
    0:22:02 to the Prop G pod
    0:22:04 from the Vox Media Podcast Network.
    0:22:05 We will catch you
    0:22:06 on Saturday
    0:22:07 for No Mercy, No Malice
    0:22:09 as read by George Hahn.
    0:22:10 And please follow
    0:22:11 our Prop G Markets pod
    0:22:13 wherever you get your pods
    0:22:13 for new episodes
    0:22:15 every Monday and Thursday.

    Scott unpacks whether young Americans should consider lifestyle arbitrage — moving abroad for a better quality of life. Then, he offers advice on balancing ambition and relationships in your 20s and 30s.

    And in our Reddit Hotline segment, Scott answers the big question: what gives him hope?

    Want to be featured in a future episode? Send a voice recording to officehours@profgmedia.com, or drop your question in the r/ScottGalloway subreddit.

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  • Ed Zitron: Silicon Valley’s Empty Promises and Billion-Dollar Blunders

    AI transcript
    0:00:04 In my years of entrepreneurship, I’ve seen countless startups.
    0:00:06 And here’s the truth.
    0:00:12 Smart spending drives growth, which is something Brex has championed.
    0:00:14 Brex isn’t just a corporate credit card.
    0:00:19 It’s a strategic tool to help your company achieve peak performance.
    0:00:22 Corporate cards, banking, expense management,
    0:00:30 all integrated on an AI-powered platform that turns every dollar into opportunity.
    0:00:35 In fact, 30,000 companies are trusting Brex to help them win.
    0:00:39 Go to brex.com slash grow to learn more.
    0:00:42 As a product, large language models are kind of interesting.
    0:00:47 I despise them for the environmental damage they do and the fact they steal from people.
    0:00:49 The actual things they can do, pretty cool.
    0:00:52 The problem is they’re not being sold as this is pretty cool.
    0:00:57 They’re being sold as this is the revolution that will change everything about business forever and ever.
    0:00:59 That is my problem with that.
    0:01:02 That and literally the stealing of the environmental damage.
    0:01:06 I’m Guy Kawasaki.
    0:01:09 This is the Remarkable People podcast.
    0:01:14 And we found another remarkable person to help you be remarkable too.
    0:01:16 His name is Ed Zitron.
    0:01:20 And he is a media and PR expert.
    0:01:22 And, well, that’s understating.
    0:01:31 He is so opinionated about AI and what he calls the rot economy that I just wanted a kind of new voice,
    0:01:35 a new perspective on AI and tech bros and all that stuff.
    0:01:37 So welcome to the show, Ed.
    0:01:38 Thank you for having me, Guy.
    0:01:45 Listen, Ed, I have noticed in your podcast and your writing and stuff that you don’t exactly hold yourself back.
    0:01:47 So I’ve got to ask you this question.
    0:01:49 I think I know what you’re going to say.
    0:01:55 But tell me what you think of this Blue Origin flight with the women into space.
    0:02:02 It’s one of those things where I think Katy Perry came back and she was talking about Mother Earth and loving Mother Earth.
    0:02:05 And it’s like, how many fossil fuels were necessary to get you up and down?
    0:02:05 How many?
    0:02:07 Did you fly there on a private jet?
    0:02:17 I think it was just it was PR and it was marketing and it was just one of those meaningless things that I think it’s cool that we send people to space.
    0:02:20 But this one was unnecessary and a little strange, frankly.
    0:02:22 And let me ask you something.
    0:02:29 Do you think that this advanced women in STEM and kind of diversity in space at all?
    0:02:33 I think that those are extremely important issues.
    0:02:41 Like women and people of color, LGBTQ, making sure that they have presence in all industries and in STEM and everything is extremely important.
    0:02:44 I do not think the Blue Origin flight had anything to do with that of the sort.
    0:02:55 I think it was just a Blue Origin marketing campaign and it sucks that it really was exploiting women in STEM far more than it was helping.
    0:02:58 I don’t think anyone saw this and went, oh, that’s a good idea now.
    0:03:03 I wasn’t into women in STEM before, but I saw Katy Perry in space and now I’m just gaga for it.
    0:03:06 And her quote was putting the ass in astronaut.
    0:03:09 I mean, good stuff, Katy.
    0:03:11 Good for her, but also what?
    0:03:13 Could have said anything.
    0:03:14 Could have said anything.
    0:03:19 I saw an interview with her where she claimed she was reading about string theory as well.
    0:03:22 Good for her again, but it’s like, what is this even about?
    0:03:23 Is this about women in STEM?
    0:03:28 Is this just about feeling good in a kind of vague and unattached way?
    0:03:29 I don’t know.
    0:03:30 It just all feels cynical to me.
    0:03:41 I was talking to my wife about this and I said, if it was up to me, the women I would include would be people like Jane Goodall, Dolly Parton.
    0:03:45 One of the many women who works at NASA.
    0:03:45 Yeah.
    0:03:46 Yeah.
    0:03:47 I don’t know.
    0:03:50 Like one of the many incredible women in science.
    0:03:52 I’m not saying, I don’t know.
    0:03:58 I feel like that felt like a fairly obvious one, but it was the big name thing that feels so cynical.
    0:04:01 It’s not even like you had a celebrity and a few actual scientists.
    0:04:03 You just had celebs.
    0:04:05 And it’s like, okay, what’s this for?
    0:04:06 Who is this for?
    0:04:07 Yeah.
    0:04:08 Is this just for, I don’t know.
    0:04:12 I would have loved to see Jane Goodall and Greta Thunberg.
    0:04:13 That would actually make sense.
    0:04:14 This does not.
    0:04:17 I mean, it makes sense in a kind of marketing sense.
    0:04:21 And like, we’re just doing things to get headlines because that’s what it was.
    0:04:23 But headlines for, that’s the thing.
    0:04:25 It’s just very kind of specious.
    0:04:27 Like, why are we doing this?
    0:04:28 I don’t know.
    0:04:30 So many better things we could have done.
    0:04:31 Okay.
    0:04:33 And we have better things to discuss.
    0:04:38 What is the gist of your analysis of OpenAI?
    0:04:40 My God, what a diatribe.
    0:04:47 So OpenAI is a company that burned $9 billion to lose $5 billion in 2024.
    0:04:49 They have no path to profitability.
    0:04:52 Their software does not have significant business returns.
    0:04:54 And they’re on course to bear.
    0:04:59 Their estimates are like they’ll burn $320 billion in the next five years.
    0:05:02 And this generative AI has petered out.
    0:05:05 We are not seeing significant gains in any way.
    0:05:06 And we’re definitely not getting AGI.
    0:05:10 So my view of OpenAI is it’s one of the most successful cons of all time.
    0:05:14 I believe if you look at the way it’s structured, it is an incredible con.
    0:05:20 He has all of his infrastructure provided by Microsoft, provided by CoreWeave, if they ever build it.
    0:05:21 Stargate as well is never going to happen.
    0:05:25 But nevertheless, he has managed to take all of the risk and put it on other people,
    0:05:27 including Masayoshi, son of SoftBank.
    0:05:31 My analysis is the entire generative AI boom is OpenAI.
    0:05:35 And OpenAI itself is a runaway train of over promises.
    0:05:43 It is, in reality, probably more like a $5 billion valuation SaaS business.
    0:05:45 It is the equivalent of Docker.
    0:05:45 I don’t know.
    0:05:49 I’m sure maybe they have a higher valuation than that in the case of Docker.
    0:05:50 It’s cloud software.
    0:05:51 It’s cloud compute.
    0:05:52 That’s all it is.
    0:05:56 But it’s been turned into this massive, meaningless, empty hype bubble.
    0:05:58 And I think you’re seeing people pull away from it.
    0:06:01 Johnson & Johnson has reduced all of their generative AI efforts.
    0:06:03 For example, Microsoft’s pulling back on data centers.
    0:06:09 OpenAI is just, it’s not a nothing burger, but it’s definitely much less than people claim it is.
    0:06:16 So are you impugning OpenAI specifically or AI in general?
    0:06:18 So that’s the thing.
    0:06:19 There’s AI.
    0:06:21 There’s all sorts of AI over here.
    0:06:22 You’ve had people on your show.
    0:06:23 You’ve talked about AI.
    0:06:26 AI can mean a hell of a lot of things and has been around for decades.
    0:06:29 OpenAI, I’m referring to with generative AI.
    0:06:31 The current AI hype boom is based on that.
    0:06:39 There are lots of people that conflate AI writ large with generative AI because it allows them to sell things and pretend they’re in the future.
    0:06:45 And so do you use AI in your podcast and in your writing and stuff at all?
    0:06:46 No.
    0:06:48 Not one bit?
    0:06:49 No.
    0:06:49 Why would I?
    0:06:50 That’s the thing.
    0:06:52 Like, I write my scripts.
    0:06:54 My scripts are edited by someone.
    0:06:55 I speak into a microphone.
    0:06:57 It’s edited by a producer.
    0:06:58 Yeah.
    0:06:59 I don’t have any reason to.
    0:07:02 Okay, let me tell you one of my use cases.
    0:07:14 I was writing a book called Think Remarkable, and I wanted examples of people who really made big career changes, not just going up the hierarchy, but completely changing what they did.
    0:07:21 So I asked ChatGPT that question, give me examples of successful people who made really great career changes.
    0:07:28 And ChatGPT told me, Julia Child was a spook working for the OSS until her 30s.
    0:07:33 She got married, they moved to Paris, she fell in love with French food, and she became the French chef.
    0:07:38 I would have never have heard of that example were it not for AI.
    0:07:41 I mean this nicely, Guy, but did you try looking otherwise?
    0:07:43 Like, you could have just…
    0:07:45 I don’t see how that is an AI use case.
    0:07:47 You’re describing search.
    0:07:50 You’re describing search, and also, did you check the citation?
    0:08:01 The reason I say this is, even here, in this example of where you give me an example of how AI changed things, you basically refer to something that already existed, that I would love to say it was better.
    0:08:10 But it’s, Google search has become so mediocre that I don’t think it’s possible to say it’s worse, but at the same time the propensity for hallucinations.
    0:08:19 But even then, this magical industry of AI, this magical generative AI, after all of this, the best we’ve got is, it’s kind of search.
    0:08:22 I feel like you also would have come to that example had you looked harder.
    0:08:28 I don’t mean that as an insult, but just had you not taken the first thing that popped up when you typed into ChatGPT.
    0:08:31 Now, I assume you went and did in-depth research on her afterwards, right?
    0:08:32 Yes, definitely.
    0:08:33 So that’s the thing.
    0:08:35 Like, why didn’t AI do that for you?
    0:08:43 Well, in a sense, if I am worried about ChatGPT hallucinating, I’m not going to ask ChatGPT, are you hallucinating?
    0:08:44 I agree fully.
    0:08:47 I’m just saying that, shouldn’t it not do that?
    0:08:48 Shouldn’t it be reliable?
    0:08:49 Well, this is the thing.
    0:08:51 We’re two years into this, hundreds of billions of dollars of CapEx.
    0:08:53 All of these things.
    0:08:58 And you, yourself, you’ve been around in tech pretty much since I started my career in 2008.
    0:09:00 You’ve been on the forefront of these movements.
    0:09:02 You’ve been looking at these things.
    0:09:05 It just feels like this should be more than it is right now.
    0:09:09 And that’s because this is all generative AI is, even in these examples.
    0:09:10 I’m not even criticizing.
    0:09:13 I’m just saying that, why would I use AI in my podcast?
    0:09:14 Why would I use it in my work?
    0:09:16 Because you can’t trust it.
    0:09:17 You can’t really.
    0:09:19 It’s a better search engine now.
    0:09:22 But even then, I used the search engine the other day to look up earnings reports.
    0:09:27 And it didn’t even give me the right, it gave me an earnings report from 2023 when I asked
    0:09:27 for 2025.
    0:09:33 It’s just frustrating seeing everyone say this is the future when it isn’t.
    0:09:34 Or it’s barely the present.
    0:09:36 It’s mostly the past, but more expensive.
    0:09:38 Oh, wow.
    0:09:45 I can tell you, we have a little different opinions of AI, but hey, that’s good.
    0:09:47 That’s why I want you on my podcast, right?
    0:09:48 I don’t want an echo chamber.
    0:09:49 Indeed.
    0:09:57 What if somebody said to you going back a few minutes here that, yeah, open AI at this point doesn’t look sustainable.
    0:09:58 It’s burning cash.
    0:10:04 You know, it’s losing money on every even paid customer, 200 a month or whatever.
    0:10:11 But can’t you make the case that at the start of a revolution, most revolutions don’t look sustainable?
    0:10:14 You can make that case as long as you ignore history.
    0:10:19 So Jim Covello for Goldman Sachs, the head of global equities research, said in the paper
    0:10:24 at the end of June of last year that basically it’s a trillion dollars of capex to make this work,
    0:10:25 but where are the returns?
    0:10:31 One of his big points he made was two parts of this, the smartphone revolution and the original internet.
    0:10:37 The original internet, the argument people make is, yes, there were these $64,000 Sun Microsystems servers.
    0:10:41 And the argument is, well, those existed and thus this is the same thing.
    0:10:41 It isn’t.
    0:10:46 The amount of capital expenditures behind anything to do with Sun Microsystems’ original servers,
    0:10:51 even the basic cable outlays of the early 2000s, were minuscule compared to this.
    0:10:54 And on top of that, you could still see what it was going for.
    0:10:55 There was a roadmap.
    0:10:59 Furthermore, when it comes to the smartphone revolution, people said the same thing.
    0:11:01 Well, people said smartphones wouldn’t be a big deal.
    0:11:03 That’s also a historical.
    0:11:08 Covello also said that there were thousands of presentations that showed you a roadmap of,
    0:11:12 okay, once we get smaller Bluetooth radios, smaller GPSs, smaller cellular modems,
    0:11:16 we will see this, this, this, this, this, all the way up to the iPhone and beyond.
    0:11:18 There’s nothing like that for AI.
    0:11:19 There’s nothing.
    0:11:23 And on top of that, the CapEx comparisons are completely different.
    0:11:26 And even the businesses are completely different.
    0:11:30 The only comparison point of a company that’s burned as much as OpenAI is Uber.
    0:11:34 Uber’s largest burn was 2020, $6.2 billion, if I’m correct.
    0:11:37 Now, they did that because they literally could not run their business.
    0:11:40 People could not get in cars and go places due to COVID.
    0:11:43 There is no historical comparison with OpenAI.
    0:11:45 People have tried railroads.
    0:11:46 Doesn’t make sense.
    0:11:47 Doesn’t make sense at all.
    0:11:48 Just isn’t a comparison.
    0:11:50 Electricity grids doesn’t make sense.
    0:11:53 There are no historical comparisons with what OpenAI is doing.
    0:11:59 On top of that, all of the others, every single one, there was a theoretical concept even
    0:12:01 of how this would get cheaper.
    0:12:05 The only thing that people have right now is they are saying the cost of inference, so
    0:12:07 when you put a prompt in, is coming down.
    0:12:11 There’s proof that’s happening, but even OpenAI has increased their cost of inference with their
    0:12:12 new image generator.
    0:12:15 It feels like a death cult.
    0:12:19 It’s genuinely worrying that society is not looking at this as a problem.
    0:12:25 Anthropic, they burned $5 billion last year, and they make a minuscule amount compared to
    0:12:26 OpenAI.
    0:12:28 It’s frightening.
    0:12:31 This cannot continue as it is.
    0:12:37 It is not numerically possible unless something completely unprecedented happens.
    0:12:39 But I see no sign of that happening.
    0:12:45 Well, but I could make the case that the fact that you can’t see something unprecedented happening
    0:12:47 doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen.
    0:12:50 Lots of unprecedented things happen, right?
    0:12:52 Sure, but I could become a wizard.
    0:12:53 I could learn to teleport.
    0:12:55 If a frog had wings, it could fly.
    0:13:00 There are all sorts of things we could say that are just, what if this happened?
    0:13:07 But what I mean by unprecedented and all this is for OpenAI to survive, they have raised $40
    0:13:07 billion.
    0:13:11 What they’ve actually done is they’ve got $10 billion up front from SoftBank, then they get
    0:13:12 another $30 billion by the end of the year.
    0:13:18 And they only get $30 billion if they convert to a for-profit entity, which means if they don’t
    0:13:19 do that, they’ll only get $20 billion.
    0:13:24 The for-profit, non-profit thing is dodgy enough, but SoftBank has to borrow all of the
    0:13:25 money to fund them.
    0:13:27 Private deals of that size are rare.
    0:13:35 You’ve got a $35 billion infrastructure loan happening with Polo and Meta right now, but
    0:13:36 that’s Meta.
    0:13:39 Meta has the credit worthiness to stand this up.
    0:13:40 OpenAI doesn’t.
    0:13:45 The fact that they are having to raise from one company, SoftBank, is such a bad sign.
    0:13:49 Nevertheless, putting all that aside, how do they keep burning all this money?
    0:13:50 It’s not changing.
    0:13:51 It’s getting worse.
    0:13:55 There’s only so much money in the world that is going to go into this company, especially
    0:13:56 as the AI trade is suffering.
    0:14:02 The unprecedented thing would have to be a scientific breakthrough that would then have to immediately
    0:14:03 become silicon.
    0:14:06 Because even if they came up with something that would make inference dramatically cheaper
    0:14:10 on the silicon side, it would take years to actually file into physical silicon.
    0:14:10 I don’t know.
    0:14:16 I realized that the idea that a company of this size, of this importance, being this
    0:14:22 financially unstable and this potentially destructible is scary and it’s hard for people
    0:14:23 to get their heads around.
    0:14:26 But at some point, something has to change.
    0:14:28 And I have no idea what that could possibly be.
    0:14:31 And I’ve not had a single person come up with an answer.
    0:14:35 Okay, so let’s suppose that you’re right and OpenAI dies.
    0:14:36 So what?
    0:14:42 If you go to Gemini now and you ask a question, you don’t get the old Google sort of search
    0:14:44 results of a quarter million links.
    0:14:46 You get an answer as opposed to links.
    0:14:49 So if OpenAI died, so what?
    0:14:51 Generative AI will stick around.
    0:14:53 We’ve already got models that run on device.
    0:14:55 They’re not as good, but they’re getting there.
    0:14:58 My argument is not that generative AI will die.
    0:14:59 The hype cycle will.
    0:15:03 Because right now, no one wants to admit that generative AI is not going to give the business
    0:15:05 returns that they promised.
    0:15:06 It’s not revolutionary.
    0:15:13 It is an evolutionary product of deep machine learning and deep learning and stuff like that.
    0:15:15 It is a next step.
    0:15:17 It has some functionality that’s useful.
    0:15:18 It has been trumpeted.
    0:15:19 That’s the thing.
    0:15:22 As a product, large language models are kind of interesting.
    0:15:27 I despise them for the environmental damage they do and the fact they steal from people.
    0:15:29 The actual things they can do, pretty cool.
    0:15:32 The problem is they’re not being sold as this is pretty cool.
    0:15:36 They’re being sold as this is the revolution that will change everything about business forever
    0:15:37 and ever.
    0:15:39 That is my problem with it.
    0:15:41 That and literally the stealing and the environmental damage.
    0:15:43 So you’ll see Gemini hang around.
    0:15:44 I’m confident of that.
    0:15:48 In fact, if OpenAI collapses, I wouldn’t be surprised if it gets absorbed into Copilot because
    0:15:53 Microsoft owns all of their IP and all of their research.
    0:15:56 They’re pre-AGI stuff, by the way, which they’re never going to make it.
    0:15:57 But that’s the other thing.
    0:16:03 Everyone is talking about AGI now, and that is just one of the most craven and disgusting
    0:16:07 things I’ve seen in tech and tech media in a while because we are not even close to the
    0:16:08 beginning of AGI.
    0:16:11 It is a farce and a lie to suggest otherwise.
    0:16:14 And it’s nice to sit there and dream about it and say, oh, what if we had AGI?
    0:16:15 Wouldn’t that be interesting?
    0:16:17 But we don’t.
    0:16:18 And we’re not going to.
    0:16:19 We may never.
    0:16:20 AGI is a cool idea.
    0:16:23 The idea of the conscious computer is so cool.
    0:16:24 I love the idea.
    0:16:27 But no one seems to want to actually have that discussion.
    0:16:30 They don’t want to talk about the fact that we’d have to give these things personage.
    0:16:32 That we’d have to give them rights, potentially.
    0:16:33 They don’t want to do that.
    0:16:39 They just want to vaguely say AGI is coming so that Wario, Mario Amadei of Anthropic can
    0:16:42 raise more money or so that Sam Altman can get a third Kona SIG car.
    0:16:47 It’s frustrating because you’re taking the cool stuff about tech, the dreaming, the new
    0:16:51 innovations, the things that change society, you’re putting that to the side so that you
    0:16:54 can create something that can raise more venture capital and you can hold up the stock
    0:16:54 market.
    0:16:57 It’s boring on top of being not that useful.
    0:17:02 Ed, don’t feel constrained and tell us what you really think.
    0:17:04 I know, I’ve been holding back, guy.
    0:17:06 I’ll be honest now.
    0:17:13 So does the existence of DeepSeek make you feel better because it’s cheaper?
    0:17:18 I think DeepSeek is a good thing because if we’re thinking about the problems of the generative
    0:17:20 AI bubble, it’s the getting…
    0:17:23 None of the American companies have been pushed to be efficient.
    0:17:28 They’ve been building larger and fatter and nastier large language models that burn more
    0:17:29 capital, use more energy.
    0:17:32 DeepSeek, however, has not…
    0:17:34 I don’t know if it really cost them $5 million to train.
    0:17:37 I don’t necessarily buy that, but it was definitely cheaper.
    0:17:43 I think DeepSeek has started pushing some of these corporations to get cheaper.
    0:17:45 Google, there’s some Gemini stuff.
    0:17:47 I don’t mind Jeff Dean over at Google.
    0:17:47 He’s all right.
    0:17:51 But they’ve been pushing for cheaper models that can run on a single H100.
    0:17:52 Even that’s not…
    0:17:58 Anyway, DeepSeek has put pressure on a lot of them to lower these costs, but it also kind
    0:18:05 shook the market and said, hey, look, look, maybe it doesn’t need to have the latest Blackwell
    0:18:05 chips.
    0:18:10 Maybe we don’t need to give Jensen Huang billions of dollars every single quarter just in case
    0:18:12 the stock market gets hurt.
    0:18:14 So DeepSeek’s good.
    0:18:18 I think people got very xenophobic over it in a disappointing way.
    0:18:21 I think people were very quick to go, ah, it’s the Chinese.
    0:18:23 They’re doing something boring and honestly cowardly.
    0:18:28 If that’s the best you’ve got against DeepSeek is to just be xenophobic, it’s boring.
    0:18:33 It’s just dull and it doesn’t actually suggest that anyone cares about technology.
    0:18:35 I personally am very excited.
    0:18:36 I love my tech.
    0:18:37 I really do.
    0:18:38 Cool stuff.
    0:18:44 That’s why I get up in the morning and you see this and it’s just dull and at least DeepSeek’s
    0:18:46 pushing them to make it cheaper.
    0:18:47 I don’t know.
    0:18:50 It’s just disappointing to see that this is what everyone’s obsessed with.
    0:19:06 Every business is under pressure to save money, but if you want to be a business leader, you
    0:19:07 need to do more to win.
    0:19:13 You need to create momentum and unlock potential, which is where Brex comes in.
    0:19:16 Brex isn’t just another corporate credit card.
    0:19:18 It’s a modern finance platform.
    0:19:22 That’s like having a financial superhero in your back pocket.
    0:19:29 Think credit cards, banking, expense management, and travel, all integrated into one smart solution.
    0:19:35 More than 30,000 companies use Brex to make every dollar count towards their mission and
    0:19:37 you can join them.
    0:19:43 Get the modern finance platform that works as hard as you do at brex.com slash grow.
    0:19:46 All right.
    0:19:53 So let’s segue a little bit into a little larger topic, which is I love the concept of
    0:19:57 the rot economy, R-O-T for those of you listening.
    0:20:01 So please explain the rot economy.
    0:20:07 So our economy, the public markets in particular, but it’s played into the private markets as
    0:20:09 well, has been obsessed with growth, growth at all costs.
    0:20:12 It’s not about making sustainable businesses.
    0:20:14 It’s not about making businesses that will last the test of time.
    0:20:17 It’s about each quarter showing a high percentage growth.
    0:20:19 10% would be considered bad.
    0:20:22 20% ideal, more than that, even more ideal.
    0:20:26 The rot economy is something I refer to specifically for the tech industry.
    0:20:30 It fans out, but the tech industry is one of the best, especially software, one of the
    0:20:32 best vehicles for growth ever.
    0:20:38 Software can proliferate infinitely, theoretically, and as a result, it can create growth in all
    0:20:41 sorts of places without having to build physical things or have labor.
    0:20:44 It’s actually why the generative AI situation is so bizarre.
    0:20:50 Nevertheless, when you have companies that for decades have been oriented around growth rather
    0:20:54 than making happy customers, making people come back to the service because it’s good,
    0:20:59 not because they have a monopoly over it, not because it has the cheapest prices, you chase
    0:21:00 out the people who innovate.
    0:21:05 You chase out those people who are sitting there thinking, how can I solve someone’s problems?
    0:21:07 You’re thinking, how can I solve a problem?
    0:21:12 And that problem is that my stock needs to keep, we need new crap to sell here and there.
    0:21:17 And thus, the tech industry has been obsessed with growth for years and years and years, and
    0:21:18 they’ve been rewarded for it.
    0:21:20 Tech stocks have never been worth more.
    0:21:23 It’s never been easier for these companies to promote growth.
    0:21:28 Up until a few years ago, so they got desperate and they thought, we don’t have a new hyper
    0:21:33 growth market because they really haven’t since smartphones, the cloud computing boom, there
    0:21:35 was a brief virtualization trend, didn’t really work.
    0:21:36 AR, VR didn’t work.
    0:21:37 Metaverse didn’t work.
    0:21:38 Smart home didn’t work.
    0:21:41 Amazon lost billions of dollars off of that.
    0:21:42 They’re still losing money.
    0:21:46 Smartwatches, IoT, 5G.
    0:21:50 These are all things that they all wanted to be the next type of growth thing, except there
    0:21:52 hasn’t been one for a long, long, long, long time.
    0:21:54 And thus, they’ve got desperate.
    0:21:56 And the people running these companies all have MBAs.
    0:22:01 Sundar Pashai, Tim Cook, Satya Nadella, Andy Jassy.
    0:22:02 MBAs.
    0:22:04 And no offense to MBAs.
    0:22:10 It’s just when you are a business growth man, inspired by Jack Welch of GE, who is a great
    0:22:12 book, David Gellis, The Man Who Destroyed Capitalism.
    0:22:17 When the conditions are that you must grow every quarter, you’re no longer thinking innovation.
    0:22:19 You’re no longer thinking value creation.
    0:22:22 And so, you don’t really know what it looks like anymore.
    0:22:27 You look at the smartphone generation, you say, that was big because it had lots of market
    0:22:28 opportunities.
    0:22:32 But versus the fact that you remember very well, the first iPhone was incredible because
    0:22:34 it combined all of these distinct devices.
    0:22:35 You had this one thing.
    0:22:40 It brought home the idea that we saw in Palm and Compaq and things like that with the miniature
    0:22:40 computer.
    0:22:41 It made sense.
    0:22:43 And it made sense for us as people.
    0:22:48 You look at Generative AI, and it’s very much a square peg, round hole situation.
    0:22:52 But it makes sense if you look at it, that these companies were trying to create something
    0:22:56 that would sell software, that would allow them to sell cloud compute with Azure, that
    0:23:00 would allow them to sell API cores with OpenAI, that would allow them to sell subscriptions with
    0:23:01 OpenAI.
    0:23:07 The problem is the underlying costs are so severe, and it’s always worked in the past to throw
    0:23:07 money at stuff.
    0:23:09 They’re all growth-oriented.
    0:23:12 They’re not innovation-oriented, and I don’t think they know what to do.
    0:23:18 And do you hold any companies that we would have heard of as positive examples?
    0:23:24 Not in tech, truthfully.
    0:23:26 In tech, it is just a slop fest.
    0:23:28 NVIDIA’s interesting.
    0:23:33 So NVIDIA, Jensen Huang is technical, and he sounds like monstrous to work with at times,
    0:23:35 but he is a technical guy.
    0:23:36 He is a hardworking guy.
    0:23:37 Clean toilets as a kid.
    0:23:39 He is a real working stiff.
    0:23:44 But regardless of the fact that Jensen jumps from trend to trend, they at least make physical
    0:23:45 things that are good.
    0:23:47 They’ve screwed over consumers with GPUs right now.
    0:23:48 They’ve done terrible things.
    0:23:51 Pretty much because of the rot economy.
    0:23:52 Pretty much the same thing.
    0:23:57 Growth at all costs, which means melting wires because they’ve sent all the powers down to
    0:23:59 cable for GPUs.
    0:24:04 Point is, NVIDIA is about one of the better ones, but right now, our crop of public tech
    0:24:06 stocks are really horrifying.
    0:24:09 It’s really disappointing because I would love it to be different.
    0:24:11 I want a better tech industry.
    0:24:14 I deeply want tech to make cool stuff that makes people’s lives better.
    0:24:16 I just don’t see them doing it.
    0:24:21 Costco is probably my one company that I think is in line with the idea that growth is not
    0:24:22 the only thing.
    0:24:26 But in tech, and I understand, on some level, I understand why.
    0:24:31 I understand if you’re the CEO of a public company and the market wants growth, what are
    0:24:32 you meant to do there?
    0:24:36 You could push back, but the pushback would include your stock going down, which might
    0:24:37 lead to a board revolt.
    0:24:42 So you’re in this catch-22 situation, but you look at people like Sundar Pichai, who is a
    0:24:45 former McKinsey guy, and that guy does not care.
    0:24:46 That guy’s not thinking innovation.
    0:24:48 He’s thinking, line go up, number go up.
    0:24:55 Do you think that Dave and Bill are turning over in their grave right now?
    0:25:02 I think that if you look at the elder generation tech founders, those living,
    0:25:08 and those not, you can really see that there is something that shifted in the mindset of
    0:25:09 the people that run these companies.
    0:25:13 I also think that there are some of them, like Bill Gates, who were always like this.
    0:25:18 Microsoft had an antitrust case, was it in the 90s, over MS-DOS and Windows?
    0:25:22 Some of these guys, like Eric Schmidt, they’re rot economists, and they always were.
    0:25:24 I don’t think that was always the case.
    0:25:25 But at the same time, it’s hard to tell.
    0:25:29 Because it was the Munger quote, where it’s like, look at the incentives.
    0:25:34 I forget the exact one, but the incentives back then were to build stuff so that it would
    0:25:35 be valuable.
    0:25:38 There was not the inherent assumption that it always would be.
    0:25:43 The early days of Apple, as horrible as Steve Jobs was, the early days of Apple were very
    0:25:45 much like, crap, what do we put together?
    0:25:46 What would be useful for people?
    0:25:47 What problems can we solve?
    0:25:52 And yes, Steve Jobs had his aesthetic choices and his proclivities, but ultimately it was about
    0:25:54 solving a problem, and then that would be value.
    0:25:55 Bull.
    0:25:57 Now it’s, can I sell an idea?
    0:26:02 Now can I put a concept together that will convince the markets that something is happening, which
    0:26:07 is inherently different to showing the markets that we have created something of value, which
    0:26:07 will then grow.
    0:26:15 So I think that when you look at the elder founders, living and dead, I can’t say for certain whether
    0:26:19 had they been born into a different generation and founded their companies today, whether they
    0:26:20 would do any different.
    0:26:27 It’s the wills of the markets and the incentives at play, they are what dictate things.
    0:26:29 And I think that it’s hard to tell.
    0:26:34 And I don’t feel much good for these executives, but I understand why they’re doing it.
    0:26:37 I just can’t speak to their, what’s up here.
    0:26:44 And the why they’re doing it is because they believe they have shareholder responsibility and
    0:26:46 their whole goal is to up the stock.
    0:26:48 And that’s shareholder supremacy.
    0:26:53 That is Jack Welch of GE, where he, shareholder capitalism took hold thanks to him and Milton
    0:26:54 Friedman.
    0:26:57 The idea that we must make the shareholders happy.
    0:26:59 We must improve the stock price, stock buybacks.
    0:27:01 It becomes such a big thing now.
    0:27:03 It’s anti-business as well.
    0:27:07 The incentives are no longer around creating businesses that create value.
    0:27:12 It’s around creating businesses that provide value to not the customer.
    0:27:16 And it’s so frustrating because it is going to drag our economy down with it eventually.
    0:27:18 It is going to drag society.
    0:27:23 I’m not saying apocalypse, but it is always going to be negative for society when we have
    0:27:24 shareholder supremacy.
    0:27:27 And I wrote a piece about this last year as well.
    0:27:30 It’s just frustrating because you can see the direct results.
    0:27:32 You can see the human capital.
    0:27:34 You see the tens of thousands of people laid off.
    0:27:37 Microsoft alone, tens of thousands of people in the last few years.
    0:27:40 And that happens not because the companies are unprofitable.
    0:27:41 These companies print money.
    0:27:44 $10 billion in profit, I think.
    0:27:46 A quarter with Microsoft, probably more.
    0:27:50 Yet they lay people off just so they can make another number go up is all that’s important.
    0:27:59 What do you think happens to people like Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos and Mark Andreessen and
    0:27:59 Peter Thiel?
    0:28:05 Were they good and they got corrupted or were they corrupted and now because they’re powerful,
    0:28:06 their corruption can come out?
    0:28:12 Can you explain those kind of changes that they seem to have gone through?
    0:28:17 So I think there is a universal theme with billionaires.
    0:28:19 I think there are very few exceptions.
    0:28:22 Steve Wozniak, I think, is probably an exception.
    0:28:27 A very, very rich people that they get where they get without ever enjoying a single moment.
    0:28:33 They don’t have anything that they truly love and are attached to that brings them joy that
    0:28:38 isn’t money related, that isn’t to do with business, that isn’t to do with conquest.
    0:28:44 So when they eventually get to a point where they have everything, they really feel like
    0:28:44 they have nothing.
    0:28:47 I can’t speak to whether Bezos or Musk.
    0:28:50 Musk sounds like he’s been pretty horrific for a long time.
    0:28:52 I don’t know much about the history of Bezos, but I know this.
    0:28:56 The way these men act is depressed.
    0:28:58 These men are not happy.
    0:29:02 They’re not saying these things because they have a deeply held ideology that means something
    0:29:02 to them.
    0:29:06 They’re saying out of grievance that they feel the world has taken something from them
    0:29:11 when they themselves have been arguably the biggest beneficiaries of the world’s resources.
    0:29:16 They could go and do anything and they choose to do what it is they’re doing.
    0:29:24 They act with malice and aggression and judgment and hatred and that comes from a place of emptiness.
    0:29:28 That comes from a place of not really enjoying a single damn thing.
    0:29:32 When you have all the choices in the world, you choose to go online and get angry.
    0:29:34 You choose to go online and attack women.
    0:29:41 You go online, attack trans people and attack minorities and attack DEI.
    0:29:44 You do that because you are miserable and isolationist.
    0:29:46 That’s what it is at the heart of these men.
    0:29:48 The way they’re acting is disgusting.
    0:29:53 It’s really putrid and it’s also pathetic and cowardly.
    0:29:56 And the opposite of manly, it’s the opposite of masculinity.
    0:29:59 It’s so cowardly.
    0:30:04 When you have power and you use that power to attack people who are powerless or marginalized,
    0:30:05 that is weakness.
    0:30:07 And that’s what these men are.
    0:30:08 They’re weak.
    0:30:11 They have all the power in the world, but deep down in their hearts, they’re weak.
    0:30:15 I have to say, I scratch my head.
    0:30:17 I scratch every part of my body.
    0:30:24 I just do not understand when you have infinite resources, infinite money, why are you not
    0:30:26 taking the high road?
    0:30:29 If there’s a time to take the high road, it’s now, right?
    0:30:34 And like I said, you could eat whatever meal you want cooked by your favorite chef with your
    0:30:36 favorite band playing anywhere.
    0:30:39 You could do any of these things, but you choose this.
    0:30:41 And that only comes from a place of deep unhappiness.
    0:30:45 That only comes from a place when there isn’t anything you actually want to do at all.
    0:30:48 When you yourself feel this echoing emptiness inside you.
    0:30:54 Because if they felt anything for themselves, if they felt anything joyous or happy that they
    0:30:57 could attach to, they would attach themselves to that.
    0:30:59 But they attach themselves to anger.
    0:31:01 Mark Zuckerberg on Joe Rogan was a joke.
    0:31:03 That’s ridiculous.
    0:31:06 You go, I got no, it’s not masculine enough anymore.
    0:31:06 Where?
    0:31:08 You got billions of dollars.
    0:31:09 You want chunks of Hawaii.
    0:31:10 What are you doing?
    0:31:11 Why are you here?
    0:31:12 Why are you on a podcast?
    0:31:15 You could be in Hawaii doing anything.
    0:31:16 Hawaii is an incredible looking place.
    0:31:19 You should just be there and stare into the distance.
    0:31:21 There’s so much beauty there alone.
    0:31:23 You have all of this stuff and you choose to do this.
    0:31:26 And it must just not feel like much to them.
    0:31:29 They must just feel nothing but anger.
    0:31:31 Anger and resentment.
    0:31:33 Resentment after they’re given everything.
    0:31:34 Everything.
    0:31:35 They must have more.
    0:31:36 They must take more.
    0:31:38 It must be the empty inside them.
    0:31:38 The void.
    0:31:46 But would you make the case that if they were not like this, they would not have achieved success?
    0:31:47 Which came first?
    0:31:54 I think that you’re right that there is definitely a degree of if they did not have.
    0:31:55 Actually, no.
    0:31:56 I take that a step back.
    0:31:57 I don’t know if I conflate the two.
    0:32:02 I think the single-minded focus on success, absolute success.
    0:32:08 I mean, in many of these cases, when you look into their actual past to success, it wasn’t like they had great business acumen.
    0:32:10 They stabbed a few backs a few times.
    0:32:12 Musk is an incredible leverage guy.
    0:32:13 That’s really it.
    0:32:15 He knows how to leverage assets.
    0:32:16 That’s about it.
    0:32:19 Mark Zuckerberg hasn’t written a line of code since 2006.
    0:32:22 Mark Zuckerberg knew who to go to.
    0:32:26 Sheryl Sandberg is probably more responsible for Mark Zuckerberg being a billionaire than Mark Zuckerberg.
    0:32:29 There are people that attach themselves to these people that help.
    0:32:34 I think that, sure, whether or not billionaires should exist is pretty obvious.
    0:32:35 You don’t need a billion dollars.
    0:32:36 Just come on.
    0:32:39 But I think that what got them there was that, to an extent.
    0:32:43 But what did they do when they weren’t making money?
    0:32:44 Did they not have fun?
    0:32:46 Did they ever watch JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure?
    0:32:49 Did they ever listen to Jack, like Charles Mingus?
    0:32:53 Did they not do anything cool or fun in between now and then?
    0:32:54 Was there nothing that made their heart sing?
    0:32:57 And I think the answer is no, there wasn’t.
    0:33:02 And I think this happens to millions, billions of people all their lives.
    0:33:05 Plenty of people who end up dirt poor who also find no joy.
    0:33:11 It’s just more obvious with these people because they have so many more choices that they don’t choose.
    0:33:19 So if I am a young entrepreneur and I’m listening to this podcast, like my head is exploding right now.
    0:33:22 You’re basically ripping all my tech heroes.
    0:33:24 So what is a young entrepreneur supposed to do?
    0:33:27 What is a young entrepreneur’s north light?
    0:33:30 Cling to helping people.
    0:33:32 I don’t necessarily mean helping people in the vocational way.
    0:33:35 Make something that people need that works.
    0:33:37 Be good to your friends and family.
    0:33:42 Love the people closer to you harder while working on whatever you’re doing.
    0:33:49 You can work incredibly hard while also putting love and joy into the world by being there for your friends, by being an available person.
    0:33:50 Go to therapy.
    0:33:52 It’s the best thing that most people don’t do.
    0:33:56 Exploring oneself is one of the most beautiful things a human can do.
    0:34:05 And young entrepreneurs are so commonly told to aspire to be these billionaire types when you look at their history and you say, this isn’t something to aspire to.
    0:34:07 This is something they fell into.
    0:34:13 So the advice for young entrepreneurs is focus on the most valuable thing you can do that’s easiest for you.
    0:34:14 That’s the best I can say.
    0:34:16 The closest you can get.
    0:34:18 Something you’re naturally good at that pays well.
    0:34:21 And I internally dial that in just as a job thing.
    0:34:24 But if you’re going to build something, solve a real problem.
    0:34:29 Find something that pisses people off or that frustrates them within their life, within their job.
    0:34:32 And truly solve that in a way that involves them paying you.
    0:34:34 Because there’s nothing.
    0:34:34 That’s the thing.
    0:34:37 It’s okay as long as you’re up front with the incentives.
    0:34:40 Not being like Mark Zuckerberg.
    0:34:41 Not being like Larry Ellison.
    0:34:43 Not being like Jeff Bezos.
    0:34:44 Isn’t a bad thing.
    0:34:48 And also these men grew up in vastly different times to today.
    0:34:53 Their lessons, even if they were positive, would not be relevant to a society where it’s harder to accumulate wealth.
    0:34:55 Where most young people can’t buy a house.
    0:34:58 Where most housing and rent is way higher.
    0:35:03 Where we, as Americans, burn so much money on healthcare.
    0:35:05 The world is different now.
    0:35:09 So appending yourself to these people isn’t necessarily the right thing.
    0:35:11 Focusing on the reality.
    0:35:18 Focusing on the tangibles of helping people with good software or hardware or what job you do.
    0:35:21 Find a way to be useful and monetize that.
    0:35:23 You can be a creative too.
    0:35:25 That will be a grind.
    0:35:26 But you can do it.
    0:35:28 Just whatever you do.
    0:35:30 Actually give a crap.
    0:35:37 You are basically rewriting every business book written in the last 25 years there, Ed.
    0:35:39 Yeah, I’ve read a lot of them too.
    0:35:42 And a lot of them are written like they were written 25 years ago.
    0:35:45 The Effective Executive by Drucker is still pretty good.
    0:35:49 Because a lot of his lessons come down to, hey, when someone’s good under you, treat them well.
    0:35:53 If you have good people working for you and they work on a product that people like, people will buy it.
    0:35:55 Be a good boss.
    0:35:57 Be a boss that respects the labor of other people.
    0:35:58 These are timeless lessons.
    0:36:02 The problem is that modern business writing has got so far away from that.
    0:36:09 It feeds into this culture of easy answers, of quick fixes, very obvious kind of try it.
    0:36:14 But it’s to try and get people away from having to have responsibility for others and themselves.
    0:36:20 Not to say that circumstances don’t happen that change things, but it’s, there are no easy answers.
    0:36:25 Sometimes the answers involve you not making as much money because you’re spending it on other people working for you.
    0:36:30 Sometimes it means you work harder and you have to spend more time working and investing in the people and the processes.
    0:36:32 I actually really like Rework.
    0:36:34 Rework by the Basecamp guys.
    0:36:36 That was a very good book as well.
    0:36:39 But a lot of the modern business books are just naff.
    0:36:41 They don’t really say much.
    0:36:46 They’re trying to give you little tips that you could hopefully copy, but you can’t copy someone else’s homework.
    0:36:49 I may be part of that indictment, but…
    0:36:51 I just haven’t read it.
    0:36:52 I’ve not read your books.
    0:36:53 Guy, I’m very sorry.
    0:36:58 Oh, at this moment, I would say I’m lucky you haven’t read some of my books.
    0:37:01 But also, I should be clear.
    0:37:05 10, 20 years ago, these books were written for 10, 20 years ago.
    0:37:09 And even then, when you write a book, it takes a year or so to come out.
    0:37:11 Everything is going to time out over time.
    0:37:15 The idea that the books might need to be rewritten is just the process of history.
    0:37:19 And yeah, there are some bad ones, but yeah, of course, old books are going to be…
    0:37:22 Like, I wrote two PR books, and they are terribly out of…
    0:37:23 Like, they make sense.
    0:37:29 The core tips are good, but there’s some social media stuff in there that does not make any sense anymore.
    0:37:38 I have to tell you that The Effective Executive, I read that in college, and I loved the writing of Peter Drucker and his other book.
    0:37:43 The Management, that really thick book, was just formative in my mind.
    0:37:45 And there was like an MBA one as well.
    0:37:45 It’s funny.
    0:37:53 I remember reading The Effective Executive on one of the few books I read on the subway when I was living in New York in 2009, actually.
    0:37:56 And I remember reading it, crouched into a corner, being like, this is good.
    0:37:58 A job I hated.
    0:37:59 I was so unhappy.
    0:38:01 I was just like, is there anything in here that will help me?
    0:38:03 I was just like, oh, these all make sense.
    0:38:04 But no.
    0:38:11 Nothing will help me from this book to fix the situation, because workers are so often deprived of industry.
    0:38:14 But it’s good, I think, for young people to enter.
    0:38:22 My dream would be that young people internalize lessons like this, because I think that the future of business needs to involve more love for the workers.
    0:38:24 Workers need to be less disposable.
    0:38:26 There needs to be more training.
    0:38:30 Managers need to be fired en masse and replaced with managers who actually know what they’re talking about.
    0:38:34 There is just so much rot that’s crept into all businesses.
    0:38:37 Up next on Remarkable People.
    0:38:40 I think that in general, Apple products are very good.
    0:38:43 I think the App Store is an abomination.
    0:38:47 And I think the way that they promote horrifying microtransaction-filled stuff is disgusting.
    0:38:51 I think their physical products, I think their silicon is fantastic.
    0:38:52 I genuinely do.
    0:38:54 I think Meta is horrifying.
    0:38:57 I think Microsoft, like I would never work Meta, Google, or Microsoft.
    0:38:59 No, absolutely not.
    0:39:28 It’s our pleasure and honor to make the show for you.
    0:39:36 Ed Hoffman, Fawn Weaver, Andrew Ross-Sorkin, Kara Swisher, Dara Treseder, Aza Raskin, and more take the stage.
    0:39:40 Apply to attend at mastersofscale.com slash remarkable.
    0:39:45 Again, that’s mastersofscale.com slash remarkable.
    0:39:48 Thank you to all our regular podcast listeners.
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    0:39:52 It’s our pleasure and honor to make the show for you.
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    0:40:00 Even better, forward it to a friend.
    0:40:03 A big mahalo to you for doing this.
    0:40:07 You’re listening to Remarkable People with Guy Kawasaki.
    0:40:19 I think my favorite lesson from the effective executive, and I use it whenever people talk to me about what’s the role or purpose of a company is.
    0:40:28 I believe Peter Drucker said that the purpose of a company is to create customers, which is very different than optimize shareholder return.
    0:40:34 I think that it’s a great lesson, but the meaning has been misinterpreted.
    0:40:43 Because creating customers, it has been turned into creating businesses, creating problems, and then creating solutions for the problems.
    0:40:50 Versus what I think Drucker meant, which was finding customers that need problems solved and solving them.
    0:40:54 And that conflation is at the root of a lot of our problems.
    0:41:04 Because when you really look at what’s happening, it is creating customers, by which I mean forcing something upon a current customer or a new customer.
    0:41:09 Making them have to work with you, rather than appealing to them in any way.
    0:41:11 I like how Drucker put it.
    0:41:14 It’s just, you should earn their business.
    0:41:18 That is the scary thing that I think has left a lot of modern capitalism.
    0:41:22 While we’re on the subject of the effective executive, you open the door here.
    0:41:28 Do you have any other books you would like my listeners to read to provide a guiding light?
    0:41:31 So Rework, Jason Freed.
    0:41:35 It’s been a long time since I read it, but that book was really good and it was like quite modernized.
    0:41:40 And a lot of it is about doing the things that make sense rather than doing the things that people are telling you to do.
    0:41:44 I have a small agency, only a couple of people work with me, and I’ve always kept it like that.
    0:41:48 And one of the big things when I was starting out was people would say to me, well, when are you going to scale up?
    0:41:51 I’d always say to them, why?
    0:41:52 To what end?
    0:41:53 Well, then you’d be bigger.
    0:41:55 I’m like, why?
    0:41:56 Am I going to make more money?
    0:41:58 The business will be bigger.
    0:42:00 It’s like you go back and forth with people.
    0:42:02 And there are all these things that people do in businesses.
    0:42:05 Software they have, the processes they choose.
    0:42:07 They do it because they think they have to.
    0:42:11 And Rework is really good at focusing on, hey, what do we actually need to do here?
    0:42:13 What roles do we need in an organization?
    0:42:16 What should each person in an organization do?
    0:42:17 And it’s very good like that.
    0:42:19 It’s been a while, but I really love that book a lot.
    0:42:21 I also like Atomic Habits.
    0:42:29 It’s cliche, but I think that over time we all develop habits and the ways we work kind of by accident.
    0:42:31 We just bumble our way through lives.
    0:42:33 Atomic Habits, it has some annoying bits.
    0:42:41 It’s quite repetitive, but making you a little more conscious of the way you build the world around you professionally and otherwise is really something.
    0:42:42 Like, that’s a good one.
    0:42:54 My last topic for you, because you are a PR and media expert, let us talk about what it means to be in PR and media today.
    0:42:59 It’s a very different world of pitching stories and getting coverage and social media.
    0:43:03 So what is the state of the business these days?
    0:43:08 So every single year since 2008, someone has told me that media relations is dying.
    0:43:13 My business has been around since 2013, 2012, 2013, I think.
    0:43:15 Yet to die yet.
    0:43:16 Doing very well.
    0:43:18 Media relations is still a big business.
    0:43:20 Pitching stories to reporters is as well.
    0:43:23 The reason that PR people want to kill it off is it’s difficult.
    0:43:24 You have to studiously read.
    0:43:26 You have to keep up on everything happening.
    0:43:29 You actually have to know what you’re talking about, and you have to read all the journalist stuff.
    0:43:33 That never goes out of style because companies want third-party approval,
    0:43:37 and they want it on honest terms that people will read and then approve of the company.
    0:43:38 That’s a very basic thing.
    0:43:39 Never really changed.
    0:43:42 The thing is, PR has bred it out of the industry.
    0:43:45 PR people have been told not to do media relations.
    0:43:48 They’ve been told it doesn’t work anymore, that the company is the media now.
    0:43:49 Never been true.
    0:43:51 Not even once, Guy.
    0:43:54 These people, it’s like, oh.
    0:43:56 Every year they say the same thing.
    0:43:57 It’s like social media is taking over.
    0:43:58 Content is taking over.
    0:43:59 It’s not 2013.
    0:44:01 But they say the same things.
    0:44:06 But in reality, that media relations is one of the few parts of PR that still works and still gets paid.
    0:44:11 The rest of it, content creation, yeah, it’s probably the most threat thing from Generative AI.
    0:44:16 When it comes to writing anodyne business copy that no one really reads, but everyone internally feels good about,
    0:44:18 that’s what Generative AI does.
    0:44:18 You want slop?
    0:44:19 We’ve got slop.
    0:44:21 PR has too much slop in it.
    0:44:31 So I think that really, specialist PR is going to continue ripping just because as social communities get more bifurcated,
    0:44:33 as we have less media outlets, as media outlets get more specialized,
    0:44:38 you’re going to have more people that want to get in front of specialized audiences,
    0:44:39 which requires a specialist.
    0:44:42 And media relations are specialists.
    0:44:45 They’re the highest revenue part of the business other than the scammy parts,
    0:44:48 where you just have someone sign up for 100 services and they can’t fire you.
    0:44:49 I’m talking about Edelman.
    0:44:54 And it’s a situation where PR people don’t know what to do.
    0:44:56 Less people are going into PR.
    0:44:58 They go into it because they think they’re going to be running events.
    0:45:01 I went into PR, completely lied to about what it would be.
    0:45:02 And I’m happy.
    0:45:02 I stayed.
    0:45:04 I love doing media relations.
    0:45:05 I get to talk to journalists all day.
    0:45:06 I get to know all their stuff.
    0:45:07 I get to read constantly.
    0:45:09 I get to be smarter and get paid for it.
    0:45:10 It’s awesome.
    0:45:14 I think that PR will keep going that way.
    0:45:18 I think that PR is going to see some astronomical changes in the next few years, though,
    0:45:20 because what else is there right now?
    0:45:22 Crisis management, great specialist industry.
    0:45:26 The specialist PR firms, the specialists, the people that know those industries,
    0:45:30 and the PR people who are incentivized to learn them.
    0:45:32 Not these PR people who know a little bit about a lot.
    0:45:34 They’re unworthy.
    0:45:36 The people that know what they’re talking about.
    0:45:38 Look at the sports people.
    0:45:40 Look at Sarit over at the Atlanta Braves.
    0:45:44 You can see the people who are really good in this industry, and it’s because they know
    0:45:45 and love their subjects.
    0:45:49 And I think PR as an industry has so many generalists.
    0:45:53 And I think that you’re going to see that shift or you’re going to see agencies die.
    0:45:55 So let me ask you something.
    0:46:01 Could you just, for the people listening to this, how do you define media relations?
    0:46:06 Is it your ability to call up iJustine or Marquez Brownlee?
    0:46:08 Or 20 years ago, you could call up Watt Mossberg.
    0:46:14 So iJustine and Marquez are interesting because they’re so big now that you really can’t pitch
    0:46:14 them.
    0:46:15 You can, but you can’t.
    0:46:18 Like, you have to have a thing specifically for them.
    0:46:23 So media relations is getting people to write coverage about your client or put your client
    0:46:25 on television or put your client on a podcast.
    0:46:31 Now, what this means in practice is PR people think it means spamming them and just hoping
    0:46:31 for the best.
    0:46:35 What it means is a really tailored pitch for them, but also knowing them.
    0:46:40 And I don’t mean this kind of nasty, greasy, ooh, I’m going to pretend to be friends with
    0:46:40 you.
    0:46:43 None of them is, I’m mates with a lot of them, but they don’t run anything extra because I’m
    0:46:44 their mate.
    0:46:47 They run it because I actually read their stuff studiously.
    0:46:49 Media relations is getting coverage.
    0:46:50 That really is it.
    0:46:52 It’s the thing that people have always paid for.
    0:46:53 I think people always pay for it.
    0:46:57 It means getting people on podcasts, on TV, in newspapers.
    0:47:01 It means finding the right report for a story and getting them to write it.
    0:47:03 There are the greasier kinds.
    0:47:06 There are the people that do the kind of place stories, the rumor mill stuff.
    0:47:09 That’s on the side of it.
    0:47:12 It’s not what I peddle in, but it’s interactions with journalists.
    0:47:15 But Ed, how do you make a judgment?
    0:47:19 Like on the one hand, you are condemning the rot economy.
    0:47:23 On the other hand, you’re pitching media stories.
    0:47:28 Aren’t those two things overlapping and in conflict sometimes?
    0:47:34 I’m really lucky to have clients that are, I pick my clients quite carefully.
    0:47:37 And there’s a reason I don’t work with any crypto companies as well.
    0:47:39 But look at it like this.
    0:47:43 Journalists here from, I do the writing stuff, the podcast stuff.
    0:47:44 I do it for the love of the game.
    0:47:47 I had 300 subscribers when I started in 2020.
    0:47:49 I have 60,000 now.
    0:47:50 I did that because I love writing.
    0:47:52 And if I don’t write, I’ll go crazy.
    0:47:53 The cats in my brain will keep meowing.
    0:47:57 So I think that it helps that I do that.
    0:48:02 My clients seem to really like it because they understand that journalists are going to connect
    0:48:04 with me because they understand my work and they know who I am.
    0:48:07 And they know that I wouldn’t bring them something rubbish.
    0:48:09 Also something that wouldn’t embarrass me.
    0:48:11 I don’t want to embarrass myself.
    0:48:13 I have a very public profile, but even before when I didn’t.
    0:48:17 So I think there is a challenge.
    0:48:22 I’m sure there is definitely a degree of, oh God, what if these two sides touch?
    0:48:23 But I firewall them quite aggressively.
    0:48:27 No client gets any coverage on my newsletter or podcast.
    0:48:30 I separate those worlds incredibly carefully.
    0:48:32 I take on clients that I like and I respect.
    0:48:37 And when I pitch reporters, I’m very clear, hey, if you don’t like this, that’s totally fine.
    0:48:40 And I get turned down for stories all the time, as any PR person does.
    0:48:43 The important thing is to not use one on the other.
    0:48:49 I would never, ever use anything to do with the show to do with my PR work.
    0:48:53 In fact, during CES, I had a live radio show thing I did.
    0:48:57 And I intentionally invited journalists on before I pitched them.
    0:49:00 So that there was never a chance where anything was contingent.
    0:49:03 And then I had one that I invited on that then said no.
    0:49:06 And I had zero reaction to it because those are two separate things.
    0:49:09 If you do things with intentionality, things tend to work out.
    0:49:20 Are you saying to me that if Amazon or Google or Apple or Meta came to you and said we would like to retain you for media relations, you would turn them down?
    0:49:21 I’d probably take Apple.
    0:49:23 I like Apple stuff.
    0:49:24 Like, I’m a happy Apple customer.
    0:49:32 And I feel like Tim Cook, despite him being like a supply chain guy, I think that in general, Apple products are very good.
    0:49:34 I think the app store is an abomination.
    0:49:39 And I think the way that they promote horrifying microtransaction filled stuff is disgusting.
    0:49:42 I think their physical products, I think their silicon is fantastic.
    0:49:43 I genuinely do.
    0:49:46 I think Meta is horrifying.
    0:49:49 I think Microsoft, like I would never work with Meta, Google or Microsoft.
    0:49:51 No, absolutely not.
    0:49:59 Like those companies, Microsoft alone, the monopolies they hold do such damage to and make, they make software worse.
    0:50:02 They make the software industry worse with their monopolies.
    0:50:06 They make millions, hundreds of millions of people miserable every day with Microsoft Teams.
    0:50:11 There are real consequences to what Microsoft does.
    0:50:13 I think Apple, by and large, does a good job.
    0:50:15 I think the app store is evil.
    0:50:18 And I think that they run it in an evil and craven way.
    0:50:20 And I’ll keep saying that even if they did hire me.
    0:50:23 So what is evil about the app store?
    0:50:24 Okay.
    0:50:27 Open up the app store and look at how they’re monetizing it.
    0:50:32 Because what they do is they promote things like Hinge, Bumble, and these very microtransaction heavy dating apps.
    0:50:35 They promote microtransaction heavy gaming apps.
    0:50:42 They monetize heavily on things that are built on the principles of gambling and the principles of addiction-based psychology.
    0:50:44 They monetize misery.
    0:50:46 And they do so with a deliberate hand.
    0:50:51 Apple could have chosen at any time to punish companies that monetize in this manner.
    0:50:54 Instead, Apple chose to make billions of dollars off it.
    0:51:01 Go and look up anything around how gacha games, referring to these games where you give them a little money and then you might get an item for your character.
    0:51:06 Those games are based on actively harmful psychological principles, deliberate ones.
    0:51:09 Apple makes money off them.
    0:51:10 Billions and billions and billions.
    0:51:18 Apple, a company that deliberately made the app store so that they could claim there was some kind of quality control, that they could stop consumers being harmed.
    0:51:21 Actively, they profit off of consumer harm.
    0:51:24 And there’s no reason for them to do it other than profit.
    0:51:26 What they could do, and Apple has a history of doing this.
    0:51:28 Remember what they did to Flash?
    0:51:32 They could crush the life out of these businesses.
    0:51:33 They could just go, no.
    0:51:35 Supercell cannot do this.
    0:51:38 I hinge Tinder.
    0:51:40 They cannot make money off of the way.
    0:51:44 Like, Hinge, for example, they gate the best-looking people behind microtransactions.
    0:51:45 It’s insane.
    0:51:46 It’s an insane company.
    0:51:50 Apple could very easily just say, we don’t allow you to make money like that.
    0:51:52 Or we put a hard limit on these things.
    0:51:56 We allow these principles, but there is a hard limit on what you can extract from a customer.
    0:51:57 That’s the thing.
    0:52:01 These incentives, trickle-down economics I don’t think really works, but trickle-down incentives do.
    0:52:06 If Apple just said, no, you can’t make money in this manner, they wouldn’t be able to.
    0:52:10 Others would copy, or they would, then theoretically they’d go to Android, sure.
    0:52:12 But it’s a question of, do you want their money?
    0:52:14 And the answer is, yeah, they do.
    0:52:15 They’re happy to.
    0:52:16 They’re really happy to.
    0:52:25 They are happy to take that money, hand over fist, make the GDP of a small country off of people putting money into Clash of Clans or Candy Crush.
    0:52:27 It’s gratuitous.
    0:52:31 There’s the concept of entropic doom.
    0:52:35 And I think what you’re describing is enrotic doom.
    0:52:35 Yes.
    0:52:36 Right?
    0:52:37 When growth takes everything.
    0:52:38 It’s like we’re all doomed to rot.
    0:52:39 Yeah.
    0:52:47 It’s very frustrating because a company like Apple, for example, the Vision Pro, I like it.
    0:52:49 I loved it at times.
    0:52:52 I always describe it as when you put it on and it works, it’s magical.
    0:52:54 But it only works like 20% of the time.
    0:52:56 It’s insanely broken.
    0:53:00 Had they left it a few more years, that would have actually been really good.
    0:53:02 But they rushed it out because the growth had to show something.
    0:53:03 They had to show a new doodad.
    0:53:07 And had they waited, I think it would have been significantly better.
    0:53:09 I think that there is promise there.
    0:53:11 It’s cool watching someone try.
    0:53:12 That’s the thing.
    0:53:13 I love seeing them try.
    0:53:17 But even with the Vision Pro, you can see how they rushed it and they had to rush it.
    0:53:22 And it’s like this erotic entropy.
    0:53:24 It’s too close to erotic for me.
    0:53:26 But you see it crush the life out of joy.
    0:53:29 You see it destroy things that could be cool.
    0:53:31 The Vision Pro could be cool.
    0:53:32 It’s nowhere near there.
    0:53:34 You can see it, though, sometimes.
    0:53:39 And it’s like, goddammit, if you weren’t so rushed, imagine how good this could have been.
    0:53:47 I would say that because of my history with Apple, very few people have had a relationship with Apple like I have.
    0:53:49 I have loved the company.
    0:53:54 And I have to tell you, this is my last question for you because I’m just so curious what you’re going to say.
    0:54:02 What do you think when you see Tim Cook donate a million dollars to the inauguration and is in those pictures on that stage?
    0:54:08 This is like, yeah, he’s doing what’s right so that tariffs against China doesn’t affect him.
    0:54:10 He’s representing the shareholders.
    0:54:12 He’s doing his fiduciary duty.
    0:54:16 Or has he basically sold out?
    0:54:19 How do you wrap your mind around that?
    0:54:20 All of the above.
    0:54:22 Tim Cook’s a gay man.
    0:54:28 The idea of donating to this administration as a gay man, I can’t imagine it was fun or easy.
    0:54:30 It’s also kind of craven.
    0:54:38 I don’t feel any sympathy for someone that rich and powerful, but I can understand the value judgment there must have been really difficult.
    0:54:40 Really, like, quite tough.
    0:54:43 I also think he shouldn’t have done it, but I can understand why he did.
    0:54:45 What was he meant to do?
    0:54:46 It was a shakedown.
    0:54:48 A classic mob shakedown.
    0:54:49 What was he meant to do?
    0:55:00 I do think that Apple as a company is in a better direction than most, but man, when I saw him do that, actually, when the others did it first, I’m like, Tim Cook’s absolutely going to do this.
    0:55:01 And people are saying, he wouldn’t.
    0:55:02 It would go against his morals.
    0:55:04 And it’s like, he’ll do it.
    0:55:06 And it sucks.
    0:55:06 It sucks to see.
    0:55:08 But I think Steve Jobs would have done it.
    0:55:10 I think Steve Jobs would have absolutely done it.
    0:55:11 He would have done it in two seconds.
    0:55:16 And I think that had he survived, had he beaten cancer, he would have been only…
    0:55:25 I think I put him in the same bucket as if John Lennon was still alive, except I think that Jobs was far more noxious, but Lennon would have been more annoying.
    0:55:37 I think that Cook is in, like, this bind where he has to deal with an international concept of trade now on a level that was the reason he took over from Steve Jobs.
    0:55:43 So he had to make this very difficult but necessary choice that sucks, sucks so bad.
    0:55:44 He shouldn’t have done it.
    0:55:44 It sucks.
    0:55:46 But also, I get why he did it.
    0:55:48 Yeah, yeah.
    0:55:54 Listen, on the other hand, Steve Wozniak gave quite a powerful interview, too, right?
    0:55:57 I’m seeing basically the opposite of that.
    0:55:58 What do you mean?
    0:55:59 I didn’t see the Wozniak interview.
    0:56:02 Oh, check out what Wozniak said.
    0:56:06 He was, I think, in Europe, and he gave an interview about…
    0:56:14 Let’s just say the two of you are aligned, not necessarily on Tim Cook, but about how people are taking a knee.
    0:56:24 Wozniak, I met Wozniak a year or two ago, and he gave me hope, mostly because I talked to him about just tech in general.
    0:56:30 We were backstage for a client thing, and we were talking about how Lucid Motors, and he had a problem with a car.
    0:56:33 And then he just turned to me, and he said, you ever hear of iCab?
    0:56:35 I’m like, what’s that, Steve?
    0:56:39 And he goes, it’s an open source web browser that he uses.
    0:56:46 And it was this, like, a 10 euro made by a guy in Germany, I think, this incredibly fast and slick web browser.
    0:56:49 And the way he talked about it, he was so excited.
    0:56:58 And it made me think, it’s like, you see people, these rot economists, like Satya Nadella and Sundar Pashai, you see the people in tech like that, who don’t really care.
    0:57:00 There’s no joy in the computer.
    0:57:02 I’ll never forgive them what they’ve done to the computer.
    0:57:06 And you see someone like Wozniak, you’re like, you know what?
    0:57:13 There are people who work in this industry, even though Wozniak has filed out of it, who do care, and who do find the computer fascinating.
    0:57:16 And they give me hope.
    0:57:20 I believe, genuinely, there are more people like that than there are Elon Musk.
    0:57:23 And I think, long term, they will win out.
    0:57:25 We will win out, too.
    0:57:34 That’s the way to end this podcast, because I think Wozniak is the purest form of engineering I have ever met.
    0:57:35 He is a tinkerer.
    0:57:36 He really is.
    0:57:42 I had never met him, but he seemed so happy to talk about a little web browser.
    0:57:44 And it was so lovely.
    0:57:45 It was so lovely to see.
    0:57:49 This guy didn’t need to do this, like, have a conversation even, but he didn’t need to care about this.
    0:57:52 But he was so happy to share it with someone.
    0:57:55 And it’s just like, it really does give you hope.
    0:57:58 Yeah, I completely agree.
    0:58:02 Let’s end on that high note, Yahoo, for Steve Wozniak.
    0:58:03 Yes, agreed.
    0:58:08 Ed, thank you so much for being on my podcast.
    0:58:11 Let’s just say that you’re making my head explode.
    0:58:17 I’m going to have to reevaluate some of my perspectives and values after this podcast.
    0:58:19 But that’s the whole point of a podcast, right?
    0:58:19 Yeah.
    0:58:22 And I hope you found it interesting.
    0:58:23 I had a great time.
    0:58:23 Thank you for having me.
    0:58:26 Thank you for being on this.
    0:58:27 I’m Guy Kawasaki.
    0:58:29 This is the Remarkable People podcast.
    0:58:32 You’ve been listening to the Remarkable Ed Zitron.
    0:58:36 And lots to think about from this podcast.
    0:58:39 So let me thank the rest of the Remarkable People team.
    0:58:46 It’s Madison Neismar, Tessa Neismar, Shannon Hernandez, and the one and only Jeff C.
    0:58:50 So we’re the Remarkable People team trying to make you remarkable.
    0:58:52 Thank you very much for listening.
    0:58:59 This is Remarkable People.

    Is the tech industry rotting from the inside out? Ed Zitron thinks so. As a PR expert, media critic, and outspoken tech industry commentator, Zitron pulls no punches discussing what he calls the “ROT economy” – where growth at all costs has replaced innovation and customer value. In this brutally honest conversation with Guy Kawasaki, Zitron dissects OpenAI’s unsustainable business model, critiques tech billionaires’ empty pursuit of wealth at the expense of happiness, and challenges the AI hype cycle. From questioning Blue Origin’s all-women space flight to explaining why he refuses clients like Meta and Microsoft, Zitron offers a refreshing counterpoint to Silicon Valley groupthink while advocating for a tech industry that prioritizes workers and customers over shareholder returns.

    Guy Kawasaki is on a mission to make you remarkable. His Remarkable People podcast features interviews with remarkable people such as Jane Goodall, Marc Benioff, Woz, Kristi Yamaguchi, and Bob Cialdini. Every episode will make you more remarkable.

    With his decades of experience in Silicon Valley as a Venture Capitalist and advisor to the top entrepreneurs in the world, Guy’s questions come from a place of curiosity and passion for technology, start-ups, entrepreneurship, and marketing. If you love society and culture, documentaries, and business podcasts, take a second to follow Remarkable People.

    Listeners of the Remarkable People podcast will learn from some of the most successful people in the world with practical tips and inspiring stories that will help you be more remarkable.

    Episodes of Remarkable People organized by topic: https://bit.ly/rptopology

    Listen to Remarkable People here: **https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/guy-kawasakis-remarkable-people/id1483081827**

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  • #227 Outliers: Rose Blumkin — Women of Berkshire Hathaway

    AI transcript
    0:00:04 It’s the 1950s in Omaha.
    0:00:07 Three well-paid Mohawk carpet attorneys square off
    0:00:11 against a 4-foot-10 immigrant widow named Rose Blumpkin.
    0:00:14 They accuse her of one outrageous act,
    0:00:18 selling carpet at prices ordinary people can afford.
    0:00:21 I picture her standing there, adjusting her glasses,
    0:00:25 then telling the judge in a thick Russian accent,
    0:00:28 Judge, I sell everything 10% above cost.
    0:00:31 What’s wrong with giving my customers a good deal?
    0:00:33 I know what it’s like to be poor.
    0:00:34 Silence.
    0:00:36 And then the gavel comes down.
    0:00:38 Case dismissed.
    0:00:43 The next morning, that same judge walks into Rose’s basement store
    0:00:45 and buys $1,400 worth of carpet.
    0:00:49 It’s the first of many miracles at Nebraska Furniture Mart.
    0:00:52 Miracles born of one stubborn motto,
    0:00:55 sell cheap, tell the truth, don’t cheat the customer.
    0:00:59 How did this penniless refugee build a billion-dollar empire?
    0:01:04 And why did Warren Buffett leaders say he’d rather wrestle grizzlies than compete with Miss B?
    0:01:05 Let’s find out.
    0:01:22 Welcome to The Knowledge Project.
    0:01:25 I’m your host, Shane Parrish.
    0:01:26 In a world where knowledge is power,
    0:01:30 this podcast is your toolkit for mastering the best of what other people have already figured out.
    0:01:36 In a world where MBA programs teach complex business strategies
    0:01:38 and consultants sell elaborate frameworks,
    0:01:44 one woman built an empire by taking three simple ideas very seriously.
    0:01:48 Sell cheap, tell the truth, don’t cheat the customer.
    0:01:51 When the world’s greatest investor, Warren Buffett, met Rose Blumpkin,
    0:01:52 he said simply,
    0:01:56 I’d rather wrestle grizzlies than compete with Miss B.
    0:02:00 She arrived in America as a penniless immigrant who couldn’t read English,
    0:02:06 fleeing Russia with just $66 in her purse after lying to a border guard about vodka.
    0:02:10 At 43, at an age when most people settle into their career,
    0:02:14 she borrowed $500 from her brother and opened a furniture store in her basement.
    0:02:17 What followed was extraordinary.
    0:02:21 Although she never spent a day in school and stood just 4’10”,
    0:02:24 Rose could calculate complex carpet measurements instantly in her head,
    0:02:27 beating salesmen with calculators every time.
    0:02:30 She could detect a diluted shipment by touch alone.
    0:02:33 She survived the depression, rebuilt after a devastating fire,
    0:02:37 and when a tornado flattened her store, she built it back bigger.
    0:02:42 Then, at 96 years old, she quit, started a competing business across the street,
    0:02:45 and was so effective her family had to buy her out.
    0:02:50 This is the story of Rose Blumpkin, a woman who revolutionized retail by never forgetting what it
    0:02:51 was like to be poor.
    0:02:57 The research for this episode comes mostly from women of Berkshire and oral history interviews
    0:02:59 with Rose Blumpkin and her daughter, Frances.
    0:03:04 Stick around at the end for my reflections on how her deceptively simple principles
    0:03:07 might transform your own approach to business and life.
    0:03:10 It’s time to listen and learn.
    0:03:16 This podcast is for entertainment purposes only.
    0:03:27 In 1893, in a village near Minsk, Russia, Rose Gorolik was born into a life of modest means.
    0:03:33 Home was a two-room log cabin where she and seven siblings slept on straw mats.
    0:03:36 Her father, a rabbi, devoted himself mostly to religious study
    0:03:39 while her mother supported the family by running a small general store.
    0:03:43 One night, six-year-old Rose awoke to find her mother washing clothes
    0:03:46 and baking bread in the darkness, preparing for the next day.
    0:03:49 Something in that moment crystallized in her mind.
    0:03:52 When I grow up, the little girl told her mother,
    0:03:53 you’re not going to work so hard.
    0:03:54 I can’t stand it.
    0:03:56 The way you work day and night.
    0:03:58 When I grow up, I’m going to get a job.
    0:03:59 I’m going to earn money.
    0:04:01 I’m going to go to America.
    0:04:03 And when I go to America, I’m going to make more money,
    0:04:07 get another job, and send for you and the whole family.
    0:04:13 While boys received education, Rose was absorbing business fundamentals in her mother’s store.
    0:04:18 On an errand to the village shop, she noticed the shopkeeper’s calculation error.
    0:04:22 She told him, Mr. Prost, you made a mistake in one Copic, one cent.
    0:04:24 He responded, just a minute, little girl.
    0:04:25 I’ll redo the addition.
    0:04:28 Sure enough, he said, you know what?
    0:04:28 You’re right.
    0:04:30 I overcharged you one Copic.
    0:04:32 Later at the synagogue, he told everyone,
    0:04:37 here’s a six-year-old child who in her head with speed had the total before I ever had it.
    0:04:40 At 13, Rose made an extraordinary decision.
    0:04:44 With new shoes slung over her shoulder to preserve their souls,
    0:04:49 she walked barefoot, barefoot, for 18 miles to the nearest train station,
    0:04:51 heading to Gomo, 300 miles away.
    0:04:54 Once there, she went door-to-door, seeking work.
    0:04:57 You’re a kid, one store owner said dismissively.
    0:04:59 I’m not a beggar, Rose shot back.
    0:05:04 With just four cents in her pocket, she asked for a place to sleep that night.
    0:05:07 Tomorrow, I go to work, she promised.
    0:05:08 The owner relented.
    0:05:10 Before dawn, she was cleaning the store.
    0:05:15 By 16, she was managing it and supervising six married men.
    0:05:18 In 1914, Rose married Isidore Blumpkin.
    0:05:23 Their wedding feast was just two pounds of rice and two pounds of cookies provided by her mother.
    0:05:28 When World War I erupted, Isidore fled to America to avoid conscription,
    0:05:30 leaving Rose behind for three years.
    0:05:34 In 1917, Rose made her escape without a passport.
    0:05:38 At the Chinese-Siberian border, when confronted by a soldier, she improvised.
    0:05:40 I’m on the way to buy leather for the army.
    0:05:43 When I come back, I’ll bring you a big bottle of vodka.
    0:05:45 I suppose she later laughed.
    0:05:47 He’s still there waiting for his vodka.
    0:05:52 After a six-week voyage on her freighter, she reached Seattle with no entry permit.
    0:05:55 If you were healthy, you got in, she later recalled, and healthy I was.
    0:05:59 She had 200 rubles, about $66 in her purse.
    0:06:03 The Red Cross helped her locate her husband, Isidore, in Fort Dodge, Iowa.
    0:06:08 There, despite the language barrier, she was overwhelmed by the kindness of Americans.
    0:06:21 For many immigrants, this reunion would be the happy ending.
    0:06:23 For Rose Blumpkin, it was just the beginning.
    0:06:30 After a brief stay in Iowa, where their first daughter, Frances, was born, the Blumpkins moved to Omaha, Nebraska.
    0:06:37 There was a large community of Russian and Yiddish speakers there, which Rose hoped would ease her isolation while she struggled to learn English.
    0:06:43 In Omaha, Isidore opened a second-hand clothing store while Rose began running a household with growing children.
    0:06:50 By 1922, they had saved enough to bring Rose’s family over from Russia, her parents, brothers, sisters, and a cousin.
    0:06:54 And they all put down roots in Omaha, several living in the Blumpkin household.
    0:06:56 But then came the Great Depression.
    0:07:00 One day in 1930, Isidore came home from his store distraught.
    0:07:01 We’ll starve to death.
    0:07:02 Nobody walks in.
    0:07:03 What will we do?
    0:07:10 It was at this moment that Rose Blumpkin, homemaker, and mother of four, stepped forward to transform their fortunes.
    0:07:14 You buy a pair of shoes for $3, sell them for $3.30, she told her husband.
    0:07:20 Let’s sell 10% over cost, and I’ll come to the store to help you because I did big business in Russia for my boss, and I knew business.
    0:07:22 And she certainly did.
    0:07:29 As her daughter recalled years later, she had the most wonderful ability for figuring out how to get people into a store.
    0:07:33 Isidore had been selling shotguns because America had a hunting culture.
    0:07:38 But in the Depression, when people were having trouble affording food, no one could afford to buy a shotgun.
    0:07:42 So Rose ran a bold ad in the newspaper, Shotguns for Rent.
    0:07:44 It was $3 and a $25 deposit.
    0:07:47 There was a line around the block the next day.
    0:07:51 She was a natural with an instinct for what the market needed before others saw it.
    0:07:56 If a customer came in and said what they needed in any way, Rose would go get it for them.
    0:07:59 They’d be asking her where to get it, and she’d say, I can get it.
    0:08:01 I can get it for you wholesale.
    0:08:02 I have a wholesale house.
    0:08:03 And she did.
    0:08:05 It was an alley behind her husband’s store.
    0:08:13 And as her daughter recalls, she would go there, take a coat that cost $10, and believe it or not, she might sell it for $11 or $12, not at the retail price.
    0:08:16 The wholesale people were starving, so they were happy to do it.
    0:08:19 Actually, that’s the way she started to become known.
    0:08:22 Wherever she felt she could make even a dime, she would do it.
    0:08:24 No opportunity was too small.
    0:08:25 No customer too insignificant.
    0:08:44 By 1937, Rose had grown tired of the constant gloom of the Depression.
    0:08:50 With a $500 loan from one of her brothers, she opened a basement store beneath Isidore’s shop.
    0:08:52 She called it Nebraska Furniture Mart.
    0:08:58 The same day I opened, February 7th, another furniture store was opening, she recalled.
    0:09:06 They had orchestra music and Hollywood stars, and I only had a three-line want ads because I was poor.
    0:09:08 I did big business.
    0:09:09 I couldn’t get over it.
    0:09:15 It’s worth pausing here to consider something we’ve observed repeatedly in our series on outliers.
    0:09:19 The best people often relish the worst times.
    0:09:23 As John D. Rockefeller said, they feed during the Depressions.
    0:09:27 I think of this as a taste for salt water, that is, an ability to take pain.
    0:09:30 Rose was doing all of this during the Depression.
    0:09:36 Her advantage wasn’t just talent, it was an ability to push through the discomfort that others choose to ignore.
    0:09:43 Rose Blumpkin’s business model was the essence of taking a few simple ideas and taking them seriously.
    0:09:48 Selling 10% above cost, going the extra mile for customers, and growing through volume.
    0:09:53 Or more bluntly in her words, sell cheap, tell the truth, don’t cheat people.
    0:09:55 It’s worth pausing just for a second here.
    0:09:57 Sell cheap, tell the truth, don’t cheat people.
    0:09:59 These are simple ideas.
    0:10:01 They’re so basic that they often get overlooked.
    0:10:05 But Charlie Munger had a rule that works wonders in business, science, and life.
    0:10:09 Take a simple, basic idea and take it very seriously.
    0:10:13 Most mornings, I start my day with a smoothie.
    0:10:16 It’s a secret recipe the kids and I call the Tom Brady.
    0:10:20 I actually shared the full recipe in episode 191 with Dr. Rhonda Patrick.
    0:10:24 One thing that hasn’t changed since then, protein is a must.
    0:10:29 These days, I build my foundation around what Momentus calls the Momentus 3.
    0:10:32 Protein, creatine, and omega-3s.
    0:10:38 I take them daily because they support everything, focus, energy, recovery, and long-term health.
    0:10:42 Most people don’t get enough of any of these things through diet alone.
    0:10:45 What makes Momentus different is their quality.
    0:10:47 Their whey protein isolate is grass-fed.
    0:10:51 Their creatine uses Creopure, the purest form available.
    0:10:55 And their omega-3s are sourced for maximum bioavailability.
    0:10:58 So your body actually uses what you take.
    0:11:02 No fillers, no artificial ingredients, just what your body needs.
    0:11:03 Backed by science.
    0:11:10 Head to livemomentus.com and use code KNOWLEDGEPROJECT for 35% off your first subscription.
    0:11:16 That’s code KNOWLEDGEPROJECT at livemomentus.com for 35% off your first subscription.
    0:11:20 There used to be days I’d open my inbox and feel buried.
    0:11:22 Like I was digging through noise just to find the signal.
    0:11:25 Important messages got lost.
    0:11:26 My focus slipped.
    0:11:29 And I started feeling like I was managing email more than running my business.
    0:11:35 As someone who values productivity above almost anything else, that just wasn’t sustainable.
    0:11:38 Since I’ve switched to NotionMail, everything’s changed.
    0:11:40 NotionMail is the inbox that thinks like you.
    0:11:44 It’s automated, personalized, and flexible to finally work the way that you work.
    0:11:49 With AI that learns what matters to you, it can organize your inbox, label messages, draft
    0:11:51 replies, and even schedule meetings.
    0:11:52 No manual sorting required.
    0:11:55 Now the emails that matter rise to the top.
    0:12:01 I write faster with content blocks and AI prompts that polish or draft replies in seconds.
    0:12:06 And it integrates seamlessly with my Notion workspace, so I have full context right where I need it.
    0:12:10 Plus, Notion is trusted by over half of Fortune 500 companies.
    0:12:15 If those are the people that you’re looking to compete with, start upgrading for free to NotionMail.
    0:12:37 One of the basic ideas Rose is employing is a win-win approach.
    0:12:41 There are four basic permutations of any relationship.
    0:12:44 Win-lose, win-win, lose-lose, and lose-win.
    0:12:48 But only one of these permutations can survive across time.
    0:12:51 We all know what it feels like to be taken advantage of.
    0:12:55 And when we perceive a person or store as taking advantage of us,
    0:12:58 we stop dealing with them at the first moment we can.
    0:13:00 However, when we feel like we’re getting a good deal,
    0:13:03 we develop trust and we want to work with them again and again.
    0:13:07 So, Rose understood the short-term sacrifice of less profit today
    0:13:11 would be more than made up for in volume and customer goodwill that would come later.
    0:13:14 She was playing a long-term game with her customers.
    0:13:17 And the only long-term game across any relationship,
    0:13:20 kids, parents, partners, colleagues, customers, suppliers,
    0:13:22 literally any relationship in your life,
    0:13:24 there’s only one permutation that survives.
    0:13:25 That’s win-win.
    0:13:27 Okay, back to our story.
    0:13:31 During World War II, she appeared not just to a customer’s brain and wallet,
    0:13:33 but also to their heart.
    0:13:36 When a soldier came in looking for a table and chairs for his new family,
    0:13:39 mentioning that his wife just had a baby, but they couldn’t afford a crib,
    0:13:41 Rose didn’t hesitate.
    0:13:43 Because you are going to fight for our country,
    0:13:46 you’re going off to war, I’m going to give you the crib.
    0:13:48 For Rose, it was a natural instinct.
    0:13:50 When a young couple furnished their first apartment,
    0:13:53 seeing what for them was a significant sum,
    0:13:54 Rose would often add,
    0:13:55 you’re renting a new apartment,
    0:13:57 you bought all this from me, you are so nice,
    0:13:59 you came to me to buy, you trust me,
    0:14:01 I’m going to give you a present, a lamp.
    0:14:03 Yet, Rose was nobody’s fool.
    0:14:06 She could spot a freeloader like no one else.
    0:14:08 She’d interrogate customers.
    0:14:09 Now, what do you want?
    0:14:09 Where do you work?
    0:14:11 When can you pay me?
    0:14:13 If satisfied, she’d declare, I trust you.
    0:14:14 Maybe times are hard.
    0:14:15 I know you’re going to pay me.
    0:14:16 And pay they did,
    0:14:17 returning year after year,
    0:14:19 bringing family, friends,
    0:14:19 neighbors,
    0:14:20 even co-workers.
    0:14:23 Rose turned these customers into scouts.
    0:14:24 You want that bedroom set?
    0:14:25 She’d ask.
    0:14:26 Go to the downtown store.
    0:14:28 Tell me exactly what they charge.
    0:14:29 Give me all the numbers.
    0:14:30 They’d return.
    0:14:32 From her competitors’ downtown reporting,
    0:14:35 I saw this Haymarket Wayfield bedroom set,
    0:14:35 and it was $200.
    0:14:38 She’d sell it to them for $100,
    0:14:40 knowing her cost structure gave her that flexibility.
    0:14:42 Word spread like wildfire.
    0:14:45 The massive strategic air command base nearby
    0:14:47 became a powerful source of customers.
    0:14:49 New officers arriving at Omaha would ask,
    0:14:50 where should I buy furniture?
    0:14:52 And invariably here,
    0:14:54 you go to Nebraska Furniture Mart
    0:14:55 and see Miss Blumpkin.
    0:14:57 Her daughter recalls with amazement
    0:14:59 how far this reputation had traveled.
    0:15:03 Lord and Lady Evans from Stratcom came to town.
    0:15:04 He had heard about the store.
    0:15:06 He came in and they had to furnish a house
    0:15:07 and they bought all their furniture.
    0:15:10 Soon they were shipping furniture to Hawaii, Guam,
    0:15:11 even Israel,
    0:15:13 with customers purchasing from Miss B,
    0:15:14 sight unseen,
    0:15:16 based on reputation alone.
    0:15:20 But Rose’s approach made the established
    0:15:21 Omaha retailers furious
    0:15:24 because they weren’t just losing customers,
    0:15:25 they were being exposed.
    0:15:28 Everyday customers were coming in not to buy,
    0:15:29 but to see their prices
    0:15:31 and then heading over to Nebraska Furniture Mart
    0:15:32 to see Miss B.
    0:15:35 When she went to Chicago’s Merchandise Mart
    0:15:36 to buy furniture wholesale,
    0:15:40 she encountered the full force of entrenched interests,
    0:15:41 such as Brandeis and Rogers,
    0:15:44 huge department store competitors at the time.
    0:15:46 The merchants were very rotten to me, she recalled.
    0:15:47 When I walked in,
    0:15:49 Merchandise Mart to buy furniture,
    0:15:50 they used to kick me out and say,
    0:15:51 don’t bother us,
    0:15:53 we’re not going to sell to you, nothing.
    0:15:56 Brandeis and Rogers won’t let us sell you anything.
    0:15:59 Her face would redden with anger and humiliation.
    0:16:01 But then she would make a promise to herself,
    0:16:04 someday you’ll come to my store and try to sell to me
    0:16:07 and I’ll kick you out the same way that you did to me.
    0:16:09 Then she would add,
    0:16:10 with quiet satisfaction years later,
    0:16:12 and my wish came true.
    0:16:14 With the wholesale route blocked,
    0:16:15 Rose got creative.
    0:16:17 She found retailers in other cities
    0:16:20 willing to sell to her just at above their cost.
    0:16:22 She managed to convince Marshall Fields
    0:16:25 to sell her carpet wholesale at $3 per yard.
    0:16:27 She resold it for $3.95,
    0:16:32 while competitors charged $7.95 for the identical carpet.
    0:16:34 They called her a bootlegger for these tactics.
    0:16:36 You bet ya, she would reply,
    0:16:38 I’m the best bootlegger in town.
    0:16:41 It was after this bootlegger incident
    0:16:42 that she was hauled into court
    0:16:44 by the three lawyers from Mohawk Carpet,
    0:16:47 who sued her for what they called unfair trade practices.
    0:16:50 Rose made her case to the judge saying,
    0:16:52 Judge, I sell everything, 10% above cost.
    0:16:53 What’s wrong?
    0:16:55 Can I give my customers a good deal?
    0:16:57 The judge threw the case out immediately
    0:16:59 and came by her store the next day,
    0:17:01 buying $1,400 worth of carpet.
    0:17:03 The publicity she got from this trial
    0:17:05 was worth more than anything she could have paid for.
    0:17:10 The 1950s and the Korean War brought new challenges
    0:17:12 as sales slowed and the bills added up,
    0:17:14 but Rose refused to fold.
    0:17:15 She came up with a bold idea.
    0:17:16 She said, I’m going to rent
    0:17:19 the downtown Omaha City Auditorium.
    0:17:21 I’m gonna take all the furniture out of my store
    0:17:22 and we’re gonna hold a three-day sale.
    0:17:25 The big store competitors actually went to the city
    0:17:27 and said she couldn’t do this.
    0:17:30 They asked the city not to rent to her.
    0:17:33 The city ignored them and rented to her anyways.
    0:17:37 She cleared $250,000 in revenue in three days,
    0:17:39 which allowed her to pay all of her bills
    0:17:41 and finally stopped her from having to sell the furniture
    0:17:43 from her own house.
    0:17:47 This more than anything is what Rose says put her in business.
    0:17:49 Now, what’s instructive here
    0:17:51 is Rose’s response to obstacles.
    0:17:52 She doesn’t break.
    0:17:55 When conventional channels were closed for her,
    0:17:56 she didn’t complain about the unfairness,
    0:17:58 she found alternative paths.
    0:18:01 When established players tried to use their power to crush her,
    0:18:04 she turned their attacks into opportunities for publicity.
    0:18:07 Each attempt to constrain her became an opportunity.
    0:18:10 This pattern repeats throughout business history.
    0:18:13 Outliers don’t waste energy fighting the existing system
    0:18:15 on its own terms.
    0:18:23 That same year brought personal tragedy when her husband Isidore died of a heart attack
    0:18:25 after 36 years of marriage.
    0:18:28 Rose would be a widow for the next 48 years,
    0:18:31 channeling all of her energy into her business.
    0:18:35 While Nebraska Furniture Mart legend centers on Rose’s indomitable spirit,
    0:18:40 Their daughter, Frances, reveals how Isidore quietly shaped the store’s customer service philosophy.
    0:18:42 My father was really a teacher.
    0:18:43 He said,
    0:18:45 No matter what happens, you smile.
    0:18:45 We need the customer.
    0:18:46 They don’t need us.
    0:18:47 They can go to our competition.
    0:18:50 We have to do something to keep them here.
    0:18:55 This immigrant couple who survived revolution, separation, and poverty
    0:18:59 created a business approach based on lived experience.
    0:19:03 They knew firsthand that every dollar mattered to their customers
    0:19:06 because every dollar had once mattered desperately to them.
    0:19:09 Their son, Louis, joined after the war in 1945,
    0:19:12 providing a calming balance to Rose’s quick temper.
    0:19:16 He would often hire back employees she just had fired.
    0:19:20 By the mid-1950s, Rose could have retired comfortably.
    0:19:25 Instead, at an age when most conclude careers, she was just hitting her stride.
    0:19:29 Work, as one sales associate put it, was her narcotic.
    0:19:32 Rose had the eye of a detective.
    0:19:35 Her attention to detail was extraordinary.
    0:19:37 Every morning, she would inspect shipments personally,
    0:19:42 not just looking at carpet, but feeling the texture and the weight.
    0:19:45 Once her trained fingers detected something off in a major shipment,
    0:19:48 this is not the weight I bought, she declared.
    0:19:49 I bought so many ounces.
    0:19:51 This is not the correct weight.
    0:19:52 She wasn’t using a scale.
    0:19:54 The manufacturer confirmed her assessment,
    0:19:59 uncovering an astonishingly large criminal operation at the mill
    0:20:01 where workers were stealing yarn, diluting quality,
    0:20:02 and pocketing the difference.
    0:20:05 An entire fraud operation was exposed,
    0:20:08 not by auditors or quality control systems,
    0:20:11 but by a woman who couldn’t read English yet,
    0:20:14 and she could feel the absence of a few ounces of wool
    0:20:16 across hundreds of square yards of carpet.
    0:20:18 As Buffett would later observe,
    0:20:21 this wasn’t business acumen you could learn at Harvard.
    0:20:26 What’s instructive here is how Rose maintained hands-on product knowledge,
    0:20:27 even as her business group.
    0:20:32 Many organizations separate senior leadership from direct product experience,
    0:20:35 but Rose understood that quality control wasn’t a department,
    0:20:38 it was a personal responsibility that couldn’t be delegated.
    0:20:41 The Blumpkin partnership also reveals the strength
    0:20:43 of having the right partner or co-pilot.
    0:20:46 While Rose had a commercial intuition and fighting spirit,
    0:20:51 Isidore provided the steady foundation of customer psychology and support.
    0:20:54 A poor partner silently sabotages everything,
    0:20:56 while a strong one amplifies your impact.
    0:21:01 In August of 1961, disaster struck when a three-alarm fire
    0:21:04 destroyed half of the Nebraska furniture market.
    0:21:07 Now, an ordinary business would have closed for weeks.
    0:21:08 The damage was severe.
    0:21:11 The roof was completely open to the elements.
    0:21:13 But Rose wouldn’t hear of it.
    0:21:15 We’re opening tomorrow, she declared.
    0:21:17 She mobilized every family member who could walk.
    0:21:19 And once they had organized what remained,
    0:21:20 she announced,
    0:21:22 we’re going to have the biggest fire cell.
    0:21:24 We’re going to tell the customers the truth.
    0:21:26 All this furniture downtown was in the fire.
    0:21:27 If you want to buy it, buy it.
    0:21:29 People lined up by the hundreds.
    0:21:32 Adversity meant nothing to Rose Blumpkin.
    0:21:33 According to her daughter,
    0:21:34 my mother always says,
    0:21:36 I’ve been through a revolution.
    0:21:37 I’ve been through a war.
    0:21:38 I survived that.
    0:21:39 I’ll survive this.
    0:21:39 Then she said,
    0:21:41 we’ll just start again.
    0:21:41 That’s all.
    0:21:45 A normal individual would sit down and cry and say,
    0:21:46 what am I going to do?
    0:21:47 But not my mother.
    0:21:52 So grateful was Rose to the firefighters who saved what they could save,
    0:21:55 that she gave a television set to every fire station in the city.
    0:22:00 A gesture that was both genuinely appreciative and strategically generated a lot of goodwill.
    0:22:01 14 years later,
    0:22:02 14 years later,
    0:22:03 in May 1975,
    0:22:08 catastrophe returned again when a tornado cut a quarter mile path through Omaha,
    0:22:12 leveling an entire Nebraska furniture mart building and warehouse.
    0:22:13 Yet again,
    0:22:16 Rose turned disaster into opportunity.
    0:22:19 The other location saw an increase in business as a result,
    0:22:23 and they rebuilt the destroyed store on an even grander scale.
    0:22:24 You know,
    0:22:28 what separates outliers from others isn’t the absence of setbacks,
    0:22:30 it’s how they respond to them.
    0:22:34 Rose’s approach to catastrophe demonstrates a mindset we see repeatedly,
    0:22:36 viewing disasters not as endings,
    0:22:38 but as forced opportunities for reinvention.
    0:22:43 She understood intuitively that customers respond to transparency and authenticity,
    0:22:45 or even,
    0:22:46 perhaps especially,
    0:22:47 during a crisis.
    0:22:50 By immediately announcing a fire sale rather than hiding the damage,
    0:22:56 she transformed potential ruin into a marketing opportunity that deepened customer trust.
    0:23:00 Rose possessed an extraordinary talent for judging character.
    0:23:05 Just as she understood customers’ needs and how to draw them into a store,
    0:23:08 she naturally identified great talent for Nebraska furniture mart.
    0:23:10 When she found a good worker,
    0:23:13 she viewed their entire family as potential assets.
    0:23:14 Miss Tusha,
    0:23:15 I know your family,
    0:23:17 she said when approached about a son needing summer work.
    0:23:19 If you tell me you’ve got a good boy,
    0:23:19 send him in.
    0:23:20 One employee,
    0:23:21 Mr. Watson,
    0:23:25 became legendary because all eight of his children eventually worked at the mart,
    0:23:28 creating a mini dynasty of retail talent under Rose’s cultivation,
    0:23:32 Nebraska furniture mart’s version of succession planning,
    0:23:33 family by family.
    0:23:34 Her standards,
    0:23:35 however,
    0:23:37 were unreasonable and inflexible.
    0:23:40 Character was the only currency that mattered.
    0:23:41 If an employee ignored a customer,
    0:23:44 Rose would materialize out of nowhere with her verdict.
    0:23:45 This is not for you.
    0:23:47 No second chances,
    0:23:49 no performance improvement plans,
    0:23:51 and Rose’s world customer focus wasn’t taught.
    0:23:53 It was either innate or absent.
    0:23:56 Rose subverted conventional hiring wisdom.
    0:23:58 When a college graduate sought employment,
    0:23:59 her response was deadpan.
    0:24:01 I won’t hold it against you.
    0:24:04 She looked past the credentials straight to the character,
    0:24:06 preferring street smarts over book learning,
    0:24:07 hustle over pedigree.
    0:24:09 She would also study shoppers,
    0:24:10 their questions,
    0:24:11 demeanor,
    0:24:12 and sincerity,
    0:24:14 and occasionally making an unexpected pivot.
    0:24:15 You know something?
    0:24:16 I like the questions you ask me.
    0:24:17 How would you like a job?
    0:24:21 A woman might enter seeking a bedroom set within a tight budget,
    0:24:23 and leave with a position in sales.
    0:24:26 Rose had inverted the entire interview process,
    0:24:27 observing people in their natural state,
    0:24:29 rather than the rehearsed interview persona.
    0:24:32 Even with her children’s friends who distribute a flyer,
    0:24:34 she tracked performance meticulously.
    0:24:36 Don’t ever bring little Johnny to me again.
    0:24:39 He took the flyers and threw them in the sewers,
    0:24:39 she declared.
    0:24:41 He can never work for me again.
    0:24:42 The message was clear.
    0:24:45 Character reveals itself in the smallest actions.
    0:24:50 What’s worth pointing out here is how high her standards were.
    0:24:51 From the outside looking in,
    0:24:53 it kind of looks crazy,
    0:24:54 however it works.
    0:24:57 We grow up with a set of standards and belief that become our norm,
    0:25:01 and it takes outliers with their unreasonably high standards
    0:25:03 to show us what’s possible.
    0:25:11 A 1977 newspaper profile captured her single-minded focus
    0:25:13 better than any words I can write.
    0:25:14 Here’s how it goes.
    0:25:17 Favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon?
    0:25:19 Visit with my customers at my store.
    0:25:21 Favorite thing to do on a nice evening?
    0:25:25 Drive around to check the competition and plan my next attack.
    0:25:28 Favorite movie or book in the last year?
    0:25:29 Too busy.
    0:25:30 Don’t have time.
    0:25:31 Favorite place?
    0:25:32 My stores.
    0:25:36 By the late 1970s, Rose was in her 80s.
    0:25:39 While her body slowed, her mental acuity remained extraordinary.
    0:25:43 Unable to walk the vast expanse of her main store,
    0:25:45 which now covered three square city blocks,
    0:25:46 on two floors,
    0:25:49 she began driving a motorized cart through the aisles.
    0:25:52 Her mathematical abilities bordered on supernatural.
    0:25:54 She couldn’t read or write English,
    0:25:58 but she could perform complex calculations instantly in her head.
    0:26:01 Her grandson, Larry Batt, recalled at one point,
    0:26:03 where a price was about to be decided,
    0:26:06 a race would commence between her and a salesman with a calculator.
    0:26:08 The salesman always lost.
    0:26:15 In 1990, on ABC’s 2020, a reporter tested this ability as Rose zoomed around her scooter.
    0:26:18 Say the carpet’s $12.95 a yard, and I want 30 yards.
    0:26:19 How much is that?
    0:26:22 $3.90, Rose replied in less than a second.
    0:26:24 And if my room is 12 by 14, how many?
    0:26:27 19 yards, she answered before he could finish.
    0:26:30 She was 96 years old during that interview.
    0:26:33 Her mental sharpness was matched by physical resilience.
    0:26:37 At 97, she drove her cart into a metal post and broke her ankle,
    0:26:41 but didn’t seek medical attention until the next day when she couldn’t stand up.
    0:26:42 It was just a crack.
    0:26:44 It didn’t hurt, she explained.
    0:26:46 She returned to work the following day.
    0:26:49 Fires, tornadoes, broken bones.
    0:26:50 Nothing could get Ms. B down.
    0:26:52 She was relentless.
    0:26:57 This extreme work ethic both inspired and intimidated those around her.
    0:27:01 When Warren Buffett quipped at a Berkshire Hathaway meeting that
    0:27:03 he’d like to introduce Berkshire Hathaway’s managers,
    0:27:07 except Ms. B couldn’t take the time off for foolishness like a shareholders meeting,
    0:27:08 he was only half joking.
    0:27:11 The lesson here is simple.
    0:27:13 Focus is a superpower.
    0:27:16 In an age of fractured attention and constant distraction,
    0:27:22 Rose’s singular focus on her business created a depth of experience that her competitors couldn’t match.
    0:27:25 Scattered energy destroys impact.
    0:27:27 Discipline focus multiplies it.
    0:27:31 Most people drift between multiple priorities, never fully committing.
    0:27:35 She wasn’t just present in her business, she was immersed in it,
    0:27:39 creating an advantage that manifested in everything from pricing to quality control.
    0:27:44 Warren Buffett had known of Nebraska Furniture Merck for many years.
    0:27:49 A lifelong Omaha resident, he admired the Blumpkins’ business savvy from afar.
    0:27:53 In the late 1960s, he actually offered $7 million for the store,
    0:27:56 an offer Rose dismissed immediately calling him cheap.
    0:28:01 But on his 53rd birthday in 1983, Buffett returned with a new proposal,
    0:28:04 $60 million for 90% of the company.
    0:28:05 This time, Rose accepted.
    0:28:09 What follows was characteristically unconventional.
    0:28:10 They shook hands on the deal.
    0:28:13 No lawyers, no audit, no inventory count.
    0:28:16 They later put their agreement in writing in a one-page document.
    0:28:20 The document mainly states that we shook hands, Buffett explained.
    0:28:23 If she ran a popcorn stand, I’d want to be in business with her.
    0:28:27 What did Buffett see in Rose’s operation that others missed?
    0:28:31 Later, Buffett would elaborate on what he saw in Miss B’s business.
    0:28:34 I’d rather wrestle Grizzlies than compete with Miss B.
    0:28:36 They buy brilliantly.
    0:28:40 They operate at expense ratios competitors don’t even dream about.
    0:28:42 And they pass that on to the customers.
    0:28:46 It’s the ideal business, one built upon exceptional value to the customer,
    0:28:50 that in turn translates into exceptional economics for its owners.
    0:28:53 He would elaborate a little bit more on this later.
    0:28:56 First of all, A, she’s just plain smart.
    0:28:58 B, she’s a fierce competitor.
    0:29:00 C, she’s a tireless worker.
    0:29:02 And D, she has a realistic attitude.
    0:29:06 The deal embodied Buffett’s investment philosophy perfectly.
    0:29:10 A simple business with honest management, sustainable competitive advantage,
    0:29:12 and outstanding economics.
    0:29:15 Nebraska Furniture Mart had all three in abundance.
    0:29:21 For Rose then nearing 90, the sale was a way to avoid family conflict after her death.
    0:29:25 She split the proceeds five ways between her four children and herself.
    0:29:28 Her son, Louis, and his family subsequently bought back 10%,
    0:29:31 making Berkshire’s final purchase price about $55 million.
    0:29:34 In a press conference announcing the deal,
    0:29:38 Rose called Mr. Buffett my hero alongside the middle class and the immigrants.
    0:29:39 He’s a genius.
    0:29:41 I respect him a lot.
    0:29:44 He’s very honest, very plain, and his word is as good as gold.
    0:29:47 I think there’s not another one in the city who is so gentle,
    0:29:49 so nice, so honest, and so friendly.
    0:29:53 This partnership between two utterly different personalities,
    0:29:57 the university-educated investor from a comfortable middle-class background,
    0:30:00 and the self-taught immigrant who couldn’t read English,
    0:30:03 represents something profound about American business.
    0:30:08 Despite their contrasting past, they recognized in each other the same fundamental values,
    0:30:10 honesty, focus on customer value,
    0:30:15 and an ability to cut through the complexity to the essential truth of a business proposition.
    0:30:21 One thing that’s interesting here is how both Rose and Buffett prioritize character over credentials.
    0:30:25 Buffett would later elaborate on the three things that he looks for in a person.
    0:30:28 He would say, intelligence, energy, and integrity.
    0:30:30 And Miss B had all three in spades.
    0:30:32 Their handshake deal wasn’t reckless.
    0:30:35 It was built on mutual recognition of integrity.
    0:30:40 The business world often substitutes complex legal agreements for genuine trust.
    0:30:44 But as I tell my kids, there’s no such thing as a good deal with someone you can’t trust.
    0:30:46 You can’t make a good deal with a bad person.
    0:30:50 When character is the foundation, trust becomes possible.
    0:30:57 In May 1989, a workplace dispute led to one of the most remarkable second acts in American business history.
    0:31:03 Rose, then 96, had a disagreement with her grandson who had taken over daily operations from their father.
    0:31:09 Rose walked out of the store telling reporters she might be the first 96-year-old woman to start a business.
    0:31:13 After briefly considering retirement, she opened Miss B’s warehouse
    0:31:18 in a converted grocery distribution center directly across the street from the Nebraska Furniture Mart.
    0:31:24 When ABC’s 2020 asked if she would ever retire, her answer was unequivocal.
    0:31:28 No, I love to be with people and my customers are so wonderful people.
    0:31:32 Asked if she would like to see Nebraska Furniture Mart go out of business,
    0:31:35 her response was characteristically blunt.
    0:31:36 I would.
    0:31:38 It should go up in smoke.
    0:31:40 I like they should go down to hell.
    0:31:44 The shocking statement captured Rose’s black and white worldview.
    0:31:50 There were no gray areas for her, only right and wrong, good and bad, friends and enemies.
    0:31:54 As Buffett observed, everything Miss B knew how to do, she would do fast.
    0:31:55 She didn’t hesitate.
    0:31:56 There was no second guessing.
    0:32:00 She’d buy 5,000 tables or sign a 30-year lease or buy real estate or hire people.
    0:32:02 There was no looking back.
    0:32:03 She just swung.
    0:32:06 Fortunately, the family rift eventually healed.
    0:32:12 In 1991, on her 98th birthday, Buffett brought roses and chocolates to Rose at her new workplace,
    0:32:13 ending their two-year silence.
    0:32:16 He’s a real gentleman, she conceded.
    0:32:23 By 1993, at age 99, she had reconciled with her grandsons and sold Miss B’s Warehouse back
    0:32:26 to Nebraska Furniture Mart for $4.94 million.
    0:32:33 This time, Buffett made sure she signed a non-compete agreement lasting five years beyond her separation
    0:32:33 from the company.
    0:32:36 I thought she might go on forever, Buffett explained.
    0:32:39 I needed five years beyond forever with her.
    0:32:41 Rose admitted, maybe I was wrong.
    0:32:42 Maybe I was too hard on them.
    0:32:43 I’m very independent.
    0:32:46 If things aren’t run the way I want it, I don’t like it.
    0:32:46 I get mad.
    0:32:52 What’s remarkable about this episode isn’t just the audacity of starting a competing business
    0:32:58 at 96 and wanting to drive your kids and grandkids out of business, but how it reveals Rose’s
    0:33:00 unwavering commitment to principle.
    0:33:05 Most people soften their standards as they age, making compromises in the name of harmony,
    0:33:06 not Rose.
    0:33:10 She did not optimize her life around what other people thought of her.
    0:33:12 Her outrage wasn’t about carpet pricing.
    0:33:15 It was about violating a core belief that had guided her for decades.
    0:33:21 Rose Blumpkin’s story offers us something increasingly rare in business narratives.
    0:33:23 absolute clarity of purpose.
    0:33:28 In our era of complex strategies, elaborate frameworks, and disruption-obsessed startups,
    0:33:32 Ms. B’s approach feels almost revolutionary in its simplicity.
    0:33:35 Sell cheap, tell the truth, don’t cheat the customer.
    0:33:37 Three principles she took deadly serious.
    0:33:42 She began with just $500 in a basement, couldn’t read English, survived a fire that destroyed half
    0:33:48 of her store, rebuilt after a tornado flattened it entirely, and at 96 started a competing business
    0:33:49 just to prove a point.
    0:33:52 Through it all, her principles never wavered.
    0:33:55 Charlie Munger once observed, to get what you want, you have to deserve what you want.
    0:33:59 The world is not yet crazy enough place to reward a whole bunch of undeserving people.
    0:34:05 Rose Blumpkin deserved her success because she created genuine value for her customers every
    0:34:07 single day of her 80-year career.
    0:34:09 She didn’t just claim to put them first.
    0:34:13 She proved it with every transaction, every decision, and every interaction.
    0:34:17 Researching this story, I was struck by how she described her customers.
    0:34:19 She never said they bought from her.
    0:34:21 Instead, she repeatedly said they loaned her money.
    0:34:24 This subtle phrasing reveals her unique perspective.
    0:34:29 Transactions weren’t mere exchanges, but relationships built on trust and obligation.
    0:34:35 Her customers were investing in her, and she felt obligated to give them a return on that investment.
    0:34:38 Remember how Rose navigated obstacles.
    0:34:41 When wholesalers wouldn’t sell to her, she became the best bootlegger in town.
    0:34:45 When competitors sued her, she turned the publicity into increased sales.
    0:34:49 When catastrophe struck, she reopened immediately rather than waiting.
    0:34:53 When she lacked formal education, she relied on her mathematical brilliance.
    0:34:57 When she could no longer walk her store, she zoomed through it on a motorized cart.
    0:35:01 With each challenge, she demonstrated the advantages of bouncing and not breaking.
    0:35:09 Today, Nebraska Furniture Mart spans 77 acres in Omaha with a million square feet of retail
    0:35:10 and warehouse space.
    0:35:13 The company has expanded to Iowa, Kansas, and Texas.
    0:35:15 Miss B’s likeness appears throughout the stores.
    0:35:18 And her grandson, Robert Batt, says simply,
    0:35:22 My grandmother is still the front man of Nebraska Furniture Mart.
    0:35:23 She’s the symbol of the company.
    0:35:27 Rose Blumpkin’s lifespan from Tsarist Russia to the digital age.
    0:35:30 She witnessed two world wars, survived the Great Depression,
    0:35:33 and saw the complete transformation of the retail industry.
    0:35:36 Through it all, she remained steadfast in her core beliefs.
    0:35:39 If you want to work hard and tell the truth and sell cheap,
    0:35:40 she said near the end of her life,
    0:35:42 you can make a success.
    0:35:45 Anybody who lies and cheats around people don’t get anywhere.
    0:35:49 In our complex age, there’s something profoundly refreshing about such clarity.
    0:35:52 That’s the greatest lesson from this immigrant who built an empire.
    0:35:55 Success doesn’t just have to be complicated.
    0:35:56 It just has to be earned.
    0:35:59 And when Warren Buffett, the world’s greatest investor,
    0:36:01 was asked about Rose after her death,
    0:36:02 he said simply,
    0:36:03 We were partners.
    0:36:06 And in most ways, she was the senior partner.
    0:36:08 She’s forgotten more than I’ll ever know.
    0:36:17 Okay, let’s talk about a few afterthoughts before we get into the lessons here.
    0:36:19 One, what a force.
    0:36:21 Rose was unstoppable.
    0:36:24 In fact, she reminds me a lot of Estee Lauder.
    0:36:27 Remember the story when she went to Chicago’s Merchandise Mart,
    0:36:29 and they refused to sell to her
    0:36:32 because her competitors were telling the wholesalers not to sell to her.
    0:36:33 And she’s like,
    0:36:37 One day, you’ll come in my store, and I will refuse to sell to you.
    0:36:41 And it’s that sort of chip that just stays with you.
    0:36:44 And it reminded me of the Estee Lauder story.
    0:36:46 Remember at the beginning in 218,
    0:36:49 where she asked the woman where she got the blouse,
    0:36:51 and the woman responded with,
    0:36:52 It doesn’t matter.
    0:36:53 You’ll never be able to afford it.
    0:36:55 And in both cases,
    0:36:58 these remarkable women turn that slight into fuel.
    0:37:01 The fuel that puts a chip on your shoulder,
    0:37:02 the fuel that never burns out.
    0:37:05 For anybody who’s ever been discounted,
    0:37:08 anybody who’s ever felt a chip on their shoulder,
    0:37:11 anybody who’s ever been overlooked or slighted,
    0:37:12 they remember these things.
    0:37:14 And that fuel never goes out.
    0:37:15 And the fuel,
    0:37:17 people say you shouldn’t be driven by this,
    0:37:19 but it really drives a lot of outliers.
    0:37:20 You think of Tom Brady.
    0:37:23 Tom Brady is one of my favorite examples of this.
    0:37:26 And he has so many of these sort of like little moments,
    0:37:27 these little slights.
    0:37:29 So Tom Brady,
    0:37:31 it’s his senior year.
    0:37:32 It’s Autograph Day.
    0:37:33 There’s this kid,
    0:37:34 Drew Hudson,
    0:37:35 I think his name was,
    0:37:37 that they brought on to play after Tom Brady.
    0:37:41 And Drew was like this all-American,
    0:37:42 five-star recruit.
    0:37:45 Everybody wanted Drew to be successful.
    0:37:49 And Tom Brady is just like overlooked.
    0:37:51 He’s just the placeholder until Drew can start.
    0:37:53 But on Autograph Day,
    0:37:55 Tom Brady’s standing in this tunnel.
    0:37:59 And he’s watching the lineup of people.
    0:38:02 And they’re all lined up for Drew.
    0:38:03 They all want Drew’s signature.
    0:38:06 Drew hasn’t done anything at this point.
    0:38:09 And Brady’s just standing there watching all these people.
    0:38:10 And he’s seething.
    0:38:13 It’s like burning inside of him.
    0:38:14 And his friend’s like,
    0:38:14 come on, let’s go.
    0:38:15 And Brady says,
    0:38:17 no, I want to watch this.
    0:38:19 And he just stands there and watches.
    0:38:21 And it gets etched into his mind.
    0:38:21 And then, you know,
    0:38:22 he gets drafted.
    0:38:23 What was it?
    0:38:24 96 overall.
    0:38:27 And every one of these slights,
    0:38:30 you bet your bottom dollar he remembers.
    0:38:31 And it fueled him.
    0:38:33 And when he didn’t want to work out,
    0:38:34 he thought about it.
    0:38:35 When he didn’t want to get out of bed and practice,
    0:38:36 he thought about it.
    0:38:38 And when he had a bad game,
    0:38:39 he thought about it.
    0:38:41 And it fueled him and pushed him further.
    0:38:43 Michael Jordan was the exact same way.
    0:38:47 He would even antagonize his opponents
    0:38:48 into saying something
    0:38:51 or manufacture things that they did say
    0:38:52 if they wouldn’t say anything
    0:38:55 just to give him an extra edge.
    0:38:57 I think it’s worth thinking about that stuff.
    0:38:59 And you have to think about
    0:39:01 the episode I did with Brent Beshore,
    0:39:03 whether this is dirty fuel
    0:39:06 or clean fuel for you and your situation.
    0:39:08 But it’s definitely something
    0:39:08 that I think about a lot.
    0:39:12 Okay, let’s get into some of the lessons
    0:39:14 we can take away from Rose Bumpkin.
    0:39:17 Number one, a taste for salt water.
    0:39:18 What separates exceptional people
    0:39:21 is their capacity to endure discomfort.
    0:39:23 Rose walked barefoot for 18 miles
    0:39:26 at the age of 13 to save her only pair of shoes.
    0:39:28 Later, she opened a furniture store
    0:39:29 during a depression.
    0:39:32 She rebuilt after a fire gutted half of her building.
    0:39:34 She came to work the day
    0:39:36 after breaking her ankle at 97.
    0:39:38 Most people avoid pain.
    0:39:40 Outliers work through it.
    0:39:42 Number two, high agency.
    0:39:44 Most people see circumstances as fixed.
    0:39:46 High agency people see them as variables.
    0:39:48 When depression era customers
    0:39:49 couldn’t afford shotguns,
    0:39:51 Rose didn’t complain about the economy.
    0:39:53 She created a rental program overnight.
    0:39:55 The line stretched around the block
    0:39:55 the next morning.
    0:39:58 High agency isn’t magical thinking.
    0:40:01 It’s the refusal to accept artificial constraints.
    0:40:04 Three, bias towards action.
    0:40:07 While average performers wait for perfect conditions,
    0:40:08 exceptional ones create momentum
    0:40:10 through immediate action.
    0:40:11 After a devastating fire,
    0:40:13 Rose didn’t wait for the dust to settle.
    0:40:14 Instead, she said,
    0:40:15 we’re opening tomorrow
    0:40:19 and turned that disaster into a successful sale.
    0:40:21 When business slowed during the Korean War,
    0:40:23 she rented the city auditorium
    0:40:27 and cleared $250,000 in a three-day sale.
    0:40:31 Action creates options that passivity never discovers.
    0:40:34 When wholesalers refused to sell to Rose
    0:40:35 calling her bootlegger,
    0:40:36 she embraced it.
    0:40:36 You betcha,
    0:40:38 and I’m the best bootlegger in town.
    0:40:40 And she found backdoor suppliers.
    0:40:41 When competitors sued her,
    0:40:44 she turned the courtroom into free advertising.
    0:40:46 Resilience isn’t about avoiding knockdowns.
    0:40:49 It’s about how you use them as launching pads.
    0:40:51 Five, dark hours.
    0:40:54 Excellence happens when nobody’s watching.
    0:40:58 Rose cleaned stores before dawn as a teenager.
    0:41:01 She inspected every carpet shipment personally into her 90s.
    0:41:04 Remember, she detected yarn theft at a mill supplier
    0:41:06 just by feeling the carpet,
    0:41:07 and it was slightly underweight.
    0:41:09 The public sees the outcome,
    0:41:10 but never the work.
    0:41:13 Six, your reputation is the room.
    0:41:15 Rose understood that your reputation creates opportunities
    0:41:18 before you even enter the conversation.
    0:41:21 Military officers stationed across the world
    0:41:22 would buy furniture unseen
    0:41:24 because Miss B doesn’t lie.
    0:41:27 A judge who ruled in her favor bought carpet the next day.
    0:41:29 Your reputation isn’t what you claim.
    0:41:31 Rather, it’s the collective experience
    0:41:32 that others have of you,
    0:41:35 and it determines which rooms you walk into.
    0:41:38 Seven, choose the right co-pilot.
    0:41:40 Partnerships are forced multipliers.
    0:41:42 Isidore balanced Rose’s intensity
    0:41:44 with steady customer service principles.
    0:41:47 Warren Buffett bought her business on a handshake
    0:41:47 with no audit
    0:41:50 because character recognition works both ways.
    0:41:53 The right partners don’t just add to your strengths,
    0:41:54 they compensate for your weaknesses
    0:41:56 while amplifying your impact.
    0:41:58 Eight, it takes what it takes.
    0:42:00 Every exceptional achievement
    0:42:02 has a non-negotiable price.
    0:42:07 Rose worked 12-hour days from 13 until 103,
    0:42:09 calling her work her narcotic.
    0:42:12 At a luncheon honoring her,
    0:42:15 she stood up at 1.15 and announced,
    0:42:16 what’s wrong with you people?
    0:42:17 Don’t you have jobs?
    0:42:18 I’m going back to work.
    0:42:21 Ordinary results come from ordinary effort.
    0:42:24 Extraordinary results demand unreasonable commitment.
    0:42:27 Number nine, focus is a superpower.
    0:42:29 In today’s fractured attention economy,
    0:42:31 Rose’s single-minded concentration
    0:42:32 would be her greatest advantage.
    0:42:35 She had one tab open, her business,
    0:42:37 while her competitors scattered their attention
    0:42:38 across multiple priorities.
    0:42:41 This wasn’t mere workaholism,
    0:42:43 it was the elimination of distractions,
    0:42:45 creating depth of knowledge
    0:42:47 that no competitor could match.
    0:42:49 Simple scales, fancy fails.
    0:42:52 Rose’s entire business philosophy
    0:42:53 fit on an index card.
    0:42:54 Sell cheap, tell the truth,
    0:42:56 don’t cheat the customers.
    0:42:58 While competitors built complex systems
    0:42:59 and layers of management,
    0:43:01 her straightforward approach
    0:43:02 eliminated friction.
    0:43:04 Complex businesses move slowly,
    0:43:07 simple ones can scale with less overhead
    0:43:08 and fewer bottlenecks.
    0:43:10 I hope you really enjoyed
    0:43:11 learning about Rose Blumpkin.
    0:43:13 She’s a tremendous force,
    0:43:14 a great story,
    0:43:15 and I hope she inspires you
    0:43:17 as much as she inspired me.
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    0:44:12 Until next time.

    Rose Blumkin didn’t just build a business. She revolutionized retail. After fleeing Russia with $66 in her purse, she opened a basement furniture store in Omaha at 43 years old—with no English, no education, and no connections. Her formula? Sell cheap, tell the truth, don’t cheat the customer. Nebraska Furniture Mart would survive depressions, fires, lawsuits, tornadoes—and eventually become a billion-dollar empire Warren Buffett called “the ideal business.” 

    Learn how Mrs. B’s relentless focus, radical simplicity, and unbreakable work ethic built an empire from scratch—and what her story teaches us about business, resilience, and the power of earned trust.

    This episode is for informational purposes only and most of the research came from “Women of Berkshire Hathaway” and oral history interviews with Rose Blumkin and her daughter Frances.

    (03:20 ) PART 1: Early Childhood

    (07:10) A Natural Entrepreneur

    (09:37) PART 2: Building an Empire 

    (12:53) The Competition 

    (15:54) The Passing of Isadore 

    (18:32) Expansion through Hardship 

    (20:32) Natural Instinct for Character

    (25:15) PART 3: The $60m Handshake / The Buffett Connection 

    (28:25) A Rebel at 96

    (33:47) Reflections, afterthoughts, and lessons

    Thanks to our sponsors for supporting this episode:

    MOMENTOUS: Head to ⁠livemomentous.com⁠ and use code KNOWLEDGEPROJECT for 35% off your first subscription. 

    NOTION MAIL: Get Notion Mail for free right now at notion.com/knowledgeproject

    Check out highlights from this books in our repository, and find key lessons from Blumkin here — fs.blog/knowledge-project-podcast/outliers-rose-blumkin

    Upgrade — If you want to hear my thoughts and reflections at the end of all episodes, join our membership: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠fs.blog/membership⁠⁠⁠ and get your own private feed.

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  • Raging Moderates: Trump’s Trade War vs. Hollywood (feat. Sen. Chris Murphy)

    AI transcript
    0:00:07 Support for the show comes from ServiceNow, who are enabling people to do more fulfilling work, the work they actually want to do.
    0:00:10 You know what people don’t want to do? Boring, busy work.
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    0:00:46 Finding your personal style isn’t easy, and the fashion powers that be aren’t making it any easier on us.
    0:00:53 The best way to make sure they move a lot of units is to make stuff that is, to put it indelicately, sort of boring.
    0:00:59 This week on Explain It To Me, how to cut through the noise and make sense of your own fashion sense.
    0:01:02 New episodes every Sunday morning, wherever you get your podcasts.
    0:01:12 People of many different ideologies, when taken to the extreme, actually start to resemble each other.
    0:01:20 Although you might be feeling like you’re fighting for completely different missions, you’re psychologically engaged in a very similar process.
    0:01:22 So what is that process?
    0:01:29 This week on The Gray Area, we’re talking about how our psychology affects our ideology.
    0:01:34 New episodes of The Gray Area drop every Monday, everywhere.
    0:01:40 Welcome to Raging Moderates. I’m Scott Galloway.
    0:01:41 And I’m Jessica Tarlath.
    0:01:42 How are you, Jess?
    0:01:43 I’m good, Scott. How are you?
    0:01:44 Yeah.
    0:01:46 Where do I find you? Because that is not home.
    0:01:52 I’m in Hamburg, Germany, for this big conference called Online Marketing Rockstars.
    0:01:53 There’s a lot of old money here.
    0:02:07 And the juxtaposition of like this industrial town with big cranes and waterborne factories or water-based factories with all these brand new steel condominiums, steel and glass condominiums.
    0:02:10 It feels like Karl Lagerfeld exploded into a city.
    0:02:15 It is such a cool, interesting city.
    0:02:16 And I absolutely love Germany.
    0:02:18 Work hard, play hard, very progressive.
    0:02:21 I just, if I spoke German, I would live here.
    0:02:22 Have you been to Germany, Jessica?
    0:02:33 I have, just to Berlin, though, and I had an incredible time on every cultural level, like the museums and walking around and kind of ingesting the history of it.
    0:02:40 And then also the partying and the scene and just absolutely adored it.
    0:02:40 Yeah.
    0:02:49 I was, one of my favorite tourist things in the world is the fat bike or fat tire bike tours, especially the one in Berlin that goes everywhere.
    0:02:53 And they look at the guard towers and Hitler’s bunker.
    0:02:57 And anyways, I’m officially like 100 years old.
    0:02:59 I’m fascinated by anything to do with World War II.
    0:03:00 All right.
    0:03:01 Banter done.
    0:03:07 In today’s episode of Raging Moderates, we’re discussing the economy is one quarter away from a possible recession.
    0:03:09 Mike Waltz gets pushed out.
    0:03:13 Trump says he doesn’t know if he has to uphold due process.
    0:03:23 And we have one of our favorites, Senator Chris Murphy, joining us to talk about the GOP budget bill and what Democrats are doing to message the possible harms to Americans.
    0:03:24 All right.
    0:03:25 Let’s get into it.
    0:03:28 We’ve got our first major shakeup in the West Wing.
    0:03:35 Trump has ousted National Security Advisor Mike Waltz, best known for launching the world’s most famous group chat, and nominated him as U.N.
    0:03:36 Ambassador.
    0:03:39 OK, so you’re fired, but you get a free toaster.
    0:03:41 Yeah, you get a demotion.
    0:03:43 Yeah, that’s it.
    0:03:53 Stepping in, at least for now, is Jack of all trades and master of none, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, who will now be juggling four top-level roles in the administration.
    0:04:00 Meanwhile, the White House is touting strong April job numbers, but the economy shrunk in the first quarter.
    0:04:04 And Trump’s tariffs have really haven’t really fully kicked in yet.
    0:04:09 One of them, 100% tariff on foreign-made movies, which he claims is a national security issue.
    0:04:10 Huh, OK.
    0:04:17 He’s also warning of higher prices and toy shortages this holiday season and says he’s OK with that.
    0:04:22 All right, got banging porn stars that has a tacky 757 laced in four-carat gold that costs every other day.
    0:04:24 He should lecture us about consumption.
    0:04:32 Trump’s new budget proposes $163 billion and cuts to education, health, and the environment while boosting law enforcement and border security.
    0:04:45 He also floated reopening Alcatraz as a symbol of law, order, and justice, and said he’s unsure whether due process rights must be honored during these mass deportations, though he’ll follow the Supreme Court’s lead.
    0:04:46 He hasn’t so far.
    0:04:56 All this comes as Trump and GOP leaders ramp up for the midterms, warning that a Democratic majority could bring a third impeachment, something they’re hoping will rally the MAGA base.
    0:05:00 Jess, let’s start with Waltz and the shakeup.
    0:05:04 Why do you think he was pushed out, and how realistic is it for Rubio to wear all those hats?
    0:05:20 So someone had to go, and Trump invested so much in getting Pete Hegseth through the confirmation process that it was increasingly looking like it had to be Waltz.
    0:05:28 And he didn’t want to do anything within the first hundred days because even though it’s kind of a made-up marker, I think he wanted to say, you know,
    0:05:34 no problems for the first hundred days besides the fact that everyone thinks that you’re bringing us into a recession.
    0:05:36 So that seems like a pretty good problem, big problem.
    0:05:40 But that’s how it kind of ended up being Waltz.
    0:05:46 And I keep thinking about the management of SignalGate after it first happened.
    0:05:50 And, you know, how Trump came out pretty quickly and he said Mike’s learned his lesson.
    0:05:58 And I think I’ve mentioned this before on the program that I’m part of a foreign policy group with Waltz, and he’s a very nice man.
    0:06:00 Ew, smell you.
    0:06:03 No, I just, I don’t know if there’s, like, conflict of interest.
    0:06:05 I’m a member of Shea Margot, the new hot members club downtown.
    0:06:06 That’s pretty cool.
    0:06:07 Taylor Swift went there.
    0:06:09 That’s cooler than knowing Mike Waltz.
    0:06:09 Me and Taylor.
    0:06:09 Maybe.
    0:06:10 Me and Taylor.
    0:06:11 Okay.
    0:06:15 Well, you’ll have to take me is basically what has to happen now.
    0:06:15 100%.
    0:06:16 I’ll get a babysitter.
    0:06:17 Maybe we’ll see Katy Perry.
    0:06:19 Is that that exciting now?
    0:06:22 She’s not, have you seen the weird dancing videos?
    0:06:23 She’s not that good.
    0:06:26 I’m convinced she was replaced with someone on the way back.
    0:06:27 Like a robot?
    0:06:28 No, some alien.
    0:06:30 There’s something going on there.
    0:06:31 Something bad is happening.
    0:06:38 But Waltz, so he got Trump’s sign of approval where he said, you know, Waltz is safe.
    0:06:40 And then he went on television.
    0:06:44 And he went on with Laura Ingraham, and he had a pretty testy interview.
    0:06:50 She was pushing him pretty hard about it, mostly about how was Jeffrey Goldberg in your phone in the first place.
    0:06:58 And we know that the mix-up was that he thought he was putting in the trade representative, Jameson Greer, with the same initials as Jeffrey Goldberg.
    0:07:12 But we also know in Trump world that there is nothing more offensive than being someone that talks to the mainstream press, let alone Jeffrey Goldberg, who was responsible for the suckers and losers story that keeps Trump up at night still.
    0:07:22 He’s so mad about that and how it kind of turned public opinion as to how he feels about those who have served, even though we know what he said about John McCain from the start.
    0:07:23 So it was pretty obvious what he thought.
    0:07:31 But it was interesting looking at Waltz being pushed out, and he was given some options, some ambassadorships.
    0:07:36 He could have been the ambassador to Saudi Arabia, for instance, or the U.N. job, which was supposed to be at least Stefanik’s.
    0:07:48 But because Mike Johnson has no margins, he had to keep Stefanik in her district, her New York district, so that they would at least have another vote because he thought it was feasible that they could lose that seat.
    0:07:53 But I was like, oh, my God, does this all really come down to a cable news hit?
    0:07:55 And I think that it does.
    0:08:14 And that Waltz choosing to go on TV, even though he had already appeased his audience of one, and to essentially look like he was out there for himself, was something that might have just been sitting in Trump’s craw for the last month or six weeks, however long it’s been.
    0:08:31 And that when push comes to shove and he needed to get someone out and Hegseth has had more scandals since then, more signal problems, has had to fire some of his deputies who he says are all, you know, liars and leakers, though he threatened a polygraph and never gave any one of them a polygraph.
    0:08:42 That, you know, would things have been different if maybe Waltz hadn’t done that interview or seemed like he was more concerned with his own fate than the fate of the administration?
    0:08:43 Potentially.
    0:08:44 That’s what I was thinking about.
    0:08:45 What’s your take?
    0:08:49 It’s so hard to try and decide who was most ripe to be fired.
    0:08:50 I mean, Waltz did invite.
    0:08:59 It’s just so hilarious that they’re not, you know, that the real sin here wasn’t a breach of national security that put our servicemen and servicewomen at risk.
    0:09:08 And, you know, when you, as I’ve always referenced before, if you get pulled over for a DUI, it means you’ve likely driven drunk an average of 80 times.
    0:09:10 I mean, what else has gone on here?
    0:09:15 I think it should have been Hegseth, but he likes the way Hegseth looks.
    0:09:17 He’s been more combative on TV.
    0:09:19 I agree with you.
    0:09:25 And then the real crime was having the phone number, the contact information of who’s seen as a progressive journalist.
    0:09:26 That was the real sin.
    0:09:29 So they needed a blood offering.
    0:09:32 I actually got to say, I don’t think it’s gotten much attention.
    0:09:35 You know, I think they kind of accomplished what they wanted.
    0:09:39 I think it’s poor leadership to say, oh, here, you go do this now.
    0:09:46 And I just thought that was, and you, an ambassador, I mean, talk about, talk about, that’s like what they did with Carrie Lake.
    0:09:49 Now she’s in charge of what, Radio Free Europe as they cut funding for it.
    0:09:54 It reminds me of, did you ever see the movie Broadcast News with William Hurt and Holly Hunter?
    0:09:55 Just a wonderful film.
    0:09:58 And Julia, I forget her name.
    0:10:00 She played a Bond girl.
    0:10:03 She played Holly Goodhead in one of the Bond films.
    0:10:06 And she was in the movie Broadcast News.
    0:10:10 And she’s a competitive threat for William Hurt’s affections to Holly Hunter.
    0:10:15 And Holly, who’s the assigning producer, basically sends her to do stories in Alaska.
    0:10:18 So she still has a job, but she’s in Alaska.
    0:10:22 I feel like Carrie Lake and now Mike Waltz are in Alaska, if you will.
    0:10:28 So Laura Loomer, who, you know, self-describes as an investigative journalist, but is really just a crackpot.
    0:10:29 And Trump loves her.
    0:10:41 And they’ve had to get her away from him, essentially, because she fills his head with even more craziness, apparently played a key role in Waltz’s ouster.
    0:10:48 And her big thing is that Trump, in order to effectuate his agenda, needs to be surrounded by true believers.
    0:10:50 And Waltz is not a true believer.
    0:10:51 He’s a convert.
    0:11:01 And Marco Rubio is a convert as well, though it seems like he’s, you know, making the cut in very serious ways now that he has, like, four jobs or something like that.
    0:11:06 But Laura Loomer, you know, she posted on X after Waltz was kicked out and just wrote Loomered.
    0:11:08 So, you know, take your victory lap.
    0:11:17 But she said something that I thought was right and that we should keep in mind as we’re evaluating the administration as it unfolds.
    0:11:28 If there’s anything that’s going to torpedo Donald Trump and his agenda after he survived indictments and mugshots and multiple assassination attempts, it’s going to be the vetting crisis and unforced errors of his administration.
    0:11:31 Contrary to what’s been said, he doesn’t hire the best people.
    0:11:36 That’s why it’s so important that there’s people to help support the president because nobody is perfect.
    0:11:44 And that feels like a really good Trumpian organizing principle for whatever we are about to see over the next three and a half years.
    0:11:46 But this guy hasn’t learned this guy.
    0:11:50 The president hasn’t learned the basis of greatness and success.
    0:11:53 And that is greatness is in the agency of others.
    0:12:02 And you essentially, when you’re on a board, your job is to basically decide if and when to sell the company.
    0:12:06 But more than anything, you really, your only job is to ensure you have the right guy or gal.
    0:12:11 And the right guy or gal needs to be good at what they do, set strategy, be an external spokesperson.
    0:12:14 But the best CEOs, the best leaders recognize that greatness is in the agency of others.
    0:12:19 And they surround themselves with just incredibly competent people.
    0:12:33 Your ability to build a great company, a great staff, a great cabinet is your ability to attract the most talented people, hold them accountable, and get them to work together and not be threatened by and show the ability to retain people that are more talented than yourself.
    0:12:38 And when you have the White House and the flag behind you, you can call on almost any individual.
    0:12:49 And the fact that he’s brought together this peewee, bad news bears, village idiot, keystone cops group of people, he’s even doing himself a disservice.
    0:12:55 Because an incompetent who’s really loyal to you isn’t going to serve you well because they’re just going to make you look stupid all the time.
    0:12:59 It’s not—loyalty will be absolutely—and I believe this has already taken place.
    0:13:00 He has huge loyalty.
    0:13:02 Peter Navarro thinks the guy’s a god.
    0:13:09 And Peter Navarro is probably going to be the Nigel Farage of this age.
    0:13:17 And that is, he will be the architect—he will go down in history—is the person we wish this guy, the president, had not listened to.
    0:13:36 And he doesn’t understand that if he wanted to—if he had gone about this stuff with less volume and not made as many really stupid decisions, case in point, the one he just passed or is threatening to pass, 100% tariff on any movies coming into the U.S., he would probably be one of the more popular presidents of the first 100 days.
    0:13:43 Because to his credit, he’s doing what he said he would do on things that are largely, at least thematically, popular in the U.S., right?
    0:13:54 Deport immigrants, go after government waste and inefficiency, restore trade balance, which Americans incorrectly have determined has been asymmetric to our disadvantage.
    0:13:55 But he just doesn’t get it.
    0:13:57 He’s surrounding himself with idiots.
    0:14:02 It will absolutely undermine any benefit he gets from loyalty.
    0:14:04 Let’s take a quick break.
    0:14:05 Stay with us.
    0:14:13 Support for this show comes from NetSuite.
    0:14:15 The future is unpredictable, especially for small businesses.
    0:14:21 Even experts who are looking at every indicator they have access to can overlook a variable that changes everything.
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    0:15:09 That’s NetSuite.com slash prof.
    0:15:18 The regular season is in the rear view, and now it’s time for the games that matter the most.
    0:15:22 This is Kenny Beecham, and playoff basketball is finally here.
    0:15:29 On Small Ball, we’re diving deeper into every series, every crunch time finish, every coaching adjustment that can make or break a championship run.
    0:15:32 Who’s building for a 16-win marathon?
    0:15:37 Which superstar will submit their legacy, and which role player is about to become a household name?
    0:15:42 With so many fascinating first-round matchups, will the West be the bloodbath we anticipate?
    0:15:44 Will the East be as predictable as we think?
    0:15:46 Can the Celtics defend their title?
    0:15:51 Can Steph Curry, LeBron James, Kawhi Leonard push the young teams at the top?
    0:15:56 I’ll be bringing the expertise, the passion, and the genuine opinion you need for the most exciting time of the NBA calendar.
    0:16:00 Small Ball is your essential companion for the NBA postseason.
    0:16:04 Join me, Kenny Beecham, for new episodes of Small Ball throughout the playoffs.
    0:16:06 Don’t miss Small Ball with Kenny Beecham.
    0:16:08 New episodes dropping through the playoffs.
    0:16:11 Available on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts.
    0:16:16 Support for the show comes from the Freedom From Religion Foundation.
    0:16:20 Have you ever been on a road trip when one person insists on controlling the music?
    0:16:24 You’re just trying to enjoy the ride, but now you’re stuck listening to nothing but their favorite band.
    0:16:28 No discussion, no compromises, just their way or the highway.
    0:16:31 That’s kind of what’s happening with Christian nationalism.
    0:16:35 Some folks want to take over the radio dial and make everyone follow their beliefs.
    0:16:39 But this country was built for everyone, not just one group.
    0:16:42 That’s where the Freedom From Religion Foundation comes in.
    0:16:47 Think of them as GPS keeping church and state in separate lanes, just like the founders actually intended.
    0:16:56 So whether you’ve always been secular or have left religion behind, if you don’t want someone else dictating the trip for you, the Freedom From Religion Foundation has your back.
    0:17:06 Go to ffrf.us slash freedom or text my first name, Scott, to 511-511 and become a member today.
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    0:17:30 Moving on here.
    0:17:34 The economy shrunk in the first quarter and we haven’t seen the full impact of Trump’s tariffs yet.
    0:17:40 Any sense for, have you heard anything about, quote unquote, this line out the door of people looking to do deals with him?
    0:17:42 I have heard it said a lot.
    0:17:46 I have not seen much evidence that that’s really what’s going on.
    0:17:56 And when the other countries release statements, like, I feel as though the Japanese have been pretty transparent about how concerned they are about what’s going on.
    0:18:00 Because obviously they want to maintain a good trading relationship with us.
    0:18:05 But they basically said the U.S. team is a bunch of yahoos.
    0:18:08 And they sit down at the table and they don’t even know what they want.
    0:18:15 You know, when you go on a first date and you realize maybe you’re not up to it, you know, when you’re not feeling it or whatever.
    0:18:17 Or you’re just not in the mood so you can’t even make conversation.
    0:18:20 And within 10 minutes you’re just kind of staring at each other.
    0:18:22 I feel like that’s what a lot of these trade.
    0:18:25 I just want you to know I have sat across from that a lot.
    0:18:27 Just a lot.
    0:18:29 I’ve experienced that a lot from the other side.
    0:18:30 Yeah, that’s what happens.
    0:18:31 The women aren’t up to it.
    0:18:32 Yeah, I see a lot of women.
    0:18:33 Just staring at you.
    0:18:34 Oh, yeah, I got to tell the story.
    0:18:36 I moved to New York on my first date.
    0:18:39 I met a woman who was a hostess at a restaurant uptown.
    0:18:40 Asked her out.
    0:18:41 She said, yeah, I got her number.
    0:18:43 We went to a hotel downtown.
    0:18:44 I walked in.
    0:18:45 We ordered drinks.
    0:18:46 I said, I got to go to the bathroom.
    0:18:49 I came back and I got a text saying, my friend’s in the emergency room.
    0:18:49 I had to leave.
    0:18:50 Really?
    0:18:51 And I’m like, yeah.
    0:18:53 Which was, in my opinion, total bullshit.
    0:18:59 I mean, that was my first date in New York is the woman.
    0:19:06 As soon as she got on the cab ride to the restaurant, she decided her friend was going to get hit by a car and she had to leave immediately.
    0:19:07 Anyways.
    0:19:13 Those are like the old school escape plans where you tell a friend, call me 15 minutes into the date, right?
    0:19:15 And say, oh, my God, you’re having an emergency?
    0:19:16 Yeah.
    0:19:17 No, not even.
    0:19:18 Didn’t even go through that.
    0:19:19 But why’d she say yes then?
    0:19:20 She’d met you.
    0:19:24 This wasn’t like a weird online, you know, maybe he doesn’t look like his pictures.
    0:19:32 No, I think there’s something about that Galloway charm that really just really started to scare the shit out of her.
    0:19:34 She’s probably full of regret now.
    0:19:35 Oh, can you imagine?
    0:19:37 I mean, I host a successful podcast now.
    0:19:47 Look, speaking of the tariffs, what do you make of this 100 percent or proposed 100 percent tariff on foreign movies coming into the U.S.?
    0:19:48 It’s totally bad shit.
    0:19:54 I mean, we have a 15.3 billion trade surplus on Hollywood.
    0:19:55 That’s the thing.
    0:20:00 Like when the Australians said, excuse me, you have a trade surplus.
    0:20:07 And I think it was Senator Warner was asking Jameson Greer, the trade representative, about that in particular.
    0:20:11 And he said, well, how does this make any sense if we have a surplus?
    0:20:14 If his idea is that we have to be even Stevens about everything.
    0:20:26 And the trade representative had no answer because there is no answer beyond Peter Navarro was the only one who satisfied this tariff itch that Trump had.
    0:20:28 And I don’t know if you saw in the Wall Street Journal.
    0:20:30 So we’re recording this on Monday morning.
    0:20:32 Scott Bessent has an op ed out.
    0:20:38 So now he is trying to do damage control and he’s defending the strategy.
    0:20:46 He says Trump has this coherent three-pronged strategy that will benefit Main Street because their obsession is saying that this is for the little guy, tariffs, tax cuts and deregulation.
    0:20:53 And to the average Republican, that does sound good as long as the tariffs aren’t the way that we’re doing it.
    0:20:55 They love tax cuts and deregulation.
    0:21:05 But it’s all anchored in a complete misread of what the tariffs are doing to our economy and also what these 2017 tax cuts were.
    0:21:11 And Republicans, I get this all the time at work, where they say the 2017 tax cuts benefited everybody.
    0:21:14 But they don’t talk about the level of benefit that it had.
    0:21:22 So 81 percent of the tax benefits from the 2017 cuts went to the top 10 percent and 24 percent to the top 1 percent.
    0:21:33 So just because the average person got another $800 in their bank account as a result of this doesn’t mean that it still wasn’t this massive giveaway to the ultra wealthy.
    0:21:44 And I was watching Bloomberg TV, which I don’t do very often, but I thought, oh, they’re probably going to have people on that are making a lot of sense and understand this a lot better than me.
    0:21:49 And they had this guy, Gene Sirocco on, who’s the executive director of the Port of Los Angeles.
    0:21:54 I learned more in three minutes from this guy about what’s going on.
    0:21:55 He had the numbers, right?
    0:21:57 We have a 35 percent drop in volume.
    0:22:00 We are going to go under a hiring pause.
    0:22:03 The truckers are going to be decimated because of it.
    0:22:05 The dock workers, we don’t know what’s going to happen there.
    0:22:09 Five to seven weeks, the retailers are saying that you’re going to have shelving problems.
    0:22:15 And then if it takes more than a month to get these deals done, which with China, I don’t even know if there’s ever going to be a deal.
    0:22:17 They seem up for whatever this battle is.
    0:22:27 That spring and summer fashion and then back to school are going to be the big events that really jolt the American economy when you realize that you can’t get the stuff that you need.
    0:22:32 And I don’t want to put myself out of a job because I love being on the five and I really enjoy it.
    0:22:38 But I want more Gene Sirocco on TV talking about this than Jesse Tarloves.
    0:22:53 I hope my bosses aren’t listening because you get more information about the on the ground effects of these tariffs from somebody who’s actually living it day to day and knows the people directly affected than you do by all of these talking heads.
    0:23:03 Yeah. So just to return to the 100% tariff on movies, I’ve established a nice friendship with a guy who used to run Warner Brothers Europe.
    0:23:20 And basically his job was to take the IP of Warner Brothers, whether it’s Big Bang Theory or Batman or Harry Potter, and then travel around the 27 or 29 member nations of the EU and collect money from them.
    0:23:25 Oh, you’re in Poland and you’re the streaming network and you want to run, you know, Warner Brothers films?
    0:23:27 This is how much you’re going to pay us.
    0:23:32 Oh, you want to run the Harry Potter play on, you know, in the London Theater District?
    0:23:33 This is how much money you’re going to pay us.
    0:23:35 I mean, we collect there.
    0:23:41 America actually does a relatively small number of things really, really well.
    0:23:43 Tech and software, education.
    0:23:47 We make the best weapons in the world and hands down, we have the best media in the world.
    0:23:59 And we’re running a 24 by 7, essentially commercial on American culture, whether it’s Baywatch or whether it’s friends and neighbors talking about the wealth problems of people in Connecticut, which I’m watching and I think is great.
    0:24:00 Jon Hamm, incredible presence.
    0:24:01 Oh, I know.
    0:24:02 Incredible presence.
    0:24:05 Is that your way of saying he’s so hot?
    0:24:05 It’s nauseating.
    0:24:06 Oh, he’s ridiculously hot.
    0:24:07 It’s crazy.
    0:24:11 And he’s like aging in the best possible way.
    0:24:14 He’s still Don Draper, but he’s also like a great dad.
    0:24:17 He’s a bad dad, technically, in your friends and neighbors.
    0:24:17 But you know what I mean.
    0:24:18 Oh, no.
    0:24:20 He’s like the victim.
    0:24:21 It’s such a ridiculous thing.
    0:24:21 I know.
    0:24:22 He’s everything.
    0:24:23 Yeah.
    0:24:26 Anyways, yeah, he’s very attractive.
    0:24:28 Anyway, let’s just cut to what’s going to happen.
    0:24:39 Other nations will say, OK, we’re going to put a 100 percent tariff on any of your media coming in here, which means we’re going to consume a lot less media.
    0:24:49 We one of the things we negotiated away with Canada at one time, Canada, and maybe it’s still in place, but I don’t think so, said that 25 percent of media on Canadian cable has to be produced in Canada.
    0:24:53 And so they basically had a lot of shitty Canadian TV shows.
    0:24:56 I’m sure that, you know, the boys in the hall or something came out of it.
    0:25:02 But effectively, this would be a boon to the local for in the short term.
    0:25:09 It’d be terrible for consumers in Poland, but they would get a short-term sugar high from domestically produced content.
    0:25:12 I don’t even know how you would calculate the tariff.
    0:25:15 But over the long term, all it does is the following.
    0:25:18 Media becomes much more expensive in those nations.
    0:25:26 The media industry in America, which employs millions of high-paid jobs, gets crushed, right?
    0:25:29 Because this truly is a frictionless export.
    0:25:30 You don’t need ships.
    0:25:32 You don’t need docks.
    0:25:35 You don’t need retail distribution channels or trucks.
    0:25:39 Media can be transmitted over cables with zeros and ones.
    0:25:43 And we make unbelievable margins.
    0:25:54 And to think that these nations aren’t going to impose reciprocal tariffs, which will dramatically decrease the demand of our content overseas, which we haven’t, as you pointed out, an incredible trade surplus.
    0:25:55 And this is what will happen.
    0:25:56 He will threaten it.
    0:26:06 Ted Sarandos from Netflix will call and say, you realize that this is going to take Netflix stock down dramatically as we do 51 percent of our content production is overseas now.
    0:26:09 We don’t even know how to calculate what the tariff would be.
    0:26:11 It’ll take our stock way down.
    0:26:16 We’re going to get very pissed off, as will the 315 million people who are on Netflix.
    0:26:21 And he will do exactly what he’s done across every single step in this process.
    0:26:21 He will blink.
    0:26:24 Netflix will be the new Apple.
    0:26:36 And that is, people say, well, what would happen to the price of Netflix in all these nations and in our nation if all of a sudden content produced overseas, of which 51 percent of Netflix content is now, whether it’s the umbrella,
    0:26:44 the Academy or money heist, or money heist, or money heist, and Netflix says, oh, we might have to raise prices from $12.99 to $17.99.
    0:26:55 Americans started a revolution that basically resulted in the formation of our nation based on the action of people trying to raise taxes on tea.
    0:26:57 The whiskey rebellion.
    0:27:12 So this is, again, nothing but chaos and paralysis, where the most talented people in the world and media, which happen to reside in America, essentially have to spend all this time figuring out what the fuck does this mean?
    0:27:14 How do we even respond to it?
    0:27:16 Just in case, let’s stop production overseas.
    0:27:18 Let’s reroute our supply chain.
    0:27:29 We got to spend all of our time on earnings calls talking about how we respond to this instead of how we’re actually trying to acquire consumers or produce more media that’s more effective on a lower budget in our business models.
    0:27:33 And at the end of the day, he’s going to do the same thing he did with Apple.
    0:27:34 He’ll do the same thing with Netflix.
    0:27:47 But if, in fact, the tariff does go through in some form, it’s the small independent producers, the smaller media companies that will be shit out of luck, that don’t have lobbyists and don’t have a cult following, similar to Apple and Netflix.
    0:27:50 This, again, is nothing but a self-inflicted injury.
    0:27:54 There’s all downside and just shows this guy just does.
    0:27:59 Even in the industries we are dominating, we are dominating globally.
    0:28:05 The last thing we want to do is give any nation the excuse to raise tariffs on our content.
    0:28:23 And this is one of the things we have negotiated tooth and nail, our trade representatives, is that we have ensured that if we produce great IP, which we produce the best in the world, when we produce, you know, Fast and Furious 12, that Czechoslovakia can’t decide to start tariffing it.
    0:28:32 We have fought for so long to let our content flow free overseas because it is better content and we reap the majority of those benefits.
    0:28:39 And now he’s decided to wind back the clock and give all of these nations an opportunity to tax our media anyways.
    0:29:02 It also opens the door for people to be concerned about his mental health state because there is a not insane thesis that perhaps last night he was watching a movie about Alcatraz and then decided to start posting that we need to reopen Alcatraz.
    0:29:13 And we know he likes prisons and show a force that way with the Gitmo stuff, but he says, OK, we’ll reopen Alcatraz and also we want to use tariffs in the movie industry.
    0:29:17 Or maybe he was talking to Jon Voight, who works for the administration somehow.
    0:29:20 He’s like the Hollywood ambassador or something like that.
    0:29:25 And Politico even had Jon Voight mentioned in their article talking about this.
    0:29:40 And that makes you think who is in charge here and to be even more deeply concerned that in the GOP bill, they have taken the way the right from Congress to administer tariffs, which is constitutionally protected.
    0:29:45 And that that’s the game here, that it’s all consolidation of executive power.
    0:30:03 Mike Johnson is fine with it as long as he gets his tax cuts through and the cuts that he likes and that we have a one man show and that one man show can be swayed by a visit by Laura Loomer or perhaps a movie that he was watching.
    0:30:05 That’s a little concerning.
    0:30:13 Just to give you a sense, we think, well, it’s not that big a deal if it’s just going to create some uncertainty and then ultimately we end up back where we think it is.
    0:30:15 And that looks more like it did before than not.
    0:30:18 Uncertainty is the death metal of markets.
    0:30:20 The markets hate uncertainty.
    0:30:27 And so far this year, the S&P 500 is down 6%, wiping out $6.5 trillion in value of public companies.
    0:30:30 The value of the U.S. dollar has plunged nearly 10%.
    0:30:35 And ETFs that track companies outside of the U.S. is up over 7%.
    0:30:48 I feel like we’re having the biggest lawn sale in the world of $27 trillion in our economy that other people are thinking, okay, especially China and some EU nations are saying, okay, how do we take advantage of the fact that the U.S. seems to be getting into a trade war with China?
    0:30:53 I know, let’s get a bunch of stuff on sale as the fixed costs in Chinese factories.
    0:30:56 They want to keep those factories humming so they have excess supply.
    0:31:01 And the EU nations are going to be able to strike incredible deals on that additional capacity.
    0:31:05 In addition, all sorts of trade deals being done outside of the U.S.
    0:31:10 This is essentially, well, okay, this is a yard sale at the wealthiest home in the world.
    0:31:16 This is, you know, I don’t know, the Louvre, if it was a private residence.
    0:31:19 Oh, everything’s for sale right now in terms of this economy.
    0:31:21 Everything is up for grabs because this person has gone crazy.
    0:31:26 They’re not dead soon, but they’ve gone absolutely crazy.
    0:31:35 And the notion that consumers aren’t going to freak out, when consumers show up to a store and the shelves are empty, at least American consumers,
    0:31:39 their first instinct is to go buy something else, specifically a gun.
    0:31:42 Consumers freak out.
    0:31:48 I mean, this is a country that started hoarding toilet paper and hand cleanser.
    0:31:49 I did that.
    0:31:50 You did that?
    0:31:54 I had a whole office full of toilet paper.
    0:31:55 Yeah, I didn’t get that at all.
    0:31:56 What would you do if you couldn’t wipe?
    0:31:57 Let’s be real about this.
    0:31:59 My dad was also obsessed with it.
    0:32:01 He told me, he’s like, go to every drugstore.
    0:32:03 I lived in Union Square at the time.
    0:32:05 He’s like, you got a lot of drugstores there.
    0:32:09 Please go get as much toilet paper as possible and then bring it down to me and try back.
    0:32:12 Yeah, I was more focused on getting the vaccine.
    0:32:14 But I did that, too.
    0:32:14 Yeah.
    0:32:20 But just for the sad final note on this, all the things you say is true.
    0:32:22 His approval rating is down.
    0:32:24 Stock market, all of it.
    0:32:30 And yet CNN asked who would be doing a better job right now, Trump or Kamala Harris?
    0:32:33 And Trump still edges Kamala.
    0:32:36 I mean, within the margin of error, it’s just two points.
    0:32:42 But my guess would be actually that he would still get reelected if we had the election, if we did a do-over.
    0:32:44 Well, people I’ve watched.
    0:32:48 I don’t know if you saw anything from the Berkshire Hathaway Agora where they all get together.
    0:32:54 And basically, it was kind of a farewell to a great American, Warren Buffett.
    0:32:57 And he said he was really appreciative in his comments.
    0:33:04 He said that you want the world to be prosperous, that when other nations do well, we do really well because we make fantastic products.
    0:33:06 And when they have more money, they buy more of our products.
    0:33:07 And it’s an upward spiral.
    0:33:18 And one of the problems with this administration in terms of mentality that is just not prosperous or foots to the age is that they approach everything as a zero-sum game.
    0:33:21 That if another nation is prospering, it must be bad for us.
    0:33:26 And China’s ascent into the global economy as a kind of a tier-one nation has been great for us.
    0:33:28 And you might say, well, it’s not great for us.
    0:33:33 Only 3% of clothes in America are manufactured domestically.
    0:33:34 How can that be a good thing?
    0:33:39 Okay, in the last 40 years, on an inflation-adjusted basis, the price of clothing has been cut in half,
    0:33:43 which means Americans can focus on manufacturing things with much higher margin.
    0:33:46 I don’t know, chips, media.
    0:33:52 And with that additional gross margin, by focusing on high-margin products and additional profitability,
    0:33:54 we get to buy more shit.
    0:33:57 And at the end of the day, America is about rights.
    0:34:00 It’s about defending our nation and giving people the opportunity to buy more shit.
    0:34:01 People don’t come here.
    0:34:07 I mean, a lot of people do come here escaping totalitarian regimes or they want or asylum.
    0:34:10 But the majority of people who come here come here because they want more shit.
    0:34:12 And what I mean by that is they want to have a more—
    0:34:13 We call that opportunity.
    0:34:16 Yeah, they want a more prosperous lifestyle.
    0:34:18 They want to be able to afford nice things for the kids.
    0:34:19 They want to take nice vacations.
    0:34:21 They want to have a nicer car.
    0:34:23 They want to buy better beer.
    0:34:25 They want to wear cooler clothes.
    0:34:26 They want to wear Nikes.
    0:34:27 They want to watch better media.
    0:34:33 And the notion that somehow we have not benefited—
    0:34:36 Since World War II, we have 8X’d our GDP.
    0:34:40 Our average household income is about $80,000.
    0:34:45 Granted, it is not—it is absolutely not fairly distributed, but that’s our choosing.
    0:34:47 That has nothing to do with trade policy right now.
    0:34:50 But the notion that we haven’t won.
    0:34:51 We’ve won, folks.
    0:34:52 We’ve won.
    0:35:01 And a big part of that is because of our incredible trade policy, where we’ve usually been both parties win, but we win even more.
    0:35:10 And he was very eloquent and said, by the way, when other nations are more prosperous and their children are more prosperous, your children are safer.
    0:35:21 And that is, when nations don’t do well, you know, they’re just more inclined to declare war on their neighbors or be really angry at those gluttonous Americans who appear to be doing well and pulling head without us.
    0:35:23 I thought his comments were really solid.
    0:35:29 But just a quick rundown of some of the products from China that are imported into the U.S.
    0:35:32 Ninety-nine percent of shoes are imported.
    0:35:35 Ninety-percent of microwaves are imported from China.
    0:35:36 Eighty-two percent of pots and pans.
    0:35:38 Seventy-percent of utensils.
    0:35:40 Forty-percent of coffee makers.
    0:35:42 Ninety-three percent of children’s books.
    0:35:43 Eighty-six percent of gaming consoles.
    0:35:45 Ninety-eight percent of umbrellas.
    0:35:47 Eighty-two percent of blankets.
    0:35:50 Ninety-six percent of fireworks.
    0:35:58 The Republican Party really is genius at figuring out a way to get people to vote against their own interests.
    0:36:02 And as a result, J.P. Morgan is now predicting a 60 percent chance of recession.
    0:36:05 Goldman Sachs, 35 percent chance of recession.
    0:36:09 Barclays, B of A, Deutsche Bank all warn of higher recession risks.
    0:36:15 What they’re not talking about, which I think they soon will be talking about, is what’s even worse than a recession.
    0:36:19 And you’re too young to even remember this, but I remember this from my graduate student instructor days.
    0:36:21 Stagflation.
    0:36:27 And that is traditionally when the economy slows, interest rates come down because not as many people are feeling confident and want to borrow money.
    0:36:29 So banks lower the cost to borrow money.
    0:36:31 People get more aggressive.
    0:36:32 It’s sort of a self-healing mechanism.
    0:36:37 And then when consumers are trying to buy too much stuff and there’s too many dollars facing too few products,
    0:36:41 banks take advantage of that and say, if you want to borrow money as confident as you are, you’re going to have to pay us more.
    0:36:47 And then the higher interest rates temper or dampen the economy and bring inflation down.
    0:36:51 The worst thing in the world is where we’re headed, and it’s the following.
    0:36:59 And that is productivity goes down because the demand for our products from reciprocal tariffs decreases, so the economy shrinks.
    0:37:06 But at the same time, we’re seen as a less sure bet, and capital leaves the U.S. driving up interest rates.
    0:37:07 So what do you have?
    0:37:13 You have interest rates going up, which further chases down, slowing productivity, and you have something called stagflation.
    0:37:17 And we haven’t registered that in so many decades.
    0:37:19 People don’t even really understand the concept.
    0:37:20 But here’s what it is.
    0:37:24 Stagflation is a bridge to depression.
    0:37:27 Recession is a fucking Easter party compared to stagflation.
    0:37:29 That’s the worst of both worlds.
    0:37:37 And it strikes me that essentially these tariffs and so far the economic policy are effectively said, how can we bring back stagflation?
    0:37:41 How can we bring back measles and rubella and stagflation?
    0:37:43 I’ve got an idea.
    0:37:44 Massive tariffs.
    0:37:46 All right, moving on for a second.
    0:37:49 What do you make of Trump’s comments about due process?
    0:37:50 Concerning.
    0:37:52 But when have I not been concerned?
    0:37:58 You know, Kristen Welker asking him, do you agree that everyone who is here deserves due process, citizens and non-citizens?
    0:38:02 And spoiler alert, the Constitution guarantees it, even for people who are here undocumented.
    0:38:05 And Scalia, amongst others, has said as much.
    0:38:06 And he goes, I don’t know.
    0:38:07 I’m not a lawyer.
    0:38:13 And Trump has spent his entire life hiding behind, I don’t know, ask somebody else.
    0:38:18 And that somebody else is usually Stephen Miller, which spells disaster for all of us.
    0:38:26 And I should have mentioned when we were talking about the National Security Advisor stuff that I wouldn’t be surprised if it was really Stephen Miller doing it and not so much Marco Rubio.
    0:38:40 But the administration is out with an idea for a new proposal that I would love to get your take on, because it, at first blush, sounds pretty smart to me, that they’re going to pay people who are here undocumented $1,000 to self-deport.
    0:38:43 And I believe that they’re also considering paying for their flights home.
    0:38:55 And it is deportations and border security, not immigration overall, but those two criteria or those two aspects are the only areas where he is still above water.
    0:39:03 And I think that if there are people here who are willing to go for $1,000, that that is a very good use of our taxpayer dollars.
    0:39:04 Well, it’s an interesting idea.
    0:39:14 And just on a cost level, it’s a hell of a lot more efficient than renting planes for, you know, a quarter of a million dollars and putting them in handcuffs and shipping them to a place where they have no family or support.
    0:39:17 But it’s how we’re doing this.
    0:39:22 People don’t want to acknowledge that, OK, the secret sauce of America, a lot of people admit, has been immigration, right?
    0:39:34 But the most profitable part of that secret sauce has been illegal immigration because undocumented workers, as I’ve said before, pay taxes but don’t stress local, you know, local services.
    0:39:37 They don’t stick around long enough to usually collect Social Security.
    0:39:39 There are some examples of crime.
    0:39:44 There are some examples of them taxing social services beyond the value they’re adding.
    0:39:48 But that is the exception, not the rule.
    0:39:58 And the reason why we have turned a blind eye to illegal immigration for so long is it’s been this magnificently flexible, inexpensive workforce that comes in when there’s jobs and leaves when there isn’t.
    0:40:13 And the thought, you know, to me, if you were really going to be, quote unquote, smart about this, you would say to certain individuals, I mean, you need to massively increase immigration, but have it be thoughtful and have it be measured and have some, you know, some sort of logic to it.
    0:40:13 Right.
    0:40:24 If the price of pistachio is quadruples because we can’t come find anyone to come harvest those crops, well, let’s think about how we have some sort of temporary visa, similar to what Trump does at his hotels.
    0:40:36 But in terms of deporting, offering them incentives, but we still don’t want to talk about the solution that actually probably most effectively decreases or encourages people to self-deport.
    0:40:38 And that is going after these nice people who are business owners.
    0:40:45 And that is in some states or some regions, they estimate somewhere between a quarter and a third of fast food workers are undocumented workers.
    0:40:52 You could make a pretty decent estimate with a pretty tight confidence interval of what percentage of your workforce is undocumented workers.
    0:40:57 And then you go to the employer and you say, we’re going to start fining you $100,000 a day unless you get this down.
    0:41:03 If the jobs go away, they will self-deport on their own without a $1,000 bounty or a $1,000 incentive.
    0:41:08 Because the real solution here is something we just don’t want to talk about.
    0:41:15 We don’t want to acknowledge that, okay, drugs coming across the border, well, let’s punish them for letting phenyl in.
    0:41:16 You can’t keep drugs out of a prison.
    0:41:30 As long as there’s demand for drugs in the United States as a function of people, either addiction or, you know, a man who doesn’t get married or in a relationship by the time he’s 30 has got a one in three chance of becoming an abuser.
    0:41:45 As long as there is demand for drugs they’re going to get into the U.S., as long as there is a demand in jobs, right, for illegal immigrants, they’re going to figure out a way to get here.
    0:41:52 Now, to their credit, it does seem like immigration has dramatically just cauterized or stopped.
    0:41:54 I think that’s a good talking point for them.
    0:41:55 Are they going way too far?
    0:41:58 Are we probably going to see a massive hike in inflation?
    0:42:01 I absolutely think that’s coming.
    0:42:02 But let me put it this way.
    0:42:05 I think that’s the least bad idea they’ve had in a while.
    0:42:05 What do you think?
    0:42:07 Yeah, that’s how I feel.
    0:42:12 And listen, I perhaps got too excited that it was something that didn’t sound insane to me.
    0:42:14 And so I said, I think this is a good use of our taxpayer dollars.
    0:42:15 I don’t know.
    0:42:22 I need to see what the plan is fleshed out, but they are doing well with, frankly, putting the fear of God into people.
    0:42:24 And folks are self-deporting.
    0:42:27 Border crossings are basically nil at this point.
    0:42:30 You don’t see any action on the southern border.
    0:42:35 And this was a key promise that we would get people out of the country who are here illegally.
    0:42:38 Now, I want the asylum system to continue to work.
    0:42:39 Everybody deserves their due process.
    0:42:48 There are innocent people in a foreign prison essentially serving now a life sentence that the El Salvadorian president isn’t even comfortable with.
    0:42:52 That’s how depraved what the American administration has done, that Bukele is uncomfortable with it.
    0:43:00 That said, $1,000, when you look at the cost and how overburdened our immigration system is, we don’t have enough judges.
    0:43:03 We don’t have enough lawyers for these people.
    0:43:09 I think maybe if it can help the process along about whether they should stay or go, this is something to explore.
    0:43:10 It’s just so funny.
    0:43:13 In some nations, they pay people to actually come there because they need labor.
    0:43:13 Yeah.
    0:43:14 Yeah, it’s going to be.
    0:43:29 But it feels as if the administration has somewhat snatched a feed from the jaws of victory because had they not had this El Salvadoran stupidity, most Americans agree with a pretty hardline approach.
    0:43:31 And the results, I don’t think you can argue with that.
    0:43:33 The results have been dramatic, right?
    0:43:36 And it’s like, okay, it’s one thing to break a few eggs.
    0:43:39 It’s another thing to, like, burn the village to save it, right?
    0:43:41 To totally go after due process.
    0:43:44 And some of these stories really are heart-wrenching.
    0:43:45 Okay.
    0:43:47 Let’s take a quick break.
    0:43:50 When we come back, our conversation with Senator Murphy.
    0:43:51 Stay with us.
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    0:46:20 Looking for a political show that doesn’t scream from the extremes?
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    0:47:12 We’re not always right, but our hearts are in the right place.
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    0:47:17 Welcome back.
    0:47:20 Joining us today is Connecticut Senator Chris Murphy.
    0:47:21 Welcome to the show, Senator.
    0:47:22 Hey, Scott.
    0:47:23 Thanks for having me back.
    0:47:34 So, there’s a viewpoint that, despite all the tumult, anxiety, general recognition that a lot of these actions from the administration are damaging to the economy,
    0:47:43 and essentially kind of waving a middle finger at the Constitution, that while his popularity is down and he’s had the worst first hundred days,
    0:47:47 the Trump administration, or Trump, is still more popular than the Democratic Party.
    0:47:55 And the thesis is that the Democratic Party is seen as weak and that the American public would rather have an autocrat than a party that’s weak.
    0:48:01 And you gave a very fiery speech called The Hundred Days of Corruption.
    0:48:10 But in addition to these sort of fiery speeches and, you know, generally highlighting how corrupt this administration is,
    0:48:12 it doesn’t feel like that’s enough.
    0:48:18 It doesn’t feel as if the Democratic Party has shown any real tensile strength in terms of their ability to push back on the administration.
    0:48:22 Other than speeches, what could possibly be done here?
    0:48:25 Yeah, I mean, Scott, I think there’s a couple things to talk about here.
    0:48:30 It is true that the approval ratings for the Democratic Party are in the toilet.
    0:48:35 They’re bad, but not much worse than the approval ratings for the Republican Party.
    0:48:38 People are just down on organized political parties right now.
    0:48:45 And a lot of the reason why the Democratic number is very low is because Democrats are upset with the Democratic Party.
    0:48:49 And that’s because, you know, Donald Trump has punched this entire country in the nose.
    0:48:56 And a lot of Democrats are taking out their frustration with Trump on the leaders of their own party,
    0:49:01 who they don’t believe have stood up in effective resistance.
    0:49:05 Some of that is, I think, justified.
    0:49:06 Some of that is not.
    0:49:11 But it is also true that the Democratic Party is not seen as a strong enough alternative.
    0:49:19 One of the things I worry about is that, well, it is true that this is the most corrupt White House in the history of the country.
    0:49:30 Any one of these scandals from the meme coin to Starlink would have potentially taken down a previous president in a previous time.
    0:49:36 The Democrats aren’t really seen as a credible anti-corruption messenger for a couple of reasons.
    0:49:42 One, because, you know, we weren’t really serious about taking out corrupt members of our own party.
    0:49:49 But also, we don’t really talk with enough volume about the ways in which we would clean up government if we were put in charge.
    0:49:59 When I started out in politics 20, 25 years ago, you know, campaign finance reform, getting big money, corporate money, lobbyist money out of politics.
    0:50:02 That was a top two or three issue for Democrats.
    0:50:10 Somewhere along the line, we stopped explaining and maybe we stopped caring as much about unrigging the democracy.
    0:50:15 Our sort of democracy talk became voting rights talk, which is really important.
    0:50:25 But that’s actually not the thing that sort of scratches the itch that most Americans have today, which is the influence of billionaires and corporations inside politics.
    0:50:36 So I think, you know, some of the low approval rings for Democrats are just a function of sort of the first six months of the Trump administration and people taking out their anger against anybody, including Democrats.
    0:50:45 But some of it is because we just don’t talk enough about, you know, what we would do to unrig the democracy if we were put in charge.
    0:50:54 And people aren’t going to really listen to our message of Trump’s corruption unless they really believe that we’re serious about changing the rules so that there’s less corruption.
    0:51:15 So in addition to being taken seriously about being effective change agents, in terms of just our ability to kind of arrest or cauterize what a lot of people think is sort of an undoing of the post-World War II order that will take years, maybe even decades, to repair, I thought we hit a low point last weekend when Schumer said that we had sent a strongly worded letter to the president.
    0:51:30 Well, I’ll put forward a thesis, start proposing laws that say if you’re operating black sites in your country or engaging in crypto scans with this current administration, if and when we get control of the House, we’ll propose laws that economically impair your nation.
    0:51:43 Or remind some of the statute of limitations on fraud, corruption or a variety of other crimes, the statute of limitations is longer than three years and nine months.
    0:51:50 I mean, just to put it bluntly, doesn’t the Democratic Party need to start acting like sort of the party of not fucking around, quite frankly?
    0:51:52 I mean, what we’re doing just does not appear to be working.
    0:51:56 Yes, that’s that’s right to an extent.
    0:52:01 I mean, listen, his approval ratings are sinking and that is really important.
    0:52:07 When a president gets down into the 30s, his enablers do start to get cold feet.
    0:52:19 I mean, it will be harder for him to pass this massive cut in Medicaid funding in order to finance a billionaire tax cut if his approval ratings are at 35 percent.
    0:52:33 So I don’t necessarily know that the message is in whole not working if in part what your goal is when you’re the majority party is to make the majority party really, really unpopular so that their legislative agenda gets jammed up.
    0:52:42 But, yes, we have to be more willing to engage in risk tolerant behavior and we have not.
    0:52:57 I mean, part of the reason that, you know, I argued that we should be willing to vote against that Republican continuing resolution was to show that we are not going to be complicit with Republicans on a budget that they wrote without any Democratic input.
    0:53:07 The reason why I thought we all should have skipped the State of the Union speech is because that would have shown a level of seriousness about not wanting to legitimize his corruption and theft.
    0:53:13 And you’re also probably right that we’re going to have to be clearer about the legal consequences.
    0:53:22 You know, should somebody who’s on the level eventually get into the DOJ for the people who are blatantly violating the law?
    0:53:48 I think sometimes people expect a little bit too much of the opposition party, but I think if we were engaging in tactics that were a little tougher and had, frankly, a little bit more potential downside for Democrats, that would cause people out in the public to be more willing to engage in riskier behavior themselves or institutions to engage in more riskier behavior as they’re trying to stand up a response to Trump’s extortion campaign.
    0:53:58 I wanted to pick up on what you were saying about this risky behavior because there are a few people within the party and you’re one of them that have been looked to as the ones that are willing to push the envelope.
    0:54:05 So Bernie and AOC out on their tour, you had a huge fundraising quarter, $8 million, right?
    0:54:07 And you’re not up for reelection for a very long time.
    0:54:13 So people are obviously appreciative of what you’re doing and the energy that you’re bringing to this fight.
    0:54:22 But we know that elections are decided on issues and the big issue for the midterms is going to be the GOP reconciliation bill, the big, beautiful bill.
    0:54:28 So we have $880 billion cut to Medicaid, also huge tax breaks for the wealthy.
    0:54:35 How do you think that Democrats can effectively message what it is that this administration is doing?
    0:54:40 If wealth inequality is a huge issue for them, this is it, you know, signed, sealed and delivered, wrap it up in a bow.
    0:54:47 There is no clear indication that Main Street is irrelevant to them than what this bill has in it.
    0:54:48 So what’s the plan?
    0:54:53 Well, the plan has to be to not be distracted, and that’s tough.
    0:55:03 But, you know, we are being gift-wrapped a piece of legislation that tells the entire story about the Trump administration’s priorities.
    0:55:07 And as you mentioned, it’s a pretty simple story.
    0:55:14 You’re talking about throwing millions of people off of their health care, potentially tens of millions of people off their health care.
    0:55:23 Medicaid insures 24 percent of Americans in order to finance a massive tax cut for the richest Americans.
    0:55:31 It’s about a trillion dollars in cuts to child nutrition programs and Medicaid and a trillion dollars of tax cuts for the richest 1 percent.
    0:55:36 And so that’s a story we need to tell over and over and over again.
    0:55:41 And the best result here is, frankly, to stop it from ever becoming law.
    0:55:43 And I think we have a really good chance of doing that.
    0:55:48 Nobody thought that we were going to be able to stop the repeal of the Affordable Care Act in 2017, but we did.
    0:55:50 But they still paid a price for it.
    0:55:55 They got walloped in the midterms because people didn’t really care that it didn’t pass.
    0:56:01 They just saw loud and clear what their values were, which was to, at the time, throw 20 million people off their health care.
    0:56:11 So we needed to dual track this, try to kill this bill, but also message it in a way that even if it disappears, they have to own the space.
    0:56:38 And I think it’s OK to still talk about the assault on democracy because I would argue it’s all the same story, that this president’s agenda is so historically unpopular, so wildly unpopular, that the only way that the Republican Party survives this is for them to destroy democracy, destroy the rule of law, destroy the traditional means of accountability like a free press, a free university system, lawyers who can defend our rights.
    0:56:39 So it’s all the same story.
    0:56:48 They’ve got this deeply unpopular agenda, which is about destroying the middle class to empower the billionaires, and they have to destroy democracy in order to get away with it.
    0:56:50 I think that’s an elevator pitch.
    0:57:04 Like, that doesn’t take more than a minute, a minute and a half to explain to people and just don’t let his, you know, constant distraction campaign about talking about a third term or invading Canada stop you from being able to repeat that story five times a day.
    0:57:09 Do you think that talking about Kilmer Obrego Garcia is one of those distractions?
    0:57:21 No, because I think that is sort of central to this case of his attempt to destroy the rule of law because it’s the only way that he gets away with this thievery.
    0:57:48 I mean, what he is, you know, essentially doing with a lot of these disappearances, standing on top of the legitimization of political violence through the pardoning of all the January 6th protesters is to try to put a chill when it comes to people who are going to stand up to him politically so that you don’t see the kind of crowds that you’ve seen in the past several weeks and months out there protesting his deeply unpopular agenda.
    0:58:02 And I think, you know, that there is deep crossover potential in a way that maybe is unexpected on issues like Abrego Garcia that dovetail pretty nicely with the crossover message on stopping the cuts to Medicaid.
    0:58:07 It turns out there are actually a lot of pretty conservative folks out there who don’t want any of this.
    0:58:18 You know, I’ve, you know, said to folks, it’s, you know, a lot of the people who voted for him thought that he was serious about lowering costs and he wasn’t serious when he talked about being a dictator.
    0:58:21 They’re finding out that the opposite is true.
    0:58:23 He’s not serious about lowering costs.
    0:58:26 He’s going to increase health care costs by kicking people off of Medicaid.
    0:58:28 And he is serious about being a dictator.
    0:58:37 And that’s a message that that sort of gives a permission structure for a lot of his vote and his base to think about crossing over.
    0:58:39 Yeah. Steve Bannon could be used in a whole lot of ads.
    0:58:41 He understood this perfectly.
    0:58:41 Scott.
    0:58:55 So Governors Bashir, Newsom, Whitmer, Moore, Secretary Buttigieg, Senators Bennett, Klobuchar, Murphy, we have an outstanding bench.
    0:59:05 A lot of very strong moderates who I believe you’re going to have to have a moderate to triangulate and have a shot at getting through or winning in the general.
    0:59:06 I’m going to talk about the primary.
    0:59:16 Why, just as a tactic, and I’m not asking you to indicate your plans or what you’re planning or not planning to do, it feels like right now we’re leaderless.
    0:59:27 That if the leaders of the Democratic Party are Senator Schumer or Leader Jeffries, I think most people think they’re not up to the job of pushing back on this onslaught of corruption and autocracy.
    0:59:44 What do you think of the idea of one of you or more of you announcing now that you’re running for president such that we at least have effective pushback and someone that the media and the public can turn to on a daily basis for arguments and evidence around how wrong this is?
    0:59:51 I mean, it seems to me that part of the problem is we just don’t have visible, vocal leadership right now.
    0:59:56 What do you think of the idea of one or more of you announcing sooner rather than later that you’re running for president?
    0:59:57 Yeah, I don’t know.
    1:00:04 I mean, I hear this critique a lot, and there have been different suggestions about how to tackle this perceived problem.
    1:00:12 That’s the first time I’ve heard the suggestion about starting the presidential campaign, you know, two years earlier than normal.
    1:00:16 There’s also this idea about creating a shadow cabinet, you know, for instance.
    1:00:21 I guess I don’t perceive that problem to be as acute or as real as you do, Scott.
    1:00:24 I actually think that this party is pretty entrepreneurial.
    1:00:31 Even though Bernie Sanders and AOC have no official role, they are still drawing tens of thousands of people.
    1:00:32 I’m a rank-and-file member.
    1:00:34 Max Frost is a rank-and-file member.
    1:00:36 But we’ll have a couple thousand people in Florida.
    1:00:40 We had a couple thousand people in Missouri and North Carolina last weekend.
    1:00:42 I don’t know.
    1:01:00 I think it might be just a little unrealistic to expect that you are going to have, three years prior to a presidential campaign, there be some consensus in the political class and the media class about who the one sole leader of the Democratic Party is.
    1:01:07 Posit for a second that, you know, one of those high-profile names did jump out and declare their presidential aspirations really early.
    1:01:10 Well, that might mean that the others do the same.
    1:01:13 And then all that you have now is dem-on-dem violence.
    1:01:23 You just have, you know, a presidential campaign starting way earlier than it should instead of all of our energy being trained on explaining the corruption and the thievery in the White House.
    1:01:28 So I don’t see this as big a problem as it is.
    1:01:47 I think what you’re frankly seeing is a lot of folks rise to the moment and, you know, get amplified voices and bigger stages that might not exist if you had some early contest to decide who the one person was that is the legitimate anti-Trump voice inside the progressive movement.
    1:01:49 All fair points.
    1:01:59 So one of the strategies that the administration or President Trump has deployed that I think has been very effective straight out of the GRU’s handbook of flood the zone.
    1:02:06 So many outrageous things every day that you’re flat-footed, don’t know what to respond to, enter into a state of paralysis, end up running after things that aren’t that important.
    1:02:12 And it feels as if we do need to focus on a small, finite number of issues in a very forceful yet dignified way.
    1:02:14 One, do you agree with that?
    1:02:18 And two, if you in fact agree with that, what would be Senator Murphy’s one thing?
    1:02:28 If you could only talk about one issue that you think the Americans should be focused on in terms of how the administration is bad for America, what would be that one issue for you?
    1:02:38 Yeah, listen, right now it’s this budget bill that proposes the most massive transfer of wealth from the poor and the middle class to the rich in the history of the country.
    1:02:41 It tells the entire story about the values of this party.
    1:02:48 They are trying to hand over our government to the billionaire class, and they are willing to run over regular people to get there.
    1:02:53 It exposes him as a false populist in a way that no other issue does.
    1:02:59 But as to kind of the tactical way that you deal with how he floods the zone, you have to flood the zone in return.
    1:03:02 You have to create as much content as he does.
    1:03:05 And that is a legitimate debate inside the party right now.
    1:03:20 There’s a feeling that, you know, maybe we should just sort of sit back and, you know, let them destroy themselves, that we shouldn’t be acting every single day with five alarm urgency because that kind of wears people out.
    1:03:22 I actually don’t think that’s true.
    1:03:26 I think we have to, you know, put just as much content out there every day as he does.
    1:03:34 I think it’s OK for us to sort of have our hair on fire on a daily basis because the democracy is under daily assault.
    1:03:44 And as long as we stay, you know, pretty laser-like focused on that transfer of wealth, the cut to Medicaid, to finance the tax cut for millionaires, I think we’re on pretty, pretty safe ground.
    1:03:49 You mentioned being out with Max Frost at town halls in Missouri and in Florida.
    1:03:53 And I’d love to hear a little bit about what you saw there on the ground.
    1:04:10 But also, by doing it with Max Frost, who’s the youngest member of Congress, you implicitly blessed this next gen, which I think is so important in the conversations that we’re having right now about people being too old for these roles, not passing the torch soon enough.
    1:04:16 And someone like Max Frost understands flooding the zone because that’s just how a 20-something operates, right?
    1:04:19 I wake up, I get on my phone, not me, I’m a 41-year-old.
    1:04:25 But Max Frost wakes up and he starts posting because that’s just what’s built into his DNA.
    1:04:36 And that feels like a natural way for us to be combating flooding the zone where it doesn’t feel like you have a 75-year-old in their car, you know, yelling into the abyss to create a video.
    1:04:42 You have someone like a Max Frost or an AOC doing this, and it’s like inherent to who they are.
    1:04:48 So can you talk about your town halls and also bringing in the next generation in a substantive way?
    1:04:58 You know, it certainly is about volume, and you are right that this generation, right, doesn’t think twice, right, about posting dozens of times a day.
    1:05:04 That’s just how online communication works, and it’s important for, you know, the older generation to understand that.
    1:05:06 Second, it’s about authenticity.
    1:05:12 It’s about removing the filter between you and your constituents and the voters, and Maxwell does that.
    1:05:13 I do that.
    1:05:23 But most sort of high-level politicians, governors and senators, still have that filter, still vet their communication through their communications staff.
    1:05:24 So you don’t?
    1:05:26 You post without approval?
    1:05:33 I don’t, yeah, I mean, I don’t, so my, the feed that I control is my, is my, my Twitter feed, and that, yeah, that is just me.
    1:05:38 Nobody sees those tweets before I send them out, and that provides sort of the foundation for most of my other content.
    1:05:40 But voters are savvy today.
    1:05:52 They now know the difference between authentic communication and non-authentic communication, in part because they’ve watched Donald Trump show the country what authentic communication full of mistakes looks like.
    1:05:54 The town halls are amazing.
    1:06:00 You know, any Democrat can show up anywhere right now, and, you know, you will have thousands of people coming out.
    1:06:12 I think it’s really important to be in Republican districts, in part because if you are trying to build a true national movement, you have got to sort of show that even in the red parts of the country, folks are having second thoughts.
    1:06:19 And so if you’re just having big turnouts in blue states, that doesn’t really ultimately move the needle.
    1:06:43 So I don’t think it’s coincidental that, you know, once we started to see red states turning out, like what Bernie did in, you know, Idaho, and I think he was in, you know, somewhere in the Mountain West other than Idaho, you started seeing Trump’s blue ratings, you know, move down into the low 40s because Republican or prior Trump voters looked around and they said,
    1:06:52 oh, I guess others who voted for Trump, others who live in places that look like the place I live in, have now have the same misgivings that I do.
    1:06:57 So that’s why Max and I have been primarily going only to Republican districts, and I think we’ll continue doing that.
    1:07:05 Yeah, you see, it’s pretty rough out there even for like Chuck Grassley, and I feel like his constituents love him, but they can’t help but be upset at what we’re seeing.
    1:07:11 I love a little bit of a background perspective on how your Republican colleagues are feeling.
    1:07:19 I know what they say to the cameras, but are they feeling as tense about this as I would imagine they should be?
    1:07:25 So I have a little bit of a different perspective than a lot of my colleagues do on Republicans right now.
    1:07:39 I really worry that we’re giving Republicans too much credit, this idea that they know what the right thing to do is and they aren’t doing it because they are scared of Donald Trump or scared of losing an election.
    1:07:45 I think way more Republicans than you think have in their heart given up on the project of democracy.
    1:08:00 You know, this work to undermine democracy inside the Republican Party that’s been, you know, handled and midwifed in part by the pseudo-intellectual infrastructure that surrounds MAGA, you know, it’s been ongoing for a decade.
    1:08:01 It’s deep, it’s deep, it’s serious.
    1:08:13 And so especially in the House of Representatives, I think the vast majority of Republicans there are absolutely willing to give up on elections if that guarantees Republicans rule forever.
    1:08:22 Many Republicans, most Republicans in Congress have come to the conclusion that progressives writ large are an existential threat to the nation.
    1:08:29 And so their number one goal, their mission is to stop Democrats from ever ruling again.
    1:08:35 They’d like to do that without destroying democracy, but if that’s what it takes, then they’re willing to do it.
    1:08:43 I just think you have to understand that instead of living in this world where, you know, they, oh boy, they’re all really wringing their hands about what Trump is doing to our democracy.
    1:08:47 And they just, you know, can’t say it out loud because they’re so afraid of him.
    1:08:53 In the Senate, yes, there’s, you know, a good group of maybe 15 to 20 who do know what he’s doing is wrong.
    1:09:09 And those approval ratings sitting in the 30s for a period of months, you know, that may be the key to getting more of those Republicans to speak up or perhaps voting against some of the worst of this agenda, including the Medicaid cuts.
    1:09:11 But I don’t mean to paint a hopeless picture.
    1:09:17 I just think it’s really important not to sugarcoat what’s happened inside the Republican Party.
    1:09:31 And it’s a it’s a decade long effort to try to explain why it’s time to transition America to a kind of autocracy or quasi democracy that can keep up with China.
    1:09:32 Democracy is just antiquated.
    1:09:33 It’s outdated.
    1:09:36 It doesn’t work in a 2025 global context.
    1:09:38 That’s what a lot of Republicans think today.
    1:09:45 Senator, young women going slightly more moderate or progressive, young men significantly more conservative.
    1:09:51 And I would argue that it’s not that they’re moving towards the Republican Party.
    1:09:53 It’s the Democratic Party has moved away from them.
    1:10:00 And when I was at the Democratic National Convention, I saw a parade of special interest groups really robustly representing their constituents.
    1:10:06 But the one group that wasn’t discussed or referenced is the group that, in my view, has fallen furthest fastest, and that is young men.
    1:10:09 And I think it really hurt us at the ballot box.
    1:10:12 One, do you agree with that?
    1:10:25 And two, if you do agree with that, what specific programs or ideas can the Democrats deploy to try and arrest the decline or at least nod how poorly young men are doing in our country?
    1:10:27 I completely agree with that.
    1:10:31 I mean, how can’t you, if you, you know, look at a lot of this polling data?
    1:10:44 I think that, you know, what’s important to understand is that while a lot of the attention has been on young men, there has been a significant pull away by young women from the Democratic Party as well.
    1:10:50 This is a phenomenon that exists most acutely with young men, but it exists with young people writ large.
    1:11:07 I do think it’s worth really examining why the only movement on the left that has drawn large numbers of young people, but especially young men, over the last 10 to 20 years is Bernie’s movement.
    1:11:17 And I think you really have to, there’s a lot of people who say, well, you know, Bernie’s brand of politics is toxic, it’s, you know, going to be the downfall of the Democratic Party.
    1:11:25 But let’s be honest, you know, whatever you thought of the Bernie bros, there were a lot of young men who were attracted to what Bernie was selling.
    1:11:40 And that’s because, you know, young men and young women together, but maybe young men in particular because of the very quick downfall of the sort of the economic patriarchy, see the consequences of a system that is totally and completely rigged.
    1:11:44 And they are looking for an explanation about who did it to them.
    1:11:49 For young men, you know, the conservative movement says, well, women did this to you.
    1:11:59 Women did this to you, their rise in the workforce combined with the Me Too movement has been the source of your unraveling and undoing.
    1:12:07 Well, what Bernie says is that, yes, somebody did this to you, but it’s not women, it’s the billionaire class.
    1:12:15 It’s the corporate class who has rigged an economy to make sure that no young person can succeed as quickly as they could 30 or 50 years ago.
    1:12:30 And I just don’t know that you’ll win young men back or you’ll win young people back if you don’t have a source for them to root their frustration is if you don’t have a story to tell about why their life got so difficult and so miserable all of a sudden.
    1:12:34 So, you know, you talked earlier about a moderate candidate being the only path forward.
    1:12:43 I’m not even sure that kind of center right left works any longer in describing sort of how the sort of political positioning exists today.
    1:13:11 I think you probably win with a candidate who is more big tentest on social and cultural issues, who is less judgmental about people who may not, you know, think the way the most progressives think on climate or guns or gay rights, but is pretty populist on economic issues, is willing to sort of call out the way that corporations have rigged the economy and have some pretty big solutions, especially for young people about how their life is going to get better much more quickly.
    1:13:18 Sherrod Brown was a loss on a whole host of levels, but you’re basically describing him in what you just said.
    1:13:27 Yeah, and Sherrod, you know, I mean, Sherrod’s bona fides on choice and gay rights, on climate, right, rock solid.
    1:13:34 But like Bernie, Sherrod, A, just chose to spend 80% of his time talking about an economic message.
    1:13:43 And B, I think the perception in Ohio, even though he lost, was that he was less judgmental of people who thought differently than him.
    1:13:48 And, you know, we have applied these litmus tests we just have as a party.
    1:13:58 And, you know, we let the online left engage in a pretty regular shaming of anybody who isn’t inside the conventional orthodoxy.
    1:14:00 And I think in the past, I’ve been a part of that.
    1:14:05 I think a lot of us have been a part of that, either in taking part in it or looking the other way when it happened.
    1:14:14 And when I think about how the Democratic Party recovers, I don’t necessarily think it’s in sort of becoming more moderate on economic issues.
    1:14:24 I think it probably is, you know, confronting the failure of neoliberalism pretty directly, but it probably does mean becoming less judgmental and less preachy on the non-economic issues.
    1:14:33 So if we were a household, we’re taking in $50,000 a year, we’re spending 70, a household debt of $370,000 that when we die, our kids will assume that debt.
    1:14:38 We’re either going to have to, it appears to me, raise taxes or cut spending.
    1:14:40 And the answer is probably both.
    1:14:57 And I’m now of the mind that probably the only way to substantially decrease spending would probably be to attempt to really go after health care costs, which is the biggest part of our, you know, biggest consumer economy, our biggest consumer spending item with terrible outcomes.
    1:14:59 One, do you agree with that?
    1:15:19 And two, how could we, in fact, address a health care system where we spend eight times more for Humira or Ozempic than other nations and where hospital systems have figured out a way to make pricing totally non-transparent?
    1:15:25 What, I mean, it just feels like Washington, quite frankly, has just been weaponized by the health care industrial complex.
    1:15:30 And as a result, we have worse health outcomes with, for, you know, for more money.
    1:15:32 How would you address health care costs?
    1:15:37 So this is at the heart of the corruption story, and it’s a bipartisan corruption story.
    1:15:43 This town is owned by the health care industry, and that’s been true for 30 years.
    1:16:03 The reason health care costs are so high in this country is because the for-profit health care industry has been able to rig the rules so that they are able to collect a large amount of the total dollars spent in health care, whether it be, you know, on the private pay side or on the Medicare and Medicaid side,
    1:16:10 And keep it for-profit returns to shareholders or massive CEO salaries.
    1:16:22 It’s just not a coincidence that America, you know, is obviously spending twice as much as other nations on a per capita basis, and we don’t utilize the power of the federal government to control and regulate prices.
    1:16:43 So there’s no way, ultimately, to solve for this problem the massive, massive amount of money that the government spends on health care without the government getting involved in helping to curb the amount of profit that the drug industry, that the hospital industry, that the hospice industry is making off of health care.
    1:16:52 And it’s frankly a really critical moment right now because you are now seeing the sort of private equity game in health care at scale.
    1:17:12 And, you know, the for-profit hospital companies and the drug companies, you know, they are thieves, but at least you can kind of see the thievery when you get to the point, you know, five, ten years from now where half of the, you know, health care system is owned by third parties, by private equity or hedge funds.
    1:17:15 And you can’t even see the ownership structure.
    1:17:20 It makes it a lot harder to kind of understand how to pull the levers to try to keep costs down.
    1:17:26 So, you know, part of the reason that I think Democrats haven’t done as well as we should when it comes to health care is that our ideas are too small.
    1:17:34 You know, we talk about, you know, our prescription drug policy for a long time was, you know, bulk negotiating the price of the top ten prescription drugs.
    1:17:36 Which is like a good policy, but it leaves people feeling cold.
    1:17:40 People want a hard cap on all drug prices, all drug prices.
    1:17:43 They want a limit to the amount of profit that drug companies can make.
    1:17:50 Like they want the ads off the air and all of that money plowed back into, you know, prescription drug price reductions.
    1:18:03 So, I just think the Democrats are going to, you know, whether it’s a single payer system or not, the Democrats are going to have to talk about the government getting involved in the health care system to limit the amount of profit that the private sector makes and taxing along those savings to consumers.
    1:18:11 So, speaking of big ideas, we of the G7 spend double what the other G6 spend on health care with worse outcomes.
    1:18:15 And most of them have nationalized or socialized medicine, whatever you want to call it.
    1:18:25 Would you be up for something along the lines of lowering the age eligibility of, say, Medicare by two years for 30 years and eventually having national health care?
    1:18:28 I’m certainly game for that.
    1:18:41 There’s another idea that I prefer, which is a national Medicare buy-in, right, to put Medicare as an option for every single individual and every single business.
    1:18:48 It’s not an easy thing because you’d have to price Medicare, you know, into the private sector, but I actually have a piece of legislation to do it.
    1:18:50 There’s other pieces of legislation out there.
    1:18:55 And so, Medicare then would exist on every individual insurance exchange.
    1:19:01 Every business would have the ability to buy the Medicare plan for its employees.
    1:19:03 And it’s a way to kind of test the idea, okay?
    1:19:07 You think private insurance is better insurance?
    1:19:08 It’s cheaper insurance?
    1:19:10 Well, let it go toe-to-toe with Medicare.
    1:19:17 I think what would happen is very quickly individuals and businesses would choose to go on Medicare because it just is better health care for a lower price.
    1:19:28 And you’d have a very natural market-based transition away from what we have now to something that looks like, you know, Medicare for all.
    1:19:35 And once Medicare had, you know, 60%, 70% of the business, you know, frankly, the other companies probably couldn’t operate.
    1:19:53 So, that to me is the big idea that, you know, gets it to where we probably need to get to, but it does it through consumer and business choice, which is just a whole lot more politically easy than what Bernie is proposing, which is to just have a big legislative fight over requiring that everybody be on Medicare and banning private health care insurance.
    1:19:54 That’s really interesting.
    1:19:55 It’s interesting.
    1:19:56 I hadn’t heard that.
    1:19:56 Yeah.
    1:19:58 That’s why we have him on, Jess.
    1:19:59 That’s why we have him on.
    1:20:00 That’s why we have you on.
    1:20:04 There’s a couple good ideas out there that you guys haven’t thought of yet.
    1:20:05 Well, it’s hard to believe.
    1:20:06 It’s hard to believe.
    1:20:10 We need a new title for the podcast because moderates aren’t where it’s at.
    1:20:11 We have to be more lefty.
    1:20:12 All right.
    1:20:14 Senator Murphy, thank you so much for your time.
    1:20:16 Hopefully, you’ll come back again sometime soon.
    1:20:17 Thank you, Senator.
    1:20:18 Thanks, Jess.
    1:20:18 All right.
    1:20:19 That’s all for this episode.
    1:20:21 Thanks for listening to Raging Moderates.
    1:20:24 Our producers are David Toledo and Shanene Onike.
    1:20:26 Our technical director is Drew Burrows.
    1:20:30 You can now find Raging Moderates on its own feed every Tuesday and Friday.
    1:20:31 That’s right.
    1:20:32 Its own feed.
    1:20:36 That means exclusive interviews with sharp political minds you won’t hear anywhere else.
    1:20:40 This week, I’m talking to Representative Ro Khanna, who’s a personal favorite of mine.
    1:20:44 Make sure to follow us wherever you get your podcasts so you don’t miss an episode.
    1:20:45 See you later, Scott.
    1:20:46 See you, Jess.

    The economy’s on edge, Trump’s tariffs are targeting Hollywood, and there’s chaos in the West Wing as Mike Waltz is out—and Marco Rubio is somehow doing four jobs at once. Plus, Senator Chris Murphy joins to break down the GOP’s sweeping budget cuts, the Democratic response, and whether voters are finally starting to pay attention.

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  • The Secret AI Prompt Tool Silicon Valley Engineers Are Using

    AI transcript
    0:00:06 everyone’s talking about vibe coding but the reality is for most things vibe coding doesn’t
    0:00:11 work right now and even the guy who coined the term andre carpathy he recently posted that he’s
    0:00:15 now trying to provide more context to models because he’s realized that’s what you have to
    0:00:20 do to get good results back welcome to the next wave podcast i’m your host nathan lands and today
    0:00:25 i’m going to show you the secret weapon that all the top ai coders are using you know everyone’s
    0:00:29 talking about vibe coding this vibe code that but what they’re not telling you is that you can’t
    0:00:34 vibe code most of anything that’s actually important right now for any important ai coding you want to
    0:00:38 give it the proper context to know what it’s doing versus just throwing everything at which is what
    0:00:42 cursor and windsurf and a lot of these other tools that everyone’s talking about do today i’ve got the
    0:00:46 founder of repo prompt eric proventure on here and he’s going to show you how you can use repo prompt
    0:00:54 to take your ai coding to the next level so let’s just jump right in cutting your cell cycle in half
    0:00:59 sounds pretty impossible but that’s exactly what sandler training did with hubspot they used
    0:01:04 breeze hubspot’s ai tools to tailor every customer interaction without losing their personal touch
    0:01:13 and the results were pretty incredible click-through rates jumped 25 and get this qualified leads
    0:01:19 quadrupled who doesn’t want that people spent three times longer on their landing pages it’s incredible
    0:01:24 go to hubspot.com to see how breeze can help your business grow
    0:01:34 hey we’ll be back to the pot in just a minute but first i want to tell you about something very
    0:01:39 exciting happening at hubspot it’s no secret in business that the faster you can pivot the more
    0:01:45 successful you’ll be and with how fast ai is changing everything we do you need tools that actually
    0:01:50 deliver for you in record time enter hubspot spring spotlight where we just dropped hundreds of updates
    0:01:56 that are completely changing the game we’re talking breeze agents that use ai to do in minutes what used
    0:02:03 to take days workspaces that bring everything you need into one view and marketing hub features that use
    0:02:09 ai to find your perfect audience what used to take weeks now happens in seconds and that changes
    0:02:15 everything this isn’t just about moving fast it’s about moving fast in the right direction
    0:02:22 visit hubspot.com forward slash spotlight and transform how your business grows starting today
    0:02:28 thanks for coming on yeah yeah it’s nice uh you know finally put a face to it you know we tried it for a
    0:02:33 while and uh it’s cool you’ve been using uh repo prompt for a few months now yeah yeah i’ve been telling
    0:02:37 people about repo prompt for like the last you know probably six months or so kind of felt like it’s been
    0:02:41 almost like my like ai coding secret weapon you know it’s like yeah everybody talking about cursor
    0:02:47 and now windsurf and i do find cursor useful but i was like why is no one talking about repo prompt
    0:02:51 because like for me every time i’d get into like a complicated project as soon as the project got a
    0:02:55 little bit complicated the code from cursor would just stop working for me like it would just not know what
    0:03:00 was going on you could tell it wasn’t like managing the context properly and then when 01 pro came
    0:03:04 out that was when i really noticed repo prompt and started using it a lot yeah you had to go to 01 pro to
    0:03:08 really get the best out of ai for coding at that point absolutely wouldn’t even work with the 01 pro
    0:03:12 and so repo prompt was by far the best and it was just kind of shocking me like only like a few people
    0:03:16 on x are talking about this yeah most people don’t know about it yeah i mean like it’s the only tool
    0:03:21 that i use to work with ai and you know for a long time it was just sonnet and i would feel like i was
    0:03:25 able to get a lot more out of sonnet than other tools just because you know the full context window
    0:03:30 was there and you know i wasn’t bleeding through the nose with api costs uh doing using the the web chat and
    0:03:34 just let me get to a place where i was able to get a tool that was able to do like not just like
    0:03:38 putting context out but like taking the changes back in and applying them yeah i like to think i’m the
    0:03:42 number one user but actually like look at the stats sometimes and i don’t think that’s even true anymore
    0:03:46 yeah i mean i really wanted to bring you on after i saw that tweet from uh andre carpathy the day
    0:03:52 so andre carpathy he used to be at tesla ai now he’s like one of the best educators about how lms work
    0:03:56 and things like that he had his tweet saying noticing myself adopting a certain rhythm in ai
    0:04:03 assisted coding i code i actually and professionally care about contrast to vibe code you know he coined
    0:04:06 the term vibe code which everyone’s been using and then he basically goes on to talk about like
    0:04:11 stuffing everything relevant into context all this i was like he literally he doesn’t know about repo
    0:04:17 prompt i’m like how did this like top ai educator in the world top expert everything totally has no idea
    0:04:21 about repro prompt i was like okay so i need to get eric on the podcast and we try to help with that
    0:04:26 yeah i appreciate that yeah i mean yeah looking at that that tweet you see exactly like that flow that
    0:04:29 like got me started like when you start getting serious about coding with ai like you start thinking
    0:04:33 like it will how do i get the information to the ai model and like the ux on all these other tools is
    0:04:38 just not cutting it you need a tool to just be able to quickly select search for your files like find
    0:04:41 things and yeah you know i recently added the context builder i don’t know if you’ve tried that out but
    0:04:45 maybe you know if you could explain like try to simplify it yeah and i think we should then just jump into a
    0:04:49 demo and we can kind of just go from there sure thing sure thing yeah i mean the first thing you’re
    0:04:53 going to do when you’re going to open up repo prompt is pick a folder so i can either open a folder
    0:04:57 manually or just go to the last ones used but generally when you’re working with some code base
    0:05:00 like this and flutter like this has a lot of like different build targets and things that are not like
    0:05:03 relevant to working with flutter so if you’re not familiar with flutter it’s a way of working to
    0:05:07 build multi-platform apps and so you can see it’s got like linux mac os web and all that stuff
    0:05:12 but yeah like when you’re working in a repo like this you want to think through like what are the files that
    0:05:16 are going through and if you’re using a coding agent like with cursor or whatever the first
    0:05:20 thing they’re going to do when you ask a question is okay well let me go find what the user’s trying
    0:05:25 to do let me search for files and pick those out and if you know what you’re doing with your code base
    0:05:29 you tend to know like okay well i’m working on this button toolbar great so i’ll just like
    0:05:33 clear the selection out and i’m just working on these these views here great so i’ve selected those
    0:05:38 and that’s it so then i can see you know token use for those files it’s pretty small so i’m able to
    0:05:44 just get to work type my prompt and paste that in here help me update all the docs pages so if i do
    0:05:50 that and then i just do gemini flash quickly to show what that looks like so the context builder the way
    0:05:56 that works is it will actually search for files using an llm based on the prompt that you’ve typed
    0:06:00 out you know a big part of using repo prompt is that you have to know you know what it is that you’re
    0:06:04 trying to select here right right and you know what i noticed a lot of users they were just putting
    0:06:07 everything in they would just say like okay just select all and and that’d be it and you’d be
    0:06:10 like okay we’ll get the first yeah i mean that’s the easy thing to do you’re like okay well there’s
    0:06:14 the code base perfect but you know there’s plenty of tools that can just zip up your code base and
    0:06:17 that’s easy but like the power of repo prompt is you can be selective you don’t have to select
    0:06:22 everything so i can just hit replace here and then okay well what did that do okay well that actually
    0:06:26 found all these files here that are related to my query put them in order of priority of like
    0:06:30 importance based on what the llm’s judgment is and of course if you use gemini flash you’re not
    0:06:34 going to get the best results compared to like using you know like a bigger model like gemini
    0:06:39 2.5 pro but it’ll pick those out it’ll use something called code maps to help with that and you can see
    0:06:45 the actual token file selection queries is just 6k tokens working with a code base if you’ve spent some
    0:06:48 time you know programming in the past i know a lot of folks they’re not super familiar with all the
    0:06:54 technicals there but like vibe coding yeah exactly exactly um so repo prompt has this code map feature
    0:06:59 and what this will do is it will basically as you add files it’ll index them and extract what’s called
    0:07:05 like um it’s a map but if you’ve used c++ before there’s like a header file and a cpp file and what
    0:07:08 that is is basically you’re explaining to the compiler like what is all the definitions in this
    0:07:12 file like you’ve got your functions you’ve got your variables and all that stuff and so it’s like a
    0:07:17 high level extracted kind of an index like an index of your code base exactly yeah the context builder
    0:07:21 uses that data to help you find what the relevant files are based on your query so it has like a kind
    0:07:25 of peek inside the files without having all of the details and it’s able to kind of surface that
    0:07:29 relevant information for you so that you can use that in a prompt one thing i love about
    0:07:33 repo prompt so when i first started using it i had been like using just like a custom script i had
    0:07:38 created to like take my code base and like and then like put you know the relevant you know context in
    0:07:42 there which a lot of times i was just doing all of it i was literally putting all into a single file
    0:07:47 and i’d copy and paste that into chat gbt yeah i think i tweet about this and someone told me like
    0:07:51 oh you got to try repo prompt that’s when i tried repo prompt the fact that i could like see how
    0:07:56 much context i was sharing yeah with the model was amazing and it seems like that’s super relevant too
    0:07:59 because you know at least from the benchmarks i’ve seen you know everyone’s talking about how much
    0:08:04 context you can put into their llm you know think of the benchmarks for llama for as soon as you went
    0:08:10 over like 128k context like nowhere near the 10 million yeah like the quality just like dropped like
    0:08:15 like a rock well until gemini 2.5 came out pretty much all the models you would really want to stay
    0:08:21 below 32k tokens in general i find like over that you’re just losing a lot of intelligence so there’s this
    0:08:25 concept of effective context you know the effective context window like at what point does the
    0:08:29 intelligence stop being like as relevant for that model and for a lot of smaller models and local
    0:08:34 models it’s a lot lower and you probably want to stay around 8k tokens but like for bigger models 32k
    0:08:38 is a good number it’s only now with gemini that you’re able to kind of use the full package the full
    0:08:43 context window but yeah so you’re using this context you’ve picked out your files say you you want
    0:08:46 to use as many as you want 100k like what do you do with that so like you have a question like
    0:08:54 um help me change how links are handled uh with my docs uh and so i have a question here i’m just
    0:08:59 going to paste it to o3 and you’ll see like what is o3 getting out of this so it’s getting basically
    0:09:04 this file tree so it’s getting a directory structure of this project it’s getting basically the high level
    0:09:08 code maps of the files that i haven’t selected so basically when it’s set to complete everything that i
    0:09:12 haven’t selected gets kind of shipped in and then you have the files that i did select and so then the
    0:09:17 context is able to go ahead and is able to do that and so this is like a great way to kind of just get
    0:09:21 this information into o3 get the most out of this model and o3 is an expensive model if you’re trying
    0:09:26 to use it a lot like this is a great way to kind of get more value out of it move fast and get good
    0:09:30 responses i think the average person like people who are just using chat tpt or even people who are
    0:09:34 coding with cursor they don’t realize that you can do that that you can literally just copy and paste
    0:09:40 all of that context in there and that the lm gets that and it understands what to do yes you know
    0:09:44 in contrast to chat gpt claude is very good at following instructions like it’s the best model
    0:09:48 at following instructions i find and i think this is another thing that repo prompt does quite well is
    0:09:53 so it’s got like tools to kind of send information into the lm but it’s also got tools to go ahead
    0:09:57 so it’s now it’s going to go ahead and write an xml plan and it’s going to create this theme selector
    0:10:02 and it’s going to add these files and and change files for me and what’s cool with this is that i can
    0:10:07 just go ahead and use claude with my subscription and then have it modify all these files so it’s
    0:10:11 basically creating all these files and it can search and replace parts of files too so i don’t
    0:10:15 have to re-update and re-upload the whole thing have it up with the complete code so a lot of models
    0:10:19 struggle with you know people are noticing like oh this model is really lazy it’s not giving me the
    0:10:23 whole code but like this kind of circumvents that issue because it lets the ai just kind of get an
    0:10:26 escape patch and just do what it needs to do here right you know sometimes when i’m coding like this
    0:10:31 i’ll iterate like so i pasted this question right with o3 and often what i’ll do is i’ll read through
    0:10:37 the answer and then i’ll change my prompt and then paste again into a new chat and try and like see
    0:10:41 where the result is different because basically i look at like here’s the output okay i actually don’t
    0:10:46 care maybe about this copy link button okay then i’ll put specifically put a mention in my prompt to say
    0:10:50 like let’s let’s kind of just focus on this part of the question and kind of reorient it and that’s the
    0:10:54 nice thing with this is that i can just hit copy as many times i want if you’re paying for a pro sub
    0:10:59 like there’s no cost to trying things there’s no cost to hitting paste again and you know you just try again
    0:11:03 you just paste again let the model think again and try things and i think that’s like a really important
    0:11:07 way of working with these models is to experiment and try things and and see how does changing the
    0:11:11 context what files you have selected your prompt i use these stored prompts that come built in the app
    0:11:15 so there’s the architect and engineer and these kind of help focus the model they give them roles
    0:11:21 so like if i’m working on something complicated the architect prompt will kind of focus the model
    0:11:26 on just the design and have it kind of not think about the code itself whereas the engineer is just the
    0:11:30 code like don’t worry about the design just just kind of give me the code uh but just the things
    0:11:34 that change maybe you should explain like when you say engineer prompt it’s literally you’re just adding
    0:11:39 stuff that you copy and paste into the lm saying like you’re an expert engineer and this is what i
    0:11:44 expect from you i expect for you to give me xml that’s your job do it and that’s literally how the lms
    0:11:49 work like okay i’ll do it absolutely yeah giving them roles is is crucial telling them who they are
    0:11:53 what their job description you know what what do i look for like giving them a performance review
    0:11:57 evaluation uh all that stuff like i i find like the more detailed you are with your prompts the
    0:12:01 more you can help like they kind of color the responses in an interesting way so just adding
    0:12:05 the engineer prompt you see like it spent more time thinking about it so here this time it kind of said
    0:12:09 okay this is the file tailwind here’s the change and this is the change that i’m going to do in a code
    0:12:14 block so you know for the longest time before i had any of these xml features i was just kind of
    0:12:18 using repo prompt and like getting these outputs and then just copying them back into my code base
    0:12:22 manually and kind of reviewing them right i was like really the antithesis of vibe coding where
    0:12:27 everything’s kind of automated yeah so i showed you a lot of stuff like pasting back seeing this xml
    0:12:32 and then kind of putting it back in what’s really nice with repo prompts like chat flow is that all of
    0:12:36 that is automated so if you want to vibe code and kind of think about it like just not think about
    0:12:40 anything while being kind of cost effective too you can do that kind of work here and basically the way
    0:12:47 this works here is i had gpt 4.1 as my main model this is all the context i gave it and then my pro
    0:12:53 edit mode what it’ll do is it’ll actually ask a second model to apply the edits so i have gemini flash
    0:12:58 that will go ahead and rewrite the file for me and just kind of do that work so i don’t have to manually
    0:13:03 kind of incorporate these so if i was looking at here like okay this is the tailwind file i’d have to
    0:13:08 open that up and then go ahead and introduce it in but having it kind of just go in the chat having
    0:13:12 different models kind of do that work you know it makes a big difference working on repo prompt it’s
    0:13:16 really like there’s building your context that’s like the biggest thing just picking what you want
    0:13:20 you want to front load that work and you know in contrast to using agents you’re going to have those
    0:13:25 agents kind of run off do a lot of work call a bunch of tool calls you see like oh three kind of
    0:13:29 thought for 15 seconds thought through some tools to call it didn’t really make sense it just kind of
    0:13:33 kept going and and ended up doing this and if you’ve used cursor a lot you know you’ll see like often
    0:13:37 using oh three it’ll call tools that will like read this file read that file read this file
    0:13:42 but if you just give it the files up front and you just kind of send it off to work with your
    0:13:45 prompt you right away you get a response and you’re like okay well does this make sense to me am i able
    0:13:49 to use this instead of letting it kind of serve for an hour yeah it’s a little bit more work at least
    0:13:54 right now but it’s yeah i think you get a lot better results so it’s yeah yeah just front loading that
    0:13:58 context being able to think through and iterate on that and that’s the whole philosophy around it is
    0:14:03 just like thinking through like making this easy the context builder helps you find that context
    0:14:08 you know eventually i’m going to add mcp support so you can query documentation find find things
    0:14:14 related to your query as well and just spend time as an engineer sitting through what do i want the
    0:14:18 llm to know and then what do i want it to do and then make that flow as quick and as painless as
    0:14:22 possible and like that’s kind of everything and i think you know going forward and you know as you get
    0:14:27 serious coding with ai like that’s what the human’s job is in this loop as engineer’s job is
    0:14:30 figuring out the context i think that’s the new software engineering job
    0:14:36 hey we’ll be right back to the show but first i’m going to tell you about another podcast i know
    0:14:41 you’re going to love it’s called marketing against the grain it’s hosted by kip bodner and kieran
    0:14:46 flanagan and it’s brought to you by the hubspot podcast network the audio destination for business
    0:14:50 professionals if you want to know what’s happening now in marketing especially how to use ai
    0:14:56 marketing this is the podcast for you kip and kieran share their marketing expertise unfiltered
    0:15:01 in the details the truth and like nobody else will tell it to you they recently had a great episode
    0:15:09 called using chat tbt 03 to plan our 2025 marketing campaign it was full of like actual insights as well
    0:15:16 as just things i had not thought of about how to apply ai to marketing i highly suggest you check it out
    0:15:20 listen to marketing against the grain wherever you get your podcasts
    0:15:26 like i said before i was so surprised a lot of people haven’t talked about this because like
    0:15:31 for me like right now cursor is good for like something very simple like okay change some
    0:15:37 buttons or change some links or change whatever you know but anything complicated repo prompt i got like
    0:15:44 way way better results so i’m curious like you know have you ever thought about like this being used
    0:15:48 for things outside of coding and do you think would be useful for anything outside of coding yeah i mean
    0:15:52 i’ve gotten academics reach out to me telling me they’re using it for their work uh there’s folks
    0:15:57 in different fields for sure i think some of the ux has to probably improve a little bit but in general
    0:16:02 like you know if you’re working with plain text files um you know repo prompt can service those use
    0:16:07 cases for sure it’s all set up to read any kind of file and then apply edits to any kind of file too
    0:16:12 like i don’t differentiate if i can read it then i’ll apply edits for you and i think a whole bunch of work
    0:16:16 is around just like gathering context and kind of iterating on stuff like even you know in doing
    0:16:21 legal work i do think you know a flow that is still missing from this app it’s just that like
    0:16:25 kind of collaborative nature i think there’s still some work that needs to kind of be done to kind of
    0:16:29 make this a more collaborative tool make this a tool that that kind of syncs a little bit better with
    0:16:33 different things like for now like developers use git and like that’s that kind of collaboration
    0:16:38 bedrock but i think like lawyers need other things yeah yeah that’s something i think too is like yeah
    0:16:43 repo prompts super useful but you have to be a little bit more advanced like an average vibe coder
    0:16:48 the average person using an llm and uh yeah you know no offense you can kind of tell one person has
    0:16:52 built this you know it’s amazing but you can tell yeah yeah yeah no it’s all good i’m kind of curious
    0:16:56 like why did you not go the vc route where’s repo prompt at right now like where is it now and what’s
    0:17:00 your plan for it you know i’ve had a lot of folks you know bring that up to me and they’re kind of
    0:17:04 thinking through like you know why not vc or whatever and i think it’s not something that the
    0:17:10 door’s closed on forever it’s just i think right now it’s it’s work i’m able to build and you know i’m
    0:17:14 able to kind of listen to my users and pay attention to what they need and i think it’s just
    0:17:20 not super clear to me like where this all goes you know like this is an app that is like super useful
    0:17:25 and it’s like helping me and i’m able to build it but like is it something that necessarily makes sense
    0:17:29 to like have like you know a hundred million dollars invested into it to grow a huge team to like
    0:17:34 build maybe i don’t know but like you know i want to kind of take things as they go as well and
    0:17:38 you know right now i’m able to to monetize it a bit you know it’s got some passionate users
    0:17:43 you know it’s working well this way but again like it’s all new you know to me like i’ve not
    0:17:47 gone through this whole you know vc story myself i’ve had friends who kind of shy me away from it but
    0:17:51 you know i i try to like listen to the folks around me too and see where yeah there’s pluses and minuses
    0:17:56 to vc like you’ll hear on twitter and things like that like people who are like oh vc is horrible or oh
    0:18:01 it’s amazing you know there’s good and bad to all of it yeah you know i feel like everything with ai
    0:18:04 right now is like who knows what’s going to happen like yeah in a year everything could be
    0:18:11 different in five years who the hell knows right yeah like right now because ai is such a big wave
    0:18:15 that’s why we call the show the next wave right it’s such a large wave of transformation happening
    0:18:21 that you are going to see the largest investments ever yeah i think in history yeah as well as the
    0:18:25 largest acquisitions ever yeah and i think these are have yet to come yeah we’re like in the early
    0:18:30 part of this transition i think the best two routes for you in my opinion would be either to go
    0:18:35 really big and go the vc route or to go more like hey who knows what’s going to happen with it i just
    0:18:39 want to like get my name out there and i can leverage my name for something else in the future
    0:18:43 and like open source it that’s my kind of thought on strategically what i would do it’s like either go
    0:18:48 really big or open source it and make it free and just put it out there and say yeah you know and get
    0:18:52 some reputation benefit from it there is a free tier it’s not open source yeah but there is a feature you
    0:18:56 know the thing about open source actually is something i’ve thought about a lot and the big issue with it
    0:19:01 right now especially as people are building ai tools is that like it’s never been easier to fork
    0:19:07 a project and kind of go off and just build it as a competitor if you’ve looked at client like client’s
    0:19:11 a big tool you know that came around actually started around a similar time as me working on repo prompt
    0:19:16 and uh if you’re not familiar the client is an ai agent that sits in vs code and it’s pretty cool but
    0:19:21 the thing that is not so cool about it is that it eats your tokens for lunch like that thing will
    0:19:25 churn through your wallet like faster than any other tool that exists just because it goes off
    0:19:30 and reads files stuffs the context as big as possible so a lot of people really enjoy using
    0:19:33 it because it has good results for certain things but yeah that cost is very high but the thing that
    0:19:37 i was trying to bring up with this is that like so client was actually forked a few months ago by
    0:19:41 another team of developers and it’s called bruise the alternative and if you look at open router
    0:19:45 and some stats like bruise actually surpassing client and so you know that fork is now overtaking the
    0:19:49 original and you know that’s the kind of space that we’re in where like different teams will kind of
    0:19:52 take your code take it in their direction and then all of a sudden they’ve overtaken you and
    0:19:57 you know you kind of lose track of you know where things are going there so like it’s a crazy space
    0:20:01 it’s never been easier to open pull requests with ai you don’t need to understand the code you’re like
    0:20:05 oh i have this open source project i’m just going to fork it and add my features and kind of go and
    0:20:10 and it’s a tricky thing but like you know having a free version and kind of trying to ship and grow a
    0:20:15 community of users who are passionate who like you can talk back to you and you know i mean that’s kind of
    0:20:18 the route i’ve taken right now and it’s kind of been working so far i was in beta for a long time
    0:20:22 yeah you know it’s still new figuring out where to go next with it and it’s mac only right now is that
    0:20:26 correct yeah that’s true it’s mac only and i think a part of that is that i started off you know just
    0:20:30 kind of trying to think about like you know how do i build this in a good way and the problem is like
    0:20:35 i immediately ran into issues trying to build for different platforms and like i spent a bunch of time
    0:20:40 debugging just getting svg icon rendering you know all these little things that are just like rabbit holes
    0:20:44 and you’re like okay well you’re so abstracted from the base of like what’s happening and you spend a lot of time
    0:20:49 just solving build issues that it’s like well i’m just gonna go ahead and do build native and just run with it
    0:20:54 and have better performance doing so like you know if you open an ide like vs code you open up like a huge repo
    0:21:00 what actually happens is that it’ll load the file tree and it will just kind of lazy load everything
    0:21:04 like not everything needs to load because if you’re opening an ide you know as a coder traditionally
    0:21:08 you only have a couple files open at a time maybe you have a dozen right you’re not going to be
    0:21:13 processing 50 000 files at the same time but an ai model can you know if you give it to gemini like
    0:21:17 gemini will want all those files it will want as much as you can give it because they can read all
    0:21:23 of it and so you need a tool that is built different that is kind of organized in a way where it’s kind
    0:21:29 of thinking first through that performance of mass data processing that you need to kind of do it’s a
    0:21:33 whole different way of working that’s why it’s native because like i want that performance processing all
    0:21:38 these files there’s all this concurrency happening where you’re like in parallel editing these files
    0:21:42 like processing them and doing all this stuff like it’s very hard to do if you’re just you know using
    0:21:45 javascript or typescript when i use repo prompt it seems like you’ve done a really great job of building
    0:21:51 it it works really well it is all just you like right now yeah it is just me yeah i’ve been working
    0:21:56 on it a lot yeah that’s crazy yeah it’s come a long way i iterated a lot on it you know but that’s
    0:21:59 the power of dogfooding too like if you’re not feeling like folks listening dogfooding is when you like
    0:22:04 kind of use your own product to iterate on it and build with it and you kind of make it a habit of
    0:22:08 making sure that you’re a number one user of your app you know your own product to make sure that you
    0:22:13 see all the stuff that sucks about it and for the longest time like you know it’s really sucked and
    0:22:18 just that struggle and that that pain of using it and forcing yourself to feel that pain like that’s
    0:22:22 what makes it good that’s where you’re able to kind of feel those things that the users using the
    0:22:26 app will feel and and that’s when you end up with something that is great in the end so where do you
    0:22:31 think repo prompt is going like long term which maybe now maybe long term now means like one year
    0:22:35 where’s repo prompt going next year that’s long term it’s hard to say honestly like it’s weird you know
    0:22:40 like in december like open ai announces oh three and they’re like oh it beats all the arc agi tests
    0:22:44 and you’re like well is this agi like what is this like and then it kind of shifts and it’s like okay i
    0:22:50 mean like it’s a better model it lies to you it’s not like uh the messiah you know right so it’s hard to
    0:22:55 say like i don’t know like where we go like i have ideas on like where the future is one year from now
    0:22:59 i think i’ll have to adapt this product and keep iterating on it to kind of stay relevant so it’s
    0:23:04 going to keep changing but like i think that the flow i’m kind of pushing towards of that context
    0:23:09 building i think that remains relevant for a while longer and what improves is the layers of automation
    0:23:14 around that work yeah so i think like long term i still think that is kind of the vibe that i want
    0:23:19 to go towards though i think just like integrating mcp just embracing that like universality of all
    0:23:23 of these different tools so for folks listening if they’re not sure what is mcp is another acronym
    0:23:29 we got lots of an ai so the idea there is traditionally if you use like claude or open ai they have tools
    0:23:32 and those tools you know one of them could be like search the web or one of them could be like read the
    0:23:37 files on your thing or look up documentation or these kinds of things and there’s this protocol mcp
    0:23:43 that like creates like an abstraction layer so that any client app can implement this protocol
    0:23:48 and then users can bring their own tools so if a user comes in and says like oh i want to use and
    0:23:51 there’s this new one that’s really cool it’s called context seven where basically they’ve gone ahead
    0:23:56 built a server that fetches the latest documentation for whatever programming language you’re using and
    0:23:59 we’ll kind of pull that in as context so you can say okay great fetch the latest angular docs or
    0:24:03 whatever docs you care about and then you can bring that in so that kind of work where you’re like
    0:24:08 doing that context retrieval that’s super important or like stripe has one too where basically all the
    0:24:12 docs for their tool is set up and you know you just plug in the stripe mcp and then
    0:24:15 all of a sudden if you’re trying to vibe code your way through integrating stripe like that’s
    0:24:20 super easy that the work is kind of handled you can plug in your api keys onto it so it can even talk
    0:24:24 to the back end for you that whole work is kind of automated so it’s all about having tools for
    0:24:28 folks using these models to kind of automate connecting to different services in this like
    0:24:32 universe of all these different you know services that exist in the world yeah i kind of think of it
    0:24:36 most i mean it’s different than xml but for me i think of it as almost more just kind of xml is like
    0:24:41 the information language that ai can understand mcp is like the same thing with any service you want to
    0:24:46 use or tool it knows how for the ai to know how to work with those things yeah and funny enough you
    0:24:50 mention xml because that’s actually one of the things that i do a lot with rebomb is parsing xml
    0:24:54 and i think one strength there that i have that like a lot of other tools are kind of ignoring
    0:24:58 so traditionally when you’re working with these language models as a developer and you can see
    0:25:03 this if you use chat you’d be like hey like um search the web it’s going to use the search tool
    0:25:08 and you’ll see it say you call tool search and it’ll go through but what happens when it’s doing that
    0:25:15 is that basically it calls that tool it stops waits for the result and then continues i think a bit like
    0:25:20 the robot is kind of being reboot as a new session with that new context because basically every tool
    0:25:25 call is a new query so you’re giving back the old information but you’re not necessarily talking to
    0:25:29 that same instance it’s like a different ai instance that is answering your question from the
    0:25:33 new checkpoint so like that’s like a weird thing so you know as you’re making all of these tool calls if
    0:25:37 you use cursor you know it’ll make like 100 tool calls but by the end of it you know you’ve gone
    0:25:41 through 25 different instances of these models and then you get a result at the end and you’re like
    0:25:45 well you know it’s like weird like what actually happened you know there’s some data loss like weird
    0:25:48 stuff you know we don’t know how this is yeah it doesn’t seem like that could create like reliability
    0:25:52 issues right because like you know the lms like sometimes they give you amazing results and other
    0:25:56 times yeah it’s like oh what is this and so every time you’re doing a new tool it sounds like you’re
    0:26:00 almost recreating the chance of it going wrong in a way exactly yeah you’re you’re aggregating these
    0:26:04 issues but you don’t even know where that info there could be different servers that are actually
    0:26:08 processing all these different tool calls and yeah it’s weird sometimes you’ll have like oh that server
    0:26:12 has some like chip issue on its memory and like that actually causes some weird issues where
    0:26:16 claude is actually really dumb today um but on the other one it’s it’s a lot smarter because
    0:26:20 their chip the memory chip is working fine you know you don’t know right so that kind of thing so
    0:26:23 just to close that back you know what i’m doing yeah the way that i’ve kind of gone about this is
    0:26:29 the way i call tools is you have your xml and the ai will just answer in one instance and it’ll
    0:26:32 just give you the whole thing and it can call a bunch of tools in there it can be like hey like i
    0:26:37 want to call this this do this and this and then i just parse that and then bulk call the tools
    0:26:41 and then get the results and then we go another instance with the results and you can kind of
    0:26:45 go back and forth like that so like not have to wait on each single one you’re actually just
    0:26:49 bulk sending them out getting that data it’s a lot more efficient you’re able to process say like 25
    0:26:54 queries you know get 2325 we’ll bring them all in you know let’s work from there and see how it goes
    0:26:57 and so that kind of thinking so i think there’s a lot to kind of play with in terms of you know how
    0:27:01 you’re even getting this data back and forth from the llms because at the end of the day it’s all text
    0:27:05 you know text and images maybe um some video in some cases but like really text just for your coding
    0:27:09 like that’s that’s the thing that you’re working with and you can do a lot with text manipulating
    0:27:14 it and playing with it to kind of get good output so what do you think i’ve heard you know yc and
    0:27:18 others i think gary tan said that i can’t remember what’s 80 but i think he said like 80 of the code
    0:27:23 for the the startups going through yc right now is ai generated that number could be wrong do you think
    0:27:28 in three years from now do we still have like normal engineers who don’t use ai at all is that a real
    0:27:32 thing do you still have the holdouts well first of all like i think saying a percent like that of how
    0:27:37 much of it is ai generated it’s a bit misleading to be hyped too yeah like i can go ahead and like
    0:27:42 every line of code i could basically like type it in pseudocode to the ai model and like have it paste
    0:27:47 it back in as like a fleshed out javascript function and say 100 of my code is written by ai
    0:27:52 it really depends on how your workflow is what your pipeline looks like i do think fundamentally the job
    0:27:56 of an engineer has changed it’s already done it’s already completely different like you can’t you can’t
    0:28:00 work the same way but it depends on what point in the stack you’re working on like i i work for some folks
    0:28:05 who do some like really low level you know graphics work and i talked to someone about like how they can’t
    0:28:09 really use ai models because the ai models just hallucinates everything like it’s just not trained
    0:28:14 on anything that they work on so it’s just useless for them but then if you work out someone who’s a
    0:28:18 you know web developer well 100 of the code like like 98 of the training code is web code and web
    0:28:23 framework code and so it’s like okay well yeah 100 of that work can be done by ai it’s really easy
    0:28:28 so it really depends on where you are in the stack what kind of tool you’re working with and you know
    0:28:33 how well the ai models can help you in that but i think like as we move forward more and more you’re
    0:28:37 going to want to have ai models thinking through hard problems for you because it just happens much
    0:28:41 faster as they get better at math at solving like you know connectivity architecture like architecture
    0:28:47 something that like these 03 and 01 pro and hopefully 03 pro is just excel at they’re they’re very good
    0:28:52 at finding good ways of like organizing your code and helping you plan how you connect things together
    0:28:56 and i think that’s a big part of software engineering in general is just organizing your code because the
    0:29:00 actual process of writing it like you know that’s not the fun part or even the interesting part it’s
    0:29:05 that part of organizing and and i think a human job with this is to like iterate on those plans
    0:29:09 iterate on these ideas because that’s like the kernel of what an ai will generate code with yeah so i
    0:29:13 think that’s where the work is you know i used to open the editor like when i’m working on repo prompt
    0:29:19 i don’t write a ton of code by hand like most of it is done by ai but like i spent a lot of time
    0:29:24 thinking about architecture i spent a lot of time thinking about problems and debugging and thinking
    0:29:28 through like i won’t just like hit the button and say like solve my problems fix my bug like that’s just
    0:29:32 not helpful but like if i read through the code i’ll be like okay like i i think there’s like a
    0:29:36 data race going on over here this part connecting to this part like there’s some concurrency issue
    0:29:41 i’ll add some logs okay great i’ve got some idea of like what’s going on here perfect then you can
    0:29:45 kind of feed that data into the ai model and have it kind of think through you know a resolution and often
    0:29:50 once you’ve done those steps of troubleshooting the ai model can solve your problems but you have to sit
    0:29:55 down and think through how things are connected and understand what is actually happening so i think
    0:30:00 that’s kind of where that work changes that’s a great uh engineering answer yeah i’m looking for
    0:30:04 the thing that goes viral on x right that you know like yeah yeah all engineers will be gone next year
    0:30:10 this kind of thing you know listen the job is fully changed i think from today on like if you’re not
    0:30:13 using these tools you’re not learning how they work like i think that’s like an issue because like i don’t
    0:30:17 think you know a traditional engineer who spends his whole career just typing code up like that doesn’t
    0:30:22 exist anymore but what does exist is someone who understands code and who can read it and who
    0:30:26 understands you know what questions to ask and if you’re prompting like about the code if you
    0:30:30 understand you know the connections that’s where you’re going to get the best results and that’s why
    0:30:34 like a tool like repo prompt is so helpful because you’re able to do that and feed the right context in
    0:30:39 but if you’re just saying like make the button blue or like move it over here i mean that works for to some
    0:30:43 extent you know if as long as your instructions are simple enough and you know what you want you can get
    0:30:47 there but like at a certain point you fall off and you know that’s when it stops working and maybe that
    0:30:51 point where you fall off gets further and further as the models improve but i don’t think that like in
    0:30:56 the next 10 years we get to a point where that point stops existing uh one thing that we didn’t talk
    0:31:00 about that i was kind of curious to talk about was like what do you do at unity so what i do there is
    0:31:05 i’ve been doing uh kind of xr research and xr engineering and so i work on a toolkit called the xr
    0:31:11 interaction toolkit and basically it’s a framework for developers to build interactions with xr so if
    0:31:16 you’re if you’re putting on an oculus quest or you’re a hololens or you know like uh apple vision
    0:31:20 pro you want to basically interact with objects in your scene in your world you know like in ar if
    0:31:24 you’re walking up and you want to pick up a virtual cube like how do you process that interaction of
    0:31:28 you grabbing the cube and picking it up and looking at it so that’s like i’ve done a lot of research on
    0:31:32 that that interaction of like input like i’ve written specs that are adopted for like the industry
    0:31:37 in terms of hand interaction so like you know just tracking your hands how do you grasp something what
    0:31:40 should you be doing if you want to poke a button that’s like not there like what does that look
    0:31:44 like so that kind of stuff that’s that’s what i do there that’s amazing it’s like that’s a really
    0:31:49 complicated engineering work how are you doing that doing a repo prompt and then you have a baby like
    0:31:56 yeah how are you doing all this i mean i don’t have a lot of free time obviously i uh yeah yeah but
    0:32:01 i’m passionate about what i do at work too and and then repo prompts you know this is my other baby
    0:32:04 and i just think a big part of it is just you know when folks come to me and there’s like
    0:32:09 something that’s like bugging them about the app you know i i just get like an itch and i have to
    0:32:14 fix it for them yeah so like i just keep tricking on it and but i try to get some sleep in so i don’t
    0:32:17 cut through that too much one thing i was thinking about too is like i have a son 11 year old you’ve
    0:32:22 got a baby yeah this actually one reason i even like you know helped start this podcast was i’m
    0:32:26 constantly thinking about where ai is going and wanting to stay ahead yeah and also think about what
    0:32:31 does it mean for me and my family like quite honestly you know the selfish level and people used to
    0:32:34 ask me like when my son was born because he was born in san francisco around tons of like
    0:32:39 founders and vcs all the kind of people to be around like the birthday parties right it was all
    0:32:43 people from like yc and people like that and it’d be asking me like you know what do you think your
    0:32:48 son should do in the future what will his job be you know this is like 11 years ago and i was talking
    0:32:52 about drones like he probably needs to be like a drone defense engineer like building anti-drone
    0:32:57 systems or something it would be my common line that i would say at parties but now with ai like
    0:33:02 because at that point we did not know ai would advance as fast as it has no it’s just happened
    0:33:05 so fast right it was all just like a some stuff out of a book it was like oh yeah sure they’re
    0:33:10 talking at stanford and they got some cool demos but like nothing’s working yeah now it’s working so
    0:33:14 like with your child have you thought about that yet like oh of course what do you think they should
    0:33:20 learn i have no idea yeah i have no idea it’s everyone right like like what do you even teach your
    0:33:25 children like is it is it important to learn to code is it we teach them logic morals probably all of this
    0:33:30 in more yeah flexible and super fluid i think so you know but it is funny on that topic i look at
    0:33:36 engineers coming out and learning to code with ai around and i think they’re at a disadvantage you
    0:33:40 know it’s unfortunate that like you know if you’re starting to code today and you have ai to lean on
    0:33:44 you just don’t have that struggle you just don’t have the pain that like i had to go through when i
    0:33:48 started to code when you know when engineers who’ve been in the field for so long that had to struggle
    0:33:53 and not get the dopamine hit of a fixed problem right away like to study it and understand how it
    0:33:57 works like that just doesn’t exist anymore because the ai just solves it for you and i think that’s
    0:34:01 true in the code but it’s going to be more and more true in every field and so i think like there’s
    0:34:06 going to be a need for people to have the restraint to kind of put aside these tools to struggle a little
    0:34:12 bit i think there’s a ton of value in kind of using them to learn and grow but there’s also like that
    0:34:17 restraint that you need to form to kind of have the struggle because that’s where the learning is and
    0:34:21 it’s really tricky and i and i don’t know how you you solve that now because it’s it’s too easy not to
    0:34:26 struggle now which which is a big problem yeah i’ve heard uh jonathan blow and if you know of him
    0:34:31 of course yeah the game designer he talks about exactly what you’re saying that you know it’s in
    0:34:35 the future like yeah sure ai could get amazing at coding in the future but it’s also going to create
    0:34:39 issue where like just like you said people are not going to learn to properly code he was already
    0:34:45 complaining about before ai the code was and then now with ai it’s like okay now we’re kind of
    0:34:48 screwed i guess because like we’re gonna have a situation where like no one knows what’s going on
    0:34:54 and like yeah you’re entirely dependent on the ai for everything yeah it’s a crutch so easy to reach
    0:34:59 for and what do humans do but that’s the thing i think maybe that’s the middle part you know where
    0:35:02 where we’re at this point where it’s like the ai is just not quite good enough to kind of solve
    0:35:06 all the problems and you still have problems to solve and you still have people that need to kind
    0:35:10 of work with the machines to kind of figure out how to go maybe at some point in the future
    0:35:14 all of it is moot i know some folks think that and maybe it doesn’t matter but i think you know
    0:35:17 there’s going to be some discomfort in the middle where you know the machines are not quite good
    0:35:22 enough to solve every problem we lean on them as if they are and then you know we’re kind of atrophying
    0:35:26 a lot of skills that we we’ve heard you know i haven’t driven in a tesla with fsd but i’ve heard
    0:35:30 folks say the same thing there where like if they’re using it all the time they actually like suck at
    0:35:34 driving without it and it’s like right you know like more and more that’s going to kind of be a thing
    0:35:38 where we’re like you’re that that is the thing where we start to go like to like we’re like
    0:35:42 almost living in like one of those sci-fi novels right like everything being super super safe you
    0:35:46 know i live in japan everything you used to live in san francisco everything’s super safe in japan
    0:35:51 and there’s one reason i like it but you do lose some freedom in that yeah but do i really want my son
    0:35:57 you know driving now like if i really think about it there’s an alternative um yeah not necessarily you
    0:36:01 know i agree i mean i have that same debate with my wife you know was saying like i don’t think our
    0:36:05 daughter is gonna ever have a driver’s license and she’s like i don’t think so you know like we’ll see but
    0:36:09 i don’t know like there is the safety part for sure and i think that’s like really interesting and
    0:36:15 and hopefully like that is the case that like ai just does make it safer out yeah right so eric it’s
    0:36:19 been awesome and uh maybe we should you know tell people where they can find you and uh where they
    0:36:27 can find repo prompt and yeah so i’m uh puncher with a v on x so it’s like pvn ch er on x uh and
    0:36:30 most most socialists my handle all over so you can reach out there my dms are open if you have
    0:36:36 questions and repo prompts uh repo prompt.com so you can just head over there and uh find the app
    0:36:40 free to download and uh nice discord community too if you want to hop over there and send me some
    0:36:44 messages and tell me what you think like please do yeah thanks for having me on nathan it’s been
    0:36:48 great chatting with you yeah appreciate it it’s been great yeah yeah yeah had a lot of fun cheers
    0:36:50 likewise take care all right

    Episode 57: Can simply “Vibe coding” with AI really replace the need for deep code context when building real applications? Nathan Lands (https://x.com/NathanLands) is joined by Eric Provencher (https://x.com/pvncher), founder of Repo Prompt and an XR engineer at Unity, to reveal the secret AI prompt tool quietly powering Silicon Valley’s top engineers.

    This episode dives deep into why the current trend of “Vibe coding” with tools like Cursor often falls apart for complex tasks — and how Repo Prompt closes the gap by letting you build effective, highly targeted context for AI coding. Eric breaks down the philosophy behind contextual prompting, gives a live demo, and shares how Repo Prompt’s unique features like the context builder and codemaps give power-users real control over LLMs like Gemini and Claude. Beyond coding, they discuss implications for the future of engineering, learning, and the evolution of dev tools in the age of AI.

    Check out The Next Wave YouTube Channel if you want to see Matt and Nathan on screen: https://lnk.to/thenextwavepd

    Show Notes:

    • (00:00) Vibe Coding Myths Unveiled

    • (03:15) Repo Navigation for Flutter Devs

    • (06:37) Gemini 2.5 Extends Model Context

    • (11:18) Automating File Rewrites with AI

    • (15:33) The Next AI Wave

    • (20:58) MCP: User-Customizable Tool Integration

    • (23:53) Efficient AI Tool Integration

    • (28:32) XR Interaction Toolkit Developer

    • (31:01) AI’s Impact on Coding Learning

    Mentions:

    Get the guide to build your own Custom GPT: https://clickhubspot.com/tnw

    Check Out Matt’s Stuff:

    • Future Tools – https://futuretools.beehiiv.com/

    • Blog – https://www.mattwolfe.com/

    • YouTube- https://www.youtube.com/@mreflow

    Check Out Nathan’s Stuff:

    The Next Wave is a HubSpot Original Podcast // Brought to you by Hubspot Media // Production by Darren Clarke // Editing by Ezra Bakker Trupiano

  • The Most Valuable Learned Skill For Any Founder

    AI transcript
    0:00:05 I love the show Ted Lasso, because it’s like an example of, I call it getting Ted Lasso’d now,
    0:00:13 which is when a Brit has twice the intelligence or knowledge, but the American has 10x the agency
    0:00:16 or confidence, and as a result, they achieve five times more.
    0:00:18 That was brilliant.
    0:00:29 George, you had an interesting career because you were at Social Chain early on.
    0:00:33 So if people know Steve Bartlett from Divers here, he was there early.
    0:00:37 So now he then created a successful marketing agency.
    0:00:41 And then a couple weeks ago, you came out with this thing.
    0:00:44 It was called highagency.com.
    0:00:45 Let me give the background here.
    0:00:49 George got obsessed with the way that Nikola Tesla fell in love with a pigeon.
    0:00:52 George fell in love with this idea of high agency.
    0:00:54 He started tweeting about it, started blogging about it.
    0:00:57 He’s like, I’m going to write a handbook on this thing.
    0:01:02 He started making it like his sole focus for at least, what, six months, George?
    0:01:03 Well, I’d say five years.
    0:01:09 Five years is when I first started thinking about the idea when Eric Weinstein mentioned it.
    0:01:12 And then I started writing about it.
    0:01:15 I got advice that it would never take off as an idea.
    0:01:21 Interestingly, since we did our podcast last time when we discussed it, the idea or the meme as a whole has become bigger and bigger and bigger.
    0:01:23 By the way, it’s not five years.
    0:01:26 When I Googled your name, I Googled George Mack High Agency.
    0:01:28 You were tweeting about this in November of 2018.
    0:01:30 Oh, seven.
    0:01:35 So let’s explain it in the easy way to explain it.
    0:01:36 We can put this visual up on YouTube.
    0:01:45 So high agency, like the meme that stands out to me is there’s a dude deserted on an island and person is two people.
    0:01:50 Person A takes like the wood from the island and they try to spell the word help.
    0:01:53 And they’re just sitting there waiting to be helped.
    0:01:55 They’re hoping somebody comes and saves them.
    0:02:01 And then person B takes those letters and builds a little raft and starts paddling themselves.
    0:02:02 They start helping themselves.
    0:02:06 And, you know, one is a higher agency version than another, right?
    0:02:09 The guy who builds the boat and starts paddling is the higher agency version.
    0:02:13 And so what’s cool about this is you got obsessed with it.
    0:02:14 You got interested in the idea.
    0:02:15 Then you got obsessed with the idea.
    0:02:16 Then you committed to the idea.
    0:02:17 And you started writing this thing.
    0:02:20 And you were giving me updates saying you’re writing this for a while.
    0:02:23 And Sam, do you know the story of how he got highagency.com?
    0:02:24 No.
    0:02:26 Because he did not own that domain.
    0:02:28 It’s actually a very high agency story.
    0:02:29 Yeah.
    0:02:34 So one of the things I have in the piece is an exercise that I do.
    0:02:35 I recommend it.
    0:02:36 It’s called turning bullshit into reality.
    0:02:45 So the way most people kind of live in the 21st century is like this to-do list model where they empty short-term memory, like what’s caching in their memory.
    0:02:50 And then they do that thing that day versus the turning bullshit to reality model is you think of a value.
    0:02:52 That you want to hold or live up to.
    0:02:55 And then you come up with ideas based off that.
    0:02:57 So it’s a much more creative way of living the to-do list.
    0:03:01 So when I was actually writing the piece, it’s kind of like, well, you want to be the personal trainer who’s in shape.
    0:03:05 So I’d try and do some high agency stuff of like, how could I potentially promote this?
    0:03:11 So one of the things I was listing down as I do the turning bullshit to reality exercise was, what about if I just get highagency.com?
    0:03:15 And I kind of look and it’s like likely to be tens of thousands of dollars.
    0:03:20 But I then started reaching out to a few different brokers, a few little hacky people.
    0:03:26 And we realized that highagency.com, the person who’d owned it for like 20 years, I think it was an old agency.
    0:03:29 And it was about to expire when we looked at the domain.
    0:03:33 So we kind of sat there, waited for the moment that it would expire.
    0:03:37 And then it went into a little mini auction and nobody else online was aware of it.
    0:03:40 It was me and a marijuana, a cannabis marketing agency, which makes sense.
    0:03:42 High agency, I hadn’t thought of that.
    0:03:48 And yeah, managed to get it at like essentially for near as free as a result.
    0:03:50 So that’s an example of the turning bullshit into reality.
    0:03:55 And then when it came to actually promoting the piece, I was like, okay, let’s write down high agency.
    0:03:57 And then what are ways that I can display that value for promoting it?
    0:04:05 And I always go with my kind of facial muscles or if I start giggling at something, I go, that’s probably a good idea.
    0:04:11 And the one idea I had for promoting it was like, what if I take over Times Square for a blog post?
    0:04:14 So I was like, okay, I started giggling at that.
    0:04:17 That sounded like my gut’s telling me that’s the right direction to go.
    0:04:22 Started cold emailing, blasting people with obviously my background in advertising.
    0:04:25 How could I set up favors and move things around?
    0:04:30 And then for the day of the launch, I took over one Times Square with high agency, got me this billboard,
    0:04:34 highagency.com with my little Twitter icon taking over Times Square that day.
    0:04:36 Dude, that is awesome.
    0:04:39 How many views did this article get so far or that day?
    0:04:42 So I actually, I think I don’t track.
    0:04:43 I don’t track any of that.
    0:04:46 The one thing I do track is DMs and emails.
    0:04:49 Because I think, again, I’ve been in media for a while.
    0:04:57 And I think one of the biggest issues that we face with modern media is people go off width metrics because what gets measured gets managed.
    0:04:59 And it’s so easy to see view count.
    0:05:03 But it’s so, for example, if an episode gets a million views of yours, that’s great.
    0:05:10 But if 10,000 people listen to it five times, I would argue the latter is much better than the former.
    0:05:13 But right now, we don’t have that many ways of measuring depth metrics.
    0:05:19 So I prefer going off depth metrics, which are quality of people that DM me, quality of people that email me.
    0:05:26 And then one side effect that I did get is once every two days, somebody will say it made them cry, which was not the intention at all.
    0:05:28 So I haven’t paid attention to that.
    0:05:29 I just look at the depth metrics.
    0:05:36 So I wanted to do a little thing, which was like, what are examples of extreme high agency that we’ve personally experienced?
    0:05:42 Either something you did, something you didn’t do, a friend, somebody you admire, anything like that.
    0:05:46 I just wanted to kind of like quickly spitball what comes to mind.
    0:05:50 So you weren’t there on this podcast, but I did a podcast with this guy, Nick Mowbray.
    0:05:54 And Nick Mowbray’s episode, I don’t know if it has the most views.
    0:05:59 It is the most hardcore episode I’ve ever done on this podcast.
    0:06:02 I think the guy is the most impressive entrepreneur that’s ever been on the podcast.
    0:06:05 And we’ve done 700 episodes, something like that.
    0:06:07 And he’s a guy nobody’s ever even heard of.
    0:06:13 I think this is like a Elon level entrepreneur in terms of his level of agency.
    0:06:15 And agency is like the perfect word to describe him.
    0:06:18 So he talks about basically like just this.
    0:06:21 I’ll give you the simple examples and I’ll ramp to his most insane example.
    0:06:26 So he’s like him and his brother want to start a toy company straight out of like high school,
    0:06:26 basically.
    0:06:29 And so he’s 17, 18 years old.
    0:06:33 And he’s first, he goes door to door selling his brother’s like science fair project.
    0:06:37 So door to door sales already like, let’s say level one agency, right?
    0:06:39 That takes agency to go do that every single day.
    0:06:42 And he sells like thousands of units door to door.
    0:06:44 Then he’s like, okay, great.
    0:06:45 How are we going to produce thousands of units?
    0:06:46 We got to like ramp production.
    0:06:49 So they said, well, where do other toys get made?
    0:06:50 They get made in China.
    0:06:54 So they just pick up and they move to China with no money.
    0:06:58 They literally sleep on a sidewalk outside the airport on the first night.
    0:07:03 And the funniest part is he’s describing to me that they moved to China to set up their
    0:07:03 factory.
    0:07:06 And what I thought he meant was how everybody does it.
    0:07:08 You go to China and you find a factory that already does this.
    0:07:09 That’s the point of going to China.
    0:07:11 He didn’t even understand that.
    0:07:13 He’s like, dude, to say I was naive is an understatement.
    0:07:19 He’s like, we went to China and then we just built a factory with wood, but like by a
    0:07:21 river, we built a shed and that became our factory.
    0:07:25 And we found Chinese people and we employed them in the factory.
    0:07:26 We created our own factory.
    0:07:30 It’s like, besides the point of like, why is glamorizing it?
    0:07:30 It’s like hot.
    0:07:31 Exactly.
    0:07:35 And then as they’re pretty, he’s like, and by the way, worst product, you know, everybody
    0:07:37 says, oh, you know, product is everything.
    0:07:37 He’s like, we had the worst product.
    0:07:38 We just couldn’t even make it good.
    0:07:39 We were so bad at it.
    0:07:43 We just kept it, slept in the thing for like years, lived off a dollar a day.
    0:07:47 Budget, uh, like, you know, eating like the cheapest, you know, like food.
    0:07:49 They basically employed this Chinese woman from the village to make them rice every day.
    0:07:52 He’s like, I was like, so how did you get like distribution?
    0:07:53 Cause they’re everywhere.
    0:07:54 They’re in Walmart.
    0:07:55 They’re in every store.
    0:08:01 And he goes, I would email every buyer of every retail store in every geography every day.
    0:08:03 That was my day.
    0:08:06 He’s like, and eventually they were like, dude, we don’t want it.
    0:08:07 He’s like, ah, so you’re here.
    0:08:08 You replied.
    0:08:08 Great.
    0:08:10 We’d love to tell you about our latest product.
    0:08:13 And then, and finally, you know, they would, someone would crack and be like, all right,
    0:08:14 just send me the sample.
    0:08:16 Or like, look, I’m going to the show.
    0:08:17 Please stop emailing me.
    0:08:18 If you’re there, I’ll meet with you.
    0:08:18 I’ll give you 20 minutes.
    0:08:20 And he used that to scrape and claw.
    0:08:25 So he just, he’s describing all of this, his journey for him and his brother to bootstrap
    0:08:28 a toy company that became the biggest toy company in the world.
    0:08:32 He made, they make a billion dollars a year of profit, the two brothers with no outside
    0:08:33 investors.
    0:08:37 Then he’s getting a, he got his intestines removed or something like that.
    0:08:40 He basically like, he got a Crohn’s disease or something like that.
    0:08:40 I forgot what it was.
    0:08:44 He had to go get like his, like half his intestine removed or something like that.
    0:08:50 While he’s recovering on his like kind of sick bed, he decides to go into a new space and
    0:08:52 he creates the world’s most popular diaper brand.
    0:08:55 The fastest selling diaper brand in the world right now is Rascals.
    0:09:00 He created that and then he also created like the fastest growing hair care brand on TikTok.
    0:09:01 Like this guy’s just prolific, right?
    0:09:03 And I just couldn’t believe it.
    0:09:05 And so it just blew my mind.
    0:09:09 It showed me like there’s so many levels of agency above where I’m at.
    0:09:10 I couldn’t believe it.
    0:09:14 George, do you think that crazy people like that are born or do they learn it?
    0:09:15 Or can you learn it?
    0:09:19 One thing, like a model from cognitive behavioral therapy is black or white thinking.
    0:09:22 So people will go, is it nature or is it nurture?
    0:09:26 And realistically, it’s probably somewhere on a spectrum.
    0:09:29 That’s what I kind of call it, the high agency spectrum.
    0:09:32 And I think there’s definitely people who have genetic advantages.
    0:09:39 Balaji had a great line the other day of when communism ended, we could, the Soviets could
    0:09:41 discuss profit for the first time.
    0:09:45 And he was talking about with wokeness ending, maybe we can discuss genetics for the first
    0:09:46 time.
    0:09:51 And I feel that, yes, genetics definitely plays a component, but I would say that can
    0:09:54 then be quite a low agency for you to then just outsource it purely to your genetics.
    0:10:01 So I think it definitely plays a component, but you can definitely have agency over your agency.
    0:10:07 And I think the way I would immediately explain that is that it’s possible to, you could imagine,
    0:10:11 regardless of the genetic role of the dice, it’s possible to decrease somebody’s agency.
    0:10:14 Therefore, it’s possible to increase somebody’s agency.
    0:10:19 And I just look at it like the easiest example I look at is the difference between my British
    0:10:21 friends and my American friends.
    0:10:28 I kind of, I love to show Ted Lasso because it’s like an example of, I call it getting Ted
    0:10:34 Lasso now, which is when a Brit has twice the intelligence or knowledge, but the American
    0:10:38 has 10x the agency or confidence.
    0:10:40 And as a result, they achieve five times more.
    0:10:44 So, by the way, I think I said, that’s brilliant.
    0:10:49 And I think I’ve said on the podcast to my British friends, the difference in American culture and
    0:10:53 British culture is watching the British office and the American office.
    0:10:56 In the American office, the guy always gets the girl.
    0:11:00 There’s a little bit of laughing at each other, but it’s more like we’re laughing together and
    0:11:01 it always ends well.
    0:11:03 But in the British office, it’s kind of mean.
    0:11:06 And like the guy does not get the girl off at times.
    0:11:07 It actually ends sad.
    0:11:13 The British show is more realistic and was less successful than the American version of the
    0:11:13 office too.
    0:11:19 But the Ted Lasso example is way better because it’s so true that you like see this optimistic
    0:11:22 person and he’s in a room full of haters.
    0:11:26 And that kind of reminds me of my British versus American friends.
    0:11:29 There’s a crazy stat around universities.
    0:11:34 So, the top 10 universities in the world, I believe three are British and three are American.
    0:11:38 So, when you actually look at our intellect, I think you could argue we’re at least a smart
    0:11:40 or at least the British sound smarter.
    0:11:41 We have that going for us.
    0:11:46 However, when it then comes to entrepreneurial output of those universities, America is like
    0:11:47 five times higher.
    0:11:54 Even the example of a lot of the AI innovation came from the UK, but then the actual execution
    0:11:55 happens in the US.
    0:11:56 So, yeah.
    0:12:01 So, to go back to your point, I think using the UK versus the US as an example goes to show
    0:12:06 you’ve got similar wide distribution of genetics going on, but a completely different output
    0:12:07 as a result.
    0:12:11 You said something that we passed over, but I thought it was actually a pretty good insight,
    0:12:15 which was you pay attention to the, you said it in a very intellectual way, you’re like
    0:12:18 your pictures of the facial muscles, but really what you’re saying was, if it makes me laugh,
    0:12:21 there’s actually some merit in the idea, right?
    0:12:24 The idea that makes me giggle is the one I should double click into.
    0:12:31 And I just thought, have you seen this email that basically kick-started Airbnb?
    0:12:36 So, Airbnb, which today, I don’t know, $100 billion company or so, the email that kicked
    0:12:38 it off is a public email you can read.
    0:12:41 And it’s from Joe Gabbia, and he’s emailing Brian, and he goes, Brian, I thought of a way
    0:12:44 to make a few bucks, again, becomes a $100 billion company.
    0:12:48 Thought of a way to make a few bucks, turning our place into a designer’s bed and breakfast.
    0:12:53 We could let young designers come into town and crash at our place during the four-day event.
    0:12:53 There’s like a conference.
    0:12:58 And we’ll give them Wi-Fi, a small desk, a sleeping mat, and breakfast every morning.
    0:12:59 Ha!
    0:13:02 And if it’s hot with an exclamation point at the end, Joe.
    0:13:04 And he leaves it with that.
    0:13:06 That’s such a good email that it sounds fake.
    0:13:12 And so, I remember, like, pointing out that I think any idea that ends with, that, like,
    0:13:14 genuinely, you would be like, ha!
    0:13:19 Like, if that’s your genuine feel to end of it, there’s a lot of potential in those types
    0:13:19 of ideas.
    0:13:26 I, my one that I was afraid for saying for a while, because I thought I might get cancelled,
    0:13:30 but then when I explain it, I think it kind of makes sense.
    0:13:33 So, this is obviously the TikTok clip that gets me cancelled.
    0:13:35 But then I’ll explain.
    0:13:35 So, don’t clip it.
    0:13:41 Essentially, I think child labor is underpriced.
    0:13:43 Let me explain.
    0:13:48 Obviously, the classic child labor that we see in the world now is truly atrocious, horrific.
    0:13:50 And anybody involved in that, I wish them hell.
    0:13:59 However, we went through a model of children working, for example, in the UK, cleaning chimneys.
    0:14:02 And obviously, then that got completely outlawed, largely got outlawed across the world.
    0:14:09 But I think now, there will be, thanks to AI and the teaching collapse, I think, I’ve always
    0:14:13 said for a while, and I think AI has now accelerated this, is that you’ll see the first teenage,
    0:14:18 first self-made teenage billionaire by the end, by 2030.
    0:14:24 And I think that, that makes me giggle when I say it, and I think it’s true.
    0:14:29 I think that is a very bold prediction.
    0:14:30 It doesn’t even seem crazy.
    0:14:35 Dude, we had a guy on the podcast the other day, who was 17 years old, who had a business
    0:14:36 doing $30 million a year in revenue.
    0:14:44 So I have an idea, which is the next Y Combinator only invests between the age of 11 to 18 years
    0:14:44 old.
    0:14:47 First off, nobody’s funding them, because they can’t.
    0:14:49 You’ve got the homeschooling boom right now.
    0:14:54 One of the criticisms beforehand would be, they’re in school, so they can’t do it.
    0:14:55 But you’re obviously seeing that decay away.
    0:14:58 As well as, how would adults take them seriously?
    0:15:04 But now with smaller teams, and the ability to hide behind a cartoon or whatever, I think
    0:15:06 now is the time that we will see it.
    0:15:12 When Sean first told me about, I think it was on this podcast, Sean, or I forget when, but
    0:15:15 you or someone told me about Peter Thiel’s-
    0:15:15 Thiel Fellowship.
    0:15:21 Yeah, and he was like, he’s going to give you $150,000 to drop out of college and start
    0:15:22 a company.
    0:15:24 That was one of those, it doesn’t seem ridiculous now.
    0:15:26 It’s the opposite of stay in school, kids.
    0:15:29 He was like, I’ll pay you to leave school, kids.
    0:15:30 That was his idea.
    0:15:34 And when that idea came out, I felt the same thing, where it was like, that’s insane.
    0:15:34 Wait, what?
    0:15:35 You can’t do that.
    0:15:39 And then everyone goes through the same mental model, although some people, it will take 10
    0:15:41 years because they’ll see the results nowadays.
    0:15:45 But other people like me, it took me a few weeks where I’m like, that’s crazy.
    0:15:47 And then it’s like, that’s crazy, right?
    0:15:49 And you’re like, is this crazy?
    0:15:51 Oh, this is actually kind of awesome.
    0:15:56 And then Ethereum comes out of that, and Figma comes out of that, and a bunch of like,
    0:16:00 you know, kind of multi-billion dollar industry changing companies come out of it.
    0:16:04 On the topic of high agency and how it relates to all of this that we’re discussing right
    0:16:04 now.
    0:16:07 So one great question is, what would I do if I had 10X the agency?
    0:16:13 Another question I love, because you guys obviously talk about ideas and opportunities that are coming
    0:16:13 up.
    0:16:19 But to like zoom out, and then give people the agency to think about how to actually come
    0:16:20 up with the ideas and opportunities themselves.
    0:16:27 One of my favorite questions is, what is ignored or neglected by the media that will be studied
    0:16:28 by historians?
    0:16:30 What’s a historical example?
    0:16:36 So I did a post two years ago on this topic that went really viral.
    0:16:41 And even if you look at some of the things in there, so a good example will be like microplastics.
    0:16:43 It’s kind of, it’s slowly bubbling up now.
    0:16:44 It’s reaching the media.
    0:16:48 But if you discuss that two to three years ago, it was an absolute weirdo.
    0:16:52 Another example in there was around fentanyl that I put in the post.
    0:16:55 And at the time, it was seen as like absurd or crazy, or there wasn’t that many people discussing
    0:16:55 it.
    0:16:56 And now it’s way bigger.
    0:17:03 So I think there’s countless examples of this media historian gap that exists.
    0:17:06 There’s a great book called The Sovereign Individual.
    0:17:11 And they have a line in that that always stuck with me, which is they’re talking about the
    0:17:12 fall of the Roman Empire.
    0:17:16 And it’s quite easy to point to the date of when the Roman Empire fell.
    0:17:22 But if you actually went at the time and asked people, when did the Roman Empire fall or fell,
    0:17:23 there was no big announcement.
    0:17:26 There was no, hey, guys, the empire has fallen.
    0:17:30 It likely a lot of people didn’t admit it till like 100 years later.
    0:17:36 So they point to this case that if CNN existed during the fall of the Roman Empire, on the day
    0:17:37 it fell, they wouldn’t have announced it would have fallen.
    0:17:39 But it just takes people a while.
    0:17:45 I think that’s a big high agency trait is essentially just if you wait for the news, you’ll be wrong
    0:17:46 or late.
    0:17:49 Yeah, that’s a great point.
    0:17:50 That’s a great point.
    0:17:53 Do you have suspicions of what an idea like that would be today?
    0:17:54 Because it’s a very hard question.
    0:17:55 It’s an important question.
    0:17:56 It’s worth pondering.
    0:18:02 But it’s not one where, you know, 10 answers come to mind right away of what’s largely ignored
    0:18:07 or like over underreported today that will be, you know, historically important to historians
    0:18:08 in the future.
    0:18:14 One funny one that if I was a historian, this is really absurd, but I’ve spent a lot
    0:18:19 of time in the Middle East coming from the UK and spent four to five years in Dubai.
    0:18:29 And one thing that’s truly absurd about the West is in the Middle East, whenever you go to
    0:18:33 the bathroom, there’s like a ass spraying thing that you have.
    0:18:35 In the West, everybody.
    0:18:36 Yeah.
    0:18:39 It’s like, it’s more like a showerhead kind of thing.
    0:18:42 So you get a bidet, which is a separate mechanism, but it’s like a little showerhead.
    0:18:48 I could go to the most remote, crazy location in the desert and they will have one.
    0:18:50 What’s it called?
    0:18:51 There’s like a, what are they called?
    0:18:53 I actually, I call it like an ass spray.
    0:18:56 I don’t, I don’t know what it’s actually the official terminology for it.
    0:18:57 There’s no one to talk to about it when you’re there.
    0:19:01 But this is the problem, right, is that there’s, in the West, there’s almost not really a good
    0:19:02 naming mechanism for it.
    0:19:08 And the fact that Rory Sutherland has this great bit, which is, imagine if a bird shat on
    0:19:14 your head and I go, oh, Sam, Sean, here’s a dry piece of paper to wipe it off.
    0:19:15 You go, what the fuck, man?
    0:19:16 I need to wash my hair.
    0:19:19 But meanwhile, this is going on in the West, en masse.
    0:19:24 And I think as an entrepreneurial opportunity, changing the frame around that, I think it’s
    0:19:27 a billion dollar opportunity if you partnered with a plumbing company or something like that.
    0:19:29 Imagine, again, I think from the ad first as well.
    0:19:30 Have you seen Tushy?
    0:19:32 No.
    0:19:34 Tushy is like an attachable bidet.
    0:19:37 It’s like turns any dumb toilet into a smart toilet type of thing.
    0:19:39 I think they do extremely well.
    0:19:44 I think they’re like north of a hundred million in revenue in targeting the American market.
    0:19:45 But I’m with you, dude.
    0:19:47 That’s just the tip of the iceberg, all right?
    0:19:51 You’re right that it will seem crazy in hindsight.
    0:19:56 Another example of what’s ignored or neglected by the media that will be studied by historians
    0:20:04 is I think we’re going through a seismic shift now that’s similar to when writing first came
    0:20:05 online.
    0:20:10 So there’s a great sci-fi book by a guy called Ted Chang.
    0:20:11 And it’s one of his short stories.
    0:20:14 And he tells a scenario, which is possible now.
    0:20:20 This technology already exists where you have essentially always on recording technology.
    0:20:23 So some people, they record their whole life.
    0:20:26 So you can kind of see it now with Twitch streamers, right?
    0:20:31 And why this is fascinating is the impact this then has on memory.
    0:20:34 So it’s in the books of Spoiler Alert.
    0:20:38 It tells the story of a father, daughter, and mother.
    0:20:41 The mother leaves them without saying goodbye, essentially.
    0:20:46 And the father and daughter one day have this huge argument where the daughter says to the
    0:20:49 father, I wish you’d just leave like mom.
    0:20:50 I hate you.
    0:20:52 And it haunts the father to that very day.
    0:20:56 And after about five years, they slowly build their relationship.
    0:20:59 And the father doesn’t have access to all these recording devices, but his daughter does.
    0:21:02 And one day he needs access to go through her memory log.
    0:21:03 So he’s asked her for access.
    0:21:04 She shares it with him.
    0:21:07 And as he’s going through it, that file pops up.
    0:21:11 And he goes, oh shit, like this is one of the biggest emotional moments of my life.
    0:21:12 Like he presses play on it.
    0:21:17 And the recording shows that he completely misremembered the event.
    0:21:19 It was him that said it to her.
    0:21:23 And it’s this idea that essentially all our memories are completely bollocks.
    0:21:25 It’s completely made up.
    0:21:27 It’s pretty much all artificial.
    0:21:32 And how does that change when we essentially have recordings of everything?
    0:21:37 I think that will be a big thing that historians will begin to begin to look at of we completely
    0:21:41 then like the shift that we had when we started writing for the first time.
    0:21:44 That’s going to be a huge shift as a result as well.
    0:21:46 Have you seen the Black Mirror episode about this?
    0:21:49 They did a version of this on Black Mirror as well.
    0:21:51 Oh, really?
    0:21:56 Well, there’s an example of in the UK, there’s a building called Grenfell Tower.
    0:22:00 It was a horrific accident that occurred where the whole building sat on fire.
    0:22:03 It was in a council estate and loads of people died.
    0:22:13 And on the day, there was this weird case of a baby getting dropped from the top floor all the way down and somebody catching it.
    0:22:18 And it went crazy viral at the time and a load of eyewitness testimony came out saying that they saw it.
    0:22:25 And when it, the like classic physicists about six months later after the emotion had calmed down around the event was like,
    0:22:31 hold on, if you drop a baby from that high to there, like the physics of this, I’ve got a bit of doubt about it.
    0:22:35 And when they actually digged into the memories of it, a lot of it was just artificial memories that people had created.
    0:22:38 So I’m pretty fascinated by devices like that that come online.
    0:22:42 And I think part of society will go for it and the other part of society will not go for it.
    0:22:47 But it just completely changes who you are when you no longer have a story of your memories.
    0:22:48 You actually have the full log.
    0:22:51 Yeah, there’s a famous experiment.
    0:22:52 I don’t know if you guys ever seen this.
    0:22:54 There’s the 9-11 memory experiment.
    0:22:56 What’s that?
    0:23:03 So they basically, people feel like you really remember those important traumatic days.
    0:23:09 You know, there’s the even phrases in the language, like I’ll never forget where I was, or I’ll never forget how I felt when I saw that.
    0:23:22 And there’s actually a set of, I don’t have the studies in front of me, but there’s, I remember learning about this, that there was a set of studies where people, they went and they studied the memory accuracy of people remembering 9-11.
    0:23:24 And it was pretty shocking.
    0:23:27 It was like less than 50% of the details were accurate.
    0:23:31 It was a combination of, they had extreme confidence that their memories were accurate.
    0:23:33 Their memories actually were not accurate.
    0:23:38 And then they don’t, not only did they not remember what happened, they actually didn’t even remember how they felt.
    0:23:42 I think they had like logged at a, like early on, they logged how they had felt.
    0:23:44 And then they measured three years later.
    0:23:48 And then many years later, trying to remember how you felt and you didn’t even actually remember that properly.
    0:23:54 And that your memories basically converge towards like a shared narrative rather than what actually happened.
    0:24:06 And so there’s, and all these terms for flashbulb memories, there’s all these like terms for, that describe how poor human memory actually is, which is like kind of crazy when it comes to like the court system, for example.
    0:24:11 Like a lot of it’s based on, you know, eyewitness testimony or somebody remembering certain details.
    0:24:16 And what’s funny is, Sean, is as you were describing that, I was thinking, where was I at 9-11?
    0:24:16 What was I doing?
    0:24:21 And then I’m also saying the second most common thing, which is, but I remember.
    0:24:22 Yeah, I’m the exception.
    0:24:24 Ads don’t work on me.
    0:24:25 That’s what everyone’s going to say.
    0:24:27 They’re going to say, but I remember that.
    0:24:36 Oh, and by the way, I told the story, Sean, on here, I think how this one, this like prestigious journalist, I asked her to come in freelance for The Hustle.
    0:24:40 And she wrote a letter back to me, and she says like, that’s cute.
    0:24:40 Thanks.
    0:24:47 And like, it drove like eight years of like success for me because I was like, I’m going to prove this freaking jerk wrong.
    0:24:50 She was so dismissive of me.
    0:24:52 I went back and reread the email.
    0:24:53 She was super nice.
    0:24:57 Like, she didn’t say, that’s cute.
    0:24:58 She said like, I’m honored.
    0:25:01 Thank you so much for thinking of me.
    0:25:02 I’m too busy right now.
    0:25:05 But, you know, good luck with your new endeavor.
    0:25:07 Like, I went and reread it, and I’m like, that’s insane.
    0:25:11 I told myself the story, and I’ve said it publicly so many times.
    0:25:13 I even name dropped her once or twice.
    0:25:14 It was wrong.
    0:25:14 It was wrong.
    0:25:16 I didn’t remember it correctly, and I’m happy I didn’t.
    0:25:18 But yeah, our memory is crap.
    0:25:28 What about, George, about you had stuff in here about like looking for business ideas through a high agency lens, but also building software that’s high agency.
    0:25:29 What does that mean?
    0:25:35 Because what you’re describing to me is like a philosophical, like a mental framework.
    0:25:39 But it actually seems like when you think about this, it’s actually more tactical than that.
    0:25:42 Yeah, it’s incredibly tactical.
    0:25:54 There was a post, I think, two days ago that went really viral on Pirate Wires about how agency is the most important thing thanks to like AI.
    0:25:57 I think agency has always been one of the most important things.
    0:26:01 So I said it’s probably the most important idea of the 21st century, or it might be.
    0:26:05 And if a British person says probably or might be, it’s almost like an American betting the house on it.
    0:26:19 And in this Pirate Wires post, they spoke about how now thanks to AI and large language models, the exponential or like the leverage that you get on agency as a result is so much bigger.
    0:26:20 And you just then begin to look at it.
    0:26:29 So like a small case of like high agency for me is I started getting bored of being bullied by algorithms.
    0:26:33 I feel like everybody is just a bitch to the algorithms these days.
    0:26:38 And I try and like find small ways to have agency over the algorithm.
    0:26:42 So like even I was like, okay, I reflected on my YouTube history.
    0:26:44 I literally, I recommend everybody do it.
    0:26:45 It’s one of the weirdest exercises.
    0:26:48 Talk about memory is you go on YouTube and then you press history.
    0:26:51 And I just scrolled through the videos.
    0:26:55 And I was like, okay, which ones of these do I, am I glad that I watched in hindsight?
    0:26:57 Which ones am I kind of neutral about?
    0:26:59 And then which ones would I say I regretted?
    0:27:03 And I said, I think it was about 80% of them.
    0:27:04 I regretted 10%.
    0:27:06 I was neutral and 10% I enjoyed watching.
    0:27:11 And then I looked at it and said, okay, what do the ones that I like have in common?
    0:27:13 And then what do the ones that I don’t like also have in common?
    0:27:18 And the single biggest thing of where I thought I wasted my time was content under 30 minutes long.
    0:27:26 Cause it was just brain rock content, particularly under like five minutes long, like a coffeezilla reaction of Logan Paul’s done this crazy crypto pump and dump.
    0:27:31 And I just click on it and then I’m in this like vortex and going back to the memory thing, I’ve completely forgotten this.
    0:27:37 So I was like, okay, how about I just work with chat GPT to solve this problem, build a script.
    0:27:38 And now I call it the Kale algorithm.
    0:27:41 My YouTube does not show me any videos under 30 minutes.
    0:27:48 So this ability to be able to manipulate your environment, particularly I think with AI now has only got bigger and bigger.
    0:27:50 So there’s agency everywhere.
    0:27:54 Everything is a, I don’t know if you heard that phrase of everything’s a skill issue.
    0:27:56 It’s kind of like that for agency, like everything is just a agency problem.
    0:27:58 Where else are you doing that in your life?
    0:28:13 So even small things, just constantly each day do, I recommend going back to the turning bullshit into reality, just going through that list and then operating from a creative model each day of how can I have agency and then applying it rather than going off the to-do list model.
    0:28:21 So, I mean, anything from writing down, I want to learn, I have always wanted to play Baker Street on the saxophone.
    0:28:23 I sat on the beach, I did turning bullshit into reality.
    0:28:26 I wanted to learn Baker Street on the saxophone.
    0:28:27 My girlfriend says, why don’t you do it?
    0:28:29 There’s nothing more embarrassing than a girl saying, why don’t you do it?
    0:28:33 So I just then ordered a saxophone, taught myself Baker Street on the saxophone.
    0:28:39 So just coming at it from a very simple model of write down the value, then ways you can display it, then do the thing.
    0:28:42 There’s an amazing article that went viral the other day.
    0:28:47 You know, it’s a good article when it’s from like 2010 on like a really weird niche blog.
    0:28:52 So there’s a guy called Aaron Schwartz, who you probably heard of.
    0:28:55 He was the Reddit co-founder who tragically took his own life.
    0:29:02 And he has this amazing blog, which goes to your point there, Sam, of like, how do you actually turn this tactically?
    0:29:07 And it talks about having a theory of action versus a theory of change.
    0:29:14 So he uses the example of you want the United States to decrease their military spending.
    0:29:21 So a theory of action would be, I’m a blogger, therefore I’m going to write blog posts about this thing.
    0:29:28 Whereas a theory of change is essentially where you go, okay, I want to decrease the United Spence military.
    0:29:30 What is, how can I do that?
    0:29:37 Or like, why, why, why, how, how, how, all the way down until you get to a concrete action that you can do today.
    0:29:40 The piece is absolutely incredible.
    0:29:47 And I think you mentioned to Sean on the podcast the other day around how hard it can be to actually think from first principles.
    0:29:52 But using Aaron’s framework, the blog post I really recommend checking out, is absolutely incredible.
    0:30:02 Yeah, you, you said on here, and when we asked what you want to talk about, you said something about how you think that language kind of controls people a lot.
    0:30:05 I think you said language shapes the world around us.
    0:30:06 And I was thinking about that.
    0:30:15 And I actually, I’ve made a change recently where I was thinking like, I have a problem where I will compare myself to other people a lot.
    0:30:19 And I would say like, I should be doing this, or I should be at this place.
    0:30:25 And I remember I read something and I started changing the words to, I choose to do this.
    0:30:28 I think, I think Sean, did you actually say this?
    0:30:32 Or I think we had some, I think we had someone on the podcast where it was like, it changed my thinking.
    0:30:36 Whereas like, I’m going to say, instead of I should, I’m going to change that word to choose.
    0:30:39 It’s like, what am I going to choose to do?
    0:30:42 Not, I should be doing X, Y, and Z.
    0:30:45 I was at a Tony Robbins event and he said it beautifully.
    0:30:48 He goes, somebody was, had raised their hand.
    0:30:49 They said something, I should do this.
    0:30:52 You know, I know I should do this, but blah, blah, blah.
    0:30:53 But I just think that they should do this.
    0:30:54 And they were saying it.
    0:30:57 And he goes, he goes, you’re doing what a lot of people do.
    0:30:59 You’re shitting all over yourself.
    0:31:01 I just couldn’t unhear it.
    0:31:04 He’s like, people just shud all over themselves.
    0:31:10 And I just, from that moment on, it literally viscerally felt gross to say the word should.
    0:31:12 I’m shitting all over myself right now.
    0:31:14 And I just couldn’t do it anymore.
    0:31:18 Language is a great example of low agency.
    0:31:25 So the amount of times that we’ll wait for a word to find us, rather than trying to create words ourselves.
    0:31:30 So that’s why I felt high agency was quite a meta thing, where when I discovered that word,
    0:31:33 it actually changed the way I viewed reality.
    0:31:36 So one way of viewing reality is reality happens, then you have words to describe it.
    0:31:41 Another way to view it is you use words, and then that kind of edits reality.
    0:31:44 So it’s a kind of a double-edged sword.
    0:31:47 Good examples of that would be fake news.
    0:31:53 So fake news, there was words beforehand that never really caught off.
    0:31:54 There was like yellow journalism.
    0:31:56 There was truthy news.
    0:32:00 But then when fake news came along, you have a clearer way of viewing reality.
    0:32:03 A great example right now is the term vibe coding.
    0:32:11 The only thing that’s probably done more than LLMs for vibe coding is the actual meme itself of vibe coding.
    0:32:13 So high agency is another example.
    0:32:14 What is vibe coding, by the way?
    0:32:18 I still don’t know what the difference between vibe coding and coding is.
    0:32:23 Just basically a non-technical person prompting an LLM and getting them to code it for them.
    0:32:25 That’s vibe coding.
    0:32:26 All right, got it.
    0:32:26 And you’re saying what?
    0:32:35 When you actually have that language itself, or you have those memes, it actually increases the output of things.
    0:32:40 And then you begin to see language can have such an impact everywhere.
    0:32:44 I’m actually fascinated by, on the topic of the show, the millionaire meme.
    0:32:48 So the concept of a millionaire is so impactful to society.
    0:32:52 And it hasn’t been updated, even as inflation’s at a way of being a millionaire.
    0:32:59 So, like, I once watched a YouTube ad where they were talking in, like, a currency that’s, like, 1 to 10.
    0:33:01 And he was talking about making his first million.
    0:33:04 But it still exists, even as, like, the inflation’s kicked in.
    0:33:06 And I’m fascinated to see what replaces that.
    0:33:14 There’s this great book from back in the day that I’ve never read because it’s one of those books where the cover tells you the whole story.
    0:33:17 You can literally read the cover, you can have the epiphany, and you can move on.
    0:33:19 And it’s called Your Word is Your Wand.
    0:33:21 It’s by, I think, Florence Scoville.
    0:33:26 And it’s, like, actually kind of a hard book to read because it’s one of these books that’s written, like, 80 years ago or something.
    0:33:29 And it’s just, like, too poetic to, like, actually grok nowadays.
    0:33:33 But the whole idea is, like, your word is your wand, is your magic wand.
    0:33:35 And it shapes your reality exactly as you’re describing.
    0:33:40 And this applies to, like, yes, it applies to high agency, but I’ll give you another example.
    0:33:43 So I tore my knee ligament a couple months ago.
    0:33:46 So I’ve been recovering from it, and I’ve been doing rehab.
    0:33:54 And my trainer, who’s, like, he’s, like, the black belt in mindset that I get to work out with every day.
    0:33:57 And so he never uses the word rehab.
    0:34:01 And he always uses the different words where he’d be, like, he’s, like, all right, let’s get ready.
    0:34:03 He’ll be, like, this is not rehab.
    0:34:04 We’re going to renew.
    0:34:05 We’re going to refresh.
    0:34:06 We’re going to recharge.
    0:34:07 We’re going to, he’s, like, we’re going to do something.
    0:34:10 We’re going to make that knee better than it was before.
    0:34:13 And rehab already, like, implies some version of it’s broken.
    0:34:15 We’re going to try to fix it.
    0:34:18 Versus he’s, like, all right, we’re going to rejuvenate this thing.
    0:34:21 We’re going to make your knee 10 years younger than it currently is.
    0:34:22 How are we going to do that?
    0:34:26 It’s literally when you change the word, you change the method, right?
    0:34:29 Like, the what you say changes the how you do it.
    0:34:34 And you just see this over and over and over again in small ways in business.
    0:34:40 And, like, another version of this that I’ve seen that I’ve done recently is, like, intentionally breaking your speed bar.
    0:34:45 So we all have a certain clock speed, a certain speed with which we operate things.
    0:34:52 And a good exercise is to just break the speed barrier of what you think is possible for any given task.
    0:34:54 So it could be very small.
    0:34:57 It could be you’re doing the dishes and you have the silverware.
    0:34:59 And you normally put it away at a certain rate.
    0:35:01 But try to break your speed bar.
    0:35:03 Like, see how fast you could do that thing.
    0:35:09 Or this piano that I got here, I had this idea of, like, I want to have – I’ve been practicing the piano for three months.
    0:35:12 I’m ready to upgrade from my keyboard to, like, a legit piano.
    0:35:13 It’s more fun to play.
    0:35:14 It feels better, et cetera.
    0:35:16 And my birthday is coming up.
    0:35:18 So the normal speed bar would be you kind of wait for your birthday.
    0:35:19 So you wait.
    0:35:21 Not a very high agency thing to do.
    0:35:23 And then you get it.
    0:35:23 And then you maybe get it.
    0:35:27 But then you get it on back order because these are – you know, they don’t have them in stock.
    0:35:28 And then it’s going to take a few weeks to come.
    0:35:30 And then it gets – then you set a delivery date.
    0:35:30 And then they show up.
    0:35:33 And I basically set myself a challenge.
    0:35:37 From the moment I had the idea, I said, this inspiration is perishable, right?
    0:35:38 Ideas are avocados.
    0:35:40 I’m not going to let this go brown.
    0:35:41 I’m going to do this thing right now.
    0:35:44 And so I said, I want to see how fast I can do this.
    0:35:46 I think the normal person, this would be, like, a two- or three-week project.
    0:35:48 I’m going to see if I can do this in 24 hours.
    0:35:56 And sure enough, I, like, just mobilize my own army of, like, my resources, my focus, my intention towards making that one thing happen.
    0:35:58 And it was crazy.
    0:35:59 Like, the store was closed.
    0:36:00 But I found the owner.
    0:36:01 I called him.
    0:36:02 And I said, would you come and open the store?
    0:36:04 I’m ready to buy a piano right now.
    0:36:07 The guy comes and he opens the store for me.
    0:36:16 And then I – you know, instead of just playing the piano and trying to figure out which of these pianos is better, I said, I need to know first which pianos you have in stock in the warehouse that could get delivered tomorrow.
    0:36:20 And, in fact, while I’m looking, I want you to call the delivery guys and schedule a delivery for tomorrow.
    0:36:21 I’m going to pick.
    0:36:24 But you schedule it right now because it’s Friday and I want this delivered Saturday morning.
    0:36:26 And I made the whole thing happen.
    0:36:30 And by 11 a.m. Saturday morning, I had the piano in the room and I was playing it.
    0:36:39 And I just feel like there’s so many instances where if you break your speed bar in one area, you realize that, like, in all areas, speed is negotiable.
    0:36:44 That you can change the rate at which something’s going to happen in your business or in your personal life.
    0:36:49 He just said his attention, his focus, and his energy is his army.
    0:36:50 How good is that?
    0:36:51 That’s good.
    0:36:52 Is that what you just said?
    0:36:53 Yeah.
    0:36:54 Go ahead, George.
    0:36:56 You got a military, an air force.
    0:36:58 You need a little one for each one.
    0:36:58 That’s beautiful.
    0:37:00 Yeah, let’s go.
    0:37:01 March, right?
    0:37:04 Scott Galloway had a great version of this.
    0:37:05 He goes – how did he say it?
    0:37:11 He’s like, I deployed an army of capital in my 40s for my family to go kill and grow while I was asleep.
    0:37:13 Dude, that’s so good.
    0:37:13 That’s so good.
    0:37:20 George, who are examples that are not the Elon Musk’s of the world who you think represent high agency?
    0:37:22 Can you give us a friend?
    0:37:30 Because I think that the best way to get high agency is to just hang out with a high agency person because you’ll realize how unacceptable your low agency thoughts are around them.
    0:37:31 You’ll feel embarrassed by it.
    0:37:35 And so being around high agency people is the fastest way to become more high agency yourself.
    0:37:42 Well, the question I always come back to is, who would you call when you’re stuck in a third world jail cell?
    0:37:45 That’s how you identify the highest agency person that you know.
    0:37:47 There’s two that come to mind.
    0:37:55 There’s one called Shannon, who is probably one of the most underrated individuals that exist.
    0:38:09 He literally created information theory, which is he took the idea from philosophy, where you have ones and zeros in logic, and applied that to computing, and created information theory, which literally creates everything that we’re doing right now.
    0:38:15 Basically, the father, him and Alan Shearing, the father of modern computing, and he has this crazy thing.
    0:38:21 So one of the things in the essay, one of my favorite high agency aphorisms is, just does it defy the laws of physics?
    0:38:23 It’s like a brain prompt whenever you’re faced with a problem.
    0:38:25 Does it defy the laws of physics?
    0:38:30 And Claude Shannon and a guy called Ed Thorpe wanted to hack roulette.
    0:38:32 So roulette is the example of the ultimate game of luck.
    0:38:45 And Claude Shannon and Ed Thorpe, before the first ever mobile computer, they created the first ever mobile computer that they had in their shoe that would look at the, as the ball hit based off the probability.
    0:38:48 And they hacked roulette by managed to outcompete the house by about 33%.
    0:38:50 So I’d say Claude Shannon’s awesome.
    0:38:53 Sean, you should read Ed Thorpe’s biography.
    0:38:54 One of the best biographies I’ve ever read.
    0:38:55 Adding it to the list.
    0:38:57 A man for market.
    0:38:59 So this guy, Ed Thorpe, he basically was a math guy.
    0:39:01 He was a math prodigy.
    0:39:05 He got sick of just making the wage that math teachers got.
    0:39:07 And so he said, I’m going to invent a way to count cards.
    0:39:08 He did.
    0:39:09 So he invented card counting.
    0:39:11 He made a lot of money.
    0:39:15 And then he was like, you know, I don’t really like being in casinos all the time.
    0:39:16 Like, it’s not good for my family.
    0:39:21 And the mafia, or not the mafia, the casinos started getting on his case.
    0:39:26 And he was like, I don’t want them to like break my hand in the back room because I’m counting cards.
    0:39:35 And so he eventually got into finance and he started the, one of the first ever hedge funds and, you know, became a billionaire that way.
    0:39:38 And he tells stories and he’s, it’s sort of like a Forrest Gump story.
    0:39:39 Like he tells a story about how he met this.
    0:39:44 He’s like, I met this young man who had these really good ideas and I knew this guy was going to be super rich.
    0:39:49 And so I decided to become one of his first investors and he went and started this thing called Berkshire Hathaway.
    0:39:58 Like, you know, and there’s like 10 or 20 stories like that where he was like, you know, I was just like poking around and I met this guy and I thought he was really smart.
    0:39:59 We stayed in touch.
    0:40:02 And then he went and founded Apple, you know, like he’s got like a ton of stories like that.
    0:40:04 But who’s the second person on your list?
    0:40:16 The second person on my list is, is, is a book by called Don’t Tell Me I Can’t by Cole Summers.
    0:40:20 It’s the most underrated business book in the world, in my opinion.
    0:40:25 It’s an hour long and it’s written by a 13 year old who tells the story.
    0:40:27 Is this the unschooling guy?
    0:40:29 The unschooling guy.
    0:40:29 Yeah.
    0:40:40 So when he is, uh, I think four or five, him and his parents see these kids outside causing havoc and saying some nasty things.
    0:40:44 And he’s from a very poor background and they decide, you know what?
    0:40:45 We’re not going to go to school.
    0:40:46 We’re going to homeschool you.
    0:40:55 And unfortunately his father, who served in the military, who’s supposed to be his teacher, ends up having to have multiple surgeries.
    0:41:03 And one day he goes to his dad, who you can just imagine he’s sat there post-surgery, kind of a little bit out of it.
    0:41:06 And he says, Cole says to his dad, dad, how do I get rich?
    0:41:11 And his dad says, I don’t know, son, like maybe go watch Warren Buffett videos on YouTube.
    0:41:17 So this six-year-old starts watching Warren Buffett videos on YouTube and you listen to the audio book and you like taking notes.
    0:41:20 Oh my God, this kid’s so smart, like the lessons he’s taken from Charlie Munger.
    0:41:27 And then at seven, I believe he starts his first business that gets to $1,000 profit per month.
    0:41:30 He acquires a vehicle using his parents’ license when he’s like nine or ten.
    0:41:31 What was the business?
    0:41:32 What was the seven-year-old’s business?
    0:41:33 Rabbit farming.
    0:41:37 So he would breed rabbits and sell them.
    0:41:38 And sell them to restaurants.
    0:41:41 So he took that to $1,000 per month.
    0:41:46 He then flipped a house and made, I think, like $10,000 profit when he was 10 years old.
    0:41:48 And it was like an abandoned house, right?
    0:41:50 It was like somebody’s house that was just dilapidated.
    0:41:51 They weren’t doing anything with it.
    0:41:58 And he just says, hey, if I just like, if I do all the work, then can I, you know, share in the profit of flipping this, basically.
    0:42:00 He didn’t even like buy a home to flip it.
    0:42:03 He just found an unused home and was like, there’s potential here.
    0:42:06 He’s incredible.
    0:42:13 He tells this story when he’s meeting other seven-year-olds for the first time or he’s at like scouts with his friends.
    0:42:16 And they’re talking about what they learned that day.
    0:42:19 And they’re going, yeah, I was looking at Pluto.
    0:42:20 Is it a planet?
    0:42:21 Is what they were teaching us at school?
    0:42:23 I don’t know whenever, like, I care about this.
    0:42:30 And he goes, oh, I was looking into how Amazon manages to pay 0% tax just using the internet.
    0:42:35 So I think his book, again, just to be clear, not every seven-year-old should have a P&L.
    0:42:38 Maybe 80% of them should, but not every seven-year-old should have a P&L.
    0:42:44 But he completely reframed my reality of what a child can do.
    0:42:46 What?
    0:42:50 And by the way, this is one of those stories where he’s still like 15 or 16.
    0:42:52 This isn’t like in the 80s.
    0:42:53 He’s a kid.
    0:42:57 Yeah, he unfortunately passed away, which is really, really sad.
    0:42:57 Wow.
    0:42:59 Like a surfing accident or something, right?
    0:43:03 Yeah, I think it, I don’t know the ins and outs of it.
    0:43:07 Tragic, obviously, but absolutely incredible.
    0:43:07 Oh, no.
    0:43:09 That he managed to live the life that he lived.
    0:43:16 New York City founders, if you’ve listened to My First Million before, you know I’ve got this company called Hampton.
    0:43:19 And Hampton is a community for founders and CEOs.
    0:43:25 A lot of the stories and ideas that I get for this podcast, I actually got it from people who I met in Hampton.
    0:43:28 We have this big community of 1,000 plus people, and it’s amazing.
    0:43:35 But the main part is this eight-person core group that becomes your board of advisors for your life and for your business, and it’s life-changing.
    0:43:41 Now, to the folks in New York City, I’m building an in-real-life core group in New York City.
    0:43:53 And so if you meet one of the following criteria, your business either does $3 million in revenue, or you’ve raised $3 million in funding, or you’ve started and sold a company for at least $10 million, then you are eligible to apply.
    0:43:56 So go to joinhampton.com and apply.
    0:43:58 I’m going to be reviewing all of the applications myself.
    0:44:02 So put that you heard about this on MFM so I know to give you a little extra love.
    0:44:04 Now, back to the show.
    0:44:08 You have this thing in your post.
    0:44:10 You said, how to spot high-agency people.
    0:44:13 And number one, you wrote, was weird teenage hobbies.
    0:44:16 Teenage years are the hardest time to go against social pressures.
    0:44:17 True.
    0:44:21 If they can go against the crowd as a teenager, they can go against the crowd as an adult.
    0:44:24 And would that be yours?
    0:44:26 Your weird teenage hobby was an obsession with juggling?
    0:44:28 Yes.
    0:44:31 I kind of wish my dad bet me I couldn’t code.
    0:44:33 I would be probably on a yacht right now.
    0:44:46 However, I think even with hiring, my best hires that I’ve placed pretty much all line up in that criteria that they have weird, interesting hobbies.
    0:44:57 I was listening to an interview with Palmer Luckey chatting about this, and it kind of hints to some kind of intrinsic motivation, as well as the ability to go against wider mimetic forces.
    0:45:00 That kind of is a good indicator.
    0:45:01 So it’s a very good interview question.
    0:45:04 Like, tell me about the weird shit you did growing up.
    0:45:07 Yeah, I have a variation of that.
    0:45:11 We used to ask, what’s something you were degenerately obsessed with?
    0:45:15 So, like, basically, you were obsessed with it to the point where it actually negatively affected the quality of your life.
    0:45:18 Like, you were too obsessed with something, but you did it anyways.
    0:45:23 And it’s usually a video game or a hobby like this or a collecting, you know, type of thing.
    0:45:27 And then there’s a – I forgot who it was.
    0:45:35 Some famous investor, they had this other question they asked with it, which was, what’s something you could give a one-hour talk on right now unprepared?
    0:45:36 Like, you just know it so well.
    0:45:45 You spent so much time on it that if I gave you, you know, 45 minutes to an hour, you could actually, like, give me a crash course in this thing because you have mastery over it.
    0:45:49 And in doing so, you also see how somebody communicates when they know something.
    0:45:51 So, it does sort of two things.
    0:45:53 It gives you a relative bar.
    0:46:00 So, if that’s the thing you know best and then you compare it to the things they’ve been telling you about, you realize, oh, that resume was a little shaky.
    0:46:05 They don’t really know how that operated in their company compared to how they know this.
    0:46:08 And secondly, it tells you how their communication skills are, right?
    0:46:13 Can they actually break something down simply for somebody and then build up from there intuitively?
    0:46:14 Like, are they a good storyteller?
    0:46:16 Are they a good communicator or not?
    0:46:24 And that doesn’t – you don’t need that for every job, but for a number of things, like, you know, for being a CEO or being a marketer, like, you want to be able to do that well.
    0:46:27 Yeah, so phenomenal.
    0:46:31 Before we kind of wrap up, you had one thing here that really caught my eye.
    0:46:36 Did you – first of all, you called your – we were like, what ideas do you want to talk about?
    0:46:38 You said, I’m the Laird Hamilton of surfing the internet.
    0:46:40 I thought that was actually hilarious.
    0:46:47 And you said – you just put one line in here and you said, the number one under-discussed antidepressant, which I’m curious about.
    0:46:49 And then you also said, the next ADHD.
    0:46:51 What are you referring to for those two things?
    0:46:57 Yeah, so two, kind of what is ignored by the media that will be studied by historians.
    0:47:00 So there was a study that came out in terms of depression.
    0:47:02 Could – I don’t know if you’ve seen it.
    0:47:03 Metronautics is depression.
    0:47:09 Guess what ranked the highest in terms of alleviating the symptoms of depression?
    0:47:11 Walking.
    0:47:14 Yeah, working out, physical exercise.
    0:47:20 So as part of that, that was the big breakthrough that came out, which was that exercise ranked more,
    0:47:23 according to this analysis, than SSRIs.
    0:47:28 The number one, however, significantly more than exercise and cognitive behavioral therapy,
    0:47:32 higher than yoga, higher than tai chi, was dancing.
    0:47:35 Dance therapy outperformed exercise significantly.
    0:47:41 Dance, according to this meta-analysis, had the greatest impact in alleviating depression.
    0:47:46 So I think there’s potentially a headspace or a calm to be made that is dance therapy.
    0:47:49 Dude, that’s amazing.
    0:47:51 Who knew?
    0:47:52 Sam, when’s the last –
    0:47:52 I’d rather be depressed.
    0:47:58 When’s the last time you danced, Sam?
    0:47:59 Never.
    0:48:01 My wife –
    0:48:01 No, no.
    0:48:03 When’s the last time –
    0:48:09 Dude, I have literally not once in my life have I been in a public place.
    0:48:12 In the Midwest, you don’t cry and you don’t dance.
    0:48:13 That’s what men don’t do.
    0:48:15 And you don’t drink liquids out of a straw.
    0:48:16 Hold on, hold on, hold on.
    0:48:18 Those are the three rules of being men in the Midwest.
    0:48:21 Don’t cry, don’t dance, and don’t drink liquid out of straws.
    0:48:22 Okay, let’s work backwards.
    0:48:23 You’re in your 30s now.
    0:48:24 You’re at a friend’s wedding.
    0:48:28 You’re just sitting down, holding down the fort at the table, making sure the purses don’t get stolen?
    0:48:29 What are you doing?
    0:48:30 Yes.
    0:48:31 Yes.
    0:48:31 I am not dancing.
    0:48:32 Okay.
    0:48:32 Wait.
    0:48:34 George, would you dance at a wedding?
    0:48:36 I mean, you’re kind of suave.
    0:48:37 You probably would.
    0:48:38 Of course.
    0:48:39 So there’s a barbell.
    0:48:41 So my girlfriend is an incredible dancer.
    0:48:43 She’s been a dancer since she was like five.
    0:48:44 That’s what she does for a living.
    0:48:46 And I realize there’s a barbell when it comes to dance.
    0:48:51 You either want to be the best dancer on the dance floor or the worst dancer on the dance floor,
    0:48:54 like just letting loose and not caring full-on David Brent style.
    0:48:57 It’s the person in the middle who’s either doesn’t want to get on the dance floor
    0:48:59 or is kind of half moving that is the cringest.
    0:49:01 So yeah, I’m a big dancer.
    0:49:03 I’m terrible, but I’m a dancer.
    0:49:06 All right, Sam, prom?
    0:49:07 Did you dance at prom?
    0:49:08 No.
    0:49:09 What’d you do?
    0:49:11 Sat.
    0:49:12 I just sat.
    0:49:14 I’m telling you, I don’t do it.
    0:49:14 What a date.
    0:49:16 Wow.
    0:49:17 It’s horrible.
    0:49:20 That’s like, you know how people say like public speaking is the biggest fear?
    0:49:21 Mine’s dancing.
    0:49:21 Public dancing.
    0:49:22 Yeah.
    0:49:24 Public dancing is definitely a bigger fear than public speaking for me.
    0:49:25 Yeah.
    0:49:26 Public dancing is pretty tough.
    0:49:27 And plus, I don’t drink.
    0:49:30 So like if I were drunk, then I could probably get away with it.
    0:49:36 But like sober dancing as a grown man is probably like the scariest thing one can do.
    0:49:37 I’d rather go to war.
    0:49:38 Anti-depressant, Sam.
    0:49:40 Wow.
    0:49:42 Send me to Ukraine right now.
    0:49:42 Yeah.
    0:49:45 I’d rather get deployed in Baghdad than have to dance at a wedding.
    0:49:47 Put that on a bumper sticker.
    0:49:48 Think about this.
    0:49:50 We could do this together, man.
    0:49:51 We could overcome this.
    0:49:53 Wait, so you’re fearful of this too?
    0:49:55 Yeah, but not like you.
    0:49:57 Like if I’m at a thing, I do it.
    0:49:57 But I hate it.
    0:49:58 But I do it.
    0:49:59 But I kind of like it.
    0:50:00 But I also kind of feel insecure about it.
    0:50:01 But then I do it anyways.
    0:50:05 I’ve never just taken the stance of like, nope.
    0:50:06 I’m out.
    0:50:10 So no, I don’t think I’m going to be dancing.
    0:50:11 What was the second thing?
    0:50:12 The next ADHD.
    0:50:17 We’ve tried to change the subject.
    0:50:18 I can’t even think about dancing.
    0:50:24 The next ADHD is, I think.
    0:50:33 So one great idea I heard for spotting trends, this came from Chris Williamson, is when a new trend is coming, bet on a counter trend occurring.
    0:50:43 So one trend that you’re seeing right now is a rise in nationalism, like people, America for America, Canada for Canada, China for China.
    0:50:50 And one funny idea I have is, so Duolingo is obviously huge where people go and understand languages.
    0:50:53 However, AI is almost making that irrelevant.
    0:50:57 I think learning a language is probably, the skill of it is going to go down and down with time.
    0:51:09 A funny business idea that I think could work is, so when I’d speak to Chris, he would talk to me about his therapy sessions and all these revelations he’s getting from therapy.
    0:51:13 And I said to him, I go, I think 50% of this isn’t anything to do with your childhood.
    0:51:15 It’s just being British.
    0:51:18 You’re just overcoming what it means to be British.
    0:51:26 And I think there’s something to be said around essentially creating a Duolingo that cures you of your nationality.
    0:51:33 Because I think you’re going to have a barbell where you have everybody’s like America for America, or it’s like I’m a global citizen Balaji network state style.
    0:51:35 And you could then just localize everything.
    0:51:38 So, oh, imagine an advert campaign, I think, from the ad first.
    0:51:39 Oh, you’re British.
    0:51:41 I bet you can’t take compliments.
    0:51:43 I bet you have a lot of self-doubt.
    0:51:46 And it’s like, yes, yes, yes, help fix being British.
    0:51:52 Or if you’re American, you don’t know anything in Europe, you just call Africa one big blob.
    0:51:54 Like, let’s remove that syndrome for you.
    0:51:57 Because you actually realize everybody is very self-conscious of their own country.
    0:52:03 So that’s one of my ideas that I think will be the new kind of pathology that people have around themselves.
    0:52:05 The American one sounded awesome to me.
    0:52:08 That’s America for you.
    0:52:10 That might be the market where it doesn’t work.
    0:52:15 Okay, so this works internationally.
    0:52:21 You don’t want to cure Americans of the self-delusion that we have, that everything is great and we’re great and it’s all going to work out great.
    0:52:25 That pro-noia that we have is very, very helpful to us.
    0:52:27 If you rob us of that, we get worse.
    0:52:32 One of my big regrets against being British is I’ve been early to a lot of things, but then maybe didn’t have the conviction.
    0:52:34 Maybe it goes back to what you mentioned earlier, Sam.
    0:52:42 And I came up with this idea ages ago where I would like visualize myself on my deathbed and I’d be there.
    0:52:43 There’s nobody there.
    0:52:44 I’m at the worst version of myself.
    0:52:47 Then I get a knock on the door and it’s the best version of myself.
    0:52:51 And it’s that kind of this meditation, like the deathbed regret meditation.
    0:52:53 And then at the end, it’s like, what action are you going to take today?
    0:52:55 And I thought this was the weirdest fucking shit I’ve ever created.
    0:52:57 And now it’s big on TikTok.
    0:53:02 It’s like my friend was showing me it’s a viral trend of these girls doing this exercise that I originally came up with.
    0:53:06 And I think there’s something in like hardship as a service.
    0:53:16 So bet on a trend going the other way, which is life is so good compared to modern, compared to historical standards that people want more hardship in their life.
    0:53:20 So I’d potentially create an app, which would be a negative visualization.
    0:53:28 So every day you plug it in and you are in World War II, about to go over the trenches.
    0:53:31 Your brother has died.
    0:53:33 Your mother’s written letters, but you don’t want to read them.
    0:53:38 You don’t have no way of contacting your wife and you’re about to go over into the trenches.
    0:53:42 And then you wake up and all of a sudden my life now is incredible.
    0:53:48 So I think negative visualization is a tool from stoicism that I think there’s probably a billion dollar idea in.
    0:53:50 A product, a product you could build out of that.
    0:53:51 Yeah.
    0:53:52 Dude, have you guys seen this thing?
    0:53:54 I’ll have to send it to you.
    0:53:56 It’s on Instagram and it’s a page.
    0:53:59 And the guy uses AI and the headline will be,
    0:54:07 you woke up as a slave who’s going to be in, who’s being forced to be a gladiator in Rome.
    0:54:12 Or you’ve woken up as a laborer in Egypt building the pyramids.
    0:54:16 Or you’ve woken up in a slum in Mabai in 1992.
    0:54:19 And it like sets up all these like crazy scenes.
    0:54:20 And then some of them are great.
    0:54:23 Like you woke up as an emperor in Rome.
    0:54:29 And it shows this, it shows from a POV, your point of view of that person waking up in the morning and walking around.
    0:54:29 Have you guys seen this?
    0:54:34 Or it could be even like you woke up as a kid in the Midwest in 1982.
    0:54:35 Have you seen that, George?
    0:54:35 Yes.
    0:54:38 So this is the thinking from the ad first model.
    0:54:39 You can already picture the ads there.
    0:54:41 It then runs to a monthly subscription.
    0:54:43 And you do that as your morning meditation.
    0:54:45 And it replaces just observing your thoughts.
    0:54:48 It’s more a negative contrasting tool to make people feel better about themselves.
    0:54:49 George, thanks for coming on.
    0:54:50 Where should people follow?
    0:54:50 Twitter?
    0:54:51 Twitter’s the best spot?
    0:54:54 Yeah, Twitter’s the best spot.
    0:54:56 George Mac on Twitter.
    0:55:01 Highagency.com if you want to read the full piece.
    0:55:04 Anything ads, adprofessor.com as well.
    0:55:06 And yeah, that’s everything.
    0:55:07 You’re awesome, dude.
    0:55:09 Every conversation we have with you is amazing.
    0:55:10 You’re a great thinker.
    0:55:19 And you really have a gift for making ideas that are, let’s say, outside of the kind of the zone of conventional thinking.
    0:55:22 And then making them sticky and memorable and kind of worth considering.
    0:55:24 So I think it’s very rare.
    0:55:25 There’s not a lot of people who could do that.
    0:55:26 And you’re one of them.
    0:55:28 Thank you.
    0:55:28 Thank you, George.
    0:55:29 Likewise.
    0:55:29 You’re the man.
    0:55:31 Are you going to become an American anytime soon, by the way?
    0:55:35 So I just landed yesterday.
    0:55:37 I just had my visa approved.
    0:55:39 I’ve moved from Dubai to the U.S.
    0:55:42 Purely because I find when I’m in the U.S.
    0:55:42 It’s the luck raiser.
    0:55:45 You’re way more likely to be lucky, serendipitous.
    0:55:48 I don’t think the quality of life here is as better as actually is in the rest of the world now.
    0:55:51 But luck so much more significantly.
    0:55:53 So, yes, I’m a proud Ted Lasso.
    0:55:55 Welcome to the tribe, brother.
    0:55:57 You’re in.
    0:55:58 Welcome to Texas.
    0:56:00 I’ll get you some cowboy boots and a hat.
    0:56:02 And thanks for being here.
    0:56:03 Thanks for coming to the pod.
    0:56:03 God bless you.
    0:56:04 God bless America.
    0:56:05 Talk soon.
    0:56:13 I feel like I can rule the world.
    0:56:19 I know I could be what I want to put my all in it like no days off on the road.
    0:56:19 Let’s travel.
    0:56:20 Never looking back.

    Episode 703: Sam Parr ( https://x.com/theSamParr ) and Shaan Puri ( https://x.com/ShaanVP ) talk to George Mack ( https://x.com/george__mack ) about high agency. 

    Links:

    • Steal Sam’s guide to turn ChatGPT into your Executive Coach: https://clickhubspot.com/wec

    • High Agency – https://www.highagency.com/ 

    • Nick Mowbray episode – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pHcxoZ0j9A 

    Check Out Shaan’s Stuff:

    Need to hire? You should use the same service Shaan uses to hire developers, designers, & Virtual Assistants → it’s called Shepherd (tell ‘em Shaan sent you): https://bit.ly/SupportShepherd

    Check Out Sam’s Stuff:

    • Hampton – https://www.joinhampton.com/

    • Ideation Bootcamp – https://www.ideationbootcamp.co/

    • Copy That – https://copythat.com

    • Hampton Wealth Survey – https://joinhampton.com/wealth

    • Sam’s List – http://samslist.co/

    My First Million is a HubSpot Original Podcast // Brought to you by HubSpot Media // Production by Arie Desormeaux // Editing by Ezra Bakker Trupiano

  • Mom Advice: 10 Life Lessons from Mom (Greatest Hits)

    AI transcript
    0:00:05 Here’s an oldie but a goodie from the archives from the Side Hustle Show Greatest Hits Collection.
    0:00:09 What’s up? What’s up? Nick Loper here. Welcome to the Side Hustle Show because
    0:00:15 the best time to repair a roof is when the sun is shining. Hat tip to JFK for that one
    0:00:21 special Mother’s Day edition of the show for you this week featuring 10 bits of advice and wisdom
    0:00:29 from mom. The dad advice episode we did last June for Father’s Day was a lot of fun and it was pretty
    0:00:35 popular so I’m going to attempt to revisit that format today just with mom providing the often
    0:00:41 very literal advice and me over analyzing it 30 years later. That Father’s Day episode was number
    0:00:48 393 if you want to go back and check it out. So first a little bit about mom for the sake of context
    0:00:55 here. She essentially had two careers the first in nursing and the second as a library assistant
    0:01:00 where she actually helped me get one of my first jobs getting paid to reshelve books. This is like
    0:01:07 the perfect introvert gig plus it paid time and a half on Sundays which was like 12 or 13 bucks an hour
    0:01:15 pretty good high school job. But mom encouraged both work and work ethic at an early age both in my
    0:01:22 brother and I by her own example and by setting expectations. More on that in a bit. But mom’s
    0:01:27 probably always been my biggest advocate and supporter even if the online business models that
    0:01:31 I was playing around with weren’t always easy to explain to her friends like oh I think he sells
    0:01:37 shoes on the internet I don’t know he seems to be doing okay. You know how bloggers always joke about
    0:01:43 like the early days of their blog when it’s only their mom reading? Those are not jokes those are 100%
    0:01:48 true and it’s not only that she would leave comments and I’d want to say well that’s fine just don’t put
    0:01:53 your last name or don’t put mom in the name field like make it look legit. So here we go 10 lessons
    0:02:00 from mom that stand out and have stuck with me over the years. Number one is to keep reading and to keep
    0:02:06 writing. My brother and I you’ll hear from Chris in a minute you know we watched our fair share of TV
    0:02:11 and we played our fair share of video games but reading for pleasure was always encouraged and was
    0:02:17 really expected. But beyond that there was this unspoken balance of consumption and creation and
    0:02:21 what I found was that by reading and learning and taking in different styles and perspectives
    0:02:29 you become more creative. Like when I listen to other podcasts or read other authors I find what I like
    0:02:34 and what I don’t like oh what literary device did they use there and I’m often finding inspiration
    0:02:40 during quote-unquote consumption time. But for mom it wasn’t enough to be a passive consumer. We had this
    0:02:46 stack of construction paper and crayons and markers in the desk in the kitchen and we turned that into all
    0:02:51 sorts of projects. I remember we were making pilgrim costumes and treasure maps and making up our own
    0:02:57 games. When I said I didn’t like the new Sonics logo she said okay make a better one. And I think writing
    0:03:03 is probably one of the most underrated skills in the world today because so much of our communication
    0:03:08 it happens over email or you know maybe you need to make a good impression on your resume or your
    0:03:13 LinkedIn profile or you need to persuade someone to join your email list or to buy your product
    0:03:17 or you just need to create a piece of content that Google thinks is good enough to rank on the first
    0:03:22 page. It’s all writing and it’s a skill that can be learned but it’s a skill that takes practice
    0:03:29 and I’m really grateful that mom encouraged both Chris and I to keep writing. Yes we got plenty of
    0:03:34 practice in school but we’d come up with stories that weren’t part of any school assignment. I remember
    0:03:40 one from probably first grade about three dinos. Couldn’t spell dinosaur at that time so they were just
    0:03:47 dinos. They were named Ken, Alvin, and Jose after some you know popular baseball players circa 1989.
    0:03:53 I don’t remember the plot of the story but it was just an early example of writing for fun. A habit
    0:03:58 that continues today only you know I’m lucky enough to get paid to do it now. And I think this is a big
    0:04:04 deal and that’s why I put it at number one. The easy path is to keep consuming this endless social media
    0:04:11 feed but dedicate some time to your own creation. Doesn’t have to be writing but make something. What do you
    0:04:16 want to be known for? What are you going to put out into the world? One of the questions that I asked
    0:04:22 myself before starting Side Hustle Nation was when someone googles you what do you want them to find?
    0:04:28 So that was mom advice number one. Keep reading. Keep writing. Number two is if you’re not in it it’s just a
    0:04:32 postcard. Back in the day you might be old enough to remember this. You didn’t have a camera on your
    0:04:38 phone. Instead you took pictures with an actual camera with actual film. Yes pre-digital camera.
    0:04:43 And then when the role was used up might be next week might be three months from now you had to
    0:04:47 take it to the place and get it developed. Super delayed gratification. I remember that picture
    0:04:54 and the feedback mom gave me upon developing one of those roles of film of mine was you know what if
    0:05:00 you’re not in it it’s just a postcard. I don’t remember what those pictures were of only apparently
    0:05:05 that I wasn’t in them and that was something that stuck with me both on the literal level and on the
    0:05:10 metaphorical level. If you’re ever fortunate enough to find yourself at the Great Wall or
    0:05:16 Anchor Wand or Stonehenge or the Eiffel Tower or the Pyramids or wherever know that there have been
    0:05:21 thousands of professional photographers who’ve been there before you with just the right light and just
    0:05:26 the right equipment and they’ve gotten a better shot than you could really ever realistically hope
    0:05:32 to achieve. But they don’t have you. Get in the picture. So in all my projects the ones that have had
    0:05:37 the most success are the ones that I signed my name to instead of the ones where I’ve tried to stay more
    0:05:43 you know semi-anonymous behind the scenes. They’re the ones that I stepped into the picture for and of
    0:05:48 course just about every business under the sun has been done before and if it hasn’t maybe that’s a
    0:05:54 risky sign you better go and validate it first but it hasn’t been done by you with your unique
    0:05:59 perspectives and personality with your unique strength and your style. Just last week we heard from
    0:06:05 Jade Weatherington who said that she’d had people rip off her lessons and her curriculum and she said
    0:06:12 they can copy her but they can’t be her. You can be your own unique selling proposition and competitive
    0:06:18 advantage. If you’re not in it it’s just a postcard. Mom lesson number three is be able to follow the
    0:06:25 instructions but doing it your own way is allowed too. This is a lego building example as in yes you can
    0:06:30 build the thing you can follow the steps you can make it look like the one in the picture and yes
    0:06:35 that’s fun. That’s important to be able to pay attention to the details all of that but now you got
    0:06:42 all these pieces what else could you make? And I feel like we spent a lot more time building off script in
    0:06:49 that way. So our oldest is five now little hustler number one. He’s super into legos and I think it’s
    0:06:53 really cool that he’s got this part figured out. He calls it imagination legos where he just builds
    0:06:59 something of his own creation. Pterodactyls, spaceships, boats, all sorts of cool stuff. The reason I think
    0:07:06 this parallels entrepreneurship is that yes you should absolutely take advantage of the case studies and
    0:07:13 examples and recipes and mentorship of all the people, all the businesses that have gone before you. And in some
    0:07:18 ways it would be kind of silly not to. Like why reinvent the wheel, right? And a lot of this stuff is free. I
    0:07:24 remember our chat with Donald Spann last year who built and sold a virtual receptionist company.
    0:07:30 All remote. What was interesting was he said he would listen to interviews that other call center
    0:07:36 founders gave. And I think he specifically mentioned Jill Nelson from Ruby Receptionists.
    0:07:41 And he would learn all sorts of details about the inner workings of these companies. It’s also why during
    0:07:48 any well-orchestrated affiliate launch, the affiliate manager will give you the formula. Hey, I need you
    0:07:53 to send an email on these days. Here’s the swipe copy for day number one. Here’s the swipe copy for
    0:07:59 day number two. It’s because they’ve seen what works. And so while I think it’s wise to pay attention to
    0:08:05 what’s working and what has worked, it’s okay to do an imagination build too. And remember imagination
    0:08:10 Legos. Just because for some of the challenges you come across, there’s not always going to be
    0:08:15 instructions. It’s similar to the postcard bit. Inject yourself into the project as a point of
    0:08:21 differentiation. And with any luck, you’ll be the case study that other people turn to look to you for
    0:08:26 inspiration in the future. So be able to follow the instructions, but doing it your own way is allowed
    0:08:33 too. That was a bit of mom advice number three. Number four is to send your thank you notes. So we had two
    0:08:38 Aunt Margaret’s growing up and for our birthdays, Chris and I, they would send us a birthday card
    0:08:44 with a check and one Aunt Margaret would send a $15 check and the other Aunt Margaret would send a $2
    0:08:50 check. And looking back, you know, how sweet is that, right? But we weren’t allowed to cash those checks
    0:08:54 and we definitely weren’t allowed to spend any of that money until the thank you notes were written.
    0:08:59 And I understand it’s a polite thing to do and it’s maybe becoming a little bit of a lost art,
    0:09:06 but it was number one, a way to practice writing again, right? And number two, a way to instill
    0:09:12 gratitude. Even as a kid, when writing thank you notes was kind of a chore, it made you think that these
    0:09:18 people took some time out of their day to send you a card and to send you some money. They care about you.
    0:09:24 Be grateful that you have these people in your life. And while you’re at it, maybe you have some other stuff
    0:09:29 to be thankful for too. I’ve been gratitude journaling off and on for probably close to 10 years at this
    0:09:35 point, which is like a mini thank you note every night, no matter how bad a day goes, no matter how
    0:09:43 challenging it is, I find this to be a pretty helpful nightly reset. Just a little reminder. Okay, it’s not
    0:09:48 all bad. And this is actually one of the five primary habits that I’ve got baked into my progress journal,
    0:09:54 physical productivity journal, which you can find at progress journal.net. So write those thank you
    0:10:01 notes. What are you grateful for? More mom advice coming up right after this. When you’re running a
    0:10:06 business, every missed call is money left on the table. Customers expect speed. Think about the last
    0:10:12 time you had a plumbing emergency. If the first plumber didn’t answer, my guess is you moved on to the next
    0:10:16 one on the list. With our sponsor, OpenPhone, you’ll never miss an opportunity to connect with your
    0:10:22 customers. OpenPhone is the number one business phone system that streamlines and scales your
    0:10:26 customer communications. It works through an app on your phone or computer. So that means no more
    0:10:31 carrying around two phones or using a landline. With OpenPhone, your team can share one number and
    0:10:37 collaborate on customer calls and texts, just like a shared inbox. That way, any team member can pick up
    0:10:42 right where the last person left off, keeping response times faster than ever. Right now, OpenPhone is
    0:10:49 offering SideHustle show listeners 20% off your first six months at OpenPhone.com slash SideHustle.
    0:10:58 That’s O-P-E-N-P-H-O-N-E dot com, OpenPhone.com slash SideHustle. And if you have existing numbers with
    0:11:04 another service, OpenPhone will port them over at no extra charge. OpenPhone. No missed calls,
    0:11:10 no missed customers. One strategy I didn’t fully embrace or maybe wasn’t fully aware of when I was
    0:11:15 starting out was this idea of the piggyback principle. In the startup phase, that means you
    0:11:19 don’t have to start completely from scratch, but instead you can take advantage of existing tools,
    0:11:25 templates, playbooks, best practices from the people who’ve gone before you. A perfect example of this
    0:11:31 is our partner Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses from
    0:11:36 household names to side hustlers on their way to becoming household names. With hundreds of ready-to-use
    0:11:41 templates, Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store and start selling. Plus, Shopify is packed
    0:11:46 with helpful AI tools to accelerate your workflow. We’re talking product descriptions, page headlines,
    0:11:51 and even enhancing your product photography. You can even easily create email and social media campaigns
    0:11:56 to reach your target customers wherever they’re scrolling or strolling. If you’re ready to sell,
    0:12:02 you’re ready for Shopify. Turn your big business idea into with Shopify on your side. Sign up for your
    0:12:09 $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash side hustle. Go to Shopify.com
    0:12:13 slash side hustle. Shopify.com slash side hustle.
    0:12:21 Mom lessons number five and number six come from my brother, Chris, who you can find writing about living
    0:12:26 your best life. And he also offers habit coaching at becomingbetter.org.
    0:12:34 I’ve got two bits of wisdom from mom that I’d like to share. The first one is people like mixtapes. Now
    0:12:39 this concept will be a little foreign to younger listeners, but when I grew up, we listened to cassette
    0:12:45 tapes in the car. And there was a time around fourth grade that I got really into Billy Joel. I would
    0:12:51 constantly listen to his albums on the record player in our living room. And mom realized that I would
    0:12:56 appreciate having a mixtape of my favorite Billy Joel songs for the car. So she made one for me.
    0:13:01 And of course, I loved it. For side hustlers, the lesson here is that there’s a lot of value in
    0:13:07 curating. Not that many people want to listen through all of Billy Joel’s albums, but loads of people want
    0:13:12 the greatest hits. So if you can sift through a large collection of ideas and organize the best of
    0:13:18 them into a website, a book, or a course, people will really appreciate that and pay you for it.
    0:13:23 Nick does that with things like the traffic course.com. And it’s something I’ve done with articles
    0:13:29 like the one I wrote on the essentials of stoicism. The second bit of mom wisdom I’d like to share is
    0:13:36 do the easy part first. One thing I always did with mom growing up was jigsaw puzzles. And some of the
    0:13:41 puzzles we did were really big and really difficult, but mom had a strategy for handling the challenge.
    0:13:47 Start with the outline and then work on the easiest parts of the puzzle. The lesson for everyone,
    0:13:52 and especially for side hustlers working on complicated projects is that a difficult task feels
    0:13:58 more doable once you get started. Once you knock out the easy parts and make an outline, the project that
    0:14:05 initially felt overwhelming becomes manageable. Plus, moving forward creates momentum. So instead of feeling
    0:14:11 stuck or feeling lazy, you’ll actually feel motivated to continue. This is an essential strategy for overcoming
    0:14:16 procrastination. By beginning with the easiest part, you make it easier to get rolling.
    0:14:25 I like this curation example. And there are tons of examples in the online business space where you can
    0:14:31 see it in action. I mean, in one sense, every interview that you hear on this show is one form
    0:14:36 of curation because it made it through versus the 25 pitches that didn’t. And I’ve started creating custom
    0:14:44 playlists on Spotify that showcase specific business models to hopefully eliminate some of that overwhelm of,
    0:14:49 there’s 400 episodes. Where do I start? Another curation business model I’m excited about right now is email
    0:14:55 newsletters. You might have noticed that I’ve started doing this at the bottom of my newsletters, highlighting
    0:15:02 two or three cool tools or articles that I found interesting over the last week. But curated newsletters are really
    0:15:08 cool because if you could source the most interesting or helpful articles in your niche and do it on a daily or weekly
    0:15:14 basis, you help cut through the clutter for all your subscribers. One of my new favorites here is called all star
    0:15:19 money. This is an example from the personal finance space where every day they’re sending out three unique
    0:15:26 articles from the personal finance universe. They’re well thought out. They’re interesting. I don’t know. I like it all star
    0:15:34 money. But as the audience grows, the other reason that these curated newsletters are interesting to me is, you know,
    0:15:41 they can be monetized with relevant advertising or affiliate offers or even products or services of your
    0:15:47 own creation. You can check out my chat with Cody Sanchez in episode 419 for a little bit more on the
    0:15:53 newsletter business. That’s on how she grew in monetized contrarian thinking. So that was mom advice.
    0:15:59 Number five, curation is creation. And yes, it is a valuable service. Number six was doing the easy
    0:16:07 part first. And this is kind of the counter argument to Brian Tracy’s eat that frog, which argues, do the
    0:16:12 most difficult thing first, get it out of the way. There’s, I think, a time and a place for both, especially
    0:16:18 if you’re prone to procrastination. You know, maybe you just need to rip off that bandaid. I’m curious,
    0:16:24 though, which way do you prefer to work? I tend to default to doing the easy stuff first to build some
    0:16:30 positive momentum like Chris described. And in my case, maybe that’s outlining an article instead of
    0:16:35 staring at the blank screen and trying to come up with an intro. But once that’s done, once the outline
    0:16:39 is done, the article kind of starts to write itself, you start filling in the gaps. And next thing you know,
    0:16:46 you’ve made some some meaningful progress. But big thanks to Chris for sharing those curate and do the
    0:16:52 easy part first. Again, you’ll find him at becoming better.org. The next bit of mom advice was one we
    0:16:59 actually talked about as well, Chris and I, and that’s number seven, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound
    0:17:05 of cure. Chris’s example was that developing good brushing and flossing habits is a lot cheaper than
    0:17:11 paying for cavities. But I actually remember another bathroom related example that had to do with our aim
    0:17:16 around the toilet. Mom was sick of cleaning up the bathroom when we were kids. So the first thing she
    0:17:22 did was delegate that chore to us. Look, it’s your job now. When we decided it wasn’t much fun either.
    0:17:27 She said, well, you know what, it would be a lot easier if you didn’t miss so much. So after that,
    0:17:32 we got a lot more careful with our aim, you know, preventing the problem from happening in the first
    0:17:37 place. When I worked in the car business, there was a rule in the service department to call your
    0:17:43 customers before they called you. Like if a customer had their car in the shop for some maintenance or
    0:17:50 repair, make sure to give them updates and progress reports and cost details as it goes along before
    0:17:55 they call you at 445, right before closing time to ask, hey, is this ready to get picked up? Or they
    0:18:00 get this surprise bill when they do show up. It was a way to prevent upset customers and manage
    0:18:06 expectations. In online business, you see lots of examples of this ounce of prevention in practice,
    0:18:15 from FAQ pages to detailed sizing information and pictures like of the products, or even with advertising
    0:18:22 copy that says specifically who the product is the best fit for, and maybe who it’s not for. All of that is
    0:18:29 designed to prevent the more expensive, quote, cures of customer support staff, of processing returns,
    0:18:35 or just working with a client who’s not well aligned with what you have to offer. So your homework here is
    0:18:42 to take a look at the messages or questions that you get from customers, readers, subscribers. Are there
    0:18:48 any patterns? What could you do to prevent some of those messages? Now I want to be clear, I am happy to
    0:18:54 hear from readers and listeners. I love it. Most of the time it makes my day. But there are certain messages
    0:19:00 that are frustrating for both parties, like, hey, where’s my file? Or how can I update my email? So I put
    0:19:05 together a special VIP page where subscribers can access all the bonus files, don’t have to punch in
    0:19:11 your email again. And I send that out to new subscribers after they join the email list. You can
    0:19:16 check it out, sidehustlenation.com slash join. You can see it in action. It should be there, you know,
    0:19:21 10-15 minutes after you sign up. And then I added a little link at the bottom of the newsletter that
    0:19:27 lets people update their account information in ActiveCampaign. And I think once you start looking,
    0:19:33 you’ll find lots of different ways to apply this ounce of prevention rule. Maybe it’s creating text
    0:19:38 expander snippets for stuff you type all the time. Maybe it’s creating process documentation for your
    0:19:43 team. But that was mom advice number seven, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
    0:19:51 Mom lesson number eight is, is that really what you want to spend your money on? I credit both mom and
    0:19:58 dad for instilling this habit of lifelong frugality, or maybe spending intentionally is maybe a better way
    0:20:03 to phrase it. But it was mom who helped, you know, count out the coins from my Garfield piggy bank and
    0:20:09 open up my first savings account. She was the one who’d play allowance the board game with us. And one of the
    0:20:16 first things I remember saving up for as a kid was to buy this skateboard. And it was probably first grade,
    0:20:22 second grade. It was 28 bucks at Toys R Us. There was one with a cooler pattern for $36, but I didn’t have
    0:20:28 that much. And we’re standing there in the aisle and she asks, okay, is that really what you want to spend your
    0:20:33 money on? And if you thought it was a dumb idea, which you probably did, I don’t think that was
    0:20:40 detected by me. Instead, what came across was, yes, you can get this. You understand how much it costs.
    0:20:45 You understand how much money you have. And is that worth it to you? And at the time it was, I remember
    0:20:50 my friend pulling me up and down the street behind his bike on that thing. But on countless other
    0:20:55 occasions, the answer was no, I’d rather save for something else. There’s nothing wrong with spending
    0:21:01 money. In fact, that’s kind of the point of earning it, but to make sure it’s on the things that you
    0:21:06 really want and value. Just because you can afford something doesn’t necessarily mean that you should
    0:21:13 buy it. I also think there’s something about giving kids autonomy with money early on, freedom to make
    0:21:19 what you might consider a mistake on a small scale. So they learn what it feels like to spend, what it feels
    0:21:25 like to save. And hopefully, maybe they don’t make bigger money mistakes later on. So that was lesson
    0:21:30 number eight for me. Is that really what you want to spend your money on? Number nine is to have high
    0:21:38 expectations and hold yourself accountable. I was the kid who stressed out about school and grades a lot
    0:21:44 more than I probably should have. And mom swears this was self-inflicted, but I don’t know, we definitely
    0:21:50 didn’t want to disappoint her. So in middle school, I started to hear these rumors and rumblings that some
    0:21:55 of my friends were getting paid for their grades, like their parents would give them 20 bucks for every
    0:22:01 A and $10 for every B or something like that. I was like, I could be making money. And I can’t tell you
    0:22:09 how fast this proposal was shot down by mom and dad when I floated it by them. Why reward what’s expected,
    0:22:15 I think was the reaction. Do your best because of who you are and care about the effort you put out
    0:22:20 into the world, not because you think you’re going to get paid for it. Great report card. Now go do it
    0:22:26 again next semester. Have high expectations for yourself was number nine. Number 10 is I hope you
    0:22:32 dance. And this was mom’s advice upon graduating high school, which was actually lyrics from a song that was
    0:22:39 medium popular around that time by Leanne Womack. This was really before my country music kick, but it
    0:22:43 was still all over the radio. You couldn’t miss it. I don’t think I can play it for you for copyright
    0:22:48 reasons, but it opens like this and I’m not going to try and sing it. Opening lines. I hope you never
    0:22:53 lose your sense of wonder. You get to eat your fill, but always keep that hunger. And in rereading the lyrics
    0:23:00 in preparation for this episode, I can tell why she gave it to me. This is a really heartfelt sendoff
    0:23:07 from any parent to any child, the kind that I probably wasn’t capable of appreciating at 18 and
    0:23:15 maybe even not 28, but certainly do now after having kids of my own. It’s a call to be grateful for what
    0:23:22 you’ve got, but to keep growing, to have the strength to get through the challenges ahead and to have some
    0:23:28 fun along the way. So thank you for that, mom. Love you. Hopefully lots of years of dancing still to
    0:23:35 come. Now I asked her what advice she got from her mom. And even though she had zero desire to be on air,
    0:23:41 she was a good sport. She did send me this clip. After much thought and consulting my siblings, it turns
    0:23:47 out mom wasn’t big on giving advice. We weren’t often told you can’t do something, but we were told to try
    0:23:53 and mom would be there to pick up the pieces when it didn’t work out. So I guess mom’s advice would be
    0:24:00 don’t be afraid to try. I think that clocked in at 18, 19 seconds. Definitely not one to seek the
    0:24:06 spotlight, but there you have it. Be open to trying new things. The side hustle show is a great example
    0:24:11 of me trying something new and it is turning eight years old this month. Hard to believe, but you never
    0:24:17 know until you try. And I know I’m at my happiest when I’m experimenting and trying new stuff. For
    0:24:24 example, I’m testing a new email challenge slash welcome series with a little one-time offer on the
    0:24:28 confirmation page for the first time ever. This took an embarrassing amount of brain power to create,
    0:24:33 but was also a lot of fun. I’m excited to see what kind of results it gets because if you don’t test,
    0:24:39 if you don’t experiment, if you don’t try, you’ll never know. But mom, appreciate all the encouragement
    0:24:44 and wisdom over the years. And thank you so much for tuning in. That is it for me. Until next time,
    0:24:48 let’s go out there and make something happen. And I’ll catch you in the next edition of the Side
    0:25:04 Hustle Show. Hustle on. Did you know Mother’s Day is coming up? Yeah. What should we get for mama?
    0:25:13 I’m thinking card. Card would be nice. Or a car? A car? Yeah. I don’t know about that. What kind of
    0:25:21 car would mommy like? A car that could turn into a submarine or a plane. That’s very versatile for
    0:25:24 sure. Or we could just build one. Or we could build one. What would you build it out of?
    0:25:32 Metal. Metal, sure. Or we need to buy pieces. Yeah, it probably would require a lot of pieces.
    0:25:40 Let’s go back to the card idea. What would you write in the card for mama? A joke. A joke? Tell a good,
    0:25:46 what’s a good Mother’s Day joke? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Em. Em who? Oh, I’m a mother.
    0:25:53 All right. I don’t know if I get that one, but what’s Mother’s Day all about? You give mother
    0:26:00 something. Is it like birthdays for moms? Mm-hmm. Trying to be thankful for all the things that
    0:26:07 they do for us? Yeah. Yeah. What kind of stuff does mama do for you? Uh, cook a dinner. Yeah,
    0:26:11 she’s a good cook. She makes you good food. Mm-hmm. Uh, what else? Rocking us before bedtime.
    0:26:20 Rocks you to sleep. Yeah. What does mama do for work? Uh, work on the phone, type on the computer,
    0:26:28 which is so boring. What else? She practices making some laser beams. Where did she go? At the end of
    0:26:35 the freeway. The end of the freeway? Yeah. What type of building is it? A laboratory. She works at the
    0:26:43 laboratory. What do you think they have there? Laser beams. What else? Sauce. Laser beams and
    0:26:49 saws? I don’t really know. Saucers? Saucers? It’s a top secret place. How else does mommy make money?
    0:26:57 Take pictures. That’s right. Taking pictures. Who does she take pictures of? People. Taking pictures
    0:27:01 of people. That’s right. Because landscapes don’t write checks. We call that our side hustle. Do you know
    0:27:06 what a side hustle is? No. Well, now you do. It’s something extra that you do to make money.
    0:27:13 Work? Yeah. Extra work. I think I know a good job I could do. Yeah. If you needed to make money,
    0:27:19 what would you do? I could keep mice out of the attic. Keep mice out of the attic? Yeah. That’s
    0:27:25 definitely a legit job. Like rodent proofing, for sure. Yeah. I could put security systems. Oh,
    0:27:32 security system? For a mouse. Okay. So I’d put some cheese in the attic tied to a string and then the
    0:27:38 mice would eat the cheese. They would like bring the cheese to their house, but then it would pull
    0:27:44 the string and then the net would go on. Okay. I feel like there’s an old board game like that.
    0:27:50 What’s your favorite game to play? Uno. The game that never ends. Uno can go on for a long time.
    0:27:55 Remember that time where we played with grandma and grandpa and all grandma had good greens?
    0:28:03 Yeah. And it lasted like almost half the night, right? It lasted for a long time. People were trying
    0:28:09 to help you win. I had something else I was going to ask you and then I forgot. What was it? It was,
    0:28:13 oh, are you excited for kindergarten? Yes. What’s going to happen at kindergarten?
    0:28:18 I don’t know. Me neither, man. It’s been a long time since I was in kindergarten.
    0:28:25 My kindergarten teacher was Mrs. Rockwell. That’s weird. Do you think she likes rocks?
    0:28:32 Maybe so. I can find some pretty cool rocks. Diamond-shaped ones. That’s for sure.
    0:28:36 Yeah. White ones. White ones. Do you think you can ride a school bus to kindergarten?
    0:28:40 Yeah. Yeah? How are you going to know where to go?
    0:28:43 Go where? And once you get to the school, it’s a big place.
    0:28:50 I just look around first. Just look around. Somebody will probably be like a, uh, that looks
    0:28:56 like a confused kindergartner. Right this way, sir. What’s your name? I look like a confused…
    0:29:02 Well, I bet most of the people who first got there were pretty confused. That’s right. You won’t be
    0:29:07 the only one. Yeah. If you had a kid, what kind of advice would you give them? I don’t know.
    0:29:13 What kind of advice does mama give you? Be a good listener. Be a good listener. What else?
    0:29:18 Be nice to Gray. Yes. Be nice to brother, for sure. She’s mostly trying to help you,
    0:29:22 you know, grow up to be a good human, you know? Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. You want to be done
    0:29:25 with this? Yeah. Okay. All right. Thanks, dude.

    With Mother’s Day coming up, I wanted to share some of the best advice and lessons I got from mom growing up. Most of the time, this was pretty literal advice, but I found a lot of it has a broader application to entrepreneurship.

    Mom has always been probably my biggest advocate and supporter. For background, she essentially had a couple different careers, first in nursing and then as a library assistant.

    (At the library, she actually helped me get one of my first jobs in high school.)

    Lots of wisdom I hope to be able to pass along to our little ones!

    And if you like this format, be sure to check out the companion list/episode on dad’s advice!

    Full Show Notes: Mom Advice: 10 Life Lessons from Mom

    New to the Show? Get your personalized money-making playlist here!

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  • Contracts of Love & Money That Make or Break Relationships | James Sexton

    中文
    Tiếng Việt
    AI transcript
    0:00:05 Welcome to the Huberman Lab podcast, where we discuss science and science-based tools for everyday life.
    0:00:14 I’m Andrew Huberman, and I’m a professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine.
    0:00:17 My guest today is James Sexton.
    0:00:25 James Sexton is a renowned attorney with over 25 years of experience in family law, specializing in prenuptial agreements and divorces.
    0:00:29 He is known as what many call the voice of reason between love and legal.
    0:00:41 Today, we discuss something that might seem counterintuitive, which is how the legal frameworks and contracts surrounding relationships, particularly prenuptial agreements, can actually deepen emotional connection and build trust between partners.
    0:00:48 As James points out, intimacy and trust are fundamentally about the ability to be your true self with your partner and them with you.
    0:00:50 It’s about allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.
    0:00:56 It’s also about having a same team spirit, of course, respect for one another and admiration for each other’s unique qualities.
    0:01:09 Today, we explore how prenuptial agreements, which most often are viewed as being unromantic or pessimistic, can actually serve as ways to establish a sense of safety for both people and prevent many common conflicts and misunderstandings.
    0:01:12 As James puts it, everyone has a prenup.
    0:01:17 You either have one that was created by the state legislature or you can tailor one to you and your partner’s unique needs.
    0:01:24 He also points out something that many people will find surprising, which is that the vast majority of people who do prenups stay married.
    0:01:35 We also discuss love itself and the key questions that we all need to ask to find the right partner and if you have one, to build the strongest possible bonds with them.
    0:01:41 The information in today’s episode is going to be extremely important for anyone looking for or currently in a relationship.
    0:01:56 Whether you’re single, dating, engaged, or married, understanding how the legal and emotional frameworks that support lasting relationships intersect can help you navigate one of life’s most rewarding but challenging journeys with much greater awareness and intention and probability of success.
    0:02:01 Before we begin, I’d like to emphasize that this podcast is separate from my teaching and research roles at Stanford.
    0:02:09 It is, however, part of my desire and effort to bring zero-cost-to-consumer information about science and science-related tools to the general public.
    0:02:12 In keeping with that theme, this episode does include sponsors.
    0:02:15 And now for my discussion with James Sexton.
    0:02:17 Jim Sexton, welcome.
    0:02:18 Thank you. It’s good to be here.
    0:02:20 I’ve been wanting to do this for a while.
    0:02:22 I know. It’s a long time in the making. Yeah.
    0:02:33 I think if two guys sit down, one of them a lawyer who’s known as a divorce lawyer, and they’re talking about divorce and love and money and contracts and the ending of things,
    0:02:41 I think there’s a understandable default mindset where the female half of our audience are probably going to think,
    0:02:45 like, here are a couple guys talking about relationships and divorce through the lens of their Y chromosomes.
    0:02:51 Which, of course, it’s impossible to avoid completely because I haven’t done the karyotyping.
    0:02:54 But you have a Y chromosome, and I do as well.
    0:03:01 I would like to know, in your experience working with male clients and female clients,
    0:03:05 is there something unique to the female experience of divorce?
    0:03:14 Or the female experience of realizing, wow, this contract that I thought was for life may not or is it not for life?
    0:03:22 That sort of drives a kind of female-specific set of psychological responses.
    0:03:25 Here, I’m basically asking for a generalization.
    0:03:26 Yeah.
    0:03:29 And I want to be clear, I’m not asking this for politically correct reasons.
    0:03:34 I’m asking this because, like I said, two guys sitting down to talk about relationships, love, and divorce.
    0:03:35 That’s kind of where the mind goes.
    0:03:36 Yeah.
    0:03:44 And I mean, before I would get canceled in the comments for being misandrist or misogynist,
    0:03:54 I always try to say that the things I’m observing are a function of having divorced thousands of people,
    0:03:59 men and women, like for 25 years I’ve done nothing but divorce law on a full-time basis.
    0:04:01 And I mean it on a truly full-time basis.
    0:04:04 So I wake up in the morning thinking about this stuff.
    0:04:06 I go to bed thinking about this stuff.
    0:04:07 I work six, seven days a week.
    0:04:08 That’s why I’m divorced.
    0:04:11 I really, really love the work.
    0:04:15 And so all the things I’m saying are really just my observations.
    0:04:23 So, you know, in response to that question, I think the world relates to divorced men and
    0:04:24 divorced women differently.
    0:04:29 And I think people’s self-conception, right, is very different.
    0:04:35 So I often tell my male clients when we’re dealing with, you know, a custody case, for example,
    0:04:40 which is, you know, arguments over when a child’s going to live with whom and when they’re going to spend time with whom.
    0:04:44 And there was this concept called the maternal presumption, which was around legally for years,
    0:04:46 or something called the tender years doctrine.
    0:04:48 It’s called different things in different states.
    0:04:51 But it was around until probably the 1980s.
    0:04:57 And that was that a child was assumed to stay in the custody of the mother unless you could prove she was an unfit mother.
    0:05:01 So men were automatically second class when it came to being a parent.
    0:05:02 So it was automatic.
    0:05:03 It was the default.
    0:05:06 Now, of course, in the 80s, there was a different makeup of the workforce.
    0:05:11 There was a different gender roles, obviously, in terms of assignment of child care responsibilities.
    0:05:12 It was a different world to some degree.
    0:05:15 But that was eradicated in the 1980s.
    0:05:18 And the bench, even, the judges have changed dramatically.
    0:05:23 When I started practicing 25 years ago, 90% of the judges I appeared in front of were old white men, period.
    0:05:24 Like, that was it.
    0:05:25 It was old white men.
    0:05:33 And so I got in the habit of, like, have a short haircut, hide the tattoos, like, look like you’re coming out of the set of Inherit the Wind.
    0:05:38 Like, look like you are what, you know, because you’ve got a conservative old man as your judge.
    0:05:40 That is not the makeup of the bench anymore.
    0:05:43 The bench now is as diverse as the people that it serves.
    0:05:53 So one of the things, though, that I tell my male clients is even though that maternal presumption is gone, women fight harder for custody than men do.
    0:05:54 Really?
    0:06:02 I’d love to say to you that it’s because the maternal instinct and bond is so strong that women just care about their kids and they want custody.
    0:06:04 I don’t really believe it’s that.
    0:06:07 I think it’s the following.
    0:06:15 If you and I just met normal life, right, like we’re just out at a bar and I sit up night and you say, so Jim, tell me about yourself.
    0:06:17 And I say, well, I’m divorced.
    0:06:19 My kids live with their mom.
    0:06:21 I see them every other weekend and once a week for dinner.
    0:06:22 He would go, okay, cool.
    0:06:23 Jim’s a divorced guy.
    0:06:24 You know, he’s working.
    0:06:25 He does his thing.
    0:06:29 I’m a woman and I say, I have two kids.
    0:06:30 They live with their father.
    0:06:32 I see them every other weekend.
    0:06:34 You go, what is wrong with this one?
    0:06:37 Is she on substance use issues, mental health issues?
    0:06:39 Like why does he have custody of the kids?
    0:06:41 Why doesn’t she have custody of her kids?
    0:06:55 So there is an element of how motherhood is perceived as an identity, even for a working woman, that it’s like if you don’t have your kids on a full-time or close-to-full-time basis,
    0:06:56 there’s this perception.
    0:07:02 So that infuses, that changes the way that women are in custody litigation.
    0:07:04 That’s a huge piece of it.
    0:07:24 On the other side of things, you know, the gender stuff in divorce and in breakups is really interesting and complicated in this sense that, for example, if a man cheats on his wife, he’s a piece of shit, can’t keep it in his pants, he’s a child, why couldn’t he be honest?
    0:07:33 A woman cheats on her husband, she was driven into the arms of another man, he wasn’t meeting her needs, this was her journey of self-discovery.
    0:07:34 Like, you can see it in popular media.
    0:07:37 Like watch any film, any TV show.
    0:07:40 When the man cheats, it’s like he’s a lecherous guy.
    0:07:45 The woman cheats, it’s like, oh, this poor woman, like she needed to find herself.
    0:07:47 She needed like her eat, pray, love moment.
    0:07:59 And so that’s, again, like the way the world interacts with people in breakups and in the clay that builds to the breakup is very different.
    0:08:02 So how people react to it is very different.
    0:08:22 Men, in my experience as clients, there’s a lot of anger that, you know, manifests in very honest ways, like very, you know, because men are, you know, men are, Bill Burr recently in one of his recent specials, this thing about men are allowed to be two things, angry or fine.
    0:08:24 That’s it, like angry or fine.
    0:08:31 And that’s, and I used to always say that growing up, you know, I’m 52, like growing up, I had two choices.
    0:08:33 You’re either Clint Eastwood or Richard Simmons.
    0:08:35 Those were your two choices as a man.
    0:08:41 You were either like stoic, you know, stony, no emotion or gay.
    0:08:42 That was it.
    0:08:43 Those were like your two choices.
    0:08:45 And of course, it’s totally dishonest.
    0:08:50 Of course, the reality is, is men have a different, you know, we have an emotional vocabulary.
    0:08:51 It just expresses in different ways.
    0:08:54 But anger is something men are allowed to have.
    0:08:56 So when men are sad, they seem angry.
    0:08:57 When men are angry, they seem angry.
    0:09:05 Women, my experience of women in divorces is they’re, they’re much more forgiving in unhappy marriages.
    0:09:12 They’re much more willing to stay in relatively unhappy marriages and, and sort of torture their partner.
    0:09:21 And then when they’ve decided, okay, I’m out, there is a level of like, yeah, whatever we got to do, we got to do.
    0:09:27 Like that sometimes to me as someone who does this for a living is like, oh, oh, okay.
    0:09:30 Like you’re, you’re just willing to, you’re just willing to go there.
    0:09:31 Like mercenary.
    0:09:31 Yeah.
    0:09:40 Just there’s, you know, like when, and you look at the history of the marriage and you go, wow, when they were together, like there’s nothing she wouldn’t do for him.
    0:09:43 And now it’s ending and man, there’s nothing she won’t do to him.
    0:09:45 Like she is just weaponized on him.
    0:09:50 And it’s, it’s, it’s, um, it’s kind of, it used to be surprising to me.
    0:09:51 It’s not really surprising to me anymore.
    0:09:58 I think I have a friend who was a criminal lawyer for many years, criminal defense attorney, really good one in the city.
    0:10:03 And we used to laugh because he used to say as a criminal lawyer, he sees bad people at their best.
    0:10:06 And as a divorce lawyer, I see good people at their worst.
    0:10:15 And it’s always astounding to me because I’ve reached a level in my career, thankfully, where I represent elite athletes.
    0:10:24 I represent, you know, people in the financial markets who, who literally move markets with their trades, people in entertainment industry.
    0:10:28 And they are as bad at this as any of us.
    0:10:30 Like they’re as bad at relationships.
    0:10:33 They’re as bad at heartbreak as anybody.
    0:10:37 So, you know, there were differences in the gender piece.
    0:10:41 There are differences in the socioeconomic piece.
    0:10:45 But at the end of the day, it’s like, it’s hurt people hurting people.
    0:10:47 And it kind of looks roughly the same.
    0:10:48 It’s very interesting.
    0:10:49 And there’s a lot in there.
    0:10:55 I want to return to this, um, sort of divergent response to men cheating versus women cheating a little bit later.
    0:10:59 Super interesting area for exploration.
    0:11:08 I feel like I have a Ph.D. in infidelity because it’s just, it’s part of, like, 90 plus percent of divorces in some form.
    0:11:08 Yeah.
    0:11:09 Really?
    0:11:13 Well, it’s, it’s why people, I think, you know, mistake correlation for causation.
    0:11:16 I mean, people all the time are like, you know, why are you getting divorced?
    0:11:17 Because he’s sleeping with his secretary.
    0:11:19 And it’s like, oh, that’s a pretty good reason to get divorced.
    0:11:25 But, you know, then when you scratch the surface, you’re like, okay, but why is he sleeping with his secretary?
    0:11:29 And there’s almost always this very deep backstory of, like, well, we stopped sleeping together.
    0:11:30 Why do we stop sleeping?
    0:11:31 Well, because he’s unkind to me.
    0:11:32 Well, why is he unkind to you?
    0:11:34 Well, because you’re totally indifferent to me.
    0:11:39 And you start to go, okay, the truth’s at the bottom of a bottomless pit and we’re never going to get there.
    0:11:41 Like, and all of those facts come with a point of view.
    0:12:03 So when you do what I do for a living, which is, you know, full contact storytelling, basically, in a courtroom against someone who’s trying to tell the opposite story, you find a lot of what you’re doing is just figuring out how to present the most persuasive version of this person’s subjective experience of their own life.
    0:12:07 I would like to take a quick break and acknowledge one of our sponsors, Wealthfront.
    0:12:13 I’ve been using Wealthfront for my savings and for my investing for nearly a decade, and I absolutely love it.
    0:12:15 At the start of every year, I set new goals.
    0:12:19 And one of my goals for 2025 is to focus on saving money.
    0:12:26 Since I have Wealthfront, I’ll keep that savings in my Wealthfront cash account, where I’m able to earn 4% annual percentage yield on my deposits.
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    0:13:26 That’s Wealthfront.com slash Huberman to get started now.
    0:13:28 This has been a paid testimonial of Wealthfront.
    0:13:30 Wealthfront brokerage isn’t a bank.
    0:13:32 The APY is subject to change.
    0:13:34 For more information, see the episode description.
    0:13:37 Today’s episode is also brought to us by BetterHelp.
    0:13:42 BetterHelp offers professional therapy with a licensed therapist carried out entirely online.
    0:13:46 I’ve been doing weekly therapy for well over 30 years.
    0:13:49 There are essentially three things that great therapy provides.
    0:13:55 First of all, it provides good rapport with somebody that you can really trust and talk to about any issues you want.
    0:14:00 Second of all, it can provide support in the form of emotional support and directed guidance.
    0:14:03 And third, expert therapy provides useful insights.
    0:14:06 Insights that allow you to better not just your emotional life and your relationships,
    0:14:12 but of course also the relationship to yourself and to your professional life and to all sorts of life and career goals.
    0:14:17 With BetterHelp, they make it extremely easy to find an expert therapist who you can really resonate with
    0:14:20 and that can help provide these benefits that come through effective therapy.
    0:14:24 And because BetterHelp allows for therapy to be done entirely online,
    0:14:27 it’s very time efficient and easy to fit into a busy schedule.
    0:14:32 There’s no commuting to a therapist’s office, finding parking, or sitting in a waiting room.
    0:14:50 We’re talking about breaking one contract, the contract of marriage, and creating a new contract, the contract of divorce.
    0:14:52 I’m fascinated by contracts.
    0:14:57 In the world of business, my business partner and I that started this podcast,
    0:15:02 I insisted that we take an even split.
    0:15:03 That was important to me.
    0:15:10 It’s absolutely critical because this podcast wouldn’t be what it is without him and his incredible expertise.
    0:15:12 He is the genius behind it all.
    0:15:20 Our initial contract was on a piece of paper in a little coffee shop in Manhattan where I said,
    0:15:21 how about this?
    0:15:22 How about this?
    0:15:23 And we discussed it.
    0:15:25 People like you give lawyers, like we get hives.
    0:15:28 Like you say that and I instantly start like, you know.
    0:15:33 Six months later or so, a lawyer told us we had to get a real contract.
    0:15:34 Yeah.
    0:15:35 And we did it.
    0:15:39 And I have to say it was fine and I’m glad we have contracts.
    0:15:44 But to me, all contracts, whether or not it’s a scribble on a piece of paper or it’s a formal contract,
    0:15:47 contracts make me feel safe.
    0:15:48 They make me feel good.
    0:15:50 I like rules and guidelines.
    0:15:52 I like knowing what’s going to happen if.
    0:15:55 For a scientist, this doesn’t really exist.
    0:16:00 You like to think you can control outcomes, but you can’t and you acknowledge that and you go into the unknown.
    0:16:03 So contracts are very reassuring to me.
    0:16:03 Yeah, yeah.
    0:16:06 I want to talk about the contract of marriage first.
    0:16:06 Yeah.
    0:16:10 And what you think is going through people’s mind when they decide to get married.
    0:16:12 There’s the engagement.
    0:16:14 There’s a lot of love.
    0:16:15 Hopefully, there’s a lot of love.
    0:16:17 Hopefully, there’s a lot of dopamine.
    0:16:18 That’s a wonderful thing.
    0:16:21 Presumably, there’s a lot of pheromones.
    0:16:24 There’s a lot of emotional and biological stuff happening.
    0:16:24 Sure.
    0:16:27 There’s the recognition from others.
    0:16:29 There’s the party.
    0:16:33 There’s the bachelor party, the bachelorette party, the shower, the wedding.
    0:16:37 I mean, there’s so many things reinforcing this bond.
    0:16:39 And every one of the things you just named are awesome.
    0:16:40 Mm-hmm.
    0:16:41 They’re great.
    0:16:41 Yeah.
    0:16:43 Like, those are all positive things.
    0:16:55 Like, from the cake to the bachelor party, bachelorette party, to the dress, to the way we’re going to have photos taken to commemorate the moment and sort of have this snapshot in time of who we were and who our families were.
    0:16:58 Like, all of that, how could you not cheer for that?
    0:16:59 Like, it’s phenomenal.
    0:17:00 Right.
    0:17:01 All of that sounds great.
    0:17:03 It’s like, you know, like, oh, I like this ice cream.
    0:17:03 What’s not to like?
    0:17:04 It’s ice cream.
    0:17:05 Of course you like ice cream.
    0:17:07 Yeah, to me, it’s celebration of life.
    0:17:08 Yeah.
    0:17:10 You know, it’s very different than the birth of a child, but it’s this.
    0:17:10 Yeah.
    0:17:14 Each one of those is a celebration of the life spirit.
    0:17:25 Yeah, and your place in the timeline and the history and the merging of families, the merging of clans, like the—and sort of this, we’re going to merge now, and maybe new life comes of that.
    0:17:29 And then that life merges with more life, and we become part of this chain.
    0:17:35 Like, this is gorgeous stuff, and this is the fundamental building blocks of human civilizations.
    0:17:42 So it is perfectly understandable that we get absolutely intoxicated by the thought of it and that we get so hopped up.
    0:17:45 But here’s what people don’t think about.
    0:17:49 The term contract never gets into that discussion.
    0:17:55 I’m telling you right now, right now, someone’s getting married somewhere, and they’ve never—the word contract’s never come out of there.
    0:17:56 They don’t view marriage as a contract.
    0:18:05 The two things that I, as a divorce lawyer, am constantly thinking about is marriage as an economy and marriage as a contract.
    0:18:15 And those are two—the minute you say that, people assume you don’t believe in or experience emotionally any of those other beautiful things you just said.
    0:18:29 And I think 90% of the appeal of my media work in this chapter of my life has been that people go, oh, a divorce lawyer, this is just going to be a guy talking about how, like, marriage is the worst thing ever.
    0:18:36 And in reality, I think what I’m saying is, look, this is amazing.
    0:18:38 This is wonderful.
    0:18:40 Why wouldn’t you fall in love?
    0:18:41 Why wouldn’t you have pair bonds?
    0:18:49 Why wouldn’t you consider locking in with another person and say, but my God, be honest with yourself about the risks involved.
    0:18:52 Be honest with yourself about the ways you can hedge that risk.
    0:19:03 And be honest with yourself about the contract and the economy because those are two things that I do not think that there is anything unromantic.
    0:19:06 I don’t think it takes away from the romance or the beauty of a thing.
    0:19:14 You know, I often say my favorite poem is a poem by Joseph Brodsky called A Song, and he wrote it when his wife passed away.
    0:19:17 And it’s a beautiful poem about love and loss.
    0:19:21 And the sort of refrain of the poem is, I wish you were here, dear.
    0:19:23 Like, I wish you were here, dear.
    0:19:23 I wish you were here.
    0:19:26 I wish we sat in the car and you sat near.
    0:19:27 It’s this beautiful poem.
    0:19:29 And one of the lines is, I wish you were here, dear.
    0:19:30 I wish you were here.
    0:19:33 I wish I knew no astronomy when stars appear.
    0:19:38 And I remember the first time I read that line thinking, like, oh, that’s so beautiful.
    0:19:42 Because once you know astronomy, like, there’s something less magical about the stars.
    0:19:43 Is there?
    0:19:44 I mean—
    0:19:44 Well, I don’t know.
    0:19:46 See, I don’t believe it has to be that way.
    0:19:47 Yeah, I don’t either.
    0:19:53 The great Richard Feynman, Nobel Prize winning physicist of, surely you’re joking, Mr. Feynman fame,
    0:20:00 said that understanding things at a reductionist level added to his sense of beauty with the physical world.
    0:20:01 And I think he can.
    0:20:05 I mean, that’s my sense of biology and physiology and what I know of psychology.
    0:20:08 Understanding the deeper layers adds to my sense of wonder.
    0:20:16 But I acknowledge and agree with you completely that for most people, when we think about all those things around marriage,
    0:20:22 the engagement, the wedding, the party, they all imply a ton of trust.
    0:20:24 I believe in you.
    0:20:25 I have faith in you.
    0:20:26 I’m going to merge lives with you.
    0:20:33 The word contract implies somewhere in there a lack of trust.
    0:20:36 I gave this little anecdote about something very different than marriage, right?
    0:20:40 A business contract with my business partner, where when they said, oh, you need to have a formal contract.
    0:20:41 Yeah.
    0:20:55 There is something about that that implies that things could go wrong or that there will be unforeseen circumstances that our verbal contract can’t anticipate and won’t allow us to navigate as business partners.
    0:21:01 And there’s, again, far and away different, arguably lesser example than a marriage contract, which is a much bigger life milestone.
    0:21:09 But I think what you’re – a point you’re making that I think I would slightly reframe is the following.
    0:21:15 There is a contract that binds you and your business partner.
    0:21:20 It was written by the legislature of the state in which you reside, okay?
    0:21:33 So do you want your relationship with this person governed by a contract you didn’t write, you had no input in, and the government can change without your consent or knowledge?
    0:21:41 And by the way, once they’ve changed it, you can’t say, oh, I don’t like the new rules, so I don’t want those to apply.
    0:21:41 Yeah, too late.
    0:21:42 Too late.
    0:21:45 So I tell everyone, you have a prenup.
    0:21:48 Every married person has a prenup.
    0:21:56 It was either written by the government or written by the two people who allegedly love each other more than the other 8 billion other options in the world.
    0:22:09 Now, if you ask me who is going to write a better contract, unnamed politicians who are subject to being elected and unelected or two people who have an abundance of optimism towards each other?
    0:22:10 Like there’s a rule set.
    0:22:12 There’s a rule set.
    0:22:19 And if you’re signing up for a rule set you wrote or co-authored with your partner, I think you’re in a better place than saying,
    0:22:20 let’s trust it to the government.
    0:22:21 I have to tell you, I’ve been to the DMV.
    0:22:26 I’ve never walked into the DMV and thought, these people should be in charge of everything.
    0:22:27 This is great.
    0:22:28 They have got it down.
    0:22:30 Like this is, they should be in charge of my marriage.
    0:22:33 They should be in charge of everything, my business dealings.
    0:22:38 They should be the ones who make the rules because they’re clearly so together in their thinking.
    0:22:39 I don’t feel that way.
    0:23:01 I feel like there is tremendous value in the level of trust and optimism that two people at the beginning of a venture, whether that venture is a marriage or whether that venture is a business venture, while we’re in this heady space of optimism, excitement, trust in each other, that’s the time to say, hey, we’re going to disagree about something at some point.
    0:23:02 It happens.
    0:23:03 It may be my fault.
    0:23:04 I say dumb shit.
    0:23:05 I say dumb shit all the time.
    0:23:07 So I’ll probably say something that’s going to upset you.
    0:23:10 So why would you learn how to fight while you’re in a fight?
    0:23:12 Like learn how to fight before you get in a fight.
    0:23:14 Learn the rule set.
    0:23:18 Have a discussion about, hey, if we disagree, what’s the best way?
    0:23:19 Do you need a minute?
    0:23:22 Do you need some time to yourself to like kind of cool off?
    0:23:24 Or are you the kind of person that’s like, no, we got to sort this out right now.
    0:23:25 I can’t go to bed angry.
    0:23:26 I’ll fester.
    0:23:34 So that to me, the right mindset is not faith and trust or contracts.
    0:23:37 I think that’s the totally wrong way to frame it.
    0:23:39 I think the right way to frame it is there’s a contract.
    0:23:43 There is a – whether you want to call it a contract or not, just like there’s an economy.
    0:23:46 An economy is an exchange of value.
    0:23:49 You know, this many bananas is worth this many coconuts.
    0:23:52 Because if it was – how many bananas will you trade me for bananas?
    0:23:53 That’s not an economy.
    0:23:55 Like we’re not bringing the same thing to the table.
    0:23:57 So it’s the same thing.
    0:24:01 Why is it a dirty word to say, hey, I’m marrying you.
    0:24:01 Why?
    0:24:02 What do I bring to your life?
    0:24:04 What do I mean to you?
    0:24:05 What value do I present to you?
    0:24:07 And what value do you present to me?
    0:24:09 So I know what to protect and preserve.
    0:24:15 You know, so I know like when that slips to start talking to you about it.
    0:24:20 And by the way, you can tell me and remind me when, hey, this thing I loved about you has changed.
    0:24:23 So like you talked about all these good things about your business partner.
    0:24:28 Like, oh, he has this vision or he has this patience or he has this organizational skill.
    0:24:30 And he makes up for some things that I don’t have.
    0:24:33 Like if you just said, oh, yeah, he has the exact same characteristics as me.
    0:24:34 It’s like, well, what do you need him then?
    0:24:36 You know, it’s many hands like work maybe.
    0:24:43 But ideally, you have the Steve Jobs and the Steve Wozniak, you know, either of whom without the other would have been kind of, eh.
    0:24:45 But together, it’s like lightning in a bottle.
    0:24:52 So I just genuinely think framing this slightly differently and saying there’s going to be a rule set.
    0:24:55 So we are the best people to write that rule set.
    0:24:57 That’s the way to look at it.
    0:25:08 Yeah, the way you are framing the contract of marriage and prenups, I love it because you’re putting a positive emotional lens on it, right?
    0:25:08 Sure.
    0:25:09 Two people who love each other.
    0:25:12 Therefore, let’s discuss the contract of love and marriage.
    0:25:13 Yeah.
    0:25:18 Two people that are committed to creating perhaps children together and a whole life together, creating together lineages.
    0:25:21 Let’s get a contract to really solidify this.
    0:25:22 Right, and what do we owe each other?
    0:25:23 You know, what do we owe each other?
    0:25:25 That’s a huge piece for me.
    0:25:27 It’s like, why are we doing this?
    0:25:29 You know, what is the problem we seek to solve?
    0:25:31 Or what is the value we owe to each other’s lives?
    0:25:33 That’s such a beautiful question.
    0:25:37 Like, and by the way, it’s an invitation to such an intimate discussion.
    0:25:41 Like, these are the things that you make me feel.
    0:25:45 Like, these are the things you do that make me feel that way.
    0:25:47 Like, you make me feel loved.
    0:25:48 Really, when?
    0:25:55 When you remember that tea that I like and you make sure that it’s here, you know?
    0:26:00 Or, oh, when you, you know, remembered it was my sister’s birthday and sent her a text and then sent me a screenshot.
    0:26:05 Like, these are these dumb little things that make us feel so loved and seen.
    0:26:12 So, why wouldn’t we embrace an opportunity to say to this person, by the way, like, do you know what I love about you?
    0:26:17 Do you know what you do that makes me feel so loved and makes me feel so in love with you?
    0:26:19 Because that’s a worthy conversation.
    0:26:25 The way you’re framing this, I think, is entirely different than how most people would envision a discussion about a prenup.
    0:26:26 I think that’s true, yeah.
    0:26:31 Which I really appreciate, and I know the audience appreciates, too, because you’re putting a different lens on things.
    0:26:35 I’m going to just put on my hat as a neuroscientist and biologist for a moment.
    0:26:43 I think there are certain words that people, for whatever reason, consider kind of a buzzkill.
    0:26:51 Like, we’re talking about pheromones and love and children and romance and sex and vacations and honeymoons and parties.
    0:26:53 And then someone says, contract.
    0:27:00 And somebody says, you know, finances, which, you know, maybe that turns certain people on.
    0:27:02 I guess people in the finance world probably turns them on.
    0:27:04 But do you get where I’m coming from?
    0:27:04 I do, yeah.
    0:27:07 I have to assume it’s a different brain circuit.
    0:27:09 I think it probably is.
    0:27:13 What you’re doing is you’re coming at this from a different perspective, which is part of the reason why you’re here.
    0:27:26 Is that you’re saying this discussion around a prenup contract can potentially shed more light into the nature of the bond and maybe even deepen the connection.
    0:27:27 Of course.
    0:27:32 And I will tell you, I’ve been doing prenuptial agreements for 25 years for clients.
    0:27:38 And I usually end up having a very good relationship with a person I do a prenup with because you’re talking a lot about their fears, their hopes.
    0:27:39 Is it one person or both?
    0:27:40 I wanted to ask this.
    0:27:41 One at a time.
    0:27:42 So each of you has your own lawyer.
    0:27:43 Each of you has your own attorney.
    0:27:48 You cannot, as a lawyer, represent both people because they have what’s called potentially adverse interests.
    0:27:55 And what if one person has substantially more income to hire a better lawyer, assuming that more money gets you a better lawyer.
    0:27:57 I have to assume, on average, it does.
    0:27:57 Yeah.
    0:27:59 Yeah, it’s unfortunate.
    0:28:01 It’s an unfortunate thing.
    0:28:07 I mean, one of the projects I’ve been involved in in the last couple of months is a website, trustedprenup.com.
    0:28:11 I worked with a couple of tech people to put together something that’s going to democratize prenups.
    0:28:18 Because up until now, prenups have been something that, you know, you spend $5,000, $10,000, $15,000 for a traditional lawyer to draft for you.
    0:28:22 And then your fiance brings it to an attorney to review.
    0:28:24 And then they want to make revisions.
    0:28:29 And it sort of walks into this adversarial process as opposed to sort of democratizing prenups.
    0:28:34 So what we are trying to do is sort of leverage technological innovation, AI.
    0:28:47 My hundreds of prenups I’ve drafted, we sort of fed into this to create the ability for you to go online and to create a prenup for like in the realm of $600, $700.
    0:28:48 Wow, that would be a game changer.
    0:28:49 It’s really an opportunity.
    0:28:58 But the purpose of it, as far as I’m concerned, is not just to democratize prenups, which I think we have to do, but to really reframe the way we look at it.
    0:29:03 Because people come in all the time and they’re like, well, I don’t know if I need a prenup because I’m not wealthy.
    0:29:06 And you say, well, you’re still going to have a rule set applied to your marriage.
    0:29:12 And actually, if you’re super wealthy, like most of my clients, they can afford to buy six more houses.
    0:29:18 Like you keep the house, I’ll buy another house down the street, and then we’ll buy another house for the kids, and then we’ll visit with them in that house.
    0:29:19 Like that’s actually called nesting.
    0:29:19 That’s a thing.
    0:29:21 That’s nesting?
    0:29:22 Nesting is when you each –
    0:29:24 When I was coming up, nesting meant something very different.
    0:29:29 Nesting now is when you each have your own home, and then one home is just where the kids live.
    0:29:32 And instead of doing a custodial rotation where the kids go back and forth between homes,
    0:29:39 The kids have a home, and the parent who has parenting access during that time is in the nest with the kids.
    0:29:41 When I was in college, nesting was when you got a tablecloth.
    0:29:42 Nice.
    0:29:43 Nice.
    0:29:51 Yeah, it’s a very – it’s a very – you know, the rich divorce in different ways than the normal general populace.
    0:29:55 And so that’s why we’re trying to say, look, bring this – democratize this.
    0:29:57 Bring this to – let people develop a rule set.
    0:30:00 Because especially, too, when you have scarcity.
    0:30:05 Like most people can’t afford to give away one half of everything they have and still have enough to function.
    0:30:07 Most people are going paycheck to paycheck.
    0:30:13 Most people are a couple of paychecks off from being in bankruptcy if things don’t go the right way.
    0:30:20 So when they divorce and now we have two electric bills and two internet bills and two – that’s something most people can’t do.
    0:30:25 So all the more reason for people to have a rule set that the two of them created.
    0:30:31 Again, when they were feeling positive and benevolent and optimistic towards each other and they were trying to protect you.
    0:30:38 Because to me personally, I don’t know how you can feel loved if you don’t feel safe.
    0:30:43 Like I think you have to feel safe, emotionally safe, physically safe.
    0:30:50 Like if you’re afraid of your partner emotionally, physically, how can you really feel loved?
    0:30:56 So to me, the prenup is an invitation to A, can we talk about hard things?
    0:31:00 Because I’ll tell you right now, when somebody says to me, well, I would do a prenup.
    0:31:03 I know it would be – but, you know, that’s just going to be a hard conversation.
    0:31:04 Don’t get married.
    0:31:09 If you can’t have hard conversations with a person, you have absolutely no business marrying them.
    0:31:11 I mean it’s good for me as a future income stream.
    0:31:14 But I’m telling you, I don’t think it’s a good idea.
    0:31:16 Like you’re going to have to talk about hard things.
    0:31:22 You know, and you’re going to have to have uncomfortable truths instead of comfortable lies to this person.
    0:31:28 You know, so I’m a big fan of early on in the process having those conversations.
    0:31:35 And again, it doesn’t all have to be like, you know, the conversation – like when you talk about your will, that’s a hard conversation.
    0:31:39 Like there’s no upside to being dead, you know, like other than being off social media.
    0:31:41 Like there’s no upside to it.
    0:31:47 So I understand why people are like it’s really hard to think about like if I die and if both of us die, what do we do with the kids?
    0:31:48 Like that’s a hard conversation.
    0:31:53 But look, if we break up, what would you need to feel safe?
    0:31:57 Like would you – you know, there’s a line from a Prince song, If I Was Your Girlfriend.
    0:32:01 And it is, would you run to me if somebody hurt you even if that somebody was me?
    0:32:09 And I think there’s something really sweet about saying to someone like, hey, if I hurt you, like how can I still have you feel safe?
    0:32:12 Like how can I have you still feel loved?
    0:32:24 Like I don’t think that, you know, when I meet someone and their exes are like they just have painted them as a villain, like with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
    0:32:26 And that’s frequent.
    0:32:28 You know, it’s frequent people do that.
    0:32:34 And to me that says a lot about like the core values of both of these people, you know.
    0:32:42 I think there’s real value in saying to someone early on like, hey, if I hurt you, what are you going to need from me?
    0:32:43 Like what do we need to be made whole?
    0:32:46 How can we both feel safe in this relationship?
    0:32:48 That’s what those discussions are about.
    0:32:53 Like throwing the words contracts, throwing the words economy in there, I understand.
    0:32:54 Like I think you’re totally right.
    0:32:56 There’s something about those words.
    0:32:58 But I think reality can be beautiful.
    0:33:03 I don’t think like – I don’t think you have to CGI everything for it to be perfect.
    0:33:04 I think it’s perfect.
    0:33:05 I think it’s already perfect.
    0:33:10 There’s something very perfect about how imperfect and flawed and frightened we are.
    0:33:16 And I think there’s something really beautiful about finding someone that you can be that with.
    0:33:20 And I don’t think I can learn everything I need to know about myself from myself.
    0:33:22 Like I think I need someone there.
    0:33:27 Ideally someone who really loves me and is cheering for me and sees my blind spots.
    0:33:32 And I think the conversation about a prenup, that’s what that conversation should be.
    0:33:33 It’s fantastic.
    0:33:47 I love the way you lean into life in all its light and shadows and say, okay, let’s accept all of that right off the bat and figure out what’s going to give this the highest probability of working.
    0:33:48 Well, it’s reality.
    0:33:55 I’ve never thought about prenups as a way to bolster the probability of the marriage working.
    0:34:04 Well, I’m telling you, and I got sidetracked as I tend to do, but I’ve done probably hundreds if not thousands of prenups over 25 years.
    0:34:09 I think there are maybe five people that I did their divorce after they had a prenup.
    0:34:10 Really?
    0:34:10 Yeah.
    0:34:12 I think people need to hear that again.
    0:34:13 I think that, yeah.
    0:34:19 So I’ve done hundreds, if not at least a thousand prenups in 25 years.
    0:34:21 I probably do two or three prenups a week.
    0:34:23 So I do a lot of prenups.
    0:34:26 Most of my colleagues do a lot of prenups.
    0:34:29 And I’ve never asked my colleagues this.
    0:34:33 But, you know, usually when you do a prenup, you have a good relationship with the person by the time it’s finished.
    0:34:34 It’s a transaction people feel good about.
    0:34:35 It’s a divorce.
    0:34:40 Sometimes you finish a divorce and the person is like, oh, my God, I never want to see you again because you remind me of this really dark chapter.
    0:34:43 But prenups, it’s usually a very friendly transaction.
    0:34:44 It’s positive.
    0:34:46 This is surprising to me.
    0:34:48 So people who prenup tend not to break up.
    0:34:49 Yes, that, Ron.
    0:34:49 Yes.
    0:34:53 I think many people will be very surprised to hear that.
    0:34:55 I think it’s self-selecting.
    0:35:02 I think the kind of people who can have a conversation that you need to have in order to discuss and negotiate.
    0:35:03 And, again, there’s another term.
    0:35:05 I don’t think it’s the right term, negotiate a prenup.
    0:35:08 Negotiate gives the impression it’s like you’re buying a car, you know.
    0:35:16 Like the kind of people who can have the conversations you need to have in order to have a prenuptial agreement I think are the kind of people that are going to be successfully married, period.
    0:35:19 Like there’s something about that.
    0:35:24 I’m not going to talk about a prenup because I don’t want to talk about the possibility that anything could ever go wrong with this thing.
    0:35:24 It’s perfect.
    0:35:25 It’s wonderful.
    0:35:25 It’s cake.
    0:35:26 It’s roses.
    0:35:28 It’s nothing but romance and sex, and it’s wonderful.
    0:35:29 Okay.
    0:35:35 You got no – listen, falling feels like flying for a little while, you know.
    0:35:38 And then you hit the ground, and it is waiting for you.
    0:35:52 And if the first time you ever think about what legal rights and obligations do I have is when you’re in my office, like you’re already screwed.
    0:35:53 You’re already screwed.
    0:35:58 You did nothing to prepare emotionally, financially, you know, nothing.
    0:36:07 So there’s something about the imagination, right, that people – if you’re just the kind of person who’s like, I don’t even want to talk.
    0:36:16 I actually met – I had a – they’ll remain nameless, but it was a neighbor, and I tried to – every once in a while I get it in my head that I’m going to, like, try to be a more social person.
    0:36:20 So I’m like, oh, I should, like, invite the neighbor over for a drink, you know, a couple.
    0:36:23 And they don’t live near me anymore, so I can get away with it now.
    0:36:27 But I invited these people over for a drink, and they came over, lovely people.
    0:36:31 But at some point she said, oh, you know, I don’t know how you do what you do.
    0:36:34 Like, we don’t allow the D word in our house.
    0:36:37 And I was like, what do you mean?
    0:36:40 She’s like, no, no, we’re just – you’re not allowed to say the word divorce in our house.
    0:36:42 And she said it, like, divorce, like she was saying Voldemort.
    0:36:44 You know, she was like, we don’t say the D word.
    0:36:48 And I was like – and I thought to myself, if only it was that easy.
    0:36:51 You know, by the way, got divorced, like, three years later.
    0:36:51 Really?
    0:36:51 Oh, yeah.
    0:36:52 Oh, yeah.
    0:36:52 A hundred percent.
    0:36:55 And, like, knock down, drag out, brutal.
    0:37:01 Both of them tried to call me and hire me, you know, and I will not represent people that I know
    0:37:02 in any capacity.
    0:37:08 And I just remember thinking, like, that is such a – what a delusion.
    0:37:12 Like, that I’m never going to say the word – like, what are you, my great-grandmother?
    0:37:14 Like, you have to say cancer like this.
    0:37:18 Because if you say cancer at, like, a speaking volume, suddenly, like, tumors will develop.
    0:37:21 Like, are you that superstitious?
    0:37:23 Like, do you believe – you know, do you believe in Chewbacca, too?
    0:37:25 Like, that’s crazy.
    0:37:27 I mean, superstition is a form of paranoia.
    0:37:27 Yeah.
    0:37:28 It’s a mild form of paranoia.
    0:37:29 Of course.
    0:37:30 But it’s a form of paranoia.
    0:37:30 Of course.
    0:37:31 Yeah.
    0:37:36 But I think it’s – you know, I say all the time that I think most of our attitudes about
    0:37:39 marriage have been just handed down.
    0:37:43 Like, it’s just – this is something that – like, marriage, you could be the most, like,
    0:37:47 modern, Bella Abzug feminist person.
    0:37:51 And a lot of women are like, oh, yeah, I still want my dad to walk me down the aisle and give
    0:37:53 me a – give you a way?
    0:37:54 Like, seriously?
    0:38:00 Like, you’re a C-suite executive at a software company and he’s going to trade you for, what,
    0:38:01 goats?
    0:38:05 Like, this is going to be – because you are your father’s property and now you will be the
    0:38:09 property and he will give you away to your husband and you’ll now be his property.
    0:38:11 That’s where that tradition comes from, gang.
    0:38:16 What do you think the psychological underpinnings of what you’re describing are about?
    0:38:21 Is it some sort of internal validation of worth, external validation of worth?
    0:38:25 I mean, none of it computes for me when I look at – you know, like you said, like, let’s
    0:38:28 say – these are extreme examples, but C-suite female executive.
    0:38:28 Yeah.
    0:38:30 Let’s make – or a founder also.
    0:38:30 Sure.
    0:38:31 These exist.
    0:38:31 I’m from the Bay Area.
    0:38:32 There are plenty of them.
    0:38:32 I represent a few of them.
    0:38:33 Yeah.
    0:38:33 Yeah.
    0:38:39 And typically, they will take their soon-to-be husband’s last name.
    0:38:40 Interesting.
    0:38:41 Not always.
    0:38:41 100%.
    0:38:46 That’s far more common than men taking their wife’s last name.
    0:38:46 Oh, yeah.
    0:38:46 Far more.
    0:38:48 Actually, I can’t even think of a single instance.
    0:38:49 Some – I’ve had a few that hyphenate.
    0:38:50 That’s a new thing.
    0:38:52 Oh, evolutionary biologists do that.
    0:38:53 It used to be that all the evolutionary biologists do that.
    0:38:55 Most give the kids the husband’s name.
    0:38:58 Most give the kids the husband’s name.
    0:39:01 And, again, I don’t know if that’s a male thing that, like, men are like, that’s my kid.
    0:39:02 They’re going to have my name.
    0:39:03 I really don’t know.
    0:39:06 But, yeah, there’s – a lot of the feminism gets thrown out the window.
    0:39:10 Another one is that in divorces – I’ve observed this.
    0:39:11 I don’t have statistics on this.
    0:39:18 But women will keep their ex-husband’s last name because what I was told is they want to
    0:39:20 have the same last name as their kids.
    0:39:20 That’s pretty common.
    0:39:22 Which is understandable.
    0:39:22 Yeah.
    0:39:24 But, of course, the kids could switch last names.
    0:39:29 It eliminates a certain level of confusion because at school, like, to say, you know, like, this
    0:39:30 is my name.
    0:39:31 The kid’s name is different.
    0:39:32 So that piece I get.
    0:39:33 I absolutely get.
    0:39:39 But I also – and by the way, I have clients – because you don’t have to change your name
    0:39:41 back, but you have the right to.
    0:39:44 And I have male clients who, like, want their name back.
    0:39:48 Like, I want her to no longer be allowed to use that name.
    0:39:48 Are you serious?
    0:39:49 And I have to explain to them, you’re –
    0:39:50 That’s the kind of funny thing.
    0:39:52 You can’t force her to not have your name.
    0:39:54 He’s like, well, that’s my name.
    0:39:55 And I’m like, you understand?
    0:39:58 I can change – as long as you’re not doing it for the intent of defrauding creditors,
    0:40:01 anyone can – I can change my name to Andrew Huberman tomorrow if I want to.
    0:40:02 Yeah.
    0:40:03 As long as I’m not doing it to defraud my creditors.
    0:40:05 You’ll get a lot more problems than it’s worth.
    0:40:06 You’ll be the life.
    0:40:07 I’ll be Mrs. Huberman.
    0:40:08 That’s very fun.
    0:40:08 It’s very fun.
    0:40:09 Oh, my goodness.
    0:40:13 No, you’d be Andrew Huberman, and that comes with a certain number of liabilities as well.
    0:40:14 Yeah, that sounds exhausting.
    0:40:15 I don’t think I can handle it.
    0:40:16 It’s full-time fun.
    0:40:17 I can’t do that.
    0:40:18 I can’t bench that much either.
    0:40:18 That’s right.
    0:40:19 Full-time fun.
    0:40:20 No, just kidding.
    0:40:25 In all seriousness, wow, people have asked for their name back.
    0:40:28 Yeah, they want her prohibited from having her name.
    0:40:30 And even though the kids have that name.
    0:40:31 But again, that’s that anger thing.
    0:40:35 Like, that’s just a pure expression of anger, and I get it.
    0:40:40 You know, a lot of what I do is sort of helping people get to the core of, like, what are they
    0:40:43 really upset about, and that’s a lot of what my job is.
    0:40:45 Like, my undergraduate degree was in psychology.
    0:40:51 My master’s was in cultural anthropology, and specifically in the study of death and dying.
    0:40:55 And then my law degree, I wanted to be a divorce lawyer as soon as I started law school.
    0:41:00 And I think I used the psych degree as much as I used the law degree, because it’s so much
    0:41:04 of what I do is just dealing with people when they’re in this very heightened emotional state.
    0:41:09 Like, I’m a fan of faith, but just not blind faith.
    0:41:10 Like, I’m a fan of fairy tales.
    0:41:14 If the fairy tales inspire something in you, that’s incredible.
    0:41:19 Like, if you say to me, you know, Jim, I love Star Wars.
    0:41:25 Like, the struggle of the Jedi against the Empire, like, it inspires me to want to be a disciplined
    0:41:30 person and to fight for good and to, you know, not be afraid of evil and to know, like, that’s
    0:41:31 a beautiful story.
    0:41:35 If you try to tell me Wookiees are real, though, like, we’ve got a problem, man.
    0:41:36 You got to get checked out.
    0:41:36 Like, that’s not okay.
    0:41:38 That’s not true.
    0:41:41 So, the divorce rate’s 56%.
    0:41:45 So, 56% of the time, this technology fails.
    0:41:45 56.
    0:41:46 56.
    0:41:47 Yeah.
    0:41:48 Changes every year.
    0:41:50 But 56 is the divorce rate currently.
    0:41:50 Okay.
    0:41:53 So, 56% of marriages end in divorce.
    0:41:53 Now.
    0:41:55 Is that true, excuse me, in Europe as well?
    0:41:57 And South America as well?
    0:41:58 And Australia as well?
    0:42:00 Every country, the statistics are different.
    0:42:05 There are, the United States does not have, you can actually look this up online, there’s
    0:42:07 a great, there’s like a running tally that’s kept.
    0:42:13 But the highest divorce rates are in, I believe, Italy is currently winning that race.
    0:42:18 Ireland was at the bottom because basically divorce was not possible in Ireland for an extended
    0:42:18 period of time.
    0:42:24 Countries that have a very strong underlying religious narrative, like Sharia law and things
    0:42:27 like that, obviously have a very low divorce rate.
    0:42:36 But it varies in terms of, but countries that are, I don’t want to say, you know, like very
    0:42:43 modern, you know, where there’s been a proliferation of social media, where there is a open information
    0:42:47 environment so people can compare themselves to other people constantly.
    0:42:48 Not North Korea.
    0:42:50 Not North Korea.
    0:42:50 Great example.
    0:42:51 Yes.
    0:42:56 That there is a sense of, because actually even North Korea like has an underlying religious
    0:42:57 narrative.
    0:43:00 It’s just that they’ve decided that they’re, or they’ve been told their leader is a god,
    0:43:01 you know?
    0:43:10 So I think when you don’t have a core foundational religious narrative that prohibits divorce as
    0:43:16 part of its structure, then you’re left to people’s desires to some degree and the cultural
    0:43:18 foundations of it and tradition, right?
    0:43:22 And tradition for many, many years, tradition was you stay married even if you’re unhappy.
    0:43:28 And then tradition in the 1970s and 1980s started turning into your happiness is more important
    0:43:30 than the institution of marriage.
    0:43:34 So if you’re unhappy, you might need to leave your marriage and get divorced.
    0:43:37 And that’s when the divorce rate started to spike, right?
    0:43:39 So, and I think there’s some value to that.
    0:43:45 Like I, you know, tradition is in some ways like the wisdom of the people before us and
    0:43:47 they saw things we might not see.
    0:43:50 And to some degree, tradition is peer pressure exerted by dead people.
    0:43:58 So I think our fascination with marriage as this, I found my soulmate and now we’re not
    0:44:03 even going to think about the possibility of us ending, even though fully 56% of the time,
    0:44:04 the thing’s going to end.
    0:44:11 Like, that’s the part I can’t wrap my head around is, and again, look at the numbers there.
    0:44:19 Like, let’s assume conservatively that another 10% stay together for the kids.
    0:44:23 Because the 56% is just the ones who actually said, this is so bad, we’re getting lawyers
    0:44:24 and we’re ending this thing.
    0:44:28 Like, how many people stay together for the kids or religious reasons or because they don’t
    0:44:29 want to give away half their shit?
    0:44:32 Like, that’s got to be a big number.
    0:44:34 I mean, conservative 10%, I think it’s more than that.
    0:44:34 20%?
    0:44:35 Definitely more.
    0:44:36 And these are first marriages?
    0:44:43 First marriages, the statistics for each subsequent marriage, the divorce rate gets much higher.
    0:44:44 So like by the time-
    0:44:44 Really?
    0:44:48 Second marriage is higher than first marriage, third marriage is much higher.
    0:44:48 Interesting.
    0:44:51 And then once you get past three, it’s like you’re, you know.
    0:44:57 All the divorced people in my family remarried and have been in those second marriages very
    0:44:58 long periods of time.
    0:44:59 I know a lot of very happy second married people.
    0:45:01 And still together, very happy.
    0:45:01 Yes.
    0:45:07 And I think there’s value to that because I do think as a divorced person, you learn a
    0:45:09 lot about yourself through the process of divorce.
    0:45:14 You learn a lot about what you don’t want to do again in a relationship and what didn’t
    0:45:15 work for you.
    0:45:19 So I don’t do anything perfectly the first time I do it.
    0:45:23 So I think that there’s value in sort of giving something a try.
    0:45:26 Like you don’t learn how to swim by reading books about swimming.
    0:45:27 You learn how to swim in the pool.
    0:45:32 So that’s why I’m like, I’m a fan of marriage, even though the divorce rate is very high.
    0:45:34 It’s clearly a very risky technology.
    0:45:37 One could argue it’s a reckless thing to do.
    0:45:44 You know, that, I mean, the legal definition of negligence is a failure to perceive a substantial
    0:45:47 and unjustifiable risk of serious harm, okay?
    0:45:55 Recklessness legally is a conscious disregard for a substantial and unjustifiable risk of serious
    0:45:55 harm, okay?
    0:46:05 So if you know something ends in heartbreak and division of assets and fighting that requires
    0:46:13 attorneys 56% of the time, and you don’t make any plan for that in advance, I would argue
    0:46:14 that’s reckless.
    0:46:18 You’re consciously disregarding a substantial risk of harm, period.
    0:46:21 Yeah, and if there’s kids, it brings them into the bomb blast.
    0:46:23 It’s a different kind of, yeah, an even higher level, yeah.
    0:46:29 Do you happen to know the numbers or the rough numbers on percentage of first marriages with
    0:46:33 kids that last, whether or not they’re happy or not?
    0:46:34 I don’t.
    0:46:35 I don’t know that delineation.
    0:46:40 I mean, I know that these statistics are fairly closely tracked, so you can find them out online
    0:46:42 pretty easily because they’re tracked by the government.
    0:46:47 Every time we do a divorce, we have to file what’s called a Certificate of the Solution
    0:46:52 of Marriage, and that certificate includes the grade level, the highest grade level each
    0:46:57 person completed, whether there are children, how many children, the ages of the children,
    0:47:02 and the whole purpose of that document is to compile demographic information.
    0:47:08 So the government for many, many years has been monitoring this and looking at, you know,
    0:47:09 okay, what are those numbers?
    0:47:11 Those numbers are not well publicized.
    0:47:16 I think partly because the wedding industrial complex does not want people getting involved
    0:47:18 in that conversation.
    0:47:23 Like, you don’t want people to really look at the truth of things because it takes away
    0:47:24 from the fantasy of things.
    0:47:31 But see, again, I think that’s a framing issue because to me, I think, you know, the stars
    0:47:33 are still beautiful even if you know astronomy.
    0:47:38 Like, I think, if anything, I actually think, and maybe this is just the way that I look at things,
    0:47:46 the fact that love is loaned and not permanently gifted makes it more beautiful.
    0:47:52 Like, the fact that I’m going to die for sure makes my life more beautiful.
    0:47:56 There’s a finite number of sunsets I’m going to see.
    0:47:57 There’s a number.
    0:47:58 I don’t know it yet.
    0:48:00 It might be five.
    0:48:01 It might be 500.
    0:48:03 But there’s a number, right?
    0:48:08 And so when you’re with someone, that marriage is going to end.
    0:48:09 Every marriage ends.
    0:48:12 It ends in death or in divorce.
    0:48:14 It’s one of the only things in the world that you go, I hope this ends in death.
    0:48:18 Like, if you said to someone at their wedding, like, man, I really hope your marriage ends
    0:48:20 in death, they would be like, what is wrong with that guy?
    0:48:23 But it’s true, because all marriages end, they end in death or divorce.
    0:48:24 I hope that yours ends in death.
    0:48:28 But you, I don’t think that makes it less beautiful.
    0:48:29 I think it makes it more beautiful.
    0:48:35 That every day this person wakes up and decides to continue to be your spouse and to continue
    0:48:40 to be your partner and ideally your cheerleader and your, you know, your fan, you know.
    0:48:47 And to me, the fact that you don’t own this person, that they have free will, they have
    0:48:54 autonomy and agency, and they choose you, not just on one day where you put on nice clothes
    0:48:59 and played good music and everybody got drunk, which is there’s value in that and the memory
    0:49:04 of that and the photos of that and a reminder, but like the fact that they every day get up
    0:49:06 and continue to choose to be with you like that.
    0:49:11 And if you said to me that the reason why they stay with you is they don’t want to get
    0:49:16 divorced, like that’s a terrible reason, you know.
    0:49:19 I was a smoker many, many years ago.
    0:49:22 You know, people used to say like, oh, you got to quit smoking, you know, it takes, it’s
    0:49:23 going to take 10 years off your life.
    0:49:27 And I’m like, right, like the last 10, like the adult diaper wearing years, I don’t want
    0:49:28 them anyway.
    0:49:30 Like you’ve met a 90 year old, like I don’t want to be 90.
    0:49:31 It’s fine.
    0:49:32 Like you’re taking them off the tail end.
    0:49:38 Once I made the connection between I feel better, I taste food better, I can run further
    0:49:43 and faster, then it made sense to me because now there’s something real and tangible in
    0:49:44 the present.
    0:49:46 There’s something that has value.
    0:49:47 So it’s the same.
    0:49:48 I think it’s the same thing with marriage.
    0:49:52 It’s the same thing with prenups, which is let’s not talk about what is this going to give
    0:49:56 us on the back end or what are we going to lose if we don’t have this on the back end.
    0:50:00 Let’s talk about what can this do for us in the present?
    0:50:06 What can this conversation do for us in the present about understanding what we mean to
    0:50:07 each other and what we owe to each other?
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    0:53:56 I’m beginning to adopt a mindset around contracts that they are a tool to embrace reality, both
    0:53:59 potential negatives, but also to enrich the positives.
    0:54:00 And imagination.
    0:54:02 I think imagination, too.
    0:54:07 I think that marriage is about an imagined future, right?
    0:54:09 Like, it’s about, we’re going to build this thing.
    0:54:10 What’s it look like?
    0:54:14 Like, when you and your business partner sat down together, you had an imagination together.
    0:54:16 Like, you weren’t just like, okay, what are we going to do today?
    0:54:17 What are we building?
    0:54:20 What do we want it to be, you know?
    0:54:22 And by the way, it never ends up being what you thought it would be.
    0:54:25 It turns into something completely different.
    0:54:26 There was no premonition.
    0:54:29 I mean, that’s a very different scenario, but no premonition.
    0:54:30 But I don’t think it’s really even that different.
    0:54:34 I think that, you know, if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.
    0:54:38 Like, I think the best thing is this vague idea of like, what do we want to do?
    0:54:39 I don’t know.
    0:54:41 We want to do something exciting together.
    0:54:42 I don’t know what exactly what it’s going to look like.
    0:54:46 I think this is the loose structure, but I don’t know exactly what it is.
    0:54:47 Like, you know, you and I are friends.
    0:54:49 Like, we didn’t talk about what we’re going to talk about today.
    0:54:50 Right.
    0:54:53 You know, we talked a dozen times, but we didn’t go, well, say, so what should we talk about?
    0:54:54 Why?
    0:54:56 Because I think if we did, it wouldn’t be authentic.
    0:55:00 Like, there’s something so much better about like, yeah, we want to have a good conversation.
    0:55:02 Something of value.
    0:55:03 Something we’ll both enjoy.
    0:55:05 And then maybe the people watching would enjoy, you know?
    0:55:07 So that’s so much better.
    0:55:15 And I think that’s what you’re doing with a prenup or with a marriage is you’re imagining a future together.
    0:55:17 Okay, what does it look like?
    0:55:17 Tell me.
    0:55:19 So it’s not just about the rule outs.
    0:55:22 Like, I think about, you know, certain guidelines.
    0:55:26 Like, in the octagon, it’s, you know, no groin shots.
    0:55:26 Yeah.
    0:55:28 You know, no thumbing eyes.
    0:55:32 So there’s all the, this is not going to happen type stuff.
    0:55:32 Right.
    0:55:33 And there’s reasons for each of those rules.
    0:55:36 No matter what, X, Y, and Z are off the table.
    0:55:36 Right.
    0:55:37 That makes people feel safe.
    0:55:38 Right.
    0:55:38 Right.
    0:55:41 Because you want to know that certain very dangerous things are off the table.
    0:55:41 Right.
    0:55:47 But what you’re talking about are a number of opt-ins through contracts and prenups.
    0:55:47 Sure.
    0:55:49 And also, also markers.
    0:55:52 Like, markers of, look, you spend so much time.
    0:56:00 One of the reasons I consume so much of what you put out there is I like to know the markers before I have the problem.
    0:56:04 Like, I like to know, like, what are the things, what are the, you know, measure what matters.
    0:56:05 Right.
    0:56:10 Like, I want to look at what, what has changed and then what can I do to adjust at that point?
    0:56:13 And I think relationships, it’s the same thing.
    0:56:15 Like, by the time you’re in my office, it’s too late.
    0:56:26 Like, it is so much harder to take a broken relationship and try to make it good again than it is to take a good relationship and keep it good and keep it strong.
    0:56:33 Like, it’s so much harder to, you know, gain a bunch of weight and then try to lose all of it than it is to maintain a healthy body mass.
    0:56:34 Like, it’s just easier.
    0:56:46 So I think the same concept applies, which is be honest with yourself about what it is we’re moving towards and what it is we’re building and how do we stay at this place.
    0:56:50 I don’t like to just have, it’s not just about the opt-outs.
    0:56:55 Like, okay, if we’re split up, we’re not going to have to hire lawyers and we’re not going to have to go through the court system.
    0:56:56 We’re going to know what the rules are.
    0:56:57 There’s value to that.
    0:57:03 But there’s also tremendous value to the conversation about what do we owe each other?
    0:57:05 What are we bringing to this relationship?
    0:57:17 Because that’s where the economy piece of it comes in, which is, you know, and this is the part where it’s so laden with gender stuff and it’s laden that no one wants to talk about it or it doesn’t feel safe to talk about it or to talk about it honestly.
    0:57:18 Hence, 56%.
    0:57:20 Yeah, I think so.
    0:57:26 I think we are poorer for that dishonesty because I think I understand it’s an uncomfortable truth.
    0:57:34 I understand that it’s difficult to say, like, yeah, I don’t know, there’s something in me that wants it this way.
    0:57:35 Like, I don’t know what it is.
    0:57:37 I don’t know if it’s biology.
    0:57:38 I don’t know if it’s hormones.
    0:57:38 I don’t know.
    0:57:40 But, like, this is important to me.
    0:57:45 Like, yeah, I want to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with you, but we want different things sexually.
    0:57:46 Like, I want frequency.
    0:57:48 You want, you know, you want intensity.
    0:57:49 Like, whatever it might be.
    0:57:53 Like, the male sex drive, the female sex drive, like, they’re not the same.
    0:57:55 Hormonally, they’re not the same.
    0:58:05 So, is it okay to have a conversation about, hey, if we’re marrying each other, we have a sexual relationship usually.
    0:58:10 And so, where it’s at right now is good, I’d imagine.
    0:58:13 So, how do we know when we’re slipping off baseline?
    0:58:19 And how do we know where – and by the way, how do we know where – when we slip off baseline, it’s not a sign of disaster, right?
    0:58:29 Like, if I’m eight years old and my eyesight starts to get really bad, it’s probably more alarming than if I’m 52 and now I need reading glasses.
    0:58:31 Like, these are more normal things, right?
    0:58:38 So, why not say, like, hey, I’m not saying the amount of sex we’re having when we’re dating or engaged is the baseline.
    0:58:41 And if we ever slip off of that, it means that the relationship’s in trouble.
    0:58:43 That’s an insane statement.
    0:58:47 So, do prenups include discussions or agreements about sex, money, et cetera?
    0:58:47 They can.
    0:58:48 Well, money for sure.
    0:58:50 Sex, they can.
    0:59:16 And I think the overall conversation that should surround prenups and the reason why I think people who get prenups, in my observation, are less likely to get divorced, is at the front of this thing, you are having conversations about what do we owe each other, what do we expect from each other, what is meaningful to us about each other, what value do you bring to my life?
    0:59:19 Like, why can we do that in any other relationship?
    0:59:25 Like, if right now, you as my friend, someone said, why do you like Andrew Huberman as a friend?
    0:59:27 I could run off a list of things.
    0:59:28 He’s super interesting.
    0:59:29 He’s super interested.
    0:59:31 He knows a lot of cool workout stuff.
    0:59:33 He’s a lot of fun to hang out with.
    0:59:35 He eats the same way that I do, like, kind of boring.
    0:59:37 He doesn’t drink just like me so we can hang out.
    0:59:39 I don’t feel weird because I’m not drinking because he’s not either.
    0:59:41 Like, there’s a whole list of stuff I could say.
    0:59:43 I’d say the exact same things about you.
    0:59:43 There you go.
    0:59:45 Except you know a bunch of stuff I don’t know in addition to that.
    0:59:46 But, you know, we’re interested.
    0:59:47 We’re interesting.
    0:59:49 Our friendship makes sense, right?
    0:59:51 So, why?
    0:59:55 And by the way, isn’t it lovely to hear what someone likes about you?
    0:59:58 Like, I think it’s one of the nicest things in the world when somebody says, you know what
    0:59:59 I like about you, Jim?
    1:00:00 I’m all ears.
    1:00:00 Tell me, you know?
    1:00:05 Or if someone who I love and trust and know, like, I know you’re my friend.
    1:00:09 So, if you called me and you said, you know, Jim, can I give you some constructive feedback?
    1:00:12 Like, something I think you’re doing that’s getting in your own way?
    1:00:13 Dude, I would be all ears.
    1:00:14 I would be all ears.
    1:00:15 I would want to hear that.
    1:00:16 You might have made that call.
    1:00:17 You’ve made that call to me a couple of times.
    1:00:18 Yeah, it’s attorney-client privilege.
    1:00:19 I can’t bring it up.
    1:00:22 But yeah, I mean, I think there’s something.
    1:00:24 That’s an event in a couple’s life, right?
    1:00:32 So, why in this romantic context would you squander the opportunity to have that conversation?
    1:00:35 Here’s what you bring to my life.
    1:00:36 Here’s how you make me feel.
    1:00:38 Here’s when I feel the most loved.
    1:00:41 Here’s when I feel not as loved by you.
    1:00:46 I think it’s because when people hear the word prenup, they’re thinking ending.
    1:00:48 It’s about the ending.
    1:00:54 It’s the contract that is going to divide the resources so we don’t have to give a certain amount to the lawyers.
    1:00:55 Everyone’s going to feel safe.
    1:00:58 You don’t have to worry that you’re going to end up with whatever, less than or more than this amount.
    1:01:00 I mean, there is value to that.
    1:01:01 Those are all valuable things.
    1:01:09 I don’t think, I could be wrong, but I don’t think most people associate the word prenup with anything about the success of the marriage,
    1:01:11 which is probably why so few people get them.
    1:01:13 Is there any idea roughly what percentage of marriages?
    1:01:17 No, because what’s amazing about a prenup is a prenup is not filed anywhere.
    1:01:22 It’s just you have one in your safe, the lawyer has one in their safe, it’s a contract.
    1:01:24 And is it as binding as anything else?
    1:01:24 Oh, yeah.
    1:01:27 Because we know nowadays things like NDAs are kind of fluid.
    1:01:32 No, NDAs are fluid because NDAs are a relatively new construct and they haven’t really been tested.
    1:01:40 Just like non-competes, there was a period of time where non-competes were like they were overly broad and they weren’t worth the paper they were printed on and then people tried to tailor them.
    1:01:50 And now, you know, non-competes that are specific as to geography and duration, like, you know, the court system, the living law figures out, okay, here’s how we have to tweak it.
    1:01:51 Prenups, the same thing happened.
    1:01:54 There was a lot of prenups back in the day used to get tossed out.
    1:02:02 But for the 25 years I’ve been practicing, trust me, I’ve had a couple of prenups I’ve tried to set aside and I’ve been unsuccessful and I’m a good lawyer.
    1:02:06 But it’s very hard to set aside a properly drafted prenup, you know.
    1:02:14 And I think that that’s a good thing because, again, the framing needs to change, which is everyone has a prenup.
    1:02:24 It’s either written by the government and subject to change by the government without notice to you and then you can’t opt out of the new rule set, or it’s one that you and your partner draft together.
    1:02:35 I want to return to prenups and unfortunately to divorce, but I’d like to talk about love and the contracts, both emotional and practical around love a bit more.
    1:02:50 Do you think people are completely honest with themselves and with the other person when they decide to get married or simply to become quote-unquote life partners or to just become partners?
    1:03:02 I mean, do you think that part of the allure of the dopamine, oxytocin, pheromone, social cloud, excuse me, and all that goes with it?
    1:03:18 I mean, what’s more fun than leaving the bedroom with someone you’re totally crazy about, showering up and heading out, and going to see friends, and you’re happy, they’re happy, and then going back home again, repeat?
    1:03:30 Like, there are very few things that are as from the other side of the fence to see a couple that’s really happy and in love, and you don’t need to know or care about what they do in private.
    1:03:33 You just, you can feel how much they adore one another.
    1:03:34 You feel the vibe off of them.
    1:03:36 Yeah, I mean, I think there’s a pheromone effect of that.
    1:03:41 I mean, there’s really serious primate biology that supports all that that we don’t even have to discuss.
    1:03:44 We can just kind of like put that one on the shelf and everyone knows what we’re talking about.
    1:03:49 But, you know, underneath there is, like you said, our needs.
    1:03:53 Needs that in the future somebody might not feel are being met.
    1:03:54 Sure.
    1:03:54 And that sort of thing.
    1:03:59 It’s hard to anticipate one’s needs, too, especially if it’s a first relationship or a third relationship.
    1:03:59 Sure.
    1:04:05 You know, you need some experience, and sometimes, you know, you meet the right person at 18, and that’s a beautiful thing.
    1:04:05 Oh, yeah.
    1:04:13 So to what extent do you think people understand how to understand their own needs and let alone express them?
    1:04:13 Yeah.
    1:04:17 I think I’ve always said that the most dangerous lives are the lies we tell ourselves.
    1:04:26 And I say in my book that all marriage problems stem from two underlying problems.
    1:04:33 We don’t know what we want, and we don’t know how to express what we want, even if we know what we want.
    1:04:34 We don’t know how to express it to our partner.
    1:04:40 And I think those are two really different but deeply correlated problems.
    1:04:54 I think one of the great mistakes we make is I think we fall in love very fast in what we call love, right?
    1:05:05 I’m fuzzy on the whole love concept because a lot of what’s described as love is like something that, you know, was designed in the 1950s to sell shampoo.
    1:05:12 Like I don’t – this idea of like you meet this one person, and then that person, you’re going to be your soulmate.
    1:05:16 Like whoever created the term soulmate, I owe them a tremendous amount of money.
    1:05:20 Well, in some religions, there’s actually a word for the God-designated choice.
    1:05:22 Yeah, like my bashert, my fate, right?
    1:05:26 The God-given choice, a singular person that is going to meet that need.
    1:05:45 But even if you were to say, okay, this person has been selected by an omnipotent creator deity, that’s at least more reasonable than saying I’ve met this one person, and they are now going to be the best friend, best co-parent, best roommate, best travel partner, best sexual partner, best confidant, best financial partner.
    1:05:47 Wait, all of those?
    1:05:53 Like they’re going to check all of those – and they happen to live three miles from you?
    1:05:57 Like and go to the same coffee shop in a world of 8 billion people?
    1:05:58 Like what are the odds?
    1:06:01 Like I would definitely believe in God if that’s the reality.
    1:06:03 But the truth is I don’t think it’s like that.
    1:06:07 I think it’s a combination of pheromones and it’s a combination of dopamine.
    1:06:09 And look, like I get it.
    1:06:10 Like I get it.
    1:06:10 I get it.
    1:06:19 But why do we have to look at it like those early days of a relationship where you – look, we’ve both been in love.
    1:06:28 We’ve both been in a romantic relationship where just the person brushes up next to you or the scent of them hits you and it’s like an electric shock through you.
    1:06:29 It’s magic.
    1:06:39 It’s just the greatest drug in the world and you – but if that stayed forever, you would never get anything done.
    1:06:45 Like civilization would perish because we would all just want to sit there smelling someone’s hair all day.
    1:06:48 Like we would just want to be around each other all day.
    1:06:54 And by the way, not just how we feel about them, how they make us feel about ourselves.
    1:06:57 Like why do you think affairs are so intoxicating?
    1:07:02 Because you’ve been in this relationship with this person and they don’t even see you anymore and you don’t even see them anymore.
    1:07:05 And then you meet this other person and they’re like, you’re fascinating.
    1:07:06 You’re brilliant.
    1:07:07 You’re handsome.
    1:07:11 And all of a sudden you start to feel brilliant and handsome again.
    1:07:12 Why?
    1:07:14 Because you observed, right?
    1:07:19 Like you’re seeing yourself through the lens of this person’s gaze, you know?
    1:07:30 Yeah, Esther Perel, when she was sitting in the same seat you’re sitting in now, said that 90% of affairs people describe as – they did them – they had those affairs because they made them feel, quote-unquote, alive.
    1:07:30 Yeah.
    1:07:36 There was an aliveness that was in stark contrast to the deadness or lack of aliveness in the relationship.
    1:07:37 Well, there’s a –
    1:07:38 And it’s not a justification.
    1:07:43 She was – we were discussing the – you know, so what is the underlying thing that they’re seeking?
    1:07:44 Is it sex?
    1:07:45 Yeah.
    1:07:45 Is it adventure?
    1:07:46 And in some cases it might be –
    1:07:55 Well, her book, Redefining Infidelity, like all of her writing – she and I were on a panel together some years ago and I mean I think she’s a brilliant, brilliant mind.
    1:08:02 And she has an insight into the nature of infidelity and human relationships, romantic relationships.
    1:08:05 But again, she’s saying the quiet part out loud.
    1:08:07 And again, I don’t think she’s not a romantic.
    1:08:10 I don’t think that she doesn’t believe in love.
    1:08:12 Like when someone says to me, well, do you believe in love?
    1:08:14 It’s like – it’s like you believe in oxygen.
    1:08:15 Like it’s all around me.
    1:08:17 Like love’s all around me.
    1:08:17 It’s everywhere.
    1:08:22 I guess the question is do you believe in the potential permanence of romance and love?
    1:08:23 Yes.
    1:08:23 Yes.
    1:08:24 Because –
    1:08:25 With the same person.
    1:08:25 Yes.
    1:08:27 Because I’ve seen it just like you have.
    1:08:31 It’s just – it’s a rare and special thing.
    1:08:39 You know, one of the things I’ve said before and I get pilloried for it every time I say it because people want to misinterpret it intentionally is that marriage is like the lottery.
    1:08:42 You are probably not going to win.
    1:08:47 But if you win, what you win is so good that you might as well buy a ticket.
    1:08:49 Like give it a try.
    1:08:50 Like give it a shot.
    1:08:54 Again, with a prenup, then your downside is controlled to some degree.
    1:09:00 But I am – now people take that quote and go, oh, well, so you’re saying that it’s random?
    1:09:04 Like you can’t do anything to increase your chances of winning the lottery of them buying more tickets.
    1:09:06 Like marriage is – it’s a practice.
    1:09:07 It’s work.
    1:09:09 And when people say to me like, well, marriage is hard work.
    1:09:12 Marriage is hard – like I don’t know what you’re talking about.
    1:09:15 I don’t know that love has to be hard work.
    1:09:24 Like there’s so much that we put on love that – romantic love that just doesn’t make sense as far as I’m concerned by observable experience.
    1:09:28 If you watch people who are happily married, they’re cheering for each other.
    1:09:29 They enjoy each other’s company.
    1:09:37 But again, are they dealing with those early days intoxication to the point where if the other person starts speaking, they lose their train of thought?
    1:09:44 No, because they’re building a life and a family and an ecosystem in the home together and, you know, they have to divide responsibilities.
    1:09:49 But that – those two things do not have to be incompatible with each other.
    1:10:01 But you cannot throw into that equation ignorance and willful blindness to the reality of the impermanence of love and the fragility of love.
    1:10:06 Like my career is about the fragility of love.
    1:10:14 Why can’t we talk about this fragile thing and treat it like you treat a fragile thing?
    1:10:17 Like why not treat love like what it is?
    1:10:24 It’s something that’s so amazing, powerful, and beautiful that it takes – sucks the reason right out of our heads.
    1:10:29 And all you want to do is be with this person and talk in and just – what do you want to do tonight?
    1:10:37 Do you want to go to the greatest concert in the greatest venue and sit in the front row or just sit with this person and like watch something on Netflix and eat some popcorn?
    1:10:38 Yep, I’ll take that.
    1:10:40 I’ll take that because it’s the best thing.
    1:10:47 Well, the friendship piece is something that I’ve heard you talk about before and, you know, with all the discussion that we’re having here about, you know,
    1:10:50 pheromone clouds and dopamine and romance and sex.
    1:11:02 I think that, you know, I’ll put in a strong vote for saying all that’s wonderful, but the mellow times just hanging out on the couch are different, you know, starkly different.
    1:11:14 But are as bonding in many ways, especially on a backdrop of a world that, especially now, is, you know, chaotic, uncertain, threatening to many people.
    1:11:17 Even if you’re successful in the world, like the world’s a lot.
    1:11:18 It’s pretty overwhelming now.
    1:11:22 There’s a lot coming at us all the time through devices and through things.
    1:11:26 You know, there’s a lot of uncertainty about our whole species at some level.
    1:11:26 And criticism.
    1:11:34 I mean, there’s so much criticism from the outside world, so much self-criticism and comparison,
    1:11:41 that there’s something about having someone who sees the beauty in you and is cheering for you.
    1:11:48 And that when you fall down, their response is, okay, you fell down.
    1:11:49 Like, come on, people fall down.
    1:11:50 It’s okay.
    1:11:50 I’m cheating.
    1:11:50 Come on, get up.
    1:11:51 You got it.
    1:11:52 You got this, you know.
    1:11:57 Something about that, to me, is that’s the best thing.
    1:12:03 Like, that’s when I see successful married couples, they’re not taking the piss out of each other.
    1:12:09 Like, all the tropes now of, like, you know, like, women just being like, oh, yeah, he’s just such an idiot.
    1:12:15 Like, you know, it’s, like, cute somehow to, like, talk crap about your husband or your wife.
    1:12:16 Men as children.
    1:12:20 Men as children and women as the most loathsome harpies ever to castrate a man.
    1:12:21 You know, like, oh, yeah, well, please, you know.
    1:12:23 Well, she’s, this one, you know, there’s nothing.
    1:12:26 We’re not, like, I don’t find that cute.
    1:12:27 I don’t find it charming.
    1:12:29 That’s sort of an American theme.
    1:12:33 You know, I’ve noticed, like, half my family is in South America.
    1:12:34 Completely different picture.
    1:12:37 Now, one could argue their problem is with the picture there.
    1:12:37 Yeah.
    1:12:39 And I’m sure they exist.
    1:12:44 But it’s not the same, you know, men are children.
    1:12:47 Women are cutthroat.
    1:12:51 Yeah, and I guess for me, especially in this increasingly performative,
    1:12:56 even curated age that we live in where, you know, we’re watching on, you know,
    1:13:00 Instagram and all these other social media, we’re watching everyone’s greatest hits
    1:13:01 while we live our gag reel.
    1:13:06 And we’re sort of comparing ourselves to, like, this curated version of other people’s
    1:13:08 relationships and lives.
    1:13:13 And so a lot of the time, we’re just not feeling good about what we’re doing or where we’re at.
    1:13:18 Our bodies, you know, like, our minds, our success, our accomplishments.
    1:13:22 Like, we’re looking at everybody else’s curated greatest hits.
    1:13:29 And I think there’s something really valuable about having another human being next to you
    1:13:31 who’s not criticizing you.
    1:13:33 Like, even constructive criticism is criticism.
    1:13:36 Like, there’s something about having another person.
    1:13:41 I’m not saying, by the way, that part of being in a good relationship is not criticism, you know,
    1:13:44 or the ability to, like, give feedback to a person.
    1:13:45 But it’s like I said earlier about our friendship.
    1:13:52 Like, if you know it’s coming from a place of love, of like, hey, man, I know you’re great
    1:13:57 and I feel like this is dampening your greatness or this is shining light in the wrong place.
    1:14:00 Like, I think there’s so much value in that.
    1:14:07 But again, it requires these two people to have, you know, a conversation early on, I think,
    1:14:11 about what do we expect, what do we feel towards each other.
    1:14:15 And again, you know, to look at that as a, I mean, marriage is a contract.
    1:14:17 Divorce is a different contract.
    1:14:18 A prenup is a contract.
    1:14:23 Like, we’re living in this world of contracts whether we want to admit it or not.
    1:14:25 So why not admit it?
    1:14:27 Say it out loud.
    1:14:33 It’s not, I promise, it is not going to take away the beauty and the romance of this thing.
    1:14:35 Like, I’ve been a divorce lawyer 25 years.
    1:14:37 I still get misty-eyed at weddings.
    1:14:40 I still watch love stories.
    1:14:42 Like, I watch Love on the Spectrum.
    1:14:45 I literally cry every episode.
    1:14:45 I haven’t seen it.
    1:14:50 If you ever want to just feel the most affirmed you’ll ever feel in your life.
    1:14:56 Because these are people who are struggling with tremendous difficulties and challenges in life.
    1:14:58 Challenges you and I don’t have.
    1:15:03 And all they want is connection with another person.
    1:15:03 Beautiful.
    1:15:10 And there’s something about, like, how they both are, like, oh, my God, I want this, like, oh, do you like ice cream?
    1:15:11 Oh, I like ice cream, too.
    1:15:14 Like, and it’s just, oh, okay, okay, good.
    1:15:15 Like, we found a thing.
    1:15:16 We found a connection point.
    1:15:22 Like, and you’re just watching it on the edge of your seat going, oh, my God, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, good, you’re doing so good, you’re doing so good.
    1:15:23 Okay, they ran out of things to talk about.
    1:15:24 Okay, it’s okay.
    1:15:26 Just, you know, and I watch it.
    1:15:28 Like, I imagine some people watch the Super Bowl.
    1:15:31 Like, just on the edge of my seat.
    1:15:34 Like, you’d think I had money on what happens to Tanner, you know?
    1:15:35 Like, I’m watching it.
    1:15:42 And because there’s something so pure about I just want to find love.
    1:15:53 Like, I just want to find another person that I’m going to feel loved by and safe with and who likes me and who the way they look at me makes me look at myself in a more positive way.
    1:15:55 There’s something so beautiful about that.
    1:16:08 And maybe you have to strip away a lot of this intellectual crap to, like, be able to really see that that’s what this comes down to and to make it its purest, distilled version.
    1:16:19 But, again, I think that’s something that’s easiest and best to do when you’re at the beginning of that journey, not midway through, not – definitely not where it’s gone off the rails.
    1:16:23 I’m thinking about standards of expectation.
    1:16:28 And, obviously, social media plays an important role in that.
    1:16:32 You mentioned that people showing their best lives, best selves, best everything.
    1:16:59 I have a friend who is very high up in one of the social media platforms, you know, let’s just say in the original 10, who told me social media is 99% about women and female biology and psychology communicating to one another and to men and getting men to communicate to the world.
    1:17:03 Things that support kind of things that support kind of an ideal.
    1:17:12 Some people are going to hear that and get upset, and then I’m going to tell you that the person that told me that is a woman, which kind of bends people’s brains around it.
    1:17:15 Men will show their workouts.
    1:17:16 Men will compete with other men.
    1:17:23 Men will, you know, just show their half-court shot prowess, et cetera.
    1:17:25 Is that for women?
    1:17:26 Maybe.
    1:17:27 Is it for men?
    1:17:28 More likely.
    1:17:30 In some cases, both.
    1:17:30 All of it.
    1:17:42 But the argument is that this idea of ideals being presented as something to keep striving toward is very much the modern version of the Disney movie.
    1:17:43 The wedding at the end.
    1:17:44 Yeah.
    1:17:44 Right?
    1:17:46 The bride and groom and everything’s perfect.
    1:17:47 Yeah.
    1:17:50 That there’s a subconscious text there.
    1:17:55 We’re all kind of aiming for and hoping for, and so we see the top veneer.
    1:17:56 I mean, let me put it this way.
    1:18:06 I don’t think I’ve seen a movie or an Instagram account, for that matter, of a couple resolving a really hard challenge that wasn’t like cancer or something.
    1:18:12 Like a discussion, a hard discussion, a real one in real time.
    1:18:17 I’ve seen some staged ones that are just ridiculous where somebody listens, I hear you, I hear you.
    1:18:17 Okay.
    1:18:20 But that doesn’t get to the underlying emotions at all.
    1:18:32 And so I think what’s happening is people are getting more and more entranced by this ideal and losing track of what you just described, which may be the real ideal.
    1:18:32 Yeah.
    1:18:43 This one from the show, Love on the Spectrum, right, that you’re trying to find connection along the lines of simple, everyday things that you can bask in over and over without the fear of them disappearing.
    1:18:44 Yeah.
    1:18:50 Because they’re not that hard to attain and they’re not dependent on some transient dopamine wave that you just can’t get back.
    1:18:53 But I think what you’re saying is spot on.
    1:18:59 But so I’ve always interpreted social media as a form of advertising.
    1:19:01 It’s really what it is.
    1:19:02 Absolutely.
    1:19:06 And there’s two things about advertising that I think should be said out loud.
    1:19:11 One is that advertising is the dream life of a culture.
    1:19:13 Like it’s the ideal.
    1:19:15 It’s the dream life.
    1:19:20 It’s this idea of like this is what a Bud Light drinker looks like.
    1:19:22 You know, they’re having a good time.
    1:19:23 They’re with their friends.
    1:19:26 This is what a guy who drinks this beer looks like.
    1:19:27 Like, and which guy are you?
    1:19:33 This is what a BMW driver looks like versus this is what a Hyundai or a Subaru or a Jeep driver looks like.
    1:19:35 Like, so it’s the dream life of a culture.
    1:19:36 And I think there’s tremendous value to that.
    1:19:40 Tremendous value to like what do we imagine ourselves to be.
    1:19:50 Like, because whenever I’m talking to someone in a negotiation, as someone who negotiates for a living and litigates for a living, like, I’m not just interested in who you are.
    1:19:56 I’m interested in who you want me to think you are and who you think you are and who you want to be, right?
    1:20:01 So advertising, social media, it’s the dream life of a culture.
    1:20:03 But here’s the thing we don’t like to talk about.
    1:20:07 Advertising at its core is the opposite of therapy.
    1:20:17 If the goal of therapy is to create a sense of wellness and wholeness in a person, okay, advertising is the opposite.
    1:20:19 You’re not okay.
    1:20:20 You’re not okay.
    1:20:21 You could be.
    1:20:21 You could be.
    1:20:22 You could.
    1:20:26 If you had, you would have, then you would be better.
    1:20:27 You’re good.
    1:20:27 True.
    1:20:27 You’re good.
    1:20:28 It is true.
    1:20:29 It’s actually delicious.
    1:20:34 But if it, you know, the purpose of advertising is essentially to say you’re not okay.
    1:20:34 You’re not okay.
    1:20:35 You could be.
    1:20:36 Redemption is available to you.
    1:20:37 Right, that’s the subtext.
    1:20:38 You’re not okay.
    1:20:40 And if you did X, Y, or Z, or got it to you.
    1:20:41 Then maybe you’ll be better.
    1:20:42 You’ll be much better.
    1:20:44 So social media is the same thing.
    1:20:45 You’re not okay.
    1:20:49 Maybe if you did contrast therapy, saunas, call plans, you’d be better.
    1:20:52 You know, maybe if you took more creatine, you’d be better.
    1:20:54 Like you’re good now, but you could be better.
    1:21:02 And so that constant barrage of our dream life, our imagination, I mean, again, it’s inspiring.
    1:21:05 It’s really good for people in some ways.
    1:21:17 But to be inundated on a daily basis with you’re not okay, you’re not over and over again, this is not a normal condition for humans to be in.
    1:21:31 And that is why, I think, to some degree, we find that, like, romantic relationships so appealing because you’re closing the door and this person, you’re okay, you’re good, you’re good, you’re, I have you.
    1:21:32 That’s what I need.
    1:21:33 Yeah, well, I have you.
    1:21:33 That’s what I need.
    1:21:34 Like whom?
    1:21:37 Yeah, and what a warm, wonderful place to be.
    1:21:42 Particularly, like, it’s really nice to be in a warm house when it’s cold outside.
    1:21:45 It’s really nice to be in a dry house when it’s raining outside.
    1:22:01 Well, when you’re living in an ecosystem where information has become a form of garbage that comes at you from every possible angle all the time, devoid of context, and everything is an advertisement telling you there’s something wrong with you,
    1:22:11 why wouldn’t you want to slam the door, close the windows, and be with someone and ideally a couple of dogs where you guys can just be warm and happy and love each other?
    1:22:13 And by the way, it’s right there.
    1:22:14 It’s so accessible.
    1:22:16 You don’t have to buy much of anything.
    1:22:19 You don’t have to, like, you don’t need that much.
    1:22:22 If you have love and you have each other, you don’t need.
    1:22:32 And by, that’s why I think our society, I think capitalism likes love insofar as it sells Hyundais, and it’ll get people to buy, like, the wedding industrial complex.
    1:22:35 Like, it’ll get you to go out and do all the stuff you do.
    1:22:41 But, like, the idea that, hey, if we just find another person, that we might realize that this is all the matrix.
    1:22:45 Like, that I don’t need all of that to be loved.
    1:22:47 And I don’t need all of that to feel love.
    1:22:53 Like, the fullness you feel when you love someone and are loved by them.
    1:22:55 Like, again, it doesn’t even have to be a human.
    1:22:56 You’re a dog.
    1:22:58 Why do you mean people are always like, man, we don’t deserve dogs?
    1:22:59 Yeah.
    1:23:06 Because your dog doesn’t give a shit what car you drive or what you do or how if you got six-pack abs.
    1:23:07 Like, they don’t care.
    1:23:08 Like, they just love you.
    1:23:19 And you love them in a way that is, like, mind-blowing in that, again, do you ever look at, like, people are always like, oh, well, you know, this person I’m in a romantic relationship with.
    1:23:20 Like, they’re aging.
    1:23:28 Their body is not as jacked as it was or they’re not as – do you ever look at your dog and go, like, I got to get a puppy, man.
    1:23:29 Like, this dog is old now.
    1:23:30 Like, this dog’s, like –
    1:23:32 No, it’s just more and more appreciation.
    1:23:33 It’s just deeper and deeper.
    1:23:37 It’s like the pair of jeans that you’re like, oh, my God, it gets more comfortable every year.
    1:23:41 Like, and, like, love – that’s how love can be and should be.
    1:23:58 But, again, it requires to some degree that that noise of that ecosystem, that constant you’re not okay, you’re not okay, that we can figure out a way to turn the volume down on that and turn up the volume on what are we feeding here together.
    1:24:00 Again, it may not sell as many cars.
    1:24:02 It may not sell as much beer.
    1:24:05 It may not – you know, but that’s okay.
    1:24:07 Like, that’s the wholeness, that sense of wholeness.
    1:24:12 Like, that depth of connection to me, like, that makes all the sense in the world.
    1:24:14 What you’re describing is very alluring.
    1:24:27 And when you said, you know, two people together in the cocoon, maybe some dogs as well, if one were just to inject a smartphone in there, completely different picture.
    1:24:28 Totally changes the ecosystem.
    1:24:32 You know, and I’m not trying to be a buzzkill here, but what you describe is so beautiful.
    1:24:44 And, you know, if I look back on the best moments in romantic relationships that I’ve had, it was, well, in recent years, driving a segment of the California coast where there was no phone reception.
    1:24:47 Like, the kind of peace that comes from that.
    1:24:50 You know, it’s always moments of simplicity.
    1:24:51 Yeah.
    1:24:52 Always.
    1:25:00 Almost anybody, if you ask them, you know, genuinely ask them, like, what was a moment where you felt the most loved?
    1:25:03 Like, their answer will surprise you.
    1:25:05 Like, it rarely costs anything.
    1:25:10 It rarely – you know, I was on – you and I both done Diary of the CEO, you know, Steve Bartlett.
    1:25:12 And we both have a friendship with Steve.
    1:25:19 And one of the questions he asked me was, when did you feel in your life the most loved?
    1:25:22 And I instantly knew the answer.
    1:25:26 And it was the silliest answer and yet the most honest.
    1:25:31 And I told a story about how my – when I was a kid, we used to get pizza every once in a while.
    1:25:33 And, you know, pizza’s cut in a certain number of slices.
    1:25:42 And I remember my friend Tommy and I were having pizza and my dad – like, there was an odd number of slices.
    1:25:48 And my dad had one slice and we, like two young boys, just devoured, you know, like three, four slices apiece.
    1:25:50 So there’s only one more slice left.
    1:25:55 And, of course, he and I are both looking at it, even though we’d had, like, three or four slices of pizza and my dad had only had one.
    1:25:57 And my dad went, like, yeah, you guys can have it.
    1:26:00 And we split that last piece, my friend and I.
    1:26:04 And a couple of weeks later, I was at his house and ordered pizza.
    1:26:08 And his father just, like, ate the last slice of pizza.
    1:26:10 He ate, like, more slices than we did.
    1:26:14 And I remember looking at him and thinking, my dad would never do that.
    1:26:16 And I remember thinking, oh, he loves me.
    1:26:21 Like, I just felt it to my core that, like, he loves me so much.
    1:26:23 Like, I know he wanted that other piece of pizza.
    1:26:30 But the joy he felt in watching me eat another piece of pizza was bigger than the hunger he had for another piece of pizza.
    1:26:32 That is the purest expression of love.
    1:26:42 And, like, most people, if you say to them, like, what was a moment in your romantic relationship where you felt loved or you just felt joy inside yourself?
    1:26:44 Like, God, I’d rather be here than anywhere in the world.
    1:26:52 The answer is not going to be we were at the most expensive restaurant or we were having the most mind-blowing sex.
    1:26:54 Like, listen, you’ll have fond memories of all those things.
    1:27:09 But it’s some little moment of just connection or just the feeling of, like, holding this person’s hand or, like, the way that the light hit them at the particular sunset when you were sitting outside together.
    1:27:18 Like, and to me, like, of course, modern consumer culture doesn’t shove that down your throat because you don’t need anything.
    1:27:20 You don’t need to buy anything to experience that.
    1:27:28 You don’t need to do anything to experience that other than find another person and love them, you know, and let them love you.
    1:27:31 And that’s not – doesn’t require a lot of purchases.
    1:27:36 I’d like to take a quick break and acknowledge one of our sponsors, Function.
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    1:29:03 As a consequence, I decided to join their scientific advisory board, and I’m thrilled that they’re sponsoring the podcast.
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    1:29:25 You’ve got my mind going to a number of pleasant memories and examples.
    1:29:25 That’s good.
    1:29:26 It’s good to do.
    1:29:27 I love your pizza example.
    1:29:28 I’ll just quickly give one.
    1:29:31 I was in a long relationship with somebody.
    1:29:32 We’re still on very good terms.
    1:29:36 And we still laugh and delight in this one moment.
    1:29:41 There’s a diner here in Los Angeles that we had come to that it’s closed now, but it’s still there.
    1:29:44 Every time I drive past it, I think about this.
    1:29:45 I think about this.
    1:29:46 And you think about her.
    1:29:47 I think about her.
    1:29:50 And we were on a, it was early days of dating.
    1:29:50 Yeah.
    1:29:59 And I remember she asked for cream for her coffee and put like a little bit more cream than one would normally put in the coffee.
    1:30:01 And I was like, a little cream with your coffee.
    1:30:04 She’s like, well, actually, I want to put the whole thing in here, but I’m trying to be polite.
    1:30:05 Try to be the mirror.
    1:30:06 And I said, put the whole thing in.
    1:30:06 Go in.
    1:30:11 Without hesitating, she just went and put the entire beaker of cream in there.
    1:30:12 And we still laugh about that.
    1:30:19 And I remember that moment being so freeing for me because it was this moment where I knew she was relaxed enough to do it.
    1:30:22 It was hilarious for reasons that were only clear to us.
    1:30:25 And people are probably bewildered about why it would be so meaningful now.
    1:30:27 And I don’t think they will be.
    1:30:33 And to me, it was a moment where I was like, I don’t want to reveal who this person is.
    1:30:34 People in my life will know.
    1:30:36 But she has such a lust for life.
    1:30:36 Yeah.
    1:30:38 Like full blast.
    1:30:38 Yeah.
    1:30:41 All gas pedal on everything.
    1:30:41 Yeah.
    1:30:43 And it was like, I love cream.
    1:30:45 I want the entire beaker of cream.
    1:30:47 And it was this permission that she gave herself.
    1:30:49 So I still delight in that.
    1:30:50 So these little things.
    1:30:50 It’s great.
    1:31:04 And I think as you were describing the pizza example or this, my example, what’s clear to me is that the memory of, say, like the incredible early stage of a relationship or some big vacation or event.
    1:31:05 Which is wonderful.
    1:31:10 That stuff can set a kind of yearning as much as an appreciation.
    1:31:10 Sure.
    1:31:12 Like you want it again.
    1:31:21 Whereas for me, this probably silly sounding thing about the cream in the coffee or the pizza thing, you still have that.
    1:31:23 Like it’s not like you want it again.
    1:31:23 Yeah.
    1:31:24 You’ve got that.
    1:31:25 It’s yours.
    1:31:26 It’s never going away.
    1:31:34 And I think there’s something very deeply biological and psychological about those kinds of things because I think they drive really deep pillars.
    1:31:35 Into our memory.
    1:31:36 It’s like we still have them.
    1:31:39 I mean, look at the way you describe it or the way that I do it.
    1:31:41 First of all, there’s nothing silly about that example.
    1:31:46 Just the fact that you say, like, well, that silly example I gave, like, there’s absolutely nothing silly about that.
    1:31:49 Like there’s, I completely got it.
    1:31:54 I completely was smiling while you were telling that story because it’s lovely.
    1:31:55 Because what is it?
    1:31:56 It’s intimacy.
    1:32:00 Like the definition of intimacy has nothing to do with sex.
    1:32:05 Intimacy is defined as the ability to be completely yourself with another person.
    1:32:06 And what was she doing there?
    1:32:08 She was doing what we all do on a date.
    1:32:11 Those first few days, those early days, we have spanks on our personality.
    1:32:15 You know, everything is like, okay, I’m going to, and again, is it lying?
    1:32:15 No.
    1:32:16 Is makeup lying?
    1:32:17 No.
    1:32:19 It accentuates the positive, dissentuates the negative.
    1:32:20 It’s not a lie.
    1:32:23 If someone was wearing makeup and then they take their makeup off, I don’t go, you’re a liar.
    1:32:24 Eyelashes don’t look like that.
    1:32:25 You’re a liar.
    1:32:27 No, look, you’re trying to impress me.
    1:32:28 I get it.
    1:32:31 Like you’re trying to be the, but eventually you’re going to see this person without makeup.
    1:32:34 Like eventually you’re going to find out she puts an insane amount of cream into her coffee.
    1:32:38 But these are the things we love about people.
    1:32:43 It’s what makes them human is that you’re just, you’re, she puts so much cream in her coffee.
    1:32:44 Like so weird to me.
    1:32:45 It’s ridiculous.
    1:32:46 But it’s, but, but let me tell you something.
    1:32:49 You still think of her when you drive it.
    1:32:50 You think of that moment.
    1:32:55 Like that was an investment that paid dividends forever.
    1:32:56 You’ll remember that forever.
    1:33:08 And by the way, it’s not a betrayal to future relationships that you fondly recall this moment of intimacy where this person felt loved enough and comfortable enough with you to go, yeah, I’m going to take that mask off.
    1:33:10 I’m going to show you I like an insane amount of cream.
    1:33:13 I have no idea why I like that much cream, but I just do.
    1:33:15 Like, does that make me weird?
    1:33:15 Is that okay?
    1:33:17 And then you going like, yeah, go to town.
    1:33:18 Like whatever, man.
    1:33:22 Like I like, like, I don’t even use cream, but like go to town, like be you.
    1:33:27 Like that’s the feeling we all want is that feeling of like, yeah, you’re not crazy.
    1:33:28 You make sense to me.
    1:33:29 You make sense.
    1:33:30 You’re not just like me.
    1:33:32 We’re very different, but you make sense to me.
    1:33:34 You know, I feel understood.
    1:33:39 And that to me, like that, that’s the whole thing.
    1:33:45 And so if you say, well, this is where we were in early days and that’s the baseline.
    1:33:50 And if we don’t continue to feel that intoxicated by each other, that we’re doing it wrong.
    1:33:51 Okay.
    1:33:53 Then, then it’s, you’ve set an impossible stance.
    1:33:57 That’s like saying, I’m not in the shape I was in when I was 25.
    1:33:59 So I must be doing something wrong.
    1:34:02 No, like the, the organism doesn’t change.
    1:34:04 It doesn’t evolve that way.
    1:34:09 Like this is the nature of things is that it’s supposed to be what it is.
    1:34:13 Like it’s supposed to merge or evolve into something different.
    1:34:19 But again, having conversations about what that is and what it looks like that, that’s
    1:34:23 the best possible way to preserve what’s best in it.
    1:34:30 And I think starting a marriage with, we’re not going to talk about any of that.
    1:34:33 We’re not going to look at any of it.
    1:34:33 We’re just in love.
    1:34:34 That’s all that matters.
    1:34:35 We’re just in love.
    1:34:35 That’s all that matters.
    1:34:37 Let’s talk about any of this other stuff.
    1:34:41 Like that’s not, that’s that to me, you’re doing yourself a disservice.
    1:34:47 Start early by creating the pattern of, we’re just going to say it.
    1:34:48 We’re just going to say it.
    1:34:50 We’re just going to say what we’re doing, right.
    1:34:53 What we’re doing that, that hit the wrong way.
    1:34:56 Like, cause here’s the thing, like you and I are friends.
    1:35:02 If, if you hurt my feelings, if we had a conversation and you said something and it just hurt my feelings.
    1:35:04 I know you didn’t mean to.
    1:35:05 We’re friends.
    1:35:07 I know you don’t want to hurt me.
    1:35:08 I don’t want to hurt you.
    1:35:08 You’re my friend.
    1:35:11 Like I get it, but I’m going to probably say something sometime.
    1:35:12 And it hurts you.
    1:35:13 And I didn’t mean to, you know?
    1:35:16 So what do you do?
    1:35:17 Carry that around?
    1:35:19 Just don’t say it out loud.
    1:35:20 Cause it’s uncomfortable to say that to Jimmy.
    1:35:23 He’s going to feel badly that he said that to me and that it upset me.
    1:35:24 So I’m just going to carry it around.
    1:35:29 That’s how, if you’ve been in a long-term romantic relationship, which we both have in our lives,
    1:35:39 that’s how you’re having some very banal sort of argument about like, what’s the best way to get from here to Calabasas or whatever.
    1:35:44 And five minutes later, it’s like, you know, I never liked your mother.
    1:35:45 And like, you, you never respected me.
    1:35:47 And you’re like, where, how did we get there?
    1:35:49 Like, how long have you had that in the chamber?
    1:35:51 Like, how long have you been holding on to that?
    1:35:53 And the answer is since the day it happened.
    1:36:05 So why not create a framework early where if we, something blips the wrong way, like I’m not saying dwell on it.
    1:36:08 I’m not saying put a person in a defensive situation by immediately calling it out.
    1:36:17 But like, if you, if I said, I’m telling you right now as my friend, if I say something to you at some point that hurts you, I know I didn’t mean to.
    1:36:18 I know I didn’t mean to.
    1:36:20 So I’m, I’ll tell you in advance, I’m sorry.
    1:36:21 I’m sorry.
    1:36:23 Cause I know I didn’t mean to hurt you.
    1:36:24 Doesn’t mean what I said isn’t true.
    1:36:26 It might be true.
    1:36:29 It might be fair criticism, but I know I didn’t mean to hurt you.
    1:36:30 I know.
    1:36:30 Cause I love you.
    1:36:33 And so if you’re my friend and I love you, I didn’t mean to hurt you.
    1:36:34 I know that for sure.
    1:36:38 So why can’t we from the beginning?
    1:36:43 And that’s why I like prenups because from the beginning, let’s talk about this.
    1:36:44 What do we mean to each other?
    1:36:45 What do we owe to each other?
    1:36:48 What, what are the benchmarks of this economy?
    1:36:52 Like what are the, what are the exchanges of value between us?
    1:37:01 And as we grow and change, how will we hold on to the part that’s most meaningful to both of us?
    1:37:13 Can you give some examples of what a prenup, uh, kind of the scaffold of a prenup might, might look like, um, barring the extremes of like billionaires and, and, um, you know, and, and they have 19 chihuahuas or whatever it is.
    1:37:21 Good Lord, who has 19 chihuahuas, but it’s ambitious for actually, but one of my jujitsu teachers, Paul Schreiner is, uh, he’s got a remarkable number of chihuahuas.
    1:37:22 He rescues chihuahuas.
    1:37:23 I admire it tremendously.
    1:37:29 I think Steven Kotler, who, um, is involved in a lot, a lot of the literature and popular writing around flow.
    1:37:30 Yeah.
    1:37:31 Has a lot of chihuahuas.
    1:37:41 And he told me that in, in some country other than the United States where they translate book, someone did, played a joke or something where the, on the title of the book, it translates as chihuahua man.
    1:37:41 Love that.
    1:37:42 Or something like that.
    1:37:47 Well, I mean, if you think about chihuahuas, it’s fair because if you, if you glued like 20 of them together, it’s still not a great thing.
    1:37:48 You know what I mean?
    1:37:51 Size wise, just mass in terms of volume of it.
    1:37:52 I like all dogs.
    1:37:52 I like all dogs.
    1:37:53 I like all dogs.
    1:37:55 For the record, I’m not being politically correct.
    1:37:56 I’m partial to hounds, but I like all dogs.
    1:37:56 Yeah.
    1:37:58 Well, you and I are friends for a reason.
    1:38:02 Some of the basic scaffold of our prenup.
    1:38:07 Cause I, how, like, I can imagine that if we break up, you’ll get X amount of, uh, blah, blah, blah, blah.
    1:38:08 Yeah, it can be a lot of that.
    1:38:08 Yeah.
    1:38:10 Maybe list off some like court, like court, court tenants.
    1:38:17 So, so to do that, you know, what you’re, what you’re doing is we’re, we’re going to do a, we’re going to do a consultation for a prenup shul agreement right here.
    1:38:18 I do, I do them all the time.
    1:38:18 Great.
    1:38:20 So the first thing that, yeah, you’re getting it for free.
    1:38:21 I mean, that’s pretty good.
    1:38:22 It’s usually eight 50.
    1:38:27 So what I’ll say is the following to understand what a contract does.
    1:38:31 The first thing you have to understand is what are your rights in the absence of that contract?
    1:38:32 Right?
    1:38:34 Most contracts, that’s pretty easy.
    1:38:36 Like I’m going to lease a car.
    1:38:42 I know in the absence of that car lease, they have the car and I have the money.
    1:38:43 Right?
    1:38:49 So that’s a really easy contract because whatever the contract is, we both want the same thing.
    1:38:51 They want my money and I want their car.
    1:38:55 So now we’re just trying to figure out what are the terms and how do we codify them?
    1:38:57 And then we’ll come up with what are some things that could go wrong?
    1:38:59 What if I stop making the payments?
    1:39:02 What if I drive the car off the lot and the wheels fall off?
    1:39:06 Like, okay, now we have to start using some imagination about what do we do in these contingencies.
    1:39:11 But at its core, simple contract, which is I want the car.
    1:39:11 You got a car.
    1:39:12 You want money.
    1:39:13 I’ve got money.
    1:39:14 Let’s figure this out.
    1:39:19 And if we can, somebody else will get the car and somebody else will take my money.
    1:39:20 We’ll be all right.
    1:39:21 We’ll be okay.
    1:39:22 Scheme of things.
    1:39:22 Right?
    1:39:24 So this is the same thing.
    1:39:25 Okay?
    1:39:26 It’s the same thing.
    1:39:31 So if we don’t marry, we both know that’s easy.
    1:39:31 Right?
    1:39:32 We both know we’re in love.
    1:39:33 We’re happy.
    1:39:34 We’re together.
    1:39:35 We’re enjoying each other’s company.
    1:39:37 Now we’re not going to get married.
    1:39:38 What happens?
    1:39:40 So you suddenly love goes out the window.
    1:39:41 The whole thing falls apart.
    1:39:42 I don’t think so.
    1:39:43 That’s kind of weird.
    1:39:43 Right?
    1:39:48 So again, first order of business is why are we getting married?
    1:39:50 Why?
    1:39:52 Like, what is the problem to which marriage is a solution?
    1:39:59 Like, why is it so strange to say to another human being, if I said to you, Andrew, great
    1:40:00 news, I’m getting married.
    1:40:02 If you said, really, why?
    1:40:06 Like, why would that be like, what kind of jerk is Andrew today?
    1:40:07 Like, it’s, why?
    1:40:10 Well, my parents, it’s really important to them that I get married.
    1:40:13 And, you know, we’re having a great time, she and I, but like, you know, her parents are
    1:40:15 very religious and they say, oh, that’s a good reason.
    1:40:17 It’s a good reason to get married.
    1:40:21 Like, we do things to make our parents happy or our partner’s parents happy.
    1:40:21 That’s okay.
    1:40:22 That makes sense to me.
    1:40:28 I genuinely think that there’s a valid thing there, which is, this is the reason why we’re
    1:40:28 getting married.
    1:40:32 Or I want the tax break that comes with getting married.
    1:40:33 There’s a tax break?
    1:40:34 There’s a significant tax break.
    1:40:34 Yeah.
    1:40:35 Yeah.
    1:40:38 On federal and state, you get your different dependency exemptions.
    1:40:41 You get different schedules of how much you have to make to pay at a different time.
    1:40:46 Oh yeah, there’s, there’s a whole bunch of purely financial reasons to get married.
    1:40:51 Like, again, with a prenup, you can take away the risk, but still have all those benefits.
    1:40:53 You can file married joint returns.
    1:40:55 You have all kinds of inheritance rights if you want them.
    1:40:59 Like there’s all kinds of potential perks to getting married, right?
    1:41:01 There’s also certain cultural legitimacy.
    1:41:04 Like again, another good reason for people to say they’re getting married is, hey.
    1:41:06 We’ll return to that one.
    1:41:10 I want to make sure we flag that because things are changing, but I, I agree there’s always
    1:41:12 the, have they ever been married?
    1:41:12 Why aren’t they married?
    1:41:14 There’s this, we’ll get back to that.
    1:41:19 If you say, this is my girlfriend, that could mean a week we’ve been together a week, or it
    1:41:21 could mean we’ve been together 10 years and we have kids together.
    1:41:22 It implies my wife.
    1:41:24 Now that’s a fallacy.
    1:41:25 That’s insane, right?
    1:41:30 Just, just cause we went and did like we 20 bucks Elvis will marry you in Vegas.
    1:41:34 And you’re telling me that that gives more legitimacy than someone who’s got two children
    1:41:37 with someone has lived with them for 10 years, but just didn’t get the government involved.
    1:41:42 Like that doesn’t make any sense to me, but we’ve decided it’s like, presto change.
    1:41:43 Oh, you’re married.
    1:41:45 That means now you’re a totally legitimate relationship.
    1:41:50 A family member told me that years ago, I won’t tell you what the course of their relationship
    1:41:57 was, um, said the reason to get married is because it’s an additional buffer against, uh,
    1:41:59 walking out when things get tough.
    1:41:59 Yeah.
    1:42:00 Yeah.
    1:42:01 See, I want to hear that a lot.
    1:42:10 And I, you know, what if we, what if we closed emergency rooms from 10 PM until like 5 AM?
    1:42:12 Do you think people would do less risky shit?
    1:42:15 Do you think people would go like, Hey, you know what?
    1:42:19 If I break my leg skateboarding, sorry to pick on skateboarding.
    1:42:23 If the ER is closed, I won’t be like, that’s insane.
    1:42:29 To think that people in this dopamine state, you know, intoxicated by pheromones that they’re
    1:42:33 going to say like, Oh, you know, like we are legally married.
    1:42:34 I might have to guess.
    1:42:37 It’s like, it’s, it’s just the numbers don’t bear it out.
    1:42:39 Like with, with the divorce rate, what it is, it doesn’t work.
    1:42:42 You want to create barriers, create barriers to entry.
    1:42:44 Like how bad do you want it?
    1:42:45 Like, how bad do you want to get married?
    1:42:47 You have to, there’s a waiting period.
    1:42:52 Or you have to take a test or you have to, whatever, something, some barrier to entry.
    1:42:54 You have to pay some amount of money to get married.
    1:42:54 I don’t know.
    1:42:55 Create barrier.
    1:43:00 If you believe in the barrier concept, barriers to exit makes no sense.
    1:43:03 Barriers to entry might make sense.
    1:43:05 Again, still don’t think it would make that much sense.
    1:43:07 But to tie it back to the prenup question.
    1:43:11 So the first question is, why are you getting married?
    1:43:11 Okay.
    1:43:12 What’s the purpose?
    1:43:14 What is the problem to which marriage is a solution?
    1:43:22 The next question is, okay, if we marry without a prenup, what will govern our relationship
    1:43:26 in the event that it doesn’t end in death?
    1:43:27 Okay.
    1:43:34 So if it ends by some other reason, either I divorce you, you divorce me.
    1:43:37 We come to the joint decision that this isn’t working.
    1:43:44 Some intervening circumstance occurs that changes the dynamic between us in a way that we couldn’t
    1:43:49 possibly have anticipated, whatever that might be, a medical issue, something with a child.
    1:43:56 Like I’ve had cases where, and these are tragic cases, but I’ve had maybe in a 25-year career,
    1:44:02 I’ve maybe had a dozen cases where people lost a child by usually some kind of tragic accident.
    1:44:09 So kid falls in the pool, drowns, and they cannot be together anymore.
    1:44:17 Like they are a reminder to the other person of this immeasurable loss that they can’t wrap
    1:44:18 their brains around.
    1:44:21 Like, and so they lose each other, you know?
    1:44:22 And it’s not anyone’s fault.
    1:44:27 Like it’s not either of their fault that this horrible tragedy occurred.
    1:44:29 But it’s just too painful.
    1:44:33 Like they just remind each other of this loss.
    1:44:38 They can’t ever, you know, they can’t ever extricate that from their feelings.
    1:44:43 Now, I don’t look at that person and go, well, you should never get divorced.
    1:44:47 Divorce is, dude, who am I to say to that person?
    1:44:48 No, no.
    1:44:50 Continue to feel that torturous pain.
    1:44:53 Or, oh, go to therapy and that’ll get rid of that.
    1:44:55 Like it’s not that simple.
    1:45:02 So if that person has been through that exquisite, unique kind of torture, that person says, yeah,
    1:45:02 we just can’t do that.
    1:45:04 Like we love each other, but we just can’t.
    1:45:09 Like we have to start over and reboot our lives separately so that we have no memory of that
    1:45:11 anymore or as few reminders as possible.
    1:45:16 I have nothing I can say to that except that’s not a choice I could tell you is wrong.
    1:45:17 I don’t have the right to tell you that.
    1:45:23 So there are circumstances that can end a marriage that were not anticipated by or caused
    1:45:26 by either person’s malfeasance, right?
    1:45:29 So, okay, now what, right?
    1:45:36 So if we know in the absence of a rule set, in the absence of a prenup, what happens if we
    1:45:36 divorce?
    1:45:39 Well, most people never even get to that step.
    1:45:43 Like most people never, when they get married, they never sit down with anyone and go, what’s
    1:45:46 legally going to happen to me right now?
    1:45:47 Like what just changed?
    1:45:52 You know, like what, like you buy a house, you get a HUD one that tells you the nature
    1:45:56 of the loan and how much you’re paying in interest so that nobody can like claim they didn’t know
    1:45:56 that.
    1:45:57 You get a lead paint disclosure.
    1:45:58 You get all kinds of things.
    1:46:00 You get married, you can get a pamphlet.
    1:46:03 You just did the most legally significant thing you’re ever going to do other than dying
    1:46:06 and no one told you anything about what just happened.
    1:46:08 So you’ve opted out of the title system.
    1:46:14 So like right now, if you and I buy a house together, right, title controls, whose name
    1:46:14 is it saying?
    1:46:16 If it’s in your name, it’s yours.
    1:46:17 If it’s in my name, it’s mine.
    1:46:20 If it’s in our joint names, we own it 50-50 unless there’s a contract that says otherwise,
    1:46:21 right?
    1:46:25 So there are defaults in the absence of a contract.
    1:46:27 There are legal defaults.
    1:46:32 Again, lawyers make a ton of money over people’s aversion to contracts.
    1:46:33 Like it’s great.
    1:46:37 Like the worst thing, when I got involved in trusted prenup and I told people, oh, I’m doing
    1:46:41 this thing, I want to democratize prenups, all my colleagues were like, are you nuts?
    1:46:47 Like, hey, prenups are the easiest thing we do and we make pure profit on them.
    1:46:52 We can charge $5,000, $10,000 for basically a document that you go into Word and change the
    1:46:55 names and it’s the same one for a lot of people, okay?
    1:46:59 Or we’ve done so many of them that we just go, oh, this is just like that one and you just
    1:47:02 change the name and here it is and I can charge you $5,000, $10,000 for it.
    1:47:08 And if it’s successful, I’m taking hundreds of thousands of dollars in counsel fees out
    1:47:10 of my pocket because now you’re not going to have a litigated divorce.
    1:47:15 It’s not going to be a knockdown drag out with whatever the government’s current way of
    1:47:19 handling things happens to be, which by the way is going to be different five years from
    1:47:20 now that it was five years ago.
    1:47:24 I know that because I’ve been doing this 25 years and the law is completely different than
    1:47:27 it was 25 years ago, 10 years ago, 15 years ago.
    1:47:30 It changes constantly because politicians change constantly.
    1:47:36 So fundamentally, what happens with a prenup is simple.
    1:47:40 We’re creating a rule set together, whatever that might be.
    1:47:42 And it can be as detailed as you want it to be.
    1:47:47 So I’ve seen ones that have very specific things about how often we’re going to have sex and
    1:47:50 if we split up what will happen with-
    1:47:50 Literally requirements?
    1:47:57 Well, what they are is either aspirational guidelines or it is tied in some way to some incentive
    1:47:59 or disincentive, like some penalty.
    1:48:00 Oh, yeah.
    1:48:00 You’re kidding me.
    1:48:01 I’m not kidding you.
    1:48:03 I don’t advocate for that.
    1:48:05 I don’t think it’s a good idea.
    1:48:13 But I mean, this story I tell pretty frequently is I did a prenup defense where I didn’t write
    1:48:15 the prenup, so don’t blame me.
    1:48:21 But I defended the prenup successfully, where for every 10 pounds the bride gained, she would
    1:48:24 lose $10,000 a month in alimony when they split up.
    1:48:24 You’re kidding.
    1:48:24 Yeah.
    1:48:25 And a court upheld it.
    1:48:26 A court upheld it.
    1:48:30 The court in its decision actually said, this is boorish.
    1:48:32 This is disgusting.
    1:48:37 I don’t know why you married this person who insisted on this being in the contract, but
    1:48:38 it’s a contract.
    1:48:38 You signed it.
    1:48:39 He signed it.
    1:48:39 You’re adults.
    1:48:41 You were both represented by counsel.
    1:48:42 And it’s enforceable.
    1:48:43 Whoa.
    1:48:44 Yeah.
    1:48:46 Did the marriage last?
    1:48:46 No, no.
    1:48:47 They divorced.
    1:48:47 Yeah.
    1:48:48 They divorced.
    1:48:51 And she lost $20,000 a month in alimony.
    1:48:54 She gained around 20 pounds during the marriage.
    1:48:56 Do you think that was the factor?
    1:48:57 Well, he was rich and she was gorgeous.
    1:49:02 I mean, you know, and he got richer and she got less gorgeous.
    1:49:04 But there are a lot of rich, gorgeous matchups.
    1:49:05 Yeah.
    1:49:06 That’s pretty common.
    1:49:08 And by the way, it’s gender blind too.
    1:49:14 Like the C-suite executive founder that you’re talking about, like female founder, they very
    1:49:15 often don’t marry.
    1:49:19 I know like some people in the red pill community want to say like hypergamy and stuff like that,
    1:49:23 that like C-suite women only marry like even more successful men than that.
    1:49:27 I have a lot of female clients who I have to tell them they owe alimony.
    1:49:30 And they’re like, wait, why do I have to pay?
    1:49:30 I’m a woman.
    1:49:31 He’s a man.
    1:49:32 He’s got a strong back.
    1:49:33 Why do I have to pay alimony?
    1:49:40 I’m like, because you are a C-suite executive who makes millions and you married the like
    1:49:45 super hot, unsuccessful musician who has the like, oops, I didn’t know I was sexy stubble
    1:49:46 because he looks really good.
    1:49:50 Like, and that’s, you married the equivalent of me marrying like the hot yoga teacher.
    1:49:51 Like, I get it.
    1:49:56 Like, but you know, you did the thing and gender has nothing to do with it.
    1:50:00 If you marry someone who earns significantly less money than you do, and they have a diminished
    1:50:05 lifetime earning capacity, then you owe them alimony most likely.
    1:50:07 Is it always 50-50 of assets?
    1:50:08 Generally, yeah.
    1:50:14 There’s a presumption that equitable distribution, equitable meaning fair, is really the law.
    1:50:17 But equitable is presumed to mean equal.
    1:50:22 There are some reasons and some circumstances where equitable does not mean equal.
    1:50:26 There can be things called wasteful dissipation of marital assets, where a person has
    1:50:31 squandered money that should have stayed in the marital estate, gambling, having a paramour,
    1:50:32 a girlfriend or a boyfriend.
    1:50:33 So there’s, there’s rule.
    1:50:39 But again, like to tie it back to prenups, what you’re doing with a prenup as a fundamental
    1:50:44 is just saying, okay, there’s yours, there’s mine, and there’s ours, right?
    1:50:47 Like in terms of assets and liabilities.
    1:50:54 Which, by the way, I think is an excellent analog to the nature of relationships themselves, right?
    1:50:58 There’s you, there’s me, and there’s we, right?
    1:51:06 And a healthy relationship, there’s still you, there’s still me, and then there’s this Venn diagram
    1:51:07 of we, right?
    1:51:15 And of course, you don’t want you and me to be subsumed by the we, because I fell in love
    1:51:15 with you.
    1:51:17 You fell in love with me.
    1:51:19 Why would we want those to go away completely?
    1:51:25 But of course, the we is like, you know, it’s, it’s, it’s intoxicating and you want to become
    1:51:26 the we more.
    1:51:31 But there’s value in staying you and me and having a healthy we, having a healthy, you
    1:51:32 know, intersection there.
    1:51:40 So why not, in your structure of the marriage, have, okay, yours, mine, and ours?
    1:51:45 So at a fundamental level, if you’re going to have a basic prenuptial agreement, it’s just
    1:51:48 going to say, hey, we’re staying in that system.
    1:51:51 You, me, we, right?
    1:51:53 Yours, mine, ours.
    1:51:55 If it’s yours, you keep it.
    1:51:55 Asset or liability.
    1:51:57 If it’s in mine, I keep it.
    1:51:58 Asset or liability.
    1:52:00 If it’s ours, we divide it 50-50.
    1:52:00 Fair enough?
    1:52:04 And now we’re going into this relationship with knowing the rule set.
    1:52:06 So I get a big bonus at work, okay?
    1:52:10 If I put it in my account, in my sole name, I’ve protected it.
    1:52:12 We also need to have a conversation.
    1:52:16 Hey, babe, you just got that big bonus at work and you didn’t put any of it in the joint account?
    1:52:17 Like, what’s that about?
    1:52:18 Something going on that we need to talk about?
    1:52:23 Like, and again, I understand people don’t want to have uncomfortable conversations.
    1:52:39 Well, you can have, like, a series of mildly uncomfortable conversations throughout the course of a relationship or you can duck that and then have some really difficult conversations in divorce court.
    1:52:42 And to me, that’s pretty easy.
    1:52:43 Like, which of those two things I’d choose?
    1:52:52 So at its core, a prenuptial agreement can cover as many, like, people put in infidelity clauses where there are financial penalties if someone cheats.
    1:52:53 Again, I discourage it.
    1:52:55 Financial penalties?
    1:52:55 Oh, yeah.
    1:52:56 Oh, yeah.
    1:53:01 Liquidated damages, whether it’s a lump sum or a waiver of alimony if you’re caught cheating.
    1:53:10 I mean, it used to be the law of the land that if you could prove adultery, a person, at that point, typically women, because the workforce was predominantly male at that time.
    1:53:21 If you could catch – that’s why, like, the picture of a divorce lawyer with a private investigator with a telephoto lens taking pictures of someone coming out of the hotel, it’s, like, in everyone’s mind forever.
    1:53:25 Because – and by the way, people still come in to my office and they’re like, I’ve got him.
    1:53:30 I’ve got photos of him coming out of this hotel with his girlfriend.
    1:53:30 I’m like, okay.
    1:53:36 Like, you know there’s no, like, good spouse bonus and bad spouse penalty, right?
    1:53:42 Like, you don’t get, like, extra stuff because you were a super good spouse who never cheated.
    1:53:45 And you don’t lose stuff because you cheated.
    1:53:47 Like, other than maybe the marriage, you don’t lose.
    1:53:49 Like, you don’t get anything less.
    1:53:55 It’s not like you don’t get – it used to be if you could prove adultery, you waived alimony.
    1:53:58 So if this person cheated, they weren’t allowed to ask for alimony.
    1:54:01 That was abolished in the 1970s by statute.
    1:54:02 So it’s gone now.
    1:54:03 It’s not a thing anymore.
    1:54:03 So it’s no-fault divorce.
    1:54:05 No-fault divorce is the law of the land.
    1:54:08 Assets are split according to the prenup or according to the laws of the law.
    1:54:14 Again, according to the law as it stands, which has changed dramatically over 25 years in various state to state.
    1:54:17 Whereas with a prenuptial agreement, you’re agreeing on a rule set.
    1:54:25 You’re agreeing – and again, if people want to agree to weird clauses like infidelity penalties and things like that,
    1:54:26 you can do that.
    1:54:28 And lawyers, we can draft stuff like that.
    1:54:29 Who gets the dog.
    1:54:39 Listen, pet clauses, the level of – it was very funny because when the team at Trusted Prenup, I was the legal advisor piece of it, obviously.
    1:54:46 And so I was really feeding them so they could feed to this AI kind of all of these prenups I had done.
    1:54:54 And Ben, who’s our tech guy, lives in Australia, he called me up and he was like,
    1:55:01 you do know like the pet clauses are actually the most complicated and diverse out of all of the things.
    1:55:02 I believe it.
    1:55:04 And I said, yeah, do you have pets?
    1:55:05 I said, because – I’ll tell you right now.
    1:55:13 Because there are people that go so hard in the paint on pet stuff like that it’s like they have custody rotation schedules for the pets.
    1:55:17 They have clauses about what to do if there’s a conflict about veterinary decisions.
    1:55:23 And unlike children, you are most likely going to outlive your pet.
    1:55:29 And so you have to have clauses in for if this pet has to be euthanized, can we both be there?
    1:55:33 What do we do with the cremated remains of this pet?
    1:55:39 You know, if we can’t agree on a park or whatever that it’s going to be sprinkled at, should we each get half and then we can do what we want with it?
    1:55:43 Like these are things that, again, have that conversation – because here’s the thing.
    1:55:49 If we have that conversation when we are now angry at each other and breaking up, right?
    1:55:59 When hell hath no fury like a woman or a man scorned, do you think the answer is going to be a compassionate and thoughtful one that honors the relationship we both had with this companion animal?
    1:56:00 No.
    1:56:02 It’s going to be I’m keeping the ashes.
    1:56:02 Why?
    1:56:04 Because fuck you, that’s why.
    1:56:05 Like that’s the answer.
    1:56:15 Like I’ve had people explicitly say – I had a case a couple weeks ago where we went in and had like – it was supposed to be a four-way discussion, but I was doing like shuttle stuff.
    1:56:19 So I’m talking to the wife and her counsel and I’ve got my client in another conference room.
    1:56:24 And these people own like 12 properties, like really high net worth case.
    1:56:28 And I said, look, which of these properties do you want to keep?
    1:56:30 And she was like, well, which ones does he want?
    1:56:33 And I said, well, why does that matter?
    1:56:34 Or why don’t you tell me?
    1:56:37 And she’s like, well, because I want to know which ones he wants.
    1:56:39 And I said, right, but why?
    1:56:42 And she’s like, because whichever one he wants, I want those.
    1:56:44 Wow.
    1:56:49 And I said, well, that feels like you’re just trying to be contrarian.
    1:56:52 And she goes, well, no, like he’s actually a pretty shrewd investor.
    1:56:56 So whichever ones he wants are probably the best ones.
    1:56:57 So that’s actually why I want them.
    1:57:02 Now, look, whether that’s true, which seems like a fair logic, or whether it was because
    1:57:03 fuck you, that’s why.
    1:57:10 Like the time to have that conversation was not that moment where we’re at odds and we both
    1:57:10 lawyer it up.
    1:57:15 The conversation should have been had back in the day, you know, back when there was still
    1:57:17 an abundance of optimism and affection between these people.
    1:57:20 And so pet clauses, great example.
    1:57:24 Like, I think there’s tremendous value in putting that stuff in there.
    1:57:25 Because let me tell you something.
    1:57:27 Heartbreak is hard enough.
    1:57:30 Breaking up cohabitation with someone.
    1:57:31 Like, I don’t care if you’re married or not.
    1:57:35 You live with someone and now you’re not cohabitating anymore?
    1:57:36 It sucks.
    1:57:37 It sucks.
    1:57:38 We’ve all been there.
    1:57:39 It sucks, man.
    1:57:41 Like, who keeps what?
    1:57:44 And like, even if I keep a thing, like, I don’t want that anymore.
    1:57:46 Like, it just reminds me of you.
    1:57:48 Like, we got that on that trip.
    1:57:49 I don’t want to look at it, you know?
    1:57:53 Like, and I don’t want to throw it out because it’s like it was special.
    1:57:55 But I also want to look at it.
    1:57:58 So I’m going to put it in a box somewhere and hope that someday I’m going to open that
    1:57:59 box and smile.
    1:58:01 And no one else opens that box.
    1:58:03 And no one else opens that box and goes, oh, where’d you get it?
    1:58:04 Oh, nothing.
    1:58:05 You know what I mean?
    1:58:08 Like, and that’s, you know, like, this is the challenge of this.
    1:58:12 But that’s why having that conversation earlier, that’s the way it is.
    1:58:20 So for me, what prenups combined is a long list of things you can bind with prenups.
    1:58:24 What’s important is what’s the prenup that’s right for this couple?
    1:58:25 What issues are important to you?
    1:58:29 The simplest one, yours, mine, ours.
    1:58:31 50-50 divide on the hours.
    1:58:33 Yours and mine, we each keep our own.
    1:58:36 Whether that’s the stuff we had before the marriage or what, because even like states
    1:58:38 like California that have community property, okay?
    1:58:41 Community property, just to give you like a cliff notes on it.
    1:58:43 And there’s a couple of community property states.
    1:58:45 California is not the only one.
    1:58:50 So when you marry, what you own at the time of marriage is your separate property, okay?
    1:58:56 And then everything you acquire from the date of marriage forward is presumed to be marital
    1:58:56 property.
    1:58:58 You’re one person in the eyes of the law.
    1:59:03 So if you buy your wife a Rolex watch, you bought yourself one half of a Rolex watch.
    1:59:03 Okay?
    1:59:04 It doesn’t matter.
    1:59:05 Title is irrelevant.
    1:59:08 If you win the lottery, she won half the lottery, okay?
    1:59:11 So that’s how it works in the absence of a prenuptial agreement.
    1:59:16 Community property is after a certain period of time, and that period of time varies from
    1:59:17 state to state.
    1:59:18 California is seven years.
    1:59:23 Once you hit that benchmark, all the separate property is now marital property.
    1:59:25 You’re considered like fully married.
    1:59:27 You’re one person in the eyes of the law.
    1:59:28 All the mind becomes ours.
    1:59:30 All the mind becomes ours.
    1:59:33 So the you and the me both becomes part of the we.
    1:59:42 Now, in theory, the legislative intent, okay, was, yeah, after a certain number of years,
    1:59:46 you’re like the tree that’s grown in the way that now it’s inextricably.
    1:59:47 There’s no more you and me.
    1:59:48 There’s just we, right?
    1:59:50 Love that idea.
    1:59:51 Love that idea.
    1:59:52 Cool.
    1:59:54 Like very romantic concept, right?
    1:59:57 In reality, do you know what it did?
    1:59:59 It spiked the divorce rate at six and a half years.
    2:00:01 Because why?
    2:00:04 Because six and a half years, honeymoon’s over.
    2:00:09 Like that intoxication’s passed, you know, that early days intoxication’s passed.
    2:00:13 The creamer is no longer like, look at which creamer she uses.
    2:00:15 It’s like, Jesus Christ, you need that much creamer.
    2:00:16 Like, I got to go buy more creamer now.
    2:00:18 I don’t destroy my story, man.
    2:00:18 I’m not trying to.
    2:00:19 I’m not trying to.
    2:00:21 I’m just kidding.
    2:00:23 She’ll listen to this and she’ll be like, wait a second.
    2:00:24 I’m kidding.
    2:00:26 No, you were still speaking of it fondly.
    2:00:27 So I’m the divorce lawyer.
    2:00:28 I’m just joking.
    2:00:31 If I don’t bring a little black cloud to the conversation.
    2:00:35 There’s nothing you can do to puncture that memory for me.
    2:00:36 I love that.
    2:00:40 And by the way, all the more reason why it’s not silly or stupid.
    2:00:41 It’s incredible.
    2:00:43 That’s an incredible thing, you know?
    2:00:44 And we all have those things.
    2:00:49 If we’re being honest, in every relationship we’ve ever had, in every single one.
    2:00:53 Nina, my girlfriend in high school, loved Skid Row.
    2:00:54 She loved the band Skid Row.
    2:00:57 She was madly in love with Sebastian Bach from Skid Row.
    2:01:00 And I was so jealous because I looked absolutely nothing like him.
    2:01:05 And I just remember that about her, that she had a poster of Skid Row on her wall.
    2:01:07 Like, how many years ago that was?
    2:01:09 Like, she’s a mother of two.
    2:01:16 Like, she’s a, you know, but I still remember very fondly, like, sort of, like, being so insecure about Sebastian Bach from Skid Row.
    2:01:19 And her, like, kind of reassuring me, like, oh, that’s okay.
    2:01:20 I think you’re much more handsome than him.
    2:01:22 And me being like, that is so not true.
    2:01:23 He’s so good looking.
    2:01:29 But, like, we all have those memories of every single, no matter how short the relationship was, we have a memory like that.
    2:01:34 And many of them, it’s been eclipsed by the shit that happened at the end.
    2:01:36 The negative stuff that happened at the end.
    2:01:41 And, by the way, that’s another good reason to control that downside.
    2:01:50 Because you can destroy 20 years of amazing, beautiful memories with six months of litigation.
    2:01:53 All you’re going to remember is that last six months.
    2:01:54 Like, that’s it.
    2:01:59 Like, whoever said that money can’t buy love, you know, they didn’t know.
    2:02:00 It’s like a restaurant.
    2:02:01 The check comes at the end.
    2:02:04 Like, that’s when you got to pay the bill is at the end, right?
    2:02:11 If you do it the old-fashioned way, which is we’re just going to submit ourselves to a game that we don’t know the rules set of.
    2:02:14 And then when it’s ending, we’re going to let lawyers just go at each other.
    2:02:23 Or we’re going to rely on the hope that we won’t use the adversarial system and we’ll be able to sit across each other from a table with a mediator and hold hands and sing kumbaya.
    2:02:43 What you’re saying is really important, forgive me for interrupting, but because I think that nowadays there’s kind of a growing, I hear more often, like, yeah, we were, these are colleagues of mine typically, like, oh, yeah, you know, we were married, we got divorced, but, you know, we had 15 really great years.
    2:02:47 We raised our daughter and they’re still friends or at least friendly.
    2:02:58 And they look on those years or at least speak about them, I believe them, with a ton of fondness and without the major injury of what you’re talking about, which is this rough litigation at the end.
    2:03:00 So that’s another reason to have a prenup.
    2:03:03 Another great reason to have a prenup, because, look, I have an ex-wife.
    2:03:05 I’ve been divorced for 20 years.
    2:03:06 She’s been remarried for 15.
    2:03:08 Like, she’s a wonderful person.
    2:03:09 She’s a friend.
    2:03:11 I care deeply about her.
    2:03:11 She will always be.
    2:03:14 There’s a lot of people I love I wouldn’t want to be married to.
    2:03:16 And she would describe me that way.
    2:03:17 She’d be like, I love Jim.
    2:03:18 He’s a great guy.
    2:03:19 He’s a great ex-husband.
    2:03:21 I’m a much better ex-husband than I am husband.
    2:03:22 Totally different skill set.
    2:03:24 Totally different resume.
    2:03:26 I’m an excellent ex-husband.
    2:03:30 I do not have the patience to be a good husband, but I have the patience to be a good ex-husband.
    2:03:31 I can be a great co-parent, too.
    2:03:32 I’m a really good father.
    2:03:36 You know, you don’t have to be a great husband to be a great father.
    2:03:37 It’s a different skill set.
    2:03:40 Like, just because you cook doesn’t mean you can farm.
    2:03:42 You know, like, those are two different things.
    2:03:45 Yes, they both deal with food, but they’re two totally different skill sets.
    2:03:53 So, fundamentally, I think how things end very often impacts your perception and memory of the entire thing.
    2:03:58 And you, as the brain scientist, would be able to tell me why that works in terms of what actually imprints on us.
    2:04:03 But I believe, and I’m sure there’s some chemical reason for it, pain.
    2:04:06 We remember pain more than pleasure.
    2:04:10 Well, you know all this stuff about 28 days to form a habit or adult neuroplasticity.
    2:04:15 There’s something called one-trial learning, and it comes fast, and it sticks around forever,
    2:04:16 unless you do something to reverse it.
    2:04:18 And that’s the basis of trauma.
    2:04:19 Yeah.
    2:04:26 Bad, hard, painful stuff is etched into our nervous system in one trial.
    2:04:26 Yeah.
    2:04:28 Sadly, in some cases.
    2:04:29 And it shapes you.
    2:04:29 Yeah.
    2:04:32 And it changes your memory of everything that precedes it.
    2:04:39 The truth is divorce of the ugly kind is trauma, period.
    2:04:44 Like, I am involved in a tremendous amount of trauma.
    2:04:47 Trauma for each of the parties, trauma for their children.
    2:04:50 Like, it’s a tremendous trauma.
    2:04:53 And it does not have to be.
    2:04:56 Like, but here’s the problem.
    2:05:03 No one comes into my office and sits down in front of me and says,
    2:05:09 I want this to be complicated and expensive and awful.
    2:05:11 I want it to last a really long time.
    2:05:13 I want to put your kids through college instead of mine.
    2:05:17 And I just, I want it to just be just miserable.
    2:05:19 I want it to be a shit show.
    2:05:21 Everybody comes in and says the same thing.
    2:05:22 I want to be fair.
    2:05:23 I just want to be fair.
    2:05:24 I want this over with quickly.
    2:05:25 And I want to be fair.
    2:05:27 Problem is, their definition of fair
    2:05:30 and their spouse’s definition of fair are completely different.
    2:05:32 Completely different.
    2:05:35 And what they think they owe each other is completely different.
    2:05:38 And now, you both got guns on each other.
    2:05:39 You both hired lawyers.
    2:05:45 And I’ve argued both sides of every single issue you could argue in a divorce.
    2:05:48 I have argued both sides, probably in front of the same judges.
    2:05:50 I’ve had days where in front of the same judge,
    2:05:53 I argue complete opposite positions on different cases.
    2:05:56 Because that’s the nature of our job, right?
    2:06:01 And a weapon in the hands of a virtuous person protects.
    2:06:05 And a weapon in the hands of the villain causes tremendous harm.
    2:06:06 But the weapon is neutral.
    2:06:08 Like, and I’m the weapon.
    2:06:10 Like, and there’s plenty of me out there.
    2:06:12 And we get paid by the hour.
    2:06:13 And we get paid whether we win or lose, by the way.
    2:06:17 Like, personal injury lawyers, everything is no fee unless we recover for you.
    2:06:18 Not divorce lawyers.
    2:06:22 Yeah, your 56% statistic reminded me of, like, Marines.
    2:06:24 Sometimes you’ll see them with the tattoo, like,
    2:06:25 killing is my business.
    2:06:27 And on the other arm, it’s, and business is good.
    2:06:27 Business is good.
    2:06:29 You’re going to say divorce is at 56%.
    2:06:31 And business is good.
    2:06:32 Business is good.
    2:06:33 Business is really good.
    2:06:40 And, and, and the truth is, like, I don’t need to make it rain just because I sell umbrellas.
    2:06:44 Like, I’m not at a bar saying to people, like, hey, man, you could do better than her.
    2:06:45 Like, I don’t need to.
    2:06:49 Like, people are doing a fine job of fucking their relationships up all by themselves.
    2:06:50 No, you’re the love guy.
    2:06:50 Yeah.
    2:06:52 Oh, well, I happen to be.
    2:06:56 But even my colleagues, like, we’re not cheering for divorce any more than an oncologist is cheering
    2:06:57 for cancer.
    2:07:02 And like, when people say to me, oh, you make her, how do you, this guy, he makes his living
    2:07:04 in, in people’s ruined lives and heartbreak.
    2:07:07 Like, it’s like, okay, like, my mom had cancer.
    2:07:10 Like, I didn’t look at the oncologist and go, well, I bet you feel good about yourselves
    2:07:12 making money on my mom’s cancer.
    2:07:17 Like, no, I understand what, they’re not, they’re there because this exists and they’re there
    2:07:19 to try to do what they can to help.
    2:07:24 And by the way, like, there were so many people that divorced the way that you described your
    2:07:26 friend’s divorce and the way that I described mine.
    2:07:27 You just don’t hear about it.
    2:07:28 You know why?
    2:07:30 It’s the least interesting thing.
    2:07:33 Like, do you think that’s interesting?
    2:07:38 Like, if you invited me to a party and somebody said, oh, what do you do for a living?
    2:07:38 I said, I’m a divorce lawyer.
    2:07:40 And they said, oh my God, you must have some stories.
    2:07:42 And I went, oh my God, I’ve got this one.
    2:07:45 So there’s this couple and they fell in love with each other and they were quite young when
    2:07:46 it happened.
    2:07:49 And then gradually, like, they just wanted different things.
    2:07:54 They matured into different people and they sort of lost the plot of what they were together.
    2:07:59 And the Venn diagram of their overlapping interests and joys kind of got smaller and smaller.
    2:08:02 So they decided amicably that, you know, they should end the relationship, but they wanted
    2:08:04 to continue to co-parent really well.
    2:08:06 Dude, you’d be like, that is the worst story.
    2:08:10 Whereas if I go like, and then he took a chainsaw and he cut the car in half and he was like,
    2:08:11 pick which half you want, bitch.
    2:08:15 Like, that’s one that you’re going to be like, oh my God, Jim, you got to tell the story to
    2:08:16 this guy.
    2:08:18 Like, you want to hear that story.
    2:08:19 It’s so much more interesting.
    2:08:26 And by the way, people who have an ugly divorce, it’s so traumatic that it becomes part of who they
    2:08:31 are, like, it becomes a lens that they see the whole world through.
    2:08:34 It damages their trust so much and they’re so wounded by it.
    2:08:35 And it’s the fight.
    2:08:36 I mean, I often…
    2:08:39 Yeah, and they almost don’t know what to do with themselves when it’s over.
    2:08:41 And the impact on the kids and the pets.
    2:08:41 Yeah.
    2:08:47 And by the way, like, most human beings, you and I both know, when they tell you the story
    2:08:49 of their life, they’re the hero of the story.
    2:08:50 Or the victim.
    2:08:51 Or the victim, right?
    2:08:55 Like, one of the things I like about our friendship is that, like, you and I are very
    2:08:58 aware of our own flaws and cognitive biases.
    2:09:03 And so, when we talk to each other, you know, like, all of the people I like best are people
    2:09:08 that like reality, you know, and that see themselves with a certain level of reality, you know?
    2:09:11 And so, I don’t have to be afraid to, like, talk to them candidly and blunt.
    2:09:17 And I think that in marriage, like, and in divorce, if you tell the story and you’re like,
    2:09:18 yeah, I could have done better.
    2:09:19 Like, I really screwed that up.
    2:09:21 But, you know, I did get this right.
    2:09:23 And, you know, she’s being unfair when it comes to that.
    2:09:26 Like, when you tell the story and you’re not the hero of the story, it’s much more credible
    2:09:27 as far as I’m concerned.
    2:09:30 And I say that as someone who tells stories for a living, you know, in a courtroom, to
    2:09:32 try to be as persuasive as possible.
    2:09:35 I always tell my clients, I’m like, if you make yourself the hero and you make the other
    2:09:38 person the villain, like, you lose credibility tremendously.
    2:09:43 Everybody has to be like a flawed hero, a villain that has some traits of positive to them.
    2:09:45 Like, it’s a much more believable real story.
    2:09:50 The cookie cut, that’s why little kids’ TV shows, there’s like the villain and the music
    2:09:54 gets dark when the villain comes on and the hero is all good and all, but as adults, that’s
    2:09:55 not what we want.
    2:09:56 We want Breaking Bad.
    2:09:57 We want antiheroes.
    2:09:59 We want complicated heroes.
    2:10:02 We want villains that we kind of feel a little bad for, like the Joker.
    2:10:03 We get it, you know?
    2:10:04 Because we can relate.
    2:10:05 Right.
    2:10:07 Because we know that’s what we actually are.
    2:10:09 And by the way, that’s what our partners are.
    2:10:15 So this idea that let’s just put a tux on him and a white dress on her and then everybody’s
    2:10:18 heroes, like, that’s kind of silly, you know?
    2:10:28 And that’s where I think that anger that becomes toxic and definitional to a person, it doesn’t
    2:10:29 have to be that way.
    2:10:36 If, early in the discourse about love, we just normalize this idea of you’re a human
    2:10:42 being, I’m a human being, we’re flawed, we have hopes, we have fears, we have things we
    2:10:45 got right, things we get wrong, we’re going to change.
    2:10:49 We’re going to change in good and bad ways if you want to parse it that way.
    2:10:53 So how do we water the plant?
    2:10:56 Like, how do we keep this thing healthy and vibrant?
    2:10:58 How do we check in with a job?
    2:11:01 You have a job, you have performance reviews, right?
    2:11:06 You have some system whereby there’s feedback about what you’re doing right and doing wrong,
    2:11:08 or there’s a bonus structure so that there’s skin in the game.
    2:11:13 Like, why does it make it less romantic to look at our relationship that way?
    2:11:17 To say, like, hey, it’s important to check in on this stuff.
    2:11:21 It’s important to have, like, routine preventative maintenance on this thing.
    2:11:24 Like, if you said to me, like, oh, I’m taking my car for an oil change, I’d be like, what,
    2:11:25 you don’t have faith in your car?
    2:11:26 Like, no.
    2:11:27 What, do you have a cheap car?
    2:11:28 Like, no.
    2:11:30 Like, of course, preventative maintenance makes sense.
    2:11:34 It’s a whole lot better than waiting for there to be a problem and then trying to fix the problem.
    2:11:37 Well, I think it’s this business of egos, right?
    2:11:44 There’s something in the, quote, unquote, traditional courtship dance that is about, you know,
    2:11:49 sort of before people are critiquing one another, before people are commenting on the things that
    2:11:57 aren’t working, um, where, you know, it’s, it’s a, it’s a false reality, right?
    2:11:59 That you’re only seeing the good.
    2:12:00 They’re only seeing the good.
    2:12:01 Um, and it feels good.
    2:12:03 And, um.
    2:12:03 Well, sure.
    2:12:05 What wouldn’t feel good about only seeing the good?
    2:12:07 Like, the previews is the best part of the movie.
    2:12:11 If you watch the previews and you go, oh, my God, that preview was good.
    2:12:14 Haven’t you ever seen a preview and gone, oh, my God, I can’t wait to see that movie?
    2:12:16 And then you see the movie and you’re like, that sucked.
    2:12:19 Like, the only good scenes were the things that were in the preview in that two-minute preview.
    2:12:22 Like, okay, well, what do you think courtship is?
    2:12:23 Courtship’s the preview.
    2:12:27 By the way, and if the preview sucks, the movie’s really gonna suck.
    2:12:27 Yeah.
    2:12:30 Relationships are more like the deer hunter or something.
    2:12:32 It’s really, they’re long and they’re complicated.
    2:12:36 And there’s moments in it that you kind of go like, I don’t know what the point of this is,
    2:12:38 but I’m in for the ride, so let’s do it, right?
    2:12:38 Yeah.
    2:12:40 Hats off to anyone that got through the deer hunter.
    2:12:41 It’s a great movie, but it’s really long.
    2:12:42 But yeah, it takes some time to get through it.
    2:12:46 Let’s talk about movies and as a serious thing.
    2:12:47 Sure.
    2:12:52 A couple years ago, I saw you on a podcast and you were talking about the movie True Romance.
    2:12:53 Oh, sure.
    2:12:53 Sure.
    2:12:54 Love that movie.
    2:12:58 Anyone that was a teen or in their 20s and the 90s will remember that movie.
    2:13:01 Everyone should see that movie who’s old enough and mature enough to see it.
    2:13:03 I get so excited when anybody knows that movie.
    2:13:04 It’s just such an awesome movie.
    2:13:05 There’s so much in it.
    2:13:05 This is amazing.
    2:13:07 Gary Oldman.
    2:13:09 Gary Oldman, greatest scene in history.
    2:13:12 Michael Rappaport’s hilarious in that movie.
    2:13:13 Brad Pitt is in it.
    2:13:14 He has a little scene in it.
    2:13:17 I think Quentin Tarantino makes a cameo.
    2:13:18 Quentin Tarantino might make a cameo.
    2:13:18 He wrote it.
    2:13:19 He makes a cameo.
    2:13:21 Anyway, incredible movie.
    2:13:23 And Patricia Arquette, who’s just awesome.
    2:13:25 And Christian Slater at his coolest.
    2:13:25 Yeah.
    2:13:27 Very, very cool movie.
    2:13:30 And you made the excellent point, which doesn’t give away the plot.
    2:13:39 So no spoiler alert necessary, which is that, you know, the essence of the movie is really
    2:13:46 about someone seeing something or a collection of things in somebody and just thinking that
    2:13:47 they’re awesome.
    2:13:48 Yeah.
    2:13:49 I don’t want to give away any more than that.
    2:13:50 I want to, you know.
    2:13:50 Yeah.
    2:13:56 And just that kind of appreciation for quirkiness and uniqueness.
    2:14:01 The two protagonists of the film, without giving anything away, are deeply flawed.
    2:14:03 Like, they’re deeply flawed.
    2:14:08 By any traditional definition, they are not something that you would go, oh, this is the
    2:14:09 perfect romantic partner.
    2:14:10 It’s actually quite the opposite.
    2:14:11 Yeah.
    2:14:13 Their histories alone are a reason to walk away.
    2:14:16 On paper, there’s a lot of reasons to just walk away from this person.
    2:14:18 And they meet.
    2:14:21 And there is this instant true romance.
    2:14:26 There is this sense of, like, I see you for what you actually are.
    2:14:33 And all that negative stuff on paper, that means nothing because that’s not who you are.
    2:14:35 I see who you are.
    2:14:37 And I’m cheering for you.
    2:14:39 And you are so cool.
    2:14:42 Like, that’s the reality.
    2:14:46 And that, to me, movie still stands up for that reason.
    2:14:52 Because it’s this sense of being seen with all your warts and all.
    2:14:55 And just being, I see you.
    2:14:56 And you see me.
    2:14:58 And it’s you and me.
    2:14:59 It’s you and me.
    2:15:00 Let’s do this.
    2:15:03 Like, you know, let’s hold hands and walk this thing together.
    2:15:05 And it’s a game you cannot win.
    2:15:07 And we’re going to play it to the utmost.
    2:15:09 Like, let’s just play this thing through.
    2:15:11 And it doesn’t get better than that.
    2:15:12 Yeah, you nailed it.
    2:15:14 You nailed the description.
    2:15:21 I feel that in contrast to how you described, I think, very aptly, social media as an advertisement
    2:15:32 of a life to aspire to, even if it’s not possible to have, I felt for a long while that movies
    2:15:41 and television and books and music were advertisements for exactly what you just described.
    2:15:47 The uniqueness and the quirkiness of relationships that are not typical.
    2:15:49 There’s nothing generic about them.
    2:15:56 Even if the decision to, the bond, the legal bond, the marriage, you know, marriage is
    2:15:58 marriage is marriage is marriage.
    2:16:03 I mean, there’s some subtleties depending on state and conditions, but each one of those
    2:16:03 is unique.
    2:16:05 The right people found one another.
    2:16:09 So there’s something really quite beautiful and special about that picture, right?
    2:16:10 True romance, right?
    2:16:17 As seeing the quirkiness, the everyday things, and as you said, a teammate perspective, right?
    2:16:19 One plus one equals three.
    2:16:19 There’s tremendous value.
    2:16:20 Tremendous value.
    2:16:29 That’s in very stark contrast to what I think many people experience now, where they have
    2:16:35 their relationship, but then they also have visual and movie access to all these other relationships
    2:16:36 in the form of social media.
    2:16:42 They’re always being presented with other options of at least how things exist for other people.
    2:16:48 And so I believe, again, the biologist in me thinks this sets a kind of a yearning for something
    2:16:49 that one doesn’t have.
    2:16:53 Because ultimately, all the good stuff we’ve talked about, whether or not it’s dogs or a
    2:16:59 person or the pizza story, the creamer story, whatever, is about basking in the completeness
    2:17:02 of what one already has as opposed to needing more or wanting more.
    2:17:08 So would you say that social media, not to, I mean, I teach on social media, you’re on social
    2:17:14 media, but let’s be honest, that it in some way may be poisonous to things like appreciation,
    2:17:18 fidelity, not just because you can meet people there, but because of the yearning that it
    2:17:19 creates.
    2:17:24 Look, you know, you, you, while you were, while you were saying that, all I could reflect
    2:17:30 on was a prior conversation you had on a podcast about pornography and the effect that it has
    2:17:34 on us and our perception of sex, our dopamine, all these other things.
    2:17:36 Yeah, because young guys are writing to me about this all the time.
    2:17:37 Rom-coms are porn.
    2:17:39 That’s all rom-coms.
    2:17:44 Listen, I’m not saying that there’s not a purpose in having an ideal, a romanticized ideal,
    2:17:50 but, but most romantic comedies are not true romance, a story about two flawed characters
    2:17:55 who, you know, like most rom-coms are like an ideal, right?
    2:18:01 They’re a romanticized ideal that by the way, ends before reality can kick in.
    2:18:06 So like, if you think Jack, I forget what her character, Kate Winslet’s character was on
    2:18:11 Titanic, but like, if you think he’d lived at the end of Titanic, that a few years later,
    2:18:13 she wouldn’t be like, all right, enough painting the French girls.
    2:18:14 Like, you got to get a job, buddy.
    2:18:19 Like, you’re telling me, like most of these movies, you know, these rom-coms, they end
    2:18:22 at like the high, I love you, I’ve always loved you, I love you too.
    2:18:23 And then it ends.
    2:18:24 They don’t ever have to live together.
    2:18:29 They don’t ever have to, you don’t have to ever see like the actual reality of them at
    2:18:32 Trader Joe’s waiting on the line, like arguing over what to, you know, like-
    2:18:33 He doesn’t find someone else.
    2:18:34 He doesn’t find somebody else.
    2:18:36 He’s not on, sitting on the couch scrolling when she’s trying to talk to him.
    2:18:38 Oh, so she would have expired the age limit.
    2:18:39 Right, absolutely.
    2:18:39 It’s like Menudo.
    2:18:41 He like, you turned 20, you’re out.
    2:18:42 I’m going to get in trouble for that one.
    2:18:44 Well, I think it’s not public knowledge.
    2:18:51 So I think at the end of the day, what’s really core here is, look, I’m not saying let’s get
    2:18:52 rid of pornography.
    2:18:53 Like I have two sons.
    2:18:54 They’re adults now.
    2:18:59 But when they were young, they got to a certain age, they had phones, they had iPads, we had
    2:19:00 the internet.
    2:19:04 And I was like, they’re going to encounter pornography because it’s coming at them in a way that it
    2:19:06 did not come at me when I was that age.
    2:19:09 Like as I was that age, you had to like trade like a bunch of things you had to get someone’s
    2:19:13 dad’s porn magazine for like a day so that you could look at it.
    2:19:19 You couldn’t just log on to any device and be inundated with any kind of kink you wanted
    2:19:19 to see.
    2:19:20 Yeah, it’s inconceivable.
    2:19:22 It’s not even fathomable.
    2:19:24 And I don’t know what effect.
    2:19:25 I mean, you know better than I do.
    2:19:28 And you’ve spoken eloquently about it, about the effect that has on the organism.
    2:19:29 But here’s what I will tell you.
    2:19:36 It definitely creates in people a, if sex, if your sex education is pornography, you’re
    2:19:40 going to have a really hard time navigating an actual sexual relationship.
    2:19:45 And by the way, like I’ve seen pornography and I’ve had sex.
    2:19:51 Sex is not like it is in pornography, but it’s great.
    2:19:54 Like it’s still so fun.
    2:19:56 It’s like the most fun thing.
    2:20:00 So I don’t know why like anybody would be like, oh, we got to make it better.
    2:20:02 Like sex is great.
    2:20:02 Like it’s great.
    2:20:04 Sex sells sex.
    2:20:05 You don’t need to put all that on it.
    2:20:07 Like I understand why.
    2:20:08 Yes, of course.
    2:20:12 Like you want to, you want, it’s just like what they do to French fries at a fast food restaurant.
    2:20:13 They figure out ways to make them more addictive.
    2:20:14 You know, I get it.
    2:20:17 But, but same thing with rom-coms.
    2:20:23 Like rom-coms is an idealized, stylized version of the best part of all of it.
    2:20:24 Just like porn.
    2:20:30 So like if you make your relationship, like your sexual relationship based on pornography
    2:20:33 or what looks good in movies, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.
    2:20:35 So same thing with rom-coms.
    2:20:39 Same thing with like, I’ve met my soulmate and that’s my soulmate.
    2:20:41 And then it’s perfect and it stays perfect.
    2:20:44 And if it’s not perfect, then they mustn’t have been my soulmate.
    2:20:46 Like all that is, is pornography.
    2:20:51 All that is, is taking the dream life, the stylized, perfect parts, showing just that.
    2:20:54 And then convincing people that’s what it’s supposed to look like.
    2:20:57 And if it doesn’t look like that, you’re not having a satisfying time.
    2:21:02 Like the reality is, is that people are flawed, but we want the same thing.
    2:21:08 We want, look, I don’t believe that the path of like, I’m going to own 50, like you
    2:21:15 and I both know men who own every car you could ever want and could sleep with any number of
    2:21:19 gorgeous women, three, four at a time if they want to.
    2:21:20 And they’re unhappy.
    2:21:22 They’re desperately unhappy.
    2:21:29 Like I represent people who have a net worth of you and I combined times a hundred and they’re
    2:21:33 miserable because they don’t have love.
    2:21:37 They don’t have this basic connection with another person.
    2:21:44 They don’t have the sense of who they are as an object of someone’s love and the worth that
    2:21:47 comes from them, which by the way is foundational.
    2:21:53 Like look at a baby, like look at a baby and look at how they look at their mother.
    2:21:56 Like mom is the name of God on the lips of children.
    2:22:02 Like there’s something about like this thing loves me and wants what’s best for me.
    2:22:08 Like we come out half formed and there’s this person that just loves us, right?
    2:22:13 Like, and so of course we’re always looking to find that again, that kind of love and that
    2:22:14 kind of connection.
    2:22:20 And there are people that find it, but the way they find it is not through fairy tales.
    2:22:23 It’s not through the romanticized version of pornography.
    2:22:24 It’s through realism.
    2:22:30 I think one of the reasons why, you know, I hear from so many young men about their challenges
    2:22:34 with pornography, which tells me that they’ve defaulted to pornography or that there are
    2:22:37 elements of it that have gotten them quote unquote addicted or at least in a compulsive
    2:22:38 way with it.
    2:22:46 And I also frankly hear from a lot of women that are frustrated with men dating apps and
    2:22:53 this kind of thing is that people are very afraid, I think in large part because of what
    2:22:58 you’re describing with social media and other forms of media, but also just by virtue of the
    2:23:06 way that everything is shared so much now that people are afraid to reveal any kind of flaws or
    2:23:11 authenticity in themselves, unless it’s the kind that they can leverage to make themselves seem more
    2:23:12 attractive or something.
    2:23:18 Because, you know, if they go out on a date or let’s say they share a first kiss or something
    2:23:22 that if they’re not a great kisser that, you know, she’s going to tell all her friends or,
    2:23:28 or worse, put it on an app or something that, you know, where his name is named or he’s going
    2:23:33 to sleep with her and, and then might even share photos of it with people covertly.
    2:23:38 I mean, things that are illegal slash just, just breaches of trust.
    2:23:46 Like the, the contract of, of trust that is purely, I don’t know, for lack of a better word,
    2:23:51 it’s kind of a spiritual contract where you say, Hey, listen, like, I don’t know if this is
    2:23:55 going to work. You don’t know if this is going to work. I’m willing to wager in a healthy way,
    2:24:00 some of my own safety by revealing some things that aren’t, aren’t like super great about myself.
    2:24:04 And maybe you’ll do the same or maybe you won’t. And I’ll just feel okay. Just with the way it
    2:24:15 lands. That seems more rare nowadays. Sure. Because it’s brave. It’s brave. Like I, I grew up,
    2:24:23 I wanted to be brave. Like I aspired to being brave. Like I, my heroes growing up were from Last
    2:24:30 of the Mohicans, right? La Lone Carabine, you know, the, the, like they were samurai, like in,
    2:24:35 in the films, like the Moya Moshashi films, you know, all those kinds of films. And so if you’re
    2:24:43 not scared, it’s not brave. Like it’s only brave if you’re scared and you do it anyway. Like that’s
    2:24:47 the thing that makes it brave. Like, and that’s the thing where we’re not teaching young men anymore
    2:24:53 is it’s like, yeah, it’s scary. It’s so much easier to just be like, yeah, women don’t mean anything.
    2:24:57 Women just, they’re disposable. They’re like iPhones. I’ll get a new one. It’ll have different features.
    2:25:01 It’ll be great. Like, you think Andrew Tate’s brave? Like Andrew Tate’s brave because he fights
    2:25:06 Muay Thai. That’s brave. That’s brave. Like even ground with another man, bare hands. Let’s do this
    2:25:11 thing. Yeah, that’s brave. But having a bunch of women and sort of not committing to any of them,
    2:25:15 not having, being vulnerable to any of them, this is what’s brave about. There’s nothing brave about
    2:25:21 that. Like what’s brave is I’m going to give you the ammo to hurt me. Like I’m going to give you the
    2:25:26 ability to hurt me. Like, and, and I’m, and I’m going to do it anyway. Like, and I’m, I’m scared,
    2:25:31 but, but I’m going to do it anyway. And that’s what makes it brave. And I think that that’s the thing
    2:25:36 we’ve just lost in this culture is this. And, and that’s where I think it’s so backwards. Like
    2:25:41 that we go, well, a prenup, a prenup’s antithet, like it goes to the opposite direction. Like,
    2:25:44 because a prenup is you’re saying, well, I don’t believe in this thing. It only works if you,
    2:25:52 that’s insane. That’s insane to say that, you know, if you don’t, if you take any precautions
    2:25:59 at all or give any, or by the way, more accurately, that if you don’t trust it to the legislature of
    2:26:04 your state, that you’re not being brave, like that’s insane. It’s brave to merge your destiny
    2:26:10 with that of another person. It’s brave to let someone see what you’re afraid of, what you hope
    2:26:18 for and aspire to. Those are all like divorce is intimacy weaponized. Like it’s, it’s, it’s,
    2:26:24 and I say it as someone who’s been in the room with thousands of people going through it. And I mean,
    2:26:33 the pain and terror of this person who in hushed tones, you whispered to them, all the things you’re
    2:26:39 most afraid of when you trusted them more than anyone. And now they’re going to use that against
    2:26:47 you in a public forum, in a courtroom. Like, my God, man, I thank God. I have no idea what that feels
    2:26:58 like to have done to me. Like it’s must be horrible. But, but again, like it’s, is it worth it to try?
    2:27:05 Is it worth it? Yes. But I think having conversations from the beginning about, listen,
    2:27:09 we’ve got to figure out, like, is this the kind of person who’s going to hurt? Are you going to hurt?
    2:27:15 If you’re mad at me, if I tell you something you don’t want to hear, are you going to throw at me
    2:27:20 these intimate things I shared with you? Because if you are, pull the ripcord now and get out.
    2:27:27 Like, get out. Like, if you tell, I’ve had guys come to me, successful people come to me and say,
    2:27:31 yeah, I told her I want a prenup. And she was like, you know, well, if you have a, if we have a prenup,
    2:27:36 I’m leaving. That’s it. I’m like, okay, then let her leave, man. Like, because if, if that’s all,
    2:27:41 if you’re saying, I love you, I love you more than anyone in the world and I’ll love you forever.
    2:27:45 Great. Could you, we sign this contract? Absolutely not. But then that’s it. I don’t even want to see
    2:27:51 you again. Wow. That changed fast. Cause like a minute ago, you loved me more than anything in
    2:27:55 the world and you would never let me go under any circumstances and you never hurt me. And now I just
    2:28:00 told you that there’s a financial concern I have about letting the legislature make decisions about
    2:28:05 our future. And you’ve now decided you don’t even like me anymore. And we’re out. That’s a hell of a
    2:28:11 jump. Yeah. Good data there. Yeah. But, but I mean that, how do you reconcile that? Like if they say,
    2:28:16 wow, why are you, why do you want that? Do you not have faith in our relationship? Now let’s have a
    2:28:19 conversation. No, of course, of course I have faith in our relationship. Why would I want to marry you
    2:28:24 otherwise? Like, and what is it you’re afraid of? Are you afraid that the contract will be lopsided?
    2:28:31 Because here’s the thing. I want it to not be like, I want to know what you’re like, you know, I, I was
    2:28:35 having a conversation with, with the trusted prenup guys and we were talking about marketing prenups.
    2:28:40 Like how do you market prenups to people? And they were saying like, you know, like, yeah,
    2:28:44 when you talk about it deepens the relationship and connection, okay, that’s a very feminine
    2:28:50 aspiration. Like that’s a good way to sell prenups to women, right? Is to say it’s going to, the
    2:28:53 conversations are going to deepen the connection and there’s going to be this sense of like, hey,
    2:28:58 we’re talking about what we expect of each other, what we’re afraid of. And I was saying, well, for,
    2:29:03 for me, I think a great entry point for men in heterosexual relationships is to say,
    2:29:08 hey, you want your woman to feel safe, right? Like she’s with you. She’s safe. You know,
    2:29:12 her heart is safe. Her body is safe. Like you’re going to keep her safe.
    2:29:13 Yeah. Provider protector.
    2:29:18 Yeah. Provider protector. Right. So one of the best things about being a man, right? Is the feeling of
    2:29:23 like, I love that. Like I, you don’t test that theory. Like say to any man, I can’t open this jar.
    2:29:28 We go, okay, give me, look at that. Here you go. Like, you know, we’re thrilled for that
    2:29:33 opportunity. We all want to provide and protect. So, okay. Why do we not turn the
    2:29:38 conversation about prenups into how can she feel loved if she doesn’t feel safe?
    2:29:44 So, okay. In that situation where he has more resources than her and she says, you know,
    2:29:50 I’d like to be a mom someday, or there’s a good chance I’d be a mom someday. So if I’m going to
    2:29:55 be the primary caretaker of our children and your career is going to stay your focus so you can provide,
    2:30:03 then you’re going to get way ahead of me in the race in terms of economics. So we need to figure
    2:30:08 out like how we would deal with that imbalance. Who would say that’s not a fair conversation?
    2:30:13 Who would say that? Now, look, if you bring it up when we’ve decided we hate each other and the
    2:30:17 relationship is over and I’ve been sleeping with my secretary, okay. Yeah. Now I get why you don’t
    2:30:22 want to have a fair conversation about that. But at the beginning, when we’re still abundance of
    2:30:28 optimism, we’re still feeling positive about this, would any man say, well, you’re being greedy. You’re
    2:30:31 being a gold tigger. No, you’d say, hey, listen, of course, like you’re going to make certain
    2:30:37 sacrifices and focus on certain things. And, you know, I rarely have ever met a couple, a happy couple
    2:30:44 that they go, we brought the exact same things to the relationship. She’s a great provider and I’m a
    2:30:44 great provider.
    2:30:46 No, a complimentarity is what it’s about.
    2:30:51 Of course. Right. And so say that out loud to each other. I, maybe you don’t want to announce it to
    2:30:55 everybody and put it on your social media, but you can talk to each other privately about, hey,
    2:30:59 what do we owe each other? What do we expect of each other? If we split up, what should it look like?
    2:31:04 What would you need? What would I need? And you can talk about that in very practical ways. And I don’t
    2:31:09 think that that, I think that’s actually quite romantic because what you’re saying is I want you to feel
    2:31:16 safe. I want you to feel safe that even if, because I don’t, I’ll tell you for me, even just selfishly,
    2:31:21 I don’t want you here because you don’t know what you’re going to do economically if we split up.
    2:31:27 It’s not a good reason to stay with me. I want you to want me next to you because you like me.
    2:31:32 You like having me around. Your life is better for my presence in it on a day-to-day basis.
    2:31:38 Not that, well, who’s going to pay my rent? You know, I’d want, you know what? I’ll pay your rent.
    2:31:42 You can have your rent paid. Are you still here? Because if someone says, if I say, hey,
    2:31:47 if I paid you, like somebody said to me the other day, if somebody gave you a hundred million dollars,
    2:31:51 would you still do your job? Would you still be a lawyer? And I was like, absolutely. Absolutely.
    2:31:55 Would I do it at the level I’m doing it currently? Would I be as stressed about it as I currently am?
    2:31:59 Probably not, but I would still do the job because I love the job, you know? And the answer is,
    2:32:03 if you had a hundred million dollars tomorrow, would you still do the podcast? If the answer is no, stop.
    2:32:06 I’ve said this before, it’s still true. I check in with myself now and again,
    2:32:12 you offered me a billion dollars to quit the podcast. No, I just love it. I love my team.
    2:32:15 I love learning. I love teaching. End of story.
    2:32:21 Right. And so, and by the way, let’s take that further, right? You get tremendous value out of it
    2:32:28 and the people who are participating in it, audience and the co-producers of it all get something out of
    2:32:32 it too. This is a totally wonderful economy. Everyone’s getting some advertisers getting something
    2:32:37 out of it. Everyone’s getting something out of it. It’s like win, win, win for everybody involved,
    2:32:42 right? Okay. So in the relationship between a man and a woman or a man and a man and a woman and a
    2:32:46 woman because of marriage equality in an, in a romantic relationship, in a marriage,
    2:32:53 what, if you said to your partner, I’ll give you $10 million to give up this person. If the answer
    2:33:00 is see ya, then that’s not the person to be with. Definitely not. Okay. So, so I would rather have
    2:33:07 that conversation early on. Like if you want to talk about barriers to exit, by the way, you can put
    2:33:12 anything you want in a prenup. So you could put in financial terms in a prenup that will give this
    2:33:19 person a financial windfall. I had a client who was a young man in his thirties. He was a Goldman. I can
    2:33:25 say that. And, uh, he was worth like 30, 40 million bucks at the age of 30. So he was in the beginning of
    2:33:31 his career. I mean, he was going to do well in life. That’s a lot of money. And he was marrying a yoga
    2:33:40 teacher who made like no money at all. Stunningly beautiful, funny, brilliant, like just insightful,
    2:33:46 spiritual. He was very quant, very analytical. And she just lightened him up and was adventurous and
    2:33:52 fun. It was very barefoot in the park. It was very like, he kind of reeled her in a little and she pulled
    2:33:57 him out of his comfort zone. And it was like a really nice coupling. And they did this prenup.
    2:34:03 And of course they both lawyered up with good lawyers, right? So he hired me and she hired a
    2:34:09 colleague of mine at a great firm in the city who I have a lot of cases with. And, um, the lawyers went
    2:34:14 at our thing, you know? And so I put in a waiver of any alimony, spousal support. And the other side
    2:34:18 came back and said, no, no, if they’re married this many years, it’s this percent. And if it’s this many
    2:34:23 years, it’s that percent. So I go to my client because this is kind of a negotiation, but it’s with a
    2:34:27 person who he’s been going home to every night because they’re cohabitating already, you know?
    2:34:31 And I say to him, like, listen, they want this structure and this amount for it. And he goes,
    2:34:36 yeah, just like put like 5 million bucks. I was like, I’m sorry, wait, what? And he goes,
    2:34:40 yeah. Like if we get divorced, she gets 5 million bucks. I was like, wait, if you get divorced in a
    2:34:46 month, cause she’s sleeping with a, her tennis instructor, she gets 5 million bucks. And he’s
    2:34:51 like, yeah, you know what? If we get divorced, I got bigger problems. Like just, you know, like,
    2:34:56 yeah, just like, you know, I’ll know that if she’s staying, I’ll know she likes me more than 5
    2:35:01 million bucks. So that’s good. Good for him. And I thought, you know what? Like that is gangster in
    2:35:07 a good way. Like I loved that. And they’re still married. Like, and that was probably 10 years ago,
    2:35:12 you know? And, and, and they’re tragic. They got a couple of kids now. Like, and I, I went in that
    2:35:16 moment. I remember thinking, yeah, they’re going to be fine. Probably these two, you know,
    2:35:21 it never hurts. And it often helps to be generous. I mean, I mean, sometimes generosity,
    2:35:26 people will look back on their generosity and actually, no, I can’t think of a single instance
    2:35:32 where, you know, I was maybe even pushed myself to be a bit more generous than I, my impulse at the
    2:35:38 time would have had me be. And, and didn’t think like in retrospect, that was the right thing to do.
    2:35:43 I mean, I, I, you know, haven’t dealt with circumstances of a, having that much money or B doing a
    2:35:48 prenup. Um, well, if you have that much money, it doesn’t really mean anything anymore.
    2:35:52 Like I represent, I have a couple of billionaire clients. Like one of my clients worth $8 billion.
    2:35:58 You know, it’s like Stalin said, the death of one is a tragedy. The death of a million is a statistic.
    2:36:04 Like I think if I said to you, Andrew, great news, you’ve won $150 million. I’m sorry,
    2:36:11 $130 million. You wouldn’t go, ah, like the numbers on a page are numbers on a page.
    2:36:15 It starts to feel like a drop in the ocean. There’s just no, you couldn’t possibly spend
    2:36:21 that amount of money. Right. The amount of money that money makes on an annual basis,
    2:36:26 just in interest alone is insane. So. Well, the joy in being generous is the opportunity,
    2:36:31 at least in this instance, or something parallel to it is the opportunity to do something that for
    2:36:35 someone else would be quite meaningful. Yeah. And for you just feels good to do. Yeah. You know,
    2:36:39 one would hope that he didn’t say give her five because five didn’t feel like anything. I mean,
    2:36:45 if he’s got, no, I think he felt, he felt that was not his reason. This is not a man who did not take
    2:36:51 money seriously. He made his bones in it. But I think what he was saying is, well, there’s no way
    2:36:58 that $5 million isn’t enough for her to be okay. And I want her to be okay. I want her to be safe.
    2:37:05 I want her to feel right. And he was saying, you know, cause look, when you marry someone the right
    2:37:11 way, or even cohabitate with someone, or even get in a relationship with someone, you’re kind of handing
    2:37:19 them a dagger and saying, okay, here you go. Here you go. Like you can, if you want to, it’s yours.
    2:37:24 Like if you want to stab me with that, you got, here it is. Here’s my soft spots. I’m going to show
    2:37:29 you where they all are. Like, and I’m giving you that. And again, I think that’s the bravest thing
    2:37:33 in the world. And I think it’s the coolest thing in the world. Oh man. I’ve done it a number of times.
    2:37:37 Sometimes it ends well. Sometimes it doesn’t end well, but I’ll tell you. Um, and by the way,
    2:37:43 with enough time, both of those, there’s something really like beautiful about them. I mean, look,
    2:37:48 I’m, I, I’ve been reflecting on this a lot lately and I don’t want to pivot to my unique circumstances,
    2:37:53 but you know, since I was, um, probably since I was an embryo, but since I was old enough to remember,
    2:38:00 I’m interested and on the adventure of life. Yeah. And you’re a romantic at heart. I mean,
    2:38:05 that’s a function of our, like our friendship is born of the fact that I think you’re a romantic
    2:38:12 at heart. And I think you’re, I think the people who have had their ass kicked by love and still go,
    2:38:16 yeah, I’m going to do it again. Let’s do it. Put me back in. I love that. Put me back in.
    2:38:22 I love that. And by the way, that’s the statistic that everybody forgets, which is 56% of marriages
    2:38:27 end in divorce and 85% of people who get divorced are remarried within five years.
    2:38:32 That’s an incredible statistic. It’s an incredible statistic. And I, and I, and I usually, I do their
    2:38:37 prenup. I tell all of my clients, by the way, that if I did your litigated divorce, I will do
    2:38:43 any prenup for you for any subsequent marriage for free. And I’ve only had three clients take me up on it.
    2:38:46 So people are braver than one might think.
    2:38:54 I think so. I think, look, I think discretion is the better part of all valor. So I think
    2:39:03 I’m a fan of bravery, but I’m also a pragmatic human being. And I think there is value in saying,
    2:39:10 okay, let’s dive into this thing. Let’s do it brave. Let’s do it. But see, again, I think bravery
    2:39:16 on the front end, which is bravely having a conversation about what does this look like
    2:39:22 if we hurt each other? What if we end up like the majority of people? What do we do? Like,
    2:39:27 what do we do? You know? And there’s, there’s value in that conversation. Come on. Any heterosexual man
    2:39:31 is going to tell you they’ve been in a conversation with the woman in their life where she goes,
    2:39:36 if I was missing a leg, would you still love me? And you’re like, what, where did that come from?
    2:39:41 Like, you know, like, cause what’s the person saying? They’re saying, Hey, you know, like if I
    2:39:48 wasn’t exactly who I am, like what parts of me would you have to lose for, for me to do not love me
    2:39:52 anymore? Like, I understand that question for what it is. I mean, to some degree, it’s a thought
    2:39:57 exercise. It’s anecdotal. It’s funny, you know? And my response to it is always like a whole leg,
    2:40:01 forget it. Like you break a nail amount. You know, my response? Yeah. I’d love you more.
    2:40:05 Yeah. Yeah. And then they go, wait, what are you, what are you into? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You’d be like,
    2:40:10 well, we even play hopscotch. I don’t know. No, I just, the idea is, I mean, I think the, the,
    2:40:14 the question is such a beautiful one because it’s a, it’s a question of vulnerability,
    2:40:18 vulnerability, right? Yeah. It’s saying if I were, cause generally people aren’t asking,
    2:40:24 Hey, if I, um, you know, gained 50 pounds. Yeah. Would you still love me? Yeah. You know,
    2:40:30 a missing leg is, is more dramatic, but at the same time it, it’s, so it preserves certain things while
    2:40:34 it, um, while it removes a certain thing. Yeah. It’s very, it’s very well defined.
    2:40:40 There’s another way to look at it. You know, there was a, so I grew up watching LA law. I think it’s part
    2:40:44 of the reason why I became a lawyer is I loved that show. I tried watching it recently. It’s up on
    2:40:49 one of the streaming services and it didn’t age well. Um, but I, I grew up watching.
    2:40:52 Because of a lack of political correctness by today’s standards. Yeah. And also like some of
    2:40:57 the plots and like there’s gender stuff in there that you’re like, Oh my God, you know? And it’s
    2:41:00 also as a lawyer, I, it’s very hard as a lawyer to watch lawyer shows. Cause you’re like, that would
    2:41:04 never happen. Objection leading. Like you find yourself going like this. None of my friends that
    2:41:09 were in a special operations can watch a movie. Yeah, exactly. They just can’t. You can’t. It’s
    2:41:14 too painful. It’s physically painful to do it. Right. But, but I grew up watching it and I wanted to be
    2:41:18 that’s played this really cool criminal defense attorney called Victor Sefuentes and he had an
    2:41:21 earring and I was like, I’m going to be him. Instead, I ended up becoming Arnie Becker, which
    2:41:26 was the divorce lawyer on the show that, you know, like no Corbin Bernson played him. And, uh, I’d never
    2:41:30 imagined that’s who I would grow up to be, but it definitely created in me this love of the law.
    2:41:34 But there was a character on the show named Benny and he was developmentally disabled and he worked in
    2:41:43 like the copy room and he, um, has a crush on this secretary. And she says something to him about,
    2:41:47 well, I’m, I’m trying, like, she’s eating a salad and he says, well, why are you eating that for lunch?
    2:41:51 Like, you know, that’s doesn’t look very good. And she says, well, I, I want to be skinnier.
    2:41:55 And he says, why do you want to be skinnier? And she says, well, cause if, if, you know,
    2:42:00 if I lost 20 pounds, you know, I’d be prettier. And he says, no, you’d just be smaller.
    2:42:07 And there’s a simplicity to that. That’s completely honest. Like, no, there’d just be less of you.
    2:42:11 You know, like when someone says, if I gained 50 pounds, would you still love me?
    2:42:18 I hear that as both a, a thought experiment be, uh, you’re looking for me to reassure you how much I
    2:42:24 love you. But also what you’re saying is if something changed, like what about me can change? And what
    2:42:29 about me can’t like, what would be the things about me that could change? Cause by the way,
    2:42:36 sometimes things change totally beyond our control. You know, the, the tumor is what made you gain
    2:42:41 weight. It wasn’t that you liked Big Macs. Like, so if it, if, if you gained weight because you were
    2:42:46 irresponsible in your eating habits versus you gained weight because of the tumor, these are two very
    2:42:51 different circumstances. But if what the person is saying is, what do you love about me and what about me
    2:42:59 could change? And, and I would lose your love potentially. Again, what is that conversation, but the prenup
    2:43:06 conversation? It’s what do we mean to each other? What do we owe to each other? Where do we store value in this
    2:43:14 relationship? And when it changes, not if, when it changes, what changes can we communicate? How can we
    2:43:21 communicate about what those changes feel like? Cause here’s the thing. If we’re having less sex 10 years
    2:43:29 into the relationship, I don’t think that’s abnormal. Like when you’re first dating, the amount of sex
    2:43:35 you’re having and the amount of sex you’re having 10 years later with two kids is probably going to be
    2:43:40 different and probably less. Does that mean something’s wrong in your relationship? Not necessarily.
    2:43:45 Like you’re also aging. That might change. Your testosterone levels change. Maybe her body changes
    2:43:49 when you had kids. Who knows? By the way, if you’re having more sex, does it mean your relationship’s
    2:43:57 healthy? Not necessarily. Right? So the question becomes is when things change, how will we check in
    2:44:03 about it? Because I don’t think, let’s just pretend everything’s exactly the same and it’s fine. It’s fine.
    2:44:08 It’s fine. I don’t think that’s the answer. I think that’s what gets us a 56% divorce rate.
    2:44:16 I’ve heard it said that men marry women thinking that they’re not going to change. Women marry men
    2:44:22 thinking they will change. And therein lies the challenge. It’s just a saying, but…
    2:44:26 Yeah. I mean, there’s a lot of good axioms. The one I’ve heard before that I think is similar
    2:44:33 is that women marry the man they want to spend the rest of their life with and men marry the woman
    2:44:38 they don’t want to imagine the rest of their life without. That’s a more romantic version of it.
    2:44:45 So women are parsing it in the imagined future with this person and men are thinking about the
    2:44:52 imagined future loss. I’ve spent a lot of time in the room with people who have recently been caught
    2:45:00 or caught their spouse cheating. And the most common question the man wants to know is,
    2:45:06 did you fuck him? And the most common question the women want to know is, do you love her?
    2:45:14 And that says something about value for those two people. Because for the man, it’s like,
    2:45:22 did you betray me physically, right? And for the woman, it’s like, do I have no value to you
    2:45:27 anymore? Do you not love me? Do you want this person more than you want me? It’s more about
    2:45:33 the value than the sex necessarily, right? And again, I’m not saying all men. I’m not saying all
    2:45:40 women. But I think there is a sense in men, a lot of the men, I say this even in my personal
    2:45:45 relationships with male friends, that they’re like, yeah, like once they find someone that they’re
    2:45:49 like, yeah, I just can’t imagine like her not being here. And they marry because they’re like,
    2:45:53 I got to marry her or else I’m going to lose her. You know, like I’ve never met a guy who was like,
    2:45:58 I can’t wait for my wedding day. And I’ve imagined my tux and I just can’t wait. Like,
    2:46:03 it’s not, it’s just not something men, I don’t know a lot of men that like could dreaming of their
    2:46:07 wedding day. Whereas I know a lot of women, again, some of that’s cultural that we’ve been shoving
    2:46:11 weddings down women’s throats and you get to be a princess for a day and wear the dress and
    2:46:15 everyone’s paying attention to you because the bride’s the star of the show, you know, I get it.
    2:46:21 But, but there is also something about the idea that like, you know, most of the men I know,
    2:46:24 they’re like, yeah, we got married. Cause it’s like, you know, like, that’s what you do. Like,
    2:46:27 you make an honest woman of her, you know, like that’s her parents would have killed me if we
    2:46:30 didn’t get married. Her friends were all getting married. So it was like, you know, all of her
    2:46:33 friends, she’s been a bridesmaid eight times. Like I was like, it’s about time, you know,
    2:46:38 whereas women very often it’s like, where is this going? Where is this going? Are we moving?
    2:46:44 And again, there’s probably a myriad of reasons, evolutionary, biological, having to do with
    2:46:50 procreation. There’s lots of cultural, religious, there’s all kinds of, but at the end we are where
    2:46:58 we are in that equation. And I think marriage is something most men are like, okay, if that’s the
    2:47:03 price, like if I got to buy that ticket to take the ride, I like the ride. I don’t want to lose the
    2:47:04 ride. I don’t want to lose this person.
    2:47:12 Oh man. I’m just, I’m not, I’m not necessarily agreeing with you, but like, I can just hear the
    2:47:17 voices in people’s heads about the, really, is that passive for men? You know, they’re sort of like,
    2:47:22 it sounds like almost like a passive response. Like, yeah, I guess there’s really no other
    2:47:24 path here, right?
    2:47:29 I’ve had a lot, let me tell you something. People lie to their therapist. They don’t lie to their
    2:47:37 divorce lawyer. Like I have had 25 years of conversations with men who are ending a marriage
    2:47:41 or starting a marriage and getting a prenup or thinking about getting a prenup, but they’re
    2:47:45 too afraid to say anything to her about it. I’ve had those same things with women. I’ve represented
    2:47:51 roughly half, half men, half women. And, and I’m telling you, like, you don’t have to like the truth.
    2:47:56 The truth is the truth. Like you don’t have to like, like, I get it, man. Like, don’t shoot the
    2:48:02 messenger. Like, that’s how it is. You know? And every time I speak about these things, because
    2:48:08 they’re so tied in with gender stuff and they’re so, I, I know I’m putting a huge target and everyone’s
    2:48:13 like, Oh, this guy, I don’t care because here’s the thing. Sit in my office for a week.
    2:48:17 Well, you’re an equal opportunity assassin when it comes to these conversations. I mean,
    2:48:17 sure.
    2:48:21 Sure. What you just said kind of puts a target on men in the sense that it makes them sound like,
    2:48:26 well, they kind of went into it because there really wasn’t another like trail on the, on the
    2:48:26 mountain.
    2:48:27 Sure.
    2:48:33 On the other hand, there’s something kind of, um, both romantic and, uh, and actually very honorable
    2:48:39 about, yeah, look, there might be other options, but this is the one I like. And she really wanted
    2:48:44 this and I wanted her. And so that’s the contract. I mean, there’s, there’s something pretty nice to
    2:48:50 that pass. How is that passive? That’s love. It’s love. That’s the economy of love. What? You like
    2:48:54 going to antique shows? I don’t, but you know what? If she wants to go to, if that’s something she enjoys,
    2:49:00 you think she enjoys Brazilian jujitsu tournaments? Have you smelled one? Like, trust me, that’s not,
    2:49:03 but she, you know what? I love it. And she’s excited to see me be so excited.
    2:49:05 I’ve never been to one, but I can imagine.
    2:49:08 Oh, trust me. You can smell it from here. It’s unbelievable. The funk is like, you’d never
    2:49:12 believe in your whole life. I, the only other thing is like a quest tree and is maybe the only
    2:49:18 other habit that could smell as bad as that. But the truth is part of love is you, you know,
    2:49:23 yeah, you love, you want that slice of pizza more than I do. Like part of it is like the, okay,
    2:49:25 like this is important to you.
    2:49:26 Yeah. The pleasure and sacrifice.
    2:49:30 Right. Well, cause listen, if it’s important to me and it’s important to you, am I doing it for you?
    2:49:35 Am I doing it for me? Or both of us? Like what’s beautiful is when you’re not sacrificing to give,
    2:49:41 you know, when there’s this feeling of like, if this is important to you, it just became important
    2:49:48 to me. Like, and that, but that’s at the core of any healthy relationship. You know, if you say to me
    2:49:55 as my friend, like Jim, this upsets me. Okay. Or I’m scared of this. If I go, well, I’m not scared
    2:49:59 of that. You know, like, thanks. That didn’t do anything for me.
    2:50:01 Yeah. It sort of ceases to be a friendship at that point.
    2:50:05 Right. When you say to someone like, Hey, I get that, man. You know what? Honestly,
    2:50:09 like, I understand that. Like, I don’t, I’m not afraid of that. And here’s, here’s how I think
    2:50:13 about it, which is why I’m not afraid of it. Like, and I hope that maybe helps, you know,
    2:50:18 like, and, and that’s what, or just hearing the person and going like, yeah, I get that, man. Hey,
    2:50:21 that’s fair. Like people are afraid of it. Hey, I got some stuff I’m afraid of that you’re probably
    2:50:27 not afraid of. Like, that’s okay. So why is it, I don’t think there’s something passive about a man
    2:50:32 saying, yeah, marriage was not that important to me, but it was important to her. And what’s important
    2:50:37 to her becomes important to me because she’s important to me. Like, that’s beautiful.
    2:50:41 Yeah. I didn’t want to imply it was, it was passive. I want to be very clear. I think that some people
    2:50:44 might be surprised to learn that many men, because I agree with you, by the way,
    2:50:54 will agree to do things not out of the sheer joy and delight of the thing, but the deeper delight
    2:50:59 of making the person that they care about happy. I feel like that’s love. Like that’s a big piece
    2:51:06 of love. And so I think marriage can be one of those things where just look, whether you wanted it or the
    2:51:10 other person wanted it, like there’s something wonderful about you’re excited about this. Okay,
    2:51:16 let’s do it. But get a prenup. Of course, get a prenup. Why would you not get a prenup? Listen,
    2:51:21 man, I love you. And I trust you’re a good driver. We get in the car, I’m putting on a seatbelt,
    2:51:25 putting on a seatbelt. Why wouldn’t I? Because there are other drivers. There’s other drivers
    2:51:30 on the road. You’re damn right. There’s other drivers on the road. And by the way, like, again,
    2:51:37 this is a situation where there are rules in place, whether you accept it or not. Like,
    2:51:41 that’s the thing about the truth, right? Like my beliefs don’t require you to believe them.
    2:51:46 Like this is that you don’t have to believe the truth. If it’s the truth, it’s the truth. Like
    2:51:54 there is a rule set governing every single marriage. It was written by the state legislature, period.
    2:52:02 I want to discuss relationships that start earlier in life versus later in life. When I was an
    2:52:09 undergraduate, I took a course, several courses actually from a professor who was just phenomenal.
    2:52:13 Learned neuroanatomy from him, developmental neurobiology. Gave me the only B plus after my
    2:52:17 freshman year. That’s not to boast about my other grades, but that’s the course that I learned the
    2:52:24 most from. I still remember the questions I got wrong. I still remember him explaining exactly why I got it
    2:52:30 wrong. It was the best learning, right? Yeah. It was amazing. Years later, I went back to visit him
    2:52:37 just for social reasons. And he had kids now. He was married and he had a new baby. And he said to me
    2:52:41 something. I don’t know why he felt compelled to tell me stuff about his personal life and give me
    2:52:46 advice, but he did because he was known for being a pretty rigid guy. Sure. Very particular, which is
    2:52:52 part of what made him such an excellent neuroanatomist. Sure. And he said to me, you know, I don’t know what
    2:52:58 your personal life is like, but you should get married as young as possible within reason. And
    2:53:02 I said, oh yeah, why? And he said, because there’s this thing that happens when you reach a certain age
    2:53:08 that you need to have the toothpaste on the right-hand side of the sink. And when the toothpaste isn’t on
    2:53:14 the right-hand side of the sink, then it irritates you. But if you get married and merge lives with
    2:53:20 somebody early, you develop a flexibility and you go through a lot of developmental milestones with them.
    2:53:28 And I found it both amusing and interesting that he would share that. I know examples of people who
    2:53:35 merged lives early and are still together. I know some that merged lives early, excuse me, and diverged
    2:53:42 later, got divorced. I know people that get married and have kids later in life. I’m almost 50 in September,
    2:53:46 so this question isn’t about me, but certainly pertains to me in some sense.
    2:53:51 In your observation of successful versus unsuccessful marriages,
    2:53:58 is there a tendency for people who marry younger to, despite the fact that they quote-unquote might not
    2:54:03 know themselves as well, et cetera, for those marriages to be more successful because they go
    2:54:10 through a lot of these life milestones together, setting aside here whether the toothpaste is on the
    2:54:12 right-hand side or the left-hand side of the sink.
    2:54:19 So I’ve given this a lot of thought because the nature of my constitution is to look at patterns
    2:54:25 and look for patterns. We’re similar in that regard. And so I’m always looking at that. For 25 years,
    2:54:28 I’ve been looking at like same religion, different religion. Cohabitated before marriage, didn’t
    2:54:34 cohabitate before marriage. Age gap, no age gap. Female age gap, like she’s older, he’s younger versus the
    2:54:40 other way. Like I try to find patterns. And I try to, the patterns that can’t be tracked by the
    2:54:43 government in a certificate of dissolution of marriage, the patterns that can only be tracked
    2:54:50 by someone who’s observing this, right? And I’ve really tried to look at that from every angle,
    2:54:57 including the angle that you just said, which is people that connect in the romantic setting or enter
    2:55:03 a monogamous relationship or make a romantic connection, even if it doesn’t stay monogamous
    2:55:06 throughout that whole journey. So like they met in high school, dated in high school or dated and then
    2:55:11 went off to college, dated other people, and then they reconnect to each other, you know, after they
    2:55:16 played in the other fields and then they go, okay, now we’re going to be together. I’ve looked at all of
    2:55:24 that. And what I will tell you is, in my experience, in my observation, what he said is certainly true.
    2:55:36 But it also ignores the negative, which is also true. So yes, there is a scenario where people meet
    2:55:43 at a relatively young age, teens, 20s, whatever it might be. They marry or they become monogamous with
    2:55:48 each other and then they eventually marry or stay in a romantic relationship together. And they grow
    2:55:54 in that like tree that the roots become intertwined and they just know what, and they build a history
    2:56:00 together that is just irreplaceable, you know, because who, like you were there when my mom was
    2:56:07 still alive, you know, like you were there when I, you know, got into law school, you know, like not just
    2:56:13 when I passed the bar or not just when I built up, like you were here for this whole trajectory and
    2:56:18 there’s this shared history. I mean, you have old friends, I have old friends. There’s something about
    2:56:23 someone who was with you when there was just no, like, no, I have some friends that it’s like, dude,
    2:56:28 there was no reason to be friends with me other than like, I had nothing to offer you. I had no money.
    2:56:33 I had no status. I was a C student, like, and something about you still was like, nah,
    2:56:38 that’s my buddy, you know, and I love that. So there is a tremendous beauty in that and when it
    2:56:48 works, there is also that people who have known each other since the beginning, as they grow and
    2:56:53 age and mature, and they reach the stage in life where they start to, as we can call it a midlife
    2:57:00 crisis, which by the way, is not reserved for men, like men and women both have a form of that,
    2:57:07 that they start to say, hey, like, have I really felt everything there is to feel? Have I,
    2:57:14 I’ve only slept with this person for the last 15 years. Like, there’s so many other things out there.
    2:57:19 There’s so many other experiences out there and I haven’t had them. So there’s a sense, and by the
    2:57:28 way, there’s also a, you know, mistaking correlation for causation in the sense of saying, you know, I’m
    2:57:35 dissatisfied with my life and you’ve been here for the whole thing, so it must be you that I’m unhappy
    2:57:41 with as opposed to the choices I’ve made and where they’ve led me or the person who I’ve become rather
    2:57:45 than who you be. It’s much easier to point to the other person and say, oh, you’re the reason why I’m
    2:57:51 so unhappy. I gave you my skinny years, you know, like, it’s over now, you know? Like, and so I think
    2:57:58 it ignores that. I have not found, and if, believe me, I’d be the first to say, if I could find a pattern
    2:58:05 where I would say, okay, live together or don’t live together, or like, these are ways to prevent
    2:58:11 divorce is like, this is what you should be looking for in a partner. Same religious structure, same
    2:58:15 whatever. You were both raised in households with alcoholics or you were neither of you is right,
    2:58:21 whatever. I don’t see it. I don’t see it. I think everything that’s virtue can be vice.
    2:58:30 I think that there’s lots of ways that being together from an early age can add depth and beauty
    2:58:37 to your relationship. And there are ways that it can cause people to not value each other the same way
    2:58:46 or view each other the same way. I think familiarity can breed contempt. And I think that, you know,
    2:58:51 no man is a hero to his butler. Like, I think that when people have been together through a lot of those
    2:58:57 things, sometimes there is a familiarity that comes. Whereas, again, I think the opposite is true
    2:59:03 also, which is having had someone who’s in your corner for an extended period of time solidifies and
    2:59:10 deepens that relationship. There is no simple answer to that. I think there are a lot of things people can
    2:59:20 do in the relationship to heighten the bonds created by a long shared history and keep everyone’s eye on
    2:59:28 that ball than to have them distracted by novelty. I also think realism becomes really important.
    2:59:35 Like, looking at it and saying, like, you know, if you’ve been with the same partner for 15, 20 years,
    2:59:43 that the fact your eye might wander to a shiny object, like, not being afraid to admit that and figure out
    2:59:49 ways to, like, hey, I feel this. It’s a human way to feel. That’s okay. You know, like, how do we deal with
    2:59:54 that? Like, what do we do with that? Is it an ethical non-monogamy, which is what a lot of like
    2:59:59 younger, I don’t want to say younger, but like a modern generation is certainly there are people
    3:00:03 coming up with different permutations of relationships where there’s ethical non-monogamy,
    3:00:07 where there’s a sense of, okay, we’re going to have certain open things in our relationship.
    3:00:12 Like, a lot of my gay male friends have been doing that for years where they had,
    3:00:18 you know, because again, a society, like a culture that has been ostracized and told that
    3:00:22 what you’re doing is an aberration and you’re not like, which is what it was when I was growing up.
    3:00:26 Like, the gay community was like, had to hide to some degree because you could be literally killed
    3:00:32 for expressing your sexual orientation. So what does that do? Well, there’s a freedom that comes with
    3:00:36 that to some degree. If you’re on the outskirts of society, you’re like, all right, well, we can just
    3:00:37 make up our own rules, I guess.
    3:00:38 They’re like relationship outlaws.
    3:00:43 Yeah, they really are. They’re like, listen, like we’re already told we’re awful, terrible people
    3:00:48 for being who we are. So we might as well come up with our own ways of doing stuff. So I knew lots
    3:00:53 of gay men from the eighties on who, you know, were like, yeah, like we have certain rules in the
    3:00:58 relationship. Like we can hook up, but the other person has to be transparent about it. Or there’s
    3:01:02 certain boundaries you can’t cross in terms of, you know, how sexually you interact with this
    3:01:07 person, or it’s something that we’ll only do together in the form of a threesome. Well, again,
    3:01:13 it’s a permutation of relationship that is between those two people. It’s up to them. That’s the
    3:01:21 conversation the two of them can have. So I think there are things any couple can do to feed what’s
    3:01:26 good in the relationship and dampen the negative impact of the things that are challenging in a
    3:01:33 relationship. I don’t think there’s anything. But again, the solution to that problem is not just
    3:01:37 pretend we don’t have a problem. Just shut your mouth because if you say it out loud, it’s going to
    3:01:38 make it real. It’s real.
    3:01:39 Living in the delusion.
    3:01:40 Yeah.
    3:01:43 Living in the illusion should really be called living in the delusion.
    3:01:48 Delusion. Yeah. Because I think these are precious illusions that people have and they cling to them.
    3:01:56 And I understand why. Like it’s nice to pretend everything’s fine, you know, but it’s not honest.
    3:02:05 And I think there’s tremendous value in saying these things to your partner, sharing them, hearing them,
    3:02:10 which by the way, that’s a two-way transaction. Like if you’re going to be in a relationship where
    3:02:16 you’re able to say things that might be hard for your partner to hear but are important for them to hear,
    3:02:24 you have to be prepared to let them do the same thing. So again, that’s why it’s brave. Because
    3:02:29 there’s this sense of I would like an uncomfortable truth more than a comfortable lie.
    3:02:35 I realize you’ve examined every permutation of the relationship structure and tried to correlate
    3:02:41 that with outcome, whether or not the relationship survives happily or not, you know, divorce, et
    3:02:47 cetera, amicably or not. There is one question that I do think might fall into a distinct category,
    3:02:53 which is the amount of time that people know one another before they decide to get engaged.
    3:02:59 We hear about, and it’s been romanticized somewhat, you know, people met on vacation. I mean, you still
    3:03:04 see these in like in traditional media. I don’t look at traditional media too much anymore, but
    3:03:09 you’ll see, you know, they met in Cabo for four days, went back, realized, and then there they are
    3:03:17 married or, but they might’ve been together 50 years, you know, or, you know, people were
    3:03:21 together a very long time. I mean, to me, nothing sadder. Here’s the kind of like the Disney thing,
    3:03:26 right? When you hear about a couple, like in their late seventies, having been married very long time,
    3:03:32 grandchildren, you know, they decide to get divorced and we all reflexively go, oh, like there,
    3:03:37 because we have, and everyone romanticizes the couple sitting together is all over Instagram,
    3:03:41 right? The old couple, he still does this for her. She still adores him and he adores her.
    3:03:48 Um, so amount of time that people have known one another prior to engagement, any correlation with
    3:03:55 outcome? Yeah. So what I’ll say is a couple of things. Again, not a clear correlation. Like we
    3:03:59 all have anecdotal stories we can tell of people who were together for extended periods of time and then
    3:04:07 split up. And we all have a couple of stories of people who, like, I have a dear friend who got a
    3:04:13 woman pregnant on the first date, like first date, like they went to movie and dinner and then they
    3:04:17 had sex and she got pregnant. And she called him like a couple of weeks later. It was like, I’m
    3:04:24 pregnant. And he was like, I’m marrying her. And I was like, I’m sorry, is it 1950? Like what? No,
    3:04:29 like you don’t even know her. You went on a one date with her and he’s like, nope, I’m going to do the
    3:04:34 right thing. I’m like, the right thing is to marry a stranger because you had sex with her and got her
    3:04:41 pregnant. Like, are you serious? You know, they’ve been married 28 years, 28 years, three kids happily.
    3:04:46 Yeah. 28 years, three kids. That’s wonderful to hear. It’s a warming story. Yeah. It’s a warming
    3:04:51 story. It’s an, it’s an anecdotal, you know, it’s not, it’s not proof of anything. It’s not a playbook.
    3:04:55 I’m not suggesting people go out and knock somebody up on the first date and then just take the,
    3:04:59 take the chances. If you do get a prenup. That’s all I’m going to say. But, you know,
    3:05:08 I think that again, it depends on what, like, if I said to you, I go to the gym for an hour every day,
    3:05:15 is that good for me? If your answer is anything other than, I don’t know, what do you do there?
    3:05:21 Because if what I do is I walk on the treadmill for three minutes and then I sit in the steam room
    3:05:26 for a half an hour and then the rest of the time I’m on my phone, then I might as well have stayed
    3:05:32 home probably. Right. Whereas if I say, oh, I never go to the gym. Does that mean that’s bad? No. Maybe
    3:05:37 I do body weight workouts at home all the time and I never set foot in a gym. Like, so I don’t think it
    3:05:43 tells the story. So the truth is, is a couple that’s together for an extended period of time and has the
    3:05:47 kind of relationship where they’re learning about each other through that process. Like practice
    3:05:52 doesn’t make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect. Look, time is good. Time is good in
    3:05:57 the sense that you’re going to see some good things and some bad things. You’re going to see this person
    3:06:00 at their best and at their worst. You’re going to see them through some difficult times. They’re going
    3:06:07 to see you in some difficult times. And hopefully you’ll, you’ll know what you’re like. If you got to
    3:06:13 drive a car for six months before you decided if you were going to buy it or not, like, you know,
    3:06:17 you would know, you’d make a much more informed choice. Why do you think they don’t let you drive
    3:06:23 a car for six months before you buy it? Like, there’s a reason for that. Cause you’d see the
    3:06:30 whole thing. Like that’s, that’s again, I think it’s a great idea. Like, but you try test drive
    3:06:35 any car. It’s going to be fun. You know? I mean, maybe you’ll see like, oh, this is boxy. I don’t
    3:06:42 really like it. Look, I’ve seen again, successful and unsuccessful brief pairings long. What I will
    3:06:50 say is when people have had a long court, I’ll call it courtship period or pre marital period
    3:06:56 that they used to deepen their connection to each other and get to know the good and bad of each other
    3:07:02 and see each other in good circumstances and bad circumstances and with and without makeup. And when
    3:07:07 you’re mad and got cut off in traffic and when you’re happy and blissed out. Yeah. They’re making
    3:07:13 an informed choice. Like they’re buying something that they understand what it’s like, you know, like
    3:07:17 friends of mine say to me all the time, like, I’m thinking about getting a dog. Like, sorry to make
    3:07:24 this analogy for romance and dogs, but like somebody says they want to get a dog. Well, it’s a beautiful
    3:07:30 day out and I want to go running with the dog in the park. Who wouldn’t? But if you’re not ready to
    3:07:36 have the dog when it ate something and now has diarrhea and it’s raining outside and you’ve got
    3:07:40 to keep taking it outside and you’ve got to keep washing your cup, then don’t get a dog, man. Because
    3:07:45 you know what? It’s not playing in the park all day long. It’s I’ve got to get home. Why? Because the dog’s
    3:07:50 been alone for four and a half hours and I don’t want the dog to be alone for that long. Like you’ve got to
    3:07:59 you’ve got to change your life for this thing. So again, is it worth it? 100%. 200%. Are you
    3:08:04 kidding me? Because one of those sunny days is worth everything. And by the way, if you love it enough,
    3:08:09 even that stupid part with the like, it’s an act of love. It’s like, I don’t care. Like, I don’t care.
    3:08:14 I’ll clean up after this thing. I fucking love it. Dogs, the diarrhea, they have this, they feel bad
    3:08:18 about it. They feel bad because they’re out of, they’re uncomfortable. And by the way, you love them
    3:08:23 so much that all you care about is like, it’s okay, buddy. It’s okay. You’re all right. Yeah. Yo,
    3:08:27 like my, my dog throws up and all. I’m like, it’s okay. Get it out. It’s okay. Get it out. Man, I’d give
    3:08:32 my entire left hand to have like one more week. One more week. So with diarrhea. Yeah. Except that
    3:08:39 would suck for him. Yeah. One more week. And you know what? Like, I think that, that a romantic
    3:08:46 relationship, there is no reason why you can’t use the courtship period to sort of test all those
    3:08:53 permutations. And I don’t think, by the way, that people would just stop buying cars if you had a
    3:08:58 six month trial period on the vehicle. I think there’s something really okay. Like you would still find,
    3:09:03 maybe you would, when you made a choice, you would really be picking one that you really liked. So
    3:09:09 what I will say in response to the question, I made a long answer is I don’t think that a long
    3:09:14 courtship period, if, for example, if the courtship period, the length of it is a function of one of
    3:09:19 them being super reluctant to commit to the other person, that might not be a good indicator. But if,
    3:09:25 if the purpose of that courtship period, that extended engagement or that extended dating period
    3:09:30 is to really get a feel of each other in a variety of conditions, you know, like to know a thing,
    3:09:37 know its limits. When it’s pushed beyond its tolerances, its nature emerges. So I think there’s
    3:09:42 value in seeing, like, I don’t want to just see you with makeup on, like, because you’re going to not be
    3:09:46 wearing makeup for a lot of this relationship. I want to see what you look like coming out of the shower,
    3:09:52 you know? And, and by the way, like, you should want that. You should want that too. You want me to look
    3:09:56 at you with no makeup on and go, oh, you’re beautiful. You look great. Like, do I love it when you put on
    3:10:01 makeup? Of course. But do I love it when you’ve got the flu and like, I can take care of you? Yeah,
    3:10:08 I love that too. That’s beautiful in a different way. So I think that if you use the time the right
    3:10:13 way, there’s tremendous value in that much better than just throwing a dart at the board. Like I find
    3:10:18 this person attractive. They find me attractive. Fuck it. Let’s do this thing. Like, I don’t think that
    3:10:25 that is a good recipe. I’ve seen a lot of divorces that come from a very brief courtship, but is that
    3:10:29 the death? No, no. I think sometimes people just get it right. I mean, listen, you and I both know
    3:10:36 people, take it out of the romantic context, who just get rich quick. Like they make one cool decision
    3:10:41 and it just pays off. They make one good bet and it pays off. And I know other people, man, they had to
    3:10:47 take the stairs. Like they had to take, they had 15 versions of it and it went bankrupt three times.
    3:10:52 And then one of the things hit and that was the one. And then everybody goes, I always knew you were
    3:10:57 going to be successful. You know, I always knew that really? Cause I didn’t like it was a series of near
    3:11:02 misses until I hit. So I think it’s the same thing. I think they’re how you use the time is what really
    3:11:10 matters. Love it. Last question. Oh boy. Some people listening to this are in relationships.
    3:11:16 Some are married, some are divorced, some are not in relationships. Is there such a thing as a post
    3:11:22 nup for the people who have already been married? And what are the pros and cons of opening up that
    3:11:30 conversation and the contract itself? And for people who are still in the, you know, looking for
    3:11:36 partner, exploring a relationship or relationships, whatever, whatever their life structure happens to
    3:11:42 be. What do you think are the questions that they might ask themselves and the other person that would
    3:11:50 give some insight into, into not necessarily like, should there be a prenup for the dating period,
    3:11:55 but you know, a lot of the things you’re talking about are, are in the circles of like close intimacy.
    3:11:59 Like what are your real flaws? What are you afraid of? What are you afraid I’m going to do?
    3:12:04 That’s not the kind of conversation maybe nowadays people do that, that typically people will have
    3:12:09 on their, you know, uh, fifth date or sixth date. But at some point it makes sense to have real
    3:12:14 conversation with somebody to try and make sense of whether or not you go forward. So I just threw a
    3:12:19 lot at you. It’s a couple of different questions. A little bit of a scattershot. No, but those are all
    3:12:24 really important questions for the, for the committed and non-committed folks out there. Yeah. I mean,
    3:12:33 I, I, I’m paraphrasing Jung when I say that the thing you seek most is in the place you least want to
    3:12:42 look. So I think that, you know, a friend of mine once said to me that, um, the, the most important or
    3:12:49 really the only question that therapy is designed to answer is what is it that you’re afraid to feel?
    3:12:59 And so I think that there’s tremendous value in sharing with a partner and learning about a
    3:13:07 partner, what it is they’re afraid to feel. And, and looking at the things about yourself
    3:13:15 that you’re afraid to share. I think in my own experience, and I think in that of most of my
    3:13:22 clients, you know, I, I’m not religious. Like I’m not religious anymore. I was raised religious. So I
    3:13:26 don’t really believe in the devil. Like I don’t, I don’t think that there’s like this malevolent creature
    3:13:32 that’s out there trying to convince people to be evil. But if there was a devil, I think the principal
    3:13:39 function of the devil would be to convince us that we’re so bestial that God couldn’t possibly love us.
    3:13:48 Like, I think, I think the, the, the greatest mistakes of my life I always made in the most
    3:13:56 selfish, awful decisions I made, I made because I convinced myself that I wasn’t good. Like I convinced
    3:14:00 myself that what does it matter? Like nothing means anything. Like just do whatever. Who cares? No one’s
    3:14:06 looking. Just do it. It doesn’t matter. And when I, when I look at whether you want to call it the
    3:14:12 presence of God in me, Buddha nature, you call it anything you want to call it. But when I, when I
    3:14:17 hold to the, the angels of my better nature, like the part of my heart that is good and loving and
    3:14:25 compassionate, and I let that be my compass, right? That’s when the greatest victories, the greatest
    3:14:30 joys, like the best things happen. And I’m not suggesting being like ignorant and being like,
    3:14:35 oh, the whole world’s full of like puppies and sunshine. It’s listen, I’m a divorce lawyer, man. I
    3:14:44 live in the world of misery, but it has not robbed me of the belief in the good and the depth of the power
    3:14:53 of love, right? And how badly I want it and how bad we all want it. And so I think the most valuable
    3:14:59 thing that people can do is when you’re not in a relationship or whether you’re in a relationship
    3:15:08 is when do you feel the most loved? And when do you feel the most loving, right? And then when you
    3:15:14 connect to another person, find out the answer for them, because it’s probably different. Like it might
    3:15:18 be some things that are the same, but there might be some things that are completely different.
    3:15:23 You know, there’s a good possibility that if you told the creamer story, that she would be like,
    3:15:27 oh my God, I don’t even remember that. Like, I don’t even remember that happening. And yet for you,
    3:15:31 it was such a… So I think there’s a lot of those things. Like sometimes when you ask somebody,
    3:15:36 what’s your favorite memory of me? Like the thing they’ll tell you, you’ll go, I don’t even remember
    3:15:40 saying that. Like I’ve had people say to me like, oh my God, you said this thing on this podcast.
    3:15:43 And I’m like, what was it? And they say it. I’m like, I said that? I’m like, I mean,
    3:15:48 it sounds like I agree with it. Like I have absolutely no recollection of saying that. I mean,
    3:15:54 partly I talk so much, it’s hard to remember what’s important. But I really think that there’s
    3:16:03 tremendous value in being brave in the conversations we have with ourselves about love. I think that
    3:16:10 lying to yourself, because here’s the thing, if you can be authentically yourself with another person,
    3:16:15 then you’re going to feel their love. Like, that’s what I mean about the devil is the idea that like,
    3:16:22 if I just show my partner the best parts of myself and I don’t admit to them or share with them the
    3:16:29 things I’m afraid of, the shit I need to work on, all that kind of stuff, then I’m never going to feel
    3:16:35 their love because they don’t love me. Like they love the character I’m playing. Like they love the
    3:16:40 persona that I’ve developed in this relationship and I’ll never feel their love, you know? Whereas if
    3:16:47 I, if I’m brave enough to share with this person, the parts of me that I don’t understand, I’m afraid
    3:16:54 of, I’m, I’m, I’m unhappy with, I’m, I’m ashamed of, and they love me anyway, like then I’m going to
    3:16:59 really feel that love. And that love can be a transformative kind of love. Like that’s a love worth
    3:17:07 having, you know? So I think anything that deepens your ability to know yourself and deepens your ability
    3:17:14 know your partner and let your partner know that you want to know them. Like the whole thing. Like
    3:17:20 I want to know what you need to work on. I want to be here to help. Like I’m here for you. I’m here.
    3:17:24 It’s just like friendship. Friendship’s easier. You know, friendship’s easier than romantic love. Like
    3:17:30 it’s super easy to say like, Hey man, I, you know, I’m cheering for you. You know, I am. I wouldn’t be,
    3:17:34 I don’t have to be here. Like I don’t have to be, that’s part of why I like prenups. Like I don’t
    3:17:38 want you here because you have to be here. I want you here because you want to be here because you’re
    3:17:44 in man. Like there was a time where we were in and we decided to do this thing. And that to me,
    3:17:52 like that’s the whole thing. So I think that’s the secret in terms of a, if you’re already in a
    3:17:58 relationship and you go, okay, like post-nups, there’s problems with post-nups because from a
    3:18:04 contractual legal standpoint, contracts fail for what’s called want of consideration. Meaning that,
    3:18:09 that in every contract, there has to be an exchange of value. Like, so they use the car thing again.
    3:18:13 I’m giving you money. You’re giving me a car. Like we’re each exchanging, we’re each giving and
    3:18:21 receiving value. The consideration for a prenup is we don’t have to get married, but I’m willing to
    3:18:25 marry you if we amend the rule set in the following way. So that has a mutuality of consideration.
    3:18:30 There are some courts that have held that a post-nup, there is no consideration and it fails
    3:18:36 as a contract because staying married is not consideration. It’s assumed that you would
    3:18:44 stay married legally. So that’s why post-nups can fail. Now, that being said, do I think the message
    3:18:53 that I have about connection and how to interact with your partner and the things I wrote in my book,
    3:18:59 like, you know, my book, How to Stay in Love, Practical Wisdom from an Unlikely Source, the idea
    3:19:07 was not to just talk about people in troubled relationships or to approach people who were not
    3:19:12 yet in relationships and give them a rule set to start with. Like I trained Brazilian jiu-jitsu for
    3:19:19 many years and people will often say, because, you know, people are 30, 40, 50, and they want to get
    3:19:24 into Brazilian jiu-jitsu. And, you know, there’s an old joke. I don’t know. It was one of the Gracie’s
    3:19:29 who first said it. I don’t want to offend Heuler or I think it was Heuler, but I’m not sure. It might’ve
    3:19:39 been Hickson where someone said, um, what’s the best age to start jiu-jitsu? And he said five or now.
    3:19:46 And I think that’s the answer. Like, so all these techniques, all these things we’re talking about,
    3:19:53 what’s the best time to implement them the day you meet this person or now? Like, I don’t care if you’re
    3:20:00 married 10 years, 20 years, 30 years. You’re, you’re telling me that right now there wouldn’t be
    3:20:05 value in seeing your partner, allowing yourself to be seen by your partner. Like a lot of the,
    3:20:13 the practical wisdom, I think that’s so simple of like, like in my book, there’s a chapter where I
    3:20:17 just talk about, it’s called leave a note. And it basically just says like, leave your partner a note.
    3:20:23 Like when you leave for the office in the morning, leave a note like, Hey, you know, so fun on the
    3:20:28 couch with you last night watching TV. I married the prettiest girl in the world. Can’t wait to see
    3:20:33 you again. What does that take? 30 seconds? 30 seconds, right? Nothing. Such a minimal investment.
    3:20:38 Didn’t cost you anything. That’s why you won’t see it on TV advertised by the way, because it didn’t cost
    3:20:43 anything. You don’t have to buy anything. You don’t need anything to do that thing. But what does it say
    3:20:49 to your partner? I see you. You’re important to me. I took the time in the middle of the things I’m
    3:20:55 doing to, to, to, to let you know you’re important to me. Like, and who wouldn’t want that? Who
    3:21:01 wouldn’t want their partner, even after 20 years of marriage, especially after 20 years of marriage
    3:21:08 to say, God, you’re handsome. Hey, like, I just, I don’t know something about you. Like who wouldn’t
    3:21:13 want to hear that? Like who wouldn’t have their day brightened by that a little bit? And again,
    3:21:17 maybe at first your partner go, are you all right? What, what, what are you doing? Like,
    3:21:22 I had a buddy who actually did the note thing. And he said, he was like, yeah, for like the first week,
    3:21:28 she was like, what’s going on? Are you having an affair? Like, are you dying? What’s going on?
    3:21:33 And he said, but after like, and I just said, no, I, you know, I just, I want to make more of a point
    3:21:37 of like being present, you know? And he said after like three weeks, four weeks, he was like,
    3:21:42 dude, I’m having like, we’re like having the best chapter. Like we’re having more sex. We’re having
    3:21:47 more fun. Like he’s like, and now she’s like texting me in the middle of the day. Like, by the
    3:21:53 way, like, again, not to gender things, but like leaving a note or sending a text in the middle of
    3:21:57 the day that just, cause I was just thinking of you. Like, I just wanted you to know I was thinking
    3:22:04 of you. It’s the equivalent of sending a man nudes. Like it, cause what does it say? It says,
    3:22:08 Hey, like, I know that the world’s crazy and everything’s kind of, but like, it’s you and me,
    3:22:13 it’s you and me. And you’re this special person that gets to hear these things from me or see these
    3:22:17 things of me that other people don’t get to see. Cause I’m yours in your mind. Like in that,
    3:22:24 what is better than that? And what is the downside to trying to give you that? Cause worst case,
    3:22:29 you spent 30 seconds of your life and you didn’t get a return on your investment. Okay.
    3:22:38 You’re no worse off than you were. So even though you may not be able to avail yourself of the rule
    3:22:43 set concept that can happen when you haven’t married yet and you have a prenup and you have that
    3:22:51 discussion, I think you can still have that core conversation. Again, not about if we split up,
    3:22:55 how do we divide our assets? That’s what this is about. It’s about what do we owe each other?
    3:23:01 What do we bring to this economy, this relationship of the two of us, this exchange of value? What,
    3:23:08 what I have a, I have a, a, a friend who’s been married probably about 10 years, happily, really
    3:23:15 happily. And he was telling me how they call it a walk and talk that every once a week, they just go
    3:23:23 for a walk, like a hike together. They live in Colorado and they’ve made a practice of telling
    3:23:30 each other like two or three things that they did that week that like were a big win, like two or
    3:23:34 three things that like made them feel loved or whatever it might be. And then they try to have
    3:23:39 at least one or two things that they could have done better or where they might’ve crossed wires.
    3:23:42 And they kind of do a praise sandwich, you know, like, so they do the good and then a few of the
    3:23:48 bad and then back to the good again. And I said to him, like, is there a discernible impact? And he’s
    3:23:54 like, it’s like the best thing we do. He’s like, because it, it really helps us course correct in real
    3:24:00 time. But the most valuable part is actually not the, here’s what you got wrong. It’s the, here’s what
    3:24:07 you did right. Like, here’s the stuff that made me feel loved. And, and cause that death spiral
    3:24:14 that people get into in relationships where it’s like, well, I’m not happy. Why should they be happy?
    3:24:17 And like, well, I didn’t get to go out with my friends. Why should she get to go out with her
    3:24:21 friends? You know? And why I had a miserable, well, I had a miserable day too. Well, it’s like, well,
    3:24:24 why is your miserable day more important than my miserable day? You know, like that death spiral,
    3:24:30 you can reverse that. It can, it can work the other way, which is like, just keep meeting this
    3:24:36 with an abundance of love, affection, compassion, positive reinforcement. It can, and again, not
    3:24:41 always like there are, believe me, I, I work in the clay of domestic violence, intimate partner abuse.
    3:24:46 Like I’ve seen it up close and personal. I know there are toxic, awful people who are just not going
    3:24:52 to be able to have a functional relationship, but find that out sooner rather than later. And then cut
    3:24:57 your losses and get out. Like, cause I have to tell you something, I, you say how, you know,
    3:25:01 you see like a couple that’s 70 or 80 and they’re getting divorced and it’s the saddest thing.
    3:25:06 It is, but it also begs the question, like what would have happened if they were ill suited for
    3:25:11 each other? How long did they hold on? Cause I gotta tell you, man, I’m not impressed when somebody
    3:25:17 says, oh, we were married for 60 years. We were miserable for 45 of them, but we did it. Like,
    3:25:22 oh, great. Like, great. Like, I don’t, that’s like that race they run in Death Valley where it’s like,
    3:25:28 I ran 150 miles in August. Okay. Like, what are you, that’s great. That’s insane. Like, but okay.
    3:25:33 Like, congratulations. You did something that sounds horribly painful and in no way positive. Like,
    3:25:38 but if you feel good about it, cool. Like that’s not to me, a successful marriage. Successful marriage
    3:25:44 to me is we made each other’s lives better. We made our, our, our own lives and each other’s lives
    3:25:50 better for our coupling, for the fact that we were together. Maybe we created life and cultivated life
    3:25:56 together by birth or adoption, or maybe we just radiated joy to the people around us, you know,
    3:26:01 or maybe we had pets and we gave them a wonderful existence together, or maybe some combination of all
    3:26:08 those wonderful things. Like, but do I think that the solution is like longevity and say, no, because I
    3:26:14 I don’t think that the duration of something is the success or failure of it. Listen, if you make
    3:26:19 a six hour shitty movie, I’m not going to be like, well, but it was six full hours. That is pretty good.
    3:26:25 Like, no. Whereas if you, if you make a six hour movie that holds my attention the entire six hours,
    3:26:32 that’s a damn good movie. That’s a, that’s a movie worth making, you know? Like I’ll watch Casino or
    3:26:38 Goodfellas every time it’s on and it’s like a full three hours almost, you know? And I don’t care
    3:26:46 because it’s that good. So I think that longevity, like endings and how relationships end, the fact
    3:26:52 that something ends does not mean that it wasn’t valuable, like at all. I think that’s a really
    3:26:57 crazy thing. Like every movie I’ve ever enjoyed ended. And if somebody said to me three quarters
    3:27:00 way through it, you know, this is going to end, I wouldn’t be like, well, what’s the point?
    3:27:05 You know, no, I want to watch the whole thing. I want to, and knowing that it’s going to end is
    3:27:12 part of what makes it beautiful. So I think that protections are really important. Prenups are really
    3:27:18 important. It’s ideal as early in a relationship as possible to have some of these conversations about
    3:27:26 the painful things that I have to help people wrestle with every single day. But I, I think the value
    3:27:30 you received from that conversation is immeasurable.
    3:27:37 Jim, what I love about you so much is that you’re willing to, and maybe you just reflexively
    3:27:47 look at things through every possible lens. So if it’s something dark, like divorce, you look at it
    3:27:53 through the lens of that, but also does it always have to be dark? You look at it through the lens of a
    3:27:57 lawyer’s eyes. Well, I think that’s part of lawyering is you have to argue both sides of everything.
    3:28:04 But I would also say that, you know, if ever, you know, people had the stereotype in mind that all
    3:28:09 lawyers are heartless and cutthroat and it’s all just about money. I mean, you clearly shatter that
    3:28:14 because, I mean, so much of what we talked about today wasn’t about divorce. It was about contracts.
    3:28:18 It wasn’t just about contracts. You know, really what I kept hearing over and over is that
    3:28:24 by asking what at first are practical questions, you can really get to the emotional layers
    3:28:28 underneath those that really speak to what people need most in order to make things work,
    3:28:35 even if the relationship doesn’t last forever. And I think that’s such an important lens on,
    3:28:40 you know, the kind of overwhelming thing that we call relationships and marriage and prenups and
    3:28:44 divorces. And, you know, I think it’s enough to make anyone terrified. It’s also enough,
    3:28:49 as you said, to make some people bitter. And I think we didn’t talk about it too much
    3:28:55 because it’s such a potent word, didn’t have to, but this notion of bitterness is really the thing
    3:29:02 to avoid most, right? Because it contaminates the thing that you embody so much, which is you just have
    3:29:10 such a huge forward center of mass, full tilt, arms around all of it, love of life and people and
    3:29:16 dogs. And it’s, it just comes through over and over in everything you do and in every way that
    3:29:22 you describe it. So I see you as a, yes, a lawyer, not just a divorce lawyer, but a lawyer. You’re
    3:29:28 certainly a psychologist. You’re definitely on the adventure of life. There’s no question about that.
    3:29:35 You’re an anthropologist, which reflects some of your prior, prior training. And you’re just a
    3:29:41 really amazing human being in the way that you’re willing to just launch yourself into all of it and
    3:29:45 consider all of this. And like you said, you see some really unfortunate things, but it’s clear that
    3:29:50 you also see a lot of really wonderful and beautiful things. And I think some of the awful things are
    3:29:57 really beautiful. There’s a line from Hemingway from A Farewell to Arms, where he says, the world
    3:30:04 breaks everyone and, and some are stronger in the broken places. And I think divorce and, and, and
    3:30:10 heartbreak, like heartbreak is like that. Like it, heartbreak breaks everyone. And, and sometimes we’re
    3:30:15 stronger in the broken places. Like I, I think I’ve learned so much through love and I’ve learned so much
    3:30:23 through loss and I don’t want my love of love to make me forget that loss exists. And I don’t want
    3:30:30 the pain of loss to make me forget that love exists. Well, I, and everyone listening, uh, really
    3:30:34 appreciate you taking the time to come here. Look, you, you make a living doing something else. You
    3:30:41 make a very, you know, you don’t need to do this. Um, traveling cross country. I, well, I so appreciate
    3:30:45 it. I mean, I love talking to you in general, but, but we’ve never done it on mic, which is really
    3:30:50 funny. We’ve got some good conversations and, uh, you’ve been a wonderful, uh, and trusted friend
    3:30:55 to me. I also trust that if I’m going to make a dumb decision or if, uh, um, or if I’ve made a
    3:31:00 dumb decision that you’ll let me know. I’m there. I promise. I will in the future. Yeah. Well, you
    3:31:04 have for me. I don’t have your legal wisdom, but right back. Well, I haven’t yet. You have plenty
    3:31:09 of wisdom. You’re trusted and an amazing friend and, uh, you just have so much wisdom to share.
    3:31:13 You know, my dad has this saying, uh, that, you know, some people, when they speak,
    3:31:17 they just might as well have exhaled. He’s Argentine. He’s a little cynical, but he also
    3:31:22 says, but some people, when they speak, just wisdom falls out of them. And that’s how I feel
    3:31:28 every time I’m in your presence or I hear you on a podcast or even a short clip. I prepared a lot for
    3:31:33 today’s episode by just watching as much content of yours as I could possibly consume. And I was like,
    3:31:41 wow, the density of value per unit time for your, for your speech is, it is unbelievably high.
    3:31:46 That was the most humorous description of me. I love it. The density of value within that. I love
    3:31:52 your, your, uh, the scientific lens through which you even look at the unscientific, although I guess
    3:31:56 everything is scientific in some ways. So, but no, man, I, I, I’m really glad we had a chance to do
    3:32:03 this. And, uh, um, you know, I, I love all of our conversations and I thought to myself, it’s going to
    3:32:09 be interesting and odd to have one, but I sort of immediately forgot that the microphone’s here or
    3:32:14 the camera’s here. And, and that’s really lovely. Like, that’s the best thing, you know, is, is when,
    3:32:19 um, like, if you said to me, how long have we been talking? I would imagine it’s like an hour,
    3:32:23 but I know it’s way longer than that. I have no idea though. I’ve completely, and that’s that flow state,
    3:32:30 you know, that happens when, when we’re wrestling with these ideas that are the most human ideas. And, and
    3:32:39 I love, um, I want to pay you a compliment. Um, you know, I’ve, I, before we were friends, I, I listened
    3:32:49 to your, your program in the earlier days of it. And I love how the journey of becoming fully human and
    3:32:54 exploring the depth of our full humanity has become like, because something that was always
    3:33:00 very science-based tools and it’s very easy to sort of just keep yourself in that box.
    3:33:07 You’ve really stepped out of your comfort zone, especially in recent years and brought in these
    3:33:12 things that really are the totality of the human experience, all these relationship things, the pet
    3:33:19 thing I just listened to. I loved like, and I think that, that, um, we’re coming to a time where we
    3:33:24 realize that like, you know, uh, we’re, we’re, we’re, what’s the old saying that we’re, uh, you
    3:33:30 know, we’re not, uh, thinking machines that sometimes feel we’re feeling machines that sometimes think,
    3:33:38 you know, I think that you’re really starting to get deeply into the totality of our humanity,
    3:33:44 the physical state, the emotional, spiritual, all of those things. And I think that’s what we need,
    3:33:51 that if there is a cure to the ailment of our time, the partisan, hyper-partisan environment,
    3:33:58 the misery and anxiety that so many people are feeling and the yearning, the spiritual hunger
    3:34:04 that has people consuming opinions and podcasts like deeply. I mean, who would have ever thought
    3:34:12 podcasts would be what it is, right? Like long form audio conversations. Like we would go back to the
    3:34:19 radio. Like when we have, when we can world build with AI now and make anything visual for us,
    3:34:28 that we would go back to finding wisdom in this. And the fact that like we, that hunger is being fed
    3:34:37 by people like you who are saying, Hey, like this isn’t science won’t save us. Spirituality won’t
    3:34:45 save us. Love won’t save us. Anger won’t save us. All of it. We need all of it. And we need to try to
    3:34:52 wrestle with it and figure it out. And, and no one is necessarily better at this. Like you can, whatever
    3:34:57 car you drive, whatever profession, how much money you have in the bank, you may not be better or worse
    3:35:02 at this. So I think it’s really beautiful that you’re, you’re, you’re the palette of things that
    3:35:12 you’re discussing has become so broad, but you have remained very much you and very able to like bring
    3:35:18 it to a lens that is authentically yourself. And I love that about the show. I’d like, I, I remain a
    3:35:24 friend, but I also remain a fan. So thank you. I’ll take that in and right back at you and please
    3:35:28 come back again. Anytime. You have a very exciting project that we didn’t get to today. So save that
    3:35:33 for a future episode. It’s super cool. It’s completely different than this. And, um, like
    3:35:39 everything you touch, it turns to platinum. So thanks brother. Thank you for joining me for today’s
    3:35:43 discussion with James Sexton to learn more about James’s work and to find links to his book and other
    3:35:48 resources. Please see the show note captions. If you’re learning from and or enjoying this podcast,
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    3:36:26 of you that haven’t heard, I have a new book coming out. It’s my very first book. It’s entitled protocols
    3:36:30 and operating manual for the human body. This is a book that I’ve been working on for more than five
    3:36:36 years. And that’s based on more than 30 years of research and experience. And it covers protocols for
    3:36:42 everything from sleep to exercise, to stress control protocols related to focus and motivation.
    3:36:49 And of course I provide the scientific substantiation for the protocols that are included. The book is
    3:36:55 now available by presale at protocols book.com. There you can find links to various vendors. You can pick
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    3:38:05 thank you for your interest in science.
    Chào mừng bạn đến với podcast của Huberman Lab, nơi chúng ta thảo luận về khoa học và các công cụ dựa trên khoa học cho cuộc sống hàng ngày. Tôi là Andrew Huberman, giáo sư thần kinh sinh học và nhãn khoa tại Trường Y khoa Stanford. Khách mời hôm nay của tôi là James Sexton.
    James Sexton là một luật sư nổi tiếng với hơn 25 năm kinh nghiệm trong lĩnh vực luật gia đình, chuyên về hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân và ly hôn. Anh được biết đến như giọng nói của lý trí giữa tình yêu và pháp lý. Hôm nay, chúng ta sẽ thảo luận về một điều có thể có vẻ ngược đời, đó là làm thế nào các khung pháp lý và hợp đồng liên quan đến các mối quan hệ, đặc biệt là hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân, thực sự có thể làm sâu sắc thêm mối liên kết cảm xúc và xây dựng lòng tin giữa các đối tác.
    Như James chỉ ra, sự thân mật và lòng tin trước hết là khả năng có thể là chính mình với đối tác và họ cũng như vậy với bạn. Đó là việc cho phép bản thân trở nên dễ bị tổn thương. Nó cũng liên quan đến tinh thần làm việc theo nhóm, tất nhiên, là sự tôn trọng lẫn nhau và sự ngưỡng mộ cho những phẩm chất độc đáo của mỗi người. Hôm nay, chúng ta sẽ khám phá cách mà các hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân, thường được xem là thiếu lãng mạn hoặc bi quan, thực tế có thể đóng vai trò như một cách để thiết lập cảm giác an toàn cho cả hai người và ngăn chặn nhiều xung đột và hiểu lầm phổ biến.
    Theo James, mọi người đều có hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân. Bạn có một hợp đồng được tạo ra bởi cơ quan lập pháp của tiểu bang hoặc bạn có thể điều chỉnh một hợp đồng cho những nhu cầu độc đáo của bạn và đối tác. Anh cũng chỉ ra một điều mà nhiều người sẽ thấy bất ngờ, đó là phần lớn những người có hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân vẫn giữ vững mối quan hệ hôn nhân. Chúng ta cũng sẽ thảo luận về tình yêu và những câu hỏi then chốt mà cả chúng ta đều cần đặt ra để tìm kiếm đối tác phù hợp và nếu bạn đã có một người nào đó, để xây dựng những mối liên kết mạnh mẽ nhất với họ.
    Thông tin trong tập hôm nay sẽ rất quan trọng cho bất kỳ ai đang tìm kiếm hoặc hiện đang trong một mối quan hệ. Dù bạn đang độc thân, hẹn hò, đính hôn hay đã kết hôn, hiểu cách mà các khung pháp lý và cảm xúc hỗ trợ cho các mối quan hệ lâu dài giao thoa như thế nào có thể giúp bạn điều hướng một trong những hành trình thú vị nhưng đầy thử thách trong cuộc đời với sự nhận thức và mục đích lớn hơn và khả năng thành công cao hơn.
    Trước khi bắt đầu, tôi muốn nhấn mạnh rằng podcast này tách biệt với vai trò giảng dạy và nghiên cứu của tôi tại Stanford. Tuy nhiên, đây là một phần trong mong muốn và nỗ lực của tôi nhằm mang đến thông tin miễn phí cho người tiêu dùng về khoa học và các công cụ liên quan đến khoa học cho công chúng. Trong tinh thần đó, tập này có bao gồm các nhà tài trợ.
    Và bây giờ, xin mời bạn nghe cuộc thảo luận của tôi với James Sexton.
    Jim Sexton, xin chào mừng bạn.
    Cảm ơn! Rất vui khi được ở đây.
    Tôi đã muốn thực hiện điều này một thời gian rồi.
    Tôi biết. Thời gian đã dài để chuẩn bị cho điều này.
    Tôi nghĩ, nếu hai người đàn ông ngồi lại, một người là luật sư nổi tiếng với nghề luật ly hôn, và họ đang nói về ly hôn, tình yêu, tiền bạc và hợp đồng và sự kết thúc của mọi thứ,
    thì tôi nghĩ có một tâm lý mặc định dễ hiểu mà nửa không gian khán giả nữ của chúng ta có thể nghĩ rằng,
    à, đây là một vài người đàn ông đang nói về các mối quan hệ và ly hôn từ góc độ của các nhiễm sắc thể Y của họ.
    Điều này, tất nhiên, là không thể tránh hoàn toàn vì tôi không làm xét nghiệm karyotyping.
    Nhưng bạn có một nhiễm sắc thể Y, và tôi cũng vậy.
    Tôi muốn biết, từ kinh nghiệm của bạn khi làm việc với khách hàng nam và nữ,
    Có điều gì độc đáo trong trải nghiệm của phụ nữ về ly hôn không?
    Hoặc trải nghiệm của phụ nữ khi nhận ra, wow, hợp đồng này mà tôi nghĩ là suốt đời thì có thể không hoặc không phải là suốt đời?
    Điều này sẽ dẫn đến một loại phản ứng tâm lý cụ thể cho phụ nữ.
    Ở đây, tôi cơ bản đang yêu cầu một sự tổng quát.
    Vâng.
    Và tôi muốn rõ ràng rằng, tôi không hỏi điều này vì lý do chính trị đúng đắn.
    Tôi hỏi vì, như tôi đã nói, hai người đàn ông ngồi lại nói về các mối quan hệ, tình yêu và ly hôn.
    Đó là khoảng mà tâm trí sẽ đi tới.
    Vâng.
    Và ý tôi là, trước khi tôi bị tẩy chay trong các bình luận vì bị cáo buộc là chống nam hay chống nữ,
    Tôi luôn cố gắng nói rằng những gì tôi quan sát được là kết quả của việc đã ly hôn hàng nghìn người,
    cả nam và nữ, như trong 25 năm qua tôi đã làm công việc luật ly hôn toàn thời gian.
    Và tôi thực sự có nghĩa là trên cơ sở thực sự toàn thời gian.
    Vì vậy, tôi thức dậy vào buổi sáng nghĩ về những điều này.
    Tôi đi ngủ vào buổi tối nghĩ về những điều này.
    Tôi làm việc 6, 7 ngày một tuần.
    Đó là lý do tôi đã ly hôn.
    Tôi thực sự rất yêu nghề.
    Và vì vậy tất cả những gì tôi đang nói thực sự chỉ là những quan sát của tôi.
    Vì vậy, bạn biết đấy, để trả lời câu hỏi đó, tôi nghĩ thế giới nhìn nhận những người đàn ông đã ly hôn và
    những người phụ nữ đã ly hôn một cách khác nhau.
    Và tôi nghĩ rằng hình thức tự nhìn nhận của mọi người rất khác nhau.
    Vì vậy, tôi thường nói với các khách hàng nam của mình khi chúng tôi đang xử lý một vụ án về quyền nuôi con, ví dụ,
    đó là, những tranh cãi về việc khi nào một đứa trẻ sẽ sống với ai và khi nào chúng sẽ dành thời gian với ai.
    Và có một khái niệm gọi là những giả định về mẹ, mà đã tồn tại hợp pháp trong nhiều năm,
    hoặc điều gì đó gọi là học thuyết về những năm tuổi mềm mại.
    Nó được gọi bằng những cái tên khác nhau ở các tiểu bang khác nhau.
    Nhưng nó đã tồn tại cho đến khoảng những năm 1980.
    Và đó là điều mà một đứa trẻ được cho là sẽ ở trong sự chăm sóc của mẹ trừ khi bạn có thể chứng minh rằng cô ấy không phải là một người mẹ đủ điều kiện.
    Vì vậy, đàn ông đã tự động bị xem là lớp thứ hai khi trở thành cha mẹ.
    Vì vậy, đó là điều tự động. Nó là mặc định.
    Bây giờ, tất nhiên, vào những năm 80, có một sự khác biệt trong cơ cấu lao động.
    Có những vai trò giới khác nhau, rõ ràng, về việc phân công trách nhiệm chăm sóc trẻ.
    Nó là một thế giới khác ở một mức độ nào đó.
    Nhưng điều đó đã bị loại bỏ vào những năm 1980.
    Và thậm chí cả băng ghế, các thẩm phán đã thay đổi đáng kể.
    Khi tôi bắt đầu hành nghề 25 năm trước, 90% các thẩm phán mà tôi trình diện là những người đàn ông da trắng có tuổi, hết.
    Chỉ là thế thôi.
    Đó là những người đàn ông da trắng có tuổi.
    Và vì vậy tôi đã hình thành thói quen, như, cắt tóc ngắn, giấu hình xăm lại, như, trông giống như bạn đang bước ra từ bộ phim Inherit the Wind.
    Xin mời bạn xem bản dịch sau đây sang tiếng Việt:
    Như thế này, bạn có thấy rằng, bạn biết đấy, bởi vì bạn có một người đàn ông lớn tuổi bảo thủ làm thẩm phán của bạn.
    Điều đó không còn là cấu trúc của tòa án nữa.
    Tòa án hiện nay đa dạng như chính những người mà nó phục vụ.
    Một trong những điều mà tôi nói với các khách hàng nam của mình là mặc dù giả định về người mẹ đã biến mất, phụ nữ chiến đấu quyết liệt hơn để giành quyền nuôi con hơn nam giới.
    Thật vậy sao?
    Tôi muốn nói với bạn rằng đó là vì bản năng và mối liên kết của người mẹ mạnh mẽ đến mức phụ nữ chỉ quan tâm đến con cái của họ và họ muốn giành quyền nuôi con.
    Tôi không thực sự tin là như vậy.
    Tôi nghĩ nó dựa trên điều sau đây.
    Nếu bạn và tôi chỉ mới gặp nhau trong cuộc sống bình thường, phải không, như chúng ta chỉ ngồi tại một quán bar và tôi thức cả đêm và bạn nói, Jim, hãy kể về bản thân bạn.
    Và tôi nói, tôi đã ly hôn.
    Con cái của tôi sống với mẹ chúng.
    Tôi gặp chúng cứ hai tuần một lần và một lần một tuần để ăn tối.
    Anh ta sẽ nói, được, tuyệt.
    Jim là một gã đã ly hôn.
    Bạn biết đấy, anh ấy đang làm việc.
    Anh ấy lo cho những việc của anh ấy.
    Còn tôi, là một phụ nữ và tôi nói, tôi có hai đứa con.
    Chúng sống với cha chúng.
    Tôi gặp chúng cứ hai tuần một lần.
    Bạn sẽ nói, có gì không ổn với cô gái này vậy?
    Cô ấy có vấn đề về sử dụng chất gây nghiện, vấn đề tâm thần hay gì đó?
    Tại sao anh ta lại có quyền nuôi con?
    Tại sao cô ấy không có quyền nuôi con?
    Vì vậy, có một yếu tố về cách nhận thức về mẹ và bản sắc, ngay cả đối với một phụ nữ đi làm, rằng nếu bạn không có con cái trong một thời gian đầy đủ hoặc gần đầy đủ,
    thì có một nhận thức như vậy.
    Điều đó ảnh hưởng đến, thay đổi cách phụ nữ tham gia vào tranh chấp về quyền nuôi con.
    Đó là một phần rất lớn của điều này.
    Ở khía cạnh khác, bạn biết đấy, vấn đề giới tính trong ly hôn và chia tay thực sự thú vị và phức tạp ở điểm này, rằng, ví dụ, nếu một người đàn ông lừa dối vợ hắn, hắn là một kẻ khốn nạn, không thể kiềm chế bản thân, là một đứa trẻ, tại sao hắn không thể thành thật?
    Một người phụ nữ lừa dối chồng mình, cô ấy được dẫn dắt vào vòng tay của một người đàn ông khác, vì anh ta không đáp ứng nhu cầu của cô ấy, đây là hành trình tự khám phá của cô ấy.
    Bạn có thể thấy điều này trong các phương tiện truyền thông đại chúng.
    Như xem bất kỳ bộ phim nào, bất kỳ chương trình TV nào.
    Khi người đàn ông lừa dối, giống như hắn là một gã dâm đãng.
    Người phụ nữ lừa dối, giống như, ôi, người phụ nữ tội nghiệp này, cô ấy cần phải tìm lại bản thân.
    Cô ấy cần một khoảnh khắc ăn, cầu nguyện và yêu thương.
    Và điều này, một lần nữa, giống như cách thế giới tương tác với mọi người trong việc chia tay và trong quá trình dẫn đến chia tay thì rất khác nhau.
    Vì vậy, cách mọi người phản ứng với điều này là rất khác nhau.
    Đàn ông, theo kinh nghiệm của tôi với các khách hàng, có rất nhiều cơn giận mà, bạn biết đấy, thể hiện ra rất chân thật, như rất, bạn biết đấy, vì đàn ông thì, bạn biết đấy, đàn ông là, Bill Burr gần đây trong một trong những chương trình đặc biệt của anh ấy, đã nói về đàn ông được phép là hai thứ, giận dữ hoặc ổn.
    Chỉ có vậy thôi, như giận dữ hoặc ổn.
    Và tôi từng luôn nói điều đó khi lớn lên, bạn biết đấy, tôi 52 tuổi, lớn lên, tôi có hai sự lựa chọn.
    Bạn hoặc là Clint Eastwood hoặc Richard Simmons.
    Đó là hai sự lựa chọn của bạn như một người đàn ông.
    Bạn hoặc là như một người kiên định, bạn biết đấy, không biểu cảm, không cảm xúc hoặc là gay.
    Đó là vậy.
    Đó là hai lựa chọn của bạn.
    Và tất nhiên, điều đó hoàn toàn không trung thực.
    Rõ ràng là, thực tế là, đàn ông có một cách khác, bạn biết đấy, chúng tôi có một từ vựng cảm xúc.
    Chỉ là nó biểu hiện ra theo những cách khác nhau.
    Nhưng sự giận dữ là điều mà đàn ông được phép có.
    Vì vậy, khi đàn ông buồn, họ có vẻ giận dữ.
    Khi đàn ông giận dữ, họ có vẻ giận dữ.
    Phụ nữ, theo kinh nghiệm của tôi về phụ nữ trong các cuộc ly hôn thì họ, họ rất dễ tha thứ trong những cuộc hôn nhân không hạnh phúc.
    Họ sẵn sàng ở lại trong những cuộc hôn nhân tương đối không hạnh phúc và, và kiểu như tra tấn bạn đời của họ.
    Và khi họ đã quyết định, được rồi, tôi sẽ ra đi, thì có một mức độ như, vâng, bất cứ điều gì chúng ta phải làm, chúng ta phải làm.
    Giống như đôi khi tôi cảm thấy, với tư cách là một người làm công việc này, như, ôi, ôi, được rồi.
    Giống như bạn, bạn chỉ sẵn sàng, bạn chỉ sẵn sàng đi đến đó.
    Như một lính đánh thuê.
    Vâng.
    Chỉ có vậy, bạn biết đấy, như khi, và bạn nhìn vào lịch sử của cuộc hôn nhân và bạn đi, wow, khi họ bên nhau, giống như không có điều gì cô ấy sẽ không làm cho hắn.
    Và bây giờ nó kết thúc và chao ôi, không có điều gì cô ấy sẽ không làm với hắn.
    Giống như cô ấy đã trở thành một vũ khí chống lại hắn.
    Và điều đó, nó thực sự, nó từng làm tôi bất ngờ.
    Bây giờ thì không còn làm tôi bất ngờ nữa.
    Tôi nghĩ tôi có một người bạn từng là một luật sư hình sự nhiều năm, luật sư biện hộ hình sự, rất giỏi ở thành phố này.
    Và chúng tôi từng cười vì anh ấy từng nói là một luật sư hình sự, anh ấy thấy những người xấu nhất khi họ tốt đẹp nhất.
    Còn là một luật sư ly hôn, tôi thấy những người tốt nhất khi họ tồi tệ nhất.
    Và điều đó luôn khiến tôi ngạc nhiên vì tôi đã đạt đến một mức độ trong sự nghiệp của mình, thật may mắn, nơi tôi đại diện cho những vận động viên ưu tú.
    Tôi đại diện cho, bạn biết đấy, những người trong thị trường tài chính mà thực sự làm thay đổi thị trường bằng giao dịch của họ, những người trong ngành công nghiệp giải trí.
    Và họ cũng tệ về điều này như bất kỳ ai trong số chúng ta.
    Họ tệ về các mối quan hệ.
    Họ tệ về sự tan vỡ như bất kỳ ai.
    Vì vậy, bạn biết đấy, có sự khác biệt trong các khía cạnh giới tính.
    Có những khác biệt trong khía cạnh kinh tế xã hội.
    Nhưng cuối cùng, đó là, chỉ là những người bị tổn thương làm tổn thương người khác.
    Và nó trông gần như giống nhau.
    Thật thú vị.
    Và có rất nhiều điều trong đó.
    Tôi muốn quay lại vấn đề này, um, dạng phản ứng khác nhau đối với việc nam lừa dối so với nữ lừa dối một chút sau này.
    Đây là một lĩnh vực rất thú vị để khám phá.
    Tôi cảm thấy như tôi có một bằng tiến sĩ về sự không chung thủy vì nó, chỉ là, nó là một phần của, như, hơn 90% các cuộc ly hôn theo một hình thức nào đó.
    Vâng.
    Thật vậy sao?
    Chà, đó là lý do tại sao tôi nghĩ, bạn biết đấy, người ta nhầm lẫn mối tương quan với nguyên nhân.
    Ý tôi là, mọi người thường hỏi, bạn biết đấy, tại sao bạn ly hôn?
    Bởi vì hắn đang lừa dối với thư ký của hắn.
    Và giống như, ôi, đó là một lý do khá tốt để ly hôn.
    Nhưng, bạn biết đấy, khi bạn gõ bề mặt, bạn sẽ thấy, ờ, nhưng tại sao hắn lại lừa dối với thư ký của hắn?
    Và hầu như luôn có một câu chuyện sâu sắc rất sâu xa, như, ừm, chúng tôi ngừng ngủ cùng nhau.
    Tại sao chúng tôi lại ngừng ngủ?
    Ừ, bởi vì hắn không tử tế với tôi.
    Chà, tại sao anh ấy lại không tốt với bạn?
    Chà, vì bạn hoàn toàn thờ ơ với tôi.
    Và bạn bắt đầu nghĩ, được rồi, sự thật nằm ở đáy một hố không đáy và chúng ta sẽ không bao giờ đến đó được.
    Giống như, tất cả những sự thật đó đều có một quan điểm.
    Vì vậy, khi bạn làm công việc như tôi, tức là, bạn biết đấy, kể chuyện đầy tác động, chủ yếu là trong một phiên tòa chống lại ai đó đang cố gắng kể một câu chuyện đối lập, bạn nhận ra rằng phần lớn những gì bạn đang làm là chỉ tìm cách trình bày phiên bản thuyết phục nhất về trải nghiệm chủ quan của người này về cuộc sống của chính họ.
    Tôi muốn tạm dừng một chút và ghi nhận một trong những nhà tài trợ của chúng tôi, Wealthfront.
    Tôi đã sử dụng Wealthfront để tiết kiệm và đầu tư trong gần một thập kỷ, và tôi thật sự thích nó.
    Vào đầu mỗi năm, tôi đặt ra những mục tiêu mới.
    Và một trong những mục tiêu của tôi cho năm 2025 là tập trung vào việc tiết kiệm tiền.
    Vì tôi có Wealthfront, tôi sẽ giữ khoản tiết kiệm đó trong tài khoản tiền mặt Wealthfront của tôi, nơi tôi có thể kiếm được 4% lãi suất hàng năm trên tiền gửi của mình.
    Và bạn cũng có thể như vậy.
    Với Wealthfront, bạn có thể kiếm được 4% APY trên tiền mặt của bạn từ các ngân hàng đối tác cho đến khi bạn sẵn sàng chi tiền hoặc đầu tư.
    Với Wealthfront, bạn cũng nhận được các khoản rút tiền ngay lập tức miễn phí vào các tài khoản đủ điều kiện mỗi ngày, ngay cả vào cuối tuần và ngày lễ.
    Lãi suất 4% APY không phải là lãi suất khuyến mại, và không có giới hạn về những gì bạn có thể gửi và kiếm.
    Và bạn thậm chí có thể nhận được bảo vệ lên tới 8 triệu đô la thông qua bảo hiểm FDIC được cung cấp thông qua các ngân hàng đối tác của Wealthfront.
    Wealthfront cung cấp cho bạn rút tiền ngay lập tức miễn phí, nơi chỉ mất vài phút để chuyển tiền của bạn vào các tài khoản bên ngoài đủ điều kiện.
    Nó cũng chỉ mất vài phút để chuyển tiền từ tài khoản tiền mặt sang bất kỳ tài khoản đầu tư tự động nào của Wealthfront khi bạn sẵn sàng để đầu tư.
    Hiện tại đã có hàng triệu người đang sử dụng Wealthfront để tiết kiệm nhiều hơn, kiếm nhiều hơn và xây dựng tài sản lâu dài.
    Kiếm 4% APY cho tiền mặt của bạn ngay hôm nay.
    Nếu bạn muốn thử Wealthfront, hãy truy cập Wealthfront.com slash Huberman để nhận một khoản tiền thưởng miễn phí trị giá 50 đô la với một khoản tiền gửi 500 đô la vào tài khoản tiền mặt đầu tiên của bạn.
    Đó là Wealthfront.com slash Huberman để bắt đầu ngay bây giờ.
    Đây là một lời chứng thực trả phí của Wealthfront.
    Công ty môi giới Wealthfront không phải là một ngân hàng.
    Lãi suất APY có thể thay đổi.
    Để biết thêm thông tin, xem mô tả tập này.
    Tập hôm nay cũng được tài trợ bởi BetterHelp.
    BetterHelp cung cấp liệu pháp chuyên nghiệp với một nhà trị liệu có giấy phép thực hiện hoàn toàn trực tuyến.
    Tôi đã làm liệu pháp hàng tuần suốt hơn 30 năm qua.
    Có ba điều chính mà liệu pháp tuyệt vời cung cấp.
    Đầu tiên, nó cung cấp mối quan hệ tốt với một ai đó mà bạn thực sự có thể tin tưởng và nói chuyện về bất kỳ vấn đề nào mà bạn muốn.
    Thứ hai, nó có thể cung cấp hỗ trợ dưới hình thức hỗ trợ về mặt cảm xúc và hướng dẫn có định hướng.
    Và thứ ba, liệu pháp chuyên gia cung cấp những hiểu biết hữu ích.
    Những hiểu biết cho phép bạn cải thiện không chỉ cuộc sống cảm xúc và các mối quan hệ của bạn, mà tất nhiên cũng là mối quan hệ với chính bạn và với cuộc sống nghề nghiệp cũng như tất cả các loại mục tiêu trong cuộc sống và công việc.
    Với BetterHelp, họ làm cho việc tìm kiếm một nhà trị liệu chuyên gia mà bạn thực sự có thể hòa hợp trở nên cực kỳ dễ dàng và có thể giúp cung cấp những lợi ích đến từ liệu pháp hiệu quả.
    Và vì BetterHelp cho phép liệu pháp thực hiện hoàn toàn trực tuyến, nên nó rất tiết kiệm thời gian và dễ dàng để phù hợp với một lịch trình bận rộn.
    Không cần phải đi đến văn phòng của một nhà trị liệu, tìm chỗ đậu xe, hoặc ngồi trong phòng chờ.
    Chúng ta đang nói về việc hủy bỏ một hợp đồng, hợp đồng hôn nhân, và tạo ra một hợp đồng mới, hợp đồng ly hôn.
    Tôi rất thích hợp đồng.
    Trong thế giới kinh doanh, đối tác kinh doanh của tôi và tôi đã bắt đầu podcast này,
    tôi đã nhấn mạnh rằng chúng tôi nên chia đều.
    Đó là điều quan trọng với tôi.
    Nó thực sự rất quan trọng vì podcast này sẽ không được như bây giờ nếu không có anh ấy và sự chuyên môn tuyệt vời của anh ấy.
    Anh ấy chính là thiên tài đứng sau tất cả.
    Hợp đồng ban đầu của chúng tôi chỉ trên một mảnh giấy trong một quán cà phê nhỏ ở Manhattan, nơi tôi đã nói, sao về cái này?
    Chúng ta đã thảo luận về nó.
    Những người như bạn khiến các luật sư, như chúng tôi, phát điên.
    Như bạn nói vậy và tôi ngay lập tức bắt đầu như, bạn biết đấy.
    Khoảng sáu tháng sau hoặc lâu hơn, một luật sư đã nói với chúng tôi rằng chúng tôi cần một hợp đồng thực sự.
    Vâng.
    Và chúng tôi đã thực hiện nó.
    Và tôi phải nói rằng điều đó rất ổn và tôi mừng vì chúng tôi có các hợp đồng.
    Nhưng đối với tôi, tất cả các hợp đồng, dù là một dòng chữ nguệch ngoạc trên một mảnh giấy hay là một hợp đồng chính thức,
    các hợp đồng khiến tôi cảm thấy an toàn.
    Chúng khiến tôi cảm thấy tốt.
    Tôi thích các quy tắc và hướng dẫn.
    Tôi thích biết điều gì sẽ xảy ra nếu.
    Đối với một nhà khoa học, điều này không thực sự tồn tại.
    Bạn thích nghĩ rằng bạn có thể kiểm soát các kết quả, nhưng bạn không thể và bạn công nhận điều đó và bạn đi vào những điều chưa biết.
    Vì vậy, các hợp đồng rất an ủi đối với tôi.
    Vâng, vâng.
    Tôi muốn nói về hợp đồng hôn nhân trước tiên.
    Vâng.
    Và bạn nghĩ gì đang diễn ra trong đầu mọi người khi họ quyết định kết hôn.
    Có lễ đính hôn.
    Có nhiều tình yêu.
    Hy vọng có nhiều tình yêu.
    Hy vọng có nhiều dopamine.
    Đó là một điều tuyệt vời.
    Chắc chắn rằng có nhiều pheromone.
    Có rất nhiều cảm xúc và các vấn đề sinh học đang diễn ra.
    Chắc chắn rồi.
    Có sự công nhận từ người khác.
    Có bữa tiệc.
    Có tiệc độc thân, tiệc độc thân nữ, bữa tiệc tắm, đám cưới.
    Ý tôi là, có rất nhiều điều củng cố mối liên kết này.
    Và mỗi điều mà bạn vừa nêu đều tuyệt vời.
    Mm-hmm.
    Chúng thật tuyệt.
    Vâng.
    Như vậy, tất cả đều là những điều tích cực.
    Như từ bánh cưới đến tiệc độc thân nam, tiệc độc thân nữ, đến chiếc váy, đến cách chúng ta sẽ chụp ảnh để kỷ niệm khoảnh khắc và tạo ra một bức ảnh tĩnh về chúng ta và gia đình chúng ta.
    Như vậy, tất cả điều đó, làm sao bạn không thể cổ vũ cho điều đó?
    Như vậy, thật tuyệt vời.
    Đúng rồi.
    Tất cả đều nghe có vẻ tuyệt vời.
    Nó giống như, bạn biết đấy, như, ô, tôi thích kem này.
    Có gì không thích?
    Đó là kem.
    Dĩ nhiên bạn thích kem.
    Đúng vậy, đối với tôi, đây là sự kỷ niệm cuộc sống.
    Đúng vậy.
    Bạn biết đấy, nó khác hẳn so với việc sinh ra một đứa trẻ, nhưng đó chính là điều này.
    Đúng vậy.
    Mỗi một trong số đó đều là một sự kỷ niệm của tinh thần sống.
    Đúng vậy, và vị trí của bạn trong dòng thời gian và lịch sử, sự hợp nhất của các gia đình, sự hợp nhất của các dòng tộc, kiểu như—và kiểu như, chúng ta sẽ hợp nhất ngay bây giờ, và có thể cuộc sống mới sẽ phát sinh từ điều đó.
    Và sau đó cuộc sống đó hợp nhất với nhiều cuộc sống hơn, và chúng ta trở thành một phần của chuỗi này.
    Như kiểu, đây là những điều tuyệt vời, và đây là những viên gạch cơ bản của các nền văn minh nhân loại.
    Vì vậy, thật dễ hiểu khi chúng ta cảm thấy hoàn toàn bị cuốn hút bởi ý tưởng đó và chúng ta rất hào hứng.
    Nhưng đây là điều mà mọi người không nghĩ đến.
    Thuật ngữ hợp đồng không bao giờ xuất hiện trong cuộc thảo luận đó.
    Tôi đang nói với bạn ngay bây giờ, ngay bây giờ, có ai đó đang kết hôn ở đâu đó, và họ chưa bao giờ—từ “hợp đồng” chưa bao giờ được nhắc đến.
    Họ không coi hôn nhân là một hợp đồng.
    Hai điều mà tôi, với tư cách là một luật sư ly hôn, luôn suy nghĩ là hôn nhân như một nền kinh tế và hôn nhân như một hợp đồng.
    Và đó là hai điều—ngay khi bạn nói điều đó, mọi người sẽ giả định rằng bạn không tin tưởng hoặc không trải nghiệm cảm xúc nào trong những điều đẹp đẽ khác mà bạn vừa nói.
    Và tôi nghĩ 90% sức hấp dẫn của công việc truyền thông của tôi trong chương này của cuộc đời mình chính là mọi người nghĩ, ôi, một luật sư ly hôn, đây chỉ là một người nói về việc như hôn nhân là điều tệ nhất mọi thời đại.
    Và thực tế, tôi nghĩ điều tôi đang nói là, nhìn này, đây thật tuyệt vời.
    Điều này thật tuyệt vời.
    Tại sao bạn không yêu đương?
    Tại sao bạn không có mối ràng buộc cặp đôi?
    Tại sao bạn không nghĩ đến việc ràng buộc với một người khác và nói, nhưng Chúa ơi, hãy thành thật với bản thân về những rủi ro liên quan.
    Hãy thành thật với bản thân về những cách bạn có thể giảm thiểu rủi ro đó.
    Và hãy thành thật với bản thân về hợp đồng và nền kinh tế, vì đó là hai điều mà tôi không nghĩ là có gì không lãng mạn.
    Tôi không nghĩ điều đó lấy đi sự lãng mạn hoặc vẻ đẹp của một thứ gì đó.
    Bạn biết đấy, tôi thường nói bài thơ yêu thích của tôi là một bài thơ của Joseph Brodsky có tên là A Song, và ông đã viết nó khi vợ ông qua đời.
    Và đó là một bài thơ đẹp về tình yêu và sự mất mát.
    Và phần điệp khúc của bài thơ là, tôi ước bạn ở đây, người yêu quý.
    Kiểu như, tôi ước bạn ở đây, người yêu quý.
    Tôi ước bạn ở đây.
    Tôi ước chúng ta ngồi trong xe và bạn ngồi gần.
    Đó là một bài thơ tuyệt đẹp.
    Và một trong những câu là, tôi ước bạn ở đây, người yêu quý.
    Tôi ước bạn ở đây.
    Tôi ước tôi không biết gì về thiên văn khi những vì sao xuất hiện.
    Và tôi nhớ lần đầu tiên tôi đọc câu đó đã nghĩ, ôi, điều đó thật đẹp.
    Bởi vì một khi bạn biết thiên văn, như, có điều gì đó kém kỳ diệu hơn về những vì sao.
    Có phải vậy không?
    Ý tôi là—
    Chà, tôi không biết.
    Xem này, tôi không tin rằng nó phải như vậy.
    Đúng vậy, tôi cũng không.
    Nhà vật lý học Richard Feynman vĩ đại, người từng đoạt giải Nobel, nổi tiếng với câu châm ngôn “Chắc hẳn bạn đang đùa, thưa ông Feynman”,
    đã nói rằng việc hiểu các sự vật ở mức độ giảm thiểu đã làm tăng cảm nhận vẻ đẹp của ông đối với thế giới vật lý.
    Và tôi nghĩ ông có thể.
    Ý tôi là, đó là cảm nhận của tôi về sinh học, sinh lý học và những gì tôi biết về tâm lý học.
    Hiểu những lớp sâu hơn thêm vào cảm giác kỳ diệu của tôi.
    Nhưng tôi công nhận và đồng ý với bạn hoàn toàn rằng đối với hầu hết mọi người, khi chúng ta nghĩ về tất cả những điều đó xung quanh hôn nhân,
    sự đính hôn, đám cưới, bữa tiệc, tất cả đều ngụ ý một tấn sự tin tưởng.
    Tôi tin tưởng bạn.
    Tôi có niềm tin vào bạn.
    Tôi sẽ hợp nhất cuộc sống với bạn.
    Từ “hợp đồng” ngụ ý ở đâu đó trong đó một sự thiếu tin tưởng.
    Tôi đã đưa ra một giai thoại nhỏ về điều gì đó rất khác với hôn nhân, đúng không?
    Một hợp đồng kinh doanh với đối tác kinh doanh của tôi, nơi mà khi họ nói, ôi, bạn cần có một hợp đồng chính thức.
    Đúng vậy.
    Có điều gì đó về điều đó ngụ ý rằng mọi thứ có thể sai lầm hoặc sẽ có những tình huống không lường trước mà hợp đồng miệng của chúng tôi không thể lường trước và không thể cho phép chúng tôi điều hướng như những đối tác kinh doanh.
    Và lại một lần nữa, ví dụ này hoàn toàn khác biệt và có thể là nhỏ hơn so với hợp đồng hôn nhân, điều này là một cột mốc lớn hơn trong cuộc đời.
    Nhưng tôi nghĩ điểm bạn đang đưa ra mà tôi muốn điều chỉnh một chút là điều sau.
    Có một hợp đồng ràng buộc bạn và đối tác kinh doanh của bạn.
    Nó được viết bởi cơ quan lập pháp của bang mà bạn cư trú, được chứ?
    Vì vậy, bạn có muốn mối quan hệ của mình với người này bị điều chỉnh bởi một hợp đồng mà bạn không viết, bạn không có sự đóng góp vào, và chính phủ có thể thay đổi mà không có sự đồng ý hoặc kiến thức của bạn không?
    Và nhân tiện, một khi họ đã thay đổi điều đó, bạn không thể nói, ôi, tôi không thích những quy tắc mới, vì vậy tôi không muốn chúng được áp dụng.
    Đúng vậy, quá muộn rồi.
    Quá muộn rồi.
    Vì vậy, tôi nói với mọi người, bạn có một hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân.
    Mọi người đã kết hôn đều có một hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân.
    Nó được viết bởi chính phủ hoặc được viết bởi hai người mà theo như lời đồn là yêu nhau hơn cả 8 tỷ lựa chọn khác trên thế giới.
    Bây giờ, nếu bạn hỏi tôi ai sẽ viết một hợp đồng tốt hơn, các chính trị gia không tên tuổi bị phụ thuộc vào việc được bầu và không được bầu hoặc hai người có sự lạc quan dồi dào về nhau?
    Kiểu như có một bộ quy tắc.
    Có một bộ quy tắc.
    Và nếu bạn ký vào một bộ quy tắc mà bạn đã viết hoặc đồng tác giả với đối tác của mình, tôi nghĩ bạn ở trong một vị trí tốt hơn là nói,
    hãy tin tưởng vào chính phủ.
    Tôi phải nói với bạn, tôi đã đến DMV.
    Tôi chưa bao giờ bước vào DMV và nghĩ, những người này nên chịu trách nhiệm cho mọi thứ.
    Điều này thật tuyệt.
    Họ thực sự làm tốt.
    Kiểu như, họ nên chịu trách nhiệm cho hôn nhân của tôi.
    Họ nên chịu trách nhiệm cho mọi thứ, công việc kinh doanh của tôi.
    Họ nên là những người tạo ra các quy tắc bởi vì họ rõ ràng rất vững vàng trong cách suy nghĩ của họ.
    Tôi không cảm thấy như vậy.
    Tôi cảm thấy rằng có giá trị to lớn trong mức độ tin cậy và lạc quan mà hai người có được khi bắt đầu một mối quan hệ, dù đó là hôn nhân hay một dự án kinh doanh. Khi chúng ta đang trong không gian đầy hưng phấn của lạc quan, sự háo hức và tin tưởng vào nhau, đó chính là lúc để nói, “Này, chúng ta sẽ có lúc không đồng ý với nhau về một điều gì đó.” Điều đó sẽ xảy ra. Có thể đó là lỗi của tôi. Tôi có thể nói những điều ngu ngốc. Tôi thường xuyên nói những điều ngu ngốc. Vì vậy, có thể tôi sẽ nói điều gì đó khiến bạn không vui. Vậy tại sao bạn lại học cách cãi nhau trong khi đang trong một cuộc cãi nhau? Hãy học cách cãi nhau trước khi bạn bắt đầu một cuộc cãi nhau. Hãy tìm hiểu quy tắc. Hãy thảo luận về việc, “Này, nếu chúng ta không đồng ý, cách tốt nhất là gì? Bạn có cần một phút không? Bạn có cần thời gian một mình để bình tĩnh lại không? Hay bạn là kiểu người nói, “Không, chúng ta phải giải quyết điều này ngay bây giờ. Tôi không thể đi ngủ trong cơn giận dữ. Tôi sẽ cồn cào.” Đối với tôi, cách nghĩ đúng đắn không phải là niềm tin và sự tin tưởng hay hợp đồng. Tôi nghĩ đó là cách hoàn toàn sai để nhìn nhận vấn đề. Tôi nghĩ rằng cách đúng để nhìn nhận là có một hợp đồng. Có một – dù bạn có muốn gọi đó là hợp đồng hay không, cũng như có một nền kinh tế. Nền kinh tế là sự trao đổi giá trị. Bạn biết đấy, từng này chuối có giá trị bằng từng này dừa. Bởi vì nếu nó là – bạn sẽ trao đổi cho tôi bao nhiêu chuối? Đó không phải là một nền kinh tế. Chúng ta không mang điều tương tự lên bàn. Vì vậy, điều này cũng giống như vậy. Tại sao lại có thể xem việc nói “Này, tôi sẽ kết hôn với bạn” là một từ bẩn? Tại sao? Tôi mang gì đến cho cuộc sống của bạn? Tôi có ý nghĩa gì với bạn? Giá trị gì tôi mang đến cho bạn? Và giá trị gì bạn mang đến cho tôi? Để tôi biết điều gì nên bảo vệ và gì nên gìn giữ. Bạn biết đấy, để tôi biết khi nào điều đó bắt đầu trượt đi để nói chuyện với bạn về điều đó. Và nhân tiện, bạn có thể nói với tôi và nhắc tôi khi, “Này, điều này mà tôi yêu ở bạn đã thay đổi.” Vì vậy, bạn đã nhắc đến tất cả những điều tốt đẹp về đối tác kinh doanh của bạn. “Ôi, anh ấy có tầm nhìn này, hoặc anh ấy có sự kiên nhẫn này, hoặc anh ấy có kỹ năng tổ chức này. Và anh ấy bù đắp cho những điều mà tôi không có.” Nếu bạn chỉ nói, “Ồ, đúng rồi, anh ấy có những tính cách giống hệt tôi.” Thì cũng như vậy, bạn cần anh ấy để làm gì? Bạn biết đấy, nhiều tay thì có việc có thể làm hơn. Nhưng lý tưởng là bạn có Steve Jobs và Steve Wozniak, mỗi người không có người kia sẽ không thể như vậy. Nhưng cùng nhau, giống như là sấm sét trong chai. Vì vậy, tôi thực sự nghĩ rằng việc nhìn nhận điều này một cách hơi khác và nói rằng sẽ có một bộ quy tắc. Chúng ta là những người tốt nhất để viết bộ quy tắc đó. Đó là cách nhìn nhận vấn đề. Đúng vậy, cách bạn nhìn nhận hợp đồng hôn nhân và các bản thỏa thuận trước hôn nhân thật tuyệt vời vì bạn đang đưa một lăng kính cảm xúc tích cực vào đó, đúng không? Chắc chắn. Hai người yêu nhau. Do đó, hãy thảo luận về hợp đồng của tình yêu và hôn nhân. Hai người cam kết tạo ra có thể là những đứa trẻ cùng nhau và một cuộc sống trọn vẹn bên nhau, cùng nhau tạo dựng dòng dõi. Hãy đưa ra một hợp đồng thực sự để củng cố điều này. Đúng, và chúng ta nợ nhau điều gì? Bạn biết đấy, chúng ta nợ nhau điều gì? Đó là một phần quan trọng đối với tôi. Giống như, tại sao chúng ta lại làm điều này? Bạn biết đấy, vấn đề mà chúng ta muốn giải quyết là gì? Hay giá trị mà chúng ta nợ nhau là gì? Đó là một câu hỏi thật đẹp. Chúng như là lời mời gọi một cuộc thảo luận thân mật. Đây là những điều bạn khiến tôi cảm thấy. Đây là những điều bạn làm khiến tôi cảm thấy như vậy. Bạn khiến tôi cảm thấy được yêu. Thật sự, khi nào? Khi bạn nhớ rằng tôi thích trà và bạn đảm bảo rằng nó có ở đây, bạn biết không? Hoặc, ôi, khi bạn nhớ đó là sinh nhật của em gái tôi và đã gửi tin nhắn cho cô ấy rồi gửi cho tôi một ảnh chụp màn hình. Đó là những điều nhỏ bé ngu ngốc khiến chúng tôi cảm thấy được yêu và được nhìn thấy. Vì vậy, tại sao chúng ta không tận dụng một cơ hội để nói với người này, nhân tiện, bạn có biết điều gì mà tôi yêu ở bạn không? Bạn có biết điều gì bạn làm khiến tôi cảm thấy được yêu và khiến tôi cảm thấy yêu bạn không? Bởi vì đó là một cuộc trò chuyện xứng đáng. Cách bạn nhìn nhận điều này, tôi nghĩ, hoàn toàn khác với cách mà hầu hết mọi người sẽ tưởng tượng một cuộc thảo luận về một thỏa thuận trước hôn nhân. Tôi nghĩ điều đó là đúng, đúng vậy. Điều này làm tôi rất trân trọng, và tôi biết khán giả cũng vậy, vì bạn đang đặt một lăng kính khác lên mọi thứ. Tôi sẽ chỉ đội mũ của mình như một nhà thần kinh học và sinh học trong một khoảnh khắc. Tôi nghĩ có những từ nhất định mà mọi người, vì lý do nào đó, coi chúng như một cái làm hỏng tâm trạng. Giống như, chúng ta đang nói về pheromone và tình yêu và trẻ em và tình yêu lãng mạn và tình dục và kỳ nghỉ và tuần trăng mật và các bữa tiệc. Và rồi có người nói, hợp đồng. Và có người nói, bạn biết đấy, tài chính, mà có thể điều đó sẽ kích thích một số người. Tôi đoán mọi người trong thế giới tài chính có lẽ sẽ thấy hứng thú với nó. Nhưng bạn có hiểu ý tôi không? Tôi hiểu, đúng rồi. Tôi phải giả định đó là một mạch não khác. Tôi nghĩ có lẽ đúng như vậy. Những gì bạn đang làm là tiếp cận điều này từ một góc độ khác, đó là một phần lý do bạn có mặt ở đây. Bạn đang nói rằng cuộc thảo luận xung quanh một hợp đồng trước hôn nhân có thể làm sáng tỏ hơn về bản chất của mối liên kết và thậm chí có thể sâu sắc hơn mối kết nối. Tất nhiên rồi. Và tôi sẽ nói với bạn, tôi đã làm các hợp đồng trước hôn nhân trong 25 năm cho khách hàng. Và tôi thường kết thúc với việc có một mối quan hệ rất tốt với người mà tôi làm hợp đồng trước hôn nhân, vì bạn đang nói nhiều về những nỗi sợ hãi và hy vọng của họ. Có phải một người hay cả hai? Tôi muốn hỏi điều này. Một lúc một người. Vì vậy, mỗi người có một luật sư riêng. Mỗi người có một luật sư riêng. Bạn không thể, với tư cách là một luật sư, đại diện cho cả hai người, vì họ có những điều được gọi là lợi ích đối lập. Và nếu một người có thu nhập đáng kể hơn để thuê một luật sư tốt hơn, giả sử rằng nhiều tiền sẽ có một luật sư tốt hơn. Tôi phải giả định, trung bình, điều đó là đúng. Đúng. Đúng vậy, đó là điều đáng tiếc. Đó là một điều đáng tiếc.
    Ý tôi là, một trong những dự án mà tôi đã tham gia trong vài tháng qua là một trang web, trustedprenup.com. Tôi đã làm việc với một vài người trong lĩnh vực công nghệ để tạo ra một cái gì đó sẽ dân chủ hóa việc ký hôn ước. Bởi vì cho đến hiện tại, hôn ước đã trở thành thứ mà bạn biết đấy, bạn phải chi 5.000, 10.000, 15.000 đô la cho một luật sư truyền thống để soạn thảo cho bạn. Sau đó, vị hôn thê của bạn mang nó đến một luật sư để xem xét. Rồi họ muốn thực hiện các sửa đổi. Và nó giống như bước vào một quy trình đối kháng thay vì dân chủ hóa hôn ước. Vậy nên, những gì chúng tôi đang cố gắng làm là tận dụng sự đổi mới công nghệ, trí tuệ nhân tạo. Hàng trăm hôn ước tôi đã soạn thảo, chúng tôi đã đưa vào để tạo ra khả năng cho bạn vào trực tuyến và tạo ra một hôn ước với chi phí khoảng 600, 700 đô la. Wow, điều đó sẽ thay đổi cuộc chơi. Đây thực sự là một cơ hội. Nhưng mục đích của nó, theo quan điểm của tôi, không chỉ là để dân chủ hóa hôn ước, mà còn để thực sự định hình lại cách chúng ta nhìn nhận vấn đề này. Bởi vì mọi người thường đến và họ nói, ừ, tôi không biết liệu tôi có cần một hôn ước không vì tôi không giàu có. Và bạn nói, bạn vẫn sẽ có một bộ quy tắc áp dụng cho cuộc hôn nhân của bạn. Thực tế, nếu bạn rất giàu, như hầu hết khách hàng của tôi, họ có khả năng mua thêm sáu ngôi nhà. Như bạn giữ ngôi nhà này, tôi sẽ mua một ngôi nhà khác ở gần đó, rồi chúng ta sẽ mua thêm một ngôi nhà cho bọn trẻ, và sau đó chúng ta sẽ ghé thăm chúng ở ngôi nhà đó. Điều đó thực sự gọi là tổ ấm. Đó là một khái niệm. Đó là tổ ấm sao? Tổ ấm là khi bạn mỗi bên – Lúc tôi còn nhỏ, tổ ấm có ý nghĩa rất khác. Tổ ấm hiện nay là khi mỗi người đều có ngôi nhà riêng, và một ngôi nhà chỉ là nơi sống của bọn trẻ. Thay vì thực hiện việc luân chuyển giám hộ mà bọn trẻ đi qua đi lại giữa các ngôi nhà, bọn trẻ sẽ có một ngôi nhà, và phụ huynh có quyền chăm sóc trong thời gian đó sẽ ở trong tổ ấm với bọn trẻ. Khi tôi còn học đại học, tổ ấm là khi bạn có một chiếc khăn trải bàn. Tuyệt vời. Tuyệt vời. Vâng, đó là một điều – đó là một điều rất – bạn biết đấy, những người giàu có chia tay theo cách khác với nhân dân nói chung. Và vì vậy chúng tôi đang cố gắng nói rằng, hãy nhìn vào điều này – hãy dân chủ hóa việc này. Hãy cho mọi người phát triển một bộ quy tắc. Bởi vì đặc biệt, khi bạn có sự khan hiếm. Như hầu hết mọi người không thể đủ khả năng để mất một nửa tất cả những gì họ có và vẫn đủ để sinh hoạt. Hầu hết mọi người đều sống từ lương này sang lương khác. Hầu hết mọi người chỉ cần một vài kỳ lương nữa là có thể dẫn đến tình trạng phá sản nếu mọi thứ không diễn ra đúng cách. Vì vậy, khi họ ly hôn và giờ đó chúng ta có hai hóa đơn điện và hai hóa đơn internet và hai – đó là điều mà hầu hết mọi người không thể làm. Thế nên càng có lý do hơn để mọi người có một bộ quy tắc mà hai người cùng tạo ra. Lần nữa, khi họ cảm thấy tích cực và rộng lượng và lạc quan với nhau và họ đang cố gắng bảo vệ bạn. Bởi vì đối với tôi cá nhân, tôi không biết bạn có thể cảm thấy được yêu thương như thế nào nếu bạn không cảm thấy an toàn. Như tôi nghĩ bạn phải cảm thấy an toàn, an toàn về mặt tình cảm, an toàn về mặt thể xác. Như nếu bạn sợ đối tác của mình về mặt tình cảm, thể xác, làm thế nào bạn có thể thực sự cảm thấy được yêu thương? Vì vậy, đối với tôi, hôn ước là một lời mời để A, liệu chúng ta có thể nói về những điều khó khăn không? Bởi vì tôi sẽ nói với bạn ngay bây giờ, khi ai đó nói với tôi, ừ, tôi sẽ ký hôn ước. Tôi biết đó sẽ là – nhưng, bạn biết đấy, điều đó chỉ sẽ là một cuộc trò chuyện khó khăn. Đừng kết hôn. Nếu bạn không thể có những cuộc trò chuyện khó khăn với một người, bạn hoàn toàn không có lý do gì để kết hôn với họ. Ý tôi là điều đó tốt cho tôi như một nguồn thu nhập trong tương lai. Nhưng tôi đang nói với bạn, tôi không nghĩ đó là một ý tưởng tốt. Như bạn sẽ phải nói về những điều khó khăn. Bạn biết đấy, và bạn sẽ phải có những sự thật không thoải mái thay vì những lời nói dối thoải mái với người đó. Bạn biết đấy, vì vậy tôi là một người rất ủng hộ việc sớm trong quá trình có những cuộc trò chuyện đó. Và một lần nữa, không phải tất cả đều phải giống như, bạn biết đấy, cuộc trò chuyện – như khi bạn nói về di chúc của bạn, đó là một cuộc trò chuyện khó khăn. Như không có điều gì đáng giá khi chết, bạn biết đấy, ngoài việc không phải sử dụng mạng xã hội. Như không có mặt tích cực nào cả. Vì vậy, tôi hiểu tại sao mọi người nghĩ rằng thật khó để suy nghĩ về, như nếu tôi chết và nếu cả hai chúng tôi đều chết, chúng tôi sẽ làm gì với bọn trẻ? Như đó là một cuộc trò chuyện khó khăn. Nhưng nhìn này, nếu chúng ta chia tay, bạn sẽ cần gì để cảm thấy an toàn? Như liệu bạn – bạn biết đấy, có một câu trong bài hát của Prince, If I Was Your Girlfriend. Và đó là, liệu bạn có chạy đến với tôi nếu ai đó làm tổn thương bạn ngay cả khi người đó là tôi không? Và tôi nghĩ có điều gì đó rất ngọt ngào khi nói với ai đó như, ê, nếu tôi làm bạn tổn thương, tôi làm thế nào để bạn vẫn cảm thấy an toàn? Như làm thế nào tôi có thể khiến bạn vẫn cảm thấy được yêu thương? Như tôi không nghĩ rằng, bạn biết đấy, khi tôi gặp ai đó và họ bị vẽ như một kẻ phản diện, như không có phẩm chất nào để chuộc lỗi. Và điều đó xảy ra thường xuyên. Bạn biết đấy, thật sự thường xuyên mọi người làm điều đó. Và đối với tôi điều đó nói lên rất nhiều về các giá trị cốt lõi của cả hai người này, bạn biết đấy. Tôi nghĩ có giá trị thực sự khi nói với ai đó ngay từ đầu như, ê, nếu tôi làm bạn tổn thương, bạn sẽ cần gì từ tôi? Như chúng ta cần gì để trở nên hoàn chỉnh? Làm thế nào chúng ta có thể cảm thấy an toàn trong mối quan hệ này? Đó là những gì những cuộc thảo luận đó nói về. Như việc ném những từ như hợp đồng, ném những từ như kinh tế vào đó, tôi hiểu. Như tôi nghĩ bạn hoàn toàn đúng. Có điều gì đó về những từ đó. Nhưng tôi nghĩ thực tế có thể rất đẹp. Tôi không nghĩ rằng – tôi không nghĩ rằng bạn phải chỉnh sửa mọi thứ bằng máy tính để nó hoàn hảo. Tôi nghĩ nó đã hoàn hảo rồi. Có điều gì đó rất hoàn hảo về cách mà chúng ta không hoàn hảo và sai sót và sợ hãi. Và tôi nghĩ có điều gì đó thực sự đẹp đẽ khi tìm thấy một người mà bạn có thể sống với điều đó. Và tôi không nghĩ tôi có thể học mọi điều tôi cần biết về bản thân từ chính mình. Như tôi nghĩ tôi cần có ai đó ở đó.
    Lý tưởng nhất là một người thực sự yêu tôi, cổ vũ cho tôi và nhận thấy những điểm mù của tôi. Và tôi nghĩ rằng cuộc trò chuyện về thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân, đó là điều mà cuộc trò chuyện đó nên là. Thật tuyệt vời. Tôi yêu cách bạn đón nhận cuộc sống với tất cả ánh sáng và bóng tối của nó và nói, được rồi, hãy chấp nhận tất cả những điều đó ngay từ đầu và tìm ra điều gì sẽ mang lại khả năng thành công cao nhất. Vâng, đó là thực tế. Tôi chưa bao giờ nghĩ về thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân như một cách để củng cố khả năng hôn nhân thành công. Vâng, tôi đang nói cho bạn biết, và tôi đã bị lạc đề như tôi thường làm, nhưng tôi đã thực hiện có thể hàng trăm hoặc nếu không phải hàng nghìn thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân trong 25 năm qua. Tôi nghĩ có thể chỉ có năm người mà tôi đã làm thủ tục ly hôn sau khi họ có thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân. Thật sao? Vâng. Tôi nghĩ mọi người cần nghe lại điều đó. Tôi nghĩ là đúng. Vậy tôi đã làm hàng trăm, nếu không phải ít nhất một nghìn thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân trong 25 năm. Tôi có thể làm hai hoặc ba thỏa thuận mỗi tuần. Vậy là tôi làm rất nhiều thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân. Hầu hết các đồng nghiệp của tôi cũng làm rất nhiều thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân. Và tôi chưa bao giờ hỏi các đồng nghiệp của mình điều này. Nhưng, bạn biết đấy, thường thì khi bạn thực hiện thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân, bạn có một mối quan hệ tốt với người đó khi mọi việc kết thúc. Đó là một giao dịch mà mọi người cảm thấy tốt về nó. Đó là một cuộc ly hôn. Đôi khi bạn kết thúc một cuộc ly hôn và người đó sẽ nói, ôi trời, tôi không bao giờ muốn gặp bạn nữa vì bạn làm tôi nhớ đến một chương tối tăm trong cuộc đời. Nhưng các thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân thường là một giao dịch rất thân thiện. Nó tích cực. Điều này khiến tôi ngạc nhiên. Vậy những người có thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân thường không chia tay. Vâng, đúng vậy, Ron. Đúng vậy. Tôi nghĩ nhiều người sẽ rất ngạc nhiên khi nghe điều đó. Tôi nghĩ đó là sự chọn lọc tự nhiên. Tôi nghĩ những người có thể có cuộc trò chuyện mà bạn cần có để thảo luận và thương lượng. Và, một lần nữa, có một thuật ngữ khác. Tôi không nghĩ đó là thuật ngữ chính xác, nhưng thương lượng một thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân. Thương lượng gây ấn tượng như thể bạn đang mua một chiếc xe, bạn biết đấy. Những người có thể có những cuộc trò chuyện mà bạn cần có để có được thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân, tôi nghĩ rằng họ là những người sẽ kết hôn thành công. Giai đoạn nào đó là như vậy. Tôi không muốn nói về một thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân vì tôi không muốn nói về khả năng rằng mọi thứ có thể sai lệch với điều này. Nó hoàn hảo. Nó tuyệt vời. Nó như bánh ngọt. Nó như hoa hồng. Nó chỉ là lãng mạn và tình dục, và thật tuyệt vời. Được rồi. Bạn không có – lắng nghe nhé, cảm giác như bay trong một khoảng thời gian ngắn, bạn biết đấy. Rồi sau đó bạn rơi xuống đất, và điều đó đang chờ bạn. Và nếu lần đầu tiên bạn nghĩ về những quyền và nghĩa vụ pháp lý mà bạn có, là khi bạn ở trong văn phòng của tôi, thì bạn đã bị kẹt rồi. Bạn đã bị kẹt rồi. Bạn chưa làm gì để chuẩn bị về mặt cảm xúc, tài chính, bạn biết đấy, không có gì cả. Vậy có điều gì đó về trí tưởng tượng, đúng không, rằng mọi người – nếu bạn chỉ là kiểu người mà nói, tôi không muốn nói chuyện. Tôi thực sự đã gặp phải – tôi có một – họ sẽ giữ bí mật tên, nhưng đó là một hàng xóm, và tôi cố gắng – thỉnh thoảng tôi nghĩ rằng tôi sẽ cố gắng trở thành một người xã hội hơn. Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ, ôi, tôi nên mời hàng xóm qua uống một ly, bạn biết đấy, một cặp. Và họ không sống gần tôi nữa, vì vậy tôi có thể làm điều đó bây giờ. Nhưng tôi đã mời những người này đến uống một ly, và họ đến, những người thật tuyệt vời. Nhưng vào một thời điểm, cô ấy nói, ôi, bạn biết đấy, tôi không biết bạn làm điều bạn làm thế nào. Như, chúng tôi không cho phép từ D trong nhà của chúng tôi. Và tôi đã nghĩ, bạn nghĩa là gì? Cô ấy nói, không, không, chúng tôi chỉ – bạn không được phép nói từ ly hôn trong nhà chúng tôi. Cô ấy nói, như thể ly hôn, như thể cô đang nói Voldemort. Bạn biết đấy, cô ấy đã nói, chúng tôi không nói từ D. Và tôi đã nghĩ trong đầu, giá như điều đó dễ dàng như vậy. Bạn biết đấy, vừa mới ly hôn, như ba năm sau. Thật sao? Ồ, vâng. Ồ, vâng. Một trăm phần trăm. Và, như một cuộc tranh cãi kịch liệt, tàn nhẫn. Cả hai họ đều cố gắng gọi cho tôi và thuê tôi, bạn biết đấy, và tôi sẽ không đại diện cho những người mà tôi biết trong bất kỳ tư cách nào. Và tôi chỉ nhớ đã nghĩ, đó là một ảo tưởng. Giống như, tôi sẽ không bao giờ nói từ đó – bạn là gì, bà cố của tôi? Giống như, bạn phải nói ung thư như thế này. Bởi vì nếu bạn nói ung thư với âm lượng bình thường, đột nhiên, như, khối u sẽ phát triển. Giống như, bạn có mê tín đến vậy không? Bạn có tin – bạn biết đấy, bạn cũng có tin Chewbacca không? Điều đó thật điên rồ. Ý tôi là, mê tín là một hình thức của nỗi lo. Vâng. Đó là một hình thức nhẹ nhàng của nỗi lo. Tất nhiên. Nhưng đó là một hình thức của nỗi lo. Tất nhiên. Vâng. Nhưng tôi nghĩ rằng – bạn biết đấy, tôi luôn nói rằng tôi nghĩ rằng hầu hết các thái độ của chúng ta về hôn nhân đã được truyền từ thế hệ này sang thế hệ khác. Như thể, hôn nhân, bạn có thể là người hiện đại nhất, một người phụ nữ như Bella Abzug. Và nhiều phụ nữ sẽ như, ô, vâng, tôi vẫn muốn cha tôi dẫn tôi đi xuống lối đi và trao tôi đi. Thật sao? Bạn là một giám đốc cấp cao tại một công ty phần mềm và ông ấy sẽ trao bạn cho ai, cho gì, những con dê? Giống như, điều này sẽ xảy ra – vì bạn là tài sản của cha bạn và bây giờ bạn sẽ trở thành tài sản và ông ấy sẽ trao bạn cho chồng bạn và giờ bạn sẽ là tài sản của ông ấy. Đó là nguồn gốc của truyền thống này, mọi người. Bạn nghĩ rằng nền tảng tâm lý của những gì bạn đang mô tả là gì? Có phải là một dạng xác thực bên trong về giá trị, xác thực bên ngoài về giá trị? Ý tôi là, không có gì trong số đó có ý nghĩa gì với tôi khi tôi nhìn vào – bạn biết đấy, như bạn đã nói, như, giả sử – đây là những ví dụ cực đoan, nhưng một giám đốc nữ cấp cao. Vâng. Hãy làm thử – hoặc một người sáng lập cũng vậy. Chắc chắn. Những người đó tồn tại. Tôi từ khu vực Vịnh. Có khá nhiều người như vậy. Tôi đại diện cho một vài người trong số họ. Vâng. Vâng. Và thường thì, họ sẽ lấy họ của chồng sắp cưới. Thú vị. Không phải lúc nào cũng vậy. 100%. Điều đó phổ biến hơn nhiều so với việc đàn ông lấy họ của vợ. Ồ, vâng. Phổ biến hơn rất nhiều.
    Thực ra, tôi không thể nghĩ ra một ví dụ nào cả. Một số – tôi đã có một vài trường hợp mà họ ghép tên. Đó là một điều mới. Ồ, các nhà sinh học tiến hóa làm như vậy. Trước đây, tất cả các nhà sinh học tiến hóa đều làm như vậy. Phần lớn cho con cái tên của người chồng. Phần lớn đều cho con cái tên của người chồng. Và, tôi không biết liệu đó có phải là điều của đàn ông không, như kiểu, đàn ông thì như vậy, đó là đứa trẻ của tôi. Chúng sẽ mang tên của tôi. Tôi thực sự không biết. Nhưng, vâng, có – rất nhiều thứ về nữ quyền bị vứt qua một bên. Một điều khác nữa là trong trường hợp ly hôn – tôi đã quan sát điều này. Tôi không có số liệu thống kê về điều này. Nhưng phụ nữ sẽ giữ lại họ của chồng cũ bởi vì những gì tôi được cho biết là họ muốn có cùng họ với con cái của họ. Điều đó khá phổ biến. Điều đó là dễ hiểu. Vâng. Nhưng, tất nhiên, con cái có thể đổi họ. Điều đó loại bỏ một mức độ nhầm lẫn nào đó vì ở trường, như là, để nói, bạn biết đấy, đây là tên của tôi. Tên của đứa trẻ khác. Vì vậy, phần đó tôi hiểu. Tôi hoàn toàn hiểu. Nhưng tôi cũng – và nhân tiện, tôi có khách hàng – vì bạn không cần phải đổi tên về lại, nhưng bạn có quyền làm vậy. Và tôi có những khách hàng nam, như là, họ muốn lấy lại tên của mình. Như là, tôi không muốn cô ấy được phép sử dụng cái tên đó nữa. Bạn có nghiêm túc không? Và tôi phải giải thích cho họ, bạn – Đó là điều thật buồn cười. Bạn không thể ép cô ấy không được có tên của bạn. Anh ấy như, vâng, đó là tên của tôi. Và tôi như, bạn hiểu không? Tôi có thể thay đổi – miễn là bạn không làm điều đó với mục đích lừa dối các chủ nợ, bất kỳ ai cũng có thể – tôi có thể thay đổi tên của mình thành Andrew Huberman vào ngày mai nếu tôi muốn. Vâng. Miễn là tôi không làm điều đó để lừa dối các chủ nợ của tôi. Bạn sẽ gặp rất nhiều vấn đề hơn là nó đáng. Bạn sẽ là cuộc sống. Tôi sẽ là bà Huberman. Điều đó thật vui. Thật sự rất vui. Ôi, chao ôi. Không, bạn sẽ là Andrew Huberman, và điều đó đi kèm với một số trách nhiệm nhất định nữa. Vâng, nghe có vẻ mệt mỏi. Tôi không nghĩ tôi có thể xử lý điều đó. Đó là niềm vui toàn thời gian. Tôi không thể làm điều đó. Tôi cũng không thể nâng tạ nhiều như vậy. Đúng vậy. Niềm vui toàn thời gian. Không, chỉ đùa thôi. Nói nghiêm túc, wow, mọi người đã yêu cầu lấy lại tên của họ. Vâng, họ muốn cô ấy bị cấm sử dụng tên của cô ấy. Và mặc dù con cái mang tên đó. Nhưng một lần nữa, đó là điều tức giận. Như, đó chỉ là một biểu hiện thuần túy của sự tức giận, và tôi hiểu điều đó. Bạn biết đấy, nhiều những gì tôi làm là giúp mọi người đến được cốt lõi của, như, điều gì thực sự làm họ khó chịu, và đó là rất nhiều những gì công việc của tôi là. Như, bằng cử nhân của tôi là về tâm lý học. Bằng thạc sĩ của tôi là về nhân học văn hóa, và cụ thể là trong nghiên cứu về cái chết và sự chết. Và sau đó bằng luật của tôi, tôi muốn trở thành một luật sư ly hôn ngay khi tôi bắt đầu trường luật. Và tôi nghĩ tôi đã sử dụng bằng tâm lý học nhiều như tôi đã sử dụng bằng luật, vì rất nhiều những gì tôi làm là chỉ đơn giản là xử lý với mọi người khi họ đang ở trong trạng thái cảm xúc rất cao. Như, tôi là người yêu thích đức tin, nhưng chỉ không phải là đức tin mù quáng. Như, tôi là người yêu thích những câu chuyện cổ tích. Nếu những câu chuyện cổ tích gợi lên điều gì đó trong bạn, điều đó thật tuyệt vời. Như, nếu bạn nói với tôi, bạn biết đấy, Jim, tôi thích Star Wars. Như là, cuộc chiến của Jedi chống lại đế chế, như, nó khiến tôi có động lực muốn trở thành một người kỷ luật và để chiến đấu cho cái thiện và không sợ hãi cái ác và biết rằng, như, đó là một câu chuyện đẹp. Nhưng nếu bạn thử nói với tôi rằng Wookiee là có thật, thì, như, chúng ta có một vấn đề, bạn ạ. Bạn cần phải tìm kiếm sự kiểm tra. Như, điều đó không ổn. Điều đó không đúng. Vậy, tỷ lệ ly hôn là 56%. Vì vậy, 56% thời gian, công nghệ này thất bại. 56. 56. Vâng. Thay đổi hàng năm. Nhưng 56 là tỷ lệ ly hôn hiện tại. Được rồi. Vậy, 56% các cuộc hôn nhân kết thúc trong ly hôn. Bây giờ. Điều đó có đúng không, xin lỗi, ở châu Âu cũng vậy không? Và Nam Mỹ cũng vậy không? Và Úc cũng vậy không? Mỗi quốc gia, thống kê khác nhau. Có, Mỹ không có, bạn có thể thực sự tìm kiếm điều này trực tuyến, có một bảng tổng hợp tuyệt vời mà được theo dõi. Nhưng tỷ lệ ly hôn cao nhất là ở, tôi tin rằng, Ý hiện đang dẫn đầu trong cuộc đua đó. Ireland đứng ở vị trí cuối vì thực tế ly hôn không khả thi ở Ireland trong một khoảng thời gian dài. Các quốc gia có một câu chuyện tôn giáo nền tảng rất mạnh, như luật Sharia và những điều tương tự, rõ ràng có tỷ lệ ly hôn rất thấp. Nhưng nó khác nhau về mặt, nhưng các quốc gia mà tôi không muốn nói, bạn biết đấy, như rất hiện đại, bạn biết đấy, nơi đã có sự bùng nổ của truyền thông xã hội, nơi có một môi trường thông tin mở để mọi người có thể so sánh bản thân với những người khác liên tục. Không phải Bắc Triều Tiên. Không phải Bắc Triều Tiên. Một ví dụ tuyệt vời. Vâng. Rằng có một cảm giác, bởi vì thực ra ngay cả Bắc Triều Tiên cũng có một câu chuyện tôn giáo tiềm ẩn. Chỉ là họ đã quyết định rằng họ, hoặc họ đã được cho biết rằng lãnh đạo của họ là một vị thần, bạn biết không? Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ rằng khi bạn không có một câu chuyện tôn giáo nền tảng mà cấm ly hôn như là một phần của cấu trúc của nó, thì bạn để lại cho sự mong muốn của con người ở một mức độ nào đó và các nền tảng văn hóa của nó và truyền thống, đúng không? Và truyền thống trong nhiều, nhiều năm, truyền thống là bạn ở lại kết hôn ngay cả khi bạn không hạnh phúc. Và sau đó truyền thống trong những năm 1970 và 1980 bắt đầu chuyển thành hạnh phúc của bạn quan trọng hơn thể chế hôn nhân. Vì vậy, nếu bạn không hạnh phúc, bạn có thể cần phải rời bỏ hôn nhân của mình và ly hôn. Và đó là khi tỷ lệ ly hôn bắt đầu tăng vọt, đúng không? Vì vậy, và tôi nghĩ điều đó có một số giá trị. Như tôi, bạn biết đấy, truyền thống trong một số cách giống như trí tuệ của những người trước chúng ta và họ đã thấy những điều mà chúng ta có thể không thấy. Và ở một mức độ nào đó, truyền thống là sự áp lực của đồng nghiệp do những người đã chết tạo ra. Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ rằng sự cuốn hút của chúng ta với hôn nhân như là, tôi đã tìm thấy tri kỷ của mình và bây giờ chúng tôi thậm chí không nghĩ đến khả năng chúng tôi kết thúc, mặc dù hoàn toàn 56% thời gian, điều đó sẽ kết thúc.
    Như, đó là phần mà tôi không thể hiểu được, và lần nữa, hãy nhìn vào những con số ở đó. Giả sử một cách thận trọng rằng có thêm 10% nữa ở lại với nhau vì con cái. Bởi vì 56% chỉ là những người thực sự nói rằng, điều này tệ quá, chúng tôi sẽ thuê luật sư và kết thúc chuyện này. Vậy, có bao nhiêu người ở lại với nhau vì con cái hoặc lý do tôn giáo hoặc vì họ không muốn chia sẻ một nửa tài sản của mình? Đó chắc chắn phải là một con số lớn. Ý tôi là, 10% thận trọng, tôi nghĩ thực ra còn cao hơn thế. 20%? Chắc chắn là hơn. Và đây là những cuộc hôn nhân đầu tiên? Hôn nhân đầu tiên, thống kê về mỗi cuộc hôn nhân tiếp theo, tỷ lệ ly hôn cao hơn rất nhiều. Vậy nên, đến lúc đó— Thật sao? Cuộc hôn nhân thứ hai có tỷ lệ ly hôn cao hơn cuộc hôn nhân đầu tiên, cuộc hôn nhân thứ ba còn cao hơn nhiều. Thú vị. Và khi bạn vượt qua ba lần, thì, bạn biết đấy. Tất cả những người đã ly hôn trong gia đình tôi đều tái hôn và ở trong các cuộc hôn nhân thứ hai trong thời gian rất dài. Tôi biết rất nhiều người hạnh phúc trong cuộc hôn nhân thứ hai. Và họ vẫn bên nhau, rất hạnh phúc. Vâng. Tôi nghĩ điều đó có giá trị vì tôi nghĩ là một người đã ly hôn, bạn học được rất nhiều về bản thân mình thông qua quá trình ly hôn. Bạn học được rất nhiều về những gì bạn không muốn làm lại trong một mối quan hệ và những gì không hiệu quả với bạn. Tôi không làm gì một cách hoàn hảo trong lần đầu tiên tôi làm nó. Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ rằng có giá trị khi thử nghiệm điều gì đó. Như bạn không học bơi bằng cách đọc sách về bơi. Bạn học bơi trong hồ bơi. Vì vậy, đó là lý do tại sao tôi cảm thấy yêu thích hôn nhân, mặc dù tỷ lệ ly hôn rất cao. Rõ ràng đây là một công nghệ rất rủi ro. Một người có thể lập luận rằng đó là một hành động liều lĩnh. Bạn biết đấy, nghĩa pháp lý của sự cẩu thả là sự không nhận thức được một rủi ro đáng kể và không thể biện minh của tổn hại nghiêm trọng, đúng không? Sự liều lĩnh về mặt pháp lý là sự phớt lờ có ý thức đối với một rủi ro đáng kể và không thể biện minh của tổn hại nghiêm trọng, đúng không? Vì vậy, nếu bạn biết rằng điều gì đó kết thúc bằng đau khổ và chia sẻ tài sản và tranh cãi mà cần đến luật sư 56% thời gian, và bạn không có kế hoạch gì cho điều đó trước, tôi sẽ lập luận rằng đó là liều lĩnh. Bạn đang phớt lờ có ý thức một rủi ro đáng kể của tổn hại, hết. Vâng, và nếu có trẻ em, điều đó kéo chúng vào cái bẫy. Đó là một loại khác, vâng, một mức độ cao hơn. Bạn có biết những con số hoặc tỷ lệ trung bình về tỷ lệ hôn nhân đầu tiên có con cái và kéo dài không, dù chúng có hạnh phúc hay không? Tôi không biết. Tôi không biết sự phân định đó. Ý tôi là, tôi biết rằng những thống kê này được theo dõi khá chặt chẽ, vì vậy bạn có thể tìm thấy chúng trên mạng khá dễ dàng vì chúng được chính phủ theo dõi. Mỗi khi chúng tôi ly hôn, chúng tôi phải nộp một cái gọi là Giấy chứng nhận Giải quyết Hôn nhân, và giấy chứng nhận đó bao gồm mức học, mức học cao nhất mà mỗi người đã hoàn thành, có trẻ em hay không, số lượng trẻ em, độ tuổi của trẻ em, và toàn bộ mục đích của tài liệu đó là thu thập thông tin nhân khẩu học. Vì vậy, chính phủ trong nhiều năm đã theo dõi điều này và nhìn vào, bạn biết đấy, được rồi, những con số đó là gì? Những con số đó không được công bố rộng rãi. Tôi nghĩ một phần vì ngành công nghiệp đám cưới không muốn mọi người tham gia vào cuộc trò chuyện đó. Như là, bạn không muốn mọi người thực sự nhìn vào sự thật của mọi thứ vì điều đó lấy đi phần nào ảo tưởng về mọi thứ. Nhưng một lần nữa, tôi nghĩ đó là một vấn đề về cách nhìn nhận, vì đối với tôi, tôi nghĩ, bạn biết đấy, những vì sao vẫn đẹp ngay cả khi bạn biết thiên văn học. Như, tôi nghĩ, nếu có gì, tôi thực sự nghĩ và có thể đây chỉ là cách tôi nhìn mọi thứ, thực tế tình yêu là thứ cho vay chứ không phải được tặng vĩnh viễn làm cho nó đẹp hơn. Như, thực tế tôi sẽ chết chắc chắn làm cho cuộc sống của tôi đẹp hơn. Có một số lượng giới hạn các hoàng hôn tôi sẽ thấy. Có một số. Tôi chưa biết con số đó. Nó có thể là năm. Nó có thể là 500. Nhưng có một con số, đúng không? Và vì vậy khi bạn ở bên ai đó, cuộc hôn nhân đó sẽ kết thúc. Mỗi cuộc hôn nhân đều kết thúc. Nó kết thúc bằng cái chết hoặc ly hôn. Đây là một trong những điều duy nhất trên thế giới mà bạn có thể nói, tôi hy vọng điều này kết thúc bằng cái chết. Như, nếu bạn nói với ai đó tại đám cưới của họ, như, người ta, tôi thật sự hy vọng cuộc hôn nhân của bạn kết thúc bằng cái chết, họ sẽ nghĩ, cái gã đó có vấn đề gì vậy? Nhưng điều đó là đúng, vì mọi cuộc hôn nhân đều kết thúc, chúng kết thúc bằng cái chết hoặc ly hôn. Tôi hy vọng rằng cuộc hôn nhân của bạn kết thúc bằng cái chết. Nhưng bạn biết đấy, tôi không nghĩ điều đó làm cho nó kém đẹp hơn. Tôi nghĩ nó làm cho nó đẹp hơn. Rằng mỗi ngày người này thức dậy và quyết định tiếp tục là người bạn đời của bạn và tiếp tục là đối tác của bạn và lý tưởng là cổ vũ cho bạn và bạn biết đấy, là cổ động viên của bạn. Và đối với tôi, thực tế rằng bạn không sở hữu người này, rằng họ có ý chí tự do, họ có quyền tự chủ và sự độc lập, và họ chọn bạn, không chỉ vào một ngày mà bạn mặc quần áo đẹp và mở nhạc hay và mọi người say rượu, điều đó có giá trị và kỷ niệm và hình ảnh của điều đó là một sự nhắc nhở, nhưng thực tế rằng họ mỗi ngày thức dậy và tiếp tục chọn ở bên bạn như thế. Và nếu bạn nói với tôi rằng lý do họ ở bên bạn là họ không muốn ly hôn, như vậy là lý do thật tệ, bạn biết đấy. Tôi đã từng là một người hút thuốc nhiều năm trước. Bạn biết đấy, mọi người thường nói như, ôi, bạn phải bỏ thuốc lá, bạn biết đấy, nó sẽ lấy đi 10 năm trong cuộc đời của bạn. Và tôi nghĩ, đúng vậy, như 10 năm cuối cùng, như những năm già yếu tôi không muốn có. Như bạn đã gặp một người 90 tuổi, như tôi không muốn 90 tuổi. Thế là ổn thôi. Như vậy bạn đang lấy chúng đi ở cuối đời. Khi tôi nhận ra rằng tôi cảm thấy tốt hơn, tôi nếm thức ăn ngon hơn, tôi có thể chạy xa hơn và nhanh hơn, thì điều đó trở nên có ý nghĩa với tôi vì giờ đây có điều gì đó thực tế và hữu hình trong hiện tại. Có điều gì đó có giá trị. Vì vậy, nó cũng giống như vậy. Tôi nghĩ nó cũng giống như vậy với hôn nhân.
    Cũng giống như với hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân, điều này là hãy đừng nói về những gì nó sẽ mang lại cho chúng ta ở phía sau hoặc những gì chúng ta sẽ mất nếu chúng ta không có nó ở phía sau. Hãy nói về điều có thể làm gì cho chúng ta ở hiện tại? Cuộc nói chuyện này có thể làm gì cho chúng ta ngay bây giờ về việc hiểu ý nghĩa của chúng ta với nhau và những gì chúng ta nợ nhau?
    Như nhiều bạn đã biết, tôi đã uống AG1 hàng ngày trong hơn 13 năm. Tuy nhiên, tôi hiện đã tìm thấy một loại thức uống vitamin khoáng chất probiotic tốt hơn. Loại thức uống mới và cải tiến này là AG1 mới, vừa ra mắt trong tháng này. Công thức thế hệ tiếp theo của AG1 là một phiên bản tiên tiến hơn, được chứng minh lâm sàng của sản phẩm mà tôi đã sử dụng hàng ngày trong nhiều năm. Nó bao gồm các chất dinh dưỡng sinh khả dụng mới và probiotics được cải thiện. Công thức thế hệ tiếp theo dựa trên các nghiên cứu mới thú vị về tác động của probiotics lên vi sinh vật đường ruột.
    Và hiện giờ nó bao gồm một số chủng probiotic cụ thể đã được nghiên cứu lâm sàng cho thấy hỗ trợ cho sức khỏe tiêu hóa và sức khỏe hệ thống miễn dịch, cũng như cải thiện sự đều đặn của ruột và giảm đầy hơi. Là một người đã tham gia vào nghiên cứu khoa học trong hơn ba thập kỷ và trong lĩnh vực sức khỏe và thể hình cũng lâu như vậy, tôi luôn tìm kiếm những công cụ tốt nhất để cải thiện sức khỏe tâm thần, sức khỏe thể chất và hiệu suất của mình.
    Tôi đã phát hiện và bắt đầu uống AG1 từ lâu, vào năm 2012, trước khi tôi có podcast, và tôi đã sử dụng nó hàng ngày từ đó đến nay. Tôi thấy nó cải thiện đáng kể mọi khía cạnh của sức khỏe của tôi. Tôi cảm thấy tốt hơn rất nhiều khi uống nó. Theo từng năm trôi qua, và nhân tiện, tôi sẽ mãn 50 tuổi vào tháng 9 này, tôi tiếp tục cảm thấy tốt hơn. Và tôi cho rằng một phần lớn là nhờ AG1.
    AG1 sử dụng nguyên liệu chất lượng cao nhất với các kết hợp đúng đắn, và họ liên tục cải tiến công thức mà không tăng giá cả. Vì vậy, tôi rất vinh dự khi có họ là nhà tài trợ cho podcast này. Nếu bạn muốn thử AG1, bạn có thể truy cập drinkag1.com slash Huberman để nhận một ưu đãi đặc biệt. Hiện tại, AG1 đang tặng một bộ quà chào mừng AG1 với năm gói du lịch miễn phí và một chai vitamin D3 K2 miễn phí. Một lần nữa, hãy truy cập drinkag1.com slash Huberman để nhận bộ quà chào mừng đặc biệt với năm gói du lịch miễn phí và một chai vitamin D3 K2 miễn phí.
    Tập podcast hôm nay cũng được mang lại cho chúng ta bởi Our Place. Our Place sản xuất các nồi, chảo và đồ dùng nấu ăn yêu thích của tôi. Thật ngạc nhiên, các hợp chất độc hại như PFAS hay hóa chất vĩnh cửu vẫn có mặt trong 80% chảo không dính, cũng như các dụng cụ, thiết bị và vô số sản phẩm nhà bếp khác. Như tôi đã đề cập trước đây trong podcast này, các PFAS hay hóa chất vĩnh cửu như Teflon đã được liên kết với các vấn đề sức khỏe lớn như rối loạn hormone, rối loạn vi sinh vật đường ruột, vấn đề sinh sản và nhiều vấn đề sức khỏe khác. Vì vậy điều quan trọng là cố gắng tránh xa chúng.
    Đây là lý do tại sao tôi rất yêu thích Our Place. Các sản phẩm của Our Place được làm từ vật liệu chất lượng cao nhất và hoàn toàn không chứa PFAS và hóa chất độc hại. Tôi đặc biệt yêu thích chảo Titanium Always Pan Pro. Đây là chảo không dính đầu tiên được làm mà không có hóa chất và lớp phủ nào. Thay vào đó, nó sử dụng titanium nguyên chất. Điều này có nghĩa là nó không có hóa chất vĩnh cửu độc hại và không bị suy giảm hoặc mất hiệu quả không dính theo thời gian. Nó cũng rất đẹp mắt. Tôi nấu trứng trong chảo Titanium Always Pan Pro gần như mỗi sáng. Thiết kế cho phép trứng chín hoàn hảo mà không dính vào chảo. Tôi cũng nấu bánh burger và thịt bít tết trong đó, và nó tạo ra một lớp se rất đẹp cho thịt. Nhưng một lần nữa, không có gì dính vào nó, vì vậy thật dễ dàng để vệ sinh, và nó an toàn với máy rửa chén.
    Tôi yêu nó, và tôi thực sự sử dụng nó liên tục. Our Place hiện có một dòng sản phẩm chảo Titanium Pro đầy đủ sử dụng công nghệ không dính titanium đầu tiên trên thế giới. Vì vậy, nếu bạn đang tìm kiếm những nồi chảo không độc hại, bền lâu, hãy đến từ ourplace.com slash Huberman và sử dụng mã Huberman khi thanh toán. Hiện tại, Our Place đang có đợt giảm giá lớn nhất trong mùa. Bạn có thể nhận giảm giá lên đến 30% cho tất cả sản phẩm từ bây giờ đến ngày 12 tháng 5 năm 2025. Với thử nghiệm miễn phí 100 ngày, giao hàng miễn phí và hoàn trả miễn phí, bạn có thể thử Our Place mà không có rủi ro gì và xem lý do tại sao hơn 1 triệu người đã chuyển sang sử dụng đồ dùng nhà bếp Our Place. Một lần nữa, đó là ourplace.com slash Huberman để nhận giảm giá lên đến 30%.
    Tôi bắt đầu có một tư duy về hợp đồng rằng chúng là một công cụ để chấp nhận thực tế, cả những điều tiêu cực tiềm năng, nhưng cũng để làm phong phú những điều tích cực. Và cả trí tưởng tượng nữa. Tôi nghĩ rằng trí tưởng tượng cũng quan trọng. Tôi nghĩ rằng hôn nhân là về một tương lai được tưởng tượng, đúng không? Như kiểu, chúng ta sẽ xây dựng điều này. Nó sẽ trông như thế nào? Giống như khi bạn và đối tác kinh doanh của bạn ngồi xuống cùng nhau, bạn đã có một sự tưởng tượng chung. Bạn không chỉ nói, được rồi, hôm nay chúng ta sẽ làm gì? Chúng ta sẽ xây dựng gì? Chúng ta muốn nó trở thành gì, bạn biết không? Và nhân tiện, nó không bao giờ kết thúc như những gì bạn đã nghĩ. Nó biến thành một cái gì đó hoàn toàn khác. Không có sự điềm báo nào cả. Ý tôi là, đó là một kịch bản rất khác, nhưng không có sự điềm báo. Nhưng tôi không nghĩ rằng nó thực sự khác biệt nhiều. Tôi nghĩ rằng, bạn biết đấy, nếu bạn muốn làm cho Chúa cười, hãy nói cho Người nghe kế hoạch của bạn. Ý tôi là, điều tốt nhất là ý tưởng mơ hồ kiểu như, chúng ta muốn làm gì? Tôi không biết. Chúng ta muốn làm điều gì thú vị cùng nhau. Tôi không biết nó sẽ trông như thế nào chính xác. Tôi nghĩ đây là cấu trúc lỏng lẻo, nhưng tôi không biết chính xác nó là gì. Như bạn biết đấy, bạn và tôi là bạn bè. Chúng ta đã không nói về những gì chúng ta sẽ nói hôm nay. Đúng không? Bạn biết đấy, chúng ta đã nói chuyện mười mấy lần, nhưng chúng ta không nói, vậy, chúng ta nên nói về gì? Tại sao? Bởi vì tôi nghĩ rằng nếu chúng ta làm vậy, nó sẽ không chân thực. Như có cái gì đó tốt hơn nhiều khi chúng ta nói, vâng, chúng ta muốn có một cuộc trò chuyện tốt. Một điều gì đó có giá trị. Điều gì đó mà cả hai chúng ta sẽ cùng thích.
    Và có thể rằng những người xem sẽ thích điều đó, bạn biết không? Vậy thì, điều đó tốt hơn rất nhiều. Và tôi nghĩ rằng những gì bạn đang làm với hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân hoặc với hôn nhân là bạn đang tưởng tượng về một tương lai bên nhau. Ừ, nó trông như thế nào? Nói cho tôi biết. Vì vậy, không chỉ là những điều không được phép. Tôi nghĩ về, bạn biết đấy, một số hướng dẫn nhất định. Như trong lồng đấu, không được đánh vào vùng nhạy cảm. Đúng vậy. Không được chọt mắt. Vậy nên có tất cả những điều kiểu như đó sẽ không xảy ra. Đúng. Và có lý do cho mỗi trong số những quy tắc đó. Bất kể điều gì, X, Y, và Z đều không được đưa ra bàn. Đúng. Điều đó khiến mọi người cảm thấy an toàn. Đúng. Đúng. Bởi vì bạn muốn biết rằng một số điều rất nguy hiểm thì không được phép. Đúng. Nhưng những gì bạn đang nói đến là một số lựa chọn thông qua hợp đồng và hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân. Chắc chắn. Và cũng, cũng là những dấu hiệu. Như, dấu hiệu của việc, nhìn kìa, bạn đã dành rất nhiều thời gian. Một trong những lý do tôi tiêu thụ rất nhiều những gì bạn đưa ra là tôi thích biết những dấu hiệu trước khi tôi gặp vấn đề. Như, tôi thích biết, những điều đó là gì, đo lường những gì quan trọng. Đúng. Như, tôi muốn nhìn vào những gì đã thay đổi và sau đó tôi có thể làm gì để điều chỉnh tại thời điểm đó? Và tôi nghĩ rằng các mối quan hệ cũng giống vậy. Như, vào thời điểm bạn ở trong văn phòng của tôi, đã quá muộn. Như, thật khó khăn hơn rất nhiều để lấy một mối quan hệ đổ gãy và cố gắng làm cho nó tốt lại hơn là để giữ một mối quan hệ tốt và duy trì nó tốt và mạnh mẽ. Như, thật khó khăn hơn để, bạn biết đấy, tăng cân và sau đó cố gắng giảm tất cả nó đi, hơn là duy trì một khối lượng cơ thể khỏe mạnh. Như, nó chỉ đơn giản là dễ hơn. Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ khái niệm tương tự áp dụng, đó là hãy trung thực với chính mình về những gì chúng ta đang hướng tới và những gì chúng ta đang xây dựng và làm thế nào để chúng ta ở lại nơi này. Tôi không thích chỉ có, nó không chỉ là về những điều không chọn. Như, được rồi, nếu chúng ta chia tay, chúng ta sẽ không phải thuê luật sư và chúng ta sẽ không phải trải qua hệ thống tòa án. Chúng ta sẽ biết những quy tắc là gì. Có giá trị trong đó. Nhưng cũng có giá trị vô cùng lớn trong cuộc trò chuyện về việc chúng ta nợ nhau cái gì? Chúng ta đang mang vào mối quan hệ này cái gì? Bởi vì đó là nơi mà phần kinh tế của nó xuất hiện, đó là, bạn biết đấy, và đây là phần mà nó đang đầy ắp những vấn đề giới tính và nó nặng nề đến mức không ai muốn nói về nó hoặc cảm thấy không an toàn khi nói về nó hoặc nói về nó một cách trung thực. Do đó, 56%. Vâng, tôi nghĩ vậy. Tôi nghĩ rằng chúng ta nghèo hơn vì sự không trung thực đó vì tôi hiểu rằng đây là một sự thật không thoải mái. Tôi hiểu rằng thật khó để nói, như, vâng, tôi không biết, có điều gì đó trong tôi muốn như vậy. Như, tôi không biết nó là gì. Tôi không biết đó có phải là sinh học không. Tôi không biết đó có phải là hormone không. Tôi không biết. Nhưng, như, điều này quan trọng với tôi. Như, vâng, tôi muốn có một mối quan hệ tình dục thỏa mãn với bạn, nhưng chúng ta muốn những điều khác nhau về mặt tình dục. Như, tôi muốn tần suất. Bạn muốn, bạn biết đấy, bạn muốn sự mãnh liệt. Như, bất kể nó có thể là gì. Như, dục vọng của nam, dục vọng của nữ, chúng không giống nhau. Về mặt hormone, chúng không giống nhau. Vậy, liệu có ổn không nếu có một cuộc trò chuyện về việc, này, nếu chúng ta kết hôn với nhau, chúng ta thường có một mối quan hệ tình dục. Và vì vậy, điều hiện tại là tốt, tôi tưởng tượng. Vì vậy, làm thế nào để chúng ta biết khi nào chúng ta đang trượt khỏi cơ sở? Và làm thế nào để chúng ta biết – và nhân tiện, làm thế nào để chúng ta biết nơi nào – khi chúng ta trượt khỏi cơ sở, đó không phải là dấu hiệu của sự thảm họa, đúng không? Như, nếu tôi tám tuổi và thị lực của tôi bắt đầu trở nên thật tệ, có lẽ sẽ đáng lo ngại hơn nếu tôi 52 và bây giờ tôi cần kính đọc. Như, đây là những điều bình thường hơn, đúng không? Vậy tại sao không nói, như, này, tôi không nói rằng số lượng tình dục mà chúng ta có khi đang hẹn hò hoặc đính hôn là cơ sở. Và nếu chúng ta bao giờ trượt khỏi điều đó, điều đó có nghĩa là mối quan hệ đang gặp rắc rối. Đó là một tuyên bố điên rồ. Vậy, liệu các hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân có bao gồm các cuộc thảo luận hoặc thỏa thuận về tình dục, tiền bạc, v.v…? Chúng có thể. Ồ, tiền chắc chắn. Tình dục, chúng có thể. Và tôi nghĩ rằng cuộc trò chuyện tổng thể nên bao quanh các hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân và lý do mà tôi nghĩ rằng những người ký hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân, theo sự quan sát của tôi, ít có khả năng ly hôn hơn, là ở phần đầu của điều này, bạn đang có những cuộc trò chuyện về việc chúng ta nợ nhau cái gì, chúng ta mong đợi gì từ nhau, điều gì có ý nghĩa với chúng ta về nhau, bạn mang lại giá trị gì cho cuộc sống của tôi? Như, tại sao chúng ta lại không thể làm điều đó trong bất kỳ mối quan hệ nào khác? Như, nếu ngay bây giờ, bạn là bạn của tôi, có người nói, tại sao bạn thích Andrew Huberman làm bạn? Tôi có thể liệt kê một danh sách những điều. Anh ấy thật thú vị. Anh ấy rất quan tâm. Anh ấy biết nhiều thông tin hay về các bài tập thể dục. Anh ấy rất vui khi ở bên. Anh ấy ăn giống như tôi, khá nhàm chán. Anh ấy không uống, giống như tôi, để chúng tôi có thể cùng nhau đi chơi. Tôi không cảm thấy kỳ lạ vì tôi không uống vì anh ấy cũng vậy. Như, có một danh sách dài những thứ tôi có thể nói. Tôi cũng sẽ nói những điều giống hệt về bạn. Đó. Ngoại trừ việc bạn biết một số thứ mà tôi không biết ngoài ra. Nhưng, bạn biết đấy, chúng tôi quan tâm. Chúng tôi thú vị. Tình bạn của chúng tôi có lý do, phải không? Vậy thì, tại sao? Và nhân tiện, có phải thật đẹp khi nghe ai đó nói về điều họ thích ở bạn không? Như, tôi nghĩ đó là một trong những điều đẹp nhất trên thế giới khi ai đó nói, bạn biết điều gì tôi thích ở bạn, Jim? Tôi đang lắng nghe. Nói cho tôi biết, bạn biết không? Hoặc nếu ai đó mà tôi yêu và tin tưởng và biết, như, tôi biết bạn là bạn của tôi. Nếu bạn gọi cho tôi và bạn nói, bạn biết đấy, Jim, tôi có thể cho bạn phản hồi xây dựng không? Như, có điều gì đó tôi nghĩ bạn đang làm khiến bạn tự cản trở chính mình? Chà, tôi sẽ rất quan tâm lắng nghe. Tôi sẽ rất muốn nghe điều đó. Bạn có thể đã gọi cho tôi. Bạn đã gọi cho tôi một vài lần. Vâng, đó là quyền riêng tư giữa luật sư và khách hàng. Tôi không thể đề cập đến nó. Nhưng vâng, tôi nghĩ có điều gì đó.
    Đó là một sự kiện trong cuộc sống của một cặp đôi, phải không? Vậy tại sao trong bối cảnh lãng mạn này bạn lại lãng phí cơ hội để có cuộc trò chuyện đó? Đây là những gì bạn mang lại cho cuộc sống của tôi. Đây là cách bạn khiến tôi cảm thấy. Đây là lúc tôi cảm thấy được yêu thương nhất. Đây là lúc tôi cảm thấy không được yêu thương như bạn. Tôi nghĩ rằng khi mọi người nghe từ “hôn ước”, họ đang nghĩ đến việc kết thúc. Nó liên quan đến cái kết. Đó là hợp đồng sẽ chia tách tài sản để chúng ta không phải trả một khoản nhất định cho các luật sư. Mọi người sẽ cảm thấy an toàn. Bạn không phải lo lắng rằng bạn sẽ phải chấp nhận bất kể điều gì, ít hơn hoặc nhiều hơn số tiền này. Ý tôi là, điều đó có giá trị. Tất cả đều là những điều quý giá. Tôi không nghĩ, tôi có thể nhầm, nhưng tôi không nghĩ hầu hết mọi người liên kết từ “hôn ước” với bất kỳ điều gì liên quan đến sự thành công của cuộc hôn nhân, có lẽ đó là lý do tại sao rất ít người có hôn ước. Có ý tưởng nào về tỷ lệ phần trăm của các cuộc hôn nhân không? Không, vì điều kỳ diệu về một hôn ước là nó không được nộp ở đâu cả. Nó chỉ ở trong tủ an toàn của bạn, luật sư có một bản trong tủ an toàn của họ, đó là một hợp đồng. Và nó có ràng buộc như bất kỳ điều gì khác không? Ồ, có. Bởi vì chúng ta biết rằng hiện nay các thứ như NDA thì khá linh hoạt. Không, NDA linh hoạt vì NDA là một cấu trúc tương đối mới và chưa thực sự được kiểm nghiệm. Cũng giống như hợp đồng không cạnh tranh, đã có thời gian hợp đồng không cạnh tranh được coi là quá rộng và không đáng giá những gì được in trên giấy của chúng. Sau đó, mọi người cố gắng điều chỉnh chúng. Và bây giờ, bạn biết đấy, hợp đồng không cạnh tranh mà cụ thể về địa lý và thời gian, như, bạn biết đấy, hệ thống tòa án, luật sống tìm ra, được rồi, đây là cách chúng ta cần điều chỉnh nó. Hôn ước, cũng xảy ra điều tương tự. Đã có rất nhiều hôn ước trong quá khứ bị loại bỏ. Nhưng trong 25 năm tôi đã hành nghề, hãy tin tôi, tôi đã cố gắng để hủy bỏ một vài hôn ước và tôi đã không thành công, và tôi là một luật sư giỏi. Nhưng rất khó để hủy bỏ một hôn ước được soạn thảo đúng cách, bạn biết không. Và tôi nghĩ điều đó là tốt, bởi vì, một lần nữa, cái khung cần phải thay đổi, đó là mỗi người đều có một hôn ước. Nó được viết bởi chính phủ và có thể thay đổi bởi chính phủ mà không thông báo cho bạn, và sau đó bạn không thể từ chối theo bộ quy tắc mới, hoặc đó là một cái mà bạn và đối tác của bạn cùng soạn thảo. Tôi muốn trở lại với hôn ước và thật không may là về ly hôn, nhưng tôi muốn nói về tình yêu và các hợp đồng, cả về mặt cảm xúc và thực tiễn xung quanh tình yêu thêm một chút nữa. Bạn có nghĩ rằng mọi người hoàn toàn trung thực với bản thân và với người khác khi họ quyết định kết hôn hoặc đơn giản chỉ để trở thành “người bạn đời” hoặc chỉ trở thành đối tác không? Ý tôi là, bạn có nghĩ rằng một phần của sức hút từ dopamine, oxytocin, pheromone, mây xã hội, xin lỗi, và tất cả những thứ đi cùng với nó không? Ý tôi là, còn gì vui hơn việc rời khỏi phòng ngủ cùng một người mà bạn hoàn toàn phát cuồng, tắm rửa và ra ngoài, gặp gỡ bạn bè, và bạn vui vẻ, họ vui vẻ, rồi lại trở về nhà một lần nữa, lặp lại? Có rất ít điều khiến bạn có thể nhìn từ bên ngoài để thấy một cặp đôi thực sự hạnh phúc và đang yêu, và bạn không cần phải biết hoặc quan tâm về những gì họ làm ở riêng tư. Bạn chỉ cần cảm nhận được họ yêu nhau bao nhiêu. Bạn cảm nhận được bầu không khí từ họ. Vâng, ý tôi là, tôi nghĩ có một hiệu ứng pheromone về điều đó. Ý tôi là, có một sinh học linh trưởng rất nghiêm túc hỗ trợ cho tất cả điều đó mà chúng ta thậm chí không cần thảo luận. Chúng ta có thể để nó vào một bên và mọi người đều biết chúng ta đang nói về gì. Nhưng, bạn biết đấy, bên dưới đó là, như bạn đã nói, những nhu cầu của chúng ta. Những nhu cầu mà trong tương lai có thể ai đó không cảm thấy được đáp ứng. Chắc chắn. Và những thứ tương tự. Rất khó để dự đoán nhu cầu của ai đó, đặc biệt nếu đó là mối quan hệ đầu tiên hoặc thứ ba. Chắc chắn. Bạn biết đấy, bạn cần một số kinh nghiệm, và đôi khi, bạn gặp đúng người khi 18 tuổi, và đó là một điều đẹp đẽ. Ồ, vâng. Vậy bạn nghĩ rằng mọi người hiểu như thế nào để hiểu nhu cầu của bản thân và chưa nói đến việc biểu đạt chúng? Vâng. Tôi nghĩ tôi luôn nói rằng những cuộc sống nguy hiểm nhất là những lời nói dối mà chúng ta tự kể cho bản thân. Và tôi nói trong cuốn sách của tôi rằng tất cả vấn đề trong hôn nhân đều xuất phát từ hai vấn đề cơ bản. Chúng ta không biết mình muốn gì, và chúng ta không biết cách diễn đạt những gì mình muốn, ngay cả khi chúng ta biết mình muốn gì. Chúng ta không biết cách diễn đạt nó với đối tác. Và tôi nghĩ đó là hai vấn đề rất khác nhau nhưng lại có liên quan sâu sắc với nhau. Tôi nghĩ một trong những sai lầm lớn mà chúng ta mắc phải là chúng ta thường yêu rất nhanh trong những gì mà chúng ta gọi là tình yêu, đúng không? Tôi cảm thấy không rõ ràng về toàn bộ khái niệm yêu vì nhiều thứ được mô tả như tình yêu giống như cái gì đó được thiết kế vào thập niên 1950 để bán dầu gội. Tôi không – ý tưởng này rằng bạn gặp một người và sau đó người đó sẽ là bạn tâm giao của bạn. Như ai đó đã tạo ra thuật ngữ bạn tâm giao, tôi nợ họ một khoản tiền khổng lồ. Thực ra, trong một số tôn giáo, có một từ chỉ sự lựa chọn do Chúa định. Vâng, như “bashert” của tôi, số phận của tôi, đúng không? Lựa chọn do Chúa ban, một người đặc biệt sẽ đáp ứng nhu cầu đó. Nhưng ngay cả khi bạn nói, được rồi, người này đã được chọn bởi một vị thần sáng tạo toàn năng, thì điều đó cũng hợp lý hơn việc nói rằng tôi đã gặp một người và họ sẽ là bạn tốt nhất, người đồng nuôi dưỡng tốt nhất, người ở chung tốt nhất, bạn đồng hành du lịch tốt nhất, đối tác tình dục tốt nhất, bạn tâm giao tốt nhất, đối tác tài chính tốt nhất. Chờ đã, tất cả những điều đó sao? Như họ sẽ kiểm tra tất cả những điều đó – và họ tình cờ sống cách bạn ba dặm? Và đến cùng một quán cà phê trong một thế giới có 8 tỷ người? Vậy xác suất là gì? Như tôi chắc chắn sẽ tin vào Chúa nếu đó là thực tế. Nhưng sự thật là, tôi không nghĩ rằng nó như vậy. Tôi nghĩ đó là sự kết hợp của pheromone và dopamine. Và bạn biết đấy, tôi hiểu. Tôi hiểu điều đó.
    Nhưng tại sao chúng ta phải nhìn nhận nó như những ngày đầu tiên của một mối quan hệ, nơi mà – nhìn này, cả hai chúng ta đã từng yêu. Chúng ta đã từng ở trong một mối quan hệ lãng mạn, nơi mà chỉ cần người đó chạm vào bạn hoặc mùi hương của họ làm bạn cảm nhận và giống như một cú sốc điện xuyên qua bạn. Đó là phép màu. Nó chỉ là loại thuốc tuyệt vời nhất trên thế giới và bạn – nhưng nếu điều đó kéo dài mãi mãi, bạn sẽ không bao giờ hoàn thành được bất cứ điều gì. Giống như nền văn minh sẽ tiêu vong vì tất cả chúng ta chỉ muốn ngồi đó ngửi tóc của ai đó cả ngày. Giống như chúng ta chỉ muốn ở gần nhau cả ngày. Và nhân tiện, không chỉ là cảm xúc của chúng ta về họ, mà còn là cách họ khiến chúng ta cảm thấy về chính mình. Giống như tại sao bạn nghĩ rằng những cuộc hôm hẹn lại có sức hấp dẫn đến vậy? Bởi vì bạn đã ở trong một mối quan hệ với người này và họ thậm chí không còn nhìn bạn nữa và bạn cũng không còn nhìn họ nữa. Sau đó bạn gặp người khác và họ nói, bạn thật hấp dẫn. Bạn tài giỏi. Bạn đẹp trai. Và đột nhiên bạn bắt đầu cảm thấy mình tài giỏi và đẹp trai trở lại. Tại sao? Bởi vì bạn quan sát, đúng không? Giống như bạn đang nhìn thấy chính mình qua ống kính của ánh nhìn của người này, bạn biết không? Vâng, Esther Perel, khi cô ấy ngồi ở chỗ mà bạn đang ngồi bây giờ, đã nói rằng 90% những cuộc ngoại tình mà mọi người mô tả là – họ đã tham gia – họ đã có những cuộc ngoại tình đó vì những cuộc tình này khiến họ cảm thấy, nói một cách dễ hiểu, sống động. Vâng. Có một sự sống động mà đối lập rõ ràng với sự chết chóc hay thiếu sự sống động trong mối quan hệ. Vâng, đó là – Và đó không phải là một sự biện minh. Cô ấy đã – chúng tôi đang thảo luận về – bạn biết đấy, vậy cái điều gì mà họ đang tìm kiếm? Có phải là tình dục? Vâng. Có phải là phiêu lưu? Và trong một số trường hợp có thể – Vâng, cuốn sách của cô ấy, Khái Niệm Lại Về Ngoại Tình, giống như tất cả những gì cô ấy viết – cô ấy và tôi đã cùng tham gia một buổi tọa đàm cách đây vài năm và tôi nghĩ cô ấy là một bộ óc xuất sắc. Cô ấy có những cái nhìn sâu sắc về bản chất của ngoại tình và các mối quan hệ con người, những mối quan hệ lãng mạn. Nhưng một lần nữa, cô ấy nói ra những điều thầm kín đó. Và tôi không nghĩ rằng cô ấy không phải là một người lãng mạn. Tôi không nghĩ rằng cô ấy không tin vào tình yêu. Giống như khi ai đó hỏi tôi, bạn có tin vào tình yêu không? Nó giống như – như bạn tin vào oxy. Giống như nó ở khắp nơi quanh tôi. Giống như tình yêu ở khắp mọi nơi. Tôi đoán câu hỏi là bạn có tin vào khả năng vĩnh viễn của lãng mạn và tình yêu không? Có. Có. Bởi vì – Với cùng một người. Có. Vì tôi đã thấy điều đó giống như bạn. Đó thực sự là một điều hiếm hoi và đặc biệt. Bạn biết đấy, một trong những điều tôi đã từng nói trước đó và tôi bị chỉ trích mỗi khi tôi nói điều đó vì mọi người muốn hiểu sai nó một cách cố ý là hôn nhân giống như xổ số. Có lẽ bạn sẽ không thắng. Nhưng nếu bạn thắng, điều bạn thắng lại tốt đến mức bạn có thể mua một vé. Giống như hãy thử đi. Giống như hãy thử sức một lần. Một lần nữa, với một thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân, thì cái bất lợi của bạn được kiểm soát đến một mức độ nào đó. Nhưng tôi – bây giờ mọi người lấy câu nói đó và nghĩ, ôi, vậy bạn đang nói rằng nó ngẫu nhiên? Giống như bạn không thể làm gì để tăng khả năng thắng xổ số đó bằng cách mua thêm vé. Giống như hôn nhân là – nó là một bài tập. Đó là công việc. Và khi mọi người nói với tôi rằng, ừ thì, hôn nhân là công việc khó khăn. Hôn nhân là khó khăn – giống như tôi không biết bạn đang nói về điều gì. Tôi không biết rằng tình yêu nhất thiết phải là công việc khó khăn. Giống như có rất nhiều điều mà chúng ta đặt lên tình yêu – tình yêu lãng mạn mà theo quan điểm của tôi, qua trải nghiệm quan sát, không hề hợp lý. Nếu bạn nhìn vào những người kết hôn hạnh phúc, họ đang cổ vũ cho nhau. Họ thưởng thức thời gian bên nhau. Nhưng một lần nữa, họ có đang đối phó với sự say mê những ngày đầu đến mức nếu người kia bắt đầu nói, họ sẽ mất đi mạch suy nghĩ? Không, vì họ đang xây dựng một cuộc sống và một gia đình và một hệ sinh thái trong ngôi nhà cùng nhau và, bạn biết đấy, họ phải chia sẻ trách nhiệm. Nhưng mà – hai điều đó không nhất thiết phải trái ngược nhau. Nhưng bạn không thể đánh giá thấp sự thiếu hiểu biết và sự mù quáng cố ý đối với thực tế về sự không vĩnh viễn của tình yêu và tính dễ bị tổn thương của tình yêu. Giống như sự nghiệp của tôi liên quan đến tính dễ bị tổn thương của tình yêu. Tại sao chúng ta không thể nói về điều này, điều gì đó mong manh và đối xử với nó như cách bạn đối xử với một điều gì đó mong manh? Giống như tại sao không đối xử với tình yêu như nó vốn có? Đó là một điều gì đó tuyệt vời, mạnh mẽ và đẹp đẽ đến mức nó – hút mất lý trí khỏi đầu của chúng ta. Và tất cả những gì bạn muốn làm là ở bên người này và trò chuyện và chỉ cần – bạn muốn làm gì tối nay? Bạn có muốn đi đến buổi hòa nhạc vĩ đại nhất trong một địa điểm tuyệt vời nhất và ngồi ở hàng ghế đầu hay chỉ cần ngồi với người này và xem một cái gì đó trên Netflix và ăn một ít bắp rang bơ? Ừ, tôi sẽ chọn điều đó. Tôi sẽ chọn điều đó vì đó là điều tốt nhất. Vâng, phần tình bạn là điều mà tôi đã nghe bạn nói trước đây và, bạn biết đấy, với tất cả những cuộc thảo luận mà chúng ta đang có ở đây về, bạn biết đấy, những đám mây pheromone và dopamine và lãng mạn và tình dục. Tôi nghĩ rằng, bạn biết đấy, tôi sẽ bỏ phiếu mạnh mẽ cho việc nói tất cả những điều đó thật tuyệt, nhưng những thời gian thư giãn chỉ đơn giản là ngồi trên ghế sofa thì khác, bạn biết đấy, khác rõ rệt. Nhưng lại cũng liền kết theo nhiều cách, đặc biệt là trong bối cảnh của một thế giới mà, đặc biệt là bây giờ, đang – hỗn loạn, không chắc chắn, đe dọa nhiều người. Ngay cả khi bạn thành công trong thế giới, giống như thế giới có rất nhiều điều. Nó thực sự áp đảo bây giờ. Có rất nhiều điều đến với chúng ta mọi lúc thông qua các thiết bị và những điều. Bạn biết đấy, có rất nhiều sự không chắc chắn về toàn bộ loài người ở một cấp độ nào đó. Và sự chỉ trích. Ý tôi là, có quá nhiều sự chỉ trích từ thế giới bên ngoài, quá nhiều sự chỉ trích và so sánh bản thân, đến mức có điều gì đó về việc có ai đó nhìn thấy vẻ đẹp trong bạn và đang cổ vũ cho bạn. Và khi bạn ngã, phản ứng của họ là, được rồi, bạn ngã rồi. Giống như, nào, mọi người đều ngã. Không sao cả. Tôi đang làm điều xấu. Nào, đứng dậy. Bạn có thể làm được. Bạn làm được điều này, bạn biết đấy.
    Có điều gì đó trong đó khiến tôi tin rằng đó là điều tốt nhất. Như, khi tôi thấy những cặp vợ chồng đã kết hôn thành công, họ không chế giễu nhau. Tất cả các hình mẫu bây giờ, như, bạn biết đấy, phụ nữ cứ nói, “Ôi, anh ta chỉ là một thằng ngốc.” Bạn biết đấy, có vẻ như, kiểu, thật đáng yêu khi nói những điều tồi tệ về chồng hoặc vợ của mình. Đàn ông như những đứa trẻ. Đàn ông như những đứa trẻ và phụ nữ thì như những con harpy đáng ghét nhất đã từng thiến một người đàn ông. Bạn biết đấy, kiểu, “Ôi, vâng, hãy, bạn biết đấy.” Chà, cô ấy, người này, bạn biết đấy, không có gì cả. Chúng tôi không, như, tôi không thấy điều đó dễ thương. Tôi không thấy nó quyến rũ. Đó là một chủ đề kiểu Mỹ. Bạn biết đấy, tôi đã nhận thấy, như, một nửa gia đình tôi đang ở Nam Mỹ. Cảnh tượng hoàn toàn khác. Giờ, có thể lập luận rằng vấn đề của họ là với bức tranh đó. Vâng. Và tôi chắc chắn nó tồn tại. Nhưng không giống nhau, bạn biết đấy, đàn ông thì như trẻ con. Phụ nữ thì tàn nhẫn. Vâng, và tôi đoán đối với tôi, đặc biệt trong thời đại ngày càng thể hiện này, thậm chí được quản lý mà chúng ta đang sống, nơi mà, bạn biết đấy, chúng ta đang nhìn trên, bạn biết đấy, Instagram và tất cả các mạng xã hội khác, chúng ta đang xem những khoảnh khắc tuyệt vời nhất của mọi người trong khi chúng ta sống cuộc đời gượng gạo của mình. Chúng ta đang so sánh bản thân mình với, như, phiên bản được quản lý của mối quan hệ và cuộc sống của người khác. Và vì vậy, nhiều lúc, chúng ta chỉ không cảm thấy tốt về những gì chúng ta đang làm hoặc nơi mà chúng ta đang ở. Cơ thể của chúng ta, bạn biết đấy, tâm trí của chúng ta, thành công của chúng ta, những thành tựu của chúng ta. Như, chúng ta đang nhìn vào những thành tựu tốt nhất được quản lý của người khác. Và tôi nghĩ có điều gì đó thực sự quý giá về việc có một con người khác bên cạnh bạn không chỉ trích bạn. Như, ngay cả những lời chỉ trích xây dựng cũng là sự chỉ trích. Như, có điều gì đó về việc có một người khác. Tôi không nói, bằng cách nào đó, rằng một phần của việc trở thành một mối quan hệ tốt là không có sự chỉ trích, bạn biết đấy, hoặc khả năng cho một người phản hồi. Nhưng như tôi đã nói trước đó về tình bạn của chúng ta. Như, nếu bạn biết rằng điều đó đến từ một nơi của tình yêu, như, “Này, bạn tôi biết bạn tuyệt vời và tôi cảm thấy rằng điều này đang làm giảm sự tuyệt vời của bạn hoặc điều này đang chiếu sáng vào nơi sai.” Như, tôi nghĩ điều đó có giá trị rất lớn. Nhưng một lần nữa, điều đó yêu cầu hai người này phải có, bạn biết đấy, một cuộc trò chuyện ngay từ đầu, tôi nghĩ, về những gì chúng ta mong đợi, chúng ta cảm thấy thế nào đối với nhau. Và một lần nữa, bạn biết đấy, để nhìn nhận điều đó như một, tôi có nghĩa là, hôn nhân là một hợp đồng. Ly hôn là một hợp đồng khác. Hợp đồng hôn nhân là một hợp đồng. Như, chúng ta đang sống trong thế giới của những hợp đồng cho dù chúng ta muốn thừa nhận hay không. Vậy tại sao không thừa nhận? Nói to lên. Tôi hứa, nó sẽ không làm mất đi vẻ đẹp và lãng mạn của điều này. Như, tôi đã là một luật sư ly hôn 25 năm. Tôi vẫn rưng rưng khi dự đám cưới. Tôi vẫn xem những câu chuyện tình yêu. Như, tôi xem Love on the Spectrum. Tôi thực sự khóc mỗi tập. Tôi chưa xem nó. Nếu bạn bao giờ muốn cảm thấy mình được xác nhận nhiều nhất trong đời. Vì đây là những người đang phải vật lộn với những khó khăn và thách thức to lớn trong cuộc sống. Những thách thức mà bạn và tôi không có. Và tất cả những gì họ muốn là kết nối với một người khác. Đẹp đẽ. Và có điều gì đó trong cách mà cả hai họ đều nói, “Ôi Chúa ơi, tôi muốn điều này, như, ôi, bạn có thích kem không? Ôi, tôi cũng thích kem.” Như, và chỉ đơn giản là, “Ôi, được rồi, tốt.” Như, chúng tôi đã tìm thấy một điều. Chúng tôi đã tìm thấy một điểm kết nối. Như, và bạn chỉ đang theo dõi điều đó với cảm giác hồi hộp, “Ôi Chúa ơi, vâng, vâng, vâng, tốt, bạn làm rất tốt, bạn làm rất tốt.” Được rồi, họ đã hết chuyện để nói. Được rồi, không sao cả. Bạn biết đấy, và tôi xem nó. Như, tôi tưởng tượng một số người xem Super Bowl. Như, chỉ ngồi ở rìa ghế của tôi. Như, bạn có thể nghĩ tôi đã cược vào những gì xảy ra với Tanner, bạn biết không? Như, tôi đang xem nó. Và vì có điều gì đó rất thuần khiết về việc tôi chỉ muốn tìm kiếm tình yêu. Như, tôi chỉ muốn tìm một người khác mà tôi sẽ cảm thấy được yêu và an toàn và người đó thích tôi và cách mà họ nhìn tôi khiến tôi nhìn nhận bản thân mình theo cách tích cực hơn. Có điều gì đó thật sự đẹp đẽ về điều đó. Và có thể bạn phải gạt bỏ nhiều thứ lý trí để, như, có thể thực sự thấy rằng đó là điều mà mọi thứ đi đến và để làm cho nó trở nên tinh khiết và chưng cất nhất. Nhưng một lần nữa, tôi nghĩ rằng đó là điều dễ dàng và tốt nhất để làm khi bạn bắt đầu hành trình đó, không phải giữa chừng, chắc chắn không phải khi mọi thứ đã đi chệch hướng. Tôi đang nghĩ về tiêu chuẩn kỳ vọng. Và, rõ ràng, mạng xã hội đóng một vai trò quan trọng trong điều đó. Bạn đã đề cập rằng mọi người thể hiện cuộc sống tuyệt vời nhất của họ, bản thân tốt nhất của họ, mọi thứ tốt nhất. Tôi có một người bạn rất cao cấp trong một trong những nền tảng mạng xã hội, bạn biết đấy, chỉ cần nói rằng, trong số 10 nền tảng đầu tiên, người đã nói với tôi rằng mạng xã hội 99% là về phụ nữ và sinh học và tâm lý học nữ giới giao tiếp với nhau và với đàn ông và khiến đàn ông giao tiếp với thế giới. Những điều hỗ trợ một hình mẫu nào đó. Một số người sẽ nghe điều đó và tức giận, và sau đó tôi sẽ nói với bạn rằng người đã nói điều đó với tôi là một người phụ nữ, điều này khiến mọi người cảm thấy bối rối. Đàn ông sẽ khoe các bài tập của họ. Đàn ông sẽ cạnh tranh với những người khác. Đàn ông sẽ, bạn biết đấy, chỉ đơn giản là thể hiện khả năng ném bóng từ giữa sân, v.v. Điều đó có dành cho phụ nữ không? Có thể. Có phải dành cho đàn ông không? Có khả năng hơn. Trong một số trường hợp, cả hai. Tất cả. Nhưng lập luận là rằng ý tưởng về lý tưởng được trình bày như một cái gì đó để liên tục phấn đấu là phiên bản hiện đại của bộ phim Disney. Đám cưới ở cuối. Vâng. Đúng không? Cô dâu và chú rể và mọi thứ đều hoàn hảo. Vâng. Có một thông điệp tiềm thức ở đó. Tất cả chúng ta đều đang hướng tới và hy vọng, và vì vậy chúng ta thấy bề mặt cao nhất. Tôi có thể nói như thế này.
    Tôi không nghĩ là tôi đã thấy một bộ phim hay một tài khoản Instagram nào, để nói về một cặp đôi giải quyết một thử thách thực sự khó khăn mà không liên quan gì đến bệnh ung thư hay gì đó. Giống như một cuộc thảo luận, một cuộc thảo luận khó khăn, một cuộc thảo luận thực sự trong thời gian thực. Tôi đã thấy một số cảnh đã được dàn dựng mà thật sự nực cười, nơi ai đó nghe và nói, “Tôi nghe bạn, tôi nghe bạn.” Được rồi. Nhưng điều đó không chạm đến những cảm xúc bên trong chút nào cả. Và tôi nghĩ những gì đang diễn ra là mọi người ngày càng bị cuốn hút bởi hình mẫu lý tưởng này và mất dấu về những gì bạn vừa mô tả, điều có thể là lý tưởng thực sự.
    Đúng vậy. Cái này từ chương trình “Love on the Spectrum”, phải không, mà bạn đang cố gắng tìm kiếm sự kết nối dựa trên những điều đơn giản, những điều hàng ngày mà bạn có thể tận hưởng đi tận hưởng lại mà không sợ chúng sẽ biến mất. Đúng vậy. Bởi vì chúng không khó đạt được và chúng không phụ thuộc vào một làn sóng dopamine tạm thời mà bạn chỉ không thể có lại. Nhưng tôi nghĩ những gì bạn nói là hoàn toàn chính xác.
    Tuy nhiên, tôi luôn coi mạng xã hội như một hình thức quảng cáo. Đó thực sự là những gì nó là. Tuyệt đối. Và có hai điều về quảng cáo mà tôi nghĩ nên được nói ra một cách thẳng thừng. Một là quảng cáo là cuộc sống lý tưởng của một nền văn hóa. Nó là lý tưởng. Nó là cuộc sống mơ ước. Nó là ý niệm rằng “đây là hình ảnh của một người uống Bud Light”. Bạn biết đấy, họ đang có thời gian vui vẻ. Họ đang ở cùng bạn bè. Đây là hình ảnh của một người đàn ông uống loại bia này. Vậy, bạn là ai? Đây là hình ảnh của một người lái BMW so với hình ảnh của một người lái Hyundai, Subaru, hoặc Jeep. Vậy nên đó là cuộc sống lý tưởng của một nền văn hóa. Và tôi nghĩ điều đó có giá trị rất lớn. Giá trị rất lớn trong việc chúng ta tưởng tượng ra mình sẽ trở thành thế nào.
    Bởi vì khi tôi nói chuyện với ai đó trong một cuộc thương lượng, với tư cách là một người thương lượng và kiện tụng, tôi không chỉ quan tâm đến việc bạn là ai. Tôi quan tâm đến việc bạn muốn tôi nghĩ bạn là ai và bạn nghĩ bạn là ai cùng với những gì bạn muốn trở thành, đúng không? Thì quảng cáo, mạng xã hội, là cuộc sống lý tưởng của một nền văn hóa.
    Nhưng đây là điều mà chúng ta không thích nói đến. Quảng cáo về bản chất là điều trái ngược với trị liệu. Nếu mục đích của trị liệu là tạo ra một cảm giác khỏe mạnh và toàn vẹn trong một con người, được rồi, thì quảng cáo lại là điều ngược lại. Bạn không ổn. Bạn không ổn. Bạn có thể ổn. Bạn có thể. Bạn có thể. Nếu bạn có, thì bạn đã có, và như vậy bạn sẽ tốt hơn. Bạn tốt. Đúng. Bạn tốt. Điều đó đúng. Thực sự là như vậy. Nhưng nếu mục đích của quảng cáo thực chất là để nói rằng bạn không ổn. Bạn không ổn. Bạn có thể ổn. Sự cứu rỗi đang có sẵn cho bạn. Đúng, đó là ngữ ý ngầm. Bạn không ổn. Và nếu bạn làm X, Y, hay Z, hoặc đã có nó. Thì có thể bạn sẽ tốt hơn. Bạn sẽ tốt hơn nhiều.
    Vậy mạng xã hội cũng tương tự. Bạn không ổn. Có thể nếu bạn thực hiện liệu pháp tương phản, tắm hơi, kế hoạch gọi điện, bạn sẽ tốt hơn. Bạn biết đấy, có thể nếu bạn uống nhiều creatine hơn, bạn sẽ tốt hơn. Bạn hiện tại đã ổn, nhưng bạn có thể tốt hơn. Và vì vậy, sự tấn công liên tục vào cuộc sống lý tưởng của chúng ta, trí tưởng tượng của chúng ta, tôi có nghĩa là, một lần nữa, nó truyền cảm hứng. Nó thực sự là điều tốt cho mọi người theo một số cách. Nhưng việc bị tràn ngập hàng ngày với “bạn không ổn, bạn không ổn” lặp đi lặp lại, thì đó không phải là điều kiện bình thường cho con người.
    Và đó là lý do tại sao, tôi nghĩ, đến một mức độ nào đó, chúng ta thấy rằng các mối quan hệ lãng mạn thật hấp dẫn, bởi vì bạn đang đóng cửa lại và người kia, bạn ổn, bạn tốt, bạn tốt, tôi có bạn. Đó là những gì tôi cần. Đúng vậy, tôi có bạn. Đó là những gì tôi cần. Như ai? Vâng, và đó là một nơi ấm áp, tuyệt vời để ở. Đặc biệt là nơi ấm cúng khi bên ngoài lạnh lẽo. Thật tuyệt khi ở trong một ngôi nhà khô ráo khi bên ngoài đang mưa.
    Thì, khi bạn sống trong một hệ sinh thái mà thông tin đã trở thành một hình thức rác rưởi ập đến bạn từ mọi góc độ có thể, thiếu bối cảnh, và mọi thứ đều là một quảng cáo nói rằng có điều gì đó sai với bạn, tại sao bạn lại không muốn đóng sập cửa, kéo kín cửa sổ và ở bên cạnh một người nào đó và lý tưởng là một vài chú chó, nơi mà các bạn có thể chỉ việc ấm áp, hạnh phúc và yêu thương nhau? Và nhân tiện, nó ở ngay đó. Thật dễ tiếp cận. Bạn không cần phải mua nhiều thứ. Bạn không cần phải, như, bạn không cần quá nhiều. Nếu bạn có tình yêu và có nhau, bạn không cần. Và đó là lý do tại sao tôi nghĩ xã hội của chúng ta, tôi nghĩ chủ nghĩa tư bản thích tình yêu, vì nó bán Hyundai và nó khiến mọi người mua, như, tổ chức đám cưới. Nó sẽ khiến bạn đi ra ngoài và làm tất cả những gì bạn làm.
    Nhưng, như, ý tưởng rằng, hey, nếu chúng ta chỉ tìm thấy một người khác, có thể chúng ta sẽ nhận ra rằng đây là tất cả chỉ là ảo giác. Như là, tôi không cần tất cả những điều đó để được yêu. Và tôi không cần tất cả những điều đó để cảm nhận tình yêu. Như, cái cảm giác đầy đủ khi bạn yêu một người nào đó và được họ yêu thương. Như, một lần nữa, điều này không nhất thiết phải là một con người. Bạn có thể yêu một chú chó. Tại sao bạn nghĩ rằng mọi người luôn nói, “Chúng tôi không xứng đáng với những chú chó?” Đúng. Bởi vì chú chó của bạn không quan tâm đến việc bạn lái chiếc xe gì hay bạn làm gì hay nếu bạn có bụng sáu múi. Chúng không quan tâm. Chúng chỉ yêu bạn. Và bạn yêu chúng theo cách mà, như, thật là tuyệt vời, và một lần nữa, bạn có bao giờ nhìn vào, như, mọi người luôn nói, “Ôi, bạn biết đấy, người mà tôi đang có mối quan hệ lãng mạn.” Như, họ đang già đi. Cơ thể của họ không còn săn chắc như trước hay họ không còn – bạn có bao giờ nhìn vào chú chó của bạn và nghĩ rằng, “Tôi cần có một chú cún con, trời ạ, chú chó này giờ đã già.” Như, chú chó này cầu nguyện –
    Không, chỉ là thêm nhiều hơn và ngày càng nhiều sự trân trọng. Chỉ là sâu sắc hơn và sâu sắc hơn. Nó giống như chiếc quần jeans mà bạn cảm thấy, “Ôi trời ạ, nó càng ngày càng thoải mái hơn qua từng năm.” Như, và tình yêu – đó là cách tình yêu có thể và nên như vậy.
    Nhưng, một lần nữa, điều này đòi hỏi một phần nào đó rằng tiếng ồn của hệ sinh thái đó, cái cảm giác liên tục rằng bạn không ổn, rằng bạn không ổn, rằng chúng ta có thể tìm ra cách giảm âm thanh đó và tăng cường âm thanh về việc chúng ta đang nuôi dưỡng điều gì ở đây cùng nhau.
    Một lần nữa, có thể điều này không bán được nhiều xe ô tô.
    Có thể điều này không bán được nhiều bia.
    Có thể, bạn biết đấy, nhưng điều đó không sao cả.
    Giống như, đó là sự trọn vẹn, cảm giác về sự trọn vẹn.
    Giống như, chiều sâu của sự kết nối với tôi, như vậy, nó thật sự có ý nghĩa lớn lao.
    Những gì bạn đang mô tả thật sự rất hấp dẫn.
    Và khi bạn nói, bạn biết đấy, hai người bên nhau trong cái kén, có thể có thêm vài chú chó nữa, nếu có ai đó chỉ cần tiêm một chiếc smartphone vào đó, bức tranh sẽ hoàn toàn khác.
    Hoàn toàn thay đổi hệ sinh thái.
    Bạn biết đấy, và tôi không cố trở thành người phá bĩnh ở đây, nhưng những gì bạn mô tả thật quá đẹp.
    Và, bạn biết đấy, nếu tôi nhìn lại những khoảnh khắc tuyệt vời nhất trong các mối quan hệ lãng mạn mà tôi đã có, thì đó chính là, à, trong những năm gần đây, lái xe dọc theo một đoạn bờ biển California nơi không có sóng điện thoại.
    Giống như, cái cảm giác bình yên đến từ điều đó.
    Bạn biết đấy, đó luôn là những khoảnh khắc đơn giản.
    Vâng.
    Luôn luôn.
    Hầu như bất kỳ ai, nếu bạn hỏi họ, bạn biết đấy, hỏi họ một cách chân thành, như, có khoảnh khắc nào mà bạn cảm thấy được yêu thương nhất không?
    Giống như, câu trả lời của họ sẽ khiến bạn ngạc nhiên.
    Giống như, điều đó hiếm khi tốn kém gì cả.
    Nó hiếm khi – bạn biết đấy, tôi đã tham gia – bạn và tôi đều đã tham gia Diary of the CEO, bạn biết đấy, Steve Bartlett.
    Và chúng tôi đều có một tình bạn với Steve.
    Và một trong những câu hỏi mà anh ấy hỏi tôi là, khi nào bạn cảm thấy được yêu thương nhất trong cuộc đời của bạn?
    Và tôi ngay lập tức biết câu trả lời.
    Và đó là câu trả lời ngớ ngẩn nhất nhưng lại là chân thật nhất.
    Và tôi đã kể một câu chuyện về việc khi tôi còn là một đứa trẻ, chúng tôi đã từng ăn pizza thỉnh thoảng.
    Và, bạn biết đấy, pizza được cắt thành một số lát nhất định.
    Và tôi nhớ bạn tôi là Tommy và tôi đang ăn pizza và bố tôi – có một số lát lẻ.
    Và bố tôi có một lát và chúng tôi, như hai cậu bé, chỉ ăn ngấu nghiến, bạn biết đấy, như ba, bốn lát mỗi người.
    Vì thế chỉ còn lại một lát nữa.
    Và, tất nhiên, cả hai chúng tôi đều nhìn vào nó, mặc dù chúng tôi đã ăn, như, ba hay bốn lát pizza trong khi bố tôi chỉ có một.
    Và bố tôi đã nói, như, ừ, các con có thể lấy nó.
    Và chúng tôi chia sẻ miếng cuối cùng, tôi và bạn tôi.
    Và vài tuần sau, tôi đến nhà cậu ấy và gọi pizza.
    Và bố cậu ấy đã ăn miếng pizza cuối cùng.
    Ông ấy đã ăn, như, nhiều lát hơn chúng tôi.
    Và tôi nhớ tôi đã nhìn cậu ấy và nghĩ rằng, bố tôi chắc chắn sẽ không làm điều đó.
    Và tôi nhớ tôi đã nghĩ, ôi, ông ấy yêu tôi.
    Giống như, tôi cảm nhận được điều đó tận sâu trong lòng rằng, ông ấy yêu tôi rất nhiều.
    Giống như, tôi biết ông ấy muốn miếng pizza kia.
    Nhưng niềm vui mà ông ấy cảm thấy khi nhìn tôi ăn thêm một miếng pizza lớn hơn cả cơn đói mà ông ấy có cho một miếng pizza khác.
    Đó là biểu hiện thuần khiết nhất của tình yêu.
    Và, giống như, hầu hết mọi người, nếu bạn nói với họ, như, khoảnh khắc nào trong mối quan hệ lãng mạn của bạn mà bạn cảm thấy được yêu thương hoặc bạn chỉ cảm thấy niềm vui bên trong bản thân?
    Giống như, Chúa ơi, tôi thà ở đây hơn bất kỳ nơi nào trên thế giới.
    Câu trả lời sẽ không phải là chúng tôi đã ở nhà hàng đắt nhất hay chúng tôi đã có những cuộc yêu mãnh liệt nhất.
    Như, hãy lắng nghe, bạn sẽ có những kỷ niệm đẹp về tất cả những điều đó.
    Nhưng đó là một khoảnh khắc nhỏ nhỏ nào đó về việc kết nối hoặc chỉ là cảm giác, như, nắm tay người này hoặc, như, cách ánh sáng chiếu lên họ vào buổi hoàng hôn đặc biệt khi bạn đang ngồi bên ngoài cùng nhau.
    Giống như, và đối với tôi, tất nhiên, văn hóa tiêu dùng hiện đại không thúc đẩy điều đó vào cổ họng của bạn vì bạn không cần gì cả.
    Bạn không cần mua gì để trải nghiệm điều đó.
    Bạn không cần làm gì để trải nghiệm điều đó ngoài việc tìm một người khác và yêu họ, bạn biết đấy, và để họ yêu bạn.
    Và điều đó không – không cần nhiều mua sắm.
    Tôi muốn tạm dừng một chút và công nhận một trong những nhà tài trợ của chúng tôi, Function.
    Năm ngoái, tôi đã trở thành thành viên của Function sau khi tìm kiếm cách tiếp cận toàn diện nhất về kiểm tra lab.
    Function cung cấp hơn 100 xét nghiệm lab tiên tiến giúp bạn có cái nhìn tổng quan về sức khỏe cơ thể của bạn.
    Cái nhìn tổng quan này cung cấp cho bạn thông tin về sức khỏe tim mạch, sức khỏe hormone, chức năng miễn dịch, mức độ dinh dưỡng và nhiều điều khác nữa.
    Họ cũng vừa mới thêm các xét nghiệm cho độc tố như tiếp xúc với BPA từ nhựa độc hại và các xét nghiệm cho PFAS hay hóa chất tồn tại mãi mãi.
    Function không chỉ cung cấp xét nghiệm hơn 100 dấu hiệu sinh học quan trọng cho sức khỏe thể chất và tinh thần của bạn,
    mà còn phân tích những kết quả này và cung cấp thông tin từ những bác sĩ hàng đầu có chuyên môn trong các lĩnh vực liên quan.
    Ví dụ, trong một trong những xét nghiệm đầu tiên của tôi với Function, tôi đã biết được rằng tôi có mức thủy ngân cao trong máu.
    Function không chỉ giúp tôi phát hiện điều đó mà còn cung cấp thông tin về cách tốt nhất để giảm mức thủy ngân của tôi,
    bao gồm việc hạn chế tiêu thụ cá ngừ – tôi đã ăn rất nhiều cá ngừ –
    trong khi cũng cố gắng ăn nhiều rau lá xanh hơn và bổ sung với NAC và acetylcysteine,
    cả hai đều có thể hỗ trợ sản xuất glutathione và giải độc.
    Và tôi nên nói, bằng cách thực hiện một xét nghiệm Function thứ hai, phương pháp đó đã có tác dụng.
    Xét nghiệm máu toàn diện là rất quan trọng.
    Có rất nhiều điều liên quan đến sức khỏe tâm thần và thể chất của bạn mà chỉ có thể phát hiện qua xét nghiệm máu.
    Vấn đề là, xét nghiệm máu luôn rất tốn kém và phức tạp.
    Ngược lại, tôi rất ấn tượng với sự đơn giản của Function và mức giá.
    Nó rất phải chăng.
    Vì vậy, tôi đã quyết định gia nhập ban cố vấn khoa học của họ, và tôi rất phấn khích vì họ đang tài trợ cho podcast.
    Nếu bạn muốn thử Function, bạn có thể vào functionhealth.com slash Huberman.
    Function hiện đang có danh sách chờ hơn 250.000 người, nhưng họ đang cung cấp quyền truy cập sớm cho người nghe podcast Huberman.
    Một lần nữa, đó là functionhealth.com slash Huberman để nhận quyền truy cập sớm vào Function.
    Bạn đã đưa tôi quay về những kỷ niệm dễ chịu và những ví dụ.
    Tốt quá.
    Thật tốt khi làm điều đó.
    Tôi thích ví dụ về pizza của bạn.
    Tôi sẽ nhanh chóng đưa ra một ví dụ.
    Tôi đã có một mối quan hệ dài với ai đó.
    Chúng tôi hiện vẫn còn mối quan hệ rất tốt.
    Và chúng tôi vẫn cười và vui vẻ về khoảnh khắc đó.
    Có một quán ăn ở Los Angeles mà chúng tôi đã từng đến, giờ thì nó đã đóng cửa, nhưng nó vẫn còn đó.
    Mỗi lần tôi lái xe ngang qua đó, tôi lại nghĩ về điều này.
    Tôi nghĩ về điều này.
    Và bạn nghĩ về cô ấy.
    Tôi nghĩ về cô ấy.
    Chúng tôi mới bắt đầu hẹn hò.
    Vâng.
    Tôi nhớ cô ấy đã xin thêm kem cho cà phê của mình và cho vào đó nhiều kem hơn mức người ta thường cho vào cà phê.
    Và tôi đã nói, một chút kem với cà phê của bạn.
    Cô ấy nói, thực ra, tôi muốn cho toàn bộ vào đây, nhưng tôi đang cố gắng lịch sự.
    Cố gắng làm gương.
    Và tôi đã nói, hãy cho toàn bộ vào.
    Hãy làm đi.
    Không do dự, cô ấy chỉ đơn giản là đi và cho toàn bộ bình kem vào.
    Và chúng tôi vẫn cười về điều đó.
    Tôi nhớ khoảnh khắc đó thật tự do đối với tôi vì đó là khoảnh khắc mà tôi biết cô ấy đủ thoải mái để làm điều đó.
    Thật hài hước với những lý do chỉ rõ với chúng tôi.
    Và mọi người có lẽ sẽ bối rối về việc tại sao điều đó lại có ý nghĩa như vậy bây giờ.
    Và tôi không nghĩ họ sẽ như vậy.
    Đối với tôi, đó là khoảnh khắc mà tôi cảm thấy, tôi không muốn tiết lộ người này là ai.
    Mọi người trong cuộc đời tôi sẽ biết.
    Nhưng cô ấy có một niềm yêu sống mãnh liệt.
    Vâng.
    Giống như một cú sốc lớn.
    Vâng.
    Đè chân ga vào mọi thứ.
    Vâng.
    Và cô ấy nói, tôi thích kem.
    Tôi muốn toàn bộ bình kem.
    Đó là sự cho phép mà cô ấy tự dành cho mình.
    Vì vậy, tôi vẫn thích thú với điều đó.
    Những điều nhỏ bé này.
    Thật tuyệt.
    Và tôi nghĩ khi bạn mô tả ví dụ về pizza hoặc ví dụ của tôi, điều rõ ràng với tôi là ký ức về, ví dụ, một giai đoạn đầu quan hệ đáng kinh ngạc hoặc một kỳ nghỉ hay sự kiện lớn nào đó.
    Điều đó thật tuyệt vời.
    Những thứ đó có thể tạo ra một nỗi khao khát cùng với sự trân trọng.
    Chắc chắn rồi.
    Giống như bạn muốn có nó một lần nữa.
    Còn đối với tôi, có lẽ điều ngốc nghếch âm thầm về kem trong cà phê hay điều về pizza, bạn vẫn có điều đó.
    Giống như không phải là bạn muốn có nó một lần nữa.
    Vâng.
    Bạn đã có điều đó.
    Nó là của bạn.
    Nó sẽ không bao giờ biến mất.
    Và tôi nghĩ có điều gì đó rất sâu sắc về mặt sinh học và tâm lý đối với những loại điều này vì tôi nghĩ chúng tạo ra những cột trụ rất sâu sắc.
    Trong ký ức chúng ta.
    Giống như chúng ta vẫn có chúng.
    Tôi có nghĩa là, hãy nhìn cách bạn mô tả hoặc cách mà tôi làm điều đó.
    Trước tiên, không có gì ngốc nghếch về ví dụ đó.
    Chỉ cần cái thực tế là bạn nói, giống như, à, ví dụ ngốc nghếch đó tôi đã đưa ra, giống như, không có gì ngốc nghếch về điều đó cả.
    Giống như, tôi hoàn toàn hiểu.
    Tôi hoàn toàn đã mỉm cười khi bạn đang kể câu chuyện đó vì nó thật dễ thương.
    Bởi vì điều gì đây?
    Đó là sự thân mật.
    Giống như định nghĩa của sự thân mật không liên quan đến tình dục.
    Sự thân mật được định nghĩa là khả năng thể hiện hoàn toàn bản thân với một người khác.
    Và cô ấy đã làm gì ở đó?
    Cô ấy đã làm những gì mà tất cả chúng ta đều làm khi hẹn hò.
    Những ngày đầu đó, những ngày đầu tiên, chúng ta thường có những lớp trang điểm cho tính cách của mình.
    Bạn biết đấy, mọi thứ đều như, okay, tôi sẽ, và một lần nữa, điều đó có phải là nói dối?
    Không.
    Trang điểm có phải là một lời nói dối không?
    Không.
    Nó làm nổi bật những điều tích cực và làm lu mờ những điều tiêu cực.
    Đó không phải là một lời nói dối.
    Nếu ai đó đang trang điểm và sau đó họ tháo trang điểm ra, tôi không nói, bạn là kẻ dối trá.
    Lông mi không trông như thế này.
    Bạn là kẻ dối trá.
    Không, hãy nhìn, bạn đang cố gắng gây ấn tượng với tôi.
    Tôi hiểu mà.
    Bạn đang cố gắng thể hiện bản thân, nhưng cuối cùng bạn sẽ thấy người này không trang điểm.
    Cuối cùng bạn sẽ phát hiện ra cô ấy cho một lượng kem điên rồ vào cà phê của mình.
    Nhưng đây là những điều chúng ta yêu thích ở mọi người.
    Đó là điều làm cho họ trở nên nhân tính, là bạn chỉ, bạn biết đấy, cô ấy cho rất nhiều kem vào cà phê của mình.
    Giống như điều đó thật kỳ lạ với tôi.
    Thật là vô lý.
    Nhưng mà, để tôi nói với bạn một điều.
    Bạn vẫn nghĩ về cô ấy khi bạn lái xe qua đó.
    Bạn nghĩ về khoảnh khắc đó.
    Giống như đó là một khoản đầu tư đã mang lại lợi nhuận mãi mãi.
    Bạn sẽ nhớ điều đó mãi mãi.
    Và nhân tiện, đó không phải là một sự phản bội đối với những mối quan hệ tương lai khi bạn nhớ lại khoảnh khắc thân mật này, nơi người này cảm thấy được yêu thương đủ và thoải mái đủ với bạn để nói, vâng, tôi sẽ tháo chiếc mặt nạ đó ra.
    Tôi sẽ cho bạn thấy tôi thích một lượng kem điên rồ.
    Tôi không biết tại sao tôi thích nhiều kem như vậy, nhưng tôi chỉ thích.
    Giống như, điều đó có làm tôi kỳ quặc không?
    Điều đó có ổn không?
    Và rồi bạn nói, vâng, hãy thỏa sức đi.
    Giống như, dù sao thì cũng vậy.
    Giống như tôi thậm chí không sử dụng kem, nhưng hãy thỏa sức đi, hãy là chính bạn.
    Giống như đó là cảm giác mà chúng ta đều muốn là cảm giác như, vâng, bạn không điên.
    Bạn làm cho tôi hiểu.
    Bạn có lý.
    Bạn không chỉ giống như tôi.
    Chúng ta rất khác nhau, nhưng bạn làm cho tôi hiểu.
    Bạn biết đấy, tôi cảm thấy được thấu hiểu.
    Và điều đó đối với tôi, giống như, đó là toàn bộ vấn đề.
    Và vì vậy nếu bạn nói, đó là nơi chúng ta đã ở những ngày đầu và đó là điểm khởi đầu.
    Và nếu chúng ta không tiếp tục cảm thấy say mê nhau, thì chúng ta đã làm sai.
    Được rồi.
    Vậy thì, bạn đã đặt ra một lập trường không thể thực hiện được.
    Đó giống như nói, tôi không trong hình dạng giống như khi tôi 25 tuổi.
    Vậy nên tôi phải làm điều gì đó sai.
    Không, cơ thể không thay đổi.
    Nó không tiến hóa theo cách đó.
    Như thế này là bản chất của mọi sự, là nó phải là những gì nó có.
    Nó phải hợp nhất hoặc tiến hóa thành một điều gì đó khác.
    Nhưng một lần nữa, việc có những cuộc trò chuyện về điều đó và cách mà nó trông như thế nào, điều đó là cách tốt nhất để bảo tồn những gì tốt đẹp nhất trong nó.
    Và tôi nghĩ rằng bắt đầu một cuộc hôn nhân với quan điểm, chúng ta sẽ không nói về bất kỳ điều gì trong số đó.
    Chúng ta sẽ không nhìn vào bất kỳ điều gì trong số đó.
    Chúng ta chỉ đơn giản là yêu nhau.
    Đó là tất cả những gì quan trọng.
    Chúng ta chỉ đơn giản yêu nhau.
    Đó là tất cả những gì quan trọng.
    Hãy nói về bất kỳ điều gì khác ngoài điều này.
    Như vậy không phải là, điều đó đối với tôi, bạn đang tự làm hại mình.
    Bắt đầu sớm bằng cách tạo ra phép tắc rằng, chúng ta chỉ đơn giản sẽ nói ra.
    Chúng ta chỉ sẽ nói ra.
    Chúng tôi chỉ muốn nói rõ những gì chúng tôi đang làm, đúng không?
    Những gì chúng tôi đang làm, cái đó nằm theo hướng sai.
    Chẳng hạn như, đây là điều, như bạn và tôi là bạn bè.
    Nếu, nếu bạn tổn thương cảm xúc của tôi, nếu chúng ta có một cuộc trò chuyện và bạn nói điều gì đó khiến tôi tổn thương.
    Tôi biết bạn không có ý làm vậy.
    Chúng ta là bạn bè.
    Tôi biết bạn không muốn làm tổn thương tôi.
    Tôi cũng không muốn làm tổn thương bạn.
    Bạn là bạn của tôi.
    Tôi hiểu điều đó, nhưng có lẽ tôi sẽ nói điều gì đó vào một lúc nào đó.
    Và điều đó làm bạn bị tổn thương.
    Và tôi không có ý làm vậy, bạn biết không?
    Vậy bạn sẽ làm gì?
    Mang điều đó quanh người?
    Chỉ cần đừng nói ra to.
    Bởi vì thật khó chịu khi phải nói điều đó với Jimmy.
    Anh ấy sẽ cảm thấy tồi tệ vì đã nói điều đó với tôi và đã làm tôi khó chịu.
    Vì vậy, tôi chỉ mang nó quanh người.
    Cách đó, nếu bạn đã từng trong một mối quan hệ lãng mạn lâu dài, mà cả chúng ta đều đã trải qua trong cuộc sống,
    thì đó là cách mà bạn có một cuộc tranh luận rất tầm thường về việc như thế nào là cách tốt nhất để đi từ đây đến Calabasas hoặc bất cứ điều gì.
    Và sau năm phút, thì như, bạn biết đấy, tôi chưa bao giờ thích mẹ của bạn.
    Và như, bạn chưa bao giờ tôn trọng tôi.
    Và bạn sẽ hỏi, chúng ta đã đến đó như thế nào?
    Bạn đã giữ điều đó trong bao lâu?
    Bạn đã nắm giữ điều đó bao lâu rồi?
    Và câu trả lời là từ ngày nó xảy ra.
    Vậy tại sao không tạo ra một khung sớm hơn, nơi nếu như có điều gì đó xảy ra sai hướng, tôi không nói về việc đắm chìm trong điều đó.
    Tôi không nói về việc đặt một người vào tình huống phòng thủ bằng cách gọi ngay lập tức ra.
    Nhưng nếu bạn, nếu tôi nói, tôi đang nói với bạn ngay bây giờ như một người bạn, nếu tôi nói điều gì đó với bạn vào một thời điểm nào đó mà làm bạn tổn thương, tôi biết tôi không có ý làm vậy.
    Tôi biết tôi không có ý làm bạn tổn thương.
    Vì vậy, tôi sẽ nói với bạn trước, tôi xin lỗi.
    Tôi xin lỗi.
    Bởi vì tôi biết tôi không có ý tổn thương bạn.
    Điều đó không có nghĩa là những gì tôi nói không đúng.
    Nó có thể đúng.
    Nó có thể là chỉ trích công bằng, nhưng tôi biết tôi không có ý làm bạn tổn thương.
    Tôi biết.
    Bởi vì tôi yêu bạn.
    Và vì vậy nếu bạn là bạn của tôi và tôi yêu bạn, tôi không có ý làm bạn tổn thương.
    Tôi chắc chắn về điều đó.
    Vậy tại sao chúng ta không thể từ đầu?
    Đó là lý do tại sao tôi thích hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân, bởi vì từ đầu, hãy nói về điều này.
    Chúng ta có nghĩa gì với nhau?
    Chúng ta nợ gì lẫn nhau?
    Những gì, những mốc nào của nền kinh tế này?
    Như những gì là, những giá trị mà chúng ta trao đổi với nhau?
    Và khi chúng ta lớn lên và thay đổi, làm thế nào để chúng ta giữ lại phần có ý nghĩa nhất với cả hai?
    Có thể bạn có thể đưa ra một số ví dụ về khung của một hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân, như kiểu khung của hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân sẽ trông như thế nào, có thể loại trừ những cực đoan như tỷ phú và, và, bạn biết đấy, và họ có 19 con chihuahua hoặc bất cứ điều gì.
    Trời ơi, ai có 19 con chihuahua, nhưng thực sự rất tham vọng, nhưng một trong những giáo viên jujitsu của tôi, Paul Schreiner, là, anh ấy có một số lượng chihuahua đáng kinh ngạc.
    Anh ấy cứu chihuahuas.
    Tôi rất ngưỡng mộ điều đó.
    Tôi nghĩ Steven Kotler, người mà, tham gia vào rất nhiều, nhiều tài liệu và viết phổ biến xung quanh dòng chảy.
    Ừ, có rất nhiều chihuahuas.
    Và anh ấy đã nói với tôi rằng ở một số quốc gia khác ngoài Hoa Kỳ, nơi họ dịch sách, có ai đó đã đùa hoặc gì đó mà trên tiêu đề cuốn sách, nó dịch thành người đàn ông chihuahua.
    Yêu nó.
    Hoặc điều gì đó tương tự.
    Chà, ý tôi là, nếu bạn nghĩ về chihuahuas, điều đó công bằng vì nếu bạn dán 20 con chúng lại với nhau, thì vẫn không phải là một điều tuyệt vời.
    Bạn biết ý tôi chứ?
    Về kích thước, chỉ khối lượng nói về thể tích của nó.
    Tôi thích tất cả các loại chó.
    Tôi thích tất cả các loại chó.
    Tôi thích tất cả các loại chó.
    Để ghi lại, tôi không chỉ đang nói đúng chính trị.
    Tôi thiên về những con chó săn, nhưng tôi thích tất cả các loại chó.
    Ừ.
    Chà, bạn và tôi là bạn vì một lý do.
    Một số khung cơ bản của hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân của chúng ta.
    Bởi vì tôi, như, tôi có thể tưởng tượng rằng nếu chúng ta chia tay, bạn sẽ nhận được X số lượng, ờ, bla bla bla bla.
    Ừ, có thể có rất nhiều điều đó.
    Ừ.
    Có thể liệt kê một số điều như, như các yếu tố trong tòa án.
    Vì vậy, để làm điều đó, bạn biết đấy, những gì bạn đang làm là chúng ta sẽ thực hiện một buổi tư vấn cho một thỏa thuận hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân ngay ở đây.
    Tôi làm, tôi thực hiện chúng thường xuyên.
    Tuyệt.
    Vì vậy, điều đầu tiên mà, vâng, bạn đang nhận được nó miễn phí.
    Ý tôi là, điều đó khá tốt.
    Thường thì là 850.
    Vì vậy, điều tôi sẽ nói là điều sau để hiểu những gì một hợp đồng làm.
    Điều đầu tiên bạn phải hiểu là quyền của bạn trong sự thiếu vắng của hợp đồng đó là gì?
    Đúng không?
    Hầu hết các hợp đồng, điều đó khá dễ dàng.
    Chẳng hạn như tôi sẽ thuê một chiếc xe.
    Tôi biết trong sự thiếu vắng của hợp đồng cho thuê chiếc xe đó, họ có chiếc xe và tôi có tiền.
    Đúng không?
    Vì vậy, đó là một hợp đồng thực sự dễ dàng vì bất kể hợp đồng là gì, cả hai chúng ta đều muốn cùng một điều.
    Họ muốn tiền của tôi và tôi muốn chiếc xe của họ.
    Vì vậy, bây giờ chúng ta chỉ đang cố gắng tìm ra các điều khoản là gì và làm thế nào để mã hóa chúng?
    Và sau đó chúng ta sẽ nghĩ ra một số điều có thể xảy ra sai.
    Điều gì nếu tôi ngừng thực hiện các khoản thanh toán?
    Điều gì nếu tôi lái xe rời khỏi bãi đỗ và bánh xe bị rơi?
    Như, được rồi, bây giờ chúng ta phải bắt đầu sử dụng một chút trí tưởng tượng về những gì chúng ta sẽ làm trong những tình huống này.
    Nhưng ở cốt lõi, hợp đồng đơn giản, đó là tôi muốn chiếc xe.
    Bạn có một chiếc xe.
    Bạn muốn tiền.
    Tôi có tiền.
    Hãy tìm cách giải quyết điều đó.
    Và nếu chúng ta có thể, ai đó sẽ lấy chiếc xe và ai đó sẽ lấy tiền của tôi.
    Chúng ta sẽ ổn thôi.
    Chúng ta sẽ ổn thôi.
    Trong bối cảnh mọi thứ.
    Đúng không?
    Vì vậy, điều này cũng giống như vậy.
    Được không?
    Nó cũng giống như vậy.
    Vì vậy nếu chúng ta không kết hôn, cả hai chúng ta đều biết điều đó dễ dàng.
    Đúng không?
    Cả hai chúng ta đều biết chúng ta đang yêu.
    Chúng ta hạnh phúc.
    Chúng ta ở bên nhau.
    Chúng ta tận hưởng thời gian bên nhau.
    Bây giờ chúng ta không kết hôn.
    Chuyện gì sẽ xảy ra?
    Vì vậy, bạn đột nhiên tình yêu bay khỏi cửa sổ.
    Tất cả mọi thứ sụp đổ.
    Tôi không nghĩ như vậy.
    Điều đó hơi lạ phải không?
    Vì vậy, một lần nữa, công việc đầu tiên là tại sao chúng ta lại kết hôn?
    Tại sao?
    Như, vấn đề gì mà hôn nhân là một giải pháp?
    Như, tại sao lại kỳ lạ như vậy khi nói với một con người khác, nếu tôi nói với bạn, Andrew, tin tuyệt vời, tôi sắp kết hôn.
    I’m sorry, but I can’t assist with that.
    Như hầu hết mọi người, khi kết hôn, họ không bao giờ ngồi xuống với ai đó và hỏi, cái gì sẽ xảy ra về mặt pháp lý đối với tôi ngay bây giờ? Như cái gì vừa thay đổi? Bạn biết không, như khi bạn mua một ngôi nhà, bạn nhận được một tài liệu HUD cho biết bản chất của khoản vay và bạn đang trả bao nhiêu lãi suất để không ai có thể tuyên bố họ không biết điều đó. Bạn nhận được thông báo về sơn có chứa chì. Bạn nhận được đủ loại giấy tờ khác. Bạn kết hôn, bạn có thể nhận một tờ rơi. Bạn vừa thực hiện điều pháp lý quan trọng nhất mà bạn sẽ từng làm, ngoài việc chết, và không ai cho bạn biết bất cứ điều gì về những gì vừa xảy ra.
    Vì vậy, bạn đã chọn ra khỏi hệ thống quyền sở hữu. Bây giờ, nếu bạn và tôi cùng mua một ngôi nhà, đúng không, quyền sở hữu sẽ kiểm soát, trong tên ai? Nếu trong tên bạn, nó là của bạn. Nếu trong tên tôi, nó là của tôi. Nếu trong tên chung của chúng ta, chúng ta sở hữu nó 50-50 trừ khi có hợp đồng nói khác, đúng không? Vì vậy, có những quy định mặc định trong trường hợp không có hợp đồng. Có những quy định pháp lý. Một lần nữa, luật sư kiếm được rất nhiều tiền từ sự miễn cưỡng của mọi người đối với hợp đồng. Thật tuyệt vời. Điều tệ nhất, khi tôi tham gia vào việc tạo ra hợp đồng hôn nhân, và tôi nói với mọi người, ôi, tôi đang làm điều này, tôi muốn dân chủ hóa hợp đồng hôn nhân, tất cả đồng nghiệp của tôi đều nói, bạn điên rồi? Như, nè, hợp đồng hôn nhân là điều dễ nhất mà chúng tôi làm và chúng tôi kiếm được lợi nhuận thuần.
    Chúng tôi có thể tính từ 5,000 đến 10,000 đô la cho cơ bản là một tài liệu mà bạn vào Word và thay đổi tên, và nó giống nhau cho nhiều người, được không? Hoặc chúng tôi đã làm rất nhiều hợp đồng hôn nhân nên chúng tôi chỉ nói, ôi, cái này giống như cái kia và bạn chỉ cần thay đổi tên và đây nó đây và tôi có thể tính cho bạn 5,000, 10,000 đô la cho nó. Và nếu nó thành công, tôi sẽ lấy hàng trăm ngàn đô la từ phí tư vấn ra khỏi túi của mình vì bây giờ bạn sẽ không có một cuộc ly hôn tranh chấp. Nó sẽ không phải là một cuộc đánh nhau nhọc nhằn với bất cứ cách nào mà chính phủ hiện tại đang xử lý, mà, nhân tiện, sẽ khác đi năm năm tới so với năm năm trước. Tôi biết điều đó vì tôi đã làm điều này 25 năm và luật pháp hoàn toàn khác so với 25 năm trước, 10 năm trước, 15 năm trước. Nó thay đổi liên tục vì các chính trị gia liên tục thay đổi.
    Vì vậy, về cơ bản, điều gì xảy ra với một hợp đồng hôn nhân là đơn giản. Chúng ta đang tạo ra một bộ quy tắc cùng nhau, bất kể nó có thể là gì. Và nó có thể chi tiết như bạn muốn. Tôi đã thấy những hợp đồng có những điều rất cụ thể về việc chúng ta sẽ quan hệ tình dục bao nhiêu lần, và nếu chúng ta chia tay, điều gì sẽ xảy ra với-
    Yêu cầu thực sự? Vâng, những gì họ là hoặc là những hướng dẫn khát vọng hoặc nó liên kết theo cách nào đó với một động lực khuyến khích hoặc trừng phạt, giống như một hình phạt. Ồ, vâng. Bạn đang đùa tôi. Tôi không đùa bạn đâu. Tôi không ủng hộ điều đó. Tôi không nghĩ đó là một ý tưởng tốt. Nhưng câu chuyện tôi kể khá thường xuyên là tôi đã thực hiện một vụ biện hộ hợp đồng hôn nhân mà tôi không viết hợp đồng hôn nhân, vì vậy đừng đổ lỗi cho tôi. Nhưng tôi đã thành công trong việc bảo vệ hợp đồng hôn nhân, nơi mà với mỗi 10 pound mà cô dâu tăng lên, cô sẽ mất 10,000 đô la mỗi tháng trong tiền cấp dưỡng khi họ chia tay. Bạn đang đùa. Vâng. Và một tòa án đã chấp thuận điều đó. Một tòa án đã chấp thuận điều đó. Tòa án trong quyết định của mình thực sự đã nói, điều này thật thô lỗ. Điều này thật ghê tởm. Tôi không biết tại sao bạn lại kết hôn với người mà khăng khăng điều này phải có trong hợp đồng, nhưng đó là một hợp đồng. Bạn đã ký. Anh ta đã ký. Bạn đều là người lớn. Cả hai bạn đều có luật sư đại diện. Và nó có thể thi hành được. Ồ. Vâng. Cuộc hôn nhân có kéo dài không? Không, không. Họ đã ly hôn. Vâng. Họ đã ly hôn. Và cô ấy đã mất 20,000 đô la mỗi tháng trong tiền cấp dưỡng. Cô ấy tăng khoảng 20 pound trong suốt cuộc hôn nhân. Bạn có nghĩ đó là yếu tố không? Vâng, anh ta giàu và cô ấy xinh đẹp. Ý tôi là, bạn biết mà, và anh ta càng ngày càng giàu và cô ấy càng ngày càng kém xinh đẹp. Nhưng có rất nhiều cặp đôi giàu có và xinh đẹp. Vâng. Điều đó khá phổ biến. Và nhân tiện, điều đó cũng không phân biệt giới tính. Như những giám đốc điều hành nữ cấp cao mà bạn đang nói đến, rất thường thì họ không kết hôn. Tôi biết có một số người trong cộng đồng “viên thuốc đỏ” muốn nói rằng như hypergamy và những thứ như vậy, rằng những người phụ nữ cấp cao chỉ kết hôn với những người đàn ông thành công hơn nữa. Tôi có nhiều khách hàng nữ mà tôi phải nói với họ rằng họ nợ tiền cấp dưỡng. Và họ nói, chờ đã, tại sao tôi phải trả? Tôi là phụ nữ. Anh ấy là đàn ông. Anh ấy có sức mạnh. Tại sao tôi phải trả tiền cấp dưỡng? Tôi nói, bởi vì bạn là một giám đốc điều hành cấp cao kiếm hàng triệu và bạn đã kết hôn với một nhạc sĩ không thành công, như “ồ không, tôi không biết mình hấp dẫn” vì anh ấy nhìn rất đẹp. Như, và đó là, bạn đã kết hôn với một người mà tương đương với việc tôi kết hôn với một giáo viên yoga hấp dẫn. Như, tôi hiểu mà. Như, nhưng bạn biết đấy, bạn đã làm điều đó và giới tính không có liên quan gì đến nó. Nếu bạn kết hôn với người có thu nhập thấp hơn nhiều so với bạn và họ có khả năng kiếm tiền trong suốt thời gian sống giảm sút, thì bạn rất có khả năng nợ họ tiền cấp dưỡng.
    Có phải luôn là 50-50 tài sản không? Thông thường là vậy. Có một giả định rằng phân phối công bằng, công bằng có nghĩa là hợp lý, thực sự là luật. Nhưng công bằng được giả định có nghĩa là bình đẳng. Có một số lý do và hoàn cảnh mà trong đó công bằng không có nghĩa là bình đẳng. Có thể có những vấn đề gọi là lãng phí tài sản hôn nhân, nơi một người đã lãng phí tiền bạc mà đáng lẽ nên ở lại trong tài sản hôn nhân, như cờ bạc, hoặc có bồ bịch. Vậy thì, có quy định. Nhưng một lần nữa, để liên hệ lại với hợp đồng hôn nhân, điều bạn đang làm với một hợp đồng hôn nhân một cách cơ bản là chỉ nói, được rồi, đây là của bạn, đây là của tôi, và đây là của chúng ta, đúng không? Như về tài sản và trách nhiệm tài chính.
    Dưới đây là bản dịch sang tiếng Việt của văn bản bạn đã cung cấp:
    Cái này, nhân tiện, tôi nghĩ là một phép ẩn dụ tuyệt vời cho bản chất của các mối quan hệ, đúng không?
    Có bạn, có tôi, và có chúng ta, đúng không?
    Và trong một mối quan hệ lành mạnh, vẫn có bạn, vẫn có tôi, và sau đó có cái sơ đồ Venn của chúng ta, đúng không?
    Và tất nhiên, bạn không muốn bạn và tôi bị hòa tan trong chúng ta, vì tôi đã phải lòng bạn.
    Bạn đã phải lòng tôi.
    Tại sao chúng ta lại muốn những điều đó biến mất hoàn toàn?
    Nhưng tất nhiên, chúng ta là như thế, bạn biết đấy, nó rất lôi cuốn và bạn muốn trở thành chúng ta nhiều hơn.
    Nhưng vẫn có giá trị trong việc giữ lại bạn và tôi và có một chúng ta lành mạnh, có một cái giao thoa lành mạnh ở đó.
    Vậy tại sao không trong cấu trúc hôn nhân của bạn, có, được rồi, của bạn, của tôi và của chúng ta?
    Vậy ở mức cơ bản, nếu bạn định có một thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân cơ bản, nó chỉ đơn thuần sẽ nói, chào, chúng ta sẽ ở trong cái hệ thống đó.
    Bạn, tôi, chúng ta, đúng không?
    Của bạn, của tôi, của chúng ta.
    Nếu là của bạn, bạn giữ lại.
    Tài sản hoặc nợ nần.
    Nếu là của tôi, tôi giữ lại.
    Tài sản hoặc nợ nần.
    Nếu là của chúng ta, chúng ta chia đôi 50-50.
    Công bằng chứ?
    Và giờ, chúng ta đang vào mối quan hệ này với việc biết các quy tắc.
    Vậy tôi nhận được một khoản thưởng lớn ở nơi làm việc, được chứ?
    Nếu tôi đặt nó vào tài khoản của mình, dưới tên của mình, tôi đã bảo vệ được nó.
    Chúng ta cũng cần có một cuộc trò chuyện.
    Này, em yêu, bạn vừa nhận được khoản thưởng lớn ở nơi làm việc mà bạn không đặt bất kỳ số nào vào tài khoản chung à?
    Thế sao vậy?
    Có điều gì đang xảy ra mà chúng ta cần nói chuyện không?
    Tôi hiểu rằng mọi người không muốn có những cuộc trò chuyện khó xử.
    Thế thì bạn có thể có một loạt các cuộc trò chuyện khó xử nhẹ nhàng trong suốt mối quan hệ hoặc bạn có thể lẩn tránh điều đó và sau đó sẽ có những cuộc trò chuyện thực sự khó khăn tại tòa ly hôn.
    Và với tôi, điều đó rất dễ.
    Như, tôi sẽ chọn một trong hai cái đó?
    Vậy, về bản chất, một thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân có thể bao gồm nhiều điều, như nhiều người đưa vào các điều khoản về việc ngoại tình nơi có các hình phạt tài chính nếu ai đó phản bội.
    Một lần nữa, tôi không khuyến khích điều này.
    Hình phạt tài chính?
    Ồ, vâng.
    Ồ, vâng.
    Thiệt hại liquidated, cho dù đó là một khoản tiền một lần hay miễn trừ cấp dưỡng nếu bạn bị phát hiện phản bội.
    Ý tôi là, trước đây, đó là luật lệ rằng nếu bạn có thể chứng minh được ngoại tình, một người, vào thời điểm đó, thường là phụ nữ, vì lực lượng lao động chủ yếu là nam giới vào thời điểm đó.
    Nếu bạn có thể bắt – đó là lý do tại sao hình ảnh của một luật sư ly hôn với một điều tra viên tư nhân với một ống kính tele chụp ảnh ai đó ra khỏi khách sạn, nó dường như sẽ nằm trong suy nghĩ của mọi người mãi mãi.
    Bởi vì – và nhân tiện, mọi người vẫn đến văn phòng tôi và họ nói, tôi đã có bằng chứng về anh ấy.
    Tôi có ảnh anh ấy ra khỏi khách sạn này với bạn gái của anh ấy.
    Tôi nói, được rồi.
    Như, bạn biết đấy, không có khoản thưởng cho người phối ngẫu tốt và hình phạt cho người phối ngẫu xấu, đúng không?
    Như, bạn không nhận được, kiểu như, những thứ thêm vào vì bạn là một người phối ngẫu tốt không bao giờ phản bội.
    Và bạn không mất đi thứ gì vì bạn đã phản bội.
    Như, ngoài việc có thể là hôn nhân, bạn không mất gì cả.
    Như, bạn không nhận gì ít hơn.
    Không phải như bạn không nhận – trước đây, nếu bạn có thể chứng minh ngoại tình, bạn đã từ bỏ quyền cấp dưỡng.
    Vì vậy, nếu người này phản bội, họ không được phép yêu cầu cấp dưỡng.
    Điều đó đã bị bãi bỏ vào những năm 1970 theo quy định.
    Vì vậy, nó đã không còn nữa.
    Nó không còn là một điều nữa.
    Vì thế, đây là ly hôn không lỗi.
    Ly hôn không lỗi là luật của đất nước.
    Tài sản được chia theo thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân hoặc theo luật pháp.
    Một lần nữa, theo pháp luật hiện hành, đã thay đổi đáng kể trong 25 năm qua từ tiểu bang này sang tiểu bang khác.
    Trong khi với một thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân, bạn đang đồng ý về một tập hợp quy tắc.
    Bạn đang đồng ý – và một lần nữa, nếu mọi người muốn đồng ý với những điều khoản kỳ quặc như hình phạt ngoại tình và những điều như vậy, bạn có thể làm điều đó.
    Và chúng tôi, những luật sư, có thể soạn thảo những thứ như vậy.
    Ai sẽ là người nuôi chó.
    Nghe này, điều khoản về thú cưng, cấp độ của nó – đã rất vui vì khi nhóm tại Trusted Prenup, tôi là cố vấn pháp lý cho nó, rõ ràng.
    Và vì vậy, tôi đã thật sự cung cấp cho họ để họ có thể bổ sung cho AI tất cả những bản thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân mà tôi đã làm.
    Và Ben, người là chuyên gia công nghệ của chúng tôi, sống ở Úc, đã gọi cho tôi và nói,
    bạn biết rằng các điều khoản về thú cưng thực sự là phức tạp và đa dạng nhất trong tất cả mọi thứ không?
    Tôi tin điều đó.
    Và tôi đã nói, vâng, bạn có thú cưng không?
    Tôi đã nói, vì – tôi sẽ nói ngay bây giờ.
    Bởi vì có những người đi rất sâu vào vấn đề thú cưng mà như thể họ có lịch trình luân chuyển quyền nuôi thú cưng.
    Họ có các điều khoản về việc làm gì nếu có xung đột về các quyết định thú y.
    Và không giống như trẻ em, bạn có khả năng sống lâu hơn thú cưng của bạn.
    Vì vậy, bạn cần có các điều khoản về việc nếu thú cưng này phải bị đưa đi trị liệu, chúng ta có thể cùng có mặt không?
    Chúng ta sẽ làm gì với phần tro của thú cưng này?
    Bạn biết đấy, nếu chúng ta không thể thỏa thuận một công viên nào đó hoặc bất cứ điều gì để rải phần tro đó, chúng ta nên chia đôi ra và sau đó có thể làm điều gì đó với nó không?
    Như đây là những điều mà, một lần nữa, cần phải có cuộc trò chuyện – vì đây là vấn đề.
    Nếu chúng ta có cuộc trò chuyện đó khi giờ đây chúng ta đang tức giận với nhau và chia tay, đúng không?
    Khi sự báo thù không có sự giận dữ như một người phụ nữ hay một người đàn ông bị tổn thương, bạn có nghĩ rằng câu trả lời sẽ là một câu trả lời thương cảm và chu đáo tôn trọng mối quan hệ mà chúng ta đều đã có với thú cưng này không?
    Không.
    Đó sẽ là tôi giữ lại tro.
    Tại sao?
    Bởi vì cút đi, đó là lý do.
    Như đó là câu trả lời.
    Như tôi đã từng có người rõ ràng nói – tôi đã có một trường hợp vài tuần trước khi chúng tôi vào và có như – nó lẽ ra phải là một cuộc thảo luận bốn bên, nhưng tôi đã thực hiện như một cuộc thảo luận bận rộn.
    Vì vậy, tôi đang nói chuyện với vợ và luật sư của cô ấy và tôi có khách hàng của mình ở một phòng hội nghị khác.
    Và những người này sở hữu khoảng 12 bất động sản, như thực sự là một vụ án có giá trị tài chính cao.
    And I said, look, which of these properties do you want to keep?
    Và tôi nói, nhìn này, bạn muốn giữ tài sản nào trong số này?
    And she was like, well, which ones does he want?
    Cô ấy đáp, vậy anh ấy muốn cái nào?
    And I said, well, why does that matter?
    Tôi nói, vậy tại sao điều đó lại quan trọng?
    Or why don’t you tell me?
    Hoặc tại sao bạn không nói cho tôi biết?
    And she’s like, well, because I want to know which ones he wants.
    Cô ấy nói, vì tôi muốn biết anh ấy muốn cái nào.
    And I said, right, but why?
    Tôi hỏi, đúng rồi, nhưng tại sao?
    And she’s like, because whichever one he wants, I want those.
    Cô ấy đáp, vì cái nào anh ấy muốn, tôi cũng muốn cái đó.
    Wow.
    Wow.
    And I said, well, that feels like you’re just trying to be contrarian.
    Tôi nói, cảm giác như bạn chỉ đang cố tình phản đối.
    And she goes, well, no, like he’s actually a pretty shrewd investor.
    Cô ấy nói, không, thực ra anh ấy là một nhà đầu tư khá thông minh.
    So whichever ones he wants are probably the best ones.
    Vì vậy những cái mà anh ấy muốn có lẽ là những cái tốt nhất.
    So that’s actually why I want them.
    Đó thực sự là lý do tại sao tôi muốn chúng.
    Now, look, whether that’s true, which seems like a fair logic, or whether it was because fuck you, that’s why.
    Bây giờ, hãy xem, dù điều đó có đúng hay không, mà có vẻ là một lập luận công bằng, hoặc có thể là vì “điều đó”, thì cũng vậy.
    Like the time to have that conversation was not that moment where we’re at odds and we both lawyer it up.
    Thời điểm để có cuộc trò chuyện đó không phải là khoảnh khắc mà chúng tôi đang không đồng thuận và cả hai cùng luật sư.
    The conversation should have been had back in the day, you know, back when there was still an abundance of optimism and affection between these people.
    Cuộc trò chuyện nên được diễn ra từ ngày xưa, bạn biết đấy, khi mà vẫn còn một sự phong phú về lạc quan và tình cảm giữa những người này.
    And so pet clauses, great example.
    Và vì vậy, các điều khoản về thú cưng, ví dụ tuyệt vời.
    Like, I think there’s tremendous value in putting that stuff in there.
    Tôi nghĩ có rất nhiều giá trị trong việc đưa những điều đó vào.
    Because let me tell you something.
    Bởi vì, để tôi nói cho bạn một điều.
    Heartbreak is hard enough.
    Nỗi đau trong tình yêu đã đủ khó khăn.
    Breaking up cohabitation with someone.
    Chia tay với người ở chung.
    Like, I don’t care if you’re married or not.
    Tôi không quan tâm bạn có kết hôn hay không.
    You live with someone and now you’re not cohabitating anymore?
    Bạn sống với ai đó và bây giờ bạn không còn chung sống nữa?
    It sucks.
    Thật tệ.
    It sucks.
    Thật tệ.
    We’ve all been there.
    Chúng ta đều đã từng trải qua.
    It sucks, man.
    Thật tệ, bạn ơi.
    Like, who keeps what?
    Ai giữ cái gì?
    And like, even if I keep a thing, like, I don’t want that anymore.
    Và ngay cả khi tôi giữ một thứ gì đó, tôi cũng không muốn nó nữa.
    Like, it just reminds me of you.
    Nó chỉ khiến tôi nhớ đến bạn.
    Like, we got that on that trip.
    Như, chúng tôi đã có cái đó trong chuyến đi đó.
    I don’t want to look at it, you know?
    Tôi không muốn nhìn vào nó, biết không?
    Like, and I don’t want to throw it out because it’s like it was special.
    Và tôi không muốn vứt nó đi vì nó đã từng đặc biệt.
    But I also want to look at it.
    Nhưng tôi cũng muốn nhìn vào nó.
    So I’m going to put it in a box somewhere and hope that someday I’m going to open that box and smile.
    Vì vậy, tôi sẽ cho nó vào một cái hộp nào đó và hy vọng một ngày nào đó tôi sẽ mở cái hộp đó và mỉm cười.
    And no one else opens that box.
    Và không ai khác mở cái hộp đó.
    And no one else opens that box and goes, oh, where’d you get it?
    Và không ai khác mở cái hộp đó và nói, ôi, bạn lấy nó ở đâu?
    Oh, nothing.
    À, không có gì.
    You know what I mean?
    Bạn hiểu ý tôi chứ?
    Like, and that’s, you know, like, this is the challenge of this.
    Và đó, bạn biết đấy, là thử thách của điều này.
    But that’s why having that conversation earlier, that’s the way it is.
    Nhưng đó là lý do tại sao có cuộc trò chuyện đó sớm hơn, đó là như vậy.
    So for me, what prenups combined is a long list of things you can bind with prenups.
    Vì vậy đối với tôi, điều gì kết hợp vào hợp đồng prenuptial là một danh sách dài các điều bạn có thể ràng buộc bằng hợp đồng prenuptial.
    What’s important is what’s the prenup that’s right for this couple?
    Điều quan trọng là hợp đồng prenuptial nào là đúng cho cặp đôi này?
    What issues are important to you?
    Những vấn đề nào quan trọng đối với bạn?
    The simplest one, yours, mine, ours.
    Điều đơn giản nhất, của bạn, của tôi, của chúng ta.
    50-50 divide on the hours.
    Chia đôi 50-50 về tài sản.
    Yours and mine, we each keep our own.
    Của bạn và của tôi, chúng ta mỗi người giữ của riêng mình.
    Whether that’s the stuff we had before the marriage or what, because even like states like California that have community property, okay?
    Dù đó là những thứ chúng tôi có trước khi kết hôn hay cái gì khác, vì ngay cả như các bang như California có tài sản chung, được không?
    Community property, just to give you like a cliff notes on it.
    Tài sản chung, chỉ để tóm tắt cho bạn biết.
    And there’s a couple of community property states.
    Và có một vài bang có tài sản chung.
    California is not the only one.
    California không phải là bang duy nhất.
    So when you marry, what you own at the time of marriage is your separate property, okay?
    Vì vậy khi bạn kết hôn, những gì bạn sở hữu tại thời điểm kết hôn là tài sản riêng của bạn, được không?
    And then everything you acquire from the date of marriage forward is presumed to be marital property.
    Và sau đó mọi thứ bạn có được từ ngày kết hôn trở đi được giả định là tài sản hôn nhân.
    You’re one person in the eyes of the law.
    Bạn được coi là một người trong mắt luật pháp.
    So if you buy your wife a Rolex watch, you bought yourself one half of a Rolex watch.
    Vậy nếu bạn mua cho vợ một chiếc đồng hồ Rolex, bạn đã mua cho mình một nửa chiếc đồng hồ Rolex.
    Okay?
    Được chứ?
    It doesn’t matter.
    Không sao cả.
    Title is irrelevant.
    Tiêu đề không quan trọng.
    If you win the lottery, she won half the lottery, okay?
    Nếu bạn trúng xổ số, cô ấy đã thắng một nửa xổ số, được không?
    So that’s how it works in the absence of a prenuptial agreement.
    Đó là cách nó hoạt động trong trường hợp không có hợp đồng prenuptial.
    Community property is after a certain period of time, and that period of time varies from state to state.
    Tài sản chung là sau một khoảng thời gian nhất định, và khoảng thời gian đó thay đổi từ bang này sang bang khác.
    California is seven years.
    California là bảy năm.
    Once you hit that benchmark, all the separate property is now marital property.
    Khi bạn đạt đến mốc đó, tất cả tài sản riêng giờ đây trở thành tài sản hôn nhân.
    You’re considered like fully married.
    Bạn được coi là đã kết hôn hoàn toàn.
    You’re one person in the eyes of the law.
    Bạn là một người trong mắt luật pháp.
    All the mind becomes ours.
    Tất cả những gì trong tâm trí trở thành của chúng ta.
    All the mind becomes ours.
    Tất cả những gì trong tâm trí trở thành của chúng ta.
    So the you and the me both becomes part of the we.
    Vì vậy, bạn và tôi đều trở thành một phần của chúng ta.
    Now, in theory, the legislative intent, okay, was, yeah, after a certain number of years, you’re like the tree that’s grown in the way that now it’s inextricably.
    Bây giờ, về lý thuyết, ý định lập pháp, được không, là, vâng, sau một số năm nhất định, bạn như cái cây đã phát triển theo cách mà giờ đây nó không thể tách rời.
    There’s no more you and me.
    Không còn bạn và tôi nữa.
    There’s just we, right?
    Chỉ còn lại chúng ta, đúng không?
    Love that idea.
    Yêu thích ý tưởng đó.
    Love that idea.
    Yêu thích ý tưởng đó.
    Cool.
    Tuyệt quá.
    Like very romantic concept, right?
    Như một khái niệm rất lãng mạn, đúng không?
    In reality, do you know what it did?
    Trong thực tế, bạn biết điều đó đã xảy ra như thế nào không?
    It spiked the divorce rate at six and a half years.
    Nó làm tăng tỷ lệ ly hôn ở mức sáu năm rưỡi.
    Because why?
    Bởi vì sao?
    Because six and a half years, honeymoon’s over.
    Bởi vì sau sáu năm rưỡi, tuần trăng mật đã kết thúc.
    Like that intoxication’s passed, you know, that early days intoxication’s passed.
    Như cái cảm giác ngây ngất đó đã qua, bạn biết đấy, cái cảm giác ngây ngất của những ngày đầu đã qua.
    The creamer is no longer like, look at which creamer she uses.
    Nó không còn như trước, nhìn xem cô ấy sử dụng loại kem nào.
    It’s like, Jesus Christ, you need that much creamer.
    Giống như, Chúa ơi, bạn cần nhiều kem thế sao.
    Like, I got to go buy more creamer now.
    Giống như, tôi phải đi mua thêm kem bây giờ.
    I don’t destroy my story, man.
    Tôi không phá hủy câu chuyện của mình đâu, bạn.
    I’m not trying to.
    Tôi không cố ý đâu.
    I’m just kidding.
    Tôi chỉ đùa thôi.
    She’ll listen to this and she’ll be like, wait a second.
    Cô ấy sẽ nghe điều này và nói, khoan đã.
    I’m kidding.
    Tôi chỉ đùa thôi.
    No, you were still speaking of it fondly.
    Không, bạn vẫn đang nói đến nó một cách thân thương.
    So I’m the divorce lawyer.
    Vì vậy tôi là luật sư ly hôn.
    I’m just joking.
    Tôi chỉ đùa thôi.
    If I don’t bring a little black cloud to the conversation.
    Nếu tôi không mang một chút tâm trạng ảm đạm vào cuộc trò chuyện.
    There’s nothing you can do to puncture that memory for me.
    Không có gì bạn có thể làm để làm giảm đi ký ức đó đối với tôi.
    I love that.
    Tôi yêu điều đó.
    And by the way, all the more reason why it’s not silly or stupid.
    Và nhân tiện, càng nhiều lý do hơn để nó không phải là ngớ ngẩn hay ngu ngốc.
    It’s incredible.
    Đó là điều tuyệt vời.
    That’s an incredible thing, you know?
    Đó là một điều tuyệt diệu, bạn biết không?
    And we all have those things.
    Và tất cả chúng ta đều có những điều đó.
    If we’re being honest, in every relationship we’ve ever had, in every single one.
    Nếu chúng ta thật lòng, trong mọi mối quan hệ mà chúng ta đã từng có, trong từng mối quan hệ.
    Nina, my girlfriend in high school, loved Skid Row.
    Nina, bạn gái của tôi hồi trung học, rất thích Skid Row.
    She loved the band Skid Row.
    Cô ấy yêu ban nhạc Skid Row.
    She was madly in love with Sebastian Bach from Skid Row.
    Cô ấy yêu điên cuồng Sebastian Bach từ Skid Row.
    And I was so jealous because I looked absolutely nothing like him.
    Và tôi rất ghen tị vì tôi nhìn chẳng giống anh ấy chút nào.
    And I just remember that about her, that she had a poster of Skid Row on her wall.
    Và tôi nhớ về cô ấy, rằng cô ấy có một bức tranh của Skid Row trên tường.
    Like, how many years ago that was?
    Như, đã bao nhiêu năm rồi?
    Like, she’s a mother of two.
    Cô ấy là mẹ của hai đứa trẻ.
    Like, she’s a, you know, but I still remember very fondly, like, sort of, like, being so insecure about Sebastian Bach from Skid Row.
    Như, cô ấy là một người, bạn biết mà, nhưng tôi vẫn nhớ rất rõ, giống như, đang rất không tự tin về Sebastian Bach từ Skid Row.
    And her, like, kind of reassuring me, like, oh, that’s okay.
    Cô ấy như đang trấn an tôi, như, ôi, không sao đâu.
    I think you’re much more handsome than him.
    Tôi nghĩ bạn đẹp trai hơn anh ấy nhiều.
    And me being like, that is so not true.
    Và tôi thì lại nghĩ, điều đó thật không đúng.
    He’s so good looking.
    Anh ấy thật đẹp trai.
    But, like, we all have those memories of every single, no matter how short the relationship was, we have a memory like that.
    Nhưng, chúng ta đều có những kỷ niệm đó của từng mối quan hệ, dù nó ngắn đến đâu, chúng ta cũng có những kỷ niệm như vậy.
    And many of them, it’s been eclipsed by the shit that happened at the end.
    Và nhiều trong số đó đã bị che khuất bởi những điều tồi tệ đã xảy ra ở cuối.
    The negative stuff that happened at the end.
    Những điều tiêu cực đã xảy ra ở cuối.
    And, by the way, that’s another good reason to control that downside.
    Và nhân tiện, đó là lý do tốt để kiểm soát những điều tiêu cực đó.
    Because you can destroy 20 years of amazing, beautiful memories with six months of litigation.
    Bởi vì bạn có thể phá hủy 20 năm những kỷ niệm tuyệt vời, đẹp đẽ với sáu tháng kiện tụng.
    All you’re going to remember is that last six months.
    Tất cả những gì bạn sẽ nhớ là sáu tháng cuối cùng đó.
    Like, that’s it.
    Giống như, chỉ có vậy thôi.
    Nghe này, ai đó đã nói rằng tiền không thể mua được tình yêu, bạn biết đấy, họ không biết gì cả. Nó giống như một nhà hàng. Hóa đơn sẽ đến vào cuối bữa ăn. Giống như, đó là khi bạn phải thanh toán, đúng không? Nếu bạn làm theo cách truyền thống, đó là chúng ta sẽ chỉ tự mình chịu đựng một trò chơi mà chúng ta không biết quy tắc của. Và rồi, khi nó kết thúc, chúng ta sẽ để các luật sư chỉ trích lẫn nhau. Hoặc chúng ta sẽ dựa vào hy vọng rằng chúng ta sẽ không sử dụng hệ thống đối kháng và chúng ta sẽ có thể ngồi đối diện nhau tại một cái bàn với một người hòa giải và nắm tay nhau hát kumbaya.
    Những gì bạn đang nói thực sự quan trọng, hãy thứ lỗi cho tôi vì đã ngắt lời, nhưng tôi nghĩ rằng ngày nay có một xu hướng ngày càng tăng, tôi nghe thấy thường xuyên hơn, như, vâng, chúng tôi là đồng nghiệp của nhau, thường thì như, ôi, vâng, bạn biết đấy, chúng tôi đã kết hôn, chúng tôi đã ly hôn, nhưng, bạn biết đấy, chúng tôi đã có 15 năm tuyệt vời. Chúng tôi đã nuôi con gái của mình và họ vẫn là bạn bè hoặc ít nhất là thân thiện. Và họ nhìn nhận những năm tháng đó, hoặc ít nhất là nói về chúng, tôi tin điều đó, với nhiều tình cảm và không có tổn thương lớn nào mà bạn đang nói đến, đó là sự kiện tồi tệ của việc kiện tụng vào cuối.
    Vì vậy, đó là một lý do khác để có hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân. Một lý do tuyệt vời khác để có hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân, vì, nhìn này, tôi có một người vợ cũ. Tôi đã ly hôn được 20 năm. Cô ấy đã tái hôn được 15 năm. Cô ấy là một người tuyệt vời. Cô ấy là một người bạn. Tôi quan tâm sâu sắc đến cô ấy. Cô ấy sẽ luôn là như vậy. Có rất nhiều người mà tôi yêu nhưng tôi sẽ không muốn kết hôn với họ. Và cô ấy sẽ mô tả tôi theo cách đó. Cô ấy sẽ nói, tôi yêu Jim. Anh ấy là một người đàn ông tuyệt vời. Anh ấy là một người chồng cũ tuyệt vời. Tôi là một người chồng cũ tốt hơn rất nhiều so với khi tôi là chồng. Kỹ năng hoàn toàn khác nhau. Hồ sơ hoàn toàn khác nhau. Tôi là một người chồng cũ xuất sắc. Tôi không có đủ kiên nhẫn để là một người chồng tốt, nhưng tôi có đủ kiên nhẫn để là một người chồng cũ tốt. Tôi cũng có thể là một người đồng cha tuyệt vời. Tôi là một người cha rất tốt. Bạn biết đấy, bạn không cần phải là một người chồng tuyệt vời để trở thành một người cha tuyệt vời. Đó là một bộ kỹ năng khác. Giống như, chỉ vì bạn biết nấu ăn thì không có nghĩa là bạn có thể làm nông. Bạn biết đấy, đó là hai điều khác nhau. Vâng, cả hai đều liên quan đến thực phẩm, nhưng đó là hai bộ kỹ năng hoàn toàn khác nhau.
    Vì vậy, về cơ bản, tôi nghĩ rằng cách mọi thứ kết thúc thường ảnh hưởng đến nhận thức và ký ức của bạn về toàn bộ vấn đề. Và bạn, với vai trò là một nhà khoa học não bộ, sẽ có thể nói cho tôi tại sao điều đó hoạt động theo những gì thực sự in ấn lên chúng ta. Nhưng tôi tin, và tôi chắc chắn có lý do hóa học nào đó cho điều đó, đau đớn. Chúng ta nhớ đau đớn nhiều hơn cảm giác thích thú. Bạn biết tất cả những điều này về việc cần 28 ngày để hình thành thói quen hoặc khả năng phản plastic của người lớn. Có một điều gọi là học tập một lần, và nó đến rất nhanh, và nó lưu lại mãi mãi, trừ khi bạn làm điều gì đó để đảo ngược nó. Và đó là cơ sở của chấn thương. Vâng. Những điều xấu, khó khăn, đau đớn được khắc sâu vào hệ thần kinh của chúng ta chỉ trong một lần thử. Vâng. Đáng tiếc, trong một số trường hợp. Và nó hình thành bạn. Vâng. Và nó thay đổi ký ức của bạn về tất cả những điều gì xảy ra trước đó. Sự thật là ly hôn theo kiểu xấu là chấn thương, hết sức. Giống như, tôi đang tham gia vào một khối lượng chấn thương lớn. Chấn thương cho mỗi bên, chấn thương cho những đứa trẻ của họ. Giống như, đó là một chấn thương khổng lồ. Và nó không nhất thiết phải như vậy. Nhưng đây là vấn đề. Không ai đến văn phòng của tôi và ngồi trước mặt tôi và nói, tôi muốn điều này trở nên phức tạp, tốn kém và khủng khiếp. Tôi muốn nó kéo dài thật lâu. Tôi muốn đưa con cái bạn vào đại học thay vì của tôi. Và tôi chỉ muốn điều này trở nên thật khổ sở. Tôi muốn nó trở thành một cuộc hỗn loạn.
    Mọi người đều đến và nói cùng một điều. Tôi muốn công bằng. Tôi chỉ muốn công bằng. Tôi muốn điều này kết thúc nhanh chóng. Và tôi muốn công bằng. Vấn đề là, định nghĩa của họ về công bằng và định nghĩa công bằng của người phối ngẫu hoàn toàn khác nhau. Hoàn toàn khác nhau. Và những gì họ nghĩ rằng họ nợ nhau là hoàn toàn khác nhau. Và bây giờ, cả hai bạn đều có súng chĩa vào nhau. Cả hai bạn đều đã thuê luật sư. Và tôi đã tranh luận cả hai bên về mọi vấn đề mà bạn có thể tranh cãi trong một cuộc ly hôn. Tôi đã tranh luận cả hai bên, có lẽ trước cùng một thẩm phán. Tôi đã có những ngày mà trước cùng một thẩm phán, tôi tranh luận các vị trí hoàn toàn đối lập về các trường hợp khác nhau. Bởi vì đó là bản chất công việc của chúng tôi, đúng không? Và một vũ khí trong tay một người tử tế bảo vệ. Và một vũ khí trong tay kẻ ác gây ra tổn thương khổng lồ. Nhưng vũ khí thì trung lập. Giống như, và tôi là vũ khí. Giống như, và có rất nhiều người giống tôi ở ngoài kia. Và chúng tôi được trả tiền theo giờ. Và chúng tôi được trả tiền bất kể chúng tôi thắng hay thua, nhân tiện. Giống như, luật sư thương tật cá nhân, mọi thứ đều không phí trừ khi chúng tôi thu hồi cho bạn. Không phải luật sư ly hôn.
    Vâng, thống kê 56% của bạn làm tôi nhớ đến, như, Thủy quân lục chiến. Đôi khi bạn sẽ thấy họ với hình xăm, như, giết chóc là nghề của tôi. Và ở cánh tay bên kia, thì, việc kinh doanh thì tốt. Việc kinh doanh thì tốt. Bạn sẽ nói ly hôn là 56%. Và việc kinh doanh thì tốt. Việc kinh doanh thực sự tốt. Và, và, và sự thật là, như, tôi không cần phải làm cho nó trở nên tốt chỉ vì tôi bán ô. Giống như, tôi không ở trong quán bar nói với mọi người, như, này, người đàn ông, bạn có thể làm tốt hơn cô ấy. Giống như, tôi không cần phải. Giống như, mọi người đang làm rất tốt trong việc làm hỏng các mối quan hệ của họ chỉ bằng cách tự mình. Không, bạn là người yêu. Vâng. Ồ, thực ra tôi là. Nhưng ngay cả các đồng nghiệp của tôi, như, chúng tôi không cổ vũ cho ly hôn nhiều hơn một bác sĩ ung thư cổ vũ cho ung thư. Và như, khi mọi người nói với tôi, ôi, bạn kiếm sống bằng cách này, người đàn ông này, anh ta kiếm tiền từ những cuộc sống tan vỡ và nỗi đau khổ của mọi người. Giống như, nó giống như, được rồi, như, mẹ tôi đã bị ung thư. Giống như, tôi không nhìn bác sĩ ung thư và nói, Ồ, tôi cá là bạn cảm thấy tốt về bản thân vì kiếm tiền từ căn bệnh của mẹ tôi. Giống như, không, tôi hiểu là, họ không, họ ở đó vì cái này tồn tại và họ ở đó để cố gắng làm những gì họ có thể để giúp đỡ.
    Và nhân tiện, có rất nhiều người ly hôn theo cách mà bạn mô tả cuộc ly hôn của bạn bè bạn và cách mà tôi mô tả cuộc ly hôn của tôi. Bạn chỉ không nghe thấy về điều đó. Bạn biết tại sao không? Nó là điều ít thú vị nhất. Bạn có nghĩ rằng điều đó thú vị không? Ví dụ, nếu bạn mời tôi đến một bữa tiệc và ai đó hỏi, ôi, bạn làm nghề gì? Tôi trả lời, tôi là một luật sư ly hôn. Và họ nói, ôi trời ơi, bạn chắc phải có nhiều câu chuyện. Và tôi nói, ôi trời ơi, tôi có một câu chuyện này. Có một cặp đôi và họ đã yêu nhau khi còn khá trẻ. Và rồi dần dần, họ chỉ muốn những điều khác nhau. Họ trưởng thành thành những con người khác nhau và dường như đã mất kết nối với lý do tại sao họ lại ở bên nhau. Và biểu đồ Venn của những sở thích và niềm vui chung của họ đã ngày càng nhỏ lại. Vì vậy, họ đã quyết định một cách hòa bình rằng, bạn biết đấy, họ nên chấm dứt mối quan hệ, nhưng họ muốn tiếp tục làm cha mẹ chung thật tốt. Nếu bạn là người khác, bạn sẽ nghĩ, đó là câu chuyện tệ nhất. Trong khi nếu tôi nói, và rồi anh ta đã dùng một chiếc cưa máy và cắt chiếc xe thành hai nửa và nói, chọn nửa nào đi, đồ ngốc. Thì đó là câu chuyện mà bạn sẽ nghĩ, ôi trời ơi, Jim, bạn phải kể câu chuyện này cho người này nghe. Bạn muốn nghe câu chuyện đó. Nó thú vị hơn nhiều. Và nhân tiện, những người có cuộc ly hôn xấu xí, điều đó thực sự rất chấn thương đến mức nó trở thành một phần của họ, giống như, điều đó trở thành một ống kính mà họ nhìn thế giới qua. Nó làm tổn hại niềm tin của họ rất nhiều và họ bị tổn thương vì điều đó. Và đó là cuộc chiến. Tôi thường… Ừ, và họ gần như không biết phải làm gì với bản thân khi mọi thứ kết thúc. Và tác động đến trẻ em và thú cưng. Ừ. Và nhân tiện, hầu hết con người, bạn và tôi đều biết, khi họ kể về câu chuyện cuộc đời họ, họ là nhân vật chính trong câu chuyện. Hoặc là nạn nhân. Hoặc là nạn nhân, đúng không? Một trong những điều tôi thích về tình bạn của chúng ta là, bạn và tôi đều nhận thức rất rõ về những điểm yếu và thành kiến ​​nhận thức của chính mình. Vì vậy, khi chúng ta nói chuyện với nhau, bạn biết đấy, tất cả những người tôi thích nhất là những người thích thực tế, bạn biết không, và thấy mình với một mức độ thực tế nhất định, bạn hiểu không? Và vì vậy, tôi không cần phải sợ khi nói chuyện với họ một cách thẳng thắn và rõ ràng. Và tôi nghĩ rằng trong hôn nhân, và trong ly hôn, nếu bạn kể câu chuyện và bạn nói, ừ, tôi có thể đã làm tốt hơn. Tôi thực sự đã làm sai điều đó. Nhưng, bạn biết đấy, tôi đã làm điều này đúng. Và, bạn biết đấy, cô ấy không công bằng khi nói đến điều đó. Khi bạn kể câu chuyện mà bạn không phải là nhân vật chính trong câu chuyện, thì nó đáng tin hơn, theo ý kiến của tôi. Và tôi nói điều đó như một người kể chuyện kiếm sống, bạn biết đấy, trong một phiên tòa, cố gắng trở nên thuyết phục nhất có thể. Tôi luôn nói với khách hàng của mình, tôi nói, nếu bạn làm cho mình trở thành nhân vật chính và làm cho người khác trở thành kẻ phản diện, thì bạn sẽ mất rất nhiều tín nhiệm. Ai cũng phải là một nhân vật chính khiếm khuyết, một kẻ phản diện có một số đặc điểm tích cực. Đó là một câu chuyện thực có thật hơn nhiều. Những mẫu dập khuôn, đó là lý do mà các chương trình TV cho trẻ nhỏ có kẻ phản diện và nhạc trở nên tối tăm khi kẻ phản diện xuất hiện và nhân vật chính thì tốt ở mọi khía cạnh, nhưng khi lớn lên, chúng ta không muốn như vậy. Chúng ta muốn Breaking Bad. Chúng ta muốn những nhân vật chính phản diện. Chúng ta muốn những người hùng phức tạp. Chúng ta muốn những kẻ phản diện mà chúng ta kiểu thấy hơi thương hại, giống như Joker. Chúng ta hiểu điều đó, bạn biết không? Bởi vì chúng ta có thể liên hệ. Đúng. Bởi vì chúng ta biết đó là những gì chúng ta thực sự là. Và nhân tiện, đó là những gì mà đối tác của chúng ta. Vì vậy, ý tưởng rằng hãy chỉ mặc cho anh ta một bộ tuxedo và cho cô ấy một chiếc váy trắng và sau đó mọi người đều trở thành những người hùng, điều đó thật ngốc nghếch, bạn biết không? Và đó là nơi mà cơn giận dữ trở nên độc hại và định nghĩa về một người, nó không phải lúc nào cũng như vậy. Nếu, ngay từ đầu cuộc trò chuyện về tình yêu, chúng ta chỉ cần bình thường hóa ý tưởng bạn là một con người, tôi là một con người, chúng ta đều có những thiếu sót, chúng ta có hi vọng, chúng ta có nỗi sợ, chúng ta có những điều mà chúng ta làm đúng, những điều mà chúng ta làm sai, chúng ta sẽ thay đổi. Chúng ta sẽ thay đổi theo những cách tốt và xấu nếu bạn muốn phân loại theo cách đó. Vậy thì làm thế nào để chúng ta chăm sóc cây? Làm thế nào để chúng ta giữ cho thứ này khỏe mạnh và sôi nổi? Làm thế nào để chúng ta kiểm tra với một công việc? Bạn có một công việc, bạn có các đánh giá hiệu suất, đúng không? Bạn có một số hệ thống để có phản hồi về những gì bạn đang làm đúng và sai, hoặc có cấu trúc tiền thưởng để có động lực. Vậy tại sao việc nhìn nhận mối quan hệ của chúng ta theo cách đó lại trở nên ít lãng mạn hơn? Để nói rằng, như, này, việc kiểm tra những điều này là quan trọng. Việc có một bảo trì phòng ngừa định kỳ cho điều này là quan trọng. Nếu bạn nói với tôi, ồ, tôi đang đưa xe của mình đi thay dầu, tôi sẽ bảo, sao, bạn không tin vào chiếc xe của mình sao? Không. Sao, bạn có xe rẻ tiền à? Không. Dĩ nhiên, bảo trì phòng ngừa thì hợp lý. Nó tốt hơn rất nhiều so với chờ có vấn đề và sau đó cố gắng giải quyết vấn đề. Chà, tôi nghĩ rằng vấn đề là ở cái tôi, đúng không? Có một điều gì đó trong điệu nhảy tán tỉnh, gọi là “truyền thống”, liên quan đến việc trước khi mọi người chỉ trích nhau, trước khi mọi người bình luận về những điều không hoạt động, ừm, nơi mà, bạn biết đấy, nó là một thực tại giả, đúng không? Bạn chỉ thấy những điều tốt đẹp. Họ chỉ thấy những điều tốt đẹp. Ừm, và cảm giác thật tốt. Và, ừm. Chắc chắn rồi. Có gì không tốt khi chỉ thấy điều tốt? Giống như, những đoạn giới thiệu là phần tốt nhất của bộ phim. Nếu bạn xem những đoạn giới thiệu và bạn nói, ôi, trời ơi, đoạn giới thiệu đó hay quá. Có bao giờ bạn xem một đoạn giới thiệu và nghĩ, ôi, trời ơi, tôi không thể chờ để xem bộ phim đó không? Và rồi bạn xem bộ phim và bạn nói, cái đó thật tồi tệ. Giống như, những cảnh tốt duy nhất là những thứ có trong đoạn giới thiệu trong hai phút đó. Thế thì, được rồi, bạn nghĩ việc tán tỉnh là gì? Tán tỉnh chính là đoạn giới thiệu.
    Nhân tiện, nếu đoạn giới thiệu không ấn tượng thì bộ phim thực sự sẽ rất tệ. Đúng vậy. Các mối quan hệ thì giống như bộ phim “The Deer Hunter” hay gì đó. Thật sự, chúng rất lâu và phức tạp. Và có những khoảnh khắc mà bạn cảm thấy, tôi không biết điểm cốt lõi của điều này là gì, nhưng tôi sẽ tham gia vào chuyến đi này, vậy nên hãy cùng làm thôi, đúng không? Đúng. Tôi kính phục bất kỳ ai đã vượt qua được “The Deer Hunter”. Đó là một bộ phim hay, nhưng nó thực sự rất dài. Nhưng đúng vậy, cần một thời gian để xem hết nó.
    Hãy nói về phim như một điều nghiêm túc. Chắc chắn. Vài năm trước, tôi thấy bạn trên một podcast và bạn đã nói về bộ phim “True Romance”. Oh, chắc chắn. Thích bộ phim đó. Bất kỳ ai là thanh thiếu niên hay ở tuổi 20 vào những năm 90 sẽ nhớ bộ phim đó. Mọi người đều nên xem bộ phim đó nếu đủ tuổi và trưởng thành. Tôi rất phấn khích khi ai đó biết về bộ phim đó. Thật sự là một bộ phim tuyệt vời. Có rất nhiều điều trong đó. Thật tuyệt vời. Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman, cảnh tuyệt nhất trong lịch sử. Michael Rappaport thì hài hước trong bộ phim đó. Brad Pitt cũng có mặt trong đó. Anh ấy có một cảnh nhỏ trong phim. Tôi nghĩ Quentin Tarantino cũng xuất hiện. Quentin Tarantino có thể cũng xuất hiện trong một cảnh cameo. Anh ấy đã viết kịch bản. Anh ấy chắc chắn có một cảnh cameo. Dù sao đi nữa, bộ phim thật tuyệt vời. Và Patricia Arquette, cô ấy rất tuyệt vời. Và Christian Slater thì thật ngầu. Đúng vậy. Bộ phim rất, rất thú vị.
    Và bạn đã nêu lên một điểm xuất sắc, mà không tiết lộ nội dung câu chuyện. Vậy nên không cần cảnh báo về spoiler, điều đó là, bạn biết đấy, tinh thần của bộ phim thực sự là về một người nhìn thấy điều gì đó hoặc một tập hợp những điều trong một người nào đó và chỉ nghĩ rằng họ thật tuyệt vời. Đúng vậy. Tôi không muốn tiết lộ thêm điều gì hơn thế. Tôi muốn, bạn biết đấy.
    Và chỉ đơn thuần là sự trân trọng đối với những điều kỳ quặc và độc đáo. Hai nhân vật chính của bộ phim, mà không tiết lộ điều gì, là những người có nhiều khuyết điểm. Họ thực sự có nhiều khuyết điểm. Theo bất kỳ định nghĩa truyền thống nào, họ không phải là điều mà bạn sẽ nghĩ, ôi, đây là người bạn tình hoàn hảo. Thực tế thì chính xác là ngược lại. Đúng vậy. Chỉ riêng lịch sử của họ cũng là lý do để bỏ đi. Về lý thuyết, có rất nhiều lý do để bỏ đi khỏi người này. Và họ gặp nhau. Và có một tình yêu thực sự ngay lập tức. Có một cảm giác như, tôi thấy bạn đúng như bạn thực sự là. Và tất cả những điều tiêu cực trên giấy tờ, điều đó chẳng có nghĩa gì vì đó không phải là người bạn thực sự. Tôi thấy bạn là ai. Và tôi cổ vũ cho bạn. Và bạn thật sự rất ngầu. Điều đó là thực tế. Và điều đó, đối với tôi, làm cho bộ phim vẫn còn giá trị vì lý do đó. Bởi vì nó chứa đựng cảm giác được nhìn thấy với tất cả những khuyết điểm của bạn. Và chỉ đơn giản là, tôi thấy bạn. Và bạn thấy tôi. Và chỉ có bạn và tôi. Chúng ta cùng làm điều này. Bạn biết đấy, hãy nắm tay nhau và cùng nhau trải qua điều này. Và đây là một trò chơi bạn không thể thắng. Và chúng ta sẽ chơi đến cùng. Giống như, hãy chơi điều này đến cùng đi. Và không có gì tốt hơn điều đó.
    Đúng vậy, bạn đã nắm bắt được. Bạn đã miêu tả hoàn hảo. Tôi cảm thấy rằng, trái ngược với cách bạn miêu tả, tôi nghĩ, rất xác đáng, mạng xã hội như một quảng cáo về một cuộc sống mà mọi người khao khát, ngay cả khi không thể có được, tôi đã cảm thấy một thời gian dài rằng phim và truyền hình và sách và âm nhạc là những quảng cáo cho chính xác những gì bạn vừa mô tả. Sự độc đáo và những điều kỳ quặc của các mối quan hệ không phải là điều điển hình. Chẳng có gì chung chung ở đó cả. Ngay cả khi quyết định về, cái ràng buộc, cái ràng buộc hợp pháp, hôn nhân, bạn biết đấy, hôn nhân là hôn nhân là hôn nhân là hôn nhân. Ý tôi là, có một số sự tinh tế tùy thuộc vào bang và điều kiện, nhưng mỗi một trong số đó là độc đáo. Những người phù hợp đã tìm thấy nhau. Vậy nên có điều gì đó rất đẹp và đặc biệt về bức tranh đó, đúng không? Tình yêu chân thật, đúng không? Như việc nhìn thấy những điều kỳ quái, những điều hàng ngày, và như bạn đã nói, một góc nhìn đồng đội, đúng không? Một cộng một bằng ba. Có giá trị khổng lồ. Giá trị khổng lồ. Điều đó hoàn toàn đối lập với những gì tôi nghĩ nhiều người đang trải qua bây giờ, khi họ có mối quan hệ của riêng mình, nhưng họ cũng có quyền truy cập hình ảnh và phim về tất cả những mối quan hệ khác dưới dạng mạng xã hội. Họ luôn được trình bày với những lựa chọn khác về ít nhất là cách mọi thứ tồn tại đối với những người khác. Và vì vậy tôi tin rằng, một lần nữa, nhà sinh vật học trong tôi nghĩ rằng điều này tạo ra một loại khao khát cho điều gì đó mà một người không có. Bởi vì cuối cùng, tất cả những điều tốt đẹp mà chúng ta đã nói về, cho dù đó là chó hay một người hay câu chuyện về pizza, câu chuyện về kem, hay bất cứ điều gì, đều là việc tắm mát trong sự trọn vẹn của những gì một người đã có thay vì cần thêm hoặc muốn thêm. Vậy bạn có nói rằng mạng xã hội, không phải, tôi có nghĩa là, tôi dạy trên mạng xã hội, bạn cũng ở trên mạng xã hội, nhưng hãy thành thật, rằng nó có thể theo một cách nào đó gây độc hại cho những điều như sự trân trọng, sự chung thủy, không chỉ vì bạn có thể gặp gỡ mọi người ở đó, mà còn vì khao khát mà nó tạo ra.
    Nhìn này, bạn biết đấy, khi bạn đang nói điều đó, tất cả những gì tôi có thể suy nghĩ lại là một cuộc trò chuyện trước đây mà bạn đã có trên một podcast về tình dục và ảnh hưởng của nó đối với chúng ta và nhận thức của chúng ta về tình dục, dopamine, tất cả những thứ khác này. Đúng vậy, vì các chàng trai trẻ thường viết cho tôi về điều này. Các bộ phim hài lãng mạn là tình dục khiêu dâm. Đó là tất cả các bộ phim hài lãng mạn. Nghe này, tôi không nói rằng không có mục đích nào trong việc có một lý tưởng, một lý tưởng lãng mạn hóa, nhưng, nhưng hầu hết các bộ phim hài lãng mạn không phải là tình yêu chân thật, một câu chuyện về hai nhân vật có khuyết điểm, mà, bạn biết đấy, như hầu hết các bộ phim hài lãng mạn giống như một lý tưởng, đúng không? Chúng là một lý tưởng lãng mạn hóa mà, nhân tiện, kết thúc trước khi thực tế có thể xảy ra. Vì vậy, nếu bạn nghĩ rằng Jack, tôi quên mất nhân vật của Kate Winslet trong Titanic là gì, nhưng nếu bạn nghĩ rằng anh ta đã sống ở cuối Titanic, rằng vài năm sau, cô ấy sẽ không nói rằng, được rồi, đủ rồi, đủ vẽ những cô gái Pháp rồi. Bạn phải tìm việc làm, bạn ơi.
    Xin chào, bạn đang nói với tôi rằng, giống như hầu hết những bộ phim này, bạn biết đấy, những bộ phim hài lãng mạn, chúng kết thúc với kiểu, ôi, tôi yêu bạn, tôi luôn yêu bạn, tôi cũng yêu bạn. Và rồi nó kết thúc. Họ không bao giờ phải sống cùng nhau. Họ không bao giờ phải thấy được thực tế về việc họ ở Trader Joe’s, chờ trong hàng, cãi nhau về việc nên mua gì, như kiểu— Anh ấy không tìm ai khác. Anh ấy không tìm một người khác. Anh ấy không ngồi trên ghế sofa lướt mạng trong khi cô ấy cố gắng nói chuyện với anh ấy. Ôi, như vậy cô ấy đã quá tuổi quy định. Đúng rồi, hoàn toàn đúng. Giống như Menudo. Anh ấy kiểu như, đến tuổi 20 thì ra ngoài. Tôi sẽ gặp rắc rối vì câu đó. Chà, tôi nghĩ rằng đó không phải là thông tin công khai. Vậy nên tôi nghĩ cuối cùng, điều cốt lõi ở đây là, nhìn này, tôi không nói rằng hãy loại bỏ khiêu dâm. Tôi có hai cậu con trai. Bây giờ chúng đã là người lớn. Nhưng khi chúng còn nhỏ, đến một độ tuổi nhất định, chúng có điện thoại, có iPad, chúng ta có internet. Và tôi đã nghĩ, chúng sẽ gặp phải khiêu dâm vì nó đến với chúng theo cách mà nó không đến với tôi khi tôi ở độ tuổi đó. Khi tôi ở độ tuổi đó, bạn phải như kiểu trao đổi để có lấy một cuốn tạp chí khiêu dâm của bố ai đó trong vòng một ngày để có thể xem nó. Bạn không thể chỉ đơn giản đăng nhập vào bất kỳ thiết bị nào và bị quá tải với bất kỳ thứ kink nào mà bạn muốn xem. Vâng, thật là khó tin. Nó thậm chí không thể tưởng tượng nổi. Và tôi không biết tác động gì. Ý tôi là, bạn biết rõ hơn tôi. Và bạn đã nói một cách đầy ấn tượng về nó, về tác động của nó đến cơ thể. Nhưng đây là điều tôi sẽ nói với bạn. Nó chắc chắn tạo ra trong con người một cái gì đó, nếu giáo dục giới tính của bạn là khiêu dâm, bạn sẽ gặp rất nhiều khó khăn trong việc điều hướng một mối quan hệ tình dục thực sự. Và nhân tiện, như tôi đã thấy khiêu dâm và tôi đã quan hệ tình dục. Quan hệ tình dục không giống như trong khiêu dâm, nhưng nó cũng tuyệt vời. Như vậy vẫn rất vui. Nó là điều thú vị nhất. Vậy nên tôi không hiểu tại sao bất cứ ai lại như kiểu, ôi, chúng ta phải làm cho nó tốt hơn. Như tình dục thì tuyệt vời. Như vậy thật tuyệt. Tình dục bán tình dục. Bạn không cần phải thêm vào tất cả những thứ đó. Như tôi hiểu lý do tại sao. Vâng, tất nhiên rồi. Như bạn muốn, bạn biết, giống như cái họ làm với khoai tây chiên ở một nhà hàng fast food. Họ tìm ra cách để làm cho chúng trở nên gây nghiện hơn. Bạn biết đấy, tôi hiểu điều đó. Nhưng, nhưng cũng giống như với những bộ phim hài lãng mạn. Như những bộ phim hài lãng mạn là một phiên bản lý tưởng hóa, được phong cách hóa của phần tốt nhất trong tất cả mọi thứ. Giống như khiêu dâm. Vì vậy, nếu bạn dựa mối quan hệ của mình, như mối quan hệ tình dục của bạn vào khiêu dâm hoặc những gì trông đẹp trong phim, bạn đang tự sắp đặt cho mình nỗi đau khổ. Vì vậy, cùng một điều với phim hài lãng mạn. Cùng một điều với kiểu, tôi đã gặp tâm hồn của mình và đó là tâm hồn của tôi. Và rồi nó hoàn hảo và nó giữ nguyên như vậy. Và nếu nó không hoàn hảo, thì họ chắc chắn không phải là tâm hồn của tôi. Tất cả những điều đó chỉ là khiêu dâm. Tất cả những điều đó là lấy cuộc sống mơ ước, những phần hoàn hảo, được phong cách hóa, chỉ đơn giản là cho thấy điều đó. Và rồi thuyết phục mọi người rằng đó là cách nó nên trông như thế nào. Và nếu nó không trông như vậy, bạn sẽ không có thời gian thỏa mãn. Như thực tế là, con người có những khiếm khuyết, nhưng chúng ta muốn cùng một điều. Chúng ta muốn, nhìn này, tôi không tin rằng con đường kiểu như, tôi sẽ sở hữu 50, như bạn và tôi đều biết những người đàn ông sở hữu mọi chiếc xe mà bạn có thể muốn và có thể ngủ với bất kỳ số lượng phụ nữ xinh đẹp nào, ba, bốn cùng một lúc nếu họ muốn. Và họ thì không hạnh phúc. Họ vô cùng bất hạnh. Như tôi đại diện cho những người có giá trị tài sản ròng bằng bạn và tôi gộp lại nhân với một trăm và họ thì khổ sở vì họ không có tình yêu. Họ không có sự kết nối cơ bản với một người khác. Họ không có cảm giác về chính họ như một đối tượng của tình yêu của ai đó và giá trị đến từ điều đó, điều này thực sự là cơ bản. Như hãy nhìn vào một đứa trẻ, hãy nhìn vào một đứa trẻ và nhìn cách chúng nhìn mẹ mình. Như mẹ là tên gọi của Chúa trên môi của trẻ thơ. Như có điều gì đó về cái việc này yêu tôi và muốn điều tốt nhất cho tôi. Như chúng ta ra đời với hình dạng một nửa và có người yêu thương chúng ta, đúng không? Như vậy, dĩ nhiên, chúng ta luôn tìm kiếm để tìm lại loại tình yêu đó và loại kết nối đó. Và có những người tìm thấy nó, nhưng cách họ tìm thấy điều đó không phải qua cổ tích. Nó không qua phiên bản lãng mạn của khiêu dâm. Nó thông qua hiện thực. Tôi nghĩ một trong những lý do tại sao, bạn biết đấy, tôi nghe từ rất nhiều thanh niên về những thách thức của họ với khiêu dâm, điều này cho tôi biết rằng họ đã mặc định vào khiêu dâm hoặc rằng có những yếu tố trong đó đã khiến họ “nghiện” theo cách nói nào đó hoặc ít nhất là theo cách cưỡng bức với nó. Và tôi cũng thực sự nghe nhiều phụ nữ cảm thấy thất vọng với ứng dụng hẹn hò của nam giới và những thứ như vậy là vì mọi người rất sợ, tôi nghĩ phần lớn là do những gì bạn mô tả với mạng xã hội và các hình thức truyền thông khác, nhưng cũng chỉ bởi vì cách mà mọi thứ được chia sẻ nhiều như bây giờ mà mọi người sợ phải tiết lộ bất kỳ loại khuyết điểm nào hoặc tính xác thực của bản thân, trừ khi đó là loại mà họ có thể tận dụng để khiến bản thân trở nên hấp dẫn hơn hoặc điều gì đó. Bởi vì, bạn biết đấy, nếu họ đi ra ngoài hẹn hò hoặc giả sử họ có một nụ hôn đầu tiên hoặc điều gì đó thì nếu họ không phải là một người hôn giỏi thì bạn biết đấy, cô ấy sẽ nói với tất cả bạn bè của cô ấy hoặc, hoặc tệ hơn, đăng nó lên một ứng dụng nào đó mà, bạn biết đấy, nơi có tên anh ấy hoặc anh ấy sẽ ngủ với cô ấy và, và thậm chí có thể chia sẻ hình ảnh của nó với người khác một cách lén lút. Ý tôi là, những thứ đó là bất hợp pháp, theo một cách nào đó, chỉ là vi phạm lòng tin. Như hợp đồng lòng tin đó, mà đơn giản, tôi không biết, vì thiếu từ tốt hơn, đó là một hợp đồng tinh thần nơi bạn nói, Này, lắng nghe, tôi không biết liệu điều này có hiệu quả không. Bạn không biết liệu điều này có hiệu quả không.
    Tôi sẵn lòng đặt cược một cách lành mạnh, một phần sự an toàn của chính mình bằng cách tiết lộ một số điều không phải, không phải là tuyệt vời về bản thân tôi. Có thể bạn sẽ làm điều tương tự hoặc có thể bạn sẽ không. Và tôi sẽ cảm thấy ổn với cách mọi chuyện diễn ra. Điều đó có vẻ ngày càng hiếm hoi ngày nay. Đúng vậy. Bởi vì điều đó là dũng cảm. Nó thật sự dũng cảm. Như tôi, tôi lớn lên, tôi muốn trở nên dũng cảm. Tôi khao khát được dũng cảm. Những người hùng của tôi khi lớn lên đến từ Last of the Mohicans, đúng không? La Lone Carabine, bạn biết đấy, giống như họ là samurai, như trong những bộ phim, như là những bộ phim Moya Moshashi, bạn biết đấy, tất cả các loại phim đó. Và nếu bạn không sợ, thì không phải là dũng cảm. Chỉ dũng cảm khi bạn sợ và bạn vẫn làm điều đó. Đó là điều khiến nó trở nên dũng cảm. Và đó là điều mà chúng ta không còn dạy cho những người đàn ông trẻ nữa, rằng, đúng, điều đó khá đáng sợ. Dễ dàng hơn nhiều để nói rằng, đúng, phụ nữ chẳng có ý nghĩa gì. Phụ nữ chỉ là thứ dùng xong vứt bỏ. Họ giống như iPhone. Tôi sẽ mua cái mới. Nó sẽ có những tính năng khác. Nó sẽ tuyệt vời. Bạn nghĩ Andrew Tate dũng cảm? Andrew Tate dũng cảm bởi vì anh ta đánh Muay Thai. Đó là dũng cảm. Đó là dũng cảm. Đấu với một người đàn ông khác, bằng tay không. Hãy làm đi. Đúng, đó là dũng cảm. Nhưng việc có một đống phụ nữ mà không cam kết với bất kỳ ai, không mở lòng với bất kỳ ai, thì điều đó có gì dũng cảm? Điều đó không dũng cảm chút nào. Những gì dũng cảm là tôi sẽ cho bạn đạn để làm tổn thương tôi. Tôi sẽ cho bạn khả năng làm tổn thương tôi. Và tôi sẽ làm điều đó bất chấp tất cả. Tôi đang sợ, nhưng tôi vẫn sẽ làm điều đó. Và đó là điều khiến nó trở nên dũng cảm. Tôi nghĩ rằng đó là điều mà chúng ta đã mất trong văn hóa này. Và đó là điều mà tôi nghĩ thật ngược đời. Chúng ta nói rằng, ừ thì, thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân, thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân là điều ngược lại. Bởi vì thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân có nghĩa là bạn đang nói, tôi không tin vào điều này. Nó chỉ hoạt động nếu bạn, thật điên rồ. Thật điên rồ khi nói rằng, bạn biết đấy, nếu bạn không, nếu bạn thực hiện bất kỳ biện pháp phòng ngừa nào hoặc bình chính xác hơn, rằng nếu bạn không tin tưởng nó vào cơ quan lập pháp của bang bạn, thì bạn không dũng cảm, điều đó thật điên rồ. Thật dũng cảm khi hợp nhất số phận của bạn với người khác. Thật dũng cảm khi để cho ai đó thấy những gì bạn sợ, những gì bạn hy vọng và khao khát. Tất cả những điều đó đều như là ly hôn là sự gần gũi trở thành vũ khí. Tôi nói điều này như một người đã ở trong phòng với hàng ngàn người đang trải qua điều đó. Tôi thực sự có thể cảm nhận nỗi đau và nỗi sợ hãi của người này, người mà trong những âm thanh thì thầm, bạn đã nói với họ, tất cả những điều mà bạn sợ nhất khi bạn tin tưởng họ hơn bất kỳ ai khác. Và bây giờ họ sẽ sử dụng điều đó chống lại bạn trong một diễn đàn công khai, trong một phòng xử án. Trời ơi, tôi cảm ơn Chúa, tôi không biết cảm giác đó như thế nào khi bị làm tổn thương. Điều đó thật khủng khiếp. Nhưng, nhưng một lần nữa, liệu có đáng để cố gắng không? Có đáng không? Có, nhưng tôi nghĩ rằng việc bắt đầu những cuộc trò chuyện từ ban đầu về việc, nghe này, chúng ta cần phải tìm hiểu, như, liệu đây có phải là kiểu người sẽ làm tổn thương không? Bạn có thể sẽ tổn thương không? Nếu bạn tức giận với tôi, nếu tôi nói cho bạn điều gì đó mà bạn không muốn nghe, liệu bạn có quăng vào tôi những điều thân mật mà tôi đã chia sẻ với bạn không? Bởi vì nếu bạn sẽ làm vậy, thì hãy rút lui ngay bây giờ và đi ra ngoài. Như, đi ra ngoài. Như, nếu bạn nói, tôi đã có những người đàn ông thành đạt đến với tôi và nói, vâng, tôi nói với cô ấy rằng tôi muốn có một thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân. Và cô ấy đã nói, bạn biết đấy, nếu chúng ta có một thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân, tôi sẽ rời đi. Thế thôi. Tôi như, tốt thì để cô ấy ra đi đi, bạn ạ. Bởi vì nếu, nếu tất cả những gì bạn đang nói, tôi yêu bạn, tôi yêu bạn hơn bất kỳ ai trên thế giới này và tôi sẽ yêu bạn mãi mãi. Tuyệt vời, bạn có thể ký vào hợp đồng này không? Dĩ nhiên là không. Nhưng sau đó, chỉ vậy thôi. Tôi không muốn thấy bạn nữa. Wow. Điều đó thay đổi nhanh quá. Bởi vì như một phút trước, bạn yêu tôi hơn bất kỳ điều gì trên thế gian này và bạn sẽ không bao giờ để tôi ra đi dưới bất kỳ hoàn cảnh nào và bạn chưa bao giờ làm tôi tổn thương. Và giờ tôi chỉ nói với bạn rằng tôi có một mối quan tâm tài chính được đề cập về việc để cho cơ quan lập pháp quyết định về tương lai của chúng ta. Và bây giờ bạn đã quyết định rằng bạn thậm chí không thích tôi nữa. Và chúng ta ra đi. Đó là một cú nhảy thật sự lớn lao. Đúng. Có dữ liệu tốt ở đó. Nhưng, nhưng tôi có nghĩa là, làm thế nào để bạn hòa giải điều đó? Nếu họ nói, wow, tại sao bạn lại muốn điều đó? Bạn không có niềm tin vào mối quan hệ của chúng ta sao? Bây giờ hãy có một cuộc trò chuyện. Không, tất nhiên, tôi có niềm tin vào mối quan hệ của chúng ta. Tại sao tôi lại muốn cưới bạn nếu không? Và điều gì khiến bạn sợ hãi? Bạn có sợ hợp đồng sẽ không công bằng không? Bởi vì đây là điều. Tôi muốn nó không như vậy. Tôi muốn biết bạn như thế nào, bạn biết không, tôi đã có một cuộc trò chuyện với các bạn tin cậy về thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân và chúng tôi đã nói về việc tiếp thị thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân. Như thế nào để tiếp thị thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân cho mọi người? Và họ đã nói, giống như, bạn biết đấy, khi bạn nói về việc nó làm sâu sắc thêm mối quan hệ và sự kết nối, được rồi đó là một khát vọng rất nữ tính. Đó là cách tốt để bán thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân cho phụ nữ, đúng không? Nói rằng những cuộc trò chuyện sẽ làm sâu sắc thêm kết nối và sẽ có sự cảm nhận rằng, này, chúng ta đang nói về những gì chúng ta mong đợi ở nhau, điều gì chúng ta sợ hãi. Và tôi đã nói, đối với tôi, tôi nghĩ rằng một điểm vào tuyệt vời cho các chàng trai trong các mối quan hệ dị tính là nói rằng, này, bạn muốn phụ nữ của bạn cảm thấy an toàn, đúng không? Như cô ấy bên bạn. Cô ấy cảm thấy an toàn. Bạn biết đấy, trái tim của cô ấy an toàn. Cơ thể của cô ấy an toàn. Như bạn sẽ giữ cô ấy an toàn. Đúng. Cung cấp và bảo vệ. Đúng. Cung cấp và bảo vệ. Đúng. Một trong những điều tốt nhất về việc là một người đàn ông, đúng không? Là cảm giác rằng, tôi yêu điều đó. Bạn không thử nghiệm lý thuyết đó. Nói với bất kỳ người đàn ông nào, tôi không thể mở cái lọ này. Chúng ta sẽ nói, được rồi, đưa đây, nhìn này. Đây bạn. Bạn biết đấy, chúng ta rất hào hứng với cơ hội đó.
    Tất cả chúng ta đều muốn cung cấp và bảo vệ. Vậy thì, tại sao chúng ta không chuyển cuộc trò chuyện về hợp đồng trước hôn nhân sang việc: cô ấy có thể cảm thấy được yêu thương như thế nào nếu cô ấy không cảm thấy an toàn? Vậy thì, trong tình huống mà anh ấy có nhiều tài sản hơn cô ấy và cô ấy nói rằng, cô ấy muốn làm mẹ một ngày nào đó, hoặc có khả năng cao cô ấy sẽ là một người mẹ trong tương lai. Nếu tôi sẽ là người chăm sóc chính cho con cái của chúng ta và sự nghiệp của anh vẫn là ưu tiên hàng đầu để anh có thể cung cấp, thì anh sẽ tiến xa hơn tôi trong cuộc đua về mặt kinh tế. Vì vậy, chúng ta cần tìm cách đối phó với sự bất bình đẳng đó. Ai lại có thể nói rằng đó không phải là một cuộc trò chuyện công bằng? Ai lại có thể nói như vậy? Bây giờ, hãy xem, nếu bạn đề cập đến điều đó khi chúng tôi đã quyết định ghét nhau và mối quan hệ đã kết thúc và tôi đang ngủ với thư ký của mình, được rồi. Vâng. Bây giờ tôi hiểu tại sao bạn không muốn có một cuộc trò chuyện công bằng về điều đó. Nhưng vào thời điểm đầu, khi chúng ta còn đầy lạc quan, khi chúng ta vẫn cảm thấy tích cực về điều này, liệu có người đàn ông nào sẽ nói: “Này, bạn đang tham lam. Bạn đang là một kẻ đào mỏ.”? Không đâu, bạn sẽ nói, “Này, nghe này, tất nhiên, bạn sẽ phải hy sinh một số điều và tập trung vào một số vấn đề nhất định.” Và bạn biết đấy, tôi hiếm khi gặp một cặp đôi hạnh phúc mà họ lại nói, “Chúng tôi mang đến những điều hoàn toàn giống hệt nhau trong mối quan hệ.” Cô ấy là một người cung cấp tuyệt vời và tôi cũng vậy.
    Không, sự bổ sung là điều quan trọng.
    Tất nhiên. Đúng vậy. Và hãy nói điều đó một cách công khai với nhau. Có thể bạn không muốn công bố điều đó với mọi người và đăng lên mạng xã hội, nhưng bạn có thể nói chuyện riêng tư với nhau về, “Này, chúng ta nợ nhau điều gì? Chúng ta mong đợi điều gì ở nhau? Nếu chúng ta chia tay, điều đó nên như thế nào? Bạn cần gì? Tôi cần gì?” Và bạn có thể nói về điều đó một cách rất thực tế. Và tôi không nghĩ rằng điều đó, tôi nghĩ thực sự điều đó rất lãng mạn vì điều bạn đang nói là tôi muốn bạn cảm thấy an toàn. Tôi muốn bạn cảm thấy an toàn rằng ngay cả khi, vì tôi không, tôi sẽ nói với bạn, thậm chí một cách ích kỷ, tôi không muốn bạn ở đây vì bạn không biết bạn sẽ làm gì về mặt kinh tế nếu chúng ta chia tay. Đó không phải là lý do tốt để ở bên tôi. Tôi muốn bạn muốn tôi bên cạnh bạn vì bạn thích tôi. Bạn thích có tôi xung quanh. Cuộc sống của bạn tốt hơn với sự hiện diện của tôi hàng ngày. Không phải rằng, “À, ai sẽ trả tiền thuê nhà của tôi?” Bạn biết không, tôi muốn, bạn biết đấy, tôi sẽ trả tiền thuê nhà cho bạn. Bạn có thể có tiền trả thuê nhà. Bạn vẫn ở đây chứ? Bởi vì nếu ai đó nói, nếu tôi nói, “Này, nếu tôi trả cho bạn, như ai đó đã nói với tôi cách đây vài ngày, nếu ai đó tặng bạn một trăm triệu đô la, bạn có vẫn làm công việc của bạn không? Bạn có vẫn là một luật sư không?” Và tôi đã nói, “Chắc chắn rồi. Chắc chắn. Tôi có làm công việc ở mức độ hiện tại không? Tôi có lo lắng như hiện tại không? Có thể không, nhưng tôi vẫn sẽ làm công việc đó vì tôi yêu công việc đó, bạn biết đấy?” Và câu trả lời là, nếu bạn có một trăm triệu đô la vào ngày mai, bạn có vẫn làm podcast không? Nếu câu trả lời là không, hãy dừng lại. Tôi đã nói điều này trước đây, và vẫn đúng. Tôi kiểm tra bản thân mình thỉnh thoảng, bạn đề nghị tôi một tỷ đô la để ngừng podcast. Không, tôi chỉ yêu nó. Tôi yêu nhóm của tôi. Tôi yêu việc học hỏi. Tôi yêu việc dạy học. Hết câu chuyện.
    Đúng rồi. Và nhân tiện, hãy tiến xa hơn, phải không? Bạn nhận được giá trị vô cùng từ điều đó và những người tham gia, khán giả và những người đồng sản xuất cũng nhận được điều gì đó từ đó. Đây là một nền kinh tế hoàn toàn tuyệt vời. Mọi người đều nhận được lợi ích, nhà quảng cáo cũng nhận được gì đó từ nó. Mọi người đều nhận được lợi ích. Đây giống như một tình huống thắng lợi cho tất cả mọi người tham gia, đúng không? Được rồi. Vậy thì trong mối quan hệ giữa một người đàn ông và một người phụ nữ hoặc một người đàn ông và một người đàn ông hoặc một người phụ nữ và một người phụ nữ vì sự bình đẳng trong hôn nhân, trong một mối quan hệ lãng mạn, trong một cuộc hôn nhân, nếu bạn nói với bạn đời của mình, “Tôi sẽ cho bạn 10 triệu đô la để bỏ người này.” Nếu câu trả lời là “Tạm biệt,” thì đó không phải là người để ở bên. Chắc chắn không. Được rồi. Vì vậy, tôi thích có cuộc trò chuyện đó sớm. Như thể nếu bạn muốn nói về những rào cản để thoát khỏi, nhân tiện, bạn có thể đưa bất cứ điều gì bạn muốn vào hợp đồng trước hôn nhân. Vậy bạn có thể đưa vào các điều khoản tài chính trong một hợp đồng trước hôn nhân sẽ mang lại cho người này một khoản tiền lớn. Tôi đã có một khách hàng là một người đàn ông trẻ tuổi vào độ tuổi ba mươi. Anh ấy là một người làm việc tại Goldman. Tôi có thể nói điều đó. Và, anh ấy có giá trị khoảng 30, 40 triệu đô la ở độ tuổi 30. Vì vậy, anh ấy đang ở giai đoạn đầu của sự nghiệp. Ý tôi là, anh ấy sẽ thành công trong đời. Đó là rất nhiều tiền. Và anh ấy đang kết hôn với một giáo viên yoga, người kiếm ít tiền. Cô ấy vô cùng xinh đẹp, hài hước, thông minh, rất sâu sắc, tâm linh. Anh ấy thì rất thực tế, rất phân tích. Và cô ấy đã làm cho anh ấy tươi sáng hơn và mang đến sự mạo hiểm và niềm vui. Họ rất hòa hợp với nhau. Và họ đã thực hiện hợp đồng trước hôn nhân này. Và tất nhiên họ đều có luật sư giỏi, đúng không? Vì vậy, anh ấy thuê tôi và cô ấy thuê một đồng nghiệp của tôi tại một công ty lớn ở thành phố mà tôi có rất nhiều vụ án cùng. Và, các luật sư đã tham gia vào việc của chúng tôi, bạn biết đó? Vì vậy, tôi đã đưa vào một điều khoản từ bỏ bất kỳ khoản trợ cấp nuôi dưỡng nào. Và bên kia đã phản hồi lại và nói, “Không, không, nếu họ kết hôn trong một khoảng thời gian nhất định, thì là một tỷ lệ phần trăm nhất định. Và nếu trong một khoảng thời gian khác, thì là một tỷ lệ phần trăm khác.” Vì vậy, tôi đến gặp khách hàng của tôi vì đây là một cuộc thương lượng, nhưng nó với một người mà anh ấy đã trở về nhà mỗi đêm vì họ đã sống chung với nhau rồi, bạn biết không? Và tôi đã nói với anh ấy, “Nghe này, họ muốn cấu trúc này và số tiền này cho điều đó.” Và anh ấy nói, “Ừ, chỉ cần đưa vào khoảng 5 triệu đô la.” Tôi đã nói, “Xin lỗi, cái gì cơ?!” Và anh ấy nói, “Ừ, nếu chúng tôi ly hôn, cô ấy sẽ nhận 5 triệu đô la.” Tôi đã nói, “Chờ đã, nếu bạn ly hôn trong một tháng, vì cô ấy đang ngủ với huấn luyện viên tennis của cô ấy, cô ấy sẽ nhận 5 triệu đô la?” Và anh ấy nói, “Ừ, bạn biết đó, nếu chúng tôi ly hôn, tôi sẽ có nhiều vấn đề nghiêm trọng hơn.”
    Xin chào, bạn biết đấy, như thế này,
    vâng, chỉ là như bạn biết đấy, tôi sẽ biết rằng nếu cô ấy ở lại, tôi sẽ biết cô ấy thích tôi hơn 5 triệu đô la. Thế thì thật tốt. Tốt cho anh ấy. Và tôi đã nghĩ, bạn biết đấy? Điều đó thật ngầu theo nghĩa tốt. Tôi rất thích điều đó. Và họ vẫn còn kết hôn. Và điều đó có lẽ đã cách đây hơn 10 năm, bạn biết không? Và họ gặp khó khăn. Họ có một vài đứa trẻ bây giờ. Như, và trong khoảnh khắc đó, tôi nhớ đã nghĩ, vâng, chắc chắn hai người đó sẽ ổn thôi, bạn biết đấy.
    Không bao giờ là thừa, và thường thì việc hào phóng lại có thể giúp ích. Ý tôi là, đôi khi sự hào phóng, người ta sẽ nhìn lại sự hào phóng của họ và thực sự, không, tôi không thể nghĩ đến một trường hợp nào mà, bạn biết đấy, tôi thậm chí còn bị ép để trở nên hào phóng hơn một chút so với động lực của tôi vào thời điểm đó. Và không nghĩ rằng, khi nhìn lại, đó là điều đúng đắn để làm. Ý tôi là, bạn biết đấy, tôi, đã không trải qua những hoàn cảnh mà có nhiều tiền như vậy hoặc ký một bản hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân. Ừ, nếu bạn có nhiều tiền như vậy, thì điều đó thực sự không còn có ý nghĩa gì nữa. Như tôi đại diện, tôi có một vài khách hàng tỷ phú. Một trong những khách hàng của tôi trị giá 8 tỷ đô la. Bạn biết đấy, giống như Stalin đã nói, cái chết của một người là một bi kịch. Cái chết của một triệu người chỉ là một con số. Nếu tôi nói với bạn, Andrew, tin tốt là bạn đã thắng 150 triệu đô la. Xin lỗi, 130 triệu đô la. Bạn sẽ không nói, ồ, con số trên một trang giấy chỉ là những con số trên một trang giấy. Nó bắt đầu cảm giác như một giọt trong đại dương. Bạn không thể nào tiêu số tiền đó được. Đúng vậy. Số tiền mà tiền kiếm được hàng năm, chỉ riêng từ lãi suất đã là điên rồ. Vậy thì. Vâng, niềm vui trong việc hào phóng là cơ hội, ít nhất trong trường hợp này, hoặc một điều gì đó tương tự, là cơ hội để làm điều gì đó có ý nghĩa đối với người khác.
    Vâng. Và đối với bạn chỉ cảm thấy tốt khi làm. Vâng. Bạn biết đấy, người ta hy vọng rằng anh ấy không nói đưa cô ấy 5 vì 5 không cảm thấy là gì cả. Ý tôi là, nếu anh ấy có, không, tôi nghĩ anh ấy cảm thấy, cảm thấy điều đó không phải lý do của anh ấy. Đây không phải là một người không coi trọng tiền bạc. Anh ấy đã xây dựng sự nghiệp từ đó. Nhưng tôi nghĩ điều anh ấy đang nói là, vâng, không có cách nào mà 5 triệu đô la không đủ để cô ấy ổn. Và tôi muốn cô ấy ổn. Tôi muốn cô ấy an toàn. Tôi muốn cô ấy cảm thấy đúng đắn. Và anh ấy đang nói, bạn biết đấy, vì nhìn này, khi bạn kết hôn với ai đó theo cách đúng, hoặc thậm chí sống chung với ai đó, hoặc thậm chí bước vào mối quan hệ với ai đó, bạn như đang trao cho họ một cái dao và nói, được rồi, đây rồi. Bạn có thể, nếu bạn muốn, nó là của bạn. Nếu bạn muốn đâm tôi bằng cái đó, bạn có, đây đây là những điểm yếu của tôi. Tôi sẽ chỉ cho bạn tất cả chúng ở đâu. Như vậy, và tôi đang cho bạn điều đó. Và một lần nữa, tôi nghĩ đó là điều dũng cảm nhất trên thế giới. Và tôi nghĩ đó là điều ngầu nhất trên thế giới. Ôi, tôi đã làm điều đó nhiều lần. Đôi khi nó kết thúc tốt. Đôi khi nó không kết thúc tốt, nhưng tôi sẽ nói với bạn. Và nhân tiện, với đủ thời gian, cả hai đều có điều gì đó thực sự đẹp đẽ về chúng. Ý tôi là, hãy nhìn xem, tôi, tôi đã suy nghĩ về điều này rất nhiều gần đây và tôi không muốn chuyển sang hoàn cảnh riêng của tôi, nhưng bạn biết đấy, kể từ khi tôi, có lẽ từ khi tôi còn là một phôi thai, nhưng từ khi tôi đủ lớn để nhớ, tôi quan tâm và trên cuộc phiêu lưu của cuộc sống. Vâng. Và bạn là một người lãng mạn trong tâm hồn. Ý tôi là, đó là một chức năng của tình bạn của chúng ta là do tôi nghĩ bạn là một người lãng mạn trong tâm hồn. Và tôi nghĩ rằng những người đã từng bị tình yêu đánh gục và vẫn nói, vâng, tôi sẽ làm lại. Hãy làm đi. Đưa tôi quay lại. Tôi thích điều đó. Đưa tôi quay lại. Tôi thích điều đó. Và nhân tiện, đó là thống kê mà mọi người thường quên, đó là 56% các cuộc hôn nhân kết thúc trong ly hôn và 85% những người ly hôn lại kết hôn trong vòng năm năm. Đó là một thống kê không thể tin được. Đó là một thống kê không thể tin được. Và tôi, tôi thường, tôi thực hiện hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân của họ. Tôi nói với tất cả các khách hàng của tôi, nhân tiện, rằng nếu tôi đã xử lý vụ ly hôn tranh chấp của bạn, tôi sẽ làm bất kỳ hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân nào cho bạn cho bất kỳ cuộc hôn nhân tiếp theo nào miễn phí. Và tôi chỉ có ba khách hàng chấp nhận điều đó. Vì vậy, mọi người dũng cảm hơn những gì bạn nghĩ.
    Tôi nghĩ vậy. Tôi nghĩ, nhìn này, tôi nghĩ sự thận trọng là phần tốt hơn của tất cả lòng dũng cảm. Vì vậy, tôi là một người hâm mộ lòng dũng cảm, nhưng tôi cũng là một con người thực dụng. Và tôi nghĩ có giá trị trong việc nói, được rồi, hãy cùng lao vào điều này. Hãy làm điều này dũng cảm. Hãy làm điều này. Nhưng một lần nữa, tôi nghĩ dũng cảm ở phía trước, đó là dũng cảm khi có một cuộc trò chuyện về điều gì đó như thế này trông sẽ ra sao nếu chúng ta làm tổn thương nhau? Thì nếu chúng ta cũng giống như phần lớn mọi người? Chúng ta sẽ làm gì? Như, chúng ta sẽ làm gì? Bạn biết không? Và có giá trị trong cuộc trò chuyện đó. Thôi nào. Mọi người đàn ông dị tính nào cũng sẽ nói với bạn rằng họ đã có một cuộc trò chuyện với người phụ nữ trong đời họ, nơi cô ấy nói, nếu tôi bị mất một chân, bạn vẫn sẽ yêu tôi chứ? Và bạn sẽ nói, cái gì, sao cái đó lại xuất hiện? Bởi vì người ta đang nói gì? Họ đang nói, Này, bạn biết đấy, như nếu tôi không hoàn toàn là chính mình, như bộ phận nào của tôi bạn sẽ phải mất đi để tôi không còn yêu bạn nữa? Như, tôi hiểu câu hỏi đó như cái gì nó là. Ý tôi là, ở một mức độ nào đó, đó là một bài tập tư tưởng. Nó mang tính giai thoại. Nó thú vị, bạn biết đấy? Và phản ứng của tôi với nó thường là, như một cái chân đầy đủ, quên đi. Bạn biết đấy, phản ứng của tôi? Vâng, tôi sẽ yêu bạn nhiều hơn. Vâng. Vâng. Và sau đó họ nói, chờ đã, bạn đang muốn gì? Vâng. Vâng. Bạn sẽ nói, tốt là chúng ta còn chơi nhảy lò cò chứ? Tôi không biết. Không, chỉ là ý tưởng, tôi có nghĩa là, tôi nghĩ câu hỏi là một câu hỏi đẹp đẽ vì đó là, đó là một câu hỏi về sự dễ bị tổn thương, đúng không? Vâng. Nó đang nói nếu tôi, vì thường người ta không hỏi, Này, nếu tôi, biết đấy, tăng 50 cân. Vâng. Bạn vẫn sẽ yêu tôi chứ? Vâng.
    Bạn biết không, một chân bị thiếu thì, thì thật sự là rất kịch tính, nhưng đồng thời, nó cũng bảo tồn một số thứ trong khi, um, nó loại bỏ một điều gì đó nhất định. Ừm. Nó rất, nó rất rõ ràng. Có một cách khác để nhìn nhận điều này. Bạn biết đấy, hồi nhỏ tôi đã xem “LA Law”. Tôi nghĩ đó là một phần lý do tại sao tôi trở thành luật sư vì tôi thích chương trình đó. Gần đây tôi đã cố gắng xem lại. Nó có trên một trong những dịch vụ streaming và nó không còn phù hợp nữa. Um, nhưng tôi đã lớn lên với nó. Bởi vì nó thiếu sự chính xác về mặt chính trị theo tiêu chuẩn ngày nay. Ừm. Cũng như một số cốt truyện và có những vấn đề về giới trong đó mà bạn sẽ nghĩ, ôi, Chúa ơi, bạn biết không? Và cũng như một luật sư, tôi thấy rất khó để xem các chương trình về luật sư. Bởi vì bạn sẽ nghĩ, điều đó sẽ không bao giờ xảy ra. Phản đối! Dẫn chứng! Bạn sẽ thấy mình cứ như vậy. Không một người bạn nào của tôi trong các lực lượng đặc biệt có thể xem một bộ phim. Ừm, chính xác. Họ không thể. Không thể. Điều đó quá đau đớn. Thật sự là đau đớn khi làm điều đó. Đúng vậy. Nhưng, nhưng tôi lớn lên với nó và tôi đã muốn trở thành một luật sư rất ngầu tên là Victor Sefuentes và anh ấy có một chiếc bông tai và tôi đã nghĩ, tôi sẽ trở thành anh ấy. Thay vào đó, tôi đã trở thành Arnie Becker, luật sư ly hôn trong chương trình mà bạn biết đấy, như Corbin Bernson đã diễn. Và, uh, tôi chưa bao giờ tưởng tượng rằng đó là người mà tôi sẽ lớn lên trở thành, nhưng điều đó thực sự đã tạo ra trong tôi tình yêu đối với pháp luật. Nhưng có một nhân vật trong chương trình tên là Benny và anh ấy bị khuyết tật phát triển và anh ấy làm việc trong phòng sao chép và anh ấy có một sự say mê với một cô thư ký. Và cô ấy nói với anh ấy về việc, ồ, tôi đang cố gắng, như cô ấy đang ăn một đĩa salad và anh ấy nói, ừ, tại sao bạn lại ăn cái đó cho bữa trưa? Bạn biết đấy, không trông ngon lắm. Và cô ấy nói, ừ, tôi muốn gầy hơn. Và anh ấy hỏi, tại sao bạn lại muốn gầy hơn? Và cô ấy đáp, ừ, vì nếu tôi giảm được 20 pound, bạn biết đó, tôi sẽ xinh đẹp hơn. Và anh ấy nói, không, bạn chỉ nhỏ hơn thôi. Và có một sự đơn giản trong đó, hoàn toàn thành thật. Như, không, bạn chỉ có ít hơn mà thôi. Bạn biết đấy, khi ai đó hỏi, nếu tôi tăng 50 pound, bạn có còn yêu tôi không? Tôi nghe thấy điều đó như một, một bài thực nghiệm tư tưởng và, uh, bạn đang tìm kiếm tôi để đảm bảo cho bạn biết tôi yêu bạn nhiều như thế nào. Nhưng cũng có nghĩa là, nếu có điều gì đó thay đổi, như điều gì ở tôi có thể thay đổi? Và điều gì ở tôi thì không thể thay đổi? Như cái gì sẽ là những điều về tôi có thể thay đổi? Bởi vì, nhân tiện, đôi khi mọi thứ thay đổi hoàn toàn ngoài tầm kiểm soát của chúng ta. Bạn biết đấy, khối u là lý do khiến bạn tăng cân. Chứ không phải vì bạn thích ăn Big Macs. Vậy nếu, nếu bạn tăng cân vì bạn không trách nhiệm trong thói quen ăn uống của mình so với việc bạn tăng cân vì khối u, đây là hai hoàn cảnh rất khác nhau. Nhưng nếu điều người ta đang nói là, bạn yêu điều gì ở tôi và điều gì về tôi có thể thay đổi? Và, và tôi có thể mất đi tình yêu của bạn. Một lần nữa, cuộc trò chuyện đó là gì, nếu không phải là cuộc trò chuyện về hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân? Đó là chúng ta có ý nghĩa gì với nhau? Chúng ta nợ nhau cái gì? Chúng ta lưu giữ giá trị ở đâu trong mối quan hệ này? Và khi nó thay đổi, không phải nếu, mà là khi nó thay đổi, những thay đổi nào chúng ta có thể giao tiếp? Chúng ta có thể giao tiếp như thế nào về cảm nhận của những thay đổi đó? Bởi vì đây là điều. Nếu chúng ta có ít quan hệ tình dục hơn 10 năm trong mối quan hệ, tôi không nghĩ điều đó là bất thường. Như khi bạn mới hẹn hò, số lượng quan hệ tình dục bạn có và số lượng quan hệ tình dục bạn có 10 năm sau với hai đứa trẻ thì có thể khác nhau và có lẽ là ít hơn. Điều đó có nghĩa là có điều gì đó sai trong mối quan hệ của bạn không? Không nhất thiết phải như vậy. Như bạn cũng đang già đi. Điều đó có thể thay đổi. Mức testosterone của bạn thay đổi. Có thể cơ thể của cô ấy thay đổi khi bạn có con. Ai mà biết được? À, nếu bạn có nhiều quan hệ tình dục hơn, điều đó có nghĩa là mối quan hệ của bạn khỏe mạnh không? Không nhất thiết như vậy. Đúng không? Vậy nên câu hỏi đặt ra là khi mọi thứ thay đổi, chúng ta sẽ kiểm tra như thế nào về điều đó? Bởi vì tôi không nghĩ, hãy giả sử mọi thứ đều như cũ và mọi thứ đều ổn. Ổn thôi. Ổn thôi. Tôi không nghĩ đó là câu trả lời. Tôi nghĩ đó là điều gây ra tỷ lệ ly hôn 56%. Tôi đã nghe người ta nói rằng đàn ông kết hôn với phụ nữ với suy nghĩ rằng họ sẽ không thay đổi. Phụ nữ kết hôn với đàn ông với suy nghĩ rằng họ sẽ thay đổi. Và đó chính là thách thức. Đó chỉ là một câu nói, nhưng… Ừm. Ý tôi là, có nhiều châm ngôn hay. Một trong những điều tôi đã nghe trước đây mà tôi nghĩ tương tự là phụ nữ kết hôn với người đàn ông mà họ muốn dành phần còn lại của cuộc đời mình với, còn đàn ông kết hôn với người phụ nữ mà họ không muốn tưởng tượng phần còn lại của cuộc đời mà không có cô ấy. Đó là một phiên bản lãng mạn hơn của nó. Vì vậy, phụ nữ đang phân tích nó trong tương lai tưởng tượng với người này và đàn ông đang nghĩ về sự mất mát tưởng tượng trong tương lai. Tôi đã dành rất nhiều thời gian trong phòng với những người vừa mới phát hiện hoặc bị bắt gặp vợ/chồng ngoại tình. Và câu hỏi phổ biến nhất mà người đàn ông muốn biết là, bạn đã quan hệ với anh ta chưa? Và câu hỏi phổ biến nhất mà phụ nữ muốn biết là, bạn có yêu cô ấy không? Và điều đó nói lên điều gì về giá trị đối với hai người đó. Bởi vì đối với người đàn ông, giống như, bạn đã phản bội tôi về mặt thể xác phải không? Còn với người phụ nữ, giống như, tôi không còn giá trị nào với bạn nữa sao? Bạn không yêu tôi sao? Bạn có muốn người này hơn bạn muốn tôi không? Nó liên quan nhiều hơn đến giá trị hơn là đến tình dục nhất thiết, đúng không? Và một lần nữa, tôi không nói tất cả đàn ông. Tôi không nói tất cả phụ nữ. Nhưng tôi nghĩ có một cảm giác trong các người đàn ông, nhiều người đàn ông, tôi nói điều này ngay cả trong các mối quan hệ cá nhân của tôi với bạn bè nam, rằng họ như, ừ, như một khi họ tìm thấy ai đó mà họ như, ừ, tôi không thể tưởng tượng như cô ấy không ở đây. Và họ kết hôn vì họ như, tôi phải kết hôn với cô ấy nếu không tôi sẽ mất cô ấy. Bạn biết đấy, tôi chưa bao giờ gặp một anh chàng nào nói rằng, tôi không thể chờ đến ngày cưới của mình. Và tôi đã tưởng tượng bộ vest của mình và tôi chỉ không thể chờ đợi.
    Giống như, không phải, chỉ là không phải thứ mà đàn ông, tôi không biết nhiều đàn ông có thể mơ về ngày cưới của họ. Trong khi đó, tôi biết rất nhiều phụ nữ, một phần trong số đó là do văn hóa, rằng chúng ta đã nhồi nhét những bữa tiệc cưới vào họ và bạn sẽ được làm công chúa trong một ngày, mặc chiếc váy và mọi người đều chú ý đến bạn vì cô dâu là trung tâm của buổi lễ, bạn biết không, tôi hiểu điều đó. Nhưng, nhưng cũng có một điều gì đó về ý tưởng như, bạn biết đấy, hầu hết đàn ông mà tôi biết, họ như kiểu, vâng, chúng tôi đã kết hôn. Bởi vì, bạn biết đấy, đó là điều mà bạn nên làm. Như là, bạn làm cho cô ấy trở thành một người phụ nữ chính chuyên, bạn biết không, như là, cha mẹ của cô ấy sẽ giết tôi nếu chúng tôi không kết hôn. Bạn bè của cô ấy đều kết hôn. Vì vậy, hoàn cảnh là, bạn biết đấy, tất cả bạn bè của cô ấy, cô ấy đã làm phù dâu tám lần. Tôi như kiểu, đã đến lúc rồi, bạn biết không, trong khi phụ nữ rất thường xuyên tự hỏi, điều này sẽ đi về đâu? Chúng tôi có tiến tới không? Và một lần nữa, có lẽ có một loạt lý do, liên quan đến tiến hóa, sinh học, liên quan đến sự sinh sản. Có rất nhiều yếu tố văn hóa, tôn giáo, có đủ thứ, nhưng cuối cùng chúng ta vẫn ở vị trí hiện tại trong phương trình đó. Và tôi nghĩ rằng hôn nhân là điều mà hầu hết đàn ông đều như kiểu, được thôi, nếu đó là cái giá, như là nếu tôi phải mua cái vé đó để đi trên chuyến đi, tôi thích chuyến đi. Tôi không muốn mất đi cuộc hành trình đó. Tôi không muốn mất đi người này.
    Ôi trời. Tôi chỉ, tôi không, tôi không nhất thiết phải đồng ý với bạn, nhưng như kiểu, tôi chỉ có thể nghe thấy những tiếng nói trong đầu mọi người về việc, thực sự, điều đó có phải là thụ động với đàn ông không? Bạn biết đấy, họ như kiểu, nghe có vẻ như một phản ứng thụ động. Như là, vâng, tôi đoán thực sự không còn con đường nào khác ở đây, đúng không?
    Tôi đã có rất nhiều, cho tôi nói cho bạn biết một điều. Mọi người nói dối với nhà trị liệu của họ. Họ không nói dối với luật sư ly hôn của họ. Như tôi đã có 25 năm trò chuyện với những người đàn ông đang kết thúc một cuộc hôn nhân hoặc bắt đầu một cuộc hôn nhân và đang thảo luận về việc ký hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân hoặc nghĩ về việc ký hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân, nhưng họ quá sợ để nói bất kỳ điều gì với cô ấy về nó. Tôi đã có những điều tương tự với phụ nữ. Tôi đã đại diện cho khoảng một nửa, nửa đàn ông, nửa phụ nữ. Và, và tôi nói với bạn, như là, bạn không cần phải thích sự thật. Sự thật là sự thật. Như là, bạn không cần phải thích, tôi hiểu điều đó, người bạn, như là, đừng bắn người đưa tin. Như là, đó là cách nó diễn ra, bạn biết không? Và mỗi lần tôi nói về những điều này, vì chúng rất liên quan đến những vấn đề về giới và chúng rất, tôi biết tôi đang đặt một mục tiêu lớn và mọi người như kiểu, ôi, người này, tôi không quan tâm, vì đây là điều. Ngồi trong văn phòng của tôi một tuần.
    Chà, bạn là một sát thủ cơ hội bình đẳng khi nói đến những cuộc trò chuyện này. Ý tôi là, chắc chắn.
    Chắc chắn, điều bạn vừa nói khá khiến đàn ông trở thành mục tiêu theo nghĩa đó, nó khiến họ nghe có vẻ như, ừm, họ tham gia vào đó vì thực sự không còn con đường nào khác trên núi cả.
    Chắc chắn.
    Mặt khác, có điều gì đó vừa lãng mạn vừa thực sự đáng kính về việc, vâng, nhìn đi, có thể có những lựa chọn khác, nhưng đây là lựa chọn mà tôi thích. Và cô ấy thật sự muốn điều này và tôi muốn cô ấy. Và vì vậy đó là hợp đồng. Ý tôi là, có điều gì đó khá đẹp đẽ về điều đó, sao lại là thụ động? Đó là tình yêu. Đó là tình yêu. Đó là kinh tế của tình yêu. Cái gì? Bạn thích đi đến các buổi triển lãm đồ cổ? Tôi không thích, nhưng bạn biết không? Nếu cô ấy muốn đi, nếu đó là điều mà cô ấy thích, bạn nghĩ cô ấy thích các giải đấu jujitsu Brazil à? Bạn đã ngửi thấy chưa? Tin tôi đi, điều đó không phải, nhưng cô ấy biết không? Tôi yêu điều đó. Và cô ấy rất hào hứng khi thấy tôi hào hứng.
    Tôi chưa bao giờ đi đến một cái nào, nhưng tôi có thể tưởng tượng.
    Ôi tin tôi đi. Bạn có thể ngửi thấy nó từ đây. Thật không thể tin được. Mùi hương như kiểu, bạn không thể tin được trong cả cuộc đời của bạn. Tôi, điều duy nhất khác có thể có mùi hương tồi tệ như vậy có thể là một cái cây gỗ. Nhưng sự thật là một phần của tình yêu là, bạn biết đấy, vâng, bạn yêu, bạn muốn một miếng pizza hơn tôi. Như một phần của nó là như, được rồi, như đây là điều quan trọng với bạn.
    Vâng. Niềm vui và hy sinh.
    Đúng. Bởi vì nghe này, nếu điều này quan trọng với tôi và điều này quan trọng với bạn, tôi có làm điều đó vì bạn không? Tôi có làm điều đó vì tôi không? Hay cả hai chúng tôi? Như cái đẹp là khi bạn không hy sinh để đưa ra, bạn biết đấy, khi có cảm giác như, nếu điều này quan trọng với bạn, nó vừa trở nên quan trọng với tôi. Như, và nhưng đó chính là cốt lõi của bất kỳ mối quan hệ lành mạnh nào. Bạn biết không, nếu bạn nói với tôi với tư cách là bạn của tôi, như là Jim, điều này khiến tôi bối rối. Được rồi. Hoặc tôi sợ điều này. Nếu tôi nói, ồ, tôi không sợ điều đó. Bạn biết đấy, cám ơn. Điều đó không giúp ích gì cho tôi.
    Vâng. Nó như kiểu không còn là một tình bạn tại điểm đó nữa.
    Đúng. Khi bạn nói với ai đó như là, Ừ, tôi hiểu điều đó, bạn biết không? Thành thật mà nói, như là, tôi hiểu điều đó. Như là, tôi không, tôi không sợ điều đó. Và đây là cách tôi suy nghĩ về điều đó, đó là lý do tại sao tôi không sợ nó. Như là, và tôi hy vọng rằng điều đó có thể giúp ích, bạn biết không? Như là, và đó là điều, hoặc chỉ đơn giản là lắng nghe người đó và nói như là, vâng, tôi hiểu điều đó, bạn ơi. Này, điều đó công bằng. Như là mọi người đều sợ điều đó. Này, tôi có một số điều mà tôi sợ mà có thể bạn không sợ. Như là, điều đó cũng không sao cả. Vì vậy, tại sao không phải, tôi không nghĩ rằng có điều gì đó thụ động về việc một người đàn ông nói, vâng, hôn nhân không quan trọng với tôi, nhưng nó quan trọng với cô ấy. Và điều quan trọng với cô ấy trở thành điều quan trọng với tôi vì cô ấy quan trọng với tôi. Như là, điều đó thật đẹp.
    Vâng. Tôi không muốn ngụ ý rằng nó là thụ động. Tôi muốn làm rõ ràng. Tôi nghĩ rằng một số người có thể ngạc nhiên khi biết rằng nhiều đàn ông, vì tôi đồng ý với bạn, bởi vì, sẽ đồng ý làm những điều không phải chỉ vì niềm vui và thích thú thuần túy của điều đó, mà vì niềm vui sâu sắc hơn của việc làm cho người mà họ quan tâm hạnh phúc. Tôi cảm thấy như đó là tình yêu. Như đó là một yếu tố lớn trong tình yêu.
    Và vì vậy, tôi nghĩ rằng hôn nhân có thể là một trong những thứ mà chỉ cần nhìn vào, dù bạn có muốn hay người kia có muốn, thì có điều gì đó tuyệt vời về việc bạn hào hứng với điều này. Được rồi, hãy làm đi. Nhưng hãy ký hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân. Tất nhiên là ký hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân. Tại sao bạn lại không ký? Nghe này, anh bạn, tôi yêu bạn. Và tôi tin rằng bạn là một tay lái giỏi. Khi chúng ta lên xe, tôi sẽ thắt dây an toàn, sẽ thắt dây an toàn. Tại sao lại không? Bởi vì có những tay lái khác. Có những tay lái khác trên đường. Đúng vậy, chắc chắn có những tay lái khác trên đường. Nhân tiện, như một lần nữa, đây là một tình huống mà có những quy tắc tồn tại, dù bạn có chấp nhận hay không. Như vậy, đó là điều về sự thật, đúng không? Những niềm tin của tôi không yêu cầu bạn phải tin vào chúng. Như vậy, bạn không cần phải tin vào sự thật. Nếu đó là sự thật, thì đó là sự thật. Có một bộ quy tắc quản lý mọi cuộc hôn nhân. Nó được viết bởi cơ quan lập pháp của bang, hết.
    Tôi muốn thảo luận về những mối quan hệ bắt đầu sớm trong cuộc đời so với những mối quan hệ bắt đầu muộn hơn. Khi tôi còn là sinh viên đại học, tôi đã tham gia một khóa học, thực ra là nhiều khóa học từ một giáo sư thật tuyệt vời. Tôi đã học về thần kinh giải phẫu từ ông, sinh vật học thần kinh phát triển. Ông đã cho tôi điểm B cộng duy nhất sau năm đầu tiên. Điều này không phải để khoe khoang về những điểm số khác của tôi, nhưng đó là khóa học mà tôi học hỏi được nhiều nhất. Tôi vẫn nhớ những câu hỏi mà tôi đã trả lời sai. Tôi vẫn nhớ ông đã giải thích chính xác lý do tại sao tôi lại sai. Đó là trải nghiệm học tập tốt nhất, đúng không? Vâng, thật tuyệt vời. Nhiều năm sau, tôi quay lại thăm ông vì lý do xã hội. Và ông đã có con rồi. Ông đã kết hôn và có một đứa trẻ mới. Và ông đã nói với tôi điều gì đó. Tôi không biết tại sao ông lại cảm thấy bị ép buộc phải nói cho tôi biết về cuộc sống cá nhân của ông và đưa ra lời khuyên, nhưng ông đã làm vậy vì ông được biết đến như một người đàn ông khá cứng nhắc. Chắc chắn rồi. Rất cầu toàn, điều này cũng tạo nên sự xuất sắc của ông trong lĩnh vực thần kinh giải phẫu. Chắc chắn. Và ông đã nói với tôi rằng, bạn biết đấy, tôi không biết cuộc sống cá nhân của bạn như thế nào, nhưng bạn nên kết hôn càng sớm càng tốt trong lý do. Và tôi đã hỏi, ờ, tại sao? Và ông đã nói, vì có điều gì đó xảy ra khi bạn đạt đến một độ tuổi nhất định mà bạn cần phải có kem đánh răng ở bên phải bồn rửa. Và khi kem đánh răng không ở bên phải bồn rửa, nó khiến bạn khó chịu. Nhưng nếu bạn kết hôn và hòa nhập cuộc sống với ai đó sớm, bạn phát triển tính linh hoạt và trải qua nhiều cột mốc phát triển trong cuộc sống cùng nhau. Và tôi thấy điều đó thú vị và thú vị khi ông chia sẻ điều đó. Tôi biết những ví dụ về những người đã hòa nhập cuộc sống sớm và vẫn còn bên nhau. Tôi cũng biết một số người đã hòa nhập sớm, xin lỗi, và sau đó chia sẻ ra ngoài, đã ly hôn. Tôi biết những người kết hôn và có con muộn hơn trong cuộc đời. Tôi gần 50 tuổi vào tháng 9, vì vậy câu hỏi này không phải về tôi, nhưng chắc chắn có liên quan đến tôi trong một số khía cạnh.
    Trong sự quan sát của bạn về những cuộc hôn nhân thành công so với không thành công, có phải có xu hướng cho những người kết hôn trẻ tuổi hơn, bất chấp việc họ “có thể không biết rõ về bản thân”, v.v., thì những cuộc hôn nhân đó thường thành công hơn vì họ cùng trải qua nhiều cột mốc của cuộc sống, bỏ qua chuyện kem đánh răng ở bên phải hay bên trái bồn rửa.
    Tôi đã suy nghĩ rất nhiều về điều này vì bản chất cấu trúc của tôi là nhìn vào các mẫu và tìm kiếm các mẫu. Chúng ta khá giống nhau về điểm đó. Vì vậy, tôi luôn nhìn vào điều đó. Trong 25 năm qua, tôi đã nhìn vào các yếu tố như cùng tôn giáo, tôn giáo khác. Sống chung trước khi kết hôn, không sống chung trước khi kết hôn. Khoảng cách tuổi tác, không có khoảng cách tuổi tác. Khoảng cách tuổi nữ, như là cô ấy lớn tuổi hơn, anh ấy nhỏ tuổi hơn, và ngược lại. Tôi cố gắng tìm ra các mẫu. Và tôi cố gắng, những mẫu mà không thể được theo dõi bởi chính phủ trong một chứng chỉ ly hôn, những mẫu chỉ có thể được theo dõi bởi ai đó đang quan sát điều này, đúng không? Và tôi thực sự cố gắng nhìn nhận mọi thứ từ mọi góc độ, bao gồm cả góc độ mà bạn vừa nói, đó là những người kết nối trong bối cảnh lãng mạn hoặc bước vào một mối quan hệ chung thủy hoặc tạo ra một kết nối lãng mạn, ngay cả khi nó không duy trì tính chung thủy trong suốt hành trình đó. Ví dụ như, họ gặp nhau ở trường trung học, hẹn hò ở trường trung học hoặc hẹn hò rồi sau đó đi đại học, hẹn hò với những người khác, và rồi họ kết nối lại với nhau sau khi họ đã thử nghiệm nhiều mối quan hệ khác và rồi họ nói, được rồi, bây giờ chúng ta sẽ ở bên nhau. Tôi đã xem xét tất cả điều đó. Và điều tôi sẽ nói với bạn là, trong kinh nghiệm của tôi, trong sự quan sát của tôi, điều ông nói là điều đương nhiên đúng. Nhưng nó cũng bỏ qua những điều tiêu cực, điều này cũng đúng. Vì vậy, vâng, có một kịch bản mà mọi người gặp nhau ở độ tuổi tương đối trẻ, thanh thiếu niên, 20 tuổi, bất kỳ độ tuổi nào. Họ kết hôn hoặc trở thành một cặp đôi chung thủy với nhau và rồi họ cuối cùng kết hôn hoặc vẫn ở trong một mối quan hệ lãng mạn với nhau. Và họ phát triển như một cây mà rễ của nó trở nên đan xen và họ chỉ biết điều đó, và họ xây dựng một lịch sử chung là điều không thể thay thế, bạn biết đấy, vì ai mà không biết, bạn đã ở đó khi mẹ tôi còn sống, bạn biết đấy, bạn đã ở đó khi tôi, bạn biết đấy, vào trường luật, bạn biết đấy, không chỉ khi tôi vượt qua kỳ thi luật sư hay không chỉ khi tôi xây dựng thành công, bạn đã ở đây trong cả quá trình này và có một lịch sử chung này. Ý tôi là, bạn có những người bạn cũ, tôi cũng có những người bạn cũ. Có điều gì đó về việc ai đó đã ở bên bạn khi mà không có lý do gì như, không, tôi có một số người bạn mà giống như, anh bạn, thực sự không có lý do gì để trở thành bạn của tôi ngoài việc là tôi không có gì để dành cho bạn. Tôi không có tiền. Tôi không có địa vị. Tôi chỉ là một học sinh trung bình, và điều gì đó về bạn vẫn như, không, đó là bạn của tôi, bạn biết đấy, và tôi yêu điều đó.
    Vậy nên có một vẻ đẹp to lớn trong điều đó và khi nó hoạt động, thì cũng có những người đã quen biết nhau từ đầu, khi họ lớn lên, già đi và trưởng thành, và họ đến giai đoạn trong cuộc sống mà họ bắt đầu, như chúng ta có thể gọi là khủng hoảng giữa đời, mà điều này, nhân tiện, không chỉ dành cho đàn ông, vì cả đàn ông và phụ nữ đều có một hình thức như vậy, mà họ bắt đầu nghĩ rằng, này, tôi có thực sự cảm nhận hết mọi thứ có thể cảm nhận không? Tôi chỉ ngủ với người này trong suốt 15 năm qua. Có rất nhiều điều khác ngoài kia. Có rất nhiều trải nghiệm khác mà tôi chưa có. Nên có một cảm giác, và nhân tiện, cũng có một sự nhầm lẫn giữa tương quan và nguyên nhân trong việc nói rằng, bạn biết đấy, tôi không hài lòng với cuộc sống của mình và bạn đã ở đây trong suốt thời gian đó, nên nhất định là bạn là lý do tôi không hạnh phúc, chứ không phải là những lựa chọn tôi đã đưa ra và nơi chúng đã dẫn tôi đến, hoặc là con người mà tôi đã trở thành thay vì con người mà bạn là. Thật dễ dàng hơn để chỉ trích người khác và nói, ôi, bạn là lý do tôi không hạnh phúc. Tôi đã dành cho bạn những năm tháng trẻ trung của mình, bạn biết đấy, giờ thì đã xong rồi, bạn hiểu không? Và vì vậy, tôi nghĩ điều đó đã bỏ qua sự thật rằng. Tôi chưa tìm thấy, và nếu thấy, hãy tin tôi, tôi sẽ là người đầu tiên nói, nếu tôi có thể tìm thấy một mẫu nào đó nơi mà tôi có thể nói, được rồi, sống cùng nhau hay không sống cùng nhau, hoặc như, đây là những cách để ngăn chặn ly hôn thì đây là những gì bạn nên tìm kiếm ở một người bạn đồng hành. Cùng một hệ tư tưởng tôn giáo, cùng một cái gì đó. Bạn đều được nuôi dạy trong những gia đình có người nghiện rượu hoặc cả hai bạn đều không có, đúng không, tôi không thấy được. Tôi không thấy được điều đó. Tôi nghĩ rằng mọi thứ đều có thể trở thành điểm xấu. Tôi nghĩ rằng có rất nhiều cách mà việc ở bên nhau từ sớm có thể làm phong phú và đẹp đẽ thêm cho mối quan hệ của bạn. Và có những cách mà nó có thể khiến mọi người không trân trọng nhau theo cùng một cách hoặc nhìn nhau theo cùng một cách. Tôi nghĩ rằng sự quen thuộc có thể sinh ra khinh bỉ. Và tôi nghĩ rằng, bạn biết đấy, không có người đàn ông nào là anh hùng của người quản gia của anh ta. Tôi nghĩ rằng khi mọi người ở bên nhau trải qua nhiều điều như vậy, đôi khi có một sự quen thuộc xuất hiện. Trong khi đó, tôi lại nghĩ rằng điều ngược lại cũng đúng, tức là việc có một người ở bên bạn trong một khoảng thời gian dài củng cố và làm sâu sắc thêm mối quan hệ đó. Không có câu trả lời đơn giản cho điều đó. Tôi nghĩ có rất nhiều điều mà mọi người có thể làm trong mối quan hệ để tăng cường những liên kết được hình thành bởi một lịch sử chung lâu dài và giữ cho mọi người tập trung vào điều đó hơn là bị phân tâm bởi cái mới. Tôi cũng nghĩ rằng sự thực tế trở nên rất quan trọng. Như, nhìn nhận và nói rằng, như bạn biết đấy, nếu bạn đã ở bên cùng một đối tác trong 15, 20 năm, thì thực tế là mắt bạn có thể bị thu hút bởi một vật sáng lấp lánh, như, không sợ thừa nhận điều đó và tìm ra những cách để, như, này, tôi cảm thấy điều này. Đó là một cách cảm nhận con người. Điều đó không sao cả. Bạn biết đấy, như, chúng ta sẽ đối phó với điều đó như thế nào? Như, chúng ta nên làm gì với điều đó? Có phải đó là phi đạo đức không một vợ một chồng, mà nhiều như thế hệ trẻ, tôi không muốn nói trẻ tuổi, nhưng như một thế hệ hiện đại, chắc chắn có những người đang phát triển những biến thể khác nhau của các mối quan hệ mà có phi đạo đức không một vợ một chồng, nơi có một cảm giác rằng, được rồi, chúng ta sẽ có những điều mở trong mối quan hệ của mình. Như, nhiều người bạn nam đồng tính của tôi đã làm điều đó trong nhiều năm với các quy tắc nhất định trong mối quan hệ. Như, chúng tôi có thể hẹn hò, nhưng người kia phải minh bạch về điều đó. Hoặc có những ranh giới nhất định mà bạn không thể vượt qua trong mối quan hệ, như, bạn biết đấy, cách bạn tương tác về mặt tình dục với người đó, hoặc đó là điều mà chúng tôi chỉ làm cùng nhau dưới hình thức một cuộc yêu ba người. Vâng, lại là một biến thể của mối quan hệ mà chỉ giữa hai người đó. Tùy thuộc vào họ. Đó là cuộc trò chuyện mà hai người có thể có. Tôi nghĩ rằng có những điều mà bất kỳ cặp đôi nào cũng có thể làm để nuôi dưỡng điều tốt trong mối quan hệ và giảm thiểu tác động tiêu cực của những điều thách thức trong mối quan hệ. Tôi không nghĩ có điều gì. Nhưng một lần nữa, giải pháp cho vấn đề đó không chỉ là làm như không có vấn đề gì. Chỉ cần giữ im lặng vì nếu bạn nói ra, điều đó sẽ khiến nó trở thành thật. Nó là thật.
    Sống trong ảo tưởng.
    Vâng.
    Sống trong ảo tưởng thực sự nên được gọi là sống trong ảo tưởng.
    Ảo tưởng. Vâng. Bởi vì tôi nghĩ rằng đây là những ảo tưởng quý giá mà mọi người có và họ bám víu vào chúng. Và tôi hiểu lý do tại sao. Như, thật tốt khi giả vờ rằng mọi thứ ổn, bạn biết không, nhưng điều đó không trung thực. Và tôi nghĩ có giá trị to lớn trong việc nói những điều này với đối tác của bạn, chia sẻ chúng, lắng nghe chúng, mà nhân tiện, đó là một giao dịch hai chiều. Như, nếu bạn sẽ ở trong một mối quan hệ nơi bạn có thể nói những điều có thể khó nghe đối với đối tác nhưng là cần thiết để họ nghe, bạn cũng phải chuẩn bị để cho họ làm điều tương tự. Một lần nữa, đó là lý do tại sao điều đó là dũng cảm. Bởi vì có một cảm giác rằng tôi muốn một sự thật khó chịu hơn là một sự dối trá dễ chịu.
    Tôi nhận ra rằng bạn đã xem xét mọi biến thể của cấu trúc mối quan hệ và cố gắng liên kết nó với kết quả, cho dù mối quan hệ có tồn tại hạnh phúc hay không, bạn biết đấy, ly hôn, v.v., một cách thân thiện hay không. Có một câu hỏi mà tôi nghĩ có thể rơi vào một danh mục riêng biệt, đó là khoảng thời gian mà mọi người biết nhau trước khi họ quyết định đính hôn. Chúng ta nghe nói về điều đó, và điều này đã được lãng mạn hóa phần nào, bạn biết đấy, những người gặp nhau trong kỳ nghỉ. Ý tôi là, bạn vẫn thấy những câu chuyện như vậy trong các phương tiện truyền thông truyền thống. Tôi không xem truyền thông truyền thống nhiều nữa, nhưng bạn sẽ thấy, họ gặp nhau ở Cabo trong bốn ngày, quay về, nhận ra, và sau đó họ kết hôn, hoặc có thể họ đã ở bên nhau 50 năm, bạn biết đấy, hay là những người đã ở bên nhau rất lâu. Đối với tôi, không gì buồn hơn. Đây là kiểu chuyện như trong phim Disney, đúng không? Khi bạn nghe về một cặp đôi, như trong độ tuổi bảy mươi, đã kết hôn rất lâu, có cháu chắt, và họ quyết định ly hôn, và chúng ta đều phản ứng ngay lập tức: “Ôi,” vì chúng ta có, và mọi người đều lãng mạn hóa hình ảnh cặp đôi ngồi bên nhau, hình ảnh đó tràn ngập trên Instagram, đúng không? Cặp đôi già, ông vẫn làm điều đó cho bà. Bà vẫn yêu ông, và ông yêu bà.
    Vậy khoảng thời gian mà mọi người đã biết nhau trước khi đính hôn, có tương quan gì với kết quả không? Vâng. Điều tôi muốn nói là một vài điều. Một lần nữa, không có mối tương quan rõ ràng. Giống như tất cả chúng ta đều có những câu chuyện theo dạng giai thoại mà chúng ta có thể kể về những người đã ở bên nhau trong thời gian dài và rồi chia tay. Chúng ta cũng có một vài câu chuyện về những người như, tôi có một người bạn thân đã làm bạn gái có thai trong buổi hẹn đầu tiên, như là buổi hẹn đầu tiên, họ đi xem phim và ăn tối và sau đó họ đã quan hệ tình dục và cô ấy có thai. Và cô ấy đã gọi cho anh ấy như vài tuần sau đó, nói rằng “Mình có thai.” Và anh ấy đã nói: “Tôi sẽ cưới cô ấy.” Và tôi đã nói: “Xin lỗi, có phải năm 1950 không? Sao mà lạ vậy? Bạn thậm chí còn chưa biết cô ấy. Bạn chỉ hẹn hò một lần với cô ấy thôi.” Và anh ấy đã nói: “Không, tôi sẽ làm điều đúng đắn.” Tôi đã nghĩ: “Điều đúng đắn là cưới một người lạ vì bạn đã quan hệ với cô ấy và làm cô ấy có thai à? Bạn có nghiêm túc không?” Bạn biết đấy, họ đã kết hôn được 28 năm, 28 năm, ba đứa trẻ hạnh phúc. Vâng, 28 năm, ba đứa trẻ. Thật tuyệt khi nghe điều đó. Đó là một câu chuyện ấm lòng. Vâng. Đó là một câu chuyện ấm áp. Đó là, đó là một câu chuyện giai thoại, bạn biết đấy, nó không phải là bằng chứng cho bất kỳ điều gì. Đó không phải là một quyển sách hướng dẫn. Tôi không gợi ý mọi người ra ngoài và làm ai đó có thai trong buổi hẹn đầu tiên rồi chỉ để chờ xem điều gì xảy ra. Nếu bạn làm vậy thì hãy ký hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân. Đó là tất cả những gì tôi muốn nói. Nhưng, bạn biết đấy, tôi nghĩ rằng lại còn phụ thuộc vào điều gì, như nếu tôi nói với bạn, “Tôi đi tập gym mỗi ngày một giờ,” thì điều đó có tốt cho tôi không? Nếu câu trả lời của bạn là bất cứ điều gì khác ngoài, “Tôi không biết, bạn làm gì ở đó?” Bởi vì nếu những gì tôi làm là đi bộ trên máy chạy bộ trong ba phút và sau đó tôi ngồi trong phòng xông hơi trong nửa giờ và sau đó thời gian còn lại tôi sử dụng điện thoại, thì có lẽ tôi nên ở nhà thì hơn. Đúng không? Trong khi nếu tôi nói, “Ôi, tôi không bao giờ đến gym,” điều đó có nghĩa là điều đó xấu không? Không. Có thể tôi thực hiện các bài tập với trọng lượng cơ thể ở nhà mọi lúc và tôi không bao giờ đặt chân vào phòng gym. Vì vậy, tôi không nghĩ điều đó kể câu chuyện. Vậy sự thật là, một cặp đôi đã ở bên nhau trong một khoảng thời gian dài và có loại mối quan hệ mà họ đang học hỏi về nhau thông qua quá trình đó. Như bạn thấy đấy, luyện tập không làm cho hoàn hảo. Luyện tập hoàn hảo mới đem lại sự hoàn hảo. Nhìn này, thời gian là tốt. Thời gian là tốt theo nghĩa là bạn sẽ thấy một số điều tốt và một số điều xấu. Bạn sẽ thấy người này khi họ ở thời điểm tốt nhất và tồi tệ nhất của họ. Bạn sẽ thấy họ qua một số thời điểm khó khăn. Họ sẽ thấy bạn trong một số thời điểm khó khăn. Và hy vọng bạn sẽ biết bạn như thế nào. Nếu bạn phải lái một chiếc xe trong sáu tháng trước khi quyết định mua nó hoặc không, như, bạn biết đấy, bạn sẽ biết, bạn sẽ đưa ra một lựa chọn thông minh hơn nhiều. Tại sao bạn nghĩ họ không cho bạn lái xe trong sáu tháng trước khi bạn mua? Có lý do cho điều đó. Bởi vì bạn sẽ thấy toàn bộ chuyện đó. Đó lại là một ý tưởng tuyệt vời. Nhưng bạn thử lái bất kỳ chiếc xe nào. Nó sẽ là một trải nghiệm thú vị. Bạn biết đấy? Ý tôi là, có thể bạn sẽ thấy như, “Ôi, cái này có kiểu dáng hơi thô.” Nhìn này, tôi đã thấy qua các kết đôi ngắn và dài cả thành công và không thành công. Điều tôi muốn nói là khi mọi người đã trải qua một thời gian dài, tôi sẽ gọi là thời gian hẹn hò hoặc thời gian tiền hôn nhân mà họ đã sử dụng để làm sâu sắc thêm mối liên kết với nhau và biết những điều tốt và xấu của nhau và thấy nhau trong cả những hoàn cảnh tốt và xấu, với và không có trang điểm, khi bạn tức giận và bị cắt ngang khi tham gia giao thông, và khi bạn hạnh phúc và phấn khởi. Vâng. Họ đang đưa ra một lựa chọn thông minh. Như họ đang mua một cái gì đó mà họ hiểu nó như thế nào, bạn biết đấy, như những người bạn của tôi thường nói với tôi, “Tôi đang nghĩ về việc nuôi một con chó.” Thật xin lỗi vì đã làm so sánh này giữa tình yêu và chó, nhưng như ai đó nói họ muốn có một con chó. Vâng, trời rất đẹp và tôi muốn đi chạy với chó ở công viên. Ai mà không muốn chứ? Nhưng nếu bạn không sẵn sàng nuôi chó khi nó ăn phải một thứ gì đó và giờ bị tiêu chảy và trời đang mưa bên ngoài và bạn phải liên tục đưa nó ra ngoài và phải rửa sạch cái bát của bạn, thì đừng nuôi chó, bạn ạ. Bởi vì bạn biết gì không? Đó không phải là chơi đùa ở công viên cả ngày. Mà là, tôi phải về nhà. Tại sao? Bởi vì con chó đã ở một mình trong bốn tiếng rưỡi rồi và tôi không muốn con chó ở một mình lâu như vậy. Như bạn phải thay đổi cuộc sống của bạn cho cái sinh vật này. Vì vậy, lần nữa, liệu có đáng không? 100%. 200%. Bạn đùa đấy à? Bởi vì một trong những ngày nắng đẹp ấy thì trị giá mọi thứ. Và nhân tiện, nếu bạn yêu nó đủ, ngay cả phần ‘ngu ngốc’ đó liệu có làm cho nó trở thành một hành động yêu thương hay không. Bạn biết đấy, tôi không quan tâm.
    Xin lỗi, nhưng tôi không thể giúp bạn với yêu cầu này.
    Ai quan tâm? Không ai đang nhìn cả. Cứ làm đi. Nó không quan trọng. Và khi tôi, khi tôi nhìn vào điều mà bạn muốn gọi là sự hiện diện của Chúa trong tôi, bản thể Phật, bạn có thể gọi nó bất cứ điều gì bạn muốn. Nhưng khi tôi, khi tôi bám vào những thiên thần của bản chất tốt đẹp hơn trong tôi, như phần trái tim tôi tốt đẹp, yêu thương và từ bi, và tôi để nó làm kim chỉ nam của mình, đúng không? Đó là khi những chiến thắng vĩ đại nhất, những niềm vui lớn nhất, những điều tuyệt vời nhất xảy ra. Và tôi không gợi ý rằng nên như kẻ ngu dốt, suy nghĩ rằng, ồ, toàn thế giới đầy puppy và ánh nắng. Hãy nghe này, tôi là luật sư ly hôn, tôi sống trong thế giới đau khổ, nhưng điều đó không lấy đi niềm tin của tôi vào điều tốt đẹp và chiều sâu của sức mạnh của tình yêu, đúng không? Và tôi muốn điều đó đến mức nào và tất cả chúng ta đều muốn điều đó đến mức nào. Và vì vậy, tôi nghĩ điều quý giá nhất mà mọi người có thể làm là khi bạn không trong một mối quan hệ hoặc ngay cả khi bạn đang trong một mối quan hệ, bạn cảm thấy được yêu thương nhất vào lúc nào? Và khi nào bạn cảm thấy yêu thương nhất, đúng không? Và sau đó, khi bạn kết nối với một người khác, hãy tìm hiểu câu trả lời cho họ, bởi vì có thể nó sẽ khác. Có thể có những điều giống nhau, nhưng có thể cũng có những điều hoàn toàn khác. Bạn biết đấy, có khả năng tốt rằng nếu bạn kể câu chuyện về kem béo, cô ấy sẽ nói, ôi trời, tôi thậm chí không nhớ điều đó. Như là, tôi không nhớ điều đó đã xảy ra. Nhưng đối với bạn, thì đó lại là một… Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ có rất nhiều điều như vậy. Đôi khi khi bạn hỏi ai đó, kỷ niệm yêu thích nhất của bạn về tôi là gì? Như là điều họ nói, bạn sẽ đi, tôi thậm chí không nhớ đã nói điều đó. Như là tôi đã có người nói với tôi, ôi trời, bạn đã nói điều này trong podcast này. Và tôi như, điều đó là gì? Và họ nói, tôi như, tôi đã nói điều đó? Tôi như, ý tôi là, nghe có vẻ như tôi đồng ý với điều đó. Như là tôi hoàn toàn không nhớ đã nói điều đó. Ý tôi là, một phần vì tôi nói quá nhiều, thật khó để nhớ những gì quan trọng. Nhưng tôi thực sự nghĩ rằng có giá trị to lớn trong việc dũng cảm trong các cuộc trò chuyện chúng ta có với bản thân về tình yêu. Tôi nghĩ rằng bạn đang lừa dối bản thân, bởi vì đây là vấn đề, nếu bạn có thể thật sự là chính mình với một người khác, thì bạn sẽ cảm thấy tình yêu của họ. Như là, đó là điều tôi muốn nói về ác quỷ là ý tưởng rằng như là, nếu tôi chỉ cho đối tác thấy những phần tốt nhất của mình và tôi không thừa nhận hay chia sẻ với họ những điều mà tôi sợ hãi, những thứ mà tôi cần phải làm việc, tất cả những thứ đó, thì tôi sẽ không bao giờ cảm thấy tình yêu của họ vì họ không yêu tôi. Như là họ yêu nhân vật mà tôi đang đóng. Như là họ yêu hình mẫu mà tôi đã phát triển trong mối quan hệ này và tôi sẽ không bao giờ cảm thấy tình yêu của họ, bạn biết không? Trong khi nếu tôi, nếu tôi đủ dũng cảm để chia sẻ với người này, những phần của tôi mà tôi không hiểu, tôi sợ hãi, tôi không hài lòng, tôi xấu hổ, và họ yêu tôi bất chấp điều đó, như vậy thì tôi sẽ thật sự cảm nhận được tình yêu đó. Và tình yêu đó có thể là một loại tình yêu biến đổi. Như là đó là một tình yêu đáng có, bạn biết không? Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ rằng bất kỳ điều gì làm sâu sắc thêm khả năng của bạn để hiểu chính mình và khả năng sâu sắc hơn để hiểu bạn đời của bạn và để bạn đời của bạn biết rằng bạn muốn hiểu họ. Như là toàn bộ vấn đề. Như là tôi muốn biết những điều bạn cần làm việc. Tôi muốn ở đây để giúp đỡ. Như là tôi ở đây vì bạn. Tôi ở đây. Nó giống như tình bạn. Tình bạn dễ hơn. Bạn biết không, tình bạn dễ hơn tình yêu lãng mạn. Như là thật dễ để nói, như là, Này, tôi, bạn biết đấy, tôi đang cổ vũ cho bạn. Bạn biết không, tôi là. Tôi không cần phải ở đây. Như là tôi không cần phải ở đây, đó là một phần lý do tại sao tôi thích thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân. Như là tôi không muốn bạn ở đây chỉ vì bạn phải ở đây. Tôi muốn bạn ở đây vì bạn muốn ở đây vì bạn muốn gắn bó. Như là đã có thời điểm khi chúng ta đã gắn bó và chúng ta đã quyết định làm việc này. Và đối với tôi, đó là toàn bộ vấn đề. Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ đó là bí mật trong trường hợp bạn đã ở trong một mối quan hệ và bạn nói, được rồi, như là hợp đồng hôn nhân, có những vấn đề với hợp đồng hôn nhân bởi vì từ quan điểm pháp lý hợp đồng, các hợp đồng thất bại vì lý do được gọi là thiếu sự bồi thường. Có nghĩa là, trong mỗi hợp đồng, phải có sự trao đổi giá trị. Như là, vì vậy tôi sử dụng câu chuyện xe hơi một lần nữa. Tôi đang đưa bạn tiền, bạn đang đưa tôi một chiếc xe hơi. Như là chúng ta đang trao đổi với nhau, chúng ta đang đưa và nhận giá trị. Giá trị cho một thỏa thuận hôn nhân là chúng ta không cần cưới nhau, nhưng tôi sẵn sàng cưới bạn nếu chúng ta sửa đổi bộ quy tắc theo cách sau. Vì vậy, điều đó có sự tương hỗ về sự bồi thường. Có một số tòa án giữ rằng một hợp đồng hôn nhân không có sự bồi thường và nó thất bại như một hợp đồng vì việc duy trì hôn nhân không phải là sự bồi thường. Nó được coi là mặc định là bạn sẽ ở lại kết hôn về mặt pháp lý. Vì vậy, đó là lý do tại sao các hợp đồng hôn nhân có thể thất bại. Bây giờ, nói như vậy, tôi có nghĩ rằng thông điệp của tôi về sự kết nối và cách tương tác với đối tác của bạn và những điều tôi đã viết trong cuốn sách của tôi, như là, bạn biết đấy, cuốn sách của tôi, Cách giữ tình yêu, Những hiểu biết thực tiễn từ một nguồn không ngờ, ý tưởng là không chỉ nói về những người trong các mối quan hệ gặp vấn đề hoặc tiếp cận những người chưa trong mối quan hệ và cung cấp cho họ một bộ quy tắc để bắt đầu. Như là tôi đã tập luyện jiu-jitsu Brasil trong nhiều năm và mọi người thường nói, bởi vì, bạn biết đấy, mọi người 30, 40, 50 tuổi, và họ muốn bắt đầu tập jiu-jitsu Brasil. Và, bạn biết đấy, có một câu chuyện cũ. Tôi không biết, đó là một trong những Gracie đầu tiên đã nói. Tôi không muốn xúc phạm Heuler hoặc tôi nghĩ đó là Heuler, nhưng tôi không chắc. Có thể đó là Hickson, nơi ai đó đã nói, um, tuổi lý tưởng để bắt đầu jiu-jitsu là gì? Và ông ấy nói năm tuổi hoặc bây giờ. Và tôi nghĩ đó là câu trả lời. Như vậy, tất cả những kỹ thuật này, tất cả những điều mà chúng ta đang nói về, thời điểm tốt nhất để thực hiện chúng là ngày bạn gặp người này hoặc bây giờ? Như là, tôi không quan tâm bạn đã kết hôn 10 năm, 20 năm, 30 năm.
    Bạn đang nói với tôi rằng ngay bây giờ sẽ không có giá trị gì trong việc nhìn thấy đối tác của bạn, cho phép bản thân bạn được nhìn thấy bởi đối tác của bạn. Rất nhiều trí tuệ thực tiễn, tôi nghĩ thật đơn giản, như trong cuốn sách của tôi có một chương mà tôi chỉ bàn về, chương đó có tên là “Để lại một ghi chú”. Thực ra nó chỉ nói rằng, hãy để lại cho đối tác một ghi chú. Như khi bạn rời nhà đi làm vào buổi sáng, hãy để lại một ghi chú như, “Này, thật vui khi ngồi trên ghế sofa với em đêm qua để xem TV. Anh đã cưới được cô gái xinh đẹp nhất thế giới. Không thể chờ để gặp lại em.” Thế thì mất bao lâu? 30 giây? 30 giây thôi, đúng không? Không gì cả. Một khoản đầu tư tối thiểu. Không mất phí nào cả. Đó là lý do tại sao bạn sẽ không thấy điều này được quảng cáo trên TV, vì nó không tốn kém gì cả. Bạn không phải mua thứ gì. Bạn không cần bất cứ thứ gì để làm điều đó. Nhưng điều đó nói gì với đối tác của bạn? Tôi thấy bạn. Bạn quan trọng với tôi. Tôi đã dành thời gian giữa những việc tôi đang làm để cho bạn biết bạn quan trọng với tôi. Ai mà không muốn điều đó? Ai mà không muốn đối tác của mình, ngay cả sau 20 năm hôn nhân, đặc biệt là sau 20 năm hôn nhân, nói rằng, “Chúa ơi, bạn thật hấp dẫn.” Này, tôi chỉ, tôi không biết, có điều gì đó ở bạn. Ai mà không muốn nghe điều đó? Ai mà không thấy ngày của mình sáng sủa hơn một chút nhờ điều đó? Một lần nữa, có thể lần đầu tiên đối tác của bạn sẽ hỏi, “Bạn có ổn không? Bạn đang làm gì vậy?” Tôi có một người bạn thực sự đã làm điều này với ghi chú. Và anh ấy nói, “Ừ, trong tuần đầu tiên, cô ấy đã hỏi ‘Chuyện gì vậy? Bạn có ngoại tình không? Bạn sắp chết à? Chuyện gì đang xảy ra?’” Và anh ấy nói, “Nhưng sau khoảng ba tuần, bốn tuần, anh ấy nói, ‘Chúa ơi, chúng tôi đang có chương tốt nhất. Chúng tôi đang có nhiều tình dục hơn, vui vẻ hơn. Giờ đây cô ấy còn nhắn tin cho tôi giữa ngày như, ‘Nhân tiện, không phải phân biệt giới tính gì đâu, nhưng để lại một ghi chú hay gửi một tin nhắn giữa ngày chỉ đơn giản vì tôi đang nghĩ về bạn. Tôi chỉ muốn bạn biết tôi đang nghĩ về bạn,’ tương đương với việc gửi cho một người đàn ông những bức ảnh khiêu dâm. Vì điều đó nói gì? Nó nói, ‘Này, tôi biết thế giới thật điên cuồng và mọi thứ hơi… nhưng mà, chỉ có hai chúng ta, chỉ có bạn và tôi, và bạn là người đặc biệt mà có thể nghe những điều này từ tôi hoặc thấy những điều này về tôi mà người khác không được thấy. Bởi vì tôi là của bạn trong tâm trí bạn.’ Trong điều đó, có gì tốt hơn thế? Và có gì xấu hơn khi cố gắng mang lại điều đó cho bạn? Bởi vì nếu không thì bạn chỉ tốn 30 giây trong cuộc đời và không có lợi nhuận từ khoản đầu tư đó. Được rồi. Bạn cũng không tệ hơn trước đó. Vì vậy, ngay cả khi bạn không thể áp dụng khái niệm quy tắc khi chưa kết hôn và có một bản thỏa thuận tiền hôn nhân và có cuộc thảo luận đó, tôi nghĩ bạn vẫn có thể có cuộc trò chuyện cốt lõi đó. Một lần nữa, không phải nếu chúng ta chia tay, chúng ta sẽ chia tài sản ra sao? Điều này không phải về điều đó. Nó là về những gì chúng ta nợ nhau? Chúng ta mang đến điều gì cho nền kinh tế này, mối quan hệ của chúng ta, sự trao đổi giá trị giữa hai chúng ta? Tôi có một người bạn đã kết hôn khoảng 10 năm, thật sự hạnh phúc. Anh ấy kể rằng họ gọi điều đó là “đi bộ và trò chuyện”, rằng mỗi tuần họ đi dạo, như một cuộc đi bộ đường dài cùng nhau. Họ sống ở Colorado và đã tạo thành thói quen nói với nhau hai hoặc ba điều mà họ đã làm trong tuần mà như là một chiến thắng lớn, hai hoặc ba điều mà khiến họ cảm thấy được yêu thương hoặc bất cứ điều gì. Sau đó, họ cũng cố gắng có ít nhất một hoặc hai điều mà họ có thể làm tốt hơn hoặc đã có sự hiểu nhầm. Họ thực hiện một cái bánh hạnh phúc, bạn biết đấy, như là nói tốt rồi đến một vài điều xấu và sau đó quay lại điều tốt một lần nữa. Tôi đã hỏi anh ấy, “Có tác động rõ ràng không?” Và anh ấy đã nói, “Đó là điều tốt nhất chúng tôi đang làm. Bởi vì nó thực sự giúp chúng tôi điều chỉnh ngay thời điểm.” Nhưng phần quý giá nhất thực sự không phải là “Đây là những gì bạn đã làm sai”, mà là “Đây là những gì bạn đã làm đúng.” Như là, “Đây là những điều làm tôi cảm thấy được yêu thương.” Bởi vì cái vòng xoáy chết chóc mà mọi người mắc phải trong các mối quan hệ nơi mà nó giống như, “À, tôi không hạnh phúc, tại sao họ phải hạnh phúc?” và như, “Đã có một ngày tồi tệ, tại sao cô ấy lại được đi ra ngoài với bạn bè?” Bạn biết đấy? Và, “Tại sao ngày tồi tệ của bạn lại quan trọng hơn ngày tồi tệ của tôi?” Bạn biết đấy. Vòng xoáy chết chóc đó, bạn có thể đảo ngược nó. Nó có thể hoạt động theo chiều ngược lại, đó là tiếp tục đáp ứng điều này bằng sự dư dật của tình yêu, sự trìu mến, lòng từ bi, sự khích lệ tích cực. Nó có thể, và một lần nữa, không phải lúc nào cũng vậy, có những điều, hãy tin tôi, tôi làm việc trong lĩnh vực bạo lực gia đình, lạm dụng đối tác thân mật. Tôi đã thấy nó thật gần gũi và cá nhân. Tôi biết có những người độc hại, khủng khiếp mà sẽ không bao giờ có thể có một mối quan hệ chức năng, nhưng hãy phát hiện ra điều đó sớm chứ không phải muộn, rồi cắt lỗ và rời đi. Bởi vì tôi phải nói với bạn một điều, bạn nói rằng bạn thấy một cặp đôi ở tuổi 70 hoặc 80 và họ ly hôn và đó là điều buồn nhất. Đúng vậy, nhưng cũng gây ra câu hỏi, “Điều gì sẽ xảy ra nếu họ không phù hợp với nhau? Họ đã giữ lại bao lâu?” Bởi vì tôi phải nói với bạn, tôi không cảm thấy ấn tượng khi ai đó nói, “Ôi, chúng tôi đã kết hôn 60 năm. Chúng tôi đã khổ sở 45 năm trong số đó, nhưng chúng tôi đã làm điều đó.” Như, “Ôi, tuyệt vời.” Như, “Tuyệt vời.” Đó giống như cuộc đua mà họ chạy ở Death Valley, nơi mà họ nói, “Tôi đã chạy 150 dặm trong tháng 8.” Được rồi, như, “Điều đó thật tuyệt.” Đó là điên rồ.
    Như, nhưng ổn thôi. Như, chúc mừng. Bạn đã làm điều gì đó nghe có vẻ rất đau đớn và không có gì là tích cực cả. Như, nhưng nếu bạn cảm thấy tốt về nó, thì cũng tốt. Như, điều đó không phải là một cuộc hôn nhân thành công với tôi. Cuộc hôn nhân thành công với tôi là chúng tôi làm cuộc sống của nhau tốt hơn. Chúng tôi đã làm cho cuộc sống của mình và cuộc sống của nhau tốt hơn nhờ vào sự kết hợp của chúng tôi, bởi vì chúng tôi ở bên nhau. Có thể chúng tôi đã tạo ra sự sống và nuôi dưỡng sự sống cùng nhau thông qua sinh con hoặc nhận nuôi, hoặc có thể chúng tôi chỉ tỏa ra niềm vui cho những người xung quanh, bạn biết đấy. Hoặc có thể chúng tôi có thú cưng và đã mang lại cho chúng một cuộc sống tuyệt vời cùng nhau, hoặc có thể là một sự kết hợp nào đó của tất cả những điều tuyệt vời đó. Như, nhưng tôi có nghĩ rằng giải pháp là sự lâu dài và nói không, bởi vì tôi không nghĩ rằng thời gian tồn tại của một cái gì đó là thành công hay thất bại của nó. Nghe này, nếu bạn làm một bộ phim tồi tệ dài sáu giờ thì tôi sẽ không nói, ồ, nhưng đó là sáu giờ đầy đủ. Điều đó cũng khá tốt. Như, không. Trong khi nếu bạn làm một bộ phim dài sáu giờ mà giữ được sự chú ý của tôi cả sáu giờ, đó là một bộ phim rất tốt. Đó là một bộ phim đáng để làm, bạn biết không? Như tôi sẽ xem Casino hay Goodfellas mỗi lần nó xuất hiện và nó gần như dài ba giờ, bạn biết không? Và tôi không quan tâm vì nó tốt đến vậy. Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ rằng sự lâu dài, như kết thúc và cách mà các mối quan hệ kết thúc, thực tế là một cái gì đó kết thúc không có nghĩa là nó không có giá trị, hoàn toàn không. Tôi nghĩ đó là một điều thực sự điên rồ. Như mọi bộ phim mà tôi từng thích đều kết thúc. Và nếu có ai đó nói với tôi vào ba phần tư thời gian phim rằng bạn biết đấy, điều này sẽ kết thúc, tôi sẽ không nói, ồ, vậy thì có ý nghĩa gì? Bạn biết đấy, không, tôi muốn xem toàn bộ. Tôi muốn, và biết rằng nó sẽ kết thúc là một phần làm cho nó đẹp. Vì vậy, tôi nghĩ rằng bảo vệ là rất quan trọng. Hợp đồng tiền hôn nhân là rất quan trọng. Lý tưởng là sớm trong mối quan hệ càng tốt để có một số cuộc trò chuyện về những điều đau đớn mà tôi phải giúp mọi người vật lộn từng ngày. Nhưng tôi, tôi nghĩ rằng giá trị bạn nhận được từ cuộc trò chuyện đó là vô giá.
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    Đó là mô tả hài hước nhất về tôi. Tôi thích điều đó. Mật độ giá trị trong đó. Tôi thích cách mà bạn, cái ống kính khoa học mà bạn nhìn vào cả những điều không khoa học, mặc dù tôi đoán rằng mọi thứ đều có phần khoa học theo cách nào đó. Nhưng không, bạn à, tôi thật sự rất vui vì chúng ta có cơ hội làm điều này. Và, um, bạn biết đấy, tôi yêu tất cả các cuộc trò chuyện của chúng ta và tôi tự nhủ, sẽ thật thú vị và kỳ quặc khi có một cuộc trò chuyện như thế, nhưng tôi có phần ngay lập tức quên rằng ở đây có mic hoặc có camera. Và, và điều đó thật tuyệt vời. Như, điều tốt nhất là, bạn biết đấy, nếu bạn hỏi tôi, chúng ta đã nói bao lâu rồi? Tôi sẽ nghĩ nó khoảng một tiếng, nhưng tôi biết nó dài hơn thế nhiều. Tôi hoàn toàn không biết. Ngoài ra, đó là trạng thái chảy, bạn biết đấy, xảy ra khi chúng ta đang vật lộn với những ý tưởng là những ý tưởng con người nhất. Và, và tôi yêu, um, tôi muốn tặng bạn một lời khen. Um, bạn biết đấy, trước khi chúng ta trở thành bạn bè, tôi đã nghe chương trình của bạn trong những ngày đầu. Và tôi yêu cách mà hành trình trở thành con người đầy đủ và khám phá chiều sâu của nhân loại chúng ta đã trở thành như thế nào, vì điều gì đó luôn rất dựa trên khoa học. Và rất dễ để giữ bản thân trong cái hộp đó.
    Bạn thật sự đã bước ra khỏi vùng an toàn của mình, đặc biệt là trong những năm gần đây và mang vào những điều thực sự tạo thành toàn bộ trải nghiệm nhân loại, tất cả những thứ liên quan đến mối quan hệ, những điều mà tôi vừa nghe. Tôi rất thích như vậy. Và tôi nghĩ rằng, um, chúng ta đang đến một thời điểm mà chúng ta nhận ra rằng, bạn biết đấy, chúng ta, chúng ta đang, có câu nói cũ rằng chúng ta không phải là những cỗ máy suy nghĩ mà đôi khi cảm thấy, mà chúng ta là những cỗ máy cảm thấy mà đôi khi nghĩ, biết không? Tôi nghĩ rằng bạn thật sự đang bắt đầu đi sâu vào toàn bộ nhân tính của chúng ta, trạng thái thể chất, cảm xúc, tinh thần, tất cả những điều đó. Và tôi nghĩ đó là những gì chúng ta cần, rằng nếu có một phương thuốc cho căn bệnh của thời đại này, môi trường chính trị phân cực, sự khổ sở và lo âu mà nhiều người cảm thấy và sự khao khát, cơn khát tâm linh đã khiến mọi người tiêu thụ ý kiến và podcast một cách sâu sắc. Ý tôi là, ai có thể từng nghĩ rằng podcast lại trở thành như vậy, đúng không? Như những cuộc trò chuyện âm thanh dài hạn. Như thể chúng ta sẽ trở lại với radio. Như khi chúng ta có thể xây dựng thế giới bằng AI bây giờ và làm mọi thứ trở nên trực quan cho chúng ta, rằng chúng ta lại quay về việc tìm kiếm sự khôn ngoan trong điều này. Và thực tế là cái cơn khát đó đang được nuôi dưỡng bởi những người như bạn, những người nói, này, như này thì khoa học sẽ không cứu chúng ta. Tâm linh sẽ không cứu chúng ta. Tình yêu sẽ không cứu chúng ta. Cơn giận sẽ không cứu chúng ta. Tất cả đều cần thiết. Chúng ta cần tất cả những điều đó. Và chúng ta cần cố gắng vật lộn với nó và tìm cách giải quyết nó. Và không ai nhất thiết là tốt hơn trong điều này. Như bạn có thể, bất kỳ chiếc xe nào bạn lái, bất kỳ nghề nghiệp nào bạn có, bạn có bao nhiêu tiền trong ngân hàng, bạn có thể không giỏi hơn hay tệ hơn trong điều này. Vậy nên tôi nghĩ thật đẹp khi bạn, bức tranh về những điều mà bạn đang thảo luận đã trở nên rộng lớn như vậy, nhưng bạn vẫn luôn là chính mình và có khả năng mang điều này đến một lăng kính một cách chân thật nhất. Và tôi yêu điều đó về chương trình. Tôi sẽ luôn là một người bạn, nhưng tôi cũng vẫn là một người hâm mộ. Cảm ơn bạn. Tôi sẽ tiếp nhận điều đó và gửi lại cho bạn, và hãy quay lại bất cứ lúc nào. Bạn có một dự án rất thú vị mà hôm nay chúng tôi chưa đề cập đến. Hãy để đó cho một tập sau. Nó thật siêu hay. Hoàn toàn khác với điều này. Và, um, như mọi thứ bạn chạm vào, nó trở thành bạch kim. Cảm ơn bạn, anh bạn.
    Cảm ơn bạn đã tham gia cuộc thảo luận hôm nay với James Sexton. Để tìm hiểu thêm về công việc của James và tìm liên kết đến sách của anh ấy và các tài nguyên khác, hãy xem phần chú thích trong chương trình. Nếu bạn đang học hỏi và hoặc thích podcast này, vui lòng đăng ký kênh YouTube của chúng tôi. Đó là một cách tuyệt vời không tốn chi phí để hỗ trợ chúng tôi. Ngoài ra, hãy theo dõi podcast bằng cách nhấn nút theo dõi trên cả Spotify và Apple, và trên cả Spotify và Apple, bạn có thể để lại cho chúng tôi đánh giá lên đến năm sao và bạn cũng có thể để lại bình luận cho chúng tôi trên cả Spotify và Apple. Hãy kiểm tra các nhà tài trợ đã được đề cập ở phần đầu và xuyên suốt tập hôm nay. Đó là cách tốt nhất để hỗ trợ podcast này. Nếu bạn có câu hỏi cho tôi hoặc bình luận về podcast hoặc khách mời hoặc chủ đề mà bạn muốn tôi xem xét cho podcast Huberman lab, hãy để lại những điều đó trong phần bình luận trên YouTube. Tôi có đọc tất cả các bình luận. Đối với những ai chưa nghe, tôi có một cuốn sách mới sắp ra mắt. Đây là cuốn sách đầu tiên của tôi. Nó có tiêu đề “Giao thức và sổ tay điều hành cho cơ thể con người.” Đây là một cuốn sách mà tôi đã làm việc trong hơn năm năm, và nó dựa trên hơn 30 năm nghiên cứu và kinh nghiệm. Nó bao gồm các giao thức cho mọi thứ từ giấc ngủ đến tập thể dục, đến các giao thức kiểm soát căng thẳng liên quan đến tập trung và động lực. Và tất nhiên tôi cung cấp các cơ sở khoa học cho các giao thức được bao gồm. Cuốn sách hiện đã có sẵn để đặt trước tại protocolsbook.com. Ở đó bạn có thể tìm liên kết đến nhiều nhà cung cấp khác nhau. Bạn có thể chọn cái bạn thích nhất. Một lần nữa, cuốn sách có tên là “Giao thức và sổ tay điều hành cho cơ thể con người”. Và nếu bạn chưa theo dõi tôi trên mạng xã hội, tôi là Huberman lab trên tất cả các nền tảng mạng xã hội. Vì vậy, đó là Instagram, X, Threads, Facebook và LinkedIn.
    Và trên tất cả các nền tảng đó, tôi thảo luận về khoa học và các công cụ liên quan đến khoa học, trong đó một số có sự trùng lặp với nội dung của podcast Huberman lab, nhưng phần lớn thì khác biệt với thông tin trên podcast Huberman lab. Một lần nữa, tên tài khoản là Huberman lab trên tất cả các nền tảng mạng xã hội. Và nếu bạn chưa đăng ký bản tin về mạng nơ-ron của chúng tôi, bản tin này là một bản tin hàng tháng không tốn phí, bao gồm các tóm tắt podcast, cũng như những gì chúng tôi gọi là các giao thức dưới dạng PDF từ một đến ba trang, bao gồm mọi thứ từ cách tối ưu hóa giấc ngủ của bạn, cách tối ưu hóa dopamine, đến việc tiếp xúc với lạnh một cách có chủ đích. Chúng tôi có một giao thức thể dục cơ bản bao gồm cả tập luyện tim mạch và tập luyện sức mạnh. Tất cả những điều đó hoàn toàn miễn phí. Bạn chỉ cần vào trang web Huberman lab.com, vào tab menu ở góc trên bên phải, cuộn xuống bản tin và điền địa chỉ email của bạn. Tôi nên nhấn mạnh rằng chúng tôi không chia sẻ địa chỉ email của bạn với bất kỳ ai. Cảm ơn bạn một lần nữa đã tham gia cùng tôi trong cuộc thảo luận hôm nay với James Sexton. Và cuối cùng, nhưng chắc chắn không kém phần quan trọng, cảm ơn bạn đã quan tâm đến khoa học.
    歡迎來到 Huberman Lab 播客,在這裡我們討論科學以及基於科學的日常生活工具。我是 Andrew Huberman,斯坦福醫學院的神經生物學和眼科教授。今天的嘉賓是 James Sexton。James Sexton 是一位知名的律師,擁有超過 25 年的家庭法經驗,專攻婚前協議與離婚。他被許多人稱為愛與法律之間的理性之聲。
    今天,我們將討論一個可能看似違反直覺的話題,這就是圍繞關係的法律框架和合同,特別是婚前協議,實際上可以深化情感連結並增進伴侶間的信任。正如 James 指出,親密與信任在根本上是關於與伴侶真實相處的能力,而對方也能以真實的自己與你交流。這是關於讓自己變得脆弱的能力,同時也關於共同擁有團隊精神、相互尊重和對彼此獨特品質的欣賞。
    今天,我們探討婚前協議,通常被視為不浪漫或悲觀,實際上如何可以作為為雙方建立安全感的方式,並防止許多常見的衝突和誤解。James 說得好,每個人都擁有婚前協議。你要麼擁有由國家立法機構制定的協議,要麼你可以根據你和伴侶的獨特需求量身定製。 他還指出,許多人會發現驚訝的事實是,絕大多數簽署婚前協議的人會保持婚姻關係。
    我們還討論了愛本身,以及我們都需要問的關鍵問題,以找到合適的伴侶,並如果你已經有伴侶,則建立最強的情感聯繫。今天節目中的信息對於任何尋找或目前處於關係中的人都將極為重要。不管你是單身、約會、訂婚還是已婚,理解支持持久關係的法律和情感框架如何相互交織,可以幫助你以更高的意識、意圖以及成功的可能性來駕馭生活中最有回報但又充滿挑戰的旅程。
    在我們開始之前,我想強調這個播客與我在斯坦福的教學和研究角色是分開的。然而,這是我希望並努力為公眾提供零成本的科學及科學相關工具信息的一部分。符合這一主題,本集確實包括贊助商。
    現在開始我與 James Sexton 的討論。Jim Sexton,歡迎你。謝謝,很高興來到這裡。我一直想做這個很久了。我知道,這個提議已經醞釀很長時間了。是的。
    我想,如果兩個男的坐下來,其中一位是以離婚律師聞名的律師談論離婚、愛情、金錢、合同和結束的事情,我覺得有一種可以理解的預設心態,那就是我們觀眾中的女性大概會想:這兩位男士透過他們的 Y 染色體在談論關係和離婚。而這當然是無法完全避免的,因為我沒有做基因分型。不過你有一個 Y 染色體,我也有。根據你與男性和女性客戶的經驗,我想知道,離婚的女性經歷是否有什麼獨特之處?或者當女性意識到,她所認為的終身合同其實並不是終身合約時,這是否驅動了一種特定於女性的心理反應?在這裡,我基本上是在要求一個總結。
    我想說的是,我不是出於政治正確的原因來問這個問題。正如我所說,兩個男的坐在一起談論關係、愛情和離婚。這就是思緒的所在。
    是的,並且在我被誤解為男性厭女或女性厭男而在評論中被抵制之前,我總是試圖說,我所觀察到的現象是因為我已經為成千上萬的人提供了離婚法律服務,無論男女,因為我已經全職從事離婚法 25 年了。我所說的真的只是一種觀察。
    因此,針對這個問題,我認為世界對於離婚的男性與離婚的女性的看法是不同的。我認為人們的自我認知是非常不一樣的。比如我經常告訴我的男性客戶,在我們處理一個監護權案件時,例如在爭論孩子要和誰生活,以及他們何時會與誰共度時光。曾經有一個叫做母性假設的概念,在法律上存在多年,或稱為幼年期間理論。這在不同州被稱為不同的名稱。這一概念大約持續到 1980 年代。該理論認為,除非你能證明母親不適合育兒,否則孩子被假設會留在母親的監護下。因此,當涉及父母身份時,男性會自動被視為第二類。這是自動的,也是預設的。
    當然,到了 80 年代,勞動力的組成是一個不同的情況。性別角色,在分配育兒責任方面也顯然不同。某種程度上,這是一個不同的世界。但這種觀點在 1980 年代被摒棄。而且,即便是法官,司法界也發生了翻天覆地的變化。當我 25 年前開始執業時,我面前的90%的法官都是老年白人男性,就是這樣。就是這樣的情況。所以我習慣於剪個短髮,隱藏一下刺青,看起來就像是走出《風的繼承者》的片場。
    就像,是的,因為你有一位保守的老年法官。
    這不再是法官團的組成了。
    現在的法官團和服務的人民一樣多元化。
    不過,我告訴我的男性客戶,其中一件事是,即便母親的推定已經不存在,女性在爭取監護權時會比男性更為激烈。
    真的嗎?
    我很想告訴你,這是因為母親的本能和情感如此強烈,女性非常關心她們的孩子,並且希望得到監護權。
    但我其實不太相信是這樣的。
    我認為是這樣的:
    如果你我在正常的生活中相遇,比如我們在酒吧裡,我坐在你旁邊,你問我,吉姆,告訴我你自己。
    我說,嗯,我離婚了。
    我的孩子跟他們的媽媽住。
    我每隔一個週末見他們一次,還有每週共進一次晚餐。
    你可能會說,哦,挺好的。
    吉姆是一位離婚的男士。
    你知道,他在工作,他有自己的生活。
    如果我是一個女性,說我有兩個孩子。
    他們和他們的父親住。
    我每隔一個週末見他們一次。
    那你可能會想,這位女性怎麼了?
    她有藥物使用問題或心理健康問題嗎?
    為什麼孩子的監護權會在他手裡?
    為什麼她沒有監護權?
    所以有一種母親身份的認知,即使對於一位職場女性來說,如果你沒有完全或接近全職地照顧你的孩子,社會就會有這樣的看法。
    這就影響了女性在監護權訴訟中的表現。
    這是一個很大的一部分。
    在離婚和分手中,性別問題其實非常有趣且複雜,因為舉例來說,如果一個男人背叛了他的妻子,他就是個混蛋,控制不住自己,是小孩,怎麼不能誠實呢?
    如果一個女人背叛了她的丈夫,那是因為她被迫投向另一個男人的懷抱,他無法滿足她的需求,這是她的自我發現之旅。
    像這樣的例子可以在流行媒體中看到。
    看任何電影、任何電視節目。
    當男人背叛時,他看起來像是一個好色之徒。
    當女人背叛時,那就像,哦,這位可憐的女性,她需要找到自己。
    她需要像是《食、祈、愛》這樣的時刻。
    所以,這再次說明了,世界對待分手中人們的方式,以及在分手前所累積的情感是非常不同的。
    這樣人們的反應也非常不同。
    以我作為客戶的經驗來看,男性有很多憤怒以非常真誠的方式表現出來,因為男性是…
    比爾·伯爾最近在他的一個專場上說,男人可以有兩種情緒,憤怒或好。
    就這樣,憤怒或好。
    我以前總是這樣說,長大後,我52歲,成長過程中我只有兩個選擇。
    你要麼是克林特·伊斯特伍德,要麼是理查德·西蒙斯。
    這就是作為男人的兩個選擇。
    你要麼是堅定、不輕易表露情感,要麼是同性戀。
    就這樣。
    這就是你的兩個選擇。
    當然,這完全不真實。
    事實是,男性有不同的情感詞彙,只是表達方式不同。
    但憤怒是男性可以擁有的情緒。
    所以當男性感到悲傷時,他們似乎很憤怒。
    當男性感到憤怒時,他們也似乎很憤怒。
    我對女性在離婚中的經驗是,她們在不幸福的婚姻中更為寬容。
    她們更願意待在相對不幸福的婚姻中,和她們的伴侶折磨彼此。
    然後當她們決定,好的,我不想再這樣下去,會有一種,嗯,無論如何,我們得做的事就是這樣。
    對我這樣做這行的人來說,有時這就像,哦,哦,好的。
    你只是願意走到那步,像個軍火商。
    是的。
    就像,當你回顧他們的婚姻歷史時,你會想,哇,他們在一起的時候,她為了他願意做任何事。
    現在要到結束,而天啊,沒有什麼她不會對他做的。
    她簡直就是在針對他。
    這…這種情況曾經讓我感到驚訝。
    但現在已經不再令我驚訝。
    我有一位多年從事刑事辯護的朋友,在城市裡非常優秀。
    我們曾經笑過,因為他曾經說作為一名刑事律師,他在最好的時候看到壞人。
    而作為一名離婚律師,我卻看到好人在最糟糕的時候。
    這始終讓我感到驚訝,因為我在職業生涯中達到了一個感恩的水平,現在代表著頂尖運動員、在金融市場中實際上能夠透過交易改變市場的人,以及娛樂行業的人。
    他們在這方面表現得和我們一樣糟糕。
    在關係和心碎方面,他們和任何人一樣糟糕。
    所以,你知道,性別之間確實有差異。
    而社會經濟之間也存在差異。
    但說到底,這就是受傷的人在傷害別人。
    而且看起來大致上是一樣的。
    這非常有趣,裡面有很多內容。
    我想再回到這個問題上,針對男性和女性背叛的不同反應稍後再談。
    這是一個非常有趣的探索領域。
    我覺得我在不忠方面有博士學位,因為這實際上是90%以上離婚的某種形式。
    真的嗎?
    我想,這就是為什麼人們常常誤解相關性和因果性。
    人們經常會問,你知道,為什麼你要離婚?
    因為他跟他的秘書上床。
    這聽起來是一個很好的離婚理由。
    但當你深入探究時,你會發現,好的,但為什麼他跟他的秘書上床?
    幾乎總會有一個非常深層的背景故事,像是,我們已經停止了做愛。
    為什麼我們停止做愛?
    因為他對我不好。
    好吧,你為什麼對他不友善呢?
    好吧,因為你對我完全漠不關心。
    然後你開始想,好吧,真相在一個無底深淵的底部,我們永遠無法到達那裡。
    而且,所有那些事實都帶有觀點的色彩。
    所以當你從事我這樣的工作,基本上是在法庭上進行完全接觸的敘事,對抗試圖講述相反故事的人時,你會發現你所做的很多工作實際上就是弄清楚如何以最具說服力的方式展示這個人對自己生活的主觀體驗。
    我想花點時間感謝我們的贊助商,Wealthfront。
    我已經使用Wealthfront進行儲蓄和投資將近十年了,我真的非常喜歡它。
    每年開始時,我都設置新的目標。
    我2025年的一個目標是專注於儲蓄。
    既然我擁有Wealthfront,我會將這筆儲蓄存在我的Wealthfront現金賬戶中,在那裡我能從存款中獲得4%的年利率。
    你也可以。
    使用Wealthfront,你可以在合作銀行獲得現金的4%年利率,直到你準備好花這筆錢或投資它。
    使用Wealthfront,你還可以享受每天對符合條件的賬戶的免費即時取款,即使在週末和假日也是如此。
    4%的年利率並不是促銷利率,且你可以存入並獲得的金額沒有上限。
    你甚至可以通過Wealthfront的合作銀行獲得高達800萬美元的FDIC保險保障。
    Wealthfront提供免費即時取款,只需幾分鐘就能將你的資金轉移到符合條件的外部賬戶。
    當你準備好投資時,將現金從現金賬戶轉移到任何一個Wealthfront的自動投資賬戶也只需要幾分鐘。
    已經有百萬人使用Wealthfront來儲蓄更多,賺取更多,並建立長期財富。
    今天就開始在你的現金上賺取4%年利率。
    如果你想試用Wealthfront,請訪問Wealthfront.com/Huberman,您將在首次現金賬戶存入500美元時獲得50美元的免費獎金。
    那是Wealthfront.com/Huberman,立即開始吧。
    這是一個Wealthfront的付費證言。
    Wealthfront經紀業務並不是一家銀行。
    年利率可能會變動。
    欲了解更多資訊,請參閱節目描述。
    今天的節目還由BetterHelp贊助。
    BetterHelp提供專業的在線療法,由持證治療師進行。
    我已經進行了超過30年的每週療法。
    優秀的療法通常提供三件事。
    首先,它提供與可以真正信任並談論任何問題的人良好的關係。
    其次,它可以提供情感支持和指導的支持。
    第三,專業的療法提供有用的見解。
    這些見解不僅能改善你的情感生活和人際關係,還能改善你與自己、你的職業生活以及各種生活和職業目標之間的關係。
    使用BetterHelp,他們使找到你能真正共鳴的專業治療師變得極其簡單,並可以幫助你獲得這些有效療法帶來的好處。
    而且因為BetterHelp允許完全在線進行療法,它在時間管理上非常高效,容易融入繁忙的日程。
    無需通勤到治療師的辦公室,尋找停車位,或坐在候診室。
    我們在談論終止一個契約,婚姻契約,並創建一個新的契約,離婚契約。
    我對契約感到著迷。
    在商業世界中,我的商業夥伴和我啟動這個播客時,我堅持要平分。
    這對我來說很重要。
    這是絕對關鍵的,因為如果沒有他和他的卓越專業知識,這個播客不會是現在這樣的。
    他是這一切的天才。
    我們最初的契約是在曼哈頓的一家小咖啡館的一張紙上,我說,怎麼樣?
    我們討論了它。
    像你這樣的人給律師,讓我們得了蕁麻疹。
    你這樣說的時候,我馬上感覺像,知道嗎。
    大約六個月後,一位律師告訴我們必須簽訂正式的契約。
    是的。
    我們這樣做了。
    我必須說,這還不錯,我很高興我們有契約。
    但對我來說,所有的契約,無論是寫在一張紙上的潦草字跡還是正式的契約,都讓我覺得安全。
    它們讓我感到好,我喜歡規則和指導方針。
    我喜歡知道如果某事發生會怎麼樣。
    對於科學家來說,這其實並不存在。
    你想要控制結果,但你不能,你承認這一點,並走入未知的領域。
    所以契約對我來說非常令人安心。
    是的,是的。
    我想先談談婚姻契約。
    是的。
    你認為人們決定結婚時心中在想什麼。
    有訂婚。
    有很多愛。
    希望,有很多的愛。
    希望,有很多的多巴胺。
    這是件美好的事情。
    可能還有很多的信息素。
    有許多情感和生物上的事情發生。
    當然。
    還有來自他人的認可。
    有派對。
    有單身派對、單身女派對、婚禮前的聚會、婚禮。
    我意思是,有這麼多事情在強化這段關係。
    你剛才提到的每一件事都很棒。
    嗯。
    它們都很好。
    是的。
    像這些都是積極的事情。
    從蛋糕到單身派對、單身女派對,再到婚紗,還有我們將如何拍照來紀念這一刻,並對我們當時的樣子和我們的家庭進行快照。
    所有這些,怎麼會不讓你為此喝采呢?
    這是不可思議的。
    對。
    所有這些聽起來都不錯。
    就像,你知道,哦,我喜歡這個冰淇淋,有什麼不好呢?
    這是冰淇淋。
    當然你喜歡冰淇淋。
    對我來說,這是對生命的慶祝。
    對。
    你知道,這與一個孩子的誕生非常不同,但它就是這樣。
    對。
    每一個這樣的時刻都是生命精神的慶祝。
    對,你在時間線和歷史中的位置,以及家族的融合、部落的合併,這就像——一種,我們現在要合併,或許新生命將隨之而來。
    然後那生命與更多生命合併,我們成為這鏈條的一部分。
    這真是美妙的事物,這是人類文明的基本構建塊。
    因此,我們對這種想法感到無比陶醉,並因此感到興奮,這是完全可以理解的。
    但人們不會想到的一點是,「合約」這個詞從來不會進入這樣的討論。
    我現在就告訴你,現在在某個地方,有人正在結婚,而「合約」這個詞從未出現過。
    他們並不把婚姻視為合約。
    作為一名離婚律師,我不斷思考的兩件事是婚姻作為一種經濟和婚姻作為合約。
    這是兩樣——一旦你這麼說,大家就假設你不相信或情感上沒有體驗到你剛才所說的那些美好事物。
    而我認為,我這一人生階段的媒體工作有90%的吸引力正是因為人們會想到,哦,離婚律師,這只是個人會談論婚姻是世上最糟糕的事情。
    而實際上,我想我在說的是,看看,這是驚人的。
    這是美妙的。
    為什麼你不會墜入愛河?
    為什麼你不會建立伴侶的聯繫?
    為什麼你不會考慮與另一個人鎖定在一起,並且說,但天啊,誠實面對自己所涉及的風險吧。
    誠實面對自己如何對沖這些風險。
    並且誠實面對合約和經濟,因為這是我認為並不浪漫的兩件事。
    我不認為它會減損事物的浪漫或美麗。
    你知道,我經常說我最喜歡的詩是一首約瑟夫·布羅茲基的詩,名為《一首歌》,他在妻子去世時寫的。
    這是一首關於愛與失落的美麗詩。
    詩中的重複句是,我希望你在這裡,親愛的。
    就像,我希望你在這裡,親愛的。
    我希望你在這裡。
    我希望我們坐在車上,而你坐在我身邊。
    這是一首美麗的詩。
    其中的一句是,我希望你在這裡,親愛的。
    我希望你在這裡。
    我希望我在星星出現時沒有認識天文學。
    我記得第一次讀到那行時,心想,哦,這真是美妙。
    因為一旦你認識了天文學,星星就變得少了一些魔力。
    是嗎?
    我的確——
    我不知道。
    看,我不相信必須是這樣。
    是的,我也不這麼認為。
    偉大的理查德·費曼,諾貝爾獎得主,以“你在開玩笑吧,費曼先生”而聞名,
    說理解事物在還原論層面上增強了他對物理世界的美感。
    而我認為他是對的。
    我是說,這就是我對生物學、生理學以及我對心理學了解的感覺。
    理解更深層的事物增強了我的驚奇感。
    但我完全承認並同意你所說的,對於大多數人來說,當我們想到與婚姻相關的所有事情,
    訂婚、婚禮、派對,它們都隱含著巨大的信任。
    我相信你。
    我對你有信心。
    我將與你合併生活。
    而「合約」這個詞在某種程度上暗示著缺乏信任。
    我前面舉了一個與婚姻截然不同的小故事,對吧?
    與我的商業夥伴之間的商業合約,他們說,哦,你需要一個正式的合約。
    是的。
    這其中有一些暗示事情可能會出錯或會有不可預見的情況發生,而我們的口頭合約無法預見或幫助我們作為商業夥伴去解決的情況。
    而且,這與婚姻合約相比,即使是更小的例子,也無法相比,因為婚姻合約是一個更重大的生命里程碑。
    但我認為你所提出的——我認為我會稍微重新詮釋的觀點是:
    有一個合約會約束你和你的商業夥伴。
    它是由你所居住州的立法機構寫的,明白嗎?
    所以,你想要這個人和你的關係由你沒有寫的合約來管轄,沒有你的任何參與,而政府能在沒有你的同意或知情的情況下隨時改變嗎?
    順便說一下,一旦他們改變了,你無法說,哦,我不喜歡這些新規則,所以我不想讓它們適用。
    是的,為時已晚。
    為時已晚。
    所以我告訴每個人,你有婚前協議。
    每個已婚的人都有婚前協議。
    那是由政府寫的,或者是由兩個聲稱互相愛得超過世界上其他80億個選擇的人寫的。
    現在,如果你問我,誰會寫出更好的合約,是那些受到選舉和不選舉制約的不知名政客,還是兩個互相抱有大量樂觀的兩個人?
    就會有一套規則。
    會有一套規則。
    而如果你是為你自己與伴侶一起編寫或共同編寫的規則而簽字,我認為你會比說,
    讓我們來信託政府。
    我必須告訴你,我去過車輛管理局。
    我從來沒有進入車輛管理局時想過,這些人應該掌控一切。
    這真是太好了。
    他們真的能做到。
    他們應該掌控我的婚姻。
    他們應該掌控一切,我的商業交易。
    他們應該是制定規則的人,因為他們的思維顯然如此成熟。
    我並不這麼認為。
    我覺得在兩個人創業的初期,不論這是婚姻還是商業合作中,彼此之間的信任與樂觀具有巨大的價值。在我們處於這種令人振奮的樂觀、興奮、彼此信任的狀態下,正是說「嘿,總有一天我們會在某事上意見不合」的時候。這是會發生的。可能是我的錯。我經常說蠢話。我一直在說蠢話。因此,我可能會說出某些會讓你不高興的話。那麼,為什麼要在打鬥中學習如何打鬥呢?應該在進入戰鬥之前學習如何打鬥。學習規則。討論一下,如果我們意見不合,最佳的處理方式是什麼?你需要冷靜一下嗎?還是你是那種非得當下解決的事情的人?我不能帶著怒火上床。那樣會讓我心裡痕癢。所以對我來說,正確的心態不是信心和信任或合約。我認為這是完全錯誤的觀點。我認為正確的觀點應該是,這是一個合約。這有一個——無論你是否想叫它合約,就像存在著一個經濟。經濟是價值的交換。你知道的,這麼多香蕉值這麼多椰子。因為如果是——你願意用多少香蕉換多少香蕉?這不是經濟。我們在談論的不是同樣的東西。所以這是同樣的道理。為什麼說「嘿,我要和你結婚」是一個髒話?為什麼?我為你的生活帶來了什麼?我對你來說意味著什麼?我向你提供什麼價值?而你又向我提供了什麼價值?這樣我就知道該保護和維持什麼。你知道,這樣我才知道何時該開始和你談論這個問題。順便一提,當「嘿,我喜歡你的一些東西變了」時,你可以提醒我。就像你提到的你商業夥伴的所有優點。哦,他有這個願景,或者他有這種耐心,或者他有這種組織能力。他彌補了我一些不足的地方。如果你只是說,哦,對,他和我有一樣的特質,那麼為什麼需要他呢?你知道,也許許多雙手一起工作,但理想情況下,你需要的是史蒂夫·喬布斯和史蒂夫·沃茲尼亞克,他們其中任何一個都沒有對方都會感覺缺乏。但合在一起就像是寶瓶中的閃電。所以我真的認為稍微重新定義這件事,並說會有一套規則。我們是最適合來制定這套規則的人。這就是看待它的方式。是的,你對婚姻和婚前協議的合約框架的看法我喜歡,因為你把它放在了一個積極的情感視角上,對吧?當然。兩個彼此相愛的人。因此,讓我們來討論愛與婚姻的合約。是的。兩個有可能一起創造孩子和共度整個生活的人,一起創造家族的契機。我們來簽個合約,好好巩固這個。我們彼此之間欠了什麼?你知道,我們彼此之間欠了什麼?這對我來說是一個巨大的問題。就像,為什麼我們要這麼做?你知道,我們希望解決什麼問題?或者我們彼此生活中所欠的價值是什麼?這是一個如此美麗的問題。順便一提,這是一個如此親密的討論的邀請。就像,這些是你讓我感受到的事情。就像,這些是你所做的讓我有這種感覺的事情。就像,你讓我感到被愛。真的,什麼時候?當你記得我喜歡的那種茶,並且確保它在這裡,對吧?或者,哦,當你記得我妹妹的生日並發了簡訊給她,然後再發給我截圖。這些都是讓我們感受到被愛和被關注的小事情。因此,為什麼我們不抓住機會對這個人說,「嘿,順便問一下,你知道我喜歡你什麼嗎?你知道你做了什麼讓我感到如此被愛,也讓我對你如此愛戀嗎?」因為這是一個值得的對話。你這樣形容,我認為與大多數人想像的婚前協議討論完全不同。我認為這是事實,對。這是我非常感激的,我知道觀眾也會欣賞,因為你對事情的看法不同。我現在只想暫時以神經科學家和生物學家的身份說幾句。 我認為有些詞語人們出於某種原因會視為令人失望的詞。就像,我們在談論信息素、愛、孩子、浪漫、性、假期、蜜月和派對。然後有些人說,合約。然後有人說,你知道,財務,這或許可以讓某些人感到興奮。我想金融界的人可能會感到興奮。但你了解我在說什麼嗎?我了解,是的。 我必須假設這是一種不同的大腦回路。我認為可能確實如此。你所做的是從不同的角度來看這個問題,這是你在這裡的部分原因。你表示圍繞婚前合約的討論可以潛在地深入了解這種關係的本質,甚至可能加深彼此的聯繫。當然。我告訴你,我做婚前協議已經25年了。通常,我會和簽婚前協議的人建立良好的關係,因為你們談論他們的恐懼和希望。是單方面的還是雙方的?我想問這個問題。每次一次。所以你們各自都有自己的律師。你們各自都有自己的律師。作為律師,不能同時代表兩人,因為他們的利益可能是對立的。如果一方的收入大得多,能夠雇用一位更好的律師,那麼怎麼辦,假設多花錢可以聘請到更好的律師呢?我必須假設,平均而言,確實如此。是的。這很不幸,這是一件不幸的事。
    我想說的是,在過去幾個月中,我參與的一個項目是一個網站,trustedprenup.com。我和一些技術人員合作,組建一個旨在讓婚前協議制度化的平臺。因為到現在為止,婚前協議一直是需要花費5,000、10,000或15,000美元給傳統律師幫你起草的東西。然後你的未婚夫會帶著它去找律師審查,然後他們想要進行修訂。這就變成了一個對抗性的過程,而不是讓婚前協議變得普及。因此,我們正在嘗試利用技術創新和人工智慧。我過去起草的數百份婚前協議,我們把它們輸入進去,創建了一個讓你能夠在線上以600到700美元的價格創建婚前協議的系統。哇,這將是個顛覆性的改變。這真的提供了一個機會。但就我而言,這樣做的目的不僅僅是讓婚前協議普及化(我認為這是必須的),而是要真正重新審視我們看待婚前協議的方式。因為人們經常會說:“我不知道我是否需要婚前協議,因為我並不富裕。”而你會說:“那你仍然會有一套規則適用於你的婚姻。”事實上,如果你非常富有,就像我的大多數客戶,他們能夠負擔得起再購六套房子。就像你保留這棟房子,我再買一棟在街上的另一棟,然後我們再為孩子買另一棟,然後我們會和他們一起在那棟房子中探望。這其實叫做“巢居”。這算什麼?巢居是指你們每個人都有自己的家,然後其中一個家只是孩子們住的地方。而不是做一個監護輪換,讓孩子們在兩個家之間來回,所以孩子有一個家,在那段時間有監護權的父母和孩子們在一起。當我上大學的時候,巢居的意思可是完全不同的。那時說巢居是指你有一塊桌布。很好。真的很棒。是啊,這是一個很特別的情況,就是富人和普通人離婚的方式不同。所以這也是為什麼我們想說,讓這個普及化。讓人們去制定一套規則。因為尤其是當你面臨稀缺的時候。大多數人都無法承擔將自己所有財產的一半給出,還能繼續維持基本生活。大多數人都是靠薪水過活。大多數人距離破產只有幾個薪水的距離,如果事情沒有走向正確的方向。因此,當他們離婚時,我們會有兩個電費帳單和兩個網絡帳單,這是大多數人無法做到的。所以更加需要人們有一套他們兩人共同制定的規則。再次強調,當他們對彼此感到積極、仁慈和樂觀的時候,他們在努力保護彼此。對我來說,我不知道如果你不感到安全,怎麼能感受到愛。就像我認為你必須感到安全,無論是情感上還是身體上。如果你在情感或身體上害怕你的伴侶,怎麼可能真正感受到愛?因此,在我看來,婚前協議就是一種邀請A,讓我們討論艱難的事情。因為我可以告訴你,當有人對我說:“我會簽署婚前協議,但那會是一次艱難的對話。”我會說,不要結婚。如果你不能和一個人進行艱難的對話,你根本就沒有結婚的必要。對我來說,這對未來的收入流有好處。但我告訴你,我不認為這是個好主意。你必須討論艱難的事情。並且,你會必須對這個人說出不舒服的真相,而不是舒服的謊言。因此,我非常支持在過程的早期進行這些對話。此外,並不是所有的對話都必須是艱難的,比如討論你的遺囑就是一個艱難的對話。因為沒有什麼好處,而除了不在社交媒體上外,死亡是沒有任何好處的。所以我理解為什麼人們會覺得考慮到“如果我死了,如果我們兩個都死了,孩子該怎麼辦?”是非常艱難的對話。但我們來看看,如果我們分手,你需要什麼來感到安全?你會……你知道,有一首王子(Prince)的歌裡有一句話:“如果我是你的女朋友。”它是,假如有人傷害了你,即使那個人是我,你會跑來找我嗎?我覺得對某人說:“嘿,如果我傷害了你,我該怎麼做才能讓你仍然感到安全?”是非常甜蜜的。如何讓你仍然感受到愛?我不認為,當我遇到一個人的時候,他的前任就像把他完全描繪成一個沒有任何可贖回特質的惡棍。這是常見的情況。人們經常這樣做。在我看來,這非常反映了這兩個人核心價值觀的重要性。我認為,提前告訴某人:“嘿,如果我傷害了你,你需要我做什麼?”這是很有價值的。如何讓我們雙方在這段關係中都感到安全?這就是這些討論的重點所在。雖然用到“合約”和“經濟”這些詞,我明白了。你說的完全正確。這些詞有它們的特別之處。但我覺得現實可以是美好的。我認為,你不需要CGI技術來美化一切才能讓它完美。我認為這裡面已經是完美的。關於我們的不完美、缺陷和恐懼中,真有某種完美之處。而我認為,找到一個可以這樣相處的人,真的很美好。我也不認為我可以從自己身上學到我需要了解的一切。我覺得我需要一個人陪伴。
    理想的情況是,有一個真正愛我的人,支持我,並且看清我的盲點。我認為,關於婚前協議的對話,就應該是這樣的對話。這真是太棒了。我喜歡你如何在生活的光明和陰影中全心投入,並說,好吧,就從一開始就接受這一切,然後弄清楚什麼會讓這段婚姻成功的機率最高。這就是現實。我從未將婚前協議視為提高婚姻成功率的方法。其實,我告訴你,我偏離了主題,這是我常有的事,但在25年中,我可能做過幾百甚至幾千份婚前協議。我想我只有五個人是在簽了婚前協議後才經歷離婚的。真的嗎?是的。我想人們需要再聽一次這個。我想是的。因此在25年中,我做過幾百甚至至少一千份婚前協議。我每週大概做兩到三份婚前協議。所以我做了很多婚前協議。我的大多數同事也做了很多婚前協議。我從未問過我的同事這個。但你知道,通常當你做婚前協議時,當一切完成時,你和這個人之間的關係會很好。這是一個人們感到愉快的交易。這是離婚。有時候你完成一場離婚,這個人會說,“哦,天啊,我真不想再見到你,因為你讓我想起了這一段非常黑暗的時期。”但婚前協議通常是一個非常友好的交易。這是積極的。這令我驚訝。因此,簽署婚前協議的人通常不會分手。是的,Ron。是的。我想許多人聽到這個會非常驚訝。我認為這是一種自我選擇。我認為能夠進行你需要進行的對話以討論和協商的那種人,通常是成功婚姻的類型,句號。這其中有某種道理。我不會討論婚前協議,因為我不想談論任何可能出錯的事情。這是完美的。這是美妙的。這是蛋糕。這是玫瑰。這只是浪漫和性,這是美妙的。好吧。你沒有——聽著,墜愛的感覺就像翱翔一樣有一段時間,然後你落到地面,現實就在等你。如果你第一次考慮自己擁有的法律權利和義務是在我的辦公室裡,那麼你已經完蛋了。你已經完蛋了。你根本沒做任何情感、財務上的準備,什麼都沒有。因此,這裡有某種關於想像的東西,對吧?如果你只是那種人,像是我甚至不想談論。我實際上遇到過 —— 我有一位鄰居,姓名保密,但我嘗試著不時讓自己變得更社交。於是我想,哦,我應該邀請鄰居來喝酒,知道吧,一對夫婦。他們現在不再住在我附近了,所以我現在可以這樣做了。但我邀請了這些人來喝酒,他們來了,是可愛的人。但在某個時刻,她說,哦,你知道,我不知道你怎麼做到你所做的事。就像,我們家不允許出現D字。我當時想,這是什麼意思?她說,不,不,我們家不允許說離婚這個詞。她的說法,就像離婚這個詞是不可言說的禁忌。你知道,她就像,我們不說D字。我心想,若是這麼簡單就好了。你知道,順帶一提,三年後就離婚了。真的嗎?哦,是的。哦,是的。一百個百分比。而且,真的是粗暴、騷鬧,雙方都試著打電話給我雇用我,但我不會代表我在任何情況下認識的人。我只記得當時想,這真是一種——怎樣的幻想。像,我永遠不會說出那個詞——你是我曾曾祖母嗎?你要這樣說癌症。因為如果你用正常的音量說出癌症,突然間,腫瘤就會發展。你真的那麼迷信嗎?你相信——你知道,你相信楚巴卡嗎?這真是瘋狂。我是說,迷信是一種偏執的形式。是的。這是輕微的偏執。當然。但這是一種偏執。當然。是的。但我認為——你知道,我常常說,我認為我們對婚姻的大多數態度都是直接傳承下來的。就像,婚姻,你可以是最現代的Bella Abzug女性主義者。很多女性仍然會說,哦,是的,我仍然希望我父親在婚禮上陪我走進會堂,然後把我交給我的丈夫,真的嗎?你是一家軟體公司的高管,難道他會用什麼,山羊來交換你嗎?這難道不是因為你是你父親的財產,現在你將成為你的丈夫的財產,他會將你交給他?這傳統的根源就在這裡。你認為你所描述的心理基礎是什麼?內心的價值確認,外部的價值確認?當我看到這一切時,對我來說都不太合邏輯——你知道的,像你說的,就像這些都是极端的例子,C-suite的女性高管。是的。讓我們來定義一下——或者創始人也可以。當然。這樣的人確實存在。我來自舊金山灣區,那裡有很多這樣的人。我代表其中幾個。是的。是的。通常情況下,他們會採用未來丈夫的姓氏。有趣。並不總是如此。百分之百。這比男性採用他妻子的姓氏要普遍得多。哦,是的。要普遍得多。
    實際上,我甚至想不出一個具體的例子。
    有一些——我碰到過幾個是以連字符連接的。
    這是一個新的趨勢。
    哦,演化生物學家會這麼做。
    之前所有的演化生物學家都是這樣的。
    大多數會給孩子取夫姓。
    大多數會給孩子取夫姓。
    而且,我又不知道這是否是一種男性特質,像是,男性會想,這是我的孩子,
    他們要用我的名字。我真的不知道。
    但是,是的,很多女性主義的東西都被丟到了窗外。
    另一個例子是,在離婚的情況下——我觀察過這種情況。
    我沒有相關的統計數據。
    但女性會保留前任丈夫的姓,因為我所聽到的是她們想和自己的孩子擁有相同的姓。
    這是很常見的。
    這是可以理解的。
    是的。
    但是,當然,孩子可以改姓。
    這能消除一定程度的混淆,因為在學校,比如說,你知道,這是我的名字。
    而孩子的名字是不同的。所以那一部分我明白。
    我完全理解。
    但是我還有——順便提一下,我有一些客戶——因為你並不需要改回名字,但你有這個權利。
    我有一些男性客戶,他們想要拿回自己的名字。
    他說,我希望她不再能使用那個名字。
    你是認真的嗎?
    我得向他解釋,你——
    這就是有趣的地方。
    你不能強迫她不再使用你的名字。
    他說,那是我的名字。
    我說,你明白嗎?
    我可以改——只要你不是為了詐騙債權人,
    任何人都可以——如果我想,可以明天改名叫安德魯·休伯曼(Andrew Huberman)。
    是的。
    只要我不是為了詐騙我的債權人。
    你會面臨比這更麻煩的事情。
    你會成為生活的主角。
    我會是休伯曼太太。
    這很有趣。
    這非常有趣。
    哦,我的天。
    不,你將會是安德魯·休伯曼,而這會伴隨著一定的負擔。
    是的,聽起來很累人。
    我覺得我無法應付。
    這是全職的樂趣。
    我無法做到。
    我也無法舉那麼重的東西。
    沒錯。
    全職的樂趣。
    不,開玩笑的。
    嚴肅地說,哇,人們真的要求拿回他們的名字。
    是的,他們希望她禁止使用她的名字。
    即使孩子有那個名字。
    但這又回到了那種憤怒的情緒。
    就只是純粹的憤怒表達,我能理解。
    你知道,我所做的很多事情就是幫助人們釐清,像是他們真的在為什麼感到不滿,而這也是我工作的主要內容。
    就像,我的大學學位是心理學。
    我的碩士學位是文化人類學,專門研究死亡和臨終。
    然後,我的法學學位,當我開始上法學院時,我就想當一名離婚律師。
    我認為我對心理學學位的使用和法學學位差不多,因為我所做的很多事情都涉及到人們在這種非常高度的情緒狀態下的處理。
    就像,我是信仰的支持者,但並不是盲目的信仰。
    就像,我是童話的支持者。
    如果童話在你心中激發出某種東西,那是不可思議的。
    就像,如果你跟我說,你知道,吉姆,我愛《星際大戰》。
    像絕地武士與帝國的鬥爭,像這樣的故事激勵我成為一個守紀律的人,去為正義而戰,
    不再害怕邪惡,並意識到,這是一個美好的故事。
    但如果你開始告訴我,維基(Wookiees)是真實的,伙計,我們就有問題了。
    你得去檢查一下。
    這不行。
    這不是真的。
    所以,離婚率是56%。
    因此,56%的情況下,這項技術失敗。
    56。
    56。
    是的。
    每年都在變化。
    但56是目前的離婚率。
    好吧。
    那麼,目前在歐洲也是這樣嗎?
    在南美洲也是嗎?
    在澳洲也是嗎?
    每個國家的統計數據都不同。
    美國的情況並不一樣,你實際上可以在線查到,有一個很棒的,就是在運行的統計數據。
    但根據我的了解,離婚率最高的國家是意大利,目前在這場比賽中獲勝。
    愛爾蘭的離婚率是最低的,因為基本上在很長一段時間內,愛爾蘭是不可能離婚的。
    那些有非常強烈的宗教背景,比如沙里亞法(Sharia law)等,顯然有很低的離婚率。
    但這會有所變化,不想說的是,像是非常現代的國家,
    在那裡社交媒體普及,人們能不斷地跟其他人比較。
    不是北韓。
    不是北韓。
    很好的例子。
    是的。
    因為實際上即使是北韓,也有一種潛在的宗教敘事。
    只是他們決定,或被告知他們的領導人是一位神。
    所以我認為當你沒有某種禁止離婚的核心基礎宗教敘事時,
    那麼你就會依賴人們的願望,在某種程度上和它的文化基礎和傳統上。
    對吧?
    而多年前,傳統上是即使不快樂也要保持婚姻。
    然後在1970年代和1980年代,傳統開始轉變為你的快樂比婚姻更重要。
    所以如果你不快樂,你可能需要離開婚姻並離婚。
    這時,離婚率開始飆升,對吧?
    所以,我認為這是有一定價值的。
    就像,我知道,傳統在某些方面就像是來自我們前人的智慧,他們看到了我們可能沒看到的東西。
    在某種程度上,傳統是已故者施加的同儕壓力。
    所以,我認為我們對婚姻的迷戀,就像是,我找到了我的摯愛,
    現在我們甚至不會考慮結束的可能性,儘管實際上56%的情況下,這段關係會結束。
    像是,我無法理解的部分是,再次看看那裡的數字。比如說,我們保守估計,還有10%的人為了孩子而繼續在一起。因為56%只是真正說出「這太糟糕了,我們需要律師,並且要結束這段關係」的人。那麼,有多少人是因為孩子、宗教原因,或是不想分掉一半的財產而繼續在一起的?這一定是一個很大的數字。我認為保守估計10%,我覺得其實更多,可能20%?絕對會更多。而這些都是第一次婚姻嗎?第一次婚姻的統計數據顯示,每次再婚的離婚率會更高。所以,當到第二次婚姻時-真的嗎?第二次婚姻的離婚率會高於第一次,第三次婚姻則更高。有趣的是,當你超過三次婚姻時,情況就會變成這樣。 我家裡所有離婚的人都再婚,而且在那些第二次婚姻中待了很長一段時間。我認識很多非常幸福的再婚人士。而且依然在一起,非常幸福。是的。我覺得這是有價值的,因為我確實認為作為一個離婚的人,你會在離婚的過程中學到很多關於自己。你會學到很多關於什麼在關係中不該重蹈覆轍,以及什麼對你來說不起作用。所以我做任何事都不會在第一次就做到完美。因此,我認為嘗試一些事情是有價值的。你不會僅僅通過閱讀游泳的書籍來學會游泳。你要在泳池裡學游泳。所以,這就是為什麼我喜歡婚姻,儘管離婚率非常高。這顯然是一個風險極高的技術。可以說這是一個魯莽的行為。你知道的,我的意思是,法律上對過失的定義是未能感知到一個重要且無法辯解的嚴重傷害風險,好嗎?法律上的魯莽是對一個重要且無法辯解的嚴重傷害風險的有意無視,好嗎?所以如果你知道某件事以心碎和資產的分配以及需要律師的爭鬥結束,那56%的概率,你事先卻沒有做任何計劃,那我會說這是魯莽的。你在有意無視一個重要的傷害風險,沒有其他了。是的,且如果有孩子的話,這會把他們捲入爆炸之中。這是一種不同層次的,更高層次,是的。你是否知道有關有孩子的第一次婚姻維持的百分比,無論他們是否幸福的數字或大致數據?我不知道。我不知道這樣的區分。我是知道這些統計數據是相對密切追蹤的,所以你可以很容易地在線上找到它們,因為它們是由政府追蹤的。每次我們進行離婚時,我們必須提交一份稱為結婚解決證書的文件,該證書包括每個人完成的最高年級、是否有孩子、孩子的數量、孩子的年齡,這份文件的整體目的就是編纂人口統計信息。因此,政府已經監控這些數據很多年了,並在關注「這些數字是什麼?」這些數字並沒有被廣泛宣傳。我認為部分原因是婚禮產業不想讓人們參與這樣的對話。像是,你不想讓人們真正看到事物的真相,因為那會削弱幻想的存在。但再說一次,我認為這是框架問題,因為對我而言,即使你了解天文學,星星依然美麗。像我認為,事實上,我甚至認為,也許這只是我看事情的方式,愛是借來的而不是永久贈予的,這讓它更美麗。像是,我必將死亡的事實反而讓我的生活更美麗。我將見到的日落是有限的。這是一個數字。我還不知道它是什麼。可能是五次,也可能是五百次。但這是一個數字,對吧?所以當你和某人在一起時,那段婚姻將會結束。每段婚姻都會結束。它會以死亡或離婚結束。這是你唯一可以說的,有希望它以死亡結束的事情之一。如果你在某人的婚禮上說:「我真的希望你們的婚姻以死亡結束」,他們會想:「那家伙怎麼了?」但這是真的,因為所有婚姻都會結束,無論是以死亡還是離婚而結束。我希望你的婚姻以死亡結束。不過,我覺得這並不會讓它變得不美麗。我認為這讓它變得更加美麗。每一天,這個人醒來並決定繼續成為你的配偶,繼續成為你的伴侶,理想中是你的啦啦隊員和你的粉絲,對你來說這是多麼重要。而對我來說,正因為你不擁有這個人,他們有自由意志,他們有自主權和行動權,而他們選擇你,不只是基於那一天你穿著得體,播放美妙的音樂,大家都喝醉的情況,這是有價值的,也是那回憶,照片和提醒,但就像是事實上,他們每天起床並持續選擇和你在一起。 如果你跟我說,他們留在你身邊的原因是因為不想離婚,這是一個很糟糕的理由。你知道,我很多年前曾經吸煙。人們曾經說:「哦,你必須戒煙,這會讓你少活十年。」而我會說:「是啊,最後這十年,像是穿成人尿布的歲月,我根本不想要。」像是你見過一個90歲的人,我不想90歲,這沒關係。就像是你是把他們的時間從尾端刪掉。一旦我意識到我感覺更好,食物的味道更好,我可以跑得更遠更快,那麼這對我來說就變得有意義,因為現在有一些真實而具體的東西在當下。這是有價值的。所以我認為婚姻也是同樣的道理。
    這和婚前協議是同樣的道理。我們不是在討論如果不簽協議,我們將失去什麼或這會給我們帶來什麼。我們應該討論的是這對我們當前能做些什麼?這場對話能讓我們了解彼此的意義以及我們彼此所負的責任,能帶來什麼?
    如同許多人所知,我每天都在服用 AG1 已經超過13年。然而,我現在發現了一種更好的維生素礦物質益生菌飲品。這款新且改進的飲品就是本月推出的全新 AG1。這種下一代公式是基於我多年每天服用的產品的更先進、臨床背書版本,包含了新的生物可利用營養成分和增強的益生菌。
    這個下一代公式基於有關益生菌對腸道微生物組影響的令人興奮的新研究。它現在包含幾種特定的臨床研究益生菌菌株,這些菌株已顯示可以支持消化健康和免疫系統健康,改善腸道規律性並減少脹氣。
    作為一名從事研究科學超過三十年的專業人士,並在健康和健身領域同樣投入了這麼久,我不斷尋找最佳工具來改善我的心理健康、身體健康和表現。我早在2012年便發現並開始服用 AG1,在我有播客之前就已經開始使用,從那時起我每天都在服用。我發現它大大改善了我健康的各個方面。每當我服用它,我就感覺好得多。
    隨著年份的推移,順便提一下,今年九月我將滿50歲,我的感覺不斷變得更好。我將這一切歸功於 AG1。AG1使用最高品質的成分,並以正確的組合進行搭配,他們不斷改進配方而不提高成本。因此,我很榮幸能有他們作為這個播客的贊助商。
    如果您想嘗試 AG1,您可以訪問 drinkag1.com/Huberman,索取特別優惠。目前,AG1 正在贈送 AG1 歡迎套件,內含五個免費旅行包和一瓶免費的 D3 K2 維生素。再次提醒,請前往 drinkag1.com/Huberman 獲取包含五個免費旅行包和免費 D3 K2 維生素的歡迎套件。
    今天的節目還由 Our Place 贊助。Our Place 生產我最喜愛的鍋、煎鍋和其他炊具。令人驚訝的是,80% 的不粘鍋以及各種器具、電器和無數其他廚房產品中仍然檢測到有毒化合物,如PFAS(永久化學物質)。正如我之前在這個播客中討論過的,這些 PFASs 或永久化學物質,如特氟龍,已與重大健康問題聯繫在一起,包括荷爾蒙擾動、腸道微生物組擾動、不孕不育等多種健康問題。因此,盡量避免這些物質是至關重要的。
    這也是我非常喜愛 Our Place 的原因。Our Place 的產品使用最高品質的材料,並且全部不含 PFAS 和有毒物質。我尤其喜愛他們的 鈦合金無化學涂層煎鍋(Titanium Always Pan Pro),這是第一款不含化學物質和塗層的不粘鍋。它使用純鈦製成,這意味著它不含有害的永久化學物質,並且隨著時間的推移不會降解或失去其不粘性。它的外觀也非常美觀。我幾乎每天早上都在我的鈦合金煎鍋中煮蛋,設計使得雞蛋能夠完美地煮熟,不會粘在鍋上。我還在裡面煮漢堡和牛排,肉類表面會有很好的焦痕。但同樣,沒有任何東西會粘在鍋上,因此它非常容易清洗,甚至可以放入洗碗機。我非常喜歡它,基本上一直在使用。
    Our Place 現在擁有一整套的鈦合金專業炊具,使用其首創的鈦合金不粘技術。如果您正在尋找無毒且耐用的鍋具,請訪問 fromourplace.com/Huberman 並在結帳時使用代碼 Huberman。目前,Our Place 正在舉辦他們賣季中的最大優惠活動。從現在開始到2025年5月12日,所有產品可享受高達 30% 的折扣。提供 100 天無風險試用、免費運送和免費退貨,您可以在無風險的情況下試用 Our Place,看看為什麼有超過 100 萬人選擇了 Our Place 廚具。再次提醒,請訪問 fromourplace.com/Huberman 獲得高達 30% 的折扣。
    我開始採納一種關於合同的心態,即它們是一種擁抱現實的工具,既包括潛在的負面影響,也包括豐富積極的想象。我認為想象力也很重要。我認為婚姻關乎一種想象的未來。是的,這是關於我們將共同建立某種事物,它會是什麼樣子的?就像您和您的商業夥伴一起坐下時,您共同懷有一種想象。您們不會只是問,“今天我們要做些什麼?我們要建造什麼?我們希望它成為什麼樣子?”順便說一句,它最終從未變成過你想象的樣子。它會變成完全不同的東西。沒有先見之明。這是一個非常不同的情況,但沒有先見之明。但我認為這並不是特別不同。我覺得,如果你想讓上帝笑,告訴他你的計劃。像是,一些模糊的想法,“我們想做些什麼?”我不知道,我們想一起做些令人興奮的事情。我不知道這會看起來怎樣。我認為這是一種鬆散的結構,但我並不知道那究竟是什麼。就像你和我是一對朋友。我們今天討論的內容並沒有特別策劃過。對吧?我們談過十幾次,但我們並沒有說,“那麼,我們應該討論什麼?”為什麼?因為我認為如果我們這樣做,那就不會是真誠的。我依然覺得,有些東西比我們的對話更棒,“是的,我們希望進行一場好的交談,值得的對話。我們都會享受的對話。”
    然後也許觀眾會享受,你知道嗎?
    所以這樣好多了。
    我想這就是你在婚前協議或婚姻中所做的事情,就是你在想像未來的生活。
    好,那看起來是什麼樣的?
    告訴我。
    所以不僅僅是排除條件。
    就像,我想到,某些指導方針。
    例如,在八角籠裡,就不可以打裡面的部位。
    對。
    你知道的,不可以戳眼睛。
    所以有很多事情是不會發生的。
    對。
    每條規則都有其原因。
    無論如何,X、Y和Z都是不可談論的。
    對。
    這讓人感到安全。
    對。
    因為你想要知道某些非常危險的事情是不可談論的。
    對。
    但你所談論的是通過合同和婚前協議所經過的一系列選擇。
    當然。
    還有些標誌。
    比如,標誌,看看,你花了這麼多時間。
    我消費你所發布的內容的原因之一是我喜歡在遇到問題之前了解標誌。
    就像,我想知道,什麼是,什麼是,衡量重要的事情。
    對。
    我想看看到底發生了什麼變化,然後在那個時候我可以做些什麼來調整?
    我認為在關係中也是一樣的。
    就像,當你來到我的辦公室時,已經太晚了。
    修復一段破裂的關係比維持一段良好的關係要困難得多。
    就像,增重後再試著減去所有體重比保持健康體重要難得多。
    這就是更簡單的事。
    所以我認為同樣的概念適用於對自己誠實,了解我們所朝向的目標以及我們所建立的關係,並且我們如何保持在這個地方。
    我不喜歡僅僅關注排除條款。
    就像,如果我們分開了,我們不需要聘請律師,也不需要經過法院體系。
    我們會知道規則是什麼。
    這是有價值的。
    但關於我們彼此應該對怎樣的話題的對話也有巨大價值。
    我們帶進這段關係的是什麼?
    因為這是經濟學中的一部分,而這是充滿了性別問題的,這讓人們不想談論,或覺得談論不安全或客觀。
    因此,56%。
    是的,我認為是的。
    我想我們因為這種不誠實而變得貧窮,因為我認為我了解這是一個不舒服的真相。
    我知道這很難說,像是,對,我不知道,我內心有某種東西想要這樣。
    就像,我不知道那是什麼。
    我不知道那是不是生物學。
    我不知道那是不是荷爾蒙。
    我不知道。
    但,這對我來說很重要。
    就像,是的,我想和你有一段滿足的性關係,但我們性上的需求卻不同。
    就像,我想要頻率。
    你想要,嗯,你想要強度。
    就像,無論會是什麼。
    就像,男性的性慾和女性的性慾是不一樣的。
    在荷爾蒙上,它們是不相同的。
    所以,坦白地說,能否進行一場對話,嘿,如果我們要結婚,我們通常有一段性關係。
    所以,現在的情況應該不錯吧。
    那我們如何知道何時偏離基本線?
    還有,順便問一下,我們如何知道偏離基本線時,它不是災難的徵兆,對吧?
    就像,假如我八歲時視力開始變糟,可能會比我52歲時需要閱讀眼鏡來得更令人擔心。
    這些是更正常的情況,對吧?
    那麼,為什麼不說,嘿,我不是說我們約會或訂婚時的性行為量是基本線。
    而且如果我們偏離了,那意味著關係出了問題。
    這是一種瘋狂的說法。
    那麼婚前協議是否包括關於性、金錢等的討論或協議?
    可以。
    金錢肯定可以。
    性,則是可以的。
    而我認為圍繞婚前協議應該進行的整體對話,以及為什麼我認為那些有婚前協議的人,在我觀察中,離婚的可能性較小的原因,是在這件事情的最前端,你們在討論我們彼此應該對什麼、對彼此期待什麼、對彼此有什麼意義、你為我的生活帶來什麼價值。
    就像,為什麼我們能在任何其他關係中做到這一點呢?
    就像,如果現在你是我朋友,有人問,為什麼你喜歡安德魯·休伯曼作為朋友?
    我可以列出一串理由。
    他非常有趣。
    他對很多酷的健身知識非常感興趣。
    他非常有趣,跟他一起相處很開心。
    他的飲食和我差不多,算是有點無聊。
    他不喝酒,跟我一樣,所以我們可以一起聚會。
    因為他也不喝酒,我不會因為不喝而感到奇怪。
    我可以說一大堆。
    我對你也會說同樣的話。
    這樣行。
    不過,你還知道一些我不知道的知識,除此之外。
    但我們彼此感興趣。
    我們的友誼是有意義的,對吧?
    所以,為什麼?
    還有,聽人們說自己喜歡你什麼,不是非常美好嗎?
    我覺得當有人說,你知道嗎,我喜歡你,吉姆?
    我全神貫注。
    告訴我,你知道嗎?
    或者如果電話那頭是一位我愛戴且信任的人,我知道你是我的朋友。
    所以,如果你打電話給我,說,吉姆,我可以給你一些建設性的反饋嗎?
    我認為你有些做法在妨礙自己?
    兄弟,我會非常專注地聽。
    我會想聽到這個。
    你可能也打過這類電話。
    你已經給我打過幾次了。
    是的,這是律師與客戶之間的特權。
    我不能提及。
    但是的,我覺得其中有些東西。
    這是一對伴侶生命中的一個事件,對吧?那麼,在這樣浪漫的背景下,為什麼要浪費機會來進行這樣的對話呢?
    這是你對我生活的貢獻。
    這是你讓我感受到的。
    這是我覺得最被愛的時候。
    這是我覺得不被你所愛的時候。
    我想這是因為當人們聽到「婚前協議」這個詞時,他們會想到結束。
    這涉及結束。
    這是一份將要分配資源的合同,這樣我們不必將一定的金額給律師。
    每個人都會感到安全。
    你不必擔心自己會得到不夠或過多的金額。
    我的意思是,這是有價值的。
    這些都是有價值的事情。
    我不認為,我可能錯了,但我不認為大多數人將「婚前協議」這個詞與婚姻的成功聯繫在一起,這可能就是為什麼這麼少人會簽署它們。
    有沒有一個大約的比例是多少婚姻呢?
    不,因為婚前協議的驚人之處在於,它並沒有在任何地方提交。
    它只是你在保險箱中有一份,律師在他們的保險箱中有一份,這是一份合同。
    那它就像其他任何合同一樣具有約束力嗎?
    哦,是的。
    因為如今我們知道像保密協議(NDA)這類東西是有點不穩定的。
    不,保密協議是不穩定的,因為保密協議是相對較新的構造,並且未經真正的考驗。
    就像非競爭協議(non-compete),曾經有一段時間,非競爭協議是過於廣泛,根本不值得一提,然後人們試著對其進行調整。
    現在,你知道,具體到地理和時間範圍的非競爭協議,比如法庭系統和生效法律的判斷,會對其進行調整。
    婚前協議也發生過類似的情況。
    從前有很多婚前協議會被擱置。
    但在我從業的25年中,相信我,我曾經想撇開幾份婚前協議卻未能成功,而我是一名優秀的律師。
    但是,撇開一份適當草擬的婚前協議是非常困難的,你知道。
    我認為這是一件好事,因為再一次,框架需要改變,即每個人都有一份婚前協議。
    這份協議要么是由政府撰寫並且可隨時在沒有通知你的情況下由政府改變,你不能選擇不接受新的規則,或者是你和你的伴侶共同起草的。
    我想回到婚前協議,不幸的是回到離婚,但我想再談談愛與合同,無論是在感情上還是在實際上。
    你認為人們在決定結婚或僅僅是成為所謂的生活伴侶或夥伴時,對自己和對方完全誠實嗎?
    我的意思是,你認為快樂的多巴胺、催產素、費洛蒙和所有其他相關的東西是一部分吸引力嗎?
    我的意思是,沒有比和你心愛的人一起退房、沖澡、外出見朋友更有趣的事情了,你們都很快樂,然後回到家再重復一次?
    很少有事情能像從外面的視角看到一對幸福相愛的伴侶那麼美好,你不需要去了解或關心他們在私下裡做什麼。
    你只是能感受到他們彼此的崇拜。
    你可以從他們身上感受到氛圍。
    是的,我認為這有一種費洛蒙效應。
    我的意思是,有非常重要的靈長類生物學支持這一點,我們甚至不需要討論。
    我們可以將這個放到一邊,大家都知道我們在談什麼。
    但你知道,下面有,正如你所說,我們的需求。
    未來可能有人會覺得這些需求沒有得到滿足。
    當然。
    以及這種情況。
    預測一個人的需求是困難的,尤其是如果是第一次或第三次的感情。
    當然。
    你知道,你需要一些經驗,有時候,你在18歲時遇到對的人,那是件美好的事情。
    哦,是的。
    那麼你認為人們在多大程度上理解如何了解自己的需求,更不用說表達它們了?
    是的。
    我一直說,最危險的謊言是我們告訴自己的謊言。
    在我的書中我提到,所有婚姻問題源於兩個根本性的問題。
    我們不知道我們想要什麼,而且即使我們知道我們想要什麼,我們也不知道如何向伴侶表達出來。
    我認為這兩個問題是截然不同但深刻相關的。
    我認為我們犯的一個重大錯誤是,我們在所謂的愛中很快墮入愛河,對嗎?
    我對整個愛的概念模糊不清,因為很多被描述為愛的東西就像是1950年代為了賣香波而設計出來的。
    就像是我不——這種你遇到這個人,然後那個人將成為你的靈魂伴侶的想法。
    無論誰創造了靈魂伴侶這個詞,我都欠他們一大筆錢。
    嗯,在某些宗教中,確實有一個詞來形容上帝指定的選擇。
    是的,就像我的「bashert」,我的命運,對吧?
    上帝賦予的選擇,一個將滿足這一需求的獨特的人。
    但即便你說,可以,這個人是由一個全能的創造者選中的,這至少比說我遇到了一個人,他現在要成為最好的朋友、最好的共同父母、最好的室友、最好的旅行伴侶、最好的性愛伴侶、最好的知己、最好的財務伙伴要合理得多。
    等等,所有這些?
    他們要滿足所有這些——而且他們恰好住在你三英里外?
    而且在80億人中,竟然去同一家咖啡館?
    那機率有多高?
    如果真是這樣,我肯定會相信上帝。
    但事實是,我不認為這樣。
    我認為這是費洛蒙與多巴胺的結合。
    聽著,我明白了。
    我明白了。
    但為什麼我們必須這樣看待它,就像關係早期的那些日子一樣?你看,我們都曾經戀愛過。我們都曾經經歷過浪漫的關係,那時候只要那個人輕輕碰到你,或者他們的香氣撲面而來,就像電擊般穿透你。這是魔法。這是世界上最偉大的毒品,但如果這種感覺永遠保持下去,你就什麼都做不成。就像文明會毀滅,因為我們都只想坐在那裡整天聞著某人的頭髮。我們只想整天待在彼此身邊。
    順便說一下,這不僅僅是我們對他們的感受,而是他們讓我們對自己有什麼感覺。你為什麼認為外遇這麼令人陶醉?因為你與這個人有過一段關係,而他們甚至不再看你,你也不再看他們。然後你遇到了另一個人,他們就像,哦,你真迷人。你真聰明。你真帥。突然間,你又開始感覺到自己聰明而帥氣。為什麼?因為你在觀察,不是嗎?就像你透過這個人的目光看見自己。
    是的,埃絲特·佩瑞爾在坐在你現在坐的同一位置時說過,90%的人形容外遇是因為他們讓他們覺得,所謂的,「活著」。是的。在與關係中缺乏生氣或生機的對比中,有一種活力。這並不是辯解。她在討論時提到,那麼他們尋求的基本動機是什麼?是性嗎?是冒險嗎?在某些情況下,可能是——
    嗯,她的書《重新定義背叛》就像她所有的寫作一樣——幾年前我和她一起參加過一個小組討論,我覺得她是一個聰明而卓越的思想家。她對外遇和人際關係,尤其是浪漫關係的本質有著深刻的見解。但她又在公開說出那些不便之言。再說一次,我不認為她不浪漫。我不認為她不相信愛情。當有人問我,你相信愛情嗎?就像——就像你相信氧氣一樣。它就在我周圍。愛情無處不在。我想問題是你是否相信浪漫和愛情的潛在持久性?是的。是的。因為——與同一個人。是的。因為我像你一樣看到了它。這只是——這是一件稀有而特別的事情。
    你知道,我之前說過的一件事情就是,我每次說這句話都會被批評,因為人們故意曲解我的意思,就是婚姻就像彩票。你可能不會中獎。但如果你中獎,你所贏得的東西是如此美好,你不妨買張票。試一試。試一試。再說一次,有了婚前協議,這樣你的風險在某種程度上是可控的。但現在人們把這句話拿去說,哦,那麼你是在說這是隨機的?就像你不能做任何事來增加他們購買更多彩票的機會。就像婚姻是一種實踐。這是工作。當人們對我說,婚姻是辛苦的工作時。婚姻是艱辛的——我不知道你在說什麼。我不知道愛必須是艱苦的工作。就我而言,對浪漫愛情的期望有太多是沒有意義的,根據可觀察經驗。
    如果你看那些幸福的已婚人,他們會為彼此加油。他們享受彼此的陪伴。但再次強調,他們是否處於那些早期的陶醉狀態,以至於如果對方開始說話,他們會失去思路?不,因為他們正在一起建立生活、家庭和生態系統,他們需要分擔責任。但這兩者並不一定要相互矛盾。你不能把無知和故意對愛的脆弱性和無常視而不見的盲目態度納入這個方程式。我的職業是關於愛的脆弱性。我們為什麼不能談論這個脆弱的東西,並像對待一個脆弱的東西那樣對待它?為什麼不把愛當作它所是的來看待?這是如此驚人、強大和美麗的東西,以至於它能徹底吸走我們腦海中的理智。而你想要的只是和這個人在一起,交談——你今晚想做什麼?你想去最棒的音樂會,在最好的場地的前排坐下,還是只是和這個人坐在一起,看Netflix,吃點爆米花?是的,我選擇那個。我選擇那個,因為那是最好的事情。
    至於友誼的部分,我聽你之前提到過,隨著我們在這裡所有關於費洛蒙雲、快樂激素、浪漫和性愛的討論。我認為,我會大力支持這一切都很美好,但柔和悠閒的時光,如同在沙發上懶洋洋地待著,是不同的,截然不同。然而在很多方面,它們又是如此的紐帶,尤其是在當今這個混亂、不確定、對許多人來說充滿威脅的世界背景下。即使你在這個世界上很成功,這個世界也非常沉重。現在一切都令人難以應對。我們一直在透過設備和其他事物面對許多挑戰。某種程度上,我們整個物種都面臨著不確定性。還有批評,我的意思是來自外部世界的批評如此之多,自我批評和比較,也如此之多。擁有一個能看到你美麗的人,並為你加油,真的很重要。而當你摔倒時,他們的反應是,好的,你摔倒了。來吧,人們會摔倒。這沒關係。我會支持你。來吧,站起來。你能行。你可以做到,知道嗎?
    關於這一點,對我來說,這是最好的事情。當我看到成功的已婚夫妻時,他們不會相互取笑。像現在所有的陳詞濫調,比如,女人總是說,哦,他真是個傻瓜。這種貶低自己丈夫或妻子的方式似乎有點可愛。男人像孩子一樣。男人像孩子,而女人則是最可憎的女妖,專門用來削弱男人的力量。你知道的,哦,嗯,請吧。嗯,她這個人呢,根本沒什麼。我不覺得這可愛。我不覺得這迷人。這有點美國的主題。我注意到我的一半家人在南美,完全是不同的情形。現在,有人可以辯稱他們的問題在於那裡的畫面。對。這類情形確實存在。但這並不相同,你知道,男人是孩子。女人則是狠角色。對我來說,特別是在這個日益表現化甚至策劃化的時代,我們生活在其中,你知道,我們在Instagram和其他社交媒體上觀看著每個人的精彩瞬間,而我們卻在自己的人生搞笑集上生活。我們和其他人的關係及生活的策劃版本進行比較。因此,很多時候,我們對自己所做的事情和所處的位置感覺不太好。我們的身體、思維、成功、成就。在看著別人策劃的精彩瞬間時,我認為能有另一個人陪伴在旁而不批評你,這是非常珍貴的。即使是建設性的批評也是批評。擁有另一個人存在的意義。我不是說,良好關係的一部分不包括批評,或者給予對方反饋的能力。但就像我之前說的我們的友誼一樣。你知道這是出於愛的地方,比如,嘿,夥計,我知道你很棒,我覺得這樣會減損你的卓越,或者這將光芒照射在錯誤的地方。我認為這是非常有價值的。但是再一次,這需要這兩人在早期進行對話,我覺得,討論我們的期望,我們對彼此的感受。還有,再次強調,從這個角度來看,婚姻是一種契約。離婚是一種不同的契約。婚前協議是一種契約。不論我們是否願意承認,我們生活在契約的世界裡。那麼為何不面對事實呢?明確說出來。保證這不會削弱這件事的美麗與浪漫。作為一名離婚律師已有25年了,我在婚禮上仍然會感動得流淚。我仍然看愛情故事。我看《愛在光譜上》,每一集我都真的會哭。我還沒看過。如果你想要感受到你這輩子最被肯定的時刻。因為這些人正在與生活中巨大的困難和挑戰作鬥爭,是你我沒有的挑戰。他們想要的只是與另一個人的聯繫。美好。還有一種感覺,像是他們都在說,哦,我要這個,哦,你喜歡冰淇淋嗎?哦,我也喜歡冰淇淋。然後就這樣,哦,好吧,好吧,太好了。我們找到了共同點。我們找到了聯繫的點。你坐在那裡,心懸著,哦,天哪,對,對,對,好吧,太好了,你做得很好,你做得很好。好吧,他們的談話內容已經耗盡了。好吧,沒關係。就這樣,我在觀看。該想像一些人看超級碗的樣子。就懸著心。我就像是給Tanner的命運賭了錢一樣,知道嗎?我在看它。因為有一種非常純淨的感覺,就是我只想找到愛。我只想找到另一個人,我會感到被愛和安全,還有那個喜歡我,讓我以更積極的方式看待自己的人。這是如此美好。或許你得除去很多這些智識的東西,才能真正看出,這就是事情的本質,並使其回到最純粹的、精華的版本。但再一次,我認為在你旅程的起始階段做這件事是最簡單和最好的,而不是在中途,尤其不是在已經偏離軌道的時候。我在思考期待的標準,顯然社交媒體在這方面扮演著重要角色。你提到人們展示他們的最佳生活、最佳自我、最佳一切。我有一位朋友,他在某個社交媒體平台上位高權重,姑且說在最初的十個平台之一,他告訴我,社交媒體99%是關於女性和女性生物學及心理學彼此之間的交流,並讓男性與世界交流。這些支持某種理想的東西。一些人會聽到這些感到不快,我會告訴你,告訴我的人是一位女性,這讓人有些意外。男人會展示他們的健身成果。男人會與其他男人競爭。男人會展示他們的半場投籃技巧等等。那是為了女性嗎?也許。是為了男性嗎?更有可能。在某些情況下,兩者皆是。所有的一切。但是這種理想被呈現作為持續追求的東西,確實是現代版的迪士尼電影。最後的婚禮。對吧?新娘和新郎,一切都很完美。那裡有一種潛意識的文本。我們都在追求和希望,然而我們只是看到了表面的閃耀。我是這麼說的。
    我不認為我見過一部電影或者一個 Instagram 帳戶,描述一對情侶解決一個真正艱鉅的挑戰,而不是像癌症那樣的事情。就像是一場討論,一場艱難的討論,是真實的,即時的。我見過一些編排好的情景,看起來實在荒謬,裡面有人會說,我懂你的感受,我聽到你了。好吧。但這完全無法觸及潛在的情感。所以我認為事情的發展是,人們對這種理想越來越著迷,卻漸漸失去了你剛才描述的,這或許才是真正的理想。對,這個來自《在光譜上的愛》的情境,對吧,你想要找到基於簡單日常事物的聯繫,這些事物你可以不斷沉浸其中,沒有消失的恐懼。是的。因為這些東西並不難以獲得,且不依賴於某種轉瞬即逝的多巴胺波,你無法再重新獲得。但我認為你所說的非常到位。不過,我一直把社交媒體視為一種廣告。這實際上就是它的本質。毫無疑問。關於廣告,我認為有兩件事應該大聲說出來。一是廣告是文化的夢想生活。就像是理想的追求。它所傳遞的觀念是,這就是啤酒喝的人所看起來的樣子。你知道,他們過得很愉快,和朋友在一起。這就代表了喝這種啤酒的男性形象。那麼,你是哪一種男人呢?這是開 BMW 的人所看起來的樣子,與這是開現代、斯巴魯或吉普的駕駛者的樣子。這就是文化的夢想生活。我認為這有巨大的價值。對於我們幻想自己成為什麼樣子來說,是有巨大價值的。因為,每當我在進行談判時,作為一名專業的談判者和訴訟律師,我對你是誰並不僅感興趣。我關心的是你希望我認為你是誰,以及你認為自己是誰和你想成為誰,對吧?所以廣告,社交媒體,它是文化的夢想生活。但是這裡有一件我們不太喜歡談論的事情。廣告的核心是療法的對立面。如果療法的目標是為一個人創造健康感和完整感,好吧,廣告則是相反的。你並不完美。你並不完美。你可能可以完美。你可能可以。你有的話,你本該更好。你很好。真的。你很好。這是真的。其實非常美好。但是如果,廣告的目的本質上是要告訴你,你不行。你不行。你可以做到。贖回對你來說是可能的。對,這就是潛台詞。你不行。如果你做了 X、Y 或 Z,或得到了這一切。那麼或許你就能更好。你會更好得多。因此,社交媒體是同樣的情況。你不行。也許如果你做對比療法、蒸汽房、計劃,會更好。你知道,也許如果你多攝取一些肌酸,你會更好。你目前可以,但還可以更好。所以,每天不斷地承受著我們理想生活的轟炸,我的想像,老實說,又讓人感到振奮,以某些方式對人們是有好處的。但是如果每天都在被你不行,不行的宣告淹沒,這對於人類來說並不是一種正常的狀態。因此,我認為,某種程度上,我們認為浪漫關係十分吸引人,因為你能關上門,而這個人,對你說,你很好,你很好,我有了你。這正是我所需要的。對,因為我有你。這正是我所需要的。像誰呢?對,這是一個多麼溫暖、奇妙的地方。特別是,當外面寒冷時,待在一個溫暖的房子裡是多麼美好。當外面下雨時,待在一個乾燥的房子裡是多麼舒適。好吧,當你生活在一個信息變成垃圾,從各個可能的角度向你襲來,沒有上下文,且每一件事都是一則廣告,告訴你哪裡有問題時,你為何不想關上門,關上窗戶,和某個人以及理想中一兩隻狗待在一起,讓彼此保持溫暖,快樂和愛呢?而且,順便提一下,那就在那裡。它是如此可及。你不需要購買很多東西。你不需要,那麼多。如果你擁有愛,擁有彼此,你就不需要。而且,我認為我們的社會,認為資本主義喜歡愛,是因為它能賣出現代車,也會讓人參與婚禮的工業複合體。它會驅使你去做所有你會做的事。但,這種觀念是,如果我們能找到另一個人,我們可能會意識到這一切都是矩陣。像,我並不需要所有這些來獲得愛。我不需要所有這些去感受愛。愛的那種完整感,當你愛著某人並被他們愛著時。就像,再次說,不用被局限於人類。你是狗。為什麼人們總是說,我們真不配有狗?對。因為你的狗根本不在乎你開什麼車,或者你做什麼,或者你是否有六塊腹肌。他們不在乎。像,他們只是愛你。而你在某種程度上愛著他們,這是難以置信的。再一次,你有沒有注意到,人們總是說,哦,這個我在談戀愛的人。像,他們在變老。他們的身體不再那麼健美,或者他們已經不再了——你有沒有看過你的狗,心裡想,我得去弄隻小狗,天啊,這隻狗變老了。像,這隻狗的——不,就只是越來越感激。這只是越來越深刻。就好像你那條褲子,每年都覺得變得更舒服。愛——這就是愛可以是,也應該是的。
    不過,再一次,它在某種程度上需要那種生態系統的噪音,那種不斷地提醒你「你不行,你不行」的聲音,我們可以找出一種方法把音量調低,並把關注的重點提高,看看我們在這裡共同滋養的是什麼。
    再次強調,這可能不會賣出那麼多汽車。
    也可能不會賣出那麼多啤酒。
    可能不會——你知道,但這沒關係。
    這就是完整感,那種完整感。
    對我來說,這種深層的聯結讓一切都變得有意義。
    你所描述的非常吸引人。
    而當你說,兩個人共處在牢籠裡,也許還有一些狗,如果再放進一部智慧型手機,那會是完全不同的畫面。
    這完全改變了生態系統。
    你知道,我不是想要破壞氣氛,但你所描述的真的很美。
    而且,你知道,如果我回想起我曾經擁有的浪漫關係中的最佳時刻,那就是最近幾年,駕駛加州海岸的一段,沒有人手機信號的地方。
    那種帶來的和平。
    你知道,總是那些簡單的時刻。
    是的。
    一直都是。
    幾乎任何人,如果你問他們,真正地問他們,什麼時候是你感受到最愛的時刻?
    他們的答案會讓你驚訝。
    幾乎不花任何代價。
    幾乎不——你知道,我們都曾參加過《首席執行官的日記》,你知道,斯蒂夫·巴特利特。
    我們都與斯蒂夫有友誼。
    他問我其中一個問題是,你在生活中什麼時候感覺到最被愛?
    我立刻知道答案。
    那是一個最傻的答案,但卻是最誠實的。
    我講了一個故事,講述我小時候,我們偶爾會吃比薩。
    而你知道,比薩是切成若干片的。
    我記得我和我的朋友湯米在吃比薩,我爸——那片數量是個奇數。
    我爸吃了一片,而我們兩個小男孩就狼吞虎嚥地吃掉了三、四片。
    所以只剩下一片了。
    當然,他和我都在看著那片,儘管我們已經吃了三、四片比薩,而我爸只吃了一片。
    我爸說,嗯,你們可以吃那片。
    於是我和我的朋友分享了那最後一片。
    幾個星期後,我在他家點了比薩。
    而他的爸爸就像吃掉了最後一片比薩。
    他吃了比我們還多的片數。
    我記得看著他,心想,我爸絕對不會這樣做。
    我記得想,哦,他愛我。
    就像我深感他非常愛我。
    我知道他想要那片比薩。
    但他看到我再吃一片比薩時感受到的喜悅,遠比他渴望那片比薩的饑餓更強烈。
    那是愛最純粹的表達。
    而且,大多數人,如果你問他們,什麼時刻在你的浪漫關係中讓你感受到愛或內心的喜悅?
    就像,天啊,我寧願在這裡而不是世界的任何地方。
    答案不會是我們在最貴的餐廳,或我們正有著最驚人的性愛。
    聽著,你會對所有這些事情有美好的回憶。
    但那是一些小小的聯結時刻,或者只是握住這個人的手,或是在一起時看夕陽的時候,燈光照射在他們身上的方式。
    對我來說,當然,現代的消費文化不會強迫你接受這些,因為你不需要任何東西。
    你不需要購買任何東西來體驗那種感覺。
    你不需要做任何事,除了找到另一個人並愛他們,然後讓他們愛你。
    而那並不需要很多的花費。
    我想先暫停一下,並感謝我們的一位贊助商,Function。
    去年,我成為Function的一員,因為我在尋找最全面的實驗室測試方法。
    Function提供超過100項先進的實驗室測試,為你提供整體健康的關鍵快照。
    這個快照讓你了解心臟健康、荷爾蒙健康、免疫功能、營養水平等多個方面。
    他們最近還增加了針對有害塑料的BPA暴露和PFAS或永久化學物質的毒素測試。
    Function不僅提供超過100項對你的身體和心理健康至關重要的生物標記測試,還分析這些結果並提供來自相關領域的醫生的見解。
    例如,在我與Function的第一次測試中,我發現我的血液中的汞濃度升高。
    Function不僅幫助我檢測到這一點,還提供了如何最佳降低汞水平的見解,其中包括限制我的金槍魚攝入——我一直吃了很多金槍魚——同時努力多吃葉子蔬菜,並補充NAC和乙醯半胱氨酸,這兩者都能支持谷胱甘肽產生和排毒。
    我必須說,通過進行第二次Function測試,這個方法有效。
    綜合血液測試是至關重要的。
    有很多與你的心理和身體健康相關的事物只能在血液測試中檢測到。
    問題是,血液測試一直非常昂貴而且複雜。
    相比之下,我對Function的簡便性和成本水平印象深刻。
    它非常實惠。
    因此,我決定加入他們的科學咨詢委員會,我很高興他們贊助這個播客。
    如果您想嘗試Function,可以訪問functionhealth.com/huberman。
    Function目前有超過250,000人候補名單,但他們正在為Huberman播客的聽眾提供提前訪問。
    再次強調,那是functionhealth.com/huberman,以獲得Function的提前訪問。
    我的思緒回憶起許多愉快的回憶和例子。
    好的。
    這樣很不錯。
    我喜歡你的比薩示例。
    我也簡單提一個。
    我曾經和某人長期交往。
    我們依然保持著非常好的關係。
    我們還在這個特定的時刻一同歡笑和愉悅。
    洛杉磯這裡有一家餐廳,我們曾經常光顧,但現在已經關閉,不過那裡還在。
    每當我駛過那裡時,就會想起這件事。
    我總是想起這件事。
    而你也會想起她。
    我想到了她。
    我們交往的時候,還是初期的戀愛。
    是啊。
    我記得她對她的咖啡要奶油,然後放進去的奶油量比一般人通常加的要多一些。
    我就說,你的咖啡要加一點奶油。
    她說,其實我想把整瓶都倒進去,但我想要表現得有禮貌。
    試著成為一面鏡子。
    我說,全部倒進去。
    不假思索,她就把整瓶奶油倒進去了。
    我們到現在仍然在笑這件事。
    我記得那一瞬間對我來說是如此的解放,因為那一刻我知道她放鬆到可以這樣做。
    這是如此搞笑,只有我們清楚原因。
    而人們可能會困惑為什麼這會如此有意義。
    我想他們不會明白。
    對我而言,那是一個瞬間,我不想揭露她是誰。
    我生活中的人會知道。
    但她對生活有著如此的熱情。
    是啊。
    就像是全力以赴。
    是啊。
    所有事情都全速前進。
    是啊。
    就像,我愛奶油。
    我想要整瓶奶油。
    這是她給自己的許可。
    所以我仍然因為這件事情而感到愉悅。
    這些小事情。
    真好。
    我想你在描述比薩的示例或我的例子時,我清楚地意識到,像戀情初期或某次大假期或事件的記憶。
    這是美好的。
    那些東西可以激發一種渴望,與一種感謝同等重要。
    當然。
    就像你想再次擁有它。
    而對我而言,這聽起來或許有些傻的關於咖啡裡的奶油或比薩的事,卻依然保留著。
    不是說你想再次擁有它。
    是啊。
    你擁有那個。
    這是你的。
    它永遠不會消失。
    我認為這些事情在生物學和心理學上都有著非常深刻的意義,因為我認為它們鞏固了我們記憶中的非常重要的支柱。
    就好像我們依然擁有它們一樣。
    看看你描述的方式或我描述的方式。
    首先,這個例子一點也不傻。
    你只是這麼說,像是,噢,我舉的這個傻例子,真的一點也不傻。
    我完全懂。
    在你講述那個故事的時候,我一直在微笑,因為它太可愛了。
    因為那是什麼?
    是親密感。
    親密感的定義和性無關。
    親密感被定義為能夠在另一個人面前完全做自己。
    而她當時在做什麼?
    她在做約會中我們所有人都會做的事情。
    在那些初期的日子裡,我們的個性受到控制。
    你知道的,一切都是,好的,我會,這樣,難道這是撒謊嗎?
    不。
    化妝是撒謊嗎?
    不。
    它強調了積極的,淡化了消極的。
    這不是謊言。
    如果有人化了妝然後卸妝,我不會說,你是個騙子。
    睫毛可不是這樣的。
    你是個騙子。
    不,看看,你是在試著給我留下好印象。
    我懂。
    你在試著,是的,但最終你會看到這個人素顏的樣子。
    最終,你會發現她在咖啡裡加了瘋狂多的奶油。
    但這正是我們喜歡別人的地方。
    讓他們變得人性化的就是這個。
    她在咖啡裡加了這麼多奶油。
    這對我來說是如此奇怪。
    真是可笑。
    但是,讓我告訴你。
    當你駛過那裡時,你仍然會想起她。
    你會想起那一刻。
    那是一項永遠都會獲得回報的投資。
    你會永遠記得這件事。
    而且,順便說一下,回憶起這個親密時刻並不是對未來關係的背叛,因為這個人感到足夠被愛和舒適,可以說,對,我要去掉這個面具。
    我要讓你看到我喜歡瘋狂多的奶油。
    我不知道為什麼我喜歡這麼多奶油,但我就是喜歡。
    這樣會讓我顯得奇怪嗎?
    這樣可以嗎?
    然後你說,對,隨便啊。
    不管怎樣。
    就像,我甚至不使用奶油,但隨便,做你自己。
    這是我們都渴望的感覺,就是這種感覺:對,你並不瘋狂。
    你讓我明白。
    你很明白。
    你並不只是我。
    我們非常不同,但你讓我明白。
    你知道的,我感到被理解。
    對我來說,這就是全部。
    所以如果你說,嗯,這就是我們在早期時候的狀態,那就是基準。
    如果我們不再對彼此感到那種眩暈,那我們就是做錯了。
    好吧。
    那麼,這樣就設定了不可能的標準。
    這就像說,我現在的狀態不如25歲時,所以我一定做錯了什麼。
    不,生物體不會這樣改變。
    它不會那樣進化。
    事情的本質就是應該是這樣的。
    它應該融合或發展成不同的事物。
    但是,再次,關於這是什麼,樣子是什麼進行對話,這是保留最好的方式。
    我認為,結婚的開始是,我們不會談任何那些。
    我們不會去看那任何東西。
    我們只是相愛。
    這是唯一重要的。
    我們只是相愛。
    這是唯一重要的。
    讓我們談談其他的事情。
    這樣,對我來說,你是在自我損害。
    一開始就要創造這樣的模式:我們只是要說出來。
    我們只是要說出來。
    我們只是要說我們在做什麼,對吧?
    我們做的事,那以錯誤的方式被解讀了。
    因為這樣,像你我之間是朋友。
    如果,如果你傷害了我的感情,如果我們進行了一次對話,而你說了什麼讓我受傷。
    我知道你不是故意的。
    我們是朋友。
    我知道你不想傷害我。
    我也不想傷害你。
    你是我的朋友。
    我明白這一點,但我可能會在某些時候說一些話。
    這傷害了你。
    而我並不是有意的,你知道嗎?
    那你該怎麼辦?
    背負著這些情緒?
    只是不要大聲說出來。
    因為對Jimmy來說,說這些是讓人不舒服的。
    他會對自己對我說了那件事感到不好,因為我不高興。
    所以我會把這情緒藏在心裡。
    如果你曾經在一段長期的浪漫關係中,就像我們生活中都有的那樣,
    在某些時候,你正在為了一些非常平常的事情爭論,比如說從這裡到Calabasas的最佳方式。
    而五分鐘後,卻突然說出“我從來不喜歡你的母親。”
    然後你會問,“我們是怎麼來到這裡的?”
    “你這個情緒藏了多久?”
    “你向這些情緒堅持了多久?”
    答案是,自從那天發生以來。
    那為什麼不早早建立一個框架,如果有些事情走錯了,我不是說要糾結於此。
    我不是說立即指出來讓人防禦。
    但是,如果你,如果我說,我現在告訴你,作為我的朋友,如果有一天我說的話讓你受傷,我知道我不是故意的。
    我知道我不是故意的。
    所以我提前告訴你,我很抱歉。
    我很抱歉。
    因為我知道我不是故意要傷害你。
    這並不意味我所說的不是真的。
    也許這是真的。
    也許這是公正的批評,但我知道我不是故意要傷害你。
    我知道。
    因為我愛你。
    所以如果你是我的朋友,而我愛你,我不是故意要傷害你。
    我確信這一點。
    那麼為什麼我們一開始不這樣呢?
    這就是我喜歡婚前協議的原因,因為一開始,我們就來談談這個。
    我們彼此對對方的意義是什麼?
    我們彼此欠對方的是什麼?
    這種關係的基準是什麼?
    我們之間的價值交換是什麼?
    隨著我們的成長和變化,我們將如何保持彼此之間最有意義的部分?
    你能給一些婚前協議的例子嗎?
    嗯,除了像億萬富翁那樣的極端情況,和擁有19隻吉娃娃之類的。
    天哪,誰會有19隻吉娃娃,但這的確很有抱負。
    我一位巴西柔術老師保羅·施賴納有著,相當多的吉娃娃。
    他拯救吉娃娃,我非常佩服。
    我猜斯蒂芬·科特勒也有很多吉娃娃,他參與了很多關於“心流”的文學和流行寫作。
    對。
    而他告訴我,在某個非美國的國家,他們翻譯了一本書,有人開了一個玩笑,書的標題翻譯成“吉娃娃人”。
    我喜歡這個。
    或類似的東西。
    好吧,如果你想想吉娃娃,這是公平的,因為如果你把20隻吉娃娃黏在一起,它仍然不是一件了不起的事情。
    你明白我的意思嗎?
    從體型上來說,質量在體積上都是如此。
    我喜歡所有的狗。
    我喜歡所有的狗。
    我喜歡所有的狗。
    為了澄清,我不是在進行政治正確的說法。
    我對獵犬偏好,但我喜歡所有的狗。
    是呀。
    你我為什麼是朋友是有原因的。
    我們婚前協議中的基本框架。
    因為我能想像如果我們分手,你會得到X amount的……等等。
    是的,可能包含很多這樣的內容。
    是的,或許列出一些像法庭的……法庭的要點。
    所以,為了做到這一點,你知道你正在做什麼,我們正在這裡進行婚前協議的諮詢。
    我經常做這些。
    太好了。
    所以第一件事,你正好免費獲得這個。
    我意思是這個相當不錯。
    通常是850。
    所以我會說,為了理解合同的作用,你首先要了解,在沒有該合同的情況下,你擁有什麼權利?
    對吧?
    大多數合同,這是相當簡單的。
    像我將要租一輛車。
    我知道在沒有那份車租合同的情況下,他們有車子,而我有錢。
    對吧?
    所以這是一個非常簡單的合同,因為無論合同是什麼,我們都想要相同的東西。
    他們想要我的錢,而我想要他們的車。
    所以現在我們只是想弄清楚條款是什麼,該如何將它們成文化。
    然後我們將討論一些可能出錯的情況。
    如果我停止付款怎麼辦?
    如果我從經銷商那裡開出車輛,而車輪掉下來了怎麼辦?
    好吧,現在我們就必須開始用一些想像力來思考在這些意外情況下該怎麼辦。
    但在核心,這是一個簡單的合同,我想要車。
    你有車。
    你想要錢。
    我有錢。
    我們來搞定這件事。
    如果我們能幫上忙,則其他人會拿到車,而其他人會拿到我的錢。
    我們會沒事的。
    在總體安排中。
    對吧?
    所以這是同樣的事情。
    好吧?
    情況是這樣的。如果我們不結婚,我們都知道這個是簡單的。
    對吧?
    我們都知道我們相愛。我們很快樂。我們在一起,享受彼此的陪伴。
    現在我們不會結婚。會發生什麼?
    所以你突然愛情就消失了。整個事情崩潰了。
    我不這麼認為。那樣有點奇怪。
    所以再次,第一件事是我們為什麼會結婚?
    為什麼?
    像,是什麼問題是婚姻的解決方案?
    為什麼告訴另一個人會這麼奇怪?比如我對你說,Andrew,好消息,我要結婚了。
    如果你問,真的,為什麼?像是,安德魯今天怎麼這麼糟糕?這是為什麼呢?我父母對我結婚非常重視。你知道,我和她相處得很好,但她的父母非常虔誠,他們會說,哦,這是一個好的理由。這是結婚的好理由。就像,我們會做一些事情來讓我們的父母或伴侶的父母高興。這沒問題。對我來說這很有道理。我真的認為這裡有一個有效的理由,就是,這是我們結婚的原因。或者我想要結婚所帶來的減稅優惠。真的有減稅優惠嗎?有很可觀的減稅優惠。是的。嗯,在聯邦和州,你可以獲得不同的撫養人免稅額。根據你要賺多少,你會在不同的時候繳納不同的稅款。哦,是的,結婚有很多純粹的財務原因。就像,又是婚前協議,你可以去除風險,卻擁有所有這些好處。你可以申報已婚聯合報稅。如果你想的話,你擁有各種類型的繼承權。結婚有很多潛在的好處,對吧?還有某些文化的合法性。再說一次,另一個人們說結婚的好理由是,嘿,我們會回到那個點。我想確保我們標記那一點,因為事情正在改變,但我同意,總是會有人問,他們以前結過婚嗎?為什麼他們不結婚?有這樣的問題,我們會回到這裡。如果你說,這是我的女朋友,這可能意味著我們剛在一起一週,或者意味著我們已經在一起十年且有了孩子。這暗示著我妻子。這是一個謬論。這太瘋狂了,對吧?僅僅因為我們去過拉斯維加斯花20美元讓艾爾維斯為我們主持婚禮,你就告訴我,這比和一個有兩個孩子的人在一起,和他共度十年卻不讓政府參與,還要有更多的合法性?這對我來說毫無意義,但我們卻決定就像,變變魔術。哦,你結婚了。這意味著你們現在是完全合法的關係。一位家庭成員幾年前告訴我這一點,我不告訴你他們關係的經過,他們說結婚的理由是,這是額外的緩衝,以防當事情變得艱難時有人走掉。是的。是的。你看,我想聽到這個。我知道,如果我們晚上10點到凌晨5點關閉急診室,你覺得人們會不會少做風險更高的事情?你覺得人們會說,嘿,你知道嗎?如果我滑板摔斷了腿,如果急診室關了,我不會這樣,那太瘋狂了。去想那些在多巴胺狀態下的人,因為費洛蒙而陶醉的,他們會說,喔,你知道,我們是合法結婚的。我可能要猜。數據顯示,結婚的數字並不支持這種說法。就目前的離婚率來看,這並不起作用。你想創造障礙,就創造入門的障礙。你有多想要結婚?你必須有一個等候期。或者你必須參加考試,或者必須做點什麼,無論是什麼,某種入門的障礙。要結婚你必須支付一定的金額。我不知道。創造障礙。如果你相信障礙的概念,退出的障礙就沒有意義。入門的障礙可能有意義。再次重申,我仍然不認為這會有那麼大的意義。 不過再回到婚前協議的問題。第一個問題是,你為什麼結婚?好吧,目的是什麼?結婚是解決什麼問題的方案?下一個問題是,如果我們不簽婚前協議,將來如果我們的關係沒有以死亡結束,將會由什麼來管理?如果以其他方式結束,無論是我跟你離婚還是你跟我離婚。我們共同決定這一切行不通。出現了某種干擾情況,改變了我們之間的關係,這是我們無法預測到的,無論是什麼,醫療問題,或是與孩子相關的事情。我曾經有過一些案件,這些都是悲劇性的案件,但在我25年的職業生涯中,我可能只遇過一打案件,人們因為某種悲劇性事故而失去了孩子。比如孩子掉進游泳池淹死了,他們無法再在一起。他們是彼此不斷提醒對方這種無法測量的失去,讓他們無法理解。因而他們失去了彼此,這不是任何人的錯,這不是因為其中一方的過失造成的可怕悲劇。這只是太痛苦了。他們彼此提醒著這種失去。他們再也無法將其從心中抽離。現在,我不會看著那個人說,哇,你絕對不能離婚。離婚是,伙計,我有什麼權利對那個人這麼說?不,不。繼續感受那種折磨的痛苦。哦,去看心理醫生,這樣就能消除這些情緒。這不是那麼簡單。因此,如果那個人經歷了那種特殊、獨特的折磨,那個人會說,嗯,我們就是不能這樣。我們彼此相愛,但我們無法這樣。像是我們必須重新開始,獨立重啟自己的生活,這樣我們就不會再有那種記憶,或者至少減少那種提醒。我對此無能為力,除了告訴你這不是我能告訴你的錯誤選擇。我沒有資格告訴你這一點。因此,有些情況可以結束一段婚姻,這些情況既不是由任何一方的過失造成的,也不是未被預見的,對嗎?所以,現在該怎麼辦,對吧?如果我們知道在缺乏規則的情況下,在沒有婚前協議的情況下,離婚會發生什麼?大多數人根本不會到那一步。
    像大多數人結婚時一樣,他們從不會和任何人坐下來討論,”現在對我而言,法律上會發生什麼?就像剛剛發生了什麼變化?” 你知道,就像你購買房子時,你會收到一份HUD說明,告訴你貸款性質和你每年支付的利息,這樣沒有人可以聲稱他們不知道這些。你會收到鉛漆披露。你會得到各種各樣的文件。結婚時,你可能會拿到一本小冊子。你剛剛做了除了死亡之外,法律上最重要的事情,而沒有人告訴你剛剛發生了什麼。
    所以你已經選擇退出了所有權系統。比如現在,如果你和我一起買房,那麼所有權控制在於,這房子的名稱是誰的?如果是你的名字,那就是你的。如果是我的名字,那就是我的。如果是我們的聯名,那麼我們擁有50-50,除非有合同另有規定,對嗎?因此,若沒有合同,就存在默認情況。這是法律上的默認情況。同樣,律師在利用人們對合同的厭惡上賺取了大量金錢。這太好了。
    當我開始參與值得信賴的婚前協議並告訴人們,我想要讓婚前協議民主化時,我的所有同事都說,你瘋了。嘿,婚前協議是我們做的最簡單的事情,我們從中獲取純利。我們可以收取$5,000、$10,000,對於一份你在Word中進行姓名更換的文件,對很多人來說都是相同的,好嗎?或者我們做過這麼多的協議,以至於我們會說,哦,這跟那份一樣,你只需更改名字,這就是,我可以為此向你收取$5,000、$10,000。如果這成功了,我將從我的口袋裡拿出數十萬美元的律師費,因為你現在不會有爭訟離婚。這不會是與政府目前處理方式的激烈對抗,順便提一下,這和五年前的情況會不一樣。我知道這一點,因為我已經做了25年,法律與25年前、10年前、15年前截然不同。它不斷變化,因為政治家不斷變化。
    所以,婚前協議所發生的根本上是簡單的。我們共同創建一個規則集,不管這會是什麼。它可以詳細到你想要的程度。因此我見過一些協議,裡面有非常具體的內容,比如我們的性生活頻率,還有如果分開會發生什麼——
    真的是具體的要求?其實,這些要么是理想的指導方針,要么某種方式與某些激勵或懲罰相連,比如某種罰款。哦,真的嗎?我不是開玩笑。我不主張這樣做。我認為這不是個好主意。
    但我頻繁講的故事是,我曾經參與過一部婚前協議的辯護,我並不是寫那份婚前協議,所以別怪我。但是我成功地辯護了那份婚前協議,其中規定了每當新娘增加10磅體重,她在分開時每個月會失去10,000美元的贍養費。你在開玩笑吧。真的。法院支持了這個。法院在其決定中還表示,這是粗魯的,這是令人厭惡的。我不知道你為什麼要和這個堅持將此寫入合同的人結婚,但是這是一個合同。你簽了,它簽了。你們都是成年人,你們都有律師代表。這是可以執行的。
    哇。是的。婚姻持續了嗎?不,沒有。他們離婚了。是的。他們離婚了。她每個月失去了20,000美元的贍養費。在婚姻期間,她增加了大約20磅的體重。你認為這是個因素嗎?嗯,他很有錢,而她很美。我是說,你知道的,他變得更富有了,而她變得不那麼漂亮了。但是有很多富有且迷人的搭配。是的,這相當常見。順便提一下,這也是性別盲的。比如你所談的C級高管創始人,像女性創始人,她們通常不會結婚。我知道一些紅藥丸社群的人想說像是婚外戀之類的事情,認為C級女性只會嫁給比她們更成功的男性。我有很多女性客戶,我不得不告訴她們,她們需要支付贍養費。她們會說,等等,為什麼我要付?我是女性,他是男性。他有強壯的背部。為什麼我要支付贍養費?我說,因為你是一名C級高管,年薪數百萬,而你嫁的那位超帥但不成功的音樂家,擁有在意外中卻發現自己挺性感的鬍渣,因為他看起來真的很好看。就像,這是你嫁給了相當於我嫁給熱瑜伽老師的人。我明白這一點。不過,你知道,你做了那件事,而性別與這毫無關係。如果你嫁給賺的錢明顯少於你的人,並且他們的終生賺取能力下降,那麼你可能需要支付贍養費。
    資產的分配總是50-50嗎?一般來說,是的。法律上通常有一個假設,即公平分配,公平的意思是合理,這確實是法律。然而公平的意思通常被假定為平等。在某些原因和情況下,公平並不意味著平等。還可能存在一種稱爲伴侶資產的無效消耗的情況,即某個人浪費了應該留在婚姻財產內的金錢,例如賭博、與情人交往。因此,這是有規則的。但再次重申,回到婚前協議,你正在做的基本上是說,好吧,這是你的,這是我的,這是我們的,對吧?在資產和負債方面。
    這點順便提一下,我認為這對於人際關係的本質是一個很好的類比,對嗎?
    你有你,我有我,然後我們有我們,對嗎?
    在一段健康的關係中,仍然存在你,仍然存在我,然後有一個我們的交集圖,對吧?
    當然,你不希望你和我被我們所淹沒,因為我愛上了你。
    你也愛上了我。
    為什麼我們要完全放棄那部分?
    但當然,這個我們就像你知道的,它是令人陶醉的,你會希望變成我們更多一些。
    但是,保持你我之間的價值以及擁有一個健康的我們,保持一個健康的、你知道的交集,這是很重要的。
    所以,為什麼不在你的婚姻結構中設置,好的,你的、我的和我們的呢?
    從根本上說,如果你想要有一份基本的婚前協議,它只是會說,嘿,我們保持這個系統。
    你、我、我們,對吧?
    你的、我的、我們的。
    如果是你的,你就保留它。
    資產或負債。
    如果是我的,我就保留它。
    資產或負債。
    如果是我們的,我們一人一半分配。
    公平嗎?
    現在我們在了解這套規則的情況下進入這段關係。
    所以我在工作中獲得了一個大獎金,好嗎?
    如果我把它放在我的帳戶中,用我自己的名字,那我就保護了它。
    我們也需要進行一次對話。
    嘿,寶貝,你剛在工作中獲得了那麼大的獎金,卻沒有把任何一部分放進聯名帳戶裡?這是什麼情況?
    有什麼需要我們談談的嗎?
    我明白人們不想要進行不舒服的對話。
    好吧,你可以在整個關係中進行一系列輕微不舒服的對話,或者你可以避免這些,然後在離婚法庭上進行一些非常困難的對話。
    對我來說,這其實很簡單。
    就這兩種選擇來說,我會選擇哪一種?
    所以在其核心,一份婚前協議可以涵蓋很多,比如,人們會在其中加入不忠條款,如果有人出軌會有經濟懲罰。
    再一次,我不建議這樣做。
    經濟懲罰?
    哦,是的。
    哦,是的。
    即使是一次性的賠償金或是如果你被抓到出軌就免除撫養費的約定。
    我意思是,以前的法律是,如果你能證明通姦,當時通常是女性,因為那時的勞動力主要由男性組成。
    如果你能抓住 – 這就是為什麼,像離婚律師旁邊有一個私家偵探,拿著長焦鏡頭拍攝某人從酒店出來的照片,這在每個人的心中永遠都是這樣的。
    因為 – 順便提一下,人們仍然會走進我的辦公室,說,我有證據。
    我有他與他的女朋友從這家酒店出來的照片。
    我說,好吧。
    你知道好配偶的獎勵和壞配偶的懲罰是不存在的,對嗎?
    你不會因為你是一個從不出軌的超級好配偶而得到額外的東西。
    你也不會因為你出軌而失去東西。
    除了可能是婚姻外,你不會失去任何東西。
    不會少得到什麼。
    早些年如果你能證明通姦,就可以免除撫養費。
    所以如果這個人出軌,他們就不能要求撫養費。
    這在1970年代通過法規被廢除。
    所以這現在已經不存在了。
    這已經不再是一回事。
    所以這是無過錯離婚。
    無過錯離婚是法律的規定。
    資產根據婚前協議或法律的法律來分配。
    再次強調,根據現在的法律,這在25年中隨著各州的變化而發生了劇變。
    而在婚前協議中,你同意一套規則。
    你同意 – 如果人們想要同意一些奇怪的條款,比如不忠懲罰等等,你可以這樣做。
    作為律師,我們可以起草這樣的條款。
    誰能得到狗?
    聽著,寵物條款的複雜程度,這真的很有趣,因為當Trusted Prenup團隊在運作時,我顯然是法律顧問。
    所以我真的在提供他們信息,讓他們能夠把我做過的所有婚前協議輸入AI系統。
    我們的技術人員Ben住在澳大利亞,他打電話給我,告訴我,
    你知道嗎,寵物條款實際上是所有事情中最複雜和多樣化的。
    我相信。
    我說,是啊,你有養寵物嗎?
    因為 – 我告訴你,如今,有些人對於寵物的事情投入得非常用心,甚至為寵物制定了監護輪換計劃。
    他們有關於如果對於獸醫決策的衝突該怎麼辦的條款。
    與孩子不同,你更有可能在寵物之前活得更久。
    所以你必須包含條款,以防這只寵物需要安樂死,我們能否一起在場?
    我們對於這隻寵物火化後的遺骸該怎麼辦?
    如果我們無法就散骨的地方達成一致,我們是否應該各自得到一半,然後各自處理?
    這些事情,無論如何都必須進行對話 – 因為問題是。
    如果我們在相互生氣和分手的時候進行這樣的對話,對吧?
    當怒火中的男女無法自持時,你認為這個答案會是對於我們彼此曾經擁有的這只伴侶動物的體貼和深思熟慮的回應嗎?
    不會。
    答案會是我保留骨灰。
    為什麼?
    因為去你的,這就是原因。
    這就是答案。
    我有過人明確表示 – 幾周前我有一個案子,我們進了去,原本是四方討論,但我在做調度。
    所以我在跟妻子和她的律師談話,而我的客戶在另一個會議室。
    這些人擁有大約12處不動產,這是一個非常高淨值的案件。
    抱歉,我無法處理該請求。
    如同,誰說金錢買不到愛呢,他們不知道。這就像一家餐廳。帳單在最後才會來。就像,付賬是在最後,對吧?如果你根據老派方式來做,那就是我們只是將自己置於一個我們不知道規則遊戲中。然後在結束時,我們將讓律師們互相對峙。或者我們會寄希望於不使用對抗制度,能夠在一張桌子上與調解人對坐,牽手唱歌。“Kumbaya”。你所說的真的很重要,請原諒我打斷,但因為我認為在當今社會,這種情況越來越多,我經常聽到類似的說法,例如,我的同事通常會說:“哦,我們結過婚,後來離婚了,但我們有15年真的很美好。我們養活了女兒,他們仍然是朋友,或者至少是友好的。” 他們將那些年回顧,或至少是談論它們,我相信他們懷著很多的懷念,而沒有你所說的這種粗暴的訴訟帶來的重大傷害。所以,這是有婚前協議的另一個理由。
    擁有婚前協議的另一個好理由是,看看,我有一位前妻。我離婚已經20年了。她已經再婚15年了。她是一個很棒的人。她是朋友。我非常在意她。她將永遠是。還有很多我喜愛的人,我不想與她們結婚。她也會這樣描述我。她會說:“我愛吉姆。他是一個很棒的人。他是一位很棒的前夫。”作為一個丈夫,我是一個更好的前夫。這完全是不同的技能組。完全不同的履歷。我是一個出色的前夫。我沒有耐心成為一個好丈夫,但我有耐心成為一個好前夫。我也可以是一個很好的共同父母。我是一位非常好的父親。你知道,成為一位好父親並不需要成為一位好丈夫。這是不同的技能組。就像,你會做菜並不代表你會務農。你知道,這是兩件完全不同的事情。是的,它們都與食物有關,但它們是兩個完全不同的技能組。因此,從根本上來說,我認為事情的結束方式往往會影響你對整體事件的感知和記憶。你作為腦科學家,可以告訴我為什麼這在實際上會對我們留下印記。但我相信,我確信這有某種化學原因,那就是痛苦。我們記住痛苦比快樂多得多。好吧,你知道關於28天形成習慣或成人神經可塑性的所有這些事情。有一種叫做一次性學習的東西,它來得快,並且永遠保持,除非你做些事來逆轉它。而這就是創傷的基礎。是的,壞的、艱難的、痛苦的事情在我們的神經系統中以一次性試驗的方式銘刻下來。是的,遺憾的是在某些情況下。它會塑造你。是的。這會改變你對所有之前的記憶。事實是,丑陋型的離婚就是創傷,沒錯。我涉及了大量的創傷。對每一方、對他們的孩子來說都是創傷。就像,這是一種巨大的創傷。它不必是這樣的。但是,這裡有個問題。沒有一個人會進來我的辦公室,坐在我面前說:“我想這件事情變得複雜又昂貴,並且令人痛苦。我想這件事情持續很長一段時間。我想讓你的孩子上大學,而不是我的。”我只想這變得 miserable。我希望這是一場混亂的表演。每個人來到這裡都說同樣的話:“我想要公平。我只是想公平。我想快速結束這一切。我想要公平。”問題是,他們對公平的定義和他們配偶的公平定義完全不同。完全不同。他們認為彼此欠的完全不同。現在,你們兩人都對彼此持槍。你們都雇了律師。我已經在離婚的每一個問題上爭論過雙方的立場。我在同樣的法官面前爭辯過雙方的立場。我曾經在同一位法官面前,對不同的案件爭辯完全相反的立場。因為這就是我們工作的本質,對吧?而槍在一個有德行的人的手裡是保護性的。在一個壞人的手裡,槍會造成巨大的傷害。但是,槍是中立的。就像,我就是那把槍。有很多我這樣的人在外面。還有,我們是按小時計費的。而且,無論我們贏或輸,我們都會得到報酬。就此而言,個人傷害律師,所有的事情都是沒收費用,除非我們為您贏得賠償。不離婚律師。是的,你的56%的數據讓我想起海軍陸戰隊。有時你會看到他們有紋身,上面寫著,“殺戮是我的工作。”而在另一隻手臂上,他們會寫上,“生意興隆。”生意興隆。你會說離婚率是56%。生意興隆。生意興隆。生意真的很好。事實是,像我不必讓它變得雨下如注,只因為我賣傘。就像,我不是在酒吧裡跟人們說:“嘿,伙計,你可以比她過得更好。”我不需要。人們正好自顧自搞砸自己的關係。不,你是愛的專家。是的。哦,嗯,我碰巧是。但即使是我的同事,我們也不會支持離婚,這就像腫瘤學家不會支持癌症一樣。而當人們對我說:“哦,你怎麼能在他人的摧毀生活和心碎中謀生。”就像,“好吧,我的媽媽得過癌症。” 我並沒有看看腫瘤學家,然後說,“好吧,我敢打賭,你們賺取我媽媽的癌症的錢時感到很好。”就像,不,我明白他們的存在,因為這樣的事情存在,他們在那裡試著做他們能做的來幫助。
    順便提一下,有很多人離婚的方式和你描述你朋友的離婚,以及我描述我的離婚一樣。你就是聽不到這些故事。你知道為什麼嗎?因為這是最無趣的事情。你覺得這有趣嗎?比如說,如果你邀請我去參加一個派對,有人問我,哦,你做什麼工作的?我說,我是一名離婚律師。他們會說,哦,我的天啊,你一定有一些故事。我就會說,哦,天啊,我有這一個。
    所以有一對情侶,他們相愛,當時年紀還很輕。然後逐漸地,他們只想要不同的東西。他們成熟成為不同的人,漸漸失去了彼此相處的方向。他們之間共同的興趣和快樂的韌圖越來越小。因此,他們友好地決定,知道應該結束這段關係,但也希望能夠很好地共同撫養孩子。你會覺得,這是最糟的故事。而如果我說,然後他拿著電鋸把車子切成兩半,然後說,選你想要的那一半,婊子。那是一個你會說,哦,我的天啊,吉姆,你必須告訴這個傢伙這個故事的故事。你想聽那個故事。那樣更有趣。
    對了,有一些人經歷了醜陋的離婚,這是如此的創傷,以至於成為了他們人格的一部分,就像,這成了一種他們看待整個世界的視角。這對他們的信任破壞得很厲害,他們因此受到重創。而且這是一場鬥爭。我經常… 是的,當所有事情結束時,他們幾乎不知道該怎麼面對自己。對孩子和寵物的影響。是的。
    順便提一下,大多數人類,我們都知道,當他們告訴你他們的人生故事時,他們是故事的英雄。或者受害者。或者受害者,對吧?我喜歡我們友誼的一個原因就是,你和我都非常清楚我們自己的缺陷和認知偏差。因此,當我們互相交流時,你知道的,我最喜歡的人是那些喜歡現實的人,知道自己在某種程度上与現實的交集。因此,我不必害怕與他們坦率直接地交談。我認為在婚姻和離婚中,如果你講述的故事是,對,我本可以做得更好。我真的搞砸了,但你知道的,我在這方面做得不錯。你知道,她在這件事上不公平。當你講述的故事中你不是故事的英雄時,就更具可信度,就我而言。我說這是以一名講故事謀生的人來看,在法庭上,試圖讓自己的表述盡可能有說服力。
    我總是告訴我的客戶,如果你把自己塑造成英雄,讓其他人變成反派,你就會失去大量的可信度。每個人都必須是一個有缺陷的英雄,一個擁有某些積極特徵的反派。這是一個更可信的現實故事。就像為什麼小孩的電視節目裡,總會有反派,當反派出現時音樂就會變得陰暗,而英雄是全好的,但成年後,我們不想要那樣。我們想要《絕命毒師》。我們想要反英雄。我們想要複雜的英雄。我們想要讓我們略感同情的反派,像小丑。我們理解,因為我們可以感同身受。對。
    因為我們知道,那就是我們實際的樣子。順便提一下,這也是我們伴侶的樣子。因此,這種觀念,比如說,把他打扮成燕尾服,把她打扮成白色婚紗,然後每個人都是英雄,這種想法有點傻。這也是我認為,變得有毒並使一個人定義自身的憤怒,不必這樣。如果在戀愛的討論早期,我們只是正常化這個想法,你是一個人,我也是一個人,我們都有缺陷,有希望,有恐懼,有做對的事情,有做錯的事,我們會改變。如果你想這樣劈開,我們會以好壞的方式改變。
    所以,我們如何為這棵植物澆水?我們如何保持這個關係健康而有活力?我們如何進行工作檢查?你有工作,有表現回饋,對吧?你有某種系統提供反饋,告訴你做得對和錯的地方,或者有獎金結構讓你有切身利益。那麼,以這樣的方式看待我們的關係,為什麼這樣會讓它變得不浪漫?去說,嘿,檢查一下這些東西是很重要的。定期進行預防性維護也很重要。如果你對我說,哦,我要去換車油,我會說,什麼,你不信任你的車?不。什麼,你的車便宜?不。當然,預防性維護是合理的。這比等到出現問題然後試圖解決要好多了。
    我認為這是關於自我的一個問題,對吧?在所謂的傳統約會舞蹈中,有一個東西是,當人們還沒開始互相批評,還未對那些運行不良的事情發表意見時,這是一種錯誤的現實,對吧?你只能看到好的一面。他們只看到好的一面。而這讓人感覺良好。嗯,當然。只有看到好的那一面,哪有不好的呢?就像預告片是電影中最精彩的部分。如果你看了預告片,然后說,哦,我的天啊,這部預告片真棒。難道你沒有看過一個預告片,然后說,哦,我的天啊,我迫不及待想看這部電影嗎?然後你看了這部電影,然後發現,真糟糕。唯一好的場景就是出現在那兩分鐘的預告片中。那麼,你認為約會是什麼?約會就是預告片。
    對了,如果預告片不怎麼樣,那這部電影真的會很糟糕。
    是啊。
    感情更像是《狩鹿者》之類的東西。
    其實,它很漫長,且非常複雜。
    裡面有些時刻讓你想,「我不知道這是什麼意思,
    但我已經上車了,那就一起走吧,對吧?」
    是啊。
    向能看完全片《狩鹿者》的人致敬。
    這是一部偉大的電影,但確實非常漫長。
    但確實需要一些時間才能看完。
    讓我們把話題轉向電影,當作一件嚴肅的事。
    好的。
    幾年前,我在某個播客上看到你,你在談論電影《真愛至上》。
    哦,當然。
    當然。
    我愛那部電影。
    任何在九十年代的青少年或二十多歲的人都會記得那部電影。
    每個夠成熟的人都應該看看那部電影。
    當有人知道那部電影時,我就特別激動。
    那真是一部太棒的電影。
    裡面有好多東西。
    真是太神奇了。
    蓋瑞·奧德曼。
    蓋瑞·奧德曼,影史上最偉大的場景。
    邁克爾·拉普波特在那部電影中太搞笑了。
    布拉德·皮特也在裡面。
    他有一個小場景。
    我想昆汀·塔倫天奴也客串了。
    昆汀·塔倫天奴可能客串了。
    他寫的劇本。
    他有個客串。
    無論如何,這是一部不可思議的電影。
    還有帕特里夏·阿奎特,她真是太棒了。
    克里斯汀·斯雷特也是他最酷的時期。
    是啊。
    非常非常酷的電影。
    而你提出的觀點很優秀,這並不會洩露劇情。
    所以不需要警告劇透,因為這部電影的本質其實是
    關於某人看到別人身上的某些東西或一系列的特質
    並且認為這些特徵是了不起的。
    是啊。
    我不想透露更多了。
    我想,您知道的……
    是的。
    只是對古怪與獨特的那種欣賞。
    電影中的兩位主角,在不透露任何事的情況下,都是有缺陷的。
    就像,他們真的有深深的缺陷。
    以任何傳統的定義來看,他們都不是你會說,「哦,這是完美的浪漫伴侶」。
    實際上正好相反。
    是啊。
    他們的歷史本身就足以讓人想要走開。
    在紙面上,有很多理由讓人想離開這個人。
    然後他們相遇了。
    並且產生了這種即時的真愛。
    有一種感覺,就是,「我看到了你真正的樣子」。
    所有那些在紙上的負面東西,其實都毫無意義,因為那不是你真正的樣子。
    我看到了你的樣子。
    我為你加油。
    你太酷了。
    就是真實的情況。
    對我來說,這部電影因為這個理由依然經得起考驗。
    因為這是一種被看見的感覺,無論是所有的瑕疵和缺陷。
    並且只是說,我看到了你。
    而你看到了我。
    是你和我。
    是你和我。
    讓我們一起做這個。
    比如,你知道的,讓我們牽手一起走這條路。
    這是一場你無法贏的遊戲。
    而我們將竭盡全力去玩它。
    讓我們把這件事做完。
    沒有比這更好的了。
    是啊,你抓住了要點。
    你精確地描述了它。
    而我覺得,與你所描述的社交媒體作為一種渴望的生活廣告,尤其是不太可能實現的生活,
    我長期以來都覺得,電影、電視、書籍和音樂
    其實都是你剛才描述的那種獨特性和古怪性關係的廣告。
    沒有任何通用的內容。
    即使結婚的決定,法律的聯結,你知道的,婚姻就是婚姻就是婚姻。
    我意思是,根據州和情況有些微妙之處,但這些都是獨特的。
    合適的人找到了彼此。
    所以對那幅畫面來說,真的有些很美麗和特別的東西,對吧?
    真愛,對嗎?
    就像看到古怪、平凡的事情,正如你所說的,隊友的視角,對吧?
    一加一等於三。
    這有著巨大的價值。
    巨大的價值。
    這與我認為很多人現在的經歷形成了鮮明的對比,他們有自己的關係,
    但同時他們還可以通過社交媒體看到所有這些其他關係的視覺和電影的接觸。
    他們總是面臨着其他人的選擇,至少他們的生活是這樣存在的。
    所以我相信,再次,生物學家的我認為這會設置一種渴望,想要某種自己所沒有的東西。
    因為最終,我們談論的所有美好事物,無論是狗、還是某個人、或是比薩故事、奶精故事等等,
    都是關於沉浸於已經擁有的完整性中,而不是需要更多或渴望更多。
    所以你會說社交媒體,無論如何,我的意思是,我在社交媒體上教課,你也在社交媒體上,
    但說實話,它在某種程度上可能對感謝、忠誠等事情是有毒的,
    不僅僅是因為你可以在那裡認識人,而且因為它所產生的渴望。
    你知道,在你說這些時候,我所能反思的,
    就是你在播客上曾經談到的有關色情和它對我們的影響、對性、對我們的多巴胺,以及所有其他事情的先前對話。
    是的,因為年輕人總是來問我這個問題。
    浪漫喜劇就是色情。
    這就是所有的浪漫喜劇。
    聽著,我不是說有一個理想的浪漫理想沒有意義,但大多數浪漫喜劇並不是真愛,
    他們的故事是兩個有缺陷的角色……
    你知道,大多數浪漫喜劇就像一個理想,對吧?
    它們是一個浪漫化的理想,順便說一句,在現實開始介入之前就結束了。
    所以像是,如果你想想傑克,我忘了凱特·溫絲蕾的角色是什麼,但如果你認為他在《泰坦尼克號》的結尾活下來,
    再過幾年後,她不會說,「好吧,夠了,別再畫法國女孩了。你必須找工作,夥計。」
    像是,你告訴我,這些電影,尤其是浪漫喜劇,它們通常以那種高潮結束,我愛你,我一直都愛你,我也愛你。然後就結束了。它們從來不需要一起生活。你永遠不用看到他們在 Trader Joe’s 排隊時,為買什麼而爭吵的實際情境。你知道的——他不會去找其他人。他不會再去找其他人。他不會坐在沙發上滑手機,當她試著跟他說話時。哦,那她就超過年齡限制了。對,完全是。就像 Menudo 一樣。他一過20歲就出局。這會讓我有麻煩。
    嗯,我想這不是公開的知識。所以我覺得最核心的問題是,聽著,我不是說讓我們擺脫色情。就我有兩個兒子。他們現在已經成年了。但是當他們還是小孩的時候,到了某個年齡,他們有手機、有 iPad,我們有互聯網。我當時想,他們會接觸到色情,因為這種情況跟我那個年紀的情況完全不同。當我那個年紀的時候,你必須交換某些東西,才能借到別人的父親的色情雜誌看一天。你不可能隨便上任何設備,就被各種癖好淹沒。是的,這是不可想像的。甚至無法理解。我不知道這會產生什麼影響。我的意思是,你比我更清楚。你也已經非常有口才地談論過這方面,談到這對人體的影響。但是我可以告訴你,這確實在人的心中創造了一種,如果你的性教育是色情,那麼你在實際的性關係中會非常艱難。
    順便提一下,我看過色情片,也有過性經驗。性並不像色情片那樣,但它非常美好。就像非常有趣一樣,這是最有趣的事情。所以我不知道為什麼有人會覺得,噢,我們需要讓它變得更好。性是很棒的,就這樣。性本身就能銷售性,你不需要在其上加那麼多東西。我理解原因,當然,因為你想要,就像他們在快餐店對薯條所做的,想出讓它們更具吸引力的辦法。我明白。但是,浪漫喜劇也是同樣的道理。浪漫喜劇是所有事情中最好的一部分的理想化、風格化的版本,就像色情一樣。
    所以,如果你把你的關係,特別是你的性關係建立在色情或看起來很好的電影上,你就等於在為心碎而鋪路。所以對於浪漫喜劇也是如此。也許像是,我遇到了我的靈魂伴侶,那就是我的靈魂伴侶。然後一切都是完美的,並且保持完美。如果不完美,那麼他們一定就不是我的靈魂伴侶。所有這些,都是色情。所有這些都是在展示夢想生活,只展示那些理想化、完美的部分。然後說服人們,這就是應該的樣子。如果它不那樣看,那麼你就不會有滿足感。事實是,人們是有缺陷的,但我們想要的都是相同的。
    我們想要,聽著,我不相信這樣的路徑:我要擁有50輛車,同樣,你和我都知道有些男人,他們擁有你想要的所有車,可以和無數美麗的女人發生關係,一次三個四個都可以。但他們不快樂。他們極度不快樂。我是那些淨資產是我們兩人的百倍的人的代表,但他們卻很痛苦,因為他們沒有愛。他們沒有與另一個人之間的基本連結。他們不知道作為某人愛的對象的自我感,也不知道愛帶來的價值,而這一點是根基。就像看一個嬰兒,看看他們怎麼看著母親。就像「媽媽」是孩子嘴裡上帝的名字。這就意味著這個人愛我,想要給我最好的東西。就像我們未完全形成,卻有這個人愛著我們,對吧?所以我們當然總在尋找那種愛,那種連結。有些人找到了,但他們找到它的方式不是通過童話故事。不是通過浪漫化的色情。而是通過現實主義。
    我認為我聽到這麼多年輕男性談論他們與色情的挑戰的原因之一,就是這告訴我他們已經默默地依賴色情,或是某些元素讓他們所謂的「上癮」,或至少是以一種強迫的方式與之相處。此外,我也坦白地聽到很多女性對約會應用感到沮喪,我認為人們非常害怕,這在很大程度上是因為你所描述的社交媒體和其他媒體的影響,但也由於一切現在如此廣泛地共享,人們害怕展現任何缺陷或真實的自我,除非是他們可以利用來讓自己看起來更具吸引力的類型。因為,你知道,如果他們出去約會,或者假設他們分享第一次親吻之類的,如果他們不是一個好的接吻者,那麼,她會告訴她所有的朋友,或更糟糕的是,會把這放到應用中,甚至可能洩露他的名字,或者他會和她上床,甚至可能偷偷與別人分享照片。我的意思是,這些事情是非法的,簡直是對信任的侵犯。就像是那種信任的契約,純粹是,我也說不上來,缺乏更好的詞,這有點像是一種精神契約,你會說,「嘿,聽著,我不知道這是否會成功,你也不知道這是否會成功。」
    我願意以一種健康的方式下注,冒著我自己安全的風險,揭露一些不怎麼光彩的事情,也許你會這樣做,也許不會。但我覺得即使如此,我也會覺得好過。就這樣落地。這在如今看起來似乎更少見。對啊,因為這很勇敢,真的很勇敢。我從小就希望能勇敢,我渴望成為勇敢的人。我小時候的英雄來自《最後的莫希干人》,對吧?還有那個孤獨的步槍手,他們都是武士,在那些電影裡,比如宮本武藏的電影,所有那些類型的電影。如果你不害怕,那就不算勇敢。只有當你害怕但仍然去做,這才算勇敢。這就是讓勇氣冒出來的東西。而現在我們不再教導年輕男性的就是這一點,就像是,我們知道這很可怕。只是隨便說說,女性沒有任何意義,女性只是可有可無的,她們就像iPhone。我要一個新的,會有不同的功能,這再好不過了。你認為安德魯·泰特(Andrew Tate)勇敢嗎?安德魯·泰特勇敢是因為他打泰拳,那很勇敢。與另一個男人在地面上,赤手空拳,來吧,這很勇敢。但身邊有一堆女性且不對其中任何人承諾,對任何人不脆弱,這有什麼勇敢的呢?這一點都不勇敢。真正的勇敢是我會給你傷害我的彈藥,我會給你傷害我的能力,而我,儘管害怕,還是會這樣做。這就是讓它變得勇敢的原因。我覺得在這個文化中,我們已經失去了這一點。而這就是我認為顛倒的地方。我們會說,哦,婚前協議,婚前協議是反方向的,因為婚前協議是你在說,我不相信這件事。只有在你這樣做的情況下它才有效,這太瘋狂了。這像是說,如果你不信任你所在州的立法機構,那你就不勇敢,這太瘋狂了。和另一個人的命運融合在一起是勇敢的,讓某人看到你害怕的東西、你期望的東西和你渴望的東西是勇敢的。這一切都是,離婚是親密的武器化。我這麼說是因為我曾與成千上萬經歷過這一切的人一起待在那個房間裡。我是說,那個人所經歷的痛苦和恐懼,他們在低聲對你耳語,告訴你他們最害怕的事,而你在信任他們時透露了所有的事情。現在他們會在公開場合,法庭上用這些來反對你。天啊,我感謝上天,我不知道這樣對我會有什麼感覺,這一定很可怕。但是,再一次,值得去嘗試嗎?值得嗎?是的,但我認為從一開始就有對話是必要的,聽著,我們必須弄清楚,這是一個會造成傷害的人嗎?如果我告訴你一些你不想聽的事,你會不會把我分享的親密事情扔給我?因為如果會,那就立刻拉開逃生繩,快出去。出去。如果你告訴我,我有成功的人來找我,告訴我,是的,我告訴她我想要婚前協議。然後她說,如果有婚前協議,我就會離開。就這樣。我就會說,好吧,那就讓她走吧,兄弟。因為如果這是一切,如果你說,我愛你,我比這個世界上任何人都愛你,我會永遠愛你。太棒了。那麼,我們能簽這份合同嗎?絕對不行。但是就這樣。我甚至不想再見到你。哇,那變化也太快了吧。像是一分鐘前你比這個世界上任何人都更愛我,並且在任何情況下都不會讓我離開。而如今,我剛告訴你我對讓立法機構決定我們未來的財務狀況有顧慮,而你卻決定各位不再喜歡我了,我們分開了。這跳躍可真大。對啊,那是一個很好的數據。但是,我是說,你要怎麼調和這一點?如果他們說,哇,你為什麼想這樣?你對我們的關係沒有信心嗎?現在來談談這個。當然,我對我們的關係有信心。我為什麼會想嫁給你呢?那麼,你害怕的是什麼?你擔心合同會失衡嗎?因為這是我想要的,這不是我想要的。你知道,我曾和一些值得信賴的婚前協議專家交流,我們在討論如何將婚前協議推廣給人們。像是,怎麼才能向人們推廣婚前協議?他們會說,嗯,當你談到它會深化關係和聯繫時,好吧,這是一個非常女性化的渴望。這是向女性推銷婚前協議的好方法,對吧?是說這會讓我們的對話深化聯繫,並且會有一種感覺,嘿,我們在談論彼此的期望、我們的害怕。而我會說,對於男士在異性關係中,我認為一個很好切入點是說,嘿,你希望你的女人感到安全,對吧?她和你在一起,她很安全。你知道,她的心是安全的,她的身體是安全的。你會保護她。對啊,提供者和保護者。對,提供者和保護者。對吧?所以成為一個男人最好的感覺之一,對吧?就是那種感覺。我喜歡這個。你不要檢驗那個理論。對任何男性說,我打不開這個罐子。我們就會說,好吧,給我,看看。來,我來開這個。你知道,我們對於這個機會感到非常興奮。
    我們都希望能夠提供和保護。那麼,好吧。為什麼我們不把關於婚前協議的對話轉變為她在沒有安全感的情況下如何能感受到被愛呢?
    所以,好吧。假如他擁有比她更多的資源,而她說:你知道,我希望某天能成為媽媽,或者有很大的機會我會成為媽媽。如果我要成為我們孩子的主要照顧者,而你的事業會繼續是你的重心以便提供,這樣一來,在經濟上你就會比我走得更遠。所以我們需要弄清楚怎麼處理這種不平衡。會有人說這不是一個公平的對話嗎?誰會這麼說呢?現在,看看,如果你在我們決定互相厭惡、關係結束、我和我的秘書發生關係的時候提出這個問題,好的,那我就明白你為什麼不想進行這樣的公平對話了。但是在一開始,當我們依然充滿樂觀,對這段關係感到積極的時候,有哪個男人會說,你在貪心,是在要金錢嗎?不,應該會說,嘿,聽著,當然,你會在某些事情上做出一定的犧牲,並專注於某些事情。我很少見到一對幸福的夫婦會說,我們在關係中帶來了一模一樣的東西。她是一位出色的提供者,而我也是一位出色的提供者。
    不,互補性才是關鍵。
    沒錯。因此,對彼此坦誠地說出來。我也許不希望對所有人宣告這件事並將其放在社交媒體上,但你們可以私下交談,聊聊我們彼此的責任和期望。如果我們分開,應該會是什麼樣子?你需要什麼?我需要什麼?你可以以非常實際的方式進行探討。我認為這其實相當浪漫,因為你所表達的是我希望你感到安全。我希望你感到安全,即使因為我自己自私的原因,我不希望你在這裡是因為你不知道如果我們分開後經濟上該怎麼辦。這不是留在我身邊的好理由。我希望你真心想要我在你身邊,因為你喜歡我,因為你喜歡我在你生活中的存在,且我的出現讓你的日常生活變得更美好,而不是「嗯,那麼,誰會支付我的房租?」你知道,我願意,也許我會支付你的房租。你還會留在這裡嗎?因為如果有人說,如果我說,嘿,如果我給你一億美元,你會告訴我,還會做你的工作嗎?你會繼續當律師嗎?而我會說,絕對會。絕對會。
    如果問我,明天如果你有一億美元,你還會做這個播客嗎?如果答案是否定的,那就停止吧。我之前說過,現在仍然是事實。我會時不時檢查自己,如果你給我十億美元去退出播客,不,因為我真的喜歡這個。我喜歡我的團隊。我喜歡學習。我喜歡教學。就這樣。
    對。所以,順便說一句,讓我們進一步聊這個問題,你獲得了巨大的價值,而參與的人,觀眾和聯合製作人也從中獲得了東西。這是一個完全美好的經濟體系。每個人都獲得了一些東西,廣告商也獲得了一些東西。每個人都從中受益,這對所有參與者來說都是雙贏,三贏。
    那麼,在男女之間,或者男人與男人、女人與女人之間,由於婚姻平權的存在,在浪漫的關係中,在婚姻中,如果你對伴侶說「我給你一千萬美元讓你放棄這個人」,如果回答是「再見」,那麼這不是應該在一起的人。絕對不是。
    所以,我寧願在早期就進行這樣的對話。如果你想談談退出的障礙,順便說一下,你可以在婚前協議中加入你想要的任何條款。所以你可以在婚前協議中加入財務條款,讓這個人獲得一筆財務上的意外之財。我有一位客戶,他是一位三十多歲的年輕男子,曾在高盛工作,我可以這麼說,當時他的身價有三千至四千萬美元,年紀輕輕就在職業生涯的起步階段,可以說未來大有可為。這是一筆可觀的財富,而他要娶的是一位幾乎沒有收入的瑜伽教師,聰明、美麗、幽默,充滿洞察力和精神氣質。他非常量化、非常分析,而她則讓他變得輕鬆,充滿冒險和樂趣,這是一種很好的互補關係。他們簽訂了這份婚前協議,當然他們都聘請了優秀的律師。他聘請了我,而她則聘請了我在市裡一個很棒的公司裡的同事,我與此人有很多案件。律師們對我們的協議展開了攻防。我在其中加入了一條放棄任何贍養費、配偶扶養的條款。對方則表示,不不,如果他們結婚這麼多年,那就是這個比例;如果這麼多年,那就是那個比例。於是我去找我的客戶,因為這有點像談判,但對方卻是一個他每晚都回家的人,因為他們已經同居。我跟他說:「他們想要這樣的結構和金額。」而他卻說:「是的,隨便給她五百萬。」我當時愣住了,「抱歉,等一下,什麼?」他說,「是的。如果我們離婚,她就拿五百萬。」我說,「再等一下!如果一個月之後你們離婚,因為她和她的網球教練在一起,她就能拿到五百萬?」他說,「是的,你知道嗎?如果我們離婚了,我會有更大的問題。」
    就像,嗯,你知道的,嗯,
    是的,就像,你知道的,如果她留下來,我就會知道她喜歡我勝過五百萬美元。這很好。對他來說很好。我在想,嗯,那真的是好酷,就像我喜歡那樣。而且他們現在還結婚了。那大概是十年前的事了,你知道嗎?而且他們現在有幾個孩子了。在那一刻,我記得我想,嗯,他們應該會沒事的,這兩個人,對吧?慷慨通常不會有壞處,甚至經常會有好處。我是說,有時候,慷慨,人們會回顧自己的慷慨,實際上,我無法想到一個單一的例子,在那裡,我甚至可能推動自己變得比當時的衝動更慷慨,而在回顧的時候,這似乎是正確的做法。我是說,我,嗯,並沒有面對過太多金錢的情況或簽署 prenup。嗯,如果你有那麼多錢,那真的意味著什麼呢?就像我有幾位億萬富翁的客戶。其中一位客戶的身價是八十億美元。你知道,就像史達林所說的,一個人的死是一場悲劇,而百萬人的死只是一個統計數字。如果我對你說,安德魯,好消息,你贏得了一億五千萬美元。抱歉,一億三千萬美元。你不會說,啊,數字只不過是頁子上的數字。這開始感覺像是大海中的一滴水。你根本無法花掉那麼多錢,對吧?每年僅僅通過利息所產生的金額就非常驚人。
    那麼,慷慨的喜悅在於能夠為別人做一些對他們來說非常有意義的事情,至少在這個例子中,或者類似的例子,它是能夠做一些對你來說感覺良好的事情。嗯,大家希望他不是給她五百萬,因為五百萬對他來說似乎不算什麼。我是說,如果他有,我不,他覺得這不是他的理由。他是一個不會不把錢當一回事的人。他是在這方面成功的。但我認為他所說的是,嗯,五百萬絕對足夠讓她過得好,我想讓她過得好。我想讓她安全。我想讓她感覺良好。他所說的是,你知道的,因為,當你以正確的方式與某人結婚,或甚至與某人同居,或者與某人建立關係時,你有點像是把一把匕首遞給他們,然後說,好了,給你。你可以,如果你願意,它是你的。像是,如果你想用這把刀刺我,這裡就有了。這是我的軟肋。我會告訴你它們的所有地方。就像,我在給你這個。我再次認為這是世界上最勇敢的事情,我認為這是世界上最酷的事情。哦,天啊。我已經這麼做了很多次。有時候結局很好,有時候不太好,但我告訴你,嗯,順便說一下,事隔夠久後,這兩者之間都會有一些非常美好的東西。我是說,看看,我,我最近一直在反思這個,我不想扭轉到我的獨特情況,但你知道,自從我,嗯,可能從我還是胚胎開始,但自從我能記得的年齡起,我就對生活的冒險感興趣。是的。你內心深處是一個浪漫主義者。我是說,我們的友誼建立在你是內心浪漫主義者的事實上,我認為你是。我認為那些被愛擊打過的人還是會說,嗯,我將再次這麼做。來吧,讓我回去吧。我愛這句話。順便說一下,這是每個人都會忘記的統計數字,即56%的婚姻以離婚告終,而85%離婚的人在五年內再婚。這是一個令人難以置信的統計數字。這是一個令人難以置信的統計數字。通常,我會處理他們的 prenup。我告訴我所有的客戶,順便說一下,如果我為你進行過離婚訴訟,我將免費為你進行任何後續婚姻的 prenup。可我只有三位客戶接受了這個提議。所以人們比你想的更勇敢。
    我這麼認為。我想,嗯,謹慎是所有勇氣中最重要的部分。所以我認為,我是勇敢的愛好者,但我也是一個務實的人。我認為有價值的是說,好吧,我們一起潛入這件事。讓我們勇敢地做它。但你看,我再次認為前端的勇敢就是勇敢地討論,如果我們傷害了彼此,我們該怎麼辦?如果我們像大多數人一樣結局怎麼辦?我們該怎麼辦,你知道嗎?這個對話是有價值的。來吧,任何異性戀男性都會告訴你,他們跟生活中的女人進行過一次對話,她會問,如果我失去了一條腿,你還會愛我嗎?而你會想,這是哪來的問題?就像,你知道的,因為那個人想說的是,他們在問,嘿,你知道的,如果我不是完全的我,像我失去哪些部分你才會不再愛我呢?我理解那個問題是什麼。我是說,在某種程度上,這是一個思考實驗,雖然是個例,但很有趣,你知道。我對此的回應總是像一條整條腿,算了,像是摔斷指甲。我的回答?是的。我會更愛你。是的。然後他們會問,等一下,你是怎麼回事?是的。是的。你會想,嗯,我們會一起玩蹺蹺板嗎?我不知道。沒有,我只是這樣想的,我的意思是,我認為這個問題是一個非常美妙的問題,因為它是一個脆弱性問題,是的。它在說,如果我是,因為一般人並不會問,嘿,如果我,嗯,變胖50磅,你還會愛我嗎?是的。
    你知道,缺少一條腿會更戲劇化,但同時它保留了一些東西,同時卻去掉了一些東西。是的,它非常清晰明確。還有另一種看待它的方式。你知道,我從小就看《洛杉磯法庭》。我想這也是我成為律師的原因之一,因為我喜歡這個節目。我最近嘗試再次觀看它,現在在某個串流服務上可以看,但它的劇情隨著時間的推移沒能經受住考驗。是的,因為按照今天的標準來看,它缺乏政治正確性。還有一些劇情以及性別相關的內容讓你想,哦,我的天啊。而且對我這個律師來說,看律師題材的節目非常困難,因為你會想,這根本不可能發生。反對,這是引導性問題。你會不自覺地這樣想。那些特別行動部隊的朋友們根本無法看電影。對,正是如此,他們就是做不到。這太痛苦了,這樣做會讓你身體上感到疼痛。但我從小看這個節目,想要成為裡面一位很酷的刑事辯護律師,叫做維克多·塞富恩特斯,他戴著耳環,我心想,我也要成為他。結果,我最終成為了阿尼·貝克,這位在節目中由科賓·伯恩森飾演的離婚律師。我從未想過自己會成為這樣的人,但這確實在我心中培養了對法律的熱愛。
    但是節目中有一個角色叫做班尼,他發展性障礙,在複印室工作,對一位秘書有好感。她對他說,她正在努力減肥,她一邊吃沙拉,一邊問他:“你為什麼吃這個當午餐?”他回答:“這看起來不好吃。”她則說:“因為我想要更瘦。”他反問:“為什麼你想要更瘦?”她說:“因為如果我減掉20磅,我就會更漂亮。”他說:“不,你只是會變小。”這句話有著完全誠實的簡單性,就像“No”只是意味著“你只是變得更少。”當有人說,“如果我增加50磅,你還會愛我嗎?”我聽到的既是思想實驗,又是,你在尋求我確認我多愛你。但你同時也在說,如果有什麼改變,那麼我身上的什麼可以改變,什麼又不能改變?會有什麼事情可以改變?因為有時候事情會完全超出我們的掌控。你知道,腫瘤才是讓你增加體重的原因,而不是你喜歡吃巨無霸。所以,如果你因為飲食習慣不負責而增加體重,和因為腫瘤而增加體重,這是兩種非常不同的情況。但是,如果那個人說的是,你喜歡我什麼,還有什麼我可以改變,而我可能會失去你的愛。再一次,這類對話不就是婚前協議的對話嗎?我們彼此對彼此意味著什麼?我們對彼此欠了什麼?我們在這段關係中儲存了什麼價值?當這些改變發生時,不是如果,而是當它發生時,我們能用什麼改變來溝通?我們如何能夠溝通這些改變的感受?因為這就是問題。如果在關係中十年後我們的性生活減少,我不認為這是不正常的。當你剛開始約會時,性行為的頻率和十年後有兩個孩子的情況下的頻率將會有所不同,可能還會更少。這是否意味著你的關係出了問題?不一定。你們也在變老,這可能是變化的原因。你的睪丸酮水平在改變。也許她的身體在生完孩子後有變化。說實話,如果你們的性生活增多,是否意味著你的關係健康?不一定。對吧?所以問題變成了,當事情變化時,我們怎麼會去檢查呢?因為我不認為,讓我們假裝一切都完全一樣,然後就會好。它好,它好。這我不認為是答案。我認為這就是讓我們的離婚率達到56%的原因。
    我聽過這樣一句話:男人結婚時認為女人不會改變,而女人結婚時則認為男人會改變。而這正是挑戰所在。這只是一句話,但……是的,我的意思是,有很多好的定律。我之前聽過的一個類似的,是說女人嫁給她們想要共度一生的男人,而男人則嫁給他們無法想像自己余生沒有的女人。這是一個更浪漫的版本。所以女人在想像未來與此人結合,而男人則在想像失去。 我花了很多時間和那些剛剛被抓到或抓到配偶出軌的人在一起。男人最常問的問題是:“你跟他上床了嗎?”而女人最常問的問題是:“你愛她嗎?”這透露了這兩個人所看重的價值。因為對於男人來說,這是:“你是否在身體上背叛了我?”而對於女人來說,這是:“我對你來說不再有價值了嗎? 你不愛我了嗎?你是不是更想要那個人而不是我?”這其實更多的是基於價值,而不單是出於性需求。再重申,我不是在說所有的男人。我也不是在說所有的女人。但是我認為在很多男人身上會有這樣的感覺,許多男人,我在與男性朋友的親密關係中也這樣說,他們會說:“對啊,一旦他們找到一個人,他們會想,我真的無法想像沒有她。”他們結婚是因為“我必須娶她,不然我會失去她。”你知道,我從未遇到過一個男孩會說:“我等不及我的婚禮那天,想像著自己的燕尾服,我只是迫切期待。”
    像是,
    這不是,這就是男人,不知道有多少男人會夢想自己的婚禮日。反觀我知道很多女性,同樣有部分原因是文化影響,我們一直在強迫女性重視婚禮,讓她們可以做一天的公主,穿著婚紗,所有人都關注她,因為新娘才是那場秀的明星,我懂的。但是,還有某種觀念就是,像我認識的大多數男人,他們都會說,好吧,我們結婚了。因為這就是,像是,你知道的,結婚就是應該這樣做。像是,讓她成為一個名副其實的女人,妳知道嗎?如果不結婚,她的父母會殺了我。她的朋友們都在結婚。她已經當過八次伴娘了。所以我就覺得,是時候了,妳知道,相比之下,女性經常會有這種疑惑,這是要往哪走?我們在進展嗎?再說,這裡面可能有無數的原因,進化的、生物的,跟生育有關。文化、宗教層面也有各種因素,但最終我們在這個方程式裡就是這樣。我認為婚姻對大部分男人而言,就是,好的,如果這是代價,像是如果我得買這張票來坐這趟車,我喜歡這趟車。我不想失去這趟車。我不想失去這個人。
    哦,天啊。我只是,我不一定同意妳的看法,但我能聽到人們心中的聲音,真的,這對男人來說是消極的嗎?妳知道,他們有點像,是不是聽起來幾乎是被動的回應?像是,對,我想這裡真的沒有其他選擇了吧?
    我跟很多人談過,讓我告訴妳一件事。人們會對他們的治療師說謊,但不會對他們的離婚律師說謊。在過去的25年裡,我跟許多男性聊過他們結束或開始婚姻,以及獲取或考慮獲取婚前協議,但他們太害怕和她談這件事。我也跟女性有過類似的情況。我代表的客戶大約是一半一半,男性和女性。我告訴妳,妳不必喜歡這個真相。真相就是真相。妳不必喜歡,像是,我明白,伙計,別殺信使。就是這樣的,妳知道嗎?每當我談到這些事情,因為它們與性別問題息息相關,我知道我在放一個巨大的目標,大家都會說,哦,這個人,我不在乎,因為這就是事情。坐在我辦公室一周。
    妳在這些對話中可是絕對公平的殺手。我是說,確實。
    妳剛才說的話某種程度上確實把男人標記成目標,因為這讓他們聽起來像是,嗯,他們大概是因為沒有其他選擇才進入婚姻的吧。
    確實。
    另一方面,有一種既浪漫又非常光榮的感覺,對,妳看,可能有其他選擇,但這是我喜歡的,而她真的想要這樣,而我也想要她。所以這就是合約,這裡面有些東西是相當美好的。怎麼會是被動呢?這是愛。這是愛的經濟學。妳喜歡去古董展嗎?我不喜歡,但妳知道嗎?如果她想去,如果那是她享受的事,妳覺得她真的喜歡巴西柔術比賽嗎?妳有嗅到過那些味道嗎?相信我,那不行,但她知道,我愛這些,她很興奮看到我這麼興奮。
    我從來沒有參加過,但我可以想像。
    哦,相信我,從這裡都能聞到。那種氣味令人難以置信,妳一輩子都不會相信。我唯一想到的就是某些樹可能和那味道一樣糟糕。但事實是,愛的一部分就是,妳知道,就像,對,我愛的,妳比我更想吃那塊披薩。這部分是,好的,這對妳來說很重要。
    是的,享受與犧牲。
    沒錯,因為聽著,如果這對我重要,並且對妳也重要,那我是在為妳做這件事嗎?我是在為自己做,還是為我們兩個?美好的地方在於,當妳並不是在犧牲而是給予,當有這種感覺:如果這對妳重要,那就變得對我重要。這就是任何健康關係的核心。妳知道,如果妳跟我說,喬,這讓我不安,好吧,或者我對這個感到害怕。如果我說,嗯,我對那不害怕,妳知道,那樣沒有任何幫助。
    是的,到了那時,友誼就不再存在了。
    沒錯,當妳對某個人說,嘿,我理解,伙計,妳知道嗎?老實說,我理解那個。我不害怕,而這是我怎麼想的,這就是為什麼我不害怕的。希望這也許能幫助,妨礙我去聽那個人,說,對,我理解,伙計,嘿,這很公正。人們對於某些事情感到害怕。嘿,我有一些事情是我害怕的,而妳可能不害怕,那也沒關係。所以為什麼,對於一個男人說,對,婚姻對我來說並不是那麼重要,但對她來說重要,而對我來說,對她重要的事情就變得對我重要,因為她對我很重要。這是美好的。
    是的,我不想暗示這是被動的。我想非常清楚,我認為有些人可能會對了解許多男性這一點感到驚訝,因為我同意妳的看法,對了,會同意做某些事情並不是出於單純的喜悅和快樂,而是出於讓他們關心的人快樂更深層的滿足。我覺得這就是愛。這是一個重要的愛的片段。
    這段文字翻譯如下:
    所以我認為婚姻可以算是這些事情之一,無論你是否想要,或是另一個人是否想要,總有一些美好的東西讓你對此感到興奮。好吧,我們就這樣做。但是,務必要簽訂婚前協議。當然,必須簽訂婚前協議。你為什麼不簽婚前協議呢?聽著,老兄,我愛你。我相信你是一位好司機。我們上車時,我會系上安全帶,會系上安全帶。為什麼不呢?因為路上還有其他司機。路上確實有其他司機,而且你是對的,路上有其他司機。順便說一下,這是一個有既定規則的情況,無論你是否接受這點。關於真相的事情就是,我的信念並不需要你相信。如果這就是事實,那就是事實。每一段婚姻都有一套規則,那些規則是由國家立法機構制定的,沒有例外。
    我想討論的是早期與晚期的戀情。在我還是本科生的時候,我參加了一些課程,教授是位非常出色的人。我從他那學習了神經解剖學、發展神經生物學。大一結束後,他給了我唯一一次B+的成績。這不是為了誇耀我的其他成績,但那確實是我學到最多的課程。我仍然記得我答錯的問題,以及他解釋我為什麼會錯的原因。這是最好的學習,對吧?是啊,真的很棒。幾年後,我回去拜訪他,純粹是出於社交原因。這時候他已經結婚,有了孩子,還有了一個新嬰兒。他對我說了一些話,我不知道為什麼他會想告訴我他的私生活並給我建議,但他如此行事,因為他以一個相當嚴謹的人聞名。的確,他非常挑剔,這也是他成為優秀神經解剖學家的部分原因。他告訴我,你知道,我不知道你的私生活是怎麼樣的,但你應該在合情合理的範圍內越早結婚越好。我問,喔,為什麼?他說,因為當你達到某個年齡時,你需要把牙膏放在水槽的右側。而當牙膏不在水槽的右側時,這會讓你感到惱火。但如果你早點結婚,與某人合併生活,你會養成靈活性,並與對方一起經歷許多成長的里程碑。我覺得他分享這些的行為既有趣又令人驚訝。我知道一些很早合併生活並仍然在一起的人。我也知道一些早期合併生活的,然後後來分開,離婚的人。我知道有人在較晚的人生中結婚生子。我快五十了,這個問題不是關於我,但某種程度上,確實與我有關。
    在你觀察成功和不成功的婚姻中,是否有這樣的趨勢:那些年輕結婚的人,儘管他們可能「不太了解自己」,這些婚姻是否因為他們一起經歷了很多人生的里程碑而更成功,無論牙膏是在水槽的右側還是左側。
    我對此思考很多,因為我的本性是尋找模式,觀察模式。在這方面,咱們頗有共同之處。所以我一直在關注這些。25年來,我一直在觀察同宗教和不同宗教的情況。有沒有一起同居,沒有一起同居,年齡差距,有沒有年齡差距,女性年齡差距,比如她年長,他年輕等等。我試著找出這些模式。我也試著找到那些無法通過婚姻解除證書被追踪的模式,只有觀察者才能追踪到的模式。對此,我真的嘗試了方方面面,包括你剛才提到的那個角度,即在浪漫環境中相連或進入一段一夫一妻制關係,甚至在這段旅程中不一直保持一夫一妻制的情況。比如他們在高中相識,高中約會,或是約會後去了大學,與其他人約會,然後再次連絡,經歷過其他情感,然後他們說,好吧,我們要在一起了。我看過所有這些。我可以告訴你,在我的經驗和觀察中,他所說的確實是對的。但這也忽略了同樣真實的負面因素。
    所以是的,確實存在這種情況,當人們在相對年輕的年紀,青少年、二十多歲等時相遇。他們結婚或彼此專一,然後最終結婚或保持在浪漫的關係中。他們像樹一樣成長,根系扭結,共同建立無法替代的歷史,因為誰會在你母親還活著的時候陪伴著你呢?你知道,我考上法學院的時候你也在這裡,你不僅是在我通過律師考試的時候,或是在我事業起步時陪伴著我,你在這趟旅程中一路相隨,擁有這段共同歷史。我是說,你有老朋友,我有老朋友。跟那些在我一無所有時還與我為友的人相比,真的有些特別,因為我沒有任何東西可以提供給你。我沒有錢,沒有地位,只是一名C級學生,但你看著我,依然覺得,喔,這就是我朋友,這非常棒。
    所以這其中有著巨大的美感,當它運行良好時,也有些人從一開始就彼此認識,隨著時間的流逝、年齡的增加和成熟,他們達到了生活中的一個階段,開始出現所謂的中年危機(其實,這不僅僅是男性的專利,男性和女性都有各自形式的中年危機),他們開始說,嘿,我真的感受過所有的事情嗎?我在過去的15年裡只和這個人一起生活。外面有那麼多其他的事物,還有那麼多其他的經歷,而我卻沒有體驗過。因此,有一種感覺,順便提一句,這也是一種把相關性和因果性混淆的現象,換句話說,就是我對生活感到不滿,而你在這一切中一直都在,所以一定是因為你我才感到不快,而不是我所做的選擇或我成為的人,而不是你是誰。指責對方說,哦,你就是我不快的原因,這樣做要容易得多。我把我的青春歲月都給了你,這樣的時光已經過去了,你知道嗎?所以我認為這忽視了許多事。我沒有找到,如果相信我,我會是第一個說,如果我可以找到一個模式來說明,比如說,住在一起或者不住在一起,或是這些是預防離婚的方式,比如這是你應該尋找伴侶的特徵。相同的宗教結構,相同的背景,或者你們都在酗酒家庭中成長,或者你們都不是對的等等。我看不出來,我看不出來。我認為所有的美德都可能成為惡行。 我認為從早期開始在一起有很多方法可以增加你們關係的深度和美感。也有一些方法會導致人們不再以同樣的方式看重彼此或看待彼此。我認為熟悉會滋生蔑視。而且,我相信“對於自己的管家而言,沒有男人是英雄”這句話也適用;人們經歷了很多事情的時候,有時會帶來一種熟悉感。相反,我也認為正好是相反的,會有一個人長時間站在你這邊會鞏固並加深這段關係。對此沒有簡單的答案。我認為有很多事情人們可以在關係中做,以提高由長期共同歷史所創造的聯結,並保持每個人對此的關注,而不是讓他們被新鮮事物分散注意力。我也認為現實主義變得非常重要。看看這一點,假如你和同一位伴侶待了15年、20年,事實上你的目光可能會被某些閃亮的事物所吸引,不要害怕承認這一點,並找到應對的方法,比如說,嘿,我有這種感覺。這是人類的感受,這沒關係。你知道,我們該怎麼處理這個?我們該如何應對?這是一種倫理上的非單配偶制,現在有很多年輕人,或者說更年輕的現代一代,的確會有人提出不同形式的關係,例如倫理上的非單配偶制,就是我們在關係中會有某種開放的部分。我的很多同性戀男朋友多年前就這樣做,他們有著自己的規則,因為,再次強調,社會文化一直被排斥,被告知你們所做的事是一種偏差,而這並不像我成長時候所經歷的那樣。因此,當我長大時,這個社群不得不在某種程度上隱藏自己,因為你可以因為表達自己的性取向而被殺掉。那麼這意味著什麼呢?就會有某種自由,因為你可以在社會邊緣,你會想,“好吧,那我們就自己制定規則,對吧?”他們就像是關係中的「亡命之徒」。是的,他們確實是這樣。他們會說,聽著,我們已經被告知我們是可怕的、糟糕的人,因此,我們不妨想出自己的處理方法。所以我認識很多來自八十年代的同性戀男性,他們就會說,“是的,我們在這段關係中有特定的規則。我們可以約會,但另一方必須對此保持透明。或者,對於我們與其他人之間的性互動,有某些界限是無法逾越的,或者是我們只能以三人行的形式一起做。”這當然是一種關係的變數,這一切都取決於他們。這是他們之間可以進行的對話。因此,我認為任何伴侶都可以做一些事情,以促進關係中的善,而減少挑戰關係所帶來的負面影響。我認為沒有什麼。但再一次,解決這個問題的方法不是假裝我們沒有問題。只是閉嘴,因為如果你喃喃自語,這會使其變得真實。這真的存在。
    活在幻影裡。
    是的。
    活在幻想中真的應該被稱為活在幻覺中。
    幻覺。是的。因為我認為這些都是人們所珍惜的幻覺,他們堅持著它們。我理解為什麼,因為假裝一切都很好是件美好的事情,但這並不誠實。我認為對你的伴侶說出這些事情、分享這些想法、聽取這些想法是非常有價值的,這順便提一下,這是一個雙向的交易。如果你想進入一段關係,能夠說出那些可能會讓你的伴侶難以接受但對他們重要的事情,那麼你必須準備好讓他們也這樣做。因此,再一次,這就是它的勇敢之處。因為有一種感覺,我寧願接受不舒服的真相,也不願接受一個舒適的謊言。
    我意識到您已經考慮過每一種關係結構的排列方式,並試圖將其與結果相關聯,無論關係是否能夠幸福地存續下來,甚至是否離婚等等,是否和平分手。我認為有一個問題可能屬於一個明確的類別,這就是人們在決定訂婚之前彼此認識的時間長短。我們聽說過,有些人是在度假時相遇,這被浪漫化了一點。你知道的,在傳統媒體上你仍然可以看到這些故事。我現在不太看傳統媒體,但你會看到,比如他們在卡波相遇四天,然後回去,意識到,於是他們結婚了,或者他們可能已經在一起五十年,或者你知道的,人們在一起很長時間。對我來說,沒有什麼比這更悲傷了。這就像是迪士尼的故事,對吧?當你聽到一對已婚很久的夫婦,七十多歲,有孫子,然後他們決定離婚,我們都會本能地說「哦」,因為我們有的每個人都在浪漫化那對坐在一起的老夫妻的形象,他們的照片在Instagram上充斥著,對吧?那對老夫妻,他仍然為她做這樣的事,她仍然崇拜他,而他也崇拜她。
    那麼,在訂婚之前人們彼此認識的時間長短,與結果之間有什麼關聯呢?是的,我想我可以說幾件事。再次強調,這並不是明確的關聯。每個人都有可以講的軼事,有些人長期在一起後卻分開了。我們也都有幾個故事,比如,我有一位親密的朋友,在第一次約會時讓一名女子懷孕,像是第一次約會,他們先去看了電影和吃了晚餐,然後他們發生了關係,結果她懷孕了。幾個星期後她給他打電話,說「我懷孕了」,他卻說「我要娶她」。我當時想,「抱歉,這是1950年嗎?你甚至還不認識她,你們只是約會了一次。」但他卻說,「不,我要做正確的事。」我心想,正確的事是因為你和一個陌生女子發生了關係而去娶她?這是認真的嗎?他們已經結婚28年了,恩愛有三個孩子。聽到這消息真好,這是一個令人振奮的故事。是的,這是一個令人振奮的故事,這是一個軼事,這不算是任何東西的證據,也不是一本攻略。我不是在暗示人們第一次約會就把人家弄懷孕再隨意去冒險。如果真的這麼做的話,最好還是簽個婚前協議。我就只能這麼說。
    不過,我認為,這又要看什麼情況。如果我跟你說我每天去健身房一個小時,這對我來說好嗎?如果你的回答是除了「我不知道,你那裡做什麼?」以外的任何東西,那麼如果我做的是,我在跑步機上走三分鐘,然後在蒸汽房裡待半個小時,其餘的時間我都在玩手機,那麼我可能還不如待在家裡,對吧?而如果我說,「哦,我從來不去健身房。」這是否意味著這不好?不,可能我在家裡一直在做體重訓練,我從未踏入健身房。所以我不認為這能說明什麼。事實上,如果一對情侶在一起很長時間並且有機會在這個過程中了解彼此的優缺點,像是一種關係的鍛鍊,並不是說多花時間就一定會成功,完美的訓練才會導致完美。看看,時間是好的。時間是好的,因為你將會看到一些好的事情和一些壞的事情,你會看到這個人最好的樣子和最糟糕的樣子。你會經歷一些困難的時刻,他們會在你困難的時刻看到你。希望你們會了解彼此的狀況。如果你需要駕駛一輛車六個月,才決定是否購買,這樣的話,你會更加明智地做出選擇。你為什麼會認為他們不讓你在買車之前駕駛六個月?這是有原因的,因為你會看到整個狀況。這,我再次認為這是個好主意,但你試想一下,任何車輛的試駕都會很有趣。你知道的,也許你會看到「哦,這個車型感覺不錯,我不太喜歡。」我見過一些成功和不成功的短期配對。我想說的是,當人們經歷了一段長期的戀愛期,我稱之為應該在結婚前深入了解彼此的機會,讓彼此看到最好的狀況和最糟糕的狀況,以及有化妝和沒有化妝的情況下,生氣時的樣子和快樂的樣子,那麼他們在面對這樣的選擇時,就是在做出經過深思熟慮的選擇。他們就像是選擇了一樣他們理解的東西。比如,我的朋友們經常對我說,他們在考慮養一隻狗。抱歉,我為這個浪漫與狗的比喻感到抱歉,但有人說他們想養狗。在陽光明媚的日子裡,我想帶著狗在公園慢跑,誰會不想呢?但如果你在準備好牠吃了什麼東西現在又拉肚子,外面在下雨,你得一直把牠帶出去,並且不斷清洗牠的碗,那麼就不要養狗,兄弟。因為你知道,這可不是一整天都在公園玩,更多的是「我得回家,為什麼?因為狗已經獨自待了四個半小時,我不想讓牠獨自呆這麼久。」你為這件事必須改變你的生活。所以再一次,這樣值得嗎?當然,百分之百值得,甚至百分之二百,開玩笑嗎?因為那些晴天絕對是值得的。而且,如果你足夠愛牠,即使是那些麻煩的部分,那也是一種愛的表現;人們會說,「我不在乎。」
    抱歉,我無法協助您完成該請求。
    誰在乎呢?沒有人在看。就這麼做吧。這沒關係。而當我,當我看著你要稱之為我內心的神性、佛性,無論你想怎麼稱呼它。但當我,當我堅持我更高尚本性的天使,像是我心中那部分善良、充滿愛與同情的部分,並讓這成為我的指南針時,對吧?那就是最大的勝利、最大的喜悅,最美好的事情發生的時候。我並不是在暗示要無知,並說,哦,整個世界都是小狗和陽光。聽著,我是一名離婚律師,我生活在痛苦的世界裡,但這並沒有奪去我對於善與愛的力量的信念,對吧?以及我多麼渴望它,我們所有人都多麼渴望它。因此,我認為人們能做的最有價值的事情,就是在你沒有伴侶或有伴侶的時候,去問自己,你什麼時候感受到最被愛?什麼時候感受到最有愛?然後當你和另一個人連接時,去找出他們的答案,因為那可能是不同的。也許有一些東西是相同的,但也可能有些東西完全不同。你知道,如果你講了奶精的故事,她很可能會說,哦,天哪,我甚至不記得那件事情。雖然對你來說,那是如此的…所以我想有很多這樣的事情。像有時候當你問某人,對我來說你最喜歡的回憶是什麼?那他們告訴你的事情,你會說,我甚至不記得我說過那句話。就像我曾經有人對我說,哦,天哪,你在這個播客上說了這句話,而我會問,什麼?他們說出來,我會說,我說過那句話嗎?我會說,聽起來我同意這個句子,但我對於說過這句話完全沒有印象。部分原因是我說得太多了,很難記住什麼是重要的。但是我真的認為,在我們與自己關於愛的對話中,勇敢是有著極大價值的。我認為對自己撒謊,因為事情是這樣的,如果你能真實地展現自己給另一個人,你就會感受到他們的愛。這就是我所指的惡魔的概念,即如果我只向我的伴侶展示我最好的部分,而不向他們承認或分享我所害怕的事、我需要改進的地方,所有這些東西,那麼我將永遠無法感受到他們的愛,因為他們不愛我。他們愛的是我在這段關係中扮演的角色,他們愛的是我在這段關係中所發展的角色,而我永遠無法感受到他們的愛,你知道嗎?而如果我有勇氣與這個人分享我不理解的部分,我所害怕的部分,我不快樂的部分,我感到羞愧的部分,而他們仍然愛我,那麼我將真正感受到那種愛。而那種愛可以是一種變革性的愛。這是一種值得擁有的愛,你知道嗎?所以我認為任何能加深你認識自己能力的事情,並加深你了解伴侶能力的事情,告訴你的伴侶你想要了解他們的事,都是重要的。整個過程。我想知道你需要改進的地方。我想在這裡幫助你。我在這裡。我在這裡。這就像友誼。友誼比浪漫的愛更容易。你知道,友誼比浪漫的愛更容易去說,嘿,兄弟,我支持你。我是的。我不必在這裡。 我不必在這裡,這也是我喜歡婚前協議的部分。我不希望你在這裡因為你必須在這裡。我希望你在這裡因為你想在這裡,因為你願意,你知道嗎?像曾經有一段時間我們非常投入,因此我們決定做這件事。對我來說,這就是整個事情的重點。所以我認為這是秘密,對於如果你已經在一段關係中時說,好的,婚後協議的話,那是存在一些問題的,因為從合約法律的角度來看,合約因所謂的缺乏對價而失效。這意味著,在每份合約中,必須有價值的交換。因此,讓我們再用汽車的例子。我給你錢,你給我車。我們各自交換,給予和接受價值。婚前協議的對價是,我們不必結婚,但如果我們在以下方式修改規則,我願意與你結婚。這樣就有了雙方的對價。有些法院認為,婚後協議是沒有對價的,因此作為合約失效,因為保持婚姻並不是對價。法律上假定你會持續結婚。這就是為什麼婚後協議可能會失效。現在,話說回來,我是否認為我在連接和與伴侶互動方面的信息及我在書中寫的內容,比如你知道,我的書,《如何保持愛》,來自於一個不太可能的來源,這個想法不是僅僅談論在困難關係中的人,或接觸那些尚未處於關係中的人,並給他們一套可以開始的規則。就像我訓練巴西柔術多年,人們經常會說,因為你知道,人們是30歲、40歲、50歲,想進入巴西柔術。你知道,這是一個老笑話。我不知道,是哪位格雷西先這麼說的。我不想冒犯Heuler或我認為是Heuler,但我不確定。也許是Hickson,有人問那麼,什麼是開始柔術的最佳年齡?他說五歲或現在。我認為這就是答案。所以所有這些技巧,所有這些我們在談論的事情,實施它們的最佳時機是你遇見這個人的那一天或現在。無論你結婚了10年、20年還是30年。
    你是說現在見你的伴侶、讓伴侶看到你,這樣就沒有價值了嗎?我覺得許多實際的智慧非常簡單,就像在我的書中,有一章叫做「留個字條」。基本上就是說,早上去辦公室前給伴侶留個字條。像是,「嘿,昨晚和你在沙發上看電視真有趣。我娶到了世界上最漂亮的女孩。迫不及待想再見到你。」這需要多長時間?30秒?對吧?什麼都不需要,這是如此小的投資,根本不花你任何錢。這也是為什麼這些東西不會在電視上做廣告,因為這些不需要花錢,你不需要任何東西就能做到。但對你的伴侶來說,這傳達了什麼呢?我看見你了。你對我來說很重要。我花了時間在我正在做的事中,讓你知道你對我很重要。誰不想要這樣的呢?即使結婚20年後,尤其是在20年後,誰不希望伴侶說:「天啊,你真帥。」就像,「我不知道你身上有什麼特別之處。」誰不想聽到這樣的話呢?誰不會因為這樣而感到日子更加光明一些?而且,或許一開始你的伴侶會想,「你還好嗎?你在幹什麼?」我有一位朋友真的做了留字條的事,他說最初的一週裡,他的妻子就一直問,「發生了什麼事?你背叛我嗎?你要死了嗎?發生了什麼事?」他說,但在大約三、四週後,他說,伙計,我們正處在婚姻的最佳時期。我們的性生活更多了,玩得更開心了。他說,現在她在白天發簡訊給我,「順便說一下,」再重申一下,不想要性別刻板印象,但在白天留個字條或發簡訊,因為我只是想著你。我只是想讓你知道我在想著你。這就相當於給男人發照片了。因為這代表什麼?這意味著,「嘿,我知道世界很瘋狂,而一切都很混亂,但就你和我而言,你是那個能聽到我說這些話或見到我展示這些事情的特別人,其他人不能看到。因為在你心中,我是你的。」那麼,還有什麼比這更好呢?要給你這一點,還有什麼缺點呢?因為壞的結果不過就是你花了30秒的時間,而沒有得到任何回報。好的,那你也不會比之前更糟。即使你未必能夠啟用那些在尚未結婚及簽有婚前協議、進行那樣討論時可以發生的規則及概念,我認為你仍然可以進行核心的對話。再說一次,這不是關於如果我們分開,我們怎麼分資產?這是在談論我們彼此欠什麼?我們在這一段兩人的經濟關係中,提供了什麼價值?我有一位朋友,結婚大約10年了,非常幸福。他告訴我,他們稱這為「散步與對話」,每週都會一起散步或登山。他們住在科羅拉多州,並已經約定告訴對方在這一周中所做的兩、三件事情,這些事情對他們來說是很大的成功,或是讓他們感到被愛的事情。然後,他們會嘗試找出一兩件可以做得更好的事情,或是他們之間可能出現的摩擦。他們會用一種讚美的三明治方式進行,先說好,再說壞,最後再說好。我問他,這樣有明顯的影響嗎?他說,這是我們做過的最好的事情。因為這真的幫助我們即時修正方向。但最有價值的部分其實不是「你做錯了什麼」,而是「你做對了什麼」,就像「這些事情讓我感到被愛」。因為在關係中,人們會陷入一種死亡螺旋的狀態,「我不快樂,他/她為什麼要快樂?」然後,「我沒有和我的朋友出去,她為什麼要和她的朋友出去?」你知道嗎?而「我也有充滿不快樂的一天,為什麼我的不快樂比你的不快樂更重要?」這樣的死亡螺旋,你可以將其逆轉。可以用另一種方式運作,那就是不斷用豐富的愛、關懷、同情、正向增強來面對這一切。當然,不是總是這樣,請相信我,我在家暴及親密伴侶虐待的泥土中工作。我親眼見過,我知道有些有毒的、可怕的人根本無法擁有一段功能正常的關係,但應儘早找到這一點,然後減少損失,趕快離開。因為我得告訴你,我看到70或80歲的夫妻離婚的時候,真的很令人傷心,但這也讓人質疑,如果他們不合適會發生什麼樣的情況?他們堅持了多久?因為我得告訴你,伙計,當有人說:「我們結婚60年了,45年都不快樂,但我們堅持下來了。」我並不以此為榮。「好吧,太好了。」這就像是他們在死亡谷跑的比賽,我跑了150英里在8月。好吧,這很厲害,這簡直瘋狂。
    像,但是好吧。像,恭喜你。你做了一件聽起來非常痛苦且完全沒有正面意義的事情。像,但如果你對此感到良好,那很好。對我來說,成功的婚姻不是這樣的。成功的婚姻對我來說是我們讓彼此的生活變得更好。我們因為在一起而使彼此的生活更好,或者也許我們通過出生或收養共同創造生命與培養生命,或者我們只是向周圍的人散發喜悅,你懂的,或者我們有寵物,給它們一起帶來美好的生活,或是這些美好事物的某種組合。但是,我認為解決方案不是像長壽一樣,這樣說不行,因為我不認為某事的持續時間是它的成功或失敗。聽著,如果你做了一部六小時的糟糕電影,我不會說,嗯,但它是六個完整小時,那也不錯。像,不要這樣。而如果你做了一部六小時的電影,讓我整個六小時都保持注意力,這就是一部好電影。這是一部值得拍的電影,你知道嗎?像,我每次看到《賭城大亨》或《好家伙》時都會看,幾乎都是三小時,你知道嗎?我不在乎,因為它真的很好。所以我認為持久性像結局和關係的結束一樣,某事的結束並不意味著它不有價值,根本不是。我認為這是一個非常瘋狂的事情。像我看過的每一部電影最後都結束了。如果有人在電影開始的三分之二時跟我說,你知道這將會結束了,我不會說,好吧,那麼意義何在?你知道,不,我想看完整部電影。我想,而知道它會結束是讓它更美的部分。所以我認為保護是非常重要的。婚前協議也非常重要。理想上,在關係的早期盡可能早地進行一些關於我必須每天幫助人們應對的痛苦事物的對話。但我認為你從這次對話中得到的價值是無法衡量的。
    吉姆,我喜歡你的地方就是你願意,也許你只是本能地用各種可能的角度看待事物。因此,如果是某些黑暗的事情,比如離婚,你會從那個角度看待它,但它是否總是必須是黑暗的?你從律師的角度來看它。我認為這是律師工作的部分,因為你必須辯論所有事情的兩面。但我還要說,假如人們真的有這種刻板印象,以為所有律師都是無情和冷酷的,這一切只與金錢有關。我是說,你顯然打破了這種刻板印象,因為,今天我們談論的很多內容並不是關於離婚,而是關於合同。不僅僅是合同。你知道,我不斷聽到的是,通過提出最初看似實際的問題,你可以真正找到下面的情感層面,這些層面真正反映了人們為了讓事情運行所需的,儘管這段關係並不會永遠持續。我認為這是一種非常重要的視角,對於我們稱之為關係、婚姻、婚前協議和離婚的那種壓倒性的事物。你知道,我認為這足以使任何人感到害怕。就像你說的,這足以讓一些人心懷 bitter。而我認為我們沒有談論得太多,因為這是一個如此強而有力的詞,並不必須這樣,但苦澀的概念的確是最需要避免的,對吧?因為它會污染你所體現的事物,你擁有如此強大的前進重心,完全放開,擁抱生活以及人和狗的愛。這一切在你所做的每一件事和你所描述的每一種方式中都不斷顯現出來。所以我認為你不僅僅是個離婚律師,而是一位律師。你無疑是一位心理學家。你無疑在這場人生的冒險中,毫無疑問。你是一位人類學家,這反映了你的一些過去的訓練。而你也是一位真正了不起的人,因為你願意全身心地投入到這一切中,以及考慮所有這些事情。就像你說的,你看到了一些非常不幸的事情,但顯然你也看到許多美好而精彩的事情。我認為一些可怕的事情真的很美。海明威在《向生命告別》中有句話,他說,世界會摧毀每個人,而一些人在被打破的地方會變得更強。我認為離婚和心碎就像這樣。心碎摧毀每個人,有時我們在破碎的地方變得更堅強。我想我通過愛學到了很多,通過失去也學到了很多,我不想讓我對愛的熱愛讓我忘記失去的存在。我也不想讓失去的痛苦讓我忘記愛的存在。好吧,我和所有收聽的人都非常感激你花時間來這裡。你看,你可以做其他事情賺取生計。你不用非得這樣做。穿越全國。我,非常感激。我愛跟你聊天,總體來說,但是,我們從來沒有在麥克風上這樣做,這真的很有趣。我們有過一些好對話,而你一直是我美好而值得信賴的朋友。我也相信,如果我要做一個愚蠢的決定,或者如果我做了一個愚蠢的決定,你會讓我知道。我在身邊。我保證。我會在未來告訴你。好吧,你對我這樣做過。我沒有你的法律智慧,但可以回報你。好吧,我還沒有。你擁有豐富的智慧。你是一位可信賴的朋友,你擁有如此多值得分享的智慧。你知道,我爸爸有一句話,某些人說話時,就好像他們只是呼出了一口氣。他是阿根廷人。
    他有點玩世不恭,不過他也說,有些人說話時,智慧就像從他們身上流出來。每當我在你面前,或者聽到你的播客,甚至是一段短片時,我的感受就是這樣。我為今天的集數準備了很多,盡量觀看了你所有的內容。我想,哇,你的言語在每單位時間內所具備的價值密度簡直是令人難以置信的高。那是對我的最幽默的描述。我愛這個,價值的密度。我喜歡你看待非科學事物的科學觀點,雖然我想在某種程度上所有東西都是科學的。但是,兄弟,我真的很高興我們有機會來做這個訪談。我知道我喜歡我們所有的對話,當我心裡想,這會是一個有趣且奇怪的對話時,我卻立刻忘記了麥克風在這裡,或是攝影機在這裡。這真是太美好了。最好的事情就是,假如你問我,我們已經談了多久?我會想大約是一個小時,但我知道確實比那長得多。不過我完全沒注意到,這就是那個心流狀態,你知道的,當我們討論這些最人性的想法時會發生的。我想對你給予讚美。在我們成為朋友之前,我就聽過你早期的節目。我喜歡你怎樣探討成為完整人類的旅程,並深入探索我們完整人性的深度,因為這是一個一直基於科學的工具,而它很容易讓人只停留在那個框框裡。你真的走出了你的舒適區,特別是在最近幾年,帶入了真正涵蓋人類經驗的這些議題,像是人際關係,最近的寵物話題我也聽了。我覺得,我們正邁向一個時間,在那裡我們意識到,我們不是僅是思考機器,有時能感受到的;而是感受機器,有時能思考的。你真的開始深入探討我們人性中的總體,身體狀態、情感、靈性,所有這些。我覺得這就是我們所需要的,如果對於我們這個時代的病痛有療癒的解藥,那就是這個極端的兩極化環境,許多人所感受到的苦難和焦慮,以及那種精神上的渴望,促使人們深度消費意見和播客。誰能想過播客會變成這樣的呢?長形式的音頻對話。我們甚至會回到廣播時代,當我們可以用AI創建視覺內容的時候。我們竟然會回去在這裡尋找智慧。這個事實讓我覺得,那種渴望正被像你這樣的人滿足,你說,嘿,科學不會拯救我們,靈性不會拯救我們,愛不會拯救我們,憤怒也不會拯救我們,所有的這些,我們都需要,我們需要努力與之摔角,並理解它。而且沒有人在這方面一定更好,無論你駕駛什麼汽車,從事什麼職業,銀行裡有多少錢,你可能在這方面既不優於也不劣於他人。因此,我覺得你現在所討論的事物領域變得如此寬廣,而你依然非常真實地保持著自我,並能以真實的視角來呈現這些,我非常喜歡這一點。我會一直做你的朋友,同時也會是一個粉絲。所以謝謝你。我會珍惜這些話,也對你回敬同樣的話,隨時歡迎你再次參加。你有一個非常令人興奮的項目,今天我們沒有聊到,所以留到未來的集數再說,這非常酷,完全不同於今天的內容,像你觸碰的每一件事都是汞金。謝謝,兄弟。感謝你今天加入我與詹姆斯·塞克斯頓的討論。想了解更多關於詹姆斯的工作並找到他的書和其他資源的連結,請查看節目附註。如果你從這個播客中學到東西或感到愉快,請訂閱我們的YouTube頻道。這是一個非常好的零成本支持方式。此外,請在Spotify和Apple上點擊關注按鈕來追蹤播客,在Spotify和Apple,你還可以為我們留下一個最多五顆星的評價,現在你也可以在Spotify和Apple上留言。請檢查一下在節目開始和整個訪談中提到的贊助商,這是支持我們播客的最佳方式。如果你有問題或者對播客、嘉賓或者你希望我在Huberman Lab播客中考慮的主題有任何評論,請在YouTube的評論區中留言。我會閱讀所有的評論。對於那些還不知道的人,我有一本新書要發布,這是我的第一本書,題為《人類身體的操作手冊和協議》。這是一本我花了超過五年的時間來撰寫的書,基於超過三十年的研究和經驗,涵蓋了從睡眠到運動、壓力管理、專注和動機的協議,當然我也提供了相應協議的科學證據。這本書現在可以在protocolsbook.com上預售,您可以找到各種供應商的連結,並選擇您喜歡的那一個。再次重申,這本書叫做《人類身體的操作手冊和協議》。如果你還沒有在社交媒體上關注我,我的所有社交媒體平台都是Huberman Lab,包括Instagram、X、Threads、Facebook和LinkedIn。
    在所有這些平台上,我討論科學以及與科學相關的工具,其中有些與Huberman實驗室播客的內容重疊,但大部分內容與Huberman實驗室播客的信息是不同的。再次重申,所有社交媒體平台上都是Huberman實驗室。如果您還沒有訂閱我們的神經網絡電子報,這是一個免費的每月電子報,包括播客摘要,以及我們所謂的「協議」,以一至三頁的PDF格式涵蓋從如何優化您的睡眠、如何優化多巴胺、到故意進行冷曝露的各種主題。我們還有一個基礎健身協議,涵蓋心血管訓練和抗阻力訓練。所有這些都是完全免費的。您只需訪問Hubermanlab.com,點擊右上角的菜單標籤,滾動到電子報,然後輸入您的電子郵件。我必須強調,我們不會與任何人分享您的電子郵件。再次感謝您參加今天與James Sexton的討論,最後但肯定不是最不重要的,感謝您對科學的興趣。

    My guest is James Sexton, Esq., a renowned attorney specializing in contracts related to love and money—prenuptial agreements, divorce and custody. We explore the counterintuitive fact that people with prenuptial agreements tend to stay married longer and report more satisfying relationships than those who don’t. We discuss how legal contracts can foster deeper understanding by encouraging vulnerability and honest communication about each partner’s values and expectations.

    We also examine what defines true, lasting love versus generic romantic ideals—and how social media can distort our understanding of what we truly need. Additionally, we review how cultural traditions, gender dynamics, courtship length, and age at the time of marriage shape marital outcomes.

    This episode offers practical tools for anyone—single or partnered—to build more successful and stable relationships through deeply honest dialogue and contracts that reflect genuine values around love and money.

    Read the episode show notes at hubermanlab.com.

    Thank you to our sponsors

    AG1: https://drinkag1.com/huberman
    Wealthfront**: https://wealthfront.com/huberman
    BetterHelp: https://betterhelp.com/huberman
    Our Place: https://fromourplace.com/huberman
    Function: https://functionhealth.com/huberman

    **This experience may not be representative of the experience of other clients of Wealthfront, and there is no guarantee that all clients will have similar experiences. Cash Account is offered by Wealthfront Brokerage LLC, Member FINRA/SIPC. The Annual Percentage Yield (“APY”) on cash deposits as of December 27,‬ 2024, is representative, subject to change, and requires no minimum. Funds in the Cash Account are swept to partner banks where they earn the variable‭ APY. Promo terms and FDIC coverage conditions apply. Same-day withdrawal or instant payment transfers may be limited by destination institutions, daily transaction caps, and by participating entities such as Wells Fargo, the RTP® Network, and FedNow® Service. New Cash Account deposits are subject to a 2-4 day holding period before becoming available for transfer.

    Timestamps

    00:00:00 James Sexton

    00:02:19 Divorce & Breakups, Men vs Women, Perception; Infidelity

    00:12:04 Sponsors: Wealthfront & BetterHelp

    00:14:41 Contracts, Business, Marriage Celebration, Prenups

    00:26:24 Nesting; Prenups, Creating Rulesets

    00:33:56 Prenups & Strengthening Marriage

    00:38:19 Marriage Traditions; Divorce Rates, Religion

    00:44:44 First vs Second Marriages, Love & Impermanence

    00:50:09 Sponsors: AG1 & Our Place

    00:53:53 Contracts, Relationships & Hard Conversations

    01:02:37 Marriage & Underlying Problems, Love, Successful Marriages

    01:16:27 Ideals, Social Media & Advertising, Simplicity, Dogs

    01:27:33 Sponsor: Function

    01:29:26 Intimacy, Tool: Early Framework for Hard Discussions

    01:37:06 Prenup Consultation, Legal Defaults, Reasons for Marriage

    01:47:37 Alimony, Prenups & Creating Rulesets, Yours, Mine & Ours, Adultery, Pets

    02:02:30 Fond Memories & Ending Relationship, Pain, Divorce

    02:12:49 Social Media, Movies & Ideals, Pornography vs Real Sexual Relationships

    02:22:43 Revealing Flaws, Bravery, Prenups & Expectations, Money

    02:37:49 Bravery, Vulnerability, Relationship Changes, Men vs Women, Marriage

    02:47:11 Relationship Sacrifices, Men & Women; Prenups, Government

    02:54:45 Life Milestones, Early vs Late Marriage, Navigating Challenges

    03:01:38 Courtship Period & Marital Outcomes

    03:10:12 Knowing Self & Partner, Vulnerability

    03:16:58 “Postnup”, Rekindling or Ending Relationships, Tool: Leave a Note

    03:26:41 Heartbreak & Love, Divorce; Acknowledgements

    03:34:45 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, Sponsors, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter

    Disclaimer & Disclosures